#the second one is a nightmare because I redrew this pose SO MUCH

[bread-is-my-life]

A lot of random stainmight sketches/doodles/ideas yada yada Posting those because idk if I can cook today and I just want to post at least smth ദ്ദ�� ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ )

[jinxxedmisery]

I did a quick little sketch (by quick, I mean it took me like 2 hours lol) I still struggle with feet and shoes...

I just saw a pose on pinterest and thought omg, what if Astarion and my tav... but he's biting their thigh 🤭

Ofc, I had to name it.. thirst... and I added the "Happy" symbol to kind of cover a sketch I did on the same page... You know... it wasn't originally supposed to be just one piece, I was practicing poses and I liked this one way too much to just leave it or risk messing up when I redrew it.

This is entirely self indulgent.. and intended to be Spawn Astarion because he's so babygirl 🥰😘😍

🤣 also I don't think I posted but I got through the Cazador fight not too long ago.. and

Spoilers and dumb ramble ahead:

For most of my day, I sat there wondering how the fuck I would beat that bastard... he was one shotting Shadowheart with his fucking lightning bolt, then sending his gas minions after the survivors. Astarion being in the ritual made it 10× more difficult.. so... I cheated... and fuck... It should have been obvious...

I LITERALLY FORGOT FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING DAY THAT VAMPIRES ARE WEAK TO SUNLIGHT.. I blame Astarion and his parasite as well as Alucard for that one honestly.. the day walker thing kind of made me forget that omfg immunity to daylight is an exception, not the rule..

So I felt stupid.. once I got that, it was so much easier.. oh and almost constantly had Astarion in stealth kill mode until Cazadick was gone.

Also side note.. the VA for Cazador is perfect.. Like they really sells the "I'm a pathetic little worm, and your worst nightmare, fear me while I bitch and cry" LOL and again that's a compliment.. Larian really succeeded in making an evil character extremely grating and hatable which again, a good thing, not a bad thing.

The heartbreak I felt though afterwards when Astarion screams and cries.. God.. the second I got to this scene, I KNEW I couldn't let him ascend, doing so would be so cruel.. and yes.. this is ascended Astarion slander, I don't like my men too domineering.. maybe a little bit, but not enough to like kill innocent children and eat their hands or some shit lmfao (Doing a durge run too.. where I'm going to ascend Astarion and be a horrible bastard that eats babies) and I don't like that he loses the genuine feelings he has for tav/durge and becomes what he sought to destroy, an abuser.

Now.. the graveyard scene... I had tears in my eyes.. Honestly, the reason I love Astarion so much is because he is quite relatable. I will not go into detail, but I was.. SAed and abused as a kid. And honestly.. Seeing the bit where he scratched out his death date, made me feel hope.. for myself... For my own healing.. it truly meant so much seeing another survivor of abuse begin anew, find themselves again... even though I have done that already myself for the most part, I've found purpose, passions, love, heartbreak, etc and I've found some level of beauty in the life. I related quite a lot to the line about sex feeling tainted.. I am at a point where it no longer feels as terrible, I feel genuine enjoyment in it... (Can't do casual sex though.. That would trigger me into a ptsd attack) And I think part of that was letting myself go at my own pace, making sure my partners knew, and having control and the ability to consent and revoke consent at any point. Emotional attachment helped a great deal too.

I've rambled on enough.. but... Let me end this off by saying, If you went through unspeakable horrors at the hands of those who you thought were supposed to protect you, You are not alone, Even if you do not see it now, there is light at the end of the tunnel, keep on living, keep trying to find joy in little things. It does get better, what was done to you was horrible and you did not deserve it. I promise, you will see better days. You will be happy again, even if you feel like the pain will never end, there is always moments of calm.... live for those... live for your pets, live for your friends, the people around you, live for that cute thing you just ordered, live for that movie or TV series you're excited about watching... even the next patch for bg3.. or more Astarion content if that's your reason right now... and take it one day at a time. You will be okay.

If you need to vent out some shit, I'll listen, I may not know what to say or be able to offer comfort, but I will always lend an ear, even to a total stranger if they need it.

That's all from me, goodbye, until my next post.. whenever that will be ❤🖤❤🖤

[spotlightstudios]

I love looking back at old art of mine. I tried do hard to make it just right and took an obnoxiously long time for every drawing. However, I'm much happier with my art now, with a simpler style and more opportunity for me to actually enjoy it rather than staring at it for so long that I hate it by the time I'm done. (aka art rant time, since I can do that here!!)

These four drawings are from within a span of at least two years. To explain, the top two are drawings of Catacombtale!Grillby (or Chance). The one on the left was my first version (an entry to a contest to draw Grillbys), the one on the right I redrew later on. The bottom left is something I drew for a crossover contest last year sometime, involving Dream and Nightmare (Jokublog). Lastly, bottom right is another contest drawing for the concept of an X-Tale oc (I used Ec-4o.Nightmare).

The first drawing of Chance is easily a good example of an attempt to make the drawing look fun and inviting. I've got a decently fund pose, the colors are warm, and there's a simple background. However, I did this Lineless. Why? I don't know, but I don't like it. Plain and simple, this is my least favorite of the drawings pictured because I took so long to meticulously shade and color and it still wasn't worth it. Served it's purpose for the time, but that's it.

The second one of Chance is overall better. I used cooler colors, and by now I kinda understood how to put deoth into backgrounds. The style I used for him is fine too. Here, I hate the posing. His composition in comparison to everything else makes him look like he's about to fall off his stool. His second set of arms look stupid too, since I recall I either forgot them or didn't want to draw more hands, so I just folded them unnaturally. Better, but not my favorite.

The Fnaf/UTAU crossover drawing is my favorite in concept. It's not the best drawing style, not the worst. I'd redo the designs slightly if given the chance. However, the composition and background I'd keep almost identical. I really liked how the background came out for this one (minus the doorway) because I started to paint my backgrounds around this time. The character poses, I like Night's more, but Dream's is good enough for it's purpose. The execution of using two characters with brand new designs works well enough here, but as I said, I took too much time with minimal effort for this to be too good. (Also completely skipped shading in favor of darker colored gaussian blur.)

The bottom right, X-Night, is my favorite of these specific four. The body proportions are clearly more rounded and small, the style of lineart and colors are very simple and bold, and most of the real charm cones from the lighting and after affects rather than meticulous shading or complex backgrounds. There were still things I'd change if given the chance, but this is a perfect example of my mindset at the time too. The other three drawings here were fun, but I drew them with other people's expectations in mind. For this piece? I drew what I wanted to, since it was my (relatively speaking) design and my art. I'm not as active or social on the app I drew these for anymore. So, I'm much less inclined to please the overlords that might've gotten it more popular had I drawn it in a more realistic or engaging style.

Don't get me wrong, I loved being on that site and drawing so much. I like all of the pieces I posted on too. However, this is a good chance to reflect on what exactly I've been doing all this time in the UT Fandom and how it helped me improve my art over the course of just barely 3 or 4 years.

More looks back on this, a continuation, will be coming soon. This is gonna be a long rant I'll probably revisit often just to catalog ideas for redraws, as well as notes for myself. (Not all of it is degrading, because I plan my next one to be about what things I have enjoyed drawing and why, followed by a completely redraw-cebtric post!