#the new intro does not inspire anything from me except spite

[zoomguanyu]

I re-edited the F1 intro with the FIA 90s music

YouTube link

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recaps: Vol. 5. Necessary Sacrifice

This is a re-posting from Nov. 11th, 2017 in an effort to get all my recaps fully on tumblr. Thanks!

This week’s lunch special is pure angst with a side of bittersweet hope. Though “Unforeseen Consequences” might have been an unexpectedly funny episode, things are really heading south when you’ve got a title like “Necessary Sacrifice.”

The fandom said that things would start getting darker by Episode 5 and here we are.

We begin with Blake, continuing the strategy of cycling through a main character each week while still leaving time for Ruby. She and Sun are attempting to recruit people to help defend Haven and it’s going about as well as you’d expect. From mothers pulling their sons back indoors to faunus straight up telling them to get lost, by the end of a long afternoon neither of them have anything to show for their efforts. Despite the faunus-specific situation here, I wonder if Qrow will encounter similar problems as he tries to recruit other huntsmen and huntresses. The residents of Menagerie can’t be the only ones who want to ignore this war (or straight up believe it doesn't exist) and it would be a convenient way of ensuring that the battles continue to rest on the shoulders of the kids. Similar to The Legend of Korra, RWBY raises questions as to why children continue to do the work of adults. Like Harry Potter, the show will need to keep coming up with decent excuses.

Blake raises an important consideration though: “Not everyone is like you and me.” We’ve been given a series focused on the soldiers of this world and thus it’s easy to forget that everyone else surrounding them isn’t going to happily charge into a fight like Team RWBY is. Most people—the faunus in particular—will do everything they can do avoid getting involved. The fact that it's Blake leading this charge, "cowardly" Blake with a semblance that literally lets her run away, does a lot to show her own character growth. More than that though, we’re reminded that RWBY/RNJR aren’t even like other huntsmen and huntresses. The Fall of Beacon changed them and taught an incredibly difficult lesson: that Salem doesn’t care if you think you’re a part of this war or not. Blake says that the people of Menagerie will be affected no matter what their decision is. Later Ruby reiterates that even innocents like Penny will be killed in this battle. You’re in danger whether you fight or whether you stay on the sidelines… so you might as well take up arms and do what you can.

Sun and Blake’s conversation was, at its core, another callback to the early volumes, notably their first café conversation. It’s a mellow scene with the talk broken up with slice-of-life looks around Menagerie, highlighting the diversity among the faunus race. I would have appreciated the aesthetics and mood of this scene a whole lot more if Sun hadn’t devolved into someone I’ve come to actively dislike. Blake expresses how appreciative she is that Sun was there for her even when she didn’t want him to be and says that she wants to help her friends, “The way you helped me.”

God no. I ranted about this briefly in my last recap, but Sun’s actions should not be romanticized like this. Being there for someone means remaining open and supportive, available (to the best of your ability) for when they decide they want your help. Granted, the exception to this is situations wherein someone needs intervention for their own or another's safety, but Blake is absolutely not in that position. Part of being supportive is providing someone with the space they ask for and Sun 100% did not do this. He stalked Blake without her permission. Did not leave when she told him to. Horned in on her private family life despite numerous signs—both overt and subtle—that he was not welcome there. The fact that Blake now does want him around doesn’t excuse his earlier, pushy arrogance. And the fact that she’s thanking him for it puts a real sour taste in my mouth. It’s far too reminiscent of all the men who continually demand a woman’s attention because they know “what’s best” for her, or they’re convinced she “secretly wants it.” Sun has had no respect for Blake’s boundaries these past few months and he does not deserve to be rewarded for that egotism now.

Regardless, that’s just one uncomfortable moment in an otherwise nice scene. I laughed at Blake's speech about personification, given that I’d just taught Citizen Kane to a bunch of intro film students. Can you sum up a person’s life and personality with just one word? Blake thinks you can. Ruby is purity, Weiss is defiance, Yang is strength…and Adam, after long consideration, is spite. It’s an assessment I think most can agree with. As Blake lays out, Adam has no desire for equality or justice. He’s out to hurt humanity as much as possible, regardless of how much of that vengeance they actually deserve.

Continuing Blake and Ruby’s parallels this episode, Ruby showcases her purity by having a candid (and long overdue) conversation with Oscar. Like Jaune, Oscar seems to be doing a lot of training on his own (numerous parallels between them too—I hope they interact more) and he admits that even though it’s only been a few weeks, he feels as if he’s been working with Ozpin's cane for a lifetime, maybe more. Beyond reminding us that Oscar and Ozpin are continuing to merge, this helps situate the viewer in Volume 5’s stupidly complex timeline. In all honesty I could continue to do without this non-linearity. It’s jarring to start an episode as if only a day or two has passed (first training last episode), only to learn through offhand comments that it’s been weeks instead. RWBY isn’t the sort of show that benefits from feelings of displacement and it would be better served using something like a more traditional training montage.

Then things get heavy. The conversation is mostly small talk until Ruby exclaims that Oscar will be combat ready soon. I’m so glad people have already GIFed this moment because Ruby’s expressions here are heart-wrenching.

Ruby: “Penny...” 

No one—viewers and characters alike—were expecting that punch to the gut. To say nothing of the fact that Ruby loved and listened to Penny enough to pick up on her favorite catchphrase. This moment starts a much more intimate conversation wherein Oscar expresses, through anger and fear, what most people have been thinking for four volumes now: how the hell can Ruby be so optimistic? People have tried to kill this girl, succeeded in murdering her friends, forced her out of her home, separated her from family, and dumped her in the middle of a war. Isn’t she scared?

Well of course she is. I’ve argued from the start the Ruby is wiser than most give her credit for and we get an excellent demonstration of this here. Beyond reiterating Blake’s views from earlier—that they’re in danger whether they keep moving forward or crawl into a panicky ball—she drops the bombshell that being recklessly brave isn’t going to save anyone. In fact, it actively got Pyrrha killed. I love that the show finally acknowledged this because as brave as Pyrrha was for standing up to Cinder, that bravery was stupid. She knew she couldn’t defeat a Maiden and fighting her achieved nothing overall. The only reason Pyrrha went up to that tower was because it was the “right” thing to do… but in fact, the better thing to do would have been to hold back, to survive and live to fight another day. 

Ruby gets that. For all her niceties and optimism, she understands Pyrrha’s fatal flaw: there’s a difference between playing the hero and being a strategic member of a team. It flies in the face of everyone who claims she hasn’t grown (remember the girl who tried to take on the deathstalker alone during initiation?) and it just solidifies my feelings regarding her decision to enter Qrow’s fight with Tyrian. That was also a stupid decision based on what we know now, but the point is Ruby didn’t have all that information--she was making a strategic choice on what she thought she knew. Ruby isn’t out to sacrifice herself for the sake of sacrifice. Does she make mistakes? Of course, but she’s a lot more self-aware than most would assume at first glance. She's out to win, not just turn herself into a martyr.

Ozpin says it himself, “She really is remarkable, isn’t she?” yet when Oscar agrees in this sort of awed voice, commenting that she must have been one of the best huntresses at Beacon, Ozpin is quick to clarify that Ruby has faults just like anyone else. What makes her special is that “spark,” her ability to inspire others even in the face of extraordinary odds. It's her optimism and leadership (among other traits) that make her great--but they certainly don't make her perfect.  

This comment of Ozpin’s was so reassuring. Yes, I’m also frustrated that no one is talking about Ruby’s silver eyes (I’d have demanded an explanation months ago??) but at least we have even more confirmation that Ozpin doesn’t just view Ruby as his secret weapon. This conversation could have easily ended with him making vague references to how powerful and important Ruby is. Instead Ozpin teaches Oscar that no one can be put up on a pedestal. Say what you want about Ozpin’s archetype and supposed manipulation. I firmly believe he was telling the truth when he told James ages back that he didn’t want his kids fighting a war. It’s just too bad that they have to.

Our last scene is the one everyone was waiting for. News has reached the fox brothers of Sienna’s assassination and when they refer to her as a “necessary sacrifice” everyone breathed a sigh of relief. That is, until the Belladonnas are also labeled a “necessary sacrifice” and everyone panicked. Our new winged faunus guy might have intercepted the messenger with news of Sienna’s death, but they can’t keep it a secret from Menagerie forever. When this gets out the tide might just turn in Ghira’s favor… so the whole family, with the exception of Blake, is to be killed. And Ilia is the perfect person to carry this out.

Frankly, I don’t think she’ll do it. The show has spent too much time framing her as a sympathetic character, someone really on the fence about her loyalties, and you can see the pure shock and hesitation on Illia’s face when she hears the news. The real question though is, if she does turn to Blake’s side, will her double-status be enough to save the Belladonnas? We dodged Qrow's death last Volume. Is it time then for another casualty?

The only real silver lining here is that if they do die it’ll probably happen off screen where we can ignore it. After all, it’s only the red-haired, green-eyed characters who get the gruesome deaths lol. Still waiting to see if that's just some morbid inside joke or if we'll ever get an in-universe explanation...

One final note regarding this episode: is anyone else highly suspicious of Oscar’s backpack? It’s not as if he’s wandered far to train—Ruby comes right downstairs to grab him for dinner. Yet here he is with his stuff all packed up. Oscar leans his cane with the other weapons, cries, and then packs it up as well, donning the backpack with his most precious possession inside, something that is entirely unnecessary if you’re just walking upstairs to dinner. The fact that this scene takes place with an open wall that leads outside, the fact that we cut with Oscar still standing in the middle of the room… it makes me nervous. Maybe Ozpin has a special mission for them. Maybe Oscar (despite Ruby’s comment that he’s braver than he thinks) is planning to leave….

…or maybe they just needed something for him to do while they had a long, intimate conversation. That’s always possible too.

Until next week!

Other Details of Note

Mermaid faunus confirmed.

Winged faunus CONFIRMED.

Oscar says that the only fighting he’s done is against small Grimm that, presumably, try and attack the farm. This raises a lot of questions regarding how strong a Remnant civilian is. Can everyone fight off one or two regular Grimm? Does Oscar’s farm work give him the kind of strength he needs to, I don’t know, stab something evil with a pitchfork? I remain supremely curious about what the average, non-fighter is capable of in this world.

Both Ruby and Oscar got to cry a bit during their conversation. Kudos. Keep letting the kids cry.

I also appreciate that it was a conversation between Oscar and Ruby. Ozpin may not literally be able to get away, but at least he has the tact to hang back and pretend that the conversation is private.

Adam is... definitely "unwell." Nice choice in language though. The fox brothers want to "silence" the Belladonnas whereas Adam straight up says to "slaughter" them. He's becoming more unhinged with each passing episode.

[cvenir]

imma try this again bc i said y’know fck it (heh) bc i need to introduce these characters before making proper bios ok here we go

so actually since i did do zella, felix, and gwenna’s bios, i’ll actually just leave them out of the intro bc like.... i have 8 more lmao so like here you can find their bios in the first three circles n also imma link all the pinterests aGAIN bc they probably do more than i can

these are gonna be crude n real cut n dry but let’s face it who has time to read everything abt all 11 ok this is for US

CHRISTOPHER ‘KIT’ MILLER looks an awful lot like DONALD GLOVER. HE is THIRTY-TWO and while they’re MAGNETIC, they have a tendency to get pretty MERCENARY. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to DEGAS PARK by KEVIN ABSTRACT.

ok so kit is my son !! he is kinda a shitty person but it’s a result of his upbringing entirely like he was raised in a household of self-obsession and pre-occupation with the material things. aka he’s like filthy rich bc his parents are well-known in the entertainment business

his father is a rlly big time actor like he is thaT GUY ( my star wars lovin ass likes to pretend he’s billy dee williams bc lando unite but anyway unrelated ) and his mother is a super awesome film director so he grew up with that hanging over his shoulders. his dad was always really hard on him and pushed him to become an actor too but he isn’t abt that life (only to spite his dad lbr)

also his parents were lke actively trying not to have kids so his dad always kinda held that against kit and resented him from day one meanwhile his mother embraced it so :/

his mom is everything he ever dreamed of in a mother, and even tho she was always a bit too busy for him, she never let it affect their relationship and they’re still very close

so yeah kit is that fancy ass man like he bathes in the opulence. he doesn’t do much but gamble and parade his wealth around –– except he has invested in many businesses so like he can be p serious n focused on that sometimes bc like

$$$$

also he loves his ladies. like a lot. pls someone allow him to be the suGAR DADDY WE ALL DESERVE!!! but fr no that’s his biggest downfall like in his song inspo he can get very caught up in his emotions and rlly lose his head bc like he is calm cool and calculating and distant for the most part but once he gets attached it’s like he craves the connection and he can get very lost

anyway also bring me a plot where they may have grown up together and he’s very defensive over them like he doesn’t always get close to people but this person means the world to him and maybe he’s been lowkey in love his whole life but like whatever who talks abt feelings n ruins something so special he could never

yeah so idk what more to say at this point so yeah hmu w questions bc i could probably go off again

ROSALIND LEPAGE looks an awful lot like ADELAIDE KANE. SHE is TWENTY-FOUR and while they’re RESILIENT, they have a tendency to get pretty QUIXOTIC You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to MELTING by KALI UCHIS. 

okay now this is my baby. she is a sweet lil buttercup and only wants the best in life but it never comes to her ugh i’m wounded.

so she was born and raised in kola, v much small-town girl vibes. she absolutely loves it here but since growing up the town was really been stained by disappointment :/ when she was seventeen both of her parents like went missing just like completely disappeared leaving her and her six-year-old sister just completely alone which really fucked up her plans bc she was already accepted to a top-tier music school in new york for college for her passion for violin but she had to turn it down bc her sister was now her responsibility 

so she dropped out of highschool and got her ged and immediately entered the work force, leaving her dreams in the dust. she still plays every now and then, especially whenever there’s an open mic night at the coffee shop where she works like girl plugs in her amp n everything i love her

anyway like she doesn’t resent anyone or blame her sister bc she’s just so compassionate and selfless like she didn’t hesitate to change her life to support her sis but it does still kill her to know that her life just kinda never took off and probs never will. but now she just channels all that sadness into fighting to make sure her sister doesn’t end up stuck like she did

so yeah she’s just a huge sweetheart who loves doing things for others and she’s so so soft like someone hold my lil muffin :/ she can get way too caught up in dreams sometimes but y’know that’s life!!!

DIEGO CABRERA looks an awful lot like XAVIER SERRANO. HE is TWENTY-THREE and while they’re VIVACIOUS, they have a tendency to get pretty ERRATIC. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to DO IT AGAIN by NO ROME.

so one of the messiest children ever, he is here. ngl i got a lot of inspo from adam sackler from girls for my son diego so if u feel me, word. 

basically pls meet the world’s biggest narcissist –– he’s just like appalling sometimes but he really is trying his best. my boi grew up in kola and always planned on moving to LA to pursue his dream of being an actor and wow is he perfect for that bc my guy is the most dramatic and expressive hot mess you’ll ever find

his mind is always moving 100 miles a minute and he just says the craziest things ??? like he doesn’t know where to stop. diego is super passionate abt his own life and what he wants to do and what he believes; he won’t let you forget it either. he’s always here to share a piece of his mind whether you want it for not and he’s not afraid to turn people away bc his opinions are valid !!

like he’s sooo selfish and doesn’t even hide his own agenda, but ngl once you get him attached there’s no going back like he really gives everything his all and will devote anything it takes to procure happiness for those he loves

like he’s rrlly terrible but he truly has a good head on his shoulders and a good heart in his chest n it’ll beat for u rll hard if u earn it (thru his means ofc)

like when i say god complex i mean it

but c’mon pls give me the plot where like this person pined after him for such a fuckin long time and he legit only used them for sex n didn’t even hide it (like fr seconds after rolling over he said ‘so are you gonna leave now ? bye) bUT y’know they’ve been hooking up for so long to where he actually got invested and wanted them to come to his rehearsals and share his passion w them and they just like ..... stopped caring all of a sudden. so now he’s sad boi and mad boi bc after basically begging for him to give a fuck they up and ran when his heart got invOLVED LIKE FUCK ME fr this is the song and i need this connection pLS LOVE ME

anyway he’s a mess but i love him

PIPER KOVALSKY looks an awful lot like EMMY ROSSUM. SHE is TWENTY-SEVEN and while they’re NURTURING, they have a tendency to get pretty CALAMITOUS. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to COFFEE & CIGARETTES by VIC MENSA.

awhh pipes.... my poor bb. she is also quite the mess!! 

but lbr it’s all her fucking fault lmao like her life literally never took off but she has no one to blame but herself. like she just really has a talent for ruining things whenever they get good and she doesn’t even try too my bb just does not think abt ramifications ever

piper was also born and raised in kola but she’s hopped around from area to area bc she can’t keep a lease going to save her life

or a job

she’s a big fan of cigareetes and alcohol and partying but whenever she indullges in anything they kinda have a perfect way of getting her in trouble. like she really wants to stop living like a vagrant but her cyncicsm really gets her down so she barely tries

she has a few siblings that she really wants to protect bc they’re headed down her path as well but she can’t even keep her life straight ugh :/

but ok so she’s truly the biggest softie on the inside like she cares soooo fucking much and she does a terrible job at pretending she doesn’t. but ya girl still tries!

ok so time for me to go off abt a wanted connect!!!! so her song is coffee & cigarettes and it’s a bop find it here pLS and i just really feel in my bones that this should be a connection ok. give me that high school lovers that were never lovers bc all piper could focus on was her own self-destruction n rlly living it up so she just completely shut this person out when it finally became real :/ so yeah it’s a fucking mess and she’s never truly moved on

anyway i should probably move onto the next muse lmao

MALCOLM WEST looks an awful lot like REECE KING. HE is TWENTY-TWO and while they’re JOCULAR, they have a tendency to get pretty CAVALIER. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to EPITAPH by HIPPO CAMPUS. –––––– may or may not be inspired by jake peralta

when i say he’s a goofster i mean he is a goofster and a gaffster ok

my tiny son who just wants to be a big bad detective and fight crime and just crack jokes along the way he is the meme king and he’ll let you know it

he grew up in atlanta where both of his parents were cops so he really just always dreamed of being just like them one day 

until his dad told him he’d never make it. that crushed his spirit entirely and ever since then he really kinda just figured out who his dad was ?? he caught him cheating on his mom and also just being a dirty cop and it just broke his heart bc that was his hero. and y’know malcolm gooddoer and fighter for justice so he went to his mom with this discovery and she just kind of admitted that she knew abt all of it but couldn’t do anything abt it so... he just kinda left and moved to kola to start over

he entered the police academy there as soon as he possibly could (18 i think maybe 19 if i’m dumb ) and just did not stop working his ass off and doing all kinds of paperwork and bust until he finally reached detective just a week ago

don’t get me wrong ya boi hates paperwork but he’s gotta do what he’s gotta do !!

anyway he’s a clown but he loves life and and even tho he’s a child he can take some things seriously

aside from his true feeling heh who ?? i don’t know her n imma just tell a joke or do an impression or smth instead

alsO idk if anyone knows chew the comic series but he dEF IS GONNA HAVE THOSE POWERS FOR THE SUPERHERO/SUPERNATURAL THREAD stay tuned

CAMBRIA SONG looks an awful lot like JENNIE KIM. SHE is TWENTY-ONE and while they’re IDEALISTIC, they have a tendency to get pretty WHIMSICAL. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to MARCELINE by WILLOW.

ok first of all her pinterest is a whole ass aesthetic and u basically see everything she’s abt on there 10/10 would reccommend

now this is a smol bean that is also a bad bitch and we stan !! she’s your astrology loving, extra ass, witty lil witch and she loves adding in her two cents! she’s a sweet lil thing but her bite is bigger than her bark so watch out fr

mostly imma have her in the supernatural verse (witch heh heh), demi-god verse (u kno she’s hecate’s daughter), n maybe the horror verse bc i want my bb to be a medium like lorraine warren that’s my girl!! 

other than that catch her throwing out ur natal chart, charging n cleansing her cyrstals, n offering free tarot readings! really she has her mf shit together n loves helping ppl w spiritual awakenings ok

here is a pic of her two sides conversing ok big meme here

anyway i’m a big fan of her pinterest and i hope that gives everyone a good vibe for her bc tbh i’m tired lol

so imma do my other three muses in another post tomorrow bc !!! ya girl is feeling lazy now lmao sry this took so long geez

[mst3kproject]

1003: Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders – Part I

Before I sought it out to do this review, I had never seen Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders in any format but the MST3K episode, and even that I'd only seen once.  At some point in the planning stages of this blog I realized I was going to have to review it, and it actually gave me pause.  I seriously considered scuppering the whole project because I didn't want to watch this movie a second time.  In fact, I still haven't watched it again.  I'm writing this intro paragraph as a way of putting off watching the movie for a few minutes longer.

Why is a little hard to explain.  I don't hate this movie, but I sure as hell don't like it.  Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders isn't offensively bad like Attack of the The Eye Creatures, or even just plain offensive like Project Moon Base.  It is, however, intensely uncomfortable in its combination of cheery childlike imagery with what the Brains used to call 'good old-fashioned nightmare fuel', and something about it utterly repels me so deep in my gut it feels like appendicitis.  I use random.org to decide which movie I'm gonna watch next, and this one's number just came up... so after putting it off for a couple of weeks (thank heaven I have a buffer), I've decided the thing to do is just put on my Big Kid Pants and get it the hell over with so I never, ever have to watch it again.

Merlin the magician has used his powers to time-travel to modern California so that he can teach people to believe in magic again.  Among the first visitors to his Shop of Mystical Wonders are Madeline, a woman who can't have children, and her husband Jonathan, who announces his intention to give Merlin a bad review on Yelp or something.  At the urging of his own wife Zurella, Merlin gives Jonathan a book of magic to try to change his mind, and Jonathan tries it out that night in his basement.  Sure enough, the spells work, but after summoning Satan and breathing fire on his cat, Jonathan has expended so much of his life force that he has aged about forty years!  He tries to reverse the process but turns himself into a really ugly baby, granting Madeline's wish for a child to raise.

Now, this is all presented as if it's supposed to be very whimsical.  The interior of Merlin's shop looks like a cross between Galadriel's Glade in Lothlorien and the inside of a Rainforest Cafe.  Merlin himself is a Value Village Dumbledore and Zurella wears a brightly-coloured Renaissance-inspired outfit and gives out wishing stones.  This really ought to be a cheerful family film with a musical number sung by gnomes or something.  Instead, almost everything we see is straight out of a nightmare.  In fact, there is so much nightmare fuel in this movie that I quickly realized it wasn't all going to fit in a single review of my normal length.  That's why I've split both my summary and my analysis in two: if you want to hear about demonic cymbal monkeys, you're going to have to wait a bit.  For this session, let's stick to Jonathan's mercifully brief foray into wizardry.

Jonathan himself comes across as a person who should definitely not be given magical powers.  He mocks everything he sees in grating narration and laughs at the idea of driving small businesses into bankruptcy.  I think we all have a co-worker like him: one of those people who think everything they have to say is so very interesting, and cannot seem to take the hint that we want them to shut up and go away.  That person we would punch in the face if it weren't for the fact that everybody else would have to listen to him talking about it later.  He's a nightmare in himself, and his attitude, demanding that Merlin placate him or suffer the consequences, tells us that the power he wields through his newspaper column is already more than he can handle.

Sure enough, when Jonathan begins playing with Merlin's spellbook he doesn't even try to resist the corruption that this new form of power offers him.  He breathes fire, tortures his cat, and when a demon appears in his mirror it never seems to occur to him that Satan probably doesn't give very good advice.  By the time he finds the youth potion, he's gone all maniacal-eyed as he literally drinks his wife's blood.  The audience can only imagine that if he'd managed to master the powers of the book he would have become a modern-day Dark Lord and we'd all be forced to worship at his feet, as Mike and Crow kneel at Tom Servo's hoverskirt in the opening sketch.

Then there's the ending.  The idea of a man turning into a baby so that his child-less wife can raise him is a deeply uncomfortable one. Part of this is because the story never bothers to ask whether baby-Jonathan retains adult-Jonathan's mind.  Is he a blank slate for Madeline to mold into a less-offensive adult?  Or is he fully aware that he once had sex with the woman who is now changing his diaper?  What about Madeline herself?  She must know who the baby crawing out of her husband's clothing is.  Will she be able to be a good mother to him, or will her parenting always be coloured by remembering how Jonathan used to treat her?  And that's not even going into how twenty seconds of film here contains more Oedipal subtext than the entirety of Quest for the Mighty Sword. Just thinking about it makes me want a shower.

Also, that really is an ugly baby, and this is coming from somebody who's normally a big fan of babies.  Objectively I know that babies are nothing but immobile little loaf-shaped people with flailing limbs and no bowel control, and I don't want to have to change diapers or wipe snotty noses or listen to crying in the middle of the night – but when I see a baby, something in my hindbrain takes over and says adorable, must cuddle.  Big babies, small babies, fat babies, scrawny babies, bald babies, babies with hair... I love babies!  Except this one.  I find myself wondering if they did some makeup or something to try to make the kid look more like Jonathan... if they did, it didn't work.  If they didn't... then ew. That is one ugly baby.

Was this story meant to be nightmarish and uncomfortable?  The title Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders certainly doesn't sound like it belongs to a horror story.  The shop itself is whimsical enough, and there's sort of a happy ending in which I guess Madeline got what she wanted and Jonathan learned his lesson... kinda.  Some of the magical effects Jonathan produces, like the repelling spell, the diamonds, and the levitation, are treated as jokes.  But I think even if the TV show that this is so obviously a pilot for was meant to be relatively light-hearted, at least this episode was supposed to be a horror story.  The reason why has a lot to do with what Jonathan tries to do to his cat.

The narrator explains to us that the potion force-fed to the cat will turn it into a familiar – a helper animal so utterly loyal as to be willing to die for its master.  The audience will immediately notice that this description is diametrically opposed to the very nature of cats as we popularly percieve them.  Cats are thought of as aloof and self-serving creatures, with no interest in coming when they're called, never mind in doing what they're told. (People who own cats know, of course, that cats are actually clingy dumbasses who only like to pretend they think they're better than you – and contrary to popular belief, they're quite capable of learning to obey commands and even do tricks.  It's just that training isn't thought of as essential to the human-pet relationship like it is with dogs, and so most people don't bother.)

So here's Jonathan, trying to turn his cat into the opposite of what cats are 'supposed' to be, completely nullifying the animal's own will and personality.  That's a horrifying concept.  There also seems to be an element of spite in it, as Jonathan mockingly tells the cat, “you're about to learn the true meaning of obedience!” When Jonathan doesn't like a shop, he destroys its reputation.  When he doesn't like an animal, he destroys its mind.  If he'd managed to master the spells and make himself ruler of the universe or whatever, what does all this suggest he would have done to people? Then, when he is unable to enslave the cat (I think we’re meant to believe it attacks him because he got the potion wrong... but trying to rip its owner’s face off is the perfectly normal reaction of a cat having anything forced down its throat), he literally kills it with fire.  That's the kind of thing Nero did to the Christians!  So yeah, this much at least is supposed to give us nightmares.

At the end of this part of the story, I suppose Merlin has at least succeeded in getting Jonathan and Madeline to believe in magic, which he did say was his goal.  Maybe Jonathan will grow up again to understand that magic is not a power to mock or take lightly – and neither, I suppose, are shop reviews.  Maybe Madeline will be able to find hope knowing that miracles can happen as long as you don't get picky about how they happen.  Maybe magic is something we're supposed to believe in the way we believe in... oh, say, safe driving.  Those in command of something that could cause death or property damage need to learn to wield it with respect for it and for everybody around them.  That actually seems like a fairly plausible lesson for this part of the movie.

But then there's the 'evil monkey' sequence, which is actually a whole different movie.  See you next week. Fuck, I'm gonna have to watch this stupid movie again after all!

[gigsoupmusic]

Sheep on Drugs, R.O.C., Micko & the Mellotronics (3 March 2020)

We're back once more at Paper Dress Vintage (you can't keep us away!), and again we are there for three very different bands, one of which (Sheep on Drugs) was a band close to the heart of one of these two reviewers (Tristán), having been raving to them in the mosh-pit as a young student in the very early 1990s in Camden Palace. This was going to be a nostalgia trip! But first, the support acts. First up was a band that were completely new to us: Micko & the Mellotronics. They have an interesting sound, with a nice rolling beat, a bit Buzzcocks in places.

Singer and guitarist Micko Westmoreland once played Jack Fairy in the Velvet Goldmine movie that starred Eddie Izzard among others. The other guitarist is Jon Klein, who was one of the founders of the Batcave, a trailblazing London goth club from the early 80s, and was part of Siouxie and the Banshees for seven years. Nick Mackay (drums) and Vicky Carroll (bass) complete the foursome.

Following a song called "Psychedelic Shirt" which was, according to Micko, inspired by growing up in Leeds, the band played the first real toe-tapper, a track called "The Now", which got very spacey in the second half, finishing with a really good instrumental. Unfortunately, the microphone that Micko was using was set up in a very unidirectional manner, which meant that we could only really hear the lyrics when his mouth was right in front of it. Every time he moved his head down to look at his guitar, the sound would cut out. Fortunately, Micko opens his mouth very expressively when he sings, so it was possible to fill in the gaps by lip-reading.

A lot of their songs were quite diverse, from the very dark "You Killed My Father" (…'now you must die'), which Micko told us was dedicated to people who have departed us, to the happy-bonkers "The Finger", which was their first single, released just last year. The highlight was when a chap in a suit started dancing in a joyous but crazy fashion at the front of the audience. 'It's Steve from accounts', we joked. We had no idea that it was a set-up, and thought that it was a genuine outburst of energy from someone who had spent far too long on Excel spreadsheets all day and was letting his hair down. So we recorded the end of the song and uploaded it to YouTube here: https://youtu.be/hJiL9aLescY We were a little disappointed when we got home and had a look at the official video of this song, only to discover that the video indeed features the same gentleman. Since not that many people knew who he was, as I imagine most of the audience were there for the next band, we are sure that we were not the only ones to be left very bemused by this.

The band finished up by playing a few more songs, culminating with a very screechy song about Imelda Marcos which certainly would have woken up anyone who was starting to drift off. It was time for a break and to get ready for band number two. R.O.C. were up next, a new-wave indie-electronica group from Brixton that have been going strong since 1990, and which was once championed by the late great John Peel. With at least seven band-members on stage (there could have been an eighth lurking amongst the smoke), this was another band with a wide variety of musical styles, as demonstrated by the opening three songs alone. Following a pleasant atmospheric intro, R.O.C. played a track from the first album (Bile & Celestial Beauty). It was called "Think Again", with male singer Fred Browning screaming in anguish down the mike, punk-style, lyrics such as 'I don't wanna go through this again, I'm sure I'll have to see it through again'. We have no idea what it was that he was describing, but we felt for him.

Unfortunately, it did appear that R.O.C. were going to be concentrating on the aforementioned new album, which we had not heard before and did not really know what to expect. We much prefer it when acts intersperse new stuff with old. But the first five songs were entirely from Bile & Celestial Beauty. Vocal duties tended to alternate between Fred Browning and Karen Sheridan. So when Karen took to the mike for the next song, we were hoping for something a bit jollier. However, this was another song full of anguish. Called "Journey", it includes lyrics such as 'I've got to-oo be strong, I've got to-oo move on'. We filmed the footage for your delectation. https://youtu.be/OgD-CDMX1cc Next up it was Fred's turn to sing. "Sea of Storms" had even more anguish, with lyrics such as 'what would be the point of staying around' and 'How can I keep on holding on. I've gotta gotta gotta gotta hold on'. A song called "Chateau" was up next, which was probably one of our least favourites, not just because Karen sings the lyrics 'I will kill you before you kill me'. However, the next song was old of the oldies! "I Want You I Need You I Miss You", which is from their 1994 album Girl With a Crooked Eye, has the joyful lyrics 'one day you will soon be mine', 'you're so sweet to me, like the fruit of the cherry tree, you're so good to me'…. This is a lovely song, cheesy as hell but such a breath of fresh air after all the angst.

Another great song followed, "Princess" from 2005, which was much more breakbeaty and very dancey. "Silver Highway" came next, which in spite of being from the new album was much more chill and laid-back. They finished off with another classic, "Cheryl", which came out in 1997, and was probably their most psychedelic tune, starting with a disco beat and ending a with great drum outro. R.O.C. are a very experimental band and there's nothing quite like them, to be honest. Their music is often interspersed with recorded video footage and various incongruous sounds, which work well. It is clear why John Peel championed them all those years ago. However, we found the lyrics on the songs from the new album just a tad too depressing for a Tuesday night. We needed cheering up. Thank goodness for the glorious and shameless fun that are Sheep on Drugs. A flash of bright yellow glowing in the UV lighting on stage immediately attracted our attention. This was someone's hair, and upon closer inspection it was none other than Dead Lee (Lee Fraser), the original guitar and keyboardist from Sheep on Drugs, his face painted up to look like a nose-bleeding drug-fuelled rock god.

Setting up her trusty keytar was the strikingly sexy techno-punk bundle of energy that is Johnny Borden, who has been part of Sheep on Drugs for well over a decade now. Sadly, no King Duncan, but Borden's vocals (and occasionally Lee's) combined are more than a match.

There is not a single down-tempo song among Sheep on Drugs' repertoire. It is banger after banger, mixing punk in with industrial techno, and occasionally very x-rated lyrics. After their intro, the first song was called "Step into the Light", and was from the brand new album, Does Dark Matter. But Sheep on Drugs know how to entertain a crowd. They knew that we were here for the classics. There was only one other track from the new album, buried towards the end of the set. That's the way to do it!

Next up was "Let the Good Times Roll", from their 1994 album …On Drugs. Proper rave classic. It was amazing what a great sound the two of them made on stage. Music speaks louder than words, so here is our footage from the beginning of our great trip down memory lane. We should however warn anyone with photo-sensitive epilepsy to look away now. https://youtu.be/dYqqUhIdzfs A special word really has to go out to the exceptional lighting that we enjoyed during Sheep on Drugs' set, as can be appreciated in the photos that accompany this review.

The lasers were particularly awesome, and it really did look as though they were actually emanating from the performers' instruments. Paper Dress Vintage certainly do have their lighting sussed.

Borden would occasionally play her keytar but most of the music was up to Lee, when he was not also on singing duty. Lee played guitar occasionally, but for most of the set he played a first generation Kaossilator that was embedded into a toy guitar (or perhaps the latter was one of those consoles used for playing guitar-based videogames). Onto his leg he had strapped a Kaoss Pad, which he used not only to distort the sound coming from the Kaossilator, but also for creating very fast looping and sampling. To do this while standing up, rocking out, singing and not looking at it is a talent that puts some of today's laptop musicians to shame.

Next up, the very punk-rave classic "Still Ill", from the band's quite remarkable 2010 album Medication Time. We filmed this one too, but we're afraid we were standing a little too close to the speakers, so the sound is very distorted. Not that it really matters. It's still eminently enjoyable. https://youtu.be/Z63gDyekeXY Next came two tracks from their ironically-titled Greatest Hits début album from 1993. "Track X" was the song that Grace Jones then went on to cover, calling it "Sex Crime" (a title that probably made more sense). It is easy to forget just how influential a band Sheep on Drugs actually were! Then Borden did something extraordinary, and appeared to set light to her leg. I believe she had some lighter-fuel-soaked tissue-paper tucked into her boots and it flared up and gave everyone a bit of a surprise. Did that really get past health & safety? Come on! do you really think Sheep on Drugs would clear anything with health & safety? Sometimes it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission!

{#nofilter - none of the photos on this page have been Photoshopped. The lighting really was this good!}

With all this pyromaniacal excitement, we had forgotten to get the beginning of "Motorbike" on camera, which was the next song, also from the 1993 album. To make up for it, we let the camera roll on for "Hero on Heroine", which is on Medication Time and we loved it, and reminded us of some early Prodigy. Borden starts this song by taking out a whip, singing how she can 'take it harder', while a crudely-drawn cock-and-balls spins around on the projection behind her. It's all very raunchy. Enjoy! https://youtu.be/Q5xN0UUzmsc "Rip it Up", from their often ignored 2005 album F**K, was next, which featured some great vocal effects courtesy of Lee's Kaoss Pad. This had us bouncing around the floor, at times reminding us of Sigue Sigue Sputnik at their greatest. Then came what has to be the finest cover version of Velvet Underground's "I'm Waiting for the Man" (Lou Reed would have loved it), followed by the only other song from the new album, called "Going Soon", which was very entertaining and ended with Borden holding a mannequin or doll's arm between her legs, in the style of a giant phallus. Well, her name is Johnny after all! This led us into into another song from Medication Time, "12 Good Years".

And then, the final two songs. The fantastic "15 Minutes of Fame" from their début album, and "Life's A Bitch", off of F**K, came next, and we filmed it for you here (with the usual caveat about flashing lights): https://youtu.be/-5KPIMUaCvU What a way to end. Punk rave at its finest, with Lee chanting shouts into the mike, and Borden on her keytar. Talk about finishing on a high!

We loved tonight. But we were mainly here for Sheep on Drugs, whereas we got the impression that a lot of the rest of the crowd were here for the first two acts. Had more industrial electro-punk acts been chosen as the support bands, not a single punter would have left before 11 o'clock. Mixing genres can be a fun concept, but it does mean that the last act sometimes doesn't get the crowds they deserve, especially if the support acts have a half-decent following of their own. We thought Sheep on Drugs were ten out of ten, tonight. Not just for sheer entertainment, but for talent also. We are also very appreciative that there were only two "new" songs out of the thirteen played, though since the new album is pretty fantastic we look forward to hearing more of it in future gigs, once we are a little more used to it.

So, now the question needs to be: how does the 1990 Sheep on Drugs compare to the Sheep on Drugs of thirty years later? Very, very favourably, to be honest! OK, there is no King Duncan, who was a real livewire on stage. And Lee doesn't have the same vocals. But Borden is an outstanding entertainer and an excellent singer, plus she has added all that crude and sexy pizzazz that Duncan didn't exactly have. Lee is a good singer, not enough people give him credit for that. We believe that some of the videos above, in particular the last one, will convince people that the man certainly does have a powerful voice. We would even go as far as to say that he was the best male singer of all those we had enjoyed listening to last night. No disrespect is meant to either Micko Westmoreland or Fred Browning. They were entertainers too, in their own way. But there's entertainment… and there's a show. And Sheep on Drugs gave us a show we will not forget in a hurry. Read the full article