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maddieinwonder · 4 years ago

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Bait & Switch

Spencer Reid x GN!BAU!Reader

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: None, super fluffy

Word Count: 3.5k words

Plot: Reader reveals that they’re going to buy a Nintendo Switch so Spencer invites them to go together with him. In the process, some feelings reveal themselves.

Author’s Note: My first time writing about Spencer, and actually, my first time writing a fic in a long time haha. Just imagine that this takes place in 2017, although you don’t have to know anything about the Switch in order to read this.

Masterlist

--------------

"What's got you in such a good mood, baby?" Derek asked, leaning over his chair. Even without looking up, you could feel the smirk that decorated his face. After almost a month at the BAU, you didn’t need to be a profiler to expect this much from Derek. "Got a date this weekend?"

You tried to focus on your paperwork before relenting, rolling your eyes. Still, you couldn't hide the smile in your voice when you shot back a reply. "With this job? You wish, Morgan."

"Give yourself some credit, beautiful. With your looks I'm sure you could score a good looking fellow for a night you won't forget."

"I'm sure you would know all about that," you replied, this time grinning from ear to ear.

Ever since you joined the BAU, your seat has always been across Derek Morgan. The guy was a terrible flirt but also one of the most trustworthy people you knew, so you couldn't keep up a sarcastic mood for long.

"Actually," you replied genuinely, "I'll be lining up this weekend to buy a Nintendo Switch." Out of the corner of your eye, you could sense Spencer stiffen in his chair next to you.

"A what switch?" Derek asked, his face scrunching up in confusion.

But before you could begin to reply him, Spencer rolled his chair over and opened his mouth. The both of you knew what was coming.

"The Nintendo Switch. A video game console developed by Japanese company Nintendo that's completely one-of-its-kind, on account of its console functioning like a tablet that can either be docked on a home console and linked to a TV, or used as a portable device with two wireless controllers so you can..."

Not being able to help yourself, you giggled at his info dump. You've always admired how much knowledge he could store in his big brain. But more importantly, you thought he was kind of cute like this. A fire would light in his eyes and it seemed like the world around him ceased to exist.

You only realised you were staring at Spencer when the last bits of his question registered in your mind. "...you going to?"

Blinking your eyes, you snapped to attention. Derek seemed to notice, because you felt his signature smirk return to his face.

"Which store are you going to?" Spencer repeated the question. Anybody else might be annoyed, but he only seemed mildly restless. A rare look for the unathletic genius.

"I'm going to the one three blocks down from here," you replied.

"So am I!" Spencer sat upright in his chair, beaming. You think that this is the most excitement he's expressed to you since you joined the BAU.

Then his confidence seemed to waver. He began tugging at the edge of his sleeve, eyes glancing to the side at nothing in particular when he asked, "W-would you like t-to go together?"

A smile spreads across your face before you can stop it. "Sure! Sounds like fun."

Spencer grinned back, and there was a moment of silence before Derek interrupted the conversation that he began. "Well, I'll leave you and lover boy to plan your date. I'm going to spend my Friday night at the bar."

Your heart thumped involuntarily at the word "date", while Derek turned to Emily. "Hey Prentiss, you want to grab a few drinks and dinner? I'm sure I can get the others to leave work for one night."

"Anything's better than this," Emily shrugged, lifting her mug of already-cold coffee.

Standing up to retrieve her bag, she smirked at you and Spencer, having heard more of the conversation than she let on. "Have a great weekend, you lovebirds. Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

She and Derek shared a laugh as they moved towards the Batcave to retrieve Garcia next.

As you watched them go, you feel Spencer's eyes on you and a flush warming your cheeks. You knew they were just teasing you with the word "date", but the truth is you've liked the genius almost as soon as you met him.

You may not have an eidetic memory, but you could still remember the flutter of butterflies that exploded in your chest when you first laid eyes on Dr. Spencer Reid.

He had waved from a comfortable distance, the other hand tucked in the pocket of his dark slacks. He towered over you easily with curly locks that barely touched his sweater vest, and you swore you've never seen anybody more attractive in your life. His intelligence only added to your attraction.

"Shall I pick you up at 7am tomorrow?"

You turned back to Spencer, who seemed even more nervous now that everybody in the bullpen had left. Yet what he was proposing was rather bold compared to his usual behaviour.

“Pick me up?” You repeated.

“It’ll be easier to find a parking spot that way, and the weather report predicts that tomorrow will be a sunny day, so I know you’d rather not walk three blocks to the store.” He rambled nervously.

“You know me well, Spencer.” A cheeky smile snuck onto your face, and in a moment of false bravado, you said what was on your mind. “7am. It’s a date, then.”

Spencer’s face turned beet red.

You didn’t wait to dwell on his reaction, dumping the last of your paperwork into a pile and picking up your bag. But as you walked to the elevator, you couldn’t help yourself from grinning ear to ear. It was a date. Kind of.

--------------

You couldn’t sleep. You had gotten home earlier than usual, but the extra time to plan for your “date” tomorrow proved to be a bad idea.

What would you wear? What would you talk about? Should you extend it to a meal, or dessert, or maybe coffee?

Although you were confident in the moment, you were beginning to regret teasing Spencer before you left. You’d known him long enough to know how he reacted to embarrassment, and there’s a good chance he might back away because of your forwardness.

You groaned, trying to get these thoughts out of your head. The reality of the "date" was sinking in now. This would be the first time that you and Spencer would be alone in a non-work setting. To say that you were nervous was a gross understatement.

But there was something worse than showing up nervous, which was showing up nervous and sleep-deprived, so you turned off your bedside lamp and tried to will yourself to sleep. That's when your phone began to buzz.

You were so on edge that the sound almost made you fall off your bed. Turning over your phone, your heart leapt to your throat.

Spencer, 2:03am: Sorry to disturb you when it's so late, but I realised I don’t have your address. Could you send it to me when you're awake?

You gulped. Just relax, just relax, you repeated in your head.

Me, 2:05am: It’s alright, you didn’t wake me up. I’ll attach my address below.

Spencer, 2:06am: Thanks. Having trouble sleeping?

Me, 2:07am: A little

Spencer, 2:08am: Me too.

What was I supposed to reply to that? You silently screamed. But it turned out you didn't have to figure it out.

Spencer, 2:11am: To be honest, I'm a little nervous about tomorrow.

Me, 2:13am: Why?

Spencer, 2:15am: I suppose it’s because we've never spent any time alone before.

Hearing the genius act so shy made you feel a little more brave.

Me, 2:16am: Well, I'm looking forward to the chance

Spencer, 2:17am: I am too.

Despite your nerves, you smiled at his small confession.

Spencer, 2:19am: We should get some sleep.

Me, 2:19am: I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night, Spence

Spencer, 2:20am: Sweet dreams.

Your anxieties were washed away and replaced with the biggest smile on your face. Without knowing it, Spencer’s words rippled a sense of calm over you, and you fell asleep shortly after.

The next morning, you woke up with a newfound clarity. You knew what you were going to wear.

--------------

Spencer couldn't stop tapping the edge of his steering wheel. He knew he was nervous, and admitting it to you last night didn't do much to stop that fact from eating away at him.

He texted you 3 minutes ago that he was waiting outside your apartment, but you hadn't replied. Although he knew that there were plenty of logical reasons why you might have missed his text, his hands didn't stop itching to call you and see if you were alright.

Then out of the corner of his eye, you emerged from the corridor and he felt his heart speed up.

You were wearing a blue flannel that he'd never seen you in before with a pair of dark jeans. Your hair, which you usually kept in a up-do at work, was let down in waves, touching your shoulders. And then there was the pièce de résistance, you were wearing a Doctor Who t-shirt with the TARDIS on it.

Hook, line, and sinker.

He didn't break his gaze on you the entire time you got into his car. Even when you beamed at him and wished him a good morning, a small yawn escaping your perfect lips, he was completely tongue-tied.

"Earth to Spencer," you called out, looking up at him curiously. "You there?"

Spencer shook his head suddenly, cursing himself internally for being such a doofus. "Sorry, uh, I was distracted. Good morning." He smiled sheepishly, tucking a stray hair strand behind his ear.

"Anyway," he cleared his throat. "I was thinking we could grab some coffee before we headed to the store? We can make it quick. I know there'll be some people already lining up."

He peeked at you rubbing your eyes and thought it was the cutest thing he's ever seen. “Looks like you might need it," he said without realising he'd just flirted with you.

You giggled, lowering your hands from your face. "Sounds great."

--------------

Spencer wasn't lying when he said it'd be quick, although in truth you could have taken all the time in the world and you would still be happy. The initial awkwardness between you washed away almost immediately as you fell into a quiet conversation about your favourite Doctor Who episodes.

You wanted to commit the sight of him driving in the morning to memory. The sun had just rose, lighting a gentle halo around Spencer’s messy hair and sculptured face. He was wearing a bigger sweater than usual, the sleeves hanging around his wrists loosely. While his eyes were focused on the road, his lips parted slightly as he softly bantered with you about David Tennant.

You felt an overwhelming urge to reach out and kiss him despite the driving hazard. And despite the fact that you’ve never kissed him, of course. But you could hope. And hope you did.

Your hope had grown when he parked in front of the coffee house you’d once mentioned was your favourite. Spencer made your coffee order perfectly and you had found yourself hoping that it was because he’d paid extra attention to you, and not because of his brilliant memory.

And when you reached the video game store and he opened the door for you, you hoped it was because he wanted to make a good impression, not only because he was a gentleman.

And when he stood between you and a video game rack in line, you hoped that he was trying to shield you from the other people in the store, and you hoped that he was thinking of pressing you against the rack and kissing the daylights out of you.

You needed to get a hold of yourself.

The conversation had swapped to the reason why you two were here in the first place, and you found yourself talking to Spencer about Breath of the Wild, a game that brought you back to fond memories of your childhood.

“The Legend of Zelda was the first video game I ever played, on the first console I ever owned.” You shared, smiling fondly. “It was the video game that my brother and I bonded over, and we bought every game together since.”

Spencer nodded in rapt. You felt him leaning closer to you, although it may have been your imagination.

“This is actually the first time I haven’t been with him for a new game,” you realised. “Due to our jobs, we haven’t seen each other in awhile, but we still text each other!” You tried to end on a lighter note, not wanting to bring the mood down on this “date”.

Spencer looked at you as if he wanted to say something, but he kept his lips shut.

“What about you? What was your first video game?” You threw the question to him, trying to divert attention away from your sad-enough story.

He blushed in response to your question and looked down at his black converse. You noticed he began touching his sleeve in a familiar motion and you looked at him suspiciously. “Spencer?”

“W-well, the t-truth is, I didn’t actually c-come here to buy a Switch, and I don’t play video games at all.“ The last part of his sentence came out rapidly. You might have missed it, if you weren’t already used to the tongue twisters he spit out on a daily basis.

“What?” You exclaimed a little too loudly, causing the other shoppers in line to glance at you weirdly. “Then... Then what are you doing here?” You said quieter this time. Your eyebrows furrowed as your mind scanned the possibilities.

“W-well, I, uh, wanted to spend time with you,” he blurted out. He raised his eyes to meet yours, his face completely red.

It was your turn to be flustered now. Your voice was quiet and you could feel your hands shaking. “Is this a date, Spencer?”

“Only if you want it to be, I mean, I want it to be but your opinion matters to me, and I wouldn’t want to bring you on a date if you didn’t want to. We can just hang out like friends if that’s more comfortable--”

You grabbed his free hand, gently lowering it from where it was moving as he rambled, until your fingers were intertwined.

“I would like it to be,” a large smile took over your face. You were a little teary despite how weird it was to confess your feelings for him in a video game store of all places.

Spencer was quiet for a moment, squeezing your hand in return. “Would you like to go for lunch after this? As a date,” he clarified this time.

"I would love that,” you beamed at him, “as a date.”

--------------

Spencer had always imagined the kind of girl he would fall in love with. Caring, intelligent, had an appreciation for classic literature, maybe. But when he saw you for the first time, every expectation he held flew out of the window.

You were beautiful. Wavy dark hair tied into a high ponytail, wearing a navy shirt, and funnily enough, a beige cardigan and black converse. Morgan joked that it was like meeting Spencer 2.0, but he disagreed: the two of you were worlds apart.

You were incredibly tech savvy, although not as much as Garcia, but certainly more than the rest. You loved the smell and taste of coffee without sugar. You were happy to hug everybody you met, from colleagues to victims. You didn’t like paperback so you read everything on a Kindle.

But the biggest difference between the two of you, was that you were emotionally intelligent.

All of your brilliance, combined with your PhD in psychology - having worked as a psychiatrist affiliated with Sex Crimes before joining the BAU - you were able to pick out the team’s moods from a single glance. It’s what endeared everyone to you immediately, and what made you such a great profiler.

But the way you treated him was different. You just, listened to him.��While everyone else had gotten into the habit of cutting him off or simply ignoring him when he opened his mouth, your eyes would light up instead.

He could always tell you were listening because you would look into his eyes when he spoke, and you would ask him questions after he was done.

It made him feel like the world around him ceased to exist, except for you.

So he started studying your interests to grab your attention, trying to throw in a few jokes hoping to see you smile. It only took one month for him to seize his chance. Still, never in his calculations did he think you would say yes.

He smiled at the thought, stroking your hair gently as you cuddled on the couch together, watching you play Breath of the Wild.

After a more than successful first date, you had asked him to come over the next day to spend more time together. A month ago, he would have politely declined with an excuse like needing to read a new academic journal, but when he arrived at your doorstep he allowed himself to be drawn into your arms, relishing the giggle he earned as a reward for being hugged.

“Damn it,” you grumbled quietly as you ran out of stamina scaling a cliffside for the fifth time.

Spencer laughed. Without a second thought, he pulled you closer and kissed the top of your head.

In the background Link fell off the cliff once again, the game playing a sound that he came to recognise as Link dying. But there were no curses this time, as you had turned to look at Spencer, nothing but adoration in your eyes.

“That was our first kiss,” you said so quietly and sweetly that Spencer’s heart melted at the sound of it.

“First?” He took his chance, leaning closer. “You know, the usage of the word ‘first’ almost always implies that there will be a ‘second’ and a ‘third’ and a...”

His voice trailed off as your fingers left the controller to touch his lips. Your touch was intoxicating and he wanted more.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Spence,” you started, lifting your finger from his lips. “I didn’t mean to interrupt you-”

“Don’t be sorry,” he managed to get out in a hurry before capturing your lips in his. He felt your astonishment at first, but you quickly lost yourself in the kiss as he brought his hands up to cup the sides of your face, deepening the kiss further.

You finally broke apart after awhile, both panting for air and smiling widely. Spencer never thought he could be so lucky. “That’s the second one,” he said quietly, bringing up two fingers to indicate the number.

You looked at him with love in your eyes and abandoned your controller on the table before throwing yourself at him, flattening the two of you against your couch.

“Ready for the third?”

--------------

Derek Morgan wasn’t an idiot. That’s why he could tell that something had changed over the weekend between his desk mate and boy genius.

The two came into work together on Monday morning, which was weird in itself, but they also took every opportunity to stick to each other, from coffee breaks to disappearing for lunch and “asking” about paperwork.

When they vanished for the umpteenth time that day for coffee, Derek leaned over Emily’s desk to confirm his theory.

“It’s not just me. Pretty boy finally made a move, didn’t he?” He cocked an eyebrow.

“Definitely. Those two are so obvious that even Hotch has picked up on it. From his office.” She quipped, grinning as her eyes moved to the scene behind Derek. “Speak of the devil.”

Entering the conversation, Spencer did what he did best. “Did you know that ‘speak of the devil’ is the short form of the idiom ‘speak of the devil and he doth appear’? The phrase can be traced back to the 16th century when mentioning the devil was considered prohibited. In fact, when people were caught saying the phrase--”

Derek caught your eyes drifting to look adoringly at Spencer. He couldn’t take this anymore. “So what happened between you two last weekend, huh?” he interrupted, smirking.

Your reaction was better than he gambled. You turned a bright red and your eyes darted between Spencer and Derek in panic, truly flustered for the first time since he’s met you. But Spencer was strangely calm, his eyes travelling from his best friend to Emily in the background trying to stifle her laughter, while a small smile tugged at his lips.

“We’re dating now,” he announced to the two a little triumphantly, while rubbing your shoulder as a peaceful gesture.

Derek and Emily were stunned by their friend’s directness, only to be shocked out of it as Hotch walked by. “Finally,” he muttered, loud enough for them all to hear.

You were the first to crack a smile, then the rest followed suit with laughs and congratulations. Hearing the uproar, Garcia and JJ peeked out of their rooms, joining in and demanding more details about this new but not entirely unexpected development.

Amidst the chaos, Spencer laces his hands in yours and gives it a squeeze. For the first time in a long time, you feel unequivocally, unmistakably happy.

#mads fics #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fic #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfiction #cm fic #cm fanfic #criminal minds fandom

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hetalia-nordic-trash · 4 years ago

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The Heart Gambit (Dennor) - 1 Where I Want to Be

Word Count: 1,575

Summary: Mathias is attending a boring party for the competitors, but things get interesting when he spots Lukas from across the room.

Author's Note: Here's the first full chapter! I had a great time writing it so I hope you enjoy it and do leave me some feedback so I can keep getting better!

Previous: 0-Introduction

---

Mathias stood at the balcony soaking in the view. The sun had already dipped below the mountains and he watched as lights in the valley below flickered on, waking up the night. He took in a deep breath. The air was much crisper here than he thought it would be. It almost made his lungs feel younger. He swirled his champagne glass and starred down into the valley, wondering if a fall from this high would kill him.

He felt a strong hand on his shoulder.

"Hey man, if you're gonna fall something, at least make it look cool!"

He laughed at the familiar voice. He turned to see his manager, Alfred. Mathias playfully pushed Alfred's hand away.

"Aw come on! I haven't had THAT much to drink!" Mathias said, laughing.

Alfred leaned back against the balcony railing, taking a sip from his own glass.

"So, what are you doing out here when the party's happening in there?" he said, gesturing to the room behind Mathias.

Mathias glanced behind him at the "party" that was being held for him and Lukas. He didn't really consider it one. It was too formal and stuffy. Everyone was dressed too nicely and talking too quietly to be having fun. Light classical music drifted over the droning murmur of the party guests. Mathias had been to his share of parties, but he found it hard to have a good time when he was expected to make constant polite conversation with people and act just as buttoned-up as everyone else.

"Oh you know," he chuckled, half-heartedly. "Just taking a breather. Fancy gatherings aren't exactly my thing."

Alfred took another sip from his glass and he patted Mathias on the back.

"I know, I know. You were never really a 'shake hands and make small talk' kind of guy, but that interview you did has everyone buzzing about you! You make that guy Lukas seem like a huge nerd! And everyone loves a confident guy!" Alfred said, beaming at Mathias.

"I know you don't like it, but if you could just go shake hands, make a few snarky comments, it would really help me land this sponsorship for you!"

Alfred stood up and took another sip from his glass, only to find it empty.

"Well, duty calls. You got this!" Alfred cheered, giving a big thumbs up before walking back inside.

Mathias downed the rest of his drink and signed. He headed back into the main room, passing party members and doing his best to make small talk.

"Hey look it's that Kohler guy!"

"You're gonna win this weekend right?"

"Wow! You're so much taller in person!"

Mathias tensed up.

"Haha... thank you... I-" he caught sight of someone across the room at another balcony.

Could it be?

Lukas was there, leaning on the railing and staring off into the darkening night sky. He wasn't entirely sure what made him do it, but he found himself gently pushing past the party guests, muttering some polite "excuse me"s and "sorry"s. He almost ran over but stopped just short of the balcony doors. He felt a pang of fear in the pit of his stomach. Why did he want to talk to Lukas so bad? He doubted he wanted to speak to him after the interview. But, if anyone would understand how much these things sucked, it would probably be him.

He took a deep breath and stepped through the doors, slapping Lukas on the back.

"Well, well, well! So we finally meet! What are you doing out here when the party's in there?" he asked him with a forced grin.

He jumped a bit as his hand was slapped away.

"What the hell!? I'm not Lukas!" apparently-not-Lukas yelled.

The guy turned around to face Mathias. He did look just like Lukas, same jawline and platinum blond hair. Although, his eyes seemed strangely purple compared to Lukas's sea-blue eyes. Not that Mathias had been staring at pictures of him, of course. Mathias put his hands up.

"Oh! My bad! You look just like him from the back! Even more so from the front!" he replied, trying to laugh it off.

The guy let out a sigh and huffed.

"I'm his brother, Emil. Don't feel THAT bad. It happens more than I like" he said as he eyes Mathias up and down.

Emil furrowed his brows.

"I take it you're Mathias. The guy he won't stop complaining about." Emil said, crossing his arms.

Mathias laughed a bit.

"Hey, I'm not that bad!" he joked.

Emil looked out over the balcony.

"Ok, Mr. Big-shot. Tell that to my nerd brother who wasn't exactly happy with how you made him look in your little interview," he said flatly, turning back to Mathias.

"Though, I doubt he'd ever tell you that. It would ruin his "strategy",".

Mathias laughed nervously.

"Aren't you worried about giving his strategy!?" he asked grinning. "Keep this up and I'll snag that win for sure!"

Mathias's laugh grew more confident and put his hand on Emil's shoulder. Emil picked Mathias's hand off his shoulder and placed it on the balcony railing.

"If I'm being totally honest, I don't really know if I want him to win," Emil said under his breath, resting his hand in his hands as he looked over the balcony.

Mathias's demeanor softened. He walked over to Emil and stood next to him, looking out at the night sky.

Emil sighed.

"When you said that Lukas didn't have a life outside of chess, yeah it was mean, but the worst part was it's kinda true. I like my brother and all, but every day is the same thing: combing through old books for strategies, helping him practice, and trying to get him to sleep and eat like a normal person, and-"

Emil sighed again as if he caught himself in an old habit. He stood up properly and started straightening out his clothes.

"If Lukas wins, I'm not really sure what he'll do with his life. At least if he loses, he'll still have something to keep himself busy with. Though, I'm getting a little tired of chess," Emil said, trailing off. "I should get going, actually. He's probably waiting for me back at the hotel."

It hit Mathias that he's completely forgotten that he was even at the party. He only wanted to know more about Lukas.

"I'll walk you out!" he quickly straightened himself out. "I'm just about ready to get out of here myself."

The pair walked towards the elevator. Mathias did his best to smile and wave at the part goers, desperately hoping that Alfred wouldn't notice him leaving early. He stepped into the elevator with Emil and waited for the doors to close.

"So, why is Lukas's life just...chess?" Mathias asked, delicately.

Emil stared at the floor counter as it ticked down.

"Lukas loves knowledge and books and reading and all that. He values intellect. Chess just so happened to present itself to him as the ultimate game," Emil shifted a bit. "At first, it was kinda more casual. He'd read a book or two and play a few games here and there. But the better he got, the more he wanted to read and practice and win that I'm pretty sure he forgot anything else."

Mathias stiffened a bit. Lukas had probably read every book on Chess there ever was, he was definitely serious. How dedicated was Lukas if he was willing to forego eating, sleeping, and -

"Has he ever had, like a girlfriend or something?" Mathias asked, instantly wishing he could suck the words back in as soon as he spoke them.

Emil shook his head.

"Nah. He almost had a boyfriend, but he wasn't...priority at the time..." Emil trailed off again.

The elevator dinged as they reached the ground floor. The two stepped out and walked outside. Thunder rolled in the distance.

"Well, I better try to beat the storm. You know, you're not as annoying, arrogant, or obnoxious as Lukas says you are," Emil said as he pulled on a jacket.

Mathias felt a little hurt in his heart, but he knew what he wanted to see Lukas. He had to talk to him. About the interview, the party, the match, everything.

Emil started walking away.

"Wait!" Mathias called out.

Emil turned around as Mathias caught up to him.

"Let's uh, let's grab a drink tomorrow, and maybe you can tell me more about yourself and Lukas. Between you and me, you seem much cooler haha! And maybe Lukas isn't the buttoned-up nerd I'm pretty sure he is!" Mathias beamed.

Emil smiled for the first time that night, small but genuine. He pulled out a napkin from his jacket and scribbled an address on it.

"Oh no, he definitely is!" he replied, laughing a little.

Mathias took the napkin and checked the address. It was right by the hotel he was staying at.

"Alright see you then! This better be a good bar, you know! I need a real party after having to put up with this stuffy garbage all night!" He cheered as Emil walked away.

He wasn't sure, but Emil looked back and seemed to wink at him.

"For sure! Goodnight!"

"Goodnight."

Mathias paused for a moment and sighed at the new silence. He trudged back inside and made his way back up to the party. After all, he still had hands to shake.

---

Next Chapter: 2-The Arbiter

a/n: I hope you liked the first chapter! I also apologize for the poor proofreading. it's just me proofreading these so if you see a critical error feel free to DM me and I'll fix it!

I’m going to take this time to plug my non-hetalia work “ Intro to Love ” about a college student who struggles to keep her superpowers a secret and while making new friends. How much of her normal life will she give up to save her friends from a mysterious villain that drains students’ brains and turns them into zombies? The complete Chapter 1 is out NOW!

Thanks again for reading! Send some feedback my way! Can’t wait to continue this story!

Quotev link: here

#hetalia #hetalia denmark #hetalia norway #hetalia dennor #hws #hws denmark #hws norway #hws dennor #dennor #DenNor #fanfic

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thechosenburrito · 3 years ago

Text

The Heart Gambit (Dennor) - 1 Where I Want to Be

Word Count: 1,575

Summary: Mathias is attending a boring party for the competitors, but things get interesting when he spots Lukas from across the room. Author's Note: Here's the first full chapter! I had a great time writing it so I hope you enjoy it and do leave me some feedback so I can keep getting better! Previous: 0-Introduction --- Mathias stood at the balcony soaking in the view. The sun had already dipped below the mountains and he watched as lights in the valley below flickered on, waking up the night. He took in a deep breath. The air was much crisper here than he thought it would be. It almost made his lungs feel younger. He swirled his champagne glass and starred down into the valley, wondering if a fall from this high would kill him. He felt a strong hand on his shoulder. "Hey man, if you're gonna fall something, at least make it look cool!"

He laughed at the familiar voice. He turned to see his manager, Alfred. Mathias playfully pushed Alfred's hand away. "Aw come on! I haven't had THAT much to drink!" Mathias said, laughing. Alfred leaned back against the balcony railing, taking a sip from his own glass. "So, what are you doing out here when the party's happening in there?" he said, gesturing to the room behind Mathias. Mathias glanced behind him at the "party" that was being held for him and Lukas. He didn't really consider it one. It was too formal and stuffy. Everyone was dressed too nicely and talking too quietly to be having fun. Light classical music drifted over the droning murmur of the party guests. Mathias had been to his share of parties, but he found it hard to have a good time when he was expected to make constant polite conversation with people and act just as buttoned-up as everyone else. "Oh you know," he chuckled, half-heartedly. "Just taking a breather. Fancy gatherings aren't exactly my thing." Alfred took another sip from his glass and he patted Mathias on the back. "I know, I know. You were never really a 'shake hands and make small talk' kind of guy, but that interview you did has everyone buzzing about you! You make that guy Lukas seem like a huge nerd! And everyone loves a confident guy!" Alfred said, beaming at Mathias. "I know you don't like it, but if you could just go shake hands, make a few snarky comments, it would really help me land this sponsorship for you!" Alfred stood up and took another sip from his glass, only to find it empty. "Well, duty calls. You got this!" Alfred cheered, giving a big thumbs up before walking back inside. Mathias downed the rest of his drink and signed. He headed back into the main room, passing party members and doing his best to make small talk. "Hey look it's that Kohler guy!" "You're gonna win this weekend right?" "Wow! You're so much taller in person!" Mathias tensed up. "Haha... thank you... I-" he caught sight of someone across the room at another balcony. Could it be? Lukas was there, leaning on the railing and staring off into the darkening night sky. He wasn't entirely sure what made him do it, but he found himself gently pushing past the party guests, muttering some polite "excuse me"s and "sorry"s. He almost ran over but stopped just short of the balcony doors. He felt a pang of fear in the pit of his stomach. Why did he want to talk to Lukas so bad? He doubted he wanted to speak to him after the interview. But, if anyone would understand how much these things sucked, it would probably be him. He took a deep breath and stepped through the doors, slapping Lukas on the back. "Well, well, well! So we finally meet! What are you doing out here when the party's in there?" he asked him with a forced grin. He jumped a bit as his hand was slapped away. "What the hell!? I'm not Lukas!" apparently-not-Lukas yelled. The guy turned around to face Mathias. He did look just like Lukas, same jawline and platinum blond hair. Although, his eyes seemed strangely purple compared to Lukas's sea-blue eyes. Not that Mathias had been staring at pictures of him, of course. Mathias put his hands up. "Oh! My bad! You look just like him from the back! Even more so from the front!" he replied, trying to laugh it off. The guy let out a sigh and huffed. "I'm his brother, Emil. Don't feel THAT bad. It happens more than I like" he said as he eyes Mathias up and down. Emil furrowed his brows. "I take it you're Mathias. The guy he won't stop complaining about." Emil said, crossing his arms. Mathias laughed a bit. "Hey, I'm not that bad!" he joked. Emil looked out over the balcony. "Ok, Mr. Big-shot. Tell that to my nerd brother who wasn't exactly happy with how you made him look in your little interview," he said flatly, turning back to Mathias. "Though, I doubt he'd ever tell you that. It would ruin his "strategy",". Mathias laughed nervously. "Aren't you worried about giving his strategy!?" he asked grinning. "Keep this up and I'll snag that win for

sure!" Mathias's laugh grew more confident and put his hand on Emil's shoulder. Emil picked Mathias's hand off his shoulder and placed it on the balcony railing. "If I'm being totally honest, I don't really know if I want him to win," Emil said under his breath, resting his hand in his hands as he looked over the balcony. Mathias's demeanor softened. He walked over to Emil and stood next to him, looking out at the night sky. Emil sighed. "When you said that Lukas didn't have a life outside of chess, yeah it was mean, but the worst part was it's kinda true. I like my brother and all, but every day is the same thing: combing through old books for strategies, helping him practice, and trying to get him to sleep and eat like a normal person, and-" Emil sighed again as if he caught himself in an old habit. He stood up properly and started straightening out his clothes. "If Lukas wins, I'm not really sure what he'll do with his life. At least if he loses, he'll still have something to keep himself busy with. Though, I'm getting a little tired of chess," Emil said, trailing off. "I should get going, actually. He's probably waiting for me back at the hotel." It hit Mathias that he's completely forgotten that he was even at the party. He only wanted to know more about Lukas. "I'll walk you out!" he quickly straightened himself out. "I'm just about ready to get out of here myself." The pair walked towards the elevator. Mathias did his best to smile and wave at the part goers, desperately hoping that Alfred wouldn't notice him leaving early. He stepped into the elevator with Emil and waited for the doors to close. "So, why is Lukas's life just...chess?" Mathias asked, delicately. Emil stared at the floor counter as it ticked down. "Lukas loves knowledge and books and reading and all that. He values intellect. Chess just so happened to present itself to him as the ultimate game," Emil shifted a bit. "At first, it was kinda more casual. He'd read a book or two and play a few games here and there. But the better he got, the more he wanted to read and practice and win that I'm pretty sure he forgot anything else." Mathias stiffened a bit. Lukas had probably read every book on Chess there ever was, he was definitely serious. How dedicated was Lukas if he was willing to forego eating, sleeping, and - "Has he ever had, like a girlfriend or something?" Mathias asked, instantly wishing he could suck the words back in as soon as he spoke them. Emil shook his head. "Nah. He almost had a boyfriend, but he wasn't...priority at the time..." Emil trailed off again. The elevator dinged as they reached the ground floor. The two stepped out and walked outside. Thunder rolled in the distance. "Well, I better try to beat the storm. You know, you're not as annoying, arrogant, or obnoxious as Lukas says you are," Emil said as he pulled on a jacket. Mathias felt a little hurt in his heart, but he knew what he wanted to see Lukas. He had to talk to him. About the interview, the party, the match, everything. Emil started walking away. "Wait!" Mathias called out. Emil turned around as Mathias caught up to him. "Let's uh, let's grab a drink tomorrow, and maybe you can tell me more about yourself and Lukas. Between you and me, you seem much cooler haha! And maybe Lukas isn't the buttoned-up nerd I'm pretty sure he is!" Mathias beamed. Emil smiled for the first time that night, small but genuine. He pulled out a napkin from his jacket and scribbled an address on it. "Oh no, he definitely is!" he replied, laughing a little. Mathias took the napkin and checked the address. It was right by the hotel he was staying at. "Alright see you then! This better be a good bar, you know! I need a real party after having to put up with this stuffy garbage all night!" He cheered as Emil walked away. He wasn't sure, but Emil looked back and seemed to wink at him. "For sure! Goodnight!" "Goodnight." Mathias paused for a moment and sighed at the new silence. He trudged back inside and made his way back up to the

party. After all, he still had hands to shake. --- Next Chapter: 2-The Arbiter a/n: I hope you liked the first chapter! I also apologize for the poor proofreading. it's just me proofreading these so if you see a critical error feel free to DM me and I'll fix it! I’m going to take this time to plug my non-hetalia work “ Intro to Love ” about a college student who struggles to keep her superpowers a secret and while making new friends. How much of her normal life will she give up to save her friends from a mysterious villain that drains students’ brains and turns them into zombies? The complete Chapter 1 is out NOW! Thanks again for reading! Send some feedback my way! Can’t wait to continue this story! Quotev link: here

#hetalia #hetalia nordics #hetalia denmark #hetalia norway #hetalia dennor #dennor #hws #hws nordics #hws denmark #hws norway #hws dennor #denmark x norway #norway x denmark #hetalia fanfiction #chess au

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laws-yellow-submarine · 5 years ago

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Can you do a scenario for Law realizes he's in love with a female pirate that everytime Law goes and talk to her he messes up or embarrass himself. His crew, the straw hats, white beard and red hair shanks crew knows about this and tries to help him but makes it worse (like giving him wrong ideas etc.) But in the end they find out she feels the same way. Law finally gets to be with her, also add a rough NSFW please

Hellooooo!~ Thank you for waiting for this one! I ended up kinda getting away from the original request, I think, and I left out the Whitebeard and Red Haired pirates (I just couldn’t figure out how to fit them in there), but it just kept going and going and eventually I had this super long monstrosity haha but it’s still pretty close to what you requested, so I hope you enjoy it! I worked really hard on it! 😁

He hadn’t expected to see her again.

It would’ve been easier if he hadn’t.

Instead, Law now had to deal with being in close proximity with someone who made him...feel things. As if being stuck on an island with the absolutely insane Straw Hat Pirates wasn’t enough.

Still, he figured he could do a decent job of avoiding all of them, and promptly gave the order to his crew that he was not to be disturbed, and then shut himself in the infirmary of the Polar Tang until further notice.

That only worked for about three hours.

Law was just cleaning up from one of his many planned experiments for that weekend when the unmistakable sound of FLIP FLOP FLIP FLOP came sounding down the hall. He groaned, head in his hands, as Straw Hat’s shout of “TORAO!! COME OUT HERE! WHATCHA HIDING FOR?!” came through the door, accompanied by a flurry of harsh knocks. His crew were gonna get it.

“Ah! There you are! Come on, Torao, you gotta check this place out! There’s so many other pirates here, and there’s FOOD!!” Law sighed as he let Luffy drag him back outside, noting Shachi, Penguin, and Bepo standing nearby, looking away from him, whistling into the air.

Traitors.

Luffy continued to rattle things off about their location, not that Law was listening. He was, unfortunately, used to this by now and knew fighting it was futile. As long as they steered clear of her, he could handle it.

Fate obviously hated him.

As Luffy pulled him to the feast he’d mentioned, Law’s eyes locked on a familiar female pirate, his gut immediately doing flip flops in a way that made him sick, and he hated it. But he was too late to pretend he hadn’t noticed her because there she was, waving at him with a small smile on her face that did nothing to stop the heat creeping over Law’s entire body. Instead of responding, he jerked his face away from her, looking instead at the group Luffy had pulled him to.

Ever since their alliance, the Straw Hats and the Heart Pirates had gotten along rather well; and despite Law’s statements that he did not consider them friends, everyone knew it wasn’t true; including him. Not that that ever stopped him from denying it. Loudly. Finally pulling his arm free from the other captain’s grasp, Law angrily sat amongst the group, remaining stoic despite the friendly chatter surrounding him.

On occasion he’d glance up, catching glances of her here and there, unable to help himself. Something about the way she was with her own crew, laughing and joking, kept him transfixed, even to the point that he failed to realize his present company had noticed where his attention was.

Out of the corner of his eye, Law saw Luffy’s face stretched into an impossible grin, snickering in his direction. Raising a brow, Law leaned back to get away from the rubbery man, noticing the rest of the Straw Hats giving him some strangely amused looks.

“What?” He barked out. Luffy snickered some more.

“You like her don’t ya, Torao? You keep looking over there!” Great. Even Luffy of all people noticed. This was getting out of hand.

“Of course not, you idiot!” Law ground out, pushing Luffy away, ignoring the laughter coming from the people around him. He felt his face start to heat up, wishing he’d locked the door to the submarine earlier so he wouldn’t be in this mess right now.

“Hmhmhm Torao-kun, you should go talk to her,” Nico Robin told him with a soft smile, drawing agreement from the rest of her crew, as well as his own.

“Yeah, Captain! Go get laid!” Came Shachi’s voice beside him, before Penguin smacked his head into the floor snapping “idiot!” Law rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying to stem the migraine that was forming.

“No,” he said, leaving no room for argument.

The Straw Hats apparently didn’t realize that.

“Ahh need help, eh? Well, as a woman I’ll help you out, but it’ll cost you!” Nami told him, eyes mysteriously shaped like Beli signs. “I’ll even give you a discount! How’s 300,000 Beli sound?”

“No!” He said, a little more forcefully this time.

“Hm, Torao, you should woo the lady with a home cooked meal! No better way to reach a lady’s heart,” Sanji advised, though his eyes were on said lady, who somehow hadn’t overheard any of this yet despite them making no efforts to be quiet about it. The Heart Pirates burst out laughing.

“Haha! Cap can’t cook! He’d kill the poor thing!” Law glared at them, devising some new punishment for when they set sail again to get back at his friends for their teasing.

“THEN I SHALL WOO THE LADY MYSELF!” Sanji yelled, eyes forming into full hearts as he swooned around their group. Law found himself wishing the floor would swallow him whole. This was the last time he ever hung out with anyone. Ever.

“Noooo! Just give her meat, Torao! Everybody likes meat!”

“That doesn’t work on everybody, idiot!”

“I’ll go over and talk you up, Torao! No one can resist a story by me, ‘brave warrior of the sea’, Usopp!”

“She’s SUPER cute, definitely go talk to her!”

“Captain, do you think she knows any female bears?”

“THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE CONCERNED ABOUT?!”

“Ask to see her pant-AHH!”

“STOP ASKING PEOPLE THAT!!”

With each new sentence thrown at him, Law could feel his headache grow, his brows twitching in annoyance until finally he couldn’t stop himself from standing up and shouting, “I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!”

“Help with what?” Came an innocent voice from behind him. Law felt the color drain from his face as he turned around to see her standing there, eyes shining up at him with curiosity. He stood there staring at her, not sure if there was anything he could say that would make this situation easier on him.

He was going to kill every single one of them.

“Ok then,” she laughed when he didn’t answer her. “Trafalgar Law, right? I believe we’ve met before?”

He gulped, once again contemplating the possibility of the floor becoming very hungry for vaguely Trafalgar-Law-Shaped things, but unfortunately that didn’t seem to be happening any time soon. “I don’t keep track of everyone I come across.” He said rather bluntly, pleased that no matter how much of a mess he was on the inside, that didn’t reflect in his words.

“Well if it jogs your memory, you ended up getting us out of a bind with some Marines quite a ways back. Pretty sure it was on accident, but thanks nonetheless. Of course, you also took something of my captain’s, so I should be gutting you where you stand right now.”

He, of course, remembered the entire interaction. Both pirate crews had come across a rather large Marine warship, though by the time Law got there, her ship was about to be boarded. He was still on his way to becoming a Warlord at the time, and so used the opportunity to dispatch the Marines and take the captain’s heart, adding it to his collection until he could turn them in for the Warlord’s open spot. She’d tried to fight him for it, at the time, challenging him for her captain, and crew’s, honor. He’d merely gone back to his sub and left, using his devil fruit for a quick getaway, but she’d left an impression that he couldn’t get out of his head. Things would’ve been easier if they’d never crossed paths again, he thought, but even after all this time his infatuation with her had only grown. It didn’t help that he’d poured over her wanted posters as they popped up in the newspapers, but it seemed like no matter what he did, she wouldn’t leave his head, nor would those sparkling eyes of hers daring him to take her on, despite having known who he was.

He didn’t tell her any of this of course, the floor wasn’t quite ready to eat him alive just yet.

“So why aren’t you?” He asked instead, genuinely curious though trying not to let that on. A fight with her would be a shame.

“Eh, he was a shitty captain,” She said rather nonchalantly, shrugging her shoulders as if it was a fact. He had to agree to some extent; from what he remembered, her captain had all but handed his heart over himself. “Got someone much better in charge now.”

“Then you’re doubly welcome,” Law said, ignoring the many eyes piercing his back as they watched them talk. He was surprised at how easy this was so far, but he still didn’t want to do this with them all watching.

Not that he really planned on continuing the conversation at this point. He figured they were done.

“Hey, you wanna go for a walk or something? You seem like you could use some air,” She offered, expression completely innocent, though he was floored that she could read him that well after only brief meetings. He could still feel the others’ eyes burning holes in his back, could practically hear them urging him on; so Law gave a great sigh as if it was a huge inconvenience to him, and nodded, following her away from the crowd.

Once away from the group, he found it was actually easy to be near her. They didn’t talk, merely walked in companionable silence, exploring the area that was apparently very popular for pirates.

“You know, I saw you looking at me before,” she said, causing his breath to hitch just ever so slightly in alarm at having been caught. Dammit.

“I was looking at everyone. Better to assess a situation before any shit hits the fan.”

“See, I’d believe you if you hadn’t kept looking at me,” she laughed, not seeming at all upset by it. He raised a brow at her, trying to figure out what game she was playing. She just continued to stare back at him with those eyes that made heat flush through his body. “It’s ok, you know. I was looking at you too.”

That actually made him pause, staring at her as he short-circuited, unsure how to proceed. Oh sure, he’d slept with plenty of people in the past, but he’d never felt anything for them. If all he wanted to do was “get laid”, as Shachi put it, this would’ve been no sweat.

Damn feelings, making everything so complicated.

“Were you looking to try challenging me again?”

“Ha! I knew you remembered me!” Fuck, he’d slipped up. He could no longer call himself neutral in this. He stood rooted to the spot as he tried to come up with a response that wouldn’t give himself away completely. “But no, I just thought you were pretty cute.”

“Cute?!” She nearly collapsed in a fit of giggles, leaning against a tree for support. Law regarded her for a moment, trying to decide if she was telling the truth or if this was all some weird trick to get back at him for taking her captain’s heart. He stepped closer to her; before she realized it he’d trapped her against the tree, leaving no room for escape. She looked up at him, cheeks flushed, eyes smoldering in a way that mirrored his own expression. “Cute, hm, Name-ya?”

She smirked, “You even know my name, hm?” Law didn’t respond, instead capturing her lips with his own as he pinned her against the tree, her hands reaching around his neck to settle in his dark hair. Her touch on his skin was electric, sending shocks through him at every tug at his scalp; his own hands grasped at her hips, touching the bare skin under her shirt and sending shivers down her spine. He waited a moment for her to protest, and when she didn’t he slid his hands higher, cupping her breasts through her bra under her shirt.

He slid one hand under the bra, kneading the flesh there and eliciting delicious moans from the girl in front of him, while his other hand travelled to the front of her pants, playing with the button and zipper for a second before slipping his hand down the front of her jeans. He smirked against her lips as she gasped, bucking against his hand as he reached between her legs, playing with the sensitive skin there. Law moved his head, kissing under her jaw down to her shoulder, relishing in the sounds she was making, glad that they’d moved far enough away from everyone that no one could hear what was going on.

He groaned as he felt one of her hands brush against the outside of his jeans, having grown hard before he even realized it. His body wanted her touch, craved it like he hadn’t craved another person before, but he didn’t want to rush through this. His hands slid away from her body, causing a small, but arousing, whine to fall from her lips as he grasped her shoulders, spinning her around and pressing her against the tree once more.

Law pulled her jeans down around her thighs, just enough for him to get a good view of her ass, before resuming his ministrations from before; one hand on her breast, the other between her legs, as he pressed his clothed erection against her behind. At this point, all she could do was hold herself up, her legs trembling as he worked her near climax. As her moans grew in pitch, slowly turning into cries of pleasure, he slowed, causing her to rock her hips against his hand in hopes of keeping the same pace he’d had. Instead, he pulled away, peeling his jacket off and laying it on the ground, then pulling his jeans open, allowing his member free as she turned around to face him again.

Her cheeks were a gorgeous shade of red, her eyes glazed over in lust despite him having cut her off before orgasm. He gave her another searing kiss, guiding her to her knees to kneel in front of him on his jacket. She didn’t need any further instruction, taking him fully into her mouth almost immediately, to his surprise. His hands wound into her hair, pulling her head back in a way that let him control the pace for now. She looked him straight in the eye as he did so, causing his arousal to grow even more. A quick glance over her body showed him something he didn’t expect: she was touching herself while she sucked him off, apparently still peeved that he hadn’t finished what he’d started yet.

That wouldn’t do.

He pulled her off him, surprising her at how sudden it was, then flipped her around before grabbing a condom from his pocket, though not putting it on yet. He pushed her down by the shoulders, keeping her on her knees as he knelt by her, teasing her clit once again with his fingers. She rocked against his hand, all but begging for release, but he wasn’t quite ready to give it to her yet.

“Patience, Name-ya,” Law said, smirking against her hip as he lay kisses along her skin, nearing her clit but not close enough.

“Oh fuck you,” she whimpered, eliciting a low chuckle from him as he kissed her inner thigh, causing her to bite her lip.

“How bad do you want it, Name-ya?” He drew his tongue over her clit, to her opening, in one slow, agonizing stroke, cause her to clench up and let out a whine that almost made him give up control right then and there. He wanted to taste more of her.

“Please, oh please,” she begged easily. “I want it so bad. Please just make me cum.” He groaned, not expecting such an earnest request, but more than happy to oblige. Law lapped at her pussy a few more times, savoring every sound she made, before leaning back to put the condom on. He knelt behind her, teasing her with his cock for only a moment before entering swiftly and easily, letting out a satisfied sigh at the feeling.

Law began slow at first, letting her get used to him, then picked up the pace as he drove into her, pushing her face into the fabric of his coat, muffling every cry she made. Which was probably just as well, as he wanted to avoid anyone walking in on this. He knew they both were close, and it wasn’t long before he felt her walls clench around him. He leaned forward, mouth at her shoulder as he thrust only a few more times and came himself, groaning into her skin, their sweat mixing as they lay against each other, panting for breath.

He pulled out of her with a deep breath, suddenly exhausted. They got redressed in silence, not even looking at each other until Law couldn’t find his hat. Turning towards her, he found it in her hands, but what was more surprising was the smile on her face. It was...shy, almost embarrassed, and he worried what that meant about what just occurred.

“Here,” She said, handing his hat to him. “Umm, this is probably going to sound stupid but...I’d like to see you again. Not just to do that, though that was enjoyable, but...I dunno, I’d like to spend time with you. If that’s ok. I totally understand if not.” She wouldn’t look at him, and his eyes widened at what she was saying.

“...I’d like that,” He was more surprised that he meant it.

It may not be how normal relationships started out, but he supposed, he wasn’t exactly normal.

“Definitely cute,” he heard her giggle beside him. Law smirked, kissing her one last time to shut her up, before they headed back to their respective crews.

#trafalgar law #trafalgar law scenario #one piece #one piece scenario #not safe #thanks for the ask!#was going to write more for tonight but this ended up being 7 pages long and I got a migraine halfway through so no more tonight #hopefully tomorrow

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fuckthisblog · 4 years ago

Video

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I need to spend more time on tumblr I forgot how calming this was.

I haven’t blogged since April it looks like so fuck...uuhhhh i used to make mini timelines on here and idek how to sum it all up but imma give it a shot for future me cause i always like to come back and read these - gonna go back in time a little to get the full covid picture but it ends with talking about the woods walk that lead to this video which brings me SO MUCH JOY

march 12th ~ last day i was at clinicals before it cancelled april 1st - online class stuff officially starts happening it probably happened before this but this is when i made a record of it. started anatomy review n shit for big ass exam april 5th - judging by my writing.. depression kicks in hard but also studying WAYYY too much every damn day april 14th ~ big deal first job interview april 17th ~ did the breakup thing, think that was the last time i wrote on here april 29th - found out big ass certification test on may 20th is scheduled for TBD ~ also found out i got the job but awsjhcfksdjhk now certifcation is postponed for got knows when may 1st - journal says “i got to see syd and i feel better”, dont think i realized how hard the breakup feels were hittin me cause i remember casually hanging out n then suddenly crying may 13th - slept through last day of my fucking class like a goddamn depressed dummy may 18 n 19 n 20 - miss kitty to the er, and then to her nuero appointment and they think brain tumor but cant afford MRI but prednisone instantly makes her better. all the scared feels of losing her and class being done and no certification exam in sight and just general awful nothingness floating through the void (still studying way too much everyday day) seems like i saw kirk like every other weekend idk how to feel about that im the worst w clean breakups may 21st ~ technically ive graduated but it feels like nothing. also idk if he did it this day or the next but kirk dropped off flowers and a card and a you did it! smiley face thing with a grad cap on that yells YOU DID IT whenever u touch it lol may 26th ~ study sesh w shawna n jordan i know i did other study seshs w them too but idk when, and then home and parents had signs made on the lawn to congratulate me graduating, and then sydney got dropped off and we headed to rhode island may 28th ~ very interesting/bad/idk wtf mushroom trip. adderall was still in my system and i dont think my body liked that mix and then i took xanax to try to calm down but theyre not pharm approved xanax so i just lost some time but syd took awesome care of me and we laughed about this weird juicy couture dress idk even though it was bad it was great cause i was with her. i do remember petting miss kitty and she had like overlapping colored outlines and looked very ethereal and it kept me calm while syd was outside. before the trip was great too i went to ocean state job lot and syd and i made a bonfire and ate donuts n delicious coffee milkshakes honestly it was all great slept entire day after bad trip but then wokeup and immediately started studying again lmao june 1st - called the people to try to get my test scheduled but that was a no go june 4th - letter arrives can actually schedule test - schedule for 16th STUDY STUDY DIE DIE DIE STUDY DIE STUDY DIE SHdkjceshkfchsdjc june 16th - FUCKIN PASSED MY TEST june 30th - mask fitting n stuff july 1st - good hangs w syd im lucky to have her july 5th - go to the fells for the first time in FUCKIN FOREVER cause syd and lucas were going n invited me and im so happy they did swimming felt so good omg july 7th - first day o work july 10th - officially scrubbed in again, feels good, but exhausting july 21st - all nighter where connor tells me he never loved me but in the context of an actually really good heart to heart session (which weve been having a bunch of latelyp) im upset but also not at all, work is exhausting but ive started taking my antidepressants again (literally that morning lol) and i go for a woods walk n swim after, and a deer follows me in the forest and its magical and life is good july 22nd - fuckin slept through work and thats never happened so been pushin myself a bit too hard july 25th - yesterday, worked saturday w j so we’re the only tchs there and did 2 lap apps and a hemiarthroplasty and it was good but also a little discouraging idk if this career is for me

and that about brings it up to today. talking to kirk less which is good for both of us. connor and i having lots of heart to hearts n genuine friendship chats. glad thats come full circle. lucky to have syd in my life. just generally idk that bears repeating haha i love her and writing this is realized how many times i wanted to write “and then syd made everything better” - she was the first person i called after i passed my test and she started screaming for me cause she knows me and knows my past and how hard ive worked and idk just a lotta love there. im lucky. word end of things idk wtf is going on but does anybody really? hahahaha. this career is not for me and i know it deep down but ill finish orientation before i do anything. but as of right now even though lifes good it kinda feels bad cause almost everyday im sweating and shaking and in so much fucking pain for a 10 hour shift and then i come home and collapse. antidepressants are helping though. i havent been on them for the entirety of my program/job so i thought that the job just came w this sort of exhaustion. but now im remembering theres after work tired and then theres depression tired.

#personal #video #deer #woodswalk

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maxhoemo · 6 years ago

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i really have no idea how you're gonna make this work, but how about maxian pornstar au?

Max felt hot underneath the big studio lights on set. The entire crew surrounding him as they set up the shot, he suddenly felt extremely nervous. He had never “performed”, so to speak, in front of people before. At least, not anybody he could see. He had been camming for a few years now and had grown quite a following. He had a high sex drive, as he assumed most young guys did, but was always too scared to hook up with anybody. But the idea of being a porn star always did seem kind of glamorous. Being on web-cam though, it was so much less nerve-wracking. The people were just numbers on the screen, or usernames in the chat. He could still get positive re-enforcement without having to fully commit to being intimate. It was fun. Not to mention a great source of income. He knew he was gaining quite a following, but he hadn’t been expecting an offer to appear in an adult film. $4000 for a two day shoot, he’d be crazy to turn it down. He’d been putting himself out there so much, he figured he’d be able to do it. But now he was thinking that maybe he didn’t think his decision all the way through.

The director was whispering something to a PA, pointing at Max. was he doing something wrong? He decided to check over his script again to distract himself. He was playing Max (guess they wanted to cash in on his internet following), a rich, slutty (of course) teenage twink with a crush on his pool’s lifeguard. How creative. He half expected to be playing a college student ordering a pizza….

“Okay, lighting’s good.” He heard a crew member say, causing him to look up.

“Thanks for standing in, Max,” the female director smiled. “Why don’t you get your wardrobe and we’ll meet back on set in 10.”

God, even the crew looked like porn stars… He didn’t look nearly as perfect as these people, he felt a little inadequate. When he peeled off his t-shirt in wardrobe, he gave it a sniff. Phew. He wasn’t sweating. At least not much… He tossed it on a chair, hearing someone entering. “H-hey! I’m in here…”

“Dude, you’re gonna be sucking my dick later,” the guy laughed. “You’re really concerned with me seeing you changing?”

Max had to laugh too. When he put it like that. “Guess you’re right. So, you’re Ian Hardik, huh?” He had seen the guy in porn before. In fact, when he was younger and first discovering his sexuality, he had a bit of a crush on the guy.

“That’s what they call me. You’re the camboy?”

Max nodded. “Yeah. I feel kind of out of place with you guys though.”

“Hey, don’t worry. I know a lot of us have the whole Barbie and Ken look going on, but you’ve got that boy-next door thing. People like that.”

“Are you sure?”

“They wanted you to be here,” Ian smiled.

“Yeah. Guess I’m just a little nervous,” he shrugged, looking around for what costume was labeled his.

“Don’t be. Tasha’s really cool. If you gotta take a break or whatever, just say so.”

That wasn’t exactly what he was nervous about, but it was too complicated to put into words. So, he just nodded. It would seem the only costume piece layed out for him was a pair of high-waisted, gold booty-shorts. “These look like they’re right out of the seventies….”

“Actually, I think those are left over from a disco thing we did.”

“Really? Come on, I thought this was supposed to be like, a billion dollar industry.”

“Most of that goes to the talent,” he explained. “So production is pretty cheap. Lucky for us though.”

“Haha, yeah.”

….

When filming began, Max was actually surprised. He was starting to find it pretty fun. Dressing up and reciting cheesy lines, it was actually a good time. But then it came time for the first sex scene. The blowjob scene. Max did as he was instructed, sinking to his knees on the pool deck and pulling down Ian’s red lifeguard trunks. His erect cock now inches from Max’s face. It was the first time he had seen another man’s dick in real life, and it was practically touching his nose. He knew what to do, more or less. He’d done it to dildos on his livestreams hundreds of times. The real thing couldn’t be much different. But he found himself overcome with stage fright. He sat there on his knees, like an idiot, just staring awkwardly at Ian’s penis.

“Max, something wrong?” Tasha asked.

“I umm… Could I just… Get some water or something?”

“Sure.”

A PA handed him a plastic water cup in just a few minutes, not really giving Max enough time to psyche himself up. He gulped it down, handing the cup back. He would just have to do his best…

As the cameras started rolling again, Max took a deep breath and counted to three in his head. He took Ian’s cock with one hand, and slid it into his mouth. Just like he did with the toys. As he started to work it, he thought he was doing pretty well, until…

“Owe! Fuck, stop, stop…”

Max took Ian’s dick from his mouth, looking up at him. “Sorry! Did I hurt you…?” He felt his face heat up, wondering if anyone could tell.

“Just… Try not to drag your teeth on my skin.”

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry! I didn’t realize…”

“It’s okay.” He could tell Ian was trying to be understanding, but he couldn’t help feeling humiliated. These were all professionals, and Max had probably just given the guy the worst blowjob of his life.

The crew decided to break for lunch and pick up filming after.

….

“I’m really sorry…” Max told his co-star at lunch.

“Max, really, don’t worry about it. Everyone fucks up their first time.”

“You could tell it was my first time?”

“I meant on camera… Wait, was that your first time blowing a guy?”

Max didn’t answer, choosing instead to take a large chomp from the end of his carrot.

“Here, want me to show you?” Ian asked. Max looked over, not quite sure what he was getting at. “Look,” he went on. “Just, kind of, fold your lips over your teeth like this.” He demonstrated.

Max laughed. “That looks fucking stupid…”

“I know,” Ian returned the laugh. “But it looks better with something in there. Look,” He took his corn dog from his plate and demonstrated the technique for Max. It was ridiculous. He was sitting next to a porn star, blowing a corn dog. Yet, the way he slid it in and out of his mouth, coating the wiener in saliva. It made something in Max stir. He pulled the food item from his mouth with a pop, and then took a bite. “You try.”

Max put his lips over his teeth like Ian had showed him. It felt uncomfortable, honestly. He took his carrot and practiced like he’d been shown, locking eyes with Ian. Looking for re-assurance. He seemed to approve. Max removed the carrot, giving Ian a side-smile.

….

Ian pulled down Max’s shorts, as he was bent over a lawn chair. Even though there were lights and cameras and people all around them, when Ian touched him it felt like they were the only two people in the world. No wonder Ian was so popular. Even just grabbing Max by the hips made Max crave more and more of him.

He could feel Ian’s tongue teasing his hole. He licked him, eating his ass like a professional (which he was). Max’s eyes glazed over, becoming half-lidded. He melted into the soft cushion of the lawn chair, letting out a soft “Mmmm…” His asshole twitched. Ian was a thousand times better than when Max fingered himself. He always assumed professional porn like this was more like going through the motions. But Ian really seemed to be putting his all into it, working to pleasure Max. Maybe he was doing it especially for him, to put him at ease…. He bit his lip, letting a moan slip out. Suddenly, Ian stopped. He felt his mouth leave his behind, leaving Max bent over with his ass in the air. Disappointment showing on his face. He wiggled his ass a little, hoping Ian would start again, but he soon figured out that part was over. He frowned.

Although, what happened next he was not prepared for. Nor expecting. Filming stopped. Max looked around. “We just do this so you don’t get hurt, okay?” the director told him. He looked behind him. A PA in a latex glove was squirting a generous amount of lube from a bottle onto her hand. She began to slather it on Max’s ass, sliding her finger in and out. It was cold and surgical. Uncomfortable, and frankly, Max found the whole process bizarre. (And maybe even a little embarrassing. But he was too proud to admit it.) He focused his gaze on a particular spot on the chair. Right where one of the polk-a-dots met a seem, splitting the pattern in half.

He wasn’t sure how he was going to go straight back into filming a sex scene, but these guys really liked to move things along. Still bent over he chair, he lifted his face, shaking some hair from his eyes. Ian didn’t waste any time entering him. He thought his first time with a real person might be painful, but fucking himself with a dildo on webcam every weekend seemed to have prepared him for the experience. He closed his eyes, wanting to once again forget about everybody else. So that it could feel like only he and Ian were in the room. With every thrust, he found it easier to do so. His asshole quivered and clenched around Ian’s massive dick. Being fucked by a real-life cock was so much more pleasurable than he could have imagined. Especially considering that cock belonged to a professional. Without thinking about it, he found his hips jerking back to meet Ian’s thrusts. He moaned, feeling his own dick beginning to leak. Ian was just so fucking good at his job. He once again had to wonder if Ian wasn’t putting extra effort in to making the experience as good as it was. Knowing it was Max’s first porno shoot and all. He hadn’t expected to get any genuine pleasure from such a rehearsed scenario. Much like the experience with the lube had been. “Oh fuck…” he heard himself say. No. The way Ian was fucking him, so good. It had to be intentional. Maybe he really was attracted to Max and wanted to make a good impression. Max was starting to think maybe he was attracted to Ian too.

By the time they were filming the blowjob scene again, Max was positive he liked Ian. And he was sure Ian must like him too. The way his hand rested in his hair was just too gentle to be pretend. As Max sucked Ian off, just like he’d been taught, he kept his big green eyes open. Looking adoringly up at the porn star. He didn’t even hear the director praise his choice, and how well it fit his character. Ian soon came down Max’s throat, and again on his face when he pulled away. Max was directed to lick up as much as he could, and he happily obliged. Gazing up at Ian as he did so. He licked his cum coated lips. Wiped what was on his face with his fingers and fed it to himself. Then he licked Ian’s dick clean. He had certainly never pulled a move like that before.

“You missed some…” Ian pointed to a small drop on the tile. Max, with a grin, bent down and licked up off the ground. It was slutty, and totally degrading. And he fucking loved it. He would happily be the cumslut to a gorgeous porn star who fucked him senseless every night.

And it wasn’t just that. Ian was funny, and he’d been so kind and understanding towards Max. He liked him. And he was sure Ian liked him too.

As Max showered and got dressed into his normal clothes, he thought about asking Ian out. Or maybe Ian would even ask him. He never had much want for a relationship before, but the idea of having Ian as a boyfriend seemed very appealing. If he was going to have one, he wanted it to be a guy like him.

He put his t-shirt back on and checked himself in the mirror. Walking down the hall of the house they had filmed in, he wondered if he should just ask.

“Hey, babe.” For a split second Max thought Ian might be talking to him. Of course he wasn’t though. Max could see that clearly when he was he was talking to someone on a phone. “I’m on my way home,” he went on, kissing whoever it was through the phone. Max felt his stomach drop, and his cheeks heat up. How could he be so stupid? Ian had a boyfriend… Or a girlfriend already. He fucked for a living, he probably was completely emotionally numb to it now. Or more likely, an expert at compartmentalizing. He had someone. He just saw Max as another co-worker. Not like stupid, naive Max. Unable to fuck without some stupid emotional connection forming.

On the cab ride back to his hotel, he stopped feeling sorry for himself. Instead, he began to feel a rage building in his chest. An intense jealousy at whoever Ian had been speaking to. Ian was probably perfect for Max and now he would never even get a chance with him! All because some stupid idiot met him first! He hoped they broke up. But as soon as he did, he felt bad. Ian was probably happy with this person, and Max didn’t even really know Ian. He shouldn’t feel this way, but he couldn’t help it. He was sure in another universe, he and Ian would make a great couple. He had been Max’s first crush (or at least, the first intense one he could remember) and now those feelings had returned. They’d just had sex about 30 minutes ago after all. No matter what logic told him about the situation, he couldn’t help feeling depressed that he’d never get to experience being with Ian. He felt empty and helpless over the situation. But guilty for feeling it.

When he got back to his hotel, he flipped open his laptop and sat in bed. It may seem strange, but his audience of adoring fans were always a pick-me up when he was feeling down. The stereotype was that only perverts and weirdos watched cammers, but he always found that everyone was so nice. He read a couple of comments on his profile. He had a perfect five star rating.

tokendrunk: ★★★★★ Max is the perfect combo of sexy and funny! Makes his shows really fun and intimate :)

zanyherpes: ★★★★★ great streamer. feels like hanging out with an s/o or fwb. Best camboy on here.

daddy_gamer: ★★★★★ a really hot and cute male streamer. quickly became a fave of mine ;)

Max smiled to himself. Reading his nice comments always helped his anxiety. He slipped off his shorts and underwear, leaving only his long shirt and socks. He decided he’d start a stream right now. Fuck it! He hit ‘stream now’, giving the camera a wave. Already, he saw the numbers start to rise. “Hey, guys,” he smiled. “I know it’s not scheduled, but I just felt like getting on camera for a little while. He glanced over at the chat. They obviously didn’t have a problem with that. He shifted the camera angle, so that more of his body was visible. He sat so his t-shirt covered him up (for now).

MannyPad: Why are you in a hotel??

Nirmala: where are you?

“Remember when I told you guys I got asked to be in a porno? I was filming that today…” he explained, a grin involuntarily growing. It was still pretty cool he’d been approached, there was no denying. He made small talk with the chat for a few minutes, as he normally did.

Tigletonmain tipped $25

“Thanks, Tigletonmain. That guys always giving good tips.”

Tigletonmain: Use the vibrator ;)

“Aww, guys. I didn’t bring any of my stuff. I wasn’t planning on streaming. I was just feeling kind of down to be honest….”

SexIpecac: noooo :(

Sin30_3Gross: what why??

TechCunt: max sad makes me sad

Max sighed. “Do you ever just…. Have you ever felt sad for something that wasn’t even real? Like, you know it’s stupid but you just can’t help but feel like it? You know, it’s really hard to have sex with someone and completely remove your emotions. People say fucking on camera is hard but no, that’s the easy part. Fucking without feeling anything at all, that’s what’s hard.” He remembered back in high school. All the stupid things kids used to say about sex. Particularly, that girls get permanently attached to who they lose their virginity to because of some kind of female chemical. It was obviously all bullshit, but Max felt like that was exactly what had happened to him. Ian was just a guy living his life, and Max had projected all kinds of stupid thoughts and feelings on to the guy. All because of some stupid scripted sex scene which happened to be Max’s big virginity loss. Filmed for the whole world to see. “I feel so stupid. I’m all depressed and shit over nothing. But I can’t help it.” He glanced at the chat. “Yeah, very true. Human emotions are complicated…” He slipped a finger inside his mouth, absentmindedly sucking on it. Even this really seemed to get his audience excited. He smiled at that fact. “You know what I did today? I gave my first real blowjob.”

Co0kieCute: Hot!

daddy_gamer: Can’t wait to see that!!!

“Yeah. I think you guys’ll like it. You guys wanna see something I learned today?” Of course the chat got excited. Max smirked, adjusting the camera again. He pulled the end of his shirt up, spreading his legs and lying down on his back. He began to masturbate. No fancy toys, just his hand. It reminded him of his early days camming. He made sure to thrust his hips, sensual and slow. Running his hand along his dick in a paced, teasing manner. Putting on a show like this was second nature to him now. It wasn’t too different from what he had done in the past. That is until the big finish. Instead of cumming cleanly into his hand like he did normally, he finished all over his own stomach and chest. Making sure it was in frame. He caught his breath for a moment, then shifted so his face was on screen. Using his hand, he smeared the substance across his lips and licked it off before cleaning off the rest of his fingers. One at a time. What was left on his body, he rubbed further into his skin and over his hardening nipples. “Do you guys like that?” he moaned. The amount of hearts in the chat and donations coming in, it was obvious they had.

…..

When Max went to pick up his check the next day, he was a little anxious over running into Ian again. He just hoped he didn’t let anything stupid slip. At first, it seemed like maybe he’d avoided him. But just as he was leaving with his payment, he spotted Ian coming through the door.

“Hey, Max,” he smiled. “I didn’t get a chance to talk toy you after the shoot yesterday.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“I hope it wasn’t too much. Your first time in porn and all.”

“Oh no, it was actually fine. You’re really good.” Oh fuck, why did he say that? Ian didn’t seem to mind the comment though.

“Thanks. You too, I can see why you’re so popular.”

Max laughed. “Yeah. I guess people see me as kind of a chill dude who also does sex stuff.”

“Oh, I can see that for sure. You ever wanna, like, grab a drink sometime? Or just hang out?”

“Yeah,” Max smiled. “I’d really like that.” He didn’t care what his stupid emotions said. He would love to have Ian as a friend.

#requests #maxian #writing

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dunghillxx · 7 years ago

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So I was encouraged to “journal” to get some of the stuff that runs through my head out..so I’m going to try and do this but knowing me, I’ll write one post and forget I agreed to commit to it and not write another one for months.. oops.

Anyways, I’ll make this post about some of the positive things about my job. And save all the negative depressing shit for a different day, different post.

Let me start by saying that I love my job. I never thought I would find a job straight out of school that I absolutely loved. You always imagine that working for a living will suck and you’ll hate it but you’ll do it because it’s what is expected of you and what needs to be done. You never imagine that it’s something you’ll genuinely love...but I was wrong. My job is everything I had hoped for when I went into nursing school. This job provides me with what I had always hoped to gain as a nurse and I’ve only been a nurse for a year and a half. How did I ever get so lucky?

Although I don’t enjoy working NOC because of the hours, I do love other parts of it. I think I get more face time with my residents working NOC because I have less treatments and “nursing” things to do so I get more time to sit with a resident and chit chat. I would miss that if I worked days because you’re so busy all day long. My little talks with my residents is my favorite part. There’s two residents in particular right now that have imprinted themselves on my little heart and they are the two I want to talk about right now. Although all my residents have impacted me and they all hold a special place in my heart, these two are sticking out to me lately so I want to talk about them to start.

We’ll start with my little lady, M. I took care of her as a CNA. I took care of her husband as a nursing student. I’ve known her for a long time. We’ve grown pretty close since I’ve taken the NOC position on the unit I work on. She is the last resident’s room I go into at night so I would always sit and talk with her for 15-20 minutes and we’d just talk about what was going on and just different little things. I really look forward to these little chats. She’s with it enough to hold a conversation and remember it weeks down the line so it’s easy to talk with her. She always asks about my boyfriend and my family, like she genuinely gives a shit. It’s just nice to talk with someone who is very reminiscent of my grandmother. She’s had a lot of medical issues back to back recently and it’s really been bringing her spirit down. She was coming out of her room less, doing things she enjoyed less, basically beginning to give up because well she was sick and tired and sick and tired of feeling that way. So Rene and I took her out to lunch for her birthday to cheer her up. Man, did she love it. She talked about it for days. She was instantly saying how she can’t wait to do it again and was trying to think of a good place to go for next time. A restaurant she hadn’t tried yet that she had always wanted to. She was happy. And it made me happy to know that we were able to do that for her. But then she got sick, again. And she’s just gotten sicker since then. She’s been in the hospital for several weeks now. I’ve visited her multiple times, but she’s sick and tired (like usual) and she just sleeps when I’m there. She had to have a huge surgery done that I always had a feeling would be the end to her because it was a huge change medically, physically, and emotionally and I just thought it would all be too much for her to handle. And, right now...I’m seeming to be right. She was supposed to be discharged back to our facility over the weekend but since then has gone septic and is now in very rough condition. Who knows if she’ll even get to come home to us or if she’ll pass in the hospital. It’s really hard to tell at this point. I’m hoping she’ll get to come back so she can be with us, her only family, when she goes. But I guess only time will tell. It breaks my heart to know she isn’t doing well and may or may not get better. But I try to remember that day we took her out and how we impacted her so much just by doing something so simple.. but man, does it suck knowing she may not be around to chit chat with sometime soon... :/ I pray things turn around for her because I don’t think any one of our residents deserves to die alone in a hospital..

Then there’s my little man, L. He is very reserved and closed off. Doesn’t really let anyone know what’s going on in his head. He has a lot of medical issues as well and was given some not so lovely news recently, but he never really showed how he was processing it all, because he doesn’t really talk much to anyone. And he’s very stubborn and independent and kind of a grumpy old man sometimes, so I feel like he kind of turned off anyone from TRYING to figure him out. But me being me, took it as a challenge. I know he hates being bothered by us nurses. But I figured, me being a NOC nurse who has to do less “nursing” things to do than the day nurses, and between the choices of NOC nurses, I’d be the one most likely to crack him and get him to open up. So, let the journey begin. I’ve been trying for months to gain his trust and get him to open up to me. I’ve done nice things after nice things, I’ve gone out of my way to do things for him. I’ve done way more than I’ve needed to as a nurse for him. I’ve ALWAYS done what I said I was going to do and done it WHEN I said I would do it so that he could see me as someone reliable. I’ve always been joking and playful with him so he wouldn’t view me as some bitchy nurse who just wants to bother him with something. I’ve researched his chart and his medical background to get a better idea of what’s going on with him and what he’s been through. When he got his unfortunate news, I researched for at least 2 hours on things he could do to improve his situation. I got PT to start working with him again (although he doesn’t know I did any of this, I could tell that it was all turning his bad mood around and he was smiling more and joking around with staff more). So I felt accomplished. He has surgeries and procedures done quite often, I would leave him little love notes wishing him good luck and leave them on his night stand when I went home for the day so he would see them when he woke up. I mean, I’ve been working at him for a few months now. And although I wasn’t really seeing any progress until lately, I did notice that although he still rolls his eyes when I bring needles around and that, he never VERBALLY gave me shit like he did with other nurses and I got smiles far more often than anyone else. So it was the tiny accomplishments that I took in stride.

Anyways, my past two nights on were milestones for the relationship I was trying to build between us. He had recently had a surgery done and he was having a lot of pain and circulation issues in his arm/hand. So I spent over an hour in his room trying to regain circulation in his arm so that I wouldn’t have to send him to the hospital (because he would rather die than go to the hospital). And he was so sweet and patient with me. He let me do what I needed to do. He didn’t give me shit for bugging him. He was open minded to all my suggestions. He was great. And I got him feeling better and the next day he was STILL sweet with me and thankful and told the day nurse that I was so sweet and nice to him and stuff which I felt great about. And then...THEN!!! He had bumped his arm and aggravated his stitches so he needed his dressing changed, so I was in his room changing the dressing and when we were done, instead of just leaving and going back to whatever he was doing, he literally just starting spewing off all kinds of stories from when he was younger. He told me all the jobs he did while he was in the Navy. He told me all about his life when he was younger and how he used to be a little shit and con people and just he went on and on for an entire hour! I’ve never heard him talk so much. And he was LAUGHING and SMILING and so happy to talk to me about it and reminisce. and OMG MY HEART. I couldn’t believe that my months of hard work were FINALLY paying off. He has NEVER told anyone on our unit about what he did for a living or what he did in the Navy. He never talked about his life before to anyone. He always keeps to himself and doesn’t talk about anything. My heart was so full knowing I finally broke down some walls with him. I ended up having to go into work on my day off and instead of just strolling past me while I was at the desk, he stopped and smiled and talked to me and watched me play with the cat at work and we were laughing together at how she was playing. I mean, I’ve never felt so accomplished at work and I can’t wait to see how this relationship progresses. I really hope I end up being someone he can genuinely trust with stuff and talk with. I hope this wasn’t an isolated incident and that our relationship can continue to grow. Although I am competing with my NOC CNA, I think I’ve broken more ground than her so I’ll just keep our interactions private now so that she can’t one up me haha.

These positive things are what I need to focus on with my job in order to stay sane but sometimes all I can think about is the negative. So I’m hoping writing it all out, the good, bad and ugly, will make me feel better. So my next post probably won’t be so much full of happy memories but more of the realistic side of my job because those things eat at me as well... Anyways, until next time!

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buckygirl-fanfiction · 7 years ago

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Sparks Chapter 22

Pairing: Bucky(POV) X Reader(POV) ft. other characters from the avengers team

Word Count: 7.1K

Summary: Going to a club with Bucky and his new “girlfriend”. Feeling overwhelmed bc life is stressful and slipping into old ways. Bucky taking care of you when you’re high out of your mind and having mini anxiety attacks bc contrary to popular belief drugs fuck ya up kids...

Warnings: Drug use.

A/N: I spend months thinking about this particular scene and I had quiet the mental struggle deciding wether I should built up to this or include this. But, I feel like I should bc its something close to my heart... I hope I do it justice. Bc lately i’ve been feeling like my writings been shit. I tried guys.

May 6, 2016

9pm

y/n’s POV

It’s been quite the quiet month. No new attacks or threats. Only downside with quite is the foreboding sense of impending doom that comes along with it. The night looks still from my office window. Even the usually busy friday night traffic of the city seems somehow calmer. I look over at the clock and it reads 9.02pm. I might as well call it a night, i’ve been here long enough for one day. I’ve stopped working weekends so i’ll have the next two days off. Tony doesn’t seem to mind, especially after everything that’s happened. I guess everyone is still walking on eggshells around me, which to me is completely unnecessary.

I walk over to my desk and stuff a couple papers into my bag and sling it over my shoulder. I walk through the lab and notice how deserted it is. Makes sense, it’s Friday night everyone is probably out. The elevator ride down is long and uninterrupted. I don’t know what to do when I get home. Sleep? That’s what I should do. I’ve been trying to take better care of myself. For Cho’s sake, she’s been concerned. But regulating your sleep schedule requires a lot of energy, especially since sleeping through the night never seems to work for me. I just need something… more. I can’t keep living this bland, empty, numb life…

When the elevator dings open to the lobby I step out and spot Bahni standing a couple feet away with her back turned to me. “Hey!” I say surprised to see her. I haven’t seen much of her lately. But I’ve heard enough of her from Bucky to consider her a little more than a casual acquaintance. She turns to face me and she’s shining in a sparkly silver dress and a pair of matching holographic heels. I almost envy her for a second. I crave the simplicity of her life. She’s smart, beautiful, a leader, strong, and somehow still intact. All the things I used to be. Yet, now i’m left feeling like a shadow of my original self. Like i’ve decayed away. Well I have to credit myself as well, so I don’t envy her for long. She does work in legal, her job presents way less life or death situations. What’s the worse she’s faced this month? A lawsuit? I’ve stared death right in the face and i’m still intact aren't I? Well I am for the most part…

“y/n!” she says smiling. “It’s been too long,” she says walking towards me.

“It has. You look great by the way! Headed out?” I ask curiously.

“Yeah. A couple people from legal are going out. I’m just waiting for Bucky we are going to grab a drink before.” She says in an almost unbelievably perky voice. I remember those days, going out with Wanda, Cho, and Nat. Actually having fun. I don’t know why they seem so far off. It hasn’t been that long. I met Bucky what? Almost a year ago? But I feel like all the events that have occurred since then have aged me infinitesimally.

“That sounds fun.” I reply.

“Hey you should come! It’s still early you could always meet us at the club!”

“Thanks but…” I trail off and just as i’m about to make an excuse I reconsider her offer. Maybe this is what I need to finally kick me out of this funk. “That actually sounds great,” I say pulling out my phone to look at the time.

“Awesome so I know the bouncer at the club we’re going to i’ll text him your name and i’ll text you the address. We’re all meeting there around 10 but I mean it won’t matter if you’re late.” She says pulling out her phone. “This is going to be so fun! You haven’t partied till you’ve partied with legal. We know all the loopholes that way you can do all the illegal stuff you want and not get arrested,” she says winking.

“Haha,” I say genuinely, “alright i’ll see you there.” I leave her with a smile and walk towards the glass doors. I walk home through the chill night. It’s getting warmer. There’s still a breeze the memory of winter lingering, but for the most part summer is well on it’s way. It’s calm and peaceful outside and i’m glad to be walking home alone. For a good 3 weeks after the… incident… I had a protective detail shadowing my every move. It got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore so I opted to chip myself instead. That way the tower would always know where I was. It’s a micro tracker implanted in the forearm. A very non invasive procedure as simple as being stuck with a slightly larger than usual needle. Most field agents have one. But, i’ve always been wary of trackers. I value my privacy. But, if it means I didn’t have to be babysat every minute of my life then it was the better option. Now I get to enjoy my late night walk home again. I love walking through the park at night. The breeze in the trees, the dancing leaves, the shadows and whatever lurks behind them all make me forget, even if it is for just a second, about all that is and was and will be.

Bucky’s POV

It’s almost 11pm now and still no sign of y/n. I’m hoping she changes her mind and doesn’t show up. I know she’s not alright, despite the well built wall she puts up I know she’s not okay. What she needs is some calm, quiet rest not strobe lights, loud music, and strangers. I’m with Bahni, the girl loves going out. I imagine from all the times we’ve gone out that we’d already been to every club in the city. Yet, somehow she always manages to find a new one and drag me there. It’s fun I must admit. Although i’m not always a fan. Sometimes it’s nice to blend into the darkness and lose yourself in some music amongst strangers who have no idea who you are or what you’ve done. Her latest discovery a warehouse on the east side that’s been recently converted. It’s crowded and loud and i’m sat by the bar with Bahni and a couple of her friend who are throwing back shots and shedding their week's worth of stress. A part of me wants to cut loose and laugh like the rest of them, but a part of me worries about y/n. I pull out my phone and text her again: ‘are you still coming?’ I scroll up through our messages:

9.34pm Bucky: Bahni told me you’re coming tonight. Are you sure you’re up for it?

9.45pm y/n: I’m fine Bucky. If you can go out so can I.

9.46pm Bucky: I’m not the one hurting right now. It’s okay to sit out for a while.

9.50pm y/n: We talked about this. Stop babying me.

9.51pm Bucky: I’m not babying you i’m just concerned.

9.57pm y/n: i’ll see you there.

9.58pm Bucky: I don’t think you should come.

10pm Bucky: I can come over and keep you company if you’re bored.

10.02pm Bucky: We can stay in and watch a movie.

10.02pm Bucky: Bahni won’t mind she has her work friends with her.

10.05pm Bucky: y/n don’t leave me on read

10.42pm Bucky: Are you still coming?

I sigh when the minutes tick by and she doesn’t reply.

“Bucky come dance with me!” Bahni shouts past the music pulling me by the arm towards the mob on the crowded dark floor. I slip my phone back into the back pocket of my jeans and follow her to the dance floor. I was never much of a dancer since I woke up from cryo. But Bahni has brought some of my old flare back. After about 10 minutes of being lost in the music with her I feel a tap on my shoulder. I open my eyes to see y/n through the flashing colored lights. She’s wearing a short hugging blue velvet dress and she looks stunning. She almost looks like y/n before. The y/n that dragged me places and laughed and was unharmed by current events.

“Hey!” she screams through the music.

Bahni sees her and screams, “You came!”

“Yeah!” She yells. She sounds happy? My concern for her slowly begins to fade away with every passing second. Maybe she is alright. Maybe she’s finally okay. “I’m going to go get a drink!” She says smiling genuinely. Bahni turns back to dancing and I watch y/n slip past the crowded dance floor and towards the bar. For the first time tonight I feel carefree. She looks happy. She finally looks happy.

y/n’s POV

Looks can be deceiving and I’m getting a lot of looks tonight. I wonder which means what. The purpose of tonight was to have fun and since i’m trying to cut back on the binge drinking maybe a guy is exactly what I need right now. I’m sitting at the bar sipping on a cosmo waiting for something to happen, for the alcohol to kick in, for the music to move me, for some feeling. But i’m getting nothing but looks. Maybe I should have called Dean. Maybe some good sex is exactly what I need right now to get my endorphins running. Just when i’m about to pull out my phone a guy walks over to me.

“Hey,” he says. He’s tall and dark and has long curly hair. Just my type.

‘Hey,” I say back smiling at him. For some reason this smile has been stuck on my face all night. It’s odd it doesn’t reflect my true self at all. But I guess it works for me because curly hair is smiling right back.

“My names Clay. What’s yours?” he asks.

“Doesn’t matter.” I say standing up from my perch at the bar, “Wanna dance?”

He takes my hand and leads me through the crowd until we are one with it. Our bodies entwined and moving with the energy surrounding us. I feel his hands on my hips and my short dress riding up, but I could care less right now. I’m caught up trying to chase a high that is seemingly unattainable and it’s so frustrating. It’s never fun when you’re thinking at a party. That’s the entire premise of a dark room with loud music filled with strange people; to stop thinking for just a little bit. To stop thinking about life and regrets and problems. But, even with his hands running up and down my body all I could think about was every bad thing that has happened over the course of the last couple months. What’s worse, I can’t feel anything. Not fear for the future, not sorrow for the past, not anger at the perpetrators… nothing.

“Get me a drink!” I shout past the music. He smiles at me and leads me back to the bar. It’s just one shot, what’s the worse that could happen? I swallow the contents of the glass he hands me and we’re back on the dance floor and i’m slowly losing myself in the music again. Or at least i’m trying to. His knee is between my legs, his hands on my waist. I slowly feel every wall i’ve built come crashing down one at a time. Wow, for just one shot I feel pretty free right now.

“Wanna get out of here?” he yells in my ear and I take a step back stumbling a little to look at him.

“You know what I think i’m just drunk enough to say yes to that,” I say giggling. He takes my hand and navigates me through the crowded floor towards one of the exits. Once we’re outside I feel a slight chill run through me. It’s surprisingly warm for May and I stumble towards the wall along with him. We’re in a alley behind the warehouse and I can see the streetlights slightly illuminate the dark concrete floor. I’m back to chasing something trying to find the little piece of euphoria that i’m desperate for. It shows in the way I pull him towards me clashing my lips with his. He backs me up against the brick wall of the warehouse. I don’t feel anything though. I don’t feel the passion that usually comes along with a really amazing kiss. But, i’m determined to feel something. Every second that goes by the more tipsy I feel. I barely had anything to drink, wow my tolerance must be slipping. I can’t seem to think straight. This is usually when the euphoria kicks in, but this time it doesn’t. All I feel is a calm run through my limbs. A heavy peaceful calm. I stop kissing him and he notices. Instead he moves his lips down my neck and further south. I lean my head against the brick and look up at the sky, I can see the moon. It’s beautiful. I let him continue his trail down my neck. I can feel his hand slowly move up my dress in between my thighs. Despite everything he is doing the only thing my mind can seem to focus on is how beautiful the moon looks. The white circle contrasted against the dark blue canvas. He shoves his hand under my panties and I instinctively push him off. “I don’t feel anything!” I yell. He smiles at me and says something I don’t quite catch and then he is back on me, his lips on mine. And I try, I swear I try, to feel something, but I just can’t. God what’s wrong with me. I shove him off again and he raises an eyebrow at me, “I can’t feel anything!” I yell again.

“Oh baby I got somethin’ that’s gonna get you feelin’ real good,” he says smirking at me. He takes a step back towards me and lifts up my left leg and hitches it on his hip and grinds his pelvis against mine.

I begin to giggle, “No you don’t understand!!I don’t feel… ANYTHING!” I shout.

He sighs and takes a step back letting my leg fall back down. “I got something that can get you feeling again… if you want it.” He says pulling a small case out of his back pocket. I’m just drunk enough now to be too curious for my own good.

“And what’s that?” I ask. But my question is answered before he has a chance to speak. He pulls out a small white pill and holds it up to the light. I can already feel myself slipping back into old memories. I had some pretty amazing dark times in high school. Coping with the loss of both your parents is always better with some stimulants.

I know what’s waiting for me on the other side of this choice. And despite my state of intoxication I was capable of making a conscious choice. We all have choices in life don’t we. We all have paths to choose and as of now I saw two paths before me. Both equally terrifying: Resign myself to this new numb existence that has now become my reality or let go, just this once, and feel alive. And I want to feel alive so badly. We all have choices to make in life and sometimes the right choice seems so very unclear.

Just when I begin to question how it’s possible for me to be this intoxicated from a shot and half a cosmo I realize he must’ve put something in my drink. I smile at the thought as if the idea of horrifically drugging someone means nothing to me. The thing is I just really didn’t care. I didn’t care when he put the little white pill on his tongue. Or when he kissed me pushing it into my mouth. Or when I swallowed it. Or about anything else…

Bucky’s POV

I’m back at the bar, Bahni is off dancing with one of her friends that girl has so much energy. I look around trying to spot y/n but this place is huge. For some reason when I saw her smiling earlier most of my concern for her faded away. Maybe she will be fine after all…

y/n’s POV

I feel amazing. Like the best day i’ve ever had but intensified and crammed into the span of one minute. All the serotonin stored in my brain finally flows freely through my bloodstream after months and months of nothingness. I suddenly realize this isn’t going to last much longer and time feels almost infinitesimally sped up. I can’t waste this. I push the man who is currently pressed up against my body and he backs off looking at me curiously.

“I can’t feel anything,” I yell again. He’s not working. I have to find someone else.

“Calm down baby,” He says pushing me against the wall once again.

“Get off me!” I yell and when he doesn’t my impatience gets the better of me and I knee him hard and he buckles to the ground.

I stumble back into the warehouse that’s still booming with life and flashing primary colors. Other than the flashes of light, mostly blue, that is illuminating my path everything else is left dark. Darkness is very liberating, even with that random stranger bumping into me every five seconds. I’m caught up again in the beat of the music and the bright shining euphoria that’s running through my entire body, electrifying my soul. But even with some stranger feeling me up I don’t feel anything. The man across from me serves as a brief distraction and i’m lost again flowing peacefully with this great sense of elation. But like always lucidity returns in sharp stabs tearing through my bliss. One second my eyes are closed and I feel rapture then the next everything comes back and i’m left with the fear, the anxiety, that soon this upper will leave me falling all the way back down to reality. I’m not ready it can’t end not yet. I open my eyes and tilt my head up to the ceiling where I see the source of the flashing lights. I feel another pair of foreign lips on my skin and it feels electrifying. I’m lost again, eyes closed and at the cusp of glory, when my anxiety chooses to return. I shove the stranger off of me and start pushing my way through towards the bar. I have to find that guy again. I can’t go back now, not when i’m this high, not when i’m finally this happy. I can’t go back to my numbed existence. I need more. I just need it to stop for one second. I need it to stop for one glorious second in the sun.

Bucky’s POV

I throw back the contents of my glass and venture out into the crowd to find Bahni. It’s a little past 12 and i’m just about ready to drag Bahni back home when I spot y/n pushing against the crowd lost, just as I am. She spots me through a flash of red light and begins to stumble towards me. She looks scared.

y/n’s POV

I’m scared it’s going to go away. The glorious feeling is going to fade away soon. The spin of the universe is faster and every second that passes I can’t seem to get back. It’s going to wear off and I can’t, I can’t go back to nothingness again when i’ve seen what i’m capable of feeling. I have to find that guy again. In my frenzy I spot a familiar face and I forget my anxiety for a second. I smile walking over to him.

“James!” I yell through the music. Once I reach him I put my hands on his shoulders and lean on him.

“y/n?” he says instinctively grabbing my waist trying to steady me. “What’s wrong?” He shouts.

“Nothing!” I say laughing. Nothing is wrong. Everything is perfect and calm and electrifying and eternal and endless. “Dance with me James,” I lean up whispering into his ear and even through the blaring music I know he can hear me.

He seems stiff and I laugh. I wish I could share my euphoria with him, I wish I could make him as happy as I am right now.

“Do you feel it!” I yell closing my eyes and tilting my head up to the heavens. “Do you feel it. I feel it all.”

I pull him closer to me bringing his hands back to my waist. He’s so warm, everything about him is warm. He is summer and sun and light. He is an extension of me. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this connected to another person. Then suddenly every good amazing thing I felt was once again ripped away from me in another moment of lucidity. What am I doing? This is Bucky. But before I could think about that, an overwhelming sense of fear overtakes me. It’s going to go away. This feeling, it's ephemeral.

I can’t let it end. So my panicked mind goes to the next thing it knows to bring itself a little ecstasy.

Bucky’s POV

I am basically holding her up. My arms grasping her shoulders. She looks panicked now, whatever jubilation she had a second ago rapidly leaves her face. She stares at me with wide eyes filled with terror. I’ve got to get her to calm down. Fuck what did she take, I should have been watching her. I knew this was a bad idea.

“Kiss me,” she yells trying to push past my hold once again. But right now she’s fragile little y/n and I’m the strong one. She struggles against my grip to move closer. “Please i’m scared it’s going to stop. I can’t lose it again,” she says and my heart drops at her expression.

She looks like one of those wounded puppies struggling for life, for something to hold onto. I want to help her but I don’t understand. She stumbles a little and I move to catch her. I put my hands around her waist, my fingers dig into the blue velvet of her dress.

“Do you think i’m beautiful?” she asks looking up at me with panic filled eyes.

“What?” I stutter. “God… yes.” I say it as if it’s a private confession being torn from my lips.

My guard is lowered by her words and in a split second she breaks from my grip and pushes her body onto mine. I feel her lips on mine and her tongue along side my own and I forget. I forget where I am, who I am, everything… and I just let it be. It’s the calm before the storm. I feel her arms wrapped around my neck pulling me down and holding me in place. It’s not like I could break away from her now, even if I’d wanted to. She was apart of me now, an extension of me.

y/n’s POV

I feel his warm tongue on mine and I feel the helium move through my body lifting me up again. And in this moment, in this glorious moment, I know that I will never experience another like this in my entire life. It is true euphoria and I don’t know if it’s the MDMA or the kiss or him or me but I know.

I never have and I never will and just like that it’s gone. Time moves so fast here in this magical place. Once something is gone you can never get it back. I try, I try to hold onto it, I wrap my arms around his neck tighter and pull his body towards mine. But it’s gone and I can never get it back. And that’s when the panic sets in again.

Bucky’s POV

Then it’s over. She pushes off of me, releasing me from whatever spell she’d cast. The loss of her lips burned like a brand.

“I don’t feel it!” she yelled past the music surrounding us.

“y/n,” was all I could say and it came out as barely a whisper. Fuck I need to snap out of it, I need to get her somewhere safe. I need to make sure she’s alright.

She takes a wobbly step away from me and stumbles against someone on the crowded dancefloor. I move towards her to help her up but she puts her palms on my chest and pushes me back, “No!” she yells. “You… you don’t work anymore, I need, I need more.” She looks around as if she’s trying to find someone.

y/n’s POV

I’m lost. I see the flashes of light and the people and I feel something comfortingly warm around my waist. I feel the cold air on my skin again and the music is muffled. I’m outside. Back against some brick wall. The high is back but I feel it fading like the waves after a big storm. Like the ocean slowly returning back to it’s calm state.

I’m still holding onto him. I hope it’s him. I can’t see much, everything is so blurry and bright. I feel my way to his left arm and squeeze and i’m comforted by the feeling of hard metal. I run my hands up his chest and grab his collar pulling him back down to me. “God I feel amazing. I didn’t feel anything with that guy,” I say thinking out loud for some reason.

“What guy? Are you alright?” he asks and I can hear the panic behind his tone.

“Haha, I can take care of myself,” I reply.

I hear a sigh and he replies, “I know. I know you can.” He tries to move back out of my grasp, “I’m going to get us a cab okay?”

But I don’t let go, “Come on Bucky it’s not going to last much longer.”

“What’s not?”

“Touch me, God I feel it, don’t you? I didn’t know anything could feel so good, i’m scared it’s going to go away.” I say wrapping my hands around his neck. “I’m scared James, I’m so scared. It can’t go away.”

“It’s okay i’m right here, what did you take?” I hear him say trying to maintain a calm soothing voice.

“I’m scared I don’t want it to stop, kiss me.” I say pulling him back down to my lips.

“y/n. Calm down.” He says pulling away from me. Instead he puts his flesh hand on my cheek and I lean into it. I release my grip on him and put my hands over his holding his warm palm to my cheek.

“Make me feel something,” I beg. Just for a second, I think the warmth of his hand is enough. But then, just like always the fear returns. I feel so empty and numb.

I wanted him to crush my fragile ribs and make me feel something. Oh god I just want to feel something. I knew it would wear off faster than i’d wanted it to. I need to get it back. I just wanted to feel something. Anything, I didn’t care what it was pain, pleasure, despair I would take it all.

“Fuck me, make me feel something.”

Bucky’s POV

I can tell she’s grasping, clawing, at anything to make her feel and it’s tearing me apart because I know just how terrifying that is. But, this isn’t about me. I have to be strong for her. I turn to the street making sure not to let go of her and hail a cab.

“Come on,” I say putting my arm around her. She follows me, thankfully without much protest. Once we’re in the cab she closes her eyes and rests her head on my shoulder. It’s a relatively short ride back to her place. I would take her back to the tower, but I know she wouldn’t want anyone she knows seeing her like this.

Once the car comes to a stop in front of her building I get out first then carefully lift her out. The cab pulls away and I walk her lifeless body toward the lobby door.

“Oh god,” I hear her say from besides me. Then I feel a warm liquid run down my left side. She bends down and pukes. I quickly grab her making sure she doesn’t fall. “I’m so sorry.” she says. “There’s vomit all over you.”

“Are you alright?”

“No god i’m so sorry. I… can. I can wash that for you.” “y/n are you alright. You need to answer my questions alright?”

“I… oh my god there’s so much vomit in my hair,” she says looking down and picking at the strands.

“Don’t worry about that.” I say lifting her face up to meet her eyes. They look lost. “Are you alright? I need to know if you feel okay. So I know if I need to get you help.”

“No! No!” she says in a panic. “I’m fine. Don’t tell Cho.”

The panic is back and I need to calm her down, “It’s okay i’m not going to call Cho. I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

“I am. I.. I just need a shower.”

“Okay, come on.” I say leading her carefully to the door. Once we’re inside she stands at the foot of the long staircase and looks up.

“Do you want me to carry you?” I say looking at her. It’s seven floors up and I don’t want her to fall.

“No.. no I can do it.” She says taking on the challenge like in every other aspect of her life.

It’s a long climb but she finally makes it upstairs. I walk close beside her holding her hand making sure she doesn’t slip. I unlock her apartment door and let her inside. She stumbles towards her bedroom and I run after her. She makes it to the shower and slides open the glass door and turns on the hot water and sinks down onto the tiled floor. I’m beside her and stray splashes of water hit me soaking my clothing.

“Do you need help?” I ask kneeling beside her. Not caring that i’m getting wet.

“No.. no I can…” she pauses. “Bucky?” she says looking up at me. Her hair is wet now and her makeup is running.

“Yes?” I say.

“You’re… you’re getting wet.” She says with genuine concern filling her eyes.

“It doesn’t matter. Do you need help.”

“Yes.” She lets out a small sob. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay I say grasping her hand. You don’t have to apologize okay. Everything is okay.” She looks back down and closes her eyes.

“I’m cold,” she says. I lean over and turn the hot water up. I’m surprised the heat of the water doesn’t melt her skin. Even to me it’s uncomfortably hot but I stay beside her.

I slowly undo the clasp on her heels and take them off and place them to the side. “Do you want me to take your dress off?” I ask.

“Yes,” she says after failing to do it herself.

She leans over and I unzip it slowly. “Can you stand?” I ask maneuvering her out of the soaked fabric while she’s still on the floor would be tough.

“Yes,” she says trying to push herself up.

“Here put your arms around me,” I say leaning over her. She wraps her arms weakly around my neck and I pull us both up. We’re both standing under the water now and i’m completely soaked and I don’t care. It could matter less to me that i’m covered in vomit and standing fully clothed in a shower. I slowly peel the blue dress down her body and toss it to the side. She’s not wearing a bra and she shivers at the loss of fabric. Her arms are still around my neck and I slowly back her towards the wall so she can stabilize herself.

“I’m going to run you a bath okay?” it occurs to me that this process would be much more comfortable if she’s in a nice warm bath. I make sure she can stand and I walk over to the tub and turn on the hot water.

y/n’s POV

It’s so cold and no matter how high I turn the hot water knob I can’t seem to warm up. I pull down my panties and toss them with my dress and sink back down towards the floor hugging my knees.

Bucky’s POV

I turn back around and find y/n on the floor and rush to her. “Hey, hey are you okay?”

“Yes,” she says, “It’s just hard to stand.”

I put my arms under her and lift her up and walk towards the tub. I carefully place her in the hot water and she seems to relax when her skin comes in contact with the scalding liquid. She stretches her limbs in the water and leans her head back. “I’m going to go get a bowl okay? To wash you hair.”

Before I can leave she grabs my arm. My metal arm. “James.” She says. “You are very noble.” I look down at her sitting in the tub. The water slowly rising covering her half submerged naked body.

“It’s okay y/n i’ll be right back.” I say leaving her alone in the bathroom.

y/n’s POV

He’s back in a flash and I can feel him slowly sit me up. I lean my head back and I feel him pour water over my hair. Then his fingers, then a comb slowly combing out the stray chunks of vomit. I close my eyes and feel myself melt into the water. After a while my hair is knot free and clean. I feel a soapy loofa slowly rub my skin and I lean back against the tub and enjoy the calm feeling on my skin.

“y/n?” I hear him say.

“Hmm?,” I hum in reply.

“I need you to tell me what you took.”

“Some good old X,” I say. “MDMA, it was big in the 80s. Were you around for that?” I says with the faintest amount of humor in my tone.

“Yes I was around for that.” he replies.

“You can’t tell Cho okay?” I say. “She will worry.”

“I won’t.”

“Did you know I had a whole drug problem in college. Cho would kill me if she knew what happened tonight.” I say confessing some of my most well kept secrets to him. “It was mostly Amphetamines, back then you know.”

“I didn’t know that.” He says.

“Good, I don’t like people knowing. It makes me feel… less than. I like people knowing i’m strong.”

“You are strong y/n. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve known.” He replies.

“Bucky?” I say.

“Yes?” He replies.

“I’m sleepy.”

“Okay. I can take you to bed.” He says getting up to help me out of the tub. I giggle at his phrasing, “What?” He asks.

“You’ve got to admit we’d have some pretty amazing sex.” I say. Apparently I’m thinking out loud now.

“What?” He says his voice breaking it’s calm and controlled tone.

I slowly put my arm around him and he lifts me up to my feet. I carefully step out of the tub and we walk towards the bedroom. “Admit it. You’ve had to have thought about it.”

“Have you?” he asks after he sits me down on my bed. It’s cold and I feel another shiver go through me. He walks over to my nightstand and digs through the draws.

“I have actually. That’s how I came to my previously stated conclusion.” I say laughing. More at the situation than at him.

He walks back over to me with a sweater and I lift up my arms as he pulls it over me. He lifts my left leg up and pulls it through the leg of a pair of thick grey sweatpants I own. Once my other leg is in he carefully helps me stand up and pulls them up snug against my waist. I sit back down and he kneels in front of me. The room is dark. Neither of us bothered to turn on the light when we came in. The only light in the room now radiates from the bathroom and the streetlights outside my window. He looks into my eyes debating whether to speak or not.

“Why are you so confusing y/n?” he asks finally.

“When am I ever confusing?” I say smiling at him.

He sighs and lifts my leg again one at a time to pull on a pair of fuzzy socks. “Warm enough now?” He asks.

“Yes,” I say lifting my legs over and onto my bed. I slip under my covers and turn towards Bucky who is still kneeling bedside. He gets up and turns, but before he can leave panic grips me and I reach out and grab his arm. “Stay with me.” I say not wanting to be left alone with my thoughts.

“I will,” he says looking down at me. “I’m just going to go shower and clean up okay?”

“Okay.” I say.

I watch him walk away towards the bathroom and I close my eyes. I feel so relaxed like i’m melting into my bed. Like everything in the world is good.

Bucky’s POV

I strip off my sick covered clothes and step in the shower quickly washing myself. I sigh standing under the jet of water. I think I’ve seen her soul tonight. I’ve seen her naked, i’ve seen her bare emotionally I mean. I turn off the water and step out of the shower. I find a spare towel hanging around and wrap it around my waist. I pick up our clothes off of the floor and walk outside back to the bedroom. She’s asleep. Good. She looks peaceful asleep. I quietly walk towards the kitchen and toss our clothes in the wash.

By the time the drier comes to a stop, I’m basically asleep myself. I pull our clothes out and lay out y/n’s dress on a chair and pull on my boxers and shirt. I walk over towards the bedroom and peek my head in. She’s still sleeping. I make my way back out to the living room and lay down on the sofa. I slowly melt into some much needed sleep. This is the fastest I’ve fallen asleep. Usually it takes me awhile, but i’m not even conscious long enough to ponder this idea.

“Bucky, Bucky?” I hear a voice call pulling me out of my sleep. It’s a faint, but i’m a light sleeper and I sit up. It’s coming from the bedroom and I walk towards the sound.

“y/n,” I say poking my head in.

“I thought you left,” she says sitting up.

“I’m here, I was just asleep outside.” I say reassuring her. I walk over towards the bed and sit on the empty side. “Go back to sleep.”

“Stay with me,” she says reaching out for my hand.

“I will. I will,” I say trying to assure her, not wanting the fits of panic she’s been getting all night to return. She pulls my arm and I lay down beside her.

She lays back down and turns her body so that she’s facing mine. Sleep is slowly beginning to wash over me and in between my heavy blinks I can see her watching me.

“I’m not confusing James. You just never ask.” she says smiling at me.

What? Her words echo through my brain. I look at her and her eyes are closed again. She’s peacefully breathing and the sound is rhythmically soothing. I never ask? I never ask. I’ve never told her…

...

More than anything I want to kiss her. Just once more. I want to feel her lips against mines. Taste her. But above all I want to feel her reaction, I want to know what she thinks and feels when she thinks of me. I want to ask her. I want to know if she would pull away, disgusted. Or if she’d stand there, shocked. Or if she’d feel betrayed to find out i’d been hiding behind the mask of friendship while concealing deeper feelings within. Or if by some miracle I’d like to know if she’d kiss me back. Not when she’s high out of her mind but when she’s sober and clear. I want to know how that would feel. Pushing her tiny frame against mine. Her lips moving back in time with my own. Her small hands in my hair. The gasp she’d let out against my mouth. I want to feel all of it. And I can, I can find out the answer to my question right now. She’s asleep next to me.

I can do this, “y/n” I shake her awake and she looks up at me with wide eyes. It looks like she’s almost glowing, an angelic figure. Then I do it. I lean down and gently kiss her. It takes everything left inside me to restrain myself, to kiss her gently, softly. Then I let her go and move my face away from hers to see her reaction, she’s still looking up at me. I’m ready, i’m ready to ask her now. I’m ready to tell her.

“I knew you were plain old vanilla James,” she says before I can speak. She grabs my hair and tugs me back down towards her lips. This kiss was different it was rough and searing. Her tongue invaded my mouth and I was too shocked to react. She tasted like something sweet… mango? She tasted like mango ice cream. Like the ice cream she gave me on our first movie night. James? y/n never calls me James. I stop and pull my face away from hers. “No,” she moans still holding onto my neck. “Don’t you want me James?” She’s glowing. Literally glowing. I move my left hand to touch her glowing face. I know it’s a dream when I see it. Instead of my metal arm I brush her cheek with the fingers of my human hand, the one I lost so many years ago.

#bucky smut #bucky fluff #bucky x reader #bucky fic #bucky fanfiction

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book-n-bean · 5 years ago

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So, I’ve been dealing with - and trying to figure out - this whole bisexuality thing for a while now. I can’t remember the first time I started wondering whether I liked girls, or even the first time I started noticing/liking girls, but I know I started to truly think about it at the end of 2016; I said that I was bisexual. And then I later took that back and then said it again, pushed it to side; absolutely messed with the whole idea of it for ages because I was confused. I was confused about how I could be attracted to both genders, and then I started to question what liking someone really meant and then why I liked boys vs why I liked girls, what I didn’t like about each gender; etc. And it’s not like I sat there for days on end just thinking about it, my thoughts on my bisexuality have always been broken up, I’ve never just sat and thought about it for a while. And maybe that’s just because it’s a hard topic, even as I wrote ‘my bisexuality’ just then I kinda grimaced...because I feel self-conscious about it or wrong, I can’t really explain it.

So...I think the first time I remember really noticing girls was in year 8. I remember being in math class and I was watching other people walk in and this girl, who is now my friend, who’ll I’ll call Selene, came in and I just remember noticing her boobs and thinking like ‘wow they’re kinda big,’ even though they aren’t really? Like they’re not huge, anyway...it was absent minded though, it wasn’t like ‘oh, wow! i’m attracted to her boobs, she’s hot!’ it was just an observation. And then at the end of year 8 we were at the beach with a group of friends and I was like ‘shit, I wish my boobs were like that,’ and that’s the first time I kind of consciously thought about boobs looking good and being attractive; but I still kind of absentmindedly pushed that aside; I was like, it’s not a big deal, because it wasn’t to me at the time.

And yea, my memory has been all kinds of crazy lately, so I’ve been having trouble remembering a lot of things, so I honestly can’t think of another specific time around then that I was thinking about girls, but I do vaguely remembering noticing girls more and more after that. I’m an observant person, so it’s completely normal for me to just notice people and little things about them, but it wasn’t like that, it was the little thoughts that came with observing. And again, it was all absent-minded and I didn’t focus on it, but I remember starting to think ‘oh she’s pretty,’ and stuff that like, I wish my memory was better haha. :(((

Anyway, I came out to my mum and to her boyfriend, at some point, like a year or two ago, i think? Around then. And I can’t remember why I came out to them, what made me do it, what was going on in my head at the time; all I know, is that I came out to them. I can’t even remember who i did it with first, maybe mum’s boyfriend? Anyway, he took it well, he just said it was okay and told me about his sister who’s a lesbian and yea, he hugged me and it was great; smooth. And then I told my mum, and I think she was surprised or she didn’t really believe me, I’m pretty sure she said something like, “really?”. But we sat down, we talked about it, she was asking me all these questions about whether I could imagine being with a girl, kissing a girl, sex, marriage; all that. And she didn’t really agree with it, she told me she believed in a man and a woman and I said that I understood that and that’s half what I’d believed in for a while, but basically, I was just being like, “i don’t know what’s going on, but this is how I feel, this is what I am, so i’m just going to accept that right here right now.” and she kind of just accepted it and it was all good, we haven’t talked about it since then - which is probably because I had a boyfriend at the time and up until about a month and a half ago, woo.

So, yes, I had a boyfriend while I was figuring this all out - and I’m in that stage of hating him and wishing that he would fall off the face of the earth or just disappear for a while so I didn’t have to seem him *cough* forever *cough*. But yea, I remember telling him that I was bisexual and it was pretty chill, he was a little concerned though, and he was kind of selfish? I’ll get into that. Anyway, a little while after that I had one of those Saraha accounts where people ask you stuff anonymously online and you answer them by taking screenshots and people them on Instagram/Snapchat stories, and someone asked me whether I was bisexual. And I was honest, I was accepting it and I didn’t feel like I had anything to hide then, so I said yes. And then my boyfriend at the time got kind of upset and mad about it, he was kind of like, “Why would you post that online? Why would you out yourself online?” but it wasn’t really a big deal to me, like in my mind, bisexuality wasn’t as big as being gay or being straight, it was like, maybe I like girls, maybe I like boys; and at the time I was a bit like, I don’t know I’m just trying to figure it out. So anyway, he was kinda all like “How do you think that makes me look?” And all that, like me being bisexual made him some kind of prop or joke, but I genuinely liked him and was attracted to him. And after that he sort of let it go for a while and we just didn’t talk about it.

BUT THEN...two things happen, like 6 months apart or something like that, maybe even a year or longer. The first, one of my transgender friends, at the time, asked me to hang out with him and be his New Years Eve Kiss, and I was like “sure, that sounds fun, sneaking out, kissing, woo.” Anyway, I had a boyfriend, and in no way really even cared about whether it was cheating (i did a little bit, shush), and that’s when we talked about the bisexuality because obviously, he was upset. So, I was like, “look, I love you, I want to be with you, but I just want this one chance to kiss a *girl* and I promise it’ll never happen again.” and clearly he was still pissed off and upset with this but he agreed, reluctantly. Long story short, it didn’t end up happening, we hung out but we didn’t kiss; I think we both wanted to, but we were both hesitant and it just wasn’t right at the time. And I was glad for it, I remember walking home in the dark that night at like 2am and it was cold and I didn’t have data so I couldn’t text my boyfriend to reassure him of anything, and I know he went to bed sad or he’d sent me a text saying he wish I wasn’t doing what I was doing. So that sucked, and I felt horribly guilty and just sad and incredibly bad for what I’d put him through. But I was glad I didn’t cheat on him and that I didn’t do that. But yea, I do remember now wishing I had taken the opportunity to kiss that friend because I did, and still do have an attraction to them and I’ve always wondered what it would have felt like; but yea, oh well.

Anyway, the second thing that happened, a long while later, was that, again on this Saraha app or something, someone messaged me; “Hey, I like u, okay bye.” and I was like, oh shit, and then she anonymously told me she was a girl and she didn’t want to tell me who she was because I had a boyfriend. But she did end up telling me, andddd that went badly because I had a bit of a crush on her too but I’d been ignoring it. Anyway, my boyfriend was watching all this and he was like “fuck, im losing my girlfriend, there’s this random girl coming after her” so that was fun, and I told him Iiked her too and he was like, “well fuck”. *the amount of times we should have broken up before we actually did is insane* Anyway, the crush ended up dying out, you’re welcome boyfriend. But it was still a thing that happened where I was genuinely, basically for the very first time, acknowledging that I had a crush on a girl, and imagining being with a girl.

So after that happened, I started to venture more and more into this whole bisexuality thing and I really started to think about it a bit more, but again, my thoughts on it would happen like once every few months and then I’d just forget about it because I was busy with my boyfriend. And I’d just like to say, through all of this that I’ve been talking about, it was only girls that I was getting curious about and having feelings for, besides loving my boyfriend and being attracted to him, etc, i wasn’t interested in any other guys; so yea. It was pretty chill for a while, I just kept on observing, noticing little things about girls, no major crushes or anything at all really.

And then, a new girl came to our school, and I didn’t think much of it for a couple of months. And then we started talking and we had a lot in common and were just texting eachother non stop for a while. I remember going to school one monday after we’d been texting all weekend, and I didn’t have a crush on her or anything, I don’t think, but when I saw her I got all nervous and stuff, and I wanted to go and talk to her but i was nervous to do it; which was really weird to me, and I remember thinking, “oh this feels like a crush” but I was thinking generally, not even considering having a crush on her. So I did end up going and talking to her, and we were so shy and nervous around eachother, it was really sweet actually. All i remember was wanting to make her laugh and just loving it when she did laugh at stuff I said because it made me feel so funny; and I just remember whenever I was around her, for ages afterwards even, I just felt nicer and I wanted to compliment her and make her smile and she kinda made me just want to be a nice person and never hurt her, etc.

So then, fast forward a couple of months, to the start of 2019. A group of my friends went to the beach for her birthday, and the entire day, this girl and I were together constantly. We’d be sitting and talking all taking, taking selfies together, we even got some where she kissed my cheek. And when we’d talk, it’d be about serious stuff and then dirty stuff or we’d just be joking around; we always had that balance when we talked about stuff. And for the longest time at the start of this year, I just remember admiring her and thinking about her a lot. Anyway, a little while later, we all hung out at the beach again, and the first thing I thought when I saw her was how cute she looked, like she had her hair in a high bun and she was smiling and wearing a long hoodie and no pants, but a bikini; you get the picture. And she just looked so cute? Like I just wanted to cuddle her, and I realised I really wanted to kiss her that whole day while we were hanging out, I was kinda pushing the thought aside, but not as much as all those other thoughts in the past. So this was my first real intense crush on a girl, not intense, just sort of serious.

So if we fast forward to now, I’ve thought about her tons, we’ve had sleepovers (well, one), she helped dye my hair pink, sleepover wasn't that great bc we got bored really quickly and we were being shy. She did my makeup for a wedding about a month before that which was really sweet. I’m sure stuff kept happening in between, we were really friendly to each other, just being there for each other, texting a lot and just talking about problems, sending memes, joking; all that stuff. We’d even have conversations where we kind of talked about dirty things we’d done or wanted to do, not with each other or anything, just in general. And we’d talk about nudes, we even shared our nudes with each other just because we were like “look at how great my butt/boobs/stomach, etc. looks in this picture” and it was chill but I think we both liked it. I think she told me she was bisexual as well, we had some sort of conversation about that and yea. But a couple months ago, we were just being friendly, we kind of drifted apart since the start of the year, but we got closer and we were just being kinda cutesy? Like hugging each other a lot at school, complementing each other, we even ended up writing each other notes and sneaking them into each other’s lockers or pockets, like song lyrics and just cute little messages. We held hands walking to the bus stop and were just being cute, (I still had a boyfriend) and it was platonic like I don’t remember having a crush on her, it was just cool to be close to a girl, my feelings for her had sort of diminished.

But yea, in general, I’ve had little fantasies about girls and I’ve thought about being bisexual a lot this year. Because I’ve had a huge crush on this guy since the start of the year and it’s still going strong, I had a crush on a guy at work as well but it’s sort of calmed down a lot now. But I’ve also had crushes on girls, well, not really, but the reason I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately is because I am currently harboring a crush on a girl, she’s older than me and she’s cute and it’s so dumb because as if she’d ever want to kiss me or anything. That’s another thing, all it is is kissing, like all I want to do is kiss her, maybe like hang out and get close and text and stuff, but I don’t want a relationship, nor do I want sex. I just want something casual, like being friends but with kissing included, which is dumb. But it’s definitely a crush and it’s basically one of the biggest crushes I’ve had on a girl, besides the other girl that i was just talking about, but this one feels more legit than that crush. Like I don’t know.

I’ve got crushes on boys and girls, I don’t want to be in a relationship because I’m scarred and hurt and trying to get over one, and will be for a couple of months at least. But I wanted to kiss people, like I really want to kiss people. I just keep thinking about running my hands through their hair and making out and just being close to people and casual and friendly and nice and hugging and all that. I don’t know, maybe I’m just lonely but I’ve never really just wanted to kiss people like this before.

Anyway, the story’s almost over now, the last thing I have to talk about right now is the ‘fantasies’. I feel like that’s supposed to be a dirty thing but it’s really not, the way I think of it. So I’ve had like two fantasies. One was a while ago, the first fantasy, and I remember it vividly, sitting in my girlfriends bedroom, on a big bed with a peach coloured doona, the whole room had a peachy sort of glow to it. It was night time, the curtains (peach) were closed, she was sitting behind me against the pillows and I was sitting with my back to her between her legs and she was braiding my hair while we’re watching netflix (not important, but my hair was orange-ish, like light orange, and I think we were watching sex education but im not sure). Anyway, she’s braiding my hair, and she does something likes kisses my neck or I think she wrapped her arms around my neck, like a gentle huggy way, kinda leaning on me, and I turned around and we started kissing, making out. I can’t remember if I got on her lap or not, but I had my hands in her hair and we were just kissing and it was great; I loved the whole idea of it and as soon as I got the fantasy I wrote about it and had a bit of a crisis because I still had a boyfriend at this point and I was like, “oh shit, I really like the idea of that.” And I still do, it’s cute, I’d like that to happen, hehe.

Anyway, the second fantasy was nothing like that, nothing so vivid, it was just me and the girl I’m currently crushing on, and I think we were just making out on a grey bed, and literally it had barely any details or anything to it at all, but my hands were in her hair, on her, we were just making out and it was intense and it felt good, and that’s it. So I don’t even know.

But now that I’m single, I definitely wanted to kiss girls before, but now I really want to kiss girls, and as I said, just people in general; boys, girls, whoever. But right now, it definitely feels more like I want to kiss a girl, maybe it’s just because I’ve written about this and just want it now, but it sucks because I’ve got no girls to kiss. I’ve been considering (barely) confessing my feelings to my girl crush and just being like “can I kiss you,” because i kinda reckon she’d say yes, but if she didn’t like me, at all, then she’d say no and things would be awkward asf between us, oof. So that’s fine, it’s something I’m dealing with.

And the final thing, is that I’m going through all of this alone. I know that’s nothing new, because that’s how I deal with most of my problems; in solitude. But it’s hard, because I’ve got so many thoughts and feelings and pent-up energy and frustrations, I guess you could call them. But I have no one to talk to about it. Because my mum wouldn’t know what to say about it, my friend that I hung out at the beach with and all that jazz has been acting really weird towards me for a while and I can’t figure out what I did and I don’t feel like asking because I know she can pretend things are fine a lot even when they aren’t. And most of my friends are just not prepared to talk about stuff like that, they’re all kind of still immature or they just make fun of stuff like being gay and all that, so it would just be really awkward to have a serious conversation about.

I’ve been thinking about talking to a therapist, but I don’t know who. They don’t tend to help me and I can feel quite awkward talking to them, but clearly by looking at this hour-long bigass rant, I kind of need to talk to someone. And, by the way, I know this is very personal stuff, and I would have written it down in my journal, but that’s a lot of writing and my brain is just overflowing with thoughts right now so I decided this would be a better idea (??).

Anyway, I’d better wrap this up.

I’m bisexual. It doesn’t get much easier every time I say it, because I know that admitting it to myself isn’t the hard part anymore, but dealing with it, the feelings and other people is the hard part. So I don’t know what I’ll do, probably push it aside until the feelings push it back into my head; it’s sort of a cycle. I don’t think I’ll find a therapist to talk to, I don’t think it’s a good idea right now, but honestly? I have no idea what a good idea would be right now, in general; I’m out of ideas for how to deal with my life. I’m kinda just trundling along now, looking around cluelessly and trying my best to be kind and happy and laugh and genuinely just try to feel better, but somehow I’m torturing myself, mentally absuing myself, flipping between positivity and negativity, and even accidentally pushing people away and isolating myself a bit; sooooo things are going great. I’ll figure it out.

But for now, I’d better get my ass to bed because it’s 2:17am, yay, and I’m very tired and will be having some serious trouble tomorrow. Sorry future me, about the mood and the aching tiredness you’re bound to endure, as well as the sleepy bus rides and beep test that you’ll have absolutely no energy to complete.

Goodnight :))))

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thatonedovahkiin · 7 years ago

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Alright long-ass post about Anime Austin this last weekend. Read it if you want but tbh I just wanted to get this off my chest. It’s nothing bad, it’s just lengthy c:

So, this last weekend I went to Anime Austin--a very small, new, convention here. The main reason I went was so that I could meet my absolute favorite cosplayer Leon Chiro (if you haven’t looked at his works please go check them out he is SERIOUSLY the best male cosplayer I’ve seen). When I heard that he was coming to Austin I freaked the fuck out and I wanted to go so so badly but I was worried that I couldn’t cuz..well I’m broke. But I had a really good friend come in clutch and give me a free pass, I can’t thank her enough because if it weren’t for her none of this would’ve been possible. I threw together a quick Gladio cosplay the night before (I made the cosplay in about...4-6 hours) and I made a cup noodle sword (I didn’t want to go as Gladio without a weapon c: ) since Leon was going as Gladio on Friday for a photoshoot and I fixed up my Andromeda cosplay for Saturday.

I was honestly really worried that a lot of people were going to go to this con because of Leon since he is an international guest but to my surprise there actually weren’t that many people. I mean there were quite a few attendees (especially on Saturday) but y’know there weren’t as many as there were at Ikkicon, and I feel like there were more here than at Anime Overload (which is surprising cuz it’s an older con...but honestly not as organized).

But anyway, I went on Friday to go to his panel dressed up as Gladio. I went in the panel room like...an hour and a half before the panel was scheduled to start since I thought a bunch of people would flood in the room but surprisingly there were about..like maybe 20 people in that room? But once he walked in, he saw my cup noodle sword that I made and was like: “Well what do we have here?!” He looked so excited so I got up to go hand him my sword, before he even took the sword he gave me a hug and greeted me then started swinging it around a little bit. Like honestly that sword has no stability whatsoever so I was super surprised it even stayed together as he swung it around everywhere. But throughout the panel I honestly really loved getting to know him and asking questions that I probably would’ve never done through one of his livestreams or just online in general. It was really nice being able to talk with him one-on-one. After the panel I gave him a cup noodle, a pack of M&M’s, and I took a picture with him. He even complimented my scar and recommended a certain SFX product to help make the scar the way Gladio has it (I used gelatin and he recommended Collodion since Gladio’s scar goes in his face, not out) ; v; And I told him that I had a cake for him and he looked so excited about it and I basically talked with his handler (who is the SWEETEST DANG LADY EVER) on when I could get it to them.

Later that day I went in a little panel room and waited since he was doing the FFXV photoshoot, a couple of people came too and it was really nice hanging out with a bunch of other people and talking to them. Eventually we all actually started lining up for the photos and I didn’t go until near the end. He saw that I was there and said hi, and he asked if my sword was fragile, I didn’t give him an exact answer but he was busy at the time so I just waited until he walked out. So he came out after he was done taking photos with someone and took the sword and started swinging it again, just seeing if it was durable and then POP it fucking flew off and everyone started laughing so hard. He looked so embarrassed and kept apologizing to me about it, saying: “we’ll fix it for you, I’m so sorry, we’ll go ahead and fix it” and everyone was offering to go with me to get it fixed and I was honestly so like...happy that everyone was even offering and telling me where I can get it fixed. I told them it wasn’t a big deal since it was just a gag prop and thanked them. I got a great photo with him though with the broken sword. I fixed it in the end though and took it back on Sunday to show him, he still apologized for it ♥

On Saturday I didn’t get to see him for a majority of the day since he was really busy with pre-judging for the cosplay contest. But I did see him when I went to go in for my pre-judging and the poor guy looked SO exhausted. I gave him his cake, a photo of him with my broken sword, and a little note about the cake. I was honestly SO nervous during the pre-judging because I was worried that my cosplay wasn’t good at all and just how I would look in front of the judges, I was even more nervous thinking about my walk-on (but surprisingly I nailed that shit HAHA). But after the cosplay contest I saw him and said hi, he looked so so tired and I felt so bad but I told him I was out for the day and asked him if he was doing anything tonight and tomorrow. He told me he had the late night panel going on and initially I didn’t think of going since it was..well, later in the evening and I was exhausted. But on the drive back home I talked to Branden about it and after some convincing we both decided to go. He didn’t entirely want to because of the drive through downtown but he saw that I wanted to go so he was convinced luckily ♥ After we rested up a little and ate we went back to the hotel to go to the panel and honestly I loved that panel way more than the one on Friday. I felt like it was more close-knit and just fun in general since there were about 10 people at that entire panel, plus I was with good friends! At that panel I challenged him to arm-wrestle me, we got him to talk in a Southern accent, and y’know just had really nice conversations.

After the panel we all just started standing around getting ready to walk out of the room and Leon told us a story about how a young lady a while back gave him a hug when she met him and the next day she told him that her boyfriend broke up with her because of that hug. Branden called it out and was saying that the girl deserved so much better, the boy was fucking garbage, and it wasn’t his fault at all. Leon looked so surprised when he said that and just loved it. We then stepped outside to get prints and I let a lot of people go before me since I knew I was going to take a while. Once it was me and like three other people, he offered to just give us his prints which was honestly the sweetest fucking thing ever. I only took one, and I got him to sign the picture of him with the broken sword. I also asked him to take a couple of pictures and I asked him if I could get one of me giving him a kiss so I could show my mom. He then was like: “I mean, is your boyfriend okay with it? Nothing’s going to happen?” he looked so so worried about it and Branden just straight up said: “No dude, she can go for it. She’s her own person, I’m not worried about anything. I have enough confidence and faith in her like...I’m not one of those, I’m not a jealous guy.” Leon looked so so happy when he said that and was just like: MY MAN. He gave him a huge hug and told him how much respect and love he had for him because of how like...not shitty Branden is as a guy. I told Leon that I’ve known Branden since we were 9 years old and he FLIPPED, just saying like: “Never let her go, she’s the best, you guys are so lucky I’m so happy to see that you have kept your bond for so so long”. Honestly I wanted to fucking cry because of how genuine he was, he looked so excited and happy. After all that was said and done we told him we were going to leave and that Branden wasn’t going to be back for Sunday. Leon looked so sad about that and gave him like the biggest hug, Branden wished him the best and I told Leon that I’d be back tomorrow. On our way back home we kind of realized that we didn’t pay for the prints and we said that we were going to give him the money tomorrow.

So finally on Sunday I woke up with THE WORST stomach virus at like 7 in the morning and I actually almost ended up not going. But after sitting at home for a couple of hours, drinking some ginger ale, taking some antibiotics and waiting it out I actually started feeling better and went to the con for a short amount of time. I waited for about...1 1/2 hours for Leon since I had no clue what time he was gonna be at his booth but I hung out with a couple of friends in the meantime. Eventually I saw that he was at his table and my friend and I went. Once we like walked up to the table we saw that there were a bunch of people there just hanging around and we were kind of farther back and decided to wait it out, but he walked over to his table (since he was in the crowd for some time) and he saw that we were standing there, he looked at me straight in the eyes and acknowledged that I was there and waved at me. I felt kind of special tbh lol. I waited for the crowd to die down and get smaller so I could talk to Leon and give him what I needed to. I got him to take a video for Branden saying thank you, I got more pictures, and I showed him that I fixed my sword! He looked so relieved that I fixed it. I told him that I was going home and I almost walked out of there without giving him the money.

So I actually ran back in there and waited a little longer so that he was free. Once he saw me again I showed him the money and told him: “This is from me and Branden. We wanted to pay you for the print.” He didn’t want to take it. “Take it as a donation at least. We’re giving this to you since we want to support you and your future projects. We love you so very much and we just want you to have this, from both of us. Please take it since right now I can’t support you on Patreon just yet, I will soon, but I want to help you now.” He wanted me to take another print but I refused and I swear the man looked like he was about to cry. He gave me a big hug and thanked me so much. Like maaan I wanted to fuckin’ cry. I gave him a lil’ smooch, told him thank you, safe travels and enjoy the cake and I made my merry way home. I actually cried a little bit on the drive back.

I’m so so SO happy that I got to meet him and basically be so one-on-one with him. I’m excited to see him again and to see all of his future projects. Meeting Leon has honestly given me such a huge wave of inspiration and confidence that I want to actually improve not only myself as a person, but I want to get better at making cosplays, work out a lot more, and just..y’know follow in his footsteps.

I really want to thank him for giving me such a confidence and inspiration boost because really, just seeing him online made me like decently inspired but I never was motivated enough to follow through with anything, but meeting him and getting to know him has given me motivation and inspiration on how to go about those projects.

So, thank you Leon for being so inspirational, and thank you so much for helping me be a better person. I’m excited to see you again and Branden and I will both work hard to create bigger and better cosplays. I can’t say thank you enough. ♥♥♥

#leon chiro #leon chiro cosplay art #leon chiro cosplay #seriously this is a really long post #long post #shut up nahomy #no one cares nahomy #anime austin #anime austin 2 #anime austin 2017 #yeah this is hella long but like if you read through all of this i'm surprised and thank you

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kpoptart216 · 8 years ago

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My North Star (pt 3)

Summary: You were in love with your best friend, the one constant in your life. But what happens when the new girl comes along? (LOL LIKE YOU HAVENT READ THIS KIND OF FIC BEFORE)

genre: angst, fluff, romance

Pairing: Jin x reader, Hoseok x reader

Length: ~2850 words

Previous Parts: part 1 part 2

A/N: Sorry for the delay on part three! I don’t have a set schedule on when to release though, but let me know if you want part 4! I had rewrote this part because I wasn’t completely satisfied with it, and I’m still not 100% okay with this either but I figure it would lead to the following parts a little better?

** Italics = thoughts

The following week went by incredibly slow and the weeks after felt even slower. You noticed that Jin didn’t talk to you as much as he used to. It’s not that you were thinking too much into it, you genuinely felt like you were losing him completely. Usually, Jin would send you texts throughout the day, telling you about his day or asking about yours. He was always in your life, one way or another. But these last few weeks, you felt this distance you never felt before and it scared you to the very core. Any time he did text you, it just seemed to be out of some obligation. You constantly checked your messages, only to be left with disappointment.

Another thing had changed this last week, though. Instead of your phone being filled with messages from Jin, you found that Hoseok had been texting you more and more ever since you voluntarily put his number into your phone the weekend before. He was friendly and you appreciated the small conversations you had with him. Sure, it didn’t distract you as much as you would have liked, but it was still nice nonetheless. He casually started the conversation earlier in the week, wondering why you never replied to his first message from the night you all met. From there, it slowly turned to him ranting about his day and you relating back. However, he didn’t forget to tell you about all the fun Jin and Kim were having, much to your chagrin. You were slightly annoyed that he couldn’t tell you didn’t want to talk about them, but how was he supposed to know? Hoseok told you that he found it hard to roam around in his own apartment because of the couple so had been locking himself up in his room.

Friday evening rolled around and you weren’t very eager to get home. Afterall, you didn’t have much to look forward to. Usually on Fridays, you and Jin would curl up onto on of your couches and marathon something on Netflix. It was almost like a tradition, but you felt like perhaps his Friday’s were no longer reserved for you. Usually, you would just expect him at your door by 8pm, snacks in hand. But these few weeks, he didn’t even bother letting you know that he couldn’t make it.

As you were about to leave, your phone buzzes from your purse and you excitedly grab for it, hoping for it to be Jin.

Hoseok: Hey, I know it’s kind of last minute, but do you want to hang out tonight?

You pause, wondering what to answer back. You still didn’t feel like going home, so why not?

You: Sure~ What did you have in mind?

Hoseok: Really? Yay! I actually didn’t think that far. It will be a surprise for the both of us I guess. Just wear comfortable shoes?

You: lol sure. How about I meet you in about an hour?

Hoseok: Sounds great. I’ll text you the address in a bit. Can’t wait! You have no idea how nice it is to not have to go home to those two tonight.

You: I hear ya. See you soon!

You were slightly nervous. You’ve known Hoseok since he moved in with Jin about a year ago, but you never actually hung out with him, alone for that matter.

After heading back to your apartment and changing into something more comfortable, you head out to the address Hoseok texted you earlier. You didn’t know what to expect, but you were slightly excited to see what the night had to offer, especially after just crashing in your apartment for the last two weeks.

Hanging out with Hoseok was a lot more fun than you had expected. The address he texted you seemed a little sketchy at first, but you soon realized that you had stumbled upon a part of town you had failed to see after all these years. Within some narrow streets, you found cute little stores, cafes, and other things. How had you missed something so beautiful this entire time?

Not only did you find new places that you were sure to visit in the future, you felt like you found a new friend. Any nervous feelings you had about hanging out with Hoseok for the first time had disappeared within a few minutes of meeting him. He tried hard to make sure it wasn’t awkward within you two, and you appreciated that he tried to do so. He showed you around, explaining he stumbled upon this area a few months before. Before you knew it, it was quite late at night and most stores were closing. As you said your goodbyes, you realized that for a while, you had forgot about Jin and the pain in your heart. Sure, you still wondered about him on the way home, but you also couldn’t stop thinking about the next time you could visit your new favorite place in town. Maybe even with Hoseok next time.

The weekend went by all too quickly as you worked throughout the weekend preparing for your next big project with the company. Hoseok and you still kept texting you through the weekend too. When you had stumbled upon a book store on Friday, you found that you both had similar tastes in books and you had asked him for some recommendations. Whenever he thought of a new book, he would be sure to text you almost immediately and eventually your conversation changed from subject to subject.

As you typed away on your laptop, you heard your phone buzz with a new text. Expecting Hoseok, you were shocked when you saw the notification from Jin. You anxiously unlock your phone, wondering if it was finally something new from the usual “Hey, how is your day going”.

Jin: Hey Y/N~ I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages and that needs to change tomorrow. I’m making dinner for everyone and you’re coming. I won’t accept any no’s.

You smiled at the thought of seeing Jin again tomorrow. But who was everybody?

You: Tomorrow? Sure that should be fine I guess. Who is everybody, though?

Jin: You, me, Hoseok, and Kim of course. Who else, dummy?

Of course. How could you forget? The smile faded from your face quickly as you typed your response

You: Haha. I’ll see you tomorrow I guess.

Jin: Can’t wait. See you tomorrow panda~

Usually, when you and Jin made plans, it was you who couldn’t wait. This time, you were dreading seeing your best friend, your love. Since when did I turn into someone who didn’t want to see Jin?

He was cooking away as dinner time approached quickly. Hoseok was in his room showering and Kim sat at the kitchen counter, staring at her phone. Not looking away from the screen she says “Babe, you know I would help you, but I’m like terrible at cooking.”

“Its fine! Don’t worry about it~” he says back. Too engrossed in her phone, Kim doesn’t even bother replying.

Jin heard someone knocking on the door and immediately knew it was you from way you knocked. He excitedly hurried to the door, only to be beated by Hoseok who rushed out of his bedroom to open the door. Hoseok opened the door and gave you one of his warmest smiles and eventually pulled you into a hug. Jin just stood there, confused. Since when did those two get so close?

When your eyes met Jin’s, the warm smile you wore a second ago slowly faded, but smiled at him nonetheless. Kim finally got off of her phone and came to greet you at the door, sliding her hands around Jin’s waist.

“Hey Y/N, how have you been?” she asks, but she didn’t seem like she genuinely cared.

“Alright, and how about you?” you ask back. Kim just nods her head and gestures for you all to enter the living room.

The four of you sat awkwardly around the coffee table for a while before Jin excused himself to finish cooking and Kim followed behind him, plopping herself back onto the kitchen counter, fumbling with her phone again/

Expecting to hear silence, Jin was surprised when he heard your hearty laughter coming from the living room. He realized he hadn’t heard it in a while, hell he hadn’t even seen you in a while. But that’s why he invited you over tonight. He didn’t realize just how much he had missed you these couple of weeks as he was too busy trying to be the best boyfriend for Kim. He could hear Hoseok and you converse, although he couldn’t hear clearly. He was amused that his two best friends were getting along so well, especially when they had never hung out before. Had they?

Jin finally calls everyone to the dining table to eat as he grabs the last of the dishes from the kitchen. When he reaches the table, he finds you seated next to Hoseok, still laughing from whatever it was before. He sees Kim, still engaged in whatever the hell was on her phone, ignoring you and Hoseok altogether. For whatever reason, Jin was slightly annoyed. He didn’t know if he was annoyed that Kim was being kind of rude, or that fact that you and Hoseok didn’t seem to care.

The rest of dinner went by rather awkwardly, at least for Jin. You didn’t bother making eye contact unless he directly called you name. At the end, Hoseok and you were in one conversation and Jin and Kim were in another (rather boring) conversation. Jin kept looking towards you, hoping that you would meet his eyes, but you never did.

“So, what do you all say to watching a movie? The night is still young after all!” Jin suggested. He looked over to you, and you looked slightly uncomfortable. As it looked like you were about to say no, Jin was ready to try to convince you. But before he could even try, Hoseok grabbed onto her arm and said “Don’t say no! Stay! It will be fun.”

“Uhh, I have to head to work pretty early, I don’t know if it’s such a good idea” you try, but Hoseok was having none of it.

“Oh come on grandma, you can afford to sleep a little later than your bedtime today. It’s only 7, you’ll get plenty of rest I promise” he whined back at her.

Jin could only sit there, watching the exchange between you two.

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt” you say, smiling back at Hoseok. “What are we watching though?”

“Movie suggestions? I got one!” exclaimed Kim suddenly, looking up from her phone. The three of you were surprised by her sudden statement as she barely said anything to the group the whole night.

Jin turned to Kim and said “Sure babe, whatever you want. Why don’t you go find it on the computer while I just do some dishes. Y/N help me” he doesn’t ask. He demands.

“What do I do then?” whines Hoseok. Jin almost glares back and says a little annoyed “Why don’t you get some beer and snacks or something”

“Oh…I guess I could do that” Hoseok says back, confused.

Kim gets out of her chair and heads to the laptop to browse for her movie while Jin grabs his and her plate to the sink. You take Hoseok’s plate and yours and follow him to the sink. Hoseok grabs his wallet and runs out the door to buy everything quickly.

“So, whats been up with you” Jin asks as he turns the sink on.

“Uh, not much” you say, handing him your plate.

“You sure? You’ve been acting kind of weird all night” he says, not even looking at you.

“Yeah I’m sure” you say sternly.

You head to go grab the other stuff from the table and left Jin at the sink. He couldn’t understand why you were acting the way you were. You obviously weren’t fine. When you returned with the remainder of the dishes, the kitchen was filled with this awkward silence. In the past, if you and Jin were ever silent, it was still comfortable. This was almost…agonizing.

As you both finished doing the dishes, Jin could hear Hoseok returning with snacks and drinks for the four of you. He silently thanked him for ending this awkward silence.

“So, I got enough beer and snacks to last us for a few hours” Hoseok said excitedly as he placed everything onto the coffee table in the living room. “I’m going to go change into something more comfortable” he says as he looks in disgust at his skinny jeans.

Jin and you walk over and Jin plops himself next to Kim. She instantly places both her arms around him and places her head on her shoulder, smiling at what seemed to be directly at you. You smile awkwardly and turn away.

Not wanting to sit where you could see them well, you sit in the massive bean bag placed somewhat in front of them. Oh how I’ve missed this bean bag.

“Hey Babe, what did you end up picking” Jin asks as Hoseok returns from his room. Hoseok looks around for a viable seat and smiles when he sees you relaxing into the bean bag.

He runs over and jumps right into the bean bag right next you, scaring you as you gasp. “Haha calm down it’s just me” Hoseok reassures you. Kim mumbles something to Jin, but all he can think about is how Hoseok and you suddenly seem so close. Of all the seats he could have sat in. What are they, a couple?

“A chick flick? Are you serious Kim” Hoseok asks Kim. Kim frowns at Hoseok but Jin plays the movie anyways. He’s not a fan of the genre and he knows for a fact that Hoseok isn’t. He also knows that it’s not something you would prefer either, but he played the movie to keep Kim happy.

The movie went by pretty slowly and Jin wasn’t absorbing anything from the movie at all. Kim was completely into it. Jin would occasionally look over to you and Hoseok when you two would snicker as Hoseok said something to make fun of one of the characters. Jin wanted nothing more than to be a part of that because this movie wasn’t exactly entertaining him. Jin wanted nothing more than to just laugh along with you.

The movie ended a few hours later and everyone finally got up from their seats stretching. Jin’s arm was almost numb from the weight of Kim’s head. You grabbed your purse, trying to excuse yourself to head home.

“Uh, thanks for the dinner guys. I had fun” as you put your jacket on, preparing for the cold breeze outside.

“Really, you liked that movie?” Hoseok teased. Kim didn’t even bother replying as she seemed to be looking for something.

“Anyways, I think I’ll head out now. Thanks again” you say, finally meeting Jin’s eyes. You were amazed by how much it hurt to look at him now. You tried to avoid it for most of the night, but you should at least meet his eyes when you were leaving out of courtesy.

“Let me walk you to your car” Jin says suddenly. “Its uh… dark out and kind of dangerous” he says. No no no, I don’t want to be alone with him now. You didn’t want to be alone with him till you had your feelings sorted you. You made a promise to yourself silently that from here on out, you wouldn’t be alone with him till you can act normal.

“Don’t be silly, I parked literally right across the street, I’ll be fine” you say in a rush. Jin was about to say something when Kim says “Baby I think my phone fell between the cushions but I can’t find it! Help me!”

“It’s fine Jin, I’ll walk her” Hoseok says as he puts on his shoes. Jin just stares at you before he turns to help Kim with her phone. “Bye Y/N” he says, not looking at you.

You and Hoseok walk slowly to your car, still joking about the movie. He continues to mock all the characters and you continue to laugh but your mind is filled with Jin. The way you two barely interacted today, the way it was awkward when you two did. They way you felt that distance grow despite being closer to him than you have been these last couple of weeks.

Hoseok eventually stops talking and just stares at you. You didn’t realize and you continue your fake laughter. He stares, worried. You slowly realize that he was looking at you weirdly but for whatever reason, you laughter doesn’t stop. However, your laughing slowly turns into sobbing and you being crying. You hold your hands to your face in embarrassment, but Hoseok just pulls you into his arms for a hug.

“You like Jin huh?” he says, slowly.

You pull away from him and look at him with shock.

Oh no.

AH I’m sorry again for the wait, I’ve had a few people ask when it was going to come up! I hope you all like it and please give me some feedback! I love hearing from you all! Do u guys want a part 4?? I’m not sure how many parts this is going to be, but def more than 5.

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spinneryesteryear · 5 years ago

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Spinner plays FFXIV Stormblood

Finished FFXIV 4.0 MSQ over the weekend (DRK to 70, WHM to 77), hoo boy. I know I've got the 4.x patches to go but I did wind up liking Stormblood more than I thought. Spoilers ahoy!

Highlights:

- started the SB questline right about the same time as everyone else started ShB *sobs* It did mean I landed in the midst of some good FATE-grinding parties, however, at little as that matters

- I liked the Baelsar’s Wall but those last twin bosses can go die in a fire

- couldn’t get really sad over Papalymo because he barely contributed anything to the story except to snark at Yda. I like him better in DFFOO, where he is an excellent black mage. So, like, the exact opposite of my feelings regarding Thancred.

- Shinryu, Omega, and Cid all disappeared for the majority of the Stormblood questline and tbh it suffered for their absences. At least Estinien, of all people, was tracking the first two down.

- thankfully the WHM quests were all in the first zone I got access to and I already had it at 70 so I just zipped through them

----- me: *fails repeatedly at WHM lvl 70 quest*

----- me: *returns w/gear 10 lvls higher* Time for my vengeance.

----- (Yes, I know I should always keep my gear up to date and to be fair I always keep it at the appropriate level or better when other people are involved. This, however, was single-player duty and my lack of better gear didn’t matter since I didn’t even have the lvl 61 dungeon unlocked yet.)

- never cared at all for Zenos. Nope. Not at all. He and his golf club bag of swords can go fall off Shinryu's platforms. (I also had 0% trouble w/his solo fights on DRK? Maybe it was the new flat damage reduction baked into all tanks, idk, or maybe it was having Aug Shire/at lvl gear for each instance. I kept my health up just fine and had to be wiped out via his insta-kill move for the duty to end. But honestly it felt like good DRK job fantasy, taking on this insurmountable foe and clawing my way past death to defend my fallen comrades.) Also my character literally viewed him as a troubled teen taking out his issues on everyone around him via murder and wasn't impressed w/him in the least. But anyway.

- I came to tolerate Lyse but that's it. Hot-blooded people who rush off and act w/o thinking irritate me greatly IRL and it's no different in virtual life. Plus, she's almost literally an anime version of me who traded book smarts for punching ability. Even her name is a mere one letter from mine. It's kinda weird. She’s my mirror universe self. Ugh.

- it’s really disappointing Square Enix gives me so few options in killing myself. Let me jump off cliffs to my messy death already, dang it. Skyrim let me do it within the first 2 minutes of ever playing, haha.

- the sharks fly. the bears fly. the goobues fly. why not.

- ah, yes, gyuki. Skyrim prepared me for unreasonably bloodthirsty walruses. And for the unreasonably powerful and murderous mammoths.

- I liked M'naago, wished she had been the lead instead

- genuinely loved Gosetsu (Conrad who?) and was upset at his 'death'. I'm at once glad he survived and annoyed at another death fake-out. *Drak voice* Kill more! Kill 'em all!

- Hien is an adorable badass and I wish to adopt him and take him home with me. Doma 4 lyfe

---- me: *interiorly grumbles every time I hear the words ‘Ala Mhigo’

---- also me: *cheers for Doma & the Steppes*

- I just... really don’t understand why Highlanders live in a desert nation and have geographic and cultural neighbors based off of India and yet they have Old English/OHG names. Why???

- also why is Lyse blindingly white (and Minfilia, for that matter) in stark contrast to other Highlanders???

---- me: So, Lyse, if you’re from Gyr Abania then why are you white?

---- Alphinaud: Oh my god, Spinner, you can’t just ask someone why they’re white.

- once again, I'm probably the only person who loved the WHM quests (all SB job quests seem to return to their 1 - 30 [or 30 - 50?] roots and I don't mind). Did lots of screaming over DRK 60 - 70. I saved them all up and did them right away when I hit 70; they flow much better w/no interruptions

- explored/quested/ground FATE's on DRK but ran new dungeons on WHM as that's my comfort job. Failed twice on the mechanics of Bardam's Mettle 2nd boss but no wipes so we're good. So many overconfident gunbreaker tanks, though. T__T *I* did a better job tanking/killing a pack of like 12 mobs as WHM in Sirensong Sea than one bunbreaker, smh.

- I found Magnai to be entirely too amusing. I also want his moves on WAR.

- somehow missed Shisui entirely? Still haven't got all aether currents in the Ruby Sea RIP me

------ (2 month later addendum: finally unlocked it and got my aether currents. Now, to never return to that area ever again.)

- no underwater mobs is so disappointing. Let me throw fireballs and Holys and swing a greatsword underwater already. Let me tell you, nothing is as exciting as going diving in Morrowind with only a 22% chance to successfully cast Waterbreathing and this Kojin blessing is such an OP cheat.

- enjoying my Grani mount tbh. I have no idea if it's lore-relevant for ShB; I just saw the name lifted straight from Norse myth and was like, "Want." It's more of a horse-shaped reptile, however, with 'paws' that become increasingly creepy the more you stare at them. I wonder if it eats meat like the thestrals in HP.

- shooting minigames? Okay. Platforming minigames? AW HECK NO I THOUGHT I WAS DONE W/THIS WHEN I LEFT LEGO GAMES TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME PLATFORMING IS MY GREATEST ENEMY

- I was derping around in Kugane and accidentally started doing the tower jumping puzzle. As soon as I figured out what I was doing I had to run away immediately to save my sanity.

- throwing on tank stance and rushing in to save someone from a mob or a FATE is still as heady a feeling as ever (except when they then run off and leave you to die, like, no why please). Or raising people out in the wild. I particularly love that cyclops boss FATE near Whitebrim bc I can go stand on the edges as a powerful WHM and raise people 10x as the bodies keep hitting the floor. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but it’s still so great.

- I do enjoy the Morrowind feel of walking through a new zone and taking in the scenery but I'd like it more if all the wildlife wasn't super powerful and aggro'ing on me every 10 ft. It feels less like an ecosystem and more like generic monster land when there are no longer any non-aggressive mobs like there were in ARR. The Gyr Abanian landscapes are slowly growing on me, however.

- me, flying through Porta Praetoria/Lochs: Those wooden bonfires must be awfully expensive, if wood is as scarce in Gyr Abania as I think....

- loved the Azim Steppe - atmosphere, music, lore, everything. Waiting for someone to call me out on this bc I just really love Xaela (and may make a male Xaela alt one day).

- had minor moral qualms over fighting in the Naadam for the Mol bc I wanted to claim victory for the Orl

- I do really like those moments in Heavensward and Stormblood when the game recreates the epic moments from the trailers (the WoL walking through the soldiers to fight the dragon; the WoL and Lyse sparring, etc.).

- I was singing, “I don’t care, I don’t care,” to the tune of Let It Go during the Ala Mhigo cutscenes but the resistance singing their anthem really got to me nevertheless. Many voices united and uplifted and song always hits me hard emotionally.

- my character still looking at Zenos with 0% thirst (negative amounts of thirst, tbh) like, “Who is this sassy lost child?”

- then again my character is like 31 yrs old here with a backstory summed up as ‘angry single mom goes to check on friend, ends up killing a god and getting recruited to save the world’

- Pipin is best Lalafell; I will defend him with my life but he has Tizona now and doesn't need me. The absolute shortest guy around is calling the shots in this military campaign and I love it. At least his dad gave him a box to stand on so he could see over the table during the important strategic military discussions.

- the siege of Ala Mhigo taught us that thaumaturges/black mages are the living equivalent of heavy artillery, nice nice nice

- got lucky and had a competent crew in DF to fight Shinryu

- tbh my character would probably kick Asahi’s dad while he was down and cave in his ribs, just finishing him off. It’s no wonder Asahi turned out as bad as he did, with parents as horrifically self-centered as THAT.

- I humbly submit ‘Higwit’ as a fan-name for that elezen following Asahi around - an acronym for ‘Hien Is Great - Who Is That?!’ based on an old LOTR fan meme. Who else here remembers Figwit before he became Lindir?

- I liked the Tsukuyomi fight but I can’t remember anything specific about it now, not even the mechs.

- I did spend a lot of time screenshotting Hien because he is an awesome bro and I would endure Ala Mhigo all over again for him

#spinner plays ffxiv

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hotfitnesstopics · 6 years ago

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Hey hey! How was the weekend? I hope you had an amazing one. I’m back home feeling refreshed and inspired from the weekend’s events. It was my 5th IDEA World fitness conference, and each time they’re just as enjoyable as the previous ones I’ve been fortunate to attend. This year brought a new opportunity as I was asked to emcee for the Studio Spotlight stage at the Expo. While I was hesitant about doing it (I was like, “Why are they asking me? They know I’m awkward, right?”), in the end I decided to go for it. I found that it wasn’t nearly as awkward or terrifying as I anticipated because it was about FITNESS and new studio classes, aka things I genuinely enjoy with all of my heart. So this year I ended up spending a lot of time at the Studio Spotlight stage and got to check out so many new and amazing formats. (Thank you so much to the reader friends who came up to say hi at the conference!) The Studio Spotlight stage was towards the side of the expo, and the entire time, participants wandered in to take classes from the latest and greatest in studio fitness. Many of the classes were packed and the energy was off the hook. Here are some of the highlights: Jazzercise: I still feel like I need to make up for lost time with Jazzercise. (I waited forever to try it and when I finally did, I loved it.) The moves are easy to follow and I really enjoy the upbeat music. It was great to catch up with some of the Jazzercise girls and take their classes on the studio spotlight stage. (Source) FitSteps: (Source) FitSteps was a unique twist on traditional dance cardio as they focus on ballroom-style movements without a partner. I had a smile on my face the entire time! The waltz was especially beautiful, and the instructor Crystal was graceful and enjoyable to watch. HIGH Fitness: (Source) You guys. HIGH Fitness is a PARTY. It’s modern aerobics with current music and killer cardio moves. The instructors were a blast and their dance moves and style they brought to the class made it even more fun. I’m actually thinking about getting certified even though I might need to start drinking caffeine again to teach haha. Full Body Fitness by Roger Romero: (Source) The creator of this format came to present along with an entire crew from Peru. They had SO much energy and I loved Roger’s mix of aerobics, dance cardio, boxing, and plyometric movements. BollyX: (Source) I already swooned over BollyX in my last post, but it deserves another mention. The movements were SO fun and different – it was like hip hop meets Bollywood- and they drew a huge crowd for each of their demos. Something about Bollywood music makes me insanely happy and I loved dancing along. I’ll definitely be checking out their YouTube channel when I want a little at-home cardio. Flow Barre Dance: (Source) The creator of this format, Edvania, was here all the way from Brazil. (And reads the blog! HI!) This format combines dance, Pilates, and barre, and had beautiful fluid movements. She has a huge following in Brazil, and I can see why so many people love taking her class. STRONG by Zumba: (Source) This is another that I feel like I’ve been missing out on. STRONG is totally unlike traditional Zumba. There’s zero dancing and is strength, cardio, and plyometric movements synced to the music. The music was driving and powerful; the perfect accompaniment to jumps and martial arts-style punches. The master trainer Ai Lee (from Switzerland. She’s in the pic above) was INCREDIBLE. I would want to take her class all the time. Beachbody LIVE PiYo and Insanity: (Source) It was great to take an Insanity class from Danille (Fit and Funky). I’ve followed her online for a while and she’s a powerhouse instructor. All of the Beachbody Live classes were perfect representations of the formats I enjoy so much. (Check out my review of PiYo here and Insanity here.) While the IDEA sessions and classes are a haven of happiness, I always look forward to catching up with blog friends, (with Ashley, Giselle, and Tara. I also got to spend all day Wednesday and Thursday with my bestie before she left for a trip.) and exploring the expo. The expo is pretty much my Disneyland. Just picture all of the latest and greatest in fitness gear/equipment + healthy foods, snacks, and fitness apparel under one roof. *Sighs* It’s just so good. The LaCroix booth was my very favorite; they had free LaCroix for everyone, hats (! to match my swimsuit), and many photo ops. We had some great meals, too. Thursday evening Betsy and I grabbed tacos and margaritas at Puesto, and Friday night, I met up with Giselle, Ashley and Tara for cocktails and dinner at Rustic Root. This year, I didn’t end up going crazy with a lot of lectures and workshops. After the past month, my body and mind needed a serious reset. There’s been so much going on, especially packing up the house, living in hotels with the girls in Valdosta and in Tucson while the Pilot drove here, unpacking, getting settled, and more behind-the-scenes stuff, it all kind of hit me at once. I ended up sleeping in each day and enjoying slow mornings before heading to the Expo for the official adventures. (One morning, I went to Better Buzz and walked around Liberty Station, and it was lovely.) I still got to see and do a ton, but usually after IDEA, my body is EXHAUSTED (in the best way!) from all of the classes and lectures. For the first time, I didn’t feel tired at all coming home. I’m still not quite sure what my teaching schedule will be like in Tucson – I can only teach one or two classes a week right now, so I’m subbing at a local studio. For next year’s conference I’ll likely have a solid purpose for the workshops and lectures. I’m still trying to figure everything out and decide if I want to get certified in a new format, create my own format, or teach something that I know and love (like spin, barre, or BODYPUMP). I really, really missed the girls during this trip. For my first night away, I was like YES I CAN SLEEP UNTIL WHENEVER I WANT, but after a couple of nights, the loneliness and missing set in. I missed those little monkeys so much and being back home with them is the best ever. It’s always nice to get a little bit of a break and time to enjoy cocktails with friends, but whenever trips like these are over, I’m so ready to get back home to our little fam. Thank you again to my friends at IDEA for an incredible weekend. I’m already looking forward to next year. What’s your all-time favorite group fitness class? Any new studios you’ve discovered lately? xo Gina More IDEA recaps: 2013 Conference recap 2013: The Expo and other fun stuff 2014 snack stash 2014: What I learned 2014: What I knew 2015: IDEA World and BlogFest 2016: IDEA Recap The post A great IDEA appeared first on The Fitnessista. from The Fitnessista https://ift.tt/2KILs3O via IFTTT

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beckoningtales-blog · 7 years ago

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The Last Pages..... "Acceptance"

(14June17):Wednesday; An extremely yet also late "top of the morning" lads and lasses. It is 44:2AM and the Mistress continues to allow peaceful, long overdue much needed rest to elude her. Eventually the wondrous overtake of slumber will eventually come my way and my mind, poor achy body can finally seek some comfort. The tale I am once again about to unweave, may very well not come as 8f any surprise to most of you, as still in all the harrowing stories, "emotions", "feels", and disadvantageous behavior, with blatant rectories of truth staring me down and speaking aloud....somehow I still am managed to find shock and surprise in realities unforeseen. Imagined, emphatically "yes", believed..."without a shadow of doubt"..... However the prudent, blatant truth presented in various contents as imagery, to reels, and my own personal favorite form....literature. As I always say, (while bearing well meaning), I shall keep this short, and precise. I have known since the ground was still frozen cold, until its thawing and even at this very moment.... The Mortician had become beyond infatuated with his work, it became every detail of being, breathing, and existing....his life. I planned (mindfully, the heart is but full of trickery to the usual senses and a fool) NOT to compete with any "thing" much less another individual. My mind, and internal instincts spoke volumes of truth .y beguiled eyes were too blinded by love to see, admit, accept and move past. I shant fill the pages with keen detailed information as I would normally. For one, I am "LITERALLY" exhausted by this entire ordeal as much as I was when I first sensed an upheaval. Also, even as I have FINALLY prepared myself for this moment.."feelings" as absolute as they may appear to one or many still hurt. Our relationship grew apart before this year ever struck midnight. My noticing of behavioral change, characteristically and beyond came some months later. I was "blindly" unaware, yet had a hunch of how deep seeded his connection to "this newer/ yet old" passion had become. I felt there was that of bonding concerning Civil Duties which I many times could only fathom but not share corresponding roots for having never served in that form. However the bonds we (he and I) made earlier on in the beginning, and in the midst of sharing our lives and home together grew daily. Yes, we each had a past. Professionally speaking, some public, some private, some sordid, a great deal secret only to ourselves until we spoke in unbridled truth in to the other. Our most sacred bond was never that of a physical caliber despite my willingness, and committed oath that NO OTHER individual but he would ever have me in the forms we shared, (some passionate, other deviant) and above all would never have my heart, love, or respect as that all was an invisible gift I could only present in gestures and literary words off my lips were (and sadly will be) none other than his. His straying came first as he admitted, in the form of "curiosities" . then fascination, finally commitment, and I was a mere afterthought and a means to a bitter and no pave loss end. The infatuation, (as he harringly, yet executed poorly through his journals....added on with fictitious mentions of false greatness by astounding teams of repertoire) was someone of his past. Not the usual random "fair haired, ginger, or brunette" willing to provide the least amount of attention....this was one whom could share the stories of wartime, service, sacrifice, and more. In his ledgers he admitted having "feelings" (huh, imagine that) during their time together in years past, but never acted upon them. It was only when the other, sought him out these years later (in his near perfect form as he conceited himself) that those fleeted feelings rearose and left him wondering "Why now?" and moreover...."Why not??!!" We shared a blissful short well meaning time together just a few days ago leading into the weekend. I played the tale of the domestic, which filled me with nerves (of my performance as I sadly had not committed to for months now), but also upon his approval and liking. Beyond that we reminiced of our laughable, yet queer tales of situations that befell on us in the year 16....of physical love, throws of passion and intimacies that we never shared (even with our former spouses) until having laid eyes upon eachother. The greatest in our time spent, was the laughter, and the sincere embraces as we slept. Once again the ticking of time was inevitable to remind us it would be short lived. I spoke in haste out of (once again yet new characteristic for he as the norm) and it eluded from there. The evening drone on, I made baseless notations of ending our union, to taking long overdue and much needed time apart....to finally reconciling leaving by nightfall. Once again I left the decision still "hoping" (FOOL) that he would genuinely want me and us. He was cold, indifferent and set. I as usual in my despair of love and a life lived without him...(no not for what he can afford to provide me) I speak 8f an empty cold, living day in and day out like a breathing corpse due to the missing of your very beating heart and soul. He again exclaimed his desire for me not to leave.....but ended his statement with the threat that once I crossed the threshold and closed the door......HE would heed that as "Goodbye" and with very little room for emotions of loss, sadness or grief..move on. How it burned to hear, but in between the array of various half truths, and soulless mendacities he sited....THAT statement I knew had great merit as I told him numerous times, he would...easily. He also informed me (as I spoke myself numerous times due to the hatred and disgust I had even more so than usual for myself) had "changed." I was no longer the means of joy, laughter, pleasantry and light he once enjoyed being with let alone around. I (in my usual and TRUTHFULLY heartfelt demeanor) apologized from the bowels of my soul for my abhorrent, crude, hateful, accusatory, and without meaning judgemental behavior and gave my word.....IT...the questions, wondering, etc, etc would cease and dissist. He accepted my newfound gesture, (making no personal announcement of changes HE would be undergoing for the betterment not only for us, but moreover himself) and why would he??? He felt no apathy, no responsibility on his part which increased my madnees, and above all,,,,,held fast to the deception of pure innocence and blameless behavior. His only "half spoke sorrow" and it beared no deep feeling, was in his wrongdoing for "neglecting me" (poor colored me) from time spent on the computer. Today........ Oh how I rue the day, but my bed...my stupid heart....therefore my tears are not only in grief for what we had and have lost, but also in rageful frustration and anger within myself for being so undoubtedly foolish, weak, spineless, and above all lacking any means of common sense and decency. The first shocking (graven into my memory for all time) were the numerous....and I do mean NUMEROUS movies, takes, "tags", and countless unprotected bodies I saw in REAL (no not in person) time of him impaling with no feeling other than that of lust, and self satisfaction. NOT ANYTHING of a supposedly engaged or even taken in a committed relationship man. He was behaving like a self satisfying whore! !!!! I kept my word, and did not allow what I'd seen under various aliases (much like that of his fictitious Author's books). It hurt, as emotions do...... I felt filthy for even sitting beside him, and immediately lost my appetite at any meal he prepared seeing the filth of his ways onscreen. NO it isn't of is past life I judge nor have I ever, it is at the thought let alone execution of his unfeeling (minus said lust) cruel, crude and unhealthy behavior towards me. As everything else it came as no shock due to my suspicions coming forth, it was the witnessing. And dare I not ever even make mention. For one, his probably removed all accounts and content (minus that which he shares via "apps", links, codes, and torrents) but also he (in his mind I'm sure yet still failed miserably) tried to geniusly falsify his true presence by mocking different faces (that any amateur would take note of) on the male portions of the bodies in each. His costly mistake.....underestimating my intelligence as he well should, would 8ther idiotic fool would willingly choose to live with a vagrant. But yes also left a trail of endless breadcrumbs upon his searches and installations. He asked numerous times for me to avail my true feelings as upon not only being sick with cold, I was also somewhat dispondent and I truthfully replied. ....it was NOTHING. Also what personal gain have I ever deemed by admitting something bothered me in the past even upon his "concerned insistence." I held onto a shred of pride and bit my tongue. It wasn't until just a mere few hours later that I found the black and white (haha....and I am not referring to myself against his list of many) I mean the "literary journaled" truth that he even so bewitchingly had the audacity to place in front of me (after making more personal downloads and removing content from my prying yet no longer caring eyes).....the very HELL only non rouse for phonographic means of a webpage, to introduce me to something I love......"books". The night/morning continues to bemoan by. My face is sore and taught from the battle since the previous night, of allergies. Therefore I shall allow this to be my long awaited close. As yet again meaning well... I poured in several details for the audience to gain full perspective. This shall be deemed "Part 1"......of the cliffhanger (pardon me for not receiving the blatant telegrams sooner). I shall resume with the conclusion as the sun awakes the Earth or upon next moonlight. My deepest gratitude for your eyes and ears.....

#acceptance #movingforward

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