#the way he frames the tough love bit didnt sit well with me

[ef-1]

Daniel did a really really really cool interview with Nailing the Apex I highly recommend™️ here are some notable bits

- Daniel said when he first got the rushed x-ray at zandvoort, he kept getting told it's a simple break. However, when he went to Spain and actually spoke to the surgeon, the surgeon told him it's an incredibly bad and complex break

- Daniel said at least knowing it was a very bad spiral break was good because he was in "A LOT of pain" and the severity of pain didn't correlate with the simple break people were assuring him he had and he's glad he's not just a wuss [insert Daniel gushing about how strong Motogp riders are and how they might not be human actually]

- A fan asked Daniel what the worst and best part of having to take a break for injury and the interviewer Tim interjects "sleeping?" But Daniel replies that he was "sleeping in pain because it hurts like hell" :((

- He concludes that there wasn't much good about his recovery period but aleast each day he saw progress

- As for the worst part: having to take a break from training because he'd been training all summer and he'd reached a "beast mode" and finally enjoying all of it

- it was "hard not to feel like a set back. But I didn't allow it to feel like a setback"

- " I feel like I had gotten big and strong [before the injury] and some of that slowly went away." bbgorl :(

-Tim: how did you and Josh Allen become mates?" Daniel: it was love at first sight 🥰

- On Josh Allen, after Daniel went on and on about how similar they are and how compelling he thinks bonding to athletes who play drastically different sports, he wraps it up with "he's a big cutie and I adore him"

- even though Daniel missed a considerable amount of time in the car and it was during a pivotal time where the car had seen big developments, in his first session back he felt immediately in-tune again 🥹

- daniel thinks if F1 should insist on having sprints then something about it has to change, he suggests opening parc ferme on Saturday so that drivers can tweak set ups

- A fan asked daniel if there is any lessons he carries all the way back from being in the RB jr program, to which he answers "tough love." He said maybe he "needed someone to kick him up the butt". He said it made him an adult a little sooner 🙃

it was a really cool interview and I highly recommend, you can tell Daniel likes and is comfortable with Tim

[remindmetohaveherdrugtested]

Once upon a time

Title: Once upon a time

Prompt: Everything seems to be going perfecrly so why do you feel the need to self harm after being 'clean' for so long? A reader insert where the reader is struggling with self harm again and Morgan helps.

Author: remindmetohaveherdrugtested

Tags: #reader insert #Derek Morgan #Comfort

Trigger warnings: #self harm #blood mention #murder/kidnap #mild swearing

Sat in the back of the SUV, you rest your head against the cool glass of the window and stare into the small gap between Derek's headrest and the cars' frame. Your eyes focused on the steering wheel, held steadily in place by his hands, before flicking back to the oncoming traffic.

Your mind wasn't really there. It was flicking between a million and one thoughts that were barely forming before the next one took over. You should be happy. You had exactly what you wanted from life; a happy little family, a job that you loved, a beautiful house and friends that you could count on. So why were you feeling so numb? Once upon a time that was all you dreamed about.

"Are we almost there?" A sleepy voice from the front broke you from your thoughts and you moved your head.

"About 10 minutes" Dereks steady voice answered, not taking his eyes off the road. "I wouldn't go back to sleep if I were you".

You watched him glance quickly at Spence beside him who looked like he was about to fall back asleep at any moment. It was 2am and the case was quite urgent according to Hotch and Garcia. Derek had swung by to pick you and Reid up as neither of you drove and the rest of the team wouldnt be long.

It wasnt long until the SUV was pulled up beside the rest of the team who were just starting to grab their go bags from another SUV to board the jet. Quickly stretching, you hopped out of the car and went to the boot to pull out your black bag and sling it across your shoulders. "We good to go? I need to get some serious sleep before we land" You asked, forcing a tiny smile at the rest of them. You barely waited for Hotch to nod before you were walking up the steps to the door and entering the cabin.

Immediately you slung your bag into the overhead bin and then settled yourself onto the sofa out of the way, watching as the rest of the team joined you. Each member put their bags away before settling down in a chair. It wasnt long until the jet was airborne but you knew you wouldnt land for a couple of hours and it would be a half an hour drive to the hotel.

"I'll let you all get some sleep shortly. We're headed to Texas" You knew that already from the call that Garcia had made earlier. "We think we have a cold case re-emerging. 10 years ago 2 brown haired, blue eyed and low risk women went missing. 5 years later their bodies were found having only died recently. 5 days later 2 more victims went missing and their bodies have just shown up. If the unsub sticks to their schedule the next two victims will go missing in 5 days and we will loose the trail again. The victims both looked to be kept in relatively good condition, cause of death was a single stab wound through the heart. Crime scence photos are on your tablets to have a look at and then you should try to get some rest" Hotch finished.

-------------------------------------------------------

It was 7pm and Hotch had sent everyone back to the hotel for the night. You stood in the onsuite bathroom and stripped quickly to shower. As you got out you caught a glimpse of your arms in the mirror. Thin silvery lines marred them and although the last time you had cut yourself deliberately was years ago the lines had not fully faded yet. Your fingers traced them slowly. You weren't proud of it and no one else on the team knew about that part of your life. The familiar urge took hold of your chest. It was a deep and sinking feeling. Like you couldnt breathe. You knew that harming yourself would get rid of the feeling. It would allow you to feel anything other than the numbness that had taken over recently. Usually you were able to push away the urges, breathe through them and distract yourself but today was just different. You were tired of pushing them away and you just wanted it to go away.

Almost in a trance your fingers had found a razor and was removing the blades from it. It was like you were watching someone else draw on your skin. Watching blood trickling down your arms, as if it were rain on the windows. The pain was fresh. It felt good to be able to feel anything other than that pressing feeling on your chest and numbness.

The second the razor touched the side new feelings rushed through you. Guilt. Panic. Anger. How could you give in after so many years of being clean? How would you hide this? Why did you even feel this way when every part of your life was, by definition, perfect.

"Shit. Shit. Shit"

You spun around and shoved your arm into the shower, wincing as the running water touched the fresh wounds and watching as it took away the blood.

Pulling the towel back around you quickly, you walked quickly back into the room and rumaged in your bag to pull out some bandages you kept in there for minor injuries in the field. As you pulled the bandages out there was a loud thud as your bag fell to the floor onto your foot and you swore loudly but didn't pick it up.

With experienced hands you started bandaging your arm up. You'd banaged injuries up all the time in the field but this being from yourself made you feel a wave of guilt again.

The silence in the room was broken by a few raps on the door.

"Uh yeah?" You called trying to quickly pin the bandage in place.

"You alright? I heard some thuds and swearing" Dereks deep voice came through the door.

"Oh, uh ,yeah. Just dropped my go bag on my foot" You tried to laugh it off but something in your voice must've given you away because a moment later the door cracked open.

"Are you sure Y/N?" Dereks voice was clearer with the door cracked.

"Yeah yeah, it'll just a little bruise" You said, rushing to pull the towel around yourself so that he didnt see everything. You closed your eyes and sighed as you realised you had answered too quickly and your voice had cracked.

The door opened slowly before softly shutting. "Whats wrong? You've seemed a bit off all day. Did something else happen?" He paused, his eyes glancing over you and resting on your bandaged arm which was trying to help keep your towel in place. "Y/N?" His voice trailed off and he walked quickly over to you "What happened?"

"I happened" You muttered, turning away and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"You happened? What did you do?" Derek half laughed, clearly expecting you to have fallen or walked into something. His eyes narrowed as you didn't reply. "Y/N?"

You felt the slow burning prickle behind your eyes and felt a tear roll down your cheek. "Nothing" You snapped and turned. "I-uh-Sorry, Im just tired and was a bit clumsy"

You felt a soft hand touch your shoulder. "Doesn't seem like nothing. Why don't you get dressed and we'll talk about it?"

Your hand clenched around the towel as you became painfully aware that you were still naked with nothing but a towel around you. You nodded but said nothing as you got up and grabbed the pyjamas that were at the foot of the bed and walked quickly into the bathroom. Your eyes caught site of the bloody blade lying in the sink and you fought a wave of sickness that arose from it. Quickly pulling on your pyjamas, you turned the tap on to wash the blood away and the dropped the blade out of sight. You didn't need more temptation.

Re-emerging from the bathroom you saw Derek had moved your bag onto the chair and had perched himself on the end of the bed. You walked around him and on the side of the bed.

"So are you going to tell me what happened?" Derek slowly turned around to look at you although you determinedly avoided his gaze.

"Lapse of judgement" You muttered. It wasnt a lie but it wasn't the most straightforward answer. It didn't deter Derek.

"You can talk to me you know. I won't tell anyone and I might be able to help."

You laughed. It was cold and seemed hollow even to you. "If I knew do you think Id be in this mess."

The bed moved and you looked up as Derek sat beside you and slowly wrapped his arms around you. It seemed to break some dam inside you that you had been holding back since he had knocked on your door and tears began to stream down your face.

"I didn't mean to" You whispered. "I haven't in so many years. I was doing well but I just lost my focus. It wont happen again. Please don't tell the others"

Derek pulled you in closer and you turned to press your face into his chest. His heartbeat was comforting. "If you don't want me to tell anyone then I won't" He said simply.

"Im just so numb and it just happened and I just wanted to feel something again. I don't know why because everything is perfect so I dont have a reason to feel like this and why should I have any reason to do that" You rambled coming to a halt with a look of disgust on your face.

"These things happen. It can happen to anyone" Derek soothed. "This line of work is tough, even on the strongest of us. And these feelings can hit anyone. Even those who think everything they have is perfect. Theyre normal"

More sobs racked you body, getting stronger and stronger. It was like you lost all control. "Please" you sobbed. "I just want to feel something. Help me feel something"

Derek pulled you up the bed and pulled you into his chest. "You had a slip. Everyone has relapses. It doesnt mean anything. You'll get through this. I'll be there for you. Always"

You had no more words to say, what else was there to say? Instead you buried your face in his chest and continued to sob until you felt tiredness overcome you and let it take you off into nothingness.

When you woke up, Derek was gone. At the bottom of the bed you saw a pile of fresh bandages, a small tube of antiseptic cream and a note. Picking up the note, you quickly read through it.

"Baby girl,

Once upon a time is the start of a story. You have to keep fighting to see the end."

[pinkykitten]

i am shy

Avatar The Last Airbender 

Sokka x shy! female reader

Warning: shynessssssssssss

Specifics: fluff, comedy, romance, one-shot, race neutral reader

People: sokka, katara, aang, toph 

Words: 1,271

Requested: By anon Hello! At first: You have the most talented writing Style i've ever read! Really the way you describe the feelings of the Persons are so unique - I'm in Love ♡~♡ When I look at your Story's, looks mine like a Kindergarten Child has write it's first Story lol😂 You've said you want Request, so here am I: How about a ATLA Sokka x Shy Reader ? ( I miss your ATLA One Shots) Thank's for reading Dear♡

Authors Note: first off thank you again dear for your lovely comment it means the world to me when you guys say such sweet things about me or my writing. but remember fam to practice, i still practice cuz ur girl still needs to improve. if you practice read a lot u will become successful and have faith in urself, dont belittle ur work and dont give up. also if u guys would like to send me some of ur work through the submit button or wherever else i would love to read them and see where i could help out what i love that type of stuff advice. also with this story i didnt rlly know how to end it so im sorry. 

As you walked around town you enjoyed all the different things. The food, items, the people, but most importantly you liked the clothes. Unfortunately, you were too shy to converse with anyone, just watching from afar the way humans interacted. Whenever you felt you had to speak to a stranger your heart started to pound furiously. 

You were willing to leave the busy atmosphere when the rest of your friends arrived. 

“Hey y/n,” Aang said, putting his hands behind his head, clearly relaxed and having a break day. 

You only waved as the rest said their hellos. Growing up you wondered if you were always liked this. Life just changes a person and to your knowledge it changed you for the worse. 

Sokka could point out when you were about to curl up and shy away but when you were with Sokka things were different. You felt free to be yourself, to express yourself wholeheartedly. Sometimes you would catch yourself leaning further and further away from shyness and just having a fun time. 

“H-h-hi Sokka,” you said almost as a whisper. Sokka smiled knowing you were trying your hardest. He motioned over to you and placed an arm around your back. You almost had a heart attack! Sokka knew about your shyness yet he chose to do that, in public! Your eyes shot wide open as you walked awkwardly in that position. 

You all scanned the area, hitting all the stores. Eating whatever, doing whatever until your group ended at the store you really wanted to go in. 

“I hate dressing up,” Toph complained and Sokka glared at her as he turned his head. 

“Really? I love all the outfits and dresses, like look at that one,” Katara pointed to a pink dress with beautiful beading. Aang looked at the attire and then at Katara and nearly almost fainted at the image he processed in his head. 

“Man down!” Sokka shouted as he caught Aang. 

“Y/n do you want to go here?” Katara asked as she hooked her arm with yours. You looked again to the ground and shrugged. You hated when you did that. Katara was your friend, she actually cared for you and she was one of the few people who were there for you during tough times. 

“You know you can always tell me.”

You bit your lip, “you’re ri-right, I can tell you. If you want to go here I am fine with that. Its up to you.”

Katara didn’t know if to take your answer as a yes or no. Sokka saw though your face, the way you smiled and the way your eyes lit up when you saw the store in view. He knew that you wanted to go. 

“C’mon y/n, why don’t me and you go together.”

Katara snorted a laugh, covering her face.

“What? You don’t think I can last in a clothing shop?” Whined Sokka as he flailed his arms around. 

“I’m sorry Sokka its just, I would never think you were the one to want to go into a store badly.”

Sokka looked at you and could see you were giggling but covering your smile with your hand. “Well if y/n wants to go, which I know she does, then I will sacrifice my man hood and go.”

Toph scoffed and muttered, “you mean your boy hood?”

“C’mon,” Sokka grabbed onto your hand and guided you in. 

“Have fun you two,” Aang shouted. 

Sokka stood in the middle of the store, pathetically. He didn’t think this far through. Sweat was practically dripping down his face and back. 

“Why am I so sweaty?” He thought as he wiped his forehead. Was it because he was with you? AND YOU BOTH WERE STILL HOLDING HANDS!

Sokka let his hand unlace with yours so quick you thought there was a bug or something. “Sorry, I forgot to-”

Without a word you took his hand and laced it with yours again. Sokka knew this was tough for you and yet you did it. He almost died as you did that. “Oh...okay.”

“Le-lets look over here,” you took him to the dresses and picked out a few that you absolutely adored. Sokka stared at you lovingly the whole time and even offered to hold your outfits. “I am going to try them on now.”

“Sure!” Sokka followed you and sat on the chair in front of the changing room. The other women gave him a look of disgust as he was sitting where girls change, but oh well anything for you. 

The first dress you tried on was orange. You looked at your reflection as you twirled. 

“What do you think? Can I see?”

“...I hate it,” you gave a gloom face in the mirror. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah but I want to see it...still,” Sokka persisted. 

You froze up and tried to find a way out. You were too shy, but shy for what? To show him the outfit? You had no clue. 

“Y/n I’ll still think you look beautiful even if you wore a dumpling sack.”

He left the decision open for you, if you wanted to show him you knew how. Time passed by and Sokka thought you changed your mind but you quickly opened the door. In his eyes you looked like a goddess.

“Y-y/n you look-”

“Terrible...I hate this color on me. Onto the next.” You closed the door softly as Sokka waited again. 

Next you tried on a dark green dress, you liked the color but not the style of the dress. “This one makes me look like a-”

“Yes?”

You swallowed and prepared for the shyness, “a...booger.”

You could hear Sokka laughing outside and you giggled yourself. You loved to make not just anyone laugh but Sokka. You opened the door and awkwardly posed for him. 

“A booger, hah! You are the most prettiest booger if you ask me! Now if Katara wore that, she would definitely look like a disgusting, moldy booger.”

You shook your head and chuckled, “your poor sister. I’m going to try on this last one.”

You poured a silky dark blue dress onto your body. It fit perfectly, snug but not too much. The color was captivating, there were some beading on the top only but the rest fell down like a waterfall. It reminded you of where Sokka was from. Feeling less shy you opened the door swiftly. “What do you think about this one Sokka?”

Sokka almost chocked in seeing you like that. “Y/n, you look-” He was captivated by your beauty. You looked almost unreal to him. What made the dress more special it reminded him of a dress his mother used to wear. “Y/n,” he stood up and leaned against the door frame, only a few inches away from you. “Y/n, you look so beautiful.”

You almost exploded! He was so close and his ice blue eyes were closing and he was leaning closer. You wanted to so badly kiss him back, kiss him until your lips fell off but you were too shy. You backed away but Sokka held onto you and crashed his lips onto yours. You shrieked but then you placed your hands on his hair, deepening the kiss. Sokka kissed you like his life depended on it, that he needed your kisses for air. 

You two separated and he breathed harshly with you. He realized that you were again shy and profusely started apologizing. 

You placed a finger against his lips and for once said a sentence without a whisper, “its okay Sokka. That was the best moment in my life. I’ve always wanted to kiss you.” 

Tag list: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @hyehoney, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @creamy-pasta-boi, @multireese, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @andreaoreas, @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople, @collectiveyou, @wtfisalltherandoms, @fangirl-4-life415, @dirbel, @eastcoasthaven

wanna be tagged in my crap? comment!

[coveredinsweetpea]

Dazed and Confused 1.b || Jordan Connor

Ok, so, I've been a hoe these past few weeks and I didn't write, but I'm back now. To read this, all you need to know is that Y/n plays Megan in Riverdale and that she and Jordan are super close friends.

I'm naming this part 1.b because I didn't wanna jump right into the story after not posting for so long. Part 2 is coming, feedback and ideas make my day!! Love you, hope you enjoy!

Also, part 1 is here.

-

The next day on set went by without a hiccup. You had close to 10 lines to deliver, all in just one scene, where the serpents got together to plan their next move. Jordan, dressed in his usual dark leather jacket, flannel shirt and tight jeans, was leaning against his bike as you were all getting ready to start filming.

You made you way towards him, and he circled his arms around your waist instinctively. As much as you loved this, you knew he was in character and that it was actually Sweet Pea hugging Megan and not Jordan hugging you.

"I can't wait for tonight" he sighed rubbing your side with his left hand as the scrolled through his phone with the other.

"What?" you giggled, placing your pointer finger under his chin and prompting him to look up at you, "Since when do you care about Hollywood parties, old man? Thought you hated them."

"Old man?" he asked in disbelief, "Old man?!"

"Cute old man" you laughed

"That's slightly better" he mumbled, locking his phone and shoving it in his pocket so he could wrap both his arms around you again, "- Just slightly"

You looked at him amused, "I'm glad, but tell me about your sudden interest in this party"

"I just wanna see KJ go crazy after Kendall, that's all" he joked.

You hummed sarcastically, but before you got a chance to answer, every one was called to their spots in order for the cameras to start rolling. You settled against his side and seconds later you heard the familiar voice yell 'Action'.

You knew this wasn't going to be easily done, because today you were filming a scene where more than 10 people were involved, and you can't actually remember the last time you all acted like the professional actors you were. Unless the deadline was rapidly approaching, days on set were a blast. If you were behind schedule, it was one of the most dreadful experiences of your life. You were amongst the people that opened the scene, and after getting that done, you were just seated in the back, more like an extra.

A few seconds later, you heard 'Action' being called and got in your character. From now on, there was no more Jordan and (Y/n), just Sweet Pea and Megan in a situation you were more than fond of. The scene was set to open with a close up shot of yours and Jordan's characters making out, before it would move and concentrate on the discussion that was previously held at the bar.

As his hands pressed flush against your waist, your body crushed against Jordan's as you grabbed his cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss. It was slow at the beginning, but second by second, his touch would get more and more aggravated, making you push back with the same force. You felt his hand travel lower, moving from clutching your t-shirt to forcefully gripping your hips. Even though you knew it was all scripted, it made your heart flutter like nothing else. You moved your hands to the sides of his neck, allowing your thumbs to run back and forth along his jaw. From this position you could feel his muscles tense as he breathed heavily every time he got the chance.

You had no idea how long it had been, but you knew Fangs clearing his throat was a sign for you to slow down. And you did. You let your hold loosen up and pulled Sweet Pea's bottom lip between yours for a long second, before letting go completely. Toni and Fangs joined the conversation, FP and Jughead appeared a little bit later, and the rest of the serpent gang was about show up too.

The next few hours flew by pretty fast, and before you knew it, you were seated across from Anne, who was one of the serpent extras and your first friends on set, and between Vanessa and Jordan at the lunch table, uncontrollably giggling at something one of them said.

"That's not ok" you whined, eating your fries one by one.

"What do you mean - not ok?" Jordan joked, throwing an arm over your shoulders, "Wouldn't you want your boyfriend to arrange your marriage after 3 months of dating?"

"Would you?" you laughed, turning to look at him with a proud smile on your lips.

"Would you?" he repeated your question.

"I literally just asked that" you said.

"Arrange our marriage?" he completed and despite knowing he was joking, only the thought of dating him, set your heart and cheeks on fire.

"About marriages-" Vanessa spoke, pulling you out of your thoughts, "How's Jax?"

"He's fine, he's good" you mumbled, trying to hide the fact that you hadn't spoken to him in weeks. You hated that you couldn't tell anyone that there wasn't anything serious between the two of you, and seeing Jordan pull away from you as he heard your boyfriends name, broke your heart.

"Is he coming tonight?" he asked, digging into his plate of food in order to avoid the eye contact.

"I-" you began to answer but then stopped, realising you actually had no idea whether he was going to join you or not, "- I don't know"

"Either way, you're coming over before right?" Vanessa asked.

You just nodded and then watched her stand up, and excuse herself before making her way to her trailer. You were left alone with Jordan, who seemed, all of a sudden, awfully quiet.

"Hey-" you said, throwing your legs over his' and leaning against his side, "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing" he said in an unusually low voice. You've heard that tone before, but not from him. He was putting on a tough facade, the one you had gotten used to from Sweet Pea.

"Do you wanna match tonight?"

"What do you mean?"

"Put on your Helsinki shirt" you said smiling, trying to make it obvious you were more interested in him attending that party than Jax.

"You really think that's a good idea?" he asked sceptical, as he looked at you over his shoulder.

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know, (Y/n)" he sighed playfully, turning to face you, "It's a fancy party, you think a T-shirt will cut it?". You knew that wasn't his main concert and hated how he was beating around the bush.

"Tuck it in your pants and roll up the sleeves a bit" you said happily.

"You want to also tell me how to do my hair and makeup?" he joked.

"Green would look good on-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there" he laughed preparing to stand up. He extended his hand and you took it, without even asking where he was heading. "Come with me, gotta reapply this beauty" he said pointing to his make-up based black eye.

He sat down in the make-up trailer and you leaned against the table in front of him as a pair of delicate hands worked on getting him ready to rejoin the set.

"Smile" you said, pulling out your phone and snapping a short boomerang of Jordan having make-up applied to his face.

"I hope that's a picture solely for your pleasure, and that it won't actually end up anywhere" he growled, rolling his eyes.

"Yeaaah" you mumbled, "It's on Instagram"

Mary, the make-up artist let out a small chuckle and Jordan didn't waste a second before sending her one of Sweet Pea's signature death stares.

The touch up process took a few more minutes and after she was done, and after warning Jordan about messing up his make up again, Mary left, leaving you two alone.

"I think I'm gonna head home" you said, preparing to stand up, as your scenes for the day were all done.

"Ok, but after we start filming" he whined and grabbed your hand to stop you from leaving, "Just like 10 more minutes"

"Fine" you giggled, moving to sit between his legs. He pulled the chair back, making space for you, but instead of settling against the table as you did before, now you just sat down in his lap, "Wanna come over tonight, too?" you asked, looking around his trailer for a second before meeting his hesitant stare.

"Don't think that's a good idea" he responded apologetically.

"Well, do you want to?"

"Of course I do" he chuckled, "But-"

"Then you're coming" you cut him off, smiling broadly, seeing his face light up as you insisted.

"Why are you like this?"

"Like what?" you played, nudging the top of his nose with your own. Despite having your heart on fire, this time you didn't feel like holding back. At all.

His lack of response threw you off, so you just grabbed his cheeks and applied a soft kiss to the top of his cheekbone. His face was an intoxicating shade of pink, and feeling his breath against your lips or seeing the way his chest rose and fell against yours, didn't help your self control at all. Jordan wrapped his arms around your waist, and your fingers made their way up into his raven locks. His hold kept tightening around your frame as you kept brushing your lips along his forehead and down his temple. Clenching your fingers in his hair, you tilted his head back, exposing the skin of his neck. You traced his tattoo as you watched him pant under your weight.

"I love this" you said, scratching his skin as you got ready to attach your lips to his neck, when a loud bang against the door made you jump out of his hold.

"Five minutes, J" someone yelled, before walking away.

"What the fuck" you huffed, "I almost had a heart attack"

"Yeah me too" he mumbled half heartedly, as he grabbed the serpent jacket and made his way to the door, "Gotta go to the bathroom, see you tonight bye"

He stormed out of his trailer so fast you didn't even have the time to say goodbye too. You remained motionless for a few moments, looking around and allowing your mind to roam. He didn't kiss you and that could mean something, but you didnt either and god, you wanted to do it so bad. The more you thought about it, the more confusing it got, so you decided to head right home, and get a bottle of wine to help you solve the problem.

On your way out, you decided to walk past the set, and catch another glimpse of your friends working. You stopped behind a camera man and watched Jordan for a short while until a 2 minute break was requested. He didn't leave the chair he was seated on, but he did spot you over Drew's shoulder. He looked directly into your eyes and smiled proudly, releasing all the tension your lungs had built up. He wasn't mad, and you couldn't be happier.

"I think i like him" a female voice said

"Excuse me" you cleared your voice, turning into the direction of the person that just spoke up, "What?" you asked, as her words seemed to fly right past you. When your eyes landed on her, you realised it was Anne.

"I think I like him" she repeated.

"Who?"

"Jordan" she said with a deep sigh, "And I think he likes me too"

-

Tag list. (sorry i am months late, you probably have no idea what this is) @irishfangirlxx @sweetpeaiscomingforu ​ @taronxfiction ​ @sinfulmango ​

[lemondoodledee]

Reaching For You

I found some old sketches that reminded me of a comic I wanted to do for Cordelia and Mercury from @mortalheroseries so I figured that I might as well type it out before I forget. Sorry if it sucks, I haven’t written in a very long time. (WARNING: cursing, injuries, possibility of ooc characters, along with bad punctuation and structure) (finished edit: gosh this was a mess so beware)

Cordelia liked to think that she was smarter than the average person. She had gotten good grades and survived this long, so she obviously wasn’t a complete idiot. Yet still, here she sat, in the office of her patron, for once not there to do his paperwork. No, now she sat in a chair opposite his, its cold wood and hard cushioning burning at her skin, and it was all because she lost her temper.

She cursed under her breath. Cordelia was so, so stupid. And now she had to face her patron for it.

“As the patron of this... this delinquent, I expect you to take responsibility for her actions and act accordingly.” A man stood next to Cordelia, crossing his arms as he huffed in fury.

Mercury’s eyes scanned over the two, taking in their injuries. The outsider’s face was swollen and bleeding, accompanied by a huge bump at his temple, which he held as he grunted out his demands. Cordelia, on the other hand, seemed relatively untouched, sporting only a blackened eye and a busted lip as any evidence of the skirmish which had recently occurred. Behind the two, positioned to guard the doorway, were a man and a woman in uniforms similar to that of the injured man.

Despite the glares sent her way, Cordelia’s head was held high, posture stiff, and face stony with a guarded look in her eyes, yet Mercury was still able to notice how her fist clenched at her gut a little too tightly to brush off as normal. He knew his hero, and collected as she was, if there was anyone who could see past her act of indifference, it was him. Now, as he looked closer, her frame trembled ever so slightly, struggling to support her confident facade.

The god sighed, and fixed the two with an annoyed expression. He hated having to deal with work, sitting in a stiff chair as opposed to the lap of his hero.

Honestly, he needed her to be the responsible one who dragged him out of shit, not the other way around.

“Well,” he started, “I’d like to know what the hell happened before I do anything about this.”

The man huffed, before pointing his finger at Cordelia.

“Your supposed hero assaulted me! That’s what happened.” He paused, coughing, “You see this bump? I got this when she threw her gun at me!”

Mercury turned to Cordelia, waiting for a rebuttal, but received only a blank stare in return.

Well if his hero wasn’t going to defend herself, there wasn’t much he could do except prod further.

“I find it hard to believe that my sunshine would ever attack a perfectly innocent person out of nowhere, especially if she knew that I would have to deal with it, so I’m going to need you to be specific as to what she did and why she might have done it.” Mercury emphasized his hero’s nickname, giving the man who had broken his peace a smirk, as if he was daring him to go against his precious hero.

The man stiffened, if only for a moment, but met the god with a haughty look, confidently stating, “I was minding my own business with my buddies when she happened to pass by. I greeted her and made a passing joke as she walked by. I was just trying to lighten up the mood, but before I knew it, she had pounced on me. I was still reeling from the shock of her flipping out that I didnt have enough time to dodge. Without thinking I defended myself and started hitting back.”

Mercury narrowed his eyes, leaning back in his chair.

“What could you even say to get my sunshine to attack you? As far as I know, something like this would never happen.”

The man scoffed, eyes rolling as her peered at Cordelia.

“Well,” he began, “I certainly didn’t say anything worthy of this-“ he motioned at his bloody face to emphasize the point, “All I did was ask if she was having a tough day, and my friends can vouch for that”

Mercury leaned to the side, looking at the man and woman who stood at the doorway. Remembering the strange sight of the two dragging Cordelia through his door minutes ago, he gave them a questioning stare, silently asking for confirmation.

“It’s true.” They grunted in unison, giving Cordelia dirty looks.

“Well you’re going to have to forgive me for being a bit doubtful, but do you have any other witnesses?” Mercury smiled at them coldly, “it’s just that it seems a bit skewed in your favor, what with your only present witnesses being your friends.”

“Alexander was there.” This time the woman spoke, stepping forward to address the god. “He had been coming over to practice when it happened.”

“Well then why isn’t he here? Mr. Perfect doesn’t seem the type to walk away from a fight being the chivalrous ass he is.” Mercury was now beyond skeptical, knowing that his hero’s fucking shield of all people wouldn’t abandon her.

“She told him to go get her brother and that she had everything ‘handled.’” The man in the back answered next.

“Why the FUCK would he need to get Caleb?”

If Cordelia was really going to get into a fight, couldn’t she at least handle it herself???

“I think your hero’s the only one that could answer that.”

“Well,” Mercury turned towards said female, “care to explain?”

Just as Cordelia was about to speak, Alexander burst through the door, panting as he looked towards the shocked group. His cheeks flushed, realizing his abrupt entrance.

“Uh... sorry.” His eyes shifted towards Cordelia, “I... um.. I got Caleb like you asked. He’s with Taylor right now.”

“Well Arthur-“ Mercury started,

“Alexander” the blond corrected.

“Ugh whatever... Well, ALEXANDER,” The god continued, annoyed. “What exactly happened between my sunshine and these three?”

“I had been on my way to train when I passed by these four. I heard one of them ask Cordelia something about her day, and a few moments later I heard screaming. When I turned around, she was on him and the other two were trying to pull her off. Just as I was about to run in to break off the fighting, she yelled at me to go get Caleb. Naturally I was hesitant, but they had already almost subdued her, and I trusted my seniors to take care of the situation.” Alexander then turned back to Cordelia with a guilty look, “I’m sorry Cordelia, I want to believe that there was something more to what happened, but I won’t lie about what I saw.”

Cordelia seemed unmoved, with no hint of anger in her eyes, and merely nodded.

“As much as I’ve loved this drama, I’d really like to get back to my nap, so what do you say Sunshine? Anything you’d like to add on?”

Cordelia didn’t meet her patron’s eyes, instead opting to focus on the wall just behind him.

“He said something else.”

Simple, blunt, and annoyingly vague. Mercury groaned in exasperation.

He was a god, not a babysitter.

“Well sunshine, I kind of need to know what he said.” His smile didn’t reach his eyes this time. Even Mercury had his limits when it came to bullshit.

“When I didn’t reply he cursed at me under his breath and insulted my brother.”

Mercury turned to the others in the room.

“Is this true? Thunder boy, did you hear this?”

“Um,” Alexander hesitated, “well I didn’t hear it, but... I can’t be sure he never said it...” Though the boy had tried to assist his friend, Mercury could already see his doubt instantly crushing any attempt at help.

“We didn’t hear him say that, and we were there next to him.” Both friends said, looking towards the god.

“I’d hate to say it but are you sure he said that Sunshine? So far three of your seniors along with your one companion have all vouched for the same story, and it’s not looking good for you. Why should I believe you?” Mercury leaned forward, propping his elbows on his desk as he gave Cordelia one last chance at clearing her name.

“You shouldn’t,” she whispered.

“Wait what?” Out of all the possible responses, Mercury had not been expecting this.

“You have no reason to believe me.” Cordelia repeated, “You’ve known me for a short amount of time so my word against three seniors is meaningless. My own companion can’t vouch for me, and I have no evidence other than the memory of what this man had said to me. Logic dictates that I shouldn’t be believed, so do what you will. I know anything I have to say will not hold any merit to you, so what’s the point of fighting the inevitable? I’ll get punished no matter what I do.” Her shoulders sagged ever so slightly, defeat entering her body as her eyes clouded with resignation.

Mercury stilled, a look of contemplation entering his face. Everything she said was logical enough in regards to who seemed to be the believable one, and any normal person would agree.

But this was Mercury, and for all he cared logic could go fuck itself.

He knew his sunshine wasn’t guilty, and the proof was sitting in front of him.

“I believe you.” He stated as simply as if he were reciting a basic fact.

“Excuse me?” Now it was Cordelia’s turn to be confused.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. This never happened.

“I saaaaaiiid I believe you sunshine. Honestly I’m offended you have such little faith in your god.” Mercury exclaimed holding his hand to his chest in mock hurt, “However, I do need to know what he said to get my sunshine so grumpy!”

As this exchange went on, the rest of the occupants stared in shock. The injured man finally spoke up,

“That doesn’t make any sense! She even admitted to not being trustworthy! That girl might be your hero but that doesn’t mean she can get special treatment.”

“Okay, number one: shut the fuck up. Number two: I’m a god and I’ll do whatever the fuck I want without having to deal with a lesser being bitching about it. And finally, number three: I know there’s more to this story and I won’t punish my hero for nothing.” Mercury turned back to his still silent hero, “Hey sunshine, it’s kind of hard to defend you when you aren’t defending yourself.”

Silence... and then-

“Get off your high horse you brother-fucking-bitch. Is that little cunt the reason why you’re acting like a haughty piece of shit, or is it because you also fuck your patron?”

Everyone in the room quieted as Cordelia’s voice rose. It took Mercury a second to process what came out of his hero’s mouth, before a cold chill swept through his body into the room. The three accusers were quiet... too quiet, and the god did not miss the recognition that flared in their eyes.

“...Cordelia, what did you say? I... I think I might have misheard you.” Alexander was completely dumbfounded, looking at his friend in surprise, yet no doubt nor recognition occupied his eyes, only genuine confusion.

“He insulted both my brother and my patron under his breath when I didn’t say anything, so you wouldn’t have heard him from where you were. This wasn’t the first time he’s harassed me, so I at first ignored him. But I just couldn’t control myself when he said those things and I punched him before he started attacking me with his friend’s help. I was scared one of them would go for Caleb so I managed to get up and tell you to go find him before they overtook me.”

The god had been observing Cordelia as she spoke, and unlike the other three involved, her gaze was clear of lies and she spoke without hesitance or fear.

This girl was telling the truth.

“Well I think that settles it. You three are full of bullshit, Mr.Shield has no idea what the fuck is going on, and my sunshine is the only victim here. Now, let’s get to the punishment-“ but before Mercury could get to his next point, he noticed his hero with her head down shaking.

“... Actually, let’s take a break for now. Alex, watch these three and bring them outside for a bit while I decide what to do with them.” Mercury’s smile was anything but pleasant, and all four people exiting felt a harsh gust of wind push them from the room.

“Now that those idiots are gone, maybe you can help me decide what to do with them? Caleb seems like the type of kid to ask for a pony for Christmas. Maybe the little squirt would like to ride his own human-centipede!” Mercury’s attempt to lighten up the mood failed horribly as no answer came. “...Okay, maybe the centipede was a bad idea. Ooh I know! We’ll make them eat peppers until they barf. Too messy? Well maybe-“

But before Mercury could finish his train of thought, he heard something coming from his hero.

...Was... was she crying?

Mercury turned himself towards the girl, and sure enough she was curled up in her chair, knees pulled up as her arms wrapped around herself.

“Why didn’t you believe me?”

The words echoed in her head, shaking and distorting as Cordelia was once again a child. She was young, so very young, yet there she sat, curled around her brother who sobbed in pain, with a look of pure despair, making her seem so much older than she already was. Her father hung outside the car door, hand still in the air after his failed attempt to reconnect ended only with his children flinching away from his touch as if it were an iron brand. He sighed, defeated, before looking at his daughter.

“I don’t know.”

That wasn’t an answer, and they both knew it.

“I don’t know” didn’t heal the scars covering his children.

“I don’t know” didn’t stop his youngest from screaming in fear.

“I don’t know” didn’t prevent his eldest from looking at him with more than just fear in her eyes.

The tears that poured down, drowning her as her breathing shallowed, did not stop. They covered her, mixing with the rain, dirt, and blood. Staining her skin, and branding her with the undeniable fact that her father wasn’t there for her when he should have been.

He was never there, and he would never be there.

While her father’s failure smothered her on the outside, the void of her mother’s absence consumed her from within.

At least her father had rejected her face-to-face.

Her mother didn’t even have the nerve to look her in the eye, rejecting her the only way she knew how to, by leaving her there, cold, alone, and confused.

Cordelia collapsed into herself, unable to hold the weight of the world any longer.

Cordelia was alone. She always would be.

And tonight had been the last piece of evidence that she needed. The final brick to seal the void which she left inside herself.

“You didn’t believe me.”

“You didn’t believe me.”

“You didn’t believe me.”

“You didn’t believe me.”

“You didn’t believe me.”

“Y O U D I D N ‘ T B E L I E V E M E.”

She screamed into the void, yet no answer came.

And as she screamed, her voice grew coarse, until it finally died. Sound evaded her, her mouth opening, yet nothing coming out. But soon she learned it was for the best, for what was the point of reaching out when all those who noticed shrank away? There was no need to yearn for words that would never come.

“I believe you.”

So simple, so direct, yet so foreign to the girl. She flinched, gazing up only to be met by the mischievous eyes of her patron.

That was right, it was a joke. It was always a joke when Mercury was involved.

Yet, as he stared back, Cordelia saw no lies in his clear gaze. All that sat there was trust, a look exclusively given to her by her brother and no one else. Yet here she was, looking into the eyes of someone who wasn’t afraid to look back.

Those three single words burned into her memory, unforgettable in their sincerity.

For the first time in twenty years, the void spoke back. It reached for her. Begging for her to reach back.

And she did.

Mercury hovered over his hero, confusion turning to complete internal panic.

Cordelia didn’t cry. She never cried.

Did he do something wrong? Maybe she was holding back her pain from the injuries during their whole confrontation. Oh gods when he got his hands on those little-

“You believed me.”

He froze, the sound of crying gone once again, as he looked down to see Cordelia staring straight ahead, a look of confusion, mixed with doubt evident on her face.

“... Of course I did, they were obviously lying.”

Mercury instantly flinched, his mask of indifference wavering as he saw a heartbroken look covering Cordelia’s features once again.

Stupid, stupid, stupid-

“Oh... I see.” Her mouth curled into a twisted smile, “My apologies, I was being foolish.”

“No wait-“ the god started, silently cursing himself for being so thoughtless, “I would have believed you anyway sunshine!”

“But... why? Why would you believe me? Why would you place your trust in someone you barely know?” She shook now, anger emerging to harden her softened heart. She was being too weak, too eager, too trusting with the trickster god and she knew it. “What do you really want Mercury?”

“Cordelia.”

Cordelia froze, her name spoken so concisely by her patron as he gave her a serious look. Their gray eyes connected, creating an unspoken link between the two.

The god leaned in, and, if only for a moment, his stare faltered, concern flashing in his eyes, and a mysterious melancholy clouding his vision.

“...My dear hero, I have known you for a short amount of time, and the moment I held you in my arms I treasured you. I treasured you for the power and chaos you held within you. For the benefits your mere presence offered, and the chance bestowed upon me. I saw you as a stepping stone. And yet-“ his mask fell and pure anguish washed his features, “And yet you proved me wrong. My lovely hero, you were so much more than what that stone indicated. You were true and much more worthy of whatever this hellish realm had to offer you. My hero, my Cordelia, you are good, I know you are. And you deserve only good in return.”

“...” Cordelia shuddered, before collapsing onto her patron as she sobbed.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, T H A N K Y O U.”

Mercury froze before he held her tightly, memories of the fateful night when he first held her flashing through his mind.

“Anything for you, my dear mortal hero.”

[silkkpopbonnet]

Dilemma

“So, basically he’s like get your ass home now, you’ve played around enough in the US.” Yeon, sat back rubbing her eyes, wondering why she just didn’t tell her dad no.

He paid for her college that’s why.

“Basically. I have to go home, and finish there and who knows.” She sighed, looking out the window to the city of Atlanta.

“But, do you want to go, that’s the thing.” Her friend, reached across the table taking her hand.

“No, but my dad is Korean.” She laughed softly. “So, I kinda have no choice, and my mom agrees with him.” She finished her coffee, and rolled her eyes, wishing her mother would have pushed for her to stay in the states.

She loved Korea, she loved the States; but she always felt a bit freer here. Standing up, her 5′5″ frame was lithe, but she had hips and an ass. That she got from her mother, she tossed her mid-back length 3B curls behind her and donned a pair of Gucci shades.

“I leave in three days, he didn’t give me time to do shit. Movers will be here tomorrow, I get on the plane, and go. So, there go all my summer plans. Good thing is though, he’s letting you come with me. Two weeks in Seoul, what do you think?”

Her friend, jumped up from her spot, clapping her hands excitedly. “YES! Oh my god, what do I pack? What should I wear?”

Yeon smiled. “We’ll figure that out later.”

Yeon washed her hands in the bathroom aboard the airplane. She made the water as hot as she could stand it, needing something to take her mind off the fact that they had been flying for 8 hours already. She wanted to run and jump, she needed to stretch her legs. Her hair in a messy bun on her head, she looked at herself in the half steamed mirror and sighed. How was she going to fit back in Korea? She had sometimes unruly curly hair that wasn’t a very common sight on a Korean woman, her copper skin, held two very Asian eyes Most people told her, her eyes looked like Kimora Lee Simmons. Plump lips, brown eyes, her figure was slightly curvy, she pushed together her 34B breasts and wondered if her breasts were also too large? Probably not. She was going to be…different. That much was certain.

“Are you ok?” A soft voice at the door asked her in Korean.

“Yes, thank you.”She answered, almost bowing before she remembered she couldn’t be seen.

Speaking in strictly Korean, unless she was around her parents, something else, she was going to have to get used to again. She hated being different, she hated people looking at her like she had a third eyeball. Grunting, she opened the bathroom door, walking back to her seat.

“You ok, Yeon?” Her friend asked her, barely waking up from her nap.

“I’m ready to get off this damn plane. My legs are killing me.” She signaled for the waitress.

“Girl, your short ass is fine, I’m 5′8″ I’m the one suffering.” Her buddy, turned in her seat, snuggling in the cushions of first class, sleeping again.

Would she be fine? She wasn’t so sure.

As soon as the plane landed, both girls stretched and yawned. It was afternoon in Seoul, South Korea, and all Yeon thought about now was sleep. A sign was posted for her, Ms. Hyo Park Yeon as they came down the elevator, and she rolled her eyes, thinking to herself. ‘Wow, thanks parents, don’t even come to the airport.’

“You have an escort? What a driver too?” Her friend chuckled and Yeon bit her lip and tried to figure out, what she hadn’t told her friend already.

“Ms. Hyo.” He already knew her face, and she gave a slight bow saying hello, giving him their bags.

“This is it, the rest, was delivered here already.” With a nod of his head, the man leads the way outside, and out into the bright sunshine. The girls donned their shades, and Marcella looked around, looking quite the tourist, while Yeon ignored the urge.

He leads them both to a car, a sleek black Audi A8 L. Opening the door for them, the girls slid into the cool, cream-colored interior, chilled water bottles waiting for them.

“This car is nice, man did your dad spare any expenses?” Marcella, rubbed a hand along the seats, watching as the driver got in the front seat.

“This isn’t a Bentley, so I’m going to say, yes.” Yeon laid her head back against the seat, getting ready mentally for her best friend to choke her. “I have to tell you something, Marcella.”

The car pulled away, and Marcella was looking out the window. “Mhm.”

“So, my dad is a CEO…you know that.”

“Yea.”

“My mother is an interpreter for his company now. His interpreter. My grandfather, my mother’s father was a doctor.”

Marcella’s eyes turned to slits as she looked at Yeon. “You parents are loaded aren’t they?”

“I don’t really know about all that. I’ve had to work for anything, I’ve ever received, and maintain a strict GPA, you know I don’t flaunt a bunch of shit.”

“Just say it! Why didn’t you tell me!” Marcella punched her arm lightly. “I’m actually kind of hurt. I’m your best friend.”

Yeon let her head fall. “I learned the hard way, about friends who are friends because of money. Not that you're one of them! I just prefer not to be like that. I’m not stuck up and snobby, and Paris Hilton like.”

“Don’t you think I know that dummy? I know who you are. TBH, I kind always knew I think. Tell me more about your parents though.”

Yeon smiled, thanking god that was easier than she thought it would be. She explained that her father always had money, he inherited the company from his father. Her mother had to scrape and earn every penny, her grandfather believed in a hard day's work. He came from nothing, her parents were polar opposites. Her mother was gifted when it came to languages, she spoke 6 fluently, but Korean was not one of them. Her mother was working as an interpreter for another company when she met her father. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her.

“Still makes me gag a little when he says, my mom had the brownest skin he ever saw, and all he thought about doing was rubbing his face against her legs.” She said playfully, she knew her father worshiped her mother.

Her mother didn’t speak Korean, and her father didn’t speak English, however, they both spoke Chinese. They went out on a few dates, and he made a decision to marry her, boom there she was.

“They should write a book about that,” Marcella answered, taking a sip of her water.

“Probably.” Yeon looked out the window. “This is my house.”

Marcella gasped as the gate opened to a large black and cream colored home, The gate opened to a yard, the glass front of the home, showed into the living room, around the side, there was a cement driveway, and a garage for the cars. The door was opened for them, and Marcella and Yeon walked up the pathway leading from the driveway to the front of the house. It was arched, with large dark wooden doors, and Yeon rung the bell, waiting.

“Of course, you remember how to say hello in Korean. My father’s English is still a bit rough.”

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” Marcella asked, rolling her eyes.

Yeon smiled, and the door opened up, her mother standing there in her apron smiling wide. “My baby is home!” She threw her arms around Yeon, hugging her tight before grabbing Marcella hugging her as well.

“Marcella, I’m happy to have you in our home.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Hyo.” She bowed at her.

“Oh please, call me Jasmine.” She ushered the girls into the house. “I know, Y'all are probably tired, but I have been cooking for Y'all. A mix of southern food and Korean.”

Her mother yelled in Korean, for her father, smiling back at the girls. “He’s going to play all tough baby, but you know he missed you. That’s why he wasted no time.” Her mother hugged her again, and this time Yeon held on tight.

She forgot how her mother smelled like cloves and her favorite Prada perfume. Her mother’s tight 4a coils tickled her nose. “I missed you, Ma.”

“I have too, we haven’t seen you in a year.” Letting her, go her mother turned towards the stairs, as her father came down them. The foyer of the home, had dark hardwood floors, contrasting against the light gray of the walls, and the cream of the carpet that lined the stairs.

“Park Yeon.” He said her name, standing at the bottom of the stairs.

Yeon walked over, bowing deeply, saying hello to her father in Korean. “Abeoji, I missed you.”

Her father’s wrinkled forehead smoothed over and he broke into a smile, hugging his little girl tightly. “My family is whole again.” He kissed her face several times, before letting go, and he also grabbed Marcella into a hug.

“Marcella, I’m glad you could join us for a while.” Marcella smiled, looking shy.

“Thank you for the vacation, Mr. Hyo.” He waved a hand dismissively at her.

“You are like a sister to my baby, call me abeoji.” Marcella tested the word on her tongue, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Her father, shooed both girls upstairs, informing Yeon that her things would be there, in 3-4 days. Yeon showed Marcella the guest room, and how to use the shower. “Just come in my room when you're done.”

Yeon walked into her room, it was almost the same way she left it. Old EXO posters on the wall, on a cork board. A few American bands on the other side, she had a new computer, new bed, new bedding. Her vanity in front of her bay window. She could decorate as she wanted later, she supposed, but she didn’t even want to live in her parents' house. For goodness sake, she was 20 years old, but her father probably didn’t want her living on her own either. This was going to be hard. She showered, conditioning her hair, and finger de-tangling as she let the water run down her back. She washed her face free of the makeup she wore. She had forgotten to put on a primer, and setting powder so she knew she skin probably looked oily. After she was finished, she wrapped her head in a towel, sitting down at her vanity. She didn’t feel like dealing with her hair, so she set to start doing large twists.

Marcella knocked once, letting herself inside. “I’m glad I got my hair done, before coming because I would not be in the doing it now.”

She looked up at Marcella in the mirror, her friend's shoulder length box braids now held secure in a wrap on her head. “Help me then, I ain’t trying to be here all day.”

Marcella set to rubbing olive oil into the strands, before twisting them with twist cream on her fingers. Both girls finished, Yeon stood u, grabbing a scarf from the hook near her door, and wrapped her hair into a pineapple, before she set out to get dressed.

“Another struggle is finding good hair care products.” Yeon pulled on a purple V-neck shirt that said ‘J’adore’ on the front over her head.

“Your mama is natural, what do you mean?” Marcella looked at her posters. “Chanyeol was still fine as hell in these pics.”

“That’s like right after their debut. She is but she goes into Seoul, to get her hair done. You know I’m picky.” Marcella nodded, still looking over the pictures.

The girls made their way downstairs, where Mrs. Hyo was setting the table. The girls settled themselves on cushions on the floor, as her father made his way in, sitting down at the head of the table.

“How was the flight?” He asked in Korean.

Her mother came in with a gallon of juice, and cups. “English please, we have a guest.” Just as her father was about to protest, she held up a hand sitting down. “Your English is fine, you just never really try. I refuse to translate.”

“Yes, yes, umma.” He replied taking some rice from a large bowl.

“It was long. Fine though.” Yeon answered, Marcella, agreeing with her.

They ate and talked, laughing about what had happened lately in Atlanta or Korea. Inside, Yeon smiled this was good, she had forgotten how much she missed home. How much she missed really good kimchi and her mothers fried chicken. Her mother rolled her eyes at her fathers bad jokes.

“You can have the summer to do as you will, school starts back in September, everything is taken care of Yeon.” Her father spoke, looking at her stuff more kimchi into her mouth.

Thanks, dad, I’m just wondering how I will fit in.” He shrugged at her, chewing his rice.

“You will be fine, you are my daughter. Besides, concentrate on school, not a social life.” Yeon took a sip of her juice, sighing.

“I’m a young dad, I have to have a social life.” She put another piece of chicken on Marcella’s plate as she spoke.

Her father put his chopsticks down on his plate. “I have a remedy for that soon enough. For now, don’t worry, so much, you’ll get wrinkles.”

Her mother shook her head at the two. After lunch, Yeon and Marcella went to their rooms to nap, while her mother cleared dishes with her father.

He stood in the kitchen watching his wife. “Friday then?”

“I actually don’t think this is a good idea at all right now.” She washed the last of the plates, putting them in them in the dish drainer.

“Why not?” He came to stand behind his wife, her short frame nestling against his.

“It’s sneaky. You bring her here, to finish school, but you have an ulterior motive.” Her mother turned in her father’s arms to look at him.

“I’m making sure, our daughter is secure in life.” Sighing, Mrs. Hyo, moved from her husband’s grasp.

“I know. I just…let her see if she likes him or not. I wasn’t forced with you.” Mr. Hyo crossed to where his wife now stood, and took her chin in his hand.

“She will like him, trust me. Choi Jun-Seo is a good man, he is already making me very proud in the company.”

“If you say so.” Her mother leaned her head up, to give her father a gentle kiss.

He grinned, kissing her once more. “I’m always right, trust me.”

The next few days were spent shopping and sight-seeing. Marcella and Yeon kicked back and relaxed most days. “We should go clubbing,” Marcella said, as Yeon sat at her computer looking at places to live near the college.

“Clubs? Yea, we can go. When?” Yeon brought up another tab, to look for good clubs when her mother walked in after knocking once.

“Can’t go tonight, I’m sorry girls. Yeon.” Her mother laid a traditional Korean dress, on her bed. “Your father has a dinner guest, and you have to wear this. I have one for you as well Marcella.”

Yeon rolled her eyes, earning a scowl on her mother’s face. “Stop. You look beautiful in them.”

The golden color of the dress was offset by the red of the tank top, and red flowers, twined with their vibrant green leaves. The black, sheer covering had a white collar. The fabric was thick and heavy. She picked up the dress, holding it close to her body.

“It is pretty, dad is going all out, who is the guest?” Her mother grinned slightly, turning to Marcella.

“Yours will be delivered before tonight. You can take it home if you like, it’s pink and black. I thought the colors would compliment you.”

“Ma.” Yeon put the dress down, looking back at her mother. “Why are you ignoring me?”

“I’m not. He’s a work partner of your fathers. He’s someone your father thinks highly of. So he wants you to look your best.” Her mother turned from the room. “You guys can club tomorrow.”

As the door closed behind her, Marcella chuckled softly but steadily it became louder. “If you don’t have this figured out by now, I’m gonna be pissed.”

Yeon balled her hands into fists. “Stay here.” She grumbled. Her father’s office was downstairs, near the parlor. She quickly jumped down the stairs, running down the hall, her bare feet pattering gently on the hardwood. The large oak doors in front of her, she was never to enter as a child, unless invited. She knew her father would be in there, while her mother gave her the dress.

She knocked once hard, then twice more. “Yes?”

“Dad, you know it's me.” She wanted to yell, but yelling would get her nowhere with him.

He cleared his throat. “Come in.”

Yeon opened the door, closing it behind her, keenly aware of how close it seemed in there. He had many small statues and vases lining the walls. The dark walls and light carpet on the floor, everything was exactly as it had been. Traditional, clean cut. She walked towards her fathers' desk where he sat looking over some papers, his glasses low on his nose.

“Who is this guy.” She pulled a chair from the desk sitting down, she was letting him know she wasn’t going anywhere.

“His name is Choi Jun Seo. He runs the international side of the company, fluent in 3 languages, learning a fourth. He graduated top if his class-”

Yeon cut her father off, tapping on his desk. “I didn’t ask for his resume abeoji.”

Her father slowly lifted his head, pushing his glasses on his nose. The wrinkles around his eyes, deepening as he sighed. “I think, he would be a good match for you.”

“I knew something was up!” Yeon stood up in her chair, pointing at her father. “Is this why I came back? Don’t lie to me.”

Her father removed his glasses, rubbing the area between his eye. “Yeon, do not raise your voice at me.”

She ignored him. “Is it! Tell me! I don’t want to be set up, with some guy who you think is ok for me. That’s not fair!” She pushed away from his desk, throwing her hands into the air. “You can’t do this!”

“I can do as I please, I am your father!” Mr. Hyo stood up, his balled fist slamming down on his desk.

The air was hot between them. Yeon heard her breathing, she was frustrated and angry. She closed her eyes, willing back the tears that threatened. “Did you even miss me? Or did you just want me back as some shiny little pawn to entice your co-workers with?”

Her fathers face softened. “Why would you say that? Of course, I missed you. Your mother missed you. You belong here at home. It is not safe in Atlanta, we cannot protect you.”

Yeon sniffled. “You don’t have to protect me, I’m a grown woman.” She wiped her eyes, turning her back on her father like a child.

“You are my child. My only child. He will be here tonight to introduce himself to you in a formal setting, that is all. I am pushing, however, that you two will date.” Mr. Hyo came from around his desk, at 5′9″ he towered over his daughter, lifting her chin to look at him. “Give him a chance.”

She tugged her chin from her fathers grasp. “If he’s ugly, I’m not doing anything.”

“Park Yeon..” He said quietly.

“I don’t like this, and I don’t agree to it. I will be cordial though.” Her father chuckled, hugging his daughter tight.

“You’re like your mother, I suppose that is all I can ask for now.”

Chapter Two

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After 5 Years Of Relying On Medication, I Can Finally Sleep

Its been a long time since Ive written anything. And while my intentions were to blog every fortnight, this post has been extremely tough to write. For once I found it quite difficult to articulate my feelings and experiences, because of the personal nature of what I’m about to tell you.

A few weeks ago, I found myself chatting to one of my new friends, who is also an amazing business coach and mentor. He asked me how things were going aside from business, how are you feeling, just in general?. I thought about it and said, did you know, this is the first time in five years that Ive been able to sleep without taking a pill?

Insomnia has been affecting my ability to sleep properly since late 2010. It was kicked off by a freak hockey ball to the head incident, which then transpired into mental health problems (thanks, brain). Around 1 in 3 people have or have had some degree of insomnia in their lives. For an unlucky few (like me) insomnia is/was chronic. If youre one of them and are reading this, know that its okay, there IS a way out.

Back in 2010 I got a wild smack to the forehead from a fast flying hockey ball, I was briefly knocked out and I opened my eyes not even realizing what had happened, but bizarrely, I was laughing! It wasnt until I felt the huge lump on my head that it suddenly hit me (hah, pun intended). Soon after this, I had developed intense trouble sleeping and experienced extreme headaches and photophobia.

In my traditional headstrong fashion I refused to go to the doctor, that was a bad decision. Months later things seemed to be getting worse in my head space. After seeing a bunch of specialists and getting an MRI and all that, it was concluded that I had Post Concussion Syndrome (a minor form of traumatic brain injury).

Because of this, my health took a drastic downward spiral. I was lethargic, had constant headaches, was depressed, irritated, and slightly delusional. The doctors prescribed me dozens of painkillers to cope. I was studying a BMA at the time, and working so I could afford to live out of home and life spun out of my control. The brain does crazy things when it experiences trauma, and for a long long time I was not myself.

I was enrolled in a national head injury study. They interviewed me about the events and my experiences, then they interviewed some of my friends and family. Every six months my reaction time and short-term memory were tested, as well as my mood and general quality of life. It took almost two years for me to get back to normal. I dont know why it was such a long time, perhaps some people are more susceptible to these kinds of things. A lot of people in my family battle with mental illnesses. But even when I was feeling better, I still had to rely on medication to sleep.

Luckily for me, my doctors had refused to give me traditional sleeping pills such as Zopiclone, because of their addictive qualities. That was fine by me, I never intended to be stuck taking pills before bed. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt survive without them. At first it was Amitriptyline, a drug in high doses used to treat depression, but I was on it for headaches and as a muscle relaxant.

Sometime after I finished my degree in late 2012, I changed doctors due to not having access to the medical center on campus. My new doctor tried to wean me off taking the medication, I was all in. But it just didnt work. I went back to him after slowly reducing my intake at his guidance and tried a few months without anything. In mid-2013 I had more responsibility with my job which added some stress, and without any pills before bed I was getting between 1 and 5 hours sleep a night. I got sick a lot, gained a lot of weight, my mood was unstable, and I was quickly becoming very unhappy.

So I went back to my doctor, I was attempting to tell him that I still havent been able to sleep but I sat there crying in his office because I was just so exhausted and frustrated. I just wanted sleep. He recommended putting me through a sleep study and to see a sleep therapist, but this wasnt subsidized and I wasnt financially able to pay for such expensive tests (startup wages, am I right?). So, I opted for the easier just for now option. We tried something new, Quetiapine, an antipsychotic drug which in high doses is used to treat people who are bipolar or schizophrenic. I didnt get a large dose, only small enough to help me sleep. But even then I woke up every morning with a drug hangover and it took me hours every day before I could feel completely awake.

I lived like this for a long time, always having to take a pill before bed. Sometimes that didnt even work. I vividly remember how I felt after a huge hike over NZs Tongariro Crossing and then the 2-hour drive home. I was so tired, so exhausted after that I could hardly eat. I was thinking surely, surely I am this tired I must be able to sleep. But then as soon as my head hit the pillow my mind became awake, overactive and as much as I tried, I couldnt settle it down. A few hours later I begrudgingly got up and gulped down that damn pill, desperate for the relief of sleep.

This is when I started researching sleeping techniques. Over the past year and a half I have tried everything; yoga, meditation, walks in the evening, less coffee, less sugar, evening protein, writing down to-do lists and thoughts in a journal beside my bed, sleep tea, calm tea, chamomile tea, peppermint tea, Chinese herbs, sleep drops, lavender under my pillow, hops under my pillow, sleep apps with meditation, hypnosis, screen dimmers, installing Flux on my computer, melatonin, no screens (mobile, TV, Computer) two hours before bed, non-fictional reading before bed, homeopathy just everything.

Sometimes it would help, Id feel sleepy, try to drift off, then all of a sudden my mind would wake, even though Id be so so physically tired. I didnt know it was possible to feel so exhausted and awake at the same time. So I would carry on using my little pills to sleep and feeling hungover in the morning. I hated it, I never truly felt awake in all that time. And if I ever went somewhere and forgot my pills Id always get restless nights with little or no sleep.

A lot of time went past, living like this. After deciding to leave Hamilton to travel, I ended up in Perth, Australia. By the time I got here my little box of magic sleeping pills from New Zealand had run out. I attempted fate once more and tried to cold turkey my way to sleep. It really wasnt working out for me. The smallest noise, a single thought, any slight disturbance would set me off and my mind would begin racing once more. No matter what I did, I just couldnt sleep. There is nothing worse or more hopeless than the feeling of wanting and needing sleep so badly but you just cant get there and you realize your own mind is the only barrier to falling asleep. I remember thinking, how hopeless am I that I cant even perform the simple human function of sleeping?.

The one good thing that came out of these few weeks was my deep inner search for a reason. I didnt feel like my head injury was the cause of not being able to sleep, it just seemed like some sort of instigator. Im not going to share the details, but what I realized was that I had become afraid of sleep, and everything else was just an excuse.

I ended up seeing a wonderful doctor here who prescribed me some medication to sleep again and referred me to a counselor who specialized in sleep therapy. I gladly took the medication and debated whether I was ready for a counselor. I wanted to overcome my insomnia on my own (I had only just started acknowledging that this is really what I had), but sometimes you cant do everything on your own, sometimes you need to accept that you need a bit of a helping hand. And this is what I did.

The first session with my counselor was amazing. She knew what had happened without me having to say much, she said it and I sat there and cried. I cried as years of pent up emotion and holding back just escaped from me and it was so relieving. Her theory was I had developed an unconscious fear of sleeping because I lose control over myself and have to give in to the environment around me. I didnt feel . Of course, I knew logically that I was safe, but there was a deep fear within me that I had never let go of, a blocked memory; trauma. It had nothing to do with my head injury, that was a catalyst, as well as some other events that happened between then and now.

And so started my road to recovery. I went to the counselor once a fortnight. We didnt just talk about sleeping, we talked about a lot and it was really nice. I finally found an app that helped ease me into the sleeping mind-frame, Pzizz. Every morning within half an hour of waking up I get at least an hour of exercise outside. If not, I try to sit in the sun for 20 minutes or be active in some other way. I dont drink coffee after 3pm and limit myself to two a day (on bad days). I dont have much processed sugar, I write to-do lists every day in my diary so I dont lie in bed and think about everything I have to remember to do tomorrow. My bedroom has become an area for sleep every time I watch something on my laptop in bed it affects the amount and quality of sleep I get, so Ive stopped doing that.

Routines are also very important I do the same thing before bed every night. I also try to stick to the same hours, but Im still learning to sleep so I havent been using an alarm, just trying to slowly get back into the right rhythm. Right now I usually fall asleep between 12am, wake up at about 6, then go back to sleep until 9 or 10. Its not the pattern I love, and I still have many days where some nights are better than others, but Im getting there, Im improving and Im not giving up.

My mood has become better, my skin clearer, Im no longer getting sick every few weeks and my focus levels are at an all-time high. I still have a lot of work to do, but for the first time in over four years I can sleep without medication, and it feels so damn good.

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