#the onus should always be on the adult if there is an adult around

[declanisms]

anti new rome as a concept. like it makes zero sense that there are many adults in the society and yet it’s the children who are conscripted. I don’t care if it’s for the plot it’s a terrible plot. like I’m sorry reyna is 16. 16 and in charge of the whole army. and then the next praetors are frank and hazel which is even worse bc hazel is even younger. do you know how stupid that is. they’re children with adults around!! not like chb where all the adults are dead or luke or half horse. new rome is literally the antithesis of percy choosing the prophecy to protect nico, i.e. someone younger than him. new rome should have been portrayed as the dystopia it is not as some sort of haven for demigods I rest my case.

[magnus-sm-writes]

My Writing Journey: Early Adulthood!

I could title spring of 2020 “A Spring and a Miss”, because it was. My only high school class, band, was online, and it was honestly a disaster. I ended up skipping most of it to work at Subway (because I am a responsible adult like that). I was used to the online college classes; that was what I started out on.

What I did not expect was how this would impact my writing.

In February, I had rewritten Hamish and gotten some of the “dark academic” vibes I was shooting for. (In reality, it was always meant to be a gothic horror, but I did not know that yet.) I was so excited to write something else in my Shakespeare universe. My choice was Midway Through Summer’s Bullshit, a rewriting of the beloved A Midsummer’s Night Dream.

However, when the world shut down in March, I realized that I was too incredibly lonely writing a book with so much socialization in it. It depressed me. So I switched things up, for my own health. I rewrote Lessons in Humanity as a way to mentally prepare myself for university. It really felt like I was going places with it. I even had my wonderful, amazing friend Alex beta read it for me. (And even drew fan art for me like how fucking sweet are they?)

I was tired of rewrites, though, and I wanted to write something new. Something fresh. So I decided to write something that has both haunted and intrigued me since: Stuck Together.

Stuck Together is my historical fiction crackfic where William Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe a.) live in modern times, b.) are writeblr/writetube/writestagram famous authors, and c.) get stuck together in Edgar’s apartment during the COVID pandemic. 

It is a ridiculous novel, which I wholeheartedly acknowledge. I have never rewritten it, and I reread it once a year. I am not kidding when I say I love and hate this stupid novel in equal parts. It is so ridiculous, so utterly stupid, that I am unable to form a coherent thought on it. I cringe when I think of it; I adore it; I want to burn all traces of it from the internet; I want to fix it. 

(Someone please give me your thoughts on this because this shit is ridiculous and I love it.)

Then I went to my dream university for Creative Writing. It really was a dream come true; Ohio Northern’s campus is a magical place in the autumn. My professors were all incredible, and I have nothing but praise for ONU’s English department. I’m still in contact with several of my professors four years later!

I was at a weird place, creatively. I wanted to rewrite Jeez Take the Wheel, but things just… weren’t meshing. Nothing was working for me. I wondered if something was wrong. (I also broke my foot, but honestly, that should have given me more time to write.)

This was also the time I discovered I’m trans! It was October of 2020 when Morgan was no more, and Magnus came into being. I’d never felt more like myself than then, even though my writing was still not where I wanted it to be. As I settled into my identity, though, I became more confident in myself, and my writing also began to come easier.

There was also the matter of my senior capstone. You see, with all my community college credits, I was actually in my junior year of university. I had to come up with something to write next year for my Advanced Fiction Writing class (which would be the class I would do my capstone for). It had to be around 20,000 words at most, and a finished story. None of my projects could fit that. 

I decided to try a resurrection story. Something about my own transness, identity, and disconnection from the world. I began to brainstorm a story about a man who came back from the dead without his memories and was expected to pick back up where he left off.

This story became Body, my novelette. Body is to me now what Lessons in Humanity was in my teenage years. It is a marker of a huge shift in my writing. I went from someone who turned my nose up at fantasy to someone who was now writing within the realms of fantasy. Technically, Body falls beneath the speculative fiction umbrella. I’d place it in the Weird genre, personally, but it doesn’t really matter. It is more speculative than literary fiction, which was huge for me. 

With Body, I was taking a chance to really write something my own. I wrote in second person (my favorite tense ever). It was a braided narrative, weaving past and present together. It was a story about grief, and love, and hope, all at once. It was what I needed. When I think of Body, I think of how much of my soul I poured into it. Body is an incredibly special work to me because of that. It helped me understand myself in a time where I was just starting to be me.

This is going to sound like a sidebar, but it’s not. I promise.

My professor Dr. Pullen kept telling me in her critiques of my stories that it seemed like I was meant to be a fantasy writer, but was holding back. I, being the snob I was, refused to do anything more than give the barest hint of fantasy in anything I wrote. There was no way I was a fantasy writer; I was a man of literary fiction and contemporary settings.

That is, until Dungeons & Dragons changed everything.

My D&D group would meet anywhere from twice to four times a week. I am not kidding; that is how obsessed we were. I was obsessed. My best friend Jenny, our DM, was also obsessed. I joined another D&D group, as well, where I met some really amazing frat guys who accepted me as a man (!!!). I kept making backup characters just in case. Eventually, all these backup characters began to pile up. I needed something to do with them.

I’m stubborn. I can admit this. But I finally, finally decided to start writing fantasy once I finished Body, in part so I could get my character Hiprax’s character arc out of my head.

It quickly snowballed from there.

I also began to get a lot more serious about poetry. I read every single online copy of Warsan Shire’s poems I could get my hands on, consuming her words like I was starving. Poetry was how I dealt with my trauma, and dare I say, I dealt with it well. So well that I actually ended up in Polaris, my university’s literary magazine, with my poem “Mince Meat Pie”. I was elated. I was finally a published author!

Not only that, but Dr. Pullen made us submit work to literary magazines for class. (Other than Polaris, of course, but she encouraged us to submit to it as well.) I was rejected from all others. It wasn’t really the point for me, though; the point was that I did the damn thing. I did what scared me so badly I almost got sick the first time I submitted something. And I was accepted. 

I couldn’t even dream of doing this in 2020. It was nuts!

I also took a class on witches (taught by Dr. Pullen, duh), wherein my final project was actually a snippet of a vampire novel involving blood magic that I call Night Bite. The worldbuilding I began in that novel was actually the basis for my fantasy world Uuve. 

Once I left university, my writing just kept getting weirder and weirder.

[professionalhealthcarephri]

Need For Professional Elder Care in Baltimore and Arlington, MD

Moving around, taking care of the home, and engaging in outdoor activities helps a person feel comfortable. Unfortunately, advancement in years can rob most individuals of ordinary comforts and independence. Statistics reveal that the baby boomer generation is aging rapidly and will soon depend on their children and friends for daily living. The adult children should use professional services for elder care in Baltimore and Arlington, MD, thus ensuring peace of mind for all concerned. ​ The care provider is sure to be well-trained and adaptable. The senior individual may require close assistance with multiple things every day. It is the onus of the caregiver to understand the need and provide the right sort of help without being unruly or downright rude to a helpless older adult. Some of the aspects that may require care by a professional include the following:-

· Routine Domestic Chores- A senior citizen who may be plagued with illness and lack of mobility cannot handle most everyday tasks. The care provider is sure to take over simple yet essential chores such as carrying the laundry inside, changing light bulbs, and helping with dressing. Keeping the home neat & tidy may be ensured by the professional, enabling the homeowner to be at ease.

· Meal Preparation- The seniors often cannot cook their meals and rely on take-out food and home delivery. Consuming such food regularly can affect the digestive system adversely. A care provider is adept at rustling up simple, home-cooked meals. Serving the meal to the individual can ensure proper nutrition, too.

· Companionship- The old and infirm are often neglected in society. The seniors have to be content with their own company, and being unable to enjoy the love of their loved ones takes a toll on their mental health. The trained care provider can step in here and chat with the older adult as required. Reading aloud to the patient, discussing interesting topics, and playing board games together can relieve the emotional burden by creating a deep bond between them. Finding a friendly face always by the side and receiving assistance can result in peace of mind with several years of life being added to.

· Timely Medication- The number of medicines to consume will increase in proportion to one’s age. It is not uncommon for older adults to forget to take their medicines on time. The care provider will help out here as well. Reminding the patient to take the medication at the right time is a responsibility that the professional undertakes excellently. Moreover, discussing the dos and dints with the doctor and taking the patient to the hospital/clinic as per the appointments can go a long way in keeping the patient healthy

Apart from daily caregiving to older adults, such professionals may be hired to provide home care in Kensington and Baltimore, MD, to facilitate a patient's recovery or provide nursing assistance to ensure treatment and independence.

[simplifyingyourlife]

Why seniors should downsize before they have to: A Guide for Adult Children

When is the best time for a senior to downsize and consider a move? 

Ultimately, before they have no choice where they want to go. 

As my parents started to age, I brought up the subject about looking at senior’s residences with them, so that they could begin the process of downsizing and have a place where they didn't have to do so much work. My mother was totally against the idea and said, “if you ever put me in a home, I'll come back to haunt you”.  She was so against the idea she never gave me any idea of the type of home she would be comfortable in. So obviously I dropped the subject. Fast forward a couple of years, and my mom had a stroke. And then she had a couple more strokes and ended up in the hospital. We had no choice but to find a place for them to move before they would discharge her as she could not come back to their existing home. Unfortunately, there were not a lot of choices. I could not take her around and show her different places and there was a huge time constraint to get her out of the hospital. So, the onus was with me to choose where my parents were going to spend their remaining years. I brought my dad with me, but he was obviously very distraught with his wife being in the hospital. I had to make the best choice possible.

There are several reasons to consider downsizing – or at least begin the planning: 

Maintenance

As we age it can become more difficult to maintain a larger home, both physically and financially.  Downsizing to a smaller home, apartment or senior residence can make it easier to keep things clean and organized as well as reducing the cost of maintenance and utilities. 

Cost of Living

Many retirees are on a fixed income and may not have the financial resources to maintain a larger home. Downsizing to a smaller home can help reduce the cost of living and make it easier to live on a reduced income. 

Safety and accessibility 

Some older adults may have mobility issues and find it difficult to navigate the stairs or other parts of a larger home. Downsizing to a home that is more accessible such as a single-story home or apartment with an elevator can help make life easier. 

Community

Moving to a Seniors Residence where you also have the option of cooking in your own suite or going and having lunch or dinner in a communal dining room is nice. A lot of seniors tend to stick to themselves more and become isolated. Moving to a Seniors Residence gives you the opportunity to make new friends, learn new hobbies, join in new activities that you like and not be so alone.

Medical Care

Living in a senior's residence is nice because you've always got somebody there such as staff and other residents to watch out for you. If you're usually at the dining room at quarter to 12 every day and you don't show up, chances are pretty good somebody's going to come looking for you. Unfortunately, if you are in your own home and your children or your family live far away or have busy lives, it could be many hours or days before somebody realizes that you're not where you're supposed to be.

Another reason to downsize or move is looking for change. A lot of people have lived in the same neighborhood or home for 20, 30 or 40 plus years and they might be looking for a change in their environment. This could be the chance to move to a part of the city you’ve always wanted to live in!  

It's important to note that downsizing can be a difficult and emotional process especially if you have lived in your current home for a long time. It is important to weigh all the factors before making a decision and possibly consult with family, friends or a professional like a real estate agent or professional organizer to help you with the downsizing and purging process. The sooner you start the process, the easier it will be for all involved. YOU will be able to make more decisions, YOU have decided what is happening with your cherished items.  YOU will have a choice.  

Why wait?  Let’s chat and start Simplifying YOUR life today! 

[shoujoboy-restart]

> Gish gallop

...how? I'm not making different arguments, it's multiple instances of a specific scenario happening multiple times aka Nazism being in higher up political mainstream.

If you want stats I can bring up how within my country Brazil Nazi cells and online presence has increased by 270% from 2019 to today.

I don't feel like I'm making different arguments per say, literally just pointing out when nazis entered the public sphere or instutions in different situations, which you seem to be in denial that it's happening at all.

"acshually it was a staffer who's solely responsible for that" oh the Balenciaga excuse, oh great I will take it! Now gee why did it not work for them when apparently it should 100% always work for everyone else who uses it, oh well i'm sure if a left wing politician did something similar about some terminology from Marx, Mao or Lenin you would lap it up if they also said that they had no idea how it got there and they totally don't support it at all and it's just a coinkdink.

Again, if Nazis are so supposedly mocked and reviled by the right wing mainstream, why didn't anyone notice or care a a official campaign video for trump was having Nazi terminology in their video?

Posie Parker has a concistent history of being associated with Nazis and far righters so "they took over" is the most pathetic excuse when they willing kept accepting their assistance when police was preserent and could have helped them be separated from them.

Also

Parker’s speaking tour, “Let Women Speak”, has explicitly transphobic premises. It is claimed to bring people together from across “the political spectrum, ethnic backgrounds, socio-economic backgrounds”, united by the conviction “that women are adult human females—not a costume, not a feeling or a drug to be dependent on”.

Also also

She has appeared on radio and television alongside the Proud Boys, Capitol Hill rioters and Hans Lysglimt Johansen, a far-right Hungarian politician, Holocaust denier and Islamophobe. Parker has defended far-right activist Tommy Robinson, claimed Trump represents the lesser evil in American politics and teamed up with the Heritage Foundation, a conservative anti-LGBT think tank, to campaign against including sexual orientation and gender identity in US civil rights law.

Also her comment during the time the current fascist Italian president said she will strip of the birth certificate of children from lesbians weirdly, but oh no she is so scared and totally repudiates Nazis guise.

Also, ummm nazis only impeded one side from speaking and expressing themselves huh? Also it still counts as a example Nazis being normalized and dominating right wing spaces.

But oh I'm sure you a single person proving not a iota of evidence to everything you said should be trusted instead of multiple sources, obvious red flags and past behaviour from a group who literally admits they manipulate and refrain from interacting or assuming their mistakes to not "not gift their opposition. Your opinion by itself with nothing to back it or prove is so above me and everyone else babe.

Also, oh no I made a ironic and sarcastic comment about wherever and whenever terfs are around Nazis come to white knight them, and they proudly oh no person who accuses of claiming all my opponents are Nazis while immediately assuming what other believe in, please forgive my internet sins!

"Nick Fuentes is a grifter" and? So? The duck does that prove about anything? If someone can gain followers, attention and a carrer form pretending to be a Nazi the it just show how normalize and astroturfed they are, that disproves anything that I believe in miss ma'am lol

This was him not even a month ago babes, literally rationing someone attacking him in the same level of influence, so idk if your clowning and hehe haha theory works in reality in a way that matters.

What is it with you weirdos and the apologistic grovelling narrative for a man who harassed, threatened the life of.adukrs and children and slandered people as criminals for decades. Also, BITCH HE IS A COMPANY TOO YOU FUCKING MORON so your own contrarian what aboutism is immediately irrelevant, plus part of the reason the judge gave him such a drastic fine is because he was falsefying and hiding his income and assets in a attempt to make his bill cheaper, so clearly the judge will take that to account as well.

So every Alex Jones watcher is a white supremacists Nazi? No impressionable teens and younglings traveling on the gutter soft the internet? Middle aged boomers whinfall for conspiracy easily? Oh okay, you implied that not me, I thougt the nuance of contrarians like you who make what aboutism defense for him were worth acknowledging, but hey they are all neo-Nazi and they know all the neo-nazis and have top 5-10 favourites as you seem to imply.

> points out a literal Nazi is getting praise and approved by a president in today's time in a country that participated in helping Nazi Germany.

> COMMIE TANKIE MAO LENINIST REEEEE

weird, you assume I think anyone opposes me is a Nazi, but me pointing out a country has validated and praised a actual Nazi not even a Neo Nazi, a literal Nazi soldier and apparently I'm CCP apologist who jerks off to Che Guevara speeches overlaid Uyghur concentration camp footage or some shit. what's good for the goose is good the gander I guess.

Ukraine literally participated siding with Nazis in the past, THIS PART OF UKRAINIAN HISTORY, AND BASIC ONE AT THAT FOR INTERNATIONAL POLITICS, yes, they knew this was 100% a possibility and they simply didn't care because Nazism is being normalized and apologize because mu freeze peach and the fact majority of people feel more sympathy for fascists than their victims.

"This rich celebrity with zero actual political knowledge, historian expertize that lives in a alienated bubble outside of normalcy and lives a cushioned life were politics do not reach or affect them the same as the average joe and Jane has this take that's so #based and that is exactly within my biases so hehe checkmate liberal"

So more opinion slop with zero actual evidence or anything to actually convince me it has any basis in material and objective facts, wow you are so creative queen ❤️

Edit: LMAO bitch really just side stepped a whole a fucking state official saying "gotta put some Hitler portraits besides that Menorah if we wanna be really giving everyone a chance in the free market place of ideas tho" fucking pathetic opinion slop delete your account sis.

Is interesting how bent and whiny right wingers and Enlightened Centrists™ get when anyone with common sense and basic instinct of self preservation says "an ideology that wants to eradicate people form certain ethnicities and destroy opposition doesn't deserve public protection, civility and sympathy" and their only response is incessant demands for people need to live by gospel of an specific paragraph of an old ass piece of paper that allows slavery to this day in a random country of the world.

Weird. Bizarre. Irrational even.

[luxurybrownbarbie]

Hey! I saw your post about putting fear into you parents and how they treat you better now. My mom is a single parent and extremely abusive. Also constantly taking money from me and not paying me back. Anyways I’m planning a move soon because I live with her. I wanna put her in her place because she’s constantly violating me. Any advice?

I want to tread carefully with this, because for as frustrating as my relationship with my parents was, they were not physically abusive, beyond spanking. Nor did they ever take money from me. Our issues were definitely more emotional and that was it’s own complex and exhausting and difficult web to untangle. I won’t get into it here, but it was all very complex and it is still triggering. Plus my mother is an immigrant parent, and it’s very hard for immigrant parents to see their children as their own people. It was a trigger for her anytime I “didn’t show respect” or expected her to treat me in the manner I expected her to treat an adult.

The thing is, I will never discount the fact that I had other sources of support nor will I say that I could have done it without them; and that should be the number one factor before making any decisions. I have other close family friends who have been privy to our familial clashes, I have a very supportive boyfriend (who wasn’t going to take advantage of my lack of parental support during a difficult and overwhelming time, which meant I could trust him), and I have friends who were pillars of support for me just as I’ve always been for them. I also have a well paying job, and my parents don’t have any oversight or control of my finances. I have a therapist who had given me good advice for years. Those things made the decision much easier and much less fraught than it would have been, say, five years ago. Maybe even three years ago.

I essentially said I wouldn’t be in contact with them any more, pure and simple. I also said more damaging things than that, but that was the overall point. I was furious, and I had no worries about what I was saying or how I was saying it. And yes, it did scare them, a lot. Because I’d never said many of the things on my chest, nor were they expecting me to ever reach a point where I would be able to cut ties with them with no fear. And I won’t say it was easy. The breaking point was horrible, and inevitable. I had absolutely no desire to speak to, nor see them, at any point in the future once I’d cooled off and told them that truth in no uncertain terms. It was brutal, and I was not nearly as calm I’m making it out to be here, but it was clear. It’s really hard to make a decision like that, and it felt like I was walking around underwater for a solid two weeks after that conversation. But slowly, I pulled it together, and I leaned hard on my support systems. Probably more than I ever have.

After about a month I think, my father asked what needed to happen for us to reopen lines of communication, and I told them my terms very clearly. I needed them to be in therapy. I needed them to acknowledge their wrongs, and I needed them to recognize that, as parents, the onus is on you to be a good, stable person for your child. Your child should have to do nothing but exist. By virtue of being a parent, you should never place the onus of fixing relationships or cultivating a healthy environment onto your child. I should not have been the one to see that there was a problem. That’s your job as a parent, and it is thankless, because your child did not ask to be here. We had a lot of deep conversations, a lot of hard discussions, and eventually found a stable medium for the moment. They know now that I have the support and freedoms to remove them from my life forever if need be, and if they want to be a part of it, they’ll shape up.

I want to be clear though, if your parents are extremely abusive, you do not need to do anything but find a way to safety. You need to cultivate strong support systems (which are not based around trauma but around true friendship and support). I think it’s nearly impossible to put the fear of god into an abusive person, in my opinion. The best option, in my opinion, is to find a way to get away from them, and begin to rebuild yourself, with the help of loved ones who are truly there for you. I really hope you’re safe and are able to find solace soon. Sending you love and support. 💛💛

[avatarvyakara]

A note on some side-characters in the encanto:

45. Insistente

(adj) insistent

She answers to the name Diana. Her actual name is a lot more complicated than that. Her people, and her philosophical school, go in for deep cogitation and that includes long and subliminally-consequential names. But Diana is as good a collection of syllables as any.

Diana is not entirely sure why the Lady bears her on her back when she is more than capable of walking on her own. It’s a little frustrating sometimes, really. She occasionally protests vociferously and would maybe bite if she weren’t a grown adult with a reputation to uphold, but she can't blame the Lady, really. The Lady’s mind is filled with Focus and Strength and Pressure. Rather like a child. (For one of her kind, she probably is one.) She wants to be like them. She understands the Onus of Aptitude—the fundamental requirement of being steadfast in one’s duty, once one has deemed said duty worthy of one’s time. But she is surprisingly isolated, as though her work is the only thing important in life, and not the choice thereof. (Diana’s thesis on the Didacticism of Informed Obligation in the Context of Recompense versus Castigation was very well received.)

Diana tries to communicate, as do her colleagues (her coworker who answers to Abram has for some time now been trying to interest her in the Metaphysics of Non-Agricultural Floral Classification, a highly stimulating and eminently practical area of research), but the Lady’s mind is as stubborn as theirs. Likely she could hear them if she just twitched a teeny tiny bit, but she won’t let herself be distracted. The poor creature is obviously suffering from a severe psychological imbalance caused by an excess of Hypertrophied Physio-Sensibility. The only known cure is patience.

Fortunately, patience is something that Donkeys have quite a lot of.

55. Truchimán

(nm) interpreter

"They talk funny," says Antonio. "Well, not funny. A bit more grown-up than most of the other animals."

Luisa blinks. (She does that a lot around her primitos.) "Grown-up how?"

"Um…well, that one—his name's Marco—asked if you had something to eat recently. They're worried about you doing too much. But they're strange words, it's like they're kind of dusty and layered. Like they've been passed around a lot before being said." Antonio rubs his head. "I don't know if this is making any sense."

Luisa smiles, and ruffles his hair. "It's the encanto, cuz. It doesn't always have to make sense." She looks at the donkeys. "Hey, if you guys are worried that I'm working too hard, why do you always try to escape?"

"…prima Luisa, what does 'disjunction introduction in the application of para-consistent logic to conventional exigencies' mean?"

"It means we need ask your mom if we can borrow her dictionary."

79. Reposar

(v) rest, relax; 3rd plural present indicative reposan

Luisa has always thought of herself as stronger than diamond. Under pressure, yes, but tougher. Perhaps that’s vanity, but with her job she’s allowed a little vanity in the privacy of her own head.

Now, though... now she’s content to be a little softer than diamonds.

She can carry pianos, full of complicated pieces that should fall apart when she lifts them up. She can carry bridges, stone bridges with hundreds of heavy pieces. And she can carry a loaf of bread, or a tiny thimble for Mirabel, or one of Isabela’s flowers. And none of them break, because they are whole.

So maybe, sometimes, being whole isn’t a matter of remaining whole no matter what. Maybe, sometimes, it’s remaining whole because you’re at rest and aren’t being crushed.

So taking a short break in a hammock, reading a dictionary and chatting with Antonio (and through Antonio with the donkey called Sebastian, whom Cecilio isn’t using at the moment and whose Theory of Temporal Relativity Correlated with Existential Progression is the reason she has the dictionary out), might not be what the doctor or even Má ordered. But it’s what Luisa needs.

To keep feeling whole.

[tlbodine]

The Great Content Warning Debate

Horror Twitter has been aflame for a few days now with heated discourse about trigger/content warnings, and I keep seeing the same arguments and questions and points come up repeatedly so I wanted to collect all of it into one place because I feel like discourse can only get so far if people keep reinventing the wheel -- so perhaps having the full discussion laid out in one place could be helpful.

Of course, the folks arguing probably won’t see this post, but perhaps there can be some benefit from talking about it anyway. This is intended to be more of an overview of arguments and counter-arguments, collected and displayed as impartially as possible, but of course my own opinions are going to leak in and color some of this. 

NOTE: This is written specifically from the perspective of the horror book community, a genre that traditionally is associated with troubling, transgressive, risk-taking and shocking works. There are discussions to be had for content labels on other types of fiction, but as I’m unfamiliar with the norms and expectations of, say, romance, I’m not going to wade too deeply into that here. 

So without further ado, the arguments and counter-arguments and discussion points that I keep seeing hashed and rehashed and circled around when the issue of trigger warnings comes up! 

If you’re sensitive, you shouldn’t be reading horror 

“Horror is supposed to be horrifying! It’s not fluffy bunnies and kittens! You’re supposed to be made uncomfortable!” 

There are a few problems with this: 

“Uncomfortable” is not the same as “Sent into a panic attack/flashback/relapse” (ie, triggered) 

People with PTSD and other issues can and do engage with horror all the time and often love the genre for entertainment or therapeutic purposes

Many people are fine with some types of content but not others; blood and guts won’t affect them the same as rape, or they’re fine with adults dying but can’t handle child death, and so on and so forth 

Knowing what you’re getting into can help you prepare/brace yourself so you’re not taken unaware; people with the right warnings can mentally prepare themselves and enjoy a book that they would not have been able to read if they were confronted with it unexpectedly

Trigger warnings are censorship 

Some folks have an implicit/kneejerk reaction that “trigger = bad thing” and respond to the request to put warnings on a book as a moral value judgment on the book’s contents. I can see why they might fear that, especially because at a glance it’s easy to conflate the groups asking for warnings with the groups who say things like “if your characters have underage sex then you the writer are literally a pedophile.” But by and large the folks asking for warnings do not seem to be asking for folks to stop writing certain difficult themes, only to provide a heads up for readers about the type of experience those readers can expect from the book. 

There is an argument to be made that warnings could affect the sales of a book, in much the same way that an NC-17 film doesn’t get the same distribution opportunities as an R-rated or PG-13 film, and that authors/publishers will make marketing decisions to include or exclude certain types of content in order to avoid this. 

Trigger warnings will spoil the book 

While some readers will benefit from content warnings, others might have their reading experience ruined by knowing about major twists. This seems especially relevant with a warning like “child death.” It’s very important that people who have, for example, recently lost a child not be unexpectedly re-traumatized by reading about a child dying without warning. But it’s also important that people who want to enjoy the full, shocking impact of such a scene have the opportunity to do so without having it dulled by forewarning. 

Any kind of warning system needs to be opt-in for a reader. Some suggestions include: 

Placing warnings at the end of a book, where readers can flip to that page to look (not helpful if you’re ordering online) 

Placing warnings on the author’s website, where readers can search (not helpful if you’re buying in person)

Given the limitations, a combination of those strategies seems to make sense. It may also be unfortunately true that someone looking for one type of warning (ie, rape) will have their experience ruined if they spoiler themselves for another warning (child death). This may be unavoidable collateral damage. 

Authors/Publishers should be responsible for putting warnings in their books

There seems to be some debate over whether the onus of responsibility for providing warnings rests on the author or the publisher. It should be acknowledged that authors may not always have the power to make this choice -- and if the presence or absence of warnings becomes a factor for judging the quality/moral fiber of authors, those authors could be punished by the reader community for a choice that was largely out of their hands (although, there’s still nothing keeping the author from hosting those warnings externally - how successfully that is implemented is another matter). 

Additionally, the demand for warnings will be placed more consistently on small presses simply because those presses are more likely to heed the request. This could create a double standard where readers might be more forgiving of large pub works that forego warnings because there’s no expectation that they would have implemented them anyway. On the other hand, this could be a way for indie publishers to differentiate themselves on the market and appeal more to certain subsets of readers. 

External groups or communities should be responsible for warnings

There’s a line of reasoning that an author or publisher may not be sensitive to the potentially triggering/damaging things in their work, and some kind of external governing body should manage this work instead. This does sound a lot more like the censorship argument that people are worried about. 

Wiki-style sites and places where people can freely tag books (such as Storygraph) also fit this bill to an extent. They would presumably have less power over the market than a ratings board like the MPAA, but could still exert influence over how a book is received. 

Demanding warnings will negatively impact marginalized authors 

We’re already seeing some evidence that BIPOC and LGBTQ authors are affected more by user-generated trigger warnings on sites like Storygraph, and that these warnings can be weaponized against marginalized authors. Much like review-bombing a book before it comes out can affect its launch, labeling a book with inaccurate trigger warnings could damage its sales. 

Similarly, lists of “safe” and “unsafe” authors have already begun to circulate among some groups, and there seems to be a disproportionate number of marginalized creators on that “unsafe” list -- at least according to the anecdotal reports I’ve seen. 

Historically, it is true that any attempts at censorship or content moderation will be more harshly applied to marginalized groups (see: film ratings for gay sex vs straight sex). 

It’s impossible to warn for everything

One hesitancy that some authors have with tagging their work is they’re not sure what to tag for. Triggers are highly personal, and there’s no way you can possibly guess what might upset a reader. 

Here’s a list of commonly agreed-upon things that might make sense to tag for in a given work: 

Violence/gore 

Suicide/self-harm

Rape/sexual assault

Domestic violence

Child death/endangerment

Animal death/abuse

Drug use/substance abuse 

Racism/slurs 

That said, it’s still difficult to account for context. At what stage do you warn for something? If a character is drinking a beer, do you need to tag for that? Do you distinguish between the tone things are written in, such as being played for laughs vs seriously? If the rape scene is written artistically/metaphorically, does the same warning apply as if it were described act-by-act in a clinical sense? What if your blanket list of warnings gives readers a false sense of what the book will be like -- is it actually helpful at all, or is it just posturing/virtue signaling to include warnings that won’t actually be effective?  

Some would argue that this is dramatically overthinking it, but this does seem to cause a great deal of distress to authors who want to do the right thing but worry about getting it wrong. An argument could be made that trying and failing might be worse than doing nothing, especially if your attempts get you labeled as a “trustworthy” or “safe” author only for that trust to be “betrayed” by a warning you used incorrectly. 

On the other hand, many would argue that we all “pretty much know” what needs to be warned for, and that warnings are intuitive. These granular questions could be viewed as a distraction from more common sense issues. 

Readers are responsible for managing their own safety

Ultimately, because it’s impossible for every potential trigger to be identified and warned for, readers will need to remain vigilant. Of course, there are already ways to identify the content of a book without any kind of established warning system -- such as, for example, reading posted book reviews, asking a question on a book’s Goodreads page, reaching out to the author directly, asking about the book in a reading group online or having a friend/parent/spouse/trusted person read the book first and report back with their findings. 

This is the system we’ve pretty much used as readers for years, before “trigger warning” became part of the common vernacular, and it does have some distinct advantages just because you can get a lot more specific information this way. 

It is possible that if warnings become more commonplace for books that readers may become less vigilant about their own safety, which could paradoxically put them at greater risk of finding troubling content unexpectedly. 

There’s also the issue of “safe” and “unsafe” author lists. At the moment, while the discourse is hot, it’s perhaps more natural to pick sides and disregard some authors for reasons that may be unfair -- for example, marking an author as unsafe or boycotting her work because she doesn’t want to include warnings, but she wants to avoid warnings because she strongly believes they will be detrimental to a reader’s safety. A reader may or may not agree with that perspective, but it’s certainly not the same motive as an author who would do something actively malicious to a reader (like, idk, emailing a screamer to a reviewer or something. that’s a made up example.) 

In the end, trigger warnings are a good idea, but the issue is complex to implement and some people do still have reservations about their overall efficacy. 

We simply won’t know one way or another until we try to implement it. But in the meantime, I do think it’s valuable to continue talking about this, as long as everyone involved remains civil and engages in good faith. Once people’s perspectives start getting thrown out the window in the heat of the moment, or strawmen arguments are erected that don’t reflect what anyone involved actually believes, the discussion ceases to be helpful. 

[kim-ruzek]

It’s been a week since the finales and while I’m over the moon about fire, I’m still so conflicted over pd, specifically Adam and how he talked to Kevin.

I know they’re brothers and the show will have them get over this, but if my white friend said what Adam did? I wouldn’t look at them the same way. I’d lose a lot of love/respect that I had for them.

And a lot of people (of a certain color) are saying it’s not a big deal because of the situation? But like those are his real thoughts, his filter is just gone. Maybe I’m just being too sensitive tho.

I’d love to hear your take on this. If your comfortable sharing it.

I've been thinking of this ask all day, of how to answer it. Because honestly, I have SO many thoughts on this, but I was debating if I should say them all or just sum up but I decided that I'm just gonna speak my mind!!

I, too, have a lot of complexed and conflicting thoughts over this. And I have to say, with stuff like this, with racial issues, you can NEVER be too sensitive.

Firstly, I agree. Kev and Adam are brothers, and the show will have them get over this, it wouldn't be realistic otherwise. But I really do hope they do it in a good, believable and decent way. Because I also agree with what you said about if my white friend said that shit? A little bit of my love and respect for them would be forever tarnished-- at least until I see some REAL improvement, which would take a minimum of a year to properly heal.

This fandom is a real good fandom, but yeah, I HAVE seen a lot of white fans not treating this like the big deal it is. The majority DO accept it's a big deal, but at the same time, they don't seem to truly get just how big, like how they think Kevin and Adam will have to move on from this is quite watered down.

Now, where I stand:

I watched cpd for Kim, Adam and Kev. I got into it for Burzek, and fell so hard in love with Kevin immediately. So when Kevin and Adam fight, I find it really hard because they're my boys! But it's necessary, and I think will help them become even more tight once Adam gets his head screwed on straight.

I do agree that they're his "real thoughts", but my take is that it's a little more complicated than that. Like Adam is a bit of a hothead, and that moment? He was more scared than he's ever been, and Kev, in his mind, is the only other person who loves Kim as much so when Kev did what Adam took as a "betrayal", Adam was angry. And that was shitty. And he should be accountable for that, AND for what he said.

But I think calling them his real thoughts is a little simplistic. They're thoughts that's going to be in his mind a lot, obviously, because Adam doesn't fully get this. So there's two layers to this:

One: People say things out of anger. I've got a temper, and I keep it under control obviously, but it's there, and when you're angry, especially betrayed and hurt, you just want to hurt people the same way you are. And when it's someone you really, really love? You say things you have maybe thought when you were a little annoyed but rationality won and reminded you it's a stupid thought, things that you KNOW will hurt.

And I think that's what this was. Obviously you do this, no matter what the reason, you need to fucking apologize and grovel. Like I'm not saying you shouldn't because I really don't think that. Especially as someone who's said really hurtful things out of anger, I PASSIONATELY believe that you should be held to a high standard about your actions. Because anger is not good, it's an ugly emotion, and you have to fight it.

Two: I definitely think those things are stuff Adam has thought before. I mean, thoughts in anger rarely appears out of nowhere, they're there in the background. But this isn't necessary a bad thing, or makes Adam a bad person. Like we ALL have less than nice thoughts, it's human nature.

And for Adam, he tries, he really does, but the man just Does Not Get all the deep complexities of the police reform. So I think his stance is, he doesn't get it, but he goes along. There's been those times he's argued, but I think most of the time when he's confused, he kinda just...has one of those thoughts but doesn't express it because he KNOWS it's more complicated than that, even if he doesn't understand it.

So when Kevin and Adam fought, Adam got ANGRY, because he felt scared and betrayed, and that's when he voiced all these thoughts he's thought before but kept inside because even though he doesn't understand why or how, he knows it's more complicated. But he was angry because Kim was in danger, and suddenly, it didn't seem logical or rational to keep by book.

Okay so now I've said that, onto what I think this means and how I want this go moving forward.

Adam was a jerk. What he said to Kevin was such a low blow, and things are going to be fractured between those two. And I think nothing Adam feels towards Kev has changed, but I do think they'll be that little emptiness in Kev, because hearing your white best friend say that? Ugh. Pain.

In a general sense, I think they'll be fine. But they can't be as close as they were, without Kevin feeling some sort of distance without any closure.

So in season nine, we definitely need our boys to have a conversation. And not just one, but several. And we need to see Adam make some actual changes to his beliefs. Not just half assing it bc he knows he's wrong even if he doesn't understand the complexities of why, but actually challenging his own beliefs and learning.

I think one of my main problems with this fandom (the white fans) is how much emphasis is put on both Adam and Kev seeking each other out to have a conversation. That's just wrong-- Adam should be the one. None of this, fixing this, educating Adam is on this is NOT in any way, shape or form is on Kevin.

What Adam said is hurtful, and I think Kevin still loves Adam, still sees him as his brother. But siblings don't always get along, or even like each other, even if there's that I'll-die-for-you love. And I think that's where Kevin is at. Adam hurt him, and that's gonna do some damage, and so even though Kev does understand, he's not gonna seek him out or try to fix it AS HE SHOULDN'T, because that onus is purely on Adam's shoulders.

Like. I think what white fans don't get is just how exhausting it is always having to understand, always having to be patient. Like yeah white people don't get the ins and outs like we do, so we're forced to always be understanding bc while we have to learn these things from our first days, they're just learning now. But it's exhausting, so that's why I really hope they have Adam seek Kev out, not have Kev approach him to talk about this.

(it's always why I love how they had Kevin full on yeet Adam, and beat the crap out of him. Poc always have been portrayed as patient when cruel remarks are hurled at us from people we love in anger, and I'm happy they showed Kevin snapping. Bc that was not on, and Kevin was just as worried about Kim, and Adam implying otherwise is wrong. It's also though why I also love that as soon as they were pulled apart, Kev stopped fighting/looking so angry quicker than Adam).

Like I'd be okay with Kev just saying, simply, to Adam "you don't ever say that stuff to me again." And that's that. But for them to actually have a conversation about this, has to come from Adam and HAS to start with an apology.

And Adam has to actively do better. Like no more just accepting things are different even if he doesn't understand, he HAS to learn everything, all the ins and outs, all the complexities, until he lives and breathes it as much as any white man can. Because I can't see Kevin having what was fracture ever feeling completely solid again without that.

And I do like that the show went there, because it's necessary and I think it's the best position for Adam to realise just how Shitty he was. Because Kim was found-- by the book. Like most of his anger was from how in the past, they've gotten their results by being off book, so I think in Adam's mind, he thinks that's the best way to secure safety. But it was by the book that found Kim, and I think that will really make Adam realise that these enforced policies DON'T make it harder to secure their own safety.

Also, Adam's presumably going to spend a lot of time around Makayla, and so forth, will probably get a lot of firsthand experience of seeing racism or it's affects. Like I know we wish he'd see if bc of Kev, and he does with a lot, just not other stuff, but it's different when you're seeing it through the eyes of a little kid, not a grown adult. And I think this will make Adam a lot more humble, which will help patch things up between him and Kevin.

And then there's Kim. People often forget how when you have multiple white friends, when you're hurt, your more knowledgeable friend steps in. Kim gets this stuff a lot more than Adam, even if she can never understand like Kev, and so I can COMPLETELY see her teaching Adam more stuff. Like because she'd want to help her boys, because Adam's a part of Makayla's life, because Kevin shouldn't HAVE to be the one to educate Adam, whereas Kim can bring him up to her own level, and that's when they rely on Kev.

So I think overall, I'm not that conflicted over PD because I'm really hoping this will spark deeper conversations and that Adam will grovel and fix his ignorant stances. And I hope to god they let Kevin heal and forgive in the way he should be allowed to.

I have a LOT more thoughts on this, including how I hate that they only show Adam's ignorance when a lot of the unit is also Not Great, and about partnerships and how Jay and Kev should be going forward. But this is getting really long now, so I won't delve into that or this any further. But I might, especially if it's wanted, because I have so many thoughts.

Also, thank you for sending me this ask!! I am ALWAYS comfortable sharing my thoughts on this fandom (about anything really, racism, sexism, ships ect) but especially the racism and the racial storylines and issues. Sorry it took so long to answer; I've been thinking on it all day, wanting to give you the best answer I could!!

[watasemasaru]

D6, D7, D9, spill that tea

Y'all gonna get my ass friedddd because you know I love to run my mouth LMAO

D) Let's get controversial

6. Do you think Kiryu was a good dad to Haruka and Daigo?

No. Now, the question is was he a good dad, not did he love them - which obviously he did so unconditionally, I'd never dispute that. The problem is that love is not enough. Trying is not always enough. I see a lot of "he did the best he could," but did he? He took on the task of not just Haruka but eight other children, when he was not emotional or financially equipped to do so. That's certainly not fair to Haruka, it's not fair to the other kids either. He left the Tojo to raise her, but every two years or so, like a bad fucking herpes flair up, he marches his happy ass right back into town to get into shit. Which either leaves this poor girl worried out of her mind, afraid that he's gonna be hurt or worse killed, or she gets hurt and/or kidnapped. If this were real life, that'd be child abandonment, endangering the welfare of a child, probably could tack on couple abuse charges.

That would not happen if Kiryu just...didn't lol.

"This is my mess." Why, yes it is! Which begs the question why you thought it'd be best to ditch the shit show you were party of to play Dad as opposed to just leaving her at the orphanage she was already at? Because you end up going back to "clean it up" and it only gets her kidnapped (you a real one Ryuji for not tolerating that shit)

"Why does this happen every time I get involved?" Because Kiryu, you run away and put the onus of burden on everyone else! You put Daigo in charge because you wanted to raise Haruka. You put Haruka in charge of other children when you run back to Kamurocho. Kiryu never sees anything truly through to the end.

It disturbs me that those children think of Haruka as their mother, when she was their exact same age. That's just unacceptable. What are you here for (when you are here) Kiryu if she's doing the parenting?

Haruka is supposed to be your child, who has been through a life by the time she was sixteen that would make anyone go green around the mouth over. She has been abandoned by everyone she was supposed to be able to count on either permanently or in the case of Kiryu case temporarily on and off. And then we're all supposed to be shocked she got pregnant by the first fucking big head dork who was nice to her as an adult? That she barely knew? This girl is so fucking desperate and starving for comfort and stability and she can't find it anywhere. And that is in large part, Kiryu's fucking fault.

And then he has the fucking nerve, to do it again. This time permanently. "You'll be safe if I'm not around." Gee goddamn golly Kiryu it only took you over a decade to figure that out. Almost like you should have just NOT in the first fucking place.

And I'll tie this in, since I am already on my soap box. I think it's a crock of shit that all the blame is entirely placed on Mirei. Kiryu pushed her just as fucking hard to leave, because he was already having his pity party about not doing enough and putting Haruka in harm's way. Yakuza 5 was his test run in leaving her behind in Yakuza 6. Mirei might have been crass and abrasive, but she saw the writing on the wall, and IT IS a fucking shame that a girl like Haruka thought that it was just a-ok to live in poverty and be parentified into raising other children, have one her own, and then go right back to finishing raising those kids.

As for Daigo, I do not and will not ever see their relationship as father/son. They're eight years apart, that's sibling ages. It creeps me out and makes me mad, because just like Haruka had no business being seen as the other kid's mother figure, Kiryu has no business being seen as Daigo's father figure. And I do not give a fuck what that letter in Y6 says, Yokoyama can keep that flop among his many others lol.

In regards to Daigo separate from the dynamic, be it father, brother, friend, yada yada yada, fuck Kiryu for putting that kind of responsibility on him simply because he didn't wanna do it himself. Daigo was clearly not meant for the position of chairman. He struggled the entirety of his tenure, and the one fucking person he really needed for support, would not extend it. "Sorry Daigo, I'm over here abandoning this other person that sees me as an important figure in their life, but good luck though!"

I get, that without it, we wouldn't have a story. But if your story can easily be ended by miss man just not answering his phone or telling uncle-dad kashiwagi to fuck off and find a chairman on your own I'm busy making curry with my kids? Maybe your story isn't where it needs to be.

7. Who is the least engaging protagonist?

Hmm, I wonder LOL. I just, cannot bring myself to care about Kiryu or his problems when if they are not directly of his own making, they are remnants of past problems he never dealt with.

But After, how can you even like these games and have dedicated four years of your life to this series that stars Kiryu? Easy, everyone around Kiryu is what makes this series one I adore.

9. Any hot takes?

Ties into answer six I think it fucking sucks shit that y'all will not extend any grace to Mirei because she was meannnnnnn and will proudly say she deserved what she got, but will put on rose colored glasses or flat out act like the marriage between she and Majima just didn't happen or happened differently to fucking absolve him of his actions. Smells. Gas leak in your bedroom behavior call the landlord to get a plumber.

[thebluelemontree]

I’m sorry, @anabel7631​ but there are some very incorrect assumptions here. Lady did not die because Sansa lied.

"Joff told us what happened," the queen said. "You and the butcher boy beat him with clubs while you set your wolf on him."

"That's not how it was," Arya said, close to tears again. Ned put a hand on her shoulder. "Yes it is!" Prince Joffrey insisted. "They all attacked me, and she threw Lion's Tooth in the river!" Ned noticed that he did not so much as glance at Arya as he spoke.

...

"They were not the only ones present," Ned said. "Sansa, come here." Ned had heard her version of the story the night Arya had vanished. He knew the truth. "Tell us what happened." -- Eddard III, AGOT.

Sansa had already told the truth of what happened to her father the day Arya went missing. That’s how Ned knew immediately that Joffrey was lying and confirmed it with Joffrey’s tells. Let’s be real. Ned is the only adult in that room that even remotely cares what the truth is. Robert will admit on his deathbed that he knew all along Joffrey was lying too, yet he did nothing. 

Sansa doesn’t lie about placing the blame on her sister or Mycah or Nymeria at this moment. The most dishonesty she exhibits is saying she didn’t remember or see what happened:

 His eldest daughter stepped forward hesitantly. She was dressed in blue velvets trimmed with white, a silver chain around her neck. Her thick auburn hair had been brushed until it shone. She blinked at her sister, then at the young prince. "I don't know," she said tearfully, looking as though she wanted to bolt. "I don't remember. Everything happened so fast, I didn't see …"

"You rotten!" Arya shrieked. She flew at her sister like an arrow, knocking Sansa down to the ground, pummeling her. "Liar, liar, liar, liar."

The reason Arya is calling Sansa a liar is because she could not have known Sansa had already told Ned the truth. This is the first time all three of them are together since Arya had run off. When she was found by Jory, they were ordered to go directly to the king and queen. Sansa is guilty of failing to support her sister when she is being interrogated; however, this is still a patriarchal society, and she is being asked to speak against her future husband who is also the crown prince. Sansa tries to mitigate the pressure from both sides by attempting to take a neutral position. Ned never blames her at all for this. Again, Ned already knew what the truth was and he can see that clearly Robert and Cersei don’t really care what Sansa has to say anyway.

Cersei was already gunning for a wolf skin no matter what. She knew Lady had nothing to do with any of this by all accounts, but one wolf was as good as any other. You think Cersei’s history with Lyanna Stark both “stealing” Rhaegar from her as well as Robert obsessing over her since day one of their marriage, PLUS the prophecy of someone younger and more beautiful coming to take all she holds dear doesn’t have something to do with Cersei wanting to punish a Stark girl? Any Stark girl? Take that wolf skin trophy and strip her rival Sansa of her power and protection? This has less to do with Joffrey and more to do with Cersei’s insecurities and need for petty vengeance against a Stark scapegoat. 

It’s not only Cersei making her crazy demand to kill Lady. Robert’s response is to just walk away from innocent parties being killed (passively giving his consent) because he doesn’t want to be harangued by his wife. This business is all a big buzzkill and he just wants to get back to having fun. We already established that Robert knew full well that Joffrey was lying. Ned begs him to spare Lady, but Robert just fucks off. So Cersei’s authority as queen stands, which even as Hand, Ned can’t defy it once Robert co-signed. The only thing he can do is put Lady down himself so Cersei can’t have her trophy.  

That, obviously, still has a negative impact on Ned and Sansa’s relationship as a breach of trust since Ned volunteered and avoided talking to Sansa about it afterward. This was a decision Ned came to regret later when he wondered if he had made a big mistake in killing Sansa’s dire wolf. 

Sansa doesn’t have to regret anything about Lady’s death because she was in no way responsible for that happening. Does she still owe Arya an apology for some of the mean things she did say and the times she didn’t stick up for Arya when she should have?  Absolutely. Is the onus still on Sansa to make the first moves in repairing their sisterly relationship? Absolutely. Arya doesn’t hate Sansa at all. She was justifiably angry and hurt, but she doesn’t hate her. They will definitely resolve those past issues and reconcile. 

Even though Sansa tried to take the neutral position, that doesn’t stop Joffrey from refusing to see or speak to her for a long time. She had nothing to do with Joffrey’s injuries but he shows contempt for her all the same. While Sansa is “in love” with the person she thinks Joffrey is or wants him to be, we have to remember this is still a patriarchy. Sansa has been raised to be deferential to her husband. Joffrey’s cold displeasure leads Sansa to alter her view of what happened after the fact and misplace the blame on Arya for a good while. Joffrey is still her betrothed, so she has to rewrite the narrative because the idea of spending the rest of her life married to a liar and a cruel bully is psychologically intolerable. I’m not saying this part is a good thing at all. Sansa is in the wrong for blaming Arya and Ned to the point of fully excusing Joffrey and Cersei. She is burying her head in the sand and refusing to deal with the truth, which she has known all along because she told her father.  

Sansa will voice that truth when she is warning Margaery and Olenna of what kind of person Joffrey is.  

A shiver went through her. "A monster," she whispered, so tremulously she could scarcely hear her own voice. "Joffrey is a monster. He lied about the butcher's boy and made Father kill my wolf. When I displease him, he has the Kingsguard beat me. He's evil and cruel, my lady, it's so. And the queen as well."

It’s not regret over what other people did that Sansa needs to express. Its dealing with the fact that the reflags were there early on but she couldn’t accept them. Arya had been right to dislike Joffrey and the queen, but Sansa didn’t listen. She thought Arya was crazy and just wanted to ruin things out of spite. In this reversal of positions, Sansa is trying to warn another girl, someone she will view as a sister, about her abusive ex. 

Sister. Sansa had once dreamt of having a sister like Margaery; beautiful and gentle, with all the world's graces at her command. Arya had been entirely unsatisfactory as sisters went. How can I let my sister marry Joffrey? she thought, and suddenly her eyes were full of tears. "Margaery, please," she said, "you mustn't." It was hard to get the words out. "You mustn't marry him. He's not like he seems, he's not. He'll hurt you."

Yes, there is a dig at Arya. Change doesn’t always happen in a smooth progression. Sometimes there are flaws, missteps, and micro-regressions; however, she also thinks “how can I let my sister marry Joffrey?”  

Once Sansa eventually experiences rejection by Margaery and the Tyrells, she will come to understand a bit more of how Arya must have felt when the support of her sister was withdrawn. It’s not conscious thought process, but she is having experiences that should make her more appreciative, mature, and understanding of Arya. ASOS is where Sansa’s thinking on Arya really starts to take a shift toward the positive.  

If Lady was here, I would not be afraid. Lady was dead, though; Robb, Bran, Rickon, Arya, her father, her mother, even Septa Mordane. All of them are dead but me. She was alone in the world now.

We have to keep in mind, until Winterfell is sacked and Bran and Rickon are reported murdered, Sansa believed Arya was at home safe. Now everyone is dead. 

King Joffrey looked as if he wanted to kill someone right then and there, he was so excited. He slashed at the air and laughed. "A great sword must have a great name, my lords! What shall I call it?"

Sansa remembered Lion's Tooth, the sword Arya had flung into the Trident, and Hearteater, the one he'd made her kiss before the battle. She wondered if he'd want Margaery to kiss this one.

Her remembering of the Trident has gone from Arya being the aggressor to Arya being the hero that disarms the aggressor. That’s a total 180 in Sansa’s view of Arya’s actions, where Sansa is now justifying them as an appropriate response.

Then if you just do a search on Sansa’s mentions of Arya in ASOS, AFFC, and TWOW it’s all positive stuff. It’s all good memories, but Sansa thinks Arya is dead and they’ll never see each other again. When the sisters reunite, Sansa will be overwhelmed with gratitude that someone else in her family survived. She’s thinking of Arya quite frequently and the relationship they used to have, so Sansa will be more than willing to do the work of getting back to that relationship. She is primed to have that heartfelt, apologetic conversation to lay the rocky past to rest. The first step in being able to analyzing her own faults is accepting the whole truth and understanding Arya’s point of view and how she must have felt. That’s all there. She’s shown she has done that. ^^^ All that’s needed is for them to meet face to face and be able to hash it out. 

So no, I can’t agree with your assessment of Sansa’s characterization when what you’re basing that off of is fundamentally wrong.  

[96thdayofrage]

Recognizing the vast economic and racial inequalities his students faced, he chose what some might consider a radical approach for his writing and social-studies classes, weaving in concepts such as racism, classism, oppression, and prejudice. Barrett said it was vital to reject the oft-perpetuated narrative that society is fair and equal to address students’ questions and concerns about their current conditions. And Brighton Elementary’s seventh- and eighth-graders quickly put the lessons to work—confronting the school board over inequitable funding, fighting to install a playground, and creating a classroom library focused on black and Latino authors.

“Students who are told that things are fair implode pretty quickly in middle school as self-doubt hits them,” he said, “and they begin to blame themselves for problems they can’t control.”

Barrett’s personal observation is validated by a newly published study in the peer-reviewed journal Child Development that finds traditionally marginalized youth who grew up believing in the American ideal that hard work and perseverance naturally lead to success show a decline in self-esteem and an increase in risky behaviors during their middle-school years. The research is considered the first evidence linking preteens’ emotional and behavioral outcomes to their belief in meritocracy, the widely held assertion that individual merit is always rewarded.

“If you’re in an advantaged position in society, believing the system is fair and that everyone could just get ahead if they just tried hard enough doesn’t create any conflict for you … [you] can feel good about how [you] made it,” said Erin Godfrey, the study’s lead author and an assistant professor of applied psychology at New York University’s Steinhardt School. But for those marginalized by the system—economically, racially, and ethnically—believing the system is fair puts them in conflict with themselves and can have negative consequences.

“If the system is fair, why am I seeing that everybody who has brown skin is in this kind of job? You’re having to think about that … like you’re not as good, or your social group isn’t as good,” Godfrey said. “That’s the piece … that I was trying to really get at [by studying] these kids.”

The findings build upon a body of literature on “system justification”—a social-psychology theory that believes humans tend to defend, bolster, or rationalize the status quo and see overarching social, economic, and political systems as good, fair, and legitimate. System justification is a distinctively American notion, Godfrey said, built on myths used to justify inequities, like “If you just work hard enough you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps … it’s just a matter of motivation and talent and grit.” Yet, as she and her colleagues discovered, these beliefs can be a liability for disadvantaged adolescents once their identity as a member of a marginalized group begins to gel—and once they become keenly aware of how institutional discrimination disadvantages them and their group.

“If you’re [inclined] to believe that ... the system is fair, then you’re maybe going to accept stereotypes about you more easily.”

Researchers measured system-justifying beliefs among 257 students from an urban, public middle school in Arizona. All of the students’ families were identified as low-income, as defined by their eligibility for free or reduced-price lunches. The vast majority of the sample—91 percent—were also students of color: Fifty-five percent Latino, 18 percent black, 11 percent Native American, and 7 percent other nonwhite youth. Additionally, the area, populated by many immigrant families and children, was experiencing social and political unrest due to Senate Bill 1070, a controversial Arizona law that in its original form criminalized undocumented people in the state.

Godfrey asked the sixth-graders to rate their endorsement of the “American Dream” and system-justifying ideas—namely, that America is the land of opportunity where everyone who works hard has an equal chance to succeed. Youth were then asked to rate themselves on various qualities, including their self-esteem, risky behaviors (“stayed out all night without your parent’s permission,” “cheated on school tests,” etc.), and perceived discrimination (for example: “How often have others suspected you of doing something wrong because of your ethnicity?” and “How often have the police hassled you because of your ethnicity?”).

At three points over the course of middle school, the youth rated their self-esteem, behavior, and experience with discrimination. The results revealed an alarming trajectory. In sixth grade, among students who believed the system is fair, self-esteem was high and risky behavior was rare; by the end of seventh grade, these same students reported lower self-esteem and more risky behaviors—with no significant differences based on race, ethnicity, gender, or immigration generation (youth from newly arrived immigrant families and native-born counterparts).

What’s more, for youth who perceived more discrimination from an early age, system-justifying beliefs were associated with less-risky behavior in sixth grade, but with a sharp rise in such behaviors by seventh grade. Godfrey attributes this spike to a “perfect storm” in which marginalized young people are experiencing more discrimination; beginning to understand the systemic and institutionalized nature of that discrimination; and starting to strongly identify as a member of a marginalized group, seeing that group as one that’s being discriminated against. As for why this leads to more risky behavior, Godfrey points to research that suggests people who really believe the system is fair internalize stereotypes—believing and acting out false and negative claims about their group—more readily than those who disavow these views.

And while it’s easy to attribute the increase in risky behavior to developmental changes such as puberty, the fact that the students’ outcomes started high in the sixth grade and then deteriorated suggests that psychosocial phenomena are at play.

“I do think that there’s this element of people think of me this way anyway, so this must be who I am,” Godfrey said, adding that the behaviors—things like stealing and sneaking out—reflect stereotypes perpetuated about youth of color. “If you’re [inclined] to believe that things are the way they should be, and [that] the system is fair, then you’re maybe going to accept stereotypes about you more easily.”

While the sample was relatively small, Godfrey said the findings are informative and mirror prior research. Indeed, previous analyses have found that system-justifying beliefs are associated with lower self-esteem in black adults and lower grade-point averages for Latino college students—though the same beliefs predicted better grades and less distress for “high status” youth.

“I was really interested in trying to think of [early adolescents] as active agents in their world,” Godfrey said, “and as people who can understand and interpret their social world in a way that a lot of research doesn’t recognize.”

“We cannot equivocate when it comes to preparing our children to face injustices.”

David Stovall, professor of educational-policy studies and African American studies at University of Illinois at Chicago, said the paper is a confirmation of decades of analysis on the education of marginalized and isolated youth. It’s a “good preliminary piece” that lays the foundation for more academic study of historically disenfranchised adolescents and their motivations, he said.

“If young folks see themselves being discriminated against, they’ve been told that a system is fair, and they experience things that are unfair, they will begin to reject this particular system and engage in behaviors that will not be to their betterment,” he explained. Stovall said it’s critical to guide young people from “defiant resistance”—defying what they’ve learned to be untrue regarding a just and fair system for all—to “transformative resistance”—developing a critical understanding of the historical context of U.S. society. Educators, he said, play a crucial role in this work.

“We have to ask different questions around school,” he said. “Does [school] contribute further to our [students’] marginalization and oppression? Is it just about order, compliance, and white normative standards that marginalized young folks of color don’t measure up to because the structure never intended for them to measure up?” He also warned educators and youth of color to be prepared for pushback, highlighting the current legal battle over the ethnic-studies ban in Tucson public schools despite its proven academic benefits.

Mildred Boveda, an assistant education professor at Arizona State University, likewise said the findings hold important implications for both teachers and teacher education. “This is of great consequence to … teachers who may think they are protecting children by avoiding conversations about systems of oppressions,” she said, emphasizing that the onus is also on teacher-prep programs to ensure aspiring educators know how to address these controversial topics.

Given her recent experience teaching fifth-graders in Miami-Dade, Florida, Boveda disagrees with the researchers’ notion that sixth-graders lack a full understanding of social hierarchies. Her students on the brink of middle school, she noted, were hyper-aware of social inequalities. Still, she sees valuable insights in the data.

“Unlike the majority of the teaching workforce, I once fit the demographics of the students in this study,” she said, alluding to the fact that more than 80 percent of public-school teachers are white. “I will admit that it sometimes felt risky to tackle these difficult conversations, but this [research] underscores why we cannot equivocate when it comes to preparing our children to face injustices.”

[astudyinfreewill]

I admire you for putting your age in your bio because this site has brain fucked me into intense shame over my age. How do you think about it that it doesn't bother you?

woah, anon, way to make me feel like the cryptkeeper here lkfdslf :')

jokes aside: i'm sorry to hear you feel shamed over your age. you absolutely should not. fandom has always been an inclusive space - it's for everyone, by definition. it’s wrong for older fans to gatekeep fandom spaces and act like “new fans” aren’t good enough, and it’s equally wrong for new fans to believe that “old fans” should just pack up and leave after a certain point. 

but i do know what you mean, because i have seen some truly ice cold takes about how adult fans are “infringing” on fandom spaces. that, imo, is bullshit - obviously adults need to not be creepy and weird about/around kids online or fall on my blade. but once we’ve established that vital truth... the internet is not for kids. adults on line should be responsible, sure - i personally choose not to follow back/interact with anyone under 18, because it makes me uncomfortable - but the onus is not on adults to make sure they keep their fandom interests minor-friendly. 

however i know how that narrative of adults-as-interlopers can get to people; and sometimes it got me feeling self-conscious too. but the thing is - i shouldn’t have to. i’ve been in fandom since i was 15, and adult fans have always been a part of my fandom experience (again, NOT predatory adults - those are a whole different bag of shit, and i was very lucky that i never met one). but as for choosing to interact with adults in fandoms, that was on me (just like lying about my age to read mature fic, lol). i learned so much from fans who were older than me, and some of the best fan content i have ever consumed was made by adults. 

basically, as long as 1) you’re keeping your fandom experience comfortable for yourself, and 2) you’re being respectful of others, there should be no issue. if you don’t want to have your age in your profile then you’re not obligated to put it there. anonymity is part and parcel of the internet! but for me, because part of what i enjoy about fandom is making friends and connecting with other enthusiastic adults, i figure there’s no point in hiding it, nor do i particularly want to. and of course it helps to see people my age - lovely, talented, clever and kind people - put their own age in their bio, because it helps normalise the idea that adults very much are, and always have been, a core part of fandom. and so many of us have been here on tumblr for years, actively participating in/shaping our respective fandoms. 

so, as to your question -- how do i think about being an older fan so that it doesn’t bother me? simple: fandom is for enjoying things, and i enjoy things. i enjoyed things when i was 15, and i am certain i will keep enjoying things for quite a while. that doesn’t mean i will always be in online fandoms, but as long as i’m comfortable with it and i’m not doing anything to harm others, i have just as much right to be here as anyone else. :)

[nothorses]

Because I’m fired up about this and I feel like I have a pretty good handle on my thoughts rn, I just want to talk about the issue of “adult content” and the way kids interact with it online.

1. There is no ethical way to guarantee children won’t see certain content.

This has always, always been a problem, long before the inception of the internet. Kids have always been able to pick up a book, magazine, or newspaper they shouldn’t, they’ve stumbled into rooms they shouldn’t, dug into drawers and through closets, and then gone back and shared it on the playground for everyone else. There wasn’t a way to 100% guarantee it wouldn’t happen then, and there isn’t now.

Our options are basically to either monitor kids every waking moment of their lives (super damaging), or to require “proof” of a child’s age in order to grant them access to certain materials, which is... also a massive invasion of privacy.

2. Adults should not have to live every moment of their lives as if a child is present.

We cannot live our lives in a child-friendly way because life is not child-friendly, and it’s important to talk about that.

Not to mention certain things are differently appropriate for different kids, depending on a variety of factors. Some kids go through traumatic things at a really young age, and need to be able to talk about that and connect over that earlier than other kids will ever know those sorts of things happen again.

This also raises the question “what is child-friendly”, and I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but that’s not something everyone agrees on. And I’m not really inclined to hand the control of What All Children Consume over to a christian mom group that thinks harry potter is satanic content meant exclusively for adult consumption.

Kid’s books in particular regularly address abuse, violence, etc. They just do it in a generally more age-appropriate way.

3. It’s the guardians’ responsibility

This is, in my opinion, the beginning of the issue itself. It falls to parents, family, and other adults in a child’s life to ensure the kids they’re responsible for are interacting with the world safely.

This requires trusting, communicative relationships between kids and the adults around them. This is something that we, as a culture, struggle with. Parents do not know how to nurture positive relationships with their kids, how to encourage trust and communication, and so they often have no idea what’s going on in their kid’s lives at all. Their kids don’t tell them, and so there’s no way for adults to step in and help, heal, direct, and encourage safety and responsibility.

We need to discourage people from having kids they don’t want, promote education around how to work with kids, and shift our cultural understanding of “proper” child-raising and treatment of kids in general. Trust matters, and it cannot be demanded.

4. Internet literacy

The internet is brand-ass new. The majority of parents don’t really understand it very well, and if they do, they aren’t necessarily literate in the same platforms their kids are using.

YouTube is the most-used search engine for most kids, but most adults better understand Google. If kids are wandering into fandom and fanfic, adults who are perfectly literate in internet safety might not even know those things exist.

Internet safety is an issue for kids in particular because of this; they spend a huge chunk of their time online, but the adults around them don’t know how to handle that the same way they know how to handle school, or sports, or the library. It’s new. How is one supposed to teach their kids age-appropriate online safety when many adults don’t even know not to give their social security number to a facebook page?

Possible Solutions??

We need to address the wider cultural issues; lack of internet literacy, lack of education in online safety, and the extremely broad problem of people having kids and then not knowing how to raise them- or raising them in ways that encourage destructive online behaviors.

I believe the first few steps are:

Getting internet safety education into standard school curriculum (this would work great in health classes, etc.), and

Providing childcare education/training to parents and adults with an increased chance of interacting regularly with kids.

For now, the best we can do is:

Provide “for kids” versions of online platforms (YouTube, Netflix, Hulu, FB, etc.) which operate to preserve privacy and prune content (preferably with different versions for different age groups)

Normalize tagging systems esp those that have options to block tags and prune content

Use “warnings” that denote the age group a page is appropriate for, allowing kids to see these warnings and encouraging them to leave if necessary (preferably with some explanation as to why it’s important they listen).

Talk to individuals, use your platforms to educate folks on the subject, and normalize a culture of age-conscious internet safety. (Without harassing people!)

Kids will defy these, parents will ignore them, people will lie, etc. The point is just to minimize damage as much as we can, to bring awareness to the issue, and to put the onus where it belongs: on the adults in a kids’ life, and more gently, on the kids themselves.

[carriemaya]

COMING HOME — Healing from Housing Instability

CW: Childhood sexual abuse, parentification, slibling abuse, religious abuse, and PTSD.

INTERGENERATIONAL FAMILY TRAUMA

I grew up with a lot of material privilege: a beautiful home on 2 acres of property, cable TV, ducted heating/cooling, always had food on the table, and went to a private Christian school (even if it was through a bursary programme). I even had singing and piano lessons (and went to performing arts school with Zachary Ruane from Aunty Donna — true story!).

But there was a maelstrom of abuse going on behind closed doors.

What my five siblings and I experienced varied from child to child; a combination of sexual, physical, psychological, and spiritual abuse — from parent to child and sibling to sibling over the course of many years. While the onus for violence, volatility, and religious fundamentalism was on my parents, they were also the facilitators of beautiful moments of genuine care and joy — a toxic dynamic born of traumatised adults who find themselves the parents of little children whose entire world they’re responsible for.

And because our nervous systems remember things that we would choose to forgive and forget, it laid the rocky foundation for the early onset of a plethora of complex mental health issues that I still experience today.

And while my parents weren’t all bad or all good (as is the case with most people), the culture they created or allowed, made way for fractured relationships between my siblings and me — and unfortunately these sibling relationships became the catalyst for my personal ongoing housing instability and a deeper, more chronic experience of psychological damage that years of therapy, self-help books, and spiritual healing sessions haven’t been able to heal.

-

My siblings were traumatised by the person I was growing up. I was parentified from a young age and stepped into the mother role. At around 10 years old, my parents forced me to physically discipline my siblings. But I had the head and heart of a child which meant that I wielded power with all the wisdom and responsibility of, well, a child.

It caused lots of damage because I was the scary one in their eyes (not my parents) which set me up to be alienated from my siblings pretty much from the get go. I could be awful to them. But I also loved them and simultaneously felt responsible for protecting them against my parents. I look back at the moments born of these confusing dynamics and I can pinpoint them as the place in my life where my personality started to fragment.

When it came to trying to protect myself, my siblings, or to reason with my parents, I yelled. A lot. My voice was the only weapon I had to use against their size, age, fellow adult allies, and economic power.

I thought that by yelling I could get through to them — to help them wake them up and see how much their kids were suffering because of their behaviour. I didn’t learn until I was an adult that my brothers and sisters resented me for this as they wished I had just been quiet. The toxic culture in my family was normalised and my railing against it was seen as the cause of our household drama.

I was Crazy Carrie. The mentally ill one who yells a lot.

While experiencing abuse from my parents, I also abused my siblings.Thankfully, they weren’t subjected to the same kind of treatment I received from my parents as the eldest child. But unfortunately because of that, it meant they weren’t privy to the ways I was being tormented behind the scenes into becoming the kind of child I was. They remember me as an abuser. And why wouldn’t they? And as an adult with space and time between us, I can also accept that their feelings and opinions about me are valid.

But the thing that breaks my heart is that they don’t seem to remember the good things I tried to do for our family — or sacrifices I made. Like when I dropped out of high school in my final year to cook, clean, and be their emotional support because my father forced my mum to go work outside of the home full time. It was my dream to be the first person in our family to finish high school. B that honour went to my brother. I’m proud of him and glad he got to do it. Yet at the same time, it feels as though the things I tried to do right count for nothing.

And I guess that’s the complex nature of intergenerational family trauma.

Everyone’s a victim and no one comes out unscathed.

THE BEGINNING OF HOUSING INSECURITY

When I was 18, my father was eventually removed by The Department of Human Services.

And we turned to a church for hope and support. We were then exploited and abused for 6 years. You can listen to that story in full detail here.

[TLDL version: inappropriate touching of me and my siblings by church leadership, encircled by a group of church members in a prayer meeting and forced to take communion while crying and choking on breadsticks and cranberry juice, the pastor putting wedges in between children and their parents so she could be their mother).

My siblings and I had explosive relationships before going to the church. But after what we experienced at the hands of our former pastor, the dysfunction and dissension multiplied 50xfold. They became toxic and so did I. Our home, post-church, became a cocktail of trauma, brainwashing, and siblings hurting siblings.

Upon leaving that church, I became aware of how toxic I had been in so many ways. I started apologising to everyone in my family as soon as I became conscious of it. I still wanted to hold onto my faith and I wanted to process what we’d been through so that we could heal.

Unfortunately, the siblings I have had the most conflict with over the years — and I — had such deeply opposing perceptions about our behaviour toward each other.We all have contrasting feelings about who should be taking responsibility for what. Or what had transpired between us over the years and what hadn’t.

They told me that I was selfish for wanting to talk about what happened and that if I truly wanted to move on, I would just do it. I felt constantly shut down and dismissed by them — just as I had with my parents growing up when all I wanted to do was to connect by bringing things out in the open for two-way, exploratory conversation.

In conjunction with this, because of how much shame and self-hatred I had for the way I had been growing up (and who I’d become at church), I believed that even if I felt hurt by their behaviour now, that I should allow them to treat me however they want because maybe that’s what they need to do to heal.

But no matter how much I apologised or tried to change, it felt that they were committed to misunderstanding me because they wanted me to hurt as much as I’d hurt them. Which I understand because their pain and trauma needs a voice. And because I was the cause of so much of it, their frustration and anger landed squarely back on to me.

I guess they just didn’t realise how much I had been hurting, too.

This eventually led to me going into fawning mode. And I was eventually forced to leave home because of the bullying that I experienced at their hands. I felt really betrayed by my mum who allowed certain things to happen without standing up for me, a feeling which triggered painful emotions associated with the way she singled me out for abuse as a child.

When I finally left home, I told her that I wanted nothing more to do with her. And that if she ever wanted a relationship with me again she’d have to earn it.

Note: I’m sure you understand that I can’t share everything about my family in detail. This blog entry is actually a redraft of a much longer, much more explicit, piece that explains all the awful things I did to my siblings and all the awful things they’ve done to me. We’re all adults now. And at this stage we’ve all traumatised each other. It’s unfair. And it sucks for every single person involved.

When you are driven out of your housing by personal circumstances or through danger to your person, it’s a complete upheaval. Personally it was utterly jarring when my family situation led to me needing to leave before I was ready. Especially when it was catlysed by the dismissal of me and my survival needs in preference for another sibling who was causing literal damage to our house (among other things).

Once I’d moved out, I crashed. A sort of emotional paralysis took over.

And I’ve carried that paralysis and accompanying dissociation with me for the last 7 years. Every move bringing it to the surface and causing me to plummet into the self-hatred and fear associated with being driven out of my home in the first place.

Anyone who’s rented knows that good housing situations are the luck of the draw.

Throughout all the moves I’ve made in the last decade, some have been a dream: like Jake and Beth who were fellow live-in mentors to an at-risk young person for the Vista Lead Tenant Program where we had beautiful chats about faith, doubt, politics, and played Jackbox TV games. Like the international sharehouse where I learnt Farsi from Reza and Shohra — an Iranian immigrant couple who didn’t even have a mattress to sleep on but would invite me to eat almonds on the blanket they had laid out on their bedroom floor.

The majority of them, though, have been utter nightmares.

Like the one where I was being stalked by a neighbour in the unit behind mine. When I told her to back off, she retaliated by making a false report to the police — saying that she was fearful for the lives of her fiance, her pets, and herself. I was taken to court and the mediator saw through her straight away. Thankfully, he was incredible and encouraged me to file for a cross-order/ intervention order so that she didn’t just have one against me. Which would give me some measure of protection against her if she wanted to start making trouble for me. I agreed. That SAME day, she breached it and came right up to my bedroom window and started looking around my unit.

Another time, I moved in with a man whose Gumtree ad I responded to out of desperation for a place to stay. Then after a week, he told me that I wasn’t allowed to file for rental assistance from Centrelink because it would cut into his welfare benefits. I agreed because I needed a roof over my head. And it also didn’t take long to learn that he was an alcoholic who stayed up all night listening to the radio up to 11 and I found myself unable to sleep.

And finally, the nightmare of my most recent living situation up until two months ago. I lived next door to two meth addicts. Let’s call them Tarzan and Jane.

They were good enough neigbours until COVID-19 hit. I think it’s because they used to party at other peoples’ places before restrictions were implemented but couldn’t anymore.

The drugs, the psychosis, the cackling-witchy ramblings of Jane, and waking up to her yelling in the street early morning after early morning

One time, they had a 17-hour bender.

He groaned in this deep, demonic sounding voice for 40 minutes. She began to tell herself a story. At 4am, Tarzan stood at my bedroom wall shouting, “Fuck off, poofter” for 15 minutes. I dragged my mattress into the lounge and closed the door while they continued to party hard to loud music for a further 7 hours.

I spent most of 2020 sleeping in my living room because I was so scared. It triggered PTSD episodes for me on a daily basis.

Then Jane passed away from an overdose.

The woman from across the street (we’ll call her Julie), started coming over to visit Tarzan all the time. He started putting up a fence without permission from the landlord. I felt like reporting him at first, but decided to leave it alone.

And one of these days that she came over to visit Tarzan, I hear Julie start yelling about me through the wall. It wasn’t just about her being a bitch. She was another loud, rude, scary person disturbing my right to a peaceful home and I decided enough was enough.

I decided to confront them.

I grabbed my phone because I knew that if they reacted badly without video evidence of their actions towards me, nothing could be enforced by the authorities.

I’m glad I thought that far ahead because Julie physically assaulted me, snatched my phone away, and then smashed it on the ground. It turned out Tarzan had received a breach of lease notification from the real estate agency for the unapproved fence and thought I had reported him.

Because the attack was caught on camera, when the police arrived and saw the footage and damages, they arrested her and charged her with unlawful assault.there anymore. But that was it. I couldn’t stay there anymore.

The physical attack by my neighbor was just the beginning of a series of injuries that would also take their toll on my well being.

At the end of October last year, just after the assault, my friend Tash graciously offered her home to me while she and her husband lived in Melbourne short-term for his cancer treatment. In exchange for looking after her cats, I received rent-free, bill-free accommodation while I looked for a new place.

I needed a safe place to recover and roll out the first session of my online coaching programme Mother Mary Speaks, so I promptly moved into Tash’s and was able to run my first session.

One week passes, I’m working at my desk, and I get up to move around a bit because my legs have fallen asleep — my ankle crushes beneath me. I rolled it and couldn’t get up.

I ended up in hospital with ligament damage.

So there I was, living in interim housing, $300 in my savings, a cat in tow, unsure of how I’m going to afford a new place and whether I’ll be accepted by a real estate agency even if I can (because I am self-employed and don’t yet have a livable wage/ am still receiving Centrelink benefits). And now I can’t walk. Oh, and I’m running a 6-week programme where people need me to hold space for them.

And each day I’m without a home, I’m cripped more and more by PTSD associated with housing and family.

THE CONSEQUENCES OF CONSTANTLY MOVING FOR 7 YEARS

Moving is expensive.

Like really expensive.

Transporting furniture and possessions is really pricey if you hire a professional. And honestly I’ve never been able to afford it. Which has also been really hard as someone who doesn’t drive due to having seizures since she was in her teens.

The stress of having to coordinate help when your former pastor made you believe that anything you express needing help with makes you a selfish taker of resources — someone who is unworthy of their faith for not putting it in God’s hands only. The anxiety and shame from those past conversations and beliefs about myself are almost unbearable at times.

Then there’s the cost of bond and first month’s rent. And all the utility connection costs that can really add up depending on how old a property is or what kinds of outlets and wiring a place has installed.

During the last 7 years, I managed to support myself financially for nearly 2 whole years with a livable wage. Because the work was flexible and online, it meant that I could work around the PTSD episodes and manage the effects of my Borderline Personality Disorder (like chronic self-harm urges, sui* ideation, and anxiety/ depression). More recently in 2019, I was casually unemployed for about 5 months and then COVID-19 hit and the work fell through.

I have been building a business using my life experience, professional experience, spiritual gifts, and a combination of small wages and welfare payments.

So one doesn’t have much savings or proof of income in these situations. I’ve had to borrow money more times than I can count to make sure I have a roof over my head. And I’m one of the lucky ones who has someone to help me in these situations.

Then there’s the deep-seated uncertainty that comes with constant unwanted relocations. Each move has felt like a deeper, harder blow to the foundations of my stability.

I’ve tried everything to ground myself and make myself feel safe over the years — and thankfully I’ve found many tools to make life more bearable.

And while I’m able to cognitively understand that renting is the reality for so many of us (and that in this day and age, home ownership is a privilege that fewer and fewer people are able to afford), my body and all my emotions have been ever filled with anxious anticipation that life is just about to be pulled out from under me.

The same question arises with each new property, “ What if this was how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? And what if it’s going to continue happening in really dramatic ways like being assaulted or taken to court? What if my life is a never-ending cycle of mental illness, trauma, and housing crisis? Will I ever get a chance at stability? A chance to build something sustainable beyond survival?”

THE END OF HOUSING INSTABILITY

Years ago, when mum began making amends for the ways in which she didn’t come through for me when my siblings bullied me out of home, she apologised to me as much as was humanly possible.

And while the journey toward reconciliation was far from smooth sailing, each year has seen our relationship blossom and grow. She has spent the last 7 years since earning my trust back. She hasn’t just said sorry. She’s made recompense where possible.

She has helped me with transport, paying rent, bills, bonds, moving costs, and has been an incredible rock of strength when I’m experiencing extreme mental illness symptoms. No one understands me or holds space for me with the love and strength that my mama does.

I’m open with her about the fact that I’m writing this article. I’m a writer, I need speak my truth. And the cost-benefit analysis of sharing the story of our healed relationship comes out as a choice with lots of benefits. I also want to say that I don’t just forgive her. I adore her. She is actually my most favourite person in the world and I can’t imagine my life without her. She even told me last year that she has left her house to me in her will because she wants to make sure I’m taken care of when she’s gone.

I’ve come to learn the ways in which her life was shaped by family trauma and abuse. And how that flowed down into our family unit.

She’s had her world destroyed over and over again. And I couldn’t see that when I was younger because all I could think about was that I needed her — in the ways a young child needs their parent.

But as I’ve grown older, I look at her with so much gratitude and compassion.

Because being an adult is hard. And life is mostly hard. And being an adult, with trauma, when you have children must feel insurmountable. Yet she never gives up. She never stops. She keeps coming back to our relationship to be the mum I need.

And this is exactly what she did when I got ligament damage at Tash’s house.

She moved in with me and took care of me every day for two months. While also working during the day from the office (because of COVID-19). It’s been a beautiful time of bonding.

During this time, though, she’s watched me struggle immensely. Because of inaccessible housing opportunity after inaccessible housing opportunity. The houses that are affordable are high-risk for dangerous neighbours and my mental health couldn’t handle another attack. And even they are so expensive that I couldn’t rent them.

Then on top of this, the rental market in Gippsland isn’t what it used to be. People from Melbourne have fled here in droves to escape catching COVID-19. bUT Their relocating and renting out all the properties with their big city incomes means that there’s hardly anything here for the locals who fall within the lower socio-economic bracket.

Time to leave Tash’s home was coming to an end and I had nowhere to turn. I ultimately secured the last affordable caravan in Gippsland and was going to live on mum’s front lawn. But then one day, about two weeks ago, she comes back to Tash’s after being out for the night and says she has some news.

She tells me that she is giving me her house.

Yeah.

Not the house I lived in with her and my siblings 7 years ago. She’s since moved into a home that I’ve never lived in.

She’s been in Gippsland for over 30 years. She’s originally from Melbourne way, and she’d like to do a bit of a homecoming of her own. Because she loves all six of her children and can’t fix all our divided relationships, outside of her working hours, she wants to be a wandering mama.

She’s decided to keep one room in her house for when she lives with me, and then she’ll be renting a place with one of my sisters who has been needing to move to Melbourne for her job (as commuting so far was exhausting her). And I get to start decorating it exactly how I’d like as though I already own it.

It’s going to be my forever home. From now until I inherit it (which will hopefully not be for decades to come). And then from when I inherit it until I decide to sell it (or not).

I’m a little shocked. The symbolism of this beautiful, full-circle and healing gesture is not lost of me.

Thankfully my siblings are pretty high-functioning people who have material stability and are building the lives they want. And I’m really glad for them. Even if I don’t have relationships with most of them. I want to see them grow and prosper. And receiving this generous gift from my mum is her way of taking care of me and ensuring I keep growing and prospering, too.

It’s the proof I didn’t know I needed that I am as loved as my siblings.

HOUSING PRIVILEGE

Some of us choose the nomadic life.

Some of us buy or build our own homes.

Some of us are living from rental to rental knowing that we’ll never be able to break the cycle.

And even worse still are those of us who end up on the streets because they can’t afford any of the above.

I can’t speak for everyone, but experiencing both homelessness and unrelenting housing instability drove me to the brink of madness. That’s not an expression. I mean, as much as I’ve healed myself in so many ways over the years, I was starting to lose my mind after living through these consecutive housing traumas.

I don’t care what anyone says: people don’t need to just learn how to make their bodies their homes and learn to make themselves feel safe. That’s New Age bullshit. The reality is that just like children need shelter and stability from their parents when they’re growing up. All people need shelter and housing security that isn’t going to be taken from them. They need to know they are loved and safe, and having a home helps ensure that. There are only so many grounding techniques, meditations, and reframes that one can do before the instability of housing insecurity hits sends you spiraling mentally

Coping every now and then isn’t flourishing.

Never having a solid, unmoving homebase to trust in so that a person can build their life financially and relationally is common but not normal. Or healthy. Or okay.

I’m 32 now and I work hard on my mental health. I have taken radical self-responsibility for my life and the direction it’s going.

But no matter how hard I work or try, I can’t hustle my way out of complex mental health issues that affect my ability to work in a mainstream job (and thusly earn the money that I need to live a comfortable life). I’ll never stop trying to build a degree of wealth that can help me make ends meet. But I will NEVER AGAIN shame myself for not being able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and climb my way up the socio-economic ladder.

The capitalist narrative that we live in a meritocracy where all you have to do is work hard and you can get everything you want is a lie.

The capacity to work varies from person to person. And this isn’t just in relation to physical disability but disabling mental health experiences.

I’ve struggled for 7 year up until yesterday, and all of a sudden I’m someone with housing privilege. I didn’t earn this home. It was a gift from my mum.

But don’t I deserve it? Doesn’t everyone deserve this?

I say a hearty yes.

And yet, it feels bizarre because I don’t know myself as a person who isn’t struggling to survive.

I know it’s going to require a LOT of unpacking. My identity needs to evolve so that I can adapt to this move.

WHAT NOW?

My body still holds a lot of fear around what some of my family can do to me. And moving into this home feels a little bit scary because of it. I asked my mum if she’d agreed to signing a written agreement with me. Something to support my right to be in this home if toxic sibling relationships bleed over into my housing situation again. She is the best. I can’t celebrate her enough for going the extra mile here to prove that she loves me and wants what is best for me.

Because of the familiar instability story, I’m feeling scared to trust that I have a home or won’t be driven out of this house, too.

But I’m choosing to put faith in my mum now. And in the 50% possibility that this situation can work out really, really well.  

I get to return “home” and give myself the parenting I never had.

And I’m devoting 2021 to figuring out what this means. Integrating it and working through the painful associations with it.

Fulfilling little dreams like: the joy of being allowed to put pictures up on the wall, creating Pinterest boards for each of the rooms in my new home, watching Workaholics with the sibling I still have a relationship with, and feeling peace because I know my cat can call it his forever home, too.

Adapting to the fulfilment of bigger dreams like: freedom from  landlords and real estate agents, and knowing that I can finally put down roots.

Where the repeated upheaval of my life was a constant trigger related to feeling unloved by my siblings and mother, it’s being replaced with a  home that represents my mum’s love for me; a testament to relationships that are worth fighting for, parents who are people with their own stories and need a chance to be seen in their humanity, and children who never stop needing to know that they are loved.

Follow me on Instagram: @heycarriemaya

[ruffboijuliaburnsides]

I love how everyone is getting mad at your for using the same words that person used in their post lol like what even happened why are people so mad at you. if i walked up to someone and said “i have TITS” and they were like “uh?? what about your tits??” i couldn’t just turn around and get mad that they mentioned ‘tits’ when i has literally brought it up publicly. i love your blog a lot and enjoy your content, and thought your addition was funny and harmless. i hope they don’t get ya down

to be honest, if they’d said EARS i would’ve said the same thing.  The thing I found funny about it was the fact that the wording kind of implied that they might have SOMEONE ELSE’S BODY PART with them, and that’s what I was commenting on.  I wasn’t trying to make anything sexual, especially as the first post wasn’t really sexual to begin with.

Since it was tits, if i’d known the op was a minor i wouldn’t have said it, but i’m not sorry that i didn’t somehow divine the OP was a minor.  Even if i made a habit of checking profiles - which i don’t and don’t think should be a thing for random posts like that - i wouldn’t have been able to see they were a minor, so honestly I am just gonna let the hissy fit happen and move on.  I’ve blocked them, so they won’t have to worry about me interacting with them anymore at least.

That said, thank you for your concern anon

I went through the Great Social Circle Implosion of 2017, i ain’t bovvered by a little bit of teenaged hissy fitting.