#the only two people who are able to deeply understand me right now have had intense days and I don't wanna burden the

[letteredlettered]

Hello there! I recently read your thoughts about By the Grace, in which you mentioned that you've never been happy with how it turned out. (I am one of the readers who love BtG, btw, I found it transformative in the sense that i loved it so much that I felt changed afterwards. my comments trace my slow disintegration 😅). I wondered if you'd be willing to share which fics of yours you like the best - which fics came out as you wanted them to, which fics make you feel understood and known? (Totally understand if this is too personal an ask btw but just thought I'd see if it's something you'd like to share).

Well, hi. You sent this ask in August of 2022. I am apparently very very behind on a lot of things. I just had a lot to say to you and didn't have the energy to say it. I'm currently dealing with some health issues so fandom is actually now one of the only things I have energy for, so here I am.

The first thing I want to say is how glad I am that you liked By the Grace. It's hard not to love something I've written, but I think it shows so much about our humanity that something I find so deeply imperfect could be something that really worked for you. Thank you so, so much for all your kind words.

The second thing I want to say is that for me, the fics I like best are the one that came out as I wanted them to, but they are not necessarily the ones that make me feel seen and known. For instance, I wrote By the Grace because I felt upset about the world, and I also felt upset about some things in fandom that felt like an ugly reflection of the world in a place where I didn't want to have to think about such things. The fact that people love BtG, in spite of its flaws, makes me feel that people understood what I was trying to say, no matter how imperfectly I said it; they care about its message and its values, even if I couldn't deliver those messages and values in the way I hoped and worked for.

Another example is The Way Down. The Way Down is one of the first Harry/Draco fics I ever wrote. I started writing it in 2007, and I was in a very difficult place at the time. It was two years after I finished college; I still wasn't doing anything with my life; I felt like a failure. I started to want to stay inside, never leave the house, never see anyone I knew, never do anything but talk to people on the internet all day long. Incidentally I felt very lonely and left out of the fandom I wanted to be a part of, which was H/D. No one was interested in my writing and I couldn't make friends in that community. I couldn't finish the fic. I got myself out of that situation, moved across the country, got a job, made new friends, and also stopped caring as much about whether my fic was popular. I was able to finish the fic because I as a person changed, and that fic reflects both parts of that journey. I don't actually think it's a good fic; some of the characterizations are too fanon for my taste; some of the scenes are a bit too silly; a lot of the deeper parts don't go deep enough. But when someone loves that fic, when it really touches someone, it's like they're loving me as I was then, loving the fact that I got myself out of it, loving a person who can struggle in that way. And that means so much to me.

Meanwhile, Away Childish Things is a perfect fic to me. It came out exactly as I wanted and said so much about both Harry and Draco that I had been wanting to say, that I felt I hadn't been seeing in fic. I knew it was good when I was writing it. Frankly, I thought people would like it, and I was right. I'm not sure that people loving it makes me feel seen and understood. It's not like ACT isn't a personal story for me--it's terribly personal! But I don't think it's saying things that make me feel bad about myself, or that I think other people or the world are struggling with. It's a sharp story that I think many people can identify with from different directions.

In terms of fics that turned out exactly as I hoped, The Eighth Tale is another such fic. It always makes the list because I had this idea for so, so long--a fic in which the war didn't go as it was "supposed" to, but instead drags on and on and on, a fic in which the canonical ending is glimpsed, but other endings are glimpsed too, a fic in which universes collide into the idea that the ending is never set, it's always the choices we make that give us our own endings. But whenever I imagined such a fic it was half a million words long, and while such a fic sounds interesting, I am so glad that @tacktigerfic would come along so many years later to write that grand epic. Meanwhile, what I had in mind was just a little paradox timey-wimey business that should take only 15-20K to get out into the world. I just didn't know how to do it. But finally, I read a fic that really inspired me with its voice (in a completely different fandom; it's Crow on the Cradle by Refur in SPN fandom if anyone is interested) and it helped me to understand I would need a very particular narrative voice to make this fic happen. Then I sat down and wrote it in about two or three sittings. It's exactly what I meant to do.

Ginny Weasley: Dragon Slayer is a similar fic in that it did exactly what I wanted to, and I wasn't sure I would get there. I think both of these fics are things I often think of as perfect because I have a habit of having rather small ideas that quickly turn huge and unwieldy. It's why BtG is a problem, imo. I love that I was able to make these fics concisely what I wanted them to be, no more, no less.

There are fics in other fandoms that are exactly what I want them to be: Sincerely Your Pal, in Captain America fandom, Say More in The Untamed (CQL) fandom. The End Resting Only on Air is the perfect end to my series of fics in The Walking Dead fandom. I still think Or Even Rearrange You has the best Tony Stark voice I've read, and that's cool because I wrote it. The Chuck Writes Story for SPN fandom is one of the cleverest and most incisive things I've written, because it's about SPN fandom more than SPN--and I happened to write it before SPN even had the mythos that it does now. But in terms of fics that make me feel seen/understood and I'm perfectly happy with how they are written, Responsible Science in MCU is always my answer to which fic I've written is my favorite fic for a reason (although it's actually a series). That Lesson Alone in Schitt's Creek fandom is probably one of the most personal things I have ever written, and I wouldn't change a word of it.

But in H/D fandom, if you want a fic of mine that I'm happy with, that came out exactly as I envisioned, and makes me feel seen and understood, only one fits the bill: The Pure and Simple Truth. I actually don't think the writing is perfect--I would tighten it up a little, maybe. But it's exactly what I wanted to write, and it was so fun to write; I still think it's fun to read. But on top of that, this fic is also trying to say something about morality that I think is really fundamental to who I am. It's trying to say things about friendship and forgiveness that I believe with my whole soul. It's trying to say things about conversation, what that means for people, what that can build, what community is and what it isn't. I've gotten a few comments over the years from people saying they didn't really understand it. I've also gotten a lot of comments yelling at me about it because there isn't a kiss at the end. I've also seen people saying that the fic is suggesting that Neville's a bad person because he struggles to forgive folks who tortured him, which is the exact opposite of what the fic is about.

But when people do get this fic, when they comment or message me to tell me what it means to them to see folks who have hurt each other, some of whom have been actual torturers and part of hate groups, come together and grow from that, discuss that, and learn to love in spite all of that...wow, that makes me feel like the things I care about aren't just mine; other people feel that way, which is a wonderful feeling.

[jules-van-hering]

It's (tumblr) public breakdown time 🥳

[deathbxnny]

Loved your writing of arcane characters saying things they regret during an argument. Would you be willing to do a version with Jayce, Viktor and Silco? I apologize if you don't prefer to write about these characters, you can ignore this

Arcane men saying things they'll regret during an argument. | Viktor, Jayce, Silco x Gn!Reader

Oh, I absolutely am willing to do that, Anon!! These are going to be pretty irredeemable, though, so there is not going to be a part two to this... anyways, enjoy!!<3

Content: Season 2 spoilers!!, heavy angst, hurt/no comfort, break ups, swearing, gaslighting, toxic behavior, sfw

Reader has no mentioned pronouns.

((Not proofread))

》VIKTOR

"This... isn't you anymore, Viktor. A-And I refuse to keep lying to myself like this either!" You hissed out one night, unable to keep it in any longer. You were losing your mind in this compound of his, unable to understand how seemingly no one was able to recognize how wrong everything was. People who were "healed" by him weren't the same after. They turned into robotic and uncanny husks of their old selves.

A terrifying sight that unnerved you deeply. And only you here.

The nail in the coffin was perhaps the skeptical appearance of Councilor Salo. Never in your life had you ever seen him give a damn about anyone but himself. He lived a life of riches and materialism, far from the selfless and minimalistic lifestyle found here. But after your boyfriend healed him of his inability to walk, he suddenly preached the same ideals that everyone else did.

Peace, love, and community.

Those were the important pillars of this idyllic place Viktor had created, and yet you couldn't see past the clear red flags that weaved themselves in their white attire. You were never much of a genius like he was, but it didn't take much brainpower to understand that this was not a great place to be in. No matter how hard he attempted to convince you of that.

"... I'm sorry you feel that way. But I'm afraid I can not follow your reasoning for this claim. I am myself... just someone greater. More meaningful. Isn't that beautiful?" His voice was so gentle and patient in comparison to yours. Something that wasn't unusual to him. But the way he used that tone now made you sick. "Terrifying is a better word, actually... Why can't you see that this is just wrong? You're not healing anyone-" "-But I am. Look around you. Is that not enough for you to finally believe me, my love? I want to create a better world... one in which we can live freely together." Your mind spun, his words ringing in your head dangerously. And you hated every second of it.

This isn't the man you loved anymore. He must have died that fateful day when the sky fell from above, and he covered you with his body to save you. His last act of kindness as your boyfriend and lover before he perished and left behind whoever he was. And you'd be damned if the last good memory got tainted too.

"No. I will not let you play with my mind anymore. I've had enough." You pushed past him, wanting to finally escape this borderline cult. Originally, you had only followed after him because you couldn't bear being without him. Jayce was right, though. He really was different now.

"Hm... it seems like I was right about you after all." You stopped in your tracks yet didn't dare face him. "You truly are not worth saving... you can't grasp the beauty of what I have made. I suppose everyone's claims for your low intelligence were, unfortunately, right. What a shame." How could a devil have such a soothing, loving voice? Why did the monster that now lurked in your shadow have to have your lovers face? The cruelty was too much to bear.

Who would have thought that you'd finally leave him for good after all the years you've taken care of him? This moment felt so surreal and yet ironically freeing as well. The end was near. "Did you... ever even love me?" You asked aimlessly, but didn't wait to hear his answer.

Perhaps if you had, however, you would've seen that sudden spark of surprise in his eyes, as you slipped out of his fingers for good at last.

》JAYCE

You had looked everywhere for him. And after also asking everyone under the sun if they had seen your boyfriend, you had eventually determined that he must've somehow gone missing. Worried sick, it pained you knowing that there wasn't much you could do either, considering that everyone was too busy getting ready for a borderline war and Caitlyn became unreachable as a result. Yet just as you began to lose hope, your dear lover finally returned... but he wasn't the same.

He didn't look the same, nor did he act the same, in fact. He looked so different that it even visibly startled you when you found him rummaging through his once shared laboratory. You had just returned from another wrap around the building in hopes of finding it, and whilst you'd consider yourself lucky this time around, all you now felt was genuine dread.

"Jayce...? What happened to you? I looked for you everywhere and-" You stilled at the intense look he gave you, his face flinching for a moment, as though his mind couldn't comprehend your image. Glancing over at his peculiar weapon of choice, you felt unnerved at how even that looked uncanny. The entire situation was unnerving you deeply, to say the least. "You... You shouldn't be here." He finally muttered, his voice deeper and colder than it ever was. Jayce always had such a fun and warm voice. If you didn't know any better, you would've questioned who he was a while ago.

"Hey... tell me where you were, okay?" You said, trying a more gentle approach as you neared him, eyes focused on his clearly injured leg. Had he been kidnapped? You doubted it. So what made him end up like this? Nothing you could come with explained his appearance. His hair and beard were way longer than they should have gotten in the short span of time he was gone, too.

Reaching down carefully, you tried to inspect his leg, but he seemed less receptive to the idea. Or so you assumed, after he shoved you away roughly and held the hammer to your face at impressive speed. His eyes were glossy, as though he wasn't entirely all there. He was reliving a terrifying moment in his mind, unaware of the horror you were going through. Never could you have ever thought of ending up in this position with him. "Jayce! What the hell are you doing-?" "-Get away! I know what you are... you've been sent by him too, weren't you?" You let out a shriek when he swung the hammer at you, only giving you a fraction of a second to jump out of the way.

Falling onto your behind, you quickly crawled backward and away from him, tears welling up in your eyes. Your scream seemed to at least wake him up, though, as he finally lowered his weapon and blinked at you in surprise. "Fucks sake! What is wrong with you?" You yelled out, yet as fast as his face softened, it hardened again. "... Sorry... I need to leave." Quickly making his way past you, he only barely escaped your presence before you grabbed onto the fabric of his pants. "Why? Where are you going? Why can't you tell me anything?"

The look in his eyes made you shrink away. This wasn't your Jayce anymore. "... The future of everyone in Piltover hinges on me being there on time. Now, make yourself useful for once and get out of my way." Shaking you off harshly, he left you crying on the cold floor of the once lively laboratory, not once looking back.

》SILCO

When you first met Silco, you were both still leading simple lives in the last drop with his brother and all of your other friends in Zaun. The lanes were harsh and, at times, cruel, yet you fought through the agony of it all together. Years down the line later, you find yourself still reminiscing on those heavenly days, particularly those of your lover who had turned for the worst in the time being. And the question of why you didn't listen to Vander's warnings came to mind again then. Perhaps you were just too used to excusing everything his brother did, especially after he had attempted to drown him so horrifically, which left him permanently injured.

But even so... why didn't you just listen? Why did it take so many years for you to finally throw the towel and leave for good? Finally realise that the man you loved was a monster? A disgusting and evil monster who was willing to use the plight of others for his own gain. And for what? Money? Fame? Power? It was all an ego trip you had far more than enough of. Zaun was his playground, and an escape was impossible. You'd be, however damned if you didn't at least try to anyways. Even if just in Vander's honor as a long-awaited apology.

Pushing past the crowd in the stuffy, full Last drop, you finally reached his office upstairs. Not caring about formalities anymore, you knocked and opened the door without awaiting a reply. If death met you behind it, then so be it. "Ah, darling, in a hurry today, aren't you?" "We need to talk. Alone." Short and straight to the point. Raising a brow, he shared a look with Jinx, who was just done giving him his daily "medicine". Oh, how you hated your lover's dearest creation. Shimmer. The exact thing that had ruined your lives for good. But you pushed away your disdain for the task at hand.

Giving Jinx a dismissive wave of his hand, you waited for her to be gone for good before taking a breath to speak. But Silco beat you to it. Always so painfully perceptive. "The answer is no, if you're here asking to leave. I refuse to let you go, dear. You have no one else but me after all. You wouldn't survive on your own." He always underestimated you, so this wasn't an all to surprising response. And if you were just a couple of months younger, you would have maybe agreed and backed off. But you were sick of his games.

"I didn't come here to ask for permission, Silco. I'm here to say goodbye." The slightest, softest crack at the last word gave you away horribly. You certainly didn't expect your feelings for the man to betray you, but even that won't stop you now. Said man just hummed in response as he stood up to face the window. His hands calmly lit a cigar, very much unbothered. But you knew that your sentence had gotten to him anyway with how his hand shook ever so slightly. Out of anger, most likely.

"So you think you can do whatever you want? Leave after you've spent so many years at my side? Your hands aren't as clean as you think they are, darling. Even yours are a bright violet." A reference to the shimmer vials on his desk. He knew how much you hated it, so this felt like a jab. A jab at the deep guilt you felt every day for enabling the death of all of your friends indirectly. If only you had stopped him from the start... then maybe you wouldn't have to feel the dread that ruined you from the inside anymore.

"I've accepted my flaws and sins a long time ago. I may not be better than you... but sometimes, in order to end the cycle, you have to walk away and leave some things behind." You suddenly felt so content, his cold and terrible words not reaching you anymore. You were so close to leaving. So close to leaving Zaun and Piltover like you've always dreamed. But Silco just scoffed in disbelief.

"Hah, don't give me that self-righteous shit... I've been there for you for so many years, dear. I've taken care of you, fed you, and loved you to my best ability for so long. The least you could do is be grateful for my kindness." "So you think I'm a burden?" The silence was deafening, but it was enough to confirm your long-standing suspicions. He had lost his love for you a long time ago. Perhaps the side that loved you so purely drowned in the river with him.

"... Goodbye. I hope one day you can walk away too." You turned and began walking out then, suddenly realising that it's finally over. Shoving your hands into the pocket of your coat, you felt the ticket for the skyship you had to take. "Don't you dare leave. Don't you dare it-" All bark and no bite as usual. There was no stopping you now, and he knew it. He was letting you go after all. You could just hope that one day he'd listen to your words and end the cycle, too.

What a shame that you won't be there at his side to see it, however... maybe in another life then.

[ryanguzmansource]

September 27, 2024

Ryan Guzman is currently filming his next thriller: Midnight and, in his talk with Xmag, he takes a tour of his professional career. Despite his current international projection as an actor, Ryan Guzman did not plan to dedicate himself to acting at first. The American actor and model began to get interested in mixed martial arts when he was only seven years old and, after winning his first black belt when he was ten, he was a mixed martial arts fighter in Sacramento until 2010. A shoulder injury prevented him from continuing with his dream and he redirected his career working as a model in various magazines and brands such as Abercrombie & Fitch, Affliction and Reebok. Everything completely changed when he got his first starring role in Step Up: Revolution. “It changed the direction of my life. It was as if I was launching myself into a world that I had only seen in the distance.” The dance franchise was an international success and Ryan tells us about the process he followed for the films, which, according to him, has always been the same over the years. “I try hard at something new without fear of failure. I do it this way because I know that I can fail at the beginning of anything I try. The goal is to learn from my failures and be open to new ideas when it comes to acquiring and perfecting a skill.”

His career as an actor continued in 2015 with the psychological thriller The Boy Next Door, which as Ryan explains, gave him "an invaluable perspective on the business side of the entertainment industry.” In the film, he shared the limelight with Jennifer Lopez and Ryan tells us about his experience working on the film and what it was like working with her. "Jennifer's life is something that most people won't be able to comprehend because it involves A LOT. She's a superstar. He has a million things going on at the same time. I had a great time collaborating with her and the director, Rob. They both made me feel very comfortable. It was so much fun playing the bad boy!” From a psychological drama about a woman who falls in love with her younger neighbor, Ryan jumped to play Eddie Diaz in the police drama series 9-1-1, which tells the story of a Los Angeles rescue group willing to attend to any emergency. The series underwent a big change after its transition from the FOX network to ABC and Ryan explains how that has affected his character. "Eddie's character has evolved a lot since his introduction into the 9-1-1 universe. As in any great evolution, destruction must occur in order to rebuild something new. The transition from FOX to ABC came at a perfect time for my character and I was able to represent that evolution through destruction just before another defining event in Eddie's life. Season eight is about Eddie making peace with his demons and finding self-love.” Being a series that deals with extreme and challenging situations, Ryan describes how he prepared physically and psychologically for those moments. "Empathy is the key. I draw from what I've experienced and my understanding of it; then I use the truth of those encounters to connect with the character. As for my physical fitness, I keep practicing martial arts." Recently, one of his latest projects has been the fictional comedy The Present, starring Isla Fisher and Greg Kinnear. Ryan explains that the possibility of working with these two actors was one of the reasons I chose this film. “The moment I saw that Isla Fisher and Greg Kinnear were involved in the film, I joined the project. These are two actors I've always wanted to collaborate with. Working with Isla was a dream, she gave me a lot of love and knowledge and Greg is someone who I have always enjoyed watching perform. Also, the theme resonated deeply with me, as I was going through a divorce at the time, which made the story especially relatable.”

Right now, the American actor is involved in the filming of the thriller Midnight. "I received the script from writer Lamont Magee and when he asked me if I would be interested in one of the roles opposite Rosario Dawson, he didn't have to say much more to capture my interest. 'Midnight' was an opportunity to show action in a way that I haven't been able to do as much as I would like as an actor.” According to Ryan, the thriller promises to be an intriguing story and one that will surprise the spectators. "I think seeing Rosario Dawson come face to face with Mila Jovovich is intriguing enough, but then you add the layers of her sister's character, played by Alexandra Shipp and the truth is that the audience is about to discover a lot of twists and surprises.” As immersed as he is in his work, Ryan ends the interview by expressing how grateful he feels to have a community of fans and followers who have always been supporting him. “I cannot fully express the depth of my gratitude to those who have found my work entertaining and have continued to support my career over the years. THANK YOU!”

[afurtivecake]

One thing I've been wondering is how much did Riko really see Kevin as a brother and how much did he see him as a possession? (And is there really a distinction between the two in Riko's eyes?) Because, I don't think Kevin was ever meant to be Riko's brother or Riko's equal on the court. I think Tetsuji took Kevin in as an investment, nothing more:

"Tetsuji never formally adopted Kevin. Do you know why? Moriyamas don't believe in outsiders or equals. Tetsuji took Kevin in and took over his training, but he also gave Kevin to Riko—literally. Kevin isn't human to them. He's a project. He's a pet, and it's Riko's name on his leash. Sakavic, Nora. The Foxhole Court (All for the Game Book 1) (p. 88).

To the outside world, Tetsuji taking custody over both Riko and Kevin would have looked like him adopting them and making them brothers, but "Moriyamas don't believe in outsiders or equals" so what reason would he have had to lead Riko to believe that Kevin would be his brother? A brother implies a level of equality. He probably thought this will be a learning experience for Riko: give him something to be responsible for, something that he has to learn to control because he's a Moriyama and it's about time he learned how dominate lesser beings. He probably imagined Kevin to be something like Jean was: an obedient servant who can take being beaten within and inch of his life semi-regularly, no sense of autonomy, blindly submissive, and still able to be one of the top players in his position. A valuable right-hand man perhaps, but nothing worth kicking up a fuss over.

I think (and this might just be me wanting a good story) that the whole "brothers" thing came from Riko. A neglected kid with nothing and no one to call him 'family' receives a boy, who doesn't have anyone to call him family either, and is told, "This is yours now. This is yours to mind. Do whatever you want with him but make sure he knows his place and knows how to obey the right people." To a kid who's longing for something to call his own and someone to recognize him as family, that could easily have sounded like, "This is yours now, your person, to be by your side always. Yours to tend, yours to keep, yours." I think Tetsuji said "possession" and Riko heard, "brother". And if that's not what a brother actually is, well, who's going to tell him that? It's not as if there's a single example of a normal family relationship to be found among the Ravens.

I think Riko made Kevin his brother because he wanted something more than a possession. He wanted an ally, someone who always has his back and would never leave him. Riko making Kevin his brother instead of just a pet as was intended, gave Kevin a degree a freedom that Tetsuji probably wouldn't have allowed otherwise: travelling outside of the country with Riko, not always being stuck inside Evermore, studying what he wanted...he even got to have interests and to enjoy exy even when he wasn't playing (being a Trojans fan) and he managed to have friends outside of Evermore (Jeremy). Ravens don't have family or an identity outside of being a Raven, but Riko made Kevin his brother and gave him the chance to become his own person.

If Riko considers Kevin a brother, how can he turn around and hurt Kevin like he's nothing more than a possession, you ask? Well, I'm not sure he sees any conflict between the two. To Riko, beating Kevin up isn't outside of what Riko understands as "family" and doting on Kevin as a brother doesn't go against what Riko sees as ownership. To Tetsuji, ownership might only include being able to treat a person like shit without consequence. But for Riko, allowing Kevin freedom and indulging his "whims" probably feels as much like ownership as hurting Kevin without recourse does.

It seems impossible and stupid for their relationship to be anything other than toxic and deeply fucked up, but I think Riko selfishly believed that so long as he kept things in check, so long as Kevin stayed exactly where he was, he'd get to keep him. Even when Riko starts suspecting that other people are starting to see that Kevin might be better than him, even when being brothers is no longer useful to him if he wants to prove that he's really a Moriyama, Riko can't let go of their brotherhood. He doesn't give Kevin up until the very end. He can't. No matter how angry he gets at Kevin, no matter how much he comes to enjoy seeing Kevin hurt and sorry, there are lines he can't quite bring himself to cross. Because Kevin is still his brother. Because for better or for worse, he made Kevin mean something more to him than a possession when he made him his brother.

I don't think Tetsuji expected Riko to cling on to Kevin as though Kevin was actually important. He didn't think that by partnering the two, by giving them a common goal and a common enemy, that it would create a bond between them. But they did and maybe, in some ways, their dysfunctional relationship both saved them and doomed them.

[night-night-stories-before-bed]

You Truly Are A Merchant of Death.

Warning ⚠️; mention of human sacrifice, mention of the future end of the world, blood, grief. 🔞

Pairing; Tony Stark/ Cult!Leader!Male!Reader

Summary; You were an enigma, a mystery that Tony never really understood. That was made your charm. That was what made him fall and allow you to pull him in the dark.

Note; How the hell did I write that Mastodon??? I think that is the longest story I have written until now. I think I am like around 3k words if not more but that is because I love Tony ❤️

~~~~~~~~~~

The coldness was infiltrating the armour and Tony could feel his fingers and toes going numb. His body shivered, trying to keep him warm to no avail. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't move. He was stuck in his amour waiting to die.

No one had come for him and Tony doubted anyone would.

That was until he heard his armour cracking as someone tore it open. Tony blinked, trying to adjust to the sudden light when his mask was taken off before his eyes fell on you. Leaning above him, he could see the sparkle of joy in your eyes behind your own mask. Your gloved hand rested on his cheek for a second before you spoke to him.

- “Who did that to you, Tony?”

Your voice was soft, gentle like always but there was an edge to it like you are trying to hide your anger. He tried to talk, to tell you everything, but Tony only managed to cough, his throat way too dry. You hushed him like a scared child, fingers brushing off the blood on his lips.

- “Okay, don’t talk right now. I’ll get you out of that thing in no time, and will speak when you are better.”

Tony wanted to ask you how you were going to free him but never had the chance to open his mouth. With your bare hands, you ripped apart his amour, being so careful around his ark reactor. Once he was free, Tony sat, panting while you petted his back telling him to breathe deeply.

His eyes stared at what was left of his armour and noticed it had corroded as if you had used acid. No, not acid, Tony corrected himself mentally, but magic. How could he forget that you could use fucking magic, something he didn't understand, to do even more weird shit.

Tony had so many questions, among which why were you here? You were his enemy, a villain that he had tried so many times to stop and failed to. You had no reason to help him. But here you were, taking off your ceremonial robe to put it on him. Tony couldn't hold back the sigh of relief when he felt the warmth from your robe enveloping him.

You helped Tony to stand up and he leaned against you, feeling frail. Which wasn't a surprise when he had passed the night in the cold and was probably suffering from hypothermia. Yet, Tony felt his body turn to ice when his eyes landed on the dozen of silhouettes standing around the two of you. They were wrapped in the same kind of ceremonial robes masks, but of a different colour than yours.

Your followers.

The members of your murderous cult.

Tony tensed as he felt your arm wrapping around his waist as you kept him close to you. Your body radiated heat, more than any human should be able to. You looked at him and Tony felt all his fear and worry disappear. He was safe. Which was a weird thought since you had murdered more than a hundred people. Sacrifices for those things you called your Gods.

- “Come on. Let us bring you home, Tony. You went through enough for now, you need to rest so you can tell me all that happened.”

Your velvet voice was hypnotic and Tony found himself nodding before he followed you. Your followers began humming something he couldn't understand as all around you things began to transform. The walls melted and the ground cracked. Slowly, everything transformed and before he knew it, you two stood in his lab.

You helped him sit down before going to grab him a bottle of water. Without thinking about it, he took it from your hands and drank it almost all while you sat by his side. It was the first time you two weren't fighting and Tony didn't know what to think about it. He was supposed to stop you and make sure you couldn't kill more people, but instead here he was, being cared for by you.

Tony groaned when he saw you summon the first aid kit. You patched him up, without a word but your eyes spoke for you. He could see sadness and anger flashing in your eyes. After what felt like an eternity, you were the first to spoke.

- “Tony. What happened?” You asked with a honeyed voice. “Who did that to you?”

- “Roger.” He croaked, his eyes staring at the floor as he felt tears building in his eyes. “It was Roger and Barnes.”

And just like that, he told you everything. From the botched mission in Sokovia to the murder of the Wankada’s king to the Accord, without forgetting the tensions in the team. Tony closed his fists as he recalled Steve’s betrayal and the battle that cost Rhodney his legs. He chocked telling you about the video of the Winter Soldier murdering his parents and then his battle against Steve and Bucky.

He told you how Steve hit him in the chest with the shield and then abandoned him.

You sat next to him, hand gently caressing his back as you listened to his story. You squeezed his shoulder when he finished his story.

- “I am sorry, Tony. Very sorry about your parents, they didn't deserve such an end. You were right to be angry at Steve for hiding it from you.”

Tony could only nod, chasing the tears from his eyes with the sleeves of your robe. It smelled like you with a touch of blood and sea. A bit fishy too.

- “Anyway, how did you find me? Why do you care?” He asked, blunter than he intended, but you only chuckled.

- “The hows aren't a mystery, I simply used magic to localize you. And how couldn't I care? We are friends after all.”

This time it was Tony who laughed. Friends? Friends? He had tried so many times to catch you and even fought you, severing your limbs and hurting you, yet you called him your friend?

He looked at you only to see honesty in your eyes. Gods, you were serious.

He snorted and looked away, wondering how in hell did you managed to see him as a friend after everything. You were sicker than he thought.

- “So what now? You expect me to stop trying to conter your plan of world destruction and just stand watching while you butcher and sacrifice people?” Tony asked, sarcastic, making you chuckle.

- “No matter how hard you try, you cannot stop me Tony. You could throw me in a bottomless pit and the end will still come. The fate of our world was written a long time ago and there is nothing we can do to stop it from happening. If it isn't me who will free Them, then it will be someone else.” Your voice was sweet as you finished cleaning his cheek. “But fear not. You’ll be long dead when it happens. The stars won't align for a few more centuries.”

Tony sighed as he felt a cold shiver run down his spine. Your words sounded like a dead sentence, like there really wasn't anything to be done and that opposing you was useless. So many death. None that could be avenged.

- “I don't expect you to stop, Tony. I know you won't, but I wish you would pour your energy into something more rewarding.” You added when he didn't answer you. “You have the greatest brain I ever met and you put much of yourself into everything you create. You could do so much more if you didn't focus on me.”

Again, you were right. You knew him more than he thought.

Sighing, Tony shook his head, feeling anger rise in his heart.

- “Yeah, and what did it get me? Ultron was a terrible mistake that took too many lives and even destroyed a whole city. The Sokovia Accord? It tore the team apart and got me a fucking shield in the chest!” Tony snapped and threw the empty bottle of water against the wall. He felt tears fill his eyes. “Whatever I do, whatever I make it only leads to destruction.”

- “You truly are a merchant of Death, Tony.”

Your words were like a slap in the face and Tony fought back a sob. No matter what he did, he would always be stuck with that title right? Burying his face in his hands, he ignored yours squeezing his shoulder.

- “Don't be sad, my friend. Some of us are cursed with a terrible fate, it is not your fault.”

- “Shut up. Just fucking shut up! You are not helping.” Tony hissed, fingers digging in his scalp.

And you did. You fell quiet but stayed close and Tony knew it because he felt your eyes on him. He tried to fight it, but failed as tears rolled down his cheeks. He was an idiot. A moron who destroyed everything he touched and always disappointed his friends. He couldn't forget what Barton had told him, couldn't forget Roger choosing his parents’ murderer over him. After everything, he had been thrown away like a dirty tissue.

He sobbed as he felt your arms wrapping around him. His first reflex was to try and push you away but instead melted in your embrace. The warmth of your body sank into his, chasing away the coldness from the hypothermia and your smell was familiar, like stepping on his balcony facing the sea. Except you also smelled like fresh blood.

Tony tensed slightly when he felt one of your hands on his as you slowly forced him to let go of his hair. Then, you passed your finger through them, massaging his sore scalp.

- “Don't hurt yourself, Tony. You don't deserve this, you didn't do anything wrong.” You whispered, making Tony scoff.

- “Everything I do is wrong. I’m a walking disaster.” He hissed, looking away as you held him closer against your chest.

- “That is false and we both know it.”

Tony didn't reply. Instead, he rolled his eyes before closing them, resting his cheek against your chest. He sighed when he felt your chin on top of his head, but decided to allow it. It has been so long since he was held like that and since he felt like someone actually cared for him. Which was weird coming from a psychopathic murderer like you.

But Tony couldn't deny that you never hurt him. No matter how much he wounded you, severing your limbs and tearing you apart with his beams, you never used your magic against him. You would talk, tease him about your immortality and then disappear with your goons and sacrifices. Sometimes you would take the beating while talking about your beliefs and Gods, not caring that Tony had his hand right through your stomach.

You truly were an enigma, a mystery that Tony didn't truly understand and a part of him didn't want to.

After what felt like an eternity, you gently nudged him, forcing him up. Tony didn't have the strength to fight you, so he simply followed as you led him up. He sighed as you pushed him into the bathroom and he understood immediately; that he had to shower.

After you got him clean clothes and left the bathroom, Tony took his shower. He stayed longer than necessary under the warm jet, trying to forget everything that had happened but couldn't. The damn video kept replaying in his mind with such accuracy that he threw up a few times, bile burning his throat. Yet you never intruded on his privacy.

When he left the bathroom, he found you had pulled a chair to face the door. You sat with your legs crossed reading one of Tony’s books about engineering. Behind your mask, he could see your curious eyes moving with each word you read and the joy in them. You were enjoying the book and didn't knew how to feel seeing you so… human.

After a few seconds, you raised your head and Tony threw your ceremonial dress at you. It landed on your head and you laughed, thanking him before putting it back on. He ignored you and went to his bedroom, guessing where you wanted him to go next. His wounds burned as he had taken off the bandages, yet didn't want to go through making them again.

He was surprised when you didn't follow him as Tony had expected you would make sure he was resting. Getting under the cover, he sighed realizing you really weren't going to intrude in his private place. He didn't notice when he fell asleep, but Tony hadn't had such a restful sleep in a long time.

He woke up hearing a soft knock on his door. Blinking, Tony sat on his bed and frowned as silence filled the room. There was no light as night had fallen. Through his window, he could see the moon. Large and round, it was almost hypnotic. He shivered has the knock repeated and coughed as he tried to speak. After a few seconds, he managed to call you in.

You entered, your ceremonial robe dancing around your feet as you walked in the moonlight. Like a cat, your eyes reflected it and for a second Tony thought he was facing a predator.

You sat on his bed and rested your hand on his forehead. Tony slapped your hand away, only making you chuckle softly as you were amused by his childish behaviour.

- “I am happy that you rested, Tony. You look already better, even tho those bruises seem painful.” You said, voice gentle and low, as if you thought speaking louder would give him a headache.

You would be right. His whole body was sore as if he had been hit by a train. Groaning, Tony passes a hand on his face, wondering what you wanted, and why you woke him up. As if you could read his thoughts, you laughed before offering him your hand.

- “Come with me. I want to show you something.”

In the dark of the room, Tony stared at your hand, weighing the good and bad of following you. For all he knew you could lead him to his dead. Maybe you had decided he would be the perfect sacrifice tonight. Maybe you planned on devouring his corpse after stabbing him in your unholy altar of debauchery.

Yet, Tony thought, nothing you would do could be more painful than what he had experimented on lately. With a sigh, he took your hand in his. He almost shivered when you squeezed his hand as you got up, waiting for him to do the same.

Tony wondered if he had lost his mind. He followed you as you led him across his house and then outside. Barefoot, Tony shivered as he felt the cold damp sand against the soles of his feet. The sound of the waves crashing had something calming and eerie at the same time.

You stopped close to the water, close enough for the tide to tickle his toes. Your thumb gently strokes his hand, making small circles before you let him go, entering the sea silently. Tony can do nothing but stare at you. Under the moonlight, your ceremonial robes seemed to glow slightly. The broderies at least. They formed strange designs, some alien to him and others weirdly familiar as if they were memories from a dream he had since long forgotten.

He watched as you pulled out a round piece of golden metal from your sleeve. You murmured something, like chanting, but so low Tony couldn't understand anything, then dropped the piece of metal. The sea swallowed it up and a soft light began to glow from the water. A pulse of energy disturbed the waves and water while a soft buzzing sound rose like a bee flying around his head.

- “Fear not, Tony. I won't let anything happen to you, you are safe by my side.” You said and Tony almost wanted to believe you, even tho he didn't know what you were protecting him from.

In the distance, Tony saw a small boat rocking with the waves. There were flickering lights coming from it and Tony recognized them as coming from lanterns or torches. He opened his mouth, ready to ask some questions, but before he could chants broke the silence. They were loud and made the air vibrate. Turning his attention to you, he watched as you moved your hand. A maelstrom began to form, becoming bigger and bigger until a tunnel formed.

- “I am not bringing you in for the choir, Tony, but for something way more exciting.” You said, offering your hand once more in an invitation to follow you.

For a second, Tony hesitated and almost stepped back, but his feet moved against his will and he grabbed your hand. The sea was cold and he felt the water soak the bottom of his pants. Normally it would bother him, but right now he didn't care. His eyes stared in awe as the tunnel closed between them while the current made them move like a treadmill. They move without walking.

Around them, Tony can see the fish swimming. For a quarter of a second, he even spots a great white shark killing its prey. He is so fascinated by everything that Tony doesn't even realize that time and space fold around them. Before he can understand what is going on, the tunnel comes to an end as everything turn black.

The water took a gloomy greenish tint and seemed to even glow slightly as if a few glowsticks had been thrown in it. Stepping out, Tony realized you had taken him into some kind of cave. But it is not really a cave as he looks up and sees the night sky. No, not a cave at all, more a crater. The moon is hung above them, enormous, so big Tony thought it was about to crash on Earth. The strangest thing was that some stars seemed to be black and yet shined brighter than Northern Star.

- “Where are we?” Tony asked, his voice wavering as he walked around, not looking where he was going occupied he was staring at the weird stars. “I’ve never seen stars like those. How are they black and shining? That doesn't make any sense.”

- “There are things in this world that don't make sense, Tony, and which would make you go mad if you tried to understand them. As for where we are, we are still on Earth. I just took you home.” You replied to him, walking by his side and looking up too. “What you are seeing are the stars of Carcosa.”

- “Carcosa…”

The name rolled on Tony’s tongue, but he couldn't pronounce it right. He heard you clearly yet his tongue refused to cooperate. He frowned as it almost felt familiar. Yes, Tony had heard that name before, he was sure.

- “Along the shore the cloud waves break, the twin suns sink behind the lake, the shadows lengthen in Carcosa. Strange is the night where black stars rise, and strange moons circle through the skies but stranger still is lost Carcosa. Songs that the Hyades shall sing, where flap the tatters of the King, must die unheard in Dim Carcosa. Song of my soul, my voice is dead; die thou, unsung, as tears unshed shall dry and die in Lost Carcosa.” You sang before turning your attention to him and Tony plunged his eyes into yours. “Cassilda’s song describes it pretty well in a beautiful poem. You might have heard it from The King in Yellow, a play from around 1895.”

- “Maybe… I don't know, but the name is familiar.”

Without another word, Tony began exploring the place. There are desks and bookshelves filled with books and scrolls and even school boards covered in a language Tony doesn't understand. It's primitive and yet complex.

Something else caught his attention.

An altar of black-greenish stone covered in offerings of incense and meat surrounding an idol. The thing was made of a green stone and looked terrifying. It had the appearance of a mix between an octopus, a dragon and a parody of a human. Sitting on a throne of the same colour, the creature seemed to be looking directly at him with its many eyes.

- “Cthulhu, Priest of the Great Old Ones, he who sleeps in R’lyeh dreaming, waiting to be free once more.” You said as you walked up to the altar, fingers brushing the idol almost lovingly.

Tony approached as well, his gaze drifting to the mural behind the altar. The gravure represented aquatic creatures as massive as the whales they hunted. They looked oh-so human and yet so far from one. The gravure had the same style as the idol and seemed almost as old.

- “Those… those are the things you are worshipping, aren't they?” Tony asked, feeling sick. How could such abominations exist? How could they be real?

- “Indeed. This mural represents the Deep Ones, inhabitants of the bottom of the seas and oceans and servants of Dagon.” You explained pointing at the creatures. “Sometimes they pass a deal with mortals. In exchange for gold, they get to reproduce with humans. When they reach maturity those offspring then join them underwater where they live and serve Dagon.”

Tony didn't know if he was supposed to be horrified or impressed that people were ready to fuck those things for gold. How far were people ready to go for money and riches? Even he would never stoop so low, not even to save the world.

As if you had read his mind you laughed and shook your head before signalling him to follow you. Again, Tony did. Why? He didn't know, but something, like a little voice in his head, was telling him to just do it. You showed him around, presenting more idols and gravures, even books and scriptures.

Tony’s curiosity and scientific mind won over his disgust and mistrust as he listened to you speak about your cult and its history. You had the books and scrolls to show as proof and Tony felt overwhelmed when you mentioned that your Great Old Ones were extraterrests. Memories of New York flooded his mind and Tony felt dread fill his head. He barely calmed when you rested your hand on his shoulder. Tony grabbed your wrist, holding so tight he knew he was going to leave marks on your skin.

- “Everything is fine Tony. They aren't the same kind and you have nothing to fear from my Gods. They cannot hurt you and I promised you to keep you safe, didn't I?”

But Tony couldn't answer. His lungs refused to work, preventing him from breathing and his heart was racing so fast in his chest that Tony thought he could feel every single piece of shrapnel around it. Gasping for air, Tony fell to his knees, tears threatening to escape his eyes. When you wrapped your arms around his trembling body, Tony grabbed you for dear life. A gasp and whine escaped him when he finally could breathe again.

- “That's it Tony, deep breathe. Do not stop breathing my dearest, you got it. I am right here, you are not alone and you are safe.” You whispered in his ear, gently rocking him and trying to help calm his panicked state.

Your hands on his body burned his skin through his clothes, but Tony didn't care. It had been so long since someone had held him like that and it felt just right. Your body fitted his just perfectly like the missing piece of a puzzle. Closing his eyes, Tony focused on you and your voice.

After what felt like an eternity, Tony finally calmed down. He felt so tired, his body empty of any form of strength or energy. He could fall asleep in your arms if he was given the chance, which was strange because he didn't fully trust you with his life. Even tho you were the only one who never hurt him.

- “If you feel the need to rest, do so Tony. I will carry you back home and lay you to bed.” Your breath tickled his ear and Tony shook his head, not wanting to embrace Morpheus. “Hush now, I won't abandon you my dearest. I will be only a whisper away from you and who knows? Maybe you shall have good dreams tonight.”

Tony rolled his eyes when you called him your dearest. What a flirt you could be some time.

After that, you took him home with the same trick you used earlier, but this time you held him against your chest. Your hand rested on Tony’s hip and he swore it was burning his skin through the pants of his pyjama. The walk back to his place was quiet, but the good kind. Tony didn't feel uncomfortable or anxious, but fine and relaxed.

As he went to bed, he watched you put some books on his desk for him to read later. It was strange how in your place you seemed as if you belonged in his room. Tony quickly chased the thought away as you turned toward him.

- “If there is anything I can do for you, just ask me, Tony. I will happily help you in any way I can.”

Tony looked down, away, almost ashamed of what he wanted to ask. The video of his parents’ murder and his fight against Roger kept replaying in his mind. He couldn't forgive Steve for lying and keeping such information a secret or for choosing a murderer over him. Especially after everything they went through and what Tony did for him.

- “I want Roger… I… I want you to find him and Barnes and bring them back to me.” Tony said, closing his eyes and turning his head away.

Silence fell between the two of you as you took in his request. For a moment, Tony feared you would refuse to help, but then he heard your footsteps then felt your hand on his shoulder.

- “If this is what you truly want, then I will. Rest my friend, I will contact you once I get my hand on them.”

Tony opened his eyes the second you moved your hand away, but you were already gone. He was alone in his room.

The night passed, then days which soon turned into weeks. Tony had no news from you and he didn't dare call or even whisper your name. He regretted asking for Roger and Barnes, not knowing what you were going to do to the two men. You weren't the kind type after all. Well, except with him.

Tony also took the time to read the books you gave him. They were theologic and historical about your cult and its beliefs. Tony was surprised at just how old it was, not expecting it to be as old as the Mesopotamian era. But here it was.

He also had to deal with Ross. Tony didn't want to expose you, to tell the world about your existence and that you stood by his side. It was selfish of him and for once Tony didn't care or feel bad. He didn't even care that Pepper wasn't around anymore, too focused he was on thinking about you.

But Ross bothered him day and night, so Tony finally admitted being in contact with you. Explaining to Ross what you were and your capacities wasn't an easy task and convincing the man that you were on his side was even harder. Yer he managed it. Someone like you was a dream come true for Ross surely.

Then he had the most surprising visitor, someone he never thought he would see again; Doctor Stephen Strange. Unlike before, Strange has changed his tuxedo for weird clothes that reminded Tony of yours. The second Tony laid eyes on Strange, he had a bad feeling.

- “Stark, we need to talk.” Strange had said with such a serious voice that Tony thought he had committed a war crime… again.

- “What do you want, Strange? Money? You clearly must be desperate to come to me wearing that. I pity the poor clown you stole it from!” Tony had replied, unable to content his sarcasm.

He didn't expect anyone to come find him as he admired the sea. Ever since that night, Tony couldn't see the sea or ocean the same. How could it when now he knew what swam deep under the surface?

- “Your friend, that's why I need to talk with you before you do something stupid again. Do you even know what he is? What he plans to do?” Strange asked, voice harsh almost angry as he stepped in front of Tony.

They've just started talking, but Tony already wants to punch the man in the face. Who does Strange think he is to come to his place and talk to him like that? He did nothing wrong. It's not his fault he can't stop you.

- “Yes I know who he is, I know what he can do and what he plans to do. What do you want me to do about it? I literally can not kill him or even cut his limbs, I know I've tried in the past.” Tony snapped, walking away and turning his back to Strange, who kept following him.

- “If you know all that already, then how can you stand there and let it happen? How can you be friends with such a monster?” Strange asked, raising his voice as his anger exploded on Tony.

That was enough for Tony to snap. Before he thought about it, Tony turned on his heels and the next second his fist collided with Strange’s jaw, knocking the former surgeon to the ground. They both groaned in pain and Tony held his hand, massaging his bruised knuckles.

- “Son of a bitch! You know nothing, nothing, about the fucking shit I've been through and why I do what I do! And who the fuck care? It's not like people expect me to do anything else than fuck up and blow shit up! Right?” Tony snapped, kicking a rock with his shoe and sending it flying away. “I just make mistakes and get people killed all the time! That's why they call me the damn Marchant of Death, right? So yeah, I ain't doing shit because it will among to nothing!”

Panting, heart racing in his chest, Tony stared at Strange as the man sat, spitting blood on the floor. God, Tony thought, he really hit the man harder than he wanted. Not that he had wanted to punch him! Yet, Tony didn't regret it.

- “Now, leave me the fuck alone and go back where you come from. I owe you nothing, Strange.” Tony spat before quickly going back to his home.

What wasn't his surprise when he found a letter resting on a tuxedo in his bedroom. It was written by you, an invitation to join you for a surprise. After so long, Tony knew what it was; you had gotten your hand on Steve and Barnes as you had promised. For a second, Tony stared at the letter and the clothes, wondering if he should join you. Why not? He had nothing left to lose and Steve wasn't his friend anymore, the veteran had made it clear.

After changing his clothes, Tony put on his armour and went to the dress you gave him.

The address him at a church facing the ocean. Made out of stone, it seemed to be centuries old and yet still stood proudly. As he landed and approached the doors, the bells began to ring above him as if announcing his arrival. With a deep breath, Tony opened the double doors.

The first thing he saw was you, maskless and standing proudly behind the altar. You opened your arms in an invitation for him to approach, which he did. Every banc inside the church was filled with your followers. All of them had taken off their masks and hoods, some looked at you while others had their head bowed and prayed in a language Tony didn't understand.

Then he saw them.

Steve, Barnes, Natasha and Clint were kneeling, tied with what looked like slimy tentacles and looked beaten up and starving. Roger had lost the spark in his eyes while Barnes had his eyes turned so far away, that Tony wondered if he was still sane.

- “Our most important guest had finally arrived! Welcome, Tony. As promised, I have found your former friends and your parents’ murderer for you.” You said, voice echoing in the church.

His former teammates raised their heads, staring at him in confusion and surprise. Especially Steve who looked both hurt and betrayed. Bastard. After everything, he dares act as if it was Tony who had stabbed him in the back?

Swallowing his anger, he ignored the rest of his former team and turned his attention to you. You circled around the altar and walked up to him, arms still open as if you were going to hug him. Which, thankfully, you didn't. No. You just rested your hands on his shoulders and squeezed them gently.

- “I am happy you joined us, Tony. It wouldn't have been the same without you my friend.”

- “I asked for Barnes and Roger, not Clint and Natasha. What do you want to do with them?” Tony asked without looking at them.

- “Tony, you know him?” Steve’s voice was weak and harsh as if you had him swallow a galleon of sand. “Why…”

- “I haven't decided yet, but after all the pain they caused you? I will find the perfect punishment.” You said as you both ignored Steve.

Your words filled Tony with warmth as he sighed softly. It was still so strange to him that you cared so much about him after everything. You were doing more for him than anyone else ever did, being ready to hurt his former friends just because they hurt him. They were the true heroes, he was just a mistake and yet you choose to stand by his side.

Tony looked at Steve, feeling only anger and betrayal. Gone were his softness toward Captain America, replaced by hate and disgust.

- “My father was your friend, he believed in you and knew you were alive. He tried so hard to find you and how do you thank him? By siding with his murderer. You are disgusting.” Tony spat, voice filled with more venom than he wanted.

- “Tony, you don't understand…” Steve tried to talk, but Tony shook his head, stopping him.

- “I don't care. I don't give a fuck if he was brainwashed, used against his will. He still did it. Why does he is forgiven when none of you ever forgave me even when the same happened to me?”

There were no answers. Of course. What did he expect? They never cared, only saw him as a mistake and a liability, wasn't worth their forgiveness.

He was about to jump on Steve when you squeezed his shoulders again, catching his attention. Your benevolent eyes were filled with compassion as you stared at him and Tony felt like he was about to cry. Why did he find a friend in a fanatic murderer?

He looked away as you touched his cheek before you turned your attention on his former teammates.

- “Shame on all of you for the hell you put your friend through. You who used him like a puppet, like something not alive, see what you did to a man who only tried to do good. Did he make mistakes? Yes. Yet where you can find the strength to forgive a brainwashed assassin, you cannot do the same for a friend.”

- “Tony, what are you doing? Why…” Natasha tried to speak, but the tentacle wrapped around her moved to her mouth, gagging her.

- “Tony, you gotta stop this madness!” Clint snapped as he tried to untie himself only for the tentacle to constrict tighter and tighter around him.

Tony could only remember Clint’s last words, how he was a backstabber. He didn't feel anything toward Clint. Nothing. In fact, as he looked at all of them, he realized he had stopped caring. They meant nothing to him anymore. He was just tired.

- “Why? After all, that all I can do right? Stabbing people in the back once they trust me.” Tony said coldly tilting his head as you cupped it in your hands.

They all looked at him, their face twisted with shock and surprise. All, except Barnes. The man was crying silently, eyes staring absently at the ground.

- “I am… sorry.” Barnes said, voice croaking as he had difficulties talking. “I am so sorry. I never meant to do any of this, but please, take your anger on me, not them. They have nothing to do with us, not even Steve. He is just trying to protect me like I use to do with him.”

Tony didn't know what to say and just looked while Steve argued with Barnes, refusing to abandon him. It filled Tony with pure rage. Why wasn't he worth such love and loyalty too? Why was he always abandoned?

- “Really, what do you have planned for them? Are you going to sacrifice them to your Gods?” Tony asked, ignoring Barnes.

- “My, yes! They would make a great sacrife I think.” You said, letting go of his face.

Tony sighed and shook his head, for once not agreeing. He could accept any other kind of punishment, but death? No. For Barnes, death would be mercy.

- “No. Don't kill them, it wouldn't be a punishment. They are veterans and assassins, they are expecting it.” Tony whispered his eyes on them.

- “What would you have me do then?” You asked softly, taking his hand in yours and kissing his fingers. “Whatever you want, I will do my dearest.”

- “Make them read that cursed book of yours. You have it, don't you? The Necronomicon.”

You fell silent, gently squeezing his hand in yours as his fingers were still against your lips. He felt you sighing before you nodded your head.

- “As you wish, but you must know, Tony, that their mind won't survive it. They will go mad and won't ever go back to normal. That book isn't a toy and even I read it with causion.”

- “I know. That is what I want, that is what they deserve. Except Barnes. Let him watch, let him live with his guilt since his mind had already been destroyed.”

Tony turned his head to look at you. He felt tired, and empty and even revenge wasn't making him feel better, but looking at you did. There was so much understanding in your eyes as if you knew his pain. You had accepted him even with all his flaws and errors, calling him your friend and dearest when he had hurt you horribly. You had forgiven him without him giving any kind of excuses.

You were all he had ever wanted, except for the cult and sacrifice thing, but Tony could look the other way. After all, he too had blood on his hands and he knew that with you, whatever the future held, he was going to be fine. You would keep him safe and sound no matter what.

He didn't care about his former friends pleading. No. The only thing that mattered was the taste of your lips on his as he abandoned everything, choosing you as his future.

[actuallysaiyan]

Let Me Into Your Heart(Rufus Shinra x Fem!Reader)

warnings: smut, unprotected sex, use of pet names, smoking, drinking, general lewd stuff, love confessions, promiscuity word count: 1.8k pairings: Rufus Shinra x Fem!Reader summary: you were hired to be Rufus' cocksleeve when times get tough and he's stressed, but he fell so hard for you...yet he feels disgusted to confess to you because of how he's treated you before a/n: this is for he lovely @beneathstarryskies!! I love you and I hope you enjoy!!!

Rufus does all he can to control and contain himself whenever he is around you. You’re like a siren, calling to him dangerously. Your perfume smells a little too sweet, it makes his pants a little too tight at times. Sometimes he has to find a private place to take care of the issue before it becomes even worse.

You were hired specifically as someone who helps him with his stress and his problems. You soothe his needs whenever he needs it, which seems to be a lot more than you realized. When you were approached for this job, you figured you’d be giving a bratty heir to the Shinra company some tips on breathing exercises and some yoga stretches. But Rufus showed you almost immediately that you belonged on his bed, ass up and face down. Despite the sexual nature of your job, you kept your own feelings locked up tightly.

And Rufus believed he was doing the same thing. He thought for sure he could keep himself from falling so deeply for you. You were just a cute little cocksleeve. Nothing more, nothing less. But the more you tried to help him with other issues in his life, and the more you listened to him as you two stayed cuddled in his bed, the more he became aware of the growing feelings. It wasn’t long before he was growing mad at the fact that he had fallen head over heels for you.

You had been hired to soothe his needs, and here you were, invading his every waking thought.

You’re just too sweet, and too beautiful. He believes sometimes you’re an angel sent down to heaven just for him. Someone who would truly understand him whenever he wasn’t feeling very cared for. When the world wanted to beat him over and over and he couldn’t find the strength to hold on for much longer, you were there to show him that things were going to be okay. Your gentle touches and sweet kisses were what kept him up at night. And they were driving him mad…mostly because he wasn’t supposed to feel this way about you.

At times, he begins to wonder if he’ll just end up like his father. Horny and whoring himself around to anyone. He tries to hook up with a few people to forget about you, but none of these women know how to make him feel warm and loved. None of them know what he likes in bed. You know how to get him off without even really trying. He’s just worried that he won’t be able to keep it in his pants if he can’t continue to have you. If he falls deeper for you, then he’s going to have to claim you.

But the more time he spends with you, the more he’s realizing he’s falling deeper and deeper. Rufus grows angrier because this was never supposed to happen. It was supposed to be casual sex and blowjobs under his desk. Never was it supposed to grow into a warmth in his heart where your name remains etched. Never was it supposed to be something so soft and blissful like this. And yet, he can’t deny it anymore. He’s in love with you and this both scares and soothes him.

One night after a particularly long and hard day at work, Rufus finds himself feeling so antsy. He’s scared to ask you to come over, because he thinks this might be the night he confesses to you. He’s not ready for that right now. He can’t just spit out his feelings to you. It terrifies him to think about telling you how he feels about you, only for you to stare at him, or to laugh…or worse to tell him you never want to see him ever again.

Despite you being the person that was hired to soothe his needs, Rufus feels a little off about asking you to take care of him. He doesn’t want to worry you, because he knows you will worry about him. You’ll show him kindness and care, and you will offer to probably make him dinner. The thought doesn’t sit right with him. You treat him like he’s your husband, but it just makes him feel even more dirty.

He sits in his penthouse, sipping on a mixed drink and he’s indulging in his one vice he hides from almost everyone. Plumes of smoke float around as he puffs on a cigar. Usually it would be a cigarette, but he needed something stronger tonight. Something to get his mind off the aching in his cock and the aching in his heart.

One hand holds the cigar while the other begins to palm his cock through his fancy dress pants. He’s thinking about asking you to come here, but with every thought of you being on your knees for him, the more he becomes disgusted with himself. He needs to figure out a better way to deal with him being pent up, but there’s nothing else he wants besides you.

He begins to scroll through his phone, looking for other women he could contact so that he could just have a quick fuck. But he keeps seeing your posts and your selfies, and it makes his cock twitch even more. He takes another drag from his cigar, then he stubs it out in the ashtray. He finishes off the drink, grimacing as the alcohol goes down roughly.

Eventually, he gets too frustrated with himself. He gets up from his seat on the balcony. Nothing is going to quench his thirst like you. Nothing will make him satisfied like you. He texts his driver to come pick him up so he can go to you.

The minute he’s out of the car in front of your place, there’s something that snaps within him. He begins banging on the door, loudly and hard. He needs you more than even he can comprehend at this point.

“Come on, I know you’re in there. Let me in!”

His voice surprises and excites you. He’s ready to show you just how much he loves you, but you really have no idea of his intentions. You figure he must just be over for a booty call. When you open the door, he’s pushing his way inside immediately. You see something deep in his eyes, and you notice just how much darker they are. You’re hit with the scent of his natural musk coupled with whiskey.

“Rufus, what—”

But you’re interrupted with his lips crashing down on yours. It feels so good to be kissed roughly by the man you had fallen in love with. What he never realized was that you had been battling your own inner demons about confessing to him. You figured he’d never want to fall in love with someone so plain and not from a rich family.

“You’re mine, you got it?” He growls in your ear as he begins leading you towards your room.

He’s only ever been here a few times, but every time that he’s here, he’s filled with love and comfort. It’s so warm and cozy in here, Everything bears your scent as well, which only seems to make him want to claim you even more. Once inside the bedroom, he’s pushing you onto the bed. You try to ask him what’s going on again, but he’s shushing you with a deep searing kiss.

“My pretty little baby,” he groans in your ear as he begins to grind against you. “You’ve been on my mind all day.”

Your eyes widen, “Really?”

He kisses you again, this one makes your head whirl. You know nobody can make you feel the way he does. His hands cup your face, pulling you in even closer. Your hands softly caress his back, making him grunt as you begin to massage his tense shoulders.

“How am I supposed to stay away?” he asks, his eyes so dark with lust.

“You don’t need to.”

And with that, you capture his lips with yours in a passionate kiss. He drinks you in, relishing in the way your tongue is so soft against his own. With able hands, he begins to undress you. You’re doing the same to him. Both of you too pent up to take your time. You need each other and you need each other now.

Once you’re undressed, Rufus takes a moment to take you all in. You’re so beautiful, so angelic. A goddess made specifically just for him. You let out a sweet whine when his fingers begin to play with your soaked folds. He loves how you’ve become so wet for him just from some making out.

“I tried to keep myself from you,” he confesses between heated kisses. “But I can’t anymore. I need you,”

You pant, “Take me. I’m all yours.”

He spreads your thighs, and his eyes are locked onto your beautiful glistening cunt. You reach over and begin stroking his aching cock, making him hiss through gritted teeth. He’s in heaven right now, and he knows it’s only going to get better from here.

Slowly, he slips into you. Inch by delicious inch begins to stretch you out. Your eyes roll back the minute he bottoms out. Your hands weakly reach out for him as you try to grind yourself. It’s all too much, you can already feel your walls beginning to contract around him,

Rufus leans in for a sweet kiss, and he knows he won’t last long either. Now or never, he’s going to tell you just how much he adores you. He begins rocking his hips slowly, surprising you both. You figured you’d be getting pounded into the mattress tonight, but Rufus needs you to be so close to him.

“How I have longed for you,” he murmurs against your sweat-slicked skin. “I love you, my angel.”

You gasp at his words. He thrusts deeply a few more times, making the coil in your tummy so tight. You barely have time to warn him that you’re coming undone when the dam breaks. You cling to him as he fucks himself deeper and harder, prolonging that blissfully sweet pleasure. You’re sobbing and moaning and mewling, just holding onto him as he gives you the most heavenly orgasm you’ve ever felt.

“Shit–” he grunts. “Can I? Can I cum inside?”

You nod, “Yes, please! Please!”

His hips stutter as his orgasm hits him like a freight train. It’s intense, throbbing and messy. Ropes of hot cum begin filling up your awaiting womb. You both move against one another, prolonging the sweetest orgasm you’ve ever had. Then slowly, you two stop and hold onto each other.

“I love you too, Rufus.”

And for the first time in a little while, he believes that things can be okay. Things can be okay because he has you.

[pathologicalreid]

Ok, first of all, I'm OBSESSED. You understand Spencer as a character SO well!

Second of all, could I maybe request a part 2 to neophyte? Maybe where reader wakes up in the middle of the night from nightmares (seeing all the faces of those she killed, all the faces of those she couldn't save, or whatever else tickles your fancy) and reaches our to Spencer?

sympathy for the devil | S.R.

previously

Following your previous talk, a bad case leads to you taking Reid up on his offer to help.

who? spencer reid x platonic!BAU!reader category: angst content warnings: anxiety, exhaustion, nightmares, gore (cm), general cm violence, suicide word count: 1.71k a/n: do you remember that episode after m*eve dies where spencer tried to talk that guy out of offing himself? that's where i got the idea for this from. thank you for requesting! i hope you enjoy it!

At the shot of the gun, you launched into a sitting position. Placing your hand over your heart as if it would slow the pounding, you inhaled deeply through your nose.

Using the heels of your palms, you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes and groaned. That nightmare made three tonight alone, always the same, always Josh Quinn. Sighing, you pulled your loose t-shirt off of where it stuck to your clammy skin and got out of bed, walking into the kitchen to acquire a glass of water.

The team had started to notice your exhaustion. Just yesterday, Rossi had taken you for a coffee trip and tried to talk to you about it, but you just told him you were figuring it out. JJ tried to get you to go to a boxing class with her, but you could barely drag yourself out of bed for work, let alone to get your ass kicked.

You tried flipping through your scrapbook. When Spencer told you he hung the photos of people he had saved and victims above his bed, you decided to make a scrapbook.

But you didn’t save Josh Quinn, he killed himself. Blew his brains out right in front of you because you failed. You failed to talk him down off of that metaphorical ledge, and he killed himself.

Months ago, you talked to Spencer about how you had begun doubting your ability to do the job, and he convinced you otherwise. You wondered if he still thought the same. He was the only member of the team who hadn’t reached out to you, so you doubted that.

You swirled your water in the glass and sighed, it was three in the morning, and you had gotten approximately two hours of sleep. Assuming the team didn’t get called out to a case, you should be able to make it through the workday, but it had been almost two weeks since you traveled. You were pushing your luck.

Grabbing your phone off of the charger, you wandered to sit down on the couch. You scrolled through texts. Your mother, whom you had been neglecting to call back, was concerned. She threatened to call your boss, but she didn’t have Emily’s number.

For a split second, your thumb hovered over Spencer’s contact. You remembered what he had told you, ‘If you ever need help processing the job, or anything else, you can call.’

People said things all the time that they didn’t mean, but you were desperate, so you pressed the call button. On the first ring, you panicked and hung up. What were you thinking? It was three in the morning; you’d wake him up.

Dropping your phone in your lap, you set your face in your hands. You felt like you were finally losing it.

And then your phone started buzzing. Furrowing your brows, you looked at the screen to see that Reid was calling you back. Now it would be rude for you to not answer, so you swiped your thumb across the screen and brought your phone to your ear. “Hi,” you said meekly.

“Hey,” he responded, “What’s wrong?”

Your shoulders drooped, “There’s nothing wrong, I’m fine.”

He cleared his throat on the other end of the line, “You’re calling me at three fifteen in the morning. There’s something wrong, Y/N.”

Scowling, you pulled your feet up so that they were tucked underneath yourself. “I’m really sorry for waking you, Reid.”

“I wasn’t asleep. I was reading, had no idea what time it was,” he said to you. You weren’t sure if he was telling you the truth, or if he was just trying to make you feel better. “Are you alright?”

You closed your eyes tightly, “Yes,” you choked out the lie. “I’m fine.”

The other end of the call was quiet for so long that you checked to see if the call had dropped. “Hang on, I’m coming over,” he said.

“Uh, no, please don’t do that,” You spoke urgently.

There was a jingling that came through the phone, probably car keys, “Something is blatantly wrong, and you aren’t telling me what it is. If I’m there in person, you might be more willing to talk to me.”

Or maybe you’d feel forced to talk to him. You bit your tongue, “Okay, Spencer.”

Fifteen minutes later, there was a gentle knock on your door. You coaxed yourself off of the couch and to the door, opening it and crossing your arms in front of your chest self-consciously.

Wordlessly, you opened the door wider, effectively inviting Spencer in. He was dressed similarly to you, in a plain t-shirt and pajama pants. His glasses were donned upon his nose, you had forgotten he even wore glasses. Once he was inside, you shut the door behind him, and he set his things on the entryway table.

Matching your closed-off stance, he looked at you suspiciously, “What is going on with you?” He asked.

You had wholly expected his tone to be accusatory, but instead, it dripped with concern. Concern for you. Your face fell, “I don’t know,” you whispered. “I don’t know,” you said a little louder that time.

“When did it start?” He asked, gently ushering you over to your couch, he had you sit down before sitting in the armchair across from you.

Shrugging, you absentmindedly picked at the skin surrounding your nails. “Josh Quinn,” you muttered.

Slowly, realization dawned on Spencer’s features. “That wasn’t your fault,” he told you sincerely. “Are you listening to me?”

You nodded softly, “I couldn’t save him,” you rasped, your face crumpling as you did. The last thing you wanted to do was cry in front of Reid, and yet, there you were. “I tried; I thought that if I could just make him see what I saw that… He was only seventeen.” He had killed three of his classmates, but he didn’t need prison or to die. He was a kid, he needed someone to hug him and tell him it would be okay.

“Do you trust me?” Spencer asked.

The question threw you for a moment. “Of course,” you trusted Spencer. You trusted the entire team with your life. You couldn’t be a team without that kind of trust.

His mouth tightened for a moment, “Then trust me when I tell you that no one could have talked him out of killing himself.” You weren’t sure you had ever seen Spencer so serious.

You leaned back, letting your body meld into your couch cushions, “You could have.”

Spencer shook his head, “No, Y/N. I heard everything you told him. You did everything right; I would’ve said the exact same things.” His eyes studied your body language for a moment, “Once a person makes that decision, there is a point of no return. Quinn made that decision, and there was nothing you could’ve done or said to change his mind.”

Trying to understand what he was telling you, you nodded softly. “I killed him,” you murmured.

“No, you didn’t,” Spencer corrected you immediately, leaning forward, he rested his elbows on his knees.

Your brows narrowed, “I might as well have. He might still be alive if I had done something different.” Pulling your knees to your chest, you took a shaky breath.

Following him with your eyes as he moved, Spencer sat next to you on the couch. “Did you pull the trigger?”

“No, but-“ you started.

“Then there’s nothing else to it. You didn’t kill him. His blood is not on your hands, do you understand me?” He said sternly.

Begrudgingly, you nodded in response. “I don’t know what to do,” you whispered helplessly. “I see him when I sleep, his brain all over the walls. It’s…” you faltered, “it’s haunting me.”

Spencer gave you a moment before responding, “Your ability to feel so much sympathy toward people like Quinn is what makes you such a great agent – a great profiler” He told you earnestly.

You shrugged, “The firearm’s instructor at the academy told me that my sympathy would get me killed in the field.”

“Well, if the firearm’s instructor at the academy hasn’t changed in the last fourteen years, then he’s an ass,” he told you.

A small laugh escaped your lips, surprising you as much as it did Spencer. “I’m glad that’s a universal experience,” you responded as the silence between you shifted from awkward to comfortable. “Thanks for coming,” you whispered.

Spencer smiled at you, “You’re welcome, but why did you take so long to call?” He inquired.

“What do you mean?” You asked, leaning forward, and resting your chin on your knees.

He sighed, “That case was almost two weeks ago, Y/N. If you haven’t been sleeping for two weeks, that’s a problem. Why didn’t you call?” He repeated quizzically.

Shrinking back into yourself, you frowned, “I was embarrassed and tired. I wanted to try to figure it out on my own before I went to someone else.”

“You’re not alone, you know?” Spencer said, his voice was gentle like you were a wild animal that he was trying not to spook. “Wait, you do know we’re friends, right?” He asked, “We aren’t just coworkers, we’re friends. Everyone in the BAU is your friend, whether you like it or not.”

Turning to face him, “I know we’re friends, Spencer. Coworkers don’t just show up at each other’s apartments because one of them is having a hard time.” Maybe you didn’t realize how good of friends, but it certainly brought you some semblance of comfort to know that you had people in your corner.

You watched as Spencer pulled out his phone, his fingers nimbly typing on the keypad of his artifact of a phone.

“What are you doing?” You asked, being nosy and trying to read what he was typing out.

He kept typing, tilting the screen away from your view, “I’m telling Emily that you’re sick and taking the day off.”

Your lips parted in surprise, “Spencer!” You reached out for his phone, but he lifted it over his head, having already sent the text. “Do you have younger siblings?” You asked.

Spencer shook his head, “No, only child. Why?”

“Because you act a lot like an older brother,” you grumbled.

previously

please remember to like, comment, and/or reblog if you enjoyed!

[doumadono]

Hii!! I wanna send an emergency request and I'm sorry if it's too much or anything but a week ago it was my birthday and the exact same day my grandma passed away. My grandma is one of the people dearest and close to me so losing her,especially on my birthday, It hurts alot. My birthday wasn't happy that day, usually my grandma would bake me a cake and my favorite foods that would always bring me joy and now it's gone, she's gone and I can't do anything about it but accept. I was wondering if you could do Katsuki comforting gn!reader? I really appreciate if you do. 💕

"Lean on me" - Bakugo x gn!Reader

A/N: I’m so so sorry for your loss. Your grandma sounds like an incredible person who brought so much joy to your life. It’s okay to grieve and miss her deeply. Hold on to those cherished memories and allow yourself to feel all the emotions

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST - PART 2

The sun had long since dipped below the horizon, casting the dorm room in a gentle twilight. The only sound was the soft rustling of pages turning as you sat curled up on the sofa, trying to distract yourself with a book. Yet, the words blurred together, your mind too occupied with the heavy weight of grief to focus.

Your birthday had always been a day of joy, a day filled with laughter, homemade cakes, and your grandma's warm embrace. But this year, the day had taken a cruel turn. The news of her passing still echoed in your mind, a constant reminder of the irreplaceable loss you had suffered.

A gentle knock on your door pulled you from your thoughts. Before you could respond, the door creaked open, and Katsuki Bakugo, your classmate, walked in. "Hey, nerd," he said, his voice gruff yet unusually gentle. "Mind if I join you?"

You nodded, managing a small, grateful smile as he settled beside you.

For a moment, the two of you sat in silence, the unspoken words hanging heavy in the air.

"I know today was supposed to be different," Katsuki began, his voice low and steady. "And I know it hurts like hell. Losing someone you love, especially like this... It's not something you just get over, goddammit."

You glanced up at him, surprised by the depth of understanding in his words.

Katsuki had always been tough, sometimes even abrasive, but in this moment, he was showing a side of himself you rarely saw.

"I don't have any magic words to make it better," he continued, his eyes meeting yours. "But I can tell you this - it's okay to feel like crap. It's okay to miss her, to cry, to be angry. You're allowed to feel everything you're feeling."

A tear rolled down your cheek, and Katsuki reached out, brushing it away with surprising gentleness. "She loved you. And she wouldn't want you to be alone right now."

You nodded, unable to speak past the lump in your throat, and more tears streamed down your flushed cheeks.

"Remember the good times," your friend said softly. "The way she smiled, the way she made you laugh. Keep those memories close. They don't replace her, but they can help you carry on."

His words were like a balm to your aching heart. You leaned into him, finding solace in his warmth and strength while you choked yourself on your own tears. "It's not fair!"

Katsuki wrapped an arm around you, holding you close as you let the tears flow freely. "I know, Y/N. But I'm here for you," he murmured. "Not just today, but every goddamn day. Whatever you need, whenever you need it. Just tell me, yeah?"

For a while, you simply sat there, finding comfort in Katsuki's steady presence. The pain of your loss was still there, a deep, aching void, but his support made it a little more bearable.

Eventually, the tears subsided, leaving you feeling exhausted but a little lighter. You looked up at Katsuki, offering him a small, grateful smile. "Thanks," you whispered. "I just hope I'll be able to... You know... To go through this."

"You're strong, and you'll get through this, no doubt here. And I'll be right here with you, little nerd. And you can always lean on me."

[stevie-petey]

Hi m! I had a short blurb idea for you. Could we see Jonathan's pov after his fight with Nancy, and what drove him to go to bugs house? Also his POV throughout their car ride together? Thank you! ❤️

finally had time to get to this one and YES i can <333

enjoy !

"well then i guess we just dont understand each other anymore."

the pain in nancys voice hasnt left jonathans mind since he dropped her off at home hours ago.

he lays in his bed, sheets cold as the night creeps upon him. do they really not understand each other anymore? jonathan knows he understands nancys frustration, how painful it is to be overlooked, but how can he explain to her that hes unable to understand the feeling of security?

hes never had that before in his life. ever since he was a boy, his life has been defined by instability and insecurity.

it was meeting you that brought some sense of security into jonathans life. youre the only thing jonathan considers a constant in his life; he trusts that youll always be a part of him.

he isnt like nancy. he doesnt have a mom who attends to his needs. a house in a cul de sac with freshly painted shutters. jonathan doesnt have the privilege of being a kid, not when hes been helping to pay for his familys rent ever since he was fourteen and legally able to work. he isnt able to lose a job that can pay for his college like nancy can.

security is a foreign concept to jonathan that he cant understand, yet he understands that the burn within him is his love for nancy. and he understands that he cant lose her.

sighing, jonathan gets out of bed and towards the phone in the kitchen. he has to hear your voice, soothe his nerves, maybe even cry. right now, jonathan needs his best friend.

youll know what to do. you always do.

when he calls you and you sound just as exhausted as he feels, he knows that tonight will be one of your driving nights. a few years ago, when your only worries were exams and parental issues, you and jonathan would drive around hawkins late at night and pretend you were the only two people to exist.

as you got older, the need to drive became few and far between, but tonight jonathans chest is heavy and your voice sounds frail.

hes at your house in ten minutes, and within fifteen he has you in his passenger seat with an old mix tape playing as julys cool night seeps through the car. and, within thrity minutes, youve unwoven all of the intricate strings of fear and uncertainty within jonathan.

he loves you for how easily you put him at ease.

you simultaneously support jonathans side while also vehemently defend nancys. you console him, yet you also gently pry his head out of his ass.

"it frustrates me how you always manage to say the right thing." i love how you love me.

"youve known me for years now, its your fault for not getting used to it." ive grown up learning how to love you.

its easy. its as easy as breathing when it comes to you, and jonathan inhales as much of you as he can. for as long as he can, for as much as hes able to.

and then you break jonathans heart with six words.

"im terrified he'll be another 'almost'."

its as easy as breathing, and jonathan wishes that he could exhale for you. he hasnt forgotten the lines that were once almost his to cross. how he had you, all of you, and now youre steves and hes nancys.

in the end it was all for the best, but jonathan hates the scars he left behind. he hadnt meant to, they will always mar your body, and he will never forgive himself for it.

"im sorry, bug." he shouldve apologized earlier. he knows this.

he wishes that there was more he could do, more he could say. but hes never been good with words and hes scared he'll overstep somehow. say the wrong thing, hurt you even more. so instead jonathan holds your hands, kisses away your tears, and silently prays that steve doesnt make the same mistake that he did.

youre steves now, anyone can see that. you love him so deeply and freely that jonathan cant help but admire how beautiful it is. he can see it in steve, too. how much he loves you.

that boy adores you.

jonathan understands the feeling. he always will.

[vicsbasement]

Watching Charles closely I came to believe that he might have abandonment issues (for obvious reasons), so yeah, I guess he hasn’t been taking Carlos’ departure from the team very well… Of course Carlos isn’t actively abandoning him, but anyways

Ohmygod, anon. You're absolutely right. I mean, it's a logical response to his past trauma, too. I'm not presuming to know the guy, but from what I can see, I just feel like he's really going through the trenches right now. I'm not going to say that they're extremely close, but, just from what we've been able to see about their relationship and the way they talk about each other, I'm ready to assume that they really seem to be close, especially now that we can see Charles visibly reacting to Carlos' departure from the team. I'm pretty sure there's not an ounce of bad blood between them, especially since they've been seeming so much closer ever since before Vegas. I feel like their friendship had time to develop towards the end of their third year together (trauma bonding and all things provided by a very rocky Ferrari car that put them both in uncomfortable situations that only both of them could understand) and so, now that that was blooming, to have it taken from them must be tough. Carlos has been brought up to be much less emotional about his relationships in the paddock, based on interviews alone, yet I think he's been saving up some emotion for their alone time. Charles, though... he seems to be that guy who wears his heart on his sleeve sometimes, and when it comes to this, he doesn't seem too shy to let people know that he really does like Carlos as a teammate and as a person. I mean, they have so much in common, everyone's said it, Mattia, Fred, constantly talking about their competitiveness and how close they'd become when they started to make everything a race... and they probably know each other well. They've shared small spaces, probably had important conversations with one another, they're both in a position where nobody else would get it, except for the other. And they've never, EVER shown disrespect towards each other. So, yeah. Carlos might not be abandoning Charles, but they're both in rather similar situations, and to bring Lewis into the mix, Lewis, with the bigger salary, with the seven titles, with the past experience... it should be something that makes Charles take pause and probably appreciate what he has right now with a guy who's basically in the same level as himself in terms of... I don't know, I guess gravitas. Lewis has so much, and Charles has the whole team behind him, and yet he turns to Carlos as a friend? Maybe we're not seeing how much of an equal footing they have between each other. They've probably discussed even this between them and Charles must be feeling so comfortable with Carlos by his side... This whole thing rocks his whole world, and I would love Carlos' security just as much as Charles is probably appreciating it right now. Sorry, I got totally off the rails with this, but the point is: what this shows me is that Charles really does care, deeply, about Carlos. And it's a wonder to see, honestly. If I were to be completely honest, I saw their relationship much more unilaterally. I felt like Carlos liked Charles more than he liked Carlos. But right now? Wow. I really do see how much Charles seems to appreciate Carlos' company and friendship as a teammate. And it's an absolute relief to me. The fact that he started the year defending Carlos from the italian press and insisting, on record, that they should focus on the fact that they have a whole year together out of "RESPECT FOR CARLOS"? Wow, Charles. You had my eye, before, but right now, you finally caught my attention. Thank you for sending me this ask, anon! I love analyzing stuff and the content has been pouring lately, so I love just to be able to talk about these two guys without restraints 😅

[bird-inacage]

Only Friends: Sand & Ray's Fears of 'Being a Burden'

This is a follow-up to the initial observations I made on both the characterisation of Sand and Ray. Two qualities that really stood out to me in episode 1 which made for a surprising point of commonality.

Sand's Righteousness

So many times this episode Sand comments on how Ray is being socially irresponsible. There's definitely the expectation that those who are wealthier live more frivolously and selfishly. They don't stop to think too much about how their actions have consequences and will impact those around them.

Whereas what was overwhelmingly clear in this episode is that Sand's strong sense of righteousness means he's driven to always 'do the right thing'. This means he's going to be in immediate conflict with those who do not do so, or don't care. The questionable behaviour of others may aggravate him, but when it truly matters, Sand jumps straight into action. He won't disregard someone in need.

This makes me wonder if he's predisposed to act because he feels it's objectively right to do so, regardless of someone's wishes. Funnily enough, we've probably all had instances where we chose to do something we knew was not 'right', for the sake of protecting someone's feelings. I anticipate there will be plenty of situations where his righteousness (which comes from a place of rationale) will come into conflict with his own personal feelings (which are often irrational).

This is where Ray will make a huge impact on his perspective. Because all people have their own battles and struggles, no matter what background they come from. It's not so black and white. Right and wrong. Just and unjust.

Sand also uses the term 'burden' a lot. This actually says a tonne about him. Often we can be critical of qualities in others we possess ourselves. It's because we have them, that we are hyper-sensitive to their presence in those around us. The way he chides Ray is because he himself doesn't want to feel burdensome on others. This would explain why he tries to be as self-sufficient as possible, working several jobs to make ends meet. He holds himself to the standard he expects of others. He wants to be financially independent. He wants to be able to take care of himself and not cause trouble.

If he's upholding a a high example of what it is to be a morally and socially conscious individual, he has value. His value goes beyond his financial hindrances. He can still contribute, he can still be useful.

Ray's Fear of Inadequacy

This line spoke volumes. It shows that Ray has deeply buried fears about being left behind or being surpassed. All his friends have something going for them. Mew is the clever, assertive one. Boston is the popular, astute one. Namcheum is the outgoing, social one. And he's the boisterous drunk. This is the role he often plays in the group, which no doubt really weighs on his own understanding of who he is.

It could explain why he has a crush on Mew, because Mew possesses a lot of qualities he wishes he had. Due to his bad temper and his shortcomings, he can easily come across as unapproachable and be misunderstood. He probably feels very lonely or often like the odd one out. Boston is always slinking off to hook up with a stranger. Namcheum is busy reading the room and including everyone. Mew used to be the one who was happy in the company of his own intellectual interests, but is now focused on Top. This leaves Ray as seemingly superfluous.

His friends often joke about exactly this but Ray probably internalises these comments more than they realise. On the two occasions he leaves the table, note how none of his friends follow him. No one tries to comfort him, because they've seen it all before. 'This is what Ray does.' 'Ray likes to throw a tantrum'. 'This is the alcohol speaking.'

When Ray is genuinely upset, his friends can't always tell the difference. His attitude is what isolates him, but he can't help reacting in the way he does, which isolates him further. It's no wonder Ray is so easily frustrated, because he doesn't know how else to express himself other than to get angry.

He may genuinely believe what everyone says about him. That he doesn't bring any value to the table. That he is (as Sand puts it) "a burden to society". He doesn't know what his place is.

Just like Mew's unconscious rejection of him, he may fear that one day his friends will move on without him. Like a small animal that's imprinted on others out of survival, he can't be left alone to fend for himself because he needs people to feel worth. To prove that he's not useless. To prove he's not expendable.

This has become a self-actualising prophecy he's begrudgingly accepted, mostly out of fear of losing his friends. He plays into the misnomer that's been assigned to him. "You know I'm only good at spending money", because he doesn't know what else he can offer. His friends tease him over the fact he often gushes about how much he loves them when drunk. But this is actually in a bid to keep people close. If you shower them with love, maybe they won't ever leave you.

And the sad part of this is that no one realises Ray feels this way because it's masked by his bad temper and tendency to drink.

Sand doesn't want to be a burden in a socially responsible sense. Ray doesn't want to be a burden on his friends, who may be the only people he has. We just need these two to realise they have a very similar complex here, hidden beneath their apparent differences.

[bloodcossmos]

felt the need to compile some of my opinions and analyses on arcane s2 regarding caitvi and their development so far. I've either seen diehard vi fans calling cait a bitch or diehard caitlyn fans calling vi useless and that's just not it.

spoilers for season 2 under the cut ‼️

okay so first of all. we cannot keep ignoring the fact that cassandra's death was a determining factor for caitlyn's change of temper. she is RAGING. UNSURE. INCONSOLABLE. as any normal person would, caitlyn is deeply affected by this. it is simple, textbook grief. anyone can feel it in their lifetime, everyone is allowed to mourn. BUT‼️understanding grief does NOT mean you have to justify the coping mechanisms used to deal with it. the fact that caitlyn's first instinct after the memorial attack was to put every zaunite in a same basket and call them animals and COMPLETELY throw away all compassion and understanding she had for them in season one (even up to the first minutes of the first episode) is NOT justifiable under any means. it's the same thing in reverse; not justifying coping mechanisms used to deal with grief DOES NOT MEAN you're invalidating the grief itself.

with that out of the way, we can understand that caitlyn, one way or another, went through a MASSIVE change of character this season. we saw it all in act 1. she was no longer the "good cop trying to fight the system from the inside and show the privileged how truly privileged they are by standing for the lowest ones' rights." the only thing in her mind was REVENGE. GETTING JINX TO PAY FOR HER ACTIONS AT WHATEVER COST. releasing toxic gasses into zaun and risking hundreds of innocents at a time to possible death by exposure? we all know, by common sense, IT'S NOT A GOOD THING TO DO. OBVIOUSLY. but she cannot; she's blinded by grief, blinded by rage. and it's gonna be even more evident in episode 3, when her and vi's kiss and, shortly after, breakup, happen.

this blindness towards others' feelings and opinions and only caring about the end goal— killing jinx— is what causes their falling out. vi, despite being COMPLETELY alienated from her principles and her people for the sole purpose of helping out her girl (impulsed by jinx's violence towards the council, which was the final nail in powder's coffin), understands that there can be a risk of killing an innocent: isha. she stops her. she's not happy about that. bombs go off prematurely. they're stuck between rubble and the frustration bubbled up caitlyn's throat and it comes out TERRIBLY. not just verbally, by saying her blood is in your veins— as if IMMEDIATELY condemning her— but also physically in the worst way possible. a full circle moment, if you ask me; hit in the same place she was stabbed, by the same person that helped heal her. full blown drama. lesbians are really something.

by the start of act 2, caitlyn is not just a hurting and grieving woman in a position of power, where all the weight of house kiramman falls on her shoulders; she's also a commander. which is... twice as much power in her hands. but the difference is that she's not acting on her own now, to satiate her own bloodlust and revenge. she's now hanging by threads, like a puppet controlled by none other than ambessa medarda. a ruthless warmonger who wants nothing but full influence over a broken woman to achieve her own goals in piltover. we saw it at the end of act 1; she was the one who instigated the attack on the memorial, which could be considered as the last straw for caitlyn's sanity. she took advantage of that weakness to further consolidate her hatred and biases against the undercity and, in consequence, be able to provide some sort of solace for her aching heart. and what better than to have such an influential woman like caitlyn as her protege; her pupil, if you will.

but of course, the point of writing such nuanced characters like the ones in arcane is that... they're not just one-dimensional. or even two-dimensional; like a stationary cardboard figure that is either-or. no in between. no chance of reflection or redemption or regret.

caitlyn, in the time skip between end of act 1 and beginning of act 2, starts to worry about the excessive occupation of noxian forces in piltover and zaun and how they're handling things. she goes as far as to question ambessa as to "why is peace always the justification for violence?". this inherently shows FEELINGS. she's EXPRESSING DOUBT. like any other human being, caitlyn goes through it; questioning the excessive use of force in zaunite checkpoints and how the noxian warlord justifies it all because they've lost so many. as if zaun hasn't lost innocents and guilty alike. this, obviously, leads caitlyn to a middle path, which is the one we see her in until episode 3, where her allegiance changes completely in the span of... a couple hours?

why is that though? first, we gotta talk about vi.

inevitably.

she's been the most hurt character in this show, for sure. thrown around like a punching bag for everyone to use, she's been broken since day one. lost her parents at an early age, had to take care of her little sister even though she was taken in by vander and raised with two other boys; then proceeds to lose her found family, hits powder out of impulse (because HOW ELSE would you want a 15 year-old to react to something like that while the wound is still raw? "don't worry powder, you disobeyed me and caused an explosion that killed our family but it's okay, let's go home and eat something I'm starving" WHAT????) that ends up marking her for the rest of her life right before getting thrown into prison by a crooked cop and spending the next seven years in a cell; cold, bloody, hungry, counting the hours until she could get back to her sister.

yet after she gets released, she finds warmth for the first time in a long time: and it's in caitlyn. in a way, you can't blame her for building such an important bond with her. she was the first one to show her kindness and genuine care in a very long time and, naturally and humanly, that's gonna leave a mark on her. yet she is strong, determined, dead set on finding her sister and bringing her back; she doesn't fall easily into the comfort of love, because her heart is bleeding for the small child she slapped seven years ago and that she couldn't console or apologize to. YET, HUMANLY, she ends up lowering her defenses around her. finally, she finds someplace she feels safe with, someplace that makes her feel like anything is possible. but that place ends up being a person, and people change. inevitably.

after the attack on the council, vi tries her best to be of as much support to caitlyn as possible. she knows she's not generally welcome in topside, but nonetheless she's pushed by love to provide any comfort she can. what she wasn't expecting was to provide that comfort by turning into one of the things she despised the most: an enforcer (for those saying that it doesn't make sense for her character, you're wrong! she's put in a position where she's serving as support to caitlyn, and as support she must mold into what she needs her to be. even if it's not what aligns with her morals. yes, it wouldn't make sense if it would've been a personal decision, but in this context? absolutely). she slumps into mental darkness for a moment, wondering how inconsiderate she can be to ask her to be something so opposite to her nature when maddie comes to her and outright guilt-trips her into accepting caitlyn's proposal. personally, I have no idea if she was sent by cait beforehand to manipulate her into doing it, but seeing as we haven't been given an explanation for that I'll assume it was fully maddie's doing. and like that, vi accepts to the total alienation from her morals that entails becoming a cop for the sake of her lover.

things go awry. we all know how. vi feels beyond betrayed, beyond hurt, beyond alone. not just because caitlyn changed when she asked her not to (it was inevitable) but also because that safe space that she stood for is no longer there. that single hit of blunt force into her abdomen means so much more to her than just the stinging pain of the wound sevika left— the one caitlyn had healed. the moment she began to feel like she could trust her—, but more deep-rooted trauma from her years in prison. seven years getting beaten to a bloody pulp, no signs of warning, when she was at her lowest and her loneliest. do you think that, when she looked up at caitlyn, she saw her, or the faces of the enforcers that abused her?

it's a deep cut, for sure.

after that, she hits rock bottom. her self-preservation skills are null. or maybe they aren't, but she chooses not to use them. her entire life, she's been squished into the mold of the responsible one; the rock, the support, the leader, the protector. but without anyone to protect, or lead, or take care of... what's left of her? nothing but a husk of self-hatred and disappointment that she decides to fill in the most self-destructive ways. because why bother? she can't do anything right; not save her sister, nor protect her, nor hold on to anything good because everyone changed. everyone except her. maybe her heart of gold is more of a curse than a blessing.

she spirals into alcoholism, filling the void of loneliness by going to rowdy bars and getting shitfaced to distract herself from the perpetual state of pain she's in. yet caitlyn lingers in her mind. haunting her every minute of the day, making her feel miserable; yearning for that woman that was once so soft and bright. but it's not her anymore. she's dead, just like powder.

now, a lot of things happen between that moment and when she meets caitlyn again. but let's focus on their point of reunion, which a lot of people were deeming "weird" and "disrespectful" on caitlyn's end because she wasn't IMMEDIATELY tear stricken and pleading for forgiveness before giving us an hour-long makeout scene. be fucking for real.

up to that point, vi's had plenty of other things on her mind than just her ex. and believe it or not, the frustration shown during her pit fighter montage is also rage; at least, how I read it. yes, she's hallucinating images of caitlyn in her old enforcer uniform and yearning for her, but the current caitlyn? that's not her. seeing her again was not gonna cause immediate tears to well up in her eyes and consider, FOR A MOMENT, that vi's inner turmoil also contains resentment towards her. even if she did yearn for her past self. (it's funny to me how the same people that complain about vi not having any sense of autonomy because she's in love with caitlyn are often the same ones that talk about how they wanted a more emotional reunion, when the context did not call for it...)

on caitlyn's end, she doesn't break down YET... there's something in her eyes. more evident on her than on vi, I dare say. her eyes widen and soften in a way I haven't seen them in a while. that means something. and despite the apathetic remark about her hair you can tell there's hesitation. could this mean, possibly, that during all those months spent apart she's had time to reflect? regret her actions? seems to me like it does. because after all, when cupcake escapes from her lips she doesn't recoil, she doesn't frown or scoff. we see the old caitlyn again, even if just for a moment. she probably didn't know she needed to hear that from her again, but now that she did... she realizes she still cares for her.

even if this is just a personal reading of the situation, I think it's the most fitting if we're talking about normal, human interactions. the people acting like caitlyn is an unforgivable monster that has no feelings or is not capable of any self-reflection strips her entirely of her nuance. you want highly complex female characters yet you can't handle her.

another detail to add to the pile of reasons why I think caitvi is still viable is because, even though maddie had been trying to convince caitlyn time and time again to speak to ambessa to withdraw her forces, to finally take a stand... vi convinced her with just one look. in truth, she's her soft spot; she always has been. the fact that flared up emotions got a hold of her beyond rationality does not mean she can't feel regret for her actions later. it doesn't mean she's an irredeemable monster. hm, that sounds familiar. maybe... what happened after the factory explosion, seven years back?

that was just a thorough overview of what I consider is an objective opinion about both sides. caitlyn had evidently changed for the worse, and vi couldn't let go of her past self; the kinder cait, the sincere cait, the cait she fell in love with. vi has been, yet again, thrown into the chaotic claws of fate and has come out hurt once again. but does that mean the relationship is beyond salvageable? that's what act 3 is for.

do I believe that their relationship will be perfectly back to normal in just three episodes? not really. there's no time to fully heal the scars that were left to harden during act 2, but it doesn't mean there can't be redemption. do I believe a sex scene will compensate for all of that? ABSOLUTELY NOT. despite my very biased opinions on the ship and how I desperately want them to be together because my little lesbian heat can't handle otherwise, I understand from an objective perspective that things aren't easily solved through sex. I will not be considering any sexual or romantic advances valid or necessary if there isn't a long, thorough scene where they rough out their differences; hell, even express their more hidden emotions to each other. maybe shedding a tear or two.

it's the most rational and balanced way to approach their situation. I utterly despise people that cannot see both sides of an argument and that blatantly disregard any attempt of changing the script toward redemption or healing. it happened during season one with jinx, it's happening now with caitlyn. she's done objectively bad things, yet there is no need to classify her as the set villain for this season; especially if you don't understand the influence ambessa had over her. as well as there's no need to classify vi as a dog on a leash just because she exposes vulnerability towards the person she loves. it's a human emotion, a human experience. isn't that what we're looking for in media? to find true representations of reality and the complexities of human psychology to feel some sort of catharsis? to feel like we're not alone?

in any way it ends, I just hope for satisfaction.

[yatagarasuhonyaku]

Yukiya's Memory (Novel Translation)

Blog version

Context: Two scenes, just before and after the Ravine, as Wakamiya asks Yukiya for details on what he saw to identify the assassins.

Yukiya looked up to Wakamiya, asking for his opinion. In turn, he rested his chin on his hand, deep in thought.

“…….. What if he didn’t choose to use it as payment, but instead was left with no choice but to use it that way?” A reason to pick a prestigious item received from the Lord of the North himself, of all things.

“What are you trying to say?”

“Nevermind, it’s truly just guesswork. We can’t say anything for certain at the moment,” Wakamiya murmured. He didn’t make any other attempt to bring the topic back up, and it looked like he had just reconsidered something. His attitude was oddly evasive.

Then, as if he had just come back to himself, he clapped.

“Leaving that aside, there is no doubt of the fact that today’s assailant is somehow related to the Northern House. Sumio, make sure to look into those related to the Lord of the North before investigating the thugs.”

“Understood.”

“And Yukiya, did you see the face of the person who shot that arrow?”

“Well, yes, kind of. But it was only for a moment and from far away. I can’t say I saw it clearly…” Yukiya began, before suddenly coming to a halt. “But wait, now that you mention it, it felt like this assailant and the person watching us over at the Gazing Moon Hall(1) were similar.”

“Interesting.”

“But you didn’t really get to see his face well, right?” Sumio asked back, unsure.

Yukiya himself tilted his head in confusion too. “Well, I certainly didn’t see his face per se, but, how to say it, there was something off about him.”

He couldn’t really tell what it was exactly, but something told him the assailant who shot the arrow and the person from yesterday were one and the same.

“Then, what if you saw this person again? Would you know if it was him?” Wakamiya asked.

After deeply thinking about it for a while, Yukiya nodded.

“I think so, yes. But, well, at the very least, I can say that this assailant wasn’t among those who have gone to the Northern House Main Residence for New Year’s in the last seven or eight years.”

“Huh?”

“What?” Sumio asked, full of doubt, “are you truly sure of that?”

“I mean, quite a lot of people go there for New Year’s?”

Including the servants, the event amassed quite the number of people. If they had gone through the trouble of hiring thugs, it was highly likely that the assailant too was someone who couldn’t afford to be seen in such a position. And so, the main suspects were either the servants to one of the Northern Clans, or people closely related to them.

As far as he could tell, Sumio and Wakamiya had fully intended to focus their investigation on them. Understandably, however, they didn’t want to risk losing an essential clue because of Yukiya's fuzzy memories.

“But it’s not like you can say that much without a doubt,” Sumio said.

Yukiya, however, flat out denied the notion. “Don’t treat me as some fool. No matter how you put it, there is no way I could forget the face of a Yatagarasu I’ve seen before. I’m not really that much of an idiot.”

Yukiya was quite serious about it, but neither man was able to answer. Sumio, in particular, seemed to be too dumbfounded to even open his mouth.

“Ehm… Did I… say something weird?” Faced with sudden silence, Yukiya glanced at Wakamiya to gauge his reaction. His self-confidence had vanished into thin air.

“No, don’t worry,” Wakamiya replied firmly, “I get what you’re trying to say. We’ll investigate with that in mind.”

“——Understood.”

Wakamiya looked to Sumio, who immediately nodded and stood up. He planned to depart immediately, from the looks of it.

“Oh, and Yukiya. You’ll be coming with me now.”

⊛　　　　　⊛　　　　　 ⊛

“Yukiya, there is one thing I want to confirm with you.” Yukiya turned a questioning gaze to Wakamiya, who was still frowning. “Did you find the assailant who shot that man in the head during your time in the Ravine?”

“I didn’t, no.”

“Not even among Kazumichi’s men?”

“I made sure to check his bodyguards too, but the assailant wasn’t one of them.”

“That’s weird,” Sumio’s expression turned grim as well, “I looked into it through other avenues too. All retainers capable of organizing such an attack should have been there yesterday, with Kazumichi.”

And, if the assailant wasn’t connected to the Northern House, the next option to consider would be someone specialized in this kind of dirty job, someone likely to frequent the Ravine. After spending more than a month and a half in there, Yukiya had been certain that he would find their target’s face somewhere, and yet—

“The people there worked me relentlessly, and I often ended up running all over the place. This is just my guess, Your Highness, but that was at your request, wasn’t it?”

“Indeed. They’ll do anything as long as you pay for it.”

Yukiya didn’t simply work during his time there, either. He had somewhat guessed that this was precisely the main reason why Wakamiya had left him at the Ravine, so he had made an active effort to check the people around him for the assailant.

“Still, if that’s the case, Your Highness, please tell me about it in the first place!”

For a moment there, he had truly believed that Wakamiya had sold him off.

“Oh, yeah, sorry about that.”

------------------------------------------------

1: Gazing Moon Hall refers to the red light district shop Wakamiya frequents and through which he accesses the Ravine to ensure nobody follows him there. It’s also the place he buys for the night when the assassination attempt happens.

[theblackcatspeaks]

A Youji Sakiyama analysis

A living hell in your own body.

CW: Pregnacy, rape, male pregnancy, abuse, violence, etc. Basically, a whole NitroChiral+ game.

Please be aware that this analysis will contain spoilers from the route of Makoto and the game itself.

So, here it is.

Basically, I've been meaning to write this analysis for a while now. I waited until I finished the route of Makoto, but I'll continue on making these analysis while I do the rest.

I can admit that I wasn't not expecting to connect to Youji that much, but I surprised myself. I connected to him quite A LOT, something that hasn't occurred when referring to masculine leaning characters.

From the beginning we can see that he's the protagonist of the story, suffering from an illness that makes him weak. Having to lose time out of school due of it, Youji doesn't really seem to care about his surroundings. There's an anxiety that keeps him still, between the looks of his classmates and his daily routine.

Of course there's not a direct mention of the figure of Mary, if you're someone who has been in a catholic environment; you can tell that the feminine concept is what makes the game so important. Youji, as we soon discover through the playthrough, he is a Mesu. A parasite lives inside his body and makes him suffer symptoms of pregnancy and PMS.

From the beginning of the game we learn that there's a lot of biblical references, later we find out that the cult that exists in the Sweet Pool universe worships Sodom. For those that are not familiarized with Biblical Mythos, Sodom was the city of sinners and sodomy. God punished the citizens for their sins. The cult worships the city.

Now, going back to the virgin Mary figure. Who's Mary? Mary was the Mother of Jesus and the most important female figure for Catholics, second is Mary Magdalene.

Right in the beginning of the game we can see that in the shoe racks, there's an statue of the Virgin Mary holding a baby, her son, Jesus. Mary was impregnated by the Holy Spirit, without a sin. Her body is pure and an example of what an ideal wife and mother should be, faithful to her faith.

Youji is the opposite.

When Youji gets his first "period", I couldn't help but feel sadness. It reminded me when I first had mine when I turned 11 years old, coming back to school and suddenly feeling hot blood between legs; realizing with horror that I was able to get pregnant. Youji doesn't understand what is happening with his body and t his terrifies him.

In that very moment, Youji turned into an object of desire to others. Makoto, who was his only friend at school started to get attracted to him due the pheromones he is emanating. Zenya too, realizing that he is also one of his kind, since Zenya's family is part of the cult that I mentioned later.

Zenya couldn't become an Osu, a High Class male, with the Sodom parasyte, ending up severely traumatized and wanting to prove himself and his family that he can become one. In his ending, he ends up abusing Youji and violently does do so.

There's no happiness for Youji in his routes, but I'll mainly speak about his ending in Makoto's. Youji ends up cannibalized and raped by his best friend. If you are a someone with fem traits or appearance, you'll get definitely targeted by people who desire to touch you, or in the worst cases, to abuse you.

What I am explaining in this analysis, if you have female traits, you'll become an object of desire. If you bleed, you become something to produce. Youji turns into a whore and a virgin if you know about the Madonna complex.

As someone who deals with PCOS, having periods turned into a nightmare. Back in summer of 2022, I remember bleeding for almost two months, never knowing when it was going to end. I felt like there was a hell inside of me and that's why I connected so deeply to Youji and the parasite inside of him.

I think I'll write more of Youji later, but if there's something I can say about Sweet Pool that makes it different than DMMD, (I love both, truly, I had a very deep obsession with it back in 2014-2015), is that Sweet Pool connects to the female monstrosity.

Bleeding is something feminine and a monstrosity. Hence why is there so many horror movies that depicts motherhood and the female body like an Alien for example. I wouldn't say Youji accepts the parasite, but he ends up talking to them in a way.

Nobody was there for Youji but the statue of Mary in his school, observing how his body turned into the object of adoration and hate. Like hers.

[sneezemonster15]

Why is it offensive to so many SNS fans to even consider that Gaara and Naruto would make a good couple? IF (one BIG if) there was a scenario where Sasuke had died in the end and Naruto hadn't, which would never be at Naruto's hands btw but then so many others wanted Sasuke gone, would you not want to see Naruto have some comfort? Who would have given it to him? Who would be capable of it? Sakura? HINATA??? Kakashi? Sai? All of these are emotionally inept ass people.

Gaara is perhaps only second to Sasuke in Naruto's eyes, in terms of connection and mutual empathy. Gaara is the only other character to get a retrieval arc where Naruto is the pursuer. Gaara is the only other person Naruto goes absolutely feral for, and no, Hinata in Pein arc doesn't count. Totally different contexts. Gaara is the only other person than Sasuke that Naruto shows a deep personal connection with. Gaara after all was also a jinchuuriki, who shared similar and perhaps even worse predicament than Naruto, as Naruto himself acknowledged.

Naruto and Gaara share a mutual understanding. They care for each other deeply. And God forbid, if something had happened to Sasuke, I would certainly want Gaara to be with Naruto and knowing Gaara, he would be there, no matter what. If Naruto were on Mars, Gaara would find a way to be there for him. Gaara loves Naruto, he understands Naruto, and Sasuke as well to quite an extent. Naruto also is aware of Gaara in part two, even though it's Sasuke whom he loves. But there is certainly a mutual fascination and attraction between them, a certain awareness, kindredness. So if Naruto ended up with Gaara after it all, I would not resent that ending. I would be pleased to see that Naruto at least, finally gets some love and affection after starving for it for so long. As in when Sasuke wasn't there. And who better than Gaara to give it? Gaara is the only person who would even stand a chance to be able to comfort Naruto in case of Sasuke's demise. Nothing would make Gaara happier than making Naruto happy. He would make it his life's mission.

Naruto chose Sasuke over everyone, including Gaara, so there's no doubt that Sasuke is Naruto's priority over everyone. But damn, I just want to see my boy happy. Gaara won't make him happy the way Sasuke does. Naruto wouldn't even want to live if Sasuke was gone. But Gaara is quite the lover in his own right. And he loves Naruto, truly. He knows the deprivation of love, just like Sasuke and Naruto, he knows how it feels to be at the receiving end of people's hate and indifference. And he learnt what it meant to be cared for and valued because of Naruto. The same thing Sasuke did for Naruto. He gave up his life for Naruto in waves arc which in turn made Naruto realize how deeply he felt for Sasuke all along and how much it meant to him to be valued in such a way by another person. That this is what it means to be family. Gaara had a change of heart because Naruto showed him that he was valued and understood. That he wasn't alone anymore. Naruto hurt for Gaara too. So much. Naruto is passionate about Gaara. He shed tears for him, he wailed and screamed and raged and turned into a beast for him. Gaara is a very well written character and he has a well developed, actually quite beautiful relationship with Naruto. Their relationship and its development gets a lot of visibility in the manga as well.

I also recognise the fact that if it were actually possible to make Naruto end up with Gaara, Naruto would have definitely ended up with Sasuke. Heh. But that's not the point I am making. I don't actively ship Gaara with Naruto. But seeing them together makes me happy and fact is, them ending with each other would be a thousand times better than what we have now.