#the traveler as unhinged interstellar eldritch abomination

[nocherrybombs]

That Good Ol' Natlan Hospitality

Mavuika: Am I really the first archon to attempt to properly welcome you to their nation?

Lumine: More or less. The Anemo Archon mostly wandered off doing his own thing, by which I mean he spent a lot of time singing, drinking and stealing stuff.

Paimon: Barbatos put in no effort at all, so Paimon gave him an ugly nickname.

Lumine: Right. And the Geo Archon... uh. Died, I guess. Honestly, it was very inconvenient for everyone involved.

Paimon: Morax sure runs his mouth a lot for a dead guy.

Lumine: Let's see, what else? ...oh yeah, the Raiden Shogun tried to kill us the first time we met. That wasn't especially nice of her.

Mavuika: I'm sorry, did you just say that Baal tried to kill you?! Why in the world would she do that?

Lumine: Apparently I was an "enemy of eternity" or something. Ei isn't all that good at thinking these things through before she pulls out her sword and starts shooting lightning at people.

Paimon: She's so scary! Paimon was lucky to get out of Inazuma alive.

Lumine: Sumeru was okay. Nahida was super chill and fun to hang out with. I'm sure she would have been more accommodating if she hadn't been locked up in baby jail.

Mavuika: I heard about that after the fact. I had no idea Buer was struggling so much. I would have tried to help if I had known.

Lumine: Don't blame yourself, the entire situation was fucked. The first time I met her was inside an endlessly recurring cyclic nightmare. But it's okay, we fixed the problem.

Paimon: Yeah, and by "fixed the problem" she means "beat up a bunch of Fatui"!

Mavuika: Sweet, rock on.

Lumine: That wasn't too bad, but then we got to Fontaine and the first thing Furina did was challenge us to a fight and try to get us arrested.

Mavuika: That sounds like Focalors.

Lumine: In Furina's defense, there's context. It's just that nobody knew about any of the context until way later, so it felt really unhinged at the time.

Mavuika: I can't even begin to imagine.

Lumine: That's about it. Up until now, you are the only archon to offer us anything even remotely close to a normal reception.

Mavuika: In that case, it's my pleasure to warmly welcome you to Natlan. I hope you will enjoy your time here, please sit back and relax... is what I would like to say, but one of my citizens has gotten herself trapped in the afterlife and it would be totally rad if you could help us rescue her.

Lumine, sighing and drawing her Dull Blade: Ugh, fine, it's not like I wasn't going to end up there looking for primogems and Pyroculi anyways. So, what's the fastest way to get to hell?

[nocherrybombs]

Playing Abyssal Telephone

Lumine: Hey Kachina, congrats on winning the Pilgrimage!

Kachina: Thanks! I couldn't have done it without you and Mualani helping me. I still can't believe I really won...

Lumine: So, you're off to go fight in the Night Warden Wars, huh?

Kachina: Yeah. I'm nervous, but I promise I'll work really hard and make you all proud!

Lumine: Right, about that. Can you do me a favor while you're there?

Kachina: Of course Traveler, anything for you.

Lumine: If you run into a short guy who looks like me with long blonde hair braided down his back, wearing a white cape and one earring, can you tell him that he needs to stop being a little shit and come home right now before I go out there myself and kick his fucking ass?

Kachina: ...what?

Lumine: Also, let him know that he's gonna catch these hands the next time I see him if he doesn't knock it off with the "Prince of the Abyss Order" nonsense immediately. Oh, and tell him that I want my fucking Field Tiller eye back.

Kachina: You're friends with the Prince of the Abyss Order?

Lumine: Not for much longer, I'm not, if he keeps this up. But while I'm thinking about it, if you happen to meet a really dorky Pyro Abyss Lector named Enjou, tell him that Lumine says "Hi".

Kachina: I, um... I didn't know you were on a first name basis with abyss monsters. Is that... like... how...?

Lumine: Listen, what happens in Byakuyakoku stays in Byakuyakoku. You'll understand when you're older.

[nocherrybombs]

Getting Your Priorities Straight

Lumine: Listen, Mavuika. I'm glad the war with the Abyss worked out... for a particular definition of "worked out"... and I'd love to prepare to follow you to our almost certain deaths in the gentle embrace of a cold, dead, eldritch oblivion, but can we put that off a couple of weeks? I need to go to Sumeru for a thing.

Mavuika: I suppose so, Traveler, and of course, it's your choice whether you will join me in my final battle against the Abyss. I'm just wondering, what in the world could possibly be so important that you must leave right now of all times?

Lumine: Nahida's birthday party.

Mavuika: And you haven't left yet?! Screw the Abyss, you're gonna be late! Here, climb on my back. I'll fly you to Port Ormos, it'll be faster.

Lumine: ...you do know I can use the Waypoints to teleport, right? Also, don't you usually burst into flames while you're flying?

Mavuika: Eh, details. Now, do you want a ride or not?

[nocherrybombs]

Abyssal Telephone Part 2: Imaginary Friends (All Aboard the SS Caribert)

Lumine: When I asked Kachina to keep an eye out for you, I didn't actually think you would show up here.

Enjou: What can I say? I'm just full of surprises.

Lumine: Since you're here, I may as well ask; have you seen my brother recently? I only wanna talk to him. With my fists.

Enjou: No, not as of late. As I've mentioned, I don't confer with His Highness regularly. Sort of a recluse, that one. Don't tell anybody I said this, but I think he's lonely.

Lumine: And how is that supposed to be my problem? If he's lonely, then it's his own damn fault!

Enjou: Calm yourself, old friend. No one suggested that he was your responsibility. I am simply, as they say, "calling it like I see it".

Lumine: ...fine, whatever. The next time you do see my brother, just tell him that I'm still mad about that stunt he pulled with Caribert. Oh, and tell him that if he doesn't give me my Eye back, I'm gonna chase him down and kick him in the crotch so hard he'll choke on his own nuts.

Enjou: I'm not going to- wait a moment, did you say you've met Caribert?

Lumine: Huh? Oh, yeah, I met him. Why do you ask?

Enjou: I did not know that Caribert was real.

Lumine: What do you mean, you "did not know that Caribert was real"? Didn't Aether tell you about him? He was definitely real. He was also a manipulative little prick, even if he was kinda cute for a hilichurl... person... Loom of Fate... thing. Why would you think he wasn't real?

Enjou: I never had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with Caribert myself, and the Prince only ever talked about him in abstract terms, the way one might refer to a boat that sank. It's always "Remember the Alberich" this and "avenge our fallen comrades" that. I assumed Caribert was a metaphor.

Lumine: A metaphor for what?!

Enjou: The struggle of man against the divine and the inevitability of fate? I don't know, you tell me.

Lumine: ...Enjou, you have no idea how lucky you are that I happen to find your particular brand of silliness endearing.

Enjou: Oh, His Highness once said the exact same thing to me! You really are twins, aren't you?

[nocherrybombs]

Vibe Check Your Vocab

Citlali: Just because I've lived for a long time doesn't mean I'm out of touch, okay?! I can be hip, I can be "with it"! Come on, ask me any question that a young person would know the answer to. I'll prove that I'm not some washed-up old hag!

Lumine: Are you sure you should be saying that so casually? Things could get ugly real fast if someone calls you on it.

Citlali: Of course I'm sure! I am entirely confident in my abilities! Besides, how bad could it possibly be?

Lumine: Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. Hey Lyney, haul your twink ass over here!

Lyney: Ah, Traveler, as usual, it is always lovely to hear the dulcet tones of your voice. To what do I owe the pleasure?

Lumine: Citlali here wants to run a vibe check on her vocab.

Lyney: No cap? Alright then, Miss Citlali, say you're verbally throwing hands with some basic bitch who has too many opinions and wants to talk to your manager. You pull off an epic clapback, but you exhaust your rizz in the process and end up taking the L. Now, considering all of that, is this situation based or cringe?

Citlali: Umm... I mean, obviously... it, uh, depends...based on what?

Lyney: Hmm. Miss Citlali, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm afraid that you are, unfortunately, a boomer.

Citlali, slightly terrified: What's a boomer? Is it bad? ...am I going to explode?

Lyney: No, not at all! While you may never fully understand anything a young person says, many boomers otherwise live long, happy lives. It's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, my "Father" happens to be a boomer herself.

Arlecchino, appearing out of nowhere: Greetings, Miss Citlali, it's a pleasure to meet you. Welcome to my ongoing linguistic nightmare.

Citlali, close to tears: Who are all you people?! I'm so confused...!

Lumine: Told ya.

[nocherrybombs]

Make Sure You Wash Your Quests Before Recycling Them

Paimon: Hey Traveler, does Viramdra remind you of anybody? He seems really familiar, but Paimon can't quite put her finger on why...

Lumine: Tirzad. I've been deliberately trying to forget about that guy for the past two years.

Paimon: Oh yeah! Now that Paimon thinks about it, the resemblance is uncanny.

Mualani: Have you met someone like Viramdra before, Traveler?

Lumine: Sort of. Let me put it this way: if I had one mora for every time I got caught up in a snotty Akademiya researcher's vanity expedition where he frequently argued with the guide and almost got himself killed multiple times, I would have two mora. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

Mualani: Wow, you really have seen everything, haven't you?

Lumine: Nah, I've just gotten used to stuff like this, for better or worse. Believe it or not, this trip is like the third time this year I've intentionally jumped into a whirlpool.

Mualani: I was wondering why you were so unfazed when I suggested that. I guess after a lifetime of adventures, nothing scares you anymore, huh?

Lumine: I've fought literal sea monsters and won.

Mualani: Ah. Yep, that'll do it.