#the terrible pun machine is back (i'm sorry)

[mangostarjam]

one night (fruit) stand — bnha, todoroki shouto x gn!reader, fluff, "love" as a pet name, fruit puns sorry, pro heroes, aged up, no quirks mentioned for reader, 2.2k words

written for andie's pretty boy summer collab!

"This is for you."

The low, measured tone is a welcome respite from the joyful chaos of the farmer's market, but you balk as you look up from a basket of oranges — straight into the eyes of your one night stand.

"Wait," you say. Your brow wrinkles. The man — tall, ridiculously handsome, way out of your league — merely blinks his dichromatic eyes and lowers his hand slightly. He sets the cold can of milk tea on the table and reaches up to tilt his bucket hat a little further up his head, revealing a shock of red and white hair that looks vaguely familiar. But that's not the only thing — "You have the same bucket hat as one of our regulars. But he said it was exclusive."

"I do have the hat," the hottest guy in the world says. "I'm Todoroki Shouto. Do you remember me?"

You feel the flush burn in your cheeks and up the back of your neck as hazy memories from last night leap unbidden to your mind. There was the warm buzz of alcohol in your veins — the intimate, cozy izakaya — a flash of a charming smile and mesmerizing dichromatic eyes — your quietly giddy giggling as you twined your arms around a smooth neck to stretch up on tiptoes for a kiss — stumbling into a door, tripping over shoes in the genkan, wrapping your legs around a trim waist as your partner groaned into your mouth —

Of course you fucking remember Todoroki Shouto. That was the best night of your entire life, and he was the cause of it. But why is he standing at your farmer's market stall looking like the world's hottest model for bucket hats?

You left his beautifully rumpled bed this morning way before dawn, yanking your clothes back on and mourning the loss of his strong body curled up around your own, positive you'd never see him again. You know for a fact that he doesn't have your number or any contact info.

But now he's here. At your farmer's market stall. Wearing a disconcertingly familiar bucket hat.

Maybe it's one of those new trends? You don't keep up with heroes and wouldn't recognize their branding if it smacked you in the face, but at the very least you know that when a hero starts rising in the rankings, their merch starts popping up more and more often. The hat looks like it could be one of those — it's a solid black with orange on the inside (that clashes terribly with Shouto's hair, except he still looks unfairly good), a thin line of orange along the edge, and an embroidered… grenade… patch centered in the middle.

Why anyone would walk around wearing a grenade bucket hat, you don't know, but if it's hero merch then it makes more sense. So Shouto must be a fan of this rising hero — a huge fan, to get an exclusive hat like this, but — wait, he's staring at you and gosh, his blue and gray eyes are so gorgeous and when his lips quirk in that little lopsided smile your heart feels dangerously like it'll leap out of your chest.

"I take it you remember me," he says, still in that even tone but with an edge of laughter this time.

Your face heats even more and your hands clench around the basket of oranges. "Sorry, sorry," you clear your throat. "I just… wasn't expecting you."

Shouto nudges the can of milk tea closer to you. "I wanted to see you again," he says carefully. You glance at the can and blink. It's your favorite drink to pick up from vending machines. Did that come up last night?

"And you came here to… give me a drink?"

He nods. A light breeze ruffles the collar of his shirt. His smile tugs a little bit higher on his handsome face.

Well, then. That smile is dangerous.

Shouto waits patiently as you get called to deliver the basket of oranges you're clutching for dear life. He hovers at the side of your stall, looking woefully out of place in his bucket hat and crisp, clean clothes. You can feel a streak of dirt along your cheek and your clothes are all dusty, but every time you glance back at him, he's looking at you steadily and completely unabashedly.

It's embarrassing, but you can't deny the little thrill that shoots to your toes every time you meet his gaze. "Todoroki-san, you really don't need to wait here," you say, slipping back to him during another lull in customers. "Thank you for the milk tea, though! It's my favorite."

Shouto blinks slowly as he observes you. The scrutiny does nothing to help your nerves — it takes two tries to pop the can open, and Shouto looks endlessly amused the whole time. "I would like to wait for you," he says. A pause. You bring the can up to your lips for a sip. "And you may call me Shouto. I appreciated the way you said it last night."

You choke on your drink.

The way you said it last night — gasping into his ear, moaning into his steadily fraying kisses — oh, jeez. "Ah, fuck," you blurt out, eyes widening with horror at the stray flecks of tea you've splattered on his shirt.

"It is alright," Shouto says. He pats at the small spots delicately with his sleeve and then seems to deem it unimportant. You blink as he looks up at you from beneath messy bangs. "Are you feeling… well?"

What a question. What a look. Does he know how lethally attractive he is? You take a very careful sip of your drink. "I'm… sore."

Shouto hums in response and carefully begins rolling up the sleeves of his button up. You watch, mesmerized, as the corded muscles of his forearms and biceps flex with the sure movement. You take a slow sip of your drink with wide eyes as he finishes and sets his hands on his hips. "Let me help."

Jeez, the shoulders on this guy. You can't help staring at the breadth of him as he comes around the table and into your space. A breeze of minty cool air washes over you with the movement and suddenly your brain catches what he's said.

"W-wait, Todoroki-san," you yelp, setting your can down and reaching for him. He continues bending for the large crate by your feet, hefting it up with barely any effort at all, and you're caught standing there holding onto the edge of his shirt. "Todoroki-san, you don't need to help!"

"Call me Shouto," he says. You gape up at him uselessly. "I would not want you to injure yourself because I made you sore."

"I — you — Todoroki-san," you huff, tugging even harder on his shirt. Shouto pouts and moves to bring the crate to the small truck parked behind your stall. You're forced to follow him, wary of accidentally messing up his shirt even more, though you feel a little dazed with his pout etching itself into your brain.

"This goes here?" Shouto asks. You nod wordlessly, still processing the cutest fucking pout you've ever seen on a grown man. "Would you like to hold my hand instead, love?"

Whoa, what?

Shouto sets the crate in place and dusts off his hands before reaching down to very gently detach your death grip on his shirt. You should get your hearing checked. You're clearly hearing things, because the hottest man you've seen in your entire life couldn't have possibly just called you 'love'.

"Love?" you repeat.

Shouto's lithe fingers squeeze around yours briefly. "Would you prefer a different pet name? I recall you mentioning that you liked that one."

You snap your jaw shut. "I… did…" you say slowly. But you said that to your regular, the other bucket hat wearer, the guy who always came wearing a face mask for pollen and dark sunglasses and that exact same bucket hat that you've… never seen anywhere else…

Several things fall into place at once. You stare up at Shouto with slowly mounting horror.

"Todoroki-san, are you… Helpless Produce Guy?"

Shouto laughs. Oh. Oh, you're so stupid. That's the laugh that's plagued your dreams every day for months as you've nursed your silly crush on the worst grocery shopper you've known. "So that is what you call me."

"I've never met someone more hopeless about buying fruit and vegetables," you say blankly. "I remember teaching you how to choose carrots the other day. I can't believe this. I've been teaching you how to pick watermelon for ages and I never knew your name or face. Just that bucket hat."

"Oi, Icyhot," a rough voice suddenly speaks up from behind the two of you, and you spin around to find yourself face to face with a spiky blonde guy who is undoubtedly a hero if the huge, bulky muscles are any indication. He's wearing a face mask and sunglasses, but he's got several reusable tote bags stuffed to the brim with leafy greens and potatoes and apples hanging off his arms.

"If you don't finish flirting with your new partner soon, I'm not gonna teach you how to make my famous curry recipe," the newcomer says. Shouto seems unfazed, simply tugging you closer with your intertwined hands. "Didn'tcha say you wanted to impress 'em?"

"I believe they are impressed," Shouto says evenly, glancing down at you with the ghost of a smile flitting across his lips. "I am helping because they are sore."

It's just the slightest emphasis on "sore", but it makes you itch to kiss that stupidly handsome smug smile off his face. "I'm fine," you say.

"Gross," the other man says decisively. You snort as he spins around and stomps off to look at a particularly enticing basket of celery stalks.

"Sorry, Todoroki-san, I promise I don't call you 'Helpless Produce Guy' that often," you say.

Shouto squeezes your hand. Warmth tingles up your arm and melts your heart into giddy mush. "I don't forgive you." You gape at him. He tugs you a little closer. "I will not forgive you until you agree to call me by my name."

Is he serious? The slight wrinkle in his brow makes you think… yes.

"That's… I don't know if I can," you blush.

Shouto hums. "Then you may call me your 'boyfriend' until I can remind you how to say my name."

Holy moly. This guy.

"Alright, boyfriend," you cannot say it without ducking your head. Almost immediately, his long fingers tip your chin back up. "Are you secretly a five star gourmet chef and you've just been acting like you've never seen a basket of strawberries before?"

Shouto cracks a tiny grin that pierces your heart. "I assure you, the produce help was invaluable. However, I frequent your stall the most because I find you… lovely."

Oh, dear.

"I do not wish for our relationship to remain limited to your stall at the farmer's market," he continues, as if he isn't blowing your mind with every word out of his perfect mouth. "Hence, why I could not help but approach you when I realized we were both at that izakaya last night."

"And you… knew it was me. Even though I didn't have my work apron."

"You were telling your friends about Helpless Produce Guy," Shouto says drily. "I had a feeling I knew the subject — but yes, I would recognize you anywhere."

"Jeez, Shouto," you breathe. Those dichromatic eyes widen a fraction before narrowing as you take a step closer to him. "I didn't realize… where are your sunglasses and mask?"

He pats the front pocket of his button down assuredly. "I am prepared."

You cast a quick glance around. Your coworkers are handling the stall well, and fruits are practically flying off the shelves as Shouto's friend gives a lecture to a captive audience about the importance of fresh fruits and vegetables in a healthy diet. The two of you are tucked out of view, mostly hidden behind the truck.

"And this…" you gesture between the two of you with your free hand. "We're… dating?"

Shouto nods solemnly, but there's a sparkle in his eyes. "Yes, my love. You make my heart beat berry fast."

Your lips twitch before you can help it. "No."

"I think we make a good pear," he says. "I find you very a-peel-ing."

You burst into giggles and Shouto tugs you into his firm chest. The sturdy, steadily increasing heartbeat beneath your ear isn't quite loud enough to drown out your own rapidly leaping pulse.

"If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple," he says into your ear. You shudder lightly at the low, even tone but snort at his deadpan delivery, soft as it is. "Is this okay? You said once that you liked these puns."

"I do," you nod. "And I'd love to date you. Since you have a peach of my heart."

"Good," he murmurs. You tip your head up to look at him and beam at the gentle blush rising on his cheeks. Shouto leans down to press a careful kiss to your lips, drawing back after a moment with a shaky breath. "I was running out of lines."

"Don't you mean you were running out of limes?" you snicker.

Shouto stares. And then, still with that soft, deadpan tone — "Every day with you will be mangonificent."

[undercoverbisexualfrog]

Foot Clan incorrect quotes pt 2

Turns out I was bothered

Anton: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us. Xever: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both.

Tiger Claw: Here’s the cold medicine you asked for.  Tiger Claw: *dumps 3 shopping bags of vodka on the table*  Ivan: ...Thanks. 

Xever: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

Anton: Ivan, do you love me?  Ivan: Of course I do!  Anton: Would you still love me if I did something bad?  Ivan: Well, of course I… would…  Anton: I mean something really, really—  Ivan: Anton, what did you do?

Anton: So, Baxter is late today. Anyone wanna bet why?  Anton: I say they slipped through the subway grate and is having terrible sex with the mole man.  Ivan: I don't know about that...I think either their alarm clock didn't go off, or they're in line at the bank.  Chris: Take this more seriously! Baxter was clearly taken in their sleep!  Tiger Claw: I bet they tucked themselves into the bed too tightly and got stuck.  Xever: Maybe they fell into another dimension where they're more interesting...?  *Baxter arrives*  Baxter: Sorry I'm late - there was a problem at the bank.  Ivan, clapping their hands in excitement:HOT DAMN! 

Anton: I put the pun in punishment.  Tiger Claw: I put the top in unstoppable.  Baxter: I put the cute in execute.  Xever: I put the sexy in dyslexia.  Chris: I put the ass in class.  Ivan: I put the D in Anton. 

Ivan: I like your top, Xever!  Chris: I have a name, you know.  Xever: *sighs* Why. Why are you like this.

Tiger Claw: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled. 

Baxter: I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood.  Baxter: I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040, and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong. And the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404".  Baxter: And I actually laughed out loud.

Baxter: Time sensitive question how flirt boy.  Xever: Throw rocks at he.  Chris: Hot Dogs.  Tiger Claw: Kill him.  Baxter: Thanks guys.

Tiger Claw: We call that a traumatic experience.  Tiger Claw, turning to Anton: Not a "bruh moment".  Tiger Claw, turning to Ivan: Not "sadge".  Tiger Claw, turning to Xever: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".

Ivan: Now, the recipe calls for 2 shots of vodka.  Ivan: *upends the bottle* 

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*  Tiger Claw: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.  Everyone:  Baxter: ...I did. I broke it.  Tiger Claw: No. No you didn't. Chris?  Chris: Don't look at me. Look at Xever.  Xever: What?! I didn't break it.  Chris: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?  Xever: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.  Chris: Suspicious.  Xever: No, it's not!  Ivan: If it matters, probably not, but Anton was the last one to use it.  Anton: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!  Ivan: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?  Anton: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Ivan!  Baxter: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Tiger Claw.  Tiger Claw: No! Who broke it!?  Everyone:  Ivan: Tiger Claw... Chris’s been awfully quiet.  Chris: rEALLY?!  *Everyone starts arguing*  Tiger Claw, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.  Tiger Claw: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.  Tiger Claw:  Tiger Claw: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here. 

Ivan: Regular soda is too sweet!  Anton: Diet soda has a weird after taste!  Ivan: No! Ugh, oh my god. Diet soda is THE BEST! It doesn't have sugar! It's SPICY!  Anton: It has other weird stuff in it! I'll take REGULAR sugar in my REGULAR soda!  Ivan: It's SO SWEET like it's a dessert though! Diet feels more like a drink!  Anton: I'm going to physically attack you.  Ivan: Which is better, Tiger Claw?  Tiger Claw: Oh, I usually drink water!  Anton: Wha- NO!  Ivan: DISGUSTING!

Chris: You know you can die from that, right?  Ivan: *smoking a cigarette* That’s the point.  Xever: *drinking alcohol* We’re trying to speed this up.  Baxter: *Eating raw cookie dough and nodding*

Baxter: You know, Anton, when you generalize, you tell general… lies. Anton: … Anton: Are you trying to teach me moral lessons through puns.

TC: Who do we know that has handcuffs?  Anton: Well Ivan and I-  Ivan: *elbows Anton*  Anton: ...wouldn't know.

TC: Get in, loser, we’re committing vehicular manslaughter!

Anton, bursting into the room: You two are having sex!  Xever, not looking up from their book:Really? Chris, why didn’t you tell me? I would have put my book down.

Chris, texting in the group chat: I wonder what Apple shots would look like?  Ivan: *Sends a picture of of a syringe with an apple slice shoddily edited inside*  Baxter: *Sends a picture of a shot glass with an Apple poorly drawn inside*  Anton: *Sends picture of person dunking a Basketball into the hoop but replaced the basketball with a poorly resized apple*  Chris: I hate all of you.

Anton: Ivan and I were crossing the street, and this man drove by and honked at us.  TC: What did you do?  Anton: They chased him to the next red light, and reached into his window, and-  Ivan: *walking in* Who wants a steering wheel?

Chris: Is it still visible? Where Xever slapped me?  Ivan: Your face looks like a don't walk signal.  TC: Your face looks like a photo negative for the hamburger helper box.  Baxter: A palm reader could tell Xever's future by looking at your face.  Anton: The phrase 'talk to teh hand cause the face ain't listening' doesn't work for you, because the hand is your face.  Chris: ...A simple 'yes' would've sufficed.

Anton: What are you planning to do?  Chris: Hey, now. "Planning"?! Do you KNOW who you're talking to?!

Anton: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff.  Chris: I witnessed the dumb stuff.  Xever: I recorded the dumb stuff.  Ivan: I joined you in the dumb stuff.  TC: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!

Baxter: *tapping fingers on table*  Anton: *taps fingers back furiously*  Xever: …What’s going on?  Ivan: Morse code. They’re talking.  Baxter: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … -  Anton: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Ivan: What are you getting Xever for the holidays?  Chris: I don't know. It's kind of hard buying a gift for your partner when they already got everything they could've ever wanted when they married you. So I'm not sure yet.  Baxter: I'm getting Xever a divorce lawyer.

[fate-gay-order]

Would it be okay to ask for a pan phantom of the opera? :Oc (absolutely loving this blog and your edits look so good like 👀)

Aw, thank you so much! One Pan-tom of the opera coming right up!