#the reason why I left is because I felt like a burden to everyone

[thenameswinter99]

I love and adore you. I wish I had more to say right now because you deserve a thousand poems, but I simply thought it was outrageous that you didn't have this badge, so here it is.

SDLKFNSDKLJFSDJKFNSDKFNDSKJFNSDKJNSDF I JUST CAME BACK HERE FOR FIVE MINUTES AND I FOUND THIS?

EZ??? WIFEY???? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I can't describe the love and the devotion I have for you. You're my absolute queen, a blessing, a muse and ray of sunshine. I love you with my whole heart and I'm so happy to have met you here.

Us flirting with each other.

[liahaslosthermind]

~ 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒐𝒇 𝑳𝒐𝒔𝒔 ~

(Past) Rhysand x OC, (Eventual) Azriel x OC Part 2 of Betrayal

Summary: He was out of his mind with grief. Azriel had been through his fair share of trauma. He had seen and done horrific things, but that was always with Adelaide by his side. Now, he didn't know what to do, and he was losing it. Warnings: Suicidal thoughts and ideology, Death of a loved one, grief, Hurt/No Comfort

His limbs ached as he stood up from his chair. He had been sitting there so long that walking felt much harder than it usually did.

He rubbed the haze from his eyes while walking to the door, the incessant knocking making his headache worse.

"Fuck, Az. You look- how do you- do you want me to..." Cassian stood in front of his brother, someone he'd known for 500 years, and didn't recognize the male he saw.

It had been the first time in almost 2 months that Cassian's knocks were answered. He had come to her room, everyday, multiple times a day, to plead with his brother to talk to him, to eat something, to just let Cassian look at him so he could see he was alive.

Azriel said nothing as he turned around and went back to the chair he had been occupying. Cassian closed the door behind him as he took in the room.

It was the same as it had been the day she left. Even though this had been the place Azriel spent most of his days, the Shadowsinger had kept it all the same, only touching her bed that he would sleep in the nights he could stomach it, or the chair he was currently in now.

A mess of papers on the desk brought tears to Cassian's eyes. Adelaide, sweet and caring Adelaide, had been making a list of Solstice gifts for her family when she was called to join some of the Inner Circle on a meeting all those months ago. A meeting that had been a trap for them. A meeting that ended up taking her life.

Azriel cleared his throat when Cassian went to pick up a piece of paper. He had tried to hard to keep her room clean while also not disturbing things from the spot she had put them in.

"Nesta told me that her and Elaine have been leaving you food but it remains untouched."

"Is there a question, brother?" Azriel asked. His voice had always been rough, and he had always been more on the quiet side, but Cassian could tell that because of lack of use, it hurt him to speak.

"Why aren't you eating? How can we get you to? I would do anything, Az." he pleaded.

The spymaster didn't answer.

"Whats the end goal? Believe me, if you want 1,000 years to mourn her, I will be with you every step of the way. I've tried to give you space, but you are killing yourself! You sit in here all day, only coming out when everyone is asleep or gone. What do you need to care about your life again?"

He was met with a distracted look from Azriel.

His brother was never distracted. He was never careless. He hadn't missed a day of training for no reason in hundreds of years. Cassian knew he still trained every once in a while, but Azriel always found times to do it when no one else was around.

Azriel didn't have an answer for Cassian, at least not one he would like.

How could I care for my life when her's is over? he thought. By the desperate look on Cassian's face, he could tell his brother knew the answer.

"I lost her too. I know it was different with the two of you, you were each others'... person, but she was as much my sister as you are my brother. I didn't... I didn't even get to say goodbye." Cassian finally broke at the confession. He hadn't let himself think about it, he had to keep himself together for Azriel. "The last time I talked to her, we where fighting over food. She stole the slice of cake I had saved for myself, I called her an inconvenience and a burden, she called me a spoiled bat who needs to learn to share." He let out a bittersweet laugh at the memory. They were usually at each others' throats, and when they weren't, they were teamed up to annoy someone else in their family. But they loved each other, always were there for one another, except in the end, when it mattered most.

"24 hours later, I was picking out the sarcophagus my sister was going to be laid in. I would have let her have all of my leftovers, all of my dessert, if it meant I just got one last conversation with her." Choking up, Cassian sank to the floor, a wave of familiar grief washing over him.

Azriel joined him, crying as he hugged his brother.

The two illyrians, sat like that for a while. Long after their tears had dried, long after the sun had gone down, Cassian finally spoke up.

"Why don't you go see her? Visiting helps me, talking to her even though I know she can't hear is something I do often."

In truth, Azriel hadn't gone to his best friend's mausoleum since the funeral. He couldn't see her like that, couldn't come to terms with it.

These past 6 months had been dark. Everyone was mourning her, many of the people of Velaris included, but none more than Azriel. Part of him had died, laid in the cold marble box that held her body. For the first few months, he had completely disconnected from reality. He went on with his daily routine, he trained, ate, went on missions, did paperwork, slept. But it was as it he was on autopilot, as if the real Azriel had been asleep that whole time.

Two months ago, he woke up. It was sudden, he had gone to his room for the first time in a while to grab some books that had been long overdo at the library, and the priestesses had kindly told him if they didn't get them back he would be banned for life.

Thats when he saw the blanket on the chair by his desk. She had given it to him over a century ago. It was a birthday present, a wool blanket that was enchanted to smell like her always. She had played it off as a self centered gift, so he doesn't forget about his favorite person while away on missions, in front of their friends, but Azriel knew that wasn't her true intention. Adelaide had always been a master gift giver, and she also knew Azriel had trouble sleeping most nights, but he never had any problems falling asleep on the couch next to her after a long night of conversations, wrapped comfortably in her own wool blanket.

He hadn't slept without it till the night she died.

Then, he picked it up, trying to see if the enchantment still worked. And that was all it took for him to wake up. It was awful, every bad feeling he had been too far disassociated to feel hit him at once. He curled up on the floor with the blanket wrapped around his hands and stayed there for days, silent tears never ceasing to fall.

After getting yelled at by Madja, who Nesta had called to knock some sense into him, he got up and went to her room, where he remained most of his days since.

He sat in the chair in the corner of the room, only eating to quiet his stomach, and tried as hard as he could to detach himself from the never ending agony that was his life now.

He told Cas he would see her, the general's face lighting up at the news.

He felt guilty, making Cassian so happy for something he knew would later destroy him.

Hours after Cassian had left the room, as the sun came up, Azriel went to his room to grab the blanket he hadn't touched in 2 months. Then he grabbed Truth Teller, wrote his final request, and went to see Adelaide.

The building was large, and beautifully constructed. He would have been happy that she had a resting place as elysian and inviting as she, but he knew Rhysand only spent that much money and made it this beautiful to try and lighten the guilt he felt.

The Shadowsinger stopped by the entrance, the sarcophagus without a lid placed up on the platform.

Before the funeral, Helion had come to place a enchantment on her body that would keep it perfectly preserved.

It had been more of a final gift to Addie than a show of good will between the courts. Adelaide had been a foundling on the border of Day and Night. Helion took her in as his ward and she grew up with access to the best education and scholarly texts Prythian could offer. Rhysand later made her head of the Night Court's scholarly texts, education, and research. She spent more of her life in Night than Day, but she never went so long without seeing the man who gave her all she had.

She used to tell Azriel she would take him on vacation to Day to meet Helion. He of course had met the man before but they had been the Spymaster of Night and High Lord of Day, Addie wanted them to meet as 'two of the people she loved more than anyone'.

They never did get that vacation.

And as Azriel finally looked down at her, Helion's gift to her felt like a cruel punishment to him.

6 months later, she was still as ethereal as she was the last time he saw her, but she was still just as dead.

This was where he would remain, his final request was to be laid to rest in the same building. He would be adding unnecessary pain onto his loved ones who had suffered so much already, but for the first time in his life, Azriel had decided to put himself in front of his family.

Looking her over one last time, he realized he was now completely numb.

Azriel held the gifted blanket and went to take off the one she currently had. Based off the fact it seemed to have been picked out with meticulous care to match Adelaide's coloring, and her outfit, there was no doubt it had been placed there by Mor.

On her lap, previously being covered by the blanket, laid a large and very old book.

Had one of the scholars she worked with placed it? One of the educators?

Strange marks littered the cover, but no title. Not till he opened the first page did he see what it was.

The Walking Dead

A cruel pick. Who would ever leave such a book with a corpse?

The second page was blank, so was the third, so was the fourth. Thumbing through the book, Azriel just about gave up looking at the blank pages when he finally found one with writing.

It seemed to be a poem, but it was formatted too strangely.

The title at the top read Eternally Intertwined.

A spell.

He almost dropped the book at the realization.

No one had left this book, it had been fate that had given it to him, kept it here waiting for him to stumble upon it.

He knew what he needed to do.

[kitchenisking]

May Fic Rec

Nicotine by honorarystar - (Rating: Explicit, Words: 3,404, sterek)

Stiles wants to take a nap at Derek's place. Derek thinks he smells too amazing for his own good. Or Derek's for that matter.

UST (An Unfortunate Series of Tropes) by ureshiiichigo - (Rating: Explicit, Words: 54,259, sterek)

Stiles and Derek sitting in a tree, M-A-R-R-I-E-D. 

Wait, what? 

Or: Stiles thought he and Derek were finally getting to be bros, and then Deaton had to go and ruin everything with his stupid spell.

For the hour of great humiliation by Naicele - (Rating: Explicit, Words: 8,278, sterek)

There are witches, but maybe they are mostly a plot device to get Stiles and Derek to spend time in very close proximity. -- “Stop that,” Derek growls. “Stop what?” he whines, because, this situation is worthy of some complaining on his part “Stop smelling like that,” Derek hisses, breath hot on Stiles’s ear. “How do I stop smelling? Dude that’s insane,” he whispers back. “What do I even smell like,” he adds and then immediately regrets it. Surely Derek can’t smell that on him, can he?

Point me where my life begins by Gotta_seduce_the_Rainbow - (Rating: Explicit, Words: 39,430, sterek)

When Derek wakes up without his memory, he is left with nothing but a note he wrote himself. He no longer remembers anything personal, not himself, not anyone else.

The note is pointing him towards the town Beacon Hills and once he is there, he is greeted by strangers telling him “Dude, I didn’t know you’re back in town”, which is confusing. Apparently, he grew up in Beacon Hills, but left a few years ago without telling anyone about it.

There is this one stranger, who calls him dude and has the most amazing scent. Derek might just want to start his new life here. With this person.

let’s make a reckless memory by EvanesDust - (Rating: Explicit, Words: 4,283, sterek)

[excerpt] "Stiles…" Derek groaned, his head dropping between Stiles's shoulder blades as he thrust his cock against Stiles's hole. "God, please tell me you know that I love you."

Stiles clenched in response, desperately wanting to be filled, and nodded. They'd only been dating for a week when Derek first told him. It was New Year's, and they'd just kissed at midnight. "Y-Yeah, I know. I know you love me. I love you, too."

And he did. So fucking much.

"Good. Because I'm going to fuck you like I don't."

…or the one where Stiles surprises Derek by coming home for spring break, and they fuck in the sheriff’s station.

Can't Start a Fire Without a Spark by Nerdy_fangirl_57 - (Rating: T, Words: 8,945, sterek)

After the whole ordeal with the nogitsune Stiles struggles with proving to himself that he can be good again. He starts learning to control his spark in hopes that he could be helpful to the pack once he manages to channel it's power. Everyone thinks it's a great idea and are willing to help him anyway they can, but Scott, Scott doesn't see the point in it.

It's not like Stiles' tiny spark could ever be powerful enough to be an actual asset to the pack.

Stiles just wants a chance to prove himself.

Million Reasons by FireAndIceHeart - (Rating: T, Words: 20,474, sterek)

After a nasty fight between Derek Hale's Pack and three witch sisters, Derek kicks Stiles out of the pack. His friends abandoned him and his father is always at work and Stiles has never felt so alone. Well at least now he has the time to think of all the reasons why he deserves to be in the pack and figure out where it all went wrong. That is...until he gets kidnapped.

I'm Only Human by DarkAlpha67 - (Rating: T, Words: 3,477, sterek)

Stiles has always placed other’s needs above his own… And no one ever took the time to notice the strain that burden had on him.

Until him…

*

In which Stiles neglects to take care of himself and ends up in the hospital where he will learn a werewolf pack is just another word for Family.

Hale's Theory of Exclusivity by kitsunequeen - (Rating: T, Words: 4,098, sterek)

For the request: "Stiles visits a wolf rescue/sanctuary type thing (like the one TW donated to!!) and gets really friendly with the pack alpha and then he comes back and Derek is all angsty because /another alpha's scent is all over Stiles/." --- “You’re the one,” he huffs, “you’re the one who was always trying to assure me that my past relationships were unhealthy. That I deserved something better. And this? This is your idea of healthy?”

“Are you seriously throwing that in my face?” Stiles demands, tears suddenly pricking at his eyes. He wipes them away roughly, jamming his hand in his pocket. “That’s- that’s pretty shitty, dude.”

“Are you kidding me?” Derek seethes. How is this happening? How on Earth is this spiraling so badly? “I’m throwing it in your face? You go around pretending we’re exclusive, and I’m the one acting shitty?”

“You know what?” Stiles snaps, tears streaming freely now. The room is swirling with the scents of hurt and confusion and anger and betrayal and- “Fuck you, Derek.”

Happy Son Happy Spouse Happy House by alikatastic - (Rating: Not Rated, Words: 3,085, sterek)

Eli was so much like him, a stark reminder of who he was at sixteen. It was a grand statement of nature vs. nurture. Eli Hale might not have shared any DNA with him, but there was never a doubt that he was Stiles’ son, his pup. Stiles would do anything for his kid; missing sleep after a long case and threatening the Coach were small tasks for him. As long as Eli was happy, Stiles was happy, and if Stiles and Eli were happy, so was Derek.

[luvlystarr]

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°

Prompt: Minho x Reader, he doesnt want you to be a Runner

Content: Fluff

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You and Minho never got along quite easily. Ever since you arrived at the Glade he paid little attention to you. You two always get into disagreements and arguments because of his sarcastic comments getting on your nerves all the time.

You tried your best to be polite knowing he is the Keeper of the Runners and that he’s the only way you could become a Runner. Yet no matter how much you prove your worth Minho always refuses you.

You’ve told him your reasons as to why you wanted to become one. All you wanted was to help everyone find a way out of this place in hopes to find a better life. But even after your heartfelt speech he replied with a harsh no.

So now you were stuck as a gardener, which wasn’t bad at all. Although it did get boring having to constantly dig up and plant things all the time.

The sun was glaring down at everybody outside, causing the air to be humid and warm. Luckily you were under a shelter, unbothered by the hot weather. Since there wasn’t much gardening to do left you decided to help Fry with cooking. You were chopping up some vegetables while he was stirring something in a pot. The two of you were cooking stew for everybody’s lunch.

You look outside to where the maze is, watching as Minho and Ben running back. You quickly look away before anybody catches you staring at Minho. But of course Fry noticed.

“(Y/N), stop staring or you’ll chop a finger off,” he teased.

You roll your eyes in response and continue the task at hand. Everyone in the Glade noticed your tough relationship with Minho, they would always tease you two about acting like an old married couple.

You didn’t want to admit it but you did look up to Minho. He was strong, smart and always looked after the other Gladers. You just couldn’t understand why he’s always so harsh to you.

You avert your thoughts back onto the chopping board in front of you and focus on cutting the vegetables properly. From a distance you could hear somebody’s footsteps approaching, you didn’t need to turn to see who it was.

“Hey, Minho,” Fry greeted him.

“Hey,” Minho huffed before pouring himself a cup of water.

His eyes landed on you, you could feel him staring intently. You felt pressured under his stare, distracting you from what you’re doing. It must’ve slipped your mind that you were literally holding a sharp object and it only occurred when you felt a sting on your finger.

You let out a hiss of pain as you immediately dropped the knife. A small but deep cut was on your finger with a small portion of blood seeping out.

Before Fry could ask if you’re okay Minho stepped in.

“(Y/N), you alright?” Minho asks while quickly rushing towards you.

You nodded your head but your face was grimacing at the sight. “Yeah..” You muttered.

“C’mon, I’ll take you to the Med-hut.” He gently laid a hand on your shoulder before leading you out of the kitchen.

“Minho, I can handle myself perfectly fine—“

“Just go with me,” he sighs.

“I’m pretty sure Fry has a band-aid.” You try your best to protest since you know Minho just came back from the maze and you didn’t want to burden him. But he kept moving you forward.

You look back to Fry with a look of help in your face. Instead you were greeted with him grinning at the two of you.

Not long after both you reach the Med-hut. Minho quickly asked for a band-aid from Jeff and began patching you up.

“I can do it myself,” you say while trying to push his hands away.

Minho’s grip stayed firm but still gentle around your wrist. It didn’t take long for him to finish.

Now you were getting mixed signals. At first, you were a hundred percent sure that Minho hated your guts, but now he’s here tenderly caressing your hand.

“Why are you acting like you care all of a sudden?” You blurted out without thinking.

Minho was taken aback by your words. “What are you talking about?”

You quickly turn your head the other way, hiding the way your face flushed from embarrassment.

“You always ignore me and argue with me. Just like when I asked to become a Runner. Why are you suddenly looking after me now?” You ask.

Minho sighed deeply, still keeping your wrist in his hand.

“You don’t understand,” he spoke under his breath.

“There’s a reason why I don’t want you to be a Runner,” he says with a stern expression.

You pry your hand away from Minho’s grip and glare back at him. “Is it because you think I’m not capable?” You spoke with bitterness in your voice.

Minho crossed his arms, avoiding your gaze. “No, I know you are.”

“Then why won’t you let me? You and the others need all the help you can get and you won’t even accept my help—”

“I refused because it was the only way to protect you.”

You stare at Minho, speechless and dumbfounded.

“What?”

He finally looks back at you. His eyes were filled with worry. A genuine look you’ve never seen on him before.

“It’s dangerous in the maze. What if you get chased by a Griever and get stung, huh?” His voice rose a little, leaving you stunned.

Minho quickly noticed how you reacted to his response. He took a moment to recollect his composure.

“If I lose you I won’t be able to forgive myself,” he spoke in a softer voice.

He slowly wraps his arms around your body. His strong arms held you close to his body as delicate as possible, almost like you were fragile.

“I really care for you, (Y/N), I really do,” he muttered. “I did what I know is right.”

You felt your heart flutter at his words. Hesitantly, you wrap your arms around him as well.

Although you still want to be a Runner, you understand Minho’s side of the argument.

“I understand now,” you replied.

The two of you bask in each other’s comforting presence. After a moment you could’ve sworn you felt Minho press his lips against your temple. His small gesture caused your heart to skip a beat.

As it turns out, there’s more to Minho than his harsh, sarcastic demeanour.

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[lacevalentines]

(madoka magica / rebellion spoilers below. TW: suicide and controlling behavior)

I don't know the direction in which walpurgisnacht rising will take homura's character but I can say with confidence that from at least where rebellion left off that I truly believe that homura made the decision that she felt was the most correct one even if it meant she had to become a monster in the eyes of every person that loved her. she felt that if things were left in the way the law of the cycle was currently running things that it was inevitable that kyubey would eventually capture madoka in her goddess form, study her, and use her to as a source for mass amounts of energy at the suffering of herself, the others within the law of the cycle, and magical girls at large again. this is something he explains very clearly when talking to homura before her transformation into homulilly.

I get so exhausted when I see people try characterize homura as an actually evil person with completely selfish desires and no regard for others. all of her actions, while not explicitly explained outright, when looked at closely always indicate that she does things out of her care for the other girls but feels like she bears the burden of having to do it alone because she believes she's the only one who doesn't let her emotions get in the way of protecting madoka and the others from kyubey and sometimes each other.

I will always use the scenes of her interactions with mami and sayaka in rebellion as huge examples of this. she has no reason not to kill them if she's a completely selfish and unemphatic person that only cares about madoka and no one else when given many opportunities to do so. I also don't personally think she keeps them around JUST because of madoka's happiness either. she very easily could have suppressed their roles in madoka's life with the world rewrite and clearly choose not to. I believe her mocking sayaka and acting in a clearly "evil" manner is deliberate acting on her part to frame herself as a villain. she might believe this would her actions more palatable and will create distance between herself and everyone else to protect them as well as allow her to assert more control in this situation. it is further emphasized how she truly feels with imagery displayed in homura's new world around herself (shoes abandoned on the side of a building to potentially indicate suicidal ideation, a half moon alluding to homura feeling unfulfilled and unhappy with this decision, her dancing around happily before stopping and slowly falling off the cliff side with a similar implication as the shoes).

homura's relationship with the others is incredibly complicated but she cares for them deeply too as they are also people she considers friends, she just had a particularly strong attachment to madoka. we don't get to see as many instances of her interacting with them as we do them interacting with each other as we are unfortunately only really privy to homura's life after she began looping for the most part but we can see it in the way she has expresses concern and distress for them in moments where she believes they are in real, tangible danger of being hurt (she's winces and tries to turn away when aiming for mami's leg and screams out when she believes mami is about to be truly harmed after their gun fight, which neither ever had the real intention of hitting one another with any of those bullets in the first place). her entire witch's labyrinth is one where everyone is happy and gets the lives they desire. why would her labyrinth, which is meant to reflect in-part her inner feelings and desires, appear that way if she didn't truly want that for everyone?

rebellion is so compelling to me for all of this and so much more!! (I could write a whole other post on the way it presents it's freedom with danger vs control with safety question at the end of the film) she is a girl who has repeatedly suffered incredibly traumatizing events and longs for a world where the person she loves and the friends she considers dear are safe. homura is not really the devil, but she wants to appear to be because being the devil would be easier than being a human being in these circumstances.

[glitch-but-ya]

To love the heartless, and for the heartless to love.

Pairing: Scaramouche x Reader

TW: Angst(?) + Fluff(?), mentions of death, Scaramouche backstory mentioned, bickering, slight cursing

Summary: What can one do when wounds run too deep for bandaids to cure? That is the shared fate of two souls, burdened by scars etched into their being—scars that mirror each other in color. Yet, despite all odds, the unlikely bond between you becomes the very salve needed for the healing to commence. Word count: 1,780 words

“And if the world condemns us for our sins, let us intertwine our fingers and raise our head in defense, for we would not have sinned if the world hadn’t torn us apart.”

When you met Scaramouche, he was resting beneath the shade of a giant ebony tree, perched on a sturdy branch from which he could observe the farthest lands. His body lay carelessly on the branch, an oversized hat shielding his eyes from the peeking rays of the sun, and his chest remained unmoving. A few leaves escaped from their places and swiftly twirled to the ground. You watched as they swayed before ending their journey on his porcelain face. His face, which glimmered with a serenity unbefitting his reputation, barely moved as the leaves slid past his cheeks. You wondered for a moment—was he alive? If so, why did he lie so still, as if he were nothing but a pretty doll perched on the branch of a great ebony tree?

To your relief, the figure stirred. Scaramouche raised his hand and swatted mindlessly at a bird that flapped around him. He opened his eyes, and a frustrated groan left his lips soon after. Eventually, his gaze landed on you. “You’ve been there for a while, haven’t you? Well, what were you staring at?” he mumbled sleepily, his eyebrows furrowed with irritation, almost as if you were the one who had disturbed his sleep.

You rolled your eyes. “Thinking about how embarrassing it would be to fall asleep under a tree. At noon. In a place where everyone can see me.” “I wasn’t sleeping,” he said, jumping off the branch and dusting off his shorts. “I don’t sleep.” You crossed your arms. “Sure. Then, Mr. Wide Awake, what exactly were you doing?” He turned to you with a blank expression. “Hiding.” “Hiding? From what? A squirrel?”

Scaramouche sighed. “You’re exhausting. Do you always let your curiosity run wild?” “Excuse me?”

He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Never mind. I’m leaving. Don’t even think about following me.” You huffed. “Please. Why would I waste my time chasing after a lost cause?”

“Good. You're smarter than I expected." “Ugh. You’re helpless.” You turned around and began walking in the opposite direction. You prayed this would be the last time you’d ever have to interact with him again. Unfortunately for you, the gods did not favor your request.

You ran into him a total of seven times afterward. He was everywhere you went. A few times, you found him resting on branches of various trees. Once, you ran into him being swamped by a flock of wild kittens. Other times, you spotted him across the street in the grand bazaar as you shopped for your daily groceries. If it weren’t purely coincidental, you might have thought you’d gained yourself a new stalker.

Eventually, you learned that, besides being a lazy asshole, he was also a student at the Akademiya, much like you. You found out the day you saw him studying in the House of Daena late at night, long after all the classes had ended. Looking back now, you’re quite glad he showed up there, at that moment, for that reason. Because after that oddly intimate conversation under the dim light of the desk lamp, something sprouted between the two of you. A growing bond, perhaps. An unexpected affection.

But you couldn’t deny that, even after all those encounters, Scaramouche remained a figure shrouded in darkness. No matter how many times you ran into each other afterward, and no matter how many times the two of you deliberately met and conversed, you felt as if you were still farther away from his past than you’d ever been.

That changed when you came across him one day on an isolated hilltop, gazing at the stars in the vast sky.

Scaramouche had deep scars—scars that left scrapes across his porcelain skin. Many parts of him were shattered, and some parts of him were missing entirely. That was the first thing you learned that served as revolutionary progress for your mental databank about him. And although you could not see these deformations with your naked eye, you could tell that they were there, festering, rotting beneath the nonchalant facade he wore. He wove a mask to protect everyone from inhaling the stench, the noxious gases that poisoned those around him.

But his mask wasn’t only formed to protect the world from him—it also protected him from the world. If the world caught wind of the sins and the mass of corpses he carried to this day, it would not be kind to him. He would lose everything he had fought to rebuild. Scaramouche was abandoned, betrayed, and tortured beyond human comprehension, yes. But nobody was responsible for his crimes except himself. So, he was forced to carry the weight of his actions, to bear the foul odor until he had truly redeemed himself and beyond. Just as he was born to do with his "mother’s" Gnosis.

However, you would not be scared away. What he didn’t know was that you also hid a few wounds of your own.

When you told Scaramouche about your past, he listened. Not once did he interrupt you, mock you for the tears you held back, or let his gaze overwhelm you as you spoke. His eyes were glued to the flickering stars, the bundle of sparkling lies you found mesmerizing. You had no doubt he was listening because he truly was. For some odd reason, you knew he cared, showing it in his own way.

“I just wish I could heal, move on from all this, and start over one day. But these wounds…” You picked at your skin and laughed dryly. “They don’t heal,” Scaramouche concluded for you. You looked at him with widened eyes, staring as the pencil of moonlight illuminated his face perfectly. “You know what it’s like.” “And after a while, they begin to rot.” You nodded to his words. “And then…” you continued, “They leave a scar engraved upon your being, a scar that won’t heal. A scar that will torment you with every beat of your battered heart.” You looked down at your hands. Silence stretched between you two.

Scaramouche couldn’t love you. He was the toy soldier who didn’t know where his feelings came from. He was the heartless Harbinger who brought only the suffering of his past to those around him. His hatred spread like a disease. He could not risk infecting you with the same sins that destroyed him. And on top of it all, Scaramouche did not have a heart. Every fleeting emotion that had ever rooted itself in his nonexistent heart must not exist, either.

“You survived with your heart. Ruined, I guess. But real.” You looked at him. “Do you not have a heart, Scaramouche?” He tsked, but you knew his words held no bite. “Have you memorized my anatomy?”

He shook his head and chuckled. “I don’t have a heart. I never did. For five hundred years, I dedicated myself to a voyage to find and reclaim my missing heart. But I never got close to achieving my goal. And my journey… only resulted in the death of someone dear to me.”

Scaramouche was but a shattered porcelain doll. His bones rusted as his blood seeped through the cracks. He was a bloodied man, drenched head to toe in crimson. He did not deserve to heal.

You sat with him for a while, basking in the gentle night breeze. Your hair flowed with the same tranquility your face carried. After a moment to yourself, your hand slowly found its way to his. “Let us heal,” you smiled; genuinely, this time. “This time, we will rewrite our fate.”

Scaramouche turned his head toward the sky, his eyes flicking over the fake stars that hung proudly in the air. “Even if our fate was predetermined?” You nodded. He looked down at the spot where his heart should be. “Do you have what it takes to love the heartless?” “Does the heartless have what it takes to love?” “If I say yes?” His hand gripped yours. “Then I’ll show you how I love the heartless.”

Perhaps feelings truly can emerge from a heart that does not exist. Perhaps the right people can make a missing heart beat. Scaramouche was certain this time he would not be betrayed.

A/N: For a friend. If you’re reading this, I truly hope you could enjoy this fic.

[ryker-writes]

Your angst fic had made me go into angst creative mood. Twisted wonderland Character/s of your choosing of younger sibling that have chronic illness but hide it from their family. Often when to the toilet to cough out blood to avoid suspicious. Even went as far as asking the dr to keep it a secret because they don't want to burden their family and wanted them to enjoy their life because they already suffer so much and the distance actually help. Until sibling collapse and went into coma and the Dr had to break the news that they don't have much time left.

If it not to much- I'm feeling very angsty-

Oh my the heavy angst. This is so sad tho but I love it. These actually ended up longer than I thought they would be. I just had too many thoughts and it hurt my soul to write this because it's so sad but I enjoyed it

sorry not sorry if anyone cries <3

Characters: Leona, Idia, and Malleus

warnings: Mentions of blood, implied reader death, angst, no happy ending

Request rules and Masterlists

Leona:

you knew you should tell Leona about your condition

he was your older brother and he should know

but Leona was pretty protective and would drive himself mad demanding that somebody find something to help you

and he would spend all of his time worrying and fussing over you

so you didn't tell him

you wanted him to enjoy things and be happy

he's already struggled so much growing up and you don't want to burden him more

also you wanted to peacefully enjoy the time you had with everyone without a lingering sadness in the air

so you pleaded with the doctor to keep it a secret

and thankfully they did

all you had to do was hide the blood that you may cough out

so your bathroom trips became more frequent

Leona even joked that you should see the doctor about how much you have to go to the bathroom

but he didn't know the truth, and he was happy

that's all you wanted

until one day you woke up feeling weaker

you tried to fight it and carry on as you normally would

but for some reason you just couldn't

it was when you were walking in botanical garden towards Leona

black spots started to cloud your vision and you felt like you lost control of your body

the last thing you heard was Leona shouting

Leona was very worried when he saw you collapse

and you weren't responding to him either

he rushed you to the infirmary as quickly as he could and demanded that the doctor sees you immediately

when the doctor tells him that you're in a coma and don't have much time left, he's angry

how could you not tell him about your illness

he would've tried to help you if you just told him

Leona will spend most of his time by your side, waiting for you to wake up

he's not going to waste a moment somewhere else

he doesn't know what to do with himself

he's so angry with himself for not knowing sooner and not being able to do anything

you have to wake up, you just have to

Idia:

the Shroud family was a strange one

most of the family were shut-in's that were pretty isolated and lonely

your big brother Idia was a prime example of this

he spent most of his time behind the screens and barely interacted with other people

and he didn't really have friends either

both you and Ortho wanted him to be happy

and that's why you didn't tell him about your illness

if he knew he would isolate himself further and bury himself in trying to help

he would sacrifice his own health for the sake of you

and you couldn't let that happen

though you did hope that somehow he would be able to be happy and have a friend before your illness took over

it was difficult to keep it hidden

Ortho regularly does scans on you and Idia's health so he knows if something is wrong

so he knew, but you had to convince him not to tell Idia

it was a long process and filled with tears but he gave in eventually

and so when you would spend time with Idia, Ortho would be a little sad but hide it well

when you made and excuse of going to the bathroom Ortho knew what was happening and would make up some excuse to Idia about you drinking a lot of water or something

but then one day you were walking through the school halls with Ortho and Idia's tablet

it hit you so suddenly that you didn't even have time to react

as you coughed you could feel the blood sputter out and onto your chin

this coughing fit seemed worse than the rest and you couldn't stop

it hurt and even brought you down to the ground, and after a bit you passed out

Ortho was quick to help stabilize your condition and take you to the infirmary

all that came from the tablet was panicked noises and frantic questions

once the doctor checked up on your condition, he gave them the bad news

you had been sick for a long time and it's led you to a coma

with the way your condition was progressing, you didn't have much time left

Idia was so confused

how could both he and Ortho not notice especially when Ortho did health scans

but Ortho didn't answer and Idia could just tell that Ortho already knew

Night Raven College was buzzing with gossip that day

some were saying they saw Idia Shroud himself quickly walking through the halls and others denied that it couldn't be true

the notorious shut-in would never even leave his room or go outside Ignihyde

but the rumors were true

Idia Shroud had left his room and walked through the halls to the infirmary

and he stayed there all day constantly checking up on every little change in your condition

and when he wasn't checking on your condition he would sit there quietly and think

why did this have to happen?

why did it have to be you?

it wasn't fair

Idia was making the stressful trek through the halls every day so he could stay by your side in case you woke up

as he sat there he would play some of his video games and tell you all about it like he normally would, but this time you weren't able to respond

Malleus:

Malleus didn't have a lot of people he treasured in his life

those in Diasomnia were like his family, but you were actually his family so he treasured you dearly

he was always looking out for you and doing everything he could to make sure you were happy, and you wanted the same for him

so when the doctor had informed you of your illness and what would happen, you didn't want to tell him

Malleus would be crushed at the news

He had always been someone who was lonely

and you were like the one person he had that wasn't required to be around him

if he were to learn that you would soon be taken away from him, he wouldn't be able to cope

and you wanted to see him happy as long as you would be here

you couldn't tell him and instead kept it hidden from everyone

Malleus never questioned it much when you ran off to the bathroom

he would just ask if you were alright and once you said you were, he wouldn't ask past that

and so many days and even weeks past as you spent time with Malleus

he seemed happy and you were happy to see him like that

but it was when you were going on one of his gargoyle walks when the world started to spin

you wanted to ignore it and act natural before Malleus could notice, but it was all to much

your legs seemed more tired than usual and you fell to the ground

you could hear Malleus ask you repeatedly what was wrong but you couldn't answer

then the world faded to black

The great Malleus Draconia was terrified

you weren't responding to him and he didn't know what was wrong

his healing magic was amazing, but he couldn't heal injuries he didn't know about

so he picked you up and teleported the two of you to the infirmary

the doctor had to stop whatever they were already doing when the fae prince himself demanded his assistance

and the doctor checks up on you and tells Malleus everything

you were sick, now in a coma, and you were running out of time

the room was quiet for a minute as Malleus processed what the doctor said

and then, thunder

the worst thunderstorm Night Raven College has ever seen has been summoned

lightning was striking all around the campus and many students were taking shelter while terrified

but the infirmary was the safest place from the storm

Malleus sat by your side quietly pondering his thoughts

he was angry

not at you but at your illness for doing this to you, life for cursing you this way, and mostly at himself

he should've been able to see the signs before it got to this point

he should've been there for you

he should've helped you

how ironic it is that one of the most powerful mages was so helpless to save the one person they treasured most of all

Lilia, Silver, and Sebek came to find him after the storm started

and when they did, they didn't even say anything, but felt the heavy atmosphere

Lilia tried providing some comfort, but Malleus just stayed silent

for days after that, his three guards stood outside the infirmary and prevented anyone from disturbing the two of you

the storm persisted and Malleus never left your side

he would sit there for hours silently wishing for you to wake and be okay

even though he knew that was unlikely

but he wouldn't leave and possibly miss you waking up

that was simply one event he wouldn't miss

Malleus was never good at noticing how quickly time passed

but as he sat by your side, he was painfully aware of every passing second that you lie there

[neohoestechnology]

I absolutely love your moodboards and headcanons! Could you do one for Draco? 🥰🫶🏻

Thank you so much!!💗💗

I'm SO sorry it took so long (mainly because I saw the request yesterday 🫠 my university is KILLING me sorry😭). This is LONG so bare with me + my English is rusty af so I apologize for any grammar mistake

☆ Draco Malfoy Headcanons & Moodboard ☆

Okay, so, a quick disclaimer here before we get started -----> now, I really believe that Draco is one the most tricky character to "get right" (speaking of his behavior and thoughts), so I just wanted to say that this is my personal interpretation and could be 100% different from yours so please be kind🥹

Oh boy, it took A LOT for you two to finally get together; a lot of time, a lot of effort, a lot of sacrifice and arguments between both of you and your friends. Just a lot.

I think we can all agree that our beloved boy couldn't care less about girls before during his first years at Hogwarts. Some things changed as time passed by, a lot, actually. He changed in the first place, becoming old enough to finally understand his family affairs and secrets. He HAD to change. He wanted to gain strength to be able to carry this new burden on his shoulders and to show his worth, but it all developed into a self-destruction, never-ending cycle that made him feel left out and alone. You, on the other hand, always seemed to have all figured out, and always looked so calm and caring. Truth is that you also felt like you were missing something, like you didn't really fit in for some reason.

It's not really clear how or why you two got together, but somehow, it happened.

Your caring nature always irritated him. How naive, he thought, but that time you found him crying on the bathroom floor, all alone and desperate, he thanked God that you came.

From this episode, bit by bit, your relationship started to form.

You two are VERY good at keeping it private, very discreet.

At the end of the day, you just have one another to stay with, and you are more than okay with that. People started to get suspicious, though; your friends started to notice your frequent excuses and distance, wondering WHAT ON EARTH they did to make you feel this way. Little did they know about your secret midnight meetings with a boy whose reputation speaks for himself.

Even though you two never show up together as a couple, you actually never feel lonely during the day. It's all about those secretly exchanged gazes, the typical side eye thing from across the room when someone is talking bs, him softly brushing his hand against yours when you are leaving a class and no one can see.

BUT, when you two are ACTUALLY ALONE... Soft touches, hushed words and pleading eyes.

You like to share silence together, there's nothing left to share after your first bathroom rendezvous.

I feel like he smells like wood, like deep forest or something like that, but his smell is kinda comforting (my scent-describing skills are nonexistent sorry😭)

I mean, you can feel his presence even without seeing him.

He has this thing about his eyes, like the way he looks at you. Everyone who played close attention to his gaze could tell it was love and admiration.

LOVES when you run your hands through his hair (sometimes you could swear to hear him purring).

Likes to make flowers appear between the pages of your potion book while taking classes, only to give you a subtle smile and turn his head to read his instructions immediately after.

Your first time together was during the Christmas break, when there were just the two of you in the entire Slytherin dorm. It was the first time he said "I love you" (it's fucking cheesy but I love it eheh). Everything was so slow and sensual. Lips, hands and kisses everywhere. Slow thrusts with your hands intertwined and his head buried in your neck.

His hands are always so cold that he has to keep them in your sleeves (he loves it though)

Likes watching you sleep (not in a creepy way don't worry lol). He'd brush your hair out of your face and caress your face softly.

Would fidget a lot while talking to you, mostly to distract himself from the fact that he gets weak in the knees every time he looks in your eyes, even after all this time. He'd 100% play with your hands or hair just because.

You'd literally yank his hand from his mouth every time he bit his nails or picked at his skin.

He's the type of person who would do hot things without even realizing. He would undo a few buttons of your shirt just to button them up right away just because he thought they looked weirdly asymmetrical, causing you to blush and stutter. And this mf would just tell you to go on and finish what you were saying (okay, maybe he does this on purpose).

You know that the way he behaves around others is just a facade. He is so broken and hopeless that he HAS to act that way around them, but when he's with you, his safe place, he feels so grateful that he gets to get loose from his worries and reveal the real person he is that it scares him how attracted he is to you, how primal his need for you is.

When your friends found out that you were dating Mr Bully Malfoy, they just couldn't wrap their heads around the reason that spurred you to do so. Let's just say that you are not friends anymore. You tried to explain yourself countless times, but they didn't seem to understand nor were willing to do so, and you thought you were better off without them anyway.

He got the same treatment from his friends ngl. It was better this way, honestly. In the end, you just needed one another to feel complete and fulfilled.

He thought about running away with you almost once a day during his 6th year. He knew what, better say who, was coming. He was sure that the death eaters wouldn't spare anyone, maybe himself included. When he first told you, he was sure you would laugh it off and call him paranoid, but instead, you listened to him carefully and decided to plan your escape with him without even flinching.

It was a gloomy night in the middle of the winter. Rushed footsteps were echoing in a corridor, then in the hall, down the stairs. Restless eyes were wandering around the path, occasionally looking back to check no one was tagging after them. A subtle creaking of a rusty gate opening was heard, and then nothing else.

OKAY SO I got WAY MORE carried away than I should and I know this is longer and more serious and dark than what I usually do but I tried my best. Actually, I'm not 100% satisfied with how it turned out and maybe the person who asked it expected something different and more light-hearted, and I apologize for it. Again, writing this character is difficult af.

I do not possess any of these photos, all credits go to the owners.

Love you, B. 🌱🤍

[punkshort]

Chapter warnings: anxiety/panic attacks, PTSD, angst, language, fluff, smut (18+ MDNI)

A/N: I only edited this once, I apologize for any errors I missed, I have been sick the past week but wanted to make sure to get this chapter out to you all :)

Chapter Twenty

April 2005

The dim morning light seeped through the curtains with a bluish hue as the sun just began to rise. Although it was early, Joel had been awake for almost an hour for the second time that week, his hand clutching at his bare chest as he focused on his breathing. He had been tossing and turning, alternating between staring at your empty side of the bed and trying to go back to sleep. Eventually, his intrusive thoughts won the war, and just like every other time that happened, his chest began to tighten. He closed his eyes and imagined you putting your small hand over his heart, reminding him to breathe. He focused as hard as he could on the image, hearing you say it over and over until he felt his chest loosen and his lungs could drag in more air. When it finally passed, he opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, catching his breath and listening to the birds chirp outside his window.

It had been almost four months since you left. At first, he gave you your space, but after a month, he couldn't stay away. He found himself leaning against the bar of the Tipsy Bison every night, throwing back whiskey and waiting for you to show up. He figured you would eventually have to go there to eat, but you must have been making food at Maria's house, or maybe Maria had been bringing food back to you because you never came.

Then he was at Maria's door, drunkenly begging to see you from the porch. If Maria was home, she would send him on his way, gently telling him you wanted to be left alone. If no one answered, he would sit there for at least an hour, even in the freezing cold of winter, hoping you would change your mind and let him in.

He knew it was pathetic, but he didn't care. If he didn't have you, there was no point. He was determined to explain himself. He should have told you months ago when you thought he was just being jealous. You weren't wrong, he was a little jealous and possessive at the way Jake spoke to you, looked at you, kissed you. But the main reason, the real reason why he lost all control that night was because of Kansas City. At the time, he didn't want to burden you with his problems, knowing you had enough to worry about, enough trauma to work through on your own that he wasn't going to saddle you with his, but that night in Kansas City changed him. He didn't realize it until months later, too focused on you and trying to keep you going, trying to keep you safe. But after talking with Tommy, he realized he must have had some unresolved trauma from the whole event. The panic attacks, the flashbacks, and his hesitancy to be physical with you all stemmed from that night.

Tommy told him he had to forgive himself for what happened to you, that until he did, he would never be able to move on. However, he couldn't work on that without talking to you first, to apologize and explain why he did what he did, but you kept yourself hidden away.

You still went to work at the greenhouse, but he wouldn't corner you there. He wanted you to talk to him on your own terms. Sometimes, if he was lucky, he would catch you from a distance crossing the street hurriedly as you made your way to work, your head down, avoiding eye contact with everyone until you made it inside the safety of the greenhouse.

You had been right, there was a town vote on whether Joel should be asked to leave. He had the right to state his case, so he was there that night, hoping to see you up close, but you didn't go. Tommy had helped him prepare a speech, told him to focus on all the good he did for the town with the construction of the wall, that it was a one-time incident and beg the people not to judge him too harshly for it. It must have worked because they only received nine votes wanting him to leave. The matter was settled, he was allowed to stay. He thought once you heard the news that you would be open to talking with him, but he was wrong.

Even though it was spring, the mornings were still cool. He looked over at your side of the bed and wondered if you were cold, if you missed his touch the way he missed yours.

He sighed and sat up in bed, tossing his legs over the side of the mattress. He stretched and grabbed some clothes, heading out the door to the bathroom. He glanced once at the closed door across the hall before entering the bathroom. As quietly as he could, he turned the water on in the shower and pulled the curtain shut, letting the hot water sear his skin. He was trying to be careful not to wake Tommy or his new neighbor, an older man named Luther.

Jake was in the infirmary for almost two weeks before he was released. Obviously, neither he nor Joel wanted to live in the same house anymore, so one day when Joel was at work, Jake, with some help, came to collect his belongings. He ended up switching rooms with Luther, who had previously been living above the infirmary. Luther was in his 70s and at the time, was probably the only person in town who didn't care about living so close to Joel. Even though only nine people wanted him gone, the town kept their distance from him for a while, avoiding his eye when he walked down the street, sitting far away from him at the dining hall. If it wasn't for Tommy and Maria, he would have been completely alone.

He stepped out of the shower and dried himself off, deciding he might as well get an early start on the day. The wall was just about finished. He estimated it would be fully complete by the end of next week, so long as they didn't get any major rain that delayed construction.

He quietly boiled some water for instant coffee, too impatient to wait for the coffee maker, and poured it into a thermos. He slid on his boots and grabbed a jacket but didn't put it on as he walked out the door. He paused to take a deep breath, inhaling the fresh, early morning air. He walked down the steps, glancing up and down the street before turning to head towards the new neighborhood. It was early, the rest of the town was still asleep. Or so he thought.

He took a sip from his thermos, tipping his head back and cursing when he burnt his tongue. He rounded the corner of the street, wiping coffee from his chin when he collided headfirst into you.

He smelled your shampoo before he even saw your face, and his heart began to thud wildly in his chest. His breath caught in his throat when you looked up at him, your beautiful eyes wide with shock.

"Oh!" you exclaimed, your gaze raking down his body quickly before looking back up at him. "S-sorry," you said, blush creeping along your cheeks as you moved to the side to walk past him.

"It's alright," he murmured, still taking in every detail of you now that he's finally seen you up close. Your face looked thinner, and your hair was a little longer, but otherwise you still looked the same. You began to walk away, your eyes fixed on your destination and trying not to give your emotions away when he called your name. You stopped, but you didn't turn around.

He struggled with what to say, not expecting you to stop.

"How are you?" he asked softly. Idiot.

"I'm good," you said. Your voice sounded so small. His eyes drifted to the thermos in his hand, trying to think of something else to say when, to his surprise, you spoke again.

"How are you?"

You still had your back to him, but your head was turned slightly to the side.

"Good," he replied, but shook his head and dropped his shoulders.

"That's a lie. I'm fuckin' terrible."

He heard you suck in air at his admission, and he shifted his weight to his other foot, waiting for you to say something, anything else.

"You look tired," you said, turning slightly to face him now.

"Can't sleep without you," he said, his eyebrows pinched. It looked like you wanted to say something else but held back, choosing instead to bite down on your lip and look away as you rocked on your heels.

"I look for you every day," he whispered. Your eyes fluttered shut and you pressed your lips together. "Miss you so much, it hurts."

"Joel..." you said, wiping a tear from your cheek. He swallowed and clenched his fist at his side, trying to restrain himself from wrapping you up in his arms. 

"You need to stop coming by Maria's," you told him, eyes still shut. "You're making this so much harder than it has to be."

"Will you at least talk to me?" he begged. His throat felt tight from trying to stifle his emotions. When you didn't respond, he tried again.

"I'll leave you alone, but please, just talk to me, once. One time. That's all."

You opened your eyes and looked at him now, seeing the desperation and pain written all over his face.

He could hear someone's front door open and shut, then two people's voices breaking the morning silence and heading in your direction.

"Let me think about it," you said, then quickly turned from him to head towards the greenhouse.

He released the breath he didn't realize he was holding as he watched you leave.

That was the most you've spoken to him in months. Progress.

He felt a wave of relief wash over him as you rounded the corner, out of sight.

You pushed the greenhouse door open and slammed it shut behind you, leaning against it to catch your breath. Joel was never out this early. You always tried to sneak around town whenever you knew he was working or sleeping, desperately attempting to avoid what just happened because you knew when you finally did see him, you would crack.

You buried your face in your hands, grateful to be alone for once so you could gather yourself. Carrie still helped in the greenhouse when she could, but the night of the fight, Bill, the town doctor, enlisted her assistance in patching Jake up. Apparently, she did an outstanding job and Bill was eager to keep her around more at the infirmary. Carrie had always been more interested in medicine and always so excited to learn whenever Bill gave her the chance, so you understood that she wanted to prioritize that over the greenhouse.

She never held it against you once you tearfully explained to her what happened. In fact, she felt bad that she had put you in that position in the first place, which you immediately brushed off, assuring her it was not her fault, and that both the men were idiots.

You had feared the worst that night. Afraid Joel had beaten Jake so badly that he wouldn't make it, knowing if that happened, he most definitely would be asked to leave Jackson. You were so grateful that Carrie provided you with constant updates on his improving condition. You didn't want to go visit him and give the wrong impression to anybody in town, least of all Jake.

You shrugged your coat off and hung it by the door, heading to the office to review the notes you had made regarding the various stages of herbs and vegetables. This was the week you had planned on harvesting a crop of medicinal herbs to bring over to Bill, so you pulled your gloves on and grabbed your shears, getting to work.

You replayed your interaction with Joel over and over in your mind as you clipped the herbs, carefully knotting them together with twine and labeling them before moving on. You had been successfully avoiding him for months, but you knew this would happen someday. You used to be so angry with him for what he did: not letting you take care of yourself, not believing you when you told him you handled the situation, then went and embarrassed you in front of the whole town and risked the chance of getting kicked out. But as time went on, that anger melted away, and every day you felt yourself weaken even more.

He sat outside on Maria's porch most nights, hoping you would come to him. And so many times, you almost did. You stood on the other side of the door, resting your forehead against it, listening to the war raging inside you until you either gave up and went back to your room, or he left. It was killing you having him out there. You couldn't think straight, couldn't work through your feelings when you knew he was there, standing vigil outside your door.

And now, you finally ran into him. Literally, ran into him. And he smelled so good. You could tell he had just showered; his hair was still slicked back in the way you secretly loved but never told him. And he was warm. His rough hand on you was so warm and inviting, it dragged back so many memories of what those hands could do that you needed to take a step back to collect yourself.

When you saw the pain in his face, you tried your best to look away, to avoid eye contact because if you didn't you knew you would give in and go to him, and you still hadn't figured out after all this time if that was what you wanted. His constant presence was making your mind muddled and it was impossible to sort through your feelings. The only place you found refuge was in the greenhouse, where you were primarily alone, with no external stimulus to distract you. Here is where you could finally think.

And you were beginning to think you wanted him back.

You groaned, shaking your head as you tried to focus.

You finished up harvesting the medicinal herbs, making a mental note to check on the seedlings when you returned. You packed the herbs into a basket and made your way outside.

The sun was out, but the air was still brisk. You had pulled your coat on, but five minutes into the walk to the infirmary, you regretted wearing it. As you walked down the now busy street, your eyes naturally traveled to the new neighborhood where Joel was working. Sure enough, you spotted him talking to someone and pointing at the small unfinished portion of the wall. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and you watched his forearms flex. You always were so mesmerized by his arms, and the familiar pull in your abdomen reminded you he still had that effect.

The man he was speaking to walked in the direction Joel had been pointing, and then he stood there with his hands on his hips. As if he felt your gaze, he turned towards your direction, searching the crowd. You quickly averted your eyes and focused your attention on the infirmary. You walked up the steps and gave two quick knocks before pushing the door open, and you swore you felt Joel's gaze on your back until you closed the door behind you.

"Bill?" you called out, the place surprisingly quiet. "Carrie?"

You peered around a corner into an exam room to find it empty. You frowned and kept moving down the hall.

"Hello?" you called out again, softer this time. You placed your hand on a doorknob when you heard something fall at the end of the hall. You dropped your hand and moved in the direction of the noise.

"Bill?" you said timidly. "It's me. I have turmeric and ginger for you."

Still not getting a response, your heart rate began to pick up, wondering what the hell was going on.

Your hand hovered over the doorknob of the last exam room, listening intently, trying to figure out if anyone or anything was behind the door. You gripped your basket tightly in your hand, and pushed the door open with a start.

"Oh my god!" you exclaimed, covering your eyes. You had been expecting the worst, wondering if someone had gotten bit and turned, but what you didn't expect was Jake half naked on top of Carrie on the exam room bed.

"I'm sorry!" you said, slamming the door behind you, still covering your eyes. You heard hushed whispers on the other side of the door, and you dropped your hand, rushing to the front of the office and placing your basket down, figuring Carrie could bring it back empty for her next shift.

You hustled out of the building, your face bright red as you made your way back. You had no idea if Joel saw you this time, too embarrassed to look. You kept your head down until you made it back to the sanctity of the greenhouse, and for the second time that morning, collecting yourself as you caught your breath against the door.

"Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later," Maria said after you told her about your conversation with Joel. She was fixing her hair in the bathroom, about to head out to dinner with Tommy, while you stood against the door frame and regaled her with your story.

"Yeah, I know," you muttered, rolling your head against the wall.

"How long are you gonna make him suffer?" she teased you. "I mean, don't get me wrong, you're always welcome here, but the new neighborhood will be done soon..."

"How much longer til it's done?" you asked.

"Joel thinks by end of next week. I'm going to head over there tomorrow and start assigning houses."

You nodded, thinking back to Joel's request from that morning.

"Maybe I should at least talk to him," you suggested, and Maria squealed, making you jump.

"I'm sorry, but please, I'm begging you. I didn't want to make you feel bad, but he's just so miserable sitting at that bar all alone every night, then hanging around my porch."

"Well, it's not like I'm torturing him for no reason!" you argued. She held up her hands in defeat.

"I know. You're right. What he did was wrong. Hell, I was ready to kick his ass that night. But he's redeemed himself. He's done so much for the town, and he's never had another altercation. Even when Jake is around, there's no problem anymore." Maria flicked the light off and headed down the hall to the kitchen.

"Speaking of Jake, I saw him today when I was dropping off herbs to Bill," you said, trailing after her.

"Oh, yeah? Was it awkward?"

You laughed, and she turned to look at you, giving you a curious smile.

"Uh, yeah, it was awkward, but not for the reason you're thinking."

You went on to tell her how you walked in on him and Carrie and she clamped her hands over her mouth as she listened to your story. The two of you were doubling over with laughter when Tommy entered the kitchen with a smile on his face.

"What're you girls laughin' about?" he asked, wrapping an arm around Maria and giving her a kiss on the top of her head. You looked away, trying not to remember how Joel used to pull that exact move on you.

"Oh, I'll tell you about it later. You wanna join us?" Maria asked, turning to you. Even though your answer was always no, she asked you every night anyway.

"Yeah, thanks. I'll just get something to bring back here," you said, breezing past them and ignoring their surprised faces.

Maria turned to Tommy and mouthed the word "Joel" behind your back, exchanging looks.

"Ready?" you asked them over your shoulder, pulling the door open.

"Yep!" Maria said, dragging Tommy behind her and out the door.

Joel settled into his usual spot at the bar and waited for Seth to bring over his glass of whiskey. He glanced around the room as Seth put the drink in front of him, envious of all the happy and smiling faces. He stared down at the full glass in his hands, just watching the liquid swirl around without taking a sip. He had no idea what he would do tonight now that he promised you he would stop going to Maria's house. Even though you never opened the door, it eased his mind knowing you were near, that you were safe. It was the only good part of his day.

He rubbed his face into the palms of his hands, trying not to let the panic swell up inside his chest. He breathed deeply a few times, but it wasn't helping.

'Shit,' he thought, 'This can't happen here.’

He stood from his stool, abandoning his untouched glass of whiskey and yanked on his coat, his vision getting narrow. He heard Tommy and Maria enter from across the room like they usually did around this time. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping they wouldn't see him as he shuffled his way towards the door, keeping his head down and flexing his fingers, trying to keep them from going numb.

"Joel?"

He froze, unsure if he really heard your voice. Maybe he was going crazy.

Then you reached out to put a hand on his arm, and just like that, his hands didn't feel tingly anymore. He looked up and met your concerned gaze. He must have looked like a wreck because you turned back towards the door, tugging his elbow, forcing him to follow you.

You pulled him outside and down the street a bit, finding a bench in a quiet area and made him sit down. He hung his head between his knees as he struggled for air.

"Come on," you said softly, rubbing his back. "You're ok. Lift your head up," you tugged gently on his shoulder, making him sit upright to look at you. His eyes were glassy and his jaw tense as he clutched at his chest.

"Joel, come on, you can do this," you told him firmly, removing his hand and replacing it with your own over his heart. His eyes slid shut and his head tipped back, relief instantly flooding through him at your touch.

"In through your nose, out through your mouth," you said quietly, and he immediately obeyed. You didn't remove your hand until you felt his heartbeat return to normal and his eyes reopened.

"Thank you," he panted lightly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Does that happen a lot?" you asked, picking at the seam of your jeans. He nodded.

"Yeah," was all he offered, and you swallowed. They never used to happen that often.

"This might be a bad time but did you... did you want to still have that talk?" you asked him, chewing on your lower lip nervously.

"Never a bad time if I'm with you," he said weakly, still rattled from his panic attack but his eyes were wide and hopeful. You blushed and nodded your head down the street.

"Let's take a walk," you suggested, standing up.

"Yes, ma'am," he said, joining you as you slowly meandered down the almost empty street.

For the first time since you met, you were uncomfortable and not sure what to say. So, you decided to keep it to small talk, keep it safe. 

"Maria told me the wall is almost done," you said.

"Yeah, another week should do it," he said, rubbing the back of his neck as he walked alongside you.

"What will you do when it's finished?" you asked, glancing at him. He looked nervous.

"Oh, I got some stuff I gotta work on over there for a bit, then I reckon Tommy'll have me on patrol."

"Patrol?" you repeated, your brows furrowed.

"Yeah, why? You don't want me on patrol?" he asked when he saw your face, then bit his cheek after he realized what he said. He wasn't even sure you were together anymore, but he was talking like you were.

"No," you shrugged, "do whatever you want."

You walked in silence for a couple minutes, slowly making your way down the street before you realized you were heading toward the stables. The horses were out in the pasture grazing and enjoying the last bit of daylight. You walked up to the fence and leaned against it, watching the horses flick their ears and tails.

"It probably won't mean much now," Joel said, taking a deep breath. "But I'm sorry. I'm so fuckin' sorry. I was stupid and I overreacted. And I shoulda listened to you. You told me you handled it, and you did, it's just..."

His jaw ticked and he looked away from you.

"I just got some stuff to work through, is all. It's my fault," he said, still looking away. You watched him carefully now that his face was turned away. You could tell he was struggling with something, like he was holding something back, but he seemed sincere.

"Thank you," you said quietly, and rested your chin on the top of your hands as you looked out at the pasture. Joel looked back at you, admiring the way the evening sun highlighted your delicate features.

"Goddamn, you're beautiful," he whispered in awe. You felt a shiver go up your spine and you tried to hide it by awkwardly shifting your weight.

"Joel..." you said, trying to make your tone come off as a warning, but failing. He was breaking you down, you could feel it.

"Gimme another chance," he begged, turning his body to face you, leaning his side against the fence. "Please. I-I can't stop thinkin' about you. I'll do whatever it takes. Please."

You knew it would be your downfall, but you did it anyway. You turned your head and looked into his deep, brown eyes, filled with regret and anguish. His expression was pleading as he nervously picked at the paint on the fence without looking.

After everything the two of you had been through, saving each other's lives, being there for each other through it all, and defying all odds at survival, how could you not give in?

"Okay," you whispered, and his face lit up. He reached out a hand to you with a smile and you took it, pulling you into a tight hug and burying his nose in your hair, breathing deep. You smelled like roses and some strong herb that you grew in the greenhouse he couldn't quite identify, and fuck did he miss that smell. He missed the way you fit perfectly into his arms and how you always knew exactly what to do to help with his attacks. He didn't deserve you, he’d known that for a while, but he also knew he would never love anybody else the way he loved you.

"I don't think I can just jump right back to the way we were before," you murmured against his chest, and he nodded.

"I know," he said, "I understand." Even though he said the words, his heart broke a little realizing you wouldn't be in bed next to him tonight. But you were giving him another chance, that's what was important, and he wasn't going to fuck it up again.

"Will you walk me back?" you asked quietly, still clutched in his embrace.

"'Course I will," he said, taking a step back. He dropped his arm to his side and laced his fingers in between yours.

The day had turned to dusk, the string lights that weaved above your heads began to flicker on as he walked you back to Maria's house in a comfortable silence. He tried to go slow, wanting to soak up every second he could before he had to go back to Tommy's all alone.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" Joel asked you, hoping he didn't sound as needy as he felt. You thought about it for a moment.

"How about lunch?" you offered, and he couldn't keep the smile from pulling across his face as he led you up the steps to Maria's porch.

"Sounds perfect," he said. You turned and looked up at him through your eyelashes as you stood in front of the door.

"Thanks for walking me back," you said, letting his hand go and dropping it to your side.

"Thank you for not givin' up on me," he replied with a sad smile.

You reached up to wrap your arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug, pressing your face against his neck.

"I just wish you would have trusted me," you murmured into his skin. "But I'll never give up on you, Joel."

He pulled back from you just enough so he could lean down and capture your lips with his, bringing one of his hands up to cup your cheek. His kiss took you by surprise, but you only needed a moment before reacting. You massaged your lips against his slowly and gently, like you were trying to commit every second to memory. You didn't look to deepen the kiss. You just wanted to feel him close to you, not realizing how badly you missed him and his touch. You let one of your hands fall to his collar from the back of his neck, gripping the fabric there tightly in your fist.

He tried to match your pace, he tried to go slow, but it had been four agonizing months without you, and he found it impossible to restrain himself. He pressed his lips against yours firmly, increasing the pace and frequency of kisses he planted against your mouth. He slid his hand from your cheek to the back of your head, holding you against him. That's when you moaned softly, and his judgement began to slip. He reluctantly pulled away from you, a gasp escaping your lips at the sudden loss.

"Sorry," he whispered, panting for air. "It's just... if we keep goin', we'll be gettin' breakfast instead of lunch."

You laughed breathlessly as you felt heat creep up your neck. He grinned, pleased he could make you laugh.

You reached for the door, your hand on the knob, and turned back to him before pushing it open.

"Good night, Joel," you said quietly.

"G'night, sweetheart," he replied as he watched you enter the house, shutting the door softly behind you.

The next morning, Joel awoke early, like usual, but the anxiety that typically greeted him was absent. He laid in the bed you once shared, staring up at the ceiling and listening to the birds awaken outside, waiting for his chest to constrict, but it never came. Instead, his thoughts were filled with you from the day before. How sweet and gentle you were when you helped him through his panic attack. The way you looked at him with your soft, beautiful eyes, your hair pulled back but still some strands made their way to rest against your collarbone, and the shy smiles you offered that reminded him of when you had first met.

He closed his eyes, replaying the kiss you shared outside of Maria's house. He could tell he took you off guard. He knew he took a risk, but he couldn't help himself. And the soft, slow way you kissed him back was unlike anything the two of you had shared before. He was used to the passionate, hungry way you typically were with one another, but yesterday felt different. Yesterday felt like love. He wanted more, wishing he hadn't allowed himself to pick up the pace and then stopped the moment too soon.

He couldn't keep the smile from his face as he got ready, looking forward to meeting you for lunch. Maria was supposed to stop by the new neighborhood that morning, he was hoping that would help make his day go by fast so he could see you again.

He jogged lightly down the stairs, a spring in his step as he reached for his usual thermos, noticing the coffee had already been brewed. He turned around, looking for evidence of his roommates, shocked Tommy or Luther had been up at this hour. He shrugged, pouring some coffee into his thermos when he heard the downstairs bathroom door open.

"You're up early," Joel said over his shoulder, turning around. His jaw fell open and his eyebrows shot up in embarrassment when instead of meeting Tommy's gaze, he met Maria's, with only a towel wrapped around herself, frozen in the hallway. Joel whipped back around to face the coffee maker and cleared his throat.

"Sorry, thought you were Tommy," Joel said, staring down at the coffee in his hands.

"No problem!" Maria squeaked, making a beeline for Tommy's bedroom and shutting the door. He could hear hushed whispers from the room as Joel slid his boots on. He was tying them up when Tommy emerged from the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

"G'mornin'," Tommy mumbled, still half asleep.

"Yeah, looks like you are havin' a good mornin'," Joel chuckled, reaching for the other boot's laces. Tommy rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous habit that seemed to run in the family.

"Thought you might've stayed the night at Maria's," Tommy said as Joel stood, snatching his coffee from the bottom stair. Joel looked at him, confused, before he elaborated.

"We saw you two last night," Tommy explained with a grin. "Comin' back from dinner. We saw you on Maria's porch. So, I took her back here, thought you could use the privacy."

"Oh," Joel said, nodding. He picked his coat from the hook by the door but just held it in his hand, not sure yet what the temperature was like outside. "No, nothin' like that."

Joel must have had a dejected look on his face because Tommy's face turned to one of concern.

"Everythin' alright now?" he prodded.

"Yeah. Or, it will be. I think. She's givin' me another chance, but I think we both got stuff we need to work out. Tryin' to take it slow."

"Hey, now that's good news! And I'll bet once she sees that house, it'll all be forgotten," Tommy said, clapping Joel on the shoulder before heading over to the coffee.

"Yeah, thanks. Hey, tell Maria I'll see her in a bit," Joel replied as he tossed his coat over his arm and walked out the front door.

He hoped Tommy was right. He has been working on that house for weeks, ever since the weather broke and he had the opportunity to spend extra time there after work. The house itself was in good condition, but he wanted it to be perfect. He had knocked down a wall, opening up the kitchen and the living room. He fixed a few broken things around the house: a door that wouldn't shut properly, a cabinet that was missing a handle. But most recently, he had been working on the outside. There was a small porch already installed, but it wasn't a wraparound porch, and that was what you told him you always wanted. So, he built it for you, taking great care as he went to make it perfect, and even carved some decorative designs into the wood when the mood struck and when he found the time. He had just finished construction on the porch and yesterday he had begun to paint the siding white with some paint Tommy had looted for him at a nearby hardware store.

He was keeping the house a secret until he had it just the way he wanted it for you. Just the way you always deserved.

'One step at a time,' he told himself as he approached the house, testing the wooden swing he built on the porch before taking a seat, sipping from his thermos as he looked around the quiet neighborhood. One step at a time.

"What is wrong with me?" you muttered to yourself as you strode down the street towards the Tipsy Bison. Your hands were trembling as you walked, your nerves creeping up on you ever since you left the greenhouse. Why were you so anxious to see Joel? He was the only constant in your life for so long, this should be easy. But for some reason, you were nervous to see him. Nervous about what to say. You were so lost in your thoughts that it took Carrie twice to call out your name before you heard her, turning around. You must have walked right by her and Jake without realizing it.

"Oh!" you said, shaking your head and giving her a smile. "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention." Your eyes drifted to Jake's and gave him a small smile. You hadn't seen him since the fight, and you wouldn't really count the time you walked in on him and Carrie all over each other. Fortunately, he seemed fully healed and looked happy, giving you a warm smile with his arm draped around Carrie's shoulder.

"Heading to lunch?" Carrie asked you brightly. You nodded, deciding to leave Joel's name out of it.

"Yep, how about you guys?"

"We packed a little picnic!" Carrie said, lifting a basket in her hand. "We're going to enjoy some of this nice weather, this winter has been so horrible, I've just been dying to get outside." Her eyes shifted to Jake, noticing he was rather quiet.

"Um, why don't I go on ahead and find a good spot in the park?" Carrie said quietly to Jake. He gave her an adoring smile and nodded. You frowned, confused at the obvious setup that was taking place.

"I'll see you tomorrow at work," she told you with a wave and one more reassuring glance at Jake before heading towards the small park near the center of town.

"Everything alright?" you asked him curiously, and he nodded.

"Oh yeah, everything's fine. She just wanted us to clear the air about, y'know," he gestured vaguely at nothing in particular, and you nodded.

"Right," you said, looking down at your feet. "Well, I'm sorry I didn't visit, I was just so embarrassed, and I knew everyone in town would talk... but I asked Carrie for updates all the time. It's not like I didn't care, I just..." you trailed off, glancing around you nervously, looking for Joel.

"I know, it's alright," he said with a smile, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I actually wanted to apologize to you." You frowned, finally looking back up at him.

"Apologize? For what?" you asked incredulously.

"Well, kissing you, for one. I know I already explained it was a misunderstanding, but that night got me all worked up and I had this stupid idea that you would be happier with me... I don't know, I guess I just let my feelings get the best of me. And I'm sorry I put you in that position," he said sincerely, looking you straight in the eye to try to drive his point home. "And secondly, I'm sorry for what I said to you during the fight. It wasn't right, I had no place to say that to you. I-I don't have any idea what your relationship with Joel is like, I was just pissed and talking out of my ass."

Jake looked relieved once he finished his speech, and you wondered briefly if he rehearsed it. It certainly felt like it. You had no idea he was feeling responsible for what happened that night. You were too wrapped up in what you and Joel were going through to give Jake a second thought.

"Oh, you don't need to apologize, but I appreciate it all the same," you said, waving him off and feeling guilty you didn't consider his side of things until now. "I'm sorry - about what Joel did. We've just been through a lot out there," you gestured to the world beyond Jackson. "It's no excuse, but I think we were both a little distrusting of new people at the time. And I'm just glad you're okay."

"It's alright," he said, awkwardly shifting his weight and glancing around at the now busy street. "Hell, maybe it was meant to be," he chuckled, and you gave him a confused smile. "Carrie," he clarified, gesturing in the direction she had walked toward earlier. "She took care of me after that, and I got to know her. You were right to try to set us up. She's awesome," he said, gazing longingly towards the park. You turned and looked in the same direction, as if you could see her from where you were standing.

"Hm, you're right," you said, turning back to him. "Maybe you owe me one, then." He laughed at your joke, finally looking more relaxed.

"Well, anyway, I won't keep you. Just wanted to, y'know, go back to normal," he said with a shrug.

"Yeah, thanks Jake," you said, and you meant it. "I'll see you around."

You gave him a wave and turned to head back towards the Tipsy Bison, nervous to see Joel for an entirely different reason now.

You pushed the door open and looked around the packed dining hall. He noticed you immediately and stood up from the table he had claimed, drawing your attention and a smile. You squeezed through the full tables of neighbors laughing and eating. Once you reached the table, Joel wrapped you into a quick one-armed hug before sliding your chair out for you.

"Wow, pulling out all the stops?" you joked, trying to lighten the mood. He grinned and sat down.

"Well, I'm still from the south. Old habits and all that," he said, tapping his fingers anxiously on the table. The noise drew your attention to his hands, and you frowned, reaching over to pick up one of his hands gently in yours.

"Why are your hands red?" you asked.

"Oh, just some paint," he said, watching you turn his hand over in yours to examine it closer before letting it go, already missing your touch.

"Sheesh, I thought it was blood or something. Are you painting the wall?" you asked, confused. He shook his head.

"Nah, just somethin' else I'm workin' on," he explained, desperate to change the subject. "Was there a plant emergency or somethin'?" he joked, making you laugh heartily, and you shook your head.

"No, I'm sorry I'm late. I ran into someone, and they were talking my ear off," you said, looking down at the table, avoiding his gaze.

"Oh, alright. Thought maybe I dreamed up our conversation last night, had me worried I was losin' it," he said, his hand entering your field of vision to reach for yours. You smiled and looked back up at him, then decided if you were starting over, you should be honest.

"It was Jake," you said, maintaining eye contact to gauge his reaction. He stilled for a moment, and a muscle in his jaw twitched, but he forced a smile anyway.

"Okay," he said, rubbing his thumb on the back of your hand. "So, how was your morning?"

"You aren't going to ask me what he wanted?" you asked, keeping a close eye on his reaction. He shook his head, still smiling at you.

"Nope. Not unless you feel like tellin' me. I trust you," he said, sitting back in his chair and looked up at the busy bar. "I'll go up and order us somethin', what'dya feel like havin'?"

"I'll have whatever you're having," you said, a bewildered look on your face. He stood up and headed over to the bar, leaning against it to get Seth's attention.

You sat there, shocked, as you waited for Joel to return with your food. You could tell Joel still had a reaction to hearing Jake's name, but he controlled himself and didn't lash out.  You were touched, noticing how hard he was trying. He even made a point to say he trusted you.

You watched as he made his way back to your table, people inadvertently moving out of his way, unlike you who had to squeeze through the crowds.

"What?" Joel asked with a smirk, seeing the look on your face.

"I was just thinking about when we used to work together," you told him, and he groaned, setting down a sandwich in front of you.

"Seems like a lifetime ago," he said, taking a bite of his food. "What made you think of that?"

"Just the way everyone moved out of your way," you told him, unwrapping your sandwich. "Everyone at the office was terrified of you."

"Not you," he said, catching your eye.

"You sure about that?" you teased, knowing he was referencing the intense conversation you both had in the conference room. He smiled, pleased you remembered that night.

"He apologized, by the way," you said, offering up the information he wanted, even though he refused to ask. He raised his eyebrows.

"I should be the one to apologize to him," he admitted, looking down.

"I kind of did that for you," you said, shrugging. "I just explained we had trouble trusting people. Besides, he's more than happy with the way things turned out."

You went on to tell Joel about Jake and Carrie, how they stared at each other and couldn't keep their hands off the other. When you told him how you walked in on the two of them at the clinic, he nearly choked on his sandwich, making you giggle.

"Goddamn, you had yourself a day, huh?" he said, leaning back in his chair and crumpling up the paper from his sandwich.

"Mhmm," you said, finishing your food. "From beginning to end," you said, giving him a look. His gaze grew heated as he thought about the kiss you shared last night, leaning forward on the table with his arms crossed.

"Thought about you a lot after I left," he said lowly, and your breath hitched in your throat.

"Oh, yeah?" you murmured, leaning onto the table, mimicking him. "What did you think about?"

"I don't think that answer's appropriate for a lady such as yourself to hear," he smirked, his pulse thudding in his neck at the direction the conversation was taking.

You hummed, flashing him a flirty smile as you inched your hand out across the table towards him.

"There are those southern manners again," you said, watching his hand reached towards yours, his fingertips lightly brushing against your own.

"Can't be helped, I'm afraid," he said, hooking a finger under one of your own.

"I can recall many times when those manners seemed to escape you, Mr. Miller," you said quietly, watching his eyes flicker at the formal title. "In fact, I remember you saying some very filthy things -"

Joel cut you off with a loud clearing of his throat. He subtly glanced around at the tables nearby, looking to see if anyone had been eavesdropping on your conversation before turning back to you.

"Why are you always rilin' me up in this building?" he asked you, giving your finger a tug with his own. You shrugged, leaning back with a giggle.

"Can't be helped, I'm afraid," you said, repeating his words back to him. "I guess I have a thing for tacky western decor."

He laughed, rubbing his face with his hand while his other remained hooked around your finger.

"This was nice," he said, dropping his hand to his lap.

"Yeah, it was," you said, shifting in your seat. "Do you have time to walk me back to work?"

"For you, I got all the time in the world," he replied. You rolled your eyes at the corny line, but you couldn't keep the smile from sneaking across your face.

Joel held the door open for you as you stepped out of the Tipsy Bison. You quirked an eyebrow at him as you exited, the corner of your mouth turning up into a half smile.

"Manners," he reminded you, bending his arm and offering you his elbow. You threw your head back and laughed at how far he was taking the joke, but you gave in and tucked your hand into the crook of his arm as he escorted you down the street towards the greenhouse.

"Maria mentioned this mornin' she was gonna have a small party for the town to celebrate the new neighborhood," he said, glancing at you out of the corner of his eye.

"Oh, that's a nice idea. It's been such a long winter and we are all sick of being cooped up in each other's houses, it'll be good to have a little fun."

"So, you'll go?" Joel asked, turning his face towards you now.

"Sure, I'll go," you said, squinting up at him, trying to see his face through the bright sunlight. He cleared his throat.

"Would you be my date?" he asked sheepishly. You stopped walking, already finding yourself standing in front of the greenhouse door.

"I'm not sure we've ever been on a date," you said with a smile.

"I'd consider this a date," he said, taking a step towards you.

"I suppose you're right," you agreed, watching his eyes drift to your mouth as you bit your lower lip.

"So, is that a 'yes'?" he asked, raising an arm up to lean against the side of the greenhouse.

"I'd love to," you told him, and he grinned. You leaned up, resting one hand on his shoulder for balance, and planted a chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth. He turned his head to try to capture your lips, but you had already released his shoulder and backed away.

"Don't want to rile you up," you said over your shoulder, pushing the door open and disappearing inside.

Over the next week, Joel fell into the habit of walking you to and from work every day, since he couldn't meet you for lunch as often as he would have liked. He ended up working through lunch, feeling the pressure to make sure the new neighborhood was ready for the party. It seemed like that's all anyone could talk about around town. The teachers at the school in town even had the kids make decorations. He was making mental notes about what still needed to be done in your house when you swung Maria's door open, greeting him with a warm smile.

"Good morning," you said softly, trying not to disturb Tommy and Maria as you shut the door behind you.

"Mornin'," Joel replied, his hand immediately finding yours at your side as he led you down the street.

"You excited for tonight?" you asked him, but he was distracted, still thinking about your house, wondering if he forgot anything. "Joel?" His tired eyes snapped up to yours, finally processing your question.

"Oh, yeah. Should be fun," he said.

"What's wrong?" you asked, frowning. He shook his head.

"Nothin', just a little anxious. Hopin' I didn't miss anythin'," he explained truthfully, just leaving out the part about your house.

"How have your panic attacks been?" you asked tentatively as you walked side by side.

"Good. Actually haven't had one in about a week," he said, looking down at you. "Wonder why that is."

You smiled and rubbed his arm with your free hand.

"That's good. I'm sure everything will go great, try not to worry too much."

You approached the greenhouse door all too soon, but before Joel could drop your hand, you gave him a small tug.

"I have something for you, do you have a second?" you asked, tilting your head towards the door.

"'Course I do," he said with a grin, and followed you inside, the humidity hitting him like a ton of bricks.

"Jesus, I forgot how warm it is in here," he said, shedding his coat and hanging it by the door next to yours, following you towards the small office in the back of the building.

"Alright, now I don't know how good it is, I was reading some books about how to make tea and I think I got it right. I was going to try some out myself first, but it sounds like you could use it now," you rambled, opening a drawer and rummaging around for a small bag, holding it out to him. He took it gently from your hand, inspecting the dried tea leaves closely.

"It's chamomile. It's supposed to help with anxiety," you explained as he still stared down at the bag in his hands. "I know you prefer coffee, but caffeine just makes anxiety worse so I thought maybe you could give this a try now and then."

He looked up at you now, his eyes round and filled with warmth.

"You did this for me?" he asked softly, and you nodded.

He stepped forward, crowding you against the small desk behind you, and dipped down, his lips slotting against yours. His free hand came up to cup your jaw gently, and your hands drifted to rest on his hips as you sighed against his mouth. His lips were soft and warm, pressing languidly against your own, pouring all the adoration he felt for you into it. The small room was already hot, but the intensity behind his kiss was making it even more so, feeling the sweat beading on the back of your neck. You flicked your tongue against his lips, and you felt him smile, opening his mouth to grant you access.

You slipped your tongue partially into his mouth, pulling a low groan from Joel's throat as his grip on your jaw tightened. His other hand flattened against the desk behind you, pushing you back and causing you to lift your hips so you could sit on the desktop. Joel took another step forward, pushing your knees apart so he could stand between your dangling legs while his tongue licked at the inside of your mouth.

You gasped and tipped your head back, breaking the kiss to catch your breath. He kept his hand firmly on your cheek as his mouth made its way down your jaw before latching onto your pulse point, sucking the skin there and leaving a mark.

"What if I said I also grew some lavender for you?" you whispered with your eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of his mouth on your skin. He growled against your throat.

"Then I'd say I don't deserve you, and I owe you one," he said as he made his way slowly down to your collarbone.

"Hmm, just one?" you asked breathlessly, rolling your head to the side, and he chuckled.

"As many as you want, sweetheart," he tugged at the collar of your shirt, exposing your shoulder. "Anything you want, I'll give it to you."

You opened your mouth to say all you wanted was him when a loud gasp interrupted you, your eyes snapping open to find Carrie at the doorway, her hand cupped over her mouth, stifling a giggle.

You pushed on Joel's shoulder, causing him to look up at you and follow your gaze.

"Oh, shit, sorry," Joel muttered, stepping away as he ran a hand through his hair.

"That's ok, I'd say we're even now," Carrie said, giving you a wink as Joel picked up the tea he had dropped on the desk behind you. Carrie moved to the side so Joel could exit the office.

"I'll see you tonight," he said, giving you a smirk before heading down the aisle of plants towards the door.

"Looks like you two finally worked things out," Carrie said, raising an eyebrow as she pulled the chair out from the corner of the room to take a seat, looking up at you still perched on the desk.

"Yeah," you said shyly, trying to keep the blush from spreading across your cheeks. "We've been taking it slow."

"That didn't look too slow to me," she teased, and you rolled your eyes, sliding down from the desk to pull on a pair of gloves.

"Come on, let's get going. I don't want to work late tonight, and we have a ton to do," you said, playfully kicking her chair.

"Right, the party. Should be fun!" she said, standing up to follow you over to the vegetables that needed to be harvested and delivered for the party that night.

"Alright, how do I look?" Maria asked as she stepped out of the bathroom. She was wearing a black knee length wrapped skirt with a red V-neck sleeveless blouse. She had just put the finishing touches on her makeup, deciding at the last minute to go with a red lip.

"Amazing!" you said excitedly after you popped your head out into the hallway from your bedroom. "I love red on you, it's definitely your color." She grinned and waved you off, embarrassed at your compliment.

"Are you ready?" she asked as she made her way down the hallway towards your door, fixing an earring as she walked.

"Pretty much," you said, taking one last look in the mirror. You couldn't remember the last time you wore a dress. You used to wear one almost every day at work, but you had been living in jeans for so long that putting the soft, light pink material on felt foreign.

You spun around and looked over your shoulder at the mirror, checking out the back of the dress, which plunged lower than you had expected. Maria gave you a low whistle from the door.

"You're gonna be cold tonight, but damn, it'll be worth it," she said, giving you a grin. "You look incredible." You laughed, thanking her and holding up a light sweater.

"That won't help your legs, but it's better than nothing. C'mon, they should be here any minute," Maria said, turning on her heel, heading into the kitchen. You draped the sweater over your arms and bent down to zip up the booties you had found when you heard a knock on the front door.

You quickly checked what little makeup you had on in the mirror as you heard Maria greet Tommy and Joel, calling out your name and telling you to hurry up. You flicked off the light and hurried into the kitchen.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming, hold your horses," you said as you walked into the room, your eyes immediately finding Joel. He was wearing a white thermal shirt tucked into a dark pair of jeans you didn't recognize, with a black untucked dress shirt left unbuttoned over the top.

"Hey," you said with a smile, leaning up to give him a quick peck on the cheek. You could feel how tense his muscles were when you rested your hand on his arm for balance. You leaned back and looked him in the eye, noticing his dark gaze.

"Are you alright?" you murmured to him as Maria fixed Tommy's collar, chatting quietly amongst themselves. "Don't be nervous, it will be fine."

"Not nervous," he said lowly, his eyes raking up and down your body. When you realized you mistook his lust for anxiety, you grinned.

"I wanted to look good for you," you said quietly, your eyes briefly checking in on Tommy and Maria to make sure they couldn't hear you.

"You look so fuckin' beautiful, sweetheart. Fuck, that dress is somethin' else," Joel rambled as his eyes darted all over your body.

"So much for those manners," you teased, but he ignored your joke, pinning you with a dark stare. "You don't look so bad yourself, you know."

He swallowed roughly as he took your dress in one more time, his eyes filled with need.

"You two ready?" Tommy asked, giving you a smile.

"Yep!" you said, grabbing Joel's hand and giving him a tug. "Come on," you urged, looking at him over your shoulder as you followed Tommy and Maria out the front door.

"Lead the way," he murmured, staring at your ass before falling in line next to you on the street.

It was beginning to get a little cold, but Joel's arm around you kept you warm as you made your way to the Tipsy Bison. You figured you would be inside most of the night, anyway, so hopefully the temperature wouldn't be a concern. Maria was chatting about what Seth was serving, the decorations made by the kids in town, and she made sure she had Joel's attention when she mentioned the ribbon cutting ceremony.

"Nah, you can do all that," Joel told her over the top of your head.

"Oh come on, Joel, we wouldn't have been able to do this without you!" Maria pleaded.

"Sure you woulda. You did the first wall before me," he pointed out, and she waved him off.

"Yeah, but it took us forever. You made this happen so much faster, and the town's grateful, Joel," Tommy added. "Just cut the damn ribbon and smile."

Joel grunted as he made his way up the steps to the bar, holding the door open for everyone, then slipped inside, wrapping his arm around your waist as he led you up to the bar.

Maria ended up abandoning you as she mingled with the rest of the town, dragging Tommy along with her. You hummed along to a familiar song blaring from the speakers while Joel ordered you both drinks. His finger traced an invisible pattern on the top of your hand, getting your attention so he could nudge the cold glass of vodka toward you. You picked it up, raising it in the air to clink against his whiskey.

"To Joel Miller, contactor extraordinaire," you said over the music, sipping from your drink. He smiled as he swallowed down a big gulp of his whiskey.

"You sure you're alright?" you asked him, not wanting to dampen the mood, but he seemed nervous.

"Yeah, I'm good," he assured you. His eyes traveled down to your dress, then back up to your face, realizing the perfect deflection was standing right in front of him. "You got me riled up again, is all. Gonna be a long night of tryin' to keep my hands to myself." You took another sip of your drink and leaned forward, closer to his ear.

"What if I didn't want you to keep your hands to yourself?"

He groaned, his hand coming up to rest on your waist.

"You heard 'em, I gotta cut the goddamn ribbon," he muttered as he stared down at you, his brown eyes darkening.

"Hm, that's true. Can't disappoint the town," you said, leaning back a bit to sip on your drink and glance around the room. You smiled as kids ran around playing tag, weaving through the throngs of people in the middle of the room where tables had been pushed to the side so there was room to dance. You spotted Maria across the room talking to an older couple, holding some papers and a marker in her hands, while Tommy stood dutifully beside her, looking bored.

"Ha, poor Tommy. Bet he can't wait til all the schmoozing is over so they can have a little fun," you said with a laugh. You looked back up to Joel and your smile slipped from your face. He hadn't looked away from you once while you had been people watching. His expression was serious, and it was clear something was weighing heavily on his mind.

"Alright, out with it, what's going on with you?" you pushed him with a frown. "I can tell something is wrong."

Just then, a slow song picked up over the speakers, and all the bodies surrounding you that were once loud and jovial turned quieter as people began to pair off to dance.

"Dance with me?" Joel asked, ignoring your question and holding his hand out. You resisted the urge to roll your eyes, knowing full well he was trying to distract you, but you gave in anyway, putting your drink on the bar and taking his hand. He led you out to the middle of the room and wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you close as he held your other hand gently to the side. You brought your free hand up to rest on his shoulder as you gazed up at him, taking a moment to appreciate how handsome he was in that moment, the string lights hanging above the bar illuminating his chiseled jaw and his perfect, crooked nose.

"You're right, you know," he said, looking down at you. "Somethin' is botherin' me."

You frowned, waiting for him to continue.

"These past few months gave me a lot of time to think 'bout what I did," he began, and you wondered why on earth he was bringing that up now. "And I didn't tell you this before 'cause you were goin' through your own stuff, and that was way more important."

He could feel your body slow down in his arms, but he encouraged you to keep dancing.

"But I was talkin' with Tommy, and I think maybe I got some kind of... PTSD from what happened to you in Kansas City. He said soliders he knew in the miliary got it all the time, said what I was feelin' sounded a lot like that." He avoided your gaze as he spoke, embarrassment creeping up, but he took a deep breath and pushed on.

"Anyway, it's no excuse for what I did to Jake that night, but I wanted to tell you. Maybe help you understand what was goin' through my head. I was just so fuckin' terrified of that happenin' to you again that I just saw red." He finally let himself look at you, your eyes glassy with unshed tears.

"Oh, Joel," you whispered, dropping your hand from his shoulder to wrap around his waist, pulling him tight against you as you rested your head on his chest. "I'm so sorry, I never even thought -"

"Shh, don't be sorry," he said, his lips pressed against the top of your head. "Nothin' to be sorry for. I didn't even realize it til recently. And I'm workin' on it, I swear."

"Can I do anything to help?" you asked, pulling back to look up at his face again.

"You already do help. Every day. Just by bein' you," he said, squeezing your hand. "Promise. I'm alright. I just wanted to explain myself."

You nodded and squeezed your eyes shut, resting your head against his chest again.

"Thank you for telling me," you said. "I'll help you work through it, just like you helped me."

"Thanks, sweetheart," he said, giving you a kiss on the top of your head as the song ended. He brushed his thumb along your jaw, tilting your head up to look at him. "Now, let's have a fun night, ok?"

You nodded, giving him a small smile as he led you back to your waiting drinks at the bar.

Joel had just ordered you both your second round when Maria turned the music off to get everyone's attention.

"Hope everyone's having a good time tonight!" Maria shouted, which was followed by a chorus of cheers.

"I figured before you all got too drunk, we should get to the main event of the evening," she said, a chuckle rippling through the crowd. "I've got everyone's house assignments right here, but if you all want to head outside first, the kids made a very impressive ribbon for us to cut to mark the special occasion."

Maria gestured toward the door and people began to slowly file out. You dragged Joel behind you, feeling his hesitancy with each step. You tightened your sweater around your shoulders once the cool night air hit you. Joel's arm came up to wrap around you, keeping you warm.

"Maria was right," you muttered to him as you found a spot in the crowd, waiting for her to continue. "This dress is too short." He groaned.

"Don't talk about that right now, I'm about to walk up there in front of everyone," he warned, shifting his weight and keeping his eyes trained straight ahead. You giggled and leaned into his arm.

"Sorry," you whispered.

Once Maria quieted down the crowd, she gave a brief speech about Jackson and how proud she was of the community.

"Every single person in this town had a hand in building what we have here today: a safe, quaint place to live in peace and harmony. And when I say "building", I mean it quite literally when I'm referring to Joel Miller."

Maria reached out an arm towards Joel as he gave a shy wave. The town turned to applaud him, and his grip on your shoulder tightened a fraction.

"Without Joel's help, we wouldn't be looking at expanding to this neighborhood as quickly as we are tonight. Which is why I asked him to come up to cut the ribbon and help usher in a new era for Jackson."

"Go on," you said, giving him a small shove forward as the town smiled and clapped for him. He made his way to the front of the crowd, a few of the men patting him on the back as he went. You watched with your arms wrapped around your body as Joel picked up the gardening shears. He turned to face the town, the shears open and hovering over the ribbon.

"Welcome home," he said, his eyes finding yours. With a smile, he snapped the shears and the ribbon fell, followed by a cheer from the crowd.

"A man of few words," you murmured against his mouth when he made his way back to you, planting a quick kiss to your lips. He shrugged off the black dress shirt he was wearing over his thermal and wrapped it around your shoulders.

"C'mon, I got somethin' to show you," he said, pulling you away from the crowd surrounding Maria, who was giving out house numbers to people waiting in line.

"You know, I've never even explored this part of town before. It's huge," you said, your eyes taking in the wall surrounding the new street. A few families had made their way down already, entering their new homes with squeals of excitement.

"Yeah, hopin' I won't have to build another damn wall for a while," he said, tugging gently on your hand as he rounded a corner.

"Well, wait a minute, I wanted to see the rest of the street first," you protested, looking behind you. But then Joel came to an abrupt stop, making you stumble. You gave him a confused look and followed his gaze, your jaw dropping.

You blinked rapidly a few times, wondering if what you were seeing was real. There before you stood a white two-story house with a wraparound porch, a red door and blue shutters.

The style of the house was different, of course, but you instantly made the connection to the house you stayed at in Hidden Springs. You let your hand slowly drop from his grip as you stared, slack jawed, at the house, taking in every little feature as you stood stock-still on the street.

Joel watched you nervously, his heart thudding in his chest, waiting for your reaction. When a few minutes went by without you saying anything, he cleared his throat.

"It's yours," he said, and you finally turned your head to face him, your expression unreadable. His gaze darted nervously between your eyes, and he swallowed.

"What do you think?"

You looked back at the house to make sure it was still there, like you couldn't believe your eyes.

"Did you... build this porch?" you asked softly.

"Yeah. Well, that part and over there where it wraps around." He nervously rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes never leaving you.

"Wow," you whispered, shaking your head.

"C'mon, sweetheart, talk to me," he begged, and you dragged your eyes away from the house once more to look at him.

"I love it," you said simply, tears welling in your eyes now as relief washed over him. "I can't believe... it looks so much like the other one," you said, a tear falling down your cheek.

"Well, I made you a promise, and I know how much you wanted to stay in that house," he reached out a hand to brush your tear away with his thumb. Your hand came up to cover his against your face as you looked up into his eyes. You were so overwhelmed with happiness that the tears began to flow steady now.

"This is our home, Joel," you told him tearfully. He smiled, still wiping the tears from your cheeks.

"'Our'?" he repeated hopefully. You nodded, and he leaned down to press a kiss against your lips, his hand sliding back from your cheek, getting tangled in your hair before he pulled away.

"C'mon, I'll show you inside," he said, his hand falling to grasp yours as he led you up the porch steps, your head swiveling around as you walked so you could take in every detail up close.

Joel walked you through the house, pointing out the changes he made as he went, explaining how he knocked out a wall to open up the kitchen and let in more light. You watched him while he spoke, his eyes sparkled with excitement and pride. You could tell he had given this house a lot of thought and time, and it finally occurred to you what was making him so nervous this week. Looking around, you wondered how he could ever think you wouldn't love this place.

He was in the middle of explaining an idea he had to make the pantry bigger when you cut him off.

"Why don't you show me upstairs?" you asked, squeezing his hand as you took a step backwards.

"Sure, okay," he said, his eyebrows raised as you led him to the stairs. Once you got to the top, you turned to him expectantly, and he cleared his throat.

"Well, this house isn't as big as the other one, but you still got an extra room at the end of the hall," he pointed towards a door down on the left. "And this is the master," he said, pushing open the door behind you that was left ajar. He led you inside and flicked the light on by the bed.

"You got a bathroom and a decent sized closet. Again, not as big, but if you need the extra space, maybe you can use the spare bedroom."

"We," you said, correcting him. He nodded slowly, his gaze dropping from your eyes to your mouth.

"We," he confirmed, finally taking a step forward and grabbing your face in both hands, hungrily devouring your mouth with his while your hands raked up his back, pulling him closer. You could feel the desperation and heat rolling off him as his tongue swirled around yours, walking you backwards towards the bed. He pushed his shirt from your shoulders, letting it fall to the floor before breaking the kiss. You sat on the mattress and crawled backwards up the bed, your eyes never leaving his while he watched you, his lips parted.

"C'mere," you said impatiently, your head resting on the pillow.

"Just takin' a minute," he said, his eyes dark as he swallowed roughly. "Been waitin' a long time for this."

You sat up and reached behind you, tugging at the zipper of the dress, but he stopped you.

"Leave it on," he said gruffly, finally leaning forward and crawling up the bed, pushing you back down with his body. His mouth latched onto your neck as his hand slid up your thigh, under your dress, and squeezed at the meaty part of your hip. You moaned softly under him, your hands coming up to rake through his hair.

"Joel," you whimpered, lifting your hips up greedily towards him. He seemed to understand since he hooked his fingers around your underwear, giving them a quick yank. He pulled them from your ankles and dangled them between you, shaking his head.

"You might've ruined these pretty little panties of yours," he murmured, showing you the soaked fabric before he shoved them in the back pocket of his jeans. All you could manage to do was watch him with half closed eyes, your chest heaving as you waited for his touch.

He ran both hands up your legs, resting them temporarily on the inside of your thighs before flattening your legs with his palms, exposing your aching center to the cool air. You gripped the pillow behind your head when he ran his thumb up the length of your seam, drawing out a low moan from your throat.

"Shit," he hissed when he felt the pool of arousal waiting for him. He ran his thumb down again, dipping inside briefly to collect some of the wetness there, then dragged it up to your swollen clit, circling slowly, his open palm pressed against your thigh.

You slid your eyes closed and rolled your head to the side with a sigh while his thumb continued its pace. You yearned for his hands for so long that even the smallest touch was setting your nerves on fire.

He watched your face closely, reading the cues he had come to know so well.

You let out a frustrated whine and arched your back, your eyes opening to lock onto his.

"I know, sweetheart, I got you," he said lowly, turning his hand so he could push a finger inside you while his thumb remained pressed on your clit. He always knew exactly what you needed with every sound you made and every thrust of your hips. You cursed and tipped your head back as he pumped his finger inside a few times before adding a second. You rewarded him with a delicious gasp, your hips rocking against his hand. He smirked, his free hand grasping the side of your hip, helping you move against him.

"That's it, c'mon," he said, his gaze dark and transfixed on your face as he watched you come undone. Your breaths were becoming ragged, your jaw slack. He could tell you were close. He pumped his fingers faster, burying them all the way to his knuckles, and applied a firmer pressure to your clit, wiggling his thumb back and forth now in lieu of circles.

"Fuck! Joel, please," you cried out, your eyes squeezed shut as you gasped for air.

"Look at me," he grunted, still rocking your hip up and down on his hand. Your eyes flew open and locked onto him, his pupils blown wide with lust as he watched you.

"That's right, eyes on me," he panted. He saw the flush creeping up your chest and neck as you bit down on your lip. "No need to be shy, now. It's just us."

He curled his fingers inside you and your jaw dropped back open, but your eyes remained on him. He felt your muscles tighten around his fingers and the corners of his mouth twitched.

"Let go for me," he told you, his pace relentless, and you moaned. "C'mon, I know you're close, aren't you? Fuck, been wantin' to do this since the moment I saw you in this little dress. Come all over my fingers, then I'm gonna make you come again on my cock, d’you understand?"

"Fuck, Joel, ohmygod!" you cried, his words doing you in as your walls clamped down around his fingers and your back arched off the bed. He loosened his grasp on your hip, rubbing the skin there gently to make sure he didn't hurt you as his fingers and thumb slowed down.

"Good girl," he murmured, removing his thumb from your clit before you became overly sensitive, but he gave you a few more slow thrusts with his fingers before sliding them out.  You watched lazily as he popped his fingers in his mouth, cleaning them off before he leaned down to slip his tongue inside your mouth to give you a taste.

"Take this off now," he commanded, pulling gently at the top of your dress. You immediately sat up and fumbled with the zipper, his strong hand sliding down your exposed back to help pull it down. You shrugged the top of the dress down, exposing your naked chest, and lifted your hips so he could pull it down your legs. He kneeled next to you on the bed, panting, as he took in your naked form.

"Your turn," you told him, yanking at the waistband of his jeans. He blinked, then untucked his thermal shirt before lifting it over his head and tossing it on the floor. He quickly unbuckled his belt, his eyes never leaving your body, and pushed his jeans and boxers off, crawling back between your legs and hovering over you.

"Tell me what you want," he whispered, nipping at your jaw while he slowly thrusted his hips, dragging his leaking cock over your stomach, desperate to feel your skin.

"I want you, Joel," you whimpered. You felt him smile, then his face dipped lower, leaving a trail of kisses down your neck and chest until he reached your nipple, sucking it into his mouth. You gasped, arching your back to push your breasts into him further while his hand pinched your other nipple. You felt his teeth graze your skin gently before he released, moving over to give the other one the same attention.

"Joel," you gasped, squirming underneath him. He ignored you, still lavishing attention on your tits, so you tried a different approach.

"Baby, please, I want you to fuck me," you murmured. The combination of your pet name for him and your request made him growl, his mouth abandoning your chest. His hand gripped your jaw, holding your mouth open as his tongue darted inside your mouth hungrily, playfully biting your lower lip when he pulled away and released your jaw.

"Since you asked so nicely," he said, running his nose alongside yours affectionately as he reached down between you both, lining the tip of his cock up with your entrance, then brought his arm back up to rest next to your head.

"You alright?" he asked softly as he felt your body tense in anticipation, searching your eyes while tracing a finger down your cheek. You nodded, bringing your hands up to wrap around each of his shoulders, spreading your legs wider.

He lightly brushed his lips against yours as he slowly pressed himself inside you. You exhaled harshly at the sensation, enjoying the slight sting as he kept pushing his cock into you. He released a strangled groan once he bottomed out, dropping his forehead against your shoulder and squeezing his eyes shut.

"Oh, fuck, I missed that," he gasped against your skin, and you hummed in response, rotating your hips a bit as you adjusted to his size.

"Me too," you whispered as you felt yourself relax around him. He took a breath, then began to rock his hips gently, languidly dragging his cock in and out of you while he peppered small kisses along your collarbone. You tilted your head to the side to give him better access, your eyes sliding shut, focusing on how perfectly he fit inside you.

"Tell me how it feels," he mumbled against your neck, his hips keeping their slow, gentle pace.

"Good," you told him. "You always feel so good," you sighed, a lazy smirk spilling across his face.

"You know you won't break me, right?" you teased, and he shook his head.

"I know, just not in any rush. Wanna take my time, wanna feel you," he said with a groan, then slowed to a stop. He pushed himself up by his hands, hovering over you, a layer of sweat already coating his chest and neck.

You let out a pathetic whine at the loss of contact, staring up at him with a confused look.

He didn't say a word, just stared deep into your eyes for a moment before snapping his hips once into you, making you squeak.

"You want it like that?" he asked you, snapping his hips again, eliciting the same response. Your hands gripped the sheets as he looked down at you, his eyes dark. He did it a third time, leaving you panting as you stared up at him.

"Don't worry, sweetheart, I know what you like," he said softly, his hands traveling to your sides as he shifted his weight to his knees. He rolled his hips against you roughly, pulling your own hips into him. You let out an appreciative groan and your eyes fluttered shut once his coarse hair made contact with your clit.

"There we go," he said, watching your reaction as he continued. "How's that? This what you need?"

"Yes," you gasped, his grip on you tightening. "Fuck, yes, Joel," you moaned, tipping your head back as he picked up the pace, still rolling his hips perfectly into you.

"You're so fuckin' beautiful like this," he grunted. "Always take my cock so well."

You moaned at the praise, goosebumps prickling your skin as you felt your second orgasm building.

"More," you whimpered, looking back up at him now. His neck was red and splotchy, and his eyes burned with desire.

"More what, sweetheart?" he croaked, still rolling himself in and out of you at the same steady pace. "Use your words, tell me."

"Deeper," you gasped. "I want your cock deeper and faster. Please."

At hearing your words, he groaned, falling forward on his hands again but quickly hooked his fingers under one of your knees and pressed it as far back against your chest as he could.

He leaned forward, sinking himself impossibly deeper into you, making you cry out from the intense angle.

"How's that feel?" he asked again, thrusting into you much faster now.

"Full," you choked out, barely able to string a sentence together. "So full, don't stop, please don't stop."

"Wouldn't dream of it," he told you, panting for air as he kept up the brutal pace. He leaned down further to scrape his teeth against your jaw before planting a bruising kiss on your lips, muffling your sounds.

He felt your walls clenching around him, his groan lost in the sea of your cries as you babbled his name mixed with curses. Your hands came up to his arms and you dug your fingers into his muscles.

"Joel," you whined, your eyes flicking to his, trying to silently communicate what you needed.

"I got you," he said. He withheld his usual demand to 'use your words', and instead brought his hand between your bodies. He found your clit, pressing quick, firm circles as he watched your face closely. When he saw your eyebrows pinch together, he switched from circles to rubbing his finger back and forth on your bundle of nerves, drawing out another orgasm from you almost instantly.

"That's it, that's my girl. Fuck, you're so pretty when you come. Look at you, so perfect."

"Joel!" You wailed, arching your back. Your nails most certainly leaving marks on his arms as you dug them in harder, gasping for breath as you came back down to earth. His hand slowed before he removed it entirely, placing it back down on the bed next to you.

"You feel so good, comin' on my cock like that," he gritted out, your mind hazy as he chased his release.

He had pushed your knee back so your leg was straight, so you wrapped both your legs around his waist, pulling him into you as close as you could.

"You always make me feel so good, baby," you murmured, your hands reaching up to his hair. His thrusts were becoming sloppy as you gently scraped your nails against his scalp, making him whimper.

"No one's ever made me feel this good, did you know that?" you asked, bringing him to the edge with your voice. He shook his head, then let his forehead drop to your shoulder as his hips began to stutter. Your cunt was growing sore now from the overstimulation, but you ignored it.

"I've never felt this way about anybody before," you continued, whispering into his ear, and he bit down gently on your neck.

"Give it to me," you said, louder now. "Come for me, Joel."

A deep groan rumbled from his chest, and as if he was waiting for your permission, quickly pulled out, spilling his warm spend all over your stomach.

"Oh, fuck," he gasped, his features slack as he watched the last of his cum shoot out across your skin. He looked up at you, both panting for air and covered in sweat.

"Fuck," he repeated, leaning back and running a hand through his hair, eyes drifting to your stomach again.

He resisted the urge to collapse next to you, afraid if he did, he would never get back up. Instead, he pushed himself off the bed and into the bathroom. Your head rolled lazily to the side as you watched him fumble around in the linen closet to find a washcloth, dampening it at the sink before returning to you.

He leaned over the side of the bed and gently cleaned you up, then used the washcloth on himself before tossing it over the side of the tub and coming back to bed, flopping down naked next to you.

"I don't have any of my things here," you said, staring at the ceiling.

"I'll get your stuff in the mornin'," he said hoarsely, draping an arm around your waist and pulling you into him. "You ain't goin' anywhere tonight."

You giggled as you pulled at the sheets, tossing them haphazardly over you both before leaning back into his embrace.

When you woke the next morning, the first thing you thought of was warm. You were so unbelievably warm, Joel's body like a furnace against you, never letting you go throughout the night. You could feel his deep breaths against your neck, telling you he was still fast asleep. Your eyes flickered to the window, trying to judge the time based on how light it was outside. You figured it was pretty early. Unfortunately, the urge to pee was not allowing you to stay tucked into bed much longer, so you slowly and carefully extracted yourself from Joel's arms, shoving your pillow next to him instead, then tiptoed to the bathroom, scooping up his boxers and black dress shirt along the way.

The second thought that hit you once you stood was sore. Deliciously sore from last night. And when you stood in front of the mirror to button up Joel's shirt, you noticed bite marks left all over your shoulder and collarbone, the sight making you bite down on your lip. You didn't want to admit it, but there was something undeniably sexy about the way he left his mark on you.

You cracked the bathroom door open and peered out, finding Joel exactly where you left him. You were too awake and too excited to finally be in your own house, so you slipped out the bedroom door and headed downstairs.

You wandered aimlessly around your kitchen, opening the mostly empty cupboards and drawers until you found a lone can of ground coffee stored right above the coffee maker. You pulled the can down and scooped the grounds into the filter, filling up the reservoir with water and hitting the button to brew. In the pantry you found an old sleeve of disposable paper cups, so you grabbed two and set them on the counter.

As you waited for the coffee to finish, you looked around the living room, reading a few titles of books left behind on bookshelves before leaning against the window frame, looking out onto the quiet street. You smiled when you noticed the swing at the end of the porch, and at the same time you heard the coffee finish brewing.

You poured a cup of coffee and then snatched a blanket from the back of the couch as you headed out the front door, quietly closing it behind you. You shivered at the cool morning air; your legs still bare. You sat down on the wooden swing and draped the soft blanket over you, holding the coffee in your hands to help warm you up.

The street was quiet, the town most likely all recovering from the night before. You took a few sips of coffee, wincing when it burned your tongue. It only took about fifteen minutes before you saw movement through the living room window. Joel stepped out of the front door and rounded the corner in his jeans and thermal from the night before, holding his own cup of coffee.

"May I join you?" he asked with a grin, which you returned, and scooted down on the swing to make room.

He slung his arm over the back of the swing, and you leaned against his chest, breathing in his scent mixed with the early morning dew.

"What are you thinkin' about?" he asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

"I was just thinking about this one time in the woods, after we had to leave the other house, we sat against a tree just like this drinking coffee. Do you remember?"

"The day we first said 'I love you'," he said immediately, and your eyes shot up to his in surprise. "What? I remember things," he said defensively, and you laughed.

"Well, I remember wishing we were on the porch at the old house drinking coffee instead of in the middle of the woods, fighting for our lives," you told him, his hand moving from the back of the swing to squeeze your shoulder.

"And now?" he asked you, his eyes sparkling.

"And now you've made that wish come true," you said, gazing at him adoringly.

"Thank you," you whispered, nuzzling your face against his chest. He rubbed your arm affectionately and sipped his coffee.

"Anythin' for you, sweetheart," he said, leaning back into the swing as he watched a few people slowly begin to emerge from their houses and trudge down the street.

Contentment washed over you as he held you against him on the porch he built for you, in the town he fought like hell to get you to, and living the life he promised you as you watched the sun rise together, welcoming the next phase of your lives.

Epilogue

Tag List: @chiogarza, @sparklejumpropequeen-777, @shotgun-shelby @partyofone3413 @nana90azevedo @ninaminaromina

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read, like, reblog, comment, follow .... basically anything! It makes me so happy that anyone even took a chance to read this, I started this story thinking it was just going to be for me to read, and I am beyond happy so many of you like it, as well. I really hope I did these characters justice for you! And I do plan on writing a little Epilogue (hint: Yellowstone) and some one-shots in the future!

Again, thank you so much!

[whateverisbeautiful]

♥️Reveling in Richonne - TOWL

#32: The Safety (1.04)

gif cred: @riickgrimes

It was very clear up to this point in TOWL that Rick hadn't felt alive in years. But in this next scene, we learn that Michonne hadn't truly been feeling safe in years. And why? Because the only time she feels safe is with Rick Grimes. 😭

Danai wrote and delivered a line that moved me, broke me, and healed me all at the same and I have so many thoughts on it because I appreciate it so much 🥲...

So inside the gym, Rick lets Michonne know that the CRM took out the helicopter because they always destroy any evidence that they exist. Then he acknowledges that the whole building is buckling but Michonne is preoccupied with something that’s caught her attention.

When she doesn’t respond to him, Rick says, "Michonne?" and she takes hold of a note left behind by a deceased innovator, Lakshmi Patel. Michonne starts to read it aloud and it explains that this place consisted of like-minded innovators trying to live off the grid and create a new, sustained, and hopeful future.

Patel clearly lost hope in that vision saying that their motto of ‘progress and redemption through innovation’ is now like a sick joke. It’s interesting the letter then says, “I can’t face how much I have failed everyone” because that connects to something Rick feels, especially since when he chose to die he believed he died a failure.

Patel says she can’t continue to watch their mission die and apologizes. Meanwhile, Rick reads a much-needed message on the wall that says “Trust in your ability to adapt and overcome. Your past doesn’t define you.” And he def needs to hear that. 

gif cred: @clonecaptains

Michonne concludes reading the letter as Patel expresses her hope to be remembered as someone who refused to leave the world the same way she found it. And then Michonne gives a sad look at the body beside the letter seeing the somber fate of Patel. 

Michonne knows there are some connections to be drawn between this letter and Rick so she notes how it tends to not work out and fall apart when people try to save the world their own way. And just to make it extra clear she’s talking about Rick she says, “Sound familiar?”

(Side note: I like how she stays having one side of her shirt hanging off her shoulder. There’s something casual and comfortable about it plus it’s sorta like she’s trying to get Rick to realize the shirts already hanging off and he can take the rest off if he gets it together lol) 

Michonne says, “It’s just like this place. They thought they knew it all.” And then because these two can’t resist throwing some jabs in their arguments this ep she adds, “Oh except the killing of innocent people. Except that part.”

Also, I like the framing with a literal barrier between Rick and Michonne that paints the picture of the figurative barriers between them as well. Then Rick sounds the most CRM-ish he’s ever sounded when he responds saying, “The city stands.” Had me like...

And Michonne felt the same because the way she sighs - she’s so over this Commando front Rick is putting on. What happened to 'this isn’t my city'? I miss that energy.

And then Rick says, “And I’ll stop the killing. I’ll find a way.” He's so prepared to just burden himself with this mission. And Michonne challenges that, mentioning just like Patel thought she’d find a way...and we see how that worked out for her. 

Rick says, “You still don’t understand.” And the reason Michonne 'doesn’t understand' this is because it’s not the actual root of why Rick won’t go home. She can’t be fooled. And what Michonne does understand is that what Rick is proposing to do is basically, “Signing up for lifelong duty to the enemy.” But Rick rebuts that, “This is about ending the enemy.”

I love that Michonne is quick to respond saying, “This is not you, Rick.” She keeps trying to emphasize this because she knows him deeply and she knows this is not him being anywhere near his true self.

It's really fascinating to see this scenario play out where Rick has lost himself and is now back with the one person who knows him better than he knows himself, who can continually and accurately remind him that this version of him is not really him.

gif cred: @riickgrimes

But Rick thinks there are some aspects of this version of him that are authentic as he says, “This isn’t me how? That I would give everything - my hand - my life for you. That’s not me?”

gif cred: @riickgrimes

And I do love hearing Rick basically say I would give absolutely everything for you and how that's him to his core. And it is him, but also a healthy Rick would be fighting to be with her too, not just die for her.

gif cred: @riickgrimes

As Rick makes his way over to her side of the barrier he yells, “This is what I need to do to keep you safe!” Safety has understandably been such a huge priority for Rick to provide since the very beginning of TWD. And when he yells this I can hear this fear in his voice that he genuinely doesn’t think there’s another way to keep her safe than the one he’s taking.

I appreciate how passionate Rick feels about keeping her safe but also…the tone of it just needed to come down a few notches because no one should be yelling at Michonne. 👌🏽

Also, this made me think about how in the season 4 finale, Rick tells Daryl “I want to keep him safe. That’s all that matters” regarding protecting Carl after the horrible night with the Claimers. Keeping his family safe is such a driving force of Rick's character and he feels the same intense devotion to protecting Michonne as he yells that he has to stay with the CRM to keep her safe.

Her safety is all that matters to him rn and he’ll do anything to preserve it. But that’s why it’s such a perfect and impactful gut punch for Michonne to then reveal where her true source of safety comes from in this scene.

gif cred: @riickgrimes

Despite Rick's more ramped-up energy, Michonne, like she so often had done in the main show, (with that bullet moment from Clear being top of mind) approaches Rick's antsy energy with this arresting calm and beautiful vulnerability as she just melts my heart by softly telling Rick....

“The only time I feel safe is when I’m with you.”

gif cred: @figmentof

Y’all…😭😭😭 Perfection. I love it so much and it’s truly my favorite thing she’s ever told him. 😍

Before I started writing these TOWL posts I knew two lines were basically going to need a whole post dedicated to the line alone and it’s this one here from Michonne and another line from Rick in episode 5 that we’ll talk about later. There’s just so much to unpack with Michonne telling Rick that the only time she feels safe is with him. It makes total sense.

I had made a post right after episode 4 that incorporated TWD gifs of all the moments where it was evident Michonne got her safety from Rick. And I just think it’s the sweetest thing on the planet to know that in this dangerous world, the one thing that most made Michonne feel like it’s gonna be okay is Rick. 🥹 I once saw someone say Michonne makes Rick strong and Rick makes Michonne safe and I love that. Gospel truth. 💯

It’s such a big deal too because Michonne is an incredibly strong, competent, independent woman who many look at and quickly assume she can just fearlessly protect herself. And while she can protect herself, Michonne has always had so many layers to her so she’s also vulnerable and needs to feel safe and reassured from something outside of herself too. And I love that she knows she found that in Rick. 🥹

gif cred: @coolpartytimefan

Then the utter pain comes in when you realize this means for almost eight years Michonne hasn’t truly felt safe. She’s had to gracefully balance the responsibilities, fears, and expectations of motherhood and leadership as well as establish security for others and some semblance of security for herself, all without the personal safe space of her husband to turn to. It breaks me. 😥

And this is another reason I’m glad TOWL gave Rick and Michonne this space to be not just fighters, community leaders, or parents, but a husband and wife trying to find each other and themselves again.

Also, I love that she says 'the only time.' Like genuinely she’s either safe with him or not really feeling safe at all. And I feel like that’s also clear in her TWD scenes post-Rick with all the ways Michonne would cling to Rick's memory through various items. It's like she was trying to garner some sense of comfort again from the only person she ever completely let her guard down and trusted she’ll be safe with.

I remember I received a message a few months ago that touched on if I'd explore when Michonne seemed to realize that she only felt safe with Rick in TWD, how it impacted her actions, and what that evolving journey of safety with him looked like. It took me a minute to get to, but I said I would definitely talk about it, and so I want to break that all down now, right here. ⬇😊

When it comes to Michonne and her safety becoming tied to Rick. I think it happened before she knew it happened. 👌🏽

Now of course in season 3, Rick and Michonne are strangers so it doesn't happen this season. But it does seem like Michonne's inherent safety with Rick started at least budding even this early.

I especially think this because of that beloved scene in Clear where she tells Rick about talking to her dead boyfriend. That’s a very personal and vulnerable thing to share, especially from someone who didn’t even tell Andrea much about herself when traveling with her for months. (Which was a smart move considering the way Andrea stayed gossiping 🙂)

To me, it shows that somehow Michonne felt safe enough with Rick to open up about herself - I think because she recognized that she and him have qualities inside of them that are uniquely similar.

And then at the end of season 3 when Rick comes real close to delivering her to the Governor she still comes back and shows grace, trusting that she could return and be safe with them. But again I don’t think it’s season 3 where her safety is tied to Rick yet.

I think that comes in season 4.

However, not 4A just yet because I think in the first half of season 4 Michonne is absolutely starting to feel more safe and comfortable with Rick but that in itself feels unsafe to her at the time. Which is why she keeps herself at a warm distance from him.

I never lose sight of Michonne’s backstory when thinking about what’s made the character who she is because it’s so important. I know the show sorta put her losing a son and boyfriend in the background but for me it always informs so much about her, in the early seasons especially. And that’s such a traumatizing thing she had to go through and so you just know that it’s probably a lot to now be growing closer and closer to this man and his son at the prison knowing how things turned out for the man and child she lost at that refugee camp.

Michonne clearly really likes Rick and Carl in 4A but letting them in close after knowing profound loss is a bit of a fear for her so instead she’d always find ways to keep Rick at a friendly distance and stay out and about, of course for other motives like tracking down the Governor but also to run from the potential “danger” of being hurt again if she lets Rick become a safe space for her like he’s so naturally becoming. 

...But then the prison falls and so too do some of the walls around Michonne’s heart.

She tries to go back to her isolated ways after the prison but she can’t. She’s found family in those Grimes boys and she knows it and so even if she doesn’t know where those footsteps lead in After she knows she has to follow the call of her heart to be apart of something again.

In a heartbreaking scene in After (4.09), Michonne talks to Mike one more time, vulnerably saying she misses him and even saying she missed him while he was still here. It made me think how Michonne had probably also been keeping her distance from Rick out of a sense of loyalty to Mike. Just like Rick wrestled with feeling like he needed to be solely grieving Lori all the while falling hard for the katana-wielding woman that’s entered his life, I think Michonne also was subconsciously wrestling with feeling this intrinsic connection to Rick so soon after losing her family.

I really feel like Rick and Michonne’s immense sense of loyalty played a part in their slow burn being slow despite catching feelings for each other so quickly. Because while both of their former partners weren’t their person, they still weren’t just going to give up on them or abandon the memory of them, it’s not who Rick and Michonne are - they’re both loyal to the core, even to partners who weren’t loyal to them.

In some ways it seems like Mike might have stopped being able to understand Michonne, figuratively disappearing on her and giving up while she kept fighting, similar to how Lori just couldn’t understand Rick. But then Michonne and Rick met each other and felt exceptionally seen, known, heard, loved, and safe in ways that probably even surprised them towards the beginning of their bond. They finally found someone who could love them as loyally as they love, which is part of why of course their love can never be stopped or denied, not even by each other.

I think about how in season 3 Lori tells Rick he’s not a killer. But the thing is that killer is a part of him. It's not all of him but it is in him as we saw him really confronted with that side of himself at the end of season 4.

What’s beautiful about Rick's relationship with Michonne is she knows he’s a killer, even verbalizing that outright to Merle early in season 3, and she doesn’t have to deny it or change it to love him. Michonne gets that it’s in Rick and respects that as one of the many parts of him she respects and understands, not just from the outside looking in but personally. Basically, Rick and Michonne are each other's match in all the ways.

So in a beautiful act of resilience, Michonne fights the fear of being close to people again when she finds Rick and Carl in that house. And she truly embraces them as hers from here on out.

And I think here in this wonderful 4.09 moment when she finds Rick and Carl in that house is when Michonne more readily embraces that she feels most safe with Rick. 

In Claimed (4.11), I think we start seeing more visibly how Michonne's safety is tied to Rick and how she subconsciously senses it. In that home, both Rick and Michonne express that they need each other and are willing to possibly make a home with the two of them and Carl. An unspoken agreement that they're forever family now.

One of the many interesting things about that scene between Rick and Michonne in Claimed is that Michonne says she’s done taking breaks. But she wasn’t necessarily leaving the prison to take breaks, she was going on runs and hunting down the Governor. However, phrasing it as 'breaks' could imply that part of her constant trips away from the prison was her leaving to run from how close she was becoming to Rick and Carl - to “take a break” from becoming reintegrated into a family after the tragic aftermath of her last family turned her into a lone wolf.

But I love that when she said she’s done taking breaks she meant that and lived up to it. And then in each 4B scene, we see more and more how Michonne starts to draw closer to the Grimes boys and feel safe enough to be herself with Rick.

Rick gets to see Michonne's playful side with Carl, he wants to include her in family hunting excursions, they like talking to each other and smiling over dinner, and they both often check in on each other to make sure they’re taken care of.

By the end of season 4 when Michonne knows she’s okay because Rick's okay, I think she's now cognizant that she feels safe with Rick in a way that’s different than anything & anyone else. And truly how beautiful is it that in a world where safety is a true rarity, Michonne found that so fully in Rick. 🥹

Also, as I've detailed in many a post, this is also the point where I believe she's subconsciously fallen in love with him. 🥰

And where Rick’s previous wife and his former best friend/sheriff's deputy doubted his ability to keep people safe, Michonne trusts Rick wholeheartedly as a good man capable of protecting his family against anything. 

That's one of the great things about rewatching TWD Seasons 1 & 2. Those early seasons make it so clear that Michonne is a love Rick has never experienced before. We don’t just feel like their love is different we get to see it in how much more Michonne loves, respects, understands, believes in, and just all and all likes Rick as opposed to his former wife and best friend.

Last year I wrote a whole reflecting on richonne post about how Michonne and Rick rarely ever split up in TWD and were always paired up for most things. It was proof of their magnetism, trust, fondness for one another, and love.

But I like how now Rick and Michonne never splitting up in TWD is also such a clear sign of the safety they brought each other. And in season 5, that’s especially clear because they really are side by side through so much that season.

I think about when Michonne put her hand on Ricks before they entered Alexandria and how that was her way of offering comfort to him while also being comforted by his presence too. Just like Rick, a large reason she felt safe enough to walk out of that car and approach those ASZ gates after everything they’d been through is because she had Rick by her side.🥲 

The one time they’re not operating side by side with Rick hiding the gun plot from her, they both feel so weighed down by having anything come between them, and they're eager to repair the distance by the end of the season.

Michonne had felt both asleep and restless when they arrived at ASZ and part of it is because her source of safety was sorta losing his mind. When Rick begins his return to sanity - and Michonne really is a core source of sanity for him - we see a sense of safety return to Michonne as well as she declares she’ll always be with him.

I always adored that s5 'I’m still with you moment' and I love it even more now knowing that part of why she so confidently knows she’ll be with him no matter what is because Rick is who she feels safest with. 😭

In 6A all of Richonne's scenes continue to solidify that Michonne feels most safe with Rick. And when Rick goes out into the horde in NWO Michonne full-on panics because he’s doing something unsafe and her own safety just evaporates as she expresses a rare moment of disarray. 

And then in 6B we get to see a more personal and intimate way that Michonne feels safe with Rick. Even just walking around more stripped down in a robe and towel shows he’s made her feel super comfortable.

The heightened safety she feels with Rick is especially evident in their canon era - from the way they decompress on that couch before their first kiss, the way he calmingly reaches for her in the RV and it seems to immediately bring her peace, to just the safety to let herself be adored and loved on so fully by Rick’s good kind heart in all their comfy and sensual moments at home. 🥰

When she confides in Rick and tells him at the end of 7A that she only wants to go forward if it's with him - "you and me" - she means it.

And all through season 7 it’s clear she knows full well that the only time she truly feels safe is with him. It’s why she nearly throws in the towel - or throws in the sword - when she thinks walkers got to Rick in Say Yes and so vulnerably runs into his arms when seeing he is alive.

Michonne knew she couldn’t lose him on that honeymoon run. Not just 'I don't want to lose you,' she knew 'I can't lose you,' - something Rick too would grasp fully once taken from her for years. With soulmates like this, they lose each other, then in many ways they lose themselves.

When Michonne told Rick she couldn't lose him in Say Yes, I knew she felt it was because she loves him deeply but after TOWL it’s clear how she also knew she’d never truly feel safe again if she were to lose him. 😭 They are each other's security in this crazy world.

Then, after getting in that brutal brawl in the s7 finale, Rick makes getting to Michonne a priority and when he finds her against that wall, she just hears his voice and feels his touch and it looks like a sense of safety has been restored to her. And to Rick too.

In season 8, sirens go off in Michonne's head being away from Rick during the war and it’s clear she won’t be able to rest truly until he’s back.

And in that season's msf I’ve always felt it’s so clear that when she tells Judith she’ll bring her daddy back, Michonne is excited for both her baby girl and herself that they’ll have Rick back finally - the man who makes their family feel complete and safe. 👌🏽

After tragically losing Carl (which is forever heartbreaking 💔💔💔), both Michonne and Rick try to be a safe space for each other even despite their own immense individual pain.

And they do find their way back to each other, saying i love you and holding hands off to war because no matter the circumstances if they can hold each other they can feel a sense of safety.

And in s9, before Rick leaves, Richonne really feel so at home and safer than ever with each other. It’s a beautiful time for them and all their nice season 9 scenes show how Michonne is wrapped in the love and safety of her husband. Even literally just waking up with his arm wrapped around her.

When Michonne had some real apprehension regarding if the people could really band together after Negan, she always knew she could voice those concerns with Rick and he’d reassure her so encouragingly. Also for a woman to agree to get pregnant in an apocalypse - that requires feeling a lot of safety and Rick made Michonne feel safe enough to do that. 🥲

But then Rick is taken and it’s devastating. 💔 And with his absence, Michonne’s safety also goes away.

She had to bring the beautiful life they created into the world without him. And you can just imagine there were so many nights alone in bed during her pregnancy when she’d longed for him to be there. And so when she looks at Rick with the CRM in ep 3 and yells you were alive ‘with them’ in this episode, I always sense this added hurt because those CRM people, who don’t even appreciate Rick, got to be around him all the time while she was miles away longing for him to be with her and feeling unsafe without him.

And this profession that she only feels safe with him makes all those moments post-Rick where she’d still find ways to connect with him all the more meaningful because even after he’s gone, she still only feels at least a semblance of safety with him.

Be it through the ring she wears and even fiddles with on her finger when needing to think, a Sherriff action figure, the bullet shell from his gun that she always wears in her hair to keep him close, talking to him in their bedroom, and most notably wrapping herself in his clothes just to try to remember how safe she once felt in his arms.

It moves me so much how she still only felt safe with Rick even after he was taken from her. She tells Judith how she felt so lost after Rick was gone. And because she’s strong she figured out how to keep going of course, but the world became an ultra-dangerous place again so it makes sense why she’d become as cautious as she became. Nothing could make her truly feel safe until she was back with her true love.

And when Michonne is back with Rick in TOWL, you see that sense of safety start to come back. She has no clue where he’s taking her or how they’ll get out of this CRM place but she trusts him. She knows he’ll do anything to keep her safe.

But the surprising aspect is Rick will do anything to keep her safe…including trying to destroy being her safe space so that she’ll be willing to leave him and make it home. 🥀☹️

And that is exactly what we see happen as this heart-gripping gym scene continues. So my extra self has to do a part two to talk about the latter half of this gym scene.

I'll conclude this post by saying, “The only time I feel safe if when I’m with you” is such a deeply beautiful, meaningful, and memorable line. 😭 Black women, both in fiction and in reality, don't always get to express that innate want to feel safe with someone/something outside of ourselves and so seeing Michonne get to say that her safety doesn't just come from her but from her husband was powerful and lovely. 👏🏽

I forever love Danai for knowing Michonne would feel this way in her relationship with Rick and allowing her to voice it so perfectly and authentically here. This episode really was written by someone who knows Rick and Michonne inside and out and I adore the way Richonne is each other's truest safe space. 🥹👌🏽

[sjax001]

My (not-so-pleasant)version of the Lion and Guilliman's reunion

This idea emerged during a conversation with a friend, and because of my reluctance to laboriously craft it into a fanfic, I presented it in this form:

Guilliman heard numerous rumors about the Lion's return, but he struggled to believe it. Even before he entered the stasis field, he had already believed that the Lion was dead. Yet, he wanted the rumors to be true because of his overwhelming desperation for a brother's companionship.

So, he once again captured a Tzeentch daemon and interrogated it，seeking truth about the Lion's return.

The Tzeentch daemon affirmed that the Lion had indeed returned, untainted by Chaos. However, before Guilliman could find solace in this revelation, the daemon continued.

"He holds two distinct opinions of you, and you can guess which one is true.

The first: He is immensely relieved to learn that you are still alive and believes he is no longer alone.

The second: He thought he should have dealt with you and asked why could it not have been you who fell."

The daemon pulled a sly maneuver, withholding context about the Lion's words. It also conveniently changed the Lion's true meanings, "why could it not have been you who fell instead of Sanguinius," which Guilliman might have concurred with, and it also omitted that the Lion had also wished he had died in Sanguinius' place.

Guilliman was quick to conclude that only the second statement held truth. Given his understanding of the Lion, he reasoned that the Lion had never held him in high regard and was very likely upset with him.The Lion may believe he should be held accountable for the current state of the Imperium.So it's logical that the Lion wanted him dead.

In theory, Guilliman should have accepted this reality calmly, but he found himself unable to do so.

Imagine you awaken in a nightmarish world, utterly alone, burdened with the responsibility of saving everyone, yet no one could save you in return. Your father appears mad and treats you like a tool, and you lack a confidant to confide in. Amidst the ceaseless toil and isolation, a glimmer of hope emerges when you hear that one of your brothers has returned.You two weren't close before, but you've been alone for too long. You're so exhausted and you want to talk to someone. Despite past misunderstandings and disputes, he could be the sole person who comprehends your solitude and shares your burden.

But this brother, the only person in the world you can rely on and trust,thinks you're better off dead.

Thus Guilliman crumbled.He had a will as unyielding as steel and rock, but he had already pushed himself to the brink. And this was the straw that broke the camel's back.He could have continued to endure all the loneliness and despair, had the Lion not denied the value of all his effort and his life with a single sentence.

Meanwhile, the Lion was making preparations for his impending reunion with Guilliman. During his time with his sons, he felt that he should understand Guilliman's perspective beforehand. He turned to Azrael, inquiring if Guilliman had ever spoken about him. He was told by Azrael that when Indomitus Crusade fleet delivered primaris reinforcements to the Rock,Guilliman admitted to Azrael that he had always admired the Lion. Despite not sharing a particularly close bond, the Lion had always been the one Guilliman looked up to among all their brothers. This left the Lion both moved and reassured.

Therefore, when the Lion and Guilliman finally met again, the Lion tried to express his brotherly feelings of reunion, but Guilliman reacted with extreme indifference and restraint. The Lion was puzzled and annoyed by this and suspected that Guilliman thought he was trying to usurp power. The misunderstanding between them deepened.

Eventually, the Lion could bear it no longer. He used his forestwalk ability to reach the Honor of Macragge and wanted to have a sincere conversation with his brother. However, when Guilliman spotted him, he misconstrued the lion's intentions, believing that the lion had come to assassinate him. He instinctively raised the flaming sword in "self-defense." When the lion attempted to clarify that he had no such intentions, Guilliman questioned him, "Aren't you the one who wished I were dead?" The lion was speechless, as he had indeed uttered those words. A confrontation between the two ensued, but Guilliman eventually abandoned the fight midway due to overwhelming heartbreak.

This is the very first time when Lion witnessed Guilliman shedding tears. Even after the siege of Terra, when all were in mourning, Guilliman had immediately embarked on the task of reorganization and reconstruction.At that time,he was so driven that he seemed almost insensitive and indifferent.So all his brothers, including the lion, thought he's cold or strong enough to never be swayed by emotion.

Now,Lion realized that Guilliman even remained oblivious to his own tears,still convinced that he sounded resolute and intimidating to Lion.Suddenly, the Lion comprehended the relentless battle Guilliman had waged against despair,but he couldn't hold on any longer.And it's because of Lion.

I haven't figured out how this is supposed to end.My hope is for them to reconcile sincerely. However, I'm uncertain about how the Lion could offer solace to Guilliman and gain his trust again.Even he had changed a lot,I still think he is not good at comforting...and Roboute was devastated.

Any ideas ?

[viaviv124]

Bullfrog Character Study and why i feel so bad for him

Did you notice that Bullfrog does not cry at all until his execution? Not when Jade died, not when Pey'j died and, to our knowledge, not while he was in jail.

When Bullfrog talked with Rayman and mentioned Pey'j's death he sounded so bitter. Yeah he probably said it to hold a mirror in front of Rayman but also i feel like at first he didn't intent to say this, that this just slipped out and he then decided to roll with it. I do not know much about Assassins Creed but i do know that he had to embody the Brotherhood's ideology of freedom, peace and equality. To my knowledge to "peace and freedom" also counts "free of vengance/hatred/bitterness" and so on because these feelings do not make you free, hence why Bullfrog tried to stop both Dolph and Pey'j from acting in vengance (allthough with Pey'j it also was so the Warden doesn't detonate the bomb). And espacially because of the survivors guilt Bullfrog thinks he has to be the perfect assassin.

However, Assassins are just people too. People are flawed and cannot follow this perfectly. And Bullfrog was incredibly bitter. Probably not just bitter too, one can just imagine what he felt. He lost everything he cared about again. He failed again. Not to mention, i doubt he ever allowed himself to grief. And i feel like feeling that horde of emotions also lead to self loathing to a degree.

Bullfrog is supposed to embody the Brotherhood's ideology, hell, the entire brotherhood considering he's, to his and our knowledge, the only one left. He's not supposed to feel everything he's feeling right now, yet he does and it eats him up. The survivors guilt forces him to perfectionism. If he can't be the perfect assassin, then what is he? To him he's failing his ancestors and brothers, his fallen comrades, the ones he's fighting for, everyone.

And despite all of that he never once allowed himself to cry.

Except when he was convinced he was going to die.

Bullfrog cried during his final words as he apologized to Dolph for failing him. And i can promise you these tears weren't just because of the apology, no, in these few tears was at least a bit of everything that happend. Because he didn't have to stay strong anymore. He thought that's it. This is where he and the brotherhood will die. And he probably felt two main emotions in that moment. Hopelessness and relief. Hopelessness for very obvious reasons i doubt i need to elaborate, but relief? He didnt have that burden anymore. He thought he was going to die so that weight he's been carrying for who-knows how long would be off his shoulders. It's a very small price, but at least it's something.

Everything i've said so far is why a certain comic by @pitafish hits so hard to me. I won't show it here because i didn't ask for permission, but basically what happend is that Bullfrog and Ramon were lying in bed and Bullfrog had a breakdown so Ramon sang to him and hugged him to soothe and comfort him.

[Edit] i just got permission to link the comic so here you go

Bullfrog let himself cry. He let himself be vulnerable. He lets himself be an individual with his own thoughts and feelings instead of an extension/personification of the brotherhood. And most impressively, he did that in front of someone else. He let someone else soothe him, hold him, take the place of comfort he himself always took for others.

And that's what makes it hit so hard.

In conclusion, Bullfrog deserves a hug, a blankie, hot chocolate, to bawl his eyes out and some well-deserved rest.

[herofics]

One and Only, Always

A/N: I’m not having the best time right now and I wanted to vent so here’s some comfort with Geto. I’m in uni currently and it’s causing me a lot of stress right now, also depression spiral and shit like that basically

“What do I keep doing wrong?” you muttered as you laid on the floor of the bedroom.

You didn’t understand. Everyone else could do it. All your other classmates could go to school, work and take care of their family at the same time. You couldn’t even manage school, and to take care of yourself at the same time. Geto being so busy all the time was kind of a relief, honestly. You were so tired all the time, and managing the relationship was hard, so it was easier when he wasn’t there. You hated that you felt this way. You loved him so much, but being around him, around anyone really, was just extremely tiring.

“What are you doing down there, love?” Geto asked from the doorway.

You hadn’t even heard him come in.

“Thinking… I guess” you answered reluctantly.

“What about?” he asked as he sat down on the floor at the end of the bed.

“Nothing in particular, I’m tired so it’s kinda hard to keep my thoughts in order, so I’m not really sure either” you sighed.

You crawled to Geto and rested your head on his thigh. He was wearing sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt. You were so used to seeing him in his monk robes that it was a bit odd to see him looking so casual.

“Why are you home so early anyway? I thought you had meetings the whole day?”

“I wrapped them up quickly, besides it’s not really early, it’s seven in the evening” he chuckled.

“Oh… I knew that”

“What’s going on with you? You’ve been a bit distant as of late” Geto noted.

You sighed, he never missed anything. He didn’t always say something right away, he sometimes observed the situation for days, weeks even, before saying anything.

You pushed yourself up to a sitting position and sat next to him. Geto wrapped his arm around you and caressed your shoulder with the tips of his fingers.

“I don’t know, honestly. I don’t have any good reason to be depressed again. Like fuck, I’ve been in uni for a year, and I’m already on the verge of burning out. I don’t understand what I keep doing wrong, because there has to be something.” you said.

“Oh love” Geto sighed sympathetically.

“I can’t just be this-this broken piece of shit! I can’t just be this useless!” you exclaimed in frustration, banging your head against the end of the bed.

Geto placed his hand between your head and the end of the bed, so you wouldn’t hurt yourself.

“You’re gonna hurt yourself, stop” he said kindly but sternly as he forced you to lean your head against his shoulder.

“I don’t know what-what to-to do Suguru. I don’t want to be here if I can’t be useful to someone” you started sobbing.

Geto pulled you into his lap and you buried your face into his chest. You didn’t mean to break down like this. You didn’t want to be a burden.

“You’re not useless love, you’re not. You saved me back when we were in Jujutsu High, if it wasn’t for you, I probably wouldn’t be here right now. You’re my rock, and my light, the love of my life” Geto said as he peppered kisses on top of your head and embraced you tightly.

He hated seeing you like this and maybe even more than that, he hated that he wasn’t sure how to help. Geto let you cry it out. He held you until your tears ran out and you got your bearings again.

“I’m just so tired of this, I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be able to do things like everyone else can, and not just be left behind every fucking time. If I can’t even do that, then what’s the point?” you said quietly, fiddling with his shirt.

“Honestly, that’s something you’re going to have to discover for yourself. I don’t think any of us get a straight answer anyway, we all have to find our own meaning” he said, looking at you softly.

You met his eyes, those beautiful amber eyes that always looked at you with such love. You searched his expression for any signs of dishonesty, but you never found any, not now, not ever before. His honesty towards you was one of the big reasons you loved him.

“I can tell you this though, you’re a big part of my meaning. I don’t know what I would do without you, I feel like my life would be lacking if you weren’t here” he smiled.

“I love you Suguru, I think the only reason I’ve been able to keep going for this long is because of you” you said and placed your hand on his cheek.

“I don’t think I deserve the credit for that. You’re the one that’s kept fighting and pushing through all the obstacles” he said, moving your hand that was on his cheek so he could kiss your palm.

“But you’re my reason for fighting, you’re a part of my meaning too” you smiled tiredly.

Geto pressed his forehead against yours and whispered: “You’re my one and only, and I love you, don’t ever forget that” before kissing you softly on the lips.

His one and only, always.

[starcurtain]

Hii!! I saw your fact checking myths about aventurine and the ipc and I agree with your takes definitely. One thing I want to add is that I do believe Aventurine is owned by the ipc (under a legal binding contract) and even if he gets "kicked" out of Stonehearts, the ipc has some form of ownership over him. Especially since in the jade scene he seems to be willing to lay down his life to the ipc for his goals and the ipc are known for lifetime contracts mentioned by some npc and topaz. I've seen a lot of people compare him to a sugar daddy or with the genshin character childe as both being "rich" . This might be my lawyer brain coming in but I'm pretty sure anything aventurine owns is not actually his but belongs to the ipc. For example aventurine could buy himself an apartment under his name and he could be the sole owner of that said apartment but if ipc had a contract where aventurine's life is essentially theirs then that apartment actually belongs to them. Obviously it is down to specifc terms and conditions, he is more so a corporate slave than what he was before but I think the contract is very detrimenting to him. They provide aventurine with money and goods but it's a false sense of wealth he never actually truly owns. I think when aventurine mentions many times he has nothing left he means it metaphorically and literally as well. If the ipc wish they could strip him bare of any goods he "owns' because he is their property just as much as whatever he buys for himself is. This is one of the reasons why I think leaving the ipc is something he doesn't want yet because essentially he would have nothing and no one to turn to (there is ratio obviously but we know how self destructive and insecure aventurine is so he would never want to be a burden to the doctor). But anyway these are my thoughts on this i wanted to share.

Thank you for your message; I'm glad you enjoyed the original post!

As I mentioned elsewhere, I definitely think everyone should hold tight to their headcanons and enjoy their own versions of the story to the fullest. There's no wrong way to enjoy a game's story!

For me, I just get a little obsessive over having evidence from canon. I'm just the type who reads too much into the tiny lore details in every readable in the game all the time. I love to take every detail we know from canon and weave it into my personal headcanons.

I definitely think it's fine and logical to feel like Aventurine might have a life-time contract with the IPC. I don't think he could just leave his job if he felt like it, definitely not!

But for me, I worry that people choosing to view Aventurine as a corporate slave might be... minimizing his active role in being an IPC employee? Like, I think that with Topaz and Aventurine in particular, people want them very much to be good guys. They don't want to think of Topaz or Aventurine willingly doing the things that we see other IPC members doing, like manipulating people, cheating people, or just in general being kind of awful (RIP Skott, I'll be your fan if no one else will!!).

If we say that Aventurine is a slave of the IPC and that he doesn't own the riches he's surrounded with, then we're creating a barrier between him and the IPC's behavior--he isn't like them, he's just doing these things because he has to. He's not a hedonist; that wealth doesn't even actually belong to him, it's just the IPC's tool to control him. This makes Aventurine out to be someone who is "forced to be bad" and morally separates him from the mindless money-hoarding mindset of the IPC. To me, I just don't personally think this is how the story intends Aventurine to be viewed.

As I see it, Aventurine is very much a morally grey character who, although initially setting out to do something virtuous, lost his noble motivation along the way when he discovered his people, who he was trying to save, had all been wiped out. Losing the central motivation that was driving his decision-making left him utterly adrift, with no reason to keep on living, to cling to his morals, or to even care about who was taking advantage of him.

Personally, I don't view Aventurine as a slave of the IPC. Instead, I would argue that he is a slave of destiny--the destiny that told him he was a "chosen one," that he would lead his people to safety, that proved time and again that he alone would always, always be the final victor... He chased that destiny by gambling his own life--only to be entirely too late, leaving him with absolutely no reason to keep living, something the IPC was merely happy to capitalize on. And Aventurine allowed that.

Pre-Penacony, Aventurine's connection to the IPC was a symbiotic relationship--the IPC gave Aventurine opportunities to try to kill himself (which is what he wanted, not them) and they gained from him when fate continually failed to let him die. He allowed himself to be knowingly exploited and took an active role in generating wealth for the IPC/furthering their agenda.

He's an IPC employee, not a slave. This is just my personal understanding of the character, but I think Aventurine's morally grey nature and his willingness to allow himself to be taken advantage of for evil means is an important aspect of his character. To me, that absolute despair with the world, that complete sense of purposeless that he felt, which made him no longer care who exploited him or what they used his power to do, is a central facet of his character arc.

Aventurine's arc in Penacony involved, very literally, being confronted by the "future" his own actions were hurtling him toward, and having to choose between the nihilism of that future and the true freedom represented by accepting his "past." And he chose the past--he chose to reaffirm his faith in Gaiathra, embrace the pain of what happened to his family, and seek new meaning by finally recognizing his own life's value.

It's important that the "enemy" Aventurine fought in his 2.1 character story was himself.

(Sorry that was mega-long. I am very passionate about Aventurine's self-destructive behavior, apparently.)

Just in general though, I think there might be some canon hints that sort of dispute the idea that Aventurine has a lifetime contract like Topaz's.

For one, Sigonia-IV didn't join the IPC in the same way Topaz's planet did. They maintained a clear "Sigonian Sovereignty" and are allowed to make decisions on their people's behalf. We're not told that anyone from Sigonia has been forced into contracts with the IPC like Topaz's planet was, and while Aventurine did brush up against the IPC queen of deals, Jade, I don't think his encounter with her counts as a formal "Bonajade Exchange" because his goal and hers were the same from the beginning. He wanted in to the IPC, and she wanted to get him in. There was no cost or soul contract to be signed because it was a win for everyone from the start.

There's also multiple hints throughout the game that Topaz's lifelong contract is odd and not something that most people--even from her own planet--actually signed on to. Other members of the IPC are surprised to hear about it and act as if it not a standard IPC thing.

I definitely agree that Aventurine probably cannot just quit his job because he's part of one of the highest up teams in the shady evil mega-corporation, but I don't think he's in the same situation as Topaz, who the game tells us is pretty unique.

As for Aventurine's money and material possessions not being his... I'm sorryyyy, I just don't think this is the case. He a highly-ranked member of the richest corporation in the world. There's no way he doesn't get a well-earned, very high salary. He buys his jewels, fancy watches, and expensive perfume with his own paychecks, I can almost guarantee.

I don't disagree that money and material wealth is a way to manipulate people though! By giving him the cushy, comfortable life of luxury he never had before, the IPC is definitely creating a situation in which no one would want to leave and give up on all that money and power, for sure.

But I just don't think we have any evidence in-game that Aventurine doesn't have control of his own finances or doesn't own the items that he buys.

When he says "I have nothing," I do agree that he means this both metaphorically and literally, but I think the "literal" point is that wealth and material objects are completely pointless to him because he has no one to share them with. They can't benefit his family or his people because none of the Avgin are left. What is the point of having a beautiful home if you have no one left to live with? What is the point of being able to buy the most exquisite food in the universe if you have no one of value left to feed?

To me, the idea that Aventurine doesn't have any control of even his material items or money feels like a popular fanon take. People love to imagine their favorite in the scary or angsty situation of having everything taken away from him! (Which, hey, I don't mind this kind of angst either, to be honest! 😂)

[lyssasdrafts]

WATCHING THEM FALL FOR SOMEONE ELSE — acotar boys

characters: rhysand, cassian, azriel, & lucien x gn! reader

includes: angst, unrequited love, jealousy, open ended for rhys & lulu

note: not proof read, i wrote this when i was upset so idk if it makes sense, trying out a different style/format

RHYSAND - misunderstanding

rhysand is someone who constantly has to deal with pressure on him. from his family, from his work, it all never ends. you were a breath of fresh air for him. you filled those gaps in his day where he could just be himself.

maybe it was foolish for you to believe you could occupy any more space than that. some people in life aren’t meant to be significant, but simply someone you can pass some time with.

“i’m sorry,” he muttered. the only time you had ever heard him stutter and look away from you when he spoke. “i just have a lot going on right now.”

you decide to just accept the rejection. you hadn’t asked to stay in touch, or to still be friends. you didnt want to bother troubling him anymore than you already did from his busy life. you just nodded, said you understood and left.

weeks later he’s on your doorstep, ringing your doorbell and tapping his foot anxiously against the concrete ground for you to come out. “but i can make time for you,” he wanted to say. until he suddenly gets a message calling him in for an emergency. by the time you had come and opened your door, you were just faced with an empty doorframe and no trace of rhysand but his footsteps.

CASSIAN - waiting too long to confess

cassian was someone that caught your eye from the moment you had met. he was always someone in the back of your mind, but his presence there had only increased the more you got to know each other. he’s someone you became more comfortable with overtime until you’d find yourself actively trying to get closer to him and wanting to learn more about him.

you had still never heard from him about his mother or how he met his friends. on why he’s still willing to take on everyone else’s burdens despite his own struggles. and perhaps you never would after hearing about him being with someone else.

perhaps you had stalled too long to confess, to actually talk to him about something that wasn’t jokes and banter. someone else beat you to it.

you think of all the chances you’d had, that time everyone else had left you two alone at rhy’s house or that time he’d offered to bring you home, and maybe instead of wondering about him, you could’ve actually seen for yourself.

AZRIEL - unrequited/one sided love

azriel was never someone who had a lot to say, always the first one to leave and the last one to arrive. all your friends scoffed at you for liking such a mysterious guy.

you had been an acquaintance for some time, always noticing the little ways he would smile at you or stay behind to make small talk. maybe it was just all in your head, but part of you felt like you could actually get to him.

you felt that the reason he kept giving you the cold shoulder was just because he tends to be nervous right? the reason he always gave you short and rigid responses.

when you see him leaning against a wall talking with someone else, laughing with them, probably letting them in all the way when you’d wished he would just give you an inch, that’s when you’d realized how wrong you had been.

LUCIEN - giving him up willingly

watching lucien fall in love again is like losing your best friend. you knew you weren’t ready to pursue him and to commit to a relationship, so you let him go.

you still remember that look he gave you, the way the light in his eyes had died when you told you that you felt the same but wanted to wait. maybe he did deserve someone better than you, someone who wouldn’t string him along for who knows how long.

“you should go for it,” you smile as you nudge him to talk to someone else. he gives you a look, as if hes waiting for approval, giving you one last chance to take him back and ask him not to leave. you don’t, but instead your smile drops when you watch him look at someone else with that same gaze.

slowly the distance between the two of you grew, more and more of his time being taken up by someone who could actually give him a relationship. losing lucien didn’t just mean losing a lover, but your best friend too.

[obsidinoir]

a good thing

MDNI 18+

gojo x y/n, female y/n, angst

gojo had always been a prideful person. his ego could move mountains and he'd still have some left to give everyone a headache. but his ego was the reason he lost you, the reason he could no longer sleep at night, the reason he drowned himself with alcohol every night because he made a mistake he couldn't undo. it was his fault he lost you.

"you don't understand man... it's my fault I'm suffering," gojo mumbled to geto one night when they were out for drinks.

"but you have to stop, you're not solving anything when you're drowning yourself with alcohol," geto chastised while he pulled away a glass of alcohol from gojo's hand, "tell me what happened bro, you haven't told anyone what happened between you and y/n."

"y/n...she was my everything and I fucked it all up..." he wailed and reached to snatch back his glass. geto pushed him away and stared at him expectedly. gojo sighed and began...

it was during a time when he was super busy. he came back from work super tired. as usual, you were up waiting for him but you got tired and fell asleep on the couch. he didn't know why he was irritable but seeing you on the couch made him angry. Why can't you take care of yourself? Why did you sleep in the cold when you know damn well you catch colds easily? Why do you still tolerate him...

with his mind racing, he woke you up and started yelling at you. you woke up confused and tried to calm him down but that fueled his anger. he further raised his voice, knowingly since you told him you hate arguing with someone who shouts at you. even still, he got mad at you and stormed off.

he took a shower to cool off and by the time he got off, he found you seated on the bed. he saw how crestfallen you were, how confused you were and he got fired up again. but before he could tell you off again, you meekly asked him...

"can we break up?"

his whole world came to a stop. he begged you to tell him why you wanted to break up but you were ready for this conversation.

"i don't like being yelled at. i don't like being chastised or being scolded as if I can't take care of myself. i'm done being a burden to you because this isn't the first time."

his heart stopped. what did you mean by this isn't the first time? you didn't want to explain further. you had packed all your essentials before he got out of the shower. you walked out of the apartment and out of his life without any other words.

he searched in his mind how many times he shouted at you, how many times he yelled at you for everything you'd done. he realised how much work was stressing him and that whole time he was busy, he was taking it out on you. he conveniently forgot about it every time because it felt like therapy. and now he's suffering because he lost a good thing, he lost you...

back to the present, geto was shocked and he gave gojo back his glass and poured a glass for himself. he couldn't say anymore, it was indeed all his fault. both of them drank that night and went on their separate ways. just like clockwork gojo would text you. telling you that he was drunk, that he wants you back, that he should've been better, he'll get help and all he needs is you and he'd call you and convey the same message.

you'd pick up and hear him ramble and cry. he begged for forgiveness and cried himself to sleep. secretly you liked his grovelling. he sounded so pretty when he cried.

okay so idk where I was headed with this but I wanted to try out some angst writing hehe

give me feedback fr ♡