#the older the tech is the more cursed dark magic it accumulates

[aalt-ctrl-del]

my desktop computer is kind of old, not ancient from the era of BC but it has years on it and now it’s doing it’s dramatic “End of the semester dying” so right now it’s hard to access crucial programs, websites, tabs, the whole kit.

I won’t even turn it over to sleep mode, because it started having a conniption every time I booted up. Why is this a seasonal thing? Why not mid-break, where I can “Oh, I need to use that expensive warranty to fix some shit up.”

nope. End. Of. Semester. B. S.

And my Laptop! Lemme tell you ‘bout the laptop. It was used to stream the crucifixion of Christ (praise he the lord amen), it is blessed. IT IS GODDAMN ARCHAIC. It was touched by Windows Vista. Dinosaurs built it when the aliens came to share their technology before the Mayan temples got built. I can do almost anything on that thing, I don’t even. I tossed it out a window one time, and all I got out of that was a lawsuit and a long ass research report.

I was attending meeting for a festival preparation, and every damn time they asked me to do something, I went “Well, my laptops ancient. I don’t know - Oh, it worked. That’s terrifying.” It works to spite the fact I doubt it’s power.

And the Laptop is omniscient. It uses Bing search engines (don’t ask) and every piece of information I need it just sort of formats into the appropriate source citation. It writes the report as I’m thinking about it, it gives me dates and topics from the future. The Laptop is ancient and all knowing and still weighs five tons, it doubles as a heater for those chilly nights - I roast marshmallows and warm coffee on its little keyboard space; I s2g I boiled and egg once. I don’t even need virus protection for it, the Laptop is so old it’s practically devolved into a MAC. I think when it acquires a virus, the Laptop devours it and sticks the bastard in a breed pin - I think the Laptop is becoming skynet.

And when I take it in for the routine checkup/debug (because omniscient technology fabricated with dark magic need care too). The IT people-person do something, look at me and go “wtf is this? This code is hellish. I can’t even - where did you get this?”  

I’ll stare at the guy and go “I bought this demon box here”?

Sometimes the Laptop screams. I’ll be in the middle of working on something, the only time it behaves like a regular laptop, and the thing will stop working to scream at me. And it goes BUZZZZ-BLAAARRRRUGHHHH!I And my only remedy is beat the shit out of it. People stare at me when it SCREAMS. I feel their judging gaze, they’re like “What did you do to that poor machine?”

I’m just hitting it, shrieking “Let the power of memes compel you!”

If I sell it or something, the curse will pass on. One time I left it on a table, hoping someone would snatch it. But whenever someone would go near it the computer would blare Rick Astleys Never gonna Give Yoou Up. I have never seen a more spiteful chunk of technology.

in the tags add your old as beans tech and what omniscient properties it holds. Or add a story