#the rest will be a little simpler I think bc oh my god

[galacticcoffee]

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The scene from TYK where Zhou Zishu misses his wife so much he carves one-hundred terrible flutes about it.

[eolewyn1010]

Dragging Frankenstein - Chapter 20, part 2

Second half of the chapter that is, at least for me, the highlight of the book; we left off at the Creature's confrontation of Victor about destroying the unfinished Distressing Damsel.

And then the slave speech. What even is this. I don’t know what to do with this. The sheer fucking hubris which he has picked up from Victor and now tries (and fails!) to turn against him. Finally, the assumption of his own superiority, declaring himself Victor’s master and, in extension of that, humanity as a whole his destined slaves, proving Victor’s fears right after all.

DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR: 14

That’s for his emerging Übermensch mentality.

With the Creature setting himself above Victor, he has completed his Lucifer character arc. Interestingly, he fails to take up where Victor left off; all things considered, now would have been a good time for the Creature himself to start playing God and repair the almost-complete ladymonster using Victor’s notes. He sure is clever enough for that, and he would have some time for it while Victor is out having himself a little angstfest. The fact that he doesn’t even try leads me to the conclusion that the Distressing Damsel was more of a character test for Victor, a plot device for the Creature to escalate the conflict.

On a merrier note, “you have proved yourself unworthy of my condescension”? XD Okay? Don’t be condescending then?

Gawd, these guys are terrible. My last shred of sympathy for the Creature has finally vanished, and for once I feel a tiny bit of admiration for Victor’s thought process and taking a moral stance. Fine work, Shelley.

Oh, and the infamous “I shall be with you on your wedding night.” Well, first off – let’s be honest, this sounds like a threat of the sexual kind. DAS GAY: 33

INCEST VIBES: 15

Then, Victor gets one of those, too, bc he actually thinks he’s in a place to threaten the Creature. “closed with him in mortal strife”, eh? DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR: 15

And finally, his imagination can’t get him any further than to his wedding night being “the hour I should die”. Not like, y’know, the Creature has promised to make you miserable by destroying all you ever loved. Nah, IT’S ALL ABOUT ME: 23

Back to form. Whew, I was floundering for a second there!

…I have to give him another, because he does think of Elizabeth – in terms of her mourning for him. IT’S ALL ABOUT ME: 24

We reach a point where Victor not only fantasizes of being wretched and alone for the rest of his life, feeling isolated from the rest of humanity, but also falls asleep in the grass. Huh, they really have switched roles.

A letter from the boyfriend who’s missing him dearly! Henry, my sweetie! DAS GAY: 34

Oh, good, he does tidy up the laboratory.

…throw the parts into the sea?? Are you kidding me, you dumbass? Can’t you cremate them decently? Ugh, gross.

“I felt as if I was about the commission of a dreadful crime.” Once again, Victor fails to acknowledge that he has, in fact, committed numerous crimes. And tossing rotting corpse bits into the sea, bits that presumably originated from Christian people who thought their body safe in sacred ground, is at the very least defiling graves. (Also, gross.)

The travel across the Irish Sea is just confusing, tbh, and I only really got it when the text outright said he had reached Ireland.

“As I was in a state of extreme debility” …aren’t you always? You just got lost at sea instead of doing the simpler, and way more thorough, stake burial.

“Fortunately I had money with me.” ??? WHY? Do you always take money with you when you go out to destroy the evidence of your crimes?

Thesaurus syndrome strikes again (at least I had to look up “promontory”, sue me; it’s not my mother tongue), and then, finally, some clear information. And someone who snaps at Victor, and makes him indignant at the bad manners. If Henry weren’t dead, I could find this funny.

Not to forget, his bitchy attitude (“instead of offering me any assistance”, “inhospitably” and so on) gets him one for the I SO PRIVILEGED: 11

Get offa that high horse, will you?

Why does he think they should be friendly to him, anyway? They’re Irish, and for all they know, he might well be an Englishman. Granted, this is about 50 years before the Great Famine, but weren’t the English already getting all over the country and helping themselves to all of the land?

And from here on out, it's all downhill. Okay, factually, it was all downhill since Victor decided to play God, but the next few chapters are mainly dedicated to me hating him with all my heart. I'll try to spice it up with a little bit of character analysis regarding his similarities with the Creature, but there is the one or other capslock tantrum on the horizon. Our protagonist got one golden moment here, then continues to be the literal worst. Charming.

[a-libra-writes]

Yearning - Davos x Baratheon!Reader

Requested by an anon, hope you like what I did with it! I really like this prompt, it inspired that Baratheon Sister imagine. I might write a part two or so to this fic bc i enjoyed writing this Reader ^^

Summary: Davos and Baratheon!Reader have been dancing around their feelings for years. The oncoming war finally gets them to admit it -- lots of fluff & some angst but mostly FLUFF

If you’d like your name to appear - instead of Y/N - this fantastic extension can help you do that!

He wasn’t normally a man to dwell on hindsight, but Davos should have stopped her the moment she set foot on Dragonstone. He should have known she’d be here eventually, he should have had men he trusted waiting at the shore. He didn’t think she’d barge her way in so quickly.

Well, that was his own foolishness. It had been some years since Davos had last seen his king’s younger sister, but he should have known her fiery personality wasn’t steadied in the slightest. She had Robert’s good humor, Renly’s natural magnetism, and all of Stannis’ stubbornness. The old knight had only seen them truly butt heads once, and that wasn’t over the matter of the realm.

Davos ran up the narrow, dark staircase as quick as he dared. This whole castle was a gloomy deathtrap. Just as he reached the stop step, he heard a door slamming and echoing off the walls. Even the candles seemed to flicker from the noise.

Her heels hit the floors so hard, it was a wonder they didn’t snap. Davos thought she’d run straight into him, but Y/N Baratheon stopped short. 

She was breathing hard, some of her hair had fallen out of her tidy Southern braids, and her lips were pursed together so tight he thought she might bruise them.

Davos spoke first to give her a moment to breathe. “Lady Y/N. You’re here.”

Y/N breathed in deeply and rubbed her head as if it pained her. He wouldn’t be surprised if a headache sprang on her now, and he couldn’t help but think of the way Stannis would grind his teeth. Y/N finally said, “Yes. I’m here. I know I should have come sooner.” 

“It was good ya stayed with Robert, to say goodbye. King Stannis … should have been there too.”

“Yes. He should have. He shouldn’t have run when Jon Arryn died, he should have stayed to help Lord Stark - gods, never mind what we all should have done. It’s time to take care of what’s happening now.” She tried to tuck some of her hair aside, just noticing how it was coming undone. 

Davos didn’t miss how quickly Y/N’s anger was fizzling out. All the energy to flee to Dragonstone, then argue with Stannis and come storming out was too much. Unlike the oldest Baratheon, Y/N didn’t thrive off strife. 

“I didn’t know Renly would run, Davos,” She said. “I swear I didn’t.” 

Davos couldn’t stop himself from stepping closer and touching her arm. He’d known her as long as Stannis, after all. She was there during the siege. 

“It isn’t your fault, my lady, you don’t control what a grown man does. Did Stannis say something?”

“Well … No, he’s as upset as I am, but I was there! Renly didn’t tell me anything! It was Lord Stark who told me later, and as soon as I leave here, he’s arrested -! If I stayed, I could have helped him …” 

“No, you should not have stayed,” Davos squeezed both her arms now, addressing her firmly. “It was a good thing to leave that den of snakes, Y/N. Ya couldn’t have done anything for Lord Stark.”

Under any ordinary circumstances, Davos wouldn’t think of touching the sister of his king in such a way, even if they always had been friendly. Lady Selyse would positively riot about it, he knew, and the only thing keeping him in place now was how much he hated the distress on Y/N’s sweet face. Davos wasn’t sure if any of her brothers were aware of how much she worried over them, placated them, tried to mediate between them. While she typically had a good relationship with Stannis, they’d been strained since Jon Arryn.

Davos wasn’t surprised their first meeting in months hadn’t gone well. There was still trouble on her face, but before he could say anything else, he felt her arms wrap around him.

“My lady - you shouldn’t -”

Y/N rested her head on his shoulder. “I don’t trust her.”

Davos didn’t have to ask whom Y/N was speaking of. “I knew you wouldn’t.”

“What do you think?”

It was absurd to think anyone would be hearing in these stony and cramped halls, but with the shadows and facades of dragons came an uneasiness that Davos disliked. He was a superstitious man, what sailor wasn’t, and this castle sent every hair on edge.

“Careful where you speak, my lady.”

Y/N scoffed as she pulled away from him. Davos welcomed the coolness that followed, but Y/N hadn’t let go of him completely. It didn’t seem like the time to point out impropriety, so he stuck to warning her.

“I mean it. It isn’t just her. The Queen’s men, too. And your brother…”

Y/N shook her head, but Davos wasn’t sure if she truly understood the extent of the Red Woman’s influence.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I just … I should lie down. The travelling took much out of me.” 

"Aye, that ya should, my lady. A good rest and a proper meal. You'll be able to talk to your brother easier after that. He needs you on his side, even if he doesn't realize it."

It was so relieving to see a smile return to her face, small as it was. "I missed you, Davos." 

If those sweet words and that smile weren't enough to do him in, Y/N gave him another tight hug. Davos had trouble returning it. It didn't seem right to touch her or have her so close.

"Lady Y/N - you're, ah, a princess now. I can't - it isn't proper to, ah, go around embracin' old former smugglers -"

"Oh, stop." Y/N said playfully, but she finally stepped away. Davos hoped to all the gods that the hall was dark enough for her not to see the blush he was positive he had. "A princess?"

"But if I'm not mistaken, ya were still a princess when Robert was alive."

"Little Shireen and Myrcella are princesses, but if it makes the lords think they're flattering and keeps Queen Selyse from puckering her lips at me, then fine.” 

Davos chuckled. He really had missed Y/N’s wit. It was rare to find such a vivacious woman in court, especially at the Red Keep. Her freedom as an unmarried sister of the King meant she did as she pleased, especially since Robert was not keen on marrying her, in spite of her age. He was roped into cooperation by the Lannisters, and he wanted to avoid that for Y/N. 

It was one of Robert’s few wise moves, Davos knew, and Y/N’s darling face and easy smiles meant he often forgot she was a proper lady. Pleased as he was to see her unmarried, he knew she wouldn’t stay that way with this coming war. Stannis would need to make alliances.

“No dark faces, Ser Davos,” Y/N said, always using his first name, ever since she first met him. “It’s gloomy enough around here. Will you escort me to my room? I can’t navigate this castle for anything.” 

“I will do my best, Lady Y/N. It’s still a foreign place to me.” Davos accepted the arm she so easily slipped into his. It was easy to set aside his feelings when they were entire kingdoms apart, but for the first time in years, they’d be under the same roof. 

Y/N stared at the dark wine in her goblet. Robert never tired of the stuff. She was amazed how much alcohol could fit in one man without him being sick, although sometimes the sick did come. Stannis discouraged Y/N away from Robert’s parties, but she wasn’t an impressionable little girl. She developed a distaste for drink after she’d seen the way it affected Robert’s body and temper.

Now I understand I just didn’t have a reason to drink. Y/N sourly tossed back the wine. She grimaced at how bitter it was, but the taste was quick to dull. She was sipping it at first, then drinking, and now she could gulp. Wouldn’t her dear brothers be proud?

Her self pity was rudely interrupted by a young page. “Pardon me, Princess Y/N. Ser Davos Seaworth would like to speak with you.”

Y/N glanced toward the boy. He was barely old enough to tie his tunic, but it was better than the ambitious minor ladies who wanted to be her handmaidens. Y/N refused to take on any here, especially if they were speaking that Azor Ahai nonsense. This boy was clumsy, but honest. 

“Let him in, dear. You can leave me for the rest of the evening.”

Davos entered her large war tent - a novelty for Y/N - dressed simpler than the page. They watched the boy fumble with closing the tent flap before leaving.

“Wouldn’t ya prefer a handmaiden?” Davos asked.

“No, thank you.” Y/N wondered when her cup got so empty. She was certain she was more than tipsy, so she pushed it aside. Even if she loved his visits, she’d rather not have Davos see her like this. He sat down next to her at the table and took her hand, and gods damn it all, she loved how warm it was.

It used to pain her how clueless she thought he was, but now Y/N was sure he was purposefully rebuffing her. The stark difference in status, the age gap, the matter of Stannis - whatever the excuse was, it just made Y/N’s mood even more gloomy.

“My lady, yer bein’ hard on yerself again. Ya had to know Renly wouldn’t listen. If he was reasonable, ya wouldn’t be here in the first place. He wouldn’t have raised this army.”

Yes, a wonderful change in subject, back to her brother’s treason. Y/N sighed and leaned on Davos, unable to find the strength to keep herself sitting upright. She rested her head on his shoulder.

He was very solid for a man of his age. This was distracting.

“I practically raised him, you know, Stannis and I. He was a babe when our parents died.”

“Aye. And it was yer kindness keepin’ him alive in the siege.”

“Damned right.” Y/N was eyeing the empty goblet and the flagon that still had wine in it. “He was always a pompous little shite in the Red Keep, but this? This isn’t a game, there are Starks in the North, Lannisters in the West and East, and now he’s …” 

She sighed heavily, and after a moment of hesitation, Davos wrapped an arm around her. Y/N could have swooned if she wasn’t about to sway. 

“Princess, he’s made his decision. I know it hurts ya, but he’s not the boy ya knew. Ya said as much when ya were in the Red Keep. He’s his own person now.”

“My name is Y/N.”

“... Aye. There was no question of that.”

Y/N always liked the way he said her name. Maybe that was how her silly crush started, when she was younger. He sounded so different than anyone she’d ever talked to before. She didn’t understand why the other lords sneered about it under their breaths. ‘Talking low’, they said. Y/N could listen to it all day.

Or all night. She thought. That felt impossible now. Her dark mood wasn’t allowing any of her usual fantasties. 

“Ya had enough of this, m’lady.” Davos untangled himself from Y/N and moved the flagon further down the table. He pointedly ignored her grumbling protests.  “It won’t make anything better or change the situation.”

Y/N easily wiggled herself under his arm, pointedly putting it back where it was around her, and rested back against his shoulder. The tent was quiet now. Even if the sound of men walking and talking outside seemed too distant. 

“I like the way you say my name,” Y/N said suddenly. “I know there’s the titles and nonsense. But like this, I don’t want ‘princess’ or ‘my lady’.” 

She felt Davos’ shoulder shift under her, and he carefully touched her wrist. It was the sort of carefulness that Y/N didn’t want - less like she was fragile, more like she was dangerous. Off-limits.

“Y/N, it’s time for ya to lie down. Get some rest.”

She hated the sudden cold that struck her when he moved away and stood up. He did take her hand again, but it was only to help keep her steady. Y/N swayed and held on tight to his hand, easily fitting it into her own. Then he took her other hand, and she felt all the fingers press against her own. It wasn’t fair. 

Y/N didn’t catch what he was saying now, too lost in her own irritable, swirling thoughts. She pressed her head against his chest, where his heart beat through his dark wool tunic. He stopped in the middle of his sentence. 

“Davos,” She said. She felt those hands squeeze her own, and she prayed they wouldn’t let go. The only reason he should let go is to hold her. She hated the idea of him leaving this tent without holding her.

“Y/N, yer upset, and ya had too much wine. Yer gonna be miserable if ya don’t sleep.”

“I’m already miserable, damn it,” Y/N retorted, her misery and self-pity finally coming to a head. She pulled away from Davos’ hands and firmly wrapped her arms around him. “My brothers are going to kill each other and I just want you to hold me.”

She heard the sigh run through Davos’ chest, straight past his quick beating heart, and finally those warm arms wrapped around her. Y/N could die happy right here. She eagerly nuzzled into his embrace, marvelling at how solid and comfortable he felt.

The leather of his gloved hand was brushing across her bare arm, and Y/N felt more drunk than ever. “Stay,” She asked, feeling selfish and stupid, more like a spoiled girl than a grown woman. “Just for a while.”

But Davos had always spoiled her and let her be selfish, and he did the same now. She felt the hesitance as he ran his fingers through her long, soft hair that had long been yanked from their fancy style. 

“Y/N,” He said, his voice so close to her ear that she shivered. “Ya know we shouldn’t. We can’t.”

Y/N finally looked up at him. She shouldn’t have. His blue eyes were always her favorite, always full of humor and affection, just for her. There was all that, but much more. A distinct feeling of desire that Y/N wanted so badly it hurt.

“I’ve always been fond of you, Davos, and that isn’t the drink talking. You know I have.” Y/N spoke softly, but she couldn’t keep her feelings from spilling out as they pleased. “And - you feel the same, don’t you?”

Davos glanced aside, but he didn’t pull away, so that was something. “You and Stannis, yer both gonna be the death of me, Y/N. How am I supposed to stay no to my king and my princess, mm?”

“I’m first,” Y/N said, and the stubbornness made him laugh. Their foreheads pressed together for just a moment, then finally, their lips met.

Y/N loved it, her head spinning with feelings instead of drink. This may have sobered her up. His beard tickled her a little, and she couldn’t help but smile at that. When Davos broke their kiss, he pressed another one on her brow.

“There’s that smile. I missed it. Ya haven’t been doin’ much smiling since this started.”

It was nice to feel like a giddy girl, even with an army of knights and warhorses surrounding them outside the tent. She touched Davos’ face and brought him closer, liking how red his cheeks were in the warmth of the candlelight. Liking that it was her that caused such a boyish blush.

Before she could pull him into another eager kiss, Davos held her wrists. “Y/N, sweet, not anymore. I have to leave soon. I wanted to check on ya before I did.”

“Leave? Where are you going so late?”

Davos hesitated. “Stannis gave me a task. Can’t say more than that. Don’t wanna get ya in the middle of it.”

Y/N had plenty of questions about that, but this was the middle of a war. She’d find out eventually, so she kissed him before he pulled away. “This little task wouldn’t have to do with your former occupation, would it?”

“Yer too clever for yer own good. I’ll come back when it’s finished. Might take most of the night. We’ll talk more about this when we’re back, Y/N. I promise.”

She embraced him tightly then, feeling more secure than she had in months. “I’ll hold you to that promise, ser knight.”

She hated how bright and clear the sky was today. The setting sun was disappearing into the sea and the gentle waves reflected it beautifully. It almost disgusted Y/N that such a breathtaking sunset was preceding a horrible battle.

Her foot tapped the grass impatiently as she waited, but he finally arrived. While most of the men boarding the boats were stubbornly wearing their steel mail, Davos kept to his simple attire. She would bet he was a powerful swimmer, even now. Y/N left her shoes in the grass as she easily scampered to his arms.

He was still nervous about giving her affection anywhere that wasn’t a closed room, but the situation meant he was willing to indulge her. The indulgence almost made Y/N afraid. She recalled back when she confessed to him, how he gave into her so easily, then disappeared in the night. Nothing but chaos followed. Did he expect to die then, and was he expecting to die now?

“That’s not the sort of look I want to leave ya with,” Davos said, trying to humor her. He kissed the crown of her head, like he did when she was very young, then her cheeks, and now her lips. He was generous with his affection and Y/N eagerly soaked it up. The war wasn’t nearly over, and it was pulling at her. 

“I apologize, I gave all my proper looks to Stannis when I told him goodbye. You know how he is when I’m upset, and I know he’ll be successful.”

“You’ve said as much.” Davos kept his arms around her, and Y/N took up her favorite spot resting against him. “Your confidence has given the men a great deal of morale, princess. Especially the ones who don’t … believe everything they’ve been told to believe.”

“I’m so glad he isn’t bringing that witch.”

Her bluntness never failed to make Davos chuckle. He was glad she gave her brother an easy goodbye. The gods knew the two of them had their share of disagreements this past month. Anytime they were in the room together, he was distinctly reminded of two stags fighting in the woods.

“It means he still listens to you. He’ll need our honesty, Y/N.” 

Like always, Y/N was soft in his arms, and he could smell the flowers she used to wash her hair with. She didn’t perfume herself, he noticed, and the floral scent came from plants and herbs she gathered herself. She had thrown herself into this war effort, and had begun to trade her silks for simpler linens, and her jewels for food. 

Standing here in the sunset, with her hair in an easy braid and a flowing white linen dress framing her body, she looked more beautiful than he could have imagined. A princess in spirit and soul. He didn’t deserve her. 

“Now you’re the one leaving me with a look,” Y/N said, holding his face and making him look at her. “The battle will be won, Davos. My brother is a fine commander, and you’re a damned fine sailor. After tonight, the Red Keep will be under our control again, and it will all be over.” 

She looked tired as she said this, but Y/N had been saying it dozens of times to lords and soldiers. For her, it wasn’t a matter if they’d succeed. It was just which battle, and she’d been sitting in on every briefing for this one.

“Aye. If the princess says it, then so it will be,” Davos felt her hair through his fingers, the ones he didn’t need to hide under a glove, wanting to remember how soft she was. That same hand trailed down her back and touched her hips, which he had to admit he loved. Leave it to an old sailor to be thinking about love and desire instead of the battle just hours away.

The sun was reflecting on her eyes, too, highlighting all the love and sweetness she had just for him. She rarely spared lords second glances, and the courting had begun in earnest. The men Stannis had gathered could practically smell the throne in his hands, and Y/N was a direct connection to that.

“Kiss me,” Y/N said suddenly, impatiently, and he eagerly obliged her. She sighed against his lips and he held her close, feeling her curves through her dress and his own tunic. 

Y/N was the one to pull away first, but she stayed teasingly close. “Once this is over, I want to marry on the beach.” 

Davos didn’t expect that. He was usually confident in his words, but Y/N had a way of challenging his wit. “Is that so? I don’t know any lords that would be comfortable marrying around sand and salt.”

“No, but I know a knight who would.” Y/N grinned. It was fun to tease Davos like this, but Y/N was a woman of her word. If she told someone she would tear down the wall of Storm’s End one brick at a time, it would be done.

That was a blessing and a curse to his poor soul. “That’s somethin’ we’ll discuss later, love.”

“I’m discussing it now.” She leaned against him, and Davos fought to keep his hands from drifting too low. “We’ve shared our feelings, so I should give you a typical reason to return home to your lady, right? All the songs say a man who has a promise in his heart comes back safe.”

“Don’t those men usually die some poetic death? I don’t plan on that…”

“I agree, death is absolutely forbidden. You’ll be brought before your princess and punished for such a crime.”

“I think the King will have strong words for me, first.”

Y/N huffed. “Stannis can wait his turn.”

Her pouting turned to a delighted squeal as Davos lifted her up, feeling unusually youthful when he should have been facing the next few hours with a sullen determination. He carried her to the fallen tree she had made herself comfortable on before he arrived. 

Y/N eagerly pulled him back to her, all but crawling into his lap. “When’s the last time you were at King’s Landing, ser knight?”

“It’s been some years. Saw enough of it as a boy.” He was comfortable running his ruined hand up her leg, knowing it wouldn’t upset her. 

“You should show me where you grew up.”

“I’ll walk ya to Flea Bottom an’ point out a shack. It’ll be close enough.”

Her little laugh turned to a sigh as his hand went further up her dress. With little shame, Y/N straddled his lap. She peppered him with kisses as she said, “I want you back to me as soon as possible, Davos. I don’t care what state you’re in.” 

“Aye, love, I hear ya.” He kissed her neck, pulling a heavy sigh from Y/N as his rough lips and beard brushed against her skin. “I will.”

“Good.” She tossed some of her hair so he could get at her collarbone, and she was more than delighted when he did. The gods gave and took, Maester Cressen told her when she was a girl. It was not the place of humans to question that.

Y/N often questioned anyway, wondering why the gods delighted in taking what they pleased from her. Her parents, her brothers. Myrcella may have been far away, but Tommen would not be spared in the siege. At least, finally, they seemed content to give her this happiness, this love. She’d hold him tight while she had him.

[saltine-kakyoin]

ALSO!!! do 13, 15, 19, 21, 23, 25, and 29!!!!! have fun on your bus trip!!! 💖 💖 💖

another one!! thank you! we’re coming up on the florida border in a bit- 2 more hours to go!! (jk- since i’ve been writing this, we crossed into georgia!) have a good day bro!! 💖 💖 💖

13. indoors or outdoors?

Mother Nature slapped when she made the outdoors, but she anti-slapped when she made me allergic to most grasses + trees and THEN gave me eczema so that my skin would be a weenie about everything >:( bc of this, i am unfortunately an indoors person 3

15. five most influential books over your lifetime

oH GOD.. this one is tough, i will have to mfin Dig thru my memories skks. A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki is such a WONDERFUL piece of fiction, it shook my whole soul when i read it as a sophomore and i still think about it... First They Killed My Father + Lucky Child by Loung Ung were really harrowing and educative reads about the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia, and both of these really shaped how i view military occupations + other politics. The Little Book of Hygge + The Life Changing Art of Tidying Up are simpler reads, but they really slapped me in the face + made me realize i was driving myself into the ground just by the way i was living. ik we all love marie kondo- if you haven’t had a chance to read her book, I definitely recommend it!! :3

19. which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?

i wanna meet the legends who answer this by saying they’re a muggle.. That is BDE at its finest. i’ve taken a few quizzes over my lifetime, and they all agree i’m a gryffindor?? but i just can’t see it. i’m like a ravenclaw w hufflepuff tendencies yo. :(

21. do you love easily?

SO *cracks knuckles* i am. a clown. I become infatuated really easily, but romantically?? idk i struggle to actually love. platonically tho, hell yeah. i give my love out by the bushel yo, we’re all jus sufferin in this mad world + a little bit of love can go a long way!

23. how often would you want to see your family every year?

this is a fun question bc my sister + her fiance + their son moved out a few months ago, and I’ve been dealing w withdrawal and separation anxiety ever since lol. ideally, the longest i ever go without seeing them would be like. 6 months. i don’t think i could go any longer than that lol. The rest of my family can yeehaw, they all have really yikey things about them so if I don’t see them for multiple years at a time then like... that’d be ok lmao

25. could you live as a hermit?

NO. i don’t like to go out That Much but i need social interaction, without it i’d Die

29. three songs that you connect with right now

The first one would be Crossing a Bridge from the musical, Anastasia! Once this upcoming semester is over, my life is going Heavily Askew and part of me is super excited for it. part of me is also deeply terrified lmao! i’m jus halfway between where i’ve been and Where i’m going.. the second would be Hysteria from the Light in the Piazza, for the same reasons. i have where i’m going and what i’m doing mapped out, but actually following that plan is *SCREAM* yk?? but i’ll make it work. i just have to not overthink it lol The third is California by Childish Gambino!! it’s a funky song that reflects my Funky State of Mind rn, esp about probably moving to tennessee?? “she want to move to california/she must have lost her fucking mind” like bro me @my own damn self lmao!!

Thank you again for sending these, ruth!! You already know, but ilysm!  have a good day!

[thelastlesbean]

fogged up glasses

It's so dumb. Really just so dumb. Robbie got new glasses after someone (Carter) broke his glasses (in a battle of glasses vs wolf the wolf always wins) so yes new glasses. He got them online, which honestly was his first mistake.

They're just so dumb, because like as if it wasn't horrible enough already every time he sees Kelly he gets butterflies that spill through the rest of the pack like a wave, now there's physical proof as well. The new glasses fog up. Every single damn time.

Robbie just has to look at Kelly (and his ridiculous dimples and cute smile and hair that's the softest Robbie has ever felt in his life) and boom. Fogged up glasses. A boner would be easier to hide.

The teasing is relentless. Kelly's shy smile every time he notices almost makes it worth it. Almost. Except then Joe makes yet another joke and Robbie rips them off. He'd rather be legally blind than deal with these nerds.

He gets a new pair not even a week later without telling anyone. This one is bought at an actual glasses store and with a layer that supposedly protects against condensation. At least, thats what the lady at the store said. They look pretty much the same as the evil glasses too so no one seems to notice when he gets back to the pack.

At least that's what he thinks.

The lady at the store wasn't lying. He gets through setting the table with Kelly and dinner with the rest of the pack without a hitch.

Carter somehow is the one who notices first the next day. He squints at Robbie and goes "something is different about you" Robbie acts like nothings up, going to the garden to read. There’s this really nice spot he loves where he has a nice view over the house, just under a tree.

When he gets there Kelly is already sitting there, nose in a book.

"Hey!" Kelly greets him with a smile and Robbie nearly melts at that bc the dimples are back and he tries to be smooth and says "Hey yourself! You're sitting in my spot!" and Kelly's smile kind of falters as they make eye contact

He immediately gets up and says "Oh sorry. I'll leave you be" and before Robbie can say anything he walks back to the house And Robbie kind of just stares after him wishing that for once in his life he could actually be smooth but noooo he just had to mess up his chances of sitting next to his crush reading under a tree

Robbie doesn't see him again until they're setting the table again like every evening. It's always kind of a mess who of the pack does or doesn't eat dinner together but they always set enough plates for anyone who wants to.

Kelly is even more touchy than normal. Whenever he moves past Robbie he makes sure to touch him. A hand on his shoulder, on his arm, on his side as they try to navigate the space around the table

And Robbie

well... Robbie is kind of losing it

he tries to hide how whenever Kelly touches him his heart kind of skips a beat. Tries to control his voice as they talk talk talk. He tries so hard not to stumble over his words

Listen,, this boy is confused af. Because while Kelly always talked with him before and smiled and put a somewhat confused effort into their friendship he never actually actively flirted with Robbie. There were signs but it was all such a mess Robbie never was sure if Kelly was interested in him like that

Now tho? Kelly is flirting with him. At the freaking dinner table. It’s still subtle, because it's still Kelly

but all throughout dinner Kelly only has eyes for him. Only talks to him. Only smiles at him.

They're sitting next to each other and Kelly never stops touching him. It's their arms together, their knees, Kelly stretching his feet to touch his. And god Robbie is so gone for this boy

But slowly Kelly gets quieter. There's a small crease forming between his eyebrows and then dinner is over and Kelly is out of the room before anyone else and Robbie is just kind of like ??? Cause Kelly is acting odd

He's not the only one who thinks so apparently, because during his weekly walk with Ox his alpha goes a little quiet before finally asking "are you and Kelly okay?"

Ox has known about Robbie's crush on Kelly since the start and has listened to him antagonise himself over every single tiny development since But Robbie doesn't know what's wrong so he just goes like "I think so. why?" and Ox just shrugs "no reason" and that's that

Except the next day Kelly completely ignores Robbie and yeah maybe they're not okay. Kelly won't even make eye contact with him. And Carter sets the table with him that night. When Robbie asks Carter about it he says Kelly didn't feel great.

Dinner is awkward. Like Robbie low key wants the ground to swallow him whole because apparently he really fucked up. He just doesn't know when or how. Kelly is the exact opposite of the day before. He doesn't look at him. Doesn't talk with him. Doesn't smile at him. And worst of all: doesn't touch him.

And Robbie wants to reach out so bad but he can;t get himself to do it. The others at the table keep sending them both worried glances, but no one comments Not until later when Robbie is helping Elizabeth clear the table and she carefully touches his arm and asks, "are you and Kelly okay?" and now Robbie doesn't know. Because are they?

So he just shrugs and he's just so full of this nervous kind of energy that makes him want to crawl up the walls. So he ends up going on a walk in the forrest. He can't figure out where he went wrong. Yesterday during dinner everything seemed to go so well. Did he not flirt back enough? Didn’t he show Kelly how into him he was? Was he being too awkward?

His walk ends up being a full hour of him antognizing until he's finally back at the house and sits down on the porch. The door opens behind him and Kelly sits down next to him quietly. Still not making eye contact with Robbie he asks "do you not like me anymore?" And Robbie's world kind of skids to a halt because?? WHAT?

Robbie blurts out, "Of course I do! You're incredible. You're smart and strong and beautiful." Kelly's eyes snap up and even in the low light on the porch Robbie can see the blush that's spreading on his face.

Robbie himself is not fairing much better because oh god he really just said that and now Kelly is staring at him and the crease is back and if Kelly doesn't like him back he doesn't know what he'll do. And Kelly lets out this soft oh

and then, "but then why aren't your glasses fogging up anymore? Carter said that- well-" and Robbie just blinks at him and ooooohhhhhhhh now it actually kind of makes sense

"I um got new ones because of that. I didn't want- it was getting so obvious- and the pack- and just- But I definitely like you" because fuck it by now he's said it anyway and it feels kind of good to tell Kelly and Kelly just stares at him (slowly... processing... whats happening) and then blurts out "I like you too" and Robbie's face has never felt this hot before

and its so awkward until it isn't anymore.

Robbie scoots closer and they're touching and everything is on fire and Kelly is looking at him wide eyed and then takes his hand. And Robbie whispers “can I kiss you” and Kelly slowly nods and-

"Please go get a room" Carter unceremoniously plops himself down between them and asks “so did you two finally confess to each other?”

And Robbie just groans and of course then Mark joins them like "stop teasing them Carter this mutual pining thing has been going on for long enough" and the rest of the pack joins too because of course why not its not like they were having a moment or anything.

The whole pack watching expectingly until Kelly rolls his eyes, gets up and basically drags Robbie off into the forrest. They're followed by "make sure you wrap it before you tap it" and kissing noises and a whole lot of hollering that's Really Not Needed

Once they're out of view of the house Kelly slips his hand in Robbie’s. Robbie just lets him take the lead.

There's a comfortable silence between them. Kelly's hand feels warm inside of his and every few steps one of them runs a thumb over the others hand and it sents shivers up Robbie's arm. Kelly is here, here, close, close his to touch and its so much.

When they reach the clearing Kelly gives him a look and Robbie get him and nods and clothes are being thrown in all directions before they turn

And it's nice. Everything is so much simpler

They play around and play tag and try to outrun each other. Robbie inhales Kelly's smell and everything is just so so so green

All Robbie feels is mine mine mine but its okay because its the same thats coming off of Kelly

They end up falling asleep tangled up in a heap, still in their wolf forms. Content and happy and at ease

The next morning Robbie wakes up because something gets thrown at his head. Carter is standing over them. They're still in their wolf form and Kelly is still asleep

"Breakfast in 30 minutes" Carter says with a grin and Robbie just snorts at him before changing back to his human form and making a grab for his clothes. Carter hands him his glasses before he turns around with a “see you at breakfast”.

Robbie carefully wakes Kelly up who blinks at him before letting out a yawn and changing back to his human form. Once they're both up and dressed again Kelly grabs his hand again before they make their way back to the house.

It's a mess. The whole pack is at the breakfast table and they're all looking at them and making comments like "so are you two a thing now?" and "I hope you wrapped it before you did anything" and a million other things that make Robbie feel so uncomfortable

But Kelly while quiet is leaning into his side as they eat. His head on Robbie's shoulder, playing with Robbie's hand and Robbie loves it. Loves the touch, loves the warmth, loves having Kelly so close.  Because yeah their pack is always touching, everyone is always there, but this is different

This is butterflies and warmth and a million other things Robbie wasn't sure he'd get. And he knows how that sounds how he's probably going too fast but he also knows that Kelly is perfect and he can see them being together for the rest of their lives. If Kelly wants him like that

After breakfast Gordo tells Robbie not to bother coming to work that day because he;s got a feeling Robbie is going to be even worse than usual and "like seriously kid i dont need you to burn the place down because you're in love"

Kelly went to his room after breakfast so Robbie is now going up the stairs. Kelly's door is wide open and he's sitting on the bed and it looks like he's been waiting. Robbie waits for Kelly to nod before he comes in and sits down next to Kelly on his bed and leans into him. Robbie presses a soft kiss against his shoulder and Kelly hums softly in return.

green green green green

"I'm so glad yesterday happened," Robbie starts. "This is so nice. I've wanted this for ages and you're just so perfect and beautiful and one of the smartest people I know and I can't wait to kiss you and do so, so much more and-" Kelly freezes and fuck did Robbie fuck up again maybe this wasn't a good idea he's such an idiot he should be going slower and what if he's ruined it and

"I don't think I want to have sex" Robbie almost misses and he lets out an oh and damn he really was going too fast and

"I didn't mean right now, just-" he tries to save himself, but Kelly shakes his head and-

"Ever. I don't think I want to have sex ever." And he looks so worried about Robbie's reaction all Robbie wants to do is kiss his frown away. Because oh, oh that's fine as long as Kelly lets him be close he'd take whatever he could give.

"Okay, so you're asexual?" and Kelly stares at him with wide eyes.

"There's a word for that?"

"Yeah."

"Oh." And Kelly mouths the word at himself with a shy smile (and the dimples, the dimples), before turning his attention back on Robbie.

"Are you okay with us never-"

"Yes! Of course. I like you and want to be with you and if you don't want to do sexual stuff there's enough other stuff we can do like this," Robbie pulls Kelly closer so he's in his arms, "and this" he says before kissing Kelly on his forehead, "And..." He leans in carefully and Kelly smiles softly and leans in too and

It's so much and a mess of bumping teeth and lips and giggles and its so good and Robbie will never get enough of this because holy crap Kelly's lips on his are where the world starts and ends

They spend the next week caught up in each other. Robbie helps Kelly research what it means to be asexual and Kelly is so overwhelmed and relieved and happy because yes that’s him and there's a word for that and he's not weird

He presents his wolf to Robbie before the next full moon and Robbie immediately gives him his. They've both never felt this happy before.

[geckcellent]

p5 is a spiritual/successor to specifically, p2

that proposed p2 hd remake?? yeah i’m excited at the prospect but also filled with DREAD bc we have it in all but actual remake, and the name of the beast is p5

disclaimer: i love p5 & am having a blast with it and am not dunking on p5 in any way! (except its lgbt treatment which is nothing.. new...., ..,.,)

SPOILERS for p5 and p2:is

so i know the internet’s been going wild about how much p5 is similar to p2 ever since all we knew about p5 were the keywords ‘joker’ and ‘catharsis’ and the color red and some dude on a chair,, but like the more i play p5 the more intrigued i get. this is some stuff i was thinkin about, feel free to add/discuss;

- cognition: the metaverse is basically a wilder extension of the ‘rumors becoming reality’ plot of p2.. and THAT plot was setting up xibalba, which was more or less the metaverse™ but more standard smt (enemy demons instead of shadows, everything happens in the real world..ish,..,). pretty much everything that happened in xibalba was the dungeon adapting to people’s cognitions on the fly, like a room that turned into a torture deathtrap for people suspecting traps was a heal/rest point for the uh, simpler folks,.,.. and bosses were straight up cognitive versions of people (like jun’s mom and eikichi’s dad, a pod of Actual Alien Dudes to name some). jun, that poor bitch almost legit wrote himself out of existence at one point thanks to a self hating panic attack

- fun fact he did not in fact succumb to that bc everyone reminded him how sad his gay boyfriend would be if he didn’t exist

- one of the funkier things about xibalba was that using that logic you could also dictate your dungeon crawling experience a little bc it let you offer input at times and going ‘yeah i think we’ve barely gotten started’ would mean Oh Boy Time To Grind but ‘yeah! i think we’re at least half way’ would set you up on a fast track to the finish. real interesting

- some cosmic asshole playing a cosmic asshole with way too much free time game: the underlying thing driving the entire plot of p5, yaldabaoth's 'game' is literally the same thing as nyarlathotep's scheme in p2:is (proving humanity is a bunch of dumbass stupidheads with 0 good points), but with a happier ending and also no sequel to call for/justify a huge FUCK YOU PLAYER, FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE FEELS, WITH A GOD DAMN CACTUS IN A POT FOR GOOD MEASURE

- adding on to that i'm not there yet but presumably you don't punch out real igor... probably ..,?? you can give philemon a solid wallop right before the epilogue it’s my fav part lmfao,, nyarlathotep also plays... Uh not quite fair but at least he doesn’t outright rig it iirc

- tatsuya had a cool kinda intimidating loner dude rep while akira's more Outright Scorned but in general they both function around a tight group that the world at large either doesn't understand or is at odds with.. they serve different plot purposes and are shown from different POVs but there are definitely similarities between the masked circle and the phantom thieves

- hot topic: "joker". admittedly it's been ages since i played p2 and the details are fuzzy but joker (jun) feels like what joker (akira) could've become had he ended up flying solo without teammates as checks or friends to keep him sane and without a caring parental/family figure.. the only person he trusts is himself in a shitty world full of disgusting people and betrayal; basically, joker (jun) IS joker (akira), had akira been without a support network.

- in short, joker!jun and akechi being similar motivationally is suddenly way more fridge given how p5 plays akechi as ‘not that different’ and i am now distinctly uncomfortable,.,,

- i would be laughing at pq2 being p5-centric and set in a 'movie theater' world (or so i've heard), but im not and thats only because i'm more salty that they took this totally sumaru theatre-feeling setup while conveniently pretending p2 and before never happened

- on that note p5's lgbt handling makes me SO SALTY because BRUH, P2 HAS THE BEST LGBT REP OF LIKE EVERY ATLUS GAME EVER and p5's is..,, well ., ,i thought it couldn't get worse after p3/p4 trans jokes but eeeeeeeh i have officially found my least fav beach pickup episode. yusuke’s lobsters are some sexy thots but nah that dont really make up for that fresh cuppa what the fuck

- the thought of a p2 hd remake fills me with equal parts excitement and dread because we already got a direct spiritual/successor in all but plot continuity and its givign me the worst fucking whiplash

- i lied i am shitting on p5 a little let me just get this out there Hi I Am About To Strangle One Ryuji Sakamoto Personally,

- give us a canon gay like jun & and a best comedy bro and total ally eikichi and also canon gay ship like tatsu/jun and when will atlus let me fuckign rest honestly

- ok i am going to rest right now actually it’s 2 fuckign AM ramble over

[thebrokenscript]

alright we got ourselves something new today trying my hand at some criminal minds bc i’ve been bingeing it and dear god save me here we go some fun little hotch and emily fun (^;

The plane jolted slightly through turbulence, making Hotch’s eyes flicker back open. Damn, he must have nodded off. Blinking the itchiness out of his eyes, he pushed himself back up and looked to the case file spread out on the desk.

“Nice of you to rejoin me,” Emily quipped from beside him.

He glanced over to find her smirking at him. A sigh left him. “Why are you still awake? It’s three in the morning.” One look around the plane told him that everyone else was asleep. As they should be with how long this case had dragged out for.

Huffing in exasperation, Emily leaned forward to rest her elbows on the table and squinted over at the clock. “You got a solid minute of sleep. I think that’ll be enough for the both of us, don’t you?” Shooting her a look, she flashed him a grin. “Not tired. Besides, someone’s gotta organize the files. I don’t want to do it when we get back.”

“You know I could order you to sleep,” he said, pulling a few of the papers toward him.

She shrugged. “Yeah I guess you could. I might not listen though.”

A faint smile tugged at his mouth but didn’t quite make it to his face. “Fine I’ll help you finish it and then you will go to sleep,” he said.

“Was that an order?”

“You’re a profiler. Figure it out.”

A laugh escaped her. “Oh good, funny Hotch. I am in for one hell of a night.”

Affection flickered through him at her tease. “I can be funny.”

“Oh yes,” she drawled, rifling through the papers. She pushed half of them over to him. “You’re terribly funny, sir.”

A quiet sound of amusement left him. Taking the papers, he began going through them. A comfortable silence settled between them as they worked, passing papers back and forth along with playful gibes. Sooner than expected, they were working through the last few details.

“Alright where are the papers-” Emily broke off, stifling a yawn.

Hotch looked up from where he was well into signing off a document. A warm feeling settled in his chest at the sight of Emily fighting off sleep. “You can go to sleep. There’s not much left,” he said gently.

Emily waved a hand at him. “I’m fine, I’m fine, it’s noth-” Another stifled yawn interrupted her.

Hotch gave her a more pointed look. “Go to sleep. I’ll finish it,” he said, reaching over to take the papers out of her hand.

She met his gaze, eyes clouded with exhaustion, but she didn’t let go of the papers. “Hotch it’s fine, I can help finish. There’s only a few more things to do.”

“I can do it. Go to sleep.” He knew she’d gotten less sleep over the case than he had and even he was having trouble fending off exhaustion. She had to be half unconscious right now. His gaze hardened slightly. “I can make it an order.”

Emily rolled her eyes. “Yes, sir,” she muttered, letting go of the papers and dropping her pen on the table. He watched as she crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back in the chair. It wasn’t long before her breathing changed and she was asleep. Shaking his head slightly, Hotch turned back to the papers. She was just as stubborn as he was.

As predicted, finishing the paperwork took no time at all. Signing the last document, he pushed all the documents back into the folder. It was getting to four am. Glancing around, he found everyone still asleep. Good.

Exhaustion burned at his eyes. He should probably try to sleep too. Not that he wanted to. Rubbing his temple, he sighed silently and leaned back in his chair. He must have been more tired than he thought, as he started to doze off almost immediately.

Drifting comfortably in the limbo between the waking and sleeping worlds, he relaxed until he suddenly felt something warm and heavy pressing against him. Startling awake, he looked over to find Emily’s head resting against his shoulder. She was still asleep.

He let out a shaky breath, trying to still his racing heartbeat. The plane must have turned and shifted her over to him. Unwanted feelings began to bubble up at the unconscious gesture. Feelings he had buried away ever since Haley had left, feelings he didn’t want to think about, especially not if they were directed at a coworker. 

Especially with that coworker being Emily Prentiss.

He watched her, weighing his options. He could wake her up. He knew they’d both dismiss it. She’d laugh it off, probably tease him about it, but she likely wouldn’t bring it up with the rest of the team. Unfortunately he knew that it would only add to the tension already lingering between them. The tension that he was ignoring to the best of his abilities.

If he tried to move her off of him, he’d only end up waking her. God knew she was as light a sleeper as he was. It was a wonder she wasn’t already awake. That left waiting it out. See if she’d move by herself. The problem there, however, lay in the fact that she might not move and that someone from the team might see them together in a.... not quite compromising situation, but compromising enough for him.

He had no good options.

As he considered it, he finally decided biting the bullet and simply waking her would be infinitely better than Morgan cooing at him or the knowing look Rossi and JJ would give him. Besides, Reid couldn’t keep his mouth shut. The whole damn department would know just because Reid made an offhand comment.

Head falling back against the chair, he stared up at the ceiling, trying to psych himself up for it. She was warm. It was comforting, but he couldn’t have it. She was a coworker and a friend. That was all.

Finally, he looked back to her. She was beautiful. There was no denying it. And the way she looked, leaning against him, made his heart ache for simpler times. Back when Haley would lie against him like that.

But Haley was gone now.

Clearly he was projecting his feelings of loneliness onto Prentiss and was trying to fill some void that had been left in his heart.

Shoving the ache and the affection in a box, he locked it up, then shifted his shoulder. “Prentiss,” he murmured. “Prentiss wake up.” He felt her shift slightly and then she sat bolt upright, eyes wide with confusion.

“Sorry I- what?”

He shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. You fell over as the plane turned.”

She blinked at him, staring at him as if she’d never seen him before in her life. “Right, yeah. Absolutely,” she said, brushing a hand over her hair. “Sorry, sir.”

“Nothing to be sorry for,” he said, already standing and picking up the finished file. “I finished the file, so don’t worry about that either. Good night, Prentiss. Sorry for waking you.”

She shook her head quickly, obviously still trying to recover some of her wit. “Of course, sir. It’s alright. Good night.”

He nodded slightly, then turned and made his way down the aisle, gripping the file tightly. He was in control of his feelings. Prentiss was his friend. That was all. These feelings he had, they were as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. He just had to keep telling himself that until he believed it.

[pensiveponder]

I’m thinking more about mania andFuck I just noticed some REALSHIT?I was thinking of mania as Good feelings and Deprrssion as bad ones butit’s not it’s more like - intensity. Mania can manifest as obsessive anything reallyand I’m noticing like. I’ve often felt sort of confused and disoriented by like

amikaYesterday at 11:35 PM

its really tough to realize when youre in it too

critterdustYesterday at 11:35 PM

why I might suddenly enjoy things one dayAnd not lateror how likeI basically can’t remember anything since before some day where I suddenly switchedI think maybe I should consider not taking adderall on manic daysbut I’ll have to think on thatbut uhBecause I didn’t recognize my feelings as manicI was absurdly reckless with my emotions + this crushAnd also I’ve been constantly confused about my fluctuations and mostly just, genuinely I would say “disoriented” is the best way to describe  it(edited)Of frequently feeling like the person who made the last decisions was not me somehowAnd a state of confusion of how I got myself into this World stateBut like. While I’m depressed I spend a lot of time angry at myself for not being “lightning boned”So much so that maybe when I’m manic I try to force certain emotions way too hard tooBut instead I could just. Calmly and legitimate await the change and actually accept that I have mood cycles(And try to do my best anyway on depressive - it’s a good time for going for walks and doing calmer stuff actually. It’s not impossible to do Work in this mode if it’s simpler stuff too)Instead of seeing mania as “when the emotions good” I mostly just need to see it as like“when are the behaviors erratic - when are the emotions intense (even if negative feeing)”it’s not like phases are ALL ONE for me generally either but mostly you’ll see 1-2 week periods that are primarily defined by oneThere also are a lot of things that I just saw as aspects of my personality that are actually only shown in mania (an obvious example is the version of me that generally likes to act “publically eccentric” and also the version of me that is endlessly fascinated by things (June gasps at the sea, and then the pier, and then this tree, and then the clouds, and then the sun - oh! Isn’t it all beautiful?)But if I can recognize that these things exist on a track of sorts I can probably do a lot less self guilty shit and also be able to like. Know actively what set of decisions I should be using lately (such as directing mania to healthier activities, remembering the properly rest and appreciate calmer activities in depressy)Oh my god mania + insecurity is absolutely why I used to get myself into parasocial relationships for little phases

amikaYesterday at 11:51 PM

(sorry im here, just helping a friend with a design project live too)

critterdustYesterday at 11:51 PM

Oh yeah it’s np!! I just realized like. Ok I need to write these down(Me thinking) I think one thing that fucked me up a bit is like, as a kid anytime I would express manic energy my parents would either guide me at better uses of it or it’d just be written off as Me Beint Weird Sometimes And not a thing that had cycles. Basically I was treated as if I was choosing to exhibit a set of traitsBut Imagining that I just chose to be in this state really makes it difficult to properly interact with itAnd also that me having a strong desire to change to one state usually means a change is about to happenGenerally this involves a specific subjectHoly fuck - every single one of my fiction Entities is just a different maniaI genuinely feel like. A large amount of my best qualities are basically mania driven. But a lot of my worst ones too. and that’s something for me to take careful consideration of

October 21, 2019

critterdustToday at 12:08 AM

I’ve basically viewed most mania-driven traits with either sheer admiration or total shame depending on my perspective on them but there is a healthier way to see myself than thatand additionally I can’t be thinking of the manic self as my “true self” and the other selves as like, lesser forms

critterdustToday at 12:23 AM

When I’m feeling a desperate need of “confirmation” of some thing from another person socially is when I often act the weirdestI mean one way to relieve that is to receive confirmation of whatever the anxiety isbut anothe ris to mentallynlikenTo Notice that what I’m feeling isn’t really “real”. Like it obviously feels real and anxious / insecure but it’s not actually probably a legitimate one - which means I probably don’t need to address it in some (probably overly grand attempted) way either(it’s legit ok to not be reading these at this point btw I just, need to write this here now and then copy paste it for reasons I can’t explainadditionally even tho recognizing these patterns is useful and important I’m also not going to treat these as some total determinate of me - these are more like guidelines of how to examine my expected mental bias not like “oh I’m feeling depressed guess I better not even attempt to do anything” or etcWhile manic issues are definitely.. ok something to note for my internal state recognizing. I’m actually most now thinking of how it changes my behavior to othersas a more, like, concern(minor note my parents used to note how they thought I’d gotten extremely too high energy lately and this must be bc I always get kicked into a manic cycle whenever I go on a trip for some reason

critterdustToday at 12:40 AM

Ugh another thing I do while manic I need to stop doing is, I start to ignore social signals from people when I don’t like the signalwhich additionally creates this weird behavior where I try to maximize the output of positive signals with no thought at all to the creation of negativeswhich is - just, totally irrational! Since I still notice them and feel weird about them!I just behaviorally ignore their existence as if they had 10% the strength they do or somethingI want to say “June attempts to create positive signals to assuage an insecurity” is maybe the absolute most shameful action that I sometimes actThere’s a healthier way to engage with positivity and insecurity with friendships than that (and like, I usually understand this)