#the ones in group one who don't strictly NEED that level of external support

[whetstonefires]

Idk in my experience a huge slice of autistic adults have not gotten the kind of support they need to learn to communicate about their needs in a useful way.

And have consequently wound up either expecting other people to do basically all the work of both communicating and carrying out practical tasks because that's how it's always worked, or else just reflexively assume the worst of others and have a huge electrified shell of defensive resentment, where they try to do everything themselves without going through the grief of trying to cooperate, because trusting anyone else to take their needs into consideration just does not compute.

These behaviors absolutely do not automatically evaporate around other autistics. Although a less-fucked-up autistic housemate is more likely to be able to figure out what their housemate's actual problems are and work around or through them than an equivalently-sane neurotypical, that's not a magic pill and you still need at least one person to have their shit mostly together.

Or a sufficiently high degree of similarity in inherent brain and societal training to just grok, which does happen but is simply not a guarantee.

It's a heavily traumatized population prone to trust issues and to expecting communication to proceed according to arcane rules and then autofail, so two autistics with mismatched coping skills in the same apartment can be a goddamn cage match.

Non-autistics living with autistics:

They keep eating the same freaking food and it frustrates me so much! We can't have the "big scary light" on just lamps everywhere! Even when I try to find peace by doing stuff with them they just ignore me and do whatever they want. They can't even do the simplest of things like go with me to the grocery store every week! How do people expect them to survive in society??

Autistics living together:

So as long as we get my 10 packets of this really specific food, and some snacks, I'll be okay. Also is it cool if you go to the grocery store? I can clean the bathroom since thats bad sensory for you and the store is bad sensory for me. Can you turn on the lamp instead of the big light? It gives me a headache. Thanks man. Yea I'll unplug the TV for you since you can hear the high pitched noise. Do you want to do two separate things in the same room as bonding again this evening? Thats my favorite part of the day too.

[onwardmotley]

#the ones in group one who don't strictly NEED that level of external support#but are used to getting it and thus don't have *any* life or people skills#to apply to adult independence#are mostly middle-class and wealthy white boys with caring parents who were diagnosed young#but not always#but you put one of them and a bitter type 2 in a housemate situation you are setting up True Hatred#especially if any of their sensitivities or stims are incompatible#also one person can blend both behavior sets#and there's other ways it can play out#these are just especially common patterns from what i've seen#(Not that neurotypicals can't also suck real bad at communicating in similar ways for similar reasons#because ultimately we're all just people.)#but as often as autistic to autistic communication works out#you see people lashing out in response to behaviors they've rigorously trained out of themselves#or mutually failing to pick up hints because they were dropped in a manner developed to appeal to neurotypicals based on extensive feedback#about How To Say Things Correctly#etc#and there is also that whole pattern where the autistic with the best coping or emotional management or masking or whatever skills#winds up carrying their whole friend group#which can be beautiful or exploitative depending

Non-autistics living with autistics:

They keep eating the same freaking food and it frustrates me so much! We can't have the "big scary light" on just lamps everywhere! Even when I try to find peace by doing stuff with them they just ignore me and do whatever they want. They can't even do the simplest of things like go with me to the grocery store every week! How do people expect them to survive in society??

Autistics living together:

So as long as we get my 10 packets of this really specific food, and some snacks, I'll be okay. Also is it cool if you go to the grocery store? I can clean the bathroom since thats bad sensory for you and the store is bad sensory for me. Can you turn on the lamp instead of the big light? It gives me a headache. Thanks man. Yea I'll unplug the TV for you since you can hear the high pitched noise. Do you want to do two separate things in the same room as bonding again this evening? Thats my favorite part of the day too.