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nehilistuniverse · 4 years ago

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I DUNNO

How do I explain people that I actually do not know the reason why I can’t be strong in front of women sexually and give in to easy because my bitch ass was groomed by a bunch of females so I have no boundaries there and do the most hyper sexual things.

I do have my suspensions on pride’s hypersexuality he talks like every person who ever got violated as a kid...

Maybe I am assuming and wrong and men are naturally on that level but I do worry about him and envy but maybe it’s the hormones.

I need to stop being so nosy and curios especially about an asshole that’s now had a whole ass funeral in my mind. Though death by infinite number of slaps but still.

I NEED TO KNOWWWWWW

I OVERTHINK A LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

IMMA DIE OVERTHINKING

BITCH GO STUDY

Naah me still more hyper sexual lmaoooooo I am just too good at controlling myself because I anyway fear men and don’t trust them because they aren’t worth the trust anyway.

Yeahhhhh

I am running away aren’t I?

But the curiosity regarding these things is infinity I just need clarity and I won’t sleep properly until then because genuinely something funny is going on AND I NEED TO KNOW.

I am more of a go with the flow kind but I needddddd tooooo know or I am going to go bonkers. I swear I have not been able to study just because I have useless questions and I CAN’T CONCENTRATE I JUST CAN’T IT’S LIKE THAT ONE MANGA CHAPTER THAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR FROM THE PAST 6-7 YEARS

I HAVE NO PAITINCE I USED TO HAVE IT BUT I INVESTED IT ALL IN WAITING FOR MANGA RELEASE AND ONE THING I HAVE LEARNT FROM THAT IS NEVER WAIT FOR THEM FUCKING MANGA RELEASES THERE MIGHT NEVER BE ONE AND YOU WILL END UP MISSING OUT ON BETTER MANGAS.

IT REMINDS ME DID THEY EVER UPLOADED WALLFLOWER’S NEW CHAPTER BECAUSE I WILL REREAD IT IF NOT

FUCK REAL LIFE SUCKS ASS I WANT MY MANGAS BACK AND HOW DARE THEY STOP THEM FUCKING FREE SITES?!

I AM LOSING MY MIND SLOWLY AND DESENTING INTO MADNESS I AM VERY CLOSE

naah I am just being overdramatic and writing just for the heck of it. Isn’t that what I always do? Write whatever I want just for the heck of it because I like how it makes me feel less useless and how I am able to communicate without hesitation. I do take it too far at times because I enjoy it a lot BUT

I am never making this my profession it’s my sanity. If it becomes the very thing I run away from again I will break someone’s neck.

I do not want to be dictated what I have to write and what I should do in order to come up with the idea and how I am supposed to research

and I very specifically remember asking manjhi’s writer his process for coming up with the character’s personality and the way he went into details. Bruh. Also what do you mean the whole story should come in that 4 page that’s your script and only that’s accepted.

I swear my college made me hate writing. It just did. Somehow it made me realize the moment this becomes my profession and I start or go into technical writing or PR or anything of that kind I will lose my coping mechanism, my escape, my little heaven and I would not be able to forgive myself for that ever.

I am genuinely writing just for the heck of it and feels so free. I do imagine how beautiful and calming it must be typing on a typewriter.

I will buy myself one. Some day I will. I do not know but after watching the little woman I suddenly started missing writing but I am scared. It’s like I am never able to figure out what I want my character’s personality to be like and how do I keep it consistent through out and how do I channelize different voices for different characters?

And how does one do that? That too consistently because the only way to ever pull that off is to write consistently. Consistency suckssssssss. That’s one thing I genuinely want to learn. The art of being consistent without taking anyone’s help.

I am genuinely tired. Imagine being sponsored by a company that sells typewriters. I remember how I used to be crazy about writing once upon a time and was so determined to make it my “profession” what a silly child I was.

My dreams demand more and so does my family at least for now and I genuinely can’t write without having to suffer through the pain of a monotonous life because writing is essentially my escape. If it stops being that ever again I will lose it.

I mean I have seen how other writers live as book bloggers on youtube. The highly notorious “BookTube” is filled with those who can afford expensive books and the goddamned book shelves. Book heaven and almost all have those tiny what is that company’s name Branes and nobles? I guess? The have their tiny harry potter figurines. Also everyone just suggests expensive books. I though still adored illumine files. I am yet to read the other two books in the series.

You know what I miss the most? Metro rides to my college. I genuinely miss being sleep deprived shaky and standing waiting for a seat to clear so I can sit. Even that used to be a game. Always stand near the pole in the middle so you can see in the front but also see the seats behind you in the reflection of the mirror.

The being the first one to be able to grab that seat, taking out your earphones turning the music on loud and taking out a book from your bag so you can hide your face and forget about the crowd. I miss the yellow light.

I miss metro so much. It used to be my second home. My ticket to freedom. I remember coming home late at 8 and running from the metro station till the gate to my “campus”

There was a distance of 1 km approx.? I remember freaking out only to find out that my parents were out shopping. I don’t think they know the amount of times I have reached home by 8-8:30

You see my parents are strict and will never let me be out when it has started to get dark. I miss my freedom.

I don’t want to go out and explore the society there way too many people always walking at any given time. I miss empty streets. I miss being forced to walk for 3-4 kms just to save money by kushal. I miss how he used to act like my big brother in this awful place where I was left to fend for myself.

I even miss that one birthday I missed. I was not awake on my 19th birthday xD I technically was. Actually it was supposed to be my first birthday so I had spent the whole night before planning but suddenly there was this message to submit fees at my college. So I went to my college with a poorly made check. Mind you my college is 30 kms away from the place where I used to live. It took me 45 mins to reach my college. I went there with no cheque book. They straight up refused to take it so I had to travel back and get my cheque book xD I did the whole thing and bought myself a bottle of milkshake.

I went back to hostel and asked this “Friend” of mine to wake me up after this time in case I don’t come out because I really want to celebrate my birthday. Technically either the friend group or your floor mates are supposed to make you cut cake at 12 but I didn’t realize this back then and this bitch she knew but didn’t care she was using me as a person she could cry to. She didn’t care at all this selfish prick that I used to call my “friend” she made me feel so alone and then she also didn’t wake me up. I woke up and cried so much I had even missed dinner. I took warden’s permission watched some animated movie made myself Maggie (it has always been my comfort food) and just cried myself to sleep.

I sometimes do wish somebody out there cared because all my life I have met selfish people who would rather use me. I keep meeting them and I have learnt to never give such kind a second chance and even if I do I only feel hate. I still hate that person. I hate each and every selfish person out there. There is a difference between being someone who loves themselves and someone who is way up their butt. I know people who love themselves. I adore them.

Where as selfish people have no place in my life. It’s the stupidest thing but I genuinely do not know how to forgive someone. I mean it took me years to forgive my own parents and they care. Once I get resentment in my heart I don’t care how much I care about you or love you I will harm you. I will make sure you go insane slowly and surely with more hurt you place upon my shoulder.

I sometimes do think I made my parents life a living hell for a few years. On the daily I used to make them count all the horrible things they have done. Each and every day and it went on for years. I am a little cracked in that department. I hold on too tight and no one can make me let go of it. I will end up hurting you again and again and again for years before I actually get the proof you are no longer a threat to my mental health and you are no longer selfish.

I have handled way too much in my life but disrespect and selfish behavior is one thing I can no longer tolerate and the fact I did try to tolerate it just because I needed answers is so damn crazy to me.

The fact it even induced flashbacks/nightmares from my past. It’s so fucked up that I was trying to look for some kind of clarity. Some kind of closure and honest to god I still want it because I really want to know and I do not know how to stop my overthinking. I genuinely do not know. It’s almost like somebody has power to my mind and I do not like it or the person. I am officially at my breaking point and hate the guts of the person. HOW LOW CAN ONE STOOP?

What did I ever do to deserve this? I want the answers so badly. I need clarity. It’s not a want it’s a need and I want it on text. So I can remember and put things together. I just want that. 6 Fucking months.

Just to get my answers. I got so involved that I actually tried to chase a dude I knew was emotionally unavailable. I even tried to befriend. I literally reached my limit. I have always been in it for the answers. The fact I have to make peace with the fact I might not get them until maybe years later sucksssss. I dunno from where to where I went but this is just me ranting it all out and taking all of my frustration out and reminding myself. I will keep reminding myself of the hurt and the pain we went through just so we don’t repeat the cycle ever again with someone else.

This was an experience but never again. The fact I got so involved that I had even started to give life advice lmao. We could have been awesome ass friends. It’s shitty how it had to come to this point that now I actually hate him and don’t ever even by mistake want to cross paths with him, don’t want to see his face or anything.

Not even the online presences I don’t even want that in my life. I just want freedom from this pain. It’s way too painful. I have went through way too much bullshit that I didn’t even deserve and I have never stooped so low for anyone. I genuinely feel like I betrayed myself aging and again and again on repeat just for the tiny clarity.

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years ago

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1. What kind of textures do you enjoy most in your food? Crunchy, crispy, soft, hard, grainy, slimy, etc? I definitely don’t like hard or slimy textures. That just sounds gross lol.

2. Do you keep up any seasonal decorations outside of their season? The Christmas decorations in my room have been up for 2 years. :X

3. Can you remember the most awkward situation you've ever been in? What happened? Way too many of those. My life is an awkward situation.

4. Can you remember the most scary situation you've ever been in? What happened? There’s been several scary situations. I don’t feel like getting into any of those.

5. Do you do anything unusual to help you concentrate? Some people find ASMR unusual, but *shrug* It’s helpful for myself and many others.

6. Do you ever wonder what your parents were like as children/teenagers? They’ve told me stories and other family members have shared stories as well, but yeah.

7. Do you think suicide is ever "okay?" I can’t answer this in a easy or simple way, it’s a lot deeper than that. It would require a serious discussion and I do not want to get into that.

8. Would you rather a close family member/close friend/significant other die of suicide or murder? Why is this? Wtf kind of question is this???

9. In your opinion, what is the worst thing someone could ever do? Rape/murder/abuse.

10. In your opinion, what is the best thing someone could ever do? That’s harder to answer cause there’s a lot of good/best things someone could do.

11. Do you think about any fellow xangans outside of xanga? I’ve seen things, like while scrolling through my dash or something, that made me think of a few of you on here.

12. What military installation is the closest to you? Hmm.

13. Do you still open your windows during winter? I don’t open my window ever.

14. How cold is too cold? How hot is too hot? When I have to layer up and can’t get warm and when I’m hot and miserable and feeling like shit.

15. Would you rather lose both legs or both arms? Why? As a paraplegic, losing my arms would have a much bigger impact on me.

16. If you committed a crime that landed you in prison for the rest of your life, but were given the option to receive the death sentence instead, which would you choose? Why? Jeez, this survey...

17. Is there any specific album you can listen to in its entirety and enjoy every single song? There’s a few.

18. Would you rather be a famous movie star, television star, or musician? None of those, thanks.

19. If you are not religious, have you ever eaten dinner with a group of people that were and said grace before eating? How was this for you? If you are religious and say grace before dinner, have you ever eaten dinner with a group of people that weren't and didn't say grace before eating? How was this for you? My faith and relationship with God only started a few years ago, so I’ve been in the first situation many times throughout my life. I had no issue with it, I was respectful about it. I just sat there quietly until they were done. I usually even lowered my head as well, I just didn’t pray. I’ve since been on the other side and there isn’t an issue. I admittedly don’t do it often, which is something I’d like to change, but when I do I just say a little prayer in my head and then carry on.

20. Do you think an evil Santa or an evil Easter Bunny would make a better villain in a horror movie? Evil Santa. “Ho, ho, ho, it’s time for you to go.” ha.

21. Did you ever think any fictional story-book character was creepy as a child? Do you still think any of them are creepy? Goosebump books! I loved ‘em, though.

22. Would you rather wear nothing but white or nothing but black? Is there any color you'd actually want to wear head-to-toe? >> Nothing but black, since that’s what I mostly do anyway. <<< Same. I feel most comfortable in black. I couldn’t wear all white, it would for sure get stained.

23. What physical/mental health problems run in your family? Do you have any of the same problems? Diabetes, some cancers, back problems, bad eyesight, depression, anxiety...

24. What is your mental and physical health like right now? I talk about my health, especially my mental health, all the time.

25. If you found a suit case (with no information about the owner) with a million dollars inside of it , would you turn it into the police or keep it? Be honest. ;] Honestly, I’d think it was too suspicious and part of a setup or something. I would be afraid of risking getting involved in something I don’t want to be involved in. A million dollars is a shitload of money to just be transported around like that. Like why is it being transported around and not in a bank? I think I’d just anonymously inform the cops of a suspicious suitcase and leave it at that.

26. Would you rather gaze at the stars or clouds? “Look at the stars, look how they shine for you and everything you do. They were all yellow.”

27. Are they any foods you used to enjoy but no longer like? Are there any foods you used to dislike but now enjoy? I can’t have spicy foods anymore, haven’t been able to for a few years now, but it still makes me sad. It’s not that I don’t like it anymore, I was obSESSED with spicy food, I just can’t tolerate it anymore cause of some health reasons. It sucks. My appetite has changed a lot as well the past few years, so I just don’t even eat like I used to. I used to be such a foodie. As for food I used to dislike but now enjoy... I can’t think of any.

28. Do you feel much older or younger than you are? Why? Both. I think I feel older cause of some physical health reasons and just feeling broken, rundown, and exhausted (no offense to older people, hell there’s a lot of older people who are doing much better than me and have a lot more energy). I feel younger, too. I’m a child at heart, but I also just don’t feel like someone who is in their 30s. I don’t know, man. It’s hard to explain. 29. Did you get along with kids that were older or younger than you? A lot of my friends were a year younger than me. I never was held back or anything, I was just a year older than most of the kids in my class for some reason.

30. Do you know any magic tricks? Not anymore, but I dabbled a bit with card tricks when I was a kid.

31. How much would life suck for you if you had a wheat allergy? Oh, man. No cookies, cakes, donuts, muffins, wheat bread, bread crumbs (my mom uses breadcrumbs when she makes her meatballs, which I love, and I also like it on mac and cheese), condiments, salad dressing, sauces, or deli meats??? I love all those things. :( 32. Are you able to watch gory scenes in movies? Why or why not? I can handle it for the most part. The worst that always comes to mind when asked this is a particular scene in Midsommar. That was tooooo much.

33. Do you constantly check the time? Does time seem to move quickly or slowly for you? It does feel that way. My life is very scheduled and routine. Like, I take medicine at certain times and I tend to eat around the same time. Even when it comes to drinking water and whatnot. I’ll be like, okay in an hour I’ll start on my first water bottle of the day and then around [insert time here] I’ll eat something. Time often seems to move very slowly in the day by day, but then I can look back and be like how is July already almost over??

34. Would you rather live in a nice house in a bad location, or a less-than-nice house in a great location? I would much rather live in a nice location where I feel safer.

35. Have you ever been a witness to a horrible crime? What happened? I’ve witnessed a drunk driving swerving on the highway, a domestic violence situation (they were in the car driving on the highway, too!), and animal abuse. Each of those times I called the cops.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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trashcanreddiefan · 5 years ago

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The 4th Annual Losers’ Club Christmakkah Celebration 1/2

Summary: The Losers gather for their fourth annual Christmakkah celebration, and this time Richie and Eddie get a Christmakkah surprise.

Word Count: 1500-ish for part 1. (This part ran away with me so I decided to split the fic into 2 parts.)

Warnings: Usual Trashmouth swearing.

Author’s Note: Post-Chapter 2. All of the Losers are alive in this fic, including Stan, because canon can suck it. Final part in the series, unless I get some other ideas. Part 1 here, part 2 here, part 3 here.

CROSS-POSTED AT AO3.

"Happy holidays," Richie sang along as he looped the Christmas lights around his and Eddie's Christmakkah tree. "Happy holidays, while the merry bells keep ringing, happy holidays tooooo youuuuuu!"

He paused as he heard the key in the lock, going to his record player to turn the music down.

He could hear the front door open and the sound of keys dropping in the bowl on the sofa table next to the door. "Rich?" Eddie's voice called out. "I'm home!"

"In here!" Richie called back.

Eddie walked into their living room. "Hey, babe." He looked up at the Christmakkah tree. "Starting the decorations without me?"

Richie shook his head. "Just putting the lights up. I knew you'd probably be tired after work so this way we wouldn't have to wait to get the ornaments up."

Eddie nodded. "Sounds good. Feel like Italian for dinner?"

"Mmm, baby, you know I'm always in the mood for some Spaghetti," Richie said with a wink.

Eddie raised an eyebrow and gently stroked a finger up Richie's arm. "Well if you play your cards right, you might even get a second helping tonight," he whispered seductively.

Richie's breath hitched. Holy fuck that's hot.

No matter how long he and Eddie had known each other (the 20-plus years of clown-induced amnesia notwithstanding), Eddie still managed to surprise him.

Eddie smirked then gave Richie a quick kiss. "I'm gonna go change out of my scrubs after I order the food. Want anything special tonight or just your usual?"

Richie mentally shook his head, trying to clear it of the fog of lust his husband had stirred within him. "Uh, actually yeah, can you add some gnocchi to my regular order? The cream sauce they serve them in is ah-mazing."

"Ok, sure thing."

Richie watched as Eddie left the living room. I hate to see him go, but I sure love to watch him leave, he thought, making a mental note to add that joke to his next routine.

As much as Richie joked about how hot Eddie looked in his scrubs, he was seriously proud of him. Eddie had earned a second bachelor's degree in nursing in only a year, graduated top of his class, was offered a TA position while he was pursuing his Master's degree, earned THAT degree in a year and a half, and had immediately been offered a permanent position as a nurse practitioner at the fancy clinic where he had done his clinicals.

Eddie was finally doing what he loved, and it made Richie happy to see his husband so happy.

He had just finished stringing the lights and was surveying his work when Eddie came back downstairs wearing sweatpants that were a bit too long on him and a comfortable, worn sweatshirt with the sleeves rolled up.

"Mmm, Eds, have I ever told you just how hot you look in my clothes?" Richie sighed, wrapping his arms around Eddie.

"Maybe once or twice," Eddie replied with a wink. "Lights look good."

"I'm not sure if I have them spaced out enough," Richie replied. "It's our first official Christmakkah as a married couple, plus we're hosting the Losers this year. I want the tree to be perfect."

"No, I like it." Eddie sighed, leaning into Richie. "Just think, next year we'll have our first official Christmakkah as parents."

"That's so fucking wild." Richie ran a hand through his hair. "I still can't believe that we're gonna be dads."

Richie had never pictured himself having a family until after his niece was born, but the second he saw Olivia in Eddie's arms he thought, I want that. He had been nervous about bringing it up with Eddie because he wasn't sure if Eddie wanted kids, but luckily he had had nothing to worry about.

They had been babysitting Max, Bill and Audra's then 6-month-old son, while Bill and Audra were attending a film premiere and Richie had been watching Eddie softly singing to Max while rocking him to sleep. "Hey Eds," he said, "what do you think about maybe having one of our own one day?"

Eddie froze, then glanced up at Richie. "Is that something you want?" he asked casually.

"Yeah, I think I do." Richie bit his lip. "Is that something you might want?"

"Rich," Eddie had breathed. "I want nothing more than to have a family with you."

Both had agreed that they weren't getting any younger, so they had discussed their options, ultimately choosing to have a child via a surrogate.

They found out in early April that the procedure had been a success, so in just a few weeks Richie and Eddie would be welcoming a son.

They had discussed when and how to share their news, and since the Losers were gathering at Ben & Bev's for their son Burke's first birthday a few weeks after they found out they were expecting, they decided to surprise everyone there.

They had waited until all the other guests had left and only the Losers were remaining.

They were all sitting around outside on Ben and Bev's deck watching the kids play at their feet when Eddie pulled out an envelope and handed it to Bev. "Oh hey, Richie and I forgot to put Burke's birthday card with his other gifts."

"Oh ok, that's fine," Bev had replied. "Burkey, come see your birthday card from Uncle Eddie and Uncle Richie."

She set Burke on her lap, opened the envelope and pulled the card out.

Richie grabbed Eddie's hand, giving it a squeeze.

"For a special 1-year-old," Bev read. "Lots of love, lots of cake, lots of time to celebrate! Happy 1st birthday Burke -- love Uncle Eddie, Uncle Richie, and Baby Kaspbrak-Tozier."

Seven pairs of eyes looked at them in surprise.

"Yep, that's right," Richie crowed, pulling the sonogram out of his wallet. "I knocked Eddie up -- we're gonna be dads!"

After a group hug and round of congratulations Richie and Eddie shared the details -- biologically, the baby would be Eddie's and was due in mid-January. ("I want our kids to be cute, Eds, not look like Sasquatch," Richie had argued when they first started talking about surrogacy. Eddie had eventually agreed on one condition; that they at least try to find a surrogate that had similar features as Richie. They had lucked out in finding Sarah, who was a tall, dark-haired, blue-eyed woman with similar features as Richie. If Richie didn't know any better he would've thought that they could've been siblings.)

Richie leaned down to give Eddie a kiss, tenderly stroking his thumb across his husband's cheek as he did so. "So how was work?"

"Oh, you know how it gets around the holidays," Eddie replied. "Everyone seems to be coming down with something. Which reminds me, you still need to get your flu shot. We don't want to run the risk of one of us getting sick and passing it to Sarah or the baby."

Richie smirked. "As long as you're the one to give it to me. I know how much you love to stick things in my--"

"It goes in your arm, you pervert," Eddie interrupted, shaking his head fondly. "But either way, come by the clinic tomorrow and I'll fit you in in between patients."

"Ok, I have a meeting with Steve and those people from Netflix about the new special at 10, so I'll swing by on my way home."

Their conversation was interrupted by the doorbell. "You get the food, I'll get the plates?" Eddie said.

"Sure, babe."

Richie answered the door, tipping the delivery driver generously. He brought the bags into the living room, where he and Eddie settled themselves on the sofa with their respective meals.

"So we had a kid in the clinic today whose name was Mandolin," Eddie said, taking a bite of eggplant parmesan. "Parents call her Lin."

Richie shook his head. Ever since they had started discussing baby names, Eddie would come home complaining about some of the unusual monikers people bestowed upon their kids.

Before Richie could even open his mouth to comment, Eddie added, "And no, we're still not naming our son Edison!"

"Actually, I was going to suggest Richardson," Richie joked.

Eddie gave Richie a playful shove on the arm. "We do need to decide on a name, though," he said seriously. "Especially if we want to personalize any of the decorations in his room."

They finished eating and got up to decorate their Christmakkah tree. Each ornament had been carefully chosen as a symbol of Richie & Eddie's relationship, including a microphone, a pair of rings, a tiny inhaler (a joke gift from Richie to Eddie) and their newest ornament, a personalized etched crystal with their names and wedding date.

After the ornaments were hung and Eddie had declared the tree perfect, they cleaned up their dishes and headed to bed, Richie dreaming of a dark-haired boy with his eyes and Eddie's smile.

#Richie x Eddie #Reddie #tcrf writes

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foomatic · 7 years ago

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It’s been two weeks since ClexaCon

and I think I’m finally collected enough to write about my experience. I have to break it down into highlights, or else we’ll be here all day, lol.

I was extremely grateful to be asked to be part of the team this year. You have no idea the amount of planning that goes into ClexaCon. You think you know, but you really don’t. It’s a testament to the drive and tenacity of the Con directors that ClexaCon is what it is. They learned a lot from 2017 and having a bigger team certainly helped navigate all the major and minor details of running a convention that in its second year has doubled in size.

Perhaps the most surprising thing for me on Thursday was the way everyone showed up for the two pre-con events we had planned: speed friending and the pool takeover. People were spilling out into the casino during the speed friending event, it was insane. And put a couple of inflatable rainbow unicorns in a pool and suddenly you have a queer pool party in full swing complete with awesome weather and every type of queer under the sun. It was such a gay oasis that one of the lifeguards pulled me aside (I had a staff badge on) to ask me what event was this for, because never had he seen so many queer women at the Tropicana pool. The best way I could explain ClexaCon was, “It’s like Comicon, but for queer women and allies.” He was pleasantly surprised and thought the whole thing was pretty cool.

I averaged 3 hours of sleep each night during the con. Call time was around 7:30 AM, and we didn’t get done until 8 or 9PM. There was very little downtime, and I think for each day my first meal, besides coffee in the morning, came around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. My first meal on Friday was courtesy of @weasal and @gramjams when I finally had a moment to see them on the vendor floor. They fed me beer, because obviously they love me. The hours were long, but at the end of every night, my friends and I managed to gather and decompress and reconnect after having a crazy day. it was much different than last year. Pretty much all of us had something going on during the con, so there were no opportunities for us to hang out and just enjoy ourselves as a group. We had gotten a two bedroom suite, so it was ample space for all of us to chill, relax, and a have a few drinks together. We made that time, late at night, to be together, even though we knew we had to get up hella early the next morning. And I’m glad we did, because we are such a tight-knit Kru, and it was hard not being able to spend the time with each other. @rialize , @puregloryandgore @colesmcgee @blakeyyang @second-stringer @metriosity @bnnxp @pandabearsnsquids y’all are the best homies ever. Also there’s more of us but they’re not all on tumblr, but they’re important tooooo.

Having the opportunity to film the guests backstage while they watched my vids made every sacrifice I made during the con worth it. I almost felt removed from myself during those moments, like I was so zoned in and focused on getting the shot that I couldn’t let myself really enjoy what was unfolding behind my eyes. I was hyped, don’t get me wrong, but subdued because when I was working behind the scenes during the times when the guests are away from the craziness of the con, I didn’t want to encroach on their moment of peace and start fangirling. That’s the trade-off. But seeing Isabella Gomez, Gloria Kellett, and Mike Royce shed tears watching my ODAAT vid; watching Dom tear up watching I’m On Fire and Kat placing a comforting arm around her waist; watching Emily, Tamara, Dom, and Kat crack jokes and smile during “Raise a Little Hell”; seeing Nafessa absolutely rock out to Run This Town watching herself kick ass on screen . . . these are fandom moments that I never even dreamed of because they were so out there and so unlikely to happen. But happen they did and man I don’t think I’ll ever come down off that high. Other fav BTS highlights: Sarah Shahi calling me out for wearing a WayHaught shirt to the Shoot Panel, and also dragging a fan backstage with us; seeing the pure joy on Nafessa’s face as we walked through the convention hall; filming Chyler Leigh as the crowd sang her happy birthday.

My fav con story, however, happened on Saturday. Around 3 PM the directors had ordered a massive Kentucky Fried Chicken meal for staff, and kept the food in the AV room. Staff filtered into the room in a rush to quickly eat and get back on the floor, so you can imagine what it must have looked like in there when they were done. KFC Armageddon. We were too busy to really clean up, so we just left the mess there for the end of the night, to clean up before we left. Around 5:30, there’s a knock on the door, and Lisa opens it to find Isabella Gomez and Gloria Kellett standing outside. We both froze and had a deer in headlights look, but apparently they were there to talk a staff member and wanted to come inside. Inside the room full of chicken bones, dirty napkins, and half eaten coleslaw and mashed potatoes. The room REEKED of KFC. We mumbled something about having to clean up before they could come in but they said they didn’t mind and wanted to see us in our “natural habitat” so Lisa let them in while @blakeyyang and I quickly tried to clean up the mess. They were so nice and gracious. Isabella was doing something with her phone (IG story or something) and Gloria smiled and asked how our day was going. They were really chill about being in there, so I took a chance and asked if I could get a photo with them, and they were so cool about it. I mentioned that I had made their panel video, and thanked them for ODAAT. Nothing but smiles from them, at the end of a really long day.

Saturday night was crazy (honestly was anything not crazy at this point during the con?). I left the AV room at 7PM to go to Cocktails for Change to film, left there at 8:30PM to help set up Ascension, finally got up to the room at 10:00PM for a quick shower and bite to eat and was back down at Ascension by 11:00PM. Filmed, drank, danced, went back up to our suite around 3 AM and don't remember anything after that except waking up the next morning in my PJs passed out on the floor next to my bed. Wild.

I don’t remember Sunday much. I did get my Kat and Dom photo op, they are such lovely ladies. I think at one point I was staring blankly at a computer screen, too tired to move or function. I was also feeling sad that it was over. There was a great deal of time tidying up and getting all our stuff organized for the movers the next day. By the time I left the AV room they had already torn down the Main Stage Panel room; it was as if we were never there. The vendor hall was full of bare tables, and I just stood there and took it in for a moment, to really let it sink in what we accomplished in those three days. That night we all just chilled and reminisced about all the things we enjoyed that weekend.

A friend and I shared a birthday on Monday. We kicked off the celebration by sleeping in until 10:30, then we visited the con floor one last time to make sure everything was loaded out properly, then we all went to Shake Shack and spent our first day outside in the sun since we had arrived there on Wednesday. It was glorious. We followed that with Dinner at Wicked Spoon and ended the night with a ride in the High Roller.

I feel like I haven't emotionally processed what the weekend meant to me, even now, two weeks later. Sometimes my heart feels so full thinking about it, that I want to cry. There is something to be said about being with your community, and knowing there is a tacit understanding and love for everyone there, even if you don't know who they are, because they are you, and you are them. I'm thankful for all of you who showed up, who believed in us our second year and helped make it a success. You guys made it all possible.

I also want to shout out to @bnnxp who is an amazing photographer and took a lot of the photos on this post. See you in London, then ClexaCon 2019!

#clexacon #clexacon 2018 #I feel so many things when I think back on that weekend

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emnightowl · 6 years ago

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My answer to Janine's first letter

Today is June 10, 2019 and it's been almost 5 months since day 1. And sometimes I caught myself asking "napapasaya ko parin ba siya o napapatawa?" Like the days full of laughters na nasabi niya noong im still trying to get her attention it's a challenge in my part because Janine is actually cold as ICE😂. So I must have that fire personality para hindi siya mabored at maging interested sa mga kacornyhan ko. Me thinking "cold as ice but in the right hands she melts" hahaha.

Just so you know when I crack some jokes to you I hope it will put a smile on your face. I want you to be happy but I want it more if I'm the reason behind that beautiful smile of yours. Even sometimes waley na hahaha.Hindi porket naka 100 percent na ako eh tumigil na ako because as time goes by it's already something i live for. I love it when we are teasing each other or making fun of each other. You will never know how much I'm trying my best to hide my kilig in public when we are talking 😂 or when I'm laughing out loud.i can't resist the way you make me feel and this the best version I have I'm happy not just happy I'm blessed!☺️💕

I'm happy that you appreciate my efforts since day 1 lalo Yung paharana noong Valentine's day hehe. A surprise that you will never forget and thats your first time to be treated the lady you are, as a gentleman you gotta know how to treat her like a lady. Even when she's acting crazy.😉😂☺️ I love you Janine 💕

Of course Janine I believe that I'm more than enough and I'm close to perfection (the best boyfriend someone can have) I'm pretty sure about it haha. Just what you told me before this characteristics I have maybe one reason why some girls are interested in me plus the factor that I'm a certified NGSB and I'm a well mannered guy treating everyone fairly and very gentleman sa mga babae. Impression matters right honey? Be proud Janine hahaha I'll be honest my kind of friendship to you is the " i want to marry you kind of friendship"💕

Time flies haha. Like we how you predicting what my future be like.

You told me you are one of the happiest when I meet my dream girl. Then be happy now hahaha. You're my dream girl honey Expect the unexpected 😉

Janine I know things will fall into it's places at the right time ehehe. And also you admit that you are exactly my girl version, my view in life and even on the attitude we both want the people around us happy 💕 thank you for letting me na manligaw ☺️ hahaha my goodness I'm speechless about this one. But honey just like you wala din sa isip ko magkajowa muna hehe Alam mo Naman reason ko diba? We both want to reach out goals let's be successful together 💕 Pero Janine Mahal na Mahal Kita I can wait naman.May pag-asa man o Wala, mahalin mo man ako o hindi,mamahalin at liligawan parin kita, then if you get to know me deeper and still not like me, I'd be man enough to accept rejection or wait a little longer, until I finally make your heart skip a beat.

And btw more years of friendship with you honey! hahaha we almost comfortable with each other the last time we spent the day together with Gelyn,Jessica, Rina and Edma. Btw I love your friends tooooo they are also amazing just like you. I love how energetic and supportive they are haha I can feel it Naman. Though nagkakahiyaan at first it all end well Naman. I miss them too. The way how I talk to Edma about about a topic we both in, the way Rina is energetic and the way she ask questions the excitement she has when she finally meet me in person and time management para SA kadenang ginto. The way Jessica ( isang) comfortable infront of me she can still say what she wants and it actually make me smile and laugh pag medyo beastmode and crack some funny updates pero in a good way. She's kinda amazing too and actually funny.Mahiyain pala si Gelyn pero really I love the way she smiles it's contagious haha and when I offer some snacks hindi siya naghesite gusto ko Yung ganun masakit kasi matanggihan haha. Napatawa naman nila ako noon so I can say they are one of the best ppl I've met. I'm so rare na natatawa kasi because I'm a cold hearted type yung parang walang pake pero masaya ako that day THANK YOU. LOOKING FORWARD FOR THE PART 2 SA ZENTEA HAHA FOOD IS LIFE. But I want to meet the other two Jane and Dianne right? Wala na ah Janine dami ko na bebe hahahhaha. Pero sila Naman nakasaksi sa surprise ko sayo na kahit ako Ang grumaduate ikaw sinusurprise ko. Sana oil diba😂💕 I'm closing this message in one word

"ALWAYS"

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abiteofnat · 7 years ago

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AVOCADON’T EVEN TELL ME ABOUT WHERE THERE IS GOOD GUAC…

Because last month in six days I ate Mexican food for dinner six times. That’s right, every single dinner somehow started with a big ole basket of tortilla chips and ended with greasy fingers and 3-6 tacos in my stomach. I think at one point I just began to expect that my night would end in rice and corn tortillas, and then it just kept happening…

Is this anywhere near a complaint? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Mexican is in my top three favorite categories of food, the other two being Italian and Mediterranean (but bagels always, always coming in first above all), and so I tend to be a harsh critic. There’s also different types of Mexican food: the traditional, authentic type that’s hard to find but life changing when you do, the 3 a.m. places that are the real reason we even go out in the first place so we can end up in front of a chimichanga of shame after a somewhat irritating house party, and then the nearly authentic kind that has a dash of flair added. I LOVE ‘EM ALL. Most of these will be a mix of the first and last kind, as everyone who knows me knows the only 3 a.m. place I frequent is Allende Restaurant even though everyone else is a Taco Burrito Palace bitch. That Allende rice and white tile walls; nothing will comfort you and your premature hangover quite like it. When your friend is crying over that fuckboy and your friend’s friend drank about six beers too many? Take them to Allende! Can’t cry when you’re choking on horchata!

I haven’t done a good taco roundup in a while and for a city that loovvesss margaritas as much as Chicago does it’s about time. How can I even write this after being up to my ears in salsa verde without wanting to throw up? IT WAS ALL JUST THAT GOOD. I’m living vicariously through my own memories from the past week and I am legitimately excited to write about these tacos.

HERE WE GO.

1. Adobo Grill

On any given menu, there’s about 10% of things I have no interest in eating. Add on the 80% I can’t actually eat due to being vegetarian, and that leaves 10% of a menu that is up for grabs. The fact that the happy hour taco offered the night we went to Adobo Grill was one of the most astounding tacos I’ve ever had literally blows my mind- what! are! the! odds! For $2 a piece you could assume that it’s going to be chicken, beef, or some odd mixture because at Adobo the taco platters come in sets of three tacos with rice and beans for $15-19 so why would they give the good stuff for cheap… AND INSTEAD IT WAS A LUCIOUS FISH TACO, GRILLED TO GOLDEN PERFECTION. Topped with pico de gallo and spicy mayo sauce? Add in some of their fresh to death guac and a little spicy red salsa? It was almost tooooo good. The single corn tortilla held up beautifully against the moist, meaty fish and they did not skimp on anything even though it was 5:30 p.m. and happy hour drinks were flowing and the restaurant could have really taken advantage of that. These tacos have not left my mind, or my heart…

Another thing so wonderful about this place: the patio! It’s open and covered in tasteful twinkle lights, with the giant mural (pictured) of a happy skeleton man a and some flowers that play off the orange and purple hues of the decor. To sit outside right across from Second City (great date night all in one city block!) and sip a Modelo pretty much means fucking euphoria, and then add in guac that actually tastes like guac and not avocado slime? KABOOM. As much as I want to say all guac is good guac Adobo puts a lot of places to shame (cough cough Chipotle how the frick is that shit celebrated so widely) and gives you a TON of incredible guac for $9. Chip score: 8/10. Guac score: 10/10. Vibes: 10/10.

Insider scoop: Go for happy hour until 6 p.m., splurge for guac, add the salsa to everything, and order a side of plantains with sour cream. Never had plantains before? This is the perfect place to just trust the food blogger and go for it because you will DIE OVER THEM.

2. Big Star

BIG STAR IS MY KING, QUEEN, AND THE ENTIRE KINGDOM. If you live in Chicago, and it is above freeze-my-nuts-off temperature, it is patio weather and any restaurant that puts 2 chairs and a table out front will be considered a patio destination. Like Adobo (but even better) Big Star goes above and beyond as it’s a mainly-patio restaurant, with bulb lights lights above every stainless steel table and the warmest, most inviting outdoor seating there is once the sun goes down. You can watch the people, see some street art, watch the Blue Line zoom by, and walk to Stan’s Donuts for a wide array of treats afterward (aka a blueberry cheese danish, YUMBO).

Located in Wicker Park, a very artsy n’ cute section of Chicago that’s a bit more on the ~trendy~ side since lots of blogged about restaurants have opened up, Big Star offers tacos a la carte and the best chips and guacamole on that side of the highway. I have gone for the past two years close to my birthday to celebrate because the pitchers are insanely alcoholic and also delicious, serving about 6 glasses in each pitcher. With one marg being $9 and a pitcher being $36, it is an absolute steal and even if only two people are at the table it is worth the high price tag. Best part is that the pitcher comes with a wooden ladle which adds to the vibe of Big Star, but is also hilarious to stir your vat of tequila and juice with. Like witch’s potion, but probably even more dangerous!

Once everyone is seated and with drink, it’s time for the poor waiter to scream over everyone to take the order. While Big Star is mostly outside, it’s verryyyyy loud due to the sheer amount of people and the music pumping from the inside section that leaves the doors/ windows wide open. We were seated near the window and with a group of ten, it was one of those nights that leaves your voice hoarse and your ears ringing but feeling like you had a good as heck time! My favorite vegetarian tacos are the:

- Taco de Zananhorias: try ordering that when you do not speak Spanish and are two margs deep! This taco is the best yet overlooked one on the menu, featuring spiced cooked carrots that are savory and still have a crunch to them, pumpkin seeds for flavor and texture, and an incredible spicy date & yogurt dressing that offers a chipotle kick to offset the sweetness of the carrots and the dates. Wrapped in a corn tortilla, this taco is actually a filling veggie taco that doesn’t just taste like red peppers topped in guac! Which is like 99% of most vegetarian tacos! The flavors in this are worth more than $2.50 a pop, which is what it will cost you.

- Taco de Pescado: Your typical and delicious fried tilapia taco! Beer battered and with the expected crunch of cabbage, top with some line for a perfect fish taco. This is a good standby if you’re weary of the more creative ones.

- THE WALKING TACO: Most of the table ordered this one! It’s a DAMN fever dream to eat! Let me preface by saying honey BBQ twist Fritos are my most coveted, most guilty snack that I find myself eating far too often and usually when I’m having a flip off the universe and treat yourself moment. So take the trusted, panty-dropping crunch of the Frito and then add buffalo sauce, beans, cheese, crema, and cilantro? STILL IN THE SNACK SIZE FRITO BAG? AND YOU EAT IT ALL WITH A FORK? FUCKIN NUTS GUYS. I know for a fact this stretches the authentic “Mexican food” title, but man that was a great business decision to include it. Once a year, as a birthday treat, the Walking Taco is my bitch.

Shoutout to Big Star, the ideal location for any event that needs tequila.

3. Garcia’s Restaurant

Garcia’s feels like home due to the amount of times a meal there has included the same group of close friends, emotional conversations about sorority stuff, and late night escapes from boys that don’t understand when they’re ridiculous, we will go get mole and strawberry daiquiris instead of dealing with them. While I have no photos to share, I do have memories and the assurance that this place is truly authentic. From the large wooden chairs to the flags on the wall, atmosphere lacks but the food is absolutely incredible. I always order the Cheese Enchiladas with mole poblano on top, and it is the real mole that makes you warm from the inside out. It’s thick with notes of cocoa, spices, and not too sweet- almost bittersweet in fact, and with the pull of cheese inside chewy tortillas all rolled up underneath it is a rare find indeed.

The chips & salsa take the cake in my book; they’re perfectly crispy and not greasy, and the salsa will make your eyes water but then before you know it your face is soaking wet because you ate ALL OF THE SALSA ANYWAY. Hurts so good, you know?

And as mentioned the strawberry daiquiri is DOPE DOPE DOPE. Huge for the price, sweet and sugary with all the spicy food, and perfect for late night gossip. Or pregaming, either one.

4. Taco Diablo

An Evanston favorite! The OG Taco Diablo opened a few years ago and was an instant hit in the North Shore as it was a dark, intimate den of Mexican food, a place for casual drinks, and coated in sugar skull paintings and weird demonic creatures dancing around the bar area. Given the logo has little devils in it, it’s fitting that here they take a sultry, somewhat naughty approach to decor and food. We went once or twice a week and craved their guac that has a very specific lime & garlic undertone to it in the best way guac ever could, and the baskets of thin chips with rock salt sprinkled on the sides.

No one was prepared for the morning we woke up and Beloved Taco Diablo had burned down, along with it’s neighboring restaurant Pine Yard. Needless to say, everyone was SHOOK and really genuinely upset that this tragedy struck such loved, run-by-good-people places. So then even more was no one prepared when the ashes were burried and from them rose A NEW TACO DIABO RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET! The owners of this cantina and the conjoining (long time closed) Asian-influence restaurant Lulu’s bought a double lot across the street and just went gung-ho on giving Evanston two of their favorite places back, which was like Christmas 100x over. The tacos from Taco Diablo AND the sesame peanut noodles from Lulu’s??? Next door??? HECKIN’ YES. I have literally downed a -very strong- marg with friends at Taco Diablo and then placed an order for the noodles to go to enjoy later in bed, and if that’s not employing DEMAND AND SUPPLY IDK WHAT IS.

Go here for dinner with friends, a second date or a weekly drink date, and to sample every fucking thing on the menu. Especially the chilaquiles!!!

5. Depot Nuevo

This one is hardest to type because we adore it, cherish it, crave it, owe many years of our lives to it way too much and in fact I will be here this week a couple times already. Depot graced our lives many moons ago in Wilmette and quickly became the neighborhood hub, as it’s downtown and in a real, separate house with a wraparound porch and the same smiling faces greeting you every single time. The menu offers your typical Mexican favorites such as tacos, fajitas, burritos + bowls, and of course guac and salsa, but with a slightly more upscale twist in a casual yet good-enough-for-a-life-event setting. The shrimp taco filled with crispy grilled shrimp, spicy crema, and actual slices of avocado are in my list of favorite foods in the entire world, but order the cheese quesadilla with a side of avocado and rice and holy frickle frackle you will never see quesadillas as a children’s food again. The cheese is juicy, chewy, stretchy, buttery, everything you could imagine and more. House-made corn tortillas and red salsa are impossible to describe, and the pomegranate margarita is the sweet n’ sour necessity to the meal that will linger in your mind for days afterward until you go back.

Don’t brush it off because it’s in the quiet and sleepy suburbs. It is constantly busy, turnt, and I promise people in my friend group will be there heckling the staff and demanding elite service because we keep them in business. I THANK AND APPRECIATE YOUR WORK, DEPOT!

That’s all I’ve got for you today friends, I hope this helps shape some weekend plans and gives you some new happy hour spots! What are your favorite Mexican restaurants?? Always looking for new places!

-Natalie

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kpsandlcs · 8 years ago

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Tour

3/2 - Drive To Columbus

I get off work and Aaron and I grab the van. At first look, surely it will fit everything...it has to. Aaron never falters in reassuring that things will work. In his mind, they always will. It helps. We get to Aaron’s and start loading. It’s gonna be tight, but we do what we can. We arrive to get Peter and he’s got many items. How the hell is this gonna work.

“Did you use the stowaway yet?”

What the hell is that? He says nothing and starts opening a hidden compartment underneath the feet of the back seats. Woah. We load that up and sure enough, we’re golden. Off to pick up Gabe. I’m in the driver’s seat feeling the immense weight of a fuckload of gear and 3 people in the car and am skeptical this thing will get us around.

We get Gabe and start going to Columbus. Another human’s weight. Aaron can’t guess Grizzly Bear’s Veckatimest until “2 Weeks” comes on, which is alright. We kill about an hour as I tell them what my day job really is.

“Isn’t it crazy that for the average user, credit card companies are just capitalizing on my money YOU ALREADY OWN?”

It’s a fucking dastardly-ass scheme.

We get 1.5 hours from Columbus and have enough gas to get home when Gabe says

“Are we gonna be stopping again?”

“No way! We have enough gas and it’s like 1am”

“Ahhh….ummmm I maaaay have tooooo ahhhh Urinate-oooo”

This becomes a theme. But the goofy and pleading delivery was too funny for me to not reward.

We arrive at the Hampton inn and the check-in person was like “y’just made it. Was about to be gone for a few hours.” We’re tired as fuck. We get to our room and fall asleep.

3/3 - To Ithaca

Tonight is our first show in Ithaca. I slept like shit. Peter woke up an hour early to fucking work out. We get a scrappy breakfast from the lobby and Aaron hands me a tea bag that says “I Love Lemon” on it.

“It’s a love letter.”

We get going. It’s icy and Ohio-y. Aaron is driving, which I’m glad for. Right as we get on the highway, Peter says

“Would anyone care for a gorp?”

That = grape.

We spend the ride trading the aux cable and me trying to sleep. We get to a patch of snow which makes me hella nervous but, again, Aaron doesn’t give a fuck. We stop in an upstate NY town that I forget the name of, but was classically upstate...one of those “main street” type towns. We get to a rest stop and this place was crazy...cracked stone floors and a grocery area in the back that had a lot of offerings, but seemingly just spilled out into the back storage/trash area, where there were relics of the distant past everywhere...cardboard cut outs, random furniture...separating the front and the back was an archway, and above it was an old “video rental” sign, but like all wooden and bulky, and dusty as fuck...It was like walking into an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese, or something. Super unsettling.

We arrive in Ithaca and it’s all twilighty and pale pink sky and all that. We hit Wegman’s quick for dinner and Gabe talks about how the prices have doubled since he used to work there during high school. Peter roams around trying to find something to eat, because he’s on Whole 30. Perfect timing!

We get to the venue and start loading in. My keyboard stand “breaks.” Duct tape. (I later learn that all I needed was an allen wrench). I have a lot of history in this area - life changing concerts, day trips, hikes, food, sad escapes, past loves. I change into my Dan Deacon sweater which feels fitting. I’m dazed with a lack of sleep. My friend from Binghamton comes with a whole crew, which is much appreciated. The room fills up for the openers, which are intriguing experimental solo projects. Some college friends show up last minute before we start. The set was solid, but we ran into some sound issues and had to cut a lot of songs. I think we did alright, and people dug it. The whole crowd was intently watching, and laughing at every slight banterous comment I made. It felt like they were legit waiting to hear me all week.

I note that one of the songs I play is about someone in the room, but I had yet to see her.

I go to sell merch. My college friends who I haven’t seen in 6 months - didn’t really get to relax with them, as we need to tear down shortly after, and not to mention it’s late and they gotta get to their place too. This ends up being what always happens - tour is work. There are not many free moments outside of the car.

Someone asks me to sign their CD, a friend reveals she’s been listening to my EP on repeat, and someone nervously compliments me and mentions the music video. Woah.

It’s time to tear down so we have to go down these narrow stairs with everything and load our van which is in an alley and has the neighboring bar employees yelling at us to leave. We can’t get the damn van packed, though. It’s being a bitch. We finally get it after much stress.

Peter and I split off to get to the place we’re staying, which is the house of someone I know who is not there. Thusly, we don’t know his roommates. We park semi far away and lug heavy shit to the door. Knock. Nothing. Call my friend. Nothing. I knock on the door of the lower apartment and get a helpful young dude, who says I should just go right in. So I do. There is a dude standing atop the stairs looking confused.

“Hey, I’m Jesse - Does Remanu live here?”

“Uh….”

Someone else comes by.

“Hey, um, hi, what the hell is this? Why are you knocking at 11 and just coming right into our house? We don’t know you? What are you doing?”

Tired as fuck, nervous, and already shaken up, I just start stumbling to explain myself before he cuts me off-

“OH I’M JUST KIDDING WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE GET ON UP HERE! MI CASA ES SU CASA”

Wow.

We get upstairs and start unloading when a tenant starts enthusiastically talking to me.

“I was at the show! It was so cool!! It seems like you have a great following!”

Nope - just had an alright crowd that Ithaca Underground is good at catering to. But I learn that the narrative spawned by things like this is as good as your image, whether or not the story’s there.

The house is classically Ithacan. “Free condoms” jar in the bathroom. Plants everywhere. Tribal woodworking on the walls. “Capitalism is a pyramid scheme” poster on the wall. Welcoming attitude.

As Peter and I lay on the air mattress, I say

“I’m glad this is your first experience here, because this house is literally an Ithaca museum.”

3/4 - Ithaca -> Syracuse

I wake up to the view of snow lightly falling, and it was unusual how fearful I became of it as it took new meaning for this trip where I am underprepared and need to travel hundreds of miles. This is obviously at odds with my initial delight and feelings of home - Tennessee certainly has weakened my capacity for snow and the cold - making me a creature I swore I’d never become.

I’m off to meet an old friend for brunch -

“Hi so I am house sitting as well as dog sitting and the heat is broken and the dog is shivering, so I can’t leave him here. But also it’s not really comfortable to be at this house because it’s cold. So why don’t I take the dog to my house and we can make breakfast? But I don’t have eggs. So how about you get eggs on the way? But also I don’t really have coffee. So maybe you should also get coffee on the way?”

This is exactly what happens.

I set out in my fucking boat shoes (glorified socks) in inches of snow and am slipping all the way down the front stairs of the mysterious house. I finally get my bearings and am greeted to the classic Ithaca - the same open minded and welcoming place that it never fails to be. A man snow blowing says good morning. Students mill about. I stop in the Green Star which is a fair trade sort of grocery store. I help a delivery man get his stock cart into the store. “Thank ye much, sir.” I get my coffee and local eggs. I arrive at my friend’s house. She pulls up in a car and leads out a tiny dog wrapped in a red sweater. Holy fuck.

We go upstairs and after undressing the dog he immediately curls up in the sunlight of the window.

“His name is Peabody.”

WHAT

We go to the kitchen to make pancakes and eggs and get to talking about basically what happened over the past 6 years and how we’ve both felt a lot of damage and successes and how different we are now.

“Why weren’t you at the show? I played a song about you.”

“Well. I was curled up with Peabody because it was so cold last night, and we were watching TV, and…I fell asleep. And then I woke up at 9pm being like “fuck, there’s no way I can make it now.”

The song is called “Asleep.”

“You can hold this over me for like 1.5 years, it’s warranted.”

The thing is I wrote a whole album about this person in 2012 and I spent that last 5 years trying to get her to listen to it, and she wouldn’t.

Breakfast is delish, and we reminisce a lot about what it was like dating each other long ago. It’s really something how unprepared and ignorant I was at the time, but this is something I already have severely grappled with. It’s really quite good to have such an uninhibited conversation with someone so key to your life/past. It’s like being able to revisit era-specific weaknesses and moments in a tactile way.

Peter comes to pick me up in the van. I ask if he wants to meet Peabody. He says yeah, but doesn’t like small dogs. Whatever…

She hugs me bye. Peter and I go to pick up Gabe.

“What’s the best way to Syracuse?”

“Through Cortland. It’s like a place where everybody’s aggressively trying to mate with each other.”

Me: “And they’re all judges.”

Peter: “And they all love tennis.”

“Yeah. It’s a city of court judges courting each other on tennis courts.”

We get to Syracuse and my college friends await me. We go to armory square and snack/drink. Our waitress is a girl I TA’d 3 years ago. Insane.

We go back to my friend Jay’s apartment, which is where I stayed during that whole Utica deal last september. It feels similar, which is awesome. We’re drinking beer and eating burritos and laughing really hard. It’s time to load in down the street, so we get going.

The room is small, but works, and the crowd is paying a lot of attention. Show goes really great, especially with Jay on back-up vocals. I step outside to hang with my college friends. My one friend who’s helped direct the art of most of my past albums all of a sudden realizes that I just played next door to The Westcott theater, where he and I saw Reptar, Rubblebucket, and most importantly - Dirty Projectors.

“Shit, this is the Westcott? It’s been here the whole time?”

He gets wrecked realizing that we’ve literally been sharing a wall with one of the most important spots of our friendship and artistic development. All of those concerts rocked our worlds.

Peter and Gabe split off to Jay’s, Aaron and I split off to his house. On the way over, we talk about how touring is a real test of teamwork, and every bullshit ‘training’ and ‘seminar’ in school and jobs has never offered a real application of those skills such as it has been.

3/5 - Sunday in Binghamton

Wake up to a good ol’ family breakfast at Aaron’s. Peter and Gabe join shortly after. We eat and decompress before heading down to Binghamton. Snowy and sunny, it feels Hella Home-y. We arrive in Binghamton and hell is it dreary/sad. Everything is dulled, everything is grey, and it feels like nobody's around. We catch up with Eddie, who is hosting the show at his house, which is actually a commune that holds classes, dinners, and is a general stayover for nomadic types that need it. He leads us to the loft above ihs garage where we will play...it’s really nice. Wall outlets all over the place, nice carpeting. We load in early so all we have to do is set up, night of.

I drop off Peter and Aaron at Cyber West to get work done - Gabe and I drive to Target to get a “Quickie Blank Blank?” and pizza at Mario’s, listening to rap on the way obviously. I ran into a family friend in Target. Talk to the new owner of Mario’s while eating real pizza...Nashville pizza...just no.

We grab some beer and the Cyber boys and get to Eddie’s and set up.

“Hey, if no one shows up, we can just chill with some wine.”

But people DO show up. 35 to be exact. 35 people came to this weird garage hippie loft to see us play on a depressing as icy Binghamton Sunday night while the DORMS ARE CLOSED. It felt like a weird judgment day, where various people from pockets of my past all congregated in agreement. I knew everyone, but most didn’t know each other. I actually made a ton of money on merch that night. I spent like 40 minutes talking to everyone before they cut away. Shortly after, a member of the collective (the house) comes up to the now empty room, and says

“Gentlemen.”

He procures a small white rod.

“The band spliff.”

We all look at each other. None of us, at this point, have been keeping up with smoking in our lives.

“I’m sorry dude, we’re all too nerdy and responsible to partake.”

“Seriously? Really? Even for the road?”

“Ah...I can’t keep it in the van, it’s a rental. I feel terrible man. We’re all too lame and nerdy. But I realize this is considered GOLD to many a band. Thank you so much.”

We were too fucking responsible to smoke weed on tour.

After the show Eddie shows us his surprisingly sophisticated mushroom farm, which is essentially falling apart as he explains it to us. But, nothing he can’t control, nothing he hasn’t seen before, and nothing he can’t patch up.

On the way out, everyone in the living room is warm. Eddie and I chat about his future plans and current evaluation of self as we lock the door to the loft. The band and I head to my former neighbor’s house to have a v comfy night of sleep.

3/6 - New Yolk

We get up and cut down to Manni’s, which is in the square of the neighborhood I grew up in. Fresh made donuts, EVERY day. We get a half dozen of all sorts of flavors and Gabe and Aaron and I split them all, savoring every detail as Peter drove and probably gritted his teeth knowing Whole 30 would keep him from this hometown DELIGHT.

We have a long conversation about respect, friendships, dating, and these 3 boys really bolster my self confidence and self-respect.

As we get closer to the city:

Peter: “Alright man. Start playing like, New York songs.”

Peter: “Like Empire State of Mind and Billy Joel and stuff.”

Peter: “Someone honked!! *HONKS* Hey fuck you!! ...I love this city.”

We get a perfect spot for load in. We all split off to see respective people. I eat edamame/avocado toast in an assuming brooklyn cafe, and drink an americano.

Jay, from Syracuse earlier, comes to meet me. We post up in one of his favorite taprooms in Bushwick. We catch up on lots of things, musical and life-wise. An old mutual friend and continued collaborator shows up-he’s been engineering the Modern Instincts songs. Revelry continues.

We make our way to a vegan diner and the conversations continue.

“Yeah, well really spot mic-ing a quartet, it’s more there for body and leveling purposes, but the overheads dominate that tone, really”

Jay’s gonna sing tonight again.

We start loading in and MUAH this venue is everything I dream of playing. The front bar is golden, ornate. The stage is fairly elevated, and the wall behind is plastered in clippings of ANY kind - news, or softcore porn. When the wall stops, an industrious black guard railing protects the open end of the stage. Skeeball machines, photo booth. The sound guy is so easy to work with, and so good.

The place starts packing, and soon enough I’m looking out to a huge room of people - we fucking DESTROYED that place. We play our last song - Thinking In English (an old one,) which is easily the peak of the set. Enormous cheer. The mains start playing change-over music, when we start to hear ‘BA-SIC PRIN-TER *clap, clap, clapclapclap’, and the sound guy lowers the main. A fucking encore. On our first tour.

We don’t have another song, and we need to give the time to Quail Turret. But damn, that was the best.

I spend the rest of the night loving all of my friends, selling merch. I settle up with everyone - the booker is nice as hell. The sound guy said we were of the top tier bands he’s seen in his 1.5 years working there. The door girl asks if we need a place to stay. Man, what a success.

Peter and I head to my friend’s house and we settle in to sleep on his floor. I count the money from the past 4 days and look through the pictures so far. Never felt so cozy on a couch before.

3/7 - Philly

Rainy in Brooklyn. Peter and I solve a puzzle of getting the van, going up and down 4 flights with different heavy things, and making sure the auto-locking door doesn’t fuck up our whole charade while loading.

We get the other boys and get a ways out of the city before stopping in one of those ‘all in one’ rest stops. Coffee and chapstick. We congregate at the front doors on our way out.

Peter: “This would be a good place to buy a watch.”

I turn my eyes to see a tiny glass case with your typical array of luxury brand watches. Armani, Rolex. I look at Peter. His face is totally normal.

Aaron and I have always done this thing, but it got exacerbated on this tour, where we would misread signs with liberal exaggeration on the syllables.

Mcdonalds, Subway, Sbarro.

“Look, this stop has MOME-DONSON, a SRABAWOONI, and a SUH-BARRR AR AR ARHHH AH...:”

We drive to Philly. I put on Swing Lo Magellan because it’s warming up. We talk about musicianship. We talk about musicianship every car ride, and it’s amazing how much it evolves day to day for me, because I learn so much every day.

We drop Aaron and Peter off to do work/meet up with family, while Gabe and I go to get Cheesesteaks. Gabe does NOT pull his pants down. We wander into a bar that I realize I tried to book to pee. We get cash, and cheesesteaks, and laugh. Then we get blindsided by an ice cream craving. So we go near Fishtown and get icecream.

And then we go to this record store which is hella sad. I go to the back, and it’s all dusty and yellow. Though, I do find a Kyle Fisher record which I thought was super weird. It was like, new, amidst all of the standard used-record leftovers you always find. It kinda made me sadder.

Some pretty good music is on, like this really tasteful blend of 70’s psych americana stuff, like that smoky Doors stuff or the more stoic Beatles moments like Norwegian Wood. I talked to guy at the desk, and he told me who it was, but I already forgot. But he had a lot of real things to say about it, and clearly cared a ton, which lightened it up for me.

Gabe and I step outside and I ask him if he was bummed out at all? Tour downtime felt really stale to me. You get to this city you barely know and feel incredibly small all of a sudden, and then I guess the massive drop in relative energy it causes can put the lowlights on display.

Gabe: “Not really, I dunno dude. You’re depressing me!”

Paraphrased, and he says it with a flimsiness - he’s perfect for keeping the tour light and funny.

We get to the venue and start to load in. Up some narrow ass stairs...get to the venue. Tiny, all wooden. Wooden everything. The sound guy is a BAID-ACE (badass). Extremely positive, efficient, helpful, quick. There’s nowhere to store gear in this place. We’re basically shoving all of this shit in this 1 x12 foot (no joke) space behind the DJ booth. Which is literally the worst case scenario for gear storage.

One artist is Skeleton Lipstick - a delirious electro boy. I talk to him and ask him if he likes Tobacco, whilst in my Tobacco shirt. He does love Tobacco. We reference interviews we’ve read.

Stage is tiny, but we fit alright, and I kinda liked the feel of it.

Sound guy - “I’ll letcha know when you’ve got two left!”

Oh yeah, the person we’re staying with - she’s the inspiration for one of my songs. She shows up as we play our first tune. We get to this part where we do a transition between two songs. After the second, sound guy lets us know we have just one left. I play the song about her to close it. The songs ends in a fully distorted 1 minute synth solo, then just cuts off.

“I wanted to let you know you had two, but you jumped right into your next one!” It’s okay, sound guy. You were awesome.

We load out, which sucks. I meet up with namesake girl, and our mutual friend. She doesn’t appear to know what to say, which is fair. If someone showed up to my town to blast a dramatic orchestral synth-ballad with my name as the chorus in my face, I wouldn’t know what to do, especially in front of my friends who might not know the whole story. We’re sleeping at her place later.

The final band plays, and Gabe and I drink our discounted PBRs. I get barely tipsy and he asks if I’m drunk. For the tour, probably the drunkest I’d been, which is ‘not that.’

The really dickish door guy comes up to settle with me. Gives me this nicely written breakdown, and the payout, which is honestly not so bad. But the production fee was mega high, mostly to include the ‘promoter.’ Promoter? The guy that made the FB event page? I’m thinking so. Hella side eye.

We get outta there and get to the place we’re staying. Namesake girl comes out to help us in. She lives above like, an ethnic gift shop, I believe. Maybe it was a tattoo parlor. I forget, but it was a kitschy place of business. And in a way, you had to like enter the business to get to the stairs that lead to her place.

We get up there and we’re all sitting around and visiting for a moment, which is nice. It hadn’t happened too often at our overnights yet, so it was cool to actually have a moment of hanging out. We tell stories. No one talks about the show.

The girls turn in upstairs, and the band and I are all laying down for bed now. At this point we started doing this thing. There’s this band we played with a long while back called Noelle Tannen and the Filthy No-Nos. At the time, I kept forgetting the latter half of the name, so I picked a random filler. Like Noelle Tannen and the Green Tigers, or something. So I brought it up, and we started doing it again, for like an hour. It devolved into this super weird place.

Noelle Tannen and the stupid idiot morons.

Noelle Tannen and a couple of chairs.

Noelle Tannen and that 5th pocket they advertise on jeans, that you’re like, where the hell is it? And then you realize it’s the little pocket made for keys or whatever INSIDE of the main right pocket

So like it’s Noelle Tannen but, you walk in and there’s a huge draft and you realize you forgot to wear socks, so you put some on and it’s a bit better.

3/8 D-Ceptive

We wake up. More Noelle Tannen for like an hour. We gather our shit, and shower. I neaten up the blankets and put a note on it

“Thanks so much for letting 4 weird boys stay. Let us know if we can ever help in Nashville. Good luck with flipping cigarettes and jet lag.”

Texts,

“I hope it was more good than weird to hear a song about you.”

“Definitely a first. But good”

We stop at this cafe which is surprisingly good. I feel my throat starting to get scratchy. We talk about Aldi. Also, prior, we went into an Aldi and were like what the fuck, EVERYTHING is a knock off...and the graphic design is SO close to the original.

We get the hell outta Philly. We get 30 minutes from DC when Gabe has to pee. We pull off. First gas station we go to has no bathroom. We got to the 7/11. No bathroom. Where the hell does anyone URINATE on this street, then? We go to the McDonald’s up the street. Gabe gets a full big mac combo. He’s also been driving. Aaron makes a joke so funny that I drop my keys in the McDonalds.

We go to a suburb north of DC, and it’s amazing how robust and corporate even this suburb feels. Still plenty of tall buildings. We catch up with one of Gabe’s best friends, who’s now living here. When he has to go, Gabe and I explore a bit while Peter and Aaron do work. Metallic silver ball installation art. We come across this brewery and get a pseudo dinner and beers. Spice Girls comes on...Gabe and I have our longest heart to heart yet.

Additionally, 3/8/2017 will be forever known as Ass Wednesday.

My throat is still scratchy and I’m getting mucusy. Fuck. I have 3 more days to sing.

We reconvene, I’m feeling like Philly again, except this one’s weirder. DC’s vibe is so strange. Philly felt like, at least dingy and like you could grab hold of some of it. DC just felt like, immovable. Impossible to influence.

We get to the venue which is this teensy cramped slab inside of this bustling strip. There’s a neon sign they don’t light at any point. More narrow ass stairs. We get to the top and it is tiny - stage is an alright size, though...it’s dirty as fuck, there’s stickers everywhere. And it’s DARK as hell. It’s hard to make out anything a few feet in front of you - like the merch for example. Not that anyone’s buying. The sound guy - I can barely understand what he’s saying. I get none of the information I need without my deliberate asking. Weird to me.

The opening band plays and they were dope as hell! And they liked us a lot too. At least we got them out of this night. I hope to stay in touch with them.

It’s clear no one’s really gonna show. I ended up drawing 6 people though, which is honestly a lot! And originally it was going to be 8, but two couldn’t make it. That’s a lot more than my Philly draw. It’s a shame that the night had to be such a dud, because I felt I pulled my weight.

Peter’s amp light wouldn’t turn on, my keyboard died towards the end of the set, and my throat was scratchy. We did all right. Tear down is a bitch because we can’t see anything.

The sound guy has to ask me to tell the sound guy he’s ready to cash out. Lotta self efficacy, here. I go up and he’s legitimately laying down on his back...for real, no one could be bothered.

$10!

We get to my friend’s where we’re staying...parking is a major bitch. Crowded as hale. It’s nice to see my friend again, and we talk about Dirty Projectors and Delicate Steve.

3/9 - Long Drive To Sanctuary

We get up early because my friend has to catch a bus. We gather our shit and are all carrying respective piles of that shit down a block and a half to the van...7 hour drive ahead of us. My only stipulation is that we listen to Bitte Orca, because it’s sunnier than when I put on Swing Lo Magellan. To me that’s obviously how it goes.

As we exit DC, I see it in this totally different light...Regal. Robust. Shining, golden! Ornate. It’s all cramped, and there’s all this architecture, and all these embassies all lined up and neighboring each other, flags everywhere...as we leave, we cross an enormous white bridge, passing elegant statues. It was quite the changeup.

We stop at a Wegman’s in Woodbrige, which is contained in this shopping center, which felt so odd...sterile...like the buildings were just a little too big, and too clean - too separated from humanity. And the way the sun shone on everything, it was like a page from one of those I Spy books. This is something I think about all the fucking time and severely colors my mind, so the I Spy thing makes a ton of sense to me. Would love to know if you get what I mean, here.

We get going to Charlotte, and yes, put on Bitte Orca - we also listen to a ton of Flying Lotus, the new Thundercat, and Hiatus Coyote.

We arrive at my parent’s town house, which is in a development. We sit on the couches as a golden sunlight peers through the main window, and I think we all felt pretty tranquil.

We FEAST at Mario’s.

We get to the venue, which is definitely the diviest one yet. It’s just a scant bar with some rugs in the corner and a PA. Hella broken tiles outside the bathroom.

The opener cancels 15 minutes after he was supposed to show. Yeah. Quail Turret’s filling in.

The second band plays, I booked them because I was really diggin their album. They brought a handful of people that stood right around the perimeter of their setup and lightly head-nodded, which I thought was neat. They were good too.

We played to a bunch of my family, which is always weird. I cut the song Ironface out because I thought it would be too slow/emotional for them. E-Slow-Tional.

Door girl pays out really well! And the sound guy takes a new excitement when he says “Hey guys, definitely hit us up if you want to do it again!”

...we probs won’t

3/10 - End

We stir awake. Dad makes huge breakfast...so good. We hang out with my fam a bit, and I feel like I’m too listless to connect. It’s been a theme lately, but I guess I’ve always kind of been like that, too.

We hit Mario’s before we head to Hendersonville to get like, 3 pizzas, a salad, espressos and San Pellegrinos to go. Yeah. My dad gives us all a tour of the massive kitchen. I step out of the back door for a sec while the other guys are checking it out. I’m in like the trash room outside basically, which has an open ceiling...sun is leaking in over the edges. Thing about driving and sleeping in close quarters with 3 dudes all the time is that you don’t realize that you’ve literally had no alone time for days and days.

We get going to Hendersonville.

“What kind of heavy shit do you like?”

I put on Treats by Sleigh Bells.

We get to Hendersonville, and it’s this adorable little one road mountain town. We stop in this music store, which Peter gets willingly stuck in as he talks guitars with the old dudes. Aaron and Gabe and I come across a timbale which was hilarious to us for reasons too stupid and long to explain.

We find the coffee place we’re playing in, and it’s really cool. The point person let us know the deal and pretty much said it was gonna be dead tonight, but we could do whatever we want and call it a night an hour early.

We set up, which takes a while

“Woah...you guys have a lot of gear.”

The thing about this show is that I told the booker we were like a full out band, and he was all -yeah yeah, do you want this show or not?

We set up and it is EMPTY. I drink a free white russian and eventually a high end wine. We end up just chilling and drinking fancy teas/coffees/alcohol as per show payment. We play all of the BP songs either like half as loud or half as fast...it was pretty trippy to try out.

“Man, I’m sorry we didn’t bring anyone out. What did you guys agree on for payment over the email?”

I tell him.

“Oh….”

“What, is that way too high?”

“No, way too low…”

He pays us extra, and buys a tank top. We end up making more than philly and DC combined. How ironic that this little coffee shop in the middle of nowhere is the place that believes it’s up to THEM to bring out people...any other venue proper is pretty dickishly strict about saying “the only reason people come is if you bring people out, so all promotion is on you.” Lot of merit to the ideology, and also a lot of bullshit...if you own a venue, it’s also up to you to make sure you get some business, if you want to stay open.

We have a long drive through the night to get to Nashville, and Peter asks me what’s next for BP. So we talk about it for like 1.5 hours and it’s super energizing, and amazing how new my perspective has become on music in the past week.

I don’t think an illustrious ending is needed here. Tired and agitated, we rush the fuck home and drop everyone off.

Thanks for reading, please feel free to reach out to me.

#tour #journal #retrospective #music #indie

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