#the way I romanticise my traumatic childhood is crazy but I loved it because my siblings are my best friends and I miss them 🥲

[gentlesounds]

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[eshithepetty]

Sorry, long rant incoming that's also partly a meta, I kinda started with the first paragraph and just went off the rails. Tw for discussion of mental illness and trauma, mentions of abuse, and just negativity in general:

(Also, I don't mean to come off as policing about the kind of content people create, I'm not an authority figure or anything, but I just had to let out my personal feelings about this ig)

Anybody else kinda peeved by how much 'edgy' Steven fan content there is now after SUF? And I say edgy because it's like... content that's him being violent or overly clingy or straight up abusive in a way that's kinda like, 'mad' or 'crazy', the way mentally ill people are often stereotyped to be, all 'scary' or 'creepy', and it's just... it just makes me think about how people view mentally ill teens, cause so much of that is so OOC.

Like, yeah, he has violent outbursts, he gets triggered and has abandonment issues and intrusive thoughts, he's a huge mess and made lots of mistakes, but besides Jasper of course, he never actually really... directly hurt anyone??

He didn't act clingy and try to talk Connie into marrying him when she said no, he readily accepted and did his best to not dump his baggage on her, he didn't hurt anyone beyond scaring them when his emotions bubbled and his powers came out as shock waves or domes or walls, and even when he was a kaiju, his focus wasn't on rampaging or anything, he was mostly flailing around and smashing his head into cliffs and only going on the defensive and attacking anything when given targets that could hurt him. His worst moments, like Mr Universe, Fragments and the scene with White Diamond, they were his absolute rock bottom, and even then he wasn't acting out against just anyone in an abusive manner.

In Mr Universe, he had just come to the realisation that his childhood was actually messed up and that his guardians have failed to protect him, he's trying to find reasons behind it all, find whom to blame for this anguish, grieving over a good and normal childhood he realised he never really got to have. And even as he crashed the van, Greg didn't actually get hurt during it, he was perfectly fine. If anything, it was Steven who got hurt during that, because he had blacked out and Greg was panicking when he came to consciousness.

In Fragments, he had just lost his trust in all of the people he thought were a part of his support network. He had none of that left. So, as Rebecca herself has said, he went out to Jasper, because her thoughts on him matched his own at the moment. He was essentially seeking out a kinship for his self loathing, looking for someone who wouldn't try to tell him that he was appreciated or a good person or that, to get better, he should just open up and let people help him. He didn't want to look into his emotional state, his vulnerabilities anymore, because every time he did so, his powers came out and caused damage. No, first and foremost, he thought he had to control that power.

And he thought that he was finally doing that. For the first time, he felt like he was in a safe space to let it all out, with an equal who he couldn't hurt, but, as he found, that wasn't true. Jasper wasn't his equal, like the days of her kicking him and berating him, forcing him to confront his insecurities until he proved her wrong, taught him. She wasn't invincible like she said, and he wasn't in control like he thought. Because all he was doing was avoiding the problem and treating it like a surface level issue of him being too weak and inexpierenced to properly control his anger. But it's way deeper than that. And Steven realised that, too, but in a completely wrong way. He came to the conclusion that he was even more horrible than he could have ever imagined. That he was on par with the Diamonds now. That he actually was a diamond, and bore all the same baggage that came with that identity.

So he went to that side of his family. He looked into every way he could find to fix himself, all the while becoming frustrated at how even the Diamonds, who used to be the absolute evil of the whole universe, were doing better than him, where better people than him. And none of it worked. And so came the White Diamond scene, where all his worst fears and emotions came together in the form of intrusive thoughts, triggered by his most traumatic memory. He felt unfairness at how much he was dealt, he felt hatred towards how messed up was his family, at how messed up he was, how he was a diamond, a shatterer, dangerous, at how he could take the reigns, be in control, and hurt and kill people. He feared and hated himself. So so much. And that's why White Diamond never got hurt, and never was a part of this battle between Steven and himself, because this was him coming to finally face all the pain surrounding him, how awful he was, how he was, in his eyes, no better than anyone who had ever hurt him. And so, in the end, he ultimately hurt himself.

There is a big difference between a hurt kid lashing out at their parent, or someone traumatised seeking out ways to take control over someone who had and could hurt them, or someone dissasociating and getting intrusive thoughts in response to coming face to face with someone who had dealt them trauma, and a person who's letting their negativity and anger out on and hurting innocent people who just happened to be in their vicinity.

Like, mostly, I just find it messed up how there's so much content of Steven being angry towards Connie, lashing out at her, or being controlling or manipulative, when he has Never Once Been Like That. He's very careful around her. He doesn't force her into anything. When he's feeling overwhelmed around Connie, he distances himself, hides, puts walls between them. Just like he puts actual walls between him and the CGs when hurting, runs away, because he doesn't want to hurt any of them, and to think that he would ignore boundaries or let Connie become a target of his frustration is ludicrous. And it becomes even more ludicrous when what follows that kind of theoretical situation is Connie comforting him after he hurt her, and that being portrayed as a sweet or cute or romantic thing.

Just.... I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wish that some people would have been more careful with how they portrayed Steven, as a mentally ill teen, and the relationships he has with his loved ones. That some people would be more careful with the mental illness portrayal in general, reexamined if maybe they're falling into harmful stereotypes and views in general. If they're being uneducated about how meds work, or if they're calling Steven 'crazy' or 'evil', and then expecting or portraying him to be so, if they're romanticising things that they shouldn't, or misunderstanding abuse. I just...

I guess it just sucks. This series is such a good way to introduce conversation about these topics, to learn about them and learn to better understand them. But I probably should have expected that it wouldn't turn out that easy with this fandom.

[xenophanatic]

A Bronte’s Pakistani Drama - Ishq Zahe Naseeb

I feel like most Pakistani dramas have a timeless quality about them, or more accurately, they feel like the live action versions of 19th cent. literature. This is due to the fact that the culture is quite conservative and the constant marriage plots relying either on cousin marriages or class differences. My new obsession is of a Pakistani drama that feels like a story Charlotte Bronte would have concocted herself. Ishq Zahe Naseeb...

The female protagonist is Gauhar, poor but happy and bubbly girl, who thrust into a adulthood when her family finds out about her secret relationship with Kashif. In order to pay a debt that Gauhar’s dad has taken from his brother-in-law, his sister proposes that the pretty Gauhar marry her son. The family accepts. Gauhar and Kashif plan to elope until on the day that both are to meet, they both separately decide not to come. It is a beautiful scene and moment in the drama. Both are headed to the rendezvous point. Kashif thinks about his sisters, who also need to get married and his responsibility as the man of the house. Gauhar thinks about the shame she will bring to the family and how the act will destroy her sister’s upcoming nuptials. Both decide to return to their homes and responsibilities, neither knowing that the other also didn’t come. Kashif tries to get money for his sister’s wedding and Gauhar is engaged to her cousin. This is where the two separate and enter into their own personal journey and stories. 

Kashif begins a new job to support his family. There we meet his boss; who is incredible rude and arrogant behind her desk. However, she moves back and it is shown that she uses a wheelchair. All the members of the office dislike her, as she fires all the mangers and is difficult to work with. However, in recent episodes, her father tells Kashif that she wasn’t always like this. She had a fiancee who left her after she lost her ability to walk. Since then, she refused to be seen weak and hates to be pitied. I really like Donia and hope her and Kashif end up together. I am here for them! This storyline isn’t Bronte-esq; maybe more Austen, if anything. 

Now for what we’ve been waiting for...

With Gauhar’s married sister no longer bringing a pay-cheque to the family, Gauhar is to take her place before she gets married too. She finds a job as a governess to a wealthy man’s sick step-mother. See where this is going...

Sameer is rude and indifferent, and his step mother is the same. When Gauhar enters the mansion, she is given a briefing on the family and their rules. Sameer, as a child, was raised by his step-mother, who Gauhar assumed to be his birth mother. Gauhar is told that no one speaks about Sameer’s birth mother as his step-mother forbids it. She is also told that, in the evenings, Sameer goes to his room and is not to be disturbed until morning. Even his food is left outside the door - if he wants it, he’ll take it. Gauhar is told she is not to make any noise after he goes to his room. The servant whisper when he returns home. She is also forbidden to go into the basement. So many secrets, forbidden rooms, and rules. The house itself looks like a mansion from a Gothic tale. 

If you see in to top centre, that is the butler looking down at her when she enters the house for the first time as the OST plays creepily. What’s his deal? Does he know the secret?

There is also a scene where Sameer’s step-mother’s health is getting worse and they need to take her to the hospital, but it is after dark and they need Sameer’s permission. Gauhar - against the advice of everybody - decides to go to his room and ask him. She is literally (in the 21st cent) holding a lantern as she runs through the halls of this mansion as lighting strikes outside due to the storm.

How much Gothic can you get.... maybe a candlestick, but still. 

He doesn’t open the door by the way, and Gauhar decides to take step-mother to the hospital anyway. Gauhar is told later that Sameer was in love and engaged to a girl named Zoya, who died mysteriously after she came into see Sameer after dark. Gauhar is shocked that he wouldn’t see Zoya after dark either. 

We get Sameer’s backstory too - while he may be a mystery to Gauhar, he is not for the audience. Sameer was abandoned by his parents when he was a child and was raised by his step-mother and a creepy governess. Sameer has had some traumatic experiences, that are only known to Sameer and his step mother, which has caused him some serious mental disorders. He was also once engaged to a girl called Zoya, who he thought was his cure but Zoya, but died mysteriously after finding out his secret.  

What’s his secret???

Sameera...

Or more accurately, Shakra. She was the governess that step-mother hired to look after him as a child - which mostly consisted of sending him down into the basement. It seems that Sameer has a dissociative identity disorder (DID), where his other personality state is a maniacal version of Shakra named Sameera - not all has been revealed yet. 

May I say though, the actor playing him does a brilliant job!

There is a scene when Zoya heads to his room and sees Sameera for the first time. A jealous Sameera wants to kill the girl who has taken her Sameer from her and tries to choke her. Zoya escapes and runs through the house, followed by a calm Sameera sauntering down the halls. (It is not revealed how Zoya died or whether it was Sameera who killed her.) Zahid Ahmed (the actor) looks so menacing as he saunters down the hall and stays in the character of Sameera. Even when he speaks as Sameera it’s a treat to watch, or that great shot were we see Shakra in the mirror and it is revealed that Sameera is actually in front of it. 

I’m enjoying this show. From previews/promos it seems like Gauhar marries Sameer, out of convenience rather than love, and will find out his secret on their wedding night. 

Okay, here we go. I’m here for Gauhar and broken Sameer. I want them together and Gauhar to accept him/cure him and love him. I want Sameer to explore his childhood trauma, get professional help, be cured, and be happy with Gauhar. 

I want all that... but i think I won’t get any of it. 

It feels like the writers are going to make this a nightmare for Gauhar who has married a ‘crazy man’ and will have to a) divorce him or b) kill him, in order to end up with Kashif - yeah remember him. From the promos, it also looks like that Donia’s ability to walk returns and Kashif will leave her for Gauhar. There is a scene were all four meet and Donia looks like she’s standing (or a lady who looks like her) and there is a scene were Gauhar is arrested and Kashif meets her in prison. NOOOO!

I don’t want that - for my Bronte-esque/Byronic fangirling - but also because it will portray mental health as something evil that needs to be killed. I’m not saying that my romanticising it is any better - that too has it issues. 

However, I am hoping that Ishq Zahe Nazeeb becomes a Bronte-esque romance, as it will then become romantic trash rather than problematic/bad messaging. 

If not... I might have to write a fanfiction, adapting it into a 1847, Victorian fiction. Hehe, I’m already coming up with names. Henry/Henrietta, George/Georgette, Samuel/Samantha... i could keep going...  

If you like this show, let’s talk!