#the sad reality is that I'd rather be crying for someone else than crying for myself

[grimaldiapologist]

I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse when you have a diagnosis of what the fuck is identity and then your entire self just becomes entwined with whatever it is your shattered sense of self decides it associates with that day but god does it give things a different flavour for sure

i.e. yes I'm having fun. I'm in a great mood. Yes I'm also taking things very personally and crying under my desk because this thing that I just saw? I felt it in my deepest self somehow. It's now a part of me. Nobody is welcome. But yes I'm having fun

[dmercer91]

in your arms i feel at peace | look after you, tz11

in which trevor is your shoulder to cry on

don't let those super fluffy pictures of z fool you, this is sad as fuck (and dialogue heavy)

when i first started this account i figured i'd be doing mostly nsfw and look at me!!! every character i write has mommy issues :)

also send in for this au pls and thank you ill give you a vital organ

"someone's in a good mood," trevor mumbled behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist as you made breakfast for the two of you. nobody else was awake yet, and it was nice to just have some quiet time with him.

in just a couple weeks you’d become great friends, and you found yourself glued to him or to a book all day every day

“my mom asked if i wanted to go shopping with her today, it’s been a while since we’ve done something like that,” you explained, not clocking the look of worry on trevor’s face

you were over the moon that your mom wanted to spend time with you, one on one. this was your chance to bond with her now that you were closer to being an adult

your chance to fix things and have her treat you as an individual

you figured your mom saw today the same, that she might change. maybe she wouldn’t undermine your issues, compare them to her own

maybe she’d offer you help rather than argue that she was worse off

maybe she’d buy you things you actually like rather than force you to dress like she wanted - professional and proper so that you would be taken more seriously

trevor could tell that you thought today would change some things, and he wasn’t quite sure what to think of it

he knew your relationship with your mom wasn’t great. he knew your relationship with your whole family was less than ideal, actually.

he was a little nervous to see where the day went, but for now? you were excited, and he loved that for you

that excitement didn’t last long

he had a feeling he’d be left picking up the broken pieces of your heart whenever you got back

the feeling was right

but, he didn’t think it’d be this bad.

you were yelling as you walked through the door, your mom poker faced and unimpressed, almost rolling her eyes as she told you to calm down

“would you quit being a brat? there are other people in this house!”

trevor watched from the bottom of the stairs as you paused, laughing to yourself

“right. other people. you know what, mom?” you left space for her to answer you despite the question being rhetorical, but she just crossed her arms

challenging you to say what it was that was on your mind

“i don’t want to be your daughter anymore. from here on out, i am a stranger to you, i am the other people you’re so worried about looking your best for” you smiled softly

your moms face fell from amused to confused, thinking you’d do what you normally did - cry, and then accept any offer to rekindle your relationship in hopes that this time, she’d be a mom to you.

“you’re a pathetic excuse for a mother and i was just a kid. i didn’t- i don’t deserve to be tangled in this stupid, one sided vendetta you have against me for just existing,” your tone was level, you weren’t yelling anymore

your mom scoffed, trying to hold up a cold exterior while facing the reality that she was losing the only person who’d do anything for her

the person who, at seven years old, helped her move out of your dads house after the divorce

the person who didn’t question that you were moving in with a man you’d never met before

the person who cleaned the whole house regularly so that she wouldn’t have to stress about it

the person who helped her with laundry because her boyfriend refused

the person who defended her when he was drunk

the person who let her cry on your shoulder when owen wanted to stay with your dad for some time

the person who didn’t do the same because you didn’t want to hurt her feelings

the person who offers to do anything and everything for her because you know she works a lot

the person who forgives quickly and tries to forget, cause that’s your mom and you believed she could be better

the person who shuts up when you’re feeling down because you don’t want to put more things on her

the person who drops anything you’re feeling cause when you bring it up, suddenly she feels worse than you about that same thing and she needs you to lean on

the person who after seventeen years, has finally given up

you’ve given up.

“don’t you think that’s a little dramatic, y/n?” you smiled with a shake of your head, a tear falling down your face

“that’s kinda the problem, isn’t it? if i was any less emotional you might have me checked for psychopathy.

my whole life you let owen walk all over me. demean me over and over, and of course i cried, i was eight years old.

every time i tried to say something you’d tell me i was too emotional, that he treated me like shit on the bottom of his shoe because it was easy and i reacted too much

that wasn’t the truth. you just didn’t want to deal with it. you were annoyed that i was crying.

regardless i believed you because you were meant to be my mother

the bullying never stopped but every single time i just walked away and suddenly i wasn’t emotional enough for you

i was uncomfortable in my own home and that meant i was rude and blunt and i needed to smile sometimes cause i seemed like a bitch

you made me into that and i think it’s time someone lets you know so you can get the fuck off your high horse, cause we all know you think you’re a great mother”

she clenched her jaw and opened her mouth to speak, but you cut her off

“i’m not done.

news flash, buying me things at the mall just to soften the blow of you being a massive cunt doesn’t make you a good mother

putting a roof over my head and feeding me doesn’t make you a good mother, it just allows you to keep your kids.

so, again. you’re gonna start treating me like a stranger

because it’s not hard to see how insecure you are about how random people see you on the outside

you put up this mask of perfection for people who don’t even know you and never will, but you don’t give a single fuck how your own child sees you on the inside

i’m done being an extension of you to torment and compare yourself to, and i’m staying here wether you like it or not.

i’m here as a friend of quinn’s, now. as a friend of the family’s. this is not my family,”

the room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop

“don’t be disrespectful, y/n. i do a lot for you. i bought you summer clothes today!” you bit the inside of your cheek, filing through you head to look for any memory of her that wasn’t tainted by it’s true purpose, and you couldn’t.

“you didn’t listen to a word i said, huh? figures,”

when you turned and the first thing you saw was trevor, looking at you from the staircase, every bit of yourself willed to not let the dam break until you were alone, with him.

you walked right into him, clinging onto him and pressing your face tight into his neck

he reciprocated the second you were near, taking you into his arms and squeezing you tight, cupping your head and rubbing your back

he helped you up the stairs and towards the door to his room, holding your hand until you got to his bed and he could pull you back into his arms, on his lap.

"what happened, sunshine?" he murmured, letting you comb your fingers through his hair to try and keep yourself calm

it didn't work all that well, tears already streaming down your face now that you were in the comfort of his room, alone where you felt you wouldn't be judged.

your reply was muffled by his shoulder, where you'd pressed your jaw to try and keep your cries quiet

"she wanted me to go back home."

trevor furrowed his eyebrows and traced patterns on your leg with his fingers, knowing you'd open up when you were ready.

you took a minute to calm your breathing, explaining everyhting.

that originally you wanted to spend the summer at home with your dad because you knew you'd be isolated here, that quinn had other friends and you couldn't steal him away from everyone for the whole offseason.

that you got put in your place before the drive down to michigan and told that ellen needed you there to help around the house and that you could just be helpful 'this one time'

that ellen hadn't made you touch a thing all summer, the only time you did a chore was when you made yourself and him a snack, so you knew your mom just wanted you here to be a servant

that when you met him, you were finally happy in michigan and you were actually looking forward to the summer and getting to know him, spending some more time with jack and luke now that you had someone in common

that today, the shopping trip was just a cover up, your mom spoiling you before telling you - not asking - that you were going back home to house sit until the offseason was over

that you were naive at first, that you thought your mom grew a heart and that she was giving you an out due to you wanting to stay back home weeks ago

that you quickly saw through that

that your mom told you that owen had been excited to meet the team usa guys, trevor especially, and that you were getting in the way of your brother having the offseason experience he wanted

that you were going to be miserable the whole summer, but now that you've found a happy place in michigan, you were told to go home and be miserable there instead

that she wanted you isolated all summer. that was her plan.

and after you let it all out to him, you just started sobbing, and you couldn't stop

trevor did his best to soothe you, mumbling sweet nothings and reassuring you that ellen wanted you at the lake house and that he knew she'd let you stay

"i don't know what i could've done to make her hate me so much," you croaked, balling his shirt up into your fists and pulling him closer

“you didn’t do anything, sunshine. there’s nothing in the world you could’ve done to deserve that, you were just a kid. n’ you’re an angel, you know? like heaven on earth, it’s not your fault,” he whispered, cradling the back of your head

you looked up into his eyes from your spot on his shoulder, eyes uncertain and still overflowing with tears

“i know you don’t believe me, it’s okay,” he slid his thumb back and forth along your hair, kissing you on the temple.

you adjusted your head to get closer to him, still keeping your eyes on his

sniffling slightly, you took his other hand and toyed with his fingers, gaze eventually falling there as your tears slowed and nose cleared up

“thank you, trev, that-“ he cut you off with a kiss, catching you a little off guard

still, you pulled away with a smile, holding his jaw with the hand you’d had gripping his shirt

“that’s really sweet.” you finished, fresh tears falling from your face

he moved to wipe them, brushing his thumb against your nose gently

“of course, my sunshine,”

you hugged him, using both arms to wrap around him and squeeze tight, him returning the favour

“i’m all yours for the rest of the day, hm? maybe we can sneak off on the boat? bring some snacks, blankets n’ your laptop for movies and make a day out of it,”

you nodded happily, becoming pliant in his arms with a dumb smile

“that sounds perfect, z,”

he went to kiss you again, but the door cracked open mid lean-in and you jumped apart like it was an affair

it was ellen, now grinning to herself at the sight in front of her

“i figured you’d be in here. can we talk?”

you blushed, nodding.

“yeah, auntie el, just-“

“i’ll go,” trevor cut you off, ruffling your hair and placing a kiss on your cheek

[happxme]

Tw: Rant, I'm just sad (shifting related), discouraging)? In the sense of when i come back to this reality

So this is about my s/o. In every reality in which I have scripted someone it's always him,whether we're already together, it's a slow burn or anything it is ALWAYS HIM and I can not think of having someone else as my s/o. Even though they're different realities I truly feel sick to my stomach to think about having someone else,even here.

I want to marry,and have kids and everything,but I can not think of doing it with someone other than him. So some months ago I started to think that maybe because of this I'll never date someone in here,cause it just feels wrong, and it wouldn't be fair for me or the other person in the relationship cause I wouldn't be able to love them as I love my s/o and I would feel like I'm hiding something (because also it's not like a lot of people make it public that they are shifters).

So it made me think if I would pause my life in here and not do those things I wanna have in life (answer: yes, tho I'd feel I want them but also only with him) and then just five minutes ago my sister (shifter too) began telling me "you'll never have a boyfriend here and if you do have one he'll never be enough for you and you'll end up breaking up and it'll be all your fault and you'll be alone" (as if I didn't knew and in a rather cruel manner, cause honesty without kindness is just cruelty)

And now I'm thinking I'm maybe I should just give up on shifting, because maybe doing so will just make me feel worse and maybe if i never see my s/o I'll be able to move on (I doubt it, I love that man a lot and just the thought of not seeing him or quit to shifting pains me. Shifting and him are two things I can't go a day without thinking of it) and it'll be better for me.

And I know I can do permashifting but a part of me will always stay here, and that part of me will always be alone because I can't love anyone but him and I miss him so so much, and I love him more than I can put into words,he's the only person I'd consider permashifting for because I'd feel overly guilty if I "leave" my siblings in this reality but for him maybe i could allow myself to be selfish, but the part of me that stays here with always be alone and I want a family and getting married and I feel like an horrible person.

So now I don't know if giving up on shifting and him or what to do. I'm sorry for the Rant,I just needed to get it out cause I've been crying for 30 minutes.

Some advice?

[cattstarr]

Questions I found that I'mma answer to distract me from the Big Sad™

1. How long is your "now"?

The amount of time it takes to say the word.

2. What was the moment where you felt most motivated?

When I started my first day of college. Boy, that sure bottomed out. 🙄

3. If you won the lottery, what would your "today" look like in five years?

Moderate sized apartment with a few pets and gizmos to keep me amused.

4. What are you holding onto that’s holding you back?

I honestly have no idea. If I knew what was holding me back, I would be able to be proactive about it.

5. If you didn’t know your age, how old would you think you’d be?

I think physically I look my age but if I'm basing it off of my personality, it fluctuates between like 6 and 12.

6. Do you "work to live" or "live to work"?

No.

7. Do you hate or love better?

My husband stayed happily by my side until the bitter end. I made a lot of mistakes, but my love for him guided me. There was a time where I'd say I hate better, but that time is behind me. 🩵

8. Would you rather lose all your memories or never be able to make new ones?

I would gladly be unable to make new ones. My best days are permanently behind me.

9. How do you measure success?

1:1 Success : Happiness

10. If you restarted your life from scratch, would you end up in the same place?

I don't know. Assuming I know everything I do now may already fuck with my timeline. But I would be more considerate and compassionate and I would try to find my husband sooner.

11. What is something you do differently than anyone else you know, and why?

I'm in my 30s and my marriage will be 21 this year. Seems like everyone I know struggles to find someone worth dedicating all their time to. And most people are bitter about romance, frequently calling me a liar about how mine was conducted.

12. What job would you do if you weren’t paid?

I don't understand the question... 😅

13. What is one part of your everyday routine that you'd be better off without?

Probably crying.

14. Can you ever commit a truly selfless deed?

Depends on your philosophy on that, I guess. Because it's not selfish to be happy with yourself for doing something helpful for someone else.

15. What previous dream do you see the most meaning in?

Bout a month ago I dreamed my husband sent me a decoded message from beyond the grave. I couldn't understand it because it was too encrypted. But he apparently left me clues throughout the history of our relationship and the more I tried to solve the message, the more confused I became.

Another one, I thought I saw him in a crowd outside so I ran to him but I couldn't find him. And then I was lost and alone.

16. What’s a question you wish people would ask when they meet you for the first time?

Idk 🫠

17. If you could have coffee with one person, dead or alive, who would it be?

If my husband isn't possible, then Maynard James Keenan.

18. Is life a computer simulation?

I really fucking hope so.

19. Do we have control over technology, or does it have control over us?

Depends on the person.

20. How can a single moment have the power to change everything?

If my husband never spoke to me, I'd be a wildly different person now.

21. What if there were no experts, but everyone knew a little about everything?

...what?😅

22. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what about reality?

...again, what?

23. How much influence does a person’s name have over the course of their life?

I guess it depends on if they meet people who like their name a lot.

24. What happens if aliens are real?

I guess nothing because I'm assuming they already are.

25. If you had to support the idea that aliens weren't real, what would you say?

If aliens were real, I feel like we'd have more evidence of that now.

26. Who decides what the "right" thing is?

That's a funny topic. Everyone believes they're doing the right thing and yet we all bump heads so much. I don't think anyone alive is qualified for that decision.

27. Is time a construct?

Scientifically speaking you can see time occurring. If time truly did not exist, then decay and aging wouldn't be possible. We wouldn't have entropy.

I have a theory that before the Big Bang, time probably didn't exist. But entropy causes the flow of time. So when the universe was born, entropy pushed it to expand, change and grow. And entropy's push is time.

28. Why do most people work five days per week instead of four? Three? Two?

Because capitalism.

29. What shape is the sky?

Spherical

30. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

My assumption is that it was based on the sun or moon's position. So they either started counting at midnight or noon.

What’s better: Being a big fish in a small pond or a small fish in a big pond?

Depends on how lazy you are, ig.

32. Was math created or discovered?

Math was designed to decode the world around us. It's a language that explains the universe. So it's a little of both.

33. Is fate a real thing?

Yes. 🩵

34. Does the "truth" exist, or is it all subjective?

Events only happen one way. The truth cannot be subjective.

35. Can you cry underwater?

You still produce tears, so yes.

36. Why is it called a "building" if it’s already built?

It can always be built upon.

37. At what point does working for a better life become an unhealthy obsession?

When it cannot be done.

38. What is your mother like?

Hot headed and vocal.

39. What is your father like?

Sociopath

40. What happened when you got in trouble as a child?

I'd get yelled at.

41. What is your greatest strength?

Husband says I'm amazing in a crisis.

42. What is your greatest weakness? 

Grief

43. What are some of your fondest memories?

Getting lit with Bunny and rocking out. 🐇 🎶

44. Who took care of you as a kid?

My parents.

45. What is the meaning of life? What is the meaning of your life?

Life has no inherent meaning to me. The meaning of my own life was my husband.

46. What was the moment where you felt most grateful?

When my bunny got me presents.

[winterandwords]

15 questions tag

Thanks for the tag, @i-can-even-burn-salad! I'm doing this for Darwin from Project Darwin...

Are you named after anyone? I'm named after Charles Darwin. If I'd been a boy, I would've been called Charles. My father is an environmental scientist and apparently my mother didn't have strong opinions about what to call me. She chose my sister's name though. Amber. It was more of a self-fulfilling prophecy than mine.

When was the last time you cried? Last night. It was late. Everyone else was asleep and I was very quiet. I don't cry in front of people. There's no point.

Do you have kids? No, and I'm not planning to. I'd be a terrible parent and I don't want to put a kid through that.

Do you use sarcasm a lot? Not really. I either say what I mean or don't say anything at all.

What’s the first thing you notice about people? If they're safe. If they're useful. If they're a potential escape route.

What’s your eye color? Blue.

Scary movies or happy endings? I'd rather have happy endings than be scared, but happy endings make me sad. I think I prefer endings that are supposed be sad and then actually are.

Any special talents? I'm academically gifted. I've been hearing that all my life. I'm so sick of it. And I'm absolutely wasting it, which is oddly satisfying.

Where were you born? Covenkirk near Aberdeen in Scotland. The writer says it's based on a real place but she's weird about using actual place names in stories.

What are your hobbies? I love reading. It's always been my favourite way to ignore reality and let myself live someone else's life for a little while.

Have you any pets? A white cat called Hazel. He sleeps on my bed and when I'm lonely or scared I bury my face in his fur and everything feels a little less awful.

What sports do you play/have played? I'm not into sports and never have been. I hated being made to do PE at school.

How tall are you? 5ft 4in

Favorite subject in school? English Literature, which was the greatest disappointment to my father who refuses to get over me not wanting to be a scientist like him.

Dream job It should be writer, shouldn't it? But I don't want to make up stories. I just like reading them. I'm not sure what I want to do and I don't suppose it really matters. I'd be happy just working in an office somewhere with no stress or pressure, going home at the end of the day and leaving work behind, with no-one expecting anything of me.

Tagging @anthros-vanitas-archive, @asher-orion-writes and @a-fox-who-writes, with an open tag for anyone else who wants to join in. Template is under the cut 💜

The questions... Are you named after anyone? When was the last time you cried? Do you have kids? Do you use sarcasm a lot? What’s the first thing you notice about people? What’s your eye color? Scary movies or happy endings? Any special talents? Where were you born? What are your hobbies? Have you any pets? What sports do you play/have played? How tall are you? Favorite subject in school? Dream job

[ashplayz]

Assasination classroom x reader (you flinch)

Students -

Karma:

He's not really loud in arguments but he's cocky he's literally a sadist his own classmates said it. But he's not the physicality violent type with the people close to him he just likes to drag them down if he's not getting his way- (yeah he sucks) but this argument was more heated then they usually were, most of the time it was over childish petty stuff but this time was serious he had that look in his eyes you didn't trust.. And he got quiet and it scared you.. "Y/n just go.." He said in a dark low tone. turning towards you too fast that it caused you to flinch quite a bit.. If literally training to be assassins wasn't enough you guys have had to deal with some real situations you were rather unfounded of.. Mr Takaoka had got the ball rolling on your traumas.. The room went quiet.. Karma didn't say anything, you couldn't read his expression.. Then slowly he walked into a hug with you gently resting his chin on your shoulder… "I am sorry.." He said in a whisper voice..

Nagisa:

You two hardly ever argued because you two always found a compromise if you guys couldn't agree.. But we all know how nagisa is when he's steamed up.. The thought that he would hurt you would never have occurred to you normally but you remembered all the times he was in close combat.. That look he always got.. Like he wasn't him.. You're mind automatically went to that.. So when he moved his hand to get the hair out of his face you flinched bringing your arms up as a shield.. When no impact came you finally came back to reality and he looked at you with a sad.. Hurt expression but didn't say anything at first after a moment he offered his hand and you took it. "I'd never ever hurt you.. You know that right..?" He asked sadly. You couldn't help but smile.. "Yeah I know. It was just a reflex" you said as you hugged him tightly and he hugged you back with a smile..

Itona-

He's a calm person (without the tentacles) he tries not to engage in arguments there are better ways to resolve something than yelling at each other and your not supper confrontational either but sometimes people get on your nerves one time in particular one of the guys in class was being a perv and it pissed you off you started yelling at him and someone had to hold you back because you were going to kick his ass. Then later Itona said you should control your temper better and you were already on the verge of exploding so you just started yelling at him. He was mostly calm and didn't say a thing. Then you realized what you were doing and you started having a panic attack. He recognized this and walked over to you. He was going to put his hand on top of your head because that always calmed him down. But you flinched and you almost fell but he caught you. He released your arm and told you to breathe once your breathing was normal again he said he could leave if it made you more comfortable. You simply just hugged him and yall ended up cuddling.

Karasuma-

Unfortunately he does yell a little bit sometimes he can also be a bit of an ass hole. But around you he tries to refrain from acting out. But it's difficult sometimes. You often stand up to him when it comes to him being rude to others in the class. Normally he just huffs and walks away then later it's like it never happened. This time was different though. He did walk away but he seemed more irritated than usual. Later you came to check on him and he snapped. He went off because he thought that you and everyone else looked down on him he was so upset that he didn't realize what he was doing but he did stop when he saw your eyes were filled with tears. He freaked out and tried to comfort you. But you flinched when he reached for you. When you came back to your senses he looked like he was about to cry.. "You know I'd never hurt you right.." He asked in a shaky voice… "of course I know that" you said and you walked up to him and hugged him and he wiped your tears away apologizing a million times.

Adults/teachers-

Koro sensei:

he avoids arguments at all costs especially with you so mostly he's willing to change his opinion so he doesn't upset you. But the one thing you couldn't get him to budge on was safety whether it be yours or his students he takes it very seriously. So say you're arguing because you set the kids up on an assasination plan that you didn't account could be dangerous to the students. It wasn't really an argument, he was just gently scolding you as he normally did.. But you didn't like feeling like he was talking down to you like a child.. So you started arguing with him and he argued back playfully without realizing you were serious. He moves his tentacles sometimes when he talks but it had never bothered you before.. He did it to emphasize his point but something from your past made you deem it as a threat. You flinched but managed to grab his tentacle firmly before it touched you. He took a moment to process what had happened but when he did he noticed you trembling.. "Y/n..?" He asked you slowly.. "Are.. Are you alright?" He asked you, realizing the crushing grip on his tentacle. That was a defense technique Mr k had taught the class. Normally this move would have broken some bones in order to provide you an advantage point and give yourself an opportunity to get away. However he didn't have bones- "Y/n please do not be afraid of me harming you. I would rather self terminate than harming a person I love" he said you hugged his tentacle you had been holding.

Mr. krasma:

He wasn't the type to yell at all; it wasn't effective and normally made things worse. Normally when y'all are arguing one of you (usually him) leaves to go blow off some steam then come back and talk it over arguments never got to the point of screaming at each other.. Until now… you both had pretty crappy days and started talking it out. Most of what you guys were arguing about was something stupid but you two were going back and forth yelling when he finally controlled himself and got quiet.. And you expected to be hit. He went to run his hand through his hair but you flinched.. causing him to stop in his movements slowly bring down his hand keeping it in your range of view. He didn't say anything, he looked emotionless on the outside but inside he was desperately trying to formulate the best thing to say.. "I'm sorry.." you said shakely "don't apologize. I should have controlled myself better. I apologize.. I want to make it clear to you that I will never touch you in anger. I don't fully know what happened in your past but I can assure you it won't happen again with me around" he said calmly. "Can I have a hug..?" You asked him, he stepped forward at a respectful pace and waited for you to initiate the hug. You did and wrapped your arms around him.

Miss yellow Bi-

She yells but not loudly and she's never really serious when she yells or gets mad personally I feel that in a serious argument where she can't joke her way out of it she would just get more quiet and serious about the situation when it comes to actually being in a relationship she's more of the submissive type she hates when you're mad at her so she tries to avoid arguments but sometimes you guys still fight but it never gets too serious you guys don't actually yell at each other. Maybe you said something that struck a nerve and she stopped talking. You didn't like the quiet.. you apologized already panicking. She calmly walked over to you to calm you down because you had panic attacks sometimes, but you thought she was mad. She reached for you to move your hair out of your face and you flinched… She stared at you in shock for a moment then her entire being filled with dread.. she took your hands "Hey baby I'm not going to hit you ever. Okay ..?" She said internally she was freaking out but she tried to play it cool. She managed to calm you down and once you did you guys cuddled for the rest of the day.

Lovro-

He's emotionless most of the time and it scares you during arguments but yall don't really argue most of the time if he disagrees with something you said he doesn't say anything. He knows he's a big scary guy that looks like he could kill someone with a look. It's his worst fear to have you see him as a monster so he's really patient and soft with you. But you have a problem with voicing your feelings or telling him somethings wrong. His way of bringing you up when you're down is to challenge or question you to get your head back in the game. Some tried it this time but it didn't go well. You had already had a bad day so you just started crying due to stress. Bro frose so fast and went statue mode he looked mortified he couldn't think of anything to say either which didn't help he thought you were a touchy person so he decided to comfort you physically which.. didn't go so well.. flinched and fell to the floor covering your face crying even more now.. he wanted to leave but he couldn't just walk out with you like that. He was at a loss so he decided to just sit. He sat on the floor at a respectful distance from you and waited for you to calm down. Once you did he tried to comfort you. "I need you to know I will never hurt you." He said calmly "I know" you said quietly. you guys kinda just sat on the floor for a while because he didn't move unless you did.

Grip-

He doesn't do arguments he's a pretty chill guy when he's not on work and he's very patient as well (a kid literally put hot sauce up his nose and afterwards he was completely chill) he does get irritated sometimes tho especially when he's insecure about himself his hands specifically and you're being all happy and trusting of him hurting you is what he's most scared of he was having flashbacks of all the times his hands were used for lethal purposes. When you came up and hugged him.. but he seemed stiff tense you asked why but he didn't answer "Honey let go.." He simply said you did so and looked at him confused and worried "Are you alright?" You asked him "Yeah I'm fine I just.. want some space.." He replied. You frowned.. "Did I do something wrong..?" You asked him "no I just want space" he said sounding Irritated you looked sad but nodded and left him alone. Later however he approached you but you were convinced he was upset with you that you had done something wrong. So when he went to reach for you, you flinched. He lowered his hand he looked devastated "I'm sorry.." he said after a moment. You recognized he was insecure and went to hug him "don't apologize it was a reflex." You said "so you aren't scared of me..?" He asked you, looking into your eyes. "Nope" you simply said, hugging him tighter.

Gastro-

He's used to making people flinch he makes a lot of people uncomfortable. But not you, you never seemed uncomfortable with him. He's not the yelling type he's calm and collected. He's logical he thinks a lot. He knows yelling only tends to make things worse. He does get frustrated sometimes though. One day he came back from a failed job and he was frustrated. When you asked him about it he started ranting for like 20 minutes and him being this frustrated put you on edge. He doesn't touch his gun when he's around you but this time he was carrying it around and waving it and you weren't sure if the safety was on or not. He finished his rant and looked at you. He totally forgot about the gun in his hand and he approached you. You flinched and backed up into a cabinet hurting yourself he realized why and quickly set the gun down. But he didn't approach you. "Are you alright..?" He asked you. You brought your arms down from your face "I- uh yeah." You said stuttering slightly. "Can I come closer?" He asked you. You smiled thinking it was sweet he asked you that. "Of course," you said. He then wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in your neck. "I'd never hurt you" he reassured you.

(I was going to do smog but I don't know how to write him)

The end-

[circusd0g]

"No, You're Hurting Him!"

"I Can Hear You, Please Stop!"

"Please, Just Go Away! Go Away! Stay Away!"

"Get Off Of Him! Stop Hurting Him!"

why couldn't i say those things? why must he have hurt us so bad, out of sight? why us? why me? it's better us than anyone else i love, i suppose. better us having a near-breakdown over something that 'ended' two whole fucking years ago than anyone i love. i'd rather take a knife to my own throat than see someone i love hurting just a fraction of what we've felt.

and sometimes, it seems like...

no. i scare myself. i tell myself, "That's Not Me." but in reality, it is. it is me. it is me when i say that. and i hate it. i hate it so much i want to... fuck. i'm stuck in this horrible loop.

i'm sorry, please don't be sad. please don't cry because i feel a little sad at nightime. g*d, i need to stop typing. i need to stop. i need to... no. stop it. that's not me, that's him, that's him, stop get out leave you're gone you're gone you're gone

[slade-neko]

Saw this video game tag thing pop up on my dash a few days ago. Wanted to do it.

1. First game you played obsessively? Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, I believe I was 5yo. Still waiting on that FF7 Remake treatment.

2. A game that has influenced you creatively? Writing, drawing, etc. Well if I play a game and like it, then I'll create sims of it. Does that count?

3. Who did you play with as a kid? My brother from the day I was born.

4. Who do you play with now? My brother FROM THE DAY I WAS BORN.

5. Ever use cheat codes? I wasn't lying when I made this post. {link}

6. Ever buy strategy guides? Yes! Mainly to look at the artwork though. (Don't need no guide!)

7. Any games you have multiple copies of? Lots of games, most being Left 4 Dead with 6 copies (3 Xbox 360, 1 PC case, 2 PC digitally.) What can I say, its a GOOD GAME!

8. Rarest/Most expensive game in your collection? Gold cartridge Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time (maybe that's rare?)

9. Most regrettable purchase? I don't regret my purchases, but I have received games I have never played like Cubix (PS2) no clue where that game came from, but I have it somehow. Madagascar (Xbox 360) came with my Xbox 360, never opened it from its case. And Monsters Inc. Scream Arena (Gamecube) or something... it was a gift.

10. Ever go to a midnight game release or stand in line for hours? No, because then I'd have to interact with people.

11. Have you ever made new friends from playing video games? I'm only friends with people BECAUSE of video games, so yes.

12. Ever get picked on for liking games? No, that'd be ridiculous.

13. A game you’ve never played that everyone else has? Probably a lot, I'd say Call of Duty, but I technically played CoD 1, 2, and 4. The campaign mode was alright, but I don't really care for CoD games at ALL.

14. Favorite game music? Koji Kondo and Grant Kirkhope are two BIG ones.

15. If it was a requirement to get a game related tattoo, what would you pick? Triforce is the most basic option, but I'd rather not get a tattoo.

16. Favorite game to play with your friends IRL? Super Smash Bros. Brawl with hacks, but that was over a decade ago.

17. Ever lose a friend over a game? No, that'd be ridiculous.

18. Would you date someone that hates gaming? No, that'd be RIDICULOUS.

19. Favorite handheld console? PSP. 3DS is great, but PSP Monster Hunter has ALL of my portable gaming memories. Like playing in school after End of Grade tests with my friend.

20. Game that you know like the back of your hand? Sims 4 I like to think I know everything about Left 4 Dead. Quite a bit about Monster Hunter, more so of a series though than a specific game.

21. Game that you didn’t like or understand as a kid but love now? I'd say Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic. I loved it as a kid, but had a lot of complex pen & paper RPG mechanics that I never understood. I understand a lot more of it now, but its still complex as all heck. I just know you hit things, they die.

22. Do you wear game related clothing/accessories? That's the only thing I wear.

23. The game that you’ve logged the most hours into? Not sure so I'll list a few. Sims 4, Smash Bros. Brawl, Monster Hunter (its a series though), or Left 4 Dead

24. First Pokemon game? Leaf Green

25. Were you ever an arcade game player? No, don't like paying to play.

26. Ever form any gaming rivalries? No.

27. Game that makes you rage? I don't get mad at games, but I had a custom modded Hard Eight mutation in Left 4 Dead that is absolute bullsh*t!

28. Ever play in a tournament? No, because then I'd have to interact with people.

29. What is your gaming set up? A giant wall of video game consoles spanning from NES to Switch, 4 TVs, but I sit at a desk with a PC.

30. How many consoles do you own? "I own every console that's ever existed." - I Don't Play Games When I Play Games (My STRENTH) original song by Smooth McGroove BUT no seriously I own 32 consoles including handhelds.

31. Does the 3DS and/or Virtual Boy hurt your eyes or give you headaches? Yes. 3DS gave me headaches though I only really played with the 3D feature in Ocarina of Time 3D. I think my eyes broke because I couldn't get my 3D to work very well after.

32. Did you ever play a game based on your favorite show/cartoon/movie/comic? Sure I play games based on a lot of things. Literally any anime game. If I had to pick Dragon Ball Xenoverse is kinda like a dream Dragon Ball game. Oh, Attack on Titan 2 is pretty neat too!

33. Did you ever have any bootleg games or plug-n-play games? Some SEGA plug-n-play thing once. Played it like once and now its lost to time (or my closet.)

34. Do either of your parents play video games? Yes. Mom and Dad played NES Super Mario Bros. My Dad went HARD at that game until he saved the Princess. Then he quit forever.

35. Ever work in a game store? Or do you have a favorite game shop? "Hi. Welcome to Gamestop!"I never want to hear that again, but it was my main store until I went full digital/ online orders.

36. Have you ever shed actual blood, sweat or tears over a game? No, I don't tend to get upset or emotional, but Bill dying in Left 4 Dead made me pretty pissed.

37. Have you played E.T. for the Atari 2600? Do you think that’s the worst game ever, or do you have another nomination? Never played it. I don't really play "bad" games, but maybe Sims 4.

38. A game you’re ashamed to admit that you like? The Sims 4

39. A sequel that you would die for them to make? Dragon's Dogma 2 WHICH I think is actually in development, so I'd have to say Fallout New Vegas 2. C'mon Bethesda you cowards, hand the keys back over to Obsidian so they can make another good Fallout game!

40. What to you think of virtual reality headsets or motion controls? Two part question, two answers. VR Headset to immerse in world, yes. Motion Controls, no.

41. A genre that you just can’t get into? MOBAs and MMOs. I don't like paying to keep playing.

42. Maybe it wasn’t your first game, but what was the game that started you on your path to nerdiness? Nintendo 64 opened me up to what video games could be as a kid. Sad to say my parents' NES didn't really do that for me. And years later Fallout 3 was a big game changer for me too.

43. Ever play games when you really should have been concentrating on something else? Every day of my LIFE.

44. Arcade machine that has consumed the most of your quarters? None. I'd rather emulate.

45. How are you at Mario Kart? Pretty dang good. 3-STARS MARIO KART WII, BABY!

46. Do you like relaxing games like Animal Crossing or Harvest Moon? Yes, both of those. I preferred when Animal Crossing had more character to it. New Horizons looks so pretty, but feels so bland compared to classic AC.

47. Do you like competitive games? No. Not really. Usually amongst friends or if I can get competitive against AI Bots. I love my machine bot friends cause they don't cry like 10 year olds when they lose.

48. How long does it take your to customize your player character? Too long. I've seriously restarted games because I wasn't happy with my character's appearance.

49. In games where you can pick your class, do you always tend to go for the same type of character? Yes, I am always the magic man, my brother is always brute warrior, and my friend is the ranger.

50. If you were a game designer, what masterpiece would you create? I don't really know. Honestly, I'd rather mod already good games to make them better than create something completely new.

51. Have you ever played a game for so long that you forgot to eat or sleep? No, that'd be ridiculous. But I've had a friend fall asleep playing games at my house 3 different times and currently dozes off during our Minecraft sessions. So, maybe that's not a completely ridiculous thing after all.

52. A game that you begged your parents for as a kid? Kirby 64 apparently. My brother tells me we had to count out pennies to buy it. I must've been too young with no recollection, but I believe it.

53. What’s your opinion on DLC these days? It's good if its not in the game's files from the beginning and is actually developed AFTER launch... and pre-order bonuses should be standard DLC a month or two later. Some games have content lost to time because of that pre-order bullsh*t.

54. Do you give in to Steam sales? Of course. If you want a game and its on sale then why not? I typically wait just for Steam sales to get games.

55. Did you ever make someone you hated in the Sims and did mean stuff to them? No? I typically make people and characters I like in Sims. I've made villains like Dio, but he's an anime villain and I don't really HATE him despite the horrible things he's done.

56. Did you ever play Roller Coaster Tycoon and kill off your guests? No. Never played that game.

57. Did you ever play a game to 100% or get all of the achievements? I try to for all the games I really like.

58. If you can only play 3 games for the rest of your life, which ones do you pick? The Sims 4, Skyrim, & Fallout: New Vegas. Mods make them live forever. Left 4 Dead and Monster Hunter are good choices too.

59. Do you play any cell phone games? Those aren't games.

60. Do you know the Konami Code? No? But I'll take a guess. Is it make an IP and forget it exists?

61. Do you trade in your games or keep them forever? Keep forever... even the bad ones.

62. Ever buy a console specifically to play one game? PS4 Pro for Monster Hunter World. It was basically for early access since the PC version was being developed and releasing after PS4, but I don't like waiting.

63. Ever go to a gaming convention or tournament? Sort of. Been to anime cons and walked into the gaming tournament rooms only to walk out less than 10 minutes later.

64. Ever make a TV or monitor purchase based on what would be best for gaming? No, but I'm going to be doing that soon, hopefully.

65. Ever have a Game Genie, Game Shark or Action Replay? Did it ever mess up your game’s save file? GameShark for N64, PS2, Gameboy, and Action Replay for Gamecube, DS, 3DS. And no not really, I would cheat responsibly... but there was this one time at school my friend and I borrowed another friend's Gameboy game, loaded it up with my Gameshark, tried playing, it crashed, loaded it back up, save file corrupted... we just stared at each other jaws dropped, "Here's your game back, dude. Make sure you don't play it til you get back home!"

66. Did you ever have have an old Nokia with Snake on it? No, but I remember seeing them on billboards in the game DRIV3R on PS2.

67. Do you have a happy gaming-related childhood memory you want to share? Every game I play is filled with happy memories (mostly.)

68. Ever save up a ton of tickets in an arcade to get something cool? These tiger plushes. My brother got white and I got orange. They were the coolest. Got a butt load of tickets from some jackpot spinning light game thing as I was good at the timing with repeated jackpot hits.

69. In your opinion, best game ever made? I've played quite a few masterpiece games, but to pick one, I'd say Fallout: New Vegas

70. Very first game you ever beat? Super Mario 64. I was a mere child on a Sunday morning and ate celebratory pancakes made by my Dad.

Wow, that was long... I get the feeling this was supposed to be a "send me ask with numbers" thing, but answering all at once is more fun.

[fics-n-stuff]

Empty Castle

Pairing: JJ x reader

Summary: Three weeks after John B and Sarah Cameron were lost at sea, Kildare is still reeling from the dramatic events surrounding the death of its sheriff. JJ in particular has been struggling to get back to normal, so Y/N goes to try and help him get back on his feet. Sequel to Holding Cell.

Warnings: tiny bit of swearing, v sad JJ

Word Count: 4.2k (about double what I originally intended)

A/N: This took way longer than expected and I didn't mean for this to be so sad but it got real sad, so there isn't really anything beyond platonic until towards the end. I would highly suggest that you read Holding Cell first (perhaps because I worked hard on it and I want people to read it) but if you really don't want to then all you really need to know is that JJ and Y/N were childhood friends but hadn't spoken for two years until they both got arrested on the same day and they decided to be friends again. Cool, enjoy! :)

The bell for the end of school rang and the crowd of teenagers swarmed out, and you made your way to the bike rack along with your friends.

"So, my house for movie night?" Jess said, and the rest of your friends chorused in agreement.

"Actually, I have something else to do." You replied, fastening your helmet. "I'll come by after if I finish up in time."

"What are you doing?"

"I need to go see someone." You replied, quickly getting on your bike before any further questions could be asked. "Later guys."

You cycled out to the house that you knew was where John B lived - basically the entire island knew where he lived after everything that had happened - and left your bike on the porch. The front door was open.

"JJ?" You called tentatively. "Are you here?" You heard movement from one of the rooms and turned towards it, seeing JJ walk out a few moments later. He looked disheveled, shirtless and with messy hair.

"Y/N?" He asked, surprised. His voice was slightly gravelly, like he'd woken up not long ago. "Why are you here?"

"I came to find you, JJ. School started on Monday, you've missed the whole week."

"School started?" His question made you frown in worry. "Wait, how did know I'd be here?"

"Because you're not anywhere else." You answered, putting down your school bag. "Nobody's really seen you. I stopped by at your house and your dad said-"

"You did what?"

"Relax, JJ, it's not as if he has any idea who I am. And he told me that you haven't been home in two weeks."

"I'm surprised he's kept track." JJ muttered.

"Clearly you haven't." The comment made JJ pause. He ruffled his hair and let out a long sigh, looking down at his own appearance. "What have you been doing these past weeks?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "It's kinda blurred. I go to work, I go fishing, I smoke. I really didn't realise that school had started." He crossed the room to the sofa and grabbed a tank top off of the back of it, throwing it on before making his way to the kitchen.

"So I take it you've just been living here." You stated, looking around the mess that had accumulated in the house.

"Yeah. Pope and Lie have been staying away from the place ever since, uh..." He trailed off, pushing his tongue against his cheek and clearing his throat. "But me, I'm here basically all the time. They use Heyward's boat so I've got the HMS Pogue all to myself; they use Kie's car, I get that busted up van." He laughed, but there was a real sadness behind it.

You watched JJ as he made himself a sandwich, and even from a distance you could tell that there was barely any food in that kitchen. A few seconds passed and you spun on your heel, starting to collect empty food packages from around the room.

"What are you doing?"

"Cleaning." You answered matter-of-factly. "If you insist on staying here, I insist that you keep it clean."

"Why do you even care?"

When you turned around to face him JJ was leaning against the kitchen door frame. He wasn't looking at you, rather he was staring at the floor. His body language was relaxed but you knew that that wasn't how he was feeling.

"What happened to the 'giving to whole friendship thing another try' deal?" You replied. "I'm just trying to live up to my side of the agreement."

"Maybe that wasn't such a great idea."

"Okay." You muttered after a stretch of silence. "Let's try this again later. You go off back to your bedroom or whatever, I'll clean up here and we can reconvene at a later time." You pushed past him into the kitchen to look through the cabinets for trash bags, and when you found them you pushed past him back to the living room.

"Y/N-"

"I'm not leaving, JJ, so don't even try it." You interrupted, throwing empty bottles and cans into a trash bag. You heard him mutter something under his breath and disappear down the hall, slamming the door shut behind him. You scoffed and continued clearing the house.

You got rid of all of the trash from the living room and the kitchen before knocking on the door to the room JJ had shut himself in. By now he'd had about half an hour of preparation for a civil conversation.

When you opened the door he was lying on his back on the bed with a hat covering his face, but you knew he was awake because he kept fiddling with his fingers and tensing and untensing his jaw.

"You ready to talk about it?" You asked softly, taking a seat at the foot of the bed.

"No." He mumbled, his response muffled by the hat over his face.

"Want a hug?" He didn't answer, so you took his silence to mean 'yes but I don't want to say it out loud'. You kicked off your shoes and shuffled up the bed so that you were lying beside JJ, draping an arm over his body and resting your head on his chest. He let out a long sigh and slowly wrapped his arm around your body, pulling you in closer.

You stayed like that for a long time, just listening to yourselves breathe while you waited for JJ to be ready to talk to you.

"We really ran off a cliff, didn't we?" He finally broke the silence, his voice quiet and full of emotion as he removed the hat from over his face. "Pope lost his scholarship, I've become a complete pothead, John B and Sarah are missing. We don't even have the gold."

"Gold?" You questioned.

"We found the wreck of the Merchant, Y/N." He whispered, staring up at the ceiling. "And we found the gold, underneath the Craine house, and Ward Cameron took the whole lot out from under us while the town was on a manhunt for John B."

"Oh my god, JJ!" You exclaimed, sitting up. "You seriously found the Merchant gold?"

"Yep. To finish what Big John started. But it doesn't matter now, it's gone. Just like John B." His voice broke as he said his best friend's name, and you lay back down beside him.

"I'm sorry."

"They could still be out there, right?" JJ murmured. "I mean, they found the Phantom but they didn't find John B and Sarah. Maybe they got picked up by a ship."

"Yeah of course, that's totally possible." You nodded. The silence stretched out again, JJ sniffling every now and then as if holding back from crying.

After a while you sat up, getting JJ's attention and he turned his head to look at you.

"Let's go grocery shopping." You said. "There's barely any food in this house, you need some supplies."

"I haven't really got the money, Y/N."

"My parents just left town and I never spend all of the money that they leave so we can use that." You replied adamantly. "You need to get some human contact, okay? So let's go."

You climbed off of the bed and put your shoes back on before pulling JJ up as well. Reluctantly, he put on some shoes and grabbed the keys to John B's van.

+++

The two of you were out for about an hour. You stopped off at your house to grab the cash before going to the grocery store, where you ended up leading the shopping trip because JJ apparently had basically no knowledge of nutrition. Being with another person seemed to bring JJ out of the haze that he had been presumably for the past few weeks; he even smiled at a joke you made while you were at the checkout.

"I didn't expect you to have enough money for a full grocery shop." JJ said as the two of you packed the food away in the kitchen.

"Well, because my parents don't talk to each other they also don't coordinate their trips out of town which most often results in them both leaving money for me." You explained. "I never tell them, I just keep the extra cash as compensation for the neglect." You smiled, closing the cabinet you had been packing things into and turning around to take a seat on the counter. JJ finished putting away the last of the groceries and leant against the wall opposite you, folding his arms over his chest.

"Why'd you really come find me?" He asked.

"Well, after John B and Sarah got lost in the storm it was obvious that you weren't going to be doing the best." You answered, watching him carefully to gauge how he was feeling. "And when you didn't show up for school all of this week, I figured that you might need a friend to bring you back to reality."

"I, uh, I appreciate that." He nodded, his lips turning upwards into a small smile.

"Happy to help." A silence settled between you again, as it had many times throughout the evening, but it felt a little different this time; slightly more tense, but not in a bad way.

"Do you wanna go out on the boat?" JJ suggested. "The sun's about to set."

"Sure. Sounds nice." You replied, hopping off of the counter. His smile grew and he kicked off the wall, adjusting his hat on his head as he headed back to the front door, you following after.

You took a seat on the bow of the boat while JJ got it going, and you stayed in silence as he drove you out into the marsh. The sky was orange and violet when he anchored the Pogue, and he came to take a seat beside you.

"It's nice, isn't it?" He said quietly, looking out at the sun setting over the water. "I come out here most nights if I'm not still at work."

"Yeah, it's beautiful." You nodded. "What's your job?"

"Busboy in a hotel restaurant. You got a job?"

"Nah, I've got my absent parent money." You looked over at JJ and you could see sympathy in his eyes. "Don't feel bad for me, it's really not so terrible." You chuckled. You didn't need sympathy; certainly not from JJ, who was in a far more difficult situation than you.

You talked idly as you watched the sunset and when the sky turned dark you had settled into silence and lay back on the boat to look up at the stars. The two of you were lying with your hands on your stomachs, your elbows touching with the proximity in the small boat.

"What if they're not out there?" JJ whispered, barely audible.

"Then... we learn to keep going." You answered, turning your head to look at him. "Look, JJ, I was never as close to John B as you were, and I have no idea how you guys became friends with Sarah Cameron, but whether they're out or not, and whether they cane back, you'll always have them with you."

He turned to look at you too, tears shining in his eyes, and you reached a hand out to grab his and interlocked your fingers.

"I know it's cliché, but it's true." You smiled reassuringly. "They left you a piece of themselves to keep in your heart, and nothing can ever take that from you." He held onto your hand tightly, a single tear escaping his eye as he tensed his jaw to try and hold back any more.

"I really miss him, Y/N." He sniffled. "He was my brother, you know." You quickly moved to hug JJ, your body half on top of his as he wrapped his arms around you tightly and buried his face in your shoulder as he started to break down.

You maneuvered the two of you into a sitting position so that you could wrap your arms around him properly, cradling his head in your hand. He held onto you tightly, his tears soaking through your t-shirt and his body shaking with his sobs.

Minutes passed before JJ calmed down, and you held onto his shoulders as you broke away from the hug.

"You'll be alright. Okay?" You said softly, and he nodded. "I'll drive us back." You wiped away the tears on his face with your thumbs with a smile, before getting up to bring up the anchor.

JJ stayed where he was sat while you drove the boat back to John B's house. You docked the boat and went inside, the atmosphere heavy. He took a seat on the sofa while you flicked on the lights.

"Can I tell you something, Y/N?" He asked.

"Yeah, of course."

"I used to have the biggest crush on you when we were kids." The confession left you a little shocked, but you didn't show it, and JJ continued. "John B used to tease me about it all the time. When we were thirteen, after, like, four years of pining after you, he told me that I just needed to man up and tell you... but I never did, and then our friendship kind of just fell apart."

"Why are you telling me this now?" You questioned, and JJ let out a sigh before shrugging.

"I don't know. With John B missing and you suddenly back in my life... it just feels weird." He answered. "But I'm glad that you're here. I think I really need it."

"I think you do too." You chuckled. "Now, I'm gonna make us something to eat."

"Us?"

"What, you don't want me to stay?"

"No!" He defended himself loudly, making you laugh. "No, that's not it at all. I just wasn't expecting you to."

"Well, I have nowhere else to be." You smiled before disappearing into the kitchen.

You busied yourself in cooking, cutting up some chicken and vegetables and throwing them into a stir fry. You were completely absorbed in what you were doing, humming to yourself while you pushed the food around the pan with a wooden spatula, so when you felt a hand on your shoulder it made you jump.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." JJ apologised quickly, taking a small step back. "I said your name but you didn't hear me."

"Oh, really? Sorry." You chuckled. "What did you want?"

"Just... You weren't weirded out that I used to have a crush on you?" He asked tentatively.

"No, of course not." You shrugged turning back to the pan. "I'll admit it was a little surprising, but we were kids and we were super close. Jess used to tease me about that all the time."

"About us being close?"

"Yeah. I remember one time she totally freaked out because you called me pretty. Can you get a couple of plates out for me please?" You heard JJ open a cupboard and take out a couple of plates.

"For what it's worth," He said, setting the plates down on the counter beside you and taking out some cutlery. "I still think you're pretty."

"Aw, thanks JJ." You smiled. "You're not too bad yourself."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He countered, feigning offense, and you laughed.

"Nothing. You're a good looking guy; not at all like the chubby cheeked little kid that I used to know."

You dished up your meals and you and JJ went back to the living room to eat. You kicked you legs up onto the sofa with your plate on your lap and tucked in. It was later in the evening than you would usually eat, so you were eager to get some food into your stomach. Even still, JJ practically vaccumed in the food and finished before you did. He took the plates back through to kitchen when you finished.

"You gonna head home any time soon?" He asked.

"I'm not in a rush." You shrugged. "I'll just be going back to an empty house." JJ hummed in acknowledgement. He lifted your legs up to sit on the couch beside you, putting them back down on his lap once he'd gotten himself situated. Maybe him being in such a vulnerable situation earlier had accelerated your connection, but it was like those two years that you didn't talk at all never even happened; you were just as close as ever, if not more somehow.

"You're gonna stick around, right?" He said, turning to look at you. You tilted your head slightly.

"Of course." You reassured, smiling. "I'm not gonna leave you now, of all times. Besides, I missed you and we were supposed to be trying the friendship thing again anyway."

"Yeah, the friendship thing." He muttered, downcatsing his gaze, and you frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"JJ, you can tell me." You took your legs off of his lap and crossed them under you, shuffling forwards towards JJ and lowering your head to try and catch his gaze.

"I..." He began but trailed off immediately. He let out a loud sigh, running a hand over his face and through his hair before taking a deep breath. "I know that I might just be saying this because I'm kinda fucked up in the head with my friends being lost at sea and all, but I think I still like you Y/N. As more than a friend." He rambled.

"JJ, we didn't speak to each other for two years." You replied, taken aback by what he was saying and trying to introduce some reason into the conversation.

"I know- I know that, Y/N, but... it doesn't feel like anything has changed for me." He explained, mirroring your body language and crossing his legs under himself to face you. "I get it, it's stupid, but I can't help that. I mean, I know that we were literally twelve years old but when we were friends before I think that there was something there. Maybe I'm biased because I liked you, but maybe..."

He looked at you, his eyes searching for any tell of what you were thinking, and there was a long pause while you thought.

"Even if there was something." You started slowly. "We were kids, JJ."

"We still are kids. We're sixteen." He argued. "When we were at the sheriff's station I felt something there, even though we hadn't spoken for two years. Tell me you didn't feel it too."

You looked away from him and took a deep breath. You would be lying if you said that you never had any feelings for JJ - he was probably the first real crush that you had - and it was probably your feelings for him that made you react so strongly when he would get himself into trouble. And you did think that being with JJ again felt much the same as it had done back then; plus, you hadn't been lying when you said that he'd grown up to be pretty handsome. Even still, he was going through an incredibly difficult time and you didn't think it would be a good idea to start any kind of relationship.

"Maybe... Maybe there might be something." You mumbled. "But right now really isn't the time to try it."

"Why not?"

"Because... well, you..." You struggled to articulate what you wanted to say.

"Y/N, I know it's a really messed up time, okay? Two of my best friends are lost at sea and I haven't spoken to the other two in weeks. I have lost all of the people closest to me and I feel completely alone, so maybe the fact that you're literally the only person that I have right now is making my feelings more extreme - I recognise that - but that doesn't mean that they're not real."

"JJ, I can't in good conscience agree to pursuing anything with you right now." You replied softly, shaking your head. It hurt you to have to say no.

"Don't you want to try?" He asked, voice a little weak as he looked into your eyes. "It doesn't need to be a huge commitment, we can just give it a try."

You looked over his face, the cogs turning in your mind as you thought through the situation. You really did want to give it a try, you were just worried that it might do JJ more harm than good. But the longer you ĺooked and him and the more you thought about the possibility, the more you wanted to pursue it.

"No promises, no big commitments... but I'll stick around." You smiled slightly, and you put a hand gently against JJ's cheek when he smiled back. "I just don't want you to get into something that's not good for you." He chuckled, taking your hand from his face and holding it in both of his.

"You've always been looking out for me." He mumbled, brushing his thumb over your knuckles. "Where would I be without you?"

"Somewhere messy I'm sure." You smiled.

"Definitely."

You sat in silence for a minute. You were watching JJ's face while he fiddled with your fingers. He let out puffs of air every once in a while like he had just remembered something funny, and it made you smile. You yawned, suddenly realising that you were actually really tired.

"Since I'd be going home to an empty house anyway," you began, breaking the short silence. "Would you be alright with me maybe staying here for the night?" JJ looked up from your hands with an amused smile.

"Of course." He answered happily. "I could use the company."

"Great."

He stood up from the sofa and gently pulled you up after him. Your hands remained connected as he walked you through to the same bedroom as earlier and flicked on the lights.

"This is where I've been crashing." He said, quickly scratching the back of his neck. "You can stay here with me if you want, or you can stay in the other bedroom if you'd rather do that." He became noticeably more tense at the mention of the other bedroom, and you just knew that it was because that was John B's room even though you'd never been there before.

"I'll stay here." You smiled, giving his hand a comforting squeeze. "Can I borrow a t-shirt?"

"Yeah, sure." He let go of your hand and crossed the room to a duffel bag in the corner. "There's stuff in all the drawers so I've kinda just been living out of this thing." He pulled out a t-shirt and handed it to you.

"Thank you." You smiled as you took it. JJ nodded awkwardly and shuffled past you out of the room, pulling the door shut after himself.

You quickly rid yourself of your school clothes and put on the t-shirt that JJ gave you - which was long and baggy on your body - before hopping onto the bed and covering your legs with the covers. He came back in not long later carrying two glasses of water.

"I figured you might want a drink at some point." He mumbled, setting the glass down on the bedside table. You gave a grateful smile and quiet thanks as he turned on the bedside lamp and then went to turn off the main light.

"We used to have sleepovers sometimes when we were kids." You mumbled as he walked around the bed and climbed in beside you. "Do you remember?"

"Yeah, of course I do." He smiled, lying down. "We used to stay up until midnight thinking that it was a big deal."

"It was back then. Midnight is really late when you're ten years old."

"I miss when little things like that could be so exciting." He sighed, staring up at the ceiling. You looked down at him thoughtfully, absentmindedly reaching out to brush a piece of hair out of his face.

"Well, anything can be exciting with the right company." You said softly. His eyes shifted to connect with yours and he smiled ever so slightly. "We have the whole weekend ahead of us, maybe we could do something fun. Go surfing, like old times, maybe?"

"That sounds nice." He murmured.

You shuffled down the bed to rest your head on the pillows and reached over to flick off the table lamp. You lay on your side facing JJ as he remained looking up at the ceiling. With the moonlight coming through the window you could just see the silhouette of his face and a slight shine where the light reflected off his eyes.

"What are you thinking about?" You whispered after a while.

"Lots of stuff."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Maybe tomorrow." He answered with a sigh, turning his head to look at you. "But thanks."

"No problem." You smiled. "We'll talk tomorrow." You shuffled towards JJ and curled into his chest as he wrapped an arm around you. You felt him press a very light kiss to the top of your head and it made you smile. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." He replied, holding you a little tighter, and you fell asleep in each other's arms. For the first time since John B and Sarah went missing, JJ had some comfort and you were happy to be the person to provide that for him.

[writersperpetualblock]

Breakfasts in a broken home.

A/N; Cuz I’ve got a major crush on older men. This was originally written as a Jeffrey Dean Morgan × Reader thing but halfway through I changed my mind to my very neglected baby Chris Evans of whom I never write anything. So here is.

Summary; How much can a broken marriage hold when there is nothing left to hold on to? You can try to ignore it, you can try to run from it. But the truth will always catch up to you.

Warnings: Sensitive topics such as depression, malnutrition and divorce.

••••••○

Reader PoV.

Waking up was hard, the air felt chilly even when the sun was already high up in the sky. A soft sigh escaped me as I turn around, half expecting my husband to be lay sleeping by my side. Half expecting him to be on the other side of the country, working.

Not surprisingly enough I find the second one to be the truth. Neither confusion nor disappointment drowned me anymore, now it felt more like a huge wave of empty crashed inside me. Just last night he had gone to sleep on this bed, craddling me in his arms, even after our heated fight. I closed my eyes, and without warning a tear escapes me. I knew what I was getting into when I married him, I knew he'd always be trapped in tons of work and have important things to take care of all the time. It was just sad that I wasn't one of those things anymore.

I could not gather the strength to get out of bed. I simply couldn’t. Not today. Not without my Chris.

Someone slowly knocked on the door. I was quick to wipe the tears from my eyes, hoping anyone would come through the door but my son.

“Come in” A skinny girl pushes the door open and enters the room head down. I was never a fan of having maids, but Chris insisted he wanted to give me the best care whenever he was away. And after a while of what would have been very lonely weeks at a time, I came to appreciate their company.

“Joan” I acknowledge the girl just a few years younger than me and with a baby boy near my owns age. She carried a tray in her hands and much to my dismay I sat up and instructed her to leave it on the night stand. She did so and gave me a small but bright smile.

“Mrs Evans, the kids asked earlier if they could go to the town’s annual fair that's taking place in a few hours. Of course Matteo wished to come ask you himself but I told him you were still asleep“ her brown eyes scan me, as if trying to decide what my reaction is going to be.

“I don’t see why not.” I try to give her a smile “Thanks Joan, you may take them yourself. I'll give you some money for the boys. Buy icecream, cotton candy or whatever they want and bring them back for dinner, all right?”

She nodded and walked out of the room with a smile. Then her head popped at the door again. “I will get them ready now and I'll tell Mateo to come say hi before he leaves.” She trailed off, seemingly unsure of her next words “He has not seen you out of bed in days Y/n.”

My eyebrows rise at that, and she closes the door behind her. Can't be mad when she's telling the truth, but the reprimand isn't exactly appreciated.

Taking one look to my breakfast I sigh, I didn’t feel much like eating today. But with Joan's words pounding in my head, I knew I needed some strength. If not for me for my son. But before anything else I reached for my phone to send out a single text.

: Where did you go?

As I awaited a response I slowly got out of bed and heade to the bathroom between dizzy steps, trying to recall the last time I had more than a granola bar and chocolate to eat. Not being surprised by the fact that I didn’t even remember. While brushing my teeth I managed to avoid a glance at the person on the mirror. Not wishing to see her swollen cheeks, or the dark circles under her eyes or her mistreated skin. After a layer of particularly pink lotion to my face and a cold water rinse I felt a tad more awake, trying not to sprint inside the bedroom at the first ring of my phone. No, instead I took my time drying my face and putting some handcream on. Finally heading out of the bathroom and straight torwards the phone.

Chris♡: They called me in to retake some scenes. Will be home by night.

Of course. The phone found itself being dropped back in the bed rather harshly. Like we didn’t have a marriage emergency going on.

I almost chuckle, marriage emergency… what kind of selfish bitch was living within me. It was his work, mostly what gave me and my son the spectacular roof over our heads and brought food on the table since I pretty much quit my job. I shouldn’t expect it to be less important. It’s not like his family was at stake here.

Suddenly shutting my senses to my thoughts I attempt to shake them off my head. But I can’t. All I do is contradict myself, all there is is a never ending inner fight with myself and it was making me lost. I had a son to look after. I needed to be more supportive of my husband. Of myself when it came to that. But I felt mentally and physically exhausted. And it needed to stop. Start with your breath...

When I consider that I have collected myself enough to pick at my breakfast and turn around there is an expectant little figure by the door. And I feel the wind knocked out of my stomach.

I gave him a small smile. “Hey baby” he quickly runs up to me and my body crouches on instinct, lifting him from the floor and squeezing him into my arms. I breath in the scent of his blonde waves. For a moment, all of my inner fight had dissipated. All of the struggle forgotten for a second and there is a smile on my lips. A true smile.

“Good afternoon momma” he wraps his short arms around my neck. My nose itches and for a second I think I may cry.

“oh I love you baby” I reply, sitting him on the bed. The pain on my lower back not going unnoticed as I do so, but I have mastered the art of acting and sit next to my son.

“Adrian is still getting ready momma, can we watch tv?” he looks up at me, baby blue eyes sparkling, just like his father’s do. "Mhmm" is all I get out. Could my own kid look less like me? It's as if Chris made him solo and I simply carried and gave birth to his offspring that had nothing to do with me.... maybe the nose.

We sat back on the bed. Matteo watching a cartoon, and me trying to eat my food like a little girl being watched eat, almost obligated. With a sigh I take a spoonful of oatmeal to my mouth. It wasn’t bad really, warm and creamy. I eat half of the plate and share a cookie with my son. We both lean back on the bed, Matteo with his small body against my side. I took a second to enjoy it but it didn't last. Joan knocked on the half open door, her son by the hand. "We are ready to go!"

Matteo smiled widely and jumped off the bed, sprinting towards them but stopping in his tracks and heading back to me. I giggled as he left a loud kiss on my cheek and then ran again to his friend. I instruct Joan where to find some money and she smiles, thankful. When their steos are out of earshot I turn the tv off and fill the bathtub with hot water. Deciding to make myself useful or something on this day.

It had been sometime since I'd last taken a nice bath. It was really cold outside so normally a quick shower would suffice, and I'm sure it was more than a day ago since the last one. Yes, I should be ashamed, but I didn't care too much. It's not like I was doing anything too exciting inside these many, many walls.

••••○

Answering the 14th call of the hour a hand runs through my hair as I sit down on the small bed of the trailer.

"Hey Chris, what's up?" There's a tone of worry that I recognize.

My head starts spinning with possible answers, but I shake my thoughts away. "I'm fine, it's just Y/n."

"Oh, is she doing okay?"

"Not really." there's a pause as he gives me time to get my thoughts together "She isn't getting out of bed. She barely eats, she doesn't spend time with our son... I feel like it's my fault, because I'm always away and I've neglected her so."

"Hey I don't think it's that, she knows you need to be away Chris, I'm sure she understands that even if it's hard. And she can take care of herself."

"Yes I know she understands, but, just last night we had a fight. It was the first time I'd been home for weeks and she fights with me."

"You guys have a son that's 3, just couse she understands I don't think it's any easier on her, so you gotta give her some credit."

"I'm worried that she doesn't pay attention to him, what if he thinks it's because of him? I don't know how she might treat him when I'm not there."

"Chris! you know better than anyone else how much she loves Matteo. I couldn't possibly think of her as much as putting her hands on him, much less being mean."

"I know... I just worry, and all kinds of things just come up in my mind."

"Well you need to home more man, if you don't even know how things go in your house maybe it's time you quit."

"What? Scott I signed a contract, I can't just" my back hits the bed with a loud creak and I shut my eyes.

"Break it, I'm not saying it's forever. But you both have a lot of money. It could probably sustain you guys for a lot more years. Your wife needs you brother, and so does your son."

"I can't just..."

"Chris this is your freaking family!"

"I know dammit I KNOW!" Inevitably hot tears fill my eyes and I have to wipe them with the back of my hand.

"What are you so afraid of?" Scott asks and it makes tears to well up again.

A shocked sob came out with the next words "That she's gonna want to leave."

"Chris, Y/n loves you more than a human being can love. You can go and fix your marriage now, or you can keep working until the amazing woman that sits at your home sinks into a bottomless depression that drowns her and your son with her."

My brother's words hit me. I knew it was getting bad, but I was too scared to deal. It was easier being away and pretending I had a happy marriage at home waiting for me every time. But reality was creeping in more and more, I noticed that yesterday.

"What did you guys fight about yesterday?"

"Uh.., my drinking."

"Chris... you're not abusing it are you?"

"No I'm not, I just, had a few glasses because I was finally home. After weeks, and she got mad, said Matteo shouldn't have to see me like that, and I got mad because I really wasn't drunk," My head hurts at the memory of it "it got heated... fast, and I threw a glass against the floor and she got scared and I just... I feel like she sees me like stranger Scott."

"I would see you as a stranger if you were never home and on top of that started acting up when you were. I think you guys should take sometime off, talk things and maybe go to couple's therapy or some shit, I don't know. But you two have a kid, spend some time with him, don't fuck him up just because the two of you have problems. The jobs not worth it, the money's not worth it, at the end of the day, nothing is worth more than your family."

"I fucking hate when you get all deep with me" I chuckle, sitting up and resting my fforehead in one hand.

"That's only because I'm right." my brother laughs too.

"How about you? Are you guys doing alright?"

"Don't worry bout us, we're still on the honeymoon phase"

We both laugh and say our goodbyes, having my brother pep talk me. I knew I had to get my family back, even if I hadn't really lost them, yet. But I needed the incentive to do so.

Reader

The baths I prepare are pretty damn good, dare I say so myself. Laying back on the water, taking a few deep breathes. It does wonders. And suddenly an idea pops in my head.

When I was somewhere around 18 I struggled with depression for years. And one of the things that helped me through that was to write down how I felt, how I wished to feel and how I could improve my situation. It was how I took writing as one of my hobbies.

So I started typing away on my phone.

I know I am not as pretty as I used to be.

I never was too perfect, or perfect at all.

And I'm conscious that my body might not look desirable anymore.

Maybe, I never deserved your love.

Or maybe it was you who didn't deserve mine.

But we made it through the hate,

we had something so beautiful.

We made life.

And I wish things could go back to being so beautiful.

But I would still love you if you decided that I'm not enough for you anymore.

I will accept anything.

All I know for sure is just that this can't keep on like this.

We deserve to be happy.

I deserve to be happy.

For the good of the life that we created,

for the good of our son,

we must get better

wether that is apart or together.

"I had forgotten how much I suck at this." I laughed at myself, but that was fine, because it got the message across. I think.

I hope.

Divorce wasn't something new to cross my mind. I just never thought I would want to discuss it, not so seriously. My parents were divorced, and my mom and I did fairly good. My dad did great on the other hand.. It wasn't that I was scared of it really, because I considered myself capable enough.

My only fear was that I would never move on from Chris, I loved him still. I have loved him since our first kiss. But sometimes it felt as if I barely knew the person that I loved anymore. My heart was still clinging to his, but my mind could not be any more distant right now.

If I really wanted to save our marriage I had to act now. But I couldn't do it alone, and that was exactly how I felt that I was.

The water went cold, and I stood up grabbing the nearest towel. Stepping out of the bath I bent down to unclog it, and when I stood back up my ears rang.

I held onto the wall for a second, and it only got worse. The room obscuring and spinning at the same time. I am not sure if I slipped or if I fainted, but I could surely say there was a bit of blood running down my forehead.

And when I finally came back to it, I was already on an ambulence.

"Ma'am. Mr. Evans is on his way, you're okay."

My eyes went to the back of my head, it felt as if I'd been on a damn carousel for hours. What the hell was happening to me?

There was a distant voice asking me things, and all I could reply was dizzy and nauseous several times.

I fucked up, who was going to take care of Matteo. I couldn't take care of him in a hospital. He needed me by his side.

"You should have taken better care of yourself."

[the-fangirl-way]

3: Blush

I stood there in shock, my mind racing, my heart trying to beat its way out of my chest.

"H-Harry, what..what are you doing here?" I finally asked, my mouth catching up with my mind.

"I got bailed out." He said casually as if we were talking about the weather rather than how he had gotten out of prison.

"Bailed out? Your bail bond was set at two hundred thousand.." I said and he nodded.

"Who..what..."

"My father bailed me out, are you going to let me inside?"

"Wha- I don't think that's a good idea-" I started but he pushed past me inside the apartment.

"It's freezing out there." He said plopping down on the couch.

"Nice place."

"Harry you can't just be here, in my apartment, I could get in trouble.. Oh God." I said realizing at any minute Tristan would arrive and there was no telling how he'd react to finding Harry in my apartment.

"Relax, I'm just here to talk." He said crossing his ankle over his leg.

"Harry no really, you can't be here." I emphasized and at that moment the door buzz went off again.

"Are you expecting company?" He asked raising an eyebrow. "Who is it?"

I ignored him and pushed the button.

"Uh, hold on one second." I said into the speaker.

"Avery? Everything alright?" Tristans voice asked and Harry's expression changed from a smirk to an irritated glare.

"Officer Dick Head? You invited him here?" He asked, narrowing his eyes. "Oh my God, are you two fucking?" He asked then and I widened my eyes.

"Harry! That's none of your business! You've got to go!" I said grabbing his wrist to pull him up but he protested.

"No, I want to stay, thank you."

"Well you can't stay!" I said irritated.

"You've got to- oh you can't go down stairs he'll see you! Hide in my bedroom!" I said pushing him to the stairs.

"You've got to be fucking kidding." Harry protested irritably.

"No Harry I'm not, you hide and I'll get rid of him." I said and in a flash his expression changed from irritated to cocky again.

"Okay." He agreed before retreating up the stairs.

My heart was pounding wildly and I couldn't control my breathing.

What the hell was I going to do?

Thinking quickly I pulled my hair up into a messy bun, ruffled my clothes and grabbed a blanket, wrapping it around myself.

"Come up." I said weakly into the buzzer and within seconds I heard a knock on the door.

"Tristan." I said opening the door and instantly felt like the worst person on the entire planet.

He was dressed in a nice button up dress shirt, a pair of nice jeans and boots. His five o'clock shadow was shaved and he was holding a bottle of wine with a ribbon around it in one hand, and a bag of takeout in the other.

"Are you alright?" He asked, his eyes filling with concern.

I wanted to go upstairs and punch Harry in the jaw for doing this to me, ruining my night with Tristan.

"I- I think I'm coming down with something, I've been throwing up all evening." I lied, hoping it sounded convincing enough.

His face dropped and I instantly felt a million times worse.

"Oh."

"I'm so sorry, I was going to call you about five minutes before you showed up." I said trying to sound sincere.

"No, it's fine. I understand, you can't help being sick." He said dismissingly.

"I really am sorry. I'll call you tomorrow?" I offered and he smiled a small smile.

"Sure, yeah, okay."

I reached up and kissed him on the cheek lightly.

"Goodnight." I said before closing the door, looking at his sad expression made me feel like the worst person in the world.

"That was touching." I heard Harry's voice from behind me, causing me to jump, he was leaned up against the doorframe smirking at me.

"I should kick your ass for that." I said and he laughed.

"Or you could kiss my ass.." He said flirty and I rolled my eyes.

"Why the hell are you here Harry?"

"I told you, I got bailed out." He said reinstating what he had already told me.

"Yeah, I got that. But why are you here?" I asked and he was silent.

"Harry seriously we are not in an interrogation, and I can call the police for you just showing up and inviting yourself in my house." I said, my voice more steady than I felt.

"I got evicted from my apartment." He said averting his gaze from my face.

"Okay? So go to your Mother's or your sisters or-"

"No one knows I'm out except my dad and I'd like to keep it that way." He said sternly and I sighed exasperated.

"Well then go stay with him."

"I would like to, only he told me I can't stay with him because he doesn't want a felon in his house the prick." He mumbled and a pang of guilt settled in to me but there was no way in hell he could stay here.

"That sucks, but you can't stay here, I've got a roommate."

"Ah yes, the spunky raven haired nurse." He said and I raised an eyebrows.

"How do you know that?" I asked warily.

"Relax. I got out this morning and saw you two coming out of Wahaca. I wasn't going to approach you on the street." He said walking over to take a seat on the couch again.

"How did you know where to find me?" I asked then.

"The lady at the library desk told me. What was her name, Doris was it? She was quite hesitant to give up your information when she saw me."

"You were following me?" I asked and he shrugged.

"I wanted to talk to you, but I knew you'd probably make a scene like you are now." He said gesturing to me.

"How am I supposed to believe you?" I asked cocking an eyebrow.

"Believe me, don't believe me, I don't really care." He said annoyed, turning his attention to the tv.

"Harry.." I said agitated, taking a seat on the couch, making sure to keep a good distance between him and myself.

"Save it. I came to talk to you about Langston." He said and my that held my attention.

"Now you wanna talk?"

"I'm not being surveillanced and video taped now.. am I?" He asked looking around the apartment warily.

"What do you think I videotape all of my guests and watch it back?" I asked and he shrugged, I rolled my eyes.

"So tell me." I urged.

Harry shifted in his seat to look at me, his expression going from slightly annoyed and smirking to serious in a matter of seconds. His emerald eyes locked on mine.

"You have to swear you won't tell." He started and my heart sped up again.

"Harry I'm a detective I-"

"Swear to it or I won't tell you a thing and I'll leave."

I wanted to know so badly why he had done what he'd done, but sitting here now in this moment I didn't feel prepared at all to find out the truth. And on top of that I couldn't tell Callahan, or record it, or they would file it on Harry depending on the information and possibly arrest him again, and then I would be his target. Harry was a pretty easy going person most of the time, but the fact alone that he had tried to kill someone made my skin crawl with fear of what he would do to me if I told.

"I swear." I whispered and he stared at me a minute before looking satisfied enough to begin.

"Wesley Langston was my sister's boyfriend." He started and I felt myself gasp before I could stop it.

"But, in the interview-"

"She didn't tell anyone except me. Our Mother didn't even know, hell she probably wouldn't have told me if I hadn't found her-" He stopped, his eyes leaving focus, his mind wandering to something in his memory.

"Harry.." I mumbled bringing him back to reality.

"He was an English major at her college, he had graduated two years before her and he was there for the study abroad program." He said and I nodded, urging him to continue.

"They started dating for about two months, she didn't tell any of us I guess because she didn't know where things were going to go and she didn't want him to meet the family and all that jazz if things didn't work.."

"One night she didn't come home, she always came home around midnight or so, she'd say she was out with friends when she was really with him. So that night when she didn't come home I went looking for her. None of her friends had seen her, I panicked worrying if something had happened to her so I called her cell phone. She answered and lied and told me she was at a friend of her's house but I knew that was a lie because I had already been there so I made her tell me where she was, threatening to get the police involved." He stopped, looking down at his hands.

"She was at a hotel, he was already gone when I got there, and I swear if he had of been there I would have killed him." He said through his teeth, I could see him seething, trying to calm himself thinking of the memory.

"What happened Harry?" I asked quietly.

"She was laying on the bed wrapped up in the blanket, she was crying and begging me not to tell mom. She had scattered bruises all over her face, her lip was busted open and bleeding, there was a gash over her eye that was bleeding.."

Harry quit talking, I could see the small tears pricking up in the corners of his eyes, he quickly thumbed them away.

"I took her to the hospital and they sewed the wound above her eye, I told her I would call the police but she begged me not to, begged me not to tell anyone about it and to leave it alone but she knew I couldn't do that, but at the time I promised her. We were released and she stayed with me for a few days until her face healed, we told our Mother that she was staying with me to clean my apartment and spend time with me, and when she asked about the stitches we told her she fell and hit her head on an end table, Mom never questioned it, Gemma had always been clumsy.." He said, this was the first smile he displayed, it was small, but visible. His eyes were puffy from the tears.

"After that, I sought out to find the bastard and do what he had done to my sister, only I knew it wouldn't do me any good except land me in jail, so I decided if I was going to go to jail for something I would make sure he'd never bother her again.." He said finishing his spew and I sat quietly, it was a lot to take in. I couldn't quite place the feeling inside of me, it wasn't pity or disgust, it was something along the lines of compassion. I would never condole killing anyone else but I knew deep down inside my heart that if that had been my sister, or Devlin I would have done the same thing.

Harry sat motionless for a few minutes and the nurturing side of me came out before I could stop myself, I scooted closer and placed my hand on his arm.

"I wish you would have told me before." I said and his gaze transfigured from the floor to me.

"I couldn't, I made a promise to my sister I wouldn't tell anyone."

"Yeah but Harry-"

"No." He cut me off.

"I promised. If I had told you, you would have gotten Gemma and my mother involved and neither of them need to be involved in what I've done, or didn't do." He said, his jaw clenching and unclenching.

I didn't say anything, instead sat still looking at Harry.

He looked a million times better than he since yesterday, the color in his face was starting to come back. His hair had been trimmed and was clean, I wondered if he had taken me up on my suggestion to get a good shower, I assumed he had by the clean clothes he was wearing.

All in all he looked.. good, considering. And he smelled good.

He smelled like irish spring or something masculine mixed with a subtle hint of mint. It was quite the intoxicating smell, but I wheeled myself away from the thought immediately, dangerous territory.

Finally after what seemed like ages I spoke.

"Harry, you can't stay here, I'm sorry but you can't."

He didn't argue or even look upset he just shrugged.

"I didn't think so."

"I'm sorry, if it weren't for the circumstances."

"Save it again, I get it." He said standing up and stretching.

"I'll be fine."

He headed for the door and I followed to see him out.

I opened the door and he stepped out in the hallway turning back to look at me.

"See you soon, Avery." He said, the tone of his voice sent unfamiliar chills down my spine but I brushed them off.

"Harry." I mumbled and watched him walk away down the hallway and board the elevator before I could breathe evenly again.

I quickly shut the door and deadbolted it, my heart racing and my mind matching.

**

Devlin returned home sometime after midnight, she had changed out of her scrubs and was wearing a nice dress and heels.

"You're still up?" She asked when she stepped inside and noticed me curled up on the couch with my laptop.

"Yes?" I questioned and she sized me up.

"Your hair is up, you're not wearing makeup, and you're in your pajamas, I'm guessing Lennon didn't show up?"

I thought seriously about telling Devlin what had happened with Harry but decided against it, if she knew she would probably have a conniption and call the police.

"He got called into work." I lied and she nodded believing me.

"How was your night?" I asked shifting the conversation away from my night and its endeavors.

"It was...good actually. Dr. Stevens took me to this really nice Japanese restaurant and a movie." She said smiling.

"Oh yeah? What movie?"

"The one with Kate Beckinsale and Jonah Hill."

"Oh yeah, how was it?" I asked and a cheeky grin broke out on her face.

"I don't know."

"You dog!" I said laughing and she giggled.

"I know, making out in a movie theater how juvenile am I i?"

"As long as you're happy Dev, I'm happy."

"I am really happy, Eric is a great guy. Now we both have good men." She said and I nodded, my stomach feeling in knots knowing I had blown off Tristan for Harry tonight.

"Well I'm going to bed, see you in the morning?" Devlin offered and I nodded, she gave me a quick hug and headed up the stairs to bed.

I flipped off the tv and decided to head to bed myself, I'd had enough excitement for one night.

When I got upstairs I checked my phone before plugging it in.

From: Tristan

Hope you're feeling better, call you tomorrow?

I sighed knowing that I had blown him off for stupid Harry showing up. I quickly texted back.

Sounds good, goodnight.

I laid down in bed and before I knew it I was drifting off to sleep.

I dreamt of emerald eyes and inky tattoos.

[superbeaverstan]

ゼロ距離 / Zero Kyori / No Distance

君にだけはわかってて欲しい　僕の中の弱い僕を

君だけには言えないってさ　隠してしまうから

「大丈夫？」って問いかける声に　「大丈夫」って頷く僕

震えてる手はポケットの中　しまい込んだまま

それで何を守れるというんだ

ほら　ゼロ距離でも届かなくなって　側にいるのに孤独になって

大切の意味がわからない今日だ

“悲しませないため”ってやつが　結局君の涙になって

溢れ出していく

僕にだけは教えて欲しい　君の中に隠したもの

僕だけには言えないとか　思ってるんだろうけど

知ることが全てではないと　必要な嘘もあると

傷つけること恐れてるふりしてて本当は

傷つくことから逃げている僕ら

ほらゼロ距離でも見落としていって　側にいるのに不安になって

大切の意味に怯えてる今日だ

本当は失うほうがもっと　恐いことだとわかってたって

目を逸らしていた

探して　選んで　声にする言葉　違うな　嘘だな　こんなのじゃないや

近いようで遠くにいる　君に触れたい

今　震える手を差し出したとして　傷ついても構わないとして

まだ間に合うかな？　まだ間に合うかな？

“悲しませないため”ってやつが　結局何より悲しいって

気付いてる今日は

向き合うより重なってたいよ　側にいるとかいないじゃなくて

失くせないものが大切の意味だ

“悲しませないため”ってやつで　守ってたのは君か？　僕か？

何をゼロにしよう

--

Kimi ni dake wa wakattete hoshii Boku no naka no yowai boku wo

Kimi dake ni wa ienai tte sa kakushite shimau kara

"Daijoubu?" tte toikakeru koe ni "daijoubu" tte unazuku boku

Furueteru te wa poketto no naka shimaikonda mama

Sore de nani wo mamoreru to iunda

Hora zero kyori demo todokanakunatte soba ni iru no ni kodoku ni natte

Taisetsu no imi ga wakaranai kyou da

"Kanashimasenai tame" tte yatsu ga kekkyoku kimi no namida ni natte

Afuredashiteiku

Boku ni dake wa oshiete hoshii kimi no naka ni kakushita mono

Boku dake ni wa ienai to ka omotterundarou kedo

Shiru koto ga subete de wa nai to hitsuyou na uso mo aru to

Kizutsukeru koto osoreteru furishitete hontou wa

Kizutsuku koto kara nigeteiru bokura

Hora zero kyori demo miotoshiteitte soba ni iru no ni fuan ni natte

Taisetsu no imi ni obieteru kyou da

Hontou wa ushinau hou ga motto kowai koto da to wakattetatte

Me wo sorashiteita

Sagashite erande koe ni suru kotoba chigau na uso da na konna no janai ya

Chikai you de tooku ni iru kimi ni furetai

Ima furueru te wo sashidashita toshite kizutsuitemo kamawanai toshite

Mada ma ni au kana? Mada ma ni au kana?

"Kanashimasenai tame" tte yatsu ga kekkyoku nani yori kanashii tte

Kidzuiteru kyou wa

Mukiau yori kasanattetai yo soba ni iru to ka inai janakute

Nakusenai mono ga taisetsu no imi da

"Kanashimasenai tame" tte yatsu de mamotteta no wa kimi ka? Boku ka?

Nani wo zero ni shiyou

--

I wanted to let you know that inside me is someone who's weak

I won't be able to say it, though, because I'd hide it.

I nodded and told you "I'm fine" when you asked me how I was

With my trembling hands still inside my pockets,

I asked myself what can I protect with these (hands)

Look - even though there's no distance between us, I still can't reach you; Even though we're beside each other, it's still lonely

Right now, I don't know what the word "precious" means

Saying things like "So that you don't get sad"s just made you cry in the end

The tears just kept on falling

I wish that you'd tell (only) me the things you're hiding inside you

Even if you say you can't tell me (those things), I can feel it, though

Knowing isn't everything, and there are lies that are necessary

We become afraid of getting hurt; we fake it, but in reality

We run away from getting hurt

Look, even though there's no distance between us, we still fail to see each other; even though we're beside each other, we're anxious

Right now, I'm scared of (knowing) the meaning of the word "precious"

Even though I know that losing the truth is so much scarier more than anything else

I still looked away

Looking for, choosing, and saying the words That's not right, that's a lie, that's not what I meant

So near yet so far away, I want you to feel (these emotions)

Now, as I reached out my trembling hands, even if I get hurt, I no longer care

Is this already enough? Will I make it?

In the end, the "so that you don't get sad"s are sadder than anything else

I finally realize it now

Rather than just facing each other, I want us to be together; not just being and not being beside each other

The things that we can't afford to lose - that's what "being precious" means

By saying things like "so that you don't get sad", did it protect you? Or me?

Let's (redo everything and) go back to zero

--

Before I got addicted to Shiawase, this was the song I kept on playing on loop, that's why I tried translating this. But it was kinda hard because I didn't know how to properly translate the lines in the choruses with the words "taisetsu no imi". It's been on my drafts for how many months already. I guess this is the best that I can do/make out of this HAHA but I still really love this song so much - this is still on my "on loop" playlist. It's just so... T___T

[anything-advice-blog]

(1/2) What do I do when things just start changing and shifting and I'm sad and scared about it? I don't know if a lot of people feel this way, but, like, if I'm debating with someone online about something, and they bring up a good point that contradicts mine, I'll spend days or even weeks thinking about if everything I'd been arguing about was wrong. Or if I have some kind of an unpopular opinion and everyone around me disagrees and it gets harder and harder to defend myself. I don't know how

(2/2) to explain it; it’s like being the only one in the world who thinks something, and then discovering that you may be wrong, and feeling so lost and alone and shocked that everything changed and that everyone else knew and they were laughing at you. I fall into a depression when it happens and I get anxiety when I think about it. Is there anyone who understands this feeling? It’s the worst feeling in the world, and I never want to experience it again. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. -Smoky

Hello Smoky,

The fact is, you are not alone. The real reason is? We are all different, we are all brought up in different environments, and taught to believe different things. The world can never stay the same forever and thats the real truth. Things are always changing all the time, politics, pop culture, norms, everything. We catch on to one thing and the next moment its gone. It’s scary but that’s reality. Imagine the shock that reverberated around the world when they discovered that the Earth is round! We all used to believe crazy things, and that sometimes can lead to incessant thoughts about always being wrong, and never being right…

The fact that you linger on being ‘wrong’ all the time, it’s also normal. I feel almost as if you believe that you aren’t normal because you think these things, because you are caught in a small vicious cycle where you constantly believe that you are wrong, and that you are never going to be able to catch on to the rest of the world. You’re wrong, you can. You need to learn how to adapt, learn to accept defeat, and learn to be wrong sometimes because we are never right. If people are laughing you can’t take it to heart because people are just people. We will never be 100% right, they will never be right for laughing at you, but you can’t always be right. You can’t always win all the arguments. We have to accept that people are smarter than us, but we can’t beat ourselves up over it or we are going to fall into a dark hole where we can’t climb back out. Smoky, listen to me. Don’t beat yourself up, laugh with them when you are wrong, don’t linger too long over it. It’s not worth the headache.

It’s okay to have an unpopular opinion, that is usually the way that new ideas are formed. You are different, you think of things differently, and that is something that you should embrace rather than resent. I used to attend an international school when I was in high school. That meant that I meat people from all over the world, people that have lived in 6 different continents in the span of 10 years. People who have stayed put all their lives. People that have travelled the world and witnessed what you’d never believe. We have people who are muslim, christian, buddhist, atheist among a million others. Do we attack each other? No. Although the world isn’t as kind as an international community, we have to come to accept with being different. I’ve gone all my life being told ‘no you are not from America’ even though my grandparents migrated there. I used to cry about it, because I let other people define who I was. But one day I stopped. You have to be adamant and admit that people are not going to like some things about you. But the fact is I hold the blue passport, I also hold a red one. I’m different from other people because I am from two different places. People can’t define you, and you can’t let them define who you are.

The fact is you can’t stop feeling this way, but you can put it out of your mind. You may be too critical of yourself, or you overthink things, but it can slowly stop if you will your mind not to. Remind yourself that it’s okay to be different and that you’re not the only one. You don’t have to defend yourself, you walk away. One day you may find somebody that holds the same opinion as you.

Read this article by the way! I found this and I think it’s pretty good.

https://markmanson.net/wrong-about-everything

Good luck darling,

Message me if you have anything else to ask! PLEASE! I get your situation so much and I don’t want you to feel alone ever again because you aren’t.

Chloe x