#the sarcasm meter goes to eleven

[oeuvrinarydurian]

It’s SNARKY LITTLE SHIT SUNDAY.

There’s so much Snark to choose from in this scene that I literally could not edit it into a GIF. It’s 84 seconds of videotastic delight.

Volume up.

Snark gold. 

[kittensjonsa]

Room Service

For Valentine’s Day 2nd Feb: Sharing a bed. Sorry no smut yet 🤐 @jonxsansafanfiction *********

“It says it right here, 90 Castle Road, Jon, ” Sansa’s exasperation was nearing its peak. She had thought of throwing the printed email at his pretty boy face for the umpteenth time. Jon clicked his tongue against his teeth in dismay. It was getting too dark too soon as they headed further up north. Perhaps he should have gotten his GPS system fixed two days ago or maybe he should have asked for directions. It was too late now, roads were deserted and blanketed in thick snow. Driving became a chore on the slippery icy tarmac.

Jon made a mental note to call Sam in the morning. Sam would forgive him for being a little late, but he couldn’t be too late since he was the best man. The wedding was supposed to start at eleven in the morning and they shouldn’t be too far off now. As long as they reached Castle Black Motel that night, things would go just as planned. Jon remembered Sam telling him the farmhouse where the wedding was held was just a two hour drive away from the motel. All he needed was to keep a lookout for the elusive rest stop. And sassy Sansa wasn’t much help.

“Any reception on your cell?” Jon asked as he peered and squinted left and right for some semblance of a building.

“No. Because we’re in the middle of God forsaken nowhere,” Sansa’s voice was getting irritated by the minute. Well, there goes the phone GPS then, Jon thought. Jon knew his cousin wasn’t one to mince words if annoyance got the better of her. They weren’t close growing up but Jon had heard enough from Robb and Arya who warned him to try to not ‘piss Sansa off’. So far, Jon’s head was still attached to his body. That motel better show up soon.

Jon almost honked in relief when he saw the small sign of Castle Black Motel a few hundred meters away as they approached a small road. The one and only one arrow road sign that led to the Castle Road exit and Jon had been alert enough to notice it.

The motel was in a small compound with probably about ten rooms, as Jon counted when they approached the check in desk. Looked clean and decent enough, despite the woods surrounding it and not a neighbouring town or civilization in sight. At least, the snow capped roofs made the rooms look like ski cabins. Jon was glad he managed to get the last available room online.

A bored young woman greeted them as they came in through the door. It was nice and warm inside and Sansa almost felt her mouth twist into smile.

“Hi, welcome to Castle Black Motel. Do you have a reservation?”

“Hi, yes, under Jon S Targaryen. I have a room booked for twin beds?” Jon nodded, reaching out for the printed booking from Sansa. Sansa wandered away from the desk and found herself a warm armchair to plonk onto that immediately set her at ease. The motel didn’t seem too bad to her. A little old but it didn’t matter since it was only a night. Sansa fiddled with her cell to try the reception again. No bars were blinking.

“You got the last minute deal of the day from another website?” the young lady took a quick look at the paper Jon handed to her and droned on monotonously as her fingers tapped on the keyboard and her dull eyes glared at the screen.

“Err.. Yeah. I couldn’t get a booking on your website so I saw one on Room Service.com so I booked it. Is that okay.. Or..?” Jon was too tired for the night to end up sleeping in the car, or if he would even be alive because Sansa would surely chop his head off.

Jon finally admitted to himself that he should have just RSVP'ed to the wedding himself as a single party. But of course, he had to listen and cave in to Arya, who desperately wanted the house to herself that weekend for her friend’s hen’s night. Whatever mischief that wild girl was up to, Jon didn’t want to know. Jon was even surprised Sansa agreed to his invite. But then again, Sam had been a friend of the family’s and Sansa had always thought of him as a teddy bear of a gentleman.

“Well, looks like we didn’t get that reservation. Your name isn’t here.”

Jon’s heart raced for a second as he heard those words. No, no, no.

“It must be some mistake, I have the email copy of the booking right here, Miss. It’s already been paid, look,” Jon pointed out the print. The young lady didn’t even move to glance at it.

“Listen, Mr Targar-”

“Just Jon, please.”

“Mr Jon, look here, your name right there and here, blank, 'No Bookings found,” the young lady mimicked Jon in sarcasm and pointed out the blinking screen to him as proof. Jon couldn’t help but glance over at Sansa who was idly lounging on the arm chair playing with her phone. She would be extremely displeased with him.

“That’s really strange because I really did book. And it went through.”

“Well Mr Jon, I wish I could say the same but I don’t have your name here. It happens sometimes. We don’t appear on Room Service.com these days since we rarely get any business from that website so yeah, it’s strange you managed to book us from there.”

“Well, do you have any rooms available for tonight? It’s just one night before we head off to Winterton Farm. It’s been a long drive, we’ll take anything available, really.”

The young lady’s eyebrows rose up at the mention of Winterton Farm.

“Wedding?”

“Yeah, and I’m the best man so I’ll be out first thing in the morning if you need that room back.”

The young woman tapped on her keyboard again and turned to give Jon a key. Jon sighed in relief.

“It’s eighty for tonight and it’s the largest room we have. The only one we have. The smaller ones are currently being renovated. That ok for you?”

Jon sighed, and took out some twenty dollar bills. The booking had cost him only half that and now he ended up paying even more. But money wasted couldn’t compare to a warm bed for the night. His shoulders and butt were so sore from driving for ten hours. At least Sansa would spare his life.

“Right, so ice machine is right at the back there and there are vending machines right around the corner to the left of your room. Room 5 right at the end,” the woman droned on as she keyed in his particulars on her computer, without as much as a look or a nod to him.

Sansa didn’t want to move from the comfy chair when Jon nudged her to walk to their room. But a bed sounded much better. The drive had been slow and arduous and all she craved for was a bed. Jon offered to carry her bags but since she only had one carryall and a handbag, she was able to lug them herself. As irritated as she was at him, she knew he too was exhausted. Sansa couldn’t help but grin as the idea of a good night’s sleep beckoned her. Her smile dropped the moment Jon opened the door.

“Jon, there’s only a bed here. You booked twin beds right?”

Jon placed his luggage on a large table by the bathroom and looked around. There was a sofa that looked like it belonged to the children’s section in Ikea and two ratty old chairs that paired with the table. Jon glanced at the carpeted floor. It looked clean enough.

“The booking didn’t go through so this was the only one they had for tonight.”

Sansa closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She didn’t want to look at Jon for fear she might just lunge at him and strangle him.

“What do you mean, it did not go through? I saw the email copy.”

Jon just shrugged and tried his best apologetic puppy-dog eyed look. The more pathetic he looked, the easier it was to get out of trouble. But it usually worked on his parents. Sansa, he wasn’t sure.

“Well, I’m taking the bed.”

He guessed that left him the floor then.

“Sorry Sans, the booking got screwed. Yea you take the bed. I’ll just.. I’ll just take the couch.”

Sansa kept silent as she unpacked some clothes for the night and for tomorrow. She had no energy to argue with Jon or anyone. All she wanted was soak in a bath and go to bed. For what it was, the room was well lit and warm. It sufficed for her. She did feel sorry that Jon had to sleep on the tiny sofa but well, he deserved it for being an idiot. Sansa winced at the word. Jon had never been mean to her and he was always soft spoken and well mannered that Sansa didn’t want to pursue the matter further. Besides, there was Sam’s and Gilly’s wedding to look forward to the next day.

Jon took a pillow and a spare bed spread from the closet and set it over the sofa. It was indeed tiny. Maybe he would just watch TV and doze off sitting up. Sansa came out of the bathroom in her t shirt and shorts. Jon had to shyly look away when he saw how the hem of her shorts rode up all way on her curvy butt. What a view he had. He had never shared a room with his Stark cousin before, tonight was a first. Maybe it was a good thing that he slept on the couch then.

Jon set himself down on his couch after washing up and turned on the TV. He lowered the volume when he noticed Sansa reading in bed. She was seated quite comfortably at one side of the bed while the other side laid empty. And quite a large space next to her, he noticed. They had a king size bed for the one night he craved a good night’s rest. He sighed as he let go of his yearning for the bed space that was not ever going to be his that night. He glanced at his watch and groaned. Ten hours to go.

“Well, I doubt they have HBO here,” Sansa quipped as he heard him groan at the TV. Jon glanced over at Sansa and shrugged. His gaze lingered on the large cozy space beside her. Sansa caught his gaze and stared back.

“What?”

“Nothing. I was wondering what you were reading that’s all. Is it any good?” Jon pretended to ask. All he wanted to say really was, 'Nice bed there, mind if I sleep next to you?’ but it would sound terrible if he had said it out loud. To Sansa, of all people.

“It’s all right I guess, maybe I haven’t gotten to the good part yet,” Sansa shrugged. She still felt Jon’s eyes on her. And it dawned upon her and Sansa felt a stab of guilt. He really did deserve a good night’s sleep just like she did. He had driven for ten hours and didn’t complain a single time throughout. While that was all she had done. The bed did seem big enough for both of them to avoid any awkward movements or positions. Sansa sighed and placed her book down. Jon looked away as she did so, thinking that perhaps she was going to turn in.

“Jon.”

“Hmm?”

“Jon, listen.” Jon turned away from the TV he was hardly watching and looked at Sansa.

“Do you want to sleep on the bed here next to me?”

Jon’s eyebrows arched up as he saw the words come out of her mouth. Sansa rolled her eyes.

“Look, I know you’re tired. I’m tired too but you have been driving for the whole day. So I guess… You should have a good night’s sleep too. Besides we don’t want the best man to pass out at the altar from sleep deprivation, now do we?” Sansa continued and patted at the space next to her.

“Well, as long as you’re okay with that. You don’t have to though Sansa, the couch is fine real-”

“Look do you want to sleep with me or not?” Sansa snapped, placing her closed book at the nightstand. She realised it sounded quite wrong but she couldn’t be bothered in explaining herself. Jon would know what she meant.

“Umm.. Okay. Thanks Sansa. I won’t touch you I promise.”

“And.. You had to make it weird.” Sansa retorted, fluffing her pillow and laying down.

Jon took his pillow and walked over to his side of the bed. It was a good bed, warm smooth sheets and a firm enough mattress. Jon thanked the gods and almost let out a strained moan of relief as he slid inside the covers. Sansa’s head snapped to face him with a disapproving look.

“Really, Jon? Ugh.. Okay, good night.”

“Good night Sansa. And umm.. Thank you.”

Sansa’s back was turned to him but her hand waved back lazily at him in acknowledgement. Jon watched his cousin wiggle slightly under the covers and noticed her red hair splayed over the cream coloured pillow. Jon never noticed how beautiful her hair was. She smelled amazing and her body heat was almost calling out to him to reach out to hold.

It had been years since he had shared a bed with a woman and Jon never forgot how wonderful it felt and smelled. Sure it was his cousin lying inches next to him, in two pieces of thin clothing. Jon felt his loins stir at the thought. He kicked himself mentally for thinking such things. Being single for five years was a terrible thing. Jon sighed. He missed fucking. He missed eating a woman out. He missed being inside one. Jon shut his eyes tightly to shake off his desires. Good night’s sleep, good night’s sleep, he quietly chanted to himself.

“Oh my God Jon! Do you want me to sleep on the couch or something? Stop fidgeting and shush, I really need to sleep!” Sansa’s slightly raised voice jolted him out of his daze. He didn’t realise he was being loud or moving too much.

“Sorry Sans, it’s just that.. I haven’t.. ”

“Had a girl in bed for a long time? And what, you think, that I have a guy in mine every night? Well, I don’t and it’s not that difficult to fathom. It’s just another person next to you. Could you try and bear with me for at least eight hours? Please Jon, I really don’t want to argue with you, okay.”

“I meant to say I haven’t had someone in my arms in a long while, it just brought up memories. I’m sorry if I disturbed you.”

Sansa sighed. For a handsome man like Jon was, he really was a puppy at times. Helpless, clueless but absolutely adorable. Sansa had no idea how Jon could be annoying yet endearing at the same time. Arya was right, Jon really didn’t know anything.

“Do you miss her?”

Jon stared at the ceiling. Perhaps he did, perhaps he didn’t. She left him to pursue her career, she had made her choice. He still loved her though the feelings waned as time passed by. Now, all he had were memories and her photos on Facebook. But he was happy for her nonetheless. Ygritte was a strong headed woman who made zero compromise in getting what she wanted. They had parted as friends and it was enough for him. Any more, it would be two steps back for both of them. He didn’t believe in getting back with exes. If that one person was the one, she would be THE one. Jon was an old fashioned romantic at heart. He believed in soul mates and love at first sight type of things. What made Ygritte look his way and stayed with him all those years, he still hadn’t a clue.

“I do but it gets lesser every time. I just miss the physicality of it. It’s just nice to hold someone or be held I guess.”

Sansa turned and stared at the ceiling this time. She understood what he meant. She missed having a boyfriend, missed being held and missed being the little spoon. Joffrey was a dick who never wanted to show his affection to her, only out in public to show others he had a claim on her. She was glad she dumped him when she moved away.

“I know what you mean. But you know it gets easier I guess. One day you’ll realise that the extra space in your bed isn’t so bad after all. Sometimes a dog is a better companion than an ex could ever be,” Sansa agreed in empathy.

“Well, I don’t look at Ghost that way but yea sure I know what you mean.”

“You have a weird sense of humour, you know that Jon S Targaryen?” Sansa rolled her eyes at Jon who was grinning.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I believe you’ll make any girl happy and I’m sure you’re a great cuddling partner,” Sansa assured Jon, her body now turned to face him.

“Thanks Sansa, that does console me. Good night,” Jon turned to Sansa and smiled cheekily. Sansa had to laugh at the dimples and the red that glowed on his cheeks as he said it. Maybe sharing a bed wasn’t too bad after all.