#the things that annoy me are still outweighed at this point by the things I’m enjoying and my desire to know how plot points are resolved

[deeplyridiculouslyinlove]

I really loved the conversation Egwene and Moiraine have in Book 5 when Egwene tells Moiraine about Siuan being deposed as Amyrlin and stilled. I really resonated with the part where Egwene asks Moiraine how she can be so outwardly cool learning about what happened to Siuan given their long “friendship” and Moiraine basically says that she and Siuan made their choices years ago and they always knew payment would come due one day. I think it helps me contextualize where they both would be mentally in and after 02x07. I’m still devastated for them, but it helps to remember that their headspace is such that they are not only prepared to lose everything they have been working for at literally any time, but honestly *expect* it.

I also had obviously reacted similarly to Lan and Nynaeve to Moiraine swearing to obey Rand because I bristle at any narrative where strong women have to bow to reactive boys, but Moiraine’s perspective in this conversation helps get across just how much it’s not about Rand’s authority but about her knowing the best way to get him to listen to her and being willing to do whatever that takes given the stakes. (And he absolutely has to listen to her about balefire so like, any sacrifice that gets him to do that is a noble one in that context.)

I also loved this conversation because Egwene leaves it feeling like she just talked to Moiraine as an equal. Given that Egwene is one of few characters so far we’ve really watched grow and have an emotional journey (for many of them their character changes are thrust on us through plot, at least so far), her getting to have that dynamic with Moiraine feels really deserved. And it helps me understand how Egwene gets to the point where she could be Amyrlin, and I’m excited about it for her.

I’ve really appreciated Egwene for a while, but especially since we got to the Waste, and I’m excited to go along with her on the rest of her journey. I still think if I had read these books when I was younger and before the show Moiraine would still have been my favorite (I always like the Merlin/Gandalf/Dumbledore character the best), but I’m starting to see how much I think I’d have also resonated with Egwene on the more personal level, and that’s really fun.

[okartichoke]

ace avian. that’s what we’re calling this 🗣️🗣️🗣️

please let me know if you have any thoughts or suggestions or input or anything! i’m happy to bounce ideas around (i'll post DL-6 someday soon i swear)

shoutout to the anon who sent in that ask bc i seriously fell in love with blue jay phoenix. SHOUTOUT TO TAKAHE PHOENIX TOO THO takahe phoenix, you will forever be in my heart and im glad you existed <3333,, (maybe in this au he’s got some loving adoptive takahe parents :3) (YKNOW WHAT YEAH that’s canon now)

but yeah, flight-avoidant jay phoenix still lends itself well to the common-man hardworking underdog vibe i want from him. speaking of flight-avoidant...

Phoenix's relationship with flying:

It's a bit complicated. Basically, Phoenix can fly, but he historically chooses not to. From the lack of any practice, he's an INCREDIBLY weak flier. (That hovering is really all he can manage)

For one, he's still afraid of heights. Can't help that. This fear means he was less inclined to practice flying, which made him a weaker flier. And being a weaker flier, in turn, made his fear of heights worse. And so on, in a loop. With flightless parents too (it's canon now it's canon), there's even less of a reason to learn to fly. At some point, not flying might've even become something he stuck with out of stubbornness lol, knowing Phoenix.

(I will soon be making a couple small world building posts, but) flying isn't necessary to get around in their society. Convenient, sure, but Phoenix realized he could make do without, and so he did. Phoenix, you icon. Slay. 💅💅

i know this probably isn't the popular take with wing AUs??, but Phoenix being flightless (or at least semi-flightless) sounded like a really fun take on the idea to me. His name is irony at its peak. I also look forward to exploring how other characters react to him not flying. The prosecutors are going to have so many cheap insult opportunities.

As I mentioned though, he still uses his wings a LOT, though. He's much more emotive with them than most people. His sarcastic inner-dialogue remarks are also betrayed by his wings lmao

I also imagine bird-folk never really invented bikes (riding would just be annoying with their wings, plus bikes aren't fast/efficient enough to outweigh just flying), so instead, Phoenix gets around on a little wing-powered scooter device (like scootaloo lol) (they're usually made for children who can't fly yet, but Phoenix still uses one)

finally, wow, stellar jay’s are quite literally just phoenix wright as a bird lmao? color scheme, hair, it’s uncanny. give it a pink tie and it just is Phoenix Wright, i used a blue jay since they’ve got a bit more striking wings but wow.

(ty again for the support and for reading my essay ! :3)

one more thing, but @kora-kat YES YES YES this. ^^^^ omg THIS. this is still true even though he's a jay now.

[saerins]

⋆୨ chapter six ୧˚ redefines in every way what love is

⋆୨ if not for you (masterlist) ⋆୨ previous: chapter five - if not for this love of mine <> next: chapter seven - till forever falls apart ୧˚

⋆୨ synopsis ୧˚ neither of you want this. both you and sae reluctantly agree to this marriage, although sae’s dissatisfaction far outweighs your own. with hidden agendas and old flames, will this ever work out between the two of you, or will your forced spark be doomed to fail?

ೀ series: sae x f!reader | wc 13.2k | ೀ content warnings: fluff/angst, modern au, arranged marriage, rich!sae and rich!reader, jealousy/paranoia, third parties, manipulation, mostly from sae’s (& mirin’s) pov | notes: okay i’ve finally finished it !! sorry for the super long break but real life had a chokehold on me (aka my job sucks) </3 anyway ! hope you enjoy sae’s pov , heh he’s so bad at relationships but sorry i love him <3 next chapter should be the last so ^_^

Sae & Mirin; 17.

It was a peculiar feeling.

Up until that point, whatever interest Sae had in life centred around soccer. Around being the best. Needless to say, when his parents weren’t too happy about both their sons not wanting to take over the family business, Sae took the brunt of it all.

His fingers idly traced circles around the injury on his ankle—the injury caused by another player perpetrated by his parents. It was honestly laughable; the extent to which his parents would go to to have him submit to their will.

“Hey, handsome and gloomy.”

There was that voice he loved to hear. It was silly how easy it was for a special someone to make him smile. A warm pair of arms wrapped themselves around his neck from behind, pressing her weight down on top of him.

“Yes, pretty?”

Mirin laughed, that smile lighting up her features. Her lips pressed a kiss against his cheek before she settled beside him.

They were sitting on top of the school building—after lessons, because Mirin had strict parents who would kill her if she ever skipped class.

“Look at you, moping up here all on your own, ignoring your girlfriend,” she mused, body swaying from side to side before her head eventually rested on his shoulder. A sigh left her lips, the graduation looming upon them catching up to her. 

Sae chuckled, pressing a soft kiss onto the top of her head, both of them relishing in the moment. There was an uneasiness that pressed in the air around them, but it was one that Sae chose to ignore. Mirin had a lot of things on her mind that she liked to keep to herself, and this was something that happened very often. It could be because of her overbearing parents, but Sae never minded that.

“Sae, can I ask you something?”

It was a timid tone that he wasn’t used to, but he let it slide.

“Anything.”

“Ten years from now, would you still love me the same?” It was a question that made Sae snort, because he didn’t realise Mirin would talk about the future. She wasn’t one to do so. She nudged him on the arm, laughing along with him because it was hard for her to be all down when she was around him. “Hey, I’m serious, ten years from now, would you still love this annoying, hard headed girlfriend of yours?”

At that time, it wasn’t a hard question. At that time, all Sae could see and care about was Mirin. There was never a doubt in his mind.

So he looked her in the eye, his pinky finger looped around hers.

“Ten years from now, huh? Think I would’ve married you by then.”

Mirin smiled, the most genuine one she ever let loose in her life. Only because at that moment, she felt his sincerity. The only person who treated her with any sort of decency in the way that she needed. In the face of her strict family, with Sae, she had nothing to fear. He was all she needed.

“I’ll hold you to it, Itoshi Sae.”

Sae chuckled, leaning down to kiss Mirin on the lips. ���Whatever you say, Mrs Itoshi.”

A few months ago.

The news was broken to him like he was watching a news program and the news anchor was reporting on some trivial matter.

As always, his father said such a thing oh so casually, eating away at his lamb chop and then swiftly switching the subject to wedding preparations, as if his son was a tool that he could command at will.

“What did you just say?”

Because surely Sae heard him wrongly? Surely his father did not just mention that he was to be married to a stranger he barely knew?

This was his life, wasn’t it?

“I expect you to behave, do you understand?” His father responds, ignoring Sae’s question completely. He knew his son heard him, he said it loud and clear after all. “Anyway, we’ll pay fifty-fifty and—”

“No.”

There was a threat in his father’s glare, but it was one that Sae was way too used to.

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t care why you need this stupid marriage to go through but I’m not doing it.”

It was just laughable; there wasn’t any panic evident in his father’s expression. Sae should’ve known, he could already feel what was coming. If anything, his father was always prepared. It was plans on top of plans, a contingency for every situation.

“Either do this, or I’ll get Rin instead. It’ll be a pain, but don’t think I won’t do it.”

There were a lot of things Sae hated his father for, but what he hated the most was how Rin had to be brought into the conversation as a threat whenever he didn’t get his way. He knew it was the only way to control Sae, and he wasn’t afraid to use it.

“Honey! Stop speaking like that… Sae, please try to understand, this will be a huge opportunity. It’s the least you owe us, hm?”

And Sae didn’t even want to think about his mother. The one who always went along with everything because she was in love with the money she married into. The one who always used faux concern as a tool to ease Sae into his father’s plans.

In the end, neither of them cared for their kids. They were only seen as heirs. Like they owed them for being born. That they were only supposed to unconditionally go along with whatever orders they were given without a second thought. They wanted robots more than actual children, it seemed.

“You lost your shot, do you want Rin to lose his too?”

It was almost all too clear who sabotaged Sae’s chance at being a pro footballer. All it took was a single moment of disobedience from Sae and sponsorship of an entire year’s worth of tuition to one of his rivals to get his leg too injured to play in comfort.

As much as it sucked, all three of them knew Sae’s answer. And just like that, his father was victorious.

“Besides, Y/N seems to be excited for this,” his mother said, trying to switch the subject.

“I’m not fucking marrying her. I don’t even know her.” The words flew out of his mouth before he even realised it.

Maybe it had something to do with Mirin. With that rumour he heard going around that she was either already back in Japan or she was coming back soon. Maybe it had to do with the fact that Sae had been waiting for her this whole time, that she was the only one he ever loved.

Of course, none of that would change his parents’ minds. Consuming your family’s company would bring them a ton of uplift that could sustain their business for many years to come, something a money-greedy businessman would go to extreme lengths to get. So it didn’t matter if Mirin’s family could also bring in benefits in terms of cooperation—it would never amount to yours.

And it was wrong. It was wrong of Sae to vent all of his hatred to the fact that you existed, but it was the first thing that came to mind. 

Why did you have to exist?

“Maybe we should just pull Rin out then, get him to come back here and handle all this.” His father knew not to back down.

“Sae, be a good boy and listen to us, okay? How about this—if it ever gets too bad, we’ll look into a divorce in the future, hm?” His mother was just useless, but she did at least consider how he could get out of it. Even if it would prove to be difficult in the future.

Giving up entirely, Sae walked out of the front door. There was no way out of it, for now. Not without consequences. Dire ones. For Rin.

Pulling out Oliver’s contact, Sae hit the call button, with Oliver picking up right as he got into a cab.

“Meet you guys at our usual. I need a fucking drink.”

Day of the wedding.

To say that Sae had cold feet would be an understatement.

His marriage to you would be within the next few hours. After what, a couple months of informing him that they’d arranged him to marry the daughter of their close university friends? And they left a very not-so-subtle hint that they’d force Rin back to marry her if Sae didn’t comply.

Sae realised that your family’s company rivals his own, but who would’ve thought that their sudden yield to the Itoshis wanting to buy the company would result in so much shit being passed onto Sae himself?

There were options presented to him to meet you beforehand. All of which you had agreed to (or so his parents said) and all of which he had declined. He really didn’t have the intention of playing nice with you, or acting like he cared about you. To Sae, all you were was someone standing in between the possibility of him and Mirin.

But he did see you as you walked to the venue all on your own. Without a car or your parents, dressed in a loose white sleeveless top and jeans, buying a pack of tissues from the old man across the road, giving him entirely too much money for a three-pack and then refusing the change.

Teal eyes continued observing you as the old man bowed in gratitude, and your demeanour suggested that it probably wasn’t the first time you were giving money out like charity. Sae noticed the pair of half moon crescents as you smiled, the way it lit up your entire face.

If he thought hard enough, maybe he could remember that one time you saw each other when you were kids. Just that once. He was five. You were four. He vaguely remembered you excitedly chattering away to him about something. Sae doubted you remembered any of that though. It was only once and even he didn’t recall anything about it until today.

Tearing his eyes away from you, he walked away from the ledge of the window at his dressing room, sitting on the edge of the bed, idly staring at his phone, at the messages blowing it up, mostly of Oliver and Otoya in the groupchat, saying how Mirin was actually back.

If there was one thing his friends were good at, it was detective work that they didn’t need to do. Because by now, Sae didn’t want to know.

As much as he hated his circumstances, as much as he didn’t like this situation, he was going to be a married man soon. As much as he didn’t want to, he would rather forget about Mirin sooner than later. It would only serve more hurt if he chose the latter anyway.

Still, false hope wasn’t what he wanted to give you. There was nothing that he could think of that would persuade him to love anyone else but her. That was exactly why he found himself outside your dressing room, waiting to speak to you.

Your sister was with you, and Sae kept his thoughts to himself; he remembered your earlier smile. You were the prettier one in his eyes. That didn’t change what he had to do regardless. And both of you are similar in a frustrating way—both of you like to mask your troubles with your smiles.

Maybe you didn’t want this either, then?

“Hi, um, it’s nice to meet you.”

You sounded like the most awkward person in the world. Not that it mattered. Maybe the awkward distance between the two of you would work in his favour then.

“I wanted to set things straight before we go through with anything.”

Your expression wasn’t one of happiness to begin with, but the moment he said his piece, your face looked like all the blood drained from it. Sae averted his gaze. He didn’t like hurting anyone, and surely he didn’t care for you just yet, but this was better than giving you any sort of hope.

He needed to keep it up. Even after today. Tonight, tomorrow and everyday. Until he could see that you understand where this marriage would go; absolutely nowhere, but that both of you had to stay anyway.

But your parents had impeccable timing, coming over to the room right as he was exiting. That just meant he had to entertain your family for a few more seconds, nothing too difficult. He had been dealing with his father for his whole life after all.

“So, this is the first time you’re meeting our Y/N right? What do you think, son?” Your father sounded like his father when he was trying to play nice. Suddenly it made sense that they would be in cahoots to force their kids together.

“Your daughter is…” Sae lost himself in thought for a while, thinking back to that smile he saw on you, that genuine smile when you were helping someone. Not this fake one you have plastered on to make it seem like everything was okay. You had no obligation to cover for his actions but you did it anyway. “Pretty.”

And even prettier when she’s actually smiling, he thought to himself as he retreated back to his own dressing room.

Later on during the wedding reception, Sae tried his best to act the part of a happy husband. It was hard though, considering how stiff and awkward you were. You really didn’t have talent for being an actress. He let slip a few harsh reminders, but he was careful not to get too into it—last thing he needed was for you to cry.

You were nothing to him. Nothing but the one he had to marry to get his parents off him and his brother’s back.

So why did he feel a tinge of something when he caught your best friend staring? Mikage Reo, not a bad catch himself, and he had been your best friend since elementary school, if Sae recalled correctly.

That was all he could think about when he stormed back to the dressing room, wantonly irritated by his father and mildly annoyed by your concern. The only reason he could think of for being angry was the lingering feelings of an unresolved first love.

The only one he thought he would marry, would watch as she walked down the aisle like a princess out of a fairytale. The only one who taught him love and gave him the most treasured memories of his youth. The only one who could, at this moment, receive his kindness while everyone else would be dead in his eyes.

And of course the universe would perpetuate such a connection; his phone buzzed with notifications from Mirin. An almost empty thread opened up, and he was reminded of when he tried to forget her when she dated another guy while she was overseas. But how could he really forget her when she came back and told him she couldn’t forget about him either? That if it wasn’t too much, if he could wait for her to come back?

Sae won’t deny that there was a mix of emotions about it, that Karasu had told him many times before he thought she was just leading him on, that she wanted a comfortable failsafe for when she inevitably came back and didn’t want to be alone.

That was the key reason why they drifted.

And now, she came back. She came back and she didn’t get her invite because Sae threw it in the trash because even if he didn’t know you, it was common sense that he couldn’t invite Mirin—not when she was the only person capable of changing his mind. Not when he knew she wouldn’t be afraid to voice herself.

Sae didn’t particularly like you, but he wasn’t going to deliberately hurt you that way. He was sure he would upset you in many other ways, unintentionally, but he told himself he wouldn’t do that to you.

As he looked at her chat thread, at his possible responses—how could i ever forget? and i wish it was you and many more he didn’t have the energy to type out—Sae swallowed the lump in his throat. There was a battle going on in his head; the one that knew what was right and the one that wanted to go with his heart.

He succumbed to both.

Staring at his i miss you, he started to remember how hard you tried to keep up with him earlier that day, how you probably tried to stay at his good side.

With his head in his hands, he felt the familiar flow of tears threatening to unveil—it was a hard decision but he had to make it.

That was it. Sae had decided. He had to let go of Mirin and whatever promises they made.

She had to stay in the past.

As he looked at her nickname on his phone, he wished he could will the memories away. Even as he saw her response. Even as he knew the way she told him she missed him too would haunt him for a good while.

Goodbye.

Stepping into the house you two would share felt more than just a little uneasy. Both of you had never been in the same room before today and now your parents expected the both of you to just be okay living together.

Maybe it was a little too much of Sae to just take the master bedroom and banish you to the other one, but it had been a long day and he really wasn’t a saint. He had expected you to argue back but you didn’t, and that was fine with him—maybe once he cleared his head he could think of ways to make it so things were fairer to you but not now.

Not when he was a mix of emotions just threatening to explode.

It was especially perplexing when he got into the room and started checking it out that he found his things already there, unpacked for him, a familiar black box he had once kept precious sitting on the study desk. He didn’t have to open it to know what was inside.

Apart from pictures with Rin, he really should just burn everything else.

Next time. It was always a problem for next time because he was way too annoyed at life for everything else. Looking at it was just a reminder, too, of a life he had once craved and he couldn’t move forward if it was still there.

Yeah, yeah, he’d burn it all to ashes next time and leave it all in the past like he planned.

The next few days after that, count Sae mildly surprised when you kept trying in subtle ways to ease the tension between the two of you.

There were a few things you did; you kept at your good mornings, and on the days you were feeling particularly courageous you bothered to ask him what he wanted for dinner. He didn’t reciprocate much, only contributed his mornings and told you he didn’t need dinner (although he would note how delicious the food you cooked smelled when he came home afterwards).

There was something strange about the way you made him feel—he didn’t understand where you got the energy to keep trying when you knew this wasn’t what either of you wanted. It was easy enough for him to tell that your parents forced you into this too, but what wasn’t easy was trying to see why you were so good.

What was even more frustrating was the sense of comfort he felt. It was alarming. He didn’t know why it was there. But he found himself trying to reject it.

“Isn’t this supposed to be your honeymoon period or something?”

“C’mon, Oliver, they don’t even sleep in the same room,” Otoya sighed, getting bored of the subject. He was also getting tired of watching Sae’s unenthused face every night.

Ever since he got married, he hasn’t once spent a normal night in. He just didn’t think he had any energy to spend on trying to be cordial with you. Not when a million things are still running through his head in a loop.

It was only 8.30pm, and both Oliver and Otoya were already bringing the big liquor bottles out, the lights in the karaoke room dimming.

“Where’s Karasu?”

“Busy again, with god knows what.” Otoya always sounded disinterested in anything and everything. “Where’s the girls?”

The girls, meaning the usual two that they had as fuck buddies, something Sae didn’t care for. That could be all Otoya cared for, actually.

“On the way,” Oliver replied, pouring the whisky into the shot glasses on the table. Three, even though Sae didn’t want any. “By the way,” Oliver said, a hint of mischief in his eyes as he turned to look at Sae. “I have a special guest for you.”

“What?” Sae was entirely too tired to have time to play another one of Oliver’s mind games.

Oliver was already downing a shot for no reason, and Sae chalked it up to being under the constant pressure of being a big shot lawyer’s son.

“That’s who I asked Karasu to get before coming here,” Oliver grinned, sliding a shot glass over to Sae.

Sae ignored it. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Come on, don’t play dumb,” Oliver groaned, throwing his head back against the leather seats dramatically. “Mirin? The name ring a bell?”

It did more than ring a bell, actually. It made Sae’s heart stop, made him speechless. Made Otoya snicker at his reaction.

“Thought I’d offer some incentive to cheer you up from that boring loveless marriage of yours,” Oliver commented, tossing a pack of cigarettes onto the table and lighting one up.

If Sae was being completely honest, he did want to see Mirin. He hadn’t seen her for so many years, he found a passing thought that wondered if she was still as pretty as he remembered, if she still scrunched her nose in that cute way she did and if she still used the same perfume that he liked.

But for some reason, Sae kept thinking back to you. What would you think if you found out? Somehow, he realised maybe that fact alone could make you cry. And somehow, for some abstract reason he couldn’t make out, he wasn’t okay with that.

In the background, he could faintly make out the conversation between Otoya and Oliver, something about how Otoya thought Mirin looked hot from her pictures, and how Oliver encouraged the thought, saying shit like “wait till you see her in real life.”

Normally, he’d feel like punching those who dared to talk about Mirin like that, but at that moment all he felt was nausea. In a weird turn of events, he kind of actually wanted to punch Oliver for taking a subtle dig at you. You were a good person. Even if Sae wasn’t particularly innocent at treating you less than you deserve.

Nausea nausea nausea.

It got even worse when seconds later, Karasu strolled through their door, a smirk on his face aimed at Sae.

“She’s in the restroom freshening up,” Karasu said, winking this time, Oliver whistling in anticipation.

His head was in a mess, wanting to bolt out of there straight away but failing to do so in time because the next minute, Sae watched as his first love walked through the door, looking beautiful as ever.

“Wow, four handsome guys in the room with me, huh?”

She’d gotten flirtier than he remembered. And she wasn’t directly talking to him yet, which was a relief for him.

“Yeah darling, wanna help us take a pic?” Oliver smirked, tossing her his phone.

Sae was just in a daze, looking at the camera as Mirin snapped a picture, her eyes lingering over him through the phone. If he wasn’t married, he was sure he would’ve reacted differently, but as things stood, this was wrong.

The moment Oliver suggested Mirin sit next to Sae for a picture, Sae found himself walking towards the door, muttering an excuse about how he had another appointment and leaving.

“Hey Sae, wait up—”

Mirin’s voice was loud and clear as she chased him out the door but Sae was faster. He was back into his car and driving back home, back to you, before he even made sense of it all.

When he walked through the front door, ready to just pass out on the bed because he had too many surprises earlier, he could smell the homemade cooking—the same one that made him feel nice coming home to. It was more prominent than usual.

Of course it was, because he could see the untouched food as he walked past the dining room. You were there, sitting there, a little pathetic but cute, and Sae didn’t really know what to do.

“Why haven’t you eaten?”

And you seemed a little more determined than usual, although the trembling of your fingers said otherwise. You were that easily scared of him?

“I was waiting for you.”

It was a simple thing, really. A wife waiting for her husband to get home first before eating. But to Sae, it was inexplicable. There was never any instance where he had an easy time going home, especially before this. Going home meant listening to his parents argue over money and having to pretend he didn’t hear it and have to watch them take the same stance as though he didn’t just hear their divide. Home-cooked food had lost its meaning for Sae a long time ago when all he had were private chefs cooking with technique and just that.

Since when did going home mean there would be a warm dinner waiting for him with so much effort put into picking out what he liked? Did you pay attention to his takeout whenever he ordered in?

“I already ate.”

There it was—that denial again that Sae just couldn’t seem to get rid of. Because wouldn’t all marriages dissolve into what his parents had without a strong foundation? They never loved each other, that much Sae could tell. For the longest time, he had thought maybe for once, someone could have a happy family if they actually felt the same about each other and for the longest time that person to him was Mirin.

The same girl he ignored earlier. The same girl he brushed past to get home to you. The same girl who didn’t seem to have as much of a hold over him as he thought after he saw her in the flesh.

Maybe that was why he found himself wanting to try. He had rejected you many times, relegating you to the other end of the house so he didn’t have to see you and feel guilty all the time. It was pathetic of him, yeah, and he was sorry. And call him a coward but he didn’t know how to handle any of this like a normal person would. Normal people probably wouldn’t have to be forced to marry a stranger though.

For once in his life, Sae found himself trying. Trying something he was so averse to in the first place. Trying something that he found so curious because you managed to bring it out of him.

Your efforts didn’t have to be big. It was all so small, so subtle. He saw everything and he tried to reject it—so why is he here now, picking the meat off the bones for you? You seemed so nervous he was afraid you might miss a bone and hurt yourself.

Which made no sense because you didn’t mean anything to him. Right?

So why did he feel the familiar tug on his lips, the smile threatening to form just from a simple dinner, the same way you managed to tug on his heartstrings?

When Sae heard you asking him for a favour, he thought you might’ve been joking. But your demeanour suggested you might not be. It was kind of weird, how you claimed that it was your parents who wanted to check up on the marriage and so you said that you needed Sae to cooperate, but at the same time you looked absolutely gleeful at the thought of having some semblance of normalcy in your married life with him.

He did you a favour by not calling you out for it.

But he couldn’t stop himself from being curious, from wondering what you looked like if he really threw you a bone. That was the driving force behind his close proximity to you, so close he could smell the shampoo off your hair and appreciate the way your breath hitched in your throat.

Cute.

He kept that to himself too, kept entirely way too many opinions of you to himself instead of sharing them with you.

“How are they gonna believe a thing when you’re that awkward around me?”

He gave a mental reminder to himself: maybe he should help you work on that.

But the moment you brought up finances, a bad feeling lurked in the back of his head. Just a gut feeling, if anything. Maybe it was because he was brought up in a similar household that he could tell when other people had bad intentions.

Your parents weren’t exempt from it, he was sure. They treated you like trash, from what he heard earlier, and he couldn’t stop himself from wanting to rid what would make your life harder.

You were his wife, after all.

“You want me to… transfer all my money into this account?”

He got it, it was a tough ask. Especially since Sae had been none too nice to you since you got married, but for this one, he was adamant. So you did. You gave him all your money like he asked and he really needed to teach you not to be so naive around other people but maybe you felt the same pull as he did, the overwhelming urge to trust even though it wasn’t so much rightfully earned yet.

Stupidly, he felt just that little bit of excitement creeping up inside him at the notion of actually getting a possibly normal marriage to a perfectly good person until his phone vibrated and he saw the name he was hoping he would never have to deal with again.

Mirin wanted to meet.

And if she had not texted to say it was urgent, Sae probably would’ve ignored it. But they spent a chunk of their youth together and it was way too much for him to forget all in a few days.

Still, he didn’t want to give in so easily.

As the days passed, it was strange how easy it was to warm up to you. It was as though the friction between you never existed in the first place.

Somehow, it felt like the both of you were learning as you went through with it—a marriage where you both were learning to be friends first, and Sae never actually knew how much he needed that, how much he enjoyed it.

He didn’t think he’d like it one bit.

But there he was, constantly texting you most times because you were the only person he didn’t mind speaking to nowadays. Well, you and Rin. Maybe Oliver, but after his last stunt he didn’t really want to speak to him.

Sae sighed as he texted you that he’d be coming home late. The frames already came through the mail anyway, he suspected you’d have a good time hanging the photos up everywhere. You loved taking pictures that day after all.

“Wife checking up on you?”

Mirin’s question sounded innocent, but it was enough to irk Sae. To him, it sounded invasive.

“What did you need?” Because she didn’t need to know anything about you. Sae didn’t want her to; Mirin was in the past and he wanted to make sure it stayed that way.

This entire meeting was set up only because perhaps Sae thought she didn’t warrant herself a bad reception from him. She didn’t do anything wrong.

And neither was he, so why was he afraid to just be upfront with you and tell you about Mirin?

Seemingly taken aback by his tone, Mirin looked away nervously. This was a weird setting to be in for someone who said they were upset. Sae had expected a quiet cafe or maybe even a park, not a restaurant at a five-star hotel.

Then again, this was Mirin. Someone who had been brought up being able to enjoy everything to its finest.

“I just needed a friend, that’s all.”

A sure-fire way to earn his sympathy was right there in front of him. Sure, they might have drifted for a while, but it wasn’t like Sae thought she was a bad person. She always used to be strong on her own, steadfast, never needed anything or anyone that sometimes Sae felt like he wasn’t even needed.

Yet there she was, tears spilling down her face and trying to smile and suddenly Sae couldn’t continue being so harsh anymore.

A friend was all he was going to be. It was all he would allow himself to be. The entire night, all he could think about was how much he had missed this whole time—a lot had changed the last few years. The happy family he once knew Mirin’s to be was no more, an unfaithful mother took care of that. And apparently, her father had been on a downward spiral ever since. It was why she moved back, to take care of him.

“But sometimes it gets to be too much, you know?” She was sobbing, and Sae could only watch helplessly. It was not something he was familiar with, but he knew Mirin—she wasn’t someone who would share something like this to anyone. The fact she had called him out of the blue would allude to the fact that she didn’t want to tell anyone else.

It was a lot for him to take in; just imagining being in her shoes, having a father who spiralled into nothing and refused to get back to work, having to take care of him while managing her own shit—Sae didn’t know if he would be that filial at all, but then again, his father was a lot less of one than hers was.

“Anyway,” she sniffled, wiping her tears away and trying to smile. “How’s married life? Y/N, is it?”

Sae cleared his throat, realising that he probably had offered no words to Mirin’s predicament. It was a weird thing, talking to your ex about your current wife. It made him feel like he really shouldn’t be here somehow. “Yeah, that’s her, and it’s great.”

He wasn’t even going to bother masking the awkwardness of the subject.

And Mirin wasn’t going to let up.

“Is she… good to you?”

Good was an understatement. Sae thought you were phenomenal. You didn’t harbour any ill intentions toward him even though he deserved it. You didn’t treat him any harsher like he did you. You were an angel among the living and he should have been grovelling for someone like you but instead you’d been served on a silver platter and Sae knew all of that now.

The difference between how he would’ve treated Mirin before and after you appeared was enough proof of what, or who, he really wanted.

“She’s the best,” he answered honestly, and he felt just slightly bad when Mirin’s expression dropped. Something told him that she was expecting something else. That was when Sae felt the need to draw the line. “And I don’t think she would appreciate it if she knew I was out with… you.”

Across the table, Mirin shifted in her seat, visibly uncomfortable with his tone. She recognised it; it was when he was about to break some bad news. It was always directed to someone else but never to her.

“Listen, I’m sorry you’re going through all of this, really I am,” Sae started, averting his gaze because he wasn’t actually good with words—but if he intended for this to be goodbye, then he had to. “But I don’t think it would be a good idea if we met alone anymore.”

On Mirin’s end, she didn’t want to give up. Sae had been the better part of her youth and she didn’t want to give up their entire relationship or friendship or whatever it is to some girl who had been unknown to her until she got back and realised Karasu had been invited to the wedding and not her. That must’ve been you, was it not?

So she had to play this smart. She had to, to keep this thinning line of relation between her and Sae. As long as it was still there, there had to be a shot for her, right?

“No, you’re right, I’d feel bad too, I just… I didn’t have anyone to turn to recently and—”

“It’s fine,” Sae cut in, mainly because he didn’t want to have to hear her voice break anymore. It was clear cut in his head what they couldn’t be, what he didn’t want them to be anymore. Because he wanted that with you, or at least try at it. “I know Karasu’s been busy lately what with owning his first hotel and all but… Oliver’s a pretty good listener once you get to know him more, and Otoya… you know what, just stick with Oliver—he’s a better guy than he seems. And his family’s full of lawyers too so you guys might have a lot in common.”

Mirin could feel her whole world breaking into pieces right in front of her but there was no such thing as defeat in her dictionary. All she had to do was retreat and come back twice as strong, otherwise she might lose Sae for good.

So she nodded, as though she cared for who or what his friends could do for her. Sae was the only one she wanted to be around—that night at the karaoke room was just a failed attempt, that was all.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll take your word for it,” Mirin smiled through her pain, fingers fisting at the hem of her dress. He didn’t even bother to compliment her tonight, or say anything of substance. This was not the Sae she knew, and she wanted to bring him back.

That was why, that night when she got back home (and she was absolutely miserable at how Sae didn’t even offer to drive her back, instead just staying with her until she hailed a cab), she used everything at her family’s disposal to find out more about you. You and your family and Mirin wouldn’t stop until she found out what could possibly make you break.

If there was something Sae would want answers to, it was how he went from having not a single care in the world to give you, to giving you more than he ever even gave himself. He didn’t know if it even seemed that way to you, but it was.

After he got back that night, it was as though you’d constructed a wall between the both of you. Sae could feel you pulling away a little, and he didn’t know why—all he knew was that he didn’t want you to drift. He hadn’t even gotten that close yet, and he wanted to know more about you.

Was it a crime that he couldn’t express himself properly?

It was unfathomable how he was here in the kitchen in the middle of the day, trying to cook dinner for when you got back from meeting Reo. He frowned a little just upon remembering that. Was this jealousy? Only because he was sure by the way Reo was looking at you on your wedding day that there were some hidden feelings there.

On his part, for sure. For you? Sae couldn’t be sure. He could only hope not.

But he wouldn’t discount you from getting a divorce when he saw the mess he ended up making in the kitchen, especially that charcoal-stained wall behind the stove.

Fuck, was he really this bad at anything related to maintaining the household?

Fish was cooked to fuck so he couldn’t serve that anymore. Chicken got burnt on the grill because Sae couldn’t tell when it was done for the life of him. The only thing that was left was the soup and it was still boiling on the stove so at least not all was lost.

At that moment, Sae felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and immediately picked it up, moving himself to the balcony in case you got home early.

“Oliver, find anything out?”

Over the line, Oliver scoffed. “Saw the dad going to the bank, think he went to take whatever was in his safe deposit box. Mother was there too.”

Through the phone, Sae could still tell Oliver was smoking. He still remembered how much smoke would fill his car whenever he rode with him. There was a long pause as Sae tried to gather his thoughts.

“So, Itoshi Sae had a change of heart, huh?” Oliver’s teasing voice rang loud over the line.

Sae rolled his eyes, somewhat regretting asking the guy for a favour.

“What about Mirin? Still ditching her all the time?”

Sae wouldn’t call it ditching. He just… kept rejecting every single time she’d ask him out. Sure, she kept it in line with what he had told her last time, which was to not hang out alone, but Sae didn’t necessarily hang out together in a group either.

“You know, she—”

“Don’t care,” Sae interjected.

“Oh? Really? What if—”

“Don’t wanna hear anything about her, if you don’t mind.” And he was being completely honest. Sure, she kept responding to his stories and he was being nice by giving them a reaction, and sometimes she kept trying to text him although he barely gave any good responses—but that was the extent of their friendship right now, as far as Sae would allow it.

Oliver chuckled through the phone, hands up in surrender even though no one would see it. “Fine, have it your way.”

“Just tell me if you find anything else,” Sae muttered, completely exhausted from having to deal with anything related to Mirin and for once, Oliver was surprised.

“Aye aye, sir,” Oliver murmured sarcastically before hanging up. 

The Sae he knew before you would never be caught dead trying to push Mirin away. Sighing, Oliver drove away, losing sight of your parents from his rearview mirror.

“Just don’t say I didn’t try to warn you, Sae.”

Maybe the tickets his parents gave him to celebrate the honeymoon in Korea was a huge blessing in disguise. From looking at you being excited all through the airport just because everyone had been calling you Mrs Itoshi and Sae had been addressing you as his wife, to actually landing in Incheon airport and watching you hop like a child—he thought maybe your earlier distance was just a phase.

Until, of course, you suggested that you both do solo trips.

To which Sae had been mostly deadpan, but not because he didn’t care—more like he was stumped. This was a honeymoon. For the both of you. Was this you trying to push him away? And if so, what for?

So Sae wasn’t going to let that get in the way. He didn’t outright reject your idea. But he could go along with it. You could go wherever you wanted to go, and Sae would tag along behind you.

He wasn’t going to let you wander around solo when you were supposed to spend time enjoying this foreign place together. And Mirin was especially not going to be able to guilt trip him into entertaining her while he was there by using their old plans against him.

When he tried to be her friend and texted her back with actual words for once, Mirin had somehow steered the entire conversation into dangerous territory; like how Mirin had once told Sae she wanted to visit Korea with him someday and that she asked if it was too much to still want to go.

Of course, he had said Oliver would be more than happy to take her there (to which she had sent a sad face that he happily ignored). Still, it sucked when he was trying to find a balance between being a friend and learning to be a good husband.

So there he was, following you around shamelessly even though he knew you kept looking behind to make sure that he was, in fact, actually following you. Sometimes it was hard to keep his snicker in. You looked half in shock yet half relieved.

It was more enjoyable with you than he thought it would be. He had absolutely zero expectations, especially when he had heard so much about knowing people’s true nature once you go on a trip with them—but you were more than fine.

Sae was starting to silently thank his parents for forcing you together. He got to see your smiles way up close, and it was nice to keep you close to him, and he liked the way you smelled that he memorised your perfume when you went in to that makeup store earlier.

That was why when night came and the both of you got back to the hotel, Sae had been more than a little regretful that he had asked the staff to prepare an extra mattress. Was it bad he wanted to sleep with you?

In the end, he only shook his head and vanquished the question from his head. He didn’t want to risk making you too uncomfortable.

“It’s nothing, goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Sae.”

And he watched as you walked away, wondering if your disappointment was all in his head.

The next few days of the honeymoon went well—until a flurry of notifications popped up while the two of you were playing on his phone; Oliver’s personal important ones mixed with Mirin’s loud ones in the group chat. He didn’t give one shit about the latter, but Oliver’s is what he couldn’t let you see. Not yet, anyway, when it was just based on a hunch.

“Hey Oliver, what is it?” 

“They’re definitely fishy, my guy said they’d been moving money around, no idea where though.”

Sae spent that entire evening theorising with Oliver on what it could be—and by the time he came back in, you’d passed out in your bed, probably exhausted from walking too much that day. Somehow, it felt rewarding to be able to tuck you in, and maybe it was greedy but he kissed you lightly on the forehead before he shut the lights.

Yeah, he’d definitely protect you, no matter what.

But there was something he couldn’t understand somehow, when he thought everything was going fine—why were you distancing yourself again?

The last few days of the trip felt wrong, and especially the last night when he could hear you sniffling through the door. It worried him more than he was when it was Mirin, and if that wasn’t enough proof to himself that you were slowly becoming irreplaceable in his life then he didn’t know what was.

That was why he gave in and called the only person he knew who could help—Reo. No matter how much he didn’t want to admit it, after being your best friend your whole life, he would probably know best. Sustaining his own ego came last to him when it involved you.

“You better not have done something wrong to Y/N or I swear to god—”

“Hello to you too, Reo.”

Reo sighed, and Sae didn’t blame his hostile tone. You probably confided in him for everything and Sae was undoubtedly one of those things.

“So? What is it?” The purple-haired one’s reluctance to speak to Sae showed, and Sae had to swallow every bit of pride down because he had to ask.

Turned out, Reo was more than willing to share. Only because it was for you, he said. And Sae suddenly felt like an ass for feeling a pang of jealousy. Reo knew you in certain emotionally intimate ways that Sae had yet to learn; he knew what you wanted people to do when you were in different moods, he knew how you wanted to be treated.

That was why Sae couldn’t help himself.

“Reo, are you in love with Y/N?” Sae chose your name instead of calling you his wife—there was a part of him that felt possessiveness in this sense would make him sound like more of a douche than he already seemed to be.

“Relax, I’m not gonna steal her from you or anything,” he laughed, although Sae noted he didn’t answer the question. “But… just letting you know, she has a ton of other options.”

After Reo hung up, Sae stared at the open chat thread on his screen. A picture of you and Reo, making it seem like the two of you were kissing, sent to Sae from an anonymous number. More than questionable, and Sae had tiny specks of doubt before now—wasn’t it natural to be sceptical in situations like these? But now he knew it was stupid. It was stupid because if not Reo, then he should know you enough to trust you wouldn’t do such a thing.

Same as Sae.

Maybe there were things you weren’t ready to tell each other, but now you had the rest of your lives to do so. Sae sure as hell wanted to keep you for that long at the least. So that night he found himself promising you that he would stay, because it was the honest truth. He would stick by you no matter what. After all, he fell in love with you before he even knew it.

And maybe one day, he’ll have the guts to say it.

Just when Sae thought he had had enough troubles for a while, what with your parents showing him their true colours (whether you caught on to it or not)—life threw him another curveball. One in the form of his old flame, casually showing up at his doorstep even though he never once told her the address.

“Mirin? What are you doing here?”

And she was wearing that same old face of hers, the sad one, the one that looked like she was just seconds away from breaking. Normally Sae would entertain her like he did that one night, for old times’ sake, but he was beginning to feel bad intentions and this—his ex-girlfriend being in the house you two shared—was definitely something you would object to.

Instead of waiting for an invitation like a normal person, she barged in past Sae, helping herself to a seat by the island, head in her hands.

“I didn’t know where else to go, it’s just been getting worse,” Mirin was sniffling at that point, and Sae knew he was going to feel like a total ass, but he had to do what he had to do. She had mistaken his question as one of concern.

“I actually got an errand to run, so,” Sae lied through his teeth, dressed in a random oversized white tee and black shorts, though that didn’t stop him. He was genuinely sick and frankly, he was growing sick and tired of having to deal with someone who didn’t respect boundaries.

“Huh?”

“I gotta leave in a minute,” he muttered, going into the bedroom to grab a coat and his keys, slipping on his shoes afterwards at the entrance before turning to look up at Mirin. “Do… you wanna stay in here alone?”

Stumped, Mirin took a few seconds to form a proper response. “Um, no no, how about I run that errand with you? Two is better than one, right?” She was still smiling brightly, almost oblivious to Sae’s attitude.

Two was definitely not better than one, especially since all Sae intended to do was to drive around the block and come back when she was gone.

“Nah, it’s a personal matter, and I’m already late,” he said, sauntering out the front door, Mirin barely trailing behind before the door closed. 

Once they were in the lift, Sae caught Mirin sidling up next to him, and he had to exaggerate his coughing just to get her to distance herself. As the icing on top of the cake, he turned on his phone screen just to let her see the wallpaper he put of the both of you back in Korea, that picture where the both of you dressed up in front of the palace. Just to make sure she knew where his head was at.

“Need me to call you a cab home?” He asked, because he would—anything to get her out of here because Sae just didn’t want to give her any space in his life right now.

Of course, Sae knew Mirin well enough to know she was probably seething inside because she came all this way for nothing, but she masked it with a smile. “No it’s fine, I’ll help myself.”

True to her word, she did. Sae watched the cab turn down the other side of the road through his side mirror, and he was relieved more than anything. To think, just months ago he would’ve given anything to have her back in his life.

In the cab, Mirin’s tears weren’t those of upset, but more towards those of contempt. Just what kind of a spell did you have Sae under that he would treat her, the love of his life, so cruelly? To her, you could never be perfect, not for Sae. Because it was her. He told her so, once upon a time. In fact, how dare you get the dream honeymoon with Sae that she always wanted?

And even though she didn’t get much time with him today (because of course he was still acting up), she smiled to herself as she scrolled through her photos. She got what she came for, at least. A few pictures she took, both before and when Sae came out of the room.

Swiftly, Mirin went to her profile and posted a story—anything that seemed suspect enough would be fine. All she needed was a little luck and for the universe to propel you to look at her profile. Creating misunderstandings would just be the building block of you and Sae’s downfall, and then everything else would be easy peasy. Sae wouldn’t even stop her anyway—he unfollowed her a while ago. Whatever.

Yeah, everything would go her way just like it always did. Making Sae pine for her for so long couldn’t possibly be erased by someone such as yourself. Besides, if all else failed, Mirin already found out what she needed to about your family. If all else failed, she’d make sure to take you down.

Was it all in his head?

You seemed a little more inquisitive than usual, and it looked like you were biting your tongue. Did you have something to say that you were afraid to?

“You can tell me anything if you ever need to, okay?” It was more to assure you that nothing you could ask him would ever be too much or too invasive because he honestly didn’t know what it could be—but you didn’t take it.

Was it a sensitive subject?

The entire time you were gone, he spent his time at home ignoring Oliver’s calls and mulling over the decision in his head; the decision to tell you everything that was going on with Mirin. It was getting too much, and he couldn’t tell what was going on in her head anymore—it was like he never knew her.

And… he owed you that, at the very least. You had been nothing but an angel to him, and you’d never been petty or vindictive and you were perfect. Just perfect.

Despite being surrounded by people like Oliver and Otoya who wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about it if they were in his shoes, and being brought up by people who lacked any sort of love for either of their sons, Sae knew that he had to tell you before it was too late. Before Mirin started sinking her claws into you and drove you crazy—being how she was right now, he wouldn’t put it past her to do that. Call it a gut feeling.

If she could just show up wherever she wanted impulsively, plus the amount of information she could get her hands on thanks to her father’s contacts, who knew what else she could do?

But speak of the devil and it shall show up at your door, because minutes later, instead of opening the door to your beautiful face and warm smile, Sae got only a sinister feeling.

“What do you want?”

This time, he didn’t bother hiding his disdain for seeing her anymore. She had been proving time and time again that she was only out for herself, and that was not the person Sae once loved.

She may as well be a stranger now.

Her frown lined her features, the furrow of her brows more defined than ever. Her expression was halfway between disbelief and upset. “Are you really going to treat me this way, Sae?”

“I thought we could still be friends, and that was stupid of me,” Sae said, being openly honest with her for once. “But we can’t.”

With her hand on the door as he tried to close it on her, Mirin was determined to keep it open. She wasn’t about to come all the way here for nothing again. Besides, she’d been posting conspicuously for days—surely now was a good time as ever to drive the wedge deeper between the two of you?

“Why? Because your petty wife won’t let us?”

Sae had never had to force his voice down as much as he had to right now. “Don’t you… ever say anything against her.” He turned on his heels, ready to get his coat and force her out of there until he heard the familiar clack of her heels storming in after him.

“You’re not seriously choosing that second-rate over me?” She spat, fists clenched at her sides, her purse thrown on the floor.

Silence was all he could give her because nothing that would come out of his mouth would be merciful. You were the most innocent of all and yet your name was getting dragged through the mud just because Mirin couldn’t wake up and realise that she was the only reason they drifted in the first place.

“Get out.” Soft. Simple. There was nothing else Sae had to say to her.

Mirin shook her head, adamant on seeing this conversation through to the end. She wasn’t going to leave until she got what she wanted. “You’ve seriously got a screw loose if you’re choosing that cheating whore over me.”

Sae’s head whipped over to glare at her, his self-control coming in extra handy tonight. He narrowed his gaze, the realisation dawning upon him.

“You were the one who sent that picture of her with Reo, weren’t you?” A redundant question; he didn’t need her to answer.

Judging by the triumphant smirk on her face, she didn’t need to say a thing. “Oh, I have a lot more where that came from,” she chuckled, sounding a lot like a villain out of a fairytale. Slowly, she inched closer to him, “come on, if she can have her fun, we can have ours, can’t we?”

Lunging forward, her lips connected with his as she caught him off guard, her arms wrapped around his neck, taking him a few seconds to pry off. Sae wasn’t even spared a second before she tried again, but he swerved this time, and she could only scoff.

“Are you fucking nuts?”

“I’d be careful with how you speak to me if I were you,” she threatened, and Sae was about to offer a rebuttal until she took her purse and shoved some documents in his hand. “This is what you had Oliver investigate, right?”

Sae swallowed the lump in his throat as he looked over them. It wasn’t what he asked of Oliver. This was way more in depth and way more messy than Sae had thought it was. There must’ve been an ongoing investigation that he wasn’t aware of. Either way, how did she—

“It was easy enough to steal it from him,” Mirin mused, straightening up. “It wasn’t his fault, I nicked it while he was asleep.”

Sae didn’t even want to think about the context of that situation. What was even more perplexing was how proud she sounded of it.

Taking a deep breath, he collected himself, making sure to hold onto the documents. Mirin grinned slightly, realising his intentions. “Don’t worry, I made sure to make copies,” she told him, winking.

“What do you want?”

“To talk. About everything. Or else I call for an official investigation into that.”

On one side, Sae felt that everything that had to be said was already said and done. On the other, Mirin wanted so desperately to hold onto the only thing she had been sure of at one point in her life that nothing was going to stop her.

It wasn’t like he had a choice—there was no way he was going to let her storm through your life like that. If there was a chance he could talk some sense into her, he had to try.

“Fine, give me a minute.”

Retreating to the bathroom to wash his face and get her damned lipstick stain off—something he no doubt would have to tell you about later because this has blown way out of proportion—he was almost done until he heard Mirin introducing herself and his heart sank.

Fuck, were you back already?

It wasn’t hard to tell you were completely taken aback by Mirin’s presence in the house. And if Sae had his way, he would tell you everything right here and right now but with the knowledge she held over your family, he wasn’t sure it was a wise idea to tip her over the edge right now. Her threat still loomed over him. 

Sae hated how she could take advantage of the situation and just make it seem even more suspicious—just how long had she been at this? He really should’ve just warned you about Mirin a long time ago.

“Do you trust me?”

“I don’t know, Sae. Can I?” For the first time, there was nothing but crisp coldness in your voice.

It stays with him even after he leaves, even when he follows Mirin to the bridge overlooking the waterfront. He’s decided; after tonight, there will not be any ties between him or Mirin, not after he actually witnessed how toxic she could get.

“This is far enough,” Sae tells her, stopping himself right before the row of shophouses that line the underside of the bridge. “What do you want from me?”

Mirin chuckles helplessly, caught between knowing everything she’s doing is futile and wanting to try anyway. “Are you kidding me, Sae?” The tears are already streaming down her face, and Sae is mostly just in awe of how quick she can go from menacing to heartbroken. “What do you think?”

He’s more than aware that there are a lot of unresolved things between the two of them—but that doesn’t change the fact that what Mirin wants, he can’t provide her with anymore. His silence is indicative enough that she can’t get her way no matter what she does. But in the face of someone she’s wanted her whole life, in the face of the only person she’s ever truly been genuine with in this lifetime, she finds that she can’t just accept that.

“You can’t tell me that I mean nothing to you,” Mirin murmurs, and it’s so quiet that Sae wonders if he was even meant to hear it.

On a normal day, Sae would feel sorry for her. They used to be a pair of lovebirds who planned out nearly their whole life together a long time ago. But she lost that right, she lost his sympathy the moment she started being exactly like her mother and trying to tamper with your life.

But maybe his hostility wasn’t a good way to deal with her, looking at all the backlash she’s caused, so Sae tries a different approach this time, even if he’s not particularly in the mood to be nice to her after all the trouble she’s caused.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” It’s partly true. Even if he didn’t do anything in particular, he imagines it must’ve been a shock to her when she came back to Japan and the guy who had claimed to want to wait for her had suddenly been married off. (But he wasn’t sorry for throwing her invitation away—to a certain extent, he felt that you didn’t deserve your future husband having such a distraction in the crowd. At the time.)

“Sae, I know you still love me, I know we can work this out, okay? Just give it a shot. Leave her and we can—”

“I can’t do that,” Sae cuts in, sighing because this is the few times in his life that his inability to express himself has led to inconveniences of this magnitude.

“Why? Whatever she or your parents have on you I’ll—”

“No, Mirin, I can’t because I love her,” Sae says, looking Mirin in the eyes and breaking her heart all over again. But he’d do anything for you, and right now all he wants is to go back to you. He wants to be with you and hear your cute laugh and tease you because you’re all he can ever think about nowadays. “I’m sorry but… I love my wife, and I’m not going to leave her, or let anything happen to her.”

Maybe it’s the absolute vulnerability that she can hear in his voice that makes her believe it. Sae doesn’t say things like that so easily, and maybe it’s the way she can see his eyes tearing up that she can tell it’s genuine no matter how much she doesn’t want it to be. He’s worried and in love and feeling overwhelmed. But Mirin’s not in the right state of mind and she fights back instead of admitting defeat.

“What about promising you’d wait for me, huh? What happened to that?”

By now, Mirin’s airing all her grievances, and Sae understands that enough to let it slide.

“I did, but we grew apart, didn’t we? You dated other guys, refused to try with me while I was still…” He avoids saying it.

“All the things we said we’d do together once we could finally have time to ourselves! Travelling, raising pets, picking out a house and going furniture shopping together, building a family because ours sucked,” she’s sobbing and Sae has to ignore the stares they’re getting from the few people that pass by.

“I still want that—”

“Then why—”

“With my wife.” He emphasises on this, and he’ll repeat it as many times as he needs to. “With Y/N. Her, and no one else.”

It’s his absolute indifference towards Mirin that jars her, because in this world, he was the only one she could count on, and now even that was gone. And right now, all she feels is hatred for you, for the one who stole him from right under her nose.

“Even if I tell you I’ll raze her whole family to the ground?” Mirin threatens with a scowl, igniting the combativeness inside of him.

Sae scoffs, shaking his head in disappointment. Nothing is going to get through to her. Not like this. He stuffs his hands in his pocket, “you can try, but I’ll be right there defending her with everything I got.”

Those teal eyes that used to look at her softly than they had anything else, his soft locks that she could once twirl her fingers through—they now belonged to you. They belong to you and they’re slipping away from her as Sae deigns to say any sort of goodbye, instead just walking off in silence as he tries to get back to you.

Ignoring Mirin’s cries of his name and the threats she’s hurling, he tries to call your phone but you’re not picking up—and that’s enough to make him run.

You’re not in the apartment, and some of your things are gone and since when did he even start to take notice of small little things like your favourite face towel that hangs on the side of the sink or your trusty furry headband that you liked to use hung beside the mirror? Those small little things are missing and for once, Sae’s afraid.

“Come on, pick up pick up,” Sae mutters under his breath as he drives around the neighbourhood, hoping he’d catch you somewhere. He ignores the string of calls he gets from Karasu, only to call him back when he gets a text: oi, pick up, idiot. your wife just booked a room here, you guys ok?

Thank god for coincidences like this or else Sae would’ve spent the entire time you were away wallowing in agony (silently).

It’s easy enough to find you after that, his feet running the most it has in a while—his ankles hurt and his knees feel weak, especially where they’re injured, but you’re worth every injury he has to make. And his heart does somersaults when he finally lays eyes on you, but then it plummets to the ground when he hears the word divorce.

Minutes later you’re running away from him, and he chases after you again—he’ll chase you however long he has to because this is all one big misunderstanding and he has to clear it up because he needs you in his life. Right now and forever. Just like he vowed to you on your wedding day.

The entire night has been a rollercoaster of emotions, and it was naive of Sae to think it was done because the next thing he knows, he sees Mirin throw a half-empty cup of yoghurt at you (along with her vile insults), and your face is absolutely dazed.

Shit. This is all his fault and he’s really, really sorry to you.

WHERE WE LEFT OFF

The walk back to your hotel suite is deafeningly silent.

Subtle lavender fills your noses as you enter the hotel lobby, though you can’t get the smell of greek yoghurt out of your nostrils.

You wonder where Karasu took Mirin to.

Not that you care about her. You just want to make sure you don’t see her. If you do, you might actually slap her.

You’re not sure if you want to try and fight her lawyers. Not sure if you want to give her reason to lord over you. At least, not as much as she did you.

When you enter the lift, you realise that Sae’s been unrelentingly close to you. His arms always brush against yours because he won’t leave so much as a gap between the two of you. Like he wants to catch you if you run.

Not in the creepy way, though. Not to you.

His hair is still slightly matted to his face; must’ve been the result of chasing after you. You’re a little perplexed, and you’re a little strict with yourself—you can’t back down later when you’re questioning him, and you have to remind yourself of this.

Because this marriage isn’t surviving another day if you don’t understand their… relationship.

Surely you’re not just being completely illiterate, right?

From what you’d been told, Sae and Mirin were each other’s first loves. That isn’t what you’re pressed about though, because he could so easily think the same about you and Reo, if the roles were reversed. What you are still pressed about is whether Sae’s intentions still hold true: is he still waiting for her? For the right time to be with her?

His earlier confession still repeats itself in your head. It could just as easily be a complete lie. You don’t want to hold onto it for fear of being disappointed.

Sae had been waiting for Mirin before the arranged marriage thwarted his plans. He had refused to give you any sort of acknowledgement as his actual wife until, well, your honeymoon, you guess. And even then, you still saw Mirin talking to him. Even then, he had to make suspicious calls in the night.

The worst part is when you saw her happily posting in your house. In the apartment where it’s supposed to be for you and your husband yet your husband and his former lover were in there when you were out working.

The moment you enter the suite, you toss his coat on top of one of the chairs and retreat to the bathroom, more than eager to change out of your Mirin-stained clothes.

Your husband’s waiting awkwardly outside the bathroom door by the time you get out, hands in his pockets, sheepishly averting his gaze as though he has the right to be the one acting nervous right now.

He takes a seat beside you on the bed, although you want nothing more than to just have time to yourself right now. On Sae’s part, he’s usually an advocate for this. He would’ve let you be alone any other time but right now. Because he feels that if he lets you, he’d lose you.

And this is selfishness in a way he hasn’t experienced and he doesn’t know why but he knows that he needs you with him.

“How many times?”

Sae finds himself stumped at your question. Your voice is quivering, but you’re trying to stand your ground. “Of what?”

For a change, you’re the one with the firm, demanding voice and he’s the one sounding meek. But for all your hostility, you still let him hold your hand. It makes Sae want to hold onto hope.

“How many times have you cheated on me?”

“What?”

He’s anticipated many things from you, many questions about his history and why you saw him the way you did earlier that night, but consider him stumped when he heard the words fly out of your mouth.

Cheating?

Have you been in agony over such a question all this time?

And suddenly he feels an overwhelming amount of guilt wash over him. Sure, he’s known that he would be bad at these things, at communicating when it’s not a sport, at understanding your feelings, at being a damn husband in a marriage that he initially loathed. But he didn’t know it would be this bad, that he would’ve made you feel this insecure.

Right now, you’re seething, and rightfully so because he must’ve done so many things wrong to make you think that way, to make you feel so sure of it too.

You’re still waiting for an answer, fists clenched at your side, the familiar mirth in your expression that Sae’s grown used to is tucked away safely in a place you don’t want him to reach.

“Well? Tell me, because I don’t want a marriage where I’m constantly a second choice. How many times have you—”

“I didn’t, I swear.”

The words come out of him in a hurry; there’s a flurry of emotions inside him, mainly one of fear—since when did he become afraid to lose you? It wasn’t something he was consciously aware of and yet it’s surfacing right now. He doesn’t want you to think that way anymore, that he’d do anything behind your back that would far disgrace your status as his wife.

It takes you a while to collect your thoughts, because Sae can see your shoulders relaxing, your fists unclenching. Your brows are furrowed, and he knows it’s because you’re afraid to just trust him. With good reason.

“How can I believe that?”

Your voice has lost its earlier edge, and now all that remains is the fragments of your hope—hope that somehow you can make it through this. Together.

Sae takes a step forward, daring to pull you into his arms, his mind filled with just you you you. Like it has been for a bulk of the time recently. 

“I’ll tell you what you wanna know, anything.” He’s aware it doesn’t come close to the damages done, but he’ll try. He’ll try for the rest of his life if he has to.

“Everything. Tell me everything.”

And everything it was.

Sae answered everything you wanted him to, no holds barred. Mostly it was everything about Mirin, because that’s what’s been bugging you the most. And it was a lot. Somehow, you believe him, every single word.

He was stupid for keeping it to himself, yes. But you kept Reo and that picture to yourself too, and maybe you can understand why he had initially been afraid to say anything.

You’re both sitting on the bed, facing each other, Sae’s voice nearly cracking from all the talking he’s been doing. His hand slowly reaches out to yours, the tension in his shoulders letting go when your fingers grasp onto his. Can he take that to mean you don’t completely hate him?

“I’m really, really sorry,” Sae says, softly, gazing at the mattress because he still doesn’t even know if he deserves your acceptance. “I really do love you, Y/N, and I don’t want a…” divorce. 

Is it because you’re too nice that you already want to forgive him? It’s all just a domino effect that got way too big. Still, you can’t make this a habit, so you stand your ground.

“I just… I want this to be a marriage where we can be open and completely honest with one another,” you say, lost in your thoughts, knowing that you’re not completely innocent yourself, and ashamed even more to know that Sae had known about the misleading picture of you and Reo all along yet choosing to trust you wholeheartedly anyway. “But I think there’s a lot of work we both need to do.”

Sae takes it hopefully. “Then we’ll do it, together,” he tells you, and it’s hard not to smile at how genuine he’s being.

But before either of you can say much else, there’s a quiet knock at the door.

“I’ll get it,” Sae offers, walking to the door and sighing once he looks through the peephole. He’s ready to ignore until the knocks come again. Opening the door, he sees a slightly timid Mirin. “We don’t have anything else to say to each other.”

Mirin doesn’t even look at him, just gazes past him at nothing. “I didn’t come to talk to you,” she says, before her gaze lands on you. “I came here to talk to her.”

taglist: @kimvmarvel @mxplesyrvp @yuzurins @futuristicxie @kiopanxp @k0z3me @y-sabell-a @sae1toshilover @xoxojisu @karmatiz @sagejin @minnieminnie00-got7 @hearts4heidi @shiinobu-x @n1uh @prepchuu @leeyzhuo @shidouryusm @tsukishiro-yue2402 @kaiserkisser @pookiebearcave @dcvilxswish @saeskiss @whtflrr @arminseas @raphsimp @saharei @danibxe @lectris00 @comet-kun @ishitam67 @gskill @sweet2wthsblog @astruoise @scaraslover @beaniedoodz @bersuadikotatua @idk-bro-gay @etoiile @sanzu-sanzu-sanzu @yourstrulyharu @noimnotttt @tinyfurytaco @bxddiebloss @biaonww @kunirayuna39 @sikuthealien @vollereix @notepadgirl16 @zareri @c4ttheart

[tubborucho]

Something I think people are missing when they talk about the whole Day 12 thing with Tubbo and Bad is that Tubbo is just like that sometimes, especially with people he’s close to. Depending on how you look at it that's not necessarily better or worse, but I think it’s an important factor because so much of the recent BBH Purgatory discussion is about how he’s singled out and that’s something Tubbo would do to anyone. He’ll get a minor irritation stuck in his head just as hard as a major problem and then refuse to let it go. The amount of ranting he does isn’t always an accurate measure of how important it is to him and “I’m still on this” (or any variation) is practically his catchphrase. I’m not trying to downplay in-character analysis, it’s a trait of both streamer and character, but it’s something you might not realize if you don’t watch Tubbo very often.

Yeah, this is also a part of it. Tubbo is very passionate about things, and sometimes those things are minor grudges that he gets stuck on for no good reason just because it’s fun for him to get annoyed at them and rant. But this is more of a cc! part of things than in character one (tho all of Tubbo’s characters also have this trait more or less).

For me, I really think it’s because Tubbo is very frustrated with the Day 12 itself, and out of everything that went wrong Bad dying is the only concrete moment he can single out. Because Quackity dying doesn’t really count in lore because he wasn’t there really (which is such bullshit btw, this is my Day 12 Roman Empire, Quackity’s death SHOULDN’T have influenced the percentage) and anyone else wasn’t there either to do the quests, for objective irl reason, so q!Tubbo also can’t really be mad at them and also who would he be mad with out of everyone on the team absent? All of them? Choose a specific person?

Meanwhile Bad was there and he died after doing something Tubbo told him not to (note: this is neutral, I am not discussing right now the moment itself and how justified Bad going in was). So it’s a concrete thing that he can blame on the percentage loss without it being meta or ‘why are you mad at me and not the others who did the same’. And it was really hard emotionally day for him, the combination of cc!Tubbo (well, q!Tubbo too but for the sake of the point we will count it as more of a cc! trait) being very competitive and q!Tubbo genuinely believing that Soulfire is cursed and that they absolutely must win this day to tie (I am pretty sure he believed it was the last day that counts? But I might be wrong) or (later) to win the Purgatory and save all the Eggs (which was his one and only goal truly, he was really clear about not straying from it even when it felt that a lot of characters forgot what it’s all for). So he singled Bad out and concentrated on it as the sole reason they lost Day 12, seething.

Now, for cc!Tubbo it’s mostly a bit, even if he acts genuinely ’not over this’, he is just having fun. And q!Tubbo may still have this grudge, but overall it does not outweigh his newfound comradery with Bad and respect for him. But q!Tubbo is also very much a Negative Nancy, he LOVES to just rant about stuff that ‘annoys’ him and get on his friends nerves. Like he find a thing and just keeps pushing it (ex: Bagi’s ‘incest’ tendencies, everything concerning Fitpac, Phil’s age and a lot of other stuff, Foolish and ‘you made it awkward now’, etc) and Day 12 is his thing for Bad along with cursing/inappropriate jokes.

Do I think it’s fair to q!Bad? When /srs – no; when /lh – yes, because it’s funny. Do I think it can count as an example of how people keep blaming Bad for everything about Purgatory? Yes. Do I think it’s actually the same as with other characters? Not at all.

All the other prominent negative after-Purgatory characterizations of Bad are concentrated on him being a bloodthirsty monster that terrorized everyone (only partially true and definitely not unique to his character). Meanwhile Tubbo never really talked about Bad being a ‘monster’ in Purgatory (afterwards) in any negative light as far as I remember, it was always very neutral. Or at least not blaming him for it. His grudge is a completely my teammate did a dumb thing so I will forever remind him it. Which tho still unfair is not hypocritical when what other characters do.

Obviously this is just my take on the situation, everyone can perceive it a bit differently, especially because I am writing this as a Tubbo main, so my view on things is skewed towards him.

[majaloveschris]

A part of me feels brainwashed to even still be here wondering what this situation really is.

People say don’t take it personally or be invested but if that were the case, none of us would still be here discussing this mess, we wanted to know who Chris really is heart wise and it seems we’re getting our answers the more this shitshow is prolonged.

I understand PR is a Hollywood thing, but at what point does one put their foot down and go, no I won’t be doing that. How many pr relationships turned to fake marriages?

People claim Chris can’t stand her, well if that’s true why associate someone like that as your spouse?

Something is off about this entire thing and I just want the truth that we may never get or maybe truth we don’t want to acknowledge.

I feel like we got duped by an image and Marvel’s marketing team.

Chris may have great qualities, but this shitshow has outweighed all of that. I think after September, I’m officially done with this if it hasn’t ended.

It’s just going to get dumber.

Caring about this whole thing or whether this is real or not doesn't mean you take it personally. If we would take it personally, we would think everything happened because of us, because the fans. Chris has always been honest about what he values and where he stands. His personality and his values made him much more likeable, and a lot of people stood by him because of those things. And whether people like to hear this or not, that goes completely against everything Alba and her friends are and stand for. So people could think that everything was a lie, and he doesn't care about those issues he's been preaching about. It's normal to think about whether the person you've been loving and supporting for years or even decades was lying all along and is a fraud. I don't think that's the case, but I get why we all care about this whole thing and question it.

Not every person needs to take it as far as to get married with someone. I think making it look as if he is married to someone was one of the reasons why he got into this. That was important to them for some reason, maybe so people will stop with those annoying comments about him being still single while he says he wants to have a family. As if it was that easy. 

I mean, if this is PR and he signed something, it's not like he has a choice. He agreed to act as if they are actually a couple, so whether he likes it or not, or whether he can stand her or not, doesn't really matter anymore. It definitely doesn't seem as if they were so in love with each other. 

Do whatever makes you feel good and comfortable. If you feel like this whole thing is too much, please do not stay. Your mental health is the most important. 

[midnightsun-if]

I’ve gotten a couple more asks in my inbox since the previous one last night that caused everything— I hesitate to call any of this discourse because I don’t want to sound dramatic— but I’d like to make this all-in-one post, that’ll be going in the FAQ, to settle this. Hopefully, I won’t get too harsh, and I apologize in advance if I do, or if I sound angry/annoyed, I’m just trying to stand firm, as I’ve previously mentioned, when it comes to this topic.

I’ll put the entirety of this underneath the cut— as I don’t wish to subject people who don’t wish to read it to the long post.

(I’ve shared screenshots beneath the cut… So, warning to anyone who may not like to see those when regarding this topic.)

I’d like to begin this by stating that I’m only annoyed, or somewhat vexed rather, with the ones that actually sent me these asks— I’m well aware a good majority of them are trolls, at least I hope, but I still felt like this would be a good time to simply collect them, make a one-and-done post, and then (hopefully) move on from this subject. As I’m, and I’m sure all of you, are tired of this topic— especially since it seems like a fairly cut and dry one to understand in the grand scheme of things.

Now I’d also like to say if you’d like to send me questions about expanding on Scarlett and/or Koda’s sexuality— what it means to them, why I decided to go that route, etc— you absolutely can! I’m more than happy answering them (though I may not be able to answer everything given spoilers). I’m not barring anyone from sending me anything, not that I truly could as free will doesn’t work like that, but I do hope this makes at least a couple people get the answers they need before sending in something. (And even if you do and need something explained a bit more? That’s completely fine!)

Onto the more gritty stuff…

Scarlett, and I’m mainly going to be mentioning her as this has been directed solely at her, but it also applies to Koda as well, is not a character simply for you all to romance, to have sex with, to be arm candy, etc. I’m well aware that’s not how the majority of people view her, but I thought I’d specify that regardless. She’s a character because of her own impact within the world, because of her own nuances, because of who she is… She works just as well as an RO as she does anything else. Am I excited about exploring her romance route? Absolutely. But, I’m even more excited about exploring Scarlett herself— backstory, personality, motivations, etc.

At the end of the day?

She’s Scarlett first before she’s the MCs anything.

Below are a couple of asks that I’ve received on this topic (older):

I saved these when I first got them because I was truly baffled by them and wanted to show my friend to see if I should do anything about it (just decided to delete them)…

Again, I’m aware these are more than likely nothing more than trolls, but I’ve gotten at least a dozen of asks ranging around this topic, that I’ve deleted because I didn’t think it’d become this much of an issue that I’d have to address in this manner, and I’d like to say to anyone that may think you can do this: No, you can’t.

Scarlett is a lesbian. I get that may disappoint some people, but there are seven other characters to choose from when it comes to romance. As I’ve mentioned before— Scarlett wouldn’t be Scarlett anymore if I decided to just make her romanceable for everyone. At that point there would’ve been no point to change her from the original character I had designed to fill her “slot” in the RO Cast.

Again, this isn’t everyone and I bet this isn’t even the vast majority of the individuals that are actually disappointed by Scarlett not being for everyone.

As for making Koda for F!MCs instead? Why would I do that? Barring the fact that he’s gay? Why do your potential problems with not being able to romance Scarlett suddenly outweigh the problems that F!MCs would go through by suddenly having that option torn away? It’s gross to even suggest doing something like that.

Below is one of the most recent asks that I’ve screenshotted to showcase what I mean in general:

I’m aware that I’d probably get some more readers if Scarlett would be accessible to everyone, but I truly don’t get this notion that Scarlett is somehow the supreme RO above all the others. I adore her, adore her route and character, but the others offer things too! They have their own special nuances that Scarlett doesn’t (just like it’s the same for her too). Not even going to comment on the interesting RO comment, as I feel like that’s intentional baiting (more so than the rest of this message).

I also wouldn’t want to cheapen my own characters, as well as the experiences you all can get with them, for more attention— I’m happy with the readers that I have right now. If I get more? Great! If I don’t? That’s also completely fine too. Because, at the end of the day, I know that I’m making the story and characters that I know I’ll enjoy making and that you all would enjoy reading.

Why not just let them?

Probably because Scarlett’s sexuality actually means something? More than simply keeping her from all of you? Like a lot of individuals seem to assume (a lot referring to the ones that sent these types of asks in)… Again, Scarlett isn’t a character just for you to get your rocks off. If you can’t respect that, how the hell would you ever actually respect her? And if you can’t even garner that basic amount, why would I ever let you romance her? (Not that I’d ever change my mind. Scarlett is staying exactly as she’s meant to be.)

I apologize if I’ve turned off readers from Midnight Sun because of this post, but I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest as this all started building up. I truly do appreciate all of you— and I can sympathize with the people that get a bit disappointed at finding out Scarlett isn’t for them: I.E. me with Miranda Lawson— but that doesn’t mean I’m going to change an integral part of who Scarlett is, pretty much taking out a chunk of what makes her Scarlett to begin with…

I’m sorry if I come off as overly harsh in this, but I hope I’ve been able to make my points firm and clear. Scarlett, and Koda, are staying as they’re designed right now— nothing, and no one, is going to change that.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[a-roses-wondrous-rain]

It Isn’t Home Without You.

TW - angst with a happy ending, Kaveh neglecting himself like always

They had another fight. But this one was one of the biggest arguments they’ve had in almost their entire time of knowing each other. It started with minute things, but Kaveh started pointing out and belittling everything. And it snowballed into genuine insults and pointing out everything they hated about each other, even though the pros of knowing and living with each other outweighed all of this.

Normally, Kaveh would be the one to leave, but Alhaitham just needed a minute of quiet, so he packed up a bag and left. And didn’t come back for a month. It was a bad argument, neither were ready to talk to each other, and neither attempted it. But in the month that Alhaitham stayed in the Shapur Hotel, it felt so wrong. The room was smaller than he was used to, he didn’t have his books to read, and he didn’t have Kaveh. But of course, Alhaitham was stubborn, and wouldn’t go back and admit he was wrong so soon. So he instead suffered in the hotel room for a month.

But finally, he decided that this was just a tad petty. Sure, he loved proving Kaveh wrong or having lighthearted arguments with him, that’s what made their dynamic fun, but he didn’t want to destroy his friendship a second time with a second argument. So he approached their house, which seemed oddly quiet for once, and unlocked it using his set of keys. The snow leopard charm that matched Kaveh’s lion one jingled against the keys as he turned it, opening the door.

Alhaitham walked in and took off his boots. He could hear something. It was a slightly annoying sound, but he soon recognized it as Kaveh’s pencil. He put his keys in the bowl and walked over to Kaveh’s room. Alhaitham took off his headphones and put his ear to the door, and he could hear mumbling. Was Kaveh spiraling again? He tended to do that whenever they had bad fights…

Alhaitham knocked, “Kaveh? I’m home, are you okay?” Kaveh quieted down, and slowly moved over to the door and opened it. Alhaitham only stared at his disheveled appearance; unwashed hair, heavy eyebags, shaking hands and an ever so slightly thinner appearance. Alhaitham sighed and scooped Kaveh up, much to the annoyance of the architect. “Let me go, Hayi,” was the first thing he said. The scribe walked over to the kitchen with Kaveh, “when was the last time you ate? Not just a snack, not something Tighnari mailed to you, a genuine meal.” That shut Kaveh up. In all honesty, he hasn’t eaten a full meal since a couple days after Alhaitham left. It felt wrong to make a meal without him. They always discussed what they’d eat, or occasionally they’d help each other in the kitchen, but they always ate together.

Alhaitham put Kaveh down. “Now, have you gone shopping in the month I’ve been gone? Or do I need to go dig out something that’s still good?” “I- …no, I haven’t gone shopping since you left.” Another thing that felt wrong without Alhaitham. They always went to the market together, picking out fruits, spices and meats, or other foods to try and cook with. Alhaitham went over to the cabinets, since the dry and canned foods would supposedly be good still. He ended up grabbing frozen beef, canned tomatoes, kidney beans and rice. Kaveh curled up on the couch while waiting for it all to heat up and cook.

“You don’t have to do this, azizam. I can take care of myself. I’m not a child.” Alhaitham stirred the rice pot, “ah, right. Because a functioning adult doesn’t eat a full meal for a month straight. You need to take care of yourself better, Kaveh.” Kaveh really didn’t have a response to that, so he just quietly sat on the couch as the aroma of the ingredients filled the house. It actually smelled quite nice. Alhaitham poured the rice in with the beef and added canned tomatoes and kidney beans, mixing in spices as well. He served it in two bowls and put everything else in the sink before walking over. “Here, eat. You clearly need it.” Kaveh took the bowl and a spoon, slowly taking a bite. Alhaitham joined him on the couch with his own bowl, grabbing a book and putting his headphones back on to play white noise.

Kaveh swallowed his spoonful before quietly speaking, “Hayi, I’m sorry for my behavior and all… I didn’t mean to be that loud, or that mean, or that selfish, or- or that horrible.” Alhaitham paused, looking up at Kaveh as he kept going. “I understand that you may hate me for my actions, and that’s alright, I just wanted to say that I apologize for all of… this.” He emphasized the last word by gesturing to the both of them, and his neglected appearance. Alhaitham thought to find the words for a minute. Despite being a Haravatat scholar, he really didn’t know how to properly word any sort of apology, or explanation, or frankly anything with emotions to it. “It’s alright, Kaveh. You don’t need to keep putting yourself down. Just say the little things when it bothers you so we don’t get outbursts like that again.

Kaveh chuckled, “is that why you immediately mention when something ticks you off?” “I suppose so. To be fair, you do a lot of annoying things.” Kaveh let out a gasp of mock offense, “are you saying you don’t enjoy living with me?” Alhaitham figured it was sarcasm since it was a lighthearted situation now. He scooted over to Kaveh, turning up his white noise a bit while he ate and read, and Kaveh started talking about projects he had been working on during Alhaitham’s absence.

Finally, things were feeling better again.

[andrebearakovsky]

If each of the remaining playoff teams won the Cup this year, ranked by how fun it would be (for me personally)

1. Florida Panthers

I want this so bad. I adore Sasha Barkov (and Vladi Tarasenko) and I think this is a really, really good team that I would love to see win. They were so, so close last year, and I want to see them do it. I want the rat team to win their first ever Cup. And plus, could you imagine the cunty energy Matthew Tkachuk would have if he got to parade around with the Stanley Cup? Unmatched.

2. Vancouver Canucks

If the Cup goes back to Canada, I want it to be to this team. The turnaround this year was amazing, they’ve got great energy, and I’d like to see that core group win it together. And based on what happened in 2011, if they finally won their first ever Cup I think the city of Vancouver might actually go feral and tear itself apart. Plus, I need Quinn to win the Cup before Jack and Luke do for oldest sibling rights.

3. Nashville Predators

The team no one thought could do it making a gritty push and winning it all would be a great story. And it would be nice to see like Josi and Forsberg win it after coming so close a couple years ago. And the party in Nashville would be epic. And I think they’d be legally obligated to both A) go to the sphere and B) get U2 to perform at like the Cup parade if they win it.

4. Toronto Maple Leafs

While I am not necessarily rooting for them, seeing them finally break that curse would be something historic to see. They have NO Cups since the original expansion, and all the other original 6 teams have won at least one since then, so they have the longest current Cup drought despite technically having a lot of Cups. And if they’re gonna do it, they NEED to slay their personal demon (Bruins) along the way to get it done. I’m not sure if they’re strong enough, but if they can actually come back and win this round maybe that’ll give them the power to get it done. We’ll see.

5. Dallas Stars

I don’t really like this team, but they’re less annoying to me then they used to be and a good chunk of them have been there for a long time so that would be nice for them.

Okay actually I’m gonna stop lying to myself, I just want it for Joe Pavelski. I might cry if he won it tbh. But in that situation I would be rooting for Joe Pavelski and Joe Pavelski only.

6. Edmonton Oilers

While maybe it would be nice to see McDavid win it someday, I think he needs to suffer a little bit longer. MY team was halfway in the grave when they finally won it, so I think he should be too. It’s not time yet. Also this team is fucking annoying, the fan base can be fucking annoying, and the goal horn is anxiety-inducing. And you guys have like a bunch of Cups from the 80s so like. Shut up.

7. Colorado Avalanche

While not the worst of the options, it would not be the outcome I want. It’s been too soon since the last one I would just be annoyed. So many of them are still there. And they don’t even have Gabe this time, so what’s the point? They’re the only one remaining without their captain playing, and I don’t think it would be right.

8. Boston Bruins

While this is an entirely different group of Bruins from the last time they won, and while it would be cool to see Pasta win and Marchand to lift it as captain, my general hatred of Bruins and Boston sports does NOT want this to happen.

9. Carolina Hurricanes

They have a few things going for them: 1) Having the captain who won their first Cup as a player win their second Cup as the head coach would be super cool, and seeing Rod win as a coach would be cool. 2) I love Sebastian Aho and the former Caps they’ve got. But they’ve got some of the worst humans on their roster (DeAngelo and Lemieux) and they are incredibly fucking annoying, and the cons greatly outweigh the pros, so it’s a no from me dawg.

10. Vegas Golden Knights

You guys JUST fucking won it. I have exactly zero “oh it would be nice to see them win” feelings for anyone on this team. And you’re really damn annoying and I’m tired of you go away.

11. New York Rangers

I just really really really fucking hate this team, fuck you 🖕

[muthaz-rapapa]

Hirogaru Sky Impressions (4/5)

Keeping this short since I’m still tired from my trip and have stuff to do before going back to work tomorrow.

Thankfully, the past 10 eps only consisted of Majesty’s debut and some (really great) fillers.

Starting with Majesty then. I’m honestly surprised I was correct about them keeping her a toddler despite aging her up when transforming. And as I guessed as much, this means she doesn’t really have a full-fledged character arc of her own.

Not that it’s a bad thing since Ellee-chan still gets a good amount of development cuz she’s a growing child, after all. Which is mainly shown through things like her speech improving significantly each day, learning how to better express herself and her wants. And of course, the heartwarming interactions with her friends who also have their moments in finding the best ways they can to support her (like how Ageha readily believed Ellee-chan who was frustrated when she had trouble transforming into Majesty).

These are all within range of what is expected for a child her age so a whole arc isn’t really needed and therefore, more time and focus can be dedicated to the older Cures, too. So I’m quite pleased with that.

But I also can’t lie that it’s a shame we won’t see what a preteen Ellee-chan is like outside her alter ego.

That and considering her VA is Aoi Koga (of Kaguya-sama fame), we won’t get to hear a further extent of her acting in this role either.

Don’t get me wrong, Aoi Koga absolutely nailed the part of a baby, able to bring out Ellee-chan’s cuteness without making her sound annoying but…the potential is already a loss at this point.

Additionally, for a midseason Cure, Majesty has the least going for her in other departments compared to those before her.

Up till now, they’ve barely scraped at the lore associated with her identity. So when she’s not fighting, she’s limited to being slightly better than the average mascot.

The only attack in her arsenal is simultaneously a group attack so she has to share it with the others. Not to mention half the stock footage doesn’t have her at the center but Sky instead. Despite the attack bearing her name.

With only 8 eps left in the season, it seems the writers brought Majesty out as part of Precure’s yearly formula schedule more than anything. Her purpose is mainly to renew viewers’ excitment in the show (and generate desire to buy the newest toy) since her debut brings a little something new to the table…but she is not allowed to outshine this season’s real star, the lead Cure.

Personally, I think the pros outweigh the cons so it doesn’t bother me too much but it’s also too noticeably flawed and biased for me to really accept it as okay.

Moving on, the fillers.

They were all amazing, definitely better than the previous 10 eps.

Mashiro continuing to pursue the path towards becoming a picture book author and coming to terms with the fact that not everyone will receive her work with good reviews yet still choosing to draw because she’s doing it for herself and those who do enjoy her books was something that resonated with me deeply.

Then more time was devoted to her childhood friendship with Ageha which was super wonderful. We really needed that ep of how they became friends and the writers delivered so excellent job 👍

Ageha finally encountering struggles in her job and learning that it was okay to show sadness in front of her students was something I’ve been waiting a long time to see as well. It was especially good because it corresponded splendidly with the first ep of Otona Precure within the same week (which is also great so far) as the intro of that dealt with Nozomi trying to help her own student.

Portraying adults as realistic adults instead of perfect caricatures who can do anything. Showing hardships by not sweeping them under the rug but acknowleding them with the screentime they deserve so the characters can actually process their own feelings and work out a solution. Displaying a healthy level of idealism, not based on generic platitudes but actual belief. I really appreciate that.

Yoyo cleverly getting Tsubasa a promotion to a sage in Skyland’s royal court was also 10,000 meters of screaming joy for me cuz yea, that boy is way too smart and talented to just settle for flying around. He clearly treasures his homeland and wants to make it a better place for all its inhabitants, including the Dragon Tribe that had been cut off from the rest of the country for decades. He obviously has what it takes to become a diplomat.

He acquired a new dream to devote himself and his skills to and that’s what anyone who’s as wholesome as Tsubasa should get. So it was fulfilling to see that come true for him.

Lastly, Sora. She only had one ep to herself this time but it was a good ep with a good topic (probably one of the best of the Sora eps). Honestly, I think I liked it more because it was only one ep, lol

So yea, with this, I think I’m all set for the rest of the show as far as Tsubasa and Ageha’s arcs are concerned. There will still be more fillers until ep 45 at least, plenty of time to close out the Mashiro and Sora’s as well as the lore surrounding Ellee-chan so it’s just a matter of concluding the story in a satisfying manner.

Other than that, I’m also wondering if we’ll get any super forms for HiroSky since it’s already this late in the season…

…but you never know as it can happen in the finale. Not sure if HiroSky will get its standalone movie in Mar either but if so, we might see something there, too.

Ok, that is all. The season will pass by in a flash so enjoy the rest of HiroSky with a full heart and let’s begin to look forward to next Precure in the new year. Bye for now!

[hurkules]

Love and Deepspace thoughts that no one asked for:

I downloaded Love and Deepspace a while ago, played through the first two chapters then ended up deleting because the cons outweighed the pros. I just redownloaded because FOMO and thankfully it let me skip to the Sylus chapters so the rest of part 1 is still locked.

TLDR: My fomo is cured, I don’t like the story enough to keep playing, and I’ll just get what I really want from TikTok and fanfiction. Not this matters, but Zayne and Sylus are my favs.

Yeah…this game still isn’t it for me. I’m not extremely into the story. The whole Hunter thing is really annoying (no like why do I HAVE to be one) and the MC kinda is too. The two Sylus chapters that are out so far are way more interesting than part 1 (I only got 2 chapters in so take with salt). The main story seems to play such a big part in the game, so I can’t really ignore it. ALSO I don’t mind a little angst but literally every storyline in this game seems so sad. So, I’m double incline to leave it alone.

Another thing I didn’t like was that the game has a lot going on. You have memories, secrets, a bond thing, myths, etc and they all either tie into the story or provide moments/context to the characters that you don’t get during the main story. Since I don’t care for the story it almost makes me wonder about the point of it when all the good stuff is in the side content. Then you have all these little notes and exploration things too. Granted, I don’t read the those because I don’t care.

I don’t like the gacha aspect. Either you wait forever to slowly acquire whatever OR you spend money. Maybe it’s worth it for some people, but I don’t like this game enough to spend money. Unfortunately, I almost feel like you have to if you wanna get the most out of it. I haven’t played much so maybe I’m wrong about that part but it seems that for some of the materials, you may actually have to buy them.

Lastly, it’s kind of a grind, and that’s not what I’m here for. You have to do bounty hunts and what not to get materials to level up your memories so that they’re strong enough to beat the main story battles as well as the bounty hunts themselves. You also have to grind and do all these other side things to get experience to advance since the chapters don’t unlock until you’re a certain level. The bounty hunts are also locked by level, so that’s another reason to grind.

Again, I haven’t played a whole bunch so it’s possible that some of my nitpicks are just me overlooking or misunderstanding, but that’s my review. I don’t like the story enough to keep playing which sucks because some of the interactions happen that way and it’s actually how you progress. I also refuse to spend real money on this so r.i.p to the memories and whatever else.

[tryan-a-bex]

@writing-for-life tagged me in the Fanfic tropes game! I’m going to try it, even though it feels a bit like I might have too many questions about the questions (it’s an autism thing for me).

Rules: How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

10: very enticed

0: don’t care either way

-10: very dissuaded

nope -> if it's a hard no and you'd never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you'd insta click out of the fic if it wasn't tagged.

Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it's conditional.

Age gap: 0 It has to be healthy with awareness of power imbalance, if it’s abusive I’m out.

Codependency: 0 there’s the abusive addictive codependency which is a nope, and then there’s the cute older couple who’ve lived together so long they don’t know how to function without each other and that’s a different story.

Enemies to lovers: 0 has to be well done

Enemies with benefits: -5 usually annoying

Fake dating/relationship: 5 can be okay but I don’t seek them out

Found family: 10 yes I love found family

Friends to lovers: 8 often good but I don’t look for it specifically

Friends with benefits: 3 okay but where does it go from there?

Hurt/comfort: 5 often okay unless the angst outweighs the comfort by a large margin

Love triangle: nope. pick one or make it work polyamorously, this one is utterly annoying.

Mistaken/hidden identity: 3 can be okay can also be awful

Monster fu…relationship: 7 often okay, I’ll generally give it a chance

Obsession/possessiveness: 0 can be abusive in which case it’s a nope. Can also be really sweet if it’s mutual I guess, so then it’s okay?

Opposites (eg grumpy/sunshine): 8 often good

Polyamory: 10 I love this and it’s not common yet so I’ll take it

Pregnancy: -8 still traumatized by my last pregnancy so it better be really good

Second chance: 0 again. Can be used to excuse abuse or to show redemption.

Sex to feelings: 3 okay if it’s well done

Slow burn: 0 100k words of slow burn will put me off. Just talk already, my god!!!

Soulmates: -3 such an awful concept, that only one person will fit and you’ll be sad forever if it gets messed up. Can be okay in fic if well done. Occasionally.

Tagging: @two-hands-toward-the-sun @aetheltrythh @best-wishes @teejaystumbles because I beta read for you all this week, it’s been a great week!!! About half these tropes showed up! Anyone else who wants is welcome to play too!

[blasphemme]

just finished call of duty black ops. here are some (long, comma abusing, mostly tangentially related) thoughts after playing it for the first time for anyone who might read them!

altogether the campaign was fine, i guess.

as many others have in the past few years following the modern warfare remakes, my online activity has been inundated with thirst edits made of characters in call of duty — despite having never played the games myself. they’re not my thing.

my flatmate, however, has played them. he played them as a kid when they were being released, and he has had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of me watching these edits and reading fanfics (shout out early 351780!!). increasingly annoyed at my thirsting, he has forced me to play every call of duty campaign on the xbox 360.

i’ve found that i actually really enjoy playing cod. it’s enjoyable, action packed and, most importantly, quite compelling. they’re something i’d never have considered playing without him pushing me to play them. i’m more of an assassin’s creed/ace combat/nier girl and always have been. the closest i’d been to playing a shooter before this experience was playing gta, badly.

my flatmate knew my priorities. after an introduction to the premise with world at war — the first game in the black ops series, which i promise i will get to at some point — we played the original modern warfare campaigns first, because i am a wee bit in love with captain john price, and i loved them. the stories, while simple enough to follow (and already knowing about the main character deaths in advance — it’s a 10+ year old series, after all!), were emotionally evocative. i found myself becoming attached to the protagonists quickly and deeply, all the while having a whale of a time fucking around in the rest of the mission. this girl loves just walking onto grenades! between world at war and the modern warfare trilogy of campaigns, i was hooked from the start.

i realise now that i have been spoiled. those campaigns were just too good.

black ops’ campaign pales in comparison to the other four games i’ve played. i will admit that it is still fun — very fun! i enjoyed the feeling of progressing from one badass area to the next, with sam worthington’s horrific american accent and gary oldman’s alright russian accent pushing me through. i also have to admit that i still play like an absolute scrub, but the enjoyment i got from it outweighed the frustration. (mostly.)

black ops lacks the charm and depth i loved in world at war. while fun, every plot twist was spotted as soon as it was hinted to, much to my flatmate’s dismay. it took one guy telling mason to get a hold of himself for me to figure out the twist around reznov, and one recitation of the numbers on the way to the pentagon for me to figure out that mason would go on to kill kennedy. this, in particular, also felt like a bit of a cop-out — having this confirmed in a post-credits scene was disappointing, when i’d gone through the whole game and sat through an eminem song in the credits expecting a sequence where i’d be on the grassy knoll just to end up in a round of zombies. honk shoo.

modern warfare — modern warfare 2 in particular (kevin mckidd’s soap my beloved <3) — introduced new mechanics that’d be used once or twice in the whole game, most of which i enjoyed. the missions where you have to assist tf141 from an ac130 in the first game? stellar. absolutely unmatched. all ghillied up can go fuck itself on a gameplay front though, fuck you if you think i’m gonna figure out what the coriolis effect is. in black ops, the helicopter sequences felt like hate crimes against me personally. poorly designed flight controls and awful combat mechanics combined to make a literally unplayable pair of missions involving attacking other helicopters that i had to beg my flatmate to complete for me. embarrassing.

this game is utterly us army propaganda. the epic final shot in the campaign after killing dragovich — where suddenly 3 aircraft carriers are there waiting for you flying star spangled banners, and 8 fighter jets pass overhead — only resulted in making me cringe and laugh in disbelief, where in 2010 it would’ve made young men enlist. world at war at least has the balance of ‘war is cool and we’re the best’ in the pacific segments and ‘war sucks, actually,’ in the eastern front segments. modern warfare, too, falls face first into the latter, and that’s part of what i enjoyed about it.

even the little fun things weren’t as enjoyable. i didn’t have a favourite gun, or a favourite mission. the star cast choices were okay, but nothing to call home about. there wasn’t a ‘production babies’ segment in the credits, and they made me listen to eminem and pink. what the fuck?

altogether, black ops 1 has the worst campaign of the franchise i’ve played so far. next we’re onto black ops 2, which hopefully won’t come with a free personal statement like this one, and which i’ve been told is one of the best games ever made. we’ll see.

3/10

[lemon-inferno]

Reborn Rich episode 7 ✔️

It is the beginning of the end. Episode seven felt much like a transitional episode that began to tighten its hold on our Do Jun, just to release him later on. Up until now everything was going smoothly for him, but now he’s beginning to encounter challenge after challenge in the faces of his “family”.

I’ll separate this episode in to characters.

First Do Jun. I was really excited for this episode simply because of how the previous one ended. The face off between Do Jun and his grandfather in that dimly lit room was everything for me. It was, as I said, the beginning of the end. I love the timeframe this show has, the real events footage they use. The way they’re going with this, Do Jun is going to be responsible for how modern day (fictional) Seoul developed. I mean, it was already implied when he chose that particular piece of land to get from his grandfather. But now with the DMC too, this is quickly turning into “Do Jun built modern day Seoul” kind of thing, lol. (If you’re not familiar with what DMC is, it’s a real place in Seoul. If any of you are into fashion, Seoul Fashion week happened there in 2022. But it’s really much more than that.)

Another thing about Do Jun: the romance associated with him. I’m glad he rejected her offer. The way the preview set it up, I almost thought there’s a chance he’ll accept. For all we know, she could’ve been the one to order his murder in his previous life as Hyun Woo. I’m not really interested in the romance at all, so I’m glad it didn’t really take that course. I’m guessing we won’t be seeing Min Young for a while. It was implied we wouldn’t, at least to me. With the bar exam and the sad shot where she stands alone. Yeah, I think she won’t be very involved. Or at least, I hope. BUT THAT IS JUST ME, OKAY?

Next the grandfather, Jin Yang Cheol. I have a love-hate relationship with this character. He’s not truly evil, but he’s also wrong. But I guess that’s the point. He’s a good business man, not a good family man. Still human though. He feels for his children, he blames himself for making them out to be enemies and yet he can’t swallow his pride (and his company) for them. It must be what he wants and nothing else. He made his oldest son a cripple to save his company. Then he says he feels guilty about it. For me, the bad outweighs the good in him.

Oh Se Hyun, my beloved. He’s gained my trust. I was really suspicious of him for a while, but I think he’ll remain beside Do Jun for the rest of the show. I’m starting to like his character more and more. And I’m very happy to see more of Tiffany. Sorry, I mean Rachel.  She is awesome, I love her. The role is basically herself with another name, but I love her.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT PART FOR ME! I was waiting for Do Jun’s parents to be more involved! I had this thought in the back of my mind, I didn’t give it voice because I would’ve remained annoyed while watching the show and I didn’t want to ruin my own experience. I’m really, really happy that Do Jun’s father backed him up and I can’t wait to see more of Do Jun’s relationship with them. I’m sure that as Do Jun, he understands they had no control over what happened and they don’t even know their son was “swapped” in Do Jun’s mind (I assume). I’m still betting that they were actually his real parents even when he was Hyun Woo, but if I love it’s a bet I’m willing to lose.

The only moment of this episode that I didn’t like was when the lightbulb burst. It’s such a trademark move for kdramas to have that cheesy moment where someone saves a girl from something incredibly stupid and unthreatening in the most dramatic way possible. After nearly 10 years of kdrama I should be used to it. Cope, remon.

Anyways, that’s pretty much it for now. Looking forward to episode 8 and 9!  

[mimibwi]

It is very obvious that bh is pushing tkk and ynm in official content. It is smart from a business point of view! Service the fandom with the most famous ships to make them happy and so they can spend more money! but from an ethical point of view, they took it so far that it became ugly and the members are getting harassed everyday because of it!

It is very obvious that bh is pushing tkk and ynm in official content.

But the thing is it isn’t “obvious” and I will even venture to say it isn’t there— at least not in the way people claim it is. As someone who’s been on the other side of this shipper logic for a long time, I just don’t see what it is that many of you do. I’ve seen so many people say that these two ships, especially Taekook, are being forced for the past year. And I’m just confused because where is this content y’all are speaking about, what exactly was done to “push” these ships because apparently they weren’t pushed to me. All i’ve seen from them is—

Yoonmin- *that ad thing they did, their albums being around the same time, jimin at Yg’s concert, weverse live and comments, *yoongi putting his arm around Jimin for 3 seconds in a video that was filmed months ago,

Taekook- the movie premiere and hangout, pictures being LEAKED of them going who knows where, the insta live, vhopekook hangout and 2 minute live, weverse mentions and comments, *Tae sitting next to JK and balancing a box on his head(?) in a video from months ago, maybe there’s more but it doesn’t change much for me.

*BH controlled content

Those just seem like dudes being bros to me. Most of these are not official so I don’t see where BH’s influence comes in. Are you implying they’re telling Tae to drag Jk along with him on hangouts and make sure to get photographed or forcing Jimin to go to Yoongi’s concert and comment on his welive. This logic is so ridiculous to me and I can never get behind it.

The most I can agree with when it comes to this is that the editors see moments and say it’s cute and they put it in cause they know we’ll enjoy it. Even still, this happens for many, if not all, ships so I don’t see any particular disparities in which one is “pushed”. Shippers just see the ones that they look out for more and unfortunately toxic shippers keep tabs on both their favorite and the “threatening” ships to make it this competition. Many of you go into content with obvious biases and expectations so it’s not surprising shippers throw temper tantrums when things don’t go their way. Like why are shippers pre-mad that a ship would be pushed or another won’t be shown in content that isn’t even announced yet (Memories 2022)? With this mindset Tkk is going to be called fs no matter how much they interact, even if your favorite ship is all over it. I just want to point out the hypocrisy in that.

Another thing is that many shippers don’t notice when their feelings for different shipper fandoms start causing them to be impartial to the actual ship. Taekookers and their habit of making things out to be more than it is makes it seem like Taekook did the world of things now everyone is convinced they’re being forced/push. Shippers do not represent the ship so the fact that Taekook is getting looked down on like this because some Taekookers are annoying is so fucking sad. Like i was so surprised when i first heard about the whole “Tkk being push” thing because I thought we were all happy for them, especially after their conversation in ITS1. Although I don’t think what we see online necessarily represents who is close or not, I was just glad they hung out *shrugs*. I am sure many of you were too but I guess the hate for Taekookers outweighs the love for the boys sometimes.

but from an ethical point of view, they took it so far that it became ugly and the members are getting harassed because of it.

I think shippers use this argument to take a lot of accountability away from them and to justify their emotions and actions when things don’t go their way. I’ve seen shippers use this and similar arguments to be hateful towards the members and i’m sorry but that doesn’t cut it. Even if BH is pushing ships (i still don’t agree btw) it’s no one’s fault that shippers act the way they do. Take some accountability for once. Even if they show a ship more, them and the members haven’t done anything for any shipper to be convinced that relationship is real. BH isn’t forcing us to ship these men and even if they were, we have enough autonomy to choose not to. There’s no gun to our head when we get into our delusions and some shippers get so out of touch that they get upset at the possibility of their delusions and beliefs not being real. Even if you get a little disappointed (i think a little is understandable) you need to know who you’re emotions should be aimed at and a lot of it should be to yourself not the boys or BH, that’s just a cop out.

Anyway @/BH let’s push some more!!! While you’re at it, push some others lemme see something👀.

✨btw anon, me saying “you” or calling out shipper behavior isn’t me saying you exhibit that behavior— I don’t even know you like that lol— I’m just speaking in a general sense :))

[russilton]

Hi Mark, since we are in the argument of Lewis’ latest interview… what do you think of the other comments he made there on George’s work? Of his (lack of) setting the car up? I fear I might have become so paranoid to read bad stuff and see bad words on George everywhere, so please tell me I’m just reading stuff where there isn’t and that it’s still our britcedes working together for the win

I think hyper analysis of every little word out of their mouths will be your death. Truth is… he probably didn’t think that hard about it. Also it’s an interview given to multiple journalists in a room, Lewis doesn’t have control over how the journalists choose to frame his words.

I bring this up constantly around here, and I’ll say it again, take people at their friggin word. Doing otherwise is an exercise in madness, and more over, it’ll make you really fucking sad.

“George is doing a great job," Hamilton says. "I don't have any problems with it. There's no issues in the background with us.

I saw it as a genuinely positive interview from Lewis, he talks over how he doesn’t compare himself to George, how he CHOSE to experiment. He’s said before it’s because he WANTS to be a good teammate to George. He says George is doing an incredible job with what he can because he’s new here. He isn’t blaming George for not doing the same thing, he explains it in the interview! Lewis has been at that team 10 years longer, in the sport 13 years longer, he can do the testing George can’t.

George, I would say, and his team, they don't experiment the same, obviously. But that's because I've been here for a long time, so I'm willing to take these risks.

George is proving himself to the team so he can retain his seat, of course he can’t do what Lewis does. He’s learning a new car at an entirely new team and Lewis has encouraged him every step of the way. Every person in the garage who’s been interviewed mentions how Lewis encourages George to push him because he ENJOYS IT.

You need to make sure you aren’t giving undue weight to a single sentence. Just because you only hear a few things out of them each week doesn’t mean one line suddenly makes a change in view. And the way I read it, it didn’t mean to put George down at all either. It just said “we chose to do these radical things for the sake of helping, by mid season we realised it wasn’t helping as much anymore, so we scaled it back”. Also, if you have to put his words in the context of EVERYTHING ELSE he’s said this year.

There are SO many points over the season you could say “oh Lewis is annoyed he’s doing all the testing” or “George is annoyed Lewis had better strategy” but every time it’s just them saying “hindsight is 20/20, I may have done better doing it his way, oh well, ”. A single line shouldn’t outweigh a million affectionate, friendly ones.

It is human nature to doubt, it is human nature to find the most negative voice to be the loudest. But doing so can be at the detriment of the person you are doubting. Just, trust them? Trust the guys that they’re big boys who get on, especially when they keep showing us they do.

I don’t think there’s much of an argument here, and if there is one, I don’t wanna be drawn into it lol. It shouldn’t matter what I say, I’m just some dude.

[txxfiles]

hello?

I don't know what to write about this month! so I’m just going to stream of consciousness and see where we go. 

I was going to write about my holiday but I started a travel journal and did like 2 days and then was so exhausted every night that I didn’t do it! It was an amazing holiday tho, like once in a lifetime sorta shit. it was a bit hit and miss if we would even go but we did and it was wonderful and I appreciated having so much time with my brother as I miss him. It was so full on tho like it was a group tour thing and it was like go go go and we walked 20 thousand steps one day bc my brother and I were like ‘Yeah sure we’ll climb that mountain with u no stress’ and then basically got lapped by the American women over 60 who came with us lmao. I was so careful as well with putting on suncream and shit and I STILL got burnt!!! the curse of being so fair burdens me every day. I am mostly nicely tanned and the redness has gone down so we chill but it’s so funny bc everyone else in my family is so nicely tanned and then there's a tomato girl walking around with them. my freckles have come back tho so that's nice. 

it gave me a lot of time with my thoughts tho, which I hate. Also being forced to spend that much time with my parents is always interesting. the other people in our group were telling them how good of a job they did raising myself and my brother which always makes me feel weird. I don’t think the good parts of my personality have come from my parents, I often value all the bad things about it to them which may seem harsh but my instinctual politeness and willingness to help wasnt fostered by them teaching it to me, it came from fear of getting yelled at if i wasn't this way and getting in trouble for doing anything other than cutting myself in half to do what was asked of me. I hate the person I become when I spend so much time with them as well like I become so angry and snappy and my tolerance for shit just plummets and I come home and it’s like a wave of relief because I feel so much calmer instantly. And then the next minute I feel awful for not seeing them very often and like guilty for having my own life and actually enjoying not seeing them very often. My mother makes a point of talking about not seeing me and missing me and I struggle to wrap my head around the idea of them missing me because when I see them they don’t talk to me! they don’t ask me shit they just take it in turns complaining about the other to me and I’m sat in the middle with my head in my hands wanting to die! I told them both at separate points that I wasn't getting involved and then got the silent treatment and I was just soooooo doneeeeeeee. I’m so grateful I could go on the trip and the highlights totally outweigh the bad bits but it’s hard to remember the good parts when the last 4 days were spent in a state of tension and arguments that I couldn't walk away from because there was nowhere to go! it’s like a constant battle of being grateful and then being annoyed over and over again and I don’t know how to deal with it so I just don’t! 

Going away with your family at my age is weird as well. my brother and I look very young so everyone else in the group very much assumed we were younger than we are which was funny and I guess a blessing. no shame in it but one of the other ppl in our group wasn't much older than me and she’s married with a house and a stable job and I just sat there like ahahahahahaaaaaaaaa. I know it’s bad to compare yourself to others and I’ve gotten better at not doing it but in situations like that, it’s hard. I said last time how I feel like I’m behind everyone and that's still stuck. I’m not doing bad per se but I’m not really making any money and I’m no closer to starting the career I want and that’s not for lack of trying like I keeeeeep applying for jobs and getting turned down on no response at all and it hurts. I worked so hard for my degree and some days it feels like it was for nothing. I know something will come up soon but the waiting is slowly killing me. 

I didn’t smoke the entire holiday either as I couldn’t because my parents don’t need another reason to be disappointed in me and now I’m back in the UK I can’t afford to buy any cigs but GOD DO I WANT SOME PLEASE. I know it’s bad for u and shit but I just want a little treat. I didn’t miss it when I was away and because I literally couldn't get any it didn’t even really cross my mind bc I was so busy but now I’m back and the corner shop is 5 minutes away i’m like uwu yes pls gimme the lil death stick. I think that's one of my biggest issues, if something is within my reach I literally cannot deny myself it. goes for food, people, drinks whatever, if I can get it I’ll have it even if it’s not a sensible thing to do within the budget I have. I think it stems from my childhood but I’m not getting into that right now. 

In other news, I’m actually having a birthday party for the first time since I was a kid!!! wooo!!! hopefully, I won’t cry this birthday other than from happiness!!!! everyone I’ve asked is well keen as well so I was like yay amazing! and then one of my mates whom my relationship with is so complicated I wouldn’t even know where to start was like ‘Yeah sure I’ll come’ and I was like fab ok and then the NEXT TIME he messaged me he was like ‘oh it’s the FOOTBALL FINAL SO I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN COME’?????????????? HELLO???????????? I’m honestly fuming. I get it, your team might not get to the final again fine whatever but the matches are like in the afternoon so u could still come after???? oh my apologies for thinking I, your friend or whatever whom you have been through an insane amount of shit with, might be A BIT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE FUCKING FOOTBALL???? I hate men oh my god I’m actually mad and maybe that's selfish but what the fuck. I’m currently leaving him on delivered because I’m not about to start shit between us for the millionth time but considering the conversation we had about new years and how he had fomo you would think he’d wanna come but no. If he does end up changing his mind I’m so tempted to be like ‘nah don’t bother’ but that goes against every single particle of my being so WE’LL SEE. if he tries anything imma whack him (probably) but regardless, it should be fun and it’ll be nice to see all my friends in one place and shit. I’m very nervous about it bc I’m convinced no one will come but everyone I’ve asked has been enthusiastic so hopefully, it goes well. hopefully. I don’t want another birthday where I end up feeling upset or like a burden or whatever. thinking about it reminded me of one birthday I had where my so-called friend made out with the guy I liked when we were in the cinema knowing full well I liked him. good vibes!!! 

anyway, that’s me! once again not particularly positive but I’ve realised I use this as a way to get things off my chest I’m not sure how to properly talk about in person. which I think is kinda the point of this anyway. but regardless, I’m tanned and travelled and back to the grind like the alpha male I am. 

peace out homies

eucalyptus ᡣ • . • 𐭩 ♡