#the way i am not receiving ANY pay for an entire month because of all the delays so i'm having to live off my savings

[serkonans]

the way we handle medical leave in the states even for people with good benefits is cruel

[hazz-a-bear]

FOODS FOR WORMS, wen junhui

♡⸝⸝ loving junhui comes to you as easy as breathing. so it's only right that you love him with everything you've got till you're nothing but foods for worms to eat.

.ᐟ fluff. comfort. junhui cries and he should never cry, especially on his birthday. very mild soonyoung slander because he's an alleged furry.

🎧 everywhere, everything - noah kahan, gracie abrams

A/N - This is a love letter to Wen Junhui and nothing less, nothing more. I hope he receives all the love he deserves not only on his birthday, but for the rest of his life <3

masterlist | taglist

The tenth of June was probably one of the most special days for you.

It was circled with a red marker on the calendar on top of your desk, there was a permanent countdown on your phone leading up to the day and it was also the sequence of numbers that acted as the password to all kinds of devices you owned.

Which, now that you think about it, is probably the most predictable thing and also the reason Soonyoung keeps getting access to your wifi from a five-mile radius of your apartment. But even after years and years of using it, you still haven't gotten the heart to change it. Not even when your internet provider, very concerningly, handed you a bill of your rising wifi charges and a list of browsing history you were honestly too scared to look at.

( You should probably ask him about the context of 'Help I accidentally started a cult' and 'Is it illegal to own a pet tiger?' but it's Soonyoung, so you're sort of glad you never did )

( It's still not as bad as 'Am I a furry if I pretend to be a tiger around people?' though, you have to agree )

The moral of the story is surprisingly not the fact that you should change your wifi password from 100696 so your boyfriend's best friend can't easily feed off of the service that you pay for with your money. ( For diabolical reasons that is, by the way )

The actual moral of the story, however: June 10th is a special day.

Junhui likes to call it his birthday. You like to call it his heritage day, his womb escape anniversary and the day that gave the world what would be the best gift of your entire life.

The fascinatingly beautiful being that is Wen Junhui was created nine months prior and was grazed upon this earth on the 10th of June.

Okay, that's a weird way to put it.

It's Junhui's birthday.

And you are anything but normal about it.

As always, the celebrations start on June 1st itself. You wake him up with a celebratory birth-month breakfast consisting of his favorites - pancakes with blueberries for eyes and a whipped cream smile for a mouth. Junhui gets up every year with a shy smile and a 'Sweetheart, you didn't have to do this' knowing damn well you're not going to be stopped from celebrating him at any point.

The two of you usually stay up the day before his actual birthday. Curling up on the couch with a show on the TV, it's tradition for the two of you to just rest and enjoy the silent night.

This time, Junhui saunters up to you just as you're finishing cleaning up the kitchen after dinner on the ninth of June. With a coy smile, he pulls you into the living room before sitting down next to you on the couch, quickly draping all over you and finding his comfort spot tucked into your side.

As some kind of show plays in the background, you pull him impossibly close to you. Between zoning out and focusing on the plot of the show, you press small fluttering kisses to the crown of his head. Junhui preens and leans into you like a cat, chasing the press of your lips with a tilt of his head. When you pull away at some point, he turns to you with the smallest pout on his lips.

The two of you spend the majority of the night like that, basking in each other's warmth and counting the minutes leading up to the second the clock strikes midnight.

And when it finally does and your phone chimes with a buzzing alarm to announce that yes, the day that you've been counting down is finally here, you turn to him.

Junhui knows the drill so he easily goes when you shift him to face you. There's a hint of a smile pulling at his lips because he knows what's coming.

The clock reads, ⩇⩇:⩇⩇

"It's your womb escape anniversary" Your voice is nothing above a whisper because the two of you are that close already.

"You're never going to stop calling it that, are you?" He sighs but he's clearly trying to hide a grin as he does.

"Never" You shake your head before you bring up a hand to gently cradle his face.

You let yourself stare shamelessly at the face of the man you've loved for what feels like an eternity.

"Happy Birthday, my love" You let the back of your fingers caress the soft skin of his cheeks. "Thank you for letting me share all your days"

Junhui smiles before he brings up a hand to wrap around your wrist. He tilts his head to press his lips to your palm before he holds it close and peers into you with his eyes that you fall in love with every day.

"Thank you"

When you lean in to kiss him, it's all slow and languid, much like the love the two of you share. There's nothing urgent about it, just a continuous press of fluttering lips like you're breathing each other into your lungs. You hold him by the back of his neck, fingers tangling in the fabric of his t-shirt as he presses his lips to yours in a final kiss.

"I love you"

"I love you more", comes out easier than breathing.

On the day of his birthday, usually, the two of you would get an off day to spend the day by yourselves doing whatever Junhui's heart desired.

The year before last, he wanted to go to the Ghibli Studio Museum. The trip, no matter how impromptu or unplanned it was, had been one of the best trips you've ever been. More than the shops, the rides or seeing all the characters from your favorite movies, what made you happy was the sight of Junhui running around the place with twinkling eyes, a beaming smile on his lips and a stuffed Totoro tucked under his arm.

Last year, he very cheekily asked if he could go to one of those build-a-bear showrooms and you were getting in the car as fast as you could, driving to the place at god's speed with Junhui beaming happily in the passenger seat. Totoro from Tokyo gained two new brothers that day - a rainbow bear Jun had named 'Sir Bear the II' and a brown bear you very confidently decided to call not Dirt but 'Durt'

This year, everything was usual from the birth-month breakfast in bed to the mandatory birthday shenanigans Junhui decided to be a part of. But when you'd asked him what kind of adventure he'd like to take on the day itself, Junhui had very carefully sat you down on the edge of the bed with his hands lacing yours.

"Will you believe me if I said I just want to spend the time with you?"

You swear your brain short-circuited for a moment before you managed to kick-start back into reality, asking him what he's trying to say. He had been so sweet as he explained how exhausted he was after all the work he'd been buried under recently. Moving back and forth through countries, doing an ungodly amount of work and on the edge of a teetering peak of his career, he cast his eyes down as he asked you,

"I want to stay home this time, spend the day with you. Just us two, is that okay?"

Not that you were going to, but how can you ever say no to a man ( a child in disguise ) with big brown eyes and a pout that can make you kill for him.

"Of course it's okay. It's your day angel, we're celebrating you. We can stay at home, of course." You had assured him "But there must be something fun that you want to do, no? You can't spend your birthday stuck at home with me all day. That'll get boring, Junnie"

"Never"

So that is what led you to this situation - slipping out of bed at six in the morning to quietly make your way into the living room.

In hopes of not disturbing Junhui who's still curled up on his side, soft hair falling to his face as he sleeps, you grab your clothes and make your way to the guest washroom to get ready for the day.

Once you're done with your shower, you pad into the kitchen to start breakfast. The pancake mix had been sitting in the fridge already so you turn on the stove before pulling out a batch of berries you'd picked up from the market yesterday. And as quietly and fast as you could, you get the signature pancakes with blueberry eyes and whipped cream smiles done before he wakes up.

It's almost seven when you're cleaning up the kitchen, the plate of breakfast sitting on the counter next to a large gift bag and a pink envelope addressed to my moon.

My moon,

Hi, my angel. By the time you find this, I'd probably be out of the house. If not I'm probably hiding behind the couch but don't look for me there. I know you don't like waking up to an empty house but I promise love, I'm just out to get you some flowers. That's an excuse for you know I can't stand the sight of you even slightly sad and that's why I ran.

But I'll be back with your flowers before you even realize I'm gone, okay? Don't worry too much pretty boy.

You know that I'm not good with words, Jun, that's why I'm writing a letter in the first place. If only I had the guts to say all this to your face. Because you deserve nothing else, baby, nothing else. But I'm a coward when it comes to voicing out my love to you so here I am in the kitchen at three in the morning, two glasses of wine deep because I'm scared I'll mess this up if I'm sober or if it's not dark outside.

So, it's your birthday today - and no matter how many times you ask me to be normal about it and not call it your womb escape anniversary and make a whole scene - you know I'm going to

When else am I going to celebrate you, my Jun?

You know that if I could, I would, everyday for the rest of my life. Because you deserve nothing less than that.

Sometimes you say that you don't deserve me, or that I'm too good for you. And it makes me so sad because, Jun, what you don't realize is how lucky I am to have you in my life. If anything, I'm not good enough for you.

When I met you years ago, you still in your bleached hair, I never thought for a moment that you'd be the person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. Not because I never saw you as someone I'd want to share my life with, but rather because how? How in the world can I call you, the kindest, the prettiest and the most beautiful soul I've ever met, mine.

Every single day that I wake up to you lying next to me, I thank the moon for bringing you to me. I don't know what good I'd done in my past life to have this kind of love, have you in my life.

I hadn't realised something was missing from my life till you showed up in front of me, Jun. With your silly little smile and your pretty face and the bounce in your step, you slowly opened the door to a world I had never even known to exist before. I hadn't realised what it meant to love until you came along angel.

I thought I'd been in love, before, you know? I thought love was fancy dinners in restaurants I couldn't afford for a night. I thought love was kisses that you share for the whole world to see. I thought it was going our my way to make myself better for someone else.

But, no.

You're the one who showed me that love is the 'good morning' you mumble around a toothbrush, the leftovers you put in the microwave for me, the sticky notes on the fridge, sending pictures of the sky even if it looks ordinary, the hair tie you keep around your wrist. Love is the way you follow me around the house, the way I cling to you when I come home. Love is putting a blanket on me when I fall asleep on the couch. Love is raising little pixel babies and running a shop in cats & soup.

I think loving you is the easiest thing I have ever done, Junhui. It comes to me as natural as breathing. I didn't need a handler or a guidebook to learn how to love you - actually, I don't think I learned at all. Loving you was so easy that I didn't even realize I did. I didn't realize how much I loved you until I thought about losing you.

You asked me once what my biggest fear was and I said heights because I'm a coward like that. But in truth, a life without you is my biggest fear, I think. Now that I have you, now that I've gotten a taste of what being loved by you feels like, I don't think I'll ever want to let you go. I'm scared I'll never want to let you go. I hope you never want to let me go either, my love. I don't think I'll ever be okay with that.

People like you and me, we don't let ourselves have nice things, Jun. We think it's a burden to be loved, to love. We think it's too much to want to be held and cared for. We think we don't deserve to be loved. But we do. We can have that, my love. You, me, we all deserved to be loved gently. We all deserve the impromptu flowers and the good night message and the 'I love you's. It's hard to not listen to the tiny voice in the back of your head saying you don't deserve this, but you do, Junhui. You deserve to be loved for your soul if not much more.

As much as you don't believe me when I say you're the best thing that happened to me, deep down we both know that each other is what keeps us grounded, we both know. You keep me afloat, Junhui. When I feel like a ship wrecked in the middle of the ocean, you're the one who keeps me afloat and guides me to the shore. You might not know it or not believe it, but without you, I'd be falling apart.

Without me, I believe you would be okay. Manage. But ultimately, I wouldn't be okay without you.

So, as selfish as it sounds, I'm going to let myself have this one thing for the rest of my life. I'm going to keep you next to my heart and love you for as long as you let me have you.

Selfishly, I can only ask you to do the same. Love me as long as you can, keep me in your heart for as long as you can, my moon.

Happy Birthday, angel. I love you for an eternity.

From earth, to the moon, underwater, on shore, with every star in the galaxy, I will love you with everything I have till we're foods for the worms to eat.

Yours forever.

You knew it was going to make him cry, you knew. That's one of the main reasons you left the house with an excuse to get flowers. You could have gotten the goddamn flowers delivered to your doorstep. Hell, you could have even done it yesterday. But if there was anything you hated, it was seeing Junhui cry. So running away with a flimsy excuse seemed like the best thing to do at the time.

Junhui knew it too - how much it pained you to see him cry. He also knew that it had taken a lot out of you to write that letter. You've never been comfortable with professing your feelings into words and voicing them upright. You showed your love through random gifts thrown his way with a shy 'saw this and thought about you' or occasional 'did you eat?' messages throughout the day that translated into a quiet I love you.

Your love was quiet, but it was strong.

It seeps from you and circles around his whole being, holding him tight until he's grounded to the very earth he stands on. It kept him whole, kept him together.

So this, writing down everything on your mind, two drinks in or not, he knows it must have taken a lot out of you. And the mere thought of you sitting in the kitchen with your head in your hands, trying to turn your feelings into words, destroyed him.

He knows he should have stopped crying when he hears the familiar sound of the front door opening. You're back. You're back and god, he needs to get himself together.

"Jun?"

You call out and he can hear the hesitance in your voice. You know he's read the letter and it breaks him to realize that you're probably nervous to face him after such a vulnerable pour of emotions. He wishes he could stop crying but it's so so hard when the words on the paper made him feel like he got stabbed in the heart. And the way some words were blotched in a way only tears could do, twister the knife in the wound even more.

So, here he is now, bleeding on the kitchen counter because he feels loved more than he has ever felt in his entire life of twenty-eight years.

"Jun"

You stand in front of him, lingering in the kitchen door as your face falls at the sight of him. He guesses he doesn't look his best right now. He's bracing himself up against the counter, trying not to fall even more apart as his fingers grip the letter. Valid.

He can't even answer you, let alone acknowledge you. He's still trying to stop his crying and failing miserably right in front of you.

Junhui watches as you carefully approach him with the bouquet you had brought home for him. It's a mix of daisies and baby's breath wrapped in a see-through paper and Junhui thinks it's so pretty. If he wasn't so preoccupied with his sobbing, he would have bounced up to you and accepted it with a big smile and a kiss on your cheek.

"You're crying" Junhui almost laughs as you blindly state the obvious. Your eyes are wide as you reach him, the bouquet still in your clutch. "Why are you crying"

"You're the one who made me cry" He says through his tears, tone accusatory. "This letter- what you wrote, yn it's- It's so...I don't even know- god"

With the force he throws himself at you, he's surprised you manage to stay upright. Junhui curls around your body, arms winding around your frame as he pushes his face to your neck. You can feel the way your skin dampens with his tears.

Carefully putting down the bouquet on the counter, you circle your arms around his shoulders and pull him into your embrace a little tighter.

"I didn't want to cry on my birthday" Junhui whispers, lips fluttering against your skin.

I'm sorry. "I'm not sorry, Jun"

You feel him still in your hold for a fleeting moment before he pulls back to look at your face.

"I'd wanted to say all that for a long time, Jun" You say as you bring a hand up to cradle his face. As always, he leans into it like a preening cat. "I'm sorry for making you cry. But I'm not sorry for anything I said"

Junhui lurches forward to hide his face again, another one of those heartbreaking sobs on the tip of his tongue. You hold him tighter, if it's even possible, as he breaks down on you. One hand rubbing comforting circles on his back, moving the both of you back and forth in a rhythm, you hold him until he's calmed down enough to breathe through his nose. When he pulls away this time, his face is crumpled in a kind of embarrassment and shyness.

"Oh, my baby" You can't help but coo at the sight of his flushed nose and damp eyes. "You're a wreck"

"Your fault" Junhui grumbles before bringing up a hand to wipe at his eyes. You chuckle as you cradle his face and wipe away the tears clinging to his cheek.

"Happy Birthday" You almost whisper, holding his face in the palms of your hand. "You look beautiful"

Junhui averts his eyes from yours, the shyness slithering up his spine at a rapid speed. He doesn't voice out his thank you but it shows in the way the tips of his ears turn red under wisps of soft brown hair.

"Oh- the flowers" You quickly move to pick up the bouquet from the counter. With a coy smile of your own, you hand it to Junhui who takes it with a smile and a soft,

"Thank you. They're so pretty"

Junhui is taller than you, so to land the kiss perfectly square on his forehead, you have to reach up on your tiptoes. Junhui laughs and ducks down when he realizes what you're trying to do. Lifting to hold him by the neck, you press your lips against his forehead.

Junhui only pulls you back in after putting away the bouquet. He takes you by the waist before leaning down to catch your lips with his, pressing forward and dripping honey sweet pure love onto you with a sealed kiss. Your hands cradle the back of his neck as he leans forward, tipping you ever so slightly backwards as his love bleeds through every press of his lips against yours.

Even when he pulls away to breathe, he keeps his forehead pressed to yours, holding you as close as he possibly could.

"I love you so much" You whisper. "I think I made that clear in the letter"

Junhui laughs before pulling you into a hug again. A proper one this time with your face pressed to his shoulder and his lips pressing kisses to the crown of your head.

Your fingers unconsciously grip the back of his shirt tightly like you're scared he'll disappear into the day before you. It makes him think back to what you're written on the letter. About how your biggest fear is a life without him. How you won't be able to live if you didn't have him.

And it makes Junhui come to a realisation of his own. Ultimately, he wouldn't be okay without you either.

Thinking back to how you had claimed you're going to keep holding on to him as long as you can, as selfish as it may sound, Junhui realises that yeah, this is what love means to him. This is the sole reason he's been standing for so long.

Even though there's still a voice in the back of his head screaming that he doesn't deserve this kind of love, he decides that yes, he's going to let himself have this. The pure need to selfishly love you for the rest of your lives overpowers whatever voice screaming at him anyway.

From earth, to the moon, underwater, on shore, with every star in the galaxy, he's going to hold on to this for as long as he can bear. Because there's nothing more he wants than to love you with everything he's got. All until you're food for the worms to eat.

Junhui, true to your words, very selfishly hopes that you keep his hands in yours and your heart in his until your fingers decompose.

For you're his forever as well.

thank you.

[autumnmobile12]

My Hero Academia: Healthcare?

I don't know if any fanfic writers will find this useful or not, but I think the information is interesting and worth speculation in the My Hero setting. This also applies to any fanfic writers in the anime fandoms who want to have more immersive and in-depth writing. Obviously, writing fics that are 'accurate' is not a requirement since the point is to have fun, but here's some knowledge to use (or not use) if anyone is interested.

Obviously, Deku's been in the hospital a lot. A lot of the characters are injured and in the hospital a lot. But for all the hospital visits, nobody in the series is going to be bankrupted by astronomical healthcare costs. (Yes, that's a jab at America's system.) And it's not because the Pros, especially the popular ones, have money.

Here's why:

Quick rundown of how healthcare in Japan works: Everybody receives healthcare, everybody has health insurance. In Japan, your employer is legally required to provide you with health insurance. If you are unemployed, you will be on a community healthcare plan. There is also a plan for citizens over the age of 75. This also applies to foreigners who have established permanent residence of three months or longer.

Article 25 of Japan's Constitution is paraphrased as follows:

“all people shall have the right to maintain a certain standard of healthy and cultured life” and that “the state shall try to promote and improve the conditions of social welfare, social security, and public health” for this purpose.

I'm not going to reiterate the system in its entirety, but if you would like to learn more, this site here (the Article 25 quote I used is also found on that page) has a brief and comprehensive explanation of how healthcare is handled. However, one thing I am going to mention that is relevant for Deku and other Pros is the threshold out-of-pocket expense.

In Japan, citizens enrolled in healthcare do not spend more than ¥90,000 per month out of pocket, protecting them from financial disaster.

(To Americans, this may sound like a sweet deal, but hold your horses because Japan also funds this system through heavy taxation. Medical procedures are expensive and people will be paying for them one way or another.)

The question that needs asking now is how does this system apply to the hero society? Well, first off, since My Hero does take place in a slightly futuristic setting, we could take into consideration the system has been revised.

Assuming not much as changed, are heroes that operate their own agency technically considered business owners and are required to insure their employees and sidekicks?

Or...

Because they are all government employees, is the Safety Commission responsible for insuring all heroes and sidekicks no matter what they rank in their popularity?

Personally, I think it would be the latter since, in the coldest sense of the word, the heroes are essential to the Commission in upholding their system. So that makes them an asset. The Commission would want to protect its assets because as shady as they are, their own system could work against them. They certainly don't want heroes going on strike for lack of benefits or complaining the government doesn't take care of their people. So I assume it's the Commission who is covering insane healthcare costs on behalf of heroes.

(And since the system is probably funded by taxpayers' money, that also feeds into the prevalent societal discontent that's ongoing throughout the series.)

Now what about Deku and his classmates since they have not graduated and are not officially licensed yet? Honestly, I think it's probably UA itself that insures the students. That probably has to do with accreditation and so on, which is another matter entirely, but again, the backing is likely coming out of the Commission (and taxpayers') pockets.

And there you have it. Happy writing, happy research.

[aphrodeiities]

i've returned to post about a particular subject i've been fighting to or not to post, because i used to consider this person the closest person in my life and i even considered her as a best friend and a sister.

and we have fallen out and apologised to each other many times, but perhaps whenever we argued it was life telling me that she is not supposed to be in my circle. and you could be wondering why am i bringing this up and telling tumblr this but im telling tumblr this to be aware of @couerardent and her scamming behaviour.

couerardent also known as MYSTIICWINTER OR MYSTICWIINTER.

talk about WORSE SERVICE I HAVE EVER GOTTEN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

[other people have come to me and spoke about how bad her services were, but i tried to overlook it because i really cared for her, lessoned learn]

i have always been empathetic towards ardent and her money situation, but there are moments when excuses turn into reasons to not do something. on august, i sent alex money because she needed it, but she also said in return she will give me 4 packs she usually gives her clients and she told me she would give me my money back.

first pack is "tell me your story."

second and other packs she hadnt told me what they were but she informed me that i'll be receiving them weekly since august, and now its november.

at first i was empathetic, since i used to be close to ardent, i knew she went through a lot of stuff at home, so i was patient. until august turned into september, and september turned into october and then october turned into novemeber.

and slowly i became annoyed, [as i should] because her services arent even long or good, as someone who gives chart readings to other people that consists more than fourteen pages, the effort to write that would take long, but ardent doesnt even give five pages for her services, three at most, so why is it taking her so long?

previously, she has joked to me about scamming other people, but would put the blame on them and not want to take accountability until they start using threats to expose her, i think she deleted the making fun of scamming them but here is some of it:

and when i would message her for updates about my reading because it'll take months, she would ignore me and even change her pfp on tumblr or discord, until i reach out to her on more platforms to get her attention.

and what would annoy me even more is that she would talk about how she never has something to do or would focus on other stuff knowing she needs to get my reading done lmao and this would be like 1-2 months after i was supposed to receive any of it lol.

worrying about the layout for almost 3 months PLEASE.

i have received 1/4 readings, and that was now almost 2-3 weeks ago, we should've been on my 2nd or 3rd reading by now, the only reason i have received 1 reading is because i did threaten to expose her if she didnt send the money or reading my way, because even i had some issues because living in london has gotten really difficult and i have been trying to support my family as much as i can, but im doing better right now.

its all about the principle. and she has none of that. and even attempted to victimise herself and behave like she was in distress whenever she got called out about her behaviour.

she lost track of time, the time being 3-4 months lol.

and when i was speaking to her she ignored me for a bit again ha, it was almost comedic. for almost two weeks she didnt try and check what i was speaking about.

she has gotten ill, but this was still months after.

and i have remembered, she has used much of her earned money to fund for her nose job but also uni, but during the moments it was best to pay me back was at the job she said paid her well, she informed me that when she gets paid by her job she'll pay me back, and she never did and ended up quitting the job.

[the unfairness i was speaking about is how uni her country dont do student finances, she's from romania, because they do in the uk it was just a surprise].

i asked her recently on how i was supposed to receive a reading but she didnt reply but change her pfp on whatsapp and discord, again.

if there is any confused people comment please because i did this half asleep lmao

[tiniedemon]

— ♡

hometown

poly kenny mccormick & kyle broflovski

— ♡

being stan’s twin had its perks, very occasionally. as his younger sibling, you got the protection of him. as shelly’s, you were bullied relentlessly. it didn’t help that your father, randy, was a loose cannon. not to mention the neglectful nature of your mother, sharon, who cared more about your siblings than about you.

as the (minutes younger) baby of the family, you were spoiled with material items, but never love. a new laptop every year, every gaming console as soon as it came out, every new game preordered. it just wasn’t the same as the bond your mother shared with your siblings, her true babies.

stan was your closest family member, which was a bit sad considering you had three others. many a night you spent in his room, the two of you venting about your shared distaste for your father. it truly felt like having a true friend for the first time in your life. you’d always struggled with making those in south park, a town full of angry kids, and having a built in best friend made things a lot easier.

you’d grown up playing with and hanging out with stan’s friends, especially kyle and kenny. the four of you shared a disdain for the other member of your friend group, eric. he was a pompous prick with little to no regard for anyone else’s feelings. his self-centered asshole mentality had carried into his teenage years, and into adulthood. he’d been disowned by your brother’s friends once they’d hit junior year of high school, which was a major relief for you.

you mulled over all of these things within the confines of your room, eyes on the ceiling, repeated sighs leaving your lips. your thoughts lingered on kenny and kyle, your only two friends in this world and, sadly, your crushes.

it was hard being friends with them in a way. they were dating, a long brewing relationship that developed over the course of sixteen years before they’d finally decided to get together. you were incredibly saddened by it, but it wasn’t like you couldn’t see them ever again.

they frequently joined in on yours and stan’s outings, but it was absolute torture for you. kenny was consistent in his pda with his boyfriend, and despite how much kyle protested it, he always wore a smile and gave in. you longed every day to be on the receiving end of kenny’s incessant kissing and hand holding, and kyle’s charming smiles and poetic flirting.

you’d been in this loop of self destruction for months. it was taking a toll on your mental health. you were tired constantly from nights spent staring at your ceiling, overthinking the entire situation about your two best friends.

you sighed, dragging yourself from your bed, and padded off to stan’s room. he was also still awake, phone screen lighting his face as he laid on his side. he looked up at you, scooted to the side, and tapped the empty space next to him. you crawled into bed with your brother, pulling the blankets to your chin as you shivered.

“you always keep your room so fucking cold,” you grumbled, holding your hand over your nose to trap the heat in. he sighed and rolled his eyes, sitting up to grab an extra blanket from the end of his bed and tossing it to you.

“and you complain too much. shut the fuck up,” he sighed, then laid back down and faced you. you adjusted the blanket over your body, then finally looked back at him with a huff.

“i don’t know what to do about kenny and kyle,” you admitted, a blush on your cheeks and a frown on your lips. stan raised his eyebrow, a sign for you to continue speaking. “i want to be with them, both of them, which i know is sort of shitty of me. i just love them, y’know? and it’s hard because they’re both so focused on each other that they don’t pay me any mind at all. am i shitty for this?”

“not at all,” stan responded, readjusting your head to lay on his arm instead of his mattress. “you don’t choose who you love. you just so happened to get fucked with having feelings for two people instead of one. that’s not your fault.”

you sighed, using one of your hands to adjust the stray hairs defying the part of his hair. he smiled at you, patting your cheek.

“i’m just not sure what exactly i’m supposed to do. i can’t just go for people in a relationship, y’know? i’d be so shitty for that. i just don’t know what to do.”

stan was silent for a moment, his eyes untrained and staring at the space behind your head. you worried your lip between your teeth as you waited to a response, pulling the blankets further up your body.

“i say you start flirting back,” he spoke finally. “they were flirting with you for ages before they got into a relationship with each other. maybe you could try flirting with them for a change?”

you froze, eyes growing big. they’d been flirting with you? you hadn’t noticed. now you felt like a huge idiot. stan wouldn’t lie about something like that. you really were so oblivious that you hadn’t noticed they were flirting with you.

“we’re all hanging out tomorrow. you should join us, maybe throw some hints their way. if it doesn’t work out, that’s completely fine, too. just know you don’t need them to be happy, okay? you’ve always got me, for life.”

—

you took stan’s advice, and boy did you regret it. it was mid winter in the colorado mountains, and you were freezing your ass off. you were clad in a thick jacket and one of stan’s fleece hats, and even that wasn’t enough to block out the frigid winds as the two of you waited for the couple to show.

“i hate you for this,” you grumbled, both your hands in the pockets of your brother’s jacket. he rolled his eyes and flicked your forehead, then adjusted the hat on your head to better cover your ears.

“it’s not my fault you get cold easily. stop complaining,” he muttered. you could hear kenny and kyle’s voices approaching, your eyes darting around to spot them. they approached behind your brother, hand in hand, smiles on their faces as they bickered playfully. you looked at your brother with wide eyes, panicking internally.

“i don’t think i can do this,” you whispered, stan offering a half smile as he rubbed your arms for friction heat.

“you’ve got this, y/n,” he whispered in response. you nodded hesitantly, shooting the approaching couple a glance over stan’s shoulder.

“i’ve got this,” you murmured to yourself as reassurance. you took a deep breath, opened your mouth, and shouted, “nice face, broflovski!”

the couple halted in their steps, and your heart dropped into your feet. you could visualize it laying between your feet, along with the bricks you’d just shat on the pavement.

then kenny’s face pulled into a crooked grin, and kyle smirked a tad as he tugged kenny towards you, kenny dragging his feet as they crossed the distance between the two groups.

“nice ass, marsh," kenny spoke as the couple finally approached. your face turned red, only amplified as kyle grabbed a handful of your brother's ass. stan's face matched yours as he swatted kyle's hand away, a scowl on his face.

"i fully agree, ken. stan's got some cake on him," kyle chuckled out, shooting a wink towards you. kenny scoffed and tossed an arm over his boyfriend's shoulder, smirking at you.

"i was talking about y/n here, but now that i'm looking at it, i think you might be right, ky," kenny drawled, landing a smack on your brother's ass.

"i wish the two of you would stop grabbing my ass," stan grumbled. you chuckled as you linked arms with your brother, gesturing to the coffee shop the three of you were stood before.

"can we please go in?" you begged, bending your knees and forcing a shiver for emphasis. "i really need a hot mocha before my entire body turns into a lump of frostbite."

"y/n, i love you, but you are literally the single most dramatic bitch i know," stan grumbled, but complied with your request. you shot a grin over your shoulder to the couple behind you as the four of you entered tweak bros. coffee, the duo offering equally large smiles of their own.

the coffee date was relatively uneventful otherwise. kyle would occasionally wink at you, and kenny had grabbed your hand over the table a handful of times, but it was otherwise sort of boring. stan had, unfortunately, spilled an iced americano in his lap, and the hangout had been wrapped up two hours after it had started.

"alright, guys. i've gotta get butterfingers here home before i start bullying him for shitting his pants through his dick. i'll see you guys later," you sighed as the four of you once again stood outside the coffee shop. kyle cast a glance to kenny, who pulled you into a tight hug for a few moments.

"kenny and i aren't doing anything later. how about the two of you come over for movie night tonight?" kyle asked, a hopeful gleam in his eyes. you glanced at your brother, who was already shaking his head while he struggled to cover the brown stan on his crotch with his jacket. your heart sunk along with the corners of your lips, your hands finding their way into your jacket pockets.

"probably not tonight. stan's got a pretty big conference call later," you uttered in response, shifting your weight between your legs. stan look at you with confusion written all over his face, nudging you towards the couple in front of you with his elbow.

"so you go without me, dumbass. i have a call, not you. go have fun with tweedle bitch and tweedle cunt," he responded. you flushed, a frown on your face as you pulled your brother to the side. you could hear kyle and kenny grumbling about their nicknames from a few feet away.

"i'm not going to their apartment by myself, dumbfuck," you hissed in a whisper, eyes narrowed. "what if i have to, like, shit or something? that would be embarrassing as fuck."

"how is that embarrassing?" stan deadpanned, his face blank as he stared at your nervous, fidgeting form.

"i could clog their toilet and then have to fish out my own shit with my hands. or i could not make it to the toilet and accidentally spray shit on their walls. anything could fucking happen, stan" you whisper yelled. stan rolled his eyes and bent down, hoisting you up into his arms and turning around, your disgruntled form held bridal style in his arms. he passed you off to a surprised kenny, who struggled to hold you for a second before gaining his footing and his purchase on you.

"take this stupid bitch home with you or i'm going to beat her ass the second she steps foot in our apartment," your brother deadpanned, then turned on his heel and walked towards your shared home.

"you're just going to leave me, stanley!" you shouted, stan flipping you the bird over his shoulder.

"sure am, bitch! don't care where you go, just don't come home until my call is over!" he called back to you. you huffed, rolling your eyes. then you made eye contact with kenny, then kyle, and your face turned red as you sulked.

"you can set me down, kenny," you muttered, a squeak passing through your lips as he turned and began walking towards kyle's car. "seriously, kenny, you can set me down."

"i don't think he's going to," kyle mused as he unlocked his car with his key fob. you glanced at him with a shy smile, and then up at kenny with the same smile. the blonde grinned at you as he placed you in a sitting position on the hood of the suv, patting your thighs with both hands as you settled.

"thanks, ken. i can't believe stan just left me like that. what if you guys decided to traffic me or something? he wouldn't have his twin there to keep him awake at night. instead he'd get to sleep at a decent time and i just can't let that happen," you rambled as kyle and kenny worked together to tidy up the clutter in their back seat.

"y/n, honey, you've known us since diapers. i highly doubt we'd traffic you," kyle hummed as he came to stand between your legs. you flushed, crossing your arms over your chest as you avoided his gaze. you were shivering so violently your teeth were chattering, your jacket once again doing almost nothing to shield you from the cold winter air.

"i'm just saying the chances are never zero. my dad could and would traffic me if he could get free crack as payment and i came directly from his ballsack. if you wanted to, you would," you protested, rubbing your arms with your bare hands in an attempt to bring some warmth back to your body. kyle took notice, his calculating green eyes missing nothing, and slowly removed his gloves as you spoke. they dropped into your lap, his hands capturing yours and sliding them over your shaking fingers.

"sweetheart, i'm sure we could score the best crack for you, but it just won't happen," kenny mused, approaching on your side and leaning against the door of the suv as he looked at you with a humored smile. "i think kyle would be absolutely devastated if i traded you for crack instead of stephen king's full collection."

you guffawed, looking between kyle and kenny, mouth dropped open and eyes wide. kenny was obviously holding back laughter while kyle glared at him, annoyance clearly displayed on his sharp features.

"kenny, if you don't shut the fuck up, i will cut your mullet off in your sleep," kyle spat. you scoffed and held up your hands, feigning offence. you were holding back laughter as well, a small chuckle escaping your lips.

"i can't believe this. i'm calling the fucking tooth fairy. next time you lose a tooth in a bar fight, you can count on the tooth fairy leaving a pile of shit under your pillow instead of a dollar," you threatened kenny, sliding your way off the hood of the suv. kyle burst out into laughter alongside kenny, the blonde following behind you to open the car door for you. you relished in the remnants of the heat in the vehicle, clasping your hands in your lap to keep them warm. kenny stood between your legs, taking kyle's spot, and you rolled your eyes with a humored grin.

"i'm sorry, sugar," he chuckled, pressing a kiss to your forehead. you were left a blushing, stuttering mess as he crept away and shut your door behind him. kyle shot you a smug look from the driver seat, taking in the flustered expression on your face.

"i think you broke her," the ginger uttered to the blonde as he slid into the passenger seat. kenny shrugged, winking a blue eye at you from the front seats.

you were incapacitated.

—

long story short, kyle was a great driver, and kenny was a horrible passenger princess. kyle was very calm for the entire forty-five-minute drive back to their house, his driving smooth and road rage minimal. meanwhile, kenny was going absolutely feral in the passenger seat. he played the absolute most random songs, some lame techno beats with little to no words, and hung his head out the window almost the entire drive.

you were incredibly thankful to see the couple's apartment building appear in the distance, entirely overwhelmed by kenny's chaotic passenger activities. by the time the three of you had made it to their home, kenny's hair was tousled and frizzy from the cool wind whipping through it. kyle simple smiled at his lover and pulled him into a soft kiss. your heart clenched at the sight, jealousy burning in your stomach.

"oh, sorry, y/n. you want one too?" kenny inquired with a cocky grin. your face burned as you pulled the best disgusted expression you could, eyes jumping between his and the back of his seat.

"fix your face first. you look like you got hit by the ugly train," you grumbled, watching his smile grow through your repetitive glances towards his face.

"you know you love my face, marsh," he cooed. kyle exited the vehicle amidst your banter with kenny and you were quick to follow, jogging to catch up. kenny caught you by the wrist, scooping you up in his grasp, and carried you the rest of the way to the door. you yelped, eyes big and face red, body jumping with each bound to the house's entrance.

"kenny, i do wish you'd stop frightening our guest," kyle called, amusement clear in his voice. over kenny's shoulder, you could see him bending to pick up the hat kenny had knocked off your head in his hasty actions.

"nice ass, broflovski!" you called over his shoulder, a mischievous smile on your face. he jumped and turned to look at you, face red and grinning.

"nice rack sweetheart," kenny whispered in your ear, once again reminding you of the position you were stuck in, pressing a kiss to the side of your head. you were rendered speechless for the second time that day, brain short-circuiting as kenny carried you into their home. kyle closed the door behind the three of you, tossing your hat on the back of the couch. you were quick to follow, kenny hovering you over the back and dropping you haphazardly on top of the cushions. his body fell over the side, his body toppling on top of yours, head burying itself in the cushions next to your head.

"kenny! you give me such a fucking migraine. please get off y/n! she's fucking fragile!" kyle scolded, swatting at the back of kenny's head with a scowl. you giggled, albeit a bit nervously, gazing up at kyle around kenny's mop of blonde hair. kyle was red in the face, averting his eyes from yours, circling the sofa to take his seat next to your feet. with both hands, he lifted both yours and kenny's legs, scooting over and laying them in his lap.

"hey pretty thing," kenny cooed as he finally lifted his head from the suffocation of the couch. his grin was dopey as he gazed at you, eyes droopy and hair messily covering half of his face. "come here often?"

"please stop seducing our guest," kyle deadpanned, swatting at kenny's foot. kenny hissed and threw his legs off the side of the couch, letting half his body slide onto the floor, his head buried in your torso. you sat up, gingerly pushing kenny's head off you, pulling your legs from kyle's lap in favor of pulling them to your chest. he looked away from the television long enough to pointedly glance at you, then turned his attention back to it and used the hand that wasn't controlling the remote to pull them back onto his lap. you blushed, only increased by kenny scooting his way between you and kyle, your legs now crossing both their laps. kyle used his free hand to pry your shoes from your feet, eyes still glued to the screen.

"y/n, what kind of movie do you wanna watch?" kyle inquired, turning his head to look at you over his lover. you shrugged, arms around your torso, blush on your face.

"i don't really know. i’m not really one for movies lately. i’m too busy watching shameless,” you admitted sheepishly. kenny’s head perked up and turned to you, a grin on his face.

“what season?” he asked eagerly. you made quick work of finding your phone, hands shaking as you opened netflix and checked your progress.

“season six, episode three,” you responded. kenny turned to kyle, who opened netflix and selected the correct season and episode of shameless. he paused it as soon as it loaded, making eye contact with kenny. you were squirming. they seemed to be making conversation telepathically, eyes locked on each other, silence piercing your ears.

"which one of us are you in love with?" kyle finally asked, voice soft as he leaned forward to stare into your soul. your squirming intensified, kenny rubbing your calve reassuringly as he gazed at you. you felt like a deer caught in headlights, heart pumping in your ears, hands shaking in your lap, face pale, eyes wide.

"we're not asking out of a place of spite, love," kenny reassured. you could hardly hear him over the sound of your own pulse, your mouth going dry as tears flooded your eyes. you'd never felt so anxious before in your life. this was everything you wanted, laid out in front of you, and you were terrified.

"i-" was all you managed to get out, unable to speak around the lump in your throat and the cotton in your mouth.

"sweetheart," kyle sighed, leaning far forward to reach his arm over kenny and grasp on of your hands. kenny did the rest of the work, tugging you into a side hug as you panicked. you weren't sure exactly what your issue was. you wanted them to be interested in you. you wanted their attention. you wanted this. why the hell were you having a panic attack over something you'd been praying for since puberty?

eventually, after a handful of minutes, you were able to calm down enough to hear the murmured reassurane of the couple holding you. you could pull your head back and you could look at them, an embarrassed smile on your face as you whispered your apology.

"why should you be sorry, love? we caught you off guard," kenny hushed. kyle nodded along in agreement, a soft smile on his face as his fingertips caressed your cheek.

"you don't have to apologize for anything, sweetheart. we genuinely didn't think you'd react like that. that's completely our fault," he whispered, ginger curls falling into his face. you ran your fingertips over his forehead to adjust them, then let them trail down the side of his face. he flushed under your touch, cheeks turning a rosy pink under a small smattering of sun exposure freckles.

"if we're being honest, we've had feelings for you for quite some time, probably a decade. we were trying to figure out if you were interested in one of both of us," kenny admitted. you blushed, eyes jumping between kenny's red face and kyle's. for a second, you wondered if you were in a dream. you discreetly pinched your leg, wincing as your heart raced. it definitely wasn't a dream.

"both," you whispered. you were still incredibly nervous to admit your feelings, but with the confession on kenny's part, you felt a bit more confident in your feelings. kenny was the first to embrace you, your face buried in his boney chest, kyle's lanky arms wrapping around the both of you.

"we don't have to immediately figure shit out," kyle murmured after a few moments of your silent embrace. you nodded slowly, unraveling your fingers from the back of kenny's shirt.

"i'd rather watch shameless right now, if i'm being honest," you murmured, a sheepish smile on your face. "my mind has been fucked way too much for one day." kyle chuckled along, pressing play on the tv. kenny started unzipping your outdoor coat with a small grin.

"i mean, we could always fuck you in other ways," he joked with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows. you guffawed, face turning red as kyle whacked his chest.

"kenny, please, shut the actual fuck up!" he exclaimed, face equally as red as yours. kenny burst into laughter as he continued helping you out of your coat, draping it on the back of the sofa.

"sorry, sorry," he chortled. you settled into the couch, a small smile on your face as you focused your attention on the dysfunctional screen family.

—

taglist @hand-writxen @quackyfae @n0tangeliccc @triphovia @vanillawh0re @scrawny-simp @oldcabinets @mags138 @zeroquiverx

[see-arcane]

I figured I should interrupt everyone's dash for some notes on current real life things.

This is a hefty one, so I'm tucking everything below:

A little good news. As of this writing, I’ve sold 74 copies of The Vampyres, in eBook and paperback! That’s 74 more than I thought I would ever sell! Thank you to everyone who picked up a copy or asked your library to grab some. Especially when I know I haven’t been the most stellar self-marketer. I can’t remember the last time I opened the septic tank formerly known as Twitter, so it’s all been down to this little corner here and a skinny appearance in Goodreads. Which means I owe any attention this short and sinister tale has received to you all and plain old word-of-mouth.

That said, thank you x100000 to you and any new readers yet to take a look. (And doubly so for those of you who go out of their way to leave comments and reviews around for me to reread ad infinitum.)

For those not in the know, all the info on The Vampyres can be found here, and all my author odds and ends can be found on my website here.

On a less heartening note…

As I’d already expected, the market for career writers is…rough. Copywriting—and writing in general—is technically a big open field (full of caveat descriptions about having to work with/teach AI programs to eventually swallow your job)! Tons of open positions! Most of which either pay you in pocket change while you’re working full time or expect you to singlehandedly run the entire marketing of a business for slightly more pocket change. Everything else is bloated with contract and/or freelance work*.

*Read: Gig economy schlock trying to pass for an actual job position with payment being a coin toss. I’ve also seen one too many listings on the job boards that are volunteer positions. Plenty of exposure to rake in though, right? Ha. Ha ha.

I’ve still been applying like clockwork, same as the rest of my fellow creators trying to get by in a field that seems to actively punish trying to be a professional in said field, and still no bites further than an interview. I have years of experience and a degree, but everyone’s chasing the same crumbs, so. Yeah. I’ve got to start padding things out.

Reminder that I do have a (barely peddled) Ko-Fi. It’s there for art commissions and chucking a few spare bucks at. Which is an increasingly big ask these days, I know. You can’t scroll two posts down without hitting someone else’s Ko-Fi, Patreon, GoFundMe, Kickstarter, et cetera. We’re drowning in arting starvists here. And although I have been asked before whether I would consider going full Freelance Storywriter on top of selling art, I’m still a little hesitant on it. I do occasionally send out story submissions and have even gotten published a few times, but I get nauseous thinking about:

1) Putting up a paywall on the scribbles that assail me like a baseball bat wielded by an unmerciful Muse. 2) Putting up a ‘Stories for Sale!’ sign only to wind up disappointing prospective buyers because I didn’t do their blorbos justice even after researching X background for the piece. 3) Getting duped into being a nonconsenting ghostwriter and discovering someone else has published my work under their own name.

So, still a bit iffy on that. I’ll chew on it. But what else is left?

Before you click the button!

Stop!

NOT YET!

Before you click, please know that I am being serious about this as something to potentially make 1) something of good quality and 2) earn more money than it loses. Looking around at the merch-making/selling options, there are fees involved with making an account just about anywhere in the online store game, give or take the price tweaking needed for shipping and manufacturing blah blah blah.

With that in mind, please do not automatically hit ‘yes’ because you want to be nice. I appreciate it, but this isn’t the same thing as the Ko-Fi where there’s no real loss in just leaving it up and drawing something once every few months. This will take new designs, another subscription to pay for, more logistics to untangle for quality and pricing and all the rest of the mess. Only hit ‘yes’ if you, personally, genuinely, would like to purchase some nefarious See Arcane wares beyond a book or a digital drawing.

[kourtniwritesagain]

Too Good to Be

A/N: First full-length RWRB fic! There’s some spice, but not too much spice to rate it anything but T for Teen. Also, this is going to be a three parter because I just couldn’t stop and it was nearing 10k. So here’s part 1! Super nervous, super excited, super gonna shut up now. Enjoy!

It's finally summer, Alex’s favorite time of the year. Summer means the cabin, no graduate courses, and, most importantly, Henry. His Royal Highness was able to get a full two weeks straight of no engagements. Alex very politely told his scheduler to fuck off when approached with anything that resembled an engagement during those two weeks. Alex isn’t going to allow anything (or anyone) to come between himself and Henry. 

Well, except for Cash, Nora, June, and his father apparently. 

Alex isn’t too upset about his family being around, they all adore Henry and vice versa. The Secret Service is always around, and, honestly, Alex is used to it by now. Plus, Cash doesn't suck.

They're all at the cabin by the lake, and everyone is in bathing suits while lounging on the deck after a long afternoon of boating and jet skiing. Henry is watching videos with June and Nora off Nora's phone and laughing, eyes crinkling adorably. Alex can't help but smile. Last year, Alex wasn't sure he would ever even see Henry again, let alone be at the cabin with him. So much has changed since then. Alex is Henry's official suitor. England has embraced the two of them wholeheartedly, including Henry's older brother. The Queen…well, she still sucks. But everything is practically perfect. 

"Alex!" June calls, waving her hand for her brother to come to her. 

He stands and walks over to the others, still smiling softly. Henry lets out an adorable laugh at the video, and Alex sees it’s a cat compilation video. 

“I left my very comfortable chair to watch cats?” Alex asks, amusement in his voice despite his words. 

“I-I’m sohorry, it’s just so f-funny.” Henry gets out through his giggles. Nora and June are cackling beside him. 

Alex watches as cat after cat jumps in fright after seeing their owners with creepy realistic cat masks on. 

“Y’all are too easily entertained.” 

June snorts. “You spent all day yesterday giggling at British memes.” 

“Oi!” Henry feigns offense. 

“In my defense,” Alex says. “I loved every single one of them.” 

Henry rolls his eyes, but there’s no malice. “I suppose I’ll be receiving a few in the future.”

“You’ll have one every day for a month, baby.” Alex winks. 

Henry blushes beautifully. 

“Alexander.” Henry admonishes, rolling his eyes. 

Alex simply grins widely. 

June reaches over and tweaks Alex’s ribs, causing Alex to squawk and jump. 

“Bug!” Alex swats at her hands. 

“Leave Henry alone, brat.” June chastises, a mischievous grin on her face. Henry smiles smugly, clearly pleased that June was on his side.

Alex scowls at all of them, including Nora because she’s not helping. 

“Don’t scowl, baby brother. You’re too pretty.” 

That mollifies Alex somewhat. “I am pretty.” 

Henry rolls his eyes. 

They spend the entire afternoon outside, drinking beer and wine, watching ridiculous videos, and talking of summer plans. Alex is happier than he’s been in a very long time. Supper has been eaten, s’mores have been consumed, and a movie is currently playing in Alex and Henry’s room. Alex isn’t paying any attention to it because Henry is currently kissing his way down his throat. 

“You’re seriously good at this, has anyone told you that?” Alex asks, stretching his head to the left to allow Henry more access. 

“You have.” 

“Well, I’m always right, so.” Alex lets out a groan as Henry adds a bit of teeth. 

Alex thinks he’ll never tire of this. Not just the awesome sex (and it was awesome), but just having Henry with him…and not having to hide it. Alex absolutely adores holding Henry’s hand while they go shopping. Alex loves that Henry will kiss his cheek during photo ops. Alex enjoys being able to embrace Henry openly. Alex still sneaks very handsy things at very inopportune times for Henry, relishing in the blush it brings to the prince’s cheeks. 

Henry slides his hands very slowly up Alex’s sides, causing him to squirm. He feels Henry smile against his throat. 

“Don’t think I didn’t see your reaction earlier.” 

Alex tenses. 

“I d-don’t know what you’re t-talking about…” Alex trails off. 

“I think we both know that’s not true,” says Henry. This time, his fingers wiggle on their way down Alex’s ribs.

“Ah!” 

Henry chuckles against Alex’s throat as he continues to spider his fingers along Alex’s ribs. 

“You f-fuhucker!” Alex squirms and laughs, reaching for Henry’s hands. Henry avoids them for a few seconds more before Alex finally catches them. Alex is panting slightly, but he narrows his eyes, wraps his legs around Henry’s waist, and flips the two of them onto the floor. Henry lands on his back with an ‘oof’. Big blue eyes look in shock at Alex. 

“Mistake.” Alex growls. 

“N-Now, sweetheart…let’s not do anything hasty.” 

“Nicknames will get you nowhere, baby.” Alex replies. 

Henry blushes and opens his mouth to barter, but Alex is having none of it. Alex turns around so his back is to Henry and goes straight for Henry’s thighs, easily his most ticklish spot. 

“Alehex!” Henry immediately starts laughing. Alex found out about Henry’s ticklishness pretty early on during the ‘friends-with-benefits’ stage of their relationship. Alex and Henry had been lying in bed after a thorough makeout session, still clad only in boxers, and Henry giggled when Alex had lightly traced nonsensical patterns across Henry’s stomach. Alex proceeded to find every ticklish spot on Henry’s body, which…hadn’t been difficult. Henry turned out to be ticklish everywhere, but especially on his thighs and hips. 

“How you’re able to fool around with thighs this ticklish, is kind of amazing.” Alex comments as he rakes his fingers up and down Henry’s quivering thighs. 

“Plehehease!” Henry begs, alternating between pounding on Alex’s back and probably grabbing at his hair if Alex knows him well enough. 

“I do not intend to stop anytime soon,” says Alex. “First, you must be punished for trying to tickle me. And second, you love it when I tickle you.” 

“I’m sohohorry!” 

“I’m sure you are.” Alex turns to face Henry now, wiggling lower onto Henry’s legs.

Henry doesn’t say anything else but instead lets out loud booming laughter as Alex moves to clamp down on both thighs right underneath where they meet Henry’s hips, squeezing mercilessly. Henry is devastatingly ticklish here, and Alex absolutely exploits this. The crease where thighs meet hips is just as ticklish. Alex plans on spending time there as well. 

“Oh baby, you are too adorable.” 

“Shut uhuhup!” Henry tries to command, batting at Alex’s hands. 

“Usually your royal commands are a big turn on,” Alex tells him casually, as if he isn’t straight up torturing his boyfriend. “But this one just doesn’t have the usual oomph.” 

Henry babbles something about ‘dick head’ and ‘fucking fuck.’ Alex can’t help but laugh as he listens to Henry’s own beautiful laughter. 

“You are the most ticklish person on the planet, I swear. It’s kinda good that England isn’t actively trying to conquer the world anymore. You’d be kidnapped for ransom and tortured into oblivion the moment the enemy found out how ticklish you are.” 

“A-Alex!” Henry pleads. Alex knows Henry gets more sensitive the more Alex teases him with words. 

“I know that’s how royals were punished back in the medieval period,” Alex continues. “They’d tie up princes and princess, and fucking tickle the shit out of them. Sometimes, guards were told to put honey on the feet of royals and have goats lick them off.” 

“Shut the fuhuhuck uhup!” Henry whines through his laughter. Henry has caught Alex’s hands, but all the prince does is hold onto his boyfriend's wrists. Alex is now lightly stroking at Henry’s hips, scrabbling his fingers along the hip bones every other downward stroke. 

“Maybe we could get the queen to start that shit up again! She’s still super pissed you’re gay; I’m sure she’d loooooove to have someone punish you.” 

Henry turns redder if that’s even possible. Alex knows that Henry’s thinking about it, though. Henry’s thinking about being tied up and helpless while being tickled. 

“Do you like that thought, baby?” Alex asks. 

Henry shakes his head, but doesn’t say anything. Alex reaches behind himself and strokes at Henry’s thighs again. He loves the feeling of the twitching muscles, firm from years of Polo. Henry kicks out his legs as Alex switches back to scrabbling his fingers all over Henry’s pelvis and hips. 

“They’d call me Katniss because I would volunteer as tribute to be your tickle torturer.” 

“Y-You alreheheady ARE!” Henry shouts as Alex digs his thumbs into each of Henry’s hip divots. 

“Yeah, but it’d be an official title!” Alex crows. “First Son of the United States slash His Royal Horniness’ Official Tickle Monster!”

“You’re incorrhorrigible!” 

“I’d never go easy on you either. It’s hips and thighs immediately, right out the gate,” explains Alex. “I’d move on to your ribs next, then your back. That spot near your kidneys? Yeah, you forget that spot a lot, but I don’t.” 

“Alex, please!” 

Alex ignores the please and runs his fingers up Henry’s ribs. Henry lets out a high-pitched squeal, causing Alex to laugh loudly himself . 

“Now that was an adorable sound. Can you do it again?” 

“Why dohoho you n-never stohop tahahalking?!” Henry is starting to really lose it. Alex has been tickling him nonstop for close to ten minutes now. Henry’s face, chest, and legs are red, from blushing and the devastating effects of Alex’s fingers. 

“Everyone loves to hear me talk.” 

“I swehehear, I will get you bahahack!” Henry promises, giggling. Alex has slowed his fingers to nonsensical patterns on Henry’s stomach, allowing the prince to breathe. 

“Don’t threaten me with a good time.” Alex winks at him. 

Henry shoves at Alex’s shoulder. Alex falls dramatically, but not before scrabbling his fingers across Henry’s thighs once more. 

“Stahap!” Henry rolls in on himself. 

Alex laughs as he stands up, offering a hand to Henry. 

“Piss off.” Henry tells him, swatting his hand away and standing on his own. 

“Don’t be mad, baby.” 

Henry blushes again. 

“Every time.” Alex grins. 

“Fuck you.” Henry retorts, a silly grin still on his face. 

“Any time, Your Royal Highness.” 

[blacktofade]

ok i combed through your blog for long enough that i think this is a safe space to do a little discussion of ccs personal lives. if not, you don't have to answer this. but: i know we are all very happy for skizz to be able to go full time with youtube and twitch but i am 99% sure i know what company he worked for — i don't think it's ever been too hard to find the info so maybe most people do? but i've never seen anyone say it directly. if it wasn't common knowledge before, this is going to make it extremely easy to find out — anyway, that company is going through fucking massive layoffs and cutbacks right now, which was announced in private to employees the same day that skizz made his announcement. i don't know how well it lined up other than the day, but the major shit he would have been in either pushed him to jump into professional youtubing and streaming even though it isn't as secure for him as people on the outside might think, or at the very least made the decision feel much better in retrospect.

the graph of the company's stock crash is painful even if you are entirely disconnected from the industry, it is historically awful. like the situation for the company as a whole is not, at this point, bankruptcy bad, but it's not-entirely-unwarranted-comparisons-to-late-90s-early-00s-era-nortel bad. which is… Very Bad. they're cutting approximately 1 out of every 7 employees (15,000 people) over the next couple of months, and in just one day wiped out $30 billion-with-a-b worth of value from the market. it's an absolute nightmare for the people working there, because nobody knows if they're going to be one of the ones getting laid off yet. the company's giving early retirement packages to push out some of higher earning workers, and even if skizz made his decision to leave after knowing the layoffs were coming, the chance he was included in that is very small. but i do hope he got a good deal, if he could.

in conclusion: it's very likely this choice was even scarier than anyone in the fandom previously thought, so… idk everyone please subscribe to skizz on twitch if possible!!!!!

This is absolutely a safe space for CC real life discussions, mostly because I know I'm way more deranged than any anon could be. I know things that would make CCs sweat.

I'm also going to name and shame the company, Intel, because Skizz has mentioned it before, so I'm not considering it a secret -- plus he's no longer there. It's also real shitty what they're doing and my heart goes out to their employees. I dealt with something similar recently and can confirm that these guys will have to wait weeks/months to find out if their job is safe and it will be the most degrading, dehumanizing experience ever.

I keep hemming and hawing about my 1000 IQ assumptions (lmfao), but he 100% knew about the layoff. Whether he heard about it and bounced or whether he took a volunteer deal is up for debate, but there's no way he didn't know it was coming. These companies are not subtle and Skizz is a smart man.

I am quietly praying he was able to take a volunteer deal though, because severance packages at those kinds of companies are WILD. Like, for some actual example numbers, a coworker of mine got 23 weeks of pay (8 weeks base + 15 weeks for years of service), which they received as a lump sum. Skizz says he's been with Intel for 20+ years so he'd be looking at base + 40 weeks. Dude would most likely get a year's salary lump sum (minus taxes), which would definitely help him going the full-time route.

Intel won't be going anywhere anytime soon, but their employees are going to be overworked and underpaid for the foreseeable future and we should be glad that Skizz is free! He's his own boss and, yes, we should all go support him to show he definitely made the right choice! He's such a delight and I will continue to be unwell and horny about him!!

[faustandfurious]

Master and Commander liveblog: Chapters 1-2

Apparently the Locatelli C major quartet that kicks off the entire series isn’t even a real piece of music??? Locatelli exists, but his C major quartet sure doesn’t

I’d honestly forgotten how young they both are at the beginning of the story

I love that the first interaction between these two is Aubrey being excited about music and Maturin being a bit of an asshole. Truly excellent golden retriever/black cat character dynamic

Aubrey’s first impression of Maturin is extremely funny in light of everything that is to come: “The ill-looking son of a bitch, to give himself such airs”

Honestly my only frame of reference for money in this time period is Mr. Darcy with his ten thousand a year, so Jack making 5 pounds 12 shillings per month really puts that amount of money into perspective

Implication that Jack Aubrey slept with Molly Harte?

“I am to be found any morning at Joselito’s coffee-house” Maturin being broke and hanging out in coffee shops is a vibe

“the velvet softness of the April night, and the choir of nightingales in the orange-trees, and the host of stars hanging so low as almost to touch the palms” I’m absolutely in love with these small snippets of atmospheric writing

Teniente (Spanish) = lieutenant

I’ll have to pay more attention to the dates this time around, to keep track of the progression of time and the historical events. Anyway, we have our first time point: 1st April, 1800 - Jack Aubrey is made captain, though he receives the news later the same month

I won’t go into all the naval terminology here, because I don’t actually think that you need to understand every single word in order to get the overall gist of what is happening on the ship, but I’ll try to make some notes every now and then

First-rate = Royal Navy term for the largest warships

“May I propose a cup of chocolate, or coffee?” AUBREY/MATURIN COFFEE SHOP AU

These two being nerds about music gives me so much life

Boccherini (which I’ve actually played on violin at one point)

Upupa epops

Maturin remarking on Aubrey wearing only one epaulette and asking if he has forgotten the other one, and Aubrey saying that he’ll put them both on by and by, because you’re only allowed two epaulettes with at least three years seniority as a captain. Stephen knows jack shit about naval ranks

Well, Captain Harte is a piece of shit

Mr. Baldick really said “there’s too much buggery on board” and Jack is like “I don’t want people to be hanged for being gay”

And here comes the naval terminology

“It’s the price that has to be paid” I don’t know why Jack reflecting on the way his new role as captain sets him apart from the rest of the crew, hits so hard, but it does

Stephen being a language nerd <3

Meanwhile Jack gets putain (whore) and patois (nonstandard language) mixed up

“looking at Stephen Maturin with candid affection”

Stephen does math in Catalan because of course

Phthisis = pulmonary tuberculosis, apparently

“‘Surgeons are excellent fellows,’ said Stephen Maturin with a touch of acerbity” average internist describing surgeons tbh

“and when I told you, some time ago, that I had not eaten so well for a great while, I did not speak figuratively” Stephen Maturin poor little meow-meow confirmed

For the ominous way James Dillon is mentioned by Stephen here, I can’t actually remember from my first readthrough what that was all about

“‘Christ,’ he said at last. ‘Another day.’” Stephen continues to be a mood

The way Stephen thinks Jack sailed without him, as if he would ever do that

First appearance of nickname “Goldilocks”

Jack giving Stephen money in a way which leaves his pride intact is such a sweet moment <3

[neptunescore]

zak brown hater anon here and heheh. I can’t explain how happy I am seeing Zak Brown look of disappointment after the race. Literally giggling and kicking my feet. I think I’m thriving. McLauren and RedBull were pretty equal but of course McLauren had batter pace at the end. Honestly I’m not mad about this race but also not too happy because this is a triple header. As a McLaren hater I pray on their downfall but as an Oscar fan if they must be successful I hope he’s the one winning.

ANYWAY, while I’m here I guess I’ll talk about the recent drama with Mercedes. My personal opinion, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time but I think Mercedes wasn’t pushing Lewis aside. Did they make questionable decisions? Yes 100%. But at the same time I don’t think they’re purposefully disregarding him just because he’s moving to another team. He’s been with them for years and while I heard Mercedes didn’t offer a promising deal to him in the end it was up to him. Lewis is getting older and it’s his career. Like what he said in DTS to Toto that Toto can continue being in the sport but he can’t. That’s just not possible.

It’s great progress that Mercedes is finally picking up the pace but I do not think the reason the car “magically got better” is because of the recent drama. Some people may have been joking but to those being serious, improving a car does NOT take a weekend. It takes weeks- months- even until the end of the season- to improve the car. We have seen that over the past few races Mercedes have been increasingly faster and a better race pace but it is not because of Lewis and his fans saying he’s being sabotaged. They are still a team and they have their morals and competitiveness- they want to win- why would they push it all away just because their driver is moving to another team?

One thing to note, I do think the social media admin was feeling a bit goofy and was not paying attention to Lewis as much as George. In one way, it’s reasonable with their standings but in the last few races I think it became apparent that the admin is just not paying attention to what’s happening with Lewis. So I understand people’s a very towards that.

I think it’s important to factor in that most of this escalated mainly because of the fanbase. And it kinda disgusts me how everyone is joking (and agreeing with the person who wrote the email) about the email that proceeded to defame the crew in Mercedes (especially Toto and George). If there were any members that WERE against Lewis, I believe it still shouldn’t excuse putting it up against the entire team because then it’s punishing the entire team for a few people that might not even hold important positions to make a difference. (In this scenario I’m talking they aren’t on the same level as who’s on the pitwall). Everyone saying “oh, car is better and not f**ked because of the email” is kinda bs. I will say Mercedes is now making sure they equally support both Lewis and George on social media but on track, the car was always the same. Strategy made the difference and you can argue that George gets the better strategy than Lewis but in the end they are a team. Whoever is in a better position to gain more points will receive the better strategy.

Lewis will always be Mercedes champion but it also doesn’t mean Mercedes can’t win without him. I’ve seen some recent tweets defaming George and- hate him all you want- but he’s a competitive driver. He may not have the skills to make up for it like Nico, but he’s consistently gaining experience and has shown his growth. A good example being the amazing start in the Spanish GP. Yes, he complains a lot, but don’t all drivers? People forget George looks up to Lewis and even if their relationship may have changed over their years as teammates it does not change that Lewis was and still is his role model.

anyone can disagree with me on this ofc. You can think Lewis gets the short end which is totally fine (I can understand your points, don’t get me wrong) but at least do not praise the email for defaming multiple people that might not even be involved if there is anything happening behind the scenes. I love Lewis and I was giggling and kicking my feet seeing him on the podium. I’m super excited to see what else Mercedes can bring to the table and try to fight for wins in the upcoming races. I’m a max fan but Lewis is really close up there (funny, isn’t?) so I can’t wait to see them fighting on track again soon. I feel like I my lifespan extends whenever I see them together on podium and fighting on track.

thank you for coming to my ted talk 🫶

ZB❌️ ANON!!! I missed you pookie😔✋����

God, SAMEEE. Like after his comment on how lando could be winning championships if they had the best car, the visceral and pure need that arose in me to see him swallow his words, literally none of u will understand how deep it went😭. BUT LOOK AT MY MAXY FULLFILLING ALL MY DESIRES AND SHOWING THEM THERES A REASON HES CONSIDERED ONE OF THE BEST!!! I LOVE HIM!! And I agree on the oscar part as well, like I'm the biggest mclaren hater to exist (the TEAM, NOT the drivers, please don't come at me ppl😭), but if they're doing anything successful I'd love to watch oscar bring it, acc... ugh, I don't know, I never wanna see that ugly orange on the podium (this is NOT me hating on the drivers, if they're on the podium then they deserve to be there, I just hate mclaren alot guys😔✊🏽)

Moving on to the mercedes drama, I've already made so many posts abt it, but ur ask summarises my opinions perfectly (as always🫶🏼). The main thing pissing me off is the fact that some fans genuinely believe that email, or if they don't, they still joke abt the things that were being said in it. Like, do they not understand how VILE the whole email was?? It literally accuses george of SLEEPING WITH HIS BOSS, says they're plotting to KILL LEWIS, and then makes the most indirect threats against George's own wellbeing. That's absolutely batshit crazy. There's no way anyone should believe/ joke abt that.

As a young POC girl (and just as a fan in general), I literally adore lewis, but the fact that when he was asked abt the hate george was receiving, he just chose to brush it aside and say how 'he's never heard of it' rlly got me irritated. Like, at least tell ppl that any kind of hate, in general, towards any driver is just straight up wrong❌️ and should not✋🏽 be a thing they do.

Anyway, fans that r saying lewis ended up on the podium bc they finally stopped sabotaging his car after the email are just a new level of delulu. I won't even explain this because no f1 fan needs an explanation on how long cars take to be built/ adjusted🙂. Also, in the end these comments are just taking away from lewis' efforts, bc despite the shit car, he STILL managed to put it up on the podium (tho the car rlly did seem to suit this track)

Overall, I personally (none of u need to agree with me) think merc is NOT sabotaging lewis (why would they, the team needs points so bad😭) but they ARE acting shit towards him, especially the social media team.

I love ur Ted talks ZB❌️ anon, come by whenever u want❤️ (what's ur opinion on the carlos and charles situation btw)

[allmyey3s]

Wip Wednesday

Well it's been a while since I posted any writing here, huh? I've been dragging on this side chapter thing I'm working on since January. It's already over 4k words and they haven't even really started yet 😭

But after way too long our favorite monster boy is back! Well, not really. But you'll just have to figure it out on your own hehe :)

Anyways this chapter is gonna be extremely fucked up so this is your warning!

Have a little sneak peak as a treat (because you won't hear from me again until October)

"You know pretty girls shouldn't go in the woods all by themselves," the monster purred tauntingly. They suddenly yanked him lower so his now once again hard dick is level with their mouth. Swiss grunts and shakes his head in order to clear his swimming vision. "I'm not a girl," he hisses, baring his teeth when his eyes finally focus on the beast again.

The monster is staring up at him, that content smirk still on their face. "Oh really? And what makes you think that?" they asked in a sarcastic, almost mocking tone, raising an eyebrow.

Swiss scoffs and twists violently in his bindings a few times. "I don't know, maybe the lack of tits and feminine behavior? What makes you think I am one?" he spits and snaps his teeth at them with the last sentence.

The beast laughs loudly with a full chest. Their eyes glint with mischief, but something darker could be seen beneath it. They run their tongue over their fangs bared in a smirk before speaking. "Well, that can be fixed, can't it?"

Before Swiss can question what they mean or come up with something snarky to bite back with, a slightly unpleasant tingling sensation shoots up his thighs and further into his body. His eyes widen with confusion as he looks down only to find a green glow emanating from the creature's hands, where they're wrapped around his thighs. He doesn't really have time to focus on the glow though, because next thing he knows his raging boner disappears.

He doesn't go soft, no, it just vanishes. His entire dick disappears into thin air, well, a trail of quickly dissipating green sparkles. His balls follow suit, and just for a moment his crotch is nothing but a flap of taut skin.

That moment doesn't last very long though. Just before he can really take a good look at the smooth bump that remained, the skin splits into two. Swiss gasps loudly, twitching away yet unable to tear his eyes away from the sight. He doesn't feel any pain, it's all just weirdly numb and tingly, but it's not like he can really pay attention to the sensation while he grows a full vagina before his very own eyes.

He snaps his head back up to look at the beast with a mix of bewilderment, disgust, and borderline panic. "What the actual fuck?" he chokes out, and to his surprise, it comes out high-pitched. His voice sounds higher than it did just a minute ago, not squeaky, but high and girly.

This new discovery only serves to fuel his shock and confusion, and the beast seems to have taken note of the additional reaction. They once again laugh with a full chest, the cackles dripping with amusement and satisfaction, as if they're receiving just what they've been craving for months.

Much to Swiss' dismay however, his transformation is not yet finished. When he finally forces himself to look down again he finds another pair of surprises on his chest.

He's grown tits.

They're not small either, his estimate would be a solid C cup and growing.

His eyes dart from his crotch to his chest repeatedly, brows furrowing and face distorting with disgust. Only then does he register the discomfort in his hips. It's a faint, dull ache, settled deep in his bones. He's felt it before, it's similar to.... growing pains?

His eyes narrow as he focuses his attention to one of his hip bones, and not so unexpectedly, he figures it's moved. His hips have visibly grown, widened and stretched to a typical, perhaps slightly more shapely woman's build.

"What the fuck..." he whispers again, voice breaking a little on the curse, as he slowly raises his head back up to hesitantly meet the beast's gaze. He recoils at the sound of his own voice, all feminine and wrong.

The monster laughs again in return, then leans down and forward slightly, invading the ghoul's personal space. "Well, I think we've taken care of 'lack of tits'," they purr smugly, tone dripping with satisfaction. "What else did you say? Feminine behavior?"

Once again, before Swiss can snark something back, he's being moved, the vines around him shifting and creaking slightly. He's suddenly hanging with his belly exposed to the ground. The position is more uncomfortable than moments ago, the vines digging into his sore hips and his equally tingling stomach.

A clawed hand sneaks into his hair, grips it tightly and forcibly tilts his head down in order to look into the water of the nearby lake - since when is there a lake in this part of the forest?

"I can teach you how to be a good girl, alright."

He stares off into the depths, eyes squinting as he tries to make out whatever the creature wants him to see in the pool of turquoise. "I don't-" he mumbles, then cuts himself off with a gasp upon finally seeing it.

Staring back up at him from the pristine lake surface is his own reflection. Except it looks virtually nothing like him.

With horror he realizes he's wearing the body of a fully developed female. Shoulders narrower than before, two massive tits on his chest, slimmer waist, wide birthing hips and large thighs. His skin is all smooth and soft, only emphasizing the rough texture of the vines holding him captive.

His wide eyes finally travel up to his face and his bewildered expression. He quickly takes notice of his newly moulded face. His mustache and stubble have disappeared, giving way to soft, supple skin. His lips are slightly more puffy and pink-toned than usual, his nose smaller, his face overall more soft and feminine.

Everything is in extremes, there is no subtleness. He looks like a hyper-feminine curvy girl. Once again, as if it's the only thing he can muster up to say, "What the fuck."

Once again, for the hundredth time, the beast gives a booming laugh in reaction. "Like what you see I presume?" they question while making a show of snaking their hands up the ghoul's body. They look so large splayed over his stomach, up on his ribcage, until both wrap around each of his newly grown tits. They grope and knead, causing Swiss to squirm in an attempt to get away from the strange new sensation. They suddenly pinch and pull hard on the nipples, making him flinch and hiss. "Ow- hey!"

The sound of liquid splashing onto the unmoving surface of the lake makes his tightly shut eyes open. At first, he sees nothing, until a faint opaque fleck in the water catches his eye. The beast repeats the action, and with his very own eyes, he can see pearly white droplets drip from his nipples, splashing down into the water.

"Woah- hey! What the-"

"What the fuck," the creature mocks him and tweaks one of his nipples again. "If that's all your pretty little mouth can say I'll put it to a better use."

"Do not dare make me deepthroat a vine again!" Swiss bites, making sure to let all of his frustration bleed into his tone.

The creature hesitates for just a second, and he swears a speck of confusion washes through its expression. But it's gone just as quickly, and just to be more petty, they do exactly that.

"Thank you for the idea, little girl," they purr as they flick their wrist, causing a vine snaking up the ghoul's sternum to plummet straight into his mouth, right past his lips, teeth and tongue.

Swiss feels tears well up in his eyes.

[thefigureinthecorner]

Emergency-ish Commissions!!

My bank recently changed things so that instead of a $6 service fee if you dip below $200, it's a $12 service fee if you dip below $1200. I am not currently struggling because of this which is why I only call this emergency-ish; that said I would greatly like to be able to get enough money together to be able to avoid paying $12 a month for the basic privilege of Having Some Money

Currently I need about $900 to reach that $1200 threshold, and that is. a lot

So!! Here is my commission info again, in case anyone would like to see that, but below that I also am going to include some additional ways to support me!

So as mentioned in the graphic, I take commissions through my ko-fi, though I can work through other payment options through DMs as needed (though I do not take Paypal at all for a few reasons-- sorry about that!!)

If the prices on here are too high, you can send me whatever you can afford over ko-fi and indicate in a comment if it's just to support me or if you'd like a doodle in return, and I'll give you a quick doodle for that!!

link to my ko-fi here!

Also if you'd like something non-digital please feel free to DM me and I can work out the pricing on that; I can confidently make work in just about any medium aside from oil paints :D

And, though it's not entirely ideal for me and I get less money from it, if you'd rather receive a physical item rather than a digital drawing, and if you see something on it you like, I do have a redbubble!!

redbubble link is here!

Please reblog this to spread it a bit; I tend to get commissions very rarely so any extra reach would be appreciated!!

[mwolf0epsilon]

Tup gets the call rather unexpectedly. He had been in the middle of a very animated conversation between himself, Jesse and Fives while playing sabbacc, when his comm had pinged with three consecutive messages.

It's a pattern that he very easily recognizes, and one that he can't help but slightly roll his eyes at. Whenever Dogma comms him like this, it usually entails some kind of discussion about a gripe he has with this or that thing that, ultimately, he ends up not really caring about in the long run. Just feels the need to briefly vent about.

Even so, potential triviality or not, he isn't one to dismiss his twin or his feelings about whatever new event of the week is bothering him. Not in the same way that the others are often wont to do, as is the case when he tells his older brothers who it is that's just interrupted their game.

He's grateful for it in the end, his devotion to looking after his kih'vod, because the rapid messages make his stomach drop with anxiety almost as soon as he reads them.

I messed up. Come meet me at LC. Preferably alone.

He does as he's asked, all but imagining a billion and one scenarios where Dogma's life may or may not be on the line of fire. It couldn't be anything of less severity. His diligent twin often so careful, that whatever it was that he had done that counted as 'messing up' could only mean life or death.

He wasn't entirely wrong either...

---

As soon as he had reached the Logistics Center where Dogma had gone to, to receive this month's shipment of supplies (a job usually reserved for at least four people, but which Dogma's assigned partners had entirely ditched on him instead to go to 79's), he half expected to see a scene of chaos. Maybe a fire.

Instead he was met with a very nervous Dogma, who is standing by a few supply crates looking all kinds of shaken up. In fact his twin looked as close to spewing his guts on the ground from how agitated he was, as that day he'd gotten kneed so hard on the crotch that he'd just flopped over onto the mats on his side like a sack of tubers.

On top of the crates was the reason of his agitation.

"Is that..."

"Tup, I messed up!" if the nervous fidgeting wasn't enough of an indicator of Dogma's current frazzled state, then the strain and wetness of his voice certainly was. "No one else was here so I wasn't paying attention! I was just... The flimsywork had to be done ASAP and... I didn't see or hear her and... Oh crap Tup, I kicked the commander and she hasn't woken up since! I am going to get decommissioned for sure!"

"You KICKED the commander?!" That was not great. Although, not the oddest part of the situation. No. That would be the fact their padawan commander, Ahsoka Tano, jedi-in-training under Anakin Skywalker, was currently the size of a karking nuna.

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO!" The flush of his brother's face crawled up his ears as his eyes began to overfill with tears. Dogma was so stressed he was about to cry, and maker was he a messy crier.

"Ok, ok! Calm down, it was an accident!" Tup reassured, making a note to raise his hands carefully to show his brother all was fine. "I'm sure she won't hold it against you... Err... provided she remembers that you kicked her..."

The strangled whine that left Dogma's throat only made him wince more. A bubble of snot starting to inflate out of his left nostril as he tried to contain the sheer terror that was coursing through him.

"We uh... Kark, we should maybe get a medkit. Or uh, call Kix." Tup scratched his head as he stared down at the tiny commander. His eyes widening as he noticed her stir. "Oh, uh, she's coming to!"

"She's going to tell the general... I'm doomed!" Dogma practically wailed. He wasn't getting any calmer.

"Vod, please sit down and take a deep breath! No one is gonna fault you for accidentally kicking the commander!" Tup exclaimed as he made his brother sit down besides the tiny padawan.

"Is that what hit me...?" Both troopers startled as they looked down at Ahsoka who was now shakily getting onto her knees. The poor thing looked dizzy, which wasn't too comforting of a sight. Especially not for Dogma, who's breathing was becoming more erratic as he observed her stilted movements.

"Commander! Are you ok...?" After making sure his brother wasn't about to collapse, Tup knelt down before the storage crate. Helping to steady the poor girl who was most likely concussed by the harsh blow she'd taken.

"I think so... But..." she frowned, staring up at both Tup and Dogma through squinted eyes. "...Why am I so small?"

Exchanging looks, Tup and a very tearful Dogma looked back down at the young girl with obvious concern.

"You don't know?" The teardrop-tattooed trooper asked, only to receive a slight shake of the head that only seemed to make Ahsoka feel dizzier. "Dee, was she already small when you..."

"Yes... I didn't see or hear her. I just..." Dogma sniffled. "I just felt myself hit something with my foot when I turned around to start hauling the crates towards the forklifts... A-and when I looked down..."

"Hm... So uh, you didn't hear anything odd or... See anything out of place before then?"

"No..."

"Well... That definitely makes this whole ordeal even weirder than it already is..."

This situation would certainly not be the easiest thing to explain back at the 501st Barracks. Nor would the discussion about the origins of the commander's concussion. Tup definitely wasn't looking forward to the misery and terror Dogma would be feeling afterwards. His poor twin had a tendency to blow things so out of proportion, that he actually made himself sick out of worrying too much.

Not that the commander appearing to them inexplicably tiny wasn't worth worrying about. After all, Dogma had only kicked her. The scenario would have been considerably worse if he'd instead accidentally stepped and crushed her to death.

Then, for sure, decommissioning would certainly be on the line. The sergeant likely seeing to it that he got what he thought he deserved. None of the 501st could stomach the thought of involuntarily harming their little sister.

[maxident-xx]

you know what. fuck it. *posts entire phony wip in here*

WC : 3628

@wabatle @sillynene-13 since yall like phony

Chapter One - 02/01/2XXX

Death Corps. Everyone feared the four knocks on the door. Four, the unlucky number. That's when the Death Corps recruiters would come, forcing you to join the army. Everyone had to join, starting at the age of 13. I think they started doing it because of the amount of wars that have been going on lately. They need more soldiers to defend our crappy country. There were two ways you could get out of serving in the Death Corps: if you had some serious disability or if you were filthy rich. If you paid enough money, you could avoid going for half a year. If you keep paying, when you turn 35, they stop caring. My parents have been using the payment method of saving my brother and I for the past few years, up until now. The four dreaded knocks. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.

I silently ran downstairs to overhear the conversation between my dad and the recruiter. The recruiter was a woman with blonde hair and dark brown roots. She had dark siren eyes and was dressed in an all black attire. She was utterly terrifying.

“Yes, Mr. Terry Black? We're here to enlist Mallory Poppy Black and Fitz Aster Black for their necessary Death Corps Service. We didn't receive any payment, and in the Death Corps Handbook, Section 37B it states if there is no payment to spare yourself from serving for a month, a Death Corps recruiter is obligated to come and take you or your children to training.”

“Recruiter, ma'am, we might've run out of money, but please don't do this to my kids. I'll pay double the amount next year.”

“I'm so sorry, Mr. Black. I cannot do that, I don't make the rules. I listen to the handbook. Can you please call them over?”

“Mallory, Fitz! Come down!” 

I went down first, my twin brother, Fitz, following shortly after. His face paled as he recognized the skull embroidered on the recruiters uniform.

“You're shitting me,” Fitz choked out.

“I'm so sorry,” My dad chanted as he squeezed us. “I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, please stay safe, my babies,” He was beginning to cry now. I bit the inside of my cheek, trying not to sob with him.

“Come with me, you two,” The recruiter ordered. Fitz and I followed her to her van. “Everyone in Death Corps has a code name. Mine is Guerilla. I am not telling you my real name, as per Death Corps Handbook section 1B. You two need to serve 18 months each.” She reapplied her cherry red lipstick before starting the van. “I'll be picking up more kids after. If any of you guys try to escape, you will suffer immediate consequences. What are they? You don't want to know.” 

“Guerilla scares me,” Fitz whispered.

“Real, if I have to serve in her regiment I don't know what I would do,” I whispered back. I couldn't shake the question off my brain, why can't she say her real name? Is it for privacy reasons? What if we did find her real name?

For those of you reading this story, sorry to interrupt, but I'm Mallory and I hate my life. My parents are divorced because they have absolutely no love for each other. The world is at a constant state of war. My twin brother is a weirdo. I probably won't get to eat mint chocolate chip ice cream for the next 18 months. But it could be worse?

The next person that boarded the van is some kid who looks our age. He was too busy crying to say anything about himself.

After that there was this one kid who just stared off into space for three minutes before talking. “My sister is in the Death Corps. I wonder how she's doing. She's almost done with her service.”

“What's her name, child?” Guerilla asked from the front seat.

“Eden. Eden Mendoza. I'm Wren, her little sibling,” The kid said. I could not tell the gender of that thing, and apparently, neither could anyone else.

“Oh, Himmel. Her left leg's been completely blown off I tell ya. Blood everywhere, it flew six or seven feet away from her, what a sight! But don't worry, she's doin’ better,” Guerilla informed. 

Fitz and I looked at each other, eyes both wide. The boy started crying harder. Wren's mouth was agape. “Her- Her leg was blown off??”

“Mhm, that's not even the worst I've witnessed on the battlefield. She uses a prosthetic leg now.” The fact Guerilla could say that with such a straight face shows how traumatizing serving for the Death Corps would be. I can't wait. (That's sarcasm, for those of you who are a little slow.)

After Guerilla collected all of the recruits, there were a total of eight people in the back of the van. Four boys, three girls, and one whatever the hell Wren was. The oldest in the van was a 21 year old man, the youngest was Wren, being 14 years old.

When we arrived at the camp, boy, was it crowded. There were varying expressions, from people trembling and crying to people being… excited to be here? You have a 51.6% death rate from serving in Death Corps, and you're excited? I wish I was that optimistic about dying. 

“Mallory, if I die, please hide my phone from Dad. One wrong click and he's going to bring me back from the dead and kill me again,” Fitz told me. I wonder how he'd feel knowing two years after he said that, I went through his phone and found out exactly why he said that.

“Same goes with me. If Dad found the drawings in my sketchbook, I'm done for.” I've never gotten along with Fitz well, but I guess it's easier to talk with someone when you're both in a life-or-death situation.

A loud siren came from way up front and a man who appeared to be around his mid-30's stepped up on the podium. “Welcome all Death Corps recruits. I am Eifrit, the current General of Death Corps. You are all gathered here today to serve your required 18 month term. You will undergo training and testing to decide which subunit is the most fitting for you. We wish the best for you, and as our founder would say, ‘Experiri non mori.’ Thank you.”

I think I'm going to start writing my suicide note. Death Corps, you guys can get a special shout out.

Chapter Two - 02/01/2XXX

“Alright, everyone from van SK431 come to this side! I will be doing a fitness test to see if you are fit to be in battle. I will be doing this with the aid of my helper, Andromeda. Introduce yourself, Andromeda!” Guerilla announced.

Andromeda was slightly shorter than Guerilla and had a nose piercing, a mole above her lips, split dyed black and white hair, and purple eyes that seemed as if they lost the glimmer in them a long time ago. “Hello trainees, my name is Andromeda, as Guerilla said, and I serve as a medic in the Death Corps. I will be doing a full body examination, and then we will run some exercises to test your stamina, dexterity, and strength. Any questions before we begin?”

“Ew a full body exam?? Are we going to like, have to strip naked or something?” Some ugly boy exclaims. He was one of the guys that were excited to be here.

“I don't want to see your small dick either, buddy. I have to do this, unfortunately.” Most of the group burst into laughter as whoever that guy was tried to come up with a comeback.

“Oh yeah? Well I bet um… Um… I bet you uh… You smell bad?!” That was the worst attempt at an insult I've ever seen.

Andromeda ignored his statement and moved onto the actual inspections. Fitz went first in a dingy tent with a caduceus on the front. He came back ten minutes later traumatized.

This part is icky and I'm sure you don't want to read it so I'll skip to the part after the whole medical exams. There were person shaped targets lined up and we were each handed a pistol. 

“You all have to shoot the targets. You get two tries, we'll be looking for people that have great accuracy,” Guerilla explained. “You kid, you're up first.”

Wren closed an eye and got into shooting position. The bullet hit a perfect bullseye.

“How did you do it? It was probably just a lucky shot!” A guy shouted.

“I'm used to shooting, my parents taught me when I was younger to prepare me for this. I prefer sniping more, though,” Wren said.

“You're hella good kid, shoot again?” Guerilla rested an arm on their shoulder. They nodded before getting back into position and shooting again, this time a little off from the bullseye. Guerilla wrote something down on a paper and let the weird guy– who's name I later learned was Lawrence– shoot. He used both his shots immediately and just barely hit the target. Guess we know who isn't going to be a shooter. Fitz was after two other people, and he did average. He hit pretty close to the bullseye the first time, and hit somewhere on the outer edges on the second try. I went last, and I had a stunning realization: I need glasses. And I need to find out which eye was my dominant eye. 

“Loser,” Fitz snickered. I elbowed him.

“This is why you're the one that was an accident,” I retorted. He didn't say anything back.

“Next up is close combat! Since there are eight people gathered here, we'll do this tournament style!” Guerilla seemed a little too enthusiastic to watch people fight each other.

First match was some random girl against Fitz. I'm not sure if pitting a girl against a boy is a good idea but equal rights, equal fights. The other recruits, Guerilla, and I watched as Fitz and the girl threw punches at each other. Fitz landed a punch on her nose, and I think something in that girl snapped because she kicked him right where it hurts the most. Everyone felt the pain Fitz felt as he fell to the ground with a groan.

“I win!” The girl smiled. She held her hand out to help Fitz up, but he swatted it away.

“I'm in extreme pain, I don't think I can get up yet,” Fitz groaned. Who's the loser now?”

“I know you can do it, Fitz. Get up if you want to survive,” Guerilla walked towards him and slightly nudged him with her foot. He got up immediately and stood right next to me.

I let him rest his arm on my shoulder as the next match started. It was Wren versus the 21 year old. Okay, these matches are getting a bit unfair now, aren't they? Wren probably just started going through puberty and they're fighting someone who's old enough to drink? The match started with Wren charging directly at the man, and the man retaliated by body slamming Wren on the floor. The thud was loud, but the silence after Wren's eyes closed was louder. 

“That was a child? You could've gone easier on the thing!” Guerilla squatted to feel Wren's pulse. “They're still alive, I'll go call Andromeda. You shouldn't have done that during training, but I like your attitude, man. You better show the same strength on the battlefield, soldier. I'll be back soon. Mallory, you look after everyone.”

The sound of Guerilla's boots hitting the ground decrescendoed as she left the training site. The man looked down on the floor where Wren laid and sat down. “Damn,” He said.

Damn indeed. 

Guerilla returned with Andromeda, who came to pick Wren up, with another girl by her side. She had the same chocolate eyes and facial structure as Wren. The doctor's coat and skirt were long, but not enough to cover the prosthetic leg she had. Was she Himmel? 

“Wren has a minor concussion, but they'll be fine with a little rest. When they wake up, tell them big sis says hi.” Himmel patted their hair before getting up. “Andromeda will supply the medicine to quicken recovery.”

“Thank you, Himmel. I'll tell you when the kid wakes up again.” Guerilla seemed like a genuinely nice person outside of the battlefield. “In the meantime, let's have our third match. Mallory versus Lewis.”

Lewis was the kid that was crying the whole trip here. When the match started, he stood and waited for me to attack. I was about to do the same until I realized that it was a pussy move. So I kicked his shins hard. He fell to the floor immediately and begged for mercy. I think what happened to Wren scared him.

“Mallory wins… I guess. I don't think that counts as much of a win, but great job?” Guerilla stared at Lewis with a pitiful expression. “I don't know what I'm going to do with you. Alright, fourth match starts in a minute!”

“You only won because Lewis is weak. If you went against anyone else, you'd lose,” Fitz told me. 

“You're not wrong.” I weigh 100 pounds and I am 5’6, of course I would lose against anyone that wasn't Lewis.

The fourth match was Lawrence versus a girl. These people need to say their names. I'm going to confuse the readers by saying “this girl” or “this guy” for the millionth time. I should use adjectives to make it a little easier to differentiate. Pink haired girl. That works.

Back to the story, I watched Lawrence win against the pink haired girl, but she put up a pretty strong fight. She seems normal, unlike Lawrence. She was crying a little in the van, but now she looks like she's just accepted her fate. Girl same. 

“What a fight, huh? Most of you guys did great. After Wren wakes up, we'll do an obstacle course,” Guerilla declared. An obstacle course doesn't sound too bad. I'm pretty quick, I have experience. By experience I mean running away from my brother after I eat the last piece of cake. But I'm sure it won't be that bad, right?

Right?

Chapter Three - 02/01/2XXX

I was wrong. It was that bad.

Wren woke up 30 minutes later after Andromeda and Himmel visited, confused. Hope they didn't get amnesia. Guerilla gave them some of the pain medication, but other than the confusion they seemed alright. 

“Sorry for knocking you out and giving you a concussion or something,” Wren's opponent apologized.

“It's okay. Maybe. I understand why you did that, I would've done the same.” Wren forced a smile. Really shitty apology, but good on them for accepting(?) it.

“Okay, now that Wren is back, it's time for the obstacle course. I'm tired of explaining so this should make sense. Y'all have seen obstacle courses before. Coming back in one piece is optional, I'll tell Andromeda to wait at the end and I'll stay here and make sure none of you losers cheat.” Guerilla does not get paid enough to deal with us and I feel her. 

It started with loser boy Lewis tripping and falling face first on the mud. I- along with many others- ran over him. Sorry Lewis. We had to jump hurdles, which almost led to my downfall. After that, it was climbing a cliff and landing the jump on a mattress. 

You get what happens during obstacle courses. I was neck to neck with pink haired girl for most of it until the final stretch, where I made it first. Fitz was third and Wren was behind him. Lewis was last, as always. This boy is a true example of a loser, Fitz, not me.

Guerilla decided to give us a break before starting an… intelligence test? Lawrence failed, as expected. Zero questions right, how does that happen? Fitz got half the questions right. I got 80%, good for me. Wren got one more question right than I did. I got outscored by a 14 year old. I need to evaluate my life choices.

“Folks, since we've completed all the tests, y'all get a break and tomorrow morning we have an assembly. There, you will get sorted into groups based on your performance today. I'm going to drink until I pass out, don't disturb me, your dorms are over there.” Guerilla pointed to a rundown shack. 

I only had one word when I walked in. Gross. Even my brother's underwear doesn't smell as bad as this place.

When I stepped in, it smelled like literal ass. There were four bunk beds, so I played safe and got a bunk above Fitz. The shower was freezing, but it felt refreshing to be able to shower. 

“Guys, appear normal. The troop leaders are doing a check on every training regiment and I want a raise. If you're on your best behavior, I'll let you sleep in an extra five minutes.” Guerilla entered our shack 45 minutes later when most of us were all freshened up. 

Waiting didn't take too long, because it was only two minutes after Guerilla announced a troop leader was arriving when one actually did.

Dear readers, I don't usually find anyone that attractive. But this troop leader? God damn, when I tell you she was fine! She had light blue hair that went to her lower back, a scar that started from her nose to above her right eye, electric blue eyes, and a tank top that revealed her arm muscles. She had a black cap sporting the Death Corps emblem on too. She looked scary in a different way than Guerilla did.

“This the training regiment from van SK431, correct? May I see the results of the tests?” She inquired. “To those who don't know me, my name is Lupus. I'm troop leader 172. Some of you guys might be in my troop, depending on your scores.” Please Lord let that be me. “Hey, Guerilla. This year we have a lot of interesting candidates, hm?”

“Yup,” Guerilla agreed, passing Lupus the papers with our scores, “Sirens little cousin is here, right? Van AE382? I recall working with Siren. Cool guy.”

“Mhm. He was a beast on the battlefield. Let's pray his little cousin is like that.” Even I have heard of Siren. One of the Death Corps best recruits. He killed a bunch of people and showed zero remorse. He left after his term was up, however. The top generals would pay him millions if it meant he would come back. If his cousin was coming here, maybe they would be just as badass as Siren.

Lupus examined the papers, eyes widening at some. “You have some good recruits, Guerilla, but…” Lupus whispered the second part to Guerilla.

“Mmm, we're probably going to put ‘im in the clean-up crew. Scores are underwhelming compared to everyone else in the group.” Of course they're talking about Lewis. The same Lewis who was, for some reason, fast asleep. For context, it was 5:21 pm. 

Lupus and Guerilla chatted about tomorrow and sorting us into troops. I also heard something about code names. The code names they suggested for me before they actually chose my current one were bad. If I had to tell people my name was Speedy I would leave Death Corps even if it meant they would hunt me down. I'll reveal what my code name was at a later point. For now, back to Lupus.

She left our shack, taking the papers to the higher ranks. Guerilla praised us and told us we were good little children for behaving and we would get our 5 minutes of extra sleep. Are we going to have our lesson on coloring in the lines next? Are we going to learn the alphabet? Guerilla was only three years older than the oldest person in our training regiment, so her treating us like kindergarteners doesn't make much sense.

The rest of the day was pretty eh. It was just me doodling in my sketchbook and talking to the only two people I was okay with talking to.

Lights out came shortly after I had finished one of my drawings. I can barely fall asleep on normal days, so of course me being on a bed that felt like a brick made it even worse. The next day we would finally figure out who would go where for extra training based on our strengths and weaknesses. I was going to be separated from Fitz and Wren. I was going to be in a war that changed everything.

Chapter Three Point Five - Why am I Here??

I should interrupt the story with some Death Corps lore. It all started with the war for more land. Humans are selfish beings, they always want more than what they have. they were willing to do anything for some land that was discovered. That land also happened to have a bunch of resources and riches, so that made the wars much worse. The war has been going on for just about a decade now. Every army is different, but in the country I'm in, it has the infamous Death Corps. Death Corps was founded by two siblings, Shams and Qamar. Their real names are unknown, but it was founded just before the war started. At first, it was just recruiting whoever wanted to join and whoever was strong enough. Then, they started getting desperate. They needed more support. They let in whoever wanted to join. The conditions worsened, and they had to resort to forcing everyone to serve in the army.

[techno-danger]

*ummm... I saw your tag and the comment and I hope you're at a safe place now. I hope it's not too much. I apologize if this reopens old wound.*

Hey, thanks so much for the concern. I'm completely fine to talk about being kicked out. It helped me leave my toxic situation all that much easier.

Thankfully my Nana let me move in with her the same day so I'm grateful i never ended up on the streets cause that's exactly where I would've been without the help and support I have now. I've got my own increased disability pension, my support worker who's helped me since I graduated high school 3 years ago has been there for me every new milestone I achieve and even helped me get my birth certificate, id's and other important stuff of mine back. I managed to have my first paying job last year at Christmas and my old boss even asked if I wanted to come back again this year! (I am btw, gonna be taking ALL the selfies with Santa :D). I've been applying for jobs about every week but nothing has gone through yet (you would not BELIEVE how many big companies have switched over to AI Interviews its been A NIGHTMARE-) however I'll be going back to Tafe (tertiary education) to get cert 3 in Child Care and see where that might take me, hopefully down a similar line as my support worker, he's helped change my life so much and is one of my biggest heroes. In fact we're even going to Melbourne next week for the PAX convention and he's been helping get our cosplays ready (Going as Verosika Mayday and Stolas from Helluva Boss).

All this compared to when I was practically an unpaid maid in my own home and was literally told often that I don't deserve my own opinion since I was acting "childish" and "disrespectful". That the reason I was suicidal and depressed was because I was "too lazy" to do my chores when I was told to. That if I brought in the washing creased or didnt cook a UNIQUE dinner every night or forgot to wash the dishes afterwards, I hadn't earned the right to eat breakfast the next day. Heck, if I hadn't done some of my chores (cause I was literally out of the house around 9 hours a day studying for a course I BEGGED to quit), like if the clothes got creased in the basket from when my parent left them for WEEKS in their room or vacuum the floor of the entire house, I would have to pay them a "Maid Tax" of $30 (AUD) for every chore of that they did. Oh and I also didn't have any kind of allowance growing up, just a centrelink pension of about $500 a fortnight that I had no control over.

This is all stuff I had to deal with since I was about 11, and I had a lot of other trauma from my other parent when I was younger, as well as other stuff I don't want to mention. I know there are worse things people can go through but I hope no kids get stuck in the same situation I was. No one deserves to feel like they earn the right to just exist in the world. Just because they're acting like a child having a temper tantrum doesn't excuse you having to be the adult in the relationship. I'm 21 in 2 months and I've had to be way more mature than the rest of my family who are in their 60's and 70's (who KNEW how my parent treated me) just so I could mentally survive. Even if they hadn't laid hands on me for a long time, emotional abuse still counted as domestic abuse, a fact I think my parent forgot.

I am fairly certain my parent has undiagnosed BPD, my psychologist and support worker both seem to think so after seeing the messages I've received from my parent over the year, going from scathing rants to suicidal goodbyes to ignoring me for months to civilized invitations to events we both like and then back to scathing rants. I've lived with my parent for so long I understand how their thought process usually goes so I can understand where each of the actions come from but that doesn't mean I'll be excusing them anymore.

They're still my parent, the one who's loved me, raised me, fought for me, guided me and helped support me for my entire life. However, I also have to accept that they're narcissistic, manipulative and hypocritical. Just because I love them does not mean I love how I'm treated by them. I hope that anyone who's going through anything similar to this can find the help they need to get a better support system and rise above the situation you're in. Take it from someone who can't see their own future still, it DOES slowly get better as long as you have at least one person you can count on.

Seriously thanks for the ask, I've never really gotten to properly talk/write about my life before and how it's changed so much in just a year. I hope you have a great day :))

[corvidcall]

Fascinated by your sarah z hate- would love to hear more about this if you’d like to share. My experience of her is just that mediocre Homestuck vid or something she made.

lmao yeah sure i guess i can expound on it

i should preface this by saying that i dont think shes like. a bad person. and i dont have some secret knowledge of problematique things shes done that we should all Cancel her for.

tl;dr i just think her videos are really bad. she keeps making videos about stuff that i was there for and then being wrong about them, and it drives me crazy. on top of that, it just rubs me the wrong way to make your whole brand "the lady who talks about tumblr"

like, i think her homestuck video sucks (and i think its very funny that she admitted that she only spent a week making it, but ALSO got really defensive when people said she was wrong about stuff. like, i think the way whatpumpkin and andrew hussie responded to her video was Bad but also that doesnt retroactively defend the original video from being poorly researched and, in my opinion, in bad taste. it was weird to make a video where you talk about all the controversy about hs^2 not that long after the whole project got cancelled because too many of the trans women working on it were receiving daily death threats)

and i think the mcelroys video sucks (that was the last one i watched before i gave up entirely. its really long and very boring, and basically is just her listing a bunch of stuff they did that people had problems with, which essentially puts "travis was annoying on twitch" on the same level of seriousness as "taz: graduation used a lot of harmful native american stereotypes". i genuinely am not sure what the point of this video was supposed to be, because it feels like its her reading a tumblr callout post. also she was wrong about taz: amnesty. the ending WAS foreshadowed, it did NOT come out of nowhere, she just wasnt paying attention.)

but the onceler fandom video is honestly the absolute pits. i am still friends with a lot of the people that i was in the onceler fandom with, and i genuinely havent met a single former onceslut who thought her video was good, or the least bit accurate. her thesis basically boils down to that the onceler fandom was just a bunch of young teen girls projecting fantasies onto a nonthreating decently attractive fictional guy, which isnt that weird and people are only making a big thing about it because they hate teenage girls. and her conclusions arent WRONG, per say, since people DO hate teen girls and this is a thing theyre known to do... its just. thats literally not what the onceler fandom was at all?? first off, when i got into it i was 17 and i was the youngest person i knew by far. almost everyone i saw in the fandom were in their 20s, and a lot of them were not girls at all. and as far as any of US remember, the thing sustained the fandom wasnt 13 year old girls exploring their nascent sexualities, it was people using the barest pretense to make OCs, and then craft stories with and about their friends OCs. it was a really cool unique experience because it was a fandom for the things the fandom built. a lot of the people i knew had never watched the movie The Lorax at all, or didnt really care about it one way or another, but DID get really invested in the dynamic between Swag and One, or got really invested in the two big AUs the fandom had. By the time i got there, most people had kinda moved away from the canon onceler anyway, and were focused almost exclusively on the AUs (there was a high school AU and a zombie apocalypse AU, and then during the summer the high school AU blogs would do a child summer camp AU. i liked the zombie one best because i love melodrama, but the high school one was most popular). i know she was IN the onceler fandom (allegedly...) but as far as i can tell, she was just there at the very start, because it changed WILDLY even just a few months after its inception. and there's no way anyone who saw the fandom that I was actually in would make the sweeping statements about it that she did.

broadly, her videos are too unfocused and not really well-written. her one on Oppa Homeless Style was a genuinely good video!! I know she CAN do good videos!! But so many of her more fandom-focused videos dont really seem to have a thesis beyond "this happened" or maybe even "this was kinda weird right?". like what is the viewer supposed to take away from the video about the mcleroys? that they made a podcast that was really popular and then got less popular? why did that take you TWO HOURS to say? and even when she does have a strong thesis, its always muddied by the fact that she feels compelled to add in really long, boring digressions. I think the video about All or Nothing was good, and made an interesting point about how pan and ace people are really starved for meaningful rep, but i dont understand why she felt compelled to recount the entire plot of the webseries someone made? what did that contribute to the thesis? its like shes reading a wikipedia page, and not like. an actual ESSAY. that someone structured to convey a POINT.

but overall i just take umbrage with her whole "tumblr historian" shtick. i think its kind of gross to put really niche (generally woman-dominated) subcultures on display so people can come gawk at the freaks. ive heard the defense that "she IS a fandom person!! these videos are FOR fandom people!!" but 1. if its supposedly supposed to be for me and NOT an audience of people unfamiliar with the thing shes talking about, then there would be no need to spend so long explaining what everything is, and 2. i can at least say, in my own subjective experience, that i said basically all this to my sister, who told me that thats why she likes sarah z at all, because the videos let her come gawk at all the fandom freaks on tumblr. so its cool that sarah z is giving the person who bullied me my whole life (specifically because the way i engaged with media was too cringe) more reasons to bully me for being cringe. big preesh sarah. glad youre making money off of the free content all of us put out, and even more glad that youre profiting by taking all that free content and presenting it to a largely hostile and judgemental audience who already thinks im a fucking idiot. why dont you make a video about my popular hamlet post next, since you seem to make videos exclusively about things i did.

anyway if i want to watch video essays about fandom, i'll watch princess weekes, whose videos are substantive and not... idk very juvenile. not that i think there cant be more than one youtuber talking about fandom!!! its just that sarah z's videos are mid at best and actively bad at worst, so im not gonna bother.

(all that being said, i occasionally look at her blog and reblog stuff. while shes working down in the tumblr mines looking for content to steal, she does frequently find some decent posts to reblog)