#the more i self teach myself stuff about actual constellations the more i come to love the zodiac

[oflgtfol]

three years after this post i have discovered that the star castor in the constellation gemini, is actually also a sextuple system with basically the same configuration

today i am thinking about this six-star system and nothing else

[sunnyoldbear]

Luca Headcanons Part 2

DoesLast one blew up and I was gonna wait to make another before making this one but then my Italian fish obsessed brain couldn’t stop thinking and I literally couldn’t stop myself so let’s go, part 2!

Luca:

Has nightmares of what would happen if things went differently: If he was sent to The Deep, if he and Alberto were outed as sea-monsters before the race, if Ercole, Cicco, and Guido didn’t miss Alberto when throwing the harpoons at the beach, if Alberto didn’t come with the umbrella during the race and he was outed in front of the town and hit with Ercole’s harpoon, etc. He always wakes up terrified. 

Apologizes to inanimate objects if he bumps into them or drops them.

Names everything he comes in contact with. Random animals such as birds, insects (even though he’s terrified), erasers he uses often, etc. They’re always random, silly names, but he loves them. 

Is a slow reader because of how he fantasizes himself in the books and daydreams, then is snapped back to reality.

Keeps a dream journal!

Loves making stories about the stars and constellations. He loves the original stories, but he loves to make up his own.

Honestly I just get the vibe that he’s scared of birds after the encounter with the seagull.

His favorite color is purple followed by green!

Giulia’s mom buys him his own bike and he loses his mind, loving it so much

He’s a bit awkward with making friends at school, sticking to Giulia’s side most of the time

He doesn’t really care for music

He can fall asleep anywhere, honestly. He once fell asleep leaning against the doorway and then crashed onto the floor

Alberto loves to doodle on his arms and hands and Luca doesn’t really care to wash them off so they just kinda chill there. 

He’s very easy to prank and scare

Oh you should see him around the holidays! He’s so excited! His eyes sparkle and shine, he absolutely loves the decorations!

He’s not competitive, actually. He just wanted the prize money to get the Vespa, but he doesn’t really care about winning. He just... Isn’t competitive

He is very protective over his friends. Do what you want to him, but lay a hand on someone he loves and he will tear you a new one. We see him in the movie just frown when Ercole makes fun of him, but when Ercole shoved Alberto, all bets were off.

Charts the stars

He doesn’t have one love language, he has all of them, but probably Physical Touch and Quality Time more than anything, or Acts of Service.

Drinks expresso more often than he probably should, but just to get through his schoolwork

Misses his goatfish more than he wants to admit, especially little Giuseppe

Allergies beat him up during the spring

Slowly gets used to cats with Machiavelli’s kittens, but he’s still scared of the chunky boy

A teacher at school made the mistake of introducing him to Shakespeare. He spent hours sobbing over a good chunk of the plays.

Because he liked Shakespeare, Giulia’s mom got him some poetry books. He was not a fan of Edgar Allan Poe or Agatha Christie or Mary Shelley, all the horror/murder type stuff. He loved Emily Dickinson though!

Is as terrified of losing Alberto as Alberto is terrified of losing him

While he isn’t as touchy with Giulia as he is with Alberto, he does get more touchy with her

Reads tons of books about cats, dogs, and turtles to give Machiavelli, Nerone, and Caligola the care they need

Hears about human farms and loses his mind, rapidly asking questions about how they work and if they’re similar to his own

Giulia tries to convince him that fairytales are real. He has nightmares about them for a few nights until Massimo has to tell him that fairytales are made up and her mom changes them slightly to be more... Non-scary. She starts telling them to him to bed just because she misses doing so, and then he can’t fall asleep without someone telling him a story.

Doesn’t do the handshake with anyone that isn’t Alberto or Giulia.

Giulia’s mom calls him “fishy” or “guppy” and he wants to hate it but he can’t

Hates it when people call him cute or baby him, but his family + Alberto + Marcovaldos still do it

Once heard some French Tourists and stared at Giulia and went “why is their Italian so weird sounding” and she lost her shit laughing

Doesn’t swear, refuses to swear

Tries to use Vespa stamps if they’re available

Once he learns what “Piacere, gioralamo trombetta” means, he sends a letter to Alberto which is just him freaking out and laughing while making fun of it. They don’t stop saying it. In fact, they probably say it more.

He has a map in his room with pushpins of where he’s been. Beside it are a bunch of sticky notes of where he wants to go with Alberto with reasons on why he wants to go.

Has a little bit more courage, but not too much

He’s often teased for calling others “sir” or “ma’am” and so he feels really shy about it but doesn’t stop

Refuses to call Massimo and Giulia’s mom by their names, it just feels too awkward for him

Makes friendship bracelets for the trio as well as separate ones for him and Alberto, then him and Giulia.

While he loves gelato, he doesn’t like it as much as Alberto

I feel like he’d dot the i’s in Giulia’s name with hearts but no one else’s

People at school think he has a crush on her but he doesn’t

He and Alberto still say they sleep under the anchovies. No matter how often he researches stars, he’ll always call them anchovies around him.

Sticks out his tongue when focused

Doesn’t like aquariums, he stares at those fish and he just feels trapped

Loves to dance in the rain

Does that little feet tappy dance thing when he’s excited or shakes his hands

Honestly half of his vocabulary is stern shouts of “Alberto!” “Giulia!” or “silenzio Bruno, silenzio Bruno! Silenzio Bruno!”

Speaking of, he can’t just say “Silenzio Bruno” once, it’s always him saying it more than once, especially when he’s really scared

He doesn’t have loud, aggressive sneezes, but he does have sneeze fits. Once he sneezed so many times that with every one his face got closer to his desk until it just went BAM and he has a massive bruise on his forehead for days. 

Sometimes just goes into the water and swims to relax. If he’s feeling homesick, he’ll do some daring trick and then instinctively turn to smile at Alberto only to realize he isn’t there

His dad still keeps crabs but lets Luca name them. Luca chooses to name them all after space things. Mainly moons, but sometimes planets or galaxies

Secretly feels really guilty about Alberto selling their Vespa

After almost being sent to The Deep, he is terrified of the dark and can’t sleep without a light on, no matter how dim it is

Alberto:

Matching pajamas with both Massimo and Giulia! (Refuses to match with her, Massimo yelled at them)

Tries to see what triggers his transformation. Does watermelon? Does juice? Is it any liquid? He’ll find out!

Calls Giulia “Spewlia” just to piss her off

Those two are always arguing. Yes, he often starts it

Lots of tattoos and ear piercings!

Will into Giulia’s room, stare her dead in the eyes, call her a bitch, and run out while leaving the door open. She’ll scream at him and probably throw something. 

Tends to shorten people’s names. He calls Luca “Lu,” “Lulu,” and even “Luke.” Luca does not like any of these names.

Still builds his Vespas! They’re not as fun without Luca, though

Takes Giulia with him sometimes too and purposely crashes into the sea or something just to see what she does. 

Gains quite a bit of muscle 

Is the one who takes down all the sea monster things with Massimo. He and Lorenzo carry Smuca to the fountain

Idk I feel like he has loud sneezes

I also feel like he makes that weird cough face like that one cat idk I just know I’m right

He doesn’t just sing... He scream sings

Doesn’t know how to dance but if there is music he will dance

Loves dancing in the rain too!

Sometimes he’ll just walk into Giulia’s room and gossip with her. They’ll make a blanket fort and grab some snacks and cats and just... Spend the night talking and catching up

She teaches him how to braid hair and now he just loves doing her hair

Bites his lip quite a bit. That’s canon but like, still worth mentioning

Learns how to ride a bike so he doesn’t get killed or something

Keeps a journal on things Luca and Giulia are interested in so he can learn about them. He writes down bullet points on what he remembers from conversations, but it’s honestly not much

He doesn’t have big dreams other than traveling the world with Luca. He knows Giulia wants to be a marine biologist and Luca wants to travel the world + is still figuring things out. He has short term goals other than that and changes the topic about it.

A popular headcanon is that Alberto takes care of the goatfish when Luca’s at school and I think that would happen!

He’s shockingly good with kids! When not working, he loves playing soccer with them by the fountain

He almost named Machiavelli’s mate “Frog” because he can’t name things

Half the time when Giulia and/or Luca talk about school, he goes “I don’t what that means, but I’m choosing to define it as ____” and won’t let them prove him wrong

Technically canon but he will bite. Chomp chomp.

When he meets Giulia’s mom, they love to paint together

He does make some friends in Portorosso, but none are as close to him as his sister and best friend!

This man is the most dramatic person good lord

Love language is definitely physical touch!

Still screams “Take me, gravity!” pretty often

Can’t do work alone without music. He doesn’t really like opera but he can’t stand silence, he just can’t

Sometimes he thinks of Luca’s betrayal and is really angry, but knows he’d probably do the same if the roles were reversed. It was about self preservation and the risk of living. He still gets upset about it sometimes, but completely forgives him and understands

Is always torn between giving Giulia genuine facts about sea creatures and giving her such absurd but lowkey believable lies. He wants her to succeed so badly but also wants to screw her over

If you give him anything, he will play with it. String? A toy. A pen? A toy. A literal rock you found on the side of the road? A gorgeous toy, thank you!

Never just goes into the water, he will always be dramatic and dive in or jump

Sometimes when not on duty, he just blows his lifeguard whistle because he thinks it’s cool

He loves yoyos!

Will noogie Giulia.

Sometimes gets scared that Massimo will abandon him, but it seems like Massimo always knows

Città Vuota is his favorite song!

Doodles all over everything, especially Giulia and Luca’s arms and legs. They range from little stars to tic tac toe games to fish to anything that comes to mind

Giulia:

Is very much into photography! Luca always does hearts with his hands/fingers while Alberto does stupid poses or flips her off... or both.

Hums and sings a lot! 

Also loves to dance and is the best of the trio! Loves to twirl and vibe even if there’s no music! It’s just her personality

She doesn’t just hug, she jumps into their arms and holds them close

Sometimes just to annoy Alberto she’ll hug him and press kisses to his head and cheeks. Siblings gonna be annoying.

Always has so much energy but really struggles with sitting still for homework after such long hours in school that her grades aren’t all that good except for Astronomy!

The most competitive of the trio

Bites her lip when she’s nervous

Started wearing her hat to match her dad when she was little and now she doesn’t like being without it

Has probably fallen asleep in class

Loves watermelon and gelato

While Ciccio and Guido apologize for their actions, she doesn’t forgive them and doesn’t want to. She has every right to

Gets really into singing when she’s singing along to songs

Doesn’t like makeup for herself but will hold the boys captive to do their makeup

Loves puns! Will make sea puns to piss off Alberto and Luca, but Luca loves them so it half-works

Loves copying Alberto’s lipbite

Machiavelli her beloved <3 

Loves her fam so much! She’s got pictures of them everywhere and is constantly buying them gifts

Speaking of! Her love language is giving gifts! 

She’s actually pretty good at making friends since she can read people so well. It’s just that Portorosso doesn’t have any.... Great kids to befriend and Genova just has too many that she sticks to a small group which eventually fades, as groups do

She isn’t the most emotional but she also isn’t the least emotional. She doesn’t cry often but she does get sad and shows it

I don’t know why I feel this way but I definitely think she’s scared of the doctor

She used to be scared of thunderstorms until meeting her boys and the race happened. Now she associates rain and storms with that win

Summer is her favorite season

She knows everyone in Portorosso by name and knows most of their birthdays by heart

Speaking of, she always celebrates Alberto’s birthday like her like her life depends on it

Now loves racing on her bike even more cause of the race

Calls Alberto “Berto” and is the only one allowed to do say

A very light sleeper

---

More on the way probably they’re all I think about

[noyasboxdye]

Renga hcs

Notes: I love them so much they’re so pretty >.< but i didn't feel like actually typing right ill edit it later prolly...

Pairing: Reki + Langa

WARNINGS: none its fluff :)

How they confessed to each other

Mk first Reki didn’t confess. Technically he did but not really-

Miya had to like lowk force him lol

He was watching Langa try this new skating trick while he was taking a break on the bench

It was golden hour so Langa looked really pretty and his eyes *chefs kiss*

So basically Reki called him pretty

Miya being the lil bitch he is started teasing him about how he liked him but like in a joking typa way and he saw Reki blushing and was like “Oh my fucking god you do like him!”

Reki chopped him in the throat cuz he was being loud the Miya kicked his knee but thts, not the point-

Miya goes “So when are you gonna tell him?” Reiki looked at him like he was an idiot

“I’m- I would- could never tell him… he’s- like straight,”

“Well, how do you know have you talked about it?”

“Well- no but still- and even if he did like boys I would never take that risk of assuming that he did and possibly not only making myself look like an idiot but also maybe fuck up our relationship-”

He started rambling so Miya cut him off Langa was coming towards them anyways

But time skip like 2 weeks and Miya finally gets him to do it bc of a bet they made

He was a stuttering fucking mess

Like red asf could barely finish a word his throat was dry asf so he sounded like he’d been smoking cigs since he popped outta the womb and it was just a mess

“I’m g- like- well I’m not- basically- boys are pretty- but girls are really pretty and soft to- but- no stop basically your really- uhm... - really pretty and I- like- you but like- not like- like you- wait no I wanna be-” and he did that for maybe a little over 2 mins :/

He had to take a break because he was tearing up he got like suupppeerr frustrated with himself. He had never had problems confessing to girls before so for him to be a complete mess trying to talk to Langa- he felt dumb and pathetic-

He tried again and Langa stopped him and just said he likes him too.

If it wasn’t that then they were star gazing and having a deep conversation about their dreams and when their older and shit they like

Langa was showing him a constellation and was sitting up and him and Reki made that really intimate eye contact that you make before you kiss someone you’ve liked since forever and they kissed.

It was really cute

“So- uhm… do you like, like me like like like me as like a boyfriend,” reiki said Langa smiled and said yes

Then they kissed again

They didn’t feel like skating home so they just walked and held hands

They took the longer way home to talk more and hold hands longer

Then they hugged before Reki went inside his house

Reki started hyping himself up when he got to his room

Lol Langa just giggled

The dates they go on

They go stargazing a lot

Playgrounds like under the main slide part or the swings

Park, they find a quiet place and have a cute little picnic

Late-night drives

Skate park

Them in a relationship

They send a “good morning babe/stinkers/hon/ugly <3/:))” and a “good night ugly/baby/stinkers/hon <3/:))” every single day

They do their usual day

They’re the type of ppl to look at each other in class and start laughing hard asf

They have a lot of inside jokes- like it’ll be sum serious and somebody says “lamp” or wtv and they’re on the ground crying

Langa teaches Reki new tricks they’re that cute skating couple you see on TikTok tht you wanna be-

They Reki paints Langas nails

Rekis sister LOVE Langa so much omfg

Like Langa will come over specifically for the girls and they’ll have a tea party and a lil self-care day while the girls talk abt dumb shit reki does lol

Langa sometimes “talk” to his dad about Reki and it's really cute but sad- he’ll like ramble about him for hours on end and sometimes his mom will hear him and ask who he’s talking to and he’ll be like dad she thinks he has superpowers or sum

(Stan the moms they’re so pretty and funny)

They have dumb nicknames for each other like stinkie/stinkers/stink, bug, Rekis called him meemaw before .-.

They make sure they both eat at least 2 full meals a day and drink water and stuff

Langa and Reki hug each other in a way I don’t really know how to explain- BUT it feels warm and like yellow with golden flakes (if that makes sense)

[sambinnie]

1. Happy Mabon! Every autumn, I forget that the darkness comes clanging down in a great rush in the mornings. One day, I am greeted by a pinking sunrise. 48 hours later, it’s so dark on my run to the river that I have to stop a passing runner and check the time, in case my disturbed sleep sent me dressing and leaving the house at 2am. This summer may not have given us those mornings where it’s so hot I can barely get out of the water, where those early hours feel like full silent days carved out just for me to sit in the light and wait for everyone else to wake up, where the only extra thing I put on to run home is my trainers — I look at my waiting winter gear, neoprene socks and gloves, head torch, two more thickening jumpers, hat, thermal mittens — but every season, every day, is beautiful.

Today we go early for celebrations, and the water is silky, and Orion hangs over us with his phallic sword dangling and Betelgeuse winking on one shoulder. The near-full moon spotlights us and I feel almost ready for the shortening days.

2. Hilary Mantel continues to be a literary god. How does she write with that clarity? How can I ever speak with her calm good sense and wit? 

3. We have two main problems at the moment, as far as I can see. a) What we’re doing (“curating” our lives; twitter spats; purity spirals; division and isolation; wanting ‘debates’ that can only be won or lost; encouraging people to buy more things; trying to buy our happiness; letting marketers tell us how we feel about the world rather than encouraging major moral lessons from throughout the ages to challenge us on our weaknesses; refusing to accept that life is suffering; asking self-care to be a plaster for everything we don’t have) and b) what we’re not doing (joining together to stand against those with more money and power; protecting the people who have even less power and voice than we do as a matter of course; learning from history; protecting nature above all else; prioritising going for walks; learning to repair things and campaigning to make things repairable; having a basic belief in human dignity for all, not just those with whom we agree; accepting that truly, we are all different and no amount of shaming or disgust will change that; working to shape our societies, culture, economies, production, food supplies and communications around improving — not just sustaining — the air, water and land, and fighting to ensure all of those new shapes protect women and children).

Individualism has morphed into something so completely self-destructive that we’ve forgotten we need nature more than anything — literally, more than anything — and we need to unionise and unite and put aside differences and work together even with people we don’t like. 

Because when there are wicked people in power, when it’s genuinely exhausting to think about all the corrupt, venal, toxic, divisive, false, and cruel things they have done since coming to power, those people love to watch everyone below pointing their fingers at one another, saying, You, You’re The Enemy, You’re The Problem, while corrupt populist leaders rub their bellies and chuckle at another promise broken, another mass death on their hands, another building site on a protected forest. Do you understand the stakes here? Do you understand that it’s actual survival? It’s not about being right any more, it’s not about besting someone in the argument. It’s about having decision makers who can not only ensure there is still food to eat and air to breathe, but that relations both within a country and between countries are built on care, and support, and compassion, and believing in human dignity. And while it sounds wishy-washy and hands-clappy it’s the schmaltzy, sentimental truth. It’s the only one, really. 

If we instead continue to believe every single day that my feelings are the most important, that my beliefs are the right ones, that I’ve got to prove those baddies there are evil and awful and wrong, then honestly, what the fuck? If we’re happy to live in a country where hostile architecture is the starting point for all public builds, where we send refugee boats away from our shores, where affiliate links are a career goal, where we haven’t stormed the Daily Mail offices with accounts of all our lovely immigrant friends and family and had a huge feast together and compared our long and tangled family trees, then come on. It’s only a race to the bottom if we all keep running. 

Because, pressingly, whatever the spark of a major global conflict — assassination, fuel shortages, hyperinflation, invasion — the kindling is almost always a populace fed pure hatred for months, for years, until they can’t even taste it anymore but are ready to spew it out again, and are ready to use another populace as the receptacle. And hatred is brewed up in silence and isolation, and in the ashes of bridges burned between disparate groups. 

And on that note, I’m not a conspiracy theorist, mainly because I don’t believe governments are generally competent enough to manage Grand Plans, but it’s annoying that technology and social trends and culture have developed in such a way that no one knocks on anyone’s door for a chat as a matter of course now, that it’s a given that a ringing phone triggers anxiety, that it’s not the norm for cups of tea with your neighbours, that we don’t know each other’s neighbourhoods, that we don’t even talk on the phone, with live words and intonation and synchronised laughter, but in text, in WhatsApp chats, in tapped out words and symbols that we know can be screen-grabbed and misinterpreted, that we know are kept, filtered and sold by the tech companies. It’s not a conspiracy. It’s just a reality that every single one of us can choose to do differently. 

Sometimes exactly the right thing comes along at the right time. All of us here watched About a Boy at the weekend, a film which is so wonkily weighted and oddly rhythmed, but a perfect depiction of everything I’m banging on about here. Hugh Grant’s character likes being alone. He’s happy that way. It suits him. It’s his choice. Then, between one thing and another, he finds himself drawn into a world of a suicidal single mother, a duck-murdering young boy, more single mothers, more tricky teens, plus exes and mothers-in-law and awkward support groups. And it turns out that actually, being with people is better. Being uncomfortable often develops you as a person. Constantly prioritising only yourself produces a waxen, pointless baby. Making shared sacrifices might just be the point of being alive. Remember that to be human is to be flawed. That no one is ever completely right, and no one is ever completely wrong. That the boring stuff makes us feel good, and the glossy stuff, if all we strive for is gloss, doesn’t. 

If you want anything practical, here are the things that have really helped me over the last few years:

Writing a letter or email regularly to my MP, to CEOs of organisations, to anyone I want to communicate my strong feelings and how I’d like things to be done better. Tweeting eats your soul. It’s a horrible myth the media pretends is important. It really, really isn’t.

Inviting people to go in front of me in queues, in traffic, getting on to buses and trains. It lowers my stress levels right down.

Learning the names of my neighbours and people I meet regularly on walks and letting them learn mine. (I definitely haven’t just decided I loathe a neighbour because they cut a bird-hatching tree down in their garden on the last day of the year it was legal to do so. It’s fine.)

Joining a few political parties, and the closest thing I have to a union

Making something, anything — everything can be done with love, and learning to not get sucked into the capitalist conceit of having to make it perfect, sellable, exhibitable is a genuine gift to yourself; making a cake or a film or a coaster and not putting it on social media, letting it be ugly or serviceless and loving it anyway. I felt extremely overwhelmed the other evening, but instead of doom-scrolling I knitted a… I don’t know, something flat and woollen, and it helped to have my hands and eyes working on directionless introspective creation. 

Trying to stop hating. Every time I want to tell a negative story in my head about someone, I attempt to turn it into something positive: how unhappy that person must be, what they must be missing out on. It’s so nauseatingly Pollyanna-ish, and of course it isn’t always successful, and of course every single day brings a hundred thousand examples of cruelty and injustice and wickedness, but the alternative only makes my life feel worse, so why would I indulge that? 

Teaching myself the names of birds, trees, flowers, clouds and constellations. I’m still at the most basic levels on all of these, but the difference one feels in the world when you can name things  — let alone use them and know their stories — is a very real sort of magic. (For that reason I hope to read this book very soon.) This episode of The Cut is also good on the wonder and power of learning the names of the weeds that grow in your nearest pavement crack. 

4. Creating anything is always a gamble, isn’t it, but writing a book you actually like for once and seeing it slowly and beautifully sink to the bottom of a river never to be seen again is ever so slightly crushing. However, it turns out even Thom Yorke feels that way, so I am comforted. 

5. I’m sure I’ve mentioned plenty of these before, but if you want some suggestions of where to find joy, here are my favourites from the last year or so:

I was given Lucy Easthope’s book, When the Dust Settles, for work recently, and I was surprised and delighted to discover the most uplifting, hopeful, human and rightfully angry book I’ve read in a long time. Do yourself a favour and preorder it. I bought this other book for my own birthday, gave it to a housemate to give to me, forgot about it, and was delighted to later unwrap He Used Thought As A Wife. Laughed a lot, cried twice. Marvellous. 

Now even the youngest housemate here can recite John Finnemore sketches and sing the songs. Has also taught them various composers, gods, logical fallacies and gothic story tropes. Also v funny. Oh, Kate Beaton! Her two books (Hark! A Vagrant and Step Aside Pops) are a bit like a comic-book version of Finnemore, but swearier and sexier and utterly unsuitable for all the housemates who have read it and been educated about the Brontes, Katherine Sui Fun Cheung, Tom Longboat, Nancy Drew, Ida B. Wells, Sacagawea, and the Borgias. 

Had to give Inside a restraining order against me for the sake of us all, but Bo Burnham’s Eighth Grade is a masterpiece of writing, acting, sound design and optimism. Spy is dumb action comedy polished to perfection, and Yasujirō Ozu’s Good Morning seems like the inspiration for almost all US arthouse films since 1990, and is also beautiful, funny, thoughtful, and good. 

Taylor Swift’s Evermore, like all brilliant albums, isn’t completely perfect. But most of the songs are. And Hole’s classic Live Through This is still just ideal for turning up very, very loud after a tricky day, for the enjoyment of any neighbours who may have hacked down a bird-friendly tree on the last day of February. 

Watched both series of Liam Williams’ Ladhood when I had a week off this summer, and really relished the location, the intention, and the writing. More please. 

Miles Jupp and Justin Edwards continue to be my comforting bedtime listening in In and Out of the Kitchen. Has it ruined Nigel Slater for me? Well, a bit, but no more than any of us deserved. 

I thought this would be a book I’d mumble through the first chapter of, then let get buried in my To Read pile, never to re-open. Instead, I found Whatever Happened to Margo? laugh-out-loud funny, drily written, and full of humanity. Excellent Women has made me want to read everything written by Barbara Pym, a goal I am slowly but surely working towards. 

6. I’ve spent the last few years trying to find hazelnut trees, and finally found a copse between a car park and a play area, full of nuts the squirrels hadn’t noticed. Now I’ve found them, the spell has been cast and I see hazel trees everywhere, on walks and on pavements and running along motorway slip roads. A tray of green and brown frilled hazelnuts now dries with the laundry. They are so beautiful. 

[husbandograveyard]

Matchup for @doctorgerth​

Here’s my info for ya, Hazel! - 23 - Heterosexual, into men! - INFJ - Cancer - Shoulder length light brown hair, dark green eyes, 5’9”, on the thick/curvy side - I’m assuming this is clothing? I’m usually a comfy cute/casual kinda style! Like shorts and a T-shirt or skinny jeans and a cute top! I wear baseball caps a lot when I’m too lazy to do anything with my hair lol - hobbies include writing (obviously lol), playing with my kitties, traveling, and watching cooking shows! interests include traveling (I just love going places), nature, animals, children, and eating! 😂 - uhhhh I have two cats lol and I can play clarinet - favorite food is pasta for sure, more specifically an Alfredo. my favorite color is light blue/pastel colors. my favorite animals include cats, foxes, and whale sharks! - I’m terribly afraid of heights and spiders. Also I’m a big people pleaser so I’m scared of letting people down. Though I’m going to be a teacher, I’m actually quite scared of speaking to large crowds lol little kids don’t bother me, but talking to a large crowd of people my age or older, yeah I don’t like that. I’ll do it if I have to of course, but not without internally panicking lol - My dream is actually in the works as I am becoming a teacher!! Other than this, I want to travel as much as possible while I can. If I can’t go out of the country, my dream is to visit all states in the continental US!! After getting everything I want to do done, I want to settle down somewhere, continue to teach, and have a family. ❤️ - As for extra stuff...as you can probably tell, I can be a bit overly emotional and sensitive, but that makes me very empathetic and loving! Introverted where I do like alone time but not to the point where I always want to be home by myself. I also love adventures like kayaking, or going to museums/zoos/aquariums, theme parks, or just traveling and experiencing new places! Very into stargazing and astronomy. I also love being on or near the water! I’m not the best at making friends just because I'm a lil awkward and anxious around new people. I prefer my small clique over having lots of friends, but I’m always friendly to strangers/others as long as they are friendly to me! I am definitely the mom of my friends, making sure they’re always safe, sound, and happy. People tend to compliment me on the fact that I’m easy to talk to. I may not ever have the best advice, but I am always willing to listen to someone vent, rant, or just talk about their feelings! I live for small get togethers with friends rather than large parties. I’m pretty low-maintenance, so I never expect fancy dates or expensive gifts! I’m always down for staying at home with movies and home-made dinners! Total cat mom, I love my and all fur babies. I’m also studying to be an elementary teacher so I love little kids! Big big heart for animals and children! All in all, I’m a really laid back person who loves deep, personal connections with people, and also my alone time every now and then! I tend to fall in love pretty easily and thus get my feelings hurt just as easy lol but when I fall in love I always fall head first, full force to make sure my s/o is happy! I definitely put my all when it comes to love in relationships. My love language is physical touch so my man (and friends to an extent) should expect lots of physical affection from me!! Kisses, hugs, cuddles, all of it! SOOOO excited for get a matchup from you, my darling!! Thank you for the opportunity! 💖

aaaa Coop! I am super hyped for this, I hope you like your match, I always love the wonderful ones you do 🐵! Although I will always ship Cooler, for a more realistic relationship I match you with...

OTP:  Marco The Phoenix 

Marco, as a pirate, is super adventurous, ready to take you on all sorts of adventures. But after all is seen and most adventures lived, he’s just as much ready to just settle down, start a family, whether it be furbabies, adopted kids or of your own. He takes after his pops, kids are definitely on the list!

You take care of him whenever he works too long and forgets to eat or sleep, he takes care of you whenever you feel like you need to unwind. Since you’re both easy to talk to and share the same kind of energy, you can just unwind by talking with each other, cuddling on the couch or in bed while you just relay your days onto each other, neither of you feeling like you’re unloading. 

You surprise each other with small tokens of appreciation, such as homemade lunches with sweet notes, surprise visits whenever you thought the other one was working. You never go sleep without saying goodnight, and never leave without saying good morning, even if its just a kiss on the forehead of whoever is sleeping. 

There are barely any fights or arguments. You both have certain maturity and know how to communicate with people. Whenever something does go wrong, you can settle for a mature discussion and even agree to disagree whenever it’s not a deal breaker. Willing to make compromises and working towards personal growth makes this relationship stable and healthy, even after the honeymoon phase is over, you still stay deeply in love, just because you connect so well. 

Since you’re both busy working, you respect each other’s alone time and privacy, but at the same time plan in moments that are meant for just the two of you. Whether it’s actual dates (hiking trip, visiting a cool island nearby, walks on the beach, visiting your favorite restaurant or bar) or just spending a quiet evening at home where you both temporarily forget about work and enjoy each other’s presence and company. It’s the best way to keep your stress level down, and establishes healthy communication and best of all, makes sure that you’re never too long without stolen kisses, nice cuddles and all other physical touches you need to feel completely relaxed and happy! 

Runner up:  X Drake

There are quite the few places where X Drake checks off all the marks you need: adventurous, love for animals, stargazing while being able to tell you all the names of the stars and constellations that you can see that day, a certain maturity... You could make quite the good couple! 

With Drake, most of your time would be spent outside, he doesn’t like being holed up too much. Hiking, being at sea, nightly walks under the night sky, walks around town, discovering new islands and doing some exploring... those will be your most frequent dates. 

Drake is honest and straightforward, no beating around the bush. He respects you, your needs and your personal space and will do everything in his power to make sure you are happy and comfortable even in the most difficult times. Those are bound to happen because of his lifestyle, but he will do his best to make sure you won’t suffer under it. 

why he is not your number one: Drake is.... not used to physical affection, to give a bit of an understatement. He gets flustered too easily and will tend to push you away, especially in public, but even in private he can get overwhelmed. Unfortunately, it may take a little too much time to get him used to your love language, you need someway to let out all that love! 

BrOTP: Bepo 

A little bit of an unusual friendship match, but Bepo and you have just the right amount of vibes in common to work out as great buddies! Both a little on the sensitive and softer side, you both are 100% there for each other when the other feels a little down or self-conscious. Comfort bear hugs? Incoming! 

Bepo and you can spend hours doing whatever activity you feel like doing, mostly something semi-active to keep both your minds and bodies occupied, while you each talk about your friends, your families and crews. You help him feel a little more confident in his abilities, and both of you are amazing in helping each other out when someone has come to you for advice but you need an outsider’s perspective. 

Even though you cannot spend an insane amount of time together generally because Bepo will 100% follow Law and wherever he goes, the moments you are able to meet up and catch up are worth it so much. It’s like your social batteries get reset, and you’re ready to take on everything in your life that was bothering you once again! 

[blackdragon-selfships]

My Decision: Thoughts, Theories, and Some Changes to how I do Things from here

Ok...so here it is. I’ve decided to keep F/O-ing Aaravos. What happened in season 3 wasn’t unexpected. The creators hinted numerous times about his role in season 3, and I knew something was coming. I just wasn’t sure how to process my feelings on it.

Warning: If you care about spoilers, don’t read any further. Spoilers for season 3 of The Dragon Prince is below.

I came to the conclusion it wasn’t that he did bad things...but who toward. That being Viren. The villain of the show. I like Viren as a character still, and I guess now I see what Jason Simpson (his VA) in an interview was saying. He likes Viren as the complicated villain he is...but if he wasn’t just joking around, he doesn’t feel the same about Aaravos. At least this season.

I think it’s because those that genuinely like Viren’s character (not agreeing with his actions, but not disliking him as a character) will have a harder time with the scenes where Aaravos is doing something to him. Like the webbed up eye so he could see Aaravos’ ghostly apparition or the scene where the caterpillar emerged from Viren’s mouth but much longer and larger...and then continued to change in the final episode. As well as the many times he used clever wordplay on Viren to steer his thoughts into bigger plans...plans I think Viren would have had already, but until he became king he didn’t have the power to go through with it and was still in the habit of not overstepping his boundaries.

Viren is capable of lying and could be lying to himself about what he wants from Xadia. He just got power, he doesn’t want to lose it over a risky decision...but Aaravos knows what Viren is like, and uses that to his advantage.

If you like Viren’s character...you’ll probably have a hard time still liking Aaravos in those scenes. Because Viren IS the bad guy...and Aaravos IS manipulating him slowly but surely. It still isn’t clear what this means, or why...but I’m sticking to my belief Aaravos’ role isn’t as a villain, but he is an antagonist. There’s a difference between the two.

The show creators say mixed things on him. In their Tweets we get quite a bit of subtle but ominous warnings...and a confession his design was an attack on the fandom, from Aaron Ehasz (show co-creator) as a joke. Then Ehasz repeatedly says throughout several interviews that Aaravos is very complicated, and has said once that Aaravos is “disliked, that’s not the same as bad.” This being in response to Justin Richmond (the other co-creator) saying “and obviously he’s bad enough they literally tried erasing him from the {history} books.” Ehasz’ exact response being “he’s complicated” and Richmond saying “he’s interesting enough they tried erasing him from the books.” Ending in the above line from Ehasz of “he’s disliked. That’s not the same as bad.”

He was making a clear distinction between the two words, probably anticipating the suspicions from the fans hearing or reading the interview of his (Aaravos’) place in the story. This doesn’t make him good either...canonically I can’t call Aaravos “good” in any sense right now. Except good at being sassy and a show-off. lol

But I won’t put him fully in the villain category. Sol Regem was willing to kill the future King of the Dragons and an elf of Xadia if they didn’t let him kill the human with them either way. Yet he’s in all the promotional posters for some reason as well as the prologue opening. That part, of course, is made more clear in the first episode of season 3, though. He was flying toward the Dark Mage from the prologue in episode 1 of season 1. Then flying blindly as his face was burning after the confrontation.

He’s clearly also important to the plot...but I can’t call him ‘bad’. Not great...but not a villain.

The last bit of evidence is Aaravos’ actual name. It’s of Danish and Arabic origin and means “between light and dark, not good or bad.” Every other name has been spot-on:

Callum-Dove King: He’s a Sky Mage, and the Skywing elves are strongly influenced by bird themes, much like Moonshadows have strong ninja themes and the Startouch...is literally covered in stars and wearing a constellation on his clothes. Callum is a Sky mage, doves are birds, and he’s working toward a peaceful future. Doves are a symbol of peace.

Ezran-Helper: Look how helpful he was this season especially!

Viren-Leader of heroes: Uh...ok I don’t know WHAT heroes...but he is a good leader. Say what you will about his character, he has leadership skills. Aaravos didn’t have to teach him that stuff.

Claudia-Lame: Ok this is a bit harsh...but it is the ‘crippled’ lame. She’s...not doing well now. She isn’t physically crippled, but mentally and emotionally she is pretty badly wounded.

Ziard-Wizard: He’s a Dark Mage. A wizard. Spot on.

Sol Regem-Sun King: They literally say his name meaning...SUN KING. He was a king of the dragons once and is an Archdragon of the Sun.

Zubeia-Beauty, grace any of those. She really fits that name. She is beautiful.

Avizandum-Reserve Judgement: I interpret that to mean on Aaravos. He locked him in the place behind the mirror because he isn’t sure how to deal with him yet before Viren and Harrow slay him (Avizandum.) Aaravos is literally in 300 year jail time right now, and Avizandum was still deciding if he should execute him or not for whatever he did.

That or he’s reserving judgment on humans, which is why he defends the border instead. We might find out eventually...cause that is still a mystery. Why is the king of the dragons guarding the boarder 24/7? I get he was basically the ruler of all of Xadia...but it’s still an odd choice.

Anyway, Aaravos. Names clearly mean things in this show. I think his is the hint that he seems bad right now, but he isn’t. He isn’t good, but he isn’t bad. I don’t know how they’ll pull that off...but I’ll be impressed if they do.

There was also still more evidence on a theory I have that he’s telling the story is true as well. In the prologue, he calls Avizandum by his human-given name: Thunder. He says “the humans called him Thunder. For when he spoke his voice shook the earth and the sky.” In the episode we learn what happened to Avizandum, Aaravos is the one to say the name, but Viren doesn’t recognize it.

Viren is the one that tells Aaravos what they called Avizandum. Which was “Thunder.” If Aaravos isn’t an omniscient narrator and has been imprisoned for 300 years or so...how would he know this in the prologue if he didn’t in that scene? Coupled with the opening sequence of his hands uncurling a map, the lighting and desk surface or the shade of blue of his skin being nothing like in his prison. I could be wrong, and while I’d be disappointed to be...oh well.

What I’m saying is...Aaravos lives to tell the story if my theory is right. Which means he isn’t bad enough the writers have to kill him or something else...I don’t know how they’ll do it if it’s true, but I will be quite interested to see it.

Aside from the Sunfire elves in Lux Area, who I don’t think deserved what happened, his actions are all for a purpose related to what’s happening...but if we knew his perspective maybe it would seem less like a random evil act, which contradicts him being complex if it was just a show of his power and how ruthless he can be. Because from our perspective there wasn’t a reason to kill the Sun Queen other than “look how evil he is! Oooh!” Which doesn’t go along with the information we’ve been given so far. There’s more to this scene, I’m sure. Though it could just be that he killed her so she couldn’t reveal what he whispered in her ear...which was also a strange move. See? He’s complicated and there are still a lot of mysteries surrounding him and his actions. Aside from that, the only one Aaravos has done much of anything to is Viren. Anything kind of graphic and sort of gross (at least with the caterpillar.) Who is again...the Bad Guy.

So all that to say...yes, I’m going to keep him as an f/o. But in doing so I’m ignoring the show canon on this blog. As in I won’t be trying to work my S/I into the narrative as much anymore for the time being. I’m going to treat the blog similar to how @justafictionalthing​ where I don’t worry about canon or accuracy to the character’s personality in the source material to a T. I still love the show, don’t misunderstand. I’m going to watch it to the end of the saga, whatever happens...but on this blog, for the time being, I’m treating it like the Aaravos here and the canon are separate.

My Aaravos, the interpretation on this blog, is aware of his source material. If anyone’s read Inkheart, think of it like that. Fictional character comes out of their source material but still exists in the story itself as well. I might make a little story or something explaining this, but that’s the angle I’m going for in all future Takeovers and commentary.

I don’t dislike his canon portrayal, I know he’s more than what we saw...but for the blog it just doesn’t work right now. My S/I would never be ok with what he’s been doing...and keeping it hidden from her goes into some risky territory... I like that kind of stuff if there’s a happy ending payoff, but for the overall blog and my way of selfshipping, which has turned more “I’m actually with this character, not just writing myself in their story,” it doesn’t work.

TL;DR: I don’t hate or even dislike canon!Aaravos, but he doesn’t work well with what I want on this blog. I’m still with him, but the version you guys have gotten to know on this blog. Sassy but friendly and knowledgeable, and now separated from his source material almost Inkheart-style.

I’m too attached to who he is now from relationship development to drop this. I still like his canon self, but he’s changed a lot on this blog. If you don’t like that, watch the show for the ‘true’ Aaravos experience. Nothing but soft and sassy here for now. With some dark stuff if I’m in the mood for it.

[sweatywolftiger-blog]

Pedophilia is a sexual orientation

“By the above definition of sexual orientation and most common definitions of sexual orientation pedophilia can be viewed as a sexual age orientation based on the more limited evidence available regarding its age of onset, associations with sexual and romantic behavior, and stability over time. Though there are clearly differences in some respects, there are also striking similarities in the research literature on pedophilia.”

“Minor attraction is a complex sexual phenomenon that is best conceived of as a sexual orientation. Minor-attracted people appear to experience their sexuality in much the same way adult-attracted people do, albeit towards a socially unacceptable target. Given the somewhat arbitrary nature of this social distinction, the basis for the pathologization of minor attraction is questionable. The current study adds to evidence of similarities between minor attraction and other sexual minority orientations. It also shows that the experiences of minor-attracted people are quite varied. By using a non-forensic, non-clinical sample I have been able to capture a much broader range of experiences. This has illuminated not only the hardships that many minorattracted people face, but also the ways in which some have succeeded in overcoming or avoiding these hardships. This provides hope that minor-attracted people are not doomed to live unhappy lives, despite the intense stigma they face.”

“Pedophilia as a Sexual Orientation

DSM-5 did not err in referring to Pedophilia as a sexual orientation. In diagnosing any psychiatric disorder (including a Pedophilic Disorder), ordinarily the intent is to guide patient care, management, and research. In discussing the diagnostic features of individuals who are sexually attracted to prepubescent children, DSM-5 notes that some could be said to have a pedophilic sexual orientation. The term sexual orientation ordinarily reflects an individual’s subjective awareness of the category (or categories) of persons toward whom he or she is erotically attracted. Clinically, there are individuals (many of whom are described as having Pedophilia) who report a subjective awareness of being erotically attracted (either exclusively or in part) toward a category of individuals comprised of prepubescent children. Many report experiencing those attractions as unchosen in a fashion that seems very much like an orientation. That such attractions are often unwanted does not alter their resemblance to an orientation.”

Therapy is about self acceptance and having a community.

“The best treatment for the isolated minority syndrome is obviously group therapy or self-help organizations. Experienced members of such groups can function as positive identification models for less experienced members with the same or a similar paraphilia, and teach them how to find a matching partner and how to live a sex life that is satisfying to both parties. The formation of such organizations for all common paraphilias should be encouraged and supported, and any person who suffers from the isolated minority syndrome should be encouraged to become a member of such organizations and subscribe to their publications.”

This is an email sent to Discord after they terminated a discord group made for MAPs.

“Professionals helped some of these men accept their pedophilic interests by separating their sexual attraction from their sexual behavior and by managing their sense of selves (e.g., distancing themselves from stories of “child rapists” [25 p8]). Engaging with other pedophilic individuals helped these men see that others with their interests were able to avoid offending, which brought a sense of hope. Having other social supports that knew about their interests helped because their supports could help them maintain boundaries with children, challenge potentially distorted thinking, and provide them with feedback regarding their behavior with children.”

“The preferred model of treatment is LGBT affirmative psychotherapy, which  treats sexual feelings as innate, unchangeable and subject to personal acceptance. The American Psychological Association provides guidelines on its website (see below). Applied to the minor-attracted person, affirmative therapy separates sexual orientation from its expression, emphasizing acceptance and personal growth. This in no way endorses sexual contact between adults and minors.

Awareness of the shame, stigma and fear of exposure that MAPs experience due to their sexual and emotional feelings is crucial to treatment.”

Child molesters are more likely not MAPs.

“Two groups of those sexually offending against children can be distinguished:

▪ Those showing no sexual preference disorder, but who, for different reasons, sexually abuse children seeking a surrogate. This group comprises e.g. sexually inexperienced adolescents, mentally retarded persons, those with anti-social personality disorders and perpetrators within general traumatizing family constellations – and accounts for approximately 60% of officially known offenders;

▪ Those showing a sexual preference disorder, namely pedophilia (erotic preference for prepubescent minors, i.e. showing Tanner stage 1) or hebephilia (erotic preference for pubescent minors, i.e. showing Tanner stages 2 and 3). These account for approximately 40% of officially known offenders.”

Seto & Lalumi`ere (2001) found that 40% of a sample of 1113 sex offenders showed equal or greater sexual arousal to stimuli depicting children compared with stimuli depicting adults.

Maletzky & Steinhauser (2002) reported that 43% of the 5223 sex offenders in their sample were diagnosed as pedophiles on the basis of their sexual offense histories

Estimates for the rate of pedophilia in detected child molesters generally range between 25% and 50%.

A 2006 study found that 35% of its sample of child molesters were pedophilic

MAPs are oppressed in our society for being MAPs.

“"How in the world can anyone go through every day living with this curse and not want to fling themselves off the nearest bridge on a daily basis?”

“When you have a sexual preference that is as stigmatizing as pedophilia, then there’s nowhere to go with it, there’s no one to really talk to about it,” said Professor Michael Miner, one of the study’s co-authors. “So you stew in your isolation, which certainly makes one depressed.”

Todd Nickerson is a 42-year-old pedophile from Tennessee. Struggling to come to terms with his sexual identity caused him many years of crippling depression. “I look back on it now and find it amazing that I never got to the point where I picked up a gun and ended it,” he told me. “There were days when I got up and it was all I could think about. I’d tell myself, ‘I just want to die. I just want to die.’ All day, for days on end.”“

"An innocent man was viciously beaten and then burned to death by vigilante neighbours who wrongly believed rumours that he was a paedophile.”

“The grieving family of a man found hanged in a cemetery claim he was driven to suicide following paedophile accusations on Facebook.”

Sexualizing children in fictional stuff harms no one. Yes, it’s okay to portray children in sexual themes, as long as you don’t show any sexual stuff to an actual child and you don’t touch inappropriately a child or be involved in a romantic relationship with a child.

"The most dramatic decrease in sex crimes was seen when attention was focused on the number and age of rapists and victims among younger groups (Table 2). We hypothesized that the increase in pornography, without age restriction and in comics, if it had any detrimental effect, would most negatively influence younger individuals. Just the opposite occurred. The number of juvenile offenders dramatically dropped every period reviewed from 1,803 perpetrators in 1972 to a low of 264 in 1995; a drop of some 85% (Table 1). The number of victims also decreased particularly among the females younger than 13 (Table 2). In 1972, 8.3% of the victims were younger than 13. In 1995 the percentage of victims younger than 13 years of age dropped to 4.0%.

In 1972, 33.3 % of the offenders were between 14-19 years of age; by 1995 that percentage had decreased to 9.6%. Thus, over the period in question, there was a major shift in the proportion of victims and offenders from the younger categories to older categories.”

In regards to all sexualities, fictional content and violent fantasies don’t harm anyone, it has even beneficial outcomes.

“Taken together, these findings are offered in support of the hypothesis that the occurrence of force fantasies, rather than resulting from an attempt to deal with sexual guilt, represents one of a number of ways in which some women demonstrate a relatively open, unrestricted, and varied approach to their sexuality.”

“Pornography continues to be a contentious matter with those on the one side arguing it detrimental to society while others argue it is pleasurable to many and a feature of free speech. The advent of the Internet with the ready availability of sexually explicit materials thereon particularly has seemed to raise questions of its influence. Following the effects of a new law in the Czech Republic that allowed pornography to a society previously having forbidden it allowed us to monitor the change in sex related crime that followed the change. As found in all other countries in which the phenomenon has been studied, rape and other sex crimes did not increase. Of particular note is that this country, like Denmark and Japan, had a prolonged interval during which possession of child pornography was not illegal and, like those other countries, showed a significant decrease in the incidence of child sex abuse.”

“His first work on the subject, Studies on Pornography and sex crimes in Denmark (1970), was a scientific report ordered by the United States’ President’s Commission on Obscenity and Pornography. It found that the legalizing of pornography in Denmark had not (as had been expected) resulted in an increase in sex crimes.[4]”

[finding-my-imagination]

Family Ties (Pt. 3)

Part Three

Pan x Reader

Part Three

Part Four

There is a small trigger warning for this part (looks like this *** Trigger Warning*** will be posted before and after the scene, it is for if you want to skip it.)

The group turned towards Hook and began to ask him a million questions, each one trying to talk over the other. I watched the madness slowly unfold for a few minutes, truly enjoying the look of pure panic filling Hooks face as he watched Emma. After a while, I grew bored of waiting for him to answer their questions. “Hey!” I yelled, grabbing their attention. “For being the only adults on this island, your all acting like the whiniest babies I’ve ever met.” “Well, what did you expect? You just dropped a bomb of hidden information on us.” Emma said. “Emma, I can explain.” Hook whispered. “I don’t want you to explain! I don’t trust you anymore.” “But, Swan-” “No! All this time you had a daughter, and you didn’t tell any of us. And your daughter has a direct connection to the guy who took my son.” “Oh, quit being so over dramatic.” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Pan’s not that bad.” “Are you kidding me?! He literally hired people to kidnap Henry!” “Maybe. But without him, I’d probably be dead.” “I don’t believe that for a second.” Emma snapped. “It’s the truth.” “How?” She questioned. “Simple. Would you like to tell them or should I?” I asked as I looked at Hook. He gave me a look full of misery like I was the one that ruined his life. Drama Queen. “It all started when I was two. Like I said my mother died, and when she did Hook changed. He became obsessed. Obsessed with drinking, obsessed with finding the dark one, obsessed with revenge�� And yes I know he’s a pirate.” I snapped. “But this was different. I’ll remind you all, that I was raised on the Jolly Rodger. I was constantly surrounded by pirates. And he could out drink them all.” I said. “I don’t have a lot of memories from when I was two, but the one I do have, He was completely different. He was always smiling, he was always happy, he was always there. But when she died it was like he couldn’t even look at me, like he couldn’t be in the same room as me. I was always alone. And years went by like that. Then when I was about fifteen Smee, one of the pirates on the ship, stepped in. He started to act like the father that Hook wasn’t. Since I lived all of my life under the deck on the Jolly Rodger, I didn’t learn much. Hell, the only time I wasn’t under that deck was when everybody else went to shore. But one day Smee sat me down and spent hours trying to teach me how to read. It took weeks, but he never gave up, he never quit. He constantly told me I could do it, as long as I wanted it, and as long as I tried hard enough.  And the moment I finally got it, he started to teach me how to write, first in print, then in cursive. It was the first time in my life I felt important, that I felt loved. And it stayed like that for about a year and a half. He taught me one thing after the other, like how to draw, paint, cook, sword fight, and other stuff like that. It was the best year of my life.” I whispered. “But then, out of nowhere, he stopped. He stopped coming by, stopped teaching me things, stopped saying hello when he walked past my room, everything just stopped. And it was like I didn’t exist anymore. Again. I was worried that something had happened to him. So I went looking for him, which could have gotten me into a lot of shit, since Hook didn’t want me anywhere but my room. It took me a while, but when I finally found him, I was relieved. Then I was hurt. Because that meant that he stopped coming by cause he wanted to, not because something terrible happened. So I decided to confront him, ask him why. But the moment he saw me, a look of pure fear washed over his face. He didn’t say a word to me as he pushed me back below the deck, almost like he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. He quickly shoved me in my room, but right before he closed my he looked me in the eye and said ‘Im sorry but, your father thinks this is for the best.’ then he shut the door. And that. Broke. My. Heart.” As I spoke those words a tear slowly left my eye. “The only person who ever treated me like family just walked away, with no plans of ever coming back. All because my actual family wanted me to be just as lonely and miserable as him.” I spit out. I looked up at the group of people in front of me, and saw that each of their faces were full of pity, I then angrily wiped away the tears that rested upon my face. “But surprisingly enough, that wasn’t the moment that made me hate Hook. It should have been, but I couldn’t. At the time all I could think was that I already lost some of my family. and I wasn’t willing to lose anymore. So to distract myself from the loneliness, I read. I read book, after book, after book. And that’s when Pan showed up…” *FlashBack* I sat on my bed, reading the last few pages of my favorite book. I was passing the time waiting for Hook to dock the ship, so he and the other pirates could head to the nearest pub for the night. About an hour later I notice the absence of cheering, shouting and slurs. I sat down my book and climbed out of bed, before heading out of my bedroom and towards the stairs that lead to the deck. I walked towards the bow of the ship, and once I reached the center I lied down and looked up at the stars, trying to remember the names of the constellations I learned. “If that one’s Lepus, then that one should be Canis Major, Which means that that one is-” “Orion. My Personal favorite.” I jumped at the sound of an unfamiliar voice. I quickly turned around as I stood up. “Who the hell are you?!“I shouted. "Oh, did I forget to introduce myself? I’m Peter. Peter Pan” “What do you want?” I questioned. “For someone whose ship was just bored without permission, you seem oddly calm.” He noted. “It’s cause I’m not worried.” “And why’s that?” He questioned. “I mean you’re a girl. A girl whose all alone with a strange boy that you don’t know. I would deem that quite a dangerous situation, don’t you think?” “I maybe a girl, but I was raised on this ship. I am constantly surrounded by pirates. Men way more dangerous them some kid. Now you didn’t answer my question. What do you want.” “You.” “What?” “I want you, to come with me.” “Are you out of your mind?” “Quite the opposite actually.” He said as he began to walk closer to me. “I want to take you to a place for kids like you.” He said as he stopped in front of me. “What do you mean kids like me?” “Kids who feel alone, unloved… lost.” “You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not any of those things.” “I may not have any girls on my island, but I know a lost soul when I see one. A lost girl.” “I’m not lost! what part of that don’t you get.” I said as I quickly turned away from him. “You’ll realize it soon enough. But until then I’ll be stopping by.” “Why can’t you just-” I began to yell as I turn to face him again. “-go away…” I whispered as I realized no one was there. The following days were filled with questions and self-dought. Was I lost? Did I really feel unloved? Was this Pan person right? It didn’t matter though, Cause Hook was my dad. My family and family stick together. They don’t abandon each other. A few weeks had past and Pan kept his promise, he visited at least once a week. And every time he would ask me to join his group of lost boys. And even though I denied his offer every time, we ended up bonding. A few days had passed since Pans last visit, when I was laying in my bed trying to fall asleep, but the pirates on the deck above me were being too loud for me to sleep. As I went to turn to face my wall I let out a startled scream. There lying in my bed, facing me, was none other than Peter Pan himself. “God! What is wrong with you?!” I yelled as I smacked his arm. “You can’t just sneak up on people like that!” He just laughed and brushed it off as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders to pulled me in for a hug. “I’m sorry… Were you trying to sleep?” He said smirking. “You know damn well I was trying to sleep.” I replied back, smiling. “I bet you were planning on dreaming about me weren’t you?” “You’re such a flirt!” I say with a grin on my face. “You aren’t denying it.” He mocked with a smirk. “Oh, grow up.” “That not how it works, and if you came to Neverland you’d get to experience it to.” Pan said looking me in the eye. “You know I can’t do that. I can’t leave my dad. I’m all he gots.” “ You don’t belong here. We both know it, even if you don’t want to admit it. Just come with me. To a home where you’re wanted, and needed. Where you’ll be loved more than you ever could be here.” Pan begged. I turned away from him then got out of the bed and stood by the window. “I think it’s time for you to go.” A look of sorrow filled his face as he got up and stood next to me. “Fine, but if you change your mind just say the word and I’ll take you away.” He unlatched the window then pushed it open. But before he left, he turned towards me and softly caressed my cheek. His eyes shifted from mine to my lips only to return to my eyes once again, as if asking for permission to do the one thing we had both been craving. Just before I could agree, a loud pair of footsteps could be heard making their way towards my door. Instantly I was in a blind panic. “You have to go. Now.” I urged. “But-” “No. Now.” I said as I rushed him to leave. “Please.” “Just say the word, and I’ll be back.” He said before shooting me one last glance and escaping into the darkness of the night. I quickly shut the window, just as my door was kicked open. I turned to face the door and saw one of the newer Pirates walked in. *** Trigger Warning *** “Can I help you?” I questioned skeptically. “I can think of a few ways, you could help me out…” He said with a disgusting look on his face. “I think you should leave…” I whispered. “I don’t think so.” He began to approach me as I pressed myself closer to the window. My heart began to race faster and faster with every step he took. I began to scream for help as he grew closer. He grabbed my arm and began to drag me towards the bed. I yanked on his hand trying to pull it off of me. My life flashed before my eyes as I thought about what was about to happen. I continued to struggle and pray for someone to save me. Anyone. ***Trigger Warning Over *** Then out of nowhere a strange burst of light flashed throughout the room. I tightly shut my eyes, preventing the light from entering. When I opened my eyes I say the pirate fly across the room and out of my bedroom door. “What the fuck was that?!” I thought as I looked down at my hands and quickly stumbled toward the door, Just as I was about to close the door and lock It I glanced toward the stairs and saw him. Hook. Just sitting there, shining his hook. I stared at him with a look of disbelief and then a look of hatred. “Are you KIDDING me! He was just… He was going to… FUCK YOU HOOK. I hope you rot in Davy Jones locker.” I swore as I slammed the door shut and locked it. After the door was locked I sat on my bed and I raked my hands through my hair trying to relax. Then a loud slam came from outside the door, then another, and another. And that’s when I realized what was happening. The pirate was trying to break down the door I quickly stood from my bed and backed towards the window. “Shit! What do I do? What Do I do?” I panicked.“Why didn’t I just go with Pan?!"  And that’s when I realized it. I rapidly turned around and pushed the window open. "PAN! PAN! Where the hell are you when I need you?!” I shouted. I whipped my head towards the door the pirate rammed against it again but this time it began to splinter against the pressure of his blows.  "Fuck! I believe god damn it!“ I screamed. When I turned to face the window again he was there, giving me a look of confusion. "What is going on?!” He questioned as the door began to give way. “I’ll tell you later. Just get me out of here.” *Flash Back Over* As I finished telling my story I looked upon the group of shocked and angry people. “Oh my God.” Snow whispered after I finished telling my story. “You were just going to let her get raped?!” Yelled Regina “Of course not. We may not be close, but she’s still my daughter.” Hook replied. “Really? Cause you looked pretty comfy on those stairs.” I said. “The reason I was on the stair was in case you couldn’t protect yourself. I knew you could though. You’re your mother’s daughter after all.” “What does she have to do with anything?” Emma questioned. “She was very powerful. With magic. She never used it, but when she did it was enchanting.” “Who was she?” Regina asked curiously. “She was the love of my life. Milah.” He whispered. “Wait isn’t that Neals mother?” Snow asked. “Aye. it is.” Hook replied. “That would mean that she… Is Henry’s aunt…” David said. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Stated Regina. “Wait. Wait. Wait. Who the hell is Neal?” I questioned.

[twinflameshardcore]

Sensory overload

I’ve been sensing you wanted me to write something so here it goes. The energy of the last 2-3 months is what I do not understand. It doesn’t feel new at all. It doesn’t feel as something I’d be familiar with either. It’s not a limbo because I feel I was placed somewhere. The space around feels like living in a a liquid, cloud, or inside a wind blow. The space is blurry. There’s nowhere to anchor or root into. My hands refuse to do what I want to do, like typing on a keyboard. I do so many typos that it’s frightening. I forget words, and words do not want to come when I want to write, specifically in another language. I even have problems with talking to people as i the brain didn’t remember how to make a sentence. Yet I’m not worried about it because I know there’s something being removed from my conditioned brain, the nervous system is being adjusted accordingly and I will be upgraded soon.

The twin flame merging continues and since May it had become extreme to the point that I have my twin around 24/7 because I feel him the same as when we spent time together when we met the first and only time so far, yet I cannot see him and we don’t talk either as regular humans :D He is in me, we are connected with some nerves, arms whatever you name it, no more only through the heart but with more parts of our bodies, yet we’re still on a distance but the ‘distance’ loses its meaning when it’s all happening so closely.

Dreamtime energy becomes a day energy sometime, they mix together that I can feel as if I was in one of those places I visited in my dreams, and it’s happening just as I dig in the garden or write at the desk. I can track that energy with the crown and 3rd eye and I can sometime tap into that ‘storyline’ to participate for a few seconds before I’m thrown out by my own logical brain ;)

I had a big fear of love one day too, which was unnatural. I felt I was afraid of loving, engaging, participating etc. that I no more wanted to be in any relationship. I don’t even know if it was my fear as I always wanted to be in a relationship, living together, whether married or not. Maybe it was the twin’s or the ego’s when it felt an intimate connection was coming. Then it all dissolved when I told myself - ‘keep your channels open, want the twin with all of your body and energy as you experienced him when we met in the physical back then’. And I did feel him exactly like that, the same exciting man I met, living around me, yet much more open, divine and understanding. The next day we were extremely close with the twin, not even in spirit, just very physically yet on a distance, no conversation. I could only explain it that our higher selves who are One somewhere up there in another dimension are coming down into us and are bringing their ‘together’  future timeline to replace this one of separation we've had for 4 years now. Which also may mean our next physical meeting is coming anytime this year.

A follow up was that we have lately had an amazing 5D sex which was super conscious, in spirit and as in the physical body but on a distance. Without even arranging it. It was as if we both decided at the same time that we wanted to unite like that. It literately reminded me what true sex is about, how sweating bodies feel, and all that energy exchange, the masculine connecting with the feminine, both enjoying own masculine energies (we’re androgynous as angelics), both allowing, giving, taking, etc. I‘ve had no sex life for the last 4 years, because I’m faithful to the twin, and so he is to me. It was so very intense that it kept me in this energy field the entire day and I wanted more as the twin wanted too (that’s an impression I received, like when you feel a man wants you). He must have realized that we could make love just on a distance, yet so openly.That morning we just grabbed each other, openly like never before, feeling each other very physically and knowing that the other on the other side of the planet participates with the same ‘knowing’ of what we’re doing. We didn’t have such an intense sex when we lived together for a while in the real life, we were stressed out, had little sleep due to a jetleg and overall, the room was far from perfection to get fully intimate with each other. But this new intensity means I’m going to have what I always desired and yet with my masculine twin sometime next ;)).

Other than that I’m having a sensory overload like a robot whose program was hacked, glitches in vision, hearing, motion, understanding what is what, and something new is being added to the program (or removed from) thus the robot refuses to perform because it doesn’t want to make a mistake. An issue of perfection comes up too, like looking for imperfections everywhere and stopping myself from engaging with this energy. Colors are too intense (red specifically like seen through special sun glasses for drivers which underline the red color/light). I feel too big for my room eventhough I’m a slim person. I’m sensing every little thing in my place separately, every shape, weight, color, and the space it occupies. My brain feels like a bucket of water, ‘waving’ inside, unable to focus. This is very overwhelming and sometimes I just can’t spend time indoor as if I had a claustrophobia.

I’ve also received a ‘message’ from my higher self that I’m becoming a master Draconian/Dragon whom I used to be before. So it’s like returning to own highest, most advanced, forgotten identity. I’m a master teacher born as number 33, in the year of the Fire Dragon, on Tuesday which is a day dedicated to Mars and all these attributes are not casual as I’ve been discovering since my awakening in 2012. I am not to teach others, but to educate myself. Master teachers can only teach or learn from other master teachers. It was even stranger when I had a trip to a city and I accidentally met a woman who was born a day before me (same month, different year, she was older) and she was also born as number 33 as we summed up on a calculator in her little shop! She was telling me about breatharians (folks who only drink water and get nutrition from the sun/light/air) and this term was on my mind for 3 days before I met her! So the two master teachers have met and energetically upgraded each other, talking spiritual stuff, shaking hands, exchanging views. Very unusual.

Next, a few days ago I felt as if there were many powers fighting inside of me, extreme chaos. I’m a very balanced person so it was annoying. Then I took some stick which was a plant supporter as I was re-potting one of my plants, and my body spontaneously started using it as in a fight, like those who practice martial arts with ease, quickly and efficiently! I fought with it for a while then I asked myself what the hell I was just doing. My higher self told me that it’s how DNA cleans and it projected my past life’s skills and that I had links with China, Japan and Mongolia and also with Thuban in the Draco constellation. I mean I figured it out before based on my interests and skills (gardening, calligraphy, ink illustration, collecting things, woodworking etc). I even felt once I died as a kamikaze which was a glorious death with speed and passion to annihilate the enemy, and I also experienced some kind of atomic war, a total destruction and radiation, whether during the last WWII or on another planet in the past. But this time it came along with a knowing that as a master I was trained also in martial arts on Thuban. I’m a positive Draconian (interestingly there’s more and more talk about positive Draconians online these days, like I said before, perhaps in this blog, after a separation with Reptilians, we Dracos were hiding for a reason until we’re fully understood and recalled). I had my ‘retirement’ and ‘rebirth’ on Eltanin which is the Draco’s eye and is in alignment with my birth day & location on Earth too. But my higher self told me that I spent a lot of time on Thuban in the Draco and I was studying, then teaching others - all kinds of things including a master degree in love making. I’m just wondering how many more incarnations will come out of me/my DNA this year, considering I’m a very old, billion years old soul... Most of these ancient skills have no use these days as I’m sitting home, waiting for my twin to start talking to me again :P

There are days when I feel in me a powerful, angelic being and I can radiate this excess of the heart’s energy to other people, to strangers, then a low energy comes from nowhere and I don’t know what to do next, or how I even got so high previously. I cannot believe that I signed up for that kind of relationship and awakening where nothing tells me what’s going on. I received all I should know until April 2017, and since then it’s over, no more channelings, no more research, synchronicities, being prompted to search and check in my own DNA/memory/heart if what I discovered was about myself too. I only see numbers 11:11, 33, 44 and 55 lately. 55 is a physical body connection (DaVinci’s Vitruvious man - 2 arms, 2 legs, 1 head - twins becoming one in the physical sense), 33 is a connection with the source of creation and us two into One - the heart connection, One with everything. 44 is probably some kind of establishing, fencing, solidifying, something about the external world. I read it’s an angelic number but I’m not very sure of its nature.

I lately also feel my room is crowded and noisy as if there were many invisible beings here, yet I’m not willing to talk to any as I don’t want to be bothered and I have no idea what they would want from me. I don’t find any of these energies attractive, or ancient family-like, in terms of galactic beings who could eventually come to be with me. There’s no love or recognition around, just confusion, and a spiritual noise.

Another example of the weirdness. Last night, actually this morning (07/03) I was attacked (visited ?) by something which wasn’t aggressive but was too close to me and it freaked me out. I heard a very high pitch, noise in both of my ears and hemispheres connected and I felt hot in the body. My crown chakra was tingling several times during that day and night. I was waking up a few times at night around 1-3 am and before 3 am I was finally ready to fell asleep. Then I felt something was behind me in my bed! I had a sodalite stone under the pillow and it really lets me jump through time and space spontaneously but apparently since something was opened between dimensions as I was shifting, some being might have glued to me. It was so fucking scary but I could still control it. So I felt I was falling asleep and all of sudden I wanted to roll on my back and there was a pressure of another being in my bed just as when you sleep with somebody and you roll onto them at night! And it wasn’t my twin as there as no loving connection. It wasn’t also me from another dimension trying to enter my body and fuse into One. I found it intrusive and my body was kind of paralyzed. Then quickly I-the spirit- the Draconian in me got fully conscious and it turned around inside my body towards that other ‘being’ behind and said all mean - ‘Get the fuck out of here. I AM the only owner of myself, of this version of me who sleeps in this bed. This is my place and nobody can be here without my approval. Get out now!’ Yet I and my spirit felt very weak, like I couldn’t find my original core fire which normally I would launch-fire up against that alien energy or at least scare it away. For the next 15 minutes I tried to stay awaken and I was sensing with my head ‘antennas’ if it was still around me, not even willing to roll on my back again. I felt it was still there, laughing and waiting, provoking me. So I finally turned the light on, grabbed a bunch of protective stones such as a black tourmaline, onyx, tourquise, jasper kambaba, hematite and I put them under my pillow replacing that damn sodalite. Then the room energy finally calmed down, whether it was a placebo effect or it really works. I then finally fell asleep not worrying about any other energies as I knew they couldn’t pass the ‘wall’ anymore. But when I woke up I was pissed how come something could still bother me and pass my personal protection zone if I’m such an important angel?? Why am I not protected enough?? It’s like discovering that you had all those protection systems up doing well for 40 years and somebody breaks in the ‘house’ nevertheless. Who dared? Who’s responsible for such a security breach?

I do not understand this current leg of the ascension path and I’m not taught  where I’m heading either. I asked for my mission, goal, whatever and everything remains silent. Simply put, I don’t like it now.

Finally, as a being of fire (seraph/fire Dragon) I‘ve been deeply disturbed by all these dramatic events which had taken lives of so many people lately. Such energy of shocked, burnt people enters the collective energy rapidly and they bring havoc to empath’s energy 'radars’. A death in fire is the most terrible for the body, the nerves. I kind of remember this from past lives (a witch or a Cathar, misjudged by the catholic church) or at least it’s very easy to me to tune in how it feels :/. During only 2 months, a few to hundreds of people have died in UK (Greenfell tower fire), Germany (today’s bus accident), Portugal (villagers captured on a road by raging bush fires), Pakistan (a fuel tanker explosion), and there was some other accident in the East as far as I’m concerned but that’s what I read on the news, there are many more which I don’t read (and I avoid reading news overall) but tese poor souls enter the global consciousness and they bring their fears which energy is hard to transmute. Fire misbehaves lately and is hard to control. Even when I lit a candle I see as if the fire wanted to leave the wick and walk its way. Fire is very unpredictable this year thus it needs an extreme caution to handle it. This is not the Universe’s will and not the Gaia’s clean up either. This is some evil energy, or a manifestation of people’s anger and frustration which materializes in the least expected places, against innocent people. An energy of a thought can make things happen. I don’t feel people who were killed in water, landslides or tornadoes, but a death in fire always shatters my inner balance, and I see no cure for this, other than to just to wait when it passes, usually after a day or two.

I have no need to write and read about twin flames lately because I’m waiting for things to clear up and crystallize myself too. It feels there’s some work to do yet but most of it will be processed by my soul/spirit who know what to do. When I tap into an article about current energy or twin flames, I skip because my higher self doesn’t want me to read or verify myself with other people’s experiences. Since many new people was forced to awaken this year, some of these articles completely do not apply to us, old asses who had been on the path for many years now. We have to trust our own guidance (the heart/higher mind) only from now on. My body needs to stay in a good shape and choose easy tasks to preserve own energy for ‘later’ but all the rest will be handled by my soul/spirit as it knows what, how and when. If once there’s pure bliss and extreme intimacy, and closeness with the twin, the other time I’m left to my own devices and I’m clueless to what I should be doing so it feels like being hit in the head. Glued then separated. It’s maddening. It’s been a reconfiguration of everything who we are and the outside world but I hope we’ll be satisfied in the end, together!

Until next time, and thank you for reading! :)

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[positivity-cafe-blog]

Interview with Ailsa Forlenza from Ailsa Marina Astrology

In our lives, it's important to have positive influences. Whether it's family, friends, or even celebrities, it's nice to have someone who we could always look up to for inspiration. One of those people in my life was Ailsa Forlenza, who I had the pleasure of working with for over two years. In addition to being a great person, she always maintained a positive attitude at work. No matter how much work was thrown at her, she always smiled and took it head on. She's always looking on the bright side of a situation, and she's the kind of optimist that more people should be.  In my years of working with her, I've never heard anyone say a single bad word about her. Ailsa describes herself as an "astrologer, healer, and writer".  She has her own astrology website, where you could learn about astrology, book a reading, or browse through her blog. From my understanding, she uses her love and knowledge of astrology to help spread good vibes and positivity. I recently got the chance to interview my good friend, so let's learn a bit more about who she is and what she does: What got you into astrology? Was it something that you've always been interested in, or something that became a passion in recent years?   To some degree, I have always been aware of astrology. I knew about my sun sign, and it had always made sense to me. I didn't dive into astrology until the year after I graduated from college, when I was still living in New York City and not necessarily going through the most positive time period in my life. I've always been a spiritual person, and because I was experiencing a "dark night of the soul" you could say, I started reading more spiritual blogs and articles, and I stumbled across the website Mystic Mamma, that posts an "astrological roundup" every month. It really blew my mind. Everything made sense to me. It helped me grapple with the difficulties I was facing, and gave me a context and language in which to work with these great inner and outer challenges. Once I moved back to Buffalo in 2013, I started listening to any astrology podcast I could get my hands on. My favorites ended up being Adam Sommer's Exploring Astrology, Chris Brennan's The Astrology Podcast, and Benjamin Bernstein's This Moment in Astrology. I loved the creative depth they gave to astrology. My first reading was in 2014 with Benjamin Bernstein. I think from that moment onward I hit a turning point that this was going to be something I paid more attention to and studied. I then started taking local classes with Cassandra Butler, and dove right into the craft. In 2015, I started studying with Adam Sommer and eventually got certified by him through his Apprenticeship Program. How have you used astrology to help maintain such a positive attitude and lifestyle?  I think one of the main points I'd like to bring up here is that life is in flux. There is shadow and there is light, and there are the stretches in-between. Each planet, house, sign, and aspect, has these shades of variability. When I analyze an astrology chart, or I'm looking at transits that could be difficult for us as a collective, a client, or me personally, I view it through this lens. Everything is in potential, it's how you apply your free will to wield it. Knowledge, to a degree, is power. By understanding what is happening astrologically, you can then wield it in your favor. Of course, life happens - and you can only do the best you can, we can’t control everything. But we can control how we respond to life, and astrology assists us with that. If I see that there's a difficult transit coming up ahead, for example in my chart, the planet Pluto will be crossing my North Node (a person's life path) in Capricorn in the Second House. If I wasn’t aware this was happening, and I was continuing to be a spendthrift and not looking at my finances or the way I value or see money, I could potentially go bankrupt. However, I am aware that the reason Pluto is crossing over my North Node in the Second House is to transform and transmute any and all limiting beliefs, attitudes, or outdated values related to my self-worth, finances, material goods, and wealth. This is not a light transit, it's heavy. It's already brought up many dark things. However, I understand how to wield it, and what Pluto asks for: transmutation, recycling, and a total overhaul. Pluto brings the deepest growth in an individual. Things that rock your soul - and this can be a very, very healthy thing. So I think as a whole, astrology gives me foresight, hindsight, and a way to approach life practically and objectively. It helps me stay in my power as an individual, which in turn I believe makes me lead a more positive lifestyle. What is your main goal with being an astrologer? Is it to help people to learn more about themselves, is it to help heal, or is it something totally different?   I have a few goals when it comes to being an astrologer...I definitely consider myself a healer first and foremost, and astrology is my main healing modality. Learning about oneself is healing oneself. I think we move through life so unconsciously sometimes, that when we have a problem or habit we are totally unaware of it. Jung talks about this as the unconscious mind. There are so many ingrained beliefs, complexes, and ways of being that stay with us in the unconscious, unless we face and tackle them. So, my first goal would be for clients to understand their life path, and have self-awareness around their strengths and shadows. Simply by walking through this process, there is healing. I approach every reading with care and consideration for a person’s mental, spiritual, and emotional growth. My second goal is to teach and educate people about astrology, which is why I write blog articles and will soon put up products people can download on my website to learn more on their own. I am pro self-empowerment. I want to give people healing tools that they can also use to heal themselves. Your website is very informational when it comes to astrology history and learning about the different aspects of astrology. With that in mind, I find that a lot of people don't believe in astrology. They consider it to be fake, unreliable, or simply just fantasy stuff. Have you encountered a lot of this type of thinking, and if so, how would you respond? I have, quite a lot in fact. It simply comes with the territory. Astrology, and many other spiritual subjects, are still considered taboo. We live in a rather close-minded, left-brained, rational society. Astrology breaks all that up. A lot of people aren’t educated about what astrology actually is. There are certain arguments like, "Well, I’m not actually a Scorpio, I’m the 13th constellation, Ophiuchus." That argument is based off the sidereal, or actual, positions of the stars in the sky. Astrologers use the Tropical Zodiac, which aligns with the Equinox points, so you would in fact stay a Scorpio. (See: "OMFG I'M NOT AN ARIES?!") The other thing is, the zodiac is not strictly based off the constellations, they were inspired by them. Back in the ancient days, astronomers divided the sky into 30 degree increments, or 12 sections, which eventually became the 12 zodiac signs, and at the time aligned with the 12 major constellations. Through careful study of the movements of the sun and other planets through the signs, the zodiac signs gathered rich meaning, archetype, and myth, and became the 12 sun signs they are today. Another argument is, "I'm nothing like a Sagittarius, etc." There is much, much more than your sun sign when it comes to astrology. For example, if a person is a Libra rising, but has Sun, Venus, Mars, and Mercury in Aries, they may not be such a classic Libran person! They surely could come off as a Libra (pleasant, sociable, graceful, people-literate), but have a steaming underbelly of fierceness, raw passion, ram-headedness, and bravery. My go-to response is to get a reading, and study it for yourself. There are a lot of astrologers who have actually gone out to prove astrology wrong, only to end up becoming one. If someone is interested in becoming an astrologer, what advice would you give them? I would suggest a few things. Get an astrology reading, or two. Learn about your chart. Read books/listen to podcasts by reputable astrologers. There's a lot of, simply put, not so great stuff on the Internet. Read/listen as much as you can, and start applying what you've learned. Take local classes, or get a teacher. Learning astrology on your own can be daunting, and it's helpful to have a guide or two along the way. Like I said before, there’s a lot of misinformation around astrology, and it’s important to learn from people who have put in the work and effort to master the craft. Start giving readings to friends and family. Practice! Create your own language and attitude toward astrology. Use your intuition. You’ll eventually start to have you  r own viewpoints on certain subjects, and that's okay. Stay open-minded. I am constantly surprised by certain correlations that come through for me regarding astrology. It's important to maintain that beginner's mind. Last question. You’ve recently released an album, which is very relaxing. How did this come about, and how did you integrate your knowledge of astrology and healing when creating this album? Thank you! This was a long time in the making. I thought of the line, "Find Me Hollow, Free Me Full" a couple years ago, actually, and I thought it would make for a good album title. The songs were originally written as poems and lines taken from poems, and then I translated them into song. Some tracks are straight up songs, some are poems set to music/atmospheric sounds. I would say that my knowledge of astrology and healing influenced this album mainly subconsciously. The process of writing and making music is a healing modality in my opinion. I am inspired by chanting, ritual music, spiritual music, and spiritual imagery, all of that leaks into the words and tones. Essentially, the album is about finding oneself through a dark period of time, and the spiritual growth and strength that can come from that process. The first song, "Grace," is simply this phrase repeated: "It is gracious to let go into the light and be with the dark." I wanted to embrace my darker thoughts and feelings and release them. Each track in the album moves from darkness to a place of peace and acceptance. I’ve struggled with anxiety and bouts of depression for most of my life, and I finally feel like I've entered a period of peace and joy. Dealing with mental illness can be very challenging, and sometimes soul-crushing, to deal with. It taxes on pretty much every aspect of your life: friends, relationships, your job, everything. Sometimes it's a tough pill to swallow to realize that you are in control of you. Looking within is where healing starts. Also, seeking assistance (professional, spiritual, whatever that looks like to you) can be the bravest, and kindest, thing you can do for yourself. Check out Ailsa online Website: http://www.amfastrology.com/ Book a Reading: http://www.amfastrology.com/book-a-reading/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/amfastrology/ Find Me Hollow, Free Me Full Album: https://alfsigr.bandcamp.com/releases Contact: Email - amfastrology@gmail.com Phone - 716-866-7764 Read the full article

[horrible-monstrosity]

the triggering continues................

Throughout episodes 5 and 6 the show acts like it's setting up some deconstruction-reconstruction thing regarding the place of witches in the modern day... buuuuut they can't quite make it work.

The main problem is that they haven't actually developed the magical part of the setting that well or deeply yet, especially how it fits in to the world outside the school. (Again it still fucking bothers me that magic doesn't work outside of the school and it hasn't been properly explained how you're ever supposed to get around this; that alone you'd think would disqualify any reason for it to be considered useful...) The magic system just seems to be pretty boilerplate with a little "quirky"-ness tacked onto it. The only really interesting thing I think we've seen is the ley line bus stop sign, which actually told us a bit about the world and magic system, that witches could ride these leylines on their brooms to somehow ease travel (given the sorcerer's stone thing, perhaps to save energy or serve as an alternative source of energy) and that it was like public transport to them. ... buuuuut then this was only seen briefly in episode one and promptly never brought up again. Why not have the kids ride the ley lines a bit in the Twilight episode once they escaped? Better yet, this one little detail destroys the ability of the setting to pass itself off as just le 100% generic magic witches school setting that might have been able to get away with minimal worldbuilding and just rely on "it's exactly what you expect, don't worry about it". Which would actually have been the setting you'd want to use for this if you're saying the silly frivolous idealized fantasy trope-world most people know and think of is outdated and flimsy. But now I find myself wondering about the details of this magic world, the exact culture and development and frame of mind that would have led to that sign... all of which would affect how it holds up to modern day tech.

Without that developed we can't really see how useful or useless or how out of date magic is supposed to be, so we just have to take characters' word for it... and that's basically what we've done. And then since there's no details to the magic, no one can say what it's actually good for so the only counterpoint we can have is Akko being so enthusiastic and shiny-eyed that her opponents just look at her and melt.

On the other hand, I find myself wondering why no one in the magic community has tried to modernize magic in even the slightest way. If there's some staunch traditionalists in places of power, that would explain why nothing's ever been changed, but not why no one's ever tried. You'd expect clashes of ideals. Especially given Akko is such a confrontational character- it would fit perfectly for her to end up having it out with some stuffy teacher over how magic is treated in the modern age.

Even weirder, Chariot's magic has been called "old-fashioned" before, even though it seems more flashy or modern compared to the staid structured no-nonsense magic the school teaches.

It also hurts the setup that we don't know how advanced technology is in this world that it can entirely replace magic. how technology is the technology that magic is *entirely* replaced? Even today, things like medicine and surgery aren't entirely perfect and have all sorts of risks and side effects. Technology- or rather, the energy used to power it- has costs like pollution. You'd think being able to magic someone well or power things with sorcerer stones or whatever would still be desirable as an alternative or at least a companion to modern tech. But all we get is dragon guy's comedical millions of screens with le funny graph things on them.

oh and then the episode right after this kills the entire thing by mentioning witches doing useful stuff with their magic like investigating crime scenes an shiet... so fuck that i guesssffff................

So the more I think about it, the less I understand what the point of Lotte and Sushi's characters even is. Like, we understand Akko, but why are the other two here? Sushi's just there for mushrooms and doesn't give a fuck about classes, okay, but how much does she know about witching to begin with? Is she experienced or does she just only give a fuck about her one area of interest and just ignores everything else? The other students seem to be basically novices, is she older than them or something? I just don't get her... thing. What is she?

And Lottie, just... why is she with these cunts? She's not particularly, like, trying to be the voice of reason for them, going after them when they start shit because she knows she's the only one who even has a chance of keeping them in line. She just... continues to exist in their general area. The twilight episode (gaggg) show she has her vices, but it doesn't take her anywhere near enough to the other two to be a "not so above it all" thing. She doesn't steal pies, she doesn't fucking straight up try to fucking kill people... Her only "crime" is being late to the entrance ceremony because she was in the general vicinity of the others. Even if that gets her saddled with the other two, just looking at them you'd think she'd be out of there on good behavior in no time. Or she'd get directly pulled into their bullshit and be blamed along with them more often, but she's kind of just... there when they fuck shit up.

So the Stick Rod and the arch gate thing are both tied to the Big Dipper/Ursa Major... I'm not quite sure why. It's not really a significant constellation you'd expect to be tied to any magical power, like, say... the Pleiades, maybe? cause, you know, gainax did a pleiades anime, an we wuz gainax n shieeeeetttttt It's occurred to me that the teacher's name was probably Ursula even back in the original (and I can't really be bothered to check) and so the "seven stars" was probably always the big dipper... but, like, I'm sticking to my guns here. It really feels like Trigger wanted to drag Houkago no Pleiades into their little incestuous cycle of small reference circles and endless self-backpatting, but they either were stopped because unlike Gurren Lagann (which was done right before they split off and I think had a lot of the same staff members) they really had fucking nothing to do with it (the shorts would have been made before the split but I don't know how much staff overlap there actually was), or they thought better of it... but not better enough to stop them from doing an erzats version instead of actually coming up with something original. So they swapped out the Pleiades for a different seven-star constellation (because they were really attached to the number, I guess?...), except they couldn't find one with anywhere near the level of lore and actual meaningful-ness (because that's just so hard) so they just... this. Come to think of it, I said before that Sushi is like a shit version of Nanako, and Pleiades has sort of a witch-like motif with the car broomsticks... hmmmmmmmmm.

If they wanted to stick with the Big Dipper, they could have done something cute like use a bunch of constellations that're well known to children and make it kind of cutesy and nostalgic. So say the stick has the little dipper on it because it's the "child" of the arch thing which has the big dipper, the school has some other constellation or stellar object as its main motif (instead of a... triskelion? why the fuck is it that? I can get the crescent moon they use for some of it but why is the triskelion also a thing?)

...... Anyway episode 5: i like how this readaptation of the ova plot just has some lizards randomly fucking came up and took the fucking stone... guess we don't really need any protection on the most important thing to the school or anything....... oh and then the teachers fuckijg punish akko and redhair for ALERTING THEM TO THE FUCKING THEFT OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO THE FUCKING ACADEMY BECAUSE THEY BRIEFLY STOPPED CLEANING TO DO IT... why is everyone in this universe just full-on turbo-cunt? also there's no backup systems at all? fucking nice

... the moon has the fucking trigger star on it? just like flatly pasted on. it's not like the moon is a sphere or anything. also why is it there? evangelion pandering? ... Come to think of it, for all the wanking Trigger does over its own works and anything from Gainax they can vaguely call their's, they've never really touched Eva even though it's a fucking cultural juggernaut. Well, there's a girl in Franxx who looks like an Asuka clone, but she doesn't seem to have the same personality at all (the first episode will probably be out by the time I post this but rest assured I won't be watching it any time soon..... gotta let that succ juice marinate)

episode 6: every second of akko's live is succ because she sucks at everything and fuck her, we get it already. something about this is just cringy and depressing to watch... this is the first time these girls have ever seen a male of the human species before

ep 7: akko is too braindead from trying to open a window all night and not sleeping to exams and if she fails she gets kicked out of the school and she's too shit fucking do anything right, we get it already urrrrrrrrhghg lol how'd she get a b minus for literally not flying at all. I... guess it's nice to see her getting a fucking break for trying for once, but still, what? and then akko fucking kills a professor and drops them down the sink. lol rip

[sinceileftyoublog]

James Elkington Interview: Successful Experiments

Photo by Timothy Harris

BY JORDAN MAINZER

The year is not even half over, and prolific guitarist James Elkington is featured on many of the best folk albums so far, including but not limited to self-titled records from Joan Shelley and Tara Jane O’Neil and Michael Chapman’s 50. For years, that’s been the story with Elkington, collaborating with finger-pickers like Steve Gunn and Nathan Salsburg but never releasing anything by himself. (He even had a stint teaching Metallica and Slayer songs to 12-year-olds in the North Shore of Chicago.) In fact, when I speak to him over the phone, he’s on tour with Brokeback, yet another band he lends his talents to.

But the reason I’m speaking to Elkington is because he’s finally bucking the trend, releasing his debut solo album Wintres Woma on Paradise of Bachelors. I first saw him play some of the songs on the album at the Hideout opening for Jake Xerxes Fussell, and I was struck by his limber guitar-work and steady voice, having only seen him before accompanying Gunn on steel guitar. The album is sure to assert Elkington into the already crowded crop of folk musicians who have been pushing the guitar to a new frontier for the better part of the decade, its compositions warm as they are at times unnerving and haunting.

Elkington is playing Constellation on Thursday with OHMME and gets to celebrate the release of Wintres Woma the next day. Read below as he talks about the background of the record, breaks down many of its songs, and shares what makes for an inspiring collaborator.

Since I Left You: Leading up to Wintres Woma, you had fallen into collaborations but wanted to find something to say. What were you trying to convey with your first record?

James Elkington: Whenever you start writing music, there’s a year or two of complete wonder and discovery. It’s a really fun and exciting time. You surprise yourself--there’s so much to learn about the instrument. It started out feeling that way, and the more I played and the more I wrote, I felt that ebbing away. It becomes hard to write when you’ve been doing it for a while. I stopped, actually, because I was getting the same satisfaction from contributing to other people’s records. I wasn’t feeling the need to write very much. But when I was on [a tour], I started messing around with different tuning on guitar, which isn’t something I do very much. For the first time in a while, I felt that spark that you get when you don’t know what you’re doing...that feeling of being interested in the stuff I was coming up with.

SILY: When you were writing these songs, whether the lyrics or the arrangements, or even drafting the themes of the album, were you inspired by any specific events, or more by broad feelings and thoughts?

JE: It’s a combination of the two. A lot of the lyrics are shielded by the music; the music came first. Sometimes, it would spark off something in me, and there would be kind of a narrative I would come up with. Sometimes, it would remind me of a feeling I had at some point, and I’d try to color that in without being too specific about it. I’m not a huge fan of specifics in lyrics a lot of the time. I was just trying to evoke those feelings and describe certain situations I was in. I kept coming back to a lot of stuff from my teenage years, and I don’t know why--it’s not something I really think about very much but consciously I imagine must be there all the time.

SILY: Do you have a favorite song on the record, or one you think best represents it as a whole?  

JE: Not really, although I do like “Greatness Yet to Come” because it’s almost like two songs that have been grafted together. It also has a sort of narrative to it, which is not something I normally do. It was a successful experiment. It’s not particularly typical to the rest of the record but is a good clue for how I was approaching the record. I wrote some string parts to it that were played by Tomeka Reid, and I was really pleased at how those came out. I hadn’t really done anything like that before. I guess that one. 

I like it all. That’s another thing that’s new to me. Usually, when I finish working on a record, I need a good five years from it. I’m kind of listened out. For the first time, that hasn’t happened. I’m not sure if it’s a different type of record for me, or I’m a different person.

SILY: Tomeka Reid’s cello on “Wading the Vapors” is really atonal, and it took me out of the trance of listening to it. Tell me a little more about that part.

JE: I didn’t know Tomeka at all. She’s a friend of [OHMME’s Macie Stewart’s]. I wanted to arrange strings on the record, and I didn’t know if she was going to do it. When I heard she was up for being involved--she’s such an amazing improviser--I actually wrote the song on the spot, right when I got that email she was gonna do it. I wrote something for her to let loose on. I had this idea--this repeating cord sequence--that was more a beginning of a song. That was another experiment. I didn’t know if it was gonna work, but I’m writing a song with a big gap in the middle for something to happen. I’m gonna sing in the beginning and end. She played [two solos], I edited it a little bit afterwards, and there was so much good stuff in both of these takes that I made sort of a greatest hits of those two solos. Then, Tomeka and Macie agreed very sportingly to sing on it, which was not part of the deal. I asked them to sing on it, and they said they didn’t really know the tune, and I said, “That’s okay. That’s kind of what I’m going for.”

There were a few things on the record like that. “I hope this works.” "Greatness Yet to Come” is like that. It was cinematic. I demoed it at home, but we recorded it in three sections. It ended up working. That’s why I like most of the record--because the [songs] were successful experiments to me.

SILY: "Any Afternoon” was also a standout to me. What’s the story behind that one?

JE: That song is a version of one I’ve had for quite a long time. I sort of brought it into the fold with this new material. The songs that harmonically aren’t that dense have more going on. That song is a very simple song. A lot of space in it. I had guitar parts in mind--ebow and bass--that was the thinking behind it.

I like a limited palette on records. I feel you can do a lot more with a lot less. If you have three ingredients in a dish, they all have to be good ingredients. With music, it has to be played and recorded well--I’m more interested in that. There have been times in my life I’ve thought “more is better” with overdubs, layers, and textures, but I’m not sure I work that well that way. I can probably come up with better music when I limit myself to a few choice parts.

SILY: The only non-original track on the album is “Parting Glass”. Why did you cover that one?

JE: I recorded more songs that are on the record, and I’ve got two or three more that are instrumentals. In the last few years, I’ve made guitar duo records with Nathan Salsburg. Those songs were more like that. I wanted more of that to be on this record, but I ended up with too many songs. Everyone liked the vocal songs more. It looked like no instrumentals were going to get on. But I really wanted something on the record, and “Parting Glass” was the shortest [laughs]. 

My plan was to do more in the way of arranging on fiddle tunes. But I got waylaid by my own tunes. I do really like working on arranging pre-written stuff.

SILY: You debuted the album with a video for “Make It Up”. What was the story behind the video and song?

JE: The song was something I had from a while back but arranged differently. The lyrical themes are all pretty vague, and there’s some real stuff, but some pure fiction. It’s vaguely occult. As for the video, me and my friend Tim [Harris] who directed the video had no intention of reflecting anything in the song. He had some time in a film studio with a green screen, and that was his main interest. He wanted to run around Chicago shooting crazy stuff in front of the green screen. He said, “I want you to sit still and play the guitar.” It ended up being really well-edited and moves along. I’ve never really done a video like that. It’s not too dry. It has humor in it.

Usually, budgets are pretty astronomical for these, and Tim called everyone he knew, so everyone worked on it for free. They managed to turn it around in time for the record announcement, which is unheard of. If something can be done on budget and on time in that world, it’s crazy.

SILY: Tell me about the cover art.

JE: Right. Well, I did that. A friend of mine had taken some photos of me, and I didn’t know what I was going to do with them. I think they were just going to be press photos. But I was tired, and pinched, and cold, so I wouldn’t have used them for press.

I’ve always been a fan of old Eastern European film posters in the 60s--that aesthetic. One- or two-color printing, again, trying to do something with few elements. I liked the idea of that and putting something together by hand. So I took the photos and made photocopies of them, ripped them up and made collages. I then scanned them and sent them to Brendan [Greaves, co-founder of Paradise of Bachelors] to turn into something. I think it looks like it was done by hand. It would have looked too clean on the computer. You can actually see glue spots. It’s pretty rough. I like that tactile approach.

It was also somewhat panic-induced because I really didn’t know what to do. That was the first thing I came up with. I was lucky. It was what I was going for. It also looks a bit like the record sounds. Handmade and lots of mistakes. Sparse. Trying not to smooth over the edges too much.

SILY: You’ve collaborated with a ton of great musicians in the past. Does any particular collaboration stand out as having influenced your process or modes of thought?

JE: I don’t know that anything specifically does. Part of the reason to do the amount of stuff I do is that it energizes me. I’m always getting enough variety to keep working all the time. I’ve been quite lucky in recent years in that I get to play music I really like all the time. Not that I didn’t do that before, but now I work with friends on music I think is worthwhile. There’s variety to it. More successful career musicians get into the place where they don’t have time to do anything other than their work. Fortunately, I haven’t been hampered by that level of success.

I wouldn’t say one thing is defining. But playing with Steve [Gunn]--we are very different, but in the ways we’re the same, we really mesh. That’s been fairly inspiring. He never really stops playing, and his output is huge. I’ve been playing with Jeff Tweedy for a little while. The freedom he allows himself to operate with and his trust in the process--he leaves the door open--is quite inspiring to see someone who operates at that level still thinking that way.

[ristocycling]

It´s been a while I’ve written. Most of my updates are about trainings and fun nowadays. Well, it would be bit of a lie to say that I’ve been too buys, which of course is also big part of the truth. Anyways, the most accurate way of explaining my absence is my fear of having hit the wall. I have never trained so hard before that I have troubles staying awake in daily life doing everyday stuff. The shift from doing well to being pretty much exhausted 24/7, was when I changed my training method from periodization to bulk (1 medium week, 2 hard weeks, 1 rest week --> 4-5 days of hard trainings, then some days free). The first week I crashed and burned, got sick and felt like shit. After that I focused on keeping it up doing the work that had to be done. Even though it was new to me and I felt like incredibly weak, I continued my setup. Results from the first races weren’t what I was hoping for. 

Then, in between all that... life hit me in my crotch. Many things happened both directly in my personal life, and also in my nearest family. Sport is nothing that can be seen as an isolated part of life. Sport is affected by personal life, and personal life is also affected by sport. So, it has been difficult times putting all the necessary effort into cycling as I would wish I could. BUT, as I am aware of, physical work/training eases mental stress. So, I’ve followed my plan almost to the fullest. But that is what I was afraid of, maybe it has been too much? Luckily I got a confirmation from a blood sample, that I’m low on B12 and B9. Which could also explain some of it. I started with vitamins yesterday... 

Now it’s only about 3 weeks to my main race this year- Sellaronda HERO. I had my last hard training week for a week ago now. This week I’ve either had fun on trails OR had a race. Thursday- Frænarittet. Sunday- Orklarittet. 

Back to my analyses. Frænarittet was a pretty huge disappointment. But if I would have to point out one positive thing, I’d say the first climb. I managed to climb it with the front group and stay with them a little while. Then it got muddy and so I was having tough times. Couple of dudes pissed me off too by leaving me out in the rain when I was trying to teach another guy a lesson when he was leading so unnecessarily uneven pace. Anyways, I got to ride together with Lars Andre and that was fun too! That’s the guy I’m hitting Sellaronda HERO together with. All in all, ok race.

So, today it was Orklarittet. I woke up in the morning and was feeling powerless. I guess my head is still weak since my future ain’t got a solid plan. It makes my life fragile and so suffers too my will-power. I wanted to stay home and simply let it all go. Not joking around. How come a race can make it all better when you’ve lost your direction? Everybody need something to hold on to. Luckily I reminded myself that continuity, perseverance always leads to where you’re heading- sometimes it ain’t where you’ve chose to go, but never the less, it’s indisputably the only right path for you. So I ate breakfast, unloaded my self, put my ass into my car and turned on the volume, listened to Kamikaze from S.Sundfør and drove to Knyken. 

Life above the clouds. 

People I know, people who know me. Smile invaded my mourning face. Started to warm up. I felt some kind of affiliation, being part of a group of pretty much homogenous people- cyclists. Some sort of silly hope entered my head, my mind, my body. I remember when I was doing jibbing on skis. I was nervous every morning I was preparing to go to the park. But at the moment I stepped into the bindings, it all disappeared. It was like changing my personality, I felt like an confused schizophrenic. I’m not a bold man. I’m not a daredevil! Still, as an jibber I was OK, if not good (in the end). Hit jumps up to about 20-25m. As cyclist, I’ve worked my self from zero to something since 2011. Today, I also proved myself that I’m more than simply “something”. 

I guess there are many more cyclists out there who do race to fulfill their need of acceptance and for sure, also self-actualization. I know I am. And while it’s awesome project, it ain’t easy. For some, it takes 5 years to win a race. For some, it takes 10, for others it’ll never happen. But has winning a race anything to do with any of those two aspects of racing? It depends on personal goals and ambitions. I cannot know what others are thinking, wishing for, living for. I only know what I want. I want to win. For once in my life, I wanna win! And a simple bad day, a bad periode, will not ruin my lifelong quest of happiness. The road that is leading me there, should be the goal itself. There are two types of goals- result goal and effect goal. My result goal is to have fun doing what I do in my everyday life, workouts etc while my effect goal is to win a race. I know that’ll kick a tear out of my eyes and make me weep when it happens. But I also know that I’ve got other such goals that’ll make me emotional, personal goals like ... So I’m not leaning on only one foot, that won’t be enough to keep good balance. 

So anyways. While people are starting a hobby, then quitting when they didn’t reach their goal in a year or two, I’m using my stubbornness derived from my constellation sign (Aries) and keep doing what I’m doing! And at some level, it has already paid off. I’ve found some good friends who whipe the sky for clouds and brings out the sun. Would like to send a big “thank you”. 

So I didn’t disappoint my self today. Neither did anyone else. Everybody in that race made my day a day to remember! Thank you! Thank you for all the remarks and clap on shoulder! It was trully uplifting to manage to ride in leading group. I’ll promise I’ll do what it takes to contribute even more in the races to come! And, I hope I had something to do with the podium today. I gave my best effort.

It was the very best race in my cycling career. I guess I’m on a right path after all. I just needed a reminder. I send you a big smile :)

[earthbison]

I’ve had a lot of realizations over the past year and a half. They just keep coming I guess.

Of course, one of the most crucial realizations has been how selfish I’ve been throughout my life. In both conscious and unconscious behaviour, selfishness usually born from a multitude of dark personality traits. Traits like cowardice, insecurity, jealousy, and desire have all manifested my actions into many self serving actions.

The interesting thing though, is that these haven’t been obvious selfish actions. In fact at surface level, they have looked even selfless.

One of the things I’ve known about myself for a long time is that I’ve been a needy person. However, when this need was satisfied again and again it only evolved into desiring more. In the past I had a greedy bottomless pit that I compulsively needed to fill with love and affection.

This manifested into a constant need for reassurance, as well as putting myself through many altruistic acts in order to be given more love and affection. The strange thing about my past self is... I would do a lot of nice things for other people, selfless things even, but ultimately it was for my own benefit- so that I would receive love. It was in its rawest form- an act of selfishness. 

Now this has actually put me through an emotional existential crisis for a period of a few months. I’ve been worrying about if I actually ever wanted to do nice things for others for the sake of seeing them be happy- without me benefitting from it in any way.

I think at this point in my life I can confidently say that yes, I will still do nice things for others, even if I don’t benefit from it in any way- but, I had to get there. By losing friends, familiarity, and having things really be pushed back in my face. It’s brought me somewhere more humble. It’s shoved me into a room full of mirrors where all I can do is gaze upon the flawed being that is myself. When you have nothing in your present, you look back upon your past extensively.

I believe my younger self was very wrapped up in herself. What makes that so obvious is, how I was always in my own little world (daydreaming), being disrespectful to strangers, my environment, being reckless and careless with my friends but then- upon realizing their upset- backpedalling to ensure I would still be loved and cared for. It’s as if she (my younger self) didn’t see a need to help the world unless she got something back from it too. Apologies appeared sincere when really they were for security- sometimes, anyways.

Really analyzing this... its, honestly quite sickening. I could excuse it with a multitude of things like my upbringing and abusive childhood- but why bother? I think I really need to own my past actions for what they have been. Selfish and insincere. Actions made for my own stability and niche in social groups

Have I truly been void of empathy for most of my years? Of course not, I’m not a sociopath. The people who loved me, I also loved in return, and seeing them suffer was always hard- I’ve always wanted my loved ones to be happy. I think my issue in the past was that I didn’t see ENOUGH of what my friends or family were going through because my own needs and emotions clouded my vision. I shared in my friends problems and pain, but unfortunately always thought about how those things related back to me. I wasn’t a considerate or thoughtful person because I was always worrying about my own emotions and needs first. It was only after ensuring those needs were taken care of- was I ever able to step outside of myself for others. (this relates a lot to a toxic INFP/Fi-introverted feeling-type stuff, but I won’t go into that here)

It’s an old fine line, between my selfless sincere actions, and my selfish insincere actions of my past. Ultimately it boils down to the fact that I was more likely to help others if I too got something in return. The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve become aware of this and the more I’ve been trying to stay away from it.

So that’s a sum of my selfish realizations.

What’s brand new is an awareness of, well, how self righteous I have been? 

This is something I’m still analyzing in the back of my head currently, but overall I think I’ve also been a very smug person. Again, and interestingly enough- in an unconscious way.

Because of course, no one ever has an outright thought of “I’m better than all of you!” without feeling like a dick.

This has been one of those behaviours that’s flared in and out of my personality throughout my life. The sadder I’ve felt? the more humble I’ve become. With a rise of happiness? A strange confidence that triggers some very “preachy” comments and thoughts from me.

Being an idealistic person, I do live in a world of fantasy. In this fantasy world, I’m usually trying to think of what’s best for everyone and society as a whole. Unfortunately this gets bounced off of people I know. I can lecture, sound like a big bushed hippie, be generally preachy, and probably sound like a total knob. At it’s core however, I’m always on an inner quest for peace for others, myself, and humanity as a whole. (that sounds even more hippie but uh.. I mean.. it is what it is?)

This has been one of my traits from birth that’s morphed and evolved again and again. At 11 I was boasting about growing up to be a philosopher and teaching my friend about the constellations and animals. At about 14 I was rejecting gender roles, society as a whole, jobs, men, obviously unintellectual cliche “groups” (ie: jocks, girly girls, etc). My father and I have had this talk again and again, “Why is the world the way it is?” “Why must we fill the roles we were unwillingly given from birth?” “Why are humans the way they are?”

My dad, and my old best friend- we boiled it down to human nature being a crapshoot. 

So I’ve grown, constantly thinking about human psychology, analyzing people, relationships, society. I’m almost 24 now- ten years later, and my thought process about all this has further developed. I still reject gender roles, but instead of calling myself a “mowen” (my kid self being a man+woman) obviously I’ve come to realize that all genders are equal, fluid, same with sexualities. Femininity shouldn’t be seen as a weakness, and therefore dressing and appearing feminine shouldn’t be shameful for men or women (I never wanted to do so as a tomboy child) and of course the cherry on top is that human nature cannot handle an artificial ecosystem such as free enterprise, but the reverse being that they’re also too faulty to handle complete socialism. 

When I was younger, I didn’t believe in humanity, after getting older and thinking and learning- I wanted to believe in it again. So, what happened? how did this lead to me becoming preachy and self righteous?

In a sense, my beliefs and selfish traits melded into something pretty toxic. I started questioning things such as Justice vs Mercy, and after playing Undertale- my mind just fucking ran with it.

What is loyalty? Can you be loyal and still help the evil become good? I wanted to believe in that. My friend had her own rebuttal, saying if you helped those who hurt your loved ones, you weren’t really loyal, and if you weren’t loyal you didn’t care. I thought about this concept a lot. It ended up turning me into a Jesus Christ wannabe ‘turn the other cheek’ douchenozzle. 

The problem with trying to see the good in everyone, including those that harm your friends and family, is that you have to in a sense let go of your empathy, anger, and overall sense of justice for those who have harmed your loved ones. In a sense, if you want to be kind to everyone, you cannot be truly loyal.

“A friend to all is a friend to none.”                                         - Aristotle

The point is really, that you just can’t be human.

I did fight for this concept for a long time though. I thought many problems could be solved by this equation of thinking:     violence comes from anger, anger comes from hurt, hurt comes from an unfulfilled need> an unfulfilled need therefore should be the solution. Communication should be the solution.

But my friend was right, it isn’t that simple and some people just cannot change. I didn’t agree with her for a long time, maybe out of personality differences, or maybe out of realistic vs idealistic psyches- regardless in the end I did reach the same conclusion as her.

Help the people that want to change, fight back/reject those who won’t or can’t.

Sadly, that’s just what human nature is right now, and cannot be altered.

So, even all that ^ is preachy, right? But I’m not making this post to “spread my wisdom” like I have in the past. I don’t believe everyone needs to think this way or should either. Unlike my past self, I don’t believe I’m a better person for having these beliefs. If anything, diverse concepts of problem solving are the better way to go.

Bringing this whole thing back to my earlier point however, I did preach all of this nonsense out before, in a very self righteous, “all knowing” sort of way. 

I know now though, that we’re all the same. I’m definitely not some all knowing perfect plum of kindness either. My circumstances speak for themselves... I’ve actually been very cold, and very unkind.

And I may have my beliefs, but I know that these beliefs will probably continue to change and evolve over time. It’s stupid to shove them down everyone elses throats. They aren’t better than anyone else’s, and I’m definitely not better than anyone else, far from it, really.

Anyhow, self analytical rant over.