#the script is truly atrocious

[justmefeelingtherain]

Rewatching Shadowhunters 8 years later is a Journey™️. But nothing will be more amusing than Matthew Daddario's deadpan acting and Kat's overacting.

[randomfoggytiger]

This RomCom Hater Was Blown Away by What Happens Later

Trailer wasn't my cup of tea; but hooray for David Duchovny and Meg Ryan.

Saw the horrific reviews: in-depth, agreeing with each other. Saw the good reviews: short, didn't do much to advocate for themselves.

Read @amplifyme's praise. Intrigued. Trust her taste. Hunted the movie down.

Adored it.

Despite the constant back-and-forth carrying the scenes forward, this movie is quiet, beautifully so. In spite of nonstop scene changes, conversations, roadblocks, steps forward (and backward and forward), and-- of course-- loud intercom tunes, it doesn't distract from the heart: two mature people easily reconnecting but slowly reopening with each other. The plot holds up and follows all the way through. Excellent acting (of course.) Drama perfectly balanced by characters who act like people rather than written lines on a page. The chaotic "to be continued" resolution amazingly pulled off. The dreaded romcom three-quarter act expertly aced. What Happens Later weaves in reconciliation and grief and healing more than the potentially awkward jitters and "whoopsies!" of seeing an old flame in a (poorly written) reunion; more importantly, it shows that the love between these two people was never gone, only that it had been buried in their denial and mutual inability to put all their cards on the table. Now they do, because now they can.

Speaking of which, this film did not merit the excoriation it got. And that's saying a lot; because, truthfully, I am extremely picky about storylines and characterization and execution of those elements. This was an easy positive; and it baffles me why others rated it so badly. Willa is not annoying and she and Bill do not lack chemistry and the man over the intercom is only mildly a "character" and is not directly addressed by either until more than halfway through act (and even then Intercom Voice doesn't interfere so much as guide the characters with literal signs for them to follow if they choose.) And, no, there isn't a reason to walk out of the theatre right after the 45 min. mark, no matter how many reviews say otherwise (and I'm not going to say they were bots, buuuuuuuuuuuuut they all wrote the same thing, kind of verbatim. Meanwhile, I waited with bated breath as 5 minutes turned into 10, 20, 30, 40, 45... 46, 47, 48; and was simultaneously pleased when nothing "happened" and angered at the injustice of those reviews.) What Happens Later doesn't follow current film trends but it isn't out of style; furthermore, it doesn't feel experimental (though it is)-- flowing along seamlessly from one shot to the next without drawing attention to itself. And it doesn't try to make a statement, prove a point, or be anything other than a top-rate romcom. So, all that's left is... wrong timing? Hollywood disillusionment? Or were the crowds, like me, drawn in by the trailer, expecting a different movie; and walked out when they didn't appreciate what they were seeing?

At any rate, this is up there. Way up there. Highly recommend it to anyone.

[mipsyg]

this is the fastest i’ve ever gotten into something and also the fastest i’ve quit being into it lmfao but i am thankful for the leaks because at least i can process how truly awful that finale is before it airs. i would have been CRUSHED if i watched that with no warning. whoever leaked it really saved my soul bc now i don’t have to watch adrien say he doesn’t know how he’s ever gonna compare to his fucking awful abusive father. fuck whoever came up with those lines btw

i get that adrien’s supposed to be the princess, the damsel in distress, and he needs ladybug/marinette to rescue him all the time blah blah, whatever but my god at least let him be there for it??

i also get why chat noir can’t be there, a) that would mean no bugnoire and they obviously really wanted bugnoire (ugly ass design btw but that could just be me being bitter) for the final fight b) he could very easily get akumatized (chat blanc), monarch could literally mind control him to turn against ladybug the moment he realizes adrien is chat (ephemeral) etc etc, ok valid, but let adrien without the ring be there for it? let ladybug send the goddamn text message and have adrien realize he can’t disobey his father and going there as chat noir isnt gonna end well, let him send the ring with plagg, let felix free him and kagami or whatever idc how, like most of the finale could have been kept the same if they really wanted bugnoire to fight monarch by herself but they really couldn’t let adrien be the one trying to reason with his father?????? like ... why IS HIS GIRLFRIEND OF TWO DAYS DOING THAT INSTEADJSDKJD WHO CARES

wouldn’t it have been amazing to see gabriel not mind controlling his slave son to shut up and instead letting him speak out for once? since he’s suddenly so willing to do the right thing for him? since apparently he realizes he was wrong?? adrien can get taken out before bugnoire detransforms if the problem of him being there is the coveted identity reveal (it’s forever ruined now imo like how is anyone supposed to root for the love square after this mess but that’s a topic for another day) that they’re clearly saving for season 16 so people will still have a reason to watch the show.

if the audience is supposed to sympathize with gabriel bc he sacrificed himself so his son wouldn’t be left alone bc of the choices HE made, what’s wrong with adrien knowing both the bad and the good?? if the audience can feel bad for gabriel, apparently only a misguided family man, newly appointed father of the year™️ , why can’t adrien?? let him be conflicted about how his father terrorized a whole city for months bc he was unable to let the past go but also gave his life in the end to solve the mess HE made?? let him be sad and but also thankful that he isn’t gonna be alone and then guilty for feeling like that?? oh wait, if adrien has problems of his own then he can’t be marinette’s perfect sweet boyfriend anymore. my bad, how could i think adrien gets to have any worries and problems apart from trying and failing at being worthy of marinette’s love. adrien standing up for himself? NO! why would he want to do anything for himself when marinette is right there being so amazing and he can just make his whole world, dreams and motivations revolve around her. 🙄🙄🙄

now this finale wouldn’t suck so much if at least there was a cliffhanger of ladybug telling chat noir what really happened, bc that would mean they intended to give the lies and secrecy of the finale a purpose in s6. cause i get why she isn’t telling adrien (like where would she even start lmfao) but why does chat noir not get to know who he fought against for months?? but this not happening makes me think they had no plans for it to be brought up in s6 at all when they wrote that script and it’s truly the end they thought the agreste arc deserved lmao i would love to be wrong but i’m not feeling hopeful. 

the best (worst) part?!?! adrien not finding out his father is monarch is only one of the two enormous life changing secrets he doesn’t get to find out this season. however, i have a feeling his being a sentibeing will be brought up again and he’ll find out eventually but only after he’s been mind controlled some more since his mom, his pseudo-mom, his twin cousin and his gf don’t think it’s necessary to warn him about the importance of those rings. everyone and their mamas gonna be using those rings next season methinks lmfao

anyways fuck this show and i feel sorry for every adrien fan out there that is choosing to remain leakfree and expecting adrien to do anything in the final fight against his abusive father and literal supervillain enemy lmfao you’d think either those would give him a key role in the monarch takedown but uh why would it when marinette can do everything by herself and way better than he ever could. he’ll just take a nap instead.

tales of ladybug and cat noir except when cat noir’s importance to the plot is gonna overshadow ladybug, then bugnoire can do it alone i guess. 

[darylandbethfanforever9]

Daemon and Rhaenyra will be the most hated people after Blood and Cheese. And with good reason, no one liked them.

The framing of the two HOTD trailers are very interesting to me because you really wouldn’t know from either of them that daemon is going to call the black ops to assassinate a six-year-old in the first episode and I genuinely think the internet is going to become unusable in the 48 hour period after it airs 

[johnbottoms]

the netflix subs for doom at your service r SOOOO fucking bad it's insane

[sleepy-spacetronaut]

Info sheet for the Human Bill design + some drawings

*had to censor because I don’t know if it would get me yeeted off Tumblr or not.

The Handyman Bill AU is actually interesting because there are multiple outcome possibilities from there…

For one, I like the idea of Bill exiting the Theraprism to find himself with most of his powers stripped away and be taken in by Soos and Melody to live and work with them in the mystery shack. I can imagine the amount of shenanigans he’d drag the Pines family into.

On the topic of appearance

Ive seen a ton of anthropomorphic Bill Cipher designs over the past weeks, and each has a cool concept with their own specialties (Spoony’s design is particularly notable). My Bill, unfortunately, looks like a middle aged, expired version of the ‘twink Bill’ from around 2015, except with longer hair. This design is different from what I had imagined it to be, so I chose to draw Bill in 3 stages (as a kid, young adult and as a middle aged man. I’ll post his younger form sometimes later) so the character design wouldn’t go to waste.

For the outfit, I just went with what I’ve seen people draw him clothed in and what I thought would look comfortable. I feel like after being trapped in the Theraprism for ‘rehab’, he would be neglectful of his overall appearance, instead of going for fancier stuff like tuxedos or coats and capes, he’d probably enjoy to wear baggy clothes you can easily throw in the washer and won’t require thorough maintenance. (He might look dusty, but he takes baths, I swear—)

They’re a few variations of what he wears while still with the totality of his powers, maybe I will give him another , more elaborate outfit. I have yet to draw a full body version of Bill where I can show his tattoos and scars—currently I must decide on what to do with his face, I have too many single-eyed ocs, and I’d like to add an original touch to him.

When would the AU in which Bill returns take place?

After the Weirdmaggedon occurred, the residents of Gravity Falls were probably still shaken by the amount of strange and atrocious things they experienced. They’re great chances they’d still be triggered when they see cipher script or anything that reminds them of the evil triangle demon.

In the case of my design for him ,and potential fanfiction outline, Bill would have returned into the dimension where the Pines family won two years after the events, so the traumatic events are fresh in their collective memory. So, Bill would be put under intense scrutiny (by everyone but especially Stan and Ford, they’d be mistrustful of him) and be forced to cover up his tattoos when at work…and in general.

Bill would have a certain reluctance to work at the shack, he’d try to scam the customers to get the sales up upon and get caught red handed at it, or try slacking off during his shifts to try to sneak in Ford’s lab in search for anything that could help him restore his power to its former glory.

The highlight of his days would potentially be to annoy the Pines family, bonding with Mabel and Dipper (being let onto their gossip and some activities they do, maybe help out with their studies as well), and ABOVE ALL, to have some alone time at night to stare at the starry sky.

Psychological traits and etc.

As for his personality, he would be a lot less flamboyant, still as sassy as Weber though, perhaps grouchy from being forced to interact with ‘insufferable sentient meat sacks trapped in a cage of bones with a squishy exterior’. From the majority of cases I have observed, Bill keeps a nonchalant attitude, he is fairly collected and only truly lets out his emotions when it comes to fits of anger, jealousy or, in rare cases, sadness (often related to flashbacks of his childhood or his parents in the Euclidean world).

But what if it wasn’t the case? What if instead, Bill, as a human, would be unable to control his emotions? I had a theory that Bill Cipher has a higher pain tolerance while in his triangular, two-dimensional form partially from his powers but also because of his body isn’t entirely physical, and so it may lack several sensory receptors.

His liking for pain may be due to the fact he could barely feel anything (or plainly because he’s a masochist. Who knows.) It would qualify as a new and interesting experience for him, and he is a curious creature who also ‘efs around to find out’.

However, once he gains a physical human body, he will be faced with various problems humans have: muscle pain, bloating, cramps, eye sores, back sores, hair loss, acne, sickness, getting cuts and bruises easily…and never mind gravity, which would be a new inconvenience for a being who used to float almost 24/7.

So Bill wouldn’t be able to control his emotions because of how humans tend to feel a lot,he’d be forced to resort to masking and even then he wouldn’t be able to hold it for long. Plus, when he was a metaphysical shape, he had a bigger pain tolerance by contrast to when he gained a human body with hundreds of touch and pain receptors—Drinking with his eyes won’t be working no more, ouch!

He’d easily get a meltdown because of overstimulation (from the environment, from interaction with people he mostly hates or dislikes, and from being able to feel a lot more sensations than while in his bi-dimensional, triangular form) and have trouble regulating his body.

Additionally, Bill heavily relied on his magic powers to get stuff he needed or to protect himself, but now that a great chunk of his magic abilities would be gone , it would require more effort from him to do anything. And if he ends up activating the remaining power, the constant use of it would always backfire as his human shell isn’t made to contain the pressure of magic, resulting in cramps and stomach issues.

As a final note to this, in the show it had been shown that he is short tempered and easily leans into his emotions (especially anger) but can use his magic in order to ‘blow off some steam’. (Remember Time Baby and his whole squadron of men—except like for Blendin, getting erased?) However now, he cannot blow up a planet just because he’s having a tantrum, so he would most likely just stomp the ground while shrieking like a five year old.

Yes, when put under pressure, the evil Triangle becomes a CRYangle.

P-S. : He’s trying his best, plz be nice to him.

Edit: Woops it’s Blendin , not Baldwin, he’s not bald yet.

[mister-tom-a-dildo-lover]

Since it's a celebartion, can we get something where Tom surprises Harry for his birthday? I see a lot of Harry giving Tom gifts or surprising Tom but never the other way around. Thanks! Any kind of story au will do.

TY! ^-^

Fandom: HP Ship: Tomarry Rating: T-Rated AU: Alternate Universe - Same Timeline, No Voldemort TAGS: Birthday, Fluff, Pre-Relationship

~.O.~

The Point of Invention

It was going to be Harry Potter's birthday, and Tom had been invited to the party. And yes, it was considered a party because unlike many of the pompous Pureblood families, the Potters didn't host balls or fancy dinners where everyone was supposed to judge each other in respectable silence. It was just a party. A very muggle approach to such an event as well.

Harry had sent Tom the invitation personally, and he knew it because Harry's script was atrocious and very easy to differentiate between the writing of others. Theodore Nott had also received an invitation to the party and his invitation was made almost exactly the same except the words inside were all typed out perfectly, whereas Harry chose to leave Tom a personal note, which had to mean that he favoured Tom over the other potential guests.

As an orphan with nothing really to his name, Tom had to improvise on gifts.

He could not purchase anything that Harry would not already be able to purchase for himself. And Harry was incredibly intelligent and talented, so it wasn't as if he needed assistance with his classwork. Harry's mother, father, godmothers, godfathers, and other extended relations that weren't directly of the Potter line, all possessed Masteries in their chosen fields, so Tom had nothing to offer on whatever it was Harry decided on for his future as those in his life already had more information than he could hope to provide.

It was difficult, he'd admit.

To be perfectly honest, at least in the depths of his own mind, Tom hadn't really cared much about his own birthday, or the birthdays of pretty much anyone else at Hogwarts. The most ever he put in was getting everybody in his year's dorm room, gloves and a scarf, every Yule. He didn't put in any effort beyond that.

But this was Harry James Potter. Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, member of the Famous Witches & Wizards Trading Cards Club and Frog Choir, defeater of the Dark Lord Grindelwald, and currently the holder of the highest Defense O.W.L. grade in Magical Britain's history. It would feel wrong to give him an unimpressive gift. He wanted Harry's regard above all others after all. He had to prove to Harry that he was worth knowing.

Which meant Tom had to get creative.

Magic could do many things, and Tom's control of his magic was leagues above most everyone in Hogwarts, even the majority of the professors included.

If Tom put his mind to it, he'd succeed at anything.

And since he decided he wanted Harry Potter's attention and admiration, there wasn't left for him to do, but create. Harry wasn't swayed by Tom's pretty face, so maybe Tom's brilliance would say him instead.

~.O.~

"Tom... did you make me a magical mobile phone?" Harry asked, staring at the boxy item in his hand. It was decently heavy, but one side was completely made of smooth, obsidian glass.

"I tweaked the basic idea. As Two-Way Mirrors were also inspired by muggle creations, but can take a long time to react, I felt they were insignificant. Presently, muggles have advanced their mobile phones to be touchscreen-capable, carrying functioning cameras that can take both photos and videos, and connecting to the vast information highway of the internet. I have not figured out how the internet truly works in order to replicate connecting to it safely without placing our existence in danger, but this device can at least take photos and videos, as well as connect to the six others I have created for you to share without whomever you wish.

"The connection is instant, and they can record basic audio as well. Now, there is a connecting piece of equipment much like a muggle television. If you take a photo or video, you insert this cartridge into the device to copy it. You will then, much like a tape player, insert the cartridge into this slot under the big screen, and you will see/hear what your camera recorded."

Tom proceeded to, presumably, take a photo of Harry with one of the other 'phones', remove a cartridge from the base of the 'phone', and then insert it into the 'television'. Harry's baffled face was displayed in full colour, as well as the gaping people surrounding him at the party.

Somehow, in an attempt to create a birthday gift for Harry, Tom had managed to discover how to make photos appear in colour... with magic. They'd suffered with black and white and sepia photos for decades because magicals couldn't crack the secret behind colour photography.

After that, Tom demonstrated how to place a call, showing how well the receiver and speakers worked on the 'phones' he's created, and how Harry could use the camera, much like a smartphone in the modern muggle world, to start a video call. Like a more advanced Two-Way Mirror basically. And the screen was rather sizeable too.

A glance to the side showed his parents openly gaping, although his mother looked especially interested, eying Tom's inventions with eager eyes. She probably wanted to know what Charms he'd used. Or if he'd used Charms at all.

This was the most effort Tom had ever put into anything besides his grades and his reputation. They were friends of many years, and Harry admired him a lot, but to go to the trouble of improving upon an existing invention so Harry could use it to stay in touch with his loved ones more easily... That was far more than most would ever do.

This wouldn't benefit him in any way, yet he still went and did it. And it had to have taken him ages to work through considering his summer job took up half of his free time.

Distantly, he recalled that one time, Harry's mother Lily had informed him that in life, he should surround himself with those who 'loved him to the point of invention'.

Tom hadn't said those words specifically, but what else could it be? What else could he be saying with such a thoughtful gift? What else could he mean when he dedicated himself to learning how phones and televisions were made so he could replicate them magically?

Harry felt a sprig of warmth bloom outward from within, and he couldn't help but smile at Tom winningly. He then decided to tease Tom a little by kissing his cold cheek and making his face go bright pink with sudden warmth. "You're very sweet, Tom."

...And he might have broken Slytherin's future Head Boy. Just a little bit.

~.O.~

A/N: Thanks for reading! ^-^

Check out my Tomarry/Harrymort fics on AO3!

Watermelonsmellinfellon(Mister-Tom-A-Dildo-Lover)

[Ko-Fi]

[ponett]

I have now finally seen the Mario movie. It was Pretty Good. Here are my wordy thoughts on it. (I am going to spoil the entire movie. Duh.)

In many ways, the Mario movie does what I wish the first Sonic movie had done. They just took the characters and the premise and the world from the games, and made it a straightforward animated adventure movie. It's bright and colorful and remixes things JUST enough to include fun elements from multiple games, and it doesn't make Mario get adopted by James Marsden or whatever. It even has the music!

That's all you really need, right? Right...?

I'll get this out of the way up front. Chris Pratt was fine. He's fine

If anything, it really feels like they did the movie a disservice by letting us hear so little of the Mario voice in the previews. It took one scene for Pratt to disappear into the role for me. It was totally fine. If anything, I found Charlie Day's normal voice coming out of Luigi WAY more distracting, even if I did like him in the role.

Everyone else was pretty good, for the most part. Jack Black was obviously very good as Bowser, but I'm biased. Seth Rogen does the Seth Rogen laughs as Donkey Kong, but I thought DK was fun, too. (I liked his little rivalry with Mario where he was just constantly giving him shit.) The only casting choice I truly hated was Fred Armisen as Cranky Kong. I hated every line that came out of his mouth. He sounds atrocious. Just the worst. I swear to fucking god if they do a DKC movie and we have to hear him for 90 minutes

I did think Peach was lacking, but that was on the script, not Anya Taylor-Joy's performance. It's cool to see Peach fight, but it's one of those all too common instances where the writers put so much effort into making the main girl kick ass and be an effortlessly confident girlboss that they forgot to give her an actual personality. Not that I'd point to Super Princess Peach and its mood swing superpowers as positive representation or anything, but there's a happy middle ground, surely. Shrek was 22 years ago, just having the princess do flying kung fu kicks isn't enough.

Okay. With the voices out of the way, let's talk about the big picture:

It's way better than the words "Illumination Mario movie" implied, and I mostly enjoyed my time with it. The spirit of Mario is there 100%. But I'd also describe it as "ruthlessly efficient."

This was perhaps the main complaint critics had, and they were absolutely right. People have responded to these totally average reviews with "Well, what did you expect? Shakespeare?! It's MARIO!!" Like, yes, I would prefer it if the movie I paid to see had writing that was good instead of bad. What a shocker. My issue isn't that it's not "high-brow" enough. The problem is that it feels mercenary. It feels like an editor went through and deleted almost every line of dialogue that isn't some form of exposition, at the expense of the pacing. Any scene that's not a montage or some sort of action is kept as short as they could make it, with barely any room for embellishment, character interaction, or anything other than the bare minimum word count to hit all the typical Save the Cat Hollywood screenwriting 101 story beats to the letter. There aren't even as many jokes as you might think (and the ones that are there are extremely hit or miss, including a lot of the slapstick with Mario himself).

Mario and Peach's little arc together in the front half of the film is probably the worst example of this pacing. Even having read reviews that complained about how fast Peach goes from meeting Mario (by her admission the first other human she's ever met) to deciding to train him as the new savior of the Mushroom Kingdom, I was SHOCKED at how fast it was. They don't even lampshade it.

Peach takes Mario straight into the big training sequence where he learns how to use mushrooms and jump over platforming obstacles. Peach is apparently already a hypercompetent platforming pro and a great fighter, so there's no clear reason why she's taking the time to train this random guy to be half as good as her when the world is in danger. Then they set off on their adventure, Toad joins them, and we get a VERY brief travel montage. It's about thirty seconds total - just long enough to give Peach a line about how she wants to protect this beautiful world of hers to try and give her some stakes. We get the genre-mandated nighttime campfire heart to heart, which is exactly long enough to have Mario say he misses Luigi and to have Peach give the two sentence summary of her origin story and not a second longer. Then they reach the Kongs, and their big journey is complete. (They barely interact for the rest of the movie.) So much of the movie is like this - always ready to get on to the next scene as soon as a new one starts.

I'm not criticizing the script because I expect The Super Mario Bros. Movie to be a prestige drama - although there are certainly halfhearted attempts at a dramatic arc. The stuff with Mario's family was a fun enough idea, but again, ruthless efficiency. We get one quick scene with them at the start to give Mario some pathos, because I guess Save the Cat said he's gotta have some pathos. And then Mario gets his dad's approval amidst the action of the final battle in Brooklyn to resolve his arc, just so the movie can end as quickly as possible once Bowser is defeated. (Despite now having the approval of their family and their community back in Brooklyn, Mario and Luigi move to the Mushroom Kingdom off-screen without a single word dedicated to this decision, because that's where they live in the games.)

Look. I am not comparing it to The Godfather. Don't give me that shit. I am not asking for an extra half hour to explore Mario and Luigi's childhood trauma. I am not asking for the complex inner workings of the Mushroom Kingdom monarchy. I know this is gonna be a basic Hero's Journey adventure for kids. It just feels like it's turning down so many opportunities to have a little fun with the characters, to let them interact and play off of each other, to let there be some adventure on this adventure. This is the first time we've gotten to see these characters interact with fully voiced dialogue in a very, very long time! "Yeah, it's not High Art, but it's FUN!" Stories are fun! Character interactions are fun! The script could be having so much more fun!! It is adamantly against making the Story parts of this story-driven movie any more Fun than they functionally need to be!!!

Mario, Peach, and Toad's journey to find the Kongs is shorter than the training montage that precedes it. After the opening, Bowser mostly just sits in his castle and waits for the third act to start. Luigi's there, too, but he only gets one scene with Bowser and then the movie mostly forgets he exists until the climax. He doesn't even get to try and sneak out of Bowser's castle and get up to hijinx. He's just there to be a motivation for Mario, so he sits in a cage for half the movie. It's the bare outline of a script with action scenes added in.

Aside from the fact that it's Jack Black singing as Bowser, I feel like this overly-efficient script might be part of the reason why the "Peaches" scene stands out so much. It's a moment that didn't strictly need to be there to keep the plot moving or to provide an action setpiece. It's not even a reference to another Mario thing. It's just a fun and memorable little character moment that's there for its own sake. That's what the movie needed more of. To stop and smell the roses more often. To play in the space.

To be clear, this isn't a unique problem with this movie. Critics have been noting for years that second acts are disappearing from big Hollywood movies in favor of the Act I plot setup and the Act III action, even though Act II is supposed to be where you get to explore your actual premise. And lots of animated movies give me this exact same vibe of being too "screenwriterly," or feeling like they had an executive breathing down their necks and demanding changes based on focus testing. But these common issues are why I come away mostly feeling like the movie is on the better end of "average," rather than totally blowing my mind. You have seen this movie many times before, just not with Mario in it.

And, of course, there's the music. The score by Brian Tyler based on various classic Mario and Donkey Kong tunes (frustratingly all attributed to Koji Kondo) is absolutely beautiful, but it's unfortunately frequently overshadowed by the licensed music. Everyone already complained about things like the use of Take On Me in place of a lovingly arranged DKC medley, but it feels illustrative of the tug of war the movie is caught in the middle of, between wanting to be a lavishly faithful Mario movie and wanting to be a generic tentpole animated adventure movie. Every single licensed song used is the most obvious, overused song they could have picked for the scene. It reeks of cynical executive meddling and it took me out of the movie every time.

But there really was a lot of care and love put into this movie - more than probably any other video game movie ever made, not that that's a high bar. I don't want to underplay that too much amidst all my complaints spurred by the absolutely insane response to the reviews.

Aside from the countless background references that people will be picking apart for years, touches like the Captain Toad tune playing in the background of Toad's introduction or the Mario Kart 8 menu music playing in the kart garage really help bring it to another level of authenticity. I also enjoyed seeing some more obscure Mario enemies that felt like they were picked more for being fun to animate than for being nostalgic and marketable. No matter how many times I sarcastically pointed to the screen and deadpanned "reference. reference." I am not immune to noticing these things and smiling. I am not immune to the DK Rap. These alone don't make the movie good, but it's nice to have a video game movie that feels like it was made by people who like video games.

Most importantly, the animation is great throughout. It's leaps and bounds ahead of other Illumination work, and it's the best the Mario cast has ever looked. They even made Donkey Kong handsome, somehow. They're all so squishy and expressive, and they move so fluidly - especially in the action scenes. I particularly liked the more kinetic ones like the aerial Banzai Bill chase and the Mario Kart sequence. Truly, the Mad Max-inspired car battle on Rainbow Road where Mario literally does the speedrun shortcut is this movie firing on all cylinders.

Other, more hand-to-hand fights nail the Popeye-esque vibe Mario should be going for. He's an underdog who gets the shit kicked out of him by bigger, stronger opponents until he gets his signature powerup and turns the tables on them. My favorite animation of all probably came from the use of Cat Mario to turn the tide in the DK fight. They had so much fun making Mario move like a cat. Again, it feels like a choice made because it'd be fun to animate rather than just a nostalgia move.

It's that animation and that attention to detail that carry the film, really. They elevate it from mediocrity into being a fun watch for a fan like me, albeit one I couldn't help but pick apart with Anthony as we watched it at home. I'm glad I saw it, but there's a lot of room to improve with the inevitable sequel. I hope they do. I can't deny that I had fun with the movie, but I hope next time that fun is partially because of the script instead of in spite of it.

Stray thoughts:

Overall, I would say I enjoyed the movie a lot more than Sonic 1, but probably not as much as Sonic 2. Not that these movies need to be pitted against each other.

I hated the Luma. I hated how hilarious they clearly thought the Luma was. They have the fucking Luma break the fourth wall to end the movie and start the credits. This is going to be a deep cut for fans of bad animated films, but the whole time I was just thinking of the little fish from Romeo & Juliet: Sealed With A Kiss who's just the director's kid saying random nonsense. You know I'm right

I rolled my eyes at the "our princess is in another castle" joke and several other jokes that would have been dated in a gamer webcomic 20 years ago but I guess they had to be there

How much of Brooklyn did Bowser's giant floating castle take out? We know 9/11 happened in this universe because the Freedom Tower is there, hasn't New York been through enough

I can't believe there's a Diskun easter egg

The dog is the most Illumination character design in the movie. It felt like it wandered on set from The Secret Life of Pets

Mario being a gamer and playing Kid Icarus of all things just made me remember this tweet:

Yes Anthony did get mad at me for being thirsty for Bowser

[thephantomcasebook]

Martin's post really solidified the fandom divide and even channels that are trying to smooth things over are getting blacklash. And while I knew Ryan becomes very full of pride, and so he probably will not change his plans, I also think about how much hbo needs this show to not fail. So I wonder if this will affect S3 somehow, and they will try to curse correct at least the Maelor and Alicent stuff.

Nope, not a chance.

Condal is backed by HBO, under the false assumption that his plans are popular. Condal - if he takes anything from the backlash - will believe that the reason everyone hates Season 2 is because we didn't have any battles and the season got cut off.

Because of his false assumption that he and Sara Hess's scripts and ideas are genius, he'll stuff Season 3 with action and battles to try and make up for what he perceives as what the audience wants.

In reality he'll take HOTD right into a meat grinder that is reminiscent of Season 7-8 of "Game of Thrones". In which he believes now that he has all the characters established and down therefore he can put character development on the backburner to put his foot on the gas and rush into The Dance.

Condal and Hess are a mixture of pettiness, stupidity, and arrogance. They'll never course correct and GRRM turning against them and their vision will be soothed by the studio that has historically learned all the wrong lessons in the past - which is why they're 50 Billion Dollars in debt.

Condal, in his heart, truly believes that he's right and the fans, the hardcore fans, and GRRM are wrong. Not only that, he thinks that CGI Dragons going "Pew! Pew!" at each other will sate the normie audience enough to carry his show that is sinking under bad premises and atrocious character writing.

Alicent and Rhaenyra will be the focus of Season 3 in King's Landing - which literally no one wants. Daeron will be a footnote as a way of punishing the hardcore book fans and GRRM for pushing so hard for a character that he nor Hess wanted in the show. They'll axe Maelor from existing to protect Rhaenyra. And it'll be over all mindless garbage with CGI Dragons fighting so that retards in a bar can make monkey chatters at every cheap pop.

[glitterypin]

eh, what the hell, this isn't the most embarrassing thing I've posted on Tumblr anyway

so, here it is:

I actually wrote a fic! Probably the first fic I complete since I was thirteen, which I'm super excited about. I have a truly impressive and ever growing collection of first paragraphs of stories, scripts and fanfics that I've accumulated in my 29 years on this earth and yet the completed works could be counted on my fingers, so they all deserve a little celebration. Well done, me, you actually finished a one-shot. Crazy!

It's good old whoffaldi (aka twelve/clara for those of you who have turned your back on obscure portmanteaus, I assume you are all zoomers btw) and more than half of it is just smut, so don't read unless you're into precisely that. (Very vanilla, if you're wondering, no kinks or warnings or anything.)

Also, big thanks to baby sis @nastasya--filippovna for doing beta reading and catching a couple of atrocious typos, thank you for helping me save face, sis, I appreciate you more than you know!

Honestly, I wouldn't care if it was complete and utter shit (which I don't think it is, I think it's perfectly decent mid-tier for the casual reader), I'm just super excited I ACTUALLY FINISHED A STORY, DO YOU KNOW HOW NEVER THAT HAPPENS? THIS IS AN ACHIEVEMENT.

So there you go.

[oneinathousand]

I recently found a pdf of an alleged Blood Meridian movie script written by a guy named William Monahan for Ridley Scott's attempt to make the movie, and let me tell ya, it is truly something else. At first, I refused to believe that it could be real because of some atrocious dialogue and truly baffling changes from the novel. I thought that it MUST have either been written as a prank or it was an amateur trying to pass it off as real, but on Twitter I talked to the guy who leaked the script online in the first place and now I'm more inclined to think that, unfortunately, it was legitimate.

Below are screenshots of some of the worst parts. You'll notice that a lot of the text is in red, but I think it must have been somebody on the Cormac McCarthy forums, where this comes from, highlighting some of the differences from the book, but this was the only pdf I could find so whatever. I also put in a few handwritten notes to express my frustration haha.

If you want to look at the full thing yourself, you can find it here, but I should warn you in advance that on top of the usual Blood Meridian type of violence that you would expect, the screenwriter also put in a sprinkle of random homophobia and underage sex which was NOT in the book and I will be showing those screenshots last with another warning so you know where they are in the script and can avoid it if you want to.

Okay, this part gave me a chuckle. Maybe it's not the best time for a joke from the Judge, though:

These next two come from the ending, which, if you were already aware of this script's existence, you probably heard about because it's the most infamous part. For those who don't know, the screenwriter decides to put in a bizarrely happy ending where the Kid slays the Judge in the jakes and adopts Randall, the brother of the boy that the Kid killed in self-defense (and there's no significant time skip in this version, so the Kid is in his late teens at most probably):

This random fucking nugget of homophobia is on page 32 of the script. I have no idea what this was in here for since it never comes up again and the script leaves out most of the children going missing or being found dead along the way:

And here's the Kid having sex because the screenwriter in their infinite wisdom decided that was missing from the Blood Meridian experience, it's on page 70:

So yeah, good thing this particular adaptation never got made. I just picked the screenshots that were the most obviously awful, but the biggest problems with the script are a very rushed opening act that compresses a bunch of story elements and character introductions to the point of confusion plus the cringy saccharine happy ending that was part of the reason why I thought the script was a joke at first. When the script adheres closer to the book, mostly in the middle, it's not the worst thing in the world. It has a few clever bits of streamlining the book and most of the characters sound like themselves, though the biggest problem there is that the Judge feels like a different character.

Someday I hope to read other scripts trying to adapt the movie from Steve Tesich, James Franco, and Tommy Lee Jones to see how each of them tackled the book, though to my knowledge none are publicly available online, but do let me know they are somewhere and you can lead me to it. This particular effort has set the bar very low.

Most of all I want to know if Cormac McCarthy wrote a complete draft of his attempt before he died. If this latest attempt to make the movie falls through, I hope that the script, if it exists, is released to the public so we can see what would certainly be one of the last things he wrote.

[alexiaugustin]

season two of shadow and bone should have shown absolutely every last fucking person that this show is a soulless piece of trash adaptation that doesn’t understand nor gives two fucks about the source material they're allegedly trying to adapt and that the people behind this show were all lying to your faces when they apologized for the things that upset people for 24 hours before season one streamed two years ago, because after all this show still erases the trauma of a woman’s sexual abuse story and they are still sexualizing bisexual people and they are still fucking everything about these characters and their dynamics up.

season one should have upset most people enough to stop stanning this show but during the last two years we have learned that there’s A Lot that the tv industry can do that people won’t care about. an ableist, colorist and fatphobic and age inaccurate casting that hurts people by taking their representation away is something people won’t care about. complex characters being reduced to an inch of what they actually are like so they and their relationship can neatly fit into archetypes, tropes and ao3 tags is something people won’t care about. showrunners getting exposed for having their white stunt doubles do brownface is something people won’t care about. a show having a dumb script that makes everyone on the show look like a fucking loser is something people won’t care about.

and now season two is out and they did everything they already did in season one wrong but it’s somehow still so much worse. after watching season one i felt like the deeply offensive and wrong things about this show were still explainable, season two actually has me at loss for words because of how bad it is. because of how there’s not a single thing they did right about the soc books; not the characters, not their relationships, not their storyline, nor the world they live in. i could give a few examples like the fact that kaz told inej that feeling as if she’s not really free from the menagerie where she was sex trafficked as a child "isn’t her fight anymore, it’s his“ just because pekka rollins owns her now. or the fact that wylan and jesper met via a one night stand and were fucking by episode four even tho they don’t even kiss before the end of ck. or that they turned pekka rollins into a super villain who wants to kill kaz even though the whole point of his role in the books is that he has no idea why kaz has it out for him and he doesn’t care abt these teenagers.

i could explain all these and so many more examples in depth, and still it wouldn’t be enough to capture the the true scope of how bad and truly horrible this show is. and yet. and yet when i log into tumblr dot com or twitter dot com i see gifsets of this show, of the relationships they don’t understand, of the characters they butchered and i'm seeing people rooting for another season of this nonsense. at this point this show feels like a social experiment that’s trying to see how far people will go to defend a deeply offensive and atrociously bad piece of media. and during the last 48 hours i've come to realize that some of y'all will never be able to be pushed too far. some of y’all had their brains rotted away a long time ago when tiktok and ao3 made you believe that media is nothing more than the consumption of aesthetics, tropes and archetypes and that it’s a good thing if these are responsible for the death of art. if you claim to love the book and the show at the same time you are lying to yourself because that is simply impossible. you have, in short, truly lost the fucking plot.

[callmearcturus]

i've never seen someone who hates MI3 more than MI2 before

(NOTE: LONG POST, HIT J TO SKIP)

MI3, how do I hate thee? lemme count the ways

The Filming Itself

the cinematography is atrocious. as Punct and I discussed in our DVD commentary track for MI3, I truly feel like JJ Abrams is aware that shaky cam exists, but not the reasons someone would use it, so the camera is shaking even in sequences it absolutely should not be. it feels to me that JJA was like "the more important/intense a scene, the more the camera should move" and like. jfc.

this is like really important because it makes it literally difficult to understand the movie as its unfolding. there's multiple moments when you lose pieces of the action due to the cinematography. two moments immediately come to mind: Zhen falling out of the helicopter and having to climb back in, and the way the camera completely ruins Ethan's base jump escape from the Shanghai building.

SPEAKING OF, there are only two good stunts in this film. one is Ethan breaking the car with his body on the bridge. which is bc that's shot as a fairly steady pull-back with Ethan running directly at camera. the other is the batshit spidercam full tilt sprint at the end of the movie where the camera holds shot for probably the longest period in the entire movie. everything else is wrecked by the shitty camerawork.

POINT IS THAT THE SHALLOWEST APPEAL OF MI MOVIES IS THE STUNTS AND MI3 HAS BY FAR THE WORST STUNTS

also why the fuck is the camera shaking during normal stationary shot-reverse-shot dialogue scenes, JJ. jesus fucking christ. can I please see the actors ACTUALLY ACTING please?

The Script

kay lets move on from my fiery hatred of the camerawork and onto my fiery hatred of this movie's script. I am a non-professional writer and i could run a fucking clinic on this goddamn script.

lets get the most egregious thing out of the way immediately: this movie tries to make you give a shit about The Team and one of the team members is literally never named in dialogue for the entire runtime of the movie. if you miss the five frame intro card for Declan at the start of the movie, you will never learn that character's name for the entire movie. that's such a fucking egregious fuck-up I almost think I can just say that and it explains The Problem With MI3

BUT THAT'S BORING SO LETS GO ON

I have seen many many people say that their favorite villain in MI is Owen Davian. that's.... fine. but is that because he's just suuuuuch a compelling character, or because Phillip Seymour Hoffman showed up and decided "I'm going to play this guy like an investment banker who went postal one day" and he's PSH and was one of the most naturally charismatic men to live?

IMO they had to get PSH bc on paper, Davian is just the most non-entity of the MI villains. there is no motivation outside of Being The Bad Guy, there's no backstory, there's a void of a character. even Hendricks from GP has all of those things and he's a villain as plot device.

also why the sweet fuck did he kill his translator. lets set aside the incredible Yikes element of covering an asian woman's face with a white woman's because Yikes but also why the fuck was she being "punished"?

WHICH SEGUES NICELY INTO PLOT CONTRIVANCE BITCHING. this movie is held together with contrivances. the grandest example is the We have to put Ethan in an unsexy bondage mask for this interrogation bc if he could speak in this scene, the movie would fall apart but the entire plot hinges on a moment when the Actual Bad Guy Musgrave literally fucking says

"Did Lindsey figure out I was the bad guy? Did she figure out all these things I did which I will now list for you? Did you the audience she figure that out? No you didn't which is why I am explaining it explicitly to camera." THIS IS. I JUST. FLAMES ON THE SIDES OF MY FACE!!!!!! I find it hilarious how GP presents the exact kind of Excuse Plot but actually does it pitch-perfectly, because it had Chris McQuarrie to actually write it.

The Entire Rabbit's Foot thing. Speaking of McQ, he had a quote that basically cemented my lust for his brain and my desire to absorb his power. fuck it here's the full quote:

"Respectfully, I’m not a mystery box guy. I don’t believe in that kind of storytelling, I feel that that leads to — I understand that it makes for very compelling narrative drive, but it brings you to the end of the movie and it inspires the three great words of cinema, which are: “And? So? OK?” And if you hear any one of those three things, it’s time to go back to the drawing board. I believe that a mystery is only as good as its reveal.”

now this was about Ghost Protocol, not intended as a criticism of MI3 but it sums up the entire problem with the Rabbit's Foot. like, it's a mystery box with nothing in it because... the contents don't matter. in the climax of the movie, you see the Rabbit's Foot and it looooooks like it miiiight be a bioweapon? but it doesn't matter. so the fact that it's VERY LOUDLY a mystery literally has no purpose and never pays off. so to quote McQ again: And? So? Ok?

Oh and that's all just my anger at the Plot Writing of MI3. that doesn't even touch on the character writing.

Character Fuckery

We've already touched on Owen Davian being a void of motivation and on the fact THEY DIDN'T GIVE US THE NAME OF ONE OF THE CORE TEAM MEMBERS lets get into the rest of it

"And did you ever.... sleep with your sister" is the worst line in a Mission Impossible movie and you made Ving fucking Rhames say it. I'm a rehabilitationist but I will make an exception for once if we can send the person who wrote that line to prison forever.

To be honest this entire movie does Luther so fucking dirty it's astonishing. He's here to artificially create conflict. I honestly find it annoying that his Defining Character Trait in MI1 and the thing that drew Ethan to him was his scruples regarding endangering people, and he has like. nothing to say about giving Davian the rabbit's foot. Okay.

THE CRIMINAL WASTE OF SIMON PEGG. Benji gets two scenes in this movie and the second one is.... frankly maybe the singular good bit of fun, engaging character interaction in the whole movie, but to get there you have to weather the Antigod Speech which. I can barely think about with IRL cringing, like my body just has an allergic reaction to the idea. it doesn't help that he's used as the mouthpiece for the Mystery Box of the movie, and we've already established its an empty box that doesn't matter.

(what I find hilarious is that Pegg is an extremely good character writer and I would bet every dollar in my measly bank account that he could have improvised a better version of that speech. god i hate it.)

Ethan and Julia. IMO Cruise and Monaghan carried this movie on their fucking backs and without them putting in the WORK with zero material, this movie would be incomprehensibly worst. Cruise and Monaghan, thank you for your service.

Punct always points out when we watch MI3 that there is a batshit moment in the climax where Julia is strapped to a chair and the camera keeps cutting to her like she's planning something to turn the tables or something but it. never happens? it's egregious and weird how the movie treats her.

actually even as much as I love Monaghan's work here and I'm the kindest to Julia, I feel like the movie doesn't respect her as much as I do. (Punct joked that JJ Abrams doesn't respect women as much as Ethan Hunt does and its hilarious and true.) but the movie keeps being Weird about Julia and putting her in tiddy-licious nighties and gives Ethan a very weird sexy dream sequence about her? and the Mission Impossible that I know and love would have objectified Ethan just as much as her, thank you very much.

Ethan and that goddamn assault rifle.

Actually I want this in its own section

Ethan uses an assault rifle at least twice to my off-the-dome recollection. Luther uses MULTIPLE REMOTE-OPERATED MACHINE GUNS to mow down a factory building. There is a massive shootout on a bridge with a JET FLYING AROUND FIRING MISSILES. Ethan DANGLES A MAN OUT OF A FUCKING PLANE.

In MI1, Ethan Hunt never fires a single shot and only holds a gun on someone once to my memory. Even in MI2, the Stupid One, Ethan is armed but only really gets into one shootout and does a lot of kicking people in slowmotion, which is silly, but My point is that MI3 feels like a Call of Duty campaign with its body count and the way it reframes Ethan's job away from Honeytrap and Spy to Generic Soldier.

and it's fucking boring. all of Ethan's guile moments are clawed out of the morass of him just shooting people, and its devastatingly boring. paired with the REMOTE-OPERATED MACHINE GUNS and the new portrayal of the IMF in MI3, it just feels like.... Ethan is one of the baddies actually? the ppl who show up with three van-mounted machine guns are not the good guys, lmao.

I don't have time to go into the visual design of this movie and how the most interesting locations are so poorly lit you can't fucking see them but we need to talk about the IMF Itself in this movie

I actually have already written my thoughts about the evolution of the IMF through the series and I'm in passionate desperate love with what that evolution signals thematically

B U T the IMF in MI3 is just a fucking crime procedural lab. there is a War Room, there's Meeting Rooms, and when stuff breaks we have The Room Where The Nerds Live. it's just CSI/NCIS/name a stupid show. which fits because IIRC this is JJA's first or one of the first films, and he's a TV man by trade. but by carrying that Weekly Procedural philosophy into MI, it reduces the texture of MI.

the montage of Ethan training Lindsey is the most unintentionally hilarious scene in the movie.

/takes a deep breath

.... is that everything?

NO WAIT I WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE VATICAN INFILTRATION. they put in a lot of work and its easily the most boring infiltration in cinema history. there is no tension, no fun, no improv.

ETHAN HUNT WAS LITERALLY IN A CATHOLIC PRIEST COSTUME COMPLETE WITH THE COLLAR AND THERE IS NOT A SINGLE LINE OF DIALOGUE ABOUT IT. THERE ARE NO JOKES. NOTHING. if this was any of the other MI movies, this would be an opening for some banter and jokes, but THEY FORGOT TO PUT THE ENGAGING TEAM DYNAMICS INTO THE FUCKING MOVIE ARRRRKSJFLSKDJHFKSD

that moment when you can kinda see Maggie Q's vag. wh. what was that.

here's the good parts of MI3

it gave us Julia, and she's still great when she returns in Fallout. even with an actively bad script, she brings gravity and grace to a movie that needs it.

Luther calls Ethan "baby" and it's great and its Luther's only good moment in the fucking movie

Ethan Hunt is at his most autistic in this movie and I love it

Ethan and Benji's second scene actually has patter and character moments and chemistry. that one scene has more character than any other in the entire movie and that's sad but also thank god.

the scene where Ethan is preparing to kill himself and is explaining to Julia how to reload the gun "just like the flashlight in the kitchen" is actually a pristine moment. i wish the camera didn't focus as much on Julia's tits while she's doing CPR but listen. i'll take it.

Ethan blocking communications in the IMF by putting the walkietalkie by the radio is very funny.

Tom Cruise really actually broke the windshield of that car with the impact of his body, goddamn.

jfc I need an Exorcism right now, I might go watch MI1 again just to cleanse

AT LEAST MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2 KNEW WHAT IT WANTED TO BE AND EXECUTED ON THAT. In this house we may not like MI2 but we respect it.

I will fistfight JJ Abrams on sight.

[kiefbowl]

Not the same anon but re : HIMYM. My god. My god I could write a book on the horrid misogyny in this goddamn show. The waving away that Barney is a fucking rapist (rape by deception). The fact that lily went from aspiring artist to breeding housewife to marshal, who of course got to fulfill all of his dreams as a judge while she stays at home, unfulfilled. Ted who is the most boring mediocre man of all time yet expects his perfect little wife to be perfect in every way.

I could BARF anytime I think back on this show

It's actually fascinating to me re: Marshall/Lily that the writers seemed to lose interest in their drama and conflicts. I think one of the big reasons HIMYM was lauded in the first season and really gave it an oomph in the second was the fact that Lily leaves Marshall! It not something typically done in a sitcom, it was very compelling writing and it paralleled nicely with Ted/Robin's story (not only because they got together, but because we the audience know that Marshall and Lily are quote unquote soulmates, and Ted and Robin are not...at least at the time of writing it).

The story role of Marshall/Lily and Barney switch places at some point. The pathos of Barney's character truly doesn't matter in the first two and a half seasons. He's comic relief, he's player C for the B-plot. Very normal in a sitcom, you have five main players so you can pair two characters in the A plot (or the B plot sometimes), and the other 3 characters are doing the B-plot (or sometimes the A plot). One of the five tends to be, you know, the goof guy. He's not integral to the main over arching story, he comes in to be an imp and cause mischief and be a catalyst for some mayhem. Barney is clearly specifically written in that archetype from the very beginning. Now as sitcoms go on, these "fifth guys" do tend to have their role expanded and we will get more insight into the drama of their lives. They rarely get to be "promoted" as Barney did, even if they are a huge break-out character, like Barney was. Sometime the "fifth guy" is so break-out they become the main character, but that tends to make the sitcom very zany!! We're going to sea world! We're going to SPPPAAACE!!! etc. Barney wasn't made the lead, but his story was promoted. Marshall and Lily's dramas were then demoted.

This was a mistake, because Marshall and Lily were given a lot of story lines that weren't appropriate for Ted but fit into the theme of the show (the theme being "how are you still growing up in your 30s in the 2000s"). When should we have a family, what are our careers going to be, what have we lost by being each other's "only ones", did we choose New York, debt...these were interesting story beats for a sitcom.

I also have a conspiracy the writers were secretly torturing Jason Segel. They didn't actually care about Ted and Robin, they just wanted to make PG Saw Traps for Jason Segel. At some point the writers said "fuck our original vision, I personally want to make Jason Segel suffer." In season 8 they made him break the fourth wall (a thing they only did ONCE before to great effect) like six times already!!!! They want to kill that man!!! They wanted Jason Segel to die!!! They made Jason Segel show up to set at gun point and then gave him a doo doo garbage script on purpose!!!

Joking aside, yes it's atrocious they didn't use Marvin (the baby) as a jumping off point for Lily's career story. We had to spend time farting around about Barney getting a dog wing man (painfully unfunny) instead of spending some time with Lily's anxieties again (it's been well established and set up!!) that becoming a mother has put her that further out of reach of her art career. Again, haven't finished, but I don't think they really go back to this story beat.

only theory that makes sense is that they wanted Jason Segel to jump off a cliff and tried their hardest by making the most dookie hot garbage scripts they could think of.

[fyeahvarchie]

oh god remember when we (you know who i am) learned that they had changed the scripts while they were shooting the block of 515/518/519? war flashbacks, we heard that goddamn VEGGIE was coming back while at the same time we knew about "all i want, all i need is archie" on 517 and we were like "lol, no way, those leaks are full of shit".

bas aren't my friends after they've been calling me a bitch or worse for as long as i can remember but i do feel for them when the finale comes (knowing your THREE sources and seeing people doubt you is so funny lol and one of them warned us about s6 not being a varchie season btw) and they get that wakeup call that no, they aren't special to those writers who absolutely give zero fucks to anyone who ever watched their show. i think you were generous telling them beforehand so they have time to process, we had literally two weeks lol. love you 💘

Oh god indeed. Good times.

Well atrocious times actually. But it seems like a lifetime ago.

And we had been so invested in the show again because they found the right way to pull us back in -- only to swerve in one week.

The real tragedy with this show will always be the writers.

Listen, I don't have anything to add in regards to the other stuff.

And frankly, while it's funny to see the meltdown, I don't even wanna give them the time of the day anymore.

They're truly tiring. But I'll be there for the big show~

Love you too.

[djemsostylist]

Having recently watched the Star Wars films again, I decided to also tackle the books again as well. I've read most of what Star Wars has to offer, but there are a few I haven't made it to and a few I feel like I don't appreciate the way I should.

I started with the novelization of The Phantom Menace by Terry Brooks, and I'll be honest when I say I didn't expect much. TPM as a movie was boring, and I figured the novel wouldn't be much better.

I was wrong. I was so wrong, in fact, that I'd say I highly recommend it. See, my chief problem with the prequels is a two-fold one: 1, George wrote a truly horrible story, and 2, George hired truly atrocious actors to be the leads. Ewan McGregor not withstanding, the actors he hired were barely able to handle the script he gave them, let alone bring something more to the characters.

Anakin's fall should be slow, steady, bit by bit and then all at once. He should be Anakin, of course, but he should also be Vader. Because that is the thing about Anakin--he was always Vader. He didn't have a nightmare once and wake up Vader, after having been a good man his whole life. Vader's selfishness, his single-mindedness, his fear, his fixations, his rage, and his desire for power and control were always a part of Anakin, as much as his supernatural ability with flying and machines and his visions of the future. Anakin could be kind, he could be selfless, he could be decent, but all of these aspects of Anakin were always entwined with Vader. And as time goes on, it becomes harder and harder to hide the Vader, to pull on Anakin's face and plaster on Anakin's smile and pretend that the fire that rages always is banked, is controlled, is not waiting to consume. So when he takes those final steps, when he kills Mace and kneels before Palpatine and takes the Temple, we should have seen it coming. Not because we've seen the original trilogy and we know that Anakin is Vader, but because we've seen the Vader in him all along. Because this was always how his story was going to end. He was always going to be Vader, forever.

The problem is that the movies don't really give us that, particularly in TPM. I think George sort of wanted to show this kid's super innocence, and it came across as grossly naïve and also almost cloyingly sweet. The Anakin we get in TPM has no hints of Vader, no darkness, no intensity, none of the vices which will plague him for a lifetime. He's sweet and innocent and pure, in a way that's almost annoying its earnestness. He has little to no agency in his own story--he isn't even a POV character. And Padme, who will one day become his future wife, views him with the same sort of feeling one would expect for a 14 year old girl and a precocious little moppet--she thinks he's cute and childish and that's about it. She likes him certainly, but so does everyone he encounters, because he's a caricature of childhood innocence and naivete. There's nothing to him.

Anakin in the novel comes across as older--I'd put him at 12-13, to the movie's 9. (The book does state that he is 9, but I teach 9 year olds--even an incredibly precocious one would not come across like Anakin). In this Anakin, we see shades of Vader. He lives in a constant state of hyper awareness of both his abilities (which he is fully aware of, unlike in the movie where he seems not to notice his skills at all), and he wrestles constantly with a gnawing fear of losing everything he loves. This Anakin is quiet and thoughtful, and though kind and outgoing, is also prone to fits of rage or moments of utter stillness. When Watto is screaming in his face, Anakin sort of checks out, blank faced and staring until Watto exhausts himself and forgets to scream, ostensibly because he knows that arguing is useless, but also because, I think, he isn't sure what will happen if he fights back. He dreams of a life in the stars, but he can't see a future without his mother. He knows that he has abilities others don't, and he knows enough to keep them to himself. He saves the life of a Tusken Raider in the desert because he feels its pain, but he also beats the shit out of a teenage Rodian (a young Greedo as it would happen) because he is mourning the loss of Padme.

And speaking of Padme, their relationship in this is intense. In the movie, Padme pays about as much attention to him as you would expect, given their age difference. It would be weird for her to be as immediately smitten and attached, and likewise Anakin's interest in her seems childish and unremarkable.

In the story, their connection and mutual interest is instant and intense. From the moment they first meet in the junkshop, they are almost always together, and Padme is as fascinated and drawn to him as he is to her. (Which, coincidentally, fits much better if she is 14 and he is only a little younger). They spend all their time together, and are often lost in deep conversations. Anakin can't stop thinking about her, and she doesn't seem to mind when he holds her hand or tells her that he is going to marry her someday (with a flash of foresight). He sees visions of her in his future, leading an army, older and sadder. She seems to have difficulty leaving him (when she climbs on the Eopi to leave, she doesn't make eye contact and refuses to look back) and Anakin is devastated by her loss. He ends up beating the shit out of Greedo for an unrelated offence, and doesn't even seem to realize what he's doing until Qui-Gon shows up to pull him off.

Later, when he finds out the truth about Padme being the queen, she goes out of her way to find him and make sure he still feels the same about her as he did before. She promises him, on the ship when he gives her the Japor carving, that she will never forget him, the way way she feels about him--even makes a callback to his assertion that they will one day be married.

And this works. It works in a way the movie doesn't, because you get these two people who are both more mature, more grounded than anyone else their age, and they immediately share this intense, overwhelming bond that sort of takes both of them by surprise. It makes sense then, why, meeting years later, they are just as instantly drawn back together.

(In my version of the Clones, with an exaggerated timeline, Anakin and Padme would be on Naboo for close to a year, carefully working to bring about an end to the blockade and invasion, Anakin being trained by Qui-Gon on the dl, and they'd grow ever closer. I'd probably even have their first kiss maybe, during this time--she'd be almost 15, he'd be almost 14 (assuming he's almost 13 when we meet him), and this would enforce their bond.)

My point it, that in the novel, Anakin is intense, smart, deeply connected to the Force, and already aware of his abilities, though not in control of them or truly aware of what they mean. He is kind and thoughtful, but he is also prone to rage and fear, and he struggles with both. He is already terrified of loss, and he struggle with it throughout the novel itself. He also has the intensity that Vader has, the fixation--he's obsessed with Padme from the moment he meets her, and though his obsession is reciprocated, it doesn't make it any less intense. The Jedi, too, are concerned about his rage issues in a way the movie doesn't make clear--so much so that in the book they not only defer making a decision about his training on Coruscant, they expressly forbid Qui-Gon from training him. It's the rage as well as the fear that give them pause.

Overall, the novel sets up an Anakin (and a Padme really) that are believable for the people who they will become. There is an obvious through-line from Anakin to Vader, and it makes for a more cohesive character overall. And having Padme be just as drawn to him from the beginning also helps--their relationship has never been sane or healthy, and that is the point. Two early teens sharing an intense bond that only strengthens with time makes a lot more sense than randomly falling in love with the weird teenager you first met a cherubic child.

I'm curious to pay attention the through lines of this as the novels go on. Up next: Rogue Planet and then The Approaching Storm. (collecting all the novels year ago really was a stroke of genius).