#the one time they get distracted and don't say it ruins the recording

[armpirate]

Bittersweet || San

Bf experience

pairing: Idol!Choi San x fem!reader

w.c.: 6.2k

Warnings: fluff, a bit of angst, smut, rough sex, oral sex (female receiving), masturbation (female receiving), unprotected sex, breast play, dirty talk. (Minors DNI! Refrain from reading if you're not +18, and ignore if you don't like this type of content).

Summary: After some change of plans at work forced him to stood you up for your birthday, your boyfriend comes up with sometimes to make up for it.

Aprox. time of reading: 26 minutes

MASTERLIST

San looked at the empty dinner table where a few petals left were lying, and that a few hours back were part of the decoration along with some dishes filled with food. He didn't dare to step inside the kitchen and fridge, because he knew it would be filled with all the food he had ordered, and that birthday cake he managed to buy a day before everything escaped his control.

The plan was easy: order all of your favorite food, buy your favorite cake, and be at home on time so he could celebrate his favorite person's birthday. But instead, the recordings took longer than they should have, and one problem came after the other.

You kept insisting throughout the week how it wasn't necessary for him to do all that for you, and how you could postpone that celebration to a more peaceful time. But it was enough to see your smile attempting to break your concerned expression for him to know he needed to be there for you. He was also sure that, the same way you tried to convince him to save it up for another time, you'd say it was alright when he stepped inside your bedroom and joined you in the bed.

It was always like that. His work got in the way of your relationship, and your first words were "It's okay", when he indeed knew it wasn't okay.

It was of no help how you stayed at home, instead of spending your birthday with your friends, because he assured you he'd be just "a bit late". Not only did he felt like he ruined the dinner, he felt guilty by making you sit there by yourself while you waited for something that would never happen, at least not that night.

"Food won't show up as much as you think about it" you joked behind him.

San turned to you as soon as he heard your voice, momentarily distracted by how good you looked wearing one of his gray hoodies, exposing your bare thighs and walking around like the treat he knew he didn't deserve.

"I didn't hear you enter" you added, walking to him.

For nights like that one, you gave San your code. It was comfortable, and it was also a special show of affection and trust. But it also gave him the possibility to spoil you with something as simple as going to sleep all alone, and feeling warmed by his embrace after you woke up in the middle of the night -or seeing his face the first thing in the morning when a few hours back you didn't think you'd see him.

Although that night you waited for him. You stayed in bed, scrolling through TikTok and social media, just to pretend to be asleep when he stepped inside the room and snuggled next to you, surrounding your waist carefully so as not to wake you up. You started to think you'd fall asleep before he even showed up, and that was why you got up for a glass of water, forcing yourself to stay up.

And that was when you saw him.

The living room was only lit by the two hanging lamps over the dinner table, making your boyfriend the focus of the whole place. The side on San's body that was looking at the table was bathed by the warm light, while the other half stayed in the dark, making his figure even thicker and wider by the contrast of lights.

"I tried to be careful. I didn't want to wake you up" he answered, turning to you at the same time his arms slightly opened for you.

Your hands moved around his tiny waist, ascending to his side under the black bomber. His arms instantly enclosed around you, trapping you in a gentle but safe grip you didn't want to get away from in a really long time.

As his hands moved over your nape and spine, he could feel each one of your muscles relaxing under his touch, even he could feel the weight of your head a bit heavier on his chest as you snuggled against him.

"How was your day? I bet you're tired" your voice sounded muffled, but you didn't move a single millimeter to make it sound clearer, you were too hooked on his woody scent.

San dropped a sigh, moving his hand up inside the locks of your hair "It was nothing special" he assured. "I recorded my parts earlier today, I went to work out, I rehearsed for a bit. And when I was getting my things ready to leave, they told me I had to record my parts again because there were some issues" he softly explained, never stopping the gentle movements of his fingers on your scalp. "How was your day?".

You simply shrugged, hiding your face deeper in his chest as you remembered your shift had nothing special that day. You did your daily tasks as usual, and finished them around the same time as well. And apparently your boss kept track of your personal schedule as much as you did, because he called you into his office as soon as you thought about picking up your phone to answer some texts. Being offered the promotion you were waiting for wasn't on your plans for the day, and being explained what it consisted of -aware of how your boss had thought of you enough to bother explaining every detail of that new position-, or what would be the changes you'd need to face.

"It was good. It's actually been better after I talked to you about it and how I felt" you admitted, sighing. "And you won't believe it, but they offered me the promotion".

San pushed you carefully, just enough to be able to look at your face as his eyes widened with the good news.

"You're saying it as if it was the most normal thing".

"It is the most normal thing" you giggled. "Besides, I don't really want to talk about it right now".

Your face was hidden back in his chest as your arms wrapped around him tight. You didn't think that it wasn't important, or that it wasn't big. You just didn't want to make the mood even heavier by ranting about the pros and cons that would come with the promotion.

"I missed you so much" your voice sounded muffled again, making him chuckle.

Unlike other times, you were able to see each other quite frequently. It was the positive thing of that time between comebacks and tours: he was still busy, but he was able to be around whenever he was done. Whether it was by the way he sneaked inside your room, or how you cuddled on the couch when he happened to have a day off.

"You saw me yesterday" he tried to knock some sense into your comment, instantly getting a squinted look from you.

"So you mean you didn't miss me?".

"Of course I did. I miss you every minute" he pulled you in for a hug again.

You moved back, only a little bit to look up at him, standing on your tiptoes to be able to link your lips together. Your hands moved from his waist to his shoulders, holding onto the neck of his bomber to be able to keep your balance -it didn't matter though, because San's hands were firmly holding you, resting on your lower back.

"Let's go to sleep" you broke the kiss first, taking every remaining of his saliva from your lips as you moved your tongue over them. "You must be tired".

Your clumsy step was interrupted by the grip of his fingers around your wrist, pulling you closer to his body suddenly as he scrunched down to lift your body and carry you like a bride, making you rushed to cover your lips with your palms as you felt a scream aiming up your throat by the sudden movement.

Resisting San and his charms was something that would never be in your plans. One small gesture, like picking you up to take you to bed, had you giggling against the curve of his neck and looking at him with eyes full of love.

He left you on the bed carefully, leaning over the mattress until you were back inside of the only space that wasn't covered by the blanket, silently growling as he stood back up. San couldn't help but smile when you quickly covered your body, only leaving half of your face out to look at him with smiley eyes.

"I'll put the pajamas on and I'll be right back" he let you know, caressing in between your eyebrows with his thumb before he stepped back from the bed.

When he opened the closet, his sleeping clothes were folded in the same place where you always left them after you had cleaned them. He had brought three different pajamas for whenever he spent the night with you, but you knew that white t-shirt and those plaid pants were his favorite. That was why they were always on the top.

San didn't take long to join you on the bed, dragging your body until you were lying on his side, surrounded by his arms, backed up by his body, and with his chin hooked on your shoulder.

"I'm sorry for today" he whispered once the sound of the sheets and your giggles were over, breathing heavily as he dropped that apology that he was sure wouldn't be enough.

"You shouldn't be sorry" you answered back. "We can celebrate it tomorrow. It's not like you did it on purpose".

"I didn't. But I promised you I'd be here, and I didn't".

"So I'm cuddling with a hologram?" you joked.

That was what he loved the most about you, and what it made him hate himself and be sure that he wouldn't ever deserve you. He was the one supposed to cheer you up for messing up that day, and instead it was you the one trying to make him feel better and taking the blame off his shoulders.

The tip of your fingers moved over the arm that you were using as a pillow, trying to reassure him that you meant your words. He wouldn't ever do anything on purpose to hurt you, you knew that, and seeing him having a hard time over something that was out of his control was hurting you.

You finally sighed, rolling over your body to face him, placing your palm over his cheek.

"This is like the trip story all over again. I know I'd probably react the same way you do if I were in your position, but I cannot make you feel guilty over missing dinner. You bought the food, you bought the cake... I know if it had been your choice, you'd have spent the whole day with me" your words sounded calm and soft. "Getting mad at you over this would be unfair".

And would only add more pressure and guilt on him.

"I'm just worried you might think you aren't my main priority" he finally admitted it.

"If I weren't, you wouldn't be feeling bad right now. And you'd probably be making up excuses" your thumb rubbed against his cheek.

You had another answer about being his main priority, assuring him that it didn't matter if his dream came before you, because you knew how much he fought to be where he was. But you didn't say it. You knew San would rant about how you shouldn't ever accept being the second priority of someone, not even if it was him, because you were more important and special than anything else. Last time you dared to say something like that, he stayed on the topic for almost two hours, until you finally nodded and promised him you wouldn't accept to be the second place in anyone's life.

"But..."

"If you say anything else after that 'but', I'll make you sleep on the couch" you warned him.

His lips disappeared in his mouth as he tried to keep himself from saying everything that was going on inside his head. Your proud smile helped move those thoughts away, to the surprise of no one, wrapping his arms around you to glue your bodies together in a warm hug.

"I love you so much, babe" he said, looking down at you.

"I love you, too".

You moved your body up a little, just enough to be able to link your lips together in a short and small peck. When you both were supposed to move back into the hug, you two also moved your faces forward to go for another kiss. A short kiss that slowly turned into a passionate one between some licks and sucking into each other's lips. Your fingers were messing with his hair, dragging him with you as you laid on your back.

While one of his hands supported your head, the other traveled over the curve of your hip, moving past the elastic of your panties to sneak inside the fabric of his hoodie. Your heavy breath, as you felt his digits digging further, almost interrupted your kiss. San smirked with that reaction, infecting you with his sensuality by just exchanging one look, before you dragged him back for another kiss.

His lips felt soft on yours, wishing you could kiss them for hours -and you probably would if only you could. Your body moved under his touch, trying to get closer to him as the tip of his fingers finally got to the curve of your breast. At the same time his mouth pulled from your lower lip, his fingertips dented on your tit, getting your back to slightly arch. Your nipple tightened under his palm, weak to the friction of his skin against yours. The combination of his fingers massaging your scalp, his tongue diving into your mouth and his palm going down your belly again were blurring your mind.

You could only think of him and the way he made you feel. So wanted and loved you even doubted it was even a real feeling.

A hum escaped your lips, and your legs undirectly spread, when his fingers moved past the elastic of your panties, sliding his fingers over your clit and sliding them through your slid over your panties.

"Let me make up for today, hmm?"

You were so focused on how deep his voice sounded after breaking the kiss, and how his lips looked shiny and moist, that your brain wasn't able to put two words together that could make sense. Slowly, you nodded.

San showered your face with kisses, giving small pecks on every corner he didn't pay attention to, while his hands started to lift his hoodie, slowly exposing your skin under the blankets, taking off the fabric with your help. His tongue moved down your throat, forcing you to throw your head back by the involuntary way your body reacted to him, topping it with a kiss on your chin.

He kept spreading with open-mouthed kisses over your torso, moving down to your cleavage and changing his position as he kissed the space in between your breasts. His knee was strategically positioned in between your legs, offering you something to rub yourself against when you couldn't take it anymore. San knew how sensitive your nipples were, and he wasn't surprised by the way your body squirmed with the soft kisses he laid on the two of them.

Just like he expected, your hips didn't take long to bounce against his leg, grinding against the fabric of his pants at the same time his tongue twirled around your hard button. When you looked down, you could only see the curtain his bangs had formed, and his nose peeking over them as it rubbed against your skin every time he went down to trap your nipple in between his lips.

Your clit throb every time his tongue moved over the tip, causing your hips to grind a bit harder against his leg. He was putting you in such a delicate state that you were sure you'd be able to cum by doing that only.

As he held you, San could sense it, too. Your muscles tensed with every move you made, your breathing was starting to be irregular and you were barely able to keep your hands still as the both of them gripped on his t-shirt.

A groan vibrated through your chest when he found your panties drenched in your arousal as he replaced his leg with his fingers, moving them in circles on your clit over your underwear. With every loud breath that hinted the start of those moans that always gifted his ears, a camouflaged moan came out, encouraging him to add his teeth every time he pulled from your nipple. That slightly mix of pain and pleasure stole the first moan of the night.

"Babe, I'm gonna cum" you warned him, feeling your pussy clenching around nothing as it desperately seeked for him.

Instead of getting him to stop and fuck you, San sneaked his hand inside your panties, earning a whine from you when his fingers met your swollen clit, keeping the same pace as he was following seconds back.

Your skin was burning with every move he made from one side to the other, and your jaw was clenched as you tried to keep those sounds to yourself. It was so impressive how he was always able to drive you insane like it was the first time and make your body melt in his embrace as he carried you through your orgasm.

He moved his hand away carefully, kneeling in front of you and causing the blankets to fall behind his body. How he moved in front of you caused you to support yourself on your elbows, getting a full vision of what he was going to do.

What you didn't know was that seeing you in that position was probably the most erotic image he could've ever thought of. His cock twitched inside his boxers, asking for that attention that he wouldn't give to it until he was done with you.

Your hips lifted at the same time his fingers hooked on the elastic of your panties, helping him take them off.

Just like San did with your upper body, he started a trail of kisses from your ankle to your knee. He gave you one fast look, giving you a smirk, as his lips moved past the joint. His kisses were so sweet and chaste, and his hands were holding you so attentively, that contrasted hardly with what was about to happen.

Your eyes never left him, as tortured as you felt when he kissed around your folds, as needy you felt when your hips instinctively lifted to his mouth. He had your full attention, and he loved being the focus of it.

"Hmm" you hummed, licking your lips he finally kissed you over your wet slit.

In an attempt to make him more comfortable, you widened the space in between your legs. And that also worked as a sign that you wanted more from him, that you craved way more than what he was offering you.

You could feel every single hair of your body rising when he slid the tip of his tongue from your entrance to your clit, getting a first taste of you. His tongue twirled around your clit, getting you ready, moving so slowly that you thought he was trying to torture you rather than prepare you.

Your fists closed, grabbing the sheets underneath you when his mouth pulled from your bundle of nerves, letting go of it with a loud sound before he took it back in between his lips again.

He always took his time whenever he went down on you, exploring every millimeter he hadn't explored, taking you to the edge and leaving you hanging for a bit more because he just loved when you surrendered to pleasure, enjoying each and every single one of your reactions as his tongue toyed with you. He was in love with how vocal you were, and how receptive you always showed yourself in front of him.

"You taste so good, babe" he mumbled, sinking his lips back in your slit.

His hands cupped your ass cheeks, lifting your hips and forcing your legs over his shoulders, caging his head in between them. Something shifted in his movements when he changed you to that position, and you could feel it on the way he held onto your flesh. He kept flicking his tongue on your clit, suddenly stopping to move his flat tongue over it. San repeated that same movement a few times, taking his time at first, and slowly moving his head up and down a bit faster, pressing a bit harder to get you to hold onto the sheets as if you'd escape your body at any given time.

His face moved lower on you, enough to be able to slide his tongue inside you, making your whole body wake up at the sudden invasion. At first he just slid it in and out, testing you and seeing your reflection, but soon it was as deep as it physically was able to, causing his nose to rub against your clit while he moved his face to the sides.

You reached to his hair, moving his bangs back, a bit too back to have a few locks falling back over his forehead and forcing you to pull them back again to be able to see his eyes as he ate you out, taking every drop of arousal that kept leaking from you because of him. His kitten gaze made such a huge contrast on what he was doing to you and how he was making you feel that you thought you'd be going crazy.

You were holding onto his locks as if your life depended on it, pushing his head a bit deeper into your core, feeling the friction of the tip of his nose against your clit got a bit more intense. You were losing yourself to him, and he loved watching you take everything he had to offer you, shameless to show off how good he was making you feel with those cracked moans that went straight to his cock.

The second orgasm didn't take much longer to fall upon you like a ray, going through your body from head to toe.

While you tried to recover from your high, San made his way up to your lips, kissing every bit of skin that was on the way until he was finally where he wanted to be. You could feel how big and thick he had become once he laid on top of you, lifting your hips to acknowledge the bulge before he kissed you with a smirk. You could your own taste mixed with his saliva as he twirled his tongue around yours, and just that sensory push was enough to feel your juices dripping down your core again.

"Does my girl want more?" he purred in between kisses.

"I always want more of you" you assured him, licking his lower lip. "Why don't you take it all off and fuck me like you're dying to do?".

He pecked the bridge of your nose, stepping out of the bed to get rid of all of his clothes, making your mouth water at the sight of his cock ready to split you open.

All those dirty thoughts were eclipsed by your clumsy boyfriend almost falling when he kicked the pants and his boxers away, before jumping back on the bed, making the whole mattress bounce with him.

"Desperate much?" you teased him back.

"Yes" he nodded, placing himself in between your legs. "So much I think I'm actually obsessed with you and how good you feel wrapped around me".

Your lip was trapped under your teeth, that tightened their pressure when San's tip pushed against your entrance to slowly slide inside with a gentle thrust. His fingers squeezed the skin behind your knees when he was completely in, trying to make sure you were okay. It was his way to tell you he was waiting for your approval to start moving.

Your hips lifted right after, giving him that sign he was waiting for. His thrusts started as slow and deep, letting you feel every inch spreading you out, every vein rubbing against your insides. He leaned over you, stealing a kiss from your lips, completely drunk by the way you took him in so easily.

"Move a bit faster, love" you asked

He changed the speed while resting his forehead on yours, almost drinking up all the quiet moans that left your lips and floated in between you.

You frowned when he moved back up again, only to change the position of your legs. He put them together, lifting them up to his shoulders before he slid back inside and moved back down to your face.

That new position made it impossible for you to control the loud moan that burned your throat as it escaped, feeling his tip hitting deeper with every thrust.

"Does it feel better this way?" he growled against your lips. "Fuck, I can feel how you squeeze me in so tight".

"Uh-hum" you whined. "You feel so big".

Your eyes rolled to the back when he changed the speed again, going a bit faster and making your skin clap with every thrust. The plead in them was driving him crazy, contacting with his most animalistic side as you begged for more.

"Sannie, babe..." you started mumbling after a few minutes, holding onto the wrists that were on both sides of your head. "I want to ride you".

His pounds lost power and speed, until he was completely still inside of you. He pulled out, letting go of your legs and moving back to lie next to you. With his help, you straddled his lap, placing your needs on each side of his hips.

One hand was positioned on your thigh, caressing your skin delicately, while the other was placed on your hip to help you move up before you started sliding down his cock.

It started at a normal pace, getting used to that new position and angle. Your hand rested on his lower belly, while the other reached for his arm for some stability. San needed more of it though, he needed to feel completely connected to you in every aspect. His arm moved under your grip, and next you knew his hand was holding yours tightly as you started bouncing on top of him.

Sense started to vanish as your whole body started moving. Having the curves of your body on full display, as you took control of his pleasure made him feel in a way he couldn't explain. Your tits bounced in sync with your movements, instantly making him aware of the thin coat of weat that started to cover you after a few minutes.

You got a short break after your legs started feeling sore, only rocking your hips back and forwards. It was a moment you both used to tease each other, linking your eyes and tempting with your smirks, proud that the other was just as lost in the feeling as the other.

The only moment you let go of his hand was to lean over him, targeting his lips for a long kiss that added passion to the sudden arrhythmic movements of your hips. You took him in completely again, gasping against his mouth while he moved your hair back to be able to look at your face. And you were thankful to him for doing that, because you loved seeing the way his face distorted when you moved back up, clenching your walls around his tip before you moved back down.

"Shit, babe. Do that again" he asked with a needy voice.

You repeated the same movement. You actually did it a few more times, while your tongue traced his marked jaw and your lips sucked on the freckles on his neck.

The teasing wasn't enough, you needed more. That was why you moved back up again, with both hands on his stomach while he held you tight by your thighs and hips. You started jumping on him, feeling his cock pull in and out with your moves, drunk by pleasure and addicted how you had that big man moaning and digging his nails on your flesh out of desperation.

"Please" he moaned out loud, and you didn't need him to say or do much more to know what he meant.

You didn't change the pace, you didn't change the angle or position. And although your legs were close to giving up, you still bounced like both of your lives depended on it. One stroke, two strokes... and he was gone. His cock twitched deep inside you as he spilled his warm seed with a loud moan.

Your movements didn't stop there though. You went back to the resting position, still feeling him hard deep in your guts, before you went back to bouncing back and forwards, but a lot faster that time and trying to be as glued to his body as possible. The room was soon filled with those wet noises that came from your pussy as you rocked your hips, mixed with the short but more frequent moans that escaped your lips by the friction of his cock on your walls and the feeling of his cum dripping down your cunt to his cock. San also helped you, positioning his hands firmly on your hips so you'd be able to get your clit to rub against his crotch and give you that little push you needed.

Your body collapsed on top of him as that last orgasm nearly ruined you. You stayed like that for a while, trying to recover as you caressed the other. San's fingers moved up and down your sweaty spine, while your tips traced his collarbone.

"Where did you learn to do that thing with your...?"

"Fanfics" you snorted.

"Hmm" he hummed, pretending he was thinking about it. "Maybe I should start reading them, what's your user?".

"Please don't" you giggled, suddenly lifting your head to look at him, moving your hands on each side of his head on the bed. "If you do start reading them, avoid mine".

Ever since he had known about that side of you, he had become more interested in knowing about it. And you wouldn't really mind... If you weren't deadly embarrassed over the idea of having your boyfriend reading about such detailed and weird ideas.

"You have no idea how lucky I feel to have you" he added with a more serious tone.

"I feel so lucky, too" your hands slowly moved over the pillow, until you were back at cupping his face. "Every single day. All the time. I'm thankful to be with you. And I'm not saying this because I was, and am, a fan..:"

"I know" he quickly nodded.

He remembered how nervous you actually were when you first told him about it, because you wanted him to know and choose whether to go on with the relationship. You understood he could've been creeped out over it, or even think that possibly what you felt wasn't genuine, but a cause of infatuation. But he knew it that same night. You took the time to spend quality time with him, to get to know him; and he was down bad for the beautiful person you were in and out.

Honestly, San even felt relief when you told him you were a fan and that he was your bias.

"You're really important to me" you squeezed his cheeks, making him smile at the moment.

"Let's go clean, shall we?" San suggested.

When he left the bathroom earlier after you cleaned, you thought he'd make his way to the bed. But when you stepped out, he wasn't there and neither were his clothes. Frowning, you put a pair of clean panties on and his hoodie back again.

As you stepped out of the room, you could see your boyfriend's smile in the dark, just to be lighted by the candle on the cake as soon as he was aware of your presence.

You stepped towards him as he sang the happy birthday song to you, moving the cake forward to your face as the song came to an end so you could blow the candles.

You didn't want that to ever end. That was your only wish.

"Grab a spoon. Let's eat some" he said, leaving the cake back on the table before he sat next to you.

It was a comfortable silence. The type of silence that made you sure you were with the right person. No pressure, no worries. It was just him and his company, and you thought that would be enough to solve all the problems that could come in your direction.

"Like I told you, they offered me the promotion" you suddenly said.

"Oh yes. What happened to that? What did your boss tell you?" his eyebrows lifted in surprise, while his lips curved up in excitement.

"He said I was the first person he thought of as soon as the opportunity showed up. And they gave me some time to think about my answer" you scooped your spoon in the cake to get another bite.

"Are you playing hard to get?" his tone sounded funny.

And it probably would've made you smile if you didn't know the reason why you agreed on thinking about it for a while.

"It's in the States".

You could feel his mood suddenly changing. That smile that you were able to feel disappeared, his leg stopped moving. He was completely freezed.

"Apparently they don't have vacancies in Seoul for the position I'd be promoted to, but they need someone to fill the vacancy in the headquarters in the US".

That knot in your throat showed up again, giving you a hard time not to start crying when you were aware of his concerned expression.

Earlier that evening, you were thankful San sent a text telling you he wouldn't make it to the dinner. You knew you wouldn't have been able to hide that for long, and it'd probably have ruined the mood he wanted to create for your birthday.

You were in a delicate situation. It didn't matter what you chose, neither of the options gave you the chance to stay in Seoul. If you rejected the offer, you'd only postpone moving out a few months, at least until your contract expired. And there was a small chance they'd renew it for the position you were doing then, and stay in Korea for a little longer. But also, if you took the offer, there was always the possibility to come back to that new position as soon as there was a vacancy.

Your head was back at the mess it was hours back.

"Can I give you my opinion?" he whispered.

You quickly nodded, just wanting to hug him and make the sadness that was coming out of his eyes disappear.

"You took the courses to form yourself for the position, you have the experience and the talent. You should take the offer".

Of course San said that. He had been the first one encouraging you to do what you wanted to do. He had also been your first support when you had breakdowns because you thought you were stagnant professionally wise.

He was your main supporter.

San's first thought, when you told him where the job was, was how he'd be able to survive having you so far away from him. His heart was starting to ache just with the idea. But of course he wouldn't ever show how hurt he could be about that, or how it affected him, because he didn't want to be the reason you gave up on something you worked so much for. He just couldn't show any hint of his pain, because he knew it'd affect your choice. The fact that you came up to him with the doubt, instead of coming with the decision, was enough evidence that his opinion was as important as yours on the matter.

"I don't want to be so far" your voice trembled with those final words.

San quickly dragged his chair closer to yours, wrapping his arms around you to hug you tight.

"I'll be with you wherever you are" he assured. "I promise there will be no difference. We'll have video calls every day, we'll text all the time. And I'll go to see you every time I have the chance. We will make it work".

It was such a bittersweet feeling. You were encouraged by his words, endeared by how he was willing to fight for your relationship even if you were away. But it was such an awful feeling that he had to say that because of something that involved you and that, at the same time, was out of your control. 

[mossygirl333]

I wanna a Marble cake, a Sundae, and a Kool-Aid with Nikto please 🧎‍♀️‍➡️

An: ofc! (also I just got another porn star ask for Dean Winchester like an hour after yours, I thought it was hilarious) <3

also I tried a little bit new, so I hope I did a good job!

Bakery Order: Marble cake- “Pose for the camera.” + Sundae - “Don't you need the money?” + Kool-Aid- Virgin/inexperienced reader

Pornstar!Nikto x virgin!reader

Tw/Cw: recorded sex, protected p in v (wrap it before you tap it kiddos), mentions of STDS

SMUT UNDER THE CUT!!

Nikto couldn't get you out of his head after that night. It was stupid really, he's a pornstar, he's fucked countless women.

Outside of the military, he doesn't really talk to women. And your hands could only do so much. Porn was an escape, a side hustle, a distraction and a quick way to make a buck.

Not...this. Whatever this even meant.

You were new to the scene. You'd fucked only 2 people before them and not in porn. He was your "first" so to say. Taking your pornstar virginity, or whatever.

It was meant to be quick. Tested for STD's- negative. You were on birth control. He had a condom. The safeword was red.

But when he sunk in, it was different this time. You giggled, cheeks flushed, eyes bright as you started into his.

It was weird.

Who the hell laughs during sex? And why was it so charming. Every thrust, you giggled and held onto him. Sloppily making out with his mask, you even made him chuckle. The cameras weren't even there at this point.

It was just you and him, on this nice bed in some rich person hotel. Laughing like maniacs as you fucked each other. Hands on his face, your lips tasted like cherry, pulling up the bottom of his mask to get deeper.

He panicked, you didn't even seem to notice his scaring. Just replacing the mask and grinding up into him. His hands dug into your hair, felt the squish of your thighs against his sides, and he trembled.

It was so pleasurable. He's fucked rough and fast, spat in women's mouths and used them like toys but it is nothing compared to you.

Absolutely nothing. Nothing compared to that laugh, the way your head tilts back when you moaned, the smile permanently etched onto your face, the curve of your neck, the arch of your back, the taste of your lips and the smell of your hair.

He's dizzy thinking about it. And the way you looked when you orgasmed, he came too fast- probably ruined the production, but at that point he didn't care. Didn't care at all in that moment because all he could think of was them not being on set.

He could have that again. Have that sweet girl in his arms, never let her go down that path of porn, keep her with him.

He had to keep it that way. Had to keep her as his first. His. His. His. His. His.

It swam in his head, and before he could even process what he was doing, his laptop was cracked open. Sitting in the middle of his cramped military dorm, searching up your name on the porn website you use.

Only one video. Only one video, the one of him and you. How many times did he masturbate to it now? He can't remember. Too many times to count.

He needed to find you.

and quick.

[jellyfishsthings]

Request: Tyler Galpin x fem!reader

Plot: Reader is very affectionate, but gets touch-starved and will walk up to him randomly and pull him in for kisses.

Extra but more optional than the rest: one of them gets eager and leads the other into a make-out while he’s at work

oh my god!!! I love this and it works with batista AU Remus too

It had been a normal Friday. The summer break finally ally setting on their routines. No more school, no more work. Just lazy days for three months.

Yet that wasn't true for everyone. Your lively boyfriend instead of taking some time off or really just allow himself to relax, still worked at the local cafe. Sometimes staying there more hours than he had too. You were missing him terribly. You had been looking forward to these days all week. Planning and hoping to spend endless hours on the beach. Have small roadtrips in his truck. Just the two of you.

But he had to ruin your dreams once again. He was planning to work all summer, claiming that he needed the money if he was going to leave his home next year to go to college. It was all very reasonable too. What would you say to him? That you just had a concerning infuration with him and always wanted to be together. Or that you were scared that if you spent too much time he would quickly get bored of you and leave you. It was a horrible paradox that was eating you up. Logically that didn't make sense he was your boyfriend and you had been good friend way before that. He chose to be with you. He was happy. Wasn't he?

You were sitting at the counter behind the register. No really allowed to be back there but the owner just simply rolled his eyes, knowing that you were going to distract his best employee from his job. Your legs were swinging lightly as you thought, not noticing his concerned looks. He was an arm distance away from you and let you play with the strings of his apron or sometime tracing the lines in his fingers if there weren't any customers.

"What up with you?" He said as he stepped between your legs. Softly cradling your head in the palms of his hands and rubbing your noses together in an Eskimo kiss.

"Nothing." You whisper quietly.

"Oh really. Because you haven't kissed me once in over forty minutes. I am starting to worry. What happed to my girl hm?"

"Really it's nothing. Just get back to your work."

"Nah. You see this right here. This isn't right I demand my kisses."

"No."

"So now do you not want to kiss me? What's next are you not going to visit me at work?"

"I don't know."

"Alright. I'll bite. What happend?"

"I already told you nothing."

"So you just don't want to kiss me silly?" For the first time she looked into his eyes. They were kind and light and playful. You eyebrows scrunched up and your lips slightly pouted in an adorable frown. Your mind racing at fifteen different directions. You grabbed his shirt and planted your lips firmly against his. He huffed a laugh as he kissed you back. Your heart stopped racing and your mind calmed. Why? Why were you like this? Why did you have to always touch him in some way or claim kisses most of time?

"There she is. I was wondering if you were abducted by aliens." He said as he continued kissing you. You let out a wet laugh. His heart flattered at the sound of it. He wanted to make you happy, steal your laugh or record it so that he could listen to it again and again. He wasn't the most self confident person, but around you he felt enough. The way would always seek him in a room full of people, the way you hand fitting in his, the way you lips molded together, familiar with each other. He always craved your company. "Storage room?"

You nodded as you grabbed his arm and eagerly pushed him into the small room. Something you might have done more times than it was acceptable. He pushed you against the wall. His kiss demanding and asking for more. Your lips were puffy and stung, your lungs screaming for air and your head getting slightly dizzy. His hands firmly on your waist and your hair. Travelling beneath your shirt. He lowered his head to your neck, sucking on the already bruised skin there that was concilled with make up, but he didn't need to see were he had marked you. He knew it by heart.

Things were getting dangerous now as he slowly lifted your shirt. You were in his work for God's sake to visit him and jeep him company not jump his bones in a small closet that barely fitted you. It wasn't the fact that you hadn't had sex yet. You had and it was ... mind-blowing. And you weren't exposed to the public. You had a sliver of privacy.

Breathy moans filled his ears and missed the sound of a customer asking if there was someone on the store. He wanted to ignore it desperately. But he knew he couldn't. He needed to have his money, not for college as he had said to you. But to buy you that dress he had seen in a store on his way to work. He imagined it on you as you straddled him and bounced on his lap. He had to make that fantasy real or he was going to lose his mind.

He regretfully ended the kiss and placed his forehead on yours. You were both gasping for air trying to calm your bodies down. He wanted nothing more than to carry you to his truck and take you home and promptly spent the remaining day between your legs, on top of you, or underneath you. He didn't care he just wanted you. With a heavy sigh he kissed the crown of your head lightly and whispered "I have to go. We will finish this later."

The mischief that danced in his eyes had your heart racing at an impossible pace. He smirked at you as he left you in the small room to gather yourself before you eventually came to find him.

Because you always came to find him.

words: 1.012

[judesmoonbeauty]

The Past Records: Ellis & Jude Chapter 3

Fan translation only. Not 100% accurate. Please expect grammatical errors. Cybird owns everything. Feel free to re-blog, but please do NOT post my translations elsewhere. Also, feel free to ignore my random commentary.

Translation notes are marked with ***

Roger: A story I know, huh.

Harrison: I mean, why didn't you tell me you knew each other first?

Roger: You didn't ask.

Harrison: You......

Roger: Besides, we're not really close friends either.

Roger: As for whether those guys can be trusted, I can't say.

Harrison: So, how do you know each other?

Roger: Just as a doctor and a patient. Jude has weak bronchial tubes.

Roger: My dad's so good at what he does that sometimes he used to go over to my parent's house where he worked as a town doctor.

Roger: When he was a patient of my father's, well, I just knew him by his face.....

Roger: One night, he rolled in and said he'd been stabbed with a knife. Not to my dad, but to me.

Harrison: What were the details of the stabbing?

Roger: All he said was that, “I got stabbed because of a grudge.”

Flashback Begins -

Jude: I got what I deserved. I won't say anything more. Don't ask me again.

Roger: I see. I can't believe you're talking to me, and not my dad because you don't want this out in the open.

Jude: I thought you wanted a table to practice your techniques on.

Jude: You can practice without a medical license.

Jude: In return, I won't tell me how you treated me, so as not to ruin the reputation of your father's clinic.

Roger: Convenient for me and you, huh? Well, I suppose it is.

Ellis: Roger? Can you fix him?

Roger: Oh, don't worry. I'm quite skilled. I won't kill you.

Ellis: Thank God. I can't have him dying now.

Roger: What's with that talk? When can he die?

Ellis: Probably the happiest moment of his life......

Roger: Huh. With all this damage, it seems like that's going to be a long way off.

Jude: Hey, I'm pretty sure that's not where you should stick the needle, you Quack!

Flashback ends -

Harrison: You treated him before you got your medical license, huh?

Roger: Haha. It's too late for the statute of limitations now, right?

Harrison: What else do you know?

Roger: Oh? Yeah..... like how Jude gets up early in the morning, or how Ellis eats more than anything?

Harrison: Not about that.

Roger: Jude can drink at the same pace as me and not get crushed, but Ellis gets drunk rather easily.

Harrison: It's not like that either....I've got two more images in my head that I don't need to know.

Roger: As I said earlier, I'm not sure if they're trustworthy or not.

Roger: There's something those two are keeping from me too. It's like conducting research that costs a huge amount of money or something.

Roger: Well, regardless if you can trust them or not, I don't think they'll do anything halfheartedly.

Roger: Was that helpful? Harrison: Well, sort of. At least the information I got from you wasn't false.

Roger: Thank you.

Liam: I found you.

Harrison: Hmm...oh, Liam. How did you know I was here?

Liam: Will told me. Are you at the cafe to work on a review?

Harrison: If I'm in the castle, I'll be distracted by the report, so I had to change things up.

Liam: Haha, so if I report now, It'll just remind you.

Harrison: It's fine. I just lost my focus. Anyway, you called out to me didn't you?

Liam: So, what?

Liam: Well, then, be my guest. Let's see, first of all, the story I heard from Jude...

Liam: Is Jude a doctor? A scholar? He was enrolled in public school through the mediation of a doctor or a scholar!

Liam: Surprising, isn't it? It must have been absolutely hard to fit in with all those aristocratic kids. I'd like to see a little bit of that.

Liam: Next, what I heard from Ellis. Ellis said that he didn't go to school.

Liam: I heard his father was a church school teacher, but they split up a long time ago.

Liam: Oh, Ellis and I promised to go skating by the lake sometime.

Harrison: Heh, good for you.....I mean, how did you talk to those two? You haven't been at the castle for the last few days.

Liam: I followed them invisibly and followed them, investigating their actions and routes the last few days.

Liam: Or maybe we just happened to on the way home together? Harrison: I didn't realize you went that far....

Liam: I thought Harry would like it. The rest was simply my feline curiosity getting the better of me.

Liam: I followed them and talked to them directly, but I still can't trust them.

Liam: I feel like I'm missing something decisive here.

Harrison: That look on your face...you're up to something.

Liam: That's my bad friend! You're quick.

Liam: So, why don't we give the two of them a shot.

[Previous] [Next] [Master list]

[tobiasdrake]

Today's the day. To the House of Change.

It's exactly the size that I thought. You can see it from town, Isa. Pay attention to things.

Was that in doubt? Did we go on this entire quest to find the Orbs without anyone ever checking if the door is even locked?

There is a non-zero chance that we are all clowns. This does not bode well for our chances today.

It's a good thing that magical keys levitate because I do not envy our chances of physically reaching those upper locks.

In any case, no going back now.

Oh, so THAT'S a Sadness.

...is not a thing I should be saying this deep into our adventure but. Like. You don't understand. It was lemon-flavored. I accept the consequences of my possibly-hallucinatory actions.

I'm so fast, I've already thrown Scissors before anyone even thinks of throwing Rock.

...which. They then. Proceed to do.

...

I think I just figured out why I'm always the one on chore duty.

Unfair that she gets two different types but she is the Chosen One main character of our epic fantasy adventure. She gets Chosen One privileges.

You mean the fact that they're already throwing Scissors and we haven't even started attacking yet?

...

Oh, shit, does that mean they're faster than me? >_< Odile, this is your fault. You made us slow down. I need to hurry up and throw Scissors now!

Trick question. Nothing beats Scissors because it is the superior sign. Cuts through Paper. Cuts through Pillow. It would be weak to Rock but Rock has the Infatuated status ailment so it has a 50% chance of losing its turn each round.

Also the Chosen One is half-Scissors so. Like. Scissors's superiority is unmistakable.

That's honestly a good idea. Item Duty is perfect for the tagalong kid.

Nah, I get that. When I was younger, I'd drink bad coffee on purpose because that way the coffee would make me more alert. I don't do that anymore because life should be spent enjoying things, but the logic holds all the same.

Is it bad if this is my favorite thing of the items I've picked up in here? There are a lot of uses for going ding-ding. Entertainment. Distraction. Entertainment. Ruining stealth missions. And entertainment.

I have an established track record of putting questionable things in my mouth. She is right to fear me.

Hey, that would have worked if you hadn't stopped me! Guaranteed stat increases across the board with only a moderate chance of heart explosion.

So the group can't see the Star. Probably because they haven't ingested one, so they're not gifted with the same hallucinations that I am. Good to know.

Oh cool! Time to do my job as the Trap Pincushion. Here we go!

...

...

Well, here are the possibilities.

1 - There's no traps. 2 - The traps are so cleverly hidden that even my best Trapfinding rolls couldn't locate them. 3 - I'm so fast and so good at my job that I disarmed all of the traps before even I was able to notice.

Personally, I'm leaning towards Option 3. It's easily the most plausible, as well as a valuable reminder of the important assets I bring to this team.

Is it possible that somebody died here for reasons unrelated to traps, and it simply developed a reputation? Like, someone dropped dead of a heart attack or something? And they were just like, "Oh, don't go in there, that's the Death Corridor"?

It's cool. You can be a little high-strung but that's just part of your charm. Let's all just take this as a valuable lesson in not giving too much weight to eavesdropped rumors and--

NO FUCK YOU THAT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A PUN

Oh god, I died a clown.

[avalentina]

Which one of us were you reading about? ❤️‍🔥

Image not mine

Warnings: Smut, use of toys, MFM established relationship, dom/sub dynamics

Word Count: 683

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You were sprawled out face down on your shared Alaskan king size bed in your London flat reading a new smut fic for one of your two favorite boys. You heard the front door open and two sets of footsteps walk inside. A minute later they make their way upstairs and into the master suite.

“Have you been a good girl while we were at training baby?” Mason asks you, checking on the toys they filled you with before leaving this morning. “Oh, fuck, Chris, you've gotta come look at how wet our girl is.”

“Mostly.” You reply, your smile hidden in the pillow.

“So, which one of us were you reading about this time?” Christian asks and unlocks your phone. They both know how dirty you are and they also enjoy playing out some of those dirty scenes they catch you reading. “Dammit.” Chris adds and pulls out a hundred to hand to Mase along with your phone. Mason can't help but smirk as he reads a few lines of the smutty fanfic about him.

He coughs when he reads a few lines that sound almost exactly like what he did with you while Christian was back in the States on international break. It was the one perk of having picked up an injury as far as he was concerned. Of course he was doing light work and physio to help rehab it, but that was just a couple hours a day. At home there was a lot of cockwarming and somewhat gentle fucking to distract you from accomplishing anything even remotely productive.

“Something you wanna confess baby?” Mase asked you pointedly. “Or do I need to tell him?”

You rolled over, carefully keeping everything in place and sat up a bit. “It was supposed to be a present for his October friendlies, but fine make me ruin it why don't you.” You whine and pout. “I was writing a smutty piece that I was going to send you links to, a chapter for each day while you were away, I was even going to take a few pictures and make a couple recordings for you.” You explain to Christian, getting excited while talking about it, you had thought it was a great idea. A way to help him not miss you both so much. Because you and Mase both know Chris is a total secret teddy bear most of the time.

“Ssh baby, I still want it, I'll love it.” Chris says and kisses you, effectively shutting you up so you don't spoil too much of his international surprise that if the current state of his cock has any say in he'll be making full use of.

Mase uses the app on his phone to turn the dual stimulator on your pussy and clit to a medium strength and the vibrating butt plug to the lowest setting. They can sync up together so that the vibrations are opposite each other, making it feel like the vibrations almost slide through you before circling back around and repeating. Just working you up more and more, but not quite enough to make you come, leaving you teetering on the edge, just the way they want you.

The boys join you in bed, sandwiching you in between them, Chris on his favorite left side and Masey on the right. The boys look at each other for just a second before pulling your tits out and taking them in their mouths, biting and teasing your nipples.

"Fuck," you pant. Feeling as though your body is not your own, just an instrument of pure pleasure that your boys have perfected playing. "Masey please, I need to come, I've been so good for you both." You beg of the boy whose phone is currently controlling the toys.

"If we let you come are you going to let us fuck all of your pretty holes?" Mase asks you.

"Anything you both want, just please, please, please let me come." You cry out, the onslaught of pleasure so intense it's borderline painful.

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Hope you enjoyed! Feedback is appreciated!

-Ava

[vminjackbaddie]

Feeling Lucky

authors note: eye...haven't written a one shot in such a long time but his recent activity on ig has got me in shambles and I'd like the chance to try again. now forgive me because I've always written in first person but you can still pretend. also im super rusty so im sorry if this comes out cheesy lol I am not an expert for sure! lastly, please don't repost or claim as your own. I appreciate y'all pairing: female reader & jackson wang | 1st person word count: 3.4k+ summary: it's been a lot of trial and error: using dating apps in hopes you find a serious relationship and for the third time, you find yourself disappointed with someone, feeling cursed and very unlucky. to help get your mind off of things, you go visit your best friend at the bar with 0 intentions except to enjoy yourself until jackson walks in with his own group of friends. he's eyeing you, you're eyeing him but will either one of you make a move? or will you let your "cursed" theory ruin any chance with him? genre: mature | strangers to lovers au | angst | one shot | kinda soft | fluff warnings: 21+ ONLY! some cursing, making out, small mentions of heartbreak

“…and that’s exactly why I believe dogs are far superior to cats…”

He kept rambling, spewing nonsense. Is this really my life right now? How am I sitting here, listening to this man go on and on about why dogs are better than cats? Is this supposed to be life-changing information? Definitely not! And just for the record, cats are just as good—if not better.

To make matters worse, I wish I could say this was my first bad date in ages, but that would be a lie. A month ago, I signed up for a dating app, and while things started off strong, the past two weeks have led me to men with halitosis, nonstop misogynistic comments, and now this guy: a man who thinks his monologue is more interesting than asking about me.

Without hesitation, I pulled out my phone and decided to use the old bathroom excuse.

“Excuse me—sorry. Just give me a minute. I’ll be right back,” I said, trying not to trip over my heels as I pushed my chair back, ready to make my escape.

“Take your time! When you get back, we can talk about the ghost in my parents’ basement!” he shouted as I walked away.

I raised an eyebrow, knowing it was now or never. Ghosting isn’t my usual move, but it felt like my only option. Luckily, there was an exit door next to the women’s restroom, and I made a beeline for it. I attempted to call my best friend to fill her in on the disaster, but I reached her voicemail, followed by a quick text:

[Hey, I’m working. You okay?]

Ugh. I completely forgot she was on a shift at Oasis, a local bar. But that might not be a bad idea. I could definitely use some company and a distraction. I hopped into my car and rushed to get inside before he realized I wasn’t coming back, quickly texting her:

[Hiiii~ nvm! I’m coming by. See you soon!]

The message was brief, and as I sat at the first red light, I surprisingly didn’t feel guilty. Isn’t that awful? But honestly, while I felt bad about the first two dates, this third one confirmed that maybe my days with dating apps were over. I felt cursed—searching for real love for so long only to have every potential match turn sour as soon as we met. So tonight (and perhaps for the rest of my life), I decided to focus on enjoying myself.

Oasis wasn’t far. Within five minutes, I was in line to get in. While I waited, I noticed the coffee shop guy had bombarded me with at least eight messages, calling me every name in the book for bailing.

“Wow,” I muttered, scrolling through his barrage of insults.

“Looks like you dodged a bullet,” the bouncer said as I finally reached him.

“What? Oh yeah, he’s definitely a piece of work,” I replied, blocking his number while handing over my ID.

“You came to the right place.” He nodded as he returned my ID. While he recognized me from previous visits, I wasn’t in the mood to chat with another guy about my problems. I simply made my way to the bar.

“Danielle!” I called, spotting my best friend as I slid onto the first empty barstool. The bar wasn’t too crowded, but the dance floor was alive, and it felt great to soak in the energy after those awful messages.

“Another bad date?” she asked, handing me my favorite drink.

“Oh, it was so bad, Danielle! I just don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

“I don’t think it’s you. Sometimes men just suck, and dating app guys are a whole different level of awful,” she chuckled.

“I’m starting to think it might be time to give up.”

She sighed. “You always say that. But remember what I tell you: you’re more likely to find the right one when you’re not stuck playing 40 questions over a screen.”

She patted my hand for reassurance, and I felt a little lighter.

“Don’t beat yourself up—we’ve all been there. Just enjoy your drink.”

I nodded, acknowledging she was right.

“Okay, but no more than three drinks tonight. I don’t want you getting in trouble again for giving away too many free ones.”

We both laughed as I took a sip while she attended to the next guest.

About an hour later, I was on my third drink, and let me tell you, I was feeling it. “Slightly tipsy” was the best way to describe it, and I was really vibing with the music pouring from the speakers. However, I wasn’t much of a dancer. Sitting at the bar, swaying back and forth in my little bubble, felt just right. I could have kept it up all night, but then I heard an uproar from the dance floor.

Curious, I turned to see what all the commotion was about. Right in the center of the crowd was a group of guys dancing like nobody was watching, and they were good. But the one drawing everyone’s attention wasn’t the loudest or most flamboyant; instead, it was the guy making the subtlest moves. His presence alone was magnetic, giving him an air of mystery that was incredibly alluring.

I found myself standing up, inching closer to get a better view. I didn’t want to get too close—just close enough to appreciate his every move. But maybe that was the mistake, because as soon as I got within range, I was completely captivated. He wore all black: a fitted tank top, loose black pants, and sturdy boots. His shaggy hair was a striking lilac or lavender color, cascading over his forehead. It felt wrong, but the thought of getting his attention flickered in my mind. The only problem? I was supposed to be enjoying myself, not fantasizing about some guy.

“Y/N!” Danielle’s voice broke through my thoughts, and I turned to see her waving me over. That was my cue: stay away from him. After all, it was clear why there were at least ninety girls surrounding him—or so it seemed.

What I didn’t realize was that her shout had caught his attention too, because when I looked back just before walking away, we locked eyes.

“Oh god,” I mumbled to myself, quickly diverting my gaze as he flashed me a gentle smile. The only thing I could manage was a quick nod before I hurried back to the bar, eager to escape any further embarrassment.

“What were you doing over there?” Danielle asked as I settled back into my seat.

“Did you not see those guys? They were amazing!” I nearly pointed but caught a glimpse of him and his friends gathering at the other end of the bar.

“Those guys?” she asked, tilting her head in their direction. “Oh yeah, they’re here every Friday, or so.”

I rolled my eyes. “Of course.”

For some reason, that realization made him feel completely out of reach. I shouldn’t have even considered approaching him, but the thought lingered. Now, with him just ten feet away, it was impossible not to steal glances as I tried to finish what was left of my drink.

“Need another?” I heard a male voice say.

I looked over to find a glass of Hennessy right beside my hand. My gaze lifted to meet the exact guy from the dance floor, and I was shocked. Why was he talking to me? Where were his friends? Regardless, I needed to play it cool; I didn’t want to come off as desperate.

“No, I’m good,” I replied shortly. “This is my third one, anyway.” I barely made eye contact, taking another sip.

“Is that why you were almost on the dance floor?” he joked.

“Maybe. But how would you know?” I finally turned my body toward him.

He took a small sip of his drink. “I saw you—almost as soon as you walked up. I was waiting for you to join in.”

“I’m sure the other ninety women were more than enough for you,” I retorted.

“Damn. Don’t do that,” he said with a smirk.

“Don’t do what? Point out the obvious?” I chuckled. That’s when I really started to feel the liquid courage kicking in. To be honest, I had a lot of animosity toward men right now, and he was my first target. This could either go really well or extremely badly.

“I’m not just another girl for you to toy with, okay? You think I didn’t see all the smirking and body rolling on that dance floor? Keep it over there.” My finger landed on his chest. “And don’t bring your fuckboy act over here.”

He smirked again, taking another sip before resting his hand over my finger that was still resting on his chest. God, why was he so attractive? I’d said enough, so why couldn’t I just get up and leave?

“Let me be clear…” His voice was low and husky, and I barely noticed he had leaned in closer, making my hand rest against his chest. “If I had any intentions with the other women on that floor, or if I were the fuckboy you think I am, then why am I over here with you?”

His eyes searched mine as if trying to find something beyond the asshole persona I was attempting to project.

“Touche,” I responded, quickly pulling my hand back. I finished off my drink, trying to distract myself from getting lost in his gaze. “What’s your name?”

“Jackson,” he said with a smile, clearly pleased that I wasn’t trying to push him away any further. “And you?”

“Y/N,” I replied shyly, worried I might have ruined the rest of the conversation. Just then, another song played, and the crowd erupted again, making us both break our unannounced staring contest and look at the dance floor. The same guys he had arrived with were back out there, cutting loose. I noticed Jackson subtly mimicking their moves.

“You should join them!” I yelled over the music.

“Nah, it’s okay. I’d rather be dancing with someone else,” he said, slowly bringing his gaze back to me.

I rolled my eyes, smirking a little. “Could you be any more corny?”

“No,” he smirked, grabbing my hand and pulling me closer. We were chest to chest now, locked in each other's gaze. “But I’d like the chance to show you what I can do on the dance floor.”

I glanced back at Danielle, who had been watching the whole exchange. My expression should’ve been a dead giveaway for help, but instead, she winked at me. What the hell? She wasn’t helping at all.

“Come on,” he said, breaking our gaze and taking my hand. He led me to the dance floor. “I don’t expect anything more than for you to just feel the music.” He moonwalked to the center of the dance floor.

How could I possibly keep up with that? I barely had rhythm as it was, but that didn’t stop him from pulling me closer. The liquid courage needed to kick in any minute now because I had never been more nervous than I was at that moment.

He turned me around so that my back pressed against his chest, swaying slowly behind me, guiding my body to move in harmony with his. I felt as if I were in a trance, his hands exploring my waist in a way that was both respectful and undeniably sensual. His nose brushed against my hair, and I could feel my eyes fluttering shut, surrendering to his lead as I let the music envelop me. I placed my hands over his, turning my head slightly to bring his face closer to mine, anticipating the moment our lips might meet. But just then, the tempo of the music shifted, shattering the spell we were under. I smiled as we both paused, realizing that our moment had come to an end.

I turned to face him, and I noticed his friends slowly approaching from behind.

“Alright! We see you!” one of them called out.

“Get lost,” he replied, feigning annoyance, which made them all chuckle.

“Sorry, man! We were just about to grab another drink. You coming?”

He glanced back at me. “Yeah, actually. I’ll be right there.” They nodded and headed off, and he turned back to me.

“You know you don’t have to stick around. I wasn’t exactly nice to you a few minutes ago.”

He shrugged. “I can get drinks with them anytime.” He took my hand again and led me back to my original spot at the bar to order another drink. As we waited, he turned to look at me.

“But what was with all that attitude? Was it really just because of how you viewed me?”

I shook my head. “No... just... bad dates.”

He nodded slowly, as if he understood more than I realized.

“Men ain’t shit,” he started, his tone serious. “And I mean that. I don’t know what you’ve been through, and it’s really none of my business, but can I offer you some advice?”

“Sure,” I replied, still swaying to what we could hear of the music.

“Don’t assume every guy you meet is going to be like the last. I know that’s tough, but calling me a fuck boy was a bit much.” He whined playfully, laughter escaping him. “Though, I have to admit, it was pretty funny.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry... I really shouldn’t have said that—” Just then, my favorite song blared through the speakers. Tinashe’s “Nasty” filled the air, and the energy shifted.

“I LOVE THIS SONG!” I shouted, letting go and fully immersing myself in the music. Whatever liquid courage I had left finally surfaced, and I danced like I’d never danced before. I was so caught up in the moment that I didn’t even notice Danielle bringing him another drink; he simply stood there, a huge smirk on his face, watching me.

“Is somebody gonna match my freak...” I began to sing loudly, draping my arms over his neck and leaning in close, letting my hands glide slowly over his chest.

He watched intently as I continued belting out the lyrics. The way he sipped his Hennessy while keeping his gaze fixed on me made my stomach flip. Somehow, I managed to maintain my composure, still singing and letting my hands roam lower, tracing over his abdomen, which made his breath catch.

“Easy...” he murmured, and I couldn’t help but smirk. I had no idea what was happening, but I was enjoying every moment.

I leaned back into his space, my arm wrapped around his neck as the chorus looped again, the constant refrain of “I’ve been a nasty girl” echoing in my ears. I sang every word, body rolling against him while his free hand trailed down my side and rested at my waist. With his other hand, he finished his drink and set the glass down, then placed his palm at the small of my back.

We were mere inches apart; I could feel his breath against my lips, and it made me freeze as the music began to fade into the background. At that moment, I was intoxicated by his scent, and there was no way I could back down now. I’d been in his face for nearly three minutes, singing about being a nasty girl—what else could I expect?

“You singing all of that makes me want to do a lot more than just dance with you...” he whispered. “But that would be disrespectful on our first meeting.”

Good god. At this point, he could have done anything to me; a man who shows respect is the sexiest thing a girl could ask for.

“Then what can you do that wouldn’t be ‘disrespectful’?”

I knew I was asking for it, but I couldn’t help myself. At this rate, I wanted him to make a move.

He chuckled softly, brushing his nose against mine as our faces inched closer together. One hand cupped my face, while the other rested on my hip. I felt his body draw nearer, moving slightly as the music began to swell again, creating a bubble around just the two of us. I slowly closed my eyes, fully aware of what was about to happen. The build-up was intoxicating. I could have closed the distance myself, but something urged me to savor the moment. He began to turn my body until my back was against a wall, his hands landing on either side of me, brushing his lips against mine. When I opened my eyes, I saw him glancing between my eyes and my mouth, so close I could nearly taste him.

My hands moved to cup his neck as we tilted our heads, our lips nearly meeting once more. He was teasing me mercilessly, and damn, was he good at it.

“May I?” he asked, brushing his nose against mine again. There he went again with that respect.

“Please,” I nearly begged, and he slowly closed the gap between us, finally kissing me after what felt like an eternity of anticipation.

Our lips moved in perfect harmony, just like how we danced. His hands slid from the bar back around my waist, while mine fumbled to find their place. I felt most at ease tangling one hand in his hair while the other rested at his side. The kiss deepened as our tongues battled for dominance, making me want to nibble at his bottom lip to tease him even more. But just like that, it was over. He pulled away, leaving me craving more.

We were both breathless, but it was more than worth it. I even heard Danielle cheering quietly behind me, which made us glance at her and shake our heads in amusement.

“I’m sorry. If I’d kept going—”

I raised a finger to his lips. “It’s fine,” I smiled. “There’s always next time.”

He nodded. “I hope it made your night a little better.”

His smile was enchanting, and I could tell he genuinely meant it, which made me feel incredible.

“Mission accomplished.” I gave him a quick peck. “Now, stay in touch.”

“Wait. You’re leaving?” he frowned.

“No!” I laughed. “Danielle’s my ride home since I’ve had a couple of drinks.”

“Smart. I like it,” he teased, locking his gaze with mine again. “Care to dance once more before the night ends?”

“Are you sure you don’t want to get back to your boys?” I asked, noticing them still on the dance floor.

“Look, those are my best friends. I can dance, drink, and whatever else with them anytime,” he assured me. “They’ll understand if I keep dancing with you. And while this may be our last dance tonight, I hope to see you again, outside of this bar.”

I felt a blush creeping up my cheeks. Who would have thought one bad night would turn into something so lucky?

“Deal,” was all I could think to say before he pulled me back out to the dance floor, where we danced until the sun rose.

[beevean]

I think the reason I keep getting distracted to write short one-shots is that at least the input (effort) equals the output (feedback).

It's one thing when something I wrote in 20 minutes, or even a few days, gets little to no attention: it's the equivalent of venting, who cares. It's another, and much more soul-crushing, when it takes me weeks to write a piece of a chapter, and I get ignored.

I think that in this sense, art is more convenient. It takes effort, absolutely, but at least I can imagine people look at it, even if they don't say anything. Writing gets glossed over because it requires effort to write, and why would you put any effort in reading something you don't care about? I'm not fishing for attention, far from it, I understand.

Art can also be doodling without any context, which is far less taxing on the brain than coming up with a story no matter how simple. This is something that weighs on me with art trades. Alas, I'm far from the level of being able to show my art. Maybe one day.

This is also why I swing between "everything must be perfect and you must waste minutes just to choose the right word, otherwise you're just stagnating and wasting your time" and "just write shit, it's not like anyone else will care, at least you can get it done - besides, you're nowhere near as good as you believe, stop thinking you have high standards to uphold".

But I can't let go. I can't lower my arrogant standards that low. There is only one person that needs to like my writing, and that is me. If I don't like re-reading what I wasted so much time on, why am I even here?

And this is the reason I keep yelling into the void. Because my brain might be scared of opening a doc, because I'm fully aware that it's nothing productive, but I do have fun in choosing the right words and metaphors and ways to subtly imply details, even if I think the end result is mediocre. I have fun playing games with the language, and I have fun dissecting a character on the operation table lol.

So yeah, writing is a thankless job, but I'm too deep into this to be stopped by loneliness.

It's kind of like bench pressing. No one cares about it, because c'mon, a woman lifting weights? You're just ruining your body. But I find satisfaction in improving my record and learning new techniques.

[pinkjanu]

FOREVER YOUNG

TW: SH, CURSE WORDS,SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND SUICIDE

best to read in dark mode

" 13.. 14... 15.. 16" I count my newly made cuts one by one on my left arm. Every cut I touch, every cut I run my fingers up and down on, gives me a mixture of pain and sadness. Every scars of mine were done differently; One, created with love, the other created with all the pain I've bottled up inside me, and the last, created with mixed envy and jealousy. Despite their differences, all of them compliment each other, if one goes missing it would look empty and incomplete.

"18.. 19.. aaandd.. 20!" A celebratory smile engulfs my face, the counting has come to an end. 20 cuts, huh? Considering that it was all done on one arm, that sets a new record.

Why am I counting, you ask?

Well, it's never really been easy to swallow or accept what I've been doing to myself. So, I made a little game where my cuts need to be in a certain number in order for me to win, I made it to make self-harming a little less lonely and painful than it is. If I win, I win. If I lose, I lose. It's as simple as that, I don't really have any punishments or rewards for myself, just getting the scars alone feels more like a reward than a punishment.

"Hey google, give me a random number between 1 and 20" I say.

"Here's a random number, 7."

I groan "Not even close.." I guess luck isn't on my side today.

I looked at my cuts again, I felt a wave of guilt pass through my body, I tried to hold back the tears that desperately want to break free, But my body didn't cooperate. Wet tears started to stream down my cheeks, choking on my own tears, I cry out of pain. I try to wipe my face on my sleeves as an attempt to stop it ,but, I failed. Why do I keep tearing up whenever I look at them? Is it because they're too pretty? or is it because I ruined my skin once again?

Memories started to replay in my mind, taking me back to the moments where I was the happiest person on earth. Skin untouched by blades, eyes filled with nothing but happiness, and all positive types of laughs and giggles leaving my mouth.

Why can't I just stay like that? Why do we only get to experience real happiness in such a short period of time? I want to go back to the times where my innocence and sanity were still kept intact, is that too hard to wish for?

...

If I maybe.. disappear, will I get reincarnated and be able to live a happy life and experience the happiness that I felt before? or will I see nothing but... darkness?

That thought alone triggers a panic attack inside me, only seeing black after death...? I shivered just from thinking about it.

But then again, it's better than staying in the environment I'm in, any longer.

Thinking about death distracted and scared me so much that I didn't even notice my left hand moving on its own and picking up my blue cutter. I guess I'll be adding more, huh?

"Fuck.." I mutter, pain wrapping around my whole right arm as I slit a line near my elbow, not even a minute has passed and crimson red blood started to drip down from the wound to my right thigh. I felt a sharp pain as I touch it.. and it only made me want to go deeper. I cut another line next to it, this time it's even deeper. With just two cuts on my right arm, more heavy tears started to stream from my eyes then down to my cheeks.

It hurts.

cut

fuck

cut

please

cut

it hurts..

cut

I can't do this

cut

please stop!..

Despite those screaming thoughts demanding for me to stop, I still kept on going, I'm not stopping until I get my arm covered in blood. My blood.

cut

"FUCK!" I went too deep.

"fucking hell!" I cry in pain as I felt the wound expand. I'm bleeding...a lot. A fucking lot.

"Is that a fucking vein?!" Panic rushed through my body, it's beating. One wrong move and I'll..die.

.....

Death! Was that not what I was rooting for ever since I've been doing this? Now is the perfect time.. But.. I'm scared.

I.. I don't want to leave everything behind... I.. want to keep living?

"Why?" A voice in my head appears. "Why do you still want to stay after all you've been through?" oh. "Don't you remember how 'they' ruined you?" I do. "Then why do you want to stay?" Because despite everything that happened to me, I still had fun. Even if I lost my innocence at a very young age, I still had lots of fun. Every breakdown I had, I enjoyed every last bit of it.

"But it's time to rest." Rest? haven't done that in years.

"That's why you should do it right now." What?

"You're sick of everything, right? You want it to end." Of course I do.

"Then give up." ....

"You were waiting for someone to say that to you, right?" I-

"Give up. You have had enough."

Wait

"You don't deserve to live."

......

"Don't you get it? The reason why they treat you like this is because they want you gone."

"Open your fucking eyes."

...

....

.....

......

.......

"Give up.." I mutter.

"what?"

"I give up." I mutter my last words, moving the blade closer to my open wound.

cut

"Goodnight" Was the last thing I heard.

I'm finally free.

Oh, and i forgot one thing.

Happy 13th birthday to me ;)

Cyclamen; Resignation, Diffidence and Goodbye.

Hope you guys liked this one! I apologize if there are any grammatical errors that you saw, please let me know if there are any! I've read and corrected this story a thousand times already and I sure do hope there aren't any mistakes.

[the-white-soul]

That's better. Compliance is a good look on you.

*Flowey teases, knowing they've got Jack wrapped around their finger. He's not entirely sure where they're going himself, so he just lets Frisk take the lead.*

*He won't ask aloud since Jack is here, but wonders: Are they actually going to bring him to Chara? Or simply to the closest isolated area to kill him? He wonders how long it would take for Jack to realize he's been duped, if at all. He wonders if those once under Jack’s authority would change their minds about monsters. He wonders what thing Chara gave Frisk.*

*He wonders if he'll get to stain his vines with Jack’s blood again.*

*He wonders if they'll get to prolong his gruesome death, and if they should record it for Chara to watch over and over and over.*

*He wonders if he can break him down more than before.*

*He wonders if he could force Jack’s mind into a fresh set of perfect beliefs before splattering his brains from his skull so he wont need them anymore.*

*Flowey snaps out of his rather macabre daydream to find they've already been walking for a good distance.*

(sorry there's not much content for the characters to react to. Really the only thing noticeable from a character’s POV is Flowey staring hazily in Jack’s direction for an excessive amount of time. I just don't know what else to write besides thoughts because you're the one who has the plan of progression.)

(Jack) "What do you even want as a ransom?"

(Frisk) "Maybe you could release Asgore."

(Jack) "No."

(Frisk) "What the fuck's the matter with you? You care more about Asgore dying than your own child?"

(Jack) "If she died now, her sacrifice wouldn't be in vain. She'd inspire the movement against you filthy monster everywhere! I'd rather see her dead than live in whatever apocalyptic hell hole you monsters would make."

(Frisk) "If you care about them why did you SA them?"

(Jack) "I did no such thing! Stop trying to ruin my image."

(Frisk) "Can you say one thing that's the truth in your entire life!!!"

(Jack) "I'm telling the truth right now!"

(Frisk) "*Kept on walking until they were near MT Ebbot* Here we are."

(Jack) "So where is she?"

(Frisk) "I don't know! Where could they be?"

(Jack) "So this was a trick! Of course, it was! I just hope you don't mind that I brought a few people just in case of this happening. *100 soldiers came all around MT. Ebbot surrounding them."

(Frisk) "*Whispers to Flowey* Now's your chance. Try to distract the other army men. I'll go finish Jack. If we don't make it out alive please know that while our time together was short it was the time of my life. Go give them hell!"

[unmeiokaemasu]

beat new mystery

no strong feelings, but I like recording my impressions after beating another fe game, so here we go

I went in fully expecting to hate the player avatar, but honestly I liked Kris and I liked Katarina and the whole assassin plot thing. I understand if you liked am earlier iteration of this story, and even I could tell Kris's parts were ungracefully inserted into an otherwise complete story, but since I've played all the GBA FE games, the main story otherwise feels like a less interesting version of those. I know that's not fair since it came first, and maybe the earlier versions tell the story better, I have no idea, but anyway, I liked Kris both as a unit and as a character. I liked their personality in the base conversations (getting exasperated with Xane and calling out Michalis being a broody coward were two of my favorites) and I wonder if it changes at all if you pick different background options (I picked "child of a farmer" or whatever that one was). Heck, I might even replay it to pick different options.

The one thing that was as annoying as I thought it would be was all the characters saying how wonderful and special and good at everything the player character was, but it didn't ruin anything for me.

The base conversations made me rotate who I deployed more than I thought I would, since you were guaranteed to get a support conversation with Kris. It made me pick the sequel characters more than Shadow Dragon characters, although now I might like to go back and pick some of them.

idk. I may or may not do that. it was probably a little too meh for that.

Anyway now I should finish Shadow Dragon...I've got like two chapters left or something. After that Valentia...ugh. I got to the same point I got to in my first playthrough of that before stalling out, because I couldn't advance on Celica's side and either needed to grind more or strategize better, and....hhhhrrrrgh. idk. I can't get into it. But I really want to finally finish it.

I have a barely started Radiant Dawn run languishing somewhere, which I started with the data from my most recent Path of Radiance run. When I loaded it, it was the second part of a multi-part chapter, my units were weak and in bad shape, there was some sort of time pressure with reinforcements, and I did really badly and wasn't sure if I should restart or not. -_- It's always hard for me picking up and old playthrough, but. MAN do I not want to play the beginning RD chapters again.

So there's those three, and then there's the Jugdral games. We'll see which I put off the longest. But the fact that after all this time I STILL have Fire Emblem games that I can beat for the first time is pretty cool.

Oh yeah btw my switch is dead...so I don't have the distraction of working on my various Three Houses runs to keep me from the older games. (I had a playthrough for each house on each difficulty going simultaneously. The only beaten one was hard mode Azure Moon. I was really focusing on trying maddening mode runs, but I was super stalled out on each of those.)

[attorney-anon-offtopic]

Flare Audio Calmer vs. Loop Quiet

I’ve been experimenting with earplugs. The two I’ve tried are the Calmer earplugs made by Flare Audio, and the Quiet earplugs made by Loop. For the record, no one paid me for this - I got the Calmer earplugs as a gift, and bought the Quiet with my own money, so this is entirely my own opinion.

About Me:

Before I get into the comparison, just to give an overview of me/my needs/what I was looking for and prioritizing:

I’m a family law attorney, who was diagnosed with autism a couple months ago. The majority of the time, the biggest presentation of my autism is sensory; relevantly, I have a lot of issues with loud (and especially sudden loud) noises, which often make me feel physically ill for a few minutes afterwards

I'm easily startled by sudden increases in volume; I struggle quite a bit to regain focus when I’m startled.

Stress (like working in family law) makes my sensory issues noticeably worse.

Because I’m part of a firm, rather than a solo practitioner, it’s helpful for me to be able to understand someone speaking to me even before I can get my earplugs out, because I don't always notice someone walking in my office door.

I also have a social circle that occasionally results in me winding up in places I wouldn’t necessarily go on my own, such as arcades or children's event centers.

At my new workplace, I share a wall with a mediator (not a member of my firm) whose mediation style involves a lot of yelling. Spending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week trying to cope with this has made my noise sensitivity quite a bit worse, both at work and away from the office.

Calmer by Flare Audio

The most immediate, best thing I can say about the Calmer earplugs is that they are the most comfortable earplugs I've ever worn. I regularly forget I have these in when I'm wearing them.

These also don't impede conversation at all; that's likely due to their open design, because they don't really quiet much noise at all - they just make otherwise-exasperating noises a little more tolerable. I suspect that their design also prevents any occlusion effects; I don't hear

As far as sudden loud noises go, they still startle me, but not as bad. When the mediator next door starts shouting, I find that it's easier for me to get back on task, and the effect it has on my mood is far shorter-lived.

I find that this is my earplug of choice for most restaurants as well, because they lower my noise-related stress levels without interfering with me listening to the conversation at my table. The other unexpected benefit is that these do stop me from getting as distracted by "white noise" sources, like fans or appliances - which helps when I'm trying to order at the cafeteria in my office building. I can't quite pinpoint what exactly they're doing here, because I can still hear those noises, I just focus on people's voices a little more readily.

The downside, of course, is that they don't quiet much noise at all. For louder settings (like arcades), I find that they don't quite cut it - they might stop me from having a complete meltdown, but I'm not "comfortable" with the noise level by any stretch.

The other thing that I run into with these is that, after several hours of wear, these make my ear canals itchy. I can usually deal with the itchiness by just taking them out, wiping them off, and flushing out my ears with a little bit of cold water, so it's not day-ruining by any stretch of the imagination, but it's a thing. I also find that they trap a little bit of earwax on the inside, which can be a pain to clean.

Also, Flare sells little keychain capsules to hold these. That's great and all, but I should warn you that the capsule is made entirely of metal except for a little rubber o-ring. If the sound of metal on metal makes your skin crawl, maybe look elsewhere for a case.

Loop Quiet

Ooooh man, these make things quiet, alright. If I have these in, the mediator can yell as much as he wants and it's not going to startle or disrupt me. I can barely hear myself type when I'm wearing these. They're perfect for when I've already reached the point of overstimulation and I just need the world to shut up for five seconds.

They're not exactly earplugs I would hold a conversation in, personally - I have trouble regulating my own volume when I have them in. But, I can usually make out the words of people talking directly to me before I take them out, which saves me from having to ask anyone to repeat themselves.

They're also pretty comfy; I definitely notice I have them in, but they don't make my ears itch the way the Calmer earplugs do. They're a bit harder to clean because they're two pieces (the tips come off of the base), but they also don't appear to attract as much ear wax as the Calmer earplugs.

I'm also a fan of the case - it's plastic, not metal, which is good for my particular noise preferences, and it stays closed reasonably well for being a snap closure instead of a screw-top.

For louder environments, these are the BOMB. I took them to an arcade recently and was able to quiet things down enough to zen out at one of the machines. It also made hearing people who were talking to me easier, as they muffled the noise from the machines so that the voices were easier to pick out.

The only real downside to these earplugs is the occlusion effect. For me, personally, it's not too bad if I'm just sitting still and working, but it is somewhat distracting if I'm eating or moving around (even just walking).

My Preferences

Somewhat predictably, these are two very different earplugs for two very different situations, and personally, it helps me to have both in my arsenal. Right now, I have both of them clipped onto the same keyring as my AirPod Pros, and I switch between them throughout the day as needed.

I've ordered a set of Loop Experience earplugs; my hope is that they'll provide a middle ground between the two, but we'll see how that goes.

[lurasposts]

adhd can be ignored (not really, actually) until you're forgetting some VERY important things. like completely erased it from your damn memory, like some incomplete camera frames. you can't be sure of anything.

it's like.. when faced with something even remotely "serious" or "formal" or public you just kind of let your body went on autopilot without realizing, while your mind either keep buzzing noisily OR some strange silence where you can't take in anything in front of you. or keep thinking about something unrelated to the "serious" thing that is currently happening in the present, which make you forget EVERYTHING. and then you looked back, messed up, and then everyone asking "how could you forget such important things? it was supposed to be obvious." and you wouldn't have a damn clue WHY

because– I don't know? i can't control this, either. what the hell am i supposed to do then? I'll keep messing up on things I'm SUPPOSED to be paying attention on, but i just? forget? and no one will get it and you just make a fool out of yourself.

it's like you were not yourself at that moment and looking back is like trying to press play on an old broken recording with blank scenes in the middle (in the most important part)

it's as if you were in an adrenaline rush or something where you need to FOCUS you told yourself to do everything correctly and normally, but that is exactly what makes you do the opposite. I'm trying to be calm when i was not calm, i tried to stop moving, but the price of it is that i lost in my head, to distract myself, or to stop, or try to "look" like i have it together, to look like i was listening, to look like i was paying attention. masking. but it just builds up in my head? and reality pulls me back out and that's when i cannot remember most of the things i just did during that "trance" and how the hell am i supposed to explain all of this to a normal person?

one of the most frustrating parts about this is that i can't really say anything about it, I'm suck at explain things, and people won't get it, which is fair, because i couldn't understand how "normal" people's brain work either. but this shit is running and ruining my life at the same time and i need to talk to somebody about this but I can't. they'd just dismissed it as nothing. that it isn't real. nothing is ever real. i look "too normal" to be in the spectrum, I'm an adult now, and the mask is slipping. it keeps slipping but no one believes you because you were "normal" as a kid. but who's to say to that? i was just trying to fit in, copying what people did, trying to look normal (which failed miserably since I only managed to look oddly repressed and impossibly restrained instead of actually fitting in), and on the other hand i also don't have proof that any of this is real. what if i just making things up? i know at this point that everything is real for me, but is something really happening of no one knows about it? the tree is not falling if nobody could hear or see it. i could go to a basic psychiatrist or therapist, but they don't get it. they don't connect the dots. they keep treating me like I'm a kid for some reason. it makes me wonder if it's me who can't think, or if it's them.

anyways i just. i have no idea what to do. this is beyond my control. this is an illness. I'm literally sick and i need meds in order to live like a normal person, like it's my life support. but they opposed the idea of psychiatrist bc "it made you addicted" and psychiatrist in this country really don't give a fuck, they strictly just give you meds and then bye. but what if i NEED 'em drugs like a freaking life support? to fix my screwed up nervous system or something in my brain or something. what if i was just wired differently which is very real and significantly makes life more difficult than normal people, and it was not unlike a disability albeit not physical. but no one can see it what is real and what's not? am i exaggerating? am i being overdramatic? am i old enough and i should just suck it up and get my life together?

but what if I'm just PHYSICALLY unable to? cuz sometimes i feel like i have no control over my own body. like my head, mouth, hands, and feet are separate entities and "I" just watch them all dragging my life downhill from the bylines, aware but not in control? (and sometimes not even aware of what i was doing until i get out of my head)

then what?

I'm so jealous of people who have access to be able to 'fix' or at least managed it. this shit gnaw on your damn soul.

[vincord]

5 12 and 35 for the artist ask game!

yaaaay more questions!! and sorry for the late response. ___

5. how would you describe your art style?

Already answered it here ^^ ___

12. describe your process while drawing

Usually it's constant nerves and a few hours spent just in front of an empty open file, because most often, even if I have an idea/ image in my head, it seems to me in advance that I won't succeed and I'll ruin everything, and then why even start.

I also often get distracted by social media or watching some random videos, I can just mindlessly switch between tabs on my laptop or walk around the room back and forth. I get distracted by games, I get distracted by toys, I get distracted by any random object that catches my eye. Therefore, it may take 4-5 hours, and at the same time I drew only a couple of sketch lines.

From time to time I record a speedpaint so that at least something keeps my attention on the drawing (like, "oh no, people are looking at me. I can't get distracted and I have to show that I'm really drawing.")

Sometimes it's tears, sometimes it's anger, sometimes it's the eternal transfer of art to the trashcan and back from the trashcan and back to the trashcan and back from and.

If we talk about the drawing process itself, then I usually do a primary sketch first to outline the main idea. Then I make another sketch the next layer, but more elaborate to indicate the details and so on. Then there are the lineart. After that, I make the main color for each detail in a separate layer and shading over everything on the same separate layers, after which I combine everything into one layer. After that, I add the effects. It happens that I add details, such as hairs, on top of the finished art.

For example:

Clear lineart is rarely saved anywhere, because, as I wrote earlier, at the end of the work I combine all the layers into one.

Sometimes I also draw an approximate arrangement of shadows. But this rarely happens.

If we talk about the art that I draw in another art program, then I draw everything there without sketches and on one layer. Just the way the hand goes. No difficulties with layers, details and a bunch of everything. Like

___

35. if you had one piece of advice to give your younger artist self, what would it be?

Never start drawing.

I remember as a child looking with big eyes at all these popular artists, whose audience was tens of thousands of people, and dreaming of becoming like them. I guess I just didn't get into the most successful era of the Internet, where my drawings were ridiculed by various people for a long time, including my loved ones, and my parents saw it as either a useless activity and "draw me a picture for free, otherwise I'll take all your gadgets and beat you," or they considered me as a bag of money that will make them rich.

As a result, drawing, I think, brought me more pain and unpleasant things than good emotions. Plus, all my life I've been doing is studying at art schools and colleges, where there's just an incredible race in terms of the number of works and their quality. And this further fuels my dislike of what I do.

I mean, I'm really glad that my art evokes emotions in people and in recent years, pleasant comments have finally begun to outweigh the negative ones. I've written about it enough times already and it's still true. But I guess I would just like to have as little of this negativity as possible.

I have a difficult relationship with drawing. So I don't even know what else I could say to my little version. Don't look at popular and cool artists as gods?? Yes, this, in general, can be recommended to absolutely everyone.

[elibabayblog]

You get jealous

I grabbed my cluch as Thomas peaked into the room to see if I was done.

"Wow, y/n you look amazing." He says as he couldn't keep his eyes off your dress.

"Thank you, you don't look to bad yourself." You say as he grabs your waist and pulls you closer and kisses your lips.

"Come on or we're going to be late." He says pulling away from you.

You locked your arms around his neck and pulled him closer.

"Are you sure we can't stay home, just this once?" You question him looking at his crystal clear blue eyes.

"No we can't, our fans are counting on us." He says kissing your lips one more time, as he has to tear himself away from your grasp.

"Aww fine but I'm gonna get a piece of you when we get back home." You say grabbing him by his collar and kissing him one last time before you head out the door.

As you pull up to the red carpet, you see Tom's ex Taylor by you ignore her determined not to fight this hoe tonight.

Tom senses your discomfort and pulls you closer to him and he whispers something that eases your nerves that time. You and Tom separate as your fans are on the opposite side from his. You keep eye-fucking him as you talk to your fans and take pictures with them. You watch as Taylor moves closer towards you, not understanding that her fans were far, far away from you.

"Well, well, well, look at what we have here-"

"The bitch with the lamest hate comments ever." You say cutting her off.

Your fans watch closely knowing that you and Taylor had beef with each other after she declared that Thomas cheated on her. You went to her face instead of social media where you would be 'hiding' and you told her that she was a rude bitch that have to put other people down in order to succeed, in lifting herself up.

"Whatever, just know that tonight Thomas will want me before he wants you."

"Ha ha ha bitch yo nasty, ass thought." You say laughing with your fans as they recorded you and her.

Thomas watched from afar and wondered what was his ex-girlfriend and current wife doing talking to each other. Tom sprinted towards the situation when he noticed your face, and he tried to diffuse the situation. He grabbed you before you could do something.

"Bitch keep fucking talking, I will snatch you bald." Your fans cheered at what you said, as Tom grabbed you by your waist and your arms.

"Tom please let me stomp this motherfucker into the ground."

"No, no, I can't watch you ruin your career when you could have waited to fight her."

"Fine ill be professional for now but if she te-"

"She won't tell you anything I will be next to you at all times."

He wasn't kidding since the event outside died down, he had never left your side. He walked with you in his arms everywhere.

"Thomas hold on, I have to run to the little girls room."

"Okay, I will be here waiting for you with a lonely heart until you return." He says as you walk off your hand slipping out of his.

You finally finish in the restroom and you walk out and fucking Taylor's all over Tom and you could tell he was uncomfortable.

'This bitch... the fucking nerve of this hoe. Let me calm down I look too cute to fight tonight. Oh no no no, this bitch is trying me. Nah not tonight Taylor.' You think.

You walk up to her and yank her hair.

"Bitch I gave you the benefit of the doubt the first fucking time. Now keep your stank ass hands off MY man, unless you want those bitches broken." She walked off and never looked back.

Tom pulled you onto his lap.

"Jealous much?" He asked smiling.

"Yes, what's mine is mine and I don't share with anyone. ANYONE." You say to him.

He chuckles and kisses your face all over.

"I love you so much." He says putting his head onto your shoulder.

"I love you too, much more than you love me." You say kissing his forehead and enjoying the rest of your night without distractions.

[sklives]

Well, I have already shared here some posts about Sakura and how flimsy she is for team seven and how distant she is from Naruto and Sasuke potential like this one.

My objective here isn't call her useless or something like that, because Kishi show us that Sakura had talent with medical ninjutsu and chakra control, but he has showed too that she hadn't any kind of weight in the battlefield, that she always needed someones help to do something and that at the end of her moments in the war when she finally got byakugou, she still a step back from Naruto and Sasuke. Kishi shows us that herself realizes the difference has grown even more and more...

And worst: that she didn't surpass Tsunade like everyone says she did.

And is simple...

The fact that she couldn't make any difference in the fight against Madara like Tsunade had... many will say: aah but madara was on another level and Sakura just wanted to create a distraction.

Okay, but the fact that he was on another level also shows such a difference between her and Tsunade.

Why? Because if it was Tsunade instead of Sakura, I believe she wouldn't be able to do anything against Madara either... And why do I say that?

As the main character and disciple of a Sannin it was expected that Sakura would exceed and surpass her master just like Sasuke and Naruto did, but Kishimoto didn't show us this as it should be... on the contrary, *he gave Tsunade's powers to Sakura, but he didn't create the character's originality* as he did for Sasuke and Naruto and at the end of the war he would also give to Kakashi too.

It's hard to know if Sakura could against Madara instead of Tsunade, but the point that draws attention in this specific chapter where she tries to attack Madara is that unlike Tsunade, Kishimoto didn't give Sakura any grandeur that would mark her presence and that it was clear from Madara's reactions.

Even though during his entire battle against the kages Madara just took easy with them, all the time he showed surprise and recognized Tsunade's powers and that didn't happen to Sakura precisely because he had already seen it....

So what I want to say is that Sakura couldn't achieve anything than Tsunade's abilities like the medical ninjutsu and the byakugou seal... But the skills, courage and autonomy on the battlefield, Sakura never showed on her own.

And seriously, for me this HERE... This is dignified. Tsunade supported the Kages, fought by they side in a great team work and finally, kicked some susanoo's ass and she even teased Madara.

Anyways. Anyways. As much as Kishimoto writes in those databooks that Sakura surpassed Tsunade (this may have happened in the blank period or just in terms of medical ninjutsu) even in Boruto Sakura doesn't seems to have a role that goes beyond her duties as a doctor.

Particularly I don't read boruto, but I follow a girl who reads and she posted that Ino is having more importance than the main character herself.

Something very interesting that I came to realize after reading this analysis is the difference between the other teams and team 07, because team 7, in fact, as a team, never existed... It's always about Naruto and Sasuke and that makes Sakura's image and development worse and worse because she's always been running after Sasuke and always depending on Naruto in some way... The most frustrating thing for me was when Team 7 finally got together in the war so we didn't get any action scenes from them together... but no, we got a cliché scene of the sannins invocations and then Sasuke and Naruto went to one side and Sakura went to another to heal the shinobi alliance. And in the last arc everything went downhill.

We can see it from that side after all... How ruined was Sakura's development as a character and as a kunouchi in regards to the importance of the Story created about Naruto and Sasuke so their relationship rather than Team Seven as a whole.

WELL.

I want to record here that I'm not in any way discrediting the character, she was crucial at certain points in the story, but what makes me sad/angry/revolted is the lack of inspiration and creativity with which Kishimoto treated the main character and although she passes a cool message that with effort and dedication anyone can become someone great, this originality in itself already belongs to rock lee since the classic. She had her moments, but I feel like other female characters would have served better as a main character and that saddens me.