#the photos are 30 years apart but you get my point

[hwspirilovebot]

vintage sapphic mexpiri exchanging letters and photos with each other

[icewindandboringhorror]

everyday I miss miitomo .. aaa

[aureatelys]

snowflakes in my stomach

pairing: aaron hotchner/non-bau!reader rating: teen+ w.c.: 3k summary:

You work as an elf during photos with Santa at the mall and you spot the extremely attractive man with his son in line.

cw: christmas! fluff! christmas fluff! meet cute, jack hotchner being cute and a little shit, some language, age gap as reader is mid-20s, mentions of haley, working retail, no y/n

also posted on ao3 or below <3

“Where the fuck is Santa?”

You try not to roll your eyes, and you turn from where you were staring at the giant candy cane statue that’s nearly falling apart near Santa’s chair to the man standing several feet away, held back by a red velvet rope barrier. He’s starting to turn red in the face, fists clenching, while his daughter that looks almost way too old to still be taking pictures with Santa is tapping away on her phone.

It's the day before Christmas Eve, thus the last day of Santa and his elves taking pictures with screaming children at the mall. You were already working part time at the mall while you’re in classes and your manager somehow convinced you to help out with the photos for a couple of weeks. Although it was nice to get away from working in retail during the holiday season, you’d much rather be folding clothes for a table you just fixed up 5 minutes ago than deal with these annoying rich parents and their children.

It's nearing 8pm, which means only about 30 minutes left until you’re finally free and can go the fuck home and get out of these ridiculously itchy tights.

“Sir, please don’t curse in front of the children.”

The man’s daughter scoffs at that, barely throws a glare at you, before focusing back on her phone.

You try not to pointedly glance at the other people behind them in line. Since it’s almost closing time, there’s only a couple of people left who are starting to get just as antsy. There’s a woman with a boy who looks about 2-years old and a group of teenagers. What really catches your eye, however, is the older and extremely handsome man at the back of the line with possibly the cutest little 6-year-old boy.

He's very overdressed for the mall; a white dress shirt with his sleeves rolled up, an expensive-looking tie, and a suit jacket thrown over an arm, so you assume he just got off work and rushed here after scheduling last minute. He’s tall, nearly towering over everybody else, intimidating, and has dark and stern eyes as he glances at you and the man at the front of the line, eyebrows pinched in concern.

“That doesn’t answer my question! We’ve been waiting here for 15 minutes!”

You grimace. He does have a point.

Your Santa went on break 15 minutes ago, claiming he was taking a 10-minute break, and you tried not to notice the photographer had skipped to follow him. You definitely tried not to notice the obvious ass-grabbing that Santa did on the photographer either.

You try not to sigh too loudly and put on that well-practiced customer service voice and smile. “I’m sure Santa is just taking a cookies and milk break! He’ll be back soon.”

If possible, the man’s face gets even redder. You could almost see the steam blowing out of his ears if you tried hard enough.

“Well, can I get a refund or something? I had to pay a direct deposit on the website and I’m not waiting another 10 minutes,” he gripes, nearly shouting directly in your face.

Your ridiculous elf hat is falling down into your eyes, but that fake customer service smile doesn’t budge. “You’ll have to contact the North Pole for that, sir.”

The man stares at you in disbelief. You smile at him, years of practice of working in retail coming in hand. Customers like him don’t bother you anymore, especially since you are definitely not getting paid enough to wear pointed shoes that are too small for you and jingle every time you move.

You hear a cough from further down the line and when you peer around the man who is absolutely fuming now, you see that older handsome guy cough into his fist, something like a smile quirking at the corners of his pretty mouth. He looks at you then, makes eye contact with you over the head of all the people in line, and quickly looks away due to his son tugging at his sleeve to make him lean down and whisper something in his ear.

You feel giddy all of a sudden. You made a cute guy laugh, and not only that, you can tell just by looking at him that he doesn’t hand those out very often.

Get it together, you’re at work, you think to yourself.

You clear your throat. “I’m sure Santa will be coming back any minute now.”

And because you have no choice until you were done with the very last person in line, you wait.

The Christmas music blaring throughout the mall has faded into white noise at this point. You’re staring at the ridiculously large Santa chair and wishing you were sitting in it, giving your knees and back a break after standing for several hours, and wondering what you’re going to have for dinner tonight when you feel a tug on your dress.

You spin around, about to have some not-so-nice words for that angry man if he’s putting his hands on you, when you look down and see that cute blonde boy peering up at you with pretty brown eyes. He’s dressed in a red and black checkered flannel with his hair sleekly done in a way that you can tell he’s just itching to mess up.

You blink down at him before bending your knees so you’re at his height. You ignore the very audible crack. “What can I do for you, little man?”

“Why aren’t you at the North Pole?” he asks, so innocently that it warms your heart and definitely not stirring up the baby fever you’ve been trying to ignore for the past year.

You genuinely smile at him because, well, how could you not? “Well, Santa wanted me to work here this year, plus I get to see some of you kiddos!”

“My uncle Derek said all the short adults have to work at the North Pole, so why aren’t you there?” he blinks at you.

Before you could react, the little boy is being lifted up and tucked into the arms of his dad. There’s a light dusting of pink on his stern face, softening it, and a comical panicked look in his eyes.

“Jack!” He reprimands, before turning to you. “I’m sorry, he knows better than to repeat things his uncles have said to him.”

His voice is low and deep, almost mesmerizingly so, and your knees almost buckle at the thought of him whispering in your ear. You have to crane your neck up quite a bit to look at him from where you’re still squatting. You put your hands on your knees to stand back up straight, only grunting a little bit from the effort.

“It’s no problem,” you say. “It’s nothing I’ve heard before.”

Even standing to your fullest height, this man towers over you. He’s much more handsome up close, with some loose strands from his gelled hair falling into his forehead, creases at the corner of his eyes, and the sharp slope of his nose. You can barely detect the hints of his cologne, something clean and like sandalwood.

“It’s a good question,” Jack says, surprisingly very sassy than he looks.

His father seems to huff a laugh, like it escaped him before he could control it. It’s a very nice sound, something you would be fine with hearing over and over again.

You nod. “I’m sure it’s not Jack’s fault since he’s around very tall people all the time, right?”

Jack nods emphatically while his father looks exasperated but extremely affectionate at the same time. He bends to put Jack down, now sure that he isn’t going to cause any more trouble. The glint in the boy’s eyes tells you otherwise.

You break your gaze from the way you can see the older man’s biceps flex underneath his sleeves, his forearms because holy shit, and notice that everyone else in line besides Jack and his father were gone. Even the infuriating angry guy.

The last-minute Christmas shopping crowd has started to dwindle down as well, with some stores even starting to close earlier than usual so the employees can assumedly escape the traffic and spend the rest of the night at home.

And yet, you’re still here wearing striped leggings that you are sure is what’s causing your rash on your thigh, a green dress that is absolutely doing nothing for your figure, and a stupid fucking elf hat. Standing next to probably the most attractive man you’ve ever seen in your life.

“I’m sorry about the wait,” you say, because honestly this is getting ridiculous. How long can they be fucking for?

The extremely hot man looks up from where he’s tapping away a text. You try not to ogle at how his hands dwarf his cellphone and instead try to make polite eye contact. He has warm golden-brown eyes that make you feel only a little stupid.

“It’s fine. As long as we can get his picture still taken.” He nods towards Jack, who is definitely starting to look a bit restless by the way he’s shifting his weight back and forth and wringing his hands.

“I’ll make sure we stay and get you guys, I promise,” you say, despite the fact that you have no authority to promise or make everyone else stay late. You’re feeling a little flustered, okay, you can’t help it.

You’re thinking that this guy is going to go back to his phone or completely ignore you to talk to his son, do something that shows he’s not interested in talking to a 25-year-old wearing an elf costume, so you’re awfully surprised when he gives you a devastating handsome smile and showing off an equally devastatingly cute dimple and says “Jack’s been waiting for this all month.”

“Oh yeah?” You smile down at Jack who looks suddenly shy. “A family tradition, I assume?”

The little boy nods, making some pieces of his hair come loose and fall against his forehead. “Daddy always makes sure we don’t miss it ever since Mommy died.”

Oh.

“Oh,” you say. You flounder a bit because, although you understand that kids at this age are unapologetically blunt and you’re used to customers oversharing while working in retail, you were not expecting to learn about this family’s trauma today. “Well, your daddy must love you a lot then, huh?”

You look up to see his father looking absolutely horrified, embarrassment clear on his face. There’s a faint shade of pink again on his face that disappears underneath his shirt collar and you almost feel bad for him, however you can’t deny that he’s cute when he looks like he wants to crawl into a hole and never come out.

“Yep,” Jack responds cheerfully, and then is instantly distracted by that damn horn blaring through the mall, signifying the arrival of that godforsaken eyesore they call an indoor train. It takes up nearly the whole walkway of the mall, causing him and his father to scoot further in line and closer to you. The back of his hand brushes against yours.  

“I am,” the man says again, slowly, as if he was in pain, “so sorry.” From the expression he was wearing, you would probably think he was.

You wave his apology off with a jingle. “Really, it’s fine. I know how kids are. You’re just lucky he’s so cute.”

The man says nothing; however, you can see the mortification melt from his face as both of you watch Jack’s eyes slowly following the train as it wraps around the area roped off for pictures. He’s nearly jumping from how much he secretly wants to ride the train, a smile wide across his face and sparkling eyes that match his father’s. Oh, you need to get a grip.

“So, any plans for tomorrow?” you ask and nearly cringe at your awkward attempt to make conversation. It’s getting late, Santa is who knows where, and you’re basically holding this attractive man and his son hostage at the mall.

His gaze breaks from where he was watching Jack, the fatherly warmth and smile on his face still lingering. He doesn’t say anything for a moment, just looks at you. You try not to squirm under his scrutinizing eyes. “We’re just spending time with some family and friends, something small.”

You feel a bit envious. Of course, this man has a family and friends to spend time with for the holidays, he probably has a life as opposed to you. You definitely don’t have plans, unless you count staying in your pajamas for two days straight in front of the TV to watch bad Hallmark movies a plan. You almost wish the mall was open so you could work and keep yourself busy and not think about the aching loneliness you feel every year.

“The more people you see at Christmas, the more presents, right Jack?”

“Right!” Jack says, attention captured as the train disappeared out of view. “And I’m seeing Santa right before he comes to the house so he can’t forget about me!”

You laugh, because he’s just so stinking cute. “And what are you wanting this year?”

Jack immediately starts rambling about how he’s hoping to get a Spiderman action figure with the matching racecar, a scooter, a nerf gun, and other toys a typical 6-year-old would want. You nod along and pretend to take notes on the prop clipboard you were given.

You ignore the older man’s curious stare you can feel boring into the side of your head. You thought it wasn’t noticeable that you clearly avoided saying what you were going to be doing for the holidays, though when you finally meet his eyes, you have a feeling that nothing gets by this man.

You jump at a sudden clatter to your left, and when you tear yourself from the man’s pretty eyes, you see your Santa and the photographer stumbling through the props and knocking over the fake presents stacked on top of each other. Santa is thankfully wearing all of his costume; however, his beard is crooked, and the photographer’s clothes are inside out.

“That was a long milk and cookies break,” you deadpan, rolling your eyes.

Jack squeals when he spots them, jumping up and down and tugging on his father’s hand. The man gives him that affectionate smile again and you just want to melt.

Santa, you call him because you don’t remember his name but also you definitely shouldn’t call him by his real name anyway, fakes a deep and hearty laugh. He sits down at the comically large armchair and discreetly fixes his beard. “I just had a big ol’ craving. I’m sorry, kiddo.”

Jack ducks underneath the barricade and starts running at Santa, leaving his father flustered and jogging after him.

“Sorry about that,” the photographer whispers to you and doesn’t even wait for your response before she’s behind the camera stand and adjusting the settings.

It doesn’t even matter, because you’re watching Jack hop onto Santa’s lap, already continuing his rambling about what he is wanting for Christmas. He’s clearly ignoring his father’s gentle suggestions on how to pose and to fix his shirt, altogether sounding very endearing and fond.

You watch as his father ultimately gives up, surprisingly looks at you with an exasperated smile, and takes out his phone to take his own pictures of Jack. The boy eventually finishes what he has to say, almost looking out of breath, and gives the camera the toothiest and silliest smile you have ever seen.

“Great job, buddy!” you exclaim and then feel your heart being squeezed when Jack runs up to you and gives you a hug around your shins.

“I hope you have a good vacation after Christmas,” Jack says seriously. He looks up at you, death grip on your legs unwavering. “You’ve worked hard this year.”

If Jack wasn’t clearly talking about you working as an elf at Santa’s workshop, you probably would’ve teared up.

Instead, you give him a smile and a pat on the top of his head. “Thanks, Jack. Merry Christmas.”

His father is behind him a second later, folder in hand with Jack’s prints. He’s looking at the both of you now with that soft expression you’re starting to become familiar with. The love he has for his son is clear as day. “Hey buddy, we gotta get home.” 

“Can we get pizza on the way?” Jack gasps excitedly, letting go of your legs to reach a hand out for his father’s.

He hums and pretends to think about it. “We’ll see. I just have to talk to our new friend here.”

And then he’s stepping closer into your space and meeting your eyes. You get a whiff of his cologne again and you feel like you’re about to combust on the spot.

“I’m Aaron, and this, obviously, is Jack. I wanted to see if wanted to go out for dinner or a coffee sometime? After Christmas?”

You stare at him, a million emotions and thoughts racing through your head all at once. This man, who is at least 15 years older than you and is way out of your league, is interested in you, a college student who has no friends and is currently wearing a frumpy green dress and red and green striped leggings?

Aaron doesn’t break eye contact with you, most likely to indicate to you that he’s being sincere, however you can tell he’s blushing again. Nervous.

You stammer out your name, though you can barely hear yourself over the rush of blood in your ears. “I would love that.”

You watch as Aaron nearly sighs in relief and the action, the thought that he feels relieved because you’re showing equal interest, is exhilarating. He hands his phone to you and you punch in your number. You’re almost tempted to add your contact info as something silly or funny, but instead just adds a smiley face at the end.

Aaron chuckles when he spots it and pockets his phone. The softness and want in his eyes are almost overwhelming, and the way more of his hair flops against his forehead makes you want to put your hands all over him “I’ll call you?”

“Sure,” you breathe. “I’m looking forward to it.”

Both of you pointedly ignore Jack’s giggle as he watches.

[nordschleifes]

what happens after midnight?

➝ it was just supposed to be ten months of fun and traveling the world. but you didn't count on your heart going against you

➝ word count: 6,5k

➝ warnings: sugar relationships, hospitals, smut

➝ author's note: finally a finished work!

The watch on your wrist indicated that it was 5:30 PM. Pursing your lips, you watched through the screen set up in hospitality as the blue and pink car pulled into the pits for the second time. The momentary confusion that took over the place was replaced by frustration when the engineer's voice sounded across the room.

— Let's retire the car.

The silence that followed could seem melancholic, even given the context. However, you knew that the man inside the car was biting his tongue, holding back all the words that the frustration of yet another race unfinished that season, on that very day, would make him shout over the radio.

“I’m not a kid to whine, Y/N”, you heard him repeat in your mind, the phrase accompanied by the mischievous smile that made your internal organs turn into jelly. You had no idea what it would be like to live without seeing that smile.

Seeing that he was out of the car, you got up from your desk and silently slipped through the halls of the team facility. Something about that lonely walk made your heart sink even more, until you found the door with his name, the white letters against the navy blue background.

Fernando Alonso.

Your paths crossed months ago. With your student debt growing and the salary you earned during your internship being barely enough to pay your share of the bills for the apartment you lived in with a colleague, you decided to turn to the suggestion of one of your friends, whose life you had given a turning point after registering on a website specializing in sugar relationships.

The first few weeks were unpromising. The guys you had expressed interest in seemed more interested in more pictures of your breasts than in actually talking to you and coming to an agreement. Until, during a break in your shift at the hospital, a suggested profile caught your attention.

The main photo appeared to be professional, taken on the deck of a yacht, and showed a man with dark hair and the shadow of a smile on his face with his arms crossed. The other images were more informal, one taken next to an airplane window and another in the gym, a headband and the bulging veins on his neck indicating that he was exerting himself.

In the profile description, he presented himself as Fernando, a 41-year-old Spaniard looking for someone who could accompany him on his travels in exchange for a generous payment. The idea of getting paid to travel seemed interesting, but it definitely didn't fit with your idea of continuing your studies to become a doctor in Miami.

That night, you ended up not touching the heart on the screen.

However, as fate would have it, at the end of your internship, you did not receive the letter of recommendation that you needed so much to apply for the residency program that you had dreamed of since the beginning of your degree. You were passionate about the field of pediatrics and the idea of working in one of the great children's hospitals in Florida, the Holtz Children's Hospital, were always in your mind.

— Y/N, it is clear that, despite you being an excellent intern, you have been making silly mistakes when filling out the forms and records — your advisor said during your last meeting — Furthermore, the reports are far below what we expect from a student with your ability.

— But, my grades…

— They are sufficient, yes, but the program requires more than grades, Y/N — he said, as he removed his glasses — It requires residents to be in their best shape, both academically and mentally. And it's clear to me that you don't meet the second requirement.

You blinked. Was it so obvious that you were tired?

— So, what should I do? — you asked, trying to swallow the lump in your throat.

— I would advise you to try to apply for it next year.

— But, what can I do until then?

— I would recommend that you rest a little before continuing with your plans — he replied, smiling — Maybe learning a new hobby would be good. That or even a trip around the world, who knows.

Leaving your advisor's office with your dreams postponed had been a blow to you. However, his words reminded you of the man who was looking for someone to travel with. Sitting in your car, you searched for his profile and, after a deep sigh, you typed a short message, a simple question.

Still looking for a travel companion?

The answer didn't take long and came in a playful tone.

So obvious?

Well, that's what it says on your profile.

Good to know that you read it.

I thought it was something basic.

You'd be amazed at how many women don't read it before sending a message.

I can't blame them, your photos are much more interesting.

The conversation between you flowed almost naturally. He seemed intelligent, good-natured and, above all, interested in your life and career, asking questions and sharing little details, like the fact that his sister was also a doctor, just like you wanted to be. It was impossible to deny that there was an interesting chemistry between you.

However, this was not a flirting game, but rather, a business deal.

Do you still want to accompany me on my travels?

Well, I wouldn't be answering you if I wasn't interested, would I?

Very funny.

I'm just being honest.

Looking at the three dots flashing on the screen, there was some anticipation building up in your chest.

I like honesty. It's a good quality.

I assume you're honest too.

I am. So much so that I want to do this the right way. Can we meet next week?

Will you be in Miami?

In fact, in New York. But I can take a detour, what do you think?

Perfect.

Your first meeting was at a high-end Japanese restaurant, located on Claughton Island, called NAOE. You even thought you were in the wrong place, since the space was completely empty except for the employees who were preparing the dishes next to the chef, who was wearing a sort of white kimono. However, after identifying yourself, the maître d' confirmed that you were in the right place and asked you to sit at the only table that had been prepared there, conveniently behind a bamboo screen.

Fernando arrived shortly after, making you jump to your feet.

— Good evening, Y/N — he said, before placing a chaste kiss on your cheek — It's a pleasure to finally meet you.

— The pleasure is all mine.

After settling in at the table, the waiter wrote down the drinks you had chosen before returning to the kitchen. However, the request from the man in front of you only made you even more curious.

— Aren't you going to drink anything tonight?

Fernando smiled a little.

— I don’t drink.

— Never?

— Never. After I realized that alcohol wouldn't make me go faster, I chose to give it up — he replied — I don't smoke either, if that's your next question.

—Actually, my next question would be if I can drink in your presence — you smiled.

— As far as I know, we haven't signed anything. You can do whatever you want.

Dinner continued without any of you mentioning the agreement that had made him fly to Miami to see you. However, at the same time as you were eager to settle everything with him, something told you to let him bring up the subject.

— Are you always this quiet? — Fernando asked, as he put down the glass of water.

— No — you said, after swallowing the piece of sushi you were chewing.

— So there's something bothering you.

— No, there isn't.

He stared into your eyes, seeming to read between the lines of your words. Then, he let out a sigh, reaching into his pants’ pocket and taking out his cell phone.

— You want to talk about our agreement, don't you?

— Well, that's what you came here to do, isn't it?

— Actually, my intention was just to enjoy some good Japanese food alongside an interesting woman — Fernando said, while searching for something on the device — But, if you prefer to get straight to the point...

He held out the phone toward you. When you picked it up, you noticed that there was a document on the screen, with the title “Relationship Agreement” in bold letters at the top of it. Something about those words made your stomach churn with tension.

— I asked my lawyer to write a draft to guide our conversation. However, I want to make it clear that there are some topics that are non-negotiable for me…

— Sex? — you asked, raising an eyebrow.

— Confidentiality — Fernando replied — I'm a discreet person when it comes to my personal life and the last thing I want is my face on the cover of gossip magazines.

— So sex is negotiable?

— You're very interested in this topic, aren't you?

— Are you not interested?

A mischievous smile appeared on Fernando's lips.

— No — he replied — It's in the contract, if you want to take a look. Page three, if I'm not mistaken.

You scrolled through the document until you found the section that talked about intimacy, reading it carefully. In the document, sexual relations and any contact that could be classified as such were completely prohibited, as your relationship would be limited to the emotional context.

— This means…

— That I don't want sex from you. I just want your company, guapa.

— And you're going to pay me for this? — you raised an eyebrow.

— Yes, as described in the section on financial support — Fernando replied — The trips will be paid by me, as well as all your expenses while you are accompanying me. I will also give you a monthly allowance to do whatever you want with it.

You looked at his phone again, thoughtfully.

— You'll have an apartment in Monaco too — he murmured, as he ran his index finger along the rim of his glass.

— I will? Why?

— Because I want you around, Y/N. Besides, making you come back here every time will be too exhausting. Believe me, the first time is amazing, but after doing this for 20 years, flying has become the part I hate most about my job.

Pursing your lips, you looked up at the driver.

— And how long would that be valid?

— Until midnight of November 20th.

That's how you agreed to become Fernando's traveling companion, as he preferred to put it. And you could only describe those last few months as “a dream”.

When the door to the small room opened, you jumped up in the chair you were in, waking up suddenly from your daydreams. On the wall, the clock indicated that it was already past 6PM. Walking through the door, Fernando held a white towel in his hand and a bottle of water, keeping his head down. Behind him, Edoardo, his physiotherapist, was saying something in Italian, which he wasn't paying attention to.

— Prepare qui le nostre cose e, dopo la gara, lasceremo tutto alle persone dell'Aston — the driver replied, before raising his head and finding you in front of him. Pursing your lips, you fought your own frustration to be open to accepting his. And today, more than ever, Fernando needed you.

Dropping his things haphazardly on a small table placed next to the door, he walked over to you in silence, allowing you to wrap your arms around him and hug him. The silence that followed made your heart tighten in his chest. It wasn't the end of the season he deserved, quite the opposite.

— What happened? — you asked.

— Water pump — Fernando replied, the irritation evident in his voice — That shitbox…

You let out a sigh, stroking the back of his neck.

— It's okay, Fer. Now it's over.

Lifting his head, the driver looked at you, brushing aside a strand of your hair.

— Yeah. It’s over.

— Are you happy? — you asked in a low voice.

— That it’s over? I think so — Fernando said, while you watched a drop of sweat run down his temple — But, I have the feeling that I could have done it differently.

— Differently?

— I think I waited too long, guapa — he murmured.

— But it's over now. And you will move on, to a new place, with new people.

Fernando smiled a little.

— Yeah, I will.

He walked away from you to change, taking off his overalls and underwear to put on his shorts and blue team shirt. Meanwhile, you approached the table where his things were, such as his cell phone, his pass and the blue cap he had been wearing all day. Taking the accessory, you turned to him, who was sitting in a chair, tying his sneakers.

— Your cap — you said, smiling.

— Is my hair that bad?

You nodded, causing Fernando to laugh before stretching his hand towards you. However, you didn't hand it to him, preferring to push the strands that were on his forehead before positioning the accessory on his head. After arranging the strands at the back, he stood up with a smile.

— Thank you, guapa — the driver said, giving you a kiss on the cheek before heading towards the door and, consequently, the cameras that awaited him. After the door closed, your eyes found the hands of the clock on the wall.

“There’s still a long way to go”, you thought.

Between meetings, photos, goodbyes, welcomes and a long break for dinner, you and Fernando arrived at the double room you shared late at night. However, contrary to what you expected that morning, you didn't feel relief that the marathon was over or anxiety about finally catching your plane back to the United States.

You felt an almost suffocating sadness.

— What time does your flight leave tomorrow? — Fernando asked, settling down on the sofa in the small hall that connected the rooms while you placed your bag on the table in front of the television.

— Eight in the morning, I guess — you murmured, turning your face towards him — Why?

— Not at all, I just — he hesitated for a few seconds, running a hand through his hair — I wanted to know.

— Do you want to take me to the airport?

��� Sincerely? No.

The coldness of the response made your throat tighten. Part of you wished he had replied that he wanted to take you to the airport. Part of you wanted him to say that he would like to spend every possible second by your side before you, inevitably, had to follow your own paths, your own destinies, that weren't tied to each other.

— You think it will be easier this way, don't you? — you murmured, trying to hide the pain in your voice.

— No — he replied, his eyes searching yours. You didn't want to look at him, but at the same time, you knew that this could be the last time you would do that — I think, one way or another, it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

The silence in that room was the longest that had ever stretched between you during all those months of coexistence.

— Why would it be?

— It doesn't matter now, Y/N.

You pressed your lips together, feeling something tighten in your throat.

Going back to Miami was the last thing you wanted at that moment. You wanted to be by his side. You wanted to wake up every day to his voice humming some song whose lyrics you didn't understand. You wanted to see the smile on his face every time you commented on an article about pediatrics that you had read.

However, you needed to go back. Those last few months had just been a detour, a break from his monotonous routine. There were people, commitments, a residency whose selection you had passed with flying colors, a lifetime of taking care of children waiting for you to move on.

And moving forward meant leaving Fernando behind.

You didn't notice the moment the first tear ran down your face, nor the second. But you noticed the movement of the driver in front of you, approaching with heavy steps. Placing his hands on your face, his expression was serious, almost dark, contrasting with the heat in his eyes.

— I have to let you go in peace — Fernando said softly, his thumb sliding over one of the tears that was stuck on your cheek.

Your lower lip trembled. You just wish it were all easier.

— Please, Y/N — Fernando continued — Don't ask me to take you to the airport. Don't ask me to say goodbye to you. Don't ask me to see you leaving, because I won't bear seeing you get on a plane without me.

At that moment, you had no idea if you would be able to get on a plane in a few hours. Not without Fernando by your side, carrying his trusty black backpack and making some comment about having a sweatshirt ready for you to wear when you get cold during the flight.

So, you asked the only question your mind was capable of formulating.

— What time is it?

— What?

— What time is it, Fernando? — you repeated, seriously.

Still holding his face, he turned his wrist slightly to look at the hands of the black Richard Mille he was wearing.

— Two past midnight — he murmured — You’re free now.

— No, I'm not free — you replied, bringing your face closer to his.

— But…

— I stopped being free a long time ago, Fernando.

Fernando's expression seemed sad, which made your heart feel heavy inside your chest.

You didn't know how to explain to Fernando that you would never be free again simply because you were completely in love with him. So much so that you hadn't even realized the exact moment it had happened.

Maybe it was the day he saw you reading an article about early childhood nutrition and asked you to explain the impact of cow's milk on babies. Maybe it was the day he took you on his motorbike to a viewpoint so you could watch the sunset over Monaco. Maybe it was the moment he introduced his world to you, describing every detail with enchanting passion. Maybe it was the day you pressed that heart on your cell phone screen, right below his photo.

And no piece of paper could control what your heart felt.

Using whatever courage you had left, you tilted your head and closed your eyes, brushing your lips against his. The touch was delicate and subtle, but enough to fill your chest with an almost unbearable heat. You had thought so much about what that moment would be like, fantasized so much about the different possibilities, imagined so many times what it would be like to be in Fernando's arms, that you felt a little hesitant about continuing.

However, the decision about the direction of that shy kiss was made by the driver. Moving closer to you, he placed your mouth completely against his, hands sliding towards the back of your neck. After a few seconds, he pulled away, panting.

— Y/N…

— Please, Fer.

However, he pulled away from you, pain evident in his green-stained eyes.

— No, Y/N — Fernando said, in a firm tone — Don't make this more difficult than it needs to be for both of us.

— You're the one who's making it difficult — you replied, feeling more tears filling your eyes — I want this...

— But you don't need this — he growled — You need to go back to your city, to your apartment, to your life. And this life has no place for me, just as there is no place for you in mine.

The statement was like a punch in the gut. Taking a step back, the feeling was of having awakened from the best dream of your life to find a true nightmare. Mentally, you questioned everything that had happened so far, from the dinner in Miami to that kiss permeated by your desire for him that had been repressed for so long. “So it was all a lie?”, you thought, as he walked towards his room.

— Fer…

— Goodbye, Y/N — he murmured over his shoulder, before disappearing into the dim light, with the door closing behind him.

Your skin felt cold, even in the residual desert heat that remained inside the suite. It was almost unbelievable that this would be the end of those ten months of smiles, jokes and laughter as the two of you traveled the world. A dry and cruel goodbye, without even looking back.

Walking slowly towards your room, you couldn't help but feel a strange emptiness inside your chest. Dropping down on the mattress anyway, you realized how exhausted you were, both physically, courtesy of the intense pace of a race day, and emotionally, with the mix of completely opposite feelings that made your lower lip tremble.

You felt that it was unfair, that the way you were being discarded by Fernando was cruel, not to mention painful. And the worst part was not being able to understand the reason for that attitude, for that cold look that shattered your heart. However, your rational side soon began to whisper in the back of your mind, condemning you for believing that he could see you beyond who you were from the beginning.

An acquisition. A product. A pretty thing for him to drag around the circuits.

That realization made tears run down your face, anger and sadness spilling out of you and making you sob loudly. You even thought about smothering your crying with the pillow, but you didn't move, allowing it to echo off the walls of the room, until it lulled you into a deep, dreamless sleep.

You woke up to the sound of your cell phone's alarm clock. Rubbing your eyes, you stared at the ceiling for long seconds before finally working up the courage to get up from the bed and move forward.

Exactly as Fernando had asked.

As soon as you arrived in Miami, you decided to buy, with the money you had saved in the last few months, a studio near the beach, in addition to arranging the documentation for your residency at Holtz Children's Hospital, which was about to begin. Watching the fireworks that lit up the sea and announced the arrival of a new year, you promised yourself that the months to come would be better than the previous ones.

And by better, you meant no trips, no adventures and no crazy things.

No looks, no jokes, no laughter.

No men, no athletes, no Fernando.

The first few months passed in a blur. Hospital shifts took up much of your time, and your free time was spent reading articles about intriguing cases and organizing your new place. You didn't even notice spring arriving in the city, much less the anticipation for the great sporting event that the city would host in the following weeks.

You were making your first round of the rooms in the west wing of the hospital when, upon entering a room, you came across a little boy playing with a model of a dark blue Formula 1 car. Swallowing hard, you smiled widely.

— Good morning, Mrs. Melendi.

The boy's mother jumped up from her armchair.

— Good morning, doctor — she replied — Greet her, Omar.

The boy looked up at you.

— Hi.

— Good morning, Omar — you greeted him, placing one of your hands on the guard of his bed — How are you feeling today?

— Well — he replied, returning his attention to the cart.

— He spent the night better, doctor, breathing better. But he is still coughing a lot and complains of chest pain.

Accessing Omar's chart on your iPad, you pursed your lips as you thought. The boy's body should already be fighting harder against the infection in his lungs, but his history of asthma didn't make you so optimistic in this regard. This was one of those cases that would ask for patience, both from you and from the boy's mother.

— Well, the night has already brought a good sign. However, the cough will still persist for a while, as the body is trying to get this fluid out somehow. For now, let's continue with what was prescribed and I'll ask the physiotherapy team to send someone here to do some exercises to speed up the release of this secretion, okay?

— Doctor, does this mean I'll be able to see Checo?

You blinked, trying to process if you had understood correctly.

— Who?

— Checo, the Formula 1 driver! — Omar exclaimed — He's going to race here this week!

The Miami Grand Prix, you had completely forgotten about that.

— Ah, I see — you smiled — Everything will depend on your progress. If you take your medication correctly and undergo rehabilitation, I can try to release you by Friday. What do you think?

The boy agreed to your proposal, seeming excited about the prospect of seeing his idol race. However, as you left the room, you felt completely dazed, the memories of the previous year filling your eyes with tears.

That was a weekend of ups and downs, with a punishment causing Fernando to lose the measly two points he had managed to gain. However, those days had been worth it just for the opportunity to introduce him to your city and see how he was enchanted by every detail.

— Doctor? Are you okay? — someone asked you. Looking to the side, you found one of the nurses looking at you somewhat confused.

— Yes, everything is fine.

— Did something happen to Omar?

— No, he's progressing well — you replied, trying to compose yourself — I'm going to ask the rehabilitation staff to do a respiratory therapy session to speed up the drainage of fluids.

— Is the medication dosage still the same?

— Yes, everything’s the same — you murmured, before continuing your rounds, trying to ignore the memories that had been awakened during the visit to Omar's room. However, the task became more difficult when a notification with a painfully familiar name appeared on your cell phone during one of your breaks.

Hi, how are you?

Staring at the screen in almost disbelief, you took a few seconds to type a response, trying to balance your emotions in a single line.

Hello, Fernando. I'm fine, thanks for asking.

Are you in Miami?

Yes, why?

I found your sweatshirt in my apartment. I wanted to give you back.

The photo that accompanied the message made something turn in your stomach. That was your favorite sweatshirt, the first one you had bought when you entered university, and at that point, you had already come to terms with the fact that it was lost forever.

Oh, do you want me to go take it back?

No, I can give it to you. Where are you?

I'm still in the hospital, you can leave it at reception.

I want to hand it personally to you. I can stop by your place later, what do you think?

You were already regretting your answer as you walked to the entrance of your studio, feeling suffocated by anxiety. However, when you opened the door, it was as if you had come to the surface to breathe again, the familiar warmth spreading through your chest.

In front of you was Fernando. He didn't seem to have changed at all since the last time you had seen him, on that fateful night in Abu Dhabi. With a shy smile on his face, he wore a green shirt with the familiar silver wings of Aston Martin, the team he was racing for that year, as well as a white box in his hands.

“This color makes him even more handsome”, you thought to yourself.

— Hi — the driver said softly.

— Hey.

— Can I enter?

— Yeah, sure — you replied, opening the way for him.

The driver passed you silently, taking in the space you were living in. Seeing him there, in the place you had chosen to recover after the mess that had been that Sunday in Abu Dhabi, was strange, not to say wrong. However, this was definitely not the time to question whether his presence there was appropriate or not.

— Everything’s good? — you asked, trying to start a dialogue with him.

— Yeah, all very well. And with you?

— All good.

— It's yours? — he questioned you, gesturing with his finger to refer to the place.

— Yeah, it's mine. I bought it as soon as I got back here — you replied.

Fernando approached a shelf where there were some photos of the trips you had taken with him. There were images from all over the world, from Japan to Brazil, some with your silhouette highlighted or even his. However, he didn't seem to notice that particular detail, as he pointed to another framed image.

— Sardinia?

— Monaco. It's the beach in front of your apartment.

The silence that stretched between you was long, almost deafening. Crossing your arms, you tried to maintain a neutral expression, trying to focus on anything other than the charming lock that fell across his forehead.

— Do you miss it? — Fernando asked.

— Monaco? Not much, I didn't spend enough time there.

— And me?

You looked away to the apartment door, giggling awkwardly.

— I thought you were coming to give me back my hoodie, not do an interrogation.

— Here's your hoodie — he said, harshly, extending the box towards you — And this isn't an interrogation, Y/N. I just asked a question.

— About how I feel about you — you murmured, taking the box and placing it on your dining table.

— Is it wrong to ask?

— When that question doesn't make any sense, yes, it's wrong — you replied, looking over your shoulder.

— Why?

— Because it's wrong, Fernando.

— That's not an answer, Y/N — he replied — Come on, why doesn't it make sense?

Turning at once, anger rose like a hot wave across the back of your neck.

— Because you just discarded me like I was a fucking defective toy.

Fernando looked at you, seriously.

— You know that's not how I see you.

— No? And when you said you didn't have any space in your life for me? Isn't that discarding?

— Y/N — the driver murmured, running a hand through his hair.

— What? — you growled — Is this the way you show that you like me, that you care about me? Saying you don't want me near you?

You didn't have time to react before he advanced towards you, stopping just inches from your face. Fernando was so close to you that you could feel the heat of his skin, as well as the warm and slightly sweet smell of the cologne he was wearing at that moment. It was different from what he normally wore, but it wasn't all bad.

— Would you rather I forbid you from returning? That I stopped you from realizing your dreams? — he returned — Would you prefer if I locked you in a cage or put a collar around your neck to have you all to myself?

The words were stuck in your throat, your bottom lip trembling.

— I know my place in your life, Y/N. And I can't fight it, I can't fight the fact that I can't go further.

— Can't, or don't want to? — you asked in a low voice.

Fernando stared at you for long seconds, as if he was measuring his own words. Bringing your hands up to his face, you stroked the gray speckled beard you loved so much but had never been able to convince him to keep.

— I can't — he murmured, as his thumbs drew circles on his cheek — Y/N, please...

— But you want it — you stated, your eyes going down to his mouth, where his tongue slid to moisten his own lips — You want me.

— Yes, but…

— Then take what you want. Kiss me, touch me, make me what I was from the beginning, from the moment you looked at me for the first time.

The seconds of silence that stretched after your words seemed endless. Bringing your face closer to his, your nose lightly touched Fernando's, almost as a foreshadowing of what was about to happen.

— Make me yours — you whispered.

The moment his lips touched yours was sublime. Your chest filled with a hot, overwhelming sensation, your hands gripping his face tightly. At that moment, you tried to hold on to that feeling of finally being in the place you always imagined yourself in: in Fernando's arms.

It didn't take long for his tongue to invade your mouth, his hands squeezing your waist and bringing your body closer, as if he wanted you two to become one. And personally, that was your only desire at that moment, as you slid your lips down his neck.

— You've always been a naughty girl, haven't you? — Fernando asked as soon as you nibbled on his ear, your fingers squeezing your skin — So naughty, so beautiful...

Taking a few steps back, the driver escaped from you momentarily, sitting on the gray sofa you had in the living room. With his hands to your shirt, you didn't need any words from him to rip it off your body, your shorts sliding down your legs soon after. Taking in the sight of you completely naked for the first time, an almost boyish gleam appeared in Fernando's eyes.

— You are much more beautiful than I imagined…

— You mean you imagined me naked? — you questioned with a suggestive smile, while positioning your knees next to his legs, straddling his lap.

— It's hard not to imagine when you wore those indecent little pajamas of yours to bed — he murmured, his hands sliding down your thighs, while you supported yourself on his shoulders — That baby blue one was wonderful.

— Do you want me to put it on?

A mischievous smile appeared on his lips.

— Now that I've taken off your clothes, I'm not going to ask you to put them back on — Fernando replied, taking his hand to his face and, with a subtle movement, bringing his lips to his in a delicate, almost careful kiss. It was up to you, after a few seconds, to wrap your arms around his neck and ask for passage to explore his mouth the way you wanted.

Sliding his hands down to your butt, the driver made you stand up, bringing his face to one of your breasts. The soft touch of his tongue made you shudder, your fingers digging into his dark curls as a moan escaped his lips.

— I could hear you moaning all night long — Fernando murmured against your skin, his eyes fixed on yours, getting drunk with the pleasure in your expression — Asking, begging for me, the way I always imagined...

It didn't take long for you to start to feel the arousal become uncomfortable, almost painful. You needed more, much more than just kisses and nibbles on your breasts. Lowering your hips just above the not-so-discreet bulge in his shorts, you looked at Fernando, trying to condense what you wanted into a look full of desire.

Without saying anything, he repositioned you a little back, giving him some space to open the button and zipper of your shorts, sliding them and your underwear down. The movement allowed his dick to be revealed, hard and particularly large, with the veins standing out along its length. Biting your lower lip, you brought your index finger to one of them, following the path from the base to the tip, feeling Fernando's muscles tense.

— What do you think?

Looking up at him, you smiled.

— Good.

—Wasn't that what you imagined?

— It's hard to say, since every time I imagined your dick, it was in my mouth or my pussy.

Bringing a hand to your face, Fernando caressed your cheek.

— You are very naughty.

You chose not to answer, rising again to align your own entrance with his cock. Then, you lowered yourself, feeling him enter inch by inch, settling inside you. Closing your eyes, you allowed a moan to escape your lips, as did Fernando, who grunted against your neck.

After a few seconds, you started to move, testing angles and rhythms, until you found one that you liked. With your hands resting on his shoulders, you alternated between quick vertical movements, followed by slower, deeper thrusts. At that point, her breasts were completely red, marked by Fernando's teeth and hickeys. Marks that you would carry with pride, because it was his mouth and his passion that had done it.

— You're so beautiful — he growled, as his hands roamed over her skin — How could I have been able to let you go...

You couldn't resist the urge to kiss him again, searching for Fernando's lips as if they were the surface and you were looking for air to breathe. In that tangle of arms, hands and fingers, you felt complete. Finally complete.

— I'm going to... Oh my God, Fer, I'm going to cum — you whimpered, as you slid your hips back and forth, rubbing your clit against his pubic bone. Noticing the agony in your expression, he slid his hand until he reached your most sensitive spot. Then, massaging it, he brought you to orgasm, making you let out a loud moan, your muscles shaking and your head lolling back.

Beneath his body, Fernando took a few seconds before reaching his peak, spilling himself inside you with a loud moan, his hands holding your hips tightly to stop your movement.

The silence inside the room wasn't complete due to your heavy breathing. With your forehead pressed against his, your eyes were closed, absorbing that moment and the entire range of feelings that filled your chest with an inexplicable warmth.

— Y/N — Fernando whispered.

— Yeah?

— What now?

You moved your face slightly away from his, analyzing his furrowed eyebrows and anxiety-filled brown eyes. You knew it was impossible to turn around or simply pretend it hadn't happened, especially when you were sure you wanted to do it several more times. But did he want that?

— Well, we have two ways — you started, brushing his bangs away from his forehead — We can classify this as an accident on the road and go back to our lives...

— No, definitely not.

— Or we can stop fooling ourselves and actually live this.

— This? — he raised an eyebrow.

— This. Our relationship — you tried to classify it.

— And by truly living, you mean…

— Without pretending that we don’t have feelings for eachother.

Fernando pressed his lips together, looking away from yours. He was definitely hesitant about taking that step. And you were sure you wouldn't let him leave you there, with that doubt hanging over you.

— Do you want me to come back with you to Europe? — you asked softly, making him look at you again.

— Would you come back?

— If you wanted.

The driver let out a heavy sigh.

— I don't want to ask you this, Y/N.

— Why not?

— Because I don't want you to give up everything for me and my career.

— You talk as if this is the only place in the world where there are hospitals accepting residents — you countered, placing your hands on his cheeks — I'll find a way, Fer. We'll find a way. But I ask you just one thing.

— What?

— Don't leave me here, alone.

Fernando smiled, bringing his face closer to yours.

— Never, guapa.

[laurenairay]

I'm still haunted by the memories - S. Crosby

Summary: Maeva thought five years was long enough to get over Sidney breaking her heart. Apparently not.

Words: 5.5k

This is my fic for @senditcolton​’s birthday bingo! I chose the bingo squares ‘wedding season’, ‘It was always you’, ‘free space – argument scene’, ‘second chance romance’, and ‘interrupted kiss’. I haven’t written a full fic for Sid in ages, so I really hope you like this!

Warnings: angst, past break up scene, exes to (potential) lovers

Title: Little do you know, by Alex & Sierra

~

“What am I to you?”

“What?” Sidney asked, confused.

“What am I to you? What do I mean to you?”

“What’s going on, Maeva?” he asked, frowning.

“Can you just answer my question please?”

Sidney frowned even more at the sharpness of her voice. “You’re my girlfriend. I love you. What’s going on?”

“You love me?”

“Yes! Mae, seriously…”

She could tell he was getting frustrated now, but that didn’t settle the gnawing feeling in her stomach.

“We’ve been together five years now. I love you more than I thought could’ve ever loved anyone. Five years of cheering you on no matter what. Five years of supporting you and the team and all the better halves as they’ve come and gone. Five years of always coming second but putting on a smile because I know hockey is your whole world. But I thought I would’ve at least had a part of it?”

“I don’t understand what you mean. Of course you’re part of my world,” Sidney said, confused.

Was he really going to be that cruel, to pretend he didn’t know what she meant?

“At the team get together this weekend, when we celebrated the latest Pens rookie getting engaged, someone joked to you about when you were going to put a ring on my finger too. But you just snorted and changed the subject…”

She trailed off, watching Sidney’s face pale a little bit, his reaction sinking like a stone in her stomach.

“I don’t…where did you hear that?”

“I was right behind you, Sid. I was right there and Kris & Cath saw me but you didn’t. They sent me pitying smiles and I hated it, Sid. Why don’t you want a life with me?” Maeva asked, her voice finally cracking as tears threatened to spill.

“We already have a life together. Why do we need to complicate it?”

“Complicate it? You think marriage is just a complication?” she shot back.

“I just don’t see why we need to put a label on things. We’ve got a good thing going,” Sidney huffed.

“Labels? Are you kidding me? I’m nearly 30, Sid, and all I have to show for the thing I’ve poured my heart into for five years is a couple of photos on your cup days? You won’t take me out in public, you don’t talk about me to anyone outside of your team and your immediate family, you can clearly drop me at any moment…are you ashamed of our relationship? Have I been wasting my time?”

“Damn it Mae, I’m not ashamed! I thought you understood that I like my privacy!”

That’s all he took out of it?

“I know you value it, Sid, but I didn’t think it would get to this point. I didn’t think you would go this far. I’m tired of being an afterthought to you!”

“And I’m tired of you being so insecure!”

Her breath hitched in her throat as a pang of hurt rang through her chest, and she could see a flash of regret immediately pass over Sidney’s face.

“Maeva…”

“I’m done. I can’t do this anymore, Sid. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel appreciated and there is nothing wrong with wanting to know that I have a future to look forward to. Because apparently I don’t. Who knew that Sidney Crosby was such a commitment-phobe?”

~

Maeva glanced out of the airplane window, hazy memories passing through her mind as the plane started its decent into Halifax airport. It didn’t seem like it had been five years since her life with Sidney had fallen apart, almost as long as their just-over-five-years relationship. But the memories of that awful night still burned her heart like a hot poker. She may have left him that night, may have returned to Canada, but she hadn’t been able to move back to Nova Scotia. She’d tried, sure, but she’d only lasted a few months before the memories of their time there together was too much to bear too. It had felt right to flee to the other side of Canada, all the way to Vancouver where she was able to secure an apartment and a job where no-one knew who she was. Maeva had only visited her parents a few times in the five years since – and only when she knew he absolutely wouldn’t be there.

Everything had just hurt too much. It still did.

But now, for the first time in as long as she could remember, she was heading back to Cole Harbour in the summer. Her cousin Natasha was getting married, and her aunt had begged Maeva to come home to join her parents in attending. If it wasn’t for the fact that she and Natasha had grown up as close as sisters, Maeva would’ve found an excuse somehow – but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. All she had to do was survive the long weekend. It was late Thursday evening that she’d flown over, leaving Friday for wedding errands, Saturday for the pre-wedding celebrations, and Sunday for the wedding day itself - both ceremony and reception. She’d managed to book a flight home at midday on Monday, but she knew that this weekend was going to be a test of her strength.

Maeva had done so well to protect her heart for so long, and she didn’t want a few days back in Cole Harbour to ruin it.

It didn’t take long for her to pick up her suitcase and head to the arrivals area, a small smile crossing her lips at the sight of her dad waiting for her. Maeva could happily admit that she was a daddy’s girl, through and through, the two of them having the only blonde hair in the family, his quiet calm aura always making her feel happy and secure. That was one of the only things she regretted about not toughing it out in Cole Harbour – she didn’t get to spend the time with her dad that he deserved.

She made a mental note not to take that for granted this weekend.

“My little Maeva,” he said gruffly, warmth seeping into every word as he hugged her tightly.

“It’s good to see you. I’m…I’m sorry it’s been so long,” she murmured when they eventually separated.

“Oh don’t you worry about that. I’m just glad you’re home for the wedding. Lord knows I need a little more sanity in the house.”

Maeva just snickered, looping her arm through her dad’s as they started to walk out to the parking lot. “Mom’s succumbed to wedding fever then?”

“Happily skipped into crazy town, more like it,” he grinned, “I don’t think I can survive another day of folding bits of paper into little birds to decorate the tables.”

Maeva just grimaced, making her dad laugh. That sounded like her idea of nightmare chaos. “Any chance we can avoid most of the wedding prep tomorrow?”

Her dad just smiled indulgently. “Oh I’m sure I can figure something out.”

She really had missed him.

~

Just as her dad had promised, he managed to get the two of them out of the intense wedding preparations that the family were taking part in on Friday. The two of them went out for a long breakfast in the morning, before her mom could bundle her into the car and over to her aunt’s, and after a slow walk by the waterside, telling him all about her life in Vancouver and her small circle of friends and her low-key retail managerial career, they eventually made their way back to the house. Her mom was annoyed with them both, Maeva knew that much, but she couldn’t stay mad at Maeva for long, not really when she knew exactly why her only daughter never came home – and Maeva made up for it by ironing her dad’s shirt for the wedding and steaming his suit, her mom’s dress, and her own dress, while her father shined his shoes to her mom’s satisfaction.

There would be enough time to apologise to her cousin on Saturday during the welcome lunch up at Hatfield Farm, where 30 close family and friends would be staying overnight ahead of the wedding on Sunday (with the same 30 staying on the Sunday night). Thankfully the venue was only a 40 minute drive from her family home in Cole Harbour, so she would have plenty of time to make her flight back to Vancouver on the Monday.

She just had to get through the weekend first. One step at a time.

Saturday morning was as chaotic as Maeva thought it would be. Her mom had the three of them loading up her dad’s car like a military operation, checklist on clipboard included, to make sure that nothing was left behind, especially as their part of the family was in charge of the table centrepieces and fairy lights for decorating the reception hall. Once all of that, and their wedding outfits (and shoes and accessories) were ready, along with their overnight bags, it was coming close to midday, and with a picnic basket full of snacks and drinks for the little cabin that the three of them would be staying in, they hit the road.

Despite everything, it made Maeva smile as she recognised the other cars on their journey, all of them making their way to Hatfield Farm like a miniature invasion. The curse of a small town.

It didn’t take long to sort out the accommodation keys, and once Maeva had hung up her dress for the wedding (at her mom’s request to reduce wrinkles), she sprayed a little perfume and fluffed up her blonde hair before rejoining her parents.

“Ready to face the circus?” her dad grinned.

“Honestly,” her mom tutted, elbowing him.

But even she gave Maeva a worried glance.

“I’ll be fine. Cole Harbour may be a small town, but it’s not like Sidney can pop up everywhere,” Maeva said, trying to convince herself as much as them. “It’ll be good to celebrate Natasha’s happy day.”

“Atta girl,” her dad said gruffly.

Her mom just nodded, threading her fingers through her dad’s to silently lead them across the grounds to the main reception hall, where the welcome lunch was being held. They weren’t the last people there, not by any means, but they definitely weren’t the first. Maeva could see her cousin walking towards them with a big smile on her face, dressed in a gorgeous peach dress and looking radiant with happiness, and that joy was infectious.

Until Maeva glanced across the other side of the room, that is.

The sound of her breath catching in her throat was enough to make her parents look in the same direction, and her unflappable dad scowled in a way she’d never seen before.

“What is he doing here?” her dad asked lowly, lips pursing as he turned back to look at her cousin.

Natasha glanced over and cursed under her breath. “Sid wasn’t meant to be arriving until later. I was meant to have enough time to give you a warning, Maeva. Carl invited him but wasn’t sure if he could make it – they’ve been friends since they were kids.”

“Curse of a small town,” she murmured, her smile shaky.

She glanced back at him, thankful that he hadn’t noticed her looking yet, her heart racing in a way that made her feel sick as she took him in. Sidney looked good, of course he did. Broad shoulders, giant ass, and thick thighs filling out his suit so perfectly, hair dusted with grey in a way that only made him look distinguished. He was standing sideways, talking with Nate (of course Nate was here too) and a couple of other guys from their hometown, and as he laughed, head thrown back, the sound of his ridiculous honking giggle made her want to cry.

She wasn’t ready. How could she think she was ready?

Her mom subtly took her hand in hers, squeezing gently to reassure her, only making her dad curse under his breath again.

“Hey, you’re my cousin. If him being here is going to ruin your weekend, I can kick him out. I don’t care if his name is on the town sign – you are family,” Natasha said firmly, voice still quiet.

Tears stung at her eyes slightly at her cousin’s care, but she shook her head. No, no she had to face being in Cole Harbour at the same time as him at some point. She wasn’t going to let him ruin things, not this time. “It’s been five years. I’ll survive.”

Natasha just frowned, taking Maeva’s free hand in her own.

“You just say the word and he’s gone, okay? I haven’t had a chance to be bridezilla yet,” she said, grinning sharply.

Maeva laughed a little wetly, shaking her head again, squeezing Natasha’s hand and her mom’s to say thank you silently.

“Everything will be fine. There will be enough people here that you can just avoid him!” her mom said, smiling.

Maeva didn’t need to look at her dad as he huffed to know that just wouldn’t happen. But still, she had to believe it was possible or she wasn’t even going to make it through today. She could avoid him as much as possible – there was only so much her heart could handle.

“Drinks?” Natasha suggested.

“Hell yes,” Maeva sighed.

Drinks, then setting up the reception hall with the fairy lights, and bringing in all of the table centrepieces ready for the venue staff to set up in the morning. Then maybe some more drinks. She could handle that.

When she eventually went to sleep close to midnight, her heart was aching in the worst way – Maeva hadn’t expected to actually be able to avoid Sidney, but she also hadn’t expected to feel his eyes trailing her around the room for the entire day.

And she was dreading tomorrow even more, now that she knew he would be there.

~

Breakfast in the morning was a communal affair. The wedding ceremony wasn’t until 2pm, and the staff at Hatfield Farm were putting on a breakfast spread for all the guests from 7-9am, so Maeva was making good use of it, knowing she wouldn’t eat for hours after this. Her dress was a flowy one thankfully, so she didn’t have to worry about carb bloating – it was one of the reasons she’d chosen it, along with the fact at it was light and airy enough for the warm weather and a gorgeous shimmery gold colour that complimented her wonderfully. And it didn’t conflict with the beautiful lilac and cream wedding colours either, which was a bonus.

Her parents had already eaten and headed back to the accommodation, leaving Maeva to finish her orange juice in peace. Still, being back in Cole Harbour after all this time, surrounded by people that she’d left behind in her efforts to leave him behind…it was almost too much, and she found herself stepping outside for some air to clear her head.

One more day.

She could make it one more day.

But the moment that she heard footsteps walking over to her, she knew her luck had run out.

“I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to get you alone.”

Hello to you too, Sidney.

“Why would you even want to?” Maeva said, voice cold and polite as she turned to face him.

Sidney just winced. “Mae, come on, you know why.”

Oh screw him. Shortening her name like he used to, playing with her emotions like that? No.

“No, Sidney, I don’t know why,” she said shortly, “We broke up five years ago, almost as long ago as the whole length of our relationship was – so what could you possibly have to say to me?”

“Please don’t be like this. I’m trying to apologise,” he said, frowning.

“Apologise for what, exactly?” she asked, folding her arms over her chest.

Sidney just huffed out a frustrated breath, putting his coffee mug down on a nearby table.

“Maeva, I’m serious. I’m trying to be the bigger person here and-”

“Are you kidding me? The bigger person? Our relationship ended because you couldn’t commit, Sidney, and you’re talking about being the bigger person like I’ve done something wrong?” she said angrily,

The nerve. What the hell.

“If you would just listen to me…”

“Listen to what? What could you possibly have to say to me?” she spat, cutting him off again.

“If you’d stop interrupting me then I could actually say it!” he shot back, shades away from shouting.

“Uh, guys?”

Maeva looked sharply to the left, seeing Nate standing there awkwardly looking like he’d rather be anywhere else.

“What, Nate?” Sidney said shortly, cheeks flushed.

“Uh, your mom is looking for you, Maeva,” he explained, grimacing.

“Thanks. We were done here anyway,” Maeva said coldly.

“No we…”

But she just stormed away, not letting Sidney finish, ignoring the hissed conversation between the two men, trying desperately to keep her composure until she was alone. Just as Nate said, her mom was glancing around, and the moment that she spotted her, her face fell.

“Let’s get back to the rooms to get ready, yes?” her mom said, pasting a smile on her face.

It was all Maeva could do to nod, letting her mom usher her along, the fire in her chest from their building argument fizzling away into an all-consuming black hole of sadness. Why would he confront her like that? Why would he want to unsettle her like that after all these years? She would never have thought of him as cruel, but this…this was the last thing she needed. Those few minutes were everything she’d been trying to avoid, and the wedding hadn’t even officially start yet – how was she going to make it through the rest of the day?

The moment that their cabin door was shut behind them, her mom whirled around to face her.

“Maeva, sweetie, what happened?”

She opened her mouth to explain, but all that she managed to do was start crying, tears streaming down her cheeks. Her mom let out an uncharacteristic curse, cradling her in her arms, only making Maeva sob harder. This is why she never came home. This is exactly why.

She didn’t know how long it took for her to calm down, for her sobbing and tears to fade to sniffles, and she was just glad that her mom hadn’t changed into her wedding outfit yet.

“Give me the word and I will get laxatives put in his drinks. I know people,” her mom said seriously.

Maeva choked out a laugh, smiling shakily at her mom’s attempt to cheer her up, but shook her head.

“It was stupid. Just stupid. I wish he wasn’t here but I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of leaving,” Maeva said sadly.

“You’re a braver woman than I am,” her mom said, huffing out a laugh.

“Nah, I get it from you, eh?”

Her mom just smiled shakily, giving her another quick hug before pulling back to rest her hands on her shoulders.

“Let’s get ready for this wedding. Have a shower and then I’ll help you with your hair,” her mom said firmly.

Maeva just smiled, nodding her head, heading towards her room as she heard the shower stopping. By the time she’d gathered her towels and underwear, her dad was back in the room he shared with her mom, leaving her to shower quickly. Leaving her with her swirling thoughts.

Even though minutes ago her blood was boiling with his audacity, her heart still ached for him. Up close the grey in his hair looked even better than she’d thought, the slight laughter lines around his eyes only adding to his appeal. His voice was a smooth as she remembered, his figure just as broad and overwhelming compared to her slight frame as it always had been. Even his intensity, his emotion, was exactly as she remembered, sending shivers down her spine.

She missed him.

And she hated it as much as she loved it.

She loved him. Even as much as she wished she didn’t.

It didn’t take her long to do her make up and put on her dress, and she blow-dried her hair to the point where it was manageable by the time her mom knocked on her bedroom door.

“Oh sweetie, you look beautiful,” her mom said, voice earnest and sweet.

Maeva just grinned back at her, twirling on the spot to watch her golden dress flare in the mirror.

Her mom laughed, rolling her eyes fondly as she guided Maeva to sit down on the end of the bed. She expertly twisted half of her hair up into an elegant bun, fixing it in place with a couple of bobby pins and a ribbon that matched the gold of her dress, leaving the rest of her hair to flow down her back in blonde waves. It was simple but refined, and she felt pretty the moment she looked in the mirror.

“Thanks mom. Let’s do this thing.”

“That’s my girl.”

~

The wedding was beautiful. Maeva didn’t know what else she expected though, if she was being honest. Natasha looked ethereal as she glided down the aisle, her fiancé crying a little when he saw her, and the two of them didn’t stop smiling at each other the whole ceremony. Maeva kept her eyes on them the whole time, even though she could feel eyes on her throughout the hour – she knew exactly who they belonged to, but she just couldn’t. She couldn’t, not at a wedding she knew she would never have.

All the guests moved into the reception hall, sitting at their assigned tables, Maeva sitting between her parents with each of them holding one of her hands like they didn’t want her to disappear. She could only imagine what her mom her told her dad about her breakdown this morning, but that was the last thing she wanted to think about right now. All through the wedding speeches Maeva sipped on her champagne, laughing at the appropriate moments, tearing up at her uncle’s heartfelt words, cheering the toasts to the new bride and groom. She could barely remember what she ate when the food came and went, but she dutifully ate under the watchful eye of her mom, making small talk with the other members of their table, answering politely to questions about her life in Vancouver, 6000km feeling even further away than ever before.

By the time the additional guests joined them all for the evening reception, Maeva was well on her way to being overwhelmed, but she joined the circle of people on the dancefloor to watch Natasha and her new husband in their first dance.

Just as the music started, a familiar figure stepped up next to her. Maeva froze, desperately trying to think of how to make a subtle exit, but Sidney gently pressed a flute of champagne into her hand.

“This is an apology drink,” he murmured. “I should never have lost my temper with you this morning.”

Not here. Not now.

She didn’t know what her face was showing as she glanced up at him but Sidney’s face just looked sad.

“Can we talk after their first dance finishes? Please?” he begged softly.

There was something in his voice that made her façade crack.

“Fine.”

She didn’t dare take her eyes off of Natasha and her husband for the rest of the dance, sipping the champagne flute, waiting until people started joining them on the dancefloor to slip away, Sidney subtly following her. Just off the side of the venue was a small courtyard, separated from the rest of the outside space by a trellis of flowers, just enough to give them a semblance of privacy.

Maeva put down the glass as Sidney joined her, wrapping her arms around herself partly as a guard, partly as comfort, her ex-boyfriend standing in front of her looking just as overwhelming as he always had.

“Thank you for agreeing to talk to me,” he started, smiling a little.

“What did you want to talk about, Sid?” she sighed.

“I messed up all those years ago,” he murmured.

No, no she couldn’t do this.

“Sidney I can’t,” she interrupted, shaking her head.

“Please, please just let me finish,” he begged.

She just bit her bottom lip, glancing away from him briefly to steel herself, before nodding.

“I have spent five years trying to think about what I would say if I ever got the chance to see you again. Five years playing the conversation over and over again in my head, going through every scenario, and right now in this moment, none of it is coming to my head,” he said softly.

That was so typically Sid.

“Forget what’s in your head. What’s in your heart?” she found herself saying.

He huffed out a laugh, nodding his head.

“I love you, Maeva,” he said, tears glistening in his eyes.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh god this was the last thing she’d been expecting.

He still loved her?

“Do you love me too? Is there any chance that you still love me?” he asked desperately.

He still loved her?

Running on pure instinct, Maeva choked out a sob as she leaned up and kissed him, hands clutching at his shirt.

Of course she still loved him.

Sidney didn’t hesitate as he kissed her slowly back, cradling her face with both hands, pouring everything into the embrace. Maeva’s head swirled as her blood surged and her heart raced…and then a couple of wedding guests stumbled outside too, clearly drunk. They were mostly giggling and falling into themselves, so they didn’t notice Sidney and Maeva springing apart, and as they stumbled around the corner Sidney quickly took one of Maeva’s hands in his, breaking her out of her frozen state of shock.

“You still love me?” Sidney asked hopefully.

“That was so stupid. I shouldn’t have…we shouldn’t have…”

His face fell.

“Please don’t run away. Please don’t leave me, not again,” Sidney begged, interrupting her rambling words.

She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t do this.

“We can’t just go back to how things were, Sid,” Maeva said sadly, “We’re different people now, we’ve both changed.”

“Then let me get to know you again. And you can get to know me,” Sidney said desperately, “We still love each other – isn’t that enough?”

Maeva’s face must’ve looked as incredulous as she felt, because he squeezed her hand a little tighter, eyes burning with intensity. She remembered that look. It still had the same effect on her, knowing that Sidney was leading up to something heart achingly earnest.

“You are right, I’ve changed – I’m not the same man I was before. I made the biggest mistake of my life taking you for granted, letting you go when I should’ve fought for us, and I regretted it the moment I realised you’d truly left. My stupid pride kept me from reaching out to you in the first few weeks, and when I got over myself, it was too late.”

“Sidney…” she murmured.

“No-one would tell me where you went. Your parents wouldn’t talk to me, or to my mom. Your friends blocked my number. All Taylor could find out was that you were in Cole Harbor for a few months before you left for good and that you’ve barely been back since. I searched for you, for any sign of you, wherever I went and it still wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.”

“Sidney,” she repeated, tears stinging her eyes.

“I am so sorry, Mae. I love you. I always have – it was always you. It was always going to be you, and I’ve spent five years regretting every single moment of that stupid fight and everything I did leading up to it. As selfish as it is, I can only hope that no-one else has your heart. Can you ever forgive me?”

Maeva swallowed heavily, letting go of his hand to run shaky fingers through her hair in an effort to compose herself. This was everything she’d ever dreamed of hearing from him and it was also everything she’d dreaded. She’d spent so long in therapy building up her walls, repairing her heart, learning how to heal herself and protect herself from falling into this kind of heartbreak again.

But she loved him.

She loved him so deeply that she didn’t know how she could ever stop. Sidney Crosby was so intrinsically part of her that she knew that, being honest with herself, she didn’t know what a life without him looked like. It was one of the main things she still talked about with her therapist, her inability to accept anyone new into her heart, and she knew deep down that no-one would ever replace him, not truly.

But was she ready to just fall back into his arms.

“I don’t know if I can,” she said softly, and wow wasn’t the devastated look on his face heartbreaking? “I want to, Sid, but I have spent years trying to move on from you and I don’t think I can handle going through what we did again.”

Sidney let out a shaky breath, smiling sadly as his eyes shined with tears. “The last thing I want is to hurt you. I just…I want to show you that I’ve changed. I want to show you all of the love that I should’ve shown you five years ago. You deserve that much. You should have someone love you in every single way that you absolutely deserve.”

“Sidney…” was all she could murmur again.

Maybe it was her lack of refusal, or the softness in her voice, but Sidney took one of her hands again, squeezing it gently.

“I know that we have separate lives now. I know that you have created something wonderful for yourself without me. But all I’m asking for is a chance to start over,” he said softly.

“But how would that work with you in Pittsburgh and me in Vancouver?”

“You’re a Canucks fan now?” he grimaced.

Of course that was his priority. Still, she found herself choking out a laugh, shaking her head as Sidney flushed a little with shame. “I haven’t watched hockey since I left Pittsburgh. Vancouver was just the furthest I could get away and still be in Canada.”

The look that passed over his face was a curious mix of sadness, regret, and frustration, before it settled into the determination she’d known for years.

“Can I call you?”

“What?” she asked, frowning.

“Can I call you?” he repeated. “I’m still not on social media, other than whatever the team makes us do. I’m getting better at texting. Emails are so-so. But I would love to talk to you, to hear your voice. I miss you, so much.”

How did he know exactly what to say to make her heart cry out?

“Sidney, come on,” she pleaded, trying to ignore the lump rising in her throat.

But he didn’t back down.

“Tell me no, Maeva. Tell me no, and I will walk away. You know I’m not that guy – no means no, and if you mean it then I will never bother you again,” he said seriously.

“You know I can’t,” she murmured.

Sidney just let out a shaky breath, squeezing her hand again as a smile hopeful smile crept across his lips.

“So let me call you. We can start with baby steps. I know you have a life in Vancouver now…but I just want to be part of it. I wasted five years of my life without you because I was an idiot who didn’t appreciate the incredible woman I had – all I want is another chance. Do you love me?”

He really was devastating, wasn’t he?

“Do you love me?” he repeated, running his thumb over her knuckles.

“I do love you. I don’t think I know how to stop,” she said, feeling like an idiot but smiling anyway.

Sidney just smiled like he couldn’t believe his luck, and slowly lifted her hand to his lips, kissing her knuckles gently, keeping his gaze locked on hers.

“I love you, Maeva,” he murmured.

He kissed her hand again before gently lowering it back down to their sides, so much emotion in his face that Maeva didn’t know what else she could possibly do.

“You can call me. I’m making no promises, but you can call me,” she said softly.

The smile that spread across his face made her heart soar for the first time in years.

~

Little do you know how I'm breaking while you fall asleep? Little do you know I'm still haunted by the memories? Little do you know I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece? Little do you know I need a little more time?

Oh wait, just wait, I love you like I've never felt the pain, Just wait, I love you like I've never been afraid, Just wait, our love is here, is here to stay, So lay your head on me.

[lightandheatao3]

The Bunker - Criminal Minds

Chapter 14: The Photograph

Summary: Spencer Reid wakes up in a locked bunker to find half the current BAU and two of its departed members unconscious on the floor. The old team is back together but the reunion is not what any of them would have wished for. An Unsub from their past has decided it's time they all stop keeping secrets, even if it means exposing them by force.

Hotch and Derek have been pulled back into a world they tried to escape. Emily, Rossi, and JJ are doing their best to keep it together. Spencer is falling apart.

AKA a found family is reunited and forced to go through the most nightmarish version of family therapy imaginable.

Set months after the end of Criminal Minds: Evolution. Evolution referenced, but not necessary to understand the story.

Chapter Summary: The team look at photos.

Read chapter 14 on AO3 or under the cut. Please check AO3 for content warnings. All comments and reblogs are extremely appreciated <3 I would love to know what you like about the story :)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13

The photographs formed a storyboard of the past year of their lives.

They must have been at it for hours, meticulously sorting them into what they figured was as close as they could get to chronological order. They lined the photos up side by side on the floor, taking up the length of an entire 30 foot wall two rows deep, a colorful collage of their shared violation.

They process was clinical and procedural. This was as much hard data as they'd had since they got there and unassailable professional instinct made the next steps clear. It felt good to have something tangible to work with, even if the subject matter was unsettling.

There was a silent agreement not to press each other for context on any of the photographs beyond time, date, and location: All the details needed for a detailed timeline and geographical profile.

They didn’t comment on the photograph of JJ in a bar with a half empty pint of beer and tears in her eyes, still wearing her work clothes. They didn’t ask Hotch about the photo of him and Jack in a parking lot clearly in the middle of an argument.

Even a person with nothing in the world to hide would have moments they didn't want to share over the course of an entire year of their lives.

At one point Derek deviated just a moment from their agreement and chuckled at a photo of Spencer in an expensive apartment sitting on a leather sofa, very close to a rather pretty woman. The picture was taken through the wall to ceiling windows from somewhere in the high-rise across the road. "Friend of yours?" he asked.

“Sort of,” said Spencer, taking the photo and examining the details so he could date it. He looked at both of their outfits, at the length of his hair, at the drink in her hand. He closed his eyes and sifted through every interaction he’d had with that woman in that apartment until he landed on the one with the corresponding details. “3rd of August 2023, 1:30am, Washington D.C. I was there to buy narcotics,” he said, tight lipped. “She’s my dealer.”

With shaky hands, he passed the photo back to Derek, who stared at it again, dashed of any humor.

After a while, he set the picture in its place in the timeline and made no further comments on any of his photos. He noticed the others all stopping to take a look at it with varying degrees of subtlety.

Well, except for Emily, who bent down to look and said, “God damn,” and wolf whistled. “You two look pretty cozy."

“It's not like that," he said sheepishly. "For one, I think you're more her type than I am," he said with a shrug. "I wouldn't call her a friend, but I guess it was good having someone to talk to who already knew how screwed up I was. She's nice enough."

"For a drug dealer," muttered Derek, shuffling through a stack of photos.

Spencer quirked his lip. "I'm not exactly in a position to judge, am I?"

Derek tapped the photos in his hand, straightening them out. "I guess not."

A few minutes later, when Derek handed Spencer a photo taken in that same apartment, he did so wordlessly, extending his arm without even looking up from the photos in his other hand.

A shiver ran down his spine at the confronting image. It was a picture of him slumped back on that same nice leather couch, sleeve rolled up with a tourniquet loosened on his arm and a used needle on the coffee table next to him. His dealer was smoking a joint on the armchair across from him.

He almost forgot why he was looking at the photo, transfixed as he was by the completely sickening thought of the others seeing him like this.

It occurred to him that he had never seen himself like this, either. He looked so sick. That wasn't surprising. He usually waited until he got home to shoot up. The only exceptions to that were when he was particularly desperate for a fix. Or when he couldn't bear to be alone.

As he stared at the photo, a violent vision of digging his nails into his scar and tearing it open intruded into his mind.

He shook his head, clearing it of the disturbing thoughts.

“Um... September 13th 2023. 1pm,” he said, reminding himself of the task at hand.

He handed the photo back to Derek, not sure if the other man was avoiding looking at him out of respect or disgust, but grateful for it either way. As he passed it over, he fumbled, dropping the photograph, which floated dully to the floor and landed face down.

“Shit,” he muttered, pulling his hand back and clenching his fist as best he could, trying to control the trembling and biting back a hiss at the pain that shot through his forearm. “Sorry.”

Derek ignored the dropped photo and finally looked Spencer in the face. “That’s like the fifth time you’ve dropped something since we started this,” he said seriously. “Let me look at your hand,” he said, reaching out for Spencer's left hand without waiting for an answer.

He pulled it away. “It’s fine,” he said. “I'm just shaky. It's mild withdrawal symptoms. It’s not that bad.”

After two weeks on a high dose of fentanyl, some withdrawals were inescapable, but it was nothing compared to what he went through before. It still pretty much sucked, but at least he wasn’t feverish.

"It's not just withdrawal," interjected Hotch, stepping up behind Derek and folding his arms. "Every time you fumble, it's your left hand. This isn't going to go away just because you ignore it," he said firmly. "Let Morgan take a look."

Spencer knew he was right, even though he was trying very hard not to know it. The others had stopped what they were doing and were watching the interaction with interest.

He sighed, bracing himself. He held out his mangled left arm to Derek, who grasped his wrist and turned his hand palm-up. He studied it, prodding the muscles around the scar.

Spencer stared at the wall behind Derek's head, looking anywhere except the horrible, foreign flesh that he used to recognize as his arm.

“Any numbness or tingling?” asked Derek.

After a moment’s hesitation, he nodded. “Some.”

Derek pursed his lips unconsciously. He put his fingers on Spencer’s and gave a probing scratch with his own fingernail. “Can you feel that?”

He shrugged halfheartedly. “A bit. The sensation is limited.”

Derek moved his fingers to Spencer’s palm and repeated the previous action. “Here?”

Spencer shook his head. “Barely.”

“Okay,” Derek said, sounding decidedly less than okay. “Tell me when you feel normal sensation again.”

He dragged his fingernail from Spencer’s palm, up to his wrist, and then to the forearm. He was halfway up Spencer’s forearm before he stopped him.

It wasn’t as if this was news to him, but having it validated in the furrow of Derek’s brow was an unexpected blow.

It would have been easier to keep telling himself it was just detox messing with his nervous system.

The others were all gathered in close now, unabashedly observing the impromptu examination.

Derek held out both of his own hands, three fingers raised to the roof on each side. “Try and squeeze both of my fingers as hard as you can,” he instructed.

Spencer did as he was asked, already knowing what the result would be, but somewhat morbidly curious to figure out just how fucked he was.

His right hand squeezed just fine, but the left struggled to form itself into a proper fist, let alone apply meaningful pressure. A burning pain shot through his forearm at the effort.

He dropped his hands pathetically to his sides, finally able to look at Derek now that he didn’t have to risk looking at his scar in the process. He felt the urge to shove his hands in his pockets and was irritated that the scrub pants didn’t have any.

“What’s your diagnosis?” he asked sardonically.

Derek raised an eyebrow at him. “You tell me, genius. Numbness, weakness, loss of fine motor function, and I’m willing to bet you’ve got some pain you’re not talking about.”

“I must have severed the median nerve,” he said tiredly. “It’s unlikely that I’ll ever recover full function.”

“It’s still early days,” chimed in Emily. “You’ve barely healed and haven’t exactly had world class medical care. Don’t count yourself out just yet.”

He once again resisted the urge to shove his hands into his non-existent pockets and settled for crossing his arms instead. “It’s fine, guys,” he said flatly. “We have a job to do. This can wait.”

There was no arguing with that. The damage was already done and worrying about it wasn't going to fix it.

With a few lingering looks of concern, they all returned to the task at hand. Derek bent down and picked up the fallen photo, glancing at it one last time before putting it in its proper place.

When they were done, they had an imperfect but extensive timeline, including geographical information.

Spencer studied every photograph and sifted through every detail of date time and geography in his mind. He pictured a map, marking each location with pushpins, just like he had on the walls of so many police precincts around the country. 

Eventually, he came to one inarguable conclusion.

“There was more than two of them.”

“Are you sure?” asked Emily.

He knelt down, picking up three photos that were placed next to each other on the floor. “Here I am near the West Virginia border on the same day Hotch is in Kentucky. Fine, we know that they work as a pair. It’s possible they had an equal division of labor with the stalking. It’s an unusual dynamic, but we knew that already. But this,” he said, holding up a picture of Emily having lunch with her mother in DC, “was taken at lunchtime on the same day. In ideal traffic, the earliest time they could have gotten from me to Emily is 5 hours, which would have been closer to 3.30pm. Now, theoretically, you could make it from Hotch’s house to Louisville airport in an around 90 minutes, with check in 40 minutes before hand, and be in DC just in time to get this picture. But why? Why go that effort and expense just to get a picture of you at lunch with your mom? Not to mention, they would have to locate you within the city first. How many time a year do you even see your mom? Twice? Three times?”

“Less if I can help it,” said Emily with a grimace.

“Exactly. This isn’t a routine part of your schedule. And you said it was a last-minute arrangement. She wasn’t even supposed to be in the city.”

“That’s right. They couldn’t have known where I was going to be. I didn’t even know where I was going be until the time where they would have been on the plane with no cell service,” she said, clicking her finger as she followed his train of thought.

“And the other one would have been in rural Virginia in a location that was intentionally without cell service-”

“So even in the absolute worst case scenario where they bugged our phones somehow, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to listen in on my mom’s call. They couldn’t have known where I would be.”

“And the most generous timeline would still require them knowing exactly where to go as soon as they landed in DC,” Spencer finished. “They must have had help.”

“You don’t think there could be a third Unsub, do you?” asked JJ worriedly.

“No,” said Spencer. “I doubt it. The way he talked about her, I don't think he would even be capable of forming any kind of meaningful trusting relationship with another person. I don't think their dynamic allows for a third party.”

“What if they didn’t have just one person helping them?” said Rossi. “Think about it. Not one of us noticed that we were being stalked for over a year? Reid, you have an eidetic memory. No matter how careful they are, the fact is if you see the same face enough times, eventually you’ll notice, right?” Spencer nodded. “Never mind that we’re all profilers, most of whom are more than a bit hypervigilant. But if it was four, five, a dozen people sharing the load? That’s a lot harder to spot.”

“You think they contracted their stalking out?” said Hotch, a touch incredulous. “That’s a pretty high risk approach.”

“I don’t think they contracted out all of it,” clarified Rossi. “They’re too obsessive and controlling for that. They would have done the more intimate digging into our lives themselves. But I think they may have hired on PIs for a lot of the day-to-day stuff, including actively following us, photographing us, and learning our routines. Unless anyone has a better theory.”

“Something like that would take a lot of money,” pointed out Derek. “Especially to have people following FBI agents. Buying discretion for a job like that isn’t cheap. Not to mention the associated costs of keeping their identities hidden from the people they hired. It kind of makes sense. I mean, look at this place. It would have taken them a lot of time and resources to set this up. It would be pretty difficult to do that while stalking six people full time.”

“If our profile is correct and we’re dealing with a former prisoner and prison nurse, then how would they have access to that kind of money?” asked Spencer.

They all traded looks before settling on Emily, their default leader. Funny, even Hotch was looking to her.

She sputtered, giving a half shrug. “I wish I had a theory, but I don’t think we have enough information. All of these conclusions are speculative at best, for now. We’ll keep working on it. But for the moment, let’s focus on the positive. If they really were hiring outside help, that’s great for us. Every person involved in this is a weak link in the chain. It doesn’t matter how careful they were or how well they concealed their identities. Things like this leave a trail.”

"I don't think they meant for us to figure this out," said Spencer. "These photos are carefully curated, and everything they presented us was within a plausible time frame. If this is information they didn't want us to know, then it's information we might be able to leverage somehow."

"That's great," said Emily with a smile. "Every new thing we learn is helpful. Good work, everyone."

The congratulatory moment was short lived when a clang at the door made them all jump

A moment later, one paper bag was deposited in the door chamber, followed by another, both by the same single gloved hand that had become so familiar.

Spencer sprung into action. He’d been waiting for this chance. He stepped quickly to the door, leaning down to speak through the hatch.

“I heard you,” he said. “You were in the room with me. I remember you.”

The hatch was halfway to being closed, but it halted before it could fully seal.

Adrenalin surged and his brain kicked into overdrive. She had never responded to their attempts to talk to her.

This was new.

“You saved my life,” he said, taking another step forward. “He wanted to let me die but you said no. Thank you."

He paused, leaving a space he hoped she would fill with a response.

Silence.

 He pressed on. "He’s a sadist. He's not like you. He doesn't want what you want. He won’t indulge you forever.”

The hatch pulled shut and resealed itself.

Apparently, that was not what she wanted to hear.

He looked back at the others. Nobody said anything. What could they say? It was too soon to know what kind of affect his words might have had.

"That's more of a reaction than any of the rest of us have ever got," JJ pointed out. "That's progress."

"Yeah," he said simply.

Being closest to the door, Spencer opened the hatch. He grabbed one of the bags, feeling instantly from the weight that it contained their food. He tried to grab the second bag, but received a viscous reminder that his other hand didn’t work anymore when searing nerve pain shot up his entire arm. He pulled back, cringing.

Emily stepped in, grabbing the second bag for him.

They all watched as he and Emily opened their respective deliveries. His contained fruit and nutritional shakes, as expected. He sifted through in case there was a note inside, and when he found nothing, he placed the bag on the floor for everyone to help themselves to food.

“Huh,” said Emily next to him, staring into the bag.

“What?” asked Hotch.

Emily reached in and pulled out a deck of cards. She tossed it to Hotch, who caught it easily and turned it over curiously. She reached back in and pulled out a soft rubber ball next, just big enough to fit in her hand. She tossed that one to Derek.

“What the fuck?” said a bewildered Rossi.

“There’s a note, I think,” said Emily. “Hold on.”

She dug into the bag with a rattling that indicated at least another couple of items were in there, and she pulled out a folded piece of paper. She put the bag down and unfolded the note.

“When you put me in a cage I saw many who wanted to die but I knew better. Truth is the only freedom that matters. You will understand in time. Be good and it does not need to hurt. Dr Reid,” she stopped abruptly, eyes skimming the page.

“What?” he asked nervously.

It couldn't be another secret. That didn't fit the pattern. It would be JJ, Hotch, or Derek next.

Emily glanced down at the discarded bag, picking it up and digging through it, scrunching the note in her hand as she did so.

“Prentiss?” queried Hotch, approaching her.

She stopped what she was doing for a moment to wordlessly hand him the note, then went back to the bag. She tossed items on the floor as she went. A self-help book titled Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth, which was entirely too on the nose to the point where he almost rolled his eyes. A pack of crayons and an adult coloring in book.

“What in the actual hell is going on?” said JJ, looking at the strange assortment of objects. "Cheesy self-help books? A mindfulness coloring book? Does she have a 'live love laugh' throw pillow in there, too?"

Emily ignored her. She dropped the bag, apparently finding what she'd been looking for.

She held a triangular leather case, like the kind you’d put glasses in. Hotch, who had finished reading the note, stared at the case like it might come to life and bite Emily’s hand off. She peaked inside then closed it back up, shooting Hotch a significant look and gripping it tight in her hand.

Spurred on by the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and their infuriating silence, Spencer reached out and snatched the note from Hotch’s hand.

“Spencer…” said Emily helplessly, and the instant he glanced at the note he understood why.

Dr Reid, you are hurting. You can make it stop. It is your truth. Nobody else can chose for you. You cannot dispose of or destroy it. Break these rules and you will all be hurting.

He looked at the case in Emily’s hand.

He dropped the note on the floor, hands trembling more than ever. Someone behind him picked it up, but he wasn’t paying attention to who.

“What’s in the case?”

“You shouldn’t have to do this,” she said sadly. "It's not fair."

“You read the note, Emily. The last thing we need right now is to get gassed again or to lose our food supply or whatever the hell the next so called punishment is going to be. Let’s just get this over with,” he demanded.

After one last silent check in with Hotch, who could only shake his head helplessly, she extended the case to him. It was within an inch of his hand when Derek reached over from behind him and snatched it away.

“Absolutely fucking not,” he said, the note scrunched in his hand.

He tossed the ball of paper over to JJ, who read it alongside Rossi. A moment later, “What fresh fucking psychodrama are we in now?” from Rossi signaled that everyone in the room was up to date.

Derek opened the pouch and pulled out a single syringe filled with a clear liquid.

His heart skipped a beat as Derek’s thumb raised up to the capped needle, ready to snap it off.

“Morgan, wait!” yelled Hotch, hands raised to Derek in a halting gesture.

Derek froze, lip twitching with the heavy effort of self-restraint. “We're not doing this, Hotch, I swear to fucking god I don’t care what the consequences are.”

“I don’t…” Hotch struggled to string together a thought. His face was pallid and he looked like he might be sick. “None of us want to be here, but we’re here. We’re all going to do what we need to in order to survive. That’s what we agreed.”

“This is an escalation,” said JJ. “She’s moving beyond coercing us into revealing information. If we let her coerce us into physical action, where does this stop?”

The argument continued around him, but he wasn’t listening. His whole body itched. It was just him, alone in the room, staring at a syringe and weighing up the value of his life against the prick of a needle like he had a thousand times before.

“Everyone just shut up!” yelled Emily, snapping him back to reality. He locked eyes with her. They were all watching him. “What do you want to do?” she asked, paying no mind to the others.

What did he want to do?

He turned his back on all of them, raising his one functioning hand to rub at his forehead.

What did he want to do?

His words to Derek rang in his ears. I would shoot up right now, right here in this fucking room while you watched. He’d meant it. He’d really meant it at the time.

Then he decided to go and open a vein right here in this fucking room while they all watched.

He'd only just got back to them. Everything was different now and would be different forever and he hadn't even had time to understand how and the only thing he knew with absolute certainty was that every functional nerve remaining in his body was screaming for him to just take the needle and-

He swung around to face them all. “Give it to me,” he demanded, holding out his hand to Derek.

Derek looked him up and down. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“What difference does it really make at this point?” he asked, sighing. “This wouldn't be the first needle I've stuck myself with. It wouldn't be the hundredth. You think this one is the difference between me being a junkie or not? This isn’t worth putting everyone at further risk for. Just give it to me.”

Derek’s nostrils flared. The fist that wasn’t threatening to snap the needle clenched and unclenched by his side. After a long, excruciating moment, he looked away from Spencer and loosened his grip on the syringe, holding it out to him.

He didn’t look at Spencer as he took it from his hand.

Spencer looked down at it, studying it. He twirled it in his fingers for a second, the way he would with a coin in a magic trick. For just a moment, he let himself feel, once again, like he was alone in the room with it.

Then, he took three strides to the door, opened the chamber, and dropped the syringe inside. He slammed the hatch shut with quite a bit more force than was necessary and made an exodus to far side of the room.

A ripple of relief spread through his companions. “Thank god,” he heard JJ sigh.

He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. A hand came to rest on his shoulder and he opened his eyes to see Derek.

“Thank you,” he said.

Spencer nodded.

He faced the others. “Look, I’ve been back here less than a day. I’m literally sweating fentanyl right now and I can't think about any of this, so if we can agree to pretend it isn’t there and this isn’t happening until she removes the trash at the next food delivery, that would really help me out.” He looked up at the camera, meeting it’s blinking red light with a stony glare. “I won’t play this fucking game with you.”

He couldn't dispose of it, as per the note, but that didn't mean he had to engage. He could exhibit an iota of self-control, for once.

“Hey, it’s alright, Spence. You’re right, let’s not think about it,” said Emily. “Besides, we need to talk about what all this other shit is,” she said with a sweeping gesture at the odd assortment of objects that were strewn across the floor.

“I think what you did really scared them,” said Hotch. “They’re starting to realize you can’t just lock people up indefinitely with no stimuli and expect them to just endure.”

Emily picked up the self-help book and scrunched her nose at it. “If their goal is to stop us all from killing ourselves, the thought of this being the only book I’ll ever get to read again is having the opposite effect.”

Spencer was the only one who met her with a laugh instead of a chastising look.

“Why don’t we take a short break from profiling, put our respective breakdowns on hold, and just for one second pretend that this situation isn’t completely, irrevocably fucked up?” said Rossi, holding up the new deck of cards with a playful wave.

“Rossi’s right,” said Emily. “Sorting through those photographs was rough on all of us, and we've been at it for hours. We can discuss what all of this means for the profile after we’ve eaten and had a break.”

In agreement, they all helped themselves to a piece of food, though Spencer could hardly stomach the thought of eating and was doing so for their benefit more than his own, and arranged themselves in a circle.

He sat with his back to the door. He was not going to turn his head. He was not going to look at it. He was not going to look at it. He was not going to look at it.

Rossi shuffled up the deck. Derek had grabbed the small rubber ball for himself and was absently throwing and catching it where he sat while they settled in.

“So, should I let you all win a round of cards in order to boost morale?” smirked Spencer.

He had a tendency to clean up when they played together on longer trips on the BAU jet, much to both Rossi and Luke’s continuous annoyance, both of whom fancied themselves pretty good players.

There was a pang in his chest at the thought of his absent teammate. How were Luke and Penelope and Tara coping? They must be out of their minds. He missed them all deeply.

“Glad to see your piercing wit remains intact despite everything,” shot back Rossi. “Don’t do us any favors, kid, because I know you’re at less than peak performance and I fully intend to use it against you. Five card draw, aces high, no mercy,” he quipped, dealing out the hand.

With the game agreed on, they politely pretended not to notice as he struggled to rest his cards in his bad hand in order to free up his dominant hand for play. By pulling up his knee and resting his arm on it, he managed to finagle a position that allowed him to maintain a loose grip without much pain. Both his hands were shaking from withdrawal, but if he moved slow he could make it work.

A few hands in, and Spencer was surprised by how immersed he was. The only person who had managed to win a hand against him so far was JJ. She wasn't usually as into it as the rest of them, but the stress was bringing out a competitive streak that he'd rarely seen in her, including a fair bit more swearing than he'd heard from her since she had kids.

“The pattern is obvious,” said Hotch, unprompted, halfway through a hand. He had been putting in the bare minimum effort to participate, being the first to fold most rounds.

“The pattern where Reid keeps kicking our butts?” said Rossi, raising an eyebrow.

“Not my fault,” said Spencer. “You all know-”

“You’re from Vegas, yes, my god, we know,” said Emily, discarding her hand in exasperation. “You’ll feel right at home when we ban you from playing cards just like all the casinos did.”

“After this hand,” said Rossi, “we’re switching to Snap.”

Spencer huffed a laugh and looked at his trembling hands. “That, you might have an advantage in.”

He was almost having fun.

If he focused hard enough on the game and made the effort to joke around with them he could forget for a moment that he wanted to rip his own skin off. He could ignore the sickness, the flashes of vivid red that saturated his brain every time he caught sight of his scar, the loaded syringe sequestered in the hatch behind him.

Smile, laugh, joke, win another hand, joke, laugh, promise them, promise them he wants to keep living. If they wouldn’t believe his words, then he could show them. He’s laughing, he’s joking, he loves them. He wouldn’t hurt himself because he loves them. He’s not going to hurt himself. He promises. Different to the last time he promised because this time, he means it.

None of them were okay either but for his benefit, for all their benefits, they played the game. The least he could do is return the favor.

The least he could do is play the fucking game and stop thinking about where he’d stick the needle since his left arm was too freshly scarred to shoot up in right now and his dexterity was too fucked in his left hand to inject in his right arm, so he’d probably have to do it between his toes. That’s fine, he’s done it before, but it’s not the most hygienic-

“That’s not what I meant,” said Hotch, blessedly interrupting his train of thought. Hotch placed his cards down, face up, giving up any pretense of caring about the game. “The cycle of withholding and rewarding. It’s escalating. She trying to foster co-dependency, with her as some kind of maternal figure and us cast in the role of her children.”

Rossi rubbed at his forehead, tossing his own cards down. “Yeah,” he agreed sombrely. “We don’t clean our room, we don’t get dinner. We follow the rules, she ‘rewards’ us with the means of survival and demands gratitude. She’s likely recreating the same dynamic from her own childhood. If I had to guess, I’d say that imprisonment wasn’t her first experience with confinement. Her arrest and incarceration acted as a trigger, forcing her to relive that original trauma.”

"That's why she's so fixated on us. She perceives us as being responsible for her reliving her abuse and she wants to force us to live through it too, only this time, with her in the position of power," said Emily.

They all leaned in, thoughtful and considered, just as he’d seen them on hundreds of cases before.

“And what happens when abusive parents finally realize that their children can leave them?” asked JJ pointedly.

“Love bombing,” said Derek. “They do a 180 on the withholding behavior and do everything in their power to convince their victims that they’re safe, and to foster dependence in the process.”

Emily picked up the thread. “The gifts, the photographs and their tacit implication that they could be involving our families in this, but choose not to, the additional privileges and luxuries are all ways to make us stay. You know, this place is so secure, if there was a way out, we would have found it a long time ago. Whatever abuse she may have experienced, my bet is she compensated by developing an exaggerated self-preservation instinct. She’s someone who would do anything to survive, no matter the circumstances. She twists her trauma in her mind, re-contextualizing it as something that made her stronger and better. If she sees us as extensions of herself, she may not have anticipated that we could respond in ways she wouldn’t have.”

Spencer rubbed at his arm uncomfortably. “She leaned on deprivation and punishment as primary means of control because it never occurred to her that we might need to be persuaded to endure it.”

Hotch’s eyes flicked to somewhere behind Spencer’s head. To the spot on the door that he was diligently refusing to look. “That’s why she’s doing this to you,” he said. “What you did has thrown her plans off balance. She wants you to be dependent, but she’ll take it away as soon as you aren’t playing into her fantasy effectively enough.”

“I know,” he said tersely.

Of course she was trying to control him. She was trying to control all of them. He just had the misfortune of having a convenient dependence ready to go before they were even kidnapped.

Hotch’s face softened. “But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier,” he said sympathetically.

Spencer wrapped his arms around his knees. “Not particularly,” he admitted.

The crinkles around Hotch's eyes were deeper than they used to be, but there was more than that. He had laughter lines. Even as he frowned, the lines were visible. They hadn’t been there when he was with the BAU.

His jawline was softer when they had first woken up in the bunker, and while the weight had dropped off all of them during their detour into starvation, the skin hadn’t quite tightened up. The affects of age were showing in more than just the salt and pepper hair.

Everything that was different about Aaron Hotchner, yet the look he gave Spencer that made him feel like he could see right through him was exactly the same as it ever was.

He knew there was a question coming before the other man even opened his mouth to speak.

“Is there any part of you that’s doing this for yourself or is it all for our benefit?” There was no reprisal in his tone. Just sincere, morbid curiosity. “I know the only reason you're not using that needle is guilt. Do you care at all about what happens to you next?”

He sighed. “What do you want me to say?”

“The truth.”

Not for the first time, Hotch needed something from him. All these questions and there was something he needed Spencer to say. He wanted to give it to him, but try as he might, he couldn’t figure out what it was.

Spencer rubbed at his eyes, allowing himself a split second fantasy that he would look up and be alone, with nobody there to hurt when he opened that hatch and claimed the only ‘next’ that had mattered to him for a long time: His next fix.

“I’m glad I didn’t die, I don't plan to hurt myself, and I don’t intend to get high,” he said carefully. “Those statements are true. Does it really matter why they’re true?”

Hotch mused, pursing his lips. “I suppose it doesn’t right now,” he said eventually.

Spencer looked at him. Really looked at him. He caught the looks on the others faces in his peripheral vision, an array of fascination and worry. Something clicked.

"What about you, Hotch?" asked Spencer.

Hotch blinked, straightening up minutely. He looked as if he'd just remembered that they weren't the only two people in the room.

"What about me?"

"Are you going to be okay?"

Hotch looked taken aback. He reached down and picked up his discarded hand of cards, shuffling them absently. He glanced around the circle at the others, all of whom were awaiting his response.

Eventually, with the utmost composure, he said, "We're all alive, which means it's still possible we'll all make it out of here and get back to our families. As long as that's true, I'm fine." He picked up the rest of the deck that was sat in front of Rossi and started shuffling that too. "I'm sick of poker. Let's play something else."

They all accepted the diversion, chiming in with suggestions for different games. Now wasn't the time to push. There was only so much they could all take at once.

Was this what Hotch felt like with him? Why he was so intent on trying to figure him out?

It was such a lonely feeling, to be a stranger to someone who used to be family. There were times where he felt like they were all a team again, but then these little moments would come along and remind him that they didn't know each other anymore.

He turned away, chancing a glance at the door that contained the hatch that contained the one solution to his problems. The room felt smaller than it ever had.

"Spencer," whispered Emily. "Ignore it," she reminded him.

Right. Ignore it. There was nothing there. There was nothing in the world except the people in front of him.

He picked up the hand of cards that had just been dealt in front of him, ready to play.

[mrs-monaghan]

Hi, it's KY here :)

How is everyone feeling about the Taennie news? Knetz have fully accepted the truth and moved on, I suggest I-fans need to do the same. (Jennie is known for having dating news come out regularly, so it's not a big deal for BP fans. For Armys, the sane ones, we've known for a while now haven't we? It's not a shock anymore.)

I read the comments on my previous ask and don't worry! I will not be sharing anything sensitive whatsoever. I find it funny when other shippers say things like "How is it possible that K-fans can keep things to themselves?" I don't think I've seen anyone else address this yet so let me tell you why.

K-Jikookers are mostly queer. Yes, you read that right. Unlike other shippers, who are straight women that self-insert as one of the members (like they do with TK) we support them as a couple. This means that we don't want to date either of them, and we don't self-imagine as their partner - we know that they're unavailable because they're exclusive to each other. You get me? And we know first hand how terrible it is to be queer in a conservative society. There are actually very few real romantic shippers in Korea, (again, KM is the only romantic ship that has a substantial fanbase) simply because it is so hard to accept two men dating. This is why you will see K-Jikookers on Twitter all being close friends/meeting up in person, because they are kindred spirits. I think it might be hard for westerners to really understand. How do I emphasize this more? The older generation in Korea, anyone older than 30+, is deeply homophobic, to the point where they see anything LGBT as western influence and pervasion. Being American, I know it's hard to grasp that level of homophobia - it's not hate comments about your sexuality or people refusing to sell you a cake for a gay wedding. It's social death, rejection, parents disowning their children, getting fired from your job. I'm not kidding. Do you think us, as queer fans who love and support KM, will willingly out them?

We would never, ever, ever do that, because we know the repercussions. Some Jikookers like to fantasize about their coming out, and I want you to understand: the K-side is terrified of that day. Yes, we all think it will happen in due time, but we are very very scared. You think the hate that JM is getting now is bad? You think people sending food to JK's apartment is bad? Nope. You haven't seen anything yet. You understand what I mean, right? Their coming out will not be a cute post. It will be a carefully orchestrated move complete with a legal and PR team. If/when they are out, their lives will be in immediate danger. I truly believe they will leave the country for a bit, maybe even months, maybe a year. There will not be any public sightings, fan meets, concerts. KM know this very well too. I'm sure there's already a plan in place for it.

And anyone searching for KM evidence on K-Jikookers social media, I would say don't bother. It's almost impossible. The white day photo leak was a massive mistake, and I know exactly who leaked it because they were removed from all group chats immediately. K-Jikookers were very very angry with them (and also cussing out foreigners...please, we all need to keep our mouths shut and keep stuff within our own circles.)

-KY

KY has spoken. We appreciate your services and await your next drop in.

I too, the Jikookers that I know, I have never seen them self insert themselves. Those are y/n idiots who do this shit. Not even in private spaces do I see this happening. We support them as a couple, despite how hot we may find them. We understand and believe they only have eyes for eo.

We appreciate the commercial break KY. Now back to the headline

TAENNIE IS REAL!!!!!

[oneirataxia-haechan]

Cravity as things my babies do

For context I'm a daycare teacher for 0-2 year olds and got this idea at work one day. Let me know any other groups you want to see for this kind of thing!

Cravity hyung line x reader (established relationship) ultimate masterlist & maknae line

Serim

Pouting to get my attention

Pout, pout, pout, pout, pout. Did I mention Serim pouts? He keeps a pout ready for whenever he needs it. It’s pretty hard to say no to him when he does this. If he wants your attention, you’ll be sure to see his pout on display.

Come up and put head on chest and sigh in relief

Will 10000% do this almost daily, if not multiple times a day. He just loves feeling close to you and hearing the sound of your heart makes him happiest. Do this to him and he will get cute aggression and bear hug you.

Follow me out of the room/follow me around

This only really happens when he’s upset, misses you, or when you are ignoring him. Sometimes (when he’s not upset), you’ll hide to see if he can find you. If you are upset and trying to ignore him, he’ll follow you around like a lost puppy.

Staring at me with love

No matter what you are doing, what time of the day, if he’s bored or busy, you will catch him staring at you with the utmost love. You only catch him 30% of the time, but you don’t know that.

Running at me into a hug

FULL SPEED child-like run. This would come when he’s most excited to see you, like when you’ve been apart for a while. Biggest smile will be spread across his face as he’s headed your way.

Trace/play with my tattoos

It started as an act he wasn’t even aware he was doing. Now Serim traces your tattoos when he’s feeling stressed or when he’s trying not to fall asleep. He seems to do it most during car rides home, while you both try to stay awake, watching over the rest of the boys. Sometimes he’ll fall asleep doing so but you are just glad you can help.

Hands in my shirt

Thinks it’s really funny and cute to see you squirm when he puts his cold hands in your shirt, on your stomach. He may also really like falling asleep with his hands wrapped around your body, underneath your shirt.

Play with my face/hands

He’d love to poke your cheeks, lift your chin to look at him, and rub his thumb against your temple. He would also love to hold hands, but more specifically, trace little patterns on your hands, aimlessly.

Allen

Follow me out the room/follow me around

Doesn’t realize he does this until it happens a few times in front of the boys. You were having lunch with the boys when you left to get another drink. You were about to walk back into the room when you overheard a few of the boys asking Allen if he was going to follow you like he always does. After you took your seat, you thought about his little habit and smiled to yourself 

Staring at me with love

I feel like the boys (all 8) have a million photos of Allen staring at you while you’re unaware. Completely and utterly infatuated when you do anything. His favorite is watching you interact with his bandmates, especially if you don’t know he’s around. He’s just so happy you are comfortable around some of the most important people in his life.

Cheek kisses/blowing kisses

Blows you kisses randomly, all the time. It’s to the point where the other boys will blow you and Allen kisses to annoy him. Allen wants you to join in his irritation but it’s just too funny to be upset over. Besides blowing kisses he is the type to give you cheek or forehead kisses as well. Prefers these over kisses on the lips a lot of times but especially in public/around the boys.

Fall asleep to me singing

This began by accident when he had his head in your lap after a hard day. You were listening to music in a headphone and letting him enjoy the peace of the silent room. Wanting to make him the most comfortable, you began running your hand through his hair and rubbing his back. As you were doing this, you aimlessly began singing along to your music. Allen began falling asleep after you started singing and began needing it to fall asleep after really tough days.

Jungmo

Come up and put head on chest and sigh in relief

As simple as that. If he wants to rest his head on your chest, he’s going to. Jungmo doesn’t care and will sigh in comforting relief.

Follow me out the room/follow me around

Jungmo just wants to know what you’re doing, that’s all.

Lay head on thigh

Man secretly LOVES your thighs. His hands usually find their way to rest on your legs, but his head will rest on your thigh when he’s most tired. This happens most on long schedule days during downtime or on the way home from these busy days. He never cares who sees if he’s super sleepy, he owns your thighs anyway.

Matching my dancing and laughing energy 

If you dance, he’ll dance. If you are laughing, he’ll want to know why but will more than likely be laughing before he knows.

Trace/play with my tattoos

Just like resting his hands on your thighs, his fingers will be all over your tattoos. He loves to trace them aimlessly and play around with them. Will ask you over and over about them even though he could probably recite what you’ll say word for word.

Bite me

Bites you like you are a gummy bear. Mostly happens when you give him cute aggression or are teasing him extra. He’s done it so often that you decided to join him, returning the favor. His favorite places to bite you seem to be your hands, thighs, and shoulders.

Woobin

Staring at me with love

A motherly look of love. A look of ‘How did I get so lucky?’ and ‘I can’t believe they love me?’ Will only catch him doing this when you’re doing specific things such as cooking, taking care of the maknae line, being worried about him, and working on something you love.

Play fighting/bickering

You and Woobin don’t argue, but bickering is a whole other story. You both bicker like an old married couple, and many will think you’re upset sometimes until they see the smiles on both of your faces.

Wonjin

Fight to sit on my lap

The boys are very close with you and will sometimes lay on you or sit on your lap, that is, until Wonjin and you began dating. If one of the other boys is sitting on you or seems like they are about to, he will FIGHT TO THE DEATH to reclaim his rightful spot. Even though you find it ridiculous, you can’t help but giggle at his jealousy. The other boys will end up sitting on your lap more now just to annoy Wonjin; it’s their favorite.

Follow me out the room/follow me around

“Where are you going?” “Wonjin, I’m just going pee.” “Y/NNNNNNNN!!!! Waiiiiiitttttt!” “Wonjin, I’m just grabbing a snack.” More occurrences like these will happen where he just demands to know where you are going. If you happen to ignore him or don’t tell him, he will be right behind you in a matter of seconds. HATES when he’s filming, and you aren’t watching him because ‘where did you go?’ Wonjin isn’t the biggest fan of you being out of his sight.

Jealous someone else has my attention

Whoever has your attention that happens not to be Wonjin will soon be hearing about it. Will complain and make pretty obvious comments about him being petty. If you happen to be so busy with someone else that you don’t notice him as he starts acting out though, petty and jealous Wonjin will come out at full power.

Steal/want my stuff (food, drink, phone, toy, etc)

What’s his is his, and what’s yours is his, right? That’s how he sees things. The only thing of his that’s yours is him, himself. Those are his words exactly. Got food? He’ll be needing a bite. Got a cute little toy? “Y/n, can I see it omg!” Then it’s gone forever. Doing something on your phone? Not anymore, you’ll get it back eventually. Once a month, you venture into his dorm room to steal your things back, only for them to be taken soon after.

Say my name just for fun

Ever been sick of hearing your own name? Well, if not, with Wonjin you’ll get there. Not just your name either. Wonjin will repeatedly say pet names as well. He has no limits. He just thinks your name is so pretty, and he can’t believe he gets to call you these pet names. At some point, you just have to ask him to stop or bring in some of the older boys for help.

Play fighting/bickering

Throwing punches, shoving, and arguing like there’s no tomorrow. This is just your relationship. It’s all out of love and just how you both operate in the relationship. When either of you aren’t doing some of these things it’s a sign something is bothering you.

Play with my face/hands

Loves to squish your cheeks any time they look squishable. (all the time) Fidgeting with your fingers helps distract him but also helps him focus. When he’s listening to someone talk or paying attention to a show or movie, he’ll play with your hands to focus. On the other hand, if he’s upset or his anxiety is high he’ll play with your hands to calm himself and distract his mind.

maknae line here

[highfunctioninggarbagefire]

fit friday [rant & thoughts]

I've gotten really into running in 2024 vs. lifting and I'm kinda missing my muscles /; Moving to a big city where the gym is always packed has made it more difficult to have weight training as a priority. Body dysmorphia has also been incredibly challenging this year, at points last Dec-Feb I didn't even want to leave my apartment because I was having such bad sudden acne. I've come a long way, but comments from people I care about still hurt. I can't stop replaying "whoa you're sucking in (your stomach) really hard," in my head after I sent my bf a photo. Not to mention, he's been frequently pointing out his friends in relationships/married/having kids are "getting chunky." And what's even more annoying is he can cut out soda and workout for 2 weeks (like before we went on vacation) and get a 6-pack. I've been working out consistently for 6 years (at times being very restrictive with my diet...no sweets, no bread, no pasta) and I'm not even close. *screeches in jealously* I still stalk ex girlfriends and compare myself to them (another problem I need to shake, its not like going to the gym is going to solve my IBTC crisis). I know comparison is the thief of joy. Lastly, I'm trying not to buy into the "I'm getting older and less desireable" mindset as I turn 30 in 2025, but it's really been replaying in my head and making me miss my youth and compare myself to when I was younger. If I had a time machine I'd go back and tell that girl to be sluttier (ha ha). I'm also trying to mentally prepare for Christmas struggles. Mom is going to comment on my body (too skinny you need to eat [but not too much] and why aren't you taking better care of your skin, etc. etc.) It's all noise, but noise I can't seem to ignore. I care far too much about my appearance (and being lusted after if I'm being honest with myself).

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s4 episode 19 thoughts

very tired. brain empty. only mulder and scully in there

i am sat for the evening, reading the episode description. i'm curious as to if a “technology of the future” mentioned is still going to seem futuristic after 30 years have passed since it first hit TV…

(author's note: yes. we still don't have instant freeze potion. and the main takeaway from this episode is that we shouldn't have instant freeze potion)

i wasn't sure what to expect with this one, but i thought it was pretty interesting! it posed some philosophical questions i hadn't really considered in the real world re: time traveling. in the end though, it was left ambiguous as to what would really happen at the conclusion of the episode, like always, and i think there is enough going on in this universe that for my own sake and the sake of mulder and scully, i am going to assume that time travel was cancelled.

but i liked this episode- apart from the frequent needles! eugh...

we open at MIT, where a guy is running. it looks pretty late at night. 

two people are yelling about a guy named mcfarland while this older man watches. the kids are ignoring this guy telling them that the street is dangerous because they instead want to be loud and argue or whatever, idc. 

this kid in the red jacket (later revealed to be named lucas) seems like a massive douche, and when old man proclaims that he is going to die at exactly 11:46, i feel no deep sadness on the matter. this guy is trying to save your life and you’re gonna treat him like he’s trying to get money off of you??? and be mean to him????

omggg self righteous MIT kids…. yeah i’ll say it. shut tf up!

the campus security officer takes the old man away, but he tells jason not to let lucas cross the street, because he won’t see the bus coming… jason seems shocked that the old man knows his name.

see, if i were jason, i’d take this grouch of a kid and make him wait it out. maybe go to a restaurant or something. if there is one that doesn’t require crossing the street. no ma’am. i will NOT ignore a death prophecy.

lucas is shutting down jason, saying they have nothing to talk about. but the bus approaches!!!!

and sure enough, lucas drops his papers at the predicted time….. and thus concludes lucas.

the bus driver says it looks like jason pushed him in front of the bus! i didn’t see that. but okay. 

intro time woo woo woo woo woo wooooooo

(seriously, it didn’t look like jason pushed him?? am i tripping? i mean, i replayed the scene just to make sure. and it did not look like a pushing occurred)

scully is looking at the photos from the accident, and we learn that lucas was a post-doctoral fellow, which perhaps explains his intense arrogance. although i imagine that sort of thing only really happens if you were a douche BEFORE the phd. it just gets worse after it has been conferred.

OH the tea is: jason was his ACADEMIC ADVISOR!!!! and the bus driver said he pushed him!!!!

damn. can you imagine??? i’m imagining this happening to me. everyone would be shocked.

also, shocked that jason was not a fellow student because he looked to be of doctoral candidate age. but he is actually dr. jason nichols, academic advisor in addition to the other roles i'm sure he plays.

but that's not the point.

and jason wouldn’t tell the cops what they were arguing about!!! suspicious…

mulder sits next to scully on the edge of the desk and they watch jason’s alibi tape- i bet it was a pain to ship that around

(at this moment i got a text and paused to answer it and it froze on a frame of mulder looking at scully as she ponders the case and oh my gooooood. oh my gooood)

“well, he goes on to tell a pretty convincing narrative and to give a rather detailed description of the old man” “what was he wearing, a long black robe and carrying a scythe?” <- she is smirking at her own stupid joke and i love her soooo much

mulder has a pencil behind his ear…. yeah. i love him too. they’re a package deal <3

and a further plot twist: the campus security officer that picked the old man up ALSO died!!

i see that it is now boston autopsy time. and i just prepared myself a meal. okay. we must pause and eat before continuing.

mmm that was yummy.

RESUME!

there has been internal disagreement about if they should cut or saw the campus security guy's body? now what the hell does that mean 

he’s frozen!!! as if elsa got to him….

she says something was inserted in his ear, which was a thermometer. and he was found on campus.

well, boston is just like that. you don't get your dunkin one day and you freeze about it.

oooo, this officer would drink and drive on duty!!! this is not good. bad bad bad thing to do. but it was only 28 degrees last night! not cold enough for a guy to get drunk and freeze to death in such a dramatic fashion.

again. boston. it’s like that.

his body is getting colder somehow! that makes no sense.

i love when mulder asks for scully's medical opinion :) she thinks maybe he drank some chemicals!!

BLEAUGH mulder makes a joke about hoping he can keep the body frozen until thanksgiving... nasssssty 😭

this provides no answers on the jason situation. if anything, it only raises more questions. time to go ask him!!!!

jason seems to think that mulder is lying about the guy being frozen to death which is a presumptuous thing… what exactly would he gain from lying about that lmao

oh tea…. the reason the two of them were fighting that night was because lucas was going to say that jason’s research data was falsified!!! and they were competing for the same grant… for cryobiology!!!

OHHHH HE STUDIES FREEZING BODIES. this is not looking great for him.

(we also see jason's girlfriend very briefly which becomes important later. her name is lisa. i did not write it down in my original notes because i did not know she would become a major character in the episode)

scully calls while mulder is doing the questioning, and says she found jason’s thumbprint on the security guard’s uniform!!! oh man. again. not looking great for jason. but i don’t buy that the story is that straightforward.

scully is so pretty………….

cut to a hotel where a man named yonechi is trying to check in, but the receptionist is saying there is no reservation under that name!!! this is very unfortunate for dr. yonechi.

and who comes in but OLD MAN FROM BEFORE!!!!!!! he is giving yonechi a key and says he came on behalf of dr. jason nichols…..

who is this old man… and what does he want…? he looks sick!!!! 

yonechi invites old man in and he shuts the door to his hotel room…. omg something is gonna go down… 

he says he owes so much to yonechi. now what does that mean? did he use his research for something?

“you found a way to substitute water with a sugar- trehalose” (sobs in humanities) what does that MEAN???

HEY WHAT, OLD MAN PUT THAT NEEDLE AWAY. NOOOO NO AWAY. NOT INTO YONECHI. 

YONECHI IS FREEZING TO DEATH. 

(my original notes there were far less readable, just know that)

damn, that prop of frozen yonechi is crazy. scully is investigating and i’m contemplating how it was made!!!

she notices the injection mark… and mulder says he was at the hotel with a man in his 70’s when he arrived!!! the mythical old man that jason has spoken of proves to be real!

scully is showing mulder “a nuclear magnetic resident spectra” (YESSSS TALK THAT SCIENCE SCULLY 🔥 IDK WTF IT MEANS) 

yonechi was injected with… something. scully strongly suspects jason (AKA dr. nichols) did the killing, but mulder wants to talk to someone else….

the girlfriend, lisa!!! jason’s dating someone from his lab!!!??? that feels weird. is that unethical? is she his employee? hm.

scully shows her the nuclear magnetic resident spectra and she grows quiet. yeahhh they're onto youuuu!

“lisa, you can tell us now, or we can subpoena your testimony in court” <- DAMN scully said you will NOT be hiding evidence from me!

STOP SAYING SCIENCE WORDS I DON'T GET IT

okay, so the stuff that was shot in yonechi: it’s a rapid freezing agent. i get that. jason thinks that if you do it fast enough, you can unthaw whatever you freeze better. but he hasn’t been able to test it because it doesn’t exist yet!!! 

well. i think something changed.

oooooo look at the virtual chemical… so high tech… watch it rotate… yeah, baby that’s the stuff.

it would be impossible for him to engineer the non-existent chemical synthetically… BUT SOMEONE CLEARLY DID because they found it in that guy!!!

but!!!! lisa reveals that yonechi might not be dead!!! so they put him in a tub of slime and then try to revive him

scully announces that this will not work, because his body temperature was at 8 degrees, and the lowest body temperature a human ever survived was 70. i love that she knows that. it warms my heart. even if it doesn't warm dr. yonechi's.

blehhh, they put some stuff in his chest and then bring out the shocky machine…. and he starts to come back!!!! omg???

but he starts to fight the machine (what does that mean??), and his temperature gets WAYYYY too high, and he’s gasping and screaming and i feel myself growing faint….

(god that scene was NOT fun to watch. it was actually straight up horrible)

AND THEN HE CATCHES ON FIRE???????

wait, is this the episode where we get that one line…..

(sadly this was not the episode with the spontaneous combustion line i have seen in screenshots💔)

the only guess they have as to wtf made yonechi burn up is that whatever it was that was used to freeze him provoked an opposite reaction when they thawed him out

rip dr. yonechi :(

lisa goes to talk to jason…… what does he know!!!!!

old man is on the bus next to her. RUN GIRL. SPRINT. use your youth as an advantage. he’s going after her and i’m wondering how tf he knew that other guy was going to die?????

NO DON’T STOP TO LOOK AT TIE DYED SHIRTS. ahh she is seeing him follow her in the mirrors and not just merely shopping... very clever

lisa goes up a bunch of stairs, which is arguably the best move to escape an old man, but he is still pretty fast. 

she confronts him… and he says HE CAN KILL HER, TOO!!!

bro... i know grant money is hard to come by, but COME ON!! 

he busts out the freezy needle and says he came here to kill her… but he walks away. who tf is this guy??????

he bruised tf out of her arm when he grabbed her!!! rude!!!!

scully once again reminds lisa to STOP HIDING SHIT and she confesses to FALSIFYING THE DATA TO GET THE GRANT!!!! OHHH GIRL!!!!! this is not good. and jason is covering for her. 

and the people who could have figured that she did that out are now dead!!!

HOW BIG IS THIS FUCKING GRANT, BRO???

she swears that she doesn’t know the old guy and that jason wouldn’t either, but scully comes at her with “if he would lie for you, what makes you think he wouldn’t lie to you?” <- ohhh she ate her up there 

mulder does his thing where he says “scully?” and tilts his head a little, which means "we need to talk about this out of earshot of the person we're questioning" and i love it very much

ohhh, someone thinks they’ve spotted the old man!!!

(really hate that composite drawing of him they’re using as reference)

woahh, that shot descended from the ceiling as they arrived to his hotel room… it was really cool. but he is not here!!

“i’m not sure if ‘living’ is the word i’d use on this place” <- after that other line last episode i just KNOW she needs to be comfy and cozy, which i respect immensely. get scully a blanket right away. i need her in a mountain of pillows. STAT.

she finds yonechi’s flight written down in a notepad, and mulder finds a picture of yonechi, lisa, and jason!! they must have had an ice science groupchat or something

mulder seems to think this is a photo from the future??? and that if lucas hadn’t gotten hit by that bus, jason’s research being falsified would be exposed and he’d never get to work with dr. yonechi.

of course, this is baffling. and i have to rewatch the scene to get a better understanding on what he is saying

she has had enough of his shenanigans “and if your sister is your aunt and your mother married your uncle, you’d be your own grandpa” <- LMAO she said you NEED to start making sense!!

“okay, so this photo that was never taken, when was it never taken?” <- BAHAHA this has been added to my mental list of top scully one liners

he says it was taken at least 5 years in the future when the mystery substance was synthesized in the future…. and the old man came back from the future to fix the past!!

well. time travel isn’t something we have entertained on here before. so that’s new. not sure how i feel about it when there is already so much going on in this universe.

HE SAYS THE OLD MAN *IS* JASON?? and that is how he knew all of the things!!!

i guess it does make sense… if you think time travel could exist…

(she looks at him with great skepticism) “although common sense may rule out the possibility of time travel, the laws of quantum physics certainly do not. in case you forgot, that’s from your graduate thesis” <- she looks annoyed at this LMAOOOOOOOOOOO 

if someone quoted my thesis back to me in an argument we’d have to start kissing sloppy style right then and there.

so wait this complicates things. she did a graduate degree AND an MD?? bro, how many degrees was she collecting!!!!! how long did it take!!! HOW OLD IS SHE??? how can all of his have been accomplished??? 

you don’t write a thesis for an MD, and even if you did it wouldn’t be in physics… maybe she did like a 4+1 program? she was speedrunning grad school? can someone who knows what her degree history looks like PLEASE explain this to me.

ohhhh and she argues right back… “the limits of human endurance would prevent such a trip from ever happening” get his ass!!

(he can quote her thesis but not remember her birthday… what is with this man??)

he says to show the picture to lisa and ask where it was taken, which i suppose would answer that question as long as she doesn't frequently have people take her pictures, in which case it might be hard to recall

old man seems very sick as he stumbles back to his spartan hotel room…. perhaps time travel makes you ill? and that is the limit of human endurance she has described??

OAUGHHHHH HE IS INJECTING HIMSELF WITH SOMETHING OKAY HELLO. I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.

it seems to make him feel better. it makes me feel worse. but i suppose that is irrelevant.

gag gag gag gag. so he keeps internally freezing himself to feel better?

lisa comes in and asks “jason?” <- OHHH SHE CLOCKED HIM!!!! he says she made it possible!!!!

is this how we explore the multiverse in this world??? never thought we'd see the day. i mean, i guess weirder plot points have gone on than there being an x files multiverse, but i thought we had enough to deal with just on this planet, what with the murderers and ghosts and ghouls and all that

jason says she’ll meet a guy in ten years that has discovered “tachyons” (which is a real word, i assume, because my autocorrect fixed it for me) which are particles that can go back in time!!! but only for a few seconds and only at a temperature of absolute 0. 

the temperature thing seems very specific.

and then she’ll realize…. 

and he came back to kill her but couldn’t do it!!!! her hand is in his hand...

OH HE LIED!!! HE GOT HER!!!!!!!!! lisa is now FROZEN!!

while that is deeply sad, i am kinda glad he prevented time travel from happening in this universe. that would be a little too much.

mulder arranged for (young) jason’s bail to go show him lisa at the lab, and he straight up says right there that the old man they’re looking for is him. which had to be hard to hear

jason is being a dick as mulder tries to explain what happened…. he proposes that maybe his compound would allow for time travel by making people very cold and allow them to survive the temperatures of a wormhole. sure. i don't know enough about wormholes to dispute that.

jason seems to sober up a bit when he realizes that what happened to lisa is his fault in a sort of cosmic way, and not even mulder can come up with a witty response to that 

ooooooh, jason had to use a fingerprint scanner thingy to get into the lab, and it said he was already there!! a showdown of the jasons!!!!

mulder says please get to scully NOW as they’re trying to revive lisa and blehhh more needles stop with needles no needles please i ask so politely. scully is watching this go down and ordering her to put lisa back in the slime tub now!!!

scully you are so pretty…….

mulder is off to track down old jason, and i wonder if showing his FBI badge would really get him into all sorts of places such as this one, or if anyone would wonder if he was lying. anyway, the research assistant says that no one has come in. 

breaking lisa news: THEY RESUSCITATED HER!!! but jason wasn’t there!!!!

oh it really is jason vs jason time… who will win? the younger, inexperienced, but more sprightly jason? or the older and wiser jason with the weapon of freezing???

in the computer, all the files about jason were erased!!!! he is really trying to destroy his own work. mulder is running running running…

but young jason has found old jason! who is frantically typing. 

older jason's explanation of a world with time travel does sound pretty fucked up. but then young jason is beating up older jason trying to get lisa back. mulder arrives to say lisa is actually okay, and older jason stabs younger jason!!!

while mulder is trying to break through, the two jasons…. CATCH ON FIRE!!!

damn. mulder probably did not like to see that. i still consider his fear of fire canon. because i like it. i think it’s interesting.

scully is explaining to lisa, who is on a stretcher, how they saved her

scully is so sweet trying to explain she doesn’t know what was going on….. and has to tell lisa that jason is dead, and she is very sorry, but she’ll see her in the hospital 

mulder arrives!! he says they won’t find the second corpse- i guess that makes sense. if you die, i guess your alternate timeline self has to go with it.

oh my goodness, he's quoting her thesis again: “although multidimensionality suggests infinite outcomes in an infinite number of universes, each universe can produce only one outcome”

HE MEMORIZED THAT SHIT???

“i was 23 when i wrote that” oh my GOD SHE REALLY WAS SPEEDRUNNING DEGREES HUH???

so she must have done either a 4+1 or graduated undergrad in 3 years, 2 years for a masters, and then (insert however many years it takes to get an MD here)

no wonder she is so smart... damn, i love her.

so what implications does her proclamation on each universe having but one solution have?? will his compound and time travel eventually be discovered as scully’s thesis seems to predict??

cut to lisa at the computer… and thus ends our tale.

NOW WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.

so do we get time travel or not???

i actually liked this episode!! not the needles. but it was a super interesting concept and proved why we should probably not have time travel. something i already believed and now find myself agreeing with even harder.

it's kinda rare that i like an episode based off of its content rather than just the mulder-scully time the situation creates, so i'll give credit where credit is due.

i like to see scully be a smartass so this was a good day for me. AND that he has so much of her thesis MEMORIZED??? word for word???!! that is AMAZING. it really is like that though- sometimes you can quote a person's thesis rewriting einstein, but you cannot remember their birthday.

and maybe it was implied before, but i'm so happy to learn that scully got her masters when she was 23, and THEN went on to med school. that is the sort of information a fan like me needs to know to properly analyze a character, and it is fascinating! so she probably graduated early- either in undergrad or high school. and she got her masters in physics, right?! or something along those lines??

we forget how fucking smart she is because the narrative is skewed in mulder's favor with the whole "werewolves are real in this world" thing, but goddamn. she is really a genius who can tell you exactly how someone is dying and fix it, OR administer the death herself via her sharpshooting skills, AND gets stuck dealing with the bestie babble alien nonsense while she tries to figure out how to rationalize all of the universe's inexplicable phenomena through the lens of a scientist. AND she paid attention in catechism.

is she not one of THE best characters of all time???

[nalgenewhore]

so i actually went and read that article (grazie sophia christie on the cut). its flagrantly self-obsessed - she goes on for paragraphs about how she's just one of the smart girls who got picked up by a fully-formed man (then 30 to her then 23) while passing on badly disguised barbed 'pity' onto the now 20-year-old girls.

the reason for this pity is that they're currently teaching men how to live - how to grocery shop, how to move into an apartment, how to do laundry, etc. she pities them because "statistically, they will not end up" with their current boyfriends, and the next woman will benefit from this now fully-formed man while never knowing who came before her.

for someone who incessantly proclaims their intelligence (says if her classmates AT HARVARD were supposed to be smart girls, why aren't they out here getting with older men, oh btw did you pick up that she went to harvard? her ba in literature is from harvard university?), she can't see the painful irony of her own situation. her husband (not partner, gods- can you imagine being in a partnership with your significant other?!) magically appeared to her as a fully-formed grown man, and for whatever reason she does not divulge, he is the singular statistical outlier of all men -- no woman formed him! she is not living off some poor discarded girl's unappreciated labour right now!

this sentence in her last paragraph just prove my point: "Last week, we looked back at old photos and agreed we'd given each other our respective best years." Because you, unlike all those women you pity and the women in his life you oh-so-easily forget, didn't have to grow into who you are with someone. You said it yourself "At 20, I felt daunted by the project of becoming my ideal self, couldn't imagine doing it in tandem with somone, two raw lumps of clay trying to mold one another and only sullying things worse" (emphasis added). That project still daunts her, and she never reconciled with it. She just exported that burden to someone who had already done that work and knew what kind of person he wanted, so she became that person. She's a fraud.

go fuck yourself grazie sophia christie. ig that harvard literature ba isnt worth shit if you're such a self-deceiving author whose critical eye only ever turns outward.

[greensparty]

Nirvana Boston: Part 2 - ManRay

This year marks 35 years since the release of Nirvana’s debut album Bleach and it also marks 30 years since the passing of Nirvana leader Kurt Cobain. In honor of one of my Top 3 Favorite Musicians of All Time, I’ve begun a multi-part series Nirvana Boston, in which I’ll look at all of the concerts Nirvana did in Boston. Part 1 looked at their July 1989 show at Green Street Station.

The second installment of this series is their second MA show!

April 18, 1990 ManRay (Cambridge, MA)

ticket stub

Since the last time Nirvana played Boston guitarist Jason Everman parted ways with the band and they were back to being a trio: Kurt Cobain, Krist Novoselic and Chad Channing (who was in his final months with the band). The band had done a lot of touring for their debut album Bleach, which was released on Sub Pop the previous Summer. On this particular date, the band was back in town for a show at the Central Square club ManRay, which was known as a goth club at the time.

WFNX's Duane Bruce was one of the early supporters of Nirvana in the Northeast and he was playing some of their songs late night on his show Radio Free Boston. He was at ManRay to emcee the show. He hung out backstage with the band and WFNX's Kurt St. Thomas (another early supporter). According to Bruce (he's also the author of Hang the DJ and the host of the American Debauchery podcast where he has discussed his time with Nirvana), Kurt Cobain said "So you guys are from a commercial station, on the other side of the country, and you play our music?" as Cobain put his arm around Bruce's shoulder and said "That's a first."

There was also an interview the band did before the show. That video has since surfaced online.

Nirvana interview backstage at ManRay

There were about 75 people in attendance. Local band The Bags opened this show. Crispin Wood, guitarist for The Bags, recalls "We hung out during their soundcheck and they hung out during ours." He says "The dressing room area was in the basement of ManRay. Pretty big space. The guys in Nirvana were nice. We partied together. Krist was the friendliest of the three." In attendance was Sluggo, who hosted Nirvana the previous Summer when they played Green Street Station and was in the local band Hullabaloo (they actually appeared on some compilation albums with Nirvana including Hard to Believe: A Kiss Covers Compilation). During Nirvana's set, Kurt dumped a pitcher of water on Chad. Sluggo says "Chad never saw it coming. Poor guy. But I suppose at this point he was use to the abuse - i.e. all the times Kurt would launch himself at the drumset." They mostly played songs from Bleach, although they did preview some songs off of Nevermind released a year and a half later, including "Breed", "In Bloom" and "Stay Away".

Cobain and Novoselic at ManRay photo by JJ Gonson

Cobain at ManRay photo by JJ Gonson

Photographer JJ Gonson, who got some great photos of them crashing at her apartment after the Green Street Station show the previous year, returned to this show to get some pics.

Here is the video recording of the show from YouTube:

Up Next: Part 3 will explore their 1990 show at MIT.

[dribs-and-drabbles]

15 people, 15 questions

Thanks for tagging me @colourme-feral, @wen-kexing-apologist and @thegalwhorants! I wrote this at night on Christmas Eve but then tumblr ate the post when I moved it from my drafts to my queue, so I had to write the whole thing again...

1. Are you named after anyone?

No. My parents had a difficult time deciding on a name and just eventually landed on the one they gave me.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Well that depends on what kind of crying... I teared up last Wednesday when my furniture and belongings arrived from being in storage for 17 months. Tears rolled down my cheeks and my breath hitched a few times when I watched ep 6 Last Twilight (damn you Aof!) nearly two weeks ago. But the last time I ugly sobbed was whilst watching a musical in June, but I was feeling especially emotional about my temporary living situation at the time.

3. Do you have kids?

No.

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

I don't play any now (but I do go to the gym) but when I was a kid I did gymnastics and then dance (although that's not a sport). I played different sports in school but only because I had to and they weren't any I really enjoyed.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Sarcasm? Who, me?! Nooooooo never.

6. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Probably their posture or body language.

7. What's your eye colour?

To be honest I'm not sure. There's grey and bits of blue and green and even brown but I wouldn't be able to call it a colour. I used to say hazel but then I realised hazel was more brown than my eyes are so I don't really know.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Oh happy endings for sure. I mean, I'm on (this) tumblr because of the qls I watch so it should be obvious.

9. Any talents?

I can hold a handstand for 30 secs (I've also managed 1 min in the past but that was a while ago now) but that feels more like a party trick than a talent. I guess I could say dancing. Oh, maybe guessing the time usually quite accurately.

10. Where were you born?

In the UK, specifically England.

11. What are your hobbies?

Apart from going to the gym, handstanding and watching ql series? I'm currently obsessed with the clothes from the shows 😅...but I also like to go for walks, sometimes I play boardgames, and I like to read (I've been mainly reading fan fic recently though). I also think about lego a lot (and now I have my own place I might get some sets - bonsai tree my beloved) and I used to write but it's been a few years since I last wrote anything.

12. Do you have any pets?

No. I've had cats in the past and I'd like another cat at some point but not for a while.

13. How tall are you?

I'm not 🤭

14. What was your favourite subject in school?

I can't remember now but probably geography...but more geology than countries...or creative writing. There was a point where I enjoyed maths...but didn't study it beyond 16.

15. What is your dream job?

I'd actually like to be able to not work, or to only work part time. I've been lucky to have actually had my dream job and I'm very grateful for the opportunity/experience.

So that's it! I guess I should tag 15 people since that's the title of this game, so here goes: @grapejuicegay @telomeke (I know you've been tagged a few times) @respectthepetty (I know you've done it already but I wanted to tag you anyway) @celestial-sapphicss @dimplesandfierceeyes @chickenstrangers @wen-kexing-apologist (I know you've already done it as well but leaving this tag here anyway) @waitmyturtles @lurkingshan @my-rose-tinted-glasses @slayerkitty @ranchthoughts @belladonna-and-the-sweetpeas @btwinlines @starryalpacasstuff No pressure obviously. (bonus tag for @absolutebl because I like it when you answer these kinds of things using only photos /gifs)

[emarasmoak]

Rollacoaster catches up with face of Halbrand and The Lord Of The Rings: The Rings Of Power, Charlie Vickers

Shedding the mystery of his character, The Lord Of The Rings: The Rings Of Power's Charlie Vickers talks on playing Halbrand, the pressures of his craft and what can we expect next from the Middle Earth star.

Nice interview with some great photos 🔥😍

This year’s hotly-anticipated return to Middle Earth saw a staggering quarter of a million viewers settle in for an Orc-infested ride into all things mythical, with 30-year-old actor, Charlie Vickers, leading the foray. Introducing Hollywood’s newest name, assuming the role of Halbrand, the lost king of the fictional Southlands.

After several auditions – seven, to be exact – and months perfecting the Middle Earth common tongue, the Australian actor wasted no time in syphoning the armour of the cunning character. Vickers might be worlds apart from Halbrand’s machiavellian self (spoiler alert: later to be revealed as Sauron), it’s not Vickers’ first rodeo fabricated a character far from his day-to-day life, playing Guglielmo Pazzi in Medici: Masters of Florence as well as Dan in Palm Beach. Sizing up a plentiful roster, the rising star reflects on the pressure that came with signing onto the major movie franchise and setting his heights high for what comes next.

CATY PENZA: Before we start talking about all things Lord of the Rings, can you tell us a little bit about how you got into acting? What has your journey been like?

CHARLIE VICKERS: I never really considered acting as a possibility at first because I didn’t believe it would be a successful career for me. It wasn't until a couple of years into me studying at university that I realised maybe I could have a go at acting because I didn’t feel any passion towards what I was doing. So I flew to Sydney and auditioned for a drama school and got selected. That’s kind of where everything started unfolding.

CP: Growing up, were there any actors you looked up to?

CV: I was in Melbourne and I went to see a production of Richard III and the leading actor was Ewen Leslie. I definitely look up to him, even though I’ve never actually met him, but his performance was a real catalyst for my career. I’d love to tell him that one day.

CP: Hopefully he reads this interview and finds out!

CV: Yes! That would be incredible.

CP: You play Halbrand in The Lord Of The Rings: The Rings Of Power, how did you come about getting cast for the role?

CV: It was a long audition process for me. I auditioned maybe six or seven times over a period of six months. I originally auditioned for another character three times, and then got moved to audition for Halbrand. It was a long process, I even flew to Spain to test shoot with J.A. Bayona, who directs the first two episodes. It was a pretty amazing day and it was the last piece of the puzzle to getting the role.

CP: What was it like switching into the Halbrand persona? Did you have to do or think about anything in particular?

CV: I spent a lot of time researching source material. Because he’s an original character, I wanted Halbrand to fit into that world and make sure he had all the talking elements. Halbrand is also very different to me, so I had to tap into things that I wasn’t necessarily used to tapping into. It was so interesting watching the show and seeing that difference.

CP: What was your reaction like when you saw the show for the first time?

CV: It was pretty amazing. We saw it for the first time as a cast in Los Angeles, with a screening of the first three episodes. It was so overwhelming and incredible to see the scope of the show and all my friends performing.

CP: Given The Lord Of The Rings’ hugely loyal fandom, were you at any point nervous about taking on a role in this spinoff show?

CV: Obviously there is a huge amount of pressure and expectations that come with being a part of a world that is so important to so many people, but that’s almost a good thing. Signing onto the show though, there was no hesitation. I didn’t know the full ins and outs of what I was signing onto, but there was still no doubt I wanted to be a part of it.

CP: And how has your life changed since the show’s release?

CV: I don’t go out into very busy settings that much, but, the few times I have been, I have been recognised and everyone has been very kind so I guess in that sense it has changed. But besides that, I tend to lead a quiet life so it hasn’t changed that much.

CP: Speaking of which, what does an average day in the life of Charlie Vickers look like?

CV: My work days and my days off are very different. On a work day, I’ll be picked up very early in the morning and I’ll film all day. But on a day off, I need sleep. Minimum nine hours. I do some exercise when I get up, have lunch and then just sit at my laptop and do some work. I also spend some time with friends and family and if I’m by the coast I’ll also go for a surf, but if I’m in London then I just try and do something fun for the day.

CP: You definitely cannot surf in London.

CV: There is a wave pool I think! But right now it’s limited, yeah.

CP: Where do you envision yourself as an actor in 10 years time?

CV: Working on a project of this magnitude has been amazing, but it’s also given me the desire to work on things completely different in the future. Smaller projects, like independent films or mini-series. I always look for new adventures in my work and I’m open to them in whatever form they may come.

CP: Finally, is anything else currently in the works?

CV: I filmed a mini-series in Australia based on the novel by Holly Ringland titled The Lost Flowers of Alice Hart. It’s a story about female resilience and generational trauma. I play the father. It’s a spectacular story and it will hopefully come out next year.

[animeniacss]

So Close Yet So Far - Mingyu x Reader - Chapter 14 - So Close

Synopsis: Your college friend, Kim Mingyu, has had a grip on your heart since the first day you met. Over the past few years, as you acquired more friendships and memories, those feelings only grew. However, recently, Mingyu has seemed a bit more distant, at least when it comes to any ideas of romance. It only gets worse when rumors fly that he's off to Japan to receive a marriage proposal! Unsure what to do, you wonder how you can keep Mingyu by your side without jeopardizing your friendship or your growing feelings. You never expected that waking up one drunken morning next to two hot angels would be your ticket into Mingyu's heart.

Genre: Romance, College!AU, Modern Fantasy, Comedy, Angsty

Length: approx. 6.9k words

Chapter 14 - So Close

            He has to confess to you or tell someone he’s not in a contract with that he’s an angel. He hasn’t done that yet, but since his feelings are so intense…

You felt your cheeks heat up at the memory. That entire conversation - the entire night - replayed in your mind like a bad movie that you couldn’t turn off. It was later in the evening, as with the feeling of a brush running through your locks, you should be feeling things other than guilt and nerves. Minnie, as always, was helping you get ready for dinner. You looked at yourself in the mirror as Minnie brushed your hair back. “What are you guys planning for dinner?” You asked, hoping the change of subject would help quell your growing thoughts.

“Mingyu had tons of really good meat and fish brought to the house, and a chef is going to cook everything.” She grinned. “It’ll be delicious.” Minnie then shook you a bit. “But don’t worry about us, tonight is about you and Mingyu getting all lovey-dovey!”

Her excitement made you smile a bit. “I feel kind of bad that we’re going out alone without everyone else.” You said.

“Don’t. Mingyu said when he asked everyone they were all for it.”

You pursed your lips together. Maybe you forgot about one negative memory, but another popped right into your head. Mina pointing her flash phone at you both, a sad look on her face as she promised to take photos. “Even Mina?”

You saw your friend frown from your view in the mirror. “Why do you care about Mina?” She asked. “She’s actively trying to get Mingyu for herself.”

“I thought we got along pretty well this weekend. She even helped Mingyu decorate.”

“She wants to play the role of the nice girl so she can swoop in and snag him the first chance she gets. But she backed herself into a corner by helping Mingyu. He’s totally going to confess his love to you tonight.” You felt your ears turn hot as Minnie squealed behind you, shaking your shoulder. “Oh, it’s going to be amazing. I wish I could see it.”

“Stop, you don’t know that will happen.” You said. “He’s just being nice.”

“All I got on my birthday from Mingyu was a nice plant for my apartment. I didn’t get a weekend getaway with a private dinner reservation.” You smiled at the comment as Minnie finished your hair.

“To be fair it is a nice plant.”

“It’s the only one I’ve ever had the hasn’t died because I think it would crush Mingyu’s heart.” She laughed. “There. Perfect.” You admired the little curls she put through your hair for a moment, pressing them together with your finger only to let them freely bounce upon release. “I’ll leave you to get ready, okay? It’s almost 7:30.” You watched as Minnie exited the room, leaving you to settle into your red dress from your first date. You grabbed it off the rack, looking at yourself in the mirror with a smile. You could already see the night you first wore this, the fun you both had together over dinner. The idea that it was happening again made your heart soar. You were quick to start changing, wanting enough time to hype yourself up.

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

Mingyu was fixing his tie in the mirror as he waited for you downstairs. Seungkwan and Hoshi were already out back, drinking and chatting with Woozi, who had much been better at integrating himself into the group. Mingyu put his hand in his pocket, where a hard, thin box brushing over his fingers. It made him smile, confident for the night ahead. He turned around, fixing his suit jacket when he saw Mina approach him. Mingyu blinked.

“Mina.” He said, before smiling. “Thank you for all of your help this weekend. It turned out better than I thought.”

Mina didn’t seem to find joy in the compliment. “Your father told me before I arrived that you were going to take me out to dinner this weekend.” Mingyu frowned, his father’s request immediately crashing into his brain like a train that lost its breaks. “I didn’t want to be pushy because it’s your friends birthday. But tomorrow’s our last day here and-.”

“Mina,” Mingyu said. “I’m sorry. I told you already that I have no intention of starting anything with you.” Mina took a shaky breath as Mingyu continued. “If I did, it would just be me lying to you and you don’t deserve that as much as I don’t. I thought you coming here was proof that was over.”

“Yes, but.” Mina sighed.

“You’re not my type,” Mingyu added simply.

“Then what is!?” Mina asked. The stamp against the floor her shoe made startled Mingyu as it echoed through the living room. “I can be that. I will be that. You deserve that.”

Mingyu smiled a bit. “Thanks, that’s sweet.” He said. “But I don’t expect you to change anything for me. I’m not one to lead women on, either. If I’ve done that at any point since you’ve arrived in Korea-.” Mingyu offered Mina a deep bow, and her eyes widened. “I’m sorry. Truly.” Mina felt her throat close a bit, and she wiped her eyes.

“Your father won’t be happy. He’ll be upset.” Mingyu, once again, had to smile.

“Don’t use my father like that.” He said, gentle in his request. “You don’t strike me as that type of person.” Without another word, he gently moved past her and went towards the back porch, sliding it open. As Mina heard the other boys cheer for Mingyu and admire his appearance, she rubbed her arms, sniffling. She tried desperately to wipe her eyes. She looked down at her bag, which was slung over her shoulder despite being inside. As she took the Sakura keychain into her hands, she remembered the gentle face Mingyu had as she gave it to her.

Thank you for being so cool with all of this. I hope we can be friends going forward.

“I’ve backed myself into a corner,” Mina whispered to herself, sinking onto the couch. She wiped her eyes and sniffled. Gripping the keychain in her hand, she felt a sharper side of the metal pinch into her skin. “I have tonight to make this right.”

She pulled out her phone, immediately pulling up the many photos she had taken of the weekend thus far. She had to do it, she needed to. If she didn’t, what was the point of wasting an entire semester in another country? But it would be worth it, right?

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

You were smoothing out your dress when there was a knock at your door. You grabbed your earrings, hurrying over to open it. “Coming.” You called. As you slipped one earring into your ear, you opened it to reveal Joshua and Jeonghan. “Oh! Hi.” You smiled. “You’re not downstairs cooking?”

“We were,” Joshua said. Immediately, their hands raised, a small pink bag spitting up tissue paper gripped in their hands. “May we?”

“Wh- What’s this?” you asked. As the duo slid in, the closed the door behind them.

“It’s your birthday,” Joshua said. “What does someone get on their birthday?”

“Gifts.” Jeonghan grinned. You felt your heart skip a bit as they motioned the bag towards you.

“What? You guys didn’t have to get me anything!” You gasped, taking the bag into your hands.

Jeonghan looked offended. “Of course, we did! You think we wouldn’t?”

“Hoshi said we weren’t doing presents until later, though.” You said. “When Mingyu and I got home.”

“Well, we had to make sure we got our present to you first,” Joshua said simply. “It will overshadow Mingyu’s, and we need to make sure he knows that.” You chuckled a bit. Jeonghan reached out, nudging the gift a bit like a cat.

“Open it,” he said. You sat on the bed, setting the little bag on your lap and removing the tissue paper. You lifted it up, seeing a little box inside. When you looked over at them, they were stunned by your wide eyes.

“Guys this looks like a ring box.” You said. “What are you-?” The duo laughed in amusement. Despite the past few days, Joshua found himself more amused than anything.

“All of our plans for eloping on the island have been a bust.” Jeonghan looked at Joshua, both jutting their lower lips in a dramatic pout. “It’s not that. Just open it.” You did just that; opening the box to see a little pin inside. You blinked as you reached down to touch it. The silver pin was designed to resemble that of angel wings, folded together. The way they were folded resembled a little heart that encircled the wings. When you looked up at them again, you couldn’t contain your smile.

“This is so cute.” You breathed out, looking back down at it. “Wow.” Both of the angels sat on either side of you, also taking a second to lean in and look at their gift once again.

“When we first learned it was your birthday, we went out and bought it,” Joshua said. He reached over and pulled it from the box, handing it to you.

“Don’t just think of it as a birthday gift,” Jeonghan said simply. “You’re helping us go home. Probably sooner than we thought if all goes well tonight.”

“Which is well.” Joshua made sure to say quickly. You watched him take your hand, placing the pin inside. “This is just our way of saying thank you.”

You held the little pin in your hands, before looking to Joshua. “You sure that you’re okay after everything, right?” Joshua nodded.

“I’m perfectly fine.” He said. “I never doubted for a second I’d go home.”

“I kind of did when you fainted yesterday.” Jeonghan made sure to say. You laughed a bit as Joshua shot daggers at Jeonghan. “What?”

“You’re ruining the moment, Yoon Jeonghan.” He sneered. You felt your eyes water, but you quickly shook your head.

“I can’t cry, Minnie just did my make-up. But now I don’t want you guys to go.” You sniffled. You immediately set the pin back into the box, before setting both it and the bag down onto the floor. You stretched both your arms around the men’s shoulders, pulling them into a little huddle-like hug that suited how you were all sitting. “I cannot believe that I thought you two were annoying stalkers at first.”

“And robbers,” Jeonghan added.

“And scammers.” Joshua grinned. You nodded.

“Thank you both for everything.” You said. “Hopefully, tonight goes well.”

“It will,” Joshua said, nodding his head. “How can it not? Mingyu’s done everything to tell you how he feels already other than actually saying it.” You nodded, dabbing under your eyes just a bit to make sure to catch any tears trying to escape before you left. Standing up, you took the bag, setting it on the little vanity. Once your hands were free, you spun around to look at the duo one more time.

“How do I look?” you asked.

The duo shared a look, before looking you over one more time and smiling. “Angelic.” They said in unison.

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

Mingyu had moved with his friends from the back porch to the front, drinks in hand as they waited for you. Mina had retreated to her room after their talk, and while Mingyu felt a bit bad, he couldn’t let it take over the night that he wanted to make perfect. He had to make it perfect. He took another sip of his drink- which had to be water since he was driving - as the front door opened. When he looked over, he saw Joshua and Jeonghan standing in front of you, only allowing little parts of your outfit to show. Mingyu smiled.

“It looks like they’re her parents taking her to her first dance.” Seungkwan nudged Hoshi, and they both began snickering.

“We need to take a family picture.” Hoshi agreed, clapping his hands as the duo laughed. “They’re about to interrogate the new boyfriend.”

“Knock it off,” Mingyu said to them, though he was also amused. You finally pushed past the duo, obviously now a bit flustered.

“Come on guys, cut the dramatics. It’s only dinner.” You said. You looked up at Mingyu, smiling. “Ready?”

“Absolutely, Birthday girl.” He said, offering his arm. You took it as the porch filled with the ‘ooooo’s of borderline-drunk individuals. Mingyu led you to the car that was waiting out by the front.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Hoshi called as he leaned over the railing to see you off. Mingyu laughed, covering his mouth.

“That’s not a lot of options left, Hyung.” He called back. Hoshi, already a few drinks in, looked at Woozi and Seungkwan.

“Should I be insulted?” he asked, and the duo only laughed. Jeonghan and Joshua watched Mingyu hold the car door open for you.

“Good job, opening the door!” Joshua called, and Mingyu looked over. He looked unamused, meanwhile, you were snickering in the passenger’s seat. “Pull her chair out at the restaurant too!”

“I’m gonna kill you both!” Mingyu simply called out before slipping into the car, closing the door, and heading off down the street in a matter of minutes. Jeonghan looked over at Joshua, who pressed his chin in his hands as he watched the car drift from view.

“Are you okay?” Jeonghan asked. Joshua glanced over, nodding his head.

“Yeah.” He assured. This time, he actually believed it.

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

The drive at first, was pretty quiet, both of you just allowing the radio to fill the silence. As Mingyu lowered the volume during a commercial, he looked at you.

“I hope you’ve had fun this weekend.”

“I have. I’m sad it’s ending so soon.”

“I know. But we can always come back here. Whenever we want.” You smiled a bit, nodding your head at the thought of future weekend trips here with Mingyu. Friends included? That you had no idea about, but either way, the idea excited you.

You pursed your lips together, finally glancing over at the tall man in the driver’s seat as you took a chance to talk. “Do you remember freshman orientation?”

“Which part? When you looked too terrified to speak to me or when Seungkwan twisted his foot dancing violently to trot music?” You laughed as the memory came flooding back to you.

“I was absolutely not too scared to speak to you.”

“You looked like a deer in headlights every time I spoke to you.” You pouted, crossing your arms as you tried to remember that day, freshman year, two years prior.

The sound of your name turned your head, and a man sat beside you. On his shirt sat a name tag: Kim Mingyu. You seemed stunned, eighteen, and eyes filled with fear of being in a new environment away from your family and away from your town. However, the gentle eyes that stared at you made you feel a bit at ease. Just a bit. “I read your name off the tag.” He pointed to his own in reference.

“Oh.”

“Are you okay? You look nervous.” You turned to the handful of seniors they had organizing this bonding event as they tried to get everyone’s attention. They were mostly half-drunk themselves, slurring their words and talking horrifically loud into the microphone. The screech caused you to cover your ears.

“I don’t think they’re supposed to be drinking.” You said, looking at Mingyu. Mingyu smiled.

“They’re not.” He said. “Campus conduct prohibits alcohol on campus for any reason, even for the staff. Promotes bad habits.”

“You must study law.” Mingyu grinned at your observation. “Nobody else memorizes the campus conduct book so quickly, if at all.”

“My father told me I should learn it.”

“Did your father go to school here?”

“Yeah.” You pursed your lips, leaning closer to Mingyu which only caused his amused smile to widen. “What?” he asked.

“Is your father Mr. Kim? The one who is always here for those big event fundraisers?” Mingyu nodded.

“The very same. It’s because of his donations we can have those, so he likes to come see them when he gets the chance.” You nodded, finally leaning back and giving him space. Mingyu looked back over to the interactions between seniors and nervous freshmen happening. “Should we join them?” You shook your head.

“Not yet.” You said, and Mingyu chuckled.

As the night went on, Mingyu and you stuck together like magnets, attracting the spunky Minnie and the energetic Seungkwan as you did so. The four of you banded together that night, hoping to make it through the rest of these bonding events alive, or at least with your dignity intact. Seungkwan failed that last part when he fell on his leg and twisted it a mid-dance battle, but you were still good.

As the both of you sat beside Seungkwan, who was lying on his back with ice on his foot, you looked at Mingyu one more time. He was passing Seungkwan water, which he thanked him for happily. When he turned back to you, his arm outstretched in your direction as well. Looking down, you were greeted with a water bottle.

“Isn’t that yours?” you asked curiously, glancing up at him. Mingyu shrugged.

“Take it. Consider it a gift.” He said.

You hesitated, but when Mingyu nudged it in your direction once again. Reaching your hand out, you took the cool bottle into your hands. “So, you’re rich, kind, funny, and generous?” you asked, making Mingyu look over in your direction. He seemed flustered by the comment, but he didn’t respond. “You’re just asking me to fall in love with you, huh?”

Now Mingyu had to laugh as his cheeks tinted pink. He looked over at you. “I guess I wouldn’t complain.”

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

As you returned to the car ride, you realized your cheeks were hot as you recalled that last statement. I still can’t believe I said that with my entire chest. You thought to yourself. When you felt Mingyu slow the car down, you looked over to see yet another magnificent building. This building overlooked the water, with a large patio wrapped around the sides and back to allow people to admire the crashing waves under beautiful lights and gentle music. Mingyu opened the door and helped you to your feet while you stared in awe. “This might even be better than the Italian restaurant.” Mingyu chuckled a bit.

“The food here is amazing.” He said. Tossing his keys to a valet, he thanked the man before leading you inside. He guided you by keeping his hand on the small of your back, which felt like little bolts of lightning every time his finger just slightly pressed against you. He opened the door and the two of you stepped in, allowing you to take in the interior which was just as beautiful as the exterior. High-vaulted ceilings held dangling chandeliers, and marble floors were sparkling so bright under your feet that as your heels clacked along them, you could see your reflection. The waiter led you both to a seat outside, looking over the water. “Here,” Mingyu said, quickly pulling out your chair and motioning for you to sit. “Joshua might hit me if I don’t.” he grinned.

“Nah.” You laughed, settling yourself in and putting your bag under the table, nestled between your legs. As Mingyu sat across from you, your eyes immediately turned to the ocean. “Wow. The view of the ocean is even nicer from here.”

“Yeah.” He said. You saw him shift a bit in his seat, smiling. “I hope you like it,” he said. “It’s the last big thing I had planned for your birthday.”

“It’s already incredible.” You said. After a moment, you turned to Mingyu, seeing him loosen the one button he had done on his suit as he looked down at the menu, lips pursed together as he tried to find what he wanted for the night. You leaned forward. “Mingyu.” You said, making him look up. “…Can I ask why you chose to do all of this for me?”

“What do you mean?” he smiled. “It’s your birthday.”

“I know. I’m grateful. I just feel a bit spoiled.”

“Everyone should be spoiled on their birthday.”

“Your birthday was in April.” You said. “We didn’t do all of this for you.”

Mingyu shrugged. “I don’t need all of those things.”

“Do I?” You asked. Mingyu furrowed his brows, confused by the question.

“Of course, you do.” He said gently. “Well, maybe not need, but definitely ‘deserve’.”

“What makes me so different from everyone else?” You asked softly, cheeks pink as you anticipated the answer, his last comment already leaving a warm tingling feeling in your cheeks and through your neck.

Mingyu seemed unfazed by your question, though his cheeks did start to match yours in hue. “Not different.” He began. “Special.” You smiled a bit, sitting back in your seat as you tried to calm your beating heart. “I wouldn’t have gotten you a nice gift if I didn’t want to spoil you,” Mingyu said. You looked up at him, one word hitting your goddamn Pavlov.

“Oh?” you asked, smiling. Mingyu laughed a bit at your reaction.

“You look like a kid on Christmas.” He said, leaning forward. “Did you think I didn’t get you a birthday gift or something?”

“Well, no.” you stammered, face becoming flush with embarrassment. Before you could finish your statement, the waiter approached to take your order, and you let out a sigh of relief. When both of your orders were placed, Mingyu looked at you again.

“…Go on.” He said. When you only offered him a confused expression, he grinned. “Why do you look so shocked when I mention your birthday gift?”

“Ohhh. No reason. I thought we were doing gifts tonight with everyone.” Mingyu shook his head.

“They are. I’m not.” He said.

“Well, then what is it?” you asked. Mingyu laughed as you leaned your head to each side of the table, looking for anything that resembled a present on either of his sides. Mingyu laughed a bit.

“You can’t wait?” he asked. You grinned at him as you sat upright again.

“I need to see if it’s as nice as you claim.” Your attempt at teasing made Mingyu’s mouth fall agape just a bit.

“Wow.” He gasped. He watched you cover your mouth as you attempted to hold back your laugh a bit, given your surroundings. He leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. “You’ll get it. And it’ll be worth it. I didn’t give you anything when I came home from Japan after all.” When he saw your laugh quickly fade, your hand dropping to reveal a stunned expression, he smiled. It was almost sad. “I’m sorry.”

“W-why are you sorry?” you asked.

“I didn’t realize what it was at first that had upset you. It took me some time, but Joshua had kind of yelled it at me without actually yelling it.” you frowned a bit. “But I’m glad he did. I didn’t know how much I hurt you by not bringing you anything.”

“But I didn’t ask. You have no obligation to bring me anything ever.” You said. “It’s not like you do for anyone else. We’re not dating, Mingyu.” That last part caused Mingyu to go quiet, and you immediately regretted it. However, Mingyu reached a hand across the table, leaving his palm open and within reaching distance for you to put your own. You stared down at him for a second, only to see his hand retract and take the base of the wine glass instead. He studied the contents inside for a quiet moment as if they would guide him in his next few words. When his eyes fell back to you, he smiled.

“Do you know why I always bring something home for you whenever I go somewhere?” he asked.

You shook your head. “I just thought it was you being nice.” Mingyu nodded.

“Yeah. It is.” He said. Digging into his pocket, he pulled out a box. It was thin, velvet black, and without even looking inside, you could feel its worth from across the table. You looked up at him. “I always give you a gift when I come back because I think it will give me confidence to tell you something really important.” You blinked. “But every single time, I lost the confidence. You get so excited about the trip, wanting me to tell you about it, that I panic and lose my chance before I can even do it.” Mingyu pushed the gift box towards you, tapping it a bit. “This was supposed to be what I brought home to you. When I went to get it, they said it would take time to make. When I found out it would be ready by your birthday, I felt it was a sign.” You stared at the box quietly for a moment. “But still, I should have told you instead of keeping it a secret, especially once I knew that you felt I had forgotten. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Was all you could breathe out. Mingyu pushed the box even closer to you before you finally took it into your hands. “I didn’t want to be pushy and ask. I didn’t think it was my place.” Mingyu smiled.

“If you really can’t wait, open it,” Mingyu said. You nodded, clicking open the little handle and flipping open the top of the box. If Joshua and Jeonghan’s beautiful pin left you teary-eyed, this left you speechless. Inside the box was a stunning necklace, made of the purest silver. The little chains looping together within themselves held what looked to be little cherry blossom pendants scattered through it. In the center was a beautiful pink heart pendant, slightly bigger than the rest of them. “Flip it.” His voice was almost eager. When you did, you saw your name, followed by your birthday and the year, engraved on the back.

“Oh…oh my God.” You gasped. Finally, you allowed your fingers to really touch the necklace, picking it up in your hands. The moonlight only allowed the silver to shine more. “This is stunning.” When you heard the chair across from you get pushed out, you looked up. Mingyu walked over, gently taking the necklace from you. He quickly unhooked it, making an adorably determined face as he tried to do so, before stepping behind you.

“May I?” He asked.

“Sure.” You turned your head to look straight, before feeling Mingyu reach his hands around, laying the necklace gently on your collarbones. You felt it tug a bit as he pulled the ends together, using one finger to gently brush some strands of hair out of the way. You could only rest your hand on the little pink pendant in the middle, your hand shaking.

“I couldn’t take you to the cherry blossoms this year. So, I figured I would bring some of the blossoms back to Korea for you.” He said softly. The minute those words hit your ears, you felt your eyes well up with the tears you tried so desperately to keep away from Joshua and Jeonghan. However, now, after half a term of stressing yourself out over things that never mattered in the first place, as well as feeling the cool silver of the necklace adorning your neck, they couldn’t hold themselves back anymore. You wiped your eyes, nodding your head. When a sniffle accidentally escaped your mouth, you covered it.

Mingyu immediately knelt down at your side, eyes wide. “Hey. What’s wrong? Are you okay?” he asked. You watched him scramble for a napkin, handing it to you. “I’m sorry. Was that so cheesy it made you cry?” You had to laugh a bit behind the tears, shaking your head.

“No. It was so sweet.” You said, dabbing your eyes a bit. However, you sniffled. “I’m just really happy. This is such a nice gift.” Mingyu could hear people around them staring at the man on one knee looking up at the crying woman. His eyes immediately widened. “I don’t feel like I even deserve it. It must have been so expensive….”

Mingyu reached out and took your hands into his, offering a reassuring squeeze. “Of course, you deserve it…” he said gently. “…But please, stop crying. People might think I’m proposing.” He begged, getting close to your face to whisper the request. You covered your mouth with the napkin this time to hold back your laughter, shaking your head. When you finally dabbed your eyes for the last time, Mingyu allowed himself to stand up. “Are you okay?”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw people go back to their meals, confused as to what just happened at their table. “Yeah.” You stood up, smoothing out your skirt. “I’m going to wash my face.” Mingyu nodded, leaning back in his seat as he watched you head back inside, heading to the bathroom. When he saw you were out of his sight, he grinned to himself, leaning forward and covering his mouth with his hand in the hope of hiding his enormous grin.

Dinner after that was pretty normal. You both ate and chatted as you normally would, talking about the memories you had all made together throughout the weekend. By the time dinner came around, Mingyu looked at you.

“Dessert?” he asked. You nodded eagerly, and Mingyu followed suit. “Glad to see we’re on the same page, then.” He turned his head, lifting his hand to get the waiter's attention. When the man approached, he seemed to already have something in his hands. “Can we get-.”

“This is from the table over there.” The waiter said. You watched as the plate, which had a little vanilla cake on it. It was topped with two little sparklers that were just about to fizzle out, and decorated with little chocolates. On the plate was ‘Congratulations!” written in English and in chocolate sauce. You both looked up at the waiter, and he smiled, before setting two forks down and walking to the next table. You both looked over to see a middle-aged couple waving to you, the man giving Mingyu a thumbs up. You both waved back, nodding your head.

“Thank you.” You both said, before looking back at the cake. Mingyu covered his mouth. “Oh God, they really did think we got engaged.” You grinned, looking at Mingyu as his eyes darted from the cake back up to you.

“Free dessert.” You both said, grabbing a fork and immediately reaching forward to take a bite of the cake. You hummed in delight at the sweet sensation in your mouth, immediately going in for another bite. “Delicious.” You mumbled, covering your mouth to hide an embarrassed giggle. Mingyu grinned as he watched you.

“The best part about people thinking we got engaged.” He muttered. After a few seconds of chewing, you looked up at Mingyu, pointing your cake-covered fork in his direction.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Is that such a bad thing, being engaged to me?” you asked playfully. Mingyu shook his head.

“Well, no. Of course, not,” he said. “But at least let me confess my feelings properly before we talk about marriage, okay?” Your hand, which held a fork in it, froze in place for a second. You watched as Mingyu reached forward, sticking his fork into the cake and taking a bite himself. “Mmm. This is good.”

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

Mingyu’s words during dessert sat in your mind. You chose to stay quiet as you both drove back to the house, allowing the music to once again act as a silence filler. You looked over at him, only to see him driving with his hands tapping the wheel to the beat of the song playing on the radio. His lips were moving to match the lyrics, but no sound was coming out.

“I’ve never heard this song.” You piped up, and Mingyu glanced at you.

“My dad listens to this music a lot.” He said simply.

“You two must be close.” You said. Mingyu shrugged.

“I guess. He can be a bit strict but…I don’t think we’ve ever really disagreed.”

“That’s good.” You smiled. “I don’t think I’ve ever properly met him. Only in passing the few times I came by.”

“I can introduce you. If you want me to.” You shrugged, nodding at the idea. It was something that was far off in the future. What would your relationship with Mingyu look like when that time came? The house was coming into view, Mingyu slowed to a stop in the driveway and turned off his car. You rested your back against the passenger’s seat of the car, looking out the window. You knew once the car door opened and the lights illuminated the car, your night with Mingyu would be over. The free dessert was one thing, and the necklace was a show-stopping addition to the night. But…there was something else you were hoping for. When you looked at Mingyu, you saw him staring straight ahead, tugging his tie a bit. He seemed to be thinking of something based on the serious look on his face. You leaned forward a bit, the movement catching his attention.

“So, what are you waiting for?” you asked.

“Hm?” Mingyu asked, looking over in your direction for a second. “What do you mean?”

All of the courage you have ever had in your body at one time bubbled to the surface in this moment. “When are you going to confess to me properly?” Mingyu went quiet for a minute. Despite your heart threatening to beat out of your chest at any moment, you kept your gaze on him firmly. You put your hands on the necklace, gently cradling the pink heart pendant in the middle. “You didn’t do it after you gave me the present. I don’t want you to lose your confidence this time.”

Mingyu settled back in the seat of his car. The light above threatened to dim again due to the idle car, but Mingyu clicked it on permanently. You watched him turn himself in your direction, and you were quick to do the same. Mingyu seemed shaky when he said your name, and it made your breath hitch. “I told you this weekend would be for your birthday. But it was also for something that…might be a bit more selfish, too.” He pressed his fingers together. You mimicked him, and his nervous smile softened when he caught it. “Ahem. Uhm….y’know. Stuff like how much I value our friendship and you as a person and…” he saw your lips continue to curl in amusement. “And well…I always knew I wanted to use this moment to tell you that-.”

“I love you.” You allowed the words to come out along with his, in perfect harmony with one another as they entangled within the confines of the car. Mingyu blinked, watching as you let out a deep breath. “Fuck, I’ve been waiting forever to say that.” You breathed.

Mingyu laughed a bit. “Me too.” He said. Mingyu still seemed a bit nervous, wiping his hands on his pants as he looked at you. “Can I uhm…” he bit his lip. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes.” Spilled from your lips faster than you may have liked, in fear of looking desperate. Mingyu smiled a bit at how flustered you were, though he couldn’t comment, feeling his heart beating out of his chest. With a wave of temporary confidence, Mingyu took a second to brush some hair that had fallen in front of your face. Your heart was beating in your ears as you scooted a bit over in your seat. When you felt his hand lift slightly from your cheek after removing the hair, your hand immediately pressed on top of it, holding it in place. The action stunned Mingyu, but you only smiled nervously. “...Your hands warm,” you muttered.

“Ah.” Mingyu chuckled. His fingers splayed along your skin, leaving trails of warmth and tingling each place his fingers grazed. You let out a deep sigh. No summer night’s warmth would ever again match this feeling. Mingyu chewed on his lower lip as he leaned closer. He pressed one little peck onto your lips, before pulling away to study your expression. When he saw how red your face was, a cherry tomato freshly picked off the vine, he smiled.

You chuckled a bit. “Come on,” you said softly. “You’ve made me wait two years for that?”

The second kiss wasn’t long, but Lord was it passionate. Two years of waiting were thrown into that kiss. The little divider between the passenger and driver’s seat didn’t bother you as it pressed into your stomach, the desire to be as close to Mingyu in this moment ultimately canceling out any other feelings. Mingyu’s other hand found its way to your other cheek, thumb grazing your skin once again. You pulled away for just a second, the both of you taking that temporary moment to remind yourselves that you had to breathe. The little nervous squeak that escaped your lips when Mingyu’s thumb once again grazed against your skin made him giggle.

“What the hell was that?” he asked, his voice low and husky as the breath from each word tickled your lips.

“Shut up.” You mumbled. Mingyu smiled, and finally pulled himself back fully, hands slipping through yours and off your face. You saw his cheeks tinted pink as he covered his mouth, resting his elbows against the steering wheel. You leaned back in your seat, covering your mouth, but making sure that your palms didn’t touch your lips, fearing it would smear the memory you wanted to hold onto just a bit longer.

“Let’s go inside.” He finally forced out. You nodded, watching as Mingyu stepped out first. He headed around the front of the car, your eyes glued to him as he rounded to your side, opening your door and offering your hand. You took it, stepped out of the car and looking back up at him. Before the car door even closed, Mingyu leaned down and planted one more kiss on your lips. You didn’t refuse at all, instead getting on your tiptoes to return it. Mingyu’s hand steadied you by wrapping around and holding the small of your back. When you pulled away this time, Mingyu laughed nervously.

“Sorry. I didn’t ask that time.” He said softly. You could again feel his breath tickle your lips, and you shuddered at that thrilling sensation it sent through your body.

“You didn’t have to.” You assured. Mingyu laughed a bit. He finally released you, allowing you to lower onto your feet once again. He made sure your door was closed before offering his arm to you.

“Shall we?” he asked. You nodded, taking it with a smile.

As the two of you headed towards the steps of the house, a figure was watching from the balcony on the second floor. Mina set her phone down, staring at the photo of the two of you now displayed on her camera. She had stepped out from her room when she heard the car stop, and what sounded like very muffled chatter. By the time she had stepped onto the balcony, you and Mingyu had already locked lips for the second time. Mina felt her fists ball up at her sides, and she covered her mouth to hide that she was out there in the first place. She stood in silence in the cool summer air as you and Mingyu headed inside, and Mina could hear everyone who was still awake welcoming them back. Mina immediately headed back to her room.

“I messed up.” She mumbled to herself, tugging her hair in a ponytail. She walked down the hallway, passing Joshua on the way to her room. He stopped, turning his attention to Mina. Her pace was quick, phone gripped tightly in her hands. When he glanced at it, he could only make out parts of the photo still displayed on the screen. He watched as she slid into her bedroom, closing the door behind her. Immediately, she sat on her bed, looking down at the photo, as well as the many others she had taken of the duo. She taped a few buttons on her phone, sending the photos before pressing it to her ear. I’m sorry. She thought to herself through tears. I can’t play nice anymore. I’ll lose him at this rate.

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

Back in Seoul, Mr. Kim had set his phone down. He let a deep sigh into his hands, running one of them through his slightly greying hair.

“Oh, Mingyu.” He said, looking down at a photo he had of him and his son during his freshman orientation two years prior. The duo was grinning, happy in the photo, the name of the school hung proudly behind them. His eyes then fell to his phone, where the photo of you and Mingyu kissing and staring at one another beside Mingyu’s car was displayed. “I give you an inch, and you always find a way to take the entire mile.”

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[sokkas-therapist]

@zukkaweek Day 7: Divorced Zukka/Proposal/Enemies to Lovers

Hello hello! For the final day of Zukka week I decided to combine the proposal and divorced zukka prompts to write this sweet sweet engagement (kind of?) pain…and you know I had to find a way to stick Izumi in there too! Anyway, enjoy! ⬇️

Sokka and Zuko have been together for a long time, and Kanna is really sick so Sokka has to leave and go South indefinitely. The problem is, because of Zuko’s job he isn’t able to go with him. They’re at a point where they’re in a very committed relationship and they’ve toyed with the idea of marriage and they only see themselves with one another for the rest of their lives, but never made any serious plans. So, before Sokka leaves he gives Zuko a promise ring. He knows they’re cliché, and stupid, and pointless, and childish…but it means a lot to them. Like Sokka promising that no matter what happens, no matter what the world looks like or demands of him while they’re apart, he promises to come back to him. And they will be ok and happy and together, and one day after he gets back they’ll get married. <3

You know the drill, plot plot plot the world keeps pulling them in opposite directions and they end up breaking up and never get married like they planned to. The pain??? Both of them feeling so alone and always keeping the promise rings as a reminder of what could’ve, should’ve been??? Them still loving each other but thinking the other doesn’t feel the same way so they never reach out??? Seeing each other 10, 20, 30 years later and seeing that the other still wears their promise ring and it sparking a bit of hope that the other still feels the same way, but being to afraid to say anything and ruin the fragile friendship/bond that they’ve began to forge again, so they end up parting again without talking about what happened??? The possibilities are endless and painful and I’m living for it

(For some extra pain for those who are interested, I added Izumi into this trainwreck under too)⬇️

@ablueeyedarcher on the new Zukka discord had the glorious headcanon that Sokka gives Zuko his bone(I think??) necklace as a promise. This one would follow the same general path of the outline I wrote above: They break up because they have to, and the responsibilities they both hold to the world are pulling them in opposite directions, and despite how much they love each other they know that there’s no realistic and safe way for them to be together, but Sokka gives Zuko his necklace as a promise that one day…one day they will be able to live together in peace, and that no matter what side of the world they’re on they’ll always have this to connect them back to each other. But as time goes on it gets harder and harder and eventually they cut things off *and it hurts so bad.* Zuko offers Sokka’s necklace back to him but Sokk tells him he can keep it. For a while he continues to wear it under high neckline robes, but eventually he keeps it in a little drawer under his dest. Years later after Zuko gets Izumi and she’s old enough to talk and get into things, she finds the necklace and asks him about it….I can’t decide what he would say in response. Would he be honest, and tell her his story of love and loss? Or would he simply say that he’ll explain it when she older or that it means nothing anymore?

Or, oh my Gosh I think I love this one the most: would Izumi never tell him that she found it, and would she eventually see old photos of her Dad and his friends and realize that the necklace she found in his drawer when she was little belongs to Sokka, and would she steal it from Zuko to give back to Sokka (she either thought he lost it or that Zuko was being mean and took it). She is so proud of herself for her little secret plan, judging by how old the photos are it must have been a her a decade since he’s sees seen his necklace! And he’s wearing it in all of the photos that she could find, so it must have been very important to him, and he will be very happy to have it back! When she finally does see Sokka again, she triumphantly presents the “lost” necklace to him. But she’s shocked that instead of seeing Sokka’s excitement at having his necklace back, he just looks….crushed. He asks her if Zuko told her to give it back. She tells him no, and that she found it and decided to give it back all on her own (if her father had kept it from him for that long why would he have asked her to give it back??). to more of her surprise, this answer seems to lift a weight off his shoulder. He tells the young girl that she should not go snooping around her father’s things, that it’s not nice, but he does ask her where she found it (assuming it was amongst some untouched boxes in an attic or something rather) and can not believe it when she tells him that the necklace was sitting in the top drawer of Zuko’s desk in his office. Sokka is extremely touched and somewhat confused, but thanks her for her good intentions of returning the necklace to him and stuffs it in his pocket for later.

Later that night, Sokka catches Zuko alone and shows him that his daughter brought him his necklace back. Zuko is immediately embarrassed and starts apologizing, Sokka stops him and tells him that he just thinks it’s sweet that he’d kept the old thing for this long. So yeah, this conversation would be what finally makes them talk about what happened and how they still feel about one another

and if you’d like…eventually leads to them healing and getting back together to finish what they started, a.k.a. Getting married (like 15 years late but better late than never)

Ok that’s all if you stuck through the end thank you for listening to my thoughts!! I hope everyone had an amazing Zukka Week!!