#the members can still ship packages at the same rate as everyone else

[hardcasey]

Sweet Tooth

Won't Fade into the Background - Part 2

Pairing: Toast x F!Reader

Summary: You are an owner of a bakery on Coruscant and end up running into a certain clone with a penchant for baked goods. 

Word Count: 7k (I got carried away lmao)

Rating/Warnings: T, Mostly fluff again, though it gets a little PG-13 at the end. Nothing too crazy tho.

A/N: Who’s more of a background clone than everyone’s fave boy Toast? I decided to give him the classic bakery au meet-cute that he deserves. <3 Not proofread so let me know if there are any glaring errors!

“You sure you don’t need any help cleaning up?” Your employee, Vella, called from the front of the shop. 

You poked your head out through the little window that separated the kitchen from the rest of the store. “I’m good, Vel. Go enjoy your Friday night.” 

“Alright, night boss,” The Twi’lek woman gave you a mock salute and laughed when she saw you roll your eyes before turning and heading out the door into the busy Coruscant streets. 

You turned back to your current task, taking inventory. It was not the most glamorous job, in fact it was your least favorite part about owning your own business, but it had to be done. With a sigh, you started counting, quickly losing yourself in the monotony. 

You were the proud owner of a small bakery on Coruscant. It was not the most lucrative job by far, but it had always been your dream to bake for a living, and you were proud to have achieved that goal so quickly. It had taken a lot of hard work to get to where you were now, along with quite a bit of luck. You had been finishing up your last year in culinary school when you walked by a place for rent right in the heart of the city. It had been right around when the war started, and the owner wanted to sell off the space as quickly as possible. You had the sneaking suspicion that he may have been involved with the Separatists and was trying to jump ship and flee the planet. Honestly, you didn’t really care what his deal was, only that he was giving you the place for a steal. Seppie or not, you were thankful for him. There was no other way you would have been able to afford a place in this part of the city otherwise. 

You had dropped a considerable portion of your savings into the purchase and renovation of the bakery, and there were times that you were subsisting off of nothing but cheap instant noodles, but everything had worked out in the end. The prime location meant there was a lot of foot traffic and it didn’t take long before you were turning a profit. And the quality of your pastries and baked goods earned you a loyal customer base, and you had many regulars that stopped in for a cup of caf and a little treat on their way to work. 

Once you finished up taking inventory, you headed out to the front to start cleaning up, stacking the chairs up on the tables so you could start sweeping. You were saving up for a droid that would sweep the floors for you, but you were still a ways off from that so you had to do it the old fashioned way. 

It was then that you noticed there was someone looking in through the window, clearly ogling the display of pastries and cakes that was there. The light from the setting sun pouring through the window cast their face in shadow, so you couldn’t tell who it was. 

Might as well invite them in, you thought to yourself as you leaned the broom against the wall. After all, the bakery wasn’t technically closed yet, though you almost never had customers at this time. 

You swung the door open and were about to say something to the figure when you saw them jump, clearly not realizing you were there. 

“Oh, hey, I’m sorry for scaring you! I just wanted to let you know that the bakery is still open if you want anything.” You said gently, holding your hands up in a placating manner. 

Now that you were outside, you could see the figure more clearly. They were a human male, with tan skin and warm brown eyes. He was wearing a grey uniform and his short dark hair was partly obscured by a matching grey hat. He seemed very familiar to you, and you were about to ask if you knew him, before it hit you. Duh! He was a clone. You weren’t used to seeing clones in anything other than their distinctive white armor, so it took a moment for your brain to put two and two together. 

“Oh, uh, I was just looking, ma’am! I’m very sorry.” He said quickly, the same way that a kid who had just been caught with their hand in the cookie jar would. He looked so sheepish, as if he was about to bolt any second. You weren’t sure why he was so apologetic, he was just looking through the window. A bunch of people did that. 

“No need to apologize, everyone looks through the windows.” You said, flashing him what you hoped was a reassuring smile. 

“I, uh, just wasn’t sure if you were gonna run me out or something,” he told you, averting his eyes and rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Why would I do that?” 

“Not many businesses are open to clones, and I wasn’t sure. I’ve never seen any clones in your shop and I guess I just assumed.” 

Okay, that lowkey made your blood boil. Why would anyone discriminate against the clones? They were the ones putting their lives on the line to protect the Republic, for kriffs sake! You hadn’t interacted with many clones, but the ones you had run into were nothing but polite and respectful. 

“That’s terrible! We absolutely allow clones here! You know what, come inside. There are still some pastries leftover from today. I’ll put them in a box for you and you can bring them back to your, er, squad? Company? Your friends!” You finished breathlessly, a little embarrassed you knew so little about anything involving the military. 

“Are you sure? I-I don’t have any money to pay for them,” He said sadly, his eyes darting down to his shoes as if there was suddenly something fascinating about them. 

“Nonsense! They’ll be going bad soon anyway and will just end up in the trash. You’ll be doing me a favor, honestly.” Without allowing him to protest further, you grabbed his elbow and tugged him into your shop. In the back of your mind you registered how big his bicep felt, which surprised you. He looked fit, yes, but it wasn’t like he was some meathead. Maybe his uniform just did a good job of disguising how strong he was. You felt yourself blush once you realised the path your thoughts had veered down and quickly pushed them out of your mind. 

“It smells good in here,” he said to no one in particular as he dropped his harm and headed behind the counter to start filling a box with leftover pastries. 

You smiled at him, before you realised something. “Forgive my manners, but I didn’t catch your name.” 

“CT-1928, ma’am.” He replied, his back straightening ever so slightly as he did, as if the action was ingrained in him.

“Do you have a nickname? I know a lot of clones go by them instead of their number.” You said delicately. You didn’t want to offend him by asking, but it felt so strange, so dehumanizing, to call him by a number. 

“Oh, uh, my brothers call me Toast.” He said, once again sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s not the greatest nickname, but it’s the one that stuck.” 

“Haha, I think it’s cute. And don’t worry, my parents used to call me Possum when I was little, because I used to climb around and get into the trash. It was cute until they said it in front of my friends, then they started calling me that too.” 

He laughed at that, his shoulders relaxing, his posture not so stiff. “My brothers started calling me Toast because the first time they served toast in the cafeteria after I got my assignment, I ate so many pieces I made myself sick.” 

“Pfft. That’s amazing,” You laughed as you shuffled things around so you could fit one last croissant inside. You got the sense the clones didn’t often get to have sweets, so you were going to make sure Toast could bring as many back as possible. “So are you here on shore leave?” 

“I’m actually a member of the Coruscant Guard. So I’m here often. Well all the time. I walk by this place every time they send me off to run errands, which is often since I’m still the new guy.” 

“Oh, that’s cool. That means you work with senators, right? That must be… something.” You’d read stories on the holonet about some of the more notorious senators and you doubted they treated the clones particularly well. 

“I haven’t personally worked with any members of the senate, though a lot of my brothers have. Most of my day is spent staring at security cameras. So, pretty boring. Though I’m not complaining.” 

You tied up the package with a neat little bow before handing it to him, another bright smile flashing across your face. Something about his earnest, open demeanor was very endearing to you and you secretly hoped you’d get to see him again soon. If not anything else, you could at least learn a little more about the clones that dedicated their lives to protecting the Republic, since your knowledge on the subject was apparently so lacking. 

“Well it’s good to hear that you’re local. Hopefully you can stop by again the next time you’re running errands. And feel free to invite your brothers too!” 

“T-thank you, ma’am. That is very kind of you.” He said before taking the box of pastries in his hand, holding it almost reverently. He was trying to hide it but you could tell he was very excited to eat some sweets later. 

With one last nod he headed out of the store, the bell chiming lightly after him. You stood there, simply watching his receding form blend into the crowd, catching yourself smiling at the prospect of seeing him again. 

~~~

Toast hadn’t made it three steps into the barracks before his vode were descending upon him. Well not really him as much as the box full of sugary confections in his hands. 

“What ya got there?” Jek inquired, already tugging at the ribbon to investigate the box’s contents. 

Toast shoved his greedy hands out of the way and marched over to the counter where they kept the caf machine, which was in a perpetual state of disarray. The caf machine was old, probably older than any of them, and saw high traffic 24/7. Honestly, with the amount it leaked and sputtered, it was a miracle the machine was still functioning. Toast hoped it would at least until the war was over because when it went, Fox would be in the grave right next to it. 

“You know that bakery on the way back from the Jedi temple?” Toast inquired as he placed the box on the counter, starting to pick at the knot so he could open it without cutting the ribbon. It was a pretty striped pastel pink and he wanted to keep it. 

“The one with the little tooka-shaped cookies?” Rhys’ eyes went wide with excitement. 

“Yeah, the lady who worked there saw me looking inside and then gave me all the leftover pastries from the window.” 

“For free!?” Jek exclaimed as he shuffled back towards the box, “What did you get? Did you get an eclair? Please tell me you got an eclair.” Toast nodded and handed his brother one, who promptly dug in. 

“What’s this about eclairs?” Stone rounded the corner, instantly noticing the box and saddling up to him. “Did you get sweets?” 

Toast spent the next few minutes divvying up the various pastries between everyone. He chose something made up of many thin layers of dough, filled with chopped nuts and soaked in honey. Baklava, he thinks it was called, or maybe balaclava? He didn’t know the difference. But he didn’t care as he devoured it, savoring each bite like it was something precious. He glanced around and saw all his brothers were experiencing similar states of bliss, if their expressions were anything to go by. 

~~~

He didn’t have a chance to visit the bakery for the next two weeks, too busy running around dealing with mess after mess. One day, a prison riot. The next, bomb threats at the senate. Everyone in the guard was so exhausted and in desperate need of a break. So when Hound mentioned he was taking Grizzer for a walk, Toast decided to tag along so that he could get some fresh air. Well, fresh for Coruscant. 

At some point they’d run into Rhys and Thire, on the way back from patrol duty. Neither of them were in a rush to get back to HQ to receive new marching orders, so they ended up tagging along. 

Their little group wandered the streets, just walking with no direction in mind. Grizzer had his snout pressed close to the ground, desperate to sniff everything. Toast smiled at the massiff’s antics from behind his bucket, before glancing around and realizing they were just a block away from the bakery. 

“Hey, guys. Wanna stop at that bakery? It’s just over there.” Toast asked, pointing his finger at the little awning in front of the shop.

Thire looked at him as if he had two heads. “Why? Do you think we’ll get handouts again? Not that I’m complaining, free is free, but didn’t you get those because it was the end of the day and she was planning on throwing them out? It’s the middle of the day now…”

“Well, she said I could come back whenever. And that I could bring you guys too.” Toast felt his cheeks heat up for some reason, suddenly feeling embarrassed. What if she was just being polite, and he wasn’t really supposed to come back? What if he brought too many of his brothers and she thought he was taking advantage of her generosity? 

He was just about to suggest they should move on when Rhys piped up. “Well, what are we waiting for? C’mon.” He was already halfway to the bakery before anyone could respond. Rhys had a major sweet tooth and nothing motivated him more than some sweets. Hound and Grizzer were right on his heels, having missed out on the pastries last time. 

Toast caught up to them quickly, with Thire right behind them, though they all froze as soon as they made it up to the doors. There were people inside this, lounging around sipping drinks and chatting. Could they go in? Would people get mad? 

All his vode were waiting for him to do something, and his eyes searched frantically around the storefront as if he would find an answer there. And, surprisingly, he did. Sort of. Because hanging right in the window was a sign that read ‘CLONES WELCOME’. You had to have hung it after your interaction, there was no other explanation. Something about that made his heart race. 

All of a sudden, you appeared in the window, a friendly grin on your face as you pointed at the sign and waved for them all to come in. 

“You didn’t tell us she was pretty, vod,” Thire whispered as they shuffled their way inside. Toast could just feel the shit eating grin from under his brother’s bucket. He just gave a noncommittal grunt as a response, which only made Thire laugh. 

The group of them stood awkwardly in the threshold of the store, not really knowing what to do with themselves. A few patrons looked over to see what was going on, and Toast braced for some sort of outrage at clones invading their space, but after a few seconds they all turned back to whatever they were doing before. 

Toast stood there dumbly, just staring at you. He hadn’t really been able to take a good look at you the last time, too distracted by how strange the whole situation had been. But now he could see that Thire was right. You are pretty. Very pretty. 

If you noticed how tongue-tied he was, you didn’t show it. You just greeted them with another smile and oh Maker that smile. It was the kind of smile that lit up your whole face and Toast wanted to see it every day for the rest of his life.

“Hi! Is this your first time here?” You asked, cocking your head to one side. 

“He’s been here before.” Hound answered, shoving Toast to the front of the group. 

“Oh, are you the one from a few weeks ago? Toast?” 

You remembered his name! He was pretty sure he was about to melt into a puddle right then and there. It took a second to realize that he hadn't answered yet and he quickly sputtered out, “Y-yeah. That’s me.” 

“I’m glad you came back! And you brought your brothers,” You turned to address the rest of the clones and offered out a hand, “It’s nice to meet you all, what are your names.” 

Hound, always the people person and the one most used to interacting with the public, stepped forward and shook your hand. “I’m Hound. That’s Thire and Jek. It’s nice to meet you ma’am, I’ve heard you’re a great baker, though I wouldn’t know first-hand.” 

You cocked an eyebrow at Toast, “You didn’t share?” 

“He was out on patrol, I swear!” Toast stammered, holding his hands up in front of him. 

“Hmmm, I guess I’ll take your word for it. Though I think he should get to pick out what he wants first. It’s only fair.” 

“Really?!” Hound exclaimed. His enthusiasm seemed to rub off on Grizzer, the massiff sitting up on his back legs and wiggling excitedly before letting out a happy bark. “Down boy,” Hound ordered, placing a hand on Grizzer’s hand to calm him down. 

‘Awe, he’s just excited,” you giggled as you bent down to give him some pats of your own. “Can he eat treats? I have some by the door that I give to some of the other dogs.” You asked Hound as you straightened back up. 

“Yes, he loves treats. Would you mind if I took them to go? I don’t want him spoiling his dinner.” 

“Of course! Now pick out what you all want. And you can put a box together to take to your brothers.” 

You spent the next twenty minutes helping them pick out pastries, answering questions so they could pick out something for each of their brothers. After they had made their selections, you sat with them at one of the tables and chatted. Well, you mostly asked questions and they all talked over each other in their excitement. Still, you enjoyed the time with them, happy to provide a place for them to relax and unwind. Their jobs seemed incredibly stressful and by reading in between the lines of some of the things they told you, they seemed to be mistreated by a good portion of the senators, made to run menial errands or be the punching bags senators took their frustrations out on. You could especially see it in Toast, in the way he was so scared of offending you, how he would avert his eyes all the time and flinch if someone spoke too loudly. It honestly made you want to burn down the senate building. 

Everyone had finished eating when Thire looked down at his wrist and exclaimed, “Oh kriff, it’s been over an hour! Fox is gonna kill us.” 

Toast scoffed. “Correction: Fox is going to kill you and Rhys. Hound and I are off right now.” 

“Bring him an extra tiramisu to smooth things over.” You said, already wrapping one up and adding it to the rest of their haul. 

The group scrambled around, putting their buckets back on and grabbing the various pastry boxes you’d filled for them. Toast paused before turning to you. “Um, we don’t have any credits on us right now, but I can bring some tomorrow. The Guard has a small discretionary fund we can-”

You stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. It’s on the house.”

“A-are you sure? That was a lot of food…” Toast didn’t want her to lose money because of him. After all, he was the one that brought his brothers here. 

“It’s okay, seriously. I actually started a little program where customers can buy a coffee or a pastry or whatever for a clone. There’s actually a little bucket next to the register that I set up,” you turned and pointed at it so he could see. “It was actually my employee Vella’s idea. She came up with it the day after we first met, and it’s been pretty popular. There are a lot of people out there who are really thankful for what you guys do, you know.” 

Toast didn’t know what to say, but he felt like he wanted to cry at such a nice gesture. “That is… really kind of you. Thanks.” It didn’t feel like nearly enough, but they were the only words Toast could form at the moment. 

“Of course,” you said, giving his shoulder a little squeeze. “Now go catch up with your brothers, and let the rest of them know they’re always welcome to a free drink or pastry here.” 

Toast thanked you once again before heading outside to where his brothers were waiting, trying to convince himself that your hand hadn’t lingered on his arm for a beat too long. No, it was just wishful thinking. 

As he and his vode made their way back to the barracks, Rhys threw an arm around his neck and said, “Wow, Toast, your girlfriend is the best!” earning him snickers from the rest of the group. 

“She’s not my girlfriend!” Toast tried to protest. 

“But you want her to be~” Hound teased. And he was right, Toast wanted that more than anything in the galaxy right now. But he knew it was impossible. You were beautiful and kind and funny and perfect and he... was just a clone. 

“It’s not like it could ever happen anyway,” Toast sighed. 

Thire nudged him with his shoulder. “Psssh, we all saw how her hand lingered on you. She definitely likes you.” 

“Definitely,” Rhys echoed. 

Toast smiled under his bucket. It might be a pipe dream, but in that moment he allowed himself to indulge in the fantasy. 

~~~

In the following weeks, you fell into a sort of routine. Toast would stop by your bakery at least once a week, sometimes more depending on his free time. And you cherished every moment you got to spend with him. Sometimes he would bring fellow members of the guard along, and every visit ended with your stomach cramping from how much you’d laughed at their various antics. You were confused how such a chaotic bunch of individuals were able to come together as an effective police force… that is until you met Commander Fox. His talent for wrangling them deserved a medal in your opinion. 

As much as you enjoyed his brothers, you really looked forward to the times where you and Toast were alone together. He’d always come to you with some wild story of an eccentric prisoner or a crazy heist perpetrated in the lower levels. Honestly you hadn’t expected him to be such a gossip, but you were hardly complaining. 

In return for his stories you started teaching him how to bake. It started off with him just watching you work as he talked, sometimes asking questions about what you were doing or peaking over your shoulder to get a closer look. Eventually he became an assistant of sorts, spending his time grabbing ingredients for you and washing the dishes once you were done with them. 

Today was the day you were going to convince him to bake a loaf of bread with you. You were going to start him off with a simple loaf of white bread, one that didn’t require much kneading and didn’t have a long proving time. You had already pulled out all the ingredients, bowls, and utensils and were waiting patiently for him to arrive. 

By the time you heard the bell ring and saw him coming through the door, you were tapping your foot in anticipation. He wasn’t late - in fact he was right on time as always - but you were just itching to see him. 

“Toast! You’re here!” Ugh, that was the best greeting you could come up with? you cringed internally. Luckily, he didn’t seem to mind your banal greeting, a smile on his lips as he pulled his bucket over his head and placed it on a nearby shelf. You found yourself longing for a reality where he greeted you with a peck on the lips along with that sweet smile. Maker, you had it bad for him. 

His eyes flashed over to the ingredients on the counter. “What are you making today?”

“I’m not making anything today. But we are. I think it's time for you to try your hand at baking. And in honor of your love of toast, we’re starting off with bread.” 

He rolled his eyes at that, but the corner of his mouth still quirked up, showing off one of his dimples. “Isn’t bread kind of hard to make though? Maybe we should start out with something simpler…” 

“Where’s your courage, soldier?” you teased, poking a finger at his chest. He huffed and you laughed. “Now c’mon, wash your hands and get your apron on.” 

He ended up taking the top half of his armor off, in only his blacks from the waist up, his sleeve rolled up to his elbows. You were half thankful and half disappointed the apron covered the way his form fitting shirt stretched across his chest. At least you wouldn’t be distracted, but boy oh boy did you want a closer look. 

The two of you chatted about your days as you started working on each of your loaves. With so few ingredients the process went quick, and soon enough you were kneading the dough. 

“Now this is called the slap and fold technique. First get your dough together in a ball like this… and then you slap it down!” You demonstrated by taking your lump of wet dough and slapping it down on the table. “Then you just fold it in half and repeat. We need to do it for about five minutes.” 

“I think you mean we knead to do it for five minutes,” Toast said with a cheeky grin.

“Blegh. Terrible.” You flicked a bit of flour at him as punishment. “I think you knead to be locked up for that pun.” Toast just laughed and continued working, the smile on his face never dropping. 

Once you were ready, you shaped both of the loaves and put them in the oven. When you turned back to him you couldn’t help but giggle. He was absolutely covered in flour. 

“What? Do I have something on my face?” He asked, face suddenly becoming serious. 

You stepped close to him and brushed his face clean with your thumb. “On your face, in your hair, on your shirt. I think you managed to get flour everywhere except the apron.”

“Well you were the one throwing it at me!” came his retort as he used his hands to shake his hair out, turning it from  grey back to its lovely dark color. 

“Touché. Now let me help you get cleaned up. I think you got some on your back. Somehow.” You grabbed a washcloth and wet it under the sink and started using it to wipe the flour off his clothes.  

“It’s one of my many skills from cadet training.” He told you, eyes twinkling, as you dabbed at a spot you missed on his face. You could feel his lips moving as he spoke. Stop thinking about how soft they probably are, you chided yourself. 

“You’re just lucky you’re so charming.” 

That made him blush and avert his eyes, which would have been cute if you weren’t worried you’d gone a bit too far. You didn’t want to embarrass him or anything. You had thought the two of you were flirting, but maybe you read the situation wrong. You were notoriously bad in the romance department, something Vella had told you after the third time you had missed a customer trying to flirt with you. 

Toast cleared his throat before turning back to you. He noticed you’d stepped back away from him and sighed internally. That would have been the perfect time to kiss you or ask you out or something. Anything other than dancing around each other like you two were doing now. Despite the fact that his brothers believed you two were already together - no matter how much he protested - he still wasn’t sure if you felt the same as he did. He had his suspicions, but what if he was wrong? You were his only friend outside of his brothers and he didn’t want to do anything to mess that up or make it awkward. 

He thanked the Maker you didn’t tease him, just turning and starting to wash the dishes. He grabbed a bowl and joined you at the big industrial sink, dunking his hands in the warm sudsy mixture and used the sponge to start scrubbing at the stubborn bits of dough that refused to come off. The two of you worked in silence, though not an uncomfortable one, Toast was glad to find. Just as he was finishing drying the last bowl, he remembered something. 

“Oh, uh, I almost forgot. Do you know Senator Amidala?” 

“Not personally, but I’ve heard of her.”

“Well, she is throwing a banquet or something in a few days and the bakery that was supposed to handle the desserts fell through at the last minute. Thorn suggested you as a replacement and asked me to ask you if it was possible.” 

“Hmm. It depends on how long I’d have, and what kind of desserts she wants. Plus how many guests she’s having. I’m not saying no, but I’m not sure how realistic it is. It’s just me, Vella, and two others on staff.” You had started pacing, already running the logistics through your head.

“What if me and the rest of the guard helped you?” 

You paused your pacing to look at him. “That could work… but would you all even be able to take off work?”

“Well, it’s been pretty slow this week and we’re spending most of our time getting ready for the party…” You responded with a noncommittal hum so he pressed on. “How about I call Senator Amidala and Commander Fox on the coms and we can get everything worked out?”

“Yeah, sure. That’d be great.” 

For the next twenty minutes you hashed out the details with Senator Amidala - Padmé, she insisted you call her - and Commander Fox. Eventually you settled on an order of one large, four-tiered cake and a hundred little fruit tarts. Fox had been hesitant to lend out his troopers until Padmé had offered to replace the old coffee machine in the guard’s office. The party was in three days, so it would be a tight deadline, but you were sure you could do it. Especially with the guard’s help. There was also the motivating factor of the hefty payment Padmé was offering. It would be enough for you to buy an army of cleaning robots!

As soon as you hung up you were already placing an order of the ingredients and messaging your employees to tell them about the job. You were so focused on your task that you jumped with the oven’s timer dinged. Toast stifled a chuckle behind his hand and you shot him a look as you pulled both loaves of bread out of the oven. Both loaves were a perfect golden brown and looked absolutely delicious. 

Toast hovered over your shoulder as you placed the bread on the cooling rack, and you had to slap his hand away a few times as you waited for them to cool. Once you could hold them safely in your hands, you handed Toast his loaf and took yours in your hands. “C’mon, let’s take a picture together with our bread.” You tucked yourself into his side and held your loaf up as he snapped the picture. 

Once you were satisfied with the picture you relented to his puppy-dog eyes and cut into the bread. You both slathered a piece in butter and tapped them together as if they were wine glasses before taking a bite. 

“Mmmmmhhh,” you both groaned in unison at the first bite of warm bread. There was nothing better. 

“This is so good.” You mumbled in between bites. 

“So much better than anything in the caf.” Toast agreed, his eyes half-closed in bliss. Before you missed it, you snapped a picture. Toast with his toast. It was perfect. 

~~~

You stared at the sight of the twenty clone troopers in front of you, decked out in aprons and hair nets, standing at parade rest in a line as Commander Fox, also in an apron, paced back and forth, hands behind his back, as he gave them their orders. 

“Now I want you all on your best behavior. It may seem like you’re on a break, but I want you to treat this as if you’re still on the clock,” He stopped pacing and turned to his men, “Do I make myself clear?” 

“Yes, sir!” They all responded with a salute. 

You took that moment to snap a picture of them all, Fox’s head snapping towards you at the click of the camera. “I want to remember this,” you told him, fighting back a smile. 

You turned to Padmé, who had insisted on coming to help out herself, bringing along her two droids and a Jedi to offer some extra hands. She came complete with a chic outfit for the occasion and you envied how good she looked at six in the morning. You showed her the picture and she asked, “Can you send that to me?” Fox huffed loudly and the two of you broke out into a fit of giggles. 

Once you got a hold of yourself you started listing out tasks that needed to be done to Fox. “We’ll need people to clean and cut the fruit for the tarts. Another group can help with mixing and cutting the crust. For the cake, we’ll also need one group handling the batter, and another the frosting and decorations. And we can rotate who is on dish duty.” 

Fox immediately started delegating out tasks to his troops and you assigned a member of your staff to help each group. Everyone quickly scrambled to start working on their tasks, the troopers clearly very excited to help. 

Throughout the day you flitted from group to group, demonstrating how to do things when needed. Your employees were handling everything so well and you made a reminder to yourself to give them a nice bonus after this. You stepped away from where Vella was showing the boys how to make flowers out of frosting and found Toast lecturing his brothers about the right way to measure flour. 

“You can’t just scoop it out straight from the bag, you’ll use too much that way. You have to sift it in like this,” He started demonstrating the proper technique for them, and you noticed he had somehow managed to get flour all over himself again. 

“Good job, Toast,” You said as you passed him, brushing the flour out of his hair as you went. “Keep up the great work, boys!” You gave them a thumbs up and moved onto the next group, dodging the R2 unit as it made a beeline to the fridge, a tray of freshly cut fruit balanced on its head. 

The next two days passed by smoother than you could have hoped. There were only a few minor incidents. Hound tripping over R2 and spilling some batter, Thorn having to scold Jek and Rhys for eating half of their frosting. Nothing you couldn't handle. Commander Fox had everyone working like a well oiled machine, making sure everything stayed on time. Throughout both days, Padmé’s protocol droid busied himself with taking pictures of the event, and Padmé promised to send them all to you after the party.

It got down to the wire, but you managed to put the last slice of jogan fruit on the hundredth tart with forty-five minutes to spare. Your employees handled loading everything up into the speeder to take them to the venue. You watched them out of the corner of your eye to make sure things went smoothly. Padmé came up to you and thanked you profusely for rushing such a huge order and promised to promote your business to all her friends before she and the rest of her entourage hopped into the speeder with your employees and took off for the party. 

You turned back to the clone troopers, who had already finished washing up most of the kitchen. “Don’t worry about the rest, guys, I’ve got it. You should probably start heading back and start getting ready.” 

“Trying to kick us out so soon?” Fox mused. 

You laughed. “Actually, before you go, I have a little surprise for you all. As a way to say thank you and as a pick me up before the party. I know those things can be tiring.” You went and retrieved the gift you had stayed up all last night working on, keeping it behind your back until you were right in front of them. 

You held out a plate of cookies shaped like their helmets, each one customized to look like the helmet of each of the troopers there. You had recruited C3-PO to take reference pictures of all of their helmets while they were working, and the droid had really pulled through for you, even managing to get detail shots for you. 

“Woah, are these our helmets?” Stone asked as you handed him his cookie. 

“Look, it’s me.” Thorn said to Fox as he waggled his cookie in front of his brother’s face. Fox rolled his eyes but even he couldn’t fight his smile away. 

You beamed as each of the troopers examined their cookies and thanked you for them. They all groaned as you forced them to get together for one last picture and the shutter had barely flashed before they were scarfing down the cookies. 

Once they were done, Fox and Thorn started hoarding the group through the door. Before Toast could follow his brothers, Fox turned to him, “You stay here and help out with the rest of the clean up.” 

Toast blinked for a moment before he responded with a “Yes, sir.” 

He waited until he was sure the last of his vode were out the door before he turned to you. He planned on saying something funny or romantic, but all his words failed him as you launched yourself at him and pulled him into a big hug. “Thanks for all your help. I couldn’t have done this without you.” You told him, your voice muffled from your spot pressed against his chest. He returned the hug and rested his cheek against the top of your head. 

You couldn’t be sure if it was him who tilted his head down or you who tilted your head up, but you soon found yourselves nose to nose. Maybe sleep deprivation lowered your inhibitions, because you soon found yourself raising up on your tiptoes and pressing your lips to his. His arms tightened around you as he returned the kiss, letting out a groan as you both melted into each other. It started off sweet and gentle, but quickly developed into something more heated as you swept your tongue across the seam of his lips. He let out another tortured whine as he opened his mouth up to you, pulling you flush against him with one hand falling down to grab your ass while the other hitched your leg over his hip. 

Eventually you needed to come up for air and reluctantly parted from him, a blush rising to your cheeks as the string of saliva that connected you broke and dribbled down your chin. He wiped it away with his thumb before bringing his forehead to rest against yours. The two of you stayed like that for a while, gazing into each other's eyes as you caught your breath. 

You brought up one of your hands to brush a bit of flour out of his eyebrow. “You managed to get flour on you somehow. I don’t think we even used flour today.” 

He grinned at you. “It’s one of my many charms.” 

You giggled and pulled him back in for another kiss. Your lips had just met when you heard a camera shutter go off and you both whipped your heads around to the source of the noise. 

Vella stood in the doorway to the kitchen, camera raised and a shit-eating grin on her face. “Haha, I knew it! Thire owes me ten credits!” 

Both of you blinked at each other for a moment before joining in with her laughter.

[theotherackerman]

My Mind Turns Your Life Into Folklore

Summary: Historia Reiss could not have approached Mikasa Ackerman with the idea of joining a band at a better time. After a falling out with Armin Arlert and Eren Jaeger, Mikasa decides to take her up on her offer joining alongside Ymir Langnar (bassist), Sasha Blouse (drummer), and Annie Leonhart (guitarist). With their new keyboard player and lyricist, they set off on a journey that takes them away from their hometown. After winning battle of the bands, they score a record deal. As they set to record their first album, their past begins to catch up to them.

RATING: MATURE

Ships:  Mikasa/Eren, Historia/Ymir, Levi/Hange, Armin/Annie, Pieck/Jean

Other Tags:    Minor Character Death, Past Character Death, girls supporting girls, Alternate Universe, music inspired, their friendship is super important

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: Any recognizable elements belong to Attack on Titan.

NOTES: December 26th

PROLOGUE: TIS THE DAMN SEASON

Somehow watching Star Wars the day after Christmas had become a tradition for Eren, Armin, and Mikasa.Maybe it was because Christmas was rough for all of them. So they had made their own little tradition.

It had started in high school when Armin and Eren were in complete disbelief that Mikasa had n ever seen Star Wars. They had just exchanged gifts including a book Armin received from Eren about the special effects in Star Wars.

“How can you have never seen Star Wars? Didn’t we watch it with you when we were younger?” Eren asked her as he picked up wrapping paper from the floor.

Mikasa simply shook her head.

“Well we’ve got to change that. Armin, you still have the dvds?”

“Of course, I do. I’m not going to get rid of Star Wars.”

“Right, right. You think grandpa would care if we came over tomorrow?”

“Hey, what if I have plans tomorrow?” Mikasa asked.

“Do you have plans tomorrow?” Armin turned his head to the side.

“Well no...but..”

“Okay, great. So tomorrow at Armin’s place.”

And that’s how it had started. Mikasa wasn’t sure if she actually liked Star Wars or if she just loved her two best friend’s reactions to it. Armin and Eren performed their favorite lines as they watched. One time they had bought shitty cheap lightsabers to have a battle one year which resulted in both Eren and Armin getting a black eye.

The venue changed frequently, a different person hosting each year. No matter how bad things got, how many family members died, none of that matter.

Because every December 26th, it was time for them to settle in front of the tv and watch Star Wars.

Until this year.

This year, there was no settling in front of a tv.

There was no exchanging of gifts.

This year, there was radio silence between the three of them.

All because of what had happened last year. It was New Year’s Eve. Armin, Eren, and Mikasa had gathered together. Mikasa had her father’s ring. She was going to ask Eren to marry her.

She was kneeling in the kitchen but Eren’s eyes were numb.

"I'm just going to be honest with you, Mikasa. I just dated you so I could know what it was like to fuck you. And I have to say, you're as good as I'd thought you'd be. But now  I'm done with this. You're just a slave who does what everyone else wants them to do. A people pleaser. I can't be with someone like that."

"Eren…" her voice cracked.

"I've always hated you, Mikasa."

BAM!

There was a connection of a fist to Eren's jaw. He stumbled back.

"How dare you say those things to her!" Armin yelled at him. Eren swung at Armin, hitting him. Armin punched Eren again. 

Mikasa pulled Armin off of Eren and shoved him to the other side of the kitchen. 

 "I don't need you defending me!" She screamed.

And then Mikasa ran from the house.

And Eren spat blood.

And Armin disappeared from the house

But the box holding Mikasa's dad's ring sat on the table all the same.

Mikasa sat in her room, watching the steam rising off of her cup of tea. Her book of lyrics sat in front of her.

She wondered about Armin and Eren. How were they doing? Were they coping okay with Eren’s father dying last year…..No.

She took a deep breath as she looked at the blank page in front of her.

She and Historia had written thirty six songs as options for the new album but that didn’t matter.

She had to keep writing. It was a way out of her head while still coping with everything.

If she wrote, she didn’t have to think about her dead parents, Armin’s dead parents, or Eren’s dead parents. She didn’t have to think about Armin’s grandfather dying earlier this year and how Armin had to be alone this year. She didn’t have to think about Ymir and Historia still fighting and what that meant for the band. What did that mean for the band?

Write.

Just write.

She took a deep breath.

Just as she was about to write, there was a knock on the front door.

She could hear Levi talking to someone.

Was it his partner?

She wasn’t sure.

She was stalling.

She needed to focus on writing.

The door to her room opened. Only one person didn’t knock when they came over so she didn’t bother to look behind her. The thud sound of someone falling onto her bed and the smell of whiskey only confirmed what she already knew.

“Things didn’t go well?” Mikasa asked, now she was really stalling.

“Oh no, things went fucking great. Can’t you tell?” Ymir’s voice was dripping with sarcasm. “I went to get drinks with her sister and her. Her sister hates me. She thinks Historia can do better.”

“Did she say that?”

“No. She just...I don’t know. I think Historia told Frieda what happened last week. Maybe, maybe she’s right. Maybe Historia is better off with someone like Reiner or that farm boy…”

Mikasa put her pen down before turning around.

“You and I both know you don’t mean that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. I’ve never seen you feel sorry for yourself before. What did you say to me when all that happened? Pull yourself together. Fuck her sister. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is your feelings and Historia’s. Fuck everyone else.”

“I think I said fuck a few more times in there.”

Mikasa nodded before she turned back around.

It was a strange friendship they had.

It had started due to the fact that Historia and Eren were normally nominated for king and queen of the high school dances. Since they could not dance with who they wanted to, they ended up dancing with one another.

Then Historia had come up with this idea for a band. An idea that would cement Ymir and Mikasa’s friendship.

A knock came from the front door again.

“Mikasa!” Levi yelled from downstairs.

She looked over at Ymir. The other girl was currently wrapping herself up in Mikasa’s blankets. No one outside the band and Levi knew that Mikasa was back in town for the holidays.

“Mikasa!” She heard him yell again.

She took a deep breath before she left her room. Eren couldn’t be here. He didn’t know. Not to mention he probably never wanted to talk to her again just like she didn’t want to face him again. If he was here, she’d….

She’d do something.

“Sign the delivery paper so this man can do away,” Levi gestured to the man holding a box and a scanner.

“I told you, sir, it can only be signed by..”

“I don’t care.”

Mikasa signed the paper, the man handed over the package, and Mikasa closed the door. She pulled the tab to open the cardboard box. Inside she found a smaller box. She dropped the cardboard box. She didn’t open the smaller box.

She already knew what was inside and who had sent it.

“What is that?”

“My father’s ring. He returned it.” She held the box out to Levi who stared at her for a moment. “Keep it safe for me, will you?”

The older Ackerman just nodded. Mikasa picked up the cardboard box off of the floor and threw it into the trash. She didn’t notice the letter inside that had floated to the floor. Levi would find it hours later.

[bittersweetbiscotti]

A Murder of Misfits

Chapter 2: Imprint

Fandom: Destiny 2

Rating: M for language, violence, and general unpleasant happenings

Ships: The Crow & Female Guardian (platonic)

Characters: Original Female Guardians, the Crow, and pretty much everyone else makes an appearance

Tags: Platonic Relationships, Found Family, Action/Adventure, Survival Horror, Humor with a lot of underlying angst, Canon-typical Violence, a bit of blood and gore, gonna get ya in the honey-nut feelios, the Fridge Horror that comes with being immortal

Summary: Murder (noun): 1) the unlawful premeditated killing of one human being by another 2) an unpleasant experience or punishment 3) a group of crows

Icarus and Atara-7 never had a full fireteam. No one really wants to work with a trigger-happy pyromaniac whose answer to everything is to throw a miniature sun at it. Then there's the intimidatingly huge EXO with a creepy Ghost. And the one Hunter who did have the guts to join their fireteam... he got kinda murdered by an insane Awoken Prince. That's just bad luck right there. Like broken mirrors and the number 13. But thanks to the Spider’s most selfless generosity, all that is about to change. What a whimsical twist of fate that his newest “assistant” happens to be an outcast, too, a newly born Lightbearer. And a Hunter! To complete the package! One could even call it “destiny”.

Nevermind that the new guy is the Crow, Uldren Sov, that aforementioned Royal Nutcase who murdered their previous Hunter. Nevermind that his new team members are the ones who killed him before his rebirth as a Guardian conveniently wiped away all his memories.

This is fine. Everything’s fine.

***

Nothing stayed a secret for very long in the Tower.

They may have been intended to be soulless killing machines, Risen with the Light’s seal of approval when it really came down to it, but Guardians were still people and still possessed all the failings of people. They grew restless with everyday meaningless tasks, grew bored of the constant killing now that the threat of mortality was removed. Even being able to murder each other as a form of “training” in the Crucible and Gambit didn’t always satisfy.

So the Guardians spiced up their daily lives with the one thing that was more thrilling than barging into a Fallen Kell’s ketch with only a basic hand cannon and a can-do attitude: gossip.

Two years ago, the main comms had been abuzz with all kinds of rumors, speculations, conspiracy theories, and even downright lies to shake things up. Uldren Sov’s death, in particular, had blown up the commlinks for the following months, mostly because no one knew exactly how he died, or even if he was really dead at all.

But alongside his death had been another deeply disturbing bit of news: a Guardian had been exiled to the Earth's Moon. On “probation”, as the Vanguard had put it. A fireteam was killed. No, several fireteams. Entire raid teams, even! Their Ghosts wiped out by Darkness. And this Guardian had been the cause.

Perhaps they had defected to the Awoken Prince’s side and turned on the Traveler... out of sympathy? Oh, oh! Maybe this Guardian and the Prince were actually lovers! A dark story of forbidden romance and betrayal. The drama! The tragedy! Movie when?

Others doubted this heavily; probation was simply not a severe enough punishment for something that extreme. Or ridiculous.

Also, no Guardian had died in the Dreaming City. All the raid teams that stormed the place had come back completely intact with no damage to their Ghosts... even if they also couldn’t recollect what exactly had happened. Most who were asked to serve the delicious tea didn’t want to talk about it at all, dismissing the events like a bad dream you can barely remember but you can feel wrapped around your neck all the same.

Icarus was never mentioned by name. Atara-7 couldn’t be more grateful for that. By sheer luck and the Vanguard’s attempts to shut down any conversation involving the Dreaming City, no one knew who the banished Guardian was. And with the typical Guardian back-and-forthing like ping pong balls all over the Sol system, it was impossible to tell for sure. Plenty of Guardians made rare appearances in the Tower for their own reasons.

But now, rumors that a Guardian who looked a little too much like Uldren Sov for anyone to be comfortable with was the lastest on the celestial grapevine. All those conspiracies and theories and speculations and lies came rushing back like a virtual communication tsunami. Voices of Guardians rang with the excitement of hunting this new Lightbearer down and seeing for themselves if the stories were true.

Read More at AO3

[rainy4thmonth]

Cherry magic - It's more than BL drama

Recently, i put my eyes into a fresh BL drama for Japan titled 30-san made doutei dato mahoutsukai ni narerurashi or if you virgin until 30 years old, it seems you'll become a wizard or known as Cherry maho (cherry magic). The title seems so long enough to forget it by its original name. You could get the information around almost all social media such as twitter or instagram. It's kinda trending somehow. Even in MyDramaList, they got more than 9.0 rating. The actor is not really new at japan entertainment. The protagonist is 30 years old a dull virgin, Kiyoshi Adachi who work as salary man, starred by Akaso eiji who well known in series Kamen rider build as Banjo Ryuuga. He start his career as a fashion model. The second lead is Kurosawa Yuichi, a perfect talent handsome man, colleague of Adachi who have crush on him, starred by Machida Keita, member of popular talent group, exile tribe. It seems that Machida already more popular before play this role. At first sight, they seems like another type of couple in romance drama, when the popular one meet an unpopular person then falling in love with each other, but before you judge it immediately, please watch for 3 episode rule, although maybe you could attracted to it only for first episode. I want to point out some of its good side. It maybe contain my self opinion, so maybe you have different opinion with me.

Warning: maybe contain spoiler

So what's make this drama so special? 1. The characters portray so well. Thanks to Director and Script Writer who make each Character more precious in drama. It's not like I say the manga version is bad, but i can tell that the Characters in drama are better. Adachi is an introvert character. The introvert trait here is not showed as hikikomori, or have anxiety disorder, but as a normal Introvert who still can work and speak to other people properly, although he's not good with large group of people (ep3). He have low self esteem but still he live based on his ideal. Being Salaryman is an usual job in Japan society, to manage to get this job, i think Adachi is not really fool. However, he often compare himself to someone else that make him have low self esteem. On other side, Kurosawa is an extrovert who looks perfect in other's eyes, not just because He's handsome, He also clever and easy going. To be top sales in the company, often surrounded by female co-worker, is normal things if others envy him. He also being gentleman around Adachi. However, nobody's perfect, bring those image everywhere is tiring to person like Kurosawa, because once he makes mistake, other people would bad-mouthing him. We also know somebody like him in real-life, right?. It makes Kurosawa hide problem for himself. However, He one day told Adachi about his heart problem (ep7) and surprisingly got unexpected respond. Adachi told that seeing his weakness is kinda refreshing. For the first time, He heard that 'it's okay being not okay' despite forcely being perfect all the times. Beside, Kurosawa is the character of seme who have really good self-control eventhough sometimes he have pervert mind (in manga He even more pervert, a closet pervert). We also got Fujisaki-san which also very different with manga version. In manga, Fujisaki is just merely hardcore fujoshi with wild imagination who ship Kurosawa x Adachi so hard and often have dirty mind of them. But in drama, Fujisaki is a friendly, cute and seems to be family-oriented woman whose the truth, She doesn't have any interest into romance. However, She wants Adachi happy with Kurosawa since She notice Kurosawa's feeling to Adachi. Tsuge is closest friend to Adachi. Tsuge is a bookworm novelist who likes cute creature such as cat (and minato LMAO). Tsuge gradually love Minato, the delivery man who recently often sent a package to him, after he got same power with Adachi. TBH, for the first time i feel second couple not as strong as main couple, but they're also got interesting story later. 2. The Actors and their acting. I like how they play their role and portray each character and bring this character live. We can see Akaso eiji and Machida keita have a good chemistry. Eventhough they didn't do intimate skinship, i can feel their feeling through their eyes. Even forehead kiss scene at episode 3 seems more romantic than kiss on lips. Akaso's awkward acting also seems natural and all his gesture create the super cute Adachi. Machida as Kurosawa is also gentle and handsome. His sight when see Adachi, I can see the pure love of Kurosawa to Adachi through his eyes. Surprisingly, Kurosawa who seems cool outside is cute and sometimes hilarious inside his mind (whether his imaginations or sudden poetry lol). Also their gesture and their inner voice match perfectly. 3. The story is not just about love between two guys. Maybe this drama cannot fullfills somebody's fetish who want bunch of skinship and intimate scene in every single episode on BL drama. If you are those kind of people, better not watch it or you'll miss every good point of its story. Ofcourse its main story is about homosexual difficulties, how Kurosawa have to hide his feeling toward Adachi and how Adachi should respond to Kurosawa's feeling because they both man, when it seems better as collage than as a lover. More that that, this drama also show a pure love with consent. Kurosawa always considers Adachi's feeling. He doesn't want Adachi to feel forced into relationship or being uncomfortable around him. It also tells about dream and goal, when Adachi feels nothing he want to reach in life but gradually change to find his goal (spoiler for next episode). It also tells about how someone's feeling can have impact to other's perspective. Because of Kurosawa's love, Adachi can grow up and move forward. Because of knowing that everyone have their own problem, Adachi can be more confident to help others. Also Tsuge who try to come out of his comfort-zone and reach Minato's heart. The never give-up Minato, the hardworking Rokkaku, and aromantic Fujisaki-san who likes her career. Every Character have their own story which are amazing. I rarely see BL drama that have those kind of value, very decent. 4. The comedy. Priceless expression and anime-like joke. If you don't similar with these kind of comedy, i don't know whether you can enjoy it or not, but i laugh very hard at some scene. Also the backsound of Kurosawa imagination always tickled me 😂. The mole scene, Tsuge and Adachi's hilarious headbanging, memeable face of Tsuge, Kurosawa's jealousy, etc. 5. Easter egg in each episode However i learn it after several rewatched. It tells that Kurosawa often pay attention to Adachi since episode 1, when Adachi enter the office then slipped his feet, Kurosawa suddenly stand up. It also means that Kurosawa research about Adachi ever since He had crush (7 years? 😳) That's why he's very confident when said "I know everythings about Adachi". Kurosawa already knows that adachi like sweet tamagoyaki, He already put his finger to take sugar (ep2) but he still asks Adachi to not look suspicious. In Kurosawa's imagination, Adachi wear white tshirt, that tshirt Adachi wear inside his shirt. He also imagine Adachi sleep at his personal bed 😳. Since Adachi caught by elevator door, Kurosawa hold the elevator door for Adachi (Ep 3-4). Adachi very love onigiri, there's onigiri's display on his desktop (ep6). I hope i'll find more next time 😂.

[artemisegeria]

Love by Design (Chapter 10/11)

Title: Love by Design (Chapter 10/11)

Rating: T

Word count: 3130

Warnings: None for this chapter.  

Summary: Vision makes elaborate foam art as a barista at the coffee shop that his brother owns. One day a new customer comes in, and he completely loses his cool. As she keeps coming back, they grow closer. A casual acquaintance becomes something much more.

Chapter Summary: Wanda and the others complete their surprise for Vision. Wanda plays in her recital.

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16272371

Chapter 1  | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 

“Wanda, Wanda.” A gentle shake of her shoulder brought her back to the present. She was in her own bed, an increasingly familiar warmth curved around her back. They had begun to stay together at least three to four nights a week. Despite the nightmare, she still thought it funny that they spent more time together now that Vision had his own place. His concerned face led her back to the moment. “You seemed to be having a nightmare.”

Wanda rolled over to face him as she nodded and shuddered slightly. Vision let his hand travel from her shoulder to her jaw. “Was I saying anything out loud? Pietro always says I talk in my sleep.”

“You were apologizing.”

“Oh.” She was tempted to leave it at that and change the subject, but looking at Vision’s sympathetic frown encouraged her to go on. He pulled her closer, placing a hand on her back and softly massaging her. “It was my parents and my brother. They were saying that it was my fault they got sick. I had cursed them, and that was why I was the only one who didn’t get sick.”

“I’m sure none of them ever thought that.” Vision continued to rub soothing patterns over her back, and she let herself sink into the comfort he was offering. “I’ve heard the stories you’ve told of your family and I saw the way you were with your brother. I cannot imagine that any of them would begrudge your not getting sick; they would be happy that you were spared that pain.”

She leaned into his shoulder. He wrapped one arm around her shoulder and he brought his other hand up to cup her cheek. He kissed her forehead while brushing away the remnants of her tears. She leaned into him further.

He kissed her gently, touching his lips to the corner of her mouth.

“It’s always worst when I’m worried about something.”

“Is it the recital?”

She nodded. “It’s been so long.”

“You’ve been practicing hard. You’ll be ready.”

“Thanks.” She was finally able to smile weakly at him. He brushed the remaining tears from her cheeks with his thumbs and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “Can we stay like this for a while?”

“Yes, it’s early.”

Wanda relaxed further into his embrace, taking the opportunity to let her pain and worries float away.

***

On the morning of the last rehearsal, the day before the actual recital, Wanda was glad for an excuse to get out of the apartment. Vision had already left his place to go to the library for the day, according to his early morning text, and she had asked him to stay at hers that night to distract her from her nerves. It was true that she was nervous. Preserving the surprise they had planned was only a bonus.

They had already planned to have their friends come to Vision’s place after her recital. They had been urging him to give them the full tour. But as far as Vision knew, it was only a simple dinner together. She hoped he would appreciate the far more elaborate plans they had.

She walked around the corner to where Scott’s van was parked. Everyone else was already inside. She put on her seatbelt, and they drove to Vision’s apartment.

They tried to unload all the boxes as quickly as possible. Once they were done, they arranged everything. Wanda orchestrated the placement of all the items, glad that there was still an empty bookshelf against the wall of the main living room.

As a finishing touch, Wanda placed the model ship she had retrieved on top of the bookshelf. She truly hoped Vision would focus on more on the happy early memories he had of his brother, rather than recent events.

***

Vision arrived at the community center an hour early to save seats for all of his and Wanda’s friends. He needn’t have worried because there were only a scattering of people in the hall, but he wanted to be sure.

Natasha arrived first. She sat next to Vision with a smile. “Everyone else should be here in a bit. Nice flowers.” She gestured to the bouquet of peonies he was resting in his lap.

“Thank you. They’re her favorite.” He remembered the last time he gave Wanda flowers. Though there was still a bitter pit in his stomach about Ultron’s betrayal, he was relieved that he would not ruin this moment.

Vision watched the musicians set up. Wanda gave him a small wave. She looked calm and unruffled, much to his relief. She had only grown more nervous over the last week. Seeing her begin to warm up showed him that this was her natural element. It was different from the times she had casually played piano for him. Here, she was focused, intent, in control of every movement.

Vision tried not to stare to hard. Natasha’s gaze always seemed uncomfortably probing when he and Wanda were in the same room. They were both convinced that no one knew about their relationship, but Vision privately thought Natasha might suspect. So he turned his attention to the other audience members.

When Clint, Sam, Steve, Bucky, Tony, Scott, Hope, Mantis, and Nebula trickled in, he shared conversation about their preparations for the upcoming school year until an announcement was made that the recital would begin in five minutes. Wanda gave him one more glance, and he shot her a brief thumbs up. He fancied that she looked more comfortable when she turned back to the cello.

***

Wanda accepted his bouquet was huge smile on her face. It was so much better than the last time he had given her flowers, with no interruptions. She fought the urge to kiss him on the cheek in thanks. They had not yet discussed when and how they would reveal their relationship to the group.

So she settled for a simple “Thanks, Vizh.”

“You are very welcome.”

Everyone else clapped her on the back and offered congratulations. The recital had gone as well as she could have imagined.

Natasha shot her a glance when Vision was turned away from them, gathering up his things. When he turned back to her, Wanda sniffed the bouquet appreciatively. “Hey, Vizh, could you do me a huge favor and help us pick up?”

“I would be happy to.”

Natasha walked up between them. “I’ll take your keys if you don’t mind. We can set up the food and drinks while you’re helping Wanda.”

Vision pulled his keys out of his pocket. “Here you are, Natasha.”

She winked at Wanda as she ushered the others toward the doors. Wanda drew him toward the rest of the musicians, introducing him around. They cleaned up all the instruments. Vision carried her cello toward her car. She stalled for as long as was reasonable.

She leaned toward him over the center console. “So…What did you think, really?”

“I admit I don’t have much comparison, but I thought you all played wonderfully.”

“And you’re not just saying that to be nice?”

“Not at all. I love your music. It’s an integral part of you.”

“Thanks.” Wanda could feel herself blushing, but she pushed the butterflies aside. She moved closer to him, tugging on his lapel. She fluttered her eyelashes at him. Vision’s eyes darted around, but upon noticing that the parking lot was almost empty already, refocused on her. “Care to give me a kiss before we’re surrounded by nosey friends?”

“I would.” He reached up to cup her face in his hands. Wanda still wasn’t used to the feeling of his tender caresses. They filled her with joy. Vision pressed his lips against her and pulled back. Wanda leaned forward to close the gap. They took turns kissing each other until Vision finally straightened up with every appearance of reluctance. “Loath as I am to cut this short, should we not join our friends?”

“I guess.” She trusted she had given them enough time. She buckled her seatbelt and Vision followed suit. “Let’s go.”

It was a short drive to his apartment followed by a short walk up the stairs to his floor. Wanda stood directly behind Vision when he opened the door. “Surprise!” they all shouted in unison. Vision was absolutely frozen, his mouth open helplessly. A banner proclaiming, “Welcome Home!” hung above Vision’s kitchen table. Balloons were also scattered around. A cake decorated with a set of keys and a cello sat on the table, while packages were piled on a side table.

Vision’s eyes flickered all around the room, from his now full bookcase to his laptop sitting on his desk. Wanda was beginning to think he was upset when he did not smile, but when he finally turned to her there were tears in his eyes, but he did not look displeased. “How?” he asked simply, voice coming out as a bare whisper.

“Well, Scott and Natasha had the idea to liberate your things from Ultron’s buyers. Then, we all got together to collect it. That’s why I asked for a key, so we could bring your stuff here as a surprise. And before you argue, we didn’t touch a thing that wasn’t rightfully yours, and they won’t go after us.”

“I-I wasn’t going to argue.” Vision still seemed mystified. She noted his eyes land on the model ship before he turned back to her.

“Sorry about that. I know things with your brother are hard right now, but I thought-.”

Wanda could not finish her thought before Vision softly gripped her shoulders and his mouth descended upon hers. She could barely think as his lips roved over hers. She returned the kiss eagerly.

He pulled away abruptly. “Oh, I-I didn’t mean…” His eyes moved from Wanda to the friends who are were all grinning smugly at them.

Cheers broke the silence that had fallen around them. “Finally,” Natasha sighed.

“It was about time,” muttered Tony.

Wanda looked at them sharply. “You knew?”

“Of course. We all did. Didn’t you notice that we stopped trying to matchmake as much. We figured it would be redundant.”

Sam chimed in, “Don’t look so horrified, Wanda. We’re happy for you and Vision.”

“I’m not horrified. I just thought we were being careful.”

Clint laughed. “Yeah, staring at each other and fighting not to cuddle every time you sat next to each other during game night was real subtle.” Wanda glared at him, but her eyes shifted to Vision. He had remained quiet throughout all this. He was still looking guilty and downtrodden, though their friends had clearly known for a long time before his public kiss.

She slid her arm around his waist. His lips began to form a smile in response. He put an arm around her shoulder.

They were interrupted again when Tony said, “Okay, okay, we really are happy for you guys, but I think we’ve seen enough PDA for the day. Let’s get this party started.” Wanda stuck her tongue out at him, but she accepted a plate from him.

It was nice not to having to hide from her friends any longer. Despite Tony’s complaint, she took full advantage of the revelation to stay by Vision’s side all night. They sat close together, holding hands or giving each other small pecks when their friends’ attention was elsewhere.

When Vision began opening his housewarming gifts, he thanked everyone profusely. Wanda was glad she was able to help everyone choose the items he really needed. Most of the gifts were décor that would liven up his apartment and turn it into a true home. Wanda made sure he saved the best for last, which they had all contributed to. Vision gave everyone a full-bodied grin when he opened the fancy coffee maker that rivaled any professional set up. “I cannot thank you all enough.”

Scott patted him on the back. “That’s what friends are for.” Their friends all murmured agreement, and Wanda squeezed his hand.

The rest of the night passed in laughter and fun, with games and copious amounts of teasing.

***

Vision woke up before Wanda on her first day of teaching. He was glad that he had awoken first because he had grown so used to late mornings since he no longer had to open the coffeeshop. The freelance tutoring and editing he had taken up in recent weeks to make ends meet allowed him enough freedom in his schedule to let his day be overly unstructured.

He rose and gathered the ingredients to make Wanda a proper breakfast, as opposed to the single coffee drink she usually opted for. Wanda’s alarm blared at seven a.m. sharp. Vision waited five minutes, but the alarm was still playing and no other sounds could be heard from her room.

He found her, face down in the pillow, mouth open and still sound asleep. Vision grinned a bit. He hated to wake her because she so seldom found refuge in deep sleep, but she would not want to be late for her first day.

He turned off her alarm and gently shook her shoulder. “Wanda, it’s time to get up.”

He was met with only a groan. “I have breakfast ready for you.” She groaned again. “Your students will be waiting for you.” Wanda buried her head deeper in the pillows. Vision found his lips curving up unconsciously. He would always take this sort of reaction over the last time he had to wake her up after a nightmare.

He shifted to rub her neck. “Wanda, I apologize, but you must wake up. I will be forced to resort to drastic measures soon if you do not get out of bed.” This threat also brought no response. With a sigh, he pulled all the covers off her.

She sat upright instantly, glaring at him. He thought some of the emotion might even be genuine. “Was that really necessary?”

“I think so. You were not responding.”

“I would have gotten up in a minute.”

Vision couldn’t stop a dry remark. “Yes, you looked like you were ready to spring out of bed.”

She tossed a pillow at him, which he caught easily. “Fine, I’m up now.” Her expression softened. “Did I hear you say you made breakfast?” A pleading tone entered her sleep-roughened voice.

“Yes, it will be ready for you whenever you are.”

“Thank you.” She finally rose and kissed his cheek. “I’ll be out soon. I just need to take a quick shower.”

“I will see you then.”

As promised, it was only about ten minutes before she came out to her kitchen. They sat down together, passing easy chatter about their upcoming days back and forth. When it was time for Wanda to walk to school, Vision gave her a brief kiss on the lips and wished her well.

***

The first couple of weeks in the new school year passed in a blur. Vision was spending every spare moment preparing for his presentation and Wanda was staging try outs for the Fall musical.

The day for Vision to leave for his conference arrived with a last burst of summer heat. Wanda crept out of bed early, impressed that she had woken before Vision for once. The first thing she saw when she exited the bedroom was his bag laid neatly by the door. She grinned to herself, always prepared early.

She heard the shower begin running, so she started putting breakfast together. Vision was still the better cook, but she had learned a thing or two over the past months. He took such good care of her that making breakfast was the least she could do for him.

Vision’s smile fell on her like the sun when he eventually emerged in a suit and tie. “Good morning, Wanda.”

“Morning, Vizh.” She took a moment to straighten his tie unnecessarily and wipe nonexistent lint off his shoulders. “All ready, I see.”

“Yes. And thank you for breakfast. It smells wonderful.”

“You’re welcome. Eat up while I do the dishes. Then, we can get going.”

Vision ate his omelette quickly, fingers of one hand unconsciously tapping against his knee under the table. Wanda reached for his hand to still it. He looked up at her with wide eyes, and she smiled soothingly at him.

“You’ll be great.” He shook his head slightly, and she squeezed his hand. “I’m going to tell you what you told me last month. You’ve been getting ready for this for months. You’ve done the presentation for me multiple times. You’re prepared.”

“Thank you.”

Vision leaned his forehead against her shoulder, and she wrapped her arms around his torso.

“Of course. Now I’ll clean up while you take care of the final details.” Wanda shooed him away, smiling at the look of abject gratefulness he sent her. She would still have to work on that.

A few minutes later, Vision returned. Wanda had already set the dishes to soak and was standing in the middle of the room. He approached her, reaching for her hands. “Just let me put my shoes on.”

She went to the bedroom, slipping into her shoes and grabbing her bag. Once she came out, she pulled him with her down the stairs, straight to her car. The drive to the airport was pleasant and uneventful; very little traffic got in their way.

Wanda parked at the curb. She got out, but kept the car running, mindful of the glare of the attendant who was on alert for anyone who tried to park in the unloading zone. “Have a safe trip, Vizh.”

“I am certain it will be well. I will let you know when I land.”

“You better.” She leaned up to kiss him once more. It was not as satisfying a kiss as she might have wished, but she was still aware of the audience of travelers coming and going. Wanda brushed her lips over his one last time before pulling away.

Vision intertwined their fingers. “I will miss you, Wanda.”

“I’ll miss you, too. But we can talk or text whenever we want. Let me know if you need a little pep talk.” She reached into her bag to pull out the box she had hidden inside. “And open this before your talk.”

His eyes lit up with curiosity. “Thank you. I will. I am certain that I will need encouragement before the actual presentation.”

Wanda caught the eyes of the attendant again. “I have to go, but I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Goodbye, Wanda. Have a good day at school.”

He waved at her one last time as he walked through the automatic double doors. She watched him go wistfully before getting back in her car and driving away.

[spectrumscribe]

lonely and craving feedback

below is a rough draft section from my original novel, North of the End of the World (wip title), and i just.... wanna see what people think of it’s tone so far? i’m gonna come back and smooth shit out later, but for the most part this is the basics of what i want it to be like.

all below the cut. it’s a dystopian setting, with adult characters, so while nothing too pg happens in this tidbit i still wanna remind yall to be careful with yourselves.

------------------

Colorado City. It’s the biggest one in the province, the rest of them scattered towns, clinging to other ruins. Colorado City is tangled, dirty, and overly full, even with it’s large size. It’s not even in ‘Colorado’, wherever that is. It got built on some other city, up in the northern of what was Alberta, Canada.

Colette doesn’t really care if the name is all wrong; it’s a city, it’s where she lives, that’s the end of things. She doesn’t need to know more than that to get by.

Colorado isn’t anyone’s home, far as she’s concerned. It’s just a place they’ve all gathered to clamber over one another; clawing out lives for themselves in a toxic environment, with nowhere else to go. Wasteland towns pop up and get swallowed up in the same month, sometimes. The only consistency anyone can find is here, or another big city. For whatever reason, the biggest of the ruins stay where they are; persevering through the fallout and standing tall.

They’ve even remained sturdy enough that new structures could be built around them, and under them. There are so few places left for humans, where they can defend themselves from the world. They’ve had no choice but to remain in cities like this, forcing it to accommodate them. Multiple levels, suspended between buildings, created to provide more room in their crowded metropolis. The same treatment done downwards; just as equally tangled and packed in.

Colette likes her burrow on the below ground levels. She likes it because the lights in the area are always malfunctioning, because skittering creatures make home in the shadows, because everyone else hates it and she enjoys being contrary.

She also likes it because finding work is easy. Someone who knows the underground like her is valuable, good for odd jobs. Colette has a near flawless success rate in whatever errands she’s given- be it locating an item, delivering something, just about anything, really.

And, unlike most other folks, Colette isn’t scared of the dark, or what hides in it. She’d walk through a pitch-black tunnel no problem; she wouldn’t even flinch. Nothing there is of any real threat, honestly; nothing to be afraid of. It’s what’s inside of people that scares her.

Still, she needs to eat. So, whenever she wakes up each day or night, Colette rolls herself out of bed to get dressed and head out. She knows the hotspots for the sorts of jobs she wants; quick and short, but decent enough pay. The people who frequent those hotspots know her well enough to refer interested parties.

Tonight, Colette wants something she can get done in a few hours. She’s still sore in her left leg from where someone got a lucky kick in. Serves her right, underestimating the thief she’d been sent to steal from. Stupid kid couldn’t have been older than fifteen, but he fought like hell to keep the package he stole.

Colette had kicked the shit out of him in exchange, and pried the package out of his singed hands. The consequences of his theft far outweighed the gain from it, in Colette’s opinion. All the kid had to show for it were burnt fingers and an introduction to the heel of her boot.

She kind of feels sorry for the nameless thief, because that’d been her at some point. But, she learned. She got smarter and tougher. If the thief is lucky, he’ll live long enough to do that, too.

The bar she’s visiting tonight is closer to a giant hole in the wall than a proper establishment. The painted sign on the concrete ceiling says High Street’s End, but the tunnels have no real streets, so most people just call it Jerry’s. Colette calls it a shithole, personally.

She’s woken up in the afternoon today, so the dinner rush hasn’t started yet. There’s plenty of after work drinkers, though, scattered in numbers large enough Colette knows she’ll get to eat tonight.

She lifts her scarf a little higher, over her chin. The strung-up lights of the bar wash out her already sun deprived skin, bleaching her long, tangled blonde hair to near white. Colette has two layers on, a thick sweater and long coat. It hides how lean she is, bulks up her small stature. Doesn’t help the fact that her feet dangle when she sits down on the metal bar stool. A glass of water is set in front of her on the counter, clean and clear.

Colette takes it and drinks it in just a few gulps. Good water is hard to come by; many sources are tainted. Jerry’s bar is special because of that. He can purify it, no matter how filthy.

He’s also older than nearly anyone else around here, making it to the point where his hair is almost pure white and grey. Colette doesn’t much like people, but she has something like fondness for Jerry. He’s a stout set man with a trim beard, paired with a sense of humor that’s as endearing as it is annoying.

“Evening, Russian Colette,” Jerry says with a cheeky grin, leaning on the counter. “You on any particular errand right now? ‘cause I’d rather you didn’t break my furniture again with a brawl.”

Colette shakes her head no. She digs a coin out of her pocket and flashes it in front of Jerry, the five-dollar digits imprinted on it making her point clear.

“Ah, job hunting,” Jerry says, nodding. He takes the coin and digs into his own pockets, producing a notebook. He flips through it, the arthritic swell of his fingers stiffening the action by the slightest margin. “Well, let’s see here… got a few requests for runners up to the topside, two for finding missing persons, an advertisement about a prophet geared educational group…”

I hate being upstairs, Colette signs, though it’s mostly for her own benefit, and those missing people are dead or shipped off already. The group thing is a scam. Probably another con to catch any young magicians without anyone watching them.

“What’s that?” Jerry is bemusedly confused by her hand signs, like always. “You know I only recognize my name in all that hand waving, right? Use a paper, woman.”

Colette raises one hand and lifts a single finger. Jerry guffaws.

“Now that I know the meaning of,” he says, chortling still. “Sorry, but that’s all I’ve gotten today. And you already refused everything else I have.”

Colette snorts. The other jobs Jerry has on offer are as shitty as the newest ones. She passed on all of them because they either paid like shit for an enormous amount of effort, or because she knew she wouldn’t be able to complete it and so wouldn’t be paid.

She taps her glass pointedly. Jerry obliges her a refill of water, right from the tap alongside his beer options. As he hands it to her, he says, “Think on it a little more before you leave, alright? Your good business is good my business, and you haven’t taken a job from here in a few weeks.”

Colette shrugs. She’ll think about it, sure. She’ll think about how stupid the jobs are, and then she’ll leave to find better ones.

Jerry moves on, going to greet other customers coming in. Colette sips slowly at her water, enjoying its sweet freshness. As much as she’d like to buy another five waters, and a hot meal on the side, Colette is counting her coins and not liking the numbers. Jerry’s right; she’s been skimming without serious jobs for a while. Any longer and she might have some trouble.

And speaking of trouble; Colette turns on her stool, hearing a chair be knocked over and rancorous laughter. She raises an eyebrow at the poor guy who’s the butt of the joke. He’s big, bigger than almost anyone Colette’s known. Tall and well fed. He’s also got clothes that lack the level of wear and tear hers has, that everyone’s around here has. Nice deep green coat and a shiny leather satchel; boots that could be new, all the buttons on his shirt still.

He doesn’t look like someone who’s a member of the Families in the city, though. Those sorts never come down here anyway. The guy looks about her age, maybe younger. Early twenties, likely. He’s got a soft cheeked face, with equally soft dark curls framing it. Colette looks at his skin and thinks of the grove of acorn trees she once saw; nuts light as sun to dark as earth. He’s between that, the sort of brown that lets you know it’s not too early or too late to eat the nut.

Colette pushes away the memory of that warm fall, from somewhere far in her past. The guy picking himself up off the ground may look as strong as an oak tree, but he’s clearly no better than a dried twig. Colette can give him a single glance and know he’s easy prey, a target for anyone to take advantage of.

Not her scene. Colette does some pretty terrible things to make ends meet, but she doesn’t cross the line like that. Kicking a thief around is one thing; robbing someone of everything they have is quite another.

Colette grimaces, watching the out-of-towner huff and scold the group of men he’s sitting with. Now she feels all melancholic about how awful everyone here is. She finishes her drink of water, annoyed that her evening has barely begun and it’s already been spoiled.

Colette whistles at Jerry to get his attention, rubbing her fingers together to show she wants one of the jobs. Her mood is quickly sliding into prickly grumpiness; she might as well ruin it further.

When Jerry asks which job she wants, Colette jerks a thumb across her throat.

tbc

[iridescentseawitch]

Ch. 24 - One Last Dance

Hello everyone! Tumblr doesn’t like external links so I will post new chapters of my long running Mystic Messenger Fic Star Crossed Entertainers here on this tumblr as well. All other chapters you can find on AO3 username MonotoneManday if you want to start from the beginning. Thank you!

Also I do have commissions open as I am in a bit of a financial crisis. Please DM for details! (:

"It's stuck! We can't get out and the steam is filling up the room fast!" "Harmful steam?" "Well it's certainly not playful Steam!!" "Oh Shut up, Mary! Do you want to get out of here or not?!" "MY NAME IS VANDERWOOD! Stop trying to be buddy-buddy with her and help me pry this door open!" "It's not going to open from in here!" Vanderwood was desperately trying to get any grip on the large metal door that he could while Seven was trying his best to work through the steam and find any other options. "How about both of you shut up, and one of you give me your location!" "North East section, in the 3rd hanger, 4 units down and on the right!" "Wow...you think you two would be a better team if you're that in sync." "Just hurry!" The station went silent as the two men continued to look for an escape route just in case their third party couldn't make it to them on time. She was running faster than she had run in quite some time. Her breath's were even and sweat was rolling down her neck. Her long hair was tucked up in a plain black baseball cap. "I can't get a grip on anything! The steam is too hot! Seven any other options?" "Yeah, the door being opened from the outside!" She tried to pick up the pace, but the next turn she was supposed to take came up and she could see the shadows of people that clearly were the enemy. She tried to turn on her heel but the rate at which she tried to stop had forced her flat on her ass. She shuffled backwards furiously and then got up to once again run at top speed but in another direction. "Listen! I'm a single person trying to avoid a large wave of people looking for intruders. Of which I am one. And I am trying to avoid them while making my way to the idiots that alerted them of intruders. Idiots that set off a trip wire, LIKE THIS WAS THE FIRST MISSION THEY'D EVER BEEN ON."   She ducked into an archway where a small drinking fountain was kept. She removed her backpack and took out four small discus shaped devices. "Seven, how do these little UFO things work?" "Oh! My gadgets. Ho~Ho~! They'll divert sound. Well I mean technically they will pick up your sound and transfer it somewhere else. Don't ask how it works. Unless you're a big genius boy like me, you won't understand." "JUST TELL HER WHAT TO DO WITH THEM, IDIOT!" "OKAY! Just attach them to a wall or, preferably the ceiling so the go unnoticed. Keep one with you. Turn that one clockwise until the LED strip is red. The others, it doesn't matter what color. The different colors just mean different sounds they put out. It doesn't exactly mute any sound you make it just kind of, pads it, and then lets it out elsewhere. So if you stomp around, it won't sound like stomps, just maybe light footsteps? And then wherever you put the other ones it will expel that sound in the hopes to distract or divert the enemy." "Can I throw them?" "They should withstand a simple toss. They're magnetic so no worries about stickage." "That's not a word and wait...'in the hopes to' meaning, YOU HAVEN'T TESTED THEM?!" "Listen Mary, with all the chores you give me, I didn't have time." "Oh you pea brained little-!" "Stuff it, Vanderwood! Lay off! Let's just hope they work and I didn't just waste precious getaway time." She turned one of the disks to red, just like Seven said and sprinted in a new direction. Making sure to spread them well enough apart, she tossed the three others up on the ceiling one by one. Several long strides later and she arrived at the door. She knocked with the outer part of her fist. "I'm looking for a couple of Morons, would that be who is occupying this room?" "JUST OPEN THE DOOR!" "Wow, again. You two really need to take this act on the road." She looked for a lever, a handle, a latch, something to open the door. "You have got to be kidding me? What kind of old-timey steamboat shit is this?" "What do you see?" "It's a turn wheel! Like you would steer a ship with but..." She gripped the handles and pushed using all of her body weight. "It won't move!" "Well from in here it looks like an automatic door that obviously shuts off when an alarm goes off." "Thanks, Seven. I'm sure that information really helps her." "Just shut up! I can't move it!" She went from pushing to pulling, planting her legs firmly and trying to use them as anchoring leverage. "I have to break it loose." She knew she needed to put every bit of her body weight into it. She looked above her head and saw some exposed piping. She stepped on the turning wheel and hoisted herself up to the pipe. She grabbed onto it in a pull up motion and firmly placed both her feet on separate wheel grips. Putting all of her weight down on her feet and pushing the grips forward, she held her breath and tried to focus all of her energy. Feeling the wheel slowly start to move she stopped pushing. Swinging back and forth on the pipe she was gripping she built momentum and in one swoop coming forward, she kicked the wheel and released the pipe. The wheel snapped out of it's locked position and rapidly spun while the door started to pry open. She laid on the floor catching her breath, when the two men that were trapped inside swooped her up by the pits of her arms and ran with her dragging behind. The three sat on the dock. Seven untying the boat, and Vanderwood inside of the boat, making sure the package they had retrieved was tucked away, safe.   "You guys are unbelievable. I have to be on a plane in 30 minutes!" "No one said you had to tag along on our missions." "Yeah, it's not our fault you miss the action since you've gone on the straight and narrow path." "Quit bitchin. What if I wasn't here?" "...we would have figured it out." "Okay, Seven. You keep telling yourself that. I need to make a phone call." She walked further up the dock and took out her cellphone, pacing back and forth waiting for the call to be connected. "Welp! Mission Accomplished!" Seven spoke in high spirits as he jumped in the boat. "Better take off soon!" "And you really think whatever we just collected will help you find your brother?" Vanderwood nodded to where he stored the back pack. "I truly think so." "You better hope it helps a little, or that one is going to be pissed." Again Vanderwood nodded toward up the dock where their third party member could no longer be seen. Suddenly bright spotlights, large in diameter started to whirl around outside of the fortress they just left. Alarms  were ringing at eardrum shattering levels. "START THE BOAT!" She was running back up the dock towards the boat signalling them to pull away from the dock. Vanderwood fired up the engine and started to drive away. She would either jump in or swim a short distance for them to throw something to her. Seven was getting the rope prepared to throw out when a bullet flew by his head and hit the exterior of the boat. "SNIPERS!" Seven yelled as he hit the deck and Vanderwood ducked as much as he could while still trying to navigate the boat. She reached the end of the dock, all of her weight pushing down so she could spring herself off of the deck and into the water. More shots rang out. "AAHHH!" "SAMANTHA!" The bullet just grazed her ankle but it threw her off balance, she slipped off the dock, into the water. She immediately tried to just start swimming, but she felt a tug on her skull. "What are you doing?!" "My hair! It's stuck!" Her long ginger hair had fallen out of it's baseball cap and was now tangled in the splintering wood and loose nails holding up the old rickety dock. "Just pull it off of there and swim! It's just hair!" "It won't come out!!" Sam grabbed onto her hair and tugged and tugged but her hair would come loose from the dock, her skull, or break apart. Seven looked around the boat desperately for something to use and grabbed the first thing he knew would work. He dove into the water and swam to the dock. Vanderwood killed the engine and turned off the lights in hopes that they wouldn't be visible for just even a split second to buy them some time. "Samantha!" Seven reached her and tried to pull on her hair but came up with the same results. "Okay, Sam, we're gonna have to burn it off..." "I don't care!" She was obviously in pain and if she could just rip her hair off like a wig she could. Seven removed the mini blowtorch he took from the boat and let the blue flame burn off the strands of hair that were stuck. Once she could feel she was released Samantha dove in the water the rest of the way and began swimming to the boat. Seven burnt the pieces that were tangled in the wood and the nails and the bits left in his hand he tossed into the water. Trying not to leave any behind. He swam to the boat and Samantha pulled him on board. Vanderwood kicked on the engine and hightailed it out of the area, leaving the light off for quite a bit of time. The had traveled for about 15 minutes. Samantha and Seven drying off and getting warm. "You know, for a last hurrah, this sucked." "Well I guess the bright side is you never have to come with us again!" Vanderwood looked down at his watch. "Were you able to move your flight?" "Yeah! Is there time to get you to a salon or...a barber? Our treat!" Seven rubbed the back of his neck as he flashed Samantha a nervous smile. "...well, h-hey! Isn't working with us a lot more fun than beating people up for the mafia?" "No." Samantha and Vanderwood both answered Seven immediately and deadpanned. "I heard you've really turned things around, Samantha. A non-violent Mafia family? I don't think it works like that." Vanderwood steering the boat, spoke without looking towards the two redheaded passengers. "We don't use unnecessary violence. I'm doing good things okay. And don't try to downplay what I've done like I've lost power. We're still one of the strongest and most powerful families around. I just do things my way." Samantha stood up and dropped her towel she was drying her burnt hair with. She stood tall and inhaled the night air blowing off of the water. "I'm done carrying the world on my shoulders. And I'm done feeling sick of who I am and what I do. I've become the woman I want to be. This last mission with you two was thrilling and all. But no more shenanigans for me." "Thanks for helping out these past couple of months Sam. I really appreciate it. It's all brought me so much closer to finding my brother. And if other things come up, I hope you'll still help out in some way. The three of us make a good team." Seven stood up and thrust his hand out towards Samantha. She wrapped her arms around him and gave him a family like embrace instead. "Of course I will." She released the hug and gave him a sincere smile before quickly changing the tone. "But don't call us a good team. This was horrible. I'm angry, and I can't believe you two get hired by legitimate agencies." Sam heard Vanderwood let out a small chuckle. "Now get me to my flight home. I have a date."

[thesevenseraphs]

Bungie Weekly Update - 9/20/18

This week at Bungie, Power is enabled.

Lord Saladin has returned once more to host the Iron Banner. Power matters, and players are feeling it. Some who conquered the “Last Wish” raid are taking their newly earned rewards out for a spin, while others are completing their weekly challenges in search of powerful rewards.

Across the pond, we’ve deployed our away team to EGX! If you happen to be in Birmingham, UK, make sure to stop by. We have opportunities to meet the developers, and a panel that goes deeper on the creation of the Dreaming City. If you’re unable to make it, the discussion panel will also be streamed.

Developer Meet and Greets

Virgin Media, Destiny 2: Forsaken StandFriday, September 21, 5:15 PM BSTSaturday, September 22, 11 AM BST

Discussion Panel—Building the Dreaming City

Friday, September 21, 4 PM BST (8 AM PDT)Livestream: https://www.twitch.tv/egx

That’s not all that we have going on this week. We’re still in the midst of celebrating many players throughout the community who’ve taken on one of the most challenging activities in the Destiny universe to date.

Toppling a Giant

On September 14, Petra invited Guardians from around the world to launch into the “Last Wish” raid. The race for World First was exciting as always, and Clan Redeem once again earned the title. This fireteam truly knows the definition of teamwork, as each member provided the skill and puzzle-solving knowledge to overcome the activity as a whole before anyone else in the world. We have a few words from their fireteam to share with you:

Clan Redeem: “Last Wish” was everything we as a clan could have wanted out of a World First race, and more: a grinding experience with massive ups and downs, incredible challenges, and a true test of mental fortitude. This was the first raid we’ve ever done in which we learned more than just mechanics. We learned about our own resilience, and that we would never give up, no matter how bleak the situation seemed. Getting to the boss room almost six hours after other teams was demoralizing, and it had us on the verge of collapsing as a team. We knew this was the moment we had to step up or let the race slip away from us. We pushed through the exhaustion and started playing to each member’s strengths. We want to thank all teams that attempted the raid on day one; without your fierce competition, it wouldn’t have been as intense. A big thank-you as well to anyone who came out and supported us during this nearly 19-hour marathon. It means more than you could ever imagine.

Many throughout the studio were glued to their screens for the entirety of the raid, eagerly waiting for the first players to crack puzzles and beat the final boss. Some of us even stuck around in the Bungie Theater for 18 hours to track progress.

Senior Designer Joe Blackburn was on site to verify the first completion alongside our analytics team. With the raid conquered, he’d like to say thank you on behalf of all who worked to bring this experience to Destiny 2:

Joe: Last Friday, we were excited to reveal the latest chapter in Destiny raids: “Last Wish” was released into the wild. After a monumental 18+ hour adventure, six Guardians slew Riven and changed the Dreaming City forever. To everyone who ventured into the heart of the Dreaming City, thank you. It was a privilege to get to watch players tackle the Taken scourge. Whether you finish as World First or simply World’s Most Recent, we can’t wait for you and your fireteam to topple the last known Ahamkara. It takes a small army of very passionate developers to create content like this, and getting to see it in your hands puts a huge smile on all of our faces. Until next time.

If you have yet to visit the Dreaming City since the Raid was beaten, these six Guardians have unlocked some new areas for you to explore. You can find a new strike, ”The Corrupted,” and the new Gambit map, “Cathedral of Scars,” available in their respective activity playlists.

Break On Through

Starting Tuesday, September 25, the new Crucible game mode Breakthrough will become available to all players of Destiny 2. There will also be new maps that were crafted to complement this game type. Here’s a quick overview of how Breakthrough works:

At the beginning of each round, players will fight to capture a central zone. Once the zone is captured, your team will deploy the Breaker. As players work to deploy the Breaker, the zone can be contested, resulting in an epic tug-of-war between the two teams. Once the Breaker is captured, it will be used to assault and hack the enemy team’s Vault.

If you hack the enemy team’s Vault, you win the round. If you fail to hack the enemy team’s Vault within the round time limit, you lose. If you are in the process of hacking the enemy team’s Vault when time runs out, you will enter Sudden Death until you either hack the Vault, or the enemy removes all your progress.

First team to win three rounds takes the match.

Breakthrough will first be available as the Weekly Featured Playlist for the week of September 25. Then, it will be added to the Competitive playlist starting October 2. Owners of Destiny 2: Forsaken may begin to play Breakthrough in Private Matches on September 25 as well.

As for maps, here are some sneak peeks at what every player looking to deploy some Breakers might expect next Tuesday:

Equinox

Firebase Echo

The Citadel

For those who have yet to play since Iron Banner went live, Convergence will also be available as a Breakthrough map.

Players on PlayStation 4 will also have access to the map Gambler's Ruin.

Weekend Programming

If you’re looking for something to do this weekend in

Destiny 2, we have two offerings that may appeal to your interests.

Gambit Free Trial

Start: 10 AM PDT on September 21

End: 10 AM PDT on September 23

If you’re looking for some pure PvP action without having to bank motes for the Drifter, Lord Shaxx is your man.

Double Valor Weekend

Start: 10 AM PDT on September 21

End: 10 AM PDT on September 25

Double Valor will be available in all Crucible Playlists, including Iron Banner! Get out there and make Shaxx proud.

Nuts and Bolts

Over the last few weeks, we’ve shipped a few updates and hotfixes to address various known issues in Destiny 2. Just today, we released Hotfix 2.0.3.1 to address a few issues impacting rewards and Gambit matchmaking. Destiny Player Support is with you each step of the way, from the first report of an issue to the deployment of a fix. Read on for the status of current investigations, and more!

Destiny 2 Hotfixes 2.0.3 and 2.0.3.1

This week, we deployed Destiny 2 Hotfixes 2.0.3 and 2.0.3.1 to players. These hotfixes resolved a number of newly discovered issues that directly affected the player experience and game economy.

Some of these fixes include:

Offering to the Oracle has been moved to the Pursuits inventory and is no longer erroneously removed when the player fast travels

Activity reconnection has been disabled in the Gambit playlist to allow for faster backfilling of lopsided teams

The Ace of Spades quest no longer requires defeating enemy invaders in Gambit but can now instead be completed by defeating either combatants or enemy invaders with Hand Cannons in Gambit matches

Fixed an issue where the mission “Homecoming” weapons—Traveler’s Chosen, Origin Story, and Last Dance—could not be dismantled or transferred to the vault

To see the full patch notes for these releases, players should follow the links below:

Destiny 2 Hotfix 2.0.3

Destiny 2 Hotfix 2.0.3.1

Iron Banner Rewards

With the launch of the first Iron Banner of Season 4, we have become aware of an issue where Iron Banner rank-up packages incorrectly display “Powerful Gear” as rewards.

It is intended that Iron Banner rank-up engrams award players with gear at the same level as other generic faction rank-up rewards. Only Lord Saladin’s “Unrelenting” and “To Be Precise” bounties are actually intended to offer powerful gear. We are investigating a fix for this issue for a future update.

Tincture of Queensfoil

As players have begun to explore the depths of the Dreaming City, confusion has emerged about the expected behavior of the Ascendant buff granted by the Tincture of Queensfoil consumable. Provided below is a brief overview of this buff’s behavior:

The Ascendant buff provided by the Tincture of Queensfoil is removed after players return to orbit or launch a new activity

If players return to orbit or launch into another activity, they must consume another Tincture of Queensfoil to reactivate the Ascendant buff

To make sure Tincture of Queensfoil consumables are not wasted unintentionally, it is recommended that players check that they have successfully landed in their desired activity before using this consumable

Players who believe they are encountering issues with behaviors not listed above should report them to the #Help forums.

Edge Transit

Since the launch of Destiny 2: Forsaken, we have heard player feedback regarding the aggressive drop rates of the Edge Transit Grenade Launcher. Our investigation has confirmed that this weapon is dropping more frequently than intended, and we are pursuing a fix for a future update. For more information when it is available, please stay tuned to our Updates page.

Destiny 2: Forsaken Known Issues

In addition to the items listed above, Destiny Player Support is tracking the latest issues reported by players on the #Help forum. Provided below is a brief overview of the latest known issues in Destiny 2: Forsaken.

Under-levelled Powerful Gear Drops: We have identified an issue causing powerful gear to sometimes drop below expected power levels, and are working to resolve this issue in a future update.

Menu Load Times: We are investigating an issue where some players are experiencing longer-than-usual load times in menus and UI on consoles

Cataloguer Emblem at the Postmaster: We are investigating an issue where the Cataloguer emblem always returns to the Postmaster if stored

Weapon Perks in a Rift or Well of Radiance: We are investigating an issue where some weapon perks may not activate while players are standing in a Healing Rift or a Well of Radiance

Nova Warp: We are investigating an issue where the Nova Warp Super may not fully activate when used

For the latest known issues as soon as they are available, players should visit our Forsaken Vital Information and Known Issues list.

[fuckyeahimbrown]

Dying Inside (The war of grief)

by  Deborah Schurman-Kauflin Ph.D.

I am sorry you have found your way to this article because more than likely, you are reading it because you are suffering. In an instant, your life changed forever. You heard the news that no one ever wants to hear, words so horrible that you can’t even process them. Maybe your child was killed. Perhaps your loved one was diagnosed with a terminal disease, or it could have been you who got the bad news of illness. Your heart may have been broken when the love of your life betrayed you. And let’s not forget the silent grief of a child who has been abused and withers inside. There are many horrors in this world, and you may be one of the wounded warriors who limp through life after your life was destroyed.

I have worked with families of murder victims and police for many years. I also spend time advocating for those who have incurable, painful illnesses. In all my years, I have seen so much suffering and witnessed the secret tears of those who life has left behind. This article is for those of you who know the pains of great misery and the reality of how the world treats you when you are down.

Anyone who has been through a real trauma knows how it impacts your life. Devastation surrounds you, and at the time you need help most, many times, you don’t get it. In fact for a large group, help never comes.

Instead of softened empathy, you’ll hear all kinds of platitudes of how life’s sucker punch will make you stronger. Others will say it is part of some big mysterious universal plan that you are not allowed to know about, and that you simply must accept it (get over it). Then some will say the trauma was a good thing to bring about change in your life. For those of you out there that have heard these words, you know exactly how it made you feel. This notion that having your heart ripped out can make you stronger is nonsense. Destruction weakens you. It is the nature of the beast. Pain and suffering do not fortify you. They act like an anchor dragging you further and further into a dark pit. At best, some days all you can do is survive.

The raw nature of true trauma goes much deeper than societies will allow. What I mean by that is those suffering indeed suffer alone. In our world, people are not interested in hearing about the horror stories of others’ lives unless the stories are packaged into neat one hour television shows. To say that modern society is shallow is terrible understatement. People have become quite psychopathic in their lack of empathy.

Truth is very ugly. Anyone who has lived through or is living through hell knows what a horrific event can do to you. It ruins who you once were, and you know you will never be the same again. When your life has suffered a fatal blow, there is no coming back from that. You can’t be who you used to be. That simply is not possible, and for people who surround you, such a notion is unacceptable. People want you to be the sister, the wife, the brother, the husband or whoever they once knew. But how can you be who you were before that horrible event? After and during trauma, you are damaged. You change inside which is difficult for others. This can result in abandonment by people you thought were your friends. So many times, a husband will leave a sick wife or vice versa. ‘Friends’ slowly migrate away. Thus the hurt individual gets a double whammy.

There are many theories about grief, and people are not shy about telling you how they think you should be coping. However, there is no guide book for how you must respond to tragedy. Having worked with parents of murdered children and advocating for those suffering from incurable illnesses, I have seen what the war of grief does to human beings. They become battered as if combat veterans. They take one ‘punch’ right after another while doing their best to stay standing in a world that just doesn’t care about them. People will say that they care, but when you look at their behavior, it tells a much different story.

Sufferers are told hope is frail but difficult to destroy. They are lectured about how they must ‘get over’ the tragedy because it weighs them down. This advice is particularly cruel to those who lost a loved one or those enduring a horrible illness. There is no getting over having your life shattered into little pieces. Reality doesn’t work that way. Sure it reads well in books and sounds good in classes, but real life is very different from the world of ideas. If you have endured such things, you won’t get over it. You can integrate it into who you are, but you won’t forget.

Society in general has become quite indifferent to suffering of others. We have been so desensitized by the world’s traumas that our fellow man has become an object to be ignored. Anyone who has had the misfortune of being diagnosed with a bad illness knows how the medical system treats those who are suffering. Beyond the misdiagnoses and incorrect labels, patients suffer almost every indignity. When doctors cannot figure out what ailment patients have, patients automatically get labeled as head cases. Imagine what that does to someone suffering from a painful incurable disease that has been undiagnosed. Or take the example of the mother whose daughter had been murdered and her case botched by officers who were overly anxious to go off the clock. As she cried for justice she was told that this is the way things are, and she needed to pick up a hobby to distract her. One therapist told her to pick up a musical instrument, and she could strum her pain away!

So many parents of murdered children or those who are sick have had ‘friends’ slowly slide away as if no one will notice their absence. The fact is such people don’t want to see what could happen to them. The suffering is an ugly reminder to everyone what can happen in life, and for the shallow, walking away is easy. Then they don’t have to see the ugliness and can walk through life with their blinders on. And it isn’t just friends who jump off the sinking ship. Family members scatter as well. These fair weather relatives slink away when the going gets tough, but should there be any improvement, they come trotting back as if nothing ever happened. Yet the person who was going through the trauma knows exactly what transpired and what their fickle friends and family really are. There is no forgetting that.

Life destroying trauma is not something that the sufferer can get over. It bores into their souls and creates a new worldview where people become the enemy because frankly, they are. Few truly understand them which leads to isolation and an increasing inability to relate. If people are kicked when they are down, the injury sticks.

I know this sounds so ominous. Real life is messy and complicated and many times cruel. How many times have you gone through something so unbelievably horrifying that you can’t understand how it could have happened? You become lost in grief, almost as if in a parallel universe where everything seems backwards. Nothing is right, and without fail, when you are at your lowest point, bad things keep happening.

However, you are not alone.

There are others like you out there. There are walking wounded all around you who have learned to keep silent about their suffering. The pain you feel can be lessened. I’m going to be honest with you and say that your pain will never fully go away. Your loss will always be there, but this doesn’t mean that you cannot have a life after a trauma. It won’t be the life you planned, and I know how painful that can be. Just getting out of bed can be the best you can do in a day. If you think that is not big deal, then look at it another way. If you got out of bed, consider a victory. You did something, and that can be a first step. However, it will not be easy to find a new way of living. There are many obstacles in your way. Yet just trying can help build your self esteem.

I met a woman who was the victim of two attempted sexual homicides. Yes, you read that correctly. She was the victim twice in her life. The first time she was in her late teens, an attacker broke into her home. He raped and beat her, leaving her for dead. She was crippled physically and emotionally from the attack. Almost twenty years later, she was attacked again. Raped and strangled and left for dead, she somehow managed to survive. She does volunteer work for victims when she can and has managed to find some happiness in her life by helping others. However, she was very clear to me that the pain of the attacks is with her every day. It is not something she forgets, and she is very angry with her family and the mental health profession.

Her family left her one by one as time went on. They uttered such phrases as ‘you are too bitter for me’ or ‘you need to move on’ when she was suffering from the long term physical effects from the attempted murders. Professionals were no better. Doctors told her she shouldn’t still be having such horrible headaches years later and that she should just get used to the pain that went along with her traumatic brain injury. They told her not even to ask for any pain medication because they weren’t going to give it to her. She went to a balance disorder specialist who was rated as being compassionate. He gave her one heart medication for her dizziness which didn’t work. When she went back, the doctor said he didn’t want to try anything else, and she should just learn to live with her condition. Doctors failed her and treated her like dirt.

Counselor after counselor dropped her when she wasn’t progressing the way they wanted. She didn’t fit neatly into a box, so they didn’t know what to do with her. The first therapist wanted her to take a nerf bat and hit the wall when she got angry. When this didn’t help her, the therapist suggested blowing bubbles to reconnect with her childhood. Needless to say, this didn’t do the trick. So off she went to counselor number two. Number two wanted the victim to explore how she played a part in causing the attacks. What did she do in her life that drew these killers to her? When she reacted badly to this, the therapist dismissed her saying that she couldn’t heal until she owned up to her role in the attacks!

Number three simply refused to take her on as a client because she was seen a trouble maker who had already been to two professionals. Number four wanted her to journal her feelings. She said that just upset her more, and the psychiatrist gave her heavy doses of antidepressants. This improved her mood slightly but did nothing to help her work through her grief. When that doctor had nothing more to offer, the victim kept moving to find someone to help. It took seven professionals before she found one who was sympathetic, didn’t suggest that she was at fault, and took the time to simply listen. The victim said the best thing anyone did for her was to listen. The bad advice just made her angry and did nothing to heal her.

What those who are on the outside looking in don’t understand is that trauma becomes a part of who you are and colors how you view life. There is no magic pill to make it go away. There is no one with an enchanted wand to set this right. It is on the shoulders of those suffering to make a decision to live. I know how this sounds, but it is true. You must decide that you want a life. It won’t be the life you imagined, but you can find something better than the misery you live in. Those who have been through a deep trauma understand that the happiness will always be tempered by a hint of sadness. Yet there can be something better for you. When you are in the depths of despair, it seems impossible. But if you try to find something that gives you joy, you can find yourself actually laughing and smiling. I know your heart has been battered, and you will always be guarded. This is part of who you are now.

I can’t say what will do the trick for you. Only you can find what can make you happy. All I know is that the best thing you can do is try to find something that you love to do. Try to find someone who is sympathetic who can help point out resources which can be more tailored to you. Someone who is suffering from your illness or someone who has lost a loved one may know a good therapist or group that can help you. Just the thought of reaching out can be traumatizing, yet taking control of your life by stepping out can be helpful.

Don’t give up. You can find your spirit again. Keep looking for something you can love. Only you can do that, and the good news is that you don’t need someone else to take that first step. You have the power to do that. Give yourself the gift of easing your pain by doing something just for you. And keep trying. Reward yourself for taking the baby steps because you deserve every reward.

[beatrice-otter]

Past Lives, Chapter 9/?

On AO3 Chapter 1 on Dreamwidth

Chapter Nine

The armor … took some doing.

"I'm sorry, we don't have the equipment to fabricate or modify armor here, Sergeant," said the armorer, a Specialist named Tripwire. "And even if we did, I wouldn't know how to use it. Clone armor comes standard, and it fits like a glove because our bodies are all the same." The armory was a tent with one of its sides rolled up, situated next to the mess tent at the center of camp, just where it would have been in a First Order camp. Easy to get to, no matter where you were, if there was an unexpected need to rearm or change weapons load.

"But what about your Jedi?" Finn asked. "They don't have full armor, but they've at least got something. Or Kenobi and Skywalker do, at any rate."

"The Jedi get their armor from the Temple, not from me," Tripwire said. "Not that they wear much of it."

"And what happens if you gain weight? Or lose it, on a long campaign with fewer supplies?" Finn asked. "What happens if you get switched to a different job and your muscle configuration changes because your activity profile does?" Basic Stormtrooper conditioning was always the same, of course, but many specialties had additional special training or duties, and that always affected things.

Tripwire and Kano exchanged glances. "We're all fed the same thing, so any changes tend to be battalion-wide," Tripwire said.

"But if you can't modify the armor, all that means is that everyone's armor fits wrong," Finn pointed out.

"And while you can get food on the black market special, or sometimes when we're on a planet with markets and people are willing to trade with us, they strongly discourage anyone from eating enough to alter your functioning to any degree."

"Fair enough," Finn said; one of the happinesses he hadn't anticipated about leaving the First Order was getting to choose what he ate and when he ate it. "But you can't tell me that ARC troopers and regular troopers have the same musculature, much less pilots and ARC troopers."

"So?" Kano said.

"You're telling me that you still wear the same armor?" Finn demanded. "Doesn't it chafe?"

"Yeah, but armor isn't supposed to be comfortable," Tripwire said. "And that's part of the point of mass-produced soldiers. You can mass-produce the gear, too, and do you think the bean-counters on Coruscant care if it chafes a bit?"

Finn shook his head. "But it impedes efficiency. Oh, well, it’s not like I’m going to be trying to fight in it anyway.”

“If you have to, we’re all screwed,” Kano said.

“The bodysuit is going to be the real problem,” Tripwire said. “It doesn’t have a lot of give in it … and you’re a full two centimeters taller than a brother. It’d be easier if you were two centimeters shorter, instead.”

“The bodysuit is crawling up my ass,” Finn said, shifting uncomfortably. And it was chafing his dick. Two centimeters didn’t sound like much, but it was the difference between fitting perfectly and … not.

“Could we just cut it in half so it’s pants and a shirt?” Jesse asked. “It’d kill the temperature controls and some of the blaster protection, but it’s pretty temperate here and if he’s not going to be fighting …”

"If we need temperature controls, or are going to be in combat, I can change bodysuits," Finn said.

“Here’s the armor,” Tripwire said, handing over a standard armor crate, just like the ones Finn had used all his life before defecting. He felt a lump in his throat, and he couldn’t tell whether it was positive or negative.

“And here’s the paint and brushes,” Tripwire continued, bringing out a container and a package.

“What?” Finn asked.

“Say, what’s your design, anyway?” Jesse asked.

“My what?”

“Your design,” Tripwire said. “Your paint? Armor-tat? Second face?”

“You know, the stuff you paint on your armor to show who’s in it?” Jesse said.

“Any sign of individuality got punished,” Finn said. “If they knew you had any designator other than a serial number, they would punish you for using it. We were only allowed to take off the buckets to eat, sleep, bathe, and for medical purposes.”

Jesse looked more horrified than he had when Finn had told them about the fall of the Republic. Tripwire sat down slowly on the armor crate behind him. It was, Finn realized, the heart of the difference between the Old Republic's clones and the First Order's troopers. Both were mass-produced and conditioned for battle, both were disposable in the service of their nations, both were designed to be interchangeable.

But for the Clone Troopers, that uniformity had limits. As long as they could fight interchangeably, their thoughts could be as individual as they wanted … and so could their armor. That was … he needed to think about that.

“Well,” Tripwire said, with a determined voice, “here you can put whatever you want on your armor.”

“I wouldn’t even know where to begin,” Finn said. “Can’t you just … do something apropriate? Ordinary? The whole point is to blend in, so, you guys know more about what type of paint would blend in than I do.”

“Of course not!” Jesse said, voice rising in horror. “It’s your armor. Your paint! Your second face! Kriff, Finn, you just—you just don’t mess with another man’s paint!”

“So, I’ll think about it, figure something out,” Finn said. “Once I get a design, can one of you paint it? I don’t know how to paint.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know how?” Tripwire said. “It’s just regular paint. I know curved surfaces and plastoid take a little bit of getting used to, but it’s not that bad.”

“I’ve never painted anything before.”

“Well, it’s not that different than drawing, then. Just draw the outlines and fill them in.”

“I’ve never drawn anything before, either.”

There was a silence, for a bit, as the two clones digested that, faces drawn. Finn stood there awkwardly, not sure why they were so profoundly shocked by this. He got why never being allowed to take your armor off was horrifying; even he had known it was bad, back when he’d never had any experiences outside of the First Order. And the Resistance members, the few he’d talked about it with, they’d all agreed with him. But none of them had ever even mentioned anything about art. None of them really made art, that he knew of. But to Tripwire and Jesse, no artistic experience was unthinkable.

“Tempera used to be part of the training cadre, he’d know how to teach art,” Jesse said at last.

“All I’ve got is paint and markers for the armor,” Tripwire replied, “but I think the quartermaster has more. I KNOW he’s got tablets and styluses that are fitted with a basic drawing program.”

“Okay,” Finn said slowly. Looks like he was getting art lessons. It wasn’t very practical, but on the other hand, what else was he going to do while they waited? It’s not like they could send him out on missions, the clones had the regular garrison duties taken care of, and there were only so many hours per day that he could debrief.

The first thing they had done, once reaching Coruscant, was to give Bail every file they had about the contract that had produced the clone army.

"That is all that you know?" Bail asked incredulously, looking over the reports. "I've always known there was more to the story than the bare-bones account that the Senate was told, but I assumed you knew it and just didn't want to share for some reason. Classified for the war effort, possibly. But you never investigated it at all, did you, once you'd discovered it. A mysterious army was dropped in your lap just as war breaks out, and you never asked any questions."

"The Force moves in mysterious ways," Master Windu said stiffly, "and we had rather more immediate problems at the time. You yourself voted for the bill that gave the Jedi authority over the clone army, and turned us into officers. Since then, we have had very little to spare for investigative work."

"Yes, but I assumed I could trust your competence," Bail said, matching his tone. "From this, that doesn't seem to have been the case."

"Oversight is the Senate's responsibility," Master Windu replied. "Even if it had been classified, you had a right to ask—either in person or on the Senate floor—to see that the investigation had been done, even if you were not cleared to see the results. And what do you think would have happened, if we had refused to take command of the troops until the investigation was complete? Or if we had admitted publicly that one of our members had gone rogue and ordered this without our knowledge or wish? Or diverted significant attention from the war to continuing the investigation? You're the Senator, you tell me."

Bail sat back, stroking his beard. He hated to admit it, but Windu had a point. After Geonosis, the whole Republic had been caught up in war fever, so focused on the need to punish the Separatists that any delay or foot-dragging was seen as treason. And that was just public opinion; if Finn was correct, and Palpatine was a traitor bent on destroying the Jedi, he would certainly have been able to use any reluctance to his advantage. "So you chose expediency and political considerations over doing your job fully."

"Yes," Windu said. "And how many times, Senator, have you and your colleagues done the same?"

Bail nodded unwillingly.

"In any case, what's done is done," Windu said. "Recriminations at this stage will get us nowhere. We need proof of Palpatine's treason—or loyalty—and we need to make contingency plans."

"What did you have in mind?" Bail asked.

Ahsoka stepped off her ship and locked it, clasping her cloak firmly against the wind. The problem with going incognito on her own was that anyone who knew anything about Togruta could see that she wasn't fully mature yet. As a Jedi, she had become a legal adult when she was apprenticed. Young, and still needing supervision as far as the Jedi were concerned, but an adult as far as anybody else was concerned.

Undercover, without Jedi status, nobody who knew what an adult Togruta looked like would believe she was one. Her montrals were too small and stubby.

She hoped that as long as she kept her cloak up, nobody would notice. Or maybe mistake her for an adult of another species.

Ship locked and docking fees paid, she got herself a room for the night and began looking up medical supply companies. There should be a fair number—this planet was known in the region for its medical supply companies—and hopefully she'd find one she could order from over the holonet and have it delivered to her ship, with no need to talk to a sentient being who might remark on her age.

She couldn't wait for her montrals to get their full growth. Missions like this would be so much easier.

"The first step," Tempera said, "is just to get you used to creating." They were sitting side-by-side at a table, thankfully with no one else in the tent with them.

Finn was getting really tired of being stared at. He'd been stared at when he first joined the Resistance; it wasn't like they got defectors from the First Empire every day. But they'd all been busy, and nothing he could tell them about the First Order and how it treated Stormptroopers was a surprise to them, not really, and if First Order defectors were rare it wasn't as if they'd never happened.

Time travel made him absolutely unique, and most of what he'd told people about his life experiences was a horrifying shock, and they didn't have much to do until Commander Tano returned with the specialized equipment and droids needed for neurosurgery. They had a lot of time to stare at him. Tempera hadn't, so far; Jesse had talked to him about art lessons out of Finn's presence, and Tempera had been nothing but matter-of-fact since he'd shown up. It was a nice change.

Finn sighed and turned his attention to the functions of the tablet Tempera was showing him, how he could produce lines of different thicknesses and colors, how he could erase what he didn't like, and so on.

"Good," Tempera said, after quizzing Finn to make sure he remembered what he'd been shown. "Now draw whatever you want to draw. Scribbles and doodles and random stuff is fine, don't worry about whether it's good or not. You don't have to show it to me if you don't want to." He turned to his own tablet and began … doing something on it.

Finn pondered the instructions for a bit. "Tempera?" he said. He had an awful feeling this was going to start another round of horrified stares.

"Yes, Finn?" Tempera said, looking up from his tablet.

"What's 'scribbles and doodles'?"

[tashmitchviscom]

AskReddit - Cruise Ship employee stories

“If I can fart in the passenger cabins, I do”

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“I worked a single 5-month contract as a musician about 10 years ago. I’m sure every company is different but here’s a few things that might be of interest:

There were a handful of crew-only stairwells that were designated smoking spots. They were peppered across the ship and almost constantly occupied by a handful of staff. The butt disposal method was a nasty ass bucket of water that some poor soul from housekeeping probably had to empty periodically.

Speaking of cigarettes, they were ridiculously cheap for us: duty free, and without the markup the passengers would buy them at. It was $2 a pack when I was working, regardless of brand. Alcohol was similarly inexpensive.

Different employees get vastly different treatment and privileges; that’s not that crazy sounding, but because everyone also lives on the ship, it gets a little weird. You have officers, staff, and crew. Crew are the lowest level employees; they sleep four to a room, and can only eat in the crew mess (which had the lowest quality food, but also really good Indian and Filipino food sometimes). Waiters, cooks, housekeepers, stage hands, and the people actually making the ship operate are all crew. Staff would sleep two to a room, and got their own nicer mess hall (although we could also eat in the crew mess). Musicians, dancers, photographers, spa workers, and some managers were staff. Officers got their own restaurant-style mess that others could only eat at by invitation, and all got their own studio apartment-style cabins. Management were all officers, as well as the literal ship’s officers, like the captain.”

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“Very common occurrence actually (especially considering the average age of people who go on cruses) there is a morgue on board every ship and they can actually get quite full during long voyages”

In reply to above ^ “Can confirm, we’ve had 10-15 people die on our ship. Due to the large amount of elderly folks that travel on cruise ships it's fairly common to have people die on board (natural causes, heart attacks, etc). As a result, just about every cruise ship has some sort of morgue that acts as a temporary hold for the deceased.”

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“I did this (being a cruise ship employee) for almost 5 years ending about 4 years ago. Here are the cliff notes.

Yes alot of people are hooking up. People that are married with kids at home are gay or have a wife/husband they married in another country on board. One of my contracts there was a outbreak of chlmydia. My now wife and I knew we were faithful because of neither of us caught it. Also it's common for a person to sign off and the SO be sleeping with someone else that night (or trying to at least)

yes people die. Yes some are due to old age but trageties do happen as well such as people going overboard. During my time on ships the non "old age type" deaths were two suicides and one twenty something year old who went overboard that we never found. Back to the old age deaths. We would bet on the really long cruises (due to average client age) how many emergency doctor calls over the PA system there would be.

yes there are cruise ship accidents. Another cruise liner hit our ship while docking in Puerto Vallarta Mexico. Same ship the following weekend with a new captain slammed into the pier shattering the pier. Side note this same ship was one stranded at sea a few years ago due to engine fires.

there are morgues and there are jails. The joke is that when the morgue fills up they start giving ice cream out to the crew. Unfortunately I've seen the jails used for people other than fighting or unruly drunks.

rescued refugees in the carribbean and the Mediterranean several times. It puts the world into perspective at times. 

contracts depend on your position but can vary from 10 weeks to 9 months.

it's a melting pot of cultures living in a tiny bubble.

you see cool places, you don't sleep slot but you sure drink a lot. Yes the crew parties can be wild.”

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“As a Former Cruise ship employee of A ships entertainment division, these are my tidbits

-A lot of employees have “ship wives/husbands” even those with marriages on land. My manager had a ship wife who he shared a cabin with while he saw his wife and 4 kids every two weeks.

-Cruise ships are actually crazy clean. There’s different levels of cleanliness based on the amount of total sick guests on board. I’ve been pulled off shifts before to help sanitise the theatre under extreme conditions.

Sleeping or even going into guest cabins (that you’re not registered with) is a fireable offense. Security literally watches your every move if you’re allowed in guest areas

Ships, at least mine, do what ever they want in international waters. Example: They incinerate literally anything including batteries, theatrical moving lights, a literal pallet of brochures due to ONE typo. Waste, human or otherwise is sent into the ocean so long as it’s “organic”, sometimes treated.

As technical sailors, we all have emergency roles. We were learning the protocols behind suspicions package discovery one morning and all was well... until I learned what crew did in this case. We literally search for this package that more than likely would be a bomb. In my work area, this involves walking each row of a 1500 seat theatre and hoping not to step on this object and blow up.

In Emergencey situations, most guests get life boats, crew gets life rafts. Life rafts hold ~16, boats ~120 with mandatory sea sickness pills administered upon boarding. They don’t always work in high seas and the thing is, you’re literally sitting in other passengers butts and crotches the way you’re crammed s in there. If I’m ever a passenger, I’d opt for the raft.Large scale sympathetic puking is not my thing.”

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“The crew have their own bar. They are technically never allowed to have a BAC over 0.02, even off duty, so getting drunk can get you fired and kicked off the ship in whatever port you're in.

Guest areas and crew areas can be differentiated in that passenger areas have carpeting.

Every crew member has a safety role in case of emergency.

Shit is ridiculously clean, but there can still be a "Code Brown" where a virus breaks out.

Getting caught fucking a passenger (or even being in a passenger area without a good reason) will likely get you fired.

It's possible your crew member works triple shifts 6-7 days a week.”

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“ I've been working on ships for about 3 years. For the most part it's operationally not a whole lot different from a large hotel, except that it floats from country to country and the staff never leave for months at a time. A few notable things;

We drink the same drinks as you for a lot cheaper, and we drink a lot of them.

We are notified of who high profile guests as well as problem passengers each cruise so that we know who to keep and eye out for most.

If you ever hear ambiguous coded messages over the PA system, it means something has gone wrong and somebody below decks is scrambling to fix it. One interesting thing I've found is that British cruise lines don't use coded announcements, they will just announce a medical or fire emergency plainly. I'm on an American line now and people always seem perplexed when I tell them there are lines that do that.

There's usually a "black market" of crew selling or trading their department's services. Room stewards will clean your cabin once a week before inspection day, photographers will trade photo prints for a haircut in the spa, stuff like that.”

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“I worked on a cruise ship for a few months in the engine room and have sailed on other commercial ships as well. If you have any specific questions then please feel free to ask and I'll see what I can recall. 

 I worked in the engine room so I don't have any juicy passenger interactions of my own. If you think that you don't have much space in your room then you should see the crew's quarters. The crew is packed in like corn on a cob. Take that single person room you have, double the size, but now 6 people are sleeping and living in there. Sanitation is a big issue and as a result the crew's rooms are regularly inspected.

The crew has so much sex. There was a place in the main crew area with free (shitty) condoms but the STD rate is still through the roof. Well over 50%. It honestly amazes me how much sex everyone has when everyone is also sharing rooms. But most employees will be on the ship 8 months out of the year and all that pent up tension will get released one way or another.

I'd advise not eating the sushi.

You would be amazed at what people will flush down the toilet. Pool noodles, t-shirts, shoes...pretty much anything that people don't want to pack with them when they leave. Cruise ships primarily use vacuum flush systems. These are very efficient but very sensitive. A tampon or condom can take out the toilets for everyone above and below your room. Then somebody from the engine department has to start braking open black water pipes or ripping open pumps to find where your blood stained cotton has managed to stop a whole lot more fluid flow. Toilet paper only in the toilets.

When the ship pulls in to port they usually hook up a water hose to fill up on potable water from the municipal supply. Once the ship is underway (and away from the nasty port waters) they then take water from the sea and distill it to keep the capacity up until they reach the next port. It's probably a lot cleaner than the water you have at home.

The ship also needs to fuel up (bunkering) and sometimes passengers are on board while that is going on. No open flames are allowed outside while bunkering is ongoing and this becomes a problem with passengers who need a smoke. To get around this they smoke in their rooms which sets off the smoke detectors. There is also a regulation that bunkering must immediately stop if a fire alarm goes off until the hazard of a fire has passed. So somebody from the crew has to go to your room and make sure it isn't on fire. Then they call down to the engine room to report it's a false alarm. Then we can start the pumps again. On average, bunkering is usually interrupted 3 or 4 times due to this and it's annoying as hell.

EDIT: A few more things. At least the ship I was on would have crew parties and events that made things a lot of fun. It really sucks for the people who have to work the customer parties because you know all your crew friends are having a blast.

Excessive fraternization or sex with passengers is against the rules. Simply entering a passenger's room without a reason is a firing offense.

Speaking of firing, it was not in our contract for the company to pay for your return flight if you get fired in an area where you are a citizen. So let's say you were hired on the U.S. West Coast by some big cruise company and you get a ship on the East Coast (some people want to change it up a bit if they get tired of the same route). If you get fired on your ship them the return trip is on you. I can't really give too much info without saying exactly which ship/company I was with but those return flights could cost $600 to $900. The local McDonald's had some ex-cruise ship workers saving up money to get home.

One more edit: Cruise ships are trying to become more environmentally friendly. There are whale zones where they go slower to give whales more time to get out of the way. We install scrubbers in the exhaust stack to help remove excess sulfur and carbon. Companies are now also working on reducing NOx emissions through advanced engine timing technology and stack gas treatment. Instead of using harmful chemicals to clean sewage waste we are now using UV and biological systems to break it down. Lube oils around the shaft are being replaced with biodegradable versions. Pretty soon ballast water will even begin to get treated. These are all new and upcoming improvements to try to reduce the environmental impact these ships have. But they are also 1,000 foot long floating cities which must provide food prep and storage, heating, A/C, lighting, water and sewage, recreational areas, and power for thousands of people while also moving them around on a floating piece of steel. There will be an environmental impact no matter what.

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“I used to do wet and dry dock maintenance. Used to find quite a lot of drugs left behind. Passengers thought they found a clever hiding space in the cabin but we would take every inspection hatch off every cabin’s bathroom. There used to be a customs guy in Miami we called Dirty Harry, we just handed it to him. Cool guy. No: we did not use it ourselves.”

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“Former steward here. Finish your fucking food quick so I can go on break. If you're lounging at your table while were clearing other tables, we all hate you.

Also, housekeeping is all about time. When you have 2 hour to clean 5-6 rooms, short cuts happen.”

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“One thing is for sure, passengers ask the dumbest questions. We hated walking in guest areas because we would get asked dumb questions. Passengers were SHOCKED that we lived on board, once I was so annoyed one day I responded that I was a mermaid and actually jumped back in the ocean after my shift. The strange part is the person that asked apparently believed me. Another common question is "excuse me, do these stairs go up?" -- umm duh. They also go down. I think people turn their thinking caps off when on vacation. Which I guess is normal? My all time favorite question is, as soon as they step foot on the cruise: WHERE DA FOOD AT?? Ha! Never got old! Oh the memories.”

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“I worked on cruise ships as an engineer for 3 years and it was some of the best fun I've had in my life

I worked 10 hours per day every day for 4 months but the social life was enough to keep you going. My first trip was largely uneventful however as I spent my time focussed on work as I wanted to make a good impression but in my last month of that contract I met a cool Italian guy who was an absolute player and he took me under his wing.

I was/am an officer and this brought the benefits of a large cabin with double bed and windows (windows are rare for crew as they mostly have internal cabins) I realise I could use this to my advantage and went from the shy 20 year old to an absolute whore. I'm not bad looking either so that helped me a bit.

The travelling was fantastic and I travelled the world. My favourite part being the very north of Norway where in the summer the sun didn't set and there was sunlight all day long.

Alcohol (including spirits with my company) was very cheap and you would often find your self buying drinks for an entire room of people for very little cost.

I could, as an officer, order room service and there were even some crew cooking in there cabins and selling it to other hungry crew members.

All in all it's a hard lifestyle to maintain and sleep is limited if you're social and want to go ashore at the same time but in my opinion, totally worth it.”

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“I worked on a major cruise line out of a port in Florida.

Crew bar has cheap drinks, but you're technically never supposed to be drunk. You can find most crew there usually always smoking cigarettes, drinking beers and getting a little too drunk. (Not much else to do when the ship is at sea). Most crew members have families back home and a lot have girlfriends on board as well. That is just apart of ship life.

Crew members are super hard working and work weeks are 70 hours a week without a single day off for 6-8 months at a time. Most crew members rely on tips for their wages. My position was salaried for $58/a day, I was an officer on board working in the guest services office. Came out to roughly $1400 a month after taxes. No one else is taxed besides Americans on board.

The best way to describe no days off is, waking up to your alarm and every single day feels like a Monday morning (for those that actually have normal work weeks).

My position shared a bedroom with bunk beds and really small bathrooms. You could shit, shave your legs, and brush your teeth all at the same time. Depending upon your position on board determined if you had guest area privileges. I was allowed in guest areas, but after spending all day with the guests that's the last thing I wanted to do. You're always on duty and your supervisors have 24 hour access to you at all times by just ringing your phone and waking you up in your cabin. Sleep was very limited, so every off hour was spent trying to catch up.

Wifi was $5 a day for 24 hour access to limited social media apps or $10 for 100 minutes unrestricted. I spent way too much money on the shitty wifi.

Overall the people you live and work with is what makes your experience on board. Some days are worse than others but you somehow manage to get through it.”

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[riichardwilson]

Minority-Owned Small Businesses Need Stimulus Loans the Most. They May Finally Get Some.

For four months in 2018, Danielle Edwards drove past the brownstone on the corner of 6th Avenue and St. Marks in Brooklyn. There was a “For Rent” sign in the window of the second-floor storefront, which caught her eye because the whole facade is enclosed by vintage curved glass. 

“I call it the fishbowl,” she says. “I fell in love with it when I first saw it. But I thought, I’m not going to be able to afford that.” Edwards was looking for a new location for her boutique gym, The New Body Project, which claims the distinction of being the only all-women’s boot camp in Brooklyn. 

Edwards, 35, started The New Body Project in 2017, after the local women’s gym she worked for shuttered suddenly. For the members — many of them women of color — the gym had been a kind of neighborhood home, and its closure was devastating. 

“Literally, a lot of the women had breakdowns,” Edwards recalls. “I just felt like a ton of bricks was falling on me, so I said, I’ve gotta do something.” She decided to start her own gym and went to a number of banks to try to get a loan. It did not go well. 

“Even though my credit is good,” she says, “if you haven’t been open for a year, no one wants to look at you — let alone looking at you [if] you’re black and a woman.” So she launched a Kickstarter campaign, and her community rallied to raise $3,000. Still, the location they landed in wasn’t ideal. (“We were doing burpees and there was mold dripping from the ceiling.”) So one day after driving past the fishbowl, she finally called. Just to see. “His original asking price was astronomical, but my community came together,” she says. “We wrote a letter to the landlord and expressed to him how we’re going to build this community, and he dropped the price significantly.” 

Even so, it was a stretch. To lock down the space, Edwards had to sell her house that she’d bought in her 20s, when she worked at a bank on Wall Street before getting laid off in the market crash. “I went to the SBA. I was denied. I went to TD bank. I was denied. I went to Capital One. I was denied,” she says. “So I was like, you know what? I have this place in Jersey. I hardly ever go back. I’ll sell that and use the money to secure a new location.”

She did, and for a year, it was wonderful. The New Body Project grew from 12 to 62 dedicated members, and Edwards hired four trainers. Her clients were not the Lululemon-y ladies at boutique studios up the block. They were all shapes and shades, from all different backgrounds, at all different stages in their fitness journeys. From early morning to evening, they could be found barefoot on the big squishy mat in the sunny fishbowl, swinging kettlebells and doing tire squats.

Then COVID-19 hit New York City. “Monday, we were open and doing business as usual, Tuesday I was closing my doors, and Wednesday I was remote teaching a third grader and a sixth grader,” Edwards says. “I was like, wait, what just happened? For nearly a week and a half I just went into the bathroom and cried. I couldn’t process that everything I sacrificed, everything I worked so hard for, could be gone.”

Danielle Edwards instructing at The New Body Project. Image Credit: Sideline.com 

A legacy of prejudice, compounded

Minority-owned small businesses stand to be hit the hardest by the pandemic’s economic fallout. In the best of times, entrepreneurs of color face a multitude of unique obstacles, many of which are embodied in Edwards’ experience. Taking straightforward racism out of the equation — of which there is plenty — it’s always difficult to get a loan without already having significant capital behind you. The facts are that the average white family in America has 10 times the wealth of the average black family, and eight times that of the average Hispanic family.  In 2019 the SBA found that 49 percent of loans from banks go to white-owned businesses, 23 percent go to Asian-owned businesses, 17 percent undetermined, 7 percent to Hispanic-owned business, 3 percent to black-owned businesses and 1 percent to American Indian-owned businesses. 

Because it’s hard to get loans — much less attention and strategic advice — from banks and investors, many minority owners also have more difficulty growing their businesses. In New York City, the virus’s long-standing epicenter, only 2 percent of all small businesses are black-owned, and only 3 percent claim employees (compared to 7 percent of Hispanic-owned businesses, 21 percent of Asian-owned businesses, and 22 percent of white-owned businesses). Many businesses started by entrepreneurs of color also operate in lower income areas, and on narrower margins. In immigrant communities, there are language impediments. 

Now those obstacles are compounding at an alarming rate. In the chaotic scramble to disperse the first $350 billion of relief loans from the Small Business Administration (SBA), banks prioritized clients who already have loans with them, as well as “small businesses” that are, in reality, anything but. (See this week’s Shake Shack fiasco.) The SBA had been essentially offering two types of loans: Economic Injury Disaster Loans (EIDL), of up to $2 million (with advances of up to $10,000, dispersed to businesses within three days of applying, but those advances have yet to materialize) and the Paycheck Protection Program (PPP), which offers small businesses loans of up to $10 million. 

Initial PPP funds ran out last Friday, and last night the Senate passed a new stimulus package that replenished the PPP with another $320 billion — including $60 billion for community banks, credit unions and even smaller lenders like Community Development Financial Institutions (CDFIs). This last specification is absolutely key to reaching minority small businesses, the vast majority of which have been left out in the cold so far.

CDFIs are some of the only lenders firmly rooted in communities of color, and their inclusion in the PPP is something that Gregg Bishop, New York City’s Commissioner of Small Business Services, has been pushing for. “The overwhelming needs of New York City’s small business community can only be met by the resources of the federal government,” he says. “We fought for more support in the next stimulus and won an additional $60 billion for our CDFIs and local banks. Our smallest businesses who rely on their community partners for support and service now have a greater chance at accessing the capital they need to remain open.”

Hopefully, that money will make it to those who need it most, fast. But in the past three weeks — as banks overlooked small businesses with no safety net — many minority small businesses have already plummeted too far into the red to make it out.  

Related: 3 Ways to Support Minority-Owned Businesses

The less you’re asking for, the less likely you are to get it

Back when the first round of SBA stimulus loans were announced in early April, many entrepreneurs were optimistic. James Heyward, a CPA in Durham, North Carolina, certainly was. Heyward is a black business owner, and the majority of his accounting firm’s clients are minority business owners. He spent two days studying the bill and applied for PPP through his bank, Wells Fargo. He didn’t need much to cover his payroll; he was only asking for $5,000. But as the days passed, he just received more emails from Wells Fargo telling him that, in his words, “I was still in the queue, but because of their lending cap, I might need to go apply somewhere else.”

For many entrepreneurs of color, their first obstacle in accessing stimulus funds is that they don’t have loans, a line of credit or an established relationship with a bank. But Heyward is an exception to the rule. He has a fairly extensive relationship with Wells Fargo. He has two business accounts, a line of credit, a business credit card, his personal account, his mortgage and a certificate of deposit. So when he wasn’t getting that little check for $5,000, he started thinking something was off. 

“Banks are for-profit businesses, right?” Heyward says. “They’re only making 1 percent interest on these loans. They don’t have the infrastructure for small loans, so their underwriting process for my $5,000 is the same for somebody requesting $500,000. So which one do you think they’ll spend the manpower on? If I was a bank, I would say yeah, okay, I could just give you this money. But it’s better for us to give larger amounts to sure bets than smaller amounts to a whole bunch of risky borrowers. Especially if your business isn’t really open right now. Not to be doom and gloom, but this may cripple you forever, and the bank will be left holding the bag, because I don’t get the sense that they necessarily believe that the government will get the SBA money to them in a timely fashion.”

Heyward isn’t alone in this conclusion. Benjamin Burke is a senior tax consultant at Snappy Tax, in Ocala, Florida. In an email he said, “I have been told off the record that banks are prioritizing the [PPP] loans first for people that have pre-existing loans with them. Then the bigger clients. Then everyone else. Additionally, some banks will not even touch PPP loans under $30,000. If a business owner did not have reserves, it won’t be long before they have to close for good. We are already seeing clients in this position.”

One of Burke’s clients is Brooke McGee, a Latina business owner based in Ocala. A 33-year-old single mom with six kids — one of whom is disabled and severely immunocompromised —  McGee worked for a trucking company for 13 years until she got laid off in 2019. So last October she founded her own company, First Watch Dispatch, a carrier, shipping and dispatch service and started out running the business from home. That quickly proved impractical since, as she puts it, “I don’t have a big house in a nice neighborhood, and having 20 semi trucks pull up to my driveway was not conducive.” 

She tried to secure a loan for an office space but couldn’t. “So,” she says, “in January I took my life savings and leased a building.” This February, after maxing out her credit card and having the lights turned off in her home, McGee was finally able to pay herself for the first time. Then, the pandemic started to spread, and McGee had no choice but to shut down. Even though her company plays an important role in the supply chain, McGee says a big part of her job is handling truckers’ paperwork, which “has been through literally thousands of hands, at stops from New York all the way to Florida.” The risk to her disabled daughter’s life is simply too great. “I’m trying to work from home,” she says, “but I can’t have the truckers come to my house. Plus I have six kids in six grades and only two computers.” 

As of our conversation, McGee had tried for weeks to get through on the government site to file for unemployment. Burke, her tax consultant, has helped her apply for the EIDL and PPP loans through her bank, the Florida Credit Union, but she hasn’t heard back about either. Because McGee’s truckers are all private contractors, her PPP request covers only her salary, and Burke worries the request won’t be worth her bank’s time. “My fear is that these smaller sized loans are being overlooked,” he says plainly. Now, McGee’s landlord is threatening to evict her. 

Brooke McGee and her six children. Image Credit: Brooke McGee

Beware predatory practices amidst of information chaos

While reporting this story, I talked to many minority small-business owners who assumed that they’d have an easier time getting approved because the amount they were asking for was so negligible. But as time went on and stimulus funds began dwindling, some owners inevitably turned to outside parties for help, leaving them and their businesses exposed to an entirely different threat.

The New Body Project has five employees including Edwards, and she requested $12,500 to cover payroll. As soon as the SBA loans were announced, she called TD bank, where she had her business checking and savings accounts, to ask about next steps. She waited on hold for over an hour to be told that “they don’t know because they have not been guided by the government yet.” 

As she waited for help from TD Bank, and panic-researched online, Edwards got an email from Groupon saying that she could apply for the PPP through their partnership with Fundera. Fundera is an online loan broker, similar to Kabbage or Lendio, which connects businesses to lenders for a “finder’s fee” from the bank. Edwards was dubious, but figured it was worth a shot and applied, and got a response that she’d made it to the next step with one of Fundera’s lending partners, Cross River Bank. Edwards had never heard of Cross River Bank, so she was hesitant, but decided to move forward with the application because she still hadn’t heard anything from TD Bank, and knew the loans were first-come, first-serve. Then the PPP money ran out.

While it’s not always a bad idea for business owners of color who are being underserved by their banks to look for funding through legitimate brokers like Fundera, attorney, stimulus analyst and Entrepreneur contributor Mat Sorensen points out that borrowers should be aware that the SBA-approved lenders these brokers will connect you with are still likely to put their established clients first.

Of greater concern is the lack of information and reliable advice available to desperate business owners, particularly immigrant entrepreneurs for whom English is their second language. The Renaissance Economic Development Corporation is a CDFI, and affiliate of Asian Americans for Equality. They’ve been lending to minority business owners in New York City since 1997, and their managing director, Jessie Lee, says she’s seen a surge in predatory practices. 

“A lot of our borrowers are getting secondary information from their ethnic media,” she says. “It’s so confusing that a lot of them have turned to brokers and accountants for guidance, and some of these brokers are predatory. I just found out that one of our clients went to a loan broker who said that they do the PPP program, when they don’t, and then took $2,000 from my business owner.”

Her advice for dealing with third parties? ”Always verify — are you an agent of an SBA lender? Do you have an SBA lenders agreement?”

Related: These City Programs Are Giving Minority- and Women-Owned …

The case for giving CDFIs capital

Renaissance is one of roughly 2,500 nonprofit Treasury-certified CDFIs across the country. CDFIs have long played a critical role in dispatching federal and state funds to the businesses in underserved communities that need them most. And in past crises like 9/11 and Hurricane Sandy, CDFIs dispersed substantial public relief funds (they gave out $12 million in emergency funds after 9/11, and $6 million after Sandy). But as the COVID-19 crisis has played out, Lee says that Renaissance has had to rely on private funds, like part of a recent $1 million commitment from Chase to minority-owned NYC businesses. It hasn’t been nearly enough. When we spoke a week ago, Lee told me that, “Over a thousand businesses have submitted interest forms, and we’re only going to be able to help maybe 200 of them.”

Bishop, the Commissioner of NYC’s Small Business Services, says giving CDFIs nationwide the capital they need to lend in their communities would be a game-changer for minority-owned small businesses. “CDFIs and small community banks are really the only lenders operating in communities of color,” he says, “They look beyond the credit score. They’re very flexible.” Until this point, however, most CDFIs haven’t been able to offer PPP loans. “We’ve been advocating for them to be allowed to participate, but it’s really about liquidity,” Bishop explains. 

It’s a catch-22: Because CDFI borrowers are often small businesses in communities of color, many operate with very narrow margins and are now struggling to pay their rent, much less their business loans. Consequently the CDFIs are too low on cash to offer PPP. 

Now, thankfully, the Senate’s latest stimulus bill  — which should move through the House quickly — has allocated $30 billion of the new $320 billion PPP funds specifically to community banks and credit unions, and another $30 billion to even smaller lenders like CDFIs (a total of $60 billion intended to reach minority and women-owned businesses). 

Lee is cautiously optimistic. “We believe this legislation is a step in the right direction because it gives smaller businesses a fighting chance at securing funding and enables CDFIs to help minority-owned business owners in our communities,” she says. “That being said, $30 billion will go quickly and will not come close to meeting the needs of millions of distressed businesses. In the weeks ahead, we will need more financial resources to stabilize our neighborhood mom-and-pop businesses.” 

One thing Lee is sure of is that, “The 8 week time period for PPP is unrealistic in New York. We believe businesses will need more funding over a longer period of time, given the city and state timelines for reopening the economy. And payroll assistance helps but businesses still must figure out how to pay their rent. This is a big issue they’re having to confront even after securing a PPP loan. Businesses need flexible capital to address their unique needs.”

Still, while the money is there, any minority small business that hasn’t yet put through an SBA application with another lender should reach out to their community bank, or find a CDFI near them (you shouldn’t apply for the SBA loans with more than one lender).

Heyward, the Durham-based CPA, thinks that moving forward, CDFIs and community banks should play a bigger role. But he thinks this should happen in tandem with the SBA creating more permanent classifications of small businesses, so that truly small businesses with no capital aren’t competing for loans with companies 20 times their size. 

“You can call them microbusinesses, or main street businesses, but people with gross revenues under 2 million or something like that,” he says. “Because when anyone in Washington gets on TV and says, ‘We’re doing something for the small businesses,’ I’m looking at the qualifications for a small business and thinking, ‘So what am I, a blip?’ And maybe that could be the domain of the community banks and CDFIs, because the commercial banks could care less about those loans anyway.”

“The systemic prejudice in this situation, in the beginning it’s not racial,” Heyward continues. “But we all know it’s not right. I don’t have to go beat the drum on that.” To the big banks, he says, “I’m just saying that you have to be honest. You have a lot of business owners who are truly expecting to get this money. Their margins were so small to begin with. For minority-owned businesses, this is crushing.”

Edwards is still waiting to see if her PPP application gets approved at Cross River Bank. But in the meantime, after working through the initial shock, she’s been characteristically resilient. In a matter of days, she designed an entire online fitness program for The New Body Project, complete with a weekly family karaoke session. “I won’t throw in the towel,” she says. “I believe this will make us better when we come out of it. It’s never easy to get help when you need it, so I’m blessed my business is something that can be continued online. It’s actually given me the opportunity to tweak my business model. I’m really proud of what I created.”

Related: How to Submit Your SBA PPP Loan Application and Calculate the …

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Minority-Owned Small Businesses Need Stimulus Loans the Most. They May Finally Get Some.

For four months in 2018, Danielle Edwards drove past the brownstone on the corner of 6th Avenue and St. Marks in Brooklyn. There was a “For Rent” sign in the window of the second-floor storefront, which caught her eye because the whole facade is enclosed by vintage curved glass. 

“I call it the fishbowl,” she says. “I fell in love with it when I first saw it. But I thought, I’m not going to be able to afford that.” Edwards was looking for a new location for her boutique gym, The New Body Project, which claims the distinction of being the only all-women’s boot camp in Brooklyn. 

Edwards, 35, started The New Body Project in 2017, after the local women’s gym she worked for shuttered suddenly. For the members — many of them women of color — the gym had been a kind of neighborhood home, and its closure was devastating. 

“Literally, a lot of the women had breakdowns,” Edwards recalls. “I just felt like a ton of bricks was falling on me, so I said, I’ve gotta do something.” She decided to start her own gym and went to a number of banks to try to get a loan. It did not go well. 

“Even though my credit is good,” she says, “if you haven’t been open for a year, no one wants to look at you — let alone looking at you [if] you’re black and a woman.” So she launched a Kickstarter campaign, and her community rallied to raise $3,000. Still, the location they landed in wasn’t ideal. (“We were doing burpees and there was mold dripping from the ceiling.”) So one day after driving past the fishbowl, she finally called. Just to see. “His original asking price was astronomical, but my community came together,” she says. “We wrote a letter to the landlord and expressed to him how we’re going to build this community, and he dropped the price significantly.” 

Even so, it was a stretch. To lock down the space, Edwards had to sell her house that she’d bought in her 20s, when she worked at a bank on Wall Street before getting laid off in the market crash. “I went to the SBA. I was denied. I went to TD bank. I was denied. I went to Capital One. I was denied,” she says. “So I was like, you know what? I have this place in Jersey. I hardly ever go back. I’ll sell that and use the money to secure a new location.”

She did, and for a year, it was wonderful. The New Body Project grew from 12 to 62 dedicated members, and Edwards hired four trainers. Her clients were not the Lululemon-y ladies at boutique studios up the block. They were all shapes and shades, from all different backgrounds, at all different stages in their fitness journeys. From early morning to evening, they could be found barefoot on the big squishy mat in the sunny fishbowl, swinging kettlebells and doing tire squats.

Then COVID-19 hit New York City. “Monday, we were open and doing business as usual, Tuesday I was closing my doors, and Wednesday I was remote teaching a third grader and a sixth grader,” Edwards says. “I was like, wait, what just happened? For nearly a week and a half I just went into the bathroom and cried. I couldn’t process that everything I sacrificed, everything I worked so hard for, could be gone.”

Danielle Edwards instructing at The New Body Project. Image Credit: Sideline.com 

A legacy of prejudice, compounded

Minority-owned small businesses stand to be hit the hardest by the pandemic’s economic fallout. In the best of times, entrepreneurs of color face a multitude of unique obstacles, many of which are embodied in Edwards’ experience. Taking straightforward racism out of the equation — of which there is plenty — it’s always difficult to get a loan without already having significant capital behind you. The facts are that the average white family in America has 10 times the wealth of the average black family, and eight times that of the average Hispanic family.  In 2019 the SBA found that 49 percent of loans from banks go to white-owned businesses, 23 percent go to Asian-owned businesses, 17 percent undetermined, 7 percent to Hispanic-owned business, 3 percent to black-owned businesses and 1 percent to American Indian-owned businesses. 

Because it’s hard to get loans — much less attention and strategic advice — from banks and investors, many minority owners also have more difficulty growing their businesses. In New York City, the virus’s long-standing epicenter, only 2 percent of all small businesses are black-owned, and only 3 percent claim employees (compared to 7 percent of Hispanic-owned businesses, 21 percent of Asian-owned businesses, and 22 percent of white-owned businesses). Many businesses started by entrepreneurs of color also operate in lower income areas, and on narrower margins. In immigrant communities, there are language impediments. 

Now those obstacles are compounding at an alarming rate. In the chaotic scramble to disperse the first $350 billion of relief loans from the Small Business Administration (SBA), banks prioritized clients who already have loans with them, as well as “small businesses” that are, in reality, anything but. (See this week’s Shake Shack fiasco.) The SBA had been essentially offering two types of loans: Economic Injury Disaster Loans (EIDL), of up to $2 million (with advances of up to $10,000, dispersed to businesses within three days of applying, but those advances have yet to materialize) and the Paycheck Protection Program (PPP), which offers small businesses loans of up to $10 million. 

Initial PPP funds ran out last Friday, and last night the Senate passed a new stimulus package that replenished the PPP with another $320 billion — including $60 billion for community banks, credit unions and even smaller lenders like Community Development Financial Institutions (CDFIs). This last specification is absolutely key to reaching minority small businesses, the vast majority of which have been left out in the cold so far.

CDFIs are some of the only lenders firmly rooted in communities of color, and their inclusion in the PPP is something that Gregg Bishop, New York City’s Commissioner of Small Business Services, has been pushing for. “The overwhelming needs of New York City’s small business community can only be met by the resources of the federal government,” he says. “We fought for more support in the next stimulus and won an additional $60 billion for our CDFIs and local banks. Our smallest businesses who rely on their community partners for support and service now have a greater chance at accessing the capital they need to remain open.”

Hopefully, that money will make it to those who need it most, fast. But in the past three weeks — as banks overlooked small businesses with no safety net — many minority small businesses have already plummeted too far into the red to make it out.  

Related: 3 Ways to Support Minority-Owned Businesses

The less you’re asking for, the less likely you are to get it

Back when the first round of SBA stimulus loans were announced in early April, many entrepreneurs were optimistic. James Heyward, a CPA in Durham, North Carolina, certainly was. Heyward is a black business owner, and the majority of his accounting firm’s clients are minority business owners. He spent two days studying the bill and applied for PPP through his bank, Wells Fargo. He didn’t need much to cover his payroll; he was only asking for $5,000. But as the days passed, he just received more emails from Wells Fargo telling him that, in his words, “I was still in the queue, but because of their lending cap, I might need to go apply somewhere else.”

For many entrepreneurs of color, their first obstacle in accessing stimulus funds is that they don’t have loans, a line of credit or an established relationship with a bank. But Heyward is an exception to the rule. He has a fairly extensive relationship with Wells Fargo. He has two business accounts, a line of credit, a business credit card, his personal account, his mortgage and a certificate of deposit. So when he wasn’t getting that little check for $5,000, he started thinking something was off. 

“Banks are for-profit businesses, right?” Heyward says. “They’re only making 1 percent interest on these loans. They don’t have the infrastructure for small loans, so their underwriting process for my $5,000 is the same for somebody requesting $500,000. So which one do you think they’ll spend the manpower on? If I was a bank, I would say yeah, okay, I could just give you this money. But it’s better for us to give larger amounts to sure bets than smaller amounts to a whole bunch of risky borrowers. Especially if your business isn’t really open right now. Not to be doom and gloom, but this may cripple you forever, and the bank will be left holding the bag, because I don’t get the sense that they necessarily believe that the government will get the SBA money to them in a timely fashion.”

Heyward isn’t alone in this conclusion. Benjamin Burke is a senior tax consultant at Snappy Tax, in Ocala, Florida. In an email he said, “I have been told off the record that banks are prioritizing the [PPP] loans first for people that have pre-existing loans with them. Then the bigger clients. Then everyone else. Additionally, some banks will not even touch PPP loans under $30,000. If a business owner did not have reserves, it won’t be long before they have to close for good. We are already seeing clients in this position.”

One of Burke’s clients is Brooke McGee, a Latina business owner based in Ocala. A 33-year-old single mom with six kids — one of whom is disabled and severely immunocompromised —  McGee worked for a trucking company for 13 years until she got laid off in 2019. So last October she founded her own company, First Watch Dispatch, a carrier, shipping and dispatch service and started out running the business from home. That quickly proved impractical since, as she puts it, “I don’t have a big house in a nice neighborhood, and having 20 semi trucks pull up to my driveway was not conducive.” 

She tried to secure a loan for an office space but couldn’t. “So,” she says, “in January I took my life savings and leased a building.” This February, after maxing out her credit card and having the lights turned off in her home, McGee was finally able to pay herself for the first time. Then, the pandemic started to spread, and McGee had no choice but to shut down. Even though her company plays an important role in the supply chain, McGee says a big part of her job is handling truckers’ paperwork, which “has been through literally thousands of hands, at stops from New York all the way to Florida.” The risk to her disabled daughter’s life is simply too great. “I’m trying to work from home,” she says, “but I can’t have the truckers come to my house. Plus I have six kids in six grades and only two computers.” 

As of our conversation, McGee had tried for weeks to get through on the government site to file for unemployment. Burke, her tax consultant, has helped her apply for the EIDL and PPP loans through her bank, the Florida Credit Union, but she hasn’t heard back about either. Because McGee’s truckers are all private contractors, her PPP request covers only her salary, and Burke worries the request won’t be worth her bank’s time. “My fear is that these smaller sized loans are being overlooked,” he says plainly. Now, McGee’s landlord is threatening to evict her. 

Brooke McGee and her six children. Image Credit: Brooke McGee

Beware predatory practices amidst of information chaos

While reporting this story, I talked to many minority small-business owners who assumed that they’d have an easier time getting approved because the amount they were asking for was so negligible. But as time went on and stimulus funds began dwindling, some owners inevitably turned to outside parties for help, leaving them and their businesses exposed to an entirely different threat.

The New Body Project has five employees including Edwards, and she requested $12,500 to cover payroll. As soon as the SBA loans were announced, she called TD bank, where she had her business checking and savings accounts, to ask about next steps. She waited on hold for over an hour to be told that “they don’t know because they have not been guided by the government yet.” 

As she waited for help from TD Bank, and panic-researched online, Edwards got an email from Groupon saying that she could apply for the PPP through their partnership with Fundera. Fundera is an online loan broker, similar to Kabbage or Lendio, which connects businesses to lenders for a “finder’s fee” from the bank. Edwards was dubious, but figured it was worth a shot and applied, and got a response that she’d made it to the next step with one of Fundera’s lending partners, Cross River Bank. Edwards had never heard of Cross River Bank, so she was hesitant, but decided to move forward with the application because she still hadn’t heard anything from TD Bank, and knew the loans were first-come, first-serve. Then the PPP money ran out.

While it’s not always a bad idea for business owners of color who are being underserved by their banks to look for funding through legitimate brokers like Fundera, attorney, stimulus analyst and Entrepreneur contributor Mat Sorensen points out that borrowers should be aware that the SBA-approved lenders these brokers will connect you with are still likely to put their established clients first.

Of greater concern is the lack of information and reliable advice available to desperate business owners, particularly immigrant entrepreneurs for whom English is their second language. The Renaissance Economic Development Corporation is a CDFI, and affiliate of Asian Americans for Equality. They’ve been lending to minority business owners in New York City since 1997, and their managing director, Jessie Lee, says she’s seen a surge in predatory practices. 

“A lot of our borrowers are getting secondary information from their ethnic media,” she says. “It’s so confusing that a lot of them have turned to brokers and accountants for guidance, and some of these brokers are predatory. I just found out that one of our clients went to a loan broker who said that they do the PPP program, when they don’t, and then took $2,000 from my business owner.”

Her advice for dealing with third parties? ”Always verify — are you an agent of an SBA lender? Do you have an SBA lenders agreement?”

Related: These City Programs Are Giving Minority- and Women-Owned …

The case for giving CDFIs capital

Renaissance is one of roughly 2,500 nonprofit Treasury-certified CDFIs across the country. CDFIs have long played a critical role in dispatching federal and state funds to the businesses in underserved communities that need them most. And in past crises like 9/11 and Hurricane Sandy, CDFIs dispersed substantial public relief funds (they gave out $12 million in emergency funds after 9/11, and $6 million after Sandy). But as the COVID-19 crisis has played out, Lee says that Renaissance has had to rely on private funds, like part of a recent $1 million commitment from Chase to minority-owned NYC businesses. It hasn’t been nearly enough. When we spoke a week ago, Lee told me that, “Over a thousand businesses have submitted interest forms, and we’re only going to be able to help maybe 200 of them.”

Bishop, the Commissioner of NYC’s Small Business Services, says giving CDFIs nationwide the capital they need to lend in their communities would be a game-changer for minority-owned small businesses. “CDFIs and small community banks are really the only lenders operating in communities of color,” he says, “They look beyond the credit score. They’re very flexible.” Until this point, however, most CDFIs haven’t been able to offer PPP loans. “We’ve been advocating for them to be allowed to participate, but it’s really about liquidity,” Bishop explains. 

It’s a catch-22: Because CDFI borrowers are often small businesses in communities of color, many operate with very narrow margins and are now struggling to pay their rent, much less their business loans. Consequently the CDFIs are too low on cash to offer PPP. 

Now, thankfully, the Senate’s latest stimulus bill  — which should move through the House quickly — has allocated $30 billion of the new $320 billion PPP funds specifically to community banks and credit unions, and another $30 billion to even smaller lenders like CDFIs (a total of $60 billion intended to reach minority and women-owned businesses). 

Lee is cautiously optimistic. “We believe this legislation is a step in the right direction because it gives smaller businesses a fighting chance at securing funding and enables CDFIs to help minority-owned business owners in our communities,” she says. “That being said, $30 billion will go quickly and will not come close to meeting the needs of millions of distressed businesses. In the weeks ahead, we will need more financial resources to stabilize our neighborhood mom-and-pop businesses.” 

One thing Lee is sure of is that, “The 8 week time period for PPP is unrealistic in New York. We believe businesses will need more funding over a longer period of time, given the city and state timelines for reopening the economy. And payroll assistance helps but businesses still must figure out how to pay their rent. This is a big issue they’re having to confront even after securing a PPP loan. Businesses need flexible capital to address their unique needs.”

Still, while the money is there, any minority small business that hasn’t yet put through an SBA application with another lender should reach out to their community bank, or find a CDFI near them (you shouldn’t apply for the SBA loans with more than one lender).

Heyward, the Durham-based CPA, thinks that moving forward, CDFIs and community banks should play a bigger role. But he thinks this should happen in tandem with the SBA creating more permanent classifications of small businesses, so that truly small businesses with no capital aren’t competing for loans with companies 20 times their size. 

“You can call them microbusinesses, or main street businesses, but people with gross revenues under 2 million or something like that,” he says. “Because when anyone in Washington gets on TV and says, ‘We’re doing something for the small businesses,’ I’m looking at the qualifications for a small business and thinking, ‘So what am I, a blip?’ And maybe that could be the domain of the community banks and CDFIs, because the commercial banks could care less about those loans anyway.”

“The systemic prejudice in this situation, in the beginning it’s not racial,” Heyward continues. “But we all know it’s not right. I don’t have to go beat the drum on that.” To the big banks, he says, “I’m just saying that you have to be honest. You have a lot of business owners who are truly expecting to get this money. Their margins were so small to begin with. For minority-owned businesses, this is crushing.”

Edwards is still waiting to see if her PPP application gets approved at Cross River Bank. But in the meantime, after working through the initial shock, she’s been characteristically resilient. In a matter of days, she designed an entire online fitness program for The New Body Project, complete with a weekly family karaoke session. “I won’t throw in the towel,” she says. “I believe this will make us better when we come out of it. It’s never easy to get help when you need it, so I’m blessed my business is something that can be continued online. It’s actually given me the opportunity to tweak my business model. I’m really proud of what I created.”

Related: How to Submit Your SBA PPP Loan Application and Calculate the …

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Minority-Owned Small Businesses Need Stimulus Loans the Most. They May Finally Get Some.

For four months in 2018, Danielle Edwards drove past the brownstone on the corner of 6th Avenue and St. Marks in Brooklyn. There was a “For Rent” sign in the window of the second-floor storefront, which caught her eye because the whole facade is enclosed by vintage curved glass. 

“I call it the fishbowl,” she says. “I fell in love with it when I first saw it. But I thought, I’m not going to be able to afford that.” Edwards was looking for a new location for her boutique gym, The New Body Project, which claims the distinction of being the only all-women’s boot camp in Brooklyn. 

Edwards, 35, started The New Body Project in 2017, after the local women’s gym she worked for shuttered suddenly. For the members — many of them women of color — the gym had been a kind of neighborhood home, and its closure was devastating. 

“Literally, a lot of the women had breakdowns,” Edwards recalls. “I just felt like a ton of bricks was falling on me, so I said, I’ve gotta do something.” She decided to start her own gym and went to a number of banks to try to get a loan. It did not go well. 

“Even though my credit is good,” she says, “if you haven’t been open for a year, no one wants to look at you — let alone looking at you [if] you’re black and a woman.” So she launched a Kickstarter campaign, and her community rallied to raise $3,000. Still, the location they landed in wasn’t ideal. (“We were doing burpees and there was mold dripping from the ceiling.”) So one day after driving past the fishbowl, she finally called. Just to see. “His original asking price was astronomical, but my community came together,” she says. “We wrote a letter to the landlord and expressed to him how we’re going to build this community, and he dropped the price significantly.” 

Even so, it was a stretch. To lock down the space, Edwards had to sell her house that she’d bought in her 20s, when she worked at a bank on Wall Street before getting laid off in the market crash. “I went to the SBA. I was denied. I went to TD bank. I was denied. I went to Capital One. I was denied,” she says. “So I was like, you know what? I have this place in Jersey. I hardly ever go back. I’ll sell that and use the money to secure a new location.”

She did, and for a year, it was wonderful. The New Body Project grew from 12 to 62 dedicated members, and Edwards hired four trainers. Her clients were not the Lululemon-y ladies at boutique studios up the block. They were all shapes and shades, from all different backgrounds, at all different stages in their fitness journeys. From early morning to evening, they could be found barefoot on the big squishy mat in the sunny fishbowl, swinging kettlebells and doing tire squats.

Then COVID-19 hit New York City. “Monday, we were open and doing business as usual, Tuesday I was closing my doors, and Wednesday I was remote teaching a third grader and a sixth grader,” Edwards says. “I was like, wait, what just happened? For nearly a week and a half I just went into the bathroom and cried. I couldn’t process that everything I sacrificed, everything I worked so hard for, could be gone.”

Danielle Edwards instructing at The New Body Project. Image Credit: Sideline.com 

A legacy of prejudice, compounded

Minority-owned small businesses stand to be hit the hardest by the pandemic’s economic fallout. In the best of times, entrepreneurs of color face a multitude of unique obstacles, many of which are embodied in Edwards’ experience. Taking straightforward racism out of the equation — of which there is plenty — it’s always difficult to get a loan without already having significant capital behind you. The facts are that the average white family in America has 10 times the wealth of the average black family, and eight times that of the average Hispanic family.  In 2019 the SBA found that 49 percent of loans from banks go to white-owned businesses, 23 percent go to Asian-owned businesses, 17 percent undetermined, 7 percent to Hispanic-owned business, 3 percent to black-owned businesses and 1 percent to American Indian-owned businesses. 

Because it’s hard to get loans — much less attention and strategic advice — from banks and investors, many minority owners also have more difficulty growing their businesses. In New York City, the virus’s long-standing epicenter, only 2 percent of all small businesses are black-owned, and only 3 percent claim employees (compared to 7 percent of Hispanic-owned businesses, 21 percent of Asian-owned businesses, and 22 percent of white-owned businesses). Many businesses started by entrepreneurs of color also operate in lower income areas, and on narrower margins. In immigrant communities, there are language impediments. 

Now those obstacles are compounding at an alarming rate. In the chaotic scramble to disperse the first $350 billion of relief loans from the Small Business Administration (SBA), banks prioritized clients who already have loans with them, as well as “small businesses” that are, in reality, anything but. (See this week’s Shake Shack fiasco.) The SBA had been essentially offering two types of loans: Economic Injury Disaster Loans (EIDL), of up to $2 million (with advances of up to $10,000, dispersed to businesses within three days of applying, but those advances have yet to materialize) and the Paycheck Protection Program (PPP), which offers small businesses loans of up to $10 million. 

Initial PPP funds ran out last Friday, and last night the Senate passed a new stimulus package that replenished the PPP with another $320 billion — including $60 billion for community banks, credit unions and even smaller lenders like Community Development Financial Institutions (CDFIs). This last specification is absolutely key to reaching minority small businesses, the vast majority of which have been left out in the cold so far.

CDFIs are some of the only lenders firmly rooted in communities of color, and their inclusion in the PPP is something that Gregg Bishop, New York City’s Commissioner of Small Business Services, has been pushing for. “The overwhelming needs of New York City’s small business community can only be met by the resources of the federal government,” he says. “We fought for more support in the next stimulus and won an additional $60 billion for our CDFIs and local banks. Our smallest businesses who rely on their community partners for support and service now have a greater chance at accessing the capital they need to remain open.”

Hopefully, that money will make it to those who need it most, fast. But in the past three weeks — as banks overlooked small businesses with no safety net — many minority small businesses have already plummeted too far into the red to make it out.  

Related: 3 Ways to Support Minority-Owned Businesses

The less you’re asking for, the less likely you are to get it

Back when the first round of SBA stimulus loans were announced in early April, many entrepreneurs were optimistic. James Heyward, a CPA in Durham, North Carolina, certainly was. Heyward is a black business owner, and the majority of his accounting firm’s clients are minority business owners. He spent two days studying the bill and applied for PPP through his bank, Wells Fargo. He didn’t need much to cover his payroll; he was only asking for $5,000. But as the days passed, he just received more emails from Wells Fargo telling him that, in his words, “I was still in the queue, but because of their lending cap, I might need to go apply somewhere else.”

For many entrepreneurs of color, their first obstacle in accessing stimulus funds is that they don’t have loans, a line of credit or an established relationship with a bank. But Heyward is an exception to the rule. He has a fairly extensive relationship with Wells Fargo. He has two business accounts, a line of credit, a business credit card, his personal account, his mortgage and a certificate of deposit. So when he wasn’t getting that little check for $5,000, he started thinking something was off. 

“Banks are for-profit businesses, right?” Heyward says. “They’re only making 1 percent interest on these loans. They don’t have the infrastructure for small loans, so their underwriting process for my $5,000 is the same for somebody requesting $500,000. So which one do you think they’ll spend the manpower on? If I was a bank, I would say yeah, okay, I could just give you this money. But it’s better for us to give larger amounts to sure bets than smaller amounts to a whole bunch of risky borrowers. Especially if your business isn’t really open right now. Not to be doom and gloom, but this may cripple you forever, and the bank will be left holding the bag, because I don’t get the sense that they necessarily believe that the government will get the SBA money to them in a timely fashion.”

Heyward isn’t alone in this conclusion. Benjamin Burke is a senior tax consultant at Snappy Tax, in Ocala, Florida. In an email he said, “I have been told off the record that banks are prioritizing the [PPP] loans first for people that have pre-existing loans with them. Then the bigger clients. Then everyone else. Additionally, some banks will not even touch PPP loans under $30,000. If a business owner did not have reserves, it won’t be long before they have to close for good. We are already seeing clients in this position.”

One of Burke’s clients is Brooke McGee, a Latina business owner based in Ocala. A 33-year-old single mom with six kids — one of whom is disabled and severely immunocompromised —  McGee worked for a trucking company for 13 years until she got laid off in 2019. So last October she founded her own company, First Watch Dispatch, a carrier, shipping and dispatch service and started out running the business from home. That quickly proved impractical since, as she puts it, “I don’t have a big house in a nice neighborhood, and having 20 semi trucks pull up to my driveway was not conducive.” 

She tried to secure a loan for an office space but couldn’t. “So,” she says, “in January I took my life savings and leased a building.” This February, after maxing out her credit card and having the lights turned off in her home, McGee was finally able to pay herself for the first time. Then, the pandemic started to spread, and McGee had no choice but to shut down. Even though her company plays an important role in the supply chain, McGee says a big part of her job is handling truckers’ paperwork, which “has been through literally thousands of hands, at stops from New York all the way to Florida.” The risk to her disabled daughter’s life is simply too great. “I’m trying to work from home,” she says, “but I can’t have the truckers come to my house. Plus I have six kids in six grades and only two computers.” 

As of our conversation, McGee had tried for weeks to get through on the government site to file for unemployment. Burke, her tax consultant, has helped her apply for the EIDL and PPP loans through her bank, the Florida Credit Union, but she hasn’t heard back about either. Because McGee’s truckers are all private contractors, her PPP request covers only her salary, and Burke worries the request won’t be worth her bank’s time. “My fear is that these smaller sized loans are being overlooked,” he says plainly. Now, McGee’s landlord is threatening to evict her. 

Brooke McGee and her six children. Image Credit: Brooke McGee

Beware predatory practices amidst of information chaos

While reporting this story, I talked to many minority small-business owners who assumed that they’d have an easier time getting approved because the amount they were asking for was so negligible. But as time went on and stimulus funds began dwindling, some owners inevitably turned to outside parties for help, leaving them and their businesses exposed to an entirely different threat.

The New Body Project has five employees including Edwards, and she requested $12,500 to cover payroll. As soon as the SBA loans were announced, she called TD bank, where she had her business checking and savings accounts, to ask about next steps. She waited on hold for over an hour to be told that “they don’t know because they have not been guided by the government yet.” 

As she waited for help from TD Bank, and panic-researched online, Edwards got an email from Groupon saying that she could apply for the PPP through their partnership with Fundera. Fundera is an online loan broker, similar to Kabbage or Lendio, which connects businesses to lenders for a “finder’s fee” from the bank. Edwards was dubious, but figured it was worth a shot and applied, and got a response that she’d made it to the next step with one of Fundera’s lending partners, Cross River Bank. Edwards had never heard of Cross River Bank, so she was hesitant, but decided to move forward with the application because she still hadn’t heard anything from TD Bank, and knew the loans were first-come, first-serve. Then the PPP money ran out.

While it’s not always a bad idea for business owners of color who are being underserved by their banks to look for funding through legitimate brokers like Fundera, attorney, stimulus analyst and Entrepreneur contributor Mat Sorensen points out that borrowers should be aware that the SBA-approved lenders these brokers will connect you with are still likely to put their established clients first.

Of greater concern is the lack of information and reliable advice available to desperate business owners, particularly immigrant entrepreneurs for whom English is their second language. The Renaissance Economic Development Corporation is a CDFI, and affiliate of Asian Americans for Equality. They’ve been lending to minority business owners in New York City since 1997, and their managing director, Jessie Lee, says she’s seen a surge in predatory practices. 

“A lot of our borrowers are getting secondary information from their ethnic media,” she says. “It’s so confusing that a lot of them have turned to brokers and accountants for guidance, and some of these brokers are predatory. I just found out that one of our clients went to a loan broker who said that they do the PPP program, when they don’t, and then took $2,000 from my business owner.”

Her advice for dealing with third parties? ”Always verify — are you an agent of an SBA lender? Do you have an SBA lenders agreement?”

Related: These City Programs Are Giving Minority- and Women-Owned …

The case for giving CDFIs capital

Renaissance is one of roughly 2,500 nonprofit Treasury-certified CDFIs across the country. CDFIs have long played a critical role in dispatching federal and state funds to the businesses in underserved communities that need them most. And in past crises like 9/11 and Hurricane Sandy, CDFIs dispersed substantial public relief funds (they gave out $12 million in emergency funds after 9/11, and $6 million after Sandy). But as the COVID-19 crisis has played out, Lee says that Renaissance has had to rely on private funds, like part of a recent $1 million commitment from Chase to minority-owned NYC businesses. It hasn’t been nearly enough. When we spoke a week ago, Lee told me that, “Over a thousand businesses have submitted interest forms, and we’re only going to be able to help maybe 200 of them.”

Bishop, the Commissioner of NYC’s Small Business Services, says giving CDFIs nationwide the capital they need to lend in their communities would be a game-changer for minority-owned small businesses. “CDFIs and small community banks are really the only lenders operating in communities of color,” he says, “They look beyond the credit score. They’re very flexible.” Until this point, however, most CDFIs haven’t been able to offer PPP loans. “We’ve been advocating for them to be allowed to participate, but it’s really about liquidity,” Bishop explains. 

It’s a catch-22: Because CDFI borrowers are often small businesses in communities of color, many operate with very narrow margins and are now struggling to pay their rent, much less their business loans. Consequently the CDFIs are too low on cash to offer PPP. 

Now, thankfully, the Senate’s latest stimulus bill  — which should move through the House quickly — has allocated $30 billion of the new $320 billion PPP funds specifically to community banks and credit unions, and another $30 billion to even smaller lenders like CDFIs (a total of $60 billion intended to reach minority and women-owned businesses). 

Lee is cautiously optimistic. “We believe this legislation is a step in the right direction because it gives smaller businesses a fighting chance at securing funding and enables CDFIs to help minority-owned business owners in our communities,” she says. “That being said, $30 billion will go quickly and will not come close to meeting the needs of millions of distressed businesses. In the weeks ahead, we will need more financial resources to stabilize our neighborhood mom-and-pop businesses.” 

One thing Lee is sure of is that, “The 8 week time period for PPP is unrealistic in New York. We believe businesses will need more funding over a longer period of time, given the city and state timelines for reopening the economy. And payroll assistance helps but businesses still must figure out how to pay their rent. This is a big issue they’re having to confront even after securing a PPP loan. Businesses need flexible capital to address their unique needs.”

Still, while the money is there, any minority small business that hasn’t yet put through an SBA application with another lender should reach out to their community bank, or find a CDFI near them (you shouldn’t apply for the SBA loans with more than one lender).

Heyward, the Durham-based CPA, thinks that moving forward, CDFIs and community banks should play a bigger role. But he thinks this should happen in tandem with the SBA creating more permanent classifications of small businesses, so that truly small businesses with no capital aren’t competing for loans with companies 20 times their size. 

“You can call them microbusinesses, or main street businesses, but people with gross revenues under 2 million or something like that,” he says. “Because when anyone in Washington gets on TV and says, ‘We’re doing something for the small businesses,’ I’m looking at the qualifications for a small business and thinking, ‘So what am I, a blip?’ And maybe that could be the domain of the community banks and CDFIs, because the commercial banks could care less about those loans anyway.”

“The systemic prejudice in this situation, in the beginning it’s not racial,” Heyward continues. “But we all know it’s not right. I don’t have to go beat the drum on that.” To the big banks, he says, “I’m just saying that you have to be honest. You have a lot of business owners who are truly expecting to get this money. Their margins were so small to begin with. For minority-owned businesses, this is crushing.”

Edwards is still waiting to see if her PPP application gets approved at Cross River Bank. But in the meantime, after working through the initial shock, she’s been characteristically resilient. In a matter of days, she designed an entire online fitness program for The New Body Project, complete with a weekly family karaoke session. “I won’t throw in the towel,” she says. “I believe this will make us better when we come out of it. It’s never easy to get help when you need it, so I’m blessed my business is something that can be continued online. It’s actually given me the opportunity to tweak my business model. I’m really proud of what I created.”

Related: How to Submit Your SBA PPP Loan Application and Calculate the …

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source http://www.scpie.org/minority-owned-small-businesses-need-stimulus-loans-the-most-they-may-finally-get-some/

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Minority-Owned Small Businesses Need Stimulus Loans the Most. They May Finally Get Some.

For four months in 2018, Danielle Edwards drove past the brownstone on the corner of 6th Avenue and St. Marks in Brooklyn. There was a “For Rent” sign in the window of the second-floor storefront, which caught her eye because the whole facade is enclosed by vintage curved glass. 

“I call it the fishbowl,” she says. “I fell in love with it when I first saw it. But I thought, I’m not going to be able to afford that.” Edwards was looking for a new location for her boutique gym, The New Body Project, which claims the distinction of being the only all-women’s boot camp in Brooklyn. 

Edwards, 35, started The New Body Project in 2017, after the local women’s gym she worked for shuttered suddenly. For the members — many of them women of color — the gym had been a kind of neighborhood home, and its closure was devastating. 

“Literally, a lot of the women had breakdowns,” Edwards recalls. “I just felt like a ton of bricks was falling on me, so I said, I’ve gotta do something.” She decided to start her own gym and went to a number of banks to try to get a loan. It did not go well. 

“Even though my credit is good,” she says, “if you haven’t been open for a year, no one wants to look at you — let alone looking at you [if] you’re black and a woman.” So she launched a Kickstarter campaign, and her community rallied to raise $3,000. Still, the location they landed in wasn’t ideal. (“We were doing burpees and there was mold dripping from the ceiling.”) So one day after driving past the fishbowl, she finally called. Just to see. “His original asking price was astronomical, but my community came together,” she says. “We wrote a letter to the landlord and expressed to him how we’re going to build this community, and he dropped the price significantly.” 

Even so, it was a stretch. To lock down the space, Edwards had to sell her house that she’d bought in her 20s, when she worked at a bank on Wall Street before getting laid off in the market crash. “I went to the SBA. I was denied. I went to TD bank. I was denied. I went to Capital One. I was denied,” she says. “So I was like, you know what? I have this place in Jersey. I hardly ever go back. I’ll sell that and use the money to secure a new location.”

She did, and for a year, it was wonderful. The New Body Project grew from 12 to 62 dedicated members, and Edwards hired four trainers. Her clients were not the Lululemon-y ladies at boutique studios up the block. They were all shapes and shades, from all different backgrounds, at all different stages in their fitness journeys. From early morning to evening, they could be found barefoot on the big squishy mat in the sunny fishbowl, swinging kettlebells and doing tire squats.

Then COVID-19 hit New York City. “Monday, we were open and doing business as usual, Tuesday I was closing my doors, and Wednesday I was remote teaching a third grader and a sixth grader,” Edwards says. “I was like, wait, what just happened? For nearly a week and a half I just went into the bathroom and cried. I couldn’t process that everything I sacrificed, everything I worked so hard for, could be gone.”

Danielle Edwards instructing at The New Body Project. Image Credit: Sideline.com 

A legacy of prejudice, compounded

Minority-owned small businesses stand to be hit the hardest by the pandemic’s economic fallout. In the best of times, entrepreneurs of color face a multitude of unique obstacles, many of which are embodied in Edwards’ experience. Taking straightforward racism out of the equation — of which there is plenty — it’s always difficult to get a loan without already having significant capital behind you. The facts are that the average white family in America has 10 times the wealth of the average black family, and eight times that of the average Hispanic family.  In 2019 the SBA found that 49 percent of loans from banks go to white-owned businesses, 23 percent go to Asian-owned businesses, 17 percent undetermined, 7 percent to Hispanic-owned business, 3 percent to black-owned businesses and 1 percent to American Indian-owned businesses. 

Because it’s hard to get loans — much less attention and strategic advice — from banks and investors, many minority owners also have more difficulty growing their businesses. In New York City, the virus’s long-standing epicenter, only 2 percent of all small businesses are black-owned, and only 3 percent claim employees (compared to 7 percent of Hispanic-owned businesses, 21 percent of Asian-owned businesses, and 22 percent of white-owned businesses). Many businesses started by entrepreneurs of color also operate in lower income areas, and on narrower margins. In immigrant communities, there are language impediments. 

Now those obstacles are compounding at an alarming rate. In the chaotic scramble to disperse the first $350 billion of relief loans from the Small Business Administration (SBA), banks prioritized clients who already have loans with them, as well as “small businesses” that are, in reality, anything but. (See this week’s Shake Shack fiasco.) The SBA had been essentially offering two types of loans: Economic Injury Disaster Loans (EIDL), of up to $2 million (with advances of up to $10,000, dispersed to businesses within three days of applying, but those advances have yet to materialize) and the Paycheck Protection Program (PPP), which offers small businesses loans of up to $10 million. 

Initial PPP funds ran out last Friday, and last night the Senate passed a new stimulus package that replenished the PPP with another $320 billion — including $60 billion for community banks, credit unions and even smaller lenders like Community Development Financial Institutions (CDFIs). This last specification is absolutely key to reaching minority small businesses, the vast majority of which have been left out in the cold so far.

CDFIs are some of the only lenders firmly rooted in communities of color, and their inclusion in the PPP is something that Gregg Bishop, New York City’s Commissioner of Small Business Services, has been pushing for. “The overwhelming needs of New York City’s small business community can only be met by the resources of the federal government,” he says. “We fought for more support in the next stimulus and won an additional $60 billion for our CDFIs and local banks. Our smallest businesses who rely on their community partners for support and service now have a greater chance at accessing the capital they need to remain open.”

Hopefully, that money will make it to those who need it most, fast. But in the past three weeks — as banks overlooked small businesses with no safety net — many minority small businesses have already plummeted too far into the red to make it out.  

Related: 3 Ways to Support Minority-Owned Businesses

The less you’re asking for, the less likely you are to get it

Back when the first round of SBA stimulus loans were announced in early April, many entrepreneurs were optimistic. James Heyward, a CPA in Durham, North Carolina, certainly was. Heyward is a black business owner, and the majority of his accounting firm’s clients are minority business owners. He spent two days studying the bill and applied for PPP through his bank, Wells Fargo. He didn’t need much to cover his payroll; he was only asking for $5,000. But as the days passed, he just received more emails from Wells Fargo telling him that, in his words, “I was still in the queue, but because of their lending cap, I might need to go apply somewhere else.”

For many entrepreneurs of color, their first obstacle in accessing stimulus funds is that they don’t have loans, a line of credit or an established relationship with a bank. But Heyward is an exception to the rule. He has a fairly extensive relationship with Wells Fargo. He has two business accounts, a line of credit, a business credit card, his personal account, his mortgage and a certificate of deposit. So when he wasn’t getting that little check for $5,000, he started thinking something was off. 

“Banks are for-profit businesses, right?” Heyward says. “They’re only making 1 percent interest on these loans. They don’t have the infrastructure for small loans, so their underwriting process for my $5,000 is the same for somebody requesting $500,000. So which one do you think they’ll spend the manpower on? If I was a bank, I would say yeah, okay, I could just give you this money. But it’s better for us to give larger amounts to sure bets than smaller amounts to a whole bunch of risky borrowers. Especially if your business isn’t really open right now. Not to be doom and gloom, but this may cripple you forever, and the bank will be left holding the bag, because I don’t get the sense that they necessarily believe that the government will get the SBA money to them in a timely fashion.”

Heyward isn’t alone in this conclusion. Benjamin Burke is a senior tax consultant at Snappy Tax, in Ocala, Florida. In an email he said, “I have been told off the record that banks are prioritizing the [PPP] loans first for people that have pre-existing loans with them. Then the bigger clients. Then everyone else. Additionally, some banks will not even touch PPP loans under $30,000. If a business owner did not have reserves, it won’t be long before they have to close for good. We are already seeing clients in this position.”

One of Burke’s clients is Brooke McGee, a Latina business owner based in Ocala. A 33-year-old single mom with six kids — one of whom is disabled and severely immunocompromised —  McGee worked for a trucking company for 13 years until she got laid off in 2019. So last October she founded her own company, First Watch Dispatch, a carrier, shipping and dispatch service and started out running the business from home. That quickly proved impractical since, as she puts it, “I don’t have a big house in a nice neighborhood, and having 20 semi trucks pull up to my driveway was not conducive.” 

She tried to secure a loan for an office space but couldn’t. “So,” she says, “in January I took my life savings and leased a building.” This February, after maxing out her credit card and having the lights turned off in her home, McGee was finally able to pay herself for the first time. Then, the pandemic started to spread, and McGee had no choice but to shut down. Even though her company plays an important role in the supply chain, McGee says a big part of her job is handling truckers’ paperwork, which “has been through literally thousands of hands, at stops from New York all the way to Florida.” The risk to her disabled daughter’s life is simply too great. “I’m trying to work from home,” she says, “but I can’t have the truckers come to my house. Plus I have six kids in six grades and only two computers.” 

As of our conversation, McGee had tried for weeks to get through on the government site to file for unemployment. Burke, her tax consultant, has helped her apply for the EIDL and PPP loans through her bank, the Florida Credit Union, but she hasn’t heard back about either. Because McGee’s truckers are all private contractors, her PPP request covers only her salary, and Burke worries the request won’t be worth her bank’s time. “My fear is that these smaller sized loans are being overlooked,” he says plainly. Now, McGee’s landlord is threatening to evict her. 

Brooke McGee and her six children. Image Credit: Brooke McGee

Beware predatory practices amidst of information chaos

While reporting this story, I talked to many minority small-business owners who assumed that they’d have an easier time getting approved because the amount they were asking for was so negligible. But as time went on and stimulus funds began dwindling, some owners inevitably turned to outside parties for help, leaving them and their businesses exposed to an entirely different threat.

The New Body Project has five employees including Edwards, and she requested $12,500 to cover payroll. As soon as the SBA loans were announced, she called TD bank, where she had her business checking and savings accounts, to ask about next steps. She waited on hold for over an hour to be told that “they don’t know because they have not been guided by the government yet.” 

As she waited for help from TD Bank, and panic-researched online, Edwards got an email from Groupon saying that she could apply for the PPP through their partnership with Fundera. Fundera is an online loan broker, similar to Kabbage or Lendio, which connects businesses to lenders for a “finder’s fee” from the bank. Edwards was dubious, but figured it was worth a shot and applied, and got a response that she’d made it to the next step with one of Fundera’s lending partners, Cross River Bank. Edwards had never heard of Cross River Bank, so she was hesitant, but decided to move forward with the application because she still hadn’t heard anything from TD Bank, and knew the loans were first-come, first-serve. Then the PPP money ran out.

While it’s not always a bad idea for business owners of color who are being underserved by their banks to look for funding through legitimate brokers like Fundera, attorney, stimulus analyst and Entrepreneur contributor Mat Sorensen points out that borrowers should be aware that the SBA-approved lenders these brokers will connect you with are still likely to put their established clients first.

Of greater concern is the lack of information and reliable advice available to desperate business owners, particularly immigrant entrepreneurs for whom English is their second language. The Renaissance Economic Development Corporation is a CDFI, and affiliate of Asian Americans for Equality. They’ve been lending to minority business owners in New York City since 1997, and their managing director, Jessie Lee, says she’s seen a surge in predatory practices. 

“A lot of our borrowers are getting secondary information from their ethnic media,” she says. “It’s so confusing that a lot of them have turned to brokers and accountants for guidance, and some of these brokers are predatory. I just found out that one of our clients went to a loan broker who said that they do the PPP program, when they don’t, and then took $2,000 from my business owner.”

Her advice for dealing with third parties? ”Always verify — are you an agent of an SBA lender? Do you have an SBA lenders agreement?”

Related: These City Programs Are Giving Minority- and Women-Owned …

The case for giving CDFIs capital

Renaissance is one of roughly 2,500 nonprofit Treasury-certified CDFIs across the country. CDFIs have long played a critical role in dispatching federal and state funds to the businesses in underserved communities that need them most. And in past crises like 9/11 and Hurricane Sandy, CDFIs dispersed substantial public relief funds (they gave out $12 million in emergency funds after 9/11, and $6 million after Sandy). But as the COVID-19 crisis has played out, Lee says that Renaissance has had to rely on private funds, like part of a recent $1 million commitment from Chase to minority-owned NYC businesses. It hasn’t been nearly enough. When we spoke a week ago, Lee told me that, “Over a thousand businesses have submitted interest forms, and we’re only going to be able to help maybe 200 of them.”

Bishop, the Commissioner of NYC’s Small Business Services, says giving CDFIs nationwide the capital they need to lend in their communities would be a game-changer for minority-owned small businesses. “CDFIs and small community banks are really the only lenders operating in communities of color,” he says, “They look beyond the credit score. They’re very flexible.” Until this point, however, most CDFIs haven’t been able to offer PPP loans. “We’ve been advocating for them to be allowed to participate, but it’s really about liquidity,” Bishop explains. 

It’s a catch-22: Because CDFI borrowers are often small businesses in communities of color, many operate with very narrow margins and are now struggling to pay their rent, much less their business loans. Consequently the CDFIs are too low on cash to offer PPP. 

Now, thankfully, the Senate’s latest stimulus bill  — which should move through the House quickly — has allocated $30 billion of the new $320 billion PPP funds specifically to community banks and credit unions, and another $30 billion to even smaller lenders like CDFIs (a total of $60 billion intended to reach minority and women-owned businesses). 

Lee is cautiously optimistic. “We believe this legislation is a step in the right direction because it gives smaller businesses a fighting chance at securing funding and enables CDFIs to help minority-owned business owners in our communities,” she says. “That being said, $30 billion will go quickly and will not come close to meeting the needs of millions of distressed businesses. In the weeks ahead, we will need more financial resources to stabilize our neighborhood mom-and-pop businesses.” 

One thing Lee is sure of is that, “The 8 week time period for PPP is unrealistic in New York. We believe businesses will need more funding over a longer period of time, given the city and state timelines for reopening the economy. And payroll assistance helps but businesses still must figure out how to pay their rent. This is a big issue they’re having to confront even after securing a PPP loan. Businesses need flexible capital to address their unique needs.”

Still, while the money is there, any minority small business that hasn’t yet put through an SBA application with another lender should reach out to their community bank, or find a CDFI near them (you shouldn’t apply for the SBA loans with more than one lender).

Heyward, the Durham-based CPA, thinks that moving forward, CDFIs and community banks should play a bigger role. But he thinks this should happen in tandem with the SBA creating more permanent classifications of small businesses, so that truly small businesses with no capital aren’t competing for loans with companies 20 times their size. 

“You can call them microbusinesses, or main street businesses, but people with gross revenues under 2 million or something like that,” he says. “Because when anyone in Washington gets on TV and says, ‘We’re doing something for the small businesses,’ I’m looking at the qualifications for a small business and thinking, ‘So what am I, a blip?’ And maybe that could be the domain of the community banks and CDFIs, because the commercial banks could care less about those loans anyway.”

“The systemic prejudice in this situation, in the beginning it’s not racial,” Heyward continues. “But we all know it’s not right. I don’t have to go beat the drum on that.” To the big banks, he says, “I’m just saying that you have to be honest. You have a lot of business owners who are truly expecting to get this money. Their margins were so small to begin with. For minority-owned businesses, this is crushing.”

Edwards is still waiting to see if her PPP application gets approved at Cross River Bank. But in the meantime, after working through the initial shock, she’s been characteristically resilient. In a matter of days, she designed an entire online fitness program for The New Body Project, complete with a weekly family karaoke session. “I won’t throw in the towel,” she says. “I believe this will make us better when we come out of it. It’s never easy to get help when you need it, so I’m blessed my business is something that can be continued online. It’s actually given me the opportunity to tweak my business model. I’m really proud of what I created.”

Related: How to Submit Your SBA PPP Loan Application and Calculate the …

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How to Use the 2018 Holiday Season to Drive Sales

With the holiday season quickly approaching, your business needs to take steps to prepare for a potential surge in sales.

But you can’t assume people will buy from your brand during the holidays if you sit back and do nothing. The brands able to recognize the latest marketing trends will have success in the coming months.

Consumers are willing and able to spend money during the holidays. It’s a fact.

How you prepare and position yourself will determine how much of the market share your company will control.

Even though the ecommerce industry is a competitive space, there is plenty of money to go around.

In fact, experts predict ecommerce sales to increase by 17-22% during the 2018 holiday season. November 1st to January 31st is considered the holiday season.

I know what some of you are thinking. There are holidays throughout the entire year. What makes the ones during those dates so special?

Research shows consumers say they will spend nearly $800 during the winter holidays:

On average, they spend more money during the winter holidays than during all the other top-spending holidays combined.

It’s the season of giving, and it’s usually a happy time of year. People are feeling generous when buying gifts for their friends and family.

However, the holiday season can be stressful. The weather starts to get colder. Stores get busier. Consumers feel overwhelmed with the length of their to-do lists.

As a marketer, you need to make the buying process as easy as possible for the customer.

With your ecommerce platform, there is no reason for people to fight the crowds at their local shopping malls. They can buy holiday gifts from the comfort of their homes.

I’ll explain how you can use this situation to your advantage and benefit from a major boost in ecommerce sales during the 2018 holiday season.

Don’t wait to start your promotions

When is it appropriate to start running holiday ads?

Right now.

You need to learn how to build hype for the holiday season as an ecommerce brand.

This is your chance to let people know what to expect. Tell them what type of sales you’ll be running or whether you’re planning to release a new product around that time.

They may not necessarily buy something the first time they see your holiday ad, but be persistent. Continue running promotions on all your distribution channels.

When consumers are ready to buy, your business will be on their minds.

All too often I see ecommerce brands hesitant to start these promotions early. They think it’s a waste of money because people don’t start shopping until late November at the earliest.

But that’s not the case. Research shows that only 27% of consumers don’t purchase any gifts before Thanksgiving:

This means that more than 70% of people have done at least some holiday shopping before Thanksgiving.

It’s not unreasonable for a customer to buy gifts during the first week of November.

The earlier you can start your holiday promotions, the greater chance you’ll have of driving more ecommerce sales.

Recognize the most popular shopping days

As you can see, there is a surge in ecommerce sales between November and January. But some days are more popular than others during that time.

Over the past five years, Cyber Monday and Black Friday have consistently been the most popular days for holiday shoppers:

We’ve all seen those crazy Black Friday videos every year. Hundreds of customers running into stores, trampling on anything and anyone who gets in their way.

Six people fist-fighting over the last TV in the store. It’s madness.

Why does this happen? It’s because everyone loves to get a deal.

As an ecommerce brand, you need to run ads promoting ways customers can save money by shopping online. They don’t need to deal with that mayhem to get a bargain.

Here’s another strategy you can consider. There’s no need for you to wait till Cyber Monday to slash your prices.

Since so many people are shopping during those two days, your brand could get lost in the shuffle.

To stand out, create your own brand holiday that same week.

Send out email reminders, post on social media, and update your website. Then your customers will know they can get great deals on the Tuesday or Wednesday before or after Cyber Monday.

If you implement this strategy, you should still continue to run deals on Black Friday and Cyber Monday.

The last thing you want to do is let your competitors steal your customers during the two most popular shopping days of the year.

Put emphasis on your return policy

Obviously, you don’t want to deal with returns. However, your return policy is important to your customers.

This is especially true during the holiday season. When people buy gifts, they don’t know whether the recipient will like what they get.

What if they already have one? What if the size is wrong?

That’s probably why holiday ecommerce return rates are so high.

Customers are more than three times as likely to return a holiday ecommerce purchase than a standard brick and mortar purchase.

Ecommerce return rates are 10% higher during the holidays than the rest of the year.

Furthermore, 80% of consumers expect free returns. However, only 25% of retailers have a free return policy.

This is your chance to differentiate yourself from the competition. Offer free returns.

We know that 83% of customers read return policies before buying something, so make sure this information is easy to find on your website.

Here’s something else you should keep in mind: 72% of consumers are willing to shop more frequently and spend more money with businesses offering easy returns.

If you make this process simple, you can boost revenue by optimizing the customer experience.

Consider extending the length of your return deadlines, especially during the holiday season. Here’s why.

Even if your company has a 30-day return policy with no questions asked, it still may not be good enough. What if someone buys a gift for Christmas in early November?

The return policy could be invalid before the recipient even opens their gift.

Take all of this into consideration when you’re creating your return policy. Advertise how easy it is for customers to return gifts without any hassle.

Don’t charge for shipping

In addition to offering free returns, you should offer free shipping as well.

I already discussed how much money people plan to spend during the holidays. They’ll do whatever they can to save money when they have the chance.

If they are torn between buying something from two different brands, they’ll ultimately decide to go with the company that will ship their items free.

Don’t underestimate the importance of this. Free shipping was cited by consumers as the most important option when buying online:

The reason why businesses don’t offer free shipping is because they don’t want the cost to come out of their pockets, which is understandable.

To offset the shipping cost, just raise the prices of your products.

Your customers won’t know the difference. They’re still paying for the advertised price and can benefit from free shipping.

Here’s an analogy.

Have you ever stayed at a hotel offering free breakfast?

Obviously, that breakfast isn’t free. Its cost was included in your nightly rate.

The same concept can be applied to free shipping.

Offer rewards for customer loyalty

The holiday season shouldn’t be a time for you to start focusing on customer acquisition.

Would you be happy with getting new customers? Absolutely.

But that doesn’t mean you should be marketing to a new audience. Instead, focus on generating sales from your existing customers.

These people already know who you are and what you stand for. They’re familiar with your products and don’t need any introduction.

You can increase sales by implementing a customer loyalty program. You can use this strategy all year.

Research indicates 82% of consumers are more likely to buy from brands offering loyalty programs.

If you have these programs in place, make sure you remind your loyal customers they can save money with their rewards during the holidays.

As I said before, people are spending a ton of money during this season, so they’ll gladly look for any way to save a few bucks whenever possible.

During the holidays, 86% of consumers will stay loyal to businesses that have rewards programs:

Furthermore, 90% of shoppers say they plan to take advantage of rewards programs during the holiday season.

And 50% of consumers plan to use those rewards to buy more gifts than they normally would.

But just because someone is a member of your rewards program doesn’t mean they won’t buy from another brand.

The average consumer participates in four different rewards programs.

To ensure your customers buy from you instead of your competitors, you need to offer better rewards and incentives.

Make it easy for customers to track shipping

Earlier I mentioned that people are stressed during the holidays.

They have much to do and have many things on their minds. To stay organized, people want the ability to track the progress of their orders.

You should send shipping notifications and tracking numbers to your customers.

This is a great chance for you to create an actionable drip campaign.

First, send an email to the customer confirming their order was completed. Then, send a second email notifying them the order has shipped. This is an appropriate time to include the tracking number.

Finally, send a third email when the product has been delivered.

Click-through rates to tracking pages increase during the holiday season:

This should tell you that consumers are genuinely interested in tracking their orders. It gives them a chance to make sure everything is going according to schedule.

Studies show 93% of consumers refer to their emails for these notifications, and 38% of people want to be contacted on multiple channels.

If applicable, consider sending text messages and push notifications.

Here is another reason why tracking packages is such an important feature for you to offer.

Statistics indicate that 33% of people have had packages stolen from their doorsteps. Nearly 26 million Americans had packages stolen from their doorsteps or front porches during the 2017 holiday season.

With ecommerce sales expected to rise during the 2018 holiday season, it’s safe to assume theft will rise as well.

These are alarming numbers, but it’s reality. By alerting your customers their orders have been delivered, you can help reduce the chances of theft of their purchases.

Prioritize mobile commerce

By now, I hope you’ve recognized the importance of mobile optimization.

Your website should be mobile friendly, and some of you may have even developed a successful mobile commerce app.

Don’t overlook mobile commerce during the holidays. It should remain an important part of your marketing strategy.

On Black Friday of 2017, 57% of ecommerce traffic came from mobile devices. People were using their smartphones even while shopping in stores.

Mobile commerce held a 37% revenue share last year during the holidays. This was up from 17.5% in 2016.

I expect this trend to continue rising in 2018 and the coming years as well.

Consumers will turn to their mobile devices to buy during the holidays.

As you can see from these numbers, ecommerce brands with mobile apps will have a competitive advantage here.

Make sure you utilize all the features at your disposal.

Send out push notifications to mobile app users to remind them of flash sales. You can also send notifications about order updates, which I discussed when talking about tracking orders.

Appeal to those last-minute shoppers

Earlier I told you that you should start advertising as soon as possible because people start shopping for the holidays sooner than you may think.

But some people just love waiting until the last minute.

Don’t stop running your holiday campaigns until the season is officially over. Make sure you find ways to appeal to last-minute shoppers.

The best way to do this is by offering fast shipping options:

As you can see, people who wait until the last minute to buy gifts are significantly more likely to buy from retailers offering fast delivery.

Last-minute shoppers are 39% more likely to abandon their shopping carts if the delivery options are too slow.

Overall, 67% of consumers abandoned ecommerce shopping carts in the last year because of slow delivery times. This is a 16% increase from last year.

And 92% of consumers said that receiving their delivery on time was the most important factor they considered when purchasing a gift.

Unfortunately, it may not be reasonable to combine your fast delivery feature with your free shipping incentive.

If a last-minute shopper needs something shipped overnight two days before Christmas, they’ll have to pay a premium for shipping. But by this point, they’re willing to pay as long as it arrives on time.

Conclusion

The holiday season is a great opportunity for you to take advantage of consumer spending habits.

Since they spend more money, you have a chance to make more money. But this won’t come automatically.

Start promoting your holiday sales as early as possible. Run your best deals on the most popular shopping days of the year.

Make it appealing for customers to buy from you instead of your competition.

Offer free shipping. Have a hassle-free return policy. Reward your most loyal customers.

Allow your customers to see their order status and track the shipping of their packages.

Don’t forget about mobile customers and last-minute shoppers.

Follow the advice I’ve outlined above, and use this guide as a reference to generate sales during the 2018 holiday season. Happy holidays!

How is your business planning on appealing to holiday shoppers this season?

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