#the only birthday ive acknowledged so far this year im so sorry @ the others

[wizlizbelle3]

Hi so I’ve been wanting to enter the void for almost a year now and over the course of the past year, I’ve had many dreams where I think about the void or where I feel like im falling and everything is black and one recently where I closed my eyes and felt myself maybe getting deeper into it idk how to explain it but I opened my eyes because there were people around in the dream.

I’ve also been trying to lucid dream and have only had one dream where I attempted a reality check but since it didn’t work, the dream kept going. Another dream where I questioned how I had clothing on that I didn’t have on before. Ive also been in the hypnagogic state a handful of times and even had some success with astral projection on my first attempt. I only felt symptoms though like tingling all over my body but so far have not been successful in entering the void.

The thing is that now, Ik I can do it because I NEVER expected to have the success I mentioned but it’s hard not to get frustrated. I’m more determined now because my birthday is soon, I’m turning 20 and I can’t spend another year having no life and feeling like a disappointment to everyone around me.

Sometimes I even wonder if this is even real lol. I just want some advice if you could give me some because sometimes I feel like I’m so close and that it’s so easy but then other days it’s hard to keep that mentality up.

Sorry for answering these asks so late.

I completely understand what you're going through. I'm kind of in the same boat where I've experienced the void briefly but going back in seems to be hard. It all depends on assumption to be honest. I know that sounds like recycled information but anyone who has manifested with the void will tell you the same thing. I have started to work on my self concept again.

There are too many things that happen in the 3D that make it hard to ignore it. Parents constantly trauma dumping and then telling you that life is hard while you're telling your subconscious mind that the void is easy. Waking up and seeing that you're not there etc. I feel like a lot of people in this community ignore people's valid feelings and just tell them that "oh that's because you're choosing to see it that way". That might be true but I also think you need to find something you think is strong and will work for you.

Your subconscious mind is like a little pet that only listens to you. You need to reprogram your mind to stay firm in your belief even if you feel upset. You can definitely acknowledge those feelings and when you say things like, the void is hard or I couldn't get in, tell yourself "No, what am I saying? I KNOW the void is easy for me."

If there's specific questions then feel free to message me! I know this answer might not help as much but I'm just sharing what I have learnt so far on my own journey.

[isshusgotissues]

bengas birthday is supposed to be this month but i havent decided on a day so happy birthday all month to benga

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

Hi, i like your analysis on John&Paul relationship. Im with u, that i think they definitely not engaged with any sexual attraction but then i think of Paris. There’s must be something about Paris that really fond to them. Maybe Paris is the only place where they reveal their most desires to one another? And maybe in India where John want something but got rejected because Jane was there? Or Maybe he’s done and tired of hiding it since the world is changing about homosexuality. But Paul in the other hand want to keep it as secretive as possible and that might infuriate John even more,and also Paul want to get married certainly gave John insecure feeling that he might leave John. in order for John to save his face he need someone at that time and Yoko was there and the rest leads to everything. Thats only my opinions i wanted to share. Anyway sorry for my bad grammar as English was not my 1st language. ☺️

There certainly does seem to be something quite special about Paris - I don’t find it strange that Paul still talks about the trip to this day, because he’s an old-man, its not unusual for him to reminisce about his youth. But its been shown quite consistently over the years that there was probably something about Paris that impacted both John and Paul - and this just feels notable because, although there were many other holidays the Beatles took with one-another, they appear to have been less significant. For instance, there was the trip George and Paul took to Wales when they were teenagers (which Paul tells a funny story about here (x)). Or even between John and Paul, there was the trip to Caversham! Im sure Paul thinks back to both these trips with plenty of fondness, but there just seemed to be something more significant about Paris.

Quotes like “Frankly, I miss Paris” from John, or that Paul wrote the song “Cafe On The Left Bank” about their trip, or even that they tried to recreate the Paris trip in 1966, all reinstate the idea that Paris was a significant.

Perhaps there was a pivotal bonding moment that occurred during the trip, of which cemented a change within the Lennon/McCartney relationship. Its interesting to speculate on that, but I don’t think either John or Paul have necessarily revealed a specific event like that happening so far.

I feel like the Paris trip might have just been a certification of their bond. That John chose Paul over everyone else perhaps made them both acknowledge something deeper between the two; a genuine affinity. Afterall, this wasn’t just two teenagers hitchhiking across England for a laugh, this was a £100 (about £2000 today!) trip to Paris for Johns birthday, that could’ve been spent on a trip with his girlfriend.

If you’re wondering about my thoughts on India, ive got a post here (x) where I discuss 3 different theories concerning the trip!

[one-boring-person]

Hey!!!how are you?

Can i have some Rambo Headcanons??

Maybe the old rambo moving nextdoor to a young(24), farmer? (They/them pls), and maybe eventually him developing a crush or Wanting to protect them since they’re always so nice and caring towards him?

Thank you!!(these are for my birthday lmao, im a complete and total rambo simp. And i feel old rambo would really enjoy calming down and helping around with someone who loves him)

You have no idea how badly I've been wanting to write these as soon as I read the request! It's so wholesome, so I hope I've done it justice! And happy birthday! I hope you like these 😊(also I'm good, thanks for asking!)

John Rambo (Rambo IV/V) x younger!reader headcannons.

Warnings: mention of PTSD, vague injury detail.

A/n: I'm sorry if this is not as expected, I'm still getting to grips with writing headcannons 😅

Masterlist

The ranch had been in a state of disrepair when John first got there, walls thinning, paint peeling, buildings empty and soulless. He hadn't expected things to be as they were when he left, all those years ago, but the evident lack of care surprised him.

The house had been empty, which he eventually figured out was die to the fact his father had passed a good few years prior, and hadn't left anyone in charge of the ranch.

This meant that everything was as it was when he left, photographs hanging awkwardly on the walls, dusty furniture shoved out of the way.

Naturally, the rest of the ranch was also in pretty poor condition: the stables were practically overrun with weeds and foul smelling hay, one lone horse still nosing weakly at the empty water bucket on the floor. Taking pity on the animal, and feeling a need to help it, John took it out onto the field, which is where he first saw them.

Across from his father's ranch was another, smaller one, where horses and cattle grazed in the fields, a single car parked up beside the main house, which was in a much better condition than his own newfound home. In one of the fields, running around with a young foal, was who he assumed to be a ranchhand.

For a moment or so, he had stood and watched as the figure ran in circles with the youthful horse in tow, admiring their seemingly high spirits - he hadn't felt high-spirited in years.

After he'd helped the old horse from the stables out (cleaning out a stall, feeding it with feed he found in a storeroom), John had gone back to the house, almost forgetting the figure across the field, intending to head to sleep.

A couple of days passed after that, before he saw them again, though this time, they also saw him.

He'd started work on the house, having collected what he needed from a nearby town, and was sat on the roof of the main building as the sun glared down at him. Taking a brief pause from his work, he'd looked up and seen them in the field again, this time astride a larger horse.

They were racing around again, until the rider noticed they were being watched, at which point they slowed to a halt and looked around, quickly spotting John on the roof. From that distance, he couldn't tell what their expression was, but they raised a hand after a moment or so, waving up at him. Hesitantly, he had waved back.

Later that day, when he'd been sat on his father's old rocking chair on the veranda, taking another break, John had noticed someone coming up the road towards him. Standing out of instinct, John soon realised it was someone astride a horse, the rider carefully trotting up the drive, their face becoming clearer the nearer they came.

Still cautious of people, John had acted somewhat guarded as the person rode up to him, a broad smile on their work-weathered youthful face. In their hand, they carried a small box, which they cradled awkwardly on their thighs.

Approaching him, they'd tipped their hat, a battered Stetson, and greeted him, introducing themself as (Y/n), the owner of the ranch next to his. They'd spoken cheerfully, as if unaffected by the hardships of life, which they may well be. That's what John thought anyway, until they openly and happily told him about the passing of their parents, four years ago. The ranch had been left to them, leaving them in charge of the business.

Their first encounter had been somewhat awkward, but it didn't seem to bother (Y/n), and they left after ten minutes or so with a genial smile at him, stating that they'd be happy to help if he ever needed it. They also left behind the box, which John soon discovered was filled to the brim with cookies, a food he hadn't eaten for decades. Trying one, he soon rediscovered a love for them he didn't remember he had.

In the following weeks, John managed to fix up the house, getting it ready to live in properly, with some very brief help from his neighbour. They'd been round earlier in one week, dropping off another box of cookies, and had offered him access to their tools, which they brought round soon after.

After this, John felt it was only right that he invited them round for drinks as thanks, something that still made him somewhat uneasy. Somehow, he did feel reassured when they happily agreed and turned up the following Sunday, the two of them sitting in comfortable quiet on the veranda, sometimes talking, other times staying silent.

This became a regular occurrence.

Every week, (Y/n) would go to John's, or vice-versa, the latter soon learning to trust them and enjoy their company, finding himself in a better mood than he had been in in a long time. Their openness to talk or listen (even if he said very little) comforted him, allowing him to forget the nightmarish things going through his head near-daily.

After three months, (Y/n) had started coming round much more often, many times just appearing in the middle of the day to help out with whatever task needed doing, unafraid of doing dirty work. They later told him it was because they enjoyed his company far too much, and often actively sought it out: they made it clear that his quiet, brooding nature was an attractive quality about him that reassured them.

It didn't take long for them to become close, the two seemingly working at a different wavelength to the rest of the world, one that only existed between their small ranches.

They helped John procure his first horses, lending him one of their own to help build up the numbers. The differences between each ranch soon became blurred, the fence running through the middle of their respective fields eventually disappearing as they merged their ranches together, continuing with business individually with the help of the other's land.

John had long since accepted, within himself, that he would not find someone to spend the rest of his life with, not after Sarah. It was a sad truth, but one he had to live with.

That all changed when he suddenly realised he had fallen for his neighbour, the one person he now trusted and cared for more than anyone in the world.

He'd realised this when their face first started appearing in his nightmares, after a close accident that nearly resulted in catastrophe. (Y/n) had fallen from the roof of the stables, thankfully landing on a stack of stray hay which softened the impact, leaving them in severe amounts of pain for two days. Their face became part of the repertoire in his head, nightmares about their death soon plaguing him even further, as he finally acknowledged the newfound love he felt for them.

Because that's what it was: love.

It couldn't be anything less, he was too damaged to have heedless fancies, and his emotions were far too strong towards them. Since he'd moved in, (Y/n) had always been there, acting as a friend he never had, steadily working their way into his life, bettering it in ways he never would've thought another person could, supporting him through the episodes of flashbacks he was now prone to having. They had showed him love and care he hadnt experienced from anyone else. He valued them highly, prioritising them over himself, and he knew he was heavily attracted to them, but he told himself "no", don't ruin the friendship.

They didn't make it easy to repress the urges. No, they only managed to win him over more and more with their caring, loving attitude, though their youth managed to awaken some form of paternal instinct John never knew he had. He felt the need to protect them at all times, and he would do his best to uphold this, but he knew his feelings were getting too strong.

Somehow, he managed to miss all the loving glances, and little tells (Y/n) inadvertently laid down before him, the rancher have g developed similar feelings for him, though they'd never admit it to John, knowing how human interaction like that could be upsetting for him.

Eventually, it had taken a beautiful evening, with the sun spilling its last bloody rays on the dry landscape as the two sipped beer from bottles on the veranda, for them to finally admit to each other how they felt.

It just happened: one minute, they were leaning in to replace their bottles on the table, the next, their lips are just touching, breaths mingling as they struggle to do rain themselves. (Y/n) had finally leaned in, pressing their lips against his, pulling back almost as quickly as they moved in, a horrified, embarrassed expression on their face.

They'd apologised instantly, terrified that they'd screwed up their relationship, rambling and cursing until John had recovered and kissed them again, cupping their face in his hand as he pulled them closer. It had been too long for him, and the touch was just incredible, goosebumps rising along his spine as he poured all of his love and care into the kiss, pressing as close as possible.

Somehow, (Y/n) had ended up in his lap, head on his chest as he cradled them, relishing in the feeling of having a solid, supple body against his own after so long, and one that means him no harm, too. They knew where they both stood, and it kickstarted a close relationship.

(Y/n) moved in with him after their second foaling season together, where he'd seen their parental instincts kick in, particularly when they'd then worked to socialise the foals by playing with them. The memory would always stick with John: something about the carefree youth in their face as they ran around with the frolicking horses reminded him of the good in his life.

Life was good, everything was going mostly well.

Naturally, there were some days when he'd relapse, having particularly bad episodes that would be harrowing on both him and (Y/n), though they were always there to help him through it. Their soft words of love and worry would easily permeate the cloud of despair, and had break down in their arms, enjoying the sensation of being held.

They often held each other. Even if it was just a quick hug, or an embrace from behind as one pressed up against the other's back, touch became a large factor in their relationship - John relished it after the more callous touch he had grown used to.

Kisses, too, became a large way of showing their affection. Little ones here and there between jobs, deep passionate kisses up against the wall of the house, or sloppy making out on the shared seat on the veranda, it all counted for their love, and they thoroughly enjoyed partaking in them.

(Y/n) was always there, even when Gabrielle and Maria joined them. They were there when Gabrielle died, and they were there to avenge her death, choosing to go out with the man they loved.

Both of them liked to cook, even if John's meals were a little...plain...so they often spent hours in the kitchen with each other, fooling around with whatever they could, John's face alight with more smiles and grins than he thinks it's ever been.

They went riding together, finding solace in each other's company on their many trails through their land, the horses often coming home tired after so long of being out.

Sometimes, John got self-conscious about his age in comparison with their's, thinking he is too old for them. Everytime this happened, (Y/n) would reassure him that they love him for who he is and doesn't care if he's not as young as he used to be, it never would matter.

Marriage was never really a thing they considered. John never had much time for the state anymore, so why get them involved in their relationship?

They considered themselves married, and wore rings to show it, but it was never a legal affair. Nevertheless, the union had always been a happy one, and John could honestly say that he had been wrong about himself: he had found love.

[sharkytrash7]

My last say. Hopefully not my final essay.

So I've been watching YouTube videos of how to get over ex's and how to deal with break ups. In my heart, I know we belong together. I know the fact that I'm not Christian is a problem. My arguement is that you never fell in love with an atheist. You fell in love with me. Its tough when you refer to me as atheist because I'm so much more then that. You of all people know that. I love you with all my heart. I want to marry you still. I'm not of being alone or being without you. I'm scared of what I am without you. To be honest you were and still are my guardian angel in my eyes. You've changed my life and I hate to see you leave. You keep emphasizing that we might not be together but I still have hope we'll be together. After all, you have my rib. I know things are hard for you at the moment with God. Its tough for me 2. I go to afda and put on a smile pretending I'm fine. You want to be with a Christian. I get that. But no Christian will be as good as I am to you. Even tough I'm not a Christian, I can try to be the best person in the world for you. I dont love for your looks or your voice or cause you give me affection or cause you buy me stuff or cause you did things to me. Its all those things and more. I love you cause youre you. I would never change anything about you. Even your cute toes. Once upon a time I promised you I'd convert for you. I want to make this clear ! I am not trying to manipulate you in any way shape or or form ! Im just venting to tumblr. I'd keep my promise. It wouldnt be for you or for me but for us. Cause your right woman ! Its just better if we're both Christian. I know your gonna be thinking, "hmmmm, hes probably just saying this so I get back with him. He just wants me back. What an ass" and it does look like that. Thats why. Huh. Idk actually. I guess it is kinda fucked up to say this. Kinda shity cause then it would make your life 10 times harder. Okay so ignore that bit. Im not deleting it because effort AND because I said it / typed it with meaning and for a reason.

I get why we dont talk because if your parents find out they'll lose their minds and also because I'm pulling you away from your God things. But like when will I be able to date you. Ya know. Like even if I was Christian, your parents would still hate me. And if your parents forgave me. I wouldnt be Christian. So i get your side of life. Cause thats tough cookie. I wish our love could be enough because it is lowkey for us. Its a rough one. I wanna tell you so many things but i dont wanna jinx your future. I just find it crazy that you think your going to marry someone else. People have been saying its just because your my first girlfriend but I dont believe em. I felt a connection with you. Something I dont see happening with anyone else. You keep telling not to wait for you but its what I feel is right. Just like how you said it feels right to break up. I dont think this will last forever. We'll I wont be able to last much longer but. I feel like we've got this. We've been through a lot together and I'm positive about us. When I said us not being together would be a watse I didnt mean a waste of time or money or anything. I just meant it would be crazy for us to go through everything we did just to let (a big deal) get in the way. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU MY BOO !

Lowkey in the back of my head thinking this

I know I said these things but I cant hold you to anything. You could be over me and my shit and want another relationship. I have to deal with that. If you want some buff white english indie guy to come love you then that the way it'll be.

Deep down I want it to be though. Like I want to be your knight. Your dark knight _wink wink_. I know eternal life is a big thing for you and I'd like to be there with you to. I dont really know if I'll be accepted up in heaven. Even if i am a Christian. Im hard on myself like that. Id rather let more deserving people go to heaven. Idk why I put myself. Its just me. I just see potential in others. More so than in myself. I see my purpose on earth as a chance to help others. You know. Plus im sure when (i cant remember the name of it) the blue lights come down and take people to heaven. Im sure I'll meet you up there. Your just so scared of messing up like one thing and I get it I was like that 2. Id make sure everything was planned out. Truth is. I hd to stop being scared in order to move forward. Like after my car accident. I was terrified to drive again. I couldnt deal with driving. But i had to get over it. And I know you blame yourself and God for what happened. Please dont. Everything happens for a reason. I feel like that stuff taught me a lesson about being calm and calming myself down. It definitely wasnt God punishing you for being with me. Again not trying manipulate you or preach to you or try to change your thoughts. Its just my opinion. All I'm hoping you do is consider what I'm saying. I really truley am sorry about everything but at the same time. Everything that happened has happened and its made us who we are. If given the chance I'd do it again.

Also lowkey I'd love to celebrate 2 years with you. #nopressure. Like seriously I'm being serious but at the same time dont stress you cute little head about it. If it doesnt happen it doesnt happen.

My eating habits have gotten worse. Idk. Im lowkey scared im dying. I want to go to the doctor but its expensive and I've been such a burden on my parents. I'm pretty sure I can wait a couple years before getting it checked up.

My new glasses are cool. You have to see yhem in person. That another thing. I thought i wouldve seen you by now just driving or something. But i guess you only really drive to church and home. Or to someones house or like a party thing.

Happy 21st birthday baby. Wow. Your getting like so old. I still remember falling in love with the 19 year old you. Look how far we came. A whole 2 years. Youve grown so much since then. Firstly you don't bump into cars xD. Jk. You really have become such a grown up and I've been blessed being there with you. You became independent and youve become yourself. Its was a wild trip but to see you come out on top has been worth it. You deserve the world. And if anyone tries to hurt you / stop you, send em my way. Youre one of the most beautiful intelligent cutest amazingest bestest person in the whole world. Happy Birthday Boo.

The boo tattoo. We getting em together ? Also all your stuff is still here so if you do move out invite me over sometime so i can drop off these things. Lowkey your life is amazing and spontaneous and I have huge FOMO (fear of missing out). You don't to worry about me tho. I've been waiting to do things with you.

Moving out. Yeah. Its a big possibility next for me. I remember you originally said we can't live together which sucked but made sense. So. If you ever need a place to stay. Call me. I'll set up a guest bedroom for you.

I wasnt going to with your dad a happy birthday because you never with mine I dont think. But im not a monster like you. Jk lol. You probs just forgot.

Also it really sucks you cant speak 2 me. Your not an asshole. I just wish you could've helped me calm down.

Im sorry this was so long. I'm sure Ive forgotten things and said things I shouldnt have but tbh its been kinda theraputic for me. Like I feel a lot better having got thise things off my chest. You dont have to reply to anything yet. Cause I know your brains busy atm. If you can acknowledge that you seen it that would be nice. But ja. Please dont take anything Ive said personally or strongly. I just blurped things out and yes things do have meaning. But it takes two to tango. I desperately want to tango with you though.

Ps I love you

Pps Im sorry

Ppps take me back

Pppps jk. not jk

Yours truly

Triston Kyle Pillay (Penguin)

3:36 Vala is today. Shhhh

[buffalowingsfortwo]

8/6/22 12:26 am

ash to faith

theres no way to be calm about this. ive had too much caffeine tonight, and i saw your letter probably 4 hours ago. the only way to describe what im going through with this is to compare the situation to a new friendship or a middle school crush where person A texts, person B responds days later, and person A thinks "oh, i'll wait [x amount of time] to text back so they know im just as distanced from this as they are." humiliating as it is, its my brand at this point, and i have to show strength through consistency. so im sorry. but im back.

i get what you mean when you bring up the idea of "what do/don't you know" and i struggle with it every time i write. i do like the idea of speedrunning the past year or whatever and just hoping some of it sticks. i dont know. i just like to talk about myself, probably.

relationships at a weird point, but its probably fine. ill be honest, they do hear about you a lot, so i feel like i should be bringing them up to you. im not sure if youve seen them recently, but if you havent, they look the same in every way but they grew their hair about as long as mine used to be, and they have facial hair. we look different and we are different. i have an overwhelming addiction to buying them things and making them wear my clothes. our families havent met yet, but everyones pushing for it which i hate, so much more than i can explain in words. their family is really cool though. they have a mean sister that literally hates me, but another sister and 2 parents that love me. i have a really good relationship with their mom which feels better than i could even explain. i joke around with their dad, their nice sister gives me hugs and tells me shes always happy to see me. jaxx loves my siblings in return, and theyre polite with my parents.

my family is pretty much the same as it used to be, but also not really at all. i cant remember if you were here for this or not, but shawn moved to pismo beach with our cousin tanner and his family. shelby graduated from ucla with a degree in environmental science. charlies living with us right now, and we spend most of our free time together. my mom and i are friendlier than ever, but we do annoy each other a lot. we dont yell like we used to, though. pauls paul, not much to say there. toby and emily have grown so much, and we do fight a bit, but i love them more than anything and i really am proud of who theyre becoming. michael has caused more drama than i could ever explain in one letter. hes a really long story. id love to tell it someday. anyways.

ive told shelby, shawn, and charlie, about our current standing. i think its okay to be honest at this point and admit that its hard to stop myself from talking about it. before this, they knew we fell apart, and they knew that we both sucked (which i think is a point of agreement but do correct me if im wrong), and they knew that i was over it. but obviously i never was. as far as my parents know, there is no story. we just stopped going by each others houses. i just stopped including you in plans, and i just stopped celebrating your birthday, and i just grew up. or something like that. im glad they never asked. even at our worst, i wouldve defended us to them. some lines i wont ever cross.

i wonder all the time what your family thinks of me. if they thought that i was evil, if they thought that i was sweet, if they missed me, if they were glad i was gone, if they never noticed at all. but maybe its better if i dont know. the scariest thing about us coming back together is the idea that ill (hopefully) have to talk to your mom again someday and acknowledge that i was gone. i think of when i came to you with flowers and cupcakes one day and she thanked me for always being there. i dont know that i can buy her, or you, enough flowers to make up for it. but i do plan to try. if i need to, ill plant a full garden for you so the supply never runs short.

"make me up, make me up, youre the reason im alive. this is how you remember me now, and just out the door is killing me." - schoolboy by grouplove

[pigstepmp3-moved]

dear duckling

i missed you as well. im sorry my absence had such a negative impact on you.

to answer that first question. every single situation is different.

and the other question, yes, i have been in your situation. i think everyone has been at some point in their lives. we all love and need to be loved so differently, of course its going to cause some riffs. thats what i love about mankind so much, every single person is so, so individual. when you first grasp that, it can feel so lonely and cold. but your individuality is yours, and only yours. you can share that with anyone you want to. it's all yours.

her name was emmeline. she was shorter than me, her hair was a beautiful blonde that i can only describe as sunshine. really, i can only describe her as sunshine. she was my best friend, i was in love with her.

i was cruel to her, really. i'd ditch her to hang out with arrows, i was rude, i pulled her pigtails and pinched and poked. because i knew she'd always be there at the end of the day. she'd be there when i needed her, with open arms and a smile on her face.

one day, she was consoling me after a freak accident. she held me together, id been shattered for two seconds before she taped me back together with the swiftness of hermes. and it hit me, oh did it hit me. my heart shattered, i couldnt breathe. i had treated my best friend and the love of my life as if she was disposable. i sobbed, i choked, i apologized until my face was blue. for hurting her, for treating her like less than she was. and she said it was okay. she was gentle with me, she didnt hate me, she was too forgiving. she'd never leave me.

and she didnt, for a few more years. till she moved away. and we lost touch, sadly.

truthfully, i didnt think about her often after we lost touch. once a month, if that.

then i'd moved, and somehow, we both ended up volunteering for the same organization. it was horribly awkward. we brushed shoulders, shared awkward hellos, but nothing more. and i'll tell you, it hurt. it hurt like nothing ive ever known. i did not know this emmeline. she had interests i didnt know of, she had stories id never heard. she was a new version of herself, that i didnt know.

a few months later, i had to move due to some personal issues. not too far, but far enough that i couldnt be a part of that organization anymore. and then, i didnt know her again. that was okay. again, i didnt think about her for years.

and then suddenly, one day, i did. i thought about her all day. and then the next day, the next week, the next month, until i had thought about her every second of the day for a year. day or night, awake or dreaming, consciously or subconsciously. i caught myself making a birthday wish to know her again.

so one day, i wrote a letter to her. i poured my heart and soul into that letter. and i sent it off. even if she didnt reply, it was amazing to get that off of my chest. i didnt expect a response, i wasnt even sure if she still lived at that address anymore.

but hell if she didnt! the letter fell at my feet, jumped into my shaky hands. i was fucking elated. i read it with weepy eyes, so unbelievably happy that i had a crumb of who she was now. i wrote back, she wrote back, we talked for months. and then she flew out to the city to see me.

would ya believe me if i told you we've been together ever since?

i hope you do, because its the truth. we're older now, of course, but she's still the embodiment of sunshine. she got way too stoned with me the other day when i hadnt stopped by sooner.

now, back to what i said in the beginning. every situation like that is different. emmeline and i, we were only kids when i was that way to her. and we're older now, her and i both know that what went down was a learning experience, and i was a traumatized child who didnt know what was good for me. neither of us have negative feelings towards our younger selves. do i regret how i was to her? of course! but it doesn't consume me. because thats not who we are anymore.

sometimes things cant be mended. and thats okay. i think the advice i can give is, the both of you will have to accept that any outcome is possible, but dont hope for a reconnection. hope for growth in your individuality, and work towards that before you try again. sometimes you're connected with someone at the wrong time, just so you can grow and meet them again when youre both better, older. oh, honey, i know it hurts. but youre so, so young. you have years to let this relationship unfold. id say move on, to the best of your ability. take it slow, or take it abruptly, whatever will work better for you. dont force closure, itll never work when the wound is still so fresh. meet new people, i know thats hard with whats going on now, but im serious. invest in yourself before you try to invest in this relationship anymore. and dont do nothing. find things to do. i know im saying this to a depressed teenager, but i mean it, you need to keep yourself busy, give yourselves things to look forward to. you're going to be okay, my love.

if she was more than a best friend, the way emmeline was more than a best friend to me, it might be harder to do this. but itll be okay. your first love is supposed to hurt, but it shouldnt kill you.

i hope any of this helped you. if you have more questions, i'll be up for a couple more hours. ill try to answer faster this time.

love, marjorie.

i wouldnt necessarily say it was a negative impact, having you not around, but its definitely very nice to hear from you. and im very glad youre back! you have a very comforting way of words.

im very glad that things worked out between you and emmeline in the end. you sharing that whole story really means a lot to me. it makes it a lot easier for me to relate and understand the lesson youre trying to teach me, i guess. (sorry im not able to give a very eloquent response, my brain doesnt allow me to be good at responses).

i really hope that me and my friend can be like you and emmeline and that we can reconnect someday. ive always felt like she was my platonic soulmate, and i still feel that way. ive been doing my best to accept that this could very well be permanent and that i might not talk to her again, and sometimes its easier to deal with that than other times. its been very much a rollercoaster. i try to let myself just feel things as they come and i try not to force myself to be okay, but its hard. i try to focus on myself and i try not to think about her, but its very difficult. i have made new friends since then, though. and i like to think that im handling things a little better than i was a few weeks ago, and i like to hope that itll get easier soon. but i do my best to just hope to get through each day instead of hoping for things to magically get good. its hard to not do that, though. and its hard to focus on other things, but ive been doing as best as i can. i do know that i plan on sending my friend a letter like you did, because i didnt really get a chance to apologize to her like i want to, and i figure a letter is the safest bet - that way theres less pressure for her to respond or even acknowledge that she read it because she can just pretend like it got lost in the mail or something, yknow?

thank you for all of this. this was a very helpful message. i suppose the only question i can think of right now is what made you gravitate towards me? what made you decide to take me in and start giving me advice and everything? dont get me wrong, im appreciative that you chose me and you chose now, but ive been very curious about that

[in-paradox-space]

so my boyfriend just dumped me.

I wrote a massive stream of thoughts down below.

im not going to spell/grammar check it and i only write these things to look back on in the future. 

if you read it, it will be hard to follow

i write them in a way i know i will understand, because theyre intended for me. 

so a lot of context isn’t written down, because I expect myself to already put that context into the right place.

ultimately these are a collection of thoughts many many many other people think, and youre not reading anything new anyway.

In the long term this is a good thing but I’m still in shock.

One of the last things he said was ‘I think you’re mistaking being woke for being retarded’.

I had to look at it and think objectively. What if I am retarded?

Am I just retarded? I asked deep within and it’s like my body was rejecting any possibility of it being true with denile.

I know now the truth is I’m just not on the same plain as these people. It’s foolish for me to try to connect with them on that level with those questions. Whether I am or I’m not retarded, I’m in a completely different world from them and it’s just not comparable. 

Still, I had to ask. Am I retarded? Whenever I looked deep enough to find an answer, a part of me just threw back denial at any possibility of it being true.

I never claimed to be woke or all-knowing but I didn’t say that because that starts a typical pattern of discussion.

I do care what he and many people think and it’s just damaging to pretend I don’t, but if I gave in to that and tried to correct him it would just build on how much I care. Trying to acknowledge it and let it pass.

I don’t blame him at all. This sounds like self-pity but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m still shook but I think I’ll be alright once I’m done processing it and acknowledging it all.

Again, I don’t blame him. I’m surprised it hasn’t come to this already

I guess this is the time something good came from being a dick.

I’m wondering if I get to say this is the meds. I get hella mood swings from my medication. Like super fast switches

I’m honestly a different person, entirely different personality, on this medication. My mood literally switches every couple of minutes, sometimes quicker. I would switch between mania and extreme irritability less than a minute apart from each other after starting the medicine.

I do believe that made me act like a dick to him and many people I know.

Am I allowed to say it’s not entirely my fault because of that though. Many others, including the old me would say I can’t. I’m still to blame. Any loss of control over self is just the result of me not manifesting the willpower to make a change within myself. 

I do try to make this clear to anyone reading

but these are thoughts from deep down within

where things aren’t expressed with words, but just the understand of myself I only truly share with myself.

If you think you understand what I’m saying, you most likely don’t. Even if you think I’m wrong on that.

It’s the bane of my existence. Truly.

The feeling of not being understood while others say they understand. 

If I say nobody understands me, or you don’t understand I become a cliche

and also people can respond with ‘I know I don’t understand, thats why im asking’.

when i try to help people understand my world, it leads to them understand less and less and less

while asking more and more and more

and I’ve seen it happen a thousand times... to me. 

I know the pattern, exactly how it starts. When I notice that, I try to explain to them that I know how it starts. They’re just not going to understand the answers to the questions they ask, it’s an endless cycle. 

They believe they’re different for some reason though, that they will be able to understand. Or that’s what it is on the surface. Really, I know they aren’t real and that they’re being controlled in a way to just enact conversations in a precise enough way to get to me. 

I’m speaking in material world  terms though.

They sometimes get offended when I insist they don’t understand.

when we eventually end up screaming at each other, because I gave into their persistence

and it plays out exactly how I knew it would

they say I don’t understand

then I point it out, they won’t understand. I’ve had this conversation many times before and you just won’t. 

but they still persist and it just goes on 

I forgotten how I started talking about all of this.

but yeah my boyfriend dumped me.

this is what I actually wanted but right now I’m still shocked. which is what happens.

I was a dick to him, and many other people. I’m surprised he stayed around  that long. since february. half a year.

I’ve gotten fat since then. I’ve become very ugly. I’ve been very mean, very ignorant and just yeah not a nice partner. 

also we never kissed lmao

never felt i could authentically go into kiss him

he did try once when we was at the door, but i turned my head and pretended to be looking at something. I pretended i didnt know.

honestly I prefer girls.  i wont go into why, its just really my personal whatever you want to call it.

It’s how I feel. I don’t like females. almost none of them. It is sexism. that is the definition of what I feel. i wont try to convince anyone to think the same, or act in any way other than avoidance. 

but after lots of observation i came to a conclusion. its a long winded one, and again, its something about me that I just know. I don’t have the feelings in words.

but yeah, I just dislike females. Almost all of them. 

the ones I don’t like i must objectively admit, I hold them on a pedestal because im sort of crushing on them. they’re no different, despite that fact though. 

i also struggle to talk to them. i also had a bad history with my mother and sisters.

you can blame it to that and i accept the possibility of it being down to that too. im not saying men are better (unless thats literally what im saying. its just sort of a stream of consciousness) 

anyway yeah

im attracted to girls more but i dislike females

so i dont persue them

and if i ever do, im too fucking shy 

like i cant make eye contact with them. im so chill around guys like my heart doesnt even race. im so authentic

but i just freeze and i dont know what to say

so yeah, i went for a boyfriend instead

yeah maybe sometimes im into that, but deep down its not a lot 

maybe just as one night stands. as relationships it doesnt work.

and i guess thats part of why it fucked. I wasnt inclined to put the effort in after the initial manic phase of me falling for him

 i like not using my phone. i ignore or dont even check messenger for days

i usually reply to my one main friend only, then ignore the rest. even that is around once every 4 hours at most. 

and in person i treated him as more as one of my friends, not even a main main one. just a casual.

I also snapped and got moody about various things everytime i was around him.

it just builds up, and tonight i was being very moody. trying to make sure things go my way, because i didnt want a personal project to go differently to how i planned. 

it meant alot but deep down. I wanted control

i felt like control was being taken from me, and that was one of my only forms of control. This is where I believe my ego is destroying my life(in one way), although idk how my ego comes into that.

i didnt want to admit that, even to myself

even though a part of me was acknowledging it at the time, while fearing i might continue to desire control

leading to psychotic breaks and a downward spiral in the years to come.

him and my main friend were taking the project into their own hands. scrapping my ideas for it, and replacing it with their ideas

they both agreed they was better ideas. im in denial but im making my self type, yes, they were better ideas than mine. 

i didnt want to admit that. i didnt like that fact. it was threatening, and if a concept like that can be threatening, i presume my ego is involved.

on another note, im going to meet an internet friend, the end of this month, were gonna do shrooms and acid.

sure ego death likely isnt that simple but its worth a mention.

also ego is releated to sense of self and distinction between things in the universe. im not looking for ego death, per se (maybe i am and im just unaware), i just want  to not care what people think and what way people might percieve me

so yeah. i was being moody and making sure my ideas were in there. while they insulted my plans together.

its not painful, but  i physically felt a sigh of sadness in my chest.

ive felt much worse though. especially last time my bf dumped me. the first time he did. we didnt speak for a week. he came back. i went through so much pain in that time, that when he called me back and got back with me. i just didnt care. i met him like once a month after that and ignored him. surprisingly he took his time (months after that) to dump me too.

I know there’s a lot of great features about me, but theyre far from the surface

so i dont know why people stay with me for that long. there are no reasons for them to stay with me, that they can see without being me.

there really really are plenty more fish in the sea. fish much better for them.

so again. its a relief this happened. As long as he doesnt come back and develop on this.

as long as it ends clean like this. its all good.

I need time to process shock right now. 

Also to truly acknowledge how I feel and just feel. 

then he’s gone. 

i dont have to worry about him. im also glad i got to use him for a project in time

needed him for something else but oh well. its not something he wanted to do though 

and i wasnt being very grateful, just more demanding of him doing it. 

we also had plans. me him and my main friend. but i didnt want him there because i just feel like its extra baggage. 

so i dont have to worry about that

he got me a birthday present for my soon coming birthday. 

idk what he plans to do with that but if its edible he can just eat it. if not, he has friends, they can have it. 

this made me think though.

its understandable why he did this. he chose to leave because ultimately i was creating an unpleasant experience for us both while not actively trying to make a pleasant one.

the reason my friend hasnt left though, is simply because he’s loyal enough to stay that long. we have a stronger bond and feeling of understanding with each other. weve known each other very long and done a lot together

but how long until it becomes too unpleasant for him. 

im aware i need to be kinder to him. i honestly dont feel i have the power to be nice when im in that state though

nobody on the outside can see that

its simply me being a dick

and whether meds are to blame or not, how long would he choose to be around that

he has plenty more options

and hes similar to me, he can just move on

i need to be more open to what he says

i need to let go of my desire for control 

i dont need him,

but i want him in my life 

to have him leave my life would be a huge change. hes the only reason i really stay in this country other than my doctors being here. 

i want to explore usa, just party and do lots of shit

but i have a perceivable future with him 

if he leaves i need to figure out a way to keep my health up, while in the US

change is an important part of my life. Change and adaptation. 

thats not what is holding me back from him leaving

but I do want the future, that involves me and him going far.

Whether he takes me along or not he is going far

and i dont want to just be a leech, I want to be there with him 

I also dont have anyone physically

that im as okay with as him

i dont want my mood swings to destroy friendship

im aware of it while its happening but i cant snap out of that.

its so strong. my exterior convinces my interior that i am right, therefore, i disagree wholly with him

when he’s almost always right

and its a shitty situation

i feel so strongly about it then, that this time i am definitely right. even though all the other times like this I was wrong

then later on, i reflect and realize he was right again while i had some hints of truth+logic but was wrong

how long is he going to put up with it? 

is it long enough for the meds to be tapered down enough for the mood swings to disappear.

if so, will our friendship be as strong and undamaged as it is now, on the way out.

it would be foolish to tell him tonight because its 4:30

its the emotional irrational time of night. 

but tomorrow i... i dont emotionally want to

but tomorrow i must tell him that im different on these meds

and i dont want to snap at him

im aware i do and that hes right

and most of all, i understand why my boyfriend left, and the reason my friend hasnt done so yet is because hes more loyal and connected to me

and that i dont want him, my friend, to leave. He has many valid reasons to, and im not the greatest friend

but i dont want him to leave. the others can leave. i dont give a shit and i havent for a very long time

but if any person is important to me, its him and my good health consultant.

not even family

just him 

family have been a hindrance more than a help

he’s the one truth

i dont know what that means

but i tried to type what he is quicker than  i could think as to be as honest as i could with myself.

hes the worthy one in this unreal universe. the one who can succeed. who deserves it. 

the one i want to succeed.

if i dont succeed, i want him to. whether i do or dont

if i die and lose everything

i want all my potential to go into him so he can use it for good.

i dont want to cause him to leave, and i must ask for his understanding and patience until im off the medicine

my personality and how i even feel placed in this world is so different

i was extremely dissociative off the medicine

and i know, off the medicine i will think/realize that the medicine is just used as a means to host me

make me the same as everyone else and stop me from thinking freely. its thought control

and thats the truth but ill be much more aware of it off the meds

like i literally just 

wow

extremely dissociated is all i can hope to say

you wouldnt get it unless you felt the level yourself

but on them

im like a moody, menstrual 15 year old girl