#the way i could write essays on each of the albums how they connect and then on eveyr singke track

[fierceyetflawed]

in my humble (and absolutely correct) opinion no one gets real human emotions like bleachers' songs do. grief, feeling lost, deep true love, wanting to be free - you name it.

and one of the songs that keeps hitting me is ordinary heaven. i have never heard or seen anyone get what marriage or love is like that. feeling sooo fucking grateful to just watch your partner be. just the opportunity of getting to witness them in their element. the disbelief there that this is my life?? she's dancing in our house and I just get to be here? how fucking lucky am I? but also the inner voice that heyyy you better not fuck this up you, better not forget how lucky you are to get to be here. you were scared to even wish for times like this and now that you're here you better not take this for granted.

and thennn jack hits you with the quote from rodney mullen and first of all sonically the way those overlapping vocals sit they just grab your attention in the most gentle way and it's crazy how that outro summarises everything he has said in this album so precisely. and to top that off you have the lore of how jack got to meet his childhood hero via the love of his life and that added connection brings you back to the idea of having this ordinary heaven with your partner and how lucky you are to be in this position!

so fucking genius.

[tiramisugrl]

Omg no way I’d love to ready any and all of your essays on midnights!!! Also I completely forgot the karma Ice spice remix existed until you mentioned it oops 🤭🤭 also I really liked that comparison you drew to the 1989 cuz I see a lot of ppl comparing the 2 as ppl albums but that 20 year old —> 30 year old arc? It’s soooo intriguing and I see it now esp with songs like midnight rain or question. What other songs do you think fit this arc, and would you connect any of them to songs in 1989?

for brevity, i've chosen three songs from each album to compare to each other to show, how taylor has evolved between 1989 and midnights, and how the latter carries over themes from the former. and i'm gonna put it under the cut bc it got kinda long woops

Bland Space & Anti-Hero

Blank Space was the first time she wrote a song being self-aware (technically shake it off came first, as a single, but i'd argue blank space is more specific). It's specifically about how her dating life is perceived in the public eye, and she acknowledges how it is kind of ridiculous, but also that, even though the men she dates know what they're signing up for, they still decide to date her.

Anti-Hero follows the same theme of self-awareness, though now, almost a decade later, her fame is in focus, because she's become the monster on the hill, the most famous woman in the room at any given moment, and for some, the public included, this is grating. And she knows that, and points out, that she's aware of her faults, and she's sorry, but she is who she is. There is also more angst about her legacy - "I have this dream my daughter in-law kills me for the money" - which again shows that her priorities have changed. Of course she's worried about if her lover leaves her when he gets tired of her schemes, but what if one of her children marries someone who's more interested in her money than in them and is willing to kill for it? What does that say about her as a potential mother?

Out Of The Woods & Question...?

This one is kind of obvious, but stick with me. The way I see it, after love & heartbreak, Harry Styles is her eternal muse. It's a relationship she keeps returning to throughout her discography, and I have to wonder if it's because that relationship really did a number on her, and even after all these years she keeps lying awake at night wishing it had turned out differently. I also theorize that after all these years, Styles has become less of a person in her mind than a concept. The one that got away, the great love of her early 20s. She's never writing about him as a person anymore (post 1989, including vault tracks), but merely as a symbol of eternal regret and youth wasted. With this in mind, let's get into the songs:

OOTW asks the question: are we out of the woods yet? Can we stop fretting about our relationship and how it looks to the public and just be in it? She says "We were built to fall apart, then fall back together". She knows this relationship is doomed, but she is also convinced that they will find their way back together eventually. At this point in her life, Styles is her recent ex and she's closer to the situation, so we're able to get more details of their relationship (the Polaroid, the accident, moving furniture so they could dance etc). Even though this relationship has already ended, and she's remembering back to it in the present, it's still a fresh wound. Maybe even a wound that will never heal.

Question opens with "I remember", sampling OOTW and tying it directly to that song, that period of her life, and Styles. Now in her 30s she's lying awake at night, and asking herself, and him, what the fuck actually happened back then, and why did he treat her like that. "Did you wish you put up more of a fight?" Do you regret it? Do you miss me like I miss you? "Does it feel like everything's just like second-best after that meteor strike?". By now, her relationship with Styles is a distant memory, and he himself has become a muse for her to escape to from her current, unsatisfactory relationship. The lyrics are less specific too, we only really get any details in the chorus, because Styles merely a concept at this point, an amalgamation of all her exes into one, and she's asking all of them: do you wish it had turned out differently?

New Romantics & Hits Different

This one is a little silly, but also very serious.

New Romantics is about moving to New York with a broken heart but trying to have fun with your friends regardless. It's about being young and having fun and not worrying about love or anything else, and it's about valuing the people in your life who are there for you, and not chasing someone who doesn't care about you. "The best people in life are free".

Hits Different, compared, is a kind of devolution. She's still at the club, but she can't stop thinking about her ex, and though her friends try to cheer her up, it's just not working. If New Romantics is the pre-game where you get dressed to go out and forget about your ex, Hits Different is the six hours and a bottle of vodka later, where you go to the bathroom and stare drunkenly at your reflection in the mirror - all red eyes and smudged mascara - and you break down crying because you just thought of your ex again. Escapism can't mend a broken heart. And that's what she has realized on this song. This ex, this is the one she can't get over, no matter how hard she tries. Who this ex is, however, we'll never know. My money is still on Styles.

[applepiesandalibis]

So. A couple of posts ago I mentioned writing an explanation of why I adore each TPC album for a different reason (a thing that makes this specific album unique for me). Nobody asked for it. Here it is.

The first one, Young Bodies Heal Quickly holds a special place in my heart mostly because of its vibes. And also because I listened to it in the hard times and it really helped me to deal with some things. It manages to depict many different emotions and feelings perfectly: such as fear, anxiety, anger and in the end it even becomes really comforting, makes you feel safe and calm even if the rest of the album feels like the world is ruining and you're absolutely helpless. I really love how it contains both very energetic and very calm songs. I mean, pretty sure all of their records do, but here it's more noticeable and I like that contrast. ALSO, something about the voicemail sample with that agressive instrumental as a background... I just find it incredibly cool for whatever reason. In general, YBHQ has some of the coolest samples.

Hide the Kitchen Knives... Well, I don't listen to that one a lot, sadly :( Mostly because it's not on spotify (at least for me, heard some lucky people have it there) and it's not very comfortable to listen to it on other platforms. Still, I like it for — yet again — its unique vibe, cool instrumentals (God Forgive Us All is just..... mwah /pos) and also some thoughts John expresses on this record. I find the whole concept behind it very interesting.

God Bless Your Black Heart for the story it tells and the fact that absolutely everything on this album is connected. Makes my neurodivergent brain happy, I will NEVER get tired of (over)analyzing it and yapping about it. John said he worked very hard on this one and it really shows!!! I associate a lot of good moments in my life with GBYBH (even though the album itself is pretty dark) and Said the Spider to the Fly will always be one of my favorite music videos to ever exist. It means a lot to me and I rewatched it hundreds of times.

Then, Now You Are One Of Us, which has its SpOoKy atmosphere that is actually trying to hide a very hopeful message behind itself and no, I will NOT shut up about this. Plus, again, the samples are just perfect. It was the first album of theirs I heard and it really made me realize how good this band is. I know how cringy this probably sounds, but it actually changed my life and it only gets better with each listen.

Ctrl-Alt-Delete-U is just crazy. In a good way. I mean, a 40-minute song that is mostly just one phrase being repeated over and over again? Who do you think is eating this up? That's right: me. All of the other songs are great too, of course. I can't fully understand the concept behind this album tbh, but that's what I like about it.

Someday This Could All Be Yours is, as I previously said, the one I listen to the most. The natural disasters concept is something that really got my attention at first and the lyricism on here is INCREDIBLY good. Every song has its own mood and its own 'personality', which makes me want to came up with a character for each one of them (I already have a bunch of TPC based OCs, but still). Also I'm a big fan of the suffering that thinking about Vol. 2 brings me into👍🏻 /hj

And, of course, their older stuff (...And the Machines Are Winning, Essays on Frantic Desperation, singles like Dilbert, a Man If You Will, etc.) deserves being mentioned too. I feel like these guys were really vibing while recording this! The lyrics aren't that deep as they are on later records, sometimes you can't even understand what John is saying, but the instrumentals are amazing. John straight up tortures his guitar sometimes; it makes such a cool sound though, so it's totally worth it. They had a very great start and I love older TPC just as much as newer!!!

Obviously, I can't just not mention Nighty Nite in this. Dimples gives me a nostalgic feeling, but at the same time it's so dark and can easily make you anxious. My fav track from it is definetely Meaningless. Ironically, it makes me feel like life does have a meaning. I don't know. And again, the lyrics are very good here.

Until the Horror Goes is also very nostalgic, but in a slightly more positive way. John said this album is mostly about getting older and dealing with adult life and it does depict this feeling very well. It also has a really pretty cover — my favorite after the GBYBH one. The songs on it are catchy, I know them all by heart. The instrumentals are yummy too (take Animal Rites for example, it scratches my brain in such a good way). I like the more electronic sound it has and I think it was a good way to end John's career as a musician... (sobs)

TL;DR: The pAper chAse is the best band in the entire world and they have never released a single bad song. I love all of their records like they're my children (or even more, cause I don't really like children... you got the point). End rant.

[hahafosh]

Book Review - いのちの車窓から

Was a bit hesitant on posting this but its my blog and I can post whatever i want!!! Anyways I just felt like I wanted to review a book I just finished reading so why not, lmao.

Title: いのちの車窓から

Author: 星野源 (Hoshino Gen)

Language: Japanese

Genre: ��ッセイ

Title literally translates to "From the Windshield of Life" which sounds kinda silly, so I'd probably go with "Peering from inside the window of life" or something, haha.

The book consist of 30 short essays, each about 4 to 5 pages long. A single piece took me about 10 to 15 minutes to read depending on the topic, which was perfect for my commute time to and from school.

Topics vary from talking about a specific person, to how the author feels about a certain event, subject, or even daily activities, which is an interesting peek into the life of a big name in the entertainment industry (in Japan at least). Just like all of us, Hoshino Gen is a regular person with likes and dislikes. And like us, he eats, sleeps, plays games and day dreams a lot. What really stood out to me though, was his sincere attitude towards just...being alive. There was a period of time where he had undergone surgery and took a long hiatus from his work as an artist, and perhaps it was that experience that shaped his view towards life.

Through the essays about his personal experiences, one could really feel his earnest desire to just be himself, to live a positive life and be a positive influence to others. The road towards that was certainly not full of sunshines and rainbows, but it warmed my heart to read about how he felt on his journey towards positivity. In a way, I felt encouraged as well to be more positive and true to myself.

Aside from the more personal anectodes, topics on certain people or subjects, for example a shiba inu, were fun to read. 11/10 could relate to very much. Shiba inus are cute, shiba inus are justice. Praise the squishy doggo!

Writing wise, it was an easy read. Had to use the dictionary sometimes to look up the meaning of certain words, or their pronunciation as furigana is scarce. Aside from that, the way each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next truly made the experience a good one. The tone is casual, like how one would write a diary, but written with enough clarity that reader could picture his state of mind at that point of time. I did notice however a tendency to use a specific connective word a lot, but I chalked it up to an author's specialty, as well as being a tool to express his spontaneous personality. I would say though that to fully appreciate the book, one would need a bit of knowledge and understanding of Japanese culture, on top of knowledge about well-known figures in the entertainment industry. I was not familiar with some of the people mentioned in certain essays (especially the comedians from an earlier era), so those did not resonate with me as much as other topics, but it was still a fun read nevertheless. The essay on Aragaki Yui, who would go on to become his wife a few years after the publication of this book, was really sweet in particular. From the bottom of my heart, I felt really glad that they got together!

I'm really bad at book reviews so maybe I'll just stop writing here lol. I think book reviews are supposed to be objective?? but mine probably turned out to be too subjective LOL. Whatever I just think it's a good book! I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to start reading Japanese books! It's perfectly bite sized!!

Personally, I came to REALLY appreciate his songs after reading this book. I started listening to his songs out of curiousity, and found the lyrics to his songs to be really beautiful, which in turn made me want to try giving his essays a read. No regrets. Now I fully understand why his songs have this charm that hooks you in and lifts your spirits after listening to them. YELLOW DANCER is my favourite album, and reading about his inspiration behind the creation of it enhances my enjoyment of the album even more UvU)b

Can't wait for いのちの車窓から 2, which is slated to be released on 30th September!

P/S: The character on the cover art of this book (it's him) subtly forms the number "1". Removing the cover jacket reveals a different character on the cover, which also forms the number "1". I thought that was really clever! I also did not notice this myself lol my mom pointed it out during a video call lol.

[wildiefleur]

i love how my preachers daughter mini mag project turned out it i adore how it looked but i didn’t get the chance to actually talk about what i wanted to in terms of the bigger picture

i had a great message behind everything that actually meant something but i never got to actually write it it 😭😭

and when i presented it got turned into me showing the physical component and explaining the story of the album which DEFINITELY felt to me like it bored people bc it felt so droning on when i had planned out a short but meaningful thing; i wish i just flipped through the pages so they could see and then talked about what i wanted to and i also wasn’t prepared to go into the story behind each song so it wasn’t executed as well as it could have been

like i had wanted to show them the climax of ptolemaea, see their reactions and then look at a video of peoples reactions and talk about how it can be disturbing esp with the story context but also the duality of people being moved and expressing how they have never seen the raw emotions they’ve experienced portrayed in art so well by looking at real people’s comments on the video and also the difference between the male disgust in it and the female acknowledgment

and then my essay part was gonna talk about the critique that people say she’s glamorizing the topics she sings about, and also talk about the way that though it tells a cohesive story in the album the individual can still claim lyrics and interpret them through the lens of their own personal story and the overall connection between music and mood, with music being an amazing coping mechanism, how music can help people work through their emotions and help them understand/process what they’re going through, how different tones in songs can either uplift or bring your feelings down and just tie it all together

so like im happy with my project and he said it was “standard setting” but i just wish i actually got to talk about what i wanted to behind the whole thing and im just disappointed and now there’s no point in actually doing it or sending the intention to my teacher because i already got my grade and so it would just be a long email he’d have to read for literally no point like i actually lost the plot

anyways rant over i just felt a little overshadowed by myself

[chococookiez]

nightly ptv posting in random places until i see them live (123 days left!!) - not in the greatest place rn as this cold covid continues to fuck with me both physically and mentally so im gonna get really sappy and talk about how significant each album is to me cause i could write a whole essay on this. under cut cause this is gonna be long

collide with the sky was the album that got me into this band. one of my irl friends was reposting tiktoks about them, i heard the hell above transition and instantly ran to them for recommendations cause i was HOOKED. that night i think i listened to them for around 3 and a half hours straight, i think i went through the entirety of collide, selfish machines and afftd (im not sure if i finished afftd or if i looked at misadventures yet) and the only thing that stopped me from continuing the binge was a massive headache that came over me. hold on till may inspired two of my ocs as i imagined them taking the roles of both people in the song, their personalities and how that'd fit into an existing universe we (me and my friends) had. they're still the two ocs i think about the most since i connect them with ptv very often and - yknow, hyperfixation. fun fact: i timed the "im sorry but ive made up my mind" in bulls in the bronx to happen when it hit midnight on my birthday. no clue why, just thought it was cool ig

the jaws of life was the first album i owned physically, accidentally managing to acquire both the cd and the vinyl on my birthday (cd was spotted in hmv, vinyl was my grandma's gift. there's a certain cashier at that hmv that i think happened to be working that day who shares my music taste, they recommended my dad listen to them since he said he got the cd for me lmaoo) the songs on that album were the first ones my parents heard, as my dad's car has a cd player so i popped it in on the way back home. much later on due to some shenanigans involving a shitbox car thats best music source was cds and oh look ptv is the one band my mum didn't mind listening to and i had 2 of their cds (i'll talk about that later), it ended up becoming her favourite album of theirs so we'd very often listen to it on journeys even when she got her car back as it was one of the few things we shared taste wise after i took a dive bomb into rock/metal, so while its my least favourite in terms of songs as im writing this (i don't dislike them!! some of my faves are on there!!), im incredibly sentimental towards it regardless.

misadventures was the second album i owned physically, finding the cd buried in a local record shop (it has the acoustic bonuses on it!!), and i think i can sorta call it my favourite album of all time. almost every single song in that album has been put on loop at least once (i mean that very literally. every single one. except sambuka? idk, just wasn't in my head as much...) it was also involved in the shitbox car shenanigans which might have influenced my love for it too. the divine zero in particular had (and still has tbh) a strong chokehold on me, being a little too relatable for me as i was going through a very dark patch in life that im not sure is entirely over yet actually, though it at least feels like it might be. i still can't listen to that song only one time whenever it comes on, i have to replay it at least once. it was my top song on spotify and i barely even fucking use spotify. can you tell im normal about the divine zero?

tl;dr - ptv are cool. im normal about them. thumbs up emoji.

a flair for the dramatic and selfish machines, while not having a big long story behind them, have been incredibly important to me during The Cold Covid as their songs are the main ones im obsessed with currently. some noteworthy songs off them are she sings in the morning/yeah boy and doll face (ok this one's kinda silly: i found out people found the first song through osu which i hadn't played in ages and these two was some of the first plays i got in a very long time so i currently hold them very close. fun fact: i like rhythm games!), wonderless/chemical kids and mechanical brides (INCREDIBLY calming to me, go tos when i need to lower my energy levels), million dollar houses (very closely connected to one of the two hold on till may connected ocs) and fast times at clairemont high (ok it's just a banger to me. the high notes make me fucking feral and i listened to the song 10 times in a row once. oops)

[literallyjusttoa]

I was dumb bc the new Hozier album was definitely not coming out in 10 days, but it's out now and guess what? I'm still GAY and i'm still YEARNING so here's even more lyrics that I think Apollo would GAYLY YEARN to.

These days I think I owe my life / To flowers that were left here by my mother / And ain't that like them / Gifting life to you again - First Time

Ok everything else on this list is deep and metaphorical but not this one. This is bc this line fits Apollo perfectly even if you take it entirely literally, bc the curse of delos are flowers (technically) made by his mother and they help to bring people back from the dead. This is very funny to me.

If you need to darling, lean your weight to me / We'll float away / But if we fall / I only pray / Don't fall away from me - I, Carrion (Icarian)

Honestly this whole song is him-core, but this line in particular has a certain "If we go down, we go down together" vibe to it that Apollo definitely feels about his lovers. Like, I think it breaks his heart that he can't follow them all the way to the end.

What I had left here / I just held it tight / So someone with your eyes / Might come in time / To hold me like water / Or Christ, hold me like a knife - Who We Are

Screaming, crying, sobbing, throwing up, rolling on the floor, going insane, passing out. This is too much for my poor heart to handle IMAGINE APOLLO SINGING THIS. JUST IMAGINE IT AND THEN CRY WITH ME ABOUT IT.

Look, I wanna be loud / So loud, I'm talking seismic / I wanna be soft as a single stone in a rain stick / I wanna be the thunder of s hundred thousand hooves moving quick / If I was a stampede, you wouldn't get a kick - Anything But

Something about a god who has the ability to be anything in the world, but making sure the person he cares about comes out ok no matter how wild and unrestrained he wants to be. And how even when he's restless and frustrated his priority is his lover. I might be reading too far into it but who knows heeeheehee

My life was a storm / Since I was born / How could I fear any hurricane? / If someone asked me at the end / I'd tell them put me back in it - Francesca

I've already made a post on how much Francesca fits Apollo but I must reiterate how much Francesca fits Apollo. This is him at Peak Yearning and I love it.

But try measure loss / Measure the silence of a house / The unheard footsteps at the doorway / the unemployment of the mouth / The waking up, having forgotten / And remembering again the full extent of what forever is / With each grave / I think of loss and I can only think of you / And I couldn't measure it - Through Me (The Flood)

This is a long one but I love this song. Idk if this makes sense but I feel like this is how Apollo would describe grief. These feel like words straight out of his mouth if that makes sense.

ALL of To Someone From a Warm Climate (Uiscefhuaraithe), ALL of Abstract (Psychopomp), and ALL of Unknown/Nth

Guys I would have to write essays on these songs and I don't want to make this post longer than it already is. Just know that I love these songs and I love Lester Papadopoulos and those two facts are intrinsically connected. That is all.

New Hozier album comes out in 10 days so here's some Hozier lyrics I can imagine Apollo writing.

I am YEARNING and I am GAY and y'all are gonna have to DEAL WITH IT.

You don't have to sing it nice / But honey sing it strong / At best you'll find a little remedy, at worst the world will sing along - To Noise Making (Sing)

A song about singing and the joy it can bring? God of music written all over it.

I wouldn't know where to start, sweet music playing in the dark / Be still, my foolish heart, don't ruin this on me - Almost (Sweet Music)

I can just see him singing this while falling in love with someone.

When, my, time comes around / Lay me gently in the cold hard earth / No grave can hold my body down / I'll crawl home to her - Work Song

And I can see him singing this while being in love with someone. Also the weight of an immortal singing about devotion after death is v interesting to me, especially when it comes to our poor has-almost-died-and-actually-died-more-times-than-any-other-immortal Apollo.

With each love I cut loose I was never the same / Watching still living roots be consumed by the flame / I was fixed on your hand of gold / Laying waste to my lovin' long ago - Would That I

Apollo's endless cycle of love and tragedy? More likely than you'd think.

When I was a man, I thought it ended / When I knew love's perfect ache / But my peace has always depended / On all the ashes in my wake -Arsonist's Lullaby

Apollo's endless cycle of love and tragedy? More likely than you'd think.

All that I've been taught / And every word I've got / Is foreign to me - Foreigner's God

In a general sense, I think this could refer to how different the rules of Olympus are to the rest of the world. Everything you're taught is right on Olympus means nothing as soon as you leave, and we see Apollo struggle with that in the books. But I also I like to relate these lyrics to the period right after the fall of Greece, when Apollo was likely torn between his people and the new invading force. Honestly I think that would be such an interesting time period to explore.

I couldn't utter my love when it counted / Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now / I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted / Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now - Shrike

Apollo definitely has a lot he regrets about certain relationships, especially after the Trials. His open affection and love for his partners wars against his inability to show true vulnerability and "weakness", so I imagine that he's been very closed off to a lot of his lovers.

So I will not ask you where you came from / I would not ask and neither would you / Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips / We should just kiss like real people do - Like Real People Do

Adding onto the last part (and this is entering headcanon territory) Apollo wants the love part of the relationship without the true vulnerability. He wants to be able to keep all of his walls up while still being truly loved, which is sadly kind of impossible. To me, it always seemed like Apollo was chasing the idea of being in love more than the person he's loving themselves. And this doesn't mean Apollo doesn't care about these relationships, in fact, he seems to throw his whole soul into them. He wants to love someone, he just isn't ready to be loved back.

The entirety of Jackie and Wilson and the entirety of Talk

They just fit man, idk

+ so much more but I'd have to write essays to fully explain how I feel about each one

I'll probably reblog this after I binge the new album with more so look forward to that.

[robincantfunction]

𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐝𝐢𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐝 (𝐰𝐞 𝐤𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡) ✰ 𝐉.𝐏 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

requested: yes/no (requests open!)

warnings: gif not mine, very dialogue heavy. i hate how i ended it tbh, but at the same time i don’t. a tiny bit of mild swearing. unrequited love. angst. mentions of death. (i will write some james fluff soon i promise.)

summary: she never smiled. not after he died. she never loved again, even if he never would have loved her back.

a/n: not a prompt, but i feel like this song goes quite well with this

“you knew my father?” harry asked her apprehensively. he was shocked, to say the least, that he found out by a photo remus gave him. why hadn’t she told him? “yeah” y/n spoke softly, she knew harry was mad, she knew she should have told him, but she just couldn’t bare it. he looked so much like james, and that in itself reminded her of him. she wasn’t sure if she could talk about him, especially not to his son. “i’ll tell you everything you want to know, another day. but right now, let me get you some photos. i’m sure you’d like to watch your father become the man he was.”

when the photos were given to him, y/n said he could take them for a little while. look at them, get to know his father through them. and so he did. he was in his bed looking through the many photo albums and scrapbooks she had made, and he realised something. these photos were the first time he had ever seen y/n smile. properly smile, like she was on top of the world. he flicked through the pages, studying each one as if it was an essay, and then he found a page that really stood out to him. at the top it read ‘our best summer yet’ the first picture was of james and y/n, they were on the hogwarts express, she was leaning her head on his shoulder, his resting on her head. in the second picture she was on his back, head resting on his. the third picture was of both of them on brooms, she was kissing his cheek. the fourth picture had all the marauders in it, but what stood out to him was the fact that james and y/n were holding hands. the fifth picture, another one of all of the marauders, it was clearly y/n’s birthday, they all surrounded her with a cake, but all y/n could look at was james. that look in her eyes is one that could only be described as love. that’s why she never spoke to him about james, she was in love with him. he decided, before he spoke to her, he would talk to remus. he grew up with them, he was her best friend. surely he’d know what happened between them.

“professor, i was wondering if you could tell me about my dad’s friendship with y/n…” remus chuckled slightly “i’m guessing she showed you her scrapbooks.” harry nodded slightly “yes, well… james was the only person she felt truly at peace around. he was her home, just as she was his. when they met, they instantly grew close, they didn’t have to try to be friends, they just were. from the second they saw eachother. it was no secret to any of us that y/n loved him, their was this way she’d look at him, talk to him, talk about him, that just made everyone connect the dots. well, everyone except him.

when james saw lily for the first time, it was some stupid crush that every 11 year old has. but james, he was a planner. he wanted to know what his life would hold for him, and in his 11 year old brain he had a future with lily, a family. but during breaks, we’d all spend them at the potters, and he’d focus on the person in front of him. the person, i strongly believe, he did, at one point, love.” he took out a photo from his desk, handing it to harry. the picture showed his dad and y/n after a quidditch cup. as soon as the game was done, she leaped into his arms. the moving picture showing just that, and the look in his eyes said it all.

“that was one of the many times the first person he’d think about was y/n. normally, after a quidditch game, he’d strut over to lily with a smirk like no other, and try and get her to talk to him. but, this time, this time he saw the person that always cheered the loudest. the person who smiled the biggest when he was around.

y/n lost a bit of that smile when your parents got together, it was her eyes. they no longer shone with this admiration, instead they showed a sense of longing.” he paused briefly “but still, she was happy for him. all she ever wanted for him was for him to be happy. for him to have that life he always desired. she just wished he had it with her.” looking up at harry, he analysed his face. he was clearly confused, but definitely invested in the story. “i was there, with her, when they told her he’d died. the way she cried, it was like you could see every ounce of happiness left of her, drained out.”

“i’m so sorry miss l/n. they didn’t make it.” the look that washed over her face, she looked like she was going to pass out. “no” she whispered “no… i saw him, i saw both of them earlier. they- they were fine” she was almost shouting at this point, not wanting to believe that they were gone. “y/n/n, come on. let’s get you inside” remus approached her cautiously. and as soon as he brought her into his embrace she started to sob, pain evident in the way her screams and cries bounced off of every surface. her body was shaking, she didn’t want to believe he was gone, she couldn’t believe he was gone. because then a part of her would be gone too. “can i see him?” her voice was barely audible, sniffs shortly following, she was still crying, but dumbledore heard nonetheless. “are you sure that’s a good idea?” both him and remus were sceptical, she already looked broken. “please, i want to see him. i want to tell him i love him.” she was practically begging them, they could see the regret on her face. the regret of never telling him how she felt.

they lead her to his body, her legs almost gave out at seeing him like that. she stumbled over to him, sitting down beside him, gently holding his face in her hands. “heya jamie” her voice breaking. tears were uncontrollably rolling down her face, she couldn’t stop them. she didn’t want to stop them. because at least they were blurring her vision, at least she didn’t have to look him in the eyes and see the lifelessness they held. “i- i uh, never thought i’d do this, certainly not like this anyway.” she chuckled dryly, no sign of humour anywhere. “god, i’m gonna miss you, and your stupid smirk, and the stupid jokes you and padfoot tell. i’m gonna miss the way you make me smile, just by being you. i’m gonna miss” she was cut of by a heart clenching sob. “i’m gonna miss you so much. i- i love you jamie. more than you’ll her know, i just wish, more than anything i could have told you that when you could respond. you’d probably apologise for not feeling the same, but you wouldn’t make it awkward. you’d give me a hug and tell me all about how i’d find someone some day, and how we’d move in next to you and lily and our kids would become friends. you’d make me a cup of tea, flash me a goofy grin and talk to me about everything and anything.” she couldn’t talk any more, she was just incoherent mumbled and sobs. remus came over to her, hugged her, and took her out the room. he knew, in that moment, he’d never see y/n l/n smile again.

“she spoke to his body, it was probably the hardest thing i’ve ever had to watch. she was distraught, but also mad at herself. she never got to tell him, and that made everything so much worse. i, i haven’t actually seen her smile since then, not really. the only person who could truly make her smile was james.” harry couldn’t help but feel bad. for multiple reasons, he made her feel bad for not telling him she knew james, but clearly it was hard for her to even think about him. let alone talk about. especially not to his son he had with the woman he loved instead of her.

when he approached her classroom, he took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.

as he walked in, he looked at y/n and gave her a hug. she happily reciprocated, but was a little confused. “i’m sorry for getting mad at you about my dad, i didn’t realise it would be so hard for you to talk about him.” she chuckled slightly as they sat down at her desk “so i’m guessing you spoke to moony, honesty harry, it’s fine. i should have been honest with you, i got the chance to meet him, to be friends with him, to love him” she whispered the last part. “you deserve to hear about him.”

harry sat down with her, waiting for her to talk, not wanting to push anything by promoting it out of her. “we met when we were little, our parents were friends. they always joked that we would fall in love, and until i was 13, i never believed it. not once. but then, after spending the holidays with him, as usual, i realised something. the way i’d gravitate towards him, the way just his presence was enough to make me smile. by the time i was 15 i realised i was in love with him. we were almost inseparable. almost. he still spent at least half an hour a day trying to win over your mum, but it never bothered me.” she paused, trying to find the right words. “i knew him. i took the time to not pay attention to the cover, and actually started reading the book. when padfoot moved in with him, he became a little less of a dick, stopped trying to fish for attention. he realised his friends were more important, padfoot was more important, i was more important… i genuinely thought we’d get together, until lily started to see him from afar, see him for what he was… a good man. they started talking, got together, fell in love, moved into a place together, got married, had a baby, and yet still i stayed.” a tear started trailing down her cheek “he was happy, i was happy. i tried, i really tried, to move on. but i never could. he was the only person i could ever see like that, no matter how many bad dates i went on. when he died, i lost myself a bit. but dumbledore asked if i’d be interested in becoming a professor at hogwarts, i needed a distraction, so of course i said yes.”

she stood up, wiping her tears “now, i know you don’t want to hear my unrequited love sob story. so, let me tell you about him.” her tears kept falling, the memories replaying in her mind weren’t enough to stop the flashing image of his dead body. “he used to stay up with me, every time i had a nightmare. no matter how many times i told him to just go to bed, he insisted that he stay with me. he used to make me a hot chocolate every time i was sad. whether someone stood me up on a date, or i got a bad grade, or i was just having a bad day… he’d bring it to me, along with one of his hoodies, and he’d sit with me and talk to me until i fell asleep. every single valentine’s day he knew i wouldn’t have a date, i never fancied such things, so he’d bring me a box of chocolates and my favourite sweets.” she chuckled slightly, remembering the stupid cards he paired along with them. “the hand made cards i got from him were always my favourite, i might still have them. i’ll show you them if i can find them, but they had these god awful drawings, and these stupid puns. that’s the kind of person he was. a pain in the arse? yes. but a genuinely caring man, someone who put his friends and family before himself. that was your dad.”

harry looked incredibly grateful, no one had ever gone into detail about his dad, or their relationship with his dad. he knew it couldn’t have been easy. “thank you professor. i really do appreciate it.” she nodded, though he could see the sadness in her eyes. she hadn’t spoken that much about him, not since he had died. she always shrugged people off, but it was therapeutic to her, to talk about him again. sure she wasn’t sure she wanted to do it with his son, but it helped. it gave her a sense of closure. before he left, she thought it was about time she told him the one thing she didn’t want to. “when you were born, james asked sirius to be your godfather. he also asked me to be your godmother. i said yes. when they died, i begged dumbledore to let me take you in. he said ‘it didn’t fit in with the plan’. there wasn’t much i could do… but. if you want to come live with me during the holidays, i’m sure i could talk to your aunt and uncle.” unsurprisingly, he looked taken back, but after a moments thought he nodded. “i’d love that, yeah.”

when he did leave, she made her way to moony’s office. by the time she knocked on the door, her eyes were already welling up. when he opened the door, he instantly knew what was wrong. “hey, come in.” he whispered, pulling her into a hug. “you want to talk about it?” she nodded sniffing. “i just miss him so much. i just wish i told him y’know. i wish i didn’t love him. i wish i could just forget about all of it.” she started sobbing. she never admitted to that, she never admitted to wishing she didn’t love him. because the truth was, as much as she did love him, she knew it would be so much easier if she didn’t. if she could forget.

-

she wouldn’t let anything happen to harry, she had promised herself she wouldn’t. so she went to the ministry, knowing she’d have to help, she couldn’t just leave him there alone. when she arrived, it was pretty instantaneous, the fight. when she started dealing with bellatrix she knew she wouldn’t last long, she was tired, and bellatrix was ruthless. the killing curse hit her, and she felt at peace, not before seeing harry’s face, who was being held back by remus. a torn expression sat on his face, all he wanted to do was scream, grab her body, but he knew he had to hold him back.

-

harry held the stone in his hand, wanting nothing more than to have his family by his side. and so they were. sirius, remus, james, lily, and y/n. lily and james were holding hands, and he couldn’t help but notice that y/n kept looking down at them. she was clearly hurt, even in the afterlife they were happy. and yet, she couldn’t. she wouldn’t meet someone new, she wouldn’t get to have a wedding, children, anything. she never felt more alone, surrounded by so many people she used to love and hold dear.

“it doesn’t hurt, does it? dying?” she shook her head, and for once her face held the faintest of smiles. “just like going to sleep” yet she felt like she was in a nightmare. permanently stuck watching lily and james, and yet they never once talked about it. he knew how she felt now, and yet he never brought it up. she figured he was waiting for her to talk about it, but she never could. not when lily was attached to him like a leech. guess some stories don’t have a happy ending. and some lights forever remain dim.

a/n: sorry it’s not the best edited (i might edit it tomorrow) but i’m tired and have a chest infection so… sorry not sorry. requests are being done but the start of this has been in my drafts for god knows how long. good news is, i have james fluff in my drafts that has been a work in progress since last year. it’s a long one, so it’s taking it’s time.

taglist: @kissmeunicornbaobei @s8liva

[neocatharsis]

NCT’s Mark Lee on Dreams, Instagram Poetry, and Growing Up

Mark has a lot going on — but he’s making time for poetry, introspection, and, of course, the members of NCT Dream. - Vivien Wu

“I’ve been thinking about dreams a lot these days!” Mark Lee exclaims over Zoom from SM Entertainment’s Seoul headquarters.

The 21-year-old leader of NCT Dream is enthusiastic as he mulls over the meaning of dreams, his back against a wall of pink and yellow flowers assembled by his fellow NCT members. He’s wearing a simple, white tee, and when he gestures with his hands, you can catch glimpses of the friendship ring that all seven members of NCT Dream wear as a symbol of their bond.

“I actually feel like dreams hold a large portion of a life, and I’m not just talking about the subconscious dreams that we all have when we sleep,” he continues. “If you put it in a way where dreams are actually things that motivate us, and the drive that keeps us going, especially as a strongly driven person myself, I feel like… a guy with no dreams is like…” He looks up, thinking. “…A car with no engine. So, I think it’s as important as yourself. That’s how deep I go with dreams.”

His interest in dreams is fitting, considering that they are also the central, underlying concept to the lore behind NCT Dream’s parent group, NCT. They connect their three subunits, NCT 127, NCT Dream, and WayV, in a complex, Inception-inspired fictional universe where dreams are the only way they can find each other, and where upon uniting they can mix to form new subunits collectively referred to as NCT U. In practical terms, this has resulted in a 23-member mega-group that is multifaceted in every way — from their musical styles and visual aesthetics to their cultural backgrounds and spoken languages.

The 21-year-old leader of NCT Dream is enthusiastic as he mulls over the meaning of dreams, his back against a wall of pink and yellow flowers assembled by his fellow NCT members. He’s wearing a simple, white tee, and when he gestures with his hands, you can catch glimpses of the friendship ring that all seven members of NCT Dream wear as a symbol of their bond.

“I actually feel like dreams hold a large portion of a life, and I’m not just talking about the subconscious dreams that we all have when we sleep,” he continues. “If you put it in a way where dreams are actually things that motivate us, and the drive that keeps us going, especially as a strongly driven person myself, I feel like… a guy with no dreams is like…” He looks up, thinking. “…A car with no engine. So, I think it’s as important as yourself. That’s how deep I go with dreams.”

His interest in dreams is fitting, considering that they are also the central, underlying concept to the lore behind NCT Dream’s parent group, NCT. They connect their three subunits, NCT 127, NCT Dream, and WayV, in a complex, Inception-inspired fictional universe where dreams are the only way they can find each other, and where upon uniting they can mix to form new subunits collectively referred to as NCT U. In practical terms, this has resulted in a 23-member mega-group that is multifaceted in every way — from their musical styles and visual aesthetics to their cultural backgrounds and spoken languages.

NCT Dream’s original teenage concept meant that members were supposed to “graduate” when they came of age, and as the oldest, Mark was the first to leave the group at the end of 2018. Having grown attached, however, fans were devastated at his departure; after a year of separation, SM announced that the graduation system would be scrapped and that he would rejoin the group. Their new album, Hot Sauce, is the first with Mark in over two years. As fellow member Haechan declared in an interview with Teen Vogue earlier this week, “Mark [is] very special. NCT Dream means Mark.”

But before the rapper led NCT Dream, and before he joined NCT U and NCT 127 and SuperM — the man is in high demand — Mark’s childhood dream was writing. He grew up in Toronto, and through doing school projects and essays quickly discovered that he had a natural way with words. Inspired by Percy Jackson author Rick Riordan, Harry Potter, and James Patterson, Mark dreamt of becoming an author, long before he was recruited by SM at a global audition in Canada in 2012. “When I was in school, I was always the kind of guy who would write more than expected, and that became a thing that clicked for me,” he says. “I was like, ‘Maybe it’s something that I naturally do?’ But then that kind of turned into rap writing too, so I guess they kind of clicked together.” It explains his prolific career as a lyricist; since debuting, he’s amassed over 30 songwriting credits across his various groups, contributing to songs as iconic as NCT U’s “Boss,” NCT 127’s “Cherry Bomb,” and NCT Dream’s “Chewing Gum.”

Even with such an extensive body of work, however, penning lyrics hasn’t satiated his appetite for literary expression. In an interview with Japanese magazine Men’s Non-No, he revealed that he still hopes one day to write a book, whether that be a novel, autobiography, or something more philosophical.

In the meantime, he’s taken to writing what are basically short poems on his Instagram, which he created just a few months ago. He’s gathered over 4.5 million followers since then, but having such a large audience hasn’t deterred him from being endearingly vulnerable with the way he writes. When I refer to them as poems, he laughs and looks embarrassed, but when I ask him to tell me the stories behind them, he’s enthusiastic again. They’re short, but offer brief glimpses into Mark the writer — sharp, inquisitive, and thoughtful. As pieces of literature, they’re a little rough around the edges, but the sincerity he’s known for shines through, illuminating the introspective, philosophical side that may not be so obvious in person.

His first poem, loosely titled “Late Night Scribbling,” put into words his musings about sleep, thoughts, feelings, and writing. It meanders from topic to topic, hovering between feelings of hope and hopelessness, before ending with a comically awkward “haha.”

“I actually wrote that by imagining how I wanted to organize my Instagram page,” he explains. “I was thinking of creating an Instagram, then I realized that, well, I’m not really a picture kind of guy, I’m not really a travelling kind of guy… I kind of studied who I am first, and I [asked myself], ‘What’s something that I can really portray in an intimate way?’ and it turned out to be writing.”

“I started to brainstorm what kind of topics I could write about, and then from there on, I started to write a little each and every night, and that turned into Late Night Scribbling,” he continues. “That kind of gave me courage to start Instagram in the first place, that piece of writing.”

Two weeks later, he followed it up with “Black Socks,” a whimsical ode to, well, black socks — complete with accompanying photos of him wearing said socks. Immediately, it feels more confident and cohesive than its predecessor. Using the neat and tidy look of black socks as a metaphor, he describes his own mindset for living life: “Pleasure from perfect alignment; That also goes for my ability to be parallel with my thoughts and actions; I try to live out what’s in my mind, and keep it consistent even when forgotten like a working habit.”

Comments on the posts praise his writing and encourage him to continue sharing these small pieces of himself. On the stage, Mark takes on a confident, larger-than-life persona, while in vlogs and spoken interviews, he’s a bubbly character full of laughter and boyish charm. What the poems show is that, beneath these outer appearances, there’s another layer of complexity that is yet to be fully explored, and it’s not surprising that fans want to know more.

His day job as a K-pop idol doesn’t allow a lot of time for hobbies, though, and he confesses to not having written much lately. Despite that, he’s determined to stay in the industry for as long as possible. “Longevity is something that I’ve always been aiming for,” he says. “I’m willing to do this for a long time, and that requires a lot of work. I’m willing to take that as a challenge and I’m trying to stay as long as I can, but with quality.”

That focus on quality informs his preparations for the upcoming promotions with NCT Dream. In both their fictional world and ours, NCT Dream are a central component of NCT by virtue of their unique focus on growth — the seven members were aged between 14 and 17 when the group first debuted in 2016. Fast-forward five years, and the members are now 19 to 21, having reached a milestone in January when the youngest, Jisung, finally became a legal adult in Korea. When asked if he feels like an adult yet, though, Mark gives an extremely relatable answer with zero hesitation.

“I still feel like I’m in middle school, I’m gonna be totally honest. I swear to God, I feel like I’m… All right, I’ll put it up — I feel like I’m in high school!” He laughs. “I even had this talk with Jisung, ‘cos he’s the latest that turned into an adult. He said that he still feels like he’s a student, he doesn’t feel like he’s 20 [19 in international age] right now.”

It’s been a long time since all seven Dream members — Mark, Renjun, Jeno, Haechan, Jaemin, Chenle, and Jisung — have released an album together, and as the first full-length album since their debut, the fan anticipation is palpably intense. Mark himself has mentioned in various vlogs how important he believes this comeback to be, and that conviction becomes obvious whenever he talks about it.

“We had a talk all together, the seven of us, without any cameras or anything. I brought all the guys together and we talked before the whole momentum started, and I said that I’m willing to put my everything on this one. Like, I always had, but I feel like… the whole universe, or like— ” He pauses, trying to figure out how to articulate himself, and his next line is the most emphatic of our whole conversation. “There are things that are out of our control, but we can see and feel when the pieces match together sometimes, and I feel like this specific moment, this particular album, kind of had those essential parts.”

He’s thinking about all of the context surrounding this comeback: the group’s coming of age, the reunion of all seven members, the scale of the album, the fact that Jisung has only just recovered from a leg injury that meant he couldn’t dance for months — even the fact that 2020 was, against all odds, the best year yet for NCT, with release after release bringing them unprecedented success and momentum.

“I felt that coming and I explained all of that [to the group],” he continues. “This whole period of time has a lot of meaning to it, and we’re not taking that for granted, we’re working hard.” With everything that’s happened, Hot Sauce is a historic moment for NCT Dream, and that’s been reflected in their numbers — the album clocked over 1.7 million pre-orders, obliterating their previous record of 500,000 for last year’s EP, Reload.

Their familial bond and the success that has come with it is the culmination of years spent living, working, and growing up together. The members have collectively missed out on key experiences that most teenagers might take for granted, distanced as they are from normal life, and the group also benefits from an unusually loose adherence to traditional Korean age hierarchy. The result is a brotherhood that goes beyond just being colleagues. “What we have is pretty intimate, and it’s also genuine,” Mark says.

About his role, he is matter of fact. “I’m by far the most easily approachable punching bag for the team. I am not… complaining…” He laughs. “But all jokes aside, I feel like my role for this team… Yes, I am the oldest and I am the leader but I’m also… In Korea, in the culture, age is very important, but we’ve come so far that all those borders kind of just vanished and we’re all pretty much friends, and I guess I’m just a friend of theirs too.”

It’s true that, despite being the leader, his friendly personality and endearingly awkward mannerisms mean that he commands about as much authority as a small puppy. Instead, much like a puppy, he is showered with love and affection (fellow member Chenle refers to Mark as his son and his actual puppy Daegal as Mark’s little sister), but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a dependable leader figure. The opposite is true — in Renjun’s words, Mark’s presence unites the group in a way that makes him irreplaceable.

The 21-year-old leader of NCT Dream is enthusiastic as he mulls over the meaning of dreams, his back against a wall of pink and yellow flowers assembled by his fellow NCT members. He’s wearing a simple, white tee, and when he gestures with his hands, you can catch glimpses of the friendship ring that all seven members of NCT Dream wear as a symbol of their bond.

“I actually feel like dreams hold a large portion of a life, and I’m not just talking about the subconscious dreams that we all have when we sleep,” he continues. “If you put it in a way where dreams are actually things that motivate us, and the drive that keeps us going, especially as a strongly driven person myself, I feel like… a guy with no dreams is like…” He looks up, thinking. “…A car with no engine. So, I think it’s as important as yourself. That’s how deep I go with dreams.”

His interest in dreams is fitting, considering that they are also the central, underlying concept to the lore behind NCT Dream’s parent group, NCT. They connect their three subunits, NCT 127, NCT Dream, and WayV, in a complex, Inception-inspired fictional universe where dreams are the only way they can find each other, and where upon uniting they can mix to form new subunits collectively referred to as NCT U. In practical terms, this has resulted in a 23-member mega-group that is multifaceted in every way — from their musical styles and visual aesthetics to their cultural backgrounds and spoken languages.

NCT Dream’s original teenage concept meant that members were supposed to “graduate” when they came of age, and as the oldest, Mark was the first to leave the group at the end of 2018. Having grown attached, however, fans were devastated at his departure; after a year of separation, SM announced that the graduation system would be scrapped and that he would rejoin the group. Their new album, Hot Sauce, is the first with Mark in over two years. As fellow member Haechan declared in an interview with Teen Vogue earlier this week, “Mark [is] very special. NCT Dream means Mark.”

But before the rapper led NCT Dream, and before he joined NCT U and NCT 127 and SuperM — the man is in high demand — Mark’s childhood dream was writing. He grew up in Toronto, and through doing school projects and essays quickly discovered that he had a natural way with words. Inspired by Percy Jackson author Rick Riordan, Harry Potter, and James Patterson, Mark dreamt of becoming an author, long before he was recruited by SM at a global audition in Canada in 2012. “When I was in school, I was always the kind of guy who would write more than expected, and that became a thing that clicked for me,” he says. “I was like, ‘Maybe it’s something that I naturally do?’ But then that kind of turned into rap writing too, so I guess they kind of clicked together.” It explains his prolific career as a lyricist; since debuting, he’s amassed over 30 songwriting credits across his various groups, contributing to songs as iconic as NCT U’s “Boss,” NCT 127’s “Cherry Bomb,” and NCT Dream’s “Chewing Gum.”

Even with such an extensive body of work, however, penning lyrics hasn’t satiated his appetite for literary expression. In an interview with Japanese magazine Men’s Non-No, he revealed that he still hopes one day to write a book, whether that be a novel, autobiography, or something more philosophical.

In the meantime, he’s taken to writing what are basically short poems on his Instagram, which he created just a few months ago. He’s gathered over 4.5 million followers since then, but having such a large audience hasn’t deterred him from being endearingly vulnerable with the way he writes. When I refer to them as poems, he laughs and looks embarrassed, but when I ask him to tell me the stories behind them, he’s enthusiastic again. They’re short, but offer brief glimpses into Mark the writer — sharp, inquisitive, and thoughtful. As pieces of literature, they’re a little rough around the edges, but the sincerity he’s known for shines through, illuminating the introspective, philosophical side that may not be so obvious in person.

His first poem, loosely titled “Late Night Scribbling,” put into words his musings about sleep, thoughts, feelings, and writing. It meanders from topic to topic, hovering between feelings of hope and hopelessness, before ending with a comically awkward “haha.”

“I actually wrote that by imagining how I wanted to organize my Instagram page,” he explains. “I was thinking of creating an Instagram, then I realized that, well, I’m not really a picture kind of guy, I’m not really a travelling kind of guy… I kind of studied who I am first, and I [asked myself], ‘What’s something that I can really portray in an intimate way?’ and it turned out to be writing.”

“I started to brainstorm what kind of topics I could write about, and then from there on, I started to write a little each and every night, and that turned into Late Night Scribbling,” he continues. “That kind of gave me courage to start Instagram in the first place, that piece of writing.”

Two weeks later, he followed it up with “Black Socks,” a whimsical ode to, well, black socks — complete with accompanying photos of him wearing said socks. Immediately, it feels more confident and cohesive than its predecessor. Using the neat and tidy look of black socks as a metaphor, he describes his own mindset for living life: “Pleasure from perfect alignment; That also goes for my ability to be parallel with my thoughts and actions; I try to live out what’s in my mind, and keep it consistent even when forgotten like a working habit.”

Comments on the posts praise his writing and encourage him to continue sharing these small pieces of himself. On the stage, Mark takes on a confident, larger-than-life persona, while in vlogs and spoken interviews, he’s a bubbly character full of laughter and boyish charm. What the poems show is that, beneath these outer appearances, there’s another layer of complexity that is yet to be fully explored, and it’s not surprising that fans want to know more.

His day job as a K-pop idol doesn’t allow a lot of time for hobbies, though, and he confesses to not having written much lately. Despite that, he’s determined to stay in the industry for as long as possible. “Longevity is something that I’ve always been aiming for,” he says. “I’m willing to do this for a long time, and that requires a lot of work. I’m willing to take that as a challenge and I’m trying to stay as long as I can, but with quality.”

That focus on quality informs his preparations for the upcoming promotions with NCT Dream. In both their fictional world and ours, NCT Dream are a central component of NCT by virtue of their unique focus on growth — the seven members were aged between 14 and 17 when the group first debuted in 2016. Fast-forward five years, and the members are now 19 to 21, having reached a milestone in January when the youngest, Jisung, finally became a legal adult in Korea. When asked if he feels like an adult yet, though, Mark gives an extremely relatable answer with zero hesitation.

“I still feel like I’m in middle school, I’m gonna be totally honest. I swear to God, I feel like I’m… All right, I’ll put it up — I feel like I’m in high school!” He laughs. “I even had this talk with Jisung, ‘cos he’s the latest that turned into an adult. He said that he still feels like he’s a student, he doesn’t feel like he’s 20 [19 in international age] right now.”

It’s been a long time since all seven Dream members — Mark, Renjun, Jeno, Haechan, Jaemin, Chenle, and Jisung — have released an album together, and as the first full-length album since their debut, the fan anticipation is palpably intense. Mark himself has mentioned in various vlogs how important he believes this comeback to be, and that conviction becomes obvious whenever he talks about it.

“We had a talk all together, the seven of us, without any cameras or anything. I brought all the guys together and we talked before the whole momentum started, and I said that I’m willing to put my everything on this one. Like, I always had, but I feel like… the whole universe, or like— ” He pauses, trying to figure out how to articulate himself, and his next line is the most emphatic of our whole conversation. “There are things that are out of our control, but we can see and feel when the pieces match together sometimes, and I feel like this specific moment, this particular album, kind of had those essential parts.”

He’s thinking about all of the context surrounding this comeback: the group’s coming of age, the reunion of all seven members, the scale of the album, the fact that Jisung has only just recovered from a leg injury that meant he couldn’t dance for months — even the fact that 2020 was, against all odds, the best year yet for NCT, with release after release bringing them unprecedented success and momentum.

“I felt that coming and I explained all of that [to the group],” he continues. “This whole period of time has a lot of meaning to it, and we’re not taking that for granted, we’re working hard.” With everything that’s happened, Hot Sauce is a historic moment for NCT Dream, and that’s been reflected in their numbers — the album clocked over 1.7 million pre-orders, obliterating their previous record of 500,000 for last year’s EP, Reload.

Their familial bond and the success that has come with it is the culmination of years spent living, working, and growing up together. The members have collectively missed out on key experiences that most teenagers might take for granted, distanced as they are from normal life, and the group also benefits from an unusually loose adherence to traditional Korean age hierarchy. The result is a brotherhood that goes beyond just being colleagues. “What we have is pretty intimate, and it’s also genuine,” Mark says.

About his role, he is matter of fact. “I’m by far the most easily approachable punching bag for the team. I am not… complaining…” He laughs. “But all jokes aside, I feel like my role for this team… Yes, I am the oldest and I am the leader but I’m also… In Korea, in the culture, age is very important, but we’ve come so far that all those borders kind of just vanished and we’re all pretty much friends, and I guess I’m just a friend of theirs too.”

It’s true that, despite being the leader, his friendly personality and endearingly awkward mannerisms mean that he commands about as much authority as a small puppy. Instead, much like a puppy, he is showered with love and affection (fellow member Chenle refers to Mark as his son and his actual puppy Daegal as Mark’s little sister), but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a dependable leader figure. The opposite is true — in Renjun’s words, Mark’s presence unites the group in a way that makes him irreplaceable.

And while this may be the fifth year since their debut, in the grand scheme of things, the members of NCT Dream are still very, very young — by most standards, they would still be considered to have their entire careers ahead of them. Growth has brought them here, but where does Mark think it will take them in the future?

“Growing just never stops for us, I can see us growing continuously, endlessly,” he replies. “What the future holds is something that we will never know, but we always do try to prepare during the present, and so with whatever time we have currently and with whatever album, or whatever stage, or whatever piece of music it may be, we’re willing to make sure that we have the next one coming too.”

A final thought. “I’m glad that we’re striving for that, ‘cos we started off as…” Mark shakes his head, “…as babies.”

© Teen Vogue

[kwangyadetective]

Hi I really love everything you write here, but I have a question since you only focua on few group. Do you have a connection or link which every group or non group in SM involved? I watched Yunho solo recently and the place is similar to NCT Heroes (the yellow room) also Changmin single Chocolate is very interesting since he look like he stole something. I belive TVXQ still have a huge influence on SM and they are olderst group on SM. Also about Super Junior which delayed their album past year and change the tittle track, I think its because of SMCU. Shinee is obvious because they take a shoot on train station, which is very important in SM (train). Maybe if you may give me sight about that?

Heyy, sorry for the late response and thanks so much for reading my theories hehe. I hope you don’t mind that I have a huge bomb long essay for you.

As for your question, unfortunately I can’t give you a definite answer. Mainly because I’m not familiar with the older artists’ lores aside from NCT and aespa (at least I have little knowledge for EXO’s and Red Velvet’s). I rarely see people theorizing about them or perhaps I barely come accross their theories. But I’ll give you some things I know.

SMCU as a whole, should be connected in some way. I mean we literally have Kwangya that is like the mixture of every artists’ worlds. We just don’t know how deep are they connected. For the most part, the artists have their own stories that they primarily focuses on in their MVs. Examples are like NCT making their dreams come true and aespa defeating their next villain and perhaps ae-Karina’s problem that we haven’t seen more of it. When we talk about connection of each artists’ stories, its more about SuperM and perhaps GOT (SM’s rotational girlgroup). They all have their own worlds/homeplanets and possibly can visit each other, SMCU Express gave that idea (possibly using trains), but as of now, I don’t think it affects their own lores at least greatly. Again, each artists have their own thing to deal with. Perhaps there can be more connection revealed if we talk about the creation of the whole SMCU and Kwangya, if SM would ever show it to us… we had the Tree of Life but don’t know if they still use it or not. It almost seems like they are rebranding their overall story when they officially introduced SMCU to us, but really, we don’t know. I blame SM for being vague.

Though I do have a theory that, whatever antagonistic character that are featured in their stories, must come from the same source. Take Black Mamba for example. We also had the (eye of the) Red Force, though we don’t know if they still use it. One thing to take note is that, each artists have their own villainous sides. There are MVs or contents that have so much villain vibes (SuperM trailers, RV Irene&Seulgi’s Monster, or honestly many of Taemin’s MVs which made me suspicious of his role in the overall story). This made a lot of people think that there might be an entity that is interfering or influencing them. You may also want to take note of the animals present in MVs. Snakes, deer (with glowing eyes), odd eyed cat (it has the red eye effect), etc. I’ve always thought they’re ‘agents’ under the evil entity.

I watched the videos you mentioned.

As for U-KNOW’s MV, I think its just to match the Korean traditional interior since the concept of the MV has something to do with traditional crime organizations or mafias (please correct me if I’m wrong). Changmin’s Chocolate does look like he stole something, but I don’t remember him actually taking the object? To be honest I’m not very sure if these scenarios are related to their SMCU role. TVXQ’s character is Speed of Light and Sound… I would need to go over all of their MVs and lyrics to understand what that truly means. Vague ideas I had of their characters are that they could be (time) travelers(?), humanoids (because of their song), or something that perhaps have a higher role than other artists since they are one of older ones. For now, I don’t have a clear idea.

I’m sure there is more to SHINee’s lore but as of now, I only know about Taemin’s and his villain-esque aesthetic. Plus his possible connection to snakes and the black mamba. For some reason too, their SMCU Express train was only shown in the sky and Key having speed power(?).

I don’t know about Super Junior delaying their album and changing their title track. And I’m not sure if SMCU affects their real life activities.

But to conclude, there is possibly a connection of each artists’ lores but SM is too vague to reveal it to us. At this point, they are focused on their own stories. Hopefully this year they will bring up SMCU as a whole again and perhaps make contents that will clear what really happened overall but I’m not expecting too much either. We’ll see.

[solivagusdraco]

From the Depths of a Lab: Boundaries Between Nonhumanity and Creativity through the Journey of a Potential Silvally 'kin

I'm a dragon.

That's a fact I've known for over a decade at this point. It was pure chance that I ever even learned of otherkin - somewhere along the line, one of my best friends mentioned being a therian, and so I asked what that was. If I ever had any doubts about my draconity just being something developed because I heard this new fascinating thing… the fact that I still feel my wings and get sense memories when I search for them, even after this long, would eliminate those… we'll call them worries. Perhaps a poor choice of words, but it's what fits in my experience - I'm firmly in the spiritual otherkin camp.

And perhaps that, and my continued journey to understand psychological 'kin, is part of the "problem" that spurred this essay.

Again, perhaps a poor choice in words.

This isn't some discussion about facets of the community, or debate on origins. My experiences aren't another's, just as theirs aren't mine. This is an essay on personal exploration, and the adventure of trying to confirm or deny a kintype whilst sifting through muddy water, years after I've last done any serious introspection on such topics. But if you're still interested in the personal ramblings of this dragon, then I welcome you and will pull up a nice rock for you to sit on. All I ask is patience, for words are hard for me. Talking about myself is even harder.

I awakened as a Dragon in 2010. I found a hearttype in Painted Dogs in 2014. Both of which were… simple.

I found my dragon in meditation and introspection, finding memories of both sense and the more traditional kind. The senses persisted, and still persist. Perhaps one day I'll wake and realize I'm not a dragon, but that doesn't change what I am now, nor how I feel. I am a dragon, and I found that through soul searching.

I found a home in painted dogs during a chance trip to the zoo. They had just recently finished a new exhibit for those fancy canines, and for some reason I just felt so excited to go see these creatures I'd never heard of before that moment. And then I saw them and while I didn't feel like looking in the mirror… It felt like looking through a photo album. I'm not them, yet still they're so familiar.

But this isn't an essay about dragons or canines. Or perhaps it's an essay about them both, just in a different, chimeric form.

Pokémon has always been a part of my life. As of writing this, I'm 27 and the franchise is 25 - the only part of my life without Pokémon are years I don't even remember. I learned the TCG, my first video games ever were Gold and Silver, I had plush and played pretend with my friends. I had favorites… but I never made a character. Not a trainer, not a Pokémon. Rather, it was literal decades before I made a proper Pokémon OC.

Sev the Silvally was made out of a desire to try and run a Pokémon ask blog as a means to improve my art skills through regular practice. I don't even remember the thought process that made me choose a Silvally over any of the other hundreds of Pokémon - I just knew that I'd started drawing and suddenly I had a crime against Arceus with a broken RKS Drive. Granted, Type: Null and Silvally had been my favorite Pokémon of that generation, and my inspiration for the blog was a Type: Null blog.

Later on, Sev would become something of a comfort and coping character for me.

I had been abused by someone I considered one of my best friends in high school, and while I had since recognized it as abuse by the time of Sev's creation… It still bothered me. So I decided to have Sev's escape from the Aether Paradise be that he was stolen by an abusive trainer, and his evolution happened when that trainer turned her abusive hand to a Rockruff pup - an evolution not through love for his trainer, but rather through a desire to protect. Sev escaped his abuse and got the chance to learn how to live without the shadow of his trainer looming over him, just like I hoped to do. Escape that shadow. Let Sev be my guide through the nightmares and hate scrolling that still persisted.

He stopped being just a character.

But what does this all have to do with otherkin?

As I mentioned, Pokémon has been a part of my life for effectively my whole life. Yet despite that… There's never been a Pokémon that gripped me with the intensity that Silvally has. I've hungrily looked for merch, official and unofficial. I'm in the midst of making a fursuit, complete with electronics. One of my Tumblr usernames is multi-attack, and oftentimes now when making an account on a website, the first thing I check is if 'Silvally' is taken as a username. The design I painted on my mailbox is of my dragon and Sev, in a sort of "coat of arms" reminiscent style. This chimeric Pokémon latched on to some part of my mind and refused to let go.

And yet it wasn't until this past year that I even considered that Silvally could be something other than a "mere" favorite character.

Perhaps it's a hearttype. Perhaps it's a kintype. Perhaps it is just a mere favorite character. Introspection is the answer, regardless. My way to find just what Silvally is to me. But then there comes another question. Another problem.

With my dragon, the hunt for memories was clear cut. I had no existing thoughts to sway the hunt, and what memories I eventually found… They had little comparisons to various dragon media I'd consumed. But I start this investigation with Silvally at a disadvantage - I've made a character with crafted backstory, and consumed what little canon information exists on the species. There's no blank slate for me to start from - whatever search I do will always be colored by Sev and his tale.

So then I have to ask myself:

Is Sev his own character, or is he me?

I've never had a character that I was able to just write. Perhaps it's akin to soulbonding, but what I've read on that experience just doesn't quite taste right for the circumstance. I'll create a path for my characters, a baseline for their personality to grow on… but all too frequently, they end up bucking those guidelines and becoming their own person, as it were. They don't keep me company in my mind, but they still make their own minds clear should I try to direct their story or actions in ways they don't agree with.

Where does one find the boundary between self and other, when those "others" make their own decisions yet aren't their own entities?

To say nothing of my tendency to dole out my flaws and traits to each of my characters. Each little facet of myself being the seed from which a character will grow. Sometimes as the simple fact that the familiar makes creation easier. Sometimes as a means to work through a problem. But regardless of reason, it doesn't change the fact that almost every character I've ever made has had some piece of me in their core.

But… When every character you make is a facet of yourself, the moment you consider that they might be more than just a character gets muddy. Is it a hearttype, born from a facet of yourself that your subconscious decided you needed to care for more? Or is that facet just a part of you that recognized what you were, long before your consciousness connected the dots? And if kintype it is, then how do you determine what memories are real? Were the plot points and character biology you designed mere fabrication of the mind? Or were they flashes of another life, fleshed out, recorded, and/or adapted in the name of writing?

As if the discovery and determination of memories wasn't already complicated enough.

Sev's name was the only decision I consciously made whilst creating him - shortened from 'severance', as his creation was for the partial purpose of finally separating myself from old memories. Everything else just… happened. There was no rhyme or reason or choice to anything. Not his color, not the reason he and the other Silvally of his world were created. Every plot point, every musing on his biology was a simple moment of "Oh, so that's how it happened".

In what way is that different from how I found my dragon, with her quiet nights of meditation and introspection until the memories and feelings fell into place?

Now don't misunderstand - this isn't me saying that discovering a kintype is nothing more than making a character. That couldn't be farther from what I'm saying! Rather, I'm musing on the question of where the boundary is between the creative process and the discovery process. If Sev (or just Silvally in general) isn't a kintype, then it's still fascinating to me that his creation was so similar to me discovering my dragon. And if he is a kintype? Then is that particular creative process something to be mindful of when contemplating "original character" kintypes?

Perhaps this question would be easier to find an "answer" to if I knew what Silvally was to me… but I don't! That's almost the point of this essay - a vague attempt to knock some solid feeling thought loose from my mind.

It just happened to lead to a fascinating line of thought.

[gyllenhaalstories]

SOUTHPAW, PART 1: HEADCANONS.

notes: dear anon: thank you for making me appreciate jake the rapper! also i know nothing about rap, so i’m sorry if this is pure trash! i never finished watching southpaw because it was too dark for me, but i took some very loose inspiration from it. warnings: mentions of dark past, mentions of sexual content... this got really long (2k words). gifs credits: alphalewolf. extras: if you want more informations about rapper!jake, please scroll through my blog. i have edited some older posts with the tag: topic: rapper!jake, so check it out if you’re interested. i have taken some ideas and put them in this list. (at the end of the list i provided some goodies!)

PART TWO WILL BE UPLOADED SOON, KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR IT!

attention, attention! please note i know absolutely nothing about rap. i very rarely enjoy listening to rap music, it’s simply not for me. this might be inaccurate and off compared to the actual world of hip hop and other similar genres. i apologize for my lack of knowledge! this is an au in which jake is not an actor or a producer or anything of the sort. his fame, he built it with his music. you must keep that in mind while reading these headcanons or else it will get confusing. also, i’ve taken some loose inspiration from jake’s actual work, but that’s just for the sake of backstory. are you ready to dive in this twisted fantasy?

Jake Gyllenhaal. Known as Hall. He exploded the charts after being picked up by one of the biggest record companies for his first album: Hall of Fame. He was a rookie, yet he was older than most of the rappers you can think of today. He worked his way up undercover. He started participating in poetry and slam nights at local cafés. He became a songwriter, through connections. He sold some songs that are absolute classics today, but he does not care. He did not feel like they fit him anyway.

Growing up, Jake had it rough. There was a lot of fighting at home. His older sister was the perfect angel and him? The absolute disaster child. It was not like he ran after danger and trouble, he seemed to always be at the wrong place in the wrong time, he hung out with the wrong crowd. He managed to avoid juvie on some miracle. What was the miracle, you might ask? He was caught robbing some local bank with his “friends” and the cops, at first, did not believe he was innocent. While his friends were screaming and threatening the innocent clients of the bank, Jake actually tried to help them out of the building safely. The cops arrived at the same moment and thought he was keeping the strangers hostage. He was arrested on the spot. The other guys played the victims, blamed it all on Jake but it was only when Jake wrote the whole story, from the beginning where his friends manipulated him and made of him their puppet to when he felt this adrenaline rush telling him he needed to save the strangers that night. His writing was too sincere, too raw to be a web of lies. The police released him, but they kept an eye on him.

His escape were writing and music. He impressed all of his teachers at school. Talented, gifted, magical. That was how they described Jake at every parent and teacher meeting. Writing dumb sentences that made very little sense and playing with a guitar after school, that did not make his parents very proud compared to his sister who was on top of all of her classes and working hard for a future of wealth and success.

Music was his entire life. He would come home from school and blast music until he was called out for dinner. Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Black Sabbath, Heart, Pink Floyd, Metallica, name it. He liked it loud. He liked it weird. He liked it with a deeper message, with double meaning.

He worked all types of jobs, some legal and some not so much. He was saving money for college. He applied. He got in. He started his classes. He had big dreams, too, he had ambitions. Maybe he could his talent to good use? He wanted to study philosophy, literature, music, creative writing... Anything that required thought and depth. He made friends, there. He befriended the edgy punk guy, he had tattoos everywhere, he listened to the same bands, he was quiet but his essays spoke volumes.

Jake was disappointed, his illusions were broken. He hated the format of his classes, the feeling like his opinion and his inspiration did not matter, it was always about meeting some stupid requirements to please a rich professor who did not care about passion, about talent, about originality. Jake dropped out, soon followed by his friend. His friend was hired at a tattoo parlor and Jake hung out there all the time. He would stay up until 5 am, 6, 7, all night and all day long. He loved the clients there. He would write and read his writing out loud to the clients when they were tortured by the needle shooting the ink in their skin. Talented and gifted, they all the same thing.

He started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

He wrote, not just stories and opinion pieces. He started writing songs, melody and lyrics. He started playing them, he started writing his own poetry too. He was introduced to freestyle battles. And as he fought against other talented thinkers, he noticed he spoke with a tempo, with a rhythm. He was rapping and he did not even realize it.

His career sky rocketed from the moment a music producer attended one of the rap battles. He was famous, he got quite the thick wallet and the connections. Jake was introduced to legends of hip hop. They all influenced him as his career grew to become something overwhelming and terrifying, yet thrilling and addictive.

Hall had a style of his own, though. It was romantic, yet absolutely disgusting and dark. It was aggressive, yet vulnerable and philosophical. He spoke of his trauma, of his hatred, of his envy, of his fears... He used his songs as an escape. He was becoming his own escape.

And his own prison. His family did not care about him, he was a shame, even. Aside from his old college friend, he never built strong friendships. They were all after him for fame and cash. He slept around, guys and gals, threesomes, foursomes... He did not care, anything for some genuine connection, even if it lasted for a very lazy and messy fifteen minutes in the trashy bathroom of a concert hall. Rumour had it he was a great lover, but he was so bad at loving.

Now it gets interesting...

Hall rapped alongsides Eminem, Drake, Kendrick Lamar, Travis Scott... The biggest pop stars were fighting just to get him to rap a line in their songs. Rihanna wishes he was the one singing Love the way you lie, does that give you an idea? He appeared on duets. He wrote more solo albums, sold them instantly. He never left the top of the billboard in weeks, months, if not years. It never really got to his head. He was still that sensitive boy writing about knights and princesses in his bedroom with walls covered by band posters. Fans did not care about this side of him, they loved him for his lyrics about snorting coke, drinking his pain away and fucking whoever wore the tiniest skirt around.

His latest album, Southpaw, was an even bigger hit. Pure filth. Pure gold. Imagine 13 tracks, Cardi’s and Megan’s WAP but reversed. He does not rap about how good he fucks people. He raps about how good they feel. That’s some real depth here, no pun intended.

You met him at one of his concerts. Your friend won VIP passes, so you were standing in the front and got to take a picture with him. You did not understand the hype around taking a photo with this guy, he just stood there and looked absolutely emotionless.

You hated rap, or perhaps you loved it. You did not care much for Jake, that was for sure. You thought he was just another lame rapper who thought he was the real deal because his lyrics were so explicit, even the clean versions made angels cry. The truth was, you did not know much a bout him. You found him too commercial, like he was scared of becoming irrelevant.

You saw right through him already.

But him? He already cared too much about you. You caught his attention as he rapped his songs. He could not take his eyes off you. You weighted heavy on his mind, caused him to stutter and forget lyricvs. Fans laughed, they said he was probably too drunk or too high too focus. Drunk in love, that’s what it was.

There was something about you. Maybe it was the Black Sabbath shirt you wore. Maybe it was the unimpressed look on your face. Maybe it was your plump lips he wanted to kiss. Maybe it was the sight of you laughing with your friend that made his heart skip a beat. Maybe it was the fact you treated him like a normal person even if you had not spoken to him first.

So, you met backstage.

Your friend was beaming from ear to ear, showering Jake in compliments.

“Did you enjoy the show?” Jake asked you.

“For someone who shows no emotion, sound dead inside and look like they wish they were doing anything but making dozens of thousands of dollars by singing a couple of semi mediocre tracks, yeah, it was not that horrible.”

He was up for a challenge.

You two exchanged insults like it was a boxing match. Each round was getting more and more intense. It was no longer insults, it was straight up flirting. You noticed when your bodies were so close you could smell the scent of watermelon chewing gum that escaped from his warm breath. You could hear the way his raced even faster than yours.

You were snapped out of this fantasy by his bodyguard, indicating other fans waited for him.

He remembered the name your friend called out, saying he needed to bring you home before something bad happened.

It was the most beautiful name he had ever heard.

He hung out around that concert hall for the next couple of days. At the bar nearby, at Starbucks, at McDonald’s, anything for the sake of seeing your face again.

And he did.

You were walking out of the record store with a vinyl of Heart squeezed under your arm. You looked so happy. You had paint stains all over your clothes. You were erasing the memories of a terrible relationship by decorating your tiny apartment, and you needed to set the right ambiance. You needed guidance, you found it in the strong minds of the ladies behind Heart, in Joan Jett, in Stevie Nicks. You found your silver lining in music.

Jake ran behind you, he pretended he was out jogging and he mysteriously bumped into you. He grabbed your vinyl before it could fall on the ground.

“Nice pick.”

“We finally agree on something.”

Another round of flirty insults...

... That ended in the two of you fucking like animals on the floor of your apartment.

And fucking on the couch the next day.

On the kitchen counter the morning after.

And finally, on the bed. That was a really special one. Jake was the first person to be on your bed since the departure of your ex. He could feel that you were not in the mood for a rough battle for dominance.

That night, he made love to you.

For, quite possibly, the first time in his life, he expressed his love directly to somebody. “Princess, baby girl, beautiful, gorgeous, amazing”, he showered you in compliments, and praises. The slow movement of his hips, the intense passion in his eyes and love in his heart spoke louder than the music you were playing in the background to set the mood.

You were not just another trophee to hang on the wall. You were special.

He was special too.

He bought you every record that reminded him of you. He bought you collector items of your favourite bands. From the silliest decoration to a new car to replace your crappy one, passing by tickets to exclusive and sold-out shows, Jake had never felt more famous in his life than when he was with you.

His fans noticed the change in his songs, in his lyrics. They were just as explicit, just as rotten and just as corrupted. However, they came from a place of light and love, not of darkness and rage.

He sang about how good your felt when you climaxed around him. How drenched he was whenever he made you squirt. How he loved to taste himnself on your lips. How he was full of love and of lust for you. How he would quit everything if it meant he would live a normal life, for once, and with you.

You inspired so many songs that became massive world-wide hits.

You travelled the world with him on tour. You helped him design his new merch and you wore his t-shirts with pride. You attended concerts in your freetime. You loved staying up all night, painting and drawing while he was writing about this mirage of a goddess, blessing his existence with a smile and a sparkle in her eyes.

He was addicted to you.

He was crazy for you.

And he went crazy on you.

for research purposes and not because i wasted my time hearing eminem talk about stuff i don’t understand so i could stare at jake’s thighs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mP_cKP4OjsA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whV5oQDvVWE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGqC9URTJIQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5imXD1LPnwo

and finally, for good measure :

@gyll-yee-haw​ ily

[nobody-knose--archive]

finally got around to listening to sketches 3d today and man! man! oh boy! liveblog under the cut!

-piano. exactly what i was expecting

-vibrato huh

-ayyy that's some. funky percussion

-this is like the fullerenes or something. a song about an Interesting Lady

-and there's that one grainy string synth/sample that andrew uses a lot & also appears in hawaii part ii

-more percussion. this is so cool

-i wasn't expecting this to be quite so minor key

-man if that was courtney on the flute there i think that'd be sick

-sing it andrew!

-i'm already having a more cheery time than i did with nat

-zubin???

-i will absolutely have to review that voice

-wait what the fuck is happening to her

-darling you good?

-anyway. classic andrew horowitz funky out-of-tune synths

-rattle rattle

-more out of tune piano. what song is this

-oh shit!!! this is the song my friends like

-tambourine <3

-you & me? sides of a coin? good & evil?

-so weird hearing all these lyrics i've seen in the song channel sung aloud for real

-andrew is doing some good singing here. he's good at carrying the melody on his own even though i've not heard much of that from him in the past save fate of the stars maybe

-he's always been good at that percussion

-all different types of percussion. tinny little gong like it's the whole world & you acoustic

-tambourine <3 <3

-so incredibly weird knowing what the lyrics are going to be without knowing what the song sounds like. i know how these words go in order but don't know how the melody carries them

-interesting thing about sketches so far. it's very strong & powerful but it doesn't block out the world like other new songs will. i'm not being taken somewhere else it's more like the whole rest of the world is being highlighted

-alright what's next?

-7/4 hummingbird????? or is this 6/4???

-no no no it's 5/4 and doing funky things with the onbeat i love this

-asking questions to a little creature is the best kind of pasttime and i mean that

-man andrew mixed this really well he's just. incredible at that

-he's making each song distnict while also giving sketches a clear theme

-a minor turn. i like that

-now what could this be?

-not lemons & pears yet?

-daisy fingers hell yes

-another song about a lady

-spoke mostly harmony oh you clever man

-thank you andrew for doing more with time signatures than tally hall ever did. first 5/4 and now 6/8

-the combination of very out of tune & rough percussions and incredibly beep bloopy synths is so cool

-conversations with a lady. this feels like a story of andrew visiting another world and being like "might as well write some songs about the fellows and stories round here"

-the whole album, i mean

-i am inspired by you, andrew

-this whole album is everything i could've hoped for and more

-the interesting thing about it is how few questions i find myself asking. i'm just looking at this stuff i have and being like wow! &, cool! not what i usually do with new albums

-divine inspiration bay be

-that's like. the opposite of an 80s fadeout

-oh that is absolutely the little sfx from the beginning of perfect at the end

-wait speaking of at the end

-no this is have a nice day interludinal

-is this a polyrhythm? there's a 4/4 type thing in the background and the foreground is. not on the onbeat i can say that much

-man i am going to have a nice day

-he's a good musician, able to make so much music out of a single interval

-lemons & pears!!!!

-toy orchestra my beloved that's the fuckin toy piano bay be wooooo

-but man oh boy does this sound absolutely different with only a one single guy singing

-ukulele in the bg? toy orchestra <3

-interesting being able to actually hear like. all of the lyrics for real

-some of the little riffs are gone and there are quite a many more

-hello?

-oh okay

-yeah i heard about the fucking gunshots that doesn't mean i was prepared for them

-the chorus sounds so nice i love this

-guest vocals?????????? whomst????????????

-who is this lady i'm so curious is she from the old toy orchestra? that'd be amazing

-breakdown time and it sounds so similar to the toy orchestra one. man

-at the end is. not the end of the album

-i think the thing that's getting me and not prompting as many questions is the fact that like. i hear these songs and hear tally hall songs. andrew's singing & i could hear this on a tally hall album with ease. it's strange

-i think the hi-hat and other little bits in this song, for example, reminds me of ross

-andrew's always tried hard at rock, and percussion is a massive part of that-wait he's scat singing i can finish that thought later i love this

-his songs are also very easy to sing along to without meaning to. first time hearing them and here i go

-anyway percussion is a massive part of rock, andy's always had an affinity for percussion, i think that's what's making me think of tally hall so much, or at least be. comfortably experiencing this in the same way i would a tally hall album

-i can't say the same of hawaii part ii

-if there's anywhere that lists the credits somewhere i'd like to see if ross worked on this at all but. i'm pretty sure he didn't

-where am i-oh shit a crowd

-nowhere else this is a song i think i know nothing about

-all that shit i was saying about rock percussion and now there's a whole entire drumkit going here

-alrighty

-that is not only andrew singing! again! who are you

-.....casey shea?????

-you sound like casey shea sir??????

-you are either casey shea or someone else who sounds like a beatle (affectionate, instead of derogatory)

-good guitar shit

-is that a third voice or does andrew just sound like that?

-madi diaz???

-i'm probably just guessing her because of the rendezvous but. there's gotta be someone more

-a whole lot of love going on here and i do appreciate it

-is it 80's fadeout time now? hell yeah

-oh yes the rainbow connection! a cover and the final song of the album (not counting the bonus tracks, which i will be listening to)

-i think i may have heard this before? or at least the minor rendition

-stylophone?

-humming. classic move

-theremin??

-music box is also cool. i swear i won't just be commentating on the instrumence alright

-what on earth is this sample in the background. steadily getting louder

-man andrew is a great singer. the consistent double vocals/heavy vibrato suits him well

-i will assume these are samples from like. the muppets movie

-does sketches (3d or otherwise) have a pdf like hwptii & nat? i sure hope so because i will enjoy looking at it

-vocalizing again let's a go

-more gong wahoo

-bonus track time <3

-tomorrow & today is a song i know pretty damn well i hope he's more legible now

-mostly the same as the 2011 version but it certainly is updated i can tell. more echo on these beginning lines

-piano is stronger. there may or may not be some added flairs. not a whole lot blatantly changed but i can say. i'll remove the 2011 version and replace it with this one for charlie

-there's a riff in my right ear that i don't remember and i like it

-this bit right here is more legible in general thank god it was incomprehensible originally

-the stomping percussion is Goin places

-and to end the whole song- you know yesterday fueled by a listen of nat i came up with an abundance of thoughts on writing styles in tally hall and especially how andrew's songs go places and what the journey's like and while that essay really won't fit into this liveblog i really enjoy how tomorrow & today has no destination in mind and it's a gradual trip but you never look back

-such strong g&e vibes

-misfortune bay be! time to replace the other misfortune charlie has with this

-sheet music???? jenny where did you find this? [referring to the image used in the video she uploaded i listened to] also this is still not the whole song i know the original misfortune wasn't but it feels strange to start this far into the song

-chords my beloved i could fucking play this song i'm so hyped about that

-toy orchestra solid soda real <3

-the one and only studio recording toy orchestra did. this is some of the best evidence for steve gallagher's voice we have

-also the audio is higher quality than the yt upload i think

-oh a casio organ not a real organ. okay i can't complain

-i like the sound of the piano at least. also this is horrendously gorey i like it

-andrew horowitz horror writer extraordinaire

-these sound like the sorts of drum synths my electric organ has

-i actually can't tell if that one's a guest vocal or andrew just being a very very good singer

-this sounds like some sort of recording you'd take of your kid's music school performance

-oh it's over

-fuck that was good

[absolutepx]

So I've been playing Death Stranding lately. Wait, that's not what this post is about. Well, it kind of is. Hang on. What is Death Stranding about?

A: Norman Reedus getting bare ass naked B. Sneaking around ghosts with the help of your sidekick, an actual baby C: Carrying 50 Amazon packages up a hill while trying to not topple over D: Waking up in the morning and drinking 5 Monster Energy™ for breakfast

For those following along at home, the answer is actually none of the above. Despite the set dressing being bizarre to the point of near absurdity, what the game is actually about, like thematically, is actually really simple.

See, the development of Death Stranding was actually quite a trip. Hideo Kojima is the video game world's equivalent of an auteur director. He has a very recognizable personal style. It's thoroughly horny – he caught a bunch of shit for the design of Quiet in MGSV, but like, a lot of Kojima characters are just -like that-, including the dudes. Also, this is going to possibly be important later.

Anyway, so Kojima was going to do a rebootmakequel of Silent Hill, and the demo actually made it to the PS store and I could actually write a whole side essay about why P.T. (it was called P.T. for some reason btw) was brilliant game design for how it used the same hallway over and over and it was somehow beneficial to the overall feeling of horror. So Konami it turns out kinda sucks nowadays and they like, fired Kojima (they were huge dicks about it behind closed doors, too) and scrapped the project and kicked him out on the street and kept the Metal Gear series which was his baby (literally the baby in the sink in P.T., he snuck a bunch of messaging about the Konami situation into the demo like a breakup album) and Kojima would go on to form his own studio and poach some of the people who worked with him to boot. So the thing about Kojima is this: he's got a reputation for already putting some wild shit in his games, like a ladder that takes like 10 real time minutes to climb in MGS3 for dramatic effect, and a boss in MGS3 that summons the ghosts of all the people you were too lazy to stealth past and killed, or a sniper battle with a really old guy that he wanted to have last two weeks or some shit until he died of old age but he was "told that "this was impossible and not recommended." That is a real quote I just looked up. So he's coming off the heels of making this hugely successful game with MGSV and the hype of the P.T. Demo and he fucking, he like took all the people that were going to be working on P.T. Along like Guillermo Del Toro was going to co-write it and Norman Reedus was going to star in it, and he's like, I'm going to make this game called Death Stranding. And the first trailer comes out for it and it's completely nuts. Norman Reedus wakes up naked on a beach crying with a baby and there are floating people in the sky? So we're all like hooooooly shit, there's no one to tell him "this is impossible and not recommended" anymore. What's he going to make now!?

So the whole time the game is in development I keep seeing these tweets where it'll be like, Kojima and one of his homies smiling with some saccharine message about being spiritual warriors and changing the world. And not just Del Toro and Reedus, there was Mads Mikkelsen (another guy Kojima puts in the game just because he apparently loves him), and the band Chvches, and also like, Keanu Reeves at one point? You know how everyone has just kind of accepted that Keanu is a being of light? Here he was endorsing Kojima. The hype was pretty confused and frantic.

The game eventually comes out. A lot of game journos hate it because I think there was this expectation it was going to be, you know, less weird and have more of the conventional structure of a video game. That's not to say the average gamer wasn't also dismissive of it, but I think on the ground level there was more of an understanding that like, yeah, Kojima just be like that sometimes.

Because the game was a timed console exclusive and your homie don't play like that, I spent the first year or so cautiously viewing Death Stranding from a distance. I wasn't sure I was going to like it – except for being really impressed with P.T., I wasn't actually a big fan of Kojima's games as games – but I -was- sure that I was going to buy it, because of the way Konami fucked him over, just out of support. And the shit I was hearing was really out there. The primary mode of gameplay is just delivery packages. You collect Norman Reedus' bathwater and pee and use it as grenades. You get a motorcycle that looks like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus, and when you sit on it, his character in the game says "Wow, this thing is like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus!"

But I didn't really want to know that much about it. Something has that much fucking crazy person energy, you want to go in mostly blind, right? So maybe people just weren't talking about this, or maybe I wasn't seeing it, but then I watched Girlfriend Reviews' video about it and they came right out and said it (link provided if you want to hear Shelby say it more articulately than me):

Death Stranding is basically about the exact opposite of Twitter. It's about remembering how to be kind to each other, how to reconnect in a world where people are so often hostile to each other by default. Prophetically, it's about a world where people are afraid to go outside or touch other people and how damaging that is. It's not a game about carrying packages, it's a game about helping people by being brave enough to walk through a wasteland carrying their burdens because they can't. It's about rebuilding the lost connections between people, about restoring roads and giving people hope. I bet, for Kojima and the people close to him, it's about how to answer hostility with compassion. You can't kill people in Death Stranding. You can and are absolutely encouraged to fucking throw hands with people sometimes, but all the tools and weapons are nonlethal. So I think Kojima took all the Twitter heat he got over the Quiet nontroversy, and all the feelings of isolation he had from Konami separating him from his team during the end of the development of MGSV, and all the support and encouragement he got from his bros Del Toro and Mads and the rest, and decided to channel that into making a game that was a statement about all of it. And sure, it's a little heavy handed, and sure, it's a little saccharine, and sure, the gameplay sometimes borders on miserable in service of creating emotional payoffs. For me, especially in 2020, this message is a huge success. Social media should be an opportunity for all of us to feel more connected to each other, yet primarily it feels like one of the main forces driving people apart. Why is that? Why is the internet of today such a hostile place? I'm old enough to remember web 1.0: I can haz cheezburger memes; YTMND; the early wild west days of Youtube... What happened to us? I've thrown the blame at Twitter in the past, and I think the architecture of the user experience on Twitter is absolutely a big piece of the puzzle, because it fosters negative interactions. But in terms of the behavior, people have observed that 2018 Twitter was actually almost exactly like 2014 Tumblr. (For the record, Tumblr is now one of the chillest places left on the internet, because so few fucks are left to give.)

I think part of it is the anonymity. The dehumanizing disconnection of the separation of screens and miles. Louis CK, before he was cancelled, had a great point about cyberbullying, and why it's so much more savage than kids are IRL. When you pick on someone in person and you are confronted with seeing the pain you caused them, for most sane people it causes negative feedback and you become disgusted with your actions and eventually learn to stop being a shithead. Online, at best you can "break the wrist, walk away".

At worst, you can become addicted to "clout chasing" and the psychological thrill of being cheered on by your social ingroup. It's even worse if you feel like it's not bullying and your actions are justified because whoever you've targeted is a bad person so you don't have to feel bad about what you do to them. This is where reductive, unhelpful catchphrases like "punch a nazi" come in. For every argument, one or both sides have convinced themselves that the other side is subhuman because their beliefs are so disgusting. And sometimes it's even true! A lot of times, especially these days, people really are acting like animals or worse online. Entire disinformation engines are roaring day and night, churning out garbage and cluttering the social consciousness. (Kojima talked about this bit, too, way back in MGS2. As if I wasn't already in danger of losing my thread through this.)

The human brain was not built to live like this. You can't wake up every morning, roll over and open your phone, and be immediately faced with a tidal wave of anger and indignity. It wasn't built to be aware of fully how horrible the world is at any moment ALL AT ONCE, ALL THE TIME. And you will be. Because of another way that our brain works – the way we are more likely to share negative opinions. And because of the cottage industry built on farming outrage clicks, and because of constant performative activism.

It's not that I don't agree that being informed is important.

It's not that I don't agree that the causes people get riled up about are important.

They are. They absolutely are.

But we can't keep living like this. The constant, unending flood of tragedy, arguments, and hot takes. How much of the negativity we associate with online culture is the product of this feedback loop? What if the rise of doomer culture has been, if not entirely created by, has been nourished and exacerbated by our hostile attitudes toward each other?  Incels and TERFs, white supremacists, radfems, tankies and Trumpers – it seems like on every side of every issue, there are people simultaneously getting it wrong in multiple directions at once and there are more being radicalized every day. They are the toxic waste left behind by the state of discourse. And any hill is a hill worth dying on.

So what am I actually advocating? I don't know. There are a lot of fights going on right now that are important and we can't just climb into bunkers and ignore our problems hoping that Norman Reedus and his fine ass are going to leave the shit we need on our doorsteps. We need to find the strength to carry those hypothetical packages for ourselves sometimes - and hopefully, for others as well. Humans are social creatures. We need interaction and enrichment.

We need love.

So just try to remember the connections between humanity. Try to put more good stuff into the world when you can. Share more shitposts and memes. Tell your friends and family that you love them. Share good news when you hear it. Go on a weird fucking tangent about Death Stranding. Find a way to "be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes."

[alexiessan]

Never alone - Chapter Two - Soulmate AU

AO3

Previous - Here - Next

Master List

Hello! Faster than ever before, I present you the second chapter of Never Alone!

I chose to not describe Marinette with her clothes or hairstyle so that you can imagine her as you want! In my mind, since she's a fashion designer, I imagine her always changing her clothes and very fashionable. I don't see her with her pigtails either. But it's up to you as to how you see her!

Also, I'm French, so if there are any grammatical mistakes, do not hesitate to tell me so I can come back and correct them!

Two months in the new school year, and Marinette was already exhausted. While she had a very calm summer filled with outings with her friends, she was now drowning in work. Jagged wanted her to design his newest album cover, and Clara Nightingale has asked for a new outfit for a music video.

 At school, Alya and Marinette were doing their best to find a good trip for the end of the year. The school had a decent amount of money that was set aside specifically for their class trip, but they would need to organize an event or two if they wanted to go somewhere outside of Europe. They were lucky enough that their class’ trip was set for their first year of high school: Mrs. Mendelieiv’s class’ trip was set for the next year, right before the first set of exams for the baccalaureat. 

 Along with all that, there was also her duty as Ladybug. Hawkmoth has been relatively calm during the summer, but as soon as school started again in September, he released his akumas again.

 Except, now, they were more brutal than ever before.

 Ladybug cursed as the Akuma managed to deeply cut her on her left side. She watched as Chat jumped in as she collapsed on the roof they were battling. True to his promise, Chat took his job more seriously and only joked during patrols now. He also stopped to jump mindlessly in front of her to save her from a hit and actually tried to get both of them out of the way.

 The Akuma they were fighting was a dangerous one. His arm has been transformed into two big shears, and they hurt like hell.

 Ladybug watched with fascination as her hand was tainted with her own blood. She couldn’t remember if an Akuma had hurt her that much before… She knew for sure that she was bleeding too heavily and she was getting a bit dizzy. They would need to end the fight very soon.

 Standing up, she took advantage of the distraction Chat provided to trip the Akuma with her yoyo, succeeding in tripping him. Quickly, Chat snatched the man’s bow and used cataclysm on it.

 As she cleansed the Akuma and watched the light heal Paris and herself as she cast the cure, the red-clothed superhero couldn’t help but think it was time to contact the Justice League again.

 Back when they got their miraculous, she and Chat had contacted the Justice League of Europe to ask for help. They were just teenagers without any training entrusted to protect a whole city as big as Paris, and it was clear to them they couldn’t possibly do that alone.

 The person they had talked to at the moment had listened to them, took note and told them they would come back to them after informing the heroes of the issue in Paris. It was a month later that one of the heroes contacted them, informing them they would not intervene in Paris, as they have been doing a good job up until now and the miraculous cure healed everyone and repaired everything. They then give them words of encouragement before they cut the connection.

 Ladybug had then wanted to contact the Justice League of America before remembering they wouldn’t be able to do anything as France was certainly not under their jurisdiction. 

 And thus, there they were, still two untrained teenagers, acting on instinct against people with magic powers.

 Great.

 She let Chat take care of the victim, still feeling the pain on her left side, even though it was healed and there was not a trace of blood left on her person.

 “Are you ok?”

 Ladybug watched as the victim was taken care of by some policemen and turned her attention to her partner.

 “I’m fine Chat. Sorry I had to let you handle everything.”

 “Hey, you were hurt and losing a lot of blood. It’s a wonder you could even stand up afterward.”

 The girl smiled. “Should we try to contact the JLE again?”

 Chat Noir sighed. “Even though they won’t intervene, they are watching closely what’s happening here. If they haven’t decided to step in yet, contacting them won’t change anything LB.”

 Ladybug sighed. “You’re right. Of course. I should go Chat, I’m about to transform back.”

 “Sure thing. I’ll see you later, then.”

                                                                                               Back in her room, Marinette winced as she sat down on her bed.

 “Are you really ok Marinette?”

 Tikki was looking at her with her big, wide blue eyes. She was obviously worried.

 “I’m fine, just a bit sore. I’m lucky that the cure healed me, but I think I’ll still feel the pain for a few days.”

 While the cure healed her, the pain stayed for some time after, varying on the severity of the injury. Since her latest injure was pretty severe, it would hurt for a little while.

 “Alright, I still have some homework to do for tomorrow. You should eat something and go to sleep Tikki, you must be tired after today. There should be a cookie or two on my desk.”

 The kwami looked at her for a moment before flying over her desk, knowing it was useless to insist and there wasn’t anything she could do anyway. Even if she wished she could take Marinette’s pain away.  

                      “Alright girl, you said you found something for the trip?”

 It was early December now, and Marinette had asked Alya to join her in the school library to discuss the trip. The fashion designer took the laptop out of her bag and opened it to show her what she found.

 “So, you know how the trip also has to be educational? This is the Wayne Career Program. It’s designed for high school students. Each one of us would shadow someone in the firm as a sort of internship to learn about different professions.”

 “Putain, girl! That’s amazing. Wayne Enterprises have a lot of different sectors. I could totally work with the PR team if we can manage to secure a trip there. Plus it’s in Gotham, in America!”

 Alya literally squealed at the idea of traveling overseas.

 “Yeah, I’m a bit worried about that actually. You know it’s not really the safest place on Earth.”

 And what an understatement that was. Gotham was probably the city with the most crimes in the world. It would be a miracle if the school allowed them to go. But then again, the school board would do anything to up their reputation and a class winning an internship at WE… The principal would boast about it years after they had all graduated.

 “There is an essay we have to write to apply. I suggest we write it before we present the idea to Ms. Bustier. We also need to prepare arguments for her and the school board.”

 “No problem girl, I already have tons of arguments there.” The reporter showed her her notebook where there were two pages filled with arguments. The class president nodded, those were really good. She could really rely on her friend.

 “Well, that was quick. Those should be enough to convince them. On to the essay, then. ‘How do you think you can change the world?’”

 They spent hours after that, taking notes and making several drafts of the essay. It took them a week to have the actual final product and when they handed it to Ms. Bustier, she was delighted. It was decided they wouldn’t announce the destination of the trip to the class until they were sure it could be a possibility.

 Alya and Marinette had dropped hints about the destination though, to see if the class would actually like to go to Gotham.

 After a week or so, they knew they had chosen well.

 On Marinette’s birthday, on the 16th of December, after lunch where the whole class sang Happy birthday to her, the class president and the class deputy had a meeting with the principal and the board of the school.

 It was tough to convince them, and the meeting actually lasted the whole afternoon, but at the end of the day, they had all signed the papers that confirmed that the trip would happen in Gotham, should the two girls won the contest. They even agreed to unfreeze some more funds for it. This program would really look good on the school’s record. 

 It was with a bright smile that they returned to class ten minutes before the end of the day bell and announced to everyone that the trip to Gotham has been confirmed. Using the classroom’s computer, the whole class witness as the two girls applied to the Wayne Career Program.

 Now, all they had to do was wait for an answer. 

                                                                                 Life after that was a bit calmer for Marinette, if you didn’t count the Akumas. She worried that they were more and more violent, and more often than not, she had lingering pain from injuries she got at Ladybug.

 But life was good. Lila had even stopped lying and was herself. Even if it means that she wasn’t very kind to anyone, even mocking all of them at times, the class would just scoff and roll their eyes at her antics. The designer still wouldn’t talk to her, but the atmosphere in the class was lighter than the previous year, and for that Marinette was grateful.

 They were all at an outdoor ice rink at the end of January when Marinette’s phone beeped with a notification. 

 “Oh fucking shit, guys!”

 It caught everyone’s attention as the tiny Dupain-Cheng was not one to curse like that.

 “I just got an email for Mr. Wayne’s secretary! Our class is among the nine others to have won the contest! We are going to Gotham in May!”

 Everyone cheered at that, hugging each other and even going as far as carrying Marinette and Alya around, as it was their doing.

 “America, here we come!” shouted Kim.

 “You do realize that you will have to work extra hard on your English, right?” teased Max.

 “Oh, shit.”

 Everyone laughed at that, but it was agreed among themselves and their English teacher that they would all stay for an hour and a half after school to learn the language, up until their trip.

 “I can’t wait to see Gotham’s heroes in action!” squealed Alya.

 “Aren’t they vigilantes?” asked Mylène.

 “Same thing!”

 “Not quite, babe.” grinned Nino.

 Even Lila was smiling with them, and it was huge progress in their book.

 Marinette smiled, “We’ll be there for two weeks. The first week, we’ll be visiting around, and the second week will be dedicated to our internships. I will have to send a list of all our careers of interest to Mr. Wayne’s secretary, so they can organize who we will be shadowing. So, I’ll need you to send me those pieces of information this weekend, so I can send it on Monday, okay?”

 “Roger that, boss.”

 As Alya took her hand to skate with her around the rink, the baker’s daughter couldn’t help the huge smile on her lips. A year ago, there was a lot of tension in the class, and here they were, all laughing together and talking excitedly about the upcoming trip that their class president and deputy won them.

 She could hear Rose talking excitedly about the things she wanted to see in Gotham. She watched as Kim challenged Alix on God knows what and laughed as Max stated that he had a two-percent chance of winning that bet. She smiled as Adrien, with them at an outing for once, fell on his butt and Nino laughed as he helped him up. She even grinned as she watched Lila having a conversation with Nathaniel without being mean or mocking him once.

 She had thought a year before that Lila would never change, but she was wrong. And she was happy that she had been, because even though Lila wasn’t very nice, well, all her classmates were kind enough to make up for it.

 Yeah, Marinette thought with a smile, life was good. And she had a feeling that it would be even better.

Tag list: 

@bigpicklebananatree @animegirlweeb @crazylittlemunchkin @northernbluetongue @cutechip @justafanwarrior @iloontjeboontje @resignedcatservant

[silentlsworld]

Chapter 8 Excerpt: TQIY

EXCERPT FROM The Quarantine in the Year now live on AO3 (also, thought this gif was fitting since our duo is dancing this chapter!) 

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Disclaimer: Okay so, now I can say I own a single character. Shannon in this one is mine and for as long as she's here in this world, she will be. I think I'm going somewhere with her and I like it. Everybody else, nah, they ain't mine. Also, the song lyrics ain't mine either.

A/N: So, I posted once already for this period/day but you know, I just sat down and magic. In forty minutes, this was born. Please if you don't know Paramore's Riot album, I recommend listening to it. It was my muse tonight. We go a little harder than I thought and definitely not where I thought I'd end up but here we go. Pt. 2 of the rock n roll festivities. Lemme know what you think!

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Brennan stared in awe at her husband. Booth was playing an air guitar and banging his head around to the beat lip-syncing. While it was totally out of her comfort zone, she couldn’t help but feel connected. An enigma she was certain of it. But as it was many times before, being with Booth did that. Since the beginning. Arguing with him then set her on fire in ways she couldn’t begin to describe. If she were totally honest with herself, she would admit that it had scared her. Never before had she met someone who could irritate her to her last cell but still manage to pull her in oh so close to the point of letting down her walls.

Like her husband, it made no sense, but she was in for the long run. She shook her head. A couple years ago she was certain that she would never be able to give him the 30, 40 or 50 years he wanted. But now, almost seven years later, she was happily married to the same man who had not once given up on them. Yes, it may have seemed so at one point, but Booth had told her that even then, his attempt at moving on was futile a mistake. Temperance Brennan, at this moment in her yoga pants and tank top, hair down was in it for the 30, 40 or 50 years she would get with her husband and she wouldn’t want it any other way. Breaking her out of her thoughts were the lyrics Booth was now lip-syncing to.

We’ll get it right this time …... I’ve gone for too long living like I’m not alive So I’m gonna start over tonight Beginning with you and I I don’t want to run from anything uncomfortable I just need this pain to end right now I’m not going Cause I’ve been waiting for a miracle

“Bones, you okay?”

The music had died down a bit and the current song playing was some kind of acoustic version of what she assumed was a very upbeat, jump around and scream song.

“Yes, of course… I’m-I’m more than okay Booth.”

“Okay, you wanna join me? It’s actually very therapeutic. You know? Just getting it all out.”

“Yes, I can imagine although I am quite positive, we’ll both need a shower after.”

“Well, how’s about we sweat it all out now and then clean each other in the shower?” Booth’s eyebrows shot up in a mischievous waggle. Throwing her head back laughing, Brennan shook her head at her husband’s very non-subtle way to seduce her.

“Oh Bones! Here’s another headbanger!”

Booth began again.

Oh no I just keep on falling And where’s hope, when misery comes crawling? With your fate, you’ll trigger a landslide And kill off this common sense of mind

“Oh I love this song!” Brennan cheered getting into the groove of just letting her body loose.

“You do? Bones, I didn’t know that.”

“Yes, I was out of state working with a colleague of mine on a research project. It was very… The subject matter hit close to home as it dealt with identifying bone remodeling on victims of abuse. Most of the case study came from children in the foster system.”

Booth now intrigued had paused the music momentarily to listen to Brennan.

“There were a few remains we were studying and a few children who were alive that we interviewed. One of the girls… Shannon was her name. She was a teenager. Similar start in the system like I had and the few homes she had been in prior to being rescued had been abusive. Very abusive. Anyways, I was working with her because I couldn’t explain it at the time, but I felt drawn to her.” Drawing a shaky breath, Brennan reached out to hold on to Booth. Something she did now when she needed to feel grounded.

“She and I worked together for days talking about her story. One day, I went by the shelter she was staying in to take her out to lunch. I went up to her room and this was the song she was listening to. On repeat. When I asked why, she said it gave her hope. It helped her acknowledge that any day might be the end, that her life was difficult, but she had a purpose. She was born for this and she would live like it… like any day was her last. She wanted that chance to do so. To live like every day was her last by choice instead of wondering if it would because of her reality. Given the injuries she had sustained, and from what I saw on her x-rays, that may have well been the case when she was in those homes.”

“What happened to her after that?”

“Well, that day, I danced around with her a bit and we got lunch came back to her place and danced around some more. I helped with homework and she got me a copy of the song so I could listen to it. She got adopted. At the end of the study, there was a couple who couldn’t have children and had wanted a teenage daughter to care for. They came, met Shannon and adopted her.”

“That must have been great for her.”

“Yes, it was. It was also quite emotional to see her go. I had helped her pack and get her stuff together. She left me with a copy of the song and a picture we took together. Every day, at least once a day, I would listen to it and think of her.” Brennan smiled softly; her eyes distant remembering the curly-haired young woman she had befriended years ago.

“Do you know where she is now?”

“Yes, she’s living in New York I believe. She had moved to California with her adoptive parents. We stayed in touch. Via email mostly. She would send me essays to proofread for her, reach out about questions in general about life after the system. She graduated in the top ten of her high school class. She was fourteen at the time when I met her. She then went to Boston University. Majored in linguistics and writing. She works for the New Yorker I believe and teaches part-time at NYU.”

“She made something of herself. Just like you did.”

“Yes, she did.”

“Do you still talk to her?”

“Every now and then. She considers me a mentor, although our relationship is more reminiscent of an older and younger sister duo.”

“I’d love to meet her one day.”

“I think we can set that up. I’ll email and set up a video call. I’d love to catch up with her also. It’s been a while since our last correspondence.”

“You know Bones, I’ve told you this before but seriously. People don’t give you enough credit for that heart of yours. It is beautiful baby. As are you.”

“Booth…” Brennan ducked her head shyly at her husband’s praises.

“Well, this is for Shannon.” Lifting the remote, he turned on the song again and they both danced their hearts out. Booth for the huge heart and life his wife had been born for and Brennan for the life she realized she was born for.

Say this with me go We were born for this (We were born for this) We were born for this (We were born for this) We were born for, we were born for

Brennan hopped up on the couch and banged her head, throwing her fists up singing rather than lip-syncing.

Everybody sing Like it’s the last song you will ever sing Tell me, tell me can you feel the pressure? Everybody live Like it’s the last day you will ever see

And that they did. On the couch, on the floor, jumping around the entire floor. Booth and Brennan danced as if that night were their last and when the music continued, so did they. Only stopping to grab beer from the fridge and even then, they were so pumped they couldn’t stop the dancing. Then they drank for the hurt, pain, detours and chaos they had and were dealing with.

Why do we like to hurt so much Oh why do we like to hurt so much That’s what you get when you let your heart win

When they had danced for another hour, they let their heart win for the night. Retiring to their bathroom, they gently washed each other cooling off. Gentle touches turned to passionate moments of love declarations only to then end in them dancing together in a way they had perfected over the years they had been together. Silent pleas, approvals and encouragements. Hands covering the others screams only to remember that there was a thunderstorm scheduled that night. Noise was warranted and indulging in a laugh together, foreheads pressed together, limbs a tangle in sheets, they proceeded to create their own thunderstorm.

A storm so beautiful, so fragile, passionate, life-giving and breathtaking. It was an enigma like them. To Temperance Brennan and Seeley Booth, it was a storm they would live in and would make last forever unwilling to force their eyes to see the end.