#the way that ive known my boyfriend not even for two whole months and weve been officially together for a month only

[kathrynmjaneway]

.

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

you know those kids in movies that are completely free?

that can ride their bikes across town in the summer heat, or walk the train tracks

for miles and miles? that decide where to go as they're going there, and view the world through eyes exactly their age?

the kind who spend their summers outside, not because they think they should, or because their moms told them to, but because

where else would they be?

the kind of kids that buy ice cream at the store, with crumpled ones from their pocket and sit on the curb to eat it, with nowhere to go and no one else to be; with no expectations, only beliefs, and not a shred of fear that who they are is not who they ought to be?

i always used to envy those kids.

i wanted the freedom, i wanted the friends to fly down the street with on my bike on some all-important mission only we understood, i wanted that 1989 summer. i wanted to be needed like that. i wanted to be comfortable like that.

i couldnt, because im A.) a military brat, so ive never lived anywhere longer than 3 years, and B.) so cripplingly insecure that the times i had with my friends that were those movie type of times were spent distracted by what i assumed everyone thought of me. i always dreamed of having those friends that ive loved all my life, that hangout spot that we all call home, and those adventures that would carry me through my whole life, but the universe seemingly hated the idea.

until now. well, it isn't exactly like id dreamed- i dont have that friend group, our hangout spot is still a work in progress, and there's been no real call to adventure.

and yet, it's perfect- i don't have a friend group, but i have you, and you're beautiful and funny and caring and taller than me. you're always willing to go wherever, do whatever, and take me anywhere i want to go. ive known you for maybe 8 months, and yet you're the friend ive loved my whole life, you're the only one i need to fill the space, and aside from being my best friend, you're also my boyfriend. double win.

we don't have a hangout spot yet, but we have the basement, and while it's still currently a little abandoned house in the woods filled with newspapers, we can talk about our ideas for it and (seemingly) see the same picture in our heads. we both have love for it, we both understand why we need it, and the days that weve spent moving newspapers or finding new ways in have been absolutely dreamy.

there hasn't been a "call to adventure"- no mystery to be solved, no lost thing to find, nothing to run from, nothing to chase. maybe that's the one thing i can't say there's a better substitute for here. yet, this little town is, at least to me, relatively undiscovered, so the simple act of going out to discover it is adventure in and of itself. (so i guess there is a call to adventure after all).

i can't say it's exactly how younger me wished it would be. i cant say it is at all. but, somehow, every hole in my heart is filled, every desperate wish for a movie summer has been granted, and everything i could want is here. you undid the burnout. you made me feel young again, like im actually sixteen, not the pseudo-youth bandaid i felt before. actually young. you took away the constant fear of running out of time. you made me see that im sixteen, one six, six years past ten years old. a child. a baby. not even out of public school yet. i have two years until i move into my next stage of glorified babyhood, and then four years after that of recognizable youth before i graduate into young-but-you-can't-tell-me-what-to-do-any-more.

my life and happiness doesn't have to end because im not a little kid anymore. im not too late to enjoy being alive. youth doesn't just run out,

especially when i just started being young.

tl;dr, today made me feel good.

p.s., i love you