#the protein powder is good and there’s a lot of it in the huge ass jar it comes in thankfully

[melorasmushrooms]

I was trying to look up more info about this peanut butter flavored protein powder I picked up the other day and stumbled onto a Reddit thread where someone with a peanut allergy was asking if the peanut butter flavored protein powder was worth trying

[withpeopleinperson]

if you were trapped on an island with the mean girls cast who would be the most useful and why?

in order from most useful to least useful in the event of a plane crash scenario or cruise ship overboard…

1. janis

- she’s smart, resourceful, and could absolutely catch and skin an animal and prepare it. she’s useful in the way that she knows how to build a shelter and no she isn’t telling u how she knows this

2. regina

- do u rlly think she isn’t carrying a huge ass tote bag with a million things? this bitch probably checks an entire luggage just for granola bars protein powder and snacks when she goes on vacation. she won’t be helpful with building shelter, but she WILL sit and bitch at you bc she has good ideas, poor execution. but she’ll give u a granola bar and some fancy erewhon trail mix when ur done.

3. cady

- shes really smart, nuff said. she lived in kenya so she knows a lot about making a shelter and which animals r the best source of protein. downside is she cries about not killing her “friend” she’d rather starve to death and eat grass before she kills an animal even if it’s for survival so she gets bumped down points for this alone.

4. karen

- she’s really observant. she’s also not like, affected enough to have a panic attack about it like gretchen. sis is there for moral support and vibes alone. also u would sit there struggling with how to catch a deer or some shit and she’s being rlly quiet until she’s suddenly holding the dead mf going “like this?” ur struggling to put the roof on ur shelter tent hut and she’s like “oh like that!” & just. knows how to do it.

5. gretchen

- do I need to explain this? she has a panic attack about being trapped, about losing her phone, then she has a panic attack about having a panic attack. 0/10 do not get stuck with gretchen

6. damian

- he’s only more useful than aaron bc there’s got to be more than half a dramatic brain cell up there.

7. aaron

- does a soccer head bop with the only coconut u manage to forage. he splits it open, loses the water and half the edible parts, gets a concussion and then says “duuuuuude” like it wasn’t even a big deal.

[aforrestofstuff]

Been a hot minute since I did one of these. A good friend of mine gave me a suggestion on my discord:

So yeah this required a lot of research because I only eat like 3 things lol. Obligatory crack warning.

Tornado of Terror: Ice cream because A: it’s good practice for her esper powers to control a semi-liquidous substance and B: her constant rage has actually raised her default body temperature an additional ten degrees, so eating ice cream is a good way to cool off. 

Silverfang: Oatmeal raisin cookies because he’s an old fuck. He likes chewy things because his teeth are held together by sheer force of will but also indulges in that extra crunch of the oatmeal to remind everyone in the old folk’s home just who the fuck they’re messing with. 

Atomic Samurai: Any dessert-flavored cocktail that is made up of around 90% alcohol and 5% violence. 

Child Emperor: Kid eats sweets for breakfast lunch and dinner, dessert to him would probably be a head of broccoli drizzled with a light yet flavorful dressing. Either that or milkshakes, because I get the feeling he doesn’t get to enjoy them too often... and of course they remind him of the good times with Zombieman. 

Metal Knight: Only eats pre-packaged nutrient bricks and has not tasted anything sweet nor enjoyed a food morsel in at least 17 years. 

King: I headcanon King as a huge momma’s boy who doesn’t get to eat a lot of homemade food because he fucking sucks at cooking and makes enough money to eat out all the time anyway, so his favorite dessert would probably be every and any home-cooked treat his mom makes for him. 

Zombieman: I’ll be honest, I thought this dude hated sweet things but after reading that manga extra of him drinking sugar with a side of coffee, my opinion has switched. His favorite dessert would probably be something extremely decadent and sweet, like one of those 1000-calorie Dairy Queen sundae-shakes jam packed with chocolate and cookie crumbs. Or an entire fucking lava cake because this dude’s metabolism is faster than the speed of light and he’d probably stomach something like that just to see if he can, since apparently he’s all about breaking his own limiters. A friend of mine once ate three-dozen pot brownies in one sitting while speedrunning Mario 64 and I think Zombieman would be able to do that without the aid of the munchies. I know Zman internally insulted Pig God one time for well, eating like a pig but give the dude some alone time and an all you can eat buffet of sweets and he’d find himself in the same situation. 

Drive Knight: Does not have a favorite food in general due to this motherfucker not installing tastebuds on account of them not being necessary to commit all degrees of murder. 

Pig God: Oh my god. More like what isn’t this dude’s favorite dessert? Pig God has lost the ability to dislike anything he puts in his mouth because eating has pretty much become his main source of income, so it’s safe to say that if he can swallow it, it’s his favorite food. That includes desserts, but I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t partial to pudding. Just pudding. Bread pudding, chocolate pudding, strawberry pudding. Pudding. 

Superalloy Darkshine: I’ve said this before but my boy Darkshine only eats the most obnoxiously healthy foods out there, sometimes over health-ifying those foods himself in his kitchen/protein meth lab. His favorite dessert would probably be one of those ancient bread seed logs and only because he’s allowed to put .2 ounces of stevia in it.  Either that or literally just any fruit ever.

Watchdog Man: Those pumpkin-flavored dog treats because my man gets paid 2 cents an hour at the Hero Association and the poor mf in charge of payroll has forgotten he exists so he’s grown accustomed to eating only the dog-related foods people leave to him as offerings on his weird pedestal thing in City Q. 

Flashy Flash: Doesn’t really have an affinity for sweet things on account of how fucking awful life in the Ninja Village was. He never got the opportunity to develop a sweet tooth because of all the basic ass food he’d be eating. Almost all desserts listed here would give him a heart attack, like making a Victorian era child drink McDonald’s sprite. It will not sit right with his spirit. His favorite dessert would he any vaguely sweet fruit with wine, or a coffee that is 90% creamer.

Genos: Something in my spirit is telling me he’d enjoy anything strawberry-related, although Saitama doesn’t like them. This leads to them falling out while a shortcake bakes in the background. Im kidding, obviously. But seeing as how ONE has a very “go stupid aaaaaaaa” attitude towards writing, it would be a very tame end to their relationship (assuming there’s gonna be an end) compared to all the other shitdick stuff happening in this series. Zombieman’s ass has been out for like 8 chapters, you can’t tell me shit.

Metal Bat: Kiddo snorts protein powder for breakfast, probably. He’s ripped as hell and his diet reflects that sorta, with a hint of seventeen year-old craziness thrown in there. Bitch eats like a violent stoner sometimes because he knows his metabolism can handle it and he won’t die from food poisoning nor food coma. However, his favorite dessert would be creme brûlée because it’s the only food you’re required to beat the shit out of before eating, and we all know he loves bonking stuff.

Tanktop Master: Over health-ifys shit like Darkshine, just to a lesser degree. However I also HC him as a huge momma’s boy, and if said mother is supportive in his endeavors to become the world’s swolest man, she’d definitely make him something both sweet and healthy. However, I’d doubt he care about slipping up on his diet every once and a while. He’d probably enjoy a soft serve here and there.

Puri-Puri Prisoner: his palate is very limited on account of being in literal prison. However, he doesn’t really hate it there for some reason, and I’ve even stated in a previous hc that he sometimes gets specialized meals in the cafeteria due to his status as a hero. His favorite dessert would probably be whatever chocolate-flavored sweet brick they can shit out. Like, motherfuckers get really creative with their ingredients while locked up and there’s a bomb ass recipe for chocolate cake floating around that I’ve tried and can confirm it’s 10/10 not bad. I’m getting off-topic. His favorite dessert is whatever asshole he’ll be eating out of that night.

Saitama: Even though he’s poorer than.... fuck, I don’t know. He’s broke but he still indulges in the prestige shit here and there. He’s got a massive sweet tooth even though he’s ripped as hell, hence why he eats so much fruit because it’s the only sweet thing he can afford to ingest without losing his gains. His favorite dessert would be anything banana-related, but nothing as decadent as say, dark chocolate. Probably banana foster waffles. I don’t know why that popped into my head, I just know Saitama would like them.

Garou: motherfucker could shit on a rock with sprinkles on it and call it dessert. His favorite, though? Sweet, sweet victory. And candy bars.

[thanksjro]

The Transformers #26- Chaos Part 2: A for Effort, Trailbreaker

Issue #25 isn’t relevant, either to this project or to the Chaos storyline. Prowl investigates Scrapper’s murder, and things get messy in terms of connecting the dots, he’s attacked, it’s all very dramatic, we get that one panel where Prowl ruins a man’s barbecue.

Let’s move on, shall we?

The entire Chaos storyline is co-authored by Roberts and Costa, so I won’t be mentioning it further. It’s not like this is an especially long storyline anyway.

Getting back to where we left off, that big nasty Kimia laser is coming down, but it’s not targeting the Autobots. It’s hitting another part of the planet, and Optimus thinks it’s high time they found out just what’s going on here. He orders Silverbolt to follow the laser, and the entirety of their aerial division shoots up into the sky, including Cosmos. I guess all these guys have been here this whole time. News to me, but okay.

Sunstreaker and Drift get put in charge of finding a base of operations, while Cliffjumper gets paired off with Wheelie for a scouting mission. Once they’re done unloading all the crap they packed in Omega Supreme, Rodimus will fly him back up into orbit to try and deal with the threat in the air while everyone else is on the ground.

Trailbreaker, you do one fucking thing. What is this confusion about your role in any of this?

Rodimus and Trailbreaker get up into orbit without much fuss, guiding the aerial team.

Yeah, I could see them needing some extra eyes here.

Down on the surface of the planet, Wheelie is dragging Cliffjumper around, much to his chagrin. Also Wheelie’s got a gun. I don’t know where he got the gun from, considering he’s been running around with nothing but a slingshot and a synth for the last several issues, but he’s got a fucking rifle now, and he’s pointing it straight at Galvatron. He misses, but not by much. Pretty impressive for a guy who’s not seen a gun in a few million years and went full Castaway.

Of course, with that shot, their cover is blown, and Galvatron sends his troops in the direction that the gunfire came from. Cliffjumper calls Optimus to tattle on Wheelie, and Optimus’ team heads their way.

Meanwhile, up in space, the aerial forces are making short work of the Sweeps. The hard part is going to be getting into Kimia so they can turn off that laser.

Speaking of Kimia, let’s check in on some of the guys who work there, why don’t we? Lightspeed and Nosecone take stock of their current situation, and it’s pretty darn grim, to put it lightly. They’re stuck in the same room as a power generator for the particle cannon, with only a few blasters and some experimental bomb nonsense between them. The room around them lights up, signaling the power-up sequence for the cannon. That’s no good!

Good thing Trailbreaker’s here! Surely his forcefield-creating abilities will save the day!

Oof. That’s rough, buddy.

The damage to the planet can be seen from space. Cybertron’s got maybe enough fortitude to take a couple more hits like that before it either crumbles or going hurtling off into deep space. Since they can’t contain the particle cannon blasts, they’re going to have to destroy Kimia.

Rodimus isn’t really a huge fan of this plan, seeing as there are probably still folks alive inside the facility, and he can’t stand to sacrifice others, even if it is for the greater good. Gee, I wonder why.

That was sarcasm, by the way. I know it does’t translate well in writing. The reaction we’re getting from Rodimus here is probably due to him having had to blow up his home town to keep his fellow citizens from being used as ammunition and batteries in weapons of mass destruction, so that others might live. That kind of thing tends to sit pretty heavy on one’s soul. We’ll see more of the complex that event gave him in MTMTE.

Back on Kimia,  the cannon’s warming up for another shot, and communication breaks down, as Lightspeed and Nosecone pack on the explosive charges and get ready to blow Kimia up themselves, and Rodimus prepares to slam into the facility with Omega Supreme. Optimus just kind of sits back and listens to this whole thing go down. Kimia explodes, as everyone down on the planet watches in awe.

Ironhide, people are dead.

This pisses Galvatron off pretty severely, and he pulls Jhiaxus- yeah, he’s in this story, don’t worry about it- away for further nefariousness.

Rodimus lands/crashes Omega back onto the planet, with a wounded Trailbreaker. He asks where Optimus has gotten off to, and Sunstreaker tells him he and Ironhide fucked off somewhere, which causes Rodimus and Drift to share a look. And what a look it is.

Optimus is running around in his semi-truck mode, and apparently he and the Matrix are on speaking terms again, as he lets Ironhide know that he’s got a feeling in his jimmies that some serious stuff is about to go down, and the Matrix is going to be integral to things going in a way that’s beneficial to the Autobots.

Meanwhile, Megatron is attempting to figure out what the hell’s going on outside by talking to Omega Supreme, but Supreme just grayrocks him. We get a positively horrid view of Megatron’s chicklet teeth as he says he’s about to head out.

Now, you may be thinking, surely Megatron couldn’t escape from his full-body harness with the built in shock collar attachment, to which I say: He’s the main antagonist. Give it a minute.

Garnak is trying to keep Trailbreaker comfortable, chatting all the while, until Sunstreaker hears something he can’t seem to identify.

Good lord, they’re like spiders. Everything’s on fire, everything is trying to kill you, and there are giant-ass spiders. Cybertron is Space Australia.

Turns out these awful little things are cutting Megatron out of his bonds, as he laughs maniacally. Outside, Cliffjumper and Wheelie are getting shot at, like, a LOT. Cliffjumper is less calling and more begging and pleading for backup at this point. Help does come, but not from a source he’d like.

I guess the spiders snuck him a little protein powder while they were springing him loose.

[solastia]

Break My Stride | 3

Pairing: Yoongi x Jungkook

Word Count: 5,640

Summary: Yoongi is an Omega that has managed to escape the annual mating run without an Alpha for seven years in a row. He has no plans for that to change, but he’s unaware of his latest opponent: the newly presented Alpha Jeon Jungkook, his very determined childhood friend.

Warnings: I’m pretty sure most of you are already aware of what was coming up in this chapter, but the smut is here. The usual ABO madness (ya know, the weird stuff. Slick, weird peen growths, dudes that can get knocked up, unrealistic refractory periods). Other than that, nothing too crazy. They whipped. Chapter four will be the last one! 

“Jungkook?”

Coming out of the woods was no one other than one of his best friends, although he’d most definitely transformed in the couple weeks he hadn’t seen him. It seemed presenting had changed him physically as well, shooting him up a couple inches so he towered over Yoongi even more than usual. His arms and legs were rippling with muscle that even the black tracksuit he was wearing couldn’t hide. His face was still the same though; the innocent grin an interesting contrast with the buff build. 

He actually had to tamp down the flicker of interest that crossed his mind, because Jungkook was still as off-limits to him as he always was since he was one of his best friend’s little brother. Even more so, really, since the other was here to mate with someone. 

Yoongi lowered his arm and turned the taser off, furrowing his brow in confusion. He sniffed at the air, realizing the intoxicating scent of lavender, clove, and Alpha was rolling off of the younger man in heady waves. It was so powerful and honestly was making Yoongi a little dizzy. He hadn’t ever smelled an Alpha this strong before. 

“You’re an Alpha? What the fuck!” 

Jungkook’s smirk widened as he slowly stalked towards Yoongi. 

��Prime Alpha. Turns out it’s normal for Primes to present later.” 

Yoongi snorts and stuffs the taser in his jacket, finally letting himself loosen up. 

“Of course you’re a Prime. Jeon Jungkook has to be perfect at everything, so if he’s going to be an Asshole Alpha, he’ll be a Prime asshole.” 

Jungkook giggles and nods towards the dirt burrow. “You should show me your cave, hyung. I’ve always wanted to see it.” 

“Is that why you were running after me? Aren’t you supposed to be out chasing down some poor sucker? I heard you had someone in mind. Don’t think they’d like you being sidetracked.” 

Jungkook hums and shrugs, silently begging Yoongi like he always did, all big twinkling eyes and bunny smile. And just like he had a million times before, Yoongi gave in like the soft ass bitch he was. 

He sighed and dropped to his knees in front of the burrow, glancing back towards the excited Jungkook. 

“It’s not too long, but it will probably be tight in a few spots for you now that you look like you snort protein powder. Make sure you let me know if you get stuck or something so I can help.” 

“Yes, hyung.” 

Yoongi crawls into the dirt tunnel and begins the familiar trek through. Jungkook was following close behind, both of them silent save for the occasional grunt or Jungkook’s usual sniffles. They were about halfway through when Yoongi realizes that he may have made a mistake letting Jungkook be in such a closed up space with him. 

That scent of his was potent - the strongest Alpha scent he’d ever been around. He’s been trying to deny that it was doing anything to him, but he was slowly losing that battle. His Omega was practically preening being in the presence of a Prime, relishing the way the Alpha’s scent was wrapped around them like a protective shield. It was screaming at him to present and mate. Thankfully, the scent blocking gel he’d used still seemed to be working. Jungkook wouldn’t be able to scent his growing arousal - or so he thought. 

He’d forgotten about a certain Omegan trait until he heard the soft growling coming from behind him. Yoongi froze for a moment, suddenly realizing the back of his pants felt a little damp. He’d been so caught up in his thoughts he hadn’t noticed that he’d begun to leak slick. Not a lot, but enough that the newly presented Alpha behind him was obviously able to scent. 

Yoongi dared a quick look behind him, audibly gulping at the sight of the Alpha staring at his ass like he was a starving man at an all you can eat buffet. Jungkook was grinding his jaw and had his nails dug into the dirt like he was trying to control himself. Yoongi decided the best course of action was to continue as silently and quickly as possible so they could both forget this ever happened. 

He rushed forward, uncaring of the tree roots and pebbles digging into his hands and knees. When the tunnel began to widen and the musty air of his cave reached him, he breathed a sigh of relief. He slid out of the tunnel and stepped off to the side to brush off his clothes as Jungkook came out, still looking a little ragged but at least he wasn’t trying to jump him. 

Yoongi wandered over towards the cooler he’d stashed earlier, pulling out a couple bottles of water. He handed one to Jungkook and drank his own quickly, stashing the bottle away in a bag he’d gotten for trash. Jungkook slowly sipped his as he strolled around the cave, inspecting every nook and cranny. 

His stupid Omegan brain was waiting for a sign from the Alpha that he liked all the work that he had put into the place. He’d spent the past week sneaking into the preserve and getting this place ready for him to camp out overnight in, sweeping and making sure it was free of bugs or other critters.

There was now a cooler full of drinks, including beer and soju if he got in the mood. Bags of snacks, a boombox, and an overnight bag filled with clothes and toiletries just in case were against a rock wall. The walls were lined with battery powered fairy lights that he’d had to travel four hours to the big city to obtain. Several candles that he’d scattered around were still going, their subtle lavender scent that had once smelled great to him now seeming stale when compared to Jungkook. 

The thing he was most proud of was smack dab in the middle of the cave. Lining the floor were five huge rugs which he placed a huge air mattress on top of. The mattress was covered with twelve blankets and eight pillows, all fluffy and new, arranged perfectly so he’d be able to sink right into the softness. He’d always prided himself on being an excellent nester. 

“Wow! This looks amazing. Who knew a cave could be so cozy?” Jungkook raved, his eyes wide as he took in the setup. 

Yoongi turned and hid his blush by focusing on pulling all the random crap out of his pockets so he could get comfortable. Jungkook continued poking around in things; picking up a candle to sniff, trying to sneak a peek into the duffle bag, ruffling around in the bag of snacks - all while stealing glances at the bed in the middle of the room. 

Jungkook was no stranger to sleeping in the same bed as him, but Yoongi couldn’t be sure that the young Alpha was aware that only mates were allowed in nests. Kook stealing his bed or couch occasionally wasn’t that big of a deal, especially when his scent had been nonexistent as a beta. But this? This was most definitely a nest in the middle of a primitive den, and the thought of Jungkook’s scent saturating the new bedding made him feel...well, things he shouldn’t be feeling. 

Yoongi sits on the edge of his nest and kicks his shoes off, flinging them in the general direction of his duffle bag. He rests his arms on top of his thighs, watching Jungkook’s explorations in amusement. 

Jungkook is munching on a stolen bag of chips when he walks over to the cooler and peeks inside. 

“You got any banana milk, hyung?” 

Yoongi snorts. “No. I don’t keep a supply of banana milk for you wherever I go. Grab some water to take with you.” 

Jungkook hums noncommittedly and throws the now empty bag away before grabbing a bottle of soju. He unscrews it and takes a massive swig straight from the bottle, smacking his lips and sighing with contentment. 

“I didn’t think you liked flavored soju.” 

Yoongi shrugs, watching Jungkook curiously. “Grapefruit isn’t too sweet.” 

Why the hell was he still here?

Jungkook nods and sets the bottle down slowly, staring right into Yoongi’s eyes as he creeps towards the carpeted area. He stands right there with his toes nearly on top of one of the rugs, nearly in Yoongi’s nest, and he couldn’t take it anymore. 

“What are you doing, Kook? You’re wasting time here when you should be out there chasing down your mate. They are probably wondering where you are.” 

“They know where I am.” 

“You told them you were going to hang out with me and they were fine with it?” 

“Hyung, you’re usually so smart. Think about it.” 

Jungkook smirked as Yoongi studied him, finding amusement in his growing expression of alarm. 

“You figure it out, Yoongi? I know you’re aware that I had a crush on you when I was a kid. It never went away - just got stronger. I figured I’d wait until I graduated from the police academy before I tried to court you. Show you I could be a good mate even though I was a Beta.” 

“That kind of stuff doesn’t matter to me.” 

“I know. It mattered to me though. I wanted to give you everything. Wanted to be a good mate that could take care of you like you deserve. When I presented, I cried I was so happy. Well, after I cried because it hurt like a bitch.” 

Yoongi huffed a little laugh, still very overwhelmed. He let Jungkook’s revelation marinate in his head. In the back of his mind, he’d always known about Jungkook’s crush. When he was young, he hadn’t been very shy about it, always following Yoongi around and giving him poems when he was visiting. 

He had never really looked at him that way since he’d been so young, but there had been a moment of weakness at Jungkook’s 18th birthday that he’d beaten himself up over ever since. For a moment, Yoongi had seen him as a man, a man that he might want, but he’d ruthlessly squashed it just as quickly as the thought had appeared. He was young, he was Jin’s little brother, he was still bright and innocent as opposed to Yoongi’s admittedly often bitter outlook. 

In short, he’d been off limits. 

But now he was here essentially offering Yoongi his heart on a platter, and he’d never been more tempted by anything in his life. 

Jungkook had always been one of his favorite people, despite their age gap. They were similar in more ways than not and tended to gravitate towards each other when their group was together. Jungkook had long ago gotten Yoongi wrapped around his finger. He already knew that the younger was a good person and would make an amazing mate for someone. Could he possibly be that someone? 

He observed Jungkook’s earnest expression, weighing everything in his mind. He had a feeling that he’d possibly been in love with Jungkook this entire damn time, but had just refused to acknowledge it. He pictured a future with Jungkook as his Alpha, Jungkook as the father of his pups, Jungkook living in his house...

Yoongi inhaled sharply, piercing Jungkook with his intense gaze. 

“The house...” 

Jungkook’s eyes softened, smiling fondly at him. “I bought it for you, hyung. Whether you choose me today or not, it’s yours.” 

Yoongi sighed, knowing he was giving in. No other Alpha would ever measure up to what he could have here. This Alpha who’d been there through the hardest moments of Yoongi’s life and stood by him, who sang him to sleep when he had insomnia, who remembered the house that Yoongi loved and bought it for him with apparently no strings attached. He wondered if part of the reason he’d always rejected other Alphas was that he was waiting for Jungkook, in some weird Omega fixation that he’d never acknowledged. 

 “I’ll admit that I’m flattered and very tempted, but Kook, are you sure you want me? I mean, you could have anyone, especially being a Prime. I’m...well, me. You haven't really gotten out there to explore and -” 

Jungkook cuts him off quickly. “Hyung, do you think I’m trying to settle because I don’t know any better or think you’re an easy choice? I’ve had plenty of chances to choose someone else, but I can’t. It’s you, it’s always been you. I’ve loved you since before I even knew what love was.” Jungkook’s eyes are glassy with unshed tears, and Yoongi worries that he might have made him think he was outright rejecting him. He knew Jungkook was super sensitive, but before he could say anything else Jungkook spoke again. 

“Also, I already know how you are. You’re trying to use that to scare me away, but I already know that you can be an asshole sometimes. So can I. I know that people take their lives into their hands waking you up. I know that when you’re trying to protect yourself you either lash out or close up completely. I know that your anxiety and self-esteem are shit sometimes and you’ll need a lot of reassurance. I know that you’re scared some Alpha will come along and try to make you feel inferior or change you into someone you aren’t, and I can promise that won't happen with me. I love the way we are now, equals with a little bit of babying me on the side,” Jungkook grins when Yoongi snorts, shaking his head fondly at the other. 

Yoongi wasn’t about to admit that he was close to joining the other with some tears of his own.  

“Omega,” Jungkook says softly, so rife with emotion that Yoongi can hear everything he’s trying to say in just that one word. “May I enter your nest?” 

Yoongi swallows nervously because this is it. This is the moment he should be telling Jungkook to leave, but he doesn’t want to. For once, Yoongi is going to be selfish and take what he wants. 

“Yes.” 

Jungkook’s eyes widen at the whispered acceptance, his smile growing so wide it was blinding. Yoongi watched as Jungkook kicked off his shoes frantically, before turning back to him. He takes a deep breath then steps forward slowly, keeping his eyes on Yoongi to check for any changes as he gets closer to the nest. Yoongi could have told him that he wasn’t going to reject him now -  especially not the slutty Omega in his head screaming to present already. However, watching Jungkook be cautious around him was amusing. 

Yoongi scooted further into the middle of the nest and waited for Jungkook. When the Alpha finally climbs onto the mattress he releases a relieved breath, making Yoongi laugh. 

“I’m not going to bite your face off. Get up here,” Yoongi orders with a chuckle. 

Jungkook grins bashfully and crawls the rest of the way without hesitation until they are both cuddled in the middle with both of their heads on the same pillow, facing each other. He tentatively wraps his legs with the others and brings his nose to Yoongi’s neck, only to growl and sit up. 

“What’s the matter?” Yoongi asks, terrified that he’d already done something wrong. 

“I forgot you’re a dirty cheater for a minute,” Jungkook rolls his eyes and shuffles through his pockets, bringing out a travel sized packet of baby wipes. “I brought these because I knew you were going to try something like that.” 

He pulls a couple out and starts wiping Yoongi’s neck free of the descenting salve, reaching a little bit under his collar to get it all, even wiping behind his ears and his wrists. Yoongi’s face was bright red with embarrassment, but he hid behind his smug grin. 

“It was a good idea though, right?” 

“Yeah. I couldn’t smell anything. Luckily I know what your little grandpa run sounds like, plus you make these cute squeaking sounds.” 

“Shut the fuck up. I don’t squeak.” 

“You do. It’s adorable, hyung.” 

Jungkook smirks down at him as he finishes wiping him, throwing them across the cave before settling back into his former position and burying his nose into Yoongi’s neck. 

“Damn,” Jungkook grunted, inhaling deeply. “I knew you would smell good. It’s like...sunshine and happiness.” 

Yoongi sputtered, trying to stave off the involuntary shiver caused by Jungkook’s warm breath caressing his gland. 

“What kind of cheesy shit are you saying in my own cave?” 

Jungkook giggles, nuzzling his nose against the collar. 

“Omega? May I remove your collar?” 

Jungkook glances up at him with such a look of adoration that Yoongi can hardly breathe. 

“Yeah. Go ahead, Alpha.” 

He can hear Jungkook’s sharp inhale, no doubt surprised Yoongi of all people had called him that without adding words like ‘asshole’ or ‘jackass.” 

Jungkook unclasps the collar almost reverently, gulping as Yoongi’s bare neck is exposed. He shoves the collar into his pocket before glancing up to make sure he still had permission to scent him like this. Yoongi decided to throw the young Alpha into a frenzy instead, smirking as he tilted his neck back in a show of absolute submission. 

Jungkook’s Alpha answers the call, rumbling happily as he nuzzles against Yoongi’s gland, huffing and panting against it like he needed Yoongi’s scent to breathe. 

They lay there comfortably like that for a while, both of them basking in each other’s scents and letting the fact that this was real soak into their brains. 

Finally, Jungkook pulls his head out and scoots up until he’s face to face with Yoongi again. He’s a little alarmed by the determined expression that the Alpha is suddenly sporting, but the fact that he can’t stop staring at Yoongi’s lips gives him a clue as to what he’s thinking. 

“You were my first kiss, you know. My only kiss, actually,” Jungkook whispers, throwing an arm across the other’s waist to draw him closer. 

“What? You mean that - “ Yoongi sputters, both because of the revelation and because Jungkook’s body against his is rock hard. 

“The time I kissed you at my 18th birthday. You thought I was just being drunk and weird, but I meant it.” 

“I just assumed you didn’t remember and I didn’t want to embarrass you.” 

“I remember. You know what else I remember? You kissed me back.” 

A blush blooms in Yoongi’s cheeks, because he had. He’d been unable to resist when he’d felt Jungkook’s soft lips against his own. Just like he’d been unable to resist jerking off over the incident for a couple weeks after. 

“I...uhh - “

“You should do it again.” 

Jungkook’s face was now hovering right over his, his lips so close that he could feel his breath on his face. 

“I should?” 

“Kiss me, Yoongi,” Jungkook whispers, and he is done for. 

He shoots up and smashes his lips against Jungkook’s, not even caring that their teeth had managed to hit each other. He still kisses like Yoongi remembers - desperate and unreserved, like kissing Yoongi was the only thing keeping him alive. Jungkook cradles Yoongi’s cheek and softly moans into his mouth, and Yoongi has never felt so desired in his entire life. Just from a simple kiss. 

He can feel himself leaking so much that his pants are probably drenched and taking them off sounds like a great idea. 

He pulls away from the kiss and Jungkook whimpers cutely in denial, making Yoongi grin smugly. He laces a hand through Jungkook’s hair and tries to grab his attention. The other meets his gaze, although it’s dazed with a little more than simple arousal, he thinks.

“Jungkook, you good?” 

He silently nuzzles against Yoongi’s cheek. 

“Kook?” 

Still nothing. 

“Alpha?” 

Jungkook rumbles, huffing a little as he seeks out Yoongi’s gland again. 

“Holy shit. Are you scent high right now?” Yoongi laughs as suddenly all of his doubts vanish. 

The only way that someone could get scent high was with bonded mates, as it was usually meant as a way for an Omega mate to calm their Alpha. That they weren’t even bonded yet and it affected Jungkook like this was a true testament to how he felt about him. Although, he was sure the fact that the other was still new to scents played a part as well. 

“Jungkook. Come on, baby Alpha, I’m sure you’re having a grand time, but you need to sober up a bit before we can do more.” 

Jungkook blinks like he’s trying to understand. 

“Mate? Mine?” 

“Yes, but you need to snap out of it if you want to do something about it.” 

Yoongi slaps a hand over his scent gland making the Alpha whine. 

“Come on, Kook. Breathe regular air.” 

Yoongi waits for a few moments, observing the flush on Jungkook’s cheeks lighten as he pants. Honestly, he looked cute as hell like this and he’d have to let him do it as much as he wants another time, but today he wanted it special. 

“Yoongi?” Jungkook’s eyes were still a bit dilated, but he definitely sounded more coherent. 

“Yeah, baby. You with me?” 

Jungkook’s lips turned up in a dopey smile as he giggled down at Yoongi. 

“You called me baby.” 

Yoongi flushed, shifting around a little in embarrassment. 

“Yup. Anyway, you uh...you good?

Jungkook nods. “I’m good. You just smell really fucking amazing.” 

“Yeah, well. So do you. Nice for an Alpha,” Yoongi mumbles as he reaches up to ruffle his hair nervously. 

“So I wasn’t really planning on entertaining, but we have some music and snacks. I dunno, cards? I wasn’t really planning on doing much except sleeping.” 

“Yoongi,” Jungkook quirks an eyebrow. “You have an Alpha mate in your nest, I can smell you’re soaked with slick. You wanna play cards?” 

“Well, uh...no. I didn’t want to just assume. We don’t have to do anything if it's to soo - mrrhwpof!” 

Jungkook silenced him with his lips, kissing him as passionately as he had before. He pulled away only to sit up and tear off his shirt, tugging on Yoongi’s to get him to do the same. He shuffled up and pulled his off all while staring at Jungkook’s chest. He’d seen the other shirtless countless times of course, but he’d never allowed himself to really look. 

“Kook, how often do you actually work out?” 

“Six days a week. I rest on Sundays.” 

“Uh huh. And how long are your workouts?” 

“Depends on what I’m focusing on that day. At least an hour or two. Why?” Jungkook asked as his eyes narrow with suspicion. A moment later he grins mischievously. “Hyung, do you have a kink you wanna tell me about?” 

“No, fuck you. Just wondering why you look like you’re made of fucking stone. Totally uncomfortable. Like trying to sleep on a rock.” 

“Sure. Whatever you say,” Jungkook chuckles and grabs him, easily picking him up and rolling them to settle Yoongi on top. He stares down at the smirking Alpha half startled, half very aroused. 

“I bet I could easily pick you up and fuck you against a wall sometime if you wanted. Maybe even have you straddle my shoulders and I could suck you off that way,” Jungkook muses so matter of factly despite the subject matter, and Yoongi can feel himself get wetter by the second. 

Okay, so maybe he might have a little strength kink. 

Suddenly impatient, Yoongi shuffles out of his pants and flings them across the room. Just as quickly, he reaches over and begins tugging on Jungkook’s pants, the other helpfully lifting up. The Alpha’s previous cocky expression is gone as his more familiar startled doe eyes make an appearance. Yoongi can literally hear him gulping as his pants are finally thrown in the general direction of Yoongi’s. 

The Omega licks his lips as he stares down at his prize. He remembered seeing a flash a few times of pre-presented Jungkook, and he’d been maybe a little larger than the average Beta. Now he was an Alpha, a Prime Alpha at that, and he was easily the largest that Yoongi had ever seen in person. He was almost afraid of it. 

“How do you want me, Alpha?” Yoongi purred, trailing a finger down the leaking cock in front of him. 

Jungkook released the lip he was chewing on, staring up at Yoongi in awe. 

“Whatever you want. You’re in charge.” 

Yoongi paused, peering at him in confusion. 

“Me? You’re an Alpha in the middle of claiming and you want me to be in charge?” 

Jungkook nodded his head rapidly. “Yeah, hyung. Love you, wanna be good for you.” 

Yoongi forced his jaw to snap shut, shaking his head. He didn’t know why he was so surprised. This was his Jungkook after all, despite his newly acquired knot. 

“Kook, are you...still....uh...”

“Yeah. I messed around a little bit once when I thought you were going to mate that jackass ex of yours, and I tried to move on. Never went all the way though.” 

“Shit.” 

“It’s okay, hyung. I trust you.” 

Yoongi nodded distractedly, observing the perfect body under him. He leaned over and pressed a featherlight kiss to the corner of Jungkook’s mouth, urging him to release the bottom lip he was chewing on. The Alpha sighed at the contact, letting Yoongi kiss his lips softly before moving. He pressed light kisses everywhere simply because he could. The fact that he could kiss Jungkook as much as he wanted and the other actually wanted him to was amazing to him. He kissed his nose, his forehead, his cheeks, his chin - everywhere until the Alpha was giggling. 

Yoongi smirked as he moved down because he knew the little Alpha wasn’t going to be laughing for long. 

Suddenly he moved down to Jungkook’s neck, sucking the skin hard as the other gasped and bucked underneath him. He pulled back and kissed the forming bruise before he glanced up at Jungkook. 

The Alpha was already whimpering. Still as sensitive as ever. 

Yoongi peeked at the dark and perky nipples on Jungkook’s chest with glee, realizing he was about to get the answer to a question he’d always wondered. Seokjin often complained about how hard Jungkook was to wake up and how he usually had to resort to extreme measures, like splashing him with water or twisting his nipples. Apparently, they were extremely sensitive and Yoongi had frequently wondered how sensitive. He’s seen videos where guys can get off just by playing with them alone, and he wondered if Jungkook could do it. 

Without giving the other any warning he went straight to work, sucking a pebbled nipple harshly. Jungkook cried out with his head thrown back, reaching out to crush their hips together. Yoongi gaped in awe over how beautiful Jungkook looked in the throes of passion. 

“Hyung,” Jungkook panted, staring at Yoongi as he suckled and licked the Alpha mercilessly. “Yoongi, I know I said you’re in charge but I’m not gonna make it. I’m too excited and I want to be with you so bad...I can’t -” 

“What’s the matter, Kook? You gonna cum just from having your nipples licked? We haven’t even gotten to the good stuff yet,” Yoongi grinned as Jungkook whined. He could feel the Alpha twitching under him, and he suddenly worried that he really meant it when he said he couldn’t make it. 

“Alright, baby Alpha. Hyung will take mercy on you this time,” he sat up and patted the rock hard abs, chuckling when the other sighed in relief. 

And that was when Yoongi realized there was a problem. 

“Uh, hey Kook? Since you were the only one of us that knew this was going to happen, you brought condoms, right?” 

Jungkook looked adorable as he tried to focus enough to think, his sheepish grin telling Yoongi everything. 

“Really?” 

“Sorry, hyung.” 

Yoongi sighed. “Okay, just...you do realize that I don’t take anything, right? I love my heats and I have never wanted to take anything that would mess up my body or create problems later on. And I don’t take any form of birth control because I haven’t been seeing anyone. If we do this, I’m probably leaving this cave pregnant. I can suck you off or something if you want.” 

Jungkook suddenly growled and pressed his hips harder against Yoongi, frantically bucking against him. Yoongi observed the other curiously before breaking into a smirk. 

“Oh, it’s like that? Little Alpha wants pups, huh?” Yoongi teased, letting Jungkook’s cock slide across his slick hole. 

The Alpha whined breathily as he tried to sneakily press against Yoongi. 

“My Alpha wants to fill me up, lock me down,” Yoongi leaned over and moaned against Jungkook’s ear. He reached back a little and grabbed the Alpha’s cock, lining it up and sinking on it slowly. Thanks to Jungkook’s overwhelming Prime pheromones, Yoongi’s body has been acting like it was in preheat since the tunnel, meaning he didn’t have to do any prep because he was already soaking and naturally dilated, just waiting to be filled up. 

He leaned up and braced himself on Jungkook’s chest with his palms, totally not taking advantage and squeezing the muscled pecs underneath them. Seeing that the young Alpha was slowly losing control, he decided to be nice and fuck him good. 

He waited only a few moments to let himself get used to Jungkook’s massive size, sliding up and down as he rode him slowly, leaking so much slick he was getting it all over Jungkook’s hips. He couldn’t remember ever being as slick as this before, but it was certainly helping now. Jungkook was stretching him out so well he knew he’d be feeling this for days. 

“Alpha,” Yoongi moans, breath shaking desperately. “Jungkook, need you - ”

Jungkook suddenly grabbed Yoongi’s hips and bucked into him hard, over and over again until Yoongi was practically screaming his name. The cave echoed with the slaps of skin on skin, harsh panting and moaned endearments. 

“So good, Kook. Such a good Alpha for me,” Yoongi wailed as Jungkook reached up and pulled them together, chests flush and lips kissing each other sloppily. 

“Mine. My ‘mega,” Jungkook growled, tucking his face into Yoongi’s neck.

“Yeah, Alpha. You gonna mark me up?” Yoongi groaned, pressing his nails into the other’s shoulders. 

Jungkook nodded against his skin, hips still hammering into the other as he searched for the perfect spot. 

“Do it now, Kook. I’m gonna cum,” Yoongi moaned harshly, leaning over to settle his teeth against Jungkook’s scent gland. 

The first press of the Alpha’s teeth into his neck sent Yoongi over the edge, his cock spurting all over Jungkook’s chest as he made a mark of his own. Jungkook’s knot swelled inside of him, filling him up and locking them together. Yoongi pulled away from Jungkook’s neck, licking the wound to begin it’s healing. His own neck ached in the most amazing way as Jungkook lapped at it, and after a few moments, the bond began to settle. 

Yoongi’s eyes widened as the full depth of Jungkook’s emotions reached out to him over the bond, filling every crack of his broken soul like a balm. 

“You weren’t kidding,” Yoongi tried to joke, though his stupid feelings were making his voice crack. 

“No. I love you, always,” Jungkook smiled, leaning back against the pillows and bringing Yoongi with him. “And guess what? You love me. I can feel it.” 

Yoongi blushed but nodded as he snuggled into Jungkook’s neck, taking the opportunity to both hide his flustered face and get his fill of the Alpha’s scent. 

Yoongi lay sprawled across Jungkook’s chest as they waited for the knot to go down, silently kissing and nuzzling each other like a couple of ridiculous saps. When it finally slipped free, he grimaced and rolled off of the admittedly more comfortable than it looked chest and onto his back. He suddenly wished he’d thought to bring stuff for washing up. 

Jungkook reached over and grabbed the baby wipes from earlier, winking at Yoongi. He rolled his eyes but allowed the Alpha to clean them both up as best as he could. When he was done he cuddled up against Yoongi’s side, slowly rubbing the Omega’s stomach. Yoongi scoffed at how obvious Kook was. 

“So, that was quick but good, right? How’s it feel to not be a virgin anymore, baby Alpha?” Yoongi teased, running his fingers through the other’s hair. 

Jungkook snorted and glanced up at him. “Good hyung. Just happy it was you.” 

“Mmmm, good. We can nap now?” 

“Yes,” Jungkook chuckles, “We can nap now. Not like I could have stopped you.” 

“Good,” Yoongi yawns loudly and throws a couple of blankets over them, tangling their legs together. “Later we can try the thing with the nipples.” 

Jungkook sputters. “What?” 

“Nothin. Go to sleep.” 

The Alpha grumbles but slowly stills as they give into their exhaustion. 

Suddenly, Yoongi’s eyes shoot open and he gasps. 

“Oh shit! Your brother is going to kill me!” 

Jungkook merely laughs.

[askpolylosersclub]

What’s the craziest thing each of you have done?

Um...basically I’m normal and the rest of these guys are fucking crazy weirdos who do disgusting and/or dangerous shit on a regular basis. For Bill it’s daily. For Richie it’s hourly. Ben is probably the least problematic...but he still does stupid stuff sometimes (you’d be surprised) Mike does stupid stuff kinda often to help other people or to help animals. These are just the ones that instantly spring to mind —>

BEN

- Sometimes runs so fast and for so long that he literally throws up. Like he pushes his body to the limits and beyond on a regular basis and nothing we say seems to make a difference. He’s always fine after somehow (I’d be fucking dead). I’ve even heard him say that if he pukes he feels like he can finally stop...

- On that note to do with Ben being a fitness freak, I’ve seen him eat protein powder STRAIGHT OUT OF THE TUB...just dry without any water or anything because he was ‘in a rush’. You’d have thought it was gonna end up like the cinnamon challenge but Ben’s clearly so fucking hardcore he didn’t even react.

- Ben drank so much once when we were at a bar that the bartender A) Called an ambulance just out of principle and B) When he realised that Ben was actually somehow fine and it was confirmed by the paramedics, he gave us all of our drinks for free and took a picture of Ben and it’s up behind the bar in a frame.

MIKE

- Mike ripped apart a barbed wire fence with his BARE HANDS once when we were on a walk and found a foal with its leg tangled up in the wire. Then he CARRIED it to the vet - all the way, and he wouldn’t let me or Stan help because he didn’t want us to get blood all over us the way he did. (Believe me he did - he was fucking COVERED in blood and you couldn’t even tell if it was his or from the horse) We must’ve walked almost 2 miles with Mike with his hands and arms all cut up carrying a 150lb foal. We had to go to the hospital right after and Mike had to get stitches in his hands.

- On a similar note...Mike has been attacked by not one, not two, but THREE raccoons on separate occasions and they were all for different but equally dumb reasons. The first time he was trying to help one that had a broken leg and it bit him. We drove him straight to the hospital AGAIN because we were terrified he was gonna get rabies or something (well, I was) even though he kept saying he was fine. The second time he got his arms all scratched up ‘rescuing’ one from the loft space in our old house. And the third time he was trying to feed one...and he got bit again...

- The number of times he has gotten himself hurt doing gardening or DIY is absolutely insane. But he will literally just keep going like there’s nothing wrong even if there’s blood pouring down his leg because he sliced it open on a piece of broken fence in our yard while he was fixing it, or the one time he stood on a huge old nail and it went through the sole of his shoe into his foot, and he just PULLED IT OUT HIMSELF AND KEPT WALKING AROUND LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.

BEV

- Bev glued one of her eyelids shut once with some sort of eyelash glue and she had to go to the ER to have it soaked off...also turns out she was allergic and her eye was so swollen she couldn’t even open it for two days. She said she bought the kit online from China and it cost her 50 cents... leading off from that she has tried to wax parts of her body that you shouldn’t try to wax by yourself with cheap products when you don’t know what you’re doing, because...you won’t be able to get it off...and it will bleed...and the only people you live with who can help you are all guys...

- She’s a MENACE when we go out together to a bar or a club or whatever because Bev’s pretty chill most of the time and she’s used to guys hitting on her, but if someone is inappropriate with her...like touches her without her consent or says something gross, she FLIPS. I mean you can’t blame her because I flip about it too but Bev flips long before any of us step in. I’ve seen her cuss out guys like 5 times her size in the middle of a crowded bar. I’ve seen her reduce a guy to tears before because he touched her boob and then laughed about it with his friends. I’d be worried about her if we weren’t always with her...but to be fair Bev can take care of herself...

- Whenever we go on holiday or we have a day out together, Bev will be the first to do whatever potentially fun but dangerous thing we all end up doing once she has led the way. Like she’ll jump (sometimes FULLY naked) straight into lakes/rivers/reservoirs/the sea even when it’s super stormy...you name it. She runs outside ALL THE TIME when it’s raining with no shoes on and no jacket. She touches weird bugs, she eats weird food, she talks to weird people. I mean...sometimes I think it must be nice to just enjoy life so much that nothing will get in your way of that enjoyment but...chill.

STAN

- You might think Stan would be right there with me stopping everyone else from doing dumb dangerous shit, and you’d be right most of the time, but BELIEVE ME he is not exempt from this list. I mean he IS best friends with Richie...so what do you expect?

- The lengths Stan will go to to get closer to or take a good picture of a fucking bird is INSANE. He climbs trees, he goes to the VERY EDGE of cliffs and dangerous rock faces, he hangs out of the windows of tall buildings, he gets onto THE ROOF OF OUR HOUSE. Honestly either he is the luckiest person alive or he’s an incredibly skilled climber because he hasn’t once been even slightly hurt or even mildly scared. He still comes back pristine.

- I dunno if this even counts as being crazy or dangerous, but I’m gonna put it on here because I think it counts. Stan works WAY TOO MUCH. And when I say that I don’t just mean long shifts, I mean like...doesn’t even come home from the office for days at a time. Literally doesn’t sleep, just works overnight. We joke about him having an affair but honestly I think I’d rather that than knowing he’s just sitting by himself in his office in the dark still working all night and substituting sleep with coffee. Clearly he’s doing something right because Stan’s doing even better than the rest of us career-wise and he’s fucking LOADED cash-wise...but sleep-wise and sanity-wise??? Fucked.

BILL

- Let’s face it, except for Richie, Bill is the most dangerous, clumsiest, most accident prone of all of us. He’s like Richie 2.0 (but much less annoying) If I had to guess who out of the 7 of us is probably gonna die first I would definitely say Bill, and that TERRIFIES THE SHIT OUT OF ME, guys.

- Bill will literally do ANYTHING on a dare. And when he spends so much time with Richie, that’s a deadly combo. Like I genuinely think if Richie dared Bill to go outside and eat dog shit off the sidewalk he would do it (ugh) If Richie told him to walk into the road in front of a moving car I think he would do it...guys I’m terrified. Considering Bill is basically the ‘leader’ of our group...at least we still say so even though it hasn’t been a thing since we were kids, he does EVERYTHING Richie (and Stan) tell him to. They’re like the evil masterminds behind everything.

- When I say Bill is clumsy, I mean...BILL IS THE FUCKING CLUMSIEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Is it adorable? Yeah, kinda. Is it scary how clumsy he is? DEFINITELY. Bill could still trip over his shoelaces if his shoes were in another room. He helps Mike with a lot of DIY stuff, and where Mike occasionally hurts himself even while he’s being careful, Bill is GUARANTEED to get hurt no matter what. HE MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS.

RICHIE

- Holy fucking shit, where do I even start? You name it, Richie has tried to eat it, drink it, smoke it or insert it into SOME part of his body. Like I can’t keep track of him all the time, guys! IM ONLY ONE PERSON I ONLY HAVE TWO EYES. Which is ironic, because Richie’s only gonna have one eye eventually...and one arm...and one leg...and no eyebrows...I just...I can’t...

- Where Bill does stupid stuff because either he does it accidentally or he’s told to, Richie does it BY CHOICE. He literally walks down the sidewalk, and his dumb ass is like ‘If I tried to do a backflip, even though I’m the least athletic person on planet earth and I cannot nor have I ever been able to do a backflip, off the hood of this car, that would be awesome like that would be SICK’ His fucking amoeba idiot brain is like ‘I wonder what a snail would taste like? Welp, THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT, HAH HAH HAH’ <- That’s Richie’s dumbass brain laughing

- Aside from hurting himself, Richie has been ARRESTED (Yes, full on by the actual POLICE ARRESTED) SEVEN TIMES. SEVEN (7) FUCKING GODDAMN TIMES.

7 times...

I can’t do this anymore.

Send help.

- Eddie

[assless-chapstick]

I need your help because your writing is the dirtiest best fucking thing I’ve ever read Eagle Flies is slept on goddamit Is it possible Eagle Flies is poly or in one of your au’s? I haven’t seen ships for him so I’m open to your interpretation of where he might fall, either in the couch au or somewhere else Pls I beg of you, give me some nsfw eagle flies Either him getting rammed or doing the ramming, I can’t quite pin down if he’s a top a bottom or a switch- I’ll give you my soul for this

Aw feller, you know I’m a good cowpoke at heart…. I can’t deny aid to a feller in need….

I wracked my brain for hot minute on this one…. The thing with Eagle Flies is that he doesn’t have a lot of characterization on the game, does he? And in canon he’s a fair bit younger than the main crew, I’d say… but I think I got something good for you…

So, the couch AU; back when John was a kid, he went to some sort of youth group designed for outreach to at-risk youth, probably some sort of sports program or something. That’s where Dutch worked, that’s how Dutch and John met, after John went into foster care and Arthur started living with Dutch n Hosea ….

Anyway I think John and Eagle Flies are around the same age and they both were part of that youth group… I feel like they didn’t get on super well, both with kind of rowdy personalities, eager to prove themselves and prone to fighting to solve problems.

Oh yeah and then… and then….

They both get into track, into running, sprinting…. Both good at it, and Dutch laughs about “healthy competition” when he watches them run and it’s infuriating but they do do better when they’re competing against one another….

They end up going to the same highschool, running on the same track team, and both get recruited by colleges once they graduate – crazy coincidence, right? Except John gets recruited to go to state and Eagle Flies gets recruited by like, a Good College Out of State (his grades are better than John’s anyway) and John’s like pfft good riddance.

Couple years later and of course, of course, who should John see at the big track meet in sophomore year? Eagle fucking Flies. And it’s only been a couple years but Christ did he have a glowup, as much as John hates to admit it – while John stayed lanky and skinny and kinda scrawny (no matter how much of Arthur’s expensive whey protein powder he steals), Eagle kinda filled out, got a little broader in the shoulders, slimmer in the face so his chin and cheekbones are sharp enough to cut a bitch….

And he’s just so fucking hot and how did John never notice and now he really has to beat Eagle Flies, wipe that smug look off his face and show him that John had a glow up of his own!!

But John doesn’t win. Doesn’t even place and he’s pissed, even though his coach is saying his time was great, walks right by her to the locker room in a big fuckin huff… he needs to smoke a joint and calm down asap, feels so angry he might crawl out of his skin if he don’t relax soon… he doesn’t even notice Eagle trailing after him.

So he’s in the locker room, shirtless, still hot and sticky with sweat and wearing those absurdly tiny runner’s shorts, the ones that make his junk look huge, and he’s smoking his joint and just starting to feel better when Eagle Flies comes in…. His hair is down and he’s sweaty and he looks so good…

And Eagle is all “you ran a good race” and John goes like “yeah, fuck you,” cuz he’s not in the mood for teasing and gloating… so Eagle is like “fine, you’re gonna be like that, let me just tell the coach how much it smells like weed in here” and he turns to go and John stands up, reaches out and grabs Eagle’s wrist…

And it’s like Eagle was expecting it, the way he whirls around and grabs John’s arm and pins him up against the lockers and John is bracing himself to get hit but Eagle just looks at him real thoughtful and then John is sure they’re gonna kiss…

But Eagle just lets him go, looks at him kinda sad and is like “what’d I ever do to you, John? We were just kids. Whatever I did, just let it go, ok?” and John kinda realizes like…. He’s been holding this judge against Eagle Flies for years even though all the competitiveness and inferiority and frustration John had felt as a kid towards Eagle had really been like, him projecting his insecurities outwards. Eagle never did nothin, he was just there and good at the same thing John was good at and taking away the only positive adult attention John’d ever known and he hated Eagle for that, but it weren’t his fault either… Eagle’d just been a kid back then, too…

And so John apologizes, they don’t talk about it much but he apologizes and it’s heartfelt and true and then it’s a little awkward cuz they’re standing there, a little too close together to be normal… and Eagle says, real low, so quiet, like confessional, “Man, I had such a crush on you in high school…” and he’s got his thumb pressed against John’s lips, peels the bottom one down to push into his mouth, run his thumb over John’s stupid tongue piercing and John is so weak for confidence and has an oral fixation a mile wide…. So of course he doesn’t hesitate, immediately goes into Feral Horny more and starts sucking, makes some real wet, desperate moaning noises….

And most people what know John, Arthur and Charles and everyone, they’re used to it, but Eagle Flies has never seen him like this, falls hard for it, all “yah, you like that?” and John just nods and moans….

But things never change, really, so it gets competitive between them like all things do… Eagle shoves down John’s shorts to stroke his dick and John can’t be the one to just let things happen so he grabs Eagle’s ass and pulls them close together so they can grind up against one another… and I think they don’t kiss, just pant desperately into one another’s mouths, eyes locked, watching one another like they’re waiting for the other to break… trying to make the other one cum without cumming himself, each one wanting to outdo the other…

And then Eagle starts to stroke them together, and John looks down and sees how good their cocks look together, how Eagle Flies's is dark n leaking and just a little bigger than his own and then he’s watching himself cum all over Eagle Flies’s long, thin fingers and the head of his cock and it feels so fucking good… and Eagle keeps stroking and the stimulation is starting to hurt and John’s whimpering and squirming where he’s still pinned to the locker, and he hates the smug sounding grunt Eagle makes when he cums so hard it spatters on John’s stomach and his pale thighs…..

Cuz John…. Lost….. again….

And afterwards, after Eagle has wiped his hand off on John’s sweaty chest and made him lick his fingers clean, John sits on the bench and lights up a smoke, feeling satisfied but kinda smad about cumming first, and Eagle Flies is just like “maybe you could beat me if you didn’t smoke so much…” and leaves and John nearly screams cuz fUCK THAT GUY

After that, they hang out whenever Eagle is in town or they’re at the same meet, sometimes getting each other off, sometimes not… When Eagle and Paytah get married a couple years later, John is invited to the wedding… Paytah wears traditional regalia (and identifies as two-spirit) and it’s beautiful……

Thanks for the great and challenging prompt, mister!! I hope it satisfies!!!

[behardonyourself]

Plant Based Protein Sources

The first question that I get when people find out that I do not eat any animal based products is “How do you get your protein?”  Speaking with other Vegan athletes, it appears that this question is the most common question that they encounter.

I have explained in previous posts:  NO athlete requires the amount of protein that is perpetuated by personal trainers, “strength coaches”, bodybuilding magazines, online message boards, or the like - they parrot “1 gram  of protein (or more) per pound of body weight” repeatedly, and it is completely ridiculous.  They also typically champion sipping down 2-3 protein shakes per day, yet, can’t figure out why they’re bloated and gassy.  

Nonetheless, it isn’t difficult for a plant based athlete to get protein without eating animal products.  One of the biggest flaws that athletes and weekend warriors make (especially when they want to lose body fat) is to repeatedly eat the same things over and over again.  This is a huge mistake.  No matter what type of nutritional program/strategy you employ, it is important to eat a wide variety of foods to ensure that you’re getting a full complement of vitamins, minerals, amino acids, etc.

I eat a wide variety of non-animal based protein sources, and I thought I would share a few of my favorite sources along with their protein content.  Remember, that most of my meals include a wide variety of these sources.

Nuts! This one is the most obvious, as most nut sources (cashews, almonds, pistachios, pecans, walnuts, macadamian nuts) are all dense sources of protein and Vegan/plant based staples.

Protein: 10g per 1 cup

Pumpkin Seeds One of my personal favorites, roasted pumpkin seeds are one of my favorite snacks, and they’re great in most any type of dish or “Vegan Plate”.  

Protein: 10g per 1/4 cup

Chia Seeds My wife knows that Chia Seeds are my new favorite item to include whenever I can.  Loaded with healthy fats and a great protein source, they also have many other traits that athletes find desirable, including increased circulation.  I include these as toppings to many dishes and add these to smoothies whenever I can.

Protein: 6g per 1/4 cup.  Also 14 grams of fiber per 1/4 cup!

Flax Seeds Not only a source of Omega 3 Fatty Acids, but also a dense source of protein.  I use these similar to the way I use Chia, adding the whenever possible.

 Protein: 3g per 2Tbspn (along with 4g of fiber)

Quinoa No superfood list is complete without quinoa, one of the few plant based products that includes all 9 essential amino acids.  

Protein: 6g per 1/4 cup

Rice While I view rice predominantly as a source of carbohydrates, different varieties are used so often in plant based dishes that the protein content cannot be ignored.

Protein: 4.5g per 1 cup

Oats This breakfast favorite is known for fiber content (both soluble and insoluble).  I prefer steel cut (and never eat “instant” anything).

Protein:  7g per 1/2 cup

Beans Literally hundreds of varieties, beans are inexpensive and absolutely loaded with protein and fiber - they were the one “no-brainer” for this list, but I wanted you to read down a bit further.  My favorite types are kidney, black, and pinto, they are a staple of every Vegan and plant powered athlete’s meal plan.

Protein:  10g per 1/2 cup along with 10g of dietary fiber

Chickpeas I mean, they use these to make hummus, so it has to be great.  It took me forever to find them in the store because I didn’t know that they were also called Garbanzo beans, chickpeas kick ass on salads, One Bowls, and even as a snack.

Protein:  6g per 1/2 cup

Lentils I leave cooking lentil dishes to my wife, because I haven’t exactly figured it out yet.  However, these things are loaded in protein, and are a must for all plant powered athletes.

Protein:  13g per 1/4 cup

Peas While a cup of peas only has about 2g of protein, I had to include it because it is typically found in Vegan protein powders, is inexpensive, and is easy to find in most US grocery stores.

Soybeans The highest consumed food in the world, and for good reason - they are completely loaded with protein and contain all 9 essential amino acids.

Protein:  15g per 1/4 cup

Tofu I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t starting to grow on me, as it is very versatile and offers great flavor to a lot of the new dishes that I’ve been experimenting with.  Oh, and since it’s made from soybeans, it’s a kick-ass source of protein.

Protein:  12g per 4 ounces

If you’re considering going plant based, I believe that these sources are more than enough to get you started and keep you in a positive nitrogen balance.  The myth that you can’t maintain (or even gain) lean body mass as a plant based athlete is completely false.  More and more athletes from the NFL, NBA, MLB, Tennis, Mixed Martial Arts, Boxing and other sports are going to a plant based diet because of the numerous health benefits including decreased inflammation and better recovery.  

Remember, I’m less than 6 months into my journey, and thus far, I can say that going plant based has been one of the best decisions of my life, playing a huge role in my ultra-endurance training.  I’ve dropped nearly 70lbs, and have gone from not being able to run 1/4 mile to having limitless reserves in the pool, on the bike or running 20 miles and beyond in an incredibly short amount of time, and I am absolutely certain that my capacity for such an elevated training volume is 100% due to my plant powered nutrition.

(December 12, 2018 to May 12, 2019)

Obviously, this list isn’t all inclusive.  There are plenty of other protein-rich plant based foods:  Barley, freekeh, wheat berry, bulgar and others, but I wanted to include the foods that I eat on a regular basis to get the level of protein I need to maintain lean body mass while optimizing my extremely intense training schedule (over 25 hours per week).  

[thedefinitionofbts]

In Your Eyes

Pairings: Jeon Jungkook x Reader ft. the rest of BTS

Genre: Fluff, Comedy, Drabble

Words: 2.5K

Description: Jungkook is not adept at interacting with girls, especially not ones he’s been crushing on for years. 

A/N: Because I really needed this after all the Jungkook angst. 

“Doing 10 more reps is not going to make you feel any better you know.”

Jungkook grunts, before placing the weight back on the rack. 

“You’ve been at it for hours. Take a break man.” Seokjin takes another sip from his water bottle, using the towel draped over his shoulder to wipe the trickle of sweat that’s started to run down from his forehead.

It had only been a couple of weeks ago that Seokjin started dragging the younger male along with him to the gym. He thought it’d take more convincing, but the mention of girls being attracted to fit guys was all it took to get Jungkook off the couch he’s been playing video games on for the past few months. He didn’t expect Jungkook to become this obsessed with weight training, didn’t think the nerd had it in him, but boy was he wrong. 

“I’m this close to hitting my goal body fat percentage.” Jungkook sits up from the bench and grabs his usual blend of protein powder and mineral water, biceps twitching as he lifts the bottle to pour the liquid down his throat.

“Don’t tell me you’re already treating this like gaming stats.”

“You need to have goals in your life.” 

“What’s the point? You don’t even take shirtless post-workout selfies.” Seokjin turns to face the mirror and begins stretching, admiring his self-proclaimed perfect face in the process. “And if you think your newly developed muscles are going to just translate over to your nonexistent social skills, I have some bad news for you bro.” 

“I just want to see improvement ok?” Jungkook defends, walking over to the next station. 

“You seriously think I don’t know the real reason you’re pushing yourself so hard?” Seokjin glances over to eye the sweaty boy who’s now moved on to legs. “You literally hid behind a bush when you saw her walking towards you last week.”

“I was still in my sweaty gym clothes!” Jungkook exclaims, as if it could pass as an excuse. 

“And what about the time you kept laughing after everything she said, even when it wasn’t meant to be funny?

“I was nervous.”

“When are you not when you’re around her?”

Jungkook doesn’t have a response to that. He knows Seokjin knows. There’s no point in hiding the fact that he’s harbored a crush on you since he saw you walking down the halls for the first time in high school.

“Do you want me to just talk to her for you?”

“What the hell? No!” Jungkook snaps back. “I mean, what would you even say?”

“Umm, hey Y/N, I have a friend who’s a couple years younger than both you and I. You know that kid who’s super awkward around new people and especially you because he’s had a huge crush on you for years now. So…you interested in going on a date with him?” Seokjin cracks up, unrestrained windshield wiper laugh reverberating through the gym making some annoyed heads turn.

“Fuck off” Jungkook mutters, rolling his eyes.

“Hey, I’m just trying to help.”

“Remind me why we’re friends?”

“Because I’m in the same year as her, and you kept asking me for updates when I left for college and you were still stuck in high school.”

Jungkook groans, he knew that decision would come back to haunt him, but he just couldn’t help himself back then could he?

 …

 “Dude” Taehyung sighs. “Just ask her out. The worst she can say is no.” He proceeds to pick up his controller after stuffing a hand full of chips into his mouth, talking mid-chew with eyes still glued to the screen.

“I can’t. It’ll crush every dream I’ve ever had.” Jungkook tilts his head up and squeezes his eyes shut. “And not in that way! You know what I mean!” He quickly adds before Taehyung’s eccentric mind can run off to god knows where. 

“You’re acting like her rejecting you is the end of the world.” The older male huffs, leaning back on the couch the two of them were huddled on. 

“It is!” Jungkook cries, burying his face in his hands.  

Taehyung shakes his head. “You’re so whipped. Just look at yourself. Training your ass off with Seokjin, wearing clothes you used to hate just because you think she might like guys who dress fancy.” Taehyung stops playing and turns to Jungkook. “Name brands were always my thing.”

“I borrowed that weird patterned shirt one time!” Jungkook exasperates, recalling how hideous he thought it was; yet still forcing himself to throw it on despite it not being his preferred style. “You’re never going to let it go are you?”

“It was Gucci!” Taehyung exasperates, making a clearly offended face.

 …

 “The way you literally choke on your words every time you try to say hi to her, does not match all of this.” Jimin gestures towards Jungkook’s perfectly proportioned body.

“What?” Jungkook crossed his arms defensively, making his practically see through white button up crinkle near the chest area.  

Jimin huffs a shortened laugh. “In case you actually don’t own a mirror-which sometimes I question if you do, you’re fucking hot.” Jimin’s voice echoes throughout the empty dance studio. He’s stopped stretching his legs and has begun examining his own hair in the mirror, running a hand through his soft locks and making sure they look on point like always.

The door to the studio opens and a sleepy Hoseok walks in. “All I heard is ‘you’re fucking hot’, and I don’t want to know the context.” He says as he drops his bag and begins changing into more comfortable shoes.  

“Hobi! You’re late.” Jimin accuses.  

“I worked an overnight shift.” The older male responds, letting out a long exhale before starting his routine warm-up.

“I see you’re back to Timberlands” Hoseok comments as he eyes Jungkook’s boots, clearly remembering Namjoon’s comment on how the boy is recently changing up his sense of fashion.

“I-I never moved on from them,” Jungkook says feeling a bit embarrassed as he looks down at his favorite pair of shoes. He knew he was going to be in the dance studio all day, so there was no need to dress to impress because he wouldn’t be seeing anyone (especially not you) except Hoseok and Jimin.

“He only dresses up when there’s a chance to run into you know who.” Jimin blurts out, causing the youngest male to run up and tackle him.

“Who? Y/N?” Hoseok asks raising a brow, interest sparked for the first time since he got out of bed today.

“Yeah, he thinks it’ll get her to notice him.”

“Hyung!” Jungkook whines.

“Hey, I wasn’t finished yet. I was about to add how unnecessary it is when you look good in everything anyways.“ Jimin flashes him an angelic smile, making Jungkook loosen his hold on him.  

“Oh, so that’s why you’ve been acting so weird lately.” Hoseok comes to realization. “Can’t blame you though, she’s really pretty and like what, 3 years older?”

“Almost 4” Jimin corrects.

Jungkook feels like he wants to crawl into a hole and never come out. Why were his friends like this? God, he shouldn’t have been so obvious about his crush on you, but he was never good at hiding his true feelings, especially not when his hyungs were all so observant. 

 …

  “Namjoon?” Jungkook begins to ask. “You think you could help me, uh, compose a song or something?”

Namjoon glances up from his laptop. “Yeah, sure. But can I ask why you suddenly want to do something I’ve been trying to spark your interest in for ages?”

“Oh no reason, just I, uh, wanted to, I mean…I-I like music?” Jungkook mentally curses for being so non-covert.

Namjoon chuckles lightly. “You want to write a song for Y/N right?” Namjoon grins, hitting the target and getting straight to the point.

“I-I….yeah…I guess that’s what I was considering.” Jungkook admits.

“Of course I’ll help, but you should probably allow her to get to know you before gifting her a random love song.” Namjoon laughs again. “That might just scare her off.”

“Y-yeah, I’m working on that.” Jungkook knows he’s hopeless. He’ll never gather the courage to actually talk to you, not when he’s barely able to look you in the eye when he’s attempting to just say hi. “I’m just bad at expressing my feelings or just talking to girls in general.”

Namjoon smiles warmly, dimples forming on the sides of his cheeks. “Honestly though, the best way is to just be yourself.” He encourages. “I’m sure she’ll find a lot of things about you to be charming.”

  …

  Jungkook’s never been one to strike up random conversations with strangers, but he figures Yoongi was just giving him a chance to practice honing his social skills. That is, until he sees you walking into the coffee shop. He immediately diverts his eyes, training his gaze onto the cars passing by outside and hoping that you’re not actually walking towards their table.

Yoongi didn’t mention who the person joining you guys was, and he prays his horrible instincts are being their normal horrible selves and that you won’t-

“Yoongi!”

This can’t be happening.

“Y/N!” Jungkook can practically see the signature half-smile plastered on Yoongi’s face, but no, he refuses to turn and acknowledge the reality of the situation.

No, this is not happening. Maybe if he closes his eyes-

“You’re Jungkook, right?” He hears the sweet melody of a females voice drift to his ears.

Fuck.

“H-h-hi” Jungkook says, clearing his throat and shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Glad you could make it, Y/N.” Yoongi says, smiling as if nothing was wrong, and pretending like this was the most natural situation he could’ve thrown the youngster in, and not purposefully set up at all. “I wanted to officially introduce the two of you. I know you’ve already met, but-”

Yoongi’s phone vibrates before he can finish. Jungkook watches intently as the male looks down and checks the message. “Oh, looks like Namjoon janked up the microwave again. I gotta go fix that shit before the guy starves or burns down the apartment trying to cook.” Yoongi puts on a fake sad face.

Yoongi can’t be leaving. Jungkook’s eyes widen in horror.

“You guys don’t mind if I head out right?”

Jungkook opens his mouth to protest but you reply before he has the chance to.

“Oh yeah, you go ahead. We’ll be fine.” You smile at Jungkook who glances at you shyly before fixing his large doe-eyes back on the empty table in front of him.

Yoongi sighs. “The guy has an IQ of a genius, but he’s a total klutz.”

Jungkook hears you laugh, but he’s sweating so much he wonders why the fucking AC in the shop feels like it’s turned off when it’s actually on full blast.  

 …

 “So you’re a college freshman now, right?” You turn to Jungkook after Yoongi leaves, trying to focus on creating a lighter mood. You’ve always known he was the extremely introverted type, someone who takes a while to open up.

“Y-yeah, starting soon, classes starting-” You giggle at the way he squeezes his eyes shut and mutters something under his breathe when his sentence doesn’t come out coherently.

“Hey, well congrats on surviving high school.” You still remember seeing him in the hallways back then, the scrawny kid who would look away every time you waved at him. You had asked Seokjin about it, but the older male just said he was a shy one. Seeing him act the same way now was utterly endearing, and you liked how his sweet personality hasn’t changed despite the noticeable transformation in his physique.

“High school, yeah.” Jungkook mutters. “Y-you’re uh, almost done with college right?” Jungkook winces at the way the pitch of his voice gradually got higher as he finished that last sentence. Because puberty still likes to pay him random visits now and then.  

You giggle again. “Yup, I’m in my last year, but I’ll be attending grad school at the same university.”

Jungkook’s eyebrows lift in surprise. “T-that means you’ll still be here…”

“Mmm-hm” You hum in confirmation. “So if you ever need help with school, hit me up.”

“Y-you’d do that?”

“Of course. We’ve known each other long enough.” You reply nonchalantly.

“Hehe, y-yeah. Known each other…”

“You know, on the outside you look like the type of guy who would just fuck a girl and leave, but on the inside you’re like super nerdy and a complete jokester with your friends. Am I right?” You give him a knowing look.

Jungkook’s jaw drops.

“Sorry, I should’ve been more refined with that statement. I guess what I’m trying to say is, you totally seem like the type who’s super soft but hides under a hardened shell.” You watch as an astonished expression washes over his face. “It’s the vibe you always given off.”

You still remember the days he was always dressed in a hoodie too big for him or that white shirt he must either continuously wash or own several of the same kind. You briefly wonder why he’s recently stopped sporting the style that you’ve grown to associate him with.

“Always?” He wonders how long you’ve been analyzing him to come up with such an accurate portrayal. He’s usually misunderstood.

“Yeah, ever since I first saw you back in high school. And I totally thought you hated me or something.” You chuckle, recalling how he seemed to avoid you at all costs. “You don’t actually… hate me right?” You slowly lift your eyes to meet his, waiting for a response.

“No!” Jungkook answers quicker than his reflexes can even allow. “Y/N, I’ve actually liked you since high school. Like, like-like. And I’m just so nervous around you and super socially awkward in general, and I didn’t want to come off weird and shit. Uh, fuck.” He blurts out, finally revealing his feelings that he’s kept hidden from you for so long. It’s the most embarrassing thing he’s done to date, and he swears he’ll hide away from society for good after this day. “Haha, wow, I can’t believe I just said that.” He bites his bottom lip, feeling his cheeks blossom into the darkest shade of rose that’s physically possible.

You feel your heart skip a beat as his confession, a feeling that gradually spreads as a soothing warmth throughout your chest. “A-actually, I have too.” You admit, voice soft and shy, much like his is 90% of the time.

Jungkook is speechless at that moment, just gaping at you for what feels like an eternity because this obviously can’t be real.

“W-what?” Jungkook feels like he’s in a dream. How was this possible? There’s no way you could’ve just admitted that you’ve had a crush on him too, and since fucking high school. This can’t be real. This can’t.

“Jungkook, I’ve liked you since then too.” You repeat, firmer this time because he looks like he’s in a daze. 

Jungkook has to swallow before replying because he’s still in the most shocked state he ever been in. “R-really?”

You nod, eyes gazing into his with a sincere resolve.

“Shit. I can’t believe. Wow.” Jungkook doesn’t know what to do with himself in that moment, but he’s so fucking relieved he feels like someone just transported him to heaven. This was actually real. “Wait, d-does that mean you’ll, uh… go out-”

“Yes, Jungkook.” You smile tenderly. “The answer is yes.”

...

[thebibliosphere]

Hi, mom, I have a question about allergies. I am allergic to certain types of laundry soap, the worst of which is tide. I suspect that I am allergic to the borax that's in these soaps, as it's a common ingredient in all of the ones I'm allergic to, but do you know of any way to figure out for sure what causes the reaction. As a side note, there isn't an allergist at the practice I go to anymore, but I do have a pulmonologist, if that matters at all. Thank you so much in advance!

Oh dear, I’m so sorry to hear you’re having issues with laundry detergent @colehence, but rest assured you are not alone in being allergic to things like Tide, it’s actually super common.You didn’t mention what your reactions were (and pulmonology is really only going to help if it’s triggering asthma) and while it’s possible you are reacting to the borax, it’s also entirely possible it’s the synthetic scents, the presence of sulfates (huge problem for a lot of us with chronic allergies or things like eczema) or any number of things in brands like Tide. The smell alone of regular Tide triggers respiratory distress in myself, the second worst thing after that being Downy fabric softener which we found out was triggering an allergic reaction which manifested as panic attacks and migraines for me from even just walking down the laundry aisle in the grocery store, so now I don’t. I will do a loop of the entire store to avoid the laundry aisle unless I have my vogmask with me. Cause fuck all that shit.

Even Tide’s “Free and Clear” range scores an F for failure and high levels of allergy and toxicity through EWG.org due to containing Ethanolamine, Benzisothiazolinone (also found in pesticides, fun!) as well as Sodium Borate (Borax) which are all known skin irritants and just generally non allergy friendly. So fuck Tide for pretending to actually make something “free and clear” when what they mean is “we didn’t add the neon blue or that weird chemical scent, enjoy your other major allergens though!”.

The only way to really test this on your own without an allergist, is to try alternative laundry detergent brands. Unfortunately actual free and clear detergents are more expensive, but well worth the investment if you can find a way to get them in bulk. Cause y’know not itching to death/having constant headaches and coughs as well as clean clothes should be an attainable goal for everyone, not just people without allergies.

I have three brands I know I can use without major issue. And because this is going to get long, I will put the full ingredient list of each one under a cut <3

Planet 2x Ultra Laundry Detergent Free & Clear*

Whole Foods Organic Liquid Laundry Detergent, Unscented**

Seventh Generation Powder Detergents: aka I will die on the hill of this brand, I just wish it was more affordable.****

Another thing worth checking for along with trying to avoid borax is methylisothiazolinone which is in virtually every commercial main brand of everything cause it’s a highly effectiveantimicrobial and preservative. 

And it’s also highly effective at making me dead cause I can’t have anything that contains it in the house, no hand soaps, no laundry, no perfumes, no candles no nothing. Even all of ETD’s things, his soaps, shampoo, lotions, sunscreen, all of it had to go because just even him using it was making my skin break out. Which is unacceptable when you smooch as much as we do. Methylisothiazolinone is also often used hand in hand with benzisothiazolinone, which you may remember from our good worst friend Tide. So that’s another thing to watch out for, even if one isn’t listed, they often go hand in hand together.

Other brands which are low allergen and don’t contain borax but I haven’t personally tried are: 

 Biokleen Free & Clear, 

Ecover (which my mother has been using for literal decades, it’s great if you can get it but I struggle to find it over here at a reasonable price so I didn’t list it up there) 

Attitude: Little Ones Laundry Detergent (Fragrance Free),

Fit Organic Laundry Detergent (Free and Clear), 

and Green Shield Organic, which even their scented ones test low on allergens, so I may need to check those out.

Brands to AVOID if you have skin issues or respiratory allergies include:  

Tide in all shapes and forms, (I’m sorry, I know it’s cheap but compare that to the cost of your allergy meds/asthma meds and oh boy is it suddenly not worth it.) 

Wallgreens “Nice!” brand. 

Ajax. (it burns)

Kirkland Signature (you can hear the Costco lovers screaming) 

Arm and Hammer (yes really, even their free and clear contains sodium alylyr aryl ether sulfate which is a medium range allergy risk for skin and respiratory issues) 

J.R. Watkins ‘Natural’ Liquid Laundry Detergent, Fragrance Free (they don’t actually list what their surfactants are but based on my reaction I think it’s wheat based) 

and lastly, the insidious Mrs. Meyer’s Clean Day product range which can honeslty just jump off a cliff with their synthetic fragrances and their methylisothiazolinone and all their other crap they hide behind their “we use essential oils so we’re SAFE” marketing horseshit. I’d literally rather gargle glass than touch any of their products again. It’d have roughly the same effect on my throat and lungs.

Anyway…I hope some of this is helpful for you in trying to work out if it is your laundry cleaning that is causing you the issue. If you want to hit me up on IM (I will be opening it up again this weekend) to chat allergies and what have you, I am totally down with that :) Take care!

*Planet 2x Ultra Laundry Detergent Free & Clear (liquid): Sodium Carbonate, Stearic Acid, Water, Sodium Gluconate, Lauryl Glucoside, PPG-5-Laureth-5 (possible skin irritant) and Laureth-7 (possible skin irritant).

I want to like this brand cause it’s easy for me to get hold of and it’s fairly cheap as “eco friendly” detergents go, but it just kind of doesn’t clean all that well. The powder one cleaned great! Unfortunately it has borax in it and a thing called C-10-16 Pareth-1 which as well as being a high risk ingredient for allergy and asthma sufferers, is also apparently raising some cancer concerns, so out the window that went. Except not really cause it’s not good for the environment and I didn’t want to give the squirrels cancer or something. idk, I worry about those things.

The liquid however is low allergy, it just didn’t seem to work very well in my hard water for when it came to cleaning. Other people might have better luck with it.

**Whole Foods Organic Liquid Laundry Detergent, Unscented: Soapbark, Glycerin, Sodium Carbonate, Sodium Bicarbonate, Sea Salt, Saponofied Cocos (coconut) Oil, Water, Xanthum Gum (yay gluten free. I wish I was kidding†.) Guar Gum, Thymus Satureioides, Aloe Vera Juice Powder, Sapindus Mukurossi and Acacia Senegal Gum.This is the brand I am currently using cause I wanted to try out cause I can apparently get 200 washes for $16 a bottle, which makes it way ahead of all the others in terms of price matching, and also to see if it worked better than other organic brands I’ve tried, which generally fell short of the mark when it came to actually lifting the dirt out of clothes. And it does actually really work well, I’m enjoying using it, if you can say such a thing about laundry detergent. Ewg.org does flag up some of their ingredients as high risk for asthma and respiratory reactions (acacia senegal gum is apparently not good for the lungs) but I’ve had zero skin or respiratory reactions to it, so I’ll keep using it until the bottle runs out and I can try something else.Ewg.org actually rates their non organic 365 Everyday Value 2X Concentrated Powder Laundry Detergent, Unscented*** as better for the environment, as well as being fairly safe for skin allergies, so that’s what I might try after my giant bottle of 200 washes runs out.

***Whole Foods 365 Everyday Value 2X Concentrated Powder Laundry Detergent, Unscented:  Vegetable Soap, Sodium Chloride, Sodium Carbonate, Sodium Metasilicate (possible skin irritant) and Alcohol Ethoxylates (c12) (possible skin irritant)

****Seventh Generation Natural Laundry Detergent Powder:Sodium Carbonate, Sodium Bicarbonate, Sodium Citrate, Sodium Silicate (water softeners and alkalinity builders), Zeolite (water softeners and alkalinity builders), Fatty Alcohol/Ethoxylated Fatty Ester Blend (coconut and corn-derived cleaning agents), Polyglucose (coconut and corn-derived cleaning agents), Magnesium Sulfate, Sodium Sulfate (performance enhancers), Sodium Percarbonate (non-chlorine bleach), Carboxymethyl Inulin (antiredeposition agents), Carboxymethylcellulose (antiredeposition agents), Protease (non-animal derived enzymes), Cellulase (non-animal derived enzymes), Oleic Acid (plant-derived anti-foaming agents) 

Seventh Generation is one of those rare few brands, where I am not allergic to their scents. I once switched to Trader Joe’s Organic Scented (powder) laundry, only to discover really quickly that they can’t actually verify whether their essential oils being used are cold or steam pressed. But I can tell you from my reaction to it, they’re not. They’re cheap synthetic alcohol based ones and if your allergies focus on synthetic scents, avoid TJ stuff like the plague until they get their ass in gear and actually source their scents better. Seventh generation POWDER detergents however, are the bomb, they work really well in my hard water due to added water softeners, and I can tolerate their scented versions through they are increasingly harder to find. 

Their liquid ones however, do contain methylisothiazolinone which is a high concern for allergies, respiratory issues and is really not good for the fishes if not polluting out earth is something you are concerned about.

†A lot of “healthy” brands are using wheat protein in things as a surfactant now, and for some of us that really can be an issue if we have allergies to wheat in any way or form. I found this out the hard way when I used a shampoo that contained it and broke out in body wide hives and had to drench myself in aloe vera and take all my meds to stop the itching, and even then I looked burned for several days until it calmed down. It also caused a huge chunk of my hair to fall out so if you’re celiac, gluten intolerant or have a wheat allergy in any way shape or form, avoid Avalon Organics Thickening Shampoo, it will, ironically, potentially make your hair fall out.

[mulattafury]

Hey so I'm looking at starting the Keto diet. Do you have any advice for like recipes or ingredients? Like maybe a good substitute for stevia (I just don't like the taste of it)? Would honey work? Also, some favorite recipes you've tried so far? Sorry, I know that's a lot of questions ^^;

Keto Connect - Super cute couple, both of them keto, sharing recipes, tips, ingredient reviews/comparisons, and budget/meal prep advice

Headbanger’s Kitchen - awesome heavy metal guitarist makes a variety of interesting and flavorful keto recipes influenced by indian cuisine. includes some vegan stuff as well! a nice diversion from the usual stuff you see.

As far as sweeteners, a lot of people use erithrytol or stevia-erithrytol blends to sweeten things like baked goods, since erithrytol is supposedly not metabolized by your body at all so you can completely deduct the carbs from it in your net carbs. Honey is not a great alternative since a single tablespoon of honey contains 17g of sugar (according to Google, who pulls nutrition info from USDA). Not only is that p much all of your carbs for 1 day, it will almost definitely trigger an insulin response and knock you out of keto.

I guess it just depends what you’re using the sweetener for? Like, if it’s for coffee or something, just use whatever sugar substitute you want. Powdered versions of sugar alcohol often contain actual sugar (a fact that makes my mind turn inside-out with frustration) but if you’re using like one Splenda packet in a cup of coffee I don’t think that’s enough to make a huge difference. Or get the liquid sucralose or something instead of Stevia.

If you’re concerned with sweetening baked goods, I’d say use erithrytol, and something like sucralose or stevia to punch it up if needed(erithrytol is less sweet than sugar, other sugar substitutes are often sweeter than sugar). But i would also suggest avoiding a lot of baking and treats when you first start and re-introducing them once you’re adapted. Your tastes will change a lot.

Some shopping tips:

- Mission Carb Control tortillas are amazing- Chicken thighs are cheaper, better-tasting, and have more fat than chicken breasts. On Keto, all of these things are positives.- Similarly, buy the highest fat content ground beef you can. Usually it’s 27/73. Keto or not, this is a requirement to make a good burger. :D- Pork rinds are a good thing to have around as a crunchy/impulse snack when you first start, while you’re adapting.- Grab a pint of halo top ice cream for when u do get a sweet tooth, or arctic zero if you’re lactose intolerant.- coconut flour actually makes a pretty good deep-fry coating. pork rinds make a better one but much higher calorie- you’re gonna need more eggs- seriously eggs are like the perfect keto food- Look for sugar-free, gluten-free, and paleo-friendly products. There’s a lot of overlap of these diets with keto. For example, Heinz makes a reduced sugar ketchup that has like 1g carbs per tablespoon, vs 4 in regular ketchup, and I don’t notice the difference. Again, though, your tastes change. I’m super sensitive to sweet flavors now, but also I’ve been drinking diet sodas since i was a kid so the “chemical” taste of artificial sweeteners doesn’t bother me if i notice it at all, so ymmv- ketoers love to brag about how much bacon they eat but honestly the novelty of bacon every day wears off fast.- you’re not really going to eat as much meat as you might think -- only 20% of your calories should come from protein -- but still, stock up on meat when you can. portion it out into individual servings and pack it in your freezer

Some life tips:

- don’t just eat junk. this is something i struggle with. a lot of junk is “keto friendly” and if you eat that while managing to stick to your macros you WILL stay in ketosis and you WILL lose weight (if that’s your goal. it’s my goal), but you’ll feel like ASS. Make sure you’re getting in all your micronutrients as well, and especially make sure you’re getting electrolytes.- don’t get discouraged by the cost of some of the ingredients. once you’re adapted you eat a LOT less. i spend very little on groceries per week, honestly my biggest food cost is probably my diet dr pepper addiction and i’ve been considering phasing that out.- if weight loss is your goal, you still have to eat at a calorie deficit. i think this is something that a lot of people who don’t get the results they want from a LCHF diet don’t realize. If you are small, sedentary, and afab like moi, that can mean very few calories -- I eat around 1000-1300kcal a day (often fewer than 1k tbh) but for my size and activity level that’s okay.- if weight loss is not your goal, just stick to your macros and don’t worry about counting calories and you’ll be good :)- double quarter pounder, add bacon, no ketchup, no bun, add mac sauce- you can find a keto-friendly option at most restaurants, but be aware that restaurant food often has “hidden carbs” and higher sugar content than homemade versions- if you drink, be careful! your metabolism will be a lot more efficient and it’s gonna wreck your alcohol tolerance. your drinking options are gonna be pretty much limited to lite beer and neat spirits, but 1-2 drinks is all you’re gonna be able to handle most likely.- these things are gross but worth saying:- you’re gonna pee a lot, especially when you’re adapting, and especially-especially because you should be drinking a LOT of water on this diet (part of the reason it’s so important to supplement electrolytes). it’s going to smell like straight up acetone. this is normal.- you’re uh, you’re not gonna poop very much. and it’s... gonna take a while before it’s “solid” again. one of the taglines of r/keto is “never trust a keto fart,” and it’s that for a reason. this is also normal, and if you’re eating right will improve over time.- if you do choose to supplement fiber, use psyllium husk tablets and make sure to drink plenty of water. adding psyllium husk powder or oat fiber to your food is a good option as well. fiber supplements like metamucil often have added sugar, so steer clear of these- don’t cheat until after you’re well-adapted. be very strict for a couple months, then maybe consider the occasional cheat meal. if you’re like me, it will help keep you from giving up, and if you’re trying to lose weight it might actually help keep you from stalling by resetting your metabolism- like many things, if it doesn’t feel good, stop. if you’re doing it right but getting negative side effects, it might not be the right option for you and that’s okay too!

ANYWAY this post is turning into a monster so I’ll end it here with a yeast bread recipe that was a game changer for me. Good luck!

[sheepydraws]

I'll Kick Your Ass! I'll Kick My Fiancee's Ass! I'll Kick My Own Ass! (6/11)

Last Chapter

Next Chapter

Thanksgiving Break

FaceBook Messenger:

Shampoo: Ukyo!

Shampoo: Ukyo!!!!!!!

Shampoo: UKYO!!!!!!!

Ukyo: Hey. I just got home. What’s wrong?

Shampoo: EVERYTHING. Why didn’t you message me back?

Ukyo: I turned off my phone in the car. I wanted to talk to my dad. And I was reading him Good Omens.

Shampoo: Oh, isn’t that nice, you got to bond with your father and I gOT SEX TIPS FROM MY GRANDMA!

Ukyo: Explain.

Shampoo: You’re never gonna believe this shit.

Ukyo: Don’t have much of a choice.

Shampoo: Last month Mousse kept asking me when I was going to come home, and I said not till Thanksgiving break

Ukyo: You live like an hour away, tho

Shampoo: That is why I had to come up with a good excuse!!! I told him I had a boyfriend and I wanted to spend my weekends with him.

Shampoo: Mousse said, bullshit, so I told Ryoga to text him and tell him he couldn’t come over for Thanksgiving break so he would believe me.

Ukyo: Could you get to the point?

Shampoo: I am! So Mousse came to pick me up this afternoon, and we’re chit-chatting in the parking lot, and who should roll up?

Shampoo: RYOGA. WITH A PACKED BAG.

Shampoo: HE TOLD MOUSSE HE WAS GOING TO SPEND THE WEEK WITH US

Ukyo: That’s so nice of him!

Shampoo: HE’S SLEEPING IN MY ROOM, UKYO.

Ukyo: Uh…

Shampoo: We don’t have a guest room. I said he could sleep on the couch, but grandma was like, “What? He’s your friend and you’d have him sleep on the couch like a dog?” So I said, “Okay, I’ll sleep on the couch.” and grandma said, well, it sounds better in chinese, okay? Less blunt.

Shampoo: She said I’m in college now, so it’s cool, cause we must be…

Shampoo: AND MA JUST SAT THERE DRINKING COFFEE AND NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT.

Ukyo: What’s Ryoga doing?

Shampoo: He’s in the bathroom. He was really excited to take a shower without worrying someone is going to walk in on him. He mentioned it in the car.

Ukyo: I probably shouldn’t think that’s cute, but it is.

Shampoo: It is.

Shampoo: Not helping.

Ukyo: Shampoo. Hun. Honey.

Ukyo: Chill.

Ukyo: All I’m hearing is, ‘I get to hang out with my friend Ryoga over the break, and don’t have to worry about my ex hitting on me’.

Shampoo: But we’re going to share a bed. Have you ever shared a bed with a guy? Two words:

Shampoo: Morning. Wood.

Ukyo: He didn’t offer to sleep on the floor?

Shampoo: What floor? With my full size in here there is functional space only. It’s the bed or pressed up between the bookcase and the wall.

Ukyo: Just talk to him. Or sleep feet to head. Or with your heads in the middle. Or whatever. It’ll be fine. You are not going to slip, fall over, and accidentally have sex with Ryoga. I promise.

Ukyo: I have to go get dinner with my dad. You okay now?

Shampoo: I guess. We’ll talk soon?

Ukyo: Promise. <3

Last five posts from okinomiyakimeansiloveyou.tumblr.com

5. Dancing turkey gifset

4. Long post about native american culture, vis-a-vis Thanksgiving + charities to donate to.

3. A blurry photo of the tops of someone’s shoes, just under a shelf of canned cranberry sauce at what looks to be a grocery store

2. Shit, did that just post? Fuck. Why meeeeeeeeee

1. I don’t want to tell any of my friends about what happened because I told them to stop whining about Thanksgiving stuff, and I think I’m fine. He didn’t see me, and by the time my father found me he was gone.

Ranma’s Diary

I saw Ukyo yesterday. He looked pretty good for someone crouching behind a display of cranberry sauce.

I think he was hiding from me.

I thought that was kind of funny, because shouldn’t I be hiding from him? And his dad? Don’t they both want to kill me?

I haven’t thought about Ukyo in a while. I try not to. Well, I tried not to, and then I got really good at it, which I think they call forgetting.

I really liked Ukyo. They were cool. Really cool. Normal, too. Their house was always clean enough, and they had lots of different kinds of food all the time. Dad usually just eats whatever I’m supposed to be eating, so a lot of pork chops and hard boiled eggs and protein powder. Somedays I’d go over to Ukyo’s and there would be mexican leftovers, or tuna noodle casserole, or five different lunch meats, and I could eat anything I wanted.

Okay, the best thing about going out with Ukyo wasn’t the food, although the food was great. And it wasn’t the making out, or just lying on their bed and chilling, either.

And it wasn’t hanging out during lunch, or buying gifts for each other on christmas or

There were a lot of really great things about dating Ukyo.

I remember the first time I saw Akane, all I could think was: “He’s not Ukyo.” I was mad enough he was a guy (well, you know, I thought so at the time) but it just seemed so wrong that he wasn’t Ukyo. Like they should have found a male Ukyo or something and that’s who my dad should have been trying to marry me off to.

The Tendos have good food too. Lots and lots of rice. I think Kasumi likes rice cause it’s cheap, and it’s easy to make and she never seems to run out. I mean, she told me that, while she was cooking once. I was sitting on the floor while she wandered around the kitchen. She was making a big ole pot of curry, just a huge tureen of the stuff, and she was going back and forth from the stove to the counter checking the rice and the curry, and poking at something she made for dessert, cause I think she liked to make dessert when I came over. I mean, she told me that.

Kasumi reminds me of Ukyo a little. Not just because they’re both good cooks, but because they both make you feel really calm. Kasumi never seems to talk. You just sit next to her and you learn things. I’m sure she talks, she’s just so…soft. I don’t know. Like you know how when you know someone really well, and you hangout with them a lot, you stop noticing them? Like they’re a chair? I mean, in a good way. You don’t have that, ‘strange person’ alert going off in the back of your head all the time, you just feel totally relaxed like you would if you were alone.

That’s Kasumi.

Anyway, I was on the floor, watching her feet, and I think I had asked her what she thought about Akane and me, and she said,

“I think that mom and dad wanted to raise the perfect woman. Someone who has beautiful children and runs a successful business and marries into a good family that can help with the dojo. Between the three of us they’re going to get her.” that’s how I found out Akane was trans. I mean, I had this weird feeling, the way Nabiki joked about having two sisters, but they didn’t really sound like jokes? She would tease Akane about being feminine, but it seemed more like gushing. Like when one of your friends gets super obsessed with something and you call them a nerd because you’re crazy about that thing too. Like that.

Okay, so I’ve just written this long character study thing, but I don’t feel much better about seeing my old bae hiding from me in the supermarket with the ‘seasons greetings’ and ‘goodwill to all’ signs already up.

I think, the point I was trying to make, somewhere in here, was that I miss Ukyo, and I want to talk to them, but what am I going to say? I miss them because of what I did, and even if they feel the same, it’ll probably be just like finding out Akane is trans.

“Hey, we have this thing in common! Maybe we can use it to build a bridge over this huge chasm of anger and resentment between—nope, it all fell in.”

From: TexmexTesco@gmail.com

To: PrettyPorkChop@gmail.com

Hey Akari, not sure if it’s been a long time since we’ve talked, or it feels that way because I’m on break. I’ll be home soon though! It’s going to be great. A proper slushy christmas. The weather over here is a little strange. It’s just cold and bright. Not warm, but everything seems to glitter, even though there’s no snow yet.

It is very strange sharing a bed wi[deleted]

Thanksgiving is very interesting this year. I’m used to the tradition since this is usually when I would go visit mom, but it’s very different to go for a week and to actually live here and see how desperately everyone is using Thanksgiving to stave off christmas.

It’s also very interesting sharing a bed with a girl. I mean it’s not bad it’s just really really intimate and I never even did this with you and I’m waking up wrapped up in the way she smells and the warmth of her and [delete]

So far things have been pretty relaxing, here’s hoping that continues so I’m all rested up for finals. I’ve been studying very hard for my calc final because it’s my last one, and the sooner I finish it the sooner I’m on my way home,

Can’t wait to see you.

Ryoga.

The Tendo House

Kasumi’s recipes: Moussaka!

The video opens on the familiar view of Kasumi’s kitchen and an unfamiliar guest.

Kasumi: So, I don’t actually have the money, or the fridge space or literally anything that would make making an extra Thanksgiving dinner worth it.

Akane: I mean, you could have done it in August and—

Kasumi: (Throwing her arms around her sister in an effort to startle her. It works) So I’m here with my sister, Akane, and we’re going to make something that, while not a traditional Thanksgiving dish, is delicious, warm, and perfect for sharing.

Akane: And then Kasumi is going to start on the actual Thanksgiving stuff, and she’s going to post videos of her two best dishes so you have them for next year, or whenever.

Kasumi: (Releasing her sister) It’s going to be brisket, and a cranberry sauce recipe that you will actually want to eat. But for now (she claps her hands together) Moussaka!

Wide shots of fresh produce occur, as well as plenty of slicing and drizzling with oil. The moussaka comes together, layer by layer.

Abruptly Kasumi’s voice over and impersonal shots of her and Akane’s hands are replaced by another wide shot of the kitchen.

“Kasumi, I’m going to the store, do you—“ A boy appears on screen, roughly Akane’s age. There is a rather criminal amount of swagger in his walk for someone whose white gi pants are sticking out under a puffy, flourescent orange winter coat. He stops abruptly when he notices Akane.

Kasumi: (finishes layering zucchini in the huge black pot the moussaka is going into and walks past Akane to rinse her hands in the sink). I think I’ve got everything I need. Wait—Do we have pickles?

Akane: No, I finished them last night.

Kasumi: Pickles then. The sour, garlicky kind. Strips, not chips or squewers or whatever else they have. Strips. Here, I think I have a few dollars in my purse.

Boy: Oh, no, I’ll pay for it. What’s a couple of bucks between-(he fumbles and takes a different track) I mean, you’re doing thanksgiving for us. It’s the least I could do.

Kasumi: Speaking of feeding you, what kind of food do you like? I’ve got a good sewing video, and one about fixing pipes in the making, but after thanksgiving I’m going to be clean out of food video ideas.

Boy: (Clearly just wanting to get out of the kitchen) Christmas is coming up, right? What about cookies. A bunch a different cookies, in, like, gift baskets. That seems like your sort of thing.

Kasumi considers this for a minute, hands on her hips. She seems to evoke a certain gravity on this boy. He looks like he wants to leave, but a certain force is keeping him rooted to the spot.

Kasumi: (With a decisive nod) Then I’ll need more flour, sugar, butter…You know what, I’ll write up a list. Akane, are you okay going with him? He might need a little help with all that stuff.

Akane: (Looking very similar to the boy, in that she would love to say no, but finds it impossible in front of Kasumi). Okay. I’ll help.

And, in a voice over that follows a seamless transition back to Moussaka layering, Kasumi explains: And that is why Akane is not in the rest of this video, as well as a sneak peak at what I’ll be doing soon!

The three most important posts from timetoddddie.tumblr.com:

3. A post reblogged from fuckboisgetmoney: Ryoga’s battered face and the caption about possibly starting a guro blog. #not a guro blog exactly #documenting the strange goings on at a small college out in the sticks of the east coast #jk #it’s people dueling over a girl #what is my life

2. A photo of the top of Kuno’s head, from the time Nabiki stayed with him at health services for a minute. It’s the crown of his head, a splotchy bruise extending from the top of his forehead to his perfectly tousled side part, looking almost like a miscolored extension of the latter. #can you believe he’s our kendo team’s star player? #school spirit #fuck you nsj

1. A picture of the head of the girl’s gymnastic’s team with a spread of bruises over her torso, the vibrant colors broken up by a grey sports bra for modesty’s sake. Nabiki payed for this photo with a bag of jelly beans and five RedBull. She wanted to see how the purple and green flesh played with the rock hard muscles of the girl’s core, and she wasn’t disappointed. #my sister totally isn’t worth this #i love the girl #but doesn’t this look painful? #glad all I gotta do to get a guy is put on some sheer tights

Not Anal

At least he waited till black Friday. At least he had the decency.

Look, sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and you realize you left your bra on because you fell asleep while watching movies with your friend in a post feast stupor. (We always eat late cause the restaurant is usually open. Thanksgiving has never been a big deal at our house because Grandma is in charge around here and she never cared, so she doesn’t really expect us to, but ever since I was about nine and could ask for it we would eat a nice meal on Thanksgiving. Grandma kind of likes an excuse for a big meal, so she lets it happen).

So, anyway, like I was saying, I woke up in the middle of the night and I was half asleep and too clumsy to get at my bra without taking my shirt off. Once underwire was no longer digging into my ribs I rolled over and fell back asleep.

Which, and I swear on my grandmother’s soon to be dug grave, is why I was topless when Mousse decided to come barging into my room and announce that he was going to fight Ryoga for me.

So I’m sitting there trying to cover my chest and screaming at him to get out, and he’s screaming right back that this has nothing to do with me and that he just wants Ryoga, which of course sends mom and Grandma running, because now he’s woken them up, and then I really started howling at everyone to GET OUT and I think grandma implied that it looked like Ryoga and I had been having sex in my room, which is such bullshit, because she never said anything when Mousse and I had been fucking in there, but once Ryoga and I are being total slobs and leaving our clothes and junk food everywhere, then we MUST be having sex, so then I was screaming at her about that—

That is when Ryoga decided to slowly, slowly, sllooooowwlly wake up. I’m serious, his eyelids fluttered, and he stretched his arms over his head, and he propped himself up on an elbow and cracked his jaw, and then, and only then, did he say,

“What the fuck is going on?”

At which point I wacked him with a pillow because everyone else in the room had already seen my breasts and I was more pissed than modest.

“You’re fighting Mousse in the alley behind the restaurant in ten minutes.” I told him, and that seemed to satisfy Mousse, because he nodded and left. Mom and grandma went with him, chatting about who should referee. They seemed to think this was going to be like the little sparring matches Mousse and I used to have when we were still doing martial arts, and not a knock-down, drag-out kind of fight.

“Why am I going to fight Mousse?” Ryoga asked once they were gone.

“For the grand privilege of fucking me, of course.” I said, getting out of bed to figure out where I had thrown my bra.

“But, uh, we…”

“Yeah, I know.”

That is when I got this really awful idea. I swear, my face should have done that grinch thing where his whole face curls in on itself.

I turned around, kicked off my sweatpants-said a little prayer of thanks that I had run out of comfortable undies and was wearing a pink thong- and got back on to the bed so I could start crawling toward Ryoga, basically everything I have on display.

“Maybe I’ll do it, too, if you beat the shit out of Mousse.”

Ryoga’s eyes were enormous. Almost bigger than his head.

“I-I have—you know that I—“

Have you ever tried to crawl sexily? Not easy, but by the time I was close enough to Ryoga to put my hand on his thigh it didn’t matter.

“I know you have a girlfriend, and you’re trying to reel in, like, five more,”

“Just Akane. I mean, Akari. I mean, I’m going to tell Akari to her face.”

By then we were face to face, maybe an inch apart, my breasts just brushing his t-shirt, and I said, “That’s the best part. I already know all that, so I’m not going to get sloppy and tell them, and you aren’t going to have to worry about me expecting you to marry me like my grandmother might.”

There wasn’t an inch between us. I couldn’t even look in his eyes anymore, that’s how close we were. I could feel his breath on my lips, and I could feel that he was hesitating, but I didn’t know if that meant he was holding himself back or if he was trying to force himself to do something.

That was when he threw his arms around me and crushed me against him. Ryoga Hibiki kisses like he’s never going to get the chance again. Like he’s been out in the woods for weeks on end and he’s so desperate for human contact that he’ll wring it out of you.

And this after sharing a bed with me for almost a week. I wonder what his girlfriend is going to get at the airport.

I’m pretty sure that’s the thought that woke me up enough to punch him in the chest(there just wasn’t space for me to do anything else. I couldn’t get his lips off mine to say something) knocking him back enough that I could say, “You should put some shoes on. That alley is all gravel.”

That killed the mood.

So I’m standing out in the back alley, my mother doing a little count down, my lips still tingling—I mean, jesus. No wonder this girl was willing to do long distance. Jesus.— and I know that there is no way Ryoga can take Mousse. Maybe in a kissing contest, but Mousse has years of martial arts training. Ryoga has mass. You can do that math.

Except Ryoga, while he might be big and muscley, has that charming british accent so you know he’s not an idiot. He stayed defensive, which was good. I probably should have told him that Mousse is a cheat, rather than that thing about the gravel.

Okay, Mousse doesn’t exactly cheat, but he’s underhanded. He likes to strike lots of little blows and wear you down, rather than straight up beating the shit out of you.

He does that after you’re worn down.

So Ryoga is staying defensive, feinting here and there, but he’s not giving Mousse enough room to make the little blows he likes. So Mousse starts hitting Ryoga when his guard is up. Hits that glance off his forearms, but hits all the same. Trying to rile Ryoga up, I don’t know.

Mousse went in for another quick punch, and Ryoga rammed him. Arms up, he absorbed Mousse’s blow and ran forward, sending Mousse skidding on the gravel, and slammed him into the back wall of the restaurant.

You know, I didn’t actually see the knife. Just the movement of Mousse’s hands. I didn’t need to see the knife. I knew it was the nice one with the pearl handle. Christ, I saw it when mum was doing the count down, but I didn’t think for a second he would take it out.

But there it was. I knew that movement. I had watched Mousse practice it over and over with his first switch blade, a small black one he found in the tool box under the kitchen sink, until her could whip it out in a second, with a motion like flicking dust away.

But I didn’t actually see the blade flash. I didn’t feel Ryoga’s collar in my hand, but that’s the only thing I could have grabbed to send him flying backwards.

All I felt was the impact of the punch I landed on Mousse’s nose. The crunch of cartilage. His glasses broke, cutting both of us.

I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

Akane’s Diary

I didn’t realize Ranma used to date. I mean, like he actually had a significant other, not just messing around at parties like me.

I was sort of waiting for something to happen that I would want to write about more than this, but so far things have been pretty calm and it’s between writing about this and considering a personal ad in the school newsletter asking for a dude who dressed up as batman for halloween and met a girl dressed as Zelda. This is the healthier option. I’ve got to forget about that stuff.

Okay, so, two days before thanksgivng Kasumi has me doing a video with her. Actually, I asked if I could be in one. Never mind. We’re making moussaka.

Suddenly Ranma shows up wanting to know if Kasumi wants anything from the store. Long story short, I wind up in the car with him. It was a nice car. Not the luxury kind people who actually know things about cars whistle over, but the seats were comfy and the heater was good.

I said that to him. Since the silence was kind of awkward. Which maybe made him think I wanted to have a conversation, even though all I wanted was to stop feeling like we really should be trying to have a conversation.

“Was that apron your mother’s?” He asked, “The one Kasumi was wearing.”

It took me a minute to remember that the apron Kasumi was wearing had ‘Tomoko’ embroidered over the heart.

“Yes. Kasumi made it as a gift.”

“I see.”

The silence resumed, and felt even worse because I could feel the topic of mom looming before us.

Have you ever been in a situation so awkward you said something that would normally plunge you into an awkward situation, but you’re so strung out on having absolutely nothing to say that you sort of hope this will circle things back to a normal conversation? Of course not. Because you’re normal.

But me, I say to him, “So where is your mom, anyway? Your parents divorced?”

He doesn’t answer, and I think it’s too personal a question until he finally says, “Huh. I guess I have a mom…”

I burst out laughing. “What kind of answer is that?”

He shrugged, but he was smiling a little. “I don’t know. I’d believe dad had me himself if he could. I never had a mom, and he never talked about her.”

“Why?”

“What did I just say?” Ranma said, but he said it in a nice way, like we were sharing a joke.

And thus, thanks to Ranma’s non-existent, though theoretically probable mother, the awkwardness lifted for a minute, and we managed to talk about school, and food we like, and other normal things, until we were walking through the pickle aisle, and he suddenly grabbed my wrist and pulled me in another direction.

“Don’t look,” He whispered, “My ex is behind the cranberry sauce.”

What else was I going to do? I looked. Ranma Saotome isn’t the boss of me. And I really wanted to know what a person who not only put up with him but made out with him looked like.

Their gender was kind of indeterminate, and I couldn’t get a great look at them except to say that they had long hair and were wearing a really cute sweater.

“I told you not to look!” Ranma dragged me clear over to the milk, this weird back corner where it’s a little quieter than the rest of the store.

“Let’s just stay here.” He said, like that was a great plan.

“Ranma, we came here for groceries, not to play chicken with someone you used to date.”

“You don’t understand. Ukyo hates me.”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, then did it anyway. “Gee, what a surprise. Another person who hates you.”

“Hey, Ukyo used to like me.” For a split second I thought Ranma was going to show a serious emotion, forlorn, maybe, or longing, but instead he got angry, “And they still would if it wasn’t for you. I don’t want them seeing you.”

“Don’t you dare make this my fault.” I hissed at him.

Wait, I think he did manage a serious emotion: panic.“I didn’t mean it like that, I mean they might blame you, and—”

“Sure. I’ll be by the register whenever you think it’s safe to come out.” I marched off with my little basket swinging, thinking that I wouldn’t mind never seeing Ranma again.

But, since I knew that wasn’t going to happen, I wonder if I should have found Ukyo and asked them what they saw in Ranma. They dated for a long time, I think, so there must have been something they liked about him. Maybe I should have asked them what it was, instead of standing there in front of the checkout aisle, getting madder and madder until Ranma finally showed up with the car keys, outstretched a little sheepishly, like he knew he was being an idiot, but was really hoping i wasn’t going to say anything about it.

I didn’t say anything at all.

[cassoroll]

Are you broke and need advice on how to cook and eat on the cheap? I use to be super broke and working 60 hours a week just like you guys. Now I'm only mostly broke and working 50 hours a week 10 years really makes a difference. These are some tips to help you get by when times are tough.

First tip is avoid meat, I'm not vegetarian and I've never been by choice but I was an economic vegetarian for about 6 months during one of my tight spells. Beans and eggs have a ton more bang for your buck when it comes to protein. When you do buy meat get chicken and turkey, when turkey goes on sale around holidays you can get a ton of meat for not much money. Cook it piece it out and freeze any leftovers you don't use within 3 days of cooking.

Tip 2 eat lots of rice. There is a reason that rice is one of the staples in diets across the world. Its cheap and filling, at this point I'm not going to steer you to any particular type brown had more fiber but if you only like white right now whats important is you eat it. Combine rice with beans and have an apple as a side.

Tip 3 you are going to be eating left overs a lot. If you are like me you would go to work at 7 am and get home at 6 pm or later starving and beat. Even if your days aren't that long and your tired thats all good too because this tip will help you too. Make a dish you can vary a little every day. I would do a huge pot of beans and rice on Sunday and then Monday through Friday I'd add a few different ingredients to keep it interesting. One day I'd add soy sauce and a fried egg and another id add some seasoned turkey i pulled from the freezer and chilli powder.

Tip 4 don't skip breakfast. I know its tempting to skip meals when you are broke because the less you eat the less you spend. This is bad for your body and will make you binge come dinner time. Small meals all day can help you stay in control and spend less money in the long run. Pancakes from scratch are cheap and so is plain oatmeal.

Tip 6 look at traditional ethnic foods. Whatever you are look up ethnic foods from your culture and if you dont know your family history your a part of my family now. if you want my pasta recipe that will feed a family of 4 for 4 days let me know and I'll give it to you.

Tip 7 look in into local food banks or gardeners clubs. Year around food banks will help you if your down on your luck and during the summer many many gardeners have more fruits and veggies then they know what to do with and will give you fresh organic fruits and veggies for free.

Tip 8 for Christmas and birthdays and friends and coworkers for pantry staples (tomato sauce, pasta, beans, rice) many times they will get you a comically large amount because they think the whole thing is a joke but the jokes on them because that 25 pound bag of jasmine rice from Costco will feed you for weeks

Tip 9 is dont buy fruits and veggies in bulk. Some fruits and veggies to avoid are lettuce, tomatoes and bananas they go bad quickly and its going to be hard to eat a large quantity before they expire. For leefy greens turnip greens and kale stay fresh for way longer and are packed with good stuff to power you so you can cry yourself to sleep because you gotta work again tomorrow. Like who the fuck decided that we gotta work so much to scrape by this is insane. Apples and oranges last a long time and I'm not talking cuties I'm talking about naval oranges.

Tip 10 is dont feel ashamed if you splurge. If you buy 3 avocados and some fancy ass bread to eat avocado toast thats awesome that you can do that for yourself. If you buy cake mix and frosting to make your friend a birthday cake I'm proud of you for being so considerate. And if you eat a half a pint of ice cream in a sitting thing of all that nutritious delicious cream you took in thats fuel for your system. I might update this if people actually want more tips because its hard to really dig into this on a quick text post. I have more recipes now than I did when I was struggling and I'm better at meal prepping. You don't need to figure it out alone because we've all been there.

[lauramalchowblog]

Keto Bloat: Separating Fact from Fiction

Move over, keto crotch. There’s a new fear-mongering anti-keto media blitz forming: keto bloat.

According to the “good scientists” of the Kellogg company food lab, an unprecedented number of young people are walking around with bloated guts and colons packed to the brim with impacted fecal matter, and it’s all because they’ve embraced ketogenic diets and “forsaken” fiber.

If this sounds like nonsense, that’s because it is.

Are millions of keto dieters suffering from bloating and constipation? I can find no evidence of this.

Is fiber necessary to prevent bloating and constipation? It’s complicated. I’ll explain later. But probably not.

Does the ketogenic diet necessarily exclude fiber? Not at all.

Are ketogenic diets as commonly practiced low in fiber? No.

What Is “Bloat” Anyway?

There are two things that people refer to as bloat: constipation and abdominal distension.

Constipation has different components. It’s being unable to make a satisfying bowel movement. It’s also feeling like you have to poop but are unable to. It’s being able to poop only a little bit. It’s struggling on the toilet bowl. Mostly, it’s being unhappy with your performance on the toilet.

Abdominal distension also can be different things. It might be trapped gas. It might be feeling “heavy” or “full.” It might mean your pants don’t fit after eating.

So, “bloating” can be any or all of these. You can pass hard small stools and feel like you’re bloated. You can poop just fine but have a lot of gas and feel like you’re bloated. You can spend hours on the toilet with not much to show for your effort and be bloated. So “Keto bloat” is difficult to pin down. That makes it easy to make claims and hard to disprove.

Let’s see how frequent bloating and constipation occurs in the ketogenic diet literature.

What Does Research Say About Constipation?

In a study of children with epilepsy placed on an olive oil-based ketogenic diet, about 25% of the subjects experienced constipation. So, was ketosis slowing them down? Not exactly. Those who experienced constipation were actually less likely to be in ketosis. Constipation went up as ketone readings went down, and epilepsy symptoms returned. Constipation improved as ketone readings went up and epilepsy symptoms subsided.

In adults with epilepsy on a ketogenic diet, constipation occurred in just 9% of patients. The authors note that this rate is lower than some other ketogenic studies and attribute the difference to “the heavy focus on importance of fiber from nutrient dense (fiber rich) vegetables, nuts, and seeds.” Note that they weren’t getting fiber from pills and powders. They were eating nutrient-dense foods that just so happened to contain fiber.

Another ten-year study compared the classical ketogenic diet, MCT oil-based ketogenic diet, and modified Atkins keto diet. They were all equally effective at reducing epilepsy symptoms in children, but the occurrence of constipation varied greatly. It was most common in the classic keto diet and medium chain triglyceride-based diet, both of which restrict protein. In the modified Atkins diet, which does not restrict protein, constipation was much rarer. Another study on the modified Atkins diet had similar results, with just 2 of 26 subjects reporting constipation.

Constipation does seem to be a common occurrence. However, the majority of keto diet studies are in epileptic populations following very strict clinical Keto diets. The extreme nature of these therapeutic ketogenic diets—extreme protein (7% of calories) and carbohydrate restriction—makes them an imperfect representation of how most people are eating Keto. And in studies of less-extreme, more realistic versions of the diet, such as modified Atkins (which allows more protein) or the version with “heavy focus” on vegetables, nuts, and seeds, constipation occurs at a much lower rate.

What Does Research Say About Bloating?

The only instance of something approximating bloating in the ketogenic diet literature occurred in studies using medium chain triglyceride-based diets. These are ones that use huge amounts of MCT oil to increase production of ketone bodies. It works great for curbing epilepsy symptoms, but it can also cause cramping, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. That’s not bloating per se. It’s literally the closest I could find.

Causes Of Bloating While Keto?

Okay, say you are dealing with constipation or bloating on a keto diet. What could be going on?

Not Enough Food

Constipation is often a consequence of low energy status. Everything that happens in the body requires energy, and if energy levels are low or energy availability is poor, basic functions will suffer. Bowel movements are no exception. The muscles and other tissues responsible for moving things along your digestive tract use energy. If you aren’t providing adequate amounts of energy, you’re depriving your tissues of the ATP they need to work best and sending your body a signal of scarcity which will only depress energy expenditure even more.

Low carb diets in general and keto diets in particular are very good at causing inadvertent calorie reduction. Great for fat loss, but some people take it overboard and go too far. I’m talking 800-1000 calories a day on top of CrossFit. That’s a recipe for disaster.

Water and Mineral Loss

When you go Keto for the first time, you shed tons of water. For every gram of glycogen you lose, you drop 3-4 grams of water. You also lose sodium and potassium with the water, and you need extra magnesium to regulate your sodium and potassium levels.

The water content of stool is what gives it that smooth texture we all desire. If you’re dehydrated, even mildly, you’ll have less water available for your bowel movements and be more likely to suffer from constipation.

Drink a big glass of salty water with lemon juice in the morning and sip on salty broth throughout the day. Zucchini is a great source of potassium, as is avocado.

Also, if you’re going to eat more fiber, you need to increase water intake for it to work.

Too Much or Too Little Fiber

The relationship between fiber and constipation is mixed. Some interventions do seem to help. Psyllium husk and flaxseed have both been shown to improve constipation. Galactooligosaccharides, a class of prebiotic fiber, improve idiopathic constipation. And inulin, another prebiotic fiber, improves bowel function and stool consistency in patients with constipation.

But there’s also evidence that more fiber can make the problem worse. In one 2012 study, patients with idiopathic constipation—constipation without apparent physiological or physical causes—had to remove fiber entirely to get pooping again. Those who kept eating a bit or a lot of it continued to have trouble evacuating. The more fiber they ate, the worse their constipation (and bloating) remained. Another review found mixed evidence; some people get less bloating and constipation with more fiber, others get less bloating and constipation with less fiber.

Personally, my toilet performance is stellar with or without a constant intake of voluminous levels of plant matter. Most days I eat a good amount—Big Ass Salads, broccoli, sautéed greens, berries—but on the days I don’t, I don’t notice any difference. I’m suspicious of the widespread calls for bowel-rending levels of fiber as the universal panacea for all things toilet, and I’m also suspicious of the people who claim fiber is unnecessary or even harmful.

Fiber helps some people and hampers others. There’s no one-size-fits-all with fiber, especially since there are many different types of fiber.

Too Many Sugar Substitutes

I get it. There are some interesting candies out there that cater to the Keto set and use various sugar alcohols—non-alcoholic, low-or-no calorie versions of sugar—artificial sweeteners, and fibers to recreate popular treats. It’s fun to eat an entire chocolate bar that tastes pretty close to the real thing and get just a few net carbs. But that’s a lot of fermentable substrate your gut bugs are more than happy to turn to gas.

If you want the opposite problem, you can always turn to Haribo sugar-free gummy bears.

FODMAP Intolerance

FODMAPs stands for fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharides, and polyols—the carbohydrates in plants that our gut bacteria usually mop up. Most people have gut biomes that can handle FODMAPs; indeed, most people derive beneficial short chain fatty acids from their fermentation. But some people’s gut biomes produce too much fermentation when they encounter FODMAPs. Fermentation begets hydrogen gas, which gathers in the gut and causes great distress. Common complaints of the FODMAP intolerant are bloating, stomach pain, and visits to the toilet that are either unproductive or way too productive—all of which fall into the bloating category.

The myth is that Keto people are eating salami and cream cheese for every meal. The reality is that many people go Primal or Keto and find they’re eating way more vegetables than they ever have before. These are great developments, usually, but if you’re intolerant of FODMAP fibers, you may worsen the bloating.

What Can You Do?

Eat enough protein. Most people can get away with eating 15-25% of their calories from protein and still stay in ketosis. Most people can eat even more protein and still get most of the benefits of fat-adaptation. The keto studies which had the lowest rates of constipation were far more tolerant of higher protein intakes.

Eat FODMAPs unless you’re intolerant. Most people can eat FODMAPs. In most people, FODMAPs improve gut health and reduce constipation and bloating. But if your gut blows up after a few bites of broccoli or asparagus, consult the FODMAPs list and try a quick FODMAP elimination diet.

Make sure you’re truly constipated. Your stool volume and frequency of toilet visits will decline on a normal ketogenic diet because there’s less “waste.” Make sure you’re not misinterpreting that as constipation or bloating. If there’s less poop, there’s less poop. If there’s more poop but it’s just not coming, and you have to go but can’t, that’s when you have an issue.

Experiment with fiber. Fiber clearly has a relationship to bloating and constipation. You just have to figure out what that looks like in your diet.

If you’re bloated and constipated on a high-plant Keto Diet, eat fewer plants.

If you’re bloated and constipated on a low-plant Keto Diet, try eating more plants. If that doesn’t help, go zero-plant.

If you’re bloated and constipated on a zero-plant Keto Diet, try eating more plants. .

We all have to find our sweet spot.

So, to sum up, “keto bloat” is mostly a myth. There’s a glimmer of truth there, but it’s highly exaggerated. Constipation is common on the most restrictive clinical keto diets, while eating fiber from whole plant foods, being less restrictive with protein, and making sure you’re drinking enough water and eating enough calories and electrolytes seems to avoid the worst of it.

What’s been your experience with bloating and constipation? How have you handled it?

(function($) { $("#df7ZAwt").load("https://www.marksdailyapple.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php?action=dfads_ajax_load_ads&groups=674&limit=1&orderby=random&order=ASC&container_id=&container_html=none&container_class=&ad_html=div&ad_class=&callback_function=&return_javascript=0&_block_id=df7ZAwt" ); })( jQuery );

window.onload=function(){ga('send', { hitType: 'event', eventCategory: 'Ad Impression', eventAction: '66337' });}

References:

Ho KS, Tan CY, Mohd daud MA, Seow-choen F. Stopping or reducing dietary fiber intake reduces constipation and its associated symptoms. World J Gastroenterol. 2012;18(33):4593-6.

Müller-lissner SA, Kamm MA, Scarpignato C, Wald A. Myths and misconceptions about chronic constipation. Am J Gastroenterol. 2005;100(1):232-42.

Guzel O, Uysal U, Arslan N. Efficacy and tolerability of olive oil-based ketogenic diet in children with drug-resistant epilepsy: A single center experience from Turkey. Eur J Paediatr Neurol. 2019;23(1):143-151.

Roehl K, Falco-walter J, Ouyang B, Balabanov A. Modified ketogenic diets in adults with refractory epilepsy: Efficacious improvements in seizure frequency, seizure severity, and quality of life. Epilepsy Behav. 2019;

Liu YM. Medium-chain triglyceride (MCT) ketogenic therapy. Epilepsia. 2008;49 Suppl 8:33-6.

Arnaud MJ. Mild dehydration: a risk factor of constipation?. Eur J Clin Nutr. 2003;57 Suppl 2:S88-95.

Noureddin S, Mohsen J, Payman A. Effects of psyllium vs. placebo on constipation, weight, glycemia, and lipids: A randomized trial in patients with type 2 diabetes and chronic constipation. Complement Ther Med. 2018;40:1-7.

The post Keto Bloat: Separating Fact from Fiction appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Keto Bloat: Separating Fact from Fiction published first on https://venabeahan.tumblr.com

[jesseneufeld]

Keto Bloat: Separating Fact from Fiction

Move over, keto crotch. There’s a new fear-mongering anti-keto media blitz forming: keto bloat.

According to the “good scientists” of the Kellogg company food lab, an unprecedented number of young people are walking around with bloated guts and colons packed to the brim with impacted fecal matter, and it’s all because they’ve embraced ketogenic diets and “forsaken” fiber.

If this sounds like nonsense, that’s because it is.

Are millions of keto dieters suffering from bloating and constipation? I can find no evidence of this.

Is fiber necessary to prevent bloating and constipation? It’s complicated. I’ll explain later. But probably not.

Does the ketogenic diet necessarily exclude fiber? Not at all.

Are ketogenic diets as commonly practiced low in fiber? No.

What Is “Bloat” Anyway?

There are two things that people refer to as bloat: constipation and abdominal distension.

Constipation has different components. It’s being unable to make a satisfying bowel movement. It’s also feeling like you have to poop but are unable to. It’s being able to poop only a little bit. It’s struggling on the toilet bowl. Mostly, it’s being unhappy with your performance on the toilet.

Abdominal distension also can be different things. It might be trapped gas. It might be feeling “heavy” or “full.” It might mean your pants don’t fit after eating.

So, “bloating” can be any or all of these. You can pass hard small stools and feel like you’re bloated. You can poop just fine but have a lot of gas and feel like you’re bloated. You can spend hours on the toilet with not much to show for your effort and be bloated. So “Keto bloat” is difficult to pin down. That makes it easy to make claims and hard to disprove.

Let’s see how frequent bloating and constipation occurs in the ketogenic diet literature.

What Does Research Say About Constipation?

In a study of children with epilepsy placed on an olive oil-based ketogenic diet, about 25% of the subjects experienced constipation. So, was ketosis slowing them down? Not exactly. Those who experienced constipation were actually less likely to be in ketosis. Constipation went up as ketone readings went down, and epilepsy symptoms returned. Constipation improved as ketone readings went up and epilepsy symptoms subsided.

In adults with epilepsy on a ketogenic diet, constipation occurred in just 9% of patients. The authors note that this rate is lower than some other ketogenic studies and attribute the difference to “the heavy focus on importance of fiber from nutrient dense (fiber rich) vegetables, nuts, and seeds.” Note that they weren’t getting fiber from pills and powders. They were eating nutrient-dense foods that just so happened to contain fiber.

Another ten-year study compared the classical ketogenic diet, MCT oil-based ketogenic diet, and modified Atkins keto diet. They were all equally effective at reducing epilepsy symptoms in children, but the occurrence of constipation varied greatly. It was most common in the classic keto diet and medium chain triglyceride-based diet, both of which restrict protein. In the modified Atkins diet, which does not restrict protein, constipation was much rarer. Another study on the modified Atkins diet had similar results, with just 2 of 26 subjects reporting constipation.

Constipation does seem to be a common occurrence. However, the majority of keto diet studies are in epileptic populations following very strict clinical Keto diets. The extreme nature of these therapeutic ketogenic diets—extreme protein (7% of calories) and carbohydrate restriction—makes them an imperfect representation of how most people are eating Keto. And in studies of less-extreme, more realistic versions of the diet, such as modified Atkins (which allows more protein) or the version with “heavy focus” on vegetables, nuts, and seeds, constipation occurs at a much lower rate.

What Does Research Say About Bloating?

The only instance of something approximating bloating in the ketogenic diet literature occurred in studies using medium chain triglyceride-based diets. These are ones that use huge amounts of MCT oil to increase production of ketone bodies. It works great for curbing epilepsy symptoms, but it can also cause cramping, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. That’s not bloating per se. It’s literally the closest I could find.

Causes Of Bloating While Keto?

Okay, say you are dealing with constipation or bloating on a keto diet. What could be going on?

Not Enough Food

Constipation is often a consequence of low energy status. Everything that happens in the body requires energy, and if energy levels are low or energy availability is poor, basic functions will suffer. Bowel movements are no exception. The muscles and other tissues responsible for moving things along your digestive tract use energy. If you aren’t providing adequate amounts of energy, you’re depriving your tissues of the ATP they need to work best and sending your body a signal of scarcity which will only depress energy expenditure even more.

Low carb diets in general and keto diets in particular are very good at causing inadvertent calorie reduction. Great for fat loss, but some people take it overboard and go too far. I’m talking 800-1000 calories a day on top of CrossFit. That’s a recipe for disaster.

Water and Mineral Loss

When you go Keto for the first time, you shed tons of water. For every gram of glycogen you lose, you drop 3-4 grams of water. You also lose sodium and potassium with the water, and you need extra magnesium to regulate your sodium and potassium levels.

The water content of stool is what gives it that smooth texture we all desire. If you’re dehydrated, even mildly, you’ll have less water available for your bowel movements and be more likely to suffer from constipation.

Drink a big glass of salty water with lemon juice in the morning and sip on salty broth throughout the day. Zucchini is a great source of potassium, as is avocado.

Also, if you’re going to eat more fiber, you need to increase water intake for it to work.

Too Much or Too Little Fiber

The relationship between fiber and constipation is mixed. Some interventions do seem to help. Psyllium husk and flaxseed have both been shown to improve constipation. Galactooligosaccharides, a class of prebiotic fiber, improve idiopathic constipation. And inulin, another prebiotic fiber, improves bowel function and stool consistency in patients with constipation.

But there’s also evidence that more fiber can make the problem worse. In one 2012 study, patients with idiopathic constipation—constipation without apparent physiological or physical causes—had to remove fiber entirely to get pooping again. Those who kept eating a bit or a lot of it continued to have trouble evacuating. The more fiber they ate, the worse their constipation (and bloating) remained. Another review found mixed evidence; some people get less bloating and constipation with more fiber, others get less bloating and constipation with less fiber.

Personally, my toilet performance is stellar with or without a constant intake of voluminous levels of plant matter. Most days I eat a good amount—Big Ass Salads, broccoli, sautéed greens, berries—but on the days I don’t, I don’t notice any difference. I’m suspicious of the widespread calls for bowel-rending levels of fiber as the universal panacea for all things toilet, and I’m also suspicious of the people who claim fiber is unnecessary or even harmful.

Fiber helps some people and hampers others. There’s no one-size-fits-all with fiber, especially since there are many different types of fiber.

Too Many Sugar Substitutes

I get it. There are some interesting candies out there that cater to the Keto set and use various sugar alcohols—non-alcoholic, low-or-no calorie versions of sugar—artificial sweeteners, and fibers to recreate popular treats. It’s fun to eat an entire chocolate bar that tastes pretty close to the real thing and get just a few net carbs. But that’s a lot of fermentable substrate your gut bugs are more than happy to turn to gas.

If you want the opposite problem, you can always turn to Haribo sugar-free gummy bears.

FODMAP Intolerance

FODMAPs stands for fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharides, and polyols—the carbohydrates in plants that our gut bacteria usually mop up. Most people have gut biomes that can handle FODMAPs; indeed, most people derive beneficial short chain fatty acids from their fermentation. But some people’s gut biomes produce too much fermentation when they encounter FODMAPs. Fermentation begets hydrogen gas, which gathers in the gut and causes great distress. Common complaints of the FODMAP intolerant are bloating, stomach pain, and visits to the toilet that are either unproductive or way too productive—all of which fall into the bloating category.

The myth is that Keto people are eating salami and cream cheese for every meal. The reality is that many people go Primal or Keto and find they’re eating way more vegetables than they ever have before. These are great developments, usually, but if you’re intolerant of FODMAP fibers, you may worsen the bloating.

What Can You Do?

Eat enough protein. Most people can get away with eating 15-25% of their calories from protein and still stay in ketosis. Most people can eat even more protein and still get most of the benefits of fat-adaptation. The keto studies which had the lowest rates of constipation were far more tolerant of higher protein intakes.

Eat FODMAPs unless you’re intolerant. Most people can eat FODMAPs. In most people, FODMAPs improve gut health and reduce constipation and bloating. But if your gut blows up after a few bites of broccoli or asparagus, consult the FODMAPs list and try a quick FODMAP elimination diet.

Make sure you’re truly constipated. Your stool volume and frequency of toilet visits will decline on a normal ketogenic diet because there’s less “waste.” Make sure you’re not misinterpreting that as constipation or bloating. If there’s less poop, there’s less poop. If there’s more poop but it’s just not coming, and you have to go but can’t, that’s when you have an issue.

Experiment with fiber. Fiber clearly has a relationship to bloating and constipation. You just have to figure out what that looks like in your diet.

If you’re bloated and constipated on a high-plant Keto Diet, eat fewer plants.

If you’re bloated and constipated on a low-plant Keto Diet, try eating more plants. If that doesn’t help, go zero-plant.

If you’re bloated and constipated on a zero-plant Keto Diet, try eating more plants. .

We all have to find our sweet spot.

So, to sum up, “keto bloat” is mostly a myth. There’s a glimmer of truth there, but it’s highly exaggerated. Constipation is common on the most restrictive clinical keto diets, while eating fiber from whole plant foods, being less restrictive with protein, and making sure you’re drinking enough water and eating enough calories and electrolytes seems to avoid the worst of it.

What’s been your experience with bloating and constipation? How have you handled it?

(function($) { $("#df1WgmF").load("https://www.marksdailyapple.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php?action=dfads_ajax_load_ads&groups=674&limit=1&orderby=random&order=ASC&container_id=&container_html=none&container_class=&ad_html=div&ad_class=&callback_function=&return_javascript=0&_block_id=df1WgmF" ); })( jQuery );

window.onload=function(){ga('send', { hitType: 'event', eventCategory: 'Ad Impression', eventAction: '74506' });}

References:

Ho KS, Tan CY, Mohd daud MA, Seow-choen F. Stopping or reducing dietary fiber intake reduces constipation and its associated symptoms. World J Gastroenterol. 2012;18(33):4593-6.

Müller-lissner SA, Kamm MA, Scarpignato C, Wald A. Myths and misconceptions about chronic constipation. Am J Gastroenterol. 2005;100(1):232-42.

Guzel O, Uysal U, Arslan N. Efficacy and tolerability of olive oil-based ketogenic diet in children with drug-resistant epilepsy: A single center experience from Turkey. Eur J Paediatr Neurol. 2019;23(1):143-151.

Roehl K, Falco-walter J, Ouyang B, Balabanov A. Modified ketogenic diets in adults with refractory epilepsy: Efficacious improvements in seizure frequency, seizure severity, and quality of life. Epilepsy Behav. 2019;

Liu YM. Medium-chain triglyceride (MCT) ketogenic therapy. Epilepsia. 2008;49 Suppl 8:33-6.

Arnaud MJ. Mild dehydration: a risk factor of constipation?. Eur J Clin Nutr. 2003;57 Suppl 2:S88-95.

Noureddin S, Mohsen J, Payman A. Effects of psyllium vs. placebo on constipation, weight, glycemia, and lipids: A randomized trial in patients with type 2 diabetes and chronic constipation. Complement Ther Med. 2018;40:1-7.

The post Keto Bloat: Separating Fact from Fiction appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

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Keto Bloat: Separating Fact from Fiction

Move over, keto crotch. There’s a new fear-mongering anti-keto media blitz forming: keto bloat.

According to the “good scientists” of the Kellogg company food lab, an unprecedented number of young people are walking around with bloated guts and colons packed to the brim with impacted fecal matter, and it’s all because they’ve embraced ketogenic diets and “forsaken” fiber.

If this sounds like nonsense, that’s because it is.

Are millions of keto dieters suffering from bloating and constipation? I can find no evidence of this.

Is fiber necessary to prevent bloating and constipation? It’s complicated. I’ll explain later. But probably not.

Does the ketogenic diet necessarily exclude fiber? Not at all.

Are ketogenic diets as commonly practiced low in fiber? No.

What Is “Bloat” Anyway?

There are two things that people refer to as bloat: constipation and abdominal distension.

Constipation has different components. It’s being unable to make a satisfying bowel movement. It’s also feeling like you have to poop but are unable to. It’s being able to poop only a little bit. It’s struggling on the toilet bowl. Mostly, it’s being unhappy with your performance on the toilet.

Abdominal distension also can be different things. It might be trapped gas. It might be feeling “heavy” or “full.” It might mean your pants don’t fit after eating.

So, “bloating” can be any or all of these. You can pass hard small stools and feel like you’re bloated. You can poop just fine but have a lot of gas and feel like you’re bloated. You can spend hours on the toilet with not much to show for your effort and be bloated. So “Keto bloat” is difficult to pin down. That makes it easy to make claims and hard to disprove.

Let’s see how frequent bloating and constipation occurs in the ketogenic diet literature.

What Does Research Say About Constipation?

In a study of children with epilepsy placed on an olive oil-based ketogenic diet, about 25% of the subjects experienced constipation. So, was ketosis slowing them down? Not exactly. Those who experienced constipation were actually less likely to be in ketosis. Constipation went up as ketone readings went down, and epilepsy symptoms returned. Constipation improved as ketone readings went up and epilepsy symptoms subsided.

In adults with epilepsy on a ketogenic diet, constipation occurred in just 9% of patients. The authors note that this rate is lower than some other ketogenic studies and attribute the difference to “the heavy focus on importance of fiber from nutrient dense (fiber rich) vegetables, nuts, and seeds.” Note that they weren’t getting fiber from pills and powders. They were eating nutrient-dense foods that just so happened to contain fiber.

Another ten-year study compared the classical ketogenic diet, MCT oil-based ketogenic diet, and modified Atkins keto diet. They were all equally effective at reducing epilepsy symptoms in children, but the occurrence of constipation varied greatly. It was most common in the classic keto diet and medium chain triglyceride-based diet, both of which restrict protein. In the modified Atkins diet, which does not restrict protein, constipation was much rarer. Another study on the modified Atkins diet had similar results, with just 2 of 26 subjects reporting constipation.

Constipation does seem to be a common occurrence. However, the majority of keto diet studies are in epileptic populations following very strict clinical Keto diets. The extreme nature of these therapeutic ketogenic diets—extreme protein (7% of calories) and carbohydrate restriction—makes them an imperfect representation of how most people are eating Keto. And in studies of less-extreme, more realistic versions of the diet, such as modified Atkins (which allows more protein) or the version with “heavy focus” on vegetables, nuts, and seeds, constipation occurs at a much lower rate.

What Does Research Say About Bloating?

The only instance of something approximating bloating in the ketogenic diet literature occurred in studies using medium chain triglyceride-based diets. These are ones that use huge amounts of MCT oil to increase production of ketone bodies. It works great for curbing epilepsy symptoms, but it can also cause cramping, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. That’s not bloating per se. It’s literally the closest I could find.

Causes Of Bloating While Keto?

Okay, say you are dealing with constipation or bloating on a keto diet. What could be going on?

Not Enough Food

Constipation is often a consequence of low energy status. Everything that happens in the body requires energy, and if energy levels are low or energy availability is poor, basic functions will suffer. Bowel movements are no exception. The muscles and other tissues responsible for moving things along your digestive tract use energy. If you aren’t providing adequate amounts of energy, you’re depriving your tissues of the ATP they need to work best and sending your body a signal of scarcity which will only depress energy expenditure even more.

Low carb diets in general and keto diets in particular are very good at causing inadvertent calorie reduction. Great for fat loss, but some people take it overboard and go too far. I’m talking 800-1000 calories a day on top of CrossFit. That’s a recipe for disaster.

Water and Mineral Loss

When you go Keto for the first time, you shed tons of water. For every gram of glycogen you lose, you drop 3-4 grams of water. You also lose sodium and potassium with the water, and you need extra magnesium to regulate your sodium and potassium levels.

The water content of stool is what gives it that smooth texture we all desire. If you’re dehydrated, even mildly, you’ll have less water available for your bowel movements and be more likely to suffer from constipation.

Drink a big glass of salty water with lemon juice in the morning and sip on salty broth throughout the day. Zucchini is a great source of potassium, as is avocado.

Also, if you’re going to eat more fiber, you need to increase water intake for it to work.

Too Much or Too Little Fiber

The relationship between fiber and constipation is mixed. Some interventions do seem to help. Psyllium husk and flaxseed have both been shown to improve constipation. Galactooligosaccharides, a class of prebiotic fiber, improve idiopathic constipation. And inulin, another prebiotic fiber, improves bowel function and stool consistency in patients with constipation.

But there’s also evidence that more fiber can make the problem worse. In one 2012 study, patients with idiopathic constipation—constipation without apparent physiological or physical causes—had to remove fiber entirely to get pooping again. Those who kept eating a bit or a lot of it continued to have trouble evacuating. The more fiber they ate, the worse their constipation (and bloating) remained. Another review found mixed evidence; some people get less bloating and constipation with more fiber, others get less bloating and constipation with less fiber.

Personally, my toilet performance is stellar with or without a constant intake of voluminous levels of plant matter. Most days I eat a good amount—Big Ass Salads, broccoli, sautéed greens, berries—but on the days I don’t, I don’t notice any difference. I’m suspicious of the widespread calls for bowel-rending levels of fiber as the universal panacea for all things toilet, and I’m also suspicious of the people who claim fiber is unnecessary or even harmful.

Fiber helps some people and hampers others. There’s no one-size-fits-all with fiber, especially since there are many different types of fiber.

Too Many Sugar Substitutes

I get it. There are some interesting candies out there that cater to the Keto set and use various sugar alcohols—non-alcoholic, low-or-no calorie versions of sugar—artificial sweeteners, and fibers to recreate popular treats. It’s fun to eat an entire chocolate bar that tastes pretty close to the real thing and get just a few net carbs. But that’s a lot of fermentable substrate your gut bugs are more than happy to turn to gas.

If you want the opposite problem, you can always turn to Haribo sugar-free gummy bears.

FODMAP Intolerance

FODMAPs stands for fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharides, and polyols—the carbohydrates in plants that our gut bacteria usually mop up. Most people have gut biomes that can handle FODMAPs; indeed, most people derive beneficial short chain fatty acids from their fermentation. But some people’s gut biomes produce too much fermentation when they encounter FODMAPs. Fermentation begets hydrogen gas, which gathers in the gut and causes great distress. Common complaints of the FODMAP intolerant are bloating, stomach pain, and visits to the toilet that are either unproductive or way too productive—all of which fall into the bloating category.

The myth is that Keto people are eating salami and cream cheese for every meal. The reality is that many people go Primal or Keto and find they’re eating way more vegetables than they ever have before. These are great developments, usually, but if you’re intolerant of FODMAP fibers, you may worsen the bloating.

What Can You Do?

Eat enough protein. Most people can get away with eating 15-25% of their calories from protein and still stay in ketosis. Most people can eat even more protein and still get most of the benefits of fat-adaptation. The keto studies which had the lowest rates of constipation were far more tolerant of higher protein intakes.

Eat FODMAPs unless you’re intolerant. Most people can eat FODMAPs. In most people, FODMAPs improve gut health and reduce constipation and bloating. But if your gut blows up after a few bites of broccoli or asparagus, consult the FODMAPs list and try a quick FODMAP elimination diet.

Make sure you’re truly constipated. Your stool volume and frequency of toilet visits will decline on a normal ketogenic diet because there’s less “waste.” Make sure you’re not misinterpreting that as constipation or bloating. If there’s less poop, there’s less poop. If there’s more poop but it’s just not coming, and you have to go but can’t, that’s when you have an issue.

Experiment with fiber. Fiber clearly has a relationship to bloating and constipation. You just have to figure out what that looks like in your diet.

If you’re bloated and constipated on a high-plant Keto Diet, eat fewer plants.

If you’re bloated and constipated on a low-plant Keto Diet, try eating more plants. If that doesn’t help, go zero-plant.

If you’re bloated and constipated on a zero-plant Keto Diet, try eating more plants. .

We all have to find our sweet spot.

So, to sum up, “keto bloat” is mostly a myth. There’s a glimmer of truth there, but it’s highly exaggerated. Constipation is common on the most restrictive clinical keto diets, while eating fiber from whole plant foods, being less restrictive with protein, and making sure you’re drinking enough water and eating enough calories and electrolytes seems to avoid the worst of it.

What’s been your experience with bloating and constipation? How have you handled it?

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References:

Ho KS, Tan CY, Mohd daud MA, Seow-choen F. Stopping or reducing dietary fiber intake reduces constipation and its associated symptoms. World J Gastroenterol. 2012;18(33):4593-6.

Müller-lissner SA, Kamm MA, Scarpignato C, Wald A. Myths and misconceptions about chronic constipation. Am J Gastroenterol. 2005;100(1):232-42.

Guzel O, Uysal U, Arslan N. Efficacy and tolerability of olive oil-based ketogenic diet in children with drug-resistant epilepsy: A single center experience from Turkey. Eur J Paediatr Neurol. 2019;23(1):143-151.

Roehl K, Falco-walter J, Ouyang B, Balabanov A. Modified ketogenic diets in adults with refractory epilepsy: Efficacious improvements in seizure frequency, seizure severity, and quality of life. Epilepsy Behav. 2019;

Liu YM. Medium-chain triglyceride (MCT) ketogenic therapy. Epilepsia. 2008;49 Suppl 8:33-6.

Arnaud MJ. Mild dehydration: a risk factor of constipation?. Eur J Clin Nutr. 2003;57 Suppl 2:S88-95.

Noureddin S, Mohsen J, Payman A. Effects of psyllium vs. placebo on constipation, weight, glycemia, and lipids: A randomized trial in patients with type 2 diabetes and chronic constipation. Complement Ther Med. 2018;40:1-7.

The post Keto Bloat: Separating Fact from Fiction appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

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