#the post he made about an hour ago already has almost 5k comments

[theplantbish]

Käärijä is on ig apologizing to the Finnish people for not winning

I hate the EBU even more now for making our baby boy feel like he has failed us 😡😭

[yikeswtfmate]

Strange Times || Ch. 1

main masterlist // Strange Times Series Masterlist // next part

Summary: Mickey Pearson sends Raymond to fetch his sister from the airport. He’s never met this woman, but he soon finds out she likes to play with her food first.

Pairing: Raymond (Charlie Hunnam - The Gentlemen, 2020) x Reader

Warnings: swearing; sexual themes; mentions of violence

A/N: Here it is my lovelies, the fic i’ve been telling you about with Charlie Hunnam’s character whom i fell in love with (it’s the beard....and the glasses....and the hair....and the suits......and the whole righthand to a drug lord thing maybe?). I’m still unsure about posting it here because it’s a different type of Reader that i’m used to write (maybe i’ll just switch her to an OC) and it’s not Bonky. So please let me know what you think and whether i should post the next parts as well (it’s already 5k long) but if you don’t like it, this is a “felt cute might delete later” type of situation so no harm no foul. And for those of you who haven’t seen the movie yet, slight spoliers ahead!

The office is quiet, save for the scratching of a pen on paper and the ticking of a clock that is starting to irritate Raymond to no end. He’s been meaning to either throw it out or switch it with the one that is in the living room, but he knows how his boss would not appreciate the disposal of a five thousand pound clock plated in gold. Raymond personally thinks it’s tacky, but it’s Mickey’s house after all, and he should be concentrating on sorting out the logistics for that shipment that’s supposed to go out to Italy anyway. He turns back to his laptop, intent on fulfilling his responsibilities for the day, when Mickey stops writing behind him and clears his throat, demanding his attention.

“Raymond, I need you to go to the airport tomorrow.”

Ray stands up from his chair at the desk and moves to the table in the middle of the receiving room. He’s learned all of Mickey’s tells during the ten years he’s been his righthand man, and when he stops sorting out his agenda to pour himself a cup of tea, Ray knows he needs to stand to attention.

“Any reason in particular?”

“I need you to pick up my sister and bring her to the estate.”

“Your sister?” Ray is utterly confused, mainly for the fact that this would be the very first time he’ll be meeting this woman.

He was aware that Mickey had a sister back in the States, but even though he knows every aspect of Mickey’s life inside and out, this elusive woman is his boss’ best kept secret. He’s unsure whether it’s just brotherly protectiveness, pure paranoia at the prospect of their enemies finding out there’s still another weak link next to Rosalind, or it’s simply the fact that Mickey doesn’t want to talk about his family back home.

He’s heard she’s been studying for a degree in business at Wharton, but he doesn’t know what to expect, for all the odd comments Mickey and Rosalind make about her when they think he’s not listening. One thing he’s completely certain of, however, is how much Mickey looks after her, considering the sizeable amounts of money that are going into her bank account every month.

Mickey raises an eyebrow over his teacup. “I don’t see why you’re acting as if you didn’t know I have a goddamn sister, Ray.”

Raymond shrugs, deciding that it’s best if he won’t tick off his boss at the moment. He’s been on edge ever since the whole debacle with Matthew Berger and Fletcher went down. Mickey’s decided to hold off his retirement plans until someone comes along with a better offer (preferably none of Lord George’s minions though), so he hasn’t only been stressed about maintaining the value of the goods, but also pissed off that he couldn’t just drink whiskey unperturbed all day in a countryside manor.

“I’ve sent you all the details you need. Don’t be late, I don’t want her left unsupervised for too long.”

Raymond nods, eager to go back to his laptop. It’s time for homework, and there’s nothing he love more than information.

“And Ray?” He turns back to Mickey, but the man’s just looking out the window, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Be careful.”

“Of course, boss. I’ll treat her like a princess.”

“It’s not her I’m worried about, you moron.” He says with a frown. “I meant you. She likes to play with her food first.”

*

The private jet should be a surprise, but when you’re in the line of business Raymond is in, he’s practically seen it all. The charcoal trench coat he’s wearing today is flapping in the whirl of wind so it’s a good thing he foregone the machine gun in favour of an inconspicuous handgun. He’s almost certain nothing would come up on their way from Heathrow to Oxfordshire, but he made sure David fully stocked the car before they left, just in case.

He’s waiting patiently in front of the car, lighting a cigarette, while he watches the airport’s employees fuss around the plane. The airstair is released and Ray stands up from leaning against the car. The smoke that he exhales blind him for a second, but he still needs to blink three more times to assure himself he’s not fucking hallucinating when a woman that he can only assume is Y/N Pearson steps off the plane. She drags a hand through her long curls, moving her head from side to side in what must only be slow motion. Her heels click on the pavement as she makes her way towards him, and Raymond smiles involuntarily.

“I see the money’s been treating you well, Raymond. Although I have to admit, I kind of miss the long hair.” She says before Ray can utter a word. She places a manicured finger under his chin, closing his mouth, kissing his cheek with a smack. “You don’t remember me, do you?” Her eyes are patient, as if exhausted after explaining a child the same exact thing for the past hour. “We’ve met fourteen years ago, when Mickey expanded the business to five farms. You were only an errand boy then, remember? Granted, I was only fourteen at that time, a gangly little thing with braces, of course you don’t remember me.”

Raymond’s mind flashes to a vague memory of a girl in a sequinted t-shirt, a choker that could only be worn with so much seriousness by a teenager, and boots with fur, mated in English mud. She blushed to the roots of her hair when he asked her if she knew by any chance where Mr Pearson was, having to deliver a parcel to him personally. She just pointed with a black fingernail towards her left and squeaked something unintelligible before ducking her head and running in the other direction.

“Ah, there he goes.” She sing-songs as she watches his eyes shift in recognition all over her, but there’s nothing left of her teenage self, having grown into her body, comfortable in her skin, confidence built up with precision and care, together with an appropriate, if rather extravagant fashion sense.

“I can’t believe how much you’ve grown.” He says, realising that he sounds like a cliché when she rolls her eyes.

“Right, that’s what happens in life, honey. Can we please go? We can exchange pleasantries in the car, this wind is ruining my hair.”

Raymond keeps the door open for her, nodding to David who just finished loading the trunk with her luggage and he hops in the backseat next to her.

“I hope we’re stopping for lunch on our way.” She warns. “I’m starving and I couldn’t eat anything since I woke up because of those stupid turbulences.”

“Mickey is expecting us to be there in an hour.” He responds cautiously.

“Mickey can go fuck himself. I want a pizza and I haven’t been to Zizzi in a long time, so you better take me there, Raymond, or I’ll just ask David to kindly move to the passenger seat.”

The man in question looks at Ray in the rear view mirror, awaiting instructions. Ray sighs and nods once again, now starting to realise why his boss felt the need to warn him in regard to his sister. He hopes he won’t have to deal with her for long after she’s safely delivered to Mickey, because for all her beauty, she’s starting to piss him off.

“Oh, don’t look so glum.” She chides, after a few minutes of him plainly ignoring her. “I’m good company, I promise. I’m just cranky because I’m hungry. I’m hangry, Ray. I just need you to feed me.” She flutters her eyelashes, and she rests her hand on his thigh, purposefully ticking him off.

Ray shifts in his seat, trying to put as much distance between them, to which she just scoffs and rolls her eyes. This woman is dangerous, and for all his sinful thoughts that have been going through his mind ever since he laid eyes on her, Ray has to remind himself that this is his boss’ little sister, little as in eleven years younger for fuck’s sake. He’s positively sure that if he even lays a finger on her, his balls would be cut off and fed to the hunting dogs.

They finally stop after a short silent trip, and he helps Y/N into the fairy lit restaurant, leaving David posted in front of the car. He hopes there will be no more trouble like last time, having had his share of adventures for the goddamn decade.

Holding a chair for her, Ray waits for Y/N to take off her coat, and now he suddenly feels the need to swallow hard, as he rakes his eyes over her body. She’s wearing a leather skirt that is too tight to possibly be comfortable, but long enough to almost meet her knee high boots; her sweater is thick, appropriate for the cold January weather in the south of England, yet Raymond can’t help but wonder if her nipples are as perfect as her lips. Speaking of which, they curl up in a patient yet satisfied smile, a raised eyebrow that wants to show him she’s merely allowing him to inspect her so blatantly.

After she orders her pizza and Ray asks for a glass of water, clearly showing his disapproval for this unexpected stop. He can feel a nudge on his shin and she smiles at him in a way that he can only describe as charitable.

“You know, I’ve had the biggest crush on you back then.” She says and Ray chokes on his water. “It’s true. You were this tall rugged man with long hair that I wouldn’t have known what to do with then, but would definitely know how to handle now.” She smirks, while Ray raises an eyebrow, silently asking her to stop talking. Mainly because his imagination is starting to go haywire. “The beard suits you. But I kept thinking about licking your jaw all the way here so it’s a shame really that I can’t now. Those were some long 8 hours, Ray, I had to occupy myself somehow.”

“Y/N, you should really stop talking.” Ray would give himself a pat on the back for all the restraint he’s showing at the moment. There’s nothing he would like more than to shove her in one of the bathroom stalls and have his way with her, and by the look in her eyes, she knows exactly what he’s thinking so she’s relentless.

“Why? Afraid Mickey would disapprove? I thought you were a big boy, Ray, who doesn’t have to ask permission.”

“It’s not about permission, and we both know it. Your brother would literally kill me if…”

His words are cut short by the waiter who’s bringing Y/N her food and brazenly ogles her down. Ray can feel his hands involuntarily clench into fists, his jaw set at the man who would not just fucking go and keeps offering her pepper, sauce, or his fucking cock for that matter, because it’s so fucking obvious that’s what he’d actually want to say. Y/N just smiles sweetly, humouring his clumsy flirting, and Ray is more than certain that she’s starting to form a habit of doing things just to piss him off. When she touches the waiter’s forearm, he growls lowly, directing their attention to him. She feigns surprise, but he can read her amusement, while the waiter seems to decide whether to apologise or take his chances and go off. Ray knows that his glasses might put people at ease, making him look approachable, friendly, easy-going at first, but he’s perfected the frown and posture to go with it that puts people immediately in their places. Not to mention that spending over a decade in the business would shape anyone in a ruthless brute if need arises.

“My girlfriend here would like to enjoy her food now, thank you. She doesn’t need anything else, mate, you can go.”

The waiter finally scampers off, and Ray knows he’ll regret saying anything before he turns back to Y/N. She’s smirking like a bloody Cheshire cat if he’s ever seen anyone actually doing it, satisfied beyond belief.

“Don’t.” He warns when she opens her mouth to make a smartass remark, but she raises her hands in surrender and proceeds to eat.

Another battle of restraint and patience, as this woman eats as if she’s in a bloody porn movie, and who the fuck can eat pizza seductively anyway, for fuck’s sake. Raymond takes a deep breath, fishing his phone out of his coat pocket and calls his boss, doing his best to ignore the moans, the finger sucking and the swirling tongue in front of him.

“Hey, boss. Got Y/N from the airport, we’ll just be a bit late.”

“She wanted to eat, didn’t she?” Mickey asks and Ray can hear the exasperation in his voice. Apparently his boss is well aware of his sister’s antics, but it would’ve been better if Raymond were better prepared for the full force of what this woman can get out of him in a short half an hour.

“Tell him to suck a bag of tiny dicks, I don’t need his judgment.” Y/N says between licking a side of her finger and plucking an olive off her slice.

“We’re in Uxbridge, hopefully we’ll be there in an hour or so.” Raymond notifies, choosing to ignore her again.

“Fine. Just…make sure she stays out of trouble. It can stick to her like a fly to shit.” And with that Mickey disconnects the call.

Raymond sighs and puts his phone back. There is an uneasy feeling flowing through him, his instinct telling him to run away in the other direction, to avoid interacting with Y/N at all cost until her return to the States, but there’s another part of him, more primal, more carnal that is drawn to her. He hates it, mainly because there is no logical reasoning behind it, and he’s a very cerebral person, and he can’t figure her out for the life of him. Maybe it’s just the fact that she’s probably the first woman to act like that with him, as if she doesn’t care about the consequences, doesn’t give a toss whether he’ll bite or not. She likes to play with her food first, were Mickey’s words, which make so much more sense now.

Raymond can’t put his finger on it, and although he can have his pick of women anywhere he’d step foot in – he is very much aware of how handsome he is, thank you very much –  there is something about Y/N that demands to be unlocked. Or maybe it’s just that her tits look really great in that sweater and it’s the whole “forbidden fruit” bullshit. Regardless, Ray just wants to drop her off and go back to London where he can drown himself in work so he can forget about her. Or maybe have a night out, pick someone at a bar and pretend it’s her, because he’s absolutely certain by this point that it’s just the novelty of Y/N that lures him in, and definitely not those eyes full of mischief.

***

Taglist: I haven’t tagged anyone in this, as I’m unsure whether you want to read something that’s not Bucky related. Let me know if you do! Toodles!

[rolypolywl]

Hello, and welcome to Roly-Poly weight loss. I’m your host, Roly-Poly.

Welcome to day 27!

So before I jump into our topic, I wanted to do a check in. It is important to check in with your process and your progress every so often. It is one thing to make goals, and another thing to keep yourself on track for achieving them. Too often this is the problem with New Year’s Resolutions. By the end of January we’ve stopped thinking about them.

You might have forgotten, or fallen off the wagon, or not made as much progress as you would have liked, but a check in lets you refocus and restrategize. If you let things continue to slide, you’ll never hit that goal.

I forget where I heard it, but I loved this metaphor. If you drop your phone, you’re not going to decide it is gone and walk away, or that it is ruined and start stomping on it. No, you’re going to pick it up and go back to using it.

If you stop working out, start up again. If you break your diet today, start again at the next meal. If you stop losing weight, assess why and make a new plan. If your goal needs to change, adjust it! Don’t just leave the phone on the ground!

So, we are doing the same thing here. Time for a check in.

I’ve been doing this for just over two months, real time, and that’s awesome! The first month, I noticed some real progress. The weight was creeping off, but it was actually coming off.

This second month, that has changed. And I know that at the beginning of the month I had a wonky week, I expected that. But I expected it to be the exception, not the rule. So I thought through it, trying to find the differences in the two months.

And the difference I found was No Zero Day May. Without tackling my eating, which we are now starting, just doing this cardio exercise for 20 minutes 3 times a week clearly isn’t enough to make a difference.

And it isn’t just the weight. I was sleeping better and had more energy in May than I did in June!

So, I’m going back at it. My goal is to walk, trampoline, or bike at least half an hour a day for this month, and see if that gets me back on the losing track. I am also aiming for one of my life goals, which is to get back into walking 5Ks. And more than that, I want to actually be able to jog and eventually run them. This is something I thought a lot about when I did my goal journaling, as I talked about in week 5.

I have started a partial bullet journal - I’m very proud of it and I’ll likely share some pictures on my tumblr. But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what my goals are, both short and long term. And, as I said, this 5K one is one of my big goals. I have talked about, and will continue to talk about, the fact that I was walking 5Ks before. But I really mean walking, coming in at the end. I want to be able to job them!

So I’m also going to start a Couch - to - 5K program, and work my way up to jogging and running! I’m very excited. This is a three-times-a-week schedule, and I did my first one yesterday, so we’ll see how that goes!

Now, I was a little intimidated by most of the plans I looked at, because they were in, like, a nine and ten week time frame. So I just doubled it! I’m going to be spending twice as long on each goal, and giving myself permission not to have to rush.

If it takes me four months instead of two to get up to jogging/running, that is fine. But that also means that three times a week I’ll be - theoretically - making that half hour walk either a full hour or a jog/walk as I work through the program.

So look for those posts from me too!

I’ll also be getting back into doing 5K walks, so look for those posts too! I already signed up for my first one, in two weeks, so I’m committed!

Finally, this week I’m trying to get into the habit of logging my food. Not changing anything, just eating what I usually would, but keeping track of it. We’re going to start logging in earnest next week, but it is helping me to try to pick up the habit this week.

So, that is my assessment of my process and progress in the last two and a bit months, and my plans going forward. Please take the time periodically to do your own assessment and tweak as needed.

Okay, check in done.

On to the topic!

Which is sadly one I’m sure we’re all familiar with. Fat shaming.

But not the trolls on the internet or looks in public or comments at the grocery store kind of fat shaming. This one is far more dangerous and hurtful.

Doctor fat shaming.

I have been incredibly lucky, and so I didn’t really realize this was a thing, though I’m now looking back over my most recent new doctor to see if it might have been there without me noticing it.

Samantha Bee did an episode of Full Frontal a few months ago which talked about this, and that is how I got clued in. You might have also seen it on Good Morning America.

Now, there are some great points from Good Morning America, and their doctor spells out something that needs to be shouted from the rooftops. “When I got board certified in obesity medicine, we learned the facts; that we don’t understand completely what causes obesity, but we know what doesn’t cause it. It’s not caused by laziness. It’s not caused by a lack of commitment.”

Unfortunately, they made one comment which I found to be true, if slightly missing the point. Or at least today’s point. Doctor Jen pointed out that physicians need to ask to talk to us about our weight, give explanations for why they are making the suggestions they are, and actually help us make a plan to change. But, she also notes that patients need to listen and understand that this is coming from a place of medical knowledge, not of societal meanness.

All of that is good and true, and we do need to listen with an open mind in those situations. But sometimes it *is* coming from a place of societal meanness. Earlier in that segment, before that advice was given, GMA had read a tweet from a viewer who, at 160 pounds and 5’8” oversaw that her doctor wrote obese on her chart.

Um, excuse me? Have you looked at a BMI chart? She is in the “optimal” range for her height!

That isn’t a doctor thinking that she needs to lose some weight for medical reasons, that is legit fat shaming. Samantha Bee gets more into this side of it. As she notes, “One study found that doctors spend less time with obese patients, and they may fail to give them medically necessary tests. Instead telling them they just need to lose weight. Doctor’s fat bias isn’t just rude, its medical negligence that can kill people.”

One of the articles she quotes is this one from the New York Times, and they have some shocking, and sadly relatable stories.

A 58 year old woman who had already lost 70 pounds was having hip pain and went to a doctor. ““He came to the door of the exam room, and I started to tell him my symptoms,” Ms. Nece said. “He said: ‘Let me cut to the chase. You need to lose weight.’”  The doctor, she said, never examined her. But he made a diagnosis, “obesity pain,” and relayed it to her internist. In fact, she later learned, she had progressive scoliosis, a condition not caused by obesity.”

Another woman from that article “suddenly found it almost impossible to walk from her bedroom to her kitchen. Those few steps left her gasping for breath. Frightened, she went to a local urgent care center, where the doctor said she had a lot of weight pressing on her lungs. The only thing wrong with her, the doctor said, was that she was fat.”

Except, of course, obesity doesn’t cause a sudden inability to breathe. Turns out she had blood clots in her lungs, which is, you know, a life threatening condition that this doctor just ignored.

Healthline’s article on doctor fat shaming starts right off the bat with two women both told that their back pain was from their weight. It turns out one had injured her back several years before and the muscle was deteriorating (and all the exercise they told her to do to lose weight was making it worse). The other had ovarian cancer. Both conditions, it should go without saying, that have nothing to do with your weight.

This can also tie into eating disorders, which is an episode coming up, but as this patient notes, “Because I was fat when I first began dieting — and because I didn’t present as emaciated even after I was in the throes of anorexia — every sign of my eating disorder was overlooked.”

This also works in reverse, as some people with metabolic disorders who present as thin aren’t diagnosed because it hasn’t made them fat yet.

And the fat shaming doesn’t even have to be overt! A study was done on this and recently published.

Psychology Today quoted the Professor who presented it. “"Disrespectful treatment and medical fat shaming, in an attempt to motivate people to change their behavior, is stressful and can cause patients to delay health care seeking or avoid interacting with providers," presenter Joan Chrisler, professor of psychology at Connecticut College, said in a statement prior to the APA symposium.  Chrisler added, "Implicit attitudes might be experienced by patients as microaggressions—for example, a provider's apparent reluctance to touch a fat patient, or a headshake, wince or 'tsk' while noting the patient's weight in the chart. Microaggressions are stressful over time and can contribute to the felt experience of stigmatization."”

Again, some of these things aren’t as overt as telling a patient to just lose weight, but it is still blatantly obvious to the patient that you think we’re too fat.

But, unfortunately, as these articles and segments cover, this problem goes beyond just the doctor’s personal fat bias.

For example, CT and MRI scanners. Most have a weight limit in the 350-450 pound range. This is treated for laughs in an episode of House, where he puts the fat guy in the scanner anyway and it breaks. Now they make scanners that can hold heavier people, but those are way less common than you think. Even “bariatric surgery” centers - you know, those places that give weight loss surgeries - don’t often have them.

“Yet CT or M.R.I. imaging is needed to evaluate patients with a variety of ailments, including trauma, acute abdominal pain, lung blood clots and strokes. When an obese patient cannot fit in a scanner, doctors may just give up. Some use X-rays to scan, hoping for the best. Others resort to more extreme measures. Dr. Kahan said another doctor had sent one of his patients to a zoo for a scan.”

If you think having a doctor tsk over your weight is humiliating, try being told you have to go to the zoo and use the elephant scanner.

Now, even if you can get a doctor to listen to you, and to figure out a way to diagnose what is wrong, you can run into complications with your medications.

There are several cases of doctors missing cancer because of fat bias, but even when it is diagnosed, there are problems. “Drug doses are usually based on standard body sizes or surface areas. The definition of a standard size, Dr. Hudis said, is often based on data involving people from decades ago, when the average person was thinner. For fat people, that might lead to underdosing for some drugs, but it is hard to know without studying specific drug effects in heavier people, and such studies are generally not done. Without that data, if someone does not respond to a cancer drug, it is impossible to know whether the dose was wrong or the patient’s tumor was just resisting the drug.”

There is also a problem with anesthesia. If an obese person can get their condition treated, and it needs surgery, they can run into problems. “There are no requirements for drug makers to figure out appropriate doses for obese patients. Only a few medical experts, like Dr. Hendrikus Lemmens, a professor of anesthesiology at Stanford University, have tried to provide answers.”

It turns out that some anesthesias should be counted by lean body fat, not total body fat, and using “average” person numbers leads to overdoses for obese people. This leads to complications after surgery. Oh, and you know why so many doctors won’t do knee or hip replacements in obese arthritis patients until they fall below some magic and arbitrary BMI line? Because they don’t want their percentage of complication-free surgeries to come down. Well maybe if you gave us the right doses of anesthesia we could help you with that!

Now, as we know, all of this medical fat shaming doesn’t help. Well science is finally on our side! “"Stigmatization of obese individuals poses serious risks to their psychological health. Research demonstrates that weight stigma leads to psychological stress, which can lead to poor physical and psychological health outcomes for obese people."”

One specialist noted, “"It's not unlike the way we treated depression 40 years ago. Only, instead of telling people to 'get over it', we say, 'just eat right and exercise.' We know there are economic, cultural, political and environmental elements causing this problem, yet our approach to treatment puts sole responsibility on the patient's behavior."”

So, what can we do about this? Most of us might be inclined not to go to the doctor at all. I’ve certainly fallen into this category. But, Healthline offers some other advice. “If a practitioner automatically advises weight loss, with no regard for symptoms or thorough examinations, one of my go-to responses is to ask them how they’d handle the situation if dealing with a thin patient.  Would their diagnosis be the same? Would they prescribe weight loss rather than blood work, physical therapy, X-rays, or medication?”

You can also ask not to be weighed, or give them a letter at the start stating that you would like to focus on your health and not your weight. And, of course, if that doesn’t help, find a doctor who won’t fat shame you. More and more of them are being trained in this, and it is spreading.

So that’s it for today! Like I said, heavy topic but far too relevant to most of us.

This has been Roly Poly Weight loss. As always, I am your host, Roly Poly. Share your stories, with the hashtag #FatShaming. And please use this as a safe space to discuss your own experiences.

And please join me next time!

[topicprinter]

As mentioned in previous posts, I’m an eCommerce consultant / digital strategist. I work with a lot of early stage companies to help them figure out strategies to help achieve exponential growth for their businesses. This is another blog post in progress but figured I’d share here first, so tuck in for a fairly long one.My advice below includes several assumptions. The first is that you’re a startup. The second is that you haven’t been through a major funding round, and are either bootstrapping or don’t have bottomless pools of disposable marketing dollars.Over the past couple of years almost every client I’ve worked with has the same innovative plan to become the next billion dollar eCommerce startup using influencer Marketing.They’ve done their research. Read the case studies about all the brands that made it big through influencer campaigns. They’ve crunched some numbers and are confident it’s the right approach for them.“InstaBro has 1 million Instagram followers and they’re all in my target demographic. Even if I pay him $10,000 and just 10% of his audience buys from me, that’s 100,000 sales. I’m making out like a bandit. I can find tons of people like that. Its win win.”Or“I’m smarter than those guys, I’m just going to go for the small fish influencers. They don’t cost much other than free product, What do I have to lose?”.Unfortunately, its not so easy anymore. Influencer marketing is no longer the guaranteed golden-goose secret weapon wielded by only the savviest millennial entrepreneurs. The secret is out, and the magic of the foolproof low-cost, mass-market revenue source is gone.The term “Influencer” is very broad. Technically its anybody who has the power to influence the actions of others. It could be an actor, a model, an industry expert…even the popular kid at school is an influencer.The Influencer I’m referring to is specifically anybody leveraging some level of “internet fame” to encourage followers to engage with a product or brand via online media channels. These people may have legitimate success within their areas of focus. Often they’re influencers simply because they’ve somehow managed to convince enough people that they’re influential. Welcome to 2018.Influencer marketing as an advertising channel has exploded over the last 3-5 years or so. Companies of all sizes shell out thousands of dollars for sponsored posts, Youtube videos, photos, podcasts…anything to get their name in front of that coveted Gen Z / Millennial demo. And every other teenager dreams of making it big, living easy blowing vape clouds and unboxing lip kits on Youtube or Instagram.In response, an entire sub sector within the digital marketing industry has grown to support this wave. “Influencer marketing agencies” and consultants are popping up left and right. They sign kids & mommy bloggers up by the dozen, convincing them they can make thousands per post if they hustle hard enough. At the same time, influence marketers woo unwitting companies to shell out thousands with the promise of big returns by flaunting big follower counts.The unfortunate reality is that my clients who come to me after already experimenting with influencer campaigns often have 0 idea about the actual the effectiveness of these campaigns. It doesn’t take a lot of complicated analysis before I have to break the bad news that the campaign was a failure. Sometimes the loss is nothing more than some free product and a few hours of the founders’ time, other cases its in the tune of many thousands of dollars.After analyzing countless influencer campaigns, the fact I’ve found is that traditional influencer marketing model is rarely is worth the time & money for your average startup.Estimating the effectiveness of an influencer campaign to a bootstrapping startup comes down to fairly simple math. The inputs are a mix of known numbers and educated guesses. How much will it cost? How many impressions will be generated? What percentage of those impressions are going to actively seek out your website or product? Of those visitors, how many of them will actually buy from you at some point in the future?Unfortunately the average entrepreneur might not be that savvy with marketing math, while many people along the road have motivations to inflate numbers. The influencer will try to impress you with big follower & subscriber counts. And your marketing guy will convince you they’re doing a good job with inflated result figures. The hungry entrepreneur may be quick to forget that 1 million followers does not equal 1 million impressions…and 1 million views definitely does not equal 1 million conversions.Maybe a single one of InstaBro’s posts is only seen by 10% of his 1 million followers. That’s just 100,000 impressions. Of those 100k impressions, if you’re lucky 5% of those will actually make it to your website. Now you’re at just 5,000 visits for your campaign (at $10k for the post, that’s almost $2 per click….a high amount to pay if this were a CPC campaign.) Influencer sourced visits are typically low converting. Generously maybe you’ll see a 1% conversion rate…or 50 purchases.So that’s the question, is 50 purchases worth $10,000 for you? Are non converting impressions worth anything to you at this stage?In reality, the actual percentages end up far lower than my example, with visit & conversion rates well under 1%. And more often than not, these campaigns don’t generate enough revenue to justify the time or expense.So why are Influencer marketing campaigns increasingly failing? Heres some of the big reasons:Reason #1: Theres a massive price bubble.In the beginning influencers didn’t know how much they’re worth. At the same times, companies new to the channel had no idea what to pay them. This was the time when you heard the magical tales of companies spending $5k on their entire influencer channels, going viral and raking in millions in revenue. But as Influencers caught on, naturally their worth became tied to their follower counts, and an arms race ensued for the best engagers. As those big guys become priced out of reach, companies flocked to the next tier down in search of a “bargain”…and so on. Well funded companies who didn’t want to miss out on the gold rush, and who don’t care about short term return….paid whatever these kids asked.All of this has lead to a steadily increasing price demanded by influencers at every quality tier. Since their cost per post are linked to their follower counts and not conversion rates, there is little correlation between the high prices demanded and the actual potential value of results for you.Put simply, the best influencers are often more expensive than they’re worth.Reason #2: There are a lot of terrible influencers out there, and identifying them isn’t always easy.Objectively gauging the true quality of an influencer pre-campaign has become extremely difficult.Once upon a time, followers or subscriber counts was in fact a good gauge of popularity…and thus, what a post or campaign by an influencer might be worth. Of course, it didn’t take long for people to start buying followers or using bots to boost numbers.Then marketers got smart and started looking at “engagement” instead as a metric of worth. But wannabe influencers gamed system again with “like for like” or “comment for comment” schemes, sometimes backed by sophisticated engagement-pumping botnets.But even if the person has tons of legitimate views, likes, & followers, its still almost impossible to answer “how receptive are this influencer’s followers to actually being influenced”? If they have a bunch of followers who like their posts but don’t really care about purchasing what they’re peddling, they don’t have real influence at all.Reason #3: Over saturation and no staying power.Many of these serial “influencers” are pushing products all day every day. If you’re hiring “the widget guy”, he might be promoting a new widget every day. This pretty much kills the whole “it works because his followers think you’re special” potential, and seriously limits potential efficacy. . There is such a thing as consumer marketing fatigue.At the same time, using mediums like Instagram, your post will become buried within 48 hours, and is undiscoverable via search engines. So if you don’t generate results in that time period, you post you spent $5k on is essentially dead in the water.Not too long ago I advised clients to use the strategy of “the big guys are overpriced…find the smaller ‘diamond in the rough’ influencers…don’t pay them much, or just give them free product. That’s how you’ll beat the system.” But over time I learned the time it takes to manage such campaigns is rarely worth the actual result. I’ve seen plenty of cases where an influencer with 50k-100k followers only manages to generate one or two sales from a post at the cost of $500-$100+.Of course, Influencer Campaigns can work…as proven by plenty of high profile examples. However, effective execution typically relies on serious money, and returns may not be immediate. Some effective strategies that probably pay off in the long run1. Major Celebrity endorsement.As mentioned one of the difficulties of successful influencer marketing is quantifying their true power of influence. 1 follower of the random guy with 1000 followers may not be equal to 1 follower of the next guy with 1000 followers. The power of influence on an individual is based on many highly subjective factors.Celebrity endorsements are a way around this problem. Well known celebs tend to have massive fanbases who don’t hesitate to buy whatever they’re selling…wearing…promoting. These campaigns can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not millions of dollars…but they’ve been proven effective pretty much since the dawn of modern advertising. Just look at what Kylie Jenner has done making a billion dollars essentially selling fancy lip gloss.2. Carpet bombing.This is my own term for the strategy which entails hiring every influencer you can possibly land, of all tiers & regardless of cost. The aim is to get your brand in front of as many potential customer eyes as possible. It’s a proven fact that people are more likely to buy a product they encounter over and over again. If somebody sees one influencer post about your brand, they’ll probably ignore it. If they start seeing their entire feeds fill up with posts about your brand…they’re going to take notice.However, this is a brand awareness strategy more than a conversion driver. Which means investing a lot of time & money now, for a return you might not make back for a long time. This puts it out of reach for many bootstrapping startups3. Review PostsPaying for legitimate reviews of your product is a great use of influencer marketing dollars. Online shoppers not only look for reviews before purchasing a product…many wont’ buy a product without them. Review posts are great because often they cost little more than some free product, and they’re search engine discoverable for a long time. But not just any review is a good one. They should be of high quality, posted on Youtube or a permanent blog, and SEO optimized. Reviews provide long lasting value through last-touch SEO impactOther than those instances and maybe a handful of others, Influencer Campaigns are rarely worth running for most businesses. And when you crunch the math, your bootstrapped marketing dollar is probably better spent on other digital channels.But I understand at this point some of you still reading probably think I’m full of crap, I must not have been doing it right, your friend Mike did it and it worked…if everyone is doing it, there must be something to it…you’re smart enough to make Influencer Marketing work for you.So when you ignore my advice t are some good rules to follow if you’re going to experiment with this channel.Influencer content should ideally be both permanent and high quality. A single Instagram post that’s buried in 2 days and not searchable on Google is worth a lot less than a video product review on Youtube that will stay at the top of the SERP indefinitely.Do the right math, and focus on the right numbers to analyze real value of an influencer before engaging them. Strong analytics is the cornerstone to any successful digital marketing push.Influencers try to throw the biggest numbers they can squeeze out. Often it becomes evident the numbers that matter don’t stack up. They may try to woo you with their 1 million followers…100,000 person email list….90% return rate of past clients. But whats their real engagement? How often do they post? Whats their real conversion rate? Do they even know these things? Even if all you give them is free stuff…your time is money. If you can’t do this yourself, it may be worth it to hire someone to do it for you.2b. Make sure you do the right math after the campaign to determine if it was actually effective at all. This sounds obvious, but too many marketers are looking at all the wrong benchmarks, and make bad decisions as a result.Influencer marketing works for some industries better than others. Take into consideration how your customers are actually buying. A fashion brand is much more likely to have success with this channel than say, selling some SAAS business.Of course its also imperative to learn how to spot the fakers. Influencers on every media channels use sophisticated techniques intended to make themselves look more popular than they really are. These techniques are constantly changing. You need to be smarter than they are.Be prepared to dedicate the manpower. An effective influencer strategy is time consuming. Recruiting new influencers, monitoring performance, keeping your brand ambassadors active is an ongoing effort. Often too much effort for a founding business operator to handle on their own during a time when they have bigger fish to fry. If you don’t have a marketing director on board…get an intern, or table this idea for later.Friends & family are still king. The best “influencer” for anyone isn’t some internet celebrity, but rather word of mouth from people they know. Referral campaigns are still one of the best ways to effectively generate sales without marginal spend. In summation, can Influencer Marketing work for you? Sure it could. But the real question you should be asking is if Influencer Marketing is the best way to put your precious dollars to work over other digital marketing channels.Anyway, I could go on all day about Influencer Marketing, and this post was certainly not exhaustive, but hopefully will give you some things to think about before adding it into your marketing mix. If you still have doubts, go ahead and experiment. Just be smart. At the end of the day, regardless of what I say…if its working for you, keep doing what you’re doing.