#the original idea was to pair it with one of the malt shops

[gamebunny-advance]

"Mesmerizer x 1010"

So, I haven't drawn anything lately because I've been severely depressed (again). When that happens, I seem to always end up drawing Malt Shop!1010~

Anyway, I've had this crossover idea on the back-burner for a while, because I try to avoid too much "it's a reference" kinda art, but I really needed something kinda "brainless" to bring me back from my despair~ (Ironic, given the song's themes).

I made an alternate skintone version because the effect of the eyes turning black doesn't work as well when the scleras are already black XP.

[robotnik-mun]

Alrighty, so I juust watched the documentary of the unmade Fourth DIC Show, and my God... I feel like I may actually be losing my mind.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-cp0dtX27I

Instinct tells me this isn’t real. This CAN’T be real. BUT IT IS.

And since I’m a generous soul I’m gonna recap, but trust me when I say you need to see it to believe it.

To start with we learn some details about what could’ve happened with Adventures and Underground!

-In AoStH, there were plans to include another main character... and in the mother of all coincidences it was going to be a sorceress named Merlina, who would be a descendant of Merlin and generally serve as a foil to Sonic! YEP, THAT’S RIGHT! WE ALMOST GOT A MERLINA BEFORE MERLINA!

-I find it interesting to note that SatAM also toyed with the idea of there being a magical hero, namely the original conception of Nate Morgan.

But anyway, while that was a bit weird, its not especially weird given what AoStH was like. Underground on the other hand... oh boy, Underground. You thought it was weird as it is? That’s nothing compared to what COULD have been.

-Sonia was initially going to be the only sibling Sonic had, and described as a ‘sexy, Jessica Rabbit’ like character while having an attitude like Sonic’s own.

-Sonic would have also had a Porcupine sidekick called ‘Quilley’, who would have a crush on Sonia. Am I having a stroke? I think I’m having a stroke.

-Instead of Sleet and Dingo, the bounty hunters in the show? Were going to be Scratch and Grounder! Okay, that’s actually kind of a neat idea, I admit it.

-Less neat though was that they would have been lead by Robotnik’s evil-er twin brother, Grotty. Yeah, you read that right. Evil-er twin brother. Named ‘Grotty’. I swear to God there was something in the water at DIC’s facilities...

-Aleena was originally going to be called “Rachel”, and Manic had the prototype name of “Edsel”.

-And evidently they were actually going to make the father of the royal hedgehogs a secondary subplot. Admittedly it would have been nice to see that one addressed, but otherwise yeah... we dodged some pretty significantly sized bullets. How insane is it that we are LUCKY to have gotten the Underground that we got?

And then there’s the unmade fourth show itself... Super Sonic Sisters. Oh, where do we even BEGIN?

-Well, we begin with the fact that they are not Sonic’s sisters. They’re his cousins. Who are twin sisters, Monica and Isabelle, who have an Odd Couple-esque dynamic going on. They live in space, on an Australia-esque asteroid. Yes, you are reading all of that correctly. No one has spiked your water. This was planned as a Sonic spinoff.

-The pair attend a high school, IN SPACE. There they are part of the school news program, IN SPACE. They also solve mysteries. IN SPACE!!!

-Their parents run a kind of interstellar truck stop/malt shop, with their mom being the mechanic and their dad being the chef.

-In addition to solving mysteries, they would also deal with Robotnik’s young nephew, Obnotnik. Obnotnik would attend the same school as them and is described as a ‘delinquent with pull’, who is their rival in the school news game.

So. Yeah. I think I finally know what it feels like to take mind altering drugs. Without taking mind altering drugs. I am having an out of body experience right now. How could anyone have thought this was a good idea. HOW? The fact that this ORIGINATED as a Sonic show rather than being repurposed from elsewhere is madness on a level I am not ready to acknowledge. I feel my eyes bleeding. I hear the call the Cthulhu.

.... I’m totally plundering at least some of this stuff for my own ends, but point of order! The DIC portion of things nearly went in a weird-ass direction that defies rational thought.

[andorwhore]

Saudade - IV of VII

Chapter IV of VII: Care

summary: A year in the life of a rebel with a cause and a rebel in search of one… chapter four: Lose has a tendency to bring people close, and that can be daunting.

author’s note: Who hasn’t updated since October? I guess it’s me, the resident asshole author. I took a very long and unexpected break from writing due to school and work, and I still haven’t written any new content unfortunately. But I thought it would be a shame to let this complete chapter sit around unpublished. So, I’m hoping that this will motivate me to finish up this story (and potentially add that new chapter I’ve been considering). And if I never get around to wrapping this fic up, at the very least this is the perfect chapter to leave it on.

pairing: Cassian Andor x OC word count: 11,465 (longest one yet babey) rating: T, eventual R warnings: is ~*~intimacy~*~ something that requires a warning lol

chapter one || chapter two || chapter three || chapter four

[ff.net] [ao3]

taglist: @justanotherblonde23​

The Festival of Stars was a celebration Jai was quite familiar with, or at least as familiar as the average person could be. She didn't know the exact origin of the festival week, though she knew it had something to do with interstellar space travel; what she did know with certainty is that every year, the Ring of Kafrene became overloaded with travelers during the holiday, en route to destinations all across the galaxy. On Kafrene, the people took to celebrating it as well, though as Jai got older she realized it was a means of ripping off all the gullible tourists that made pit stops on the colony. Residents of Kafrene were smart to jump on the opportunity, Jai's friends and family included, and ironically enough, because of the locals' investment in playing travelers for fools, the festival in its own way became a part of what little culture Kafrene had.

Jai hadn't expected to hear anything about the festival on Yavin 4. Hell, she all but forgot about the holiday week, the last six months of her life having been all consumed by Alliance business. She first heard someone mention the Festival of Stars just as they were heading back to the base after a mission to a planet called Naator (this being yet another world Jai had no prior knowledge of). She was brought along on the mission as tech support, though Jai was fairly certain she wouldn't be needed.

She had ended up spending a whole day on Naator just sitting in the ship and waiting for her team to return. The most thrilling thing that happened to Jai was when some local animal spooked her as she did an engine check in the morning, and she nearly fried the creature with her blaster. Her team returned successful, and they were off of the planet just as quickly as they had arrived.

As they started on their few hours journey to return back to Yavin 4, one of the team members reminded everyone that the holiday was going on that week, and that they should make a pit stop to pick up a few things to celebrate. Jai listened with intrigue as the group excitedly discussed the festivity, curious to hear about it from the perspective of those that didn't grow up trying to find ways to profit off of the holiday.

Apparently, quite a number of the rebels celebrated it every year, along with the other two Fete Weeks. Jai, of course, didn't know about these other weeks - they had their own dumb holidays back on the Ring of Kafrene, and the Festival of Stars was the only one she knew of that was celebrated in all corners of the galaxy. Rebels, no matter what planet they came from, all seemed to love the holiday, saw it as an opportunity to relax and forget their responsibilities for a while.

Although the festival was traditionally celebrated over the course of five days, the Rebellion only had two evenings unofficially dedicated to it - after all, it wouldn't be very practical if they spent an entire week partying. The "unofficial" part, someone explained to Jai, was because the council of superiors didn't recognize it as any kind of reprieve from work - they were happy to allow their rebels to celebrate, and even happy to take part in the festivities if time allowed, but the Festival of Stars wasn't something marked on everyone's calendars as time off. In the Rebellion, there was no such thing as time off. If someone was lucky enough to have one of the two evenings free, then they were welcome to join in the party.

Jai's team were all planning to attend once they got back to Yavin 4, encouraging the slicer to join them - and Jai was never one to turn down a party.

The Naator mission team ended up going a little crazy during their pit stop on one of the planets in the nearest trading belt - apparently, Jai observed, the Festival of Stars was more like the Festival of Drinking among the rebels. They grabbed everything from spicebrew to malts to drinks that Jai had never even heard of; and, of course, she made sure they grabbed as much Merenzane Gold as they could manage. Jai could only wonder just how much alcohol there would be at base once the other rebels returned from their missions as well, all surely having the same idea as her team.

By the time they returned to Yavin 4, evening was slowly closing in, and the hangar seemed far more crowded than usual - it would seem the partying was far too big for the confines of the mess hall, as the rebels took to setting up out here instead. The Naator team was already buzzing with impatience as the gunship settled on the tarmac, everyone waiting to jump out and join the party that had just begun over on the west side of the hangar. Everyone grabbed up the boxes of alcohol scattered across the ship - Jai made sure she grabbed at least one of the crates of Merenzane.

As she stepped off of the ship, Jai felt a warmth swelling in her chest, hearing her teammates chattering excitedly and the carefree voices of their fellow rebels drifting towards them from the west side. Back home, Jai and her brothers loved the Festival of Stars, and they almost always managed to convince Tillian and Vinis to let them run off amongst the crowds each evening rather than have them work at Vinis' shop in the market (or have them take advantage of the tourists' guards being down). When the three of them were out together, watching the performances other locals put on, hearing the excited chatter of people on the streets, climbing up on rooftops to watch the crowd with interest and awe, they were unstoppable. They always ended those evenings on the roof of their home, staying up into the wee hours of the mornings to watch all of the excitement - up there, they felt as if they were on top of the entire world.

Those were simpler times, before Tillian passed, before Jai's brother ran off with some unscrupulous stranger, when they were still young and hopeful and without a care in the world. Jai missed those days and missed what her family used to be. The holiday didn't feel the same after they lost Tillian, and by the time her brother left, the festival was practically nonexistent to her - they could never go back to the dream of their childhood, and Jai had come to accept that. But as she walked through the hangar with her excited teammates, each with a bit of a skip in their steps, Jai felt as if this could start a new festival tradition for her, one that, though not the same as that of her past, would be just as good. This was the next chapter of her life, and with the next chapter came new things to love and be excited about.

Another half a dozen or so ships had pulled into the hangar after the Naator team, all landing on the opposite end of the hangar from where the enlivened rebels were setting up drinks and tables. Jai was about halfway to her destination when she looked back towards the new ships, but they were too far off for her to immediately identify any of them. Beside her, the team leader, Kinall, asked Jai if she felt steady enough to take another box of alcohol on top of the one she already had - Kinall had to head up to Command to report to her superior about the mission. Jai gave a histrionic sigh, but agreed to take the second crate, readjusting her grip on the box of Merenzane Gold before Kinall set the second box atop it. The captain spun around to head towards the turbolift, Jai watching her walk off while she ensured her grip was steady before continuing towards the party.

"I think you have a drinking problem." a voice teased noncommittally from somewhere behind Jai, causing a smile to pull across her face as she rolled her eyes. Turning around carefully so as not to drop anything, she spotted Cassian and K-2SO approaching her, looking as if they, too, had just returned from a mission. Cassian had a teasing smirk on his lips, and yet the expression didn't even remotely reach his eyes; and, though Kay was expressionless, he still somehow seemed eternally judgmental.

"My only drinking problem is that I haven't had enough yet to deal with you." Jai retorted, looking past Cassian at all the other rebels that had come back from their various missions, wondering briefly if Cassian had gone with a team or if his job had been solo.

Nearly everyone returned with something in hand, most of which Jai was sure had to be booze, though unsurprisingly, Cassian was empty handed.

For another moment, Jai watched the other rebels as most of them walked in her direction, though she noted the few that quickly made their way for the turbolift instead, heads down and expressions distraught. Must have been a sour mission that dampened their mood.

Jai looked between Cassian and the two crates she carried as they began to feel even heavier, "Help a girl out, would you?"

Cassian glanced with disinterest at the boxes in her arms, though Jai could now recognize the waggish glint on his face that, once again, didn't quite seem to reach his eyes, "You look like you've got a handle on it."

She gave him a small glare before turning her eyes up towards K-2SO, but before Jai could say anything, the droid spoke, "Don't assume I'll help you with it."

Jai scoffed, "Such gentlemen…"

She and Cassian met eyes again as he gave a tired, agreeing grin, stepping up to take the top box from her, Jai's arms immediately feeling relieved at the lightened load. As she turned back around for them to head toward the tables, she eyed Cassian curiously, noticing that his posture seemed exhausted and his face worn.

"What, didn't bring anything for the party?" The man looked back at her, his expression a little less amused than before. His lips seemed to press tightly together for a slight second. There was something on his mind, that much Jai could discern, but she was certain that Cassian would avoid mentioning it.

"I have no interest in parties."

Jai shouldn't have been at all surprised by the answer. Of course Cassian wasn't the party going type - he preferred his brooding to having a good time. Ever since their night of drinking two months back, Jai hadn't been able to get him to do so since. Sure, Cassian had a drink here or there that she knew of, but the two haven't since sat down and dedicated a couple of hours to simply drinking and chatting as freely and carelessly as they had back then. That evening caused a shift in their relationship, even if by this point they couldn't exactly remember all of that night.

They were friends now, even if Cassian refused to ever say so out loud. That didn't mean they saw each other everyday nor did they have the chances to make great efforts to spend time together, however, they could both feel it in the way they talked, the way they seemed to feel more at ease with one another, the way they simply seemed to fit together.

Jai had somehow convinced Cassian to spend meals with her and her other friends in the mess hall on a few rare occasions, and when she wasn't busy with something Jai wandered her way to Cassian's ship or up to the control room to take some time to chat with him if she knew he was around base. Neither had been back to the other's dorm, however - that evening months ago was a strange exception, and without saying so they both had a feeling that the next time that happened, it'd be very different from that time before.

Jai liked Cassian - most of the time, she was pretty sure she knew it was just as a friend, but every now and again she caught herself looking at him a certain way, looking at him with a warmth in her chest that she didn't feel often enough to be able to surely identify it. It didn't linger all too often, but when it did it wasn't easy to ignore; Jai could tell herself it was the kind of warmth one felt for a friend, but then she'd catch herself admiring him too closely or getting lost somewhere in her head if someone mentioned his name, and she knew there was no way this warmth was simply one of friendship.

It wasn't a crush - that word certainly felt too juvenile to describe whatever this was. Jai simply saw it as the part of her that got caught up in the "what ifs" - what if we met in a different way in a different place, what if we weren't in this rebellion, what if he wasn't so guarded and distant? The "what ifs" were casual and non committal - they weren't real wants or desires, Jai told herself. They were simple considerations that passed through her mind as if they were foolish impulses, like those pesky voices that asked "what if you just shocked yourself with one of your tools to see what would happen" or "what if you went and jumped out of a ship without taking any precautions?"

And this was a ship that Jai had no intention of jumping out of - it was better if it all just stayed up in her head. She didn't dare let herself wonder if Cassian ever had those random intrusive thoughts - he struck her as the kind of guy who simply didn't have the time for intrusive thoughts. Even when he wasn't busy, his mind was at work, and there was no room for useless thinking as far as she could tell.

So, the fact that Cassian didn't do parties was something Jai could have guessed about him - just like useless thoughts, Cassian didn't seem to have time for useless events either. Though, it was still disappointing to hear from him, because Jai saw Cassian as someone that was in desperate need of some lighthearted fun every now and again.

Jai hummed as they set the crates atop a table full of alcohol of all varieties, other rebels already swarming to grab some for themselves, "That's a shame, I really could use someone to help me drink all this Merenzane."

As she grinned at Cassian, Jai snagged a bottle of her favorite drink before they could all disappear. Cassian glanced at the bottle before his eyes flicked back up to meet Jai's for a moment with a raised brow; he looked behind himself at Kay as if he could get Cassian out of this party, but the damned droid had already retreated with disinterest.

"You'll have to find another drinking partner, Jai." He replied plainly… no, it wasn't plain, he sounded exhausted; he knew, though, that the woman almost surely wasn't going to accept his answer. Jai was persistent when she wanted to be, and something about Cassian always seemed to make her more tenacious than she usually was. Cassian discovered that, apparently, after making some passing comment to someone about Jai's persistence, she was never so stubborn with others, as his comment surprised the rebel he was talking to. She must have reserved all of that tiresome stubbornness for him and him alone. Upon discovering that, Cassian repeatedly had to stop himself from overthinking what that meant.

Cassian could tell from the look in Jai's eyes that she was about to attempt to persuade him to stay for a little while, and he could also see that she was hoping that she'd succeed. Giving her his own resolute look, Cassian turned his shoulder and started walking out of the crowd of other rebels.

"You know you can relax every now and again." Jai's voice chimed up from right alongside him; she sounded caring, as if she wasn't simply asking for his company, but asking for him to be at ease for once, "Maybe a party would be good for you."

"I think not." He glanced down at her. His tone nor his expression were either harsh or dismissive, but that weariness Jai spotted earlier seemed almost more present in his eyes, "I have to go debrief with Draven."

Jai couldn't argue with that particular point, knowing it to be true, though she was sure a debriefing couldn't take up much of his time. She sighed a little through her nose as she looked down at the Merenzane she was carrying. Something seemed to be bothering Cassian, or maybe this last mission was just so draining that he couldn't commit himself to socializing.

"Come back down for one drink?" She tried one final time, seeing the consideration on Cassian's face when she looked back toward him.

A part of Cassian wanted to say yes. Despite how awful he felt, and despite his complete lack of interest in the Festival of Stars, a part of him wanted to agree to a drink with some good company. He began to consider that maybe a drink is exactly what his drained heart needed right now, what his weathered mind could use. Though he wasn't keen on joining a pointless party, Cassian felt some kind of pull towards spending time with Jai, especially given the way she looked at him with such hopefulness. Whether that be because he was fond of her or because he knew he had something important to say to her, he wasn't sure.

After all these months, Jai had become a friend, though her tactics were relatively new ones to him - any time she was told "Cassian doesn't do this" or "Cassian doesn't like that," she blatantly did whatever those things were to challenge them, to test them and see if they were true or if simply no one else dared to try to get any closer to him.

Cassian would have expected himself to become annoyed by Jai's persistence, but despite himself he found that he respected it, found that he even came to genuinely like it - because he kept so many people at arm's length, he was refreshed by Jai's resolve to get to know him, to be his friend and to see him open up. Sure, Jai's disregard for his space could occasionally be a pain in his ass, but more often than not it turned out to be exactly what Cassian needed in a companion, in a friend, in… well, he didn't want to consider what she could be beyond a friend.

Jai raised one brow as a grin spread across her lips - Cassian's silent consideration was a promising reaction, she had come to learn. The silence meant he was interested in her offer, at least to some degree, he just simply didn't want to admit so. As he recognized the look on Jai's face, Cassian sighed with an indignant roll of his eyes.

He lifted his index finger between them for emphasis, "One drink."

Jai's smile grew wider as she motioned with her head towards the turbolift, hoping her smile would help lift some of that obvious stress off of his shoulders, "Go take care of your debriefing, captain."

The trace of a sad smile pulled at Cassian's face as he turned away from the woman to make his retreat. Jai watched him go with a content expression, eyeing her friend closely until finally the doors of the lift closed, only catching at the very last second that there appeared to be some kind of a sadness in his eyes.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Jai had a feeling Cassian was going to flake on her.

Captain Kinall from Jai's mission already returned to the hangar, and the woman had gone up to command only a few minutes before Cassian. She'd been back long enough to finish one drink, and Jai found herself wondering if Cassian's debriefing had run over, or if he changed his mind and went back to his dorm without telling her.

She shouldn't be upset at him. It felt childish, this anxiety that bubbled in Jai's chest as she considered why Cassian didn't show. If he didn't want to join her for a drink, then so be it - she shouldn't let herself get upset over that, it was far too out of character.

But a small, nagging part of Jai was, at the very least, disappointed - despite how uneventful their conversations could be sometimes, she nonetheless was looking forward to getting some time with Cassian tonight. She always looked forward to even the briefest of minutes she got to see him.

Jai sat at one of the tables dragged out for the party, Abe and Miona across from her, and beside her another doctor named Pek. For what felt like the hundredth time, Miona was encouraging Abe to talk to another rebel that he fancied, and Pek was telling Miona and Jai to stop pestering him about it.

Of all the twi'leks Jai had met through the years, Abe was by far the most peculiar - the twi'leks back on Kafrene always seemed bold, fearless, and without any hesitation, but Abe was constantly getting caught up in his own head, always questioning and calculating everything before coming to any decision. It's what Jai found charming about him; the fact that he shared that quality with her younger brother is what drew her to Abe in the first place.

"Jai," Miona's voice stressed, drawing her friend from her daze - stupidly, Jai had been staring at the turbolift and once more got caught up wondering where Cassian was. Jai quickly collected herself, looking around the table, "Tell Abe he just needs to go talk to Chiri."

Jai could see Pek and Abe both roll their eyes, and the slicer gave a half-assed grin, "Abe, tonight is kind of the perfect night to go for it, what could go wrong?"

"I'm not going to make an idiot of myself trying to flirt with anyone." Abe argued nervously, looking tired to be having this conversation yet again.

Jai shrugged noncommittally, lifting her glass to her lips, "Then stop ogling her every time you see her - she might start to notice you."

Miona laughed good-naturedly, setting her hand on Abe's forearm as reassurance.

"Leave him alone, you guys." Pek rolled her eyes at them, giving Jai a little jab with her elbow, "We've had this conversation a thousand times already."

Jai gave her friend a nudge back, the corner of her mouth pulled up slightly, "Fine, fine, I promise no more talking about Chiri."

"You don't make promises." Miona scoffed around the rim of her glass.

Jai paused before nodding in agreement, raising her glass, "You got me there."

Jai's eyes drifted back toward the turbolift, and she mentally reprimanded herself for it - she shouldn't let Cassian trouble her. It was a stupid thing to keep focusing on; she was here with her friends, so why let one man's disinterested agreement to make an appearance linger in her thoughts?

A minute later, the turbolift doors opened, and dumbly Jai perked up a little, only to be immediately let down when she saw it wasn't Cassian. She hoped the others didn't notice her.

She sighed a little through her nose, knocking back the rest of the Merenzane in her glass in one swift swig before she started chewing on the inside of her lip, her brows pulled into a slight glare as she started down at her empty glass.

This was stupid. Why did she get herself excited for Cassian in the first place? They were friends, but they weren't that close. And yet, Jai felt a distinct fondness, a feeling of closeness despite knowing they weren't that. It was that draw she felt to him, the one stirred up when she started thinking "what if" again - it was the things in her head overriding what was going on in reality. She just needed to relax and have another drink, and the rebel captain would be forgotten for the remainder of the evening.

And yet… Jai felt some distinct pull to the man this evening, something she couldn't shake. It had to have been that look in his eyes earlier - Cassian looked exhausted despite putting up at least a decent front of impassivity, he looked downcast despite trying to make jokes to keep Jai off his scent. Maybe she should have read his body language better - he was probably so drained from whatever his latest job was, both emotionally and physically, that there was no way he could try to take part in socializing tonight.

'I don't think he's okay.' The thought suddenly struck Jai, though she tried to dismiss it as being her own anxiety just creating extra worry. Cassian was probably as fine as one could be after a rough mission, he just didn't care about this party. But then again, he seemed more off than usual earlier, like he was not entirely there despite trying to pretend he was.

Jai came back to reality again, looking around the table at her friends, wondering if they had noticed just how long she'd been silent. Miona seemed to give her a look of at least recognition that she had zoned out, but it wasn't a knowing expression as if she could figure out what was on Jai's mind. Jai sighed a little, glancing at her glass again before pushing up from the table without entirely thinking about it.

"I need another drink." The group's eyes drew toward her, and Abe lifted his own glass and shook it a little.

"Grab another for me, too?"

Jai nodded, though she wasn't entirely sure she'd be back to the table any time soon; but she didn't want them being suspicious about her disappearance, at least not from the get-go. As her friends returned to their discussion, Jai glanced back towards the turbolift as she started walking away - she knew she had herself convinced that something wasn't right, and now there was no shaking that though. Her legs carried her toward one of the tables full of drinks, but as she glanced down at it, she had no interest in refilling her glass.

Jai sighed - it looked like she was going to search for the rebel captain after all.

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Cassian wasn't sure when he had zoned out or how long he had been sitting still as a statue on the edge of his bed, but a knock at his door drew him out of his daze. As he blinked rapidly a few times, the knocking sounded again - how long had someone been at his door? Cassian's eyes drifted toward it, staring weakly - he was too exhausted to deal with anyone right now, and there wasn't anything that could be that important right now.

"Cassian." A voice sounded from the other side, causing his brows to perk and his back to straighten in recognition - Jai. She came looking for him, much to his own surprise.

When he agreed to return to the hangar, he was still on the fence about whether or not he'd even show, about whether or not he wanted to tell Jai what was on his mind. When he returned to his room to clean up after his meeting with Draven, Cassian knew he didn't have the emotional energy to put up with a crowd, even if it were just for a few minutes. He figured Jai would be content with her friends and forget all about asking him to show up, but evidently his assumption was false.

Cassian pushed his elbows off of his bare knees, staring at the door again as he sighed, deciding whether or not he even wanted to get up. Jai's knocking had stopped - did she give up? Despite himself, Cassian felt a certain disappointment, imagining Jai sighing on the opposite side of his door and walking away in defeat - maybe he wanted to talk to her, maybe he wanted some company. No, he wasn't the type that ever wanted someone around, especially not when he felt like shit as he was feeling tonight. Yet, something in him wanted to let Jai in.

Cassian rose to his feet while pushing his damp hair off of his forehead, hurrying to his small closet to dig out a pair of sweatpants, which he stumbled his legs into as he made for the door. As one hand finished pulling them up, the other snatched his discarded jacket from where he'd dropped it onto the floor.

He stuck his head out the door, seeing that Jai had, in fact, begun to retreat down the hall. For a moment, he simply stared at the back of her head, wondering what exactly he wanted - should he let her go, or should he call out to her? Why did he even go to his door to begin with? And why did he feel this craving for company somewhere in his chest, a craving for Jai's company?

"Jai?" His voice was quieter than he expected, and Cassian wondered if the slicer even heard him. But she paused and turned back, a small grin on her face as her eyes fell on the man that was halfway out in the hall. Upon spotting his damn hair and semi-bare chest, Jai looked Cassian up and down while he finished jerking the jacket over his shoulders; she quirked a brow slightly before looking back at his face while approaching.

"I thought you were gonna stand me up." She teased, making a joke out of the very real disappointment that she had been feeling earlier. As she paused in front of him, though, Jai noticed the conflict in Cassian's expression that had been there all night.

"… I thought about it." He admitted while looking into his room, silently leading Jai back inside. Just like before, she looked around the space, noticing this time though that there was a trail of discarded clothes leading towards the refresher. Her eyes turned back up toward Cassian, who stood between his bed and his closet, his head turned in consideration, as if deciding whether to face her or turn away, whether to remain on his feet or sit down. Despite the man giving no real clues, Jai knew there was something off about Cassian tonight, she just couldn't put her finger on why that was.

The two were quiet for a nearly uncomfortable length of time, Cassian's back still turned to her as they both stood dumbly in the middle of the room. So, Jai thought, she had been right to come looking for him, though she felt bad for her immature worry over why he didn't show.

"So, I take it you don't want that drink tonight." Jai finally said in a somewhat serious tone, though the answer was already obvious. She moved to take a seat on the couch, eyes still watching Cassian attentively as he finally turned to face her. He didn't have to say anything, Jai saw in his expression the confirmation she needed - it wasn't a good night. He was no longer putting up the front he had on down in the hangar as the two stared at each other for another long beat, Cassian hoping that he simply looked tired rather than distraught. But the observant shine in Jai's eyes made it clear to Cassian that he had been figured out.

Jai bit the inside of her cheek, wondering what she should say next - she never was one for serious conversations, especially when she knew the topic was something unideal. She especially wasn't prepared to have one with Cassian, and she wondered why the hell the man let her into his room - he wasn't the type who'd want to share an upsetting conversation with just anyone. Should she just go and leave him be?

"What happened?" Jai heard herself ask without thinking, her brow furrowed in worry. Another long silence stretched out between them; Cassian stared into Jai's eyes for a moment, but eventually looked down at his bare feet, hands resting on his hips as he let out a small sigh.

"It's nothing." He said, his tone nearly convincing - it would have convinced someone else to drop the subject, but Jai could see that this wasn't nothing, and she was never one to immediately give up, especially not with Cassian. Jai nodded while looking away, though she didn't accept his answer. Her eyes fell on the trail of clothes again as she considered.

"Look, I'm shit at this, but… do you need to talk about it?" She turned her gaze back toward Cassian, who was motionless as his tired eyes continued to look at her with reservation. Cassian knew he needed to tell her. Sure, Jai would have heard about this eventually, he already knew the information would make its rounds tomorrow - she should just wait till then. But something about it still nagged at him, something that felt as if it were important for him to discuss it with her now before it was too late. He had to be the one to tell her. it wouldn't be right if she heard it from anyone else, but he didn't know how he'd do it.

Finally, he shook his head slowly, his jaw tight as practiced authority briefly lit his eyes, though it only lingered for a moment. Jai in return gave a disheartened nod, pushing herself back up to her feet as her eyes continued to search Cassian's doleful face, her own worry evident in her expression.

As she took one defeated step towards the door, though, Cassian found himself taking a step forward as well, causing Jai to pause and look back at him. For a moment, Cassian sucked in his lips as he studied the woman's expression. There was yet again another long silence between them as they stared into each other's eyes unblinking.

Finally, Cassian took a deep breath, his voice quiet, "It's Gar."

Immediately, Jai's eyes widened with worry, nearly gasping as she inhaled through her nose - once she started to realize how dire Cassian's mood was, she feared that this was something she wouldn't want to hear, and the dread of that suddenly weighed heavily in her stomach.

If Gar was… Jai didn't even want to think the word. If he was, then that would be the first Rebellion casualty that would leave a mark on her heart. Jai knew others had passed in her six months as a rebel technician, but none of them she knew - though Jai tried to be at the very least friendly with each person that crossed her path, she knew only a sliver of the people on Yavin 4.

She wasn't like Cassian - she didn't feel connected to every single person here, she didn't feel weighed down every time another rebel didn't return home, she didn't let those losses linger. So many had been lost and Jai simply accepted it while moving on, knowing it came with the territory and finding it hard to feel anything when she didn't even know the person.

But Gar? A man who had been a boss and a mentor to her, who had been nearly a brotherly figure as of recent? She almost didn't want to hear what Cassian would say next.

Jai didn't even feel her feet move beneath her as she closed the distance between her and Cassian, pausing only a few inches in front of him as her wide eyes stared up into his. Those dark eyes were practically begging him to not utter what she feared, begging him to say he was just pulling her leg. But Cassian's downcast expression didn't change as he stared back at her.

"We got separated," Cassian started, his voice a dismal monotone, "The Empire got to him and Halu before we could."

Jai's next breath came out shaky, her wide eyes dropping to stare at Cassian's chest, afraid to look into his eyes for fear of losing her composure. Her mouth hung open slightly as she tried to process the information, but she could feel herself trembling as the grief started to creep in. Her hands began to wring at her sides, eyes slowly beginning to water. But tears didn't fall as she tried to blink them away - no, even in her worst moments, Jai had always been good about holding them back, about reeling herself in before she became a complete mess. The last time she cried in front of anyone was the day Tillian died. And just like what happened that day, what happened to Gar was completely out of Jai's control, and that silent mantra is what kept her even slightly stable as she stood here now, even if she knew that stability was only temporary.

Jai found herself warily looking up into Cassian's face again, a part of her desperate to reach out to him, but she continued to stand there stiffly, feeling her body ache suddenly as if she'd just run a marathon, exhausted and ready to collapse.

Cassian, though still obviously feeling that deep disappointment, had had at least some time to accept what happened - the ship ride back to Yavin 4 gave him and his team some time to mourn. As a captain, he had to be the grounding strength for everyone else whenever missions went awry, and having to do that through the years helped him develop his own means of coping with distress. But staring down at Jai as she tried to process the information, dealing with the emotions of a loss one-on-one rather than with a team, threatened to turn his exhaustion back into grief.

Silently, Cassian reached out to set a light hand on Jai's wrist, his pinky barely resting in her palm, but his touch caused her to start in surprise and jerk back from him. Her eyes widened a little as she met his stare, taking in another deep, shuttered breath as she tried to calm herself, holding her arm in her other hand as if Cassian's delicate touch had burned her. Slowly, she turned away and dropped down to sit on Cassian's bed as if she couldn't hold herself up any longer, her shoulders sagging and her head hanging lowly to hide her face from Cassian.

Jai never liked to be touched when she was emotional, ever since she was a kid she shied from it - if someone ever tried to offer her comfort, it often opened up the floodgates, and the last thing she wanted was to be blubbering in anyone's arms. Before she could even think about letting someone comfort her or talk to her about what she was feeling, Jai first had to deal with the pain herself, and if that meant running from the comfort of others, then so be it. And despite that part of her that wanted to reach out, that wanted to cling to the person nearest to her, Jai couldn't bring herself to do it - being so raw and vulnerable in front of anyone else terrified her.

Cassian stared at Jai knowingly, studying her pained expression as he felt his own fatigue from the day rising up again. He hesitated to move, even if it was to walk to his couch or to the seat in his kitchen - he didn't want to startle Jai again. So, once more, he stood stock-still, watching and waiting patiently.

A few long minutes passed in thick silence before Jai suddenly stood and darted into Cassian's refresher with barely any time for him to process that she had jumped up. His concerned eyes lingered on the closed door briefly before he finally started moving again, his knees feeling stiff as he walked to his kitchenette for a glass of water. He sighed as he chugged it down, having not realized how dry his mouth was beginning to feel.

He couldn't have anticipated that he'd feel so awful having to tell Jai what happened - Cassian had dealt with loss through the years, and had dealt with telling others about loss more times than he could count. Though it never necessarily got any easier, Cassian had grown accustomed to being the bearer of bad news, to seeing his fellow rebels mourn. And yet, something about this last time hurt more than it should have, something in Jai's eyes stung unexpectedly when she pulled away from him.

Jai had done something to him, though Cassian couldn't quite say what that was. Some time between their last night alone together and this one, Cassian started to feel something unfamiliar for the woman, and that something made it so much harder to see her broken and despairing, retreating from his touch and hiding on the opposite side of the door from him. Cassian was surprised to find that he wished he could be right there by Jai's side and consoling her as she mourned.

Despite himself, Cassian hated that he had to tell Jai, though he also couldn't have allowed anyone else to tell her. It had to be him, that much he knew, but that only made it somehow hurt more when he watched her face crumble.

Cassian refilled his glass and shuffled back towards his bed, taking a long sip of water once he sat down. His eyes drifted back towards the refresher door as he set the cup aside, feeling a pull to rise back to his feet and check on Jai. But he knew better than to try - he had to leave her be. For all he cared, Jai could keep herself locked up in his refresher all damn night, and he still wouldn't disturb her.

Once Cassian had finished his second glass of water, he looked down at the jacket he had quickly thrown on when Jai knocked at his door, slowly pulling it off of himself and dropping it in the pile of dirty clothes he stripped off earlier, wanting to simply lie back, let out a deep sigh, and close his eyes for a while. But as his gaze lingered on the pile that sat just before the refresher door, he tiredly pushed himself to his feet, knowing he shouldn't leave it there for Jai to accidentally trip over on her way out. He quickly hid all his dirty clothes away and retrieved a fresh tank top, hearing the door open behind him just as he had pulled it over his head.

Cassian turned to look at Jai as he pulled the shirt down his torso, noticing immediately that she wasn't looking at his face but rather at his chest, even if for a split second. Though there were bags under her tired eyes, Jai looked a little more refreshed - he could tell she had been crying and that she tried to clean herself up to hide the evidence of it. Her face and hairline were damp from splashing water onto her skin, and her eyes even had a different quality to them now. Through their tiredness, her eyes looked a little brighter and clearer - maybe she was trying to shove away any pain she was feeling. But her energy, too, had shifted, and Cassian felt a little less rigid than before - he was reminded that this wasn't the first loss Jai had dealt with, and it looked as if she had found a way of coping with the pain life threw at her.

The two stared at one another once more, studying the other's expression thoughtfully. Jai gave Cassian a weak, cagey smile, one that made the sadness in her eyes a touch more obvious - he suspected the look was to reassure herself rather than him. She let out a slight sigh and finally stepped back into the room, slowly approaching Cassian, once more coming to a pause only about a foot in front of him. She looked down while licking her dry lips, her eyes darting back and forth as if she were searching for the words that clearly wanted to leave her mouth.

Her eyes finally met his again through her lashes, "… Thanks for telling me." Her voice was quiet, and Cassian's brows rose a little at the words, "I wouldn't want to hear it from anyone else."

Cassian felt an unexpected stutter in his chest before he spoke slowly, his tone as quiet as hers, "I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to tell you."

Jai gave a slight nod in understanding as she looked down again, her eyes falling onto one of Cassian's hands as his thumb slid across the pads of his fingers edgily. She reached out and grabbed his hand firmly, drawing Cassian's surprised eyes down to their point of contact as well. Neither of them moved for a few long moments until finally Cassian gave Jai's fingers a reassuring squeeze. A faint sad smile ghosted across her lips again as she looked back up at his face, studying his features fondly, and despite how emotional they both were, Cassian nonetheless felt a warmth stir in his chest thanks to the look Jai was giving him.

"Draven wants me to tell your department tomorrow." Cassian started as his eyes returned to linger on their joined hands, "Chase is going to take over as supervisor."

Jai nodded, pushing down the lump that dared to rise in her throat again, "Chase'll be great, Gar trained her well."

Cassian turned his warm eyes back up to Jai's face, surveying her expression carefully as he thought, "Do you want to take tomorrow off?"

"No," she gave him a quick, reassuring smile and a shake of her head, and Cassian wasn't sure if he was imagining it or if Jai did move a touch closer, "I'll be better if I keep busy. I don't need you treating me any different than the rest of the hangar techs."

Her words weren't accusatory but thankful and appreciative that Cassian even asked her the question - if Jai needed evidence that Cassian had any interest in her, that was it. Cassian showing that kind of care to her eliminated any doubt Jai had regarding their friendship.

Jai squeezed Cassian's hand before slowly pulling away, her fingers gliding across his almost as if she didn't want to let go. Cassian's fingers clenched slightly, finding that he suddenly missed her touch. Jai took a single step back, sighing as she looked around the room while in thought.

"I should go." Her tone nearly contradicted her words, as if she disdained to even say them. But she was drained from the news about Gar, and she was certain that Cassian was as well - they both could use some good rest. She took another couple of steps before turning on her heel, and once more Cassian found himself taking a step forward.

"You could stay." Jai's eyes turned back to meet his, a questioning look in them. Cassian's expression was softer than she'd ever seen it, "Maybe we could both use the company."

A contented smile spread across Jai's lips, a warmth rising in her chest that helped to ease some of the pain that had been weighing on her just minutes prior.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Cassian awoke to the sound of blankets ruffling and Jai breathing unevenly. He wasn’t sure what time it was or what time the two had finally fallen asleep, but without checking the clock he was almost certain it was very early morning. Cassian had been a light sleeper almost his entire life, so although Jai’s movements probably would not have disturbed most people, she was just loud enough for his ears to prick up and notice.

Though the room was nearly pitch black, when he turned his head Cassian could tell Jai was still on the couch where he had left her, having not heard her rise from it. He insisted, once he started to see how tired Jai was, that she take his bed, but she just as adamantly argued that his cramped little couch would be fine, seeing as she was shorter so it would be less uncomfortable for her. Though Cassian tried to argue, he knew Jai wouldn’t budge, so at the very least he gave her his good blanket, hoping it would be some comfort to her.

For a minute, he simply lied still listening -- after Jai’s initial movement, which must have been her sitting up and rearranging, she hardly made a sound. If it weren’t for her uneven breathing, Cassian would have suspected that she had fallen back asleep; but those uneven breaths were shaky, as if the loss of Gar was coming right back up and threatening to wear so deeply at her mind that she couldn’t sleep again.

Cassian debated whether or not to say something, whether or not he should sit up and ask if she wanted to talk, wanted some kind of comfort. Maybe she had a nightmare that roused her, and maybe she’d simply want to be left alone; but maybe this time she’d want to talk to him.

As he heard Jai shift around again, as if fighting to find a comfortable position but to no avail, Cassian finally spoke up, his voice thick with sleep, “Jai.”

He heard the slightest of surprised noises escape her, and if he were looking Cassian was sure the startled look on Jai’s face might be mildly comical.

“I’m sorry,” Jai whispered, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Cassian propped himself onto his elbows to look in her direction, though because of the darkness he still could only just make out Jai’s silhouette, “I’m a light sleeper. You alright?”

“Fine…” Her tone wasn’t entirely convincing, but at least she didn’t sound as sad as Cassian feared she would -- she just sounded tired, “Just woke up suddenly. Must’ve been something in my dream, I guess.”

Cassian could see the way Jai slumped down a little, again making a feeble attempt at getting comfortable, “Or maybe your body’s protesting against the couch.”

Jai let out a huffed laugh, rolling her eyes, “My back does suddenly feel like it’s aged a couple of decades.”

Cassian sat upright, and he could feel Jai’s eyes trying to make out his silhouette in the darkness as well. As he grinned at Jai’s response, he stared in her general direction for a couple of moments, “Let’s trade.”

“You think your back will manage any better on this thing?” Her voice sounded humored by the suggestion, “Stay put, Andor.”

Cassian nearly laughed as he started to push himself out of the bed, retrieving his glass from the bedside table while shuffling towards the kitchen, which supplied the one small bit of light into the room from an emergency light that sat on the wall above the bar between the kitchen and the rest of the living space.

“I don’t think I’ll be falling asleep again too soon.” He said while refilling his cup. Turning back to the room, he could make Jai out a little better now that he was closer, and he held the glass in her direction, “Thirsty?”

Without answering, Jai lifted herself off the couch and padded over towards Cassian, circling the bar to retrieve the glass from his outstretched hand while leaning her hip against the counter. Cassian mirrored her position, though he rested some of his weight on his palm atop the bar as well as he stared into her face. Cassian could now make out her features just a little thanks to the faint light and their proximity to one another -- the outlines of her nose and lips, the slight glint of the light reflecting in her eyes. He looked down at her throat as he heard her swallow back nearly the entire glass of water.

Jai felt Cassian watching her far too closely, and yet she didn’t feel as uncomfortable under his gaze as she normally would have. As she set the cup carefully on the counter, she, too, stared up at him, trying to make out as much of his face as possible in the minimal lighting. Silence lingered between them as they stood there, neither having anything to say.

Though he could see her arm move from where it was crossed with the other, Cassian still jumped just slightly when he felt Jai’s hand slide over his, her thumb faintly rubbing circles on the outside of his wrist. He glanced down at their connected hands before finding the glint of her eyes again.

“Thank you, again, Cass.” Just like the first time, the gentle delivery of the unexpected nickname caused a shiver to work it’s way up Cassian’s spine. He hoped Jai didn’t notice.

“There’s nothing to thank me for.” He answered in a similarly quiet tone, tilting his head down slightly; he couldn’t help but feel guilty about what happened to Gar. The expert technician rarely went into the field anymore, but Cassian allowed him to go on this mission because the man showed interest. If Cassian had just told him no, Gar would still be here. Jai had no reason to thank him a second time, let alone the first time from earlier in the evening.

 All of Cassian’s attention briefly focused on where Jai’s thumb still brushed delicately against his skin -- how was it possible that the touch simultaneously calmed him and made his heart beat just a little louder in his ears?

Jai shrugged, attempting to speak jocularly, “You didn’t give me shit about crying in your ‘fresher and you let me stay here -- that’s worth some thanks.”

Cassian couldn’t help the small step forward he took, moving in even closer to Jai than he already was -- something about the dismissiveness of her earlier upset bothered him, “Your feelings are not a joke, Jai.”

 The seriousness of his tone took Jai by surprise, causing her to look up at him curiously, though Cassian couldn’t quite make out the expression in the darkness. He could tell her eyes were burning into him, and he stared right back with just as much weight. He found his mind focusing back on her hand atop his -- Jai’s thumb had already stopped moving, but it felt as if her grip tightened just slightly. In that same moment, Cassian became acutely aware of how close he had moved to her, how he felt an almost static energy bouncing between them. Without her saying so, Cassian knew Jai felt it as well. 

Jai lightly exhaled through her nose, her next words taking Cassian by surprise, “If someone asked me six months ago if I’d ever care about you, Cassian, I would have laughed in their face.”

Jai could see the faint light bounce off of Cassian’s teeth as he smiled unexpectedly at the remark, causing a grin to pull across her own lips. Cassian considered her for just a moment with fondness, “If someone had asked me, I would have done the same thing.”

The admissions caused them both to laugh smally, but it also felt like another spark of static surged between them. They stared at each other for another brief beat before Jai dropped her gaze to the darkness between them, feeling her heart beating far too heavily against her chest. Little did she know that Cassian’s heart was pounding just as quickly.

Did he understand the full weight of the meaning in her confession? Did she? Jai was surprised by her own admission, by the way her heart drummed in her ears, by this sudden need to lean into the man before her. The pull she felt towards Cassian seemed so much more palpable then it had been before, as if she could no longer keep it at bay; Jai knew she was doomed to succumb to that unfamiliar fluttery sensation in her stomach.

She called on her courage that felt as if it were trying to evade her, her voice coming out quieter and even hesitant as she looked up through her lashes, though thanks to the dark Cassian didn’t notice, “… I probably care about you more than I should.”

A weight felt as if it dropped in Cassian’s stomach, the confession seeming to echo between his ears as his heart drummed off-rhythm against his rib cage. His eyes widened in surprise and he stared intensely and unblinkingly at Jai, feeling his free hand twitch with some unfamiliar need to reach towards her, as if he still had to search for something to clarify what her words meant.

He realized then exactly what it was that had been building up inside of him, what these nerves were that only seemed to pop up when Jai was around. Cassian had had an understanding of what he was beginning to feel towards Jai, but in the past he was able to suppress it and shove it aside, to pretend it was unimportant, that it would pass. With the woman in question standing here mere inches before him, owning up to her own feelings, his weren’t quite as easy to ignore.

Cassian dipped his head, hoping it would draw Jai to look back up towards him as he leaned a little closer in search of her gaze. He understood exactly what Jai had meant, and yet he wanted to ask her, to hear the explanation exactly as she meant it to be understood. He wanted to hear it straight from her lips.

Jai continued to stare up at Cassian through her lashes, her stomach knotting when he moved in closer to her. If either of them moved any further, she would be leaning into him, her forehead pressed to his cheek, losing all traces of distance between their bodies. Despite trying to keep herself together, Jai’s breath came out in a waver that she tried to control, and she knew there was no way Cassian could have missed it.

In a brief moment of confidence, Jai slid her hand from it’s spot atop Cassian’s, fingertips slowly gliding over his forearm and securing a grip on his bicep. In the same second that she gave his upper arm a slight squeeze, as if to assure herself that he was really right there in front of her and that this conversation was really happening, Cassian’s hand steadily reached up and found a secure hold at the nape of her neck, his fingers twisting delicately in her dark locks and pulling her head back. For a beat, they breathed in unison, a shared look of yearning in their eyes as Cassian briefly pressed his forehead to Jai’s, giving them both one last moment to consider what was about to happen.

And then their lips met frantically, noses bumping and teeth nearly clashing together, neither certain who moved first as their need for one another took charge. Cassian’s lips were rough against her own, but the sharp taste of him drew a sigh from Jai’s throat, her free hand moving to grip the front of his t-shirt, pulling herself even closer as if he was her oxygen supply. Cassian’s tongue licked across her lower lip in a frenzied response, the heat of her body seeming to engulf him as she drew him nearer, her other hand jumping up to securely rest against his cheek.

Cassian’s arm wrapped around Jai’s narrow waist desperately, his palm pressing her flush against him while the fingers in her hair tightening their grip, twisting a little. An eager sound rumbled in his chest as he slipped his tongue between her lips, tangling with her own heatedly, feeling Jai grab at him with urgency, the scratch of her nails along his torso stirring a second moan from his throat.

As their kiss grew deeper, each feeling drunk off of the other, Cassian pressed forward until he had Jai’s back pinned against the bar, his hands snaking down her body with groping fingers that needed to feel every inch of her, his lips not straying from hers for even a second. When he found a secure grip on her ass, Cassian swiftly lifted Jai up onto the counter, causing a slight moan to escape her as he pressed himself against the warmth between her legs.

Jai’s fingers threaded messily into Cassian’s hair, nails scratching against his scalp as he finally pulled his mouth from hers, Jai gasping for air as he hardly paused for breath before starting to leave open-mouthed kisses along her jaw and down her neck, his teeth scraping hungrily against warm skin. He bit down lightly on the side of Jai’s neck, causing her to gasp and arch her back, the press of her breasts against his chest encouraging Cassian to nibble at her skin again before sucking it between his lips to leave a faint bruise. Jai let out another clipped moan as Cassian’s wandering hands squeezed her ass and pressed her forward against him as he gave a firm roll of his hips. His own shuddered groan muffled against Jai’s collarbone, his breath fiery hot on her skin.

Cassian worked his way back up to Jai’s mouth, nipping at her skin before finally crashing onto Jai’s waiting lips again. One of his hands trailed up her side, giving extra care to press firmly against her breast before continuing up to settle against her cheek, desperate to somehow pull her closer than she already was. Cassian pressed forward hungrily as Jai slipped her slick tongue back into his mouth with a smile pulling at her lips, leaning back under him until she finally let her weight fall onto her elbow. Cassian braced himself on his forearm as he continued to urge Jai down onto her back, the two moaning in unison as he gave another slow roll of his hips against her. As Jai lay flat on the counter, Cassian’s hand pulled away from her cheek, the delicate trailing of his fingers causing a shiver to travel up Jai’s spine as his hand found its way to her own. Jai desperately deepened the kiss as they laced their fingers together, slowly moving their joined hands above Jai’s head.

Their hands bumped into something that they didn’t spare a second thought for until it suddenly crashed down onto the floor, causing Jai to jolt up with a gasp, bumping into Cassian’s forehead before he could pull back from her.

“Shit.” He hissed in surprise, the hand that had been laced with Jai’s now pressed to his forehead. He continued to linger over Jai, the both of them trying to collect themselves and catch their breath, the air red hot between them. They met eyes, their breath mingling, and gently Cassian lowered his forehead to rest against Jai’s delicately, his hand finding a new resting place at the base of her neck.

Despite herself, a pure laugh sprang out of Jai, her amused smile wide as she closed her eyes, nearly embarrassed, “We broke your glass.”

A beaming smile crossed Cassian’s lips as well as he laughed, his nose brushing against Jai’s as he answered breathily, his accent thicker, “Doesn’t matter.”

He leaned forward to brush his lips against Jai’s briefly, pulling back far enough to look into her eyes again, his chest still heaving against hers. Slowly, he pushed himself up, his hands finding a resting place atop Jai’s thighs, his thumbs rubbing slow circles into the fabric of the sweatpants he let her borrow. For a moment longer, Jai stayed on her back, her hands sliding their way up Cassian’s forearms, fingertips pressing firmly into his skin as an eased smile tugged at her lips.

“Come here.” Cassian’s gentle yet commanding tone caused Jai’s middle to tighten with need, just the timbre of his voice alone causing her to let out a yearning sigh. Her hands secured around Cassian’s biceps again and used him as leverage to pull herself up, bringing her nose within centimeters of his as she sat up.

Cassian sighed contentedly, his breath brushing against Jai’s skin as he thought for a few long moments; he couldn’t find the words for any of his thoughts, so instead he pressed his lips tenderly to hers, one of his hands rising to cup her cheek affectionately. Once more, they pressed their foreheads together, mindlessly grazing their fingers along one another’s skin as they tried to collect themselves.

The longer Jai sat here and considered her current position, the more unexpected yet warming it became -- here she was, wrapped around Cassian Andor and feeling so completely at peace enveloped in his touch. She had considered in the past what this would be like, to be close to him and out of breath, to feel his lips against hers, to feel a heat twisting in her abdomen, but those daydreams were nothing like the reality. She had thought they would always remain daydreams, thoughts that passed her by not to be taken too seriously. Getting close to Cassian like this didn’t seem possible, and yet somehow here she was, high on his touch, drunk on his passionate eyes. Cassian, the man who didn’t like to get too close to anyone, whose best friend was a droid, who six months ago had vowed to distrust her… and he was standing here between her legs, his hold on her possessive and in want of more.

She wouldn’t say lucky was the right word, but Jai certainly felt satisfied as she and Cassian remained wrapped around one another.

Cassian finally took a step back from her, his fingers gliding along the top of Jai’s thighs and making her shiver. Her eyes had to readjust to the lack of lighting in the room, but she was sure she could see Cassian grinning fondly at her response to his touch.

His hands found hers as he took another step back, whispering, “Come on,” as he helped Jai hop down from the counter, the broken glass that had fallen to the floor somewhere completely forgotten -- he didn’t care enough to deal with it right now, he’d come back to it in the morning.

Cassian’s fingers lazily tangled with one of Jai’s hands, his eyes straining to find the glass shards on the floor so that neither of them stepped on something sharp. He carefully led Jai out of the kitchen, pausing in his cramped living space with the bed just a step behind him to look back at Jai with a tired smirk. Despite how close they were earlier, she felt her cheeks heat up, feeling the power of his gaze though she could no longer see it in the near-darkness. Cassian lightly tugged on Jai’s hand until she stepped closer, and she could feel Cassian’s free hand just hovering over her face until finally he set it on the base of her neck.

Cassian’s past fears and concerns about Jai crossed his mind as he held her in a comfortable and intimate silence -- he recalled their evening of drinking, when she first managed to send some kind of electric spark through him, when she first made him question the feelings going on inside of him. He had been so afraid to consider them and acknowledge them, because he knew what they meant -- he wanted to get close to someone, get close to her, despite all of his precautions through the years to avoid ever wanting that.

He realized that night two months ago that Jai would be trouble for him, but a completely different kind of trouble than what he had originally projected when they met. She was persistent with him, familiar with him, always making efforts with him -- no one had ever shown that exact combination of traits to him before. Jai had been throwing him for a loop for months now, and somehow she managed to wiggle her way into his heart, somehow slipping past all the emotional safeguards he built up through the years.

Cassian used to be afraid of this feeling. In many ways he still was. And yet, once his lips were on Jai’s, that fear dissolved away, at least temporarily. He wanted -- needed -- to be close to her, yet something in him continued to fear what would happen if he got too close. It was a habit that held him back, the habit of keeping people at arm’s length. But Jai… as much as it scared him, Jai made him want to break the habit and start a new one.

If anyone asked Cassian prior to this evening if he found himself attracted to Jai Tillian, he would have fervently denied it to the point of suspicion.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

                                                  Care [kair]

                                                      noun

a cause or object of concern; serious attention

provision of what is needed for the well-being or protection of a person

                                                      verb

to be concerned; have thought or regard; to have a special preference

to wish; desire; like

[esselley]

Esselle’s 2019 fic masterpost

Happy 2020 everyone! Here’s my yearly round-up of completed fics. I came in at just under 200k words total in 2019 (kinda light compared to past years)! All my completed fics for the various fandoms I wrote for can be found in the list below.

❀ = my favorites/fics I’m especially proud of! ♡ = fic + art with RC!

BNHA

♡ Heights, rated G. KiriDeku. No Quirks. Izuku meets someone new on a snowboarding trip. 1.4k words.

Thaw, G. TodoDeku. Izuku observes as Shouto learns how to fit in after the Sports Festival, with the help of Class 1-A. 2k.

Lightning Bug, T. TodoDeku. Izuku burns so brightly that Shouto sometimes worries; but he knows not to try and contain that light, only let it grow. 2.5k.

❀ Best Friend Get Togethers, T. InaTodoBaku. To improve Katsuki's public image, Shouto comes up with the plan to have him pretend to date Inasa, but the feelings between the three of them are not so fake after all. 16k.

♡  Vacation with a Vampire, E. TodoBaku. Werewolf/Vampire AU. Shouto and Katsuki take an island vacation. Sequel to Bittersweet and Strange. 5.5k.

❀ Because You're Worth It, T. TodoBakuDeku. Zombie AU. Long hair is not the best accessory to have in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. 4k.

Midoriya, Bro, T. KiriDeku. Midoriya has a secret admirer. 1.3k.

Make Trashy Look Good, E. KiriDeku. Instagram Model AU. Izuku is a popular photographer who is just as pretty as his photos, and Eijirou wants a piece. 2k.

Creative Control, T. TodoDeku. Author/publicist AU. How does one respond when the person sitting next to you on a flight hates your latest novel? 2k.

❀ Thanks for Saving Me, E. TodoDeku. Quirkless Izuku AU. Izuku, a quirkless university student, saves his idol and famous pro hero Shouto from a villain attack and suddenly finds himself the center of Shouto's attention. 46k.

❀ Puppies Puppies, T. BakuDeku. Pet Store Owner/Tattoo Artist AU. Katsuki owns a puppy adoption agency, and Izuku is the hot sailor who just rolled into town to work at the tattoo parlor next door. 15k.

Challenge, T. TodoBakuDeku. Biker AU. Pro racer Shouto takes his motorcycle to a small time garage and meets the two mechanics who work there. 1.7k.

According to Plan, T. TodoDeku. Medieval AU. Planning a perfectly smooth royal wedding is damn near impossible. 5.5k.

Good Fortune, T. TodoDeku. Medieval AU. Sequel to According to Plan. 2.3k.

Keep Flying, T. BakuDeku. Hogwarts AU. Katsuki and Izuku tend to a wounded baby Thestral. 1.8k.

Sensory Input, E. TodoBakuDeku. Sci-fi AU. Shouto, a not-quite-robotic spaceship maintenance worker, manages to attract the attention of the ship's gorgeous captain and fiery first officer. 5k.

��� Winter Ready, E. TodoBakuDeku. Katsuki needs opinions on his new winter hero costume. 2.5k.

♡ ❀ Those Blasted Freckles, T. BakuDeku. Regency Era. Bakugou, a talented portrait painter, agrees to give Duke Midoriya painting lessons. 4k.

Bloom, T. TodoBaku. Soulmates. People thought soul bonds had disappeared, but Katsuki and Shouto are about to discover that's not quite true. 4k.

HAIKYUU

♡ The Outlaw of Miyagi, T. KageHina. Medieval/Robin Hood. Hinata may be a legend among men, but he'd be nothing at all without his partner. 5k.

❀ A Haunted Home is a Happy Home, T. IwaOi, KageHina. Medium!Oikawa/Ghost KageHina. Hajime bonds with his adoptive ghost son Tobio. Sequel to The Haunting of Oikawa Tooru. 5.5k.

Open Road, M. KageHina. Speed Demons series. Road trip. 1.7k.

KAZETSUYO

Seize the Chance, T. KakeHai. Haiji thinks someone in Aotake might have a crush on Kakeru. Kakeru has absolutely no idea who it could be. 4.5k.

Is It Enough, E. KakeHai. Hunger/Omegaverse. A pair of ordinary shoes reminds Haiji once again of just how much Kakeru cares for him. 4.3k.

❀ Business as Usual, E. KakeHai. Office AU. Kakeru is way too attracted to Haiji, who happens to be his boss. 7k.

Weak, E. KakeHai. Simply put, Haiji is stunning, and Kakeru wants to take every opportunity to learn him. 4.2k.

Like Home, G. Gen. As the days and weeks and months pass, Kakeru learns what it feels like to belong. 2k.

OTHER FANDOMS

Kimetsu no Yaiba

Squaresville, T. Gen. 50s AU. All Tanjiro wanted was a milkshake at the local malt shop. 2.7k.

❀ fuwafuwa, T. InoTan. ふわふわ (fuwafuwa) can mean several things: 1. Fluffy; soft. 2. Light and airy. 3. The way Tanjiro makes Inosuke feel. 10.3k.

Sword Art Online

Come Home, E. YujiKiri. When Kirito brings Eugeo back from beyond the brink, Eugeo finds it easier to tell him the things he could never say before. 6.7k.

Petals, E. YujiKiri. It's far too early in the morning to be awake on their one day of rest, but Kirito is very hard to resist. 3.1k.

FE3H

Felix Fraldarius Does Not Like Dogs, T. Sylvix. Felix has a hard time convincing Sylvain that he really doesn't like dogs. His feelings for Sylvain, however, are decidedly more complex. 4.1k.

And that’s a wrap! 2019 was a much more multi-fandom year for me, and branching out a bit was really fun! Hoping to continue writing for various things in 2020 (and hopefully, as per my new year’s resolution, some original stuff, too)! 

Thank you for all the continued support, everyone! Lots of love <3

[fanfictionaries]

A Sin Confessed - What’s Old is New Again Challenge

Prompt: “I do everything for a reason. Most of the time the reason is money.” – Ava Gardner

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Original Female Character

Summary: Brenna Wright was not a good person and the blue-eyed stranger that brought old memories to the surface of her mind? Well he was just a job. 

Words: 5.3k

Warnings: Swearing, smut, dark, NSFW/18+ only

Author’s Note: Thank you to @darkficsyouneveraskedfor​ for this lovely challenge and the opportunity for me to explore a darker side of my writing! Also thank you to @justareader​ for checking over my French (I’m a little rusty)! 

I loved writing this and honestly think Brenna might have to be a reoccurring character/this fic might need a part two...Enjoy!

***

Brenna Wright was not a good person. Anyone who thought otherwise was either unfortunately ignorant or foolishly optimistic.

Things that would stop others in their tracks, were as simple as picking out furniture or ordering food at a restaurant for her. It was never a question of whether she should or should not – only the dilemma of who, what and how much. Sure, she had her limits. Every woman did. The only difference being, the limits of most were trivial aspects of pride, egoism, and disillusioned self-respect. Hers were simple – no children and no animals. Therefore, everything else was up for grabs. Theft. Arson. Intimidation. Kidnapping. Torture. Murder. And her personal specialty – bounty. For the right price of course. She wasn’t an idiot. And she sure as hell wasn’t cheap.

Good guys. Bad guys. She’d worked for them all. From those of renowned self-importance all the way down to the lowest of nobodies. She couldn’t care less. As long as she got paid, she did her job. No questions asked.  

“Haven’t seen you for a while,” said the owner of the small corner store. He was an older gentleman, greasy around the edges with a wandering eye that made even her skin crawl. But the store was convenient. It was small, indistinct, and located in the middle of the city. Which meant the area around it was large and busy enough to make someone traveling to it invisible. People often frequented the location when they found themselves in need of discretion. Sure, there were plenty of other shops in the city that fit the same bill, but only this one sold the more…unsavory items. Eventually, the people she was looking for always showed up here.

“I’ve been working,” Brenna replied, hugging the oversized coat around her body and taking a moment to scratch at her arms and the side of her face – imitating the mannerisms of the part she was playing.

Letting out a short, boisterous laugh, the shopkeeper eyed her up and down from her unkept curls to her dirty clothes, and seemingly drugged out appearance, “I’ve got a few ways in mind on how you can make a little extra cash.”

“Il faut tourner sept fois sa langue dans sa bouche avant de parler,” she seethed under her breath, turning from his leering gaze and heading down an aisle. If the man was smart – he’d watch his mouth. But then again, she was only the woman he’d watched dissolve into addiction and mental illness for the past four years. And he was useful. If she killed him, it was unlikely the next owner would be as conveniently idiotic with a streak for the illegal.

Pretending to fiddle with a packet of gum, her eyes darted to the front door. The familiar chime sounded through the air and Brenna kept her eyes low as she covertly checked out the stranger who’d just entered. He was tall and large, his size taking up an impressive amount of space in the tiny shop. His figure, while solid and imposing, held a contrasting lightness to it. The juxtaposition of his heavy density but delicate way in which he stepped intrigued her. Stumbling through the aisles, she made sure to draw enough attention to catch his eye. Reveling when the stranger’s gaze darted to her for the slightest of seconds, she turned to the cooler and began to mumble nonsense under her breath as she used the reflection of the glass to continue watching.

“Can I help you?” the shopkeeper asked, standing taller and squaring his shoulders in a pathetic attempt to make himself seem intimidating. The stranger didn’t seem fazed in the least, stepping up to the counter.

“I need papers,” said the stranger, his voice a soothing gravelly tone.

“Papers?” The shopkeeper feigned an incredulous, dumb expression, “I’m not sure what you mean.”

Brenna rolled her eyes; it was the same every time. Why the man bothered, she had no idea. He always dropped the act after the second inquiry.

“Listen – let’s not waste our time. I know you provide papers, so just take this—” the stranger spoke low and firmly, reaching into his backpack and pulling out a heavy manila folder before slamming it onto the counter “—and do your fucking job.”

Brenna’s eyebrows rose against her will; that was definitely a response she had never heard before. You’d think from the ease in which the stranger handled the situation, he’d been here before – but he hadn’t. She knew that. Even when she wasn’t here, she kept tabs on all her spots. A flash of metallic silver caught her eye. A sliver of metal peeking through the gap between his gloved hand and clothed arm.

Bingo.

Reaching into the cooler and grabbing a forty of malt liquor, she stumbled to the front, pushing herself between the stranger and the tense shopkeeper.

“Listen—” she slurred “—Chessa. I don’t have enough for this today, but I swear, I’ll have the money tomorrow.”

“I’m dealing with a customer here woman, besides you know the rules – no handouts. I’m not running a charity for fucking junkies.”

“Oh, come on, Chessa. You know I’m good for it!” she pleaded, knocking into the stranger and leaning heavily over the counter. “I’m good for the money Chessa. I’m good for it.”

The harsh smack of the back of shopkeeper’s hand to the side of her face made her head snap to the side and her ears ring. The throbbing pain and blood that pooled in her mouth was expected but not the worst she’d ever felt – he hit like a fucking bitch.

“Fuck you!” she exclaimed, reeling back and smashing the glass bottle of liquor onto the laminate flooring before storming out of the shop with the sound of the shopkeeper slinging a disgusting string of abuse following behind.

Walking down the street and turning into an alleyway, she worked her jaw back and forth, spitting the blood that had pooled in her mouth onto the filthy cement.

“Salaud. Un jour, je vais le tuer,” she grumbled to herself, leaning against the damp brick alley wall and waiting. The stranger was definitely her target. That much was true. The opportunity to lean in and confirm that the flash of silver she’d spied was in fact, a full metal arm, almost made getting back handed like a bitch worth it. Almost.

A few minutes later, the stranger, clad in a grubby red Henley and tattered ballcap, walked right past her. People were so predictable. Waiting a beat, she turned out of the alley and began to follow the man at a leisurely pace, mentally noting the small details about him that might be helpful later. Things like how he favored his right side, but still walked with his weight drawn to the left; most likely due to the metal arm. A metal arm – she’d seen it all now. When her employer had briefed her on the job, she’d made a mental note of the unusual characteristic. The way they had described him, extremely dangerous and not to be underestimated, she assumed they wanted her to take him out. But to her surprise, they insisted that he be taken in alive. What made this guy so special? Eyeing the backpack strapped securely around his center and the multipurpose boots laced tightly, she could tell he was ready to run at any moment. The way in which he handled the shopkeeper said he was a man of action – he had no time to fuck around. But there was a reservation to the way in which he did it that made it known he wasn’t desperate either. That was something different from the people she was usually hired to find. Still – he had shown up exactly where she expected him to be. Twice now. He was just as predictable as all the rest. If she was right, he’d turn left any second now.

Just as she predicted, the man took a left turn on the following street. Smirking to herself, she lowered her head and keeping a casual pace, turned the corner as well. However, her confidence was shaken when she found no sight of the stranger upon rounding the corner. Where could he possibly have gone? Speeding up, Brenna scanned the area around her, looking for any signs of the stranger with the metal arm. What was it her employer had said? Do not underestimate him? It was her confusion that kept her from spotting the movement to her left until it was too late. A hand reaching out from the gap between two buildings grabbed her by the collar of her jacket and pulled her into the small space. The section between the two buildings could hardly be called an alleyway – more like an architectural blip as the width was only large enough for herself and an inch of space from where the stranger stood, looking down at her dangerously.

The first thing she noticed was the striking color of his eyes. Impossibly blue. Clear and blue with the slightest mix of green around the iris. It was like looking into a beautiful, crystal clear pond. The thought held reminiscent of another time. Another life. Strong arms, a rich umber color, same as hers, holding her close. A soft breeze. The light chirp of Citril finches high above.

“Why are you following me?” he asked, speaking low and sternly.

Lost in the mixed emotions of his eyes and the memories they produced; she did not answer right away. Instead she stared at him dumbfounded as if she hadn’t done this almost her entire life.

“I’m not going to ask again—” the stranger leaned forward, the hot puff of his breath hitting her face “—why are you following me? Who do you work for?”

Thinking fast on her feet, Brenna found herself taking an approach she never had before. But then, this target was different from any other she’d encountered. He was smart. Smart enough to figure out she was following him in less than ten minutes. Perhaps he knew in the corner shop when she’d bumped into him. Maybe even from the moment he’d walked in. If that were true, then he knew she used disguises, deception, and lies to do her job. She needed a new approach. She needed to intertwine honesty with the lies.

“Hydra. I work for Hydra.”

His grip tightened on the collar of her jacket, a second hand coming up to wrap around her neck. Brenna suppressed the instinctual reaction to fight back. She was working an angle here and based on the strength and the mechanical whirring of the arm that currently held her life in its hand, she knew when she was at a disadvantage.

“Let me guess, they hired you to find me. Take me back?”

She nodded, feeling the grip tighten and her air supply cut off little by little. Every fiber of her being begged for her to fight for her life – to twist and squirm in his grip. Yet, she stayed still; the whole time, never looking away from the intensity of his stare. The secret to a good lie was always in the eyes.

“Well I’m not goin’ back. So, give me one good reason why I shouldn’t snap your neck right now,” the blue-eyed stranger said, looming over her as black spots began to overtake her vision.

“You—” she struggled with the words, her body screaming for the sweet relief of oxygen “—you got out. You got away. How?” Her body, no longer able to remain slack, convulsed, hands flying up claw at the unmoving forearm. Legs kicking out underneath her, she dangled from her neck alone. His hand did not loosen, but the expression on his face softened ever so slightly. A micro-expression of confusion.

“Why do you care?” he asked her, still holding tight to her airway. Either he was unaware of just how close she was to passing out, or he didn’t care. Brenna used every last ounce of her strength to stay conscious. The focus of her eyes went blurry, her head swam, but her answer to his question was surely the answer to her survival as well.

“I want out too.”

When she awoke, the first thing Brenna became aware of was a dry heat and the sound of running water. Opening her eyes, she took in the sight of a small bedroom. It was dirty; wallpaper peeled from the walls in thick, grey strips revealing the rotting plaster behind it. Floorboards covered in dirt and dust, warped and twisted, giving the floor an unusual texture. Across the room sat an old space heater, plugged into a questionable outlet that threatened electrical fire at any moment. It was aimed directly at her body, which was unmistakably absent of the clothes she’d been wearing earlier. Instead, only her panties and undershirt remained. Attempting to roll from the bed, she found herself hindered by an unforgiving pull at her wrists. Looking above her head, she saw her wrists expertly bound to the old, iron headboard. The knot was unyielding as she pulled firmly at it, testing its strength. Her heart rate sped, but she willed herself to stay calm, present, collected. Nothing felt amiss as she took a moment to assess her body. No aches or pains in any place but her neck and face. The water she had heard upon waking up, was now very clearly the sound of a shower running. Eyes scanning the room, she spotted her clothes sitting on an old chair. This wasn’t the worst scenario she had ever found herself in. Montreal would still be the worst. This was nothing. She just needed a plan.

Unfortunately, Brenna was given no time to come up with one. From the other room, the sounds of a squeaky faucet turning and someone shuffling around could be heard. When the stranger appeared from behind the bathroom door, he was dressed once again in the same dark wash jeans, but this time with a fresh, loose fitting t-shirt. His feet were bare, a bold choice in her opinion, but then again, the person in charge of finding him was right there, tied to his bed. His hair hung, wet and tousled, dripping water onto his shoulders and sliding down onto the expanse of his metal arm. In short sleeves, Brenna was able to see the full extent of the appendage. It was more magnificent than she could have imagined. It moved, shifted, twitched like a one of flesh and blood. Yet there is was – an amalgamation of metal, gears, and wires. Shifting her gaze from the mechanical anomaly, she took in the rest of him. He really was quite handsome. Strong jawline, high cheekbones, a nice symmetrical face, a built physique, a little pretty, a little rugged. If she wasn’t worried he would kill her any moment, she’d find the fact that she was tried up in his bed to be exciting. It wasn’t often that she received a job that was so easy on the eyes. And Brenna was never one to pass up opportunistic situations.

“You’re awake,” said the stranger, walking over to the small chair and moving her clothes out of the way before sitting down. The wood groaned under his weight, but he trusted it as he sat down fully. He’d sat in it before – which meant he’d most likely been in this location for longer than a few days.

“And alive,” Brenna responded, staring hard at the man across from her. “Why?”

The blue-eyed stranger took a moment to contemplate the answer, staring through her as he clenched his jaw, “You said you wanted out. I figured if that were even remotely true, I should try to help.”

“That’s quite a bit of generosity for someone who’s running for their life. Savior complex?”

“Heavy conscience. I have a several lifetimes to atone for.” He spoke the words with a burdensome resolution.

“I think you and I both know that there’s no atonement for the things we’ve been forced to do,” she half lied. It was true there was no saving her soul, but no one had forced her to do anything against her will in almost twenty years. The way in which the blue-eyed stranger assessed her, gave her hope that her plan was working. She was building a rapport. However, the part of her that craved danger found itself unable to hold back a flirtatious comment, “But you know what they say – A sin confessed is half forgiven. Care to confess and repent, Blue Eyes? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

He laughed unamusedly, leaning back in the chair and crossing his arms in front of his chest, “I think I’ll pass.”

The crossing of his arms only seemed to fuel the inappropriate attraction she was feeling. His arms and shoulders were so ridiculously large, and it had been so long since she’d had someone…large. Flexing her fingers, Brenna could feel the blood draining from her hands, leaving a tingling feeling behind. Pulling on the restraints she slid herself into a sitting position, “Tell me, Blue Eyes, do you always tie up the women you help?”

“I had to make sure you wouldn’t run away before I decided to trust you. I also needed a shower. Didn’t know when you’d wake up.”

“And my clothes?” Brenna asked him, raising an eyebrow.

“After you passed out, I figured it was best to search you for weapons,” he answered, continuing to stare at her, a bored expression plastered across his face.

“Well you were certainly thorough. Did you have your fill while I was unconscious?”

“That implies that I cared enough to look.”

Brenna smiled, slow and sly as she narrowed her eyes at him, “Pity.”

She couldn’t say for certain, but she could have sworn she saw the corner of his mouth twitch at her comment.

“Well, are you going to untie me, or do I have the pleasure of staying on your bed, half-naked, for the forceable future?”

The blue-eyed stranger stood, stalking towards her as he pulled a knife from his pocket. Brenna’s flinched at the flick of the blade, an instinctual reaction that she could tell made the man pause for a fraction of a second.

“Well, you didn’t have any weapons on your person. Not even a knife. If Hydra had sent you to capture me and you had been serious about doing it, I doubt you’d come empty handed,” he mused, reaching your side and leaning over her grabbing for her wrists.

“Just like that then? You didn’t find anything on me, so you trust me?” A decent amount of skepticism would be expected in a situation like this. A woman looking to get out from under the thumb of Hydra and their dastardly ways. A woman genuinely putting her trust in this stranger.

“You tell me something—” he stared down at her, knife paused against the rope at her wrists “—They must have told you about me when they assigned you to find me. Why in the world would you trust me to save you?” Brenna couldn’t help it, once again she was lost in the strange familiarity of the blue-green depths of his eyes. Like floating in the crisp waters of a memory.  

“I didn’t,” she answered truthfully, fully intending to make up something contrived and pathetic. However, her mouth was speaking before her mind could catch up, iterating the thoughts that flowed through her head. “Not at first. And then I looked in your eyes and knew that I could.”

And she did. If she genuinely was looking to put her trust in someone, it might just be the man in front of her. But she wasn’t looking to trust anyone.

The blue-eyed stranger assessed her for a few more seconds, before pushing his blade through the thick rope as if it was paper thin. At the sweet release of her arms, Brenna brought them to her chest, rubbing at the tender skin as blood began to flow back into the appendages. Upon seeing that he had not stepped away from her, Brenna looked up at the blue-eyed stranger a breath away from her. He looked at her; he was searching for something – but for what she did not know. The truth? Her secret? Her story? Whatever it was, it didn’t matter. He’d never get it.

“Trying to find something, Blue Eyes?” she asked playfully.

He pulled back, as if he had just become aware of his staring in that moment. Shaking his head and stepping back, he gave her space to swing her legs over the edge of the bed.

“Shower’s free if you want one – can’t promise there’ll be a lot of hot water,” he said, turning from her and heading towards the doorway that lead out of the bedroom.

“It’s a shame I didn’t wake up sooner. We could have conserved the hot water by sharing.” Her comment fell on deaf ears as he continued out of the room. Laughing to herself, Brenna stood and entered the bathroom, not bothering to close the door behind her as she turned the water on and stripped from the rest of her clothes. Taking a moment to stare in the mirror above the sink, she assessed the damage to her face and neck. Red and yellow bruising was already making an appearance on her skin across her left cheek bone and in a ring around her neck. Delicately, she traced the handprint that graced the golden-brown skin of her throat. In a few days they would fade, but till then she was marked with the evidence of being bested by her target. Her normally springy, dark brown curls hung limp and frizzy above her shoulders – partly from her own doing to appear the part of ‘down on her luck’, but also from, what she could only assume, the less than careful way she was transported to the apartment she currently resided.

Stepping into the lukewarm water, she reveled in the feel of it running down her body. Eyeing the contents of the shower, she was not surprised to see a lack of conditioner. Picking up the bar of soap, she began to work it over her body, wiping away the grime and dirt. She scrubbed at her nail beds, thoroughly before set the bar down and sighing at the two-in-one shampoo. Her hair would not thank her for it, but she reasoned it was better than the gritty feeling on the surface of her scalp. So, she squeezed a small amount onto the palm of her hand and made special care to keep the product near her scalp only. Standing under the heavy stream, she contemplated what her next move was.

Clearly, she had gained his trust or at the very least did not come off as a threat to him. She could laugh at the thought. Just as much as people were predictable, they were equally narrow-minded and uncreative. Why did everyone always assume that the small were weak or that you needed something as primitive as a knife or a gun to incapacitate a man?  Rolling her head from side to side, she knew that this whole thing could end in a matter of seconds if she wanted it to. She could easily have the man immobilized at her feet and be collecting her money. But where was the fun in that? It was so rare that she found herself in a titillating scenario as the one she was in now. No, it would be so much more satisfying to see how far she could push the ‘kindred broken spirits, looking for a new life and purpose’ thing.

Turning off the water that had long run cold, she pulled the curtain back and stepped out onto the ratted, thread-bare mat. Looking to the open doorway, she found the blue-eyed stranger standing, towel and her folder clothes in his arms. He stood solid and stoic; his face inscrutable as his eyes scanned the line of her body. Like a heavy-handed caress, he followed her hills and valleys from the curve of her full thighs to the peaks of her modest breasts. Sexual tension hung in the space between them like the steam that floated throughout the humid air around her. Stepping lightly across the bathroom floor, she took the towel and clothes from his arms.

“Thank you,” she spoke softly, watching with rapt interest as the man before her appeared to battle with something internally. Presented to him like a feast for the starving, she wondered why he did not partake in tasting the delicacy before him. Was it the heavy conscience he claimed the possess? Or was it something far more trivial – such as the simple issue of consent. People really ought to just take what they want. Rising onto her toes, the towel and clothes dropped to the floor as she wrapped her arms around his neck and brought her full lips to brush against the warmth of his own mouth. Fingers of flesh and metal gripped her naked body as they consumed each other – lips, tongue, and teeth. Pressing her wet form into the hard plane of this body, the blue-eyed stranger groped the ample flesh of her ass tightly as they stumbled in the direction of the bed. Turning him, Brenna used the full force of her strength to push him onto the mattress below her. He fell, willingly, allowing her to climb onto his lap, taking his own wrists in her hands and pinning them above him. Her wet curls hung heavy around her face, dripping the blue-eyed stranger below her, but he didn’t seem to care as he broke from her grasp and reached up to cup the back of her head. He pulled her down, capturing her bottom lips between his teeth.

The control she had was short lived. Distracted by the heat of his kiss, she allowed the blue-eyed stranger to gain the upper hand. Flipping them over so that she lay on her stomach, face pushed into the firm springs of the mattress, he reached around her and massaged the tender flesh of a breast. Arching her back, Brenna pressed her ass firmly into the front of his jeans, rewarded by the rigid length of his cock. Growling low in his throat, he bit down on the junction of her neck and shoulder causing her to cry out. He continued to nip and suck at the sensitive flesh of her shoulder as he braced himself above her, right hand traveling from her breast to the juncture between her legs. Finding the flesh there warm, wet, and ready, he wasted no time in plunging his fingers into her depths. Brenna moaned, low and needy as he stroked her in long, forceful pulls.

Pulling from her completely, Brenna felt empty and wanting. Moving to turn, a hand to the center of her back kept in place as the sounds of shuffling fabric filled her ears. The next thing she knew, she was being filled by the white-hot length of him. Thick and long and raw, he bottomed out in her before pulling out slowly and reentering with similar force. Wrapping his metal arm around her middle and his flesh arm across her chest, he laid his body flush against her as he fucked her. The intimate way in which he took his time, languidly and passionately bringing her towards her crest, contrasted so unbearably well with the rough and filthy fact that he’d rather have her this way – unable to see her face as he entered her and still wearing all his clothes.

It wasn’t long before she could feel the familiar pressure building within her. Nails digging into the flesh of his forearm, Brenna found what little power she could in the movement of her hips. Grinding back against him, they battled for dominance over the pace and angle as they both chased their own release. Never before had she fought for control in bed. Like most things in her life, it was an area she governed – domineering and calling the shots in her own pleasure. However, now, as the blue-eyed stranger plowed into her at a pace he dictated, she found herself panting and whining like a desperate woman asking for permission. What was it about this man that made every facet of her being fade away – replaced only by someone reckless and willing to potentially lose?

A few more thrusts and her orgasm overtook her, leaching the ecstasy from her very bones. The blue-eyed stranger followed quickly, pulling out and spilling on the small of her back. Brenna took a moment to catch her breath as he collapsed beside her. In a surprising act of intimacy, the blue-eyed stranger pulled her into his side, wrapping an arm protectively around her. Looking at the relaxed expression on his face, Brenna couldn’t help but feel as though she should feel guilty. It was unfortunate his peaceful state was about to end. Parting her lips, she reached discretely into her mouth and grasp her front left canine between her thumb and pointer finger. She pulled it with little effort, twisting as she went until she felt the familiar pop. Taking the tooth from her mouth, she revealed the sharp, needle end where the root should be. There was no hesitation in her movements as plunged the metal into the side of his neck, knowing instantly that the tranquilizer was already seeping into his system.

The blue-eyed stranger’s eyes flew open, scrambling away from her as he brought a hand up to the point of entry. A shocked and confused expression washed across his face, and then one of sick realization. Brenna slid from the bed, standing and walking towards her discarded clothes in the bathroom. The stranger tried to follow her, falling pathetically to the floor as his legs gave way underneath him. She dressed quickly, reaching into the pocket of her coat and pulling out an old, burner phone – something he had apparently deemed nonthreatening. She snapped a picture of him, lying there helplessly, staring at her with betrayal in his blue-green eyes.

Texting the proof of a job well done to her employer, along with the words “It’s done. Come and get him.”—incase the picture wasn’t clear enough, she discarded of the phone out the window, no longer in need of it.

“They should be here soon. Try to keep it together until then – wouldn’t want you choking on your own tongue, now would I?” she remarked, heading towards the door.

“Why?” The words stopped her. She supposed he deserved an answer.

Turning around, she sauntered over to him and crouched down on the balls of her feet. She took his handsome face in her hand, squeezing his jaw between her fingers as she stared into the depths of his for the last time. Why indeed. She could have plunged that needle into his neck at any moment. So why had she decided to do it this way?

Tonguing the empty space within her upper row of teeth, she took a moment to ponder the answer before speaking, “I do everything for a reason. Most of the time the reason is money. But you, Blue Eyes? You were more personal. I did you…for me.”

Marvel Taglist: 

@caffiend-queen 

@hidden-behind-the-fourth-wall

@grincheveryday

[purkinje-effect]

The Anatomy of Melancholy, 59

Table of Contents. Second Instar, Chapter 26. Go to previous. Go to next. TW: Body horror, nightmare sequence, unreality, incongruous chronology. Self-absorbed.

Lol, we haven’t had a flashback episode yet in Second Instar, have we? Have fun, ‘cause ‘Choly’s not. In the future this becomes another installment in ‘Choly’s Rexford Press Originals. (:

_________________________________

As he muddled through prescription fulfillment, Carey looked over his shoulder yet again. He saw the customer he anticipated finally entered the drugstore, and hastily finished up his current order. The thirty-some man he’d called earlier that morning had dusty blond side-parted hair, and stood as short as Carey, but seemed more sawed off than grown that way. Owing to the nature of the medication, as the head chemist, only he could take the customer. He pulled the pencil box size prescription carton from the cage, and confirmed it did in fact indicate it was for ‘Sal Mendez.’ He watched Angel busying itself in the front end straightening aisles, and waited until Sal was next in line before hopping onto the other register to wave him over. Mentally unable to set down the box on the counter, he kept it in both hands.

“Apologies, again, Mister Mendez, how it took weeks to get this filled. Calmex is one of the most rationed chems in the country at the moment.”

“I know. I know. But it. I talked to my doc.” Sal frowned to himself, and repeatedly smoothed at his short sleeve silk button down shirt as he eyed the various hard candies at the front counter at length. He eventually looked up at his chemist with a crumpled resignation. “The Milque wasn’t cutting it. You... you sure you don’t need it more? You look peaked, Doc.”

Carey glanced down, at the lab coat tossed over his favorite ochre jumpsuit, the cobalt scarf tucked like a cravat into his collar, and his navy oxfords. He lingered on the unfamiliar braces on both wrists and both ankles, but readily dismissed their explanation as unimportant. What mattered was that he didn’t look the part of his vocation, and a head chemist had to command reassurance and reliability. It was one thing to be haggard, but another altogether if he looked it. Well, that just wouldn’t do! He thought to what Hawthorne could usually put his hands on pretty quick, and weighed his choices against what he thought Sal might find most useful. With a big, wide grin, he straightened and patted at the Milquetoast display on the counter.

“Milquetoast is completely and totally safe. Fantastic for insomnia, shakes and nerves, headaches, nausea, you name it. But... I wouldn’t recommend using it alongside this prescription. Or with alcohol, were you to have access to any.” He leaned in and turned off his customer service voice, to discuss the consultation more privately. “I’ll see what I can do about getting you some Day Tripper, if you can water me down. I’ll even take moonshine at this point, Sal. Between you and me, I thought I was done having this war effort kill me inside-out.”

Sal’s jaw dropped a moment before he, too, leaned in with a nervous smile.

“For you, Mister Carey, I will find you something very nice. Really, though. Should I be worried? To take this? My doctor said it’s tranquilizer. She explained it all to me, but that was weeks ago...”

“Alan!”

Gretchen Nordstern didn’t seem all that gangling from where she sat on the far counter in a Peter Pan collar tea dress with the confidence to match a pair of trousers, chewing a lit cigarillo and taking notes against her lap with the phone receiver wedged between her shoulder and cheek. Her low, dark bun wore a colorful crocheted snood.

“You’ve spent half an hour with that client.” She didn’t have to look up to impose, waving him off with her free hand. “Let Mary and Trudy handle front end already.”

Carey hemmed a spell, unsure how that could be true. But he didn’t want to question his boss. He stared off in her direction as he addressed Sal.

“I, I’m sorry, Mister Mendez. I’ve got others to see to. If you’ve any questions...”

When he turned to his customer, he trailed off. Sal had vanished.

Gretchen shoved into his hands a letterhead with a handful of scripts. He stuttered, glancing it over. Med-X. Clarimentin. Immunoluxe. His eyes glazed over the usual orders until he encountered the words Psycho (Cyclomorphine Chloride). His heart hiccuped, and his eyes briefly lost focus.

“Wh-- Gretchen, please. Please. Please tell me this is some kind of-- How did this-- How did-- It’s on the--” He cleared his throat and whet his lips, but it didn’t help. He shakily pointed to the line on her invoice. “How is this on the market, ma’am.”

“Don’t be such a worrywort. It’s government approved. It underwent rigorous testing before it hit the market. What could possibly be wrong with the stuff!”

He couldn’t argue without breaching military confidentiality. Walden Drugs had to make ends meet somehow, right? And if whoever was getting the Psycho had a prescription for it, at the very least they’d be taking it under a physician’s supervision. He knew the dwindling prescription numbers didn’t mean people weren’t getting sick or injured less often: it meant more people were dying. Between the malcontent of the Canadian annexation, the endless crisis against the Chinese causing the deepest economic depression the country had ever suffered, and the mounting volume of riots taking place on home soil, the United States teetered on a second Civil War. And yet, these factors didn’t explicate in his mind why people had begun to drop like flies as of late.

Usually hear from Jacob by now.

He frowned as he dialed the Lexington branch to call in the Psycho prescription order, and got to completing the invoice Gretchen had given him. He and Jacob had planned that morning to have lunch together at the malt shop. He decided to go check on him and Sal. He hung up his lab coat in the mudroom, and waved to his coworkers to let the two ladies know he’d be stepping out.

“Angel, I’m going on break.”

“Right along, then, Sir!”

The Mister Handy followed at his side.

He popped his head into the small bed and breakfast across the way, wedged between the Wright’s Inn at the corner opposite the drugstore, and the bookstore further down. When he didn’t see Sal, he approached the check-in and asked after him of the young attendant in a chignon and sheath dress. She indicated no one had seen him since the morning. He declined her offer to take a message for him, shook his head, thanked her, and left.

It sat uneasy with him, but he chalked it up to still feeling awful about the local call for cyclomorphine. Nothing that he wanted as far away from him as possible ever stayed very far away for long.

Once a Pick-R-Up passed, he jaywalked with Angel to the hardware store at the corner. Only a few customers loitered, some genuinely lost without advice from an employee, others genuinely considering unattended theft. He got to the foot of the employees-only stairwell, but stopped short of scaling it. His gut quivered.

“Angel, be a dear. Pop up and see if you can find Jacob.”

“Certainly!” It came back quickly. “Not a soul on the roof, Sir.”

He frowned and gestured that they leave. His leg felt tight and stiff, but he shrugged it off.

Hm. Was I limping earlier? No, I’ve had this limp a long time already.

On his way back down the street, Carey glanced in the windows of the malt shop. Jacob wasn’t there either, nor Sal. Jacob’s car was still parked outside the hardware store. The repairman was disinclined to go anywhere on foot all that much if he could avoid it, so Carey doubted his roommate had gone home for lunch without saying anything about it. He gave up on the idea of malt shop food, as he preferred to share it. Instead, he sat down across the street from the drugstore, on the Wright’s Inn’s spacious porch, with a Nuka Cherry from their vending machine and an order of three arancini from Piretti’s Bakery. Sometimes the texture of the rice balls reminded him of ezhiki, and he got a bit homesick.

I should just stick to Melancholia. There’s only one flavor of toska to it.

He noticed the construction sounds in front of the municipal plutonium well had ceased. He glanced up with his mouth full to see there were no workers in the street. He supposed it was their lunchtime, too. When he finished eating, he required Angel’s help to stand again.

Am I starting to feel my age, or am I just that full?

He returned to work. Once he had on his coat again and come back out to the front end, he saw some kids poorly picking the lock on the adult care case. He side-eyed Angel, who handed him the keys. Spinning the wrist coil on a finger, he strolled up with confidence that belied his limp.

“Hey there, gentlemen! Looking to buy some No-Gesta today, I see. A fine choice in preventative care!”

The boys sputtered in embarrassment at being caught trying to shoplift. Angel simply hovered behind them to cut off their back escape route out of the drugstore, while Carey withdrew an entire case of product. They followed the veteran in service uniform speechlessly to the counter. The older one scrambled through his pockets along the way, desperate to figure out if he even had enough to buy what they’d intended to steal.

“I’ll tell you what!” the chemist announced--in his stress of recognizing he’d put on the wrong white coat, a little too loudly--though they seemed largely alone all the same. “They’re usually fifteen dollars each, but if you buy six, I’ll give ‘em to you for seventy-five.”

“Gee, that’s awful generous of you,” the older one started, urging the younger one to play along, so as to curb the possibility Carey might call the police on them. “Bruce, you wanna go in on this with me fifty-fifty?”

“Only if that’s the only thing-- never mind. Lemme count how much I got.” He produced a fistful of wadded papers Carey could tell weren’t money. “I’ve got twenty-eight bucks. What about you, Jeb?”

“Thirteen. Awful.”

Carey smiled with a twisted, cool benevolence as he set two out of the case and nudged what was left toward the boys.

“How about just four, then. Hm?” He wagged an eyebrow and held out his upturned palm expectantly. They uncertainly exchanged all their cash for the prophylactic kits with entendred packaging which resembled an exclamation point but reminded of something else entirely. He tucked them into a paper bag and folded it off lackadaisically, then handed it to them. “Off you are, then!”

Mary walked up soon after he shooed off the boys. The older squared, thick woman, in a pencil dress and cardigan, held a hand to her mouth to hush herself, aghast.

“You sold No-Gesta to some high schoolers?”

“You’d rather they have stolen it?” He shrugged at her. “Age means nothing whether someone needs that sort of care. They’ll copulate, whether or not they can get things like No-Gesta--and wouldn’t you rather they did so safely?” He tucked the vaguely paper-like wad into the register, and his glasses dipped off his nose, caught from falling by his eyeglass chain. “Besides, a sale’s a sale, and customers get scarce.”

Why haven’t I been more worried where everybody’s gotten off to?

He looked out to find Jacob’s car had been left, abandoned and askew, run up onto the sidewalk. Like it was, morning of the bombs. The cognitive disconnect insisted he had no idea what he could have meant. He slipped his glasses back in place.

“Hey, Angel...” He cleared his throat. “Have you-- Have you seen Jacob?”

“What a silly question, Sir! Just look down!”

He did, and succumbed to fever, short breath, and sweats. His legs writhed, granular, tumescent, and grotesque, more like a filariasis than the countless bodies he knew comprised them. The tightness and swelling paralyzed him from the waist down, and kept him upright in substitute of bones or any meaningful ligature. He identified Duchesne among the clumped, corpuscular rivulets, and choked up.

He looked up. Gretchen, Mary, and Trudy were nowhere to be seen.

He didn’t have to look down again to understand he’d soaked them up as well. He dry heaved, to no effect. Desperate to reach help from someone, anyone, he tried to walk to the phone at the other end of the counter, only to fall after a single step. And he continued falling, into himself, having become an infinite labyrinth of flesh, a Klein bottle of grief.

Concord’s empty because I subsumed everyone. He cried, slipping through narrow, trembling corridors of sopping tissue. I’m the sole survivor of Vault 111 because I stole survival opportunity from them all. I stole this from my customers and coworkers. From my neighbors. From Jacob. Everyone gave their lives, so I could keep living.

And for what!

Go to Next »»»

[elita-t-blog]

Bicentennial, 14-Aug-2019

Last Wednesday’s chapter meeting saw me scrambling to find something I could wear to fit the theme. The Executive Committee threw up some pretty cool ideas and I also went to Google images for Singapore’s fashion in the past. Originally I thought I would dress up as a Ma Jie, servant/ nanny that were common in the wealthier households in the early 20th century Singapore.

But the lack of time and of course last minute planning, saw me heading to Chinatown the morning of the chapter meeting. Chinatown is a stone’s throw away from my office. I mapped out my schedule and route that morning: go to Chinatown, drop stuff in office, go for my lunch appointment, go back office then go to chapter meeting. 

A few things went right, while a couple went unplanned. 

First, the things that went right, in fact, should I say kindda cool? (and I don’t mean the weather): The trip to Chinatown got me wandering around the market and beyond. After I got the pyjamas (not quite like the ones I had in mind) I went looking for red wooden clogs that people in those days wore.

And then I stumbled upon a row of shops selling curios. This was at   just outside the market. As I had a little more time to spare, I ventured down that row of shops imagining myself as a tourist despite the fact that I was in office wear carrying my heavy bag and briefcase. I did not find the wooden clogs, but I found Da Zhong Guo (the famous old style mooncakes shop), a couple more confectionery shops (I bought my favourite malt biscuits “pong piah” $2 for pack of 3 at one of them), a serene looking tea shop, a calligraphy and chinese seals, and a shop selling all sorts of ointments. 

The Tea Shop

In the end, I had no time to go office to drop off my briefcase and stuff but I had some time to spare and I badly needed a drink and a place to cool off from the sweltering heat. I ended up at McDonald’s and bought myself a coke while I deliberated on what to do about the wooden clogs. I tried searching on Google for shops that might sell the clogs. Then an idea popped into my head: “Try Carousell”. And true enough, I found them red wooden clogs! And they were a real steal at $15 for 3 pairs. I quickly messaged the seller and to my relief her sister was able to meet up with me in a couple of hours’ time. I couldn’t believe my luck. 

The “Pong Piah” 

Pictures from the Chapter Meeting:

Enjoying myself as I had no roles that night....

Next: The Unplanned

[rebelstreetclothing]

https://rebelstreetclothing.com/blogs/news/every-man-should-date-a-goth-girl

She changed my life in ways she could fathom, although I don't have any idea who that eighth grader was.

It was I was introduced to a particular -- Fashion? Lifestyle? Fetish? -- that's since become my greatest aesthetic quirk. All men have a kind -- a few are into your regular breastaurant waitress mold, others are to the tatted up neo-pin-up template, and many others are all about the artsy-fartsy nerd chic -- and it was here, I assume, that I developed mine: the all-American goth chick.

Now, at the moment, we did not call them "goths." In actuality, we did have an term of both genders, who wore three pounds of eyeliner everyday and wore all donned spiky jewellery. Some called them "the other children," some called them "skaters" (which none of them possessed skateboards, apparently, meant very little) but by and large, the other students called them as either "the freaks" or "the weirdos." The rest of the kids before Columbine -- were terrified. Rumors spread that They did needle drugs and hung out together on the weekends and practiced magic charms. While blaring Marilyn Manson they chainsawed hobos behind Costco to passing. Granted, the worst items they actually did was smoke cigarettes away from the movie theater and perhaps shoplift a couple of malt liquors, but they embraced the paranoia and dread the other pupils fostered for them. In a way, it made them over the junior high totem, which makes them a more effective caste system force than even the preppiest of preps.

And there was something about that I discovered inherently attractive. I found them alluring, while everybody found the women to be terrifying. Others believed their morbid, sadsack dispositions was the turnoff, but I thought it strangely entranced.

She was the first crush of my own adolescence. Even now, I've no hint what her name was, but I won't ever forget seeing her at the bus stop for the first time. Curling her auburn coif out of her eyes -- showing a pair of peppers outlined in what I presumed was an whole bottle of dollar store lashes -- she smiled a sinister smile and asked me, with the playful lunacy of Harley Quinn, "what you staring at, curly?"



I never reacted. But each time she saw me in the hallway, she would take me that half-playful, half-evil smile and say something along the lines of "hello, curled, how you doing?" I guess she thought she was freaking me, but deep down, I adored the focus (god knows, she was the only girl in the sixth grade who ever acknowledged my life.) Forget tans, forget the blindingly blonde hair and forget that all too dull "girl next door" look -- I was eternally enamored by the women who seemed more Morticia Addams compared to Christina Aguilera.

During high school and college, I more or less homed in on each of the pale girls who wore Invader Zim tops and loathed their parents. Really, my very first makeout was having a woman wearing a literal pentagram on her brow and I had been introduced to the joys of carnal pleasure with a young woman whose whole makeup chest was full of nothing but novelty Halloween lipsticks and nail polishes. Throughout these relationship sojourns, I discovered a seldom spoken truth concerning the "goth girl" motif/stereotype. Actually, I soon learned that there are really five genuses of goth woman, each with her Own idiosyncratic quirks:

THE RICH, SUBURBAN GOTH -- Her father makes $150,000 a year and her mother lets her spend $500 at a time on naturally Hot Topics buys (usually, Hello Kitty-branded lip gloss and anime-inspired belt buckles.) Really, she likes to wear a lot, although she claims to be a poetic soul. She's at least three Nightmare Before Christmas posters in her room along with the heaviest ring she listens to is AFI.

THE POOR, ANTI-SOCIAL GOTH -- She lives in a trailer park, works part-time in the local grocery store or hole in the wall restaurant (usually on the rear of the home -- they do not want her spider tattoos creeping out the clients) and has attempted at least 80 percent of all of the drugs known to man. The only thing in her handbag are the cigarettes at 7-Eleven, a few wadded bills and a switchblade. She will break up, if she does not have at least one felony on her record.

THE ARTISANAL GOTH -- She gets good grades, she is most likely the best actress in the theatre department and she spends her evenings studying Dante's Inferno from the original Italian, as it is more atmospheric like that. Her dream is to obtain a art endowment to produce the world's biggest ball of sculpture.

THE FASHIONISTA GOTH -- She's hyper-concerned about her looks. You absolutely can't leave the home till she has her winged eyeliner down. Every day she paints her nails and she makes at least one visit to Ulta. From the time she graduates college, she is usually evolved into a "health goth" or abandoned the aesthetics entirely for a new lifestyle that allots for pink and yellow wardrobe options.

THE UNKEMPT GOTH -- The reverse of this fashionista goth. She apparently just wants to kiss you shortly after she sucked down a Camel cigarette or peeled off her lips her dragon-shaped bong. Her jewelry is pewter, she farts in public and she spends at least half of their afternoon playing League of Legends. She like the poor goth, except sans the penchant for criminality. After all, to do so you must get up off the couch.

Yeah, sometimes you get a mix of three or two of these, but by and large? Each subset has its advantages and disadvantages, its flaws and benefits, something to admire and love and something to detest and hate. And men, I think you owe it yourself to experience all five of those sub-goths before you get your bachelor's degree. Why? Because goth women -- for better or worse -- represent the most varied range of feminine character types. While some are pretentious and -- ironically -- stuck-up some are cool. They will make you laugh, they will make you cry, they will make you think notions that are existential that are profound and they will -- by design, perhaps -- make you want to kill yourself. Even as fleeting, transitory relationships, they offer you something to consider about both the fairer sex and that what you are as an individual. You date nothing but club women or cheerleaders or nerds for a year, and you won't learn any nobler truths. Spend a year dating only goth women, however, and an whole cosmos of previously unrevealed knowledge befalls you. Hell, you may even find one which is just the ideal match, and who knows?

But maybe the biggest motive to date goth women even though you're a young dude? Because, to put it simply, existing at age 25 stops. They're professionals today, and they must terraform themselves to that dull, staid, office drone appearance. Adios blouse with sayonara eggplant eyeshadow and the shoulder pads. The ring comes out, the Doc Martens proceed the Cureshirts and the thrift shop are locked away never to see the light of day. You can always locate a bubbly cheerleader or artsy geek kind when you're 30 and 40. But the red-blooded goth? You have got up until your senior year in school, and that is pretty much your last opportunity to land one your own age.

For those of you have been pursuing a darker kind? Bear in mind, the clock is running out, and the sands of time are falling by a lot. And you don't need to visit your grave not knowing what it is like to make out with a woman wearing lipstick to midnight, do you?

Rebel Street Clothing

[ayellowbirds]

Keshet Rewatches All of Scooby-Doo, Pt. 18: "Nowhere to Hyde"

("Scooby-Doo, Where Are You", Season 2 Episode 1. Original Airdate: 9/12/1970)

AKA, "The First One With a Song"

The episode opens on a nighttime view of the "Movart Collection", a display of expensive jewelry highlighting large gemstones. At the window, a ghoulish face appears, casing the joint. He slides open the window, steals a single enormous pendant, effortlessly climbs down the wall, and makes his escape as a police officer catches sight:

THE GHOST OF HYDE!

So, that's one of the oddities we're dealing with, in this episode, in this world of Scooby-Doo. It's the convention of fictional worlds that other works of fiction are real within them; Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is not a well-known novella by Robert Louis Stevenson, but a fact of history.

The scene cuts to a malt shop, where the Mystery Machine is parked, and the Ghost of Hyde opens the back doors and sneaks inside. Fred, that terrible driver, has no sense of security, and has left the van unlocked.

Meanwhile, the gang have just received their orders. Five double-fudge sundaes, one with a pickle on top for Shaggy. After Fred says that they enjoyed the magic show at the high school (mind, not a confirmation that they have been going to classes, but merely that they attended an event there), Scooby declares that he wants to demonstrate his own magic trick: a disappearing act where he swaps Shaggy's ice cream from its bowl and onto his own sundae, and eats it in one go.

I will remind you that chocolate is fatal for dogs. But Scooby is clearly something other than a dog, so i suppose that's okay. For whatever reason, Shaggy’s pickle-on-top is also consistently drawn as a pickled pepper, and i can’t decide whether that makes this more or less appetizing.

The gang wrap things up, and settle into the Mystery Machine, driving who-knows-where as Fred takes a “creepy shortcut”. Unfortunately, the heater is busted, so Scooby reaches back for a beach blanket...

...which happens to be the hiding place of the ghost. As he rears up with a ghastly grin, the gang flip out, and stop the van to run and hide as the creep makes his escape. Velma recognizes him from the papers as the Ghost of Hyde, and the gang follow him to an old house. Shaggy’s not bothered at all by the situation, no.

I’d say “you don’t know where those have been,” but you know exactly where those have been, and that makes this worse. Y’all just walked through a swamp.

A fall through a trap door puts the gang inside a laboratory belonging to one Dr. Jekyll, who enters and discovers them hiding. He explains that, after a test of a “vitamin formula you only have to take once in your life”, he started blacking out and awakening under circumstances that convinced him he was taking after his ancestor and turning into Mr. Hyde... the ghost of Mr. Hyde!

Danny Phantom, he ain’t.

The gang are convinced something’s fishy, because the mud on Dr. Jekyll’s shoes is dry, which makes no sense if he just transformed from the Ghost of Hyde, who was running through the marshlands near the house. The begin to investigate, with Shaggy and Scooby checking out the attic.

There’s a great gag where Scooby draws his paw across a particularly large web framed between some pieces of wood, and it produces a sound like the scales of a harp. Seconds later, Shaggy opens a “creepy old chest” to discover it’s full of live bats, though how they got in there will forever remain a mystery.

The bats are drawn even more adorably than usual. Investigating the rest of the chest’s contents suggests that “somebody around here must’ve been in show biz”, as it’s full of pieces of costumes. More investigation of the attic doesn’t go very far before the boys catch sight of a spooky shadow, and start to run around in a panic, trying different doors.

Scooby opens one to reveal... another, smaller door. Which hides another, behind which is yet another, which conceals one last tiny, tiny door.

A mouse exits the door on its hind legs, squeaks angrily at Scooby while shaking a fist, and slams the door behind. We don’t have time to process the utter absurdity of this comedic non-sequitur (by which i mean, it’s a completely random gag that does not flow organically from the characters or situation and feels shoehorned into the episode for the sake of slapstick, there wasn’t even a second door visible in earlier shots) before the shadow reappears, and Scooby and Shaggy huddle together in a trembling panic.

Except it’s only Helga, the housekeeper. She assumes they’re “friends of the doctor”, with an air of disdain in her surprisingly pleasant and youthful voice—for a cartoon of the era, the way she’s drawn and the name she’s given would suggest an older voice. Her voice actress, Susan Steward, would also be involved in the writing of several songs in episodes later this season.

Helga complains that the boys “have made a mess of the attic, just after I finished cleaning it,” and begins to dust.

In contrast with the mouse door, it’s a gag that flows from the situation and characters: Scooby and Shaggy’s unease with “creepy” environments, the decrepit appearance of the house, and the air of mystery all combine to make it amusing while also adding to the idea of Helga as a suspect.

Meanwhile, the rest of the gang have found something in the fireplace, a scrap of old newspaper that it looked like someone was trying to burn.

To be honest, while this makes Helga’s youthful, teen-like voice all the more dissonant, i want to draw your attention to the smudged “writing” at the very bottom. Part of that looks like it could say, “ON MONDAY”, but there’s even more that is not recognizable as even fragments of Latin letters. There’s a triangle, and a sort of [-] shape. These sorts of glyphs are so typical of newspapers and other on-screen writing not meant to be read, that i have to wonder about who was responsible for them. Was there a standard set of non-letters, or was it made up as they went along?

While Fred, Daphne, and Velma wonder about why someone who specializes in unassisted climbing of walls would be working as a maid in a place like this, the boys are busy in the Doctor’s library.

The episode does a lot to convince you that Helga is the Ghost of Hyde, but let’s be honest, that bookshelf settles Dr. Jekyll as the culprit without a doubt. We see books on Snakes, Plastic Surgery, Ogres, Medicine, Lizards, Plato, Marquis de Saude (sic), Biology, Murders in the Rue Morgue (obscured above by Shaggy), Chemistry, Dracula Manual, a Hundred and One Ghosts and Ghouls, Vipers, History of Make-Up, Origin of Species, and Bats. So, various works of horror, books on stereotypically “creepy” animals, and several more on outright monsters as well as a couple on changing your appearance.

Shaggy doesn’t have time to contemplate the obvious clues the  background artists are providing, however, as the Ghost of Hyde is, well, hiding behind the first book he pulls. As they run and hide, the boys try a deception of hiding inside a broken television and playing at being actors on-screen, including a regrettable bit of Shaggy as a 19th century soldier and Scooby as a native complete with feathered headband. The deception doesn’t last, but their flight leads to another “clue”, as Velma insists that Hyde couldn’t have been Jekyll, since she and the others just saw him in his study—and Scooby finds a feather duster, pair of muddy shoes, and green jacket hidden on a fold-out ironing board in the basement.

As the rest of the gang follow the clues and investigate Helga’s room—finding a can of phosphorous paint (an absolutely nonsense “clue”, since the ghost never glows visibly) and a bottle of “knockout drops”—Shaggy waits outside and raids a bowl of fruit. Freddy, Velma, Daphne are convinced they’ve solved the mystery, but Shaggy interrupts...

...and the Ghost of Hyde snatches him from behind! While the gang hunt the house to rescue him, Shaggy finds himself strapped to a table in the basement, where the madly laughing Hyde gestures to a book to indicate he plans to use the Doctor’s chemicals to turn Shaggy into a frog. Or, as Shaggy puts it, “croak me”. 

He screams the series title in despair, and so begins the very first musical chase scene! “Recipe for My Love”, a performance credited to George A. Robertson, Jr., who also sang the new opening theme and was better-known for his musical career as Austin Roberts.

As Shaggy and Scooby crash back into the house, Freddy wonders why the Ghost was after Shaggy in the first place, when the rest of the gang was holding all the clues.

The others shrug it off, concluding that “the Ghost of Hyde is a 24-carat phony” (what????) and that they know who he really is.

A 24-carat phony? Did that line make sense in the Seventies?

The boys bait Hyde, luring him to pull apart a curtain, which reveals... another Ghost of Hyde! 

Fleeing, he encounters another, with an oddly high-pitched laugh, and a peculiarly petite one who offers a familiar-sounding “boo!” before he runs in terror, screaming about GHOSTS! Velma, Daphne, and Fred remove their Hyde masks in triumph as they watch the original run back towards the very same trap door that caught them when they first arrived, sending the Ghost of Hyde crashing down into...

THE FIRST TRAP THAT EVER WORKED RIGHT

But there’s still a twist. “If our calculations are right, it should be Helga, the housemaid,” Velma says, as smugly as possible

Well, you win some, you lose some.

Fred explains that the Doctor’s repeated failures in utter unscientific nonsense led him to turn to a life of crime, hastily coming up with the idea of framing his maid and coming up with fake clues while hiding the genuine ones—the suction cups he used for wall-crawling, which Helga wouldn’t have needed.

As the episode ends without commentary on the fact that, while this Dr. Jekyll faked his transformation, there was apparently an actual historic Mr. Hyde, the culprit sulks, his head hung in shame.

There will be no “meddling kids”. Will there ever?

(like what i’m doing here? It’s not what pays the bills, so i’d really appreciate it if you could send me a bit at my paypal.me or via my ko-fi. Click here to see more entries in this series of posts, or here to go in chronological order)

[nwbeerguide]

Crux Fermentation Project reminds you to try their Freakcake and Gated Community

As one of the few breweries in the Pacific Northwest with a breathtaking view of the Cascade Mountain Range, Crux Fermentation Project has remained a destination brewery for skiers, hikers, snowboarders, kayakers, and pretty much anyone who’s adopted a recreation. Maybe that's the reason the brewery is always so full. Or maybe it's because the brewery continues to put quality over quantity and pay more attention to what it's loyal drinkers want instead of what everyone else is drinking. To that end, we are happy to remind you about some recent releases at the brewery. And it begins with something called Freakcake.

We’ve taught an old brown new tricks. The brunette hue is derived from roasted Belgian aromatic malts, and fruity esters are augmented by lemon and orange zest. For a further twist, a Brettanomyces induced secondary fermentation flecked with tart cherries, dates, cranberries, currants, and figs makes for a slightly sour ale. Want something even freakier? Lock it up in a cool dark place for a few years and see what happens.

image courtesy Crux Fermentation Project

As someone that was present at the brewery, when this beer was released, we can tell you it pairs well with a charcuterie plate littered with various cheeses, thinly-sliced aged meats, olives, and dried fruits. Or if you want something fun, try this with a wild green salad, dusted with dried fruit, walnuts, ricotta cheese or blue cheese, and some light vinaigrette dressing.

image courtesy Crux Fermentation Project

Following up on Freakcake, the brewery has released a Brut IPA for those looking for something less hazy on these Wintery nights.

This all-new take on the IPA is sure to tickle your fancy. Citra & Galaxy hops contribute the tropical juicy goodness while an extended mashing process reduces the residual sweetness. The result is an unexpected sip that finishes nice and clean, leaving you thirsty for more.

What's fun about this beer is that this is a series of beers from the brewery, with each edition being swapped for something different. Which means that you should track this beer down before it disappears (around May) and is replaced by Lawn Party Golden Ale, Vicky's Gone Troppo (an IPA with Vic Secret Australian hops, released in September).

Good hunting.

More about Crux Fermentation Project

Founded by Larry Sidor, Dave Wilson and Paul Evers, Crux Fermentation Project opened its garage doors on June 30, 2012. But it didn’t happen overnight and we didn’t do it alone.

Built in 1988, our building was originally a Munnell & Sherill Mill Supply, an integral part of Bend’s history as a timber empire. In 1999, Dave Beezely bought the building and it was converted to an AAMCO transmission shop. In 2011, we found the building and began yet another transformation.

We bought used equipment from friends in the brewing business. The bulk of our brewing equipment came from a defunct Japanese brewpub, arriving in pieces we had to reassemble, clean and polish, with the help of friends and family. Then, brewmaster Larry spent months beneath the brewdeck working with plumbers and welders.

The interior, furnishings and fixtures at Crux are mostly reclaimed or recycled, as our way of paying homage to the building’s industrial history—and as our way of channeling the creative energy of a community of beer lovers.

Crux was a labor of love. To all of you who contributed ideas, materials, sweat and support to the project (and are represented on the wall of paper portraits), THANK YOU.

– Larry & Paul

from News - The Northwest Beer Guide http://bit.ly/2EM6Kf9

[beertengoku]

{:en}Travelling into Nagoya is perhaps one of my favourite trips. Everything you want to access is immediately around you – no changing of trains to get from the station into the city centre (Shin-Yokohama), no walking around to get away from the ominous building (Kyoto), and no buses needed to get to the actual city (Kanazawa!). And with Nagoya, it’s impossible to avoid the Yanagibashi area of Nagoya, both in terms of history and drinking.

The Yanagibashi market is open from early in the morning, supplying local restaurants and bars fresh produce, and also local citizens, looking for the freshest fish that have been brought into the port. The market has been around since the beginning of the Meiji era (around 1868). In the mornings, the market used to be full of hustle and bustle; however, as time has moved on, and supermarkets have taken over the roles of these individual shops, the area started to become dilapidated.

Enter in Sakaya Okadaya, which opened back in the 1920s during the Taisho era,  one of the few remaining sake bottle shops in the market. Located at the northern end of Yanagibashi Market, the shop has a varied selection of sake, wines, and also craft beer for sale, while also working as a distributor for bars in the area too. The parent company of numerous bars in the area has allowed Sakaya Okadaya to be able to dip their toes into opening craft beer bars in the Nagoya area.

The first bar, Craft Beer Keg Nagoya, opened in 2009 and was the first craft beer bar dedicated to domestic beer after Beer Circus, the taproom for another local brewery, Morita Kinshachi, closed back in the late 00s, due to a lack of demand for local craft beers. 2009 is also another important year as locals have deemed it to be the start of craft beer in Nagoya – a bold claim to make, but seeing as how numerous bars have opened since then, it’s hard to disagree with them.

Yet, the Yanagibashi area failed to see any benefit from this sudden uptake of domestic craft beer. The president of Sakaya Okadaya, Yamamoto Yasuhiro, grew up in the local area surrounding the market; however, seeing it change over time, he knew that something had to be done to rejuvenate the market. Seeing the crowds though in the evening frequenting the local bars led to the idea of opening a brewery – a first for the centre of Nagoya.

With the market playing such an important part of Yamamoto-san’s growing up, it was only natural for the area to play a huge role in the brewery. However, it was decided that rather than opening a brewery – mainly due to the area of land needed and also the financial demands from the outset – a brewpub would better suit the area. As an homage to the area, the brewpub was named Y Market Brewing and opened in March 2014.

Kachi-san, the head brewer at Y Market Brewing, was supposed to be off work on the day we went; however, what was supposed to have been a quick drop in to pick up some beers for a baseball game, (he’s a fervent Yomiuri Giants fan), ended up being a chat with Nakanishi-san as well about the aspects of brewing. Both Kachi-san and Nakanishi-san have a long and storied history with craft beer in Japan. Kachi-san started out at Kisoji Beer, which unfortunately closed in 2018, and Nakanishi-san began brewing at Ise Kadoya, still going strong in 2019. However, neither of their journeys into brewing were as straightforward as they make out to be.

Kachi-san began his adventures into craft beer overseas in Canada, and not in Japan. He was studying as an exchange student, but found himself to be running out of money and in need of more – studying overseas is a very expensive method of learning. Picking up a job at a local bar meant more money and also more access to locally made beers, rather than the big macro beers. It was also in Canada that Kachi-san also met Luc “Bim” Lafontaine, the famed Canadian brewer with over 20 years experience, with who has had experience in Dieu du Ciel (Canada) and also in Japan at Ushitora, and now owns his own brewery, Godspeed back in Canada. Lafontaine convinced Kachi-san to spend some money to begin homebrewing and a brewer was born.

Nakanishi-san started out at Ise Kadoya beer, one of the oldest craft beer breweries in Japan, working there until March 2014. His brewing history, while not as traditional as Kachi-san, started out in high school while classes in biology piqued his interest in fermentation – something that is the norm rather than the exception in countryside schools. Unlike universities and schools overseas, no Japanese universities offer brewing courses to potential brewers as none of them possess the requisite brewing license needed to legally brew beer. Nakanishi-san managed to find an opening in 1999 and then followed the “traditional” role of brewers in Japan – working and studying on the job, becoming head brewer in 1999. However, when Y Market came calling, he knew it was a chance for him to carry on with his learning of foreign styles of beers, in particular, American beers.

With the two brewers on board, and the brewpub ready to go, the whole application for the initial brewing was relatively painless. The original plan was for a 500 liter system, but a a brewery in Tottori had recently closed, so a 1000l system was purchased and is still used to this day. Kachi-san and Nakanishi-san began brewing beers that they wanted to drink, with Yamamoto-san giving them free reign – which has paid off for both parties.Y Market Brewing started out with pale ales and IPAs – both of which are heavily American influenced – so much so that predominantly American hops are used in the beers.

Both brewers were in firm agreement when it came to the kinds of beers that they wanted to make – ones that have drinkability. Beers can be high or low in terms of alcohol, hops, or malt, but they have to be drinkable – and not just one or two, but numerous times. The repeat beers that you can easily drink and come back for more. While there are some stalwarts among the Y Market Brewing lineup, for example the Sky Pale Ale series, the limited editions and seasonals are usually made from ideas the pair share and want to try.

The naming behind the beers isn’t as random as some of the names appear to be. The Sky Pale Ale series all contain a colour – Purple Sky Pale Ale, Yellow Sky Pale Ale, Orange Sky Pale Ale and so on, all stem from experiences that the pair have shared. The Purple Sky Pale Ale comes from some cloud system that Kachi-san experienced in Canada – thick, dark clouds along with some hot and humid weather, while Yellow Sky Pale Ale reminds them of the yuzu, better known as a Japanese citron, while the Orange Sky Pale Ale, as you’ve already probably guessed by now, reminds them of the orange colour found in the unknown fire rumoured to be seen in Kyushu called a “shiranui”.

In 2015, Y Market Brewing began to bottle some of their more popular beers as an experiment to see if there was a demand for them. However, in the small brewpub space, the bottling capability was low and Y Market Brewing enlisted the help of Gotemba Kogen, in Shizuoka, to help brew and bottle some of their beers. As the popularity of Y Market increased though, the 1000l started to hinder, rather than help the growth of Y Market Brewing. At maximum capacity throughout the week, and beers selling at times faster than they could make the beers, there was a need to open a new brewery.

In November 2018, Y Market Brewing opened up their new brewery in the northern part of Nagoya city, about 8kms from the city centre in a small industry area just north of the River Shin. The brewery has a much larger capacity with over 30kl available for fermentation and also 3 bright beer tanks too. The system itself also incorporates equipment that would be more common in an American brewery rather than your usual Japanese brewery, with a whirlpool tank (used for imparting more hop flavours after boiling and during cooling the beers), four hop rockets in succession (at the time of writing the most in Japan for a single brewery), and also a portable hop tornado, made famous by Sierra Nevada.

In 2019, Y Market Brewing moved from bottling their beers to canning their beers – a process that should see them continue to expand. ⅓ of every 3500 liter batch goes into canning, with the rest going to kegging for sales to bars across Japan. This new brewery though hasn’t meant the closure of the original brewery in the taproom. Beers that are popular are brewed on the much larger system and test brews are made on the taproom system. If the beers become popular, such as the Lupulin Nectar or the La Mosique, then they will be canned for future sales.

The move to canning hasn’t been easy. If you’ve picked up, or seen the cans, their simply coloured label on the side wasn’t a deliberate design process. The main issue faced with canning the beers was that the original label used on the can was made on a film that would end up crushing the can when it was heat shrunk to fit the can. As such, the label idea came in; however, Nakanishi-san did joke about what colours would come next as they use more and more of them up on the labels. Both Kachi-san and Nakanishi-san are interested in collaborations with both domestic and overseas breweries too with Cascade, Culmination, 50/50, and Heretic have been done or in the process of being planned.

Y Market Brewing have come a long way in a short amount of time, with good reason. Two brewers at the helm who are clear about their goals, with a president entrusting them with full control – a rarity in the business minded environment of Japan. Next time you’re in a craft beer bar and see Y Market Brewing, remember that it all started out because someone believed craft beer could save a small area of a city.{:}{:ja}名古屋への旅行は恐らくお気に入りの旅行の一つである。アクセスしたいすべてのものがすぐ近くにある。駅から市内中心部（新横浜）に行くための電車の乗り換え、不気味な建物（京都）から逃げるために歩き回り、実際の都市（金沢！）に行くためにバスに乗る必要はない。そして名古屋では、歴史と飲酒の両方の観点から、柳橋エリアは外せない。

柳橋市場は早朝から開いており、地元の飲食店やバーに新鮮な食材を供給し、地元の人々も港に運ばれた新鮮な魚を探している。市場は明治初期（1868年頃）からある。市場の朝は、かつては活気があったが、時が経つにつれて、スーパーマーケットがこれらの個人商店にとって代わるようになり、このエリアは廃れていってしまった。

大正時代の1920年代にオープンした、市場に残る数少ない酒屋の一つである「酒の岡田屋」に入っていく。柳橋市場の北端に位置するこの店では、さまざまな種類の日本酒、ワイン、クラフトビールを販売しており、この地域のバーの販売店としても営業している。このエリアの多くのバーの親会社は、酒の岡田屋が名古屋地区にクラフトビールバーをオープンすることを許可した。

クラフトビール ケグ ナゴヤは、2009年にオープンした国内ビール専用の最初のクラフトビールバーである。地元の別の醸造所である盛田金しゃちのタップルーム、地元���ラフトビールの需要が足りなかったために2000年代後半に閉店したビアサーカスの後にオープンした。2009年は地元の人たちが名古屋でクラフトビールの始まりだと思ったもう1つの重要な年である。これは大胆な主張だが、それ以来多くのバーがオープンしていると見ていると、否定はできない。

しかし、柳橋エリアは国内クラフトビールの突然の取り込みによる利益を得ていなかった。

酒の岡田屋の社長、ヤマモトヤスヒロさんは、市場を取り巻くこの地域で育った。しかし、時間の経過とともに変化するのを見て、市場を活性化するために何かしなければならないと悟ったのだ。日が暮れると地元のバーに頻繁に出入りする人混みを見て、名古屋の中心部で初めて醸造所を開くというアイデアに至った。

ヤマモトさんの成長にとって市場が重要な役割を果たしているため、この地域が醸造所で大きな役割を果たしているのは当然のことだった。しかし、醸造所を開設するよりも、主に必要な土地の面積と最初からの経済的要求のために、ブルーパブがその地域に適していると判断された。その土地へのオマージュとして、そのブルーパブはワイ（Y）マーケットブルーイングと名付けられ、2014年3月にオープンした。

カチさんは、ワイマーケットブルーイングの醸造責任者で、我々が訪問する日はお休みの予定だった。しかし、野球の試合のためにビールを買いに少し立ち寄るつもりだったものが、ナカニシさん（読売ジャイアンツの熱烈なファン）も一緒に醸造の側面について談笑することになった。

カチさんもナカニシさんも日本のクラフトビールにまつわる歴史は長い。

カチさんは、惜しまれつつも2018年に閉店した木曽路ビールを開業し、ナカニシさんは伊勢角屋で醸造を始めて、2019年も引き続き好調である。しかし醸造への道のりはどちらも、それほど順調だったわけではない。

カチさんがクラフトビールの世界に飛び込んだのは、日本ではなくカナダだった。彼は交換留学生として勉強していたが、お金が足りず、さらに必要だということに気付いた。海外留学は、とても高額な勉強方法である。地元のバーで仕事を見つけることは、大きなマクロビールではなく、より多くのお金が手に入り、地元で作られたビールと接することができる。また、カナダでは、カチさんは20年以上の経験を持つ有名なカナダの醸造家であるリュック・ビム・ラフォンテーヌと出会い、デュー・デュ・シエル（カナダ）と、うしとら（日本）での経験があり、現在はカナダに戻って自身の醸造所「ゴッドスピード」を所有している。ラフォンテーヌはカチさんに自家醸造を始めることにお金を費やすよう説得し、一人の醸造者が誕生した。

2人の醸造者が加わり、ブルーパブの準備が整ったため、最初の醸造の申請全体は比較的苦労しなかった。当初の予定は500ℓの設備だったが、鳥取のある醸造所が当時閉業したばかりだったので、1000ℓの設備を購入し、今日まで使用している。ヤマモトさんは自由な決済権を2人に与えていたので、カチさんとナカニシさんは自分たちが飲みたいと思うビールの醸造を始めた。ワイマーケットブルーイングは、ペールエールとIPAからスタートした。両方ともアメリカの影響を強く受け、そのビールにはアメリカ産ホップがふんだんに使用された。

二人の醸造者は、ドリンカビリティ（飽きずに飲み続けられるか）のあるビールを作りたいということに関しては、しっかりと合意していた。ビールは、アルコール、ホップ、またはモルトの点で高くても低くもなるが、何度も飲めるものでなければならない。しかも1回や2回だけではなく、何回もである。飲みやすいビールほど、何度も飲みたくなるものだ。スカイペールエールシリーズなど、ワイマーケットブルーイングのラインナップの中にはいくつかの確固たる存在があるが、限定版と季節品はたいていこのペアがシェアし、試してみたいというアイデアから産まれたものである。

ビールの名前の付け方は、いくつかの名前が表しているようにランダムではない。スカイペールエールシリーズは、パープルスカイペールエール、イエロースカイペールエール、オレンジスカイペールエールなど、すべて色が含まれている。すべては二人が共有した経験に由来している。パープルスカイペールエールは、カチさんがカナダで経験した高温多湿の天候に加えて、濃くて暗い雲の雲系に由来している。イエローペールエールは、日本のシトロンとして知られる柚子を思い出させる。オレンジペールエールは、既に推測できたかもしれないが、「不知火（しらぬい）」と呼ばれる九州で見られると噂されている未知の炎のオレンジ色を思い出させるのである。

2015年にワイマーケットブルーイングは、需要があるかどうかを確認するための実験として、人気のあるビールのいくつかを瓶詰めし始めた。しかしブルーパブの小さい空間では瓶詰めする能力が低いので、ワイマーケットブルーイングは静岡の御殿場高原に、ビールの醸造と瓶詰めを手伝ってもらった。しかしワイマーケットの人気が高まるにつれて、1000ℓがワイマーケットブルーイングの成長を助けるのではなく、妨げになっていった。一週間の最大生産キャパシティでも、作るよりも早くビールが売れていくため、新しい醸造所を開く必要があった。

2018年11月、ワイマーケットブルーイングは名古屋の街の中心から北に約8㎞離れた新川の北にある小さな工業地帯に、新しい醸造所をオープンした。醸造所の容量ははるかに大きく、30 キロℓ以上の発酵と3つの明るいビールタンクも使用可能である。システム自体も、通常の日本の醸造所ではなくアメリカの醸造所の一般的な設備を備えており、ワールプールタンク（沸騰後およびビールの冷却中により多くのホップフレーバーを与えるために使用）、連なった4つのホップロケット（単一の醸造所では執筆時の日本最大）、およびシエラネバダによって有名になったポータブルホップトルネードもある。

2019年、ワイマーケットブルーイングはビールの瓶詰めから缶詰めへ、拡大し続けるプロセスに移行した。3500ℓバッチの3分の1が缶詰めへ、残りが日本中のバーへの販売のための樽詰めに回される。ただしこの新しい醸造所ができたことで、タップルームにある元の醸造所をクローズするということではない。人気のあるビールは大きなシステムで醸造され、テスト醸造はタップルームシステムで行われる。Lupulin NectarやLa Mosiqueなどのビールが人気になった場合、これらは将来の販売のために缶詰めされる。

缶詰めへの移行は簡単ではなかった。缶を手に取って見てみると、側面のシンプルな色のラベルは意図的な設計プロセスではなかった。ビール缶で直面した主な課題は、缶に使用される元のラベルはフィルムの上に生成され、それが缶にフィットするように熱収縮されたときに缶が押しつぶされてしまうことだった。そのため、ラベルのアイデアが生まれたのだ。しかし、ナカニシさんは、ラベルで使用する色がどんどん増えるので、次にどんな色が来るのかと冗談を交えながら話した。

カチさんもナカニシさんも、Cascade、Culmination、50/50、Hereticなどの国内および海外の醸造所とのコラボレーションに興味があり、現在計画中で、既に行われたものもある。

ワイマーケットブルーイングは、良い理由によって、短期間で大きな進歩を遂げた。実権を握っている2人の醸造者が目標を明確にし、社長が彼らに完全なコントロールを任せている。これは日本のビジネス志向の環境では珍しいことなのだ。次にクラフトビールバーを訪れてワイマーケットブルーイングを見かけたときは、クラフトビールが街の小さなエリアを救うと信じた人によってすべてが始まったことを覚えておくべきだろう。{:}

Y Market Brewing Interview with Kachi-san and Nakanishi-san・ワイマーケットブルーイングインタビュー #craftbeer #beer #クラフトビール #地ビール #ビール {:en}Travelling into Nagoya is perhaps one of my favourite trips. Everything you want to access is immediately around you - no changing of trains to get from the station into the city centre (Shin-Yokohama), no walking around to get away from the ominous building (Kyoto), and no buses needed to get to the actual city (Kanazawa!).

[florahecate]

Read More 30 Weird But Totally Amazing Food Pairings

The following post 30 Weird But Totally Amazing Food Pairings is republished from Eat This Not That by Meghan De Maria

Sure, you know apple slices taste delicious with a bit of cheese, or that chocolate and peanut butter are a match made in heaven. But there are plenty of people who swear by, shall we say, less traditional weird food combinations.

Even with some of the tried-and-true factors, like the fact that salty foods go so well with sweet ones, some of these food combinations are truly next-level. But they all work, as long as you’re willing to try something new. Here are some of the weirdest—and most loved—food combinations out there. Hey, don’t knock ’em ’til you try ’em.

1

Ice Cream and Fries

If you’ve made a face when your friends dipped fries into a Wendy’s Frosty or McFlurry, it turns out they were onto something. This takes the combination of salty and sweet to the next level. Because in addition to the flavors, you’re also mixing the heat of a fresh box of fries with the coldness of the ice cream. Salty, sweet, hot, and cold all at the same time—what’s not to love? There’s no way of telling what brave soul first tried this combination. But we’re thankful for it, whoever they are.

Still not convinced this is a flavor people actually enjoy? Just ask Coolhaus! The brand sells a pint of “Milkshake & Fries” ice cream that includes bits of fries, along with malt balls, blended into vanilla ice cream.

2

Chocolate and Avocado

We’re not just talking about adding a piece of chocolate to your morning avocado toast, although that does sound delicious. Avocado’s creamy, buttery texture naturally lends itself to chocolate-flavored recipes, of which there are many to choose from. Dip your toes into the flavor combination with a creamy avocado and chocolate milkshake, which features cacao powder and a quarter avocado.

3

Olive Oil and Ice Cream

If you haven’t tried it, you might be hesitant about this combination, but plenty of people swear by it. For a true salty-sweet combo, try adding a drizzle of olive oil and a few sea salt flakes to vanilla ice cream. You won’t regret it.

Another option is to try olive oil gelato if your local scoop shop offers it. But if you’re able to assemble the olive oil sundae yourself, you might be surprised to find you enjoy the taste after all.

4

Coca-Cola and Chicken

Recipes for “Cola chicken” are so abundant that Coca-Cola itself even has one on its website. While most people are more familiar with the soda in its drinkable form, there’s apparently something to be said for frying chicken in it, too. If you think about it, it is still a salty-sweet combo. And it’s not really much weirder than other sweet meat flavorings, like teriyaki or sweet barbecue sauce.

5

Strawberries and Balsamic

Strawberries and balsamic vinegar are an age-old Italian combination that works surprisingly well. As Plated explained, the savory balsamic flavor makes strawberries taste even more sweet, complementing their already-juicy nature. Intrigued? Try this grilled strawberry shortcake recipe to give the strawberry-balsamic combination a try.

6

Cheddar Cheese and Apple Pie

Fresh apples and cheese slices are a common combination, so it was only a matter of time before the cheese idea hit apple pie, too. As Atlas Obscura reported, the tradition of adding cheese to apple pie seems to have originated in England, and it’s been going on for centuries. The outlet posits that today, cheddar-topped apple pie is more popular in dairy-producing regions of the United States like the Midwest and New England.

If you want to try out this trend, you don’t have to throw a yellow slice on top of the next slice of pie you eat. Try baking cheddar into your pie crust to test out this intriguing combo.

7

Peanut Butter and a Burger

While many of the options on this list rely on salty-sweet combinations, this is more of a salt and more salt situation. Apparently, adding melted peanut butter when forming beef patties will make them juicier. For an even more daring take on the combo, try adding Thai peanut sauce to your next burger for an unforgettable flavor combination.

8

Chocolate and Chips

If you’ve ever poured a box of M&Ms right into your popcorn at the movie theater, this one’s for you. The salty-sweet combination is just delicious—there’s a reason chocolate-covered potato chips are a thing. Lay’s first released its chocolate-covered potato chips in 2013, but the pairing goes back way further than that. (If you’d rather stick to dipping your Lay’s in French onion dip, though, we don’t blame you.)

9

Banana and Bacon

While the true origins of this combo aren’t clear, it’s long been attributed, along with peanut butter, to Elvis Presley. There’s the sweet, carb-heavy banana, paired with creamy peanut butter and salty bacon, an unlikely but delicious trio perfect for sandwich-making.

10

Proscuitto and Melon

Combining salty and sweet flavors can be as simple as enjoying a bit of meat with fresh fruit. This Italian classic is perfect for a snack on a hot summer day. You can wrap the prosciutto around melon slices, or just eat the two side by side.

11

Peanut Butter and Pickle Sandwiches

The New York Times caught a lot of flak for suggesting readers add peas into their guacamole, but the paper also caused a bit of controversy with this peanut butter and pickle sandwich suggestion. For pickle lovers, there’s not much the tart flavor can’t improve, and peanut butter is sturdy enough to withstand the pickle juice without the sandwich falling apart. Or, as the Times put it, “The vinegary snap of the pickles tempers the unctuousness of the peanut butter, and it’s an unusual pantry sandwich for when luncheon meats leave you cold.”

12

Chicken and Pickle Brine

At this point, we’ve already conceded to frying chicken in Coca-Cola—and compared to that, chicken in pickle brine sounds downright normal. Supposedly, Chick-Fil-A cooks its chicken in pickle brine, which could explain why the fast-food chain has so many devotees. The pickle brine keeps the meat juicy, without overpowering its natural flavor.

13

Pizza and Ranch Dressing

A school cafeteria classic, this tried-and-true combination really hits the spot. The tangy ranch complements the tomato sauce perfectly—you wouldn’t think it would work, but it does.

As The New York Times reported, the pizza and ranch combination seems to have started when Domino’s offered ranch dressing alongside its wings in 1994. Endeavoring customers used the dressing for their pizzas, not just the wings, and the trend caught on.

14

Ketchup and Ranch Dressing

The orange-hued dressing that comes from mixing ketchup and ranch is so popular that Heinz is now making bottled “Kranch”. The dressing sounds like it would be good on anything from fries to sandwiches to salads. And you can always mix your own at home.

15

Blueberries and Steak

Google “blueberries and steak,” and you’ll find plenty of recipes for blueberry-based sauces to add to your filet. The fruit is sweet, but not too sweet, and it won’t overpower the meat’s flavor. If making your own steak sauce sounds too complicated, start off with a blueberry steak salad.

RELATED: The easy way to make healthier comfort foods.

16

Watermelon and Salt

If you haven’t tried this combo, you might think that salt would dry out the watermelon’s watery, sweet flavor. However, the opposite is true. As with many of the other savory-sweet combos on this list, a pinch of salt will actually enhance the flavor of the watermelon’s natural sweetness. And as HuffPost explained, the salt actually makes the watermelon taste less bitter, too.

17

Pickles and Ice Cream

Supposedly, this is a common pregnancy craving—there’s even a pregnancy-focused cookbook called Pickles and Ice Cream. As Slate explained, there was even an episode of I Love Lucy where a pregnant Lucy dipped a pickle into a papaya milkshake while she was pregnant. (If you thought it was weird to dip French fries into a Frosty, imagine this concoction.) Of course, you don’t have to be pregnant if you want to try this combination on your own. No judgment here!

18

Bloody Mary and Steak

We don’t just mean ordering the two items together at brunch this weekend. No, there are plenty of recipes for combining the two items, with the Bloody Mary serving as a sort of marinade for the meat. Once you try this Bloody Mary skirt steak recipe, you’ll be a convert. It’s not clear what endeavoring brunch-lover first had the creative marinade idea, but you’ll be thanking them once you’ve tried it.

19

Strawberry and Basil

If you’ve opened your mind to the possibility of combining strawberries and balsamic vinegar, strawberries and basil are just as winning a pair. The combination is delicious in drinks like lemonade, but there are plenty of recipes that combine the fruit and the herb, too. Whether you want to try a strawberry basil compote to top your desserts or a strawberry basil frozen yogurt recipe that stands on its own, the two of them really do pair well together.

20

Mango and Chili Powder

Spicy food lovers might be interested in adding a sweet element to their next heat-filled dish. As this recipe for a chili-mango chicken stir-fry will show you, adding sweet elements into a spicy dish only makes the flavor more delicious. Adding hot sauce to mango is a Mexican standby, and once you’ve tried it, you’ll understand the appeal.

21

Sesame and Chocolate

You might think of sesame seeds as the topping for to-go Chinese food or the buns from McDonald’s. But sesame is wonderfully versatile, and there’s a reason there are plenty of recipes for sesame and chocolate desserts. From black sesame truffles to sesame chocolate chip cookies, this is a simple but delicious flavor pairing you didn’t know you needed. Even Lindt makes a sesame chocolate bar!

22

Peanut Butter and Bacon

As with the banana and bacon combo, it looks like Elvis really was on to something. Even if you don’t include the banana in the combination, the contrasting smoothness of peanut butter and crunchiness of bacon really do elevate the experience of eating them together.

23

Sriracha and Peanut Butter

If you’re bored of the same-old PB&J, meet PB&S. Sriracha has that sweet aftertaste without the sugar overload that jams can bring. Plus, the peanut butter will help cut some of the sriracha’s spiciness. You don’t have to use a fancy recipe with this combination, either: Just load up a sandwich with both sriracha and peanut butter.

24

French Fries and Honey

If you want to add a bit of sweetness to your fries without a full-on serving of ice cream, honey can do the trick. Its sweet flavor goes perfectly with fast food’s salty goodness—there’s a reason McDonald’s offers honey among its chicken nugget dipping options.

25

Honey and Pizza

In a similar vein, honey makes an unexpectedly delicious pizza topping. Hot honey, in particular, is a delicious offset to the salt overload that comes with meat toppings like pepperoni. There’s a reason Emily in New York City has a cult following for their Colony pizza, which combines honey, pepperoni cups, and peppers for a sensory overload.

26

Hot Sauce and Ice Cream

If topping ice cream with olive oil is old hat for you, why not step it up a notch? Milk is a standard go-to for people trying to get that spicy taste out of their mouths, so this seems like the next step, in a way. If you’re feeling really adventurous, you could even make your own sriracha ice cream.

27

Green Apple and Salsa

Fruits like pineapple and mango are perfect in salsa, so why wouldn’t green apples be? Their tart flavor is perfect for spicy recipes, offsetting some of the heat while adding a tangy taste to the mix.

28

Miso and Butternut Squash

If you’ve only had the seasoning in the soup that comes at a Japanese steakhouse, you’re really missing out. Roasting butternut squash with miso or adding the seasoning to butternut squash soup adds a rich umami flavor to the sweet taste of the squash.

29

Watermelon and Feta

Feta is the star of the classic Greek salad, but it’s just as delicious when paired with fruit. Its dense texture makes it the perfect way to add more flavor to a juicy watermelon salad. Add in mint, and you’re good to go.

30

Peanut Butter and Mayo

This unlikely sandwich combo has a surprising number of fans. The Southern tradition came about in the Depression, but it’s stuck around for years, especially in those Southern states. While it may have been created out of lack of resources, the sandwich has stuck around thanks to its ability to meld two distinct flavors into one filling meal.

Now, are you brave enough to try out any of these unlikely treats?

The post 30 Weird But Totally Amazing Food Pairings appeared first on Eat This Not That.

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How This Sommelier Pairs Cannabis with Wine and Cuisine

Elise McDonough of Leafly Reports:

When I rolled up at a stately purple Victorian whose address I’d only received hours before, Jamie Evans—better known as “the Herb Somm”—was waiting to greet me with warmth and charm. A vivacious oenophile and expert in Old World vintages, Evans is actively translating the language of tastings and terroir from the established wine field into the more freewheeling world of cannabis.

“You have one season, one seed, one plant to express itself, creating a vintage that will never exist again.”Chef Holden Jagger, Altered Plates

Through her acclaimed “Thursday Infused” dinner series, she introduces well-to-do San Franciscans to cannabis cuisine and connoisseurship in an intimate setting, recruiting a rotating cast of chefs and purveyors to demonstrate their crafts.

“Cannabis is very complex,” she says, “just like wines, certain strains will make you feel uplifted or sleepy, so you can create moods.”

Evans needs to attend to some last-minute tasks (I’ve arrived early by invitation), so I settle into a plush sofa in the backyard to share a joint with Chef Holden Jagger, who’s driven up from Los Angeles to cook for tonight’s guests. A fixture on the So-Cal cannabis cuisine scene through his Altered Plates supper club, Jagger is one of the few chefs working with weed who actually grows his own. He’s also distinguished himself with innovative techniques such as pickling and salt-curing parts of the male plants or using their pollen as a seasoning, Holden came out of skateboarding culture enamored with the idea of “never been done,” slang for nailing challenging tricks in novel spots, and now applies this spirit of bold experimentation to cannabis cookery.

With unruly red hair and a hint of mischievousness about him, Holden says he’s been giving grow tips to other dads in Topanga Canyon, a bohemian enclave north of Santa Monica where he lives with his family. As we passed a jay of his tasty homegrown Royal Sour back and forth, Holden explains that this herb originated with a dearly departed grower named Ras Truth, formerly an influential seed breeder at Emerald Mountain who wrote extensively about the importance of nurturing living soil, and why sungrown cannabis compares favorably to indoor hydro grown under energy-intensive lamps.

Understanding Terroir in the Context of Cannabis

“Why do we celebrate a good bottle of wine?” Holden asks and answers, “Because it’s humanity and nature coming together to produce something special that’s a once-in-a-season opportunity.”

The concept of terroir—literally “of the land”—encompasses every environmental factor affecting the expression of a plant’s genetics, from farming practices and fertilizer regimens to the specific microclimate of the place where it’s grown. How terroir applies to cannabis is an ongoing debate between connoisseurs like Evans and Jagger, especially complex because weed is an annual plant, versus grape vines that live for decades or even centuries.

Chef Holden Jagger plates super-low-dose THC paired cuisine at Altered Plates. (Courtesy Altered Plates)

“With wine, you have a ‘good year,’ but with cannabis you can have a ‘hypervintage’ that is so exclusive…” Holden pauses before articulating this expansive idea. “You have one season, one seed, one plant to express itself, creating a vintage that will never exist again.” Coming from this perspective, a ‘good season’ for cannabis results in flowers that truly represent the weather and soil within the unique environment of a certain farm at a moment in time that can never be repeated, embodying these influences in a particular expression of cannabinoid and terpene profiles. Such specificity makes fine cannabis vintages even more precious and fleeting than any bottle of wine on earth.

Understanding the complexity of different cannabis cultivars, let alone the influence of terroir, requires years of devotion to the plant and its methods of production. Before a wine snob can assume the title of sommelier, they must pass a certifying test administered by The Court of Master Sommeliers, a process that requires years of study. While there’s no comparable program for “cannaphiles,” correctly guessing cannabis cultivars by taste and high alone necessitates a mastery of the plant gained only by the experience of growing it, or at the very least traveling to the regions where cannabis thrives to taste every varietal possible, talking to farmers and witnessing cultivation methods.

Taking a break from party preparations, Evans joins us, explaining how for the average person who just appreciates good food, wine and weed, beginning to experiment with pairing all three sensual delights can be made simple and fun. For newbies to cannabis, Jamie recommends developing connoisseurship by tasting the same cannabis cultivar grown by various farmers and training your senses to recognize the nuances that differentiate them.

How to Pair Cannabis with Wine and Food

When working with chefs, Evans starts her process by first reviewing the menu, looking for standout ingredients to base her pairings on. From there, she employs her “B.I.T.E. philosophy,” an acronym that stands for Balance, Intention, Taste and Enjoy.

Balance

Consider the weight of the wine and the intensity of the flavors in the dish as well as the textures of the food. Evans matches light wines with cannabis cultivars containing citrusy limonene, while pairing more sedating strains with darker, richer wines. If the food is rich, creamy or boldly flavored, she looks for more acidic, bright wines to balance the dish.

Intention

Set the mood for your event by matching the food, wine and weed to the desired atmosphere. Evans starts with pairings to energize her guests, followed by later combinations of wine, weed and food that will soothe them.

Taste

Based on the science of terpenes, Evans looks for common flavors shared by the ingredients in the food as well as the cannabis by smelling and tasting both items side by side.

Enjoy

“Pairing should be fun, so don’t let it stress you out,” says Evans. “There’s really no wrong answers!” Experiment with different wines and weeds until you find matches that resonate on your palate.

Beyond this basic framework, you can also pair flavors based on locality, matching wines with weed from the same region, along with food made from fresh ingredients harvested from nearby farms. Seasonality plays a role too, with delicate, brighter flavors appropriate for summer and more concentrated, intense flavors better suited to winter.

“Take a bite of the food, sip the wine, smell the flower and taste the vape, all those flavors should work together harmoniously,” Evans says, recalling a pairing of Candyland and Rosé that became her summertime favorite. “There was a bright beautiful candied citrus nose to it” that worked well with sunny warm days and light, refreshing cuisine.

Turning to winter flavors, Holden waxes poetic about a phenotype of In the Pines stuck in his memory due to its incredible piney-ness, remarking that he “paired it with venison and mussels in a coconut broth, and that was one of my favorites.”

Perched at the end of the long marble counter that serves as a chef’s table, Holden begins to assemble dishes, adding precise doses of THC with a tincture dropper. The entire meal contains 5 milligrams of THC, a microdose that’s barely perceptible to most cannabis users. Before each course, we’re also treated to passed vape pens and sniffs of Utopia Farms cannabis as Evans explains the wines and Holden talks up the food.

Dinner opens with a first course of Celeriac with purple potato, maitake mushroom, miso and honey, the celery root flavor complimenting Evans’ choice of a Balletto Pinot Gris 2017 to sip alongside. With notes of candied tangerine and citrus, the Pinot Gris matches the aromas and flavors from Utopia Farms’ Clementine cannabis flowers, as well as the deeper savory notes of the Master OG vape cart from Kurvana.

Capturing the feeling of summer fading into fall, the unctuous Roasted Duck Tostada that follows incorporates butternut squash, savory peanut sauce, salty cotija cheese and spicy salsa verde to create a rich dish with a slight sourness. Selecting for a wine that would stand up to the bold flavors of the roasted duck, Evans decided to go with a Buttonwood Rose 2017 because of its soft red berry notes, bright citrus, and cleansing acidity. Made from bolder Syrah grapes, this versatile rosé brings great depth to flavor, balancing the spicy richness of the duck while its citrus notes compliment Utopia’s Golden Lemons and Kurvana’s Citron OG.

Dessert brings Malt Semifreddo with roasted banana and chocolate, complimenting Utopia’s C. Banana cannabis flowers and a Banana Smoothie vape from Kurvana. With a burst of tropical fruit notes, the paired Rancho Sisquoc Sylvaner 2016 brings acidity and brightness, a great match for a rich dessert. Not overly sweet, this final wine cleanses our palates, bringing another soigné evening to its conclusion.

Being fortunate enough to enjoy gourmet food, wine ,and weed should (and does) inspire gratitude for the time and place where you find yourself, as well as the labor that went into producing your artisanal fare. Just like the practice of cooking or winemaking, growing and consuming cannabis ties us to the earth and the cosmos, bringing art and intention into our lives. Celebrating cannabis, educating yourself about it, and caring about how it’s grown introduces enthusiasts to true connoisseurship, deepening the relationship to the plant and the people who grow it, cook with it and love it.

Cannabis Pairing Shopping List

Replicate this experience at home (if you live in California) by finding the products featured at Thursday Infused at a dispensary near you.

Kurvana Vape Cartridges

Places to Find It:

7 Stars Holistic Healing Center in Richmond

Treehouse in Santa Cruz

Sonoma Patient Group in Santa Rosa

Caliva in San Jose

MedMen in West Hollywood

Utopia Farms Flowers

Places to Find It:

SPARC in San Francisco

Santa Cruz Naturals in Aptos

Harborside in Oakland

Berkeley Patients Group in Berkeley

From the Earth in Santa Ana

TO READ MORE OF THIS ARTICLE ON LEAFLY, CLICK HERE.

https://www.leafly.com/news/lifestyle/how-a-sommelier-pairs-cannabis-with-wine-and-cuisine

[lifeontap]

New Post has been published on https://www.lifeontap.com/the-ultimate-dogfish-experience/

The Ultimate Dogfish Experience

This is one in a series of posts from Dan’s #BeerNow AKA #BBC18 experiences.

Day 1

After wrapping up at the Open Gate Brewery and Barrel House (see my previous post), the #BBC18 crew loaded up a bus packed with additional arrivals of our blogging brethren before heading out to The First State. After some stimulating conversation led by @daddyporterblog about everything from food to our individual approaches to our sites to the Namaste White, SeaQuench, and the myriad of Dogfish brews to be had, I settled down for a quick cat nap to rest off the late night in Baltimore. Chatting continued, and I rejoined once I felt I had enough shut-eye. The bus was along shortly with the other motel’s guests, and we were off to Milton for a long night of eating, tasting, learning, and some special time with the Dogfish crew.

  Cruising down the street towards the brewery, we saw the Steampunk Treehouse in the distance, and most of us could barely contain our excitement. As we stepped out and walked inside, the welcoming staff were primed and poised to accommodate as much as we were ready to sample and enjoy. While most made a B-line to the bar to see what’s on tap, I knew that I wanted a little more food in me before proceeding; it’s as if they knew I was coming, with a full table of cheese and beer pairings of some of my favorite Dogfish brews! I literally could not stop eating, which probably helped prepare me for my selections at the bar, most of which were R&D, but I had to end with one of my all-time favorites: Palo Santo Marron.

  Tour groups started forming and making their way into the facility, so I followed suit, anxious to see all that I could behind the closed door. We started in the new brewhouse, walking by various pieces of Dogfish history including “Sir Hops Alot” and Sam’s original system. Continuing on, we ogled the new system, fermentation and filtration room, and of course the Palo & Oak Wood Aging Room. Heading over to the R&D area, we snagged some great shots at the bevy of barrels surrounding us as we sampled a delightful “citrus-y hopped Kolsch” called “Ballpeen Hamster”, and later wee bit o’ rum to help keep us loose. Continuing outside past the famous Emerson quote, we continued on Off Centered Way to check out the packaging and shipping area. The sheer size of the operation, including the piping as well as prepped pallets astounded me. Check out @Beerploma snapping his own shot next to the mammoth stack of SeaQuench cans to be filled! It was quite the experience to see the origin of all the bottles, cans, and kegs I enjoy every year.

  After we finished up, we headed back to the brewhouse for a delicious buffet to put back some of the calories we lost on the tour. I think I can speak for most of my fellow companions when I say I was feeling pretty amazing. Little did I know we were being poured an unexpected and mesmerizing beverage to enjoy during Sam’s “Fireside Chat” in the brewhouse. The special treat for #BBC18 was none other than a 2008 120-Minute IPA.

  While most would balk at the idea of tasting 10-year aged IPA, as the dominant hop profile would undoubtedly drop out, it resembled more of an olde ale, with the oxidation presenting beautiful notes of dark fruit and a touch of caramel sweetness. I feel this was the perfect beer to sit back and listen to the Calagiones re-tell and enhance the origin story many of us read or heard through various media. The total experience felt so surreal that I could not even think of one question to ask; fortunately many of my fellow fireside attendees posed various inquiries that would have been close to mine. Wrapping up, we went downstairs to do some shopping (I bought a new, much-needed rain jacket) before loading up the bus.

Our final stop(s) were to our respective inns for the evening. I had the privilege to stay at the Dogfish Inn, fulfilling what I call “The Off-Centered Triumvirate” (though I will have to add Chesapeake & Maine for my next visit). As we pulled up, the appearance matched a quintessential beach-area inn, bathed in bright white paint with nature-like accent colors, gravel parking area, and a fire pit outside next to the common area/check-in. Our hosts were super-friendly and check-in was quite expeditious, as we were in our rooms in no time flat so we could get settled. My room was spacious, featuring a King-size bed, TV, huge bathroom, and ample space for all my belongings to be stowed or hung up. If I had been on an extended vacation here, I could see myself curling up with a good book if it happened to be raining or perhaps outside enjoying better weather. An intrepid group of bloggers decided to go for “skivvy dip” in the Chesapeake (and later for additional drinks at the local bar), but I opted to kick off my shoes, change back into shorts, and sit by the active fire pit to reminisce about the day’s experience with some others who stayed behind. Many thanks to @BeerMakesThree and @Nashbeergirl for the incredible nightcap beer: Homestyle from Bearded Isis Brewing in Nashville.

Day 2

Having some extra time in the morning to sleep in was quite helpful, but I still felt a little rough around the edges. After my morning routine and packing up, I hit the breakfast nook for some water, a touch of cold brew, and later an egg and cheese from Notting Hill Coffee Roastery. I brought back a little extra treat – a Nutella-filled pastry meant for sharing. Don’t worry – Dan Beaubien from @Beerploma and A One Pint Stand (you should be listening to it) helped me finish it off! After kicking back with the crew and watching @HucksBeerBuzz perform morning calisthenics including a healthy dose of pelvic stretching, we checked out and awaited the bus’ arrival from the other inn. Next stop: Dogfish Head Brewing & Eats!

The drive towards Rehoboth provided quaint beach town views, with a stark mix of modern and colonial architecture populating both sides of the road. Conversation over the previous night’s unforgettable experiences passed the remainder of the time quite quickly, as we all dreamed about 10-year old 120-Minute, no doubt. Pulling up, we saw the new brewpub (just a little over a year old), alongside the EmPOURium, Distillery, and Chesapeake & Maine. In true Dogfish fashion, we were greeted with a friendly smile as we walked into a wonderland of craft beer, punk, and hip-hop…complete with a stage!

    We were directed up the hoppy stairs (photo included) to the balcony area where we sat down for a tasty lunch and pour of four unique brews from the pub. While the entire menu looked delicious, I simply could not pass up the chicken and waffles with sambal maple syrup despite feeling a little full from breakfast. Sufficed to say, the waffles were decadent and chicken I could literally not stop eating. I shared a bit of my dish with my tablemates to make sure everyone could feel and taste the love in the dish’s creation.

Now, onto the beers! All of them were intriguing in their own right, but a few were more polarizing amongst the palates in the room.

Outdoor Shower – American Wheat with Amarillo and Cascade hops, white and green teas, pineapple, and papaya. The nitro gave this a great mouthfeel, but a number of us at the table wanted to try it with a more conventional gas/tap pour profile.

Green Light Means Go – Belgian Pale Ale, with a pilsner malt base and a blend of tropical and citrus-based hops. I really enjoyed the yeast character on this, so I ended up taking a crowler.

Grownups Are Talking – German Pilsner with an American Amarillo twist. I thought this paired quite well with my lunch, as the hops and dryness of the beer highlighted the citrus and scallions with sambal maple syrup and stood up to the chicken breading. If I had more liver processing ability, I might have picked a crowler or two in addition to the mini-growler I drank later that day.

Covered in Nuggs – IPA Day celebratory beer. Golden Promise base, with an old/new school mix of Citra, Simcoe, Amarillo, and Centennial. No joke, this was straight up delicious and nostalgic, so the crowler had to go to my IPA-loving sister and her boyfriend. If only I had more cooler/fridge space…

A number of my fellow bloggers toured the smaller distillery here, but I knew I had to go shopping at the EmPOURium for a bit. I think I shopped well, but still wished I had more space to pack more crowlers or even more liver processing capability. We left the brewpub with full bellies and open minds from our multi-pronged Dogfish experience.

Closing Thoughts

Why haven’t I done this sooner? That was the question echoing through my mind the entire time. While driving there directly might not be as convenient, I am sure that an extended weekend could offer most East Coast peeps plenty of time to delve into all things Dogfish. While I cannot go back this year, I have a feeling that a revisit will be in order with a few more friends or family in tow. After all, I still need to go to Chesapeake & Maine, but I would also love to check out a music show at the pub!

Once again, many thanks to the crews at the Brewery, the Brewpub, and the Inn for extending such warmth, hospitality (and “hopsitality”), and providing an incredible first of what I hope to be many Dogfish experiences.

  Remember, life’s a tap…drink up ’til it’s dry.

[rebelstreetclothing]

https://rebelstreetclothing.com/blogs/news/every-man-should-date-a-goth-girl

She changed my life in ways she could fathom, although I don't have any idea who that eighth grader was.

It was I was introduced to a particular -- Fashion? Lifestyle? Fetish? -- that's since become my greatest aesthetic quirk. All men have a kind -- a few are into your regular breastaurant waitress mold, others are to the tatted up neo-pin-up template, and many others are all about the artsy-fartsy nerd chic -- and it was here, I assume, that I developed mine: the all-American goth chick.

Now, at the moment, we did not call them "goths." In actuality, we did have an term of both genders, who wore three pounds of eyeliner everyday and wore all donned spiky jewellery. Some called them "the other children," some called them "skaters" (which none of them possessed skateboards, apparently, meant very little) but by and large, the other students called them as either "the freaks" or "the weirdos." The rest of the kids before Columbine -- were terrified. Rumors spread that They did needle drugs and hung out together on the weekends and practiced magic charms. While blaring Marilyn Manson they chainsawed hobos behind Costco to passing. Granted, the worst items they actually did was smoke cigarettes away from the movie theater and perhaps shoplift a couple of malt liquors, but they embraced the paranoia and dread the other pupils fostered for them. In a way, it made them over the junior high totem, which makes them a more effective caste system force than even the preppiest of preps.

And there was something about that I discovered inherently attractive. I found them alluring, while everybody found the women to be terrifying. Others believed their morbid, sadsack dispositions was the turnoff, but I thought it strangely entranced.

She was the first crush of my own adolescence. Even now, I've no hint what her name was, but I won't ever forget seeing her at the bus stop for the first time. Curling her auburn coif out of her eyes -- showing a pair of peppers outlined in what I presumed was an whole bottle of dollar store lashes -- she smiled a sinister smile and asked me, with the playful lunacy of Harley Quinn, "what you staring at, curly?"



I never reacted. But each time she saw me in the hallway, she would take me that half-playful, half-evil smile and say something along the lines of "hello, curled, how you doing?" I guess she thought she was freaking me, but deep down, I adored the focus (god knows, she was the only girl in the sixth grade who ever acknowledged my life.) Forget tans, forget the blindingly blonde hair and forget that all too dull "girl next door" look -- I was eternally enamored by the women who seemed more Morticia Addams compared to Christina Aguilera.

During high school and college, I more or less homed in on each of the pale girls who wore Invader Zim tops and loathed their parents. Really, my very first makeout was having a woman wearing a literal pentagram on her brow and I had been introduced to the joys of carnal pleasure with a young woman whose whole makeup chest was full of nothing but novelty Halloween lipsticks and nail polishes. Throughout these relationship sojourns, I discovered a seldom spoken truth concerning the "goth girl" motif/stereotype. Actually, I soon learned that there are really five genuses of goth woman, each with her Own idiosyncratic quirks:

THE RICH, SUBURBAN GOTH -- Her father makes $150,000 a year and her mother lets her spend $500 at a time on naturally Hot Topics buys (usually, Hello Kitty-branded lip gloss and anime-inspired belt buckles.) Really, she likes to wear a lot, although she claims to be a poetic soul. She's at least three Nightmare Before Christmas posters in her room along with the heaviest ring she listens to is AFI.

THE POOR, ANTI-SOCIAL GOTH -- She lives in a trailer park, works part-time in the local grocery store or hole in the wall restaurant (usually on the rear of the home -- they do not want her spider tattoos creeping out the clients) and has attempted at least 80 percent of all of the drugs known to man. The only thing in her handbag are the cigarettes at 7-Eleven, a few wadded bills and a switchblade. She will break up, if she does not have at least one felony on her record.

THE ARTISANAL GOTH -- She gets good grades, she is most likely the best actress in the theatre department and she spends her evenings studying Dante's Inferno from the original Italian, as it is more atmospheric like that. Her dream is to obtain a art endowment to produce the world's biggest ball of sculpture.

THE FASHIONISTA GOTH -- She's hyper-concerned about her looks. You absolutely can't leave the home till she has her winged eyeliner down. Every day she paints her nails and she makes at least one visit to Ulta. From the time she graduates college, she is usually evolved into a "health goth" or abandoned the aesthetics entirely for a new lifestyle that allots for pink and yellow wardrobe options.

THE UNKEMPT GOTH -- The reverse of this fashionista goth. She apparently just wants to kiss you shortly after she sucked down a Camel cigarette or peeled off her lips her dragon-shaped bong. Her jewelry is pewter, she farts in public and she spends at least half of their afternoon playing League of Legends. She like the poor goth, except sans the penchant for criminality. After all, to do so you must get up off the couch.

Yeah, sometimes you get a mix of three or two of these, but by and large? Each subset has its advantages and disadvantages, its flaws and benefits, something to admire and love and something to detest and hate. And men, I think you owe it yourself to experience all five of those sub-goths before you get your bachelor's degree. Why? Because goth women -- for better or worse -- represent the most varied range of feminine character types. While some are pretentious and -- ironically -- stuck-up some are cool. They will make you laugh, they will make you cry, they will make you think notions that are existential that are profound and they will -- by design, perhaps -- make you want to kill yourself. Even as fleeting, transitory relationships, they offer you something to consider about both the fairer sex and that what you are as an individual. You date nothing but club women or cheerleaders or nerds for a year, and you won't learn any nobler truths. Spend a year dating only goth women, however, and an whole cosmos of previously unrevealed knowledge befalls you. Hell, you may even find one which is just the ideal match, and who knows?

But maybe the biggest motive to date goth women even though you're a young dude? Because, to put it simply, existing at age 25 stops. They're professionals today, and they must terraform themselves to that dull, staid, office drone appearance. Adios blouse with sayonara eggplant eyeshadow and the shoulder pads. The ring comes out, the Doc Martens proceed the Cureshirts and the thrift shop are locked away never to see the light of day. You can always locate a bubbly cheerleader or artsy geek kind when you're 30 and 40. But the red-blooded goth? You have got up until your senior year in school, and that is pretty much your last opportunity to land one your own age.

For those of you have been pursuing a darker kind? Bear in mind, the clock is running out, and the sands of time are falling by a lot. And you don't need to visit your grave not knowing what it is like to make out with a woman wearing lipstick to midnight, do you?

Rebel Street Clothing

[beerandcheeseblog]

Colossal Seven Scotch Ale and Kaltbach Le Crémeux

This week I picked out Colossal Seven Scotch Ale by Port City Brewing Company, a brewery found in Alexandria, Virginia. To be clear, I am not buying a six pack every week. And this one was selected from the shop’s individually sold selection. The cute guy at the register explained they come in decently expensive four packs and for that reason they sell them individually.

This one is bottled with a blue argyle (correct me if I am wrong) label embossed with a subtle giant 7. If you head on over to Port City’s website  they were awarded Small Brewing Company of the Year at 2015′s Great American Beer Festival which is apparently the “largest ticketed beer festival in the United States” according to NBC News. Colossal Seven is named so because Port City has a Colossal series, an anniversary series, and releases a new Colossal each year the brewery brews! It is a Scotch Ale so first I’ll try to explain what an ale is then get to the Scotch part.

Ales are top-fermented. According to beeradvocate.com this means that the yeast used for fermentation is applied at the top of the wort, the liquid extracted from whatever grain is being used, and at “higher temperatures.” Also, ales are fermented with Saccharomyces cerevisiae and lots of esters are produced (which are apparently really flavorful) as a result of the warmer fermentation temperatures. Saccharomyces cerevisiae is a type of yeast and is not only used to brew beer but also as a wonderful tool for studying genetics!

Scotch Ales, also known as “Wee Heavy,” are produced from caramelized wort which gives them a deep copper color and a roasted, caramel malt flavor.

When I took the first sip, I literally said “whoa.” I started drinking before I started reading so had no idea what to expect. Totally malty, a light carbonation, and doesn’t feel heavy but not super light either because of the potent flavor and thicker feel. Port City tells me I’m looking for notes of raisin bread and chewy caramels. By romanticizing the Colossal 7, Port City leaves me a little stressed out searching for the sweet treats hidden in the beer. I taste a sweet roasty malt flavor but none of the aforementioned flavors. But that is okay, I still really enjoy it! I think this would be a good one for someone that wants to try some darker beers but doesn’t want something too, too heavy or bitter. 

OG/FG: 20/5. More on this, the original gravity is based on sugar content of the wort. The higher the density, the greater the sugar content. Fermentation by yeast converts sugar to alcohol so the final gravity should be lower than the original gravity in standard beer brewing. The larger the ratio of OG/FG the more sugar converted to alcohol and higher alcohol content of the beer. OG and FG are generally reported in Platos (°P) in the United States. Platos can be converted to specific gravity and subsequently ABV (%) by:

SG = ((°P * 4)+1000)/1000, ABV = 133 ((OG-FG)/FG)

ie. OGColossal 7 = 1.080, FGColossal 7 = 1.020 and...

ABV = 7.98%, reported on the label at 8%

IBU: 25

Another note, drink this pretty cold. Not my favorite, but would buy again!

I tried Kaltbach Le Crémeux by Emmi, an American company that produces cheese out of Switzerland. Kaltbach actually refers to the location where this cheese is aged and is a cave system in the Alpine Valley of Switzerland. Known more commonly as the Swiss Alps, this mountain range shockingly covers 65% of Switzerland according to alpenwild.com! Kaltbach Le Crémeux is a semi-firm cheese pasteurized from cow’s milk and aged at least 120 days according to Emmi’s website. Next to the description it also says “microbial rennet” but I didn’t know what this meant so I looked it up. Rennet is a complex of enzymes naturally produced in the stomachs, plural, of ruminant mammals. Ruminants are mammals with multiple stomachs for processing plant material. However, rennet has nothing to do with processing plant material but actually helps young mammals process their mother’s milk! In regards to cheese, the enzyme complex is added to acidified milk (a first step in cheese making) to accelerate the curdling of the milk and separation of solid (cheese) and liquid (whey) components, cool. Kaltbach Le Crémeux uses a microbial rennet which is a similar enzyme complex produced by mold rather than a mammal (formaggiokitchen.com).

Emmi describes this cheese as “sweet and unassuming” and “reminiscent of a soft cooked egg yolk in a bowl of ramen.” What? First of all, it’s wicked soft. I let it sit on the table for about 30 minutes before I took the second bite and that hardened it up, in a good way. It isn’t spreadable but when you start to chew it kind of turns into a peanut butter consistency in your mouth. A little weird. The cheese is pretty salty, lightly sweet, and the flavor really subtle at first but eventually you get this kind of mild sour taste. Would be great in a grilled cheese I think but for eating alone, maybe not. 

Emmi encourages that it pairs well with fruit such as blackberries and pineapple and honey. Surprisingly, I have both of these things although the blackberries are approximately 3 weeks old. Unsure why they aren’t moldy. The texture of the blackberries and the cheese clash and the flavors become confused. But the honey with the Kaltbach was great, really sweetens it up! Overall, not terrible but forgettable.