#the pieces arent connecting... it dont make no sense! no sense at all!!!

[mukuberry]

I dont think Amane's mother killed the cat but i think Amane thinks she did.

Anyway this scene is weird to me. Why did the killer even take the collar and handkerchief off? Why is the collar and handkerchief just left there? Did whoever killed the cat leave it there purposely for Amane to find? Killing animals is against the cults rules, but there's no way whoever killed it doesn't know that. Why is the collar cut as well as unclipped? Was there some weird struggle? Cutting it isn't necessary if you can unclip it, which whoever killed the cat clearly did. It's weird!!!!!!!!!

[spectrumgarden]

Laying in bed sick thinking about how theres a learning curve in interacting with me, even just communication. And how because I mainly interact with my caretaker, who's my mother, and then other people in my family like my sister and her husband, or maybe my therapist, I dont really experience this learning curve a lot usually. Because they all got used to it long ago.

They know that when I'm pointing to something after a question it's likely to answer it, even if the connection isnt immediately obvious. "Do you want to eat?" If I point to the clock. It means more time, it means later. They understand this. Others dont. That when I'm pointing to something without you asking a question, it's to get your attention on something that needs an action from you, or asking if it needs an action on my side (generally). No, I'm not pointing at the window to show u something going on outside like that cloud or that bird, I'm pointing at the window to ask if it's okay to leave open. Etc.

I not only point, I also gesture, a lot. Other people understand my gestures for maybe, for here, for there, but the rest? Not usually. I stand in the room and gesture the movement scissors make with my fingers. I'm asking where the scissors are. Ask if I want to eat, and I tap my wrist twice on the outside. It means later, because that's where people wear wristwatches, and it means time, it means later. They dont understand it, my mother does.

That when I communicate in one word "sentences", I cant ask questions the normal way. I cant say "how long?" "Whats wrong?" Etc Because that's two words. Now if I only do the question word (how, what, when, ...) then my question will literally not make sense. How what ? So I have to simply say "long". And you have to understand that this is me asking a question, even if my tone might not be the best. I say "long" and I'm asking, how long does this food take until it's done? I'm not randomly saying a word. It means something.

It's all very context heavy communication in ways that average communication isnt, so people arent used to it. They're not used to piecing together gestures and one word sentences and their environment and their own previous statements. They can learn how to do it, usually... but it takes time.

And it's hard to describe how incredibly frustrating it is as a disabled person with communication difficulties to go from a environment of people who mostly understand your style of communication to one where people dont, and being forced to use AAC constantly despite it being incredibly exhausting mentally and taking long as fuck, just to be understood at a baseline level.

[pumpkinsy0]

I love how the fandom loves The Shepards more than Mrs. Hinton. She may have created them, but I'm sorry but it was us that made them unique. I just feel like she didn't go into detail with Curly or Tim (a little more with Curly) that she did with her last book or characters. She basically just slut shamed Angela the entire book. Tim was reduced to what was one a mysterious, tough actual gang leader to just someone Curly calls to beat someone up and poor Curly never stood a chance, he was once Ponyboy's mysterious "other friend" we never got to see in the first book and was reduced to just.....a meaner school yard bully.

I'm not bashing TWTTIN because I actually like the book but I'm just kinda....disappointed.

YAHOO!!1!1!1!1! ANON THINK PIECE IN MY INBOX YAHOOOOO

BUT UR SO REAL FOR THIS i like that everyone has their own rendition of the shepards

even though mines is literally so canon and so real and the most correct one out of them all🙄🙄 /j

i like that everyone just took the shepards and made them their own fleshed out characters, i think thats super cool, but she had the opportunity to gives us rlly interesting characters and she just kinda fucked up a lil??😭😭

im not saying the characters in twttin r one dimensional bc if u squint, especially w the shepards except like, minus tim, they rlly arent, but they dont feel rlly fleshed out either???

when it comes to angela shes the most characterized antagonist???? ig u could say, but it just feels like the part where ur supposed to sympathize w her in that car kinda falls flat in the book, maybe thats just me who felt like that, like all hcs and ideas of angela aside, only going by the book, i think it falls flat but maybe thats just me, not saying i HATE it, but i wish there was more to that in someway if that makes sense

my personal issue w twttin is that it felt like we were being TOLD the story and not actually being showed it, so i felt a lil disconnect w everything and couldnt build a connection w like most of the characters, se hinton said she pretty much forced herself to write the book and i say this so nicely but to me it felt like it showed, i have other problems w the book but idk rant for another time ig

im glad u at least liked it tho!!!! i just wish the characterization in general was done better

[kozykricket]

ok idc about scott cawthon hes a whole can of worms but like

for those out of the loop he did another interview with Dawko and like. i just think 2 things should be taken away from this for those who arent big FNAF fans:

i find it funny that he revealed that his way of storytelling that makes him seem like a genius (though tbf hes admitted he didnt have everything planned from the getgo) is... to just like. put stuff in a game where hes like "yeah thats definitely a mystery right there that'll be revealed later. i dont exactly know how or what precisely it is, but thats good. i can figure out how to go back to that in the next game" like it works?? ig?? what he said was that he lays down strings (by putting mysterious stuff in) that he can later tug on and connect to something in the next game. but what really gets me is the reason security breachs story was so confusing so, apparently. he... didnt want to TELL steel wool studios the story and lore to the game, and he just told them like. what he wanted them to make. he gave an example of how he didnt intend "burntrap" to be The Return of William Afton Again, but just to be some spooky thing that you'd see peering at you from corners. that wouldnt even move at all but he just... told them things to model! like hey, make this corpse in a rabbit suit thing. and they were like okaaay so this is... the revival of the main villain again maybe? sure yeah we'll make him like that, we'll make more stuff to really sell that. like animating him he admitted this was a really dumb thing to do, to not communicate clearly but GOD like THAT IS. THAT MAKES A LOT MAKE SENSE. IF YOU DONT TELL THEM WHAT ANY OF THE PIECES YOURE TELLING THEM TO MAKE MEANS... THEN THEY WONT PUT THOSE PIECES TOGETHER OR USE THEM FOR THE THINGS THAT YOU HAD INTENDED THEYLL TAKE EM IN WAY DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS

all in all

given the pieces but not the plot and trying to put a plot together primarily out of pieces that were intended for a very specific story. leads to erm. a peculiar story subnautica below zero

[prettyboykatsuki]

excuse my disturbance and my bad english but i must say that im completely in love with your mind. at this point it feels like a puzzle and every other post you make gives me another piece and i have to figure out where to place it, it gives me an idea of the way you think of certain things? hope it doesn't sound weird. im just trying to express my fascination of your writings and the indepth of your overall characterisations especially. this started with your perception of the itoshi brothers because for me they have been frustrating to understand. its like they are pretty much an open book so it's not hard to understand them and their bond and read into their personality at all but sometimes it feels so blurry you know? and i just can't connect it and it makes me insane. but the way you put them into words feels so easy and simple that makes me even more insane. maybe im just crazy and obsessed about it i honestly dont know. the way you also generally use sexuality as a tool to explain characters feelings/mind is so interesting to me as an inexperienced person. so yeah i just wanted to let you know that i really really appreciate your writings! and what i originally wanted to ask is what books do you think the itoshis would read? or which authors they'd prefer? the books a person reads gives me an idea of their mind, and i love you characterisation of rin and sae so i would love to know your thoughts if you don't mind! sending lots of love :)

WAH!! first of all hello! ur english is perfectly find and understandable do not worry at all!!! but also the opening sentence for this ask is so sweet as is the rest of it?? im flopping around like a wet noodle and whatnot.

i feel like i never make any sense like in the slightest so this ask really surprised me a lot JFSDKJSFS. im always talking out of my ass and while being articulate is important to me i only succeed like half of the time in my own head. so it means a lot that you think the way !! and im really honored that u are so fascinated by my smooth wrinkle free brain

i think the itoshi bros are indeed frustrating if you're not like really consciously examining their characters which most people arent since bllk is primarily about isagi!!! while the rin sae arc is really good its still a side plot and its mostly meant for rin. it took me another good long read and some brainstorming to figure out what sae was like because on the surface he's a really shitty jerk

i like to think of myself as a character first writer!! my stories are not as driven by the environment as other peoples (though im working on being better at that) and most of my writing is pretty character driven. in general i am obsessed with human behavior in a kind of neurotic way sdkjfsk and sometimes that comes out as i write. sexuality is an aspect of that obsession which is why it plays an important part in everything i write.

as for authors for the itoshi bros... i dont think either of them read that much. for sae - i imagine he reads a lot of nonfiction about soccer and sports psychology. unlike rin who has other interests, sae thinks his main flaw is that he's only interest is soccer and i think that extends to his reading.

rin loves horror canonically so probably horror books more than anything? someone like yukito ayatsuji who writes a lot of well received japanese horror

[wirtsroom]

a digital circus review but its kind of long and complainy lmfao

tldr: i wish it was good but i didnt like it, may hold hope for the future episodes

okay so. ive been semi following digital circus for a while cuz like. i like gooseworx' stuff! shes got a good flow, sense of style, yadda yadda. and same goes for kevins stuff too!! when they released the mini trailers i was intrigued!

but like. the pilot is. okay how do i start this

the plot: i know its just the pilot, but its really showing its cards way too early and completely unsubtle. its supposed to be all "ahhh ur in the pc scary!" but its so hamfisted in its existential delivery we cant even begin to immerse in the world. like. we have an interesting premise of being in an environment akin to early pc games for kids! theres a whole fun circus! but rarely in the episode do we go for a romp in those ideas, rather we are all just "oh no were all crazy here. mwahahahah" and thats BORINGGGGG. the pacing feels also way to fast for us to truly be unsettled. bam, youre here, the clowns evil, youre in the backrooms or whatever, done. it goes too fast and shows too many ideas at once to be honest.

the characters: theyre standard as far as 00s inspired characters go. they all fit a certain trope in modern psychological horror and nothing is left to the imagination really. jax is your bitchboy tumblr fave, pomni is the fish out of water, ragatha has to be the Nice One, zooble is. well she was there. the fucking chess piece guy was there to allude to viewers the horrors or whatevr and then the comedy face character is just for comic relief. while again this IS a pilot, i have no idea how these characters will be you know. interesting to the plot. like jax is going to just be the depressed self aware guy i can see that but is there anything else he can give? do we have interesting connections to these characters? will any of them have thematic pieces for their designs? I dont know i want them to hit but they feel kind of surface level with little allusion.

the aesthetic: sorry im kind of a cunt for this THEY ARE NOOOT USING THE SETTING TO ITS MAXIMUM POTENTIAL!!!!! THE WHOLE PC GAME THING IS JUST SET DRESSING AND LITTLE ELSE!!!! LIKE "OHHH ARENT YOU SCARED BC THIS IS THE HAPPY PLACE WHEN ITS EVIL?" LIKE COME ON!!! WHERES THE JANK! WHERES THE WEIRD PUZZLE GAMES! DOES NOBODY HERE ASIDE FROM THE RINGMASTER DO ANYTHING? WHY IS IT SO HUGE? and also the animation is. kind of now clashing witht the style. Like not really- obviously all the directors on the animation aspect ARE talented, have industry level experience, but its smooth and modern approach sort of makes the setting even less connected. and in some cases the intentional breakage can be really good!!! but it feels too polished, too clean for its chosen period.

an aside?: i dont know see cuz it has a good idea! horror set within my moms old pc, but it doesnt want to even test out a twist or anything. Everyone here is trapped, everyone is crazy, theres liminal spaces, its all stuff i come to expect with an analog themed horror series, and its horror is very minimal. it has no grip on anything, it just wnats to make you feel sad for pomni and go Oh no isnt it scary? Awww nooo scary void wahh! Like it feels almost on the nose, too empty and too big to really utilize it. also im salty theyre selling 40 dollar tshirts for a pilot like. come on

but yeah i didnt. i dont know as i try to remember it now i cant think of anything that stood out. sure it was pretty looking but nothing horrific is staying with me at all. and AGAIN it IS just a pilot!!!!! things can change!!! i might be wrong!!!! but i dont see any horror in the stuff they are providing me bc it feels too safe

[caseythebunnyboy]

sorry this is so out of the blue but it’s so so nice seeing other SEA trans people!!! i feel like i never come across people like me online (esp. in nsfw spaces) so this blog genuinely came as a really pleasant surprise <3 also ur outfit in that bunny post is SO cute

okay this probably wont make sense to people who arent poc but this actually means so much to me. i have a really big history on having internalized racism and feeling like im "lesser than" white people. to be honest, it still effects me to this day in small ways, but thats another topic for another day- there are so many layers that influence how i see my race that connects with my sexuality and gender identity that you cant really explain to others, they just have to experience it themself.

(im gonna put the rest under the cut because this is probably gonna be long and i dont wanna clog your dashboard/screen)

another thing is that ive felt like i was a "lesser" asian as well. im not chinese, japanese, or korean so my entire identity of being asian is constantly being questioned and pushed aside because im not one of the pretty, well known asians. it made me feel inferior for so long and took me years to get over, and honestly im not sure if im over it yet, but its definitely died down more.

this ask means so much to me because it makes me feel like just by existing as a south east asian, (a group of people that are often ignored and doubted as to whether or not theyre the race they are) and being proud of it, im helping my people not be ashamed of it too. because the sad reality is that almost every single one of my fellow south east asian friends have wished they were white when they were younger.

i wouldve done anything to get younger me to be proud of his color, rather than trying to whiten it whenever he drew himself, rather than wishing he were american, and rather than despising his own country and people for 12 years. he was blinded by inferiority to the point were it became a mindset that we were lesser. that white people are cooler and more advanced, that my countrys history was boring, and that my culture could never compare.

when i was 13 i finally got out of that mindset, but little bits and pieces linger around that i try my best to ignore. now iam an adult man that is proud of my countrys culture, music, fool and people. it makes me happy that i made someone go "oh i found someone else like me!" because yes! we are like each other! and im so glad you feel proud of that, since i am too!!! surprisingly, we arent that uncommon, i have a whole friend group of south east asians that are also trans, you just have to look closely to find us hehe

theres a whole other topic about how me being poc (that isnt all that common or well known) affects my experience being queer but honestly thats a suuuuper long topic i could talk about for hours, so i wont get in to that here. anon, if youre still reading this because i know this is long as hell, please feel free to dm me so we can talk!! i wanna get to know a fellow trans south east asian, and who knows, we might even be from the same country!

last thing, im happy you guys like my outfit in the bunny posts, will post more pictures of me in it i swear! 💜 thats all i can fit in to one post, again, thank you so much anon. i hope you have a great day 😊

[sereniv]

hi! i saw one of your posts about native americans reconnecting, but i have a hard time understanding things so i thought i’d just ask you specific question:

So, i wanna reconnect to my native side, but i dont know if its disrespectful or not. Basically, i look really white and dont tan easily. I have some native features and all but they arent that noticeable.

now some backstory about my native side:

i know two or more of my relatives died on the trail of tears on my moms side that i know about. We have their information and stuff like that where it shows that they are native. then i have 2 more ancestors i know of who were my great great grandparents. they were native and i believe they lived in a reservation or tribe. I think my great great grandma died in like the late 1800’s. Then, their grandchild, whos my great grandma, you could tell she was really native by looking at her if that makes sense. she died in 2004.

my great uncle on my dad’s side also lives on a reservation too.

i know i have more native ancestors because the native ancestors i know of for sure, have like 5+ children or a bit less.

most of my native ancestors were like in the 1800’s to early 1900’s.

i know i belong to a few tribes, one of them being cherokee. My mom told me the other tribes but i forgot the names.

neither me or my parents grew up around the culture, but i want to learn more about my family and where i come from and be involved in the culture.

Would it be disrespectful if i called myself a native or reconnect?

sorry if this doesn’t make sense or if its too long i’ve just been wondering about this for a while

have a good day <3

Wow this is a lot!

ok so

Firstly, though i get what you are meaning, there is no one way to look native. But i assume you mean looking sterotypically native, but again that doesnt hold up to mean much in terms of you being native

Secondly, when it comes to reconnecting (and calling yourself native) you should ask yourself why its important.

For me, i had always struggled with identity especially on forms, though not as native. I was told i was native but it was unclear because no one would talk about it.

Then i connected with a cousin and learned some info and found out i have Yaqui heritage and it felt like a piece of the puzzle. But that created a new emptyness that needed a piece and i still have that, and thats the actual reconnecting

Reconnecting looks a lot of ways, but the biggest thing is community. what are you doing for the community either within your tribes or indian country as a whole

this can mean learning your language (what im doing), learning your history (i am slowly). getting involved which can mean many things from donating to participating

but it shouldnt be a preformance. you should still be you. finding out youre native or reconnecting doesnt mean suddenly you are now more spiritual or that you have to look or be some certain way

Reconnecting is catching up on what you didnt grow up on. its going slow. its understanding your place in the community

now everyone is different, but for me i dont think ill ever feel Native like i belong. ill always feel like an outside ill always doubt myself.

But ive tried ignoring it and "just being white" like ive tried in the past and it always feels like a lie. but it would also feel like a lie if i didnt include being white (italian), because i am white. but i am also native.

Recognizing your privileges as someone who looks white and (if like me) grew up white is important.

But also internalizing that being White isnt bad. Which sounds silly, but a lot of mixed people nd people reconnecting tend to see their white side as tarnishing. as bad or boring

White as a race doesnt exist. Race doesnt exist BUT it exists in our society, therefor its still an important distinction in conversations

For example. White privilege, not Italian privilege But Italian heritage and ancestry, not white heritage and ancestry

What i always tell people is before focusing on claiming native, is to first claim your white side. Because every "white" culture (maybe except british idk lol) has its own music, language, history, food, traditions and customs, etc.

For me im big on family and ancestry, to imagine the people and their lives who came before me. I like thinking about it

So being italian i feel pride, not because i grew up italian culture, but because that is my history. i was always told i was italian growing up. that is part of me. same as being scottish/irish. it all is a story and im interested in that story

But i always knew more about being italian and scottish/irish, rather than Mexican/hispanic/native. and thats because my dad wasnt in my life which is why it was a big part of me that felt empty

Now you dont have to have struggled with identity or anything like that

but you have to have a reason. And the thing is, is you can even NOT claim native. You can say you have native heritage, you can learn you can do everything youd do if you claimed it, but recognize that You as a person just arent native your history is, but maybe you just cant feel that connection

and thats fine. But hold out on claiming native until you can tell whether or not you Are. And that is different for everyone.

But recognizing your history and heritage is a great way of connecting without Being. its hard to explain

The reason why i claim and not just recognize is out of anger at assimilation in the family. native and italian. out of the feeling of loss, never have grown up with any of it because of assimilation

I have family who is enrolled, i have family who speaks italian. and im bitter because i always felt ..something about that even though i could never put it into words. and still cant really

So ask yourself why claiming native is important. what does being native mean to you? for me it feels like defiance and it feels like embodiment and it feels like reconnecting (though because of disability i cant do even half of what i would like, but i do my best)

I feel so much anger and sadness and longing and in a way worse than i was before i learned more about my heritage. i feel even more broken in pieces especially when i cant participate because no one records anything and i cant make zoom calls because im always too tired

or when theres memes and i dont get them, italian or mexican or native or yaqui

and this is common ive found for mixed and people who are reconnecting

its a commitment. that you can go back on i guess

but for me thats not an option even if i wanted to because i would again, feel like im lying

First thing you want to do is sit on it, think about what is important, connect with your other sides be interested in that

ask yourself what this all means and address your initial feelings

and remember that you can recognize your history, your heritage, without claiming it.

which can sound confusing. but it feels different. you refer to it differently. You are an ally, rather than being.

i feel like im in the middle, the line always moving. back and forth but always in the middle

And ive seen people ive talked to, realize that they dont connect to being native. That acknowledging their history, and even being involved while not claiming feels right. that claiming never had heft to it. it was empty words

but acknowledging can feel just as meaningful as claiming could feel. full, and meaningful and like a piece to your puzzle

So really introspect, think about it, get involved

and for other people's sake, only claim if you Are. because its not like a Queer identity where you can try it on

it can hurt people if you just try it on.

And i know for me it felt like i had to make up for lost time right away. but i realized that i have time. it shouldn't feel like making up for lost time. you accept that the past happened. and thats it

talk to people, learn your language, your history, know where you are in a conversation by sticking to what youve experienced and letting others talk when its something you havnt experienced

and just be in the present. there is no rush, there is no alarm. And it can feel that way, like you have to cram everything in.

But when you claim native it should be because you Are native. And that means you have always been

because native isnt just one thing. and it is also not blood quantum

and it also isnt just 'a feeling' (like, in a sterotype way)

Its really hard to explain but basically, slow down. you have all the time in the world to figure these things out. your heritage and history arent going anywhere.

when i talked to my cousin, i felt waves of emotion all kinds, and it felt like i had to rush. almost like before this information floated away i had to catch it

and it was anxiety inducing, i guess thats what it was, anxiety

but now i feel more normal. still have issues lol, but i feel i can relax more and know that i have all the time in the world to reconnect. even if that means learning a new word a month if thats the best i can do.

i could go on but i think this is long enough sorry i tend to type a lot 😅

sorry if i didnt answer everything, you can re-ask and clarify if you want

edit: also idk if i put this already but you should look into your tribe and contact them or family members like cousins and actually like confirm that you have history with that tribe thats where you start when reconnecting

it can get complicated if you can't figure it out and it doesnt mean you aren't native but cross that bridge when you come to it.

and this is just one story, one feeling, one opinion

i recommend going to reddit in the the mixed subreddit or native american (theres no real sub for mixed natives so you can try both) and asking your question you asked me to get a more well rounded view

[basslinegrave]

living up to my blog name or something. william rant. long.

in my personal william lore i think he was initially huge and tall and fat and strong in the way that a big man is, not necessarily muscle but enough to take down a person (and especially a small kid) however as time went on he started getting weaker and weaker, both with age and mental health, and this resulted in him relying on machines more (see sister location animatronics) to do the job for him but during all of this he also finds comfort and strenght in his bonnie suit, becoming springtrap is as much a prison as it is freedom, as the suit controls him just as he controls the suit but it definitely is an added strenght, and he fears death more than ever so even if he becomes the weakest, he remains, and he does still, even after death, idc im grasping at straws here, he is too, and he will be around until he is nothing. pizzasim ending was of course really good, (aside from the fact that henry showed up out of nowhere, only making sense if he was locked up until now, but people take him as a hero when he absolutely is not. he isnt a good man, he is morally grey at best imo) but with parts of william obviously lingering in later games, this doesnt have to be his last ending (as it wasnt his first) and seeing the books where he becomes agony, his body literally exploding but allowing the story to continue by his ghost coming back and im holding onto that. fazfrights arent to be taken as canon, but sb ruin changed that for me.. but before that - glitchtrap isnt fully him but a piece or memory of him, how the process was so long and he wasnt truly human for many years even before becoming springtrap, to me he was both a monster in a metaphorical sense but also, if he was injecting remnant to himself, wouldnt it slowly replace him? and finally, i saw someone mention a theory that he did die during the past springlocking accident/s but literally kept posessing his remnant powered constantly regenerating body which is metal af, a bit too out there but, he literally becomes an animatronic and is able to live after being taken out of the suit so how out there is it really. posessing your own corpse of a body is like the coolest thing ever, and even cooler is reshaping it to take the form of a humanoid rabbit.. i think his corpse, him as agony is an existence based on feeling rather than rational thinking, but it keeps bringing me to the entity in ruin. was the beta design scrapped for being too similar to william? or was it actually meant to be him? i choose the second option for obvious reasons, and here i think that that form is more animalistic and evil looking where the new one looks like a much calmer one that is capable of having rational thoughts... so if it means anything, if theres a ghost of william within, he is probably being held in it like a prison again, but is more conscious now that his consciousness left a mortal body (but a fucked up remnant filled posessed one), left the mimic ai, basically its in a standalone program now but i dont think the entity is just a program its more of a vessel? at least the mxes computer is? i want to see more and where this goes. probably steelwool scrapping it again if theres a new dlc, just going to be mxes-less... im also still curious if theres a connection to shadow bonnie... a black or purple glitchy rabbit? seems like a clear connection idk. the code to get into the stage 1 minigame is the number on the faz wrench too... and you get to the minigame thru shadow bonnie in the glitched version.. theres so many parallels also with cassie using the vanni mask to "glitch" through places and such

aside from that, heres an oldie i stumbled upon today through a meme, and yes this is just fun and reaching but... his wording with glitchtrap and then mentioning william as an entity is something that caught me off guard. like holy shit yeah, without even mentioning mimic (since this is old) and with using a completely unrelated story! he puts it into words perfectly

and finally, i wonder how much we will go into fredbears lore one day and how much of william there can be... trying to not have any expectations and high hopes because i do like this open to interpretation approach, where i can take from games and tiny bits i like from books, but i also feel like a full on showcase of fredbears would heal me. it would feed me for 3 months. but just a mere mention will make me happy (thats more than just posters or cutouts that is)

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

Trying to make sense of it all and somehow manage. Im not ok, but maybe I will be.

Everything just seem’s so much at times, I feel like im barely hanging on. I just kinda try to focus on the next thing, try anything to improve or make things ok. Will I ever be ok, i dont know. Im not quite sure ok exists for me, but I am trying. Everything doesnt feel real in a sense almost, its like going through the motions playing a part, yet unsure of where its leading you. Im second quessing everything, it is all so messy. Im really struggling and just trying. Even the hospital didnt fix me, i hope the outpactient program does, even though it is so anxiety provoking. I need to try it though, need to try anything. I feel so broken and damaged, even more so. I feel like such a burden and like everyone hates me. As if people are only talking to me because they feel bad, or are worried that i will kill myself and they will have it on their conscious. I also feel so guilty about everything and what I did. My mom kept telling me I through everyone through a wrench. I really am sorry I hurt people and upset them like that. It wasnt my intention. I hate that people were left hurt and worried or that I impacted them negatively. I didnt mean for that to happen. Ive spent so long just trying to make them happy and now im not so sure. Even online its like that and im just not sure. I dont know who I can or should talk to and I dont know if im just reading to into things or my mind is just such a mess that its constantly making things up. I wish it could be different, I do. Im trying to work through it and things, im just not sure. Im so scared also, its like I dont know just how to join in and pick back up the pieces, maybe im to broken for that. I dont know. I spend alot of time just sitting listening to music, some better then others. Some songs are meaningful and I connect with and feel on an emotional level, some are just songs. The Arvil lavine concert was tough, some songs hit feels, mostly alot of the ones by Simple Plan, they kinda hit home with me in a sense. I do wish she played keep holding on, she didnt though. She did play im with you and dont tell me, those hit. Mostly it was songs by simple plan, like Welcome to my life, Perfect, Untitled and such that kinda took me back and reminded me of things. Im trying to focus on things, focus on the positive, trying to improve. Its a long road to be honest. Im not ok, I dont know if I ever will be. Maybe its not about being ok, but trying to make the best of what we have? Im not sure, I havent been well for a while to be honest, its funny how you can think ok this is it, rock bottom. Then bam you fall and suddenly theres a new one, or something your not sure you can come back from. Yet, you have to pick up the pieces somehow and move forward. I just wish I understood things in a sense, I wish it wasnt so messy. I wish I culd make sense of it all, Maybe im trying to find answers that are not there in a sense? Im not sure. It all doesnt feel real also in a sense. Sometimes it feels like im watching but not really there. Im not so sure though, or like things happen or keep happening over and over again and i dont know if im going insane or more insane or if thats even possible at this point. Im trying to remember and realize that things arent so. That I do have hallucinations and the things I see and think, they might not be real. Trying to realize and focus on that. That my reality and the way I see things, its not the way they truely are. That things dont exist and its just me being crazy. I was told my new nickname would be Crazy Cristina, maybe it is. I hate that, I hate feeling crazy and worring over it. That im viewed as crazy or psychotic or some lose cannon. I dont want to be view’d as crazy or a joke, but maybe I am. I dont have the energy to fight that or unpack all that. Im just trying to pick up the pieces and move on. Im just not sure how to face it or people. I get lonely, but maybe its better that way, as i doubt people would really want to put up with me or talk to me and thats ok. Maybe talking to a few is better and going from there.

[strangeryetstranger]

op i just gotta say i LOVE this analysis. like genuinely this shit pieces together so well

your comment about violet did make me think of something (under a read more bc of light spoilers)

while i dont necessarily enjoy the fact that all the future pokemon in violet are robots, it does get me thinking. like theres gotta be a reason theyre all robotic, right? did something happen in the future (some sorta extinction event? a catastrophe with a legendary? there are LOTS of almost-catastrophes with legendries in the games) that caused them all to evolve in the robot direction? is that even natural evolution? because they all evolved the 'robot' trait in the exact same way (visually speaking, at least), so could it be that whatever happens in the future to cause all these robot pokemon makes the humans go 'oh shit, we have to preserve our pokemon partners'? like maybe the theoretical incident that happens starts making huge swathes of pokemon die out so humans pull a genesect and make a bunch of pokemon robotic so they, too, dont die out?

thats assuming its a quick (relatively speaking) event and not something that happens over like. hundreds of years or w/e. like it could just be a naturally shifting environment that causes them to all start evolving in the same direction BUT. i gotta say them all evolving towards the robot direction does not say good things about the state of the natural environment in the future and it doesnt like... fit how humans are in the pokemon world, if that makes sense. like they arent plowing down natural forests and stuff to replace them with massive cities or parking lots

both of these options are bleak/sad in a way but i definitely prefer the first because it seems to fit the human-pokemon connection a lot more than the second one. also it leans more towards bittersweet. like many did fall in the wake of that disaster, but humans and pokemon used their bonds with one another to persevere over it and survive

A Semi-Spoilery Ramble about Prehistoric Pokemon in the wake of Scarlet/Violet

Keep reading

[gil-notskajla]

after leaving league of legends (and other riot games) you become so insanely resistant to any form of criticism relating to destiny...

"pvp is unbalanced" in league you had same champions in meta for 4 years, "seasonal content is reskined" besides it being mostly untrue in general, in league we dont even have event content anymore and riot expects players to pay double for events than they used to, "lore this season severely dissapointed me because it didnt have [insert exact thing that *I* wanted and doesnt nessesairly make sense]" riot fired so many writers they didnt write a single piece of lore that connects to what already got written in almost 2 years, "lore is TOO silly with the pirates this season" bold words considering spider clearly fears mithrax, we are about to witness eido's opinion on her father shattering, we just finished one of heavier seasons where everyone had to go to therapy and also fallen have always been scavangers and pirates soo..? riot on the other hand writes only for skins that sell and targer their content for audience that has mental capacity and literary experience of a 12 yr old, "gays arent in focus 24/7" after marinating in league lore where it took them 10 years to make lesbians kiss ONCE and never mention it again and 11 years to call male character "gay" that writer said was written gay from the start i cant help but laugh. even if osiris is in coma we get saint voicelines constantly reminding us that he is worried for his husband, every season we get o14 lore and random mentions of lgbt characters that nobody asked for (but i love so much), in league you have to beg on your knees only to watch them go back on it whenever they get a chance.

like i could go on and on and on (especially with designs that in leagues case should be just as diverse if not more than destiny according to lore but 95% of the time default to conventionally sexy white girl and sexy white guy). bungie is doing such a great job with destiny most of the time, on all levels, and it pisses me off to watch people complain about bullshit that is being done RIGHT and that league either abadoned or has never done because of appealing to racists, sexists, homophobes and corporate greed.

[daddyd0nt]

There is this pre schooler at work who is really attached to me because he thinks im like the coolest person on earth because he was singing the “1 2 freddys coming for u” song and I was like “hey buddy lets sing something happier” and he goes all snobby “Its Fweddy Kwoo-guh what grown ups know bout Fweddy Kwoo-guh” and I was like kid i could get FIRED right now talking about Freddy do u want to start with fun facts about the production or obscure pieces of lore those movies were my substitute for human contact when I was 12 but instead i just pulled my ANOES wallet out of my minion purse and he went bug eyed and goes “U have Fweddy Kwoo-guh in u minion?” and like from then on id earn his respect and he always calls people “punks” like whenever U ask why he hit somebody he goes “Because him was bein’ a punk!” but hes got hands and is very antsy, probably some sort of mild ADHD (Or just being 4 but everything is medicalized these days) and hes one of those kids who gets treated like a bad kid but its because as teachers we arent allowed to use any form of punishment other than redirection or “voluntary exclusion” where u sit a kid out for a time-out but call it a “breather” and can do nothing to enforce it if the child refuses to remain seated and so in his mind its more satisfying to hit, especially if hes hitting back, than to tell a teacher and watch fuck-all happen in retribution.  But I got him comfortable telling me and when im in the room he my little detective like hell call me over for a situation because one kid took a toy from another and ill talk everybody through it and make a big deal of telling him thank u for helping and for using his words instead of hitting bc hell smack a kid for smacking another kid like hes my little enforcer so we have to write him up a lot and his mother was getting really mad because she always has to sign write-up sheets when she gets him at the end of the day and one day she had like 5 write ups because he was just cranky and couldn’t keep his hands to himself that day and i could tell she was frustrated and I was like “He has a really strong sense of justice and that doesn’t make it easy to be 4 but when hes older that will be a real virtue” and she told me I was the only teacher who ever had anything nice to say about her son and he gets so excited when im in his class because he knows if he tells me something ill actually handle it like hell get to at least watch me tell the offending kid “that wasn’t nice, u should apologize, lets take a breather and calm down” so when im there he apparently is way less behavioral when it comes to the hitting because he likes the positive attention of being praised for telling a teacher and hes such a funny little fellow he was one of the only kids I disliked my first shift because he requires a higher level of supervision than a lot of the other kids but once i actually got to know him hes a great little dude and i think its weird when teachers have 4- year-olds they dont like like for real how r u going to beef with somebody who was born in a world where “Deadpool” was in theaters hes been alive for 48~ months hes a few months older than I am sober when u actually listen to whats frustrating a kid and replace “attention seeking” with “support seeking” and try to unwrap whats behind misbehavior like isnt that what we are here to do, not to just declare some kids “bad” but to give them solutions and help them work through it so they don’t take their problem behaviors with them to public school but i can already kind of see the opening to the school-to-prison pipeline and its disturbing to see kids labeled “bad” and then all efforts to connect to them cast aside.  

[horcrux-collector]

ong there aint nothing more annoying than scrolling on tiktok and landing on a video telling you to completely drop harry potter because its problematic in some areas and the author is a piece of shit

like look mate first off people cant just automatically stop liking shit at the flip of a switch, and for people with hyperfixations like myself its practically impossible to like anything but said thing

the best thing for people to do is to acknowledge that harry potter in itself is not a perfect piece of media and a lot of the authors biases slip in and many parts of the story can be problematic

also lets not forget that everything we read doesn't have to solve and tackle every issue out there or thats written into the story

like would it be great if we got creature and squib equality in the story? yes it would have been delightful to see that, but the problem lies in the fact that harry potter is about an 11-17 year old trying to go to school and learn magic and there just so happens to be a man out there actively trying to murder him all the time

now i dont know about you but i dont know how it would ever be possible for an 11-17 year old to fix a societal issue all by himself, no single person could do that. youd have to at least be an adult past 30 and heavily into politics and with a shit ton of alliances and connections and all that other shit, aint no way little harry potter could fix that even with his boy-who-lived status

also in this particular tiktok that i saw the person continuously brought up the weasley's poverty and how harry should have helped them and blah blah blah rowling should have fixed it and gave them the money to get out of poverty in the end but im just over here like ??? because how does the weasley's being poor make the story shit 🤨 i mean yeah it would be nice to see them not poor but like????? they expected harry to fix it??????? just because he had a lot of money left to him by his dead parents?????????

not to be that guy but i really do feel like stories dont have to be perfect, they are allowed to mirror real life and not every problem can be tackled or fixed and thats okay to show

also im going to be real for a second it would be boring as shit if everything was perfect and magical and there were no problems ever and its all just magic and rainbows and no struggling for any characters

anyways im sorry if this is all over the place and doesnt make much sense and shit just kinda bouces around im just trying to get everything out of my head 💀

also because i couldnt find a place to put this anywhere in here im gonna say it now- why dont the people going at those who like harry potter keep up the same energy for other shit like hp lovecraft enjoyers huh? 🤨🤨🤨 i dont see them telling people who like lovecraftian rpgs and stories to go fuck themselves and give up everything they like 🤨🤨 wheres the same energy babes 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨 if youre going to go after problematic shit i better see pitchforks and torches pointed at "to kill a mockingbird" and other stories that arent 100% perfect and politically/morally correct

[transgenderer]

Land back is asking for more sovereignty in regards to land. Europeans came over and drew a line in the sand and we are trying to play by their rules and get some of our independence back through land ownership. A lot of reservations are situated in places where the land isn't resourceful or has been expended bc it wasn't meant to be settled for generations. All we ask is for governance over more land that we were the original and frankly better stewards of. Just say you don't think indigenous people should have real independence and be done with it

Also federal land is often used to choke and siphon resources from tribes. You're wrong and ignorant and you should either shut up or keep it down. People are trying to save their communities

hmm okay so i was gonna like. try to break down and respond to each piece individually here but i think our differences are not one of minor details but holistic worldview, so im going to try to express what i think your worldview is and then express what my worldview is.

i think, in your worldview, communities, or demographics of people, or historical cultures, or ethnic groups have rights, or moral worth, or whatever, in and of themselves, separate from the rights, desires, etc of the people within those groups, and similarly can be guilty of things as abstract entities, or require justice as abstract entities, etc. and one of the rights of these groups is to a nation-state that it controls, or barring that, lower-level administrative control over members of that ethnicity, etc.

i think this is sort of true, to the extent that this is a thing that people believe, and therefore care about, and therefore would be happy if it was satisfied, but i dont think this is like, *abstractly* true. it is also, imo, the core of ethnonationalist ideology. to be clear i dont think landback people want to commit a genocide, and also it will never happen anyway so it doesnt matter. but i think they are adopting the same ideas as ethnonationalists throughout history. and those ideas are just. not well-formed ideas, good ways of understanding ethics.

i think, to the extent that real indigenous people dont have power over their own lives in the US (a large extent), this is not well-understood as primarily about the disempowerment of the ethnic group (altho it is in large part a *result* of discrimination based on ethnicity. this is a subtle, but imo important distinction), but primarily about poverty, and improving the conditions of indigenous people in the US would best be achieved by giving poor indigenous people (and poor people of every race) money in various forms.

i guess, to attempt to be pithy, i think that *indigenous people* should have independence, but that *tribes* have no particular right to independence, any more than like, any other group with its own culture, like mormons or whatever.

P.S. people often bring up the land stewardship thing and its consistently very strange to me. its utter nonsense. indigenous people arent magic, theyre just people, they dont have some special connection to the land. i guess the steelman is just that indigenous people have a culture more interested in the ecology side of the ecology/prosperity trade-off, and like, i guess, but surely it would make more sense to just like. choose to be more on the ecology side. rather than choosing the ecology side is more important and then...trusting indigneous people to make that choice for you? or you could think that indigenous people have more knoweldge abt ecology than like. ecologists. but you shouldnt think that because its dumb

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.