#the unending realization that it's never gonna end

[aromantisk-fagforening]

The gun song by car seat headrest

an excerpt plus a drawing (criticism welcome, I rarely draw furry art). Image description in alt text.

[the-uninformed-zennial]

So, uh, Fable ended.

And now I’m gonna be sappy on main.

I started watching Fable about half a year before I started being active in the fandom, around the time I started falling in love with my partner @hoardingpuffin . Watching Rae and Caspian’s relationship develop was actually part of what helped me realize that the things I was feeling for them were romantic and not just platonic. Surprisingly enough, that’s just the beginning of the profound effect Fable had on me.

I had never really interacted with fandom spaces before Fable. But when I caught up with lore sometime in November 2022, I decided to join the discord. It was a crazy place. Being someone who’d never really been in a server before I was completely overwhelmed and nervous, so I didn’t interact much for the first month or so.

Then I discovered that, despite the incredible love for the project, no one had made a “which character are you?” Quiz yet, so, I decided to fuck it and make one myself. The response I got to that was unlike any I had seen before. I was getting pinged weeks afterwards with people’s results and it made me really happy to see how much my work was appreciated by everyone in the community. It got me thinking about other ways I might be able to give back.

Then, as you all know, the stream “Call” and it’s partner “Response” came out on Ghosty and HeyHay’s channels. I’d been feeling so similarly to the two characters, dealing with my long distance relationship with Puffin. So, I took those feelings and the words Heyhay and Ghosty had used to convey them for their characters and put them into a song.

And then something insane happened.

Everyone liked it. Like, everyone liked it. This crappy recording I made at 2 AM suddenly got hundreds and then thousands of views when I put it on SoundCloud and YouTube. It was insane. I had written some songs before, but they’d always been ridiculed, so having a large group of people like the fable community enjoy something that I wrote was absolutely insane to me, and it encouraged me to make more.

I found myself being inspired by the characters in fable, connecting with different storylines or sentences said on streams. I found myself writing songs, one after another after another.  At one point I was writing a song a week for a period of about three months. I had never experienced this amount of raw creativity before, but every time I put a new song out, I only got encouraged to make more.

And then people started to ask me when I was going to put them on Spotify. And that was another moment that everything changed. I realized if I was gonna put these out there in such an official way I didn’t want it to just be a bunch of crappy recorded singles. So I needed to make an album.

That was something I had never considered doing before. I knew nothing about music editing or sound mixing. Up until that point all of my songs had been made on GarageBand at 2 AM with very little editing or mixing going into them. So, I started saving for a real music editing program and within a few months I got there.

Then came the actual making of the album. I took a few months off in the summer and just dove headfirst into it. Every spare moment I wasn’t modding for the Sherbathon, or the discord, or streaming my own lore, was spent working on those songs. And while looking back now I wish I knew what I know now about music editing, I’m so glad I did what I did. Putting that album out, seeing how you all responded to it… it made me realize that this is something I love, something that I don’t have to wait for someone else’s permission or teaching to do.

This fandom is the reason I’m a musical artist and that is something I don’t think I will ever be able to express the importance of enough.



As much as I could talk about the unending support and encouragement I received from the wonderful cast members throughout my experience making the album, or how being given the role of mod on the fandom discord taught me so much about how to be a creator in my own right, or even the amazing experience I had being able to make songs for the lore. When it comes right down to it, it was the community, cast and all, that impacted my life in the profound way it has been. So thank you, each and every one of you, whether you are a cast member, a fan, a fellow mod, or even just someone who streamed a song you didn’t have any context for. Thank you for changing my life, for giving me the encouragement to pursue my dreams.

Thank you Fable SMP cast, crew, and community 💕

[omghallucinations]

charts that made me go "oh boy": stray kids lee know

ok. well. i've been on a journey.

i was innocently inputting idols with known birth times into my astro software as i do and i put this guy in and said "oh... oh boy..." out loud so obviously i decided to do a write-up

i finished this write-up. realized i was bias wrecked all to hell. so. there u go. let this be a warning to you all. be careful whose chart you analyze because you could end up with a Problem!!

unrelated (related) i just love a sagittarius moon. my favorite moon there is. some people love a taurus moon, fair, valid (also lee know has his moon in the 2nd which is basically a layer of taurusy vibe) but i love a sagittarius moon most of all. those guys are crazy (affectionate). you cannot kill them in any way that matters. truly understand the inherent hilariousness of life... .. somehow can always see through the illusions of capitalism... i love them.

who is this anaretic degree ass

girl how many important degrees... do u need... ... i have two 29s and one 0 in my chart and i thought that was a lot...

lee know has both venus and neptune at 29 (and venus at 29.59 which is, wow old soul ready to get the hell off this lawn much?). the anaretic degree is the "fated degree"--it's like, your soul has just about mastered this energy and is about to take it somewhere else (bc the next degree is not 30, it's 0 of the next sign) so it's time for some TESTS. it's crises and gifts. often you're naturally good at this energy in whatever form that takes, but it's gonna fuck with you on and off throughout your life. more during the first half to be fair. especially with that 0 degree saturn, he'll probably be in way better shape after his saturn return.

venus at 29(.59?!?!) in libra -- ok i also have venus at 29 (.09!), so i can tell you that he never has to be single if he doesn't want to be, but it is not gonna go right for a long ass time and he's gonna be weird and intense about relationships and it will not feel good. he might think it is going right. he is wrong. get ready for some gifts but ALSO some crises with love and creativity and beauty and shit--especially with venus at home in libra and his scorpio rising. he's definitely captivating, and can probably bamboozle whoever he wants with his beauty and charm, but his crisis and urgency feeling in love is probably a Whole Lot both for him and for his partners. and it's in the 12th house like.. .. . oh boy honey. he's gonna hide his need for love and validation and his sensitivity so hard. also literally his relationships (and they'll probably be undefined for a long time) despite the fact that every one is gonna be so intense.

it's also opposite his 0 degree saturn????? girl!! and conjunct his sun also in the 12th... .. . . . well at least you are so beautiful and charming and generous, lee know, and everyone really likes you. i know u issues and tremendous sensitivity that you hide like crazy and probably a judgmental family member (who probably means well, unfortunately!) whose influence burdens u even now as u feel like there are somehow always Forces Working Against You for no reason! even tho u just gotta Believe In Yourself dot mp3.....

bright side! when he works through some of this stuff he's very likely gonna have a very solid and mature marriage and he already has sort of a maturity leg-up, thank u saturn in taurus and juno conjunct sun. eventually you will look back on the many unhinged texts you sent at 2am and laugh... . .. more than you already do, you sagittarius moon, you!!

neptune at 29 capricorn in the 3rd house -- hahahaha welcome to crises and gifts around dreams, illusions, secrets, delusions, etc. and make it capricorn: old soul vibes, anxiety, not gonna settle until later in life. in the 3rd house: dreams and illusions with gemini vibes, unending curiosity, brain running at 300 all day all night, so many Thoughts. hm. does he have adhd (inattentive subtype)???he's super creative and iconoclastic but he may be doing a lot of talking and not a lot of... doing. it's also a weird mood to have the fanciful dreams planet in the harsh reality sign, there's conflict inherent there. (oh lord, neptune is square venus and saturn with a 0 orb??? t-square??? bro??? lee know did ur parents or teachers or society crush ur dreams??? do you now crush your own dreams urself in advance to avoid disappointment??? do u think you can either have love or success and not both???)

(i can fix him!! wait.)

lunar nodes at 29 (NN in Leo in the 10th, SN in Aquarius in the 4th) -- lol this plus his 29.59 venus, his soul is Ready to Move On from these lessons hahaha, luckily his career really reflects his soul growth shit--moving away from his comfort zone of being a semi-reclusive iconoclastic weirdo with depressive tendencies who stays at home and moving towards self expression, celebration of himself and creativity in his career/a public space. he is gonna have a lot of crises about this though, since the south node is still really important and you shouldn't abandon it, it's ur foundation. he's gonna have questions like what does "be yourself" even mean??? how public is too public? how private is too private? what if i Fail, Publicly??? what if i don't put myself out there enough???

(he probably does not put himself out there enough, because of the relationship between his nodes, saturn, venus and his 12th house sun--but he should!! fight for your opportunities king!!)

(if u do not already have a therapist, lee know, please... get a therapist... it will help u.... i swear....)

we're still not done with degrees for some reason

saturn at 0 degrees taurus in the 6th house: another #same, my saturn is also at 0 degrees!! ateez jongho is another one with a 0 degree saturn, it's a very strong aura no matter what. any planet at 0 is fresh and new and EXCITED TO BE THERE and depending on aspects etc it will almost always express the energy of the planet in that sign real... loud... and real... vibrantly... ... .. without much nuance... for better or worse. this doesn't have to be a straightforward manifestation of the sign, sometimes it's wonky, but either way it's just a lot of Pure Sign and Planet Energy.

saturn is a more outer planet, so normally the sign its in is more of a light flavor and the much more important thing is the aspects and the house its in. if saturn is at 0, scratch that whole sentence

saturn in taurus is really. really clear in lee know's personality, tbh even to someone who only knows him from his professional activities. like. startlingly. i see her. saturn is a force for maturity, lessons, responsibility, discipline, structure, practicality, actual real physical life not the idea of life, and in taurus it's going. home. bye. the taurus jumps out. he's not too fussed about how much attention he's getting, or how much center time, he never jumps in ego-first. in the sixth house of work daily life and virgo vibes he's just gonna do what he's gotta do and get it done. solid, mature, grounded, no celebrity disease in sight, really a nice counterpoint to the kinda manic romance he's got going on in the 12th that would unhinge him from reality in many ways if it weren't for saturn

sixth house also gives some health stuff, some virgo vibes, can be critical. he might have or have had some health probs, or he may have them in future if he isn't super careful

taurus in the sixth to me gives apartment rooftop garden, beloved pets (6th house is the small animals house :)), dependable cornerstone at work but leaves at 5pm sharp because he wants to GO HOME. he's not gonna do more than he has to do because that's #stupid and he's not #stupid. he's not lazy at all he uses exactly the amount of energy he needs to and no more, again, because he's not dumb. vibes. icon. comfort. ease. chilling out.

he probably can really cut you deep if he wants to (especially with his chart ruler being his super specific and critical virgo mars in the 10th), luckily he doesn't care enough most of the time

(being mean in a funny way does not count, because of his aforementioned sagittarius moon and various gemini/virgo influences, it's the way he expresses affection!)

party (?) in his first house

idk i think a lot of idols have stuff in their first house, more proportionally than most people, which makes sense for their whole...situation. anyway. his first house has:

scorpio mercury: fun!! anything in your first house is gonna color the rest of your chart, almost like another layer to your rising. for example ateez hongjoong and (g)idle soyeon are both capricorn risings with uranus and neptune in the first house, so they're not regular capricorn risings, they're capricorn-aquarius-pisces risings. with mercury in there lee know gets a fun gemini/virgo flavor to his life path/vibe. he's gonna be chattier, funnier, externally wittier than most scorpio risings, more similar to a gemini or virgo rising in that way. it really is his cross of Sexy Intense Head Bitch You Shouldn't Cross but also Head Silly Yapper. his mercury is widely conjunct his ascendant, so the gemini/virgo/communication focus comes across strongly.

he's smart and curious and can talk anyone into anything at any time. it's another thing in his chart that chills out the sort of. self-serious Drama of scorpio placements (she said, scorpio moonly). mercury is zany!! and can really think itself into all sorts of interesting places (anxiety vortex? deluluville? why not both???)

scorpio chiron: well ya can't have it all. he has some pain and wounds around his own identity and place in the world as well as his soul-need for independence and self-assertion. it's complicated for him to Be Himself and with scorpio he probably has some past life shit here (in addition to his many heavily karmic 29 degree placements, let's all say thank you god for giving him a sagittarius moon and mercury in the 1st house)

sagittarius pluto: power. magnetism. take the usual power of a scorpio rising and crank it up to 20. also he has a temper under the calm, methodical taurus saturn and also thinks he's right 100% of the time. and he has some deep feelings and can empathize with the suffering of others! most importantly his past life stuff has been rooted in the search for identity and place in the world and he finds unconscious security in independence and his ability to assert himself, probably extra complicated for his 29 degree libra venus who craves union with another! lol!

this is honestly only just scratching the surface (just like any chart interpretation) but i gotta stop!! unfortunately i've been bias wrecked by an astrological chart. embarrassing as hell!!

[anonymouspuzzler]

awright who let puzz play psychonauts again and start Thinking

It Never Ends! I am once again thinking about Psychonauts and specifically thinking about Loboto. Even More Specifically, I replayed the first game Yet Again recently and on hitting the scene where Loboto removes Dogen’s brain, had a moment of “huh, he’s like, way more measured and composed than I remembered,” and God Help Me that sent me on a horrible unending spiral of Revisiting and Thinking About and Theorizing On Things. And Now You Must All Read My Discoveries As Well. (placed under readmore because 1) this is gonna get long and 2) my god there will be major spoilers for Every Psychonauts Game.)

Welcome To The Thunderdome. Let’s Begin. In particular I am going to present to and discuss with you Three Distinct Things I Am Thinking About Loboto Based On In-Game Evidence That I Will Extrapolate, Present, and Argue To You All:

Cal’s childhood lobotomy did not, in fact, remove his psychic powers, only cut off his ability to consciously access and utilize them. He is still unconsciously using psychic abilities at the point that we see him in the games.

One of the most prominent impacts of the lobotomy on Cal appears to be his inability to recognize when he is doing harm, and to a certain related degree, how to interpret other peoples’ responses to him. When Raz helps recover his “moral compass”, Loboto actually becomes significantly more unstable as he struggles to process this, having likely gone most of his life without these capabilities.

Both of the above are causing some variant of Mental Projection to occur in Loboto’s mind, creating multiple conflicting archetypes/personas similar to what’s happening in Cassie’s mind.

So let’s go through each of these one by one! In excruciating detail!!

1) Cal’s childhood lobotomy did not, in fact, remove his psychic powers, only cut off his ability to consciously access and utilize them. He is still unconsciously using psychic abilities at the point that we see him in the games.

So for this one, we’re going to go through my evidence from “most textual” to “a little more speculative” in roughly that order. Obviously, none of this is explicit, but I’m doing my damndest to use things that can be fairly reasonably cited from Actual In Game rather than too deep in fanon/speculation.

The most textual example of Loboto having lingering psychic abilities despite his lobotomy is, in fact, his mental world in Psychonauts 2! This is something that’s a little more obvious on a rewatch/replay.

When you’re going through the game/level the first time, Sasha especially spends a lot of time discussing how Loboto’s mind must have been booby-trapped and messed with by his employer, because otherwise Loboto wouldn’t be able to resist the construct and otherwise give the agents the degree of run-around he’s putting them through. On a first playthrough, that makes perfect sense, especially when this plus additional evidence leads the agents to conclude Loboto’s employer was a mole within the Psychonauts itself. Obviously, a psychic from the agency messed with Loboto’s head and left all these psychic booby-traps for their coworkers!

But once you reach the end of the game and go back and look at this again, you realize, hey, wait. Loboto’s boss wasn’t a psychic at all! Quite explicitly!

Now I’m going to take a moment to argue against my own argument here, because there is evidence that Gristol would have been able to psychically fuck with Loboto despite not having psychic abilities himself.

[Image ID: A screenshot from a cutscene in Psychonauts 2, showing the receptionist at the Motherlobe levitating a ThinkerPrint Reader (a small brain-shaped disc with a blue glowing eye symbol in the middle). End ID.]

We see in-game that these little brain-disc-things - which Gristol would have had access to via Truman, since Truman has one on his person - are able to provide some limited degree of psychic power even to people who don’t otherwise have those abilities. Namely, the front desk receptionist is able to telekinetically lift one and scan Raz with it when he arrives, despite dialogue later on suggesting she isn’t a psychic herself. It’s entirely possible Gristol used that to fuck with Loboto’s head and place all those psychic booby traps.

But ho ho!! Now I’m going to counter-argue this counter-argument, to get you all back on board with my original argument!! Because despite this possibility, it’s also pretty textual that Gristol is a fuck-up who’s not very good at planning. The entirety of Psychonauts 2 is a display of him not really having any back-up plans for any possible hiccups in his original plan (as soon as Lili reveals a boyfriend he didn’t know about, his response is Fake A Coma), and of said plan being undone mostly by his own sloppy work (shipping his own body back to the base in a poorly-taped box with a key to his former residence in his pockets). The thought of this same man having the capability and foresight to set up numerous highly effetive psychic booby-traps in the brain of his hired help, just in case that hired help got captured and psychically interrogated… it doesn’t feel likely.

(Now that I write it all out, in a lot of ways it feels like Gristol just… forgot about-slash-disregarded Loboto after he did the dirty work of kidnapping Truman and swapping the brains. Like, he only appears once in Gristol’s Big Special Mind-Ride of his Brilliant Plan, at the very end, in a barely-held-together-backroom type of area, and Gristol never so much as brings him up by name. Heck, in retrospect, I wouldn’t be surprised if Gristol deciding to Play Coma was equally as prompted by Guy Who Knows Everything, Who He Completely Disregarded and Left For Dead, falling out of a luggage rack unexpectedly right in front of him and Five Guys He's Trying To Fool Into Thinking He's Normal All The Time Truman. This is all totally off the topic at hand, though.)

Anyway! So Gristol being able to do anything significant and sophisticated vis-a-vis “psychic traps in Loboto’s mindscape” is wildly unlikely. While there’s still other possible explanations - Gristol maybe having other psychics in his employ in the Delugianaries or secret police, for example - that’s purely speculative and not supported by the text in any kind of reasonably-explicit way, which is what I’m trying to focus on for the purposes of this argument. Hey, you know what is explicit in the text, though? Loboto once having psychic powers, to a degree that he was using telekinesis Very Capably as a Literal Infant. That, combined with all the above evidence (plus other circumstantial stuff we’ll get into in a second), means the most likely answer to “how is Loboto resisting the agents and the mental construct?” is “his psychic powers are still There, and acting subconsciously to protect Loboto in this situation, even though he’s no longer able to access and use those powers by conscious effort”.

Now let’s get to evidence of a “still textual, but not as compelling” flavor. For this, we’re going to go back to the original Psychonauts, and also touch on Rhombus of Ruin a bit.

As some of y’all probably remember from messing around in the original game, because there’s still some of that point-and-click inventory flavor, you can try to use the psycho-portal on characters that don’t have mental worlds, and you’ll get some flavor text explaining in some form or another why you can’t do that. This includes Crispin (you get a note from Loboto saying he’s protected “his patient” from psychic procedures, Haha Hey Man Uhhh How Did Y), Sheegor, and most pressingly for this line of argument, Loboto himself, who claims his shower cap is protecting his mind from being entered.

This Is All Well and Good until Literally The Next Day In-Universe when his mind is able to be entered. Twice, in fact. Please recall that the start of Psychonauts 2 is, at a stretch, maybe a few hours after Rhombus of Ruin. (“Haha well Puzz clearly they just retconned it so they could do a Loboto mental world–” no. That’s not Fun and it’s not Text. This overthinking-ass essay is about Engaging With The Text As It Stands.)

So what’s different about the first time Raz (et all) attempts to enter Loboto’s mind (in the original game) and the second-slash-third time (during and after Rhombus of Ruin)? Nothing that would particularly have an impact, except for one big thing: in the latter cases, Loboto is either “immediately in the presence of” or “has just barely left the immediate presence of” Like A Lot Of Psilirium. You Know. The Rock That Dampens Psychic Powers. Which leads me to believe Loboto’s psychic powers are still active, just in an unconscious way (protecting him from psychic invasion without him even realizing it) instead of in a way he has to consciously act on.

Now, why am I categorizing this as less compelling evidence than Loboto resisting the mental construct later on? Because unlike that case, there actually is a reasonable, textual alternative to the answer of “yeah Loboto’s still unconsciously psychic”. The answer is named Coach Morceau Oleander.

Unlike Gristol, Oleander has a lot going for him on the level of “could fuck with Loboto’s mind a bit to put up some psychic defenses”. For one, Oleander is a psychic, and despite everything, a highly trained and very powerful one. (Like, much as he’s kind of a goofy fuck-up, Oleander’s also implied to have been an agent for at least as long as Sasha and Milla, and he’s able to hold his own in a fight against both of them at once - it literally takes Ford flying in and de-braining him to win that confrontation.) Two, we already have textual evidence of Oleander messing with people’s brains to his own ends, in the form of both Linda (though in some ways that could loop back around to supporting Loboto Is Still Psychic, since he seems to have had some degree of a hand in that) and more prominently, poor ol’ Boyd. If he was able to do that much involuntarily with Boyd, it doesn’t seem out of the question for him to hop in and put up some psychic defenses for more voluntary subjects like Crispin and Loboto. It would also make sense for those defenses to either wear down or wear off once Loboto was in the presence of Psilirium, thus continuing to explain why Loboto’s protected in the first game but not in any of the games following.

So - taken on its own, not particularly decisive evidence. In combination with the much-stronger “resisting the mental construct” example, though, I’d say it presents a pretty strong case.

Now comes my most tenuous and speculative example. This is about as much as a stretch I’m going to let myself go with any of these - a case of “well you can extrapolate this from the text provided, I guess, even if it never says it explicitly to any kind of degree”.

Ladies, gentlemen, and those rightfully opting out. It is time to talk about Loboto’s Fucking Prosthetic.

[Image ID: A full rotation of Loboto’s “Monstroboto” character model, which shows him shirtless with the full prosthetic right arm visible. It is attached to his torso with several straps and has a single visible hinge at the elbow.]

Look at this thing. This is a fucking mannequin arm with a pepper grinder on it. How Is This Thing Able To Operate With Any Kind of Sophistication Without Telekinesis. Like, the man is gesticulating and grabbing objects and tapping his little knife fingers, how in the Hell.

There’s a lot of reasons this is tenuous evidence at best. For one, we only get this super clear view of the entire prosthetic construction inside Loboto’s mind, which means it’s extremely possible it’s abstracted, metaphorical, or an abstracted metaphor in one form or another. (I don’t interpret Loboto’s exposed brain as textual in the “real world” for this reason - we only ever see it exposed in his mental worlds, and in both cases in a scenario where him having an exposed brain under the cap serves some kind of symbolic/metaphorical purpose - but for several reasons, the prosthetic feels more grounded in reality despite this. Anyway, that’s all a tangent regardless.) There could also be hidden mechanics that allow it to move the way it does, or it could just be an abstraction of the art style (though again, I’m trying not to let out-of-story things like that be answers to these questions). But it’s really hard to imagine the Hinged Peppermill With Claws having the range of movement it does without Loboto unconsciously moving it with telekinesis.

For that matter, I feel similarly about his eye lenses - we see them moving around independently, zooming in and out without him touching them, and so on, and like… how? How?? Maybe it’s just that I’m not biomechanically minded-slash-informed, but “yeah he’s just moving them psychically without realizing” does feel like a more viable answer than any alternatives, if not one with a ton of super obvious and textual evidence behind it. Once again, though, in combination with other evidence, it does have more weight behind it.

In summary: Loboto’s able to resist psychic interference, actively fight back against trained Psychonauts in his own mind, and move his various prosthetics and augments in highly refined ways. All these things, especially taken all together, make the most sense if you assume his psychic powers are still acting subconsciously, and he’s just not able to consciously access and use them in the ways he did pre-lobotomy.

2) One of the most prominent impacts of the lobotomy on Cal appears to be his inability to recognize when he is doing harm, and to a certain related degree, how to interpret other peoples’ responses to him. When Raz helps recover his “moral compass”, Loboto actually becomes significantly more unstable as he struggles to process this, having likely gone most of his life without these capabilities.

This is going to be a little less “I cite direct evidence in support of my argument” and more “I point out specific scenes and instances of behavior, how I’m interpreting them, and why I’m interpreting that way”. Hopefully you will stick with me here.

So, as I stated waaaay back at the start of this, what set me off on this whole journey was going back through some of the original Psychonauts cutscenes, seeing Loboto in action, and going, “Woah, hey, he’s like way more measured than I remembered him being”. So let’s go into more detail on that and unpack it a bit!!

There’s a consistent and distinct pattern of behavior Loboto exhibits in his scenes in the first game: screeching, in-your-face Mad Scientist rambling, and then suddenly, these dips into like… oddly quiet, composed, weirdly Professional (if decidedly eccentric) behavior. The cutscenes with Dogen are a really good example - he has his big INSANITY OF A MANATEE THIS WILL ONLY HURT TILL YOUR BRAIN COMES FLYING OUT speech, but in-between and especially after that, he kind of quiets down and starts acting like an Actual Slightly Eccentric Dentist. (In fact, here’s the full transcript of the scene that sent me down this whole rabbit-hole, for context:

Dr. Loboto: Oh, good boy! There's that pesky brain. Here's a tissue. Now don't you feel better, my dear lad? Dogen: [Now brainless] TV..? Dr. Loboto: Of course! Right here. [Loboto picks up Dogen's brain off the floor.] And THIS bad tooth, we'll just drop it in the ol' garbage chute. Now don't chew solid foods for the next six hours!

It really knocked me off balance seeing it, so I made a point of going and watching the full Lili’s bracelet clairvoyance cutscene in full, to see if he behaved similarly there. And he didn’t! He’s full Mad Scientist Haha Crazy there, the entire time!! I had to think on it for a while, and I realized there was one major difference - Lili continues to be defiant and difficult in conversation the entire time, while Dogen responds pretty calmly and doesn’t start freaking out until it’s clear His Brain Will Be Removed, which is also when Loboto starts going more Mad Scientist again. (Again, below’s the full transcript of the Lili scene for context.)

Dr. Loboto: Well, I've reviewed your chart, little girl. The bad news is, we're going to have to remove your brain... strap it into an armored battle tank, and have it shoot down innocent civilians with its concentrated psychic death beam! Lili: I'm gonna kill you so much. Dr. Loboto: The good news is that your insurance is going to cover the whole thing. So! ... Hey, is it getting warm in here? Lili: No, I'm trying to set you on fire through this stupid hat! Dr. Loboto: What a delightfully mean little brain you have! Just what we want! Here, do me a favor. Tell me if this smells like... YOUR DOOM! Heh heh! Lili: I-I can't smell anything. Dr. Loboto: Curses! [Lili laughs at him] You're a stubborn little ball of phlegm, ain't ya? Well, that head cold won't protect you forever, little girl, and when it's gone you'll be sneezing a different tune. A tune in the key of... brains! HAAA HA HA!

His last big cutscene with Sheegor really hammers everything home. He’s full Mad Scientist again, he’s screaming and experimenting and Actively Threatening and Tormenting Her the entire time. Then Sheegor leaves and just, measured and nonchalant as anything: “When you're a dentist, you have to learn to have a sense of humor, you know. It helps to calm the patient down.” (It’s also worth noting a lot of the torment, at least to me, comes off as kinda “dipshit older sibling who commits to the bit of teasing Way Way Past where it’s all in good fun for the younger sibling”. Like he just keeps Going and Playfully Backing Off and then Actually Still Going. It’s so awful it loops around to being funny again. I'm so so sorry Sheegor I love you and you don't deserve this but I am laughing)

I think Loboto really, unironically, genuinely thinks this is what he’s doing in all these situations. He’s a dentist, he’s got all these difficult patients around, so he’s going to joke with them! A bit of friendly teasing and playing up his eccentric behavior to get them to calm down for the procedure! At the point where all this is happening, I think he’s genuinely incapable of comprehending-slash-accepting that he’s actually doing harm and that they’re actually, rightfully scared of him. Not in a like “oh uwu he didn’t know he did anything bad he’s just a nice guyyyy” way, but in a “his brain is literally, textually, physically damaged in such a way that he cannot comprehend this” way. As far as he can tell, he’s doing some freelance dentistry (plus or minus a few things, you know how it is when you’re doing work-for-hire type stuff, you never know what the client’s gonna ask you for) and sometimes he’s gotta joke around when he gets a patient that’s nervous or difficult. All in good fun!

Then, of course, we get Rhombus of Ruin and the mental compass. If you’ve played or watched that game, you know all this already. Raz recovers the mental compass from the vault and Loboto’s demeanor completely shifts again. He recognizes aloud, for the first time since we’ve been introduced to him, that he has done Horrible Things. (We will see him continuing to do this in his level in Psychonauts 2, but we’ll get to that.) He seems, very genuinely, saddened and horrified with himself as he says all this. Raz has very literally reintroduced Physical-Slash-Psychic Capacity To Recognize Harm to Loboto’s brain. Given what we learn about Loboto’s past here, it is very much possible that this is the first time he has had this capability since he was a very young child.

Another thing that happens is, in rapid succession, Loboto chooses to Immediately Make Reconciliatory Actions (releasing the Psychonauts, telling the fish henchmen to leave), and then also Blow The Building Up Right Now. For No Clear Reason. For Zero Benefit, In Fact, The Opposite Of Benefit, He Also Has to Frantically Escape This Now. It’s completely illogical, erratic behavior that’s in conflict with itself. And that pattern… kind of stays consistent from that point out, actually! Almost his entire appearance in 2 is him very literally arguing with himself, acting in erratic and conflicting ways - pretty much going to the Psychonauts for protection and redemption yet also actively giving them the run-around and preventing them from finding his boss; alternately trying to connect with or get pity from the agents, then being aggressive or insulting towards them, then being kind of playfully, teasingly antagonistic at worst. While Raz reintroducing his moral compass is probably objectively a good thing for Loboto in the long run, in the short-term having that level of major, major change in his damaged brain seems to have significantly destabilized his behavior and sense of identity (we’ll get into that in just a moment) in ways that make him much less predictable and more erratic compared to how he was pre-RoR.

In summary: Loboto at the time of the original Psychonauts is eccentric and dangerous, but he’s also consistent and stable in his behavior and identity, acting consistently as a freelance dentist who plays up his eccentricity, teasing or otherwise joking around in an effort to “calm down” his “patients”. It’s likely he’s physically unable to comprehend that he’s doing harm and scaring people, due to the brain damage from his childhood lobotomy. Raz reintroducing his moral compass in Rhombus of Ruin fixes this, but makes Loboto much more unstable and unpredictable as he grapples both with the harm he’s done over the years, and with trying to suddenly live with a brain function he hasn’t had for most of his life.

3) Both of the above are causing some variant of Mental Projection to occur in Loboto’s mind, creating multiple conflicting archetypes/personas similar to what’s happening in Cassie’s mind.

In connection with the above, It’s Time To Talk About the Multiple Lobotos.

[Image ID: A screenshot from Psychonauts 2, showing two Lobotos in his mental world - one in bright light sitting in a dentist chair on the right side, the other standing in the shadows on the left. End ID.]

Every time we see Loboto’s mental world, there are multiple distinct, individual, and simultaneous versions of Loboto Himself in operation. Not different and distinctly individual personalities, like Fred and Napoleon. Not separated alter-egos representing a part of oneself, like Edgar and El Odio, or Bob and Turnip-Bob. Not even fragmented personalities that appear one at a time, like the different versions of Ford. There are multiple versions of Loboto that are Just A Loboto - literally the most different they get is “one time one of them pretended to be a whaler” - operating at the same time as each other, in the same scenes as each other, interacting with each other, sometimes in direct opposition to each other. There is only one other place in the entire series where we see this happening.

[Image ID: A screenshot from Psychonauts 2, showing the “librarian” Archetype of Cassie O’Pia tearing up a book with Raz on the left side and her three other Archetypes on the right. End ID.]

THAT’S RIGHT BABY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS I FINALLY RETROACTIVELY FOUND AN EXPLANATION FOR THE CALLY O’PIA AU anyway where was I. Yeah.

The way the different versions of Cal operate in his mind and interact with each other is more similar to Cassie’s Archetypes than anything else we see in anyone else’s minds. The only major differences are “Loboto’s Archetypes aren’t flat paper illustrations” (and I think it’s remarkably easy, even reasonable, to assume that’s a Cassie-specific stylization that Raz only retains because Cassie directly teaches him and he’s thus using her Archetypes as a reference point - Cassie’s a writer; what reason would everyone else in the world have to render their Archetypes as if they were illustrations in a book?) and “Loboto doesn’t refer to or treat the other versions of himself as Archetypes” (of course he doesn’t, I don’t see any reason or scenario where he could have reasonably learned about Archetypes, in either a psychological or psychic sense - he literally does not have the knowledge or the language to do this). Honestly, interpreting the different Lobotos as different Archetypes explains a lot about how they act, what they’re doing in Loboto’s mind and why they’re in the parts of the story they are. I am going to talk about each individual version of Loboto and what I think they’re doing Archetype-wise based on the text now, because none of you can stop me.

Psychonauts 2 Loboto #1, AKA Patient Loboto: This guy, and Psychonauts 2 Loboto #2, tie in the most to the above discussion on Loboto becoming more outwardly unstable after recovering his mental compass, and so I’m going to refer back to and expand on that with the both of them. This Loboto is explicitly the one we see in the patient chair during those cutscenes in his level, the one we see speaking to Raz directly in the poster hall section, and I would argue he’s likely the version we see at the very start of the level in the office construct (or at the very least, he's the one "running" Loboto at that point, in the same way the Librarian is "running" Cassie when we first meet her). He’s the version of Loboto we see most blatantly grappling with the return of his mental compass - he regrets the things he’s done in the past, he’s seems to be vying to connect with the agents on some level, he’s genuinely upset about being tricked and about being unable to tell Raz what’s up with his boss. This puts him in direct conflict with…

Psychonauts 2 Loboto #2, AKA Doctor Loboto: This guy is also the result of Loboto’s Newfound Ability To Recognize Morals, but in the opposite direction. He’s the one who’s fully embracing the identity he’s built as an amoral mad-scientist-for-hire, figuring he’s better off just continuing the path he’s already on and disregarding the new knowledge that It’s Wrong, rather than go through all the trouble and misery and Active Risk To Self of trying to Be Redeemed. Basically, he’s the one looking at OG Psychonauts version of Loboto and going What If We Just Went Back To That Actually. Fuck Character Development. He is, obviously, the one we see as the dentist in the cutscenes in Loboto’s level, as well as pretty textually the one who grabs Raz from behind the painting in Lili’s section.

Monstroboto: Back to RoR now! This one’s pretty textual as well - this the uncontrolled, untethered, don’t-know-or-care-if-it-hurts-someone version of Loboto. (As I type this, I realize it’s worth noting, this version of Loboto is very obviously “playing” as he attacks, in the same way I observed Psychonauts 1 Loboto having a playful tone to his antagonism, as if he’s not recognizing that he’s actively hurting and terrifying people while doing so. All his attacks are either that, or actively retaliatory. I'm Simply Saying I Can Read Some Subtext.) Between that and the exposed brain, it’s pretty obvious this is representing the post-lobotomy Loboto (how he sees himself? How he thinks others see him? All that’s speculation, mine friends…) - wreaking havoc on Loboto’s ability to engage with other parts of himself and develop a fully fledged mindscape.

First Mate Loboto: This one’s a little more speculative and could mean a lot of things, but bear with me. As above, this could well be the part of Loboto that wants to distance himself from what he became after the lobotomy - whether that means ignoring it entirely and trying to go back to how things were “before”, or more likely, based on his dialogue, trying to move on and grow past it; “sail for new waters”, in his own words. It’s also possible he’s something of Loboto’s idealized self - he’s just as eccentric and dramatic as the real deal, but at least more theoretically heroic and adventurous - and/or, tying into a lot of the themes of the RoR version of Loboto’s mind, kind of a childish “what I want to be when I grow up” version of himself. (We see lots of nautical themes in Loboto’s childhood, after all, with the sea life toys and the little sailor boy outfit and all; while it’s certainly speculative, it’s not a huge leap to think little Loboto might have wanted to grow up to be like, a sailor or something of that ilk.)

Young Loboto: This one’s pretty obvious; he’s very literally the Inner Child. (You Know. Like Psychology.) Just like Li’l Oly in Oleander’s mind, this is the part of Cal who was Very Hurt when he was Very Young and has never had the means or opportunity to process it - he’s just stuck in that mental vault, buried away, playing out what he’s experienced over and over and over again as a helpless, outside observer. (I think it’s Very telling that Raz releasing the vault and, in essence, establishing a connection between Inner Child Loboto and the other parts of himself is what restores Loboto’s ability to use his moral compass.)

So, in total, we’ve got five distinct Lobotos in play through what we see: Inner Child, First Mate, Monstroboto, Patient and Doctor. And, in a case very similar to what we see of Cassie’s Archetypes, each of these versions of him are a result of a Very Specific Point in his life and a subsequent need to fulfill a Very Specific Purpose for his continued functioning and survival. The Inner Child is, well, Loboto As A Child (and less literally, the version of him that’s kind of holding on to his trauma so the rest of the versions of him don’t necessarily have to reckon with it); Monstroboto is what’s taken over post-lobotomy; First Mate is what he either Wanted or Wants to be and isn’t because of said lobotomy; and Patient and Doctor are the two options he has post-recovering his moral compass, either continuing on the path he’s already on, or abandoning it for the hard road of Trying To Be Better.

And again, much like Cassie, none of those Archetypes on their own are getting the job done on their own. Doctor and Monstroboto are extremely destructive and don’t seem much able to form meaningful relationships because of it, Patient is an erratic coward who’s constantly miserable and collapsing under the weight of What He’s Done, Inner Child is a Child, and First Mate is a cartoon character. It’s very likely that a theoretical healthier, more functional version of Loboto would have to reconcile these different Archetypes the same way we eventually see Cassie do, or at the very least get them on terms where they’re not Actively Opposing Each Other At All Times.

In summary: Loboto has multiple Archetypes active in his mind the same way Cassie does, and much like Cassie, the Archetypes being in conflict with each other plays a major role in his instability, especially post-RoR. Again like Cassie, it’s likely Loboto would have to reconcile his different archetypes - especially the ones in direct conflict, as we see in his mind in Psychonauts 2 - in some form or another to become more mentally stable.

SO IN CONCLUSION, I hope this Rambling Essay and Cited Evidence has convinced you all that:

Loboto is still psychic, but his powers only manifest unconsciously, and he isn’t able to use them by conscious choice as when he was a child. (Whether or not it’s possible for him to eventually re-access those powers consciously is very much a “your guess is as good as mine” situation - Loboto's the only lobotomized psychic we see in the series, and no other in-game sources on the history or results of the practice.)

Regaining his moral compass for the first time since childhood makes Loboto behave significantly more erratically and unpredictably, in no small part because–

Loboto has several mental Archetypes in direct conflict with each other, especially after regaining his moral compass.

What does all this mean? I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know. I just wanted to get all this out of my head. Now it lives in yours instead. Have fun!!

[nebbyy]

I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING

(this is a rant of mine that CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR ASRA'S ROUTE IN THE ARCANA, so read at your own risk)

So, Asra right? My first love interest in the game, the person that basically built my ideal type,.. him.

It is common knowledge in this fandom that his love for the MC is completely unending end unconditional, right?

Well, I might disagree.

This idea came to my mind a few days ago, and from then on I spent my days contemplating life in despair and depression at my realization.

Asra's love IS FUCKED UP and I think it is more of an addiction to the MC rather than pure, unconditional love.

Let me elaborate: first he loses his parents, then he finds Muriel but he still lives in fear of losing him every time he had to fight in the Arena, then he had you, who for about 6 years had stayed by his side, with no signs of leaving anytime soon.

He wanted you all to himself, the only thing that remained stable in his life. That is, until the plague. That's the time where the selfishness of the purpose of his actions really comes to light: he wants everything and everyone to be just as he wants.

I mean, let's face it, no matter how much he might have pleaded and begged you to come with him and leave the city, he still left you there, alone, risking your life,... just so that he could be safe. Screw where you were, he was sure that at the end of it all, you would've still been there, waiting for him.

Because out of all the people in his life, you were the only one that never left

But it all changes when Julian's letter reaches him, and he comes back to Vesuvia. And you're gone.

I really think that his grief was mostly due to the loss of something stable in his life, rather than the lost of the love of his life.

After all, it didn't take long for him to start a relationship with Julian, and I don't care if some might say that it's some sort of coping mechanism, if Asra was able to do it all while still working to get you back, hitting it with Julian knowing that he was gonna have you back soon... that's just fucked up.

Also, his protective tendencies when MC comes back are rather possessive in my opinion: he keeps you like a trophy inside the shop, while he keeps wandering around the world, fulfilling his own selfish desire to visit as much as he can, while still keeping you in your cozy place, inside the castle.

That is also the whole point of the Reversed Ending of his route, that he could consider his own happy ending: he has you, all to himself, forever.

I think that the best side of Asra comes out when you play the other routes, because he has to come to term with his own issues and with the fact that at this point he cannot keep you to himself anymore. And with time he'll come to realize that what he feels for you is more of a spiritual connection, probably thanks to your own aura and magic, rather than a real romantic connection.

That's it, thanks for coming to my ted talk babes

[noxrun]

“  i dream in phosphorescence bleed through spaces see you drifting past the fog but no one told you where to go  ”

totally dedicating this to shan and the sheitaan. it takes him so long to ever admit that all he's desperate for in life is peace, a place like paradise. somewhere he can be with a new body and soul-cleansed because of how guilt-ridden he eventually becomes. the title of this, take me back to eden, is so symbolic of inner peace / going to a place where redemption can be granted. but he doesn't think redemption can happen for him, he doesn't see how it ever could with the chaos the sheitaan has caused. not after everything he, himself, has done. he can't ever be himself without the other peering through. shan does not consider himself a good or moral person sadly. throughout his entire life, he's never felt committed to going out of his way to help others unless it's something he later learns and then feels like the right thing to do.  because he spent so long afraid for his own mortality and existence.

“  my, my, those eyes like fire i'm a winged insect, you're a funeral pyre come now, bite through these wires i'm a waking hell and the gods grow tired reset my patient violence along both lines of a pathway higher grow back your sharpest teeth, you know my desire i will travel far beyond the path of reason take me back to eden, take me back to eden  ”

this song can be said to be about loss, among other themes. but i'm gonna relate it back to ishaan losing himself to the sheitaan. him having to grieve himself every single time the sheitaan takes over. the sheitaan's unapologetically hungry,  making shan self-destructive and unchecked as a result,  but his desperation for self-preservation remains. he has this fear of what's to come, of the unknown, but can understand that what’s comfortable isn’t always good.  what’s comfortable is giving into the sheitaan, no longer resisting, no longer fighting it or driving himself close to madness in fear of never gaining control. ishaan is lost and has lost, and it's the journey of him finding his way back to himself and realizing that what he needed was always within. he will never find what he needs outside of himself. what he wants, is a different matter altogether.

“  i don't know what's got its teeth in me, but i'm about to bite back in anger no amount of self-sought fury... will bring back the glory of innocence  ”

and eventually, nearing the end we have acceptance. shan lets go of the idea of returning to himself when he was once at peace. when he wasn't this hungry creature on an unending hamster wheel flying off the handle. when he was just a boy. it's time he faces the sheitaan.

[imsogayyippee]

the gun song by car seat headrest makes me so sick abt timlex angst ok.

"All I wanted was someone who was just like me and I hate myself for that."

"All I know is one of us was supposed to kill the other. Isn't that what they mean when they say lovers?"

Oh ok. oh. wow. falls hits my head and dies

"the unending realization that it's never gonna end"

even if theyre almost all dead and it should be over, the operator's still there

"Because I burned my fingers every night when your own shaking hands wouldn't give you a light"

tim said he would help alex block the operator out but.But then he. hes just fucking destroyed one day, the operator affecting him more than it affects alex and alex.has to help him insteadm.. oufjfjf they mke me sick

"But you can't go out the way you came in, in the arms of someone unaware of your sins"

tim knows what alex has done but he's still willing to help him get better.he's still able to love him despite what he's done OUGGJJFJF i think i hauve covid

[nightghoul381]

Impromptu Silvio fluff because @xbalayage and @randonauticrap hurt my heart tonight and I needed him to be happy before I get some sleep.

(It's almost 1:00am so forgive the lack of banner XD)

Silvio POV x Reader Fluff WC: 782

There you are. I’ve been lookin’ all over the for ya, I don’t know why I didn’t think ya might be here. Of course you’d be here, curled up on a chair in the corner, piles of books littered around you as you continue to nap peacefully.

You’re so damn cute, I gotta fight every instinct to scoop you up and steal you away. You got really mad at me the last time I did that, embarrassed that I was carrying you through the halls like a little child.

You’re gonna end up being sore if I don’t get you to move at least to a better position though, right now your head is dropped at such an uncomfortable angle, it’ll be a shock if ya don’t wake up hurtin’ from it. I see you shift ever so slightly in your sleep and the cute little sound you make as your leg drops down from where it was curled under you twists my heart.

I never expected to feel this way about anyone. Not really, not after everything that had happened when I was a kid. But you and your smart mouth came bargin’ into my life like a whirlwind and of course ya just had to go and make me fall in love with you. I realize now that it was inevitable. Your unending kindness even to someone like me was so foreign to me, I was incredibly fascinated and confused by you. Every minute I could get with you had me falling further and further under your spell and now I’m so completely enamored with you I feel like a completely different man.

My reminiscing brings a soft chuckle from my chest and the sound seems to startle you awake. Your eyes snap open, a quick inhale followed by a satisfied groan as you sit up straight and stretch has me hurrying over to you.

“Hey sweetheart, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake ya.” I place my hand on your cheek as you smile sleepily up at me.

“I don’t mind,” you sigh happily, nuzzling into my hand and letting your eyes flutter closed again.

“Heh, you gonna get up or do I need to carry ya through the halls again?” I ask in a light, joking tone. You make a small noise, almost like a laugh before you reach your arms up, cheeky smile playing on your lips.

“As you wish,” I concede. You’re too damn adorable, I can’t possibly reject you, especially when you’re being as cute as you are now. My heart feels so warm as you wrap your arms around my neck, clinging to me as I pull you into my arms.

You rest your head against my shoulder, curling into me and placing a gentle kiss on my shirt.

“Why’d ya go to the library if you were this tired?” I ask, genuinely curious as to why you weren’t in bed in the first place.

“I… I kinda got lost in the books I was reading. I didn’t realize what time it was.” Your sleepy murmur sounds so pleased and content and I can’t help but hug you closer to my chest. I keep tellin’ myself that there’s no way I could possibly fall any more in love with you, but every day I find myself sinking deeper into my admiration of you.

Pushing open the door to our room, I set you gently on the bed, pulling the covers up over your shoulder to make sure you weren’t gonna be cold. As I take a step back, you let out a disappointed grumble.

“What was that?” I ask, spinning around, amused disbelief clear in my voice.

“Don’t go,” you pout, lifting your head slightly to flash those damned pleading eyes at me.

“I was gonna go get cleaned up first.”

“Come on, please?”

My resistance against you is pretty much zero at this point. I move back toward the bed, tossing off my jewelry ad my clothes until I’m left in just my undershirt and slacks.

Sinking into the bed, you spare no time in cuddling up to my side, letting out the most satisfied little hum as I drape my arm around your shoulder.

“You’ve really got me down bad for you y’know,” I murmur, pressing a gentle kiss to the crown of your head, relishing the soft smell of your hair.

“Mmhmm.”

You bury your face in my chest, and in no time at all, you’re lettin’ out the cute little snores. I can’t believe how incredibly lucky I am to have you. I get to have you all to myself and that makes me happier than anything else ever could.

Taglist: @candied-boys @aquagirl1978 @itsjudesfault @maries-gallery @themiscarnival

Let me know if you'd like to be added to my taglist!

[sleepy-writes-stuff]

SHORT DP X MCU WRITING PROMPT #2

(Possible side story/chapter to the MCU portion of the reaper of heroes au? How about a little bit of fluff for once?)

(#) = Notes at the end of post

✦

After the events of this and this, I'd like to think Danny does Death a favor in apology for having to step in on her dimension's matters, regardless of her giving him full permission to handle things.

So what if he found an easier way for Death and Wade Wilson, AKA Deadpool, to meet with each other that doesn't involve Wade having to take a painful, semi-permanent nap? Like, he uses his will over the Infinite Realms to make a small comfy pocket of reality, like full-on apartment looking space, that both of them can easily access whenever they want. He does this partially as a favor to Death and partially because he's seen/kept Wade's soul in the Infinite Realms so many times between deaths (to give the poor man's spirit a little more time to just rest damn it) he feels like Wade deserves a private spot of happiness in his (unending) life.(1)

Also, official face to face meeting between Danny and Wade so he can tell the guy the good news, not just face to soul meeting? That'd be interesting. I just think it would be sweet.

✦

Okay, I think I'm gonna go make that master post now. This is getting ridiculous. 😅

Notes:

(1) Yes, he's seen Wade's soul multiple times before so Wade is easily recognizable at this point. Danny just never realized that his soul was from another dimension, was immortal, and that it was the soul of one of his Death sibling's lover. It was a big surprise when he learned/figured it out tho. Also, I think Wade would be under Danny's jurisdiction, regardless of alive/dead status. Danny is also the Lord of the undying for a reason.

_

@jotaroslooseeyebrowhair

Whatcha think of this? Doesn't have as many badass vibes, but I think it would be interesting to see. Danny is like, the ultimate wingman here.

[malt-rants-and-stuff]

Hiii malt :3 ask game time… thoughts on shirashiro (shirahama tashiro) GO! And any other shirahama ships you feel strongly about :3

SUNNYYYYYY HIIII okay okay i feel like we all know i have unending thoughts and ideas about shirahama kyouji and his relationships right this is common knowledge now. shirashiro is so... i have feelings about them

in canon context. mmm i love them but i cannot see it but also it does definitely compel me. ive entertained the thought of them before but for me it just comes down to them being more fun to think of as platonic. howeverrr, if they were to be together or at least if they were to like each other? well then there would be thoughts I could have.

like, say you have this friend. and for the purpose of this thought bubble we will say that this friend is named something that starts with a T. so say you have this friend and youve known each other since middle school. you are both close and arent, best friends yet acquaintances, you know what i mean.

say this friend who's name ends in ashiro goes to the same high school as you and you drift apart for a little bit. he has his friends and you're content just existing. but then one day you suddenly find yourself hanging out with them and things spiral. say you find yourself liking his friends, opening up to them in the strange trying-to-be uncommitted way that you do. say your friend invites you to join clubs with him and you are there to watch him amble around through life trying to find a Something for himself. say you watch him and you realize just how well you know him. accidentally of course. you'd never go out of your way to know someone like that who isn't a girl you're trying to date. obviously. but you find yourself recognizing what he's doing and why he does it and you try to help but there arent really words to say about this sort of thing.

say you think about the high school experience, growing and growing and somehow changing in ways you didn't expect. say your friend joins a certain club and you arent too into it but you come along just to see how things are. and while youre there you see your friend, who you have know for a good amount of time, act in a way you haven't really seen before. and you know that to anyone else it wouldn't be too out of the ordinary and to be honest its not that big of a deal but you still find yourself noticing it anyways. and you both want to quit that same club. for the same reasons (for sure, definitely) and you get to quit and leave and he's still there and he stays and it sticks to you.

i was going a lot of places with this but halfway though i went outside and became normal again and also kinda lost my train of thought so forgive me im just gonna explain where i was going with this in a not neurotic way (lies)

so shirahama. that guy. i like to think he would have a crush on tashiro in middle school that you can only have on your best friend. i think he would be seeing everyone around them dating and falling in love and go "i want that. how do i get that?" and then find himself falling for tashiro. i think tashiro has no thoughts about dating shirahama until second year (and give me a moment on that one.) and i think that shirahama forces himself to move on from his crush to "grow up" so to speak in between middle and high school. i think that even then he never lets himself forget about it and it haunts him and he can never get a date because he wants it to keep haunting him. shirashiro join the ping-pong club, two go in one comes out. absolute bloodbath. and in the end shirahama gets what he wanted. his friend is somehow a lot happier in his weird little Club with his weird little Thing that he has with the president ("previous president!" shirahama gives him a look that says the distinction doesn't really matter to him but the look thrown back makes him realize it should) and vice president. and you see now here is where i come back to that part about second year.

because. the thing is. well. tashiro does think about shirahama. maybe not in the same way all the time or as often or as deeply. but he does. he thinks about everything and everyone, really, so it shouldn't really stand out so much but it does. second year comes and relationships bloom (or he thinks they do) and festivals are had and its... fine. and then it just sort of happens. like it jumps into him mind "oh wouldn't that be something." and he acts like it wouldn't be and that he never thinks about it again but he does and its hilarious. a grand old comedy show. shirahama walks out stage left and tashiro has forgotten where he was supposed to stand. it can never happen at the right time and their feelings chase on the tails of one another and its just a fun time. tashiro kind-of-sort-of-not-really gets over it by third year but then oops, what's this, he's grown taller and shirahama cant help but notice the little ways tashiro has changed since way back when and now he's back in the pit. cue laugh track.

and yeah that's kinda how they are in my mind. but now if you want to get into other shirahama ships... well hold on i will continue in another reblog

[aromantisk-fagforening]

I hate fiction books..... (skjønnlitteratur)

As CSH said, "the unending realization - that it's never gonna end".

and by "it" I mean amatonormativity and romance in any and every genre.

something something being ace too, but I feel the most ostracized and rudely invalidated for being aro. It's a lot more unavoidable.

[mysteryman-17]

* I… I did it!? * I DID IT! No more shall bad guys go unpunished!! * …Yet. Why do I still feel so… * Unfulfilled? * …and alone? * … * M-maybe that part comes LATER in my rule, yeah!! * Yeah… right.

Time’s End is an AHIT/Undertale crossover AU of sorts, taking place in the aftermath of a timeline where you lose the final boss fight against Mustache Girl. You can find the write-up here! In addition, you can find the write-ups for the Neutral Endings and TimeWarp Route Requirements on Google Drive! The logo for Time's End was designed by @bittybattybunny. She's an incredible artist, be sure to check out their work here on Tumblr and over on Twitter!! (if it hasn't imploded by the time you're reading this post anyhow lmao.) This track was a commission-turned-collaboration with my boi Wisteria Bird Studios. Be sure to check out his work too!

Motifs:

Judge, Jury and Executioner

Get Lost

Main Theme/Title Screen

You can also listen to this track in high quality on the AU’s SoundCloud here! The rest of the description is underneath the Read More.

Mustache Girl takes on a hybrid Asgore and Asriel role. Years ago, she took Hat Kid's Time Pieces and set into motion a chain of events that would drastically change the world as everyone knew it, and put it firmly in her hands to rule. She thought this would be the best way to serve "proper" justice back then, but now? She's just tired. Mu's been done with this for quite some time, and she feels deeply trapped. Trapped by the people she already turned against her years ago, by her (in hindsight) rather bullheaded quest that's lost all its appeal of pursuing, by the all-encompassing kingdom she never realized she didn't want… and by an unending feeling of loneliness and sadness. The spark that started this mess is long gone (and that's putting it lightly,) but Mu sure as hell isn't going to actually say it, let alone give up without a fight. Cause the one thing that never truly went away was Mu's stubborness/committment, no matter how much it tears her apart inside.

So, about the note regarding my boi Kristian's involvement on this track! I did indeed commission the track this motif was pulled from, and paid Kristian in full. However, something happened which caused him to be unable to finish the track. So I used what he had in the project file and took up the reins of finishing it myself. The actual track I commissioned from Kristian and therefore the one I finished will be posted here sometime later, and given the tag on this track, I think y'all can take a good guess as to what that will be! (Also any Doctor Who fans may recognize what we chose to base this and the larger track off of.) ;) Anyhow tho, this is just a simple edit of that track to fill in the Memory slot for the AU OST. Kill two birds with one stone n all that jazz, y'know? Hope y'all enjoy! :) (Also I'm admittedly not 100% on the name, but eh. Can't come up with anything else, so this is gonna have to work lmao)

[higherpriestess312]

Preface:

Remember that I AM a writer. I am capable of compartmentalizing my emotions and emotion/feelings is where poets create their best work. Just because emotions or feelings exist does not mean that they are surface feelings and vice versa, just because you don’t see or experience the feelings on a surface level does not mean that they do not exist.

What is it that you want and is it all worth it?

The work the hurt the challenges

Can you define the checks and the balances?

The luxury the love

All the accomplishments

The smiles the winces

The unending compliments

Does it all make sense?

Can’t tell if my heart is bleeding in black or red

Somewhere in between

Really should be grateful I’m not dead

Keeping my eyes to the sky

Thanking the Lord on high

Keeping me grounded

Faith unfounded

Trying to give you the love you never had

Didn’t realize it would hurt me so bad

A man of two souls

One side got me feelin like I’m dreamin

The other side got my knees to the floor

Cryin and screamin

Handin me a glass then spillin the milk

Is this what you waited for?

Linens of cotton and silk

3 bath 3 bedrooms

The kids are all here

Keep me going

Run away from the fear

Wonder who you talkin to when you’re not here

Is it really your buddy?

Talkin garnet gold spears

Is it temu? Is it tinder? Is it socials?

The gangs all here

Rippin away my pride

Puttin me in a position I have to decide

Should I stay or should I go?

Is that how you grow?

Walk away and fix up your glow?

Or save face and walk away to the kitchen

Mama always in there cookin the dinner and fixins

Raising those babies

Teaching them right from wrong

Playin this song

Is this what you want for them?

Secrets and lies

Deceit in disguise

Tell me you’re comin over and never show up, what a surprise

Been texting me short all week

Turns out you were already having conversations

Giving into all your temptations

You say it isn’t cheating based on technicality

Yet all along that was my reality

“If it ain’t physical then it ain’t cheatin”

All up in the DM’s

Why you creepin?

Gettin emotional

Sharin your feelins

While I’m waitin up for you to come home in the evenin

Hangin on your every word like it’s my soul that you’re feedin

Trusting in you when trust was somethin I couldn’t believe in

Convince me of a facade so you don’t catch me leavin

Have me all to yourself and all them too

Got me sittin in silence, stuck in my head grievin

Feelin like I don’t know what to do

I don’t know how I’m feelin

I have love for you

Boy I love you

I can’t wait for the day when you really become a man

To our right for each other we always gonna stand

The sorrow the silence

The weeping in violence

One day we can throw it in the safe and lock it up tight

Put the past behind us and one day maybe we’ll be able to see all that light

Maybe one day we can sleep straight through the night

Knowing in the end it’s all gonna be alright

Wake up to the morning sun

Time to shine and rise

Forever your ride or die

Beggin me not to give up on you

It was just one line

Yea, I’ve heard that line

Servin up a meal but no appetite to dine

I did it all for you

You know I always will

I hope you remember me next time you wanna talk about what you feel

[cheswirls]

magi rambling

idk it jus hit me out of nowhere how much i love magi fic and how sinja is portrayed in such. imo THEEEE best magi fic of all time is works cowritten by galiko and daphnerunning, those two were genuinely on galaxy brain mega dimension level thinking full time, but like less abt magi meta as a whole and more on how the characters are so true to themselves and their flaws

it's been so long that in not gonna be able to remember who all did it but i def remember all of galiko's sinja fic that also portrayed sinbad/judal to some extent, that it was made very clear in the text how differently and on different footing both relationships stood. judal especially in their hands was written so well in a way that changed how i viewed the character in canon to some extent and in every other piece of fictional media. like how can you write someone so pathetic and deceptive and a bastard and it's all perfectly in character

I've never been into sin/ju and i don't think i ever read anything w them in fic seriously or w/o skimming but i did sit thru enough to know how the galiko/daphne pair brought them forth and made it very wanton-ly obvious that sin is always just manipulating judal and leading him on to get what he wants at the end of it all, but in contrast, it's clear that he so deeply loves ja'far in ways mere words cannot express

to see the relationship dynamics compared and contrasted in fic was always such a treat because sin treats almost everyone like they're a stepping stone used to further his own objectives, but then he treats his advisor like a genuine person. shows real care and concern, becomes inconsolable when ja'far is hurt, refuses to quell his rage for any reason when someone has wronged ja'far. his advisor truly is his precious person that he can strip down out of his title as king and just be sinbad around.

and this is even further glorified when ja'f knows but insists he doesn't!!! playa it off bc sin is king and this is uncouth!!! only to have such moments of weakness when anything goes terribly wrong and he's suddenly on the brink of death, terrified of leaving sin behind all alone, letting himself have just as long as it takes to recover the bare minimum amount to bask in sin's unending devotion. they truly do treat each other differently in canon and otherwise and it's so gratifying to see and realize each time as someone who loves sinja so dearly

[devils-lawboy]

the unending realization that its* never gonna end

[medschoolash]

My two cents on Daemon and Rhaenyra's Sexual encounter

I'm nobody but I have a lot of thoughts about what went down between daemon and rhaenyra and the motives on Daemon's end so I'm just gonna put it all down here because why not.

So I've come to the conclusion that Daemon's actions are not abusive (contrary to what the creators said), not about a quest for the throne, and not completely without malicious intent.

I think to truly understand it all and how it fits into the story you have to understand a few key things:

Daemon has psychogenic erectile dysfunction ( more on that later)

Daemon has an unending desire to upset Viscerys but he actually does love him

Daemon cares about Rhaenyra deeply and always has

Daemon is sexually attracted to Rhaenyra

Daemon is impulsive and manipulative but he's not a complete idiot

When you combine all of those character points for Daemon his behavior this episode makes a lot more sense to me.

(if you know me from other fandoms you know I'm long winded so proceed at your own discretion lol )

Let's go back to the very beginning of the episode. Daemon returns from the stepstones. He's now a war hero. He's known as the dragon that conquered the narrow sea and saved the realm a headache. This is the most praise and adoration he's gotten in a long time. He makes a show of giving up his crown to Viscerys and pledging fealty to him once again and he smugly looks at otto when he's embraced by his brother again.

To me this is important because I believe Daemon's actions here are genuine at that moment. The creators said in this scene Daemon seems like a changed man to the audience which I can see on casual viewing BUT is he truly a changed man? The narrative proved that to be a huge no and really that was the only conclusion when none of his actual gripes with Viscerys have been resolved. Plus what's so different about Daemon now? When has Daemon ever not supported Viscerys's claim as king? When has he ever publically done anything but swear loyalty to his brother since he was crowned (no comment on dead baby aegon, he got no love from daemon lol). Nothing about it truly screams Daemon is changed so why does he do it? My opinion is that it shows he didn't actually go there to be duplicitous. He didn't return pretending to be someone he's not to deceive everybody. That's important in the bigger picture.

So Daemon hasn't changed BUT something has in fact changed in King's Landing. Rhaenyra.

Rhaenyra is happy he's back. She actually follows him in the throne room. She wants to see him. In the garden, she approaches him first with the giddy but tries to play it cool presence of someone with a huge crush. She is starry-eyed in his presence and is eager to engage with him. Daemon looks at her walk away in the garden. His eyes are on her in part because he's curious (he noticed her stiff interactions with her father) and because it's the first time he's seen her in years and she's a woman now but he doesn't follow her. I think they deliberately showed us that in most ways that matter before the sexual encounter Rhaenyra is the chaser, not Daemon. That matters. Later Rhaenyra finds him again and he's soaking in the air in KL, another indicator that Daemon is possibly relieved to be home and is not here to cause chaos. Rhaenyra even straight up asks him why he's there because she knows him, she knows he likes to play games with her father so there has to be an agenda but is there? He says the comfort of home. I personally don't think there is one on his mind at that moment. The key part is he acknowledges her maturation for the first time and he discusses it in the context of physical appeal. She's blossomed into a beautiful young woman entering the stage of courtship. He notices. She realizes he notices.

They've always had a bond. She's always had a special hold over him and she's always looked at him like he hangs the moon but it was never something with any real clarity for Rhaenyra and never something that Daemon would ever acknowledge or act on but that's changed it has been 4 years. She's at least 18 now. She's at the stage of life where romance and sexual curiosity makes a bit more sense now even if she's still unsure about how to navigate that as a woman in westeros. So yeah It's different between them. Rhaenyra has changed and most of all they are both curious about what this tension is between them and how far it can go.

Before I move on to my next point I want to make sure I'm not misinterpreted here. I'm not saying Daemon has been creeping on her this whole time just counting the days until she's of age. I don't think he's ever said to himself "when she's 18 I'm totally gonna have sex with her". I don't think he has the thought to go there sexually with her until the moment he actually sees her again after she's matured.

That brings me to their one-on-one in the garden. This is an important part because I feel like Daemon's intentions after this conversation can make his actions somewhat within reason or absolutely horrible. Rhaenyra is very candid with him about her frustrations with having to marry. She feels like a broodmare with no sexual autonomy at all, just a pawn to be sold to the highest bidder for the use of her womb and her title. She feels like no one cares about what she wants, what she wants to do with her body. She's so averse to the idea that would prefer to live a life completely alone over having to marry and have all of her stripped away for duty. Daemon tries to assure her that all is not lost for her. Yes, it's a political contract but he basically tells her she does have power and autonomy within the confines of a marriage. She can do whatever she wants. She can control what does and doesn't happens to her. Having this power is clearly important to her. He also genuinely tries to alleviate her fears about having the same fate as her mother. He was there, he knows her grief and pain. She wants to take that trauma and become a recluse. He doesn't want her to fear a fate she can not truly control because it prevents her from ever experiencing the better parts of life. Solitude is lonely. He himself is married and he's still lonely. He doesn't want that for her. We can say it's familial affection or something even more but the key is I do not think that any part of this conversation, especially the last part, is a manipulative game to him. He's comforting her and trying to guide her in the right direction for her own good just as he's done several times before.

So this is the entire lead-up to their night out and sexual encounter. What part of this feels well planned? what part of this feels like a scheme or anything but a simmering curiosity and moment of honesty between two people who up to this point have only had a familial connection? The answer is none of it feels like a well-planned manipulation, not even in retrospect and it doesn't feel that way because in my opinion, it wasn't.

The first moment you can make a real argument that Daemon has done some plotting is when she arrives in her room and finds the clothing and the note. But even then the question becomes what exactly did he plan and why did he plan it? The more cynical perspectives floating around suggest that everything was daemon manipulating Rhaenyra to open her up to the night on the town, then he planted the clothes and the note to lure her away with the full intention of ruining her reputation for his own ploy for power. To me, this falls apart very quickly as an explanation despite what the creators implied (I'll get to that in a second).

As mentioned above hours ago they had a conversation where Daemon tries to tell Rhaenyra there is a lot more to the world she can enjoy versus resigning herself to solitude and misery. The truth of the matter is Rhaenyra is very green. She has been sheltered in the red keep her whole life. Her mother died at a crucial age. She has had no one to guide her through the confusing developmental aspects of adolescence. Daemon sees his role as a guide to help her reach a new level of understanding of the many forms of sexual expression and freedom that will ultimately liberate her from the confines of her gender and her station that she's been desperately fighting against this whole time. But why does he want to do this? Does he want to do it because her sexual awakening can be used as a tool to rise to power or does he do it because he actually cares about her and want her to actually feel empowered in this important way and he can conveniently also explore his sexual desire for her as well?

This is the most important question to ask in this entire analysis but this is also where the waters truly get murky making it difficult to answer the question. To me the most obvious answer is the latter but this is seemingly contradicted by the creators and by Daemon himself. I would like to argue that it actually wasn't.

Up until the point, he enters the brothel with her Daemon has been a comforting source of familiarity to Rhaenyra. He has shared vulnerable conversations with her. He tenderly held her hand at every moment and took her through the city watching her in amazement as she saw things she's never seen before. He has allowed all of this to go on while maintaining anonymity, which is crucial because it gives her freedom she otherwise would not have had. At no point did he ever come off as if he wanted to coerce her into something, he or was guiding her in a certain direction for a plan. It all seemed spontaneous and about exploration and most importantly they did as much as she wanted them to do. He is fascinated by her curiosity. He is enamored with her enthusiasm. Why behave like this if this was all a power play? if it was because he really really wanted to manipulate her then why would he stoop so low to hurt someone he clearly cares about for a throne he has never actually said he wants?

I've seen several takes that try to connect him taking her disguise off when his plan to expose her but even that falls apart quickly. He doesn't do it until they are deep into the brothel where they are less likely to be discovered. He also takes his own disguise off exposing himself. If he wanted to ruin her reputation all he needed to ensure was that she was seen in a brothel with someone. Making that someone actually him actually works against him in a long game. Even Viscerys points this out later with alicent. There was a small chance that daemon would be able to say "whoops I slept with her she's ruined not I have to be heir" or "whoops I slept with her and she's ruined not we have to marry" but remember my bullet points?Daemon is impulsive and manipulative but he's not a complete idiot. The much more likely outcome was enraging Viscerys who he has only been on solid footing with viscerys for a few hours, not even a whole day. Enraging viscerys would get him absolutely nothing. The only thing he gains is hurting Rhaenyra and Daemon cares deeply for Rhaenyra so it wouldn't be in character. Like I said even Viscerys acknowledges this and he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

So if he gains nothing why is he doing this? How is this a power play for him and a power play he would be willing to engage in at the great expense of the only person he seems to actually care about? Maybe he just doesn't actually care about her that way. Maybe his care is not outweighed by his lack of morals and boundaries or maybe it's none of the above. Maybe there is a much simpler explanation for this entire ordeal.

I believe Daemon fully intended to push her sexual boundaries once they were in the brothel but I do not think his desire was to see her exposed while in that brothel to ruin her. I think he was just caught up in his own sexual desire for her and thrilled by the prospect of her liberation so he was callous about the entire thing and didn't care if she would be exposed because there is no real harm that can come. I don't even think he consciously thought about her being exposed in the moment but once presented with the issue it's never was a big deal to him. He even outright says this to viscerys. People whore, sure not women but Targaryens do. They are the blood of old valyria, they are dragon riders and rulers of the realm. They are above everyday conventions in society. They bed family members because they can. They whore because they can. They start wars because they can. The world is theirs for conquering and every aspect can be bent according to their will, including the truth and the truth is whatever viscerys says the truth is. Viscerys can decree his daughter is a maiden and whoever disputes it is treasonous and no one can defy him because well they have dragons. So no It was not calculated, it was just callous which fits into Daemon's personality perfectly and the difference between those two things is important when you're trying to put his actions into context. Also, if Daemon's plan was in fact to use Rhaenyra to gain power why did he even tell Viscerys he can just make it go away before the idea of a marriage even comes up? See the math isn't mathing.

This brings me to the most controversial part of their sexual encounter but the part that I think it the most fascinating. When Rhaenyra asks what is this place Daemon tells her it's where people come to take what they want. This is important for her because she's never seen sex as something that she can take for herself or as an act where she has power but Daemon takes her to a place where she can. Where they both can. This tells you that this experience is meant to be empowering for both of them but especially Rhaenyra. Being there empowers Daemon to cross a boundary he had not crossed before. He gets to take Rhaenyra. Being there for Rhaenyra empowers her to take control of her sexual expression and seek control, seek pleasure, seek passion, seek something that's purely about want and need and about nothing else. He outright tells her that this is what sex is for men AND women. This directly contradicts the idea that Daemon cares nothing about her awakening and it's a plot.

You could argue he says these things to manipulate her into an act but why chose a form of manipulation that plays into her gaining the most instead of him? A sexually empowered Rhaenyra can navigate her duty much more effectively than before. She can make smarter decisions and stop the tantrums that are holding her back. A sexually empowered Rhaenyra that is bold and unafraid and enlightened can form alliances that will strengthen her claim to the throne. We actually see this happen by the end of the episode when she agrees to marry Laenor without dispute and forces Viscerys to get rid of Otto as his hands. This Rhaenyra does not serve a Daemon who only wants to control her and use her for power, it does the exact opposite.

let's look at how the acts even take place for some ideas about his motives. He doesn't try to overwhelm her. He doesn't hungrily attack her even though he is hungry for her. He also doesn't dominate her completely. She's as into it as he is. She doesn't move a pace beyond where she is comfortable. He doesn't rush her and aggressively try to get into to submit to him. He doesn't overwhelm her with pleasure he gradually builds her up and lets her chase it. They passionately but tenderly kiss. He caresses her hair and her body. She pulls him close for more and doesn't shy away from her. Yes he's the one who turns her and moves towards the wall but she walks with him keeping up with her pace perfectly. Even when she is pushed against the wall she is excited and challenges him, she's not overpowered. He doesn't yank her clothing off he sensually exposures her. One of the best moments was when he takes her pants off. SHE ACTUALLY HELPS HIM DO IT. Her hands move to remove her own clothing and they actually do it together. He does not flinch when she initially changes position, it's AFTER that he pulls back. He's still into it when she turns and kisses him and nothing about the power dynamics in that kiss changed from their previous kisses.

This is the entire reason I don't agree that Daemon ends their encounter because he no longer had control of the sex act which is what pretty much everybody thinks the creators mean when they speak on this part and why he ended it. Is he shocked that's shes so responsive? Yes but I don't think that shock has a negative impact on the moment because he never actually had complete control of the sex act and he wanted her to feel powerful. That was never the point to begin with. Rhaenyra is supposed to take control of her sexual encounter, she's supposed to be an equal participant. She's supposed to seek pleasure and take what she wants. She's supposed to give him as good as she gets. That's the lesson. That's the whole point of the awakening. This entire thing is about empowering them both, not just him. This empowerment is important for rhaenyra for all the reasons I mentioned above and Daemon knows this. He had an entire conversation with her about this. He comforted her about her lack of all these things earlier. We even hear Rhaenyra tell alicent that her hundreds of suitors don't actually want her, they want her name and her valyrian blood. Daemon is supposed to be the exception. He intentionally wants to make himself the exception. So having Daemon have a motive of wanting to dominate her sexual encounter and being unable to do so which makes him abruptly abandon then sell her out to ruin her for a title her would make this scenario even worse than it already is because it means he wanted to completely disempower her all so that he could have a shot at the iron throne that he was never going to get. It's literally making her worst fear, the source of all of her teen angst for the last 4 episodes come to life. This interpretation colors every single one of their interactions with darkness from the very moment he has a full conversation with her this episode and gives him a level of villainy that completely takes away his nuance as a character because this act with this motivation requires selfishness and callousness towards her that crosses a line. Ultimately I just don't think this characterization well supported by the narrative and It would also make it difficult to even sell a later romance between the two of them.

So the math ain't math'n so how can we make it all add up? That's what this entire analysis boils down to based on what I've already demonstrated:

Daemon didn't set out to manipulate rhaenyra and this was not a well-plotted plan to ruin her. He wanted to initiate her sexual awakening for her own good because he cares and for his own selfish desire to have her sexually

He loves viscerys but still has resentment towards him leading to an unending desire to upset him when the opportunity presents itself. He was well aware that his actions would potentially stick a knife in Viscerys's back if he found out about it and he relished it but it was not merely a ploy to piss him off.

He did not go out of his way to ensure viscerys found out about it. He just didn't care about the consequences if Viscerys or anyone else found out. He had no connection to the spy at all. The spy was Otto doing the whole time with the help of mysaria.

He actually enjoyed her having control during the encounter, it made him desire her even more because he has always been enticed by her moments of self-assuredness. It makes him crave her instead of wanting to reject her.

The only reason he could not complete the sex act with her is because Daemon has psychogenic erectile dysfunction for reasons that are yet to be revealed.

Daemon did not pre-plan asking for Rhaenyra's hand. It happened at the moment because for the same reasons he was unable to get an erection.

If you watch the scene just before he leaves the brothel Daemon is very much still into engaging with Rhaenyra when she turns around to kiss him. As I said before he was actually relishing her show of control, not shying away from it. The problem is at the point in the encounter where she turns around he has already kissed her, caressed her body and he has already stimulated her vaginally.

(You can see his hand move from her hip further down when he has her against the wall. It was clearly meant to stimulate digital stimulation but it was purposely obscured by shadows and angles to focus on Rhaenyra's pleasure versus the actual physicality of the act)

When she turns around the next escalation in their sexual encounter is actual penetration. She wants it. He wants it....only Daemon can not get an erection. That's why he pulls away and looks at her for so long. He is hoping her desire, her look of hunger, her hair, anything will get his penis to stand up but it doesn't. She pushes to continue but he can't to he pulls away every time. He even attempts to push through it but giving in to her again but he still can't perform. That's when he finally reaches peak frustration which is both embarrassing and inconvenient so he leaves her to nurse his wound on his own. That is why he see that he ended up passing our drunk somewhere and Mysaria has to retrieve him. The control the creators were speaking about wasn't control of the power dynamics of the act, it was about control of his ability to perform aka exert his power ultimate during the acts.

Daemon has psychogenic erectile dysfunction. He had this issue before Rhaenyra since we saw him in the middle of sex with Mysaria, someone he clearly enjoys but he was unable to maintain his erection and reach a climax. That's why they even showed us that scene. Daemon is not physically impotent, he has no vascular issues preventing erection, and he has no neurologic issue preventing erection. It's purely psychologic. When he retreats from Mysaria he is clearly preoccupied with several thoughts. He is chaotic as hell but he is extremely emotional. The emotions we see most often are just petulance, anger, and resentment. His encounter with Mysaria established that when Daemon has too many emotions and thoughts in his head it interferes with his ability to sexually perform. I don't when this started but that is exactly what happens with Rhaenyra.

Daemon sexually desired Rhaenyra but I think once he started the actual act of being with her sexually he completely lost control of his emotions and his thoughts NOT the power dynamics that that's what rattles him. Maybe a little bit of guilt for attempting to have sex with his young niece in the middle of a brothel kicked in, after all until this point he has only known her as family and despite the familial history of incest he himself has never actually engaged in it before (that I know of). Maybe he feels something because Rhaenyra completely trusts him and that trust is why he's about to take her maidenhead in the middle of a brothel even though that is not how her first time should actually be. Maybe he feels an overwhelming emotional connection to her at the moment that caught him off guard because this was supposed to be about sex. It's probably all of the above really but the idea is these thoughts come up and he can not control them and because he can not control them he can not get an erection to actually do the one thing he truly set out to do which is have sex with Rhaenyra. He also can not tell her this because she has no idea what erectile dysfunction is and he can not explain it to her without being humiliated. He is supposed to be the one giving her a sexual awakening not a lesson on men with broken penises. So he leaves her there when under any other circumstances he would never do that to her.

That knowledge makes the entire puzzle come together because it gives his reaction at that moment some context that fits with the lead-up and that makes his later actions make some sense.

When he is confronted by Viscerys he straight up lies to enrage Viscerys and to cover for his own humiliation. Those are literally the only real things he can gain from telling that lie. Unbeknownst to us all and Rhaenyra, Daemon also had an awakening with Rhaenyra and that's why when the opportunity presents itself he seizes the chance to take her hand in marriage. Through his humiliation, he discovered that he desires Rhaenyra in a way that is bigger than he realized. He doesn't just want her sexually he wants her fully and completely. He wants her laugh, her childish curiosity, her determination, her ability to see right through him, her bravery, her stubbornness, her petulance, her anger, her beauty, her valyrian blood, her claim, her everything. I mean he straight up tells Viscerys he will take Rhaenyra just as she is. That was about so much more than a reputation. It firmly makes Daemon the opposite of the men Rhaenyra hates which actually fits the narrative but makes it even more interesting because Rhaenyra is unaware of all of this so it gives them so much more to explore and play with for the characters and their relationships later.

So no he didn't plot to marry her, it isn't until Viscerys himself presents him with the opportunity that he decides that's what he wants to do. It solves the problem of her reputation and gets him what he wants which is Rhaenyra and the restoration of his house to a level of glory and admiration that he feels Viscerys has sullied with his weakness. That's why I think it's important to acknowledge that Daemon was being truthful about his motivations when he says he can restore his house to glory. That is definitely a part of it. Sure it makes his intentions less pure but it makes them authentic and that's what matters the most. If this wasn't spontaneous he would have tried to end his own marriage before he even brought it up to make it more likely to happen. Instead, he never asks to end his marriage, he only suggests taking a second wife because at that brief moment where viscerys has him at knifepoint it's the only reasonable way forward. He didn't have time to actually think about a more seamless way to have her hand in marriage.

Finally, Daemon actually does accomplish his goal. Rhaenyra leaves their encounter and she feels fully empowered so much so she feels comfortable propositioning Criston for sex AND she takes the dominant position placing her own pleasure above all. Her view on sex and relationships and her own power have completely changed thanks to Daemon. This is further solidified by the fact that when her father tells her she's marrying Laenor she doesn't fight him. She will actually do her duty now because she gets what it fully means and no longer feels like she will be a prisoner in a marriage. She even feels so empowered she challenges Viscerys to get rid of Otto, a man he has been loyal to for decades AND it actually happens. Rhaenyra can now effectively navigate her future because of one intense experience with Daemon that shifts her perspective and I think that's pretty awesome for Rhaenyra and for Rhaenyra and Daemon as a pairing.

So in summary: Daemon Targaryen is a chaotic man with chaotic feelings but he is sprung on rhaenyra targaryen and he is not a cold-hearted master manipulator. Rhaenyra is now a boss bitch. Thanks, Daemon. The end lol