#the show is subtle in its emotionality but some moments really fucking hit

[natandacat]

Fired on Mars is excellent and everyone should go watch it rn but also it gave me corporate depression vdsvbsdhv

[psalmsofpsychosis]

tell me about your favorite movies and books!! i wanna dissect your brain (lovingly) (affectionate)

Choccy my belovedest you broke in through my bedroom window at 3am with the hardest question asked of mankind huh 😭❤️❤️ i have so many favs!!! i dont remember any of them!! but. i will try to make an effort because i love you 💕 so! 5 movies/tv shows and 5 books ayy

For Media,

• City of God!!!

the pace of this movie is insane, i call it the movie that never sleeps, both narrative wise and production wise. It's constantly in motion and a whirlwind of a wild story but it never loses its ground and its significance, which is not something i can say about

• Shameless US

jesus. listen, Shameless US is as wonderful as it's shit, in equal measures. It's a story that feels like the best unprotected sex of your life that also gave you Hepatitis B. ShU travels into territories noone dares to tread, and sometimes it's a cheap hitch in the back of a junkie's stolen van, and sometimes it's a first class experience in Bono's private jet; no inbetween. It's insanely creative, insanely unapologetic and honest, hits like an unexpected 2am urge to go scream from the rooftop of your house, and it's quite frankly unforgettable, both in its bad and good moments.

• Tokyo Godfathers

MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!! MOVIE OF ALL TIME I TELL YA!!!!

• Doukyuusei

This bitch here is SO dear to me, i dont even know how to describe it. It's quite different from the manga, and i love the manga so much i think about it more than 3 seconds and i die, but the story feels more fluid in movie format. To me Doukyuusei is the best example of how you can tell the richest and most fascinating and intriguing story without ugly shock value or Angst TM or stupid twists; just life as it happens. The Manga's characterizations are so intricate and complex and distinct it blows your mind, not a single stereotype in sight. I really need Doukyuusei to be some kinda food so i can eat it for the rest of my life.

• Corvette Summer

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I have no excuses. This is my trademark movie, the Farimah TM movie, i've claimed it and i bite anyone who gets close. It's so saccharine it rots half of your tooth halfway in and i love a good "take of life all you can; for the love of gods want something, anything, take what is yours and never apologise twice" story. I adore how flirty and sweet and soft this movie is. Plus, yeah, Mark Hamill and Annie Potts. The dream sandwich.

• Honorary mention: Blue Eye Samurai

Simply the most intelligent piece of media i have seen in the last 5 years, holy fucks. It works your brain on 99 different subtle levels to the point that it makes you glad to possess a brain and being able to comprehend stories. It's a challenging watch, intellectually, emotionally— solid makes you proud to understand it the way you'd be proud after finishing a 6k piece puzzle.

And as for books, i've mostly been indulging my fiction thirst with fanfic and flash fiction, and been mainly reading nonfiction in terms of published stuff, so, yeah, it's gonna get a bit technical. sorry.

• Tara Campbell's "Angels and Blueberries"

This story healed 15 years of my childhood trauma with 30% discount.

• Anne Waldron Neumann's "Monologues with Euphemisms"

There's something about flash fiction that forces people to get creative and by gods creative they get. The structure of this piece is so unconventional and sturdy it makes my brain sing 99 motown tunes. Speaking of story structure though,

• Jane Alison's "Meander, Spiral, Explode"

This is a book about story structure. I read it in pieces the way you read poetry and philosophy essays. Take of that what you will. Like, this is such meta read; you can analyse the book itself on its narrative flow and rhythm. I think i learnt more about Aristotle's idealogies reading this book than i learnt by reading Aristotle's essays. and this is the second "nonfiction that reads like poetry" book on this list. The first one is,

• Carlo Rovelli's "The Order Of Time"

Yep. Quantum physics is art to me by nature, but Rovelli really drives the art part home, and he's so sexy for it. This book is so lyrical and it plays with your heartstrings as much as it plays with your brain, i dont care about what category it falls under; this is top notch fiction to me.

• John Luckovich's "The Instinctual Drives And The Enneagram"

an older read i keep picking up every other half year, since i got into Luckovich's theories back in 2017, but yeah, this book is basically the foundation of majority of my worldviews, the spine of it. Luckovich is such thorough and unconventional thinker, getting into his stuff uprooted my brain in uncomfortable ways, and it's been an exhilarating journey.

• Honorary mention: Peter A. Levine's "Waking The Tiger"

Honestly? if i had to give someone one single book to read in their lifetime and nothing else, this would be it. I reference this book mentally in my everyday life so goddamn much i think it's etched into my DNA at this point, this book and Luckovich's theories on human instinct.

Thank you for picking my brain love, be sure to drop the diagnosis in my inbox later 🤣❤️

[spideyspeaches]

Truth and Reconciliation ↬ p.p

AN: for @scarletspideyy ‘s 3k challenge! And also inspired by Rambling by @lousimusician !!!! Go check theirs out its HILARIOUS 😂

Summary: you're hit by an alien substance that makes you speak the truth no matter WHAT the situation is ;)

Warnings : rambling. lots of it. Also mentions of sex cause that’s basically the plot but it has not smut. it’s only implied! it is also implied that all the characters are 18+ !

Word count: 1.2k

College!Peter Parker x Avenger!Reader

Masterlist || Taglist

The thing is, even if you’re dating a hot smartass like Peter Parker, your ability to make smart decisions are exceptionally low. Add that with being a chaotic junior Avenger and boom you have a reckless teenager at your service.

“Ugh, I wish Peter was here right now.” you mumbled as you kicked the creepy robot monster square in the chest, huffing a little before running off.

“You’re just saying that because he’s your boyfriend.” Nat says in the comms, the static startling you a little.

“And because his ass looks great in the super tight spandex.” you nodded very seriously, missing your hot ass boyfriend’s ass, and of course because you were worried that he was going insane sitting at the tower’s newly delivered futon, munching at M&Ms and sulking about his ankle and how he broke it (by tripping in the shower).

“That’s it. The next suit I make for the kid will make him look like a pillow.” Tony piped up in your conversation.

“Nooo please don’t do that Tony, for my sanity!” you said, smirking at the ‘get some’ and ‘gross teenagers’ that came from Sam and Bucky, before your eyes widened.

‘Oh shit.’ you thought.

A Jabba the Hutt like creature was making its way towards you with a gun…in it’s hand. Wondering how the Jabba look-alike fitted a gun in its barely there hands, you used your telekinetic powers to fly towards the goop monster, thrusting your hands in front of you and slicing it smackdab through its belly, satisfied by the way it blasted in smithereens, but not before the green goopy thing hit your face, sliding down your neck and shoulders.

Looking in wonder at the green goop as it seemed to have saturated in your skin, you wondered,

“The fuck was that thing?”

Ignoring the ‘language’ from Cap, you felt your vision waver.

“Uh Mr. Stark, Nat, Bruce, someone. I think something’s wrong, I can’t see straight, which reminds me that Peter wears contacts but he never told anyone and I only know that cause I’m nosy and his glasses make him look ridiculously dorky and hot at the same time, why am I telling you this?” You said, trying to shut your mouth.

“I’m going to pretend that you don’t sound like you want to bone my kid, but were you hit by something? Any weird alien green goop? Are you hurt?” Tony said, landing near you.

“Oh my you care about me too, you’re like a father figure 2.0 to me too, but you didn’t ask that. Yeah I was hit by this weird green alien goop that seeped into my skin and that creature kind of looked like Jabba the Hutt-”

“-like the star wars character?”

“– yeah now stop interrupting me dad..man.. dadman! As I was saying, I think the thing is kind of like a truth serum. But it’s also making me say what my mind desires the most, like the Mirror of Erised! ” you said, excited in your own world, which is why you didn’t notice the glimmer in the other Avengers’ eyes as they saw you blabber your mouth off until you were out of breath.

***

“So you’re telling me that my girlfriend physically can’t stop telling the truth? Or just stop talking?” Peter said, crossing his forearms and squinting at the team. It did nothing but make him look adorable because of his propped up broken leg.

They at least had the decency to duck their heads to hide their smirks.

“Yeah if I have to hear her talk one more time about the theories of what might happen in season 8 of Brooklyn nine nine and then get distracted by “the veins in Peter’s arms’, I swear I will blast another hole in the wall!” Tony shrieked, hands up in the air in an exasperated gesture.

“But it’s true right? I mean Peter come on! you folding your arms like that are just making your biceps bulge and that poor t-shirt of yours looks like it’s about to tear.” You piped in from behind Tony, which queued Peter to loosen his arms, blush rising up his face.

“You have the right to remain silent.” Tony said firmly, glaring at you to stop talking. You shrugged as if to say ‘can’t help it.’

“I mean she can’t really help it right? You didn’t say anything embarrassing…..right? ” Peter said in a small voice.

“I'm pretty sure the Miranda warning was meant for me to shut up but I’m sorry I’m currently incapable of reassuring you,” you said, eyes slightly wide, "I told them that you read and write fanfiction on tumblr and I secretly follow your blog and your writing is so damn good! I never really told you this because I know you would die if I told you that I read your smut fictions till 2 am cause they’re so well written… SOMEONE GAG ME!”

***

By the time Stephen showed up to help Tony and Bruce, Peter’s face was so red that he looked like he was going to explode.

“….and then I said that fuck off bitch that’s ma bro you’re messing with, and promptly punched him in his little gremlin face and then realised that I had called my elementry to highschool crush ma bro…” you rambled, amusement clear on Steve’s face, who was intently listening to you talk about that time you had punched Flash for messing with Peter.

The tower was a mess due to the revealed secrets, Tony and Banner were trying to find a cure with Stephen , Wanda was recording you and Natasha was just…..casually sharpening her knife.

“Hey Y/N, drink this please?” Tony said, cutting you off from your rant about god knows what. He thrusted a vial with a weird goopy substance in it, instantly making you gag.

“What is that? I’m not taking some shit from a mad scientist who gave his fortune 500 company to his girlfriend because he was too emotionally unstable to handle it himself! I mean good call, cause Pepper is badass and all but-”

“-I’m going to ignore the jab at me but it’s a hopeful cure, so you’re going to drink that goop, and hopefully we all will get some silence.”

Huffing petulantly, you took the small vial of glass from him and chugged the thing with a small grimace.

Everybody was silent for a moment, including you. You could hear everyone holding their breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But that never happened cause you wore the shoe like a pro.

Giving a huff, you laughed out loud. Again you looked Peter in his eyes and said in a serious tone, “Peter, I’m never fucking you again.”

Peter’s face fell at what you said, tears almost appearing in his doe eyes. Wanda and Nat gave you a shooketh look while Bucky and Sam were just laughing their asses off somewhere in the background. Strange looked so done that he portaled back to his Sanctum and poor Bruce just made his merry way to the lab.

“Hey look I lied!! This worked!” you whooped, Tony and Steve shaking their heads as you ran, but not before giving Peter a subtle wink.

Welp. Someone’s gonna get laid tonight.  

[notnctu]

under the mistletoe | l.ty

lee taeyong x fem!reader genre - fluff, barely humor idk, very little bit of angst details - enemies to lovers!au, childhood friends that have been apart, high school!au warnings - explicit language, one mention of death, there’s a kiss scene lol word count - 2.7k  synopsis - the holiday season brings a change of heart this year. you see your old friend, now enemy, Lee Taeyong at Mark’s Christmas gathering and through snowman shaped cookies, you two re-kindle your old friendship. 

a/n - this is for @neoculturechristmas​ ‘s secret santa collab! this piece is dedicated to @soliverse​ :) hello lovie!! i’m your secret santa!! i hope you like it and im sorry that it’s not funny LOL thank you for letting me participate in such a fun holiday collab! im so happy to be able to write a fic for another writer:)

Through the heavily crowded Christmas party, through the people that dare walk in your way, you still see him in the midst of the chaos. Lee Taeyong stands only a few feet from you, in a ridiculous Christmas sweater and messy frosty hair. The universe is absolutely obsessed with placing you two in uncomfortable situations, as if the fuming feud between you two is not enough.

His absentminded actions cause him to foolishly knock over someone’s drink, what a fucking clutz. Rolling your eyes, you wander off in search of your good friend to announce your departure for the night.

“Already? Y/N, you got here like, five minutes ago.” Mark mixes the glass bowl that is filled to the brim with red sugary punch. Any forceful spin will have it spilling from the rim, and that won’t be the only mishap of the night that you witness. “What’s the rush? It’s Christmas Eve!” 

And before you can utter the blacklisted name to explain your sudden change of heart, the culprit walks in with his stunned puppy eyes that grow sharp and a frown at your appearance. There is a small spark in the shared eye contact until it completely drops and he returns to ignoring your presence. 

“Mark, where are your napkins? I spilled something in your living room.” It had to be a whole year since you’ve last heard his voice and you still remember his low cadence whenever he was trying to be cool. Cool and mysterious Taeyong, and how he lives up so perfectly to his title. However, there was a moment in time that you knew him for more than that. He was warm and comforting Taeyong. 

While he tried so hard to be winter on the outside, spring bloomed blossoms on the inside and a bright sunshine radiated enough for you to witness its glow. You wished to stay with his spring for as long as you possibly could, but like the changing seasons, Taeyong eventually changed with it.

“It’s in the upper cabinet.” Mark does not realize the initial situation in the room, merrily going back to his large bowl of delicious liquid. It takes one big sigh from you for your friend to finally realize the elephant in the room and the unknowingly stiff tension in the kitchen. Mark’s eyes grow a bit bigger and as subtle as he tried to be, he clears his throat, “I think Christmas is all about joining together and being in each other’s company. Stay, Y/N.”

Mark did not choose his words wisely as Taeyong peeks over his shoulder, catching the last words of his sentence. “You’re leaving already, Y/N?” That is the first time he’s acknowledged you in the past few years.

There is an internal battle of whether or not you should acknowledge him back. Crossing your arms, you grumble something underneath your breath. “Why do you care?” 

“I don’t.” Taeyong says sternly, making sure he asserts his nonchalant attitude. “Just sucks that Mark threw such a happy Christmas party for his good friend to leave.” He slings an arm around Mark’s shoulders, snuggling his face into the side of Mark’s chocolate colored hair.

And Mark dares to show a small smile of affection back. “Sorry that Y/N is always walking out on things. She does that quite often.” Before you can give him a piece of your mind, Mark shoves a snowman shaped biscuit in your mouth. 

Taeyong gets away laughing, feeling an overwhelming sense of pride as he walks to clean up his other mess. You groan, biting the head of the snowman off and glaring at Mark. “Why did you let him get away with saying that to me? And when did you become friends with him again? And why are your cookies so hard?” 

“Taeyong lost a friend, like a month ago. Just be a bit empathetic, please.” Mark wipes his hands on his apron and continues kneading at a random ball of dough. If it’s one thing that Mark always does too well is overachieving at his holiday gatherings. There is a reason why he’s head of the Prom Committee and student officer for event planning at your high school.

Washing your hands, the cold water bites at your skin. It’s been a really cold winter this year. When you dry your hands off, you scoot Mark over to make room for yourself to help with his endless amount of holiday treats.

“We’ve all lost friends, Mark. Sometimes people don’t work out with others and that’s just how it goes.” There is an underlying bitterness that does not seem to fade when you speak. 

“Speaking from experience, maybe?” Mark chuckles, but dismisses the brief second of giggles to a more serious and low tone. “Not that kind of lost, Y/N. He lost a friend forever, like this person is in a forever sleep.” 

The moment the words hit the air, a chilly draft sweeps at your ankles and you freeze in your place. And as you stand with dry flour on your hands and a person you thought you’d never become warm to again stands in the next room over, your heart softens at the information and immediate guilt preoccupies your system. 

“Oh… well you should have started with that, then.” You slightly graze a finger across your nose at the faint tickle. Your mind is running at high speed, merely wondering about all the pain that Taeyong possibly felt this past month and remembering how it’s difficult for him to process his feelings. 

“He actually wasn’t going to come tonight, until I mentioned you were coming.” Mark unloads a batch of fresh cookies from the oven and replaces it with another tray. The aromatics take you back to Christmas many years ago and the memory of Taeyong getting frosting everywhere you could remember. It took weeks to get the red and green stains out of the carpet, but the laughter made up for every clumsy mistake. 

Not completely sure where the melancholic spirit erupted from, you rinse your hands and grab two cookies off the still hot tray without another response. Hurrying off, Mark yells out, “Wait-- those aren’t decorated yet!” but you choose to ignore his pleas.

Why is it harder to find him in a crowd when you are actually looking for him? Perhaps the saying, the best things in life come when you’re not looking for them, holds some truth to it. But your feet take you directly to him; he sits at the leather couch with the burning embers from the fireplace reflecting in his eyes. 

Your abrupt appearance startles him a bit, but his face falls sullen when he sees that it’s you. Shoulders touching, you’ve missed the intimacy you two use to share. The blank snowman shaped cookie feels warm in your hand as you thrust it into Taeyong’s face. “For you.” 

Taeyong scoffs, pushing your hand away lightly and looking away from the pitiful undecorated treat. “This feels like a trap.”

“No trap. Just a truce. Remember the time when I got upset at you for forgetting me in the parking lot and I told you the only way to fix it was to buy me food?” Your hand begins to drop, but Taeyong catches your wrist and takes the cookie from your possession. He gently places your hand back onto your lap.

“I know no other love language.” You explain the reasoning behind the old memory. 

“Pretty sure food isn’t a love language.” Taeyong chuckles, like Christmas carols to your ears, he sounds like home. 

“It’s not, but they all require me to be too emotionally vulnerable and you know how that makes me feel…” Your voice unintentionally trails off the end of your sentence. Does he still know how you feel? 

Taeyong’s eyebrow raises subtly, catching your implication. “You’re still the same person you were three years ago?”

Three years, has it really been that long? You nod without needing to ponder the thought. There is a stark difference between change and growth. You are who you’ve always been, that is never going to change, but you’ve grown to be stronger and a little more independent.

“That’s not surprising.” Taeyong bites at his cookie, turning the figure in his hands as he stares off to reminisce about the past. He thinks about his pain. He thinks about his own self growth. “I’ve been thinking about you recently.” 

The bold comment causes your chest to burn and your throat to grow a bit dry. Taeyong finally looks up at you, eyes dropping between your own and your lips. He doesn’t shy away from staring, taking in how much you’ve changed appearance wise since you two used to be friends. His eyelashes dance against his skin every time he blinked and the white strands of his hair fall around his crown like snowflakes. 

“Why?” 

“I learned how important it is to have friends around you. You never know when you’ll never see them again. The falling out we had should not have ruined the friendship we built for so long.” It’s difficult for Taeyong to continue with his feelings. It’s not a secret that he’s liked you since you two were close, probably half of the room is well aware of it. But there has never been a moment where he was out right too vulnerable to you, he was and is afraid of showing his feelings. 

It’s an immediate body reaction when Taeyong leans in to you and you defensively back away. The confusion shows on your face very blatantly and his dreamy laugh rattles your bones. Taeyong’s hand softly caresses your cheek as his thumb brushes the tip of your nose. “You have some flour on your face.” This skin to skin leaves you speechless as his hot hand holds your cheek so delicately, making your heart race rapidly.

“Your Christmas sweater is ugly.” That’s all you can utter, out of pure panic too. Your eyes dip away and he retracts away from you, elbows on his knees as he leans forward and ducking momentarily to examine his choice of festive clothing. 

He laughs, “it’s called an ugly Christmas sweater for a reason. It’s better than wearing a lame red sweater and calling it festive.” It’s surreal how quick things settle back into being the way that it used to be. As if the last three years of silence and constantly pretending the other didn’t exist disappeared. Taeyong is back, he’s yours again. And you hope that he’ll be by your side for longer than you had let him go.

“Red is not my color, I agree, but green is definitely not yours.” You joke back and Taeyong ruffles your hair, just like old times. The holiday spirit practically wraps its arms around you two. The holidays are really about being in each other’s warmth. In this very cold winter, you’re happy to have found an old flame that kept you from frostbite for many years. 

“Y/N, we’re putting up the mistletoe.” An acquaintance interrupts you and Taeyong, quickly grabbing your arm to follow her. Your eyes dart between her and Taeyong. One thing you know no doubt about is that you aren’t leaving Taeyong alone again, so you take his hand without another second thought and drag him along with you.

You’re all ushered into the foyer and Mark is on a step ladder under the frame of his door. He notes Taeyong by your side and discreetly smiles to himself. He securely pins it to the wall and claps his hands together to gather everyone’s attention. “We’re going to blindfold two people and they’re going to have to kiss underneath the mistletoe.” 

Your hands grow sweaty at the thought of such a risky game and immediately, you two let go of each other’s hands without realizing the clutching feeling of each other’s anxiousness. “I don’t think I’ll be chosen.” Taeyong mumbles to you as Mark and a few other people unravel the blindfolds. Nevertheless, he doesn’t sound very confident and you notice Taeyong’s shifty eyes. 

“Right. Me either.” You shrug off, trying to hide slightly behind Taeyong’s stature. However, Taeyong instantly catches the uncertainty in your voice as well. 

“Aren’t there four couples in the room?” Taeyong whispers over his shoulder at you.

Crossing your arms, you roll your eyes at his obvious thinking. “Yeah, but Mark isn’t going to choose a couple to kiss. How boring.” 

Taeyong chuckles out of disbelief at your comment. “I’ll volunteer you if you want to really spice things up.” 

And your eyes grow wide at his mischievous suggestion, pinching at his arm lightly. Underneath the fleece, Taeyong feels sturdy and strong. It’s only another reminder that you two aren’t kids anymore. “Lee Taeyong, do not. I don’t want to kiss anyone in this room.” That might’ve been a lie, even if you didn’t want to admit it to yourself that you are just a little curious how Taeyong might have matured. 

“Everyone close your eyes.” Mark excitedly smiles and everyone obliges. You gulp the pooled saliva in your mouth, trying to manifest every possible hope that you aren’t chosen in this room of twenty people. Mark wouldn’t screw you over like that, would he? The more you pondered that thought, the more you believe that he totally would.

Then, you feel a hand on your arm and you’re being guided somewhere. A cloth covers your eyes and you’re quick to snarl, “Mark Lee, this is your only Christmas present. You get no more favors from me.” your cadence is only loud enough for him to hear and though you’re robbed of your sight, Mark’s boyish laughter says enough about his enlightened facial expression.

“This is what you get for trying to leave five minutes into my extravagant party I tried so hard to put on.” Mark sarcastically comments and pats your shoulders for a last indication of reassurance.

You hear footsteps in front of you and an uncanny presence of another in your close proximity. “Okay, everyone can open their eyes.” Mark cheers and it’s not like you can see much through the dark cloth that covers your eyes, but yours open anyways.

Gasps fill the room, slight hollering and cheering. The reactions cause an unsettling stir in your lower stomach. “Kiss!” and before you know it, the unknown person searches for your face and cups it gingerly. The feeling being very familiar to a scene before.

The both of you lean in and it’s difficult with the lack of sight, but people kiss with their eyes closed right? It’s not your first kiss, but also the sense deprivation is something different. When you tilt your head and go in for it, your noses bump together clumsily. You’re slightly embarrassed, your heart is leaping out of your chest from the sudden display of affection and you’re strangling Mark in your imagination.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper, but there isn’t a response back. Instead, your partner dives in without any trace of struggle. Their lips glide perfectly with yours and it’s almost like you’re kissing snow. Any form of awkwardness melts away; their hand on your cheek feels natural and comforting. Your heart yearns for this sense of security as the same warmth from the fireplace embodies your chest. 

When you two pull away, the room bursts into a loud chaos of cheers. Before you can take off your blindfold, you can feel everyone running toward the both of you to give you excited pats on your head and arm. 

“I can’t believe that just happened!” Your friend’s voice can be heard in your ear. As you lift off the cloth, you see him in the midst of the chaos. Through the heavy dog pile of overly joyous people, Lee Taeyong stands a few feet from you in his ugly Christmas sweater, messy frosty hair and a pink hue across his pale cheeks. 

He looks over at you and shyly smiles. “Hopefully that spiced things enough for you. Happy Holidays, Y/N.” He can barely process everyone else's excitement, but he feels joyous for once. After a long cold bitter winter, he feels warm. 

“Happy Holidays, you big goof. Good to have you back.” You push at his arm, laughing happily at the ridiculously wide smile he has on his face. You’re glad to see Taeyong smile again. 

[thompsborn]

do you have any spare ironhusbands or sambucky headcanons?

ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY

oh my god okay i’ve been so fucking wrapped up in both ironhusbands and sambucky and absolutely nothing else for WEEKS because of tfatws (obviously if you have seen my endless spam of reblogs but can you BLAME ME) and the portal closed has ironhusbands so i’ve been just. oh my god i am happily drowning in this and them and i do not need nor want air. ok.

also these are all hc’s based just in canon not au, and lol warning this got so long help me, though my brain is so scrambled from tfatws finale that all sambucky thoughts are scrambled and jumbled so i wasn't able to coordinate them as well as ironhusbands so the ironhusbands section is definitely longer pfighf i'm so sorry i'm like this

ironhusbands:

when they met at mit tony didnt know shit. like. like nothing. he didnt know a single god damn thing about anything. like he was a genius he could solve any equation given to him and baffled professors when he was handed like two supposedly impossible equations to this fuckin fourteen year old and he just looked at them with like a mcdonalds burger or some shit hanging out of his mouth and just answered them no problem, but he was still such a hopeless idiot, and rhodey, also a genius attending as a sixteen year old, had to teach him the basics of life, like. making toast. tony how do NOT know how to make toast. its TOAST. you put it in the TOASTER. have you NEVER SEEN A—OH MY GOD HOW DID YOU FUCKING CATCH IT ON FIRE—

he does not perfect the clearly impossible task of making toast until he is 17 and rhodey buys him a cake to celebrate the momentous occasion even though tony went though 528 toasters

you are gold by the national parks. thats it. thats all i have to say. listen to the song and look up the lyrics. you’ll get it.

and also paper planes by jon bellion but specifically for after rhodey tells tony he’s gonna join the air force and tony is worried but doesnt know how to show it and they have like a chill night in and all tony can think about is how stupid he is and how he’s such a coward because he cant get himself to tell rhodey that hi!! i love u!! and im scared to lose u and that you’ll get hurt and maybe die or smth!!

when rhodey finds out about how tony was raised (going with mcu, where tony wasnt physically abused but more emotionally neglected and ignored by howard and always talked down to and compared to others and wasnt treated like he was worthy and never was told he was loved and everything like that) he gets PISSED. like he is MONUMENTALLY angry. and it takes YEARS for him to find out about this too. and it actually puts a bit of a strain on their friendship for awhile when they meet too

like rhodey knows about the starks obviously and he assumes tony is going to be this obnoxious arrogant rich boy asshole and is so not looking forward to being roommates but he was raised to have an open mind and give everyone a chance, but tony was raised to be wary of everyone and keep his walls up and his emotions in shackles because whatever he shows can be used against him, so they clash, you know? they dont fight or anything but theres tension bc it isnt right and they dont get each other.

rhodey tries to be nice and tony doesnt understand nice because his only example of nice is jarvis and his mom and even then his mom and jarvis are always off with his dad so he barely sees them so its still rare for him to experience the nice of them so he doesnt know how to be around someone nice all the time, and so he gets defensive and thinks about how howard drilled it into him to be wary and he thinks maybe rhodey isnt ACTUALLY nice but someone PRETENDING to be

and rhodey starts to feel justified in assuming the worst about tony stark because tony is all cold and distant and rude and is about to stop the keeping an open mind thing about a month into their first year but then he comes back to their dorm early from class one day and tony doesnt come in so rhodey is just standing there and watches for a minute as tony sits there staring down at his twenty sixth attempt at a letter he wants to send his mom becauss he knows his mom likes letters even though he could just call but they havent really called him (howards fault but he’s fourteen still and its hard to rationalize that howards busy life and controlling thumb extends past his son) and rhodey is just confused because tony just suddenly sighs and sniffles a bit and murmurs “this is so stupid” and crumbles up the paper and throws it in the garbage and rhodey cant help but peer into it and barely sees the words hey mom scribbled at the top and that. that. hm. okay.

so rhodey keeps trying because he wasnt supposed to see that but he did and now he kind of has a feeling that maybe tony isnt all that cold and distant and rude as he seems, maybe he just doesnt really know how to be any different, so he thinks about all the subtle little ways that his family has shown him they care about him and starts to invite tony to go get food or to study together even though neither of them really need to study or to help each other with assignments or just anything thats mundane enough to not raise suspicion but still starts to open the door and make tony relax around him just that little bit and then before tony realizes it the end of their first year is there and theyre like friends or something and it hits him that he’s gonna miss rhodey.

for the first time ever there’s someone other than his mom and jarvis that he’s actually going to miss.

rhodey grins at him and says that they’ll be roommates again next year because they have to be and that the summer will be over before they know it and the sentiment is nice but tony spends the summer alone wandering around a house too big and empty after being in a dorm that’s small and has a friend.

but rhodey doesn’t know this. like he knows that tony isn’t the kind of guy he originally assumed but he doesn’t know that he’s literally ignored and neglected and like emotionally and sometimes verbally abused so he’s kind of surprised when the next year begins and they DO end up being roommates again (because tony kind of asked his mom, on a rare day when he got to see her and howard wasnt around, to get mit to make sure they could be) and tony just HUGS him like its been years and they’ve known each other forever but he goes with it and hugs him back because maybe tony’s just more affectionate once he gets to know someone and rhodey is okay w that.

they get closer as the years go by and they graduate from mit together and they’re BEST friends and at the end of the year rhodey invites tony to spend new years eve w his family but tony cant bc howard is having some kind of gala starting at 5 because hes weird and dumb and tony hates it and he also isnt given the option of not going even though he doesnt want to but the entire way there howard drills into him about not fucking up and berates him for all the times he has in the past and when they get there tony is already just not feeling it so he’s like nope!! no!! i simply cannot!!

so he goes in and finds an exit thats in the back and he leaves and finds a fucking payphone of all things and he has rhodeys home number memorized for years now and he calls and someone he doesnt knoe answers and theres music in the background and voices and tony’s entire stomach is in his throat and his heart is sunken into his twisted gut because he just wanted one night where maybe he could smile next to his parents and feel like he fit with them but he couldnt have that and he asks to talk to rhodey and then he is and asks if its too late to accept his invite and rhodey is like yeah of course do u need my address bc its still only 5 pm and its a 2 hour drive between south philadelphia and manhattan so he’d make it with plenty of time before it got to midnight so yay

and tony is like. oh. hm. i dont know how to drive actually. that was a thing that no one ever thought to teach me even though i asked about it about ten million times. and rhodey is used to tony not knowing how to do things that most people their age can (see: the toast) and plus its not uncommon for people from new york to not drive anyway so he doesnt think anything of it and instead asks for tony’s address to come pick him up instead and they’d still make it back by like 9-9:30 so that would work too

and thats when tony is like. well.

about that.

he might be calling from a payphone.

on a random street corner.

and its kind of raining. and he’s cold. and he’s a bit dulled out from everything so he doesn’t really think about the fact that admitting this is going to lead to having to explain what happened and also why and that is happens often. but that doesnt matter because he kind of just wants to be with his best friend and not back at that gala with his dad right now.

rhodey is like,,, ok. ok. wheres a coffee shop nearby u can wait in. and tony thankfully is by a 24 hour one and tells him the name and the street corner its closest to and rhodey is like i’ll be there asap and tony goes and he waits.

a two hour drive turns into an hour and a half because rhodey is Worried™

but when he walks in tony goes from being all dulled out to being all HOLY SHIT because rhodey has a SPLIT LIP and he’s like WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WHAT THE FUCK WHAT

and rhodey’s like no no its good my uncle was having fun and trying to wrestle with me and he accidentally elbowed me its all good man dont worry about it

tony isnt used to accidentally being hurt tho so he’s still like hmmm but he takes rhodeys word on it and they head out and tony wont say what happened or why he was calling from a payphone ?? which btw tony literally only was able to do bc there happened to be dropped change on the ground because boy would not have change on him ok, but rhodeys like alright lets go with this for now

so they gets to the rhodes house and it is in full swing with family and extended family and adopted family bc they are 100% the family that just adopts the neighborhood kids and the people who have no one else and like ex boyfriends and ex girlfriends even after the relationship ends bc they still are family despite not dating whoever it was they had been dating in order to be introduced to them so its a LOT of people and tony is like. this is semi familiar in terms a lot of people but this is NOTHING like what he has ever seen before holy fucking SHIT

rhodey is just like oh u have a small family then? so ur used to smaller gatherings?

and tonys like wtf are gatherings

and rhodey is starting to get a feel for what might be wrong but just takes tony inside to get him changed because he’s not spending new years eve at the rhodes house in a fucking expensive suit ok

tony is completely out of his element and like he’s not the only white guy there bc again the rhodes adopt people and those people are of every race and nationally you can imagine but he just isnt used to the vibe there are people laughing and sitting close together and playing games and theres music playing but not like classy music its music people can dance to and are dancing to and the food isnt the food he’s used to at galas and shit and nothing is what he’s used to and he just sticks to rhodey’s side like a fucking lost puppy and tries his best not to look like an idiot when rhodey introduces him to people and a lot of them know who he is but dont judge him or assume shit about him bc obviously if he’s friends w rhodey then he’s a good guy and they want to know him and thats enough

but tony is v overwhelmed bc what the FUCK IS HAPPENING this is nothing like anything he has ever experienced EVER

so eventually rhodey can tell he’s getting overwhelmed and takes him inside and lets him have a breather and then asks him about whats going in and thats when rhodey learns about what tonys life at home is really like and. anger.

SO MUCH anger

because not only has every single assumption he has ever made about tony been proven wrong, but now he knows that the best person he knows has never been treated the way he deserves and has never known a true home and comfort and love and safety and

and he’s gonna fix it

and this is the first step

so he takes tony back out and they’re still just friends but this is the day they both quietly realize they might kind of definitely like each other as more because tony is still so confused by the fact that what he knows isnt the normal and overwhelmed by how much there is and how different it is but rhodey holds his hand as a grounding point and whenever it might be too much they move off to the side where they arent completely gone but its less hectic and a bit more quiet and its just nice

tony goes to rhodeys house for every holiday despite whatever howard says

rhodey decks howard the only time they ever meet before tonys parents die and he has the most shit eating grin on his face afterwards that tony cant help but lose his shit laughing his ass off

anyway i didnt mean to ramble for so long about that specific idea so i’ll end the ironhusbands ramble with this one last thought, which is as follows:

rhodey gets hurt in the air force at some point, and it isnt that bad tbh but he does have to go the hospital and shit and gets stitches or whatever idk i dont know what specifically happens i just think it’d be just bad enough that it takes him a few weeks to be able to go back to work but he’s not like OH GOD HURT yk?

but like stated above tony was scared and worried when rhodey told him he was gonna go into the air force so he hears about this and they’re probably like almost 30 at this point because they’re dumb and it takes them forever to get their heads out of their asses (i say this even though in the portal closed it takes them even longer but i digress) rhodey has like his mon his sister his niece visiting him and they were worried but they know hes fine so theyre just talking and in a good mood and then—

door slams open. tony stark enter stage left. disheveled suit, fresh from a meeting he definitely was not supposed to leave, having flown in from maibu the second he heard and then had happy drive him and then got impatient because of traffic and ended up sprinting like ten blocks while happy was like what the FUCK

of course rhodeys family are well aware that these idiots are desperately in love with each other so they’re just like lol ok and just leave the room while tony starts fretting over him like he’s about to die himself if he doesnt know if rhodey is okay and rhodey is like tony tony dude tones stop tony im okay tony stop it

until finally tony just fucking breaks down like full on tears in his eyes voice cracking hands clasped as he leans against rhodeys bed and tells him that he was so scared and he is so scared all the time whenever rhodey is out there because all he can think about is losing him and him getting hurt or dying and it’s maddening and this is when they get their heads out of their asses and kiss for the first time

(irony at its finest bc later when they are married and tony becomes iron man rhodey refuses to not have a suit of his own because if tony is going out there in a metal flying tin can then he isn’t going alone and wow what a power couple)

sambucky:

firstly i’m going to go post tfatws, but i’ll make a bullet point before going into it so if you wanna read up until that point you can but most of this will be random little headcanons based post tfatws

also it isnt like a whole plotline thing like the ironhusbands ones ended up being these ones are more random and kinda all over the place but loosely connected

update from after writing this: i lied

let me start by saying my interpretation of why they are the way they are in civil war is because of steve

thats not saying steve is the bad guy i mean to say that they’re jealous of each other because they thought that THEY were steve’s best friend who the fuck is THIS guy i dont want him here go away

children. they are children.

which i find very funny to imagine from sams pov because he literally is a licensed therapist and would 100% recognize why he’s acting how he is but he’s petty enough to do it anyway

and also he literally was helping steve track bucky down but i like to imagine that sam didnt think they’d ever really find him again and it’d just make him and steve like super mega best friends or something because hes a CHILD

and then from bucky’s pov steve goes through all this trouble to find him and protect him and then this random guy is acting like steve’s best friend and gets to sit in the front seat ??? bullshit. absolutely bullshit. worst thing ever. so stupid.

its so funny to me okay its SO funny

its like that schoolyard thing where your friend makes another friend and you hate it so much that you do something stupid like color on their drawing or put gum in their hair or whatever but they’re adults with 1. super soldier serum or 2. a superhero reputation/avengers status and suit with wings. so thats a thing.

post civil war i dont think they get much yk. because bucky is out in cryo and team cap is on the run and i doubt theyre able to return to wakanda much, if at all, and then it’s infinity war and then it’s endgame and after endgame there’s the aftermath and the aftermath is a mess

i like to think they have some moments before tfatws though. not many but enough for that slight foundation thats we can kind of see in episode 2 yk.

okay NOW it gets into post tfatws so!!

SO post tfatws everything is different because now they not only have spent all this time together, but they understand each other in a way that they didn’t before. in a way no one ever has. not even steve, who may have known them before, but he isn’t here anymore and he wouldn’t understand who they are now vs who they were before and it’s different.

bucky finds comfort in sam’s home town. sam finds comfort in watching bucky find a home there and he doesnt know why.

also sam treats redwing like a puppy and lets him fly around on his own and gets pet and stuff and bucky acts annoyed but the longer it happens you can tell he’s like “oh my god why is this thing endearing”

bucky has nightmares and sam knows this but bucky doesnt know that sam also has nightmares until one night when they’re still in sams home town and they’re staying on the boat because sams nephews are having a sleepover with some friends and they didnt want to get in the way or smth idk i just want an excuse for them to be on the boat and somewhat secluded from people but bucky already woke up from his nightmare and is out on the deck to get some fresh out and then oop

sam havin a nightmare too

because fucking of COURSE sam has nightmares he has been through some shit too!! not being able to catch riley and everything that happened since meeting steve and thanos and he turned to dust alone in the bushes ok like yes everyone that died were traumatized undoubtedly (peter my baby boy baby im so sorry that you got the worst of it) but bucky was around people but sam was laying on the ground and probably just watched his hands as he disappeared and he was alone and like. jesus christ ok.

and then steve trusted him with every weight and everything that comes with the shield not knowing how much more the shield has when he gave it to a black man and just like he has nightmares everyone in marvel does its a fact

but bucky finds out like this and he is shocked even though he realizes he probably should have been able to guess that this is a thing and he knows so much more about sam now than he ever did but this is how he learns more. he learns about riley. he learns so much.

sometimes bucky has those like “oh shit” moments where he’s like “maybe i was kind of a dick to someone who didnt deserve it” and he already had one of those with sam about the shield but he has another one because he assumed shit about sam when they were being all childish and jealous about someone else being friends with steve but like fuck

steve and sam probably got it

the not catching someone. the way it felt to try and to reach out and to miss and to have to choice but to watch as they fell.

what’s different is that steve got bucky back. he got to have that relief, eventually, even if there was the pain of knowing bucky had been taken by hydra, but at least he knew bucky had made it.

sam didn’t have that. riley didnt make it.

therefore, bucky has his “oh shit”

and bucky was already going soft around the edges with sam (as clearly seen in the last two episodes of tfatws, ESPECIALLY the finale because like did tou SEEZ ALL THE HEART EYES oh my GOD) but it’s this that really makes something in him melt and he just. he loses the last remnants of whatever tension or resentment or whatever negative feeling he may have been clutching onto.

there wasnt much left. but now theres none. now its all washed away.

its gone, and he gets it.

sam is a licensed therapist and he knew the reason he was being all dumb and childish and jealous with bucky was because steve had another best friend but also because steve’s other best friend was the guy that had been a big factor in how him and steve understood each other and how they bonded and it

it had kind of felt like they lost part of that when they found bucky again in civil war and he kind of wanted to blame bucky for it even though he didnt actually blame him at all so all it translated to was that dumb kind of jealous thing instead

but now it’s just them. its sam and bucky and it isnt steve and it isnt about steve and it shouldnt be because its about them. its about the boat and the water and the way they sit and watch the waves while the silence settles over them and the way that bucky says, “im sorry.”

its the way sam says, “me too.”

and bucky says, “you dont have to be.”

its the way they stay there until sarah comes to get them for breakfast and sams nephews convince them to play with them and their friends and the world is still shit and there is so much to do but

but its this and its them and that can wait

it can wait

they can take their time if they want to

maybe they’ve earned that much, at least

(it isn't a fast development because they're a complicated pair and there's so much to the two of them that need to figured out individually before they can even realize how well they work together, but the steps are so much easier knowing that they have the other in their corner and bucky knows that sam's home town is a place he's welcome to go and sam helps him make his own dreary little apartment into something that feels real and tangible with a bed and a couch and when they've become something that resembles stable and they've found a balance and they're okay, that's when they realize that maybe they can try for the more that sometimes bubbles under their skin and that they started to think about the more they spend time together. the warmth that sam feels every time he sees bucky playing games with his nephew and the smile that bucky has to fight to hide and still can't fully suppress when sam stands tall and proud with the shield in its rightful place, and it takes time, it takes work, it takes carefully placed bricks to build the foundation they need, but they get there, and when they do...

when they do, they're already happy, and it just makes them happier, and that's what makes it so much better.

that's what makes it worth the wait.)

[mimik-u]

“Growing Pains” Thoughts:

Dogcopter 6: Til Death Do Us Part: I Now Promounce You Man and Woof. CVVGFFRFGGGGFFFFG. The little immersion detail of the actors in the movie ofc being dogs, so they stick their tongues out at random moments is so funny.

“Everyone’s getting married but me.” JEODOFJDJDNDJDJJDJDJDJD. STEVEN, UR SIXTEEEN.

But I feel Steven @ his depression ice cream/movie binge.

Steven immediately reverting back to his normal coloring after his dad picks up. 😭

Even Greg (through Steven’s initial encouragement) has found a fulfilling lease on life through being a manager, and you can see on Steven’s face that he realizes that the perceived gulf between himself and everyone he loves is deep and wide. Everyone is moving on, and he’s in stasis.

(Just as the Gems were once upon a time—Greg, Lars, Sadie, and all the others, too.)

“It wasn’t important.” 😭😭😭

Steven’s body instinctively reacting after he opens the fridge and sees his proposal glow bracelet. 😭😭😭

Ugh, the “Full Disclosure” ringtone is still so good. And it’s a subtle reminder of the conflict from that very episode—Steven trying to repress all of his trauma.

Hhhhhhhhh, I love Priyanka Maheswaran. She’s such a good character.

“You’re sixteen years old, and you’ve never been to the DOCTOR?!”

Oh, my God, but upon noticing that her panic scared him, Priyanka does her best to soothe Steven: “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ll have a talk with your father later.”

OH, THE X-RAYS OF THE GEMS ARE SO COOL. AND THEN THE DETAIL OF AMETHYST HAVING RANDOM STUFF IN HER STOMACH?? A+

OH, MY GOD. HE’S BEEN HEALING HIMSELF EVERY TIME HE’S BEEN SUSTAINING INJURIES.

“Well, you seem to have made a series of miraculous recoveries, but that doesn’t change the fact that you experienced trauma. You’ve recovered physically, but have you recovered mentally?” ... “Not wrong! It's that adverse childhood experiences, or childhood trauma, can have a lasting impact on how your body responds to stress.”

I’m genuinely speechless.

This is some of the most, if not the most important writing to ever come out of this series.

OH, GOD, THE MONTAGE OF ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO HIM SINCE THE STSRT OF THE SHOW

JESUS FUCMK

“Pearl did die.” Because poofing is a form of death, and Steven will always conceive of it as so.

“But that—that was just the early stuff!” 😭😭😭😭😭😭 He literally only got through, like, Season 1.

AND THEN THE MONTAGE OF EVERYTHING ELSE. JESUS CH R

And know what gets me, too? Enemies like the Diamonds and Jasper and Eyeball of course crop up in this montage, but so do the Gems and various other allies, too: Pearl’s spear almost hitting him when he was stuck in Peridot’s pod, Amethyst transforming into Rose, Peridot’s attempts to kill him, Bismuth’s attempt to kill him. Because even the people we love and forgive have the capacity to harm us. And just because we’ve forgiven them doesn’t take away the harm.

Okay. I’m crying now.

“I think all these experiences have been subjecting your body to a harmful amount of stress, and that's affecting your ability to respond to new forms of stress in a healthy way. You've been dealing with genuine threats from such a young age, your body is now responding to minor threats as if your life were in danger!” HHHHHJJNNHH FUCK ME

Upon Priyanka asking if he’s had any stressful experiences lately, Steven clutches his heart, doubles over in pain, and remembers Connie, his body then going through its most painful contortions yet. 😭😭😭 I’m losing it. This episode.

OH, GOD. SHE DIDNT TELL PRIYANKA.

“I CAN’T BE AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW.” OH MY FUCKING G O D

Him hitting his head on the ceiling makes me think about what further injuries he may have just caused himself

GREG 😭😭😭

“Connie... thank you.” / “Yeah... I’ll be here when you’re ready.” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Connie knew that he needed a support system, but she equally knew that it couldn’t be her at the present moment.

Connie placing her arm on her mom’s back as they walk off is leaving me tender

“I proposed to Connie... she said no.” Zach Callison’s delivery here made me cry all the fuck over againS oh my go d

“My body, it's reacting like it's the end of the world! I think I've seen the world almost end so many times now, that everything that goes wrong feels that, that extreme!” 😭😭😭😭😭

“How do I live life it always feels like I’m about to die?” I am fucking sobbin g

The lighting of the bedroom scene is so warm and ambient hhhhhhh.

Man, I love Greg: “Cut yourself some slack. It's okay to be worried and make some mistakes when you're figuring out what to do with your life. That's not unusual.”

Augshhshsushssj, this episode ending with Greg prioritizing Steven. I’m just. I’m really soft. This episode emotionally undid me.

[brave-clarice]

“Clarice” Liveblog: Episode 2

Again, some extremely unfashionably late hot takes.

(Special thanks to @kathrynethegreat and @special-agent-pendragon​ for encouraging another liveblog!)

Clarice is working out! And eating junk food! I love it.

and cleaning her gun!

hey, Ardelia is drinking what I’m going to assume is her grandmother’s “smart people tea”.

Krendler disciplining Clarice already is infuriating but appropriate.

“I lost control.” Oh no, I don’t like that. Don’t make Clarice unstable. Her mental and emotional state never had anything to do with her failing career.

getting weird mixed signals from Ardelia. Last week, she obviously didn’t want Clarice to lie/stick to the script Krendler gave her, but now she’s telling Clarice she messed up by not doing so...?

“I better know you if you’re calling this early.” Amen, Ardelia.

I’m in love: this cinematography is straight out of the film (when she’s flying to WV with Crawford)!

“When’s the last time you went back to Appalachia?” “It’s been years.” What??? It has NOT been years--Clarice was JUST in West Virginia last week as well as in Silence, and she arguably attended college there as well. (UVA is at least nestled in the mountains, and you don’t have to drive far outside the Albemarle Valley to hit Appalachia proper.) After all the details about her character they’ve been nailing, they miss this glaring error? 

I like the tiny details she’s noticing (like the guy biting his nails). Not only because she’s an investigator, but because it’s reminiscent of Hannibal’s influence (imo).

Clarice Is Short: The Saga continues

still not getting any creepy vibes off Krendler. He’s going to be much less effective as an antagonist if he isn’t lewd as well as a dick.

I really don’t care for the way the opening “credits” fade out from the death’s-head moth to Clarice’s face. There are MANY animals that represent her, or parts of her, in the books--lions, lambs, horses, and of course birds--so this choice feels empty and lazy to me.

also lazy: having a fellow agent straight-up tell her in episode 2 “you shouldn’t be in the Bureau.” Maybe in two or three years, after some further “Death Angel”-type incidents, I could see this blatant rudeness, but not yet.

“Reesey”? Thanks, I hate it.

this flashback must be of Clarice’s little brother. That answers one question I had last week. That said...Clarice’s brother doesn’t play the same role in her story that Mischa does in Hannibal’s--but this sure feels like a Mischa-esque flashback.

good: they’re finally getting to the source of Clarice’s actual trauma!

bad: this is NOT how Clarice found out about her father. In fact, that whole incident is laid out in detail in the novels, and there’s nothing overly literary/un-cinematic about it, so this feels unnecessary. “The police are here! Something happened to Daddy!” No, bad! Show, don’t tell!

she would’ve known better than to introduce herself to that kid as “Clarice Starling, FBI,” come on now.

were they regularly able to wire tap hair clips in 1993? 

actually, nothing in this show looks very 90s to me so far. I’m sad about it.

so in eighteen months, Ruth Martin has gone from a junior Senator to the Attorney freakin’ General, and now she might run for governor?? At least let her get settled in one position of power first, why don’t you!

yet more Buffalo Bill flashbacks...alas.

are they trying to make this guy another surrogate Hannibal character? He’s commenting on Clarice’s accent and the dryness of her skin, asking about who she “left behind”...it all feels very Hannibal. (I know he’s a Charismatic Cult Leader trope, too--but when played off of Clarice...)

“Ew.” “I hate this guy.” I laughed.

I understand that Clarice probably feels conflicted re: her siblings in the book, but I’m really not digging the flashbacks of this Tim Burton character her brother.

@ the writers: Clarice already has the lamb backstory/symbolism, too. We don’t need this Little Brother stuff.

*shrieking* Mrs. Starling! At the sink washing the blood out of his hat!!! 

...aaand they had to ruin it with the brother’s painfully bad dialogue. Will still be good for gif-making, though.

are we supposed to interpret all these flashbacks as Clarice being incapable of controlling her emotions/state of mind? She keeps losing herself in memories and emerging all doe-eyed and panicky. I don’t like it.

not to be a broken record but...Clarice should be TOUGH. Again, Ardelia only saw her cry once in seven years. But she’s more worked up in this scene than Jodie was in Memphis!

when Mr. Cult Leader shouts “Agent Starling! Agent Starling!” he sounds exactly like Hannibal calling her back to his cell in the asylum. That has to be intentional. 

damn, wish that I could look as good five minutes after I’ve been crying as Clarice does.

I LOVE that Ardelia gets to be the crucial behind-the-scenes book-smart partner to Clarice’s action heroine.

AG Martin’s just playing politics by turning a blind eye to the crooked sheriff. But when her own daughter was just kidnapped and almost killed, she looks like a real hypocrite.

gosh, Rebecca Breeds is great. I already hope she gets nominated for an Emmy.

so Krendler is...doing the right thing???

Clarice’s father was definitely not a sheriff. I hope she’s just exaggerating for dramatic effect. (Maybe this will be clarified later.)

she couldn’t just sit with a manipulative guy without getting emotional, but she’s cool as a cucumber while telling an extended story about her father? HmmMM.

sometimes her mannerisms and facial expressions are so much like Jodie’s that it’s uncanny, like here when she leans forward to confront the Cult Leader.

“She did it.” Damn straight!

another great callback to Silence. this show’s camera crew knows its stuff!

“He’s concerned I have some residual trauma from Bill.” I. Hate. This. Subplot--and all its OOC implications.

“Catherine was close to her father, too.” Ooh, a nice allusion to the novel! Clarice makes note of their “common wound,” the loss of a father, when she’s in Catherine’s apartment in Silence.

she is just SO pretty.

little Clarice looks a LOT like Rebecca Breeds. I hope we see some more of her. 

The Good:

the continuing visual nods to the Silence film via cinematography

Mama Starling!!!

Clarice’s “The World Will Not Be This Way Within the Reach of my Arm” attitude, refusing to leave without helping the victims.

Ardelia Mapp coming in clutch! 

Clarice being, generally, a badass

and using psychological tricks/mind games to pin the antagonist...that’s the woman who disarmed a monster with just a few words.

Rebecca Breed’s acting has been phenomenal so far.

I like Clarice’s haircut a lot better when worn down (though it’s not very practical for fieldwork, so we probably won’t see it much).

The Bad:

the continuing Buffalo Bill-related Trauma Subplot. Ugh.

all the flashbacks to Clarice’s brother (and the not-so-subtle suggestion that her brother is, symbolically, another lamb).

will the real Paul Krendler please come forward? this guy is so TAME.

the other agents’ hostility towards Clarice needs to be toned down slightly so that it can escalate. Otherwise, where’s the tension?

is this actually 1993? I’m not feeling it. Shouldn’t it have a little of that Season 1/2 X-Files aesthetic? Please give me more than once-an-episode references to pagers and fax machines!

that glaring Appalachia continuity error...it’s still bugging me.

I missed the overt Hannibal references, even though they’re not necessary to any part of this episode. A lady can dream!

Overall, I really liked this one despite my various issues with it. It started shakily but built to a great finish. The emphasis across both episodes on Clarice being in the FBI not just to “get out, get anywhere,” but out of a genuine desire to help victims has been wonderful. I just hope they don’t swerve too far into the “too traumatized and emotionally compromised to function” lane. It would be a disservice to Clarice’s character and to her journey (and would smack too much of “Hannibal really did prey on her weak mind/brainwash her”.

Things I’d still like to see: More of her personality. Her hobbies and interests. That she’s cleaning her gun is great! Now let’s see “Poison Oakley” practicing her sharpshooting skills. Or car shopping. Or clothes shopping to show off her “developing taste.” (Ardelia can come!) I’ll take literally anything. Give us more of Clarice’s sense of humor as well. She had some subtle funny moments in the pilot, and it’s nice to see Rebecca smile for a change.

And Krendler? Smear that man in grease! I appreciated a happy ending even though Clarice’s career is, as we know, already in a downward spiral--the last thing we want is for every episode to be a slog, especially when a good chunk of the audience hasn’t read the book and doesn’t know Clarice is doomed to fail in the Bureau.

However... Krendler’s not a “redemption arc” kind of character. Or even a “run-of-the-mill sexist asshole” character. This is a man who spent seven years systematically sabotaging a young woman’s career because a) he was jealous that she solved the Gumb case before him, and b) she wouldn’t fuck him. He was a Justice Department official working fist-in-glove with a serial child molester who was planning some of the heinous vigilante justice imaginable. THAT’S why his very gruesome end at Hannibal’s hands felt deserved--even Clarice thought so! In short, he needs to get nasty.

Anyway, thanks for coming to another long-overdue TedTalk. Fingers crossed that the next one will be more timely (aiming for Sunday night)! 

[icecreamkink]

so i watched cobra kai all in two days and i have so many -

this show has so many cool and smart angles to it, but the same time.... its so stupid oh my god everyone is so dumb literally mr miyagi held all of the braincells in this whole universe 

like i am but at the same time i am not surprised it was made like this, bc in hindsight of course there were hordes of ppl simping over johnny lawrence ....  but it still amuses me that this is like... an Actual Official Thing

ok this will get long so cut it is

how much fun this cast has is super visible and i love it

i rly enjoy how the world was expanded ! i did grow up watching the karate kid movies, so watching how they progressed the world of the movies so organically was pretty cool. it rly feels like its the same universe

i fucking LOVE stories that are largely about a Thing. dancing ,skating, sports its just so thrilling to experience this all consuming relationship people can have with this type of activity? and martial arts are just that much more intense, so yeah, grown ass men kicking each other around at the lightest provocation and a war veteran caring so much abt teen karate is Ridiculous.... but i love it all because thats the intensity i find so thrilling

was kinda surprised with how much im missing mr. miyagi. first because, like everyone is so unhinged jesus christo, it just really throws into relief how much his character grounded the narrative of the movies. but also hes just a really great character

and on that note it rly Gets Me that the show itself aknowledges that and plays that into daniels angst and all the little ways they sorta weave myiagisms into the whole show........ im not getting emotional over this dumb karate dads show OK

related - i really miss hearing ‘daniel-san’ 🥺🥺

ACE DEGENERATE oh god oh no

they really went down the down and out johnny lawrence route huh. like i was always kinda bummed we see kreese choking him and then we never see him again in the movies, and while i love dumpster fire problematic trash himbo ck johnny, its like......................... actually really sad that his life turned out like this fjngn

everytime i hear ‘babes’ and ‘pussy’ i die a little inside. i know thats the point but i am a v cringe easy person, have mercy (ehe)

loved the way they are constantly drawing parallels between johnny and mr. myiagi of all people. hes the handy man of his building that has a bullied kid asking for help and eventually steps up to teach them karate, beats up a bunch of bullies for him, creates a friendship with said kid, estranged from family, drinks his sorrows away, surprisingly one of the least quick to anger characters (which says more about everyone else really but.... Well.), no schemes or ulterior motives hes just tryna vibe here.... oh and ofc magically heals miguel of is asthma apparently. the true disciple.. meanwhile daniel is his usual messy petty self even tho he wants to be mr myiagi so bad 

also interesting about that is how miguels character is a parallel of both johnny and daniel at the same time

overall the parallels in ck are done really well, drawing comparisons and also subverting them constantly. theyre well thought out

THE PARALELOGRAMS

fr tho, the angle being explicitly the cycle of trauma and its effects and how trumatized adults in turn traumatize kids, maliciously or not, is so interesting

but! on the flip side of that, it feels like the writers are getting in their own way @ letting the characters grow. especially this last season. theres only so many times you can do "johnny and daniel are getting along but 5mins later they are (literally) fighting over some dumbass random issue" or "johnny puts in 20% of effort with robby and then gives up" before it gets on your nerves yknow?

i see daniel no longer talks like macchio ingested 15 shots of espresso before every take and idk how to feel about that tbh

interesting tension in daniel, as in, in tkk mr miyagi was there and daniel was frankly, kind of a lil shit, this messy petty spitfire hot tempered sassy kid,(johnny lawrence voice: just... stop being so annoying) but now hes the adult, and he wants to be mr. miyagi... but hes just not, and never will be to his very core and it shakes him and in a way hes trying to find who he is now that he sees himself in a position to be a not! cobra kai figure. i kinda really like that 

plus how that relates to his cobra kai trauma. idk if the writers thought abt it Like That, i think so, but in any case, its interesting bc it seems like daniel has told everyone whod listen about johnny lawrence his Pretty Boy Karate Rival and high school and 84 cobra kai... But. no one seems to know what went on in 85 (or 86? idk) which was just so much worse

like ye og cobras were shitheads, but tkk iii is just two hours of daniel being emotionally and physically tortured. 

like, the third movie is.............chaotic, to put it nicely, and many people ignore it, but the writers clearly didnt. daniels actions are, in a way, responding so much more to the events of tkk iii than to the first movie ie. johnny himself, AND. daniel doesnt rly seem to have dealt with that trauma? he never told sam? doesnt feel like hes ever told amanda? he doesnt even say terrys name out loud? freaks Out over kreese ? the way he reacts to robbys deceit? his FACE when he walks past the new "fear does not exist in this dojo" paint or kreeses photo? hmMm i sense Pain

his fashion tho........... disappointing. where are the flower shirts daniel huh we had one (1) shirt what a tragedy STOP WEARING SUITS ALL THE TIME . also the band ts/grunge bi are a look for johnny but part of me longs for the preppy lovable 80s bully chic johnny lawrence getups

weird that they never used that last moment of karate kid where johnny kinda... snaps out of his anger and hands daniel the trophy almost in tears. like “youre alright larusso, good match” “thanks a lot”  that being their last direct interection seems like itd be perfect fruit for cobra kai but... they just dont. weird. 

especially when, the FIRST SCENE they see each other, suposedly in 30+ years, the first thing to come out of daniels mouth is QUOTE "u still got those golden locks huh?" WHO SAYS SHIT LIKE THAT DANIEL FUCKING SAN 

also amandas immediate reaction "your pretty boy rival?" like. can we talk about the fact that daniel had to have imparted to his wife the very important information that his high school bully/karate rival was like Really Cute and Fucking Hot Actually

 the writers Knew exactly what they were doing and honestly.............. power to them

tkk director voice: and billy was just so cute  

also I was thinking that daniel sounded strangely fond in that first scene, and i wonder if he developed a weird affection for johnny on the grounds that of all of his Karate Rivals johnny was actually the only one who didn’t actively tried to literally kill him

i was actually delightedly surprised with how great the chemistry between them is, like from the get go i am Invested. their rl friendship totally bleeds through and its fantastic

. granted, idiots enemies to lovers friends is my Thing so i am biased  

johnny lawrence: i am down in the dumps, i fucked up my whole life and my sons probably, largely in light of the trauma that the father figure sensei and the philosophy of my karate inflicted on me and all my friends. u know what i should do, as a traumatized, unreliable mess of an adult? teach that same philosophy to some other kids! what could go wrong! 

but really i enjoy the setup of it. i kinda like that i watched it late because, season 1 was johnny setting himself up for failure in a way and it was exciting to watch it all go to shit sjfn

Like. his heart might be in the right place, but theres just.... not a way to teach something like ‘strike hard, no mercy’ and not have it fuck up a kid 

case and point: aisha, miguel and hawk become annoying as all hell over that bullshit in the end of s1, even before shit gets truly fucked up

billys subtle panicked eyes when he sees hawk and miguel fighting dirty in the all valley was SO GOOD especially in parallel with the panic that is so visible in his face in the movie when kreese tells bobby to injure daniel and in the sweep the leg scene 

seen people question wether kreese should have returned and i absolutely think he needed to. johnny needed to realize that cobra kais fundamentals are flawed, at the root, beyond kreese himself being a toxic piece of shit 

also who are we kidding? we are here to see the tkk characters play on new playgrounds!

i get what they're doing abt kreeses backstory, ( also. cobra kai. pq eles caem nas cobras djjs sorry) but did it need to take up that much time? feels like they couldve  done it in half the run time and developed some other stories better 

martin kove has such an evil eye. i love it

love that we get a good follow up to kreese breaks johnnys trophy and tries to CHOKE HIM in the parking lot, which happened in the movie and then....................... was never mentioned again

“the gang is all back together again” aaaa u piece of SHIT 

also. terry silver is definetely appearing ha ha ha PAIN i cant wait

seen ppl say kreese was too much of a cartoon villain like..........................oh......... sweetie........... u dont even Know

interested how johnny will fit into that bc kreese was simping rly hard for johnny here. like i did not expect him to be so adamant to have him with cobra kai ... under his control, sure, but he really wants johnny by his side despite already having control of the dojo and how will terry silver self appointed jon kreeses forever simp going to feel abt that? 

like bitchs dropping by every episode like ‘joooooohnny ..... come bacc to me joooonny......... this ur last warning! for real this time johnny! i wont say it again! watch me ! im leaving johnny! im rly leaving ! im dragging a chair” and johnny is just like. dont let the door hit ya bitch it was so funny pls

and on that subject oof, johnny! doesnt! Know! he doesnt get that side of daniels cobra kai trauma. and i kind of.............. cannot wait for ck 2021 johnny lawrence to meet terry silver like. what a shit show i need a front row seat and popcorn (imagine terry tries some greasy charm and johnny just roundhouse kicks him in the teeth bc he just doest Not Have the Patience for This. glorious)

feels like we, as a society, should acknowledge that cobra kai will never die................ bc their sense of design is just chefs kiss. their name is COBRA KAI. they have sexie sleeveless black gis. theyve sneks. colorful leather jackets with embroided naja insignia, the get ppl thru the aesthetics. evil geniuses

the flashback cuts : masterpiece behavior

the other takes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of the movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the differente angles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of the FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE CLOSE UP ON JOHNNYS FACE AT THE KICK 

that scene of daniel and johnny vibing to 80s music in the car. just. oh my god. the fan wish fullfilment. no thoughts head empty.

the new characters! theyre .... good. but. idk. i really like miguel (save for the annoying phase mid s1 - end s2) and amanda, who is a damn riot and has some functioning braincells, but everyone else is       

like dont get me wrong, i dont hate anyone,its not a jane and rafael from jtv situation,  and i am interested and invested in their arcs, but i wouldnt say i like   Like them, as in, personality wise 

like, sams grappling with ptsd was rly gutting and i enjoyed that plus her slight rage issues, 

which nicely parallel torys rage issues. torys background is all over the place tho so im pretty on the fence abt her so far

robby deserves better in every way, and i like how smart and cunning and surprisingly sweet he is

hawk............... is there i guess,

 demetri is annoying in the best way possible,

 carmen is sweet but. i just feel like her character is blunted to make the johnny relationship easier. like when shes furious with him after miguels injury but then forgives him like an episode later? and then convinces him to fight for the tournament bc she had a karate epiphany off screen even tho she was always against it? meh. feels like with the plot thiccening she was swallowed and now shes like a crutch for johnny mora than anything, which is disappointing.

aisha was cool and im kinda mad she wasnt in s3, especially bc a storyline with her tory and sam was like RIGHT THERE , but also... cant say i was super super fond of her... doesnt feel like we ever spent enough time on her

moon the bi icon, 

overall its a good cast but the main draw for me remains the og cast 

the tory/sam miguel/robby Thing. enjoy how theyre Narrative Foils and i like how their stories were so dramatically entangled but oh god give me a break with the teenage love square for the love of god. if u gonna put us through that at least have the decency to not make it so straight

and honestly some sam/tory        miguel/robby romantic tension would even make more sense. just saying! 

also im not sure how i feel abt the cobra kai: red miyagi do: blue theyre going with since some of daniels most iconic looks in tkk are also red. like it was a color they (johnny and him) sorta shared. i get it, opposite but complementary but idk... a little too fire nation and water tribe for me .

 and like the cobra kai kids are so funny abt it bc their outifts grow progressively more ridiculously coordinated. its like do they group chat every morning before leaving their houses? 

robby still sticks out like that tho. he went thru an athleisure/daniel san tsleeves phase and now hes back in the bandts grunge, but his color scheme doesnt fully blend with the other cobra kais. hmmmm.

LOVED LOVED LOVED both the okinawa episode and the cobra kais easy rider episode just such good good heart aching fun

bobby is an icon. he was in tkk and he is now ck hope appears more and more

 tommy is like the most iconic background character. all his lines, freaking gold then and now. sigh :( 

the framing in the okinawa trip was so good everything was so good

i stand by the fact that kumiko was the love interest daniel had the most chemistry with and shes is overall such a joy to watch, loved to see her again, idola, fashion icon

also tkk ii is good u guys are just mean

also really enjoyed chozens role in the episode, his evolution; i love that they introduced the pressure points (ty lee the blueprint) and! the honk + karate! cousins! absolutely iconic

when kumiko reads mr miyagis letters........ oh my god, my eyes FILLED with tears, it was so heart wrenching :(( tamlyns delivery was so emotional and lovely and its so obvious everyone involved in ck has so much love and respect for pat morita and mr miyagi as character, and i adore that it exists like this electric current through the show

when we were watching i told my sister i thought that ali would be miguels big shot surgeon and ngl i am so disappointed that didnt happen. hire me cobra kai writers

also the johnny ali daniel amanda chemistry? off the charts

AND the sassy retconning of daniel and alis breakup! LMAO ‘I HOPE U DIDNT TELL MR MIYAGI IT WAS MY FAULT’ HFDJJGNKFKSD

i am preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure back injuries dont work like that    but oke

daniel and johnny are so good together whenever, like they never actually help the kids or get shit done and end up fighting anyway but its just so much fun when theyre hanging

JOHNNY LAWRENCE AND DANIEL LARUSSO FIGHTING TOGETHER

daniels “plan” on how to get robby to juvie was so stupid. literally were u TRYING to make him hate you. dumbass

parents at those hearing rly brave for ppl that did not do ANYTHING as their kids got involved in a karate gang war until now

“bullshit i heard u were the real bully!” i mightve screeched

this s3 ending was SO DRAMATIC omg

everyone is such a MESS go to THERAPY u unhinged motherfckers

also im sorry but uh. a richass neighborhood in california doesnt have some type of neighborhood watch? the larussos rly dont have any security at all? neighbors wont hear the sound of a damn karate brawl happening next door??? also wasnt tory all like ooo i cant go to juvie, my mom yada yada yet shes always running around town getting into fights even at the rich girls house she was kicked out of school for fighting??   ?  ??    ??        ?                ?    ?          ??                  ?    ? girl??

stop destroying the larussos house, its so pretty :((((

sam finding her center looking at mr miyagis picture...  uwu maybe

robby yelling ‘U ARE WEAAK’@  johnny \as he is easily blocking him is like.... so funny and so sad to me. sweetheart. 

also i know it was meant as ‘oh johnny pushes him and HURTS HIM’ but it just looks like robby runs himself into the lockers and IM SO SORRY I FEEL SO BAD BUT IT WAS SO FUNNY 

i like that he and tory are the cobra kai kids now. we need ppl we care abt there to not revert to a good vs evil schtick, and this is the most engaging it could be... tho it hurts that these kids cant catch a break

ah yes "lets bet some real shit on the result of this teen karate tournament bc that is always a great idea" is BACK

so daniel saves johnny from kreese..... maybe johnny will save him from terry 🧐

and dojos unite ohohoho. lets SEE how that’ll work out 

miguels face of Despair when the ck defectors and the md kids are bickering like 'this is never gonna work' : gold

also. Johnny Lawrence is gonna learn some myiagi-do karate AHAAHSJAKDFH

 ive been waiting for this moment all my lifeeee oh lawrd 

final thoughts! there are def things i hope the writers will improve on the next season, but i am very excited for it either way AND i feel like it has made me enjoy the movies even more and that is a win for a reboot/sequel to me!!

[orionsangel86]

“I Think It’s Time For Me To Move On”

...And Other Things That Have Destroyed Me This Weekend...

So there is this common trope within love stories which generally happens at the end of the second act in which everything goes wrong and we all think that the lovers are doomed to failure. Its pretty much standard in every Jane Austen novel, every romantic film every made, every single bloody love story. Go ahead, name one. I guarantee you the break up moment is there.

Within the epic love story of Dean and Cas, there have been many break up moments, and all have had their emotionally devastating impact on the relationship and the show...

But THIS was a different level. 

(For a nice summary of Destiel break up moments and understanding of this trope, @tinkdw​ wrote about it here.)

I didn’t think that there would be another moment within Dean and Cas’s relationship that could hit me this hard. The mixtape in 12x19, the wrapping of Cas’s body in 13x01, and the return of Cas in 13x05 are moments that I consider to be the very top of the scale in making this pairing undeniably romantic. Moments that pushed it beyond a platonic interpretation. These three moments have been the things I cling to when the show has otherwise made me doubt any conclusion to the DeanCas story, and since there hasn’t been another one of those moments since 13x05, until now I have been somewhat nervous that the story was dropped, or being forced back behind a platonic screen. 

15x03 has ripped that screen away. 

Emotional meta under cut...

This entire episode was an emotion fuelled dramatic roller-coaster that killed off three characters including our beloved witch queen in a scene that almost stole the show and practically canonised the SamWitch ship. Rowena’s death should have been by far the most torturous moment for viewers to endure, and it was extremely torturous and had me sobbing on a plane 3 hours into a 7 hour flight. That incredibly heartfelt moment between Sam and Rowena will probably go down as one of the top tear-jerking moments on this show. It was tragic in the best way - the way Supernatural is famous for.

But lets not gloss over the fact that in an episode where THAT should have been the climax, where THAT should have been the emotional highlight and end point, instead we get a further MORE dramatic stand off between Dean and Cas that pulled focus and ripped all of our hearts out just as violently as poor Ketch in the first act (a very clever and smug piece of meta foreshadowing there Mr Berens).

On a meta level, this is HUGE as a writing choice because they MUST know how this looks. This was the climax of the third episode of the finale season. The way Supernatural has always structured itself since Carver era is that the first three mytharc episodes of each season establish the direction of the story and set the foundations for the character level focal points and dramatic key notes to come. 

That the writers have chosen to end the foundation episodes with a DeanCas break up moment that was more dramatic than a Spanish Telenovela has just stunned me and left me reeling because I just can’t see how else this can go. This break up scene absolutely DEMANDS a huge reconciliation of the sort that will be part of the A plot of the season - the FINAL SEASON. Guys. Part of the reason I have been so quiet and so disillusioned with the show during late season 13 and season 14 was because they pushed any Destiel plot into non existent territory - it became kinda irrelevant and Dean and Cas just acted like friends (homoerotic friends yes, and sometimes like an old married couple, but it was mostly played as an afterthought imo), so for this to suddenly be brought to the forefront of the emotional story again is excellent news for us. 

The thing is, like with those huge moments I listed above, the break up scene is basically undeniably romantic when you break it down to its components:

1. It’s only Dean and Cas. 

Once again we have another scene of high stake emotions that excludes Sam. In a platonic reading of the show, it makes zero sense for there to be such a hugely disjointed relationship between Cas and Dean and Cas and Sam given he has known them both for so long now that if they were all “just friends” then surely Sam would also feel the impact of Cas’s choices as heavily as Dean. In a platonic reading, Dean comes across as an asshole, Sam comes across as being weirdly uncaring about his friend of 10 years, and Cas comes across as not even bothering to get Sam’s opinion before leaving. A romantic reading makes sense because quite literally THIS IS A ROMANTIC BREAK UP.

2. The words spoken. 

“Well I don’t think there is anything left to say.”

“I think it’s time for me to move on”

From Cas’s perspective at least, name one time in a piece of media where such language has been used for a platonic breakup sincerely? There have been heartfelt break up songs that use these exact words. (I should know I’ve spent the last 24 hours listening to them all).

That last line in particular is so heavy. It’s the last line of the episode and nothing about it is platonic. This is relationship terminology my dudes. “I need to move on, and get over you.” This is Cas’s bloody Adele song. My heart breaks for him, but if I was his sassy and fabulous best girlfriend right now I’d be sitting him down, sipping a cocktail, flipping my hair and telling him “Babe, you’re too good for him. Good Riddance. Let’s go out, have some cocktails, something pink and fruity. No dive bars for us darling. I’ll take you to Heaven... the fun one in London.”

In all seriousness though, from Cas’s perspective, this was him admitting defeat and giving up the fight for love. How anyone can possibly say Cas isn’t in love with Dean after this, well I just don’t know what show you are watching. This is the face of a heartbroken man who has just accepted that his love is unrequited. 

3. The many faces of Dean Winchester

On the other end of the scale, Dean was mostly silent after his poisonous words “And why does that something always seem to be you?”

Forgive the terrible gif quality I’ve no time for fancy gif work!

Look at his face here. He knows what he said was fucked up and he immediately regrets it. The way he swallows around that regret and then turns away.

and after Cas says that devastating final line and walks away? We get THIS reaction from him:

The jaw clench as he looks down. The sorrow on his face as he realises he has well and truly fucked this up. LOOK

Finally, he looks up, makes himself look up and watch Cas leave. If that isn’t the face of a broken man I dunno what to tell you. Anyone who thinks Dean is totally heartless and uncaring right now needs to reassess because this is NOT the face of someone uncaring. This is the face of someone who has just lost everything. Again. 

4. The FUCKING MUSIC

Seriously. The sweeping heavy drama of the low strings that come in right after Dean says that horrid line, that carry the weight of the look of horror and heartbreak on Cas’s face as they amplify the emotion there. As they blend seamlessly into the slow and subtle version of the Winchester family theme behind Cas’s heartbreaking speech and Dean’s stubborn stoic face hiding a multitude of emotion, until the violin dominates as Cas says “I think it’s time for me to move on” and the Winchester Theme swells to its climax, ripping all our hearts out just like poor Ketch as Dean watches Cas walk out of his life surrounded by darkness. 

I MEAN.

A friend on Twitter reminded us all of this point about the importance of this theme via @justanotheridijiton​ here which is essentially:

“The Winchester theme is not simply an aural marker to let the audience know when and how Sam and Dean love each other (any Supernatural fan knows that is the baseline of their relationship), but to provide narrative information, especially when the image and dialogue are incomplete or inconsistent with the true situation...  Seasoned fans will recognize the theme and its history of being paired with images indicating deep emotional bonding and a desire to do the right thing by the Winchester code. Here we trust our ears over our eyes to reveal the truth.”

So here is yet another key indicator that any surface read that this is actually an ending between Dean and Cas and that Dean really is just an angry asshole is utter bullshit. 

Honestly, this was PAINFUL, but it was painful in the best way. It was 13x01 levels of pain, but this time it was Cas choosing to walk away which makes all the difference. Dean’s greatest fear isn’t his loved ones dying on him after all, but of his loved ones choosing to leave him. This was exactly the kick up the ass Dean needs in order to win Cas back, classic love trope style. 

Hence my excitement at what is to come. Yes we won’t see Cas again until 15x06, but in the meantime I fully expect a good helping of angst and wallowing from a depressed Dean who has to deal with the fact that he has just lost the love of his life and it is all his fault. That he just pushed away the one person who promised they would always stay by his side. That has got to hurt. 

So yeah, this episode emotionally destroyed me, and I’ve only really covered the primary reason, let alone all my feels over SamWitch, Rowena’s death, Belphegor’s taunting of Cas over his deepest fears and then having to suffer through smiting a creature wearing the face of his son until his body was nothing but a burnt corpse... I wonder if Bobo had a bet going in the office over how much he could hurt us all? He was certainly enjoying scrolling through the Supernatural tag on Twitter and liking everyone’s reaction tweets including some brilliant Destiel related ones. I do love Bobo. Our Angst Goblin King. 

If anyone had asked me a few weeks ago what my thoughts were on the chances of getting explicit canon Destiel by series end, I would have said somewhere in the realms of 30-40%, considering it a battle of wills between DabbBerens and CW studio execs who I still feel are against it in general. I would have considered everything that happened after 13x06 as the writers getting a big NO on Destiel from the network and therefore having to pull back on any Destiel related plot points (purely my own speculation on BTS matters of course).

Now I am wondering if Dabb kept fighting the network? If he managed to wear them down into begrudging acceptance? I’m currently up to around an 80% chance of textual canon DeanCas if we continue on this path. If Dean is clearly shown to be mourning and hating himself over Cas next episode, and if this DeanCas dramatic plot line continues to be a focal point of the emotional story arcs... well...

I’m side eyeing 15x07 a lot right now. Only in my wildest dreams would I think that they might actually introduce an old boyfriend for Dean in a “coming out” episode, but the placement, timing, and potential is all there and I’m kind of once again donning the clown mask because I’m just in awe at everything that they are doing. I guess we’ll find out soon enough. In the meantime, I’m gonna paint my face in red and white and wear my rainbow wig and listen to break up songs on Spotify whilst trying to shove my heart back into my chest where Bobo Beren’s gleefully ripped it out with his hands like the demonic angst goblin he is. Wish me luck, I’m not sure I’m gonna get through this season with my emotions intact.

[ficsnroses]

Friends With Benefits Chapter 6 - Keanu Reeves x Reader

Chapter VI ~ Things Untouched.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4  Part 5

Word Count : 3.5k

Warnings : Smut, Contraception Talk, General Fluff, Angst. Some Swearing.

Series Summary :  What happens when two, lonely friends start seeing and confiding in each other for sex? A tricky friends with benefits love story, when feelings get in the way.

A/N : Alright. I’m not super proud of this chapter because I kinda wrote it really quick. I’m sorry If it feels like it moved a bit too fast. But I really wanted to finally get some angst in here, before y’all lose interest.  I’m going to try to update this fic every week from now on, so it won’t drag on too long! Enjoy 🖤 Feed back is so so so appreciated.

To the tedious sound of his menacing phone alarm clock, Keanu blinks his groggy eyes open, greeted by the dimly lit light of a somber, rainy morning. The rain hadn’t ceased to fall all night, although he couldn’t quite complain.

His slumber had been rather cozy, with Y/N tucked in secure beside him, limbs tangling all night long, her steady breaths lulling him serenely. Extending his arm, he slaps the alarm off, feeling Y/N shift. She’s got an arm wrapped around his waist as she’s curled into his side, he holds her enveloped, close as can be. She moans, half awoken, disturbed by the early morning commotion.

“Shhhh,” Keanu rubs her arms up and down as she tucks herself closer into his side, resting her head on his chest. “Sorry, baby. Forgot it was set to 6:00am.” He yawns, eyes fluttering shut again.

Baby. It had quite literally just…slipped off his tongue. Felt natural.

Drowsily, a heavy eyed Y/N tucks her head into the crook of Keanu’s neck, allowing him to rest his chin on top her head. He’s big, warm, and comfortable, a dire contrast to the empty bed that accompanies her each night.

She could get used to this…

The sleet downpour on the roof doesn’t subside, however, it adds to the ease. Neither of them feel rushed, or in a scurry to get dressed for the day. This was nice, whatever it was. There’s something so uniquely special, about holding someone close in the early hours of the renewed daybreak. An intimacy that they perhaps needed more, than just physical.

Y/N sighs, trying to position herself comfortably after the unexpected awakening, positioning her head in all different nooks and cranny’s on Keanu’s chest, even going as far as to drape a leg over his waist, desperately hoping her sleep would return. With her eyes clasped shut, she focuses on nothing but the heat of his body and the steady rhythm of his chest underneath her, and the scent that lingers ever so slightly, of his cigarette smoked the night prior, paired with something….spicy & wooded. The traces were much more apparent while she was this close.

The subtle details, the fragrance, the cordiality of his touch, the way his hands were rough, yet had a soothing finish to them, the way his coffee locks fell over his tucked eyes faintly. They were details she hadn’t noticed while they had sex, no matter how frequent it really was.

With a chuckle, Keanu’s hoarse morning voice speaks. “What are you doing, Y/N?”

She huffs, with a shaky breath. 

“I’m trying to get comfy again so I can fall back sleep. It’s a Sunday, Keanu. Why on earth was your alarm set on a Sunday?” she drowns out the last word, a hint of annoyance in her tone. Although she was just tired, she couldn’t actually be upset with him.

He brings a hand to run through his raven head, sighing. “I don’t know; I wake up at 6:00am everyday. Habit, I guess.”

With a yawn, Y/N rests her arm on his chest, her chin taking place on top, staring up at him. 

“Why do you do that to yourself?” she giggles, his warm, hazel gaze instantly putting a smile on her lips. She usually never saw Keanu this way, completely undone, first thing in the day. He seemed relaxed and tranquil, a different type of ease from when they were intimate. Something a bit more…actual. Genuine, unadulterated.

He brings his arms to wrap around her waist, as half of her body rests on his, half lays adjacent on the bed. 

“I guess…I don’t know. I’ve always been scared I’m missing out on something, like I should be doing something, need to be doing something.” He looks out the window at the rain cascading, globes of rainwater down the speckled window frames. “If I’m up early, there’s more time for me to fill that void, I guess. Or else I just feel like I’m wasting…something.”

That stung.

His words stung. Because Y/N, had felt the same.

She’d always felt there was something missing in her life as well, and the more she tried to search for it, the farther it got away from her. She kept herself occupied with routine tasks and daily schedules filled to the brim with much to do. But none of it was able to deplete the sense of incompleteness.

“Do you feel like you’re wasting away something, today?” she asked quietly, connecting her gaze with his whiskey orbs. He rubs a sooth up and down her back, sincerely.

“No, because I’m with you. I’m not alone right now.”

Pit,

Pat,

Pit,

Pat,

The rain fills a comfortable silence, and Y/N lays her head back on his chest, assuring him she was really there. Of course, they both knew how alone they felt, it’s was the sole reason their relationship was what it was. But they hadn’t known just how alike they really had been, just how yearning they’d been for the same thing.

Whatever that same thing was.

The rain falls outside as delicate poetry, each drop a letter, a sound, a beat, drawing out a beautiful symphony of its own. The smell of the wet earth outside saunters through the barely open window, reminding of all the serene it brings. Each treetop, each leaf, each surface coated, united by the colourless waves. It shows us how truly equal each exterior, each thing the rain touches is.

It reminds us of how fragile we really are. How beautifully fragile, we really are.

Keanu kneads soothingly at her hips, her waist, coaxing her into a state of complete calm and surrender. It was different, and something so matchlessly inviting, being able to sulk in the mere company of someone else, sharing intimate touches.

Y/N moves her gaze up to connect with his again, bringing a hand to cup his cheek, earning his attention. 

“I didn’t get to wish you a good morning yet.” She smiles, moving to straddle him, as the duvet falls from her frame.

Keanu smirks, knowing what she had in mind. “I haven’t either…”

She places her hands on his chest, claiming his lips against hers. Cupping her cheek, with one hand falling tangled in her hair, Keanu pushes her closer, engulfing her lips in a kiss just as searing. Slowly, cautiously, she slips her hand down to his member, gently palming him over the fabric of his boxers.

Truth be told, Y/N had come overwhelmed with the need of him in that moment. This morning, the tenderness, the closeness, the feelings of it all, she wanted him right then and there. He looked beautiful in the natural, morning light, as if kissed by a thousand suns, perfectly crafted. She breaks the kiss briefly, snaking her hand fully into his boxers now to give him a few gentle strokes.

“No foreplay, okay? I want you inside, now.” She demands, connecting their lips again in a fervent kiss.

Keanu only nods, letting out a shaky breath at the way her fingers work his length, preparing him. Reciprocating, he slides her panties aside, rubbing up and down the folded seams of her cunt, her wetness coating his fingers instantly. His touch is pure liberation, but not nearly enough. She needed all of him.

Reaching over to the bedside table, he pulls out a condom.

She bites her lip in anticipation, watching him tear the silver packing, guiding it onto himself in a swift stroke. His cock is inches away from her, she aches wanting it. He pats his upper thigh, urging her to move onto him. “Come, sweetheart.” He communicates, holding the base of his cock steady as she lifts herself up, lining up with his length.

Sinking onto him, they both sigh in relief, a soft moan escapes Y/N lips at the feel of him fully inside her, hitting her end perfectly. The pressure of her body reducing on him paired with his generous length, could be described as a bliss of its own. Her body practically melts against his, their movements becoming one. He effortlessly glides in and out, their releases sidling down, coating her thighs already.

“Fuck, honey.” He breaths, pumping up into her as he watches her eyes clasp shut. She bites her bottom lip as short, shallow, gaspy moans tune out of her lips. He sets the pace, slow and sensual as they get used to each other, the sound of her wet slickness bobbing his cock flooding the room.

She grabs his hands, moving them to her hips, urging him to guide her. Beautifully, her breasts fall up and down, bouncing so effortlessly round and plump, the embodiment of femininity, the look of her sends his mind hazing with not just lust for her, but something so beautifully surreal. He wanted her not just physically in that moment, the connection they were sharing emotionally, lacked nonetheless.

“Ke…oh, fuck.” She lets out a low moan, unable to open her eyes to the feel of complete paradise taking her. “Ke, deeper, please.” She begs. He watches her hands slide over her chest as she fondles her breasts. His thrusts become deeper, and erratic as he pours himself all in, so intoxicated in making her feel good.

“That better, baby?” He asks, sucking in a sharp breath at the way she’s already begun to clench around him. She only nods in response, resting her hands on either of his shoulders now, as he thrusts up faster, picking up the pace. Slamming into her, the sound of his balls slapping against her core beat fast to the drizzle of the rain on the roof, both drumming incoherently.

She lets out a particularly loud moan as he angles his thrusts up higher, deeper, allowing her arms to wrap around his neck, clinging to him as his pumps become urgent. His cock throbs between her, fully buried with each thrust deep inside. His lips part as his jaw tenses, watching her meet him halfway with her bounces on his cock as he thrusts up.

“You feel…” he moans, “So fucking good, sweetheart.” His words cease as he lets out a groan when you clench around him harder, almost milking his orgasm out of him.

Whimpering, she finally opens her eyes to see him, beautiful, with a thin glisten of sweat on his forehead, twitching under her. He looked remarkably delightful in the moment, pleasing her. Moving his hair out of his face, she kisses his forehead, indulging in the moment, and his entirety.

This morning had made her feel an urge to shower him with love, it left her craving to make him feel better, no matter what it took. He was a good man. He deserved it. He deserved a whole lot.

He lets out shallow, breathy moans watching her move on top of him, nearing his edge. The bed creaks, loud and clear under the weight of their combined thrusts, she knew she wouldn’t hold off much longer.

“Come for me, baby.” He shudders, hand dipping between her thighs as he rubs her swollen nub, hearing her sob in pleasure, so close to completion.

His deep voice, paired with the feel of his girthy cock, each vein, each curve slamming against her, deep and profound, becomes too much. She lets out a wail, whimpering a moan as he brings her to climax. Burying her face in his neck for support, she practically collapses a top him, as he continues to thrust diligently. Her breasts cover his face, although, he can’t complain.

With a final few rapid thrusts, Keanu comes to his end, shuddering, as he spills himself deep inside her, into the condom. He moans her name countless times, holding her close to his chest as he rides out his own high, thankful for her. She truly was a goddess in her own right.

Still buried inside her as she lays on his chest, they catch their breaths together, Keanu holding her close as he rubs circles on her back, collecting each other.

“You alright, Y/N?” His dolce voice asks, only earning a nod from her in response. She was quite literally, fucked speechless.

Moving off of him, Keanu falls flaccid out of her, his cock against his stomach. Discarding the condom into the trashcan beside the bed, he lays beside Y/N, as she curls herself back into his side, subsequent to pulling her panties back over her self.

He positions his arm under her head, as she tucks herself in to him again, resting a hand on his chest. “Fuck, that was good.” She smiles. “I could get used to waking up like that.”

Keanu shoots a warm smile back. “Me too, sweetheart.” They have a moment as they stare at each other, lost for a moment in each other’s gleaming orbs. Y/N swallows, before glancing down.

“I was actually thinking, Ke…” she taps his chest, holding her thought for a moment.

“Yeah?” he encourages, taking hold of her hand.

She bites her lip, before portraying. 

“I was thinking of getting on the pill. So we don’t have to use protection each time. It could, yenno. Feel better, for you.” She hesitates.

Keanu ponders for a moment. “Hey, you make me feel amazing regardless. It’s your body, your decision, sweetheart. I’m okay with using either method.” He speaks compassionately.

Y/N sits up slightly, leaning on her elbow. “It’s more effective as well, so there’s less chances of an accident happening. I’m thinking to talk to my doctor about it. I’ll have to take the pills daily on and off.” She explains.

“Whatever you please, Y/N. Infact, you didn’t even have to ask me.” He presses a kiss to her shoulder, before sitting up, placing his feet on the cold, wooden floor beneath them. “In the meantime, I’ll get breakfast started while you freshen up?” he proposes, collecting her shirt off the floor to give it to her.

She smiles, pulling the duvet to cover her bare chest. “Thank you.”

-

To the smell of freshly pressed espresso flooding the four walls, Y/N finds Keanu browsing her fridge, a look of muddle apparent on his features. She pads towards him, smiling. “Why do you look so confused?” she giggles.

“Why is your fridge practically empty?” He questions, closing it shut. “Do you not eat anything?”

She takes hold of the cup he’s brewed for her, sipping in the earthy notes with a content sigh. “Haven’t went shopping recently. It’s alright, lets just order in.” She sits herself at the island counter, watching him sip on his mug as well.

The clock strikes 7:30am, and the rain outside only gets harder by the hour, gliding down the windows.

Keanu positions himself across the counter from her, placing his mug down. “What’s with this storm? It’s like it’s never gonna end.” He sighs, eyes glancing out.

“I kinda like it.” Y/N replies, smiling his way. “Nice n cozy. Plus you’re here today, which makes it cozier.” She chuckles, realizing she probably sounded incredibly dorky. Keanu only smiles back – for a moment, he feels this is completely natural. This felt so right. Being in her company, spending time with her, expect it felt…different today. Something was different.

Keanu coughs slightly, clearing his throat. Waving a nervous hand through his locks, he speaks. “Actually, Y/N, there was something I wanted to ask you too.”

She takes another drag from her cup, ears perking up. “Yeah?”

Keanu sits himself down across her, looking at her intently. From the peripherals of his eye, he can still see the falling rain through the window, cascading. It had a calmative affect for sure, allowing him the confidence he needed in this moment.

“There’s this event coming up, at this sorta, art museum gala thing.” He gestures, waving his hands, as he normally does when he expresses himself.

Y/N chuckles. “Oo, interesting. Are you about to ask me what you should wear? I though you have a stylist, Ke.” She giggles, opening her phone to check any missed calls.

“I do, Jeanne. She’s great…” Keanu stalls, watching Y/N casually browse her phone. “Y/N, I actually wanted to ask, if you wanted to accompany me. To the event?” he proposes, leaning on the counter.

Y/N pauses, eyes shooting up. Had Keanu just asked her to make…a public appearance? With him?

“It doesn’t even have to be as my date, typa thing. Just two friends going to an event together.” He nervously reiterates. When Y/N doesn’t respond, he feels himself spill a ramble. “You know how much I don’t really like going out, I just thought if you were there it would be a bit easier to endure…”

When she still stares at him, astonished, he asks. “Y/N?”

He couldn’t be serious. What would even make such a thought cross his mind?

Y/N shakes her head, confused. “Keanu, you know that’s not a good idea.” She states. “The second the media sees a girl with you at a gala, they’re automatically going to assume there’s something going on between us.” She sighs.

Keanu lets out a huffy chuckle, running another hand through his hair. “But…Y/N, technically…isn’t there?” he clears. “I know we’re not, you know. Romantically linked, but we’re still something, right?”

Y/N’s brows furrow. What did he mean?

Clasping her hands together, she speaks. “Yeah, lets tell the world that we’re fuck buddies, huh? That’ll be a great headline. Keanu Reeves Brings His Late Night Booty Call to Gala. That’ll be awesome, right?” She huffs, suddenly getting defensive.

“Y/N, you know that’s not what I meant.” He sighs, disappointed she’d taken it the wrong way.

They had touched almost what seemed as the tip of an ice berg. Things were beginning to get laid out on the table in front of them, the first acknowledgment of the reality of their relationship. It was all meant to come out eventually, it was bound to in fact. Perhaps, after the rather beautiful morning they had woken up to, the timing wasn’t ideal.

Y/N stays calm. “Keanu, why do we need to do all this extra stuff in between? Why can’t we just quite literally be friends with benefits? Like all other people who have a friends with benefits? Why do you need me to come to galas with you, or go on restaurant dates, or motorcycle rides, or any of it?” She says a bit louder than intended. “Isn’t it enough that I let you fuck me whenever you please? Can we please not be something that we aren’t?” She complaints, huffing.

Keanu’s frown turns into disappointment, or perhaps a mixture of hurt, maybe the slightest pinch of anger. She was clearly blowing it out of proportion.

“Fuck you whenever I please? As far a I’m aware, Y/N, I’ve never forced myself on you, or done anything you didn’t want. Way to make me sound like a fucking pig there.” He raises his voice a little, but remains collected.

Y/N becomes slightly annoyed, raising off the chair now. “That’s not what I meant, okay?”

Keanu walks towards her, towering over. “I meant as just friends, Y/N. Really good friends. Which if I’m not mistaken, I thought we are.” They stare each other in the eyes. Keanu feels a sudden burst of confidence, reeling to get some thoughts off this chest. “While we’re on the topic actually, Y/N…what…what are…” he ceases mid sentence.

“Honestly, forget it. Forget I said anything.” He turns his gaze towards his coat, which has stayed draped over the couch all night. “Call me when you want to ‘fuck’. Because apparently that’s all we’re good for anyway.” He says under his breath, barely audible, trekking to the door.

Y/N throws her hands up in defeat, disappointed she may have completely ruined the morning. “Keanu, wait.”

He stops by the door, shrugging his coat on. “No, it’s alright, Y/N. I get it, you’re right. We are what we are. You’re completely valid for not wanting to be more.” His eyes have grown sad, although he fakes a smile. “I’ll see you later, then? Maybe next week.” He opens the door, letting himself out.

“Keanu, you don’t have to go.”

He nods his head in return. “No, I have some work to finish at the Arch office today. I’ll see you around.”

I’ll see you around.

They really had come full circle. Just a week prior, Y/N had told him she’d “See him around,” leaving him completely uneasy. And now, a week later, she had been placed on the receiving end of that sentence, realizing the complete feel of uneasiness it truly brought. She had fucked up a little. Visibly.

“Oh, alright. See you around.” She responds, holding the door frame with a glint of sadness in her eyes.

Once again, the words that need to be spoken, go untouched. They’ve been pierced at, nonetheless, but remain positively untouched.

She knew she wanted more with him. She really did. But this was the Keanu Reeves. A man who was notoriously known for being a lone wolf, for having trouble committing to long term relationships. He could have any woman he wanted.

He saw her as just a really good friend, and he was just incredibly kind by nature. He didn’t want what she might have wanted with him, and before he could channel that rejection onto her, she declined him any opportunity she got.

The mind works in some real troublesome ways.

He gives her a final smile, before walking down the hallway.

She had really fucked up the morning. & Perhaps, their relationship.

Maybe the pitter patter of the rain, 

had only been the start.

➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴

>>Chapter 7>>

I promise promise promise next chapter will be a lot better put together!

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[oneweekoneband]

Vacation

There’s a lot of clichés about artists burning out just as they come through with their brightest work, and in some people’s version of this story, that might be the frame for Vacation, BTMI!’s final album before breaking up. Personally, I’ve never bought into those monomyth-esque narratives about bands’ inherent career arcs, and so I’m not inclined to view the album this way. I will say that while I absolutely love it, I don’t think it’s necessarily the band’s best album. It’s also just not accurate to think that this was a point of “burning out” for BTMI!, since Jeff started writing for his solo career almost immediately following the band’s dissolution.

Still, Vacation does hew eerily close to a lot of these rock ‘n’ roll archetypes. It was a momentous album, it was probably the most publicized release the band had seen, it represented a new musical direction that seemed to present itself as the summary of Jeff’s experimentation with genre and songform over the rest of the band’s career, and the band very much did break up after its release (although, as with ASOB, it took a few years for that to become official).

About that publicization: while I’m somewhat sad that I missed out on most of BTMI!’s career (being, you know, too young to go to shows or even think much about punk for the first 5-ish years), I’m still glad I found them when I did, because the build-up to the release of Vacation was a really interesting time to be a fan. In 2010, almost a year before the release, the band began a roll-out of singles to get people excited about the new material, and it worked like a charm on me: the boisterous first single “Everybody That You Love” seemed like a sign of great things to come if its electrifying lead guitars and dizzying vocal hook were any indication. “Hurricane Waves” and “Can’t Complain” showed even more diversity to look forward to when the band released them in 2011 ahead of the album. In addition to that, Jeff launched a whole new label to sell Vacation (and much of the other stuff released through Quote Unquote) through, Really Records. Clearly, he was trying to communicate something about the step forward he wanted Vacation to represent.

And fans like me, despite knowing that “Side Projects Are Never Successful” and that Jeff was never in it for the fame, had reason to believe not only that this might have been the band’s big shot, but that they might actually make it big – or at least to become big enough to continue to exist as a full-time touring band that played music for a living. The Vacation singles were getting media coverage like no other previous BTMI! release had, and they marked a direction for the band’s music that, while retaining the punk integrity and musical ambition of the earlier albums, also proved more melodic, cleanly-produced, and accessible to a broader audience. While previous albums got recognition in the punk scene, Vacation looked like it had “crossover potential.” And when it finally arrived, there were even more positive signs: within half a year of the release, “Can’t Complain” made an appearance in “The Office.”

Of course, for all this to work, the album had to be good, and thankfully it was better than that – despite what might have sounded like my talking it down, it definitely represents a new high for the band. It’s Jeff’s own favourite BTMI! album, and I can see why: its complexity is something to be proud of. He had always been influenced by artists falling outside of the punk spectrum, but here those influences are more pronounced than ever, and the band finally breaks free of its ska-punk chains with a sound wholly its own. Brian Wilson-esque harmony arrangements and multi-part songs abound, and in a similar fashion to To Leave Or Die In Long Island, a couple motifs from individual songs (“Campaign For A Better Next Weekend” and “Sick, Later”) turn up in multiple places on the album for thematic cohesion. If SMiLE was Wilson’s “teenage symphony to God,” Vacation might be Jeff’s “adult symphony to punk rock.”

Many of my favourite songs off Vacation stand completely alone in the BTMI! catalogue, with little stylistic precedent. “Why Oh, Why Oh, Why (Oh Oh Oh Oh)” is a brash, thunderous fusion of Elvis Costello’s melodic sense and Bruce Springsteen’s maximalism, with a wealth of memorable melodies and lyrics that are all Jeff’s own. “Can’t Complain” is that rare song that manage to “rock quietly” – it’s both hushed and urgent in its muted acoustic chords and slide guitar lines, panicking at the pace of everyday life while simultaneously realizing how much there is to be thankful. And of course there’s the glorious, dynamic opener that slowly builds from a nostalgic piano riff accompanied by subtle, emotionally-charged chord changes into an explosive hardcore-punk charge, with vocals ranging from Jeff’s cleanest, quietest-ever singing to his more characteristic shouting to a group chant at the end.

But even when Vacation retreads familiar territory, it still feels like it’s moving forward. “The Shit That You Hate” stands in a long line of 3/4 5-6-minute slow-burn songs appearing on BTMI! albums, but it feels like a perfection of that particular type of song rather than a simple revisiting. Jeff’s weak, warbly falsetto note when he sings “Hold onto your hope” always gets me a little choked up. “Hurricane Waves” might recycle a melody from To Leave Or Die In Long Island during its bridge, but the rest of the song is all new, providing that melody with a fascinating recontextualization to great effect. The aforementioned “Sick, Later” has a zig-zagging riff in an unusual time signature combination that still manages to be incredibly hooky, as well as some of my favourite lyrics on the album:

The first time that I took you to the hospital,

I was tired and you wanted to die,

I drove off, and I couldn't understand at all

Fuck, I didn't even walk you inside,

I thought we all wanna die, we all wanna die,

And I thought that was fine, I thought that was fine.

One of the album’s most instantaneous joys comes from “Vocal Coach,” the shortest true song on the album. Jeff’s vocals were probably the most consistently difficult factor in terms of getting listeners outside of punk to take BTMI! seriously; they’re somewhere in between the traditionally-expected “bad” vocals of classic punk and the cleaner, more melodic style of singing dominant in pop-punk. Either way, they definitely don’t play to mainstream ears (perhaps this is why “Campaign For A Better Next Weekend” starts the way it does, and for that reason, Vacation might be the best place for a listener that’s not well-versed in punk to jump into the band’s discography). On “Vocal Coach,” Jeff takes on this problem with a healthy dose of irony, penning an ode to the imperfections he loves in music, the “dirty covers, dusty grooves and deep scratches.” But with a melody reminiscent of Pinkerton-era Weezer, he also expresses his own frustration with his inability to transcend the ugliness of his own singing: “I get embarrassed when my voice pops out and it’s not like in my head, / If I got a new vocal coach and I could hit the notes, you’d fall in love again.”

I understand that frustration – I’ve sung in more than one band, but before I even started playing in a band, I never thought I could be a singer because I thought I wasn’t good enough. But over time, I slowly realized that the reason I thought that was because I was comparing myself to singers who were already considered to be superhumanly-gifted, and that not every singer needs to be that way; there are thresholds of “good-enough,” and realizing where you fall in that can be a very freeing experience. I learned to sing by imitation Johnny Rotten and Billy Corgan, singers with definitively “bad” voices that nevertheless managed to communicate pretty much exactly what they wanted to in their songs. And Jeff Rosenstock was another big inspiration to me in that respect: he was a “bad” singer who nevertheless sang his songs defiantly, against popular tastes, because who else was going to do it for him? (Not to mention that as a “rock ‘n’ role model,” Jeff seems like a much better guy than Johnny or Billy.) But like Jeff, I know that there are times when singers wish we could do more with our voices than what seems to be within our natural ability, and we start wondering if it’s just a matter of putting in the right amount of work to “perfect” that voice. “Vocal Coach” brilliantly captures the nuances of this feeling in under two and a half minutes in an unforgettably catchy tune.

It couldn’t last, though. Even Jeff seemed to know it, as he sang on “Vocal Coach”: “ I'm aware that I'm kind of getting scared the love that I thought had no bounds is coming to an end.” Vacation proved that BTMI! could be made more accessible and reach a wider audience, but there were limits to that growth. Just what reasons lay behind those limits will always be a bit obscure, but after a while, it became clear that despite being their most successful album to date, Vacation wasn’t going to be a true “commercial breakthrough.” To be fair, I don’t even know if that’s what Jeff wanted. I haven’t been fully clear on why the band broke up, and strangely, Jeff even seemed a little vague on it in this interview, citing one member’s moving to Australia as part of it. It didn’t have much to do with a lack of commercial success (Jeff claims the band wasn’t even on as much of an upswing in popularity as fans had come to believe at the time), and I doubt he would have soldiered on with his solo career the way he did if it had. In fact, I suspect his solo career is probably more well-known by now than BTMI! was even at their peak.

In the end, I’m just happy the band go to do what they wanted to for as long as they did, and that BTMI! brought so much to my life and the lives of other fans like me. I’m also incredibly grateful I got to see them at least once, on their last tour before they broke up in what turned out to be my first real punk show. It was, in some ways, kind of a fluke: I was 16 and the band had planned some tour dates in Canada, including Ottawa, which was truly shocking, considering that almost no one big (outside of the Wu-Tang Clan – look that one up, it’s a strange story) comes to Ottawa. But it was even flukier than that, because it turned out that my parents had planned a road trip to Toronto for our family over the date BTMI! was playing! Of course, I checked the tour dates and sure enough, they were coming to Toronto too, so I got the tickets for that show instead and saw them for the first and last time at the loft above Sneaky Dee’s with my sister. It was an amazing experience, and I can’t think of a better way to have been introduced to live punk. I was caught off-guard by the mosh pit, but it was a friendly one, and I ended up spending most of the show in it. The band played almost every song I could have hoped for (“25”! “I Don’t Love You Anymore”! Every great song on Vacation!) and I ended the night a sweaty, dehydrated mess. As Jeff came down from the stage into the crowd after the show, I gave him a big hug and told him how awesome I thought it was. And while I hadn’t brought a blank t-shirt for the band to spray-paint their name on (a tradition from the early days they were still doing at that time), I bought one of their special “bilingual shirts” that I assume were made specially for the Canadian leg of the tour. I still have it:

[curioussubjects]

come be a season 12 truther, baby, with me

In honor of tonight’s Berens/Glynn episode (!!!!), I’d like to take y’all on a magical journey in which I share why I think Dean and Cas got together in season 12. 

Keep in mind that this post takes for granted that Dean and Cas are in love with each other and that their relationship has been increasingly coded as romantic with each passing season. Consequently, what this post does is point out some key moments in their relationship and argue why they don't get together before 12. I'll also go briefly over 13 and 14 for reasons I'll explain later in the post. First, though, let me go over seasons 4 through 11, with some pit stops along the way:

Seasons 4 & 5: this isn’t the destiel you are looking for. the ust is delicious, yes, and i, too, got sucked in posthaste immediately groped by an angel lj community style. At this point Cas is still too alien for anything beyond the development we see on screen happen. HOWEVER, season 5 is the first time we get to see Cas being human (The End) and Cas being less connected to heaven and how that affects his behavior. This will matter. 

Seasons 6 & 7: the pining omg the pining. The notable things I want to point out with these seasons is a. this is the beginning of Cas doing things to spare Dean and it not ending well (Cas dies #1, soulless!Sam); b. Dean is v. sad; and c. we also start noticing the emotional toll of Cas’s divided loyalties and how human he has actually become since s4. Hurty feels all around.  

Season 8: purgaytory babes aw yeah! Still lots of terrible awful pining. This is a turning point with the addition of the bunker as tfw hq: we have a home in play now, a static emotional center. Cas is still off doing his own thing, Dean still wishes Cas would just let him (+ Sam) help out. Cas going off on his own leads to disaster #2 (Angels fall, Cas loses his Grace). For all deliciously angsty get together purgatory fics and spec, there’s too much of a gap between Dean and Cas on Cas’s part due to his guilt over betraying the Winchesters in s6 & slaughtering angels & leviathan. On the other hand, we do see Dean being more emotionally open, but to no avail. Bad timing. This is a trend. [oop also worth noting we get Dean being kinda done with the one night stand thing because always with the adios and ahem also hint hint Cas refusing to stay put]

Seasons 9 & 10: aka Dean and Cas make bad decisions, but mostly Dean. The biggest turning point here is Cas being human for an extended period of time. There is still plenty of spec over the effects of being human on Cas’s Grace and his Soul. What we can say for sure, though, is that Cas is much more human once he becomes an angel again. In contrast to s8, s9 sees Cas being vulnerable and Dean pushing him away (first because of Gadreel, which he didn’t want to do really and that’s even sadder kdjfgksdfj & later because he was pushing everyone away due to the mark).  

9.06 Heaven Can’t Wait: there’s been so much amazing fic and spec about this episode with its fanfiction gap, but I can’t see a deancas get together here, folks. I know, it’s terrible. The lying from Dean and the hurt from Cas, imo, make the distance between them quite insurmountable at this point. While the episode is amazing (Bobo’s debut, too! So ♥) and has some notorious subtext throughout, I just can’t see the character bridging that gap into anything physical, much less emotional. Nevertheless, this episode does show perhaps the first intentional romantic tableaux with Dean and Cas, and that’s not nothing. 

10.16 Paint it Black: from the point Dean gets the mark of cain until the end of season 10, anything between him and Cas is quite impossible. But one of the reasons I’m bringing up this episode in particular is because of the confession scene. For one, it’s a rare bit of emotional honesty from Dean and for two, it tells me that while he and Cas may be well aware of the thing between them, it’s still uncharted waters. Makes sense, too, there’s been A LOT going on since s6.  Anyway, he’s the full confession, so we can put a pin on it:

You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it. [...]  Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time. [...]  Yeah, I’m just starting to think that… maybe there’s more to it all than I thought.

Do you ever see a character having an epiphany and find yourself wanting to cry because this is it right here. Dean is just blatantly admitting he wants more, which all culminates in season 11, so...

Season 11: The pining is still here, but it’s worse now since it’s the whole plot? It’s been *checks calendar* 5 years of this. How are any of us still kicking I don’t know. Your slow burns could never. Cool worth noting points: Cas says yes to Luci (bad decision #2.5, lots of mitigating effects_I don’t actually hold it against him that much but Dean is another story & not entirely rational at this point); for the first time since the early days, Dean and Cas are on equal grounds: they’ve both fucked up a lot and have hurt each other. The issues this season are outside their dynamic. Amara and Lucifer here serve as externalizing forces for Dean and Cas’s problems and by the end of the season we’re getting a clean slate. We’re also getting a new showrunner, so. No wonder. What this season does that is also super important is that it sets up the stage for the possibility of an actual relationship between Dean and Cas, something that has, up until this point, been pretty much impossible. 

11.04 Baby: Y’all know what I’m about to quote here, right? The convo between Dean and Sam about having something with someone who understands the life. Here we still have Dean reverting to the idea that it’s impossible, which is a direct contrast to the openness in 10.16. It’s understandable, though, considering there’s been little reason to think anything like that would be possible (see all the mess and poor timing from seasons past). The quote in question, though, marks a continuing development in on of the things Dean is struggling with this season:

DEAN: Piper? That's awesome. Heather. One-night wonders, man. Shoot, we're lucky we still get that at all.  SAM: Really? You don't . . . Ever want something more? DEAN: I'm sorry, have you met us? We're batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?

Compare this exchange with what we get from 11.11 and 11.19:

11.11 Into the Mystic: I’m bringing this episode as a crossreference to 10.16 and to show again that for all the closeness between Dean and Cas there’s still a marked distance they haven’t yet bridged. Thanks Mildred for the delicious exposition:

Darlin'...If there's one thing I've learned in all my years on the road, it's when somebody's pining for somebody else. [...]  Oh, don't try and hide it now. Follow your heart. Remember?

11.19 The Chitters: Continuing our trek regarding Dean wanting certain things we have this gift of an episode with Jesse and Cesar, and this exchange:

Dean: [with realization] Oh, so … [points back and forth to Jesse and Cesar] Cesar: Yeah. Dean: Okay, that’s… Cesar puts his beer bottle on the table and looks at Dean, while Jesse is being silent. Dean: What’s it like, settling down with a hunter? Cesar: Smelly, dirty. [turns to Jesse] Twice the worrying about getting ganked.

I’d like to point out, too that the fear of getting ganked is thematic when it comes to the tension between Dean and Cas. More on this when we hit s13. 

Alright, now having said that, let’s take a look at season 12. Bear in mind, this is the official start of Dabb’s era, even if he kinda began taking over in 11, and the change in vibes is obvious. In fact, 12 jumped out at me as a turning point in retrospect, after getting smacked by the domesticity of 13 and 14. Under the cut because I can’t shut up, and things are long enough as is. 

Season 12:  Finally, the promise land, y’all. So, what s11 was for Dean in terms of setting up the relationship stage, s12 was for Cas. In its initial beats, any way. Important to keep in mind that until the Kelly debacle, this was the longest Cas has been around the bunker. Things seem remarkably chill. Of course, we’ll notice that there’s still a lot of baggage hanging around because despite Dean and Cas being in a more stable place, they haven’t actually dealt with their interpersonal problems. I didn’t single out directly this episode, but do keep in mind Cas’s declaration in 12.09 First Blood as far as how much the Winchesters matter to Cas & how we also see Dean and Cas be particularly singled out with them seating together in the backseat of the Impala. 

12.10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: This episode, oh my god, the goodness. In the wake of 12.09 we have Dean and Cas in a tiff because Cas mistake #3 (killing Billie and “cosmic consequences”), this is a pattern. Twice the worry of getting ganked, etc etc. But where this episode really shines is through the contrast between Ishim’s obsession with Lily and Cas & Dean’s mutual affection for each other. Ishim sees no difference here and, to him, Cas’s feelings for Dean are a human weakness. Returning to my point about human!Cas, this episode underscores that Cas’s increasing humanity is what puts him in the place where he can want what Dean wants instead of either being too alien to get it (see s4 & 5) or unable to experience it properly (Ishim). 

12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You): Cas’s trajectory culminates here with the whole I love you (@ Dean), I love all of you (@ Winchesters). Let’s note too that Cas is dying here, in a way that is much more human than going up in light. This declaration of different types of love is entirely human. It’s also a definitive step wrt to Cas and Dean’s relationship because of what happens in 12.19. This. is. it.

Offscreen happenings: Mixtape, how Cas knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow. This is hella suspicious. 

12.19 The Future: This episode changes everything, y’all (bobo and meredith, folks, bobo and meredith ksjdhfakjshlfksd). Consider watching this episode again and pay attention to some weird things: 1. Dean’s reaction to Cas going awol. Compare it to Sam’s, who is like whoa Dean chill. Now, thought experiment, imagine something happened between Dean and Cas, and then just radio silence from Cas. Imagine how Dean would react with getting ghosted by Cas specifically after something happened between them.  2. Cas comes back to the bunker with the specific goal of stealing the Colt, which he already knew was under Dean’s pillow -- something Sam didn’t even know.  3. “He came into my room and he played me.” So, this quote right there, makes it seem like some seduction for personal gain, right? But Cas clearly knew where the Colt was already, which means something happened before  Cas came back to the bunker. Cas played Dean in seeming to have reconsidered not working with Sam and Dean wrt Kelly. This is still a point of drama, but it leads somewhere else (see s13 & s15). 4. WHEN DID DEAN GIVE CAS THAT MIXTAPE OMG 5. Dean and Cas’s brief convo in Dean’s room is clearly Dean just wanting Cas to stay, so they can work (and be) together -- because they’re better that way. Which, yeah, truth. 

Sequence of events: Cas tells Dean he loves him -- Dean is clearly shook by it -- Dean gives Cas a mixtape (romantic gesture, often a declaration of feelings; in true Dean speak too lolsobs) -- Cas somehow knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow -- ???? -- Cas goes awol -- Dean acts like he got ghosted by his partner.

Like. Y’all realize they probably had some emotionally constipated getting together moment, right? Something that Dean clearly initially thought meant things were gonna change, now. Something that Cas couldn’t allow to happen until he could give Dean a win. Y’all are seeing this, yeah? I’m not saying they slept together and were full of feelings, except that’s kind of what I’m saying. But ymmv, there are other possibilities beyond sex. The full of feelings isn’t up for debate, though, even if the whole thing is informed by ridiculous amounts of miscommunication. 

Ok, maybe the narrative is still too subtle (?????), but as I said before, looking at 12 with the knowledge of 13 and 14 does offer a new perspective because of the difference in dynamic between Dean and Cas. I know lots of people look at 14, mainly, as having dialed back on the destiel side of things, but I always thought that was a strange take. Largely because they’re so domestic and their dynamic, ie, the lack of tension, reads like an established relationship. It’s a different kind of beast than we have been used to so far, so it does look alien on screen, especially since we “skipped” the conventional getting together cue that would let us change gears. Let’s take a look at 13 and 14, then.

Season 13: Ah, yes, the season of shit gets domestic. The pining? Gone? What? Deancas now reading like an established couple? It’s more likely than you think.

13.1-13.5: Dean’s grief mini-arc. Dude’s acting like a widower. We all know this. I want to gesture towards the reunion moment though with “it’s never too late to start all over again.” To. Start. All. Over. Again. I’m just saying. 

13.6 Tombstone: hi this episode is pure love and Dean is so happy his sweetheart is back from the dead? He’s even ok being Jack’s third dad now? What a time to be alive. Also? apparently Dean and Cas were just having movie night together? Dates? Mutual Pining dates prior to shit going to hell in 12? Do you ever cry? What else are they getting up to offscreen? What else will they get up to off screen? MUCH TO THINK ABOUT. 

Season 14: MORE DOMESTICITY. With some pining because Michael. But...heart eyes when Dean comes back? Watch that scene again with Dean going off to shower. Suspicious. But then shit hits the fan and we’re all sad again. boo. 

14.15 Peace of Mind: Look me in the eye and tell me Dean and Cas talking in the kitchen about Jack doesn’t read like husbands talking about their child. Look me in the eye and tell me Cas just texting Dean to gossip about Sam isn’t coupley asf. 

14.18-14.20: Ah, yes, the divorce arc. Awful. Terrible. The culmination of Dean’s problem in all this: he lashes out, he pushes Cas away, his anger is alienating. Cue all of us suffering. But while Dean is clearly in the wrong in how the deals with his feelings, let’s not pretend some of his anger doesn’t come from a long established issue between him and Cas, which had its last traumatic turn when Cas died in s12. Dean isn’t being rational here; he saw Cas doing something on his own, and he saw that his mother is dead. What else could happen? Why won’t Cas just trust they can work as a team? Divorce arc was entirely too literal. 

But what about what we’re building up in 15? That seems like it could be a getting together plot, too, right? Well, yeah. It could very well be. But I’d argue the tension we’re seeing isn’t a will they or won’t they because they already have. The tension is instead will they or won’t they use their words to talk about the baggage that has kept them from truly being confident about their relationship. There’s a crucial step in their togetherness that they’re still missing, which is also the bedrock of the divorce arc that spanned TWELVE FRIGGIN’ EPISODES. Y’all. Y’all that’s half a season. And we’re not even entirely done with it yet because Dean was cut short in purgatory, and they haven’t dealt with Cas’s side of blame in this mess yet either -- that Cas keeps going off on his own and getting hurt (and getting other people hurt), and Dean has to deal with the fallout. The deep emotional understanding, the truly being on the same page is what we’re on the edge of our seats for. And, you know, that’s a whole lot more exciting than witnessing their for realsies first kiss. I’m also confident Dabb & co will deliver the conclusion to this emotional arc and it will be a whole mess of feelings on all our parts. 

For the moment, though, it’s looking a lot like Dean and Cas had a rocky start to their ~involvement, then DEATH, then they got together feat. sweet sweet domestic fluff, then DIVORCE. So, yeah. Season 12, guys; it’s where it’s at. 

As for the more performative aspect of Dean and Cas’s relationship…that’s a whole other thing and all I can say is they got the green light for something, but I don’t know what it is and it’s driving me bananas, but it’s definitely something and we can talk about that, too. Place your bets, etc.  I’m clowning on the “I love you” pay off because it’s a glaring missing piece in this whole story. See also: holding hands? Carving Cas’s initials on the table? Saileen endgame parallels? All supported by the narrative. Like a lot. So. *finger guns*

[secret-diary-of-an-fa]

The End of Year Awards Are Back... and This Time, It’s Personal!

And so we approach the end of 2020, the year that never really began. On paper, at least, it looked incredibly promising. There were lots of great movies slated to come out; culture seemed slightly less paucity-riddled and pointless than usual; good things were in the air. Then COVID happened, and basically fucked everything. Actually, that’s not quite true: my personal year has been fucking spectacular. I’m in a long-term relationship with a gorgeous woman for the first time in forever- no more abrupt trysts and stolen moments for yer humble narrator: I’ve got a sumptuously plus-size lady-friend who actually wants to spend substantial amounts of time me (and has knockers you could sled down, were you so inclined). I also started a Youtube channel where I upload performances of magic tricks I’ve designed and a few people seem to quite like it. Oh, and I’ve written four novels, with a fifth well on its way to completion. Unfortunately, that’s my life, not the life of our civilisation and culture as a whole. The fact that bugger all happened in that makes this end-of-year round-up a little hard to write. With that in mind, I’m going to hand out the gongs for 2020, but I’m also going to do my usual dodge of giving end-of-year awards to things that I discovered in 2020, even if they came out the year, decade or century before. It’s not like any right-minded person gives a hoot about my opinion anyway. Right then, everyone clear on the rules? Then let’s roll up our sleeves and plunge elbow deep into the fetid trough of our decaying society to ferret out the best and worst of the Things That Humans Have Done Recently.

The ‘I Like It Because It Confused Thick People’ Award for Best High-Concept Sci-Fi Movie... … Goes to the sterling Tenet, a spy film that used entropy inversion and symmetric, opposite-direction timelines within the same physical space the way most spy films use hacking and guns. Christopher Nolan films are always intricately constructed and meticulously-executed, but this one must have had Japanese Master Puzzle-Box Makers crying into their breakfast cereal. Is breakfast cereal a thing in Japan? I honestly I have no idea. For some reason, all I can imagine is a sort of dry kedgeree where all the ingredients that aren’t rice have been removed. But I digress. For all its intricacy, Tenet is actually really easy to follow once you’ve grasped the basic premise that there’s a machine that lets people move backwards through time, and that this makes them appear to move in reverse to the rest of the world while they perceive the rest of the world as moving in reverse. Nolan maintains a mastery of cinematic visual language that makes even the most abstruse concept easy to wrap your head around. Nonetheless, following Tenet’s release, dumb people took to the Internet on mass to complain that the film was confusing and stupid, never once realising that their inability to conceptualise time in non-linear ways was their own failing, not Nolan’s. I find that refreshing. It’s nice to see a sci-fi film that’s actually made for smart-cookie sci-fi fans and doesn’t give a hoot if it alienate thickos.

The Award for Most Inexplicably Compelling Web Comic… … Goes to Questionable Content. I originally started reading Questionable Content because I’d heard that the female lead and love interest was a plus size lassie and that shit’s my jam. However, the art style makes everyone look like a skinny indie-type, regardless of their actual, in-universe size, so it doesn’t do much to titillate my Fat Admiring Titillation Centres. And yet, I’m over five hundred ‘episodes’ in and still reading. The thing is, I couldn’t tell you why for the life of me. Maybe it’s the hope that the art style will evolve to the point where the people look like actual human beings with different body types (but then, why would I care unless I was invested for some other reason). Maybe it’s the fact that when I get one of the many, many obscure band or pop culture references, I feel a little buzz of kinship with the writer. Maybe it’s the fact that it takes place in a universe where robots and superheroes are things that regularly happen, yet most of the strips are just normal people chatting shit in a coffee shop and the slice-of-life narrative/sci-fi setting appeals to my sense of juxtaposition. I don’t know, but I find it really compelling to the extent that I’ve pissed away entire days reading it. I have a horrible feeling that it’s a short step from this to really angsty hentai. If I start singing the praises of that, somebody please shoot me in the crotch.

The ‘Forest Gump Debating Peter Andre’ Award For Most Sustained or Elongated Instance of Stupidity… … Goes to Donald Trump. I was tempted just to award this gong to his entire presidency, but that wasn’t just stupid: it was also venal, corrupt, horrifying and punctuated by terrible moments of low cunning. So, instead, this award goes to his ‘soup’ rant. For those of you who missed it, the former President of the United States spent a really, really long time (in the run-up to the election) wittering on about protestors throwing cans of soup at police. What was dumb and weird about it was that he appeared to be extolling the virtues of soup as a siege weapon, going into really specific detail about how it was better than a brick because it could be thrown with more force, finishing with the utterance that protestors would just argue that “this is just soup for my family” if they were caught with the cans… which is phrased wrong in such a subtle and inhuman way it’s hard to imagine that anyone actually ever said it, at least in those words. I have no idea if protestors in America were throwing soup cans at police (which would be entirely justified considering how many innocent people American police have murdered in cold blood quite recently) or if this was a fantasy dreamed up by the former president in the cloudcuckooland that is his diseased little brain. Either way, the connected rant was balls deep in dumb.

The Most Disturbing Unintentional Impression of Vincent Price Award… … Goes to the narrator from One Step Beyond, a Twilight Zone-esque anthology of weirdness that purports to be based on true events and has to be seen to be believed. The stories are oft-disturbing instances of spooky-inflected human drama and can occasionally be quite disconcerting… until they’re book-ended by a dude who sounds like Vincent Price reading a children’s book in a really earnest voice. It’s weird and no, it didn’t hit our screens in Space Year 2020, it dates back to Ye Olden Times of the 1950s or 60s, when men were men, women were women and technincolour was a distant dream that could get you strung up for witchcraft. Nonetheless, I only encountered it this year, so it’s getting its prize. I warned you I was going to pull this shit, but you foolish fools didn’t listen.

The ‘It’s Not Gay If I Don’t Clench’ Award for Cognitive Dissonance… … Goes to Amazon Prime, the content-making branch of evil, tax-dodging, anti-monopoly-law-breaking megalith Amazon. You see, while Big Daddy Amazon is off being incredibly sinister and worrying, like a shifty vampire hanging off the economy’s throat, the creative people at Amazon Prime are busy making or acquiring some of the flat-out best TV ever committed to a streaming-service, from the extra-weird slice of fun-pie that is The Tick, to the entertainingly horrifying cultural dissection of The Boys to the utterly unique Carnival Row, to the superbly adapted American Gods. It’s a bit like discovering that Geoffrey Dahlmer single-handedly created a body of artistic work to rival Vincent Van Gogh’s when he wasn’t pouring acid onto the brains of emotionally vulnerable young adults. It gives me a headache.

The Clint Eastwood Award for Most Effective Older Gentlemen… … Goes to Joe Biden, for unseating dipshit in chief Donald Trump with the casual badassery of a Wild West gunslinger shooting a baddy (probably played by Leonardo Di Caprio) in the balls. I mean, he’s not the best Prez America could ask for but a) as a Brit I don’t have to care and b) anyone who ousts Trump gets mad props from me.

The ‘It’s a Pity Everything Else is Shit Now’ Award for Best New Ongoing Series… … Goes to my own Youtube series, Victor The Magician, in which I claim to be a reality-hopping, interdimensional wizard on an endless quest to… perform magic, basically. I’ll admit that the quality is super-variable (Youtube algorithms and their constant demand for fresh content be a harsh mistress, etc., etc.). However, when I’m good, I’m really good. If you’re looking for a punch-line other than the fact that this whole bit is a self-promoting plug, it’s this: my Youtube series really was the best thing to come out this year. Not because I’m great or anything, just by default. A promising year really did turn into a cultural wasteland the moment COVIDius Rex reared its scaly head.

The Zombie Ian Curtis Award for Most Crushing Disappointment… … Goes to Rick and Morty Series 4. As I think I’ve said before, it was still good, but it just didn’t reach the dizzy heights of nihilistic lunacy achieved in series 1-3. I think the problem is that the audience is meant to learn something from Rick’s poor choices, even if he doesn’t, because the creators saw the amazing success of Bojack Horseman and decided they wanted a slice of that sweet, tangy deconstructionist pie. It worked up to a point in the climax of Series 3, but having made their point, the showrunners probably should have moved onto a different point. They forgot that the appeal of Rick Sanchez is his combination of ‘entertaining car-crash of a human being’ and ‘unstoppable superbeing’. Push him through an arc and you risk breaking the thing that makes him and the show so endlessly watchable. Rick, unlike Bojack, just wasn’t built for heavy introspection. Also, the team hired on new writers who were less than familiar with the characters, setting and subtext, and that’s always an invitation to disaster.

The Special Sir Mixalot Award for Posteriority… ...Goes to… my girlfriend and glamorous assistant, Mystic Miss Terri, who’s arse is gorgeous and majestic.

The ‘Are They STILL Making That?’ Award for a Show You Forgot Existed And is Now Back… … Goes to Supernatural, which never technically went away and whose final series is apparently being broadcast on one of the 4 channels (though who knows which one, any more), It’s kind of nice to realise it’s still out there and be reminded that there are still people who care deeply about what happens to it. It’s like when you remember ‘oh yeah, [insert cute animal here] actually exists and isn’t just an internet meme. That’s nice’. Also, it’s good to see Jared Padelacki working steadily. It can’t be easy to find acting gigs when most producers just want to shoot you and mount your antlers over a fireplace.

The Irritating Magician Award for Something That Just Won’t Fuck Off… ...Goes to this blog entry, which is three pages long in Word. Good grief. Bye y’all! See you next year, assuming that the last few days of 2020 don’t culminate in a civilisation-destroying attack by giant space-ants. If that seems worryingly specific, let’s just say that- as Leonard Cohen would say “I’ve seen the future and, brother, it is murder”… by giant space-ants.

[redfoxwritesstuff]

Coffee and a Wedding (chapter 5)

Look, it’s the posting day where I don’t hurt everyone. A bit of news before we get to that, however. I just hit 400 followers and I adore you all. I can’t believe 400 of you want to follow me but know I am always thankful. 

~~~~~<3

Chapter 5

It was warm and the bed was so comfortable. Warmth surrounded me and it felt like I was sleeping on a cloud. I could stay this way forever. I wanted to stay this way forever. There was soft snoring behind me. It was a constant reminder that I wasn’t alone. As soon as the day started, I’d had to put on the face and pretend like I didn’t mean everything I said.

Right now, it was safe. Clint was asleep next to me and the bed was warm and comfortable. A sigh slipped from between my lips as I rolled over to face my sleeping bed mate.  

Light brown hair that could almost be called a dark dirty blonde was a mess, sticking up every which way. Lips parted and stubble was heavy on his face. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and feel the scratch of it but instead, I only watched.  

As I watched, he shifted and scratched at his stomach through the blankets. He mumbled something, I couldn’t make it out and that was probably for the better anyway. I watched in subtle fascination as he tossed his arm up over his head only to have his hand smack hard against the ornate headboard.  

He grumbled again as he yanked his hand down. I needed to get up. It wouldn’t do to get caught watching him sleep like some sort of creeper. One sigh, than another and I rolled over, completely intent on getting up and starting the day.  

Clint however, though he was still snoring, seemed to have a different idea. With a grunt and another scratch, he rolled over. I tried to slip out of the bed but as I scooted, his leg reached around and hooked over my hip. I froze, hoping that he would- honestly, I don’t know what I was hoping for.  

His foot wiggled as he pushed it down, slipping his toes between my thighs. His arm joined the party, draping over me and slipping around my side. More mumbled words slipped from him as he tightened his grip and in the process, pulled me flush against him.

What was that sound?  

That was the sound of my heart stopping. We were tangled in blankets but I could feel every bit of him. I could feel the muscle in his arms flex as he tried to pull me even closer. I could feel his chest expand with each breath. I could feel his puffs of breath in my hair.

I could also feel his… oh my god, kill me now. Good morning, Clint Barton. Someone’s standing at attention first thing in the morning. At least I knew his… parts all appeared to work as well as I had hoped and daydreamed. I could feel so much of him. He was sizable and firm and throbbing. If I closed my eyes I could pretend that-

Oh my god. What the ever loving fuck was I thinking? He’s my boss. We’re not actually dating. He doesn’t like me like that. I shouldn’t be thinking about his-

Clint rolled his hips against me, a soft groan falling from his lips.  

Nope. Nope. I needed to get out of this bed right now. With a deep breath, I lifted his arm off of me. It took effort to wiggle my upper body out from under him while he, in his sleep, kept trying to capture me in his arms again.  

I thought I had more room. It’s a king sized bed for god’s sake! So, needless to say, it surprised me when I finally got out of reach of his arms I slipped off the edge of the bed. Head first, of course and I landed with a thump on my shoulder.  

“What happened?!” Clint was up in a instant. He was on his hands and knees, looking over the side of the bed at my crumpled form. For a moment I considered crawling under the bed and hiding because, really? Now he wakes up?!

“I fell.” What the hell else could I say? He had eyes. He could see me in a crumpled heap on the floor.  

“Get up here.” He reached down and offered me a hand. I spent  a few extra moments admiring how the soft light from the cream curtains in the window played over his muscles and framed his upper body before taking hold of his hand. “Off the floor with you.”

Again with the strength I kept marveling at, he pulled me up off the floor and onto the bed with him. It was a fascinating show, being able to watch how each muscle twitched and moved. The momentum of the pull brought me up far faster than I would have liked. I was too distracted watching him and trying to keep my drool within my mouth to pay attention to getting my feet under me.

Rather than standing when Clint pulled me up, I followed the momentum forward and right into my almost naked boss. I had to repeat that to myself, over and over again as my hand hit his firm chest and we fell back together in a heap. A laugh slipped out of him as his arm wrapped around my waist. He caught me and held me close for reasons I couldn’t even begin to understand.  

And then, that hand slipped from my back. It was as if he realized that though we shared a bed last night, it wasn’t for any reason that mattered. Still, the way his hand dropped- it stung. He was probably reminding himself that I’m only his employee just like I was reminding myself he was only my boss.  

It still hurt though. I scrambled to get off of him without touching him. My leg brushed against a hardness in his boxers as I climbed off of him and it was so damn hard to pretend like I didn’t notice. He had to have felt it. Hell, he had to know I felt it.  

But we’re adults here, right? So we could address this and move on, like adults, right? It didn’t have to make things weird while we’re on this trip. It didn’t have to make things weird after this trip. I could act normal, even though I’ve felt my boss’ cock through his boxers, right?

Clint shifted in the bed, sitting up and clearing his throat. The sound of it drew my eyes back to him and inevitably toward the tent around his crotch. The slit in the fabric was straining and when he shifted…  

Yep, it was time to get up. I needed to get up and get dressed. Without a single word, I scrambled to the edge of the bed and launched myself to the dresser. Without care, I grabbed a handful of clothes and locked myself into the bathroom.  

With the door shut behind me, I leaned against it and closed my eyes. A moan wanted to slip from my throat. The sight of him had burned into my mind. I could still see it oh so clearly. I could see the head of his cock through the fabric. I could see the shape, the ridge of the head imprinted where he strained against the thin fabric. Through the slit in his boxers I could see the color, violently pink. He was engorged and begging for attention that I would love to give it if only we were not playing pretend.  

“He is my boss.” It was a whispered prayer as I started the shower.  

“You okay?” The voice of my personal demon came through the door.  

“Fine.”

“Did… Did I do something wrong?” There was a thump and it sounded a lot like Clint leaned against the door. “Look, if I did, I’m sorry. But if I don’t know about it, I can’t make it better. I can’t change it. If it’s from sharing the bed- I can sleep on the couch next time.”

“No!” Well way to play it cool. “I just- I really had to pee and figured I’d take a quick shower is all. I’m good. You’re good. We’re good. Right?”  

“I know it’s a bit weird.” He didn’t sound all that reassured. I’d never heard him sound quite like this. It was like a wall I didn’t know he had up had fallen down sometime in the middle of the night. “You’re the best employee I have. I’m not sure if I’ve ever told you that, but you are. I know I can be a handful sometimes but I just… You had talked yourself into a corner and I wanted to help you out. I never thought about… If you even wanted my help. If you want me to go at any point, I will.”

This was beyond weird. It would save me untold amounts of embarrassment, having him leave. I could even blame Matt, say he offended Clint so much he felt the need to leave. I had an out. Clint had an out. But he was leaving the choice up to me. But it didn’t sound like he wanted to leave. It sounded like there was so much more meaning to his words and for the life of me, I couldn’t understand what that meaning was.  

Truth be told, I didn’t want him to leave. After telling him so, I took a shower. A long shower, as hot as I could stand it. I tried to burn away the impure thoughts and when that didn’t work, my hand snaked down between my legs. Whimpering moans slipped from my lips as I brought myself to a sweet orgasm with thoughts of Clint, naked and between my legs.  

Clint let out a low whistle when I finally emerged from the bathroom. When he motioned for me to do a spin, I indulged him. It was impossible to resist the urge to sway my hips as I spun.  

“Looking good.” The complement was slow and drawn out. “I expected you to look good since you took so long I had to go use the lobby bathroom to pee but still damn impressive.”

“Sorry!” After spending what I could admit was something resembling a year in the shower I couldn't be displeased with his reaction. I had taken my time doing my hair and makeup. I did feel a bit guilty about holding the bathroom hostage for so long enough that he had to resort to going to the lobby to use theirs. “Why didn’t you ask?”

“Figured you had something you were working through. It- I know you were going through something this morning and we don’t have to talk about it. I hope its not something you’ll hold against me. Going to the lobby for my morning piss so you can have the time you need to work through whatever and to come out looking this damn good- worth it.”  

“You should have knocked.” It was worth trying to convince him otherwise even if in truth, I did need that time. It helped me get my head on straight after seeing way more of my handsome ass boss than I was mentally or emotionally prepared for. Someday, he would find a girlfriend, a real girlfriend and he would fall in love with her. She would be damn lucky to have a man who would rather go to the lobby to pee than disturb her while she was doing her hair or makeup.

“And interfere with you getting ready- never!” With a roll of my eyes, I turned my back on Clint and his dramatic hand to his chest. “So, what’s the plan today?”  

“I’ve got the bachelorette party tonight.” Things felt almost normal as I made my way to the small dining table with a breakfast spread out. “Did you get us breakfast?”

Looks like a long shower, doing my makeup and hair did nothing to spruce up my brain. Way to step up and state the obvious.

“Yeah, figured after all that primping, you would be hungry.” It was hard not to look into his eyes as he sat down across from me. His foot brushed against my shin as he crossed his legs under the table and I tried to ignore it. “Excited for the party?”

“No, not really.” I admitted. “I’ve never been to one before and I’m sure it’s not like the movies.”

“Probably.” Clint shrugged as he shoveled some eggs into his mouth. “But it could be. I've been to some that were like the movies, some that were not. Bachelor parties, not bachelorette.”

“One could hope. At least the party would be entertaining.”  

“Don’t cheat on me with a male stripper, okay?”

“I promise not to cheat on my fake boss boyfriend.” I almost choked on my potatoes laughing.  

“Real boss, fake boyfriend!” Clint covered a waffle with too much syrup and refilled his coffee.  

“Your coffee is better than this.” I don’t know what possessed me to say it but it wasn’t a lie.  

“Careful.” Clint eyed me over his mug. “Talk like that and I could fall in love with you.”  

~~~~~<3

“Talk like that and I could fall in love with you.” His words ran through my mind on repeat as I glared at my second drink. This party wasn’t much of a party at all. Matt Matthews was a man from a large family of women, it turned out. And that family was likewise from a large amount of money.

They made up a large portion of the party and leaned toward a classier type of event. I sat here, sipping on a red wine that likely costs about as much as I make in a week. I had a paint brush in one hand while my thoughts were running wild. They tended to dart between that thing Clint had said- completely in jest, I’m sure- and how Sarah was not the type to call a ‘sip n’ paint’ class a ‘party’.

Soft voices whispered as the instructor described methods of blending colors for sunsets. Globs of paint moved across canvases and every so often there was a sniffle or cough. It was nice enough, I guess.

It took everything I had to not go for the third glass of wine as the class came to an end. I was already getting looks from the snobbier members of our party for finishing my second glass.

“That’s oddly dark, for a sunset.” Marci, Matt’s sister commented while standing next to me. The room was open and she didn't have to stand so close while looking disapprovingly at my painting. “You should have used more yellows and oranges.”

I shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter.”

“Why did you use so much purple, anyway?” Sarah asked. I assumed she was trying to come to my rescue but it was hard to be sure anymore.  

“Clint likes purple.” The words were out before I could stop them. Damn wine.  

“Ahh, so this is for your boyfriend.” Sarah teased, a warm smile on her face.  

“Matt told me about him. Said he’s your Sugar Daddy or something?”

“Excuse me?” Sarah and I gaped at her, our voices mingling into one in indigence.  

“Matt- he was telling us that you were seeing your boss for job security or his money or something?” Her voice was hesitant, as if she was suddenly unsure of the facts. “Matt said you had an arrangement with him?”

“Nope.” The word felt like ice as I forced it out. In no way ever did I expect that I was going to have to defend my fake relationship with my boss like this. “Clint would never- I would never agree to that. I’m with Clint because I love him. He’s with me because he loves me. I don’t get special treatment at work. I don’t get extra pay. I don’t get anything but Clint from the deal.”

“Oh- I’m sorry. Please excuse me, I misunderstood.” Marci retreated with her painting, leaving me fuming with Sarah at my side.  

“I’m so sorry. I’ll talk to Matt- I’m sure she just misunderstood what he said...”  

“Right.” The word is brittle in my mouth. “Why a ‘Sip n’ paint’ for the party? Really? It isn’t like you, it’s not what you talked about having as a kid and teen? I thought you wanted a real party?”

“Matt and I agreed that since his family was going to be a part of our parties that we would keep things classy. Limited drinks, classy activities.”

“No strippers.” I offered, cracking a smile regardless of how Marci’s words still stung.

“No strippers.” Sarah agreed. “For either of our parties. It was Matt’s idea and I think it’s a great way to start a marriage, not ogling to bodies of others.”  

~~~~~<3

“Welcome home babe!” Clint called as soon as I opened the door and it made my heart so warm. If only it wasn’t an act performed on the off chance I wasn’t alone.  

“It’s only me.”

“Welcome home just the same.” Clint stood from the desk where his laptop was set up and offered me a warm smile. It wasn’t fair that he was only my boss. “How was the party?” After a beat he added, “Is that a painting?”

“Yep.” I let the p pop, tossing the painting onto the couch. “The party was a ‘sip n’ paint’ party and the music was classical. The wine was expensive. Hope you had more fun than I did.”

“Matt called.” I grunted and Clint laughed. Should I even tell him about what Matt was saying about us? Did it matter? “Invited me to his bachelor party tomorrow night.”  

“Don’t get excited. They’re having classy events. No strippers, only light drinking. If you’re lucky you won’t have to paint.”

“Aww, I was looking forward to painting a night sky to match yours!” Clint picked the painting up and leaned it against the wall on top of the desk. “So I can see it while I work.”  

“Why? It’s shit.” Okay, I was more than a little bitter about how the night had gone. I had all these ideas of what the party should have been like and every single one of them had shattered. It wasn’t fair.

“I like it, though.” Pride was radiating off him and I rolled my eyes. “What’s wrong? Talk to me.”

I flopped onto my back on the bed with a huff. “I guess I’m just disappointed.”

Clint flopped next to me and I tried to ignore how his fingers brushed mine. “So, let’s go out. Your hair is still all done, your makeup is still flawless and you’re as beautiful as you were when you left for the party. Let’s go out to the club and have our own party.”

~~~~~<3

Taglist: @winterisakiller, @theheartofpenelope, @bradfordbantams, @ruebx, @hufflepuff25, @0-0-0-0-0-0-0-7, @theoneanna, @alexakeyloveloki, @toozmanykids, @j-u-s-t-4, @missaphrodite23, @bambamwolf87, @nonsensicalobsessions, @tinchentitri, @xoxabs88xox, @queenoftheunderdark, @tnystrk-exe

[jbuffyangel]

Bigger Than The Friggin Universe: Arrow 7x22 Review (You Have Saved This City)

This one was hard to write. 

Goodbyes are always difficult, but when it’s goodbye to someone or something you love it’s particularly hard. I love Felicity Smoak. I love Olicity. I know you do as well. They are the reason we watch. Arrow delivered a spectacular season finale that felt like a series finale and it will be for some of you. 

Most importantly, they paid tribute to the character and love story that changed the show forever. Buckle up my friends and bring the tissues. This will be a long one. Felicity Smoak and Emily Bett Rickards deserve no less.

Let’s dig in…

Olicity, Original Team Arrow, Flash Forwards, and the Glorious Felicity Smoak

Changing up the format because this is going be a big smorgasbord of feels. I can’t think in sections because the writers just dropped kicked my heart into oblivion.

It’s all about the last twenty minutes right? Right. So let’s get to it. Honestly, I revved myself up for this episode. I was ready to go.

As if pure commitment to power through could protect me from the painful onslaught of emotions Stephen Amell and Emily Bett Rickards were about to bestow upon my soul. 

I was a fool. Nothing could prepare me for the last twenty minutes.

But then “You Have Saved This City” started moving fast. Like really fast. I blinked and we had blown through 35 minutes. I barely knew what happened! Oliver saved the city... I guess? 

It’s amusing we focused on this single goal for so long and once achieved it felt kind of... perfunctory. 

Saving the Star City was a plot point we were just waiting for the writers to pull the friggin trigger on and we knew they never would until the end. 

Arrow is a lot of things, but there’s never a lack of action in the series finale. It’s often incredibly frustrating because hugely important Olicity scenes are regulated to less than five minutes because ACTION.

“You Have Saved This City” was different. It felt like the writers were rushing through the episode to get to the Olicity scenes. They breezed past Oliver beating Emiko and The Ninth Circle. Those ungrateful twats known as the Star City Police Department and their equally annoying cohorts the citizens of Star City finally figured out Oliver is a good guy. The scene they pieced it all together though took less than three minutes. 

The writers wanted to focus on the emotional beats of the story because this was really their last chance to do so. Go big or go home. Fine with me.

It was great, but I started to panic. REALLY PANIC. The episode was moving waaaaaay too fast. This meant I had to say goodbye soon to a character I adore and a love story I have spent obscene amounts of time writing about. I wasn’t ready, but I was never going to be.

Oliver and Felicity tell the team they are going to leave Star City for a little while. The fact the city is safe and under the team’s protection is the reason they feel like they can leave. 

Source:  littlegirlinvisible

True, but also some nutcase from the Ninth Circle named Beatrice is still gunning for them. Who the fuck is Beatrice? Eh. Forget it. I don’t care.

The team ends the way it began with Oliver, Felicity and Diggle.  

Source: @plotbunnyshipper

Even though Original Team Arrow doesn’t get the focus and screen time we crave, they are and will always be the show. The chemistry between Stephen Amell, Emily Bett Rickards, and David Ramsey was discovered as Season 1 evolved. 

Arrow struggled to find its footing in the first season and it took many episodes for the writers to hit their groove with OTA, but ultimately they found the right path. 

Source: Paige

Original Team Arrow is the gravity which kept the show centered. Diggle talks about the legacy of heroes Oliver launched, but in truth it is the legacy THEY launched.

Source: Paige 

This is the moment I started to lose it because it didn’t feel like Diggle, Oliver and Felicity talking. It felt like David, Stephen and Emily. The lines between real and fiction began to blur as these actors said goodbye to Emily/Felicity and to the team they formed both on and off the camera. 

Source: Paige 

Stephen is wrecked. He giving it his all to hold it together and failing miserably. You aren’t the one leaving man! You still have another ten episodes to do with David! Honestly, though is anyone surprised? No. Stephen is the fuzzy marshmallow of this group. Don’t let the abs fool you. He is powerless against the power of Felicity Smoak and Emily Bett Rickards.

Oliver/Stephen, Diggle/David, Emily/Felicity also say goodbye the way they began. Original Team Arrow officially formed in Season 1 Episode 14 “The Odyssey.” Oliver Queen’s story, particularly in Season 1, was shaped from Homer’s Odyssey and this is the not remotely subtle nod. Moira shoots “The Hood” and Oliver turns to Felicity for help. She brings him home to The Foundry, to Diggle, and they work desperately to save Oliver’s life.

Felicity is overwhelmed by the blood and is deeply concerned she and John are Oliver’s only option for medical assistance. Diggle has seen a lot of war and trauma. He’s trained for this. Well mostly. There’s a moment when he reaches out to grab Felicity’s hand to reassure her. John’s other hand is keeping pressure on Oliver’s wound flat against his chest and close to the heart. I’ve often called Original Team Arrow the heartbeat of the show and this is the moment their perfect circuit formed.

Source: arrowdaily

David Ramsey honors that iconic moment by reaching for Emily’s hand across Stephen’s shoulders and placing his other hand on Stephen’s chest, right against his heart. This is the bond that brought the show together and held it together for the last seven years. Original Team Arrow is front and center in the home and legacy they built. Losing Emily and Felicity’s character means saying goodbye to the entity this trio formed through their wit, love, chemistry and loyalty. Stephen and Emily pretty much lost it then and there and I was right there with them.

I wrote this way back in Season 3:

Each member and relationship is a beat of this heart. Diggle is a beat. Oliver is a beat. Felicity is a beat. Their relationships with one another: Diggle and Oliver, Oliver and Felicity, Felicity and Diggle, and of course the trio, are beats as well. When we remove one of these characters or relationships the rhythm of the show is changed.

It’s unfathomable to imagine the show without all three and yet this is where we’re headed. All I know for certain is next season Arrow’s heartbeat will be irregular. It will be an echo.

Source: arrowdaily 

Felicity/Emily tries to comfort Oliver/Stephen by holding his arm tight and gently nuzzling his shoulder. 

Source: arrowdaily

(Because it’s bad y’all. Number One on the call sheet is going down by the head! MAYDAY MAY DAY!)  Felicity has an entire relationship with Oliver’s shoulder. 

This is incredibly well documented. Whenever she grabs on to his arm and kisses his shoulder it feels like she’s an anchor trying to hold a ship steady. Oliver is home and Felicity will sail with him anywhere. And he will sail steady with her by his side. It always reminds me of a line from Message in a Bottle, “A harbor where I am forever home.”

Source: arrowdaily

Felicity and Diggle disperse and Oliver is left alone in the bunker 

Source: arrowdaily 

just like he began, but worlds away from the person he used to be.  

He came back from Lian Yu broken and completely shut down emotionally, but it was through the unconditional love of these two people that Oliver’s soul was saved and he found his way truly home. The city is finally at peace because Oliver is at peace. Their journeys were always one in the same.

Source: arrowdaily 

I’ve always said Oliver Queen is like the sun Star City revolves around. His light ultimately saved the city. 

But now Oliver is leaving, and unbeknownst to him, it will be for 20 years. Star City will fall again in that time. When Oliver leaves he takes the light with him. The bunker going dark is an ominous foreshadow for the future.

Source: arrowdaily 

Diggle brings Mr. and Mrs. Smoak to the love cabin where they will bring their child into this world. 

Source: legends-of-today

The Ninth Circle is still gunning for them. We receive no other explanation other than Emiko made sure Oliver’s family will die. Oooookay then. Hiding it is! The truly bizarre piece of Season 7 is we knew exactly where Olicity was headed for a long time, but seeing it all play out is no less painful… or wonderful.

John brings them to the safest neighborhood in the world – it’s filled with ex CIA, ex ARGUS and ex. Listen, this ain’t nothin’. I grew up next door to a cop. It was fantastic. 

The Olicity love nest is one big safe house hand chosen by the man who loves and ships them the best. Oliver keeps insisting it’s only temporary despite the Ivy Town like bliss and complete military protection surrounding them. Ugh, my sweet summer child. The more you say “temporary” the more it becomes anything but. Can someone please explain the rules of television to my son? Thanks.

Source: Paige 

Oliver lets it slip they are having a baby girl and Felicity follows up with the name. Olicity bursting with excitement to tell John Diggle about The Princess That Was Promised is so on brand. He practically willed this kid into existence and no one understands that better than Oliver and Felicity. Diggle is appropriately jazzed. Representing the fandom to the bitter end!

But can we talk about this gender reveal though? This means at some point during all the crazy Oliver and Felicity had an ultrasound AND THEY DIDN’T SHOW US.

I accepted no triplets. I think I’m handling it pretty damn well don’t you think? But I draw the line at missing the ultrasound. We had time to listen Dinah bitch about her job 34,234 times this season, but there was no time to show the ultrasound???!!!! 

My head canon is Oliver was late and had to show up to the appointment in the Green Arrow suit.

This also means Felicity is around the 18 – 20 week mark. I don’t know if this actually tracks because I don’t want to do math. I am simply accepting it as fact. I might be dating myself though. It’s been 12 years since I popped out a kid and maybe you can find out gender sooner than 20 weeks. 

Source: Paige 

Felicity isn’t showing too much yet, but every woman is different. That’s probably just lunch. Also have you seen her abs? ANYWAYS IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE THEY ARE HAVING A GIRL, HER NAME IS MIA AND JOHN DIGGLE KNOWS.

The city is saved so John tells these two crazy kids to focus on their family. Can I just say no one has actually qualified why the city is suddenly saved other than for the team declaring it so, but whatever they are giving me an Olicity love cabin. 

I am perfectly content with it because it’s what Oliver and Felicity deserve. Star City can go screw themselves.

We get our Delicity moment. It feels like Marc, Beth and the writers came up with an “Emily Bett Rickards Is Leaving the Show” To Do list to make sure I didn’t riot outside their houses. This was a wise plan. I commend them for it.

The truth is we never get enough Delicity. It’s one of Arrow’s great failings. Hell, we can summarize the whole problem as not enough John Diggle. The ONLY positive I see out of Season 8 is maybe this man will finally get a storyline, but I’m getting ahead of myself. 

Source: Paige 

Anywho, Felicity is preggo, emotional and hiding away with her husband in a love cabin for at least the next four months, so she gushes to John about how much she loves him and how he will always be family. Then Delicity gets their hug on. 

Source: Paige 

STAHP. I JUST REGAINED COMPOSER.

Oliver and Diggle’s brotherhood and friendship has always been more of a focus than John’s relationship with Felicity, but that doesn’t mean he is any less her brother too. He has protected Felicity and offered her wise Yoda advice particularly when it came to Oliver and she needed it most. 

And Felicity has given John the same love and friendship in return. Diggle and Felicity are their own precious beat in this show.

The hardest part of Season 7 was seeing the strain in their friendship. Diggle refusing to help Felicity free Oliver still enrages me and I don’t think the writers gave the characters an adequate amount of screen time to repair that damage. But it doesn’t erase the last seven years between these two. Families disagree, fight and disappoint each other all the time. It doesn’t mean you stop being family. John had Felicity’s back in the end and if she can forgive him then so can I.

This cracked me up. 

Source: Paige 

These dudes still have ten more episodes together. Nobody is getting teary yet.

Olicity is finally alone after John leaves and Oliver is looking at his wife like a snack.

Damn. This blows @callistawolf​’s holiday in Aruba, and my personal head canon, to smithereens. However, we rebound nicely because Oliver Queen aka The Sex God has exactly one thing on his mind. Never change your priorities dude because they are on point.

Source: olicitygifs 

I remember in the early days of Arrow when sex scenes made me want to claw my eyes out because he slept with every female other than Felicity the first two seasons. 

But then the glorious Season 3 happened, we met Celibate Oliver and then THIS HAPPENED:

Oliver channeling all his sexual energy into one woman the last four years is character evolution I am here for. I’m also here for pregnant belated honeymoon sex. HAVE AT IT KIDS. 

Oh man! I don’t get to watch? Arrow continually stomping on my voyeuristic needs is really not cool. What the hell do they think television is for anyways?

They fade out from the kiss and I swear to God I yelled, “DO A MONTAGE!” and y’all THEY DID. Most of the time when I yell things at this show I am ignored, but every once in awhile they do the thing I ask. 

I had very few expectations going into 7x22. I write the occasional fic, but I’m really bad at coming up with things I want Olicity to do (other than sex) or words to say. The best moments on the show for me and the lines I love the most are the ones I can’t come up with. I didn’t have any expectations for a montage and it was everything I could have hoped for and more.

It felt like a truncated Ivy Town only better. 

Oliver and Felicity’s time in Ivy Town was idyllic because they left the insanity of Star City behind and lost themselves in each other. But there were cracks in the relationship even then. Their time in Bloomfield is much different. Oliver and Felicity have been through the good and the bad in their relationship. They’ve seen the worst and the best in each other. They found a way to be heroes and build a family together. Oliver and Felicity choose each other.

If their choice is the tree then this montage is the fruit it bears. My father said in his toast on my wedding day that a marriage is built in the quiet and simple moments. These are Oliver and Felicity’s quiet and simple moments. 

Source:  olicitygifs

They share a peaceful night enjoying being in each other’s company, rocking in chairs on the porch, under the stars, discussing anything and everything.

They take a stroll in the backyard with sweet baby Mia. 

Oliver lifts his baby girl high in the sky and is the picture of perfect happiness. 

Source:  olicitygifs 

This is the life Oliver never thought he’d have. It was the quiet dream he kept to himself alone in that bunker, night after night, resigned to his fate.

Arrow is a story about a man learning how to live again and this is Oliver Queen truly living. 

Source:  olicitygifs 

He falls asleep peacefully with his daughter safely tucked in his arms, happily cooing as he slumbers. (This is a factual representation of parenthood btw). 

When Oliver returned from Lian Yu his home was a stranger to him and the horrors of the five years away followed him into his dreams. Sleep was as evasive as peace.

Bloomfield isn’t the city Oliver grew up in and the Queen mansion dwarfs this cabin, but it doesn’t matter because Felicity is home. She is the reason Oliver faced his nightmares, forgave himself, and stopped merely surviving while he waited for death. Felicity Smoak gave Oliver a reason to live. She pushed her way through all the darkness, so his light could shine through. And their love created more reasons to live.

Source:  olicitygifs 

Oliver returned from Lian Yu to fight a war not just in the city, but within him.  He fought, clawed, bled and sacrificed his way to heroism while losing nearly everyone he ever loved along the way. Oliver has no superpowers. He became a weapon by sheer force of will.  Lian Yu burned everything he was to the ground and from the ashes he rose. Oliver’s pain molded him into someone else… something else.

But being a vigilante wasn’t enough. Two separate personas weren’t enough. Cutting himself off from his humanity wasn’t enough. Oliver needed to be more… so much more. He had to merge the darkness and the light, the man and mask. Sometimes the only way out is through. Oliver fought his battles and won not just by surviving, but by embracing life. And life to Oliver Queen is Felicity Smoak.

Oliver’s catalytic moment is his father’s death, but he was so short sighted about what his father was asking of him. 

This was always about more than Oliver righting Robert’s wrongs. This was always about more than a list or villains or even the city. Before he took his own life to save his son, Robert asked Oliver to be a better man. But the person Robert imagined wasn’t the Green Arrow. The man Robert imagined was this:

Source:  olicitygifs 

This man doesn’t happen without Felicity Smoak. Oliver saved the city, built a legacy, and became everything his father asked of him because of her. Felicity’s love gave Oliver the courage to open up his heart again after everything he suffered. Her compassion helped Oliver forgive himself. Her belief made Oliver believe he could someone he never imagined.

Sometimes even superheroes need to be saved. Felicity is Oliver’s hero. She saw the best in him. She harnessed his light.  Felicity was his path from purgatory to peace.  Love was the way through. And now he’s here. Oliver Queen is every bit the man Robert asked him to be and every bit the man Felicity Smoak deserves.

The road was long, painful, filled with loss and mistakes, but the man I glimpsed when he smiled at beautiful computer tech is here. 

I couldn’t connect with Oliver until he met Felicity Smoak. When he smiled I remember thinking, “Oh there you are Oliver.” And this is the man I saw in that smile. This is who he was meant to become. We’ve waited seven long years, but Oliver Queen is finally home. The dream foreshadowed all those years ago came true.

Source: feilcityqueen

And he’s about to be torn from it again. Even though I know this separation is coming nothing can prepare me for the pain. That said, Arrow isn’t known for their subtle and before they rip my heart out the writers give us hope. The montage began with Oliver and Felicity sitting on the porch with two candles flickering between them 

Source:  olicitygifs 

and it ends with two candles as Oliver and Felicity prepare to sit down to dinner.

Source: Paige 

Twin Flames.

We can have more than one soul mate, but we can only have one twin flame. A twin flame is one soul in two bodies. We are fated to meet this person and when it happens it is like coming home. There’s a ying and yang balance and even though twin flames seem like opposites they are really the same deep down.

Twin flames come in and out of each other’s lives and the relationship can often be tumultuous. However, separation is an illusion because their shared soul will keep them linked forever.  Twin flame energy inevitably leads to reunion and the souls will join together in perfect unconditional love.

SOUND FAMILIAR?!!!!

This isn’t the first time two candles have been used to represent twin flames. Oliver and Felicity declared their love and slept together for the first time just before being separated forever. 

We know Olicity is about to be torn apart again and for a much longer period of time. However, the flicker of the twin flames is light in the dark. It is hope in despair. Oliver and Felicity are one soul in two bodies. There is no separation for any length of time or distance which will ever distinguish their love. Their reunion is inevitable. They are meant to be together. It’s fate.

But first they have to separate. 

Oliver hears a noise, grabs a knife and brandishes it against The Monitor’s throat in a stellar parallel to Mia doing the same to Felicity in “Star City 2040.” 

Source: ebett

The Monitor doesn’t have to say a word. Oliver knows immediately why he’s there. It’s heartbreaking because he thought he had more time.

I think Oliver saw the newspaper heading of The Flash’s disappearance at some point and figured he had at least until 2024. Due to some shenanigans on The Flash which I won’t get into other than IT’S ALL BARRY’S FAULT (well his daughter too, but mostly Barry), “Crisis” is happening sooner. 

It’s bad enough Oliver is sacrificing his happiness to save Barry and Kara, but now that speeding disaster zone of a human being stole an additional five years from him. Five precious years.

Oliver didn’t know the exact terms of the bargain he made with The Monitor at the time, but he’s informed he has to go save the multiverse. Or whatever. Yes, Felicity knew about the deal. He told her. That’s not something I even worried about while watching.

Source: Paige 

The Monitor also tells Oliver he’s going to die while trying to stop the inevitable. Nice. This guy is a real charmer.  The least he could have done is offer another bottle of wine before he obliterates Oliver and Felicity’s entire life.

Now, before anyone freaks, the rules of television explicitly state that when the writers say a character is going to die they are NOT going to die. The more this show talks about Oliver dying the better you should feel. IT AIN’T HAPPENING FAM.

Felicity ain’t having any of this. 

Source: Paige 

She protectively steps in front of her husband and tells The Monitor to go screw himself. THATTA GIRL BABY GIVE HIM HELL! Felicity giving zero fucks about saving Barry, Kara or the universe is such a big mood.

The Monitor assures Felicity he’s not going to harm either her or their daughter. MIA IS TOO IMPORTANT. Hahaha raise that neon spin off sign a little higher executive producers. Mars can’t see it yet.

Source: Paige 

It’s cool and all that The Monitor isn’t going to kill Felicity and Mia (thanks?) but it doesn’t really solve her Oliver problem. Felicity doesn’t give a crap about the spin off because she won’t be in it. The spin off can go screw itself just like Barry, Kara and the universe. NOBODY IS TAKING HER HUSBAND. 

Source: Paige 

He’s Felicity’s twin-flame-superhero-sex-god-father-of-her-children-chef-extraordinaire. Do you know how hard it is to find a man who cooks like Oliver who also looks like Oliver? I guarantee there isn’t another man like him in the multiverse. This poor man’s version of Thanos can fuck off.

Oliver, because he’s superhero Jesus now, gently tries to convince Felicity to back off. 

Source: Paige 

Hahaha, that’s cute. It’s never gonna happen big boy. Your woman is fierce. Remember when she slipped you a Mickey post coital to smuggle you out of Nanda Parbat? I do. It was awesome.  Speaking of, thirsty Oliver?

Source: blakelivey 

OMG YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO MUCH TRUTH!!!!

B*rry causes 99.9999999% of the problems in the DC Universe and suffers about 0. 0000001% of the consequences. In fact, Oliver suffers more from things B*rry does than B*rry ever has. A little death would be good for the kid. Consider it a growing experience. The world will be just FINE. Better even because we won’t have B*rry All*n jerking the timeline around. Diggle might get to keep all the kids he and Lyla have. The Flush deserves every bit of this comeuppance Oliver Queen. STAND ASIDE AND LET IT HAPPEN.

What about Kara?

She’s a lovely person, but I don’t watch her show anymore and my kid likes Hermione better now anyway. I am completely comfortable hanging her out to dry as long as Olicity gets to live their life in peace and happiness- even if it’s for a short period of time.

What about the universe?

Eh. Let the world hang Oliver. It’s cool man.  I’m about 51% sure I’ll go to heaven. Purgatory is for sure, so let’s roll the dice. Go sit down on the porch with your wife, raise your baby for the few months left, and we’ll all go out together in a blaze of glory. If you are taking requests because the world is ending then I would appreciate one more sex scene. Thanks buddy.

Source: blakelivey 

Honestly, the little headshake Oliver does when Felicity asks why it always has to be him says it all. Oliver has no answer for why the world is constantly screwing him over. So he slept with someone’s sister. Yeah, I know that was bad, but the man watched his father blow his brains out, was tortured multiple times, has been nearly killed every day for the last ten years, watched countless people he loves die, suffered a romantic horror show with L*urel, and put up with the Newbies & their bullshit for the last three years. Oliver has suffered enough.

Unfortunately, the Monitor tells Oliver he can save not only the lives of millions, but Felicity, William and Mia’s lives too. Damn it. Of course, he’s gonna go now. Even if he was comfortable letting the world go up in smoke (which I know he’s not) Oliver is not about to let his wife and children die.

Ruelle is playing and Oliver is walking into Mia’s nursery. Shiiiiiiiit.  This is going to rip out my heart. WHY CAN’T I EVER GET OBSESSED WITH A COMEDY?

I don't want to know Who we are without each other It's just too hard I don't want to leave here without you I don't want to lose part of me

Oliver is already crying, which means I am already crying. DID YOU HEAR THAT LYRIC? I think the only thing worse than Ruelle would be Sarah McLachlan at this point. These writers watched Buffy and it shows.

Source: olivergifs

Oliver looks into the crib at his perfect baby girl who is kicking, gurgling and not sleeping (factual representation of babies). He whispers “hey” the same way he’d whisper it to her mother whenever she was scared. 

This voice was how Oliver reassured Felicity. 

For so long it was the way he would tell Felicity he loved her without saying the actual words. Oliver whispers “hey” to tell Mia she’s safe. It’s his “I love you.” He can’t say the words or he’ll never leave. Oliver whispers “hey” because he can’t say goodbye.

Felicity is understandably disillusioned with being able to have a normal life. How can they if a caped alien agathokakological being is going to snatch their happiness away at a moment’s notice? This is a fair and accurate statement given the current state of events.

But what’s normal? It’s a relative term. Nobody is really normal. Sure, on the surface people look like they are living normal, everyday existences and to some extent that is true. But everyone has something they are dealing with. The something I deal with might be on a very different scale than the something you deal with, but nobody escapes this life without suffering. Nobody. And suffering always  obliterates our normal, everyday existence.

Oliver and Felicity want to sit on the porch, drink a glass of wine and be home to put their babies to bed every night. That’s a completely reasonable desire. It should be achievable even though their night gig is masked vigilantes. For a very long time it was achievable.

And yet it’s not because they are masked vigilantes. The needs of the many will always outweigh the needs of the few. This life Oliver and Felicity have chosen comes with a lot of benefits. They have found their true purpose. They help people. Oliver and Felicity even saved a damn city full of ungrateful twats.

But no choice is free of consequence. Life as a hero requires sacrifice.  Heroes put the needs of others before themselves. It’s what makes them heroes. You don’t hear me volunteering to save the universe do you? Hell no. Let it burn man! Make your peace with God everyone! I’m ready to go! I am not Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak.  

Bloomfield was never the permanent plan. Oliver and Felicity always planned to go back to Star City and the bunker to fight another day. Felicity continued her life as Overwatch as she raised Mia. Oliver and Felicity are their best selves as Green Arrow and Overwatch, but it comes with significant downsides like danger anger, pain, loss and sacrifice. Their selflessness is what makes them heroes, but it costs them the very happiness they desire and deserve. Heroism is a bitch.

Of course, Oliver and Felicity have suffered enough. Of course, they deserve a happily ever after without any additional pain. Of course, they deserve to raise their family together for the next twenty years. But that’s not really the story Arrow is telling.

I mean… name one horrible thing that happened to Oliver that he truly deserved? He cheated on his girlfriend with her sister. So he deserved to watch his father commit suicide? Oliver was a drunken, whoring, layabout in his twenties. So he deserved to spend five years in hell tortured, beaten, fighting for survival and separated from everyone he loves? A lunatic forces him to pick between Sara and Shado and as punishment for that choice another lunatic murders his mother and lays waste to his city? Uh sure that’s balanced. These punishments don’t fit the crime. There’s nothing about Oliver’s story that is fair. It was never about fair.

Oliver Queen is an imperfect person. He tries and fails so many times, again and again. He is the perfect example of the disaster zone human beings can be while also representing the best of who we can be. He’s a murderer and a hero. Oliver is a sinner and a saint. He is light and dark like all of us.

But what I love most about him is his resiliency. He keeps fighting no matter what life throws at him. As does Felicity.  The truth is my friends; suffering is rarely “deserved.” There seldom seems to be a balance in the cosmic scale. I’ve witnessed terrible things happen to extremely good people. The fact they are good did not serve as a protective bubble from pain, although I naively at times thought it would.

If we’re all just doomed to suffer then what’s the point of being good? Why do bad things happen to good people? I believe we have to ask the right questions first and it’s never why. If the Lord Jesus Christ came down from heaven and explained to me in detail why the twins I miscarried had to be with him and not here on Earth with me, I’d still believe his decision was crap. There is no explanation God can give me which will make me understand why I had to lose two precious children. They belong here with me. Full stop. The Lord and I will just have to agree to disagree.

Why seldom leads to any answers. The question we should ask in the face of suffering is how. How do we survive this? How do I mold my body around this pain, become someone different, but not lose my soul in the process? More often than not suffering’s intent is to bring us to our knees. We aren’t supposed to be Pollyanna, although all the power to those who can. I believe we suffer so we understand we cannot survive alone. We need love. We need to reach out and for others to reach back. We need God. That’s how we survive.

I suppose that’s why I love hero stories. They are heightened and exaggerated reflections of suffering and survival. 

We watch these characters rise above loss, pain and darkness again and again. 

Not only do they survive, 

but they become a defining example of what selflessness, sacrifice 

and compassion look like.  

It doesn’t take a psychology major to understand why a girl, who has been in and out of hospitals her whole life, loves a character who has super strength, never gets sick and slays vampires. But Buffy’s story was not without pain. It was more often than not a story about pain.

I wish I could love selfish characters. I wish I could love stories where the biggest problem is solved in twenty minutes or less. I wish I could love relationships that are smooth sailing from start to finish and live happily ever after. I wish I could love stories like that, but I can’t. 

Those stories don’t resonate with me the way stories like Oliver and Felicity Smoak do because they aren’t a reflection of life. Pain and loss are as much a part of it as joy. I want to escape from life inside a story, but I also want it to give me hope. If these characters can survive their pain then maybe I can to. But that’s just me.

All I have wanted for Oliver and Felicity is for them to be happy, but that’s a fairly broad spectrum. I truly didn’t expect the suffering to stop until the final moments of this show and we aren’t there yet. Just look back on the ebb and flow of their relationship:

Oliver tells Felicity he loves her for the first time, but she’s kidnapped by Slade as a result of the confession. 

Oliver and Felicity go out on a date and the restaurant explodes.

They have sex for the first time and are separated forever (seemingly).

Oliver and Felicity get engaged and she is shot.

They get married after nearly being killed by Nazis.

Oliver is betrayed by his team 10 minutes after their wedding reception.

William is part of their lives, but his mother is dead and he’s kidnapped on a regular basis.

Felicity is pregnant, but Oliver’s psycho sister is trying to kill them with her wacko cult.

It’s a constant carrot, stick, carrot, stick, carrot, stick process. This is Arrow and it always will be. Oliver has finally saved the city. He’s more than earned a happy life with Felicity, their daughter and son. And now he has to sacrifice it all. This is the last thing Oliver and Felicity deserve, but this is why they are heroes. This wheel will keep turning until the final minutes of the show and only then it will stop. And we aren’t at the end yet.  

All Oliver has ever wanted is to keep the people he loves safe. It’s why he wore the mask to begin with. The idea of leaving Felicity alone with their infant daughter, knowing the Ninth Circle is out there and a hundred other dangers known and unknown to them, is crushing to Oliver. Their separation while Oliver was in Slabside did serve as a trial for what was to come. They had to discover who they were without each other. Oliver didn’t lose himself in the darkness once separated from Felicity. And she did whatever was necessary to keep her and William safe.

Source: feilcityqueen 

This is why Oliver is asking Felicity to make him this promise. There is nothing more precious to him than their children. The only way he can fight for the world is because he knows Felicity will fight for William and Mia every day. She will keep them safe. Oliver questioned the decisions Felicity made while he was in prison, but now he has her back completely. He knows she is strong enough to keep this promise. 

The promise is for Felicity too. If the worst happens and Oliver dies then their children, and the promise she made him, will give Felicity the strength to keep going… to keep fighting… to keep living.

Felicity makes Oliver a promise too. 

Source: @olicitygifs​ 

There is no amount of time or distance which will ever separate her love for him. They are one soul in two bodies. 

In the movie of The Count of Monte Cristo, Edmund is unable to buy his love Mercedes an engagement ring, so she wraps a string around her finger and promises to never take it off. When they come face to face again twenty years later, and even though she is married to the man who sent him to prison, the string is still on her finger. Felicity is making the same declaration. No matter where Oliver goes she will always be his wife and her devotion will never end.

Source: @olicitygifs​

I love that Felicity tells Oliver they are the best parts of each other. We’ve focused a lot on the impact Felicity had in Oliver’s life, and it was monumental, but he changed her too. Oliver opened up Felicity’s world. She found a strength she never knew existed, a purpose worth fighting for and a love worth living for.

Love wasn’t the finish line for Oliver and Felicity. Their relationship wasn’t the reward after all the struggle and hardship. Their love was the evolution. Oliver and Felicity inspired, challenged, changed and supported each other. They became heroes together. They are unique and interesting characters separately, but together they are magic.  Olicity brings out the very best in each other, which means they are living life to the fullest. This love makes life worth living… just as Diggle promised Oliver not so long ago.

And then the mic drop.

Source: @olicitygifs​

OLICITY IS BIGGER THAN THE FRIGGIN’ UNIVERSE. 

Oliver and Felicity are the OTPs of OTPs, the ship of ships and the story of stories. Olicity set the standard at infinity. No other love story will ever come close. At least not for me.

All the sorrow, sacrifice, joy and triumphs make Oliver and Felicity’s love story EPIC. In the immortal words of Logan Echol, “Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined and bloodshed. Epic.” Maybe their life isn’t normal, but it is extraordinary. This love will conquer all no matter how long it takes.

Source: @olicitygifs​ 

Whoa. I can do twelve pages just on this statement alone. WOW. These writers love shining a beautiful bright light on Olicity while simultaneously taking a crap on L*uriver. It’s truly a gift.

I am going to take some time to discuss this because this line is incredibly important. The writers are drawing a comparison to Felicity and Oliver’s past relationships for a reason. This is a deeply profound statement as Oliver reflects on the person he used to be and the person he is today.

Oliver shut down his emotions and became The Machine to survive those five years in hell. 

He told Felicity on their first date how he wasn’t able to see the humanity in other people when he returned home. 

He had shut off everything that made him human. 

Until he walked into Felicity’s cube and she sparked the light inside him. Then everything began to change.

But it was a very slow process. When we look back at Season 1 and Oliver’s behavior, his fear of being unable to love is quite prevalent. His inability to connect is crippling to his relationships with Thea, Moira and Tommy.

It’s even worse with the women he “dated.” Oliver was going through the motions in his relationships before Felicity. It was like he was playing a part. He mimicked what a relationship was supposed to look like without ever risking real vulnerability. There’s a wall inside Oliver and nobody knows that better than him. He had sex with these women, but Oliver wasn’t truly connecting with them and he knew it. No wonder Oliver believe he’d lost the ability to love.

Yes, even with Sara. The Original Canary will always be Oliver’s “perfect on paper” love interest. She was missing everything Oliver feared about a relationship with Felicity. I’m not just talking about the danger, even though Oliver’s fear for Felicity’s safety was high on his list of concerns. 

However, Oliver’s love for Felicity was like a raw nerve. It exposed all the vulnerabilities he worked so hard to protect. It took Oliver a long time to be ready for Felicity and he fought it nearly every step of the way. Loving Felicity reopened Oliver’s humanity, but that humanity came with the flood of pain he’d been trying to keep out.

Sara was a perfect path of avoidance because she was even more screwed up than Oliver, which says A LOT. The entire focus of their relationship was Oliver saving Sara. It was all about fixing her sins and brokenness. Saving Sara meant saving himself without having to bother with all the messy, uncomfortable and painful parts of his trauma. It was like putting a Sara shaped band aid over the gushing wound of his past. Not gonna work Handsome! Oliver also believed Sara was broken because of him. She was a manifestation of all his sins.

Oliver used these relationships like a mirror to reflect all the awful things he believed about himself. He failed Helena.  He wasn’t good enough for McKenna. He destroyed Sara. And L*urel was self hatred.

Din*h L*urel L*nce. Holy hell where do we begin? Every time Oliver talks about feeling undeserving of love he is referencing his relationship with L&urel. 

Hell, he told her that in the alien dream world. Real and sustaining love brings out our best selves, so it is impossible to feel undeserving of it. If anything it feels like the love you were always meant to find.

L*urel was the person Oliver believed he should love. He felt like something was wrong with him because he didn’t. Oliver decided to blow up his life rather than have an honest conversation with L*urel about it. This was a mistake he paid for and then some, but it didn’t mean Oliver’s feelings were wrong.

When he returned from the island his pursuit of L*urel was pursuit of self hatred. It was a continual cycle of chasing after her, trying to be worthy and failing. 

L*urel never missed an opportunity to tell Oliver he is a complete waste of a human being. And then the next week she’d be batting her eyes, panting and mauling him. 

I think Oliver became addicted to the cycle. When L*urel unleashed her vitriol and rage it confirmed every awful thing Oliver believed about himself. But redemption felt possible when L*urel showered him with affection and it was almost euphoric. He was stuck in this toxic cycle with her for a very long time.

Oliver’s pursuit of L*urel in Season 1 is much like his pursuit of his mission. He is chasing an illusion of love just like crossing off names on a list gave Oliver the illusion he’s saving a city. 

The reason he always talks about feeling undeserving of love when it comes to L*urel is because Oliver knew, deep down, she was chasing an illusion too. 

He knew the man L*urel loved didn’t exist. She loved who Oliver should be and not who he was. Oliver is L*urel’s “perfect on paper” love interest, but she never looked beyond the page.

L*urel: We decided to look for apartments together. I know it’s a big step but we’re ready. I think we’ll live together for a year, engaged for another and then –

Sara: Mrs. L*urel Queen.

L*urel: Maybe one day.

When love is unconditional we feel it. When love is conditional we feel it too. The illusion L*urel loved made Oliver feel like crap. He knew he’d never measure up.

If he let L*urel see who he really was then she would see him as less than. Which is worse – someone loving you for who you’re not or someone not loving you because of who you are?  It’s a tough call. No wonder Oliver got on the boat.

Not only was Oliver feeling undeserving of love, but he also felt incapable of love. This tells you everything you need to know about L*uriver. It was never about love. 

He was going through the motions with L*urel just like every other love interest. Oliver mimicked love, but he didn’t feel it. Not the way he should and, even back then, I think he knew that on some level. He was addicted to the toxic cycle with L*urel and what he wanted, more than anything, was to fix things with her. If he fixed everything with L*urel, if she forgave him and took him back, then it was like Lian Yu never happened. Oliver earns his redemption without having to look deep inside the pain. 

And none of that has anything to do with really being in love with L*urel L*nce. Furthermore, he’d be with a person who doesn’t really love who he truly is, which is exactly the kind of love Oliver Queen believed he deserved.

Felicity Megan Smoak is the antithesis of all of this. She is the first mirror to reflect all the good things in Oliver and slowly, bit by bit, he began to believe that reflection was true. The sheer force of her goodness was like a battering ram against the wall Oliver built inside himself. She cracked him wide open and all his light began spilling out. 

All the pain came with all that humanity and it hurt a lot, but Oliver was never alone. Felicity was always by his side. Her compassion made the pain bearable. It gave Oliver the courage to show Felicity who he truly was, the good, bad and awful, and he received unconditional love in return.

She was the first person to tell Oliver he deserved more. There was one inescapable truth Oliver couldn’t ignore. Oliver believes in Felicity Smoak. She is beyond reproach. Felicity is the best of humanity in Oliver’s eyes (and he’s right).  If that is true, and Felicity loves him, then maybe Oliver isn’t as bad as he thought. Even more importantly, she loves Oliver for who he is and not in spite of who he is. This is the difference between feeling deserving and undeserving of love.

Source: @olicitygifs​ 

This is what Oliver means when he says Felicity opened up his heart in ways he never thought possible. He repeats the words Felicity said the night she told Oliver she loved him for the first time. 

Felicity didn’t tell Oliver she loved him because it was her last chance. I mean… yeah it was, but that ignores the massive shift in Oliver’s behavior in 3x20.

Thea was near death and the pain brings Oliver to his knees. Thea was all he had left of his family. She was everything Oliver worked so hard to protect and he failed. 

Instead of pushing Felicity away like he has for most of Season 3, Oliver reaches out to her. He allows Felicity to take care of him. Oliver lets Felicity love him, truly love him, in all the ways he deserves and yet so adamantly refused to accept. And of course, Felicity reaches back. She tells Oliver not only how much she loves him but the profound impact he had on her life.

And that’s the point. Somehow amidst all the pain and suffering in life there is love. We must reach for it, particularly when our world seems darkest and the pain is too much to bear. If we can have a profound impact on one person, inspire his/her best self and make his/her life better by simply being part of it then our life will resonate long after we are gone.  We all deserve unconditional love. If we have to fall to our knees to find it then so be it because it makes life survivable. It’s why life is worth living.

This is gift of Olicity. This is the lesson their story teaches us. Unconditional love seems like such a simple idea, but it isn’t. It gets lost in all the noise of anger, blame, retribution, self hatred, selfishness and indifference. This is why we need hero stories. They serve as a reminder of who we should try to be. Maybe we can’t shoot a bow and arrow like Oliver Queen or hack computers like Felicity Smoak, but we all are capable of loving like they do. Arrow may be a little television show on an almost network, but Olicity’s love is a powerful example to us all.

It’s important to note Stephen is really starting to lose it here. We’re almost at Sarah Michelle Gellar “It’s not enough time!” level hysterics. 

For the love of God someone convince Emily to stay for another 10 episodes. Amell isn’t going to make it! Me neither fam. I honestly missed 95% of this speech the first time because I was sobbing so hard. 

And then he delivers the humdinger. 

Source: @olicitygifs​ 

There are three levels to an Oliver Queen line:

1. Swoon

2. Panty Dropper

3. Cardiac Arrest

This is a hardcore Level 3. It’s been nice knowing everyone! Cause of death: My Only Regret Is Not Telling You I loved You Sooner. Damn Oliver.

Felicity Smoak may be leaving, but lines like this can keep a fandom going for twenty years. Hell we could go fifty on this one. Think of the fics, gifs, artwork, metas and fan vids we can create from this line alone!

SO WHEN WAS SOONER OLIVER? Quite frankly, we could make a strong case for 1x03. Hell, I’m willing to argue for the 3x14 flashback too. One of the first metas I ever wrote was “When Did Oliver Fall in Love with Felicity?” and to this day it’s probably the most popular article I’ve written. It is my firm belief Oliver’s journey towards realization was slow and then it happened all at once. 

This line perfectly dovetails with all those moments because the truth is there is no right answer. Felicity Smoak evolved as Oliver’s true love as the show evolved and yet it was also destiny. Talent and chemistry met opportunity. The unexpected became the plan. That’s the magic of television.

This line reminds me of one from How I Met Your Mother.

“Hi. I'm Ted Mosby. In exactly 45 days from now you and I are going to meet and we're going to fall in love and we're going to get married and we're going to have 2 kids and we're going to love them and each other so much. ... I'm always gonna love you, til the end of my days and beyond. You’ll see.”

Oliver wants those extra 45 days or six months or two years or INSERT PERSONAL TIME FRAME HEAD CANON HERE. All he wants is more time with Felicity.

Source: @olicitygifs​ 

This is tooooo muuuuuuuch! 

Stephen and Emily are shattering my soul. By the way, Oliver finally said Felicity was beautiful! This has been in the fandom’s craw for a loooooong time and IT HAPPENED. (Marc and Beth check off #232).

As much as I love this line it is extremely painful because Oliver is acknowledging he won’t be around to watch Mia grow up. He’s accepted he’s going to die. 

But Felicity hasn’t. She makes her husband another promise and instills some hope in Oliver.  

Source: @olicitygifs​ 

Felicity Smoak is never wrong. If she refuses to accept Oliver’s fate then so should we.

One last I love you.

One last kiss. 

One last hug.

One last look. Memorizing every detail. This memory will have to last 20 years.

Source: @olicitygifs​ 

And then he’s gone. 

Felicity holds on for as long as she can until the distance breaks their hands apart.

And she is alone.

Life will always bring us to our knees my friends. 

Source: @olicitygifs​ 

It’s why our moments of joy are so precious. If you can glean one lesson from this love story I hope it is that.

Arrow did their very best to convince us Oliver is dead. Look guys! A grave!  

Source: olivergifs

Nothing short of a body, autopsy report and dental records will convince me of it. A headstone ain’t gonna cut it!

Felicity says goodbye to her children at his gravesite. 

Source: felicitysmoakgifs 

They’ve saved Star City in the future, but now Felicity & Co. is going on the run. She is putting the city in Mia, William, Connor and Zoe’s hands because they are ready. It’s time for the old guard to fade away and the new guard to step up.  

I don’t believe for one second Oliver Queen is dead, but I realized in this scene why Felicity has not gone out in search of him even though it’s been 20 years. Felicity couldn’t keep her promise to find Oliver until she kept the other promise she made him – to keep William and Mia safe.

All season we’ve watched Felicity struggle with letting go of her children and allowing them to be the heroes they are meant to be. 

Source: feilcityqueen

She knew it would be goodbye once William and Mia could protect themselves. Felicity has devoted her entire life to these children and sacrificed nearly everything – including finding their father. Felicity has been living the last twenty years torn in half as she faithfully kept all the promises she made to Oliver.

This is an impossible choice. If she stays with the children then she’ll never find Oliver. If she leaves to find Oliver then she can’t be with the children. And yet, Felicity made those decisions the last twenty years with grace and love.

I’ve always identified with Felicity in some way, but I probably feel the most connected to her in this scene than I ever have before. We’re supposed to raise our kids to be independent and contributing members of society, but they leave home when they become everything we’ve asked them to be. We spend our children’s entire childhood preparing them to leave us. It’s unbelievably difficult because all we want is to keep them close and hold on even tighter. The hardest part of being a parent is letting go.

And that’s what Felicity has done all season in the flash forwards. She’s held on as tightly as she could to William and Mia, trying to keep them out of the action and safe, but that’s not who they are. It’s not in their blood to stand on the sidelines. William and Mia are the children of heroes and now it’s their turn to carry on their parent’s legacy.  It’s time for Felicity to let go.

William and Mia are ready and the goodbye she’s been dreading the last twenty years is here. 

Source: smoakmonster 

As Felicity says goodbye she brushes the hair from Mia’s face just like Oliver brushed the hair from hers the last time they spoke. Oliver’s dream of Mia growing up to be as smart and as beautiful as her mom came true. She is everything Oliver could ever hope for and more just like William.  These children are his legacy.

Source: felicitysmoakgifs

Mia is heartbroken she never knew their father, which means she will get the chance in Season 8.  THESE ARE THE RULES OF TELEVISION OKAY?!

Source: felicitysmoakgifs 

Felicity solidifies Mia and William’s Season 8 arc by asking them to take care of each other (that neon spin off sign is flashing again too).

Source: felicitysmoakgifs 

 And now is the time we must say goodbye to Felicity Smoak and Emily Bett Rickards. 

Source: blakelivey

She was telling the truth when she told William and Mia she was going on a journey of her own, but it’s not as a fugitive on the run. 

Felicity waits in the middle of the road, the light of the moon streaming behind her like a flashlight guiding her on her journey, and The Monitor arrives. He is taking Felicity to Oliver.

Where she is going there is no return, which is why saying goodbye to Mia and William was so difficult. However, Felicity promised she would watch over them, so I’m thinking wherever she’s going isn’t completely cut off. The minute they “point of no return” then it automatically means the characters will return. Rules of television.

Felicity’s favorite story is The Wizard of Oz and this journey with The Monitor is like Dorothy leaving home for Oz. However, I prefer to think of it as Felicity leaving Oz for home because home is wherever Oliver is. There’s been sadness in Felicity’s eyes in the flash forwards because a piece of her is missing, but now her eyes are shining with light and joy. 

Source: felicitysmoakgifs 

The reunion she’s waited twenty years for is finally here. They are soul in two bodies and these twin flames will finally be together again.

I WAS SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t believe what just happened. I never expected Beth and Marc to give us Oliver and Felicity’s happy ending NOW. Yes, I know it happened off screen, but they are together. 

Hopefully, this multidimensional zone Oliver has been chilling in for the last twenty years looks a lot like Aruba and are having hot-we-waited-20-years-for-each-other sex.

Most of the time when an actor leaves a televisions show there are tons of loose ends and it’s vitally important he or she comes back for the series finale if there’s any chance of resolving the storyline happily. It is incredibly stressful as a viewer. 

But we don’t have to worry about Emily Bett Rickards coming back for the final season. I fully expect her to in the series final at least, but if it doesn’t happen for some reason then it’s okay. The writers planned for the worst case scenario and protected Olicity’s happy ending. 

This is a spectacular gift particularly for those who are saying goodbye to the series now.

I don't want to know what it's like to live without you

Don't want to know the other side of a world without you

Felicity twists her wedding ring, the symbol of her unending love and devotion to Oliver, and steps into the other side of the world to find her husband and fulfill her promise. 

She’s lived the last twenty years without him and she doesn’t want to spend another day without him. Felicity is going home to Oliver.

It’s the home we all found when Oliver brought a bullet ridden computer to the hacker with a ponytail and glasses chewing on a red pen. 

Source: felicitysmoakgifs 

Felicity Smoak and Emily Bett Rickards drifts out of our world with the same light and hope she drifted in with. Oliver may be my favorite character, but Felicity Smoak is the most important. 

There is no other actor or character who had more impact on the story and the trajectory of the show. Emily Bett Rickards came in as a day player, turned the show on its head, became the female lead and anchored the love story Arrow revolved around. THIS IS UNHEARD OF. IT DOESN’T HAPPEN. 

THAT IS PURE TALENT.

Even more importantly, the writers and Emily crafted a strong female character by embracing her humanity. Felicity Smoak is intelligent, witty, compassionate, brave, resilient, optimistic and honest. She makes mistakes (occasionally), but she always learns from them and it makes her a stronger person. 

This was never just Oliver’s story. It was Felicity’s too. She helped Oliver become a hero by being a hero in her own right.  She is a fictional character my daughter can look up to. She made me laugh, cry and ponder life as she wow’d me with her genius, heroism and open heart. That’s more than I could ever ask for.

Emily and Felicity Smoak brought the light to Arrow. 

She saved the show by becoming the show. It gave me a character and love story I will love for the rest of my life and for that I will always be grateful.

As for the future, Felicity essentially disappears inside a black star. The path home to Oliver is a black star. 

Source:  ebett 

No universe can disconnect the souls of this family. They will find each other again. We just have to wait and hope. 

Stray Thoughts

I care very little about anything else going on in the other 30 minutes, so I’ll just catalog my other rando thoughts here rather than create additional sections. Cool? Cool.

It really boils down to Emiko being ticked she didn’t get Queen Consolidated. Wow. My buddy Chris King really nailed it.

“He's trying to save you dumbass.” BEN TURNER GETS TO STAY. I’d exchange Ben Turner for Curtis Holt, Dinah and Rene in a heartbeat. IN. A. HEARTBEAT

Speaking of  Curtis. Keep it. Completely unnecessary having him in Emily’s last episode. 

Nobody really buys that Rene and Dinah should be part of the Mark of Four right? Good. Just checking. 

“Been there before." Never change Roy Harper. I love you just the way you are

“I wanted to be a Queen.” I didn’t really care about Emiko, but that line got me.

“Overwatch?” Annnnd Curtis answers. This is why he had to go. I HATE HIM.

Oliver saved the city and stopped Emiko by using over a decade of loss, pain and PTSD to therapy his sister out of her crazy. That’s kind of awesome.

The parallel of Mia and Oliver fighting was flawless. Probably one of the coolest stunts the show has ever done.

I’m here for Father/Daughter selfless crime fighting duo. I’m going to keep saying I need a spin off until I get it.  Source:  ghxstfoxgoddxs

Mia gets her Daddy’s bow, so the bird fans really need to stop with all the Canary nonsense. How they don’t understand she’s the Oliver in the future/new show is beyond me.

QUEEN SIBLINGS FOREVER! Source:  blackstargifs

The “let’s talk custody with William’s grandparents” line was weird. William’s whole storyline present and future was weird. Keeping William with his grandparents was meant to solely facilitate the Mia shocker and it will always be the piece of this storyline that does not work for me.

I seriously thought the fade out from Oliver’s grave would be the last of the flash forwards and I was going to be ticked because I didn’t want to do yet another season of “Is Oliver Dead?” Or “Is Felicity dead?” for that matter. SO OVER IT. I was completely overjoyed it was not the end of the flash forwards.

Can we all just finally agree the writers would rather chew their hands off than kill Felicity Smoak? Because it’s true.

L*urel isn't part of the Mark of Four. She gets a handshake because that's the same. This show is so savage with any version of her character. YIKES.

Rene lived! Shocker.

Felicity instructing John how to take care of the bunker is my level of OCD.

“I have to find a way to atone for that.” Sooo… you park it on a deserted island?

William asks how Roy ended up on the island and he pretty much says it’s a great story, but then doesn’t tell him. HILARIOUS.

Stephen dropped the bag on the stairs and looked like he was trying not to laugh as David finished his lines. The fact this is the best shot they had is further evidence of all the shots Stephen probably blew with all his feelings. Source:  legends-of-today

No Diggle in the flash forwards, so that’s something to look forward to for Season 8.

I have absolutely no idea how Season 8 is going to work. Is it going to be like the prison storyline and Oliver is just off on his own universe show while Diggle holds down the fort in Star City? Oooookay.

So much Outlander it ain’t even funny.

Are you alive? You just read a term paper on Olicity and Felicity Smoak. 

Thank you for your patience as I finished this review and thank you for reading it! 

To all those who are moving on thank you for visiting this blog, reading what I write, and helping me create a space for us all to enjoy a television show we love. I appreciate all the support and can never thank you enough. Feel free to visit any time because I’m not going anywhere! I have some fun things planned for this summer and of course there’s still 10 more episodes of Arrow in the fall. 

To those sticking around thanks for hanging with me until the bitter end.

Disclaimer: Any gifs on the blog are not mine. If you would like a gif removed from my reviews, please message me. 7x22 gifs credited.

If you’d like to support the blog, please buy me a cup of tea!

[animebw]

Binge-Watching: Haibane Renmei, Episodes 1-3

And so we begin! In which the tone keeps me at arm’s length, a million mysteries are raised, and subtle sense of wrongness pervades the whole thing.

Thick Clouds

There’s a certain tendency among newer anime fans to dismiss older anime as boring. With how wild and bombastic modern anime is able to get thanks to the assistance of computers and CG, it can be easy to look back on the days of cell-shading and think it just doesn’t feel that engaging anymore. And I think there’s some truth to that sentiment, albeit exaggerated. Older anime definitely has a noticeably different flow to it, something that’s evident across pretty much all genres. It spends more time lingering on shots and moments. It tends favor intricate detail over kinetic, crazy sakuga. It’s more restrained in its presentation as a result of being, well, more restrained by technology. Sure, you’ve still got plenty of hype shonen action and crazy mecha madness, but even stuff like Yu Yu Hakusho and the original Gunbuster is noticeably more laid back than stuff like My Hero Academia and Code Geass. So if you’re more familiar with newer anime, it can be hard sometimes to groove on older anime’s slower wavelength. But at the same time, I don’t think it’s fair to dismiss older anime just because it lacks some of the punch we’ve come to expect. Plenty of older anime rank among my all-time favorites, slower pace and all. And stuff like Kino’s Journey and Wolf’s Rain proves that more deliberate, atmospheric fare can still be emotionally gripping. There’s plenty of great stuff to be found in older anime, as long as you’re willing to meet it at its level.

But every rule has an exception. And if you asked me what came to mind when I pictured the stereotypical slow, boring old anime, it would look at lot like Haibane Renmei.

To be clear, I don’t think Haibane Renmei is a bad show. It’s got plenty of things I enjoy, which I’ll touch on later. But it’s one of those shows where the tone and atmosphere come before everything else. It’s a pale, washed-out show, sketched in heavily muted colors and blurry bloom effects that compliment its decrepit, old-medieval-meets-Victorian-England aesthetic. It’s got hardly any plot to speak of, no conflict in sight, and what worldbuilding we get is heavily couched in the same kind of ambiguous dream/fairy tale mysticism that Wolf’s Rain made use of. Much like Rakka herself, we’re thrust into this new world with no knowledge of what’s going on and nothing really to do except wander around in search of a purpose. It seeks to capture a sense of languid aimlessness, lulling the audience into this world where every sense of solid footing is just a little out of reach. Unfortunately, it does its job too well. It’s so aimless, so slow-moving, so committed to simply existing in the confines of its tone, that I quickly felt my eyes glazing over by the time episode 2 rolled around. And that tone is so thick that that whole thing feels kinda monotonous and one-note. This is why stories that rely so heavily on atmosphere are so hard to get right; it’s hard to keep an audience invested if the emotional register never changes. The best stories can make you feel happy one moment, sad the next, angry another, hopeful somewhere down the line. If you’re communicating nothing but vague melancholy without any variety, it won’t be long before I lose the ability to bay attention through sheer boredom.

Mystery Upon Mystery

But like I said, I don’t think Haibane Renmei is a bad show. And that’s because despite my frustration with its tone, it is managing to keep my interest in another way: raising a million fucking questions. This is the kind of story where you watch just to figure out what’s really going on, where you’re constantly being hit with new mysteries and unexplained occurrences that make you wonder about the nature of the world the characters are in. The hazy, dream-like tone may not be the most compelling thing in the world, but it certainly places the world in fascinating state of ethereal ambiguity. There’s an almost fable-esque quality to how ancient and mysterious the setting of Haibane Renmei feels. I can almost imagine reading this world like a book, turning page after page as I dive deeper and deeper into the myths these ancient texts describe. And if nothing else, I’m eager to figure out what the answers to all these questions are. So let’s take a look at all the questions this show’s raised so far.

First off, who are the Haibane? They’re called to this mysterious town and they’re named after the first dreams they have, born from cocoons that can show out of nowhere. They’re guided by a mysterious organization called the Haibane Renmei, and they’re not allowed to step outside town. In fact, no one’s allowed to step outside town, not even the humans who live alongside them. Their only contact with the outside world is a mysterious trader who they’re not allowed to speak to and only communicates in sign language. What’s beyond the town walls that we’re not supposed to see, to the point where even hearing the voice of an outsider isn’t allowed? Why are the Haibane wiped of all memories of their past life before they arrive? Is this some kind of allegory for purgatory, or heaven, or something spiritual of that nature? If not, when why are the Haibane made to look like angels? And who, exactly, set down the rules that govern their behavior? Why must they live alongside humans but only be allowed to use the worn-out things humans have left behind? It’s not exactly segregation, and it seems like humans and Haibane get along pretty well, but why does this purpose exist? Not to mention the unsettling symbolism of the white wings of the Haibane- companions to human society- and the black wings of the crows- exiles to human society- meeting in the gray wings that Rakka sprouts. Something about that ambiguity, in particular, makes me very nervous for how things could go wrong down the line.

Blasphemy

Honestly, though, that might be the most striking thing about Haibane Renmei so far. Despite how languid and hazy its tone is, there’s a subtle sense of deep discomfort running through the whole thing. The Haibanes seem pretty happy with their situation, but the more we learn about them, the more we notice the ways that their personhood is stripped from them. They can only use secondhand goods. They can only work at certain places. When visiting their overseers/superiors in the Renmei, they aren’t even allowed to talk. They are made wholly subservient to faceless, nameless forces that guide their lives according to unknown whims, stripping away their means of expressing themselves, even isolating them from their own bodies. And it’s creepy. There’s a wrongness that permeates the way these characters are treated by the world around them, a creeping sense of discomfort that their lives are not their own. Even right after getting her wings, Rakka can’t help but feel like her body’s becoming something not her own. Her sense of personal autonomy is being swallowed up by her body changing against her will into something meant to be controlled and repressed. And her only comfort is the tender way Reki cares for her wings, brushing off the blood and grease staining the soft feathers as if trying to scrub away some dark mortal stain.

It’s also pretty interesting how the “angelic” parts of the Haibene’s bodies are stripped of their usual divinity and brought down to earth. Their halos are forged as if from iron and are thrust upon them like cybernetic implants, not natural manifestations of their inner light. Their wings, so often depicted as downy and soft, here grow out of their bodies like tumors, splitting skin and flesh in gristly, gruesome detail. And the savagely detailed animation on the growth of Rakka’s wings, not to mention the goopy mess she makes of the cocoon she breaks out of, only further emphasizes how tactile, unglamorous, and even gross these supposedly angelic beings really are (the animation as a whole is actually very good, with plenty of great character acting to go around). It takes something that’s normally depicted as holy and sacred, and turns it into a figure trapped by the confines of a dirty, messy, ominous earth. And every time Rakka so much as brushes against that inner darkness- her melancholic thoughts while falling in her dream, the chilling eyeless gaze she receives from the Observer- it strikes a chord in me that doesn’t easily recover. If Haibane Renmei chooses to explore those ideas more actively and dive into the meaning behind all these mysteries, then maybe it’ll be able to grab my interest before all is said and done. As is, while I’m far from being blown away by this show thus far, I’m at least intrigued enough to stick with it and see where it goes from here. Let’s see what it’s still got in store.

Odds and Ends

-”What if we just smashed it with a hammer?” I like her.

-”Smells like nuts.” That’s an... interesting detail. Why does Rakka have such interesting smells?

-oh my god they just stuck it on like that

-Yeah, it can’t be easy learning how to use new muscles, can it?

-”It’s cause the Haibane Renmei is an organization that practices dangerous magic!” aksjdhaskd fuck’s sake Kana

-Woah, what just happened there? What’s this “emotional strain” thing that came on so suddenly?

-”I’ll go to sleep when you do.” “I already have.” Aaaw, that’s sweet.

-”That dream again...” Man, Reki, what are you trying to hide?

-”See? Not scary at all!” pfft

-”An old man like that doesn’t know how to kill time except lecturing everybody.” I like Reki.

-”Today, your guest teacher Rakka will show you how to eat carrots.” ksdjhasksdj you fucking freak

-”You just wanted some pancakes, didn’t you?” Nailed it.

-DID YOU SERIOUSLY USE THE HALO PRESS TO MAKE BAGELS I SWEAR TO GOD HIKARI

And with that, we are on our way! This is gonna be a fascinating show however it turns out, I can tell. See you next time!