#the specific thing this is vagueing is like yes! please lowkey call that person out but not for being a dsmp fan???

[trash-bin-ary]

I always forget that there’s people that actually hate everyone that likes dsmp, noooo you don’t get it there’s nuance! A lot of the creators Suck and there were Bad parts of the fandom but then there was the good parts and there was love! The love was there, doesn’t that matter!

[rataltouille]

GEOMETRY OF THE HOLY MOON (1 AM): A SHORT STORY

GENRE: surrealism, literary fiction.

POV & TENSE: this little space is not enough for how wild the form is so i talk about this later!!

SETTING: a small desi village, 1924-25.

TONE: dreamy, unsettling, melancholic.

THEMES: faith vs reality, how people perceive others and how they perceive themselves, grief dealt the wrong way.

AESTHETICS: the splash of water on a quiet night, thick clouds obscuring the sky, rippling the moon’s reflection on the water. the intensity of a garden in spring, the emptiness of a dying town, the suffocation from being singled out. hands grazing lightly but never fully held. a lingering sadness behind your laugh. believing in things you shouldn't believe in. putting faith on a starless sky.

STAGE: completed first draft, 4085 words.

LOGLINE: a young boy, surrounded by loss, claims to talk to god. the story follows him and his conversations with this god, all while his village spies on him as he weaves his way around the two most crucial and lonely years of his life.

LITERAL LOGLINE: on today’s news let’s talk about a small backward town that hates sad little boys who worship god, even though the place is lowkey a cult!!

CHARACTERS:

THE SUMMER BOY: he’s around thirteen, and he’s very emotionally attached to his past. he lost his family at a young age to an unstable force, so he spends his time talking to himself. he’s a quiet, demure and sweet person, always willing to help others. he’s outwardly oblivious and sees only the good in people to a point where he doesn't understand when they’re trying to do him wrong. but! considering how the story [like a lot of my others] has themes of perception vs reality, it needs to be said that he isn't all that innocent. he’s rather impulsive and rash, never afraid of hurting himself [and thus accidentally harming others].

A GOD: is he real? do we even know if he’s an actual god? a very elusive figure despite having a lot of screentime. he’s a surprisingly humanised character and arguably the one with the most empathy. he has a soft spot for the boy and the two have a deep bond which is not common for a human and a god to have. you don’t get insight to what the other gods are like, but they’re implied to exist. this story has a very messy and hazy view towards religion and godhood and their nature towards humanity, and this vague figure, a dreamlike character, is proof enough of that.

THE VILLAGE: okay so in general these people suck. the village consists of, well, the village, but they’re very fluid in the way they appear in the story? as in for the most part they appear as a collective, a unit. one character, the summer boy’s “friend”, is somewhat separate considering he’s a pretty important character. it’s very hard describing this unit of a character but essentially they’re the main antagonistic force and they hate the protagonist for seemingly no reason.

WHAT GOES DOWN:

sometime around this time, the boy chances upon meeting his “god”, this being who lives up in the clouds and whom he talks with often, except you don't know if this god is real or not. that’s one of the recurring themes of this story: what’s real and what isn’t. it’s :) a fun time :) for sure :)

essentially Things Happen And It Only Gets Weirder. i cannot even try describing what happens because it’s all very spoilery but let’s just say that this is a very sad story but not even in a “this makes me cry” manner, but rather in a “this is so fucked up wtf why”. the prose of this is very, very hazy and thick, in a manner that’s both smooth and suffocating. there’s also a lot of moon and water imagery which we love. i love the atmosphere + the setting—colonial india— as it’s a subtle but key element to the plot.

FORM:

OKAY YES be prepared for the true colours of how unhinged i am. i apologize for the form brainrot.

POV: so in this story i really said “what if it had all three of the main povs... jk jk... unless 😳😳” and then proceeded to use all three povs. you’re probably wondering, how did i do that? WHY did i do that? and my answer to that is: 🙂

the first-person pov: the summer boy narrates in first person. his pov takes up about 40% of the story, and this is where we unlock family backstory + how he feels about the various forces playing into his life. he’s an extremely unreliable narrator and he knows it; his narration oscillates between very naive and very self-aware, and this effect is pretty disconcerting. the summer boy is kind of a walking contradiction and we love that conflict.

the second-person pov: a god narrates in second person. his pov takes around 20% of the story, and his scenes all involve his conversations with the boy. his pov is extremely detached, and suspends belief because he seems awfully made up. there’s an edge to the prose in his narration, where you know that something's off, but you can’t exactly pinpoint what.

the third-person pov: the villagers narrate, either as a collective, or as an individual figure, in third person. they take up the other 40% of the story, and there are so many different people and differing opinions with this, and every time we read a third person excerpt it’s a different person, and this is mostly used to add onto the different ways in which the boy is perceived. this is also where the structural part of the form gets really wacky.

STRUCTURE: if my story isn't told in vignettes is it my story though /j. gothm is told in vignettes, each one between 50 to 500 words. the first and second person bits are normal-ish vignettes, with straightforward narration. the third person vignettes, on the other hand, are super assorted. we have a lot of epistolaric sections— there’s a letter, a folk song [which was found around the summer boy], and most of the conversation is told as just plain dialogue without tags. there’s also a phone call transcript, and finally some normal chunks of prose. what am i doing wtf.

also to add onto this the story is told non-linearly. 😀 the only thing that keeps me from going insane is the fact that there are chronological tags before most vignettes [also the manner in which they're tagged differs from pov to pov. for example a few of the third person conversations are marked just as “sunday” or “thursday”, while the summer boy’s narration is marked with the full date and year]

in all this clownery i completely forgot to mention what the tense was [the way everything else was so complicated that i forgot tense was a thing lmao] and good news!! it’s the only sane thing about this story!! it’s told fully in present tense. thank everything.

AN EXCERPT:

okay i’m once again not sharing much because this will be submitted to litmags 🧞

[The boy is scrawny as always. He carries an air of diswant— even death had rejected him when the plague killed only his grandmother— but walks like he doesn’t notice. He smiles at them, jitters, and wipes his hand across his knees. Blood comes away in thin, translucent lines. He saves it on the kerchief he keeps tucked in his shirt, careful to dirty the cloth even more. The villagers scrunch their noses in disgust; who knew how old and rotten the kerchief was, or how long it had carried blood like the unwashed sword of a warrior?]

also by the way this excerpt is in square brackets because it is a third-person interjection in a vignette that is otherwise first-person [at this point...]

SPARE THOUGHTS:

this was inspired by a conversation i had with my grandfather, where he was telling me about how people used to sing songs to the skies, as a way of devotion to a specific god. he used the [loose translation of] the english word “yearning” to refer to the emotion the singers would invoke, and that sparked the concept of a disillusioned young boy who talks to the moon as a way to please the god he’s in love with. it’s a very softly disconcerting story and once again deals with the theme of “perception vs reality” which if you know me and my work, is the theme i’m forever obsessed with.

i really like how this turned out? the atmosphere is exactly how i wanted it to be, and there’s so much i have to add on as i edit and i’m really looking forward to that. this is also the only short story i’ve written where i knew which litmag i’d love for it to be published in? like i never write things with publishing in mind, but for some reason while writing this story it occurred to me that it would be a perfect fit for this specific magazine and i love that. anyway if you’ve made it through the post till here,,,, bless you and your braincells. and that’s all for today!!

[theepisceswriter]

300 MILESTONE WRITING EVENT. (CLOSED, BUT REGULAR REQUESTS ARE OPEN)

OMG HI BESTIES, I recently gained 300 besties and I can’t even begin to tell y’all how thankful I am for all the love and support all of you have given me in this short amount of time that I’ve owned my blog. I thought I was going to be a flop lowkey but you all proved me wrong LMAO. So to show my appreciation for you all, I decided to finally do a milestone event like I was supposed to do a long time ago but shhhhh, don’t be shy to send in a request bestie! I promise I don’t bite unless you know you’re into that kind of stuff 🙈 

MASTERLIST (tba once the first requests is complete or I get a couple of requests) 

 HOW THIS EVENT WILL WORK 

♡ listed below underneath the readmore cut are 90 prompts  for you to choose from that are broken into categories (fluff, smut, angst, & crack) 

♡ You can send in one prompt or mix and match them together along with a character of your choice, two characters for a ménage a trois situation if you want to be extra, or a character x character request 

♡ You can be as descriptive or as vague as you want with your request. 

♡ For example: “prompt number 13 (or the prompt by itself) + prompt 31 for Jean & scout!reader after he thinks you’ve died while in a battle but the two of you reunite later on” or just “Prompt 19 for Shigure Sohma” and even request who you want to say the prompt!

♡ In return I’ll write you a drabble based off the request that varies from 500-1k words. 

Requests specifically for this milestone event are open until 04/25/21 or until I say they close because I’m lowkey terrible at putting a time restriction on things. 

 WHAT FANDOMS THIS EVENT IS OPEN TO 

♡ ATTACK ON TITAN 

♡ JUJUTSU KAISEN 

♡ BLEACH 

♡  FRUITS BASKET 

♡  DEVILS LINE 

♡  FIRE FORCE 

♡  DEATH NOTE 

♡  JOJO’S BIZARRE ADVENTURE 

And any other animes/mangas mentioned in my rules post, even the ones in my currently reading/watching list, but the ones listed up above are the main ones.

PROMPTS LIST 

 FLUFF 

1. " hey, so... i know you haven't been feeling great, so i picked up a few of your favorite snacks, drinks... "

2.“ wait , did you just say you love me? “

3." it's okay. i promise you, i will be here when you wake up. "

4." wow... you look... you look amazing. "

5." you're shivering. here, take my jacket. "

6. “ i love you. “

7. “ what? ME have a crush on YOU? whaaaaaat?! haha! what? pfft … shut up! “

8.“ jealous?! i’m not jealous! “

9.“ wow … your smile is breathtaking. “

10.“I want to be more than friends. “

11.“ let me take you out on a date. “

12. “   it  seems  that  you  get  impossibly  more  beautiful  every  single  day .   ”

13.“ so … do i get a goodnight kiss? “

14. “   i  notice  that  you  keep  looking  at  my  lips .   you’re  criminally  unsubtle .   ”

15. “   i  think  the  kids  are  awake  …   ”

16. “   i  ran  you  a  bath .   get  in  it .   ”

17. “   there’s  no  greater  blessing  than  looking  at  my  child   &   seeing  your  eyes .   ”

18. “   let’s  just  get  in  the  car   &   drive  somewhere .   anywhere .   ”

19. “   i  just  can’t  believe  that  you’re  mine ,   now .   ”

20. “   no ,   you’re  not  going  anywhere .   you  have  a  fever .   ”

21. “   every  time  i  wake  up   &   you’re  there  next  to  me ,   i  wonder  if  i’m  still  dreaming .   ”

22. “  i think i might be in love with you.  ”

23. “ i love you, every part of you. even the parts you don’t like. ”

24. “  you know, if you moved in we wouldn’t keep having to say goodbye like this.  ”

25.“Come watch the sunset with me.”

 SMUT 

26. “i’ve been waiting all day…”

27. “can i come yet? Please let me cum.”

28. “you have to be quiet if you want to cum.”

29.“ wow … you’re hot when you’re angry. “

30. “i want you to touch yourself for me.”

31. “just shut up and fuck me.”

32. “i’m gonna fuck you until you beg me to stop.”

33. “i want you to forget everything and everyone else but me.”

34. “make me.”

35. “they’re gonna catch us—”

36. “You’re beautiful when you’re all flushed and wanting.”

37. “You can be rough with me, I won’t break.”

38. “Did you touch yourself, thinking of me?”

39. “Please, please, touch me.”

40. “I want to bury my face between your thighs.”

41. “You can beg better than that, I think.”

42. “Ride me. Slowly, that’s it.”

43. “Come taste yourself on my fingers.”

44. “are you gonna be good for me?”

45. “did you just yawn?”

46. “how much do you want to cum?”

47. “you sound so pretty when you moan”

48. “tell me you’re mine”

49. “I’m going to put a baby in you tonight.”

50. “Is this your first time doing anything?”

ANGST 

51.“ please just … leave me alone. “

52. “ i don’t love you. “

53.“  you don’t have to talk, we can just sit together.  ” 

54. “ stop trying to fix me.  ”

55. “  you’re right, you are a monster.  ”

56. “  loving you is killing me. ”

57.  “ you’re bleeding! ”

58. “  why can’t i be enough? ”

59. “  just stay still. let me hold you. ”

60. “  if you’re so intent on going down this path, then i’m coming with you. ”

61. “  i miss the way you used to smile at me. ”

62. “  i need to know that you’ll be okay. if something happens to me… ”

63. “  why won’t you just let me go? i’m not worth it. ”

64. “  please don’t go. ”

65. “There are more lives at stake here than the ones you care about! What gives you the right to decide that one person’s life weighs more than countless others?”

66. “I miss the old you.”

67.“I wish we knew each other sooner.”

68. “  even when you smile, your eyes are still sad.  ”

69. “Promise me you’ll find me in our next lifetime.”

70. “ don’t do that— don’t shut down on me. let me in.  ”

71. “ why aren’t you scared of me?  ”  

72. “ would you kill for me?  ”

73. “  i don’t like the way they look at you. perhaps i’ll cut their eyes out.  ”

74. “  yes. i killed them— but i did it for you.  ”

75. “I think I’m pregnant.”

 CRACK

76." what in the actual fuckily duckily. "

77." how do they know an animal is extinct like?? you looked everywhere?? "

78." why is it called creepypasta and not fettucine afraido? "

79." no offense to myself but what the fuck am i actually doing. "

80.“ … why does this card say ‘ happy 3rd birthday ‘? “

81." ted just be letting anyone talk. "

82." i wonder when the bermuda triangle stopped working. not a lot of drama there anymore. "

83." no wonder the ice caps are melting, i'm fucking HOT! "

84. “crying is very punk,  trust me,  i do it all the time  and i am a punk.  ”

85. “your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this friendship apart.  ”

86. “  what do you mean a thesaurus isn’t a dinosaur? ”

87. “  i’m not interested in being polite or heterosexual.  ”

88.“It’s probably the Illuminati anyways.”

89. “ you’re lucky you’re cute. ”

90. “ Might just headbutt the wall and knock myself the fuck out.”

91. “You deserves the world but all i can give you is my anxiety and depression.”

[justkpopjokes]

Found You || OnlineRival!Felix

AU: online gamer friends + college + rivals to lovers

Anon: know it's a common au cliché but I've been craving some college au's of felix, maybe enemies to lovers ?? but enemies in a playful, competitive sense of course. I'll leave this vague so that you have more creative freedom, idc if you write in para. style or bullet point, I'll eat up anything you write skskj

A/N: I HAVE RETURNED!! Hope you enjoy this anon~ still can’t believe you’ve been following me since 2017 oml

If anyone else has lowkey specific requests for skz I’ll take them!! It can be any type/medium(?) of writing lol I just don’t want to write elaborate plots rn

You’ve been playing this video game recently

(I’ve been playing Valorant lol so I’m basing this off of that)

you’ve been playing solo for a bit

One afternoon, you match with a nice team that’s doing well

it’s a good game; you’re pretty evenly matched

you end up the last player standing, win a round for your team, & they applaud you for it!

But then—ohoho and then—

—you hear the deepest freakin Australian accent on voice chat

saying “ayy nice!!”

you say a polite thank you back to him

meanwhile the other people on your team are like

“holy crap bro your voice is low af!”

you get to hear this boy speak for longer lol

His username is #1Aboji or BrownieBoi915 or smth idk so you call him Brownie

and y’all get to talking lol

you send him a friend request on a whim because he seems nice

he accepts, sends you a party invite, and you play a few games together!!

Over the course of a couple months, you play together every time you’re online at the same time

(which is often bc ur timezones happen to be the same hehe)

It’s funny because although you’re friendly with each other, you’re competitive af LMAO

most of your games are spent competing for who can get more kills and who can be MVP of the team/entire match

it’s friendly competition but competition nonetheless

eventually he asks for your Tumblr/Twitter/whatever so y’all can chat a bit more :D

his @ can still be @/BrownieBoi915 lol

Brownie’s fun and you share some interests!!

your music tastes are similar too, so he sends you song recommendations, then you yell about them

You’ve been chatting a lot and reply to each others’ posts/tweets often, especially when you’re just posting about weird sh!t happening in your life

But one day… you post about something that happened at your college

something like “icb this ajlsdhf there’s this girl in one of my classes and she just sCALED THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING SO SHE WOULDN’T BE LATE TO CLASS”

less than a minute later you get a text:

“AHJKFLDSA WAIT YOUR MOST RECENT TWEET—

DO YOU MEAN VANESSA??”

and then

wAIT THAT’S BROWNIE TEXTING

HE KNOWS VANESSA?!?!?

So, naturally, you text him back

Then Brownie gets you to agree to another silly competition:

see who could identify the other first on campus!!

the 1 rule is that you have to find each other in-person

(there is a 2nd rule that you can’t ask exactly where the other person is, but that’s pretty obvious lol)

But because of the main rule, occasionally you’ll get a vague text like

Brownie: “Hey are you wearing a red flannel right now”

You: “No I’m not even outside lmao”

Brownie: “Dammit I thought I felt the vibes”

It’s a nice lil challenge because the only thing you know about Brownie is that he identifies as a guy and has an Australian accent

(but that may be unimportant depending on where you live lmao)

meanwhile the only things he knows about you are random details, your voice, and that you have a class with Vanessa lol

And it’s FUN!!

but you both start to get suuuuper competitive

mostly because of the 1 rule

there have literally been times you’ve probably found Brownie when you hear an Australian accent in the distance

however he always leaves before you can get to him, so it doESN’T COUNT GDI

Brownie tho lmao—he’s always putting on his detective hat and trying to track you down on campus

whenever he’s chilling after class he asks for where you are generally

he’ll ask you “Hey wyd”

You: “Studying”

Brownie: “In the library?”

You: “…Yes”

then he starts to narrow down where you could be based on less-specific questions

Of course, that’s not the only thing you text him about

you’ve grown pretty close to Brownie

the competition has helped with that!!

and ofc you still play that game together lol

Honestly, you really want to meet him

he’s just super charming + considerate

Also he mentioned he likes baking

you suggested “we should bake together!!”

Brownie: “Gotta find me first ;)))”

so,,, yeah you daydream about baking with Brownie

you really want to know his name

I mean, c’mon, you’ve gotten his phone number at this point, but you still can’t find him??

it’s starting to get frustrating

to the point where he can hear the frustration through your texts

HIS NAME IS FELIX!!

YOU HAVE A NAME TO WORK OFF OF NOW!!!!

That small piece of information motivates you for the rest of the week

you give Felix your name in return, but he insists that neither of you should ask around for each other

(you can’t ask your friends if they know someone named Felix

but if you hear someone say “Felix” while you’re out and about, that works)

you’re still unable to find him for some time, but knowing Felix’s name makes you feel closer to him

You can’t video call Felix but you normally call him at least once a week

after knowing him for at least half a year, you get this warm feeling in your chest every time his name pops up on the top of your phone

One of your phone calls sounds something like this:

Felix: “Hey, y/n?”

You: “Yes?”

Felix: “Do you want to go out for lunch? I mean, once we find each other.”

You: “As in a date?”

Felix: “Yeah—I mean, if that’s okay!”

You: “Yes please!! So can you find me already istg 🙄”

Felix is itching to meet you too

…so he sends you a selfie

with a filter though! that way you don’t see his entire face

you send him 1 in return (also with a filter)

Felix immediately says ��aww ur cute uwu”

and your heart m e l t s

you’d think, hey maybe that’ll help me find him

SPOILERS it doesn’t really help lmao

Your close friends really want to help lmao because they’ve been hearing about this “Brownie” boy you like

however, you & Felix are adamant of winning this competition because the person who wins doesn’t need to pay for your 1st lunch date lol

It’s the last Friday afternoon before you have a week-long holiday, when you’re hanging out in front of one of your friend’s classes to pick them up

you’re standing outside the building chatting with one of your other friends when your phone starts ringing in your pocket

other friend is like “ooOOOH is it brownie boy??”

You: “Oh yeah rip he’s probably calling because I missed some of his texts, give me a moment."

You’re about to pick up when the call drops

so you’re like ?? bruh what and are about to unlock your phone to see what Felix’s texts are about

That’s when you feel a tap on your shoulder

and a low Australian voice behind you says your name

your head whips around to find this cute face with freckles and a giant smile on his face

“Felix?!?”

“Heh, I found you~”

Dude doesn’t hesitate to hug you, pick you up, then spin you around

your friend is watching with a goofy smile but he doesn’t care

after he finally puts you down, you cup his face with both your hands

“The filters always hide your freckles… they’re like stars, Lix”

instead of a lunch date, Felix takes you out for dinner :DD

even though you lost he insists on paying :’))

your friends don’t even care that you’re ditching them ajlkfdhs they literally push you away to go eat with Felix lmao

and you return home with that warm feeling in ur heart still there

needless to say, he will arrange another date so he can bring you some homemade brownies

he is the brownie boy after all!!

[clumsyclifford]

hello!! i am back and on desktop this time. the blog is just as pretty. alex + yellow = v v attractive jfc. this is a long one so buckle in.

to begin: i hope you have the most fun on your day road trip and sing your heart out to atl and taylor swift. i love driving long distances and idk just driving in general is fun. have the absolute best time MWAH

my birthday is in november!! november 23 to be specific. i share it with miley cyrus which is something i always found to be very cool when i was growing up and watching hannah montana. it also means i am a sagittarius and funny little fact i realized is that my best friend is a gemini. alex and jack are also a sagittarius and a gemini. from being 13 i know that tyler and josh from twenty one pilots are also a sagittarius and a gemini. something about sagittarius and gemini besties idk.

also yeah!! ao3 year in review!! it's a bit complicated to figure out at first and if you read a lot the finding pages thing can be pretty tedious, but it's def worth it once you figure it out. it gives you a lot of different stats about everything you read and it's pretty cool. now i am going to go look at your fics to remember my favs. you deserve the praise so i am willing to offer it. jeez you write a lot i respect the motivation sm. you write quite a bit of angst and i won't lie i try to stay away from angst so i haven't read your fics that seem super angst-y based on the tags. BUT there are still so many i recall reading and loving nonetheless. on a quick scroll-through: i usually don't read high school AUs but "paint me in trust (i'll be your best friend)" was super adorable and lovely. "thank god i'm yours" is one of my favs iirc. also i love love love "it's not always easy (but i'm here forever)" like yes please romanticize alex gaskarth i love it sm. "i won't be silent (and i won't let go)" and "i fell asleep in a city that doesn't" are both super fluffy and romantic and are favs of mine. in case you haven't picked up on it i adore very fluffy and romantic fics lmao. alright i am continuing to scroll and there are so many more i could list that i love but this section is getting quite long. just know if it's about a kitchen or hotel rooms being for lovers i probably read it and adored it and that pov is so valid.

waterparks!! will not lie i only really started listening to them about 6 months ago having been distantly aware of their existence for several years by being a fan of bands in the same genre. listen as long as you let yourself be vaguely annoyed by awsten is prevents you from being in love with him. follow him on any social media platform for like a day and you'll be sick of him typing in nothing but all caps within hours. simply do not romanticize him and you can keep yourself from falling!! so this is coming from a slightly fake parx fan, but some of my favs by them have been peach (lobotomy), crave, numb, fuzzy, violet!, you'd be paranoid too, and lowkey as hell. that is a very songs-from-their-most-recent-album-heavy rec, but whatever. i did give the disclaimer about being a fake parx fan.

yeah hayley does have 2 solo albums now!! petals for armor and flowers for vases / descansos. pfa is the one i didn't really like upon first listen but has grown on me. i haven't even listened to the second one in its entirety oops but we won't mention it. dead horse is good but simmer (pretty sure that was the other single??) just ain't it for me. the album has some lovely songs but it's just a hit or miss album all the way through. some favs of mine on it include pure love, taken, crystal clear, watch me while i bloom, and why we ever. it's sorta a storyline album about healing if that adds anything to it?? but anyways. i started listening to paramore around the time after laughter dropped and it grew to be one of my fav albums in existence. idle worship is probably one of my fav songs like ever. i def understand being slightly put off by bands with songs that make religious references (me with twenty one pilots' earlier music that makes a lot more religious references considering i'm not religious whatsoever) but i think i am blinded by being in love with hayley williams and just ignore it. idk that she's like super religious?? she's addressed believing in god and stuff a few times but she's def not the "rub it in your face" type and if she's making refs in music more recently then they're subtle enough i'm not noticing them. ik albums like brand new eyes had a lot more because it was shortly after that the band split and the songwriting process was essentially her and ex-bandmate co-songwriter arguing about their religious beliefs (turns out he ended up being super homophobic and transphobic all based on his religion so do with that what u will and thank the clown for leaving). i feel u on the "i meant to start listening to them" because that's essentially how i started listening to them. i told myself i was going to and then finally forced myself to do it. fuck falling for awsten knight what's more risky is falling in love with hayley </3

also yeah!! you've articulated my feelings towards tde. every song is so vastly different that it's hard to like it all. #1 fan is pretty decent though, and that's not just my bias about finding both ross and his gf hot and a cute couple and getting to see them together and ross half naked in a mirror in the video nope not at all. he's my fav himbo!! he has no personality!! no thoughts head empty!! i still love him and his strawberry-growing saga on twitter tho <3 the hazard of being in love with ross lynch since i was 12. girlfriend better be a fucking banger and there's quite a few already released singles in the tracklist so i have hope. i believe my show is in chicago on november 19 which is a thursday. kinda sucks since i intentionally bought the chicago tix nearly two years ago (the show was originally supposed to be april 25 2020. lol.) because the show was on a saturday and i have to drive 3 hours to get there. obviously i can't speak for them as tde but r5 shows always fucking slapped and i can vouch for them (realized i haven't seem them live since 2016?? 5 YEARS?? wtf) so if u genuinely like them. would recommend going to see them.

anyways. i have not listened to luke's solo album yet. i plan on it. this has gotten so long but i tried to respond in all areas and even organized it in different paragraphs this time (thanks being on desktop!!). hope you are well. hope you have a lovely day. hmm what's a little "going on in my life" fact. i got new glasses a few days ago and my eyes essentially said fuck off because adjusting to the new prescription has left me with eyes that hurt and occasionally slightly nauseous. here is to hoping my eyes get their shit together. mwah LOVE YOU TOO - the other bella/cubs anon/idk

okay hi hello. i have put this off because holy hell it's long but let's do it. i am putting a cut because this whole thing is long even without my answer

first: the road trip was super fun thank you!!! i am intrigued by this information regarding sags and geminis, we should do some scientific inquiry. enquiry. i don't know if there's a difference between those words.

aha! well i tried the ao3 year in review thing and i would say it had about 55% accuracy but still i agree it's fun to look back at that kind of stuff. and i feel you on the angst thing i go through phases of writing angst-heavy stuff and then writing very fluffy stuff and it is entirely based on my mental state buuuut i have lots of fluff and i'm glad you found it all and that you liked it yay <333 KITCHENS ARE FOR LOVERS i will die on that fuckin hill. hotel rooms as well but primarily kitchens.

dfgjhgdlfkhgdfmj honestly i dont use twitter enough that i would see his tweets enough that that would bother me also the fact that he tweets in all caps means that i just picture him yelling everything he tweets which i find absolutely hysterical so i don't think that would help. i have added these parx songs to my listen asap playlist and will get to them when i get a chance thank you i am excited also i already know lowkey as hell and it slaps super hard so im very much lookin forward to the rest of these. merci merci

YEAH simmer was the one i didnt vibe with. and honestly i feel zero compulsion to get into hayley williams as a solo artist. i just don't vibe enough to want to do that so i doubt i'll be listening to her anytime soon but maybe if i hear the songs in passing or get super bored one night, idk who can really say. but yeah christianity typically puts me off of music (speaking as a very jewish bitch) although there are notable exceptions in the cases of thomas rhett and the driver era. i'm just not attached to hayley enough to be like ehhh this doesnt matter. does that make sense

FAVORITE HIMBO PLEASE HGSDFGDFGKLFGJ i dont follow him on twitter but i have seen some interviews of ross and rocky and tbh they're great i love the way ross speaks like i like his speech mannerisms and i like his FACE and HAIR and. yeah. i think hes pretty. and i think he and 5sos SHOULD collab i think that would be sexy as hell. can you imagine that. oh my god can you imagine a ross lynch/luke hemmings collab. i'm not even really talking to you anymore bella because i know you haven't listened to luke yet and don't have a stake in it but if anyone else is reading this long ass answer. ross & luke collab. okay im going to move on and not think about that now. but i probably won't see tde unless i get a job this semester because i'm trying to stop spending so much money on big indulgent things like concerts likeee i was in a really good habit of not spending that much and then suddenly i got paid for one summer and i was just goin Crazy and i need to dial it back. plus i wanna see ajr and noah kahan equally bad so like. i have to make some calls about priorities here. it's Much to think about

good luck to your eyes i'm sure your new glasses are hella cute tho!!! LOVE YOUUUUUUU

[inexchangeforyoursoul]

.... I never put chapter 20 on here, did I. Double chapters it is. (20. Katja & 21. Once upon a dream)

this time with AN included as-is, I’m too lazy to rewrite this shit for the tumbler

(who even reads fanfics on here...? fanfiction.net AO3)

20. Katja

As he arrives in his room, Law takes a quick look at his alarm clock, then a deep, ragged breath immediately after... she's out loafing around again, isn't she. He's a little ticked off, not gonna lie; first of all, because of... this. She just keeps doing this. Which would be less of a problem if she'd show any progress, but she's not. Second, he's tired, terribly so. All sleep he's had today was the unplanned nap in the canteen early morning, and the ounce of patience he's gained from that has ran out. He's just about to leave the indifferent coma period behind where you can just keep going and going, until your emotions start to get hard to control. Even later, you become an actual zombie and eventually black out. In his own body, that would happen in about 24 hours from now, but in this one? Already there.

And the underlying source of it is that he's grown totally paranoid.

That's why he hasn't managed to get any shuteye. Or get anything else done. His own shadow spooked him once, for fuck's sake... and it's all because of that godforsaken alleyway adventure, which really drove home how utterly helpless and vulnerable he is at the moment. Deer in the fucking headlights. He's straight-up disgusted with himself.

He stomps up to the surface; anyone noticing him remains silent and makes sure to keep out. His crew knows this way of walking... and are not eager to provoke his thinly veiled ire.

He just came from the dining hall, she won't be there. On deck of the Polar Tang, nothing except so much light that his tired eyes may as well go blind right now. The dull headache that missed its appointment the other day just arrived uninvited, too... all it took was some natural light and fresh air. Glorious.

He climbs the rope ladder to the Sunny; noone's around the steering wheel, but he can hear, and see some people around; he goes straight up to them.

“Nico-ya,” he calls out from afar; “do you know where the hell she's at?”

“I'm... in heaven,” he hears right next to him as soon as he's finished talking. He stops in his tracks, looks, and sees... quite something, he supposes. It's throwing him for enough a loop to be more dumbfounded than pissed for the time being.

The bottom of the pile is a knocked-out Bepo; leaning onto him are Carrot, who's also out cold, and Kat, who has a very relaxed, leg-swinging Chopper in her lap. They all have a cup in their hand or lying around, just like Nami, Robin and his good-for-nothing crewmates a bit further away.

As he doesn't react fast enough past getting worked up again over them hogging his personal couch and a mouthed 'what the hell,' she speaks up again. “It's nice, warm and fluffy here~ Wanna join?”

… she's taunting him. Kat has no idea, but she's fucking taunting him right fucking now. Any other day or time, he'd gladly lean onto Bepo and have a damn good early afternoon nap, or any other kind of nap, really. But today is not the day. He'd love to, yes; it's the best fucking quality sleep he has access to. Usually. But because Bepo is wide awake from around 6pm to 7am, he can't use him as a pillow at all while rotting in his room, keeping one eye on this girl during the time he actually could be doing that. Just... take a deep, deep breath. Stay calm, man. Stay. Calm.

He sighs, clenching his fists, and now that Kat's actually looked at him, he can already see from her mildly worried expression that she's catching onto his current mood. “... Kat-ya... I swear to god...”

Hearing that changes her reaction with some delay, however... the smallest smile appears on her face which she tries to suppress; she locks her hands and takes a long sniff of air while looking skyward. Soon, she gives up on hiding her glee, and a shit eating grin appears on her face and she just looks very, very pleased with herself. “... I've been waiting for this.”

“... what?!” Law frowns, having no idea what got into her. Was it something he said? It has to be.

She doesn't seem fazed and keeps giggling to herself while lifting a just as confused Chopper from her lap and slowly standing up.

“Oh, oh!! I understand!” speaks up the reindeer snickering soon after as he comes to the solution; “That's your name, it was on the tag at the coffee shop! Katja! Ha ha ha!”

… oh. Oh. Jesus, really? Law lifts his hands to his chin as if praying instead of giving into his initial urge to smack himself on the temples; he knew that it's an abbreviation, but he'd have never thought that the original was that of all things... and she's been fucking waiting for him to accidentally pun on it. And, on top of it all, this might be... no, it certainly is the very first time he called her by name, too. Why him... and why now. … he could cry if it weren't for his pride. So instead he squeezes his eyes shut and is furrowing his brows really, really hard to keep it together.

He can hear her stop in front of him, then, after a few seconds, he feels the most delicate  little tap-tap of four fingers on his shoulder; cracking an eye open, he can see Kat holding out a half empty cup of coffee. Is... she offering this...?

“I suppose you need this more than I do,” she says. It could be just his imagination, but it certainly sounds like her voice is softer than usual. Considering the vague throbs of his head, this is lowkey appreciated.

“Um...” As he's vacillating how to handle this development, a half-conscious Bepo woken by the racket trots over and pulls both of them into a literal, but way gentler bear hug than what other people have been experiencing that day. The content of the cup survives this, somehow, and Kat is holding it out to the side.

“I miss captain,” the mink mumbles, then probably falls back asleep on his feet. At least he doesn't really move for a solid minute afterwards and is just rocking a bit to keep some kind of balance.

Peeking up towards Bepo, a sad smile appears on Kat's face. She reaches over with her free hand along the orange-clad pelt with a sigh and gives Law an awkward hug of her own, then breathes a 'garchu' into his hat. He can't help being startled and shrink a bit in surprise at this; hopefully the others don't notice anything of that past the tic of his shoulders.

“Sorry, didn't mean to stay out for long,” she says then; “I can see you are not up for bullshit today.”

Sometimes... she's as giggly as Carrot. At others, almost as apologetic as Bepo. She also tends to be physical, even if for split seconds... uses people as hunting targets, and now she's picked up mink-brand hospitality both in theory and practice. This girl must have been one of them, or some animal, in a previous life.

He groan-sighs; that spark of patience? These two just managed to raise it from the dead. Somehow. The mood swings devoured his energy to try and push away, though, or to just get worked up again about the affection of a still-kind-of-a-stranger. Now, hold on, my dude... try to not embarrass yourself by falling the fuck asleep in this incredibly comfortable and safe-feeling hug roll right now.

“... let go of me, knuckleheads,” he grunts, nestling around after the short pause he needed to pull himself together. From the corner of his eye, he can see a very pleased Robin. And Penguin and Shachi slurping away at their own coffee in unison at an incredibly slow pace while staring at him specifically. At least that's what Nami does, who's likely sporting the very same expression as the other two, after all.

They all look so infuriatingly smug.

“So, what I wanted to say... I've just had two cups, but thanks,” he addresses Kat a second later as Bepo shambles back to his previous location with an 'aye aye;' the semi-wake Carrot appreciates this and doesn't hesitate to hog double the space than before she got knocked off as soon as he lies down. Chopper sips from his extra sweet mocaccino while also settling back down, and is silently wondering why she even asked for coffee if she was about to take a nap.

Suppressing a yawn with all his might, Law continues; “... and I think I've mentioned it already, but don't do that. The touching.” … yeah, he did mention it, albeit offhandedly. Occasional pats and pokes are okay, but he's not gonna list an entire 'Trafalgar D. Water Law's Personal Space: A Rule Book' right now. Or ever, really. People either know their shit or they don't, and get away with shit or they don't.

“Oh, right... sorry,” Kat mumbles nervously as she recalls the vague memory. Never mind, she definitely is as apologetic as his navigator. As she prepares to gulp the rest of her drink down in one go, she stops; “You sure you don't want any?”

He raises an eyebrow. “I am... why do you keep asking?”

“I helped make it,” she says, lightening up a bit; “it's vanilla and almond flavored.”

Honestly... he keeps forgetting that she actually works in a place where stuff like this is made. All despite having called her 'cafe girl' for the longest time before, and even after their... accident. Then it became just girl, woman, or simply she-slash-her, which did cause the rare confusion when Ikkaku was around or involved in a matter. Anyway, sharing is caring and all that, but that thing there sounds like a sugar bomb. Which may help him, because his blood sugar levels are not that great at the moment, but at the same time he's not big on vanilla, so... once again, no, thanks.

“I like my coffee black, K...at.” Okay, he almost did it again... and why? Good fucking question. Why call her Kat more than once today, when he was perfectly fine with some variation or combination of the previously mentioned things thus far? He's just been over this, too... Must be exhaustion. And hormones, perhaps. Will have to watch his mouth a lot for the few hours left of this shitty day.

She bites down on her lip to try and hold back the chuckle. “Just say it... say the thing you wanted to say,” she smiles, downing the brew.

“Not in a million years.”

***

*insert Twilight parody line at the end*

Me, looking at my imaginary bullet point table: “You know what would be a good idea? Have a chapter that doesn't have Kat's PoV at all... and name it after her... Yeah.”

(Note: as I REEEALLY need to start working on my BA thesis due around the end of April, this project will likely get totally sidelined. Or speed up because of my procrastination skills. We'll see. After all, I have like 5x0.5 chapters lying around (and about 2 that are finished) and just need to add pacing fillers and patch things up.)

21. Once upon a dream

Kat takes a quick look at the underwater window; it's already nighttime. She should pull herself together soon and stand up, no matter how comfortable the edge of the bed is right now. The room's also perfectly cozy in this rare moment, she could nod off if she doesn't watch herself... especially since she's actually lying across the thing. Don't fall asleep again, man. Put that watch down for a sec, if you have to, and three, two, one, sit. I said three... two... theeere you go.

As she scoots to the side, she peeks at Law for a sec, too. Apart from one round for a glass of water, he's been perfectly silent and still in his chair all afternoon. From what she sees, he's barely keeping his head up, literally nodding off himself, if he'd allow that. He also had a couple of suppressed yawns earlier. Sympathizing with him here... though she's not exactly tired, it's more of the empty feeling one gets after a long, busy day. Still, her body feels heavy and her head light since she herself was in a limbo a minute ago; Kat gives her cheeks a good slap. How long must it have been, the last time she peeked out the window and it was still kind of evening? Fifteen minutes? Thirty...? Definitely not an hour, that cannot be.

“Just go if you're already this dull,” Law moans from over his notebook that hasn't had any new information written into it for a while, then he turns outward. He might have been waiting for her to leave so he can just fall like a log...

“You're one to talk...” She yawns. “Y'ere tired enough yesterday, but today you've been lookin'... really bad.” Like, really bad. Now that Kat can take a good look, he's... indeed in a very rough shape. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned it at all, but she's getting worried, especially now that she's seen his face. Man, it's been a while since she last had bags under the eyes… If she ever pulled an all-nighter, this is probably what it would look like. He looks two minutes from collapsing on the spot...

He sighs, rubbing his temples. “No shit... I wake up frequently in the first place, but today was especially bad. Your body really is not big on these temperatures.” It's either that or the 'new' environment, can't blame anything else. Honestly, he may be a rather restless sleeper in the first place, but this extra disturbance really throws a wrench into his routine. The best rest he's had this week was that almost-hour in the hall this morning... partly because it was a dreamless one.

“I also had some shitty dream that just kept going every time I managed to fall asleep?” he groans, having reminded himself of that, too. It was all kinds of annoying. “That the alleyway was in it is one thing... but running late for college? On a tram of all things...? Fuck me, I never even finished school, save used one of those things.” Huffing, he closes the book on the desk; he can feel at least four joints in his hand pop at that. His back hurts, too... there's no way he'll get anything else done today, provided he did anything noteworthy at all. At this point, he's just pissed at himself. He leans onto one arm to rest his head, that weighs more and more with every passing minute, on.

Kat, meanwhile... is very much alert, and concerned, to say the least. Because she knows that specific dream pretty damn well. Been a few months, and she thought it might be over already... yet Law did just describe that recurring, anxiety-induced semi-nightmare right now. All of this is looking just as she imagined... oh boy.

“Um... Law?” She blinks over to her bag, then back at him, before reaching inside after short consideration.

He sighs, trying his best to keep his eyelids from closing before being anywhere near the bed. “No need to look at me as if I needed a straitjacket, okay...? I need some rest, is all.”

“I know, it's just... I've been having... unusual dreams, too,” she says standing up, fiddling a little with the board facing her; he looks up with tired eyes. She's... unsure whether it's an appropriate time to show this to him... Following some hesitation, she does turn it around.

Law squints a little to see the thin-lined doodles better, also getting up from his chair. As he steps forward, his frown quickly changes from general irritation and vague anger into worry, confusion, and maybe discomfort... he almost looks scared. Kat can't help but avert her eyes and stare at his feet instead while fighting the urge to do anything with her fingers that itch for fiddling with stuff; she's feeling very out of place right now.

He reaches out to hold the drawings pinned to the corkwood; as soon as she feels the smallest tug, the object is released and she peeks back up at him.

Most of the wrinkles have disappeared, and he's taking in the little details, as few as there are, one by one. His fingers trace down the paper with a gentleness that she has never seen from him before, or even imagined him being capable of. He seems to mouth a word or two... it's as if she's handed him an old, lost photo instead of a couple of rough sketches, really. The way he looks at them, too... there is... a desolate feeling about it. Longing.

He blinks.

“... you couldn't fake this if you wanted to...”

That voice is also new. She's heard him talk calmly, but this is way softer than that. Thinking about it, this might be the first time she's heard him whisper, isn't it? However, it also feels wrong. Sad... He's hurt, seemingly on the verge of tears. But... she doesn't want to see this person sad... and especially not make him sad. Oh no... oh no...

Getting to the bare-bones stick doodle of the gates, he closes his eyes. “... since when?”

While it's nearly the usual tone, it also sounds as if it could break any time... All she can do right now is to enter default anxiety mode and just... spill it. “I saw the first one... when I fell asleep down here.”

“How much... did you see?” Good lord, how much could it be...

That question sounds as if she was eavesdropping on purpose or something... Considering that this seems to be very personal and a sensitive issue to Law, it certainly feels like it. “There were... three dreams, I think. I don't remember a lot from the first two, but... today I hung out with that man, in a bright town. Later the buildings turned into white sand... and we played in it.”

A bitter smile appears on his face. Of all things... building something like sand castles with him. In that rubble... on that rubble. “A white city, eh...?” Don't cry... barely awake or not, don't you dare fucking cry, shithead.

“... yes. And, uh...” This information... might not even be relevant, but she might as well mention the other... characters? People? “some children joined, too. Most of them had a uniform. First was a little dark blonde girl, with pigtails...” She doesn't remember anything noteworthy about the others...

While generally avoiding to look at his face right now, it's obvious that this bit was indeed important, and must have hit him pretty hard; he hugs the paper support and lowers his head, resting his chin against the drawing board.

“... that went on for a bit, until a man and woman came, to...” She stops. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Can't just finish the sentence like that, what if they were his parents?! Wait, she thought the man looked like Law. They absolutely were his parents and whatever has happened he's super upset about this already. FUCK. How the hell can she continue now, if a couple of vague descriptions, about ten lines of a building and the mention of a white... a White...

The scorching coals of distress turn to ice in her chest, and she dares a short look back at him, then stares at her hands that kind of feel as cold as if they were her own. Her thoughts take a quick detour to do simple math, then from one old memory scrap to another, followed by some anecdote fragments in a collection she read that was not for her age at the time.

She doesn't like the idea. It's not her place to inquire about this, if true. Think anything about this, if true. Maybe, just maybe, it's not the truth at all. It's so extremely unlikely, after all. It still does feel like she stumbled upon a terrible secret. Forbidden knowledge. Because... she knows why that place was familiar. And it would just make perfect sense, if, by chance...

“I remember... the newspaper from that day,” she says finally after swallowing hard, squeezing out the words one by one, feeling their weight. It's one of those memories that just flash in front of her from time to time; when she's sitting in the kitchen in the golden hour, or having apricot jam on bread, like back then. In this one, she's barely eight... looking at pictures in a paper. The old, crackling denden mushi is receiving the only radio signal available, the news are just about over. They repeated something that's been a topic for a week or so. There's... an image of a town, labeled as an archive photograph...

“It was headlines. I didn't read the article, wouldn't have really understood anyway, but... I remember the photo... of a big building. And the fence in front. That's what it is... that's the place I've been seeing... right?”

He's as still as a statue. There's some noise, something between a hum and a whimper, hard to decide... he nods after some delay. Kat is at a loss as to how she could proceed, if at all... saying more would be awkward; leaving would be even more so… doing anything, even existing, is awkward. In the end, Law's the one to break the silence.

“I was sick… with nowhere to run. Didn't even know who to blame, I just wanted to take revenge on anything... and everything.” After the hastily uttered train of thought gets out, he takes a deep, shaky breath. Fuck it, she already knows. He gave away the missing critical pieces to an incomplete puzzle, like the utter tool he is. Most he can do right now is to tell her whatever seems... safe. Just enough to satisfy her questions, barely enough to let this issue die right here. It's just...

Putting an end to that a few months ago is still so fresh in his mind. It made him rethink a lot of things, and just generally think of that godforsaken day a lot again... old wounds were ripped open, and they are not done healing, not at all. He's been trying to just cover it all up until this alliance business dies down for good, and right now there is only a mess of strong feelings with no coherent thoughts attached. It's hard... finding words for it right now is just too damn hard.

Law reaches out; Kat is too puzzled figure out what to do, or how she should interpret the gesture, so she doesn't stop the unsure, icy fingers from barely tapping her chest.

“He was the one... who saved me,” Law breathes, lowering the drawing board in his other hand.

It takes Kat a second to remember that right under the T-shirt is the center of his big tattoo, pretty much the image of the Heart Pirates' jolly roger. The only 'he' she can think of... and that's kind of like that one smile she saw today, isn't it. And there's the heart motive, buried under either smoke or fire... “... the man in the feather coat...”

He hums; he's not touching her anymore, but his hand hovers over the spot for another moment.

Kat meanwhile regrets not waiting with her dumb question until a more suitable time a lot... and is also getting choked up. It's not even because of an episode after a long time spent in comfortable numbness, or that seeing sad or miserable people makes her restless, especially if she's attached to them... it's rather that, if nothing else in particular stuck with her from that frigid, snowy dream, she remembers the feeling very well. It was a lot like the one she had as a little girl, of her mother being hypnotized and abandoning her. Never saw the end of that recurring nightmare. She always woke up after the person responsible, -the local shopkeeper, for some reason,- just laughed and laughed at her misery... All in all, it felt like shit. This man also must have died, or else Law wouldn't be like... this. Quite frankly, just remembering the name of Flevance and connecting it to the crumbling sand town caused a visceral reaction she cannot put anywhere. This body never really let go of Law, did it...?

As his hand starts to slip away, she reaches for it intuitively; it just seems... the logical thing to do? Except it's not, not really. He doesn't even like things like this... God, she's also been exhausted mentally with all these people around, and even wasted more energy on this silly hug business, zeroing her leftover sense of self-awareness. Oh well... if she's already at it, and thinking about it, there's one semi-logical step left. It's normal to do that in these situations anyway, so...

Kat takes a hesitant step ahead, and pulls him once again into a gentle one-armed hug: just a bit tighter, and a bit less awkward than the previous one. The hand she took a second ago is raised back up to roughly where Law's own heart would be and she holds it so carefully as if it were made of something really brittle, like an actual shard of thin ice. Also can't help but note that her body is exactly a head shorter than his... will have to resist the temptation to lean into the curly hair, even if it's inconveniently tickling her neck right now.

Law really wants to be angry, or anything other than tired and empty, really, but the half-hearted attempt is a complete failure. Instead, the only emotion he can muster is deepest shame; normally, he'd just brood down here alone, maybe cry into his pillow, but... he's not alone right now, and needs this. Really badly. Someone to latch onto, like a gross attention leech... And it feels so damn great. She's also rubbing his back a little, and may or may not have just lowered her chin onto his head. This is nice, so, if only for a little while… okay, this should do it... the three to five seconds of self-indulgent cuddling are over. He takes a deep breath to calm down and try to pull himself together as she mumbles something into his hair that he can barely make out.

“You are such a brave and smart boy...”

His heart swells upon hearing that, and he feels the first tear break free from under strict supervision; she probably didn't even mean to say it out loud, and the rather infantilizing nature of the statement aside... although it's part of the problem, really... her soft-spoken demeanor just makes that voice sound a lot like his father's. A little too much. There comes the first hiccup, soon followed by many more...

Kat drifts back to reality upon hearing the first sob, and finds herself unsure what to do again; she has no idea how to handle a situation like this. Did she ever have a crying person around when she did something past just... standing in a corner and feeling bad herself? At any time? What did... what did her parents do, how did they calm her down? They... what they did was... there's... nothing. They humored her for a minute, maybe. When it was just a scratch, told her that it's no big deal. All she remembers are the times they made her cry over something stupid instead... being straight-out terrified at times, going as far as hiding the shards of a broken vase or mug in the cluttered backyard. Even when she stepped into an old nail, she didn't tell a thing, although she was old enough to know that she ought to get tetanus vaccination afterwards.

She can feel anger boil its way up her throat; god, just... in how many ways did growing up with those people fuck her over...? No... no, no, no. No thinking about that, she has someone else here, and they need some kind of help or support. But she's so useless... augh, maybe she shouldn't be here at all right now...

“Law... do you want me to leave?” At least she can't do any harm with that...

The answer is not exactly direct, but a whimper like that sounds like a 'no' in any situation. If that wouldn't be enough, his hand also curls around a wrinkle of the tee.

Kat sighs, releasing his hand and wrapping her now free arm around him instead; she also takes the board before he drops it, and tosses the thing on the corner of the bed, near where the wobbly book pile is. What else could she do now, though...? She doesn't really have a sure means to calm him down... maybe... maybe she could sing, or rather hum something, stay until he falls asleep. Let's see, it has to be something soft... and preferably not holiday-related. There's not a lot that she knows perfectly by heart, though. Oh god... um, maybe that one, the one her mother sang to her and her brothers after going to bed, until she just stopped doing it one day. Which was quite a shame, really; she loved it a lot. Seems like she can still remember the tune, too... alright.

While she was contemplating, her right hand wandered up to his scalp and is absentmindedly scratching away at his nape ever so softly. She stops for a split second upon noticing, but resumes just as quickly- he hasn't said anything, nor reacted, so it should be okay. In fact, it seems to be doing a pretty good job... Law's less tense, and his breathing less erratic already. Alright, he should be fine in a few more minutes; shushing will be fine for now. As soon as he's down to sniffling, she leads him to the bed to sit.

Since he doesn't seem to be letting go of the t-shirt any time soon, she joins him with one hand still on his back. Maybe five motionless minutes pass before she takes a look at him; he's barely conscious leaning against her, isn't he... whether it's just to avoid stressful dreams or being on autopilot, he's still not willing to let himself fall asleep. What a stubborn oaf.

She sighs a little, and concentrates on a single note before humming the old song, after all. The last thing she kind of remembers before drifting off is thinking about how to lay him down without waking him up.

***

Today's #mood be like mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=005143

I'll try to churn out one more before I go on a forced hiatus, just so it stops on a less depressing note... that aside, story time!

So... I have zero connection to America. Live in the area where West and East Europe meet, in the middle of nowhere basically. And yet, I remember coming home when I was 10, and the TV showing some 3-hour news special on 9/11. The single suspended mental image of the television showing one of the planes before impact as I throw my backpack down before I go eat just stuck with me. There are many other little things, like the marzipan lion from my brother's first birthday cake hanging out in the kitchen window for months (I was barely 2 then, like? holy shit); seeing the few drops of blood on the concrete after a kid named Márk hit someone in the face in kindergarten as they cry in the background; the moment I saw a thick snake slither at my feet as I wanted to go down to the cellar outdoors around 4th grade (I've felt uneasy down there ever since, was a favorite before)... They are 3D photographs of minuscule length if any... as a visual type, I might have more of these than the average, but it's amazing that billions of people, if not everyone, has these lying around in their brains. Humans are wild, man.

Anyway, I remembered that, and decided to put something similar in here. Same for the song, which is the main motif of “Esti Dal” aka Evening Song. (quote-unquote best version I could find rn was this flash mob /watch?v=b055cHvLgtk) Kat's a semi-self-insert, after all.

ps.: The universe is a cold, uncaring place, and remembering is the most powerful FUCK YOU at your disposal, and erasing memories of someone or something is the most cruel punishment you can impose- all I'm saying is, that the least you can do is share these memories in some way or form. Go write something, you tool. And me, too. Yes you, I know you'll be reading this in a few weeks again to check where you left off when you last were unmotivated to continue. And yes, you did indeed write the commentary for... whatever chapter this is before finishing 19, bitch. I see you. Shia LaBeouf that shit. JUST. DO IT.