#the semester's been one week in and im already pulling all nighters

[vacalimpia]

despite how mych i wished for the semester to end because of how work heavy it was now that it did I realize that the daily worry of "oh my god I have to get this done or ITS OVER better pack up for another 10 hour stay at college" became essential to my days, suddenly i feel aimless 😭

what do you mean that the things I did for procastination and to ignore my responsabilities are now just normal leisure. what do you mean i do not have work I have to do after this or i die how am i expected to just goof around without the dread of getting work done looming over me /lh

[tangerinegod]

Hello! I am sorry to bother you but I am a senior getting ready for college this year. I am in the US and I wanted to major in the same thing you did, do you have any possible tips for me? I still haven't even looked for colleges that would be best for animation majors so I figured if you were up to giving out any tips/saying any basic ideas if you wanted to/if you had the time to then maybe I'll have a better idea! I apologise for if I sound weird! I'm tried to word it correctly but I can't 😿

hi!! i’m totally down to share my experiences! someone else also had some questions so i’m going to put them all together in this post haha, hopefully this helps! it’ll get pretty long so apologies ahead of time but art school is a lot to think about so i wanna be as helpful as i can around it, its a lot of time and money. I’m gonna put it all under a read more cus it is really really long!

i wanna start off with the fact that I had the privilege of attending school in a financially stable environment, my parents were/are really supportive so w merit scholarship i only came out with around 20-30k in debt and i also had housing support my entire time in school. they were ok with me focusing on academics so i didn’t hold a retail job unless i was out of school like summer/winter break. Ofc though i regularly take commissions/do merch/cons to try and pay for all bills that arent rent cus i did want to be financially independent where it was possible. I also did try and work during the semester but everytime i did my body would deff start to breakdown from the fact that i didnt wanna compromise schoolwork with jobs.. so just read ahead know this experience is from a student who was able to attend focusing only on school work for most of the time!

the biggest thing is knowing art school is not required to become a professional in either freelancing or industry! there are a huuuge amount of online tools and classes these days that provide the exact same education and for cheaper too. i think it depends on what experience you prefer/can handle/want but it’s definitely possible to make art/animation art your living without higher education. the thing that college will for sure give you though is the ability to meet deadlines, work even when you dont want to, and connections with peers+teachers. i think the connections part is invaluable because you’re basically coming out with a network of people you already know and who know you! 

also its good to know if you want to attend/can handle art school! it’s a lot of time and energy and students get burned out really fast. the best piece of advice i got before going was ‘if you draw every single day, even if its for only like 5-10 minutes or a doodle for a whole year you should be fine’ consistency is super key because you’re attending school to draw, and you’ll have to create work for stuff you aren’t excited for at some point or another. burnout is extremely real and the only reason i didn’t experience it was probably because i got super into drawing naruto fanart again inbetween sophomore and junior year! it helped give me something to draw seperated from school which is the only thing i was drawing for since i had entered rip. a heads up id also consider myself a workaholic so i fit in ok with the ‘art school’ environment but it is suuper unhealthy. if you are fantastic at managing your schedule then it’s definitely possible to take care of yourself! freshman year i got 8 hours a sleep a night and only pulled all nighters for some second semester finals at the end. sophomore year + up though i ended up prioritizing hw over sleep and like for sure, definitely shortened my life span. there’s another q down below where i’ll go more into detail but ya, be careful w ur work balance!

another tip especially for animation is knowing for a fact what type of animation you’re looking to go into, and what the school is offering. I didn’t think i’d get into art school at the time so i only applied to two places + decided if i didnt get into either id attend community to get credits out of the way while building portfolio. honestly? i did not do a lot of research LOL but like i did end up having the chance to tour and stuff! just know that each school will have a very different curriculum. The main differences are schools that prioritize 3D (cg animation, cg modeling, ect) and 2D/traditional (hand drawn, ‘oldschool’, digital or traditional based) this is a huge difference so make sure you do research for it! in most cases a 2D/traditional program will also offer 3D since it’s at the forefront of the industry animation wise rn. My school taught 2D but like hand drawn on physical paper 2D, frame by frame. while it was a good experience it’s super outdated because digital tools make it way faster + easier! i’d recommend looking for a program that is digital 2D over traditional 2D. 

if after your senior year covid is still affecting campuses in the US to keep them shut down i’d recommend attending a community college to get credits and then transferring into school. one of the negatives is paying money for gened classes when ur not there for them; if you can get them out of the way sooner and cheaper there is absolutely no negative + you could graduate earlier or use the extra time for better work or to work a job! 

these are all the general tips i think i’d give on like a broad basis of attending or not to think about? let me know if u have more q’s! someone asked q’s im answering below that go more into personal experiences + work culture so heres those:

- how many hours a week do u spend studying, in class, otherwise making art? like how much of ur life does it consume?

I was basically working on art.... 24/7! since i wasnt working a job at the same time i crammed as many credits as possible into my schedule so on avg i did 18 credit semesters (around 6 classes) art classes go for 6 hours and non art go for 3, so i’d spent around 30-35 hours in class a week! hw wise it varied on the class but combined it would be around 35-50 hours a week... im guessing? on average studio classes would have 8-10 hours of hw, maybe 5 for a light week, and gened classes 5 hours w them all combined. or this was probably how things were before junior year? junior+senior year i had thesis + everything else ontop.. i’d spend around 30-40 hours on thesis a week with other classes ontop of that bc my film was super long cus im a dummy! 

- is it hard going to art school n realising that altho u were probably quite talented… so is everyone else? Like. all of a sudden. ur not special and everyone seems as good as u, you know? More generally, how do u deal with comparison?

kinda?? i think instead of the idea of like you vs others it feels more of like a competition at first to be the best. this varies hugely on school culture though; my animation year was really friendly with each other and get along extremely well, so my answer to this is v different than some others who attended different schools. i think that the idea of ‘comparison’ only lasts a portion of the first year because at some point you realize that it’s not a who’s better as much as its a ‘these are my coworkers’ type thing? like healthy competition 100% because we’re all working to improve but i think most of us learned pretty early on that viewing each other as peers going into the same workforce helped a lot. also at some point everyone develops their own style/starts to develop their artistic preferences so there isn’t a way to compare whos 'better’ anymore? i dont think there ever is tbh because style is appealing based off of an individuals preferences. If anything realizing everyone else is also amazing makes you wanna work harder ig? or thats how i felt! it’s inspiring to be surrounded by so many people who create such amazing work. 

- is there a lot of workaholic culture? all nighter culture?

100000% there can be a workaholic and all nighter culture. i know people who avoided it and thats honestly fantastic because i fall super easily into that pit. sometimes i’ll pull all nighters on a personal project just because i really want to finish it... i am definitely considered a workaholic all the way through and its not healthy rip... i’d estimate at the worst i was pulling 2-3 all nighters a week and only 4-5 hours of sleep on the nights i didn’t? that was only for one year tho, after that i was like yeah ok this is really bad for my health in the long run LOL so i tried to cut it down to one all nighter a week and around 5-6 hours of sleep the rest of the week! by senior year my decision to cram in full semesters paid off and i was able to consistently get around 7 hours of sleep a night + no all nighters minus finals since my schedule was lighter despite thesis 😭 while there is that culture i don’t think people view it as like a badge of honor or something to be proud of anymore which is good, we mostly view it as a flaw of the art school system and something that needs to be fixed!!

- are you glad u did it? how did u know it was what u wanted?

i am glad i did it! i’m definitely in a limbo right now of if it was worth both my time, money, and my parents money rip but i think with what i got out of it i definitely wouldn’t be as far skill wise or knowledge wise when it comes to the art industry. i would say it was only worth it for be because i had so much support going in though so i was able to focus so much on improving. if i had only been able to put in part of the effort and not make full use of the resources provided i would honestly have a different answer.. 

i knew it was what i wanted when i realized i really couldn’t see myself pursuing a different profession happily! despite all the bumps and stuff im fully in love with drawing still and feel honored that it’s a field that can provide a living. my second profession choice was to go into culinary school? and third option i think going was into music cus i was also a band kid hehe.  

- how do u cope with ur hobby becoming ur job? how do u deal with art going from something u do for fun to something u do on command constantly?

i think seperating work art from personal art is important! in my case im doubling naruto into being personal work so i have something to fall back onto that isn’t work related. its been a hyperfixation for 12+ years? so drawing it at this point is just like personal art imo. some people have hobbies outside of art and only draw for their job! i think after attending classes for so long the idea of hobby turning into job feels extremely natural? also i enjoy doing it so thats a huge plus! 

sorry this is SO long but i hope i answered your guys’ questions! if you have more just lmk!

[blue-hi]

i’ve been awake since 4:30 am and it’s 9:00 now so i need to get this out because it’s been months and i havent been able to spit the whole thing out and i need to SAY something so i think i’ll jst yell into the void so

thanks

ive had insomnia since at least mid october. cant really remember now when it started. i’d keep waking up in th emiddle of the night, always around 2 or 3 am and it would take ages to get back to sleep.

ive never been one for all nighters and i like getting a full night’s sleep and all of a sudden i wasn;t getting it and for no reason too. this scared me. it still scares me. i reached out to my mom for idk emotional support??? i didn’t want to be alone

“this happens to other people too” started out as a way to help but the way she said it sounded like she was dismissing me and what was happening. like it would all clear up soon so i had no reason to bother her

then the week before halloween almost all my classes assigned projects or had a test and they were all assigned at the same time at the end of the week and were all due at the same time on halloween. the saturday before halloween and after i got all the assignments i slept particularly awfully and i just broke down in th emiddle of the library. like all day and i couldn’t stop. that scared me even more bc if it happened once it can happen again

im terrified. that’s the core of the issue

that day my mom and aunt got me a plane ticket to fly home for the next weekend to see if being home would fix things. we even had a doctor’s appointment it didn’t fix anything. the doctor told me things i already knew but also decided i had generalized anxiety disorder and that was why i couldn;t sleep even though i wasn;t scared until after it started and i slept terribly that night again. i was hysterical. i still had no idea why i couldn’t sleep i shouldn’t have paced that loud in the hallway but yeah i wanted attention i felt alone. maybe it was selfish but i just wanted a hug and i knew then i was in for the long haul and i didn’t want to be afraid AND be alone but my mom just yelled at me (which she had the right to i was being not-great) and i felt i was burdening her. that’s when i realized she either can’t or won’t be there with me or both

i went to the counselor at my school and i just vented. not all of this but some of it and i had other problems at the time like my major and some classes but those had all worked themselves out by the end of november i also went to the health center and got a little bottle of this drug called hydroxyzine and that started helping a little bit. i was taking tylenol pm every night before that and apparently this was something stronger

then thanksgiving rolled around and i was still having some issues. one thing i remember most vividly is twin and i were going to drive to our dad’s house for the day. normally i drive but i handed the keys to twin because i hadn’t slept well and didn’t feel like driving. my mom noticed and asked why i didn’t want to drive and i SHOULD have lied and said that i wanted twin to practice but i told he truth and said i felt too tired to drive and she rolled her eyes at me later in the break one morning she asked me how i slept again and i said poorly and i was still half asleep but i swear she scoffed

then i knew i REALLY couldn;t expect her to help me. not even with the sleeping but just with support.

i went back to the school counselor (different person though) and! my mom still doesn’t know about that visit. she doesn;t know that counselor said that insomnia sometimes predates depression symptoms. should i tell her that? that’s also terrifying. i managed to get out of high school without really any mental illness issues so i;m a lucky one but that’s what i’m scared about going forward

i feel like it’s not as serious as it feels and that no i don’t have anxiety and no i don’t have depression (yet) and that i should just suck it up until i do but also i can have emotions because i;m a fucking person and ‘m allowed to tell people about them without feeling like a burden or a fake bc god forbid i have a single negative emotion in front of someone. i’ve always been a “good girl low maintenance child” and FUCK that

weirdly i started to sleep well during finals week and these past 2 weeks on break too but i think that’s because the hydroxyzine started to kick in. except oops now my supply is low and i have about a week or two left until i completely run out and the little bottle says NO REFILLS LEFT so i have to figure out how to get more for the semester last night i tried to go to bed without taking one to see if i’ve gotten any better. news flash nothing’s changed without it and now everything that had gone away in the last 3 weeks all the anxiety and hopelessness and tiredness and terror all came back last night and right now i feel like i;m back in the library again bc i can’t stop crying

what if i can’t get more before the semester starts?? if i’m like this during break what’ll happen when i have to stress again?

i came downstairs at 8 to do organic chemistry on khan academy because if i can’t sleep then i might as well do something productive. mom came down to get ready for work and she saw me and asked me if i was upset about not sleeping again

i was an idiot and said yeah - that’s what i hate too. i want to be honest about mental health with people and how i’m doing but to stop this i need to lie to her. now i’ll always be fine! and she never has to know if i;m in a bad way just as she likes it and i feel a w f u l about it. it makes be feel petty and petulant but i’m non confrontational. i want to tell her everything i;ve written here and just be so honest she has to listen to me instead of dismissing me every time but every time she asks i clam up and i failed again this morning she accused me of wanting to feel scared because “i hadn’t tried everything yet”. she and family members for christmas sent me some things that are supposed to help like a light developed by insomniacs or a winter light and i really do appreciate all of it, but they all came when the medicine was working so i didn’t NEED it. last night was different because i am a scientist and am my own guinea pig and i wanted to see what would happen if i didn’t take the drugs. i’ll use all of that tonight in Phase 2 of the Worst Experiment Ever but she wouldn’t LISTEN to me when i said that either.

now i’ll just say nothing. why should she know it’s only caused both of us stress. i wish she would take this (insomnia! depression!! mental health woo!) as seriously as she took my acne when i was 12. still now if i have a zit she feels entitled to touch my face. do you wanna know how you can help??? stay away from me and don’t wonder why i kind of want to tell her. she’s coming back home in a couple of hours bc it’s new year’s eve and i might still be in a state who knows but i’ll choke again and she’ll yell at me again and nothing will have changed

people have asked me how my semester went and “it’s been a shitty one,” i wanna say but normally i just say that i’m glad it’s over only for my parents to swoop in and say “it can’t have been all that bad i mean you did well with your grades in the end” like !! i pulled that B in physics out of my ass! just because i did ok academically because i’m lucky and good at school doesn’t mean my health was great! my dad can’t help me either because i’ll say that my mental health recently isn’t as good as it could be and he just goes “aww sweetie.” and that’s it. nothing else. thanks dad. i know you don’t know what to do with that information and i don’t fault you for that because emotions have never taken precedence in either household (except for all the curse words i learned from my mom when she’s inconvenienced)

all of this and i still don’t know why i can’t sleep normally

thanks for reading this fkn novel all of this has been on my chest for a LONG time and i haven’t had the chance to say any of it and if i get the chance i’m afraid i’ll forget something (i probably did here, too). i truly mean thank you. this has been cathartic to write, even though i still need to go to a counselor or something. i hope your new year (and decade!) is bright

[wanna1things]

Radio DJ!Kim Jaehwan

the idea came to me because for like a good 3 years of my life i wanted to be a radio dj and idk jaehwan fits this au well...

Genre;; fluff +radio dj au is that a thing idk

Warnings;; unless you hate jaehwan, his laugh, and music then none lol

Pairing;; Kim Jaehwan x reader

Requested;; no this is just another thing from my backlog lol

Summary;; Jaehwan is the radio dj for your university radio station, and he’s looking for someone to present with him… maybe something more?

Style;; bullet point

Word Count;; 1913

UH requests will be done by the end of the week!! just clearing the backlog of posts while i revise for my uni tests lol

jaehwan is pretty well known in your university for his job as a dj for the uni’s radio station

nobody knows what he’s studying, everyone assumes it’s music (they’re right), they just know he’s the guy with the weird laugh who hosts the midnight to 2am slot

aka when everyone is cramming

he plays pretty funky music at the start but by the end it’s chill tunes to help everyone wind down and actually get some sleep

you’re an avid listener

you stay up until 2am every day, not even to study just to listen to his show lol

you always make notes of the songs he plays because he seems to have almost the exact same music taste as you??

by the time it’s 2am your hand is aching from writing down all the songs he’s played lol

at 1am he always has a 5 minute gap where he covers a popular song on guitar and sings it too and sjhgfsjd it’s amazing you’re in love with his voice

it’s just…

you have no idea what he looks like

all of your friends know about your crush on the dj with the satanic laugh and they tease you 24/7

like lol how can you be in love with a guy you’ve never seen before

but theres some sort of;; connection that you feel with him lmao

anyway, as you walk into your class one day in the middle of the semester you notice a poster up on the pinboard

in handwritten bubble letters (you know the ones) it says

“kim jaehwan is recruiting!! send a playlist to my email jaehwanisthebestdjintheworld@gmail.com and i’ll rate you and decide on who will be my new co-host!! entries close at the end of the week!”

your heartbeat speeds up

now you have an opportunity to possibly meet the guy you’ve been crushing on since that one time you pulled an all nighter at the beginning of uni lol

you take note of his pretty stupid email address and take your seat at the back of the class

instead of listening you spend the whole time brainstorming your playlist sdhfhds

as soon as the lecturer dismisses you, you leg it out of the room and to your flat

but in your rush you accidentally run into someone

and by run i mean like you slam into this really cute guy

and you spill his drink lol

they seemed uh… pretty mad but honestly you were in such a rush to get back and sort out the playlist you just opened your bag and gave him a $5 bill to cover the costs lmao

as you walk away you swear you hear a familiar satanic laugh coming from the guy you just ran into but

you chalk it up to you just hearing things

you stay up until midnight sorting out the playlist and brainstorming

after trying to come up with themed playlists and stuff but losing motivation after a while

you decide to roughly follow the structure he uses in his show, funky and louder at the start and gradually getting softer

you put all of your favourite songs in there, and make sure to sprinkle a couple of ones that jaehwan plays regularly in there

and once you’re pleased with the result you send it to the email,, at exactly 11:59

before you know it jaehwans show is starting

“Hello fellow students!! It’s everyone’s favourite midnight dj Kim Jaehwan!! Thank you for all your submissions so far, i’ll be reviewing them tomorrow! For now let's get on with the show!’

you realise straight away the first song hes playing is the one you put first on your playlist

and you’re a bit creeped out but you just think its a coincidence i mean you two have the same music taste

but by the time the 5th song is playing eXACTLY the same as your playlist you realise

he’s literally just playing your playlist

you open up your email again and begin drafting a new email asking for an explanation like really why is he using your playlist??

within seconds you get a reply

“hello;; y/n;; yeah sorry about that you’re the only submission so far… i took a look at the first 3 songs and i decided i trust your choices enough to use your playlist for this show… hope you don’t mind??”

OF COURSE YOU DON’T MIND

you type a speedy reply because uh oh don’t want jaehwan thinking you’re mad

“hey jaehwan! i don’t mind at all!! does this mean i got the job lol??”

again in the space of 3 seconds you get a reply but this time it’s just two words

“no comment”

the next day you head into uni and you realise all of the posters jaehwan put up for recruiting have been taken down

honestly you’re a bit shook like does he not need a partner any more??

that is until halfway through your day you’re sitting in the library studying when you receive an email from the one and only worlds best dj kim jaehwan

“hey new partner! you’ve officially been recruited! meet me in the cafe in 20 minutes;; here’s my phone number _______!”

the first thing that comes to your mind is what do you save jaehwans number as dsjfgdfjh

you decide on ‘worlds no.1 dj’ and then pack up your work and make your way to the cafe

when you get there you see a guy sitting at a table on his own, looking at his phone suspiciously and sipping on his drink

when you look a bit closer you realise uh oh its the guy you bumped into yesterday don’t get noTICED

but after about 5 minutes of trying to hide from the guy you ran into, you still can’t spot jaehwan so you decide to ring his number

you’re mortified when you see the guy you ran into pick up his phone sjfhjs uh oh

you stay on the line and gradually make your way over to the table he’s at and sit down in the chair opposite him

he is honestly just as shocked as you

“okay y/n i have so many questions first of all why did you give me $5?? why were you in such a hurry?? what is this”

you can’t even process his questions because ok you just fell in love a litttttle bit more

i mean like this guy i mean jaehwan has the cutest cheeks and a really cuTE SMILE and really soft looking fluffy hair oh my god;;;

you’re almost about to grab your phone and call all of your friends like HA i fell in love with someone i’ve never seen and he turned out to be good looking as hell anyway LMAO

when he realises you’re not going to answer his questions he stands up and orders you an iced coffee lol

as he puts it in front of you, you thank him graciously and suddenly blurt out

‘thank you so much honestly i’ve been a fan of yours for a long time and we have the exact same music taste and i really admire you and you’re an amazing singer and musician an-’

‘woah okAY y/n i didn’t hire you just to hear compliments i mean i’m not complaining but you don’t need to thank me lol you have a gift with playlists that's whY i hired you’

he smiles at you really wide and you realise like you had nothing to be so nervous about he’s not got a grudge against you and hes also super nice?? at least he seems it

and so you’re welcomed to the radio family

at first everyone is so confused when your voice appears alongside jaehwan’s at 12am

but after a while everyone is very attached to your shows

you pick amazing songs together, you have gr8 banter and sometimes;; just sometimes you join in singing with jaehwan

after the show he always compliments you on how good you are at singing but tbh he’s so whipped he doesnt know

thats right

jaehwan was interested you from the moment you gave him instant compensation for running into him

and now, after spending all this time with you, he’s just like

so in love

like;; not only do you have mad talent but you also can deal with him and his annoying laugh like lets be honest most of his friends give up after an hour or two

even his best friend the business major minhyun can only handle him for so long lol

but you two are so in tune and theres some sort of connection between you two that words can’t explain;; one that you’ve been feeling for a LONG TIME

it doesn’t help that now there’s mad gossip going around

“that person that djs with jaehwan for the midnight slot?? yeah them i heard they’re dating jaehwan as well lol”

uH

minhyun, who sometimes comes and sits to watch live action midnight slot, has also noticed that you both have pretty obvious feelings for each other

he’s noticed how when you look at jaehwan it’s like you’re looking at the whole damn universe

and how jaehwan can’t help but smile to himself whenever you smile

and he starts up a plan

a plan to convince jaehwan to confess

one night after the slot they walk you back to the dorm together

minhyun feeling like a bit of a third wheel lol

but as soon as you’re safely inside minhyun whispers to jaehwan

‘heyyyy jaehwan…. I know about your crush on y/n’

jaehwan turns briGHT RED

‘haha what do u mean i have no idea what you’re talking about buddy sorry’

‘bro;;; are you blind she likes you back’

nobody has ever seen jaehwan whip out his phone quicker

in a moment of madness he dials your number quicker than lightning and calls you down to the courtyard

minhyun makes his way back to his dorms on his own because he already knows this is too cheesy to watch i mean he could record it for blackmail but jaehwan would probably kill him if he did lol

as soon as you get downstairs with your dressing gown wrapped around you jaehwan kneels down on the floor like romeo-style

‘jaehwan if u have something to say please hurry up my hot chocolate is getting cold-’

‘y/n~~ i have loved you~~ since you gave me five dollars~~ im glad i walked into you~~ or technically you walked into me but still~’

is he really singing his confession? yes. this is jaehwan we are talking about

you’re not sure if it’s because of embarrassment or happiness but you can feel your cheeks heating up

‘jaehwan if this is you asking me to date you, i accept, but please come inside it’s cold lol’

of course he comes in and you share your hot chocolate

from that day on you were the cutest and most EXTRA couple ever

you announce your relationship in the show by playing the cheesiest love songs for an hour

at the end of the year makeshift awards you win the cutest couple award (and jaehwan wins weirdest laugh award, as expected)

you also win best duet award for your daily singing sessions at 1am

all in all you two are super cute and super extra

everyone is jealous but you’re still their fAVE COUPLE

listen i love jaehwan so much okay this made me so soft for jaehwan uGHH anyway i hope you enjoyed and that this wasn’t a disaster lol i’m going to SCHLEEP

[ariesnicolo]

📓!

ok i’ve been obsessing over a nile focused fic that takes place after the movie and it’s just nile exploring and enjoying and grieving and processing her immortality and her new life and spending time w everyone. im cheating w this one lol bc im pasting ideas from my notes app that aren’t coherent bc i write them down immediately when i have even the smallest of an idea about nile

- nile already fluent in spanish when they try and teach her the language post movie and she shares how her neighbors were fluent in spanish and the grandma in the house would watch nile and her brother sometimes after school/nights and nile tells them a little bit about her and how she taught her how to make some recipes and then she and her brother would show her mom on the weekends and it would be nice/sweet family time and eventually nile spent so much time w the grandma that she picked up the language + other people she went to school with + people at her job

- nile watching Vines bc she’s having a bad day and then nicky is like ‘hey what’s so funny. wait why are u crying’ and nile is like ‘i don’t wanna talk abt it just sit and watch w me’ so nicky sits down w her like ‘ok what are we watching’ and nile is like ‘vines they’re funny’ and nicky is like ‘.....you’re watching videos of vines?’ so nile explains and they watch vines and nicky doesn’t get it really but he likes how nile gets happier and laughs for the little clips. and then he’s like “you can talk to me. tell me what’s upsetting you.” and niles like “it’s my moms bday today. she’s 51 today.” cue nile gushing abt how amazing and sweet and dedicated her mom is and how she misses her and hopes she’s doing ok (as good as she can w her daughter recently declared dead) and how she misses her. and nicky just listens quietly while nile grieves for her family and mom and what she’s lost

- going to college- maybe just for a semester? just to see the vibes at first? bc she’s been pulling all nighters for like a week bc midterms and she’s tired and falling asleep any chance she gets so she doesn’t know if it’s worth it at that point (bc we’ve all been there). and nicky is handing her cups of tea while her head is slowly dropping into her textbook and joe is always putting little ceramics of bowls of cute animals or flowers on her desk when she’s somehow not there and andy offers to quiz her but gets sidetracked by how much nile has to memorize and study and how no one person can remember this much- trust me nile i would know-. then she gets her midterms back and they’re ofc good grades and she’s like ‘oh yeah. i can do this’ and enrolls in another semester/full degree program and repeats the whole experience again. flash forward to nile graduating and everyone being in the front row and nicky being embarrassing and taking too many pics and clapping too loudly and joe crying bc he’s so PROUD and andy doing the neck/back of the head hold-smile thing again

- joe & nile - slow day at an art museum just walking around and joe being like “i made that” at every painting and nile having to guess if he’s being serious or not. nile talks abt what she likes in each painting or how she wants to learn a certain style or always wanted to see a certain painting or sculpture or whatever. they go to the gift shop at the end and pick out something super ugly for each other as momentous of the day.

- training w andy- giving axe away. bc yeah

- quynh & nile doing something impulsive together like skydiving bc quynh has lost so much time and isn’t one to turn down an adventure/a good time (not that she was before! but it’s different now) and nile has so much time ahead of her and is willing to try stuff she couldn’t/was too scared to try before she learned she couldn’t die. so they do their impulsive thing together and it’s over and then they’re both laughing hysterically from the adrenaline rush of doing something stupid and dangerous with friends. (bc they’re besties!!!)

- nile sneaking off back to chicago against the advice of everyone and just walking around bc she’s missed it and wants to feel some sense of normalcy again bc her life has been feeling like a lot lately and she’s very overwhelmed. and telling herself over and over to not walk past her house or her prev school or her part time after school job or her high school best friends house or her fav ice cream place. and she doesn’t so she just keeps walking and eventually ends up at a graveyard and she knows it bc it’s where her dad’s headstone is so she just walks toward where she knows it is and then she sees her own headstone next to her dads. and then she just collapses and falls to her knees on the ground and cries and cries for her family for her lost life for her former life for her former self. for her. nile gets to grieve who she was and what she lost and what she can never get back bc of circumstances beyond her control and there’s nothing she can do and it’s not her fault and it’s not anyone’s fault. but she cries and it’s okay that she cries and it’s good that she cries. it’s healthy and she deserves to feel whatever she wants and if she wants to sob at her own grave to be able to keep walking then that’s what she’s going to do. she eventually gets back up and leaves the graveyard and just keeps walking around.

[matthew-eleventhirty]

hi so it very early in the morning and the time is just flying. i think i might just pull an all-nighter and figure out my life in the am. but in the mean time i wanted to catch up a bit. so i paid off my credit card bill, well not completely but i have the cash i just dont want to pay it until i get paid next week- just to make sure i have enough to get through. also this boy ive had a crush on for about a year now is single? i guess? and i was actually excited? like i have been talking to a few guys over the course of the past months, but hes the only one that im really concerned about. which translates to the only one im sexually attracted to as well as just truly caring. like ofc i want all the guys i talk to to love me, but i need to be lovey and genuinely believe in them. what im trying to say is if i could give every guys ive ever talked to great or bad a hug i would, but who would get the longest cuddliest hug is this kid ive formed an undying love for... he makes me smile always.

the unfortunate part is hes losing interest in the girl and a part of why is because of their distance. hes away and shes at the same school im at. :) ill have to be okay with that i guess. it was cute thinking that was going to be a thing for a second but lets be real its never good timing. i just think hes such a good boy. he cares about me hes smart but if were going to get specific i think he needs to find his drive again. i can be projecting but cant bullshit a bullshitter right? also hes very handsome like subtly big muscles and an adorable lil face with a cute lil gap in his front teeth.. ok im very into him. 

but i have been busting my ass in work and the money flow has brought back a bit of productivity. i earned about 2k over the past two weeks. i had $40 in my bank account.  maybe.. i want to get my shit together i want to enjoy what i am learning again and from that i think i might just take my time with school for the next three semesters. i have only a few more classes i have to take and possibly retake so i want to spread that around. i want to be careful with myself but stay on top of myself as well.

speaking of money tho, i have two shifts as a bartender coming up in a week and i have been telling everyone i know to come by. from the talk of other bartenders i already have a jump on an actual shift i just have to bring the people and not fuck up martinis on a saturday. im so excited because if i can pull this off and actually get a shift.. i might have a set $400 a week AT LEAST. and that could mean my boobies are here! like so much could be paid so easily and people would want me to cover and i might be able to pull jillian up and push myself into a shift. 

there are so many moving parts and none of these parts are moving quick enough or in the direction i thought theyd be goin in but hey what are ya gonna do. im taking my time doing it day by day and enjoying the people i see around me.

my mom told me i didnt have to look at my grades if i get a social worker. sealed a deal w the devil. goodnight and hopefully the next time i write things are even better than now! (in a bittersweet way) 

[intergalacthicc]

taking a gap after grad

as much as college had been a very memorable experience for me, i really don’t wanna go back to it. i’ll surely miss it though. i feel like college bombarded with me life lessons more that the lectures i had to take to get my degree. college was such a roller coaster ride. there was no easy way out. the most emotional times i had in college was during the last few weeks of thesis-ing and the last few weeks of our final semester. both drained the shit out of me. idk if this is my leo sun talking but it really did. maybe i suck at channeling my outer feelings as well. most of the time my friends would see me loud and full of energy. i was more emotional when i was in high school. in college, i suddenly became programmed to ignore and suppress all the creeping feelings of dread. i enjoyed being the person who tries to cheer people up. i really forgot how to be sad most of the days. i literally felt numb at some point of my college life. specially when i’m working on a plate and i had to beat a deadline. i didn’t care about myself at all. i always forget to take care of myself. it feels as if my body was disassociating with my inner workings. i’d just let it work and work and work until i pass the goddamn plate. i also had extracurricular activities on the side, like pageants and stuff. it was definitely one for the books but i also felt numb that time. i would get criticisms about my body, my height, and my overall ~beauty~ but i wouldn’t feel a thing, i wouldn’t get hurt. 

but then there were times (a lot actually) when i cry out of nowhere. i’d bawl my eyes out. sometimes my friends get to see this. i cry the most during situations when it’s not necessary. it’s like i’m a floating balloon and suddenly i had to burst out all the helium in me. maybe that was my whole being telling me to be more cautious with handling my feelings. it was telling me to become better at channeling my emotions. i kept keeping it all in that’s why it comes out during the unnecessary situations. that’s why when i cry. I CRY. i cry like my lungs are about to deteriorate from my ribcage. it felt like i was having panic attacks. 

as icky as this may sound but i also felt a deeper form of affection during college. i don’t wanna get into details with that anymore because i ain’t got time to reminisce. THAT HELL OF AN EXPERIENCE DRAINED THE SHIT OUT OF ME AS WELL. i wasn’t complaining at all but damn, going through the first half of senior year was like carrying two persons during the entire time. i had to set aside my own feelings and emotions because i greatly valued this other person’s feelings. i was kept in denial for quite a while that i’d allow someone to have so much power over my happiness. but after some time, i learned to accept the fact that i, indeed, wasn’t thinking clearly. i blame it all on the endorphins. eugh. i thought i was overreacting with the sadness i felt after that but research says that getting over someone causes the same thing alcoholics or a chain smokers would feel when they are withdrawing from their vices. it was like withdrawing from the high. withdrawing from that overwhelming feeling of happiness and carrying on with the life you had before it. god it really drained the shit outta me.

oh man. the last few weeks of college was also pretty intense. our senior retreat was the highlight though. whenever i remember it, i would get a little sappy and sad because it was like we were making the most out of everything because we knew well that our days of being altogether kept inside the four corners of a classroom are numbered. i love this people. i’m forever grateful that i had the best people by my side to get through the everydays of our college life. i genuinely hope that all of them would get to where they want to be. fuck time. they can take all the time they need to grow. as long as they won’t loose their drive, they will get to the finish line. we all will. idk what that finish line is. we all have our own versions of it but i just really wish for them to grow into even better human beings. i love them with all my heart.

after the retreat came the (idk what to call it) part. oh man, it was just a disaster. all the feelings i suppressed for four years came crashing down on me. ALL OF THEM I TELL YOU. the moment i came home from the baccalaureate mass i just broke down in front of my mother. i didn’t know why. i was so full of energy during the bacc mass but when i came home i felt the heaviness of the weight of all the emotions i felt. i didn’t know what’s wrong with me. i was a burrito of chaotic emotions. i was feelings blue, feeling useless, feeling withdrawn from the world, sad, anxious, scared, and more. this didn’t take only a few days. i felt it until grad and even after grad. i was starting to get scared. i’ve withdrawn myself even from my family. i would lock myself in my room most days and i would just bawl my eyes out. i bailed on my highschool friends when they went out for a lunch celebration because my eyes were sore as fuck. one time i survived a day with only eating a few meal. i know i had my parents worried. i was so down. i was told not to invalidate my sadness just because it’s not that drastic. but i really felt bad for being so so down. i feel like by this time, i should just be grateful. but no, i was lost. i was panicking because i spent 4 frickin’ years trying to get to this point but when i got to it. i felt empty. i was left questioning myself “now what?”

all throughout, my parents were supportive of me. sometimes they’d get pissed at me for acting so irritable and moody but most of the times they treated me so gentle. idk i’m just super grateful for them. i wasn’t pressure to become someone i am not. they were aware that i was going through such a tough time after college and they would try to talk me out of it. i feel bad for turning my back on them sometimes. i also feel bad for letting them worry because i have’t eaten a meal yet during an entire day. my mother even advised me to seek help already. it was that bad. 

right now, me and my parents are having a debate whether i’d work right away or take the time off for a few months until november (because i have an out of the country trip on november and it’s either i drop that trip in exchange of work or i would take a gap first). my parents are so supportive of me taking a break first. my mama’s aware that i wasn’t ~emotionally and mentally~ ready yet for the employment life. she really was the one who saw me at my most stressed state during college that’s why i get that she wants me to take all the rests and unwinding time i could. we had to argue on this because i wanted a job already, i’m a fast paced person. i wanna get sum work done always. but then i realized i can’t leave my work  for that trip i got scheduled. so i would have to cancel the trip. but then i remembered that i want that eat.pray.love julia roberts moment. i wanna travel. i wanna soul search. 

5 months gap. oh god. 5 months of being a bummer. but my parents are so supportive on this so it’s a relief knowing it’s okay for them. i guess i need this too. some people wouldn’t understand why i’m not getting a job yet but i know myself better. i know what kind of emotional mess i’ve been through. i think i deserve half a year as a break. no haste, i guess. i can have some freelance job on the side so i don’t regress to laziness. as cliche as this may sound, but i really need to realign my goals, to reignite my old passions, to heal, to discover more about the specific career i want, to do things i haven’t done when i was busy pulling off all nighters. just a few days ago, i discovered that i was 0.04 points away from getting latin honors. it sucks knowing i was that close. and honestly, i’m just tired of trying, of putting everything aside for the sake of good grades (maybe i am grade conscious, i really wanted to bring my parents up the stage even i they keep on saying that they don’t mind huhu). so now, fuck it. for once, i don’t wanna care. i just wanna hakuna matata. i’m gonna savor the few months of having no worries (except for this project im doing right now lol). F U C K  I T. I’M ABOUT TO HAVE MY EAT.PRAY.LOVE MOMENT.