#the top two were difficult only in that I HATE working from charts I’m a written pattern guy. same with tatting give me my numbers Please

[tacit-semantics]

Alright so I did end up finding and taking pictures of some of my older knitting- this stuff’s all 2-3 years old, so the unfortunately the only pattern name I can give with certainty is the blossom dance scarf in the bottom left corner. If I find any of the rest of them I’ll add it in

[justoneacatperson]

Two babies broccoli

Alpha! GN! Reader x Pregnant! Omega! Midoriya Izuku (Headcanon)

This is reupload from my old blog!

I would say that his pregnancy was accidental, not planned. You are two heroes who are trying to climb the charts, and your mate is struggling to be the number 1 hero, there are no children in your plans.

But apparently a month ago, when you both entered your cycles at the same time, blurred by lust and instincts, you forgot protection. So now the green-haired omega walks back and forth in the bathroom, muttering hundreds of questions under his breath as he waits for the time for the pregnancy tests to over.

His phone rang, announcing that the time had over. He stopped the alarm, looked in the mirror, taking a deep breath. Now is the time, he thought. He took one of the three tests, looking at how many traits had. Two large clear red lines appeared. Midoriya couldn’t believe it, looked at the other tests, seeing the same results. Tears welled up in his eyes, threatening to erupt like waterfalls.

Now what? He has to tell you. You’ve both commented that you want children at some point in your life, but not is the time. Deku is already in the top 10 best heroes, and you are in 17th place. It took a lot of time and effort for both of you to get to where you are now. Are you ready for that? You put a lot of time and work into reaching this position. Will you be happy or angry? He never saw you angry at him, you were the most wonderful mate in the world in many ways, but now the situation is very different from all you have been in.

It was late when you came home from a patrol and imprisoned several villains while Izuku had been home for several days due to illness.

-“Izu?” you called, taking off your shoes in the hallway. You immediately heard footsteps on the floor coming towards you. You looked up smiled when you saw your omega. -“How are you?” you asked, giving him a hug.

-“I should ask you this question.” he replied, running his finger over the cut on your shoulder.

-“A villain managed to hurt me, but it’s nothing serious, just a scratch.” you answered quickly so as not to bother your mate. -“So you?”

-“Well… I have something to tell you.” he replied, arousing your curiosity. You released him from your embrace, placing your hands on his shoulders.

-“Whatever it is, I’m listening.”

Midoriya tried to say something, but no sound came out of his mouth, so he took the test out of his pocket, showing it to your eyes. It took you a second to realize what he showed you, and immediately your eyes widened.

-”Omega, you…”

-“Yes, I’m pregnant.” he did not know what to expect before you wrapped your arms around him, lifting him off the ground and turning him a few times in a circle. -“(Y/n) !?” exclaimed Izuku, stopping you. You smiled, kissing his nose.

-“I’m very happy, Izu.” you said, touching your forehead with his. The omega chirped merrily, and tears streamed from his eyes. -“It would be amazing to have puppies together.”

First Trimester:

Midoriya wanted to keep working while he could. He takes only tasks related to patrolling and paperwork, and starting to show his pregnancy, he will go on leave maternity and will only do paperwork.

You have become very protective of your omega. You will always scent him from head to toe to mark it as your own.

You had to tell your mate’s mother. Inko was in complete ecstasy, crying and hugging her son in a bear hug, shouting how proud she was of you two and that she couldn’t wait to become a grandmother.

He had a slight morning sickness that he only had in the morning and late at night.

His sense of smell and hunger sharpened. From morning to night he eats his favorite food - katsudon, but of course you can`t leave your pregnant mate to eat only that. Midoriya has no food he hates or can’t eat, but sometimes there are many weird combinations of foods he likes to eat.

On your appointment to a doctor, you both learned that you were expecting twins. You were both in shock and joy at the same time. You didn’t expect to have more than one puppy, so you need to rearrange your plans a bit. Because he had twins, he started showing up early, and your protective alpha instinct didn’t want to put him on missions anymore, so he was left to do only paperwork.

Second Trimester:

In fact, Deku is a very nesting omega. The nest has always been the most comfortable and safe place for omega, their confidential place. The green-haired omega needed his nest more during his years of growth, due to the traumatic news that he was quirkless, the constant harassment by Katsuki had made him spend more time in his nest, seeking solace. He now has a new occupation to remodel his nest for hours until he thinks it’s okay. He was so focused that you asked if he needed anything, if you could get more things for his nest.

He had made several nests in your house. The main nest was in your bedroom, next to your bed - big, fluffy, soft, made mainly of All Might merch, of course. There are two smaller ones in the living room and in the nursery where your puppies will be.

Izuku had pain in his ankles and back from the weight of the twins. You will often smear him with oils, giving him a light massage. He always tried to tell you that he was fine and didn’t need to, but you’ve seen enough of him since his school years to be with Recovery Girl or in the hospital often, because he doesn’t take care of himself and makes life-threatening decisions, you don`t want him to get worse, you have no rejection, and your omega has no choice but to agree.

Stretch marks appeared on his abdomen and thighs, which you bless! You will not allow insecurity to crawl up to Deku, you will always show that you love him and he attracts you, no matter how he looks like.

You started making the children`s room. Your close friends like Uraraka, Iida, Shoto, Tsu, even Bakugou helped you a lot with painting the walls, assembling the furniture. (Katsuki even made very spicy ramen for the green-haired omega, as you told him that he’s been craving spicy lately).

You were above the moon when you felt the puppies kicking under your palms.

At your next checkup, you found out that your twins are girls.

Third Trimester:

In the last months of his pregnancy, Izuku did not want you to leave him alone home. His inner omega needed you more than usual and will whine when he doesn’t get enough attention or closeness from you.

Spend most of his time lying in his nest and sleeping, to your happiness and surprise. It is rare to see Izuku Midoriya do nothing You like to lie next to him and brush up his curly hair with your fingers.

Babies became very active in his womb. They move and kick. You were both in cloud nine when they began to move in his belly, and you will both enjoy those moments. But in recent months, the puppies are too strong and kick their mother in the kidneys and ribs, which does not affect him well. It is difficult to calm them, your omega manages to sleep no more than 3 to 4 hours a night, because at night they are very active. This is slightly offset by his constant bed rest.

Birth:

7 hours of labour - sweat, tears, fatigue, but they were worth it when your little ones came into the world. You held one of your daughters while Midoriya held the other. They both looked the same - curly (h/c) hair, emerald green eyes, freckles all over their faces, and their skin something between yours and his color.

-“They’re beautiful.” you said, sitting on the hospital bed next to your omega. He let out a little tired purr, leaning against your chest.

-“That’s right.” you planted a kiss on his head.

[lollypopsx]

Flatmate!Harry: I'll Make It Up To You - Part 2

Please like if it’s not too shabby, reblog for anyone who may enjoy this and follow if you want to see more! Any suggestions are happily taken for future writing! I love you all! be safe and be kind x

Warnings: Hints of depression and anxiety

Part 1 - Part 3

—————————

Days had passed since the audition, and while you were sat on your laptop every hour searching for new jobs, new projects, more auditions and pure hope of some miracle, you couldn't help but starting to feel like you were failing slightly.

You liked to write happy songs and create stories using your music, but you were finding it harder to find the inspiration. Usually you and Harry would sit and talk ideas for hours, but since he made you miss your audition, you were distant from him, it was only the last day or two that you had been getting slowly back to normal.

Every day since the incident when Harry came home after working at the studio, he would open the curtains to make sure you had fresh air and daylight after cooping yourself up on the sofa all day, in the dimly lit living room. Not only that, he would check the cupboards, fridge and the sink to check that you were eating enough. He had seen you stressed and upset before. He had been there through some difficult moments in your life, and had always been your rock throughout the years, especially when your mental health was struggling during these times. But this time was worse. He couldn't help being concerned for someone he loved and cared for.

"Hey pumpkin..." He whispers softly, settling himself down beside you after completing his daily routine "Have you done much today?" he gently combs his fingers through your hair before dropping his arm round your shoulders.

You just sigh softly, looking ahead blankly at the quiet TV, simply shaking your head. If only he could see what was going on in that pretty mind of yours then maybe he could make everything better.

"I see you used the piano and the guitar today though..." he states, although it came out more like a question.

Minutes of silence filled the room until out of the blue, some words left your lips. "...Adam came to get the ring today" you whisper, feeling the tears brim your eyes once again, for what felt like the millionth time today.

"Oh darling" He frowns, pulling you into his chest tightly, just like he did the night you found out your (now ex-) boyfriend, Adam, was cheating on you. Unfortunately, you happened to find out minutes before he proposed to you, in front of all of your friends, including Harry. You didn't know what to do, so you took the ring, said you'd think about it and you left him standing alone. This all happened months ago, and you really thought that you was totally over it.

"Everything that's happened this week...I-I just...I feel like such a failure Haz. It just feels like I...I-I'm falling...falling apart and nothings going right! Why isn’t anything going right! I can’t even write one stupid song that makes sense" you let out hard sobs as your hands fisted his clean white t-shirt.

"No...no, no, no don't say that...please don't ever say that." He frowns, pulling away from you, but still staying close. His warm hands press against your cheeks as he lifts your face gently "hey, hey look at me" he whispers, begging you to look at him.

Your sad wide eyes flickered up into his, gentle tears falling down your face. "I know...I know it's hard at the moment. But everything happens for a reason. And everything will get better...I know it will. Do you trust me?" He whispers, his eyes gazing deep into yours, almost like if he looked hard enough, he could read your mind.

You give a hesitant nod as he pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead before wiping the tears dampening your cheeks. Being affectionate together wasn't anything unusual for the two of you, you really were the best of friends.

"I'll go make some dinner okay? Pasta sound good?" You just nod your head gently at him as he leaves your side. You let out a deep sigh and head over to the living room window, watching the sunrise beginning to set over the busy London town. "So...how's the studio going?" You ask him curiously, your gaze still at the window.

"I erm..." He clutters around in the kitchen. His job was a topic he had been avoiding for the last few days. He didn't want to rub it in that he was busy writing an album for millions of fans, who would be screaming his lyrics back to him all over the world in years to come. "It's...good. I mean, its tiring but I...yeah. It's good" He nods.

"H, you don't have to avoid it. I forgive you for what happened. I know you would never have done it out of spite...and you deserve your life style, you work hard!" You say as you head into the kitchen, re-filling the water in the vase on the table, your vibrant roses and lilies still looking as beautiful as the first day Harry bought them for you.

"You work hard too!" He frowns softly "Harry I don't think moping around on the sofa, drowning in my sorrows, is the definition of working hard" You let out a gentle chuckle.

"So...how's it really going?" You hop up onto the stool beside the kitchen counter.

"Well, we have 4 songs so far...and they are...different to the last album. I mean they reckon three of them will be on the pop charts...maybe even a number one slot there" He sighs softly.

"Oh wow, that does sound different to before...and you...don't want that?" You ask curiously, judging by the lack of excitement. "Well...it's not that. I just...it's hard to write another album when the last one did well, and you have to make sure it's better than the last one." He sighs softly as he cooks. "They want me to write some slower, more emotional songs. I just can't...well the words don't fit right. I'm just not feeling emotional about anything, so I don't know where to get the emotion from"

"Well you can't put a price on emotion Haz, you can't just go and buy it in Gucci. You have to really feel it. Even if you aren't thinking about something specific or direct to you. I used to find that sometimes when I was trying to write, I'd create these characters in my head, and I'd give them all these different stories and personalities. And I...I used that to really help me write music. It's not easy." You explain while getting two of the plates from the cupboard and pouring two drinks for the table.

"You used to? You mean you don't use that method anymore?" He asks curiously, while giving the pasta one final stir.

"I...I think I've decided that I'm not going to write music anymore" You shrug softly, your eyes unable to life to his. "I need a proper job. And things aren't going well with auditions lately and I make a total fool out of myself every time I go into a meeting. It's time I looked for a proper job. Besides, the price of bills in this house keeps going up and up."

"What?! Y/N you're so good at writing songs and music! You can't throw it all away now! That is your proper job. And I love hearing what you write, it inspires my own stuff!" He frowns, his brow furrowing, trying to understand you. "Think of all the songs no one will get to hear"

"No one hears them anyway...It's different now. The entertainment industry is changing more and more by the day. Maybe the stuff I write just isn't as trendy anymore." It was difficult for you to admit, but you knew you had to accept it.

"There's a fine line between us Styles, because the difference is, you're already there. You have the whole world in your hands Haz, you can go anywhere and do anything. You could sing a song to a fish and the whole world would be adored by you still! If I did something like that...I'd be laughed out of every interview, audition and meeting for the rest of my life. But we’ll be alright" You smile and shrug, your mood had certainly been hit and miss the last few days, but you knew you had to carry on with your life.

—————————

“Hey Y/N come here!” Harry calls from the living room. You were currently in your room, scrolling through your Instagram, while in a pasta coma after dinner. You rush over to the living room “What’s up?” You ask, seeing him sat at the gleaming white piano, which as always was sat under the window.

“What do you think?” He starts to play a few notes on the piano, looking between the scruffy paper notes cluttering the top of the piano and his hands. 

“Can’t put a price on emotion...it’s something that you just can’t buy...you...you’ve got my devotion...but....but” He sighs softly, playing around with the notes and the wording on his notes. 

You smile softly as you recognise his acknowledgment of your earlier conversation “...but man, I can hate you sometimes” you sing gently, testing to see how it could fit.

“Hey that’s mean! Why would you say that!” He fakes a pout up at you “I thought we- hey actually...you’re right! That really fits!” He chuckles, pulling you onto the stool beside him. “Can you try a G chord, B chord and....lets try a C...” You nod and smile as your fingers gloss over the keys effortlessly, while Harry fits the verse together and tries to find the right tempo.

“Wait...it doesn’t sound right. Maybe lets try a D instead of C?” You suggest as you re-try, playing those three chords over and over again.

“You...are...a genius!” He grins and wraps his arms around your waist. ”Keep going!” He smirks, pushing more lyrics in front of you. Sometimes having a fresh pair of eyes really helped...or perhaps he just wanted to prove that you had talent.

You peer down at the pages upon pages of words flooding your view. “...I don’t want to fight with you....and I...and I don’t like to sleep in the dark...we’ll get the drinks in...I...I can’t stop thinking of her...” 

Harrys fingers join yours at the piano “We’ll be a fine line....We’ll be a fine line...”He smiles softly as he taps on a few random keys. 

You pull your fingers away gently “It...your song sounds...really good H. It’s beautiful actually.”

 “You mean our song...” He whispers.

“Harry no, it’s your song, all the pieces, I just put your jigsaw together” You smile. “I know how it is writing songs and the first draft is never the same as the final version. You might decide to change it all completely” You whisper.

“Not with your lyrical genius ability and words of wisdom...your name will be all over this track” You felt a shock of electricity ripple through your veins as you felt his eyes burning into yours. His lips pressed gently against your forehead, lingering against your skin longer than usual. That sort of affection was normal from your best friend...so why did it just feel like something completely different? And what did he mean about my name being all over the track?

—————————

Tag List: @harryhoney-bee - @sunandherflores - @sad-capuccino

[lochnessies]

ok here’s a dissection of a post an anon sent me the link to and bc i have the worst time management possible and i completely forgot i had it lol so sorry anon here you go ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I am constantly thinking about how Edelgard just doesn’t seem designed to appeal to cishet men.

i hate to be the one to break this news to you op but just because a character doesn’t show skin like charlotte fire emblem doesn’t mean she isn’t designed to pander to men. she’s very much designed to pander to the (majority straight male) player base with her ‘uwu i only trust you professor omg did u see that rat? pls don’t look at my painting of you uwu’.

then there’s the whole edelgard c support in japanese where byleth makes reference to having come to her room for ‘yobi’ which is

there’s also the scene where byleth can make an unsolicited comment about edelgard’s breast size. which is… uhh… gross.

edelgard also has cipher cards that go from slightly fanserviceie to full on suggestive

and also her breast armor that my sister relentlessly mocked lol

and here’s a chart from the 3h subreddit about gender/sexually in regards to edelgard and edeleth. it’s extremely straight male. op might have just overlooked this since they probably don’t go on reddit and stay on tumblr (which unlike reddit is mostly female and has a high lgbt demographic).

Like the joke is that Bleagles is the Gay House, but everything about her feels deliberately non-hetero.

i don’t like where this is going…

She’s dressed in sharp outfits covering her upper body, with proportions that don’t seem exaggerated.

so women who cover up must be lgbt because straight women are naturally more revealing? oh y i k e s

Her poise and the way she effortlessly flourishes her axe exhibits an air of coolness. While titties out =/= character of no substance, Edelgard being dressed more modestly suggests that she wasn’t designed with male-centred fanservice in mind.

“titties don’t equal no substance but here’s my post on how she has more substance because she doesn’t show titties” ok

And she still looks absolutely stunning in her more modest attire (like seriously, I haven’t felt the need to return to cosplay in years but I want to do her academy look so bad). 

yes she does. amazing design 10/10. i have a feeling this is the only part i’m going to agree with

Edelgard is intense. She does not mince her words and she is constantly evaluating you. Though she tries, she has a difficult time understanding her peers initially. Early on, she talks about how she would sacrifice herself and others in the name of some greater good. She is terrible at communicating with her peers. She has to be seen as infallible. Her heart has been hardened for years and she assumes she has to stay that way. She also assumes everyone mourns the same way she does - which is why she (kind of insensitively) insists you move on when Jeralt dies. Because to her, grief has to be channeled towards action, or else you’ll get lost in it. This attitude is demonstrated time and time again as she presses on. It can make her come off as cold and unfeeling - but look closer, and she’s anything but.

don’t really have anything to say at this part. it is pretty on the nose though i would slightly disagree with that last sentence a bit. i wouldn’t say she’s as i feeling as hubert is but all of her talks of the war boil down to how she feels and never her victims.

Her story is ultimately about her realizing that to achieve her goals, she needs to let people in and allow herself to want things like cakes and tea parties and lazy days in peace. 

????? what ????? her goals include imperialism, ethnic and religious targeting. her story is about having a set of beliefs and mowing down anybody who stands in her way. that has nothing to do with tea, friends, and lazy days. also am i supposed to be sad that she has to get up everyday and work? i do that and i didn’t start a war and only throw a pity party for myself

The game leaves the player guessing as to how involved the Flame Emperor was in each Part I event, makes you feel hurt by her betrayal, and leaves you with a choice: do you follow the orders of the woman who tried to make you a god without your consent, or a young girl with questionable morals about to throw the world into upheaval?

this isn’t an ideal situation but i think i’m going to stick with the woman who tried to make me a god since i’m not selfish and i know it’s not only my desires and life at stake here. plus the green hair slaps ngl

Choosing her of your own volition (not for completionist reasons) requires the basic ability to sympathize with a woman’s pain. It also requires the player to read beyond her unwavering will and dubious methods to get a sense of how deep that pain goes and how the theme of humanity relates to her differently in each route.

i’m not going to touch this since @nilsh13 made a post on it that i’ll link here. i agree with everything he said so to repeat it would be redundant.

The player must be able to see a young woman’s desperate resolve to change the world so it stops exploiting people and ruining lives. They must be able to accept the fact that women can make the same morally wrong and ambivalent decisions that complicated male characters get to make all the time and still be the one to root for.

literally the same reason i love rhea lol her goddess experiments are dubious at best but her reasons are the same you mentioned. i would say that i like this quality in edelgard too if her ending, while bloody, actually ended in a good outcome for fodlan.

This is not unique to LGBT+ people, but this population is likely to understand why Edelgard feels so strongly about why she has to change the system. 

i understand wanting to change a system, i really do. like edelgard, i’m an opinionated bisexual woman (who’s also physically disabled) so yeah i get it. and change can be good but it can also be terrible. even if the church was the boogeyman edelgard treats it as she still replaces it with her own shit regime. so it’s the same circus just with a new conductor.

I don’t think “Edelgard gets undue criticism because she’s a woman” captures the full picture. An important aspect of her treatment by certain parts of the fandom is that she’s a radical woman.

or maybe she does some pretty fucked up shit and it goes unacknowledged in her own route. and yeah she’s radical but in all the worst ways.

Her hatred of the Church and the Crest system resonates way harder with people who have been hurt by institutions that are deeply engrained in our society. 

and what about people who have been hurt by systems where their ‘merit’ didn’t measure up and they were left behind? what about people from nations that experienced imperialism?

Siding with her means siding against the Church - which, while different from real world religious institutions, still invokes language about “sin” and “punishment.

yeah the ‘sins’ and ‘punishments’ are used in relation to attempted murders which i think everybody can agree is a bad thing that needs to be condemned.

Choosing Edelgard will likely hit different if homophobic and transphobic Christians used that rhetoric against you.

it has literally nothing to do with ‘sins’ and ‘punishments’ in regards to being gay or trans. that’s you projecting. especially since the church has 2 canon gay characters and two coded ones.

like i can understand why having a church condemn you can be uncomfortable but i’m begging you to please look at the context of what’s happening.

I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that the reason F/F Edeleth is the more popular iteration of that ship because most people who would choose to S-support Edelgard are LGBT+ themselves. This is not a revelation. To anyone in the community, it’s fairly obvious. 

i was talking to nilish and he said

so yeah… while there is definitely sapphic femleth shippers out there, there’s still a whole lot of weird fetishizing going on from straight men about edelgard.

Crimson Flower was my first route. I went into the game knowing absolutely nothing. I played it during the last week of 2020 and hoo boy was it cathartic. 

i can tell. this wasn’t supposed to be a dig but it came out that way and i’m not taking it out.

I felt like I was living out a gay revolution power fantasy, where I could truly change systems of oppression while fighting alongside a group of troubled students I’d shaped the lives of.

so a gay revolution power fantasy (cringe) goes hand in hand with imperialism and installing a dictatorship? also the war had nothing to do with sexuality.

Through your unwavering support, Edelgard learns that she needs to be human, that she must listen to her friends, and that she’s allowed to enjoy the world she’s creating.

edelgard gets to learn how to be human all while hunting those who don’t. and she doesn’t listen fo her friends. she doesn’t even trust them. she’s willing to talk to byleth but keep the people who’s been by her side for five years in the dark about everything. and yeah she gets to enjoy her new words since she’s on top. hate to be a commoner under her rule after she burned down my village in her war.

I love this character so much.

clearly. and i honestly don’t care if somebody likes her. i do as well even if my sometimes scathing words can make it seem otherwise.

It has been six months since I first played and I am still analyzing her,

me too. please help me escape i’m losing my mind

because there’s so much depth. Yet so many people fail to see that depth and dismiss her as evil,

i mean, she does some fucked up shit that goes beyond any of the less than desirable actions of the other main characters and does an extremely poor job in trying to make herself seem innocent. i personally don’t think she’s pure evil but i completely understand where the people who say she is are coming from.

because they never had the will to understand complicated women in the first place. 

that’s big talk from somebody who implies that a gay pope is comparable to homophobic and transphobic irl religions and that leads an oppressive regime all because she uses the vague terms of sin and punishments that you have to gay power fantasy your way out of

[likeahorribledream]

The One That Got Away

Chapter 7: Number One

Summary: Charlie tries to settle into her new routine, without Bucky. As she's finally getting back on track, she has to go on her first date with Potential Future Husband Number One.

Word count: 4.2k

Warnings: A little bit of angst, one jackass, worst mother ever.

Summary | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 |

The two weeks following the fight, Charlie spent her time either at work or with Steve. As she had promised him, she did all the research she could to find the best training possible with what they had.

The training was going well, both her and Steve were sore pretty much all the time. After a week of working out with him, she had decided to be the ‘’brains’’ of the operation and leave the ‘’muscles’’ part to him. She was way too out of shape for boot camps. Steve was happy to have her around to help him, whether she was working out alongside him or cheering him on while he was doing the exercises she was telling him to do; it was nice to be able to spend more time with her.

It took almost a week of them hanging out together every afternoon after work before he started to see a change. Slowly, his friend was coming back to him. She started to smile again and the first time she laughed he grinned non-stop for 5 minutes. It took her a little more than a week before she stopped waiting for Bucky to show up. She had been waiting for him outside every day for lunch, but he never came. Whenever they were working out in the park together, she was always hopeful that he would join them but he never did. Steve knew it was hard for Bucky to stay away and he was impressed that he had managed to do it for this long.

Every time he had seen Charlie searching for Bucky and looking sad when she couldn’t find him, Steve had wanted so badly to tell her why Bucky had said what he had said and did what he did but that would only push her towards him and ruin all the efforts Bucky had put towards protecting her, so he never said anything. In a way, he was relieved when he noticed she had stopped looking around the park in the hopes that Bucky had finally changed his mind but it also saddened him because he knew it meant she was starting to move on.

When Bucky asked about her and how she was doing, he never knew what to tell his friend. Should he tell the truth and say that she was still sad, making him feel more guilty in the process or should he lie and say she was fine, which he knew would make Bucky feel better and worse all at the same time. Bucky wanted her to feel better, he hated knowing she was still in bad shape but if she felt better, it meant she was forgetting about him and just the thought made him want to cry. Steve avoided answering by only telling his friend what the two of them had been up to with his boot camp, being careful not to tell him anything about how she was feeling. None of the answers he had for Bucky would make him feel better.

Ever since her fight with her parents, Charlie had been more distant towards them. She ate dinner with them every night, per their request. She waited until they told her she could excuse herself before walking away from them. She knew she was on thin ice and that anything could set them off, so she played the role of the dutiful daughter, doing everything they said as soon as they said it.

Charlie came back to her room after dinner. She had been sitting in bed, reading, for an hour before a soft knock was heard at her door. She put her bookmark between the pages open in front of her and closed the book, putting it on her lap. She told the person to come in and was surprised to see her mom. Ever since that night, her mom had been avoiding her. If she had something to say, she would send her father to tell her and Charlie was fine with it. Her mother wasn’t really high up on the list of people Charlie tolerated at the moment.

Mrs. Mathews looked at her daughter, no emotions showing on her face and stepped into her room to stand at the foot of her bed.

‘’This Saturday, you have your first date.’’ Her mother announced, like she was talking about the weather. As if it was nothing when she knew how much it would affect her daughter.

Charlie felt bile rise up in her mouth and her stomach dropped. She knew this moment was coming but a small, naive part of her had hoped they had changed their mind. Her mom kept talking, telling her all about her date. His name, his age, who were his parents, what job he had and where they were going. Charlie forced herself to listen to her mother but none of what she said completely registered with her and as soon as the door closed behind Mrs. Mathews, Charlie had already forgotten everything except that she was going on a date with Potential Future Husband number 1. She knew she was being childish but she refused to learn their names. She had named them PFH number one through five.

Having lost interest in the book she had been reading, she decided to go to bed instead. She put her book on her nightstand right on top of the one that had been laying there for the past 2 weeks. The book that Bucky had started reading to her. She turned off the lights and closed her eyes. She hated the fact that just the thought of Bucky made her sad, she hated that she missed him when he had made it blatantly clear that he couldn’t care less about her. That night, Charlie once again fell asleep with the images of Bucky telling her she wasn’t worth his time replaying in her head, ignoring the stubborn tears that were falling despite her eyes being closed.

Charlie’s co-workers knew something had happened but didn't know what it was. Just that it was bad, bad enough for her to close in on herself and put up her guards. She had even asked to be moved from the front desk to the back office and only work on the patients’ charts and files. The only person who was aware of the situation was the owner of the clinic, her dad’s friend who had hired her. He was on strict orders to fire her the moment James Barnes would show up at the clinic.

Everyone was worried about her, but they knew better than to ask questions. The whole energy at work had shifted, having lost their sunshine; the one person who could make anyone smile through a bad day or through pain. If someone was having a bad day, it stuck with them until the end of their shift because the only person who always knew what to say or what to do to lift their spirits up was hiding in an office, far from them.

They were just as surprised to see that no one was coming in to see her anymore. The friend that used to come eat lunch with her every day was gone and their most regular patient, Steve, hadn’t been seen in weeks. Although it seemed like the two were connected, it was just that Steve was focusing all of his time and energy on his training and didn’t want to risk ruining all of his hard work by getting hurt in an alley fight.

The next day at work, Charlie seemed even more closed off. Her co-workers had slowly started to see the old Charlie coming back to them but all of that was gone overnight. She came in, said a quick good morning to everyone and disappeared in the back office for the entire day. When they saw her again, it was at the end of the day when she left. She wished a good night, to no one in particular and walked out.

She walked straight to the park to meet Steve. No matter how bad her mood was, she never stood him up and always showed up to his training.

When he saw her arrive, he instantly knew something was wrong. Where there usually was a smile, he found a small pout; her face frozen in a frown. Her shoulders were slightly slouched and there was no energy in her steps whatsoever. She stopped walking and started looking around for him, he waited until their eyes met and waved her over.

As she walked over, she gave herself a small inner pep-talk to get into a good mood. Steve had been an amazing and supporting friend with everything that had happened, she knew she hadn’t been the best of company and brought down the mood so she forced herself to smile before reaching Steve and faked enthusiasm.

‘’Hey Stevie.’’ She greeted him, trying to sound as cheerful as possible.

‘’Hey Char.’’ He smiled softly at her before bringing her into a hug. ‘’What happened?’’

She hugged him back, sighing. ‘’I’m sorry.’’ She whispered.

He took a few steps back to look at her. ‘’What are you apologizing for?’’

‘’I’m always in a bad mood lately, I always have problems. I’ve been a bad friend and I’m sorry.’’

‘’You don’t have to apologize for having a hard time. What you’re going through is not easy.’’ He hugged again before letting her go completely. ‘’So, tell me.’’

She motioned for them to start stretching, she was in a mood where she needed to blow out steam and working out with Steve was the perfect solution.

‘’I have my first date on Saturday.’’

Steve stopped stretching, looking at her with sadness in his eyes.

‘’Oh.. Char.’’

‘’It’s fine. We knew it was coming.’’ She tried to shrug it off.

‘’Wanna talk about it?’’

Charlie shook her head no.

‘’Wanna sweat about it?’’ He joked.

Charlie’s only answer was a big grin.

They spent the rest of the afternoon working-out, well Steve was working-out while Charlie was cheering him on, completely out of breath.

‘’I didn’t think I would ever be in a better shape than someone else.’’ He laughed in-between reps.

She stuck out her tongue at him. ‘’Ha. Ha. Ha. Aren’t you a funny one, Rogers.’’

‘’I know, I’m hilarious. It was about time you acknowledge it.’’ He smirked.

She rolled her eyes at him, smiling.

‘’I guess I was too blinded by my own flawless sense of humour to notice yours.’’ She shrugged.

Now Steve was the one rolling his eyes and laughed, pointing at his own head.

‘’How’s your ego? Good? Does that big head of yours make it difficult to walk through doors?’’

‘’My ego is fine, thank you for asking and yes, it is difficult sometimes, some door frames are smaller than others but I just learned to side step. I’ve gotten excellent at it.’’

Steve whistled, his eyes focusing on her head. ‘’Fascinating. I think I can actually see it grow before my very eyes.’’

‘’Aren’t you supposed to be training right now?’’

‘’Aren’t you?’’ He shot back.

Charlie gasped dramatically and they both started laughing. Steve went back to training, finishing today’s boot camp before falling to the ground, sitting next to his friend.

‘’You’re getting better every day Stevie. I’m proud of you.’’ She smiled.

Steve blushed at the compliment, not that anyone could notice, his face already red from all his hard work. She forced him to stretch afterwards, even if he kept complaining that he was too exhausted and he didn’t need to stretch even if deep down he knew he would be less sore the next day.

They walked home in silence, aside from their giggling. Anyone who saw them wouldn’t be able to tell that these two were full grown adults by the way they walked, shoving into one another; their steps going in every direction but a straight line, and by how they acted.

After an eventful walk home, they stopped a block away from Charlie’s house. It had become where they met and where they said goodbye, Steve didn’t come over anymore. They hugged once last time and went their separate ways.

Charlie felt so much better. All the laughing and running around almost made her forget what was waiting for her at home. Almost. But tonight, she couldn’t be bothered with it all. She had just had one of the best days in a long time and she was determined to not let anything ruin it. She was careful not to do or say anything that would set her father off, as soon as it was possible she disappeared to her room and finally let herself relax once she had closed the door.

She was getting ready for bed, brushing her wet hair from her, very much needed, shower. She was looking at herself in the mirror and being tired, she zoned out. Her eyes weren’t focusing on anything in particular, looking in her mirror at the reflection of her room behind her. She was looking around, still through the mirror, when something caught her eye; bringing her out of her thoughts. She gently placed the brush on her desk, to its rightful spot and turned around. She started looking around again, trying to find what had caught her attention but she couldn’t find it. She took a few steps to the side, when she saw it again. Something was shining in the light from her room. She walked over and picked it up.

Her locket.

She closed her fingers around it and brought her hand to her chest, where the locket usually would be and took a deep breath while closing her eyes.

‘’I’m sorry Gran. I know it meant a lot to you, it meant a lot to me too. I really wish you were here right now.’’ She whispered, almost inaudibly. ‘’I miss you.’’

As she opened her eyes again, she tried to think of a place where she could put the necklace. Somewhere that she would know it was safe, hidden from her parents but where she would still have easy access to it. Her eyes fell on the books piled up on her nightstand, finding the perfect hiding place. Her parents never looked through her books, they would never bother themselves trying to find out more about her interests.

She took the book that she had started reading with Bucky and found the page they were on. She hid the necklace in between pages, as close as possible to the bookbinding to not make it too obvious that it wasn’t closing completely because of the pendant. Closing the book, she put it back where it had been; under the book she was currently reading.

She fell asleep easily that night, feeling more at peace than she did the night before and every other night before that.

Saturday came around quickly, too quickly. Like everyone else, Charlie always looked forward to the weekend but not this time. Steve had tried to reassure her, saying it would go smoothly and that maybe she would even like him but she knew that if her parents had chosen him for her, he probably didn’t have anything in common with her but everything in common with them.

The pit in her stomach made it more difficult to get excited and to get ready. Even though she had half a mind to not put any effort on how she would look, she knew it would only mean more trouble for her so she decided to look her best, as if it was a real date. A date she wanted to be on with a man she liked.

She looked at herself one more time in the mirror to make sure her hair was secured into place, that her eyeliner looked good and that her dress looked flawless; not a wrinkle in sight. After all, she had to show her ‘’housewife potential’’. She heard knocking at the front door and took a shaky breath. She grabbed her clutch and opened her bedroom door, cringing at her father’s loud laugh. She walked downstairs, avoiding to look at the man waiting for her as long as she possibly could, that way she didn’t have to talk to him. Instead, she focused all of her attention on her feet as she walked down. It looked completely natural, like she was simply trying not to trip. Unfortunately, she reached the first floor and finally had to look up.

Number One looked handsome, too handsome. He had a smug look on his face, the kind of look that screamed ‘’I know I’m hot, I’m a big shot and better than you.’’ and Charlie hated that. It was going to be a long night.

She shook his hands while her dad was introducing him, honestly she wasn’t really listening and just nodded politely when he asked if she was ready to go.

He told her parents he would bring her back no later than 10pm, then shook her father’s hand. He turned around, opened the door and walked outside towards the cab that had been waiting for them; never looking back to see if she was following him. She followed not long after, a bit disappointed that he hadn’t opened the door for her and let her walk out first, guiding her with his hand resting on the small of her back like gentlemen did. Like James Bucky did.

The restaurant was nice and very expensive. The waiter walked them over to their table, right next to the window that looked over the street from where they had just come from. She followed the waiter, looking on the tables around to see what looked good. Great, she thought, ridiculously small portions. I should have eaten before this. Although it was really ‘’unlady-like’’, Charlie liked it. She didn’t care about the name of the restaurant or how much everything cost. She cared about actually eating and loving the food on her plate. That wasn’t going to happen tonight.

When they reached their table, Number One pulled out a chair and sat down. He didn’t pull out her chair, he didn’t ask her which seat she preferred; the one facing the wall or the one back to the wall. He barely even looked at her. Leaving her with the chair against the wall, she started walking over to sit but was stopped by the waiter who gave her a small smile. He pulled out her chair for her and waited until she was comfortably sitting before leaving them. She thanked him with a small nod and looked at the man sitting across from her, there was no doubt in her mind that he didn’t want to be here either. She wondered why he accepted to do this, clearly he had to be coerced into it otherwise he wouldn’t be here.

She was surprised to learn that he was here of his own free will.

‘’I like those kinds of dates, '’ he started. Dates, plural. Not his first time doing this.

‘’I like to see what kind of sad woman needs her parents to set her up on dates with men.’’ He snickered. ‘’Couldn’t find anyone to love you on your own uh?’’ He added with a mocking tone, pouting to mock her even more.

As rude as he was, Charlie sincerely didn’t care about what he said. He didn’t mean anything to her and his opinion meant even less.

Her eyes drifted to the window, watching people walk by as they looked curiously into the restaurants. Human nature, always so curious. The man in front of her kept talking, never noticing that she wasn’t listening to a single word he said.

The people on the street were much more interesting than he was, she was almost amused; a small smile at the corner of her lips. Her arm was resting on the table and her hand was under her chin, holding her head up. The small smile quickly faded when her eyes met with someone’s on the street. She sat straighter in her chair, her hand falling on the table. The pit in her stomach got even worse, the lump in her throat that had rapidly formed made it hard to swallow or breathe.

It was the first time she had seen him ever since that night almost 3 weeks ago. Bucky.

They both froze into place, even though a window separated them. Her heart started beating faster, just as his did too.

He had managed to avoid running into her for the past 3 weeks. Avoiding every place he knew she went to often, taking a different way home in case Steve would be bringing her over as he lived close to him. He thought that going out for a walk on a Saturday night would be safe, she usually spent her Saturday reading books or by sorting them and rearranging her shelves. He really didn’t expect to see her and the way her expression changed, Bucky knew she hadn’t expected to see him either. He finally broke eye contact, looking her over. It felt like he hadn’t seen her in months, when in reality it had only been a few weeks.

He noticed how dolled up she was and how beautiful she looked. He started moving before he even realized it, walking towards her.

When Bucky broke eye contact, Charlie also took the time to look him over. She wondered if his hair had always had that cute little curl at the front of it. As he started walking closer, her heartbeat picked up. Her heart was beating so fast and so loud that she was sure everyone in the restaurant could hear it.

That’s when he finally saw him; the reason that she was out on a Saturday night, the reason why she looked so beautiful. Number One.

It was like he had been in a trance when his eyes met hers, for a few moments he had forgotten why she wasn’t in his life anymore and why he couldn’t hear his favorite sound again, the sound of her laugh but when he saw the man sitting across from her, everything came rushing back and he was brought back to reality.

He stopped walking, meeting her eyes one more time; so many emotions went through his head and showed in his eyes. He sincerely hoped that everything he had wanted to say and every apology he had been dying to confess could be seen in his eyes.

Then, he turned around and walked away, disappearing as quickly as he had appeared.

Charlie spent the entire date thinking about Bucky and the look in his eyes. He looked so sad but why? He never cared about her, he told her so himself. Hundreds of questions were running through her mind while she ate. She had barely ordered anything, she had lost her appetite.

When the check came, she was glad she did. Number One paid for his half and then pointed to Charlie, talking to the waiter like she wasn’t even there.

‘’She’ll take care of the rest.’’ He said, with a smirk.

The jerk. He wanted her to not be able to pay, to ask him to pay for her half because she didn’t have any money. He wanted her to feel humiliated. Can’t find a man and can’t pay for yourself? Pathetic. She could almost hear him say those words, his smug expression said it all.

Charlie looked at the waiter with a big, genuine smile on her face before grabbing the clutch that rested on the table next to her and opening it.

‘’With pleasure.’’ She said, pulling out a few bills and handing them over to the waiter.

He stopped smiling instantly, clearly angry that she hadn’t needed to beg for him to pay for her meal. It seemed like her parents had left out the part about how she worked everyday, which almost meant she got a paycheck every other week.

Now, he was the one feeling embarrassed. She had completely turned the situation on him and he ended up looking like the cheap date who couldn’t afford taking out women in places like the one they were in right now.

The waiter looked down at Charlie, grinning. He had seen and heard everything Number One had said and done since they had walked in and he was glad to see her put him back in his place.

They walked out of the restaurant and Charlie swore she could see smoke coming out of his ears. He waved over a cab and turned his face to look at Charlie.

‘’You can find your own way home.’’ He said coldly before sitting in the cab and closing the door, telling the driver to go.

Charlie sighed. Although he was extremely rude and she absolutely despised him, she really didn’t feel like walking home alone. Especially not in this dress and those shoes. Her dinner had been expensive and she didn’t have any money left to get a cab.

‘’What a jerk.’’ She said out loud, angry.

Suddenly she felt someone behind her, standing close to her. Too close. A hand rested on her left shoulder before it ran down her arm, fingertips brushing against her skin. They were the kind of little touches that would have made her swoon if she hadn’t been so terrified.

‘’Bad date?’’ Was whispered in her ear as the hand on her left arm reached hers, closing around it.

***

As I promised yesterday, chapter 7 is here! I hope you enjoyed it, let me know what you think.

[dakt37]

Avengers Assemble - Feral Outlaw Stony

So I've been expanding on this concept I doodled before Christmas, where Steve goes with Tony into the no-tech dimension at the end of season 3. Probably a lot of stuff isn't canon-compliant (beyond the obvious change that is), but "It's an AU so I do what I want" rules apply. Anyway. 

The tl;dr is: The two of them spend a little time puttering around the weird no-tech dimension, and then get absorbed into Battleworld. They become explorers, helping people out and falling in love along the way.

(Once again, I feel like someone must have had this idea already, but I’ve never looked.)

Cut for excessive rambling.

~~~

Not all the areas we see in the show are present in Battleworld when Steve and Tony first arrive, so the boys spend most of their time traveling around, mapping the place out as it expands. A lot of my ideas rely on them still having little-to-no access to modern conveniences. Obviously someplace modern has to show up for them to get their hands on a pickup truck and a motorcycle, but I’m picturing a post-apocalyptic junkyard that’s been picked clean of anything obviously useful. They get the vehicles working by sheer force of “I’m Tony-fucking-Stark.” But like that fully functional NYC area is way too convenient, so it’s not around yet. (tbh I’m not even sure if it’s an alternate NYC or theirs, in which case it wouldn’t show up until the other Avengers do anyway) 

They get the low-down on the "Battleworld" concept by eavesdropping on one of Beyonder's* welcome speeches. They realize that they are uniquely off the grid, because Beyonder didn't know they were in the no-tech dimension when he added it to Battleworld. They decide it's advantageous to maintain this secret status, but they're still Avengers™️ so they can't NOT help out wherever they can. But they don’t stick around any one place for long. Basically, they become vagrant vigilantes in addition to surveyors. They get a lot of their “stuff” (clothes, tools, toiletries, etc) as payment for odd jobs, or gifts from grateful locals they rescue. They get some food from populated areas as well, but also rely on foraging and hunting while on the lam. They have definitely eaten dinosaur at some point.

(*He doesn't get the nickname "Beyonder" until the other Avengers show up. In this AU Steve and Tony refer to him as "The Entity" or "Suspenders." You can probably guess who tends to use which.)

On top of the survival story, it's also a getting-together story. Steve and Tony flirt and pine and bicker and flirt some more, until a squabble turns into a confession and they finally start kissing. There’s plenty of time for “it’s cold in this wasteland and we only have one blanket, oh no,” but they’re firmly established as romantically involved by the time the other Avengers show up and they have the final showdown with Beyonder.

Anyway a lot of the AU notes I've been making are about the functional side of their Big Camping Adventure. So here's a bunch of lists about vehicles, gadgets, and navigation.

~

Vehicle stuff:

If Tony is riding passenger on the motorcycle, he can clip his repulsor boots into special footrests that reroute the energy and give the bike a speed boost. 

The bike has a tow cable. Steve can harpoon things using a spring-action firing mechanism, including cliff faces to help him scale steep terrain. The cable can also be uncoiled manually, like when Tony takes flight while holding the end so he and Steve can clothesline hostiles. 

Steve can stick his shield several places on the bike depending on what’s convenient. On the front as a windscreen/battering ram, on one side for easy grabbing, and even on Tony’s backpack so Tony can snuggle in properly while riding passenger and keep both their backs protected.

They probably don’t even need a ramp to get the bike into the bed of the pickup. Steve just picks it up and puts it there.

The evolution of Marsha (the truck) into a full Hulkbuster-style mech takes a long time. For the majority of their time in Battleworld, it’s just a truck with an ever-increasing number of weird add-ons.

Marsha can function as a tiny camper home. The cargo bed liner is a false bottom, which can be pulled up and rearranged to form a cover/roof. Underneath the liner, the actual truck bed is about a foot deeper, with most of that storage space taken up by a mattress and bedding. 

Tony can pull a cable out of Marsha’s steering column and plug it directly into his arc reactor. This unlocks extra features and weapons. He generally has things balanced so that Marsha drawing power doesn't affect him any more than his armor drawing power would. But on rare and desperate occasions, he can overclock and hurt himself. Steve of course hates when he does this.

Turnabout is fair play though: at least once, something else damaged the arc reactor, so Tony plugged into Marsha to draw power from the battery for his electromagnet while he repaired the arc.

Gasoline can be difficult to procure, so both vehicles are hybrids. Tony just keeps adding new power conversion elements as they go along, based on what they can find. 

~

F in chat for Tony’s armor:

Tony dismantles the armor he’d been wearing when they first went into the no-tech dimension.

Obviously he keeps skeletal versions of the repulsor boots and gloves in-tact enough to function. 

He also keeps most of the helmet, for when he’s riding with Steve on the motorcycle. Mostly because Steve insisted. It's gutted of tech though, so if the faceplate stays as part of the design, the eyes are just holes (like in the classic comics).

The rest of the pieces are kept in a large packing trunk.

Tony repurposes some parts into useful gadgets for himself and Cap, plus the odd toy for other Avengers (like Widow’s new stinger gauntlets) because he’s optimistic like that.

Electronics use precious metals like gold and copper, so Tony scrapes some out to pay for things in certain areas of Battleworld, like the cowboy town or the pirate area. He might also barter with other general bits like wires and screws, but he avoids parting with any actual full tech.

~

Plug-n-play Gadgets

Since the power draw for Tony's electromagnet is actually fairly minimal, Tony makes use of the arc reactor as a charging station, mostly when he sleeps. It's not like there's a corner store they can drop by to get a pack of batteries. Things he charges include (but are not limited to):

Flashlight for Steve. The bulbs for it came from the eyes in the Iron Man helmet. Note: Tony doesn't need a flashlight himself because he can turn up his arc brightness apparently, lmao.

Camp stove. Steve questioned Tony building one for a hot second because hello we can build campfires to cook over? But then it’s raining and they're in a cave and Tony is like, "if you fill this space with smoke I will divorce you before we're even married." And Steve is like "camp stove wow yes okay." Also they had camp stoves in WW2 so honestly it was simply a Himbo Moment to disregard the virtues of one in the first place. 

Walkie talkies. I know they had Avengers comms but I like the aesthetic of walkie talkies more. Maybe the comms relied on satellites that they obviously don't have anymore or something.

~

Navigation:

Speaking of a lack of satellites, the GPS in Tony’s armor is rendered useless. Steve is real smug about it and pulls out his old-fashioned compass. But Battleworld also doesn’t have proper poles, so it just spins wildly for a few seconds and then points at Tony’s electromagnet. Not to be deterred, Steve declares, “Well, you’re never lost if you can find Polaris.” They look up and realize that the night sky, despite having stars and a moon, is not at all arranged the way it is on Earth. 

Tony takes this as a Challenge. He builds a sextant, then spends the next several nights in a row muttering math under his breath as he painstakingly creates a hand-drawn star chart. This, combined with landmarks, becomes the primary way they orient themselves as they roam around Battleworld.

Many nights, Steve and Tony lie in the bed of the pickup together and make up constellations named after other Avengers and friends. Steve makes a copy of Tony’s star chart and sketches artistic renditions of the constellations on top. To close this post with an interesting visual, here’s an example of what Tony’s star map might look like vs what Steve’s would more resemble:

[raewritesthingss]

You Just Have to Ask

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 1808

You hadn’t meant to let things get as far as they did with the man at the cantina. Mando was so busy looking for a job and you were growing bored listening to the conversation so you decided to go get a drink. He approached you with unwavering confidence so you decided to play the game. You weren’t one to turn down a free drink or two and if it took a bit of flirting to get there, who cared?

Mando did.

You should have known that he was watching you. He had a knack for being able to keep his eye on more than one thing at once. The man was slowly inching his way closer to you, inserting himself into your personal space as you carried on laughing at whatever story he was telling you that moment. His hand had barely grazed your waist before you felt a hand on your arm, gently pulling you back.

“Time to go.” the modulated voice was gruff and toneless. You whipped your head around to glance up at Mando whose helmet was trained on the man in front of you. The once overly confident man took a step back as his eyes widened a bit. One perk of traveling with a Mandalorian meant that no one was interested in messing with you. It also made pleasant conversations difficult with anyone that caught sight of him making his way towards you. You gave him an apologetic smile before turning to walk away. Mando was already halfway out the door, knowing you would follow him without question.

The cold air hit your face roughly and you instantly regretted only wearing a short-sleeved top instead of something thicker. Mando stood by the entrance to the cantina as you walked out. He said nothing, only started his way towards the ship with you trailing behind. You were angry. You spent so much time on the ship, hardly ever getting any interaction or conversation with other people outside of Mando and he wasn’t much for talking. In the four months, you’d been working with him, he’d barely spoken more than 100 words to you. It was frustrating.

“You didn’t have to be so rude,” you muttered, kicking a few rocks aside as you walked. You heard a sigh come out from the helmet but nothing else. He wasn’t going to talk. This angered you even more, “I just think it’s unfair that you’re always interrupting my conversations. I like talking to people. I try to talk to you but you ignore me!”.

He stopped walking before you could realize it and you slammed into his back, causing you to stumble slightly. His helmet tilted to the side and he just stared at you. You stared back, refusing to look away despite how intimidating it was to just be looking at him.

“He tried to touch you. Sorry for making sure he didn’t,” his voice was once again devoid of all emotion.

“Okay?” you scoffed, still not entirely understanding what his problem was.

“Did you want him to touch you?” his voice was softer now and there was a hint of confusion in his words. You scrunch your eyebrows together as you leaned against the concrete wall.

“I-I mean, I don’t know? It didn’t bother me if that’s what you’re asking. Some people don’t mind being touched Mando.”

You pushed yourself off the wall and started to walk away, just wanting to get back to the ship in curl up in your pathetic excuse of bed that was more like a hole in the wall with a dingy pallet on the floor. You’d barely made it three steps past Mando before he yanked your arm back and pulled you closer to his chest.

He leaned his helmet so close to your face you’d probably be able to feel his breath if it weren’t for the hunk of metal in your way, “If you want to be touched, you just ask.” his voice was low, lower than it normally was. He held you there for a few seconds longer before releasing you and moving past you to continue walking. You felt your entire face start to heat up. Why would he say that? And what did that even mean? Did he want you to ask him to touch you? Did you want him to want you to ask him to touch you? It wasn’t like you’d never thought about it. The thought of having Mando’s hands-on you had crossed your mind once or twice. Or a hundred times. You’d never acted on the thoughts though. Mando was all work and no play and if you spent the first month you worked for him thinking he hated you until you realized that he treated everyone like that.

Lost in your head, you glanced up to see the ramp being lowered and both you and Mando made your way up into the ship. He said nothing as he climbed into the cockpit, most likely going to chart the course for whatever unlucky bastard he was after next. You let out a deep sigh and eyed the ladder. He did say to just ask.

You climbed up the ladder slowly, doing your best to control your breathing because you were really about to ask Mando to do this. You gave a soft knock on the door before opening it to find him sitting in his chair fiddling with the controls. You stood there watching him, unmoving. He turned his head around and tilted it to the side. Your eyes moved immediately to his beskar covered thighs. They were the perfect size to ri-

“You want something?”, he asked, interrupting your train of thoughts. You opened your mouth, willing the words to come out but all you could manage was some air and a small squeak. He let out a chuckle just quiet enough that you almost missed it. He lifted his hand, using two fingers to beckon you closer. Your body was frozen. Was this actually about to happen? When you didn’t make any move toward him, he reached out the same hand and grabbed a wad of your shirt, and gently pulled you in his direction until you were standing between his thighs. He ran a hand up the side of your thigh while the other held your waist to keep you from moving away. His thumbs hooked into the top of your pants and pulled them down just far enough that he could see the top of your underwear.

“Tell me to stop and I will,” he said gently as he pulled your pants down until they were just above your knees.

“Don’t.” you didn’t mean for your voice to come out so whiny but you also didn’t know badly you needed this.

“Good girl.”

He made quick work of pulling off your boots and tapped your ankles so you’d step out of your pants. He trailed his fingers along your naked legs before making his way back up to your underwear. You watched as he pulled off his gloves, one at a time. An involuntary gasp left your mouth when his bare hands touched your skin. You’d never seen any part of Mando without his armor on before. He pulled your underwear down quickly, allowing you time to lift your feet before he tossed them off to the side. His helmet was trained on your now completely bare lower half and a low groan left his mouth when he gently moved a finger across you and let the wetness soak it. He removed his hand and slid it up inside his helmet.

“I knew you’d taste good, dreamed about it,” he said after bringing his hand from his mouth back to you. His hands wrapped around your waist and pulled you down so both of your legs were straddling one of his thighs. He pushed your hips forward and then back again, making you let out a moan. You clapped your hand over your mouth as embarrassment began to flood into you.

He swatted your hand away and held your wrist tightly in his grasp, “Don’t you fucking dare. I want to hear you fall apart.”. You nodded your head and began to move your hips against his leg. You could feel how wet you were as it soaked into his pants. It’d been so long since you had cum, you knew it wouldn’t take long. Realistically, you could’ve used the fresher to deal with yourself but you never wanted to risk letting Mando hear you.

“Fuck Mando, please!” You didn’t know what you were begging for but you wanted more. You wanted anything he was willing to give to you at that point.

“Please what? Cmon cyar’ika, tell me what you want.”

“Inside! I need you inside!” you gasped out in between moans as you felt yourself getting closer to release.

“No, not this time. You don’t get to let another man touch you and then beg me for my cock. You’ll take what I give you,” you whined at his words and sped up your motions, chasing the high of the orgasm you’d been desperate for months.

“But-”

Your words were cut off when his hand slapped down hard on your ass, making you jump, “Desperate little thing, aren’t you? Do you want my cock that bad? You want me to fuck you until you can do nothing but beg for me to stop? Let me fill you up with my cum until it’s dripping out of this sweet, little cunt?”, his words made you squeeze your legs tighter around his thigh.

“Please Mando, don’t you want to fuck me? I wanna cum on your cock”, he leaned his head against your chest and let out a groan. You could feel how hard he was against your leg. He wanted this just as badly as you did but he wasn’t going to give in.

“That’s it, sweet girl, cmon you’re so close. I can feel it, cmon give me a good one, cum all over my thigh”, his words pushed you overboard. You threw your head back, your eyes clenched shut as your whole body was overtaken by pleasure. You couldn’t comprehend anything you were saying, expletives flew out of your mouth as you rode out the high. You felt his hands gently caress your back while you tried to calm your shaking body. Your head pressed to his armored chest as you breathed heavily.

“T-thank you”, you whispered.

“No one else is allowed to touch you. You’re mine, say it.”

“I’m yours.”

“Good girl.”, you could hear the smirk in his voice. He tightened an arm around your waist before pulling his cape around to drape over you. The months you’d gone without any sort of release had been worth it for this.

[monkberries]

So here goes: Personally I find Paul to be hot with a beard. But it annoys me because there’s always some Paul stan who’s like “he was super depressed during that time you know” anytime someone says how hot he looks with a beard. Like first of all, I don’t think we should go around diagnosing people and assuming how he felt 24/7 just based on a couple of quotes when we don’t know him, and second of all I was just saying he looks good. Also idk why Paul stans want to pretend like Paul is STILL a victim when he’s definitely not. He’s a super successful billionaire musician. He’s fine.

I'm going to assume all four of these were from the same anon; I received another along these same lines that seems to be from someone else:

OKAY. There's a lot here.

As I've said before, I think the concept you are both talking about - that Paul is the favourite, that people will attack you if you criticize him, that people are vilifying John more now - is true, but is also a matter of perspective. I think sometimes we perceive the whole fandom as just the people we're surrounded by; that can be true in smaller fandoms, like for obscure shows or whatever, but for the Beatles, the fandom is so much bigger and more spread out across generations, social media platforms, and works of literature than almost any other fandom. There are literally thousands upon thousands of books either about or tangentially about the Beatles; there are pockets on every platform from tumblr to twitter to podcasts to instagram to facebook etc., and it branches off even more niche within those to like, facebook groups specifically for podcasts about the Beatles, or discord servers, or livejournal threads, or music forums, or fics on ao3. There are fansites with thoughtful speculative articles like heydullblog and blogs specifically reviewing Beatle books like beatlebioreview and sites cataloging every bit of minutiae like the Beatles Bible, all with their own flavor of comment sections. And not only that, the Beatles fandom spans generations and cultures in a way that almost nothing else ever has or ever will.

And this is not even going into the shifting narratives that have been in play over the years surrounding Paul specifically, and the huge, huge difference between the perceptions of him by the authors and the Counterculture People, the perceptions of him by regular ass Wings fans who have only idly flipped through Rolling Stone while waiting in line at the local bodega, and the perceptions of him by everyone in between, who may or may not have been unconsciously influenced by the wider narratives about him.

All that is to make the case that the fandom that you are experiencing on tumblr/twitter is an extremely small fraction of The Fandom at large. For every Paul stan on twitter that yells at people for not believing that Paul literally invented music, there is a John stan in a facebook group going on about John's supposedly tireless peace efforts. For every nuanced, well sourced post on amoralto's blog, there is someone in the Beatles Bible comment section saying that John and Paul hated each other. For every fan who's read the major Beatles bios with a critical eye towards bias, there are plenty more fans who just absorbed them as straight fact. This is not to say that your experiences are not real or valid! They absolutely are! What I am saying is that there are infinite permutations of infinite Beatles fandoms out there, and the people you see who insist that Paul is still treated worse than John, I would imagine, are occupying various permutations of the fandom where that is more true, alongside the one they share with you. It's not for me to say whether the Paul or John people have the upper hand on the whole - truly, I don't think anyone has enough perspective on the whole fandom to make any judgment on that, no matter what general Grand Pronouncements anyone may make about The Fandom.

As I've said before, any overly defensive "stan" behavior, whether it's for John or Paul or George or anyone, is exhausting to me, so I definitely understand where you're coming from re: him being supposedly underrated. He is literally one of the most successful musicians of all time; as of the beginning of this year, he is worth 1.2 billion dollars; and, thanks to his own efforts and the efforts of quite a few fans and writers out there over the decades, he now enjoys an incredibly positive "granddude" reputation. There are ways in which it can be exasperating to read yet another indignant refutation of music reviews for RAM that came out fifty years ago, when his last three albums have hit the top 3 in the charts in both the US and the UK and have gotten great reviews. I have seen people wonder, honestly wonder, how much more money Paul could have made, how much more respected he could have been, if the rock press had been inclined to give RAM good reviews. When I see that, it does start to feel like fans of Paul, at least the defensive ones in the fandom permutations I occupy, are arguing with the author photo of Philip Norman in the book jacket for Shout!. It's not that I think those arguments and discussions are not worth having; I do think they're worth having because I believe that the only way we can continue to grow is if we grapple with the mistakes made in the past. But there is a strange kind of disconnect that happens when you read about someone indignantly defending Wild Life as though the members of Wings are currently, actively having eggs and rotten fruit thrown at them, and then you remember that Paul is currently, and has been for many years now, one of the richest men in the entire world.

As for the misogyny thing, I'll copy and paste a quote from Erin Weber which may explain a little better than I can:

"Where it starts entering into serious discussion for me is when you have professional grown men (Schaffner would be the most glaring example of this, but not the only one) repeatedly using the term “pretty” or “pretty-faced” to refer to another grown man. (Norman does the same). Schaffner doesn’t only do that once or twice, he uses one of those exact words at least fifteen times in his references to McCartney. “Pretty-boy” is also a term that at least one journalist has used to describe Paul, and that’s not a stealth insult: that’s an overt one. (My husband, who hates the Yankees, routinely used the term “pretty-boy” to insult Alex Rodriguez. And it wasn’t meant as a compliment).

My reaction to this is based both on studies that I’m aware of (I’d have to hunt them up, but I’ve seen them referenced before) which argue that the use of feminized language can be a method of stealth insult/diminishment when used by men to describe other men, and my own personal experience. It is difficult to see a situation where a grown man using the term “pretty” or any variation of the word “pretty” to describe another grown man means it as a compliment. Even if its purely meant as a descriptive term, it is a descriptive term that is weighted with significant meaning and is feminizing. And given the rock press’s obsession with masculinity and its insistence, as noted in other studies, of using masculine terms to portray a song as good and feminizing terms to describe them as weak or inferior, I don’t think its a coincidence that a rock press that knew well the power of masculine and feminine language commonly used feminized language, particularly in the 1970s and 80s, to describe McCartney."

I personally see this more as pseudo-homophobic than pseudo-misogynistic (like, when I see a man called "pretty" by another man in an insulting way, I immediately think "oh, that author wanted to say a gay slur but he's too Professional"), but the two things can get muddled together, I suppose.

Anyway, actionable items:

Diversify Your Fan Experience. More perspectives can really help gain a fuller understanding of not just the fandom but the Beatles themselves. Don't be afraid to be wrong, and don't be afraid to be right; always be open to learning new things and hearing new insights.

If All Else Fails, Block 'Em.

[ohnobjyx]

To the snowy summit side by side

红尘中毁誉得失如何去量?

Part 7: And now... what?

This is a post long overdue. I must admit, this is the most difficult one, so I was putting it off, reading again and again what I had already written and browsing through the internet to try and get the most complete picture.

Disclaimer: in this case, almost all of the post is my personal opinion (I tried to keep the previous post objective). I’m biased because of the XZ friendly content I’m usually exposed to and by my own views of their situation. Open to discussion, but please make sure you’ve enough information to do so.

Let’s go back to anon’s original ask:

Hello could you give us an update on xz's situation? I know we*bo and his studio has taken some steps recently but how has this affected public opinion on xz? Has it improved/ are more people favoring him or has it gotten worse?

I think I have been answering your first question in the past posts. However, about the next two:

When I was compiling information and writing the previous posts, a song kept coming back again and again to my head, specifically, this part of the lyrics:

红尘中毁誉得失如何去量?

In the mortal world, how can praise or condemnation, success and failure be measured?

(Yes, it’s from WuJi-无羁)

Innocence

What happened to XZ was a combination of incredibly bad luck, strenuous social circumstances (the pandemic), high stress in the public and a set of underlying issues that had been festering for a long time.

From being a celebrity on the way up, he suddenly became a scapegoat for a conflict he hadn’t caused and the receiver of a lot of senseless hate. He didn’t do anything from start to finish in the 2/27, but ended up the most affected from it, as the consequences reverberated all the way from March to July.

Because XZ didn’t ask the author to write such a fanfic. He didn’t request for it to be taken down. He didn’t ask his fans to report anything. And he didn’t have anything to do with ao3 being banned in the country as a response. From start to finish, he didn’t participate in any of it.

Many of the analysis I’ve watched/read determine that the cause of the problem  were his fans. One of the bloggers even said that “his fans are the ones that have hindered his career the most”.

But, from my point of view, the saying of “two people can’t have an argument if one of them doesn’t want to” also applies here. From start to finish, the issue was filled with overreactions and exaggerated responses from both XZ’s fans and the rest of the people that engaged in this ridiculous fan war with them.

However, let’s keep in mind that “XZ’s fans” is also a huge generalization. Most of the people don’t have the necessary time, resources and mental energy to engage in ridiculous crusades in the name of their favoured celebrity.

Part of the reasoning of the anti-XZ faction is that he should have taken measures and steps to make sure that his fans didn’t cross the line. However, even if the people leading all of this are only a small % of his fans, they are still a lot of people. Being the receiver of their fans’ love and admiration doesn’t make him and his team able to discern who is a reasonable, sensible fan, and who is a crazed troublemaker. And being famous and admired shouldn’t make him the responsible of all of his fans actions (in my opinion). I think this is also how Western society would view the situation.

I was surprised to discover that c-society did expect him to “guide” his fans, because he has a huge influence on them and he’s supposed to guide them towards more civilized behaviour. It’s not of course what everyone thinks, but the stance his studio has taken also points in recognizing that they should have done that (there are more reasons to their stance, of course, explained in the part 5+6).

However, people did realize (I think) that most of the people that follows him gives him support silently. There are of course ardent and fervent people who jump to defend him, but even that kind of behaviour is discouraged by XZ’s studio (applying that ignoring the antis is the greatest way to defeat them).

So here it came the lyrics from WuJi. It’s true that a fraction of his fans have caused him a lot of trouble. But this kind of fans (there is a fine line between very invested and obsessed) are also the ones who push forward a lot of events, who create things like “XZ’s fans Association” and who promote his works the most. His studio did call them out in the end, and said that everyone should relax in their support, but it’s also true that this fans also had a great hand in pushing him to the top of the charts. There’s a very fine line between gain and loss here, so how can one measure the value?

(But the antis who disguise as his fans and create trouble just for the sake of ruining his reputation are a whole other issue. No excuses for them).

Finally, the answers

To answer (I know we*bo and his studio has taken some steps recently but how has this affected public opinion on xz? Has it improved/ are more people favoring him or has it gotten worse?) more exactly:

When we are talking about public opinion, it can actually be divided into 3 factions: his fans, the antis, and the actual general public who is neutral by default.

1. His fans stayed the same, supporting him through the storm. The opinion of the fans isn’t so easily swayed (though he has lost some in this process, he has also gained new followers), and the main feeling they have towards him now can be summarized in 心疼 (”xin teng”, a feeling that, in this case, can be described as “I’m really sorry that all of this has happened to you because I know that you were innocent in this”). I’ll explain a little bit more about his fans support in the last part of the post.

2. The antis can also be divided into 2 groups: “regular” antis and “professional” antis. The 2/27 Great Union community still exists, but it’s a closed off community and to enter it, the new member has to be approved by a moderator. I’ve seen public comments with the 2/27 Great Union tag, that after his interviews have morphed into “I’m a commoner and I hate XZ”, but they are a lot less active these days. Even if they still have hate after everything that happened, the average anti has gone back to their usual life after quarantine was lifted, so it’s less active.

Some of the “regular” antis will stay active, but that’s to be expected. For example, some of WYB’s solo fans were all exploding over the new vlog XZ’s Studio updated three days ago. While it’s ridiculous for the rest of us, these people will continue their “XZ is using WYB to further his own fame” campaign.

However, it’s different with the “professional” anti. As we said in previous posts, people like “B” has a lot of time, energy and resources to invest in a smear campaign against XZ. Where does all of that come from? I don’t know. What I do know is that once XZ’s topic cools down enough and another scandal of another idol, no matter how small, appears, they’ll shift to hate content about the other idol. What matters to them is to produce content that people will engage with, so they get more views and followers, and profit with it.

3. And now, the “neutral-by-default general public”. There is a problem in how we, as netizens, manage the information. In the previous post, I talked about a hater who had written an assessment because “XZ’s fans” had insulted her parents. While the main objective of the document wasn’t to see how the general public views him, I took the data she had extracted.

The general public isn’t so neutral anymore. While it’s true that XZ keeps gaining fans (he’s still riding on CQL’s success train), what general public, the average passerby, has heard from him is:

A XZ fan has stolen a deceased person’s account to keep promoting him

“XZ’s fans” attack a user’s parents on Father’s Day.

A primary school teacher promotes her favourite idol in her class.

These are bound to create a bad image and reputation in people’s mind. We know (I explained all of those incidents in previous posts) that only the teacher incident was truly caused by a XZ fan. There’s no proof that the person who insulted that user’s parents was a XZ fan, and w/ibo has proved that the “stolen” account incident was a scheme from start to finish.

However, the headache in all of those incidents is that the initial issue (“a XZ fan stole a deceased person account to continue to promote him!”) is announced widely and loudly, attracting people’s attention to it. However, people won’t dig up more information. Less than half will actually read the article or investigate more about it. W/ibo actually investigating it and discovering that it was all a plot to frame XZ isn’t given importance, nor does it go on the hot search chart. People only know what happened at first, but don’t know how the story ended. And this is a huge problem for him, because people accuse him but don’t care to know if he was actually the culprit.

(Wow, just like WWX in CQL).

So I found this to describe it.

There are still neutral people: those who couldn’t care less about the tabloids, and that never read gossip sites. These are still a great part of the general public. Anon was asking about the public opinion: the fact is that previously neutral people have only heared bad things about him for half a year, so that’s bound to affect their image of someone they’re not invested in.

If XZ were defeated, and retired, I’m sure a lot of articles like “framing the innocent” would appear. We people just like to have something to talk about.

His fans’ support

XZ ended 2019 with his followers on w/ibo numbering on 21,690,000. The exact number of his w/ibo followers right now is 26,458,877 (26,459,350 two hours later, by the time I’m editing this to post it). He continues to be liked by more people, and antis may try to reduce his popularity, but it’s a fact that his talent and effort are appreciated by people with no hidden agenda. 

XZ is also slowly coming back to work and to his endorsements, which are very good news. We saw him recently in the R/SEONLY add for Chinese Qixi, in the event for Cao Yu’s anniversary, the vlog the studio updated.

Less directly, Kai Xiao Zao, one of the brands that didn’t stop working with him even after 2/27 (they are a smaller brand, and they must have invested a lot in their endorser, so they can’t just put him aside like other bigger brands did), recently put up little stands in malls all over China to promote their new product. In every stand there was a wall for customers to write and a couple of XZ cardboard cutouts.

In his interview in Yunnan, XZ had been seen wearing his red cord bracelet, to ward off bad luck. So fans started to add their own amulets to ward off bad luck and offerings to the cutouts.

They started off like this...

Fans came...

And they ended up like this. The funny fact it’s that people started to add plush toys, hats and even food to the cutouts, so based on what “XZ” is wearing one can guess where was the photo taken.

This was a widespread phenomenon in all of KXZ stands. So to say that XZ has lost support from his fans would be certainly false.

His dramas are also expected to be aired soon and have been confirmed to. His patience is paying off little by little, and he’s coming back to work.

The moral of the story

I hope we can all learn something from this. If anything, it has changed my own attitude on the Internet. I used to be very quick to answer with extreme words if I felt strongly about a topic. Now I try to tone down my responses. I’m not saying that you’d all do the same, but it’s a lesson I extract from other people’s experiences. History should serve to avoid mistakes others have committed as much as possible.

In the technology and communications based world we live in, to believe that what we do on Internet doesn’t affect real people’s everyday lives is a huge lie. So, now that we can see that XZ is slowly coming back, let’s all remember that this once happened: let’s all be kind on the internet and avoid engaging with people who dedicate themselves to spread hate.

It has been hard on him. But he’s going to top the snowy summit. Let’s do our best to support him rationally.

Prev: Part 5 and 6: A snowy summit

[youcantfiremebecauseiquit]

idk if u care but crispin gray recently had an interview about his entire career and it kind of changed my perspective of queenadreena…idk if for better or for worse lol. it was weird to see him so dismissive of a lot of his catalogue w katie except for ‘love your money’ just because that was the only remotely chart successful song. i get you want to be able to sustain yourself but jeez him and katie really had a weird back and forth relationship

Sorry i'm replying late, i've seen the interview pop up on Youtube but honestly i was too invested in university shit recently & generally not in the good mood for that but i'm planning to watch. How did it change your view on Queen Adreena, did he say something mean specifically on QA or Katie? I mean i gotta watch it but honestly? Not surprised in the slightest. A few years ago he was asked to describe fave songs he recorded throughout the years and he listed more of Daisy Chainsaw ones than anything else, with Love Your Money as number 1. The differences in their points of view are real something, Katie Jane absolutely HATED Love Your Money, same as Daisy Chainsaw. Kinda apparent he wanted bigger fame but DC dropped fast and QA failed to live up to their predictions.

i had a time when i liked to dig up old Queen Adreena interviews that are lost in the old internet & generally not available for years (which i planned to post on is-she-suffering but my investment in that site is... varied in its intensity). Also that was back in the days when i wrote Queen Adreena book during manic phase and tried to sell it but lost motivation Well since i don't do anything with that knowledge anyway i'll put what i know here as i love fan discussions

So they sure had/have odd back and forth love-hate relationship & that's the reason why their career went how it went. There's been a huge tension between them at some point. I'm sure you know she had a major mental breakdown (probably schizophrenic episode) after Daisy Chainsaw, or even beginning before her leaving, and then she went into isolation and lived with an old woman in Lake District for awhile. She left Daisy Chainsaw cause Crispin didn't want her to come up with her own songs (all of DC was by Crispin except for Lovely ugly brutal world by KJ).

They almost split up as Queen Adreena after Drink Me. The material for The Butcher and The Butterfly was written at different times, originally it was meant to be called Atom Bomb at Bikini but it was constantly delaying and they eventually recorded everything they've got live. So that's obvious right? But i was surprised to find out they were writing songs separately. Some of them (i forgot which though) were written by Katie Jane and Pete Howard's sons band (they're even credited) + some with Melanie Garside, Richard Adams + some other musician. Katie Jane didn't like it. They intended it to be their last album at the time. She also hated live at ICA show but they released it cause they were broke

But that's a digression. I just wanna say that at this point they were done with each other but kept pushing it. Katie had her own art projects and stuff, Crispin started Dogbones with Nomi and i just remember how vaguely pissed at Katie he waas in the interviews. Like he stressed that Dogbones is his number one priority and if Katie wants to do something with Queenadreena, she must wait til Dogbones have a break first or something, and it sounded oddly bitter.

RaCH and Djinn era are just so weird, they had opportunities but let them go in a way. I don't think many people know but they were huge demand in Japan. They entered album charts and were interviewed by 11 magazines and 6 (!)TV stations there (wtf happened to that material i want to know???). But they only played 5 times or less.

Katie said she considers the band dead but they decided they can try to play for a couple more months. But aside from that she 100% lost the interest in the band around Djinn. There's an interview where she says "the overall image is Crispin but the shape will change again at rehearsals". And you can hear it, it’s more blues rock than anything. IMO it's their worst production wise. Instruments are fine but Katie's voice is so badly produced that sometimes i find some songs fucking irritating, cause they didn’t cut out her breaths and the vocals are TOO LOUD, to the point of distorting. As if she stands too close to the mic. The album is fine but it feels unfinished.

And here we come back to Crispin... here's what he said after the QA split:

Why the Dogbones started? “I needed to work more than the previous band I was in was working, the previous band who shall remain nameless, haha… um… Queenadreena. I wanted to work more than the singer of Queenadreena wanted to work… so that’s why it started. Fine by me… but I really like to be in a band, I’m not a solo project kind of guy. The last album (‘Djin’) did come out in the UK, but it was so low key because Katie kind of disappeared so there was little point in promoting it. Personally it’s my favourite by far so it was a shame but there you go… So here are Dogbones, it’s not been an easy ride but we are trying very hard.

Ok so the bitterness is kinda apparent isn't it. I think there were two reasons why they argued so much, first musical differences. Katie at some point lost interest in loud rock music for some years and went the folk way in Ruby Throat. I have a theory that Taxidermy and Drink Me are more influenced by Katie Jane and Butcher and Djinn are more Crispin. During first albums i think Katie more actively took part in music composition and choosing arrangements. She wrote lyrics, melodies but also composed a lot of songs on some little electronic keyboard thing and 4 track (Heavenly Surrender, Pray for me, My Silent Undoing, all Lalleshwari +more). Plus she wanted more peaceful/dreamy sound on Taxidermy than full on rock, Crispin complained about it in some 00's interview, that he'd like it to be more rock. Then there are 2 versions of Drink Me, the original has rough and alt versions of songs (it was sold by Katie and it's leaked on FB and probably YT). Crispin Gray apparently really hated the final Drink Me. Now next album is The Butcher & The Butterfly and it's more standard blues rock, no more crazy dreamy things of previous albums etc., Djinn is even more blues rock but darker. Djinn was his favourite at some point while KJ hated Butcher, not sure about Djinn. So i think they had different views on where they should go, Katie made her weird simplistic creepy tunes (like Lalleshwari) and folk melodies adding that strange things to noise rock. Crispin probably wanted blues & rock.

Other than that, i’m convinced they are bitter exes, lol. There’s been rumours about them dating during Daisy Chainsaw for years, plus Katie had a history of dating band members. Crispin wrote X-ing off the days about her. I don’t know if they dated again in Queen Adreena. Then there’s this interview, timeline is unclear, either The butcher & the butterfly or later:

„Katie writes all the songs herself and often looks for melodies and structure with the drummer. With Crispin - her husband or ex-husband, which is not entirely clear to me - for almost three years she has no longer been in a room. "Sometimes we send him a letter with a new song and that's all we can do. All we have are our lungs and our musical talent and we have to do with it. It is repugnant difficult life, I know most of the time how I should deal with it." But Queenadreena will still remain even exist? "I think so, we are now pretty busy and I see where the ship aground.”

I always wondered what exactly happened after Djinn, i’ve seen Katie Jane say „i think they gave up on me” while others said she disappeared. Other times CG said there’s no bad blood between them but at the same time there’s been some weird tension.  As of recent i thought they reconnected somehow through the internet and had a good relation but who really knows.s

I get why Crispin gets irritated when people compare everything he does to „stealing from KJ” but honestly, he gave them good reasons, at least in the 90’s. I can believe Starsha Lee singer isn’t copying Katie cause she’s from Brazil or something and she didn’t know Queen Adreena before. But everything else… Crispin’s problem is that he doesn’t know what he wants. He spent 90’s chasing something, tried singing himself, had girl singer replacements and even one KJ copy. Dogbones was ironically his most original non-Katie band, even with all their grunge influences. In a way he wants to be a frontman and at the same time doesn’t. Idk if he’s very controlling, but Daisy Chainsaw shows he valued his songs/lyrics first & in Queen Adreena he had to step back a lot, cause Katie’s condition was she would be in charge of the lyrics. I don’t think he realizes how strongly Daisy Chainsaw issues affected Katie, i mean from her own words you can read that aside from media attention/hate, her being unable to write lyrics had a role in her breakdown. I think she now let go but for years she hated remembering Daisy Chainsaw and she felt kind of worthless cause she was only somebody else’s mouthpiece. I’m not trying to say he’s cruel or anything, but i firmly believe rock lyrics writers should sing their own songs or else there are problems.

They both were writers-composers with different vision and i have impression they struggled a lot while shaping their songs, cause they both stuck to their ideas. Hence 2 versions of Princess Carwash maybe. Katie once said that he „gets terribly upset with her” cause she writes her songs on a simple wind organ and uses a few chord buttons only. Clash of writer ways/personalities/egos and at some point they had to let go.

Maybe he prefers music/bands where he was 100% in control including lyrics (note he wrote/sang some lyrics in Dogbones too). Daisy Chainsaw achieved bigger success US and UK wise as they were offered to play Top of The Pops, and they’re more well liked/remembered by „general alt public”. Queen Adreena however is way more valued as a cult band, with cult following and admiration in UK & France. Most people think Pretty Like Drugs and other QA songs are his best work and he probably finds it irritating cause truth is, he never managed to be more successful than Daisy Chainsaw/Queenadreena. Love Your Money is ironically the least Crispin Gray/DC/QA sounding song in my opinion. I kinda find it irritating that he downplays Queen Adreena cause it was probably his best work in this band but whatever

So yeah sorry for the word spill, that’s what i can think of it right now but as i said, i haven’t watched the interview yet, it’s just this kind of treatment is in a way consistent for him

[inaure-forhalla]

because at this rate i will simply never have proper full written out bios for my muses, below the cut find some more detailed information about my muses that give you more info than just the vibey little blurbs i shat out at some ungodly hour of the day:

akllasqa mamani:

aklla is the daughter of a scientist that had all her titles stripped of her, and prohibited from working in the field after unethical experiments came to light. this doesn’t stop her from laying low and forming a personal lab, although under a watchful eye. she proceeds to learn and absorb all she can about genetic editing, and with the use of the CRISPR method and friends manning labs, she produces her own genetically edited egg. this is where aklla comes from, she’s planted in her mother’s womb and grows to be a girl who continues her life under a microscope. her mother is constantly poking and prodding at her, in a desperate attempt to note every deviation from regular behaviour from a girl who was tailored. aklla is diagnosed with anti social personality disorder in the future, and as a child is known to have conduct disorder. she’s been called a sociopath more times than she can count and is prone to sudden, and violent outbursts. all in all, a difficult teenager trying to maneuver through a society that works against anyone with any mental diagnosis.

jolene walsh:

honestly jolene’s the only one i have a full bio for, so because i’m lazy catch that here. 

vivian han:

vivian grows up in a house that values tradition, and in particular the image of a good family. her parents are not overtly religious, but they’re devout christian’s. they got married young, and without much thought and this leads to strife in their household. they start to fall out of love right in front of her eyes, but old time tradition and religious beliefs compel them to stay together despite divorce being the healthiest option for them both. being the oldest daughter in the house, vivian often has to play peacekeeper between her parents fights. she grows weary of it, but knows her options are limited. the older she gets, the more time she spends outside of the house. parties where the music is so loud she can’t hear her thoughts, she drinks away whatever she’ll have to face when she gets home. vivian is the fun girl, and the smart girl, and the party girl, and she does whatever she can to keep up every front she has. straight a student, but beloved by her peers. and only because she tries so hard. sometimes that comes with a small mean streak to be accepted by her peers, but she grows out of that quickly. guilt wears on her conscience heavily. an unhealthy relationship is all she knows as she grows up and so it leads her into her own. she dates a boy who becomes her ruin, but she tolerates it because that’s all she knows. she tolerates it even when he pushes her against a wall and she’s worried she has a concussion. he never hits her, and that’s his excuse. she files a restraining order after much thought and push from her friends. but it only makes her wild nights even worse, she has more pain to drink away now.

gabriel and ronan:

two boys that were once part of the same band, now leading two completely different lives. gabriel has always had his head in the clouds, always dreamt of life as a musician. his parents could do little to stop what his heart wanted. as a kid he’d play in shows any chance he got at school, and even kick started his own garage band with his friends. he never wanted to be the star of the show, gabriel was more than happy in the background. and that’s how he becomes the bass player of Golden Ours. he grew up in a bustling house that knew nothing about love, and it’s what he puts out into the world. his energy comes from genuine joy, and the desire to spread kindness. he’s a humble star from humble beginnings, and does his best to not let fame get to his head. naturally, there are slip ups, ones he does his best to hide. but all in all, he makes for pleasant company. not much tragedy in this one, rather typical if you ask me. 

ronan on the other hand grows up in completely different circumstances. the accident child of an alcoholic and a junkie, he never really knows stability in his life. his parents never have a good means to finances, and he picks up odd jobs as a kid to support himself if not his parents. he holds his father’s anger and defends himself after each bark and bite from his parents. he doesn’t grow up in a good house, and he doesn’t know if he likes them more when they’re sober or completely out of their minds. he swings a fist at this father at eighteen and is met with his ass on the curb. with little to nothing to his name, he sofa surfs as long as he can, gets himself jobs here and there, nothing that lasts too long. he comes across gabriel before the band hits the charts and it begins as roommates soon turned bandmates. he joins as lead guitarist. ronan’s one to butt heads with the band often, but at the end of the day, they’re family and family was meant to fight. but the disputes only heighten when ronan pushes them to take deals that come their way. change their look, change their sound, change change change for the mainstream media. they won’t take it, and so ronan does. leaves the band behind and embraces life as someone he doesn’t recognize in the mirror. he goes from alt indie rock to more mainstream pop rock. his manager decides what he wears, what he sings, what he signs up for. the money’s good, but he hates himself. but the money’s good.

mira deol:

mira lives a quiet life for the most part. second oldest daughter of five, their family is never without festivities. she’s a good student, not the top of her class, but trying. she sits in the middle of everything, never too loud, never too quiet. mira seems to breeze by life in the background and a part of her itches to be at the front of the show. she knows she’s not built for it, so instead she’ll smile and nod through it all. her life flips upside down, she becomes part of headlines when her family is killed at sixteen. in the middle of the night, the confront what they think to be a robber. her father and his broken english yelling downstairs, threatening to call the cops when a gun’s pulled out on them. mira, silent, watches from the top of the stairs while her entire family is sat down on the rug. one by one, they’re lined up and taken out with a single shot to the head. execution style. she scampers into a closet, and her hands search the dark floors for the gun she knows her dad has. and she sits there, as quiet as ever, hands shaking as she holds the gun in front of her. she thinks he’s left until she hears the creaks up the stairs and the closet door swings open. she closes her eyes and empties the bullets into her assailant without a second thought. mira’s found with blood, both her own and his, on her body. she hasn’t left the closet when they find her, a neighbour calls when they hear the last round of gunshots. her face takes the newspapers by storm and she’s a charity case. without any other family overseas, she moves in with her next door neighbours. a girl she knows from school. she suffers from traumatic mutism for a year. rehab and therapy get her to open up, and she cries anytime she speaks for another year. her life is spent in and out of therapy, and when she finally moves out and manages to get into university, she lives alone. everything about her life screams at her to live with company, but fear of what happens to company around her forces her into living alone. currently, mira is still healing. it’s been five years since her family’s death and she’s pushing herself back into society slowly. her emotions are hard to handle, and she’s incredibly clingy when she gets attached. 

buster jones:

buster lives a comfortable life. his parents work good jobs and they don’t expect much from him. as the youngest of a trio of boys, he’s the family’s baby for most of his life and he milks it for all it’s worth. he spends most of his time gaming, eating, or hanging out with friends. never the best student, but he manages to pull through with the tutors his parents throw at him a countless number of times. he doesn’t tell them that he’s paid kids to do his homework and essays, they don’t need to know that. but when both brothers leave the house, grow old enough to make it out on their own, the attention turns back to buster. buster who does nothing for the family but eat half the contents of their fridge, which can no longer be excuse as the appetite of a growing boy. so his parents make him take up a job, any job, they tell him, and so he goes to work at a mcdonald’s. he reckons it’ll be the least amount of effort he’ll have to put in, and impossible to get fired from. plus, free fries anytime he so pleased. he’s working through his last year of highschool, projected to have to take a fifth year if summer courses fail him. when he makes it to college he takes up criminal justice. not with the dreams of being a lawyer like his mother so hopes, but with the dream of getting into the fbi. only because it looks cool on television and he swears they know everything about area 51, and the gps’ that babies are injected with. an avid reader of conspiracies that he spouts like his life depends on it, what he doesn’t have in book smart, he also doesn’t have much in street smart. how buster makes it through the day, everyone wonders. but somehow he does.

elena castillo:

she grows up doted on. an only child, given the world at her every whim. her father loves her, her mother loves her, but doesn’t have to love as much since her father takes care of that part. her father dies when she’s eight, and her mother doesn’t take it well. elena had shown various talents at a young age, and the one her mother hones in on is her ability to skate. never having taken professional figure skating, her mother says it’s time for her to try. she doesn’t protest much, knows just how pushy her mother can be. she’s a good child for the most part, prone to temper tantrums, but mother knows best. elena’s mother focuses all her energy on her daughter, and it becomes obsessive. like a pageant mom, she signs her up for every competition under the stars. elena is bound to win most of them, and that’s because her mother doesn’t let her rest until she gets her routine down pat. elena’s perfectionism is taught and forced down her throat, it doesn’t come naturally. it doesn’t take long for the girl to embrace that figure skating has become her life. pulled out of classes on a whim just to participate in competitions, she learns how to catch up with classwork quickly without disappointing her mother. she never admits it, but she seeks validation from the one parent she still has. thinks maybe she’ll gain the same love she got from her father if she does it right. elena is quick to snap as she grows older. becomes her biggest critique, and with it comes a sharp attitude that she’s quick to lash out onto others. she projects her own insecurities, and drags people down to bring herself up. she’s now a professional figure skater, one of the best of her age at twenty. but it didn’t come easy, and she’s not willing to give it up easy. in front of the cameras and the crews she waves and smiles. once the lights drop, so does the facade and she doesn’t bother to lift a finger for anyone she deems not worth her time. she becomes more like mother, and over the years, they become more like partners than mother and daughter. their relationship is never healthy.

luciana pereira: prev lucarus

has the sexiest bio it deserves a read here

imogen, willa, devna mini bios coming soon !

[myforeverforlife]

all I want is you, my love.

For @blanknearvana​ Idol Baekhyun (They’ve gone public with their relationship, supporting him during a comeback pre-recording and being insecure because he's a star and she's a nursing student trying to graduate) and 89. "And when did you plan on telling me this?" + 141. "Use your words." (I hope you like it! I think I strayed from the request a bit but I’m hoping everything makes sense LOL) 

Pairing: Baekhyun x Reader

Word Count: 2,837

Masterlist

You were stressed out, to say the least. For the last three years, you had been tackling a heavy courseload in order to earn your bachelor's in nursing, along with hectic internship hours. Just recently, you had also begun studying for the Korean Nurses' Licensing Exam. The work kept piling up, and some days were more draining than others.

In the roughest of times, your boyfriend was there to help. Of course, it was still difficult, seeing as he was one of the biggest idols in South Korea — correction, in the world. But as faithful as Baekhyun was to his fans, he was even more devoted to you. Baekhyun did everything in his power to be just as present in the relationship as you were, making it home to your shared apartment every night — unless he was out of the country, of course. Both of you took solace in the shared comfort of your relationship for the past couple of years, finding escape from the stresses of work in each other. 

The two of you had been extremely careful in keeping your relationship hidden from the public. Although Baekhyun had everlasting faith in the support and love from his fans, you had heard of enough horror stories when it came to celebrities dating. Plus, the fear of anti-fans figuring out who you were, where you worked and went to school... it was overwhelming. There had already been a few close calls in the past month, a few stalkers getting much too close for comfort. Baekhyun understood how you felt, but he also believed it was better to be the ones to share the news. He had seen how much worse fans reacted when the news outlets were the ones to spread news, rather than the idols themselves. 

A mess of conflicting thoughts swirled around in Baekhyun's head, both of you curled up on the couch as a movie played on TV. "Babe?" he asked hesitantly. He continued on when he heard you hum in response. "I want to go public about us." Baekhyun sat up when he felt you freeze, both of you breaking apart. "Why now?" you asked. "You really want to do this before your album's released?" Sighing, you covered your face with your hands. "Baek, I don't know about this." 

"Hey," Baekhyun gently pried your hands away, his fingers twining with yours. "Look at me, please." He mustered up a reassuring smile when you met his eye, worry written all over both of your faces. "I was talking to my manager, and we were thinking that it would be better to do it before the pre-orders open, instead of after the album release. If we announce it after, people might accuse me of trying to hide a "scandal" to save album sales. At least if we announce it before the album comes out, we'll know who the true Eris are, the ones that care enough to stick around and support us." 

You hated to admit it, but his argument made sense. But something else was bothering you... "Baekhyun, when did you plan on telling me this? You talked about this with your manager before me?"

Baekhyun's face fell, guilt washing over his features. "I didn't want to worry you until I had a plan for sure. I just went to ask him and others at the company for advice, it was literally only a couple of days ago." 

"A couple of days? God, Baek, I wish you had come to me first." You could feel the tears starting to well up, feeling betrayed and angry that Baekhyun hadn't confided in you first.

"Baby," Baekhyun pleaded. "I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to hurt you, I... I wasn't trying to do things behind your back." 

"We're dating, Baekhyun. We're supposed to talk about this together." You ripped your hands out of his, getting up and heading for the bathroom. "It's like I don't even get a choice." 

Baekhyun got up, following after you. "That's not true. This is still our decision to make, together." 

You rolled your eyes, flipping on the bathroom lights as you reached out to grab some tissues. "Really? What's your company going to say if I don't want to go public now?" You turned around, eyes red-rimmed when Baekhyun didn't respond. "They're not going to take no for an answer, are they?" 

"I... I'll talk to them, if that's what you really want. I will," he added firmly when you stared at him skeptically. "At the end of the day, I care about what you think the most, not my fans, not the company." Baekhyun was desperate, heart breaking as you stood there, teary-eyed and furious with him. How long had it been since the two of you had fought? 

You sniffled through your tears, wiping at your face with the clump of tissues in your hand. "I don't know, Baek, honestly. Huffing in frustration, you tossed your used tissues onto the bathroom counter. "I knew this would happen eventually, but... I guess I just hoped that we'd have more time."

Baekhyun came closer, wanting to hug you but also unsure of whether you'd be okay with it. You settled the matter for him, bridging the gap as soon as he took a step forward. Baekhyun sighed in relief when you wrapped your arms around him, his own instantly coming up to wind tightly around your waist. 

"I'm scared, Baek — for both of us. People can be horrible when it comes to this stuff. Your fans love you so much, I don't want this to affect your career." 

Baekhyun pressed a kiss to the top of your head. "We haven't done anything wrong. And if people have a problem with it, then they were never true fans in the first place. I just want to get this out in the open so that we don't have to hide all the time. I want to go on romantic dates with you in public, to hold your hand without worrying about who'll see." 

"I want that too," you mumbled, the side of your face resting against Baekhyun's chest. The two of you stood in silence, unsure of where to go from here. 

"You don't have to give me an answer right away," Baekhyun finally spoke up. "I'll stall with the company, if I have to." His thumbs traced patterns into your sides, calming you down with each brush of his fingers.

Straightening up, you shook your head. "No, you're right, it's safer to announce it sooner rather than later. But aren't you worried about it affecting sales and charting?" 

Baekhyun shrugged, trying to hide his uneasiness. "If it happens, it happens." His expression softened as he grew serious. "You matter more to me than all of that." 

"But your career — " 

"Means nothing if I have to worry about hiding all the time." His lips turned downwards in a slight frown. "But are you sure you're okay with this? I don't want you to agree because you think you have to." 

You reached up to move his bangs away, staring into those deep brown eyes. "The more I think about it, the more I realize that there never will be a ���right’ way to announce that we're dating. People will find out eventually, we've always known this. But I'd rather we do it on our own terms, and if it means announcing it sooner than expected, then I support your decision." 

Baekhyun dove in to kiss you, the sweetest you had ever tasted. It was an apology, pouring all of his emotions into one simple kiss.  

But above all, it was a promise — a promise that no matter what, everything would be alright.

Later that week, Baekhyun posted the announcement on the official fan app, a decision that had both of you wracked with nerves. As expected, there was a group of so-called fans who took no caution in typing up paragraphs of malicious statements online. But there were also fans who typed up sincere notes of congratulations. Even his Twitter mentions were overwhelmingly positive, something that you were extremely glad for.

What neither of you had been expecting were the unbelievable amount of album sales, along with charting at the top of multiple online streaming services. Baekhyun had stared open-mouthed at his phone, refreshing the page as if it were a trick. You could hardly believe it yourself. Baekhyun, your Baekhyun, had managed to break his own record as South Korea's best-selling solo artist.

All with the support of genuine fans who had stuck by him. 

"Congratulations, love." You kissed his cheek with a giggle, pushing his mouth closed as he continued to stare at his phone. 

"This can't be real," he gaped, even as message after message flooded his screen: congratulations from fans, friends, family, co-workers. 

"You deserve this, Baek. I'm so proud of you." 

Baekhyun glanced up from his phone, gaze full of admiration. "Thank you, baby," he said sweetly, leaning down to rest his head against your shoulder. The following days were filled with schedules: radio show appearances, filming for TV shows that Baekhyun couldn't talk about yet, live broadcasts. It was difficult to watch the occasional hateful comment pop up online here and there, but you reminded yourself that the majority of reactions were supportive. 

When Baekhyun had his first comeback performance, you had been so nervous — even more than Baekhyun! You couldn't make it to the live show, too busy with internship hours, but you had texted your boyfriend every so often. Besides, you got to watch the clips with him at home, praising his work as he blushed beside you. 

A few days later, you finally got to go support him in person. You'd be stuck in class for pre-recording, but you would be able to make it for the last bit of the actual show. 

You had secretly been texting Baekhyun's manager, figuring out when and how would be the best way for you to enter the broadcasting studio unnoticed. Fans still screamed for Baekhyun every time they saw him going from one schedule to another, but you were afraid of the reaction you'd get if they realized who you were. Your one saving grace was that they didn't even know what you looked like. 

Since Baekhyun's manager was too recognizable, another staff member came outside when you parked in the lot, ready to escort you in. A hat pulled down low obscured most of your face, a mask covering the bottom half. 

You held your breath as you followed the staff member past the throngs of fans, not making eye-contact with any of them. Although you could hear some of them talking amongst each other, they all seemed to be watching the music broadcast on their phones. If anyone noticed you, they didn’t say anything.

Once you were inside and out of sight, you pulled your mask down. God, your heart felt like it was about to leap up and out of your throat with the way it was beating. 

The staff member led you through the hallways, passing by other artists' waiting rooms. You read each sign, starstruck by the amount of celebrities all in one area. People moved about, loud voices and raucous laughter drifting out from open doors. You could even hear the live broadcast being played from TVs as you passed by. 

All of a sudden, the staff member was stopping before one room, the door slightly open. 

Baekhyun's. 

"Thank you," you told them, the staff member looking you over curiously before nodding and walking away. 

You peered in, a grin pulling at your lips when you recognized a few voices. Inside, you spotted Baekhyun’s manager and what seemed like hair and makeup staff. But you also saw a few of the other EXO members: Sehun's lean form seated in a chair, Chanyeol and Jongin seated side-by-side on a couch, and wait — was that Jongdae? 

Knocking on the door, you pushed it open slowly. "Hi," you greeted. 

Sehun was the first to glance over, face brightening when he realized who it was. "Y/N! How'd you get in?" The room was a mess of overlapping voices, the members talking over one another. You were over the moon to realize the fourth member was Jongdae, thankfully looking healthy and happy. But one person was missing.

"Where's Baekhyun?" you asked.

"Ah, he's doing his interview," Jongdae replied. "His performance should be coming up soon." 

You turned to look at the TV screen where sure enough, Baekhyun was being interviewed by the show hosts. You smiled unconsciously, appreciatively taking in his combed-back hair, the way that his white hoodie and red jacket combo only made him look even younger. 

"Come sit down," Jongdae said, patting the open spot beside him. You gladly say down, both of you quickly catching each other up on anything new. Jongdae even showed you pictures of his newborn daughter, both of you fawning over the petite baby. 

"She's adorable, Dae." 

Jongdae smiled a kittenish grin, about to speak when Chanyeol let out a loud yell. The taller man had been playing a mobile game, and he slumped back against the couch as his phone dropped to his side.

"Use your words, Chanyeol," Jongin said with a chuckle.

"I can't beat the level on this game! I give up, my thumbs are about to fall off." He sat up, taking his hat off and putting it on backwards. 

The door to the waiting room opened, a blur of red entering before you realized who it was. You and Baekhyun noticed each other at the same time, his droopy eyes growing bigger before he rushed over to you. 

Baekhyun swept you up into a hug before remembering where you were, a pink flush spreading over his face. "Babe, how'd you get here? How long have you been here?"

"I came as soon as classes ended, I've been texting your manager all day." You ran a thumb over his eyes, tracing the shadows that were barely noticeable there. "Baek, you look tired." 

"I've been up since dawn," he whined. "But I missed doing performances." He nodded towards the monitor with a grin. "You came just in time. They're going to play my performance after this once, but I have to head to the main stage for the voting results." 

Baekhyun's gaze flickered over to a table close by, a knowing smile growing on his face. "I was going to vlog today, for Kyoongtube. The rest of the members are going to show up on stage if I win this week, do you want to come up too?" He seemed to sense your hesitation, hands closing over yours. "You don't have to if you don't want to." 

"I'm just worried about people seeing my face," you admitted. "Is it okay if I wait here until you get back?" 

"Of course," Baekhyun replied quickly. "I'll be back as soon as I can, and then we can go get something to eat. Do you have anything due tomorrow?"

"Nothing that I can't get done tonight." 

Baekhyun grinned proudly. "Such a smartie." He looked back up at the TV screen as his performance began to play. "That's my cue." 

"Go, I'll be here." Both of you were self-conscious about PDA in this room full of members and staff, but Baekhyun still brought his lips to yours in a quick kiss. He laughed when he moved back, enjoying the shocked expression on your face. 

"I love you," he mouthed, only for the two of you to hear. 

"I love you too," you whispered back, face growing warmer by the second. Baekhyun squeezed your hands before letting go, already looking much more awake than when he had come in. Your presence had done more for him than any amount of Americanos could have, instantly waking him up with only a smile from you. 

As you watched him leave, you were struck by the reality of it all. Here you were, supporting your boyfriend instead of quietly at home like you had been for the past few years. It hd taken time, and a huge leap of faith, but you hadn't done it alone. 

Your focus had always been on the future, on predicting anything that could go wrong and taking the necessary steps to avoid them. But with Baekhyun, you were learning that sometimes, there wasn't a perfect way to avoid trouble. Sometimes, the answers weren't so clear cut, and you would have to take risks before you knew if they were worth it in the end. It was easy to give into fears of what lay ahead, to be overwhelmed by the unknown. 

But you weren't alone. Baekhyun was your number one supporter, and you knew that you could rely on him no matter what happened. The two of you had already gone through so much, been there for each other countless times. 

With Baekhyun, you would never be lost.

A/N: these requests keep getting longer, and I just need to stop LOL. I started off with the entire fic just being them at the broadcasting station for the comeback performance, but I didn’t feel like I could get that whole going public/being stressed by school and baekhyun’s star status without the whole background scene. Also! I know nothing about nursing, and I was honestly trying to figure out how much specific detail to put in without getting things wrong haha (my google searches were literally “how to become a nurse”, “nursing in korea”, “what is it like in a nursing program”) so if any of the very brief mentions of nursing school are inaccurate I am very sorry 😂😂😂  

[brandyllyn]

In our own image... (17)

Chapter 17

(Poe Dameron x OFC)

Other chapters... My Masterlist

Word count: 1900. Read it on AO3.

Rating: Teen & Up (PG).

Poe wished he could pretend to be surprised when he woke up the next morning and the Mu shuttle was gone. Wished he could hide behind an exclamation of 'What?' and 'I had no idea!' and then spend the day shrugging his shoulders and acting confused when the inevitable questions began. He just didn’t have a good enough sabacc face to fake surprise.

The workshop was down, the vast majority of the crates and tools gone with her in the shuttle. Rey was perched on top of one of the remaining boxes, talking to one of the new mechanics. They both gave him nervous looks when he walked over.

"What did she leave?" Poe asked, thumbs tucked into his belt.

"Some spare parts for the astromechs. A box of upgraded converter chips she showed me how to replace. A crate of spare tools for basic repairs and cleaning. A box for Chewbacca we haven’t opened yet." Rey pointed at each thing as she listed them off.

"So she said goodbye to you then?" Poe put the question out as casually as possible.

"Did she not…" Rey looked at him and he could see the concern and sadness flash over her face. "Poe I’m-"

"We said our goodbyes yesterday," he cut her off, squatting to look at the crate of converters. "Do we know what droids still need these?" Rey nodded and handed him a data pad with the list on it. "Are you comfortable taking this on and do you want help?"

Rey nodded and then shook her head. "I’ve got it. It’ll be a nice distraction from Leia hitting me with her cane every afternoon."

Poe nodded, rising to his feet. "Ok then. I’ve got a squad meeting, I’ll see you later."

He didn’t look back as he walked away, trying to keep his face impassive. No one tried to stop him as he made his way to the flight line. He passed Command, not bothering to look inside. If someone needed him they knew where to look and he wasn’t ready to invite conversation. He nodded at Kaydel as he passed and she ran over to fall into step next to him.

"What do you need KoKo?" He tried to force a smile but it didn’t feel like it was working.

"Our charts for Phaeda are a bit wonky. Could you send someone over there to remap? D’Arcy has an astromech already loaded up with the programming."

"Yeah, we can do that. I’ll send Snap out. He’s been itching to get off-base." Poe made a mental note.

"Thanks," Kaydel replied. Rather than moving away from him she kept pace.

"Was there something else?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I saw that Kina was gone and I wanted to say-"

"Stop," Poe froze in his tracks, lifting a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. "No KoKo. We’re not doing this. It’s private okay?"

"Okay," she said quickly. "I just wanted you know I was here for you if you needed-"

He patted her shoulder. "I appreciate it."

She smiled and then jogged away, back toward Command. Maker, all he wanted was to be left in peace with his own thoughts. Was his whole day going to be well-meaning friends?

Yes, yes it was.

Snap cornered him after the briefing and Poe was more than happy to send the man off-base on mission. Then it was Pava’s turn. After her Karé punched him in the shoulder and asked if he wanted to drink spatchka with them later.

The only person he saw that morning who didn’t mention Kina leaving was Chewie. The Wookie didn’t have anything to say to him at all in fact. When he sat down with his lunch at the table with him and Finn, Chewie got up and left without comment - leaving behind the remains of his meal.

"What was that about?" Finn asked with a raised eyebrow.

Poe sighed. "I think he liked her more than he likes me."

"Well that’s not difficult," Finn replied and Poe threw a nootlik pit at him.

At least his afternoon was guaranteed to be quiet. He had slated himself to do repairs on Black One - some much needed cockpit maintenance. BB-8 whistled at him from the back as he called out questions and he tried hard not to think of her with every trill from the droid.

"What’s the frequency on six-alpha-four-nine?" He called out. When BB-8 answered he adjusted the array and asked again. Tedious, mind-numbing work that took all his concentration and none of his brain.

Exactly what he needed.

He barely noticed when Finn walked up, climbing the short ladder and settling himself against the fuselage of the craft, legs stretched across the wing, his fingers laced across his stomach. He didn’t even wait for Poe’s greeting before asking, "So, you gonna tell me what happened?"

"With what?" Poe asked, teeth clenched around a wrench.

"With what?" Finn mocked, dropping his voice an octave in what was most definitely a terrible impression of Poe himself. "With your lover as Chewie would say. With Kina."

Poe didn’t pull his head up, kept himself bent into the cockpit. "It didn’t work out."

He heard Finn snort and felt the man poke a finger into the back of his thigh. "I figured that much out. But what happened?"

Poe sighed, finally leaning back out to crouch on the wing next to Finn. "She wanted me to put her first," he shrugged.

Finna raised an eyebrow. "That doesn’t seem unreasonable."

"Except that I already promised that the Resistance - this fight - would come first," he continued, pointing at the X-Wing with the wrench. "And that’s not the kind of promise you can make twice."

"Oh," Finn said quietly.

"Oh," Poe mocked before leaning back in to work on the control panel.

Another poke. "You okay?"

"I’m fine," Poe bit out.

"You don’t seem fine."

"Finn I swear if you-"

"Why are we threatening Finn?" Rey’s voice came from further away and Poe groaned. Just what he needed. More people prying.

"He’s grumpy because I’m asking reasonable questions," Finn called back.

"I’m not-" Poe jerked his head up and saw that Rey was now sitting cross legged on the wing as well. "This is too many people. It’s not good for my ship. Someone needs to get down."

Rey rolled her eyes at him even as Finn made as if to rise. "This ship’s wing has a load rating of close to a ton. I know Finn’s been hitting the new shipment of sweets - but not that hard."

"Hey," the other man said mildly and Rey grinned at him. He sat back down, glaring at Poe. "Nice try."

Poe shrugged, wiping his hands on his pants and moving to slide into the cockpit’s seat. "Was worth a shot."

"What are we talking about?" Rey asked.

"Poe’s dedication to the Resistance above all other things," Finn supplied and Poe closed his eyes and thunked his head against the back of the seat. He missed when all his friends were subordinate to him and he could just order them to go away. "Especially over beautiful people who like him more than he deserves."

"Hey," Poe turned slightly to give the man a glare. "I deserve every bit of it, thank you."

"Is that what he told you?" Rey’s voice cut into his thoughts.

"What?" Both Finn and Poe responded at once.

Rey’s eyes darted to the side. "That it was your dedication to the Resistance that was the problem?"

"Yeah," Poe grumbled, turning back to his work. "Because it was."

"I don’t think…" Rey trailed off, a considering look on her face.

"What is that?" Finn asked, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. "What do you know?"

Poe tried not to pay attention to Rey. He needed to focus on his work and whatever the reason was that Kina had left it was a moot point now because she had.

"I don’t know anything," Rey said quietly and Poe had to strain his ears to hear her, "But that doesn’t sound like what she told me."

"What did she tell you?" Finn whispered, still loud enough for Poe to hear.

"Alright, no. We’re not doing this." Poe lifted himself from the cockpit, boots thumping down on to the wing and his hands on his hips towering over them. "She left. It’s over. I for one would like to move on. So if you’re going to stay you need to find a new topic."

Rey and Finn both looked at him, and then each other. As one they slid off the edge of the X-Wing - heads close together as they walked away.

That was… not what he intended.

Poe let his back slide against the fuselage until he was sitting on the wing, legs sprawled in front of him. He didn’t want to talk - but also being alone wasn’t going to work either. Everything reminded him of her. Working with BB-8 on Black One was just a reminder of how she had chatted with the droid - their whistles flying back and forth too quickly to follow.

He sighed. "Beebs?"

"Yes Friend Poe?"

"Did she ever tell you anything about why she was leaving?" He hated asking, but BB-8 was probably the only person on base that he would ask.

"No Friend Poe," BB-8 whistled back. "She told me many times she was happy and that she liked Friend Poe."

Poe snorted a laugh, smiling to himself. "Well that’s nice to hear."

"And Friend Kina said she liked BB-8 when she said goodbye to me."

"When?" Poe rolled his head to look back at where the droid sat in the X-Wing.

"After Friend Poe went to sleep," BB-8 replied. "She asked me to take care of Friend Poe."

He closed his eyes, brow furrowing. Finally he let out a long breath, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah, that sounds about right."

"Friend Poe?"

"Yeah buddy?"

"Is it my fault Friend Kina left?"

"What?" Poe jerked upright, spinning slightly to look at the droid. "Why would you think that?"

"When my Friends fought they mentioned BB-8 many times," the droid gave a sad trill. "I was worried that their fight was because of me."

Poe got up, working his way along the X-Wing until he could perch his hip next to the bay where BB-8 was housed. "Buddy, I can promise you. There is no galaxy in which Kina would have left because of you. She loves you."

BB-8 gave a low whistle but didn’t respond and Poe rested a hand on the unit. "Whatever happened between me and Kina - it wasn’t your fault." The droid trilled again but Poe got the impression he didn’t believe him.

"Sometimes two people just… can’t make things work," Poe tried again. "It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just not right for them. Not the right time maybe."

"Will you and Friend Kina try some other time?"

Poe barked a short laugh. "You really liked her didn’t you?"

"Friend Kina talked to me like I was people," the droid whistled.

Poe stared down at the droid, watching the lights flicker. "BB-8," he asked hesitantly, "do you feel like you are people?"

"I am BB-8," the droid whistled happily.

Poe smiled, giving the droid an affectionate rub. He was letting the stress get to him. BB-8 was BB-8, that was all he needed to know. He happily went out with Poe on missions - had saved his ass more times than Poe could count. BB-8 was Poe’s buddy. His co-pilot. His partner in crime. That was all that really mattered.

Wasn’t it?

=

Chpt 18

[lesserfandomappreciation]

Hello hello!  Thank you that’s really kind of you!!! I love your writing (congrats on Chap 9, it was awesome)!

Personally I am terrible at flirting or even understanding how it works, so I did my best with this. Hope it comes across as good!

This wound up longer than expected, whoops! Flirting with Self-conscious s/o ( Red Shoes and the 7 Dwarfs )

Arthur

Charm out the wazoo. Arthur’s boisterous personality combined with his a princely upbringing and deeply instilled ideas on what a knight should be have created an inherent need to be charming when he’s interested in someone. It can range from surprisingly smooth to over-the-top. He’s pretty good at coming up with them on the go too, responding to what may be an innocuous question with a decent line.

His lines come in three main forms. 

Traditional knight/ye olde romantic keeping ideas of courtly wooing.

“May I join you, milady/milord?”

“Should you feel fear let me know. It’s a warrior’s duty to protect that which he treasures.”

Painfully, genuinely sweet lines that work only because he’s showing his real self and is not being over-the-top.

“Could I... hold your hand?”

Boasting: AKA showing off his muscles and hyping himself up (desperate moves he thankfully only rarely uses now thanks to his experience with Snow White)

The issue with all of these is that they come across as a bit fake or showy, as this type of flirting really isn’t for everyone. So a line missing when flirting with his self-conscious s/o is something he sort of expected. He doesn’t think it’s because they’re self-conscious, Arthur just thinks he messed up.

The way the self-consciousness manifests itself is going to change the way he reacts. For example, if they withdraw a lot, he’s going to think he really goofed it and is going to apologize, asking for clarification on what he did wrong so that he doesn’t do it again. That’s a very different reaction than if s/o were to bluntly tell him they didn’t believe him, leaving him dumbfounded.

The first reaction aside, Arthur would want to let them know he genuinely meant it, but his own lack of experience would really get in the way of that. How does he go about this? Him being him though, he would confront them directly about it and in that moment let his inner sweetheart shine as he makes it clear that he meant what he said. 

If they want to explain why they feel that way about themselves, great he’ll listen, but even if they don’t he asks them to not speak about themselves that way. They’re too wonderful to be hateful towards themselves.

After that the prince makes it a point to compliment them every single day. It’s not even always flirting, it’s straight up compliments. Their smarts, their passions, their looks, their hands, their eyes - everything is free game, and he’s not going to stop giving sincere compliments until they get it through their heads he likes them for them for a reason, and they should too. 

Pino

Stating facts about them counts as flirting, right? Cards on the table I don’t think Pino is really capable of flirting well, at least not on purpose. Yes, he’s mature and the eldest but that doesn’t necessarily equip him for the terrifying world that is interpersonal relationships outside of family. To even try to flirt takes a massive amount of pondering before he lets out a single word

His flirting, thus, is not so much flirting as it is:

A) stating things he likes about them/ Sort of.

“You are very smart. And strong. Strong and smart. Smrong.”

“You are a good size.”

B) complimenting them about something they did.

“Good job.”

“’You did good with that.” 

C) Giving up and just staring silently trying to think of something to say. Anything. Come on brain you helped build a selfie machine surely stringing words together isn’t that hard.

That one video of Lin-Manuel Miranda chanting “Come on brain, think of things.”

D) Any of the above, only his brothers are there to be the world’s best worst okayest wingmen.

The thing is, is that with this style of flirting barely comes across as flirting. S/o or not, it is going to be very difficult for anyone to pick up on any of this as intentional romantic interest rather than Pino being... Pino. Most people would maybe register this as awkward platonic compliments, if even that. His insecure s/o’s self-consciousness may not kick in for a while until they figure out that this is Pino desperately trying to show intentions.

Someone give this man cue cards he’s hurting.

Actually no don’t do that his brothers might get ideas. 

Despite this terrible inability to communicate romantic feelings, Pino does have one thing going for him. A stupid amount of emotional knowledge courtesy of keeping an eye on his brothers. Pino’s not dumb. When it comes to the people he really cares about he can get a good read on them. His s/o is no different. 

Upon realizing that s/o, the same s/o he has been pining after for weeks of awkward semi-flirting, has self-conscious issues, Pino is baffled. Bamboozled. Confusioned. Setting his own feelings to the side, the eldest brother works up the nerve to tell them full throttle that they are awesome. He doesn’t know what they have been through, nor where the feelings come from, but he will not let this stand. He is a little curt and blunt, but the intent is there.

If his s/o says 1 tiny negative thing about themselves, he’s armed with something they cannot deny. Facts. Pino has been debating his brothers for years, he will make charts if he has to.

Noki

Constant non-stopping stream of compliments. Noki is what happens when a fidget spinner is outfitted with an energy-drink powered engine. Pino, Hans and Jack can only somewhat keep him from vibrating into another dimension, and that’s with their powers combined. When he has someone in his sights, that energy is re-focused on making his s/o feel like royalty. 

Flirting is, if nothing else, absolutely amazing to witness in just how it is:

One constant stream of consciousness that results in compliment after compliment.

“That’s amazing, you’re amazing, that hat really suits you-”

“Your hair looks really nice today, though it usually looks nice every day-”

Painfully, unapologetically, sincerely sweet, gen-u-ine statements that could give anyone a bad case of sugar rush. 

“Why wouldn’t I want to be here? I really like spending time with you, you’re a really fun person.”

“When you smile your noise gets all crinkly and it’s super cute, you’re like a kitten!”

Cheesy, horrible one-liners that were bad in high school then and are bad in current times now. 

“Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.” 

^^^^ That’s as much as I’m writing on that, this stuff is painful.

The painful part in all of this is that Noki, being Noki, is going to have no flippin’ clue that his s/o is feeling about this until he starts paying very close attention to their reactions. Are they turning away from him because they are hiding a blush, or because they are hiding tears? Are they blushing and incoherent because he’s just that good, or because they have no idea how to respond, this is a new experience to them, someone please show them mercy and send help. 

“Wait, you don’t believe me??? Why?!” Noki is not going to hide his bewilderment at all. This whole time he’s been flirting with them and they thought he was kidding??? He thought he was bad at this, not that they were going through some insecurities he may be encountering for the first time. He is going to sit down next to them, and s/o has about two seconds to decide whether or not they’re going to talk about it, because otherwise he is.

“You are amazing though! Everyone knows it! Snow White, Merlin, Sword-head, Hans, Jack, my brothers- we all know it! Do you think I could invent something that can possibly help this? You should have to go through life thinking badly of yourself when the world is a brighter place because of you! I-” 

TBH I do not have room for the whole rant here, but essentially this would likely wind up with him confessing because this is painfully obvious. 

By the end of this, he plans to make them blushy every single day until they see the them he sees, and beyond that too!

Kio

Shy sweetness that will punch you in the stomach when you least expect it. Oh you thought because he’s shyer and quieter than his brothers (and the entirety of the F7) that he isn’t capable of delivering some one-hit KOs using nothing but his words? You thought?! Pino is awkward but mature, Noki is a ball of constant validation, but Kio will use his reputation for shyness as an excuse to flirt out of the blue and then move on like nothing happened. 

Personal touch may be awkward for him but verbally making his s/o a goober just like him is his secret to being confident with his words. His s/o is in for it. 

Kio is a sneaky bastard who has the least range of flirtation (only 2 types really) but boy oh boy are they wildly different. 

The supreme sweetness that Noki (most of the boys if we’re being honest) take notes on when they want to be sweet to their loved ones.

“That’s a new bracelet isn’t it? It’s really suits you, you make it look good.”

“All your expressions are lovely but when you smile, the whole world seems brighter.”

The, ah, spicy stuff that none of the F7 besides Pino know that he is capable of uttering. Pino has no proof and is going crazy trying to prove to the group that the youngest brother can be downright heated with his flirting. 

“I could see you anywhere and be happy. Outside. Inside. In a house. In the bed. Especially the last one.”

“Your eyes are not the only part of you I could get lost in.”

Kio does not have the problem of not being clear in flirting. He’s not subtle. At all. As you’ve seen in some of the examples. The problem is that it can be a lot for a person to process, especially one that has self-consciousness issues. It really is out of the blue, which can throw the other person off when they’re not expecting it. Which is always. 

Thankfully, he is the happy middle between Noki and Pino’s ability to sense that something is wrong. It does take him a bit to pick up on it, but eventually he puts two and two together to realize s/o really is reacting oddly. Not in that they’re shy, but that there’s an underlying issue. It does take him a while to talk about it though because he has no clue how to approach it. It’s not a subject he’s good at tackling. 

The thought his s/o is going through this solo though does get him to gently pull them aside and ask them about it. He wants to know if it’s him overstepping into a very uncomfortable territory, if it’s specific things that trigger a certain response or if it’s something else entirely. Kio is a good listener, and mentally remembers a lot of notes for the next time he wants to compliment them. 

Very much makes it a point to let them know that hey, he likes them for them, and that yes, he is going to continue to give specific compliments their way because he adores them and they are worth it. 

[blazerina]

Connected - Harper/Ethan/Allie (MC) - Open Heart

Connected – Harper/Ethan/Allie (MC) – Open Heart

Word Count: 2612

A/N: This story is based on this amazing song A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant to Be – sent to me and requested by @unusualvisionsblog​ – thank you so much for the inspiration to finish this story. It took me a while but I’m really proud of how it all ended up.

Tagging my two fandom BFF’s @justanotherrookie​ and @parkerattano​ because they never fail to encourage and motivate me. Thankful for you ladies!

Lyrics to the song are below – I encourage you to listen while reading. It really sets the tone!

A Soulmate Who Wasn’t Meant to Be

I never should have called

‘Cause I knew you’d leave me

But I didn’t think

You could do it

So easily

I never should have held your hand

On that cold rainy night

‘Cause further along

It would cause another fight

 Stranger

That’s all I see

When I look into your eyes

A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

 Stranger

Who knows all my secrets

Can pull me apart and break my heart

A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

 I never should have kissed

Kissed your hand

I’m under your control

I will never understand

 I never should have said

I love you

Never said it back

So why do I still care for you?

 Stranger

That’s all I see

When I look into your eyes

A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

 Stranger

Who knows all my secrets

Can pull me apart and break my heart

A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

 Wish I could go back to the day we met and leave you be

Sit and look pretty

 Never should have called

Never should have held

Never should have kissed

Never should have said…

 Stranger

That’s all I see

When I look into your eyes

A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

 Stranger

Who knows all my secrets

Can pull me apart and break my heart

A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

--

--

Harper rolled over and pulled her phone off the nightstand to check the time.  She had been awake for a while but could tell by the faint light coming in through her window, that it was getting close to the time she needed to get up.

She sighed heavily as she realized her phone confirmed her assumption. Harper blinked a few times to ensure she was fully awake, already annoyed with the day.  She rolled over onto her other side and gently nudged her sleeping companion.

“Sam…Sam, wake up. It’s time for you to go. I have to get ready for work.”

The man next to her was clearly in no hurry to get out of bed.  He faced Harper with his eyes still closed, reaching out for her.

“Baby, we don’t need to be in a rush…” Clearly, he thought he was smooth. And clearly, he didn’t know who he was dealing with.

“I will not ask you again to get out of my bed.” Harper declared. “I told you last night this was a one-time thing.”

She slithered out of the bed, keeping one sheet wrapped around her naked body. Making her way to her bathroom, she called out to him, “I expect you to be gone by the time my shower is done.  You can see yourself out. Don’t leave anything behind because I’m not calling you back.”

The bathroom door forcefully closed behind her and Harper turned on the water.  Pushing herself over the sink, looking more closely at her reflection, she studied herself, looking into her own eyes.

She never meant to become the kind of person who had a string of one-night stands.  It wasn’t a part of her life she was especially proud of, but it served its purpose.  She was too old to be asking herself who she was, or to be trying to find her identity. Those years were safely behind her.  She owed it to herself to make up her own mind. She earned the freedom to stand by her own decisions without regret. The past was the past.

Part of her was relieved that she no longer had to share this portion of her life with the hospital. For far too long everyone from fellow doctors and administrators to volunteers and janitors, knew all about her every move. She was used to living in a fishbowl, but she was definitely over it. It wasn’t enough that she was proving herself to be a well-known and reputable medical professional, or that she was running one of the state’s largest and most prominent hospitals. Everyone needed to know about her personal life. She lost count of how many times people told her they couldn’t trust her if they didn’t know what she was “really like outside of this place.”

Ask anyone at Edenbrook about Harper Emery and you get a wide range of responses. Most people know her as a fine administrator and capable surgeon. Others are notoriously opposed to the way she performed as Chief and are thankful she’s been replaced by Naveen.  Across the country she’s known for her expertise in surgery and her swift, decisive actions that have saved countless lives. A majority of medical staff see her as fair but firm, with high expectations and standards, not only for herself but everyone she works with.

Of all the things people have said about her, and the gossip she’s heard behind her back for years, there’s always one statement that sticks in her mind the most and haunts her every day. She can see it in their eyes when they find out; especially the interns when they’re finally told.

She walks down the halls and all goes silent except for the clacking of her heels on the cold stone floor. A small smirk appears on her face as people try to busy themselves with work before she asks them what they’re doing.

Despite all her achievements and the work she is proud of accomplishing, she’s come to terms with the fact that she’ll be remembered for one thing as she brushes past a group and someone inevitably whispers:

There goes Dr. Harper Emery. Former Chief of Medicine and former girlfriend of Dr. Ethan Ramsey. That’s all you really need to know.

--

Allie sat in the cafeteria staring dejectedly into her bowl of soup, absentmindedly stirring it every few seconds. Her head was propped up on her hand with her elbow on the table. Her long red hair was in a pile on top of her head. Her eyes tired. Her feet aching. Her mind elsewhere.

Lately she had been thinking about Ethan. That was nothing new. She hated how their situation was at present. He clearly wanted to be with her, practically reached out to her on numerous occasions, but something was stopping him.  She heard time and time again that it was because of his care for her. That he wanted her to be the best doctor possible and he couldn’t do that and provide for her professionally if they were more than just colleagues. She rolled her eyes with disdain remembering how and when he said that word.

Professional.

It made her retch for a moment.  She had already been working for about eight-hours of her twelve-hour shift and she wondered how she’d make it the next four.  Allie turned her attention out the widow that overlooked a peaceful courtyard where patients or staff could go for a moment of quiet during the day.

She knew that her outlook on her relationship with Ethan had changed drastically over the past few weeks. At first, she thought she’d be able to handle it.  Ethan’s decision made sense and she’d stop at nothing to make sure she could be the best doctor possible, but lately she’d been struggling.  And right outside that window, sitting on a bench next to a patient in the courtyard, was the very reason why.

Dr. Harper Emery.

Allie didn’t know much about her past relationship with Ethan, only that she had one. And clearly it wasn’t an issue for him to be with her, so why was it such a big deal if she and Ethan wanted to be together instead?

In her head, Allie knew the difference. A subordinate and a supervisor is much different than two colleagues on the same level of the org chart, but her heart…her fickle-overly-emotional-prideful-too-hurt-to-admit-it heart, chanted to her over and over again:

You’re not good enough. You’ll never be her. There’s a real reason he didn’t want you. Do you honestly think you could measure up to that? She’s perfect. What would he ever see in someone like you?

It made it worse that Harper was the consummate professional around Allie. She was polite and welcoming, not warm, but still somehow hospitable. There had been a few times that she pushed back on Allie and challenged her, but nothing over the line.

Of course, it’s easy for her to do that.

The voice in her head reminded her.

She knows she’s got you beat in every category. You’ll never be competition to her.

Allie had even been watching Harper more intently when she worked with Ethan. There were so many little things that she had not noticed before.  A few days ago, as Allie arrived for her shift, she noticed Harper helping him with his tie outside the cafeteria. A soft smile formed at the corners of her mouth as she straitened it for him and looked him in the eye.

“What would I do without you?” Ethan asked, his tone a bit too playful for Allie’s taste.

“Oh, you’d find a way to manage.” Harper responded. “After all, you’re Doctor Ethan Ramsey. You don’t let anyone around here forget it.”

Her composure as polite and calm as ever, Harper turned quickly on her heel and walked away. Allie swore Ethan’s eyes followed her all the way down the hall.

Allie knew that pining away for Ethan and obsessing over his every interaction with Dr. Emery would not serve her well. She needed to focus.  But it was becoming more and more difficult. She was starting to lose confidence in herself and her abilities, which made her need and desire for Ethan all the more great.

He was the one who told her she could do anything.  He was the mentor that taught her everything she knew about being a doctor. He was the one she needed.  The one she was meant to be with forever.

All she had to do was convince him she was worth it.

Inevitably, the seed of doubt sprouted again in that arrogant-unstable-frustratingly-emotional heart of hers.

Who am I kidding? If Ethan couldn’t even make it work with someone as amazingly flawless as Harper Emery, how the hell do I stand a chance?

--

There they were.  The two most prominent women in his life, chatting together in the hallway, right in front of his office.

Ethan told himself this couldn’t be good.  Each woman on their own was difficult enough but seeing the two of them together made his pulse quicken. He felt his throat start to itch and he loosened his tie a bit, feeling a slight sting of anxiety in his stomach as he approached them.

“Dr. Emery.” He nodded. “Dr. Valentine.”

“To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? Please, come in.”

“I told you.” Harper crossed her arms in front of her chest and raised one eyebrow in triumph, nodding towards Allie.

“Told her what?” Ethan asked, confused.

“We aren’t here to see you.” Allie explained.  “We are discussing tomorrow’s surgery for Ms. Hogan. And as we were talk-“

Harper cut Allie off mid-sentence.

“I told Dr. Valentine that we should probably move this conversation elsewhere or finish before you returned, otherwise you’d think our presence at your door had something to do with you.”

“Sorry to inform you that it doesn’t…” Allie looked amused.

“I see.” Ethan responded shortly, his brow wrinkled, slightly irritated.

“You walked right into it, Ramsey.” Harper teased.

“Well played. I bid you all a good afternoon then. Seeing as how I’m not needed, even though you two purposefully stopped right outside my office. Let’s carry on with our work now instead of playing games, shall we?”

Ethan walked into his office and closed the door behind him, letting out a long sigh.  The sight of those two, hearing their voices, the knowing way they mocked him, it was almost too much for him to handle. Harper was always quick to prove him wrong and reveled in any opportunity to do so.

He cursed himself for pursuing anything of substance with either one of them. He hated having regrets, but to see how things has ended up for all of them, he couldn’t help it.  Nothing felt natural anymore – at least not for him. Everything was thought through and carried out with the utmost precision. His actions felt robotic as he made doubly sure not to make either of those women think he still had feelings for them.

Ethan was most careful to watch himself around Allie, as his time with her was the more recent and the most potent. It was challenging, though. He was drawn to her by a indescribable force. It took everything within him to pull himself away from her. In meetings, at the front desk, in the elevator, talking with patients, she always said or did something that made him weak in the knees.  

It was killing him not to be able to see her after work, to spend time with her outside the office, to hear about her life beyond the walls of the hospital but he knew it was the right thing for her. If he had any desire to protect her or keep her safe and not hurt her any more than he already had, this is the way it needed to be.  

Getting mixed up with a guy like him was bad news, just look at what it did to Harper.

Harper had always been the model of decorum; prim and proper, respected by all – but Ethan wasn’t stupid. He knew that now a part of her sterling reputation had been tarnished because of him. He heard the low voices whispering behind her back as she passed by. He was all to familiar now with the light in the interns’ eyes, how they lit up with intrigue when they found out that he and Harper had been…

What had they been? It was never anything real, which he blamed himself for.  They had each other when they needed each other and that was about it.

Nothing substantial. Nothing with roots.  Nothing that would last.

Nothing like…

His pager went off, rousing him from his diatribe of thoughts.  Silently he opened the door and went to follow the page, not even noticing that Harper and Allie were still there, chatting away.

--

It was the end of another unremarkable day at Edenbrook. Harper was headed with her bag in hand towards the elevator doors, but they were closing too quickly.

At the last second, she made the decision to head towards the stairs, when a familiar voice called out:

“Harper. Come on, plenty of room in here.”

That voice would stop her in her tracks anywhere.

“Thank you, Ethan.” She smiled tightly as she entered the elevator with him. He held the doors open until she was settled and then pressed the button to close them.

Such a typical Ethan-move. Harper thought to herself.  

Trying to win me over with his charm and chivalry. Don’t do it Harper, don’t fall for it. Not again. He’s not worth it.

Ethan focused his eyes straight ahead trying not to engage.

Leave her alone. You have to let her go.

--

Allie was ready to leave. The remaining portion of her shift had not passed as quickly as she had hoped. Nervous, yawning, grumpy and ready to soak her throbbing feet, she impatiently waited for the elevator to reach her floor. She could not wait to once again be reunited with her beloved bed.

The monotone bell rang out signaling the elevator’s arrival. She stepped in and surveyed the group of people also in the elevator. Parker from imaging. The really nice man in charge of housekeeping – she could never remember his name… – and Ethan.  

Of course there was Ethan.

And Harper.  

Lovely.

The nameless housekeeping man was first to exit. This ride was now officially long and uncomfortable. She wondered if Ethan and Harper felt the same.

A few floors later, Parker from imaging said a courteous goodnight and left the elevator.

Only four more floors to go.

All that remained was the three of them, each one with their eyes silently fixed on the numbers above the elevator doors.  They illuminated, one by one, giving them hope that this uneasy metal box would deliver them from this situation soon.

Four…

The reputable doctor marred by transgressions with a colleague unable to forgive herself for wanting true love.

Three…

The world-renown diagnostician, somehow able to have so much and yet so little at the same time, feeling remorse for hurting two perfectly fine young women beyond repair.

Two…

An innocent second-year resident, thrown into a world she wasn’t ready for, caught up in confusion about her own feelings and comparing herself to someone she secretly admired and hoped to become.

One…

All three tired of being lonely, disappointed in themselves, and wanting nothing more than true, life-long companionship.

All three connected not by choice but by fate yet going home, once again, all alone.

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

What are your thoughts on the Louie theory that the Azoffs/Sony are deliberately sabotaging Louis' career?

So I’m going to take this step by step. I think those theories are wrong about the Azoffs in pernicious and dangerous way, show almost no understanding of how record labels work, and are pretty dehumanising to Louis.

Big picture - I think that the theories are a way that people make sense of an incongruity between what they want and what’s happened.  It’s easier for a lot of people to imagine that there’s a single actor thwarting what they want to happen - a big bad behind the scences.  Than it is to accept that the world is a messy difficult place, and we only have partial information.  

So I’m going to take each of the pieces in turn to explain why I disagree.

Azoff is a capitalist asshole who is (or rather was) making money out of trying to control the touring industry and gear it towards those who make the most money.  He’s very into fighting people he hates in the industry and does so in quite a public manner.  There’s no need to be confused about who he is or what he does.  

But the idea that they’re trying to sabotage Louis - why?  What’s in it for them?  They’ve got rather a lot on - why would they give a fuck?  There is no evidence for any of the things people say that the Azoffs are doing.   Are the Azoffs doing all sorts of dodgy things that make the music industry and society worse in order to further Harry’s career of course (that’s a good working definition of a music manager anyway).  But why would any of it have anything to do with Louis? Why does Louis matter to the Azoffs?

I think it’s also important to point out that those who make the Azoffs the big bads of their story frequently pass the anti-semitic point of no return (there is a lot I would disagree with about the chart of conspiracy theories from Tik Tok, but I think that’s a really useful concept). The idea that the Azoffs control a large number of media outlets, is pretty much baked into the theory that they’re sabotaging Louis - and it’s an anti-semitic trope that invalidates everything anyone who advances it says.  And it also shows a sort of media illiteracy that makes me despair (the idea that there must always be someone behind stories running and not running - is based on the complete denial of agency of the press - which is just absurd).

Onto Sony - as I understand it the theory is something like ‘Sony is a single entity and its behaviour towards Louis is active sabotage (and there’s an implicit ‘to help Harry’ - which doesn’t eve)

The problem with this theory is that it ignores how shit record labels are.  It tries to paint Louis’ experience with his record label as exceptional and entirely about him as a person and a complicated agenda - rather than understanding that most artists have shit experiences with their record labels.  

Louis’ explicitly said that there was conflict with his label about his sound - that’s easily the most common experience artists have with labels.  In addition, I’m sure there were disagreements with marketing and budget.  He was also at a label that was winding down, and therefore would be very limited in the resources that were available.  There are all sorts of very normal reasons that are part of the music industry for Louis to have had difficulty with his label. On top of that there are lots of players in an artist’s teams and often they can have their own messy and competing motivations. 

The idea that fans can look at Louis’ career and know - with some sort of x-ray vision - exactly what’s going on behind the scenes is absurd.  And the fact that what is revealed is focused on his relationship with Harry, which has always been central to fan preoccupations, as opposed to some guy being an arrogant jerk for reasons that have nothing to do with Louis - show how much this is fan centred storytelling, rather than any understanding of reality.

I also think that this approach dehumanises Louis - and I think it does that in two ways.  First it is predicated on downplaying his career. It requires denying that his music has spoken to and connected with people.  It’s holding up a very narrow definition of success, and ignoring everything else.  (There were people who were calling BTY a flop back in the second half of 2017!).

People who think they knew what was going on have responded to Louis talking about the difficulty of finding his solo sound with this weird denial, because it didn’t fit their narrative.  

More importantly, it requires erasing the trauma that Louis’ has experienced over the last five years.  One of the most telling aspects to me about the stories fans were telling were how little they changed at the end of 2016 and March 2019, when we learned we’d been wrong about everything.  The idea that we didn’t know what trauma he was going through and the difficulties that he faced, but still some fans were absolute right about everything that was going on behind the scenes - is a claim that trauma doesn’t matter.