#the very heavy contrast between the atmosphere of part 3 and part 5 makes me so facking insane i cannot put it into words

[ruvviks]

Chapter >> 12 [x] Characters >> Daniil Dobrynin (oc), Mama Welles, Matvey Dobrynin (oc), Mikhail Koshechkin (oc), Nadya Dobrynina (oc), Pepe Najarro, Roksana Dobrynina (oc), Viktor Vektor, Vincent Mayer (oc), Vitali Dobrynin (oc) Total >> 14.7k words Warnings >> Alcohol, arguing with mother (nightmare mode), blood, brainwashing mention, brief ableism mention, death mention, descriptions of an intense mental breakdown resulting into an impulsive bad decision, drugs mention, family / parents, forced diet mention, gaslighting, transphobia (mentioned in part 1, heavily discussed in part 3 and an implied mention in part 4), violence mention

The sun hung low on the horizon, golden light pouring in through the partially blinded window of the living room. A deceiving sight; it was anything but warm outside, the temperatures dropping significantly during the winter months even in Night City, and the sharp, biting wind made it anything but pleasant to be outside.

Fortunately, Vitali had gotten to spend most of his day comfortably indoors. His classes had finished early that morning and he had gone straight home, unable to visit Mikhail- said friend had needed to help his father with his work, and Vitali himself had needed to finish a whole list of tasks before his mother would come home.

There had been a time he would never tell anyone when he would get home, wanting to prevent his mother from- well, exactly what had happened this time- dumping a lengthy list of chores on his back the second she would hear he would have an afternoon off. However, he had stopped doing that after he’d gotten in trouble once, when Nadya had found out he had been smoking weed in the school’s parking lot after classes.

Vitali cared very little about what his parents had to say of his poor life decisions; yet the consequences that had followed due to the poorly timed school visit by his mother had been dire enough for him to rarely stick around after classes anymore.

And if he wanted to go for a smoke, he would simply do that at Mikhail’s place next time.

He entered the living room, fresh out of the shower; his long, bleached hair was still a little damp and he hadn’t had the energy to do anything else with it other than hand dry it and let it fall down over his shoulders.

His roots were showing. He needed to buy more bleach again soon.

Vitali dropped himself on the couch with a pained grimace, a jolt of pain shooting up through his leg to his spine and neck and head. A moment of peace, finally- yet the second he allowed himself to relax, he heard the front door open and after a brief silence the loud BANG that followed told him that Nadya had arrived home.

A sharp exhale left his body and he braced himself- as if that would make things easier for him, as if it would soften the blow- but what blow, exactly? Nothing had even happened.

Yet.

‘How was work?’ Vitali quietly asked, glancing at his mother from the corner of his eye when she entered the room and watching her essentially throw her bag down on the table, with such force he almost feared she would break the tabletop.

‘Horrible, as usual,’ was the cold response. ‘Problem after problem which could all have easily been prevented had they just not been stupid and if they had just listened to me from the start.’

Vitali was not sure why he still bothered to ask.

Nadya never had something nice to say about her colleagues- which was fair enough, but the constant complaining about every single thing they did wrong in her eyes was starting to wear him down and he often wondered why she didn’t just bring it up at work instead.

‘But you fixed it, yes?’ he asked, slowly sitting up and directing his full attention to his mother now, making sure to not make his voice sound too aggressive by accident. ‘Like you always do.’

‘A complete waste of my precious time, you mean.’ Alright, ego-flattering failed. ‘I already have to do everything myself here- I had hoped the adults at work would know better than that.’

A sharp exhale left Vitali’s body as he turned his head away from his mother and toward the window instead, closing his eyes when the bright sunlight fell directly on his face. His list of finished chores was right there on the tip of his tongue, yet he kept his mouth wisely shut and waited until the adrenaline that had risen in his chest faded again.

Whenever Nadya was in a bad mood, she would take the entire ship down with her- would say whatever would come to mind, no matter how hurtful or unfair in the moment to those around her, and then she would loudly wonder why everyone was upset and nobody wanted to even look her in the eye.

It was how most of her arguments and fights with Matvey- and Vitali too- started. But he was not going to let it get to that, that day.

‘Unbelievable how useless all personnel are here,’ Nadya muttered, ‘stupid bankers and security alike. A bunch of sheep. No ambitions to grow, no ambitions to improve- back in Wellsprings people were enthusiastic, full of life. I would rather be there than anywhere else right now.’

Vitali bit the inside of his cheek much harder than he’d meant for and the taste of iron rapidly spilled into his mouth, replacing the words he was desperately trying to hold in.

Ever since his father had received his promotion, Nadya had been worse than she’d ever been before. Forcibly relocated to City Center, despite her wishes to remain in Wellsprings; moving there had already been too much for her to handle, and clearly she had not mixed well with the rest of her new workplace.

Vitali would’ve understood, had it not been for the fact Nadya had been the one to constantly push Matvey to work harder to get that promotion in the first place.

‘They should appreciate me more.’ Of course she was not finished yet. ‘Three operations in the past two weeks- all carried out by me. And what do I get? A lousy “thank you” and everyone has moved on again. You know, before we moved here, I-’

‘Then why don’t you ask if they can relocate you back?’

The question had left Vitali’s lips before he could stop himself.

A rush of adrenaline instantly washed over him again and he tensed up his muscles, physically bracing himself for whatever Nadya would hurl back at him. He watched in dead silence how his mother’s eyes narrowed and she turned her head toward him.

‘It’s really not that easy,’ she plainly stated, the aggressive tone of her voice causing Vitali’s heartbeat to pick up even more than it already had.

‘It is always worth asking, yes?’ he quickly added, a desperate attempt at softening his earlier question.

‘Oh- So you’re saying this is my own fault, then?’

‘That’s not even close to what I-’

‘Silence!’

Vitali’s teeth clacked together from the force with which he closed his mouth and he instantly stood up from the couch, but his mother smacked her hand flat on the table and he froze mid-movement.

‘Don’t you dare walk away from me now,’ she sneered at him- in Russian, to his surprise. ‘Do you truly think I’m stupid? That I never considered asking that?’

‘It was just a suggestion, I was trying to think with you, not-’

‘Stop fucking interrupting me!’

Vitali lowered his gaze, feeling tears begin to well up in the corners of his eyes. He was starting to become light-headed; a wild storm raging in his chest and ramming into his ribcage and tearing at his lungs making it near impossible to keep his breathing stable, an all-consuming fire in his head burning through his eye sockets and making him see nothing but red-

You should’ve kept your mouth shut.

‘They will never allow me to work in Wellsprings while I’m living here!’ Nadya yelled at him, taking a step toward him- and despite the fact she was significantly shorter than he was, he still instinctively took a defensive step back.

‘Traffic in this fucking city will never allow me to be on time and they know this- we cannot move back because of your father’s job so I am stuck here!’

‘Stuck?’

Shut up. Stop talking.

Vitali exhaled, a scoff leaving his lips with it. ‘You feel stuck here?’

Don’t say it. Just stop talking.

But he was seething.

Sick and tired of watching his mother yell at everyone over the littlest of things, sick and tired of watching her ruin the lives of his siblings by making them so afraid of her they would rather stay in their rooms all day than be in the living room- sick and tired of hearing her yell at his father for things that did not need to be yelled about- sick and fucking tired of constantly being seen as a daughter instead of a son-

‘If you hate it so much here,’ he slowly said, straightening his back and taking a single step forward again, ‘then why don’t you just fucking leave?’

Silence washed over the living room.

And Vitali regretted saying anything at all.

Nadya’s eyes widened- not with anger, but shock. Her mouth half open, a brief furrowing of her brow as Vitali’s words settled in her head-

But he had meant it.

All she ever did was complain. About everything, about everyone. If she truly hated all of them so much, then why was she still sticking around?

‘Excuse me?’ she quietly said, though Vitali knew better than to fall for the sudden change in the tone of her voice. He clenched his jaw and shrugged, gesturing vaguely into the space around them.

‘How dare you speak to me like that.’

Her words hurt him.

They always did, no matter how convinced of his own right he was. His mother could make him feel immense guilt like no one else could, guilt he could not quite place; she could make him feel like a disappointment and he was very much aware that is exactly what he was in her eyes, and despite never caring about any of it-

In those moments, he cared. He cared so very much.

‘I give all of you my everything,’ Nadya slowly said, eyes narrowing ever so slightly and Vitali could see the quiver of her lower lip as she spoke. ‘And this is what I get in return?’

‘I finished the chores you gave me, if that makes a difference,’ Vitali bluntly responded. ‘Like I do every day.’

‘You realize I am your mother, right? Not one of your friends from school!’

‘All I’m saying is if this place makes you so miserable then why stick around?’

‘You think it’s that easy?’

‘Leaving? Must be much easier than whatever it is you’re doing now!’

Another day, another fight.

It was an endless cycle to Vitali and he was used to it by then. Years of unnecessary confrontation caused by Nadya’s compulsion to take everything personally and Vitali’s inability to keep his mouth shut.

And oh, how he wished things were different; how he wished he could have normal conversations with his mother, how he wished he wouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around her at all times, how he wished he could just feel comfortable in his own home again like he used to when he was younger-

‘Sometimes I truly wonder why I even bother talking to you!’ Nadya yelled, throwing a wild gesture in Vitali’s direction as she redirected her attention to her bag on the table.

‘I was only trying to fucking help and you decide to misinterpret my words and blow it out of proportion!’ Vitali yelled back.

‘First you imply you think it’s my own fault I’m stuck here, and then you have the nerve to tell me to get out of my own house? How about you get your stuff and get out of here!’

‘Once I’m done with high school I fucking will!’

Another day.

Another fight.

Vitali stormed past Nadya into the hallway, ignoring any more of her screaming as he found his way back to his room. Fuming with anger once more, face and ears burning red and hands and shoulders shaking uncontrollably to the point his teeth were chattering. He grabbed the door, readying himself to slam it shut-

He paused.

For just a second.

What fucking difference does it make?

And he slammed it shut anyway.

Vitali was cold.

A shiver ran down his spine, muscles involuntarily tensing up as he rubbed his hands together in a desperate attempt to keep a grip on himself; he was merely sitting in bed, yet it felt like he just got done running a marathon and was now standing in nothing but his underwear in the Arctic.

It was nearing midnight, but Vitali was all but tired; still high on adrenaline from what had happened earlier that day- finding Roksana cornering Mikhail in his office building’s weapon storage- and he wished he could just ram his head into the wall to knock himself out for the night.

The door suddenly opened, startling him a little and he nearly went for his nightstand- again- a reflex he had been trying to get rid of, yet could not shed. His handgun hadn’t been there for a long while, now.

He expected to see Vincent, yet it was Mikhail who walked in and closed the door behind him before walking over to the bed. Vitali did not question it- Mikhail came there a lot more often- though it was curious to see him there now. He had mostly kept his distance in the past few weeks.

‘Are you alright?’ Vitali quietly asked him, watching as Mikhail sat down on the edge and moved a little closer.

‘I’m fine, yes,’ he answered. ‘I just- I wanted to see you before going to bed.’

Vitali moved closer as well and carefully wrapped his arms around Mikhail’s shoulders, pulling him in for a gentle hug and planting a kiss on his head. He had partially expected his friend to try and avoid him or push him away- but Mikhail gratefully dropped his head on Vitali’s shoulder instead and relaxed in his arms.

Despite everything that had happened, they still had each other. Vitali was grateful; more than he could ever express, as he had been convinced Mikhail would never want to speak to him again after what had happened last year.

Especially after the fight they’d had at the start of January, when Vitali had no longer been under Arasaka’s control- in that moment he had truly thought that-

‘I’m sorry,’ Vitali quietly spoke, pushing the nagging memories away and the words heavy in his mouth as he lowered his gaze and carefully let go of Mikhail. ‘I should have never let her stay.’

‘Nothing happened,’ Mikhail instantly cut him off, softly bumping his head against Vitali’s. He visibly hesitated for a second- but then still reached for Vitali and brushed some of his hair out of his face, fingertips kissing the skin of his forehead. ‘She was persistent, but- nothing happened.’

Vitali loved Mikhail so much.

But he could make him feel regret like no one else could.

It was all Vitali’s own fault, really- losing his phone and thus losing contact with his friend for six years, not being strong enough to fight off Arasaka’s brainwashing technology and because of that nearly stabbing Mikhail to death, not knowing when to keep his mouth shut and nearly letting the only fight they’ve ever had ruin everything for them-

And now he had allowed Roksana to stay and it had almost gone wrong again.

‘Hey- Look at me.’

Mikhail’s voice was gentle and soothing as ever, his words like soft kisses on Vitali’s bruises. He tapped Vitali’s chin with his finger, forcing him to look back up- and quickly repeated the gesture with his other hand, a frustrated frown taking shape on his face with it and Vitali couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

‘Sure, laugh it up,’ Mikhail mumbled and clicked his tongue, corners of his mouth twitching as he failed to hide his own smile and he lightly shook his head. ‘I’m fine, V. Truly. I need you to know that.’

‘I feel bad,’ Vitali bluntly replied, his smile fading again as he let his eyes move over the features of Mikhail’s face. ‘It shouldn’t have happened.’

‘I know you do. But you shouldn’t. I get it.’ A short pause, and Mikhail playfully poked Vitali in his side, causing his muscles to tighten and the corners of his mouth to lightly pull up again. ‘I do. And you know that.’

Out of all his loved ones, Mikhail knew Vitali’s family best. Of course he did- he had witnessed plenty of the family drama either directly or indirectly during their childhood and he knew like no one else how complicated Vitali’s feelings about them were. Had never judged him for any of it, either; far too busy sorting out his own complicated home situation, and even now that they both got out of it years later he was still so- understanding.

Vitali sometimes wondered why. But he was too scared to bring it up.

‘You worry so much about everything and everyone,’ Mikhail continued, ‘but- it’s okay. We are fine, and you need to start worrying about yourself now.’

It sounded so easy, said like that. But Vitali couldn’t possibly stop worrying about his friends, even knowing that they were all very capable mercenaries and had more than often done a better job at protecting themselves than he had.

He stared at Mikhail for a moment, trying to let his words sink in-

But he couldn’t.

And he knew that Mikhail knew, too.

‘Will you go see her?’ he asked, slightly tilting his head and clenching his jaw, just enough for Vitali to notice.

‘I have to, Misha,’ he answered, smiling wryly and averting his gaze when another string of tics left Mikhail’s mouth. ‘I have to know. I have to know.’

From the moment he had asked Roksana for their mother’s location, Vitali had known that Mikhail hadn’t liked the idea in the slightest. Understandably so; out of all his family members, Nadya had caused him the most misery when he was younger and even now with his father actively trying to ruin his life, Vitali knew very well which one of them could hurt him more.

‘I’m sorry,’ he managed to add, though the way the words left his mouth made them sound insincere. That hadn’t ever happened before- not with Mikhail on the receiving end, at least.

‘I know,’ Mikhail quietly said, and Vitali was unsure what exactly he was responding to. Their gazes met in the middle again for one final time and Mikhail nodded lightly- ‘I know.’

Vitali hesitantly leaned in again and Mikhail immediately pulled him closer, squeezing him a little harder than before. He didn’t want Vitali to go- and the knowledge of that alone made Vitali question everything again, despite the fact Mikhail was no longer trying to change his mind.

‘Good night,’ Mikhail whispered, just loud enough for Vitali to hear while he slowly let go again and gave him a kiss on his forehead.

Vitali reached out to him and brushed some of his hair out of his face, and smiled when Mikhail made a playful biting motion at his fingers.

‘Good night, душа моя.’

He watched in silence as Mikhail stood up again and left the room, quietly closing the door behind him and leaving Vitali all alone. He bit his lip and lowered his gaze, eyes finding his clenched fists; his near-permanently bruised knuckles were whitened from the force.

He found himself slipping again. And rather quickly, now; his well-deserved break was once again proving to have been too short and the more time passed the deeper he fell back into the same overthinking pit he had found himself stuck in before his father had decided for a ceasefire.

‘Hey baby.’

The door had opened yet another time; but now it was Vincent entering the room, already in his pajamas- boxers and an old t-shirt of Vitali, which he had stolen from Jackie at some point in time- and he smiled at him while walking over and sitting down on the bed with him.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked, gently pushing Vitali back against the headboard of the bed and climbing on his lap.

Instead of responding, Vitali merely wrapped his arms around Vincent’s waist and buried his face in his boyfriend’s chest, inhaling deeply as he closed his eyes. Vincent softly kissed the top of his head and carefully ran his fingers through his hair, allowing him to take a moment to wind down.

How grateful Vitali was to have him- especially after everything that had happened. Ever since the incident with the Relic, Vincent had been living on borrowed time; and even now, the both of them still worried if Arasaka’s stabilizer had successfully eradicated every remnant of Soulkiller or if it had been yet another temporary solution to the problem-

Vitali tried not to think about it too much.

He had been so scared to lose Vincent. Terrified. Had put all his resources and connections forward to try and save him- no matter what- which, ironically enough, had ultimately led to the circumstances they found themselves in now.

But he didn’t regret it. If he had to do it all over again, he would-

In a heartbeat.

‘I don’t know,’ Vitali finally answered, slightly pulling back to allow Vincent to look at him again. ‘I don’t- have a word for it. Would not know how to explain it to you.’

Vincent leaned in, the sparkle in his eyes as bright as ever as he kissed the tip of Vitali’s nose- followed by another kiss on the corner of his mouth and a soft kiss right on his lips.

‘Try me.’

Vitali loved him so much.

From the moment they had met, he had known Vincent was different from any other merc; soft-natured, kind, a little clumsy and awkward at times but it had only been endearing to him. They had grown close so quickly and Vitali had often worried the fact he was Vincent’s fixer would get in the way of their friendship- but of course it hadn’t.

At the end of the day, he really wasn’t all that different from Vincent. A little more rough around the edges, perhaps- a little wearier, a bit more stubborn, with way more mistakes and failures on record than Vincent ever could-

But he was just a man.

‘I feel stupid,’ Vitali finally answered, feeling himself deflate as he spoke and a knot tightened in his throat, causing tears to start to well up in his eyes. ‘Just- I make mistake after mistake, somehow convinced it’ll make a difference for the better and it never fucking does. And people get hurt because of it or people- They get- I just-’

‘Hey, hey-!’ Vincent gently interrupted him, cupping Vitali’s face to force him to look at him. ‘Breathe, Vito. It’s okay.’

Vitali sucked in a shallow breath and managed to grab Vincent’s t-shirt tightly, the air surrounding them suffocating him, the pressure on his chest too heavy to carry. Vincent softly hummed to get his attention again and visibly breathed in and out at a steady pace- Vitali clenched his jaw until it hurt and tried to mimic him, feeling his panic slowly but surely settle down again.

‘Do you want me to get Mikhail for you?’ Vincent asked, still gently holding his head and eyes worriedly scanning his face. A question he regularly asked; out of all people, Mikhail was best at calming Vitali down.

‘No,’ Vitali immediately blurted out, and tugged on Vincent’s t-shirt to pull him a little closer. ‘I want- I need you right now. Please.’

Vincent instantly pulled him in for another hug, his arms tightly wrapping around Vitali’s shoulders, one hand in his hair and the other running in gentle, reassuring circles over his back.

‘I’m here, baby,’ he quietly said- and kept repeating it to him, over and over again- I’m here- I’m always here. Not goin’ anywhere. Promise.

Vitali closed his eyes again, breathing stabilizing the more minutes passed as he listened to Vincent’s heartbeat and his gentle words. He was exhausted now- had allowed his heart to spill out of his mouth while trying to explain how he felt and it had left him with an empty head and a tired body.

He just wanted to go to sleep.

‘I think you’re scared,’ Vincent suddenly quietly said, slightly rocking Vitali back and forth in an attempt to calm him down. ‘Maybe not directly, but- you know. Deep down. It’s scary to not know what’s gonna happen next. Scary to have people relying on you- I get why you’re tryin’ to reach out to others, get help wherever you can. I understand.’

‘I can’t keep doing it.’

Vitali’s voice was small, barely audible anymore, and he repeated himself while lifting his head again.

‘D’you think you’re making a mistake?’ Vincent asked him in return. ‘Seeing your mother?’

For a moment, Vitali merely looked at him; eyes slowly moving over the light freckles covering the bridge of Vincent’s, before they fluttered shut when Vincent’s fingertips gently ran over his cheek.

‘Probably,’ he answered, and dropped his head. ‘I am not sure anymore what exactly I’m doing it for.’

Vincent shrugged. ‘Peace of mind. Might not solve anythin’ directly, but- It’s nice to know. Cards on the table.’

Vitali wanted to understand.

He had no idea where Matvey was. Had no idea how to get closer to him for the time being- Daniil was gone, Roksana was gone, and all he had was an address where he would supposedly find his mother.

Was she part of it? Was she at the top of it all? Or was she just another bystander, another victim of his father’s obsessive revenge trip, not connected to any of it yet caught up right in the middle?

‘C’mere,’ Vincent said, tugging Vitali closer again. ‘Let me kiss you.’

And he kissed him, arms wrapping around his neck and hands burying themselves in his hair. Vitali leaned back against the headboard again and allowed Vincent to take lead, a quiet hum leaving his throat when Vincent’s grip on his hair tightened and his teeth lightly dug into his bottom lip.

For a brief moment, it was just the two of them alone in the world- Vitali holding Vincent’s hips and pulling him closer, breathing irregular once more though for vastly different reasons now- and Vincent’s hands grabbing Vitali’s face and slowly dragging down his chest, until one of them found its way into his t-shirt.

‘Your hand is cold,’ Vitali mumbled into the kiss, a smile spreading on his face as he slightly flinched to try and avoid Vincent touching his side; but of course Vincent only saw that as encouragement and let his fingers slide past Vitali’s skin a second time, causing him to snort and bury his face in Vincent’s neck.

Vincent slowly pulled his hand back and brought it back up to cup Vitali’s face, patiently waiting until he lifted his head again. He kissed him a second time- just briefly, and then barely pulled back as he allowed Vitali to catch his breath.

‘You think she’s got something to do with it?’ he quietly asked after a short silence, his face still right in front of Vitali’s; and his lips brushed past his skin, leaving behind a tingling sensation and a deep longing in Vitali’s chest for more.

‘I don’t know,’ he honestly answered. ‘She might. She might not. Mother has always been a little…vague, about what she wants. What she stands for.’

He allowed Vincent to kiss him again, hands on the back of his neck to pull him closer, nails gently dragging over his skin sending shivers down Vitali’s spine. His head was starting to spin a little bit; overwhelmed by several different sensations at once and he tightly gripped Vincent’s t-shirt again, as if it would help him stay grounded.

‘And you’re right, Vincent,’ he quietly whispered against his boyfriend’s lips, voice slightly breaking as he spoke. ‘I am scared.’

He was so scared.

Scared of- well, everything. He had allowed himself to take a break from thinking about how this would all end, but now that it was all starting again his mind was going right back to it. Who would live?

Who would die?

Vitali clenched his jaw and lowered his gaze, new tears welling up in his eyes and this time he did not have the strength to stop them from rolling down his cheeks anymore, his voice unstable when he spoke again-

‘I’m terrified.’

Oh, how much he loved Vincent.

His lips traveled all over Vitali’s face, covering him in sweet little kisses- knowing it would not fix anything yet he did it anyway, kissing away Vitali’s tears before pulling him into another warm embrace.

‘I know, baby,’ he whispered, and briefly tightened his arms around him when a sob left Vitali’s throat.

‘I know.’

The hallway endlessly stretched out in front of Vitali’s eyes.

He had been standing there for five minutes now. Unmoving, jaw clenched, eyes unfocused as he listened to the noises of life behind him, the Megabuilding still crawling with people even at that hour of the night.

He wore his combat gear- cargo pants, dark henley, chest armor- though he was unsure why he had decided to put that on out of all possibilities. Perhaps he subconsciously expected it to be a trap, or perhaps he wanted to come across as intimidating, and not scared; but he regretted it now, well aware of the way people had looked at him when he had made his way inside.

I’m just here to talk, he had wanted to tell them- I’m just being careful, taking precautions. Justifying himself to complete strangers who had no idea what he was even there for, as if it would clear his conscience, as if it would ease his mind.

A curious reflex. It had been a while since the last time he had felt the need to do such a thing.

Every step closer to the door at the end of the hallway was heavier than the last, every footfall bouncing off the walls and endlessly echoing through his head. Just there to talk- it sounded so simple, so innocent. A son visiting his mother after many years- save for a single encounter not all too long ago- though in that very moment he felt like anything but a son.

And the moment he reached the front door, he froze.

What was he supposed to do- knock? Ring the doorbell? Just walk right in, see what would happen? And what would he even say to her, assuming she would be there?

What could he say?

He tightly balled his fists, brow narrowing when he heard a loud BANG somewhere behind him followed by piercing laughter. His heart skipped a beat and for a brief moment the world seemed to spin around him, and he needed to reach for the wall to regain his balance.

He could walk away, still. He could turn back, leave the past in the past, leave his mother behind and simply assume she had nothing to do with it-

But he had to know. He had to know for sure.

‘What if I’m making a mistake, Vitya?’ Vitali asked, unable to look the other man in the eyes as his grip on the mug in front of him tightened. ‘Perhaps I should just- I should-‘

‘You should do what feels right to you,’ Viktor gently interrupted him, briefly glancing around the diner to see if anyone was listening in. ‘Clearly it’s bothering you- clearly you’re still lookin’ for answers. Would it ease your mind if you let this rest? Would it bring you peace?’

Of course not.

Nadya was far from the final puzzle piece, but Vitali knew she was an important one; the last one that needed to be placed in order for him to make sense out of it all, even if he learned nothing new, even if she was innocent- or, well, as innocent as she could be.

‘I feel like I’m losing it.’ Vitali slowly drank his coffee; it had turned cold by then, but he didn’t mind. ‘I was doing better, and- and then Roksana shows up, and-‘

‘Well, of course.’ Viktor smiled a gentle smile at him, but Vitali could see the barely masked concern dripping from his expression. ‘Forgive me, Vito, but- your family is a damn handful. When’s the last time you saw your sister- a decade ago? Like with your brother- of course it’s not easy to see her again. No surprise to me it’s knocked you right back off your feet.’

It had knocked him off his feet good. Had been on the verge of picking up a bottle, ease his mind, just for one night- but had wisely decided against it, still remembering what had happened last time he had let it come to that and how worried Vincent and Mikhail had been.

Vitali lifted his hand, as in slow motion; yet hesitated again, mid-movement gesture lingering in the suffocatingly hot interior of the Megabuilding, breath held as if it would cause time around him to stop.

‘I don’t know if I can do this.’ He was on the verge of tears again, for some reason; heart racing in his chest, and he was starting to regret his decision to order coffee in the first place.

‘You’ve come face to face with your old man twice now,’ Viktor gently replied. ‘Couldn’t have been easy either, considering- well, the obvious circumstances. I think you’ll do just fine. Won’t be easy, but you’ll make it through. As always.’

Nadya was worse than Matvey.

The way she had treated Vitali all his childhood- the way she had expected everything from him and then some- the way she had refused to accept him for who he was, the way she had refused to take his disabilities seriously, the way she had taken away every opportunity for him to reconnect with his family after he had decided to leave-

Matvey was like any other man with power in Night City. Out for revenge, out for blood, out for more- using the city as his playground and killing those who dared to oppose him- Vitali had seen it countless times before, and despite this time being a bit more personal and despite the initial shock and hurt and sorrow it had given him, he at least knew what to expect now.

But Nadya’s words and deeds cut a lot deeper, tearing Vitali apart from the inside and dragging insecurities and worries he had thought to no longer have back up to the surface. Perhaps she was different now; perhaps she would no longer make Vitali feel like a failure of a daughter, like he was singlehandedly responsible for every single bit of misery in her life-

This was a mistake.

Vitali’s stomach turned and he dropped his hand, a wave of nausea rapidly washing over him and he bit the inside of his cheek hard. For a split second, he was waiting- waiting for the fog to take over again, perhaps, something it had not done in a long while now-

But nothing happened.

He had to get out of there.

‘I can come with you,’ Mikhail quietly said, his gaze restlessly moving over Vitali’s features to avoid having to make eye contact. ‘You don’t have to do this alone.’

‘It will just make things worse, Misha, you know this,’ Vitali had merely interrupted him. ‘She disliked you back then, she will dislike you now. Perhaps even more than before.’

He was not even sure if he was right about that. Hadn’t made it far enough to find out- he turned around and stumbled back through the hallway, a painful sting shooting up through his leg as he moved, momentarily having forgotten about the fact he wore his leg brace and the thing was much heavier than anticipated.

‘You’ll be alright, kid.’ Viktor paused and emptied his own mug, setting it back down on the table between them with the slightest hint of hesitance. ‘Just gettin’ it over with will save you a whole lotta trouble further down the road.’

He wasn’t strong enough for it.

‘Oh, and now you have nothing to say to me.’ Nadya’s voice cut deep into his skin, but Vitali refused to turn around and kept his lips sealed and jaw clenched when she called a name after him- ‘Sure, walk away from me! Do not return until you have learned what respect is!’

‘Vitali?’

He froze.

‘Hey, baby. Look at me.’

Vincent’s fingertips dragged down Vitali’s cheek, and he kept his eyes closed; wanting the moment to last just a little longer, and he turned his head ever so slightly to be able to kiss the palm of Vincent’s hand.

‘You are- so much braver than you think.’ A gentle kiss on his lips, both hands now cupping his cheeks- thumbs gently running in soothing circles over his skin. ‘So much stronger than you think. You’ve made it this far, right? You did that.’

Hearing his mother’s voice again did not feel right.

Something was wrong about it all. Her gentle tone, perhaps. The way she sounded older, like his father had done when he had first spoken to him. Or the fact Vitali was simply not used to hearing his actual name come out of her mouth.

‘You’ll make it through.’

Vitali finally opened his eyes, just in time to see the warm smile spread on Vincent’s face right before he leaned in for another kiss, hands moving to the back of Vitali’s neck to hold him closer, the sweet taste of his peach chapstick spilling into Vitali’s mouth.

He turned around, barely able to lift his head as his eyes refused to look away from the floor beneath his feet. As if he was dreaming- but no, he was wide awake, and his gaze finally found that of his mother.

Dressed in her evening attire, her mostly gray hair pulled in a loose bun to get it out of her face. She was holding the door tightly with both hands; as if she would lose her balance were she to let go, Vitali could see her whitened knuckles all the way from where he stood.

Yes, he had briefly seen her, some weeks ago- but now that he could take his time he noticed she had indeed aged, and a lot more visibly so than her husband. She stood slumped; had once carried herself high with pushed back shoulders and chin tilted forward- yet that was nowhere to be found anymore, and the hardened expression she had worn every single day back when Vitali had still lived at home had been washed away by deep-set lines and wrinkles.

A sharp exhale left his chest and he slowly moved forward, closer toward her as she stepped aside- allowing him access to the small apartment. He could barely look at her as he entered; yet at the same time his eyes were continuously drawn back to her, as if he had a hard time believing he was actually looking at his mother.

He stopped right inside, heart nearly beating out of his chest as he waited for her to close the door behind them. She visibly hesitated; but then still stepped forward and reached out to his face with shaking hands and despite the little voice in his head yelling at him to step back he stood frozen to the ground and allowed her to cup his face.

Her hands were freezing cold.

‘Look at you.’

A small smile spread on Nadya’s face, the corners of her mouth slightly twitching as she ran her thumb over Vitali’s cheek. Curious- she spoke English to him, as expected, but no longer made any effort to try and mask her native accent. She sounded like a completely different woman to him.

‘All grown up.’

Twelve years.

Twelve years had passed since he had last spoken to her. And oh, had he grown up; numbed by his college years, hardened by his time at Arasaka, strengthened by his years as a mercenary and a fixer-

Though at that very moment, none of it mattered.

If anything, he felt like his eighteen year old self again.

Nadya pulled back her hands and quickly turned away, walking further into the apartment; a poorly lit living room with the kitchen directly next to the entrance, and a single door which led to a small bedroom with an adjacent bathroom.

Vitali stood unmoving and merely watched her pour a cup of coffee for herself. No steam appeared from her mug; it was already cold, and he wondered if she had been waiting for something; perhaps for him to show.

‘I assume you are aware of the circumstances we’ve found ourselves in,’ he finally spoke, his voice a little weaker than he had hoped for. Nadya slowly turned around again, leaning back against the kitchen counter and holding the mug in both hands.

‘I am,’ she said. ‘That’s what you are here for, no?’

Vitali could not help but notice her tight grip on the mug, and the way her shoulders tensed up the second their gazes met again. She was scared- and he wondered yet again why he had decided to don his combat gear.

Just here to talk.

Really, now?

‘How have you been?’ Nadya asked, the sudden cheeriness to her voice cutting through the harsh silence as she set the mug down on the counter with a lot more force than necessary, before walking back to Vitali and reaching up to fix the undone button of his shirt for him. ‘It’s good to see you.’

He had no idea how to answer her. Instead stood in silence once more, watching her look up at him; watching her eyes slowly scan his features, and then land on his hair, and linger there for much longer than his liking-

‘About father…’ Vitali managed to say, trying to get the conversation back on track- yet the second he mentioned Matvey, a dark shadow washed over his mother’s face and she pulled back her hands as if she had touched fire, startling Vitali and causing him to wince.

‘I don’t have anything to say about that man,’ she coldly replied and crossed her arms in front of her chest. ‘He is not here. If you’re looking for him- good luck. You won’t find him until he wants you to find him.’

None of that was new information to him- yet the way Nadya said it surprised Vitali.

‘Did you two fight?’ he quietly asked, a frown taking shape on his face as he watched his mother absently fiddle with her sweater.

‘Why do you care?’ she defensively fired back, and for a split second she sounded like her old self again and Vitali averted his gaze, already regretting asking about it.

Another silence washed over the apartment. Vitali tried to focus on the distant noises of the Megabuilding- though they were too quiet to direct his full attention to and even his hearing aid couldn’t help him with that this time. All he was left with was the sound of his own irregular heartbeat, and the rapid tapping of Nadya’s foot on the cold, concrete floor.

‘Look,’ she quietly said- as if she had noticed her own shift in tone, she spoke quietly again now- ‘whatever it is that is happening right now- I am not part of it. I don’t care about his problems with you. I don’t care about any of it and I don’t want to be involved.’

She wanted him to leave.

Of course she did; and Vitali truly could not blame her, especially considering the circumstances. He almost felt sorry for her. Almost felt bad for showing up at all, bothering her with things she did not want to hear about, daring to bring up her own husband to her.

Though her words awakened something deep inside of him.

He had felt it before. Many, many times. An untamable anger, one only his family could make him feel- the same anger that had put him in the passenger seat of his own body on several occasions now.

It’s funny. If anything, that should have been the first hint that one of his own family members was the Broker.

‘I need your help,’ Vitali quietly said, clenching his fist as he exhaled sharply, a desperate attempt to keep himself under control-

‘And I don’t want to help you. Simple.’

‘Let’s go to sleep, okay?’

Vincent’s voice was a mere whisper in his ear, lips brushing past his skin and teeth softly tugging on one of his earrings. Vitali finally moved- reached up to cup his boyfriend’s face and he leaned in to steal another sweet kiss, eyes closed as he spoke-

‘I don’t want to yet. Just a little longer.’

Something snapped inside of him.

Twelve years; but a situation oh so familiar. Vitali couldn’t move- stood frozen to the ground as he watched his mother tilt her head up, a sudden familiar coldness to her gaze as her eyes narrowed at him.

‘Simple?’ he sharply repeated, the word almost echoing between the empty, white-painted walls surrounding them.

Shut up. Stop talking.

He stepped forward, a shaky exhale leaving his lips as he relaxed his fist and slightly tilted his head to the side. ‘That is all you have to say?’

Don’t say it. Just stop talking.

But oh, Vitali was seething now.

‘When I was young,’ he calmly said, ‘I was also not part of your problems with dad. And yet you made me part of it every single fucking time without even asking.’

The third parent in the household. A replacement for Matvey, almost; yet treated with about the same nonexistent amount of respect every single time despite doing everything that was asked of him.

‘The man you married and had three fucking kids with is actively trying to ruin my life, because of a decision made by a damned corporation,’ Vitali spat. ‘And you “simply” don’t want to help me with that?’

‘Why should I?’ Nadya instantly fired back with a raised voice and she stepped forward too, dropping her arms to her side. ‘You left us, Vitali. Walked away from home and never looked back!’

‘That is not true and you know it! I reached out every day- you just ignored me!’

He did. Right?

Vitali was trembling.

Nadya could make him doubt himself like no one else could. He vividly remembered it- vividly remembered calling home every single fucking day after classes, for months- until he had realized it was of no use and they never wanted to speak to him or see him ever again.

‘Do you have any idea how hard it was for me?’ Nadya asked. She had softened her voice again, but the quiver of her lower lip gave her away. ‘I lost you! I lost you and I- I had to explain that to people.’

Oh.

So that’s what this is all about.

‘What?’ Vitali quietly asked, brow narrowing as he felt his heart drop. ‘You- You didn’t lose me. I was still there! I’ve always been there. I didn’t- I didn’t-’

‘You’re what?’

‘Transgender.’ Vitali tightened his grip on his phone behind his back, the only thing keeping him from passing out. ‘I’m a man. Have always felt like one. I just- never had a word for it before.’

Nadya took another step closer. Vitali finally noticed how pale she was- a gauntness to her face he was not used to, as if she hadn’t slept in a week, or longer. She reached for him again. And he allowed it, for some reason; allowed her to brush a strand of his hair out of his face, and allowed her to run her fingers through it as far as their height difference allowed her to.

‘Why did you cut your hair?’

A choked huff left Vitali’s chest. Lips curling up into a smile as a single tear he hadn’t even been aware of rolled down his cheek, and he turned his head away to get Nadya’s hand out of his hair.

‘Why the fuck do you care?’

He wanted to throw up.

The storm inside his chest was back. Slamming itself into his ribcage, trying to force itself out- breaking his bones, crushing his windpipe allowing no oxygen to enter his lungs. And he could feel the fog rolling in, inside his head; how desperately he wanted to let it take over and he closed his eyes, allowing it in-

And nothing happened. Too much time had passed; the effects of Arasaka’s brainwashing had worn off.

Vitali should have been happy with that.

Yet all he was left with was a deep, stinging sorrow.

He wasn’t sure why he was surprised about any of this. Could have easily seen it coming- he had known ever since he’d come out how complicated his mother’s feelings were about it all and of course even after so many years of not seeing each other it was still a problem to her.

‘What will you do?’ Vitali coldly asked. He wanted to get out of there- wanted to wrap it up and go home, go back to Vincent, not have to think about any of his problems anymore even if it was just for one night.

‘I’m staying here until it’s all over,’ Nadya answered, and defensively crossed her arms in front of her chest once more. ‘And then everything will go back to how it used to be.’

How it used to be.

Vitali honestly did not even know what that meant.

He had wondered, on occasion- what daily life had been like for his family after he had left home. And he wondered again now; what was there to go back to for them? Especially after everything Matvey had done- Everything he was still doing? Would it ever even end?

How would it end?

Nadya wanted nothing to do with it. If Vitali had to believe her, she simply stood on the sidelines; hiding away in a small apartment until the storm would pass over, until she could go home again. Yet it once again just raised a single question for him-

‘Why don’t you just leave?’

It had left his lips before he could stop himself.

Truly no filter sometimes; but it was well too late for that now.

Nadya scoffed, shooting him a glare; but Vitali could see the shimmer of tears in the corners of her eyes in the brief second her gaze lingered on him. ‘Do you truly think I have never considered that before?’

He shrugged. ‘What’s stopping you?’

She did not answer him.

The Dobrynin family had plenty of money to their name; Vitali did not doubt it for a second, even after all the years that had passed, judging solely by the large mansion he had visited earlier that year. Of course he did not know if Arasaka had taken anything from them or not- but the family fortune from previous generations ran deep in their veins and he refused to believe it was all lost.

It would be easy for Nadya to leave. Vitali did not understand how it would be harder for her than it had been for him; at least she could take some of the money. At least it wouldn’t bother her if none of them ever spoke to her again.

‘Where is Roksana, Vitali?’ Nadya asked. Her voice was suddenly unstable; she had finally cracked and she shook her head, eyes closing as a sob left her throat. ‘Where is she-? What did you do to her?’

‘I did nothing,’ Vitali spat back, his mother’s sudden shift in demeanor only making him angrier than he had already been. ‘She’s safe. Hopefully lying low until all of this is over.’

‘Where is she?’

‘I don’t know- with friends? Hotel? Did she not text you?’

‘Where’s my little girl-’

‘She’s not your little girl! She is a grown woman. Are you- Are you even hearing yourself?’

‘Did you convince her to walk away? Like you did? Like Daniil did?’

‘What-’

‘I lost all my children! I have no one left anymore!’

‘Mother-’

‘How dare you call me that?!’

Nadya’s voice pierced through the room, shattering Vitali’s eardrums as his breath got caught in his throat and he choked back a sob. He had walked closer again- had not even noticed it and quickly stepped back, his back finding the front door and his head colliding with the cold metal a lot harder than he had meant for.

‘This is all your fault,’ Nadya sneered, following him and pointing a finger right at his chest. ‘You tore this entire family apart!’

‘What did I do?’ Vitali yelled back, desperately throwing up his hands in response and pushing himself away from the door again, exhaustion spilling into every single move he made.

‘You were never there! Always with that- friend of yours, and- of course your siblings follow your lead! You hated us and you made your siblings hate us too!’

‘You didn’t love me! I didn’t want to be home anymore, you-’

‘I gave you everything I had! I took care of you!’

‘You decided to be a fucking parent, not me! I didn’t ask to be born-’

‘I should have never had you!’

‘It’s a little too fucking late for that now!’

The silence after the storm always hurt the most.

That deafening silence, gnawing its way into his body, chewing on his bones. The entire world around him seemingly holding its breath and the dust slowly settling down. All he had seen for that entire minute that had passed, was red- and as it slowly faded, all there was left was just Vitali and Nadya, standing right in front of each other in a cold and dark room way too small to hold the both of them at once.

‘How dare you claim you took care of me when you didn’t let me have anything to eat anything all day until dinner whenever I would misbehave in your eyes?’ Vitali slowly said, his voice barely stable anymore as he moved his head along with his mother’s futile attempts to look away from him.

‘You fucking treated me like shit. Treated me like the third parent in the household- made me do so much work as if it was my job, as if I didn’t have classes to attend, homework to worry about. And to top it all off I never did any of it right in your eyes.’

‘Perhaps I was a bit hard on you from time to time, but-’

‘Do you know what I remember from my time at home?’

Another silence.

Nadya looked about as exhausted as Vitali felt. He could stay quiet, now- point made, lesson learned, he could walk away and it wouldn’t change a thing because none of what he would say to her would make a fucking difference anyway.

But he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

Still, after all those years.

Or perhaps because of it.

Perhaps because he finally had the strength to say what he had always wanted to say to her. Perhaps because it finally did not matter anymore- he no longer risked getting kicked out of the house, and it did not matter what his mother would think because he was not planning on ever seeing her again anyway and if she truly regretted the things she had done to him she wouldn’t have yelled at him about it now in the first place.

‘Anger,’ Vitali bluntly said. ‘Fighting. Yelling. Always fucking yelling at us. You yelling no one ever helped you. That you had to do everything yourself. Yelling that you wished you had normal children. And now you are blaming me for driving your children away from home? Truly?’

‘Vitali-’

‘Do not say that name.’ Vitali clenched his jaw when Nadya, visibly startled by the sharpness of his words, took a defensive step back.

‘You don’t deserve to call me that.’

‘Your mother will come around,’ Matvey said, hesitantly placing his hand on Vitali’s back. ‘Just…give her some time.’

‘You heard her,’ Vitali blurted out through sobs, angrily rubbing his eyes as if it would stop his tears from flowing. ‘I’m not normal to her. Wish I had never fucking told you anything.’

He pulled up his legs, ignoring his father’s sigh as he buried his face into his knees and gripped his hair with shaking hands, only barely able to hold in the urge to rip it out of his head in frustration.

‘She did not mean that, мое солнышко,’ Matvey quietly said, but Vitali could hear the hesitance in his voice. ‘Now- What would you like us to call you from now on?’

‘I was grieving,’ Nadya coldly said. With her back turned toward the only light source in the apartment, the shadows cast on her face caused her piercing eyes to appear almost dead to Vitali, the way they bore two burning holes straight into his skull. ‘I needed more time.’

‘More time for what?’ he sneered back. ‘Pretend that I died?’

She had refused to speak to him for an entire month.

‘Your “grief” had nothing to do with me,’ Vitali continued, every word leaving his mouth like a bullet to his mother’s chest. ‘It was all about you. You lost your perfect little girl. People had to feel sorry for you. I had to be patient with you. You didn’t care what all of it did to me. How all of it made me feel. You just cared about yourself and about this- this perfect fake image you had of me in your head.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘Why? Because I’m right? Because you don’t want to hear that you were in the wrong?’ Vitali scoffed, and spat on the ground. ‘Not fucking surprising. You’ve never taken criticism well.’

It was quiet, now.

All the previous background noise had faded away, leaving nothing but painful static and ringing- as if Vitali had been caught up in an explosion.

Dust settling around him.

Just the two of them, in that same, small room.

‘Did you really come all this way just to tell me I’m a horrible mother?’ Nadya asked, her voice ridden from all emotion, silent tears rolling down her hollow cheeks.

Vitali slightly tilted his head and opened his mouth- but he stopped himself. Mind running back, replaying their conversation in his head- once, twice- looking for where it went wrong, looking for the very moment it had derailed into a fight, looking for the right words to say-

He couldn’t say for sure.

One moment they hadn’t been fighting, and the next, they had.

‘Suppose I did,’ he flatly answered. ‘But what does it matter- I’m a horrible daughter, aren’t I?’

He briefly paused, sucking in a shaky breath as he averted his gaze to the floor, watching a single tear fall down and land on his shoe- and he looked back up at his mother, allowing a wry smile to spread on his face.

‘I guess we deserve each other.’

And with that, he turned around, opening the front door and walking out without as much as looking back. He heard Nadya sob, yet it did him nothing- no grief, no regret, no guilt.

Nothing to do with any of it.

Not secretly pulling the strings from behind the curtain. Just a bystander, watching from the sidelines while Matvey desperately tried to get a grasp on his reputation again- nothing more than an act of childish revenge, an attempt at trying to be in control of a situation caused first and foremost by Arasaka and single-handedly made worse by no one other than he himself.

Just as Vitali had already expected.

But he’d had to know for sure.

Though now, he was unsure if it had been worth it.

‘Vitali.’

Matvey repeated the name after him slowly, as if deep in thought.

‘Is it not good?’ Vitali quietly asked, instantly feeling new tears well up in his eyes and bracing himself, getting ready for his heart to shatter a second time that day.

‘Of course it is good.’ Matvey paused and gave him a playful push against his shoulder, causing the corners of Vitali’s mouth to curl up into a smile. ‘It suits you.’

Vitali tripped over his own feet and fell forward, the world spinning around him as he only just managed to catch himself on the railing of the stairs. Someone hurried over to him and reached out to help, but he politely thanked them and waved them away as he dragged himself back up.

‘What does it mean?’ Daniil asked, reaching out to grab the cord of Vitali’s hoodie and pull on it as hard as he could.

‘Dunno, didn’t look,’ Vitali answered, swatting his brother’s hand away. ‘I just…liked the sound of it.’

He was nauseous. On the verge of throwing up- but he kept his composure, stumbling toward the elevator and ramming his fist on the call button, a stinging pain shooting up through his wrist and arm to his shoulder on impact.

‘Vitali,’ Roksana slowly mumbled, stretching out every syllable for longer than necessary. ‘Is that your new name?’

‘It is, yes,’ Vitali answered, and nervously smiled at her. ‘Do you like it?’

Roksana nodded enthusiastically, managing to accidentally shake her hair loose in the process and Vitali reached out to pull it back up in a bun for her.

‘Can I change my name too when I am older?’ she asked, tilting her head as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

‘Of course,’ he answered. ‘When you’re older you can do anything you want. Even cut your hair short, if you feel like it.’

He was crying again.

Sobbing, sitting in the corner of the elevator as it slowly descended. It was empty apart from him; and he was grateful, though he knew if there had been anyone else there he would have still done the same.

He had learned nothing new. And he had known this, beforehand; yet something had caused him to go there anyway, despite his doubts, despite his worries, despite knowing how much it was going to hurt.

‘I am not calling you that.’ Nadya did not even look up from the sink and she tossed another plate into the water. ‘We gave you a perfectly fine name. You should be grateful for it.’

‘I didn’t go anywhere,’ Vitali sobbed, to nobody in particular.

‘I was still there- It was still me.’

Twelve years, yet they had fought like they had not even been apart for a single minute. Every word they had said to each other had been a word too much- each sentence like a cut, a stab to the chest, splitting open skin and flesh and years of misery and exposing muscle and bone and memories of a past drowned in the depths of Vitali’s mind.

He could have known.

Could have known it would all amount to nothing, could have known it would only hurt him more than any of his other family members ever could. And he opened his mouth to scream- yet no sound left his throat, and the silence surrounding him swallowed him once more.

Vitali was still sitting.

The elevator had arrived at ground level ten minutes ago.

Loud music blasted through the small apartment in the Glen, closing in on midnight. Normally, the neighbors would have complained; but with the party going on several floors down with the music turned up twice as high, Vitali’s old Samurai record was more merely distant ambient noise than anything else.

Despite the music playing, most lights in the apartment were off. Not as if there was a lot to it- a single room holding the living room, kitchen and a mattress on the floor as bed alike, and a small bathroom in the corner; and the only sources of light were a string of LED lights around the bathroom mirror and the screen of Vitali’s phone.

It was December.

His birthday was closing in; a day he dreaded, haunted by memories of Mikhail and the fact he was no longer in his life. For a brief moment he had hoped to not have to spend the day all by himself- but his newest relationship had lasted not longer than a month and after an argument during their breakup had nearly turned physical Vitali had wisely decided to cut the guy out of his life entirely.

And Nick wasn’t around anymore either.

It had hit him a lot harder than he had expected. Had found out at the start of his final year in college that Nick would be away for an internship for the first semester, and he had not even bothered letting Vitali know. Of course he had been angry- so angry he had blocked the man he had once called his friend- and at some point even more- out of his life and he had not looked back since.

He had looked back, in the past. Many, many times. A dozen second chances too much and now Nick was truly gone and Vitali was all alone once again.

He sat on the bathroom floor, back against the wall and his phone next to him, two fresh cracks in the screen that hadn’t been there before. The music blaring in the adjacent room had become background noise to him an hour ago already; he had left his hearing aid on his desk and the door to the bathroom was only slightly ajar, blocking out most of the noise.

Vitali had expected many things to happen that year, especially following the sudden surgery he had needed on his leg after he had fallen down a set of stairs. Had expected things to get worse for him, one way or another; get fired from yet another job to the point he wouldn’t be able to pay for his stacking medical bills anymore, or perhaps get sent out of school for missing too many classes-

But he had never expected to ever receive a text from his baby sister, asking him when he would come home.

He missed Roksana.

He missed her a lot more than he cared to admit, and Daniil too, much to his own surprise. Missed their presence in the house, hearing their giggling from Daniil’s room, or their banter from the living room, seeing their glasses and dirty dishes stacked up on the kitchen counter when doing the dishes at night-

He was drunk.

Very much so. It had been a while since he had let himself go like he had that night, but he’d still had the bottles of cheap liquor anyway and they sure as hell weren’t going to empty themselves.

And he regretted it now, a little bit. It hadn’t numbed the pain for him at all, it hadn’t caused him to stop thinking about the quiet evenings he used to have with his family, whenever his mother wouldn’t be home. It hadn’t made him feel any better and it hadn’t even helped him fall asleep.

Vitali slowly dragged himself up from the floor, hair tangled together in front of his eyes and he accidentally ripped out a knot when he tried to brush it aside. He tightly gripped the sink with both hands, dragging his nails over the outside of it in an attempt to stay calm as the pain slowly faded, and his hazy eyes found his reflection in the mirror.

He looked like a wreck.

More corpse than human at that point, skin much paler than it used to be and freezing cold to the touch. Permanently bloodshot eyes, lips chapped to the point they bled every single day-

The dark roots of his hair were showing. He needed to buy more bleach again soon.

A quiet sob left his throat and he closed his eyes, bumping his head into the mirror in front of him and leaning heavily on his elbows on the sink. His stomach was doing somersaults in his body- he had barely eaten anything that day, causing the alcohol in his system to do more damage than usual and he was starting to become light-headed.

Mistake, after mistake, after mistake- It never ended for him. Each time he had thought to be on rock bottom something else would happen and he would figure out a way to dig himself deeper into that hole, not knowing if he would ever manage to crawl his way back out again.

But it did not matter anymore. Soon enough he would be done with college and he would join Arasaka, and then even those who had managed to stick with him through all his previous fuck-ups would inevitably leave his side as well and he would be all by himself for the rest of his days.

How Roksana had even managed to text him, was a mystery to Vitali. As far as he was concerned his family wanted nothing to do with him anymore; they had ignored his every attempt at reconnecting to the point he had simply given up.

But now he did not know what to do anymore.

Should he text back? Ignore her?

Vitali sucked in a deep breath and lifted his head again, swaying lightly from side to side as he lifted both hands and tried once more to fix his hair. Yet the more he tried to brush his fingers through it, the more it seemed to tangle up in itself- until fresh tears blurred his view to the point he couldn’t even see himself anymore.

Why the fuck do I even bother?

He slammed his hand down on the sink and blindly managed to find the scissors he had taken with him from the living room. Did not even think twice as he grabbed a strand of his nearly hip-length hair and-

Snip.

One strand.

And another.

And another.

And another.

Vitali kept cutting and cutting and cutting, tears dripping down onto his tank top and into the sink. He accidentally scraped one of the scissor blades past his finger- and his tears rapidly mixed with a few drops of deep red blood.

He loved his hair.

He had always done so- but his mother too.

She had been obsessed with it, and when he had decided to bleach it she had been livid. But for some reason she had still allowed him to do it as many times as he wanted, as if she believed it would at least stop him from cutting it short, even after he had come out as transgender.

And it had worked, somehow. He had never even dared to think about picking up a pair of scissors.

Vitali let a single scream leave his lips as he threw the scissors down into the sink, gripping the edge tightly again as he nearly lost his balance. He was out of breath; shaky, shallow inhales providing him with just enough oxygen to not pass out, and he slowly looked back up at his reflection.

And in that split second of realization, he regretted it.

All of it.

A sudden clarity washed over him and his sobs faltered, deafening silence washing over the bathroom as he carefully brushed his now neck-length hair out of his face. It was uneven; some strands barely even reached his chin.

He looked different, now.

Could barely recognize himself.

A quiet, shaky sob spilled from his lips and he instinctively reached for his mouth, covering it with his hand to silence himself, smearing blood on his cheek. He shook his head- as if it would undo all of it, as if it would turn back time for him- surely this was just a bad dream. Surely he did not just- Surely he didn’t-

Vitali cried.

Quietly now.

Weakly leaning on the sink, hand still over his mouth to muffle his own sobs, shoulders pulled up tightly- he was cold.

It was freezing in the apartment.

He cried, slowly sinking through his knees until he was on the floor once again, legs pulled up to his chest as he shivered so hard he could hear something crack in his neck. He reached up, shaky hand grabbing his hair- fingers burying themselves into what little was left of it.

Yet another mistake he could not undo. Another mistake that no amount of alcohol, no amount of drugs, no amount of sex and no amount of cigarettes could ever set right- and the only one he could blame for it was himself.

It had always just been himself.

Minutes went by. Hours went by. The record in the living room stopped playing, at some point; the cops showed up to the party downstairs, and the world became quiet. Went to sleep, left Vitali alone with his regret- several empty bottles, a broken phone screen and a bathroom floor covered in hair and stained with tears.

His screen lit up again.

Vitali was no longer crying. Had tired himself out; no more tears left to cry and his throat felt thick and his eyes felt heavy.

He reached for his phone and scooped it up from the ground, unlocking it and quickly clicking away from the still opened text message from Roksana. Swiped down, to see the notification-

Jackie.

Asking him if he wanted to stop by in the morning.

Vitali shakily exhaled and slowly sat up, his entire body sore and protesting with every single move. He hadn’t seen Jackie in a while, now; had stayed away for- several reasons, reasons he did not want to bring up to his friend.

He didn’t need to know. Nobody needed to know.

But he needed to talk to someone.

And he needed a haircut, now. Couldn’t go out looking like how he did.

His thumb hovered above the call button for a while, eyes briefly glossing over again as he stared at the picture of Jackie. It was a horrible selfie, taken when Vitali had reconnected with him after so many years and had finally put his number into his phone. He hadn’t had the heart yet to change it to something else.

He was hesitating.

Not sure why- Jackie was clearly still awake, and clearly wanted to see him.

Vitali briefly looked up, glancing at the state of his bathroom. Feeling ashamed now, to nobody in particular. It was not as if he got any visitors anymore, anyway. He would clean it up in the morning.

Mistake, after mistake, after mistake.

It was exhausting, but for some reason Vitali seemingly couldn’t stop making them. Nobody but himself to blame and he knew he could deal with the situation alone, like he had always done, one way or another.

But he pressed the call button anyway.

‘Come in, mi niño. Sit.’

Vitali was unsure how he had found his way to el Coyote Cojo.

It was surprisingly cool inside, a stark contrast with the suffocatingly hot summer air on the street behind him, even at that hour of the night. The lights were dimmed, leaving most of the bar in a warm, orange glow, and the music was significantly quieter than Vitali was used to during his visits in broad daylight.

He slowly followed Mama Welles up the steps on the left side of the bar, carefully navigating around some drunk clientele- it was far past midnight but the place was still bustling with life, and while usually it would have bothered him it was a welcoming sight this time, the comfortable and familiar atmosphere of the bar finally allowing his heartbeat to settle down.

‘You look like a ghost,’ Mama Welles said, turning back to him and reaching out; the sudden movement startled him a little, but he allowed her to cup his face with her hands and tuck a loose strand of hair behind his ear. ‘You went to see her then, hm?’

‘How do you know?’ Vitali asked, brow narrowing as he watched Mama Welles sit down on one of the stools at the table in the corner of the bar.

‘Viktor called,’ she simply answered. ‘He is worried about you, you know.’

It didn’t surprise Vitali all that much. He knew Guadalupe and Viktor talked, occasionally- especially after Jackie had passed, the two of them had found comfort in a conversation every now and then, during Viktor’s sparing visits to the bar or over the phone during either of their breaks from work.

It was strange to Vitali. He knew both of them through Jackie, but said friend wasn’t even there anymore.

‘Beer?’

Mama Welles’ gentle voice dragged him out of his thoughts and Vitali quickly shook his head, not allowing himself to reconsider the question. He let a deep exhale leave his body, and the noises of the bar around him instantly grounded him again.

He was glad he had found his way there instead of yet another mistake.

‘So,’ Mama Welles said, setting both beer bottles she’d grabbed back in the crate beside the table and resting her arms on the tabletop between them. ‘What did you find out?’

‘I- Not much.’ A quiet sigh left Vitali’s lips and he lowered his gaze, a tight knot in his throat making it hard for him to speak. ‘A lot of things I already knew. A lot of things I- I did not need to hear.’

Although some of the details had by then managed to slip his mind, he knew that within a couple of hours it would all come back to him. It had always gone exactly like that; he would have a few hours to wonder what he had done or said wrong for the conversation to turn into a fight, only to then find out that there was not much he could have done differently to prevent it from happening in the first place other than keeping his mouth shut.

But he couldn’t stay silent all the time. He was allowed to speak his mind.

He was allowed to express himself, without the risk of the conversation tumbling head first into an all-consuming forest fire.

‘I don’t understand what she’s still doing here,’ Vitali quietly continued, briefly glancing into the rest of the bar- almost as if he feared she would be there in the crowd, listening in on them. ‘Plenty of opportunities to leave. She claims she has nothing to do with it, so- I don’t know what’s causing her to stay.’

Mama Welles sighed softly and lowered her gaze to the table. ‘It could be something as simple as love, mijo.’

‘I don’t think it is.’

Vitali scoffed and balled his fist, shaking his head. ‘I don’t think they’ve ever been in love.’

He could not remember the last time he had seen his parents kiss.

He knew they used to, at some point; vividly remembered giggling with Daniil about it, right before either their mother or father would playfully toss a pillow in their direction to shut them up.

Was it before Roksana had been born?

‘Oh, but they were.’ Mama Welles chuckled and shook her head, the smile instantly fading from her face again the second she took a moment to think. ‘They loved each other so, Vito- both of them willing to go against their parents just so they could be together.’

Vitali frowned. He hadn’t really known his grandparents, on either side of the family; and probably for the better, too, considering how neither of his parents had ever brought them up. All he knew was they had left them a fortune; and some of them had worked for Arasaka too, in locations outside of Night City.

‘What do you mean?’ he asked, finally feeling a little bit more like himself now that some time had passed and the pleasant interior of the bar had managed to drag him back to reality. Mama Welles looked at him and smiled again; though she looked weary now, the memories of her childhood best friend clearly not easy for her to think about.

‘Nadya’s parents were…traditional, to say the least,’ she said. ‘She was already on thin ice for being friends with me, let alone fall for a troublemaker as rowdy and bold as your father. And Matvey’s parents-’ Mama Welles paused to scoff and she threw a vague gesture while muttering something in Spanish that made Vitali respectfully avert his gaze- ‘I shall not speak about them.’

Vitali had never heard stories of his parents’ past. Had been curious about it before but had never been brave enough to ask about it, unsure if he was even allowed to talk about things like that.

But hearing his father described as a troublemaker only raised more questions to him than it answered them and he dug his nails into the palm of his hand until the pain became louder than the voice in his head yelling at him to ask for further elaboration.

‘She could not shut up about him.’

Mama Welles’ gaze was fixed on something behind Vitali, a sad look in her eyes he could not quite place. ‘And then when they finally found each other in the middle, they refused to let each other go- but for that they both had to become something that they were not. To fit in. To meet expectations.’

To meet expectations.

Something about it made Vitali’s stomach turn and he bit the inside of his cheek as he turned his head away, heartbeat spiking unexpectedly. As if someone up above had noticed his struggles- Pepe suddenly appeared next to them and placed two glasses of water on their table, and he playfully ruffled Vitali’s hair before making his way back to the bar.

‘It was- just an act, yes?’ Vitali quietly asked, grabbing his glass and taking a quick sip between sentences. ‘What went wrong?’

‘The constant pretending became…too much for your mother to handle. She changed. And for the worse.’ Mama Welles paused again and reached for her own glass, fiddling with it a little as she took a deep breath before speaking up again.

‘Your father handled it much better, but- even he could not stay unwavering when your mother started showing change. Loved her so he could not walk away so he was forced to adjust as necessary.’

It made sense to Vitali. It fit with what he knew- Matvey constantly swallowing his pride and taking whatever unfair bullshit Nadya would toss his way with minimal to no complaining, and even though Vitali had back then never understood why his father allowed any of that to happen, he understood it now.

Matvey had loved Nadya.

But had Nadya loved Matvey, still?

‘Family is…a complicated thing, Vito.’

Mama Welles shifted on her stool and reached out; Vitali allowed her to gently place her hand over his, and she gave it a soft squeeze. ‘Complicated, but- it is all about respect. Jaquito could give me an attitude, but at the end of the day he always looked out for me. He always came home to his mother.’

She smiled wearily and Vitali clenched his jaw, turning his hand and taking hers into both his own tightly. ‘And there were days where I could grab him by the shoulders to try to shake some sense into him every time he would do something stupid again, but… At the end of it all, he was-’

Mama Welles paused again, sucking in a shaky breath before continuing.

‘He is- still my son. And that will never, ever change.’

Vitali missed Jackie.

He still thought about him every single day. More than a year had passed now; but it still felt like yesterday to him, for some reason.

Perhaps because he had never gotten a moment to properly mourn the loss of his childhood best friend. He had immediately needed to shift his attention to Vincent; finding him, trying to nurse him back to health, trying to find a way to get rid of the Relic and then leaving town to try and stop his imminent death only to die himself and wake up from it in Arasaka’s control-

And now, all of this.

But he missed him so.

And he knew Mama Welles did, too. More than anyone else.

‘I don’t know what to do about this anymore,’ Vitali quietly spoke, slowly pulling back his hands as exhaustion washed over him. ‘What to think about this. She’s not- She’s not behind Matvey’s actions, but she still has stakes here. I doubt she’s only sticking around because she loves him because I don’t think there has been any love there in a long, long time.’

Mama Welles nodded understandingly and cupped Vitali’s face with her hand, running her thumb over his skin as if trying to rub something away.

‘I can tell you what to do,’ she said. ‘Viktor can tell you what to do. Mikhail or V or- or Cato, I think her name was, or- anyone else can tell you what to do, but- ultimately this is your decision. You have to ask yourself, what do you want?’

Vitali lost track of that a long time ago.

‘All I ever wanted was to have a family,’ he bluntly answered. ‘And now that they’re back, I’m just- I’m losing them all over again.’

Matvey. Daniil. Roksana. Nadya.

One by one showing their face, one by one leaving him to his own devices in their own ways. In hindsight it had been childishly naive of him to expect anything else from them; yet something had caused him to- to still have-

‘Do you still have hope?’

Vitali blinked, slowly looking back up at Mama Welles. He had no more tears to cry, though the overwhelming sadness pressing down onto his chest still forced a strangled sob to leave his throat and he closed his eyes when she soothingly brushed his hair out of his face.

‘What would I be without it?’

Vitali had always had hope.

Somehow, despite it all- no matter what had happened, no matter how far he had managed to dig himself into that hole- he had always had hope, deep down inside of himself.

Something was different.

Something had changed, in the hostility between himself and his father- he had felt it, and it had to mean something.

Perhaps Vitali did not need the help of his siblings, or the help of his mother. Perhaps this time- just this once- he would be enough. Perhaps he could still- Perhaps there was still a chance that-

‘Then you fight for it,’ Mama Welles said, and she leaned forward to give Vitali a kiss on his forehead. ‘Like you have always done, mijo.’

Somehow, Vitali had never given up.

He had not given up when his mother had not accepted him. He had not given up when he had left home, when he had not been able to reconnect with his family anymore. He had not given up when he had run out of money, and had not given up when school had found out about his alternative ways of making ends meet. He had not given up after his sudden surgery, had not given up after his countless of injuries at Arasaka- had not given up after getting fired and had sure as hell not given up looking for Vincent’s body on that damned landfill for fourteen hours straight-

Mama Welles gently ran her hand through Vitali’s hair, softly humming as she fixed some strands that had fallen down his forehead for him.

‘It is getting long, no?’ she said, smiling softly at him as she gently tapped his cheek.

‘Stop by when you find the time next week. I’ll cut it for you.’

[bargainoriley]

A Saucerful Of Secrets (1968)

Ok so I’m making these thoughts I have more coherent for this album and also for each song!

Let There Be More Light

I really love the bass line here and the intro (it feels very badass), also the way the song is sung is really cool. It kind of has spooky vibes. I already feel this is a darker (and also more heavy) album than the last one!

2. Remember A Day

This one is really cute! I love Rick’s voice here and the melody. Why do these early Floyd songs all have such incredible melodies??? The instrumental is lovely, especially the piano, and it has great vibes all around.

3. Set The Controls For The Heart of The Sun

This is so spooky! I love it. Especially how Roger’s vocals and the instrumental contribute to the dark, intimate, and spooky vibes/atmosphere. The synths here also amazing (I forgot to mention this for The Piper At The Gates of Dawn, the synths there are also amazing). This song honestly gives me old Doctor Who intro vibes. I’ll link it here so you guys know what I mean

4. Corporal Clegg

I love the surreal vibes of this! I also really like the story that is being told here through the lyrics. This song is a banger (the beat/the drums is/are really good here). Honestly a very Beatles-esque song, and it also reminds me of Tommy tbh. Also the kazoos are silly (I love silly things so this is a win for me). I also really like the delivery of the lyrics and the singing/harmonies.

5. A Saucerful of Secrets

Wow the beginning is very ominous! It kind of reminds me of those sounds captured from planets in space (like the Sun or mercury or Venus, if you know what I mean). This song in general gives me vibes like as if it’s portraying a secret extraterrestrial world. Very very creepy and dark. This song reminds me of that one part in echoes with the whale noises only darker. When the drums kick in it feels like there’s a march going on. A very chaotic song, but I can’t help but like it. Kind of sounds like a very very bad acid trip. The ending though with the keys and orchestra and singing is really great and beautiful, it kind of reminds me of a funeral (because of the organ), but it has a very hopeful vibe as well (in contrast to the rest of the song). Maybe there is a hopeful future for this dark and hopeless extraterrestrial world? This part had me ascending because it was so beautiful

Edit: Here’s the video of the sounds of planets if you haven’t heard them before! It’s really fascinating in my opinion (i love space/astronomy stuff), and I think the intro here sounds the closest to how the sun sounds in this video

6. See-Saw

The beautiful vibes of the last song continue here. It has a very lovely sounding melody with an acoustic guitar and piano. The orchestra is beautiful as well (I’m a sucker for an orchestra in classic rock songs). The vocal harmonies are beautiful as well. I’m really realizing how beautiful and lovely Rick’s voice is. This reminds me of a Beatles song as well! Also the wah wah guitar on this album is great (something I really noticed here and on another song). The xylophone here is also a nice addition.

7. Jugband Blues

A very melancholic song in my opinion. The contrast between the sad lyrics and the happy sounding instrumental is very interesting! This provides for a sad/tragic ending to the album (we all know what happened to Syd after this album unfortunately :( ). It also gives me major Space Oddity vibes (maybe Bowie was inspired?). The song gives me the vibes/theme of keeping up a happy facade, even though inside you feel sad/betrayed/angry or you’re losing your mind. It’s also very different from the other songs on this album (it sounds like as if it were from their first album). This feels like the last hurrah from Syd-era Floyd, having bitter and honest lyrics about how Syd feels about the band kicking him out.

In general I really liked this album as well! I am intrigued how the next albums are going to be

[jetstarred]

what i listened to in july 2024!

total albums: 5 top 3 albums: Dance Gavin Dance (DGD), Nuestras Manos Son Incendios (Adios Cometa, Brat (Charli xcx) click read more for full reviews :3

Downtown Battle Mountain II - Dance Gavin Dance (2011)

Fav song: Thug City

Honestly every dgd album I listen to I like a lot and I have essentially the same things to say. Love Jon Mess’s vocals, Will Swan blows me away with his guitar, and overall I think the contrast between the clean vocals and the screaming is a huge part of the charm for me. I think I’d have to listen to this album on loop for a week straight to truly appreciate it more and have more specific things to say about it. You can expect more dgd (and swancore in general) reviews in the future since I can't escape them.

Rating: 7/10

Dance Gavin Dance - Dance Gavin Dance (2008)

Fav song: Hot Water on Wool

Aaaand here’s the more dgd (I was in a dgd mood traveling back from Minnesota what can I say)! And FUCK this album is so good. From the first song I was straight groovin. I was already very familiar with Uneasy Hearts Weigh The Most and honestly, the rest of this album sounds pretty different. In that song there’s barely any Jon vocals, but he’s very present throughout the rest of the album. I’d say Uneasy Hearts is the most accessible song on the whole album, which is no insult to either that song or the rest of the album. It’s an extremely solid mix of heavy and melodic. Not to mention, Jon and Kurt sound amazing together. I really wish Kurt had stayed as their vocalist cause he sounds SO GOOD here. I also really enjoyed the Chino Moreno feature and think he fit in really well. Overall, I liked this album so much and it might be my favorite of all the dgd albums I’ve heard in full.

Rating: 8/10

Nuestras Manos Son Incendios - Adiós Cometa (2024)

Fav song: Costanera

This album is a shoegaze inspired album from a Costa Rican band and is completely in Spanish! Over the past year or so I’ve been trying to get into more Spanish music, and Adiós Cometa has been a wonderful find due to that. I became obsessed with their song Norte off of La Isla Que Somos and I’m very happy that this album is of a similar sound to that ep. This album is a very nice evolution of their sound, sounding even more dreamy and atmospheric than their first ep. Having a completely instrumental track open the album sets the atmosphere and mood of the album, letting you familiarize yourself with the sound of this band. It’s some beautiful, dreamy shoegaze that gives way to the more upbeat second track. I think there's a nice variety in the mood of each song, while sticking very close to the atmosphere set up in the first track. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this album and am very happy to have found this band!

Rating: 8/10

Brat - Charli xcx (2024)

Fav song: Everything is romantic

I’m nearly two months late but I’m finally in Brat summer! Going in I knew this album would be a bit overhyped for me, and I was right. That didn’t stop me from enjoying the album a lot but overall I don’t love it as much as others. And I don’t really have much to say that hasn’t already been said by other people. I do think this is one of those albums everyone should listen to if they like pop music. I’ll be shocked if it doesn’t win a Grammy next year.

Rating: 8/10

Megan - Megan Thee Stallion (2024)

Fav song: Cobra

It’s CRAZY that Hiss starts off this song and I love it. You can tell this album was both a response to all the shit talking people did on Megan over the past couple years, and her just exploring the music she wanted to make. Overall, the album did sound a little repetitive to me, but the songs that stood out were very enjoyable to me. I haven't listened to much of Megan’s discog so I don't know how this album stands with her previous music. But I think it was pretty solid and like a lot of the songs a lot :)

Rating: 7/10

[wedreamedlove]

Xu Mo vs. Mo Yi [Character Study]

I can never get over the aesthetic of these two pictures placed side by side LOL. But, anyway, the point of this post is to nip any undue comparisons in the bud and claims of copying organize my thoughts and compare these two characters to highlight their similarities, differences, and further explore each character through these contrasts.

Q) If you like Xu Mo, would you like Mo Yi?

Honestly, I think this depends on what you like most about Xu Mo. I already knew beforehand that I gravitate towards characters who think 5 steps ahead, are predominantly logical, and scholars/gentlemen, so it’s not surprising I bias both Xu Mo and Mo Yi.

However, as I got to know Mo Yi further (Themis is around 6 months old now), I find that he’s distinctively different from Xu Mo on three crucial points that’ll determine whether people from either camp will like the other character.

1) Stance on Others

In a post for Xu Mo, “Into Your World”, I argued that Xu Mo is an alienated genius who had troubles getting along with others, until he mastered the social game as an adult. However, you can still see glimpses of this as he tries to understand MC’s world and shares his own.

To be fair, Mo Yi’s past is still under wraps but I feel confident in saying that, while he was probably highly intelligent compared to his peers [SR Sculpted Heart], his isolation doesn’t seem to come from his innate nature but rather his social position (there’s heavy implications that he’s like some sort of noble or something) [SR Snowy Pine Fairytale].

IMO, these backgrounds really shaped the way these two men interact with the world.

Xu Mo has a detached and indifferent view towards other people. They simply exist and don’t bring anything positive or negative to him. His ambition to ensure the survival of humanity reflects this too because it’s pure utilitarianism; everyone (apart from MC) can be sacrificed equally for the greater good. If anything, he probably finds other people to be interesting subjects to study, no matter what kind of person they are. IIRC the only time he expressed dislike to people, or a group of people, was when he told Hades he enjoyed killing thieves LOL.

Meanwhile, Mo Yi has an elitist streak to the point where he and his MC actually clashed opinions and debated each other [SR Warm Fingertips]. It’s incredibly ironic because he’s a psychiatrist who treats his patients without judgment, but at the same time he looks down on so many things and people (PUAs, people who betray love, hypocrites who only seek power and fame) [Ch2; Personal Story Ch1-3; SSR Moonlit Ball].

One of the things I noticed early on is that Xu Mo draws from the Eastern scholar archetype, “Xu Mo Character Study”, while Mo Yi actually draws more from the Western gentleman archetype.

So, just to summarize this section, Xu Mo is detached from the world naturally and likes to observe people and try to blend in. Mo Yi deliberately draws a line between him and others and, at times, has the casual cruelty of someone born as nobility (arrogance is carved into his bones, even if he tends to keep it low-key because he generally has a “gentle and polite” attitude).

2) Stance on Love

Xu Mo didn’t understand love, or really even emotions. Love is grown between him and his MC (there’s multiple analogies throughout the game about how their love is like a seed). I think [Ch25] pretty much sums it up for Xu Mo, where he goes through that emotional rollercoaster and muses about how, at the end of human evolution, emotions should be discarded. He also admits that MC taught him the “fear” of a normal person, because now he has someone he cannot give up no matter what, which goes against his previous utilitarian beliefs.

Compared to this, Mo Yi fell in love at first sight. Yes, you read that right. The “scientist and logical” archetype fell in love at first sight LOL. Not only does he acknowledge it right off the bat, but he fully embraces it too and believes that real love makes people better versions of themselves [Personal Story]. Mo Yi is a through and through psychiatrist in that he never underestimates how primal emotions (and love) can be.

Heck, not only is this central to his personal story, but we also have hints that one of Mo Yi’s parents fell in love at first sight with the other person (and he inherited their predisposition for that). Unfortunately, their love had a tragic end and Mo Yi seems to have a huge grudge against his father for whatever happened to his mother (again, Mihoyo is keeping this a mystery LOL), but Mo Yi explicitly confirms that even if his love leads to a tragic end he will still walk down this road and attempt to change it [SR Cool Summer].

IMO one other difference between them re: love is this exchange that lives rent free in my head which I saw in a Xu Mo/Reader/Mo Yi fanfiction LOL. Bear with me here.

Mo Yi: Wearing a mask for a long time will tire you.

Xu Mo: It’s enough just to wear one in front of the necessary person.

Xu Mo and his MC make great efforts to understand each other’s worlds, but this understanding comes from the doors he chooses to open to her. He reveals himself as much as possible, but I think he’s an inherently private person (and there’s all that Ares stuff) so there are times where he hides things so that he doesn’t worry his MC. I think this is enough to count as a “mask”. Sometimes he pretends he’s okay when he’s not.

On the other hand, while I think Mo Yi shares the sentiment in not wanting his MC to worry unduly, he tries to reveal himself as much as possible. There’s an amazingly relatable conflict in him here where he wants her to know every side of him, but he’s also terrified of how she’ll react if he shows her his ugliest sides and imperfect sides (he has some sort of phobia or fear about imperfection, but Mihoyo has been keeping mum on the exact details of this so far) [Personal Story; SR Sculpted Heart].

It’s pretty ironic that Mo Yi wants to be perfect, but he realizes that the more perfect he is the more of a sense of distance there’ll be between him and his MC because of the subconscious pressure someone “perfect” brings LOL [SSR Border of Light and Darkness].

3) Stance on Growth

If you haven’t realized that one of Xu Mo’s greatest themes is the phrase “Take your time in growing”, then what have you been reading? Jkjk, but seriously this gets repeated in multiple places, although my brain always goes back to [Blossom Date] for this.

Even if he and his MC start off with fundamental differences (she believes all people have inherent worth and can’t be involuntarily sacrificed), he wants to personally watch the journey of her maturation. He also subtly guides and teaches her. Unfortunately, due to circumstances of the main story, he doesn’t get his wish and she grows up a lot out of his eyes, but their relationship still revolves around him wanting her to have as much time as possible to grow.

He’s, for a lack of better word, extremely gentle about this (setting aside as much of the Ares and story parts as we can, because LovePro’s story is tragedy on tragedy LOL). I think [Autumn Blaze Date] shows a good analogy for this, because he holds the bicycle steady for MC until she can get going on her own, and he also catches her the first time.

Meanwhile, Mo Yi... ha ha ha. I just came out of chapter 3 for his [Personal Story] and let’s just say his philosophy is tough love. It’s ironic because, in many of his other dates, he wrestles with an internal conflict to protect his MC but also to let her experience all sorts of things to both test and temper her.

This is going to touch on the previous topic about love for a moment, but a part of Mo Yi’s love at first sight experience is also “testing” the other person through all sorts of situations and, after seeing all their different sides, he can determine whether his love at first sight is one that’ll last for the rest of his life or if it’s just a fleeting moment of beauty and emotion.

He also extremely respects his MC’s sense of justice and pursuit of the truth in the world, no matter what she encounters, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this is what drew him to her in the first place. But MC’s occupation and beliefs will make her confront a lot of dark and dangerous things and so, whenever possible, Mo Yi lets her confront these in “controlled” situations to train her. If I had to make an analogy, IMO, he’d let his MC ride the bicycle and pick her up only after she falls, or when she’s like 0.1cm away from the ground LOL.

Mo Yi is (perhaps rightfully) called out on this by another character, who believes Mo Yi is too arrogant in believing everything is under his control and he can prevent MC from getting hurt whenever he lets her get into dangerous situations, and I’m interested to see if Mihoyo will let him experience failures with his philosophy so he can grow more, like the things Xu Mo went through re: his personal beliefs [Ch24].

Overall

I don’t know how well I explained myself, especially for people who don’t know anything about Mo Yi, and each section goes back and forth between the two characters LOL so here’s another section that attempts to describe their overall atmosphere.

If, like I said in my Headcanon Notes, Xu Mo makes me immediately think of all the words for soft, gentle, light, still, water, etc etc., then the words I constantly think about for Mo Yi is messily human. He’s like a bundle of contradictions, but coherent because it’s being intentionally done.

Mo Yi doesn’t discriminate against his patients, yet he can be elitist and looks down on others. He wants to let MC have dangerous experiences, but also wants to protect her. He wants to be perfect, but he also wants to reveal himself entirely to his MC because that’s real love.

In contrast, Xu Mo has a very clean and orderly personality LOL. You can draw clear cause and effect lines from his personality to his actions.

So, anyway, these are two interesting characters who start off with similar archetypes as scientific logical men of scholar/gentleman dispositions, but yet they’re also on opposite ends for a lot of things such as their approach to emotions and the world.

Oh wait, lastly, because I don’t have a good place to put this—but I think it’s funny—is that both characters are pretty possessive and greedy, but while Xu Mo does things in a sneaky, cunning and fox-like way Mo Yi gets ridiculously open about his jealousy and it’s hilariously cute but also almost childish? I often forget Mo Yi is older than Xu Mo by a year, because Xu Mo honestly feels a bit more mature than him LOL. If we count them actually aging by when their game came out though, then Mo Yi is 28 and Xu Mo is 29 now.

[dianapocalypse]

Alright y’all, with the release of Mass Effect: Legendary Edition, it’s time for me to share my playlist for the entire trilogy.

I’ve refined this over like six years so scientifically speaking it’s probably good right. oh also it’s four hours long. so if you have a road trip or a boring job, this one’s for you. disclaimer, it’s entirely possible I have garbage taste in music. I also missed some characters and moments because there’s 65 songs here and I am merely human.

If you don’t have the patience for four hours, I recommend starting at track 45 and listening to the end, as the Mass Effect 3 portion is the strongest in my opinion.

UNDER THE CUT FOR DESCRIPTIONS WE GO!

FIRST MOVEMENT - MASS EFFECT 1

1. Atlas - Coldplay Eden Prime

“Sometimes the wire Must tense for the note Caught in the fire, say oh We're about to explode“

I really like the atmosphere of this song. It’s ominous, but also somehow hopeful, and makes me feel like Something Huge Is Coming.

2. I Will Not Sing A Hateful Song - Constantines Paragon Shepard

“But I was also born and raised To always speak and listen clear To know the last sound that I make Could be the last sound that I hear“

OK, listen, I think this song is about vampires, and I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a metaphor or not. But I think this is a great song about controlling one’s temper, about knowing that you have to Rise Above the parts of you that want to lash out sometimes to get things done and have peace. Seeing as how paragon Shepard, to me, always seems like they’re three deep breaths away from snapping, but manage to keep it in check, it fits them to a T.

And also maybe they’re a vampire.

3. Hard to Kill - Beth Crowley Renegade Shepard

“So I let the rumors Turn me into a legend 'Cause I'm only human But a good myth is hard to kill”

This one’s a recent addition, but holy cow, I love it for Renegade Shep, particularly an Earthborn or Ruthless, but it works for any of them.

4. We Own the Skies - Five Iron Frenzy Joker

“My hands are bleeding where they often crack The stars will sometimes burn with longing Through the choking black Of night shifts piling each against the next”

This really vibes with Joker’s backstory for me, his super driven serious self in flight school, contrasted with who he is when he can fly a ship. He’s the best pilot in the goddamn fleet and I love him.

5. I Just Wanna See - Smash Mouth Kaidan Alenko

“Mister moon checkin' on how y'all livin' The stars all winkin' at the day that's dimmin' I just wanna see”

This song fits into his reactions to first showing up at the Citadel and his former romanticism about living in space. Ironically, it’s a song about Earth, but I feel like it works well for him. Also, Smash Mouth absolutely sounds like the kind of music Kaidan would listen to, no I will not be taking questions or constructive criticism.

6. Don’t Give Up - Noisettes Ashley Williams

“She's got a talented face and a suitcase Ain't got no desire to go no place In her case she's got no desire with her hand in the flame say's she don't feel the fire “

The energy of this song is just perfect for Ashley’s no-nonsense chip on her shoulder attitude.

7. About As Helpful As You Can Be Without Being Any Help At All - Dan Mangan The Council

“I was thrown in the boat/Cast out to sea Friendly with waves/There were sharks below Hungry for me/So I dangled my leg”

I mean, the title says it all.

8. The Captain - Guster Anderson

“Courageous, just like the captain Marching forward with no doubt in his head”

I have adored this song ever since my friend played it for me, and it’s the ultimate mentor-protégé jam for me.

9. Secret Agent Man - Johnny Rivers Garrus Vakarian

“Here's a man who leads a life of danger To everyone he meets he stays a stranger Oh, with every move he makes another chance he takes The odds are he won't live to see tomorrow”

I have to poke a little fun at Garrus and how seriously he takes himself in Mass Effect 1. I romanced him across four playthrus, I’m allowed!

10. I’m Getting Too Old For This Shit - Kill Lincoln Urdnot Wrex

“This random apathy/I swear it's killing me But I guess it's all the same, till the devil knows my name”

I don’t know ANYTHING about this band, but this song fits Wrex’s disillusionment with the Krogan well, plus, like. The title. (And also, that he secretly DOES care what happens to the Krogan.)

11. Bird Song - Juniper Vale Tali’zorah nar Rayya

“I want to dance on the horizon line But there is something I am caged behind I have a heart made for take flight But I'm low, so low”

I adore this song and the sound of Juniper Vale in general. The etherealness of this one, combined with the youthful optimism, feels very Tali. The line about ‘something I am caged behind’ works well for the suits, too. This one’s especially good if you’re a Talimancer!

12. 11. Green Garden - Laura Mvula Liara T’Soni

“And I’ll fly on the wings of a butterfly High as a tree top and down again Putting my bag down, taking my shoes off Walk on the carpet of green velvet”

I really like this song’s vibes and I feel like Liara fits it well, particularly in ME1, before all her youthful optimism is stripped from her. The scenery descriptions feel very Thessia, too.

13. Feed Me (Git It) - Little Shop of Horrors The Thorian 

“The guy sure looks like plant food to me!”

Do you get it. Do you get my joke. It’s because the Thorian is a plant that eats people. (I’m not funny)

14. Blindness - Metric Matriarch Benezia

“I was a blind fool, never complained All the survivors singing in the rain “

I don’t love the use of blind here as a negative, albeit metaphorical, descriptor, but I think this song fits Benezia’s indoctrination and death well. If you have suggestions for another, though, let me know!

15. Technologic - Daft Punk Saren

“Buy it, use it, break it, fix it, trash it, change it, mail, upgrade it”

I just think it’s Neat

16. Watershed - Vienna Teng The Reapers

“ While you were building your empires I was still sleeping”

I think this is the song that inspired the entire playlist. Vienna Teng sat down and decided to write a song from the perspective of a natural disaster, and it’s so ominous and gut-wrenching.

17. Hourglass - The Hush Sound Virmire

“This is how it ends We believe every lie and say we'll be friends How long will it last? Before we scratch all the scripts and we rework the cast “

hahahahah rework the cast get it because you have to pick who DIES

Seriously tho I really like this song for Virmire and that moment of choice that feels like it lasts 100 years on some playthroughts.

18. Pompeii - Bastille The Siege of the Citadel

“ And the walls kept tumbling down In the city that we love”

Throwback to when this song was on the radio like three times an hour. Which is around the time I made the first draft of this playlist, incidentally! It’s such a good Final Battle Jam for the Citadel, and the part about “if you close your eyes/does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all” I think work really well for Shepard in this sequence. Shepard knew the Reapers were coming, had been fighting them all along; this attack on the Citadel is just retreading familiar territory for them, as horrifying as the war being brought to their doorstep is for the Citadel’s citizens and the council. James Vega has some good dialogue about that kind of thing in ME3.

INTERLUDE THE FIRST

19. Starships - Nicki Minaj The Normandy Crew

Starships were meant to fly Hands up and touch the sky

I like to have a little fun OK

20. Gravity - Yoko Kanno The Death of Commander Shepard

“Am I alone? is somebody there beyond these heavy aching feet still the road keeps on telling me to go on”

Welcome to mood whiplash, it’s my specialty! This is the part where you die. I think it also works for her coma very well, when she’s just drifting between life and death, not sure what’s going on, but something keeps trying to pull her back to the world.

SECOND MOVEMENT - MASS EFFECT 2

21. The Phoenix - Fall Out Boy The Lazarus Project

“Hey young blood, doesn't it feel like our time is running out? I'm gonna change you like a remix Then I'll raise you like a phoenix “

this song has no right to go as hard as it does and if  you think it’s melodramatic shut up

22. My Body Is A Cage - Peter Gabriel Commander Shepard

“I'm living in an age Whose name I don't know Though the fear keeps me moving Still my heart beats so slow “

This works particularly well if you romanced The Virmire Survivor, but this song captures the energy of Shepard freaking out bc they are trapped with Cerberus, because Cerberus rebuilt their body from the ground up. That jarring, caged feeling is so palpable in ME2 that when they gave me back Joker the first time I played, I BURST INTO SOBS from relief.

23. The Lady is a Vamp - The Spice Girls Miranda Lawson

“That's all in the past, legends built to last But she's got something new”

Listen. She’s a bond babe. Handbags, heels and pistols rock. She’s got class. This is a song about Miranda. That is all.

24. Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down Jacob Taylor

“ I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon After all I knew, it had to be something to do with you “

This one’s about the Vibes for me. Also can apply to his past relationship with Miranda. I’m also super showing my age on this song, oof haha.

25. Stable Song - Death Cab For Cutie Colony Abduction

“Rows of deserted houses all Our stable mates highway bound “

I really like the mood of this one for showing up on the very first abducted colony, the eerieness and sadness of it all and Shepard’s resolve to do something about it.

26. Konichiwa Bitches - Robyn Kasumi Goto

“I'm so very hot that when I rob your mansion You ain't call the cops, you call the fire station”

THAT COUPLET ALONE MAKES THE ENTIRE SONG. I love how playful and cheeky it is.

27. Seven Nation Army Glitch Mob Remix - The White Stripes, Glitch Mob Zaeed Massani

“And I'm talking to myself at night Because I can't forget Back and forth through my mind Behind a cigarette”

Pretty sure we all had this on some playlist or another when it came out, and it’s the perfect Badass With A Grudge song.

28. Science is Real - They Might Be Giants Mordin Solus

“ And when a theory emerges Consistent with the facts The proof is with science The truth is with science “

This one actually got added by my wife to replace a song that wasn’t on Spotify, but that has the same energy; Hank Green’s “I Fucking Love Science”. I get more into the emotional side of Mordin in the ME3 section, but I also really just love his Hamster On Coffee energy and this song captures it really well.

29. Prove Yourself - Radiohead Garrus Vakarian

“I can't afford to breathe in this town Nowhere to sit without a gun in my hand Hooked back up to the cathode ray

I'm better off dead “

The absolute rock bottom mental state Garrus is in when you get back to him in ME2 is so heartwrenching. Might not always agree with my boy’s methods, but he’s one of my favorite fictional characters of all time.

30. Rat a Tat - Fallout Boy Feat. Courtney Love Jack

“We are professional ashes of roses, this kerosene's live You settled your score, this is where you come to beg”

It helps that Courtney Love sounds exactly like Jack to me, NGL.

31. Defeat You - Smash Mouth Grunt

“Hey I know what you've done It makes it that much better to defeat you “

Only I am brave enough to put two songs by Smash Mouth on the same playlist, to be shared in 2021

32. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New Horizon/The Virmire Survivor

“If it makes you less sad I will die by your hand Hope you find out what you want Already know what I am “

Hits harder if you romanced the Virmire Survivor. Mostly from Shep’s perspective. This is a Shep that feels Bad after that encounter rather than Mad, so Your Mileage May Vary.

33. Violet Stars Happy Hunting! - Janelle Monae Tali’zorah vas Neema

“I'm an alien from outer space I'm a cyber-girl without a face a heart or a mind”

I just like the vibes of this one for Tali! I know it’s more about an actual AI but...IDK. I like it. So there.

34. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd Thane Krios

“There is no pain you are receding A distant ship smoke on the horizon”

This song works both on a Literal level with his Kepral’s syndrome struggles, but also Metaphorical re: his Battle Sleep. Plus, Thane is a dad, so he gets Dad Rock.

35. My Medea - Vienna Teng Samara

“For I have made her prison be Her every step away from me And this child I would destroy If you tried to set her free “

Mom of the year award, here

36. Toxic - Britney Spears Morinth

“There's no escape, I can't wait I need a hit, baby, give me it You're dangerous, I'm loving it”

If Morinth weren’t so under-utilized after recruitment and didn’t get killed off in the background of ME3 I’d probably actually recruit her sometimes. I almost did on my most recent playthru bc that Shepard just HATES SPACE COPS. Anyway the song explains itself

37. Turn me On - David Guetta feat. Nicki Minaj EDI/The Collector Attack

“My body needs a hero Come and save me Something tells me you know how to save me”

I know this song is a metaphor but also it works really well both literally and metaphorically for Joker saving EDI

38. Robots - Dan Mangan Legion

“Robots need love too They want to be loved by you “

The Geth just want to live peacefullyyyyyy 

39. Be Still - The Killers Love Interest Theme

“Be still / someday you’ll leave fearlessness on your sleeve”

This song works so well for the night before Omega-4. If you had an ME2 love interest, anyway. Also “fearlessness on your sleeve” is one of my favorite set of words ever written.

40. No Cars Go - Arcade Fire The Omega-4 Relay

“We know a place no spaceships go We know a place where no subs go “

This one’s pretty literal.

41. Rocketman - Elton John Suicide Mission

“ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home “

I like sneaking some Classics onto my playlists, and I think this is how I generally approach Shepard’s mindset during the Suicide Mission, mostly the chorus. I’m also a sucker for ballads during action sequences. This one isn’t a perfect 1:1 but the Vibes check out.

42. Blast Off - David Guetta feat. Kaz James The Normandy Crew

“Got all my people with me And none of us give a fuck So put dem hands up higher Let's smash this party up”

You have to imagine they partied HARD after recovering from Suicide Mission, but before Shep got arrested, right??? This is the Starships for ME2.

INTERLUDE THE SECOND

43. I’m Not Your Hero - Tegan and Sara Liara T’soni

“ Feeling like I am now lighting up the hall I was used to standing in the shadow of a damaged heart Learning all I know now, losing all I did I never used to feel like I'd be standing so far ahead “

This feels like a good coming of age moment for Liara, as she copes with the choices she made in the 2 years of Shepard’s death (giving them to Cerberus), losing Feron, etc. This is her coming into her own as the Shadow Broker. She’s not meant to be an uncomplicated Big Damn Hero, but she can do good from this position.

44. The Well and the Lighthouse - Arcade Fire The Alpha Relay Incident

“I'm serving time All for a crime I did commit You want the truth? You know I'd do it all again“

These opening lines I feel capture the Alpha Relay Incident really well, and how Shepard did what they HAD to do there, and would do it again, but it still feels like shit. I always wished there was more choice on that mission, but also, having something like that happen without player agency is interesting. Shepard is at their most interesting, I think, in times where we DON’T have a say in what happens to them.

45. Reignite - Malukah Commander Shepard

“Crush my heart into embers, and I will reignite”

Is it cheating to use a Mass Effect fan song on my playlist? I certainly don’t think so, and this is the best Mass Effect fan song ever written.

THIRD MOVEMENT - MASS EFFECT 3

46. This Is War - Thirty Seconds to Mars Leaving Earth

“It's the moment of truth, and the moment to lie The moment to live and the moment to die The moment to fight, the moment to fight To fight, to fight, to fight “

It feels Too Easy to use this here but I’m gonna anyway. You’ve seen AMVs of this set to everything. It’s the ending song of DA:O. It’s the quintessential World At War song.

47. Battleborn - The Killers James Vega

“Up against the wall There's something dying on the street When they knock you down You're gonna get back on your feet”

James Vega is massively underrated and I will love him til I’m cold in the ground. Aro icon.

48. Handlebars - Flobots The Illusive Man

“I can hand out a million vaccinations Or let 'em all die of exasperation Have 'em all healed of their lacerations Have 'em all killed by assassination”

The way this song escalates fits TIM and Cerberus’s fall back into being Just Full On Evil really well. Perfect song for a power trip.

49. Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect - The Decemberists The Virmire Survivor

“And I am nothing of a builder But here I dreamt I was an architect And I built this balustrade To keep you home, to keep you safe From the outside world”

I like this song for how the Virmire Survivor feels about their survivor’s guilt and also about Shepard. I honestly wish they were both more heavily utilized in ME2 and 3, but I realize it’s hard to write a ton of content for characters who just aren’t in half of all peoples’ playthrus.

50. Heaven Knows - The Pretty Reckless Grisson Academy

“One, two, three and four, the devil's knocking at your door Caught in the eye of a dead man's lie Show your life with your head held high“

This song is so perfect for Jack and her biotic kids that she’s one of the only returning characters that gets her own song on this playlist

51. The Great Fire - OK Go Javik

“But when the flames die down, and everything is gone, Will there be fire under the ashes still?”

Self explanatory. Javik is the fire remaining under the ashes.

52. Bring the Hammer Down - Paragon Priority: Tuchanka/Kalros

“ Hammer strikes the anvil A rage that breaks the chain Strikes down like a lightening In our ranks “

KALROOOOOS

53. Wake Up - Arcade Fire Curing The Genophage/Mordin Solus

“If the children don't grow up, Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up. We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms, turnin' every good thing to Rust I guess we'll just have to adjust”

I just really love this song as an image of Mordin’s spirit looking out over Tuchanka as the genophage cure is dispersed, and watching over future generations. If you didn’t cure the genophage, how dare you. No song for you.

Anyway started tearing up listening to this one while writing the description don’t look at me

54. Ballad of a Politician - Regina Spektor Councillor Udina/Priority Citadel 2

“A man inside a room is shaking hands with other men This is how it happens/Our carefully laid plans”

traitor

55. Cyborgs vs. Robots - Ludo The Geth-Quarian War

“But your iron fist will never knock me down 'Cause I'm powered By a conscious right to conduct my life without fear.”

This is probably a bit silly for this awful war. But also. It does fit. You can’t tell me it doesn’t. Just save them both at the end and you can feel fine having some fun with it!

56. Artificial Heart - Jonathan Coulton The Geth

“It's not a real heart It is a real artificial heart”

Just a little fun with the Geth! This works best with Reaper Upgrades.

57. With A Little Help From My Friends - Joe Anderson, Jim Sturgess The Citadel DLC

“What do you see when you turn out the light? I can't tell you, but I know it's mine

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends”

I happen to prefer this version to any other because of how much fun it sounds like they’re having

58. Dark In Here - The Mountain Goats Priority: Earth

“Steal away at sundown, pick a place to hide Check for signs of ambush, hunker down inside Tired of running, tired of never standing still Hear them riding up the hill“

You know I had to get the Goats in here. Would it be a fan playlist if there wasn’t one?

59. Adieu - Yoko Kanno Leaving your Love Interest/Shepard and the Beam

“My love for you burns deep inside me / So strong Embers of times we had And now, here I stand / Lost in a memory I see your face, and smile”

...do I need to say more than that?

60. My Way (Minor Key) - Chase Holfelder The Indoctrination of The Illusive Man

“Regrets, I've had a few/But then again, too few to mention I did what I had to do/I saw it through, without exemption“

This cover takes this song from something I tolerate when I hear it to one of my FAVORITE songs. The frenzied way he sings the “through it all” verse is PEAK Indoctrinated TIM.

61. I’m Alive - Disturbed Refusal 

“There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice To change myself, I'd rather die/Though they will not understand”

Honestly I didn’t “get” the Refusal ending until I heard this song, then I was like, OH, I SEE IT ALL SO CLEARLY NOW. This is my favorite in-universe Shepard take on the Refusal ending. I always got it from the player’s perspective of being dissatisfied with the options, but this one puts it into the world for me. This is a Shepard who does not trust the Starchild. This is a Shepard that chooses to end things on their own terms rather than submit to their designs.

62. Machine - Regina Spektor Control 

“I collect my moments Into a correspondence With a mightier power Who just lacks my perspective And who lacks my organics And who covets my defects “

I used to have Adieu here, actually, because like Refusal, I didn’t used to GET the Control ending. Now, I do, in part thanks to hearing this song. I mean, just go look at the full lyrics. If this song hadn’t been written years before the end of Mass Effect 3, I’d swear it was a fan song for it.

63. Maybe Tomorrow - Yuki Kajiura Destroy 

“The moon is gone And the night is still so dark I'm a little bit afraid of tomorrow“

I’m a Destroy Ending person, I won’t lie. Full on “the starchild is a liar and my synthetic friends are FINE” indoctrination theory level destroy ending. But this song is not about that. It’s about the canonical destroy ending, and if you prefer a Shep that survives it, this song’s for you.

This song captures the exhaustion and melancholy of the end of a long journey so well. Shepard is afraid of what comes next, the collateral damage resulting from their actions. But they know that, at least, it’s over now. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

64. Waiting For the End - Linkin Park Synthesis

“ I know what it takes to move on I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got”

This is one of my favorite songs of all time. The hardest part of ending is starting again. Oof. Gets me every single time. Shepard finding the resolve to sacrifice themself for the hope of something better, of things not going how they planned, ever, of learning to make peace with that and the people who loved them learning to carry on without them? OOF.

65. Shine - Vienna Teng Epilogue

“Shine with all the untold Hold the light given unto you Find the love to unfold In this broken world we choose“

Vienna Teng is a master of capturing life’s softer emotions, and this fits perfectly with the epilogue scene for me. Tell me again about the Shepard.

“Find the love to unfold in this broken world we choose” has to be one of the greatest lines about the human experience ever written.

[minty-chocco]

hallo may i request Riddle falling out of love... And reader knows but isn't ready for the possibilities...👉👈 I like hurting myself with angst😔🤡👊✨ love your writing~

𝑹𝒊𝒅𝒅𝒍𝒆 𝑹𝒐𝒔𝒆𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔 🧁

Pairing: Riddle Rosehearts x GN!Reader

Warning(s): Angst if it’s not your fancy + it’s cliche (｡•́︿•̀｡)

Word Count: 1.8k words

Extra Notes: I got carried away for this prompt (*/ω＼) I was just listening to random songs and suddenly the one that got away played and I remembered this ask so I decided to do this! This is the first time i’m writing about this kind of prompt and I apologize in advance since I kinda strayed from it but I tried my best nonetheless. I hope you enjoy reading! o(>ω<)o

The scenery was quiet and serene. This would be relaxing to some but to you, the silence was suffocating. The rose garden was devoid of students except for the two of you. It were bereft of any winds and the tree leaves surrounding the garden hung limp as some fell to their own accord. 

Clutching at your tea cup you looked at the young redhaired man across you. He was on his dorm uniform as usual, his cape was neatly placed on the back of his chair, taking a sip from his drink. 

His face was one of awkwardness, shifting uncomfortably on his seat. Looking anywhere but at you.

You pondered as to why. Is it because of guilt? Or was it because of you? Is your presence was starting to become unbearable to him?

“Riddle.” You called out for him and the dorm leader froze but turned to look at you. Your eyes have finally met his for the first time this evening. 

 “Yes, (Y/N)?” He looked at you, his tone of speaking changed as if he’s talking to a stranger. It no longer held the soft tone he would use as he always regarded you.

“After we finish, let’s go explore the rose maze, okay?” You smiled at him, trying your best to be enthusiastic and keeping a friendly atmosphere. You gently caressed the marble colored tea cup you’re holding.

This is your last day with him after all.

“Okay.” He shortly replied. Riddle took a sugar cube and plopped 2 blocks in his chamomile tea. The brown herb-brew water splashed lightly upon the impact and the sugar instantly melted after meeting the hot tea, he then took a teaspoon to fully mix his drink.

You nodded at his answer, satisfied that he even replied. He would’ve just ignored you or nodded at your question. You thought maybe he was being considerate of you.

You lift the silver glassware tea cup and took notice of your features from the reflection of the drink.

You looked miserable. The dark circles on your eyes were deep-set and tired for crying yourself to sleep every day.

The sweet desserts on the table in celebration of your anniversary were bright lovely colors in contrast to the monochrome mood settling in between the two of you. 

You took a strawberry flavored macaron and took a bite. You tasted nothing. Trey’s sweet always had such a sweet and unique flavoring on it in which you admire so you’re always looking forward at his treats but today it tasted bland.

Maybe your mood was affecting your taste buds. You felt a little upset that you could no longer enjoy the simple things in life because you felt so miserable. This relationship was draining you.

After finishing a few sweets and drank your tea you two decided to be on your way. There were some left since you didn’t have the appetite but you were sure that Grim and the rest of your friends would happily eat them. Good for them. At least they are happy.

You stood up from your seat and gestured to Riddle. “Let’s go.” 

“Don’t take too much time.” He reminded firmly and followed you behind soon after. He’s treating you like any other students and not as a lover. “We should head back early.” 

“Let’s not talk about that.” You said waving him off not wanting to be reminded of time. The limited time that you two have left.

You two strolled around the maze, the sun was reaching its peak. Riddle was quietly following you from behind, 5 feet away from you. 

You smiled bitterly at yourself, you two used to walk side by side while holding hands but now it’s as if he’s also mocking the distance that grew between you two.

You stopped upon arriving at a familiar place at the part of the garden. The two of you sat at a nearby bench, Riddle made sure he isn’t too close to you before taking a seat.

“Remember when we first got together?” You recalled a memory from a past and looked to see Riddle’s reaction, his face was burdened with guilt and a mix of regret. He couldn’t even face you.

“This is where we first got together.” He answered and gazed at the painted roses. “Trey and Cater were helping me confess.” 

You chuckled fondly at the memory. As if nothing’s wrong. “Yeah. You were stuttering at your words back then.” 

Looking back, Riddle was as red as his hair but not in anger but in pure embarrassment back then. You were surprised at his sudden confession not expecting him to return your feelings at all.

When you accepted, Riddle couldn’t be happier and the two of you shared your first kiss in this place. 

Your relationship with him wasn’t perfect. Just like any other couples, you two would fight. His temper doesn’t help during arguments either but you two made sure at the end of the day you two would make up, not wanting the other to sleep with a heavy heart. 

There might be some misunderstandings but the two of you would often communicate with each other to help understand each side. 

Riddle was awkward at the first stages of your relationship. This was his first relationship and he wants to become a good partner for you. Despite his loaded duties, he’ll always made sure to have time for you. 

The heartslabyul dorm leader would have one on one tea parties with you atleast 2 times a week. He’ll make you desserts without the help of Trey to show his sincerity, although it might not be the best, you appreciate his effort and would happily eat what he offered.

He’ll be shy just from a small romantic gesture like holding hands but even so, he would never let go and his grip is secure. He makes sure that you’re not failing any subjects and would glad to go on to study dates with you. He always called your name with such fondness that you can’t help but feel loved. 

You once tried to make up a pet name for the two of you in which he politely declined. Riddle said he liked it when he calls your name because he loves your name as he does to you. This of course made you flustered, he didn’t even realize what he was saying until it dwelled on him which made him redder than you.

You felt hot burning pain build up on your chest at the sweet memories which will soon turn into bittersweet ones. “You promised to treat me well back then.. What happened now?” 

Riddle couldn’t answer. How could he answer that?

Noticing the lack of response, you whispered to yourself. “Promises really do meant to be broken.”

“(Y/N).” He warned. Riddle’s voice was cold and no longer held the fondness when saying your name before. 

“I was just joking.” You let out a forced laugh. “Happy anniversary.”

By your words, Riddle felt guilt again that he had been feeling all this time. Regret washed over his expression like a slow wave on a beach in the night. Each wave was icy and cold such as he was feeling right now but he knows he can no longer go back.

Although it was inevitable, he can’t force himself in a relationship with someone he no longer loves. Riddle really didn’t want to keep you hoping any longer so he wanted to break up with you yesterday but you had begged him to at least celebrate your anniversary. Just lie to each other again one last time.

“We should head back.” Riddle suggested not wanting to be here any longer. He stood up not waiting for your reply when you suddenly held his hand. 

“Wait.” You felt desperate, you wanted to be with him more. You help on tightly not wanting to let go. “C-can you stay a little longer?” 

“I can’t. I have to check the dorm.” He tried to loosen up your grip but you held on tighter. 

“I love you.” You declared your love for him once again hoping it was enough to make him stay but silence was followed. As if it will.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized in a small voice. He was being nice to you out of respect being his first love but his words for you were cruel that he inflicted unintentionally. If he had been aware, he would not have cared one iota.

Your breath hitched. “Can’t.. you just say it back one last time?” 

“I can’t keep lying to you, (Y/N).” 

“Please.” You pleaded. “Just this time.”

Riddle felt frustrated but obeyed nonetheless. He hoped that at least this could give you peace. “I love you.” 

There, you finally heard the words that you haven’t heard for a long time now. That phrase was supposed to make any person feel butterflies but it was different for you. It was 3 words that expresses someone’s feelings of affection but Riddle’s words felt empty. It made you feel worse and you finally let go of his hand.

But instead he didn’t leave, he looked at you one last time with a pitiful expression on his face directed at you and you hated it. You didn’t want his pity. “You deserve better.” 

You gritted your teeth wanting to scream at him. Why? Just when did it go wrong?

He smiled at you and gently caressed your hair. This is the least he could do to comfort you. “I really did love you, (Y/N). Thank you for everything. You’re still welcome at heartslabyul anytime.”

Riddle soon turned his back on you and walked away.

You could only stare blankly at his retreating figure. No tears were shed, you already had cried enough upon realizing he doesn’t love you anymore. 

Instead, you felt empty. 

How ironic it is that in this exact spot that your relationship started but it’s also the very same place that ended it.

Deep down, you knew this would happen but refused to accept it. Even when Riddle would often ignore you in between classes, you’ll think maybe he is having a bad day. Even when he would look annoyed whenever you initiate physical affection, you’ll think maybe he is just tired. Even when he no longer calls your name with such warmth, you’ll think maybe he isn’t in the mood.

But that routine held on for a month now. At some point, you can’t make out excuses anymore because you have already been giving him too much.

Maybe if things could’ve been done differently, the outcome would’ve changed. 

Maybe if you tried hard enough.

But you could only dwell on the possibilities.

In another life, surely you two would still be happily together.

Sadly, that story isn’t yours to tell. 

Because the story of the two of you already ended here. 

𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈! 🌙

[btswishes]

Love me for who I am now

Bucky x Reader ( Chapter 6)

Previous / Next (7)

Summary: You apply for the Stark internship and end up getting it, so now you have 5 months to make a good impression to continue working with the Avengers.

A/N:  Is it juicy yet?👀 I have added a song to listen to at a particular part - gives the story a better feeling. Sorry for any mistakes made, hope you enjoy it even a tiny bit.

Tag list: @vicmc624  @yasminwashere​​

Word count:  3,719

Warmings: fights, harsh language, not part of the original MCU

Y/N- Your name                            

Y/L/N- Your Last Name                 

Vocabulary 40s:

cookie - a girl who is cute

decked out - dressed up in an attractive way

eager beaver - an enthusiastic helper; a person who is excited about something

dame - a woman

doll dizzy - a boy who is crazy about girls

                                          ----------------------------

  The drive to your destination was filled with fear, worry - the very anxiety seeping through your skin into your muscles, blood leading it to each apex of your body, feeding your mind numerous endings. You were no Dr. Strange, but at this very moment the only sensation was the contrast of burning unavoidable expectation and cool alluring cold coming from Bucky’s vibranium arm.

  Pulled abruptly out of yourself, Steve stepped on the breaks and pushed the car door open. Your head flung to him pulling the bags out of the backseat and unzipping them. Bucky followed his old friend, letting your figure finally stand on its own, free of the safety of his embrace. Taking a couple of breaths in, you felt your chest expand and collapse again under the atmospheric pressure.

“ Y/N.”Steve called out to you, waving his hand to pull your attention towards himself. Autopilot moved you around the metal of the vehicle right next to both men. Bucky was tightening his holsters to make sure it was all snug and tight, biting into his chest muscles. Steve leaned his shield against the car, throwing you a bag. The suit inside caught your eye, bottles of vibranium dust resting atop. With trembling fingers, you pulled he material out letting the soft yet sturdy sensation run up your nerves.

  A metal clank contracted your neck muscles – Bucky’s hand flung the trunk door open.

“You can get dressed here.” His big figure turned around, casting a shade over you “I won’t look, promise.” In a weird way, his first reaction was to cover you as much as possible, doing a mind check over his arsenal.

“Are you going to be the wall this time?” as clouded with fear as you were, a small tease escaped your dressing figure – fabric sliding over your thighs and up your chest. Bucky threw his head forward coaxed by a laugh.

“Sure, you can say so. Since the last one couldn’t hide that cute mole you have right on your side.”

“YOU DID PEEP!”Your throat let out a screech resembling that of a bird of prey, caused by the realization. His body swiftly rotated towards you, flesh hand cupping your mouth shut.

“Shhh. We don’t want to get caught doll.” Bucky’s gaze checked the perimeter before sliding towards you and down to your chest, where the metal zipper laid comfortably between your breasts.

“Maybe don’t boil the water if you don’t want the kettle to whistle.” Steve tapped his shield, sending his friend a stern look. He knew exactly what was happening and tried to make it easy on your poor maiden soul as much as he could. 

“You telling me ya wouldn’t tease this cookie?” James threw the words with a whip of his head over to Steve’s back. “I gotta thank Stark for decking her out like this.”

“Calm down eager beaver.” Bucky smirked at Steve’s words, as his ocean eyes pulled you in to his magical land, losing connection with the world around just to sink deeper “You were always popular with the dames Buck, never thought I would see the day when you would become doll dizzy.”

“Only for this one.” His fingers crawled up your front alluringly, taking his time remembering each curve and dip he could find, before squeezing the zipper and covering your exposed skin from the world and unwanted eyes.

“Hey!” finally being able to escape his lulling gaze, you slapped his hand away, throwing the bag in the trunk and aggressively closing it shut, shaking the car up in the action.

“Feisty lil’ one.”

“Oh shut up.”

  The conversation came like thunder on a sunny day, but you couldn’t deny it sucked out some of your stress right out of the skin on skin contact with the tank of a man, now walking behind you. Movie worthy, that was the new feeling bubbling in your guts as you walked tall next to Cap with his gear. The iced dust under your shoes crackled marking each step away from the getaway car. The glass bottles dangling around your waist acted like a safe space for you, knowing that you weren’t empty handed.

“Will someone brief me a bit?” the corner of your eye caught Steve smile at your question, his chest swelling up with a bit of fatherly pride

“Already sounding like an Avenger aren’t we Miss Y/N” pulling out the intercoms they bounced off his meaty palm into your hands and between Bucky’s fingers. You fumbled with it for a moment before finding a comfortable seat for them in your left ear.

“Test test?” Steve’s finger pressed on the blue plastic, hitting you with his voice almost directly in your brain “HYDRA became very active the past few weeks. They have been snooping into old human experiments from the 40s.”

“The 40s?” you had to fight your rush of shock from directing it to the sole survivor of that plan walking behind you, casting a protective shadow over your path

“Weird, we know. Our job is to get info, bust down anything that seems dangerous and leave with as little causalities as possible.”

“To us. You can fuck up anyone else in there.” Bucky added combative energy faintly tracked in his notes

“What is my job?”

“The three of us have to get to the center of that building.” The shield rose in the direction of an old almost abandoned for millennia looking construction. Snow piled on top almost camouflaging it from the rest of the universe. The back door had no one guarding it making the eerie feeling sprout roots inside your heart. Steve placed his ear on the door, letting his super soldier hearing take in as many sounds as possible, letting him deduce that the coast was clear for now. Upon pushing the handle down the men realized that the material was almost impenetrable – not even Bucky could take it down.

“What now? We can’t waltz in from the front like ‘hi we are the avengers’.” He mocked the whole plan, throwing his arms in the air, letting them fall back down with the same energy “ We were lucky enough this side didn’t have anyone guarding it. I don’t think we will have a second go at this with the same success.” he seemed weirdly on edge for a professional with years of experience 

“May I?” head ducked down, your eyes moved from one super soldier to the other. They made way, anything would be better than actually going in from another place. Elbows bend back, the nails on your thumbs swiftly unplugged the bottles dangling at your sides. The gentle movements mirroring a ballerina pulled the dust out, mobilizing the small particles for action. They easily penetrated the hinges before busting them open with the spread of your fingers. The light thud the door let out falling onto Steve’s chest with a slight bounce ,signaled the granted entrance.

“Gentlemen first.” A mischievous smile tugged onto your skin, waving your hand for them to walk past you. Pride swirled around, having done something helpful to the mission before it even started - technically. 

  Turning to the side the men stepped inside the dimly lit corridor. Flickering lights would reflect over Cap’s shield and Bucky’s arm, both of them ready for a fight at each corner they turned. Being in front of you like a barricade against danger, you decided for now to call back the vibranium forming the good old gauntlets – formidable punch, guaranteed to make anyone’s dentist’s pockets happy. The forked path froze Steve, now having him think of any good decisions for a continuation.

“ I go left you take Y/N and go right.” Steve sighed out, tense and wary of each quiet moment passed

“You sure about this?” Bucky unsheathed a knife and swung it over at his friend, making his eyes lay on the shiny sharp edge

“Keep it pal.” One big hand pushed away another “I got my trusty partner over here.” palm tapping the curve of the shield 

“Um guys, how about we all go left?”

“Nah doll, let’s go with Stevie’s plan.”

“I don’t mean to be rude, but I think that the path with shiny blue light and talking men sounds like our destination. 3 against all of them is better than 1 man and his circular sonoluminescent slab of metal.”

“My what?” Steve’s lids squinted, the gears in his head turning slowly to understand your science language.

“Ummm~...Thor hit, shield vibrate and make lighttt~?” the awkward smile plastered all over your face was more than enough to discourage the man from any further education in this era

“Wait wait.” Bucky shook his arm in front of you two, cutting his best friend some slack “How did you hear them? This- this isn’t a frequency you should even be able to catch.”

“But…it is pretty loud and clear. They are even talking about some portal.”

“ Y/N this isn’t something you just hear, come to think of it you excel in your traini-“

“Buck drop it. We can talk when we are back in car, what matters is that we are onto something here and I don’t like how it is looking.”

“I mean I don’t know if this will help ,but I hear 5 more people coming our way from the other direction.” there was no need to point it out seeing as how your team mates were already standing in their signature fight poses. Bucky’s left hand grabbed at you, fingers pushing deep enough to bruise, as he anchored you behind his large frame.

“HEY!” approaching enemies located you pretty easy. All of them armed to the teeth with too many heavy weaponry for some odd reason. Steve covered you two from the first gun shots letting the bullets flatten into caps against his shield. The whole situation caught you off guard almost forgetting all the battle training with Natasha. Who were you kidding, she would go easy on you, these men were out to kill and you were a pretty good target for them.

It was an art form, the way these heavy men were moving between bodies and taking them down like flies. Mistake number 2 - you were too focused on them.

“Y/N!” Bucky’s hair slapped his opposite cheek as his eyes widened filling with fear enough to pollute that deep blue. His knife flew inches from your skin taking with it some of your hair clean off. A yelp left your throat the moment the sharp edge dug into the lung of a random unfortunate guy trying his luck with you. Steve quickly counted the bodies noticing one empty blood patch on the floor. Bucky indulged into relief seconds too soon, letting your safe and healthy figure reflect onto his cornea.

“Bucky!” oh how ironic it was, yelling each other’s names. Danger loved to watch people dance but in a pair. Your fingers reached out to him even though you knew how far you were from him, the man dashing with anger and a last dying wish to take one of you with him down to hell. The corridor began almost elongating in front of you playing a sadistic illusion. Shouting out ‘James’ was the drop needed to overflow your unconscious lake, hands engulfing the atmosphere in an unknown move before making contact with him. Your arms pulled him in like a protective mother as the warmth of a liquid spilled all over your face.

“Y/N, Buck!” Steve dashed over, making sure the last of the scumbags was actually on his way to be judged upon hell’s gates. The vibranium formed into the elegant shape of a knife dripped with the piping life you just took.

“Y/N!” Bucky shook you a couple of times. He scanned your face, palms wiping away as much of the blood as he could, making sure to keep it away from your mind. 

“I-....I just killed someone.” the muddy blob of blood and vibranium in your hand, glistening no more - sinfully tainted.

“It’s ok, it’s ok.” Bucky kept brushing your hair back, casting a breathy spell of words  “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.” color leaving your cheeks, mind flooded with thoughts. Your whole body worked in a minimal rhythm as if it was denying it. “Doll...doll?” scared, he was scared of the lack of speech

“No, no.” shacking out of his grip, Steve had to push his hand at your lower back, stopping you from rolling onto the floor and into more now cold and drying blood. They both sat, watching you losing your innocents. It was something disgusting, torturous to anyone, still even to them years later. “You don’t get it.” your calm heart beat filled their ears “I don’t feel...anything.” trying to find hope in their faces led you only to more tangled webs of confusion  “I just sliced a man’s head clean off his body. At- at first was...- I thought I was just in shock, but now...nothing. No fear, no regret, no panic is coming to me.” silence oh you beautiful song, come and cover these children and hide away their misery from one another. Stay with them until their distress subsides, until they remember who they are. And so she did, letting only the air escaping between your head and Bucky’s chest make itself known. 

  Minute after minute yet you didn’t feel any different. Tapping the man’s bicep he released you, letting you take a breath in that wasn’t soaked with his intoxicating scent.

“Sorry. ”he muffled out his voice

“Let’s talk this out later.” another to the list of issues “Let’s wrap this up, I don’t think my 106 year old self can take any more surprises.” 

  Giving each other a quick nod, both Bucky and Steve were back in stealth positions almost floating over the dirty and crumbly ground. No sound not even a vibration from the air in front of their nostrils. With a quick look at them you adapted fast becoming part of the shadows dancing under the broken lights. The corridor began shrinking, leading you to a hall divided only by 2 doors. Old, chewed up wood being your only blanket away from the eyes of potential predators.

“This better work!” a deep male tone huffed out from the side, mobilizing you 100% back to reality and the mission at hand. 

“It has to work!” a second man joined in, his voice filled with determination “We lost the soldiers because of shitty planning.” Bucky’s skin crawled, his nerves sending impulses from deep in his memory.

“Calm down, if my calculations are correct we can get them back fresh from the factory.” The laugh was laced with potent evil, as they spoke of human beings as frozen meat from a butcher shop 

“Shut up and turn it on!” an almost painfully familiar echo interjected the conversation “ Find the exact moment and grab them.”

  Keycap tapping and machine sounds began spreading around the hall, seeping through the cracks in the door where you 3 were positioned. Steve threw a look at Bucky and you, almost asking how many people you thought were in there. The nail on your middle left finger rose up and made 3 long followed by two short taps atop the hard surface – Morse code for 8. The contorting looks they threw made you point at the small crack next to you. The vibranium dust formed a flat reflective surface letting you spy inside, without having to expose any of your body parts.

“Oh God, it’s working!” the strong flash bounced off the mirror scorching your pupils almost right off. Bucky winced followed by a hiss from you.

“How far are we back?”

“I don’t know, I can’t configurator this yet. Wait.”

“What? What?”

“Someone is coming! I can’t shut this off!”

“Don’t! Kill whoever it is! We need to succeed this or our heads will be rolling!” the man yelled out, from the condition of his voice you could tell he was flaring his arms from side to side.

“Who are you!” the clicking of a gun paired with a sweet female voice took over the room, sending Steve a signal to jump in. Everything was going downhill for the HYDRA agents, it was now or never. With the number 8 in mind Bucky bend his leg into his knee, exerting sheer inhuman strength, sending the two doors flying inside announcing the arrival of the Avengers. Your fingers weaved the dust off your soft skin and into 10 sharp spears above your head, gently forming a halo behind your back.

“Fuck!” the men cussed out trying to stay away from the door, enjoying its first flight after years of pension “Great, Captain America !” dressed like a scientist, the man closed his laptop, putting it away safely under his armpit. The light coming from the wall began to vanish slowly but surely

“YOU IDIOT!” yelled out his partner

Out of pure muscle memory you tried to pull the tech out of the sloppy grasp of the enemy, but he saw the cloud coming.

“Fuck this shit!” the unsheathing of a firearm pulled your gaze at the man pointing right at Bucky. His finger slowly pulled back the trigger, spewing out the metal bullet spiraling in the air with speed above that of a human. Bucky’s super soldier abilities pulled his metal arm up, but no clank of materials echoed, the burning capsule sizzling, nestled inside of your grasped fist hovering in front of your partner’s head.

 “Go go!” Steve tried to stop them, but the shield got repelled by some type of force field. Bucky was in shock, the warm blood rolling off your skin onto the frozen floor, steam waves leaving as it cooled off.

“They got away!” Steve pushed his finger gently over the intercom sending a message to the rest at the compound “We failed.” His fist hit the wall standing unfortunate next to his strong figure

“Not- “ you hissed, releasing the bullet letting it chime upon contact with the ground “-not necessarily.” Between the metaphorical fingers of the dust cloud you held the very USB that was previously inside the laptop dangling without protection “I think they should be smarter next time, with data I mean.” Your body straightened, Bucky hovering next to you, hands not that far from you just in case. Cap sighed out, his consciousness feeling less aggravated by the failed mission upon you all.

“Not bad for a fist time kid.” He rubbed the top of your head, tugging on a growl from Bucky, low but noticeable upon your contact with his friend.

    Song to listen to from here down.

“Steve?” it was the female. Her presence forgotten in the hall, as you 3 relished in the small win. Her heels echoed in rhythm with the Captain’s slowly moving figure. It looked like slow motion as the woman came closer. Her elegant fingers folding the metal of the historical looking gun. Your hands pulled the vibranium in defense, till Bucky’s arm stopped you, his eyes not peeling off of the woman with each of her steps. Her chocolate curls bounced off her shoulders, some draping gently over the collar of the olive colored uniform. Her knees tugged onto the skirt making bigger and much more confidant strides towards the blond man. It felt like a century of them adjusting to each other’s eyelevel.

“Steve…”her voice trembled as her eyes took in the man standing in front of her. His self reflecting into her eyes, soaking deep past them. Half way up his body, Steve grasped her gently with a need. The woman’s hand dropped the gun to the ground thankfully without a shot as her other one slid up his right cheek. Steve’s fingers still holding onto her, intertwined into her grasp, letting his head lean into her gentle touch. His lip quivered slightly. America’s hero, the strong super soldier that gave his life for his country without a second thought, now coming undone in this woman’s presence.

“ Steve…” her voice dripped with a breathy chuckle without a smile. You didn’t need to know them to feel the need and longing spilling out of them. It was just a split second before he let go and warped his arms around her waist pulling her off the ground and flush against his chest, wishing to be as close as possible to her.

“Peggy.” Steve breath out, swallowing in the tears beginning to glaze his eyes, soothing the burning around his nose.

“Peggy?” stagnant notes pushed out from your throat, gaze thrown over Bucky as he nodded back at you. They stayed in each other’s embrace for a few minutes feeling like years to them. You could tell Steve didn’t want to let her down. But past the feelings that bubbled out from the past, he found confusion.

“Peggy why are you here? How are you here?” his hands kept placing strands of hair behind her ear, eyes roaming over her face making sure she was real time and time again.

“I-I don’t know. “ her head looked in the direction of the previously existing light “ I was on a mission when I saw a weird light and voices. I followed and now I am here…with you.” One thing was for sure, she couldn’t go back anymore.

“I am sorry to cut this short, but we have to leave now.” You swung your arm, pulling everyone’s attention your way “We don’t know how many HYDRA agents are here and I don’t plan to take my chances with them on my first mission.”

“You, what are you doing here?” Peggy had a gentle smile, letting the red lipstick expose her teeth

“Long story Peggy, Bucky went through some stuff but he is with us now an-“

“Y/N.” Agent Carter let your name roll off her lips with such familiarity it almost got you believing into something as old as time.

“What?” Bucky observed the situation feeling like Alice in Wonderland

“I haven’t seen you for a few years now.”  She continued

“You-you know me?” the words stuttered on their way out

“Of course. Y/N Y/L/N.”

 Let’s say that Cap’s 106 year old self survived another unexpected surprise. 

[masonscig]

first line tag game

thank you for the tag @crackerdumortain !!!!! yours were so much fun to read omg !!!!

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favourite opening line. Then tag some of your favourite authors!

[disclaimer: i write for the choices fandom and some for litg so you’ll see a mix of those fandoms on this list LMAO]

1. stay [twc – mason x sofía]

The first time was casual. She had a knack for musing her thoughts aloud, tossing her harmless opinions out for anyone who’d catch them.

She was good at starting conversations in that way – while he’d never been one for talking.

She never did it with heavy topics, though.

2. thieves in the shadows [choices – blades au – mal x zilyana]

bullets pelted the crates they were crouched behind, wood splintering in every direction. bodies were strewn across the warehouse, the unmistakable pools of blood streaking across the stone.

“raine! to your left!” immy yelled her way, barely sparing her a glance before unloading her clip, shell casings clinking against the ground.

the gun trembled in yana’s hands. she’d shot one before – practice at the gun range, glass bottles in a back alley – but never a live target.

3. if we meet again [choices – open heart au – bryce x spencer] 18+

year one

The ride from the airport to her parents’ home was long and grueling, the slushy ice pelting the windshield barely passing for snow.

It was practically sub-zero outside, a stark difference between the mid seventies weather she’d just left.

4. clandestine [twc – mason x sofía] 18+

“hey. hey wake up –”

she stirred at the greeting, but jumped when he kicked the desk. her face contorted into a grimace, the imprint of her tweed jacket on her cheek outlined in pink. “hmm?”

“you fell asleep again,” he said, plopping a bag in front of her.

5. undying [choices – blades – mal x zilyana]

Zilyana stirred, resituating herself against Mal’s bare chest, feeling his arm instinctively tighten around her shoulders. When she realized she was missing the sound of his deep breathing, accompanied with an occasional soft snore, she cracked an eye open to see his chin tipped upwards, his gaze trained on the ceiling.

6. talent show [choices – platinum – shane x dom]

There wasn’t a day that went by where she didn’t cross his mind. Even since they were kids.

He admired so much about her – her fiery spirit, her drive, her unwavering tenacity.

And he’d been in love with Dom for as long as he could remember.

7. redeemed [choices – platinum – raleigh x dom]

As soon as he stepped off stage, he was shuffled to his tour bus, Fiona on his heels. She looked like the human embodiment of rage in a grey blazer, a look in her eye that made him thankful he wasn’t the one it was directed at – or at least he hoped he wasn’t the reason she was two seconds away from a murderous rampage.

8. hidden [choices – foreign affairs – blaine x carina] 18+

Her cheek slipped out of the palm of her hand, forehead smacking the desk, nearly jumping out of her skin at the abrupt awakening.

“Ow.”

She prodded the tender spot on her face, thankful her foundation was thick.

A soft snore caught her attention – next to her, Blaine was passed out. Leaning back in his chair, his head was thrown back, arms crossed against his chest, the textbook on its face in his lap.

9. is this fate? [litg au – bobby x mc] 18+

The peroxide was cold when it hit her skin, the liquid bubbling on her knee, relentlessly stinging. She sucked in a breath through gritted teeth.

“Sorry… should be over soon,” he murmured, wiping up the stray liquid that streamed down her leg with a small rag.

The heaviness of the atmosphere between them was almost too much to bear – they’d barely spoken since he helped her onto the counter in his small office, leg propped up between his own, where he sat in his desk chair.

10. asvista cove [litg college au – bobby x elena]

Bobby’s thumb flicked the lighter repeatedly until he got a consistent flame, moving slowly from left to right over the edge of the blunt. His cheeks hollowed out as he sucked in, the tip of it an auburn ember. He pulled it out of his mouth and sucked in an even deeper breath, holding it.

When he blew out the thick cloud of smoke, he passed it to her, coughing under his breath. “Whew. Your turn.”

She followed suit, the thick smoke coating the inside of her lungs, bitter and heavy. She exhaled, the shroud smoke enveloping her view of the sealine.

11. reticent [twc – mason x sofía] 18+

She was bare.

Bare in the way that one is when they’ve been stripped down and torn apart with a trained gaze just calculating enough for them to feel seen – parts of her she didn’t know she’d hidden splayed out like withered pages of a book, dog-eared and marked up like a frequently reread novel.

One he’d reread because it was familiar, because it had fallen into his lap (he hadn’t searched for it), not so much because it was his favorite.

12. more [twc – mason x sofía] 18+

He laced his fingers through her thick hair, reveling in the way his skin looked contrasted against the midnight of her hair.

[the way i can’t post more than this bc it’s....... very nsfw right out the bat LMFAO]

13. calm before the storm [choices – open heart – bryce x spencer]

Since the moment his hands trembled amidst one of the most important surgeries of his life, Bryce was holding on by a thread.

With each half-assed joke he cracked, each wavering smile, each time he tried convincing others – including himself – that he was coping, he fell apart more and more.

The first night he went home after Spencer was quarantined, he trudged through the halls of Edenbrook, like he was dragging his legs through wet concrete. He was nearly magnetized to her bedside, not wanting to leave, but he needed to rest – he’d been awake for nearly a day and a half by the time he clocked out.

14. envy | part two of the attached series [twc – mason x sofía x felix]

He strode down the hallway, hands in his pockets to give the illusion that he didn’t give a shit, when he was most definitely on edge. His fingers flicked his lighter open and closed against the twill lining of his pockets, trying to focus on the soft clicking noise it made instead of the swarm of thoughts clouding his conscience.

He still couldn’t figure out why he cared so much.

15. comfort | part one of the attached series [twc – mason x sofía x felix]

He noticed it before she did.

Her pulse didn’t jump the same way it did the first dozen times he walked into the room. The blood didn’t rush to her cheeks, or creep up her neck, the crimson flush absent even when he tried his hardest to fluster her. And it normally took next to nothing to get her to turn into a bumbling mess.

16. out of time [choices – open heart – sienna x danny]

She sprinted down the hallway, pager still beeping erratically on her hip, the weight of the numbers enough to make her feel like she was slugging through wet concrete.

No, no, not him, please, not him, she chanted to herself, vision blurring with tears before she had the chance to let the negative possibilities set in.

17. unrequited part three [choices – open heart – bryce x spencer]

She slumped into the seat in the deserted waiting room, her joints popping as she stretched, her deep sigh echoing off of the tile. She was exhausted.

She could usually push through the worst of her shifts, but fatigue settled into her bones, a lethargy she’d never experienced entrapping her like a net, and she couldn’t fight her way out of it this time.

18. signs [choices – ride or die – logan x raquel]

“A final in sign language? Couldn’t you just have a conversation with the teacher or some shit?” Logan sat across from her on the couch, watching as her fingers bent and flexed, transfixed.

She stopped abruptly, screwing her mouth to the side in concentration. She repeated the same few moves, getting more and more frustrated with each sequence.

19. mementos [choices – ride or die – logan x raquel]

The sound of his boots slapping against the damp pavement reverberated off of the brick of the alleyways, his gasping breaths adding to the symphony that was his escape.

20. warmth [twc – mason x sofía]

“You’re going the wrong way,” Mason grunted, looking particularly stiff in her passenger seat.

“I thought we could take the scenic route,” she shrugged, flicking her high beams on as she turned off of the main road leading downtown, easing on the brakes when the tires hit the gravel.

okay so....... i didn’t really realize just HOW MUCH i’ve written since the summer? i’ve fallen into a pattern where i think i’m a failure bc of how slow i am to write because i have so many series i’ve started and dropped off and wips i’ve abandoned but.... i’ve managed to write for most appreciation weeks i’ve both hosted/participated in and i’ve written for THREE fandoms.... i don’t normally gas myself up but? i’m really? proud of myself? KSJDJKSD if you read this far thank you and you’re prob watching me have a breakdown over how much i’ve managed to write oh my GOD ok i need to lie down KLSDFKASFJD i didn’t even think i could hit 20 but i did???? alright i’m officially gonna treat myself at some point bc i did all this in less than a year.... these are from the end of july 2020 to now..... wow ok im done i promise SKDFJKSDF

tagging: @raleighcarrera and @pixeljazzy !!! <3 

[codylabs]

My Top 10 Ships

I’m not a very romantic sort of guy, I’m not real forgiving to departures from canon, I get easily annoyed at inconsistencies, and I don’t watch much television and movies, so in order for me to ship something, it has to be a GOOD ship. I default toward rejecting ships, so to impress ME, it must be built on logic, and evidence, it’s gotta be something I can suspend my disbelief far enough to accept. And it’s gotta have story behind it, something deep, some hefty emotional weight; if it doesn’t tickle this man’s cold reptilian heart with strong beats and excellent writing, it goes straight to the trash. I absoLUTELY will not stand for any of these weird little cute, pretty, pandering, trashy crack ships that everybody seems to be clumsily throwing characters into. Most ships are trash ships. They are not good ships.

You think your ship is good? You like your ship?

You ship it?

No you don’t.

Get out of here.

You will listen to me. I will tell you. Look at me. I’m the Captain now.

Here are the 10 good ships.

10. The Rocinante, The Expanse

A resoundingly excellent ship. Unlike most ships you see out there, this thing was actually designed with realistic space combat in mind. It’s got 6 computer-controlled gatling turrets covering every angle, it accelerates in whatever direction it’s pointing, its bridge is right in the center to put as much armor as possible between enemies and crew, overall a much better-designed vehicle than most everything you see about.

That being said, I didn’t have much connection to this ship. Its crew weren’t really interesting, the aesthetic was kinda bleak, and I basically stopped watching after the phazon showed up. And the Rocinante itself has pretty poor redundancy. Enemy bullets can literally just pass through it (as is realistic for a ship this size) so how about multiple main engines huh? Absolutely tragic oversight. And its interior looks too much like an Apple product. How are you supposed to work on it? Where are the wires and pipes??? The handholds?????

9. Ares IV M.A.V., The Martian

Almost more of a symbol than a ship. A symbol of freedom, of escape. A beautiful symbol. This is what Mark Watney spends the whole movie trying to reach, with an entire world backing him up, and an entire world trying to stop him. It’s the goal of the movie, and it just looks so beautiful when he finally reaches it and sees it sitting there in the middle of the desert, ass down, nose up; a tall, proud symbol. This ship has a special significance for me because the author of the original book really did his research on the scientific requirements and details of a Mars Ascent Vehicle, and it was actually inspired by the E.R.V. in another book, ‘A Case For Mars’, which I read when I was younger. “Makes its own methane-oxygen fuel on-site by using nuclear power to break down CO2 in the atmosphere and combining it with stored hydrogen, don’t you know.” I say as I adjust my spectacles and puff my pipe.

The M.A.V. in the movie does have a few issues, such as hallway and rooms running straight up through where the fuel tanks ought to be (instead of a lift/ladder on the exterior) and a rugged, industrial aesthetic that looks too heavy and cumbersome for a ship of its type. (And you’re seriously telling me he couldn’t have used the capsule’s RCS to literally bypass the movie’s entire climax? WHY NOT? The book never mentioned him having to drain the monopropellant!!!) But I’ll let that slide. Great movie.

8. Biggest Boy, The Greatship

(I don’t know the ship name so I had to make up a name. You know what, I think it’s actually just called the Greatship.)

So it’s a starship the size of Jupiter, empty, unmanned, perfectly mysterious, that comes gliding into the galaxy a couple million years into humanity’s future. Where did it come from? Who made it and how? Good questions. It’s powered by matter-antimatter annihilation reactions from within planet-sized internal tanks, and its engines use hydrogen and fusion exhaust as reaction mass, and its hull is made of hyperfiber, a super-strong fictional material with a 4-dimensional lattice structure, able to weather impacts by spreading them out over various dimensions where the impact occurred in a different place.

I hope that after the first few entries, you didn’t get the impression that I am somehow against futuristic, far-out, impossible technologies. Quite the opposite! I love me some hyperdrive and anti-gravity and A.I. and stuff. However! Ships must be well-designed for the technology available, and must take no creative liberties except those explicitly allowed by the difference in the setting. The laws of physics don’t disappear when the magic crystals come out, the magic crystals are merely a different tool to combat them. Engineering will always exist, should start with the tools and work outward, form follows function. Star Wars ships, for instance, are trash because they don’t mount their repulsorlift arrays consistently, they’re not aerodynamic, and their engines aren’t aligned around their center of masses.

So I like the Great Ship. Although the story is pretty far-fetched, and a lot of crazy, out-there scifi events transpire deep in the ship’s depths, the book always strictly kept its own rules in mind, and never broke those rules, no matter how outlandishly crazy things got. Thanks for comprehending something so incomprehensible, Robert Reed. You inspired me miles in my own work.

7. The Ghost, The Sea Wolf

The story may be fiction, but the Ghost was as real as ghosts can be.

Jack London did his research. No, not research, he LIVED this. The Ghost is a seal-hunting schooner much like one that he served aboard during his rollercoaster of a life, and he captured every detail of its operation, of its requirements, of its mechanics, and of the incredible toll it took on the people that lived such a life. The boat is made to feel as oppressive and claustrophobic as a prison, as if it were an extension of the monster that commanded it, directly in contrast to the expansive beauty of the sea around them. My goodness, what a beautiful book. What a moving, interesting, challenging book, with such a story! This book is one of the climaxes of fiction, and one of the inspirations for Shifting Sands, if I remember correctly. I would recommend this book to anybody. Beautiful.

6. Ferbnessa, Phineas and Ferb

Okay, so I hope we can all agree that Vanessa is nothing but bad news. But that being said, Ferb knows exactly the relationship he wants, and by golly, he goes for it. Most male characters would stutter or get nervous or lose confidence around their crush, especially if that crush is about a hundred miles out of their league or if they already had another boyfriend, but Ferb? No. Not my man Ferb. He’s slighly too much of a legend to fall for such childish pitfalls. He doesn’t posture, he doesn’t creep or flirt or try to sabotage the other men in her life, he doesn’t even speak a word, he just maintains his blank expression, cranks his own already-inhuman levels of confidence and competence up through the roof to borderline olympian levels, and continues being himself. These rare moments of Ferbly passion are some of the few open windows we get into the grandiose machinations of his mysterious mind, and he uses it to bring out the best in Vanessa as well. And in the future episode, set years down the line, wouldn’t you know it, they’re a pair.

All joking aside though, this whole ship is basically comedy. It’s a super small part of the show, it’s only in like 5 episodes, it’s a running gag, it’s hilarious. It’s great. And it fits right into the tone and the feel of the show, because P&F’s entire world really is a comedy about going for it and living your dreams. So this is just the best thing ever. It’s been about a decade since then, and I still burst out laughing at how much of a pristine picture of ideal masculinity Ferb is. Become like Ferb, boys, and you will become men.

Legendary.

Eat your heart out, Dipper.

3. Shunk, Voltron

(I don’t know the ship name so I had to make up a name)

Huge props to the voltron team for making a female alien character (even a romantic interest) with NO BOOBS. Do you have ANY idea how sick and tired I am of artists throwing a big ol’ pair of balonkadongs onto lobsters and snakes when almost everything in the real world besides folks and cows have either 0 or 8+ of them? Everything’s gotta be traditionally sexy and recognizably-feminine and GREAT now you just canonized all the porn! Disgusteg

but now look at Shay. She’s a rock person. She’s got silicon-based biology, she probably weighs 500 lbs and bleeds sand. She’s got enormous hands and weird knees and no nose and lumps everywhere, AND YET STILL the show plays all the tropes 100% straight with her being a fair young maiden and a sweet princess. And it works because Hunk is just this great guy who’s exactly as sweet and caring, and he’s not the most attractive of the Paladins either, so he probably lives his life looking past appearances. He doesn’t care that she’s an alien rock, he cares about her as a person, and she obviously worships him right back. Even though Shay is shown in season 1 and then never again until season 7, Hunk still avoids alternative romantic entanglements, citing ‘a rock I know’, and it just adds to his persona as this infinitely loyal teddy bear. I tip my hat to this, the single ship I know that’s 0% sexy and 100% wholesome.

And Hunk is the best Paladin. He’s just the greatest. I revere him. I salute him as he walks past. This man among men. Look at this guy. I don’t even care about any of the other ships in Voltron (I mean, the Castle of Lions is okay, but it’s outriggers are kinda spindly) but Hunk and Shay deserve each other.

4. Wendip, Gravity Falls

So Dipper’s 12/13, and Wendy’s 15. That’s a pretty giant age difference. Maybe you fans have fooled yourselves into thinking it’s not, but it is. She knows it. He knows it. His sister knows it. Your mom knows it. So halfway through the show, when he finally got around to confessing his feelings to her, she told him no. Sure they’re still friends, sure they like each other, and sure they have a lot of chemistry and they still have a movie night every Friday, but at the end of the day, he’s a smelly little midget who has to go back to California at the end of the Summer, and she’s a older girl with approximately zero romantic feelings for him. So the notion that it could work out is pretty obvious to everyone, and especially to him, pretty much hopeless. And he really did handle it all pretty poorly and immaturely too, he objectified her and stalked her and simped up a storm and sabotaged her boyfriend, so perhaps he deserved what he got. Perhaps it’s better this way.

And yet.

And yet Wendy never really got a happy ending in the show. And Dipper never got a conclusive romance either. So after everything, it’s easy to think about it how he thinks about it, by wondering how things could have been, if everything were just so slightly different, if she’d said yes or if they united again. She wishes she could be younger, he wishes he could be older. She’s more dominant, he’s more recessive. She has a lot of serious issues in her life, and could really seriously use a driven, heroic, intelligent friend to help her out, give her purpose, and steer her right. And Lord knows he could use somebody with street smarts and actual muscles to have his back now and again. They complement each other perfectly. They make up for each others’ weaknesses. They’re everything they ever wanted from another, and if you do the math, their children would be actual literal supersoldiers.

Or at least that’s the way a lot of people see it. There’s been immeasurable mountains of fanfiction and fanart from people who are just so sad that in a show full of happy endings and dreams coming true and old regrets being resolved and children growing up, that one ending would never be happy, one dream would never come to pass, one regret would stick with you forever, one child would never grow up. Maybe if you extrapolate out the story they’d end up together? Or maybe they’d find other, better partners? Maybe romance isn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things, and this is the best ending there could have been? Perhaps, perhaps not. But in any case, there’s a lot of very rich storytelling potential for the untold journey before them, and for the paths that could have been.

Stop drawing fetish art of Wendy, you insufferable heathen actual donkeys.

3. Kataang, Avatar: The Last Airbender

Now HERE’S a serious relationship. Not just a romantic ship, (though it is that,) not just some cutesy, funny thing or some ship-war fodder, (though it is cute and funny and did spawn a ship-war,) not just a matter of certainty and destiny, (though it is certain and was destined,) this is a real, TANGIBLE relationship, that these characters built together over a solid year of on-screen adventuring and fighting. They’ve helped each other through trauma, they’ve been there for each other in their darkest moments, they learned martial-arts together, they’ve fought back-to back against grown men, they’ve worked front-to-front sawing through steel girders, they’ve saved each other’s lives, he once ACTUALLY DIED and she brought him BACK. They end up respecting each other, and valuing each other in the intimate way that only true friends do.

And they’re shown working through all their imperfections and mistakes too. Aang sometimes oversteps boundaries and says stupid stuff because he’s a kid, and Katara sometimes scolds him and controls him because she’s motherly and orderly, they get jealous of each other, but none of those things drive them apart, and they deal with them, and they conquer them, and they keep a very legitimate and multi-faceted friendship going, and that’s the key to it all. The fact that this friendship becomes romance is just proof that it was a friendship of quality.

I think people tend to overlook or forget this ship because the last few episodes of the show found them in a pretty dark place, needing to deal with matters of life and death and justice in very different ways, and unlike all their other issues, we don’t really get to see them reconciling these differences before the story ends, which kind of leaves a sour taste between them. And Katara goes on a couple missions with Zuko around the same time, so now half of all people want Zutara, when in actuality, Zutara is a trash ship, which is a true science fact.

2. Serenity, Firefly

Only reason this ship isn’t #1 is because it isn’t constructed using a proper aerospace philosophy; it’s made of bulky machinery and steel beams and chunky plates, it looks more like an ocean vessel from the inside, and is WAY too big for its 6-12 person crew and light cargo capacity. Plus it doesn’t have any room for fuel and its got no wheels on its landing legs and no downward-facing windows and its reactor is just too dang SMOL and its engines are attached too flimsily. This all wouldn’t be too much of an issue if they were going for a far-future aesthetic, but if you’re trying to do something grounded and semi-contemporary, you need to lose some weight girl, I’m sorry.

But by gosh does it make up for it in heart. The entire inside of this ship was mapped out and made on set, with so many homely little decorations and touches to make every room feel like the person who inhabits it, sterile professional blue for the doc’s medbay, warm happy red for Kaylee’s engine room, all-serious-business-but-also-plastic-dinos for Wash’s cockpit... It hit me hard when this baby it crashed in the movie, and it felt almost real when River pretended to mind-meld with it. This ship has more soul in one buffer panel than most shows have in the entire cast, enough to make it seem like its own character, even in a show crowded with charming characters. I love this ship intimately, even if I would have built it differently.

1. Colonial Vessel 46.18′\, Gravity Falls

(I don’t know the ship name so I had to make up a name)

You didn’t think I’d leave out this one, did you? After all the fanfiction I’ve written? This is basically my ship at this point. Anyway, enough about me; the vessel beneath Crash Site Omega really is the quintessential alien ship; its perfectly cliche flying-saucer design taps into all the audience’s pre-existing fanciful notions and imaginings and disbelief-suspension, meanwhile its presentation isn’t cliche or fanciful in the slightest. 

There’s not much to say about it from a technical standpoint, besides personal musings: it would need anti-gravity to stay airborne without thrusters, it would need a FTL drive to cross the distances it did, its drones would need to be made of some kind of semi-liquid to move like they do... But these sort of out-of-the-box, never-before-seen, world-expanding brain-knocks are exactly what makes this ship special. It’s an alien ship, built with technology unknown to people, forged from materials that people don’t possess, and inhabited by beings we will never meet. For all we know, this ship could be perfectly sound from an engineering standpoint, and no engineer in the audience could claim to prove it otherwise, because unlike something like the T.A.R.D.I.S., they never try and fail to explain it away with science buzzwords or canonize its details or show off some fancy glowy reactor. This ancient husk is left as a yawning pit in reason, and that’s beautiful.

Moreover, this ship is an amazingly powerful narrative tool, and a mind-blowing surprise to drop in as a setpiece during the show’s final episodes. This ship embodies everything that made the show’s mysteries special: the evidence presented so early and so consistently, the creativity in creature design, action, and worldbuilding, the yawning depths of unknowable lore, and most of all the burning, unquenched desire to know more... The imprint this ship made in the cliffs over the town has been hanging over the characters’ heads the entire series, and its hull was below their feet from day one, so when they finally revealed it, and explored it, it felt invigorating. Rewarding. This ship, and the glorious feelings and thoughts it represents, have inspired to no end, and haven’t ended yet.

Honorable mentions:

Westley and Buttercup, The Princess Bride

Ooooh man I tell you what, it was really hard trimming this down to 10 for the list, and this one just barely didn’t make the cut, and that mainly because I have a sweet spot for animation and for warrior women, and this sweetness ain’t animated, and this damsel is as distressed as they get. And they don’t have a whole lot of chemistry? I don’t know how to measure that, but I feel like there was a lot of friendship stated that was never shown? Is it sacrilege to say that about True Love? I guess I’ve never exactly had True Love, so what do I know?

The entire plot centers around his devotion to her, and her love for him, and the lengths they go to for one another. He studies fencing and wrestling and wits and tactics for years on a pirate ship as he tried to return to her, and she refused the advances and the offers of an actual prince for as long as she could, even though she thought him dead, and was ready to kill herself when she knew him to be alive and not to be hers. And just such excellent action and characters and humor and story in the entire book surrounding it. Possibly an even better movie, somehow. Happy happy happy happy. They don’t make movies like this no more, why is that? Sad.

Endurance, Interstellar

Actually a pretty realistic design, all considering. They nailed the aesthetic, and the cinematography, and the feel.

It does lose points though, firstly because the shuttlecraft require a booster stage to make it into orbit when leaving Earth, but for the rest of the movie, whenever they’re landing on planets with similar gravity and atmosphere, they can just fly away like it’s no big deal, which is a big inconsistency, both with real life, and more importantly with itself. And how did an under-equipped and struggling space program put this thing in orbit in the first place, anyway? And why don’t their ships land on their asses like proper rockets? And why not tell the crew members the full plan before leaving? See, it’s little things like that, little inconsistencies made for the sake of fitting with story beats and simplifying it for the audience’s sake, that sours this ship for me. I don’t mind creative liberties, but actual plot holes? This thing has a few plot holes, and plot holes are absolutely yucky. So although most of this ship is very yummy, the yucky parts make it all yucky.

Yucky.

Plus its heavy cargo shuttles are about the least-aerodynamic things imaginable, and that’s also yucky, and there’s porcelain tiles in the stasis bay, like what?

Couldashouldawoulda been yummy.

The Hermes, The Martian

This ship. This friggin’ ship.

A beautiful ship. A well-conceived ship. A mathematically sound and engineered ship. It had so many many good ideas behind it. So much math went into calculating its thrust and orbital dynamics for this movie, so much work went into making it fit a contemporary space aesthetic, the panels, the heat sinks, the tanks, so much PRESENTATION I could KISS IT HMWA, but taken as a whole, engineering-wise, the whole ship falls flat on its face, because it just doesn’t fit together. It doesn’t make sense. Look at all those countless modules along its length. What do they do? They don’t do anything! It’s a quarter mile long, and it’s built for only 6 people? It’s meant to carry a lander? Where does the lander dock? Why are the useful airlocks so far off the center of gravity? Why does it have a cockpit? Why is the forward airlock so looooong? Why is the entire ship so loooooong? Why is the ring spinning so slowly? It’s not hard math to figure out how fast it needs to spin! You’re telling me you did ORBITAL DYNAMICS but not the SINGLE physics 101 equation needed to figure out how fast the ring needs to spin??

Btw, let’s talk about that rotating section in the middle! Think about the rotating section! That rotating section means that the front and the back of the ship aren’t actually connected! There’s just a pair of ring-shaped slip-slidey bearings bridging the ship’s middle, slip-slidey bearings that electricity, computer signals, and water and air pipes can’t cross. Why did they design it that way?? In the book the entire ship spun, which makes so much more sense! Why does it have solar panels when it has a reactor canonically capable of 40 times their output? Why are the fuel tanks so small? Why is it always facing prograde even when canonically burning retrograde? Why? WHY? BLRRRRGGGGGRGGGRGGG

In Conclusion, Ships Are Neat

[quu-kii]

Jake Gyllenhaal Filmography Ranking

My personal ranking of all Jake Gyllenhaal movies from October Sky onwards with some brief thoughts on each of the movies. Honestly the exact number ranking of these movies is probably not super accurate and could be liable to changes, but I tried my best with the ordering.  

Amazing Tier (My favorites)

1. Brokeback Mountain - This is such an emotional and heartbreaking movie. I knew it was going to have a sad ending going into it, but still I was not prepared for how strongly it hit me in the feels. And it’s not just the ending that is sad; you can tell that the love between the two leads is doomed from less than the midpoint of the movie, and it keeps going downhill from there. Overall, I think the movie is a perfect tragic love story. As well, there’s this very subtle and natural feeling to the whole movie that is difficult to describe but works really well. There’s just something truly special about this movie that makes me want to place it as the #1 best of Jake’s movies.

2. Nightcrawler - A highly suspenseful movie with an amazing lead performance by Jake as the sociopathic lead character Lou Bloom. Jake is really a big part of what makes the movie great, as he is such a strong focus of it. Lou acts so off, but it’s just impossible to take your eyes off him, and he is so interesting to watch since you keep wondering what he will do next. The other part of what makes this movie great is the writing and dialogue. There are just so many memorable and great lines, especially for Lou. Along with these factors, the subject matter of the movie, that of the career of selling violent news footage to news stations, is pretty unique, and there are some interesting ideas and themes in the movie as well relating to success and the news media. Overall I really love this movie. If there’s one thing I would say I might not like about the movie, it is the music. It can have an uplifting and hopeful vibe in dark scenes, which lessens the tense mood of some scenes. But I understand that the music was made to reflect Lou’s mood in the scene, which is a very interesting decision in itself and helps add to Lou’s character, since you can notice the contrast between how disturbing the scenarios he is in are and how Lou himself feels in such scenarios. So I at least admire the music for this aspect.

3. Enemy - A tense and psychological movie. I really love the heavy and surreal atmosphere of this movie, added to by the yellowish filter which is present throughout the whole movie as well as the score, which is ominous and used to amazing effect in the movie to enhance the dark mood. Also, I think this movie is both enjoyable when taken in at face value, being about a man who finds that there is a doppelganger of himself, and when looking deeper at what the “real” story is, taking into account the symbolism and various small details placed throughout the movie. It’s an interesting movie to think about due to its openness to interpretation. And lastly, Jake does a great job playing the two lead characters in the movie; despite the characters looking the same, they give off quite a very different vibe.

4. Spider-Man: Far from Home - My favorite MCU movie. I love so many things about this movie: how it deals with the aftermath of the Blip in a light way, how it deals with Peter Parker’s character after Endgame and his desire to just be able to have a normal life, the overall story, the setting being Europe and having this fresh vacation feeling, the fight scenes, and of course Mysterio. Along with this, it has great music (especially Mysterio’s theme) and probably the best mid credits and post credits scenes in the MCU due to their plot relevance. All of the characters are very likeable too, from Peter and all his classmates and teachers to others like Nick Fury and Mysterio, which is important to me since likable characters is one of the most important aspects to me in any kind of story. This movie was such a pleasant surprise after Endgame, which was a great disappointment to me. Also, this movie is special to me because it’s how I discovered the awesomeness of Jake and thus indirectly the reason why I watched all his movies and made this list in the first place. I’m not sure if a future MCU movie can top this for me, but who knows.

 Great Tier

5. Nocturnal Animals - A harsh movie with an interesting structure of having two main stories, with one of the stories being a story within the main story (I will call this story the 2nd story for brevity). I think the 2nd story is where the movie really shines. This story was so tense and much more interesting to follow compared to the main story, and Jake portrayed the emotions of anguish and despair so well in it. It’s also interesting to think about how the 2nd story links with the main story, which gives more depth to the overall story of the movie. I find this and Brokeback Mountain to be the most emotionally harrowing of Jake’s movies, which is definitely a compliment since I admire when a work is able to make me feel so strongly. Also, I have to note that I disliked that there was a random jumpscare in the middle of the movie. It doesn’t lower my opinion of the movie, but I really don’t like jumpscares and did not expect one in this movie.

6. Source Code - A really solid sci-fi movie about Jake’s character repeating through a time loop. It is the only Jake movie to make me cry due to me being a sucker for tragic scenarios involving time loops/parallel worlds. It was just a very engaging movie to watch due to the intriguing premise and the very good execution of said premise.

7. Zodiac - I didn’t know that this movie was based off true events until almost the end of it. So the whole time, I was expecting there to be a conclusive ending when there was no way this would be the case, since the Zodiac killer case to this day hasn’t been solved. Because of this, I felt initially disappointed about this movie from a story perspective, since all the clues from the movie seemed to lead to nothing. This is my biggest “flaw” about the movie (and it’s not really the movie’s fault), but this factor aside I really liked this movie. Jake, RDJ, and Mark Ruffalo are all great in it, and I love murder mysteries so much, so the story had me hooked on this alone. It’s so interesting to watch the characters piece together clues for the case and try to unravel the mystery, as well as seeing how the case progresses (or well, doesn’t progress at times) over the years. Also, this movie just feels really good to watch; as in, the scenes and shots flow together so well. It’s a great movie overall I think.

8. The Sisters Brothers - A western with a kind of laid back feel to it. Also supposedly it is a comedy, but I found it not funny at all. It’s not that I see the movie attempting jokes and find that they don’t work; it’s more like I don’t see the attempt at humor at all, unless maybe it’s kind of a weird dark humor thing. Anyways, I really like this movie, and it’s mostly because I really like the main four characters and their dynamics with each other. Jake does a great job playing his character John Morris and has an accent which is pleasant to my ears, though I was sad that he (as well as Riz Ahmed) wasn’t in the movie more. Even though I was watching the movie for Jake, I found myself liking John C. Reilly’s and Joaquin Phoenix’s characters, the two leads, a lot as well. It’s a movie that shines because of the characters for me.

Very Good Tier

9. Donnie Darko - A pretty unique coming of age story with sci-fi elements. I’m still not sure what to think of this movie, though I think I liked it. Some of my favorite scenes are where Donnie goes off on these rants about what he believes to be the truth. These scenes are amazing to me.

10. Prisoners - I actually find the story of this movie to be not that great. However, what elevates the movie is Hugh Jackman and Jake and their amazing performances. Funnily enough, I found myself siding with Hugh’s character and against Jake’s as they both simultaneously tried to solve the case. Also, this movie is just really exciting and engaging to watch and is maybe one of the easiest to recommend movies on this list due to these factors.

11. The Day After Tomorrow - This isn’t a very deep movie or anything, but it’s a really solid disaster flick in my opinion. I love the visuals, and Jake is such a cutie in this movie, a factor that really elevates it for me.

12. The Good Girl - It looked like a comedy or something from the outside, but actually this is a rather bleak movie. It’s one of the duology of the Jake-being-into-older-married-women movies (and the much better of the two for me). I find this movie pretty underrated.

13. October Sky - It’s an uplifting and inspiring movie, and I love how Homer’s relationship with his father is portrayed here.

14. Okja - I love the stylized vibe of this movie. Jake isn’t in the movie that much, but I really like every time he shows up. He goes full wacky here and it’s fun to watch.

15. Brothers - Tobey Maguire is the real star here. I think he was great in the movie and I could really feel the emotions of his character, especially after he comes back from the war and is in a troubled state of mind.

16. Stronger - A good based on real life movie about a survivor of the Boston Marathon Bombing. Jake does a great job as usual, and I think the emotions of the story came through well.

17. Wildlife - A really simple and subdued story about a family, but I think it works well in the movie. It has a very quiet and natural feeling to it.

Ok Tier

18. Demolition - A quirky feeling movie about a guy trying to deal with the death of his wife. The scene with Jake dancing in the city is my favorite part. Also I thought Jake’s friendship with the kid in the movie was a highlight.

19. Bubble Boy - It's kind of a dumb movie with some maybe offensive humor, but I thought it was pretty enjoyable regardless. Jake is so adorable as the main character Jimmy, and it was fun to follow his journey across the country and seeing all the interesting characters he meets.

20. Proof - I thought it was pretty good, but then the movie ended just when I thought it was starting to ramp up the story to the conclusion. This factor brought the movie down for me.

21. Life - The monster design for this movie was pretty cool, and I liked the ending and the general space horror vibe. However, I didn’t feel much for any of the characters.

22. Everest - It was ok, but I wasn’t really into any of the characters here.

23. Southpaw - I think this movie is very impressive for Jake’s resume, considering how he trained a lot and learned boxing for it. However as a movie itself, I didn’t really feel much for it and felt like it wasn’t doing much special in the story department. I liked some of the parts in the earlier half though.

24. End of Watch - I just wasn’t feeling this movie. Maybe it was the found footage style or something. I feel a bit sad about not digging this movie since I see it is generally one of the more well liked ones in Jake’s filmography.

25. Jarhead - I really don’t like the vulgar tone throughout this movie, but I do like the general story and message. Also the movie looks really good.

Not That Great Tier

26. Velvet Buzzsaw - I love Jake’s character Morf so much as well as the general premise. However the movie itself wasn’t too great: I found most of the characters besides Jake’s to be unlikable, and also the movie felt cheap. It’s very disappointing since the concept for the movie (horror in an art gallery) seems so promising.

27. Prince of Persia - This was the first Jake movie I saw back in the day around the time of its theater release. I have to say I find this to be Jake’s weakest acting performance out of all his movies. For me, good acting is when the actor feels very natural as the character and is somehow magnetizing to watch. But for some reason I did not get a very natural vibe from Jake as Dastan in this movie. I do think he looks very beautiful in this movie though with his long hair, so that’s a big plus. The story of this movie feels pretty cliché and kind of lifeless in a way, but I still liked it alright.

28. Highway - I don’t really like the sleazy tone of this movie. However, I think Jake is very adorable in this movie and has this pure wide-eyed vibe about him (despite him being a drug dealer and sleeping with prostitutes and such).

29. Rendition - I found this movie to be aggressively boring for the most part. There’s this subplot which I was unsure why I should even care about until a reveal near the end of the movie, when it was too late to start caring at all. However Jake in a bloody shirt towards the beginning of the movie makes for some good screencaps and gifs, and I learned about the term extraordinary rendition through searching about it after the movie.

30. Moonlight Mile - I guess this movie might be considered technically good because it tells the story it sets out to do fairly well, but I just found it very boring. There is a part towards the end with Jake’s character being very emotional which I really liked.

31. Lovely & Amazing - It's actually decent, but really not my type of movie. It’s the 2nd of the duology of the Jake-being-into-older-married-women movies.

 Just No Tier

32. Accidental Love - I actually enjoyed the beginning parts of this movie (though what’s with the constant dutch angles in the earlier parts?), and ironically it is around the point of the introduction of Jake’s character where I felt like it started to nosedive. I felt my soul slipping away and my IQ dropping by the end of the movie.

33. Love & Other Drugs – I really, really don’t like this kind of raunchy sex comedy movie. That’s all.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

1\Hi Em! I’d like your typing help if you don’t mind but first I just want to thank you for your advice I read about a year ago to go out and be a Person first before being a Type. That advice pulled me out of a slump where I was way too hard up about defining myself and other people with theories without considering their empirical basis. Anyway, I suspect I’m an INFJ 1 (162?) but I’m a little sceptical of actually being this supposed rare unicorn hype-type and would appreciate your input.

2\I really like planning ahead – daily schedules, which classes to take each semester, etc. I’ve been organising my personal schedule with detailed monthly calendars consistently since I was 18 (I’m now going on 22). I get frustrated easily when there are sudden timing changes, like people cancelling or being very late, and tend to need at least a day’s notice to be mentally prepared, even if it wouldn’t really affect my other activities, which I acknowledge can be a bit irrational.            

           3\I’m a good listener – I’ve been told this by several friends. I haven’t always been the best at advice but my strat is to ask the heck out of the situation that’s bothering them to help them open up about all the different aspects of their concerns. I think it makes them feel thoroughly heard and I enjoy helping them to process their thoughts and feelings without sharing much about myself, if I can see they don’t have that capacity in the moment. Their confidence is rewarding for me too.            

4\However, I’ve realised this might be an unhealthy double-edged sword because I apply the same standard to people who’d like to share my burdens. I tend not to volunteer much info unless asked directly/shown clear signs that my listener wants to hear me out, leading me to dismiss the good intentions of my more easily distracted friends. Also I’d have analysed my feelings from 1000 angles before verbalising so I usually won’t open up unless I’m sure they’re willing to stick around for all of it.            

5\In middle/high school, I was naturally sporty enough/had decent enough spatial awareness to be selected to join sports teams (I did netball and then ultimate frisbee) but performed quite poorly in competitive training because I just couldn’t get a lot of basic stuff right. I also could never really get along with my teammates, who tended to be louder and more social, in contrast to how much better I fit in and how many more interests I shared with my more academically-inclined classmates.            

6\I read a lot of fiction, but ironically I’m terrible at telling stories about things that have happened to me. I remember random details about people like their birthdays and little habits, but when it comes to reimagining a specific event, I can never string together a retelling that comes across as engaging to a listener: either I rush it and give the gist/punchline too early or spend too long filling in atmospheric details that give the “vibe” of the scene but with poor narrative structure.            

7\I’m interested in analysing group dynamics! and how subtle behaviour can affect the overall atmosphere of a social setting. Lack of consensus bothers me, although I try to understand where each person is coming from and rationalise whether their logic “makes sense”. I picked civil engineering as my major because it felt like a waste to drop STEM subjects, which I’d been doing well in, but I’m increasingly leaning towards pursuing urban planning in future because of its sociological aspects.            

8\Other facts: I didn’t have much of a Rebellious Teen phase, I’ve kinda always been the good/smart kid growing up and am probably still lowkey elitist (though I’m working on that). Hypocrisy bugs me a lot. I track my expenses religiously and rarely splurge. I really enjoy learning but I’m all for conceptual understanding – having to do heavy memorising puts me off.   Thanks for your time in reading this and let me know if you need clarification/better examples on anything. Have a nice day!             

---------------------

Hi anon,

I’ll go through this but everything here sounds a lot more like the Si-Ne axis than the Ni-Se axis. I think aux Fe is possible but not guaranteed, and I’m not really getting anything for enneagram except possibly 6.

My guess is ISFJ, but there were a few things that implied a certain rigidity and I don’t know if it’s coming from Si+Fe, or if your Si is actually auxiliary. I’m pretty sure ISFJ is correct but if it doesn’t seem right, that would be worth digging into.

The part about disliking interruptions to your plans is more a high Ni or Si thing. The part that gave me pause is the super-detailed schedule because I’ve never done that and a lot of the high Si users or Ni users I know don’t - like, they have a clear mental schedule, and important appointments are obviously marked off, and they don’t like sudden changes, but unless they’re exceptionally busy (and maybe you are) a lot of it is purely in their head and not a detailed start to finish day. If I’m misinterpreting and that’s what you meant, then disregard this.

The part about being a good listener definitely sounds like an Fe approach. It also sounds like a possible low Ne approach. An INFJ wouldn’t really be approaching the problem from every possible angle or focusing on asking direct questions; you also note that you look for clear signs or cues that it’s okay for you to share, rather than making inferences. The extensive emotional analysis sounds like lower Ti, as does the interest in group dynamics.

The part about sports isn’t super helpful; I think a lot of exceptionally good at sports people have high Se, but mediocre or bad at sports doesn’t really mean much. Similarly I haven’t really seen a pattern of if someone can tell a story well and MBTI; there are at least two factors (recall and understanding what’s engaging to others) and you have to be good at both to be good at storytelling. The difficulty with your teammates sounds probably just like general introversion and perhaps some social awkwardness.

I will say your statements about picking civil engineering and group consensus made me briefly think INTP, but I think unless you’re fairly unhealthy your lack of spontaneity rules that out.

Finally: I want to cover conceptual understanding here. You are very specifically interested in very pragmatic, applied things: civil engineering and sociology. You provided a ton of details elsewhere. And then, at the end, you mention a preference for conceptual understanding with no details about it.

This doesn’t mean it’s not true, but it does call into question what you mean by conceptual understanding. I think people divide things into rote memorization and conceptual understanding with no middle ground between, and that’s a big factor in people mistyping as intuitives. I think very few people actually enjoy rote memorization; I went into the physical sciences and math, in fact, because I dislike the rote memorization of, say, biology, but I like things where you can reason through problems from a few first principles and derive things and do actual hands-on experiments.

If ISFJ seems really off to you, let me know, but in that case I would guess aux Ne with something else driving the ‘needs closure’ aspects of your personality, rather than anything with Ni.

[tpo-akemi]

Chapter 1: Welcome to Simon

My mother was the person who knew me best, and she would always say that I will get into trouble all my life.

           She wasn’t wrong.

           It was a long corridor. Right next to me was a person who I’ve meet in a very strange way. Who would have thought that my addiction could get me into this whole mess.

           “Are you even listening? This whole meeting will determine if you live or die. Start taking this whole situation seriously if you don’t want this corridor to be the last thing you ever see.”

           My head turned to him the second I heard him speak. His usually dead eyes were now flaming with anger. I knew he was determined to get me in this place, that’s why he wasn’t going to let me go into the next room without the information I needed to leave alive.

           “Right, sorry. May you repeat what you said a few seconds ago?” I asked.

           With an exaggerated sigh he continued “In the room at the end is the conference room. That is where we usually do our meetings and reports. When we enter, don’t be surprised that everyone is wearing a mask. It is a protocol that we use so nobody knows who anyone is in case someone goes corrupt and tries to kill another member of Simon.”

           “Is that what those gas masks are for?” I interrupted.

           “Yes. Mine is this one, while yours is this gas mask. Couldn’t find a better one, sorry.” He continued. “Some of the members have same colored masks, that means they work in the same department, or in the same part of the city. Max is the only one who knows how everyone looks like, he is our leader.”

           “How do you know his name? You’ve just said you don’t know who anyone is.” I questioned him further.

           “It is a code name. Nobody knows who he is or where he is. He leads everything just from phone calls. Nobody knows where he lives or how he sounds. His mask has a voice changer so even if we tried to find him just by voice alone, it would be useless. All we know is that he isn’t the tallest person out there, maybe 5’ 9”, and all you need to know is that what he says, you do. He comes last into the conference room, leaves first, and whether he is coming in or leaving, bow deeply from the waist down. If you don’t, you are done for.” he finished.

           “I’ll take that as a sign he has a gun with him.” I tried to lighten up the heavy atmosphere, adding a low chuckle at the end of my sentence.

           “Everyone does, multiple guns actually. Also everyone has a least 3 knives so be careful to sit at a distance where they can’t reach you with their arm span.” he added.

           I nodded and continued following him. My eyes were glued to the carpet covered floor, the man’s feet leaving my vision in perfectly timed periods. He was tall, probably a good three inches taller than me, with a slim frame that went well with his slim face. His tired eyes seemed to be pulled down by the sides, almost meeting his high cheekbones, while his mouth rested quite low compared to the rest of his face. His hair was a dark shade of brown, matching his eyes, long and slicked back so it didn’t fall into his eyes. With a denim jacket covering his wide shoulders and his height, he looked quite intimidating.

           I halted my pace down the hallway, with the guy noticing immediately and turning around to face me. I stayed quiet looking at the floor, while he stared at me. When I figured out he wasn’t going to ask me what is wrong, I looked up at him, immediately being greeted with raising shoulders as if to ask ‘what are you waiting for?’ I gulped and finally asked

           “Why am I even here? What do you want from me?”

           The man rolled his eyes dramatically and extended an arm, aiming to grab mine and physically pull me down the rest of the corridor. We were just a few steps away from the door. I retreated my hand.

           “No! I’m not continuing until you answer me!” I shouted.

           He quickly came over to me and covered my mouth with his hand and brought up his pointer finger to his mouth to show me to quiet down.

           “Okay, okay! I’ll tell you but you have to keep quiet, there is a possibility they can hear us because we are close to the door.” He whisper-yelled at me. “Now listen to me because I will say this only once, you are not even supposed to know this.” After I nodded, he continued.

           “One of our members was recently shot and killed by the police and we are currently a man down. Max asked us to look for somebody to recruit and tell him when we find someone. The guy that died was the main drug lord in your area and he knew everyone that sold drugs in your part of the city. I thought it would be easier to find someone who already knows all the drug dealers in the area to fill the empty place in our group, but I couldn’t afford to lose track of you, so I decided to bring you right here as soon as I could. Technically you are not even supposed to be at this meeting.”

           “Oh cool, so my addiction actually has something else to it other than disappointing my parents.” I added sarcastically. His face didn’t even show and ounce of emotion so my self-degrading joke went up the wind. He handed me my mask, alongside with a knife.

           “What is the knife for?” I questioned while looking at the black blade he gave me. By the time I actually looked back up at him, he put on his mask. It seemed to resemble a fencing mask, only it was covered with color shifting jewels. A cloth that was hanging off of the mask hid his neck, now the only skin showing was that on his neck.

           “Self defense. Not that it will work in a gun fight, it is more of a comfort that you have a chance to escape if it gets to that.” he answered.

           I let out a sound to show that I understood and put on my mask. For a gas mask, it was pretty hard to breathe with it on.

           “One last thing. I don’t know how many of us are currently in there, may be 2, may be 19. With Max, there is 21 of us. I’ll sit down with the others, you will stand by the door. If only one seat is empty, stand in front of the door when we enter, if there are more members who have to show up, stand next to the door, your hands clasped in front of you. You need to show that you are not a threat. It helps if you keep your eyes closed while they pass. Under no circumstances are you to follow them with your gaze. Everyone remains motionless until Max appears. Also, if Max asks you anything, just say you don’t know. There were some bad instances before with people being killed by outing each other like that. Got it?”

           I nodded and with that he turned and headed towards the mahogany double door. There was a finger pad on the left side of the door. In just a few seconds the light above the pad turned green and the man pushed the doors open.

           The lights were a total contrast to the dimly lit hallway. The whole room was lit by chandeliers that were hanging from the comically high ceiling. The floor was a good meter below the entrance so there was a set of wide marble stairs. The floor itself was made of marble tiles, so were the pillars in the corners of the room. The walls were a burgundy red that matched the carpet in the hallway and decorated with expensive looking paintings. In the ceiling above the center of the room was a dome with renaissance like illustrations on it, contrasting the rest of the marble ceiling. I assumed that it was made of glass before, but remodeled so the room didn’t have any entrance or exit points despite the doors on separate sides of the room. Right below was a gigantic conference table made of mahogany to match the doors. And around the table were chairs. The man went up to take a seat in the closest chair to the door. With him seated, there was only one chair left empty. The doors closed behind me automatically, so I stayed on top of the staircase, clasped my hands in front of me and waited.

Until Maxes arrival I had all the time to examine the people sitting around the table. The man didn’t lie, there were people with similar masks. Just 4 chairs to the mans left was a person with a fencing mask covered in broken mirror shards. There was also a person who had color shifting jewels on their mask, but instead of a fencing mask, it was a cloth covered in flower corsages. The person had a really small frame so there was a chance it was a woman sitting between them. There was this eerie atmosphere around them all. After the man joined them, they sat there, completely motionless, not talking, not moving, just looking in front of them, as if they were robots waiting for a command.

Above the opposing door was a clock. The time was currently 21:59, 30 seconds until 22:00. He will probably come any second. I could feel my pulse skyrocket and my fingers twitch with every second that passed, so I gripped my hands tighter together and started counting down the seconds in my head.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Just in time, the door on the other side beeped and like on command, all the people around the table stood up in union and bowed. I bowed with them.

“Sit down.”

The voice was distorted just like the man said. A voice changer was in the pearl covered gas mask that lied on top of Maxes head. Even though his frame was smaller for a man, he had an aura around him that could make anybody obey him. He truly was the intimidating gang leader. He had a black denim jacket with singular red stripes on each of his sleeves, a simple white t-shirt underneath, baggy black pants and high lace up boots. No guns or knives were visible on him so I could probably say with guarantee that he had holsters in his jacket. There was no rush in his step while he descended down the stairs. His shoulders were loose as he moved almost mockingly, flailing his hands dramatically as he got to his seat.

“You have 10 seconds to tell me why you are here or you are lunch meat for my dogs. Use them wisely.” Max warned while he kicked back in his chair, lifting his feet up to rest them on the table.

“I don’t know sir. I was just told to stand here and wait.” I answered.

“And who told you that? Who brought you here?” Max pushed on with his interrogation.

“I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to that one either. I had a bag over my head so I couldn’t see who kidnapped me.” I lied.

Max hummed to himself after I finished talking, slowly rising from his chair. He started walking towards me slowly and I tried to remain calm, but my nerves were getting to me slowly.

“Relax, nobody here is going to harm you. But I have to figure out why you are here.” He joined his hands as if he is addressing to a child. “Tell me about yourself, but don’t say your name yet. It is kind of a thing for nobody to know who is who in this group, makes it a lot…safer.” He added.

The air became thicker and thicker the closer Max got to me, so by the time I finally got enough air in my lungs to start talking, he was already in front of me, showing me to lean down and whisper me his name.

“Chris.”

“I like it. I like it a lot. Tell me more.” He pushed.

“I’m 27 years old. I live in the old part of town alone.” I continued.

“Alone in the old part of town, huh?” he questioned. “No girlfriend? I can arrange you one quickly. And in the old part of town you say? No money for anything fancier?” he finished.

“Girls don’t really like junkies. And that also answers the second question.” I sighed.

Max snapped his fingers, finally realizing why I was here. He turned quickly and went back to the table where all the other members were still sitting motionless.

“Now it all makes sense. Someone from the group brought you here for me to recruit you. Let me ask a bit further. How many drug dealers are in the old part of town?” He pressed further with the interrogation.

“Six.” I complied.

“You don’t even need to learn the new names. Honestly, you seem like a perfect candidate. I just have one more question for you.” He said.

“How many chairs were empty when you got into the room?” He questioned, shifting his weight in the chair to put his elbows on the table and plop his head on top of his laced fingers

My breathing and pulse quickened again. Man this mask is annoying, too heavy and too sweaty. I gulped and answered.

“One. Your chair only, sir.”

He stood the second I gave him an answer. Walking up to me he pulled out his gun. The sight itself made my heart stop, expecting the worst, not knowing the temper of the leader of Simon. I closed my eyes and bit down on my lip to stop a whimper from coming out, only to be greeted by a sensation of something being put in my hands. When I opened my eyes, Max was looking directly at me, holding the barrel of the gun in his hand, while pushing the grip into my hands. After grabbing the gun in my hands he checked.

“Have you ever shot a gun?”

“No, n- not really.” I stuttered.

“It is easy. Keep the hand you are gripping the gun with straight, and shoot.” He demonstrated with another gun and shot the clock on the other side of the room. It fell of the wall and shattered on impact with the floor. Throughout the whole shoot out, none of the members moved a muscle. They really had nerves of steel. I wondered what they had to go through for them to be that unbothered. Max really is an enemy you don’t want.

“If I am to recruit you, you have to know some rules about the meetings.“ he said and turned to go down the stairs again. “First, as I believe you noticed, there is no talking or moving unless I say so.” He continued as the climbed the table and stood at the center of it. “Second, these meetings are weekly and I expect to be given reports every week on every gain and every loss we have, whether it be man power, guns, drugs, materials, enemies... anything.” He started slowly pacing in a circle while he was talking. “Third, I don’t like to be lied to like you just did.”

At his words I froze. How did he know I lied? Am I really that bad at lying or is he really that intuitive? Even if it was just a guess, I revealed myself by visibly twitching at his words and faintly gasping.

“I know you know who brought you here because there is no other way for you to be here. As you noticed, the doors have finger pads on them, so anyone who doesn’t have their thumb in the data base can’t enter without help.” He elaborated.

“Fourth, I don’t like surprises. I believe the person who brought you here must have forgotten that rule. With that knowledge being taken into consideration, they are replaceable just like the idiot you are about to replace. So, as a sign of your loyalty to me, I will give you a simple task.” He stopped his pacing around the table top.

“Kill the person who brought you here. If you do, you are officially in Simon. If you kill somebody else, I’ll just ask the other members if you killed the correct person. In that case, then both you and the person who brought you here will die. Simple.” He ended the monologue with a simple shrug of his shoulders and got of the table and back into his seat.

My hands began to shake so much I almost dropped the gun in my hands. There were so many questions jumping around in my head I could feel my head buzzing like an angry honeycomb. Yet, my mind was completely blank, as if there was a fog around my head. My heart was beating against my rib cage so strongly I got concerned if it will break my ribs from the inside. Suddenly, it was too hot and too cold at the same time and my knees were getting weak.

“The stage is all yours. Come up here and give us a show we will remember.” Max called out and it brought me back to reality. Slowly, one shaky step in front of the other, I got closer to the group of people who are about to become my colleagues. Still no movement from any of them. I figured out a while ago that it isn’t as creepy as it was weird for a group of people to be so obedient to one man. I got up slowly on the table and stilted my movements when I got to the center of the mahogany piece of furniture. I decided to take a closer look at all the masks. I wondered how some of them could actually see what was happening, especially the guy who had a mask covered with streams and chains. When I finished taking everyone in, I turned towards the man who got me into the room and pointed my gun at him.

“Oooh, so it was you Johnny?” Max pondered as he let out a gasp of surprise.

“Someone had to find a replacement, so I took it upon myself knowing that the leaders of the old part of town won’t do jack shit.” Johnny spat back sarcastically.

“True, they are pretty useless, but it is the best we have. Surprised you wanted to get into that part of the city. I know how much you hate it, and I wouldn’t blame you. You were used to luxury, especially in the new part of town next to the water.”

“It was for the benefit of Simon. I’m glad I got to do one last favor to this gang before being killed.” Johnny chuckled.

“Take off your mask Johnny.” Max demanded.

Without any resistance, Johnny took off his jewel covered mask and showed his face to his members for the first time. He set the fencing mask on the table and looked up at his future murderer. His eyes were no longer dead and lifeless, they had quite the glassy shine to them. He was on the verge of tears, the fear of death finally getting to him.

“Is this the man who brought our soon to be new member in?” Max asked the other members. In union all of the members nodded their head once.

“You may continue.” Max finished.

“Make it quick.” Johnny pleaded, to which I complied.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled. I grabbed the gun with both my hands, closed my eyes and pulled the trigger. There was a loud bang, followed by a thump, which I assumed was his body sliding off the chair and falling on the floor. There was a moment of silence before I heard slow clapping behind me. Max was already out of his chair as if to give me a standing ovation.

“Honestly, I was starting to doubt if you had the balls to pull the trigger. Congratulations. You are now a member of Simon.” He chimed.

I nodded and got off the table on the side where Max was standing. Clenching the barrel firmly in my fist I turned the grip of the gun towards him the same way he did to me. He happily took it back and pulled me aside.

“As a way to show you my gratitude and welcome to the group, I will show you my face.”

This was the first time the group behind showed any kind of human emotion. There were a couple of soft gasps and scoffs, but still no movements. Before I knew it, Max made me face the group, while he showed them his back. He grabbed the edge of his mask and pulled it up slowly, not taking it off fully. What I saw was a man my age, with blond hair, eyes as black as night and features so sharp they could cut glass. What I wasn’t expecting was to actually recognize the face, let alone a dead man’s face.

It was Sam.

[drkandraz]

Why Hirohiko Araki Is a Great Writer

Note: add writing saying “I am only going to be addressing JoJo because 1) I have not read his older works, 2) His works before and including Phantom Blood lack what I am talking about here and 3)  I include JoJo spin-off manga under the “JoJo” moniker”

 As the man behind one of the most influential manga of all time, Hirohiko Araki is already a highly praised writer and artist. However, I believe what lies at the heart of Araki-sensei’s writing style is not explored often enough. What I think are the most important factors in the writing of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure are the extremes to which the author takes his creative freedom and his skill in writing relationships between people.

Phantom Blood is the most conventional part of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. It has a structure very similar to other shounen manga at the time: hero has a rivalry, rival becomes obscenely powerful, hero learns martial art to defeat rival, ally dies, other ally narrates, hero wins etc. Phantom Blood’s writing only succeeds in the outlandish concepts introduced throughout: vampires appearing as a consequence of mayan blood rituals with magical stone masks, vampires somehow sucking blood by introducing their fingers inside a human’s skin, the power of the sun channeled (or created) by breathing, medieval warrior zombies, people being cleft in half by chains… frog punching. What also comes out here is a hint of the strategic battles the series will come to be known for, with Dio’s defeat at the hands of a burning sword.

A lot of the quality of the writing comes in the relationship between Jonathan and Dio, two characters who could not be more polar opposites who supposedly die together. While Jonathan is a typical nice guy shounen protagonist, Dio is a somewhat complex villain; he is irredeemably evil, but not unjustifiably so.

The decision to change protagonists was in itself an unheard of prospect at the time, each part bringing its own atmosphere and self-contained storyline, facts which allow Araki-sensei to explore all of them at length.

In comparison, Battle Tendency goes completely off the rails. If Phantom Blood is a cautious dip into the water, then Battle Tendency is a cannonball jump right into the deep end. This is where JoJo starts going from typical shounen manga to a manga characterized by battles of wits and skill rather than of pure brawn; and this change is reflected in its protagonist. Where Jonathan was the perfect gentleman who would never face his enemy anything less than head-on, Joseph likes to screw with his opponents’ heads. To show this change in character, his first major fight is against an enemy comparable to Dio, who is taken out a lot more easily thanks to Joseph’s fighting style. The insanity present in Phantom Blood is taken up to 11: the vampires are mere distractions to the new Pillar Men, Nazis are turned into Cyborgs and Hamon now apparently works on bubbles.

The relationship built between Joseph and Caesar is perhaps the most natural growth displayed in the series until this point. Their friendship grows gradually and culminates not with perfect teamwork, but with a realistic ideological fight between the two, one that Joseph would come to regret for many years to come. Caesar’s death is one of the most natural and powerful scenes in manga history, from the desperate dedication he displays even in his final moments, to Wamuu’s respect for him and to Joseph’s desperate cry for his best friend.

Stardust Crusaders is the start of Araki-sensei’s complete creative control. Stands now allow him to explore any fun and interesting idea he has in battles and to make stands that fit with their characters. The change of the format from single story to monster of the week supports the author’s writing style of throwing ideas at the wall and expanding them to his heart’s content. However, the clunkiness of his inexperience with such creative control is obvious. He is obviously pressured to come up with cool designs and powers for the stands (some of which he will later forget). In the second half of Part 3, getting used to the concept of stands, he starts writing interesting and fun ideas for his battles, like the D’Arby Brothers and Vanilla Ice. The insanity is punctuated by the increasing number of musical references (from Captain Tennille to Oingo Boingo).

Sadly, the characters take a backseat for the duration of this Part. Except for certain minor moments between the Crusaders, the characters don’t really have arcs (except for perhaps Iggy and Polnareff). For this reason, Jotaro, Kakyoin and Avdol are often criticized for having little to no character, which is a fair point. Jotaro himself is more of a superpowered version of the most barebone characteristics of Sherlock Holmes.

Dio’s return recontextualizes Part One as a tragedy rather than a story of sacrifice for the greater good, as well as making Part Three more of a culmination of generations of fighting rather than another story about saving the world. Jotaro vs Dio is still one of the best battles in shounen history because of the weight behind every single action the characters take feeling like the climax of the story.

Diamond is Unbreakable, in contrast to its predecessor, is not in the least an epic story about cleansing evil. It is, for the most Part, a slice of life. Therefore, its stand users have abilities more suited to everyday life (Bad Company notwithstanding), or rather their own special needs. The town of Morioh truly feels like a real (albeit bizarre) place, with a community comprised of people with their own personal goals. The advantage of Part 4 in Araki-sensei’s writing style consists of the fact that the author is no longer chained by the needs of the lengthy story structure that plagued Part 3. He himself pointed out in an interview that he could always go back to continue Part 4 if he wanted to (I could not find the interview again, sorry. If you can find it or correct me, it would be most appreciated).

The character’s relationships in DiU are quite evidently better defined than in Part 3. The main crew of Part 4 is smaller and it never feels restrained to keep everyone around at every point in the story (like Part 3 was somewhat forced to). In this way, characterization and character relationships are better crafted within stories that emphasize only those characters and relationships. Jousuke is never forced to be the main character of an episode; rather, he only is when the story demands it, making for a much better experience. Of note are Koichi, whose growth is signaled within his stand’s abilities, Rohan, whose growth is exhibited throughout the series and within his spin-off series, Joseph, whose appearance is bittersweet to old fans, as the sneaky and crafty Joseph becomes senile and unable to do anything worthwhile and Kira, whose chillingly normal demeanor doesn’t betray his dark tendencies.

After Part 4’s gleeful atmosphere, Part 5 dives right back into the horror-inspired roots of JoJo. Giorno Giovanna, Dio’s son, is a far more dark and cunning figure than Jousuke. Indeed, Giorno and the rebellious cell of Passione he becomes part of are a reflexion of past characters painted in a new, more sinister light, fitting with the new Mafia theme. They are a family, led by Bruno Bucciarati just as the Part 4 gang was led by Jotaro, but because of their jobs, they live in a world almost completely devoid of the fun antics of DiU. However, their relationships are just as well developed: Abbachio and Giorno’s one-sided rivalry is resolved organically, Bucciarati and Giorno’s hatred of immorality is what binds them together and Fugo’s “betrayal” is completely in character for him etc. As a villain, Diavolo is well written insofar as we recognize that his main attribute is his megalomania and his relationship with Doppio is magnificently fucked up in the best way possible.

The fights in Part 5 are brutal bouts for survival. The enemy stand users are trained assassins who will stop at nothing to get their revenge on The Boss. What makes this change even more effective is their motive for chasing the gang, the murder of their “family members” at the hands of Diavolo. Therefore, each ability is more valuable than each of the ones in Stardust Crusaders, since there are just a lot less of them. Each stand is that much more developed and consistent in its use (with the exception of King Crimson, but I’m not going on that rant right now) On the other hand, the concepts introduced for them are just that much more insane: a turtle in which one can enter by putting a key in a hole in its back, a stand that dehydrates everything at long range, a stand that can put zippers on anything etc.

Part 6 is a much more plot focused arc. The whole part focuses on Jolyne’s search for her father’s memory and stand discs with the help of Stone Ocean’s gang of reluctant helpers. This gang feels less like a pseudo-family, more like a bunch of people chasing their own goals and helping each other along the way. This, by the end of the story, is what will bring their demise at the hands of Pucci, Dio’s best friend. Despite this, I can’t say they are not well-written characters. Foo Fighters’, Weather Report’s and Pucci’s characters and arcs particularly are very compelling.

Within this story driven part, the villain of the week format just does not fit anymore. This is why, despite their great ideas and executions, a lot of villains from Stone Ocean are made forgettable especially by the ending, which left almost no hope for a direct continuation to be made. In many ways, it can be said that one of Araki-sensei’s strong points eclipsed the other one completely.  The creative freedom which used to be a leading factor in why the series was so great was now taken to too many extremes (Looking at you, Heavy Weather and Bohemian Rhapsody) which detracted from the story more than they added.

On the other hand, the reboot Part 7 brought was exactly what JoJo needed, in my opinion. Now that stands had been grounded as more akin to abilities than the ghosts they were originally, there was no need to keep them as anything more than representations of the user’s skills. The bizarre nature of JoJo was also given almost complete freedom with the abolishment of continuity and concepts like stand arrows. Instead, Araki-sensei introduces pseudo-scientific and pseudo-philosophical concepts that fit in perfectly with JoJo. To explain the level of insanity, I will summarize the premise of SBR in one sentence: two men, one crippled and the other with the power of ball hamon, compete in a cross-country horse race in 1880s USA, while fighting dinosaurs and the president using powers granted by Jesus Christ. While the stand battles in the middle section are almost as forgettable as Part 6’s, it matters less because the most important aspect is the development of our two main characters.

The characterization in Part 7 is the best it’s ever been in JoJo. Johnny’s hopeful nihilism contrasts perfectly with Gyro’s playful jackassery. The main cast – now smaller than any that came before it – only consists of two characters (if we don’t include the very well written reccuring side characters). Every character gives a feeling of having their own agenda, while also each contributing to one side of the battle between Johnny and Gyro and President Valentine. Interestingly, Funny Valentine is probably right from an ideological stand point, which is an unexpected turn out from a mostly childish manga up to this point.

Part 8 brings Steel Ball Run’s ideological musings into the 21st century with a return to Morioh. Araki’s style has retained its mature edge, but shifted them into science-fiction territory. The characters retain the moral ambiguity found in Part 7. Jousuke would do anything for Yasuho, even torture somebody. Yet the familial aspect that had long been missing from JoJo returned in full force with the Higashikatas and their rival pseudo-family, the divided Rock Humans. This makes Joubin a perfect antagonist despite his seemingly underpowered ability.

The bizarre atmosphere of JoJo’s fourth part returns with the Shakedown Road and the Milagro Man arcs which have almost nothing to do with the overarching plot of the series, but enhance the sense of a world existing beyond the characters. The battles in JoJolion are realistic and brutal to the extent not even Vento Aureo was willing to go, despite the relative bizarreness of the enemies’ stands.

This is how Hirohiko Araki’s writing style changed over the years from simple and restrained to bold, philosophical, dark and bizarre. The overall mundanity of Hamon was slowly replaced by stands and other special abilities, allowing the author to indulge in outlandish ideas that complimented the intelligent, consistent and thoughtful structure of his battles. To conclude, I believe Hirohiko Araki is a great writer because of the balance between his strange, out there ideas and his calm and logical understanding of his concepts (with a few exceptions), combined with his ability for writing strong and believable arcs and relationships for characters.

Edit: If you want more details about the first four parts of JoJo, I wholeheartedly recommend Super Eyepatch Wolf’s videos on the subject, as he can go into much more detail in those.

[littlemissheartfilia]

Son of the Don

ITS HEERREEEEE~! 

I’m so excited! Are you excited?? So anyone who doesn’t know this is the start of my next new ambitious fic series. I got the idea for it to be a part of Stingue week but only the first chapter will be. After that I’ll upload weekly, probably every Saturday, and I’ll be honest, I have no idea how long this will be but I’m predicting at least ten more chapters probably more. 

Long story without my rambling: Sting’s a detective in the 1930′s. Rogue’s the son of a mafia Don. There will be lots of angst~ Enjoy :_)

Oh this is also on AO3 now! This chap caps out at about 4k words!

Part(s):  [1]   [2]   [3]   [4]   [5]   [6]   [7]    [8]

Series: To Love or to Lose is a Yukinerva aspect of this universe

Pairing(s): Stingue, eventual yukinerva and orfus, possible gajevy or nalu

Setting: New York City by Long Island 1935.

Summary: With a rise in murder cases, poverty, drunken brawls, and thievery Sting Eucliffe is watching his city go up in flames. The Great War killed everyone else he knew. The stock market crash destroyed any hope America had left. In such difficult times Sting struggles to fight off the past and to find a hope that’ll keep him going.

After ten years in a foreign country Rogue Cheney finds himself at the bottom of the world’s pit of despair. Yet he can’t seem to find the emotion to care. Even if he could it would serve the future Don of the Cheney Clan no good. His father has a business to run. And he has a lot to learn.

September 2, 1935

The long drag from the cigarette tastes foul in his mouth for the first time in his life. The ashes flare up brightly then recede just as quickly into a charcoal colored stub on the end of the stick. Sting Eucliffe held the smoke in for a few moments, letting the putrid taste sit on his tongue.

It’s fine, he tells himself. He deserves this, he knows. The cigarette is just a pale imitation for the world that tried to kill him every day. Society was the flame and Sting was the tobacco. He was always being chased, always being lit on fire for other’s amusement. And the certain other he thought of was permanently stuck in the back of his mind, disintegrating every last happy memory he’d had. Just like the embers chase away the mint tasting menthol with every inhale.

He blew the smoke out through his nose at first and then, when he couldn’t stand the taste any longer, he opened his mouth to release it all at once. He watched it billow into a hazy fog that quickly covered up the dull gray of the ceiling tiles. The smoke was clouding over everything until, even with the golden light of evening coming through the slanted blinds, Sting thought that his entire office was turning gray.

He was just about to take another drag when there came a knock on the door. He sighed as he sat back, the squeak that followed sounded like chills up his chair’s spine. “Come in,” he moaned to the closed glass door.

In a moment his silver haired secretary peeked inside. Her round cheeks were as rosy as always, and it shocked Sting, the contrast such a fair haired young creature had in this dull office. “Detective?” she called.

Sting sat forward, pushing the butt of his cigarette into his ashtray. Trying for a smile he said, “Yukino, don’t be shy now. What can I do for you?”

Yukino slipped her way between the door and stood before him fully. “Chief has been asking for you. Says he’s got another tough case that he needs you for.” Yukino paused and Sting casually cast a glance outside his office. The blinds were always down but he kept them slanted slightly so he could see basic movement within the precinct.

Sure enough, there was Chief Jiemma standing impatiently by Yukino’s reception desk, tapping his foot and glaring at everyone. Sting also noticed how suddenly every officer in the station was dutifully doing their work, noses to their files or telephones so they wouldn’t have to look at the Chief. He didn’t like to be looked at.

Sting blew air out of his nose. “Yikes, he doesn’t look happy,” he remarked.

Yukino clasped her hands neatly in front of her long pressed skirt. “I would be wary. The departments been breathing down his neck because of the rising unsolved murders.”

Sting rubbed the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “Don’t remind me,” he said then he stood up. “Alright, I’ll be there in a moment.”

Yukino nodded and shyly slipped out of his office to tell Jiemma he would be present soon. Sting, meanwhile, ran a hand through his slicked back blonde hair. The day was wearing thin, and so was his appearance. Soon his hair would start sticking up in random spots, this gel was the only way he could keep it controlled.

But it wasn’t time to think about that right now. If Jiemma was being hounded from HR that likely meant he was going to hound Sting too. It wasn’t like Sting was already up to his knees in unsolved, no lead murder cases. He was starting to believe crime in this city was going to consume them all. Not to mention the whispers he’d heard that gangs had been forming in the dregs of back alley residence areas. This city is going to shit... Sting thought as he walked around his office desk and out into the tense silence of the precinct.

He kept his back straight as he approached, already fingering another cigarette from his shirt pocket. “Chief?” Sting said lighting up the cigarette as he approached.

Jiemma grumbled and crossed his arms, looking down at Sting from his impossible height and bushy face of hair. “Ass in gear, Eucliffe, we got another murder case. Fifteen year old girl this time. That brings this precinct ten cases behind and HR is going to start making cuts if you can’t do your job right.” His voice was deep, gruff like it always was when he’d been drinking too much.

Sting simply nodded and didn’t meet his gaze, looking instead to the cigarette between his fingers as he flicked away the excess ashes. “What are the details of the case? I’ll look over them all tonight.”

Jiemma huffed and frowned. “No, not tonight, now -” He shoved a thin folder into Sting’s chest and made to walk away, forcing Sting to follow him as he went. “I don’t want any excuses this time, Detective. There’s a reason all these unsolved murders are piling up and I want to see results from you.”

Jiemma stomped around each desk, his expression just as heavy as his footsteps, towards his own office. Each officer either found an excuse to suddenly get up from their chairs before Jiemma passed, or a reason to duck under their desk, leaving Jiemma’s footpath empty. Sting followed obediently, like a trained cat, not making any noise.

“You think they’re all connected, Chief?”

With one hand on the metal of his office door handle Jiemma whipped around, “Of course they’re connected, boy!” he roared and Sting stopped a few extra paces back. “Ten murder cases in three weeks and whispers of a new gang in D4 and you think it’s a coincidence?”

Sting nodded his head and kept his face stoic. “It is suspicious, sir.”

“Right,” Jiemma said standing in the doorway to talk loudly at Sting. “So figure it out, Eucliffe. I want results!”

Without another word Jiemma stepped inside and slammed the door in Sting’s face. He was left standing, cigarette burning uselessly where it hung from his lips. He fingered the edges of the thin file of papers nervously for a moment then turned around.

Every eye in the precinct was on him. Officers stopped in their tracks to stare widely at the show. Sting rolled his eyes and made sure everyone saw. Putting the file under his arm and grabbing the cigarette between his fingers he said, “Alright, back off scamps. Nothing new happened here. Just get back to work before he kills us all for slacking off.”

Instantly life returned to the station as if nothing had happened. Sting began to walk back to his office. It was almost a rarity now when Chief showed up here. He guessed that was the reason for everyone’s curiosity. Sting didn’t know where Jiemma was always running off to, and he didn’t really have the courage to ask.

The last time someone asked Jiemma a personal question it was his daughter and she didn’t leave the station without some nasty bruises. No one really questioned the chief after that. They all just stuck to their jobs, because what he did didn’t matter as long as they got paid.

Sting hated that atmosphere. It should matter to them. He had never been able to get close to the chief’s daughter, not that he wanted to, but Minerva Orland had always seemed to be hiding something. He had a feeling that Jiemma was the reason for that, even if most of the time she acted like she enjoyed the torture Jiemma would inflict on them. Sting had a gut feeling she was just acting out of self-preservation.

Not unlike the rest of them, Sting observed. In all his years on the force he had found that that’s really all life is. Just a world of self-serving bastards trying once more in pitiful desperation to survive until tomorrow.

He slapped the file on his desk and moved to the cabinets lined up on his wall so he could look at the others all together. Ten cases. Ten murders. And only one lead across all of them that was currently skipping town.

Sting hated to admit it but cases were never this empty. Not in a city as big as New York, not with telegraphs and telephones making communication-and subsequently gossip-easier to hear. The more he struggled with this the more he thought that evidence was purposefully being hidden or stolen from the police. Someone wanted very much to cover up their tracks.

The chief’s words rang in his ears once more, Ten murder cases in three weeks and whispers of a new gang forming down in D4 and you think it’s a coincidence? Sting swallowed hard. If New York was breeding new gangs, dangerous ones that killed for sport or perhaps something worse, he would have an entirely different case on his hand. One that could kill him at any turn if he slipped up.

Sting walked from his desk over to the table by his cabinets, and poured a glass of whiskey. He took a slow sip and let the burn ease its way down his throat. If this did end up killing him what would be the harm in a few more liquid deaths before he got there.

Rogue Cheney hated slackers. He had no sympathy for the stupid sluggers who gave excuse after excuse without result. So the idea of standing here, ready to kick down the door of the shithole his weasel of a soldier stuffed himself in now was repulsing to say the least.

He had told Damien over and over again to not fuck up. To clean up every scrap of evidence. Hell, Rogue had even made it easy and gotten one of their associates to go into the precinct and wipe any evidence the police did manage to find. But still Damien was here, running for his life, because despite all of their careful planning and protocols in place a missing person’s report had been put out along with a BOLO for arrest with Damien’s face on it.

After thirty minutes of listening silently at the front door he had heard enough to know that his weasel was still inside, talking in hushed tones to someone who sounded like his wife. Rogue turned around, the silk material of his dress clothes swishing delicately as he did. With one look at his soldiers- his soldatos -behind him, they were charging inside the rundown shack they called a complex.

Rogue watched each soldato stomp inside. He listened calmly to the screams that followed. Every man had his weapon drawn as he stepped across the threshold. Rogue waited until the first shrieks of shock had died down, and he knew that his targets had been wrangled together, before he stepped in.

Rogue held his head high, taking his hat off as he entered. He held the hat where his heart should have been. With a fierce gaze he looked over the room. The weasel was clutching onto his wife and child. Coward. Rogue thought. A wiry frame of a man too weak to protect his own. His long face paled as Rogue strutted forward and all of a sudden his mouth was unhinging wildly but no sound made it out.

Rogue’s shined shoes clicked on the pine flooring as it creaked under his weight. He opened his arms and gave Damien a grin. “Damien,” he spoke drawing out his words in a thick Italian accent. He had practiced it just to remind Damien of where Rogue and his family came from. Things may be different in America but Damien had to remember that Italians like him and his father don’t play by their rules. America is weak, but Rogue wouldn’t be.

He was only two steps away when Damien let go of his wife, who then hugged her seven year old son closer to her. He was on his knees now, pleading, getting dirt all over the expensive suit Rogue’s father had given him.

Rogue sneered, managing to look happy whilst doing so. “Skipping town, Evans?”

“ Capo,” Damien pleaded putting both his hands together. “ Capo, please. Mercy-” Damien tried to shuffle forward on his knees but Rogue slyly slipped a pistol out of his pocket and leveled it at Damien’s head. There was barely a split second for Damien to realize he was staring down the barrel of a gun before the bullet split its way through his skull.

Damien’s wife screamed as his body fell to the floor, all blood splatter and leaky wounds. Much to Rogue’s surprise the little boy barely even flinched. He just stared at his father’s dead body, all dark eyes almost black in the dingy room, while his mother shook him and went into hysterics.

Rogue looked at the boy for a while. When the kid didn’t meet his eyes he bent down, knees hanging over the blood puddle. “Come ti chiami?” Rogue asked and kept staring. Finally the boy looked up and Rogue noticed a single tear was falling down his left cheek.

He looked confused and the more he stared the more his eyebrows creased. “What’s your name, son?” When the boy didn’t answer Rogue continued with a nasally “Huh, don’t you got one?” Rogue jerked the barrel of the pistol in his direction to get his attention.

Suddenly the boy straightened. His mother by now had collapsed on the floor and was whispering Damien’s name over and over again, like a mantra, as she crawled slowly to his body. “F-Frosch?” the boy stuttered. He swallowed thickly, a bead of sweat falling down his temple from his head of chalky brown hair.

Rogue chuckled. “Say it clearly, piccolo. Be proud of who you are.”

Frosch nodded slightly, his pupils now shakily darting between each of Rogue’s eyes. He was now pointedly avoiding the corpse of his father. “Frosch,” he said loud and clear.

Rogue smirked. “That’s a good, boy. You know you could turn into something-” Rogue talked with the gun in his hand, gesturing casually to Damien’s body. “-not like this failure. And listen I’ve already killed a lot today, and I could take you too, but kids- eehh-” Rogue made a face and waved his hands searching for the words. “Let’s just say we Italians have a strong moral code for some things. So, Frosch, if you behave and follow orders, you may be able to stay with us from now on.”

Frosch’s eyes seemed to level out at the size of dinner plates. His expression lost its confusion and gained something that Rogue knew all too well. Blankness. Emptiness. And judging by the deadset in Frosch’s eyes Rogue would say it was coupled with the inability to feel anything when he knew he should be in a similar state as his weeping mother.

Still he didn’t spare her another glance as she lay on her husband’s chest, trying to wipe the blood off his forehead in vain. “And what if I don’t want to?” Frosch asked.

Rogue gave a noncommittal shrug and pointed once more with his gun to the corpse of Frosch’s father. Frosch looked at his father again, but it was almost like the first time and his eyes widened all over again. In a split second he pieced it all together. His head snapped back up to Rogue who had extended a hand.

Without looking back Frosch took it and followed Rogue as he stood up to bring Frosch out of the house. The boy tried to look back a few times, especially when his mother began calling his name. She nearly reached him with her hands to pull him back.

But Rogue didn’t need to say anything before she was restrained, he placed one hand on Frosch’s shoulder to keep him from turning around. Walking out of the shack her ghastly shrieks followed as the soldatos closed in, all guns and stern bodies blocking view of her only offspring. The last thing they heard was a high pitched screech cut off at its apex, leaving the now silent air bone chilling in the tail end of summer.

“Yer a fucking idiot, Ryos.”

Rogue fought the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Stop calling me that,” Rogue said in a flat tone.

The man standing in front of him, his brother, took another look over at the boy Rogue had picked up. Since arriving back at the Cheney house, Frosch had been rather quiet, though Rogue couldn’t be sure if that was normal for the boy. Now he was sitting patiently, thighs on his palms and staring at his kicking feet in the large grand foyer of the Cheney mansion. Rogue briefly wondered why the boy hadn’t broken down by now. He doubted Frosch was used to the mafias tactics; but the implication given by his reaction to all this suggested otherwise, and that put a knot in Rogue’s stomach.

In his experience, the family didn’t deal in children. Not since his elder brother had nearly been killed for being the child of a hidden affair. But Rogue also knew that the family held its own code of honors, one which involved no killing of children. For now that meant he would have to take Frosch under his wing, get the boy situated in a housing agreement with someone willing, and hopefully- hopefully-the boy wouldn’t be too much trouble.

Gajeel scoffed, he put his scarred hands in the pockets of his baggy slacks. “Kid looks like a wimp.”

“Mind your business, fratello,” Rogue warned.

“You know the boss doesn’t deal in kids,” Gajeel barked at him. “What makes you think you can keep him?” Rogue opened his mouth but before he could say anything Gajeel added. “And don’t call me, fratello.”

Rogue curled his lips. “Your mother is my mother; that makes us fratelli. But I’m not here to debate blood with you, where’s the boss?”

Gajeel groaned and turned from Rogue to light up a cigar. “Fuck if I know. He’s your kin, I was just leaving.”

Gajeel made as if to walk away but Rogue grabbed his elbow and gripped it hard. “Why are you here, anyway?” Rogue asked.

Gajeel ripped his arm out of Rogue’s grasp, his teeth grinding a little too much on the butt of his cigar. “Relax, I was looking for the boss too but he ain’t here.”

Rogue sneered. His elder half-brother only came around for the boss if he wanted something. And after all the stunts Gajeel had pulled with his drinking, drugs, and fucking around he’d been cut off from any legitimate claims to the Cheney’s estate or expenses, even after Rogue's father had been so kind as to allow him an illegitimate chance at it. Rogue despised the idea of Gajeel coming back and asking for something now. After all that’s happened Gajeel can’t possibly expect the boss to do anything for the son of an affair that wasn’t even his own.

“All of the power offered to you in this house and you still seek the boss’s money just to chase the dregs of society…” Rogue commented harshly but Gajeel didn’t grace him with a response. He offered no more words and his reaching hand fell back to his side. Gajeel gave him a hairy eyeball before shrugging off the touch and stomping out of the main foyer.

Rogue watched his body disappear behind the closed door. His attention was broken finally when Frosch’s high pitched voice called to him.

“Do I have to leave now?”

Rogue turned to the boy, eyebrows furrowed. “What?” he asked some of the venom from his talk with Gajeel still present in his tone.

Frosch shrugged. “Last time they couldn’t find the man to take care of me I had to leave.”

Rogue walked lightly up to Frosch. “What do you mean the ‘last time’?” he asked.

Frosch stared up at him with big dark eyes, if the light held them long enough Rogue could tell they were brown but here in the dim foyer before nightfall they looked as black as his pupils. “Back at the orphanage. I went to my first family but they never found the head of the house so I had to leave.”

“Your first family?” Rogue quirked an eyebrow. Frosch just nodded matter of factly. So this boy is used to seeing rotten things? Rogue thought. He frowned slightly and said, “Nevermind, I don’t care. Just go upstairs. Last door on the right is my room you can have it until we figure out where you’ll go.”

Frosch followed his order without hesitation. His small steps echoed in the grand room as he practically ran up the stairs. Rogue let out a heavy breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He turned his attention instead to the problem at hand.

Where was his father? He couldn’t very much bring a new child into the family without permission first, especially one as young as Frosch. And he knew his father’s loathsome attitude towards anyone younger than twenty-five. Most of the time Rogue was even sure his father hated him, his only son, simply for not growing up fast enough.

On a whim Rogue found his feet had brought him into the kitchen where servants were preparing the family’s dinner. Porchetta. His father’s favorite. Though it was hard to tell, wherever the boss was, that a dinner would bring him home tonight.

“Adelina?” Rogue called to the brown haired servant preparing the ingredients and ordering around the other cooks. “Tell me when the boss will be home, ah?” he paused then added, “And make sure the boy in my room is taken care of.”

Adelina nodded vigorously then turned back to her work as one servant dumped steaming water in the wrong pot. She stopped short, finally processing what Rogue had said. “Boy? What boy?”

But Rogue had already left the kitchen. He was suddenly in a state of fathomless boredom. His time was no longer occupied and for the rest of the night he was free. Unless the family suddenly needed him for something. But he doubted they would.

Rogue made his way back to the foyer, grabbed his hat and left the house with a swift wind under his feet. Summer was just ending and New York brought a cool autumn breeze to an otherwise dead cityscape. The Cheney mansion was a bit of a walk away from downtown but Rogue had nothing better to do. He swallowed the idle thoughts that plagued his mind like pond scum floating delicately on top of murky water. He was just bored, nothing more.

Yet still as Rogue continued down the long driveway and turned the corner at the front gates he found himself fighting one persistent thought. One thought that rang true in the small corners of his mind. A small truth that scuttled from the safety of the shadows for to come into the light was to be destroyed. Rogue was a monster, because he wasn’t sure he had ever felt anything at all.

Where Rogue found his feet taking him was further into town than he had planned. Halfway through the walk he stopped thinking and just floated. His soles carried him down the cracked pavement of the outskirts into the smooth cement of the old city. Without a purpose or a direction. He was drifting away from the world but his feet kept walking.

By the time his awareness floated back to him he realized he was walking close to Wall Street. His distaste for the more uppity business types didn’t sit well with him or anyone from his family. And the feeling was mutual. Legality was often ignored within the mafia family of New York. And Rogue knew of quite a few politicians and businessmen that would love to do away with the kind of filth they were so sure a mafia was.

He turned on his heel before he got too far. Turning around Rogue saw the night winding down and street lamps turning on. At this time of night the party goers were just starting to wander the streets. Flapper girls and young men barely out of their parents roofs took to the bars and restaurants.

Rogue despised the idea of interacting with anyone; but sometimes a crowded bar was the best place to be alone. No one cared what you did, what you drank or who you talked to. So he walked into the busiest bar he could see in sight.

The interior was dark, somehow darker than the night outside. It was still lit pleasantly every few feet with golden fluorescents that provided a calming atmosphere. Stirring so differently from the atmospheric light were the people in the bar. Some, who looked like they’d been there a long time, were already drunk and swaying on their seats. There was a jazz band on a stage to the right, and a throng of people dancing in their flowing dress outfits.

Rogue took a seat as far on the end of the bar as he could. He quickly ordered a shot of gin and a bourbon. The gin went down smoothly, too smoothly. The bourbon however took it’s time to burn as it slid down his esophagus. He had barely taken the rim of the cup from his mouth before another shot was slammed down in front of him.

Rogue looked over in distaste. A very smiley blonde was standing, one elbow on the counter and a twinkle in his blue eyes that mimicked the light of the bar. Rogue frowned at him. But the boy just kept on smiling.

Finally he leaned in closer, and said rather loudly to be heard over the din of the crowd, “Name’s Sting. You look like you need a drink.”

Italian:

Cappo - boss

Come ti chiami? - Whats your name?

Piccolo - little one, term of endearment

Soldato - soldier

Fratello/fratelli - brother/brothers

[livingcorner]

25 Amazing Steampunk Bathroom Ideas

Do you want to have your own steampunk bathroom as in an alternative world described by the books of Terry Pratchett and Jules Verne?

Do you think it’s possible? By the end of this article you would definitely be a master in steampunk decor and trends.

You're reading: 25 Amazing Steampunk Bathroom Ideas

What “steampunk” means?

Generally speaking, this is a sort of design that combines historical features with anachronistic technological elements inspired by science fiction.

Is steampunk design the same as industrial design?

In a way, yes, because they both bring an old-century vibe into the decor. However there are some differences between industrial and steampunk design.

The first one favors heavy factory elements, while the steampunk design is a bit more delicate and surreal.

What is a steampunk bathroom?

Steampunk bathroom is a mannish kind of bathroom that surely makes a solid statement.

The steampunk bathroom decor often embraces an industrial vibe and it is made of elements like copper pipes, brass, and other mechanical items to fuse a strong Victorian groove.

One more accent is steam valves and accessories that look like steam transportation system.

Is it expensive to have a steampunk bathroom?

Since some of the key features are the use of pipe and copper elements, it could be very expensive.

25 Steampunk Bathroom Ideas, Designs and Accessories

1. Copper Steampunk Shower

Steampunk Bathroom Design

Here is a stunning bathroom shower system made completely out of copper.

It combines contemporary chic with a spin of ancient design elements.

What we like most is the fact it builds a cheery interplay between human, water, and space.

Created by Andre Rothblatt

2. Majestic Steampunk Bathtub Idea

Take a look at this majestic steampunk tub made out of copper as well. Beautiful, isn’t it?

The solid wooden floor completes the historical vibe – one of the main components of the steampunk interior design.

The golden pipe embellishes the beauty of the copper bathtub, giving a relaxing and pure ambiance during the bath time.

3. Surreal Shower Curtain

Steampunk Shower Curtain

Displaying a conversational, fantasy shower curtain is a smart and affordable way to give a steampunk-styled makeover to your bathroom.

Plus, it is unique and you can’t see it in any bathroom space.

Check availability: Here

4. Steampunk Lighting Idea

Steampunk Bathroom Decor

Photo: Credit

The most remarkable element in this bathroom is the 3 lamps arising from the copper pipe.

The shadowy lighting surely creates a nuance of a romantic story.

Take a look at the pipes – even they look very old and that have been using for ages.

5. Cool Industrial Toilet Paper Holder

Read more: How to Use Any Kind of Bidet Properly — with Pictures

Steampunk Toilet Paper Holder

Creating a refinement of steampunk in your bathroom does not have to be so difficult and crazy expensive.

What do we mean? Even a single industrial-futuristic accessory will do in a pinch (take a look at the cool toilet paper holder on the picture above).

Check avaialbility: Here

6. Monstrous Steampunk Bathroom Vanity

Steampunk Sink and Vanity

Photo: Credit

What do you think about this custom-sculpted tile featuring a monstrous steampunk faucet and handles?

They are rusty and ornamented to complete the design in this truly unique and conversational bathroom.

7. Luxurious-Looking Steampunk Bathroom Mirror and Vanity

Remember, it’s not just the lightings that have an essential role in creating the atmosphere, but also the vanity and the mirror frame.

These ones on the picture above, for instance, add extra charm and artistic look to this bathroom that represents the interior design of Victorian style.

8. Industrial Shelving and Lighting Idea

The steampunk styled fixtures are a crucial aspect you should take care of if you want to give your bathroom a unique industrial makeover.

This shelves are made out of black pipe and reclaimed wood elements, and all set to give industrial appeal to your space.

9. Appealing Steampunk Ceiling Lighting

Steampunk Ceiling Light

This ceiling pendant light made out of an iron pipe is just ideal for creating a vintage industrial looking to any bathroom area.

Thanks to its size, this conversational piece of decor will definitely be the focal point in the room.

Check availability: Here

10. Exalted Sink Idea

If you can find some ancient pieces of furniture, why don’t you try to refurbish and repurpose them into majestic steampunk theme accessories like this beautiful sink made out of copper and marble?

Besides, new furniture doesn’t suit the steampunk very much.

11. Gaudy Industrial Bath Mat

We love this “Inside The Clocks” themed bath mat that could actually be displayed in any other room of the house.

It brings a strong industrial, masculine vibe and, moreover, it won’t cost much.

Check availability: Here

12. Steampunk Copper Pipes Shower

Photo: Credit

We wouldn’t dare to skip this sophisticated shower made out of copper pipes.

It is referring to steampunk style owing to its vintage industrial design.

The oversized shower head also looks adorable and rustically chic.

13. DIY Steampunk Bathtub Idea

Photo: Credit

Made out of an old naval mine, this DIY industrial style cool bathtub is surely a large source of influence of all steampunk enthusiasts.

Taking a bath in this rusty tub is absolutely going to flutter your day starting from the morning.

Plus, it will add unique vibe to your bathroom space.

14. Industrial Steampunk Light Switch

Photo: Credit

Speaking of steampunk bathroom fixtures, this DIY light switch may be component that would give the final touch to the your bathroom industrial makeover.

Calling out the whole bunch of skilled DIYer out there, new project just came!

15. Contemporary Steampunk Vanity

Here is an idea for a modernistic steampunk vanity, along with an oval mirror, that looks very airy and minimalistic.

The stumblingly finished walls heighten the appearance of the steampunk bathroom charmingly. And so do the shadowy lights.

16. Eye-Catching Steampunk Pedestal Sink

Blending technology with organic elements, this industrial pedestal sink smoothly combines the history with the present through its unique artistic design.

From the ancient boiler style body to the polished bowl with the open copper pipe faucet, this industrial sink embraces the definition of steampunk decor.

Check availability: Here

17. Artistic Steampunk Valves

Steampunk style has always been synonymous with mechanical fixtures and plumbing elements. 

In this line of thinking, these hose knobs in various sizes and shapes usually work as steampunk valves. They ideally fit the whole concept of industrial-inspired bathroom interior design.

18. Artsy Copper Steampunk Toothpaste Holder

Let me ask you – what would fit best a vintage wooden vanity? Answer: a DIY steampunk toothpaste entirely made out of copper.

It’s very practical and also it’s a great accent that embellishes the industrial vibe in your bathroom area.

19. Odd Shelves

Photo: Credit

Read more: 75 Beautiful Bathroom with Gray Tile Ideas & Designs – August 2021

The steampunk custom is apparently seen from the shelves made out of wood and metal pipes imitating the ones in the industrial area.

The mechanical elements and plumbing features makes it look like a steaming machine.

20. Steampunk Bathroom Faucet Idea

The unique copper faucet is certainly the focal point of this steampunk bathroom.

Even though some of you might think it’s too cold and masculine, we love the nice contrast between the glass sink, the painted wooden wall, and the copper material.

21. Repurposed Vintage Parfume Bottles

Steampunk Perfume Bottles

We love saying that the little elements matter most!

As proof, take a look at these old looking bottles with a vintage label – they look like something you’d spot on the dressing table of an 1800’s lady. Great addition to every steampunk vanity counter.

Check availability: Here

22. Originative Steampunk Bathroom Accessories Set

This 3-piece bathroom set is entirely handcrafted and one-of-a-kind.

It’s like an element of one of Terry Pratchett’s books.

The complete design of this set seems to be coming straight out of the mechanical industry. It will definitely add unparalleled charm to your Victorian-styled bathroom space.

Check availability: Here

23. DIY Steampunk Bathroom Toilet Seat

The idea of owning a steampunk toilet seat seems odd for some of you, however, it’s a great way to make a strong statement.

Simply use a basic wood toilet, and decorated it with metallic letters and cut off bold heads to make an original innovation meant only for a industrial bathroom. 

24. Steampunk Bathroom Nautical Design Idea

If you don’t want to add more steampunk accessories, it’s a good idea to think of painting the walls in different color than white.

You would agree with us that painting a steampunk style bathroom in blue gives a nice nautical touch.

It brightens up the entire space in a very delicate and complimentary way.

25. Steampunk Bathroom Mirror

Photo: Credit

This industrially themed mirror includes a wooden frame with brass pipework with scale, sprinkler, stopcock valve, and custom made water droplet LED lights.

Ideal choice for those of you who are in search of an cool industrial design.

Steampunk Materials You Could Use

There will be specific material that will arise throughout every component that forms a stylish steampunk bathroom.

As a matter of fact, the ones mentioned below are those which develop the steampunk design to your bathroom area. So take a look!

WOOD

Wood should always be a fundamental part of every steampunk bathroom fashion.

It can be present on the bathroom floor and shelves, for instance, in order to add some marine steampunk vibe. Or you can just display some wooden bathroom accessories.

If struggling to choose the color of the wood, focus on the dark mahagony, it would do a great job.

If you decide on a steampunk naval floor design, take into consideration that the room air flow must be accurately designed. If not, the steam will tend to spoil the dark wood planks on your floor.

In addition, you should be careful with the steampunk shower design. Even though the copper showers are simply great, they must be properly designed. Otherwise, you will find yourself wetting your floor on a daily basis.

COPPER

Copper is the other key material that will compose your custom made steampunk bathroom. The best part is that this material can be easily used to form every object that your bathroom needs, starting with showers, faucets, mirrors, sinks, towel racks, taps, and more.

The copper details will fit ideally the wooden elements in your bathroom. The principal idea behind this technical note is that you need to place as little as copper as its required to produce a top-notch steampunk environment.

Here is where there is a particular balance that comes into play. If you display a normal amount of elements made out of copper, then you will go down to a more Victorian style, which is totally stylish. However, if you place too much copper components, then it will be absurd. The lack of copper stuff, would go down towards a more contemporary industrial bathroom design

We would suggest to try out with just a couple of copper items and then ask your friends and family what do they think. Experiment in order to find the right amount of copper in your steampunk decorated bathroom (you will eventually get to that point, don’t worry.)

TIN AND BRONZE

Using tin and bronze components will surely embellish the steampunk vibe to your bathroom interior. Moreover, the tin amazingly interacts with the wooden material. Together, they create a great steam-themed atmosphere.

However, we believe the tin and bronze materials are best as an accessory. Tin’s layered color does not always give that Victorian looks from old centuries.

You can check a selection of tin bathtubs: Here

So, our advice is to use it in just a few accessories. They can be some decoration or piece of wall art as well. But do not overdo. Or other, you will be endangered to clouding your steampunk bathroom design.

Source: https://livingcorner.com.au Category: Bathroom

source https://livingcorner.com.au/25-amazing-steampunk-bathroom-ideas/

[ikonislife]

Always Mine.

- Hanbin x Reader (ft. Monsta X’s Shownu)

- Requested part 3 to Just Go and Please Stay 

- Angst, fluff 

-This is it folks, the last installment of this monstrosity. It only took me 7 months to finish (sorry guys, I lost inspiration for it somewhere in the middle) I’m glad to be able to finish it. Even though it’s not one of the more popular posts I have, I’ve invested a lot of time into the trilogy so I sincerely hope you all enjoy at least some part of this insane journey. Thank you for reading. As always, feedbacks are welcome.

- Despite being the one to initiate the break up, Hanbin finds himself lost without you. All the while, the return of your past life poses an imminent threat that Hanbin knows all too well might be the end of you and him forever.

Endless streams of clouds floating pass the small window of the private jet fast steading, tearing through the golden rosy sunset sky. Leaning back into the white leather seat, Hanbin nurses the second glass of whatever the hell it was he had grabbed out of the bar in the blur between boarding and stumbling to his seat. He couldn’t really care about anything but you at this moment what’s with the strange cryogenic state your relationship is in as you laid silently in the hospital alone. Whatever could take his throbbing mind off the obvious state of the stale relationship he had ruined will works, nothing seems to matter to him anymore. Watching the amber liquid swirling around the crystal clear pieces of ice, condensation rolling down the crystal glass, old memories flood his senses much more bitter than the taste of poison on his tongue. Against better judgement of the throbbing headache that screams for him to take rest, he let himself drown in the ghost of your memories.

It wasn’t too long after he was abled to call you girlfriend that you had gotten a big promotion at work. To commemorate the occasion and a small reward for your hard work, he took you on a surprise weekend getaway on his jet. The wonder filling your eyes, the cute random questions you’d ask, your curiosity, all if it delighted his excited heart.

“Wait babe, you mean all this time you took business trip, it’s this plane?” You stared around in awe of every tiniest details. Sure you had been in first class on trips with your own company so a bar on the plane isn’t anything new. However, he got a freaking chandelier, a damn chandelier in the stupid plane. If that doesn’t scream extravagant, you were sure you didn’t know what would. 

Your amazement found itself landing on the large leather couch, white just as the rest of the interior and no doubt as heavenly as the one in the living room of his more than spacious house. Hanbin had teasingly winked, whispering sultrily, hot breath fanning the shell of your ear, something about mile-high club and bed when you had stumbled pass it earlier while boarding. Too wrapped up in your own amazement of the overwhelming sight, you hadn’t paid much attention to his words until now. A giant burst of heat and steam erupted on your face the second your brain clicked onto what he had meant, your face redden, way worse than the reddening sky outside.

“Hmm, what’s wrong? I thought you knew?” He peered down at your half amused half impressed expression with just a hint of embarrassment. He caught your pouty lips in his, moulding them perfectly against each other.

“I don’t know.” You giggled hard at the slender fingers prodding at your side. “The thought you of waiting so so “patiently” in line through security, then to get on the plane, then through custom is kind of funny.” Your little air quote gesture pulled a hearty laugh from Hanbin, his eyes lighted up in delight just as it always did from your random little antic. “Now I know why you never minded long trips. You practically brought the comfort of home along with you.”

“Why? cause you think I can’t be patient? I’m offended.” His brows furrowed, his lips pursed in feigned anger but his eyes gave it all away - way too cute to be angry.

“Hey, you say that. Not me. Come on, babe. You were like fuming the other night when we had to wait in line for those donuts you called stupid then ate half the box in one sitting.” 

“Because it IS just some stupid donut. Why do I have to wait in line for that? I could have my chef makes better one for y-” His voice trailed off, expression immediately ceased up at your smugly smirk. Suddenly his words failed him as he scratched his head awkwardly, eyes stared longingly out the passing clouds avoiding your victorious giggle.

“Mmhmm… patient huh?” You flushed your body tight against his, fingers intertwining, seeking for warmth and security. Glancing back at the couch once again, you were sudden very aware of his every movement, from the way he’s rubbing up and down your arms to the soft breath steaming up the skin of your neck. Heat rushing, this burning all over your body as you struggled to keep the stableness in your lungs. “Hanbin, uh… you weren’t serious about the couch being a bed right?” You questioned, trying your best to keep your heart steady although you had an idea he knew you were far from calm from the way he stole that smirk right off your face. No doubts by now he had already felt the erratic drumming of your heart. The devilish mark of his playful side returned, replacing the puppy eyes and pouty lips as he knew once again, he was in full control.

“You’ll see…” He whispered simply before hoisting you up toward the piece of furniture in question. “Just to clarify, I can’t always have comfort of home at my disposal because this cute girl I call girlfriend always refuses to go on business trips with me.”

Everything was adorable in his eyes. You spent most of the rest of the flight staring out the window while snuggling up to his chest, forgotten completely about the objection of him wasting so much money celebrating something as lame as a promotion. You had always felt pale in comparison to your multimillionaire talented CEO boyfriend. What is a measly promotion in contrast with him holding a whole thriving empire under the tips of his fingers. What you didn’t know was his chest swell in pride for being able to love someone so determined, so hard working. Every little achievement, every tiny accomplishment would be a big deal in his eyes and he loves boasting about you any chance he gets.

Something about recalling the past had put a grumble in his stomach, Hanbin stands up stretching his legs before moving toward the small bar hoping for food. A slight upward curve of the lips still prominent on the worn out face sensing the sudden lift in the heaviness of the atmosphere from the sheer remembrance of you alone. He can’t wait to be back next to your side, to hold your hand, to recharge himself. Ultimately, he just wants to be there to ensure your safety once you’re awaken.

Bracing from the unexpected turbulent induced jerk, he sends paperwork that had been resting so peacefully on the small table flying through the air. A strange white envelope that resembles nothing of what could be work related catches his eyes as it lands with a force beyond impact of mere paper. His brows furrow in utter befuddlement before raising high from the way his eyes lit up in anticipation. Lily had given it to him before the trip along with a cryptic message bout urgent matter of the heart. Could it be that after all this time, you finally decided to break down his wall with the full force of your heart… He could only hope whatever lies in the carefully seal paper pouch would set his soul free. He had been waiting far too long for your frustration to settle and setting your feisty self ablaze, bursting into his office demanding a face to face. He knew it wasn’t a possibility but a boy could dream. 

His fingers hesitate, a soft smile blooming as he soak in the bends and curves spelling out his name. He wouldn’t mistake it anywhere. He spent hours obsessing over how neat your writing was compare to his. You had complained for the umpteenth time about the chicken scratch he actually expect his subordinate to decipher when he, out of frustration, challenged you to do better. Sitting back down, food pushed to the back of his mind, mess of paper neglected, his finger nimbly tear open the envelope with great care. 

“My dear Hanbin, I hope you’ve been well in my absent. You’ve always work way too hard and never bother with taking time for yourself. It worries me a great deal that I swear I lost 5 years off my lifespan. Now that I can no longer pester you to eat, promise me you’ll eat on time (and not junk food. You have personcal chefs, please put them to work). Please, find it in your heart to sleep once in awhile. I know, I know, the great vampire Hanbin knows no sleep but just try. It’s fun! Since I am no longer cluttering up all your time, it should free up a whole lotta time for these mundane activities that God-Hanbin deemed unworthy. You know, you have to assimilate to us normal folks at some point, don’t just sit in your great office all lonely. Eating, sleeping, going to yearly check up, have some fun, watch a movie, go shopping, meeting friends, hit up the club sometimes, all these things might seem small but they go a long way. Don’t worry, you look way too ethereal to be of this world, people will still know you’re heaven sent even if you do the things us normal folks do. Take a rest, the sun will rise and the world will still spin round tomorrow. Promise me you’ll do all of that so my heart can rest easy.”

Always with the praising and the subtle sarcasm, he chuckles at your seemingly delightful word despite nearly losing yourself pinning after someone as worthless as he is. Within the highs of laughter induced by your joke, a hidden sadness lurks in the shadows of the twists and turns of your written thoughts. It was almost as though you were writing final, farewell words. Words that will neatly wrap up the greatest chapter in his life, put a bow on the last bit of lingering hope in both yours and his eyes.

“I guess next comes the hard part now that the jokes are out of the way. I want to apologize for intruding back into your life when you had made it clear I was no longer welcome. You must understand, I was desperate to know of your wellbeing. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you’re hurting. It’s been a hell of a couple years with you in my life. I’m undeniably happier when you’re near and I hope you know that. You shined light in the darkest corner of my life, in ways I didn’t think was possible. You know, when I met you, not in a million year would I have thought you’d honor me by letting me share your life in such an intimate way. I would’ve choose to be with you million times over even if every single time I’d end up in heartbreaks. Don’t be sad, please. I know you wouldn’t hurt me if it wasn’t necessary because you’re a man of reason. Is it safe to say that you were at least in love with me when you made this decision? I also know you like to blame yourself for everything, even if it’s inevitable. I’m fine, love. I understand. Don’t blame yourself, don’t wallow in guilt, alright?”

The tear he had thought dried up from so many nights sulking in his own self loathe  burst out like a stream, soaking his Sahara liked soul, begins to meander its way down his pale cold skin stinging every bit, every cell. He couldn’t find the strength to continue but he must. He misses you too much to part way with the thought you had so wonderfully written down for him. He will adore this the way he had everything else you’ve done even if it’s excruciatingly painful. Maybe, just maybe somewhere in the heartfelt lines, you’ll help him move on too.

“You’ve inspired me to smile at adversities and face my problems head on. I used to take your wise words for granted but now that I can no longer confide in your vast wisdom, I suddenly find myself lost? I don’t know how I’ll make it through hardship without your encouragement and advices but perseverance is key right? 

Thank to you, I’m a better person. I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you. Thank you for one of the best chapter of my life. Thank you for letting me share a piece of history with someone as wonderful as you are. Thank you for loving me. I’m sorry for all the things I’ve said and all the things I should’ve said but didn’t. I wish you all the happiness in the world, happiness I couldn’t give you. I’m elated to see that you’ve found someone to entrust with your love once again. I must say she’s very exquisite. I hope she can make you feel like the only man in the world. I promise I’ll leave now so you can rebuild your life. Don’t worry about me. Hyunwoo had been taking excellent care of me and I thank you for bringing him back into my life. Promise me you’ll take care of yourself. Please, tell your parents I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodbye to them in person. I love them so much and thank you for allowing me to be part of the family even if it’s just for a little while. Tell your sister I’m sorry I can’t take her to Disneyland for her birthday. I’m sure you and your lady will be able to take care of that.

I won’t lie to you and say I’m not having a rough time. How could I not parting way from my heaven sent best friend and my everything. I will miss you so much. 

Please allow me to say this one last time. My wonderful Hanbin, I love you. I will always love you. I hope we can meet as friends as we once were in the future.”

Leaning back onto the chair that barely seems to be able to support his sadness, Hanbin sighs dejectedly, a bitter chuckle breaches the corner of his lips. You were back with Hyunwoo after all. All his fear had been realized.

He lost you.

A sudden anger arises at the mention of your new love, or rather true love. Where the hell was he that you’ve been suffering all this time, all alone. He was supposed to make sure you’re safe. He was supposed to make sure you’re happy. All the days Hanbin spent by your side in the hospital, not once did Hyunwoo show up. Rage flashes, spreading like a brush fire in dry season, Hanbin slam his fist onto the small table before tearing away for another drink, already going against your words of taking care of himself.

It had been a mere 12 hours since Hanbin arrived to his destination but the anxiety of being separate from you already begin to surface, itching and aching through every inch of his body. It itches but when he reached out to scratch it dissipates, radiating out like an internal burn. It was nowhere but everywhere at once. There was no particular source of it he could sooth, no visible marks, just intense discomfort all throughout. Perhaps this grief with Hyunwoo for not taking care of his girl, Hanbin’s girl, properly pushes him just a little bit further over the edge than usual.

Deals signed in record time, even his own assistants couldn’t believe the aggressiveness of thousand lions pouring out from their own boss.  He has no time to waste, no mind left to spare to entertain the pompous old man sitting across the table from him, all he wants now is to return home to the quietness of your hospital room, to the little niche he had made with you even if the imminent date of your awakening looms ahead like a great storm. He even finds himself missing the vexing beeps of your heart monitor. if he’s really honest, he had found solace in once again be able to listen to your heartbeat even if it wasn’t by pressing his face close to your chest while reveling in the pleasure of your soft hand carding through his jet black hair. 

Waiting impatiently in the rooftop cafe of his hotel, his foot taps to some random rhythm that seems to take the surface layer of the aching that resulted from missing you away, just a surface scratch. He gazes upon the spotless black sky dirtied with the city light, wishing hard to turn back time to that summer night spent making love to you under the stars. 

Oh what a summer that was. You had allowed him to take you to the furthest corner of your comfort zone, entrusting him wholeheartedly in all the crazy ventures he suggested even barely a few months into your young bud of a relationship. You both pushed your own limits to extents neither of you had before, physically and emotionally. You let him depended on your comforting embrace and cuddles like an abandoned puppy finally finding a permanent home to rest his weary mind, chipped away by a world he never truly belonged in. In return, he helps you get lost through his low grunts and your own moans of highs that only Hanbin could provide. He sighs out in satisfaction as his senses recall the ways you let him touched you, hold you. Ways that let him know you had given yourself fully to him, obeying his every word, drinking in every pass of his fingers. 

Perhaps the most memorable of all would be the hours laid under the bursting galaxy above that was so magnificent without getting stained by the city’s lights, bodies sticky with sweat, mind drunk amongst the depth of your post coital chat. Neither of you really minded that just bellow the thin cover, both your bodies were dirtied in the best way possible as he held you close to his chest. You spilled your heart and soul to which he reciprocated with everything he got, every secret he held, even the most intimate that had never taken a breath before that night. With each graze of your index along his soft skin, he felt himself sink further into this reality where only you and him exist. The money, being CEO, the pain of the past, none of those things matter when in this moment he had you safely by his side. 

God how he wishes to be able to call out to you just one more time. He just wants to hear the delight in your voice when you answer, the sparks in your eyes, the way your lips curve up without you even needing to command them to at his utterance of a simple “baby”. It’s such a simple wish. He’s not asking to be immortal or to be forever rich, he’s only asking for his baby girl back. Why couldn’t the universe just grant him this one simple wish. What good is all of his money and power for if he can’t even keep you safe and by his side. 

Just then, anguish in all the empty wishing upon millions of stars, he suddenly found another emotion coursing through his vein. An emotion so primal that perhaps he could argue it was born when man was created - anger.  Out of the corner of his eyes appear the source of all his unpleasantness, like a predator, with a growl, he pounces on his prey.

“Hanbin, What the fuc-”

Before the tall boy could say anything, Hanbin already had him by the collar. Dragging Hyunwoo toward the staircases, Hanbin ignores the fact that Hyunwoo has several inches over himself, that his body packing way more muscles, that if he really wanted to, Hyunwoo could put him down with one punch. He left behind a young woman, very pretty Hanbin had to admit, although nowhere near your beauty. Panic stricken on her previously content features, dainty hand covering her mouth in pure shock. Her other hand grasping onto Hyunwoo desperately, lips whispering his name like a prayer. With all his might, Hyunwoo yanks away pressing a soft kiss onto the sun kissed skin of her cheek before grinning as if to let her know it was okay. She nods in return, eyes near tearing at this point but she stepped back, letting go of the needy grasp on his arm. Hyunwoo once again let Hanbin drags him off to a secluded corner before feeling himself being slam against the wall.

“She’s dying in the hospital yet you’re oversea, flirting with some girl. I thought you were better than this Hyunwoo.” He rages, wishing he could pummel the shit out of the cheater. He gave up his whole life, whole world so you and Hyunwoo could have another shot at happiness. Yet here the bastard was, smiling, arm in arm with someone else. He wonders if the girl even knew the man she’s so affectionately snuggling up to has a girlfriend, immobile all alone in the hospital bed. Or maybe she just doesn’t care.

“What in the world are you saying, Hanbin. I don’t understand.” Baffles, all Hyunwoo could do is stammers in confusion. If it wasn’t for the hand he has against Hanbin’s chest pushing him away, Hyunwoo was sure he’d soon pass out from the constricting hands Hanbin has on the collar of his shirt.

“Don’t play dumb, asshole. I didn’t break up with her so you can treat her like shit. How could you hurt her like that.” Hanbin seethes at Hyunwoo’s apparent ignorant. No longer were blood coursing through his veins but rather boiling hot magma. Hanbin could feel every inch of his body going numb from the heat of rage and no one can stop him now.  

“HANBIN. how dare you.” Hyunwoo snarls back at the ridiculous accusation. He had remained un-bias up till this point. He could understand why Hanbin decided on such stupidity. It’s action of a fool so deep in love he has gone borderline irrational. The hidden rage was well masked by an unsettling calmness he didn’t even think he could keep up with.  After all, how could he not feel the slightest tinge of fury when he practically watched his best friend break down, reduced to a mere shell without a soul by an idiot that claimed to love her.

“I could ask you the same thing. You broke her heart and left her on the side of the road like yesterday news. I was there for her the past two months. Where the hell were you?” a strong prod from Hyunwoo’s finger found itself onto Hanbin’s chest, no doubt marking it with all the bitterness Hyunwoo felt watching you cried. “You think you’re a saint now that you “sacrifice” your relationship? Please, give me a break. I’m starting to think I made a mistake telling her to fight for you.” Hyunwoo shoves the angry man in front of him off , not even realizing how much strength he was exerting out of pure discomfort from having heard such preposterous things being said about himself. Nothing could make your usually calm and collect teddy bear happier now than landing a fist right across Hanbin’s face but he knew you wouldn’t like it so two months worth of pent up frustration went onto the wall behind Hanbin’s head instead. He had been siding with Hanbin for so long that he forgotten about the first reaction, the first emotion he had seeing you slumped over on your front door step that night. Pure white hot rage. “You shitty ass excuse for a boyfriend. Are you even a fucking man? You broke her heart but you couldn’t see her off properly? You couldn’t even take her home yourself? You had your assistant dragged her away like trash? Not even a goddamn proper explanation. Give me one reason right now to not kill you.” Hyunwoo had never been more glad for his grand stature than now as he hover over Hanbin with all the intimidation he could musters up.

Fist shaking in the air, Hanbin’s anger manifests itself before his senses overcome, dropping the would be punch out of confusion at the strange sentence. Letting his rival off, Hyunwoo backs away, brows furrow in an effort to decipher the expression on Hanbin’s face.

“Wait. What do you mean you told her to fight for me?”

“The girl was dying over missing you, dumbass. She kept questioning herself, saying that she wasn’t good enough. She thinks you were over her and uses me as an escape plan. Don’t make me regret all those night I spent convincing her that you still love her.” 

Dumbfounded, Hanbin crashes his weight onto the railing of the cold metal staircase. Both men stood there in silent, nothing but panting could be heard as they both try their best to collect themselves. Clearly, a big misunderstanding is afoot and neither of them are stupid enough to not realize so. Hyunwoo watches as Hanbin murmurs like a madman incoherent jumbles of “but she said” and “no, that’s not right” before he cuts him off, shaking his shoulders to snap him back to reality.

“Listen to me, she fucking wants you. Not me. We spent two months together, every single night. Every oversea trip I took, she was right there in the hotel room with nothing but thin air separating our bodies. Trust me when I say if there is something between us, it would’ve happen already.” Hyunwoo sighs. How could he not have seen this, it’s so you to pull some sort of stun like this. He leans back, shoulders resting against the cold wall feeling the exhaustion of the day pouring out. “I’ve moved on, Hanbin. That girl you’re accusing me of cheating on Y/n with, her name is Ella. She has been my personal assistant for the past 2 years, ever since I got promoted. She was the first person I had truly loved after Y/n but you know, moving on from someone like Y/n is a hell of a fucking feat.” He chuckles at the way your eyes sparks with delight when you realized the way Hyunwoo look at Ella, the same stare you felt all those years ago. He near had to throw you over his shoulders and run away when you had threaten to spill his secret after he failed to confess for the 3rd time.  “She has been helping me making a move on her for a good month now. They actually had became pretty good friends. I get so scare every time they hide in the corner and giggling about lord knows what. God know where I’d be if she hadn’t pep talked me the whole way through. Before I left, she schemed a plan for me and it worked. I’m with Ella, Hanbin. We’re official. I have a girlfriend and it’s not Y/n.” Hyunwoo’s visage finally soften at the sheer utter shock breaking upon Hanbin’s pale face like dawn over a new day.

“WHAT?! but the way you talked about her that one time we met. Even that first time we saw you…” Hanbin could remembers that night clear at day. He had always felt guilty for swooping in on your vulnerable state but that night, that night was the last crack in his iceberg of selfishness. Hyunwoo stood there, stoic and silent but behind those kind droopy eyes, Hanbin could see a man in pain. A man that just witness his could be wife walked off with another man. What he couldn’t predict was the fact that Hyunwoo had been struggling with moving on for so long that in a rush of relief and nostalgia, he suddenly found himself lost. Lost in the flurry of the past, in the pain, and in guilts. All 3 years worth of emotion suddenly flushed back mixing with the pain of leaving and the guilt of moving on. Hyunwoo cried tears of what, he didn’t even know. All he knew was his heart was finally light watching the genuine smile on your face as you stared into Hanbin’s eyes. He knew Hanbin is your endgame. 

“We spent 3 years together as a couple, there will always residual feelings, nostalgia. Nothing will ever take that away. She was once my whole life and I was hers. Do you really think we could ever get rid of such important people in our lives just with the ticks of time? We still love each other…” Hyunwoo mulls over the word carefully, watching the way Hanbin’s expression twists up in pain, elated that his words affect the poor boy greatly. Not in a menacing way, of course, just in a way to see if this man in front of him is really worth your time and love. If he ever had doubts about Hanbin’s love for you, this anguish emanating from the ghost pale boy upon hearing the sentence “we still love each other” would be enough to dispel it all. If he even has any doubt to begin with. “…just not in the way you think we do. You don’t even know how glad I was to know she has you. You treated her million time better than I could ever have, ever will. You need to get over this true love bullshit. We’re not five watching Disney movies anymore. Happily ever after is what you make with the person you love, the person that love you. It’s not some ultimate god given will, alright? I thought Y/n was my heaven sent piece of forever but look at where we are. Ella is my forever now and you’re Y/n’s. Don’t fuck it up. Hyunwoo stares at Hanbin with those soft understanding eyes although to outsider, the way he’s raking his rough hand through his perfectly made hair would say otherwise. “I couldn’t admit to myself that I’ve moved on. I couldn’t bring myself to accept that I love someone other than her but Y/n, she has her way of bringing closure to everything. Judging from your tormented state, she did it to you too, didn’t she?” 

“She wrote me a letter. Wishing me well and pretty much said you two got b-back together.” Even saying it now pains Hanbin. Sure he had seen you snuggled up to Hyunwoo back in the days of his secret one sided crush. He’d smile every time you pressed a gentle kiss on Hyunwoo’s cheek, hoping someday he’ll be lucky enough to meet someone that’s never ashamed of showing her love so publicly. Deep down, he knew he had already met that person, just at a very wrong time. He was disappointed of course but what could he have done. You’ve been with Hyunwoo for almost 3 years when you bulldozed him over onto the cold pavement. Sometimes he had wondered what would happened if that fateful day just 3 years earlier. Now, now that he had a taste of how wonderful, how gloriously addicting your love could be, just the thought of Hyunwoo comforting you burns every millimeter of his body.

“She’s lying. She’s been miserable as hell. What funny is she actually think she could hide it from me, puts up a happy front. I could give her temporary comfort but long term, it’s all you man.  Whatever it is you did that makes her think she has no chance of getting back with you. I don’t care what it is but if she lies, she did it so you’re not burden with the weight of knowing she’s hurting over missing you. I’ve been dropping her off at your work and picking her up for awhile now. I never thought she’d put herself in harm way like that. I’ve been oversea on a business trip for over a week now so I told her not to go by herself but she didn’t listen. Stubborn as a bull, that one is.” Hyunwoo’s words trail off at the thought of your steel liked mind and judging from the small chuckle falling off of Hanbin’s lips, he agrees.  “My other assistant told me she’s in the hospital. I was ready to fly back, dropped all my meeting actually, but I was informed she’s in very good hands.”

At this, Hyunwoo place a firm squeeze on Hanbin’s shoulder with a small understanding smile. Hanbin cards through his hair, blaming himself for being so stupid as to not see through your lies. It’s so you to pull a stunt like that. You had always put him before yourself.

“God… What the fuck is happening, man. I, I just don’t understand how she could pushed herself that far off the edge. If I hadn’t followed her that day…”

“But you did. And you caught her. Like always, you caught her when she needed you most. That’s what important. Look, I know the kind of person you are. You don’t do things without reason. And while I appreciate your concern for my love life, you really should’ve talk to both of us before sending her away like that. You know how she is, man. She’d rather sacrifice herself than have harm comes our ways. That’s her biggest flaw to be honest, she’s too kind to us shitty men.” Hanbin nods in agreement, sniffles grew loud in the relief the clear of all the storm clouds that had been plaguing his mind for much too long.

“I fucked up really bad, Hyunwoo. I don’t know if I can make things right. God, I wish I ran into you sooner.”

“Do right by her. Start over and beg for forgiveness. She been through enough, it’s time for her to be happy. We’ve both fucked up her life majorly. I missed my chance of making things right years ago but you still got plenty of time. I really want to thank you, for taking care of her after I left. I haven’t seen her so happy talking about anyone in such a long time.” He wasn’t lying. Hyunwoo knows better than to compare the love you have for Hanbin to the love you had for himself. Yet he still has to man up and admits that Hanbin is really your happiness from the way your eyes sparkles recalling all the good time.

“A fair warning. She’s not exactly herself lately so she will give you a hard time especially if she misunderstand your intention but persevere. Go to her, she needs you.” Using the line of text that Hanbin used to send Hyunwoo your way, Hyunwoo finally got his chance to repay your love and kindness by sending Hanbin back into your arms. Walking away with a deeper understanding of each other, Hanbin and Hyunwoo spent hours that night talking about the delights you brought to their lives. How someone so small could impacted their lives in such monumental ways. They talk well into the morning, all the way till Hanbin got the call he had been anticipating.

“Hanbin ah, she’s awake!” His mom excitingly exclaiming over and over again through the phone. Hanbin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. First Hyunwoo gave him the best course of action of his life and now you’re awake. He feels like he had just won the lottery 3 times over. Both men of your life broke down into tears at the wonderful news, overjoy that you were back in their lives once more. Hyunwoo parts way but not without a giant hug to which Hanbin more than welcome. 

“Alright, I better check on Ella. She got so freaked out when you dragged me off.” Hyunwoo lingers at the doorway, basking in light of the newly formed friendship.

“Tell her I’m so sorry and I’ll make it up to you both. You know, you better save me a seat at your wedding. The way you gushed about her for the past 4 hours, I can already hear wedding bells.” Hanbin jokes with a supporting slap to Hyunwoo’s broad shoulder. Elates in the way the older boys blushing so intensely at the thought.

“You know what, I better be freaking best man at yours and Y/n’s. I mean, I think I had a pretty big part in this future holy matrimony, don’t you think? At least godfather to your first born? Yes?” Hyunwoo retorts sassily, earning a big shove from Hanbin as he saunters off down the winding hallway.

“Yea, yea. Get back to your lady before she thinks I killed you. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight and good luck!” Both men wave each other off into their love ventures, hopeful that no matter the process, only happy endings await especially with the gain of a new friend in each other.

Awaken cold and alone, you summon all your strength into a futile attempt of sitting up only to come crashing down moments later. The loud thud stirs awake a sleepy Mrs. Kim slumping in the couch still hold the scent of her son whom spent nights wasting away to that rhythmic beeps. You grunt loudly, fingers move to yank away the constricting wire in a daze of confusion. Why were you attach to so many things, where the hell is this place. Your whimpers and whines grow loud as frustration settles in. Tears breaching the brim of your eyes, you nearly scream when a small gentle hand comes to caress your nappy locks.

“It’s okay… You’re safe. You’re safe.”

His mom repeats the small chant, each word eats at your nervous heart and unsettling mind until your hands drop away willingly, letting her soft dainty hand put everything back in place.

“Mrs. Kim? Wh- How?”

“None of that matter right now, okay? Rest and get healthy. My pretty daughter shouldn’t worry about anything right now. Focus on getting better.”

“I-” You couldn’t even get a single syllable out before the soft shushing of a concern mother hushes your anxiety back to sleep.

“Shh. Rest, I’m going to get the doctor okay?”

You nod, feeling the steel weight of your lids closing down on your vision… Whatever, however you get here will have to wait.

The second he landed, Hanbin mind tunneling in on the fastest route back to you. Knowing your heart, he can now confidently open his arms to embrace you back in his life. Nearly knocking over every person in the usually cold drab path that suddenly doesn’t seems so cold anymore. That stale yellow wall lining the way to his temporary home seems to be bursting with sunshine as he storms into your room with a loud bang of the door to only find it empty. Tottering toward the vacant bed, his lost eyes could still make out the hospital bag Lily and Jane had packed for you beside the nightstand. You’re definitely still here. The sun shining joyously matching his mood as he runs a hand over the bundled up blanket draping precariously over the edge, pulling it neatly back to where it should be. The sun’s rays dance upon the room, giving it a big burst of colorful joy to the usual quiet room. Set on his way to find you, his footsteps halt as the disheartening sight of a twinkle of gold caught his eyes. You were nowhere to be found but the necklace holding your ring left behind, lonely on the night stand.

Speeding back into the hallway, he clutches the ring close to his heart hoping you were just wandering around nearby. He suddenly finds himself smiling at the strange habit of yours, always wandering off the second he turns his back. He could still remember all the panic he had the first few months of being with you when one second you were clinging onto his hand, the next disappeared into thin air. Growing up as the heir to a big enterprise, he had always been taught to be cautious, to be aware so needless to say the carefree spirit you possess to think it was completely normal to jog down the street to pet a dog without a care in the world isn’t something he was used to. He’d always get worried sick but never angry with you, just sigh in relief the second he spotted your figure hovering over someone’s dog or staring into a cafe to check the menu.

A few minutes of frantically searching, his eyes soften at the familiar back and tousles of messy hair in the distance soaking in the warmth of the sun. Steps slowed down, he carefully approaches, mulling over his opening line with great care because honestly, this could be the happiest day of his life or the day where he loses you all over again. Sitting down onto the next seat, he couldn’t help but fidget with a strange sense of, of something so familiar yet he couldn’t figure out what.  The way your features glow in the light takes his breath away, so much so that the souring taste of acid reflux from being so uncomfortable to think that he needs to brainstorm before talking to you was being wash away completely. Since when did he ever needs a filter to talk to you, the one person that will accept all his words no matter how silly or how philosophically profound they might be. Oh, that’s right, since the day he threw you away like trash but right now, right now he can’t take his eyes off of you even if you’re just wearing the simple hospital gown. As if he had seen an angel, he forgets about the entire world, lost in the familiarity of your features. Smiling like an idiot, the flutters of your eyelashes with each blink mesmerize him into a trance. How cute are the rosy pink cheeks, bitten by the cold. The way you purse your lips entrap him, leaving him wondering what you were thinking about. After spending so long staring at you sleep, he’s overjoy even with just watching you space out.

“I tried to leave, but they said without your permission they can’t give me the release form…”

You speak up so unexpectedly, startles the lovesick boy out of his reverie. Catching himself drooling over you, he clears his throat before humming out a quiet answer.

“hmm, they informed me of your transfer request.”

“They won’t even let me do that… unless I can pay for the fee in full amount. I didn’t think you were this kind of person, Hanbin.” Your voice firm, unwavering yet your mind a mess from forcing yourself to speak so coldly to the man you love, the man that’s having your heart hammering so hard he probably already figured you out by now. Finally facing his way, the aloofness so prominent on your face scares him. He was so ecstatic, delirious with joy that he had forgotten about Hyunwoo’s warning of just how you might react even if you still love him. Needless to say the cold in your voice shocks him to bits.

“Using money to keep me hostage. You know damn well I can’t pay the fee. Why’d you even bring me to this fancy ass place for? just leave me in one of those cheap clinic.” You press on but wary of the surrounding, scare of making a scene of who might be listening in. The last thing you want is for Hanbin’s image to be tarnish because you cause a scene out of fake spite for him.

“Don’t you dare say that. You deserve the best treatment in the world. You have all my asset at your disposal. Wha-Why would you say such a thing.” He blurts out, stuns, incredulous at your ridiculous statement, almost even a bit angry that you’d think he’d abandon you so carelessly. How could you possibly think so poisonously when his intention is purely because he’s care. He had began to reach out for your tear stained rosy cheek when your glare made him understood his touch was no longer welcome. Sadden, he cowers back in his seat and his hand painfully returns to his lap.

“What do you care…” He flinches once again at how flat and cold your voice had become. Where was that sweet like honey voice he loves so much. Where were those fresh, crisp laugh that reminds him of a spring morning. Who is this person so disdainful sitting in front of him, criticizing all his action that he had done out of nothing but pure love. His mind spins so fast Hanbin was getting dizzy from adjusting to this new you that he wasn’t sure he wants to get use to.

“I care a lot. I care because I love you. You’re mi- uhm, you were mine, you were my baby. You’re still my friend. We were friends even before we were together for god’s sake. Why wouldn’t I care?” Addressing you in past tense is something Hanbin never got used to. In fact, he resists with all his might to get used to it. He was still referring to you as his girlfriend even well into the 3rd week of the break up. Every now and then he’d temporary forget, letting himself get lost in this carefree pocket of life and calling out your name only to have it echoed dejectedly around an empty house.

“Love” you scoff at the ridiculous sentiment. “Bit late for that, don’t you think?” Before he could say anything else, the gentle voice of your attending nurse cuts off his torture.

“Miss Y/n, let’s go get your lungs check up.”

With a small smile, you roll your IV pole away, leaving him stammering like an idiot at your pure coldness. Having rushed home so quickly, he barely had anytime to anticipate how you would react. He knew it was wrong to use the hospital authority, to use money to force your hand but he was so scared. Scared that you would leave the second you wake up. Scared that you would scurried back into the night, leaving him lost. After all, Hyunwoo had just told him the night before you were planning on moving away, out of his reach. He knows once you’re out of that apartment, he has no tie to your life, no way of reaching out to you. You’d be lost forever in the universe.

Following the gentle-voiced nurse, you swing your head slightly back at his direction, stealing a few glances of the handsome boy you’ve been dying receive affection from. Indisputably glowing under the soft winter sun even in simple black sweatpants, t-shirt, and the leather jacket that, tho he rarely wears it, used to drive you absolutely bonkers when he did. Elbows resting on his knees, he buries his face deep within the palms, fingertips rubbing gently at his hairline, you couldn’t help but feel a twinge of pain spreading through your chest and it wasn’t because of your illness. You secretly wish you would just stay sick a bit longer, that way you can keep him for yourself just for a bit more. You bit your lips to force the regret of not falling into his arms threatening to vomit out of your heart back in. 

Waiting patiently in the small armchair beside your bed, he couldn’t help but feel his heart clenches at the image of the ring laying carelessly on the night stand. Never once did he sees you without it until that night he so ruthlessly slipped it off your finger despite your protest. In a way, Hanbin knows he deserve all of this but he couldn’t help but pray to all the Gods that you’d be the kind hearted girlfriend he loves. Staring at his own worn out ring on his finger, the thought of the two rings that should be occupy your finger remain ownerless plague his mind like the worst kind of storm. Spinning it around his finger, his mind races against time, steaming to figure out how he could get you to talk to him. The sudden sound of the metal lock shock him out of his own thought, leaving him smiling at your emerging self.

“You’re back!” A bright smile greets you first thing through the door and you could feel your icy heart melting.

“Yea, like I can go anywhere else.” Although feeling like an ass, you needed to do it for yourself. He has someone new, giving into his affection would just mess you up further when he leaves.

“What did the doctor say. How’s your lungs?” anxious vexes on his face, stomach stirring at the thought that you’re unwell then at the though that you were leaving him soon if you’re well.

“Uhm, no fluid so it’s good.” an awkward smile creeps onto your lips and you just feel strange. You were so used to just crashing into his arm coming back from doctor appointment and he’d just welcome you with no question ask. He knew how much you hated doctor, hated hospital and if him just holding you could replace all the discomfort stem from it then hold your for days he will. He’d waste a whole day just snuggling up close to his chest whenever you were sick. Although according to Hanbin, it’s not wasted if it’s something done out of love. You need that so bad right now but it’s as though there’s a big invisible wall in between you both.

“Tha-that’s good! That’s really good, you can leave soon then.”

If you didn’t know any better, you could swear he sounds disappointed? Must be a trick your lonely heart played, how could he be disappointed, after hall he pushed you away and got himself a new woman. 

Although the good news relieves all his pain, all his worries, he couldn’t help but face the reality of what will come next. Once you’re out of the hospital, would you still let him stay by your side? Cater to your needs?

“Yea… I guess” you do know better and your answer is definitely laced with disappointment. As you clamber into bed, he holds your arm, fluff your pillows, set up the TV remote so it was within range of your hold. Shyly, he pulls the cover over your body, helping you lay down. Each touch of his fingertips sear into your heart. You could feel it beating again with the force of a volcano ready to explode. Privately in  your heart, you let your soul basks in the warmth that shames even the sun’s playful rays emanating from the caring man. You could see the bite on his lower lip, the way he leans up just a smidgen aiming for your forehead but that kiss never came. Instead, He retreats back to his favorite couch pulling out stacks of paper and once again, your hospital room turns into his office.

Eyes on the TV screen, you couldn’t help but peek over every other minute to look at the gorgeous face under the pair of tortoise colored glasses. You had always have a thing for Hanbin and glasses, always wondering what kind of student he was in college, whether he would’ve give you any of his time. Now and then, you would catch him peeking over, using whatever documents he’s holding to appear as inconspicuous as possible, smiling softly at your resting form and giggle at the thought that he thinks he’s slick. Every so often, you would have a cough attack and immediately, Hanbin would be right by your side, offering water, rubbing circle on your back while his wincing face tells you he much he wishes to replace your spot in the hospital bed. If you’re being really honest, you’re drinking up all his attention like a crack on the desert floor after a big rain storm. You couldn’t help but fake cough just to get him close without giving into his attentiveness that’s no doubt chipping at your heart.

By the day end, he had forgotten that it was awkward for him to touch you, to pet your head occasionally while pacing the floor on his phone, taking care of company’s business. Embolden  by your lack of refusal, he even slips his index under your chin grazing it affectionately as he used to whenever he thinks that you did something cute. Before you could react, he had already sauntered away, rambling about one thing or another to the person over the phone. Truthfully, you couldn’t be loving the small contacts any more than now knowing maybe after this hospital stay is over so will his affection.

For most part he left you alone, fearing any action, even meaningless one would push you away. He already feels so blessed to be able to work in the same room with you without being smite by your spiteful words, to just being able to watch you from afar. He should be used to this as he had watched you for so long before he got to call you his girlfriend but in reality, it’s so hard now that he had a taste of what life really is like being your everything.

Time seems to past painstakingly slow when the only person able to distract you from the cough and the boredom on staring at the same four walls is the same person your pride won’t allow you to be friend with. Staring at your dashing roommate, you wish things were the way it was. Instead of distancing himself on the lonely couch, he’d be tuck into bed right by your side. He’d shower you with kisses the second your eyes open, petting your hair, holding your hands. Instead, all you get now is a few glances he’d steal whenever he thinks you’re not paying attention. Being Hanbin’s girlfriend was easy. He’s attentive when it comes to catering to whatever your desire be. If you wanted hug, he could be working on super important document and still let you cling onto his back. Now, even though your body uneasy, feeling like there’s electricity running through every vein, itching for his touch, you can’t even ask for it. You wish he’d just go to sleep but knowing him, sleep time would be closer to sunrise than sunset. Sighing loudly, you return your gaze to the mindless show on TV.  

Luck seems to be on your side tonight as not even 5 minutes past midnight, Hanbin weary self had slumped over on the couch, snoring away softly. Waiting another half hour to be safe, you softly creep off your bed and silently make your way to him. The way his eyes twitches, lips slightly part, arm drapes across his forehead, hand holding onto his glasses precariously, everything about him was still so perfect. Allowing yourself to get lost in the past, your fingers reach out hesitantly to trace his nose ridge down to his jawline. You lost count of how many times he’d get so hyped up to watch a movie but always ended up slumbering through most of it out of sheer exhaustion from work with his head on your lap. You’d always just watched the gentle rise and fall of his chest while letting your fingers tangled in his soft locks. He loved the small little shivers you sent through his body from just something as simple as petting his hair.

Moving further down, your hand rest easy flat upon his chest, soaking in his beating heart. A small tear trail down your cheek as you timidly press a small kiss onto his stilled lips, wishing he’d wake up and kiss you back. You carefully peel his fingers away from his glasses and the stack of paper still tightly clung, settling them down onto the desk. Pulling a spare blanket from the closet, you encase his body into the soft material before allowing yourself to steal another kiss, on his forehead this time. A soft moan tear you away from your day dream, sending your body scurrying back to the large bed to avoid confrontation in case he wakes up.

The loud clank of the remote hitting the floor shocks Hanbin out of his work trance. Glancing up, he chuckles at your attempt to fish the remote without getting out of bed. Currently draping yourself, half hanging off the bed, you sigh out a frustrated “ayyye” before your prince once again, abandon work just to entertain your little needs.

“Hmm… sorry…” You whisper timidly, finger quick to push a messy strand of hair behind your ear to peek at your loving prince. You were blushing so intensely when he flashes his dimple that you wonder if he had just figured out you’re only putting on a tough front with him. Judging from the way his hand purposely brushing against yours while placing the remote back in your hand, you would say that option weren’t too far-fetch. God, the way his smile lingers a bit too long on his lips reduces you to a melting puddle of mess. You’d be giggling like a school girl too if it had not been for the battle against yourself to put up a tough exterior, a battle that you can feel you’re slowly losing grip on.

“Was I too loud? I’ll move all my work stuff back to my office tomorrow morning. I know you need rest, it’s getting pretty late too.”

You sit silently for a minute, staring at those loving brown eyes. You wish for nothing more but for him to stay close by but that would be too selfish. He has someone new and you were just pulling him back into some confuse crazy whirlwind. Why couldn’t you just be strong, yell at him or get angry. That way he could just walk away without feeling guilty. Sensing that everything is less than okay, Hanbin backs away slowly, retreating to his couch before cleaning everything up in a flurry. His heart aches. He had thought you were finally begin to seek comfort with him once again but looks like he gave himself false hope. Sniffling quietly, he chuckles out of the amusement of how easily he thought you’d let him back into your life. After the stunt he had pulled, did he really expect for you to welcome him back with open arms? He questions himself, nearing the brink of tear but he silences himself. Little did he knows, all his movement scrutinize to the extreme with a fine toothed comb by your eyes.

If he had moved on, why does it looks like he’s less than thrill to leave?

Lord knows what comes over you the next second but whatever it was, it lifts Hanbin’s hope greatly.

“Stay…” You speak up softly, biting your lips, mulling over whether this really was the right thing to do. “…If you want. It does get lonely here by myself.”

“You sure?” He asks and immediately regretting giving you an option to back out of the offer.

“Yea. Stay! It’s kinda too quiet in the morning when you leave for work… I could use the company.” You speak again, more confident this time as he moves closer to your side. A soft smile plays across his lips before he did something so unexpected it hurts even more than your aching lungs. He kisses you and you couldn’t bring yourself to reject the act of love you’ve craved for so long. You had always loved being kiss by Hanbin. He leans into it so delicately it almost felt unreal. Your quivering lips stay still, mulling over the taste of his lips, horrify at how foreign everything feels. Fear runs deep through your spine, how could his kiss feels so strangely distant already after only a mere few months. By no mean it was foreign because of the taste, or how they feel moulding against yours. It wasn’t the fact that he’s so awkwardly stilled instead of grabbing at any part of your body he could nor was he deepening the kiss as he should. It was the fact that the kiss wasn’t the same happy ones you two shared countless times through out your wonderful time together, the one you’d ask for without any reason and he’d give you without questioning. A shiver shoots through every cell of your body at the thought of how far away he’d be after a year. 

Although brave enough to finally take his chance, he could barely move fearing you’d refuse him at the slightest movement. He stands there with his arms awkwardly hang loose on his sides, back aching from the strange angle he had found himself bending over to be close to you yet he’d die before he breaks contact with your lips, his drug. Unexpectedly, your lips part way allowing his wavering nerve to push his lower lips in between your cracked ones, a soft satisfying moan fills the room. If he has to tally up all his luck, he’d say today would be the luckiest day of his life as your hand reluctantly reaches out to grasp onto his shirt, balling it up in your closed fist. Taking his chance, he edges himself onto your bed, newfound conviction coursing through his veins. You let your hand wanders onto his chest, caressing the body you had missed terribly to hold for the last few months. Even with his tongue plunging deep within your mouth now, his hands still unsure of where they’d be allow so he decided to simply rest it on your thighs. Sensing his hesitation, you trail your fingers up across his collar bones, wrapping firmly at the nape of his neck before pushing deep into his hair gratifying all his senses just the way he had been missing. 

“Hanbin…”

You whisper so quietly that he was scared he heard you wrong but all his doubt thrown out the window the moment he feels your chest pressing closer to his, desperate to deepen the connection. Breaking away for a second just to get a good look at the face of his love, he grins satisfyingly at your blown out pupils and how your face looks so blissful it almost resembles the mess he used to left you after a long session of love making. He basks in the pride of still being able to captivate you with just his lips even after all this time. His hands rest easy on your hips, pulling you squarely onto his lap without much resistant.

“Hmm, baby… I miss you.”

He sighs onto your lips, taking his chance before you snap out of whatever high you’re on that let him kiss you in the first place. Humming in reply, you have your arms around his torso now, tighten behind his back as he cups your cheeks with both hands. He pulls you closer, as if that was even possible at this point and you acquiesce in his action, nudging your body against his. You could feel all the tension in your heartstrings loosen. One hand slowly trailing along the curve of your spine, Hanbin somehow manages to raise all your hair on its ends as he twist and turn, attempting to exploit every bit of your vulnerability. He knows it’s wrong to take advantage of your confused heart but he couldn’t care. He was far too desperate to stop and your lack of refusal only embolden his venture.

“I miss you too…” 

Once again you were Hanbin’s girl. You feel his love permeates from his heart through the kiss and you only see him. You were ready to let go, to let him have his way with you, to be love one more time.

Just when everything begins to feel right, the ugly thought of the angel liked girl giggling her way into your brain forcing your eyes open. He was still deep, lost within your kiss with his eyes shut tightly, a few tears dotting his long lashes. You push him off with all your might, sending yourself tumbling backward on to the bed. He sits there in shock, in pain, mouth gapes wide open for anyone to see before he could even realize what was happening, his hands already reaching out to encase you in his embrace once more. To his dismay, you reject it with all your strength. He couldn’t believe it. His happiness is being rip away once again and he can’t do anything to stop it. It was inevitable, he knows that much but he wishes it wasn’t so soon.

“No. No. How could you?” You exasperate, tears welling up.

“Baby… Please don’t be like this. I know I messed up” His trepidation grows at your painful expression. Had he gone too far? His heart felt like it was the right thing to do. You kissed him back but what went wrong? His hands reach out for you but painfully you flinch backward instead.

“Messed up?” You groan with disgust.  “Hanbin you dumped me, in case you forgot. There’s nothing between us anymore. I really think you should stop calling me that… wouldn’t your girl mind? If she doesn’t then I’m pretty sure she would mind that kiss. Goddamn it, Hanbin, I don’t want to be the bad guy here.” You whine. The thought of hurting another person like an arrow through your heart. How would she feels if she had found out he spent the last three days camped in his ex’s hospital room. The pain she’ll go through would be unbearable when she finds out you made out with her man. Her man. Even thinking about that hurts.

“Babe… please don’t think about me like that. I’m loyal to only you, that girl you saw, she’s just a friend. We’ve been friend for awhile and she was visiting from Europe. I haven’t seen her since before we got together. We were just on our way to dinner and, and I didn’t want her to see me so miserable so I pretended. I’ve read your letter. You misunderstood, baby. Please.”

“The way you held her…” You croak painfully, shutting your eyes so forcefully tears spilling over from the thought of his arm around her shoulder warmed from his jacket.

“Is nothing compare to the way I used to hold you, still want to hold you. Baby, out of everyone you should know that the best.”

Frustrated at the thought that you would think he’d betray you in such way so shortly after the breakup, he walks off toward the window, stopping short of just jumping out of it to hide away. Discontent taut on his forehead as his brows furrow. He just couldn’t believe you’d think of him in such a light. Sure he expects you to hate him, to slap or kick him in the nuts but to accuse him of being unfaithful is something that he can’t accept.

Full of regret, you hide away in the safety of your blanket. You were careless. So careless that you hadn’t even consider the possibility he has his own version of Hyunwoo. Not once did he gets angry with you for spending time with your ex yet here you laid, accusing the man that had given you everything, getting jealous that he was happy without you. 

Even though it hurts, he knows ultimately this was all his doing. He has no right to be mad, to be annoyed at your discord with his action but he can’t help it. To him, you were never truly gone. At the same time he understands as he not even a week ago picked a fight with your gentle bear best friend out of frustration, of misunderstanding, but also very much out of jealousy. 

“Baby… look at me, please. I love you, so so much. I know I don’t deserve you after the way I shunned you off. You have every right to be mad at me, hate me. But please, don’t think I would ever betray your love. What about that kiss that one night…Doesn’t that mean anything?”

“What? I- But you were sleeping. You can’t- No how is it possible?”

“I learned to be alert even in my sleep after the first night spending here watching you. I had to be aware, to be here when you wake up so i changed my sleep habit I guess. The thought of you waking up in confusion laying in a strange room, a hospital room at that… I couldn’t let that happen.”

His heart aches at your shivering form under the blanket. The way your body curls up so small as if you wish you could just disappear from the room.

“It doesn’t matter, Hanbin. We’ve broken up… you’re free…free to do whatever you please, whoever you please. Don’t think you need to explain yourself to me.”

“No, we… we. I don’t want us to end. I never wanted us to end. God what I would give to take all your pain away.”

“But you can’t. We all have things we want but life doesn’t work that way. You’re finally happy again, take it, hold it close and don’t let go.” your words feeble through your tear and the weakness of your own heart.

“Happy? You think I’m happy without you? God, baby. I’m miserable. I’m insufferable to everyone around me. The happiest thing that happened to me the past two months was seeing you wait so patiently for me everyday like the good girl you are even when you know I won’t talk to you. Do you even know what that does to me? I’ve watch and re-watched the security footage of you sitting at that bench so many time i’ve lost track. When you’re not there, i’d go and sit where you would sit, imagining your body, soaking in your present. I wanted to die without you.” He vexes hoping to convey how painful it was to watch you but couldn’t touch you, knowing that you were waiting but he can’t relent to his temptation of meeting you.

You sit up with such force you could feel the whiplash liked creak in your neck. Blanket flings off in a flurry of anger, you roughly shove your hand through your hair, nearly ripping off every strand.

“Then why the fuck did you left me huh? Out of all those days, all you had to do was smile at me but GOD. The first time I saw you smile in months, it wasn’t for me, it wasn’t because of me. It was her. All you had to do was hug me, Hanbin and I would’ve given you everything. But instead you left me there, in the cold.” Your words choke in your throat as if warning you to stop before it’s too late, before they leaves you wallow in regret from pushing the love of your life too far. “ Why am I even here, huh? All those days I was crying on my own, all I wanted was a simple hug, something to acknowledge my presence but I couldn’t even get that. You know how ridiculous that feel, Hanbin? Here’s a guy that claimed he loves me with all his life, with all his might but I was shivering in the cold on my own, he couldn’t so much as spare me a glance but oh no, it’s wrong for me to assume he had moved on.” You huff in exhaustion, damn all the coughing, damn this illness, damn it all as you clutch your chest from the short heaves of your lungs that barely provide enough oxygen. “ What? You think because you sent a replacement that you’re instantly clear of all charges? How dare you, Kim Hanbin. Playing God with my life like I’m some rag doll for you to mess with. Son Hyunwoo is someone precious to me. How dare you roped him into this sick game of yours. Shoving him my way like some secondhand incentive. He is not a thing for you to mess with. He’s dear to my heart no matter how my relationship had ended with him. I thought you were brave but no. You’re just a damn coward that uses everyone. You were sick of me so you throw me aside, claiming Hyunwoo still loves me. That you, sir, somehow knows my heart better than myself. I did get confuse for a bit… Maybe there’s some truth to your words. Maybe you do know me so I doubted myself. Disgustingly felt sorry that I put you through such a tough situation.  How dare you mess with someone’s heart like that. I hate you, Hanbin.”

Your rage boils superficially like a volcano, threatening to explode any second. You no longer care how much tear or snot stream out of your face as your glare at him with the utmost poisonous of eyes. Horror shields those loving eyes of his away from you as he bit his lips shut. He blames himself every second of every day for putting you in that hospital bed. No word could describe the staggering heartbreak he felt seeing you so lifeless, silent amongst the beeping of the machines. He couldn’t believe his ears, his brain can’t for the life of it register the word “hate” coming out of your mouth with such force. Sure you had jokingly said it before but now, now you really do mean it.

“Love me…” You scoff, a mirthless grin flashes on your face and honestly it scares Hanbin. Never once did he knows of such an dark, almost evil look to take root in your features. No, to him you’re not capable of doing any harm, of being mean. This, this has to be the result of the mess he started. It pains him to see bitterness oozes from your every pore knowing it’s all because of him. From the moment he had laid eyes on you, he wishes for nothing more but to protect the sunshine and innocent you possess that’s so different from the rest of his cold and calculated world. Alas, he had lost that battle. “You know, when the light inside a lighthouse break, the keeper would change the lightbulb, tweaks the setting, not replacing the light house. You… You damn went and destroy the whole thing. This, this so called light house, beacon of ‘love’ that you said I had built for you brick by brick. Gone. And you! You’re the one that torn it all down.”

He knew this would happen but no preparation in this world could be enough for this moment. You rip all his breaths, all his words, all his thought away with that agonizing tinge contorting your face into a frown. You were looking at him now, just like he wanted but that heartbreaking sight of your tear make him feels like a helpless little boy standing on the shore being crush by the unimaginable force of an oncoming wave. Clutching his chest, once again like a coward, he runs away in tear leaving you stunned with the loud slam of the door.

“Shit, what did I do.” You sat there helpless watching his back turning away, leaving you to fend for yourself once again. You’ve done it. You’ve finally push him out of your life permanently.

Muttering a soft “No”, you want nothing more but for him to come back, to kiss you again. Like a fool, you lost your chance just because you’re an angry bitter person. Why couldn’t you just hold off on being selfish for one second and just say you love him. Reality come crashing down as the rhythmic beeps of the machine returns with dead air as its companion and the dust of fury had settled. You shed tears now not of frustration but of self pity. You had the best man in the world pinning after you but what did you do? You push him away. Uncontrollable sob and screams pulsate from your lungs and you couldn’t care less who hear. It’s none of their business anyhow.

“It’s okay, Y/n… it’s okay.”

A good minute past before you could register the heat leaking into your pale cold skin and the soft, gentle voice lulling you back down from your high. Your eyes flutter open to find your head resting on Hyunwoo’s strong shoulder as his fingers softly comb through your hair.

“It’s okay, babe. You got it out. You got your anger out. Let it go, don’t hold it back.”

“I messed up, Hyunwoo. H-He…fuck. Hanbin’s not coming back… He told me she was just someone he trusts and I still accused him of moving on. He has every right to move on, Hyunwoo. I…” You yank vexingly at the endless wires and the loose collar of your hospital shirt that suddenly feel all too constricting. “I gotta go find him…” Hyunwoo tighten his hold on your shivering body, soaking away the frustration that’s wrecking your every fibre. It’s useless to even fight the grasp of your gentle bear as he soothes away all your aching with every pass of his hand over your back.

“He will. Trust me. He will but you gotta meet him halfway, babe. You can’t push him away like that. I know he messed up but get over your pride. You want him back. He loves you unconditionally, he won’t look down on you or laugh at you. Just show him you need him. The boy is ready to give you the whole galaxy if you ask for it. The least you could do is give him a chance. If not for him, for yourself. Like you said, you deserve to be happy.”

“I wanted to…” Your eyes falter to the spot he once sat so patiently typing away on his laptop. You heart aches for the sight of him taking a peek at you with a soft smile on his face. He had always looked at you like you’re the only girl in the world but in your tormented twisted mind, you couldn’t see that… Why couldn’t you just see that.

“Look, I’m not taking his side. I’d beat the shit out of him if I could but I know that only hurts you so I’ll just be honest. You think the last two months had been hard on you and I agree. No one should ever feel this pain but let me tell you the side you don’t know. He’s hurting a lot more than you think he is. When we broke up, you had Hanbin constantly catering to your needs…” The slight pause in his comforting tone has your heart twisting up in guilt. For the first time since having your life line reconnected, you really look at Hyunwoo as you did all those years ago. The pain of first love still linger beneath the calm facade and that sad smile of his. Those kind eyes were still the same but perhaps a bit more worn. Those lips, that smile, everything were still so familiar yet so different. You’ve been so selfish with playing the victim that you really had forgotten the other half of this world of pain. You had forgotten to listen. “I was alone, dealing with losing you all on my own and let me tell you this, hurt isn’t even just a word anymore. It’s my being, my breath, my mind, everything hurt. It felt so bad that I was in constant shock over what had happened and honestly, I can’t tell you how many time I got close to dropping everything and running back to you. It’s unfathomable, Y/n, the kind of pain that I felt, Hanbin still feeling, knowing we did this to you. I couldn’t eat, sleep. I secluded myself. Every time I was beginning to feel happy again, guilt, guilt just override everything. The moment I found someone else, I couldn’t help but just think of how miserable you must be. Do you know what kind of relief I got when I saw you clutching onto Hanbin’s arm when I ran into you two on your 2nd anniversary? It’s like torrential downpour on my cracked dry, drought heart. Like the biggest weight got lifted off my chest and I could breathe again knowing you were happy with someone else. For once in my life I could be happy without feeling guilty.”

“I’m sorry…” The one thing that you will never forgive yourself was that you let Hyunwoo dealt with the heartache all on his own. Nights after nights you’d laid awake in bed, imagining what kind of horrifying pain he must’ve felt being in a foreign country all alone dealing with a break up but at the end of the day, you still fell asleep in the warm safe embrace of Hanbin. Hyunwoo on the other hand… You couldn’t even worked up enough courage for an apology. 

“No, it’s not your fault. We both decided on parting way and we both felt the pain of it. Sometimes, nobody is at fault…. Life is just cruel. All I’m saying is, be that relief for Hanbin. He’s all alone in that cold office. He’s a lonely man, Y/n. You were always that salvation to his “sad, pathetic life”. His words, not mine.”

“What?” You raise your eyebrows, wincing a bit at the sound of “sad” and “pathetic”. Why would Hanbin says such preposterous thing?

“We ran into each other in Japan and he spent all night just doting over your little quirks. His eyes light up anytime I mentioned your little habits and he’d exclaimed excitingly that you still do those things. There’s a lot of thing he knows about you that you don’t even realize. I know you already know this but the guy, he had been beaten up by this dog eat dog world enough. Let him be happy. He will never be happy again knowing you’re still hurting. If you don’t love him anymore, let him know so he can moves on. But I know you do. He’s your true love, Y/n. I admire the kind of love you two share. Let yourself breathe, babe. Just go. Go and be happy with him.”

With the last words of his well wishing, Hyunwoo gently lift you away from his shoulder and press a soft kiss to your forehead. He was grateful because you brought him happiness, even more now that you had brought him and Ella together even with your own loneliness looming like a big storm. All that needed for his world to be perfect now would be for you to be happy.

“You know what’s funny? He used to say the same thing about our love. He said we inspired him.”

Hyunwoo and you both chuckle at the strange thought that somehow your love inspired Hanbin to pursue you the way he did. Somehow out of all the fuckery life threw at you both, Love grew from the sadness of a broken first love. You sat there in Hyunwoo’s arms for God know how long musing over the strange way life played out, how at one point you were all strangers but now… Now you, Hanbin, Hyunwoo, and Ella all found solace in being an irreplaceable part in each other’s lives.

He wasn’t happy coming back to his company in a chaotic mess but it wasn’t anything Hanbin couldn’t handle. A part of him was thankful for the dire need for overtime as his weary heart can’t take much more emotional trauma. If there’s one thing he learned about this cruel business world is that it’s as cold as a polar bear’s toe is that there would be no need for him to “feel” when dealing with these pesky business ventures.

A pat on the back and a supportive squeeze on the shoulder from his dad signaling the crazy 36 hours overhaul had come to and end. Hanbin sinks down into the large leather chair finding himself wondering what you were doing at this moment, if you were eating well. The small clock on his wall ticks 11:30 PM as he hails a small breath of relief. He had gone straight into the company the second he left your hospital room and hadn’t left since. He barely ate, only shower out of the necessity of looking presentable to the other CEOs. The last two days were just a big blur of stumbling in and out of conference rooms. His eyes grew tired of the same beige wall and set of circular desk and chairs. He misses the calming pastel blue wall of your hospital room. It reminded him of the beach and he wonders if you knew, would you laugh at him for thinking such a weird thought. The slight hum of your bedside humidifier reminds him of the wave crashing the shore. Most of all, he knows just on that bed not too far away from his soft couch laid the brightest sun in his galaxy. He couldn’t help but grin like an idiot at the way your face so shyly sneaking a peek when you think he was too enthralled in his paperwork to notice. He was only partial to the idea of pushing the kiss onto you until he caught your silent school girl giggle one time when he had fumbled a donut onto his documents, twice, cussing at the round chocolate ring obstructing some very crucial numbers. Underneath the brooding tough girl in front of him was still the adorable little Y/n he loves.

It was only now that he realizes the lack of his personal phone as he reaches into his empty pocket to get a glimpse of your picture he still has as his lockscreen background. He had snuck it during an afternoon stroll by the river. Too busy fumbling around with change to pay the street vendor for some shaved ice, he failed to notice you had once again left his side and ran off to a cute herd of puppies. Dessert in hand, he turned around to only met with the empty spot you had excitedly hopping in when he said he’d get you food. He knew better by this point to really worry, instead, eyes searching for what could distract you away from him. When the sight of you squatting in front of three dogs, laughing away without a care caught his eyes, he couldn’t help but captured the way your bright smile seemed to put everything else to shame. 

Rushing down to his car, he feels his lungs constricting from the raging adrenaline, the pure needs of seeing your face. Hastily pressing in the passcode, his heart elates to see 4 messages from a number he knows all too well despite having deleted it from his contact.

[3:51 AM] Can we talk?

[3:55 AM] I know you must be sleeping. Sorry… I’m getting discharge soon.

[9:00 AM] It’s okay if you don’t want to. I know the last time we spoke, I wasn’t exactly civil… I just wanted to say a proper goodbye… It’s been over a day since you left and I don’t blame you if you don’t want to see me again. I just want to thank you again, for the best few years and for always being there when I needed most. I realized all I’ve done thus far is yell at you but never once thanked you for rescuing me. God know where I’d be now had it not been for you that day, so thank you. 

[6:25 PM] I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. Goodbye, love. I wish you the best. I love you, always.

“Fuck” was all he could mutters before tearing out of the parking lot leaving a trail of scorched tire marks on the ground and the unpleasant scent of burnt rubber swirling around the empty lot. Racing down the silent hall, he earned a few ire shush from the nurses but his heart couldn’t be bother. With a scream of your name, he slams the door open only to be meet with compete silent. Eyes tracing every details of the immaculate room, a flutter of the wings of fear settles in his chest. He’s too late. The empty hospital bed neatly made and the mess of a duffle bag you had next to the night stand, gone. The only remnant of you left is the gold glint of the old worn out promises sitting lonely on the night stand.

His weight drops onto the floor as if his life and soul vacated, leaving their meat suit to fend for itself. Stammering “I’m sorry” repeatedly, tears flood the frail face. For the first time since he broke your heart, you truly see how far gone his heart had been. It was easy for you to blame the cold image of the guy that had ordered for your removal from his office but seeing Hanbin now, your Hanbin… You wish for nothing but take all his pain away.

He had torn your heart but at the same time, with his own hand, he pulverized his own. In his bruised chest, a void in place of what used to be a heart. He had done his work now it’s your turn. The sight of him so broken kills you. Softly tip toeing into the room shutting the door gently, small pitter patter make their way to the boy lost in his own black hole. You sit next to him but his eyes, dead, staring into space as if you’re merely a spirit. In that moment, aside from the heavy down pour from his eyes, the rest of him seems to be stuck inside a frozen pocket in time and space.

Suddenly, a sensation so wonderful, so warm radiates from his back. It stays in one spot at first but then glide all over his back, bringing the life back to the cold pale skin. It didn’t stop there. Like a ballerina, it twirls its way upon his shivering shoulders then to the barren face, it was only then he had realized, the girl he loves was trying to save him. You were there with those concern eyes and the small frown he had always thought was so adorable. Your hands upon his body, smoothing and soothing over every crack, every site that had been pricking like needle.

“Shh, Hanbin. Don’t cry, I’m here.”

You speak up so gently you weren’t sure if he had heard right. He had heard but wasn’t sure if this is just another one of the hallucination his mind made up to attempt at healing its host. You’re sitting so close to him, whispering comforting words. Like a person coming out of a coma, his eyes slowly flicker, following the movement of the hand that was now rubbing gently on his chest to ease his ragged breathing.

“I’m here, Hanbin. Don’t cry. Everything will be okay.”

You said it again, he couldn’t believe it. A reluctant hand meet the pink skin of your cheek, caging it while his thumb runs along the pair of lips he had dreamt of so many nights. A smile blooms at the contact of his finger onto your skin and he sighs with relief.

“It really is you… I’m not dreaming, am I?”

“You’re not, babe. I’m here. They needed to clean my room so I went outside to relax. Don’t worry, I’m here, baby.”

Desperately, his arms pull you into his body, nearly topple both of you onto the hard floor but he didn’t care. If he let go now, you would melt away with the wind. Or perhaps much worse, you would go back to the cold, and bitterness of hate, pushing him away. He has to hold you close, to never let go, just like you said he needs to. He had found his happiness once again and hell freezes over before he’d let you go again.

“Please don’t leave me, Y/n. I can’t live without you. I don’t care if I’m being selfish, I don’t care. I need you so bad. Please… I know I hurt you. I know because I was hurting too. I can’t sleep because when I close my eyes, my mind just takes me back to that night. Watching you cry, hearing you call my name, I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I can’t eat because, fuck, how could I eat when I know you’re starving yourself from crying for a useless fool like me. God, I thought I was too late. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t see your text an- and, your lugga- your luggages are gone. Whe- I’m not too late am I? I know you’re angry and everything I’ve done so far is unfair to you, to Hyunwoo. I just, I thought I was… I’m so stupid, baby. You have every right to hate me. It might seems like I can’t make up my mind, pushing you away then asking for another chance, like I’m hurting you on purpose but that’s not what I want to do. I’d much rather spent the last few months cuddle up to you admiring the ring on your beautiful hand than walk through hell. I thought I was letting you have the happiness you deserve. I’m so sorry. I regret everything I said.” He cried out with all the desperation in the world, all the heartbreak every soul on this planet had ever felt, he let it all out. 

“Shh, baby it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere, Hanbin. I’m right here. I put my bags away so they could clean the room. I’m not leaving yet. We have plenty of time to talk things out, okay? I’m not angry.” You tried your best to stay strong for him but the wavering of your voice threaten to burst through. You want to cry. Cry because guilt cuts deeper than anything else could. Cry because he was here in your arms once again. Cry because he was begging for you to stay. Cry because you know you will stay.

“Please, Y/n. Please, baby. If I ask you to not to leave me, will you stay? If, if you stay, will you love me again? I just need one chance, just one, I can prove to you…” His thumbs rubbing the tear away from your cold cheeks, eyes latching onto any bit of emotion you were showing through. For once in months you weren’t angry… You were just, well you.

“My idiot Hanbin, I’ve never stop loving you.”

None of your word could relent the neediness of his hands, of his eyes, of his love. Like a child lost in the raging current of life, he clings onto your body like the salvation of a lifeline, the last bit of hope before he drowns in the harshness of it all. Understood, you sit still, head snuggles into the crook of his neck, letting him get high off of you. Arms tighten around his waist, you press a small kiss onto the slender neck, taking in his warmth as he does yours. His hand tangles in your hair, your fingers, your shoulders, your back, everywhere. Your craving of him rattles in its cage like a starving monster with him being so impossibly close that you could hear his heart beat. But right now, you need to put him first, let him have his moment. 

A small terrifying gasp left his lungs as you pull away, putting space in between the two hungry bodies.

“No, no, no. Baby, don’t leave. I need more. I need you…”

Fearful that the drought of his heart will no longer be grace with your rain, panic envelops his body. You remain close, sitting still in between his legs. One hand moving onto the dull skin of his cheek, you crack a small smile that eases his weary mind. His begging stop the instant your lips touch his in the most delicate manner, pressing colors of love back into his monotone soul.

“I love you, Hanbin.”

You murmurs against his lips with the best smile you could muster up and immediately feel his lips curl up in reciprocation.

“I love you so much, Hanbin.”

You repeat when the wetness drench your skin in the torrential downpour of his eyes. It was as if every prayer, every hunger, every thirst his body went through the last two months answered all at once, overwhelming every senses in his body. His face numb with your drug. All he could do was clutching onto the loose fabric of your hospital shirt while letting your lips work his into oblivion. You work gently and carefully, wary of the splitting cracks of his lips that must be stinging like thousands pricks of thorn. Soon enough, neither of you could be satisfy by the lightness of a few pecks. As if he read your mind, his lips part slightly, welcoming your own pressuring for a deeper kiss. Your soul relishes in familiar plush of his lips, the dominance of his tongue, the sweetness that he is. 

“Please, be mine again.” You murmur against his lips, giving you both a chance to catch up to reality.

Your words so small and simple but it restores his heart, mends his soul. Finally reeling in the reality of it all, he breaks away from your touch.

“Always. I’m always yours baby. Y/n is mine. Forever. I’d love that.”

Echoing the words you had said to him two years and six months ago when he first tie your life to his, he lets out a joyous sob. Mirroring his emotion, you wrap your arms around his shoulder, cheek rubbing onto his,  thankful for a second chance at love. No word could describe the feeling your soft touches are giving him at the moment. It simply feels like he’s among the clouds of his best dreams. Like any dream, reality rears its ugly head and this time it comes in form of a string of heavy cough shaking your body. The settling cold of night has once again gotten the better of your still recovering body. Hunching over in a fit of cough, you smile through it all. For once in all the days laying in this cold room, you know once again you can confidently grab onto Hanbin for support.

Holding your body close, he carries you off easily with your arms still clinging around his neck. Gently settling your tired body onto the unnecessary large bed, Hanbin made sure you drink enough water before pulling the cover over your body. Shuffling around awkwardly beside your bed, he suddenly overcomes with a sense of uncertainty. Even though his body still feeling like it’s on the best high, guilt begins to course through his every vein. He had been so overwhelm with emotion that his overloaded brain forgotten about the betrayal he had put you through. Now regaining his consciousness, he couldn’t help be be hesitant, scare of how to bring the past up without pushing you spiraling back into hatred. His dubiousness not missed by your eagle eyes. Although adorable, you couldn’t help but be a bit sad from the distance between your body and his. For as long as you could remember, he never had a filter for skin-ship. All his best friends complain just how clingy he is when it’s come to being touchy, how thankful they were you came along to take some weight off their shoulders. Totally opposite of his work demeanor - cold and calculated, around you he was as affectionate as they come - hands constantly feeling the need to be in contact with your body even if it’s just resting gently on your shoulder.

“Uhm… Can-May I?” Finally catching onto your scrutinizing eyes, he stammers in embarrassment, unsure of what to do with himself.

“What kind of question is that? If you insist on being a stranger with me then just leave. I really don’t need doubts and distance right now.”

Whispering a small sorry, he finally picks a spot nearby your feet, hands softly resting on your legs.

“You’re such an idiot, Hanbin.” Sighing in defeat at his cluelessness, you peel the corner of the large grey blanket away, patting the spot next to you softly before motioning for him to come over with two fingers. Swiftly kicking off his shoes, he carefully settles under the cover right next to your body. Instinctively, you immediately snuggle up close under his arm, head resting gently against his beating heart. Without missing a beat, his arms assume their favorite position around your body just as they always had.

“What I need right now is my boyfriend. My caring, loving, affectionate Hanbin. The guy that abandoned work to bring me soup when I came down with the flu. The guy that screamed he’s not mushy or lovey dovey but then clung onto me for a whole day like a crybaby after I came back from a long trip. The guy that willing to give up sleep to drive for hours just so I can see the beach. The guy that makes me smile just by blinking his beautiful eyes, melts my heart with a touch of his finger. I can’t stand you being so distant, so detached from me. I need my Hanbin back. I want my Hanbin… I deserve to get you back. I’ve been through enough… Don’t you think?”

Your voice trails off as sob takes hold. The flashes of his standoffish expression, cold manner replay in your mind like the worst nightmare that won’t go away. Even now with your body safe in his embrace, you still fear this is all just life cruel trick. Lifting you high before throwing your body crashing down once again. Without warning, his fingers nimbly secure your chin in their grasp, lifting your head up to meet his gaze. Your painful teary eyes transform into gleeful ones instantly when those soft lips crash messily onto yours, moulding itself against the curve of your own.

“I don’t fucking deserve you, not one bit. I must’ve been a saint in my past life because hell, I haven’t done anything in this life to deserve your love.” He murmurs against your lips before another round of thrashing of lips begin. His hands rough yet gentle at the same time, conveying the neediness you crave. His full attention focuses on making you feel at home, on taking all your worries away. He needs you to know he’s never going anywhere, ever again. You have him for as long as you want, this life and all the lives after that.

“But I will stay for as long as you need. I’ll be your servant if it means I get to worship at your feet every minutes of the rest of my pathetic life. I love you so much, baby. Whatever you want babe. I’ll give you everything if it means you’ll take my worthless self, let me back into your life.”

The intensity of his loving gaze set you ablaze with joy. The way he’s drinking in every bit of your features, longing for your touch even though he’s already holding you so close, lips merely centimeters away from yours.

“I love you, Hanbin. You don’t need to do anything, just staying by my side and loving me is enough.”

Finally parting touch out of bare necessity for air, his eyes glisten with newfound strength. Hands still tangles in the knots and strands of your hair, he whispers “thank you” incessantly before laying back down. Minutes then an hour past without much being said. Simple sound of kisses smacking and content sighs replace words that need not be say to be understood.

“Is this why you chose this hospital… because the bed is big? So you can crawl into bed with me when i’m out cold.” A devilish smirk on your tired lips, deciding you miss his soothing buttery voice. As much comfort as this blissful silent brought, you’d much rather listen to his incessant babble after so long of watching from the distant.

“What kind of person do you think I am, baby? I’m not that desperate.” He scoffs, although the arms tightening their hold around your shoulder said otherwise.

He places a kiss on your forehead, lips smirking victoriously at the sight of your small body flushing against his, letting him pet you however he likes. An air of easiness floods his lungs at the sound of your small giggle. It was something he took for granted. Having heard nothing but screams and cries the past few months, it was now a sound he vows to hear at least once a day. The best part of it all, it was him that caused that lovely sound.

“I’m pretty sure you are.” you insist, hand wanders from his toned chest to the tight abs. You’ve missed this. Cuddling was something you both love, perhaps even more than making love. The intimacy of knowing you could be so impossibly close without needing to resort to lust and biological urges is a high of its own.

“Fine but I only did it once, okay? And it was because I had to leave you. I’m not creepy like that. I just kinda held your hand and kiss you here and there. You know, whispering into your ears. Typical K-drama kind of scenes.”

“Ugh, Mr. Hanbin. Kissing and laying with someone without their permission, how could you. That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.” You groan, scrunching up your nose feigning disgust at his confession.

“If I admit i’m a creep for you, will you stop teasing me?” he quips, fingers digging into your hip eliciting a loud yelp. Doesn’t matter how much you beg, his fingers never cease their banter. Your eyes dart hastily between the door back to his playful eyes, worries engulf you.

“Yah, stop. I’m gonna get scold by the mean nurse again. She already hate me enough as it. It’s all your fault too!” You groan loudly, simultaneously hushing his overexcited self.

“You little brat, how is it my fault if you’re an annoying patient huh?” His eyes light up in pure happiness watching you squirm under his touch, a smile broad on your lips.

“CAUSE! you left a big mess with all your papers and shenanigans. Then you keep storming in and out of my room. Ugh, you’re so annoying”

“Hey, how dare you call your boyfriend annoying. You’re so getting it now!” Shifting off, he hovers threateningly over your body, hands begin trailing down along your side and once you realize where they were heading, it was already too late.

 “No, come on babe. Not my freaking thighs, stop! Yes. Yes. as long as it’s for me.”

“I’m only a creep for you, Mrs. Hanbin. Happy now?”

‘Mrs.’, that was something Hanbin had always avoided saying. Not because he didn’t see himself marrying you but because he had always been scared of rejection. He was readied, so ready to take you with him for the rest of his life. Never once had he called you “mrs.” anything. Hearing your new title, the meaning, it rattles your heart with intensity of a 9 point earthquake. Playfully hitting his chest, your crane your neck to press a small kiss onto his awaiting puckered lips before laying back down.

“Baby?” Timidly, Hanbin awaits your response, unsure if he really wants to go dig a hole when everything feels so right.

“Yes, boyfriend.” You breathe almost effortlessly much to his delight. He loves the way you could make such a simple word impact his heart in such a way, evident by the brilliant smile tumbling from his lips. You stare back with delight glossing over your doe eyes and he found himself sadden. Sadden not because of what you said but because all this time, he could’ve just given you the ring, that none of this would’ve happen.

“I’m really sorry for all the things I’ve done. I know there’s no making up for it.”

“I know…” You whisper softly, index grazing along his torso. Feeling the gap increasing between you both even though you’re still stuck close to his body, you wiggle even closer. “I… I blamed you for causing all my pain but I realized, it must’ve been ten…no, thousand times worse for you. I won’t say it’s okay because honestly, it wasn’t. I can say this though, I forgive you and I need for you to forgive yourself if we’re going be together.”

“I love you so much.” He digs his face deep into the crook of your neck, feeling his large body somehow fitting so perfectly inside your small embrace. “I don’t blame you for hating me. Even as I was going through that night, my head kept screaming at me ‘fool, you need her. Stop now before it’s too late’. Even when you were being drag away, I just wanted to chase after you, pulling you back into my arms but I was so blind I thought that was the only way you’d be happy.” A bone crushing hug found its way around your body as he mutters out a muffled confession. He finally exhales after feeling like his breathing has ceased for so long. His body on cloud 9 as your hand rubs comfort back into his skin.

“Hanbin… I can’t say that I agree with what you did but I understand. You had my best interest in mind even if it meant throwing yourself away in the process. A man that can forget about his own well being for the good of his love ones is someone I can stand behind. My happiness is with you. What I needed from Hyunwoo was closure.” You smile at the thought of having two amazing men in your life that are willing to give and support you no matter what. How lucky can one person be, honestly. “We both had thought the reason we felt so guilty for moving was because there was still lingering feeling. Turns out, we just needed closure, to make sure the other person is happy.” It was true a small part of you always held back from loving Hanbin fully. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to or you don’t care. It was you couldn’t bring yourself to be truly happy when God know where or how Hyunwoo was. In the short few months of your love being absent, progress made further than all the years that came before it had. You both found peace with letting go of a love you once cherished so deeply. You both finally forgave yourself for moving on, for being happy. You finally get to close that chapter of your life properly.

“Thank you for always understanding me. There’s something I, I’m… I don’t know if I should but I just need to know.” 

“Anything, love.” You whisper with a kiss on his forehead, worries once again dances on the tip of your tongue. Should you shut him up with another kiss or let him voice his concern no matter where his question might lead.

“The doctor, they said you were unwilling to wake up… Di-Did you remember anything from when you were sleeping? Was, was it because of me? Did you dream about me? Was it because you don’t want to see me again?” He utters out the painful cluster of words, arms constricting around your body as if it being impossibly close to you would ensure he’d get the answer he hopes for.

“No, silly. I just thought if I wake up, I’ll lose you all over again. In my dream, you were smiling at me and I couldn’t… I couldn’t let go.” 

And hope you given him.

“I’m sorry. I promise you I will never leave you. I want to spend the rest of this life with you, then all the lives after that. I honestly don’t blame you if you wake up one day and decide to leave me. I deserve every pain in this world. If I were you, I would never forgive me.” 

“But you’re not me and I’m not going anywhere. I forgave you a long time ago, Hanbin. I figured if I can’t give you the happiness you deserve then I can at least help you… that’s why I wrote you the letter.”

“My happiness is with you, always had been, the second you knock me down on that street.” Finally found enough courage to look you in the eyes, Hanbin feels himself experiencing the very definition of happy as a smile was already on your lips.

“And mine, yours.”

Now that you were officially well enough to sleep without being constantly monitor by the watchful nurse or the plentiful beeping of machines, the room suddenly feel boring.

“Hanbin, are you sleeping?” You stare up at the serene on his resting face and found yourself smiling for no reason. He’s so handsome, more now than ever that you both spilled your hearts to each other without holding anything back.

“No… I can’t sleep without you imitating the machines to lull me.” You gasp, eyes blown wide open at his little confession. Many nights while Hanbin would peacefully rest on the couch, you’d find yourself making noises, beeping along with the machine or humming random tunes. It was a way to ground yourself to reality, God know how hard it was to stay away, to not just clamber atop his stilled body and fall asleep. Other times, it’d just to keep you company from the restlessness of having been sleeping all day long.

“Oh no! You heard that?” You rasp and Hanbin just chuckles. You could never stay quiet for long and he loves you for it. Always touching him or making cute random noises as you do the most mundane things. He finds your neediness adorable. You hide behind the palms of your hands before feeling kisses being place all over them.

“Yes, babe. I heard all the noises you made up. Light sleeper now, remember?” With his eyes still close, he leans further into your needy grasp before pecking blindly at the top of your hair, missing the target a quite a few times.

“Well…. Since you’re awake, wanna do something crazy with me? One last hurrah before I say bye to this place forever?” 

“Baby, we are NOT fucking in here. The door doesn’t even have a lock. People know me here. I can’t be having my parents going in for a check up and hear fleeting murmurs of my rendezvous with my crazy girlfriend. Uh uh.” You didn’t need to peek to know there’s a full blown smirk on his devilishly handsome face despite the minor protesting he’s faking at the moment. “Plus it’s 3 in the morning, get some sleep. We’re leaving the hospital at 11 tomorrow morning.”

“Come on, baby… You never let locks and fleeting murmur stop you before…” You whine and you know he hates it. “3 in the morning is exactly why I’m proposing we do this. No one comes by at this hour.”

“No.” A simple stern word hit you before he lets his eyes fluttering close once again. No way were you going to let this opportunity go as you climb atop his stiffening body.

“Please, Hanbin. I miss you… Please…” You beg knowing he would never last if you pull a pout on him. Now how to get him to open his eyes… A dangerously smirk found itself on your lips as you straddle across his torso, lips pressing softly up to his jawline as he gulps more time than you can count in a few seconds. “Technically we don’t have to do it here… I may or may not have found a safe spot in my many days spent in this place.” The second you finish your sultry laced sentence, his head shot up faster than you could even begin to imagine. Eyes wide, his mouth gapes wide open in the process of deciphering what the hell you mean by safe spot. Just as his eyes met with your pout, you hop off the bed and begin strutting toward the door pulling along the spare blanket that was once neat atop your bedside chair.

“God, you’re so crazy.” Left Hanbin’s lips with a shake of his head yet that mischievous smile tells you he was gamed. By the time he caught up, you had reach the door to the staircase with a suggesting curl of your finger calling him over. Sighing loudly as tho he doesn’t want to, he pulls his jacket over the loose  V-necked t-shirt that had been tempting you all night by revealing just enough of that flawless skin and enticing sharpness of his collar bones and neck. 

“Baby, how is the staircase safe?” he questions, taking your hand in his.

“Not here. I’m not crazy.” You jest, leading him up. His mouth gapes wide open in shock as if your proposal of fucking in the same hospital that he was born in, got his first cast on his arm after falling off his beloved horse, then stitching on his knee not too long after from a dirt bike, the very same one that his parents still frequent often is absolutely, completely normal but getting it on in the staircase is absolutely bonker. A strangled sound caught your attention as you reach out for his hand. He looks like a damn fish gulping air in and out as he struggles with the logical side of himself whether he should speak up or not. 

“Don’t you dare call me crazy, Kim Hanbin. We fucked in a freaking field before, and on the plane, and in the closet that one time you were bored out of your mind at the old men convention.”

“Can you not call my business party “old men convention”? Make me sound so unattractive.”

“it’s some lame party with a bunch of old dudes pretending they’re still in their primes and they have the perfect family, perfect marriage. but really they’re just happy their wives let them loose for once to mingle with other old dudes and like stare at my ass.” Your head twist around to sass at him. “ You know the only reason why their wives let them out right? So they can all huddle up in the corner of the party with their expensive wine that cost more than my apartment and talk shit about their husbands. Oh and they stare at your ass, and body, and face, and like everything else. Come on, babe. You didn’t even wanna go and you were the one that hosted the party.” You hop down a few steps to meet his level before leaning in for a simple sweet kiss on his lips. “Don’t worry, you’re the handsomest old man there. I won’t leave you even if some other old man was worth 10 times more drop out of the sky. No sir, I’m good with my old man Hanbin.” You scrunch up your eyebrows, shaking your head a few time just to emphasize on how much you enjoy teasing him.

“You’re lucky I love you. I swear, you’re so goddamn vexing sometimes.” He groans but did not refuse your hand pulling him along the steps.

By the time your feet had past the door of the highest floor, just 2 flights of stair above your floor, Hanbin finally caught onto your idea of a safe spot is. Judging from the darkening of his eyes and the smug grin on his lips, it’s fair to say he agrees. Soon enough you both reach your destination as the auto doors slide wide open, rushing fresh air to the dampen atmosphere of the mostly unused highest flights of stairs. Aside from the nurses and doctors hiding out for a quick smoke, you had figured out that no one ever go up here outside of lunch hours despite the well maintained area equips with outdoor heater and a numbers of picnic table for lunch breaks. Now that the inky sky had taken over for the day, no one bothers trekking all the way up here seeing how the elevator stopped two floors down, the last floor with actual patient rooms. 

“What do you think? Neat huh?”

“Okay, fine. It’s pretty nice up here.” Hanbin unwillingly admit although a smile bright on his face as he approaches the thick glass fencing that remains the only thing holding the  safe haven of the roof and the 15 stories drop onto the world below.

“I spent a lot of time here whenever you leave for work… something about it. Clears my mind. I just forget about all the messy relationship stuff when I’m here. It’s just me and my thought.” Your voice dips low as you take a spot next to his, back leaning onto the cool glass, eyes searching for any sign of stars above but all you could see was man made stars. “ I forget sometimes that you were gone when I’m up here. I found myself calling out to you then just break down crying when there’s no answer. Pathetic, right? All I had to do was kiss you but I’m too fucking stubborn to even do that but then I sit here and cry like none of this is my fault. I’m so sorry” Your eyes on your very own star now. He seems to be shining so brightly even though a frown was forming on the edges of those beautiful lips of his. His eyes dejected as he gazes down on the bustling world below, almost as if wishing he could just jump and warp back in time to stop himself from hurting you. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, baby… I started this.” He breathes so gently it’d have been carried away with the night breeze had you not been giving him your full focus.

“For screaming at you, for hating you, for everything. Please… Hanbin.” Your pleading left your lips weak, dismal but all the more sincere. “Please, don’t leave me again.” You were sobbing now and there was nothing he could do to stop you but pulling you tight under his arms, secure you in his needy grasp as he cries with you. For the first time since you woke up, you utter words of weakness and deepest desire, You could scream, you could hit him, cuss at him and while it hurt, nothing hurt more than to see you break down into fragile fragments of what left of his girlfriend.  

“It’s okay, baby. I’m never leaving, ever again.” was all he could whispers as the night cold paints you both with its brushes of frost. You both stand there, stealing each other body heat, bearing all the vulnerabilities of being hurt for each other to see. Your hands cling onto his back desperately under his jacket because even with the relatively thin material obstructing you from feel him, you’re still fearing he could just be another one of your figment of imagination, fisting up the material as tightly as you can just in case he’d dissipate if you let go. He says nothing but grabbing tighter onto your shivering frame because he knows you need this, he had his weak moment just letting it all go in your arms and now you need yours. He had long figured out that it would take all his life to earn back that seemingly unending trust you had for him because well, he gave you a taste of his disappearing act and what will stop him from performing it again. He gave you a taste of what your sunshine of a man could really do if darkness takes over, even if he meant well. He’s acutely aware that to you, the option of him just up and leave out of nowhere is all too real even if with all his heart and soul he’s certain, so certain that never again would he do it. He needs you too much, loves you too much to ever do something so hideously stupid ever again. It pains to even think he had done so much damage that your fear is that of him just walking away… again. You were the fearless one in the relationship. The fearless he’s thinking of here isn’t the kind that you possess as a strong independent woman he fell in love with, the kind that he admires so much. No, the fearless here is the one where you lead your relationship without ever worrying about consequences or being hurt. The one that whispered in your ear “yes” when he asked you to take a trip with him 2 weeks into your friendship even though you got no idea where you were going or even if he’s really is just a lonely sad boy who needed friend. The same one that encased you in its carefree embrace as he lead you toward the walk in closet at his parents’ mansion during the old man convention knowing how humiliating it would be if anyone were to catch the both of you moaning each other names as they walk by. You didn’t care, you trust that he would take care of you if such things did happen. The same one that stroked a laugh out of you as you both hand in hand jump off a cliff in some exotic island you can’t even pronounce the name off into the glistening blue ocean that would make aquamarine pale with jealousy even when you were scare shitless of the height. Why did you do it? Well because he would never endanger you in anyway. No harm would come to you, his promise that he upheld for so long until that night. The sheer shock and panic of going through that decision again in his mind rips him away from his reverie as he feel you calm in his hold. Suddenly the shadow of trepidation darken his body as his embrace constricts, letting him feel every dip and curve of your body and how you just melt into his touch, wiggling just to fit in with the tightening grasp. You’re so serene in the way your hand caressing the curve of his spine, face resting in the crook of his neck with your other hand over his heart. His urges too strong at this point to ignore so he pushes you off and chuckle at the strange cat-liked sound you produce, stupefy for a moment from the sudden movement. You stare deep into Hanbin’s eyes searching for any hint of uncertainty, any hint that he wants to hurt you again, push you away again but satisfy when you found none. He’s just your Hanbin again. The same one with eyes holding your whole universe, lips like the ripeness of all the best summer fruits this world could hold, and heart fresh like the first breeze of spring. He stares back and find all the answer to his life struggle as you crack a small smile, captivating him in a way nothing of this world could. Then almost too fast for human being, he’s already on your lips in a kiss with the fervidity of all those who lost but then found love again. It wasn’t the usual slow built kiss that remind you of the campfire that one summer spent at his cabin. It didn’t start of slow and dry like the tiny flickering flame of the smolder struggling to catch on. It wasn’t even the paced wet kiss of a newly born fire, latching onto any source of fuel it could. He lunges on you the burst of flame that comes with the added support of lighter fluid, of all the kindling he could possibly add in. His lips waste no time in pulling yours into the little pocket of space and time where only you and him exist. Hanbin tugs at your lower lips, nibbling, biting, smashing his lips against your all the way he knows how. The moment he feel you gasping under the pleasurable pain of his bite and the desperation of wanting more but also needing oxygen, his tongue breaches pass your lips getting straight to chasing yours. Hands tangle in your bedhead strands almost locking you in place conveying how much he wants to let you know he is never going to lose you, ever again. 

“Hanbin…  baby… table” is the most you manage to wrangle out before he already hoists you up making his way toward a table in the back corner, the furthest away from the entrance. He stays silent, never say a word but it’s not like he ever needs to for you to understand his intention. You shed your wrinkled up hospital shirt from hours of cuddling the second your weight got support from the wooden table below and he follows suit. By God, after so long of holding in the thirst for him, the sight of him standing there shirtless admiring you with pupils so blown out his eyes are almost pitch black is enough to make you finish then and there. Ever so caring, he wraps his jacket around your now naked body, shielding you from the numbing gaze of the night wind as he lets his eyes trace out all the part of you he misses so much. 

“You will be the death of me.” He breathlessly mutters out before resuming the fight for dominant over your lips, smirking at how easily you submit to you. His hand like a map guiding his lips to explore the temptations of your body. Still staring deep into your eyes, the soft pads of his fingers caress the sharpness of your collar bones before dipping down letting the flowers of love bloom brightly on your soft skin. A gasp struggles out from the thousands of small tingling shocks running, spreading from your skin deep to your core. Your fingers quick to make home in his hair, tugging and scratching, pulling him closer. “You like that? Letting everyone knows you’re mine?” He sounds so devilishly captivating and all you could let pass your lips was a breathless “yes” before kicking your head back, basking in the gratification of his thumb circling, flicking your nipple gently while his lips working on the other one. “It’s still amaze me how perfectly your breasts mould to my hands, just so perfect, all for me.” He took a step back, eyes scrutinize every part of your body the best way possible with his hand still kneading at your soft mounds, his jacket barely hiding the world from gazing upon your naked body. He dips back in, sucking at your skin, inciting fire at with ever pass of his lips before his teeth dig into the already crimson marks. The man knows exactly what to do to get you work up and before you know it, “all yours” already slips out into the cold air stroking his ego further. 

Both hands on your side now, he slowly trails them down, thumbs pressing into your sensitive skin as his tongue trail down from the valley of your breast straight to your belly button, not bothering to stop once until he reaches the forbidden place that only he has the key to. Hands holding your hips down firmly in place, he orders a stern “open” before diving straight into your more than willing spreading thighs. No teasing tonight as his tongue quick to the point in toying with your aching swollen clit. Your body curl up in the sudden floodgate of pleasure opening from months of drought only to have him grasping on tighter surely to leave marks. “Don’t you dare move, princess. I need a good taste first, then I’ll make you feel good. You want that, don’t you? I would hate to deny my princess that, especially after this long of waiting.” You nod furiously, hand holding down your thighs as if that really would stop the instinctive jerk of your body in response to his tongue flicking but then he stops, just staring up at you. “You waited for me right?” He looks so dangerous with eyes nearly all black from lust, a snarl threatening to spill from his lips, brows furrow driving his features into a cross of half smugness half anger, as if daring you to say no, to find out what kind of punishment would awaits you if you did. To his heart content, you nod yes. “Use your words, baby.” He grunts and you yelp out a loud “yes” to meet his victorious smirk. Something about the way he was praising you with the simple use of “good girl” had you rolling your hip onto his lips almost instinctively. You gasp, hand clasping over your lips in worry that you had just done something wrong, that he would deny you of your end but he only response with a dip of two fingers inside your body. You nearly cry from the sudden pleasure, back hitting what would’ve been the cold hard surface of the table if not for the jacket that Hanbin had so attentively wrap around your body. “Come on, princess. You wanted this, at least do my skill some justice. Let me hear you.” Your eyes shut tight, hand grabbing at nothing from the already intense stroking of his fingers. “Fuck, Hanbin… Please. It’s been too long, don’t tease me.” No sooner than your begging mess collapse backward onto the cold hard surface, a charming smirk and a breath of sigh meet your senses in their dance of allure. “No patient, as always. When will you ever learn that good things, very good things will come if your pretty little body can just hold out. No matter, we all know how much I love you begging anyways…” That cocky little shit, you thought, how he manages to put you in this dumfounded trance no matter what he does you didn’t know. What you do know is judging from the swift sound of the drawstring of his sweat untying, you’re about to get exactly what you’ve been asking for so if it means stroking his big, but not by any mean unfound, ego then you will. 

Both his hands found purchase around your jaw as he settles in between your legs, eyes holding an intense gaze, burning you with all his love and desire. A soft kiss finds itself onto your lips with a fleeting whisper of “I love you” drawing out your own smile as you return the favor. 

“Ready, baby?” He growls, breaths growing heavy with anticipation as yours hasten knowing exactly what’s about to happen.

With a gentle nod, that devilish smirk is back on his gorgeous features as he watches your struggle to cope with the sudden flood of blinding pleasure. A moan escapes your lips, face twisting up looking near in pain although Hanbin knows otherwise as his face takes on a similar expression. He hold himself still for a moment, letting your body acclimate to the familiar feeling of him filling you up so wonderfully and he with the overwhelming pressure of being so intimately connected to the person he cares so deeply about. He sighs in relief, overjoy as your scrunched up expression blooms into a blissful smile, eyes being force open to stare up at him. So delicately, Hanbin eases back out as slowly as he could without denying either of you the pleasure that’s buzzing fast across your warming skin. A near scream involuntarily rips from your throat as he suddenly thrust hard, hips snapping against your body with the surge of primal desire. 

“You’re alright, baby?” Ever the gentleman, even being lost within his lust, nothing could stop him from assuring you are perfectly safe and sound, happy when a ragged “yes” then a “harder, Hanbin” stumbles from your parting lips. “Anything for my lady.” he had said before all you could see was stars as his thrusts increase in both speed and strength. Six months, half a year of being away from you, of not being to experience your love, all of it is behind him. He collapses atop your jerking body, lips resume its exploration of your body all the while a grin play upon his delectable lips.  

“Fuck, baby. Your body is amazing. I don’t think I will ever get enough.” He grunts, hardly able to pass a breath as his senses overload with everything that’s you.

“Neither can I but please…” You huff out, feeling your end ringing close, sweat dripping down your skin even with the cold breeze of night. “… I’m so close, Hanbin, please… I-” 

Begging, begging had always been his biggest weakness, just seeing you so submissive, so willing to cater to his ever needs just to chase your own ending with those innocent eyes despite being fuck into oblivion. No sooner than your pleading whines left your bruised lips from the endless tugging of his teeth, a hand softly, and skillfully wrap tight around your craned neck having your breath hitches in excitement. His eyes darken further, an almost dangerous smirk burst out with life as he stares down on you threatening, daring to see if you were brave enough to break eye contact with him. The small gasps with your struggle to your meet long awaited high has his thrust pounding you into the hard surface and his grunts deepen. You needed your high to drop so badly and you could tell by the way his face twisting up so painfully pleasurable, so did he. 

“Begging like that… You’re lucky we’re no- we’re not at home because you’d be in so much trouble. Teasing me, riled me up then begging with those doe eyes of yours. We both know you’re just a devious little girl, playing me to get what you want.” Hanbin’s hand retreats from your neck to carding through your hair, grasping it harshly, lips near assaulting your own. 

“What are you gonna do about it, boss? I- I think you’re more bark than bite.” You stutter out as confidently as you could but with Hanbin’s teeth clamping down tight on your battered lips, tugging it as harsh as he could, your voice shuts up fast, only satisfying moans were left. 

“What were you saying, baby?” He pulls away, his thrusts messy as he peers down on you almost contemptuously with that shit eating grin of his, knowing he has all the power over you. Your eyes hide away, nails clawing at the cold table after a hard thrust, thighs clenching hard around his body. Hanbin himself is beginning to lose control himself, one hand neatly atop your breast groping harshly, the other pressing your convulsing body down in place, head thrown back as he tries his best to keep it together to chase your high. 

“Hanbin… Fuck… I-I” Ears ringing, eyes blinding, your mind’s befuddle no words would come out even if you try.

“Let go, baby. Let me help you through it.” His words soothe your whole body into nirvana,  your back ripping off the cold surface as a scream for Hanbin tear from your throat, chest heaving violently reacting to the waves of pleasure roughing up your body after so long. Your hands grip tight on the flexed muscles of his upper arms as he hasten his pace, pushing your limit as small burst of lightening buzzes through your body from the overstimulation. You want so bad for him to stop but you can’t deny him his well earned release. You lick your lips, fingers ghosting over your own nipples as you stare deep in his eyes. You moan to egg him on and moan because that’s all you could do to cope with how sensitive everything is, how far he’s pushing your abused bare sex. He couldn’t tear his eyes off of you even with his own high shutting down just about every function in his brain. Hanbin slumps over, hands grasping your shoulder tighter as he feels the coil in his lower ab tensing up with each thrust. One last grunt before his eyes flutter shut and warmth spread all over your sore, overworked inside. Ignoring the dead weight pinning down your body, your hands cup his cheeks pulling him close for one last fervid kiss before letting the lull of exhaustion carries you both to rest. 

Laying there in his arm, completely bare for anyone to see feel strangely comforting. Neither of you were shy when it comes to baring all for the world to see but this moment is breaching any limit you had set before. Even with the lack of the warm cover and soft mattress awaiting to serve your weary bodies just a few floor below, you’re perfectly happy in this moment with Hanbin flushing tight on your back, face nuzzling close to your hair.

“You know I was really jealous…” You speak up to break the silent that by no mean dull. You just miss hearing his voice.

“Hmm? Jealous of my friend?” A kiss finds itself resting on your disgustingly sweat filled locks that hanbin too kindly had said was still perfect even post sex.

“I mean, that’s obvious … I was talking about before.”

“Before?” He parroting back, humming in confusion. What had you got up to now.

“Like, before I confessed to you… I was really jealous. All those girls that rubbed up on you at parties, practically sexed  you in front of hundreds of people. I hated that I couldn’t be them.” You sigh at the thought of being back in that place, of not being able to love Hanbin so publicly.

“Was that why you were so grumpy all the time? That has to be the cutest thing ever. I made you so jealous that you finally decided to confess? Damn, if I knew all it took was me side eyeing other girls, I would’ve done that years earlier.” He suddenly exclaims with excitement as if it would’ve changed the sequence of life.

“Okay, don’t be haughty. i was so goddamn out of my mind jealous and pissed off that you weren’t looking at me and touching all those girls I near gave up.” With a flick to his forehead, you sass back and watch as hanbin winces in pain but a smile never left his lips.

“But you didn’t, and I can’t express how lucky I am. Thank you for not giving up on me… Even when I’m the biggest asshole in the world.” 

“You’re my morning cup of joe. Without you I’m nothing but a crankier, insufferable version of myself. You made me better.” So softly, your words bring out the brightest smile he could muster up as a big kiss meets your lips.

Something about post coital cuddle really gets to you in ways even the actual act of sex can’t. It’s just so intimate in the best way possible. You trust someone enough to let them fill you up with euphoria but to be able to just lay there and small talk, even just share a laugh, that show true love, true desire, and real trust. There you lay in Hanbin’s arms, smiling to yourself for being able to just listen to his chest heavily heaving. You curl up against his body, skin sticky, hair probably look like you haven’t wash it in ages judging from how it’s matting to your forehead. Hanbin as always, looking ethereally, glowing under the pale moon and the sight assaulting light pollution of the city. If only all those people in those planes could see you both, they would probably burst into flame from the sinful sight. Yet something about this silent of satisfying moans and heavy pants that’s just so beautiful. Little did you know, Hanbin had plan to make this moment all the more magnificent and lasting forever. 

“baby, I know- I know this isn’t the best time for this but…” He huffs out, hesitant on what words to use and how to not offend you. His hand dips into the pocket of his jacket inconspicuously, holding that small box that’s key to his future tightly as if holding onto a battery source, a motivation to encourage what was about to happen next.

“What is it, Hanbin?” Neck cranes, you did your best to decipher his hesitation, hoping whatever it is, it’ll continue this love-high you’re both on.

“Doesn’t this remind you of that summer…”

“You mean the one where you fucked me senseless in the field behind your vacation home?”

“Yes, yes but it was more than just fucking though, wasn’t it? At least for me it was so much more. It was the first time we really just let go of all our reservation and insecurities and just enjoy one another…”

“Of course it was just more than sex. It’s always more than meets the eyes when I’m around you. I still can’t wrap my head around how lucky I am to meet someone like you, Hanbin. I just, it’s beyond me. Thank you, baby, for everything.”

“I’m glad you feel the same way because that’s how I’m feeling right now. I don’t know if we haven’t been together for so long or that, that i’m just so elated to be with you again, to have another chance. My heart, my soul can’t even comprehend your present right now. It’s like you’re all my best dream coming true and you’re just laying here in my arm. You trust me enough to let me take the lead for so long and even after I royally fucked us both up, you’re still here. How are you even real, Y/n. I thanks God daily to let me have a chance to meet you, to love you, and for you to love me back. It’s more than anything I could ever ask for in life. When I’m with you, my money, my status, my company, none of it matter. I can’t even put in words my affection for you, my obsession, lust, desire, need, want, everything. I’ve never feel so strongly about anyone before in my life. If one day I fail at my job, lose it all, I honestly wouldn’t care because I know I have you and you wouldn’t leave me just because I lost all the dazzling part that comes with CEO Hanbin. You, miss, you love me even without all of that. After months of being alone I realize, whenever you ask me for things, it had always been my time, my love, or my affection. Never once did you ask me for material things and I can’t even say enough how thankful I am for that. When I look at you, I see my future. Future of just living in a simple home, spending our days together, visiting our parents, adopting pets, raising kids… I, that’s exactly what I want and I know it’s so crass of me to be asking so much of you especially after I took so much but Y/n, baby. I love you. I love you so much and would you do me the honor of marrying me? I would love for nothing more but to spend the rest of my life loving you, taking care of you. So please, baby. Marry me.”

“Hanbin, I-…” You wanted to scream from how happy he had just made you. God knows how long you waited for this day and after so much trials and tribulations, all the test of life thrown at the both of you, you made it. 

“It’s okay if you need time to think. I know this is a big-”

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, Hanbin. Thousand, millions times over. Yes. You can ask me tomorrow, a year from now, 10 years from now, it will always be yes. I love you so much.”

Happiness doesn’t begin to describe the surge of emotion flooding Hanbin’s body. All he could do is what he always does, hold you close and just let you feel the beating of his heart. He has no words, all thoughts lost upon him as he presses a long time coming kiss on his soon to be wife’s lips. He had dreamed of this day, this moment ever since he decided to pursue you. He mulled over it many night of what kind of spectacle, extravaganza would he set up to make this moment as perfect as can be for you but this, God, this is so much better than anything he could come up with. There’s no flashy event, no showy materials things, no one else around but just you and him. Neither of you had ever let the monetary things in life get in the way of your love and this proposal was the most perfect thing for the simple couple that you both is. Just you, him and the contagious joy that was spreading lights into even the drab atmosphere of the hospital. Pulling back, tears still welling up in his eyes, he finally retrieves the box that had been resting in the jacket that was still wrapped tightly around your body, the box he thought he would never get the chance to use. 

“I don’t have the best taste in jewelry so if you don’t like it, we can get something else.”

“Kim Hanbin, you should know better than that by now. I love whatever you get and to be honest, even if you don’t get me a ring, I would still marry you. Like, you really think I’m gonna let you escape a second time? Hell no.”

“You’re so silly sometimes… Hand please, Mrs. Hanbin!”

“Uhm, I don’t think you can call me that yet, Mr. Hanbin.” You blink back a few tears, trying your best not to lose it then and there, screaming to the world just how happy you are.

“I don’t care, you always were my Mrs. even from the first second.”

“Oh my god, this is beautiful. babe, you didn’t need to get me anything exorbitant… I mean it is very beautiful and I love it.”

“I know, I just I was so happy when I went to pick out the ring that I got carried away… Only the best for my wife.”

“Hanbin. My husband. Forever. I’d like that.”

“Y/n. My wife. Always mine. I’m never letting you go.”

Thanks goodness the night wrapped up without a hitch as you both hand in hand brave the world as newly engaged lovebirds. Bundled up in the hospital blanket, you shied away behind Hanbin’s back, giddy from the thought that the groups of nurses dying for a smoke break that was now trudging up pass you could’ve walk right in the middle of your love making session had they decided to take a break just 20 minutes earlier. Your cold pale skin rosey from the overwhelming excitement both physically and emotionally as you both bowed back to the nurses. 

“Okay, missy. You can stop giggling like a kid now. Did you realize we could’ve got caught?” Hanbin grimaced, groaning as he tucked you back onto the spacious bed.

“I’m sorry… but I can’t help it.” Blanket pulled up to hide half your face to avoid further scrutiny from your handsome man, you pulled a pout that although he can’t see, Hanbin knew very well prominent on your face.

“I seriously cannot with you anymore, baby. Get some rest, I’m going to head down and reschedule your discharge time.”

With a small wave and a muttered of “be back soon” you let drowsiness overtook your senses as you watch him disappeared down the hall. Soon after, your prince returns, a serene smile on his lips as he watches your chest heaves gently, a glint of hope sparkling on your finger pulling a smile onto his lips, before shutting the door and crawling in right next to you. 

“Goodnight, princess. I promise to always be here.”

A sweet kiss to your forehead before the sandman works his magic over the room. For once in months, Hanbin finally sleep at ease.

“Hanbin, how is she?” Worries spill from Mrs. Kim the second she steps foot inside your hospital room, bag thrown aside carelessly as she hover, hands patting your cheeks and forehead slightly. The news of you staying an extra few hours travel fast, especially with her at the edge of her seat having seen you disappeared from her life once before.

“She’s well now. The doctors finished all their test last night and she’s clear to go home.” Hanbin smiles, albeit exhausted, still mesmerizing. His eyes couldn’t tear away from your still slightly pale skin from the long road of recovering, grateful that the rosy tone has slowly returning.

“They told me she was suppose to go home this morning, it’s 5PM. What happened?” Concern shakes the whole room as she approaches your still body, curling up so peacefully in a fetal position, fast asleep.

“Nothing… I kept her up late last night so we missed the discharge time.”

“What did you do to my daughter, Kim Hanbin.” Stern and straight to the point, Hanbin’s surprise his mom hadn’t gotten his ear under her fingers.

“We talked, a lot. About everything that happened…”

“And?”

“See for yourself, mom.” Hanbin chirpy, cryptic tone did nothing but making his mom rages with uneasiness. She follows the direction of his gaze, befuddlement darken the normally kind eyes. Even after a good minute of staring, she still couldn’t figure out what the hell her crazy son was talking about. All she sees is you quietly snoring away from probably exhaustion caused by her son. 

“Mom, come on. Look harder.” Hanbin groans, earning a glare from his mom. She shakes her head incredulously at his ridiculous antic before laying eyes on his hand that was now reaching out to yours. Intertwining fingers, he gently pulls your hand on his lap, presenting it like the most exquisite piece of artifact at a museum. His thumbs stroking the back of your hand softly, a smirk appears on his lips the second her eyes widen in shock the second that insanely magnificent piece of jewelry that officially puts an end to both your heartbreak shines bright in the sleepy evening sun.

“I, oh my. Is that what I think it is. Son, you better not be joking with me right now. I will kill you with my bare hand then bring you back so your dad can punish you if you’re lying right now. No!” She gasps loudly, stirring your restful form. Hanbin presses his index to his lips with a soft shush before hovering above your wincing features, planting soft kisses along your forehead and cheeks as he would whenever you get nightmare.

“It’s okay, baby.” He coos softly, free hand stroking your hair lightly as the other one still holding onto yours tightly, his mom couldn’t help but relax into a motherly smile as she watches her baby boy becoming a man, a gentleman just like she hope he would be. “Shh, baby. It’s ok, sleep.” A few more kisses meet your lips before a smile breaks out on your lips as you settle back into a deep slumber.

“Yes, mom. it’s exactly what you think it is on her ring finger. She said yes last night… We were up talking most of last night, hence the dela-” 

“Oh my dear lord. My baby.” Mrs. Kim lunges forward and before Hanbin could even reacts, she’s already planting kisses all long his cheeks. “Finally, you did something right.”

“Okay, thanks mom. way to make me feel like a loser.”

“No, no, no. No son of mine is a loser if he could right all his wrongs. I’ll leave you two love birds alone. This is the best news I have in awhile.” She teases as her gaze lovingly falls onto the object that just unlock a whole new life for her son.

Happiness can’t even begin to cover the mutual feeling share by mother and son as they gaze upon your drowsy form, matching smile on both their lips. Mrs. Kim rub circle on her son’s back, a mother’s comfort, letting him know that no matter what, Hanbin will always have her full support. A few more minutes of chatting and Mrs. Kim bid farewell to a still giddy Hanbin. Unlike her usual calm facade, she wears a bright smile on her lips, tone of voice could barely contain the excitement for the future of her growing family. 

“Mom, can you keep this a secret for a little while longer? I just want to have this moment between me and her for a bit… You know how everyone gets with the congratulations, and the questions, and the blah blah blah.” Hanbin muses over with his mom snuggle close under his arm as the pair saunter to the exit.

“Of course. It’s your news to share, take as much time as you two need. Lord know you both need some peace and quiet time to yourself. The last few months had been stormy and tumultuous to say the least.” Hanbin’s mom sigh rather than a heavy breath, it was filled with relief that the struggle had passed for her dear son and soon to be official daughter because let’s face it, you had always been a daughter in her eyes. 

“Thanks, mama. The Mrs. and I appreciate your discretion.” Hanbin grins widely, catching himself letting the new term flowing off his tongue so easily.

“Look at you, already speaking like a true married man. Don’t worry about anything, alright. Just take time to ease back into this. Now I don’t claim to have the most perfect marriage in the world. Close, but not quite.” Mrs. Kim chuckles a bit at her own boastfulness. “ Marriage aren’t always going to be a walk in the park and it shouldn’t be. You’ll fight, you’ll cry, sometimes things will be thrown but at the end of the night, never go to sleep angry at each other. After all the glitz and glamour of the world fade away, your partner is all you really have. Even your children will leave you someday but your spouse won’t. You both are about to embark on the longest journey of your lives so don’t feel like you need to rush because of other people. Who care what other people think and say about your relationship, as long as you’re content with yourself, that’s all that matter. Take all the time in the world until it feels right.”

With a parting hug, Hanbin watches as his mom drive off into the distant, nodding to himself, engraving her every word into his mind. Still stuck in cloud 9, he found himself just staring at the spot that his mom had parked a few moments ago before jerking out of his day dream. You’re waiting for him in the room and finally, finally he can just run in and pull you into his arms. No one can ever take you away from him, ever again. He has to right to be a smug bastard about being the only man in your life that could kiss you good morning and snuggle you at night. It’s all beginning to sink in faster than an anchor dropping at sea now that he has a moment of complete silent to think. You’re his fiancee. No joke, you’re really his forever. Internally freaking out, Hanbin screams off the top of his lung a loud cheer of happiness. His voice echoing through the empty parking structure with all its might, drawing attention to the now red as a tomato boy. He bows apologetically for disturbing everyone’s peace as he tear off into the hospital once more. Swinging the door wide open, he’s just stand there grinning at your still serene body curling up on the bed. 

“Baby, time to get ready to go home.” He sinks his weight onto the bed just next to you, pressing a big kiss onto your cheek and watches as you stir in your sleep.

“Hmm?” You response sleepily and Hanbin couldn’t help but giggle at your cat liked nature, curling up in a ball while pawing his pestering hands away.

“Let’s go home, sweetheart. You can rest more at home. I won’t get yell at for sleeping with you there.”

“Just a few more minutes, Mr. I’m tired.” You groan, rolling over to the other side of the bed to avoid his pestering. Sighing loudly, Hanbin mumbles a defeated “What am I going to do with you” before falling onto the bed, ignoring the nagging of his mind that he might get in trouble with the mean nurse again. You grin in happiness of just how much of a softie Hanbin gets around you as he snuggles close, spooning you tightly from behind.

“You know…” Hanbin suddenly speaks up, arms tighten even further around your body. “I’ve spent so many nights just sitting there, staring at this ring and wonder about the what ifs and could’ve been. I never thought this moment would be possible.” The gentleness of his voice like the most expensive tickling of ivories in your ears as his fingers ghost over your own, thumb rubbing the back of your hand delicately. “I didn’t think us was ever going to happen again but here I am with my beautiful fiancee in my arms. I think anything is possible, wouldn’t you agree?” That playful tone, he’s up to his cheeky business and you’ll be damned if you don’t join in.

“Hmm, rightly so.” You quip, taking your chance to glance back at the lovestruck boy with the glistening smile on his lips.

“So I think, if my beautiful fiancee… God, I’ll never get tired of saying that…” He pauses for a moment before a soft peck graces you. “If my girl wants another 10 minutes of sleep, that’s the least I can do right?” He jests with a small giggle, leaving you rolling your eyes at his ever unpredictable mood change.

“hmm… ‘s that right?” You yawn lazily, pulling the blanket over your shoulders before fluttering shut your eyes once again.

“Yea. You know, it’ll take me at least 10 minutes to finish the rest of your paperwork, pulling the car up, moving your luggage into the car, wait for the nurse to get a wheelchair… 20 minutes even. This way you get a few extra minutes of napping and I don’t get yell at.” He exclaims enthusiastically as if he had just found the solution to world hunger. “SEE! I am so husband material. Compromise is the key to marriage, I’ve been told. If only my VP and the board of directors see me now.” He hisses, no doubt rolling his eyes at all his employees, dreaming about sassing them on compromising 101. “And they say I don’t know how to compromise because I’m stubborn as a bull.” 

“Is that what it is, compromising? I think you’re so whipped for me that you’ll do anything. It’s okay, Mr. Let’s go home before we both get yell at cause let’s face it, if we do, I’m using my sick patient in the hospital card and throwing you under the bus.” You feign a few small coughs and he rolls his eyes for the blatant betrayal already even before you tie the knot.

“Shhh. It’s compromising for my lovely wife, okay? And no can do, Mrs. Lay back down. I made my plan and I will see it through.” Honestly at this point, you’re wide awake but decided to entertain his playful antic anyways. After all this time, he deserves some joy, especially deserve to have his way with you back. Truly, you really just want to soak in all that attention he has to give even if all the days after, you’d be side by side until time dies. You watch as he fumbles off the bed, limbs tangled in the blanket before he shoots you a teasing wink and huffs off down the hall to the nurse station. 

The gentle heat of a blush creeping onto your cheeks at the realization that Hanbin is yours, for all eternity, it will be just you and him. Finally you could watch him walk away without feeling your heart being tear apart and it’s the best feeling in the world. Whatever happens now, you know your dear husband will surely shield you from it all as you vow to protect his heart for as long as you both shall live. Whatever happens now you can breathe easy knowing never again will either of you walk along the shadow path of loneliness and that’s enough for you. Whatever happens now, just Hanbin will be enough. 

Part 1 | Part 2