#the single longest essay i’ve ever written was about

[laurenairay]

Take a Chance - D. Hamilton

Word Count: 12.7k

Summary: Ashley Miller is a Sunday-morning regular at her local coffee shop. Dougie Hamilton is the associate art curator who catches her eye.

Warnings: coffee shop au, some bad language, a lot of cute fluff, anxiety

A/N: This is my @hockeynetwork​ winter gift exchange fic for @huttons​! I had a lot of fun researching & creating this fic gift, and I tried to incorporate all of the preferences you stated and that we discussed. This is very self-indulgent too, definitely the longest thing I’ve written on here, and I’m not going to go into the very niche research rabbit holes I fell down! Bringing this OC to life made me so happy, and I had a blast incorporating the coffee shop au element. I hope you enjoy this! 💚

Also tagging @danglesnipecelly​, @texanstarslove​ and @itsbadgerbadgermushroom​ because they all listened to me stress while writing hah.

*

“Large latte for Ashley!”

Ashley Miller looked up from her laptop, smiling at her favourite barista at the counter. She got up from her table, leaving her laptop and scone briefly as she collected her drink, before heading back to her seat. Sunday mornings were the same every week – arrive at Storm Surge coffee shop when they opened at 7am, park herself at a table in the back corner, and consume a steady flow of coffee as she worked. Sure, her work might vary – teaching Medieval History at The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill meant her lesson topics were all over the spectrum – but she just found that everything from writing notes for her classes that week to marking essays at the end of the semester became easier if she had the thrum of the coffee shop around her.

That, and she knew she’d just spend her entire weekend burrowed in her house if she didn’t get out.

Having moved to Raleigh 6 years ago to undertake her PhD, Ashley had accepted a teaching job at the very same university she’d studied at when she’d completed her studies a year ago, and she hadn’t looked back since. There was just something about Raleigh that she had fallen in love with, only a 30 minute drive away from her workplace, something that had spoken to her very soul, and actually being able to pass on knowledge about the subject that she was so passionate about made her so incredibly happy. Sure, her parents had never understood her love for 11th to 13th century European history (nor anyone else from her small town in South Dakota) but Ashley had never cared about that – New York had given her the opportunity to grow as a person during her undergraduate and postgraduate degrees, but Raleigh had given her the opportunity to thrive.

And she would forever be grateful for that.

Sundays though…Sundays were something she cherished. This independent coffee shop had been a blessing when she’d found it early on in her PhD research, and they had never complained about her taking up a table for essentially the whole day (and she did pay for each of the many coffees she consumed). Baristas and bakers had come and gone over the past 6 years, but there were a couple that had stuck around recently - and a year ago when she officially became ‘Dr Ashley Miller’, her favourite barista Andrei had even given her a piece of chocolate cake on the house to celebrate. Storm Surge coffee shop was a home away from home.

Of course, there was another reason that Sunday coffee shop time was one of her favourite things in her week…

Tall Cute Guy.

He was a regular every Sunday morning, and had been for the past year - three Sundays a month he would order a mocha and an americano to go, but one Sunday a month he would come in an hour earlier and order just an americano, and drink it in the shop instead while reading an old paperback book. Every single time, like clockwork.

Okay, yes, that sounded a little stalkerish. But he was so cute. Ashley pretty much always had her earphones in playing music so she had never caught his name, but his blonde curls, pretty blue eyes and warm smile had caught her eye straight away. And he was so tall, she couldn’t have missed him if she’d tried. She’d never spoken to him, never even said hi in passing, but occasionally she would link eyes with him and he would smile at her. And that smile was enough to send her heart fluttering. Ridiculous really, but it brought her a little joy.

What was the harm in smiling back at a cute guy every now and again, right?

*

Dougie Hamilton walked into the North Carolina Museum of Art with a smile on his face. To be honest, it could’ve been for a multitude of reasons. His career was finally heading upwards, having moved museums to become Associate Curator of European Art a couple of years ago, and he loved his work. He had recently renovated his kitchen, which was now looking pretty sleek and awesome, if he did say so himself. His colleagues had genuinely become some of his closest friends, and he had a standing monthly poker night with several of them. But his smile today wasn’t because of any of that.

No, his smile today was because it was Sunday morning, and he’d just picked up his regular coffee order for him and his boss.

Speaking of…

“So, did you finally talk to your coffee shop crush, or did you just awkwardly stare at her like a weirdo again?”

“Oh fuck off,” Dougie grumbled, feeling his cheeks heat up in a fierce blush as his boss Jordie’s words.

It was far too early for this – he’d only just walked into their shared office for fuck’s sake! Jordie just hooted laughter at his embarrassment as he took his mocha from Dougie, making Dougie groan. “One day you’re going to have to talk to her, man. It’s just getting sad now,” Jordie teased.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t we have a museum to open?” Dougie scowled.

Jordie just beamed even more, wiggling his eyebrows as he left their office. Dougie groaned again, running his hands through is unruly hair before he sighed. Coffee shop crush. Hah. Jordie wasn’t wrong though. Not really. His crush…Mystery Laptop Woman…was one of the reasons he always volunteered to pick the two of them up coffee before the museum opened up on a Sunday morning. Jordie had come along with him only once to pick up their coffee, about 6 months ago, and ever since then he hadn’t let Dougie’s shy smile at her go. Of course, Dougie barely knew anything about her – only that she was always in early on a Sunday, always completely consumed by her work, and she had such a super cute concentration face, whatever it is that she worked on. He could never quite tell – sometimes she had a book or two with her, sometimes it was a stack of papers – but he knew for sure that she appeared to mainline coffee like a pro. Probably some kind of teacher?

He’d certainly never had a teacher that beautiful, that was for sure.

Her long dark hair was always down and always a little messy, like she ran her hands through it often (which she did, he’d noticed). Her warm hazel eyes were hidden behind tortoiseshell glasses, and her lips were always coloured in varying shades of dark pink and red. He’d only seen her standing a couple of times, but he’d caught enough of a glimpse of her long legs to have some very inappropriate thoughts. She just looked so kind, so friendly…and so beautiful. Dougie had never been able to catch her name though – she’d always had a full coffee or at least half a coffee left whenever he was in the shop, so he couldn’t even find out sneakily that way. But whoever she was, whatever she did, when he occasionally got lucky enough for her to look at him, her smile made his entire body light up like a fireworks show. It was a bit pathetic really, how much just a smile from her made his entire day, but he was a year into it now and he wasn’t going to stop that for anything. He had a great career, some great friends, and a pretty great life, even if he was tragically single.

What was the harm in smiling at a beautiful woman whenever he got the chance, right?

*

“Alright, we’ve nearly run out of time now, but just one final thing I want you to think about for Monday’s love in the middle ages class,”

On cue, her students groaned, making Ashley grin.

“Hey, I’m giving you a head’s up here – I could just let you walk into our general lecture blind?” she shrugged, teasing.

That got her a few laughs at least. She’d take that.

“Okay, so we know through our focus on the Medieval Expansion of Europe that one of the biggest tales about Eleanor of Aquitaine in the latter half of the 1100s was of her role in the courts of love. What I want you all to look into is whether these courts of love have the possibility of being a real thing, or whether they feed into the chivalric notions of her contemporaries and were fabricated from the courtly love dynamics of knights and maidens. Just to give us some talking points, okay?”

Her students murmured their agreement, with most of them writing down a reminder. That would have to be good enough for her. At least this way, hopefully someone would discuss the talking points with her in class – she’d found out the hard way last year that there was nothing worse for a university professor than completely uninterested students. She needed something to feed off.

“Alright then, class dismissed. Have a great weekend everyone!”

Ashley moved to her laptop, switching off the projected powerpoint presentation as her students filed out of the classroom, but jumped in shock slightly as she noticed the head of her department sitting in the back corner. How long had he been there?! What was he doing there in the first place? She just hoped her smile didn’t look as nervous as she felt, as he walked up to the front of the room.

Rod Brind’Amour was a legend in the History department for a good reason. His knowledge of military history pre-1800s was unmatched by anyone, but it was his research on the first and second crusades that had inspired Ashley through much of her PhD. Sure, he wasn’t her direct supervisor, but their work interlinked enough that she’d spent many office hours with him debating the second crusade with fervour. For such a big man, he was such a nerd, and he’d made her feel so welcome as soon as he offered her the teaching position at the end of her PhD, with the promise that she would be able to continue her research to inspire future minds. She had been so moved by his words that she hadn’t hesitated to accept the job. How could she not, when someone of his calibre believed in her?

One year in, she wasn’t regretting it at all

“Very smart, setting up some talking points for Monday’s class. I’m so glad I volunteered you to run this year’s Love in the Middle Ages lectures. You’re much better at them than I was,” Rod mused.

Ashley snorted, rolling her eyes playfully. Oh thank god. It’s true that this seminar was one part of the large mandatory Medieval and Early Modern Studies course…but it suited her perfectly.

“That’s because my research focuses on Medieval Queens and the exchange of power they brought to their marriage countries, whereas yours is the effect of each of the crusades through military history. Bleurgh,” she snickered, “Linking today’s Medieval Expansion of Europe class with the generic Love in the Middle Ages lectures on Mondays is just easy,”

“Speak for yourself,” Rod laughed, “give me military tactics any day,”

Ashley just grinned. Some things never changed. “Was there anything you wanted in particular?” she asked, packing up her laptop into its case.

“Just wanted to check in with you, in general,” Rod shrugged, sitting down on the edge of her desk.

Ashley couldn’t help but smile at the thoughtfulness. “I’m doing okay yeah, thanks. Last year’s first semester was more of a struggle for sure, but I don’t have that transition from PhD student and TA to full teaching this time round. I’ve definitely settled in quicker – and this batch of freshman feel a lot more engaged already,”

“That’s good! It definitely shows that you’re handling things well,” Rod nodded, smiling back at her, “But I meant in your life outside of the university too,”

Ashley frowned. What? “What do you mean?” she asked, confused.

Rod laughed softly at her expression. “I know last year you were trying to find your stride, but this year you’ve already got it, so I’m just checking that you’ve got things balanced outside of work too. It’s far too easy to make teaching your entire life – and I don’t want you to burn out,” Rod explained. “I value you here too much for that,”

Ashley’s heart melted a little at his concern, but she just shook his head. “I may not have much going on for me outside of work, but I do get out. I spend my Sundays in a local coffee shop,” she admitted.

Her mind briefly flashed to Tall Cute Guy, but she pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind before she started blushing. So not appropriate for work.

Rod frowned slightly, but nodded. “At least you’re getting out of the house. Just promise me you’ll work on finding time for yourself too?”

“I promise,” Ashley nodded, “I intend to be here for a long time, so I definitely don’t want to burn out,”

“Good, I’m glad to hear it,” Rod grinned, “I’d better get going – see you at the faculty meeting later?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Ashley grimaced.

Rod just laughed at her disgruntled face, lifting his hand in a wave as he left the room. As she packed the rest of her belongings, Ashley couldn’t help but to think over Rod’s words. Was she in danger of a burn-out? Surely not, so early on in her career? Maybe she did need more of a balance in her life…but how?

*

Another Sunday, another early morning. Sure, Ashley could give herself a lie in every now and again, but that would mean not being able to relax on her Sunday evening, to not have the chance to unwind and reset before the working week starts up again on Monday morning. Spending all weekend in her little 2 bed house wouldn’t do her any good, even as comforting as she’d made it.

Besides, Storm Surge coffee shop was such a part of her routine now, that it would feel wrong to not go in at her usual time. Seeing Andrei the morning barista, Marty the supervisor and Jaccob the baker (who occasionally popped his head out) always made her happy – and as Rod said only a couple of days ago, she needed to make sure she actually kept a balance in her life.

So, as always, just after 7am, Ashley walked through the coffee shop door. She’d skipped eating any breakfast this morning, intent on getting one of the shop’s amazing scones fresh out of the oven, and as soon as she spotted her favourite blueberry-lemon scones in the display, something in her chest settled. Yes, this was exactly why she came every week. This feeling of home.

“Good morning Ashley! Your usual latte?”

Ashley smiled at Andrei, nodding. “Yes please. And one of the blueberry-lemon scones!”

Andrei smiled even wider, if that was possible, and immediate set about inputting her order into the cash register. It was then that she noticed something new on Andrei’s nametag. A pink sparkly kitten sticky. Huh. That was new.

“Nice sticker,” she teased.

“Very sparkly, no? Marty gave it to me,” Andre nodded.

“Oh, Marty did huh?” Ashley grinned.

Interestingly, Andrei blushed. She knew she hadn’t been imagining things. The poor Russian guy just blushed harder, spluttering incoherently, until Ashley took pity on him. It wasn’t like she could be mean to Andrei – he was just too adorable.

“I think the sticker is really cute, Andrei. It was sweet of Marty to give it to you,” Ashley said with a fond smile.

“Thank you! I will tell Marty you like it,” Andrei beamed.

Bless him.

Andrei handed her a scone on a plate, allowing her to go to her usual table in the back corner, setting up her laptop while she waited for her coffee to be ready. She heard a door out the back open, and Andrei quickly slipped away, making her smile.

“AHHHHHHHHHH MR SVECHNIKOV!”

Marty. Ashley just giggled, shaking her head before putting her earphones in for her background music. Yeah, this coffee shop definitely felt like home.

She quickly got lost in writing her lecture notes, going off on tangents that she knew she’d have to rein in later when she edited. It was a full hour before she even looked away from her screen, only to see the shop busy and bustling, every single table full. What the hell? She looked over to see both Andrei and Marty working the counter, only confirming her suspicions that they really had gotten busy while she was lost in her thoughts. Wow. Full at 8am was a new one for sure. Maybe a convention of some kind?

And it was then that she saw Tall Cute Guy walk in. Today he was wearing a pretty blue sweater, bring out the beautiful blue in his eyes, making her smile on instinct. So cute. But then she noticed him being given just the one coffee…he was planning on drinking in, and there were no tables? No!

It made her heart clench to watch him looking around the coffee shop, becoming more and more disheartened…until he noticed her. Maybe, could she, yes. Ashley bit her bottom lip but tilted her head towards the empty chair at her table, earning the biggest smile. She actually did it. She actually offered him the chair at her table. Shit. Her heart started beating faster as he walked over, and she took her earphones out as he came to a stop next to her seat, looming over her.

“I, uh…do you mind if I sit with you?” he asked softly.

Huh. Such a gentle voice on such a big man. Yeah she could totally handle this.

“Please, go ahead,” Ashley nodding, smiling as she waved her hand to indicate, “it’s so busy in here today,”

Oh no. Was that too forward, acknowledging that they’re both regulars?

“Definitely busier than usual, eh?” he mused, “I’ll try not to disturb your work, I’ll only be here for about an hour,”

Ashley laughed, but shook her head. She was just glad he hadn’t been weirded-out by her acknowledgement. That would’ve been so awkward. Her stomach was filled with enough butterflies as it was. “You won’t disturb me, I promise. Sit as long as you like,”

He smiled widely at her, pulling out the chair opposite and sitting down, Ashley just quickly shuffling her papers out of the way for him. He nodded his thanks at her, pulling a paperback book out of his satchel. Then he cleared his throat, so she looked up at him curiously.

“I’m Dougie, by the way,” he said, almost a little shy.

Dougie. That was a nice name. Oh, wow, she finally knew his name! Ashley couldn’t help but smile at him. “I’m Ashley,”

He smiled back at her. “It’s nice to meet you properly,” he said happily.

Ashley just laughed, nodding as she blushed lightly. To have him acknowledge their smiling-from-a-distance definitely sparked something inside of her. Nice to finally meet him indeed.

They sat in comfortable silence, Ashley typing up her tangent notes so far for the morning, and she couldn’t help the feeling of contentment that sat in her chest. The cute guy she’d been smiling at for a year was sitting at her table with her…and it wasn’t awkward at all. In fact, it was really quite nice. And he’d introduced himself!

No, cool it, keep calm Ashley. No-one got anywhere by acting like a giddy schoolgirl. Play it cool.

That promised hour flew by far too quickly. Every now and again she would glance up and find his eyes on her. Every now and again she would glance up only for him to look up and catching her looking. Every time she would blush. Every time he would send her a wonderful smile. But all too soon her table companion was standing up and putting his book in his bag.

“Um…”

Ashley looked up from her work at him, a smile naturally spreading across her face at his nervous expression. Why was he nervous?

“Yes, Dougie?” she said softly, smiling at a little more at finally getting to say his name.

Dougie. Dougie. Dougie.

“I’ll see you soon?” he said, almost hopefully.

“I’ll be here,” she nodded.

Oh god. Well that was stupid. Of course she’d be here. Why couldn’t she just act smoothly for once in her life?

But then Dougie smiled, such a happy little smile that it made her breath catch in her throat.

“Until next time then,” Dougie murmured, “Bye, Ashley,”

“Bye,” she breathed, watching him walk way.

Well, that could’ve been worse. What a Sunday.

*

Things felt different after that fateful Sunday. Dougie (she knew his name!) hadn’t sat down with her again, or even sat in the shop again yet, but now…now he always made a point of waving at her, waiting until she had waved back to smile. Those waves sent her into even more of a tizzy, a light blush always on her cheeks, and she couldn’t help but cherish them. Maybe it was a bit pathetic, but he was so handsome and he noticed her. It didn’t hurt to pretend it was more than friendly acknowledgement, right? A girl could dream at least.

It was only Wednesday today, but that meant only one thing. Her weekly phone call with her mom. Knowing Susan Miller, Ashley could picture exactly what her mom was doing. Her phone would be propped up on speakerphone while she pottered around the kitchen, finishing off making dinner while also planning what desserts to bake at the weekend. Her mom led a simple life, a retired teacher herself (although she’d taught at the local elementary school rather than ever leaving town), but it was a happy life. And it was these phone calls that were the only thing that made Ashley miss home.

Nothing was the same as a hug from her mom with a slice of homemade apple pie. But those were the sacrifices she made for her love of Medieval History. They never stayed on the for more than half an hour, but it was just enough to fill Ashley’s heart, at least for a little while.

“And I swear, if he doesn’t stop leaving those nasty cigar butts on the front porch, I’m going to whoop some sense into him!”

“You’ve been saying this for over 20 years mom – I don’t think dad is going to change at this point,” Ashley mused, rolling her eyes fondly.

Her dad had been set in his ways for as long as she could remember. Nothing was going to change that, not even a little nagging from the love of his life.

“Yes, well, he could at least clean up after himself,”

Her parents really were ridiculous human beings – but they loved each other, and that was all that mattered. Even if her dad didn’t clean up his cigar butts.

“You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself if you weren’t complaining about his cigar butts,” Ashley grinned. “Maybe threaten not to make that corned beef hash he likes. That might help,”

The laughter that flowed down the phone made her smile even more. Fuck she missed hearing her mom’s laugh in person.

“Oh I miss you sweetpea. Are you sure you’re okay down there by yourself?”

“Yes mom, you know I love my work and my life down here,” Ashley said, sighing softly.

Here we go again.

“I just worry about you rattling around in that old house by yourself!”

Rude. It wasn’t that old.

“I promise I’m fine!” Ashley insisted.

Her mom stayed silent, making Ashley bite her lip to stop herself getting frustrated. Her mom would come out with it eventually…

“I worry about you being lonely, that’s all. You’re such an introvert, you always have been,”

And there it was.

“How could I be lonely mom? I have great colleagues that I talk with. And I’m around students all day and I interact all the time with them! And the baristas at my coffee shop know me by name and we chat too,” Ashley listed.

“The baristas don’t count, Ash,”

Poor Andrei. He definitely counted. Ashley couldn’t help but giggle at the sigh in her mom’s voice though. “Okay maybe not, but there is a guy that I’ve talked to,”

“Ooh a guy?”

Oh no. Oh what had she done? She had to nip this in the bud now.

“No, mom, not like that, just a friendly face to wave at,” Ashley insisted.

Dougie’s shy smiles filled her mind, but she shook her head. Now was not the time.

“Oh boo, you should work on changing that,”

Hah. If only.

“You’re impossible, mom,” Ashley sighed fondly.

“I love you too darling,”

*

Today he was going to do it. Today Dougie was going to get to Storm Surge coffee shop a little early, get his americano to drink in…and hopefully sit with Ashley again. Ever since that amazing Sunday morning where she offered him a seat at her table (she offered him!), he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her. He could kick himself for not being able to do more than wave at her the past three Sundays, but even just the few smiles he seen in passing since have blown him away. Especially with that cute little blush she always had when she waved back at him.

But today he was coming in an hour before he had to get to work, just to have that chance to sit with her and talk with her. Was it a little desperate? Sure. But Dougie never claimed to be anything other than desperate to get to know the beautiful woman he’d only ever seen in passing until now. His schedule didn’t usually allow him the chance – every Sunday the North Carolina Museum of Art opened from 10-5, and he usually got there just after 9 with coffee for him and Jordie, but every fourth Sunday Jordie came in a little later, so Dougie took the time to sit in and read a little before heading into work…and it was the fourth Sunday today. He could only hope that all the nerves and butterflies would be worth it.

Oh fuck, what if she wasn’t even there?

No, she would be. She always was. Enough stalling.

Still…

Dougie walked into Storm Surge with a little ball of nervous anxiety in his chest, praying that Ashley wouldn’t stray from her routine, until he looked over into the back corner…and there she was. He waited until Ashley looked up at him to wave at her, earning a sweet smile and a wave back. Wow, her blush really was so sweet.

“Dougie! You must be drinking in today, yes?”

He snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of Andrei’s voice, quickly nodding. “Yeah just the usual americano, thanks,”

“You got it,” Andrei nodded, beaming at him.

Dougie quickly paid and moved to the end of the counter to wait for his coffee. The shop was only half-full at this time in the morning, unlike last month, so he didn’t have the excuse of busy tables. Maybe…he could just walk up to her, right? He could take that chance, right? Yeah, he could do this.

“Here you go!” Andrei said cheerfully.

“Thanks,” Dougie murmured.

The barista gave him a strange look at his distracted tone, and Dougie knew that Andrei was watching as he walked over to Ashley’s table…but here goes nothing. He could totally do this. He was an adult. He paid his taxes on time and everything. He could definitely ask a pretty woman if he could sit with her again.

“Hey, Ashley,”

She looked up from her laptop with a bright smile, making his breath catch in his throat.

“Dougie! Hi!” she said happily.

She remembered his name! Wow. No, focus.

“Do you, um…do you mind if I sit with you again?” Dougie asked.

Oh god, why couldn’t he just sound cool for once in his life? Why did he always have to be the least smooth version of himself that he could possibly be?

Ashley took one look around at all the empty tables and blushed even more, before she bit her lip and nodded. “Sure, go for it,”

That was a good sign, right?

Dougie sat down with a nervous smile, putting his coffee gently on the table.

“So, um, how have you been?”

Ashley looked surprised (oh god, was she only being polite before?) before that melted into a pleased look. Okay, he could work with that.

“I’ve been pretty good thanks, yeah. I’m just revising the list of essay topics that I’m giving my students on Monday, so not too much work to do today thankfully,” she said, “How about you?”

“I’ve been alright yeah. Work has been a little nuts with the new exhibition at the museum but it’s all come together really well!” Dougie said, beaming. What? Could a man not be excited about artwork? “what do you teach?”

Ashley smiled shyly, looking a little hesitant again. Dougie couldn’t help but frown a little. Had people made her feel awkward about her work before? That wasn’t okay! “I’m a Medieval History professor at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. My general focus is on the power of Medieval queens, but I teach everything from the expansion of medieval Europe to love in the middle ages, as well as on the general medieval and early modern history modules. I did my undergraduate and masters degrees at NYU, but I moved down here for the PhD opportunity. It’s now my second full year teaching and I just…I love it so much,”

A PhD?! Holy shit, that’s impressive. Wow. Just…wow. How could she be any more perfect?

“That’s incredible!” was all that Dougie could say.

“You don’t have to pretend, I know having a PhD isn’t exactly the coolest thing in the world, especially in medieval history,” Ashley mused.

Well it was definitely pretty fucking cool to him, no matter what other people had ever said to her. “I’m definitely not pretending, I promise. Medieval history is fascinating,” he insisted.

Ashley pursed her lips like she didn’t believe him, making Dougie laugh.

“I’m serious! I may not have a PhD but my masters thesis was a specialism in Rembrandt’s work. I’m a total art history nerd – 14th-17th century in particular,” Dougie explained.

Come on, let the nerdiness pay off for once…

Her face immediately lightened, her mouth forming into a surprised ‘o’, making him laugh again. At least, he hoped it was a good surprise?

“One of the classes I’ll be teaching next semester is Italian Renaissance and European History to 1650,” she murmured.

Holy shit. What a match up.

“Told you I wasn’t pretending to be interested,” Dougie grinned, “I’d definitely love to learn more about that class when you start it,”

Ashley blushed again, but her nervous smile had shifted into a full beaming smile, and his heart could only just about take it. Then she froze slightly, blinking, as if she’d forgotten something. What?

“Sorry, did you say museum earlier?” Ashley said suddenly, “like, you work at a museum?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m an associate curator at the North Carolina Museum of Art,” Dougie nodded.

He did his best not to puff out his chest in pride. He’d worked damned hard on his career and he was proud of it.

“I just…wow, I wouldn’t have expected it,”

Dougie laughed, raising an eyebrow at her sheepish smile.

“A guy who looks like you, like such an athlete’s build…oh god, sorry, that’s so rude of me,” she groaned, burying her face in her hands.

But Dougie just laughed, shaking his head. “Believe me, it’s far from the first time I’ve heard that,”

And never with such appreciation of his body either…

Look, he knew how the world perceived him on first glance. Tall, muscled guy, blonde hair and blue eyes, probably an all-american jock right? How he loved proving them wrong.

“Still doesn’t make it okay,” Ashley winced, “so I’m sorry,”

“Apology accepted,” Dougie mused, “I love my work, so it’s fun surprising people. Especially people with similar interests,”

Ashley bit her lip again but nodded and smiled, tilting her head to show she was listening. Wow, he could definitely get used to her looking at him with this much interest.

“Like I said, I’m an associate curator at the North Carolina Museum of Art. I’m actually Canadian, but I finished my masters degree in Boston and went straight into working at the MFA, but after working on a brief project in Calgary, I realised I wanted to work more in my specialist interests, y’know? So I applied for a role at the Museum of Art here, and became the associate curator of European Art. It’s…it’s everything I could’ve wished for, when I was studying,”

Dougie took a sip of his coffee while Ashley processed that flood of information, hoping he hadn’t come across too strong. People really did tend to zone out when he talked about his work…but hopefully because she also had an interest in European history and art, she wouldn’t be put off?

“I can definitely relate to following and achieving my passions for a niche subject,” Ashley grinned, “and I love that you love it so much. It’s rare, to find someone who gets such genuine joy out of their work. Even though work can sometimes be super stressful,”

“Stressful, but worth it. Especially when a new exhibition comes together so well,” Dougie agreed.

“Oh?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

Dougie licked his bottom lip, trying not to look too nervous. This exhibition is such a big deal, and it had been such a lot of work. He could get a little excited about it now, right?

“Yeah, I’ve been working solidly for the past few months on the new exhibition – it’s opening next weekend. It’s a collection of Italian Renaissance Art,” Dougie said, a little hesitant.

Hesitant…because maybe that was a bit flashy? Did it sound like he was bragging? He really hoped not – not just because he was so proud of his work but he genuinely did want to excite Ashley…

“Oh no way! Really?” Ashley gasped.

Dougie bit his lips to control his grin. Oh thank fuck. Finally, someone he could actually impress with his love of art history. “Yeah, last quarter the museum acquired over 30 paintings from the 14th century from various collectors and this will be the first time they’ve all been together in the same room,”

“I bet they’ll be so beautiful all together after so long,” Ashley said, her voice a little wistful.

Wistful? He could fix that. Maybe. Yes, this was the perfect opportunity…

“Maybe we could…I know this might feel a little soon, but I’m…

Dougie trailed off with a frustrated groan, making Ashley giggle. For once, just once, let him be smooth! He took a deep breath, before trying again.

“Would you like to come to the exhibition opening with me?” he asked softly.

Ashley’s jaw dropped slightly, but she quickly nodded, making Dougie’s heartbeat kick up a notch. “Really?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’ve got a plus one as the associate curator, and there’s no-one else I could imagine going with. I think you’d love it,” Dougie explained, “and I’d love to show you the artwork,”

Was that too desperate?

“I’d…wow, I’d love to go with you,” Ashley said, her expression shy but pleased.

Shy but pleased. He could work with that.

“Great, it’s a date!”

Oh God. Dougie could only freeze…but then Ashley smiled. Huh, maybe not so cringey?

“A date huh? I’d love that too,” Ashley said shyly.

Oh thank fuck. Ashley just giggled at Dougie’s blush.

“Give me your number and I’ll text you the details?” Dougie suggested, trying to salvage at least a little bit of his dignity.

As Ashley took his phone from him and entered her phone number, Dougie could only sit in shocked silence. He’d done it. He’d actually asked her on a date. On a date where he could impress her with a topic they both loved so much. All he had to do now was not fuck it up.

That wouldn’t be so hard, right?

*

Ashley had been in a little bit of a daze when Dougie had left for work. He’d asked her on a date. On a date! And they’d exchanged numbers, Dougie having sent her a little smiley face so she had his number in return. She was just thankful that there wasn’t much work for her to do that day – there was no way she wouldn’t been able to focus otherwise.

And then throughout the week, they’d started exchanging cute little messages. Just sweet little things, like how was your day? and look how cute this dog is and I had the loudest school tour group come through the museum today and which of these texts is going to give me the worst teacher rating? – it was all silly and sweet and fun, and Ashley couldn’t remember the last time that the potential of a relationship had excited her so much.

There was just something about Dougie that made her heart beat a little faster every time she thought of him. It was bad enough when he would smile at her in passing in Storm Surge…but now, with every little text, she felt herself smiling even more than she could’ve imagined, like a giddy little schoolgirl with a first crush.

Because at the moment, it really was just a crush. They hadn’t gone out on their first date yet – in reality, they’d only sat together twice, with one of those times essentially being the exchange of their names. They’d only had one conversation in person. And the texts were so sweet and lovely…but they were just texts. She didn’t want to get ahead of herself and get her hopes up, you know? God knows that had happened enough times.

She couldn’t help but hope that finally, she had met someone with real potential. Dougie made it easy to hope.

Ashley supposed that their first date would be the real test of whether she’d just built up all the excitement of Tall Cute Guy in that coffee shop fantasy in her head, or whether he was the real deal. Their conversation in person on Sunday had been such a good start, but fuck please make him the real deal.

Was it really that much to ask?

Finally Friday rolled around and she was finished with work for the week. Well, mostly. Ashley had just come out of a bi-monthly faculty meeting and just had to check some emails before she could go home for the weekend (and to shave her legs because she found the cutest dress for her date on Saturday) – but as she got to her office, she noticed that Rod had stopped in the doorway, waving to some of their colleagues as they strolled past. Hmm.

“So…you’re looking incredibly chipper for someone who just got out of a tedious faculty meeting,” Rod teased, leaning against her doorframe.

Ashley just laughed, rolling her eyes fondly as she sat at her desk. “I don’t know why you complain so much – you’re the one who runs them,”

“Not through choice, I promise that,” Rod mused, shaking his head, “But you are looking extra cheerful today. Just feeling a little nosy, I guess,”

Ashley bit her bottom lip, hesitating. Should she tell him about her date? It’s not like Rod was a gossip…and it’s not like she had a whole host of friends to tell…

“I may or may not have a date tomorrow night,” Ashley eventually admitted.

His eyes immediately lit up. Oh God.

“Ooh a date, exciting!” Rod gasped dramatically, fanning himself like a southern belle.

“Oh my god, shut up,” Ashley giggled. That could’ve gone worse – but his excitement definitely lit up the butterflies in her stomach all over again.

Rod just laughed, holding his hands up in surrender. “I’m just glad you’re giving someone a chance to sweep you off your feet,” he teased, “Who is he and where is he taking you?”

“He’s a guy I met in that coffee shop I go to on a Sunday, and he’s taking me to the new Italian Renaissance exhibition at the North Carolina Museum of Art,” she explained.

And she couldn’t wait.

“A cultured guy or a try hard?” he smirked.

“A cultured guy,” Ashley giggled, rolling her eyes, “he’s actually the associate curator who worked on setting up the exhibition,”

“Don’t we all love a man who knows his history, even if it is art,” Rod grinned, winking dramatically, earning another giggle, “Let me know how the exhibition is - I know my wife would love to go if it’s any good,”

“I’ll give you a full review on Monday,” Ashley agreed, nodding.

“And a full review of your date,” Rod grinned.

“Okay, out, out. I need to finish these emails before I leave,” Ashley laughed.

“I’m going, I’m going,” Rod mused, “If you need anything, even an escape clause tomorrow night, send me a text, okay?”

Her heart softened a little at his kind gesture, and she found herself nodding. “I don’t think it’ll come to that, but thank you, I appreciate it,”

“Any time,” Rod nodded.

Ashley bit her bottom lip to hide her grin as he shut the door behind him on the way out, and the butterflies in her stomach were still there. Saturday night couldn’t come soon enough.

*

Tonight was the night. Ashley only had a few minutes left before her uber arrived to pick her up to take her to the museum, and she couldn’t resist having a final glance in the mirror by her front door. She’d had a little panic over what the hell the dress code would be for a gallery opening, but after Dougie confirmed it wasn’t black tie, just formal dress, Ashley had consulted with some of her college friends (who were buzzing about the fact that she was actually going on a date), and decided that a midi cocktail dress was the way to go.

And she’d found the perfect one.

The dress she’d picked out in a local boutique was a beautiful forest green colour, complimenting her dark hair and hazel eyes perfectly. It fell to the middle of her shins, as her friends had recommended, and had thick shoulders straps, no sleeves but a neckline with a deep enough v that it should a little cleavage (classy cleavage of course, very sophisticated in her opinion). Her favourite part though was the Marilyn Monroe-esque twirl to the skirt – something she’d tested out several times already – and she just felt glamorous in it. She’d straightened her usually-messy hair and put on a little make-up too, to match the effort she was making with the dress. To be honest, Ashley felt beautiful, and she honestly couldn’t wait to see Dougie’s reaction. It was a hell of a lot different to her usual Sunday Storm Surge outfits, that’s for sure.

Soon enough, her uber was pulling up outside of the Museum of Art, and she thanked the driver as she got out. Thankfully, Dougie was already waiting at the top of the steps for her, and the smile that he sent her way made her breath catch in her throat. Ashley took the time to check him out as she walked up towards him, and she felt those butterflies start up again. He was wearing a gorgeous navy blue suit with a white shirt and grey tie, bringing out the colour of his eyes beautifully, and the stunned expression on his face as he looked at her made her blush a little. That was a good reaction, right?

“Wow. You look…amazing,” Dougie murmured, looking her up and down with awe.

Definitely a good reaction.

“You look really good too,” she grinned.

Dougie grinned back at her, before offering her his arm. “Shall we?”

Ashley fought not to squeal as she tucked her hand into the crook of his elbow. What a smooth move. “Lead the way,”

Dougie walked her inside, picking up a glass of champagne each after they dropped their jackets off. Then they were off. The two of them wandered around through the exhibition, Dougie guiding her and giving her the most indepth information she could’ve possibly hoped for. She’d never had such a personal tour like this, and he was so shy yet so knowledgeable that she couldn’t help but to drink up every word. This was what she had hoped for out of tonight, that passion coming through Dougie, and she was receiving it tenfold.

“This one is one of my favourites. Batoni’s The Triumph of Venice. There’s just so much going on, and I swear I notice something different every time I look at it,”

Ashley looked at the painting, taking in the many figures, the details, the colours, and couldn’t help but smile. It truly was a masterpiece.

“Oil on canvas? Maybe…early 1700s?” she guessed.

“Fuck that’s hot,” Dougie breathed.

He immediately flushed bright red, making Ashley giggle. Good to know that her vague art history knowledge was paying off. And that she could make him react like that…

“I love all the finessed detail in this one. Especially on the carriage – it’s exquisite,” Ashley murmured, looking back at it.

“Isn’t it?” Dougie grinned.

Ashley squeezed his arm gently, smiling up at him, earning a happy smile back. He was so clearly in his element, and she was loving every second. The way his entire face lit up when he talked about art…there was something just so beautiful in that. Those beautiful blue eyes were even more alive than ever, that spark of passion adding such a gorgeous element, and she really wanted to see more of it. That was a good sign, right? That she was already imagining more.

They moved on to the next painting, and Ashley’s breath caught in her throat. Wow.

“And this…this is the star of the collection. Giotto’s Peruzzi Altarpiece, the only complete altarpiece by the artist outside of Italy,”

Her jaw dropped a little. That was a big deal. “The only one?”

“The only one,” Dougie nodded.

“Holy shit,” Ashley mumbled, eyes wide.

Dougie grinned at her. “My sentiments exactly,”

“All of that gold. So much gold. And the details in their faces. Holy shit,” Ashley murmured.

“One of my favourite frescos, and I get to see it every day,” Dougie sighed happily.

“Well count me as jealous,” Ashley teased, nudging him with her shoulder.

Dougie just smiled shyly, rubbing the back of his neck. He was just so cute.

“Would you, um…would you like a new drink?”

“Sure, another couldn’t hurt,” she nodded.

It’s not like she drank champagne that often after all. And it was a special occasion…

They stayed in the museum for another hour, looking over some of the art again as well as mingling with Dougie’s colleagues (including a mostly silent guy Dougie introduced as ‘Foegs’, who gave Dougie a double thumbs up when he thought she wasn’t looking, and a very enthusiastic big blonde man named Jordie, who she learned was Dougie’s boss – which, wow). Their conversation just flowed, and the doubts that she’d had earlier were easily shoved to the back of her mind.

She’d never thought it would feel so natural spending the evening arm-in-arm with a guy, but Dougie had just blown her away.

All too soon, it was time to leave the museum though, and while Dougie got their jackets, Ashley opened her phone to request an uber. 5 minutes away. Perfect.

“I had a really great time tonight,” Dougie murmured, when they were waiting outside.

His own uber was only a couple of minutes behind hers.

“Me too,” Ashley admitted, smiling up at him, “Thank you for inviting me,”

“There’s no-one else I would’ve wanted to take. I just glad you enjoyed it,” Dougie smiled back.

“I enjoyed spending time with you. The exhibition was just a bonus,” she said softly, looking up at him through her lashes.

Holy shit she just flirted. Blatantly flirted. Too much?

But then Dougie blushed a little, before a small smirk spread across his lips. “Yeah?”

Ashley just bit her lip, nodding. Dougie’s blue eyes flashed a little darker, sending a hot jolt running through her body. Oh wow. Just like that huh. But then her phone buzzed, the uber car pulling up to the curb, breaking her out of her thoughts just before they started to spiral.

Calm down Ashley, it’s only the first date!

She waved at the uber driver to signal that she’d seen him before turning back to Dougie. “See you tomorrow?” Ashley asked hopefully.

“Yeah, I’ll be starting work a little later on the one off, as it was the exhibition opening tonight,” Dougie nodded, “I’ll be there,”

Ashley grinned at him, before leaning up and pressing a kiss to his cheek, laughing softly as his jaw dropped.

“Bye, Dougie,” she said softly, walking over to the car.

“Bye,” she heard him murmur, just as she closed the door.

“Hot date?” the uber driver teased.

“The hottest,” she grinned back.

That earned her a laugh, and she couldn’t help but smile as the driver pulled away from the curb. Ashley glanced out of the window, only to see that Dougie hadn’t moved at all – other than his fingers brushing over where she’d kissed his cheek, a hopeless smile on his face.

What a first date indeed.

*

To: Ashley

From: Rod

So how did the date go?

~

To: Rod

From: Ashley

The exhibition was incredible. You need to take your wife, for real.

~

To: Ashley

From: Rod

I actually meant the guy but sure…

~

To: Rod

From: Ashley

He was a perfect gentleman and…amazing.

You’ll get your full gossip on Monday.

~

To: Ashley

From: Rod

Boo fine.

I’m glad you had a good time though!

See you on Monday

*

 “I had a really great time tonight,”

“Me too,”

“I had a really great time tonight,”

“Me too,”

“I had a really great time tonight,”

“Me too,”

Wasn’t the saying that if things seemed too good to be true, then they probably were not?

Ashley had gone to bed feeling over the moon, elated, bubbling with excitement. But when she’d woken up, it was like a dark cloud had settled over her, a heavy rock of anxiety sitting on her chest. Everything had gone so well last night. So well. Too well? This wasn’t the first time that she’d gotten her hopes up only to have things fall apart around her – and her hopes had skyrocketed last night. All she felt was like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it made her feel sick.

That niggling negativity had swum around her brain over and over again, and she hadn’t been able to shut it off – not when she showered, not when she got dressed, and not when she sat on the sofa debating whether or not to actually turn up at the coffee shop.

Was this really what things had come down to? Tempted to break her solid routine, the exact routine she’d had every week, just because a guy made her nervous? Was he really that important? Was she really that much of a coward?

She sat on the sofa so long that she passed the time she would normally leave. Hell, she passed the time she would normally be sitting down at her usual table. Oh god she couldn’t take this. It was too much. Her legs bounced nervously as she pulled up the message thread she had with him, typing out a message to cancel…

…and then she deleted it.

Fuck that shit. No matter how anxious this whole dating thing made her feel, nothing was worth this. She couldn’t just not show up, that wasn’t right. That wasn’t her. Fuck this. As quickly as she could, Ashley grabbed her laptop and her handbag, driving as fast as she could to Storm Surge.

When she parked her car, she noticed that she had a few texts from Dougie. Oh god.

~

To: Ashley

From: Dougie

Hey, I’m coming a little earlier than usual today!

~

To: Ashley

From: Dougie

Are you running late?

~

To: Ashley

From: Dougie

Are you coming?

~

Oh god. Ashley winced, practically running to the shop, immediately spotting Dougie at her usual table in the back. The sheer relief on his face made her wince again. Fuck. His expression dimmed at little, but she quickly ordered her usual latte from Andrei, who looked an interesting mix of confused and concerned, but she headed over to Dougie without hesitating.

“Hey, um, sorry I’m late,” she murmured, setting her coffee and her laptop down on the table.

Dougie frowned at her briefly, clearly taking in whatever the hell her face was showing.

“Is everything okay?” he asked softly.

Ashley bit her bottom lip, hesitating. Might as well tell him the truth, right?

“I, uh, I was second-guessing everything?”

“Second-guessing?” Dougie asked, frowning harder.

Ashley just sighed. “Yeah, um, it’s dumb. I just…it all seems too good to be true? I woke up feeling like I’d gotten my hopes up and…fuck, I’m sorry. I just feel stupid now,”

Looking up at Dougie’s sad face immediately made her regret telling the truth, but it was too late now. Fuck. Why did she have to ruin everything? The fact that he was staying silent just made everything worse. Should she just go?

“What do you want to do now then?” Dougie eventually asked “or do you not know?”

Ashley swallowed heavily, looking down at her hands briefly. Hah. The million dollar question. “I know that I like you?” she offered.

Dougie huffed a laugh. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m not going to get mad if you don’t want to go on another date,” Dougie said with a sad smile.

Oh god that was worse. He should never sound that disheartened – it wasn’t right. And it was all her fault.

“Would you even want to go on a date with me again when I’m this much of an anxious mess?” Ashley sighed.

After last night, this really wasn’t where she’d seen her day going. Self-sabotage was a bitch. But it was her own damn fault. It always was. But then Dougie reached his hand forward, fingers brushing over hers lightly to get her attention, making her blush as he smiled a bit more genuinely.

“Yeah, I would like to,” he nodded, “I had a really great time yesterday night, and I still want more,”

Oh, so maybe she hadn’t ruined everything then. What? Well shit, she was grabbing this second chance with both hands.

“I had a great time too,” Ashley admitted, blushing a little bit more, “even with this stupid anxiety,”

“Good. That’s…that’s really good,” Dougie laughed, “well, not the anxiety part, but I’m going to prove to you that this isn’t just getting your hopes up,”

“I’d like that,” she murmured.

Dougie smiled at her, a truly genuine happiness, making her breath catch in her throat. Fuck she didn’t deserve this. But there was no way she was going to let herself ruin this, not now.

“Maybe we could just talk for a couple of hours before I have to go into work? Have some coffee, a couple of those delicious blueberry-lemon scones, and just see where things go?” Dougie suggested.

Ashley nodded, the tight ball in her chest immediately loosening. God, he was such a nice guy. “I’d definitely like to get to know you more,” she agreed.

“Scones are on me then,” Dougie grinned.

Hope. A second chance. Bring it on.

*

When Dougie eventually walked into work, his shared office had more people in it that he cared for. Well, okay, that was a little mean. But right now was not the best time for the combination of Jordie and Foegs as well as Sebastian and Teuvo, especially not when all four of them had met Ashley last night. Not when they were all so intense. Not while things were still so tentative.

“So, how did it go?” Jordie asked excitedly, “it looked like the two of you were having fun!”

And here we go.

“Well last night, at the exhibition, went really well, but…”

Jordie and Foegs frowned as he trailed off, Sebastian and Teuvo just looked confused. Dougie sighed and sat down heavily at his desk.

“She was really hesitant this morning. Like, so full of anxiety that she almost didn’t show up for coffee,” he admitted, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck awkwardly.

“What do you mean?” Jordie asked, tilting his head to the side in confusion.

“She thinks it’s too good to be true?” Dougie winced.

Foegs looked a little stunned, Jordie’s jaw dropping. But then Sebastian jumped to his feet from where he was sitting on Jordie’s desk.

“Well then you’ll just have to sweep her off her feet!” Sebastian said firmly.

Really? Dougie sent him an unimpressed look, but Sebastian’s pout stayed serious as Teuvo giggled.

“As much as I hate to say it, Sepe has a point,” Foegs shrugged, making Sebastian stick out his tongue at him, “the two of you looked like you’d really hit it off when we were all talking, and the fact that Ashley did meet you this morning means a little anxiety shouldn’t stand in the way,”

“Take her on another date. Wine and dine, man. It’s a classic for a reason,” Jordie added, nodding seriously.

Well shit, if Jordie was being serious then maybe it would work.

“Thanks guys,” Dougie murmured, smiling softly.

“Anything to land you the woman of your many dreams,” Jordie beamed.

Dougie just blushed. Sebastian wriggled his eyebrows, Teuvo just punching him on the arm. It was almost a nice moment.

He waited until Foegs, Sebastian and Teuvo had left to start working before he pulled his phone out, biting his bottom lip as he thought of what to say.

~

To: Ashley

From: Dougie

Hey, I’m glad I saw you today.

I hope you’re still doing okay.

How do you feel about getting dinner with me?

~

Dougie jiggled his leg nervously as he logged into his computer, waiting with baited breath for any reply.

And then eventually, his phone buzzed. Ashley. Thank god.

~

To: Dougie

From: Ashley

I’m alright thanks. That scone definitely helped ;)

I would love to get dinner with you.

~

Dougie couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. Good. This was good. They exchanged a few more messages, eventually figuring out that because of his next few late nights with the exhibition and her essays she had to mark, neither of them were really free until next Saturday. A whole week away again. Fuck. No, this was going to work. Dougie knew it was worth it – and if she needed him to text a lot over the next few days to remind her that he was all in, that he wasn’t just going to disappoint her like those other guys, then he absolutely would.

Wine and dine next Saturday. He could absolutely do this.

“Hey, what was the name of that place you took your wife out for date night a couple of weeks back?” Dougie asked, looking up at his boss.

Jordie’s face lit up. “Oh man, it was so good…”

*

As Dougie promised himself, they kept texting throughout the week. He told her fun stories from visitors to the exhibition. She told him silly comments her students made that she couldn’t respond to without laughing in class. He told her all about his time in Boston. She told him all about her time in New York. He sent her a picture of the cutest trio of dogs his neighbours adopted. She sent him a picture of a sunset that took her breath away. Things were…good. He was just glad that Ashley seemed as enthusiastic as she was before their first date.

All he could hope was that he was proving to her that he was different. That he was serious about giving their budding relationship a shot. He hadn’t bonded with someone as quickly as this, as deeply as this, ever – so he wanted to see where it went. The unknown with Ashley genuinely excited him, and he wanted her to feel the same excitement.

He could only try to be good enough to deserve her.

By the time Saturday rolled around, Dougie was a nervous wreck. He’d left work exactly on time for once, Jordie giving him a thump on the shoulder and Foegs a thumbs up (he mostly ignored Sebastian and Teuvo’s shimmies), racing home to change into a nice sweater and his favourite pair of smart jeans. Casual but like he cared about making an impression. That was what he was aiming for.

And then Ashley arrived 10 minutes early, just after he’d arrived himself, looking nervous but happy in the prettiest baby blue tea-dress he’d ever seen, with her hair curled and wearing a pretty pink lipstick. Wow.

“You look beautiful,” he blurted.

Oh god. Mr Smooth, again.

Ashley just blushed, smiling up at him. “Thank you. I love your sweater,”

Dougie blushed in return. What a pair they made.

“After you,” he said, opening the restaurant door for her.

As much as her anxiety had worried him, he was so glad he didn’t give up – she was absolutely worth it. They were lead to their table, Dougie being a bit extra and pulling out Ashley’s chair for her, but the giggle he got in return was what he was aiming for. Wine and dine. Sweep her off her feet. That’s all that he wanted to do, and if it was working then he wasn’t going to stop now.

“I was thinking we could split a bottle of wine tonight, if you want?” Dougie offered.

“Yeah that sounds good to me,” Ashley nodded, “Maybe a white wine?”

That was more than okay with him. Red wine made him a little…over the top? He definitely talked too much when he had red wine, he knew that much, and he wanted to save at least a little dignity tonight. Hopefully, at least.

The wine was ordered, and by the time they each had a cold glass of sauvignon blanc, Ashley looked as relaxed as Dougie felt. He could only hope the rest of this night turned out the same way.

“So did I tell you what one of Rod’s students said to him yesterday?”

Dougie grinned, shaking his head. “No you didn’t!”

Ashley grinned back. “Well…”

They talked for hours, sharing stories about their jobs, their interests, their families, not stopping when any of their three courses came, not hesitating even once. Nothing was awkward in the slightest – their conversation just flowed like they’d known each other for years, and Dougie’s heart was just so happy. This was everything he’d wanted for so long, someone he could truly been 100% himself with, and he couldn’t believe that she seemed as into him as he was into her.

How was this possible, after only two dates?

Time flew by so fast, too fast, and they did eventually have to leave their table, even as much as Dougie didn’t want the night to end. He just felt utterly consumed by her, completely and utterly lost in her very being, and he didn’t want this feeling to stop for anything.

It probably didn’t help that they’d split three bottles of wine though.

It wasn’t enough to make either of them sloppy drunk, not with the delicious food they’d eaten, but Ashley was definitely a bit more giggly than usual, and he was definitely smiling like an idiot.

“I wish your uber wasn’t on its way,” Dougie sighed, when they were outside.

“I’m actually not a far walk from here, so I was just going to walk home?”

At this time of night? Absolutely not! Ashley saw the look of indignation of his face and burst into laughter, making him blush (again). What? He wasn’t wrong for being worried about her getting home safely.

“You could always walk me home?” she suggested.

Oh. Oh. Oh yeah okay, he could do that.

“Yeah, definitely,” Dougie nodded quickly.

Dougie’s heart started beating a little faster as she looped her arm through his, and it was all he could do not to smile at her too helplessly. How did she manage to affect him like this? He’d never fallen so head over heels so quickly. And she seemed completely oblivious to how gone he was for her – in the most innocent of ways.

They walked slowly, leaning on each perhaps a little more than they would without the wine, but it just meant that they had more time for talking. Dougie was blissfully happy to let Ashley rant about the indignity of the black myth surrounding Eleanor of Aquitaine, taking in everything that she was trying to teach him. He loved how much she loved her medieval history, just like he loved his art. It was quirky and different and so unique to her. And honestly, he could picture them doing this together for years, discussing their passions and their love for their careers and…

“Okay this is me,” Ashley announced, breaking him out of his thoughts.

Dougie looked up at the old two-storey home with a smile. So this was her home. Pretty.

“That wasn’t so bad a walk,” Dougie grinned.

“I feel bad now though, making you get further away for your own journey,” Ashley frowned.

But Dougie shook his head. “It’s fine really. I’m sure there are plenty of ubers still running around here,”

“Well…”

Ashley trailed off, biting her lip, making Dougie smile. What was on her mind?

“You can stay, if you want?” Ashley said, a shy smile on her face.

Oh fuck. Stay? Ashley saw the shock on his face, before she blushed furiously, quickly shaking her head.

“I have a spare bedroom! I swear I didn’t mean it like that,” she groaned, covering her face with her hands.

Dougie couldn’t help but laugh, tugging her hands away gently. Not that he was opposed to…sharing a bed with her, but that wasn’t the vibe of tonight. Tonight was for building them up, getting them to a more comfortable level. And fuck did it feel good tonight.

Waking up to see her first thing in the morning would only be icing on the cake.

“I would love to stay, as long as you don’t mind,” he said softly, brushing his hand against hers.

Ashley inhaled sharply but nodded, wordlessly reaching in her handbag for her keys. They stayed silent as they walked into the house, Dougie barely moving a foot away from her as she showed him the kitchen, the bathroom and then the spare bedroom. He could do a proper tour in the morning, he knew that. He was just a little stunned that he was even still with her, to be honest.

“So here’s some basketball shorts that my cousin left last time he visited. I don’t have a shirt big enough for you though,” she apologised, handing him a soft bundle.

Dougie just shook his head, smiling. “This is more than enough. I usually sleep shirtless anyway,”

Ashley’s lips parted a little in surprise, her eyes glazing over slightly, making Dougie grin as she shook her head as if to clear it. Good to know he had that effect on her.

“There are spare toothbrushes under the sink from when I last when to the dentist’s office, so help yourself to whatever one?” she offered.

Dougie just nodded, squeezing her hand as he walked into the bathroom. He willed himself to retain at least a little bit of chill as he got changed, quickly washing his face and cleaning his teeth with one of the toothbrushes she’d offered. This was all still a little bit surreal, being honest. But he was going to seize this with both hands – this was a chance he was never going to get again if he fucked up.

Ashley couldn’t seem to keep her eyes off him as they swapped places in the bathroom, and Dougie tried not to grin as he flexed his abs a little, making her blush. He could have a little fun, right? Especially since he knew the boundaries he needed to stay behind, he wasn’t dumb.

By the time he’d put his phone on charge and folded his clothes onto a chair for tomorrow, and then headed back out into the corridor, Ashley was back, dressed in a cute little pair of shorts and a giant t-shirt. Oh wow, he could definitely imagine her wearing his t-shirt to bed one day. No, not the time!

“Hey,”

Ashley’s voice brought him out of his thoughts, and he couldn’t help but smile down at her.

“Hey,” he murmured.

“See you in the morning?” she said hopefully.

Like fuck he was going to leave. “Bright and early,” he nodded.

But when she didn’t go anywhere, her hand moving to rest on his bare arm, Dougie couldn’t stop himself from stepping towards her. Fuck. She inhaled sharply, but didn’t push him away, and that was all he needed.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked lowly.

Ashley’s lips parted in a soft gasp, but she nodded. “Yeah, please,”

Dougie raised a hand to cup her face, giving her one last out, but as she raised up on her tiptoes he didn’t hesitate any further. He leant his head down, and pressed his lips to hers softly, barely able to stop the moan that wanted to tear from his throat. Holy shit. Ashley clutched at his biceps, leaning up into the kiss even more, making Dougie’s head spin as he kissed her softly, slowly, over and over again. This was so not what he expected from tonight, or even hoped for, but fuck did it fill his body with butterflies. Holy shit, kissing her was everything. Eventually, he brushed his tongue against hers gently, before pulling away, knowing there was a stupid smile on his face.

“Wow,” he breathed.

“Wow,” she nodded, laughing softly, “That’s one hell of a goodnight,”

Dougie laughed softly too, pecking her lips in a soft kiss one last time before stepping away. She leaned against the wall, looking a little stunned, making him grin as he walked into her spare bedroom. If he didn’t walk away, he knew he would do something stupid to break them out of this perfect little sweet bubble, and that wasn’t what he wanted. Not tonight.

Tonight had been perfect. 

*

Ashley woke up slowly, a little groggy, feeling like she was forgetting something. Then she heard the bathroom door opening, and everything came flooding back to her. Dougie was here. He’d stayed over after their date last night. They’d kissed. Holy shit. Holy shit. She took a deep breath to calm herself, fingers rising to her lips without a second thought, and it was all she could do to smile.

Dougie had kissed her. And it was everything.

She squealed softly into her pillow, feeling stupidly giddy, before quickly picking out a cute jumper and her comfiest skinny jeans to wear. She could hear him moving in the spare bedroom, so she quickly darted into the bathroom, washing and then brushing her teeth, unable to stop the smile that spread across her face at the sight of the toothbrush that Dougie used resting in the holder. There was just something about it that felt right.

She took a deep breath, running her hands down her sweater to smooth it, before she headed out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. It didn’t take long for Dougie to join her, and he accepted the glass of juice that she passed him with a smile.

“Good morning,” he murmured.

“Good morning,” she said softly back.

Dougie seemed to hesitate slightly, before his face became determined. She didn’t have time to ask him what was wrong before he leant down and pressed his lips to hers in a firm kiss. Ashley whimpered softly into his mouth, earning a soft noise back, and it was all she could do to clutch at his sweater. Holy shit. This was just as incredible and sweet as she remembered from last night. Wow. Dougie cupped her face with his free hand, thumb brushing over her cheekbone as he slowed the kiss down to a few gentle pecks, before he pulled away with a smile. Ashley just smiled back up at him, a little overwhelmed in the best way. Wow.

“Coffee shop?” he said.

“Yeah, if that’s alright,” she nodded.

He understood her routines. And he didn’t care that she wanted to stick to them. How could she not appreciate that?

Dougie just nodded in response, smiling as he sat down at her kitchen table, taking a sip of the juice she’d given him. “I wouldn’t mind changing out of last night’s clothes though. Not really my vibe,” he teased.

Ashley giggled, understanding perfectly. It wasn’t her vibe either.

“I could drive you over to yours, to get a change of clothes, and then we could head to Storm Surge together?” she suggested.

“Yeah? You want to walk in together like that?” Dougie asked, a little hopeful.

Holy shit, that would be one hell of a declaration. But…

“Yeah, I want that,” she nodded.

The grin that spread across Dougie’s face made the butterflies in her stomach worth it.

“Let me just put on some mascara and lipstick, and we can go?”

“Sure, whatever you want,” Dougie smiled.

Now that was a dangerous thought.

All too soon, Ashley was parked down the street from the coffee shop. She took a deep breath, Dougie sending her an encouraging smile, before she steeled herself and got out of the car. This was nervewracking. Storm Surge was her home away from home, her safe space, her comfort, and now she was completely changing the status quo. But as Dougie walked to her side, smiling down at her with such hope in his eyes, she knew it was worth it. He was worth it.

“Ready?” Dougie asked, holding out his hand.

Holy shit. Bring it on.

Ashley smiled up at him, taking his hand in hers, embracing the butterflies that came with the warmth of his grasp. They walked to the coffee shop together, Dougie squeezing her hand gently as she opened the door and walked through.

“Ashley! And…Dougie?”

Andrei’s gasp made her blush, Dougie just laughing. Then Andrei’s face broke into a huge grin, and he spun around.

“Marty! It’s happened! It’s finally happened!” Andrei yelled into the back of the shop.

What the hell?

A door slammed open in the back, and then Marty came barrelling out. He took one look at them holding hands before punching his fist in the air.

“LET’S GOOOO!”

Ashley flinched at Marty’s loud voice, but couldn’t help but giggle when he bounded over to Andrei, swinging an arm over his shoulders.

“Finally! Do you know how long we’ve been rooting for you two?” Marty beamed.

Oh god. Ashley blushed furiously, as did Dougie, and she couldn’t help but laugh. “Was I that obvious?” Ashley asked shyly.

“Both of you were. It was so frustrating but so sweet,” Marty shrugged, Andrei nodding enthusiastically in agreement. “We just hoped you guys would take a chance,”

Take a chance. Hah. That’s definitely a good way to describe it. And he was so worth taking a chance on. Dougie smiled fondly down at her, before pressing a gentle kiss to the top of her head.

“Well I’d say our second date went pretty well,” Dougie said softly, squeezing her hand.

Ashley smiled back, nudging him with her shoulder, earning coos from Marty and Andrei.

“Okay, you two are giving me cavities,” Marty said cheerfully, not even slightly annoyed, “Coffee and anything you want to eat, on the house. I need to tell Slavs – he’s going to be thrilled!”

Ashley just giggled, leaning into Dougie’s body as she looked over the cakes and pastries on display. Being with Dougie, this fledgling relationship, was scary – but it was also so exciting. She couldn’t wait to see what happened next. This was the start of something amazing, she just knew it.

[survey--s]

07.

Have you ever been served breakfast in bed?   Yeah, but I’m actually really fussy about eating food other people have made so I prefer to get up, make it myself and then go back to bed, lol. Which is what I do every single weekend, actually. What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked?   I couldn’t tell you, I’m not much of a chef.  Are you one to approach others, or let them approach you first?   I generally let people approach me - I’m not big on approaching people, lol.   When was the last time you took painkillers?   Last week or so, maybe. Have you ever picked flowers out of someone else's garden without asking? Maybe as a little kid, yeah.

Who did you give them to, or did you keep them for yourself?   I probably gave them to my mum. What is your favorite thing to do as a little kid?   I used to love playing make-believe, reading, playing with dolls and playing outdoors - riding bikes, skating etc. Are holidays as fun for you now as they were when you were younger?   They’re just different. When I was younger I loved doing all the commercial Christmas stuff, but now as an adult I just appreciate the time off work lol. I mean, don’t get met wrong we do do some Christmassy stuff but generally it’s just nice to be able to “be”. Do you find non-fiction to be boring?   It depends on the topic. Are you a punctual person? Or are you always late? I’m definitely punctual and I hate being late. My business is one of those ones that means I can’t always be on time (’cause you know, animals aren’t robots) so I’ve had to implement time slots so I don’t feel like I’m always late, ha. Do you own a thesaurus? Do you actually use it?   I don’t, no. What is the longest essay or research paper you have written?   20,000 words. Do you ever write your own short stories?   I used to when I was younger, yeah. Have you ever won money by entering a contest/raffle?   Yeah, but nothing major. Have you ever lost something very valuable?   Not in a financial sense, no. Have you ever lost something with a lot of sentimental value?   Yes.   Have you ever been close to drowning?   No, thankfully not.

Have you ever had a panic attack?   Yeah, they’re horrendous and something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. What stores do you go into when you go to mall?   I haven’t been to a mall in almost five years, lol. We don’t have typical malls near here. Do you ever stop to eat in the food court?   Again, we don’t really have food courts here but when I go to Australia I always go to the food courts - just because they’re a bit of a novelty to me, really. Do you find it easy to relate to other people?   No. Who is your favorite philosopher?   I don’t have one.   What is your favorite song to sing?   I mean, it depends on my mood. Do you consciously try to be unique, or do you just be you?   I’m just me. Do you worry about being judged by other people?   No, not really. I don’t really think much about other people, in all honesty.  If someone doesn't like you, do you usually want to know the reason?   It depends on who that person is to me, I guess. When was the last time you told someone something really important?   I can’t remember. Have you ever lost a large amount of money?   Nope, thankfully not. Have you ever tried to blame something you did on someone else?   I’m sure I have done, yeah. I used to hate taking the blame for things when I was younger as I was always worried I’d get told off. Did that person get in trouble, or did the plan fail? I don’t remember. What is the weirdest hairstyle you have ever had?   The hideous boys-style haircut my dad inflicted on me when I was about six, lol. When did you first get a cellphone?   I was about thirteen or fourteen. Do you have your own laptop computer?   I do.   Do you drive your own car, or your parents? I have my own car and I occasionally drive my husbands’ car too.

What were you doing before you started taking this survey? Messing about on Reddit and watching Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners. Describe the best summer you ever had?   Summer 2015. Spending all day out at the pool with Linnet, late nights out with friends, pub gardens, sunshine and no worries. Do you eat any meat other than turkey on Thanksgiving?   We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving here. Did you attend a pre-school?   Yes. Do you remember what it was like to learn to count to 100?   Nope. What is something you lost in the process of growing up?   Innocence and naivety. Do you wear any wristbands? If so, what's on them?   Nope. What was the last picture you were in?   I took one of Layla sitting on my shoulder like a parrot the other day, lol. She used to sit like that as a kitten.

Did you have required reading material in high-school?   Of course.   Do you keep your room organized?   Yeah, I’m a very neat/tidy/organised person. I can’t abide a messy home. Do you vacuum daily?   Yeah, at least once a day. How many board games do you own?   Maybe 2-3. Own any books?   Of course, hundreds of them. Recently checked any books out from the library?   No.  I’ve lived here for nearly four years and I’ve never stepped foot in our local library, lol. Part of that was due to COVID, though.  Does your cat give you kitty kisses?   Layla does, yeah, and so does Toby sometimes. Purrlock has better things to do (like eat). Whats in your make-up bags? I don’t have a makeup bag.

[katierosefun]

author interview tag game

thank you for the tag, @pandora15! <3

Name: caroline

Fandoms: mostly the clone wars, but i also have some marvel stuff, and waaay back in the day, i wrote some doctor who and merlin stuff!

Where you post: primarily on ao3! i mostly just write on tumblr when i’m accepting prompts from like...ask games or something.

Most Popular Oneshot: real

Most Popular Multichap: to these memories (this fic only recently hit 1k kudos, and my heart?? w h a t)

Favorite Story You’ve Written: def. to these memories because a) longest fic i’ve ever written, and b) oh, the hours i logged into writing this fic, and c) oh, the outlining that went into this fic...i’m very proud of myself for completing the fic, and of course, i credit this to everyone who showed their lovely support for the story. :’)

Fic You Were Nervous to Post: uhhh definitely too far just because it’s...rather personal. i sometimes say that there’ll be a scene or two or just straight up a line or two that’s plucked out of my real life, and i think it’s inevitable for writers of any kind, including fic writers, to isolate their real lives completely from whatever they’re writing, and?? this fic is probably the most personal for me because of that. i remember kinda hem-hawwing about posting it, because i was like whoa, maybe this is a little too personal? but then i steeled myself and was like, “okay, well, would this have lifted my spirits when i needed a story like this??” and then decided to post it.

How you choose your titles: i def. toss and turn between titles! there’s a few fics of mine that are straight-up song lyrics (no surprise there), but to my surprise (as i was looking through my catalogue of fics just now), i realize that a lot of my fics are usually just words or two about what i think might have been extremely important to the story. (or captures the overall tone/theme of the story, anyways.)

Do you outline? for multi-chapter fics and relatively long one-shots with lots of moving parts, i’ll outline. but for shorter one-shots and prompts, i’ll usually just stick with the image that compelled me to write the prompt/one-shot in the first place! (and then kinda write around that.)

Complete: uhhhhh, i’m gonna answer relatively for all my clone wars fics, because in total, i have 74 completed fics. (make that...75, hopefully in a few minutes or hours!) but out of clone wars fics, i have 46 completed fics! (and again, hopefully 47 in a little while.) a part of me is lowkey hoping that i’ll get up to 100 total fics by the end of this year. a part of me highly doubts it, but given how much i was able to write over summer break, i’m...intruiged if i wind up somehow writing another twenty or so fics by the end of this year. (asfsf my wip list is long enough to fill in for another twenty fics. caroline finish all your wips challenge.)

In Progress: okay, so officially, time, wondrous time is in progress and online. but in terms of the works in progress on my laptop...i have...*mutters, counting* fourteen official wips. (ten of them are one-shots, and the other four are longform fics. one of them, i’m hoping to release next week (!!!), and another, i’m hoping to release hopefully around mid-december. uhhh so fingers crossed??)

Coming Soon/Not Yet Started: oops, i guess i kinda already answered that question, but eh, might as well! the one coming out next week (hopefully!! caroline get your shit together challenge!!) is titled most ardently, and it’s an obitine au based off pride & prejudice because i cannot and will not shut up about obitine being the period drama ship out of star wars okay--

and then the other longform fic that is very overdue is called getting lost in a big galaxy, which is a fix-it of sorts taking place after season 5. anakin’s gone missing, and obi-wan winds up going on a galaxy-ride road trip with ahsoka (who, remember, has left the order) to find their idiot. this is honestly my excuse to just write more obi-wan and ahsoka content. hopefully, that’ll be posted in december!! (despite the fact i...originally meant to post it in august oOps.)

and then there’s this other longform fic which...might be coming in early 2021 called red, underlined, which is essentially...uh. everyone’s a stressed out law-school student, and anakin might have accidentally murdered professor palpatine, and now anakin, obi-wan, ahsoka, padme, and rex are all trying to find out what the hell to do with themselves because they’re all in on it. (def. influenced by how to get away with murder except without the criminal justice professor to lead them through the ropes. so more chaos. kind of a dark comedy vibe, if anything else? anakin no is major theme in this one. uh, i mean, maybe anakin was justified in murdering creep palpatine because our gang’s gonna find out what was going on in the background, but either way! lots of “holy shit are we good people are we bad people what are we doing”. lots of questions about morality! ethics! law school student study nights with anakin sprawled out on the floor and obi-wan wearing glasses (which he pushes up the bridge of his nose whenever he’s about to lecture anakin that no, that’s not how that statute works, dumbass) and ahsoka just bringing snacks and rex catching paper airplanes and padme being the one to supply everyone with very neat flashcards. this fic is gonna be an absolute beheamoth, and i’m estimating about 45 chapters? like...130K+ words? help? yeah idk either this really blew up in my head

and then...this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job, which is...office x tcw au. only not? it’s very, very loosely based off the office, but not really. obi-wan moves in as a new manager of a company, and we’ve got anakin being like “lol new guy i’m gonna mess with him”, and ahsoka being the one who’s both like “please don’t mess with our new boss” but also being like “actually, wait, lemme help”, rex being in hr and being like “i don’t get paid enough for this”. (also there’s some parts that are written like actual interviews like you would find in the office, so there’s this one bit where uhhh

Obi-Wan flicks his eyes to the cameras in silent question before turning back to Ahsoka. “Well, if you need to call maintenance, then I hardly think you need my permission—”

“Thanks!” Ahsoka says quickly, and she’s about to disappear from the doorway when Obi-Wan stands up.

“Wait, Ahsoka, what exactly—”

Ahsoka re-appears at the doorway. “Oh, right,” she says. “Um��maybe just stay away from the men’s bathroom for a little bit.” She pauses.

“Actually, just stay away from them for the rest of the day.” She hovers by the door for a minute longer, and then she adds quickly, “And maybe also avoid the breakroom. Everything’s fine!”

And with a perfectly not-fine smile, Ahsoka disappears from the doorway.

Obi-Wan stares at where Ahsoka was just a moment ago, and the he turns to the cameras in disbelief. “Did she just—” Unable to finish his own sentence, Obi-Wan starts out the door. “Ahsoka?”

The camera follows Obi-Wan out of the conference room and into the breakroom. There are only muffled shouts—Anakin’s shouts, and then Rex’s, and then Ahsoka’s frantic “no, sorry, everything’s fine!”, and then Obi-Wan’s loud, “What is going on in here?”

surprise y’all just got a snippet i’m sorry can you tell i’m weirdly into this au?? i need to rewrite some scenes but uh there you go

Prompts: for the most part, yes! i have some stuff in my faq about prompts that i’ll probably turn down (mostly anything that’s...above a certain rating/really, realy heavy themes that i just don’t think i can tackle with justice or with enough education on my end). i can be a little slow with prompts, but i’ll get to all of them in time!

Upcoming Work You’re Most Excited About: uhhhh i have too many that i’m excited about. literally i can write a mini essay on every single one of the fics i’m working on? but uhhh i guess since i already talked about all my major longform fics above (asdfasdfsd didn’t mean to do that, i’m so sorry for everyone who had to scroll past that word-vomit), i guess the one i’m most excited about releasing is the post season 7 obi-wan-and-ahsoka-finally-talk-about-how-they-miss-each-other-also-sorry-for-fighting-with-you-i-know-you-were-just-trying-your-best fic. (not a whole ton of spoilers for this one, but uh. i’m looking at some of these scenes and making frustrated sounds because there’s this one particular instance where i’m like, ahsoka. ahsoka just talk to him just ta lk to him but then lol no talking :)) also maybe some h/c? lowkey sickfic might be involved in this somehow? might have accidentally served as a precursor to to these memories? help? this fic just ballooned. caroline keep your ideas contained challenge!)

No Pressure Tags: @lightasthesun @soplantyourownflowers @ohhellokenobiand anyone else who wants to join!

[threeletterslife]

Chana! What are some stories that have stayed with you through the years, and writing that has impacted your own?

ooh nice question! i wasn’t sure if you meant some of mY stories or others’ stories, so i’ll answer it both ways! (this post is crazily long i’m so so sorry)

some of my own stories that have stayed with me through the years: you & me both, over the moon and insurrection/the exam

y&mb was the first full-on angst story i’ve ever published. (before publishing that, i was actually known for being a fluff writer 🤡 i know, crazy, right??) but y&mb sits in a very special place in my heart. when i was writing it, i was happy with where my life was going (i’d finally gotten out of the slumps) and the topics showcased in the story actually really hit close to home so i was also seriously invested in the characters too. overall, it was my best work for a while. but looking back, i feel like i could’ve written it so much better. it was only like what? less than a year ago? but idk i love it but hate it at the same time. the kind of thing where i laugh and cry at the memories from it, but also would HATE to read it again. still, the plot of y&mb was something i developed for YEARS before i even attempted to write it, so yes, it did stay with me through the years. and i know for a fact it’ll stay with me for longer in the future

otm is an interesting one. i finished the series this year i think (which sounds so crazy,, it feels so long ago). but the plot i planned for years! i always save my *special* plots until i think i’m capable of writing them. i still think i should’ve waited a lil longer when i wrote otm because i’m not 100% sure that was my best work ever. but otm just makes me reflect back on the crazy times. like the characters in the story, i also felt so confused and unsure and NUMB when i was writing otm—mostly because the pandemic had just gotten serious in my country and things had started to become like a mf SHITSHOW :(( i connect so much with the characters in otm... (i mean, who doesn’t love an intj mc qUEEN??) so yeah. i also LOVE oc and yoongi’s relationship in otm. their romance is actually something i want with my future s.o. LOL (something subtle, something steadfast and most importantly—STEADY). i wish i could rewrite it now fsjfjj but that goes for all of my stories

insurrection/the exam kinda go together. i’ve had the idea for insurrection the longest out of ALL of these stories lol. i think i mentioned it before but i always felt so intrigued by a ‘school revolt’ kind of idea. so i always kinda wanted to write a lowkey satirical(?) story full of morally ambiguous characters and questionable academic organizations. that turned out to be insurrection, which i waited for (i think? three to four years?) before i finally wrote it. AGAIN, it could’ve been better, but at this point, let’s just accept the fact that i’ll never be satisfied LOL. insurrection’s welton high school is based on my own high school,,, so you can tell how shitty my experience with education was in my high school years 🥳anyways, that’s why insurrection is so important to me. i feel like, in a way, it tells my story (and my friends’ stories too). the exam is a less optimistic (more satirical) view on the education system. while insurrection focused more on the students (their passions, their will to rebel and ‘cheat’ the shitty system), the exam focused more on the unfairness that students’ intelligence could be scored with fucking TESTS. one test that determines your whole future. utopia and dystopia respectively represented privileged children (who were more likely to succeed in the exam) and the lesser privileged children (who would inevitably fail the exam because they were never given the resources). yeah, i think the exam could’ve been executed better, but i think the overarching theme was there, which i’m pretty satisfied with. i’m passionate about screaming that the american education system sucks (as you can tell by this painfully long paragraph) lol i’m thinking of writing a fic in the future about an education system that actually works!!

ANYWAYS I’M SO SORRY I WROTE SO MUCH FUCK. BUT THERE’S MORE,,, HANG ON

others’ stories and writings that have impacted my own!!

starting with published authors! i’m a huge HUGEJFLKDJFLSDJ fan of louis sachar (i’m convinced this man is a genius lol). i LOVED holes, i LOVED small steps, i LOVED fuzzy mud, i LOVEDDD the whole wayside school series. he’s so witty? and creative??? like i owe all my outrageous ideas to him because he probably single-handedly taught me creativity when i was a kid LOL another author i LOVE is fredrik backman. he writes the best slice of life/coming of age stories. i’m particularly fond of a man called ove and my grandmother asked me to tell you she’s sorry (which inspired nothing a lil green can’t fix!!). honorable mentions go to ishiguro���s never let me go, faulkner’s as i lay dying, juster’s the phantom tollbooth. omfg i also had a HUGE shannon hale phase (the goose girl, enna burning, rapunzel’s revenge)—very fairy tale-esque but so magical and charming and CAPTIVATING!! i owe all of these authors a huge motherfucking THANK YOU. because they built me up this far 😭😭😭i love authors who are able to fully develop their characters or have the most amazing world-building ever. i think that’s why i put so much emphasis on my characters too. i rlly learned from the best 😭😭

as for internet authors!! i actually IDOLIZED this one author from wattpad (she was SERIOUSLY underrated). and i know there’s a stigma around wattpad authors (lowkey rightfully so; there’s some nasty stuff on there) but chloe was so SO talented. she wrote like a poet. it was insane. i never saw anyone who had a way with words like her. we were actually pretty close for a while but lost touch over the years. anyways, she wrote this beautiful, heartbreaking story called chrysanthemum,,, she deleted her account though so it’s not there anymore. (i know. i agonized over this for hours). she also wrote a horror fic (creatures) that STILL chills me to the bones. she inspired me to try writing horror too (in the future, i will!) 

other than that, i love all of @inktae​’s fics! she’s also an AMAZING writer. (her writing style is so eloquent and elegant and ugh! perfection!) her stories will make you feel nostalgic and lowkey heartbroken. she also writes a lot about nature/being around nature—it’s such a nice, beautiful, serene feeling. (she’s also the master of bittersweet endings!) i think i became obsessed with bittersweet endings because of her LOL some of her works that literally breathed LIFE into me: the blue notebooks, below thunder showers, written on the sky, first light (all of them are worth reading. her fics make you want to become a novelist—the inspiration i get from them is amazing!)

another legend is @jimlingss​!! i still keep up with literally all of her works because istg she never disappoints. she has such a simple but fluent writing style, which i LOVE! it’s engaging through and through. and man, she has a talent for storytelling! but the one thing no other internet author can top is kina’s characters. some published authors can’t even develop a single protagonist in the 456 book pages they wrote yikes. (but just saying, kina can do it in like 9k words.) i have no idea how she does it but her characters just feel human—even if they're not, they STILL FEEL REAL??? (sorry i’m just fangirling) but like i’m serious, she really did inspire me to start putting more depth to my characters. after all, why would the reader be invested in a story if they don’t give two shits about the bland-ass characters?? her pivotal works that made ME wanna pIVOT my whole writing career: tears of a villain, flames and floe, game of temptation, head over heels to hell, a voyage to liberation, ghost in the machine, the weekend massacre, love pages, moirai, a piece of the moonlight

i mean look, i’d put down way more fics of kina’s that inspired me to become the writer that i am now,,, but i don’t wanna make this long ass ask even longer so ummm i’ll have to stop 😭😭but i am literally in love with all of these published and internet authors. i just don’t understand how they are so talented. i really DO learn from the best. and i learned different things from each author too!! 

all of these stories (mine and others) have impacted my writing in some way or another. from my own, i learned from my mistakes lol. from others, i learned how to be a better writer. you can only write as much as you read. i stand by that fact to this day

anyways i’m so sorry you had to read this whole fucking essay 😭😭😭😭

[all1e23]

Swallow [Pt.1]

Chapter: Still Yours

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Summary: You come back home after being gone for five years, and everything is just as you left it. 

Warnings: Nothing but angst for this chapter but series: Possessive, jealousy, heavy angst, violence. More to be added.

A/N:   This is sort of a continuation of my one-shot ‘Home.’ It’s really more of an expansion on that idea I guess. Same warnings as before. Some possessive behavior from Bucky. He’s still extra soft. Send me love??? 

***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam though! Thanks!***

February 14th, 2008

James Buchanan Barnes was going to be the death of you.

The way he looked at you. That little smirk. Those pretty blue eyes watching your every move. It made your insides quiver and your heart flip in ways you didn’t know existed outside of terribly written romance novels. You only wished he didn’t do it in the middle of class so you could concentrate on something besides those butterflies in your stomach.

“It’s not just penguins you know. Did you all know that a swallow, once they have found their perfect match, they mate for life and if something ever happens, if they get separated from each other or one of them is injured, they will never mate with another.” The sound of the bell cut Ms. Hill short, and she frowned. “Ah, crap. Well, we can pick this up in our next class. Enjoy the rest of your Valentine's and don’t forget your essays are due in a week!”

Everyone picked up their bags and scurried out of the classroom, you included.

“Sweetheart, wait up!” Bucky shouted, hot on your heels. You tried to bite back the smile on your face and seem annoyed with his persistence. He has been flirting with you and asking you out for nearly a year now, but you’ve watched as he’s dated girl after girl and it never gets passed one date. You weren’t interested in being just another one night to anyone, but especially not to Bucky. The way you felt about him was bigger than one night, and you didn’t think you could survive being cast aside once he got bored.

Besides, if you got involved with him, it wasn’t just him was it? It was everything that came with being him and that included his father’s club.

It didn’t take much for Bucky to catch up to you. He gently grasped your elbow and crowded into your space until your back was flush against the outside wall of the gym. “You know I was thinking while Ms. Hill was talkin’.” He dipped his head down whispering, “You’re my swallow. The second I laid eyes on you. I knew you were it for me and I’d never find another.”

You swore your heart was going to burst right out of your chest and into his hands. Why did he have to say sweet things like that when they were just a line. It wasn’t fair how weak he made you with so little effort on his part. You sagged against him letting him support your weight, but your face remained blank.

“You do realize that every guy in our class is using that same line right now.” You managed to squeak out.

Bucky shrugged. “Yeah, but I’m the only one that means it.”

“Come on.” He whispered as he ran his nose along yours, grinning when he heard your breath catch in your throat. “Go on a date with me. Please? I don’t wanna spend forever alone, baby.” You knew you were going to regret this, but there was something about him… and you couldn’t shake it.

For whatever reason, you couldn’t say no.

“Okay,” you breathed against his lips. “One date.”

He pulled back before your lips could touch. Your first kiss wasn’t going to be against some smelly ass gym if Bucky had any say in it. “I’ll pick you tonight at seven. I’d wear jeans if I were you.” He gives your hip a gentle squeeze. “We’re going on a ride, baby girl.”

Your eyes widen. “But – but! I’ve never been on the back of a motorcycle!”

He smirked. “Good. I like being your first, pretty girl.”

You were such a goner.

--------

For the longest time, this blacktop that raced under you felt like if heaven was anywhere, it was right here with him. Golden rays warming your cheeks, your chest pressed against his harsh leather, the brisk wind making your toes curl. With every turn, your heart would beat a little faster as your arms tightened around his waist as if he was the anchor that kept you safe and grounded. The squeal that would leave your lips every time he sped up, the deep chuckle and gentle kiss to your wrist that followed every single time.

His heartbeat was tethered to yours, and you wouldn’t have had it any other way.

That very same blacktop that held some of your favorite memories was holding every ounce of your pain and heartbreak, bringing it out from the dark place you had it buried. Every inch closer to home brought out another piece of heartache you thought was tucked safely away where it was unable to cause any more damage.  

It seemed he could still hurt you even when he was no longer holding you.

You had hoped the sight of your old home would bring you some kind of happiness, but it only felt like another dagger twisting deeper and deeper into your chest. Part of you hoped that all those sweet memories would override the bad, but deep down you knew those good memories never stood a chance. The only thing that brought a smile to your face was the dork standing out front, waving like a complete moron for all your neighbors to see.

Clint jumped off the porch and ran right towards you scooping you up the second you were within arm’s reach. He spun you around a few times before letting you land not so gracefully back on your feet. “Shit I missed you, bug. Been way too fucking long.” “I talk to you every day Clint.” You replied as you walked back to unlock the back of your jeep, slipping your phone in the back pocket of your jeans as your eyes scan the street for any sign of that black and chrome motorcycle. God must be on your side because there was just some old black SUV parked across the street.

No bikers around. Besides Clint.

Clint rolled his eyes as he followed you around to the back of your jeep. “Not the same as you being here and actually getting to see you.” You shook your head and kissed his cheek before grabbing some boxes. It was only a matter of time before he was brought up. You just wanted to get your things inside, shower and maybe finish off the bottle of wine you stuffed in your suitcase before Clint uttered his name.

Silent bouts of tension filled the air and that was when you knew you weren’t going to even make it through the front door.

“He know you’re back?” Clint questioned as he pulled the two large boxes you were attempting to carry all on your own -- you weren’t on your own anymore, Clint wished you would realize that.

You cleared your throat and reached for some of the smaller boxes and the old wooden box that was wrapped securely in a blanket, refusing to look up and meet Clint’s eyes as you headed for the house. Clint wasn’t going to let it drop that easy though. You knew where all of this was going, and you didn’t want to think about it all just yet. The last thing you wanted to do is think about the man that broke your heart.

After all, he was the whole reason you left town and left your entire life behind.  

“Ah, shit. Y/n…” You could hear the disappointment in his voice, and that unexpectedly stung. Clint shook his head. “You know it’s only a matter of time before he finds out. If he doesn’t already know.”  

Your disappointment faded and it was quickly replaced a deep ache that nothing could cure. You know, you’ve tried everything to wash his mark off you. There was nothing that could take his claim off your heart.No one except you needed to know that. You looked up at Clint and shrugged as carefree as you could manage with a poised heart infecting every inch of you. Clint didn’t need to know how deeply you still burned for him.

“Why does he need to know, hm?” You dropped the boxes on your old bed and began to unpack, intent on ignoring where this conversation was headed.

“Because you’re his and you know it,” Clint said matter-of-factly. “You’ve been his since we were kids. That doesn’t change because you left town.”

“That was a long time ago.” You whispered. “James Barnes doesn’t have a claim on me anymore.”

The feel of his name rolling off your tongue felt… strange and just as painful as you thought it would. You’ve spent the last five years avoiding anything that had to do with that man as if just the sound of his name on your lips would burn you. The thought of saying it again made your heart race in the most devastatingly beautiful way, and you hated the hold he still had on you.

You were still the fool in love with the past.

Clint’s eyes dropped to your wrist, and you quickly tugged the sleeve of your sweater down before he could get a good look. You knew what he was looking for and frankly, it was none of his damn business. The only people it concerned were you and Bucky. You doubted he would even care what was written on your wrist. He certainly didn’t care what was written within your heart.

“You ever going to tell me why you left?” Clint prodded gently.

“Nope.” You turned around and continued unpacking, avoiding looking him in the eye as much as you could. Clint sighed as he gently kicked the larger boxes towards the closet.

“You’re not supposed to keep secrets and lie to your brother.” He scolded making you snort.

“Adoptive brother.” You corrected. “I don’t think that counts. It’s not even legal Clint. You just took me in, refused to let me leave and tell everyone I’m your sister.”

“Okay, first off.” He pointed a finger at you. “That’s rude and second, it absolutely counts.” A small laugh slipped out, but he could tell you were still all up in your head about something, and it had to do with being here -- with being home. You nearly didn’t come back. If Clint hadn’t begged you, you weren’t sure you would have had the courage.  Clint had a feeling it had more to do with who home was to you.

“Hey. Just stop all this.” He insisted. “You can unpack later.”

He grabbed photo albums and shoes in your arms and dropped them back on the bed. “I know It had to be bad for things to go down the way they did. You know Buck didn’t talk to anyone for months? Months, Y/n. Steve had to drag him out of his room and force him to put something besides liquor in him. Couldn’t get him to go on runs. Nothing. He still won’t talk about you to anyone, and no one talks about you around the club.  He turned over his patch to Steve the morning you left.”

You blinked and shook your head in disbelief. There was no way he did that. No way he gave that up because of you.

“W-what?”

Clint nodded, “Yeah, he stepped down and reluctantly took the VP patch.” He kissed your forehead and fidgeted with his hearing aids as he backed out of your room, attempting to give you a moment to yourself. “I’ll bring in the rest of your boxes. Think about what you want for dinner but either way, I’m ordering pizza.”

“Pizza is fine and take out your aids. I know they are bugging you, brother.”  You called after him. He grinned and pumped his fist in the air like the dweeb that he was.

You sighed and dropped down to your bed eyes landing on the wooden box peeking out from the blanket you had used to try and hide it from Clint and maybe from yourself. “Stop judging me. You’re just a dumb box.” You picked up the judgmental box that was still wrapped in your old blanket and shoved it into the back of the closet setting your box of shoes on top of it.

Some things you still weren’t ready to face.

--------

Damn did Bucky hate listening to the radio when he worked in the garage. It was like that fuckin’ song came on repeat just to torment him every single time. Five years after it all went down, and he still had to listen to it? The damn song is nearly fifteen years old. Shouldn’t there be a limit on how long a song was allowed to be played on the air? This had to be well past the limit.  

“It’s been a while since I could say I wasn’t addicted.” Peter sang loudly into the mop handle as he swept around the garage. Bucky looked up over Steve’s bike and narrowed his eyes as the prospect continued on. “It’s been a while since I’ve gone and fucked things up like I always do." Bucky groaned, and Peter only got louder,  "but all that shit seems to disappear when I’m with you-- Ow. Shit!” He looked down at the screwdriver laying on the floor and then back at Bucky who smiled.

“You could have taken my eye out!” He squealed as he rubbed the side of his head where the screwdriver had struck him.

Bucky grinned at the kid, “Was aiming for your voice box, but eye would have worked fine.”

“That’s… rude. I don’t sing that bad.”

“It’s not you. It’s the song, Peter.” Steve deep voice rumbled through the garage and his hand slammed down on the top of the radio, silencing the dreaded song. “No music while Buck is working in the garage. Especially not that song. Go find something to clean over there by Sam, kid.” He shoved Peter towards the other end of the garage as he made his way towards Bucky.

“Hey, punk. You come to check on your girl?” Bucky asked with a smug grin, hiding his thanks behind it.

Steve smirked and sat down on the stool next to Bucky and held out one of the two beers in his hand, “Yeah, you fuckin’ jerk.” He nodded towards the bike in front of Bucky. “How she doin’?”

Bucky reached out and took the bottle setting it on the floor next to him. “She’ll be fine. Gettin’ her cleaned up now and a fresh coat of paint as soon as that is done, she’ll be road ready. Maybe don’t lay her down next ride though? Stop being a reckless idiot before Peggy beats your ass.”

“Like I had much choice.” Steve snorted. “Red Skulls are getting out of hand, and I don’t like how much time they are spending in our territory. They need to be dealt with, and I won’t have them this close to the girls. I don’t like it.”  

Bucky gave a slight shrug as he spun the wrench around his fingers. There was only so much they could do right now. Sherriff was breathing down their necks. They had runs to make that needed to go unnoticed and starting a war with another club wasn’t the best idea if they wanted to stay under the radar, but Steve was right. If they were willing to lay Steve down in the middle of the day the girls most likely weren’t safe. At least one of the girls were out of danger.

“How you wanna handle it?”

“Not sure yet.” Steve sighed. He was dreading what he had to tell Bucky next. There was no way of knowing how he was going to handle it. “We’ve got a bigger problem right now.”

Bucky sat up straighter and crossed his arms over his chest, an amused grin lighting up his face. “Well, color me interested, Stevie. What’s so important?”

“Y/n is back.”

The grin slowly fell, and his arms dropped to his side. Of all the things he thought Steve was going to say, that was not on the list. In fact, it was nowhere near the list.

Peter leaned over to Sam and whispered, “Who is Y/n? Why does Mr. Bucky look like he’s going to throw up?”

Sam sighed and shook his head, eyes stuck on Bucky. “Stop calling him Mr. Bucky. It’s weird. It’s just Bucky and don’t worry about her. She’s… She’s Bucky’s, old lady.”

Peter frowned, clearly confused. He was so little when Y/n left and didn’t spend much time around the club. No one has ever mentioned her before, and he has never seen Bucky with a woman or even talk about one. Now he has an old lady? “I thought he was single. He never talks about her.”

“Go get the bar set up for tonight before Bucky kills you.” Sam grabbed his shoulders and walked him towards the clubhouse. “I don’t want to find another recruit to replace you because you can’t keep your mouth shut about Y/n. If you want to see tomorrow, you won’t bring her up to Buck.”

Bucky cleared his throat and looked down at the wrench in his grease-stained hands. “Where did you spot her?” He whispered, trying to keep his voice clear of emotion. It would have worked if he was talking to anyone else. Steve knew him too well to be that easily fooled.

Steve watched him carefully, deciding how he wanted to answer. He wasn’t sure what was going on in his head, but he knew when it came to Y/n Bucky didn’t always think things through. That’s how several men ended up in the ICU for getting a little too handsy. Either he jumped on his bike drove over to Clint’s threw her over the back and dragged her ass back to the clubhouse, or he enlisted whiskey to help wash away any memory of her, and he locked himself away from everyone. Steve didn’t have any other options though, he knew Bucky would tear up the town looking for her if he refused to tell him.

“She was at home. With Clint. Her jeep was fully loaded, and he was helping her carry stuff inside.”

His heart flipped, and he swore it dropped into his stomach. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but he couldn’t help the part of him that was already begging to have her back by his side, “She’s home for good then?” He asked, hopefulness creeping up in his voice even though he tried to suppress it.

“Maybe,” Steve shrugged. “I didn’t stop in. She’s at least home for a long visit with the amount of stuff I saw Clint unloading from her jeep.”

A long visit. Bucky had a feeling that wasn’t it. Not with the way they left things. She wouldn’t have come back if she didn’t intend on making it a forever move. Then again, she didn’t let him know she was coming home. That’s alright. He can work with tats as long as she was back. He won her heart before he can do it again.

“You gonna go see her?”

Bucky ducked his head, letting his hair cover his face and hide the small smile pulling at his lips. He’s been waiting for this day for five years. It was only a matter of time before she came back home. Before she came back to him.

“Nah.” He breathed. “When she’s ready she’ll find me.”

They always find their way back to each other.

It just takes her a bit longer to find her way back.

Masterlist // Next

[det395]

fic breakdown, March 2020

okay, this might be weird or just a huge humblebrag and Ill own that, but I rlly like hearing ppl talk about their fics n I've been proud of how I've pushed outside of my writing comfort zone in the last half of march. I've definitely been one of those people looking for a distraction during this time and writing fic was that for me, so I wanted to ramble about it!

id love to see other people do this about any of their fics!

Jigsaw Falling into Place (3.4k), 03/19/20 

so I fell in love with my same-sex best friend in highschool, what a cliche. and ill relate to dan right now, it was love but it wasn’t happy love. I've been thinking about basing a fic on the experience since literally 2017 but it always felt a bit hard. then, suddenly it just came out of me! and after all this time, it was still cathartic. despite the changes I made to fit dnp, it’s freakily autobiographical lol. the title is a Radiohead song which always reminded me of her, just that feeling of missing out on someone and not being brave enough to stop them as they’re leaving. i don't write many angsty fics, so i’m really proud of the sense of dread that I think is instilled into this writing

Dreams Tonight (1.1k), 03/20/20

a timestamp from antisocialites watch a wilting flower! maybe it’s not the best, but that fic is my pride and joy. most popular and also longest thing I've ever written @ 70k, and writing it was a beautiful experience, nothing has ever flowed out of me quite like this one and I love how i handled the complicated relationships. i always wanted to fill in that time between the last 2 chapters but it was hard to capture the giddy feelings, so I added some wine and I think this is really cute. in hindsight, I do wish I put in more dog action, though. 

it’s sometimes hard for me to write cheesy things, when I spiral about following stereotypes about fanfiction, something that has been a big source of shame for me before, but honestly, i love it. the title is from the song which has the lyric ‘antisocialites watch a wilting flower’, from the album I listened to obsessively as I wrote this. very nostalgic now. definitely a time where i jump through hoops to connect my favourite songs to a story sgdhf

Love that I give (1.6k), 03/26/20

I also sometimes feel shame around writing smut, and it often makes me question my sexuality and spiral a bit. I'm trying to get past that because i think it’s super fun. this took me a looooong time to edit this fic to something i liked, but i think it was worth it! like i said, there’s worse things in the world than posting mediocre smut lmao. i like that i managed to place in a more emotional trope into the background of the shameless smut without making it angsty! based on DHL by Frank Ocean just because i began listening to it on repeat lol. yes all of my titles are just songs

Make Me Feel: part 3 (5.7k), 03/31/20

i began this fic in January of 2019 lmao. i started it when i was in a pretty confusing poly/open relationship, and now i am single, but i still feel like my perspective has grown so much and shaped the ending in the best way. i feel guilty for having such a long break in a WIP, but im so glad i got to write the ending now. i honestly don't even remember what i planned the ending to be in the beginning, but i like where it went. i only just posted so i haven’t gotten feedback so i hope everything i wanted to portray about love and communication and feelings shines through. im glad that i discussed both a sexy side and an emotional side to polyamory, i hope it shows the dimensions to poly relationship and neither follows tropes nor intentionally refuses them. I'm also proud that i got to write some more ~steamy things~ (esp one scene in the 3rd chapter which i love) and think about my relationship to sex and whatnot. title by Janelle monae, obvs lol.

here's the breakdown for the last half of march, when i was quarantined (date --> title --> starting word count --> ending word count --> word count/day/fic) (orange being WIP, green being posted, and purple being school essays I've handed in) courtesy of @jestbee’s wordcount tracker

I wrote 18297 words in total this month which is the first time I've reached (and surpassed) my monthly writing goal this year. on average, I wrote over 1000 words a day for the last 16 days, ranging from 93-2099 words/day

I was hoping to write a cathartic quarantined together fic this month too but I began to have a lot of doubts about it and I restarted it so maybe sometime soon it’ll be released lol

[skatingthinandice]

Tagged by @midnightanddiamonds, thank you so much! This looks like fun <3

Pick 10 ships without reading the questions.

Aethelflaed/Aldhelm (The Last Kingdom)

Michael/Thomas (Man in an Orange Shirt)

Harry/Ruth (Spooks)

Alfred/Drummond (Victoria)

Florence/Siobhan (Death in Paradise)

Leofric/Uhtred (The Last Kingdom)

Doctor/Rose (Doctor Who)

Feron/Marcheaux (The Musketeers)

Molesley/Baxter (Downton Abbey)

Jocelyn/Maggie (Broadchurch)

Questions!

1. Do you remember the episode/scene/chapter that you first started shipping 6?

It definitely came on gradually and happened like five years ago now, but I think the moment my heart was officially sold to them was their first scene in episode 5, the moment after Leofric removes his sword from Uhtred’s neck and they laugh and hug with relief at seeing each other again.

2. Have you ever read a fanfiction about 2?

MIAOS is one of the smallest fandoms I’m in, so there isn’t much fic out there, but I have written my own! Dear Darling took me over a year to write, but I knew I had to give Michael and Thomas their happy ending!

3. Has a picture of 4 ever been your screen saver/profile picture/tumblr?

Unfortunately not! I wrote enough fics for Alfred/Drummond in the short space of time they were together though.

4. If 7 were to suddenly break-up today, what would your reaction be?

Doomsday is the worst thing I’ve ever watched in my life, I still bawl my eyes out to this day. So yeah, I think it’s fair to say that I can’t handle Doctor/Rose splitting up.

5. Why is 1 so important?

Gahhhh OKAY WELL, without turning this into a massive emotional essay, let’s just say that Aethelflaed deserves a kind and gentle love, and after my poor darling Erik died in s2, her relationship with Aldhelm in s3 made me realise that she could have that love again. Although they aren’t together romantically at the moment (though fingers crossed for s5!), their loyalty, trust and respect is so wonderful, and their lil moments of flirting make my life.

6. Is 9 a funny ship or a serious ship?

Although Molesley was essentially the comic relief character in earlier series’ (and in the movie, which I’m still conflicted about), the moment Baxter arrived in the show we really saw a deeper side to his character. Their relationship is built on supporting each other and is truly beautiful, even without the romantic element.

7. Out of all of the ships listed, which ship has the most chemistry?

Harry and Ruth’s entire relationship was pretty much built solely on chemistry and connection, cause lord knows they weren’t allowed to have anything else.

8. Out of all of your ships listed, which ship has the strongest bond?

I’d have to say Michael/Thomas, cause their love story lasted over a decade and beyond, and I will never ever be over them.

9. How many times have you read/watched 8’s fandom?

Nearly twice lol, for some reason we abandoned our rewatch of The Musketeers mid-way through s2 last time, but we’re planning on rewatching again soon.

10. Which ship has lasted the longest?

I’ve shipped Doctor/Rose for the longest time, it’s been, what, fifteen years? I was about ten when I watched it, so...

11. How many times, if ever, has 2 broken up?

Michael and Thomas never really broke up in the sense that neither of them ever stopped loving each other, though they were forced to part three times (and admittedly, one of these kinda counts most as a break up).

12. If the world was suddenly thrust into a zombie apocalypse, which ship would make it out alive, 2 or 8?

Michael and Thomas were admittedly in a war and both have unbelievable and admirable reserves of strength. If they were in hiding during this apocalypse, they’d be good. In terms of fighting, Marcheaux could single-handedly take the zombies on and would do to protect Feron. I don’t really know how you’re supposed to handle a zombie apocalypse lol.

13. Did 5 ever have to hide their relationship for any reason? 

Florence and Siobhan were never canon (bc the writers are cowards) but no they would never have had to hide their relationship, their family and friends would have been so supportive!

14. Is 4 still together?

No, Alfred/Drummond are not still together, thanks to history and Daisy Goodwin.

15. Is 3 canon?

WELL, how to answer this one?! Harry and Ruth technically went for one date, then she had to leave the country for like three years and stopped Harry from confessing his love. On her return, he proposed practically out of the blue and she turned him down but they still loved each other, and THEN SHE DIED. So, they never actually said they loved each other, they were never a couple, and yet they are canon. Does that make sense?

16. If all 10 ships were put into a couple’s Hunger Games, which couple would win?

Leofric/Uhtred, definitely! I love battle couples so much, and these warriors are the best (also Leofric isn’t dead so it totally holds)!

17. Has anybody ever tried to sabotage 10’s ship?

Yes, Jocelyn herself. From what we know of their backstory, she stepped away from any relationship they could have had, and only when they meet again many long years later does she finally confess that she’s loved Maggie all this time.

18. Which ship would you defend to the death and beyond?

Leofric/Uhtred, mainly because I once received a comment on one of my fics for them that literally just said “Uhtred isn’t gay. Sorry.”

19. Do you spend hours a day going through 1’s tumblr page?

There’s not enough there to spend hours in their tag lol, but I do check Aethelflaed and Aldhelm’s tag every day to see if my friend’s posted any new gifsets ahahaha, there’s pretty much only content from me and her in there atm!

20. If an evil witch descended from the sky and told you that you had to pick one of the ten ships to break up forever or else she’d break them all forever, which ship would you sink?

I mean technically Florence/Siobhan isn’t canon, and Death in Paradise already sunk any chance of it happening, so...

Tagging: @estelanel, @maurice-and-music, @wildwildtarget, @explodingpringlescans and anyone else who wants to do it and has an hour spare lol

[not--amanda]

1,3,5,7,9,11,13,15,17,19,21,23,25,27,30

this is gonna be a whole essay and a half. buckle up.

are you currently crushing on someone?

no :( I wish I was but unfortunately I am not. actually scrap that yes I have a tiny baby crush but it will never go anywhere I just think she's really fucking hot cute

have you ever been in a long term relationship?

my longest relationship was like 7-8 months so not really

have you ever asked someone out?

I’ve done that twice. one time it worked and the other it didn’t

have you ever been kissed?

yup

when was the last time someone broke your heart?

March 8 really if we’re talking about major heartbreak but July 18 is a strong contender 

are you more of a flirt or a hopeless romantic?

I’m so much of a hopeless romantic but in a flirty way, you get me??

do you have a crush on the person you last kissed?

nope nope nope nope

have you ever written a poem/song about someone you had feelings for?

I’ve done both but we don’t talk about that

are you currently single or taken?

I am so very single

have you ever been broken up with?

unfortunately

what is your favourite quote or lyric about love?

I'll take care of you. It's rotten work. Not to me. Not if it's you.

does the person you have feelings for know about that?

thank god she doesn’t because if she did I’d have to leave the country

if you could date a celebrity, who would it be?

hmmm maybe Maihua Lee or GFlip both of them are so god damn stunning

have you ever used an online dating site or app to find dates?

yeah but it’s not like they really work and like, I literally can’t leave my house right now. 

what’s your type in a potential romantic partner?

masculine women >>>> literally everything else that has ever existed

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Great Essay Writing In 8 Steps

Great Essay Writing In 8 Steps Finally, be sure that all the points you wished to discover are on paper and defined totally. Make issues wordier in order to hit your word restrict. However long you are taking, you must nonetheless examine that your essay flows properly. Ending an essay with the same scenario may help to show your point and create a greater understanding. visit the net pageof the University of Richmond’s Writing Center to seek out extra transitional words for a concluding sentence of your essay. It’s a final sentence of your essay, offering a way of closure and connecting readers again to the introduction. Here you’ll have 2-3 sentences wrapping up the arguments of your essay. In this case, I already knew the subject material properly and didn’t should again up each reality within the essay with references. The longest I’ve ever spent on a 1,000-word article was 12 hours. The info I wanted to gather was very technical, onerous to find, and much more obscure, and you can’t write one thing until you actually understand the subject matter. I additionally had to contact specialists for his or her opinions, but I couldn’t even ask about their opinions until I might goal them with the best questions. As a outcome, I actually needed to write many of the article earlier than slotting in the expert remark. Just written out my plan for my essay on the political implications of the Italian Renaissance- Really don't need to begin however I actually have a plan now and really feel more motivated. This also means that you should collect all the data and research you've carried out in one place so that you just wouldn't have to commute between varied applications. We additionally counsel including all the relevant tidbits on to 1 doc to avoid that worry of writing on a clean document. It ought to take lengthy sufficient that you simply get all of the points you want throughout in the writing, but not too lengthy as to bore the reader. If you do your research, use annotations for resources and perceive to whom and what you need to switch than the less phrases the higher. Remember that you're demonstrating deep data of the topic by making it accessible to the viewers with out them doing the analysis. They need to learn the same type of essay again and again when they grade. If they battle to know what you’re saying, you may not get pretty much as good a grade as you'll if you caught to using brief sentences and relatively simple language. The quickest I’ve ever written a 1,000-word article is one hour. The variety of sentences in your conclusion will depend upon what number of paragraphs you could have within the essay. A conclusion should give completeness to your paper. Ending it on a positive note could be an excellent apply. Give the audience one thing to consider after they finish studying your essay. Connect back to the essay hook and relate your closing statement to the opening one. But, as we touched on earlier, not everyone can get their ideas written down and do it eloquently multi functional go. If this is you, then take this time to refine what you have produced and ensure it will get full marks for written communication. We've allowed three hours and 45 minutes for modifying your essay, which might sound a bit excessive – and, for some of you, it undoubtedly will be. While your essay plan ought to see you thru, there's nothing to say that extra ideas will not happen to you as you go alongside. Go straight to the supply and check to see whether the lecturer has revealed an inventory of any advised studying in your module's online platform. Our telephones are essentially the most time consuming wasteful things on us, so make certain to depart your cellphone in a different room or switch it off fully, and maybe use it as a reward for yourself. If you have to, flip off the web or delete apps from your cellphone to ensure productivity. Take all of the stuff you may want from snacks and beverages to pencils and stationary, something you may have to get through 5 hours of intense writing. You should take it all to your most popular place of work or your work station. A good environment for working is essential at this level, and to be able to danger straying everything in a single place will hold you focused. Every laptop computer and computer has a voice typing characteristic that is actually meant for disabled individuals, however you need to use it too. Voice typing requires some apply, so should you haven’t had the possibilities to determine it out, don’t waste your time on it. However, it will serve you nicely to have voice typing set up for future wants.

[rewrite-the-wrongs]

introductions / howdy, pardner

My first short story was about a fishboy and his human best friend. They battled a mutant piranha (whose name I think may have been Mutant Piranha, such was the monumental daring of my creative endeavor) and his army, who were out to destroy a mountain that held a whole planet together. The boys won singlehandedly, because scale was apparently a bit of a mystery to me.

This was the second grade. My teacher--who held me every day as I cried for weeks, confused and miserable and stranded in the throes of my parents’ divorce--understood before I did that I create to a ploddingly slow and steady drumbeat. A sentence is always so much more in my head than I’m able to let out, at first; I have to pore over it again and again, fleshing and flourishing (and often correcting) it, the same way I often have to reread paragraphs or pages or whole books to truly capture their meaning. In a word processor, this back-and-forth is as easily said as it is done; on double-wide ruled paper with dashed-line handwriting guides, the task is magnitudes more time-consuming, especially for somebody as messy as I am. So, while nearly everybody else played at recess on the sandlot and the jungle gym around us, a select few stragglers laid our reading folders on our laps and finished our stories.

My villain, that dastardly Mutant Piranha, found himself in prison at the story’s close. Awaiting trial, I guess; I never ventured that far ahead, seeing the big fishy bastard for a coward. “When no one was looking, he stabbed himself.” That’s the last line, stuck in my memory, not for its own sake, but for my poor teacher’s horrified face as she read my final draft there on the playground.

A mom volunteered to type up the class’ stories and get them printed and bound. For years afterward I reread that collection, always proud to have written the second-longest piece therein. I felt the weight of the pages, inhaled the tiny but acrid breeze that came from rapidly leafing through them. Knew it was a whole smattering of worlds inside, that one of those worlds was wholly mine, and I had the power to show it to people however I wished. Yes, I thought, I want this.

*

I’ve been introduced to writing many times over, by many people. Don’t get me wrong--I nightowled the first several chapters to many half-baked novel concepts all through my youth. But teachers have a way of showing a thing to you from new angles.

The first person to impact me as such was a high school teacher who was essentially given carte-blanche to construct a creative writing workshop in the English curriculum. The first semester was structured--you practiced poems, short fiction, humor and essay writing, drama, the gamut. Every semester after, the carte-blanche was passed on: A single assignment due a week, each a single draft of a poem or a minimum of two pages’ worth of prose. Forty-five minutes a day to work, and of course free time at home. By the time I graduated, I’d finagled my schedule such that I was spending two periods a day in the computer lab, and several hours after school every day working the literary arts magazine before I went home to get the rest of my homework out of the way and write some more..

My next big influence came in the form of  a pair of writers who taught fiction at my university, a married couple. One had me print stories and literally, physically cut them up section-by-section as a method of reworking chronologies. Told me stories happened like engines or clocks or programs--pieces that meshed differently depending on how they were put together, rules that held each other in place. The other showed boundless confidence in me, listened happily to some older students who recommended I be brought on board for a national arts mag. They both encouraged me toward grad school, but toward the end of my junior year I began to stumble, and by senior year I was, to be frank, a drunken asshole. Time I could be bothered to set aside for writing began to dwindle. I limped through the editorship with the help of my extremely talented, utterly more-than-worthy successor--and come to think of it, I’ve never truly thanked her. Maybe I’ll send her that message, now that I’m feeling more myself.

*

On feeling more myself:

That drunken rage was brought on by a myriad list of factors, the primary ones being 1) I am the child of recovering alcoholics, and our inherited family trauma runs deep, 2) An assault that will likely be mentioned no further from hereon in, as I have reached a solid level of catharsis about it, 3) Some toxic-ass relationship issues, and 4) I was a massive egg and had no idea (or, really, I had some idea, just not the language or understanding or even the proper empathy to eloquently and effectively explore it).

I had a recent relapse with drinking, technically--a mimosa at Christmas breakfast at my partner’s parents’ home--but I’m not honestly sure I can call it a legitimate relapse. I’m not in any official self-help group, I’ve never engaged in the twelve steps or a professional rehabilitation. I had a very wonderful therapist for a few years but reached a point at which I could not pay her any longer and we parted ways--I miss her dearly, as she truly became my friend and confidante; she was the first person I came out to, and very well-equipped to handle it, lucky for me--but I’m still on behavioral medication. That tiny smidgen of alcohol pushed my antidepressants right out of my brain, and I became terribly anxious and angry and sad all at once, and briefly lashed out during a conversation with my partner behind closed doors. Not nearly the lashing out I’ve released in the now-distant past--more on that maybe-never, but who knows, as I am obviously a chronic over-sharer.

Frankly, I don’t deserve my partner. She endured my past abuses, told me to my face I had to be better, and found it in herself to wait for me to grow. She’s endlessly and tirelessly supportive of me. She sat with me to help me maintain the nerve to start this blog tonight. I came out to her as a trans woman just under a year ago, now, and I’m happier than ever, and we communicate better than ever. Our relationship is, bar-none, the healthiest and stablest and happiest I’ve ever been in.

So, naturally, I apologized fairly quickly at Christmas, and continuing where I’d left off at two and a half years, decided I’m still solid without booze.

If we’re all being honest, though (and I’m doing my best to be one hundred percent honest, here, though I will absolutely be censoring names because no shit), I still smoke way too much fuckin’ weed. High as balls, right now. 420 blaze it, all day erryday, bruh. That self-medicated ADHD life. I should be on Adderall and not antidepressants, probably, but it’s been a while since an appointment and psychiatrists are expensive, so I’m at where I’m at for now. Sativas help a lot. It helps with the dysphoria, too.

I don’t have a legal diagnosis for gender dysphoria, but tell that to my extreme urge to both be in and have a vagina. I’m making little changes--my hair, an outfit at a time, no longer policing how I walk or run or how much emphasis I put on S sounds. If I manage to come out to my parents sometime soon--and it feels like that moment is closer every day--maybe I’ll tell y’all my real, full chosen name. For right now, call me Easy.

*

Anyhow. My goals here are pretty simple:

1) Share words, both those by people I like/admire/sometimes know! and occasionally words I’ve made that I like. See the above screenshot from my notes app. Steal some words if you want, but if you manage to make money off some of mine, holler at ya gurl’s Venmo, yeah?

2) Discuss words, how they work, and how we create them, use them, engage with them, and ultimately make art of them. I am not a professional linguist, but I went to undergrad for creative writing, so, hey, I’ll have opinions and do my best to back them up with ideas from people smarter than I am.

3) Books! Read them, revisit them, quote them, talk about them, sometimes maybe even review them, if I’m feeling particularly bold. No writer can exist in a vacuum, and any writer who insists they don’t like to read is either a) dyslexic and prefers audiobooks or b) in serious need of switching to a communications major (no shade, but also definitely a little shade @corporate journalism).

5) I added this last, but I feel it’s less important than 4 and does not deserve bookend status, and I am verbose but incredibly lazy, so here I am, fucking with the system. Anyway: Art! Music! Video games! I fucking love them. I’ll talk about them, sometimes, too. Maybe I’ll finally do some of the ekphrastic work I’ve felt rattling around in my brain for a while now. Jade Cocoon 2′s Water Wormhole Forest, looking right the fuck at you.

6) Ah, shit, I did it again. Oh well. Last-but-not-last: This is obviously, in some ways, a diary, or a massive personal essay. I will sometimes discuss people, places, or experiences that have informed my work just the same as other people’s art has.

4) Be an unabashed and open Trans woman. TERFs, transphobes, ill-informed biological essentialists not permitted. Come at me and my girldick and prepare to be dunked on and subsequently shown the door via a swift and painful steel-toed kick in the ass. Everybody who doesn’t suck, if I screw up on any matter of socio-ethics or respect for diversity, please feel free to correct me.

*

Punk’s dead, but we’re a generation of motherfucking necromancers. Be gay, do crime, fight the patriarchy, and fart when you gotta. May the Great Old Ones select you to ascend to a higher plane and learn the terrible truths of existence.

Much love--

Easy

[lostincalum]

Lay by Me- Michael Clifford

A/N: this is based off of a song which gets played in the story, it is called Lay by Me and is by an artist called Ruben i love it, and i hope you will too. 

TW: nahh, kinda for anxiety?? idk

Word count: 2265

For the longest time you had gone without having much of a safe haven. All you did was go to college, do your homework and then go to sleep. Sometimes not in that order, but are you really in college if it doesn’t fuck up your sleep schedule? And you would love to say that that’s all you needed, and that you felt comfortable doing things that way. But to be honest, you didn’t feel like that’s all you needed. Because most of the time, you were really lonely. You needed someone to understand you. Yet you kept sinking deeper into the depression that was growing in your chest.

And then you met Michael, with the big hoodies and glasses. He was sat next to you, one empty seat over, in your english literature lecture, with a beanie on his head and a hand constantly pushing up his glasses as they slid down his nose. What you did notice, was that he kept, not so discreetly, trying to peek over at the notebook you had lying on the tiny table. Without thinking too much, you closed it and slid it down into your little backpack. Afraid that he would see what words were written on the pages. However you glanced over at him, only to be met with pink tinted cheeks and clear green eyes.

“Sorry”

The whisper was soft, barely audible over the profesor talking and the music in the single earbud you had in. Instead of answering vocally, you put on a weak smile and shook your head. Saying it was alright without actually saying it. The funny part was that he seemed to understand. Thinking that was all, you focused your attention back at the professor, who was talking about Frank O’Hara’s poetry.

Until you noticed that Michael had started pushing his things in your direction, before he actually slid his way into the seat beside yours. Now, it wasn’t that you didn’t like the guy, he was actually one of the few people that participated in lectures, and the way he used words always seemed to astound you. However you always got a little nervous when people you didn’t really know closed in on you. And you could feel your leg bouncing, as well as the vague scent of his cologne.You didn’t dare look at him, in fear of him seeing you as flustered as you felt.

It didn’t get any better when he leaned his leg just a smidge to the side so his knee was touching yours. Without even thinking much about it you stopped bouncing your leg. You didn’t think much of it until you realised you weren’t that anxious anymore. This time you dared look over at him, and what you saw made you bite your lip to stop yourself from smiling. He was sitting there, taking notes on his computer, with his tongue sticking out just a little bit in concentration. And from the little huffs that escaped him with every notification that kept ticking in on the side of his screen, you could tell he was annoyed.

You would never admit it, but maybe you pressed your leg a little harder into his, to try and calm him down. The worst part about it was that it seemed to work, because he turned off the notifications from the group chat on facebook, and continued with his notes. It made your stomach churn in the most pleasant way.

When the lecture ended you started packing up your things. Sliding your laptop and notebook into the backpack, you stood up to leave, just as Michael turned to look at you.

“Hey, I was just kinda wondering, would you like to study together sometime?”

The question came as quite a shock and you didn’t really know how to answer, causing you to stand there without answering for a couple of seconds without saying anything.

“I mean, only if you want to, I get it if you’re busy.”

Again he looked at you with those clear green eyes and flushed cheeks. His right hand went up to his face to push up his glasses, showing of his sweater paws.

“Uhh, Yeah no, I’m not busy, actually I’m free the rest of the day.”

It truly was meant as a statement, but came out as more of a question. Suddenly you felt as if you had been too eager when saying you could do it right now. It turned out to be alright though. Because you swore, Michael’s face lit up, like you just told him you had free chocolate.

“Okay! yeah, I can do now, you wanna sit in the Starbucks on campus?”

Michael asked as both of you started heading for the door, where your professor was standing, impatiently waiting for the two of you to get out. You gave her an apologetic smile as you exited the lecture hall.

When you got to the Starbucks, Michael told you to find a table while he got a coffee. So you picked a window table and while waiting for him, you pulled out your notebook, and started scribbling little things you had on your mind down. Yet you were careful, keeping it hidden behind your laptop as you wrote.

“So, how is the assignment in English lit going?”

You lifted your head up as Michael sat down in front of you, giving him a gentle smile, which he returned, while you slipped the notebook back down in your backpack.

“It’s going okay I guess, kinda struggling with the conclusion though.”

It was a spur of the moment decision, letting him into your world like that. And to most people, it wasn’t a lot. But to you, it felt like baring your soul, because your writing was such a big part of you. And Michael is the most honest person you’ve ever met, so perhaps you decided to give some of that honesty back.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I’ve written a lot of conclusions, but this one, it kinda feels different? I can’t quite get the words right, you know?”

He looks at you, like, really looks at you and smiles. The soft smile adorning his lips and eyes, makes you melt just a little bit, with how it reaches his entire face, not just the lips.

“Well, what I usually do is, I take a break, and then read all the arguments I’ve made, and see what kind of vibe it gives off. Then you write the conclusion with that kinda vibe in mind?”

Right then, you swear, that was a defining moment, because even though you had been in college and school for a while, no one had taught you how to deal with things like that.

------

You could swear, nothing made you more frustrated than being behind and stuck on an essay, that was due the next day. Usually you loved the library, it was quiet and as close to a safe haven as you could get. But now, nothing made you feel okay. You had taken a walk around the shelves, tried downing a cup of coffee, but those things only made you anxious. And when the first tear rolled down you cheek, you didn’t know how to stop it. All you could think of was how you were gonna get a bad grade on the essay. After that first thought it seemed like all of the things you had been holding at bay seemed to tumble through your brain.

The section of the library you were in was thankfully empty, until another person entered. Quickly you started packing up your stuff, trying to get away before you could be a bother to anyone. Until a hand, almost covered by a sleeve, stopped you from picking up the last book. You sniffled as you looked at the hand, then the arm. By then you recognized the sweater paw on your arm.

“You okay?”

His voice was gruff, and if you were on the phone with him, you would have mistaken it for a cold, but looking at his red eyes and splotchy cheeks, you knew it wasn’t.

“Are you?”

Michael looked taken aback. Like he hadn’t considered that you might ask, so he sits down on a chair, looking down at his hands on the table. His fingers keep fiddling with the ends of his sleeves.

“Michael?”

You ask carefully, as you sit down next to him, drying your tears with your own sleeves. Trying to collect yourself.

“Can I hold your hand, is that alright?”

All he did was nod, so carefully you put your hand over his.

“You know, nobody really asks me that anymore, it’s like they are afraid I’ll answer honestly.”

To be honest what he said, kind of shocked you. Never would you have imagined that the boy sitting next to you in English would be so similar to yourself.

“I know the feeling, it sucks”

He nodded quietly, then he looked up at you, before he turned around and started digging around in his backpack for something. When he came up again, he had a notebook in his hand. It was bound in brown leather and had a couple of strings keeping the torn spine together. Carefully he undwindeled the strings and leafed through the pages. When he came to the page he was looking for, he carefully slid the book over to you.

I know the places you go to hide I've been in all those rooms I know what that's like Staring at paint as you watch it dry But don’t forget your room is right next to mine

“I’m really sorry, I saw what was written on one of the pages in your notebook, but I really saw myself in the things you wrote, and this is kind of written as an ode to that?”

Michael looked at you with the most vulnerable, honest eyes you had ever seen. He kept fiddling with the sleeves of his sweater, and even bit his lip in the most adorable way. However, you didn’t want his snooping to go by unnoticed.

“You’re majoring in music performance right?”

To say he looked bewildered was an understatement, he only nodded in response to your question.

“So, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this is a song, right?”

Again, all he did was nod, so you proceeded to your question.

“Play it for me?”

And when you watched the warm smile that spread over his face.

“Yeah! of course, it’s just, is it okay if we do it now?”

-------

Michael opened the door to the huge studio the music majors had at their disposal. However, that didn’t mean that they were not taken. And sure enough, there was a girl sitting at the soundtech table as you entered. The light was on low, creating a cozy, comfortable vibe in the room.

“Hey, Sham! you wanna help me record this song? I wanna try doing it in one take.”

The girl turned around in the office chair as Michael spoke. Her kind eyes smiled up at you, as she pulled one of the headphones away from her ear. You envied her for the way she pulled off the short hair.

“Sure, Mikey! Which song?”

It looked like he hesitated for a couple of seconds, peeking down at you for comfort.  

“Uhhm, I was thinking of trying Lay by Me, with just the grand piano.”

You noticed her getting ready by dialing all the buttons to the right place, and flipping on some switches. You stood there and watched with amazement as she fiddled with the buttons to get to the right setting. A second door opened and Michael called out your name to get your attention, yet holding out a hand to beckon you forward with a soft gesture.

He led you into the recording room, which looked more like a band room to you. Even though there currently was a grand piano in the middle of the room, a lot of guitars and basses were hung up on the walls along with a couple of drum sets along the edges of the room. A mic stand with an extended arm hung over the piano.

Now, graceful wasn’t a word you would use to describe Michael, but he looked at home as he moved to sit down on the bench with familiarity.

“Okay, whenever you are ready Mikey.”

Sham said over the speakers, her voice the only sound in the room. Carefully you walked over to the bench and sat down beside him, before he started playing.

When he did start playing, his fingers danced delicately over the black and ivory keys, then he started singing the most gentle lyrics you had heard.

He finished with the loveliest notes and then let the melodies from the piano die out. Quietly you dried the two tears that had dripped from your eyes, and leaned onto his shoulder.

“That was beautiful, you have an amazing voice and the playing, the entire thing, I love it.”

Michael leaned his head down on top of yours and asked a question.

“Would you like to go on a date?”

You chuckled as you looked at his hand playing with your fingers. For once feeling quite content and happy.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Okay, Cliffo, now that you’ve got the girl, get out, others need to use the studio too.”

An adorable giggle followed, from Sham sitting in the booth behind you. You turned and saw her sitting there smiling fondly.

[blackarmyslave]

About Me Tag

Thank you sooo much for the tag @lovingikesen! I love doing these uwu

The rules are:

Tag the person who tagged you.

Answer the questions.

Tag 10 people.

Here it goes~

How tall are you?

I'm 13 and 167 cm. I think that's about 5'4 ft.?

What color and style is your hair?

I have wavy hair that reaches a few inches below my shoulder blades. The roots are ebony black, but it slowly fades to a dark brown, and my tips are colored a rich copper. Lol funny thing is, I've never done anything to them - never dyed it, nor played around with it. They're naturally weird that way just like me.

What color are your eyes?

I can't tell if they're brown or black, honestly xD

Do you wear glasses?

Nope. But, if I look good in them, I'd love to try out fashion glasses (especially those round ones uwu)

Do you wear braces?

Nada.

What's your fashion sense?

Meh. It's not so interesting. I'm that girl who wears plain shirts, especially long-sleeved ones, covering as much skin as possible bc i feel so thicc when exposed, with no shorts or skirts in her wardrobe. I wear a lot of hoodies, varsity jackets, sweaters, sweatpants, sweatshirts, jeans (usually ripped and/or faded) and let my hair down. I never try styling it 'cause I'm the worst when it comes to hair. Also, I only wear earrings for jewelry on regular days. Lipstick and mascara is a go. Zero manicure, too. I wear dresses (I absolutely love them tbh) but never those strapless/really short ones. I'm awfully modest in dressing btw.

Full name?

Angeline Christie (Christie's my middle name xD I refuse to let y'all know my surname, coz privacy)

When were you born?

November 24 ♡

Where are you from and where do you live now?

Philippines and Philippines. Lol if you want more details, then I live in Iloilo. (I've never moved, and I don't think I ever will. It's not common for Filipinos to do that.)

What school do you go to?

In elementary I went to this really preppy school. Now I'm just going to a regular high school that specializes in sciences.

What kind of student are you?

I'm that student who never ever ever ever ever recites. I'd hide under my desk or pretend to be taking down notes so the teacher doesn't call on me. BUT when it's time to write an essay or submit a report, expect mine to be the longest and most detailed; with a hella huge gap from the rest lmao. I'm too damn lazy to study and recite, but I make up for it absorbing every single thing my teacher says, and passing satisfactory projects on time. I stay away from fights lol and I have a phobia of public speaking tho you'd never guess from the way I act in the internet xD. I'm a pretty strict leader but my mates tell me it's cool since our work almost always gets the most praise from our teacher. And I would like to ask God how tf did I get such good photographic memory and analization skills??!??!!?!!!?

Do you like school?

Y E S

Favorite subject?

Literature I guess, or Biology oof

Favorite TV show?

None. I don't really watch the tv that much.

Favorite movie?

Everything marvel uwu ♡♡

Favorite books?

*geek mode on*

- The Maze Runner series by James Dashner

- everything Rick Riordian's written

- GoT books

- The Boy Who Knew Everything by Victoria Forester

-Sarah J. Maas's Throne of Glass series

- P.C. Cast's Sun Warrior

- Echoes of an Angel by Aquanetta Gordon

- Sherlock Holmes stories by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (yes I have the books lmao)

- everything in The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare

- Jamie McGuire's Beautiful Disaster

- Ulysses by James Joyce

- Love Looks Good On You by Lang Leav

-Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451

- Ready Player One by Ernest Cline

- Every Breath by Nicholas Sparks

-Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist

Favorite pastime?

Reading books or wasting hours YouTube. However my earphones are forever stuck to my ears, and I constantly dance around to bop songs and stuff. That's my favorite hobby - dancing and singing like you're having a seizure and/or asthma attack :))

Do you have any regrets?

Well... not being there for my mom while she was dealing with the then-sudden news of my bastard of a father's affair.

Dream job?

Surgeon ASDFGHJKL

Would you ever like to be married?

Fuck yeah!!!! That's definitely my no.1 dream😻

Would you like to have kids?

Yeaaaaaaa uwu

How many?

3 uwu. Maybe a girl, and twin boys...?? Lmaooo

Do you like shopping?

Not really. Only if it's for a couple of high heels or new hoodies. As long as it doesn't take long, I'm good with 'em lol. I get quickly broed tho, especially if I have to shop for complete, blown-out outfits and the sort.

What countries have you visited?

-Hongkong

-does Macau count?

-Malaysia

-Singapore

-my parents are planning for Taiwan (maybe next year). We'll see lol

Scariest nightmare you ever had?

Bruh, I don't do dreams -_-

Any enemies?

YES. Well, if it were up to me, I wouldn't want one, but jealousy is a biatch soooo... our valedictorian, a former gay classmate, and maybe a couple of kids (we used to play but then we got to competitive and, well... stuff happened oof)

Any significant other?

Maybe👏I👏have👏one👏maybe👏I👏don't

Do you believe in miracles?

No...? Idk really

How are you?

Currently dying, thanks for asking

Holy shit that rhymed

Tagging: @bnha-and-marvel-but-somewhat-gay @otome-obsessed @lovingsiriusoswald @toloveawarlord @hello-darliiing @bakugoukatsukitty @mcotome @dreamy-sskiess @spideyjlaw @tomeyooo

[animeraider]

I want to talk to you a moment about fear.

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and then just as I was about to publish it we had a slew of mass shootings, including one in my own geographical back yard, at a festival I've attended with my family. It seems to me that being afraid of gun violence is the one exception to my entire essay, and it does poke a big hole in it. We can't be afraid to close that hole. So here is that essay. +++++++++++++++++++++ I have said for a very long time now that the only useful place for fear in on Rollercoasters. Maybe horror movies. That it. Nothing else. But I want to dig deeper on that theme for a moment, if you don’t mind.

For getting on close to 2 decades now, there has been a political party in this country that has wanted you to be afraid. Usually it’s to be afraid of Muslims, terrorists, foreigner… anything other. They want you to believe that crime is getting worse. They want you to believe the country is financially unstable. They want you to believe there is a gay agenda that will change your life for the worse. A Trans-gender agenda. An Atheist agenda. A war on Christmas. Fear of packages in the mail. Fear of people in black communities, with their high crime rates. Fear of immigrants and the crime they bring. Fear of cartels and gangs that don’t even have a presence in this country. Fear of the Deficit. Fear that higher taxes will kill the economy. Fear that Iran is building an atomic bomb. Fear that the government will take over your healthcare. Fear that the government will take your guns. Fear that the government will take your freedoms.

This really ramped up after 9/11. I won’t kid you, that was awful. Grotesque. I can remember every damned moment of it – feeling genuinely in shock but being brave for my children, who were frightened out of their wits. Grabbing my children from their schools. Picking up my wife from her teaching job and the protocols that say that teachers needs to stay at their posts can go fuck themselves. Hunkering down and wishing it were all over. Thinking about the flight originally bound by my adopted hometown, and our own skyscrapers. It was awful and it opened a horrific wound.

Thing is, when do we get to heal? Why do we need to stay afraid? How can we possibly heal if we’re still afraid?

I’m asking that all of you please, stop being afraid. We’re not the greatest country in the world anymore but we sure used to be. We dreamed big, accomplished even bigger, and created the world’s next great adventures. We don’t do that anymore.

Fear is holding us back. Fear of the other. Fear of the world and how different it is from us. Yeah, we got hurt, badly hurt, but it’s time to heal. It’s time to stop being afraid to heal. It’s not easy, and I don’t deny that. But let me offer you a few notions about fear that maybe you haven’t considered.

I’m not afraid of Muslims. They’ve been part of this country going back to its very foundation. There are more Muslims in the world than there are Americans and there always has been. 9/11 didn’t change that. We’ve been fine with Muslims. Sharia Law isn’t being introduced anywhere in this country. It’s just not. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying, and wants you afraid. If Muslims were such a big problem why are we as a nation so damned friendly with Saudi Arabia? Senegal? Pakistan? Morocco? Singapore? Egypt? Kuwait? Morocco – the first country to recognize the United States as an independent country (1786), and with whom we maintain the longest single treaty in US History?

A Muslim named Fazlur Tahman Khan (an American) invented the engineering system that allows skyscrapers to be built, including the Twin Towers, Sears Tower in Chicago and even the Trump International Hotel and Tower in the same city. He also built the Metrodome. A Muslim named Ernest Hamwi invented the Ice Cream Cone at the 1904 World’s Fair (Martha Stewart has published his original recipe too).

I’m not afraid of terrorists. I actually know someone who died on 9/11 and I completely understand the anger, the fear. I’ve felt it. It’s a physical thing you can feel and touch. But you know what? The country seems to have learned its lesson about how to anticipate this sort of thing. I’d like to think we can relax now. There are people whose jobs are to be vigilant and they’ve been successful since that awful day 2 decades ago. I think we can relax. And if I’m wrong? What’s the point of dying scared? Laugh at death – it’s going to laugh back. Don’t take life so seriously, it was never meant to be permanent.

I prefer to think of them simply as criminals. In addition to not being afraid, don’t make them important.

I’m not afraid of foreigners. I want to see the world, and see the differences and the similarities in other cultures. I want them to be our partners on this pale blue dot. Being afraid of the rest of the world seems just so… lonely. We’re not built for lonely. You’re here, reading this right now, aren’t you? Lonely makes people into monsters thanks to the echo chamber that is our own brains and we must be better than that.

I’m not afraid of crime. Despite all the crime shows on television, cable and podcast crime is actually way down, and is trending down. Even the FBI says so. I’m not afraid of the country being financially unstable. Yes, we have good days and bad days but overall the country is still the largest economy on the planet and will continue to be for a long time unless we intentionally intervene to make it worse. We have safety nets we didn’t use to have. Social Security isn’t going broke. Nowhere close. We have plenty of money. It does, however, need a slight adjustment in who is holding on to it.

I’m not afraid of gays. For the most part, every gay person, every Trans person I have ever met has wanted only one thing – for everyone else to not care that they’re gay or trans. Or anywhere else on the non-binary spectrum. It doesn’t affect you in any way whatsoever. The LGBTQA agenda in schools? Mostly it teaches that it doesn’t matter. Can you stop being afraid of this? Yeah, some religions say that this is a sin but can you stop being afraid of it long enough to take to heart one great lesson in that book of yours? Even if you believe it’s a sin, you love the sinner. That’s it. Stop there. Never, never, never add hate to that. “Love the sinner, Hate the sin” isn’t in the Bible, the Koran or the Torah. Anything further isn’t religion – it’s justifying what you’re afraid of; most likely yourself.

(As a side note, for those of you who use the Bible to justify your fears of these people, I find it hilarious that you keep using the parts of the Bible written by the Romans after they co-opted Christianity. But who am I to judge?)

I’m not afraid of Atheists for the same reason. You know what they want? For everyone else to not push their own agenda on them, just like you don’t want someone else’s agenda forced on you. The Constitution is quite clear on this – no religion will be established by the state. Atheists would like you to support this very American ideal. That’s it.

There is no war on Christmas. There simply isn’t. Atheists exchange gifts too, because it’s nice to do.

I’m not afraid of packages in the mail. Yeah, there was some scary stuff sent out just after 9/11, but the number of people who got those packages/envelopes can be counted on one hand, and it isn’t your hand.

I’m not afraid of black neighborhoods. Crime really isn’t any higher in black neighborhoods than it is in white ones, not when the economics are taken into account. When people have money crime goes down, regardless of the color of one’s skin. Go to any white community where they income levels and cost of living are the same as any similar black neighborhood and you’ll find that the crime rates are just about equal. But the people trying to keep you afraid are white, and black is part of “the other”. There are good people living in those neighborhoods. Kind people. People who would help you.

Stop calling the police on black people. Stop being afraid. Be kind.

I‘m not afraid of immigrants or any crime. Yes, a couple of stories have been sensationalized, but statistically immigrants cause less crime than those of us born here. I’m not afraid of them taking our jobs. If the jobs are there and you want them, apply for them. Those jobs they’re taking are jobs you didn’t want, and they’re there. Immigrants tend to work hard, because they want what we used to be, and what they believe we can still be.

Fear of foreign gangs? Seriously? This might surprise you but MS13 members haven’t been making it across the border. You don’t find them in our detention camps. That’s because they’re not here.

Fear of the deficit? Nope, just can’t do it. Not when the political power who wants you to be afraid stops caring about it when they’re in power, and starts caring about it when they’re not. Besides, when they are it balloons, and when they’re not it decreases. Almost like they’re the cause or something.

I don’t fear higher taxes. Most people simply don’t make enough money where changes in the marginal tax rate will even touch them. Will it destroy the economy? No. The economy could change though. If money gets returned to the lower classes they’ll spend it. The economy should actually get better. The economy was great when Eisenhower was President. When Kennedy was President. We built highways. We went to the moon. You know, when taxes were higher.

Taxes, right now, are lower than they have been in your entire lifetime. Unless you’re over 90 years old.

Iran isn’t building an atomic bomb. They could, if they’re not engaged with. Obama realized this and got them to stop. I’m not afraid on Iran. But some people haven’t recovered from the wound given us in 1979 by Iran. Trump may just be one of them. His National Security Advisor certainly hasn’t.

I don’t fear the government taking over my health care. I’d kind of rather they did so, actually. My mother has Medicare and they’ve treated her better than my doctors sometimes treat me. Her healthcare also costs one hell of a lot less. If we move to a system like the one Canada has then yes, your taxes will be higher. But your healthcare costs will be lower. Much lower than how much your taxes go up. I’d say that’s a trade to not be afraid of.

I don’t fear the government taking your guns. I’d actually be quite happy if they did it but that’s a conversation for another time. It’s simply not going to happen. We do need to have an honest conversation about it though. We’ve lost too many children to guns. Come on people, we can solve this.

There is so much more that people have been trying to make us all afraid of over the past couple of decades. Much more than I could list here. Vaccines, Godless schools, Black people voting, improper birth certificates, QAnon, Impeachment… the list just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on. I’m not afraid of any of it.

And I’m not afraid of Donald J. Trump. Or Mike Pence. Or Moscow Mitch McConnell.

I’m not afraid of anything. I’m an American. A citizen of what used to be The United States of America. I’d like you to be too.

Being afraid is downright un-American. So stop it. All of you. You can do this.

[frequencyfound]

8, 9, 11, 15, 38 !!

I should really just title this “I talk a lot” ◊ @simplyechoes​

( cut for length, because i really do talk that much)

Name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

As someone with a lot of opinions? It’s a bit hard to narrow down on ‘the three things I can’t stand the least’ so this is in no particular order and just random gripes of mine:

People who do not tag triggers. I absolutely understand forgetting or not knowing you had to tag something ( I do that too, so it’d be very hypocritical of me not to ), but I will never get people who make the conscious, constant and generalised decision to not tag triggers at all, any trigger. It’s such an easy thing to try and make the rpc more accessible and safer for everyone. 

The pressure to write with everyone/be friends with everyone/do all the things/reply quickly/etc. I absolutely respect and love the fact that some writers work best that way, because we’re all different and amazing in our own ways and deserve to be celebrated in that sense. However (and this will 100% cross with an answer to a following question), it’s absolutely more than okay to not do it all. It’s okay to be tired, it’s okay to take a break from writing, it’s okay to just do memes and not long threads, it’s okay to come back after months because you had to take care of yourself (and your life, and your loved ones) and it is 100% okay to not be comfortable writing with everyone or to not want to spread yourself too thin or what have you. It’s okay to have your own rules and stick to them. You don’t have to do it all, and that should be celebrated and respected, too. I feel like sometimes it’s not. 

The very toxic mentality that someone having opinions (especially different from your own) is somehow bad or deserves to be mocked or ridiculed when that person expresses them simply in ’I disagree with this’ or ’This makes me uncomfortable’ terms. Obviously there are important exceptions (which shouldn’t even be called exceptions since they seem like common sense, but it’s the term that fit best here) if whatever that other person is defending is foul (whitewashing/incest/non-con/the whole list that follows), but overall, if it’s just a case of differing opinions? I really dislike that the rpc does not always allow a space for that (or at least, a space for that without the fear of being called-out/attacked).

What is your opinion on exclusivity? Do you practice it? Why / why not?

For the longest while, I understood, respected and enjoyed the idea of exclusivity without ever practising it. In truth, I wasn’t holding myself to the positive standards I viewed the exclusivity of others in. 

It changed when I witnessed some narratives which made me deeply uncomfortable and include a character I write (Hélène, in the interest of honesty). Then, exclusivity was not a concept I felt like I had no right to, but a necessity to protect myself from topics I did not want to write, and point of views I did not want to entertain or associate with. When I allowed myself to be uncomfortable (something I’d never allowed myself before, despite the fact I had definitely been uncomfortable and just chose to sweep it under the rug for the sake of ‘not wanting to cause drama’), I started applying what I preached about others being exclusive to myself. 

(I’m going to note here that talking to someone about something which genuinely makes you uncomfortable is not ‘creating drama’. We all have rights to a safe and happy space to write, but I know sometimes rp pressures can make it seem differently.)

I’m now in a place where I could be exclusive, and would never rule it out. On accounts or muses I am not, it is usually a reflection of my own comfort with the fandom. On muses and/or accounts I am open to exclusivity, it is not just about my own comfort, but also because of the relationships (both ic and ooc) I’ve crafted with people I’m exclusive with, because I love writing first and foremost for the in-depth relationships (not necessarily romantic, but of any kind). 

Tl;dr: Prioritizing your own comfort is not creating drama. Being exclusives with someone is not creating drama, and the fact someone might think the contrary baffles me. Being exclusives with people is cool. Not being exclusives with people is cool, too. It’s whatever float your boat, so long as it comes from an earnest place of comfort and joy and mutual respect. We are all here to do what makes us happy in an environment we can feel safe, at ease and having fun in, and it’s up to each individual to decides what works for them and their muses.  

What do you know now about rp that you wish you knew when you first started?

It’s okay to take care of yourself. I think this links back to everything I just said, but it’s okay to not be this superhero who has a job/studies/spends time with friends and family/replies within a day/chats ooc with people/has a great sense of humour/is always here and cheerful/never says no to a thread/writes with everyone despite discomfort that might be felt with some people. It’s okay to have rules, it’s okay to stick to them or not, it’s okay to set your own limits. In fact, please set your own limits. Please create a space where you know you will feel happy and safe and have fun without all the unnecessary pressure or impostor syndrome that can come with roleplaying. 

Please take care of yourself. 

Don’t let your energy and fire burn out for a hobby. 

It’s taken me a while to get there and I’m admitedly still learning, but I wholeheartedly believe this is something important.

( Also, don’t give in to people trying to compare you with others, as well-meaning and complimentary as they may seem. Writing is to some extent inherently comparative, especially when done online, and I have insecurities of my own, as I’m sure many others do. There’s no need for us to cater to anyone that tries to play on them to make us or other people feel lesser than or invalid. Plurality of interpretations should be celebrated! ) 

How has rp changed you personally?

I think the most obvious way rp has changed me is that it actually improved my english. That’s why I started writing on tumblr, why I still write. When I got to University, I had no real way of making sure my english writing was ‘good enough’ or ‘academic enough’ for essays, and I figured that if I could write fiction easily, I’d be able to transfer some things to academic projects. 

Rp also brought some wonderful people into my life. Some which are still here and hopefully will want to stick around for a while, some with which I lost contact. I’m grateful for everyone of them. I am forever amazed at any friend I make on this hellsite and how talented and creative and lovely (and a long list of adjectives I won’t bore you with) every single one of them is. They’re wonderful people and I can’t say enough good things about them. I’m so lucky I got to hang out and meet some of them in real life. 

May we all be so lucky to meet people like that. 

What advice would you give to someone new to rp?

Have fun! Take care of yourself! Do you! This will 100% link back with a lot of my previous answers, but I am a believer that what matters at the end of the day is that you can look back on your blog and look back on the people you wrote with and the threads you wrote and the threads they wrote and just feel warm and happy and safe and at ease. 

Roleplay is first and foremost a hobby, it’s here to bring you joy. There can sadly be a lot of unhealthiness on this site but, trust me, you don’t need all the clutter that might derail you from your own joy. 

I know written like that, it seems easier said ( well. written ? ) than done. I’ve been there ( sometimes, I’m still there too ) and I know it can seem like an uphill climb when you just want to make others happy, but you need to be happy too. It’s not a one-way street. 

Just have fun, sail your own boat, focus on the people and writings and muses which make you happy. 

That’s good life advice, too. That, ‘don’t be afraid to make mistakes and ask for help’ and ‘don’t let anyone harsh your mellow’. 

[hearts-hunger]

Just kidding, can’t wait - Ink, diary, novella, pulitzer, characterization, carnegie, faulkner, playlist, trope, houghton

um yes hello i love you, thank you for asking, i wrote you a whole essay my gosh sorry

ink: what do you do to “set the mood” when writing? 

i’m honestly very extra™ when it comes to setting the mood, at least in certain ways. for example, with this soft queen fic i’m working on now, the setting is a train so i found an hour-long loop of train-car-interior sounds to play on top of the soft jazz playlist i had on. sounds are really helpful to get me into the headspace of my fic, so i do the same kind of thing with rain sounds if it’s raining in my fic or crackling fire sounds if my characters are being cozy in front of the fireplace. i like to get into my fic as if it were a movie, and since all of my “Y/N” characters are secretly me (surprise surprise) i like to interact with my fics as intimately as possible because let’s be real, i’m living vicariously through them.

diary: how many pieces have you written that are just for you or will never see the light of day?

lord, i have quite a few fics that are for my eyes only. mostly because they’re very niche interest, very poorly written, very self-indulgent, or all three. i also have unfinished ones that are begging me to finish them and post them, and some day one day they may see the light of day.

novella: do you prefer to write short stories, one-shots, or entire novels?

i think it’s easiest for me to write one-shots, so that’s what i write most often. they’re more kind of snapshots of a longer story, and in them i can get the parts that excite and interest me the most. the longest thing i’ve ever written is a beatles fanfic that ended up being 50 or so pages, but i didn’t finish it so my bragging rights are limited.

pulitzer: tell about/link a piece where you felt your writing was the best.

well, there’s one idea i had that i didn’t write for very much but i really loved it and i thought it was a compelling and interesting story. Jack, a young, talented, promising doctor who loses his medical license and is sent to jail for stealing and using hospital narcotics; when he’s released, he has no life for him at home and he can’t ever get his medical licence again; he decides to live in a small community in rural louisiana and volunteer at the small, run-down clinic. the worn-out nurses that work there quickly see that Jack has medical training and start asking him to treat patients, and despite his protests that he’s not a doctor any more, he can’t stand to see these people he’s coming to love suffer when he knows exactly what to do. so it’s this tension between wanting to do the right thing and knowing how to treat people but also not legally being allowed to do it and not having the resources he needs in such a rural community, and also the tension of the light and dark in him. it’s all very vague and i have no idea how it would work out but i just really liked the concept and Jack’s character.

characterization: describe your favorite character(s) you’ve written.

my favorite character that i have ever written is a twenty-something boy named Albert Addison Mathis. he’s blonde and shy and sweet and loves dogs and is a very loyal friend. if you’ve ever seen that prompt floating around where a character gets superpowers that they hate, like someone who can fly but who is terrified of heights, that’s what i wrote Albert for. i actually had a whole thing planned out and i love the other characters i wrote for that story too - Sebastian, Veronica, and Amelia all have a special place in my heart - but Albert was my favorite.

carnegie: what authors and/or books/stories have inspired you to write or influenced your work?

since i mostly write fanfiction, i have to include a huge thank you to the creators of the characters and stories that i write for. other fanfic authors who write such beautiful and compelling and fun stories (for free!) encourage me to invest in my own writing and challenge me to hone my craft and always try and write a better fic than i did before, as well as encourage me to write for the fun of it. @tv-saved-the-teenage-girl continually inspires me to write with her amazing ideas and tireless encouragement and selfless love (also, go check out her stuff on @word-babble immediately because her fics are my favorite fics in the history of ever). she’s the jonesy to my nelson and i would be lost without her. 

also, at the risk of annoying a writer that i admire the heck out of and who writes incredibly lovely stories whose depth of craft i would be lucky to even approach in my own writing, i’m tagging @strangeandwonderfulconcepts so you can go read all of her stuff, especially her bxrxr stories. 

faulkner: what tropes do you LOVE writing? which ones are your guilty pleasure?

my absolute favorite trope and guiltiest pleasure when it comes to writing is the “character A is embarrassed/nervous and continually apologizes for things they can’t help (like being sick, which is my all time favorite and most self-indulgent thing to write) and character B sweetly reminds them that they have nothing to be embarrassed about and nothing to be sorry for”. since i’m embarrassed and nervous for a living thanks to social anxiety, i like to mitigate that in projecting onto my nervous characters and having someone be sweet to them like i would love to have someone be with me.

playlist: what kind of music/songs help you write? do you have a writing playlist?

i listen to mostly instrumental music when i write! some of my current favorite playlists are spotify’s “jazz for autumn” and my very own “soft queen” playlist.

trope: what’s a pet peeve you have about writing?

this isn’t so much a pet peeve but something that causes me trouble, but writing for a deadline stresses me the heck out. i love writing for prompts and stuff like that, so i’ll bear those deadlines in order to have the fun of fulfilling someone’s request, but it’s also fairly agonizing to have writer’s block when you’re writing for an audience. but really, having people who like my writing enough to ask for more is well worth the stress of deadlines :)

houghton: what’s something you love that people compliment your pieces on?

i love it when people point of specific things they like about my writing! i treasure every single comment and ask i get about my work, and i’m a beaming, grinning mess when people tell me a specific line or scene that they really loved. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #202

"a-m-e-r-i-c-a, home of the free, the sick, and the depraved."

Is there a gang problem in your area? No. Would you date an already-attached person? I'm monogamous and can't stand the idea of cheating. So no. What vaccine that you’ve received hurt the most? Oh I can't remember, I got all my vaccines waaaay back. On that note actually, vaccinate ya fuckin kids. :) Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Well, I've never done it before. Partially because without my own vehicle or money, I couldn't really take anyone out myself. Who was the last person you hung out with? Girt. Do you watch Oprah? No. Do you drool when you sleep? Very rarely. Is there anyone you're waiting for to get on the computer/call you/txt you? It'd be fucking lovely if my previous school would give me my fucking transcript already. But communication is impossible with them. Do you put deodorant on everyday? If I'm staying home all day in my pjs and I smell fine, then no. I do if before leaving the house no matter the circumstance, and also if I just do think I need it at home. Is Pluto a planet? Pluto is a GODDAMN PLANET fucking 1v1 me if you think she's not I stg. Do you make up your own words? No. Do you know anyone who self harms? Not in the current time, thankfully. That I'm aware of, anyway. Who is the most influential person in your life right now? Sara gives me the most motivation. Do you like Gummy Bears? Yeah, man. Do you like the game Tetris? No. I don't enjoy quick, timed puzzle games like that at all. When do you normally go to bed? Nowadays it can be as early as 8, or at most ~11. Lately I've been going to bed around 9. When was the last time you did something for the first time? Early February. Which do you prefer: Valentine’s Day or Easter? Valentine's. Do you wait until the last minute to decorate, or do you decorate early? We're usually more last-minute. What’s your favorite Starbucks drink? N/A What do you use to sweeten your tea? N/A Which dollar store do you like best? *shrugs* Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No. What’s one challenge you want to complete for youtube? N/A If you make youtube videos, do you have a posting schedule? No. When was the last time you stepped outside of your comfort zone? Probably recently? Can't recall what. Do you own a tripod for your camera? Yeah. Would you rather go to London, Paris, or Tokyo? Probably Tokyo. Were you a bigger fan of Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff? Hilary Duff. Which Olsen twin was your favorite: Mary-Kate or Ashley, and why? I remember like, nothing about them. Do you make Halloween costumes out of clothes from your closet? If I wanna dress up, that's pretty much my only option. Do you enjoy putting outfits together? I'm indifferent. What does your umbrella look like? It's just black. Do you like stuffed animals? YES. Were there any subjects that you got a perfect SAT score in? If so, what? Well, this is pretty relevant (I need the scores to resume school). I'm so sure I took it, but apparently not... Do you spent more time in your bedroom or your living room? I live in my room. Do you name stuffed animals still? Not usually. Do you still own your favorite Barbie? I wasn't into Barbies. What’s the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done? I dunno. What’s your favorite thing about yourself? I'm really, really passionate. Have you ever celebrated Valentine’s Day when you were single? No. Do you have any family members that you’ve never met? Plenty of my extended family, and then I don't know one of my sisters. If you’re from the US, what states have you lived in? Just North Carolina. Who was your best roommate? Well it was my then-boyfriend, his best friend, his friend's then-gf, and myself, so I'd obviously choose Jason. What types of YouTube videos are your favorite to watch? Mark's ego ones are my all-time favorites, but if you mean like a general category, let's plays. Which do you watch more: TV, YouTube, or movies? I almost exclusively watch YT. Have you ever wanted to be a model? No. What years did you attend prom? '12 and '14. Do you like your name how it’s spelled? I'm fine with it, but I'd prefer "Brittney," as it's spelled more accurately in terms of how it's pronounced. Did you ever want to be famous? No. Who was your first online friend? Emma. Peruse your bookshelf. Which genre dominates? I don't have one/I don't really read. Does mail get delivered to your door or do you have a mailbox outside? There's a box. If you got a gift card for 50 [your currency], what would you get? I'd save it. Are you good at trivia games? Noooo. If you wear makeup, what’s the most outrageous color you use? I don't use anything unordinary, if I even wear any. What’s the longest song you’ve ever listened to? Shit dude, I'm not sure. "Free Bird" is definitely up there. Do you like garlic bread? Give me ALL of it. Would you ever date someone who didn’t believe in marriage? No; I personally want to be married, so that'd cause some issues. I'd also be concerned that they're not as committed to the relationship as me. What’s the funniest book you’ve ever read? I recall Bite Me: A Love Story by Christopher Moore being pretty funny. Do you think most teenagers are becoming vegetarians just to look cool? No? Have you ever tried climbing a tree? No. When’s the last time you ate a taco? I hate tacos. Would you be more likely to kill yourself or die getting shot? Idk. I've lived through suicidal eras before, and I don't see why I'd be a target to be shot. So it's sad to say, but probably kill myself on impulse. I don't see that ever happening, but just answering the question. 3 things you like to learn about: Meerkats, Mark (look I really don't mean it in a creepy way, I'm just genuinely interested in learning about him), and conspiracy theories. What’s something you could debate about for hours? WOW, never make me do that. Debating gives me anxiety attacks in extreme cases. Has anyone ever called you charming? Maybe? Do you own a pearl necklace? No. What chances do you think you have of becoming a divorcee? Very small; I'm super, super picky with relationships and wouldn't dare marry someone if I had doubts. Would you prefer a black or white cellphone, or a bright colored one? Colored. Does your mom, dad, or siblings play any instruments? No. Your last ex: how did you two get together? He finally admitted he liked me, and though I wasn't totally sure how I felt about him (bf or bro), I decided to give it a shot. What’s the best food for sleepovers? You can't fail with pizza. Does your mom dye her hair? Sometimes, when she's annoyed enough by the gray. If yes, does she deny that she does? No. Are ‘personal response’ essays painful to write for you? Back in school, not at all. How far can you run without breaking a sweat? WHOA girl who told you I RUN??????????? Do you/your parents have any creepy pictures or painting up on the wall? I've been told the Silent Hill stuff is creepy. What’s the best kind of video game? (Adventure, shooting, etc) Horror. I just think it's super cool how something not real can terrify you or literally stop you from moving forward. Do you know anyone who has road rage? MY YOUNGER SISTER. How would you react if your mom got a lip piercing? WOW. I'd be stunned all right. What/who do you take the most pictures of? Nature. Have you been in a play? In elementary and Sunday school. Fries or onion rings? Fries. Do you have a grandparent who refuses to go to an old folk’s home? I only have one, and no, she's still capable of caring for herself. Have you ever made an article of clothing yourself? If so, what was it? No. Do you go to arcades? If so, what’s your go-to game at one? No, but I am SO determined to at least go to one with the Silent Hill arcade game that's incredibly rare. If you were a fantasy character, would you be a warrior, a mage or a rogue? Mage. What tempts you frequently? Tattoos the moment I have money in my hand akdslfjawoei. What’s something that will always distract you from what you’re doing? Loud noises or talking at any volume. Who is the most wonderful, amazing person in your life right now? Sara. My Sara Jane 110%. <3 Do you carry a backpack, a shoulder bag, or a purse? A purse. What’s something attractive in a member of your own gender? I'll answer physically and mentally. Physical: godDAMN do hips do it for me. Mentally: an open, questioning mind hungry to learn. What’s something repulsive in a member of your own gender? Physical: just bad hygiene. I don't find any bodily feature in specific as "repulsive." Mentally: A know-it-all, bitchy attitude. Do your pets sleep next to you at night? Roman always starts off in my bed, usually right beside my head (which is SO damn cute), but occasionally he moves around to other places. Teddy also starts off on the bed if he wants up, but typically jumps down after a while to go to the couch instead. What’s the farthest country you’ve met someone from? Irl, Japan. Online buddies, Australia. Who is your favorite movie villain? Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad, probably. Man, mentioning it makes me wanna watch it again. Or maybe Dark Alessa from the first SH movie as she wonderfully played for a child (she's the youngest nominee ever for the Emmy's AND Genies, y'all) and a truly intimidating character. What’s your favorite flavor of mousse? I don't even remember how it tastes. Do you prefer fruit or berries? ... Berries are fruit? But I get what you're asking, and I think "normal" fruit, despite my favorite fruit being strawberries. Have you ever kept a food diary? I don't believe so. Have you ever calculated whether you get enough minerals and vitamins in your diet? Not myself, but doctors have determined I don't. I know I had a sickening deficit of vitamin D, though; I have to take the vitamin twice a week now. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No. Have you ever written a love letter to someone as a joke? That's fucking evil. No. Was your first kiss romantic? It was cute. I guess kinda romantic. Have you ever liked anyone that was in a relationship with someone else? Yes. Have you ever tried to break up anyone because YOU liked the guy/girl? No. Did you ever think someone didn’t like you, but come to find out they really did? I wasn't sure if Sara liked me /romantically/. If you were a school, what would your mascot be? Uhhh I'm not sure. Which of Taylor Swift’s music videos is your favorite? I don't listen to her, nor have I seen her music videos. Do you like your mom’s wedding dress? I don't know if I've ever seen it but in old pictures maybe. Who was the last person to hurt you tremendously? Probably Mom. Have you tried Wii Fit? Yeah, it's a great way to lose weight and tone up. Who did you last make food for? Besides myself, Sara. Have you ever taken a survey while drunk or high? No. Do you have any relatives in a mental hospital? No. Have you ever worn those Drunk Goggles? Yeah, once in D.A.R.E. Can you agree to disagree, or usually get upset over conflicting views? Agree to disagree is pretty easy for me. Rodeos – entertaining, or cruel? FUCK-ING CRUEL. HOW IS IT STILL LEGAL. Who is the best female rocker? Why? As far as singing goes, I looove Angela Gossow from Arch Enemy. The new singer is fine, too. What color of roses do you find the prettiest? A pink/peach gradient sort of one. Or just red. Do you draw fanart of anything? Not regularly at all, but I have before. Do you like the smell of books? Not very much. What’s on your Reading List, so-to-speak, right now? Nothing. Favorite thing to see in museums? Fossils. What things have people shamed you for? Certain controversial opinions, supposedly always wanting pity when I absolutely don't, etc. Do you always reply to private messages? (On any website) Usually, unless they're creepy or it's someone trying to sell a product. Do you like knock-knock jokes? No, I find zero humor in them. Do you prefer earphones or the ear-muff style headphones? Muffs; they block out external sound more and are generally of a higher audio quality. What is one way someone could completely put you off on a first date? Rudeness. What about a way someone could make you like them more on a first date? A good sense of humor. What was the last music video you watched? Did you like it? No clue. Does your voice change when you talk to certain people? Yeah. What’s your favorite chocolate in the valentine box? The ones filled with fudge. What’s your favorite thrift store? *shrugs* Would you ever share your most embarrassing moment publicly? No. Do you eat yogurt a lot? No; not a big fan. What’s a condition you have that you haven’t been officially diagnosed with? None; my issues are diagnosed. ACTUALLY, I still question if I have a tamer form of BPD, but my therapist sees just bipolarity in me, despite fitting quite a few of the qualifiers for an official diagnosis. Oh yeah, I also know I have carpal tunnel, but I'm not diagnosed with it. Which one of your parents do you think is smarter? Oh jeez. I love you, Dad, but Mom is in most areas. My father has ZERO common sense (where I got it from, I'm sure) and has to hear something five billion times before he understands. Which parent do you think you inherited your intelligence level from? Mom. Do you store your bike in a garage for the winter? I don’t have a bike. Have you ever had a professional make-over? No. Have you ever had a professional photo shoot? When my sisters and I were very young, we always got Easter pictures done. As an adult, no. What’s your favorite way to style your hair? I can't really style it much at the length it is, but what I do prefer is having the short hair on the left side of my head positioned towards my face to help conceal the part in my hair that goes from "boy-short" to a bit longer. Also, I just don't enjoy it as much angled down. What irritates you about your daily life? Being alone nearly all day with not a damn thing to do. Doing the same shit every single day gets old. And fast. What makes you feel more creative? Above anything else, MUSIC. It plays such an influence in my drawings and story development. What’s your anti-depressant? Show me Mark laughing his ass off at that stupid "shoosh" thing or watching meerkats be cute. Music can be, sometimes. What’s your favorite fragrance? I'm assuming you mean things like perfume? In that case, something subtle and fresh, like a weak floral sort. Ever found something disgusting in your food while eating out? I don't believe so. Do you ever babysit? No. I did it once in my life years upon years ago for my former neighbor, and while she was a good kid, I was CLUELESS on what to do/how to really interact as much as an adult should with a toddler. Then changing a diaper, jfc. Thank God she hadn't shit in it, because then it woulda been all over. I was only less stressed when Jason came over because hi former man/baby heart throbbing that used to make my abstinent uterus cry, how are ya. We ended up all on the couch together napping, so I mean, I guess mission accomplished???? But yeah, never will again. What is your favorite medication that you take, and why? Latuda + Lamictal played a massive part in literally saving my life. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown, I think? Would you rather do a craft project or a science experiment? Totally a science experiment. What was the last thing you spray-painted? My hair probably for some Halloween event, I think? Do you paint rocks and hide them in your town? ... Is this a thing?????????? Do you have any cousins who look like you? No. What color band and stone does your class ring have? I didn't get one. What’s one thing you are bad at drawing? Hands. HANDS. Can you see the mountains from where you live? No. Did you ever play pranks on April Fool’s Day? Not anymore. Have you ever played a prank and later regretted it? I've mentioned before my sister, our neighbor, and I had a phase of being asshole kids making prank phone calls, so that. Does chronic illness keep you from doing the things you want to do? Not exactly; I guess a good metaphor would be it's like being a chained dog with the leash about to break. I can't seem to get to some places yet, but I'm putting sincere effort into overcoming those limitations. Do you part your hair on the left side, right side, or in the middle? Left. Do you have bangs? No. Do you think you look good with bangs? NO. When was the last time you got an injection? I believe when I was getting a cavity filled at the dentist, so I had numbing shots. How often do you charge your phone? Depends on how much it's used, but maybe every other day, usually? In a house fire, what three things would you save? My mom, dog, and snake. How long is the journey to get to school or work? N/A Where did you meet your best friend? YouTube. Do you use body wash, shower gel, or soap? Body wash. Do you use public transport regularly? No. Who do you usually say hello or good morning first? Mom sometimes or one of the pets. Have you ever had to work while there was a film crew at your work place? No. What’s your favorite color of carnation? I just looked up pictures to remember what they were, and I really like those white and pink ones. Do you/have you worked a job where you could bring leftover food home from? No. Who or what greets you at the door every time you come home? Teddy and Bentley. Do you ever chat about your favorite video games with your friends? Silent Hill, yes. I'm an admin on its wiki, so pay attention to everything that's going on and contribute to blog posts/forums if I'm not a lazy shit that doesn't wanna read long things. Girt and I talk about World of Warcraft occasionally. Have you ever supported anyone’s Kickstarter? If so, what was it? No. What do you like in your omelet? I haven't had an omelet in, God, forever, but I love the ones with American cheese and bits of ham. Are you currently studying a language? If so, which one? None currently. Do you have free tickets for anything that need to be used soon? Idk. How many things do you remember from the first few years of your life? Oh, boy. I have incredible long-term memory, but it only spans back so far, and I don't know how many years qualifies as just "the first few." I'm also HORRIBLE at categorizing events by age. But w/e, just gonna guesstimate like, 1-4. 1.) I watched my insane brother go down the slide of our playset into the essential lake Hurricane Floyd caused in our yard; 2.) lots of things in pre-k, 3.) being babysat, and our first one always gave Nicole and me moonpies; 4.) going to an absolutely awful daycare where I had my hand slapped by a teacher just for unknowingly going into the wrong room to pick up a toy during playtime (I literally sobbed my lungs out until Mom got me, and she never took me back); 5.) mentioning her, I had AWFUL separation anxiety; 6.) I very publicly had a M E N T A L  B R E A K D O W N before I got my blood drawn for the first time (at least at the age where I could understand what was about to happen); 7.) playing with my best friend; and that's all for now. I'm sure there's a whole lot more. NONONONONONO WAIT. So this is super specific, but boy do I remember it. Nap time. Nope. The teacher would have quiet instrumental music on, and I remember so well that if "Für Elise" came on, I would secretly be crying on my "bed" with this random vision of my mom literally melting while looking horrified. Look, I don't. I don't understand either. A child's brain is one hell of an artist. What is something that you would you say you have an advanced knowledge of? Will I ever answer questions like these with anything other than "meerkats?" What is a restaurant that you would never eat at? Anything sketchy, for one. If it doesn't look decently hygienic, I'm not touching anything there. What historical event do you have an advanced knowledge of? HA, none. What is a phrase that you use that you don’t hear many other people use? I dunno. Well, there's "gg" ("good game"=[usually] sarcastic "good job"), which is pretty much gamer terminology; I've said it before in front of people and yeah, didn't understand. Who’s the last person you told a secret to? Either Sara or Mom, idr. Which side of the bed do you sleep on? I sleep more towards the middle of my bed, but I am closer to the left side. Are you currently looking for a job? I'm desperate enough for a job that I'm in vocational rehab. Think that's a sufficient answer. Is there anything currently hurting on your body? Surprisingly not. When was the last time you were told you were cute? *shrugs* Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? Dad or Kim, I think. Do your parents really know you? Mom, for sure. I don't feel that Dad truly knows me deeply. Like he's familiar with some things I enjoy and my timidness, but I think that's... kinda it? I mean I'm a whoooole different person from what I was when he left, and there were a couple years before I spoke to him again, so that's a large period of time to change. I do know some of our political/moral beliefs are inverse of each other, and I've got a feeling just from me knowing him that he likely doesn't take mental illness like depression very seriously, and with me being. Me. Disorders are apparently attracted to me. But seriously, as I wrote, I don't know if that's at all true. Honestly who was the first person to tell you they love you? Romantically or platonically? I can pretty much guarantee my mom was the first person to say that ever, but romantically, idk. Probably one of those two boys that wouldn't leave me alone for anything.in pre-k, though I think it's quite obvious neither loved me at that age. Have you ever broken up with someone and become bitter enemies? No. Were you ever obsessed with Vitamin Water? I don't think I've ever even tried it. Have you ever had a weird dream and obsessed over what it might mean? No, as I don't feel they have any strange/"special" meanings. Or do you usually forget about your dreams? And then there's also that. Which languages can you speak? English, some simple German. Which language do you speak the most and why? English, because I was raised speaking it. What celebrities, if any, have you seen naked? None. I know, SHOCKING. Have you ever seen anybody naked by accident? Yeah. Have you ever wondered what somebody looks like naked? Sure. Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about a celebrity? I plead the 5th. Do you think guys look good in makeup? You ROCK THAT SHIT, QUEEN. Do you like using clay and/or peel-off masks for skincare? I like face masks, but it's not something we buy. Instead I just use Biore charcoal scrub. If you have a job, who’s your closest friend at work? N/A Is there an automatic fog light in your yard? No. What’s your go-to activity when you’re bored? Surveys, usually. Have you ever worked in an office? No.