#the passive urge to die. the passive desire to pass control over their life and sense of self

[impossible-rat-babies]

it definitely takes eyrie a few years to process it/come to terms w it, but their joining w the garleans wasn’t as much about hoping the garleans would leave their home alone as it was a way for them to run away. it was an excuse. they lost a daughter, and their marriage had fallen apart. their brother hated them, and their sisters and mother treated them with love and care, but always at arms length. so if they left and joined the garleans, they could convince themself they were doing something noble, and that if they died then it was protecting what they loved. at worst, it got them out of the way of everyone who loved them, and if they died then it wouldn’t make a difference. they would be presumed dead or by abandoning their home, they wouldn’t be welcomed back and considered dead. Regardless everyone could move on with their lives and get over their absence

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #1

1. The backbone to my emotions

As someone who  cannot conceptualise  time in any way whatsoever, I want to say sorry to my loved ones. I'm aware I still need to send my friends messages every once in a while and remind them I still want to be their friends and I need to actively work on this. I need to overcome this fear stopping me from being present and accepting peoples love and support. I want to break free from me and I want to feel content being on this earth, I want nothing more than to enjoy experiences with my loved ones. I love you I love you.

I am a young charismatic, creative individual learning to do things differently so I don't always have the same outcomes. I suffer from a Cluster B Personality Disorder; under the same umbrella of mental health I also experience extremely intrusive thoughts on a daily basis, that can become obsessive and compulsively hyper fixated thoughts in an instant. I have anxiety, depression and a lot of the time I’m deeply dissociated to a point where I struggle to believe I’m even real, even when I do know I am real- I have no attachment to my limbs or body as a whole and only feel alive in a spiritual sense or when I self harm. I don't want to get too into my illnesses; as I’m not someone who really likes labels, just know that everyday is a battle and each personality that exists within me is different. I wouldn't say drastically, however its evident for me and living with so many different masks can be intense. Especially when you've tried to convince people that you're just one solid mould in the hopes they don't perceive you as an intense person. I am going to try to take you through a few of my altars and moods starting with the emptiest subconscious alters that I call the backbones of my emotions to the more powerful  energetic ones that haven't managed to yet consume me over the years. I hope this can give people an insight.

Overall I present a pretty confident front, I like to appear like I’ve got my life together even though I’m so far from it, sometimes I’m not sure ill even find the strength to go on long enough in attempt to get my life together, which is a real problem but it's the sad truth. Don't waste time reading this if you're easily triggered as this piece of writing will consist of real and genuine feelings. I’m in no attempt trying to create content for people who enjoy turning blind eyes and wishing they didn’t see this so I’ll give you a fair warning. I'm not responsible for your triggers, whereas I’m responsible for the things I’ve done. I might have cared too much at one point, but I will not hold myself captive to those situations nor will I regret them. I want the lies, deceit and hurt that I’ve committed against loved ones to end, my secrecy has done enough damage and its exhausting pushing people away even though that’s not usually the intent, truth is I am so embarrassed of myself. I'm private, secretive and mysterious but I’ll also talk about my childhood trauma after like 5 minutes. I guess this says I’m happy to talk about my trauma because it's what I know and am comfortable with, I just struggle to tell anyone the real suicidal me behind my problems. I hate that I’m so young and feel like a dead person already.

I tend to act out or distance myself due to fear which isn’t clear at first if you know me, but does become obvious. I might appear as someone with no care in the world, like I’m unbothered, but I assure you that's the African pride combined with the Leo pride. I also don't want people to treat me like a footstool, which has happened when I’ve come off ass too passive. I care so much and over think absolutely everything, it's literally my only way of thinking. I have little to no self esteem and I have no clue who confidence is unless under the influence of something, be it weed, alcohol or psychedelics (which I don't take much of because I enjoy them and don't want to abuse them) I mean I can function sober, I don't even like to be out of control high or drunk, but as Chief Keef once said, I hate being sober. #i'mTrash4thereference. Although I’m not fully healed and functioning yet, I’m a developed character with both positive and negative traits. At the moment I’m going back and fourth between 'just stop trying' and 'you cant give up'. Sometimes depression is kind of like looking at yourself through a window, there’s this part of your brain that understands it'll pass, but you’re so far into despair that its impossible to see the way out, its a lot like being trapped. I am having a bad patch right now, the difference between this one and the last one is I’m more self aware with less of a desire to go on. At least I’m no longer suffering from paranoia and thinking everyone's out to get me all the time or that I’ll get trafficked walking home from somewhere, but depression and mania are so bloody invasive and there’s always that little voice in my head telling me ill never be good enough. Executive dysfunction kills my motivation because I have so many things to do and I cant pick anything to start first, it gets worse when my depression gets worse too. I'm not lonely though; I have a few people who care for me- and while I'm trying to not involve them in the metal episode, they are around to talk to and that means so much. My friends are super encouraging even though I've only briefly mentioned that I'm having a sad time right now, and that's awesome.

I hate that no matter how much better I get there's still this deep desire to get worse. I don't feel like a real person. I just feel like a collection of what people want me to be and various mental disorders. It would be so cool if I could admit to the world I have a personality disorder without feeling disgusting and without fear.

I've had plenty time to reflect upon every bit of thought that created the barbed wire surrounding my logical brain, I want to feel okay to be alive, but I so strongly just want to die. I am tired of fluctuating from feeling extremely vigorously suicidal to passively suicidal; where I just don't have the energy to carry it out myself. It's gotten way past the point that it doesn't matter what kind of day I have, I think about killing myself all day. Sleep is an escape from life and I'm always tired and wanting to 'sleep'. Deep down I feel like I’m waiting for the right time to end my life and it's not the right time yet because I still have a footprint to leave behind, I still have journal pages I want to burn. I cant just jump off the highest accessible building or mall car park I could find just yet- I don’t just want to ruin others by hurting them with my death. It's sad to think I grew into this mindset, waking up wishing I was dead.

Being abandoned by many people in the past made me doubt people and think everyone was out to get me or wanted something from me, it made me feel hurt and lone. So I felt it would be better to let people down before they could hurt me so I wouldn't repeat the same cycle when forming new connections. It wasn't intentional but I could just silence myself due to fear.

I just found myself feeling immensely hopeless, like I was too internally enraged at the external world to be able to trust anything of it. I definitely do want to get better because I’m tired of feeling this way, it's so exhausting and I hate pushing people away from me like I’m poison. I need to allow people to accept all of me.

Before picking up these coping mechanisms when I was younger and more insecure; I wanted to be a part of the world, I had this strong urge to fit in. I had to learn how to manage my anxiety and socialising became more exhausting stemming from my fear of being 'odd' or 'different', I didn’t want to be called out for being different- it was not a compliment at that age, it always felt like a being the joker in the card deck. I was intensely afraid of being judged or labelled as such. Being told I was a 'weirdo' didn't help at all, that type of criticism is what got to me the most. People made me feel like I needed to change, like I was too African, even in a joking manner it didn't help- because although I was okay with who I was, I did feel like I had to change and westernise myself to fit in. I ended up hanging around with people that didn't care, doing stupid things I didn’t even want to do, dating people I didn't connect with. Eventually I got tired of people using me for entertainment, tired of catering to those who refused to understand. I still have to admit there were many periods that I lowered my frequency to be on the wavelength of others that did not match mines at all, I hate that I'm someone who always feels the need to explain myself so people don't think I'm a bad person and even though I don't owe it to everyone and now I am able to make better choices and I'm no longer easily influenced, it still hurts that i was ever around people that made me feel like I was over exaggerating my mental health or uncomfortable to a point where I learned to downplay it or the mention of it. Now as a coping mechanism I’ve become so facetious and sarcastic about my trauma it's a struggle to take myself seriously at times. Users and abusers belittled me to such a point where I felt they'd underestimated my intelligence and most of all humiliated me. It made me tired of justifying myself so now most days I’m just a mute, but I really do finally have good people in my life who deserve some sort of explanation and it's a shame they don't get to be experience a truly present consistent me. It’s just after having the wrong eyes on me, I don’t want anything to see me. I hate attention because I’m so embarrassed of myself I don’t want to be noticed. People looking at me make me want to kill myself.

I've been told to move past my rage, to let go and become a grounded and level headed person. I've been told there is hope for all of us. Must be nice to believe that, all I could wonder was what it was like to get angry without getting homicidal and suicidal. Even on most days where nothing extreme would happen besides negative emotions, my brain still travelled to a dark realm. I've come to a point where I want to live in my daydream universe wile I physically rot away. That's my business. Sometimes I feel as though all my friendships are on a timer, or more so it's that my timer is about to go off, so I subconsciously shy away and make sure i have no deep friendships. Just in case my head decides to do something stupid.

I don't want to have no friends, I want to have friends and I do value friendships so much more than entitled relationships, I just have a difficulty maintaining friendships because it's exhausting for me, it takes a lot of energy to be social and on a level that isn't just superficial where I can just let go and allow myself to fully be. Sometimes I have a hard time relating to other people, and thus I may feel I don’t belong or don’t quite fit in- causing me to feel irritated, paranoid or even in pain during social situations. It's not always this bad, and I don't mean for it to sound dramatic. It's different when In person and I’m really relaxed and comfortable with the company. However virtually socialising and expressing will always be extremely anxiety enducing and its something I need to overcome especially going into this new phase of Artificial Intelligence.  So if I start to drift away it most likely isn't a reflection of you. The cycle goes I need alone time to recharge then I realise how long has passed and I just feel so bad I haven’t gotten back, I tell myself I’m an awful friend for dissociating for so long, and then I don’t know how to explain that so my anxiety rises, mood drops and I spiral back into a pit of depression, often wanting to relapse but refraining from doing so. Sometimes I manage to get out of the pit, but by then so much has piled up I don't know where or how to begin again.

I don't feel like I could have a normal friendship as well as romantic relationship. It's hard for me to long term imagine myself being fully relaxed enough to let my guard down and not reluctant to express. I don’t think there’s any condition where ill just be came and enjoy a connection without worrying that the other person isn’t putting in as much effort, or they have an image of me, or that I’ve amplified the emotions and even though I feel them that way do they really understand me or love me as much. Silence is so upsetting and I hate the fact I do it when I'm afraid of myself or don't feel good enough. I never intent for it to become 'the silent treatment' because in reality its not treating anyone, it's more a reflection of what I’m internalizing and not wanting or being unable to project and express those feelings without feeling like party pooper, an attention seeker or 'too deep'. I don't mean to give people false hope, I love the people in my life so much and every one I’ve met on this journey. I'm learning to look at life through a different lens and the people who contributed to my suffering will not be the definition of me. People have led me to believe so much and strung me along, not letting me go- and I realised those entitled controlling abusive relationships were not serving me. I couldn't keep doing it. Now even though I want closeness I end up pushing people away or leaving them in the dark because of fear, especially of something new because I've never experienced anything good and true for a long enough duration of time to rid me of that fear. I also have fear of rejection or hurting, I fear becoming too emotionally invested and becoming co dependant so I end up wanting to avoid the pain than actually wanting to experience the joy and growth the relationship could offer, so I end it before it begins to avoid any possible pain. I feel like I don't deserve these connections,and sometimes the depression runs so deep I have to push people away in case I want to do something stupid- I don’t want them to feel at fault, or obligated to be able to handle me. Sometimes I really can just only be with myself and my thoughts so I hide but it may appear that I’m pushing others away because of my isolation and neglect.

With everyone I know, I get this feeling that they're too good for me, their energy is so radiant and loving but I feel so broken and don’t want to depend on that. I've had perfectly ideal people come into my life and I feel they’re too good for me because I have a lot of work to do on myself first, primarily I need to build up confidence and self esteem because it's the root of most my issues. I want to relate to people, share our deepest fears and wishes without fear of judgement. It's not that I don't want to get better, I simply cannot remember what it was like to have an actual honest to god normal personality. The feeling of being a mentally unstable chameleon is all I have  now. I AM my illness, that's the only identifier I have left. I can't remember normality.

I understand that I’m lucky and I’m not ungrateful for the things and people I do have, it doesn’t mean that my life doesn’t suck because of those lucky things. I often think about if someone created technology to transfer life to another, I’d happily give them mine because they'd live it much better than me, I’m not worth anything to myself. I never wanted to be someone to cause pain on the people I love but now I do, even if that’s just through silence. I just disappear when I haven’t been doing well and  although I know things get better, recovery isn’t linear and that not all my days are bad, I just have extreme chronic feelings of emptiness.

I struggle to trust people because I don't want to be hurt but I need people so much, I hate feeling unloved. It's so overwhelming because I feel everything so extremely as if I’m going to explode.

My sense of self and reality feels destroyed, my future and dreams are uncertain and it's hard for me to move on, sometimes it scares me what I’m doing to people without the intention of it, being too much or not enough- or at least feeling that way. It's hard for me to give myself a reason and it's not on the people around me to fill my empty void, I hate forcing people to be my friend or understand my illness. I cant expect anyone to want to- it feels like I’m holding their hand while they pull it away; and even though it's not the case I feel awful, I constantly feel like I’m in a more pessimistic head space. I'm worried people will realise I'm as pathetic as I say I am.

[saint-severian]

Dune - Chapter 1

Worldbuilding presents a challenge for fiction-writers whose worlds go beyond the familiar. The problem is this: how to flesh out a fictional universe with realistically deep and realized background and details without constantly dumping information on the reader as if in a textbook. Although it would be hard to say that Herbert totally avoids this kind of long-form description, he does gracefully justify it. We, the readers, learn in the first chapter about the political intricacies of the universe of Dune because those intricacies are directly relevant to our protagonist right from the outset. Paul Atreides, our guy, is an elite. His parents are elites, and everyone he interacts with in the introductory is an elite in their respective field. His existence is centered, with no ambiguity to him or us, around his future career as a political elite. But he is not a politician, and though, as we will see, his father has to take on a role comparable to a politician, this is quietly a distasteful necessity, an offense to what Paul would call his “sense of rightness”. More on that later. 

The Atreides family are not elected politicians. They are aristocrats, who, as we learn in the second paragraph of the text, have lived in “Castle Caladan”, which takes its name from the planet itself, for twenty-six generations. Paul’s ancestors have ruled over an entire planet for more than five centuries. He’s old money. And despite the fact that we learn later that his House is not great by the standards of the galactic Imperium to which it belongs, his father, Leto Atreides, is a widely popular man among the other elites. In this one fact much of the plot is derived. First, we realize that Paul is not the hero of a rags-to-riches story. He is not an underdog, not a challenger in the grand scheme of things. Just the opposite- he is a fifteen-year-old boy who is placed and prepped to become an extremely powerful man. As we will learn, it is more than his external environment that puts him in this position. The second implication of the high status or popularity of his family is that, as Herbert says, “a popular man arouses the jealousy of the powerful”. The jealousy of the powerful for Paul’s family will put in effect events that determine Paul’s fate and the fate of the human race. 

Under the (assumed) pretext of the Duke Leto Atreides’ rising popularity and competence, he is assigned a new charge. The ‘Padishah’ Emperor (a word meaning “lord of kings”) has chosen Duke Leto, his feudal vassal, to govern a poor, provincial planet in his name. The planet, called Arrakis, is known for two things: it is extremely harsh for human life, being a world entirely of desert, and it is the sole source of a precious resource that is required across the Imperium for everything from space travel to life-extension. This important substance, “mélange”, is usually called simply “spice”, and much of Dune will revolve around it. Already the obvious real-world parallel must be observed: the precious resource required universally in the gigantic economy which is found in a poor desert country - it’s a metaphor for oil, of course, and Arrakis, the desert planet, is a stand-in for the Middle East, and its primitive and Islamic-influenced inhabitants, the Fremen, represent the wilder elements of the Arab world. Not to waste any time - yes, this parallel is legitimate and not at all a secret. But Dune is not an allegory for one particular time and place. It is, like all myth and fiction, applicable to many times and many places. 

Although we do not yet know exactly why, a strange woman who is regarded highly by Paul’s mother Jessica, has come to visit Paul and administer a brief test. The test lasts only seconds, perhaps more than a few minutes, but Paul’s life is in the balance - if he fails the test, he will die. Knowing this, his mother nonetheless consents. Paul is assured that she passed the same test long ago, and just before she leaves the room, Jessica tells her son to “Remember you’re a duke’s son”. We quickly see the relevance of this reminder when the nature of the test is revealed. The old woman tells Paul that she is testing him for humanity as he is threatened with a weapon that kills only animals, a “gom jabbar”. Paul is disgusted that she would suggest he - the son of a duke, as his mother just reminded him - would be subhuman. I’ve always loved her response to his outrage: “Let us say that I suggest you may be human”. 

Upon my first reading, I interpreted the fact that the tiny, needle-like gom jabbar was poisoned with a substance that was lethal only to the subhuman. This is not the case - it’s not the blade itself that is lethal only to animals, but instead the weapon would only be used on an animal, because only an animal would fail the test and receive the punishment of the poisoned blade. And what is the test? Simple: delayed gratification. Put your hand in a box and don’t pull it out, even while the box gives you excruciating pain. If you fail the test and pull out your hand, you will be stabbed and poisoned and immediately die. Control your urges and pass/live, or give in to your instincts and fail/die. Already we’re on a great track: Herbert has, in the first chapter of his book asserted that not all humans are human, that some are just animals, and that the real dividing line between these two is self-control. This judgement does not bode so well for the innately uninhibited members of the sapient population. Herbert declares, through the mouth of the representative of the Bene Gesserit sisterhood, that those who are incapable of restraint are subhuman. Let’s take a look at this fascinatingly fascist matriarchy of manipulators. 

Old Gaius Helen Mohaim, the old crone in question, tells us after Paul passes his test with flying colors that her sisterhood is a surviving descendant of a series of “schools” that were founded a very long time ago, after an event that left humanity without the use of “thinking machines”, and thus with a lot of responsibility on our hands to make up for the absence of what had become the crutch of computers. Here is another key concept of the Dune universe - the idea that computers (and many other things) are crutches that allow human beings not to think or act for themselves, but instead to rely upon external systems and tools that do their work for them, and as a result leave them vulnerable for “other men with machines” to make slaves out of them. 

Although there is another, apparently all-male school that focuses on “pure mathematics” (an autistic and male pursuit), the Bene Gesserits’ focus is politics, as Paul surmises on “remarkably few clues”. He had to guess that the Sisterhood’s business was politics, despite the fact that he is a political elite, his mother is a member of the Sisterhood, and she had been training him in their ways. The strategy of the BG is covert manipulation of political elites (this should conjure up a list of real-world parallels) ... by, for example, assignment of a sister to become the consort of a duke and the mother of his child, for example. They are an all-female sect that engages in a feminine form of politics, a passive form of politics based around manipulation and deceit. The fact that they are a purely feminine organization in their essence and substance justifies their desire for a masculine version of their power, hopefully a masculine element they can control like anyone else. This masculine version of the Bene Gesserit is called the Kwisatz Haderach, the “one who can be in many places at once”. While the Bene Gesserit can access the “feminine avenues” of their ancestry via blood memory, they can only access their feminine ancestors. The males, and by extension the male perspective, is forever closed to them. But not to the Kwisatz Haderach. The real biological link to these concepts are that, while women have an XX chromosome, and are thus entirely female, men have XY, and are really only half ‘pure male’. Males have something females don’t, but not the other way around. Although males have the capacity to be passive, and thus to take on the aspect of the Bene Gesserit, whose existence is passive despite its great importance and power, they are also endowed with the active element, forbidden to the feminine. This pure male essence is not only unknowable to the female/BG, it is terrifying to them. 

In this several myths are invoked. First there is the Dionysian image of the male leader surrounded by female sycophants in the Kwisatz Haderach as the male apotheosis of the Bene Gesserit coven. Second there are the various themes of the Great Goddess of the feminine, and the conquering aspect of the masculine, embodied in the myth of Apollo among many others. Notably missing from the story so far is a snake motif- an element central to the Apollo myth and to Great Goddess figures everywhere. But there will be, so look out for it. 

However, many are called but few are chosen to become the Kwisatz Haderach. And, although Paul has passed the first test, those who try to fulfill this role and fail are not forgiven. 

[graysons-lobotomy]

“The Universal Advices and The Urge to Be Kind; An Interpretation”

Understand that life is not kind and it is unfair and it is unjust and it allows anything.

Be very kind.

Seek to understand The Source, The Creator, and The Creation Mechanisms.

These are, as listed, the composers, the staff, and the notes and chords of The Natural Way.

The Natural Way is The Song of All Things.

It could also be, as listed and if preferred, the paint, pallets and brushes, the artist, and the painting.

Do your best not to confuse the song for the artist or it’s notes; likewise the painting for the painter or it’s paints and brushes.

Learn as much as you can about all things.

Be kind.

When you are unkind promptly be kind again.

Seek forgiveness.

Be as kind as you can be.

Focus on what is morally right more than what is wrong, and what is factually correct more than what is incorrect in the deeds, speech, and perceptions of yourself and others.

Do so especially when the dark seems to outweigh the light, when involved in conversation and/or cooperation with the mentally ill, mentally disabled, severely unintelligent, criminally inclined, or otherwise disturbed; and in dealing with yourself if you happen to fall into any of those categories.

Be kind.

Be honest with yourself about yourself.

Be honest with yourself and others about all things.

Be kind.

Take “there is a time and place for everything.” as an objective truth.

Do more good than bad.

Be kind.

Resist obsession.

Recognize perfect thinking and perfection of action for being arbitrary and fundamentally illusionary.

Be kind.

Be cool.

Take it easy.

Have compassion, patience, and empathy.

Be kind.

Do things that are purposeless.

Have fun.

Have a sense of humor.

Do not ever resist or look poorly upon true laughter from yourself or others.

Seek to find something funny in all horrors and tragedies however big and impactful or small and inconsequential. It makes the world a brighter place.

Laugh and laugh hard.

Be kind.

Teach children to know what is morally right and factually correct, when they are very young, and to detect and respond to wrongness and misinformation. Seek to help anyone that does not understand these things, at any age.

Be very authentic.

Act according to your understanding.

Seek to increase and improve your understanding.

Seek to improve yourself in every aspect.

Be kind.

Be a natural person.

Be imperfect.

Be incorrect.

Be humble.

If you must pretend, or if you pretend for fun, pretend on the surface.

Never pretend on the inside.

Be kind.

Do not harm others in any way except in self defense.

If you find yourself to be harming someone or something, unintentionally or with purpose, in a state of offense, stop immediately.

Be kind.

Do what is right.

Be proud of what you have accomplished if it is good.

Do not be proud of being born different than others in any way; for so is everyone born different from all others in many ways.

Do not be proud of your bad deeds.

Do not compare yourself to others.

Always seek to be better today than you were yesterday.

Be kind.

Be honest and responsible for your mistakes and bad deeds, to yourself and others.

Be creative and allow for the possibility that your mistakes will have a positive affect.

See the creativity in destruction and the destruction in creativity.

Do not feel guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed.

Be a better person at anytime.

Be kind.

Work smart. Be efficient.

Also work very hard, until you think you cannot work any harder, and then work harder still.

Relax thoroughly and do it often.

Be kind.

Think critically, even in your dreams.

Listen.

Listen to others.

Listen to your body.

Listen to your conscience.

Listen to The Song of All Things.

Listen to things that you don’t want to hear.

Feel that same list.

Feel things.

Feel things you don’t want to feel.

Be kind.

Raise your tolerance the three pains: Physical, Mental, and Spiritual pain.

Never intentionally damage the organs and senses that allow you to experience and perceive these pains in any way.

Do things that hurt.

Don’t hurt yourself.

Never harm yourself in a way that you cannot heal yourself from.

You cannot escape.

You can free yourself and you may find release and you may be released.

Seek this and enjoy it.

Be kind.

Be realistic.

Overcome phobias.

Meditate on your biggest and realest fears. Realize that they are very possible.

Same is true for your wildest and most wholesome of desires.

Be kind.

Always be ready for anything. Be ready and prepared to experience great amounts of suffering.

Be ready for your life to change for the better.

Be kind.

Realize that you can imagine anything.

Be ready to die at any moment.

Be kind.

Resist wrongful death, needless harm, and chaos with every bit of strength that you have.

Be kind.

Do not be overly rigid, systematic, or orderly.

Practice and train every day.

Be kind.

Never stop analyzing the reality of the situation you are in.

Explore perspectives.

Change your mind as often as necessary.

Experience poverty.

Be abundant and prosperous.

Be angry, dysphoric, confused, and viscerally afraid.

Be content, euphoric, understanding, and confident.

Pay attention to the mind and how it influences the body and vis versa.

Be kind.

Hold that which fills your soul to be sacred.

Do not allow yourself to be filled falsely with materials or badness.

Be willing to sacrifice all other things at any time.

Be kind.

Never expect notice.

Good and bad things,

big and small, occur without warning.

Always be cognizant of warnings that do exist they are of great use.

Be kind.

Try doing new things regularly.

Focus more on what you are good at.

Take time to do nothing.

Attempt to stop thinking.

Be kind.

Have friends when you are young and when you are old.

Choose them wisely.

Be kind to them.

Understand and Know that there are many things that are not and cannot be known or understood.

Understand and Know that there are things that are known and understood.

Understand and Know that there are many thing not yet known or understood, and that some unknowns can and will be known and understood at some point.

Never assume about which of these three categories it is that things fall into.

Wait and see.

Be kind.

Visualize what you are going to do and make it good.

Do not hesitate.

Be kind.

Ask many questions.

Expect few answers.

Educate yourself.

Be kind.

Accept help.

Accept love.

Depend on no one.

In emotion, task, or finance.

Your responsibility to dependent people is to help them be independent.

Likewise when you are dependent understand that responsibility is the same, towards you, for those around you.

Be kind.

Know that, ultimately, you will not succeed.

Know that you will not be finished.

Know that you will make progress.

Realize that you affect your environment and others on a constant basis by existing.

Make an effort to leave things better than you found them.

Be kind.

Take care of animals.

Be friends with animals.

Never pass by a living creature in need of help if you are able to help.

Be kind to all living things.

Be aware of dangers and act cautiously.

Be reasonable.

Be kind.

Compromise with others.

Compromise with yourself when you feel torn.

You cannot compromise with The Source, The Creator, The Creation Mechanisms, or The Natural way.

Be true and you may be shown favor.

To be deceitful is to condemn yourself.

Be kind.

Take risks.

Be in control of your mind and actions.

Give control of your spirit to The Song and

Discard the illusion that you control anything else.

Be spontaneous.

Also be very skeptical of your impulses and evaluate probable outcomes. Make good decisions.

Be kind.

Seek to learn from others.

Practice and train regularly.

Discipline yourself and accept discipline from teachers.

Be kind.

Forgive.

Forgive harder for those who are more unforgivable.

Don’t stay where you are unwanted.

Do not assume that you are wanted or unwanted, wait to be told.

Don’t abandon people.

Don’t rush in.

Always assume people mean at least to some degree the things that they say.

Allow people to change their opinions, conclusions, and behaviors.

Don’t hang around with people that mistreat you repeatedly.

Don’t be mellow dramatic or over sensitive.

Be kind.

Don’t force anything.

Be gentle by default.

Increase exertion of power gradually and stop when appropriate.

Do not break things.

Fix things that are broken.

Be kind.

Understand that being positive is always and absolutely better than being negative.

Treat your body, mind, and, soul with great care.

Push your personal limits to become strong.

Be alone sometimes.

Drink as much water as you can.

Sleep, eat, and exercise as regularly and as naturally as you possibly can.

Attempt to be truly well and to maintain wellness.

Seek to help others become well.

Seek to understand that which may enter the body. Foods, medicines, poisons, venoms, intoxicants, all physical objects, sound, light, gases, electricity, and all waves and particles.

Never give or take too much or too little.

Be helpful.

Be kind to yourself.

Seek to understand invisible forces:

The Song, Love, Fear, Hate, Anger, History, and Death.

Seek to understand religious structures, social hierarchies, governments, laws, rules, bylaws, and all sorts of authority.

Do not go about important things in life as if you are playing a game. When you do this you will ultimately lose.

Never be unreasonably aggressive.

Never be passive-aggressive.

Be assertive.

Defend yourself when necessary.

Be quick and effective.

Change what you can.

Know what you cannot and accept it.

Have faith and have hope and act like it.

If you have no faith and no hope, get some before you do anything else.

Be kind some more.

Be present at all times even when looking towards the future or into the past.

Know what you are doing.

Be happy as much as you can.

Love wastefully.

In all other regards be non-wasteful.

Trust others.

Do not trust anyone blindly.

Be kind.

Know when you have very few options and when you have reached the end. Always choose to stay alive as long as the action required to ensure your chance of survival will not unreasonably endanger the lives of others.

Be ready to die at any moment.

Be calm.

Be kind forever.

-Mr. Hassle

[madshelley]

gimmie a quick rundown of which scenes break your heart the most, i'm not sad enough and need the pain.

I love you and this is both the best and worstthing anyone has never asked me, because apparently, I have no clue what a “quick”rundown means.  I also tried very hard tonot make this entirely about Armand and… I failed about midway through. Butin my defense, can you ever be sad enough? No, you can’t.

SO HERE’S THE TOP JUST-A-BIT-TOO-MANY LIST OFHEARTBREAKING VAMPIRE MOMENTS™:

- Louiskilling the Marquis, and both his and Lestat’s reactions to it. Louis draggingLestat to his abusive father’s bed and forcing him to speak forgiveness,despite the fact that Lestat is having an obvious meltdown (“He threw up hishands and let out a terrible roar of desperation.  ‘Damn him! Kill him!’ he said.”/“Lestatdanced like the maddened Rumpelstilskin about to put his foot through thefloor”/ “Never had I seen him so weak and at the same time enraged”), thatLouis, in his lack of information, mistakes for impatience and indifference.Damn dysfunctional vampires with a thing for miscommunication.  If only there was a scene with the two of themdiscussing this in a later book, it would probably make the list too. But,alas.

Rest of the list under cut because of excessively long post that no one’s going to read:

 - Louisdumping Lestat’s ‘body’ in the bog.

“This is Lestat. This is all oftransformation and mystery, dead, gone into eternal darkness. I  felt a pull suddenly, as if some force wereurging me to go down with him, to descend into the dark water and never comeback”.

          For no other reason, but that I feelthis is the prime example of Louis’ tendency to be unable to take control ofhis life and stand up for himself and what he wants, ending up being a passive observerof the most tragic events of his life, lamenting them only when it’s too late.Oh, Louis.

-Armandlying to himself about his relationship with Marius.

“A love so strong hecouldn’t allow me to grow old and die. A love that waited patiently until I wasstrong enough to be born to darkness.”

-I don’t normally care about Madeleine, but thisquote shatters my heart on a daily basis, considering the context in which IwtVwas written.

“And cruelly, surely, I said to her, ‘Did you love this child?’

I will never forget her face then, the violence in her, the absolute hatred.‘Yes.’ She all but hissed the words at me. ‘How dare you!’ She reached for thelocket even as I clutched it. It was guilt that was consuming her, not love. Itwas guilt- that shop of dolls Claudia had described to me, shelves and shelvesof the effigy of that dead child”.

-Armandleaving Louis, unable to bear the loveless, cold partnership anymore, indespair and suicidal. Especially this part of the farewell speech:

“AndI believed I would gather you to me and hold you. And time would open to us,and we would be the teachers of one another. All the things that gave youhappiness would give me happiness; and I would be the protector of your pain.My power would be your power. My strength the same. But you’re dead inside tome, you’re cold and beyond my reach! It is as if I’m not here, beside you. And,not being here with you, I have the dreadful feeling that I don’t exist atall”.

Armand,the break-up line master. Jesus Christ.

-“Hebent down, pressing his head against my chest and holding my hand so tight thathe caused me pain. The room was filled with the flashing red light of thesiren, and then it was going away.

‘Louis,I can’t bear it, I can’t bear it,’ he growled through his tears. ‘Help me,Louis, stay with me’.”

- Theway IwtV ends in general, with no silver lining or sliver of hope. Lestat andArmand are dying, of old age and despair, Louis is continuing his existencelike a bloodless empty shell, seeing no possibility of recovery or light at theend of the tunnel, and there is no comforting cosmic reason anything is everhappening at all.  Life is pain and youdon’t even die. No wonder IwtV is such a downer to the non-initiated.

- LittleLestat being beaten bloody by his father and brothers.

-“Andwhen we decided to go to Paris, I thought we would starve in Paris, that wewould go down and down and down. It was what I wanted rather that what theywanted, that I, the favored son, should rise for them. I thought we would godown! We were supposed to go down”.

- Armandbegging Lestat and Gabrielle to take him with them and them refusing. I’m notgoing to go into details, I feel this is an obvious one.

Exceptfor these gems:

“Maybeas the years pass, desire will come again to me. I will know appetite again,even passion. Maybe when we meet in another age, these things will not beabstract and fleeting. I’ll speak with a vigour that matches yours, instead ofmerely reflecting it”.

and

“Armandwas a small boy in the doorway, holding the backs of his own arms”.

Theconsistent implication throughout the series that Armand gets cold when he’supset does things to my heart.

- Armand’sadmonition to Lestat that fledglings are bound to despise their makers, simplybecause it’s not true, or at least it doesn’t seem to be in most cases. IsArmand projecting because he’s practically almost incapable of verbalcommunication at this point in his life which makes a hindered mind gift seemlike an unsurpassable obstacle in his mind? Or is he projecting because, onsome level, he knows his relationship with Marius was abusive and probablydoomed? (Spoiler alert: probably both.)

- Mariuscalling Armand his mistake.

-Lestat hearing Armand crying after he pushedhim off the roof:

“Maybe I imagined it, his lastinvitation, and the anguish after. The weeping. I do know that as the monthspassed he was out there again. I heard him from time to time just walking thoseold Garden District streets. And I wanted to call to him, to tell him that itwas a lie I’d spoken to him, that I did love him. I did.”.

- “Uglyfights, terrible fights, finally, Armand broken down, glassy-eyed with silentrage, then crying softly but uncontrollably as if some lost emotion had beenrediscovered which threatened to tear him apart”.

-“Evenin moments of the greatest jeopardy, I knew we would meet before I would befree to die.”

Tell me again how Armand’s suicideattempt in Memnoch was out of character.

-Lestatbelieving that Daniel would have left Night Island with him if he had askedhim. So much theoretical pain.

- It’sa pity that Daniel leaving Armand isn’t technically  ~a scene, because that would make the top ofthe list.

- Everyscene in which Lestat is “haunted” by Claudia in TotBT. It’s not hard to seehow he made the connection between her and the Raglan episode, even with himnever straight-up admitting it to himself. Remember when Lestat still feltcrippling guilt for his worst actions, even subconsciously? Good times.

- David’sturning. But this is not the time to complain about this, it’s canon heartbreakappreciation time!

- Armand’ssuicide attempt in Memnoch the Devil. I’ve already elaborated on this way toomuch, but let’s take a moment to appreciate Lestat screaming Armand’s nameafter him. Take a moment. Thank you.

- Louisobjecting to Lestat being chained to the floor, but being completely dismissed.

- Theentire The Vampire Armand. I can’t let myself elaborate too much on this, as I’lljust be reciting the entire book. I can just open it to a random page and itwill probably be a Top Heartbreaking Vampire Moment:

 Armand’sobvious exhaustion at the beginning of the book, that no one seems to respect. Himscolding himself and admitting to David he feels he’s going mad. A child silentlywishing for death so hard, that Marius heard it amongst the mental voices ofthe entire city. Armand’s entire “relationship” with Marius. Armand having a breakdownat seeing religious imagery, not yet being sure why he has that reaction. Meetinghis parents, especially the broken Ivan. The “Bridge of Sighs” metaphor, Jesus.The ashes of the Palazzo boys. The whole Riccardo horror. Armand trying toconceal his scarred face from Benji and Sybelle, putting all his energy intothe illusion. The shattering feeling of betrayal about the turning of Armand’s “children”by Marius, and Armand’s conviction that it was meant as punishment. Louis beingunable to conceal his relief and joy to see Armand alive. Armand’s bitter, hurtdismissal of his relationship with Daniel as doomed from the start. Armandadmitting that Sybelle and Benji had to coax him out of depressive episodes attimes. Man, did Anne go ham on the pain in this one. Why, mom?

- Specialmention to that one time Marius beat Armand out of “frustration” at him fortaking too long to emotionally get over his visit to Kiev, probably his mostblatantly abusive moment in the book.

“‘You’ve had enough time to grieve and to weep,’ hesaid, ‘and to reevaluate all you’ve been given. Now it’s back to work. Go tothe desk and prepare to write. Or I’ll whip you some more.’”

“He smacked me across the face. I was dizzy.”

Nice going, Marius.

- Secondspecial mention to this little passage, because no one ever talks about it andit makes my heart bleed:

“ I looked off, wanting the quiet, dreamingof bowers suddenly, not in words but in images, the way my old mind would doit, wanting to lie down in garden beds among growing flowers, wanting to pressmy face to earth and sing softly to myself”.

- Thirdspecial mention to this, but only out of context:

“For all the wrongs done you, andthe loneliness you’ve suffered, and the horrors that the world put upon youwhen you were too young and too untried to know how to fight them and then toovanquished to wage a battle with a full heart”.  

- SeeingDaniel in Blood and Gold after all those years. The shock of the degree inwhich his mental stability deteriorated, not objecting to being kept by Mariuslike a child. The terrifying possibilities of how he might have ended up therein the first place. The even more terrifying possibility that it might havebeen the news of Armand’s “death” that pushed him over the edge. How Armandmust have felt about this ‘relationship’.

- I am definitely not done, and yet I’m going to stop ‘cause even I had enough.

Tl;dr: Sad Vampires.

[myaspects]

Aries and Depression

ARIES – The Ram is seldom depressed unless other forces are at work. I have seen Aries who are offspring of parents who overly-cautioned them. This can be very serious because the Aries has been taught to not trust their instincts. Therefore, it becomes hard for them to get in touch with their fire (zest for life.) Aries are not to be cautioned. They thirst for activity and adventure. The cure for Aries is to get more active and get into more adventures where they can challenge themselves. Adrenalin junkies. Usually, they don’t have to contend with depression too much though – as is true with all fire signs.

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Ariens are capable of becoming highly competitive, seeking fame and recognition. Because of these desires, they can become overly aggressive and prone to use force, rather than diplomacy and reason in dealing with others. If they do not use their energies creatively, they expect others to provide them with constant stimulation and they thus can become idle and apathetic. The solar energy of Aries needs physical expression otherwise Aries types may become depressed and overweight.

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Fire fuels fire with sparks of enthusiasm, fun, passion, and spontaneity.  Fire needs fire, for all the other elements can put Fire out.  Water douses fire out, Earth snuffs fire out, and Air blows fire out.  No wonder fire is drawn to other fire signs.  It’s really the most vulnerable of the elements yet feels like it’s the most dangerous.  Fire signs are more prone to depression if their fire goes out.  When I see this in a client, I always encourage them to co-mingle with other fire types to get sparked again.

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Is the confidence missing from your Aries voice, or in their actions? Does their response become merely a ‘nod of agreement’ to a great idea, instead of the explosion of enthusiasm you usually see?? Are they actually AVOIDING trouble??? Then more than likely your Aries is becoming depressed. Several steps are needed to be done at the same time, and you’d better work fast. Once this sign goes under it is EXTREMELY difficult to bring them back up. It’s probably easier to raise the Titanic than to lift this sign up, once they’ve fallen into the depths of depression.

Asking “what’s wrong?” is a total waste of time, so don’t even bother doing it. This may even irritate an Aries even more, causing them to retreat deeper and deeper into that huge mental concrete bunker they built to shut unwanted people out. You see, answering that question means to admit something IS wrong, and that’s what they are desperately trying to avoid. Besides, having a bunch of people circling around, whining about something being wrong is not an Aries idea of help. (Being near such activity is probably what got them depressed in the first place!)

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Aries:Aries will get aggressive and will snap pretty much unprovoked. Aries will want to be around people, but people wont want to be around them.

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The reputed love of freedom is also worth considering. With the exaltation of the Sun in this sign, the striving towards independence of mind and spirit is strong, but that quest might often rely upon squashing the freedom or rights of others in order that the Aries urge to dominate is fulfilled. Even when it is a genuine challenge for a worthy cause, an Aries may get so wrapped up in the flush of the battle that they lose sight of the cause, failing to yield at appropriate points of negotiation that others would take as a fair-minded victory. Thus the Aries can suffer from a ‘do or die’ mentality. When they manage to ‘do’ they can emerge stupendous in the eyes of others, but where they ‘die’ their depressed spirit will find it difficult to accept defeat with stoic grace. Fortunately, this is not a sign that harbours grudges, it seeks instant gratification, and the easy ability to express on the surface what is felt within means that it vents its frustrations with directness as they arise. Others may find that abrasive, but Aries equally scorns political correctness, false civility and those who raise remembered slights long after the moment has passed.

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One finds in her a frank, ardent and straightforward partner, for whom love is always a fascinating adventure that totally absorbs her. Aries woman might go through some fervent and furious moments, followed by a depression. Willful and dynamic, Aries woman might become completely discouraged by a deception in love. If she’s deserted, she won’t calm down… Until the day when Aries woman falls in love again !

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Aries can fall into a deep depression if they are alone for too long. Aries enjoy the company of others.

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Headaches from an overtaxed system are the most frequent maladies (having sprung from the head of Zeus, this should come as no surprise!). When you are laid up, you feel utterly useless and depressed, because your primary vehicle is out of order.

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If an Aries woman senses that a man will get in the way of her independence, or try to stifle her will in any way, she will feel like a caged animal. When you box in a mammal whose nature it is to thrust ahead, you elicit anger. When she realizes that she has no power to transcend this imposed limit, she feels anxious. Keep her locked in long enough, and she gets depressed.

This is no way to treat an Aries, man! If an Aries woman gets antsy around you, it’s a sign that you need to back off, give her some space. You cannot control the burst of new life that is Spring, so what makes you think you can control an Aries woman? It’s like trying to prevent a bud from blooming. The force of nature cannot be contained.

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Mars rules Aries if that gives you any indication (Mars IS the God of War). An Aries favorite color is probably a shade of red. And cars. Mars is associated with transportation. Actually, it is associated with movement, but in this day and age that means wheels, so we call it a Car Star. It does give a certain edge in physical situations, too, although Aries do have this aggressive streak which does scare some people. I’d call it “forthright” instead of aggressive, though. Without a certain amount of coming and going and doing, an Aries can become depressed. Activity is important to them — on all levels.

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Unexpressed Aries Energy Can Turn Into Anger:

Barbara Ybarra, an astrologer in California, has Moon in Aries. She wrote to me with a very insightful idea - linking unexpressed Mars-type energy to Volcanos and the formation of lava tubes. She was responding to my asking her if she felt comfortable using her assertive, warrior energy. She said, “In a Volcano, if a fire burns underneath and gets big enough, it cannot be  easily controlled.  Previously, the Volcano “Kilauea” has used various lava tubes to vent the molten lava, but now there is so much heat and fire that it is threatening to come out the top as well. It’s hard to look at how women experience their strong Aries planets without asking about the changes that women have gone through in society.  My mother also has Moon in Aries (conjunct Uranus), and she has Mars in Scorpio (and also Pluto square Sun)…so you see I grew up with an example of a woman who had energy trouble, and she lived in a more stifling time period.  She made her own lava tubes, venting all over the house, including her husband and children.  Sometimes the fire came out the top. I remember as a child saying I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up.  Then I changed it to architect after awhile.  One day my mother asked me why I chose jobs that were men’s jobs, why not “nurse” or “teacher”.  She talked about whom she hoped I would marry some day.  I was programmed and conditioned, even though I knew that other things were possible.  My warrior spirit and fearless drive was turning to anger, just like it did in her. It’s the anger that people don’t appreciate, and hidden anger is hard to get rid of.  I think feminine fire energy can be appreciated, but we very rarely see it in its purest form.  We see it when it has to come out, hell or high water…and by that time it is anger”.

The image of a volcano with lava tubes to vent the excess heat is vivid and right on target. Many women create their own symbolic lava tubes so that they can vent their energy and assertive drive. For instance, many will store the aggressiveness and release it in the gym. This, naturally, lets them be less forceful in other areas of life and allows them to fit in with less conflict. Some will channel their Aries energy into keeping a spotless house or being a “supermom” - doing what women traditionally receive approval for, but doing it with the motive to be THE ABSOLUTE BEST.

Others have put a lid on this strong energy completely, suppressing the urge to “win”, afraid to ask for what they want, becoming passive and giving away their power. When Mars is stuffed, an unhealthy situation develops, frequently leading to self-denial or self-destructive tendencies, even depression.

Interestingly, quite a few of the women I interviewed who repressed the Aries assertiveness had allowed it instead to manifest as an eating disorder or other compulsion or addiction. Eventually, when the energy is repressed long enough, and too much heat builds, the lava comes bursting forth. The result is an out-of-control, ugly explosion that usually receives very negative feedback - which then reinforces the urge to stuff it; and then the cycle repeats and the inner heat builds up again.

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Aries-  Perhaps the number one Aries characteristic that causes inner tension, is the outcome of their impulsive-nature.  Aries will often rush headlong, enthusiastically into any given challenge and will react to situations very impulsively; with little to no thought to the consequences.  Naturally, this can leave an Aries with feelings of regret, remorse, or let downs.  The Aries mantra may just be “what was I thinking?".Aries can begin to question their own self-worth when making their many mistakes.  As an Aries you would benefit from meditation or yoga, anything that soothes the mind.

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