#the whole concept of cis passing is bs anyway

[thegingervulcan]

Going off of this post originally by @shippingisnotactivism I just wanted to say in addition to the alienation felt by cispassing peeps who are attracted to both genders it's the exact same for those of us cispassing folks that just like the one. I'm nonbinary but I dress more femme a lot of the time and on top of that I'm asexual, so when I talk to people I'm not out to or just in general it feels like it's a separate sort of zone that you're in. I don't completely identify with my cis friends when the talk about having crushes on guys or going out with them bc that's a whole other world on my end. If I'm talking to a guy I like I half to completely out myself before anything can even think about happening bc I look the way that I do and it's often assumed that I'm different from who I am

[unproduciblesmackdown]

speaking of, 2 concrete things i’d actually want out out of the future is top surgery & a legal name change. its some bs that even though this is something i want its not currently something i can anticipate/look forward to/feel like i can expect to happen

another thing thats wild is that ive really wanted these things even before it became related to noncis reasons. like, for what my legal name is now, ive actually always hated being called it for my whole life. in a way, ive never even really considered it my name. it isnt my “real name,” and i wouldn’t even use the term deadname for it, as that implies it was ever alive for me, which it wasnt. and i used to feel like the way your “legal name” gets automatically used in many scenarios was just an annoyance, but now i can’t tolerate it in the least.

as for top surgery, i’ve also always wished i were flatchested, and i am not, to the degree that loose clothes won’t do much for me and bras pretty much have to have underwire and no stores carry a genuinely proper fit (which is true for most people but some more than others). but again even way back in the day i wanted to be permanently flatchested. there are some experiences i cannot imagine for myself, such as thinking rain is depressing even tho apparently so many ppl do its taken for granted, or becoming irritable b/c you havent had lunch yet. another one is hoping to have a less flat chest. i never felt even an inkling of that or could understand it in the least. and you know when awful moms write horrible self-involved thinkpieces about their trans child with handwringing about how they can’t imagine wanting top surgery for themselves and cant deal with their child wanting it? and theyll just go on about how for them having breasts is essential and some critical part of their identity and sexuality and i am like. first of all shut up and secondly what the fuck are you talking about b/c i can tell you i cant imagine having some kind of crisis over being flat. guess you arent allowed to be cis until i can figure out how to empathize lol

honestly i can be a like. super analytical person and i think part of it is that even as a kid i wasnt seeing it as some sort of crucial thing about Maturity or guys being all hot for you because i was busy noticing how its guys being real predatory at you and how someone with breasts becomes an object and in general the weird cultural fetishizing of non-flat breasts just makes me uncomfortable now same as then, whether i had them or not. i say non flat because spoilers everyone has breasts. same structure, different development in different people. and you know, it is awful even for cis girls, if you read about people who started developing larger breasts at a younger age as per starting puberty earlier, and having to suddenly deal with grown men already staring at their chests and harassing them and etc. its bad enough getting that treatment at any age, much less when you’re like, 9.

so anyways. i’m not always plagued w dysphoria or anything, but i want to be flatchested. and the concept that to be not straight or not cis, you have to basically have no choice...like you must have constant and torturous dysphoria and oh god if only you could be cis but this is forcing you at gunpoint to be otherwise! like umh no but i WANT to have top surgery and that should be and is good enough. and i would even tolerate the surgery part coz like...i have a sort of aversion to like, being stabbed, even tho obviously, logically, surgery is controlled and not actually harmful, but still. knives! but actually at this point what bothers me more now is that i dont trust bitches. like some people would consider it harmless if ppl say some disrespectful blasé shit about you if you’re passed out, but i don’t, and i dont even only apply that to myself. shut tf up about other patients. and like i said the fucked up degree to which breasts are fetishized so that theyre basically considered to make you a sexual object and to even see someones breasts as a straight dude is to have diminished and gotten the upper hand on someone...shits fucked up. like, Reverse Sexism is real coz i can see myself being way more comfortable not having a dude doing my top surj, which i will probably never get to have anyhow, but it is at least a bonus to know that i would want it. im even more reverse sexist because i wouldnt want a dude nads doctor either, if i ever went to one. but i do not think that that kind of preference is unfounded, especially since there’s really sooo many ways that even the most basic and routine medical treatment can be a bad experience for patients because their own specific wants and needs arent listened to and not all doctors and nurses ought to even have that job and really awful shitty things can happen to people, even endangering them, because they arent given a basic level of respect

anyways.....i have a real name and its not whats “legally” recorded and i also wish i could expect to have top surgery but for starters i have to be able to expect i’ll be alive and for the past however many years i have not been afforded that assumption