#the mi3 hater has logged on

[callmearcturus]

i've never seen someone who hates MI3 more than MI2 before

(NOTE: LONG POST, HIT J TO SKIP)

MI3, how do I hate thee? lemme count the ways

The Filming Itself

the cinematography is atrocious. as Punct and I discussed in our DVD commentary track for MI3, I truly feel like JJ Abrams is aware that shaky cam exists, but not the reasons someone would use it, so the camera is shaking even in sequences it absolutely should not be. it feels to me that JJA was like "the more important/intense a scene, the more the camera should move" and like. jfc.

this is like really important because it makes it literally difficult to understand the movie as its unfolding. there's multiple moments when you lose pieces of the action due to the cinematography. two moments immediately come to mind: Zhen falling out of the helicopter and having to climb back in, and the way the camera completely ruins Ethan's base jump escape from the Shanghai building.

SPEAKING OF, there are only two good stunts in this film. one is Ethan breaking the car with his body on the bridge. which is bc that's shot as a fairly steady pull-back with Ethan running directly at camera. the other is the batshit spidercam full tilt sprint at the end of the movie where the camera holds shot for probably the longest period in the entire movie. everything else is wrecked by the shitty camerawork.

POINT IS THAT THE SHALLOWEST APPEAL OF MI MOVIES IS THE STUNTS AND MI3 HAS BY FAR THE WORST STUNTS

also why the fuck is the camera shaking during normal stationary shot-reverse-shot dialogue scenes, JJ. jesus fucking christ. can I please see the actors ACTUALLY ACTING please?

The Script

kay lets move on from my fiery hatred of the camerawork and onto my fiery hatred of this movie's script. I am a non-professional writer and i could run a fucking clinic on this goddamn script.

lets get the most egregious thing out of the way immediately: this movie tries to make you give a shit about The Team and one of the team members is literally never named in dialogue for the entire runtime of the movie. if you miss the five frame intro card for Declan at the start of the movie, you will never learn that character's name for the entire movie. that's such a fucking egregious fuck-up I almost think I can just say that and it explains The Problem With MI3

BUT THAT'S BORING SO LETS GO ON

I have seen many many people say that their favorite villain in MI is Owen Davian. that's.... fine. but is that because he's just suuuuuch a compelling character, or because Phillip Seymour Hoffman showed up and decided "I'm going to play this guy like an investment banker who went postal one day" and he's PSH and was one of the most naturally charismatic men to live?

IMO they had to get PSH bc on paper, Davian is just the most non-entity of the MI villains. there is no motivation outside of Being The Bad Guy, there's no backstory, there's a void of a character. even Hendricks from GP has all of those things and he's a villain as plot device.

also why the sweet fuck did he kill his translator. lets set aside the incredible Yikes element of covering an asian woman's face with a white woman's because Yikes but also why the fuck was she being "punished"?

WHICH SEGUES NICELY INTO PLOT CONTRIVANCE BITCHING. this movie is held together with contrivances. the grandest example is the We have to put Ethan in an unsexy bondage mask for this interrogation bc if he could speak in this scene, the movie would fall apart but the entire plot hinges on a moment when the Actual Bad Guy Musgrave literally fucking says

"Did Lindsey figure out I was the bad guy? Did she figure out all these things I did which I will now list for you? Did you the audience she figure that out? No you didn't which is why I am explaining it explicitly to camera." THIS IS. I JUST. FLAMES ON THE SIDES OF MY FACE!!!!!! I find it hilarious how GP presents the exact kind of Excuse Plot but actually does it pitch-perfectly, because it had Chris McQuarrie to actually write it.

The Entire Rabbit's Foot thing. Speaking of McQ, he had a quote that basically cemented my lust for his brain and my desire to absorb his power. fuck it here's the full quote:

"Respectfully, I’m not a mystery box guy. I don’t believe in that kind of storytelling, I feel that that leads to — I understand that it makes for very compelling narrative drive, but it brings you to the end of the movie and it inspires the three great words of cinema, which are: “And? So? OK?” And if you hear any one of those three things, it’s time to go back to the drawing board. I believe that a mystery is only as good as its reveal.”

now this was about Ghost Protocol, not intended as a criticism of MI3 but it sums up the entire problem with the Rabbit's Foot. like, it's a mystery box with nothing in it because... the contents don't matter. in the climax of the movie, you see the Rabbit's Foot and it looooooks like it miiiight be a bioweapon? but it doesn't matter. so the fact that it's VERY LOUDLY a mystery literally has no purpose and never pays off. so to quote McQ again: And? So? Ok?

Oh and that's all just my anger at the Plot Writing of MI3. that doesn't even touch on the character writing.

Character Fuckery

We've already touched on Owen Davian being a void of motivation and on the fact THEY DIDN'T GIVE US THE NAME OF ONE OF THE CORE TEAM MEMBERS lets get into the rest of it

"And did you ever.... sleep with your sister" is the worst line in a Mission Impossible movie and you made Ving fucking Rhames say it. I'm a rehabilitationist but I will make an exception for once if we can send the person who wrote that line to prison forever.

To be honest this entire movie does Luther so fucking dirty it's astonishing. He's here to artificially create conflict. I honestly find it annoying that his Defining Character Trait in MI1 and the thing that drew Ethan to him was his scruples regarding endangering people, and he has like. nothing to say about giving Davian the rabbit's foot. Okay.

THE CRIMINAL WASTE OF SIMON PEGG. Benji gets two scenes in this movie and the second one is.... frankly maybe the singular good bit of fun, engaging character interaction in the whole movie, but to get there you have to weather the Antigod Speech which. I can barely think about with IRL cringing, like my body just has an allergic reaction to the idea. it doesn't help that he's used as the mouthpiece for the Mystery Box of the movie, and we've already established its an empty box that doesn't matter.

(what I find hilarious is that Pegg is an extremely good character writer and I would bet every dollar in my measly bank account that he could have improvised a better version of that speech. god i hate it.)

Ethan and Julia. IMO Cruise and Monaghan carried this movie on their fucking backs and without them putting in the WORK with zero material, this movie would be incomprehensibly worst. Cruise and Monaghan, thank you for your service.

Punct always points out when we watch MI3 that there is a batshit moment in the climax where Julia is strapped to a chair and the camera keeps cutting to her like she's planning something to turn the tables or something but it. never happens? it's egregious and weird how the movie treats her.

actually even as much as I love Monaghan's work here and I'm the kindest to Julia, I feel like the movie doesn't respect her as much as I do. (Punct joked that JJ Abrams doesn't respect women as much as Ethan Hunt does and its hilarious and true.) but the movie keeps being Weird about Julia and putting her in tiddy-licious nighties and gives Ethan a very weird sexy dream sequence about her? and the Mission Impossible that I know and love would have objectified Ethan just as much as her, thank you very much.

Ethan and that goddamn assault rifle.

Actually I want this in its own section

Ethan uses an assault rifle at least twice to my off-the-dome recollection. Luther uses MULTIPLE REMOTE-OPERATED MACHINE GUNS to mow down a factory building. There is a massive shootout on a bridge with a JET FLYING AROUND FIRING MISSILES. Ethan DANGLES A MAN OUT OF A FUCKING PLANE.

In MI1, Ethan Hunt never fires a single shot and only holds a gun on someone once to my memory. Even in MI2, the Stupid One, Ethan is armed but only really gets into one shootout and does a lot of kicking people in slowmotion, which is silly, but My point is that MI3 feels like a Call of Duty campaign with its body count and the way it reframes Ethan's job away from Honeytrap and Spy to Generic Soldier.

and it's fucking boring. all of Ethan's guile moments are clawed out of the morass of him just shooting people, and its devastatingly boring. paired with the REMOTE-OPERATED MACHINE GUNS and the new portrayal of the IMF in MI3, it just feels like.... Ethan is one of the baddies actually? the ppl who show up with three van-mounted machine guns are not the good guys, lmao.

I don't have time to go into the visual design of this movie and how the most interesting locations are so poorly lit you can't fucking see them but we need to talk about the IMF Itself in this movie

I actually have already written my thoughts about the evolution of the IMF through the series and I'm in passionate desperate love with what that evolution signals thematically

B U T the IMF in MI3 is just a fucking crime procedural lab. there is a War Room, there's Meeting Rooms, and when stuff breaks we have The Room Where The Nerds Live. it's just CSI/NCIS/name a stupid show. which fits because IIRC this is JJA's first or one of the first films, and he's a TV man by trade. but by carrying that Weekly Procedural philosophy into MI, it reduces the texture of MI.

the montage of Ethan training Lindsey is the most unintentionally hilarious scene in the movie.

/takes a deep breath

.... is that everything?

NO WAIT I WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE VATICAN INFILTRATION. they put in a lot of work and its easily the most boring infiltration in cinema history. there is no tension, no fun, no improv.

ETHAN HUNT WAS LITERALLY IN A CATHOLIC PRIEST COSTUME COMPLETE WITH THE COLLAR AND THERE IS NOT A SINGLE LINE OF DIALOGUE ABOUT IT. THERE ARE NO JOKES. NOTHING. if this was any of the other MI movies, this would be an opening for some banter and jokes, but THEY FORGOT TO PUT THE ENGAGING TEAM DYNAMICS INTO THE FUCKING MOVIE ARRRRKSJFLSKDJHFKSD

that moment when you can kinda see Maggie Q's vag. wh. what was that.

here's the good parts of MI3

it gave us Julia, and she's still great when she returns in Fallout. even with an actively bad script, she brings gravity and grace to a movie that needs it.

Luther calls Ethan "baby" and it's great and its Luther's only good moment in the fucking movie

Ethan Hunt is at his most autistic in this movie and I love it

Ethan and Benji's second scene actually has patter and character moments and chemistry. that one scene has more character than any other in the entire movie and that's sad but also thank god.

the scene where Ethan is preparing to kill himself and is explaining to Julia how to reload the gun "just like the flashlight in the kitchen" is actually a pristine moment. i wish the camera didn't focus as much on Julia's tits while she's doing CPR but listen. i'll take it.

Ethan blocking communications in the IMF by putting the walkietalkie by the radio is very funny.

Tom Cruise really actually broke the windshield of that car with the impact of his body, goddamn.

jfc I need an Exorcism right now, I might go watch MI1 again just to cleanse

AT LEAST MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2 KNEW WHAT IT WANTED TO BE AND EXECUTED ON THAT. In this house we may not like MI2 but we respect it.

I will fistfight JJ Abrams on sight.

[callmearcturus]

@seekanddestroy13 replied to your post “Alright fine, I miss your writing, so I’m going to...”:

I honestly cannot believe you would include m2 over m3. I may be biased because m3 is my fav, since it's one of the first where we get a character that will return (julia, also i love julia.) But the main reason is the double life!! The bullshit with the department of transportation. He wants out. His wife thinks he's a normal guy. I love the moment where he reveals the truth to her and knows that this road is not possible for him. Also when he busts out of the facility

​MI2 has my respect because John Woo and TC knew exactly what they were making and MI2 has a coherent identity and goal. It might not be my kind of movie, but the craft is good.

MI3..... look, if you're a fan, I'm glad. I'm not gonna rain on that parade. I'm genuinely glad you like it.

[callmearcturus]

you hate mi:3 soooo much, can you think of anything good about it? i thought PSH was the best villain

i mean. i think PSH is fine. like, i wouldn't rank him even in my top three, but I think I just hate that even hendricks in GP who was LITERALLY GIVEN CHARACTER AND MOTIVATION BY MCQ IN THE SCRIPT DOCTORING has more background and motivation than Davian. my beef with Davian is that he's ONLY good because its PSH and they frankly needed PSH to play him or else they had nothing. which is a dumb problem to have when you can actually WRITE.

but hey you want the good things about MI3? i'm game. /opens up my .mkv of MI3

Ethan is maybe at his MOST autistic in this movie, and it's honestly incredible and I love it. He's so fucking happy to be a husband and he's gonna get SUCH good points in malewife, he's so excited.

when he needs a reason to go the meet with Musgrave and just THROWS OUT ALL THE ICE INTO THE YARD and tells Jules they need more ice, it's so fucking funny. That's my babygirl.

this specific shot is peak "why is the sky always most beautiful outside grocery stores." why is the best moment of character lighting in this entire movie in a 7 Eleven, JJ?

Luther gets the most WTF Did He Just Say lines in the movie BUT he also gets the cutest ones too so, yanno.

the fucking wedding rings were from the giftshop and i love it lmao. like, it's not said enough that Jules is also kind of Wild? not on an IMF level but def on a civilian level, they met on an adventure vacation and their honeymoon was going to involve jumping out of a helicopter? they're batshit. good for them.

hard to capture but i love in the very very fast sex scene, Ethan notices spare scrubs and stuff hanging up so he throws them onto the floor so it'll be softer for when they bang, that's so thoughtful and hilarious and ace of him.

/skips ahead skips ahead skips ahead hmmmmmm

TC BROKE A CAR WITH HIS BODY!!!!!!!! that's the MONEYSHOT BABYYYYY

/skips ahead skips ahead skips ahead god there's gotta be something here i don't hate

oh yeah the way ethan just starts sketching the fulcrum jump on the window is great, even if the actual stunt doesn't even count tbh

i want to scream at the entire fulcrum jump sequence BUT i do love the tiny moment when ethan manages to NOT fly over the side of the building after sliding down the roof and he's just. like. "Okay." its a single word but you can feel it. lmao.

The Shanghai Run with Benji on the line is one of the only truly great sequences. Watching Ethan just RUN down the roof, that's so fucking dangerous, he could have fucked up his legs or fell so easily but he moves so smoothly, and then Benji complaining about losing his citizenship and the ONLY SUSTAINED SHOT IN THE MOVIE with the long run, and it's all good.

the fact that Ethan explains to Julia how to reload a gun by comparing the magazine to the batteries for the flashlight in their kitchen is a fucking tremendous detail and might be the best line in the movie bc of what it conveys about Ethan as a teacher, his familiarity with Julia and their home, and how he thinks about things. It's really great.

..... and that's everything! SEE. there are glimmers! there are moments!

the rest of the movie is just fuckawful, that's all!

[callmearcturus]

Went back through your mission impossible tag because I was trying to find the things you said about Phelps and Claire and about the pigeons and kicks in 2 (and to see if you said anything about the extremely extended motorcycle chase because I am dying about that chase and the sound design, why) and I was there for the start of the MI brainworms but I forgot how non-negative you were about MI:3. It's very strange and funny seeing you go "MI:3 is fine, it's not a bad movie, it's okay, not nearly as bad as 2" when now you have a dedicated MI:3 hating tag xD I'm midway through MI:3 and you're entirely right to have an MI:3 hating tag too (the anti-god monologue was super bad, yep!)

yeah i'm like the fucking weirdo of the fandom who hates MI3 more than MI2. honestly the more time goes by, I soften on MI2 more and more because it's bad yeah but it's also batshit insane and i think its worst sin is being fucking boring at times.

MI3 is a movie where the literal only good thing I have to say about it is the acting and that it's ethan at motherfucking PEAK autism, and i love that. but everything else makes me want to beat JJ Abrams with a whiffleball bat. and then pop TC with it once bc DUDE you're the PRODUCER, how did you ALLOW this.

MI3 feels like a cavalcade of incompetence. at least MI2 feels purposeful. it may not be what I would have done, but it has a Vision. who knows if MI3 has a vision, you wouldn't be able to see it through all the fucking shaky cam.

unfortunately, MI3 is the Julia Movie so we can't just memory hole it forever. 8C

[callmearcturus]

UNSEXY BONDAGE MASK AFAKSGQJSDUENS

[callmearcturus]

the only thing I liked about MI3 was the glimpse of Ethan’s non-spy life (the idea of him being a cryptid fiancé is fun) and the decent hurt/comfort at the end lol. I think one may also say that MI3 slightly respects women more than MI2

the first ten minutes and the last 20 minutes are the only good parts of MI3

except for the 20 seconds where Tom Fucking Cruise breaks a car with his body, that part is the best part of the fucking movie

it really is like Benji saves that movie tbh. his first appearance is dogshit and makes me want to spend an entire overseas flight kicking the back of JJA's chair. BUT the moment ethan calls benji in shanghai? the rest of the movie is good! not perfect but it's fucking solid! that running stunt is truly impressive and the entire part where ethan dies, that's great! its just the rest that makes me batshit. also i cannot forgive that ethan has two new teammates for the movie and ONE OF THEM IS LITERALLY NEVER NAMED IN THE DIALOGUE. EVER. god, fuck MI3.

also MI2 and Respecting Women is fucking valid. i was almost going to argue that Ethan respects Nyah more than the rest of the movie but even when he's doing good things like being rightly fuckign concerned for her safety, he's still a dick about it. so no, it sucks, and fuck robert towne. and TC, why did you bring him back when he almost tanked MI1? Chinatown wasn't THAT good, bro.

i think it might still be more watchable than MI3 tho. MI3 doesn't respect women either. and it should since michelle monaghan saved that fucking movie.

[callmearcturus]

@princestorm14 replied to your post “UNSEXY BONDAGE MASK AFAKSGQJSDUENS”:

Unsexy? How dare, muzzles are pretty greattt. Personal taste and all that tho. Unfortunate they had to cut it apart to keep his pretty eyes from being obscured, however xD

​how dare YOU, this is the worst mask i have ever seen. like, i am not disparaging muzzles, i am saying they PUT ETHAN HUNT IN BONDAGE and managed to make it unsexy and like....

i hate this script and this movie BUT. BUT. if you took the same plot and script and actors but gave the movie to Bryan Fuller? had him bring in production designers and costumers and set designers? bring in some fucking AESTHETIC? make it sexy and colorful and dense? you'd have a killer movie! still a bad script but sometimes that doesn't matter!

anyway.

[callmearcturus]

my family insisted on watching MI3 and i can now confirm that Declan's name is not said anywhere in this fucking movie. it is shown once in the debriefing but NO ONE SAYS HIS FUCKING NAME IN THE GODDAMN MOVIE

also watching the berlin sequence makes me want to find JJ Abrams and have a physical confrontation with him. i hate this goddamn sequence so much

[callmearcturus]

in case u haven't noticed i try to tag all my MI3 hateration holleration as "#the mi3 hater has logged on" so if you like that movie, i'm so happy for you even if i do NOT understand, so blacklist that tag lmao