ffxwriter

[ffxwriter]

My two goofballs. 12/25/17

[ffxwriter]

Gratitude, 7 Dec 17

1. Coffee

2. Peanut Butter

3. Sunshine

4. Doyogawithme.com

5. A new client

6. Merged finances

[ffxwriter]

I'm in teenage hell

Being forced to listen to music I don't wanna listen to so as to not upset the apple cart. All the yoga in the world can't make this better.

[ffxwriter]

8 Nov 17

Meditation is such a gift

Calm.com

7 days of calming anxiety

[ffxwriter]

Grateful, 8 Nov 17

1. Life (RIP Sheka)

2. Coffee

3. Silence

4. Being able to tune into the air coming in and out of my body

5. Opportunities

6. Being able to afford dental care

[ffxwriter]

Only in my house, 5 Nov 17

Me: Do you want to sleep over at M's house?

Little Man: Only if you help me with Ashrei first.

Mini Me: I wanted to help you with Ashrei.

Little Me: You can help me with Ashrei if I can touch your knee.

[ffxwriter]

Grateful, 1 Nov 17

1. Blackboard, for keeping my son from avoiding a freakout this morning.

2. Friends, for helping me put issues in perspective

3. Self-awareness: I need to ensure that paper and digital calendars reflect one another and are up to date.

4. Mindfulness and coffee: a potent combination

5. Quiet. Stillness.

[ffxwriter]

Things I can't control, 26 oct 17

1. Other people's perceptions of me and my words

2. Other people's emotions

3. Other people's choices

[ffxwriter]

Grateful 25 Oct 17

1. Coffee

2. Medicine

3. My son's ability to remember and set limits

4. My daughter's kernel of truth

5. Yoga

6. Cardio

7. Flexibility in life and my ability to recognize that I need to keep working on this

8. Having work

9. J's anticipation of stress may not come to fruition. Realizing that and not internalizing that.

10. Realizing that people may legit be intimidated by me...not dislike me (esp K). Be kinder. Accept that I can be intimidating, even though it is hard for me to believe that about myself. Grateful for that knowledge.

[ffxwriter]

16 Oct 17

#metoo

The first time I remember was in 5th grade. The perpetrator, who shall remain nameless because he now is a name and he probably didn't really know what he was doing, put his hand on my knee and slowly slid it up my thigh. In fifth grade. I can't remember what he said. I remember feeling embarrassed and not knowing what to say to him or how to make him stop. He eventually stopped and made some sort of off-hand joke about me not having a clue what he was doing. He was right. I didn't.

I went home and told my parents. I believe the response was akin to "you should be happy he is paying you that much attention. He's a nice boy." What was unsaid...I was heavy for my age and had just started puberty and wore purple overalls for my school picture. I was a nerd. So, I should be happy that someone as ugly and fat as I was is even showing up on his radar to tease. Well-played, parents. Gold stars, all around.

There are other incidents I have tried to forget. The college senior who came to see my high school plays, decided he wanted to take me on a "grown-up" date, and then got annoyed when I repeatedly told him I wasn't interested in him. He claimed I led him on by writing him letters (this was pre-Internet and email). When I told my father, he repeated the line I had heard in 5th grade... essentially, you could do worse. When I told his sister and his mother, they denied that anyone as sweet as him could possibly have done such a thing. I remember being so angry at being invalidated.

There were plenty of other incidents--being harrassed in the metro in Lyon, regularly being treated like a piece of meat there, especially by the older men who hung out where I lived. We learned to live with the threat...only going out in pairs or groups, not taking the metro alone, especially at night, ignoring behavior as much as we could and not showing fear. But I didn't understand. I was still ugly and fat. How was I attractive to these people? Why wouldn't they leave me alone? Certainly the idea of sexually harrassing me was disgusting to them, wasn't it?

Then I learned more about power struggles and illnesses and figured out that for many, it didn't matter what I actually looked like. That didn't provide any relief. But it gave me somewhat of a reason to stop hiding behind the food and the baggy clothes. All subconsciously, of course. In all my years of therapy, we've never touched on this issue at all.

Old habits die hard. People still make inappropriate comments. I try to forget them or else call them out, if it's a safe space. When I'm alone out there in the world, I look over my shoulder. I keep my purse close. I remember my training about hitting an attacker in the eyes. I make eye contact and pretend I'm not afraid so that I can scare potential attackers off, or, in the event that I am attacked, I can possibly identify who did it.

I worry now about my daughter. She started high school this year. How much has she already experienced? Or have her friends experienced? I think, she's too young for #metoo, but she's 14 and I was 10.

I was 10.

You should be happy he's paying that much attention to you....

No. Not on my watch.

[ffxwriter]

My gorgeous girl

[ffxwriter]

Things I fought about today, 12 Oct 17

1. Why my husband refuses to wear a seatbelt in the car and continually tries to "outsmart" the car by tricking it into thinking he has his belt on.

2. Why we need to keep our life insurance policies even after our kids are over age 18.

3. How financial distress can lead to emotional distress

4. How I'm not a bad person for suggesting that my daughter should not wear the same jacket every single day because it will increase her b.o.

5. Internally, why I can't post this on FB or TW because I'm keeping a low profile on both platforms.

[ffxwriter]

Grateful 12 Oct 17

1. Time for lunch yesterday with my girl and today with my husband

2. Time with my writers today

3. Knowing that the sun will return

4. A 60-min yoga class this morning

5. Two more assignments from a client

*remember to hold the circle and coach

..not force. This is about their space and their experience. :)

[ffxwriter]

Grateful, 4 Oct 17

1. Sunshine

2. Chai latte with almond milk

3. Time to edit

4. Choices to eat mindfully

5. Fleece jackets

[ffxwriter]

Grateful, 3 Oct 17

1. Breathing

2. Realization that some things just don't fit in and I need to not force but let them go...

3. Time and space to edit

4. Sunshine

5. Hugs from my family

[ffxwriter]

Grateful, 2 Oct 17

1. I am not in Las Vegas

2. I have a meeting with a book editor.

3. I ran for a few minutes last night and my knees didn't hurt.

4. We all made it through Yom Kippur.

5. Shondaland is back on TV.

6. My kids and husband are not in Las Vegas.

7. I am teaching a new class this afternoon!

[ffxwriter]

Grateful, 21 Sept 17

1. Good friends!

2. Good friends who cook and invite us to dinner :)

3. I made it through another year intact.

4. The rabbi's a sermon meant something to me.

5. Little Man got to hold the Torah today :)

6. Two-hour nap and break from work.

7. Realizing that Mini-me is a Jewish adult and can make her own decisions about observance. She argued her point well.