#the original idea this started off as didnt work out so now its flowers LOL

[cainternn]

blooming

[beeseverywhen]

pikmin vs pikmin 4- my thoughts on some of the changes

so i've been replaying pikmin this week after playing a lot of pikmin 4 and i had some thoguhts over the differences. i actually meant to make this post yesterday and i've now forgotten a lot of what i had to say whoops but i'll give it a shot.

so first of all. difficulty. it's a lot harder to get pikmin killed in pikmin 4. in some ways i found this a bit disappointing but playing pikmin again really put things in context lol. you can kill them so easily in the original! personally i think for me the ideal level of difficulty would be somewhere in between. the struggle to keep my pikmin alive in the first game was pretty formative for me lol. i think taking out that struggle for survival and risk of huge battle losses does lose something. i've always seen something of a commentary in pikmin that im not sure is in the newer games thanks to it being easier to keep your pikmin alive. HOWEVER i'm actually all about making games more accessible especially for kids. when games are really hard a lot of ppl just cant complete them/cant get in to them. i think what i would like to have seen from pikmin 4 was the option of different difficulty levels tbh. that way as a pikmin veteran you could pick a harder level, upskilling the monsters, while the original difficulty is still an option.

on the other hand, there are some ways that pikmin die in the first one that i'm SO glad they fixed. first of all-drowning. drowning is so annoying in the first game.m it's really really hard to get the pikmin out of the water to start with. and they drown for so long. theres a point where they are beyond saving but they keep on screaming for ages anyway. it makes me sad lol.

second. getting stuck around walls. oh my god. its so easy to lose pikmin as youre walking around. and when you call your whistle you need to show them how to actually get back to you? if you dont they dont make their way back to you. im so glad they fixed this because it was incredibly annoying tbh. theres actually a second part to this that i didnt think i liked until i replayed the original. so with nectar, you have to actually throw your pikmin at the nectar most of the time in pikmin 4. im used to just being able to walk through it with my crowd of pikmin but this didnt work so well in 4. i didnt realise till my replay of pikmin that this is actually a good thing. in pikmin you lose pikmin walking with you because they get distracted by the nectar. if youre not careful they'll fall behind and end up lost at the end of the day.

the pikmins freewill. they really do do what they want in the original. its so hard to keep them alive because they'll just start carrying things mid battle. they attack everything. they are hugely distracted by nectar. they'll wander off and start attacking pellet flowers. while to a degree they still do this in 4, its way way easier to keep a handle on it. i actually like the idea that in game this has happened because the pikmin have more experience of hanging out with olimar and being directed and have passed that knowledge on.

the whistle. ok i love the whistle upgrades. just being able to call all the pikmin back to home at the end of the day is so good. i do think its a little overpowered because pikmin are generally safer in pikmin 4? but if we had this option in the origial it would be so great. im thinking something that gets added in late game. theres still a chance theyll get distracted/attacked/drown on their way back to you but you can at least TRY to call them back. i also love the whistle that calls pikmin back to you.

enemies staying dead- i'm mixed about this. i think that i'd like them to stay dead for a few days but then when you leave the area/after you progress in the game they get replaced with harder enemies?

time rewind- i'm mixed on this. i think its a bit overpowered. it might be good if it only comes in to play during a boss fight?

the dog. look. i didnt want a dog. i was not down with oatchi to begin with. after playing pikmin 4…yeah i do kind of like it. i think i'd prefer him not to be a dog. it added another level to the universe that was never really explained and i felt like it was motivated by a 'dogs are cute' fanservice kinda thing. not really my cup of tea. one of the things i really love about pikmin is it takes cute animals and makes them terrifying. oh a little ladybird? what if it was huge and bloodthirsty. i ended up reallly liking the extra level oatchi added to puzzles. i liked that you had to do some bits with him and the other with your player, i just would have liked something that felt more fitting with the world. a tame dwarf bulborb would be hilarious tbh.

go here- when i was playing pikmin 4 i was mixed about this. i kinda thought it took some of the challenge away and didnt use it at first but then i kinda changed my mind. like the whistle, i think it becomes overpowered because theres no danger involved. you can clear out the monsters first and you know nothing is gonna happen while youre on autopilot. after playing pikmin i think i'd actually really like a go here option, i think it just needs to be balanced out by there being a bit more risk involved in using it. personally ive found myself getting really frustrated playing the original because i get lost a lot. this is in part because i generally struggle with using maps particularly in older games where you cant see what is and isnt passable as well (this is more of a personal thing as i have a condition that affects my ability to orientate/use maps efficiently tbh)

advancements/design changes- so modern tech has obviously allowed for some major improvements in how things look. going from new camera controls back to gamecube ones was…disappointing to say the least lol. i love that its easier to see what you are doing on these newer games. i love that its easier to target and actually throw the pikmin where you want them to go. its generally easier to move around and things are less clunky. i do think that a bit of the magic gets lost in some of the design changes tbh. i understand why theyve been made. the original developers probably wanted them there to start with but were restricted by the technology of the time (god. it really has been 2 decades. madness. i've been playing with these little guys for over 20 years lol).

i really liked the white hole-ey walls in the original, bring them back! i also actually liked that there were so many walls and a lot of things were more closed off. that typical pikmin feeling of 'i've got the treasure from the boss but now i cant bloody get it back' was missing a bit. i know that this is because modern games go more for that open world approach (even tho pikmin isnt) but i think it just makes sense in the story for things to be more closed off. i think bags and box ramps seem to have replaced the plentyful walls and… i would like more walls.

i also love the woven bridges where it breaks down over time and you need to get the pikmin to make it again. i just think they look cool.

i also like the little piles of bombs you can find and i like that you've got to have the yellow pikmin carry them around for you. what do you mean im just putting bombs in my pocket??! maybe there could be a function where in later game you could earn some kind of upgrade where you CAN store bombs. some kind of bomb proof container. but i still think the yellow pikmin should be in charge of bombs. they are the demolition experts.

i would like more use of climbing sticks too.

i liked that the landing spaces were kind of ringfenced off in the original. every landing space is its own little area, usually set in a depression in the land if not a little raised bit. i like that. tbh i dont really have an opinion on there being multiple homebases in 4. i know some ppl love it. im pretty neutral on it tbh. i would like the homebases to be set in some kind of depression/ have landscaping to set them aside tho. i just like the feel of it better. my pikmin feel safer lol. considering how dangerous the world is im not sure it makes sense for us to all be chill with landing out in the open like that and leaving our ship and the onion to it.

another thing that to me is huge but i do kinda get why they changed it and i think most ppl probably dont agree with me here… i miss there being seperate onions! i get why, i do. ppl probably didnt like that you couldnt get all your pikmin in one go and had to go to seperate onions. personally i loved that. i loved seeing the onions i'd collected in the landing area and i loved seeing them all fly off together at the end of the day. i loved that the landing areas were designed around the number of onions you'd have at the end of the game so that until then you'd be looking at that space like. i wonder whats going to go there. when will i find my last onion. what will it be like. i also love when the onion springs out of the ground all colourful when you find it. maybe they could be buried but when the pikmin uncovers it THEN it springs up?? i want that back. i do get that it would be annoying to have to get pikmin from each onion when there are loads of them and some ppl dont like that. i think this could be solved by you being able to access the all pikmin screen from your ship. then when you select the pikmin the ship alerts the onions and the pikmin come running out of the onions.

the centre spot for the ship and the 3 spots for red yellow and blue would be stylistic like in the original pikmin and would be there from the start even before you find the onions.

then the 6 surrounding spots would be less obvious, to the point that you dont really notice them until you find the first unusual onion. i know youre probably thinking: hold on a second 6? yeah i would give the glow pikmin a onion. maybe it only shows up at night or maybe it is there in the day but its colour is dull showing it's not avaliable.

while we're on the topic of the onions, i also prefer their original design. i'd love to see them looking the same, only more vibrant and in better definition. i particularly like the patterns round the bottom edge, the legs, and also the flowers on these ones.

edit: oh i totally forgot. the other design change im in two minds about is the sun meter. i think it looks better in the original.

also. i love that its easier to switch what colour pikmin you are holding and that charging is way easier.

im pretty neutral on the restricition of pikmin in the field. maybe i'd prefer it if you could upgrade that faster/if it had a higher starting point??? not sure yet i'll have to think. i dont like that there are more farlics avaliable even once youve reached 100 and the number of pikmin cant increase.

[superpotato824]

i just finished Life is Strange: True Colors, so here are my thoughts on it (this is gonna be VERY long)

WOW okay my head hurts from staring at a screen that long but omg that game was so beautiful! The scenery, the ambient sounds, the characters, oh my GOD it was a visual masterpiece. The flower bridge, the flower shop, dang just the whole entire town of Haven!!!! Such a pretty place and so breathtaking. And the character animation??? I was scared it would look weird or creepy but WOAH it looks amazing. Definitely loved how the game looked and felt. All the characters were well fleshed out and that made it easier to connect with them as a player.

Now, for the plot... I really did love it. At least... I think I did? I'm determined to love every LiS game so take this with a pinch of salt. The plot was very interesting and definitely refreshing for the LiS series. In the original game, the plot kinda centers around the supernatural tornado or whatever that Max saw in her vision. In the LiS2, the brothers are running cuz of an accident caused by Daniel's supernatural powers (also its been a while since I played BtS so uhhh I don't really remember it oops) ANYWAYS in True Colors!!! It's finally different! The main conflict is not caused due to the character's supernatural powers! It's different, but honestly really cool. For once, you don't have a nagging feeling about causing the end of the world or being caught by the cops whenever you use your powers! Well, sort of... I don't know if it was just me, but some times when Alex used her powers, it felt like blatant emotional manipulation. Like, she would "dive into the hearts of others", find their greatest secret, fear, whatever it is, and then turn it against them. Using her powers to make Mac tell her the truth about what happened with the call Gabe made. Idk it just didn't sit right with me sometimes. Alex's powers are so unique and honestly I love the idea behind them and how the game works with it! But... I was at least hoping for SOME mention of how this was emotional manipulation on Alex's part. I mean, even in the original game, the nightmare-Max or whatever says that Max is using her powers to know exactly what to say and manipulate people into liking her. That's why I was so excited when a nightmare-esque scene began, cuz I thought we were about to dive deeper into that. But no, the nightmare-esque scene just showed us Alex's past, which was very interesting and definitely good to get to learn! But not exactly what I was hoping for. Sure, sometimes Alex makes an offhand comment about how she is using her powers to manipulate people, but it never stops her. Idk I guess I just wanted to see more into that but maybe that's just me. ANYWAYS again.

Honestly, I kind of saw the "surprise bad guy" being the bad guy way from the start. Idk something just seemed off about him to me or maybe I'm just used to LiS making good characters their surprise bad guy lol. Still, definitely made for a super cool and complex plot! Also though, at the end of it, I only felt like the choices that changed the end of the story were 1.) Who you romanced and 2.) Literally what you tell Gabe at the end of the game. Like,,,, I haven't seen any other playthroughs yet, but I really hope the game is different depending on your choices throughout, even if the ending is kinda stagnant (if that makes sense)

Thought of this last minute so I'm just gonna add it here before my final statements!!! ALEX'S POWERS. They are honestly SO COOL. I love how she goes from seeing them as a curse, something that makes her broken, to seeing them as a way to help people and to make things right. It's really so beautiful how the storytelling with her powers went. And her powers help flesh out the characters around her! We get to see little glimpses into the past and into these random strangers around town! It really adds another level of world building and makes the town of Haven seem even more real.

I really did love the story and oh my GOD did I love how the game looked! Definitely glad I got this game and I really wanna play it again to see how/if your choices really make a difference at the end of the day! Dang this was long and I still probably have even more thoughts on this game but I'll stop now. I think I love this game. If not for the beautiful scenery and town, then definitely for the cool, fleshed out characters living there.

Anyways if anyone wants to talk about this game or ANY other LiS game (or really anything tbh) send me a message!!! I'm bored and making friends is fun!

WAIT ALSO I JUST POSTED THIS BUT I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING ELSE!!!! There are some choices to "take" people's emotions from them. We... never see the long term consequences of that? Do they get them back? How does it affect Alex? Sure we see that the character that had anger taken from them is now numb to it, but do they ever get it back??? Can Alex give it back? And what about the character that had fear taken? How did that affect them? Sure we see they turn against the company that used to scare them, but is that the only fear Alex took? And again, how does this affect Alex??? After taking their emotions, we see Alex have a small breakdown, feeling a sudden urge of these feelings way after she took them. Like when she yelled about Gabe being dead and how nothing would bring him back, or when she curled up on herself, in fear of being watched. Does it just... go away? Does she ever deal with it? Does it ever come back???? And it doesn't help that you can choose NOT to take their emotions! That makes it harder to address in the long term. AAAA NOW IM CONFUSED AGAIN

AAAAA AND AGAIN ANYWAYS ALSO JUST REALIZED THIS WAS A LIS GAME THAT DIDNT MAKE ME CRY AT THE END. LIKE THE ENDING WASNT SAD? AT ALL? LIKE THE END FITS THE STORY AND I LOVE IT BUT WOW A LIS GAME THAT DOESNT HAVE A TRAUMATIC ENDING? CRAZY

[fangwhoria]

11/11/11

thank you so much to @fluffythewritingplant the god of my existence for tagging me!!

Rules: Answer 11 questions, Ask 11 questions, Tag 11 people!

okay,,,, you asked 15 questions. you even numbered all of them, so it wasnt a mistake,,,,, idk if im just supposed to pick 11 or if you just got excited of if you legitametly don’t know what 11 is,,, Either way im gonna answer all of them cuz people who are bad at math are valid and i love talking about my wip!!

1. What is your favorite part of writing?

you know that moment when youve been kicking yourself over a plothole in your wip for ages, and suddenly something just pops in your head and all the pieces fall into place? yeah. that feeling

2. Do you prefer reading or writing?

i dont have much time for either right about now, but id have to say writing only because im kind of a control freak and if im writing the story it goes the way I want it to

3. How many people have read your stuff?

not many! those of you who see my posts on here and one of my friends occasionally. im very self concious about people who can see my face reading my stuff

4. How many people irl have read your stuff?

like,,, maybe 2

5. Are there any books or movies that inspired your writing?

percy jackson made me a writer

6. How many WIPs do you have?

only one main one atm, but another has been pushing at the back of my mind for a little while, but that ones just a couple of scraps of story

7. What are some ideas you had to throw away because you just didn’t have the time to work on them?

ive nevr had to throw things out because of time, but ive had to scrap some cool things because they either didnt fit in the plot, like in one of the early versions of FYofH where Johanna was acting as a fortune teller during the time Delilah was deceased, or a year ago i really wanted to write something about fairies but i just didnt have enough ideas for that story to really develop it at the time. One day ill go back to it

8. Have you ever written any poetry? Wanna show some of your stuff?

lol i hate writing poetry with a passion, but here ill write a quick one, just for you

*ahem*

Sometimes

I want to 

lie down

in the woods

and become one 

with the roots

There you go! an elle original! right off the top of my head!

9. What’s your favorite line/scene you’ve ever written (several are possible of course)?

im particularly fond of this one from a couple days ago: 

She felt like ice was building up inside her, starting at her heart and encasing her internal organs, then her bones, until ice was forming around her eyes and mouth and slowly covering her entire body until she was nothing but ice, an icicle previously known as Johanna.

and since im too lazy to go through my file of nice lines by elle, heres a thing i wrote at 3 am a month ago while high on cold medicine:

Shes In love with the giddess of desath beacuaes she loves biug tiddie goth gf but since she s agod they canmt be togtgher and since shes a witch he cant deie to be w her so its angsty and sad but big tiddie sun lady UInserstands the gays and is like “its okay lol”n ajnf that s hweom its endas

10. What’s your favorite quote

not really a quote but the whole song No Choir just really inspires me, ya know? like happiness doesnt have to be this big amazing complicated thing, it can be as simple as just sitting with someone you care about

11. What’s your favorite quote by someone you know?

“Knowing the surface area of this chef boyardee party hat is important because if your child has such a big brain from eating so much chef boyardee, we have to make sure the hat will fit”- my friend while she and i were giving an academic presentation. i will give no more context than that

12. What’s your favorite book?

SO MANY--- Carry On will always have a special place, as well as Percy Jackson, and i LOVE the Raven Cycle SO MUCH  and miss peregrines is super wild but soooo my aesthetic

13. Which book do you regret reading?

looking for alaska by john green

14. Is there something you regret writing?

i dont regret anything iveever written. they were all learning experiences that were essential tomaking me a better writer. 

Okay maybe i regret that lams college au just a little

15. If your OC’s were actual people in your life, what would your relationship be like?

they would all be annoyed by me because im annoying

if you actually read all of this youre my hero

my 11 questions are to pick 11 questions from the list i just answered

tagging these absolute heroes: @lauraswritingjournal @nkta-ink @vasilisapeadarsan @inexorableblob @cawolters @kenny-d-juice @katabasiss @floortile-flowers @writer-in-drag @towaniisme @ink-on-poppies no pressure yall!

[tumblunni]

Wait so is their name Uz or what...? I know before we (FINALLY) got an english dub of this game like a decade late and it became my FAVOURITE THING EVER, everyone used to say Yuzu for some reason. But then in the game it seemed to always say Uzu, but then the steam trading card emoticon says Uz..? And like.. there was pretty much no info on this installment of the series before the dub came out, and there’s STILL only a tiny fandom and even (annoyingly) some of the walkthroughs are wrong for certain endings. So i can’t even find out what the kanji were for Uzu originally, to have any idea on pronounciation... Man SO MANY names in this game are different between different menus, its really confusing! But I thought at least the main sidekick character was somewhat consistant!

anyway i need to know this because Uzu (redhead one on the left) needs to go on my Make A Fusion of All Of Your Favourite Characters meme even tho they have like the smallest fuckin role ever in a really badly translated game but just AAAAAA great design and sweet and cute personality and interesting dynamic of the protagonist kid being a former fairy who wished to be human, and Uzu being like her secret imaginary friend who looks after her~! its nice cos the previous assistant characters were all just serious and competant butlers, but Uzu is more like a second kid character that’s just not capable of growing up. It can get a bit sad sometimes but EXTREMELY sweet how Uzu is all ‘I don’t actually understand this humanity lesson I’m explaining, and I’ll never be capable of it, but i’m so proud of you for everything you’re doing’. Srsly its like ‘don’t go where I can’t follow’ but ‘please do, i want what’s best for you, and all us fairy siblings you barely remember are all cheering you on to achieve something we’ll never have, even if it means you’ll forget us’. Like srsly Uzu is such a sweet goofy dork who’s all ‘fairies have no imagination lol, I don’t get art’ and ‘fairies never have any bigger dream than just what they want to eat tomorrow. I want stew.’ ‘OH U~’ But like also its clear that they’re not incapable of emotion AT ALL, they absolutely fuckin adore their strange little sister that’s now a big sister and some day will be that thing called an adult and the two of them will drift apart forevermore..

And like just SERIOUSLY what little we see of Uzu is just that they care SO MUCH! Even as they struggle understanding the appeal of humanity and why protag wants to be one of those things, Uzu is still like MAXIMUM SUPPORT TIME. Just gets comedy moments from trying to support a thing they don’t know very much about, lol! Srsly its interesting and nice how much you get to know about the two of them via such few scenes, how Uzu starts off being all ‘oooh, yay, you spotted That Thing I Heard Humans Do, let me explain...’ and then it becomes completely apparant that the lazy lil sprite doesnt actually have anything beyond those two scenes of surface knowledge XD So end up teaching your big lil sibling all about the wonders of humanity! And even if Uzu is very much your opposite and very much happy-go-lucky and super confident in their identity as a fairy, they’re just so.. so... “I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, AAAAA” *aggressive cheerleading* seriously the only time Uzu gets sad is in the endings where protagonist gives up and returns to being a fairy, even though being a fairy is Uzu’s favourite thing in the world. Its so heartwrenching to see this little pink sweetheart being all like ‘was it my fault that it all went wrong? because I didnt take it seriously enough? she was so excited about it...’ And then those bad endings also say that protagonist will eventually forget this short time as a human girl, but she can’t return to being a happy peaceful fairy like Uzu. She’ll just remember that she regrests something, even if her immortal lifespan means she’ll lose track of what it was. And OH MAN I really wonder about what her and Uzu were like before the start of the game, then?? Cos she was said to be a not very happy fairy, she was just the only one who couldnt enjoy dancing around the flowers and wished of a human’s happy ending. I wonder if Uzu was already her friend then, and followed her to the human world to look after her, even though she’s forgotten them? i mean all we know about it is that their sibling dynamic is ‘technically true, all fairies are siblings since we were made by the fairy queen’. But like, whether Uzu already knew them or was just hired for this job by the queen or maybe even just snuck along like a lil trickster cos ‘huh? a fairy who wished to be human? That sounds fun!’. Whatever their backstory is, they’re a very damn good immaurture big sibling of strange, and I love this tiny family forever. Also apparantly baby fairies hatch from lucky drops of morning dew upon the flowers each spring, which is ADORABLE! i wonder if that affects their appearance? I’d assume protagonist was a lilac or a pansy, maybe Uzu was a snapdragon or a poppy? ;3

aaa sorry im rambling its just that I REALLY LOVE THIS CHARACTER CONCEPT and i mean the game already does have more dialogue with the daughter compared to other games and explains more about how the fairies work compared to your demon butler in the last game BUT LIKE I STILL WANT MORE!!!!! i love uzu and i love protagonist but protagonist’s personality is kinda blank slate and depends on your choices. but i still love her cos that starting concept of ‘sad lonely fairy who wishes to be a human princess, gets adopted by sweet disabled former knight man as a dad’ is just like THE FUCKIN BEST PLOT and aaaa I really actually cared about her and wanted her to succeed cos there was a REASON for wanting to reach the princess ending! not just arbitrarily wanting the best score, i want to give my sweet monster child her perfect fairytale dreeeeeaaaam~

but just AAA i really love Uzu and AAA god their design is so cool too, its just a nice colourscheme with the plain black and white casual robe thing and the very bright pink hair and then the tiny mischief ponytail and the surprisingly complicated rainbow sigil wing effects~ and lol ALSO i do kinda have to love a nonbinary character, yeah tho in this case its more of the ‘ambiguous headcanon’ type, cos uzu just doesn’t get any pronouns in english, and gendered pronouns dont really exist in japanese. and the game fandom is so small that there’s no sources on whether the japanese version ever mentioned a gender in supplimenary material. Also, I mean, the dub messes up a lot of really basic stuff like gender pronouns and even name spellings within the same sentence, lol! so its not really a reliable source. But whatever, it might be reckless to assume, but I’m gonna stick with this headcanon until we get proven otherwise, I guess. And srsly Uzu’s fab style is a look I wish I could pull off with my own androgeny in real life! (and yknow probably accidentally but they’re close to trans flag colours lol)

oh and from googling all i can find out is that uzu in japanese means spiral and yuzu means pomelo melon so.. huh. That Did Not Help.

also I found that tehre were a bunch of spinoff minigame compilations for the early playstation installments in the series! its really cute to see the characters from all the different ‘generations’ getting to meet each other~ In this one that seems to be the only one with any english info (Princess Maker: Go Go Princess), its like a monopoly board game except the pieces are an all-star cast of princesses and all the events are references to events from the individual games. SO COOL!!!

and look how much sprite detail they put into a silly spinoff! O_O it sucks that these spritesheets display this way though, so i have no idea how all the parts would line up and what the animations would look like but FUCK its still really cute to see cube and uzu having a good ol hug! also is it just me or do Uzu’s face sprites look a little older? I mean sure its probably just cos this was near the end of the ps1 era and the art style had gotten more detailed, but maybe I’d like to headcanon that Uzu ended up maturing from this whole experience and like.. maybe fairies age up as they emotionally mature? (cos i mean how did the fairy queen get to be the only adult one, lol!) Or perhaps Uzu could wish to be human too in the end, and become your real sibling! it’d be so confusing to explain that your new ten year old sibling is actually 500 years older than you XD also poor faceless dad character wouldn’t be lonely now his protagochild has gone off to be the best at 63 potential careers, yknow? or haha, maybe just imagine a reverse au where you raise all the butlers and the princesses are the butlers? or the princesses are the dads and the dads are the kids? OR EVERYONE IS LUCIFON man i just rrly luv princess makerrrrr

[effervescentmind]

Entry 21: 03.23.20 b

I wanted to talk more indepth about my job and housing concerns and also tie in another dynamic in my life right now. I met someone online in August and at first it was just a fwb type of arrangment. He would come over once a weekish and we would spend some time together, laugh and sleep together. Sometimes we would just sleep and not have sex but he ended up slowly staying over until the next morning and then it just became a regular thing for him to sleepover. He’s a nice guy and has his shit together, makes money and has a lot of awesome goals. He’s self-motivated, encouraging and funny and I really enjoy him. Sometimes we go out and we always have a good time but I didnt want anything and he knew that. I was still hurting and trying to figure myself out and redefine who I was after my last two relationships. He knew that and was ok with it but then starting hinting he wanted more. I denied him at first but eventually warmed up to him. He started to do nice little things for me and showed me he cared and paid attention to me. He would surprise me with little dates, gifts or practical things I needed. I would get good morning texts everyday and checked on throughtout the day...I’m speaking in past tense but all of these things still happen and on an even bigger scale now but he doesnt want to be in a relationship and I dont understand him. I did reject the idea at first but about a month or two later I told him I had feelings for him and he completely acted like he didnt talk to me about a relationship and tried to make me think I was confused. I showed him text messages and told him things he said to me...even when we went to the movies and he was talking about how he was going to teach his kids to swim (it was a reference to something in the movie) and he included me in his fantasy, as the Mother. Ive talked to him twice about it and tried to push him away but he comes back and tells me what I want to hear. I dont know though, the last time we spoke about it, he told me he didnt know what he wanted and that hes trying to figure out if he wants a relationship. He said hes used to women trying to be with him because they want to live off him but he likes that I dont try any of that with him. He likes that I have my own goals and plans for my career and life and supports me all the way but he needs time to figure himself out. I told him to do it by himself and not waste my time. He told me he wants me to be patient with him and he promises that he isnt wasting my time, thats its not just about sex. Then he referred to himself as a broken, rough flower that I can prune and water to my perfection and liking...I dont agree with that viewpoint. I dont think that I need to put in this much work and turn you into what I want. Shouldnt I like you for who you are? Shouldnt you be giving me all the communication, time and vulnerability I want and give too? Why must I be subjected to bullshit first before I get the man I deserve? No. I wont settle for that. I wont do it. There are plenty of other men out there and I know the mature, put-together, driven, loving man I seek is out there. I dont have to settle on someone because they like the idea of having me but still want to party and talk to more than one female at a time. 

I decided that I would give him a chance until I leave Texas. I am currently making plans like I’m single because I FUCKING AM and I will not let a man keep me in a place I dont want to be if he is not sacrificing anything for me. So, I’m waiting to see if he is warming up but at the same time not stopping my progress. If I end up needing to leave and he still aint tryna do shit with me then adios senor. At this point, I feel like he’s a better friend than a boyfriend for me. He has helped me alot. He has helped me fix my credit, paid my rent (without being asked) when I was going through it with BWW, bought me toiletries and encouraged me throughout these last months about my future but there is no emotional connection. He isnt there for me emotionally and there is no passion between us. I just don’t want to be with someone that has it all but can’t be emotionally there for you and does the bare minimum to keep you around. He’s not a bad guy, I just dont think he wants me like that and I dont want to waste my time. I’m finally ready to be in love and I want to do it with someone that makes my heart dance. He just makes my heart ache.

With that being said, my plans are changing by the day but currently I have five options. The first (chronologically) is to stay with my friend who referred me to BWW. We met at PFC’s in October/November. My original plan was to get another job, not renew my lease and get a room for rent while I save for a downpayment on a car. I wanted to put all my things in storage and take my time looking around for a nicer apartment that I felt was right for me. This apartment I currently live in, I rushed into to get away from a shitty relationship and I want better for myself. That plan slightly changed because I wasnt making money and stuck between jobs. So my friend told me I could stay with her as long as I needed. I was happy but quickly decided that it was a bad idea. I got to know her more and she is all over the place and does a lot of stupid things. She’s young, constantly quitting jobs, playing guys for their money, letting stupid boys break her heart, trying any kind of drug and no realistic plan for her future. She also has a quick temper, blows things out of proportion and is reckless. She texted me one day saying that she was going to move to florida and that I could take over her lease if I wanted. Then that plan changed and she doesnt know when shes leaving and keeps changing what shes doing. Then she got fired from her job and got pregnant by a dumb boy that I kept warning her to stay away from. I decided to look into other options. Havent told her and I dont plan on it, just going to keep it moving and avoid that train-wreck of a situation. 

My next option is to move into another coworkers house. She lives with her brothers and mother. Her mother travels a lot for work and currently is gone until the end of May. I would be renting out the master bedroom and bathroom for 600/month. Its a really nice, big house but I would have to leave at the end of may which is fine because I do want my own place asap. This last year living by myself has been wonderful and exactly what I’ve needed my whole life lol. I’m not afraid to live alone and sleep alone. It’s peaceful and I’ve done a lot of self-discovery. I stay organized and have all the space and quiet I need from the outside world. 

My third option is to stay with a friend and her boyfriend. The have a spare bedroom, are quiet and I hangout with them every now and again. It would be nice to stay with them because I know them a little more and they are much closer to my job than my other coworker is. Also, she works at PFC’s still so sometimes we could carpool and that would save me money on lyft.

The fourth option is to stay with my older sister in Jax. She called me last night and we talked for about 4-5 hours. We always do that. We wont speak for months and then just have a whole random purge one night lol. Anyway, after I caught her up on my life, she told me that she would help me in any way she could. She would send me money and if I wanted to, I could come live with her and the kids until I get on my feet. Her saying that lifted such a huge weight off my shoulders. She always has my back and I love her so much. I really feel that I may end up tying up all my finaical loose ends here and moving back to Florida with her. I never wanted to go back to Jacksonville but sometimes you need to take a step back to be able to move forward and it’ll be nice to finally meet my niece and nephew. And I havent seen my sister since she left for the Navy. We both went through so much pain and so many changes after that...It will feel good to have her around and rebuild our bond. I miss her so much. 

My last option is one that I hope to never have to do, because it brings me so much anxiety, and that is to talk to one on my aunts, on my dad’s side, and ask if I can live with them. I’m confdent that they would say yes but man...I’m not ready for all that. Theres too much baggage and unpacking I need to do before I can fully immerse myself into them. I want to eventually reunite and start creating a relationship but I know I need to do it on my own terms and from a distance for my own sanity. I’ll write more on that in it’s own entry. 

Well, thats where I’m at right now. Just waiting on this coronavirus to die down and see where that leaves me. Wish me luck.