#the whole Newark scene fucks because of it really

[jerseymuppet]

the chemical in my chemical romance that makes them Fuck so hard is the same chemical that makes ny bagels so delicious. york water. and estrogen

[tyforthevnm]

Interview with Livewire Online - My Chemical Romance

Posted November 12, 2003

KM, CC, JS Another thing to add to my "What Punk Isn't" List: being an asshole.

I got into punk rock because I wasn't accepted anywhere else and it was a place where everyone was accepted for who they were and what they wanted to be and to go there and make that a scene thats scary for kids to come to, being elitists about that, just defeats the whole purpose. So don't be an asshole.

LW: This is your 3rd night on the tour? Gerard: Uhh.....4th LW: Ah, ok, so how's it been so far? All: Awesome Ray: It's been cool cause Philly hasn't always been the best but... Frank: Yeah, we've always sucked it up in Philly. Gerard: Yeah, kids aren't too keen on us here but... LW: The first night on this tour was a full house at the 9:30 in DC. How does that compare to he smaller club tour with Piebald? Gerard: Piebald tour was really awesome cause...it wasn't necessarily a full house every night but the nights that it was and the nights that the kids were really good and responsive were almost magical, you know? Frank: It was cool cause there were smaller venues too, so it was more intimate. Ray: There were shows that had 70 people tops, like St. Louis. Mikey: Yeah, that one night there were like 30. Ray: Yeah and still every show was just fun. Less people, but definitely cool. LW: How have people reacted to you guys on this tour so far? Matt: Really good. Gerard: They wanna dance and have fun, you know? Mikey: Yeah, we dig the crowds that wanna have fun. LW: How do you respond to negative criticism? Frank: Bring it! Matt: We actually like it. Gerard: Yeah, especially hecklers, we like hecklers. It gives us more to do... Frank: But if you heckle a band, right? And the band is like, "Ok, why don't you come up and say that?", don't say it when they turn their back. Don't not say anything while they're facing you. That really sucks and you're a pussy. But if you're gonna heckle somebody, heckle them as hard as you would if they fucking talked to you. Ray: Yeah, if you say somethin and we're like, "Come up here and get killed", and you don't do that, like... LW: So Ray, your 80's Session guitar, how reliable is it on the road? Ray: I think in...Charlotte...it fell off the stage and busted in half basically. It probably can be fixed but I haven't gotten around to it. I've been playing Frank's, no, Mikey's SG and I actually like it better. It's a lot lighter but I do miss my Session guitar. LW: Do you guys like to experiment with vintage equipment in the studio that you wouldn't otherwise use on tour? Matt: We haven't had the chance. Gerard: Yeah, we can't afford it. Matt: On the record we did play with one vintage bass but that's about it. Frank: If you wanna, like, let us borrow one for recording feel free to do that. LW: You guys list a lot of 80's bands as influences, what are you into now? Gerard: The same bands. LW: I mean, like recent bands. Matt: Recover, Alkaline Trio Mikey: I like the new Doves a lot, the new Zwan record... Frank: Glassjaw LW: You kinda look like Billy Corgan. Gerard: Actually the very first time we played the Electric Factory, we got a review in Revolver that said I looked like the creepy son of Billy Corgan or something like that. It was a good review though. Mikey: Yeah, you look like how Jakob Dylan looks like his dad, you look like that with Billy Corgan. LW: Jakob Dylan is hotter than his dad so that's sort of a compliment. Mikey: Yeah, it is. Matt: He kept his hair. Frank: Have you seen Bob Dylan lately? They need to whell him out, he's dead. I think he's dead and no one's saying anything. LW: What do you think about your local scene? Gerard: Can't wait to go back to it. Frank: Ahh, Jersey. LW: Where in Jersey are you from? Frank: Newark. LW: Oh, ok. I'm from Cherry Hill. Frank: Oh really? Listen to Bombshelter Productions.They're really good. Gerard: Yeah, we're doing a hall show with Bombshelter... Ray: February 28. Gerard: Yeah, February 28. Frank: Big Wig... Mikey: We're gonna try to do those as many times as possible. LW: Yeah, its fun to see a local band come back and play a show. Gerard: It sucks cause because, it's like we, fuckin like almost wasted away too early in really big shows and we didn't play enough of the halls. Like, I can count on 2 hands probably, the number of halls we played. It sucks. And basements. Our best shows have been at colleges, halls, and basements. We've had a couple great shows on big stages, you know, but that barricade, thats fuckin shit. The fact that we're all 10 feet above... Frank: I dunno how you got through that monitor, dude. I thought I was gonna bust my ass. Ray: Well, I scoped it out before... Gerard: I tested it out before too, but, I was still like, "Fuck this!" Frank: DC was fine, like, it wasn't that far but I still didn't like the barricade. LW: The TLA down on South Street is better. Frank: I wanna play there! Ray: Do they still have barricades up like that? LW: They still have barricades but the stage is lower so you can see everything a lot better. LW: How did you guys get hooked up with Eyeball? Gerard: I had known Alex for years and he made a big policy not to sign friends' bands, and we were friends for years so I didn't think he would sign us but he saw us at like our 3rd show and he was like, "Dude, why don't you just come be part of the family? We can make it work". And we did. And it's pretty cool. LW: This lineup's been together since 2002? Gerard: Yeah, Frankie hopped on right before we recorded the record. Frank: I was in a band that was on Eyeball before. Matt: Yeah, so we used to play together. Gerard: They helped start us. LW: How important are sales stats to you? Do you get any pressure from your label? Frank: Pshhh... Gerard: That's one of the best parts about being on Eyeball: they don't give a shit. We always try to be successful and we want the music out there, that's the most important thing. Like, sound scanning doesn't mean shit to us, anything like stats doesn't mean anything to us. When we get to a venue or a city and we show up and we get on stage and we see all these kids sing along, that's how we know. Ray: Its not like a piece of paper that says 39 or 10 or whatever, it's the kids. Matt: They can all go get if off the internet anyway so why even care, you know? LW: I was going to ask that next. What about the availability of your music on the internet? Frank: Get it however you can! Gerard: I feel that like bands that are really small at the indie level, and labels that are at that level that are struggling, you should support them. Download it, if you like it, go buy it. Ray: Anything though, go to a show and buy some merch. Frank: We'd rather you come see us live. Mikey: I love the artwork, like album covers and the linear notes, like how can you get a stack of cds that say like... Gerard: Sharpieee Frank: I'm such a collector of music that I need the cover art, so I mean, like, go steal it... LW: What are your plans for the next release? Do you have any ideas production or material-wise? Frank: The first song we played... Gerard: The first track that we opened with is pretty much going to be the track that summarizes the whole record. It's a concept about revenge. We're taking March off just to write. We're not going into the studio anytime soon but we have all this music in us from the last 6 months and we wanna get it down so maybe we'll start playin some of this newer stuff out live. We wanna support this record. LW: Are you looking forward to Skate & Surf? All: Yeah! Frank: Oh yeah. Andrew WK! We met him last night. Ray: That was awesome. Frank: He wore tight green sweatpants and flannel and, uh, a big hat. I love that guy. LW: Do you have any other big festivals planned? What else are you doing this year? Gerard: Europe. Reading Festival. Mikey: The one that, like, Oasis always plays. LW: What goals have you accomplished this year? Gerard: Everything we wanted to and more. Frank: We've been so lucky it's not even funny. Gerard: It was me and Mikey's personal goal to play in Irving Plaza. We did that last night...and the night before. Every single goal. To have a record out, we did it, play in front of as many people as possible... Matt: Play Warped Tour Gerard: I think Warped Tour is the only thing left that we all sat around and said, "Hey, we wanna do this." Frank: So as soon as that happens, we're done! Matt: We can just stop. LW: So that's the only major thing left? All: No... Gerard: I dunno what we're striving for. I personally...we're striving to get it out to as many people as possible. Have that energy that we're putting out spit back at us. And to create really great moments when we play instead of us just, "Hey, we're a band you've never heard of, come check us out". I wanna get past that. That's my personal goal. LW: Have you faced any big challenges so far? Gerard: Getting used to touring. I mean that's the hardest thing any band has to do and once they get over that hump and get used to it they can really do whatever they want. I mean, a touring band is the kind of band that reaches people. MP3's don't reach people, getting out there reaches people. LW: As a band, how have you changed since the beginning? Gerard: A lot! Matt: We got Frankie! Frank: I got skinnier, we don't eat on tour. Gerard: [pointing at Ray] He's got an afro now! We got way more violent on stage. We're not trying to bring a violent message...it's not so much violence as a release of positive and negative energy. That causes accidents sometimes. LW: Where do you see yourselves heading in the future? Frank: Creating an MCR universe... Ray: A little MCR world. Gerard: I dunno, doin what we're doin now, touring. Frank: Reaching as many kids as possible and just... Matt: It's hard to tell cause we were just seein this in the near future, and it's hard to even think what's after this. Gerard: Yeah, I dunno what's after this. Frank: You don't know how lucky we've been. We've been together for a year. It's so silly, it's fuckin silly. We're really appreciative. I'm still collecting applications for Burger King... LW: If you had to write a State-of-the-Union-address-style speech about popular music, what would your main points be? Ray: Oh boy. Do it Frankie. Matt: Kill it! Mikey: I mean, there's nothin wrong with pop music. It's all the songs that everyone listens to when nobody's around, you know? Everybody loves that shit, so if you say you don't like it, you're fuckin lying. Everyone loves the new Justin Timberlake song and if you don't you're probably lying. Frank: I'm sick and fucking tired of people not writing their own goddam songs and getting on the radio and pretending like they're...like they know what's up. And, like, I'm tired of all that. I'm tired of bands that totally suck and kids buyin their t-shirts and being like, "Oh, this is what punk is" or "This is what hardcore is". And all these people don't know or care what it's all about or anything like that and I'm really psyched for real music and honest music to come out. Like Thursday. Bands like The Ghost, Sleep Station, Midtown, AFI. Bands that mean it, that have been there, that kids don't even know about and all these bands like Good Charlotte and Sum 41 and all these fuckin shit pop bands out there are influenced by these bands and rip them off. Matt: Or their writers rip them off. Frank: And no one fucking cares. I dunno, I'm really waiting for all this shit to be destroyed and that's one of my goals too. To get up there and if I get 10 kids to not buy Sum 41 cds and actually get into real music, like buy a Refused cd, please. If I can do that, then I'll feel like I've done something. And that's the way I feel about that! LW: Feel better? Frank: Little bit. Yeah. LW: Is there anything else we didn't touch on that you wanna share? Frank: Yes! Support indie scenes, support your local scene, support local bands! Put on a show. Do something. Write a letter to your fuckin asshole president who is bombing innocent people for no reason. Just make a difference. Cause one person can do something. If you just sit back and pretend, like, you know, like, "Oh it's not my problem" or "I can't do anything about it", you're just adding to the bullshit. And don't talk shit about things you don't know about, like, bands like Thursday and Midtown and bands that are comin out that worked their asses off to get stuff. People call them sellouts because they got success. There's a fine line between selling out and success. Don't you think it'd be better to hear Thursday on the radio than Creed? Seriously. This is our scene, all of ours, support it! Don't fuck up venues. Don't be an asshole. It's not punk rock to be an asshole. And another thing. If you go to shows just to kick somebody's ass, you're stupid, you're a jock and you're fuckin ruining everything. I got into punk rock because I wasn't accepted anywhere else and it was a place where everyone was accepted for who they were and what they wanted to be and to go there and make that a scene thats scary for kids to come to, being elitists about that, just defeats the whole purpose. So don't be an asshole. LW: What do you have to say about the bashing that Midtown gets for the whole, uh, thing? Frank: Fuck you! Do you have any clue what happened with that? No! You have no clue dude. Seriously. Not that it's a situation to even be made known, but you don't know what they went through cause it's no one's fuckin business. And trust me. They worked for everything they've gotten.

[1985music]

Assembly of the Gods

Twon, If you're reading this it's too late my G. 

I'm never sure where to begin with these stories. Y'all remember when Nas spit a whole story backwards? Nevermind forget it. 

The year is 2013, I believe, and it's a rainy night in the fall. My boy Robbie Maxx drags my wife and I to a Meek Mill show in Teaneck NJ, just to peep the scene. The parking lot is a mad house of course. We had to wait in line and shit, which wasn't the vibe. We finally get in the spot, it's already packed and the opening acts are doing their thing. This one performer caught my attention. This short, energetic kid with his squad on stage with him screaming, "UPPERCLASS!". The young boy with the name "TWON" gleaming off his hat was spitting some fire with no fear or nervousness to a sold-out crowd in his hometown. Pretty dope performance overall. Soon after his exit from the stage Meek would come out and make is presence known. I knew that wasn't the last time I'd see or hear from that Twon guy. 

Some months later Maxx would headline a show at this spot called Mexicali Live (Debonair Lounge) and guess who he throws on the bill? You guessed it, TWONDON. It had been a while since I last saw the kid and this go-around the music was a bit different. He performed and did his thing much like the first time I saw him. He was chopping it up with his fans/supporters after his performance, so I had to wait to talk to him. I hate that sh*t. I was able to properly introduce myself and extend the invitation to collab. I'll admit our first encounter wasn't the greatest. It's always weird when a ni**a that doesn't know you tries to strike a conversation. He'll tell you. Although he knew of me as being Maxx's producer/engineer up until this point we hadn't had any extensive interaction. We exchanged info and that was that. He wasn't trying to hear anything I had to say that night though.

 Now it's 2014, I was floating around to different events in NYC. One in particular was a private album release party for Mobb Deep (RIP Prodigy). I want to say it was their last album, "The Infamous Mobb Deep." I'm coolin' in the spot for a little bit and guess who I bump in to? Of course, Twondon. The first thing he says to me is, "Damn B, you get around". At this point this ni**a finally realizes he can't escape the God. This time we got a chance to really chop it up. He mentioned to me he was looking for a new spot to record and a good engineer. I had to get my boy right. The first track we recorded together was, "Life's a Bitch" featuring AZ. I remember Twon asking me, "Yo B, can you somehow scratch in the Acapella of AZ from Nas' "Life's a Bitch"?” and explained how he wanted it to cut in and out of the hook. I remember thinking to myself, "This ni**a has no clue this my f**king BAG." To make a long story short my execution of what he requested was flawless. In past interviews Twon has mentioned that "Life's a Bitch" was when he found "His sound."

 Soon after Twon would make 1985 Sound Studio in Belleville, NJ his new home for recording. By this time I had already mixed a few singles for him including "4th and Inches" and "Run It" featuring Bizzy Crook and slew of others. There's this on-going thing where he'll say some sh*t like "Yo B, make me sound icy" and somehow I know what he means everytime. He also connected me with a few artists he knew including a young lyricist by the name of Dolla $ign Dunn who I continue to help with developing his sound as well. In the early stages of creating with Twon he had already had a lot of his beats picked out so he didn't really need me for production. I was just helping to cultivate that Upperclass sound through my mixing and mastering techniques. It wasn't until mid 2015 that discussions of his debut EP "Stay Golden" began to take shape. 

After a session one day Twon asked me about a beat I was creating on my ipad that I previewed on Instagram I think. No stories back then this was all timeline action. He said "That beat sound like me." 

I didn't think anything of it, I looped up the beat, added a few more elements to it and gave it up. No charge. That was the birth of the first single "Too Committed". He sat on the beat for a short time and came back to the studio and laid the 1st verse and the hook. Later on he told me that Smoke DZA would be blessing the record and executive producing the album "Stay Golden." 

"TWON!!? Antwon!! Wake your black ass up it's 1 in the afternoon..."   -Gloria's Intro (Mama Twondon) 

Twondon's “Stay Golden” album was released December 8, 2015, a day after my 30th Birthday. I was in Vegas my ni**a. The project was well received. The song "Million Dollar Babies" off that project racked up 600,000+ streams on Spotify alone. The whole roll-out for that project was dope. I go back and listen to that project sometimes and I love the way it sounds. It sounds just like the title, "Golden." So much work went into it and I enjoyed every minute of it. There are 10 mixes on "Too Committed" alone. Occasionally I will hear my wife bumping "All the Above." She's also partially responsible for placing "Too Committed" in the Indie film "King of Newark" (2016) 

After the success of that project we continued to create and build. The last few years I've watched Twondon evolve from rapper/lyricist to clothing designer to all-around entrepreneur. Yeah man, my boy was making clothes. I had to support him because the Upperclass Intl. collections were dope, simple as that. Every collection is limited pieces, so if you miss it for the week it's available it's over. His system is untouchable to say the least. He'll give you some dope music and then turn around and give you some fresh clothes. Young Nipsey traits for sure. The one piece I missed out on was this navy blue Upperclass hoodie he dropped. Still salty about that. He know. 

The inception of "God Complex" 

Summer of 2016 I locked in with my brother Josh. He would come to the crib on random days and cook up. Lay hooks, make beats etc. One of the hooks he laid was on "F**k What They Tryna Say," we both knew it was special. He laid it down and we never revisted it. Typical Josh sh*t. He's just a legendary soul. He's different. 

2017 I relocated to Atlanta. Twondon and I would maintain our working relationship and brother-hood from a far. We would send sessions back and forth, long ass facetime calls and sh*t. I would send beats sometimes and I stumbled across that joint "F**k What They Tryna Say" again, so I sent it to him. He didn't have anything in his catalog like it at the time. He wrote to it in about 45 minutes maybe less and sent me voice notes of the verses he had. Just undeniable flame. Since he didn't have a studio to record in at the time, I arranged to shoot back to Jersey to handle some business and record his verses. We linked up at a Sheraton I was staying at in Weehawken NJ overlooking New York City. I set up my laptop and microphone, we had some "God-Talk" and we got to work. Needless to say this record "Fuck What They Tryna Say" is about to be 4 years old by the time you guys hear it. Timeless vibes. Around the time we recorded that song I was still dealing with the indelible aftermath of my own personal police misconduct situation. It's documented that US Police had already shot and killed 72+ unarmed black males from 2015-2017. The numbers continue to rise. The message in that song is powerful, heavy and very clear, Fuck what they tryna say. We're not naive to what's happening in our communities, but as you can see we still thrive anyway. So we dont give a f**k what yall talking about. Plain and simple. 

"The skeletons in the closet is rising, the truth is louder than ever they kill us and televise it..." "FWTTS" - Twondon (feat Josh.GLPA) 

These last few years have made me realize how important the artist-engineer and artist-producer relationship really is. We've gotten so good at separating our business and personal lives that when this guy hits my line and simply says, "Mr. Ross," my response is normaly "Mr. Gibbs?”, I know something is coming. Would you believe we've spent the last 7 years developing his sound to what you hear today? I've mixed and mastered over 30 songs, 3 albums and 3 EPs for Twondon thus far. So many email threads, text messages, phone calls and overtime to bring to life that Upperclass sound you know him for. “God Complex” is just a cornerstone of what we've been able to build together on this journey of ours. Songs like “199$” and “Trips Up North,” are the creative by-product of our extensive conversations about life, man-hood, spirituality and how we are limitless in our thinking and resilient in what we pursue. We are Gods in our own right. Like Ye said, "I just told you who I thought I was, a God". Just respect it. Hope you enjoy this masterpiece. More music on the way. It's Upperclass ̡ 

Written by Brandon "Plan B '85" Ross 1985 Music 

Stream/Buy God Complex NOW

http://smarturl.it/GODCOMPLEXPACK

[citrinekay]

Prompt, for later: Bill and Holden are together for quite some time and keep it secret. One day Bill gets an invitation to a wedding with his +1, but he can't bring Holden so he throws it out. Holden finds it and tries to convince Bill to go alone, but Bill is adamant. Later he confesses to Wendy he wishes he could marry Holden. She describes marriage as a financial contract, BUT is secretly a romantic, so she tells him that even if marriage is impossible, he can propose and make his vows.

Ok I am taking a brief break from my long fic because I have not stopped thinking about this prompt since I got it. The gay yearning in this … i can’t 😭 Thank you, and here you go 💕: 

The invitation comes on crisp, eggshell white stationary with watercolor lilacs and gold calligraphy lettering. It’s addressed to Bill, but at the bottom in the delicate, cursive lettering, it suggests he bring a plus one when RSVPing to help the two celebrate a day of “love that’s meant to be.” 

He finds it between his water bill and a piece of junk mail, and almost immediately throws it in the garbage. It’s not that he doesn’t want to attend his old pal’s wedding. He knew the guy way back in the day when the BSU was first founded. Though they haven’t kept up over the years, Bill knows what kind of person he is - and who else will be at the wedding. A whole lot of FBI good ol’ boys, relics of the Hoover system, the principled type who would have undoubtedly thrown a fit if they knew Holden took “fellatio” and “cunnilingus” off the list of deviant terminology. Guys who would take one look at Bill bringing Holden as his plus one, and draw all kinds of conclusions - every single one of them correct. 

The invitation sails into the garbage can on top of a paper plate spattered with day old ketchup. 

Later that evening, Holden comes over with carry-out from the burger joint down the road, and a case of beer. Once they’ve gorged themselves on burgers and fries and shared two beers, Holden is snuggled up in his arms, half falling asleep while the television plays The Godfather. 

The wedding theme is following him, Bill thinks. Maybe it’s the universe trying to tell him something. 

He glances down at Holden’s flushed cheek nestled against his chest, his dark eyelashes shielding Bill from a glimpse of his pretty blue eyes. His hair is a tousled mess from Bill running his fingers through it, and the puckered swell of his lower lip has the same affect on him that always does: a deep, magnetic urge to kiss Holden senseless. 

Bill glances back at the television screen, trying to focus his attention back on the film. He’s been through love and marriage, buying a house together, having a kid, all the normal things that are expected - or rather readily accessible - to a heterosexual couple. It’s confetti, icing on a cake when the batter would have been satisfying enough. He doesn’t need all that. What they have between them, secretly is good enough even if Bill can never take Holden as his plus one to a wedding, or walk down the aisle towards him in their own celebration of love meant to be. 

He’s usually pretty good at giving himself a pep talk and moving on. This time, it doesn’t stick. He can’t bury his feelings, but he should have at least burned the invitation. 

A few days later, they’re getting ready for work in the morning. Bill is standing over the kitchen counter drinking his coffee and reading the newspaper while Holden uses the blender to mix a smoothie. As the whir of the blender dies down, Holden turns to Bill with a curious gaze. 

“Is everything okay with you?” 

“What?” Bill asks, looking up from the paper. “Yeah. Why?”

“You’ve been quiet the past few days.” 

“I have?” 

“Yes.” Holden says, pouring out his smoothie into a glass. He takes a sip, leaving a milky line on his upper. 

“You’ve got some …” Bill mutters, leaning over to kiss the smoothie off Holden’s mouth. 

Holden leans into him, sighing into the kiss. He chuckles as he pulls his mouth away. “Hey, don’t change the subject.” 

“I’m not.” 

“You are.” Holden objects, freeing himself from Bill’s embrace.

“Holden, I’m fine. Really. I’m just tired.”

Holden stares him down for a moment before spinning around, and marching over to the side table where Bill keeps his bills in order. He pulls a slip of paper from the bottom of the stack, and holds it up. 

“It doesn’t have anything to do with this?” 

Bill recognizes the ketchup-stained wedding invitation almost immediately. He sputters in disbelief for a moment before scraping together a defensive retort. “First of all, you’re going through my trash?” 

“It was sitting right on top.” Holden says, “Isn’t Jim a really old friend of yours?”

“Yes.” Bill says, tersely. 

“Then why are you throwing out his wedding invitation?”

Bill presses his fingertips to the bridge of his nose, trying to quell his frustration. “Because.” 

“Because why?” Holden presses, “Because it says plus one on here?”

Bill opens his eyes, casting Holden a narrowed gaze. Holden stares back at him with an expectant look, waiting for an explanation. 

“Look, I’m probably not going to be able to attend anyway.” Bill says, “We’re out of town half of the time, and the other half we’re way too busy to be-”

“It’s on a Saturday.” 

“I know, but it’s all the way in Newark and-”

“You could make time.” 

Bill turns back to his newspaper, swallowing down a hot drink of coffee. It burns the back of his throat where an agitated knot is beginning to form. 

“I don’t know why you fucking care.” He says, “Jim is my friend, and if I don’t want to go then that’s my business.” 

Holden sighs, sounding a little wounded. “Fine. But I wouldn’t be upset if you went alone. I understand how it would look.” 

“It isn’t that.” Bill says, sharply. “I don’t care what those people think of me.”

“Yes, you do.” Holden says, softly. “Every time you touch me you’re breaking the law.” 

Bill looks up from the mass of little, black letters printed uniformly across the newspaper. His chest stings against the raw truth of what Holden is saying. The law is against them in every way, and they’re flirting with danger every time they so much as hold hands under the table in a restaurant. And to think, Bill had indulged himself in dreaming of Holden in a white chapel, his hair combed back and gleaming in the light, his chest sprouting with wedding day flowers. 

“I’m sorry.” Holden says, “That was …”

“No, you’re right.” Bill says, “Come here.”

Holden lays the invitation down, and shuffles across the kitchen to Bill’s outstretched arm. Bill curls his arm around Holden’s neck, drawing him close to his chest. 

Pressing a kiss to Holden’s temple, he whispers, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“I would tell the world that if I could.”

Holden nods against his chest, his voice meek and muffled, “I know.” 

After a few silent moments, they slowly break away from one another to continue getting ready for work. Conversation is stifled as they kiss as the front door, and go their separate ways to their cars. 

Bill doesn’t see much of Holden for the rest of the day. They’re slammed with requests from police precincts, both of them up to their ears in piles of crime scene photos and profiles. 

Bill thinks that it might be best to create some distance. The exchange this morning felt like some kind of argument that they don’t know how to resolve, not a fundamental issue with one another but rather with their situation. It’s not a riddle to solve or a behavior to analyze. There’s no understanding the way he feels about Holden, no moral resolution he can slot them into to convince himself that it’s okay. It just is. The way the sky is blue and the grass is green, he wants Holden in every way possible, only he can’t have it. It seems like a design flaw in the universe. They shouldn’t be mad with each other, but who else is there to be angry with for giving them this beautiful thing that’s constantly under threat of extinction? 

At the end of the day, Holden pokes his head into Bill’s office. 

“I’m about to leave for the day.” He says, “You coming?”

“I’m going to finish this up.” Bill says, motioning to the profile in front of him. 

Holden’s mouth purses in a line meant to hide his disappointment, but it shines clearly through his eyes. “Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Yeah.” 

“Okay.” Holden says, his gaze dropping towards the floor. “Bye.” 

He turns to leave, and almost runs into Wendy who is on her way into Bill’s office. They exchange muttered goodbyes before Wendy slips past him into the office. 

“I was just bringing you the application list.” She says, setting the folder on his desk. “You can look at it tomorrow.” 

“Thanks.” Bill mutters, barely looking up from his notebook where his notes are scattered in nearly illegible chicken scratch. 

Wendy pauses across the desk from him, her hands clasped in front of her. 

“Was there something else?” He asks, taking his reading glasses off to meet her gaze. 

“Is Holden okay?” She asks, her gaze reserved yet calculated. 

“As far as I know.” 

“He looked upset just now.” 

Bill leans back in his chair, and lets out a sigh. He hesitates to tell Wendy their personal business, but she’s about the only person he trusts to unload on. 

“Yeah, we um … we had a … I don’t know what you’d call it - disagreement - this morning.” 

“Ah.” Wendy says, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Bill glances away. He instinctively reaches for his cigarettes to soothe his nerves. 

Wendy closes the door of the office, and comes back to take the chair across from him. She crosses her legs, and folds her hands patiently in her lap. 

“An old buddy of mine is getting married.” Bill says, focusing on the tip of his cigarette catching flame. “I got the invitation the other day.”

“Okay.” Wendy says, slowly. 

“I threw it away.” Bill says, taking drag of his cigarette, and tilting his head back to exhale smoke towards the ceiling. “Holden found it in the trash.”

Wendy’s head tilts to one side as she quietly analyzes this information. 

Bill sighs, and shakes his head. “I don’t know. I thought I didn’t want to go because it said on the invitation that I should bring a plus one, and I know I can’t take Holden to that kind of thing. But, then he said something to me that …”

“What’s that?” Wendy asks, softly. 

Bill stares at the singed tip of his cigarette, feeling the lump returning. He clears his throat against it, and pushes on, “Every time I touch him, I’m breaking the law.”

Wendy is quiet for a moment, absorbing the remark. “Is that how you feel?” 

Bill glances up at her, a frown knitting his brow. “What do you mean?”

“Does it feel criminal?” She asks, “When you touch him.” 

“No.” Bill whispers, “It feels … right. And, I suppose I didn’t realize it until he said it that the reason I didn’t want to go is because I don’t want to watch someone else get a second chance at marrying the love of their life when I don’t.” 

“Your friend is remarrying?”

“Yeah.” Bill says, scoffing. “A third time, actually. I know for a fact he cheated on his ex-wife. So I guess it feels a little wrong that he gets to marry whoever the fuck he feels like, and I-”

He glances away, rubbing a hand over his mouth. Saying it aloud makes the truth of it burn worse, right down into his chest like acid. 

“It is unfair.” Wendy says, “Heterosexual men and women get to abuse the constitution of marriage with impunity while you and I are left with the only thing we have - our privacy, a thing we must protect with our lives. At times, it feels like a struggle just to survive, and that very few people will ever understand what we experience every day.” 

“So, what you’re saying is I shouldn’t isolate myself from Holden?” Bill asks, scoffing past the lump in his throat. “You’re probably right. I should apologize.”

“Yes, I’m saying that. But I’m saying something else, too.” Wendy says, smiling gently. “I’m saying that homosexuality has existed for centuries. It’s older than modern religion, and it’s much, much older than our government and their laws. Marriage, in the traditional sense, is a gathering and a celebration of two people who love each other very much. It isn’t defined by a courthouse or a piece of paper.” 

Bill meets Wendy’s gaze, a smile tugging at his mouth. “I hadn’t thought of it that way.”

“I had a lot of gay friends in Boston.” Wendy says, “They had marriage ceremonies all the time. Proposals, rings, vows, all of it. Perhaps it wasn’t valid in the eyes of the law, but that isn’t what mattered. It wasn’t a legal contract to them. It was a display of commitment and loyalty to someone they loved very much.” 

“Wow.” Bill says, “That’s incredible.” 

Wendy nods, and rises to her feet. “It’s not beyond your reach. Think about it.” 

“I will. Thanks.” 

She smiles, softly. “Have a good night, Bill.” 

“You too.” 

She slips out of the office, leaving him alone with his thoughts. Her words settle in slowly, past his frustrations at the injustices of the world. The clamor dies down, his emotions boiling down to one thing, one certainty - he loves Holden, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with him. Beyond that, the rest is melting away, inconsequential details, a few obstacles but none that he can’t hurdle. 

Bill jumps up from his chair, leaving his cigarette half-smoked in the ashtray. The jewelry shop will be closing soon.

[xxx420swagatron69xxx]

30 Song Challenge

Im not doing 30 days of this so here it is all at once. Enjoy and message me if you actually listen to them, I wanna hear how people like this music,

https://open.spotify.com/user/brunotech69/playlist/5qZfg7ML5vJHF5fR6uuXgE?si=RaUsUp5zQEWksu3WElLhlg

(Two youtube only songs)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjENPPTzybQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=calHOKucYMw

 1.      Pacific Blue – Emily Zeck

a.      Lots of ocean analogys and a nice cute love song

2.      8teen – Khalid

 One of the grooviest songs on his amazing album.

3.      Old Friends – Pinegrove

 Summers are hella better for me stress-wise, but this song

4.      Past Lives – BORNS

  Its an amazing song and I hate how good it is. I listened to it over winter break after my gf at the time recommended it to me. Shame she was cheating on me the entire time.

5.      New Wave – Quinn XCII

  Found it recently and I can just imagine people in dance circles to this song

6.      Wasted – Tiesto

  It’s a popular song but I have small memories with friends of us belting this song out or dancing like idiots. It’s hard to miss a good time to just bounce up and down and scream this to whoever is listening

7.      Odd Look – Kavinsky/Weeknd

  VERY Sexual song but the bass slaps and it’s such a good road trip song when you are alone

8.      Doses & Mimosas – Cherub

   More than drugs and alcohol, this song talks about addiction and drowning your problems in substances. The second verse is my absolute favorite and the overall happy tone distracts from his cry for help. That’s why I like the song a lot.

9.      New Eyes – Cbdb

  I cant sing this with a frown. Very hopeful and just me complimenting the girl im with

10.  Like Real People Do – Hozier

  This song was shown to me by someone I still care a lot about at the right time where I needed to hear this. Its about being “saved” by someone but then worrying about why they were there looking. Mutual care and worrying about others doesn’t mean you aren’t worrying about yourself as well. This is one of three songs that will always get me sad and breathe heavy and wish things were better.

11.  Barcelona – George Ezra

  I spent a lot of my life abroad in Portugal, away from friends and ‘home’. This song deals with long distance and its George Ezra, so its just smooth to listen to

12.  Sarabande Suite (Aeternae) - Globus

   I did a lot of nerd shit and would listen to “epic” music while painting or building or video editing. This song has epic parts but has more nostalgic emphasis to me. I can see a trailer for some sci-fi movie being made out of this song.

13. Dancing in the moonlight – King Harvest

   Before itunes and spotify, my mom made a cd mixtape of good barbecue songs and this was on it. I used to hate it but its just so good now in hindsight and this is the best version so don’t @ me with other versions.

14.  Overwhelmed – Tim Mcmorris

  I made a movie for someone special using this song but it’s just so full of love. I want to feel safe with someone to this song or a slow dance without worrying about it being too gushy

15.  Golden Slumbers – Elbow (originally by Beatles)

  From a Christmas commercial but its very nice and I pet a corgi to this song once.

16.  TongueTied – Group love

 Everyone knows this song but its very feel good and so fun to yell in a car or group of people having drinks.

17.  Elephant Love Medley – Moulin Rouge

  Moulin Rouge is my fav musical and this duo is memorized forever in my head and all I need is a partner really. Also more people should see Moulin Rouge.

18.  Bombastic – Shaggy

  The best song I could find that came out in 1995

19.  Snow in Newark – Ryan Hemsworth

  Newark is a very grey, industrial city in New Jersey, but also where the airport is. If yall didn’t know, I grew up in NJ and when I left it for the last time ever (college), it was snowing in the Newark airport. This song deals with him living his touring life but just wanting to be back home to someone(?). NJ is nothing special but I left a lot of friends forever. Idk if I’ll ever see some of them again and it shouldn’t worry me as much as it does. ATL is so much more diverse and colorful and I’m not the same person I was when I left NJ, but that doesn’t stop me from sometimes wanting to be back.

20.  Goodnight, Travel Well – The Killers

 This was written for the loss of his grandma I think, but it’s a whole song that deals with loss and accepting that there is nothing else you can say or do now. There’s lots of things I wish I could take back, but now its best if I don’t reach out at all. It hurts but its for the best.

21.  Pierre – Ryn Weaver

   Beautiful voice, fun lyrics. Its about dating/sleeping around but mind is on one person and just like oof.

22.  Love – Kid Cudi

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjENPPTzybQ

 This song I cant find anywhere besides youtube because he never released it like an idiot. The chorus is the best I have ever heard and I

23.  Would You Go with Me – Josh Turner

  If I recommend a country song, and your immediate reaction is “oh I HATE country, it’s so DUMB. How COULD you enjoy it?” first of all fuck you and your Hamilton loving ass but if you want to listen to one (1) country song, this guy has an amazingly deep voice and I have a lot of good memories to this song and good lovey-dovey feels.

24.  Shots- LMFAO

  I loved LMFAO as a kid (like many people) and shots is just such a simple feel good song and if you say you never at one point enjoyed their music at a party, you are weak and lying.

25.  Waiting for the End – Linkin Park

a.      His suicide really punched me in the gut and I had to excuse myself from work to cry a bit. I always enjoyed the less scream-y Linkin Park songs and there are a lot of messages I hope people can relate to and get help for.

26.  I Belong to you – Ben Abraham

  Simple and sweet, he sings about knowing that one day he will fall in love. He knows he doesn’t have one now, but isn’t worried and is sure that there is someone out there he will meet one day. The whole idea of belonging to a bright future with someone is so nice and I can only for it myself

27.  Hero – Regina Spektor

  From the best scene in 500 Days of Summer, this song plays when the overly romantic guy gets drunk and falls into depression after seeing the girl he has been creepily doting on with someone else she didn’t tell him about. For me, its just when Regina spektor keeps saying “cheating cheating cheating” that gets me.

28.  Dog Problems or Oceans – The Format

 The Format (aka early version of Fun.) has some bangers and these two are my fav from the album Dog Problems. Dog problems is about being cheated on and Oceans is about wishing you were on the west coast to see your loved one again. I couldn’t choose one so theres both.

29.  Baby mine – Dumbo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=calHOKucYMw

  My mom would sing this to me and my brother sometimes at bedtime when we were really young. Things were so much simpler and mental illness wasn’t even a thing I was worried about. I have a shitty relationship with my family now, and I really wish I could make things better without sacrificing who I am in the process.

30.  Need – Pinegrove

   If I could find a song 100% about me, it is absolutely this song. It goes into mental struggles, “wanting” things that are necessary, getting stuck inside in your mind, and its all in a begging and pleading tone. I really really fucking wish I didn’t ‘need’ things like social interaction or affirmation or mutual sexual attraction. If you have to listen to one, definitely make it this one.

  message me if you give any a listen. thanks

[yeahiwasintheshit]

theres probably some spoilers for many saints of newark, so like do with that what you will.

anyway, for the most part i pretty much liked it. the acting, set design, costumes, it was all done very well. but there were problems. it wasnt great. all while watching it, i was thinking, why are they making this? which isnt a great thing. i thought they were going to really push the black gangster angle, which would have been great, seeing some showdown between them, but nothing really happened with that. eventho they went back and forth to harold (leslie odom jrs character) a bunch of times. that whole story just seems to have fizzled out and went nowhere by the end. i thought we would find out that dickie was killed by him, but it ends up being jr that ordered his death because dickie laughed at jr when he fell down some stairs in the rain??? which was pretty lame. they also portrayed jr as some bumbling fool, which really doesnt fit too too well with how he is in the tv show. i mean jr wasnt particularly smart or clever on the show but they really pushed the comedic fool angle and it just didnt work.

they also put in some really dumb easter eggs. mainly the scene when johnny shot livia in the beehive hairdo, which felt really horned in, and unnecessary to the plot. they also reshot a scene we already saw in the show: the johnny arrest at the carnival with janice. why did we need to see that again? it really doesnt need to be there cause it doesnt have any real outcome on the plot, and thats cause the main story is the story of dickie moltisanti, christophers father, and tonys mentor, hero, whatever. the whole thing was just scenes, scenes, scenes kinda unconnected to each other. and i thought ok this is gonna all somehow come to gether at the end, and it really doesnt. i mean in some things it does, but for the most part, it was trying to cram too much in only 2 hours. like we were spoiled by the tv show, having almost a whole decade of tv to really get to know them all and this is just a little... unfocused.

a pared down story about how dickie influences tony, would have been a much tighter story. they tried, but so many other things kinda get in the way.

what id heard before the movie came out was that david chase was gonna make some kind of black gangster movie where the italians take a back seat to this new kind of story, and it was kind of a fuck you from him for being asked constantly if he was gonna make another sopranos. he does but keeps the italian gang / tony soprano stuff very minor. and i was really looking forward to seeing that! but we got this.

as it is, tonys role is pretty small, which is good, hes young and just orbiting the main story, which is how it should be. i didnt want a tony soprano teen highschool drama. but it seems like they wanted to have it both ways and have this black gangster storyline but also make it about dickie and tony and it all gets muddled. throw in the lame easter eggs and idk, it just isnt what i thought it would be.

but it was kinda cool to revist some of these people and see how it starts. i didnt realize silvio and pussy were so much older than tony. and yes the guy playing silvio overacting was pretty comical. vera farmiga as livia is really fantastic, and they color her character sympathetically and as what she prob was, which was someone who was neglected and really kinda abused by johnny, hes just a piece of shit, most of these people are.

[ofhalfwaya]

out of hair pins ( ft. nyc! ) for one, happy fourth of july!!!! and secondly, this is my final post about nyc! below the cut contains the ENTIRE story of my trip, from start to finish, including pictures and my full review of Bandstand with Jessica Lea Patty as Julia! i want to thank everyone for putting up with my excited posts yesterday, and thank you for coming on the trip with me as i experience one of the best days of my life! i’m officially back now, and have done all the replies i missed from yesterday. <3 hope you enjoy my story.

Our day began at 2:30am, with my sister, my brother, and myself all running on little to no sleep. We had a 3 hour drive to New Jersey first ( in which we accidentally saw a little bit of Philadelphia when my sister took a wrong turn in Pennsylvania ) to pick up my brother’s girlfriend, then we stopped at Chick Fil A for breakfast first, and then headed to go to Newark, NJ to get on the train to go into NYC.

For one, Newark is fucking hell. All of the roads are confusing as shit and we couldn’t find our parking garage for the longest time. Then, after about 30 minutes of driving around, we finally managed to find our parking garage. We got out, and from there, tried to find the train station and got so frustrated, we rode in an Uber for the first time in my life. ( I didn’t die and the guy was pretty chill. )

So, we finally get to the station! Awesome! And we finally buy our tickets! We go to the track to get on the train, only to find out that we almost got on the wrong train ( THANK YOU TO THOSE WORKERS WHO HELPED US ). We did end up finally getting on the train and heading into the city.

We arrived at Penn Station, and once you get off the train and you go into Penn Station, you can’t see the city yet, you still have to go up an escalator. So, we take a bathroom break and FINALLY, we go up the escalator to go into the city. And yes, I shed a few years once I got outside.

The picture above was the first view I had of the city. God, it was GORGEOUS. I fell in love.

So, our first stop was to the Bernard B. Jacobs theatre where Bandstand is to pick up our tickets for the show! We walked towards that direction, practically in awe of the entire city. I don’t believe anything really happened on the way there, but we ended up making it to W 45th street where the theatre is located. I look over to my right and there it is, the first Broadway theatre I had saw. (I could’ve seen others but I wasn’t paying attention much on the walk there because I was so excited.) I walked inside, and waited in line because these two people who got upset that Laura Osnes wasn’t performing tonight (I understand, but understudies are great), and then the lady at the will call gave me my tickets which I basically never took out of my hands. Below, I got this lovely picture.

I went outside to meet my sister and we ran across the street to the Music Box theatre (it’s honestly directly across the street from the Jacobs theatre) where we took pictures with the Tony Award Winning Ben Platt(TM) poster where everyone in the rush line looked at me like I was crazy (you would act the same way.)

After THAT, we decided to head towards Central Park, in which this Buddhist man stopped my sister and I, forced a bracelet on our hands and to make a donation. (It was weird, I don’t know, but my brother and his girlfriend walked ahead so they didn’t get stopped.) Here are some pictures I took on the way there.

The wonderful Gershwin Theatre, home of Wicked.

Look, I couldn’t help myself.

Then we made it to Central Park, where I have little photos of Central Park, but take some cute selfies.

So, from there, we decided to go eat some pizza for lunch (it was like 12pm by this point in the day)! We ate at Mariella Pizza, which was delicious!!!! The pizza slices were so huge and really really good. Then, after that, we decided to start walking to the Drama Book Shop, which is when, as we passed 48th street, I saw it.

The Walter Kerr Theatre.

If you don’t know, that’s the theatre where Amélie was located during it’s Broadway run.

And the posters were still up.

So, naturally, I screamed and ran over towards it and proceeded to take sad pictures with the posters.

Look, a lengthy fucking review of how incredible the show was. Assholes.

I got so many weird looks, but my pain needed to be felt.

After that entire fiasco, we did walk all the way to the Drama Book Shop, in which I geeked out because the Dear Evan Hansen book and score were already on sale. No Amélie though. Below are the things I purchased.

I bought the Fun Home graphic novel by Alison Bechdel!

And I also bought the script, A Taste of Sunrise by Suzan Zeder. I saw an INCREDIBLE high school perform this script about being deaf at SETC this year. You will actually be able to watch the performance here really soon, but for now, there’s only BOAL, which I ALSO saw and it’s 1000000% worth the watch. The students wrote and directed this show, and it’s about inequality in the US.

So, while I was checking out, the guy who was checking me out was making small talk with me, and I mentioned that this was my first time in NYC and he was so happy???? He was like “oh my god that’s amazing!“ and I told him that this place was one of my first stops because I really wanted to see it and he was like “That’s amazing, really, please don’t be a stranger and I really hope you enjoy your day” and we left but like he was so nice and he probably said more but I can’t remember.

So, then we were walking back towards where we came from because we had reservations at McGees Pub, the one that How I Met Your Mother was based off. When we saw the Hamilton theatre. There’s even a pop up shop that super fucking expensive ($50 for a crop top). I would’ve taken more pictures but there were a shit ton of people sitting on the steps where the cool silhouettes of Hamilton and Eliza are.

So, after that, we kept walking and ended up accidentally finding Times Square? So, here are pictures of that!

We DID go into Theatre Circle!!! But I wasn’t able to buy anything or really get pictures because we were running short on time. But, I went to go ask the guy if there was any Amélie merch left and he was having a really passive agreessive argument with the woman in front of me. He was like ‘take a joke, lady, i was honestly just joking’ and then as she was walking out and complaining about him, he was like ‘you really need to figure out whats wrong with you, m’am!’ needless to say, there wasn’t any merch there.

So we are walking towards the Pub when I see this vendor with framed broadway shows on it. And RIGHT THERE IN THE CORNER, there’s Amélie. $8 later, I owned that sucker.

So we went to McGees Pub, and it was overpriced and not that great, but it’s more of a tourist attraction than anything. I heard the drinks were great from my siblings? They sold HIMYM t-shirts and such. Our reservation was at 3:30pm and we ended up staying until around 5 to rest and have a nice dinner. We started walking towards Times Square again, and it had rained while we were in there. I have decided that rainy NYC is the best thing in the world. It’s so beautiful.

There were a bunch of Broadway theatre’s giving out stuff, and the one that I saw was Chicago, so I took a picture with her!!!

So, while we were on our way to Bandstand around 6, this group of guys starting doing a street show. And they were super coordinated, hilarious, and really looked like they knew what they were doing. One of them flipped over a kid, like, it was awesome. No video though. :( I suck at being a tourist sometimes.

HEY LOOK THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE

So, a story before we get into Bandstand. We were standing in line about 15 minutes before the doors were going to open, and I’m talking to my sister (my brother and his girlfriend didn’t get tickets) about how excited I am, and this guy passes by us and shouts “Enjoy the show!!” and I shouted back that it was my first, and he stopped, turned around and came over to give me a high five and ask us how we like NYC and stuff. He told us about Bandstand and how he saw it and thought it was better than most of the musicals on Broadway right now and such. His name is John, if that matters. Anyway, he shook our hands and went off into the world to go see Waitress.

So, the doors open. And it’s time to go inside. I walk into the theatre and held back tears all until I sat in my seat and saw this view.

Our seats were PERFECT. And I was look at a Broadway stage in a Broadway theatre and I just busted into tears. My sister was laughing (not in a bad way, she was excited) and we sat there and waited for the show to start, basically.

ALRIGHT WHAT YOU GUYS ACTUALLY READ THIS POST FOR: THE BANDSTAND REVIEW. ( I will hopefully not spoil too much, but it is a review so caution ahead. ) I also didn’t listen to the cast album before going, so everything was new.

Holy fucking shit. I don’t even know where to begin?

For one, the opening number (Just Like It Was Before) and Donny Novitski are fucking incredible live. The choreography was amazing, and the liGHTING HOLY FUCKING SH I T THE LIGHTING OKAY I CANT EXPRESS HOW AMAZING THE LIGHTING FOR THIS SHOW IS.

I really enjoyed I Know A Guy, because it was a clever way to introduce all the main characters of the show.

The shit with Wayne (trombone player) and the gun (that whole scene) was terrifying because I understood what it was trying to mean and it made me really scared for his character.

THE FIRST SONG THEY ALL PLAY THE INSTRUMENTS WITH BLEW THE ROOF OFF OF THE HOUSE. IM A TRUMPET PLAYER AND HOLY SHIT THAT WAS GOOD..

Alright, this is definitely what you guys are waiting for: Jessica Lea Patty was honestly incredible. I have to admit that she was really shaky for the first couple of songs, especially those solos. But I’m telling you, the second she got to Love Will Come And Find Me Again, she was solid. Her vocals were so impressive and incredible and her acting is A+++++

OKAY SO GOING BACKWARDS BEFORE LOVE WILL COME AND FIND ME AGAIN

THERE’S A LIGHITNG CUE WHEN HE IS RIGHTING THE SONG

HES ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE STAGE

AND THERES THIS LIGHT CUE THAT IS LIKE UPSTAGE LEFT AND ITS WHITE

AND A BUNCH OF SOLDIERS COME OUT AND THEY ARE SLOUCHED OVER, PUSHING HIS PIANO INTO THE LIGHT WHILE HE WRITES THIS SONG

I WAS

SOBBING

SO BADLY

Now, let me note: up until this point in show, I was really enjoying the show. It was really good and incredible, but nothing had captured me yet. Like, how to I explain it. You know there’s always that one song when you decide, YES THIS IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE HOLY SHIT IM GONNA DIE.

That was Right This Way for me.

Not even just the song, everything leading up to it. The emotions were running so high and everything was so intense. The guy who is telling them about the preliminary and how they have to pay for it all says something that hits them really hard, and for a split second, the guys are in blue spots, a gunshot goes off, and it’s right back to how it was. LEGIT I STOPPED BREATHING FOR THAT ENTIRE MOMENT. It was such a intense moment I couldnt do it. Right before the drum starts, there a loud explosion sound and it goes from the whole stage being lit up to 6 blue spotlights that are on the veterans, and my heart stopped. Corey Cott is on the ground, and his emotion was so real and genuine, and the faces of the other guys in the band looked so tense with flashbacks that I started crying simply because of that quick change from person to soldier.

then the drums start.

and Corey starts singing, tears streaming down his face, his entire body shaking and you can just see it in his eyes how badly he is dreaming of it and the other guys are listening and they understand and im crying because it all feels so real and genuine and i was so invested that when my sister turned to me to say something, she didn’t because she saw my face.

and while the guys are all singing about this, Jessica Lea Patty is just watching and learning so much and you can see it in her eyes and she was so incredible.

and then they make a line and Jessica isn’t in the line yet, but they leave a spot for her, and then she steps up and then the spoTS ARE ON THEM AND ITS SO GORGEOUS AND COREY NAILED THAT LAST NOTE AND blackout.

I turned to my sister and was like, “Theres not way I’m not buying a t-shirt.” so during intermission, i went, bought a t-shirt, and put it on over my shirt in theatre (and then took the shirt underneath of it off like a pro).

alright oKAY ACT TWO

like i don’t have any specifics to say about the beginning bc i mean it was incredible and jessica was doing so so so good

then the scene where Julia finds out about Michael

Corey Cott was sobbing, like you heard him sob and the entire audience was silent and his voice was the only thing in the theatre and i cant okay

BTW I HAVENT SAID MUCH ABOUT THE GUYS BUT THEY WERE FUCKING GREAT AND PERFECT

Also Beth Leavel?????? YOU’RE AMAZING

Okay so before the show, they guy John told us to remember the song in front of the door

This is Life is that song. Where Julia and Donny are standing in front of her hotel room door in NYC and it’s so teNSE AND THERS SO MUCH LOVE AND THEY’RE NOSE TO NOSE

btw after she sings ‘shake on it’ he goes to shake her hand and pulls her in bC YES

so we get to the contest and they decide to sing Welcome Home the original way.

so they introduce them, the curtain rises, and it’s silent

the entire theatre just goes silent. no one moves and no one speaks

then Donny speeds up the song and they start singing it and they’re all sobbing and i’m sobbing and the crowd goes NUTS. i’m pretty sure we didn’t stop clapping for 2 minutes.

and like the entire ending was incredible and they were amazing and they did so good and they got a standing ovation and it was so incredible

ALRIGHT STAGE DOOR STUFF

so no, i didn’t get any pictures bc i really didn’t wanna make them stay out later than they need to

FOR ONE the family next to me was hilarious. their dad was a typical white dad and was making dad jokes and embarrassing his two daughters and i was living. i made friends and we all talked about how Ben Platt didn’t deserve shitty people on Twitter giving him a hard time

so the first person who came out was the JOEY PERO and he started at the other side which was chill. and then James Nathan Hopkins ( he played Jimmy ) came out!!! and he signed my playbill and told me that he loved my shirt ( I had my Bandstand shirt on ) and to have a happy fourth of the july. BY THE WAY HE RODE HIS BIKE AND PARKED IT AT THE STAGE DOOR AND WE GOT TO WATCH HIM LEAVE ON HIS BIKE. Then Joey Pero came over and I told him that I’m a trumpet player and he was like “REALLY ISN’T IT THE GREATEST INSTRUMENT” and I was like YEAH DUH and it was fucking awesome. Drew McVety ( Oliver ) also came out and he was super chill!! Kevyn Morrow also came out and signed!! THEN JESSICA LEA PATTY CAME OVER AND she didn’t have a sharpie so I tried to give her mind but it didn’t work :( and then she got a gold one, but she never signed my playbill. Thankfully, the family next to me helped me get her attention and she came back over to sign it.

PAUSING BC THATS WHEN BEN PLATT CAME OUT OF THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE AND I SAW HIM FROM ACROSS THE STREET AND HE DID HIS NOSE CRINKLE it was the best moment

but not better than Corey Cott coming out of those doors

I was like the second person he signed, and I automatically was like, “you were incredible this was the perfect first broadway show” and he looked up and his eyes were wide like, “this is your first show?” and i nodded and he was like, “i’m really glad you enjoyed it!” and i told him to have a happy fourth of july, and he seemed surprised and was like, “have a happy fourth!“

then i had to leave bc my siblings were tired but i would’ve stayed out there all night

BUT I ONLY REALLY HAVE ONE PICTURE OF NYC AT NIGHT BC MY PHONE WAS DYING SO HERE

And the final picture, of me in my Bandstand shirt, with my signed playbill. <3 That was a whirlwind.

[smuttyfairy]

Admin Smuttyfairy @ BTS WINGS TOUR CONCERT IN NEWARK DAY 2

Hello peoples! Here is my very much somewhat long ass post on the concert I attended! I apologize for such a late post of this but I’ve just been so wiped out and tired since then. 

This is written over the span of the past few days since the concert so the entire thing is a little rough and much of a blur. Beware of some nonsense and small grammar errors here and there.

I will also have a list of tips for anyone who needs it (towards the bottom)!

Okay so while I have this fresh on my mind, I’ll go ahead and explain and kind of story-tell the day and everything.

So, starting Thursday night we heard that the Friday concert people were already camping out. So we kind of freaked a little and decided to go extreme but not too crazy extreme. Get what I mean?

So, we woke up at 5AM, literally rolled out of our pajamas and called and UBER to take us to prudential center. To make things worse, we all went to bed around 12-1AM (me being last to sleep of course), and at some point in the night wake up to pee at 3:30AM and couldn’t go back to sleep. SO I WAS BASICALLY RUNNING ON 2 & HALF HOURS RIP ME GUYS.

To makes matters just a tad bit worse we didn’t really eat a full meal before we left and before attending the actual concert. B r o. I was dying the whole day.

ANYWAY BACK TO 5-6AM STAKE OUT. Powerhouse was giving wristbands to GA for entrance into the center at 11AM. We get to the place and we oh roughly estimate there’s about 150-200 fans already out?? So we felt pretty good about our place in terms of getting into the concert venue itself. LORD THE COLD. I thought I was going to lose my mind. My toes were frozen, at one point I couldn’t feel my feet and man just being in the cold hurts. BUT WE SURVIVED. WE DID IT. THE WHOLE 5-6 HOUR WAIT. I say 5-6 hour wait because at 11AM they started distributing the wristbands in a careful order so it took waaaaay longer than I thought it should have. We ended up leaving the venue to go back to our hotel to get ready for the actual concert maybe around 12-1:30??? And we had to get back by 3PM since Admin Wangfairy and our other friend had soundcheck.

So we split up, Admin Kookfairy and another friend of ours, we attempt to find merch but of course it’s all sold out (cries af) except for towels and the 2nd version BTS lightsticks. I also wanted to try out the BTS photobook but the line was sooosoosoossosooooooo long and we had to get in line for our GA access at 5-530PM (honestly can’t remember) Bc they wanted us in our numbered ordered and of course that was difficult af.

Anyway, 5:30PM or so rolls on and the four of us booked (but not really Bc security didn’t want us to run) it as soon as we got scanned in and everything. Admin Wangfairy was in P1 and our other friend and myself were in P2.

The wait was long but doable. I met a few nice people there and even sat and took a rest for my feet and legs for a bit since I was practically low on energy and everything. I was actually ready to just pass tf out when I sat down tho hahaha. RIP. I was really tired y'all.

Anyway, our friend and I were in the middle, pretty somewhat decently close to the stage but not close up to be noticed or touched. MVs were playing and the fans would sing along and scream and sing fanchants while the stadium slowly filled up.

By 7:30 the music was blasted much louder than before and then finally after the last MV played, the intro VCR played. BRO THAT WAS A LIT INTRO VCR THO.

Anyway, after the VCR the boys come up and ohhhhh my godddd. I’ve been to a few other KPOP concerts before but I’ve never firsthand experienced being in a GA PIT standing. B R O. ITS AS WILD AS EVERYONE SAYS. Like if you’re not by the barricade/rails near the stage then your kinda fucked, especially if you’re in the mush of the inner crowd. As soon as BTS dropped into the scene I was being pushed all over, forward and side to side oh my godddd. My position itself shifted multiple times. I even lost my friend and got worried Bc she’s such a smol.

Another thing, I’m flipping short y'all and some people were tol or had their phones up. Like I couldn’t see the main stage BTS performed on :/ it was disappointing for me :( and like I already hadn’t eaten anything nor drunk enough water throughout the day like I’m supposed to and I had to deal with people shoving and pushing in the crowd with sweat and our bodies touching. It was very gross and grimey and damn I was a sweating mess.

OK SO. Of course the first song that is performed is Not Today and ohhh my god when the curtain dropped and the music played and the dramatic and rude ass sexual gotmefeelingsometypeofwaybutimstillhypeaf look was showed on the screens shiittttt I couldn’t even believe I was seeing BTS in the golden af flesh. LEGIT THEY ARE ALL MORE BEAUTIFUL IN PERSON COMPARED TO WHAT YOU SEE THROUGH PICTURES AND FANCAMS (It was the same for EXO & GOT7 too yall). OK BACK TO NOT TODAY. I COULDNT BELIEVE MY EYES. THEY WERE SO TAN, SO GLIMMERING AND SHINING AND REAL??? And ohhhh my god. Y'all know I’m a huge hoe for Jungkook but god dAmn Taehyung with the headband and just the way he LoOkEd overall IT HAD ME FEELING SOME TYPE OF WAY (Im starting go relive my tae feels can y'all tell).

I can’t remember the exact order of the songs they performed because it really went by so fast even though the entire concert was 2 and a half hours. I recorded a few performances and I took a couple (maybe many) pics of Jungkook towards the end when he was standing still (I’ll upload these when I get home). Nonetheless, I definitely enjoyed and partied it up with the crowd when I was recording. I really took in the performances and tried to get a good glimpse of the boys but they were on the main stage so it was difficult to see especially when people were in front of me and had their army bombs and cameras up in the air (I was on my toes too).

When Jungkook’s solo stage came on I seriously stopped breathing Bc *sniff* THATS BABE YALL. His voice and beauty and moves and just everything is so unreal he has so much stamina and he’s so built, his thighs are as thick we all see them in pics and just oh. My. God. Jeon Jungkook is a golden beauty and I swear I’ve never been so in love with an idol like this. AND BOOOOIIIII he was sweating SO MUCH. HE SWEAT TF OUT OF HIS SHIRT YOU COULD SEE HIS CHEST THROUGH THE SWEAT ON HIS SHIRT. Y'all know I was screaming my head off.

The next solo stage was Jiminnieboo and omfggg. Listen yall, it was sin af. The lights were red and I swear his top was so low you could see a pec if he bent over a bit. You think suffering through the screen of watching his fancams and the short film of Lie was bad? LORDDDDD. JUST LISTENING TO IT AND WATCHING IT ON THE BIG SCREEN LIVE AND SEEING FROM THE TIPS OF MY TOES ABOVE THE TALL ASS STAGE WAS EVEN WORSE. Never have I ever wanted to suffer so much more by watching this performance. And watching him just dance is so hot like omfg it was great, I love not breathing air and holy shit when he put the blindfold on, I lost my shit and wanted to fling myself in a pit of fire as I’m sure everyone else in the stadium did too. I’m sure at this point I was so focused on just trying to suffer I ended up gawking and staring up at the screen with drool running down the corner of my mouth.

The next solo stage was Yoongs’ and holy jesus Christ when his VCR came on I was so shook af???? LIKE THE VCR IDK MAN??? IT WAS SO ATTRACTIVE JUST SEEING HIS FACE AND SHIT BEING ANGSTY AND HOT AND JUST BEING YOONGI???? LIKE IDK MAN THIS ERA WITH THE BLACK HAIR KINDA FUCKS ME UP???? BUT ANYWAY. Can u believe he rose from the stage leaning all cool and shit against the piano. LIKE B O I YESSSS. And then he drops the first line from his song and suddenly all the screaming you hear comes to a halt? Was that just my mind doing that? :’) His stage was beautiful yall…I can’t believe I heard and watched Min Yoongi perform his solo song :’) Unfortunately it was performed on the main stage so, the struggle was real yall.

After that, MY FAV SONG COMES ON YALL. L O S T. THE BOYS ROSE FROM THE EXTENDED STAGE IN FRONT OF P2. HOLY SHIT THE CROWD WAS WILDT AF AND THERE WAS SO MUCH SHOVING AND PUSHING AT THIS TIME IT WAS FLIPPING ANNOYING AND CRAZY.

But anyway, below is a pic of how close I was :’)

I couldn’t believe I was seeing this stage so close?? And I couldn’t stop looking at Jungkook holy cow he was just so attractive man :’) And the choreo for this song is so beautiful god I can’t even explain just how enticing this performance was for me.

I’m finishing writing this two days later so my memory at this point is a blur RIP ME (I fell asleep when I started writing this and it was hours right after the concert and we spent the whole day in NYC so again couldn’t finish this). I think Namjoon was next. But man…his song Reflection. IT MAKES ME SO EMO. As soon as it dropped I got goosebumps and I just wanted to jump a cliff tbh. Whenever his lyrics “I wish I could love myself” came on, the crowd yelled “We love you” which I wasn’t expecting at all to be that loud but mannnn CHILLS AF.

The next solo stage I believe was Tae’s? I recorded this one even though he performed on the main stage but I captured the video screen! His voice is so great guys, I can’t believe the range he’s capable of :’) he’s not Jungkook or Jimin but who tf says he can’t sing bc he is Kim fucking Taehyung and he is a beautiful ass vocalist :’) how can his voice be as deep as the sea but reach the height of the empire state building?!! TT His stage was so emo, and so beautiful and emotional and jfiewaougfjawe I can’t even. I REALLY love this song too TT ARE YOU CALLING ME A SINNER

The next performance is Hobi’s!! HEY MAMAFIEOFJOFA. CAN I JUST SAY W O W. You know this shit was lit and just breath taking because this boy is such a cute sunshiny fluff ball and he’s over here performing this song about his mom :’) And even though it seems like the song is very pop and happy, there’s like that seemingly sad tone to it?? AM I MAKING ANY SENSE???? But ugh…the background screen would play clips of his past from the old eras, predebut and baby pics…my god it was just emotional to see it all there while he’s performing :’) And his energy and vocality is TT ughghhgg the stage was GREAT MAN THE STAGE WAS GREAT //SOBS// HELLO MAMA TTTTTTTTTTTT

After that is of course mama Jin :’) ughhhh this song guys :’) it emotionally wrecks me. It was just so beautiful and breathtaking to watch Jin perform this and hearing all the fans quiet down but also sing along to the song with him :’) I was so shocked that the fans were singing so loudly man and I just felt so proud and my heart clenched bc I’m pretty sure by the end of his performance Jin was on the brink of tears :’) I just felt so glad that we were able to move him in that way, even if it were just a little.

After Jin’s perf was of course C Y P H E RRRRRR WOOOOOO B RO THAT STAGE WAS L I T. LEMME TELL YOU MAN. THEY ARE RAP GODS RAP KINGS ALL SUPED UP IN THAT VELVETY DRAPE LIKE Y E S STEP ON ME???? The crowd was of course wild and jesus pit was crazy because rap line performed this on the extended stage so my ass was getting pushed all over :’) ESPECIALLY DURING FIRE MY GOD IT WAS SO ANNOYING I CANT STRESS THAT ENOUGH. But still, FIYAAAAAA OH AYE OHHHFEWAOIF. When all of the boys stepped out in those red velvet blazers holy Christ man…THEY LOOK LIKE FUCKCING KINGS??? I mean they are tbh!! After that they performed their older singles and performed 21st century girl and of course that was lit :’) I enjoyed myself here and really just hyped it up and sang along and everything!

After the ment, the next song is Boy Meets Evil. This was performed on the main stage I believe? I remember struggling to see it on stage so it must have been. After that is BST of course and all our asses get wrecked as soon as the instrumental for it drops and the boys come out on stage and get into position and then BAM. PIDDAMNUNMUL *cue moment of self black out bc I cant remember shit so I must have suffered so bad I lost my memory* But seriously though, the fanchants and fans just screaming and singing along to this song was amazing and it just felt really nice :’)

After that they did another ment and said they’d perform one last song? I think it was this one where they said it??? Or was it before BST? O_O okay well, WINGS started playing and the boys danced all over and got really hyped and interreacted with the crowd and everything! They had a dance battle during the dance break part before Hobi’s rap which was a blessing to watch on the extended stage. And then after that they all crouched in front of the camera as Hobi rapped his part and all hyped it up together and man it was a great performance.

I can’t actually remember when or where they said they were going to perform one last song but after chanting BTS a VCR came on and it was a deep one for sure. A montage of their older mvs (the most recent ones from HYYH era I think). I kinda want to watch this again because there’s a quote I saw there that I really liked TT but it was really moving bc one boy = 7 hearts?(something like that) :’)

After that, 2!3! Hoping for better days starts which I think I remember most of the fans sang along to! And then the finally song they performed was Spring Day and of course that was beautiful. I think at this point I was so wiped out the only thing I did was take it all in before the concert ended and just yelled the fanchants and sang along to the song.

Before I knew, the boys said their thanks and goodbyes and then the concert was over and the credits started rolling and the lights were back on and the boys were gone :’)

While this is not the first concert I’ve been to, I’d like to think that this was one of the best ones yet even though I suffered and stressed in pit. Eventually I found my smol friend and we met up with our other two and left the building and off to our hotel.

Anyway, that was my experience! If I had finished it the first day I started working on this it would have probably been a little more detailed so I apologize again for that :’) I hope my experience will hype you guys up for your concert day if you are attending!

- - -TIPS - - -

-Definitely get a lot of rest before the concert date starts. Eat and hydrate very well beforehand just in case you don’t have time or can’t during the day of.

-If you plan on camping out and/or staying out overnight, please make sure to check the weather and be safe and aware of your surroundings if you’re unfamiliar with the area. Also make sure to bring snacks (preferably fruit or granola bars) and water (also, try to keep it clean and don’t be one of those assholes who leave their trash on the ground and scattered all over for the wind to make an even bigger mess). Also if it’s cold af, bringing blankets and hand warmers will help to keep you warm and somehow survive.

-if you’re going alone and you’re worried about meeting people and making friends: don’t be afraid! The people around you are nice (or should be) and they are just as hyped to see BTS perform just as you are! Start a convo and ask where they’re from and who’s their bias of the group and what’s a favorite song they can’t wait to watch be performed!

-if you’re standing in pit: if you get offered a banner I would suggest you either decline it bc you won’t have the hands to hold it OR gladly take it and roll it and keep it in your bag just to store it there because when you’re in pit you will most likely only care about the performance and wanting to try and record it OR may want to just enjoy yourself without the obstruction of any other object but your phone and a bts bomb lightstick in your hands. That’s how it was for everyone in pit at my concert day.

-if you plan on buying merch: bring a bag or decent sized backpack to store your merch in! You want to try and keep from holding too many things in your hands during the concert and this will prevent you from losing things.

-the photo booth: if you plan on using the photo booth, it should be outside the venue somewhere nearby. How it works is by luck and randomness. Depending on the venue I think, you will answer a survey and receive a photocard collage of BTS. A box will be nearby and you will be given the chance to draw from the box for a chance at the photo booth. If you draw an orange ball, you will get to use the photo booth. If you do not get the orange ball, you will have to step out y fortunately :/ (I’m not sure if they let you redo it all over a second time tho). The line for this gets ridiculous.

-if you’re short and you’re standing in pit, I would suggest y'all wear something comfy for the heat (wear deodorant too) and possibly heels or platforms or boots with tall heels so you can see just above the stage and above the heads of the people around you. I was regretting I didn’t bring the tall heels I had Bc I’m sure I would have enjoyed the concert much better. :’)

-if you have signs or fanart you want to show the boys, please be aware of the people behind you and do not obstruct their view. It’s rude and unfair to them so if you’re going to do it, do it for a short time.

-what you do and how you spend your time at the concert is all on you in terms of recording and taking pictures, however I recommend you guys to enjoy the concert as best as you can and try to really embed it into your memory 💕

Good luck and have fun!

[funnefatale]

what mcu characters do you like other than Thor and Valkyrie?

Okay, so MCU!Peter is just Miles, but I still think he's adorable and rewatching HoCo and reading a million petermj fics really helped me when I was having bad anxiety attacks last year (I even got 5k into an MJ fic before I quit writing it) Soni have a soft spot for Peter and MJ. But also petermj is just thorkyrie in high school so... (Also I really like Ned.)

Of course there's Shuri and Nakia and Okoye in Black Panther. I expected to love Killmonger more than I did, but the movie literally had to go out of its way to make him do shit that was plain Wrong (killing his girlfriend, attacking old elders, wanting imperialism) so that we couldn't cheer for him. I wish they had given him more of a Loki or something. (Also, making a movie called Black Panther so anti revolution still makes me kinda uncomfortable.)

I genuinely enjoy the Ant-Man movies, which I 100000% didn't expect because who the fuck cares about ant man? but Paul Rudd just makes it so cute and the movies don't take themselves serious at all, which is refreshing after the six million Civil Wars. Plus, the Scott and Cassie (and really the whole family) is so fucking cute.

I like Sam despite Anthony Mackie sticking his foot in his mouth and I wish he was getting a solo Captain America movie instead of a series because I'm not paying for that Disney channel, I don't care.

I'm bitter about everything Captain Marvel related so I can't even say Monica or Maria, but I am grateful Fury got more background stuff because they've been wasting SLJ for too many movies.

(Sidenote: I think Kamala is gonna pop up in Spider-Man FFH first, not Captain Marvel 2. They filmed scenes at an airport and had signs for Newark, not JFK, and that has to mean something.)

There's some characters that I like in only specific movies (Nat and Steve in CATWS, Tony in IM3, Bruce in Ragnarok, etc.) but I'm not sure those count because that was more of a reflection of the particular movie than the actual character.

But you're not wrong to assume I mostly care about Thor and Valkyrie. Thor was my favorite back when the first movies came out. Everyone was talking about Captain America and Iron Man and arguing over which was better and I was just sitting there like "I like Thor." I was partial to Sif and definitely preferred her to Jane (I just couldn't get past the lack of chemistry) but Valkyrie was definitely a game changer. Er, enhancer? Whatever. Thorkyrie owns my bisexual soul and I own that.

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Don't know what to do with myself. via /r/selfimprovement

Don't know what to do with myself.

Hi. I'm 21 and still in community college, but I did get my provisional admission to this university I wanted to transfer to. I work as a runner at Din Tai Fung and I'm supposed to make bank, but I don't really know yet because I'm a new employee. Headtitle question at the bottom

I think I've lived an okay-ish life, kind of. story time, skip to the end if you dont wanna read it I come from a Korean family, can't say I remember much of my childhood except mostly being beaten and yelled at. There were good times too, but they usually ended prettily shittily. Moved around a bunch, went to a lot of schools. I've dealt with a lot of abusive stuff from both parents, but I'm not going to talk about my mom because things have gotten better and she's still here for me(?). For some extreme stuff- my dad broke my brothers toes in elementary school. In my senior year, he threatened me at knifepoint and forced it into my hands and told me to stab my brother or he would stab me. Beatings from him were pretty bad, and it's not just belts and sticks bad. I played co-ed baseball in 5th grade, so bam, there was that too. He liked to throw chairs and literally flip tables when he was angry (hes a private construction worker, so he's pretty strong). Broke a lot of his phones throwing them at us, the wall, the floor, whatever. Ive had a lot of problems with my social affairs in highschool- anxiety, being cold, being short tempered, aggressive, violent, sharp tongued. I started warming up in senior year because of this girl I dated, which was a pretty big deal because gays are not allowed in this household. And well, im bi but its the same thing to them. Can't say that went too well, because my brother found out and blackmailed me in the situation we were living in. But who cares, because siblings hate each other right? Anyways, broke up with her, broke her heart, treated her poorly and whatever two years later we made up and was able to be friends again. Back to dad- he was usually never around for things like elementary grad, middle school grad, and highschool- my mom made him come, but he sure didn't seem happy about it. In highschool, he only laid down on his phone playi ng his shitty phone games. Doesnt talk to me, doesnt talk to my brother, doesnt talk to my mom. His routine: wake up, go to work, come home, phone games, eat, phone games, sleep. If you try to talk to him, he ignores you. If you press it, he'll give you some boring answer like "go away already".

Anywho, that abusive fuck was caught cheating. Had an affair with a client's sister. Sold the house we lived in, mom moved to Newark, him to San Leandro. Mom didnt want to deal with me, so I got the boot and lived wjth acquaintances in Hayward. Couldnt afford it, so mom told me to move to San Leandro with him. I moved in with my best friend helping me and we saw the evidence. Bambam, hello lady clothing and shit. I went apeshit nuts and he tried to convince me, then threatened that I would be in big trouble if i said anything. (Parents were separated but not divorced). Alright, ill keep my big mouth shut.

I worked for his "girlfriend" at her cafe in Berkeley. Why? Well, it was easy money and i needed it to keep up with my shitty coping habits- partying and party favors, mostly e. You dont have to deal with stress if youre always out partying.

Anywho, fast forward, skip a lot of details. Mom gets a phone call one day from mutual acquaintance saying dad is sick and asks her to bring him some food. Alright. So she does because she still cares, and finds out the truth. Calls me and demands me to come right now and unlock the door- note that this is a 40 minute drive. By the time i get there, theres hella police and a window is broken and theres hella shit going on. Things settled down but being my immature ass i scream at my parents for both being immature, and they shouldve just cut things clean. I yell at my dad for being a fuckhead and cheating, you didnt raise a liar but you are one. I yell at my mom for being irresponsible and breaking things. Police grabs my shoulder but i swipe it off and bam. Im on the floor, face into concrete, chipped teeth and i cant even see where my dog is. Tbh i was more worried that he ran off because he was still a puppy and i was holding him during this whole ordeal. My glasses got knocked off my face when those two officers fucking bodyslammed me into the ground. I'm 5ft4, i weighed like 130 at this time but im just a legit smol asian girl.

What happened next? Well yknow, i got arrested and sent to jail for assaulting a police officer, nbd. Sat there for a few hours, listening to some psycho making weird noises. Finally get some call saying that my mom was waiting for me, and she bailed me out. She was crying a lot and told me that my dad didnt even bat an eye as they took me away, that he smiled and tried to fix his goddamn broken window. I believe it too, because I saw that shitty smirk on his face when i got to the scene. My mom has a bit of an uncontrollable temper so she looks psycho when the other person was the wack one. This was in January 2017.

Skip forward to the next police thing. June 2017. My mom demands that i pack all my shit and move back, and she wants to go with me. I plead no, but what am i gonna do against her? Alright, we drive and she starts saying stuff about lying and calls the bitch a slut and homewrecker and stuff, dad gets up to stand inbetween and stuff. Tells her to move than basically shoves her across the living room towards the door. **insert hysteria and bam again, screaming and each other, his hands on her, me trying to squeeze my body in between them and get his hands off of her. Doesnt really work cos he turns on me, hits me away and goes back to beat her. My screaming doesnt really help either, but i try what I can to claw his arms off of her. Nooooo, bad idea, but better me than her. He grabs me and my head is locked into his elbow so I bite down, arm. Baaaad idea again, but its in self defense imo. Im just trying to help my mom. He p much beats me up into a pulp her, grabs my shirt all the way up and yikes thats embarassing. The struggle goes on and eventually its calm again because slutface is like "honey staph"- note: only words and no actions to get close, buuuut, it works. Me and mom move to my room and start removing all my weebshit from the walls. Mom is muttering and saying a bunch of bs for him to hear and he storms into the room because hes fucking triggered and start the violence again. Oh but this is where i do the fun thing- i lunge myself at him so im like on top of him but holy shit, he legit pulls me off of him and throws me against the wall cabinets, and two hand chokes me, with his knees on my chest. Mom starts screaming at him, claws his face and soon the police are here and shit. Bitch called the police, and this is where it gets more fucked up. I legally live here, its on my license. I came back to move out, so its okay for me to be here, because i came to pack my stuff and take whats mine. So why exactly did the police not believe me? Why did my mom get arrested for putting dumb scratches on his face when he beat us, with pictures - that day- to prove that he inflicted more wounds on us. We were just defending ourselves. He put his hands on us first. Anyways, that starts my worries cos im like. Im 20, but idk what to do. How do i find money to bail my mom out? How do i even do that in the first place? But i managed.

Anywho skip forward, jackass is no longer in my life, tho i have to deal with him through my brother from time to time. Parents officially divorced Feb 2018. I've lived with my mom, she bought a cafeteria for a little bit so I worked there. Things were really hard because my mom had a lot of pent up anger that she would take out on me. My brother moved out because he went to university so he didnt really have to deal with much. Im also the older child, so bam. Anyways, we fought a lot. A LOT LOT. Like apeshit crazylot. I took a lot of beatings. It was like the weekend before Christmas of 2017 where a took a huge beating and ran away from my problems by going to my now-ex's house. He offered me to move in with him and his family, so I did. I had the choice of going back to my moms lifestyle and attempt to make up, or trying to live a different life. I lived with him from like Christmas to March 2018. We started having a lot of problems because he regret inviting me, he wasnt ready to give up his personal space and I was done babysitting someone who was older than me. Doing his laundry, doing his dishes, cleaning his room. I was done with being bored, never going out, being ignored while he did the same thing my dad did. Sit on his phone and not speak a word. Yeah, there were good times too, but they seem so fleeting when it seeps in with your own personal trauma of being ignored. Btw- when i moved to his place, my brother moved back home to fill the gap, but my brother is better with dealing with my mom and she doesnt blow up at him.

After I moved back, it was better. Yeah, shit went down sometimes but i guess overall it was better? My mom cried a lot. I would hear her talk on the phone with her family members in Korea and cry about how she was tired of everything and didn't want to do it anymore. I know exactly how that feels. Well, in the later months of 2018, we got along better and havent really had those blowups. I tried my best to stay home more instead of going out at night because she hated it. I tried to be nicer to her and more compromising. She's in Korea rn and things suck. During the whole parents thing, it sucks to feel like your parents are passing you to each other likea toy they dont want. It sucks to not really feel familial love growing up, where mom is just doing things because shes supposed to and dad just flat out pretends you dont exist. It sucks that it takes two years of partying, drugs and cons to find out

Submitted October 31, 2018 at 10:33AM by xfirelily via reddit https://ift.tt/2CRsVBn

[god-hunter]

Secret Empire #4

Alright guys!  This is where things actually turned around for me in this event, believe it or not. [For now].

So... If you can’t tell who that is on the cover with Iron Man and Steve, it’s Ultron toting a very familiar Hank Pym half-face.  It’s interesting and different, but why is he there?  And where has he been all this time?

The answer amazed me, and I actually found this issue to be brilliant.

This issue is more expositional and conversational than anything, but the dialogue was so juicy and enthralling that I thoroughly enjoyed it.

There are some major developments that occurred too.  You get to see Black Widow teach her Red Room camp kids a lesson, and the overall deal is the great cosmic cube fragment hunt.

So without further adieu, let’s dive into this.

[SPOILERS]

We start with Mysterious Rogers still wandering in the woods.  He gets triple teamed by a few random villains in masks that I don’t recognize.  But then he finds help in two strangers.  A grown black and white man that are reminiscent of Sam Wilson and Bucky.

[But wait...  How is that...?  This is yet to be explained.]

Similar to Steve, they don’t really know why they’re there, but they were more than happy to help him.

Steve decides to join them in setting up a camp when the reminiscent Sam tells him that they could all use friends.

Then, in Baltimore we get a follow up on The Punisher.  Kraken visited him and tried to chew him out for not reporting back with any intel on what he found.  [Perhaps, that’s a good thing?]

“I don’t answer to you, Kraken.”

“What about me, then?”  A hologram of Cap gets in the room.

Frank instantly salutes and fesses up.  “...I came close in Newark, brought home solid intel.  We’ll have her in our sights soon.”

[So I guess that means that Boomerang hid Maria Hill long enough for her to escape or something...]

Then we cut to Black Widow who is fucking up a random Hydra goon tied to a chair.  The kids can’t take it.  They feel for the lackey.  He isn’t much older than them.  And it seems that he clearly doesn’t have the information that she’s looking for.  But she is insistent.  She tells them there is no other way.  

Nadia Pym insists that she stop hard enough for the goon to reveal that he just worked in the mess hall.

This made Black Widow even more vindicated.  “Yes, Nadia-- The Mess Hall at the Southern Virginia Hydra Installation...  The same one whose staff has been charged with catering the Rebuilding Ceremony at the Capitol.  He was given a tour of the site--logistics were discussed...”

The long-short of it is that Riri steps in with a plan of her own to let him go and use a quick memory wipe thing so that he could forget about this traumatic event.

He thanks her, and Widow actually entertains this for 3 seconds.

Then once his foot is untied, he immediately goes for his dagger and comes after her.  “HAIL HYDRA!”

He is shot without warning.

The kids are Shocked!  That could’ve been it.

“Wonderful. Now we have to switch Motels.”  Black Widow says as she walks away from her pack.

[What’s important about this scene is that her kids are naive.  They’re children.  And Spencer is really giving them firsthand experience that this Super Hero gig has some hard calls to make sometimes.  Do they have it in them to take on this War...?]

Cap continues his conversation with The Punisher as we see Nat and her pack get in a van.  He basically needs Frank to trail Nat, just in case things get rough.

But then we dive into the focus of our issue.  This is where things really wake up for me.

Our Underground team of Tony, Sam, Hercules, Ant Man, Quicksilver and Bobbi fly to Alaska.  Which is established by Tony A.I that this is Ultron Territory.

“They’re calling them the Ultronic Territories... Basically, not long before the Planetary Defense Shield went up, Ultron returned from the stars.  But instead of trying to destroy the World... he set up shop in a remote bit of Alaska and started building cities... full of more Ultrons.”

[Ooooh man.  Something way bigger is going on here!  This I could get behind.]

For the next set of panels, we get to see Tony A.I and Steve plan the same thing.  They’re both aiming to go to the same place at the same time for the same reason.  They want that Cosmic Cube Fragment and they need it now.

Then we get to see Ultron, who is wearing half of Hank’s face get to excited that they’re all coming to visit him.  He talks to Jarvis about it who tells them that they’ve arrived.

He gets really excited about this and exclaims that, “...Hank Pym is going to save the Avengers!”

[Whoa.  That’s interesting.  What happened to Ultron here?  Did he actually fuse with Hank Pym??]

When our Underground Team lands, Sam stays in the ship.  Bobbi runs in, Iron Man flies, Quicksilver stands by with Hercules and Ant Man is the first to encounter ‘Avenger’ Black Ant.

[This is where I really got excited.]

A little fight breaks out with them, just as Bobbi is encountered by Task Master. [Yes!]

“Danger’s afoot. Thank the Gods,” Hercules says.  My sentiments exactly.  I love see an Avenger x Dark Avenger brawl.  [Even if they’re not calling them that.]

Quicksilver finds Wanda and this is the first glimpse that we get of why she’s evil at all.  Her eyes are completely blacked out.  It looks like this is a curse.  [Which actually is hopeful.  It means that it’s possible that she could break out of this and come to her senses.  Vision too, for that manner.]

Speaking of.  Vision catches Sam in the ship and bashes his head right against the dashboard.  [I actually have a bad feeling about this, but I’ll explain later.]

We also get an awesome pairing of Hercules vs. Odinson.

Iron Man sighs that this was supposed to be a Stealth Mission.  We get sweet panels of fighting between our teams.

Tony A.I meets Steve and they are just about to battle, before Ultron-Pym intervenes.

“No, no, no--This won’t do--”

He uses some sort of massive beam to knock all of them out.  It seems to have come from the ceiling or something.

“I’m sorry it had to be this way... but please know I have missed you all so dearly-- And it’s so good to welcome you home again.”

They all black out and wake up with their hands bound by some sort of hexagonal tech.  The surroundings are familiar.  They’re all sitting at a table in a room that looks a lot like Avengers Mansion.

At this point, both teams are forced into a conversation with Ultron-Pym who really puts it on that they’re here for dinner.  He’s got an apron and everything that reads “Kiss the Overlord.”  That’s a bit campy, but it’s fun.

So anyway.  This conversation commences and they all talk about everything that went wrong.  With everyone.  Tony A.I points out the obvious problem with Steve’s team.  “He’s had his reality rewritten by a Cosmic Cube, she’s possessed by a demon, he’s infected by some A.I Virus--and this one just wants his hammer back, I think.”

Ultron Pym brings up his side of the table and asks what happened to Tony. [Not once referring to his A.I state.]

Steve mocks that Tony A.I is too drunk to pilot his newer models.

[...I’m sorry, but how does that work...  Because last I checked his A.I was just a light form with basically All Human Qualities and understanding, except for the actual physical ability to actually be on this plain.  Now..  Spencer has gotten away with giving him a glove to interact with things, or even toting his old armor...  but you mean to tell me that he can’t rock the new armor because there’s some sort of A.I joy juice out there that he’s drinking??]

Hercules brings up brief beef with Thor, Quicksilver interjects that he doesn’t care about any of this, he just cares about his sister.

Then Ultron Pym berates them for always bickering so much.  Then he reveals why Ultron built this city.  He speaks in the third person here, which is very important.  And this is where I was floored with astonishment.

“It’s because he didn’t have to [come after you again].  It’s because he looked at you and your war, Tony, and... your scheming, Steve--and he realized he wouldn’t have to destroy anything.  Because you were already doing it for him.”

[Whoa!]

So that explains why, if Ultron was here the whole time, why he never came out and attacked, and instead focused on building his own corner of the World and making it his own.  Eventually he would branch out after his problem sorted itself out.

When our brainwashed Cap brings up that Hydra is going to change all of the corruption and fix everything, I loved Ultron’s reaction.

“Oh, of course it will, Steve... Just like Tony’s grand plans for Superhuman Registration made everything so much better.  Or perhaps you mean like when Wanda here tried to fix everything-- That got a bit messy as I recall...”

He drives a point home, here.  “You always have such big ideas for solving all the World’s problems. Funny, then, how you just keep making everything worse.”

Cap diverts the conversation to the cube.  A little more bickering ensues, between when Sam Wilson shouts at Steve to not talk to him.  Especially like they’re friends.

Ultron-Pym loses his patience with them and yells about how he’s trying to help them.  He brings up how Steve can say “Assemble” and everyone will dive into a fire head first, and how when Tony has a crazy idea, half of the Hero Community will be down with it.  Then he gets all upset and says, “What about me?!  I’m a Founding Avenger!  I deserve some Respect! I deserve to be taken seriously!”

At this point, Tony’s A.I cracks up.  He says that’s “The most Hank Pym thing I have ever heard anyone say.”

He continues to belittle and instigate Ultron-Pym further, and at this point we’re a little unsure if it really is Hank or not.  But either way, even Cap in his Hydra state is sounding like his old self, warning Tony not to push too far.

Sam Wilson starts to agree with Steve on this.

[It’s all so brilliant.  Ultron-Pym, in this very moment is actually unifying them, by giving them all something to hate.  Or at least to worry about.]

...It goes on.  I’m at the point where I can’t give EVERY detail.  But believe me.  The conversation is GOOD.

Maybe Tony A.I believes that this is really Pym after all.  And he brings up where it actually went wrong.  Why it’s not a Happy Family any more with all of their dinners and pool parties.

“It’s because they got to be too awkward.  Too uncomfortable. It was hard for people to act like everything was still okay... after what you did to Jan.”

“HOW DARE YOU?!”

Ultron-Pym enlarges and grabs Tony A.I read to crush him.  The table is destroyed and, Hank explains his huge mistake for seemingly the thousandth time.

“Every day I live with this, and I save the World a hundred times over! But I made one mistake-- ONE MISTAKE!!!  Years ago!  And it’s all any of you will ever remember me for...”

He loses it and is about to kill Tony A.I claiming that it will give everyone something Else to remember him for.

This is where Scott Lang has a ‘be cool’ moment and manages to diffuse the entire situation, by completely relating to his situation and stating that he was an inspiration to him.  That’s why he became the 2nd Ant Man.

He ends up asking, “What would Janet...do” and almost like the flip of a switch, Pym just decides to let everyone go.

All of their bonds are released and Ant Man gets a cube fragment on his plate.

Immediately they bolt the fuck Out of there man.  While, Pym nearly manically yells, “FAREWELL! SAFE TRAVELS!  Enjoy the cube fragment, Scott!  I’ll make sure you’re heading in the opposite direction from you-know-who...”

He also bears some foreshadowing predictions about Tony’s A.I.  “...a conflict like this...can have a cleansing effect.  ...Help you face your demons.  Say hello to all your ghosts for me, Tony!”  He bids him farewell, in this almost taunting fashion.

That’s when Steve stands by Pym confused.   “We had a deal, Ultron”

Ultron Pym states that their deal is still on.  “I won’t be invading your little country.  But the cube fragment is its own issue.”

So... just to move on from this.   Both teams leave the premises.

We cut to six hours later, when we see our Underground Team celebrating their victory a bit.  But then there is news about Amor arriving in D.C. to deliver an important announcement.

Sam tells them to turn that up.

Steve is already back home, in full General Hydra garb...  [Something makes me wonder if that encounter made him want to hang up his stars and stripes for good.  Probably not though.]

Anyway, Namor is there to not only shake hands with Steve, but also to give him his very own cube fragment, as a sign of their newfound alliance.

Namor is clearly doing this for the survival of his kingdom.  Against the will of his people, it would seem.

And now our guys are upset.  Because they went through all that emotional toil for one fragment.  Meanwhile, Steve just got one handed to him a quarter of a day later “without even lifting a damn finger”, as Sam would say.

At D.C General Steve stands by Baron Zero and talks about how their draw doesn’t matter.  Soon they’ll get the fragment that the Underground Team has too...  “After all--we have someone on the inside.”

-To Be Continued!-

Aw COME ON!!!!

This issue was great, but now that last bit of news worries me.

I don’t know why, but my first instinct is that it’s Bobbi Morse.

I feel like she, out of all of them is the most that would have it in her.  She’s S.H.I.E.L.D., they’re known to do Double-Agent/Triple-Agent stuff...  It would just suit her.  I wouldn’t be surprised.

Although... Quicksilver did outwardly state that he doesn’t care WHO wins.  He just wants his sister to be okay.  And Bobbi did comment on his questionable motivation for the cause.

But then there’s that little thing that worried me, regarding The Vision knocking out Sam in the ship, just like that.

Taking it back to the very beginning of this issue, Mysterious Rogers bumps into a reminiscent Sam & Bucky. [As I’m referring them]

Well, if Mysterious Rogers is indeed real...  Does that mean I’m right about the other two, or are they just very capable strangers that resemble his closest friends?

...Beyond that.  It’s almost Mystery Novel formula, that the one you least expect.. the one who wants NOTHING to do with anything, is the killer.  In this case, the mole.

...it could be possible.  He was taken out of the fight immediately, by Vision.  Blind-sided.

Then, he wound up at the table.  Those reactions to Steve were genuine though.  They didn’t seem put on.

...and the layers might be complex.  They might be actual genuine disgust, but he might have his own personal reasons for staying out of it.  Buried guilt and hope for Steve to snap out of it and all that.

[There’s also even a clue from that Underground #1 tie-in I reviewed the other day.  Sam mentioned to Scott, or Hercules I think, that he wasn’t sure if everyone on this team was trustworthy.  Or.. who they said they were...]

In that light.  He’s either genuinely getting a hunch about one of them, or he’s planting the seeds of mistrust himself, because He’s gonna surprise us.

Ah man.  I dunno.

And I haven’t read Secret Empire #5 yet!  So I’m very much looking forward to doing so.  I wonder who it’s going to be.  But I’m also very interested in seeing what happens to Nat & the others.  Will Frank Castle end up finding them and if so, how will an encounter like that really go?  Would they come to blows, or find a middle ground and trade information?

And then there’s the rest of the Underground camp.  The cover of that issue.  Clint looks like he’s getting meeeesssed up.  So I’m very curious about what happens next.

Can’t wait to read Secret Empire #5!!!!!