#the whole day i'm running on caffeine and insanity

[antikristvs]

Tuesday mood 🤪 (five lectures, first one starts at 9:00, last one ends at 20:30)

[iturmom]

i've had a rough day. i made a new kitty friend just a few days ago. he's so sweet and friendly. he's talkative. but this morning he was being playful and he bit me a little too hard. he did break skin but it's the tiniest little nibble, only even one of his fangs broke skin and it was barely to the point that i wasn't even sure he did. but he's a stray, i'm sure of it bc his ear fungus and the sores on his body.

so i spent the whole day making phone calls trying to figure out what to do so i finally got through to the rabies nurse at the city health department and he told me of course to either get a rabies vaccine or call animal control so they could monitor him for 10 days. i can't afford to go to the er when i'm pretty sure he doesn't have rabies cause he doesn't seem at all rabid and i don't know if i can monitor him myself for 10 days bc i don't know when i'm moving but it seems like less than 10 days and he's a stray how would i know if he just didn't show up one day? i'm moving soon so i can't spend all day outside looking for him i'll need to pack and clean. and i've got other stuff going on too. i wanted to spend today preparing for halloween and cleaning and cooking food so that i didn't eat too much of the food for tomorrow and i wanted to make more food for tomorrow. and i wanted to hang out and watch spoooy stuff. but i couldn't think about anything else until i found a solution, so spent all day googling and making calls.

so i ended up calling animal control and that was a mess. the guy had me try to put the cat in a cage instead of trapping him with bait. he scratched me up good and i was so scared that he wouldn't trust me anymore but he came right back to me and he was all over me and it killed me when he nibbled me not once but twice bc he was so gentle when he nibbled so so gentle feather light nibbles barely there. and i was sobbing bc if he had just bit me that gently in the first place then today would have gone so much better for both of us! so then the guy finally brought out the live trap and the wet food. the poor kitty freaked out in the trap poor thing poor little guy.

the whole ordeal took an hour and a half of agony. i sobbed on the phone to my partner scared they might put him down and just about the trauma it caused him and how if he had just been so gentle the first time! i probably drove him crazy saying that over and over. but the animal control guy told me they won't put him down, and he even said he would request that they trap and release him without me even asking! so hopefully he'll just bounce back from the trauma. my partner made me get off the phone cause we have a big day tomorrow of going to the clinic (i can still go to the one at the homeless shelter for free for another year) since the rabies nurse at the health department said i should get antibiotics they can do that much at the clinic and maybe they might even have some resources for a rabies vaccine surely not at the clinic but maybe they can help me somehow wishful thinking. and then after the clinic we're going to celebrate halloween at my place so big day he forced me off the phone cause i was still hysterical. but he actually texted me back for a while which he never does when we get off the phone for the night. but i was still texting after he finished responding and i finally gave him the good news which i'm not sure that he was totally aware of cause he only heard my side of the conversation when i was on the phone with him while talking to the animal control guy, so i put into plain words how he said he'd request tnr and the hopeful declaration that maybe he'll just bounce back from the trauma before too long. and then i realized. i told my partner i was going to take him to meet the kitty tomorrow morning when he came over for halloween. but now he won't get to meet the kitty bc i'll certainly be moved before the kitty gets released.

and then i smoked a cigarette that i found on the ground recently. i haven't smoked a cigarette in over a year and at that point it was already rare that i smoked. that realization really made an already brutal day even worse. it like punched me in the face.

[strongheartneteyam]

I wet you like water but she stained you like blood.

Chapter 4

Pairing: widowed!dilf!Jake Sully x younger!female!human reader

CW: jealous-in-an-unhealthy-way-Jake, Jake and y/n verbally fight because of complicated feelings, angst!!, heated make out session, possessive Jake, TRIGGER WARNING for Jake being toxic and unreasonable, Jake apologizes afterwards bc he's good after all, Daddy kink (nothing explicit but still the kink is there)

So… after this fic being on an incredibly long hiatus, I'm back with another chapter. I had this in my Google Docs for way too long but I was not sure if I wanted the story to go this way but I guess I do. I'm extremely insecure about this chapter, so, please, leave me your opinion about it. Love you guys <3

Not proofread. I'm sick n sleepy. Sorry :(

Chapter 3 𓆩♡𓆪

You know I'm good at keeping secrets, you know that you're my weakness and I'll always repeat it

If I could hold onto the feeling back before your words lost their meaning

There's no need for apologies 'cause, honestly, fuck your honesty, I'm done

Think you like the insanity

I'm the casualty of your dreams 'cause I'm not the one

casualty of your dreams (Maggie Lindemann)

𓆩♡𓆪

Rumor had it there was a human girl that worked in the lab being all lovey-dovey with an Omatikaya young guy. They had gotten it from the fact that you were just talking to and smiling at an Omatikaya male you had met in one of your walks in the woods to collect samples. You had just found out the na'vi could be as fond of gossiping as humans… Great. As the word runs fast as the wind on the Pandora planet, three days after you finally see Jake again. He had been gone for 3 whole days, not even paying a quick visit to the lab to see you for some minutes, really early in the morning, - like he always used to do - when he was already awake to do some Olo'eyktan tasks and you were up with your face buried in science books about extraterrestrial flowers and herbs, a cup of hot black coffee on the table, right next to your hand for easy access, as you survived only because of the caffeine, having to wake up so early almost every day. Sometimes being a xenobotanist truly sucked... 

"Who's that Omatikaya boy you were seen with? People are saying you were all over each other." Jake spit, rage and jealousy burning his insides, bursting like a bomb inside of the cold, filled with cold air coming from the air conditioner room you were in, sitting down, taking notes with an electronic pen in your tablet about the herb samples you were conducting a research about.

There were microscopes, high tech computers, Pandoran plants samples and xenobiology books all around. 

"What?!" You said, startled by his sudden, noisy appearance.

"Don't pretend you have no clue! You were there, y/n." Jake says, a cold smirk filled with anger adorning his face, the feeling of his heart being crashed and bruised even stronger than when he first heard the news harassing him

"What the hell, Jake?!" You say loudly, mad at him "why are you being so rude to me?!" Your heart was beating fast inside your chest cavity. You couldn't believe Jake was treating you that way. "Why did you burst into the room like that, without even knocking on the door, like you usually do?! You scared the shit out of me!"

"Won't you just answer my question already?!" Jake said, in a cutting tone

That was the last straw. You had enough.

You swiftly stood up from the high chair you were sitting on and came closer to Jake, looking up at his usually yellow bright eyes that were now tainted with a dark atmosphere, like a rainy grey cloud was around him, his 9 feet something frame towering over you, but you were so damn angry that you didn't feel a single bit of fear, even knowing he was incredibly mad and seemed out his damn mind and you knew that he could even kill you so goddamn easily if he wanted to. Not that you thought he did. You could never see Jake doing something so horrible, especially to you. It was just a fact: he was ridiculously stronger than you. His height and his muscles, plus the fact he had military training and so much experience at war, making him a dangerous adversary right now. You thanked any Higher Force that existed in the Universe that you were sure and confident Jake would never hurt you physically.

But he was hurting you in another way, a very detrimental one: he was hurting your feelings. Hurting your feelings good.

"No, Jake Sully. I won't answer you until you stop being such a goddamn jerk." You said, a serious, stern expression in your heated with anger face as you stared at his eyes

He looked you dead in the eyes and breathed heavy though his nose, supporting his back against the wall, his body inclined back, his huge toned but a little fleshy arms crossed in front of his chest. He calmed down a little and was waiting for you to talk.

"Thank you!" You spit, rolling your eyes at him "I was, yes, talking to an Omatikaya boy. But that was all. He was really nice and we were just having a good time. Nothing happened. I even told him that I had someone. Didn't say who it was, though. I don't know if he was interested in me. I'm not that good at noticing these things."

"Hah, so he was flirting with you! I knew it!!" Jake was lost in his jealousy. You didn't recognize the man in front of you

"Jake!! Are we gonna do this all over again?!" You were getting way too mad at his attitude 

Jake tilted his head to the side, furrowed his lips, eyes on yours, scorching your very soul.

"Why can't I be mad? He was messing with what's mine." He stated, fierce.

"Ahaha" You laughed sarcastically

"Unbelievable…" You thought

"So, you don't make our relationship official, you don't let your family or anyone in Pandora know, everybody thinks you just like to talk to me about sciencey stuff, Norm might be the only one that suspects of something, in my opinion , but he minds his own business and respects our friendship - with me and with you - way too much to go around gossiping to people about the fact you always come way too often to the lab and spends a lot of time alone in rooms with me, and you have the audacity of acting like a mad man when an Omatikaya guy, who has no damn clue you're dating me, seems interested in me?! Is that the way you're gonna act, Sully?! Really?!"

Jake still stared at you, angered.

"Yes." He said, in a low, calm tone. But you could feel his cold demeanor coming towards you. He was still angry and still though he was right.

You chuckled faintly, your face tainted with disbelief "Manchild." You said, looking into his eyes.

Jake sighed heavily, spent some seconds with his head down, seeming to be thinking about something and then, he came closer to you, his eyes softer this time, that anger flying away slowly.  

"I'm sorry. You're right. I'm being childish. I'm way older than you are. I should be the mature one here."

You looked at him, eyes still distrustful, but you gave in and calmed your nerves down too.

Jake looked at you with puppy adorable eyes, the way he used to look at Neytiri when they were young. Even after so many years, he still had that cute look in his eyes when he was sorry, or pleading for something or when he just wanted to show his true feelings to someone he had romantic feelings for. He wasn't the romantic type, but he showed his love through actions, through acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and, through looking at the person he loved - in this case, "the person he liked", you thought - that way. His eyes said everything his mouth couldn't say.

"Please, forgive me, baby. I didn't mean to hurt you this much. I was foolish, I was letting my heart guide me. That's not good, sometimes." He sighed, upset with himself "it's just that... you mean so much to me. I don't wanna lose you to someone else. Someone younger, who doesn't have a whole lot of baggage like I do, someone who can make you happier than I can."

You breathed through your nose, your chest felt tight, filled with anxiety and tension

"You will never lose me, Jake. Never. Don't worry about it." You looked at his pleading amber eyes, forgiving him "My heart is yours. You're always there. Everywhere I look, you're there. I listen to love songs from Earth thinking about you. Why are you so insecure?"

"No reason... I just... You're so precious to me. I need you so much. So much."

You gazed into his eyes, started to tip toe, trying to reach his mouth. It was stupid, you knew the height difference wouldn't let that happen, but, you were following your instinct to physically show him how much you loved him. That you were his and never wished to belong to anybody else.

Jake noticed what you wanted to do and took you in his arms, sweeping you off your feet, his arms beneath your thighs and initiated the kiss himself. Jake held onto your thighs tightly and strongly. He kissed you like a starving man finally getting some food. His tongue wildly touching yours, licking it, sucking on it. His lips bruising yours, leaving your mouth reddened afterwards.

His big blue hands moved from your thighs to hold onto your butt, carefully to not let you fall from his arms, as you were up in the air and could get hurt if you fell.

"Nobody can touch you. Or kiss you. Or fuck you. Only I can. Do you understand, sweetheart?" Jake spoke, almost whispering, out of breath because of the heated kiss

"Yes, Daddy." 

"Good girl. My good girl. Only mine." Jake praised you

𓆩♡𓆪

Taglist:

@lik0

@live-laugh-neteyam

@sweetllamaparadise

@a-blog-name-2003

@cautionworks

@behindthearcane

@yeosxxx

@anxietydrogz

@destinylburns

@thelxnelyworld

@ducks118

@snchezb135

@mashiromochi

@gosusu123

@layla2-49

@luvv4j4ybe11

@bakugouswaif

[her-reawakening]

Hi, bitches.

*Gossip Girl intro voice*

Her Reawakening is inspired by my very own frontal lobe developing. Let's give it up for her! (applause emojis)

I've found myself in a life long rut. For some reason, I'd thought my life would magically take a u-turn and everything would work out in my favor without my having to work for it. I don't know what kind of delulu I was in but to my shock life doesn't work that way, and it's much harder without a plan.

So let me hold myself accountable here. My future self will definitely read this, and then I'll feel embarrassed about not having done a gotdam fuck thing.

It might have to do with the poison of Social Media which I am apparently very susceptible to, but I have this immense pressure and anxiety to be HER. I want to tear my skin off and put a new one on overnight and reawaken as Her, She. It's so frustrating not being able to do that. You know? Hehe...

I know I can become that version. And you can thinkpiece as much as you want on the dangers of women's toxic and impossible beauty standards on social media but I don't care. *laughs evilly* This is the world we live in and I'd rather enjoy the benefits of being an Angel on Earth. I've only just accepted that I'm starting at a certain point to reach my ideal version, so we're off to a good start. Hopefully whoever reads this will be able to learn from my experiences.

And this is not just the embodiment of beauty, but physical excellence, mental wellbeing, mindfulness, spirituality, social experiences, academic achievement, financial stability etc etc. <3

I want to sleep like a baby knowing I am doing my best to create the life I ENJOY living. I want to be the cuntiest, most solid version of myself. Every breath I take will be proud of me just because I am so excellent.

I have a few goals in mind at the moment.

Eat whole foods 95% of the time.

I am a particularly sensitive person, inside and out. My organs won't accept heavily processed food without making me feel sick, especially with gluten and dairy included. In my experience I have to eat as close to Whole as I can so I will actually feel like a real and functional person. To put this in perspective, eating this way for me is like putting the most expensive oil made for your car and also deep cleaning and detailing inside and out and getting brand new tires and a new paint job. It is a truly incredible feeling and I highly recommend anyone tries it out.

Also, cut out caffeine. I don't want to shock my poor body by going cold turkey so I'm going to slowly cut down my dosages everyday, take it early in the morning (but after two hours of being awake) and drink a lot water with it as well.

Green juices are amazing and my go to for breakfast. They help me feel so revitalized and give me a serious buzz.

I will grocery shop on Wednesday and Prep on Thursdays to avoid feeling overwhelmed of doing it all in one day.

2. Exercise regularly

Workout out 4/wk and Yoga 3/wk

I'm starting out with running since I'm not familiar with the proper forms you need for weight training. I add progression to my workouts of course, one minute longer, .5 miles longer, etc. I also do stair masters, and some leg machines that don't scare me. The glow I get from combining exercise and eating well is insane. It does take a week of 100% commitment for me to get to this 'candlelit within look' but I've done it before so I know I can do it again! I'm going to work out Mon/Tue and Fri/Sat and do an hour of yoga Wed/Thur/Sun! :)

3. Gua Sha/Face massage

I hold all of my tension in my face and traps, so I plan on getting masseter botox for a softer face and TMJ, which is a huge pain for my jaw! In the meantime I will face massage deeply every other day, at 8PM. I eventually want forehead botox as well to help with my frown lines. As an alternative I stick with forehead stickies and it makes a difference.

This is all I want to incorporate right now. They are my most bother some insecurities so I'll do myself the favor and create habits that support them :) I don't want to overwhelm myself and give up completely by too many goals.

Cheers to an update by next Monday!

Xoxo

[sheena-is-a-punk-rocker]

A gal needs a little spice every now and then (and sometimes it needs to be facilitated by punching a jackass in the schnoz)

hjghjsgf\shgfk\sdhgfkhdgfk\sdhgfhkdgfkhsdgfksdhgdhgfkhg

Kinky quinnflag smut ficlet is here!! I got the prompt over on AO3 and thought this one was gonna give me so much trouble but then I came up with the whole thing in my head and then wrote the whole thing out in a caffeine induced manic fever dream so anyway! Here it is!!! I’m honestly so proud of this.

Harley finds the leather cuffs and silk blindfold while window shopping with Ivy and Selina and buys them on impulse—heart racing at the idea of Rick using them on her. She's no stranger to kinky sex, by any means, but she's pretty sure she'd actually enjoy it a whole lot more if Rick was involved instead of, well, instead of him.

She's nervous, when she shows her purchases to Rick later that day, asking him if maybe he would be okay using them on her. If that would even be something he'd be into to begin with. All he does is smirk—that smirk—and say, “Oh I'm sure we can find something fun to do with these.”

She doesn't expect that day to come quite so quickly. It starts the next day when some jackass catcalls her while they're out walking to the store. Rick makes a move to intervene but before he can she's punching the guy right in the face—most likely breaking his nose, if the sickening crack she hears is any indication.

“Fucking bitch!” he screams, as Harley grabs Rick's hand so they can keep walking.

Once they're a safe distance away, Rick leans down to whisper in her ear, “Good girl.”

It sends a delightful shiver down her spine.

She turns around suddenly and grabs him by the shirt collar. “Take me home, right the fuck now, Colonel,” she demands.

He chuckles and gives her that smirk again. “Oh but we still need groceries, darlin'.”

She huffs in annoyance. Oh, so that's how this is gonna go.

The grocery store is absolute agony. She's losing her mind at the thought of what he has planned for her and he's busy taking his sweet ass time reading the labels on every god damn item he picks up. Every once in a while he runs a hand up her back under her shirt and leans down to whisper, “Patience, sweetheart,” in her ear.

She has to hold back a moan every time he does it. He's really leaning into that southern accent of his and it's slowly making her feral.

Once they reach the checkout (because of course he chooses today of all days to be a goody two shoes and actually pay) he snakes his arms around her from behind and pulls her close so she can feel how hard he is against her back. She tries to grind against him as subtly as possible but his arms hold her in place. “Almost done, darlin',” he murmurs in her ear. “Oh the things I'm gonna do to you when we get home.”

She's so horny she wants to cry.

-----------------------------------

She attempts to pounce on him as soon as they get home but he catches her wrists easily—pinning them behind her back and marching her backwards until her back hits the wall. She gasps as he starts placing heated kisses up her neck until he gets to her ear. “So here's what's gonna happen,” he drawls. “You're gonna go to our room and strip and then wait on the bed like a good girl while I put the food away.”

He lets her go with a slap to her ass and she stumbles to the bedroom on shaky legs. 

She's already going insane from all the teasing he's done to her so far and he's taking his sweet ass time with the groceries. So as she strips off her clothes, she seriously contemplates just taking care of herself while she waits for him. But before she can do anything, she hears his footsteps coming towards her and scrambles onto the bed obediently.

He's shirtless when he appears in front of her and she bites her lip to stifle a moan and rubs her thighs together at the sight of his bare chest and those tattoos she's obsessed with.

He grabs her legs and pulls them apart. “None of that, sweetness. Did you touch yourself while you were waiting for me?”

“N-no,” she gasps. Oh his hand is so close to where she needs it.

“Good girl. Now lay back for me, hands above your head.”

She does as she's instructed and waits impatiently for him to continue. He digs around in the bedside drawer and pulls out the cuffs and blindfold. As he's snapping the cuffs over her wrists to bind her to the headboard he tells her the rules. He's gonna ask her what her color is and her options are either green for keep going, yellow for slow down, or red for full stop, no questions asked.

“Color?” he asks, before placing the blindfold over her eyes.

“Green,” she says immediately, needing him to just hurry the fuck up and touch her already.

He ties the blindfold tight enough that it won't slip off but not so tight that it feels suffocating. Everything feels so much more intense without her vision or ability to touch him.

He starts trailing his lips down her body, and between kisses he tells her, “So here's what's gonna happen, darlin'. I'm gonna make you come over and over and over again until you're begging me to stop.”

She moans loudly at his words and is so wound up that she falls over the edge embarrassingly quickly—he barely has to touch her.

He chuckles at her eagerness and gets to work making her fall apart on his tongue. She's on the precipice of orgasm number two when she hears it. That laugh.

“Fuck off,” she mutters to the voice, too busy focusing on the feelings Rick's eliciting to worry too much about Joker trying to cockblock her.

“What was that, Harls?” Rick asks, breaking character briefly.

“Nothin'! Keep goin',” she begs.

It quickly becomes apparent that Joker isn't going anywhere and Harley wants to scream (and not in a fun way). She's trying so hard to focus on what Rick's doing to her but she can't get out of her own head.

Rick can obviously sense something is going on because his touch suddenly disappears and she whines at the loss of contact. “Color, Harls?”

“Oh look at that, Harley. You ruined everything, tsk tsk tsk,” Joker taunts.

“Um...” she tries to focus. What is she supposed to say again?

She feels Rick's calloused hand on her thigh as he rubs soothing circles with his thumb. “Where'd you go, Harls? Talk to me.”

Oh god, she wants him to keep going so badly but Joker won't fucking shut up and it's too much and she can feel tears welling up behind her eyelids. “Red,” she mumbles. And then louder, “Red. Red!”

The blindfold comes off immediately and the cuffs follow soon after. Harley clings to Rick tightly and cries on his shoulder as he quickly rearranges them so he's sitting against the headboard and she's cradled in his lap. “Shhh, you're okay, Harls. I got you.”

He rubs her back soothingly as she cries and once she's down to the occasional sniffle he says, “Talk to me, Harls. What happened?”

“Blindfold,” she whispers. “Too much. I couldn't see ya and he just, he wouldn't shut up!”

She doesn't need to clarify who he is. Rick kisses her temple and says, “No more blindfold, got it.”

“Fuck, I ruined everything!”

“You didn't ruin jack shit, Harls. You're allowed to use the safeword if you're uncomfortable. That's why it's there in the first place.”

She doesn't say anything in response so he continues. “I'm glad you did. I don't ever wanna make you uncomfortable or feel like you can't trust me to listen to you.”

The tears spill over without her permission. What did she do to deserve him?

“It felt really good,” she admits. And truthfully, she's still horny as fuck now that she can focus again and she's surrounded by him—his scent, his touch, his voice. “Can... can we keep goin'?”

His hand on her back pauses. “You sure about that, Harls?”

She nods. “I just need to not think anymore. I need ya to be in control.”

He doesn't say anything for a while as he thinks and she starts to panic—maybe that was the wrong thing to say. But then he kisses her softly and coaxes her to lay back on the bed. He settles on top of her between her thighs and grabs her hands gently—pinning them above her head and pressing her into the mattress with his full weight.

“This okay?” he asks, as he kisses her neck softly—sinking his teeth in when she nods frantically.

He slips inside her slowly and once he's fully seated she wraps her legs around his hips. “Fuck me,” she gasps. “Please!”

He pins her hands down with one of his own and uses his free hand to circle her clit just the way she likes it. “C'mon, let go for me, sweetheart.”

The pet name along with the feelings he's eliciting with his touch are enough to push her over the edge and he follows soon afterwards, before rolling to the side and pulling her against him tightly.

Her mind is blissfully blank, all traces of the Joker replaced by static in her brain. “Better?” Rick asks.

She snuggles as close to him as possible. “Mmm, much better.”

She can feel her eyes drifting shut and tries to fight it but Rick tells her, “Get some sleep, Harls. I'm right here.”

The next time they use the leather cuffs it goes much much better.

[alivealonealoud]

I want to kill myself. I'm 6 days sober and I can't take it. I don't even want to drink, I hate alcohol, but I can't stand what is happening inside my brain. I'm tired of being late to everything and being dirty all of the time. It's so overwhelming and the only way I know how to calm down is to just drink or do drugs or binge and purge. I'm sick of being awake, I'm sick of being conscious, I'm sick of having awareness, I want everything to shut the fuck up and be quiet. I don't want to have thoughts or emotions. I don't want to be able to feel my body. It doesn't belong to me and I hate it. I hate what it does

I feel like I can't handle my sober brain. It's too much. I'm sick of being angry and confused or helpless. I'm sick of not knowing how to get some control or at least understanding what has been happening to me over the years. I'm so tired of feeling confused and out of control all of the time. I just want to feel normal for 5 minutes, or at least be able to pretend to be normal like everyone else does.

I hate being alive. I hate knowing what's happening. I want to be sinking in the void. I can't cope with knowing what's happening

It took me 40 minutes to get dressed this morning and I don't even know why. I wasn't on my phone or pc. I was just confused and trying to figure out what to wear. Everything was dirty. I don't want to go outside being disgusting and smelly. I hate myself so much. I want to die. It would be fitting to die with helium asphyxia because it's huffing.

I feel like I'm in sensory crisis all the time. I don't know how to cope with it. The weighted blanket my mum got me helps but I can't lie in bed all day forever, it defeats the point of being sober. I might as well just drink and go through the motions of moving around outdoors doing things pretending to know what's going on if the alternative is lying in bed.

I feel like the only way to stim I know is tying bands around my wrist and hand but it's not enough. The only other way I can think of is finding a shag and having a few rounds of it but I can't do that without having a drink first. I think I should probably abstain from sex for a while to get a grip on sobriety but I don't know how to calm down or make my body make sense without drinking one way or another. I can't handle being alive. I hate being dirty. I can't stand the state of my and my grandpa's hygiene. It's absolutely revolting. No wonder neither of us have any friends, we both reek all the time. We are filthy. He doesn't care. Now that I'm sober I can see it and its driving me insane. He's always been a dirty and very smelly person but I have become one too by being an alcoholic and living with him.

I don't want to live anymore. I can't live like this anymore. I don't know to live differently. I can't take it. If I take a quetiapine it will make me fat and suicidal. If I have caffeine it will make me angry and suicidal. If I lie here and sleep I will be doing nothing and still be suicidal. If I go outdoors I will stinky and suicidal. No one can help me. This is my reality. There is no running from this pain. I don't know how long I can bear it. It has been my entire life, and it will be forever. There's just no point. My brain doesn't work. If you don't belong, don't be long. I think Sarah was right about me having depression and ADHD . That would explain why a whole day can be taken up by like. Brushing my teeth, doing laundry, and cooking dinner. And getting dressed. When sober.

If I'm depressed, why do antidepressants make me I'll tho. They just make me want to do loads of drugs and drink and get fucked up and have marathon sex with strangers. I'm so sick of feeling this way being helpless I can't take it anymore I just want to be normal

[nathank77]

8/5/24

9:34 a.m Added to/Edited 9:52 a.m

The only thing I can think of are the commonalities with the two nights that I had to double up to sleep:

1) I had 2 Red Bulls.

2) Both days were a game day where I did nothing but game. I gamed for like 8-10 hours yesterday. The day before my dad's house I gamed for like 8 hours at least.

3) Having a little caffeine after 5 p.m

Other than that there aren't other commonalities. I didnt even shower both of those days cause I showered the day before my dad's and the night I came home from dad's.

I didn't even make a phone call or run an errand or anything. I relaxed. I relaxed and played Minecraft both days and played my heart out. I mean that's all I can say.

I slept fine the night I came home from my fathers on the standard dose but I was outside. I was social. I showered. I exposed myself to sunlight. Although the half was so thick it must have been a .7 or a .8....

Last night it was probably a .6 or .7. The night before my dad's I mean it was 1.5 by the time I fell asleep.

Was it bc I didn't do anything but game and I drank two Red Bulls? I mean I've had many red Bull days Aka 24 ounces of red Bulls.. and fell sleep on the standard dose.

I had anxiety last night cause I could only take 1, 50 mg of CBD cause I only had one more gummie left. Im getting them today.

Today I'm feeling really depressed, I don't have many things on my list of things to do. Shave my face/Head idk If I'm going to do it. I'll likely shower.

Part of me wants to bring the clear bin by my game stack up to the attic despite it being empty mostly. It only has my uhart target bag in it and 2 shirts I don't like much. I wanted to fill it but I'm sick of it taking up space in my room. I can always bring stuff upstairs and fill it.

I was also planning to "set up" both Macbooks. One is purely professional and is set up. The other I want to hook my fb to and Instagram bc it's my "gaming/fun" macbook.

I'm meeting with Erin today. I'd do laundry but I'm going to wait until later this week.

This whole week I barely have anything to do but therapy Tuesday and thursday. I have nothing to be anxious about. I know I was anxious about my cbd.

I am anxious about my uti... but I'm coping. I honestly just want to watch TV. I used to have TV days but now that my gamers burn out has been cured every day I can relax I just game.

Idk ill eventually get out of the rut and at least shower.

I still got to figure out what to do with the mouse deodorant and stuff...

I also got to finish putting my shreddables in bins but I'm absolutely not doing that today.

I got to try to be active. I just feel depressed cause I had my eyes closed for a long time and couldn't sleep... and then I don't want to buy cbd but it def helped with my panic attacks...

I def had some microsleep flashbacks last night and the night before my dad's. Rapid eye movement nervousness about it being fucked up and not working right/not being in alignment.

I mean I bought 100mg a day of CBD again.... I want to go down to 50 but my brain is like take 100mg fuck the money... and I used to not even be able to think about the word panic without having heart palpitations.... so it's hard to decide not to buy it.

I also notice white on my inner cheeks could be From SLS and my cheek healing now that I removed it... or could be a yeast infection, when I have my psychical I'm going to ask to get tested for yeast again as my tongue is still black hairy tongue that is insanely clean bc I scrap it twice a day... but with the white on inner cheeks if it doesn't clear up, it could be yeast or a sign of cancer...

I'm just wondering why I'm trying so hard. Part of me is like go to prime house despite knowing I won't meet anyone there anyways.

Another thing that is getting to me is my ac is slowly shitting the bed and I can afford to put it on the new credit line... I mean not if I want to get a bed... but I feel I may have to spring the cash from the new credit line cause it really is shitting the bed.

Also my cigarettes are due soon. I got one more carton and I don't want to go to new Hampshire but I'm thinking like somewhere around the 15th or so... that'll be another bill... I wanted to get my southern degree replaced with my name... but I can't afford the fee cause I had to pay for my car taxes. Also l salvariuos. And cbd...

Maybe next month. Also I have to eventually bring in my "gaming" Macbook to apple but can't this month too broke.

I def have money anxiety. And I was thinking about going to prime house today bc maybe it is just 2 red bulls and gaming all day effecting my ability to sleep and caffeine after 5 p.m... cause that is also a commonality between the night before dad's and last night.

So yea I'm a ball of anxiety and I'm sick of being alone and i wish I could find a gf.

Beyond that my car ac is terrible.. I'm sick of how hot it is. It makes me want to stay in the house all day everyday. I can't wait for the weather to be less fucking disgusting.

Being in my car makes me nasous it's so fucking hot and I can't even crack a windows both motors on the driver side and passenger side are blown.

[wickedbarnes]

𝕬𝖓𝖌𝖊𝖑 𝖎𝖓 𝕯𝖎𝖘𝖌𝖚𝖎𝖘𝖊 (Pt. 3) | John Wick x Reader

Part 2

WARNING: Abduction. Angst. Violence.

--

It had been about two days since you last seen Iosef and as much as you'd love to know how he's doing, you just couldn't bring yourself to do so just yet. Viggo had been doing business and his presence is much needed if he wants to keep all the fortune he has right now. So he has no choice but to leave you alone at the mansion.

You weren't entirely defenseless since you refused to be. The moment you knew the dangers of bearing the Tarasov name was the moment you had secretly took up Jui-Jitsu class and Krav Maga. You knew that if you told either Iosef or your father about this they'd immediately make you stop. Especially when you had recently took up shooting classes. You found out you had quite the skill in holding guns and shooting them.

But that secret was just that. A secret.

Despite all those, you had no choice but to have guards watching over you. And somehow, the situation almost made you laugh even though you were scared deep down inside. You already knew what was to come.

You had tried to mentally prepare yourself for it. John Wick is a man of focus and sheer will. You knew that he would get and finish what he started under any circumstance. So him going after you wouldn't be such a stretch since that's how it works in the underworld.

As long as you're a relative of a certain target, you'd also be a prey.

The thought of being a possible target caused your hairs to stand up in your body that you just had to go out of your room and make your way down the kitchen. You didn't even feel safe in your room anymore. The guards that had greeted you didn't assure your thoughts of being away from the Baba Yaga. You knew that he could take all of them in a short period of time.

Meanwhile, John had successfully snuck in the back entrance of the mansion. According to Marcus, Viggo had left about twenty of his men roaming around with a duty to protect you. While he left about ten to Iosef at the Red Circle. Once he gets you to the Continental, he'll be on his way to find your brother and put a bullet in his head.

Shaking his head, John had proceeded to make his way further inside where he began to fight a swarm of men that charged at him. All of which were very easy to kill. His gun was a dead give away of his presence inside the Tarasov residence. Maybe he should've carried a silencer instead.

Once he made his way through the huge living room, John tucked his gun in his pants and proceeded to grab his knife where he quietly stabbed the remaining guards that roamed around until he had finally reached the kitchen where you had your back towards him as you quietly made a cup of coffee.

Your hunch was right when you said he'd come for you. The sound of guns going off and the guards running around in panic were an obvious sign that the Boogeyman is in the same vicinity as you. But surprisingly, you didn't feel the need to hide. Nor run away despite the fact one of the guards had reassured you that you'll be escaping the mansion once they take care of the situation.

But the silence that lingered inside the whole house was enough to tell you that John had killed them all.

You stirred the coffee in your favorite mug after you had put the creamer in. Raising the cup to your lips, you blew on the drink softly before carefully taking a sip just as you felt the cold metallic feel of a gun against the back of your head.

"Good evening, Mr. John." You greeted and almost smiled at the name you had once called him before, your voice void of any fear or panic but you made sure you had repressed that deep down. You had refused to let John know that you're scared.

"Fancy having coffee with me?" You asked, taking another careful sip of your drink.

John was somehow taken aback by your reaction. He expected you to hide or beg him not to hurt you but he was surprised to see how calm you were and even go as far as to drink coffee while he was holding you at gun point.

"I would but I don't have much time." He replied, his voice deeper and huskier last time you remembered.

"Shame. My father always told me I make the best coffee. Would've loved to get your opinion on that. You love coffee, don't you?" You asked, taking a bigger sip of your caffeine drink since it began to get colder.

"I do." John replied and let out a deep sigh, "Y/N, I really don't want to do this to you but I-"

"We should go before Papa calls on more backups." You said, completely cutting him off as you placed your mug on the sink and moved away from the counter before making your way out of the kitchen, leaving John standing there a bit dumbfounded.

"I'm sorry?" He asked, turning to look at you confusingly. You took a deep breath before you had finally turned to face him, ignoring the fact that he looks much better than he did all those years ago. You have seen just how older he got but he was handsome nonetheless. Raven hair gelled to perfection while he sported his usual three piece suit. But now wasn't the time to admire him.

"I said we should go before Papa calls on more backups. He's probably contacting the head of security but I assume he's somewhere in the house laying in his own blood." You stated nonchalantly before nodding your head outside the kitchen, "Let's go."

You were insane. You just had to be. In all his years of being in the game, John has never seen someone so calm about being abducted or possibly killed. But somehow, he found himself walking behind you, completely ignoring the dead bodies that loitered around the hallway as you lead him back to the back exit where you saw a car waiting outside.

"New car?" You asked as you both walked to the sleek looking car.

"Just borrowed it." He answered, making his way over to open the door for you.

You raised your brows at him but didn't question him any further as you hopped inside the car before he closed the door.

It amused you how he didn't forget the act of chivalry even when he was potentially abducting you. It didn't take long before he hopped inside and drove away from your home to God knows where. You nervously fiddled with your fingers but made sure to do it discreetly.

Despite the cool facade you had put on, the fear in your body never left. You were surprised you still managed to put up the act that you were unbothered by all this. But somehow, your mind and body told you that John didn't seem like a man that would kill you just because you were Viggo's daughter and Iosef's sister.

John was an assassin but he wasn't a monster. That's what you knew and kind of held on to.

"You're an odd one." John would say after some time as he kept his eyes on the road.

"I know." You replied, your gaze never leaving the window as you passed by the busy city of New York.

"You do realize what's currently happening, right?" You felt John stealing a glance at you and you couldn't help but smile slightly as you nodded your head.

"Indeed I do, Mr. John. I wasn't born yesterday. I know what my brother did." You sighed and shifted in your seat, "I'm sorry about your wife. I tried to convince Iosef not to do what he did but he's very hard-headed."

"What do you mean?"

"The night he broke into your home, stole your car and... killed your dog, I warned and tried to persuade him not to do so. But I didn't know it was you who he was going to be messing with. I just told him not to go through with his plan since for me, it was stupid. And that one day, his ego and pride would end up with him having a bullet in his head. It seems that the prophecy I foretold is coming true."

John tightened his grip on the steering wheel and gave a solemn nod to your explanation as he focused on driving safely to the Continental.

"I'm sorry." He said after some time.

"I am too." You would say, "But apologies don't really work in situations like these."

"How can you be so calm about this? I'm going to kill your brother, Y/N. I'm sorry, but my decision is set on this. And if your father interferes, I might kill him too." His words tugged at your heartstrings and you had tried your best not to cry at that moment.

The feeling of hearing your family's possible demise from the man that's going to kill them hit really different. But you had no choice. You knew this was a dog eat dog world. You either kill or get killed. And you understood that Iosef took something precious from John despite the fact it was only a car and a dog. But somehow, you knew those two things were worth more to him than anything else.

"I know. But I'm not stupid, John. An eye for an eye. I'm calm about this because I already know what's going to happen. Don't get me wrong, I love my father and my brother more than anything in this world. After my mother died, they were all I have. And I'm sure you were like that with the gifts your wife had left for you." You swallowed the lump that was forming in your throat as you noticed John stopping the car in front of the Continental Hotel.

Turning the engine off, John turned to look at you but your gaze was still on the window, silently watching the people walk by.

"And if I was in your place I would be doing what you're doing right now." You said, finally having the courage to look back at him.

"I'm calm not because I want them dead. But because I have no choice. I can only do so much, Mr. John." You forced yourself to smile softly at him as you possibly could but John is not a man that should be fooled.

Because underneath that smile, he saw utter sorrow. Sorrow that he knew all too well. Because there was nothing more painful than losing the people you have left in your life and you couldn't do anything about it.

[asmallbirdinmayy]

I'm not sure why I haven't posted anything here yet since this world craziness started... Normally I would have bombarded it with posts everyday and such.

This social distancing is my life style, so I've been doing pretty okay better than most unfortunatly. Thank you Tumblr, and hours of scrolling for preparing me for this moment in time!

I've been filling my days with video games, reading and trying to force myself out for runs. I've helped my mum clean the house. (She has a bad back and would end up killing myself if I didn't go over every once in a while to help out)

I've also recently shaved my head! Finally, I've wanted to do it for years to see what I'd look like and to get rid of the years of dying it and hairstyle frustrations. I like it, but some days I get self conscious and don't end up going for runs. But maybe I'm just using that as an excuse and I'm just hella laazy!

It's a learning curve for sure, I've been reading a lot of philosophy lately and listening to the philosophize this podcast for the past year now so I've been trying to work on myself, thinking more and trying to meditate and gain self confidence and just be able to help myself help others. If that makes sense? Anyway, cutting off all your hair really helps practice Stoicism. There's no instant regrowth, and my hair takes longer to grow out than normal people.

I do love myself, a hella a lot more than I used to. There's nothing I wouldn't change, and I think that mind set alone has been what gets me out the door more often for runs and wanting to take care of my body and mind!!

I've also been cooking more, to save on money and because I'm not a huge advocate for waste being delivered to my door. I have had breakdowns however, I did it twice, I've ordered breakfast for myself to help me get up earlier and to get better coffee. Because the Maxwell can is not working out for me, and it's so gross, its taking me forever to get through it! I'll still drink it though, because, caffeine! Hello.

Back to cooking more! I've been mostly making mashed potatoes and what nots, but I'll occasionally make a vegan grilled cheese or have vegan hot dogs! I've made some pasta, quinoa and lately before bed I'll get a chia bowl ready to set while I sleep. That's pretty healthy and delicious. I've made terrible pancakes, I accidently got the whole wheat flour rather than the other stuff, soo that wasn't a fun mistake. Alas, no waste, so I have to make it into things!

I also signed up for a sustainable cities online course, lots of reading, but it was on sale. If anything it'll help me plan imaginary cities better in my head and I'll be able to put it on resumes. So level up?

I've re arranged my living room so I can easily switch between laptop and PlayStation without having to get up for any reason! +40 laziness. Aha. Fun.

Cats bombard with with attention and cuddles All. The. Damn. Time. I thought cats were supposed to not care and be independent and stuffs. Not my cats, noo. I wake up pinned, cat by my head, in the curve of my back and on my feet! If I'm laying on my back xews will be on my chest. Like hello! Let me breathe. They follow me to the bathroom, and to the couch! My couch is tiny, and all three of them find a little spot and take up all the space. It's hard to take notes! Anyway. I love them, I love their cuddles I'll never take them for granted and I'll always be like okai in the lap you go! It's nice playing a videogame with your cats stretching their paw onto your paw!. #catmum

Works been telling me the new opening day is July 3rd.. July 3rd two more months of this madness. I'm okay with it though, I'll hopefully finish the online course and get out for more runs! I've signed up the the social distancing run thing, I'm hoping to do a 10k for it!

Our government is all over the place about everything, and its making people crazy! There's lies, uncertainty questions unanswered. There's conspiracies left and right and I don't know which ones to believe. I mean some seem drastic and obviously crazier than others. I'm just not politically educated enough for this. But what if they're true to? I dunno, I've been watching a lot of things and reading stuff of history and stuffs and theirs some people that end up being corrected and proven right when people thought they were insane ? And yea people are just crazy and have their crazy thoughts. I dunno. I just want to have a back seat, and I mean my first and foremost fight is with nature, so my bias towards anything will be on how it affects the future of how we live with nature. If that makes sense? I could go on and on about this part, but this part makes me the most unwary and depressed honestly. I've been crying for days about this and where I stand, I've always been one to stand with the people. But which people? My brain hurts. I'm a sheep guys. I'm a sheep. I'm just a very lost sheeple.

People that I know from South Africa sent me a message saying that they were starving and asked for help, I wasn't sure what to do. I sent them some money, but I don't have much to give. I hope it'll be enough to get them by for a couple of days! I haven't heard from her since? So I don't know?

Anyways.

I haven't heard from my possibly future school yet about the upcoming semester and what to do, am I still able to go? Are they going to be opened by end of August? Will I be allowed to travel to another province? I'll wait till the end of May to send an email and find out! I am not doing that course online, I have a hard enough time motivating myself to do this current baby course. And I really want to do well in this course if I get there! It was a whole thing guys.

Before all this started I had started therapy, volunteering for the theater and taekwando. I'm really sad that i haven't been able to take part in these new hobbies. I had the chance to volunteer for the opening of the wizard of oz production before all the other shows at the theater got cancelled. It was amazing. Maybe I'll be able to do something similar while I'm in Vancouver. I only had one beginning trial class for taekwando, I'm slightly sad because by the time it reopens I'll probably be heading to Vancouver and won't be able to attend.

Cancelling therapy was the hardest, I had just started after years and years of being afraid to go for many reasons. I only got two sessions in before having to stop due to being laid off. But it's okay, because I still have my writing as my therapy. I end up asking the questions to myself while writing. I've read a lot of psychology, well not a lot, but a good amount. But the extra help and guidance was nice. I learned new terminology that applied to myself and my childhood and a couple other things that I'm able to sit back and acknowledge during meditations.

It was like I was finally getting out more, trying to fix myself, trying to go meet new friends and say hello to the world. And then the world was like nah. Back to social distancing! Kay, thaanks.

The last three or so days I've felt a little pull back into myself and I couldn't motivate myself lately. I think a large part of it was due to an argument I had with my mother, and the political drama that's been going on lately.

Wanting to go on runs or outside to enjoy the chilly sunny day has been a struggle, when it hasn't been I'm a while. I was playing ESO with a couple friends when all of a sudden all I wanted to do was just lay on the couch, curl up with my eyes closed and just bleh. I listening to the ESO music for a while and remembered that I haven't wrote anything in a long while on Tumblr or anywhere. So here I am, returning to my old therapy just writing my garbage thoughts to replace them with happier more motivated ones. It's sort of working, we'll see how the day goes.

All in all, I'm okay, my family is okay. And only time will tell what craziness is next for this year!

If anyone read this far down, first of all thank you. You're probably someone that I love! Love you <3 and I hope you're also doing well, and staying safe!!!

[veratiserum]

(slight trigger warning? nothing explicit uh mentions of me being a bit. um. insane? and not very nice to myself) ok so i'm watching this video on why u could potentially be irritated all the time bcs for the past two months or so i've been like "oh it's just rlly, rllyy bad pms" but i just finished my period like a week ago so it makes no sense?? anyways, the guy in this video is like: u consume too much caffeine, ur burnt out, there's too much load on u, ur a perfectionist, u haven't exercised in months, ur bottling up too many negative emotions, u don't sleep enough, ur always staring at a screen and also u r not normal if u constantly feel this shit and i'm just blinking at my screen, called out, embarrassed and also,,, irritated. i mean honestly, i don't rlly know how to sort myself out. bcs of stupid fucking covid all of my exams were squashed in the time frame of october/november to may/june. i've had four sets of exams; think about it. i started prepping in september, finished my exams end october; had to complete my syllabus AND study in november, give mids in december; study, reconcile, try not to off myself; mocks in february/march and finally, my actual fucking high-school exams from the end of april to mid june. like?? when. when do i have time to be like, "hey, i should work out", any free time i have is invested in curling up into a ball in bed and blocking out the world with fucking rex orange county or watching some stupid netflix show to fill the void. i haven't met up with any of my friends in months; i went to dinner with my cousin yesterday and all i could think about is how fucked i am for my exam in 5 days. my parents and teachers and peers have this fucked up little idea of me in their heads where its like, "oh vera? she gets A*s" and i have to remind everyone that, that was me in middle school and i actually got 2 C's in my mocks bcs i'm a fucking donkey. apparently, i'm just not trying hard enough and i have no drive/desire to make something of myself. i wake up between 4-5 am to talk to my girlfriend and sleep by 11pm - 12am bcs sleeping means i have to wake up tmrrw and repeat the whole fucking process because every day is exactly the same and i'm running out of things to feel happy about. hurrah, it might rain; oh wow my desk looks so nice in the sun today; i love eating the same type of pasta for 2 weeks!! like its been over 6 months and i'm fucking sick of my life. i consume caffeine to feel okay ish for 2 hours before i crash bcs i can't stay awake anymore; i get out of bed and i want to get right back in. the other day i slammed my head across my desk bcs i couldn't memorise my flashcards and it felt like something i probably would never have ever done but hey, i couldn't open my mouth for two days without wincing and it hurt like a bitch. so. there. and all i want is for it to be june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. and i can finally. finally. finally what. what will i do when i'm finally free. i'll lie down in the pool and let the underwater charlie brown voices of my parents lull me to sleep because, hey vera, you did a good job. we're fucking proud of you. rest up because you still have college and uni and life. and life. and life. and i might sink a little and let the water fill my nose and my mouth and let it choke me and feel my hair swirl around and wrap itself around my neck and my limbs and feel myself get dragged lower and lower and i'll open my eyes and be trapped in blue, enclosing, suffocating blue forever. right, anywayss, now i'm off to finish a physics practice paper and then stare at myself in the mirror until my eyes stop blurring over. <3

[jade-soulbear]

My Wellbeing 4/4/22

Hello again! We have made it through at least one day with this diary thing. I really enjoyed it yesterday, so I'm gonna try write something today and hope I don't give up any time soon.

Believe it or not, I went to bed a whole 20 minutes earlier than usual last night, so as to be expected, I was even more tired this morning. I was really late this morning that I had to run out the door before I could even brush my teeth or wash my face. This is becoming a reoccurring trend and it's getting on my nerves because my skin gets on my nerves on a good day, I'm gonna brush my teeth and wash my face as soon as I'm finished this entry. I surprisingly made it to school 2 minutes early despite being late earlier, almost fell asleep during during my language class (not sure I want to disclose what country I come from, but it is the language of that country, which no one uses anymore, and I kinda dislike it because what's the point of even learning it if I can't speak it to anyone besides the pretentious assholes who like to talk about how they are more patriotic than everyone else). I sat on the far end of the class from my friend FW (doing the initials to protect identities again), and im sure they didn't mind but I was too tired to talk to anyone, and I expected they were talking to their other friends, I hope they didn't take it personally though.

So the cool thing about today is that I got to miss half my classes because I had a seminar (what a fancy word) on wellbeing. So, just to preface, I'd say I have the best wellbeing out of my friend group, and they would say the same. Most of them are in therapy and I've never had a panic attack or been depressed or anything so I think I'm doing alright. That being said, we had this questionnaire and I know you probably can't rank your wellbeing with a number but I still got a really low number for this kind of thing? Sure I rarely get enough sleep but I'm doing better than the average teenager and just because I don't attend a club of some sort doesn't mean my wellbeing is poor. I find that clubs take up too much of my time but I still use my time wisely to hang out with my friends and stuff. Either way I know I'm reading too far into it lol.

My friend CW was in today and I was talking to him about it and he told me he only got 30 minutes of sleep last night. I know there's that joke of everybody's got that friend who brags about how little sleep they get but this is just insane. He suffers badly from ADHD and he got prescribed sleeping pills but he's still not doing so well. That being said, he's probably the most upbeat guy I know, even though he was very sleep deprived he did his best to act lively and energetic (he left after the third class)

Overall the seminar was alright, nothing great, there was a slide of a PowerPoint about suicide helplines with a quote from "Avatar: The Last Airbender" beside it that I couldn't stop laughing at. The rest of my school day was pretty boring, I got to laze around in politics because I'm ahead in my project, I got loads of homework in religion classes because I was out last Friday because my Mam let me take a "mental health day", basically I didn't have to go to school because my little brother didn't and she felt bad for me and thought it would relieve stress, which I am forever thankful for because waking up really early only to be told I can go back to bed is the best feeling ever. After that I had English, which was okay but kinda slow and I'm going to be getting an essay soon which suckkks, I don't understand why they don't leave me be since we're so close to the holidays.

Oh and I forgot to mention, had lunch between Politics and Religion, OF, MC, and FW and I went to the store across the street from the school, because MC needed food and OF wanted to buy monster. While we were in there me and OF got really sidetracked in the medication aisle (I think OF was looking for caffeine tablets, the guy has got some bad habits). In the end, he didn't find any and we started reading the names of condoms and "intimate gel" which is comedy gold to me for some reason. Oran eventually got a packet of biscuits (which I paid for, because I was pretending I was richer than him and basically constantly flexing and stuff so he was like "prove it, since paying for my biscuits won't mean anything to you" and I'm willing to go far for a joke so of course I did).

When we got back to school, lunch was awkward for some reason, we just didn't have much to talk about I guess, but I'm sure it's nothing.

So anyways, I walked home from school with OF and MC (after almost missing them because I lost my coat in the school) and that was the end of the school day. Idk what else to say, had steak for dinner and started my homework wayyy too late but I have a good excuse so it's all cool. Bye.

[rae0flyte]

Whole 30 Challenge - Before and After

About a month ago, my mom approached me with the idea of doing the Whole 30 Challenge. The purpose of Whole 30 is not to be a diet, it's to help identify food sensitivities. After 30 days, there is a slow reintroductory period of the foods that are not allowed. If there are undesired effects from a reintroduced food, then it's best to keep limiting that from your regular food intake.

I didn't love the idea of how many restrictions there were at all, but I wanted to help because I love my mom and this presented itself as an opportunity for us to share an experience together. We used Danielle Walker's recipe book called Against All Grain for Whole 30 compliant meals, and will be using that for the reintroductory period as well.

For me, getting over sugar was the absolute hardest. It's insane how much added sugar is in food that you wouldn't necessarily think had sugar in it. I was lethargic and had constant cravings for a good week and a half. Seeing sodas in the fridge was a constant temptation. Fruits helped quite a bit, and I would have a small 1/2 cup of black coffee to get a little bit of a caffeine boost. Lemon water also helped me with the cravings. Some mornings we would blend some fruit to make non-dairy smoothies with breakfast.

Besides the sugar, the rest was fairly easy thanks to the tasty recipes. I missed cheese and rice, but didn't have any big cravings for it. We made cauliflower rice a couple times when the recipes called for it, and that was better than I thought it would be.

I didn't weigh myself on a scale or take measurements at the beginning of the 30 days, but now I wish I would have. The picture on the left is also from June since I didn't really take an official before picture when we started. I didn't think I was going to change that much. I look at these pictures and am pretty amazed that I look like I lost weight, but was still eating my normal amounts of food. I've lost a lot of the bloating in the midsection. My mom has lost 3 lbs and reports feeling slimmer and less bloated as well. Overall, I FEEL healthier in mind, body, and soul after these 30 days and sharing time with my mom by bonding over grocery shopping, cooking, etc. I plan on continuing to keep my sugar intake fairly limited, but I'm going to treat myself every once in a while now that I can. I had a Coca-Cola today and it was SO sugary sweet, that I doubt I'll need another one for a week! Worth it though. :)

I want to do something else for the next 30 days to keep myself going on a healthy track, so I have decided to start 30 days of walking one mile. As of today I am holding myself accountable to get 1 mile of walking daily! Maybe next month I'll upgrade to running, but baby steps. Starting small.

I also want to be able to cosplay as Aeris or Tifa by the time the Final Fantasy VII remake comes out in March, so all of this is getting my body going in the right direction~♡

Have a happy, healthy day everyone!

[mediciisms]

I'm sorry, that was supposed to be 'mobster'. Blame not sleeping for a couple days and running on pure caffeine. But that brings up another point, why /do/ you stay in the circus? You could live the life of Riley and not have to do anything. Like the work, I'm guessing? ~TLDA

( ☆ ) “m’not too much of a mobster, either. Just the occasional hired muscle, really - my main job is with the circus.”

“Of course I like the work. The adoring fans, the constant spotlight, the posters and neon lights with my name? Not only that, but doing the whole acrobat bit itself is so much fun - the adrenaline you get when you’re that high up is insane. Although, the elephant Vice normally carries probably adds to that.”