#the more and more i hear ppl say oh i just id a queer bc its more inclusive than lesbian the more i drop that word out of my vocab

[juni-ravenhall]

whats ur non mainstream film taste then? genuinly curious to hear. as someone whos ended up in some weird ass corners of the film world like Neil breen Zachary Oberzan 0 budget stuff i love hearing what kind of weird indie corners other people have gotten into :3

i will talk a lot below that prob wont be interesting anyway, but i have to say first that i mostly stopped watching movies and now i mostly watch things @yasminewestbank chooses (not all the time but mostly) bc shes a movie nerd, so she picks movies that are usually either genuinely good or at least watchable, and if it was just me alone id prob not be bothering to watch those anyway, bc even a great movie just doesnt give me that much. i suffer from pretty severe apathy :( so if u want someone who hypes up genuinely good movies rather than me who is like "this is genuinely good but im still apathetic and dont really care" then yasmin is better to talk to. (im also generally more of a nonfiction type when it comes to video content, i could hype up Tasting History on youtube most days of the week but i struggle to hype up any movie at all. oh, and animated shorts, there are always some interesting student films and stuff.) the rest ⬇

my taste is usually "its [symbolic or not] critical commentary on something i care about" (feminism and misogyny, classism, bigotry, racism, the queer experience, abuse, trauma, violence, human self development, etc etc) or "its portraying human experiences [internal and external] in an interesting or just realistic way", like. realistic but in a highly specific meaning of realistic. i dont care about realism as a concept itself in art (realistic visuals or realistic setting or realistic costume etc i rly do not care about), what i mean is just about capturing a real essence of human brains and experiences, not copypasting stereotypical ideas without meaning. i can also enjoy some more abstract like david lynch bc its expressing human feelings and experiences in an appealing way. im really big on symbolic stuff and will just keep talking about what different parts of the movie meant or represented after i watch something w yasmin.

(edit to add... i should prob note that many of the movies i mention have adult content and heavy topics depending on who you ask? but i assume ppl who read this would already know to check ratings and warnings)

on the criticising / teaching side of meaningful, it would be for example, Poor Things [2023].... on the realistic / documenting side, for example Burning [2018] or Naked [1993], and i liked ryuusuke hamaguchi's movies Wheel of Fortune and Fantasy, and Drive My Car (tho that one has a really badly written scene in it by the end that i hated) for the characters too. i dont know if those are the best examples its more just off the top of my head. theres also mainstream movies that fit my criteria, so for that criticising / teaching side, there's for example Pleasantville [1998], and Pretty Woman, which yasmin told me ppl tend to hate, but if thats the case i think ppl really didnt understand what it was about (it showed so much about misogyny and class issues, coated in such a way that you could get average boomers to watch it as a "romantic" movie without being aware of the actual meaning of what youre going into, the same way pleasantville can be watched as a goofy gimmick movie without being aware of the meaning youre going into, tho pleasantville is heavyhanded by the end, and i guess pretty woman manages to still fly over ppls heads? but not too surprising considering all those mainstream things now will literally just explain every joke and every meaning.... its like all of media is mickey mouse clubhouse, you know?)

i more or less prefer to watch an animated short or a weird animation on youtube/social media than watching a good live action movie. some animated shorts i really liked recently are Au Revoir Jerome, GLOIRE AMERE 40000, and BOLAVLK/WEREAWOLF, and vewn stuff. and i like those Molly Moon game tiktoks, as an example of like, low production stuff…. i dont care at all how much money or time went into something, but bc im usually not actively seeking fiction video content on my own, its more about what falls into my lap by chance, or yasmin/someone shows me.

i thought of listing more movies but its kinda hard for me to remember them after a while (re: apathy). i remember i liked another one from the Poor Things guy called The Favourite but i barely remember what happens in it. I liked one called This Must Be The Place, and one called Annette. those are movies yasmin showed me or that she picked for us to try together.

oh, one movie i saw on my own that i liked a lot is And Then We Danced. it has some less good parts, but overall it for some reason really lives rent free in my head. it felt like i went and lived in georgia with the characters for an hour, idk, it was done in an immersive way that impressed me and i found appealing. another one i remember from years ago is Lille Soldat (little soldier) which i really enjoyed the main character in. that stuck with me. ive tried to find this movie to show to yasmin, but its been hard to find.

i used to watch lots of random movies (from different countries, different times in history, i had a phase where i watched a bunch of really old horror movies) but most of its been forgotten and then i just stopped watching movies whatsoever bc the mainstream ones are generally unwatchably bad and i didnt have motivation to go out of my way to find good movies anymore. its still hard even with good ones. like, The Square, and Triangle of Sadness, i watched with yasmin and it was fine, but i had already tried watching The Square alone and had to stop after a minute bc it just made me cringe and feel bored. but watching it together with her was fine and i did enjoy the meaning. so thats why i say i might not even be watching good movies if it was up to me alone....

if u werent interested in that ramble i hope u stopped reading before now for ur own good :D i have an opportunity to express myself in rambles -> i will express myself in rambles

[trixstriforce]

hey i get where ur coming from and i get i didnt explain well in my tags bc i didn't wanna derail bc ngl i tend to ramble and get off topic but i saw one of the the hc creator reply and i get how u can be offended from my tags which i am genuinely sorry about! i didn't realize it could come off as me being "oh blue bad so trans blue bad!!!" which was NOT my intent. as a feminine nonbinary person w/ a lot of trans friends i dont want ppll to think im some cis idiot who looks down on gnc trans ppl or dont like trans hcs for characters i think r gender conforming honestly i see the four swords links as all trans men tho she/her blue i genuinely do think is a good hc i only put it yhere bc i LITTERLY haven't seen she/her red which i did get told was also popular so from what i personally saw i was iffy if the hc was rooted in anything deeper bc i tend to be sceptical of fandoms bc of stuff im going to explain if u here me out, i know my cynicism was seen as me insulting a hc so i get why u were aggressive but pls dont assume my intentions based off one post.

now this is going to be an eassy fair warning bc that is just how i talk. which is why my tags I wanted to be short bc i struggle to get my point across w/out being verbose but like...clearly i shoulda just kept my og tags and not cut it down but oh well whats done is done ig pls read it through bc u were rlly agressive in ur reply which is fine but at least hear me out bf u label me like that ok?

to explain rlly what i ment i have to be clear that i am in the cookie run fandom and that fandom has a LOT of queer characters many r canon nonbinary and there r a lot of widespread trans hcs. in that fandom, in the past, i specifically was very uneducated on trans stereotypes so when a very masculine cookie who for years the fandom saw as a man but had no canon prounons was announced to be a woman the fandom for a hot minute(including me) saw them as a trans woman. some trans ppl in the fandom got uncomfortable w/ that including some of my friends and one of my friend's friend explained the possibile transphobia of the hc and in a fandom never adopting widespread trans hcs for characters unless the fandom assumed they were the opposite gender ie a he/him cookie in makeup and a dress was always hced to use she/her or be a trans man. and at that time i genuinely was shocked that ppl were making these hcs w/ those intentions bc i never considered that bf. and in general? cookie run fandom just has so many issues man ppl never respect the nonbinary characters genders or any lesbain codded characters so ive learned to look at hcs that i see get adopted w/ a cynical eye bc im like "is this hc popular bc ppl see trans ppl that way or bc they like the character?" i am heavily fandom critical bc ive been burned before so id rather point out a possible issue in a hc than ignore it bc im giving the op the benefit of the doubt, i dont trust ppl like that anymore bc i have to be more critical of the things i see nowadays

now loz fandom while not perfect, is leagues better than my past fandoms and im glad for that. thats why i put that in the tags not the main post bc i was genuinely curious if it was from a fic bc i did read a few fics w/ she/her blue so i was actually looking forward to reading a new one lol or if it was a post seeing how it blew up. my intention was never to say "oh only she/her blue is popular" or something it was to say "oh ive seen she/her blue around alot wheres that from?" i mentioned vio/shadow they/them bc ive also seen that a lot but didn't mention she/her red bc i havent seen that like ever tho i was told its a thing so yeah ig the point of my og post more so was i havent seen a lot of the four swords fandom which is true bc i dont check fandom tags a lot and read fics once in a blue moon nowadays

blue in itself was never the issue btw, i think i need to point that out that i never even had an issue. i just have seen a lot of ppl make blue out to be the angry violent one whos hard headed and never listens before swinging. these r sterotypicaly masciunle behaviors and while blue in canon is stubborn and brash hes not as bad as some fics have portrayed him which has in general made me critical of how i see him in fandom and one of the reasons i rlly do not interact w/ four swords fandom in general bc blue honestly has so much potential as the groups protector and ppl just...over look it.

which is WHY i pointed out it was stereotypical to make the most agressive one in the group trans bc it IS a sterotype even if u urself don't personaly mean it that way or lean into that trope that DOESN'T mean me as an outsider can not see a trope ove seen and be wary of it. that is not an attack on those w/ the hc that is me as a feminine nonbinary person w/ transfem friends that likes a character and is worried ppl might be steering into a direction ive seen bf. that is something while u dont have to acknowledge u gotta be a lil aware of even if u urself have never written blue to be the "agressive one." it is a trope ive seen a lot and this is to be clear not bc im saying u or others r writting blue like that, its bc i am wary in general. i can admit i didnt word that well at all i do like the hc and respect the ppl who use it! i was relieved it HASN'T been used that way which is why i said i gave a thumbs up bc it was honestly refreshing to see. let me be transparent and say i havent once seen a she/her blue i disagreed w/ or i felt was leaning into bad blue tropes every she/her blue ive seen has been written well and respectfully which makes sense if queer/trans writters are making her

has anyone so far that ive seen done such stereotyping? no, from what ive seen the fandom has done an excellent job writting her tbh bc the best blue portrayals have been in a few fics ive seen w/ she/her blue, i think one was called color theory? it was rlly relatable, ive always liked blue as a character and never rlly liked how some fans portrayed her bc imo it was one dimensional writing. which is why i was like hm where did this come from! its an interesting hc and dodges more toxic blue tropes, but that doesn't mean i cant be wary still it just means i in general approve of the hc and have my wariness on the back burner.

the implications that i dont like ppl making transfem hcs of their favs kinda points to me that u have never been on my acc bf or clicked on my pinned post. which is fair, if u felt attacked and just replied out of hurt then thats fine but pls be aware of who u r talking to when u wanna demean a person bc u assume they cant think critically about media and assume they dislike transfem hcs in general bc like man i have multiple transfem links and nb links in my hc pinned post i literally am not the one to tell about let ppl hc what they want my hcs r wild dude i know

i didn't know where the hc came from which is why i made the post i didnt know if it was made by someone unconsciously linking those behaviors in blue to that hc and not being aware of that or from someone trans in themself which is what i assumed regardless but i am a cynic w/ fandom bc i have literally had to have been told by trans woman friends in the past i wasn't seeing their issues and to be fair back then i wasnt. me as a person i can admit im rlly obtuse sometimes and my words never come off like i mean them too im sorry, i didnt put that there to offend anyone. i put it there bc i was scared the hc could have been something unintentionally bad and while i didnt think it was, i have in the past given ppl the benefit of the doubt w/ queer hcs widespread only to learn the orgin was something rooted in misogyny/homophobia/transphpbia. so i added those tags as a reassurence to myself if someone replied w/ something like "oh the op sucked so we just reclaimed it"(which, has happened bf in fandoms im in).

im happy the hc came from a place of love like i assumed! i do genuinely like that and im glad to know some ppl i follow started it. im glad honesty im the only one who was a lil wary seeing it which imo means the creators r trusted ppl in the fandom so i didnt have to worry, pls be aware of all i said above tho and dont assume my intentions were sinister or i dont like the hc just bc of my fandom wariness its kinda unfair to me as a person u got agressive and projected what i assume r things uve also seen in the fandom onto me(ie "blue is the bad agressive one!!!") bc u think i was trying to attack a hc.

idk if thats why u replied that way or if it was something eles honesty im not upset u were mad or anything i get wanting to defend a trans hc from perceived backlash(lord knows ive sent my fair share of eassys defending my favs lmao). but also pls be aware not everything u see in a 2 sentence tag is how u first read it and u could have just pointed out where i offended u w/out being agressive bc ur upset i didnt give u the benefit of the doubt when u in turn also didnt give it to me.

i get me writing out a multiparagraph eassy is gonna seem like a lot for a reply but as i said in the beginning i am a verbose person and the way i get my thoughts in order is to write them out. since u personally misinterpreted what i meant bc of my admittedly lacking context tags, pls read this all the way through to actually get what i tried to say in my tags.

all in all...this was a misunderstanding bc i didnt think i needed to add context in my tags bc i thought ppl would have understood why i was wary which! was wrong to assume on my part!!! i get why it rubbed u the wrong way!!!! so let me just say this...

tldr: i literally as a nonbinary person w/ trans friends do not give even the most wholesome seeming trans hcs the benifit of the doubt if i clock they mightve fallen intona sterotype unless i know the origin which is partially why i asked and partially i wanted to see if there was a good fic i coulda got my hands on. its great the hc is a Thing tm rland made by queer ppl who like making their favs transfem! im queer and like making my favs trans as well! there is no beef only me pointing out a possible thing i was uncomfortable about bc i lacked the origin of the hc so pls dont take it as a personal attack it is literally just me not trusting fandoms to treat trans characters right even if the fandom is a majority queer 👍

where did the blue she/her thing come from in four swords fandom? i rlly wanna know bc i never see the other three??? called she/her??? Sometimes shadow or vio r given they/them but ive constantly seen she/her blue in some spaces so??

[800-dick-pics]

im basically like  either have a backbone with your sexuality or stuf sit down and let other lgbt exist in quiet without hearing your bullshit destructive cishet bootlicking trash 

[flyingcookierambles]

plans for 2020???

uhhuhuhuhuhuhhhh

graduate college

get a part time job and take a gap year for academia/save up money while job hunting for my first Real Adult Job?????

figure out my gender??????????????? probably switch to like they/she pronouns or something bc i realized that every time i post something on twitter/snapchat/tumblr/whatever i always refer to myself as a “a foolish child who makes bad financial decisions” or “a person who makes their wallet cry” or like “guess who just spent like $40 on a steam sale???? this kidddddddddd” like ive always just been unconsciously referring to myself in like third person or they/them/gender neutral pronouns?????? like. i dont think that in any tweet/toot/snap ive ever written i’ve called myself something like “a foolish girl” or “a girl who makes her wallet cry” or anything so like theres that. and honestly ive made/been making some posts about this gender thing for like the past year. ive asked the cool mods at feminism and media about it (ill post the screenshot later). ive changed my main tumblr about page which i dont think anyone’s ever visited since it’s listed under “hi” and like maybe i should change it to “about”? anyways ive like changed most of my stuff online to be something like “gender questioning, but she/her pronouns are fine for now” or like “gender questioning/probably nonbinary” and then just straight up changed my facebook pronouns to they/them (but im p sure my family hasnt noticed thank goodness cuz thats not a can of worms i wanna explain to a bunch of religious baby boomers rn), changed my myanimelist gender to non-bianary (again why is this a thing? a rando blue anime hellsite is not the place i expected to have this option but like im not complaining so lol), and also put “gender questioning, probably non-binary” in the write in gender option on goodreads so like. uhhh. i guess im probably non-binary????? but also im a terrible and indecisive person so like every time i say im probably non-binary my stupid brain goes back to bein like. wait is this some internalized misogyny that makes me not want to be a girl/cis girl? but also i find the dysphoria memes/jokes on the egg_irl subreddit really relatable and its just a bad cycle in which i go “oh these gender dysphoria memes on a trans subreddit are really relatable” -> “huh maybe. im not a girl???” -> brain awakened to being not a girl -> self doubt of brain might have internalized misogyny -> haha im a cis girl even tho i always refer to myself with they/them pronouns in writing -> haha wait that doesnt sound right a cis person wouldnt refer to themself with gender neutral pronouns right -> i know, ill go to a sub that i know makes gender dysphoria jokes and caused this self doubt/gender questioning in the first place with dumb jokes like “would you push a button?” and this meme but replace the “im bi” with “im ace” -> haha these gender dysphoria jokes are really relatable -> oh no (repeat this hell cycle of self doubt for 2 years and its me haha) 

regarding the above example sentences of steam sales and my finances, uhhhh, i wanna play more video games this year. and actually finish them. because i think according to steamdb or whatever account rating site it is, my account’s games net worth is something ridiculous like $600. and like. ive only played like 30% of the stuff i own. so uh. i should get my moneys worth and play stuff

the above resolution does not apply to games that are technically endless with no real goal/end, such as the sims, cities skyline, prison architect, etc. this resolution applies only to games that do have an end, such as nameless, pesterquest, steins;gate, etc.

the above resolution also may have some exceptions due to technical issues or time since some games, mostly japanese visual novels like steins;gate, are not compatible with macbooks i guess maybe they’re not popular with gamers (not surprising the macbooks has terrible venting lol) and also maybe not popular in japan so japanese companies just dont think to port things to mac os??? idk what the issue is here exactly but like since im in a college dorm and not at home ill only have access to my macbook for a majority of the time.

also similar to the “finish the games” thing, i should read, or at least attempt to read, all the books i’ve brought. i have so so many ebooks. that are unread. yet i also keep buying more books. i should stop buying books and finish the ones i do have and also use the library more.

also i should probably figure out how to save money lol. im 22. but im constantly broke. 

also i should uhhh probably find more diverse books lol. like i love my shitty indie fantasy books and stuff but the protag is usu a white dude so like eh. but also. sometimes when i read books w female protags im like haha cant relate. and then the gender questioning sets in once again. is it because im probably non-binary? or am i actually trans or something???????? i mean i hang out on egg_irl, a mostly mtf trans sub, but also an occasional non-binary or ftm trans post comes up which is also nice to see. idk mannnnnnn lollll

also there was this whole like haha cant relate brain reaction to my school’s vagina monologues event when i went in to listen to my nursing major friend have some monologue. like she talked about some thing about like delivering a baby and it was kinda near the end of the event bc i got there late and the ones that i did hear at the end were just like haha cant relate but also ive been told that the monologues that year were particularly terf-y, probs in response to my college turning co-ed (it was up until i think 2 years before i entered a womens college and the older students, alumni and current students that were there at the time, were apparently super pissed about it, so the school i guess doubled down on “(cis) girl power!” but also kinda excluded trans/gender queer ppl that weren’t cis girls in the process)

gender is stupid i feel like id much rather not have to deal with it/pick a label to be and move on with life lol but my brain wont let me

push this internal gender crisis out of my mind by playing a ton of video games/reading a ton of books/do school work ig hahahahahaha

[the-amber-droid-dreams]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the inbox of the last 10 people who've reblogged something from you. It's a fun activity to get to know your mutuals and followers!

oh this is really fun !! ok here we go :

My best friend cherry !! We call eachother platonic soulmates ! Theyre funny, talented, smart, and the most understanding person in the world. They go on these super long tangents that i could genuinely listen to forever. She makes me feel so comfortable that i go on my own tangents and actually talk abt myself which doesnt happen with anyone else. I could say more but shes the best basically and idk what id do without her

Queer stuff, whether its learning smthg new or just looking at positivity posts, it all makes me super excited ! Queer jokes, queer history, queer art, it seriously doesnt matter. Some of my favorites tho are probably learning abt seemingly complex / contradictory identites and hearing stories abt historical and or old queer ppl. I also just started reading stone butch blues and im very excited abt it :]

Stimming ! When i first started doing it i felt kinda ashamed but then i learned some stuff and realized "oh this is ok this isnt wrong im allowed to do this" and now it makes me really happy ! I mean, happy stimming makes me happy ofc, but even the stimming i do when im uncomfortable does bc i know its helping me and i appreciate that a lot

Punk. Im still learning abt it but i love the music and the fashion and the politics of it sm. I especially love queer punk and islamic punk (The Taqwacores and We Are Lady Parts as examples). Currently my favorite music subgenre is folk punk

For this last one, instead of one big thing im gonna name a bunch of silly little small things :

wild flowers and grass growing where they shouldnt, ladybugs, snails

obnoxiously bright colors, colorful things in general

cursed furbies (and sending pictures of them to cherry)

pencils, wooden flooring, brown paper bags

collecting fun shaped magnets, dried leaves and flowers, and rocks

[rouge-the-bat]

whadda fuck ur my age, for some reason ur wisdom on queer stuff made me think ur middle 20s ahksjdnfs ur takes feel so matured! ig i should take this as a sign to work on my critical thinking (⊙ᗜ⊙)

omg hehe! i feel like i usually get ppl online thinking im younger, i guess bc of the way i talk sometimes or somethin? i always found it funny bc i feel younger than i am too lol. mostly bc Mental Illness be making me not perceive time-

also everyone has different rates of progression for stuff! if u feel like your behind me on maturity for some things thats not necesarily a bad thing- but also working on critical thinking skills is always a good thing, and to keep continuing to do through life! good to keep that skill from getting rusty, at any time.

i think for me, ive grown up always in a "fully proud in my weirdness" sort of way- when i was a kid and my brothers said i was weird id be like yep! weird is great! and before i started going as rouge online, my nickname was weirdo! (which i still like as a nickname!) and so when i see new things that tend to make other people reactionally raise an eyebrow at and make fun of, i just get curious like, oh! this is different, i wonder what this is about. it helps me keep an open mind, bc im always curious about things even if it seems strange at first, and i want to learn about stuff before taking any sort of stances on it. so it just comes a lot down to willingness and Want to understand new things, instead of sticking to a first-instinct judgement.

this applies to a lot of stuff, but it defintely boosts being really open and inclusionist about queer identities! the variety of experiences ppl can have fascinates me, so i like to hear about them and broaden my horizons. so whenever i started hearing about a lot of less common labels i just wanted to learn about them! i love the variety of labels out there and different ways they can be used, it reflects the complexities of us as humans ! its the natural way of how language works, since we make all of it up ourselves!

anyways yeah, i think some general key points for critical thinking are

1. is my stance reactionary? can i really even make sense of it to myself? (id say can i explain it to others, but i have issues of doing that myself in general sometimes, even if i fully 100% understand and have a firm stance on something- at least for talking out loud i have issues usually. my brain is just a mess inside lol)

2. do i even really understand what this thing is? do i even really understand what the side im against is saying? looking into as many aspects of it as you can is the best way to get an informed opinion, that means seeing what opposing sides say, even. and try to do your own research instead of just taking what others say at face value.

3. am i reaching a good medium for listening to what others have to say, but not blindly following others views? this one can be pretty tough, bc theres a lot of stuff that can pressure people to agree "or youre a shit person." i think its best combated by staying away from people who are very black and white with their stances, and especially with how they view people, people that tend to attack others for even asking questions, and generally stay away from echo chambers. having friendly relations with people who have different views than you but are really chill about it can be good to have around- which can be hard to find Tbh especially in certain topics, but theyre out there!

4. always keep yourself open to possibly being wrong, bc theres so much information out there in the world, so sometimes youre gonna come across something that will completely change your entire view on a topic. its pretty much guaranteed to happen many times in life! its good to let your stances change as you learn more, and accept that old views of yours were maybe Not Great- but that just means your becoming a better person now!

so basically check for reactionary bias, research, listen to different views (but dont blindly follow), and keep an open mind- probably some other good things to note for good critical thinking but this is whats coming to mind for me atm! i hope all of it made sense lol

[gardenstateofmind]

idk i have a weird relationship with not being straight cause i grew up in a really liberal area i guess?? like at home id never even heard rhe word gay cause it's just not a part of their lives at all, they dont say homophobic things bc to them they dont feel a need to even acknowledge it so when i learned abt being gay it was at school and it was in a positive way. like "oh did you see that this youtuber came out, good for them" like it was mostly just neutral. of course there was homophobia but it wasn't that deep, it was like. othering gay people but not Hating them. like u got called a faggot for any reason but never actually for being gay. so even tho there was tons of casual homophobia, none of my friends ever had a problem with it, and all of us were very much in favor of gay rights. and so like it was just a Thing to me, and i started identifying as straight bc obviously i knew i wasnt gay, cause compulsory cisheterosexuality is a fucking trip. so i was like i would know if i was a lesbian, and since it's never been a thing for me, then i must be straight. but then when i was like 11-13 i started developing my sexuality for reals, like before that id had "crushes" but like lol i wasnt at the maturity level to actually feel those type of feelings. and obvs i felt attracted to girls so i was like oh shit am i gay?? and i had to sort through my feelings of being both ace and pan without any of that language, so i finally came to the conclusion that i was "just into people, dont need a label" cause i didnt have the words for my actual feelings. but the process of figuring it out was just working through feelings id never been told of, not bc i didnt want to be gay or was afraid of what it would mean for me. i just am really introspective and wanted to be sure of what was going on in my brain and once i felt settled in my identity, i didnt anticipate having any problems with it?? i didnt really see myself as having to come out really, i was just gonna keep living my life as me, and whenever it became relevant id talk about being queer, it was just like a non issue to me honestly. i was actually surprised when my mom Did have a problem with me being queer, i was like wtf are u homophobic?? and she swore she wasnt, she just didn't "want to hear about that stuff it's gross sex is gross" and did that straight ppl thing where they make anything queer inherently sexualized. and then the more i started getting into queer community shit the bigger part of my identity it became. but yeah i never struggled with being okay with it, i was never homophobic or afraid of homophobia. and i cant relate to the stereotypical narrative of being not straight but it's mostly due to how privileged ive been to live in such accepting areas.

[beetrans]

talking about transition and trauma, kinda; notes for self.

i’m trying to sort out and put words to feelings and thoughts because ...well, my memory is shit. by way of analogy:

i just made a meal that someone v close to me [read: person who pushed me hard to transition] would hate: with red pepper flakes (spicy), heavy cream (lactose intolerant), vodka and other affronts to Proper Italian Cuisine. 

i realized? knew? while doing it, it would be something they’d hate. 

(they’re not even here, i’m like 50km away from them minimum)

i was doing it though bc those were tweaks I wanted to make to my recipe, and the food is to feed me, and bring me sustenance and happiness. 

and I enjoyed my food.

when i sat back down on the couch to eat it, i got seized with another panic about name. [i’d gone to tcaf earlier, got a book, and when asked for my name (which got signed in) i just automatically gave the one they gave me.] 

but like

i like wren better, at least for now. as much as kat wants to say “don’t pick a video game” bc will wear out [this is in reln to an old placeholder last name], “ness”? really, earthbound & mother 3 nerd?

and I pulled up an old .txt from when I was thinking about this stuff, early last august, before finalizing anything [not final, i know, i know] and before mroe accurately they pushed me to change my name in the uni system

and guess what. guess what the FUCK it says

thanks past me

and this was after most of a fuckign summer! of them running around using tha tname for me having me change it on communication platforms giving me no options [one fun time was that they would either out me to a close mutual friend when we were going to have bubble tea [ultimatum given MAYBE 20 mins before, while we were walking there], i’d do it myself, or I couldn’t go, and thye’d probably still do it].

so no fucking wonder i don’t like it. no fucking wonder i felt backed into a corner and all i could do was shrink down back up slide out from their notice.

and they’ve kept this bullshit up. not exactly outed (bc already “out”) but shared p personal info abt me to a person I work for like, about the fact that i’m unsure abt name and transition worries and just

they’ve pushed me to do hormones (not even sure i wanted this but YAY alreayd have IRREVERSIBLE effects fun fun fun) tried to force me to get top surgery when No, maybe want like a reduction atm but I can’t commit to that kinda thing! not now! chill! and and and just everything 

and sur emaybe it’s in my better intersts to [also fuck they texted me ]transition but not rushed no no no [wow i can’t stay angry can i i can’t have any hurt can i i’m just empty now seeing msgs from them] 

yeah thought: yes, it would be nice to have support, know i have options, but. ultimatums? threats? that bullshit? sabotaged my transition and my ability to make these choices and turned me into complication- and consequence-avoiding 

which.

they tried to [threatened me wiht, made an ultimatum, “got me to promise”, “i promised i would”] email one of my profs about thsi and get their opinion, support, on twe i can change my name [and it’s so obvisou how i tried to shrink it down have deniability bc worried what they’d do with that info] [power]

but i (wow, negotiation in midst of anxiety attacks most of the time i deal w/ this] [or even think about it] [the concept of “gender work” is terrifying now and triggers avoidance] “negotiated” that i could email someone I know, barely, from an academic conference i presented at like two years ago, is trans, was really really kind to me and ...kinda Knew? or seemed to , has a gq partner

so sent that with much hair-pulling [that’s mostly metaphorical] and their fucking oversight and control

but at least they don’t know him

i got an email back from him earlier today, that... 

i just

i got it and read it while at brunch w/ family and started crying

it was just so 

kind

open

honest

not all what I wanted to hear, but the truth, and so clearly stated, with insight, consideration, 

i just

.

transitioning should be a process to yeah sure ease dysphoria of which i’ve got lots and of which a fuckton is now kinda kat’s fault

but a process to make [fuck father is home] me happier with myslef, as myself, more myself. 

which also. 

no one fuckign knows what kat’s id is, though they eschew fem stuff and bind semi-regularly, but they for some reason presented themself as an authority on thsi . ((a bitterer me asks if this was just wish fulfillment, livign vicariously through me. that’s bitter though, and not really substantiated.)) 

being in a space today where ppl are unapologetically, and unambiguously, (gender)queer, and where attendees were all sorts of gende rexpressions and ids [the sheer # of pins, good god]

[oh thank jesus got a msg from someone i care about uncomplicatedly]

it was just v affirming. 

reminding me of all the paths I can take that arne’t hoodie tees and mascish pants, running shoes.

that i can be dyed hair purple eyeliner fuck you binder and low cut top  have whatever voice and name and pronouns i want an dwho’s to stop me

just. 

yeah it’s fucking hard! ppl arent’ accepting! 

but why the fuck should i stifle myself before the gate.