#the subtle signs of autism and the even subtler signs of repressed trauma beneath that. fucking christ
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finished how not to die alone by richard roper and I have Thoughts but all of them put me on the verge of tears
#the way I understood andrew perfectly. the weight of a lie that has snowballed and the grief behind it#obv nothing quite like what happened to him happened to me (this is a spoiler free vent post thank you) but still#that one line in the beginning still fucking haunts me#it was like#''after a long day andrew sits in his dark room and talks to his friends on the forum. this is everything he was waiting for.''#''this is everything.''#(obv written better but i can only fit so much in a tag)#THE DOUBLE MEANING BEHIND THAT#he is content and relaxed to be home and alone and able to indulge in his interests. but that is all he has#im going to fucking vomit#that book caught me off guard so many times and each one felt like i was being killed#richard roper. shaking you and shaking you and shaking you#i said spoiler free so it will remain spoiler free#but something about andrew's anxiety and regret and absolutely fucking horrendously suppressed grief hits way too close to home#the subtle signs of autism and the even subtler signs of repressed trauma beneath that. fucking christ#books with messages like this always make me nervous though#(the message being something akin to ''just do it'' and ''the longer you wait the more time you're wasting'')#and like. yes the message has good intentions but im a fucked up 20 year old who gets EXPONENTIALLY more suicidal#when i begin to think that i will be left behind because i adjust too slowly for everything else#haha! crying now#will abandon these tags post haste#anyway i liked it a lot. 9/10
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