#the only thing thats been keeping me going lately is that i can start hrt… soonish? a year from now roughyly?

[our-queer-experience]

ive been trying to stay as positive as i can about the trump administration, but im going to be so honest you guys. im really fucking scared

[lillys-shadow]

Also

Ive been feeling pretty down lately.

I wrote an essay detailing a bunch of problems I've been having and how they've been fucking over my life for like the past three years. And I used DDLC to contextualize some of it, mainly because it was hugely influential in my ability to like think. emotionally. So when I send it to mother and her response is along the lines of "So... a game made you trans. Are you sure this isnt just an ADHD thing?" (which A. I have not been diagnosed for ADHD, she just has a hunch that I have it because my brother and father have it, and i have some of the characteristics commonly associated, and B. what the fuck, I just spilled the shit thats been affecting my mental health the worst and your response is "are you sure you didn't just make it up" what the actual fuck) not to mention I told her that I am trans (properly this time, instead of just going "oh hahah i have gender dysphoria thats why i wrote this entire vent piece E.P about how your attitude towards gender has fucked over my self worth" like that wasnt enough. Theres literally a song called "fault" literally saying its her fault I dont want to talk to her about things. And then "waltz of the night" which says things like "summer, what if you could die. summer, wouldnt be nice" played BACK TO BACK. And the first song being about how "summer" is just a placeholder for *me* but the gender fuckery has taken hold) and I told her I go by Lilly (she/her) I EVEN SAID THAT I WOULDN'T BE MAD IF SHE DIDN'T USE MY PROPER LABELS (mainly to soften the impact but whatever) AND SHE STILL RANTED ABOUT HOW ITS UnFaIr ThAt I bE sOmEoNe ShE dOeSnT kNoW mE aS.

And its just like, what do I even do here. So I tried to clarify the problems and she responds with "you had a bunch of contradictions, btw no amount of money could make you look like a woman" without telling me any of the supposed contradictions IF YOU HAD OF JUST TOLD ME THEM I WOULDVE CLARIFIED WHAT I MEANT OMG and acting as if passing trans women dont exist (I know passing shouldnt be the goal and its completely valid to not pass, I just want to for dysphoria reasons i guess, and I mentioned that we probably dont have the money to start HRT or a psychiatrist or to get any sort of surgery (which the latter I probably couldnt get anyway). And THEN she has the FUCKING AUDACITY to set the email to spam so I cant respond. And says "You will keep believing what you want to believe despite the evidence" (without citing a single FUCKING source of evidence, at least I quoted Judith Butler and Philosophy tube in my ramblings (I wasnt even trying to prove anything either, just that I shouldnt have to fight ma on how other people who are not her should refer to me if they tell me i need her approval)) and its like what do i even do at this point. So I shut up and just try to ignore her presence (which is really bloody hard because she and I were regularly really close). And she still hasnt brought it up, its been a goddamned week and Ive been home alone with her for three days in a row now. not a single word. I cant bring it up cause Im scared shell get mad or Ill say something incorrectly and shell use it as ammo to further fuck over my dysphoria. And Im not sure but Im like 60% sure she said something like "and then i realised, hes probably just faking it" which I shouldnt be mad about because A. im not even sure it was said B. I dont have any context C. it was said over the phone at 2am. But it was the day after I had sent it, I was absolutely fucked mentally. Like I know its not fair for me to be mad at her for, but nonetheless it still fucking hurts.

I mean not too long before (maybe a month or so) I literally thought "what if mum still thinks of me as a boy" and 3 hours later I have the worst cuts I had given myself. And now I know how it is, I know she does, and theres obviously nothing I can do. And certainly nothing I should do. And the only real emotional pillar I have had lately is my gf and I dont wanna vent too hard on her, I obviously want her to be happy (if youre reading this i love you <3), so ive felt kinda trapped idk. I swear to god the moment I turn 17 im buying a van and leaving, idrc about the specifics, just not here. (ill prolly back out of that before I turn 17 but i dont really give a fuck a girl can dream).

I gave her a quote of something she said, that was innocuous but had caused me a great deal of pain (she had told her friend that I wanted to go for "book week" as catnus everdeen because "I like attention" which was false, but also from her perspective she was talking about my goddamned whining persistance. But I took it as a judgement on the crossdressing I was dabbling in at the time (which catnus everdeen really wasnt lol but hey younger me was younger)) and her responce was "You took that out of context and youve written how it effected you in a cruel manor." and its like. THAT. WAS. THE. FUCKING. POINT. I kkknowww it was out of context, but it still fucking hurt, I only talked about it because it legitimately hurt me regardless of the actual context, and so that she doesnt do the same thing this time. AND SHE IMMEDIATELY THROWS AWAY THAT LINE OF THINKING FOR but thats not faiiir its not myy fault you misintirrpret things and its like, no its not but could you still be mindful that your words can AND WILL fuck me over if theyre not handled correctly.

I just- eugh. It would have been fine if she had of just had a conversation yknow. Like if we had've talked it out and got to some sort of conclusion. Instead of you will never think *spam*. Like I get to sit here instead with an unhealthy caffeine problem, horrible gender dysphoria, a cutting problem (both sexual and not so), and the fact that the person I looked up to most doesn't want to talk to me about the thing that has pretty much ruined my life and the steps that need to be taken to rectify those things.

Also the crippling insomnia its 3:20 now for gods sake.

[nyandroidx3]

This is going to probably be a very long post. I will say it will entail stuff you may not want to hear about or just don’t care about. This is mostly because I need to get it out somewhere.

You want to keep reading? Ok. I’m sorry for anything that is said next. It’s pretty late and im writing this on my work computer.

Life feels like a cruel joke. I know, reaaal edgy, but still. It’s how it feels. Starting out in life I already get the absolute joy of having to live in a body that not only I hate, but hates me. Living with gender dysphoria is one thing, well not just one small thing. Its agonizing. Anytime I look at myself in a mirror, any time I hear my own voice, anytime i see or hear anything to do with me, It feels like thousands of knives being thrust into me all at once. But its ok. It’s nice to know my body has a mutual hatred of me. If i do literally anything, ANYTHING that might cause my temperature to rise a little bit, my entire body just starts itching, and it just doesn't go away. It itches so bad I’ve gouged my skin out in multiple locations and have scars that will never heal from it. But thats ok. Because my body hates me. And I hate myself too. 

No one knows. Or they do and don’t care because I don’t make it as big of a deal. I tried cutting myself in high school. Once my parents find out did they care? Not really. All that happened is I was grounded. So I adapted. My body hates me, my skin itches so much. But the pain from the scratching? the gouging of the hives that appear after I scratch myself bare? It feels good. It hurts like absolute hell. But it at least feels like something.

Why do I do this? I’m not sure. I’ve been depressed for so long most of the pain and sadness lost meaning. Maybe that’s why people don’t take me seriously. Maybe that’s why my college roommates made the thought of me committing suicide a passing joke. Maybe that’s why I’m so alone, because I’ve pushed everyone I’ve ever loved away so If i left this world I wouldn’t hurt them but all I’ve been left with is a lonely void which I can’t escape from. Because every time I try to make a new friend, I loose interest, like I’ve lost interest in everything else.

It used to be easy. I would like a show, or a game, or something and find others who liked that same thing. I could talk to them for hours. Now, I’m lucky if I can manage a few messages without either losing interest or feeling like a burden. The few friends I’ve managed to keep are another thing....

My entire life feels like a bad sitcom on tv. I’ve used this explanation to try and rationalize my life for a while. The main reason I say this here is because it’s easier to use TV or Game tropes to explain things for me. I’m sorry for that. On the previous thing, I always feel as if I’m a background character. I’m happy to help my friends, I’m always there if they need a shoulder, but it’s hard to see others doing that for me. I always feel left behind, the second option, last to be picked. I feel as if the people who I call friends and are genuinely happy to see wouldn’t really care if one day I just wasn’t in their lives anymore. It doesn’t help that it seems the only time people want to talk or hang out is if they’ve already exhausted their friend list. But of course I don’t bring this up, I don’t bring up that even though im always willing to help them through a hard time I feel as if i every bring up my true feelings on topics i’ll just be a burden. I’m scared if i do that then they won’t talk to me at all. Half a friend is better than no friends. I’ll just stick to being ol’ reliable, the teddy bear you keep in the closet until you need comfort. Because no one wants to be friends with someone who’s mood shifts on a turn of a goddamn dime. And if i try to tell anyone whats going on then i’ll just lose them too.

But I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. And before I go on no this isn’t a suicide note, or a declaration that I will be doing it. But that doesn’t change the fact that I already have a place and method set in stone. It doesn’t change the fact that suicide and self deprecation thoughts plague my mind with every fucking second I decide to think to my self. I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy with my body. I just want people to share my wins and loses with. Because who the hell am I supposed to do that with. The cat? Charlie is the best cat in the world but hes just a fucking cat. He doesn’t talk back, he doesn’t offer words of encouragement (All though credit due, he tries his absolute best and he’s the only reason I did not commit suicide during my first year at college). I feel like I’m alone in the world. I feel like i’ve forgotten how not to be alone.

Closing thoughts. Because this is about as long as a fucking essay. I’ve lost interest in everything that used to make me happy, I’ve started smoking again, I’ve been thinking of suicide for months now, and I don’t know what to do. I was going to try to save up for therapy and hrt but NOOOO the world had to go to shit the moment I decided to actually try and be happy for the first time in 10 fucking years. I just don’t know what to do. Or what else to write.

I’m sorry if you read all of this. I’m sorry if this is how anyone finds out how sad and how much suffering there really is with me. I’m sorry. I just needed to write somewhere

[remytest-blog]

I'm not blaming my mental illness, it's an explanation and it's not an excuse. I literally cannot control myself in a lot of things and I'm trying to make it better. The amount of mentally deblititating shit I've been through is enough that I'm barely functional. I can't hold jobs, I can't leave my house, and I look for every possible option to harm myself and it's something that I need to fix but I never get that far. I'm being sincere, I really am. I've been upset but it's been more than just you guys. Sixx and I talk, Kiev and I talk, Remy is hard to talk to a lot and you even more so. But I've got a lot of people I've been having issues with, such as 8bit, etc. Friens i've made outside ofyou guys that yesterday it stupidly came to a head.

It's not an excuse. My autism makes it extremely hard for me to understand a lot of things. I never knew that I turned subjects, and there were times where I would want to help but I wouldn't know what to say so I'll keep quiet and watch others speak and if I have something to add on i'll try. I know there are times I'll move on but usually I do it if I assume that whats done is done and it's appropriate. That's my autism, I don't _know_ and if I've been doing this I need to be spoken to. I don't hate you, I'm still at apoint where I'm scared that you hate me, that you don't want to rp with me.

I really do always want to rp with you I just don't know how with some of the muses I've picked.  I feel like I bother you compared to the others bcause you're always gushing about remy and kiev but when i've done stuff I get lackluster words in comparison to how you gush about the others so I get self conscious and my brain assumes well I'm just not good enough so crown's sugar coating it for me. It's stupid and wrong but it's what my brain does.

Myheads a stupid catastrophe and against it's not an excuse. Half of what you said last night was a huge surprise to me even. I was not aware of anyhting I was doing. And I bring up bee/dee because. idk.  I'm tying to gauge your guys response because I'm debating actually seeing about them joining the group.

And Idk. i haven't been spending much time with them till recently, and I get excited and want to share things with everyone. I. A lot of these issues are misunderstandings on my end, but I need tobe directly spoken to about a lot of them because i don't understand. I really dn't 90% of the time.  But like yesterday, Idk. i felt like I was being put out, because it was all of  you guys and no one had said a word to me.

I burst through TG because I wanted to be able to talk to you and Sixx about it, I always wanna rp with you guys and do stuff with you guysbut I'm awkward and Idk how to do anything at this point. And you not feeling -- Idk. I don't know how it came off that way, esp because I've been sitting here in the same position. Like you just aren't interested in RPing with me. I've been anxious ever since that thing with Camie, I felt like yes maybe you liked me but didn't really want to rp so you were putting on a front to make me feel better.

I love rping with you.

Half the time literally all I do is wait for replies from you and sixx and Remy. The reason I've been trying to show that I'm making friends is so that I stop clinging so hard because all I've done is cling to you guys.AlL i've done is sit there and be needy and want all of you guys attention because  I love you guys so much but my head gets fucking foggy and then this shit happens.

I want to get better and I want to fix things. And if you're still questioning my sincerity pelease don't because i don't apologize like this to anyone I don't give a flying fuck about I don't put that kind of energyand attention into people I don't careabout. It'd be one word shit or just a 'sorry about last night'. Not me attempting to make anything of it. I'm a fucked up person but I will not be disengenuous about things like this.

Crown I'm so fucking intimidated by you. I'm almost scared of you. I look up to you in so many ways that I've come to resent it a littlebecause I feel like I'm not good enough because I deseperate seek your approval and I rarely get any sort of response from you and it's frustrating. Crown you're like a literal senpai to me. I mean fuck I only remade that kirishima because I wanted so badly to try and rp closer to you.

And then boku became really triggering for me and I tried to branch out. I'm useless tomyself. I'm a walking suicide bomb. That's all I am. And the longer I have friends the worse I act because of that. because I don't expect people to stay around, because I start to act more like me which is a fucking underdeveloped sack ofshit that doens't understand what I'm doing half the time.

I really need the guidance of my friends when I do something wrong. I really, really do. Even if you just dm me about what I did like if I turn a subject or something. Please tell me. please I'm begging you because I reallydon'tfucking understand so much I realy don't. I'm begging you crown I don't mean to do this, I don't mean to do any of this and I really.

Ineed my friends help to try and be better and i'm pleaing with you and the others to help me get better on this front, on things that my therapist can't really touch yet. I'm fcuking crying like a scrub because this really is fucking important to me. Making a change, making a fix, being _sorry._ I only bring up my mentalillness because I want you to understand what's lead me to this response or thought process or whatever because maybe then i can try to fix it while i wait on medicines and things to fix me better.

I hate it but despite being haha super smart I'm like a fucking 15 y/o in a 24 y/o's body. mentally so much of me is still back in 9th grade before the torture incident that made it impossible for me to talkto people the way i need to. everything still feels so fresh  and i can't make my brains top thinking that it's all going to go back to the start.

I'm just.I' begging you to please understand me and that I'm meaning everything and I really do want to make a change. that everything i've done was not in that intention and the way i looked at things i didn't see them for what they were. like the vaguing. i posted it as a way to get my thoughts out because i was toiling in my own head, i never meant for it to hrt or BE a vague poost but thats exactly what it was. A vague post. the only person close enough to me is my damn father.

i dont know.pealse dont take this all as me trying to buy sympathy or god knows what else i'm really breaking down to the realest me i can. im not on the same level as any ofyou, i feel like a pretender in my ownbody, some broken down child trying to play with the grown ups and throwing temper tantrums because i don't know how to handle anything. all ido is care about you guys but  dont do it the right way or well and i just.i dont want pity but i want understanding and i want to try and make it better.

i dont want to be scared anymore. i dont want to be scared of my friends but i am. and because ofthat im pushing. and im just. i want to be normal. i wish i was normal, or even at least ony our guys levels of functioning. i wish i wasn't a fucking stupid moron  about everything. i wish i could just flip a switch and be a better person. that's why i cut,because in my head its like if i cut enough if i make mself bleed enough i'l bleed the bad away and it'll be okay i'll be better and i won't be so tainted for you guys and i'll be okay and it'll be all okay.

because to learn something when i did something wrong i was always punished and i can't get past it still i just can't. and now no one eventells me when i do something wrong and i just want to know so i can fix it. thats all. every lastbit of this is meaningful. itsall serious its all me. imbaring myself as much as i can and im trying not to make excuses i just dont understand so much i can't comprehend i can't i can't i can't.

i'm sorry crown i'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm sorry. it just sounds like more excuses but it's not i just want to explain i just want to explain m head because everything is hard and i never know when i do something wrong until it's too late.