#the truly good stuff can only come from sickos and freaks

[zeravmeta]

So, why do people hate him its like some Donald Trump hate sydnrome?

definitely. weirdest way to phrase it tbh

uhh the long and short of it is that he's had a notable presence throughout all the series and basically there's a solidly good chance that a good chunk of the misogyny present throughout the different yugioh series' comes from him.

He's also pretty infamous for potentially having a thing for incest? The arc v manga's wild as fuck ending twist where yuzu (yuyas main love interest) turns out to go back in time and marry his dad to have him (!!!!!) comes from him, but its not an isolated incident and there's notable instances throughout the series to this, like the weird dynamic between Asuka and her brother Fubuki in GX and Shark and Rio in Zexal, to name those which come to mind

overall, pretty weird guy! card game anime narrative compels me, though

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, JULY 31, 2002 I did some cleaning, did my workout, printed out the grocery list, so now I’m free to read, write, watch TV or whatever.

I was surprised to find I have a 29” waist at 125 pounds. I’m surprised it’s not 1-3 inches bigger. The combination of the crunches and the zapper really helps. It’s been a while since I’ve “dieted.” Working out won’t make me lose weight, but it’ll keep my weight where it’s at, and I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to lose weight. Just like you can’t have thin curly hair or thick straight hair, middle age and skinniness just don’t go together. Not without drugs, a serious lack of eating, or some medical problem. It’s simply not natural for 95% of those over 30 to be thin and I wouldn’t lose the weight even if I could. Why lose weight I’d only pack on two weeks later?

I’m pleased to see that Scot has skipped July altogether as far as bugging me here at home goes. I thought he would. More so, I hoped he would. I still don’t think I’m gonna get 3 months off from him here, though. I think the time I did was only a fluke. It makes no sense to come less often when I’ve got more of a reason to run and then start coming more often when that reason lessens a little with time. Something else was no doubt going on in his life that actually took higher priority than me.

Paula is one fucked up individual. It’s sad. It really is. I told her to dump this cock that filed charges on her that he dropped, warning her that things wouldn’t get better and that he’d probably file charges again. Well, she didn’t dump him and he did file charges again. So now she’s got a show-cause hearing on August 15th.

After asking myself numerous times how she can keep putting up with the same old shit from the same old types of guys, the answer’s as clear as it was when I asked myself that about Tammy. She likes it. She truly likes it. It’s both sad and sick, but some people are like that. No one can be so dumb and naïve as to just happen to get with the wrong guys this many times. She’s obviously actively seeking this type out. It’s bad enough that they’re cocks, most of which are sickos, but to make bad news even worse, these are Ricans she’s going after.

Just like there are pain freaks out there, there are stress freaks, too. I honestly believe she enjoys the stress, the anger and the frustration. She’s an aggressive person who loves a good fight. Paula would be absolutely miserable if she suddenly had a good life with good people in it. That’s just not for her.

I’m not going to bother emailing her because half the time Justin doesn’t let her see the email. In an email I sent last night, I said I wasn’t smart enough to figure out the Hairdini and maybe she could. Then Justin replies saying: yer smarter.

Yeah, I am. At least when it comes to who I hang with. One can only advise a person so many times not to hang with users and abusers whether or not they’re related to us, but it’s up to them to do what they’re going to do.

Her selfishness really irritates me at times. All she wants to do is bitch about her fucked up men when we talk. Never does she ask about me, about Tom, etc. She did ask if it was hot out here, but that’s about it. It gets so frustrating. I try to change the subject and talk about something more cheerful, but then she goes right back to the usual shit she cries about.

I’m going to be talking to her less and less and writing less and less, too. I’m sorry for her, but it gets old. It really does. I’m not going to “dump” her and I’m not going to try to change her. I’m not Dureen. But I am going to avoid contact with her more often. That is after I find out if she got the package okay, then, if I can get a word in edgewise throughout her non-stop babbling and bitching, I’ll see if I can find out what she thinks of the stuff.

I can relate to and understand her selfishness to a degree. Abuse tends to make a person selfish, cuz whether or not you get off on it, you’re so wrapped up in your day-to-day survival that you’re just not in a position to be thinking of others.

TUESDAY, JULY 30, 2002 Paula is going to be one lucky bitch! Tom got a few boxes that are 18x18x18 and some bubble sheeting and I managed to squeeze all 15 dolls into one box. Then I added a few things like that Hairdini that drove me crazy trying to figure out, the messy comb-in pink streaks I didn’t like, a couple of rings, a bracelet, a necklace, a parrot watch I never wear, some dental floss, emery boards, glitter perfume, barrettes and a few other odds and ends. Of course I threw in the picture CD and a letter, too.

Rabbits and prairie dogs are hanging out front regularly now. I saw a prairie dog lay down for the first time ever. It lay up against the water bowl.

Got 4 envelopes from Mary today. Each had a brief 1-page letter. Most of it was book stuff. I got about 50 pages to type up. Fortunately, she numbered the envelopes so I’ll know what order to type stuff in. She worries she’s overwhelming me, but it’s not like I’m working full-time yet with dolls, so I have the extra time.

I will say this, though, and that’s that I’m glad I’m not the one who’s going to have to organize this book in the end! I’m just typing what she gives me, then some editor or publisher can take it from there.

She asked that I change words and sentence structuring when I feel it’s necessary. I told her I’d use my best judgment. I may change her directions for starters. She has Idiot’s dad referring to New York as “out there” from Florida. Well, typically Florida is “down there,” New York’s “up there,” and the West Coast is “out there.”

She asked for rainbow and storm pictures, so I printed out a few shots I took.

She asked if I was having fun watching all those storms. All those storms?! What storms? This has been the wimpiest monsoon season in the decade I’ve been out here. We’ve had lots of clouds and humidity, but shit for rain. I think Phoenix has gotten way more rain than we have.

If she’s truly guilty, then I’m glad Hope was found guilty like she said she was. She’s to be sentenced next month. She’s looking at 40 years which really means about 12. Even so, you’ve got a long time to do, Hope! I’d kill myself for damn sure!

I just cannot believe she’s had the same celly for over 6 months. Why couldn’t we have been cellies from New Year’s Day, the day we met, till I left?!

She’s hoping to stay in Estrella rather than be shipped to Florida. That’d be nice. I just wish I knew when Teddy Bear will return, if ever! Could be soon, could be years, could be never, though I’d think that at some point they’d stick her back there.

She says that where she goes and for how long is up to the judge, and she’s trying to do things like get her GED to help, but as I told her, I wouldn’t put too much stock in the judge acknowledging her efforts. I suggested she not count on him to be pleased with what she’s done to help herself. I’m only speaking from personal experience. I bent over backward for this state. I knew they’d want me to see a therapist, so I went out and got one before sentencing, yet the fucking cock of a judge had already made up his twisted mind, before he ever laid eyes on me, to go along with the DA’s ludicrous recommendation of 6 months for words on paper. I did this, I did that, but nobody gave me a chance. No one gave a damn.

She says she’ll be on heavy probation when she gets out, but is ok with that as long as she’s free, though I know she won’t be “free.” Freer than in jail or prison, but no one on probation or parole is “free.” I asked her what her probation will entail and for how long she’ll be on it once she’s out. If standard probation could be as overwhelming as it was for me in the first 5 months, I can only imagine what intense probation is like! Sure, anything’s better than jail/prison, but sometimes I’ve felt like my probation isn’t probation, but rather an extension of jail.

Oh, how I hear her as far as wishing for a laptop goes! I missed my computer so much while I was in jail. Can’t imagine life without it!

MONDAY, JULY 29, 2002 I was pleasantly surprised to get an email from Paula herself. First she called, but I was asleep. In the email, she answered my questions as to what colors she likes/dislikes (I was curious) and the answers couldn’t have been better. She said she likes red, purple, white and green and hates orange and black. Well, as it turns out, I have a doll for her in purple, a doll in red, 3 dolls in white and 3 in green. None in orange or black. I decided to take the gold dress I had on Anne and put it on the new Irish fairy I just got that came in a green outfit.

So, as it will turn out, she’ll get 1 doll in purple, 1 in red, 3 in white, 3 in green, 3 in blue, 1 in gray, 1 in rust, 1 in white with blue and another in white with sea green. There will be 1 redhead, 2 with black hair, 5 blondes and 7 brunettes. There’ll be 4 with blue eyes, 4 with green eyes, 5 with brown eyes, and 2 with gray eyes.

He cut the wood of Joy’s base, making it square at 9” in diameter, rather than a 12” circle. Then I cut a slit in the fabric to go through the stand’s pole. Then we tacked the material underneath.

No, the shower leak is not fixed after all. It looks like my worst fear is right and that it’s leaking from inside the wall, down out on the carpet in the front right corner of the shower stall itself, but you know what? As I said to Tom, we are not going to succumb to fixing every single goddamn leak in this house! Nor are we going to be reduced to fixing every single fucking thing that breaks. Especially when they shouldn’t be breaking so soon! If we spend our lives fixing everything that breaks, we won’t have a life. I’m at the point now where I’m so beyond fed up with our shit breaking that one tends to reach a point where they simply stop fixing things. I’ll shower in his shower from now on till that breaks too, many years sooner than it should.

I don’t know, maybe if whatever’s put the breakage curse on us sees that we won’t bother to up and run to fix things as soon as they break like broken car ACs and leaky showers, it’ll give us a break for a while. Yeah, for about a month.

Later…

I don’t believe this. I simply do not believe this! What broke today? Now the sprayer on the bug spray container burst!

“But the thing was old and they’re cheap and I can pick one up when I go out today to see my mom and do other errands.”

But I don’t care if the damn thing was old and cheap. He can play this down just like he does everything else, but I just want a week in our lives without breakage!!!

And a month without the freeloaders. That one’s impossible, though, of course, for quite a while, if ever. I know Scot is coming this week or next and I don’t want to be woken up. He hasn’t woken me up since February, so it just seems like it’s about time to lose sleep over these freeloaders yet again.

Always with me, always with them. Oh, how I want to believe 15 months is all I have left of this shit, but I can’t. I just can’t. First they told me it was over, then a handful of months later I was promised a year of probation and that I wouldn’t be jailed even if I were convicted, so why should I believe it’ll finally, truly be over in 15 months? There’s nothing to say that it will be. If I can go a whole year without the freeloaders controlling anything I do, anyplace I go, anything we spend our money on, then I’ll believe I’m finally free and clear of them. Until then, I’m still very much their victim, like it or not. They’re just victimizing me in different ways than they did during the first few years.

The sucky thing about his working nights is that his car’s here all day, but hey, I’ll decide when I let who into my house, so if Scot does stop by while I’m asleep – tough. I just wasn’t in the mood for company, I’ll tell him, and he’ll just have to live with that. If he’s not going to call first, then he’s going to have to deal with the fact that I just may not want company every now and then, though I’ve always let him in so far. That’s only because he either caught me when I was up, or it was before I put my foot down and made a no-playing-form-if-I’m-asleep rule.

I still want him to come around just once when I’m out, but I know God will never see to that. Even more so, I want him to come around when Tom’s not here and when I’m awake just so I can say “no” to the freeloaders. Never yet have I been able to say “no” to anything freeloader-related. I’d like to have that privilege if only once, but again, I doubt it’s an honor God would be willing to grant me. Protect thy freeloaders, you know? That’s God’s motto. Actually, it’s more like “Protect Jodi’s tormentors!” That’s his real motto.

And I thought those stormin’ Mormons were oh so bad compared to the blacks and Mexican welfare bums?!

Later…

Well, the freeloaders didn’t cause me to lose sleep today, but see? It’s just like we were all living together again; when they’re not actually waking me up, I’m fearing that they will.

Always with me, always with them.

PG’s selling a 40” sitting doll for just $80.

SUNDAY, JULY 28, 2002 Here I am just trying to get over Teddy Bear, then I see someone on TV that reminds me of her, be it her physique, her mannerisms, her voice, and it brings back some of the hurt, the longing for her, the missing her, the never getting to know her, etc.

And something didn’t want to punish me when it sicced these freeloaders on me? Right!

I wonder just how many others she may’ve led on like this. People who do this don’t usually leave people hanging just once. It tends to become rather habit-forming (Kacey and Al were prime examples). Am I the only inmate, though? I couldn’t have been the only one to be crushing on her. Just how many others have joined the R. D. Johnson fan club?

Questions, questions and never any answers!

I may love a babe in uniform, but I hate pigs and that’s exactly what she turned out to be in the end – just another pig with a badge, despite how cool she was in jail. I wonder if I’d have been as attracted to her if she hadn’t been in uniform?

Maybe I was wrong in assuming this summer’s monsoons would be fierce. Almost every evening it looks like we’re gonna get slammed, but it never happens. All we get is a little wind, a few rumbles of thunder and shit for rain. If it were going to be a fierce summer, it would’ve been by now. Guess this is why they call this the desert!

Although the storms are cool, the lack of them has its good points, too. No losing power, no potential wake-up calls. I got the freeloaders as potential wake-up calls just as I did in Phoenix and that’s enough.

I had a great idea for the base of Joy’s stand. I decided that after he cuts it smaller dimension-wise and square in shape rather than round, I’ll take the same material used to make her dress and cover the base with it. I also have spare scraps of carpet that I could use for future bases as well. That’d look cool.

I saw a documentary on a penitentiary in Louisiana that opened after the Civil War. This was right after slavery ended and this is what the freeloaders used as an excuse to become the mean, hateful criminally inclined assholes they still are today. We’re to blame too, though. All we were doing was breeding criminals by making them slaves, and simply turning them loose in the end was where we fucked ourselves over. They should’ve either remained as slaves or been deported back to Africa where they belong.

Later…

I looked at Jade and decided – why wait for future bases when I can carpet yours? So I took her off the base, traced the circular base on the back of a piece of carpet where the netting is, cut it, cut a hole in its center to go through the pole her waistband’s attached to, then slipped it on and down onto the base. Then, to keep the ends from lifting upward, I secured them down with glue. Now I’m washing a bigger piece of carpet that many a rat has peed on. When it’s washed I’m going to cut a thin strip of it to glue around the sides of the base. Then she’ll look more or less like she’s standing on a mound of blue carpet.

FRIDAY, JULY 26, 2002 Damn Mary and her not putting enough postage on envelopes! I told Tom not to bother making the time to pick this latest one up and to let it get returned to her. Speaking of messages, I’ve obviously sent one saying: I’ll bitch about it, but Tom will make the extra time to pick it up in the end anyway.

Not anymore. She should know by now what’s too much to be stuffing in one envelope, so anything with postage due is going right back to her till she gets the message and gets her postage straight.

Tom stopped at a hardware store after work and got a round wooden base for Joy. This will make me feel a lot better as her metal stand alone isn’t very stable. For the bigger, heavier dolls, you really need a heavy wooden base, versus paper-thin metal.

He also got a couple of ceiling fans, so the den and living room will finally have them.

THURSDAY, JULY 25, 2002 We were having problems with the instant messaging thing. Besides, I decided I just didn’t want anyone bugging me while I was online. Especially some mixed-up kid.

I finished the clip Mary sent me. This clip was when she ran from Justin in Florida with Gretchen to New York where she and her homeless brother were stuck in a hotel with less than $100 to their names.

Talk about hard times and curses! My heart totally goes out to her and Gretchen both for all their pain and suffering. It serves as a reminder, particularly in Gretchen’s case, that we can’t always count on God to help us and that sometimes God does give us more than we can handle. Again I have to ask myself – how much of God is for real versus wishful thinking? Sure, we’d all like to believe that there’s some loving, guiding salvaging force out there, designed to protect us, but when we consider how much more bad than good there really is in this world, I don’t see how that can be possible. Not for the most part, anyway. It just seems that any good, loving God wouldn’t allow innocent babies to be killed. I know there are those who would respond to that statement by saying that he has his reasons, but I’m sorry. I just don’t see what kind of reasons could possibly justify the slaying of an innocent child. Nothing about what happened makes “sense.”

If only Mary cut ties between them sooner than she did. I cut the ties between Doe, Art, Larry and Tammy and never again can they or will belittle me or try to control me. I pulled back and looked at them as people, not parents and siblings, and when I didn’t like what I saw, I put biology aside and walked away.

I wish more people could do the same when the situation calls for it.

It burns me up to think of how many times Doe and Art smacked me around only to get away with it, while I lose time, money and freedom to bullshit words.

So when the thought of my curses and life’s unfairness gets me down, I think of Mary sitting in a jail cell, feeling like a complete failure for not saving her daughter. For not having the courage to say “no” to abuse, be it physical, sexual, verbal or mental, until it was too late.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 24, 2002 Time is making it easier to deal with not seeing Teddy Bear, though I’ll always think about her and wonder about what happened. I still don’t see how something I wrote could get her in trouble. I’m the one who has to pay for other people’s actions, remember? I’m still pretty sure she changed her mind. If she’d either lost my number or didn’t get my letter, that’d be one thing, but to have lost the number and not gotten my letter? I don’t think so.

As much as I would’ve loved for her to keep her word and come see me, I realize that seeing her could’ve been a bad thing. With my being attracted to her and my having feelings for her, I could’ve been torn between her and Tom, not that I’d have left Tom. I still believe he’s the only one who could ever accept me as I am and deal with our living arrangements as he has. That’s where I’m glad he’s not your typical red-blooded man, or else the not sleeping together wouldn’t fly with him so well.

Anyway, I guess I’m meant to be both faithful and celibate, but that’s okay. I can live with it for I have Teddy Bear in my fantasies and she’ll always be in my memory.

With the way I’m so fed up with society as a whole, I think to myself, just as soon as some bitch or some cock pisses me off bad enough or threatens to kick my ass in a place where I have no visits from Tom or commissary to lose, you’re going to lose it like never before. After so many years of being held back for various reasons, you’re going to explode on them so badly. They’re gonna think they can flatten you cuz you’re short, and you’re going to show them that no they can not just step right on you and snap you in half as if you were merely a twig.

Then I tell myself, no you won’t. You’ll sit there and you’ll take it and you won’t fight back. You’ll make up some excuse as to why you didn’t fight back, you’ll send them the wrong message, they’ll take advantage of you, they’ll get away with fucking you over, and God will see to it that you suffer just because you thought of fighting back while he protects and worships the ground your perpetrators walk on. And no, you wouldn’t have nothing to lose if you did fight back. You’d get in hot water somehow cuz you know you can’t get away with shit. You’re punished with other people’s evil deeds as well as for things you didn’t even do, so you sure as hell would be made to pay for things you did do, even if the person deserved what they got from you.

Words cannot express how frustrated and angry I am at God for protecting anyone who ever did me wrong. People have beaten me, stolen from me, lied to me and so much more, yet they never ever had to pay the consequences for it. I’m not saying they should all be thrown in jail, I’m just saying that it’s rather sad to know that while people are walking away from murder, I’m paying for stupid, piddly-assed shit. I pay for other people’s hatred, vindictiveness, stupidity, misunderstanding, incompetence and greed, but who pays for wronging me?

I look out my office window. I see a tiny portion of the house two lots away and I wonder? Am I one day going to fall victim to its occupants for 7 years while I’m completely powerless to do a damn thing about it? And all because they might think I look too Jewish or because they have connections in law enforcement?

As I learned the hard way time and time again – I don’t have to go looking for trouble. Trouble does a fine enough job of finding me on its own.

There are about 250 million people in the US. I figure about 80 million of them are black. Wouldn’t it be oh so awesome if one by one, they could all drop dead?! I’d settle for just a few million. And they could up and die suddenly too, for no apparent reason, leaving the surviving blacks baffled and fearing they’ll be next.

I thought about typing myself a threatening letter supposedly from them, but it wouldn’t do me any good. First of all, it could be determined that the printer that printed the thing lives in this house. Also, unless it was the last piece from the package, it could be determined that the paper came from this house. Even if they couldn’t prove it was my paper and my printer that printed it, all they’d do is say, “Well, we couldn’t find any fingerprints, they say they didn’t do it, so there’s nothing we can do.”

Of course, I know they wouldn’t do anything even if they did have physical evidence. Between God and the Jew-hating law enforcement officials that can’t believe non-whites would fuck over a white person and don’t want to, there’s simply no revenge and no justice in this case. They won. They won in Phoenix and they won in Maricopa.

Anyway, Tom tried to set up IM software so Justin and I could do instant messages, but it wouldn’t work. Also, I don’t think I dig the idea of swapping messages with an 11-year-old kid. I have enough mixed emotions about Paula as it is. I mean, I do care about her or else I wouldn’t write her or send her dolls, and I know she can’t help being the way she is, but I get sick of the flakiness. When I think about it, though, she’s never done me any harm, so associating with her can’t hurt. Besides, she’s all the way on the other side of the country. It’s not like we’re neighbors. It’s the little things that bug me. An example of that is how I asked her to let me know when she gets the packages, though they won’t be mailed for another week or two, and she said she would. I know better, though. I won’t hear about them either way till one of us catches the other by phone, though maybe Justin will mention it. It’s no biggie, though. I mean, I’d rather have to wait to find out if she got the dolls and what she thought of them than to have Jew-hating blacks and Hispanics playing their music for us, trashing our yard, then ultimately getting me tossed in jail to be led on by someone I end up crushing on.

I was so, so crushed out on her! We just didn’t have enough time together in the end there. Our time together, in the end, went too fast. How I wish we’d established our little thing for each other sooner than we did! I’m sure we both liked each other pretty much from the get-go; I just wish we’d known it.

Back to the dolls - it’s a damn good thing they don’t have a conscious, the poor dolls. It may sound mean to say this, but those dolls would be so miserable if they did. Instead of being in a nice, spacious modern house, they’re going to be in a cold, damp, small, old and ugly place, having to hear Paula, Justin and God knows how many other people, screaming and yelling about this and that.

Later…

Justin said he saw the pictures, but Paula didn’t. I’m not surprised. Paula’s always so wrapped up in her own little world. One kind of has to feel sorry for her, though. Her life’s been the same as long as I can remember and it doesn’t look like it’s ever going to change.

I’m hearing more thunder this evening, but seeing fewer clouds. Tom said they said it could storm tonight, but I don’t know yet if it will.

During the daytime, I hear this squeaking sound that I figured was some bird doing a weird chirp, but I learned today that it’s the prairie dogs making the noise. I noticed I was hearing a lot more of it these last 2 or 3 months. It’s always the same pitch that lasts for a second. It was really weird, though, cuz I saw a prairie dog do it while it ate lettuce in front. It’d munch away, then open its mouth to emit a squeak, then eat some more, let out another squeak, and so on and so forth.

TUESDAY, JULY 23, 2002 Got lots to update on. For starters, I got the Fairy of Cork. She’s cute and her fiber optics display is much nicer than Chris’s. It’s more colorful, displaying more of my favorite colors. Chris only displayed green and red with a touch of blue. I’m sure Paula will love her, though. I doubt she’s ever had anything like the dolls I’m sending her and I doubt she ever will, either. I think this will be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for her.

Anyway, this fairy’s not attached to her wings which is what the fiber optics are attached to. She’s supposed to sit on a seat up against the wings that are attached to the back of the seat, but I thought she blocked too much of the wings. Therefore, I stuck a Kelsey doll on it. Kelsey dolls are slightly smaller than Barbies. This doll looks better on it. Meanwhile, I put the fairy on a shelf in my office. The only thing is that she’s battery-operated also. I thought she was a plug-in.

Other than that she’s 14” with red hair and green eyes with purple glitter eyeshadow.

I got two letters from Mary. The letters themselves were brief. The bulk of what she sent was book parts. I’ve got about 32 pages to type up.

So Hope’s trial is done from what she told me. The day after she sent the letter was the day the verdict was to be in, but I don’t know what it is or how she went from looking at 40 years to life, but this is what Mary told me. I know this is Arizona and that Arizona will practically hang a person just for breathing wrong, but she must’ve done more than break her baby’s ribs, as bad as I know that alone is. Maybe Mary can fill me in more cuz I just looked again and couldn’t find squat online.

Are those of us who supposedly sent threatening letters that much more entertaining than the child abusers?! If Hope’s kid were black, that’d be different. Then they’d plaster her story all over the place, calling her a racist.

The for-sale sign’s gone. I don’t know if it’s cuz someone knocked it down or if that property is sold. All I can do is what I always do when it comes to any new neighbors – hope they’re white and not trouble-makers. Especially not trouble-makers, but as I learned, all I can do is take whatever shit people dish out to me. The only one that suffers when someone fucks me over is me and the only one that suffers when I try to fuck someone else over is also me, so I won’t even bother to think about any kind of complaints or retaliation. It’ll either be useless or get me thrown in jail.

It looks like the shower leak’s fixed that he caulked, so that’s good. Also, he epoxied Ciara’s stand, my big 38” doll.

I switched back to my old wallpaper changer cuz Webshots was getting to be a pain, always wanting me to compress files and not saving pictures from other sites into my wallpaper directory. It’d save them to the directory, I’d just have to create a whole new file in order to add them in. With this one, I don’t have to do that. I still have Webshots on my computer, though, so I can still get pictures from them, then export them to my directory/changer.

I finally called and spoke to Justin and Paula after Paula said she’d call me back and never did. Without telling her what I was sending, I told her to stay out of jail so she could get the 2 or 3 packages I plan on shipping. Also, I hope she’ll at least be kind enough to call and let me know when she gets them. Hopefully, her PO won’t shelve them for a month before letting her know they’re there. I wonder how it is that they know when a package contains something that’s back-ordered. Unless it’s just part of the doll curse that’s on me, and hopefully not on her too, the PO has some way of knowing which dolls were back-ordered. Those are the ones I get as soon as they arrive.

Tom didn’t even have to wait in line for the fairy. This time they put her in the box they left him a key to.

Anyway, I spoke to Justin as well, answering a few computer questions for him. I told him I’d hang up with him and go send him direct links to all my albums and to let me know if it worked, and it did. I figured it would, cuz it worked for Mary. I’m still going to enclose a picture CD in one of the doll boxes for them.

He tried to get me to tell him what I was sending his mom, promising not to tell, but I knew he would. I gave him hints, though. I said there were 15 of them and that they consisted of a good variety. Also, like I told Paula, she needs to start making as much room in her place as she can.

Naturally, in spite of how dumb his poor mom is, Justin’s obviously not very bright himself. His writing was the equivalent of a 5-year-old’s, rather than an 11-year-old’s. Even an 11-year-old should know that ‘didn’t’ isn’t spelled ‘dint’. They must suspect I’m sending dolls, though, cuz I find it really hard to believe they could be that stupid.

All Paula had to say was the usual – how much stress this guy brings her whom she has so much fun in the woods and who dropped the charges he filed on her. I asked her, but what if he files charges again and doesn’t drop them?

“Then I’ll do 90 days in jail,” she said, “but God help him when I get out.”

I just don’t understand why she’d want to hang out with someone who could land her in jail, let alone put all the stress on her that he does. I don’t know, maybe she likes it in a sick, twisted sort of way. My own sister gets off on abuse from men.

Anyway, I told Justin that Tom would load up IM software so we can do instant messages.

I sent album links to chickenmax to see if they’d pick up their mail from me since I knew it would automatically notify me as soon as it was. They never picked it up and now I’m not sure what to think. Is it them shutting me out, or is it someone else altogether? Neither one makes sense at this point. If it was them, why ignore my mail when they could either block me out or change their address? If it’s not them, wouldn’t they either read the mail out of curiosity or let me know, hey, we don’t know each other?

Well, either way, I won’t be sending anything else.

I saw a roadrunner eat a baby prairie dog yesterday. I didn’t know they were carnivorous, but some birds are, so why not?

No cheeks today. I wish he’d show up on a day when Tom and the car were gone, so I could have the pleasure of saying “no” to anything freeloader-related, though I will say “no” the next time he wakes me up.

I thought we were going to get stormed on yesterday evening, but all we got was some wind, one little rumble of thunder, and a tiny bit of rain.

I know it’s a waste of time worrying about us getting old and dying while we’re still in our 30s and 40s, but I fear the end and that we’ll be alone and helpless. How will I take care of him if he gets really sick or senile when he gets old? How will I see him if he’s in a nursing home? What if he dies first and I’m forced to kill myself, knowing I couldn’t go on without him, and wouldn’t want to, even if I had all the money and transportation in the world? What if someone killed my husband, like some pig on a macho car chase that I couldn’t get to in order to kill them before I killed myself?

What if, what if, what if! Wish I could quit the what-ifs! But that’s easier said than done when it comes to Tom, my one and only true blessing in life. It’s not that I don’t have any other blessings, but most of those are material.

Ironically, ever since I quit wanting a kid, babies don’t always seem to be everywhere I go, though I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Back when I wanted one, it was in everyone’s conversation, on every billboard I’d pass by – everywhere. It was as if something up there wanted to torture me all the more, though it is still on TV like crazy. Yeah, I saw part of a documentary where a teenage gang-banger was expecting. She’s totally the kind that makes my blood boil.

Yesterday’s trip to the dentist went well. No cavities. They did X-rays like they say they do periodically. They did it right there in the chair, too. At the other place, you had to go into this little x-ray booth.

She asked me if I was still drawing, then I remembered the pictures I sent her. I told her I got sick of that and had hopes of becoming a dollmaker. She said that sounded cool and that maybe I could show her pictures. I asked for her email address and sent her the links to my albums so she could see what I have already, besides the critters and the land which we also discussed.

She complimented me as usual, telling me she likes my hair color.

Got a good-sized sample of toothpaste and another whitening kit. The stuff really works. I think this will be the last time I’ll need to do this for quite a while.

On our way out of the waiting room, the doctor asked if we knew the man waiting for the next appointment, a guy who was also from Maricopa. He told us where he lived and we both knew the streets he mentioned. He has a conservatory business at his place. Tom got his web address. We might go check it out sometime, as well as this place in town just 10 minutes from us that has porcelain doll signs. I don’t know if they sell them or just make them or both.

Later…

Another pretty rainbow off in the distance. It’s clouding up out there, but I don’t know if we’ll get a storm or how much of one we’ll get if we do.

We went the way we usually don’t go on our way back home yesterday and saw that they were paving more of the main road. Just two years ago we were 7 miles from any paved roads. Soon we’ll be just about one mile away!

Anyway, after leaving the dentist’s, we went to Fry’s Electronics. He got a new computer case and a new modem, in case the one we were using was no good. It was okay, though, so we’ll keep it as a backup. After an hour’s worth of work, Tom got us back online. At least we were only unable to go online for a day and not weeks.

I also got some white paper as well as decorative paper with a big tulip. At home, I sent in for the $3 rebate on the white paper.

Our last stop was Denny’s. Not only was the food great (my T-bone was cooked to perfection and cut very easily), but the people were civilized for a change. It was just our luck that no screamers were near us. The oldest kid around us was around 10.

SUNDAY, JULY 21, 2002 I don’t know what the hell’s going on with Paula. She never called me back and there’s been no answer at her place. I just hope to hell she isn’t in jail so she can get the dolls! Of all the times I send her something other than a letter, it’d sure suck if she wasn’t home. I hope someone else could claim the packages and make sure she gets them when she gets home if this ends up being the case. I wouldn’t know if they emailed me since last night, cuz our modem is fucked up.

God, I wish our stuff would stop breaking and leaking!!! Just 3 months. 3 months without anything breaking or leaking! Why is that so fucking much to ask for??? A lousy 3 months!

Anyway, I’m having fun editing MP3s, but it’s a time-consuming job. I sit there fine-tuning old journals while the files save and compress themselves. I’m on the 1994 journal now.

SATURDAY, JULY 20, 2002 I never heard back from PG. Makes me think they haven’t shipped the doll yet. I just sent another message to let them know I didn’t hear back from them yesterday and would like an answer today.

I also left Paula a message last night, never hearing from her via phone or email. I hope she’s not in jail. Of all the times I ship something to her, it’d really suck if she went to jail now for 3-6 months.

I just upped and called Paula. She answered, saying she’d call me back. She sounded rather depressed.

Just got a message saying they left a message saying they shipped the doll on the 12th. If this is true, she should be here between the 23rd - 26th.

FRIDAY, JULY 19, 2002 Just got back from Scot a few minutes ago. Still no mention of classes.

Good, cuz I’m taking classes for me. Not for the state.

This time, instead of asking how many years I had left, he said I had a little over 15 months, then I’d be done.

“Well, I hope so,” I said. “That’s what I was told nearly 3 years ago, so I don’t believe anything till I see it.”

Tom said it’d be best if I kept my doubts to myself so he doesn’t feel challenged and like I’m putting down his profession. Yeah, he doesn’t need to remind me about Arizona’s little sensitives. It’s just that I don’t see how Tom can be so gullible as to believe it’ll be over 10/30/2003 just cuz they say it will be. Have they ever told us the truth yet? So why should he believe them now?

Anyway, if they prolong it, I’m sure it’ll be my fault just like most everything else seems to be and that I won’t fight back. I’ll just sit back, take whatever shit they dish out to me, and God can go on protecting those involved. I know most people would tell me I’d be crazy not to fight any extensions they may try to throw at me, or else this shit will never end, but you know what? The judge said this is over on October 30th of ’03, so October 30th of ’03 it is which means there won’t be anything to fight. If the courts can’t keep their word, then I’ll just have to keep it for them. Maybe I’ll casually mention moving out of state to Scot the last time I see him. That way word may get back to anyone who might be thinking of taking advantage of me, and the prospect of my being not so accessible might deter them.

I nearly stepped on a snake on our way there. As soon as I stepped out the side door, I saw a black and white striped king snake (at least I think it was a king snake) that must’ve been getting a drink by the AC that’s by the door. As soon as it saw me coming down the stairs, it ran under the stairs, then under the skirting of the house. The movement startled me until I realized it was a harmless snake.

It was a cool-looking snake. I hope to see it again long enough to get a picture of it.

Yesterday afternoon and early Wednesday morning, a big black snake was out front. Both times it ended up in the brush surrounding one of the big trees by the wash.

I’ve been putting a fresh bowl of water out in the wash every day. The prairie dogs and rabbits love it.

I never did get to see the dentist on Wednesday. Her daughter had appendicitis. I was pissed too, to have come that far in the heat and humidity. It was cloudy throughout most of the trip and even rained some, but still, we went all that way for nothing. It wasn’t till after we’d left that she tried to get a hold of us.

While I was there I got a free sample of tooth-whitening gum. I’m sure it doesn’t really whiten teeth, but it’s got a nice refreshing taste anyway, so I had Tom pick some up at the grocery store. I’ll be seeing the dentist on Monday, I hope. We made the appointment early to beat some of the heat.

Paula, or probably Justin, sent an email saying they couldn’t get into my online photo albums, so I asked if they wanted me to send pictures on a CD. Then I discovered a way to send them links to take them directly to each album. I’m still waiting for a reply as to what they want me to do.

Meanwhile, I’ve been updating my doll albums which has been taking forever! That’s cuz of the higher resolution I’m now using. I’m also going to add a 10th album called Assorted Pets which will consist of pictures like the pigeons, Bunny, guinea pigs, etc.

Later…

I emailed PG asking when the last doll I’m expecting was shipped. Hopefully, they’ll let me know soon enough, and they’ll give me the correct date, too.

It’s back to being like June weather-wise. It’s hot and clear, but not so dry that my hair’s full of static. I’m gonna get a small humidifier sometime in October so I don’t have to deal with that again when it gets really dry.

All my uploading is done. I have 10 albums and 245 pictures in total. Someone downloaded 6 doll pictures yesterday. I know they had to be either pictures of Joy or Barbies, cuz that’s a very small album and those are the only pictures in it till the Fairy of Cork and others join it.

I threw in a couple of other dolls for Paula. She’ll be getting a total of 15. Wish I could be there to see the look on her face! I just hope she has room. I’m sure that somehow she’ll make the room, even if it means buying and putting up some cheap shelves. She’ll be getting Anne, Edie, Chris, Christina, Giselle, Misha, Ashley, Nakita, Selena, Melanie, Stephanie, Shauna, Gloria, Katie and Mary.

I made a second doll picture file. One’s for the dolls I have (porcelain), and the other’s for the dolls I’m giving her, plus the two I took apart, and my vinyl dolls, except for Tyler.

I currently have 28 porcelain dolls, plus Tyler displayed. They are Patrice, Colette, Ciara, Autumn, Pine Leaf, Sacajawea, Jade, Joy, Bailey, Summer Dream, Asha, Nyla, Murganah, Carmencita, Angel, Falling Star, Praying Spirit, Valentine, Emerald, Mei Lin, Meagan, Victoria, Tiffany, Maria, Rapunzel, Twinkle, Sugar Plum and Lollipops.

I’ve written just under 230 pages since my release.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 17, 2002 Damn these mother-fucking dogs! I’m sick of our land being a playground for Maricopa’s dogs! And Tom’s only giving them more to play with by trying to bury those pipes. I told him he was just going to have to redo them over and over again. Dogs dig. They’ll just keep digging them up no matter how much dirt he throws on them. He’s better off throwing them under the house till the place is fenced in.

Our latest leak curse is right by my shower. I stood inside the shower stall with water streaming onto the doors and Tom said he didn’t see it leaking. I think it’s coming from underneath and that somehow a connection between the pipes, which are in sections, pulled loose. When the water pools in that area, it seeps through the wood and up into the carpet.

In other news, I didn’t receive a reply when I sent Paula an email, not that I expected one.

I have a dentist’s appointment at 11:00.

TUESDAY, JULY 16, 2002 I did cut out a couple of the crazies. So now I have 3 rats and 3 mice. Much easier to handle.

It’s pretty cloudy out there now. Cloudy enough to have the blinds open. It’s nice for a change when it’s cloudy. You get sick of the constant bright sunshine. It also lowers the temperature somewhat. Early in the morning is gorgeous at this time.

I saw a giant white dog and a giant black dog walk across the property in front. Fortunately, they stayed off of ours and out of our shit. Oh, I can’t wait for the fences! They won’t be up, though, till close to the end of the probation. Well, of course, right? Isn’t that what I said all along?

I also saw a black snake this morning. I guess they’re afraid of quails. The quails chased it back down into a hole. Then it popped its head up and looked around for a while after the quails split, then it pulled itself up and out of the hole and down into another a few feet away. I hope it hasn’t eaten too many of my prairie dogs! When it emerged again a few minutes later it slithered off into the brush. The prairie dogs must sense danger close by cuz I haven’t seen them yet.

Nothing ate the jellybeans I threw out yesterday morning. After we set the bombs off we went to Circle K for some junk and I got some jellybeans. Not liking citrus flavors, I threw out the orange, green and yellow ones.

The best news of the day is that I received Murganah and a letter from Mary.

Murganah is absolutely gorgeous! Just beautiful and she’s definitely the best PG doll yet. Strangely enough, though, she has painted nipples that show through her sheer blouse. I love her colorful, shiny outfit and her gold glitter eyeshadow. I didn’t know she had this eyeshadow. I couldn’t see it in her picture, but when I took pictures, I shot facial close-ups, so it’d be visible. Then I uploaded them to my online album. Of course, I’ll be enclosing pictures for Mary, too.

The total viewings on my albums are now up to 103 with 1 download on a land pic.

In Mary’s letter, she praised me and thanked me for being there for her, then she told me she’d been depressed. They really put their foot down about letting people out to make evening phone calls and she’s bummed out about it cuz she can’t talk to Todd, who works in the daytime. Maybe she’ll be able to find a DO willing to let her out sometime in the evening so she can call him. In the meantime, at least they can still write to each other.

Another favor - she asked me to look up some site on coping with depression and stress and to print out what I could find, but I couldn’t get to the address she gave me. She either gave me the wrong address or they don’t exist anymore.

She said Hope may get 40 years. What is that really – 12 years? I’m confused, though. I thought the 11th was her sentencing. And why is she going to trial – because she refused to plea bargain? Why is her case taking so long? She’s been there over a year and they’re just now selecting her jury? I don’t get it. Whatever happens, I hope she gets what she deserves and is never allowed custody of any kids.

I doubt it, though. I’m sure she’ll get some kind of a break. Good things happen to bad people all the time.

In response to my comment about the humidity with the onset of the monsoons, she said she was glad to be inside with air conditioning. She said she had a heat stroke last November when they shut the AC off. Yeah, I know all about heatstroke. That’s why I can’t believe that they can make people live in tents in a desert. Arizona and its sick laws never cease to amaze me!

She didn’t say anything about when she was leaving. Just that she wouldn’t mind staying there, even if prison is supposed to be easier. Yeah, I wish she’d stay there, too. I wish Pérez would return so she could find out for sure if she got my letter, and of course, I wish Teddy Bear would return. If Pérez tells her she didn’t get the letter, then I’ll either think it wasn’t mailed or she didn’t get it, which could mean Teddy Bear didn’t get hers either.

I didn’t know this, but some inmates wear what’s called a Taser belt under their clothes so that the guards can zap them if they go crazy. Hope and Monster will have to wear these.

I hear so many people on TV bragging about how wonderful this country is, but is it? I mean, look at us – we won’t allow a woman to be president, but we’ll pay the freeloaders to sit on their asses all their lives. We allow people to marry people of different races, but not of the same gender.

So just how great are we really?

Naturally, this is just talk at this point, but Tom’s thinking about getting an old truck next January with the stock money. He said that instead of fixing the AC on this car, he’ll either keep it as a backup or sell it. Meanwhile, he’ll get a cheap, 20-year-old truck to fix up.

It’d be nice if we could have a truck for hauling in the fencing, among other things, of course.

With Paula not being so bright, I was able to quiz her yesterday on the phone about dolls and was told what I figured she’d tell me – that she’d collect more dolls if she had the money. Space-wise, her place is small, but she is looking for a bigger place.

I just hope she can stay out of jail! Yeah, her life’s pretty much the same old, same old that’s getting worse. She just can’t stop hanging with the wrong guys. After she laughs about the fun she and this guy have in the woods, she goes on to list all kinds of horrible things about him. Things that are obviously stressing her out big time. When I tell her she should dump him, she goes, “I know,” then she says she’s gonna kiss his ass to get him to drop the charges he filed against her. Then maybe they can have a relationship.

She is one mixed-up woman!

The guy shoves her into a wall one minute in front of Justin, then tells him the next that he’d never hurt her. Meanwhile, the guy’s supposedly charging her with stalking and threatening to do bodily harm. She said she thought she had one 90-day suspended sentence, but her PO informed her she had two. The PO also told her to go to court and try to get the charges dropped or else she’ll violate her.

They also wouldn’t waive her $270 fine and she says Justin rang up a huge phone bill too, but they credited some of it.

The lady cop she slugged has been harassing her, she says.

On top of all this, she’s driving with a suspended license. It makes me wonder – does she just not care or does she want to go to jail? Even she herself said she wasn’t going to make it.

Not at the rate she’s going.

I asked about the email and I guess Justin deleted it without even bothering to show it to her.

MONDAY, JULY 15, 2002 We’re going to be bombing in a few hours. I’m so fed up with these crazy rats that I’m considering cutting them down from 4 to 2. Naturally, Tom’s pressuring me to keep animals I don’t want, but what kind of pets is this? I can’t tame them, I can’t associate with them in any way except to hand them food. They won’t let me handle them. They just won’t.

I sent Tom’s birthday balloon off and it slowly sailed up and away. It was in view for quite a while. It moved slower than the last one and was easier to see cuz of its colors.

I tried calling Paula yesterday morning, but she said she had to call me back cuz something was going on there. What it was, she didn’t say, and as I figured, she never did call back.

SATURDAY, JULY 13, 2002 Believe it or not, my doll came yesterday, but I didn’t get it, of course, cuz the PO was closed when he got the notice. I have to wait until Tuesday. So the non-back-ordered dolls are late and the back-ordered ones are early.

Tom’s computer’s been having problems. Well, of course. It’s not even two years old.

His birthday balloon’s still hanging on. Makes me think it’ll survive forever, though it is getting lower.

The community Webshots people sent me my weekly statistics on my online photo albums.

I forgot to watch the news on the 11th for any information regarding Hope’s trial. I couldn’t find anything pertaining to her when I looked online, so if there ever was a trial, I guess it wasn’t worth mentioning. Everyone must be the same color then. Therefore, it’s more important to cover the poor, poor abused blacks who are really the abusers themselves which nobody wants to believe, rather than the innocent baby whose ribs were broken by its sick mother. In today’s minority-loving society, news would travel faster concerning ���cases” like mine than cases like Hope’s.

Now I can get 15 pictures a day. That’s because we set me up with a new email address. They’re such nice pictures that I printed out a few.

I still watch old reruns of Charlie’s Angels. I could never get sick of them. The show is so 70s, too. If they were creating the show today, at least one of the angels would be black or oriental. In fact, that was the case with the movie they made based on the series; one was Asian.

THURSDAY, JULY 11, 2002 I finally got Carmencita, and for two fucking weeks the mother-fuckers at the PO had her sitting on a shelf. Again they claimed they attempted to deliver it on the 24th when she arrived. Why the fuck do they do this? I mean, they have to deliver it sooner or later, so why not sooner? Do they just get off on making people wait?

They haven’t yet done this with the back-ordered dolls so hopefully PG will ship the remaining two a day or two after they receive the new shipment, rather than 5, and the PO will let me have them as soon as they get them. What? Do they have so much extra shelf space that they can afford to simply stick boxes on shelves till they feel like giving them to the people two weeks later? Or even a month later like they did with the last doll?

Anyway, I’m glad she finally made it home. She looks much nicer in person. She’s 22” and dark-skinned. I polished her nails silver in contrast to her dark skin. I left off the headdress and the feathered cape. I didn’t like how they looked. I’ve got her holding her maracas, though. Instead of having the stand hold her by the waist where it’s more noticeable, I have her held by her upper thigh like one of my all-porcelain ballerinas, Patrice.

She’s got a fabric-covered stand and what appears to be a different, yet nicer outfit, than what’s in her picture. The picture’s outfit looks like it’s plain white material, but mine’s shiny and more of a pearly white. I like it much better, though I can’t get the bottoms to fit as in her picture. They’re awfully low and she’s a little thin-waisted, but still very nice. I like her a lot. I’m sure I’ll never want to sell or give her away.

Anyway, she has brown eyes and hair. Her curly hair hangs just past her ass and goes to her knees when pulled straight.

Her costume is accented with orange, purple and green beads as well as gold sequins.

Tom was tired as hell when he got in. There was a typical crisis at work. I guess the imaging machine went on the fritz. Tom wonders why they don’t give him more money after they brag about what a hero he is when he fixes things.

Doesn’t he know by now we’re destined to be used and ripped off?

I downloaded about 23 Webshots pictures from samplers, then my daily 5 that are allotted to me until and if I become a member. Their pictures are gorgeous - excellent clarity! They make things look good like lakes and woods, something I was never gung-ho on looks-wise, as opposed to tropical and desert scenes. Sunflowers – not my favorite flower – they make them look great! This is total kick-ass professional photography.

Later…

I added one of the Giselle dolls to Paula’s collection, but as I’ll tell her, she’s a fixer-upper more or less. She needs a stand, eyelashes, and either a new outfit or work done on the one she’s in (I had cut the lining out under the lace skirt). Meanwhile, the other Giselle sits naked and bald on my closet shelf.

Now I can get 10 Webshots pictures a day instead of 5. I log in as Tom after I’ve logged on as myself, and that’s how I double what I get. I have 38 pictures so far and I can live with getting 10 a day. It’ll give me something to look forward to and it’ll save us $20. That’s 70 pictures a week, minus any I may delete. Sometimes they don’t look as good as I thought they would once I display them on my desktop.

I decided that September 1st would be a good time to order Christmas Jewel, whom I’ll just call Jewel rather than Chris since I shorted Christmas Glow’s name to Chris. She’d be $24.98 with free shipping and $18.73 if they really did screw up by letting me have two more 25%-off coupons. The membership comes with two, but I may have 4. We’ll see. I doubt it, though. However much she costs, we’ll have a Maricopa PO box by then and hopefully they won’t throw her on a shelf for 2-4 weeks before giving her to me. I can’t blame PG for the PO’s fuck-ups. It’d be nice if half their dolls weren’t out of stock, but I can live with that.

I wish I were as black as Carmencita. Not just because it’s a great time to be black in today’s minority-loving society, but because it’d hide my zits, veins and other blemishes.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 10, 2002 Got up at 5:30 this afternoon. Sure enough, the indoor animals were ready for dinner, and the prairie dogs were just out front looking up at me as if to say, “It’s about time!”

I never did hear any music last night.

Being that it was coming up on 6:00 and starting to cool down, sure enough, I could see a couple of adults and a few kids out back. I really don’t like looking out back there to see 5 people milling about. I don’t know why it bugs me so much, but it does. I know I’d rather see people 500’ away than hear them 3’ away, but I’d really rather not have to see them either. Especially when it’s so often.

I caught and scared off a couple of dogs from tearing up the pipes that poor Tom worked so hard at covering with dirt. Fuck these fucking dogs! Oh, I can’t wait till we get fences!!! Doesn’t anybody in Arizona besides Mary allow their dogs indoors?

In better news, I was completely stunned out of my mind to learn late last night from Tom when he emailed me from work that the doll had arrived. He headed out before I got up and should have it in the car right now. He’ll be in around 2 AM.

I’m trying a new wallpaper changer at this wallpaper site that has the nicest wallpaper pictures I’ve ever seen. They’re all high-res. and they all fit nicely on my screen. They have a huge variety, too. Even skaters, dancers and gymnasts. The two catches are that you have to use their wallpaper changer program in order to use their pictures at all, and you can only download up to 5 a day unless you pay $20 for a year’s membership. I noticed Tom’s got this thing (Webshots) on his computer, too. I was surprised since he never cared about wallpaper.

I’m having some problems with it, though, so I don’t know if I’ll keep it. It keeps stopping on me and defaulting to the pictures I’m using for my screensaver, which are the skaters, dancers and gymnasts. I’m using flowers for wallpaper. Trying to, anyway.

TUESDAY, JULY 9, 2002 We had a storm blow through, though it wasn’t too much of one. Some of the humidity seeped into the house. I can feel it till the AC kicks on. The storm has lowered the temperature, so that’ll save us a bit of money.

Tom just left for work. Good. I’m tired of his irritability. He gets all moody, defensive and impatient with me at times and it gets old.

He sure cracked me up earlier, though, when he got his fingers stuck in the bars of the rat’s cage for a minute. He’s lucky Little Buddy wasn’t Ratsy, Scuttles or Houdini. He’s even luckier he wasn’t the bear.

Woke up the same weight as yesterday – 121 pounds, so that was a bit discouraging and therefore I’m taking a break for today. I’m stuck too, and if I don’t go at some point, I’ll be up a pound or two come tomorrow.

When I asked Tom to guess my weight, he guessed 108. The man’s either just being nice or he’s completely blind, though all the muscle I’ve got from the regular workouts does weigh more than fat. I haven’t been 108 since jail, and if the freeloaders can keep from controlling what I eat, I probably never will be again till I’m an old, dying, sickly lady.

The Friday after next, after we see Scot, we’ll probably go to the Olive Garden one last time. We used half of the $40 credit, so we’ll use up the last half next time. I’ll probably get the eggplant and enjoy that to the tune of a screaming, whining kid. I swear kids weren’t this unruly before the late 80s to early 90s. There’s no such thing as discipline anymore and when there is it’s usually not in a good way. Why do people take babies to restaurants? I mean, you don’t take a baby to a restaurant. How rude!

Got a big doll poster from PG. Yeah, that’s all they’re good for. They’re pretty reliable when it comes to that and their catalogs. If the doll was mailed on the 20th, and I don’t know that it was since they keep changing their story, then the 10 business days would’ve been up last Friday and not Thursday. I forgot that Thursday was the 4th, but even so, it should’ve been here a week ago or even more. Especially coming from San Diego, but like I said – no more mail-order dolls! It’s too bad too, cuz I really like this company, but I’m sick of this shit. I really am.

MONDAY, JULY 8, 2002 Tom, who left a couple of hours ago, is to stop at the PO before work. If the doll’s there, he’ll email me a little later on. I told him not to bother if it isn’t, but watch, he’ll go and email me anyway to get my hopes up for a second there.

Anyway, he thinks it’ll be there, but with their track record, I don’t think it will be. I’d say it’s more likely I’ll have mail from Mary. If I’m right and it isn’t there, then I’m not gonna know what to believe. Meaning, I won’t know if it’s the PO’s fault, or if it wasn’t yet shipped. I still don’t see why it’s such a big deal to send me the dolls I order within a week. It’s like – just grab the dolls off the shelf I ordered and deliver them to the fucking address we give you! Is that so hard? Obviously, it is, and this tells me it’s a curse. If it had been a few dolls every now and then, then I’d say it wasn’t, but every single fucking doll?

I can’t swear to it, but I might’ve finally heard from the renters last night. I’ve heard faint spurts of music the last couple of nights. Two nights ago, it was louder at the back of the house than at the front, and even louder at the utility end, telling me it couldn’t be the renters. It was probably at Dan’s. Last night when I heard music at 11:00, I looked out back and saw no lights at the renter’s. Again I assumed it was either the renters or someone else entirely. But when I heard it later on as late as 1:00, the front light was on at the renter’s. It dimmed for a sec as if someone was going to turn it off, then changed their mind, so I don’t know for sure where it was coming from or if it was from multiple sources or what. In the backwash of light, I couldn’t tell if anyone was hanging outside. Unfortunately, they have evaporative coolers, which means that if they do have a house stereo turned up, they can afford to let the sound out through open doors/windows.

Also, they seem to have changed schedules with the seasons. They seem to be asleep throughout most of the days, then out and about at night when it’s cooler like the blacks were. The Mexicans were round-the-clock people, but mostly night creatures. In the winter, 4 out of 5 times I looked out back, I’d see people. I’d still really like to get privacy hedges of some kind someday. They’re not only an eyesore, but they’re just too visible for me. If they didn’t have so much shit in their yard and they weren’t constantly hanging outside, then it wouldn’t matter as much, though they’d still be nice. The whole idea of living out here is to escape civilization. Well, if we ever do have an Arizona room or a pool someday, I don’t want to have to see people most of the time I go out. They’re a little close for comfort, though the people next door are closer and the house across the street will be even closer once it gets here. I guess the land’s still for sale in front.

I couldn’t stand to live in a place with no AC during the monsoons! And I’m sure they don’t have any AC. Just the EC and a furnace.

Tom brought up the idea of getting 4 small evaporative coolers next spring that you stick in your window just like with air conditioners. Well, it’d certainly save money, but it’d bring in the smell of horse shit. I know from Phoenix that evaporative coolers don’t filter outside smells. I remember smelling all the barbecues in the area as well as the orange blossoms. However, just like with most things we talk about getting for the house or doing with the land, I’m sure it’s just that – talk.

What I’m gonna make damn sure isn’t just talk is the fences we agreed we’d get in January. I’m sick of our yard being a regular playground for Maricopa’s dogs that no one cares about. It’ll be perfect timing too, since by the time they’re up, the kids in back will be getting to that age where they can play outside with less supervision and I don’t want them thinking our backyard belongs to them.

Tom’s so wrong when he says it’ll take a couple of weeks to put up. Even I know it’ll take more like a few months.

Tom and I are now thinking that he might make a large sitting doll to sit on the loveseat in the den. A couch, a chair and a loveseat are a bit much for two people, so why not let some dolls use the extra seating space? In contrast to the black velvet, I’d like him to make a blond doll with green or violet eyes. That is if he wouldn’t mind. If he wants to make an Indian with dark hair and eyes, he certainly can do so.

The more I think about it, the more I believe the outcome would’ve been the same with or without a confession. What fucked me over was pleading guilty, having Paul for a “lawyer” who was my enemy, having the wrong judge, and telling the interview lady that I wouldn’t fight whatever was dished out to me. That’s what got me. I should’ve refused to talk to the pigs, no matter how much they might’ve spited me for it, pled not guilty, and gotten a real lawyer. It’s just that I was determined not to spend any more money on the black bitch than necessary, but what did it matter? We were destined to spend thousands anyway, so why not a few hundred more? I had no way of knowing this at the time, though, of course.

Back when I was having a rough time dealing with Teddy Bear’s blowing me off, I broke down and prayed to God to let me get over her. Then I kicked myself for it and said to myself, are you crazy? When you gonna learn that he doesn’t give a damn?

Yet ironically enough, I haven’t been so hurt over her since. Is it a coincidence or not? I don’t know. I mean, what if I prayed for the sun to rise and set? Could I then say the sun rose and set because I asked him to have it do so? What if I asked him, God, please protect and always watch over my current/future perpetrators? Never let them get caught or pay for any wrong they may do me. But once again, that’s a done deal. So I don’t know about this prayer thing. Given how few prayers he’s granted me, I’d say it’s just a coincidence. I’m getting over her on my own.

The more I think about it, the more I don’t think I want to live in a retirement community in the future. We couldn’t have neighbors as bad as we did in Phoenix, and we may have no choice but to get into the city once we start getting older and the doctor’s office becomes a second home to us, but I know that the people next to us are going to be the ones to have their screaming grandkids over practically every day, not to mention the barking dogs.

Just jumped up to throw a few pieces of bread out for the quails, prairie dogs and bunnies.

I got up to 125 pounds again, so I began cutting my calories a few days ago. I’ve lost 4 pounds. The question now is, do I want to keep going? Or just eat my way back to 125, then lose it again?

It’s clouding up out there. We’re now entering the official monsoon season.

Later…

Still no email. I’m not surprised and I am so done with the mail-order dolls. So, so done with them. Just as soon as I somehow manage to get the 3 I’m waiting on and fighting for, they can keep their discounts and free shipping coupons.

On the first, I changed the tattered flag to the iris flag.

About 45 minutes ago, I spotted movement just across Ralston behind a big tree. Three kids were huddled under a big tree, obviously trying to hide. Assuming they were up to no good, and assuming they might start a fire with a joint or a cigarette, I went out front with the hopes of my presence causing them to move on. After a second I came back in, and sure enough, the kids moved on, heading on down past Meadow Green. One was high school age or close to it and the other two were around 8. They had a medium-large white dog with them, too.

Later…

No email. I’d say that if he hasn’t emailed me by now, I was right about the doll not being there. The question is, did the PO give her away or are they just not letting me have her? Was she even shipped? Maybe we should’ve used UPS after all since it’s not like I get dolls every day, but because it’s a curse, it doesn’t matter who delivers them or who sells them. There’d still be problems and delays either way. Meanwhile, he can let me know if I got anything from Mary.

It just dawned on me that I forgot to write about Blackie’s grand escape a few days ago. The crazy shit got out the front door which I’d forgotten to latch. I spotted her under the TV stand that Ciara had been propped up on and knew it’d be useless to try to coax her into a tube, cuz as soon as I lifted it up, she’d be flying out of it. She’s no different than a wild rat, I swear! Finally, she ran across the room to the cage. After a few minutes, I coaxed her to climb up and into the top of the cage.

Blackie’s the biggest of the nutjobs. The Spotless Ratsy’s a little better, then Little Ratsy’s, with The Carpet Rat being the bravest, although none of them are tame. They’d never let me handle them. At least not willingly.

Later…

As soon as any music starts, I’ll open the kitchen window to see if I can gauge its location. I sure as shit won’t have any lights on so no one sees me. Not only so I can see out there better, but so that if it is the renters, they can’t see that they got my attention enough to cause me to look out back, cuz that’d just egg them on all the more.

If it is them, why now? Is it someone who just moved in with them or who’s visiting? Or did they just get a new stereo?

We also talked about getting me a new foam bed in January and turning the king-size bed I use into a twin that we put side by side in the master bedroom. Then the only thing will be dealing with the snoring, but at least I won’t be able to feel him. We won’t use the same sheets/comforter.

I have mixed emotions about doing this. I mean, do I really need to feel “normal?” I certainly don’t desire sex, so I don’t know. We’ll see. I may never be able to adapt to the fucking snoring he does anyway. No matter what we do, I still want a new bed cuz this one’s sagging at the side. Even the waterbed was nicer than this bed.

His lack of concern for what I may or may not want sexually is amazing. Then again, if there’s any one subject – no two subjects – he never cared what I felt about, it’s sex and my wanting a kid in the past. As I told him, I can’t promise I’ll never fool around on the side with a woman (though I highly doubt it), but doesn’t he care? He seems so indifferent to the idea of it that it surprises me. The idea of me getting it on with Teddy Bear back when I thought she was a person of her word didn’t seem to concern him one bit. Maybe that’s because he knows we’re each other’s number one, and most guys don’t mind the idea of two women if it doesn’t totally turn them on big time. But I just didn’t think Tom was ever like most guys when it came to sex in the first place. His near-zero appetite is usually a woman’s thing. Maybe it’s more common than I think, but I don’t see how because while I’ve heard of those who can’t rise and of those who squirt prematurely, he’s the first case I’ve heard of who gets hard but doesn’t cum. I still think it was about impregnating me, but I’ll never know for sure. Had we continued on with the sex, I may’ve found out one way or the other once I hit menopause, but if we’ve gone this long without screwing, we’ll almost certainly never screw again. I think that would be awkward for both of us. I think we’re used to the way things have been, and personally, I prefer it this way. The only sex that appeals to me in my mind right now would be getting it on with Teddy Bear, but since that’s never going to happen, I’d just assume stay celibate. I’ll probably keep going with the celibacy indefinitely which is all I can do for a few reasons: I can’t make myself desire him sexually, I can’t make him make himself desire me sexually, and I don’t expect to ever meet another woman I’m attracted to that’s attracted to me too, that I actually end up getting together with. Besides, if we did, it’d only be once or twice.

I’m just so thankful I haven’t been like I was 4 or 5 years ago – always wanting sex and desperately wanting a kid. That was one of the most miserably depressing experiences I ever had to endure. A definite, definite curse. No doubt about it. I just don’t see how something like that could’ve “just happened” without a reason. I just hope to hell it never happens again.

I ask myself, the screwy sex life you guys used to have bothered you, so why doesn’t it bother you that your husband doesn’t desire you sexually these days? I guess the answer’s because one, the feeling’s mutual, and two, I don’t think it’s a case of him not desiring me personally. I think he has no desires. Period.

SUNDAY, JULY 7, 2002 Paula B is going to be one happy lady! I went and fixed up the dolls I no longer want which are a dozen in all. My original plan was to try to sell them at a consignment shop when I was making my own dolls, but then I thought about surprising Paula with them. I won’t tell her to look for them till they’re on their way. She’ll be one ecstatic puppy and will love each and every one of them. She doesn’t have the picky tastes I do, as far as I know. This will no doubt be the opportunity of a lifetime for her; getting 12 dolls at once. Not even I got that many at once! This is roughly $250 worth of dolls, too. She’s getting Anne, Edie, Mary, Christina, Katie, Ashley, Shauna, Melanie, Stephanie, Selena, Nakita and Misha. They range in size from 12” sitting dolls to 22” standing dolls. She’ll get 5 blondes, 1 redhead, 1 with black hair, and 5 brunettes. There are 3 with blue eyes, 3 with green eyes, 3 with gray eyes, and 3 with brown eyes.

I took pictures of them after I fixed them up and got them fully dressed right down to the shoes, with stands for 9 of them that bear their names underneath. Then I created another doll file, so now I’ll have a file on my own dolls, then any I give away or sell.

Instead of putting them all in one big box, as Tom pointed out, it’s best not to put all our eggs in one basket, so we’ll ship them in 2-3 boxes. It’ll be about a month, though.

I’m watching these adorable cottontails out front right now, eating the bread I threw out. I see that same quail family every day too, and of course, the prairie dogs.

Tom started burying the plastic pipes with dirt in two different places in the front wash. Eventually, he’s going to create a loop driveway and this is how he’ll drive over the wash.

Before, with no dirt on them, the wind would kick them up. This morning he caught a dog playing with them. Yeah, I remember seeing dogs playing with them a while back, and you know, that is really fucked up. Totally fucked up. This is Maricopa. The city’s where you’re supposed to have problems with dogs and trash!

“But we’ve got 100 times more land here,” Tom told me. “You couldn’t even fit this house on the lot in Phoenix.”

Yeah, but I’ll still feel much better when we get fences. Dogs even got into the trash bin and made a fucking mess so Tom put water in the old umbrella’s stand to put on top of the wire mesh that sits on top of the bin.

Anyway, we may open a PO Box here in Maricopa soon and get a bigger box that’ll allow for bigger packages. Being a small town, it should hopefully decrease the fuck-ups, but I don’t know. People are stupid, be it in big cities or small towns.

Tom re-inked my cartridges and I printed out some doll pictures for Mary. I mostly wanted to show her Tyler, but with my changed settings, I also wanted to show her a close-up of Bailey so she could see how realistic-looking she is. The sharper settings look better on the computer screen, but I don’t think they print out much better. I didn’t print them on the higher-quality setting either, so maybe that’s why they’re still a bit grainy.

SATURDAY, JULY 6, 2002 Cool. They’re gonna send me weekly emails with my album statistics. So far my 223 pictures have been viewed 30 times with 0 downloads and 0 guestbook entries. Guestbook entries are where people can leave comments regarding your albums.

FRIDAY, JULY 5, 2002 I’m ever so glad that someone created misters since the car’s AC is still broken.

Anyway, I was in and out of seeing Scot fairly fast. What held us up a bit was some girl who was talking about going out of town.

This time I asked him – don’t you remember? – when he asked how long I got. He chuckled and said that with 70 clients, he couldn’t. Then he said I could do the rest of it standing on my head.

Maybe, if he doesn’t wake me up or bring up classes again.

After we left him and hit Circle K for some drinks, we originally planned to go to the doll store, then to the Olive Garden, then to Walgreens, then maybe a pet store. But once we got to the doll store, I was like – oh, I have to have this doll! We can forget about Walgreens (I was going to look for a coffee bean grinder) and the pet store.

They had a 40% off the entire store sale, and I ended up getting this gorgeous 16” vinyl fashion doll. I was surprised it was vinyl. I could’ve sworn it was porcelain at first, but it’s a very hard vinyl Tyler Wentworth doll. It’s normally $80, but we got her for $47, plus tax which put her at $51. I rounded her off to $50 in my doll chart file.

Anyway, she has rooted brown hair in a high-pitched ponytail, light-painted eyes, and is as poseable as a Barbie doll. She’s dressed as a businesswoman, wearing a white cotton blouse with lapels that button down the front with elbow-length sleeves, a black knee-length wool skirt, black stockings and black velvet high-heeled pumps. For accessories, she has a black leather belt with a gold buckle, a white beaded necklace and dangling gold and pearl earrings. I polished her nails metallic carnelian.

I never thought I’d like a vinyl doll so much. She’s way more realistic-looking and better proportioned than Barbie. I can see myself getting one or two more of these. I don’t need a lot of them cuz they’re still overpriced for vinyl, but I want the black and the oriental ones they have. They’re just so nice for someone who was never really into vinyl before. Perhaps when they have another sale again, I can get another one. I’m on their mailing list now.

They also have porcelain fashion dolls, too. Maybe when we take classes Tom can make one of those, and I’ll make the doll they recommend starting on – the same sleeping baby JBS recommends. Yeah, it looks like we’re gonna be taking classes with them. But when we don’t know yet. Perhaps in the fall because they’ll have more daytime classes then.

Tyler also came with a portfolio containing pictures of other fashion outfits. I checked out the website I found in it. The dolls range from $50-$150. The average one seems to be $80-$120. Pricey, but nice. Perhaps I can make porcelain ones in the future and just buy their outfits. The outfits are a bit pricey too, at around $40-$60 apiece. I think they’re worth it, though. You can get dressed dolls, outfits, shoes and other accessories.

Their store was much bigger and nicer than JBS’s.

So, as of right now, I have 2 dismembered and dead dolls, 13 packed away, and 29 displayed throughout the house. On display, I have 9 blondes, 1 redhead, 7 brunettes, 1 with auburn hair, and 11 with black hair. Hopefully, soon enough, there’ll be another brunette, another redhead and another with black hair. PG finally emailed me back, saying they couldn’t call the post office and that they recommended we use UPS. Well, UPS does come here, but we don’t want people coming to the house, even if it’s not every day that I get dolls. The doll may’ve come in yesterday cuz now they’re saying it was shipped on the 20th. Tom will find out tonight if she’s there and pick her up on Monday if she is.

After we got the doll and asked more about classes, we went to the Olive Garden. It was pretty good, but as usual, I had to sit and listen to a screaming kid throughout it all. He got lasagna and I got Alfredo with shrimp, muscles, crawfish, scallops and mushrooms.

THURSDAY, JULY 4, 2002 PG completely blew me off yesterday. I was surprised. I expected some response, either way, not to be ignored. I guess this means they’re not gonna do anything for a couple of weeks or so. Meanwhile, Tom put the note in the mailbox at the PO. I know, though, that due to this doll curse that’s on me for whatever reason, she’s going to have to sit at the PO for a while, since she wasn’t back-ordered. In other words, I can’t simply order a doll and get it within the normal 7-10 business days. Tom thinks it’s in transit and that it’ll be here Monday, but I don’t think so. Not with the track record I have with getting dolls in the mail. This is San Diego we’re talking about coming from, not Boston. So how can it take that long?

Later…

Tom’s up now working on the car’s AC. It’s not gonna cost us the $300 to fix like we thought it would. It’ll cost about $30, but he realized just now that he needs an adapter he doesn’t think he has. Yeah, I knew we were gonna have to sweat our asses off tomorrow going to Scot, the restaurant and the doll store.

We ought to have two special accounts, I told him. The Breakage Account and The Freeloader Account.

Later…

I should’ve fucking known better than to think this AC bullshit would cost just $30. It turns out the problem’s not what he thought it was, but he doesn’t know what it is.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 3, 2002 Damn this doll curse and damn that post office! I already sent a message to PG, telling them that they let the last doll sit on their shelf for a month without even trying to deliver it, so could they give them a call to double-check for Carmencita? I’ll have Tom leave a note in the box, too. Either way, I know that if I haven’t gotten her by now, I’m in for a wait, as usual.

Why does this always have to happen to me? Why?

In other news, I was standing at the kitchen sink yesterday evening at 7:30 when I heard sirens. My first thought was, oh no! My worst nightmare’s come true, but I didn’t do it! I swear. Whatever they’re here for, I didn’t do it!

Then I thought of the new rental. After all, they’re like the freeloaders only without the music; always something going on back there. Sure enough, I peered out back and saw an ambulance there, though I couldn’t tell what happened. All I saw were a few adults and a few kids milling about, then a woman came from either the side or the back of the house and got into the passenger side of the ambulance before it took off.

Nothing going on back there that I can see of today. God, they’re an eyesore with all the shit they’ve got on their property, though like I said before, better seen than heard. There’s always someone home too, so maybe there’s an elderly person living there that needs caring for and that’s who the ambulance was for. Tom even suggested this. Remember, we live in a time when homemakers are bashed, even if they have small kids, so it’s unlikely that someone’s home all day without some other reason. Also, it’s very hard to afford even junk houses on just one income, and most people don’t make what Tom makes in this state. He makes excellent money for Arizona.

The more I think about it, the more I think it’s the house that ends up in front of us that I’ve got to worry about. It’ll be the closest house to us, something God will no doubt take note of. If the closest house to us in Phoenix had been the house across the street, then that’s where the blacks/Mexicans would’ve been fated to end up.

Tom and I made a few deals. He says he promises to bury the old plastic piping that keeps getting blown around this weekend that’s sitting in the wash, and he says we can get fences in January.

We’ll see, but with or without the freeloaders and Scot hanging over me like a dark cloud, being the never-ending shadow that exists in my life, I want this damn property fenced! I’m sick of having to worry about dogs approaching me whenever I go out. I’d feel a lot less exposed, and we wouldn’t have to lock the gate. Not unless I was planning on sleeping during cheek hours. Otherwise, locks would be useless against anyone up to no good, cuz all they’d have to do is cut the thing with metal cutters.

Anyway, I’d be willing to bet my dolls on Scot’s not lessening the home visits as the so-called end gets nearer. I think he’ll play this up to the end just like I’ve always said. And just because he hasn’t said anything, I’m not gonna assume I beat this class bullshit, either. If October 30th of ’03 were tomorrow, I still wouldn’t assume this was a closed chapter in my life. After the way I’ve been lied to, tricked and manipulated in every conceivable way, why should I believe anything I’m told now?

Because Scot came so late in June, I wonder if this means he’ll skip July altogether and come in early to mid-August after it’s been about 6 weeks? It’s just so asinine that I have to see him as often as I do over a letter. If I’ve got to be on probation, I shouldn’t be seeing him more than once a month. I’ve seen him 37 times already in the 13 months I’ve been home. What did those pigs say about me?! They no doubt said I was this dangerous monster from hell! Tom said that that would’ve been the impression that was given, too. Yeah, I’m sure it was. Always gotta exaggerate, the fucking pigs.

Though it would be nice if they’d magically disappear, I don’t want all the blacks and Mexicans to die; I just want them to leave us alone and get the fuck out of our lives! They’re not going away and I know that, so as long as they cannot interfere with our everyday lives, I’ll live with them. I have no choice. I just don’t want them ever again to make their business ours and to get me thrown in jail when they’re the perpetrators who provoked me and deserved whatever it is I might’ve given them.

But I know better now. There’ll be no words either out of my mouth or on paper should this ever happen again. In Arizona, you either beat your tormentors off your back or you simply sit back and take their shit till one of you moves.

Anyway, I’m guessing there’ll be about 10 more visits here from Scot, so when you add that, plus my visits to him, plus the times I’ve already seen him, that’s nearly 80 times I’ll just have to see him in a 2½-year period over a letter!

I’m just so afraid of being set up again! They already know we won’t fight back, though I intend to surprise them next time around now that I know the law better, but because I’ve sent a message to the state saying I’ll take whatever shit they feel like dishing out to me, that could make me a little more vulnerable to more corruption and abuse by this fucked up system.

Later…

Wow. It’s actually thundering out there right now. The winds are dead calm, though, and judging by the looks of the clouds, I doubt we’ll get any real rainfall. At least the clouds cool things off a bit, even if it makes for more humidity. It brings the renters outside more, too.

Later…

The usual slew of workers is in back now. It looks like this time around they’re working on their cooler.

We had a few minutes of rainfall, but now it’s clearing up.

No photo album viewing for yesterday.

Still no response from PG, either. Hopefully, they’re getting on the PO’s ass about delivering me the damn doll rather than just saying that they tried to. Or maybe they’re going to wait till it’s been 30 days from when the doll was shipped. In that case, the doll will just have to sit at the PO till then. Maybe not, though, if Tom will agree to put the note in the box.

Finished proofreading 1987-1993, so now I’ll begin 1994.

TUESDAY, JULY 2, 2002 I just realized that I haven’t seen that many iguanas this year, though I don’t know why.

Those vultures are huge! I just tried to get a shot of them, but they flew away. These things are bigger than some small dogs! I did get a good quail family shot, however. It’s a bit hard to see the babies, but they’re oh-so-cute! They’re barely palm-size, and it’s so cute how they follow Mom around.

My 195 photos have now been viewed 29 times. Still no downloads, though. I’m adding two more albums; a third doll album and a wildlife album. That’ll make 9 albums in all.

We couldn’t get AOL to work. Of course not! After all, you wouldn’t think God would allow us to save a whole $100 bucks a year, would you? At least he ought to be really happy with me for this album thing. After all, I’m serving the public for free.

I got rid of the Carmelhead, as I’d call her. I have one too many crazies as it is, so now I have 5 rats: Little Buddy, Little Ratsy, The Spotless Ratsy, The Carpet Rat and Blackie. I have 3 mice, too: Pearl, Cutie and Half-Patch.

Got a quick note from Mary thanking me for the letters and promising to answer them as soon as she can, but she’s been sick, she says. She says she even told her family not to visit. I don’t know in what way she’s sick, be it physical or emotional.

I can’t wait till the 11th. It’ll be interesting to see what happens to Hope if anything. Also, the 22nd. That’s when Mary may know if she’ll be hanging around longer or leaving for Florida.

MONDAY, JULY 1, 2002 Stamps went up 3 cents. 37 cents is a bit much to be mailing as many letters as I have to Paula. Besides, unlike Mary, I never hear back from her, so I’m gonna cut my letters to once a month to her. She never even emailed me back.

Tom signed us up for AOL, but last I knew he couldn’t get it working, so we may stay with Earth Links.

So far, my 195 photos have been viewed 19 times (no downloads yet), the rats being the most viewed, believe it or not. I have 7 albums in all – 1 land, 2 rats, 2 mice and 2 dolls. One of the dolls and one of the mice albums has yet to be viewed. I emailed Mary about it, but they don’t get their mail too often so they might not know about it yet.

My dolls are really nice compared to what I saw which was mostly paper dolls. Paper dolls, can you believe it? Boring! A lot of Barbies, too.

I decided to begin a new collection as soon as I can – a rat and mouse mug collection. This site makes mugs, t-shirts, prints, mousepads, key chains, etc. Besides, my dog and cat mugs are getting rather old.

Sure enough, one of the prairie dogs was looking up at the window at me, silently pleading for a treat, so I threw a carrot out. There are a few baby prairie dogs out that are quite cute.

A slew of new dolls hit PG. They have a really nice 30” showgirl for $149. I may get her instead of Chari sometime next January. I won’t be able to make woman dolls so easily that require special outfits that I can’t get just anywhere, like at a department store. I’ll probably have to buy these kinds of dolls. It’d be easier, anyway.

A couple of days ago I emailed PG to get a date on when Carmencita was mailed and they told me she went out on the 18th. That means she should be here by Tuesday, though after 7 dolls, I certainly do know better.

Whatever was eating at my throat and energy levels the last couple of days is gone.

[five-rivers]

Long Night in the Valley Chapter 4

Trigger warning for suicide and suicide baiting.  Starts and ends at the * asterisks.  

.

There was something wrong with the school.  Other than it being entirely within Midoriya’s head.  It was… ominous.  Foreboding.  The way the walls joined together was wrong.  The colors on the posters clashed.  The incomprehensible background noise made by the bright blurs was jeering, mocking.

It reminded Aizawa too much of his old school, the one he went to before UA.  Of the looks and the hate he got just because his quirk frightened people.

But Midoriya had a straightforward physical quirk.  Correction: he appeared to have a straightforward physical quirk.  Even if he’d had the bone breaking problem, he shouldn’t have experienced anything like that.

Aizawa was shoved, hard, from behind, and that shouldn’t have knocked him off balance, but it did.  He tumbled, painfully, to the ground.  There hadn’t been anyone there to push him.

Except the blurs.

He cursed inwardly.  He had been too fast to dismiss them, he realized, as cruel laughter rose up around them.

“They can touch us,” said Aizawa.  “Be careful.”

“Yes, sir!” said Iida, sporting a black eye already.  “I apologize for my inattention.”

More laughter.  An older, but still indistinct voice rose above the sound, along with a taller blur.  A teacher.  The condescension in the tone made Aizawa’s teeth hurt.

He caught sight of Suzuki ahead.  “Come on,” he said.

“Let me try something, sensei,” said Todoroki.  He raised his arm, and ice filled the hallway, pushing out to either side.

The blurs ignored it.  The jeering increased in volume.  Aizawa could make out individual words, now, like ‘useless’ and ‘freak.’

“Good thought, Todoroki,” said Aizawa.  He tried not to let his trepidation show.  He had a feeling this was going to be difficult.

The children looked at him in horror.

“Sensei,” said Iida, “you’re being… encouraging?”

“Just follow them,” said Aizawa, pointing.  He wanted hazard pay for this nonsense.

“Yes, sir!” said Iida, zooming off.  He was immediately tripped again.

Luckily, Suzuki didn’t seem to be having much more luck.  The blurs, which Aizawa guessed were somehow Midoriya’s memories of his former classmates, were just as violent with him.  Aizawa couldn’t see Midoriya anymore.

Laughter.  One of the blurs scratched at Aizawa’s side and murmured tauntingly.  They passed a nurse’s office where nothing but cold words and cold winds emerged.  The hallways smelled like smoke and sugar and things that had to be related to quirks.

There was a loud ring overhead, and the blurs abruptly vanished.  Despite the burns Aizawa had suffered (when?) he forced himself to speed up.

He almost caught Suzuki before he entered the classroom.

Iida slipped on the tile floor, hitting him from behind, and all of them skidded into the classroom as a tangled mess.  Aizawa hadn’t been this clumsy since he was in middle school.  What was going on?

Midoriya was sitting at a desk, hunched over and muttering.  The desk was, to put it nicely, ruined.  Even from Aizawa’s current perspective, he could make out some truly hateful things carved into the wood and metal.

Aizawa dearly hoped that this was exaggerated.  Even so, he was going to seriously talk to Midoriya about therapy and taking legal action against this hellhole.

“What are you hiding?” asked Suzuki, roughly.

*

The classroom exploded into sound, blurs at the desks solidifying into outlines, into ghosts.

You’re also applying to UA, aren’t you, Midoriya?

Midoriya froze and buried his head in his arms.  Aizawa, halfway up with the intent to stop whatever this was, felt himself freeze as well.

This mindscape affected him far too much for his peace of mind.

The ghosts laughed, long and hard and cruel, the teacher did nothing to stop it.

Then Bakugou’s shade exploded.  Literally.  The smaller Midoriya barely had time to throw himself back, away from the blast.  Midoriya’s reflexes had much improved since middle school, but, honestly, even this much was impressive for someone of his age.

Come on, Deku!  Forget the crappy quirks, you’re totally quirkless!

… What?

Aizawa missed the next several sentences as his mind whirred, trying to comprehend what he just heard.  But then another explosion brought him back, and Bakugou’s next words were completely unmissable.

If you think you’ll have a quirk in your next life… go take a swan dive off the roof!

Just like that, whatever was holding them in place broke, the ghosts fading away entirely, leaving the classroom completely empty except for them and Midoriya.

Midoriya who was shaking, fists clenched, tears running down his face.

“Are you happy now?” he demanded.  “Are you happy?  Why couldn’t you just let me-?  Me being quirkless in middle school isn’t hurting anyone!”  He took several deep but uneven breaths, his shoulders trembling.

Uraraka stepped forward, and Midoriya flinched.

“Izuku?” she said, hesitantly.

Midoriya looked up, his expression guarded.

“The first thing I’m going to do when we get out of here is punch Bakugou.”  She said it cheerfully, one hand in a fist.

Midoriya gaped, but some of the oppressive, terrified, atmosphere dissipated.

Aizawa sighed to himself.  Now that the immediate danger seemed to be over, he moved closer to Midoriya.  He wasn’t sure if it was even possible to comfort a memory or a fragment or figment or whatever this was, but he wanted to be between Midoriya and Suzuki.  Especially given that Suzuki seemed to be able to manipulate the environment to some extent.

“Plus ultra,” agreed Todoroki.

“Uraraka!  Todoroki!” gasped Iida, scandalized.  “You can’t just punch a classmate outside of school supervised sparring!”

“I love you Iida, but you’re a bit of a hypocrite sometimes,” said Uraraka.  “Especially considering, uh…”  She gestured vaguely at Iida’s hands and then Midoriya’s face.

Iida turned a very funny color, then looked down at his hands.  “Oh my god, you’re right…”  He whispered, horrified.  “What have I become?”

“Besides,” said Todoroki, “Aizawa is like, right here.”  He gestured at Aizawa.  “We can ask him if we can—”

“No,” interrupted Suzuki, “that can’t be it!  Show me what you’re hiding!”  He started forward only to be jumped by three extremely annoyed hero students.  Just to be safe, Aizawa activated his quirk and kept it trained on the man.

“Mind the gun!” reminded Iida.

Ah, yes.  The gun.  Which the man may or may not have recovered at any point due to the impermanent nature of everything here.  Lovely.

“Midoriya,” said Aizawa, “he’s after you.  Get out of here.”

“Yes,” said Midoriya.  “Sorry, sensei.”  He bobbed in an incomplete bow and turned to the door.

And there was that stupid gun.

Aizawa wished he had his capture weapon back.

“What are you keeping secret?” demanded Suzuki, his voice echoing somewhat.

Midoriya clutched his head and screamed, falling to his knees.  His body vanished entirely, but the sound remained, somehow.

The classroom fell apart.

.

Very briefly, Tenya recognized Hosu.  The smoke, the alley, the distant, indistinct cries of Manual.  It wasn’t the alley where he’d found Stain standing over Native, however.  This was… this was Midoriya’s perspective.

The scene shifted again, rapidly.  They were now in the entrance tunnel to the sports festival arena.  The air smelled of smoke.  Todoroki startled, but—

It fell away.  A hallway in UA, the smell of coffee.  Then, one of the soundproofed conference rooms, papers on a table, the writing all blacked out.  Suzuki lunged for them, Aizawa punched him in the face.

Another shift, a dilapidated apartment with footprints on the walls and ceilings.  A microwave hummed in the background.  As soon as it dinged, they were elsewhere again.

Back on the beach.  The light was different.  A single car still remained and—

They were on a rooftop.

The wind blew mournfully.

Midoriya was standing at the edge, uniform in disarray, a burnt notebook clutched in one hand.

“Stop it!” he shouted, almost doubled over.  “Stop it, stop it, stop it!”

Tenya took a step forward before he could fully assess the situation.  If he tried to grab Midoriya now…  There was a good chance he’d go right over the edge.

“There it is!  That smile of his is just a mask—”

“Of course, it’s a mask, you idiot!” exclaimed Midoriya, angrily.

Angrily.

Midoriya rarely got angry.

“I am clinically depressed, and I have anxiety!  That doesn’t make me a villain.  Are you stupid?  Are you on drugs?  Is the whole commission on drugs?  All Might’s smile was a mask ninety percent of the time!  And don’t you dare try to tell me that Hawks’ smile isn’t a mask.  Do you do this to him, too, you sicko?”

Suzuki had gone very stiff.  “How do you know about that?”

“Because I have functioning eyes, unlike virtually everyone else, apparently.  What is wrong with you?”

“You,” said Suzuki, “are in no position to ask questions.  What are you hiding here?”

“You really want to know?  Do you?  Do you?  Huh?”

“Midoriya—”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up, I can’t take this anymore, this is so stupid.”

This Midoriya was… also not quite right, it seemed.  Beyond age.

“You want to know why this place is a secret?  Fine.  Fine!”  He threw his hands on the air.  “This is the first and last place I seriously considered suicide.  Happy?”  The last was said with such an incredible amount of venom that everyone took a step away from Midoriya.

“Suicide?” said Tenya out loud, unable to stop himself.

“I didn’t want to—Hero courses filter stuff like that out!  If they think you’re going to be a liability!”  He was breathing heavily.  “Are you happy now?  You have my- my deep, dark secrets!  You know what- what I was like before, and—”

“Midoriya,” said Aizawa, gently, “it’s fine.  UA doesn’t filter for that.  All you would have to do is attend extra counseling.”

“Really?” said Midoriya.

*

“That can’t be it,” said Suzuki.  “You…” He whipped his head around.  “There was someone else here.  Who stopped you?  Was this where All for One recruited you?”

“What is wrong with you?” demanded Tenya, activating his quirk long enough to skid to a halt right in front of Suzuki.

Suzuki looked past him as if he weren’t even there.  “Who was with you?”

A faint breeze picked up.  Without power, can one become a hero?  No, I should think not…

“All Might?” said Uraraka.

“All Might?!” repeated Suzuki incredulously.

The scene changed in a blink.  They were in a pedestrian tunnel.

Midoriya, as disheveled and tiny as he was on the roof, leaned up against the wall, clearly wary of them in general and Suzuki in particular.

First contact… whispered a voice that dragged across Tenya’s mind like the end of a silk curtain.

“First contact?” said Suzuki.  “What is that supposed to-?”

“Hey!”

They turned to see a figure standing beyond the tunnel’s mouth, in the sunlight.  They were tall and slender, perhaps as tall as Tenya, and wearing a hoody and disposable medical mask.  The voice sounded oddly familiar, but Tenya couldn’t place it.  It sounded like the owner was about their age.

“Ha!” said Suzuki.  “This guy definitely isn’t Midoriya!  You have to admit-!”

“Are these guys bothering you?” asked the boy in the hoody.

“Yes,” said Midoriya.

“Well, don’t worry now!  Because I am here!”

“Are you… a vigilante?” guessed Tenya as the unknown boy stepped into the tunnel.  Many of them had an appreciation for All Might.

“Sure!” said the boy, cheerfully.

“Mutation-based speed enhancement,” muttered Izuku, sliding across the wall towards the boy.  “Fire and ice user.  Five-point activation mass alteration.  Quirk negation with secondary minor telekinesis.  Some kind of thought or memory manipulation, possibly a form of telempathy that allows him to alter the local environment as a side effect.  May have a truth-detection component.”

A thread of ice wound down Tenya’s back.  Even if he didn’t believe that Midoriya was a traitor, that he was giving information about them so freely to this stranger, as if they were enemies, was chilling…  Even if it did evolve that this was just a figment of his imagination…

“Ha!  It’ll take more than that to get rid of me!” said the vigilante, pointing a thumb at his chest.

If Tenya wasn’t mistaken, however, there was a bit of a wobble in his voice.

“Mass alteration can act like freefall.  No conscious control of how much mass is altered, can only reduce mass,” continued Midoriya, now hiding behind the taller boy.  “Ceiling of absolute temperature alteration from average is lower for fire than for ice.  Speed enhancement can be used to power kicks.  Mind the capture weapon.  Scarf.”

“Gotcha!”

The vigilante lunged for Suzuki and threw him bodily into Aizawa.  While the adults were recovering, the students moved to flank the stranger.  He attempted to throw Uraraka in the same way, but she got him with her quirk and he floated towards the ceiling, which he kicked off, enough power in the movement to clock Todoroki in the jaw.

Tenya attempted to apply a kick at the vigilante’s exposed but still-floating back, but was nearly stabbed in the eye with a pencil by Midoriya.

“Sorry,” said Midoriya, breathlessly.  “Sorry.  I didn’t do this for real.  I thought about it.  But I didn’t.  Sorry.”

“You thought about stabbing me in the eye?”

“No.  Muscular.  The sludge villain.  I thought—Maybe I should have.”  His muttering rapidly became unintelligible.

Tenya was distracted enough by the muttering that he took a second longer than he should have to react to Midoriya going after his bad shoulder.  The tip of the pencil dug right into it.

“Sorry, sorry, this is a dream, I know it hurts, I’m sorry.”

“Disengage!” shouted Aizawa.  “There’s no point in fighting these guys!”

“The hell there isn’t!” said Suzuki.

“Dissension among the ranks, eh, villains?” asked the vigilante.

“Hey!” complained Uraraka.  “Don’t lump us in with him!”

The vigilante, somehow, got a hold of Aizawa again.  Despite his young appearance, he had a lot more skill than Iida, or even Midoriya.

Aizawa managed to get a blow across the boy’s face, knuckles knocking his hood and mask askew, and—

He would recognize that smile anywhere.  Even if it wasn’t paired with the floppy bangs they had all come to know.

“All Might?!”

.

Toshinori tried to ignore his growing headache as he laid out supplies.  Izuku was sleeping, and they were safe for now, but it would be foolish of them to assume that the Hero Commission would just let Izuku disappear.  The infinite variety of quirks in the world all but guaranteed someone with a tracking quirk would be after them, and soon.

Thus, it behooved them to disguise themselves.  

In this day and age, the easiest way to do that was to make it look like you had a quirk other than your own.  The bulky coat he had selected included a high collar and an apparatus that covered everything below the eyes, suggesting a disturbing or difficult-to-control mutation.   Of course, he’d also have to wear sunglasses.  His eyes were unfortunately distinctive.  The hair would have to go, too.

For Izuku, though, he couldn’t stand the thought of completely cutting his hair off—it would look strange in someone so young, anyway—so instead he had retrieved the hair bleach.  White hair, combined with a suit and properly worn tie, would make him appear older.  Lifts in his shoes would add to that impression.

The computer pinged.  Toshinori went to it and made a face.  He wasn’t technologically inclined at all, but Six was and had been a different story.  The computer was old, but Six was very good, and large organizations only rarely changed their protocols.

The commission had their tracker, a young rescue hero named Trace.  She was on her way to UA.  The details of her quirk…  Yes.  They could potentially even keep her away from the safehouse, if they took the opportunity to cross their paths…  But they would have to start preparing to leave now.

Izuku woke with a gasp and an anguished cry.  The pain in it was echoed by a spike in Toshinori’s headache.

Toshinori rushed to the room.  “What’s wrong, my boy?”

“They’re not in my head anymore,” said Izuku, knotting his fingers in his hair.

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” asked Toshinori, even as he knew it wasn’t.

Izuku shook his head.  “They’re not in my head anymore.  They’re in yours.”

[unreone]

Aren't You Glad to Have a Boyfriend Like Me?

PROMPT: SERIAL KILLER

Time Taken: 42 hrs 14 min (on/off)

Program Used: IBis Paint

Word Count: 4133

♥~♥~♥~♥~♥

She beamed as I present to her my gift. An expensive perfume that she saw on a shop five days ago. She is squealing in delight at the second she recognize it.

"Oh my gosh! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I can't believe that you manage to buy it~

How could I even return the favor?"

I laugh at how cute she is being right now. Little did she know, I did not even spend a single cent to get it. Wait...no I actually have. Just not mine.

"Don't worry, Giggles. To see your smile is enough for me to say it's worth it."

Nice, that's a smooth one Cuddles. My remark brought a blush on her angelic face. She then pulls me into a hug, something that I expected to get but could still appreciate.

"Aww, this is why I love you my fluffybuns. I'm so glad to have a boyfriend like you!"

I smile as I pat her head. Her wonderful scent wafts in the air as I caress her soft, pink fur. Oh how much I wanted to stay like this forever. However, a ring destroys the moment.

Both of us stop and look at each other. Withdrawing, she apologize and picks up her phone from her shoulder bag. I watch her expression change from bright to neutral and then grim.

"I know I understand...I will be there as soon as I can."

She ended the call.

"Something's wrong?"

She looks at me with guilt in her eyes. I could tell that she wanted to stay a little bit longer but the call has given her a reason not to.

"I am so sorry Cuddles but I have to go. The nurses who are suppose to work right now got into an accident and Lumpy couldn't handle it all by himself at the hospital. I guess I need to start my shift early."

What a bummer. Her shift is supposed to begin five hours from now. Despite feeling unpleasant, I manage to keep my cool.

"Ah don't worry my love. I understand. Just call me when you need a backup."

"Oh Cuddles. The world will be a better place if critters are as understanding as you. See ya later then. I love you!"

She pecks me in my cheek and runs toward the location of a bus stop. I truly adore her. Cupping my hands around my mouth, I shout out my response.

"I love you more!"

She turns around and copies my volume.

"I love you more than anything!"

Oh Giggles, my love for you is so much that I'm willing to do anything for you...

I wave my hand at her as she runs away. I did not stop until she is out of my sight. I sighed and walks away. I guess I have to continue my mission early too.

Pushing the boulder away from a certain spot, I stoop to pull the hidden latch, opening the entry to a bunker.

Jumping down, I swiftly takes my bag full of supplies and a vacuum cleaner. I also wear the "job outfit" that I borrow from a certain friend that must not be named.

After climbing up the ladder carrying my props, I close the hatch and push the boulder back to its original place.

As I stroll towards the house of my next target, I found myself recounting the moments I accomplished my first goal. It was...exhilarating. The adrenaline I got is much more than the one I have while skydiving.

True, I felt remorse and a tiny bit of guilt after doing it but I'd be lying if I say I regret everything. In the end, watching how that pedobear mofo suffers from my own paws is satisfying, and that's all that matters.

Critters tends to underestimate me since I'm just a kid in their eyes. Yeah I admit that I'm immature most of the times, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of doing serious stuff. I watch enough movies and documentaries to say I know a thing or two with slaying rivals creatively.

It all starts with swaying the prey. Luring him is unsurprisingly not that hard. I just have to send him pictures and epic one liners on his inbox at that stupid dating app and boom! Charmed. He's willing to meet me at a specific, secluded place only me and him know. Never suspecting anything for a bit. He's like a really dumb fish who suddenly bites the bait despite a hook sticking through it!

As the fool arrived at my rented apartment room, he did not see the lover of the girl he always flirts with. Instead, he sees a purple female bunny wearing a cute outfit named Toodles who is infatuated with him. I let him in and offer snacks and tea, which he blindly accepts. As he eat, we talks just as the way we do in our chat.

I remember how he makes that disgusting face at me that he dubbed as his "fierce and flirty look" from time to time.

I am keeping myself from puking at the moment as he leans forward with that breath, asking me for a dance.

Despite feeling unpleasant, I manage to keep my cool. I did not become the best actor in drama club for nothing. I have to convince him that my character is so into him. So I did what I have to do in my script.

I pull him even closer, catching him off guard and making the pathetic asshole blush. This malicious pervert flipping blush! I can't even express my repulsion against this filthy degenerate.

"Maybe I would if you finish your tea~" I muttered in perfect, feminine tone.

Oh I just really smile as I saw that he finally ingested the damn fluid into his system. He, however, thinks it's because I fell in love with him. He drinks the whole cup in one go!

He was extending his hand out to me, about to say something, but found himself unable to do so. Or do anything else at all. His hand trembles before he collapses to the floor. I giggled as he flops like a fish. His mouth is gaping as he try so hard to breathe. He looks up at me with utter confusion in his eyes. Can't talk dirty now that you're paralyzed huh sicko?

"Nothing personal Disco. It's just that I heard that you're really messing around this town. You're pretty famous for being a headache for everyone. Now, let me tell you something. This is for harassing and killing every girl you encountered ~"

I grab the kettle and pour its boiling hot contents on his chest. Oh how euphoric it was to see him writhes in pain. The scent of his burnt flesh fills the room. I was grinning ear to ear as I watch in fascination how the tea spreads all over his fur.

"And this is for assaulting my brother's girlfriend, Giggles~"

I suddenly smashed the kettle on his crotch. He would be wailing in pain at the time if his throat isn't numb. All that came out in his mouth is pitiful gurgles as he pees on the floor. I move and stand besides his ugly face. My entire body is quivering in excitement and rage as I clutch on the shattered kettle tightly.

"And this is for killing her with a fucking kettle you ignorant pimp~"

And with that, I found myself bludgeoning the shittyhead over and over again with a kettle until he resembles a squashed tomato. I keep bashing on his shattered skull even after he stopped twitching. Finally, I stepped on his heart with my heels to satisfy my ears with that squelching flesh. Then, I went to the bathroom to shower the dye away. It takes me four hours to remove the fake color entirely off my fur. Of course, I did not leave without taking his wallet.

It's been three days since the incident and I haven't seen him around, which is a good sign. What I've done is super effective. I think after all that, he wouldn't bother Giggles anymore. Heck, I am confident enough to say that he wouldn't even dare to look at any girl ... hehehe ... look. Something that my next victim couldn't do. That makes everything easier.

I found myself on front of the house I seek. I casually walk towards the doorstep and press the doorbell.

Now I would have skip Mole over since the idiot mistaken Lumpy as Giggles on their blind date. That means, my motivation of killing him is not jealousy if that's what you're thinking. No. It's something deeper than that.

His obliviousness and idiocy is what ticks me off. He killed my precious girl by literally stealing her heart with a freaking stick. Then he just throws it in a filthy thrash bag like it was nothing. Oh how much I wanted to punch him square in the face when I see him pries the door open. But I didn't.

Sounding lanky and awkward, I announced my assumed identity.

"Randell of Happy Tree Cleaners, leaving your homes squeaky clean. Our company is very sorry since we couldn't send Petunia today. However, I am here to take her place. I hope you wouldn't mind, sir."

"Oh. Of course I wouldn't mind at all lad but I think you came pretty early."

Feigning confusion, I responded to him in a shameful tone (which I applaud myself for such a convincing performance).

"Oh I truly am sorry sir. I'm still new to the job and kinda not listening to my superior when she's passing the information over the phone..."

"Ah a newbie. No, don't worry at all. I actually admire you! Working so hard, always ready to face the task at hand as immediately as possible. You're also modest. You remind me of myself back in my younger days..."

Then a long time was wasted for his flashback that I could not see. I really hate delays but I'm not rushing so I let him do his thing.

"Oh silly me. What am I thinking letting you stand outside for so long! Come, enter my humble abode young one."

I thanked him as I went inside. The contents of my shoulder bag clatters against each other for every move I make.

As he leads me to the room he thought I'd bother to clean, I am appreciating the edginess of the vacuum's flexible hose that I'm holding. I am very proud to say I assembled it myself. I have tried it on cows and boy the precision of the cut was just fascinating. I left a clean hole through the chest of the dumb animal.

My eyes are locked on his back as he talks about taking pictures of a case that an evil mouse wanted or something like that. His keys are jiggling as he unlocked the door to his kitchen. He turns around to face me.

"-anyways, here we are in the kitchen, Early Randell. You may begin your "germ extermination," as Petunia put it."

"Oh, only she could do that sir. I have a different method and it's called "trash assassination."

"Really? Sorry to break it to you son, but I believe there's no such thing that's present in this room. There is just dust and dirty dishes."

"Excuse my language sir, but I could see one standing out in the middle of the room."

"Oh my, that must be the apple that I lost a while ago. Could you please take it out?"

"It's my pleasure to do so. After all..."

In a second, I thrusts the vacuum hose on his chest. It delights me how its end easily punctures through his clothes then his flesh. The idiot didn't react at first and only notice what I'm doing when I successfully take his heart out.

"The only thrash I see in this room is you. P.S. I know what you've done to Giggles. I'll come back if you repeat it again..."

He actually tries to escape but oh its just too late.

Resistance is futile after all, no matter how much you struggle old guy.

A few seconds pass before his body finally went limp. I smile as I let go of the vacuum hose.

Whistling the theme song of this town, I grab his filthy organ off of my vacuum. I take a moment to observe how it weakly pulses on my grasp. I find it fascinating that this thing is still beating despite its raptured state.

Then I pick the note I left from and continued whistling. I dump his heart into the thrash bag filled with decomposing materials and feces. If you're wondering where the heck it came from, its hidden inside the vacuum.

Of course I didn't want his heart to rot alone so I let his body join in. It's hilarious that his body would regenerate in there. Imagine respawning covered with shit.

I take out something out of my shoulder bag. Opening his fridge, I start lacing his food with cyanide. The medicines in his cupboard also get the same treatment. A sprinkle for this, a bunch on that and I'm done.

An hour was spent of taking care of the evidence. Cleaning is boring and tiresome but I have to do it. After disassembling the vacuum, disposing my outfit, sanitizing the floor and taking a bath, I went out of the house. I casually dump the garbages in the bin and then I take my leave. Two down, few more to go.

Up next is Flippy. He may seem to be an invincible rival but everyone have Achilles's heel – and I'm about to strike it. Wait, I'm not literally saying my target is the tendon at the back of his foot. The point is I know his weakness and its pathetic.

Currently, I am on my way to the psycho's location. My ears are flattened on the side of my head because of the hood of the black robe I'm wearing. My smiling skull mask is partially obscuring my sight. I am holding a blowgun disguised as a trumpet.

Anyway, for those who don't know what the flipping pants a blowgun is, it's a long narrow tube that shoots out an arrow or dart when someone breathes into it quickly and forcefully. Its content is not a dart though. It's peanuts.

Leaping few minutes forward, I am waiting at the entrance of an alleyway. My clothing blends well in the darkness. Flippy is visiting his psychotherapist and any minute now, he would leave the building and take the path in front of me.

Flippy... he is once my bro. He used to be the man I looked up on since he is serving the military from the age of 15. I thought he was cool but what he have done states he is far from that. We accepted him in our town and boy do I cursed the day that we did.

Turns out he gains an alter ego from the war who is a sadistic, bloodthirsty demon. Giggles and I have suffered hell from his paws. Now, it's payback time.

My thoughts were silenced by a voice whose source I'm too familiar with. As he walks into the desired spot, I blow the trumpet the hardest I possibly could. He screams, obviously surprised. Wasting no time, I push a certain button which allows air to pass through the blowgun. I watch a couple of peanuts shoots straight into his throat at bullet speed. All of this happened in just two seconds.

It seems that he didn't notice what just enter his mouth since he is busy catching up his breath. He looks stupid with his pupils dilated in fear. I toss the trumpet on the ground and run into the alleyway. He follows me, trying to match my speed. Amusingly, his body did not react instantly as I expected. Maybe it's because the number is fewer than the ones he ingested at the party.

"Darn it kid, why did you-"

It's not too long before he falls because of the tripwire I set up earlier. As I hear a dull thud, I turned around and smile.

He is groaning as his lips inflate. Multiple zits appeared on his face. His allergy reaction has rendered him immobile. I take out a knife from my shoulder bag, making sure he didn't see it.

His paws are trembling as he tried to stand. I am towering besides him when his limbs puffs up like a balloon.

"Something's wrong?"

Listening to his whimpers, I could tell how much he is suffering as his body painfully swells. I smirk as I kicked his ass hard, making him squeak in pain.

"You know you deserve it, Flip. If you can't handle the consequences, then you shouldn't have done these..."

As I said that last word, I throw photographs down for him to see. He knows he's to blame for all the mangled corpses in it. In the middle of it all is Giggles with a rose puncturing through her head.

I am overjoyed when I hear him cry. Oh the taste of victory is truly sweet. As time passes, he looks like a balloon animal more than anything. His arms give up since it couldn't support his weight anymore.

He mumbles something that resembles to an apology, which is empty since I've heard him say it countless times.

"You could only pay for your sins with death."

Desperate to live, he tries to drag himself forward, hoping he could move away from me. It's amusing that such an indestructible beast lives inside this wimp. We both know that those stubby fingers never help him in this situation in any way. It only makes him more pathetic.

I then dug my dull knife into his back and watch as his skin bursts. His body contorted as unimaginable pain washed over his body.

"What? You say you want more?"

I poked his shoulder with the tip of my blade and it explodes. The walls are painted by its disgusting contents. It's like I'm playing with a living bubble wrap.

"You like pain right? Don't you enjoy this? Huh? Huh!?"

I found myself caught in a frenzied mood of hacking and slashing. His body is constantly receiving new, multiple wounds. His ugly face is squeezed against the asphalt road. His head is twitching every time I plunge my weapon into his body.

For the final act, I hit the top of his head and zip his skull open, splitting his brain apart.

Panting heavily, I laugh. I've done it! I've defeated the unstoppable force. I stand to observe my work.

I turned around and meet the eyes of a preschooler dropping his lollipop. I could tell that he was about to take my trumpet when he saw something in the darkness moves. I guess my robe is really black. Imagine a floating skull smiling down at you.

He backs away as he saw the blood dripping from my gloves. I wave hi to him and he runs away. Yep, I just scarred a child's life forever. I have a pretty good feeling that he's gonna have nightmares about a skeleton and a trumpet tonight.

Welp, time to dispose this body. Good thing there's an incinerator conveniently placed at the end of this passage.

Dragging Flippy by his foot, I hum the coffin meme tune to myself. He's not that heavy anymore since chunks of his flesh pops like a bubble earlier. Scrapes form on his skin as I pull him.

With a heave and a ho, to the furnace he go. Don't forget the knife and the costume~

I just finished disposing my stuffs when my phone plays that special ringtone. Picking it up from the shoulder bag, I greet my precious Red Ribbon.

"Heya Giggles~ How are you?"

My expression shifts from bright to grim when I hear her weakly whispers that one word.

"Help…"

This was followed by a thunderous crash and a white noise. My heart sank deep into my guts. Running out, I only have one thing in mind – save her before it's too late.

I'm not really paying attention so I collided with someone riding a bike. As my butt hits the ground, I groan.

"Gah! What are you thinking running into me like that- Cuddles?"

Looking up, it's my best friend, Toothy. As he help me stand up, I quickly steal his ride.

"What in the-"

"Sorry Toots! Emergency, I'll return it later."

Huffing and puffing, I pedal like my life depends on it. Cars are beeping as I zoom by them. I've taken sharp turns and gave heart attacks to crossing pedestrians. I didn't even bother to stop when the traffic light is red. The only thing I care about right now is to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

Smoke is rising from the horizon. It didn't take long before the building came into my view. My heart skips a beat as I see its remnants. My blood runs cold as a thought of her crushed body appears in my head.

I am preventing the tears that is burning my eyes to fall. I hop off the bicycle and run closer. I keep telling myself that I'm not yet late.

Broken glasses are scattered around. Shattered walls are laying against each other. I found an opening and force myself to fit through it. As I successfully did, I start searching for any sign of her.

I am frantically shaking the doorknobs when I heard her voice screaming for help. It sounds faint, which means she's far from were I'm at, but at least I know her direction.

I crawl under a fallen pillar then run to a door I haven't check. As I press my head against it, I hear her whimpering. I started to charge myself against it, my new attempts stronger than the last one.

Hang in there, Giggles...

Out of nowhere, something crash which makes the earth trembles. I press my ears against the door again. She's not making any sound anymore.

This prompts me to try harder. Adrenaline is coursing through my veins as I imagined the worst possible scenario. The door slammed open with the force I've applied. I can't help but stumble forward a little bit after that. There she was, six feet from where I am. I could not believe my eyes for what I'm currently seeing.

The Golden Idol is laying on the floor, crushed into dust. The crying face of my love is kissing the guy I assume is responsible for the damage of the cursed figure. A sun ray, originating from a huge hole at the ceiling, illuminates the spot where the two are standing. Her hands are around his shoulder. Giggles withdraw and mouthed the words "Thank You" to Splendid.

My whole body is trembling in rage. When did we kissed like that? Oh right! When we're fucking dead. I clutch something from my shoulder bag. I coughed loudly, announcing my presence.

The two turn to my direction. She gasp. She's saying words but I could not understand them. A plain smile is painted on my face as I quickly walks towards them. I brush pass the girl who turns me crazy in love.

Splendid chuckles and spreads his arms, expecting a hug. That's exactly what I give him...with an extra stab on his chest with my kryptonut dagger.

He's lucky because I'm not gonna do what I have in mind for him. He kneels and screams as his body quickly degrades. I snap to Giggles with a huge smile on my face...

The grasses sway with the wind. The view of the sunset in this spot is truly romantic. I sigh as I look into her eyes.

"I'm so glad that you could understand me, Giggles. I've only done all of that because of you. Now, nobody would ever bother you and we can stay like this forever~"

I smile as I pat her head. Her wonderful scent wafts in the air as I caress her soft, pink fur. Oh how much I adore her cute face.

"I know you didn't expect me to forgive you after what you've done. That's just how much I love you. I will do anything and everything just to make you smile."

I touch the spot at the end of her lips and help her to smile. After all, she couldn't done that all by herself in this state. I smiled as I remember what she said to me this morning.

"Aren't you glad to have a boyfriend like me?"

♥~♥~♥~♥~♥

Since I turned Cuddles into a killer, does this story counts as a creepypasta?

Writing this is a doozy so I hope you like it the same way that I make it. Write your thoughts down the comments!

[gyroshrike]

To everyone who saw the Kalematsuba Call-Out Post

I’m not sure where to start, and my chest is getting kind of tight just trying to plan it in my head, so I’m just gonna try and start saying words and hope it comes together in the end.

Now, I’m absolutely not well known on this site, so you really have no reason to listen to me, but all I can do is speak from the heart and those of you who read this will have to decide whether what I say is worth anything.

Also, I’m not here to show you proof of anything. I can only share my opinions of and my experience with Kale and of these events in a way that I hope resonates with people who aren’t sure how to feel or who maybe jumped too quickly when faced with a call-out post.

I’ve been following Kalematsuba for two years, since he first made his current blog. Since then, this is the first I have ever been confronted with the idea that Kale has the past he does. And I know that’s the cue for a lot of you to claim he’s been keeping it a secret, but what I mean is, is that since I followed Kale I have seen nothing that alludes to him drawing anything other than wonderful, enjoyable, safe content and being anything other than a genuine, trustworthy human being.

I pride myself on having a pretty good bullshit detector and judge of character. When I meet someone, people who usually turn out to be negative or bad people I don’t want to associate with, I usually feel the vibes instantly. I listen to what people say, how they say things. I listen for those same vibes. Kale has never, EVER, not once, given me those vibes. I have never felt uncomfortable talking with him one on one, in a group setting, or as part of his audience.

Now, this not a post debating on whether or not what Kale did was wrong. I’m not here for that. Sexualizing children and child-like characters is bad. (I’m also not here to argue how ethical it is to age up child characters for the purpose of sexualizing them because that’s a whole other can of worms.)

Kale fully acknowledges what he did. When the news broke out in the personal discord channel he mods for his followers he admitted immediately to anyone who didn’t already know the situation:

“for the sake of transparency, I DID used to draw femboy art and "shota" like characters..but it was never about drawing "cp" it was so i could cope with being an effeminate boy..and then people sarted commissioning me for that type of work and it got way grosser than i ever intended it to”

For people who are construing was Kale said in a post he made earlier, then deleted, it wasn’t about sexualizing children in order to cope with dysphoria. That was not what he meant. He was referring to drawing effeminate boys, “effeminate boy” being how Kale felt at the time. It wasn’t about an attraction to the characters he drew. He saw himself in his art. These effeminate boys were representation of him to varying degrees. Unfortunately, what happened is this expressed itself using a very shota style and characters that were originally created to be underage.

That being said, Kale himself admits that it got out of hand. He is not denying he did something bad. He’s not denying the unhealthiness of the situation.

A follower who experienced this with Kale also added this about the people who would commission artwork from Kale:

[ALL SCREENCAPS ARE STAMPED WITH HST TIME ZONE]

“Kale was groomed into their incredibly posessive circle he tried to escape and they threatened to hurt him [and] eventually they finally lost interest”

Kale said nothing of this and did not ask to be defended. This was said unprompted. This is not meant to excuse Kale, but to perhaps give a little bit more insight into the context of the situation. He talks about it fully here.

All of the screencaps are from Kale’s discord, which was the first discord I ever joined and Kale always made it very clear that it was a safe place and had little tolerance for bullshit or anything that made any of his followers feel unsafe. Kale’s discord is now the standard I hold other discord channels to. They need to be safe, healthy, supportive places.

“I've been dealing with an actual dangerous procontact pedophile, but tumblr goes after the savior who rescued me”

“heres the thing of it. i have been a victim of pedophiles. these people are sick and horrible. YOU kale are no pedophile. i get a vibe from those sickos but you make me feel okay, your aura is safety. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON WITH A HUGE HEART whome i respect and care about, as i do everyone i know. i will support you 100% and thats that”

“Coming out of the woodwork here to just say: Nobody likes who they were 5 years ago, you know who I was 5 years ago? A 14 year old girl who shipped my male classmates for the sake of seeing "hot Yaoi" I made and laughed at rape jokes, I contributed to the "women suck" stereotypes put out by a bunch of teenage boys

Four years ago I pushed away friends I loved dearly for the sake of saving face with a "good artist" I admired, I regret it immensely, but my mindset from 4 years ago was different from what it is now. I used to judge who I become friends with based on their artistic ability alone

Three years ago I made a post that got really popular about the "jock/nerd soulmates" trope, I was the originater and romanticized an abusive trope bc I thought it was a good idea, I was 16, now I realize what a mistake that was and I've learned the error of my ways

TL;DR: Tumblr fucking sucks, it's a toxic place, and people will jump at any thread of drama they possibly can if it means they can unravel someone being successful in a way they can only dream of being

Kale, whether you were into shouta art or not doesn't matter, what matters is that you've moved past it, you're done with it, that's not the person you are now and you've grown as a person Your past mistakes do not define you and what you've accomplished, the things you've learned do.What you've made here, all the art, your own community, your freaking comic that a lot of people are onboard with, that's what's amazing and incredible and you should be proud of itYou are better than this, you are better than who you were 5 years ago, and if these holier-than-thou internet teenagers can't even try to understand that people can change, then they don't matter. They're not worth your time, your tears, or your work”

These screencaps are just from today. These don’t even begin to cover the time and time again that people have found support and comfort and a healthy environment in Kale’s discord from many a number of things not limited to: mental illness, abuse, traumatic experiences, suicide, and even gentler more mundane things like life and art advice.

--

Another point I would like to make about the validity of Kale’s character. In the call-out post posted today (August 21st, 2017), all OP does is link to their previously made call-out post (August 21st, 2015). There is no added material, no new art, nothing, to attest to any continued behavior or art that could reflect negatively on Kale. Which to me, implies that Kale has so soundly changed as a person and what he features in his art, that OP didn’t have anything else to say about him. Mind you, the original post is 2 years old and Kale shut down his pixiv and patreon years ago.

Kale himself said that:

“i literally havent drawn an ounce of that stuff in 4 years”

OP is not bringing anything new to the table. Nothing has changed from 2015 to 2017.

And if anyone receives hate mail from someone claiming to be a supporter of Kale, they are not from Kale’s inner circle and did not get is permission to do so. We within the personal discord agree that this situation will be met only with calmness and positive support for Kale. Anyone attacking Call-Out OP or their supporters is acting on their own or is a fake with the intention of further defaming Kale.

WHY I IMPLORE YOU TO KEEP SUPPORTING KALE

He is creating 1989nk to for trans and nb youth like him, who, from dysphoria and a lack of representation, may will seek out media or express themselves in ways that are unsafe or unhealthy.

He does not want what he experienced to happen to other trans and nb youth. That’s why 1989nk has such obvious trans colors on the front. He wants potential trans readers to see it, read it, and feel validated, safe, and represented.

I truly believe anyone who really looks into Kale’s current work, how he feels for 1989nk, the heart and soul he’s put into it, would see the kind of person he is.

Look, when I’m with my friends, I’ll be the first person to lean over and say something is problematic, makes me uncomfortable, or might be unhealthy. Anyone who knows me well can tell you that I never, ever stick my nose into tumblr discourse. So, if I’m sitting here addressing you all like this, it’s because I wholeheartedly believe in this person with everything I have.

I believe in Kale. I trust Kale. I wouldn’t follow him or support his work if I didn’t.

But then again, you have no reason to trust me. You may have to look and decide for yourself.

[bubbleteajuseyo]

Living My Best Atiny Life At Ateez's Global Fansign in NY | K-Music Mondays | Bubbleteajuseyo

안녕하세요 여러분! (*＾▽＾)／ 

How have you all been?

I want to say I'm sorry again for my past hiatuses and just not being consistent with uploading before (both videos and blog posts). I will for sure be more active on here (and eventually my channel, but that’s a discussion for another day).

And this post in particular, is long overdue and involves my weekend at KCon NY this past summer. 

KCon NY this year was....STRESSFUL AF! Part of me deep down had a feeling everything wasn't going to go well.

Why?

Because leading up to it all, so much was happening. And by that, so much good news and amazing opportunities were coming my way that I felt like the universe was going to be like "LOL, life is going too well right now, lets see how we can mess it up a bit."

*Side note: I don't care, call me crazy all you want. However, realizing now that Mercury was in retrograde, it all makes sense why it seemed like such a chaotic mess the entire weekend.*

From early check-in to literally that Sunday night on my train ride home, nothing went how I had hoped/planned. And not going to lie, for all this stress, I might as well go to KCON LA next summer or KCON Japan.

And on top of that, I haven't been feeling well the past several weeks (mentally, emotionally, and physically) and it's just been an unpleasant roller coaster ride. So there's that.

KCON NY 2019

Like I said, so many good things were happening weeks prior. From finding out so much good news that week to just feeling so great about myself.

But it was literally the morning of early check in, everything just started to take a turn for the worst.

From missing my train to early check-in being a mess, trying to trade my hi touch with someone in the heat and pretty much wasting my time; my weekend was starting off chaotic.

Then the first day of KCON wasn't any better. It felt even more hot and disgustingly humid than the day before, which made me grateful the convention was inside this year. But walking from Penn Station to Javits was not a good time.

I got completely lost in Javits trying to find the line to wait to go into the convention once it opened up.

Then, I decided to be boo boo the fool and go to starbucks inside Javits to drink that dumb b*tch juice. And to my surprise the queue line wrapped around into a huge crowd of people trying to figure out where the line formed/ended.

WE LOVE THAT.

Oh, and to top it off, in the middle of all that mess and ending up being stuck in the queue line, it was 11:30AM and I had to be at the Kakao Friends booth to claim my giveaway ticket for the show that night by 12PM.

I was so stressed and about to have a breakdown in the middle of the line.

Luckily, Kakao Friends was very understanding while I was dm-ing them the entire time. And to my surprise, I actually made it to the booth with about 5 minutes to spare.

As soon as I got my ticket, I did some mini exploring of the convention and found the merch table.  Before I knew it, it was time for my Ateez audience engagement.

At that moment I could not believe they were right in front of me and then I was reminded that the next day I had the global fansign event.

My friend even kept reminding me I was going to be sitting face-to-face with them the following day and part of me wanted to throw up. It was slowly sinking in, but not fully.

My friend and I actually left the fan engagement when they did hi-touch to see more of the convention. We came across a couple of Youtube creators along the way, attempted to win her a free ticket to the concert that night, and much more.

I will say, just like last year, I wish I did even more with the convention. Especially panels.

However, like last year, the schedule for KCON was just a lot.

There were some booths I was not able to attend and the line to get food was always way too long. I missed a few of the stages at the convention and some panels, which sort of sucked.

But, what can you do? It is what it is, I guess.

What was even more upsetting, just like last year, Kung Fu Tea ran out of boba in the middle of the convention. Truly devastating. 💔

Besides all of that it wasn't that bad. Still a sh*t show, but fun nonetheless. If I get the chance next year to go to KCON, I took notes again as to what I will do differently. Even then, I plan to experience KCON LA or Japan instead.

Now, if we fast forward to the concert, I am still shook.

I want to take the time to thank Kakao Friends again because if it wasn't for them, I would not have had the opportunity to attend the show. I will forever be grateful because I had such a good seat!

All of the performances did incredible, and of course, Ateez snatched my soul.

Their 'Sicko Mode' stage was *chef's kiss* remarkable. I do wish they did ‘Pirate King’ since I probably don't know if I will ever see that or their 'Pick It Up' performance live. Regardless they put on an amazing show.

*Side note: I know they did ‘Pick It Up’ and ‘Pirate King’ during Klub Kcon, but unfortunately I couldn’t attend that either. Big sad. ㅠㅠ*

I enjoyed the other performances like The Boyz, Iz*One, Nu'Est and TxT.

And let me say Iz*One is so pretty. I am still heartbroken that Everglow couldn't make it because I know their stage would have been incredible. However, Iz*One had a breathtaking stage and killed it.

With having time to fill, all of the artists did their best to fill in for Everglow's time slots and I couldn't be more proud. It was still a fun time and made up for the crappy events that happened during the day.

Now, let’s move on and discuss the following day and the best day.

Ateez Global Fansign in NY

Before going to the fansign, I had to run some errands basically at Javits Center before heading to the venue to line up. Such as giving my friend her tickets to the concert that night and selling my SF9 hi-touch since it was pretty much at the time of the fansign. 

I took an Uber from Javits to the theatre because it was too hot to walk and I still don’t know how to take the subway in NY. Also, was trying to not get sweaty and gross in the subway, or while walking either.

Upon arrival, I have to say, I was anxious as hell walking up to the line to wait. I wouldn’t say I felt out of place, but I was scared to try and make other Atiny friends. Which, I had nothing to be concerned about because the Atiny I met that day were so welcoming and that in itself was just so comforting. 

And right now I just want to take the time to give some shoutouts to my favorite Atiny.

I mentioned Whitnee and Deni I believe in a previous twitter thread or so, and they are literally sweet angels and I couldn’t be more grateful to have had the chance to meet them at the fansign. Whitnee was the first Atiny I spoke to as we waited in line for check-in, while Deni saved my life, so these two deserve the entire world and to live their best Atiny lives always and forever. So, a massive shout out to the two of them for being the first Atiny’s I encountered in real life. I adore you both and hope we can reunite soon!

And although I didn’t meet any of them at the fansign (which hoping to change all of that in the future), a massive shout out to the Hagtiny group chat. I love you hags with my whole heart and hope you live your best Atiny lives as well.

One more shout out to Aleah since I went up randomly to her and her friends and was like, “Anyone want a free Ateez album?” And since I had an extra one and we exchanged twitters, we literally have been friends since and met up again at the Mingi cafe event.

Oh, and thank you all for putting up with my soft hours on twitter and in text message.

There’s for sure more people on this shout out list, but I’m going to mention them in the another post. Otherwise, we may be here for a bit longer and I know you all want me to get back to discussing the fansign.

Now, where were we?

Oh, so after we all checked in and picked numbers, we found our seats. This is when emotions slowly creep up on you. As everyone gets settled and once they go over the rules and stuff for the event, suddenly the boys come out and pick their seating order.

Now, this is where it actually sinks in as they stand on stage in front of you in a small theatre. Then you remember that you will soon be sitting face to face with each member, one by one.

I drew number 98, so I was in the last row of the theatre and luckily it was elevated so I was able to still see everything. However, it was kind of a sucked. When you’re that far back waiting for your turn, your nerves just build up more and more.

So, not only were my nerves getting the best of me, my head was hurting, I was nauseous, and exhausted. But this was because I was also running off of little to no sleep, and didn’t eat all day. Therefore, I owe Deni my entire soul and one of my kidneys. She saved me by giving me a bite of the granola bar she was eating and water so I can take advil for my headache and to just have something in my stomach to hold me over. She also comforted me while we waited. Not only did Deni prevent me from dying, we actually spoke the entire time. Had like 800 trips to the bathroom and played games in the back row, such as: how many members can we get to ‘hit the woah’ with us. 

I blew a kiss to Hongjoong then he blew one back and then mimicked me freaking out and losing my sh*t. And this was when there was one to two rows ahead before it became our turn.

So, being in the last row honestly wasn’t that much of a bummer. It was actually a lot of fun. So I’d rather be in the back for a fansign again.

Finally, the time comes. Our row gets called up. I’m lowkey worried I’ll collapse or something while going up and down the stairs. The staff checks our post-it questions and then we wait until it’s our turn to sit down.

Once it was my turn to sit down, I almost lost it. My biggest fear was them having San start the line. And what do you know, Wooyoung (he chose the seat order) did me dirty.

The order was: San, Wooyoung, Seonghwa, Yunho, Mingi, Hongjoong, Yeosang, Jongho.

Then again, regardless of the order, I would have died internally anyway. BUT, Choi San just-

Let me take another moment to express how Choi San literally ruins me and is at the top of my bias wrecking list. That smile. Oh my, that smile. That is what gets me everytime and for him to start the line and smiling the way he does, I was done.

So, I sat down with San and just when I thought I would lose it because of that smile...I actually felt comforted? Like the nerves started to die down a bit. Same goes for Wooyoung,which him and Jongho intimidated me at first.

I mean I’m still intimidated by Jongho, but I’ll talk about that another time. And as for Wooyoung, I have the biggest soft spot for him.

But as I moved from each member, the nerves just kept decreasing and it turned into pure comfort and happiness.

In this twitter thread I describe in detail my experience with each member, along with a clip I found from another Atiny’s video of me interacting with Mingi. I hope you all enjoy reading the thread.

Speaking of which, here is another shout out to JaNey because I was looking to see if anyone recorded the entire fansign and came across her channel to discover she basically did. And when I say I was so happy, I cried.

The one thing I really regret from the fansign, was not bringing my DSLR nor having the courage to ask someone to record me.

And now, here is a really soft and emotional moment. With those being on my list of things I wish I did and didn’t do, comes this one thought (or many thoughts).

I am super grateful for this experience. Beyond grateful, actually. I almost didn’t even try for this fansign because I honestly thought I would not have gotten in. I’m glad I took the chance.

However, the more I think about it, that may have been my only chance. Again, I’m super grateful for the opportunity, since I know there are some who still haven’t gotten to experience meeting them. But, when the chance comes and goes, you can’t help but think what if you never get to do it again? Then you really start to miss them. It’s a very complicated feeling to explain right now.

Maybe that’s me being a little selfish, but there is so much I wish I could have said or done, that I didn’t get to say or do.

That’s why it sort of hurts when I see some people I'm mutuals with getting attacked for attending multiple events like fansigns. Because if I could, I would do the same. And I also think they may feel the same way, not knowing when it will be their last time meeting them. 

Therefore, I live vicariously through them. And I hope every Atiny gets to have that moment. I’m hoping that maybe I’ll get more chances in the future, but I could only be so lucky. So, I won’t get my hopes up too much. Like I said though, I’m super grateful that my first fansign experience in general was with Ateez.

I don’t even know where to begin with how happy these boys make me, it’s been a long time since a group has had me feeling like this. Maybe I’ll do a massive blog post explaining this.

Leave a reply to this blog post telling me how happy Ateez makes you.

Overall, my weekend for KCON was definitely one of the many highlights of my year. Despite coming across a lot of bumps in the road, I appreciate the fact that I was allowed to have such a remarkable and memorable time. The highlight, of course, being the fansign.

Not only did I get to meet the 8 boys who have had a huge impact on my life, but I have developed some heartwarming friendships since then.

Ateez & Atiny make one team. 💖

I want to thank you all for reading this blog post. 

Also, please hit that follow button for my blog. Even drop some suggestions in my ask box for what you would like to see for K-Music Monday posts. Or even reply below to this post. I’d be truly grateful either way. *^^*

Thank you so much again for reading this post and if you haven’t already, make sure you join the #BOBASquad to receive exclusive newsletters regarding my channel, blog and my journey to finally move to Korea.

And make sure to subscribe and hit that notification bell to my channel for when I finally end another hiatus that I’ve been on. Because I’ve been on this rollercoaster when it comes to feeling confident enough to film and upload. There will definitely be a whole video to the blog post I’ll be uploading on here.

I want to add, if anyone wishes to donate and support this adventure I’m on to move to Korea for university, please check out my Ko-fi page. 

All earnings will be going into my savings account for future projects I have planned for my blog/channel to be a full-time content creator, to save an go back to Korea in Summer 2020, and then officially move to Seoul by 2021.

This isn’t really about me, this is about how many people can I bring with me on this adventure to motivate to take the leap themselves.

I really hope you all enjoyed this post and thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

Until next time~

감사합니다!

나중에 봐요! 💕

[bellmo15-blog]

Why I HATE Cringe Compilation Channels.

This is a topic I talked briefly about in one of my OC pic's where in the description I talked about DevientArt's reputation and how it's an easy target for Cringe Comp Channels. That was almost a year ago now! Opinions can change in just under a year right? Not mine! I don't just have a personal distaste for Cringe Comp Channels I despise them! I have slowly come to this relization. To me I see Cringe Compilation Videos as nothing more than an attempt to bully and harass others. I understand bad or poorly done art exists, I truly understand that. But most of the time it's usually done by either a child or someone who doesn't have that much experience and might just be trying to get better. And what do Cringe Comp "Artists" do? "OMG THIS ART IS SO BAD!!! HA HA HA HA HA! LET'S LAUGH AND BE DICKS ABOUT IT!!! HA HA HA!!! THIS GUY SUCKS!!!" Hey, the art your mocking might not be great but at least they actually put more time and effort into their work than you do making fun of them! That's another issue I have with Cringe Comp Channels, they are just lazy. It's just taking other peoples art or videos without even crediting the artists and being incredibly negative or mean towards them. The only "effort" they put in is purposely seeking out bad fan art. I could type in any game, movie or series like "Undertale" into DeviantArt right now, witch I actually did before writing this to prove my point, and it was hard for me to find anything truly bad. I was going though Undertale art for ten minuets and found nothing. Oh right since I brought up Undertale I guess I should bring up specific franchise cringe as well. If it's a pic that involves a popular franchises then it's an easy target for Cringe Comp videos. It isn't just Undertale either! FNAF, MLP, Anime (it doesn't matter witch anime, they cringe either way) or even crossovers with other franchises. I once saw a video Cringe Comp video just out of curiosity for my first time and when they started cringing at this pic involving Celestia from MLP and Torile from Undertale that was actually a rather decent drawing I literally stopped watching because I had a good idea from his attitude how the rest of the video was going to go! Even if I was only into MLP or Undertale or neither or even if I hated both series I wouldn't be an asshole about the art. I'd just say "This is a nice looking drawing." and move on, not laugh like five year olds. And then we get to..... *sigh* Kink or fetish related cringe. Let me just say this right now. I'm into some kinky stuff. Hell half of the stuff I have favorited on DA has been kink related. I do have my limits to how far some of my kinks go of course. And it's not a bad thing to have a sexual kink, if anything you should embrace it since it shows that your vital organs work as intended! Apparently these Cringe Compilation channels don't see it like that. To them it's just more stuff to cringe at. Your into hot females struggling in slime or quicksand? Your a sick freak that deserves to be cringed at! You have a kink for Hypnosis or snakes coiling hot females? Your a sick freak that deserves to be cringed at! Are you into the infamous vore fetish? You are a sick disgusting sicko that should delete your account right now! I'm guessing these people have never experienced the satisfaction of masturbation before either. What pisses me off the most is when the person cringing admits that the artist is a good artist, has talent as an artist but still does the stereotypical "OMG IT'S A *specific franchise, kink, whatever* ART! YOUR TERRIBLE!!!" And despite the lack of effort in these videos, despite the piss poor attitude of these people, despite the fact they are nothing more than bullies they still get around 100k views on their videos! Why do people even like these so much!? Look, I'm sorry this has been a really negative post but I just couldn't have my feelings about these people bottled up any longer. I'm actually turned off from wanting to turn drawing or becoming an artist because I know it will just be featured in a cringe compilation video with almost no real criticism from the person viewing it. Lastly I am in no way intending for this to be an attack on anyone and I mean no harm to anyone. Even if I have almost no respect for cringe compilation channels at all I'm not going to tell people to come after you or doxx you or anything.