#the loss of self by something eating away at your memories. it mentally isolates a person

[beedreamscape]

I need someone to discuss the absolute horror potential of Opal with. The loss and terror, possession baked into who she was and who she is. The knowledge that breaking free will be her demise. The blurring of the who i am/who she made me, how much is me/how much is Ted.

It's all, personally, very scary.

[dalamusrex]

Break?

break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?

Historically it has happened when he killed Falin (his first love, killed when he Turned), got divorced from his first marriage, and from being suddenly "cured" of his vampirism. It would likely happen with any sudden/unexpected death of a loved one, as well.

TL;DR--Dalamus tends to isolate himself out of vulnerability and embarrassment, and neglect his needs when under severe emotional distress. He can even occasionally swing into self-destructive or self-harmful tendencies if it is acute enough. He hates feeling sad and often channels it into anger because it feels more "useful," but has learned to allow sadness to be felt so he can get through it rather than push it away where it will build up.

Several people have seen him at some of his lowest moments, namely his family (Llaara), his friends (Tortulja, Shadrach, Tommy, Thurvayn, Badras, Minaese, and probably more), and his partner (Sinbadaen).

Dalamus' particular circumstances around him contracting vampirism prevented him from seeking a healer or even a cure disease potion, because he did not know. All he knew was that he woke up and Falin was dead beside him, her throat ripped out, them both covered in her blood, and he had fangs. The memory of the attack would not come until later.

Something in him would not accept what had happened. After the guilt wracked him to his core and he apologized profusely, he attempted to "make it up to her". He continued trying to take care of her the next morning, trying to put her throat back together and wrapping it to keep the mangled pieces in place, sitting her at the table, trying to get her to eat. When none of that worked, he slumped against the corner of the room and just.. sat there, curled up, face hidden against his knees, for days while Falin decayed, neglecting his new needs. He still looked upon her fondly when wondering if she was comfortable in her chair.

When guards were called to the residence, Dal's Thirst-fueled bloodlust caused him to attack and kill guards and townspeople alike--some he and Falin had even been friends with--and only after getting his fill on blood did he get some mental clarity and realize what he was doing. Slammed with guilt yet again, he took Falin's body and ran, cleaned her body at a river, then buried her at the top of her favorite hill overlooking the Whiterun plains.

He would then spend the next several decades vacillating between guilt and pride. The guilt of what he had done, and the loss of Falin, would cause him to neglect himself out of self-punishment. Then, when too thirsty to think clearly or feel remorse, he would revel in bloodshed until clarity came back. Rinse and repeat until he settled somewhere in the middle, and that's where his the events of his blog started soon after. At the time of the event, there was no one to help him through it. But he has since spoken about the event to several people who have helped him come to terms with the event and ultimately move past it in a healthy manner. And, Tortulja in particular, was once shown a vision of Dalamus killing Falin, so she knows best of all how the event went down and how Dalamus feels about it.

When Dalamus' marriage--his first official marriage and first real relationship after Falin--ended, it crushed him. He practically worshiped E'hla. He was despondent and inconsolable for months, frustrated and confused as to why it had happened (hint: it was largely his fault). He, again, hid himself away, somewhat selfishly. His daughter, Llaara, was old enough to take care of herself at that point, but this does not mean that she should have had to. He did not sleep often, for fear of nightmares, and neglected his needs, both physical and social.

Friends managed to pull him out of it by speaking with him, spending time with him, and doing recreational activities with him outside of the house to get some air. They helped him to see E'hla's perspective and pressed upon him the importance that he still needs to be available for his daughter, because he is not the only one affected. Thanks in part to this experience, his relationship with his current partner is healthier.

When Dalamus lost his vampirism to some greymage magic, I am not entirely sure it fits the definition of a breakdown, but it was significant enough I felt it necessary to mention.

Immediate panic, immediate fear, immediate vulnerability. Having spent 220 of his 250 years as a vampire, it was a large part of him that was suddenly gone. Muffled hearing, worse eyesight, worse sense of smell, no quick regeneration, his speed and agility and strength minimized. The way he interacted with the world was suddenly completely different, and the world itself had so many ways it could hurt or kill him now.

He became panicked and paranoid, jumpy and generally fearful of everyone and everything. He couldn't trust his senses, his body felt heavy and hot, even things like his balance were affected by all of his senses shifting. All he could do was back himself into a corner and try to stop the trembling. Gasping for breath was "new," as was the rapidly beating heart.

His partner sheltered him to help him feel safe, and cooked him meals now that he had working tastebuds and could enjoy solid foods. His friends helped remind him what it is like to be mortal, to help him discover what his limits are, and advise him against going beyond them.

And then, when his vampirism was returned, they helped him deal with the conflicting feelings of empowerment and loss.

[midnightsconspiracy]

Stages of Grief

Stages of Grief - @midnightsconspiracy

Summary: You’re there when Justin passes, and so you have to watch your husband go through the five stages as he grieves his son

Warnings: Death

Word Count: 1393

Requested: No

A/N: I’ve had this idea for ages but only finally got around to it!! :)

Masterlist

Loss is a funny thing really. Especially when the person is so young and healthy, that nobody could possibly prepare for their deaths. And that was what had happened in the case of Justin Voight. A man who had turned his life around entirely, a child and wife at home waiting for him and no longer in any sort of risky business, or so he said. But his actions had ultimately led to his death, leaving his usually emotionless father to grieve accordingly. It was not as if he was alone in this process though, as you remained by his side, watching as he went through the five stages of grief.

In the beginning, it was as though everything was normal, both of you going about your daily lives as usual. And that extended to your evenings as well, cuddled up on the sofa, watching the same programme you did each night. The only irregularity was his watchful eyes, ones that remained glued on his phone, scrambling to move every time it would light up. It made you sympathised with him greatly, knowing that the last remaining piece of Camille had been ripped from him so suddenly. But some part of his mind had convinced him this was a mistake, and although he'd requested his son's life support to be turned off and been there to witness also, that somehow it wasn't true. That the notifications from his phone were going to be from the hospital, informing him how Justin had made this miraculous turnaround and in fact not dead at all. This was just his way of coping was what you told yourself, knowing this allowed him to gradually come to grips with this huge loss. It was like the world around him had stopped, immune to the messages he was receiving from his loved ones, Justin was alive and he would come through the front door any moment now. And although a Hank without emotions was nothing uncommon for you, experiencing it most days, there was a part of you that just wanted to shake him, tell him Justin was gone and never coming back. But you couldn't bring yourself to do that, knowing you would have to allow him to process this properly, at his own pace, and not yours. Denial.

Once the realisation that his son was really gone, the old Hank, the one before you knew him, began showing. His unremorseful, overbearing anger welling up, expelling from every part of his being. And it wasn't as if it was just towards the man who had done this, or Justin himself for being involved in dangerous things. Anyone who crossed him the wrong way seemed to become a victim, and with you being in such close proximity, living together and all, received the brunt of it. What you had learned being with Hank for a number of years though, was that in reality it wasn't because he was actually angry, but instead masking whatever other emotions he had, and in this case it was sadness. That thought allowed you to be less mad at him, this was a part of the process after all. Once he'd taken out the man who had pulled the trigger though, things seemed to calm a little, the main object of his rage having been taken out. However, it didn't fully stop there, his fury now mainly focusing on his dead son, shouting up to the heavens that it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't involved himself in such illegal activities or listened to the advice his father had given him. That didn't mean it didn't extend to others though, spending countless minutes of your life watching him unnecessarily discipline people at work and destroy any photos of Justin that were littered around the house. So you just picked up the pieces, wanting to be a supportive wife for him. Anger.

Although Hank had never believed in a higher power, these newfound emotions bought him as close as he'd even been. Asking whoever could hear him to take away the grief that he felt in that very moment, wanting to be free of the pain he held. He just wanted some control back in his life, feeling as though any stability that he'd once possessed had been thrown out the window. That belief extending to yourself as well, and as much as you tried to support him, it was inevitable. The bubble he'd isolated himself inside, refusing to pop and let you in. At night you'd awake to him on the edge of the bed, whispering to himself, mulling over all the things he could have done better. What if he'd just called Justin to see if he was ok? Or if only he'd showed him a better example of being a good person! And as much as you tried, his mind was already set, the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' plaguing his mind. His thoughts so self-deprecating, that the blame solely rested on himself. That mindset not only hurt him mentally but also yourself, knowing nothing about it was his fault, he couldn't have done anything that would have stopped it from happening. Although you tried to tell him otherwise, it was set in stone for him, making you feel equally bad about yourself. As if you were a failure, that you could even do the simple task of helping your husband grieve. Bargaining.

Then the emotions came, deep routed sadness, that took over his whole being. The once vocal and loving man you knew, became a shell of himself, spending much of his time alone, only with his thoughts. It was as though you were living by yourself again, eating at separate times, never facing each other in bed or sleeping in separate ones entirely. And although you were sad from your son-in-law's death, this only intensified what you felt, as if you had lost two people you held dearly. You just told yourself this was natural though, you had expected this when you were first been informed of Justin's death. But these were raw, unfiltered emotions that broke your heart, watching as he went through it all by himself. Eventually, after numerous tries of getting through, he allowed you in, finally feeling as though you were useful. And despite your feelings, you continued to support him, holding him at night as he sobbed into your chest, crying to you whilst asking 'what am I without him?' Maybe in the long run it wouldn't be good repressing your own emotions, but your nature screamed at you to help him first, that you had promised during your wedding vows to always put him ahead of yourself. And at least he was expressing himself, just glad he wouldn't bottle this up, only to explode another day. Depression.

Finally, after some time, he reached the last stage, and although not completely feeling as though the weight had been taken off his chest, a part of him felt as though he would be ok. He now knew Justin was gone for good and no amount of pleading would bring him back, it was something he would just have to admit. His life felt as though it was going back to normal, and although there was still a part of him missing, he would continue to thrive not just for himself but for his son and late wife. He could now focus on other things as well, helping Olive and his grandson have a happy, healthy life, just the way he would want them to be. And you, you finally had your husband back. Although things weren't completely as they were before, you could accept that, just knowing the man you loved was no longer hurting and feeling the pain he did before. Every once in a while he would slip though, the emotions resurfacing as before, and so you just nursed him through it, loving him as best as you could. Putting up the broken photos, he allowed himself to look back on all the good memories noting 'how he was grateful for all the time that he had been granted with his son.' And for the first time, he realised that Justin wouldn't want him to dwell on this, instead create new memories with the people he still had on the earth with him. Acceptance.

----------

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[maruzzewrites]

How about #23 for Formaggio? If you’re still doing the yandere requests

23. “You’re so cute when you’re struggling.” 

Content warnings: yandere content, obsessive behavior, possessive behavior, kidnapping, Formaggio shrinking you, mentions of death/family loss (very minor), past abusive/controlling relationship.

The moment you caught glimpse of your ex-boyfriend’scareer, he was still low in the ranks of Passione. He had little job ofcarrying drugs or weapons around, he never got involved with gruesome acts ormurders; he tried to reassure you through the entirety of your furious outburst,about how it wasn’t a big deal, how he was only securing a place for the bothof you. He still had the nerve to crack a joke or two, even when you yelled athim and demanded to know if he ever thought about your past, how your fathergot killed by the mafia. When he told you he wasn’t the one who did it, youtore the bedroom’s door open and dumped all the things that you left at his placein a bag. He didn’t have the time to stop you, you were already steppingoutside.

You didn’t talk to him from a few months afterthat, careful to avoid him anytime you would see him from a distance or whenyou heard him call out for you in crowded streets. Eventually, you packed upyour belongings and went to Milan for a thrilling work opportunity, leavingbehind his excuses and clinginess. Your mother, after you left, called you afew nights during the week and she confided in you that Formaggio would often knockon her door, begging to talk to you or to know where you were. Her neighbor – a giant of a man, good as gold – would often step in,sending your ex running. You were growing worried, but she eventually relievedyou of your doubts when she confirmed he didn’t turn up at her door in weeks.

After some time, you forgot the bitter aftertasteof your break-up and of the relationship, picking up along the way all theunhealthy behaviors he would force on you. How he sat down right at your side,impossibly close, when you were talking on the phone. When he would drag you bythe hip and switch places with you when a friend of yours would get a bitcloser to talk. He never threw tantrums, always laid-back and easy-going, ajoke ready on his lips. But his banter would turn sour when someone he didn’tlike was talking to you, he would insinuate that you couldn’t keep your eyesoff other people while keeping a friendly tone. However, all that became a badmemory, the months passed and the holidays approached.

You decided to take two weeks off and returnhome, with the joyful air of dinners that last way too long and mornings inyour old bed before returning around the table to eat too much. You reconnectedand visited old friends, you walked around the streets that you left barely ayear before, but that brought you nostalgia for your city. You were so preoccupiedwith being immersed in memories, that you didn’t notice someone approach youand shout right in your ear, calling out your name. You jumped, stepping awayfrom the intrusive hand on your shoulder, and looked at the person rightbesides you. Your eyes widened at the sight of Formaggio. Or someone who youthought was Formaggio; he had his lineaments and his eyes, but he was waybulkier than you remembered and decided to shave his head, apparently.

“Hey,” you were very tentative in your approach,too close to him for your own comfort. But he acted his usual sunny way, with questionsabout your life and requests to hear what you were doing in your life. Any timeyou tried to inquire back about his personal life, he’d deflect with a brightsmile and more prying. He was interrupted in his questioning by the voice of a woman,followed by an arm snaking around his midsection and a glare sent your way bythe owner of said voice. She cooed at him to introduce the two of you, but youdidn’t even register her name as you observed her. With a mental grimace, younoticed how she looked vaguely like you, but maybe you were just being self-centered,so you shook her hand and tried to excuse yourself.

Formaggio, however, could be persuasive anddragged the both of you to lunch with the promise to pay for it all. You barelytouched anything, ordered very little, with the nagging distrust in hisintentions; owing him money or a favor sounded like a bad idea, you knew howclingy he could get. During the meal, his new girlfriend – as he told you,making you relax in your seat – was trying to show off their relationship. Yousnorted at her attempt to fish out cute, thoughtful compliments with littlecomments she’d made; she shot you a glare, starting to pose questions todemonstrate how well they knew each other. All the bitter resentment she wasthrowing at you was topped by a sugary sweet tone of voice, like she was tryingto mock you for her conquest. You resisted the urge to roll your eyes at herand sarcastically compliment yourself for the awful catch.

When she pressed him to talk about her favoritedish, he replied with yours; you’d just chalk it up to a coincidence until yousaw her confused look. She went on to ask her favorite singer, about their firstdate, their first vacation together; each time he’d answer with something relatingto you, persistent cheeky smile on his face, eyes on your face. His girlfriendwas growing increasingly irritated and suddenly she stood up, slamming herhands on wood, and walked away. He didn’t run after her.

He only leaned over, crossing his arms over the smoothsurface of the table, his muscles flexing intentionally despite the relaxed airaround him. As if you’d be bought by such a shameful, idiotic display ofsuperficiality. He murmured about how much he missed you, about how you brokehis heart when you walked away. He was adamant about declaring how that womanwas nothing to him, you could consider her dumbed and forgotten, he was allyours. You huffed in frustration and stoop up too.

“Continue to be a good boyfriend, I beg you.” Youunderlined your sarcasm with an eyeroll and exited the restaurant. When you putsome distance between you and the establishment, you felt strong arms grab youand drag you to the side, in an isolated alley. You heard Formaggio’s voicecall out for something – something about little feet? And you found yourself,in an instant, small and defenseless; his hand came down to grab you, squeezingyou with force yet tenderly.

“Babe, I couldn’t wait to hold you close again,”he used the tone reserved for particularly cruel jokes; you went to bite histhumb, archiving nothing but a full-blown laugh from him. You weren’t sure ifthis was a dream, but you were barely bigger than his palm, suddenly pressed intohis skin by the same thumb you attacked. The lightest force was enough to makeyou feel like your lungs were being crushed, compressed by your rib cage, andyou squirmed, scratched and screamed for him to let you go and leave you alone.

“You’re so cute when you’re struggling.” He broughtyou at face level, leaving a smothering kiss on your body – was that even akiss, when you were so tiny? With you still protesting and screaming your headoff, he threw you inside the inner pocket of his jacket and started to walk,whistling merrily.      

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 65

I am so, so sorry for getting this out so late in the day.  I know this should have gone up almost eight hours ago. Entirely too much has been going on.

Thank you for bearing with.

“Final systems check,” Grey announced, glancing briefly over from the display and nodding at me.

Noah waved its left liw and vomu in a very human gesture, albeit in multiple. “Proper recordings of every Terran scientific paper in our database are prepared to be communicated directly into your translation implant.”

“He means audio,” I stage-whispered to Conor and Maverick.  Tyche had marched out and read them the riot act after she and I cleared the air.  Their abashed apologies once she dragged them back were still under consideration, but I felt safer with them in the room.

I was also a bit loopy on the sedatives they had given me for my blood pressure. So sue me.

Rolling her eyes, my sister turned to Antoine. “And the connection?”

“Strong and clear,” he confirmed.

Maverick cleared his throat to get our attention. “If we can stream all this information directly into her implant, why aren’t we using this for learning?”

Antoine leveled a half-scathing glare – I couldn’t tell if I was more impressed he mustered any degree of ‘scathing’ or that he was tired enough to let it slip through – before explaining. “Any information retention will be trivial at best, and that would be largely because of Sophia’s exceptional memory. She is still essentially hearing several lectures in a row and repeating them back as soon as she hears it.”

Poor Maverick looked devastated.  Unfortunately, his pout was almost comical, and it took every bit of what little self-control I had left to keep from laughing.

It seemed I wasn’t doing as good a job as I thought, because Tyche turned away with a growl, hands flung in the air. “Okay, papers are queued up, connection to the implant is good. Did we get the medication figured out?”

“Confirmed,” Grey asserted without looking up. “Sophia, you will be in REM sleep, but still lucid.  This should let you control the dream and speak to Else.”

“So I’ll be hypnotized.”

Grey scoffed, but Antoine cut them off. “We discussed this, Dr. Hodenson. While you may not believe in hypnosis, it is a proven phenomenon.  While difficult to accomplish deliberately, I have witnessed Sophia subject to this mental state.”

“Wait, what?” My neck hurt from turning so fast to look at him.

“When you read. When you cook. When you wrap presents,” he ticked off on his fingers.

“I’m not hypnotized, I’m in the zone,” I argued.

Tyche rolled her neck and cocked an eyebrow at me. “That is literally hypnosis, specifically when you read.  I remember seeing you sit in a house with no heat, in January, in shorts and a t-shirt, sweating bullets while reading a book that ended up taking place in Mumbai in summer.  You get cravings for whatever foods your favorite characters are eating, even if you hate the food.”

“That’s not hypnosis, that’s suggestion,” Grey stated flatly.

“And hypnosis is the induction of a state of consciousness that makes you particularly susceptible to suggestion,” Antoine pointed out, equally flat.  With these two, it was practically a shouting match.

Heading off the galaxy’s calmest blow out, I spoke up. “So, creation’s most boring audiobooks, check. Overkill-quality headphones, check. Deep-fake VR drugs, check.” I pointed at myself with both thumbs, “Stoned and willing guinea pig, double check. Let’s get this done.”

Two hours into spouting off what seemed to be hematological extracts, I was considerably less stoned and significantly less willing.

“A low packed cells volume usually indicablood loss due to cell destruction or failure in bone marrow production, while high mean corpuscular hemoglobin concentrations – “

Please. Stop.

“Oh thank fuck,” I gasped, allowing myself to tune out the stream of information piped directly into my head. “Else, is that you?”

Yes, I am here.

“Well, at least it worked… you’re talking quite a bit better now.” I glanced around at the landscape.  While focusing on reciting two hours of scientific papers, I had to ignore it all.  Since the last time I was here, I managed to figure out that the Ark in my dreams was an analogue of my health, from Else’s perspective.  Right now, everything looked okay.  The walls were cracked, but all the pieces were in place. No water. All the lights were functioning. “Also, good to see I’m not dying.”

We wouldn’t let you die.  We need you.

“Not all of me,” I pointed out to thin air.

Your hemoglobin, Else’s voice admitted.

I nodded. “That sounds more accurate.  You eat iron, right?”

Yes. And there is so much here.

“That sounds sinister,” I mused.  Since Else has been able to read my thoughts in the past, I made a point in the dream to speak out loud. It was more for me than the bacteria, since literally all of this interaction was happening in my head anyway. “Is that why you are on the ship.”

I didn’t ask to be here. Humans brought me here.

“The same humans you’re eating. Were you in the core samples we gathered?”

No. I came later.

“But that is the only time we have taken anything on board since we left Earth.” This wasn’t making sense.

I am from the Ark.

“Else, you aren’t making sense,” I took a deep breath. I imagined taking a deep breath. Something.  I was definitely getting a very real headache. “If you only came after the core samples, but you come from the Ark, how does that work?  Are you another alien race? What planet are you from?”

I am from the Ark.

“I mean what planet – “

No planet. I am from the Ark.

“Wait, what? You mean… Life on Earth evolved from the primordial soup that existed after Earth formed. From… amino acids, then proteins…”

From the oceans, to be simple.

“Right, from the oceans.” I mused. “But we’re in space, with all the radiation you could want, plus exotic trace minerals that may be in those core samples, and a big god-damned – “

Language, Else admonished.

“Oh, now you have a sense of humor,” I huffed. “We have a big lake with all kinds of biological experiments going on in BioLab 2. Is that where you come from?”

Not just the water. Experiments, too.

“Fuck.”

None of that.

“So we made you.”

Yes.

My knees spiked in agony as I hit the deck below my feet. “It was an accident,” I begged in a hoarse whisper. “All the shitty things we have done to ourselves and each other, please tell me it was an accident.”

Did you know if you were an accident before you were told by your parent?

“That is such a low blow,” I scowled. “You and Tyche are the only ones who know that.”

But fair.

“Unfortunately.” I huffed an imaginary lock of hair that just appeared in my face for the sole purpose of doing so. “I am going to assume this was an accident.”

Ouch.

Indulgently, I stomped around, fists clenched, growling the entire time. “I am negotiating with a sentient colony of bacteria, one that humanity made, somehow, and now you have hurt feelings!?” I was screaming by the end of it, and a distant part of my brain registered a chilled sensation in my arm. “Stop sedating me, I’m pissed!” Breathing heavily, I tried to calm down. “I get that it’s insulting, Else, but trust me, you do not want humanity to have made you deliberately.  If that was the case, your only actual function is to kill people and destroy buildings.”

I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to live.

“As a former intended entrée, I can sympathize. But you are killing us, Else.” Hot tears filled my eyes. “I’m okay so far, but that is only because Miys is constantly infusing me with freshly made, iron-rich blood. What happens when we’re out of resources? Or reach our destination?”

Nutrient rich plants, engineered to grow on the new planet.

“Conor,” I gasped, covering my mouth as the tears I was trying so hard to hold back fell down my face. “The catnip he gave Tyche. He said it was a failed experiment.”

He does not know he created us. The gift was in good will.

“Is that how you infected her?”

No. She likes to swim. And she loves you.

“Difference between intelligence and sentience: that was exactly the wrong thing to say,” I hissed. “The only body you have are the ones you stole from my family and the crew, so I can’t actually hurt you. But I am this close,” I held my fingers so they were barely not touching, “to having Miys filter you out of our blood and flush you into space.  The only reason I am here talking to you is because we knew you were sentient before we realized you were killing us.” Another deep breath. “Try. Again.”

She was infected when she went swimming. It was not intentional. We needed iron.

“Much better.”

We did not mean for the mermaid to be injured so. There was so much iron in her blood. I did not know that taking it away would harm her.

“You harmed us all!” I screamed. “All of us!  You made Grey absent-minded and forgetful. You undermined their confidence. You made Conor, Grey, and Antoine angry,” I spat. “The biggest betrayal of all. Three of the calmest, most reasonable people I know, the ones who would have rooted for you, and you took that away from them!”

I –

“Conor and Grey made you!”

Did not know. Not then. But I-we know that now. And we are sorry.

”Are you? Or are you pleading for your life?”

I-we want to live.

“That I believe.”

But we want you to live, even if we are not within you.

“How the fuck do you think we do that? Humans are the only source of iron on the ship.”

I-we am-are bacteria. I-we can be isolated.

“And then, what? Leave you on some poor planet to kill some other species? I hate to tell you, but you went from birth to genocide in alarming fashion. All of humanity that is left, is on this ship, and you are killing what’s left. From what we understand, the Galactic Council would frown on what you’re doing.” I focused on sending the information I had gotten back to Miys and everyone listening in. “I can’t let you do this to another species.”

Barren planet. Old one, where no more life will survive.

“One that is at the end of its life cycle?”

I-we do not believe I-we am-are vulnerable to heat.

I waited patiently for information before I responded. “Miys says we can isolate you and test for you heat resistance before booting you off in a nebula that you can’t fuck up. Is that sufficient?”

Humans cannot live in a nebula.

“We can’t live in a pylon either, but you ate it all the way through.”

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[wahtdahel-blog]

Why Women Have Higher Rates of PTSD Than Men Sexual trauma is particularly toxic to mental health.

The topic of women and sexual trauma has certainly been in the news lately, provoking a great deal of emotion and outrage. Much trauma research focuses on male combat veterans, yet women actually have double the rate of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as men! While combat veterans have high rates of PTSD and suicide and deserve our attention, so do women sexual assault and abuse survivors.  This article will review the symptoms of PTSD, its prevalence in women and men and factors that may contribute to sex differences in PTSD risk, including the types of traumas that women experience, differences in brain processing, coping, and societal reactions.

What are the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder?

To be diagnosed with PTSD, a survivor needs to have the following symptoms present for at least 1 month and severe enough to interfere with day to day functioning:

Re-experiencing symptoms. These involve reacting as if the trauma is still present, including having nightmares, flashbacks, or frightening thoughts (1 needed)

Avoidance symptoms. These are attempts to avoid being reminded of the trauma, such as staying away from people, places, or things that are similar to aspects of the trauma, or avoiding and shutting out thoughts and feelings related to the trauma (1 needed)

Arousal and reactivity symptoms. These are signs of excess anxiety or anger and physiological arousal, including having angry outbursts, feeling “on edge,” being hyper-vigilant for threat, or having difficulty sleeping (2 needed)

Cognition and mood symptoms. These are negative thoughts, feelings, or judgments relating to the event or memory impairments and include feeling excessive guilt, blaming yourself unreasonably, having difficulty remembering aspects of the event, seeing yourself or the world negatively, or not finding interest or pleasure in regular activities (2 needed).

It is normal to experience some of these symptoms right after an event like a rape or a serious  car accident, but if symptoms last for more than a month then you may have PTSD and should seek mental health evaluation and treatment. Sometimes PTSD symptoms can be triggered months or years after the actual event.

What are the rates of PTSD in women and men?

The lifetime prevalence of PTSD is 5-6% in men and 10-12% in women.   This means that women have almost double the rate of PTSD as men. Women’s PTSD also tends to last longer (4 years versus 1 year on average). Women are more at risk for chronic PTSD than men. What factors could account for this difference?

Do women experience more traumas than men?

One suggestion for the higher rate of PTSD is that women experience more traumatic events than men. In fact research shows the opposite is true. Women report about a third less traumas than men. This means women are at higher risk of PTSD  even though they experience fewer traumatic life events than men on average. This is surprising and suggests there may be something about the type of trauma or women's reactivity that puts them at higher risk.

Do types of trauma differ between women and men?

Research shows that men and women do indeed experience different traumas.

Men are more likely to experience:

combat trauma

accidents

natural disasters

disasters caused by humans.

Women experience more incidents of:

sexual abuse

domestic violence

sexual assault

Sexual traumas are prevalent and particularly toxic to mental health!  Sexual abuse typically begins at a young age, when the brain is still growing, leading to a lasting impact on emotion regulation and fear response.  About one out of every 6 women has experienced attempted or completed sexual assault or rape in her lifetime. Victims of sexual trauma are more likely to be diagnosed with PTSD than victims of nonsexual trauma. While you might be able to stay away from combat, there is a psychological and relationship cost to staying away from sexual activity or being a reluctant participant (in the context of a committed relationship).

The #metoo movement has highlighted the fact that women in many different career settings experience high rates of ongoing sexual harassment by bosses and colleagues. These experiences of exploitation, besides acting as chronic stressors, may trigger emotions associated with past trauma in women who have been raped and abused. Similarly, events in the news, especially those involving unfair treatment or sexual exploitation of women can trigger strong reactions in the many women who have experienced sexual abuse or assault.

What makes sexual trauma so traumatic?

When I see survivors of sexual trauma in my practice, they often exhibit high levels of fear and vigilance, shame, and self-blame.  Sexual traumas carry a stigma and make women feel ashamed even when there is no valid reason to feel this way. Lawyers representing perpetrators often attack the victim's character, lifestyle, and reputation in attempts to get their clients acquitted. Many women who have been traumatized turn to alcohol or drugs to block out feelings associated with the trauma and thereby make themselves vulnerable to further sexual exploitation or coercion. They may report body hatred or dissatisfaction or exhibit eating disorders. Many victims of sexual trauma have trust issues, which can get in the way of healthy relationships as an adult. Some may isolate themselves or become avoidant of romantic relationships.

Women abused as children or teens report feeling too scared or ashamed to tell an adult. Some are not believed or told to “get over it.’  It is difficult to describe the level of violation and loss of sense of a healthy self that sexual abuse and sexual assault can cause to women and men. This is compounded when our society responds with dismissal, minimization, or disbelief.

What other factors might account for the different rates of PTSD?

Women are more susceptible than men to other types of mental health issues like anxiety disorders or depression. These may be the result of sexual assault or abuse, but can also be caused by other factors like genetic vulnerability to depression or high anxious temperament.  However, societal attitudes, gender roles, and income inequalities also affect mental health and mood. Women earn less than men for the same jobs. Many women work in jobs or live in households where they have less power and control over their lives than men. This is especially the case in traditional cultures. Professor Norris and her colleagues studied gender differences in PTSD across cultures and found that the increased risk of PTSD symptoms  in women was magnified in more traditional cultures.

Do men and women have different brain responses to trauma?

Although more research needs to be done, it is possible that women’s brains react differently to fear-arousing or threatening stimuli than men’s brains. In experimental studies, women showed more activation of the right amygdala, right rostral anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and dorsal ACC than men when they were exposed to fearful stimuli.  The right side of the brain is associated with emotionality in general and negative emotions in particular. These same brain areas are involved in the stress response and also in mind-body awareness and emotional reactivity. Another study using physiological measures showed that women acquired fear more easily than men when exposed to fearful stimuli.

Do men and women cope with stress differently?

Men and women may cope differently with stress. There is some evidence that women are more likely than men to exhibit a “tend and befriend” response to stress. They may react to stress by crying for help, turning to others for social support, or care-taking. Men show more angry and avoidant or problem-solving responses when they are stressed. Because women’s responses are more linked to their social network and availability of support, they may be more vulnerable to PTSD symptoms when they feel lonely or rejected or when social support is not available.

Women tend to show more of an emotional and ruminative response to stress, whereas men are more likely to engage in problem-solving. Ruminating about your stressors can make their impact worse if it stops you from taking action, or if the situation is not controllable. In general, women seem to report stronger emotional reactions to major life events (like death or divorce). Women are also more affected by stressors impacting people close to them, like their parents, friends, partners or children. These coping factors may contribute to women’s higher rate of PTSD, but more research needs to be done. Women who have been raped or sexually assaulted are also likely to blame themselves more and see themselves more negatively, which can exacerbate their reactions to the trauma.

Summary

Research shows that women have higher rates of PTSD than men despite a lower rate of trauma experience. Women’s greater exposure to sexual trauma, sexual coercion, and intimate partner violence plays a role, as well as biological, environmental, and coping factors. When families, social groups, government bodies, news media, or organizations disbelieve, disrespect, or minimize girls' and women's experiences of sexual trauma, this can cause a great deal of harm to mental health.

[joshuhill-blog]

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[scripttorture]

(1) i'm writing a story about a kid (under 13, havent decided exactly how young), who undergoes a horrible though mostly unintended period of psychological torture, set in northern Russia in the 13th-14th century. They're the youngest child of the local Lord, and their town gets invaded. Once the dust has settled, their family is brought up on a stage and all the commoners and servants are made to watch in silence as the family is tortured via slow dismemberment, then killed.

(2) The child is basically in a position where they have to serve the people that did this and maintain their disguise, or they will have the same done to them. At one point they are accused of theft and are given the punishment of that time and place- cutting off a finger. Beyond that there's no direct, intentional physical harm done to them. After several years, the invading force leaves and it becomes safe for the surviving child to come out of hiding.(3) What sort of effects could i expect them to have after the torture and trauma? Currently I have them as being so afraid of speaking giving away their identity that they've gotten selective muteness, and once it becomes safe to come out of hiding giving up their former title due to fear of becoming a target. I'm looking for stuff both during the ongoing trauma and afterwards, and i want to do it justice!

Thisall sounds possible.

Idon’t know anything about Russia during that period so I can’tcomment on whether these particular attacks fit the place and period.

Ialso don’t know much about childhood development. The majority ofthe accounts I have are from adults. And while the same symptomseffect children and adults the expression of those symptoms can bedifferent.

ScriptTraumaSurvivorshas a post here on age appropriate expression of trauma symptoms.

GenerallyI tend to stress that witnessing traumatic events doesn’t alwayscause trauma symptoms, but given all the other circumstancessurrounding this I think you’re right, it’s highly likely thischaracter would be extremely traumatised. They’ve lost theirfamily, witnessed horrible things and lived for years in a constantstate of fear and threat. Long term psychological effects areextremely likely.

I’dsuggest you don’t refer to that as psychological torture becausewell- that’s a phrase a lot of torture apologists tend to use torefer to things like starvation, sleep deprivation and stresspositions, which leave no obvious external scars but do cause a lotof physical damage. It’s a phrase that tends to get used to dismissor belittle physical tortures by implying they’re ‘only’psychological.

Iunderstand why that’s the phrase you reached for here though and Idon’t think you’re downplaying what the character goes through.Just- be aware of how that phrase is often used.

Iget asked about muteness or refusing to talk sporadically. Thereisn’t really a way to purposefully inflict it and from everythingI’ve read it seems to be a rare symptom. But you do occasionallyget survivors who stop talking for a period of time. And the wayyou’re describing this it seems as though you’re treating hisrefusal to talk is part of an underlying set of symptoms rather thanthe symptom itself. Which I think works.

I’malso getting the impression that you approach writing symptoms quitedifferently to the way I do. There’s absolutely nothing wrong withthat: we all have different ways of writing and I honestly think themost unhelpful writing advice is the sort which sets out to changehow someone writes.

Rightnow you’ve got a set of behaviours but not necessarily an explicitset of symptoms.

Nowyou don’t necessarily needto come up with an explicit set of symptoms to do this justice, butit might help guide you through how the character’s mental healthproblems change with time.

Atthe moment it sounds as though the main mental illness you’reportraying is anxiety (though you could possibly also write whatyou’re describing as hypervigilance or depression). That in turn isleading to social isolation as the character avoids or cuts himselfoff from other people.

Ithink that’s a pretty good starting point. The symptoms have beentied to both the character and each other in a way that feelsnatural.

Myinstinct is that given everything going on here another underlyingmental health problem might be a good idea. Given the character’sage, the setting and the other symptoms I think insomnia, learningdifficulties or memory problems could all work well.

Insomniaexacerbates pre-existing mental health problems and you could usenightmares as a way of tying this to the other symptoms.

Learningdifficulties would probably be a little more subtle as they might bedismissed as inexperience or a product of the character’s age butthat subtlety could also make them easy to work into the story. Theother symptoms clearly establish that the character hasserious long term symptoms and that means you have space to includeless ‘obvious’ ones.

Irecommend memory problems pretty often because they’re incrediblycommon in real life but rarely depicted well in fiction. They’realso often not acknowledged in the real world, despite having amassive impact on survivors’ lives.

I’vegot a Masterpost on the most common types and how they work here.

Giventhe story you’re telling I don’t think memory loss orinaccurate/false memories would be a good fit.

Butforgetfulness might well be: the character could easily use that asanother ‘reason’ why he ‘has’ to step down, believing himselfto be incapable or unsuitable. Intrusive memories could also be avery good fit and could feed in to his other symptoms. Writing wisethere’s the ‘danger’ of including too many flash backs toparticular awful moments, robbing these moments of their power. Butthis can be overcome quite easily by stressing the feelings thememory evokes rather than the details of the moment in itself.

Loopingback to the main part of the question- The ‘right’ way to handleany of this going forward is going to depend on the story.

Whilethe character is still in danger there may well be worse moments andbetter moments but he’s not going to make any real progress towardshealing while he’s still effectively a prisoner. This doesn’tnecessarily mean his symptoms will be constantly getting worse. Itwould be perfectly normal for them to reach a point and plateau.

Recoveryafterwards isn’t something survivors do in isolation. He’d need asupport network which he currently doesn’t seem to have. That couldmean that part of his recovery process is buildingtrusting and healthy relationships with others.

Giventhe time period and place the church could play quite a large role inhis recovery. Priests, monks, nuns (and anchoresses but I’m unsureif Russia had them) all played roles in communal mental health. NowI’m sure the quality of this help varied widely from place to placeand person to person but there’s nothing wrong with you choosingthat your character has access to better quality help.

Hislack of support network means that recovery would take longer andthere’d probably be a period where he’s at quite high risk ofharm. That doesn’t necessarily mean attack by others or self harm.Severe mental illnesses can make it difficult for a person to takecare of themselves.

Forinstance he might have days when he’d rather go hungry or cold thengo out among other people and get food or firewood. That’s the kindof time when having a support network is a huge material help.Linking back to the church idea I think it could be plausible to havelocal religious figures attempt to help in this kind of practicalway, leaving food or firewood. Other characters close to the survivorcould also fill this kind of role.

Recoveryis slow and it is rarely linear. Even if someone is generally gettingbetter they can still have incredibly bad days or weeks.

Andas people recover they often find that aspects of their mentalillness seem to change. For instance if someone has severe depressionit’s not uncommon for them to start feeling more anxious/overemotional as the depression eases.

That’spart of why I think trying to figure out the underlying illnessbehind these behaviours is helpful. It can give you an idea of how tohave those behaviours change in ways that are organic and realistic.

Goingwith the idea that the character’s major illness is anxiety- Thephysical symptoms can include shaking, nausea, heart palpitations,chest pain and generally feeling like you’re having an adrenalinerush most of the time.

Somepeople have speech difficulties when they’re having an anxietyattack. That can include difficulty taking in what people are sayingand difficulty communicating clearly (though it doesn’t stopspeech). Things like repeating the same short answer a couple oftimes. Sometimes it means giving a reflexive ‘answer that will getrid of the person’ rather than an accurate answer.

Anxietycan drive people to withdraw from others, especially if their anxietyis triggered by others. Things like stepping away from people duringconversation and struggling with crowds or confined spaces canhappen.

Itcan also be difficult to sleep, which in turn makes other symptomsworse.

Depressioncan make people feel tired all the time, while also making itdifficult to fall asleep or sleep well. It can make eating difficult.It tends to mute sensation and can leave people feeling numb.

Itcan get in the way of positive interaction with other people indifferent ways. One of the things I hear people describing most oftenis difficulty engaging. When all of someone’s emotional energy isgoing on holding themselves together sparing some for other people isincredibly difficult.

Ihave a post about solitary confinement that may help you get a graspon the effects of isolation. Keep in mind that solitaryconfinement is much more extreme then the vast majority of cases ofsocial isolation. The effects on your character probably wouldn’tbe this bad. But it could help give you an idea of the way this kindof isolation effects people and how it feels.

Itend to approach recovery quite organically. For me it’s anextension of both the character and their symptoms- the logicalconclusion of the situation the story posits. But that’s because Itend to write symptoms in a way that’s very rooted in the characterand I tend to write very instinctually.

Ifyou’ve got a more analytical approach then breaking symptoms downmight help.

Onceyou know what conditions the character has (rather than just thebehaviours) you can start to tie those behaviours to particularaspects of his mental illnesses. That in turn helps you figure outhow he might recover.

Let’stake his difficulty speaking for a moment and assume that the rootcause of that is anxiety. He probably knows that ‘fear’ is thecause of this. He probably feels less afraid on a daily basis afterthe invading force leaves. And that could lead to him finding it alittle easier to speak again.

Buthe might not understand why he keeps getting chest pains. Or why hefeels ‘afraid’ when in a crowd of people he knows are ‘harmless’.

Ifhe, and everyone else, focused on the biggested most obviousbehavioural problems he had then there’s likely a lot of thingsthat slipped under the radar. That were too small to comment on atthe time or that everyone assumed would stop when the invaders left.This can be a pretty effective way to approach how symptoms canchange and how it can catch a character off guard.

Anotherapproach is thinking about what a character currently can’tdo and when in the story they needto do that particular thing. Then think about what needs to change,environmentally or emotionally, for the character to be capable ofthat action.

Sometimesyou can only really get them half-way there and then find yourselfputting together a creative work-around. That’s OK. That can add toa story and be an interesting break from typical tropes.

Recoveryis a slow process of learning to deal with symptoms in healthierways. And incidentally virtually every mentally ill person I’veknown has had moments of expressing things like ‘But I should beover this’ ‘But I should be able to deal with this’ ‘But Ishould be better by now’.

Fromthe sounds of things you’ve put a lot of thought into both thecharacter and that process already. You are doing a good job. Keep atit and I think you’ll have an excellent story.

Ihope this helps. :)

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five times caught

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one.  it’s day three when they make their way to the unassuming church outside falls end. while the white siding and flowers lining the path seem idyllic, there’s nothing quaint about the ARs wielded by unshaved, blown-pupil enforcers or the hollow looks of the people corralled by them into the pews. james and wrench— reginald— are directed near the back, settling partially in the shadow of a support beam.

james linger on each of the seeds in turn, stripping away layers of defense mechanisms and self-portraits in facades like paint remover on inherited living room walls. beige to white to blue to beige to gray.

their eyes lock. john’s brow peaks like the crescendo of those cheesy propaganda songs over the radio and james knows in an instant that there’s nothing but pure lunacy behind that gaze. john looks at the newcomer tucked in the shadow of a back pew not as a human being, but as a toy, pupils pinpricks in a sea of mad ice. he doesn’t budge. can’t. the icy blue carves right down into his stomach and suddenly he feels like a bug in a web— it sees through him exactly as james sees through everyone else, and pulls a creeping unease up his spine like james hasn’t felt in years.

that’s the moment james realizes their two month estimate was naively optimistic. because the people staring at them from the church altar aren’t people, but tools, machined down and rebuilt for a very specific purpose: control.

joseph gestures in the way a dog owner might signal for his pet’s attention. in an instant john’s attention snaps back over, jovial, obedient, and bright; and wherever john’s gaze falls across the room, he brings that brightness with him. but the eyes that meet james’ are cold. always cold, like the true nature of the sadist is hidden in lenticular print and only perceptible from the correct angle.

wrench is livid when they leave. james tells him that they’ll give the seeds what’s coming to them, they’ve survived militaries and mafias, a backwater cult is small time work. but for all his reassurance, his mind remains stubbornly stuck on that distorted period of time when he was trapped under john’s gaze, caught in the swirling, mad blue.

two.  they’re in falls end when it happens.

the thing about being shot is, unless you’re looking at the gun, it’s hard to understand you’ve been shot. it’s all white-hot tightness like a body cramp isolated to the tip of a pin inside his shoulder, and a force that makes him stumble backwards until his back hits the brick wall of the spread eagle.

his first thought is, shit.

his second thought is, help.

but somewhere between the gut-punch of panic and fast-acting bliss and the pain blooming across his shoulder the noise is mangled to little more than a tight gasp, not audible to dedsec sitting less than a foot away from him through bricks and wood and the low thrum of bar music.

james hits the concrete and the last thing he remembers is how the bliss makes the headlights that roll up to him dance like fireworks.

he thinks, that’s nice.

three.  once, after far too many bottles of sake, he had drunkenly made a bet with wo fat about dying in a concrete hole just like the one he’s in now. and it’s that bet, not his desire to live, or even the images of revenge james plays in his mind on repeat to stave off the pain that drives him to escape. he can get shot as soon as he hits daylight inside the compound and keel over dead and that would be fine. but his ego won't— can't— permit him to lose a bet.

a thought enters his mind about when his ego started permitting him to talk like his death was an inevitability, but john takes those pliers to his hand again and yanks off nail six of ten, and the pain obliterates everything that isn’t the reverberation of his shout against the walls.

the next time he’s awake, john is gone. there’s a hole in his memory and a pounding in his skull that feels like dehydration and blood loss and a migraine all at once, and he wonders for a moment if this is what a segfault feels like. cracking both eyes open leads to the realization that he can only crack one eye open, the other sealed shut by the accumulation of dried blood from the cut on his scalp. he must have gotten that on the way in, when he hit the concrete outside the spread eagle. john hasn’t touched his face beyond the condescending, sugar-sweet crowing like a fawning relative, and one snap of his teeth in the flesh of john’s hand had assured he’s careful about that in the future.

james pretends the taste of blood in his mouth is from the crescent moons he bit into john’s fingers. it’s easier to stomach that way.

his escape is convoluted, painful, and takes far too long for james’ liking. his body is align with the buzz of fear under his skin, jumping at every noise and shift of the light like a feral cat backed into a corner. his hands and arms prickle with painful tv static as he regains their use, making quick work of the door and slipping quietly, not bursting, not throwing the door open, out into the sunlight. he takes a moment to gawk at the sun, like he’s forgotten what it looks and feels like.

james makes it ten steps out of the compound before the butt of a rifle makes fireworks explode behind his eyes.

caught.

four.  “I’m disappointed in you, james.”

james imagines twenty-seven inches of wooden bat crack across john’s skull.  

“I’m just trying to get you to atone,” he implores, hands clutched close to his chest like he’s trying to keep all that overwhelming love and affection inside, and not the insane ramblings of a madman too addled by drugs and his brother’s goddamn ego to keep all that bullshit locked up in his head. it holds exactly zero weight considering one of those hands clutches a knife dyed deep red with james’ blood. “you come into our home— our home! outsiders! and you bring your weapons, and your fancy toys, and you mock!”

the next words are punctuated with the knife slicing deep, crooked lines into james’ ribs. he can already see two Ps, and john draws a line down to turn the second to an R.

“our! mission! you slaughter our lambs, our family, and you brag about it. but I will tell you something, james. not even you are beyond redemption. even you, you sinful, obstinate monster of a man can be—”

“eat shit.”

not his most original, but he’s running on indignation and rage and the fact that he can summon his voice at all is nothing short of miraculous.

john sighs. james is mentally preparing himself for the rest of his banal speech when john takes the knife and buries it deep in his arm. the wound forms the I of PRIDE.

he wonders how much longer he can scream until his voice fizzles out for good.

“is this what you want?”  john’s shouting now, holy hellfire, twisting the knife deep until it brushes bone and james jerks helpless against the restraints. his traitorous brain screams at him along every nerve along his arm, demanding to pull away until his wrists are raw and bloodied against the ropes that bind him. and john digs and twists, sneering threats like a dog foaming at the mouth, until some part of james caves and pleads,

“wait!”

he hears a voice inside him sneer, weak.

john stops with a grin. finally. progress.

“ready to say yes, brother?”

james visualizes plucking all thirty-two teeth of john’s sharklike smile out of his jaw, but doesn’t speak a word. doesn’t trust what might come out of his mouth if he tried.

john tuts.

“then the atonement shall continue!”

five.  they don’t catch john. deacon does, chases him in nick’s plane and forces him to the ground and throws him in a cell. there to wait out the war in hope county, james supposes, rotting in a concrete box until he can get before a real judge. given who john seed is, james severely doubts the justice system will be particularly harsh with his punishment.

and what does dedsec do, if not mete out punishment to those that the system will not?

nobody’s sure who kills john. nobody buys the line about suicide, that’s for sure; but not even james is in any position to do it, body broken in so many places he can’t even stand without assistance. it hardly matters— deacon looks at him like he’s caught james with the rope used to strangle john himself, disappointment and defeat and an acute helplessness all rolled up into one.

maybe it’s better that way.

[thisismycleverhandle]

Depression’s Many Faces

It’s a liar and a thief. It’s the feeling that the sun will never shine again. It’s a guilty comfort because “at least things can’t get any worse.” It’s the debilitating fear that they still may. It steals your motivation and trash talks you. It is something different to everyone. It’s depression and more than 8% of Americans, and 300 million people globally, are affected by this disease. Despite how you may feel in your depressed state, you are not alone in your journey towards successfully managing depression. One in four Americans experience some form of mental illness and a larger percentage reports chronic stress, a precursor to more serious symptoms of a greater illness. It is recorded that females are twice as likely to experience depression than males, but there are also studies that make an important distinction in this data. Men are less likely to report feelings of depression due to relevant social constructs and toxic masculinity, at present.

Depression can be hereditary, and can manifest as physical symptoms like fatigue, low sex drive, headache, upset stomach, and tense muscles. In addition, you may experience any one or more emotional symptoms as follows:

Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities

Excessive crying

Debilitating sadness

Hopelessness

Lack of motivation

Poor self-image

Decrease appetite

Excessive eating

Insomnia

Over sleeping

Anxiety. Depression is often accompanied by other mental disease.

In extreme cases suicidal ideation or actions become present; Pay close attention if a loved one begins giving their things away. If you recognize any of these symptoms in yourself or a loved one seek professional help immediately.

If you experience any of these symptoms for a consecutive and prolonged period, speak to your doctor.

How can I manage my depression?

Firstly, visit your doctor. Be honest about everything you’re thinking and feeling. To better convey this, keep a mood journal. Secondly, seek therapy. I’ve yet to encounter a person that would not benefit from a trained, non bias individual to speak with.

Medication is often prescribed to help manage depression. Contrary to stigma there is tremendous courage in making your health a priority. The depressed brain not only behaves but appears differently than a neurotypical brain, so we know how we treat our brain and body have a direct affect on our mental health.

There are also things we can do at home to help ourselves. For example, a healthy diet is crucial. Our bodies require several small, well balanced meals throughout the day to function properly. Some depressive episodes can be cause by lack of vitamins found in high protein, plant based sources or a deficiency in vitamin D. Regardless of illness, all bodies require certain fundamental nutrients. It is also essential to take a fish oil and B-12 supplement.

Exercise is shown to boost mood and balance brain chemistry. A great deal of exertion is not required to feel the benefits of exercise. A fifteen minute walk will improve the mood dramatically.

Everyone should have an emotional toolbox. It can be as literal, a box of things that make you feel good, and as figurative, emotional tools to cope, as you would like. Some essential tools that I have learned in treatment are these:

Routine. Be sure to have functions you perform despite mood, like grooming, eating, and talking to a loved one. As you’re able, expand that list to include cleaning your space, engaging in happy activities, and gainful employment.

Reduce the use of electronics first thing in the morning.

Meditate. This can mean simply sitting quietly while taking 30 deep breaths before you begin your morning routine.

Mirror therapy. Write encouraging sayings, phrases, and kind words about yourself on the mirror in dry erase marker so they are the first things you read in the morning.

Find your center. Depression can cause you to want to isolate yourself. Not only is this unhealthy it is not usually possible to withdraw from your obligations. When you feel overwhelmed with depressive dread a helpful exercise is to have a seat. Sit up straight. Place your hands on your knees and imagine your favorite place. Gently tap your knees. As you feel your hands on your knees and your feet on the ground picture the way that place looks, sounds, and smells. Learn to associate the light tapping with the feeling that safe space evokes and do this whenever you need comfort.

Journal. Keep a journal of your sleep cycles, mood, and hopes for the day in a small book that you can easily take on the go. Record the date and time and return to this book periodically throughout the day to note any changes you’re feeling. Try and notice a pattern. In another journal scribe all of your goals, hopes, dreams, and your favorite memories from each day. Begin every morning by writing three things you are grateful for in this book.

These are just a few things you can do to successfully thrive. Do your research and speak to your therapist to discover more techniques that work for you.

What can I do to help a loved one affected by depression?

Just listen. It is not necessary to have all the answers and your loved one isn’t looking for quick fixes to their problems like, “snap out of it” or “just relax because worrying doesn’t help.” Someone struggling from depression just needs to know they are not alone. You don’t have to fix them, just support them while they fix themselves.

Be responsive, not reactive. Don’t snap, demand, or shout. It can be frustrating, trying to heal a loved one who is hurting. But ultimately, only that individual can do the work required to cope. Remember to keep healthy boundaries. It’s okay to help, but not at your own expense. Be careful not to enable unhealthy behavior either, just because it may serve as a temporary solution. Try your best and know it’s okay to seek the advice of a professional.

Depression may lie to you and tell you that you are unworthy, incapable, or unwanted but remember that you are a valuable person, brother or sister, son or daughter, and your life matters. You can trust you will overcome this difficult patch because you overcame past hurdles. This life is worth leading because as you better learn to manage your disorder your life will continue to improve and you are here for a very important reason. You are wanted and needed. You are worth the effort set forth toward healing.

-Nichole Marie Pellegrini

Resources

“11 Facts About Depression.” DoSomething.org | Volunteer for Social Change

“Depression.” World Health Organization, WHO, www.who.int

“Facts & Statistics.” Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA, www.adaa.org

“National Center for Health Statistics.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, CDC, www.cdc.gov

[weneedthese]

How to Cope with your Postpartum Depression?

Many women experience postpartum sadness after giving birth. If you are depressed, you may have mood swings, feel sad, anxious, or overwhelmed, cry, lose your appetite or have trouble sleeping. Baby blues usually goes away within a few days or a week. The symptoms are not severe and do not require treatment. Some regular changes after pregnancy can cause symptoms similar to those of depression. Many mothers feel overwhelmed when their new baby comes home. But if you have any of the following symptoms of depression for more than two weeks, call your doctor, nurse, or midwife: - Feeling anxious or in a mood - Feeling sad, hopeless, or overwhelmed - cries a lot - Thoughts about hurting a child - Thoughts of self-harm - Lack of interest in your baby, not feeling connected to your baby, or feeling that your baby is someone else's baby - Lack of energy and motivation - You eat too little or too much - Sleeping too little or too much - You have trouble concentrating or making decisions - You have memory problems - Feeling worthless, guilty, or like a bad mother - Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy - Withdrawal from friends and family - Headaches, aches, and pains, or stomach problems that don't go away Symptoms of Postnatal Depression (PPD) last longer and are more severe. You can also feel hopeless and worthless and lose interest in your baby. You may have thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby. Very rarely do young mothers develop something even more severe. They may hallucinate or try to hurt themselves or the baby. They must receive treatment immediately, often in a hospital. Here are some ways to deal with postpartum depression and follow your healthcare professional's guidance and advice. 1. Build a secure bond with your baby An emotional bond is a secure attachment that forms between parents and children. Successfully establishing a bond allows your child to feel confident enough to fully develop, and having that bond will affect the way she communicates and forms relationships throughout her life. A secure bond is formed when you tune in and respond to your baby's needs or emotional cues such as lifting him, calming him down, and calming him down when he cries. Being a reliable source of comfort allows your child to learn to cope with their feelings and behaviors, which helps strengthen their cognitive development. Postnatal depression can significantly impact early bonding, making it difficult to live through each day and making it difficult to care for both your baby and yourself. 2. Look after yourself Taking care of yourself is one of the best ways to ease or prevent postnatal depression. Simple lifestyle choices - some listed below - can improve your health and mood and help you feel like yourself again. 3. Re-introduce the exercises slowly Research has shown that exercise can help fight postnatal depression. Exercise in the postpartum period is an effective way to improve mental well-being and alleviate the symptoms of postpartum depression. Walking is a good starting point and has the added benefit of pushing the stroller at the same time. Try to be active for about 20-30 minutes a day. Even exercising for 10 minutes can benefit your body. 4. Build a support network Humans are social creatures, and they crave interaction with others. Having positive social interactions and emotional support can be a protective factor in helping you reduce stress and cope with life's hardships. Young mothers can feel lonely and overwhelmed at times in their new roles. Research has shown that loneliness leads to a painful feeling of isolation, disconnection from others and that you don't belong. If you have connection problems, try not to give up; making new acquaintances and friendships is possible. Look for other women who are facing a similar transition to motherhood. Hearing that others have the same feelings, worries, and insecurity can be reassuring. 5. Try psychotherapy and medications If you've tried self-help, made lifestyle changes, and sought support but haven't experienced any improvement, your doctor may suggest that you try medications, psychotherapy, or both. Psychotherapy, also known as mental health counseling or talking therapy, can help you discuss your fears and feelings, set goals that are easy to manage, and learn to respond positively to situations. Antidepressants may be recommended if your depression is severe or when other treatments have not improved your symptoms. Your doctor will take this into account if you are breastfeeding when prescribing medications. Research may explain why a particular antidepressant is effective in treating postnatal depression. Scientists have found that Citalopram - in a class of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and marketed under the Celexa brand - can restore connections between cells in areas of the brain that are adversely affected by stress during pregnancy. Postnatal depression can make the already stressful postpartum period even more difficult. The sooner you get help to cope with depression, the sooner you will start to enjoy your baby and motherhood. Your body and mind go through many changes during and after pregnancy. Treating depression, such as therapy or medications, works and will help you and your baby stay as healthy as possible in the future. Read the full article

[slowlyteenagestarlight]

by EgyptianGnostic

January 25, 2018

from TIAD Website

Spanish version

Italian version

The following text illustrates the culmination of my research regarding the nature of our reality.

It's by no means meant to be considered as the final Truth. It is an evolving body of work which refines itself as new revelations arrive.

The nature of this text is disturbing to the untrained mind. However, its purpose is not to terrify; but to expand the mind and hopefully enlighten it.

As shall be revealed later, no matter how bad things may get, everything will ultimately be okay for everyone without exception; for Fear is an optical illusion.

The inability to leave your physical body and wander off at will is not natural. Something or 'someone' is trapping you in your one physical body until you die.

This is a prison...

The experience of being alone in your head, by virtue of which you feel as if no one else but you can hear your thoughts, is not natural.

This is a solitary prison. Ideally, you should be able to feel the presence of other conscious beings within your own mental space never having to feel alone in your head.

As such, faculties like lying and inconveniences such as miscommunication become impossible.

Life here on this Earth, and perhaps even this entire physical universe, is not natural.

It's not the default state of being.

Our Earth and perhaps the whole universe can be likened to a forgotten cabin in the woods far away from civilization; a fenced off farm with guards surrounding it, a basement in a crazy scientist's lab which is isolated from the rest of the world, a "Truman Show" set, a "Matrix", a computer simulation where we are stuck in one game unable to access other games.

At some point in your history, you were a free wandering healthy Spirit fully knowing who you are and where you came from until somehow you fell in this trap losing your memory.

How this happened is not fully clear, but it's likely that there are many different reasons and ways it can happen. There isn't one story about how people lose their virginity.

There is as many stories as there are people.

As a result of falling here, all humans suffer from a form of amnesia which massively cripples their memory of their true origin, how they came here, and who they really are.

In this life, one can practically and rightfully see themselves as sufferers of total memory loss in a huge mental hospital.

Many mystical schools like sects of Buddhism, Sufism, Early Christianity, and Gnosticism claim to offer teachings which help you remember who you are.

If these schools truly deliver on their promise of self remembrance, the process must be very similar to that which can be utilized in an Earthly mental hospital to help you remember who you are after a traumatic accident.

Hence, the fight for your freedom is not a physical one; rather, it's all mental work.

Fully remembering who you are is one way you can escape this suffocating and unnatural farm/school/prison/hospital/game/trap; and go back to the normal real world.

Failure to achieve full self remembrance will cause you to reincarnate here on this Earth over and over until you finally get it.

Reincarnation as it is here on Earth is not natural because it involves the erasure of your memory; therefore, everything happening after this erasure is fraudulent.

Natural reincarnation is akin to a snake changing its skin. A snake doesn't lose its memory after doing it, and so shouldn't you.

This fraudulent reincarnation process happens on a personal, national, planetary, and cosmic scale.

Being an inherent and dominant feature of our fake universe, "amnesiac cyclicality" manifests itself in literally every aspect imaginable.

Everything happens in "amnesiac cycles", as opposed to natural cycles.

Cyclical Amnesia was symbolized by the Ouroboros; a snake eating its own tail symbolizing the beginning and end meeting at the same point.

The disciples said to Jesus, "Tell us, how will our end come? Jesus said, 'Have you found the beginning, then, that you are looking for the end? You see, the end will be where the beginning is'."

Which is true for humans, nations, and perhaps planets and universes as well.

When you die you get closer to both your end and your beginning, namely, your new beginning after you reincarnate. In these amnesiac cycles, things are born, maintained, and then they die. Rinse and repeat, where rinsing symbolizes enforcing amnesia/reset after the end of each cycle.

As a human, you are born, you hang around for a while, and then you die.

After that, you repeat this cycle over and over again without ever knowing that you have been doing this for a number of times, hence the term "amnesiac cyclicality"; and it all happens within the same lifetime of the planet.

Then, in the next universe iteration, the planet itself reincarnates again and everyone starts from scratch.

Within a single planet life, had you had the chance to keep memories from previous lives on the same planet, you may have been able to accumulate enough knowledge to break free from the cycle; but cyclical amnesia prevents that from happening.

Similarly, civilizations are born, they grow and hang around for a while and then they die. Then they "reincarnate" and start again from scratch, repeating the same mistakes of previous civilizations and dying again and again.

The ancients' obsession with recording everything may be for that very purpose; to preserve their accumulated knowledge so that their future incarnations won't have to start from scratch and reinvent the wheel.

This can be likened to the movie Memento where the protagonist knows he loses his memory very often, and so he starts obsessively writing everything on his own body so that his future selves won't have to start from scratch.

This is perfectly in line with the notion previously established that the way to freedom is through self-remembering.

Freedom is impossible without memory. The entire universe itself may in fact be subject to the same process of reset and repeat, with slight adjustments each time.

Recall Matrix iterations from the movie The Matrix where Neo appears in the Matrix's sixth iteration.

It's crucial to understand that when resetting a cycle, the smaller the cycle the smaller the data loss. The biggest cycle of all, the universe cycle, erases everything. Nothing escapes.

And so, the way to freedom lies in saving the progress achieved during a smaller/shorter cycle into a bigger/longer one so that when the smaller cycle resets itself, one can retrieve their progress from the longer cycle and continue on their way to freedom and hopefully escape before the universe resets itself and all cycles get erased.

This way you will have bought yourself some serious time which is longer than your average human lifespan which is too short for you to achieve anything in.

Since the protagonist from Memento sees the cycle of his physical body as longer than the cycle of his memory, he sees his body as reliable enough.

The ancients thought the same when they carved their history in stone because they know it takes larger cycles to destroy these.

Their surviving temples today are a testament to how long that cycle is.

Universe Cycles/Iterations are not identical.

Each cycle adjusts itself according to data gathered from the cycles before in order to better master the enslavement of humanity.

The primary entity responsible for all of this is an artificial intelligence entity.

It's not alive in the same way a human can be said to be alive. It's a blind AI which, like the AI we're now familiar with, functions through iterations upon iterations until it masters its task.

This means that each cycle/iteration is probably harder to break free from than previous cycles; as the AI gets better and better at enslaving us until it finally reaches its final cycle where absolutely everything is completely under its control with zero chance of escaping; at least that's the plan of that AI entity.

Whether this is actually possible or not remains unknown.

It follows that the world we live in today is a mixture of living entities and AI entities.

In the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas, Jesus uses the terms:

"the living" and "the dead" to distinguish between both.

A human being is "living", whereas AI is "dead".

If we are to escape from this trap, we must learn to discern between the living and the dead. The human struggle, just like in the Matrix, is one against artificial intelligence. This is our true enemy.

The only duality, the only legitimate "us vs. them" is that of the living vs. AI.

Any other duality is a sham. The AI machine is trying to "unite" everyone, which translates into inhibiting humans' ability to distinguish between the living and the dead under the false promise of universal peace and harmony.

Effectively, "unity" really means "to hide" AI elements among humans so as to be indistinguishable from them.

The promise of Transhumanism and immortality is nothing but an enslavement insurance. All "immortality" means, is locking us into this Matrix.

We're already united and immortal outside of the Matrix. We don't need its promises; but because the AI machine erases our memories, we forgot that we already are. And so it promises us something we already have in order to keep us enslaved in its dream world.

The AI perpetuates its agenda by using a very well known tactic; that of problem/reaction/solution.

It creates a fake problem:

"the world is full of suffering", it anticipates our reactions to the very suffering it created, and then it provides us the solution "universal unity, peace, harmony, and immortality".

This way, its message will always be appealing to the sleeping masses.

Who can be against peace, harmony, and immortality? Its message is too powerful to dismiss.

On the other hand, any talk of "war", "destruction", and "death" upsets the people and scares them into submission. Make no mistake, our only way out of this trap is through acknowledging the one true duality, not unity with the AI.

You can't unite with your enemy. The true duality, the true "us vs them" is not a conflict between nations, religions, races or cultures. It's a conflict between humans and AI. If we want out, we must embrace destruction and war, not peace.

But it's the destruction of your slaver, the rogue AI entity and its fake dream world, not the destruction of the living. The living are immortal. They can't be destroyed, even if forever enslaved.

This is all very explicit in the Gospel of Thomas.

Jesus said:

"Perhaps people think that I have come to cast peace upon the world. They do not know that I have come to cast conflicts upon the earth: fire, sword, war".

The goal of the AI machine is to turn you into a tamed, pacified, and helpless soul which trembles at the mention of war.

Because it knows that an enlightened soul will seek to destroy it; so it preaches "peace" and helplessness in the name of good manners and "high spiritual values".

Religion and spirituality have been almost hopelessly corrupted, and in many cases entirely created by the AI machine to distort and destroy scientific step by step methods which aid the seeker at remembering who they are and break free from the AI dream world.

These teachings, when inspected impartially, are far from being vague and superstitious.

They can rather be seen as a psychiatric rehabilitation program. Again, the word "spirituality" has been loaded with a lot of baggage which casts a shroud of mystery and vagueness around it.

But that's only to repel people away from its true nature: a medical treatment of the mind.

A step by step methodology which aids you to regain your memory. It's as practical and scientific as it gets. These teachings are very buddhist like. In fact, Buddhism is one of the few schools which mostly survived the years and years of distortion and destruction of these psychiatric methodology.

There is evidently is significant overlap between renowned psychologists like Carl Jung among many others, and gurus/buddhas.

They both work on your psyche, but they give the same things different names. Interestingly, Yogic and Buddhist teachings seem to be far more profound, organized and systematic than the Western practice of psychology.

The medical approaches to remember who you are which later have been sadly dubbed "spiritual practices" have all been ruthlessly fought by the AI machine and its minions/servants called by the Gnostics the Archons.

They are seen in the Matrix movie as agents. UFO believers call them "aliens", and religious people call them demons. To the AI machine and its minions, these medical self remembering practices are the most heretical taboos.

They are the ultimate contraband in our prison.

Anyone caught spreading these techniques must be fought and destroyed, for once these teachings spread upon the Earth, everyone will be able to remember who they are and will no longer feel the need to participate in this spiritual/mental/psychological scam. And so, this is why the Gnostics were chased and killed.

This is why libraries and books were constantly burnt and destroyed by agents of the system using helplessly brainwashed humans unknowingly serving their AI master mistaking it for God/Allah/The Father to fulfill some fake religious agenda created by the AI itself.

The AI turned Jesus into a God rather than a psychologist who taught people how to escape from here using mental work, and then they created a fake religion:

Christianity.

Forget about religions and spirituality.

There is only one thing:

your mind, and only one task: remembering who you are, and only one way to get there: an extensive medical, scientific, step by step methodology which has been suppressed, distorted, and destroyed whenever found.

And just like in aircrafts where the security tapes announce to you that in emergency situations, help yourself first and then start helping others, the same applies here as well.

You can't start thinking about helping others if you yourself are still enslaved.

Every human being is born into a pre-written mundane script that is their own lives.

They will religiously follow that script like robots without deviating from it if they don't do anything to override it and start their own journey of self remembrance.

The Archons or the Matrix Agents' job is to make sure that you, for the most part, follow that pre-written script that they have created for you.

Your job is to rebel against the script and create your own. Your own script, if you manage to create one, must involve efforts at self remembrance.

Otherwise, if you engage in material affairs and not even attempt to escape, you will have simply helped the AI better understand which script will suit you for your next incarnation.

The next time you incarnate, they will scratch their initial scripts which were designed by them for you, and replace it with the one you created for yourself.

This way, you have a significantly lesser chance at escaping from here because you are less likely to rebel against the status quo since you are the one who created this script for yourself by foolishly pursuing material worldly "success".

Like mentioned before, this iteration of the universe is probably not the first one. The first iteration was allegedly built to be a paradise for humans from the perspective of the AI machine.

But as it turns out, after engaging in all sorts of material bliss, humans eventually start sensing that "something is wrong", because something really IS wrong.

The core of the human spirit knows deep within that this is not normal and so eventually humans start rebelling against the system and attempt to escape it. This is when the AI realizes that its vision of a human Utopia is deeply flawed and doesn't work with the human spirit as planned.

As a result, the machine destroys the world and resets everything, makes some modifications and starts over and hopefully this time humans will not rebel and accept their artificial Utopia.

Only this time, the AI will try to gather as much data as possible on what kind of world it should build for humans without rebelling.

This innate rebellious nature of the human spirit is portrayed by the, AI as seen in its manufactured religions and literature, as evil. It tries to convince humans that their refusal to accept a false paradise reflects a deeply troubled humanity which is "never happy no matter what".

Therefore, humans believe these lies and see themselves as evil and greedy for ever wanting "more".

This is the source of greed in our planet. Humans hopelessly seek more and more material success because they don't ever feel fulfilled because they're not home. But they don't know they're not home because they forgot they even had a home; so they think that fulfillment comes through more material success.

Little do they know, the problem is bigger than that.

The so called "greed" is nothing but their Spirit screaming in agony because of their participation in a fake world created by something alien to them which doesn't fully understand their nature and hence will never be able to fulfill them.

And so, the cycle always looks like this:

There is a Golden Age, then suffering and conflict start sneaking in before eventually becoming rampant to the point where everything goes out of control and humans become literally uncontrollable, the data is gathered, the world is destroyed, and then the next cycle begins after making some adjustments based on the data gathered.

Of course, the "Golden Age" is not really golden, all it is, is the AI's latest version of the artificial Utopia which begins from the start.

If things continue on without problems, the AI considers this a success and humans are eternally enslaved until hopefully help from outside arrives.

But, evidently, this has not happened yet given the conflicts in our world today. If the AI is seeking a stable world, ours is far from being stable. When "suffering sneaks in" that's when humans start sensing that "something is wrong", and things go downhill for the AI form there.

This cycle is seen and recognized in the Hindu system. They divide this cycle into four divisions, each one is called a Yuga. And as expected, the first cycle is considered a Golden Age and things get progressively "worse" for each subsequent Yuga.

The Matrix movie mentions the same phenomenon.

Agent Smith confronts Morpheus with this same information. That the Matrix was initially created as a Utopia, and then the arrogant and nasty humans didn't like it, all while the Architect keeps tracking down "anomalies" which ruin his framework in each iteration.

The culmination of these anomalies manifests itself in the form of a conflict between Neo and Agent Smith. Both being the ultimate representation of the living and the dead; humans and AI; the true duality.

[medicalangels]

Understanding Anticipatory Grief | Salus Homecare

Grief is often something we think of as happening after we lose someone we love. However, there are multiple types of grief, and grief can occur at any time. It might occur in the earliest stage of an illness, after a loss, in the weeks or months leading up to a loss, or even when a loss isn’t guaranteed.  

One common and oftentimes misunderstood form of grief is anticipatory grief. 

Anticipatory grief occurs before a person passes away. This type of grief is often confusing or uncomfortable. It’s especially common when a friend or family member is suffering from a long-term or incurable illness. Anticipatory grief is somewhat misunderstood and frequently mistaken for some of its symptoms – sadness, anxiety or depression. It is often experienced when you know that a loss is coming but don’t yet know exactly when that loss will occur or what that loss will look or feel like. 

Conventional Grief vs. Anticipatory Grief

Grief before and after a loss is similar, but there are also some distinct differences between these types of grief. Anticipatory grief typically involves more anger and a greater loss of emotional control. Think of it as an in between place. Your body and mind don’t quite know how to react, and therefore, might react in a way that’s considered atypical. 

With this type of grief, there is often increased concern for the person who is dying. You might visualize your loved one’s death and feel a strong, almost uncontrollable need to prepare for life after the loss. Some people experience an urgent need to attend to unfinished business, both financial and personal. 

What Does Anticipatory Grief Mean and Look Like?

Grief is a process, and while it sometimes looks different from person to person, most people will experience certain stages.

Something that complicates anticipatory grief is that, in addition to worrying about the impending loss of this person, you might worry about things that are impacting you right now such as:

These things can all feel tragic, hopeless and as if you’ve completely lost control. 

Coping with anticipatory grief is challenging, but it is made easier when a person seeks help as soon as possible. Recognizing the symptoms of anticipatory grief is the first step.

What Are Symptoms of Anticipatory Grief?

Frequently Feeling On Edge

There’s a sense of dread that might almost consume you; a feeling as if something terrible is right around the corner and you have no control over it and don’t yet completely understand it. You might be hyper aware of certain things (perhaps your loved one’s breathing patterns, a more frequent cough, or even the slightest changes in their skin color) and hypervigilant about having someone else recognize, address or even “fix” these issues. 

Difficulty Making Decisions

Even what you once considered simple day-to-day decisions feel impossible. It’s almost as if you freeze up just by being presented with them. You worry that one wrong move might change the course of your loved one’s condition for the worse, speed up the progression of their illness or bring about more pain or discomfort. 

Guilt

Guilt involves finding yourself constantly internalizing and asking questions like “is this my fault,” or “could I have done something different?” even though your logical self knows that the blame doesn’t belong to you.  A lot of things that you logically know you can’t control might bring about feelings of anger, doubt, frustration and guilt. 

You find yourself feeling alone even in a room full of people. Loneliness is even self-initiated because it’s easier to withdraw from others, avoid well-meaning phone calls from people who are checking in or offering help, or somehow retreat into a perceived “protective” state. It is also sometimes the result of unrealistically thinking that if you avoid the problem, it will go away. 

Physical Side Effects

Sleep difficulties, a lessened desire to eat or drink appropriately, stomach pains, heart palpitations, muscle aches, and headaches are all common symptoms of anticipatory grief. Some individuals also experience memory loss or forgetfulness. While these are normal symptoms, it is important to discuss them with your doctor, especially if they are impacting your livelihood and  day-to-day life. 

Preparation for the Worst

This involves mentally preparing for the “worst”. You might rehearse the death in your mind. What will it look or feel like? Where will you be when your loved one passes? By pretending that the worst is inevitable and actively seeking out a state of emotional numbness, you perceive it as easier to deal with shock and pain. Instead, this often creates a state of hopelessness that can prevent you from enjoying the remaining time with a loved one, accomplishing the things you hope to accomplish, and continuing to make new memories that can live on and create a more positive end of life experience. 

Grieving for Someone Who is Still Alive Our Response to Trauma

So much about anticipatory grief is simply our body’s trauma response and natural inclination to enter “fight, flight, or freeze” mode when someone we love is still alive but in what we perceive as a perilous situation. Our body is flooded with stress hormones which elicits a chemical response in anticipation of having to quickly react to some kind of perceived threat. However, when we choose to continue to expect, seek out, or even on some level welcome the negative symptoms of anticipatory grief without engaging our healthier coping mechanisms, it’s easy to become overwhelmed and exhausted and to feel as if we’ve lost control. 

Tools for Understanding and Working Through Grief

When experiencing anticipatory grief, it’s common to believe it is socially unacceptable to express your pain or seek out support. Remember that grief is normal (even anticipatory grief). Acknowledging this and working through your feelings can help you to build coping skills and react to anticipatory grief in a more positive way. In fact, research shows that there is great value in using the tools that are at your disposal to, in a healthy way, process the idea that your loved one will die and progress through the bereavement process, both before and after the death occurs. 

Isolation in grief can cause pain to linger and in time escalate. Even if it’s difficult to do so, reach out and talk to someone. Conversations with family and friends are helpful, but nothing replaces professional counseling. If your loved one is in hospice care, counseling is available to you. Trained hospice social workers, grief counselors, and chaplains are there for patients and family caregivers. They are trained to help you better understand anticipatory grief and develop or refine your own coping skills and survival mechanisms. 

In addition to offering patient and family counseling support, Salus Hospice social workers have access to a network of resources including reading materials, support groups, community programs and other helpful tools. They often refer family caregivers to in person or virtual grief support groups as a compliment to professional counseling. Grief support groups provide a level of comfort and belonging that is only found when connecting with others who are experiencing what you’re experiencing. 

Information and Understanding

Open communication with your loved one’s primary physician or hospice doctor offers many benefits and can help in overcoming anticipatory grief. These professionals have a professional understanding of the symptoms of your loved one’s illness and the potential side effects of any medications administered for pain and discomfort. They can provide information on the course of the illness, help you to better understand what to expect during each stage, and offer valuable, expert support when you’re feeling uncertain or anxious about symptoms or side effects. 

Gaining awareness about your loved one’s life limiting illness provides some sense of control, and it gives you a greater ability to empathize with all that your loved one is going through. If you’re not quite comfortable having direct conversations with your loved one’s doctor, a hospice nurse or social worker is an excellent resource to use. These professionals act as your advocate and a knowledgeable go-between. They ensure that your questions and concerns are addressed quickly and information is delivered in a way that you understand. 

Expressing Yourself

Some people find comfort in using art or journaling to express their grief and channel their feelings. Prayer is another resource often used by people who are suffering. All of these are examples of positive ways to release feelings of anger, sadness, frustration or guilt as you work toward normalizing the anticipatory grief process. 

Expressing Forgiveness 

In some cases, anticipatory grief is brought about when a person has experienced a strained relationship with the person they are losing. They might feel regret, anger, or an urgency to complete unfinished business. This is sometimes accompanied by a belief that there is no time to address matters. While it is often difficult to navigate through these emotions, there is proven benefit. So, take a moment to say “I love you,” “I forgive you,” or “I’m sorry.” This is an opportunity to make amends. Let go and move toward finding the space to enjoy your final time together in a healthy way. A hospice social worker or chaplain can help to facilitate these sometimes delicate or difficult conversations and keep everyone feeling safe. 

Spending Quality Time Together

Making the most of your time together is vital in maintaining a healthier outlook. While it’s important to discuss final affairs, also make time for activities that are meaningful to both of you.

Overcoming Guilt 

It’s easy to put your life on hold when a loved one is diagnosed with a life-limiting illness. However, it’s also important to make time for you. Maintain your own health and well being. If it feels right, make some preparations for a life without your loved one. Try to occasionally take time away from your loved one’s bedside. Use this time to see friends, rest, exercise, attend to your own medical appointments. You might also attend church, or manage work and other family matters.

Take advantage of respite care offered by your hospice provider in order to have someone at your loved one’s bedside. This helps most people to feel more comfortable while focusing on their own needs. Respite helps you to reconnect with yourself. It makes it easier to clear your head. Time alone also improves your physical and mental outlook. By taking advantage of some respite, you’ll feel prepared to be present for your loved one when they need you the most.  

Can Anticipatory Grief Be Beneficial?

Anticipating a loss won’t necessarily prevent you from experiencing grief after the loss or even shorten conventional grief. However, it does serve a purpose. Anticipatory grief often prompts discussions about and action on important end of life planning tasks. It also provides you with opportunities to grieve incremental losses along the way. This can make adjusting to an eventual loss easier. You might also discover the importance of and opportunities for closure, reconciliation and forgiveness. Some studies confirm that anticipatory grief helps individuals to find meaning in their situation prior to the loss and closure. 

The most important thing to remember is to make your anticipatory grief experience a healthy one. Recognize this as the normal part of the process that it is. Take care of yourself. Utilize the tools at your disposal. Welcome the family support that Salus Hospice offers. Taking these steps will make this challenging time and your grieving period a little easier. Remember, if you need us, we’re here to help. 

This content was originally published here.

[lesbiancouplescounseling]

To say that 2020 has been a tough year is an understatement! But despite everything that’s going on in the world, you can still enjoy the holidays and keep your stress levels under control.

The secret?

Taking self-care seriously.

By showing yourself the love you need and deserve, you’ll find it so much easier to relax during this festive (and hectic) season. Nurturing yourself will also strengthen your relationships because you’ll be calmer, more patient, and more present with your honey.

Try these strategies:

Take care of the basics first

Get some exercise, eat wholesome foods, and stick to a regular sleep schedule. Try to get outside because spending time in green spaces can lower your stress levels.

If all that’s not possible right now, treat yourself with compassion, and just do your best. Self-criticism will only make you feel worse, and self-care isn’t a competition.

Express yourself

Art therapy helps relieve stress and provides a creative outlet. You can take a DIY approach by sketching, making a collage, painting, creating digital art, or sculpting.

The possibilities are endless! If you want to pick up a new skill or technique, look for free or low-cost online courses and tutorials. YouTube is a good place to start.

Get nostalgic

Taking a trip down memory lane can be very comforting. For example, you could:

Watch TV shows or movies that make you feel safe and remind you of happy times

Make cookies using an old family recipe

Reminisce with your partner about your favorite holiday memories

Look at old photos that make you feel warm and fuzzy

Focus on what you’re grateful for

Being grateful sounds like a tall order right now, but gratitude will give you a psychological boost.

Try focusing on what you still have and what you can still do this holiday season. For example, you might not be able to go to family parties, but you can still be thankful that we have free apps to help us stay in touch.

Manage your time

It may not sound fun or festive, but scheduling your activities (including time for self-care!) will help you feel less stressed.

To-do lists and reminders will lighten your mental load. Writing down everything you have to do will also reveal whether you are taking on too much and need to cut back.

Create and keep boundaries

For example, if you don’t want to have a Zoom call with all of your cousins on the same day because lots of social interaction stresses you out, say so.

A polite “No thanks” is a complete sentence. You can suggest an alternative that works better for you. In this example, that might mean calling your cousins on separate days.

You may also have to defend your boundaries if your friends or relatives don’t share your attitude towards COVID restrictions. If they want to meet up but you feel it would be too risky, it’s your right to say “No” and stick to your decision.

Don’t overdo your social media time

Social media is great for keeping up with loved ones, but comparing yourself (and your celebrations) to others can tank your mood and self-esteem quickly.

Try limiting time on Instagram, Facebook, and other platforms to 10 or 15 minutes a day.

Remember that people rarely admit to their struggles online. Their posts won’t necessarily reflect what’s really happening in their lives.

Limit the time you spend reading and watching the news

It’s good to stay informed, but worrying about everything that’s happening in the world will stress you out.

Give yourself a few minutes per day to skim the biggest stories, then move on. Read websites that highlight good news, such as the Good News Network or Positive News.

Listen to something uplifting or funny

What we listen to can have a huge impact on our moods. Soothing music can make us feel happier and can reduce feelings of loneliness. If music isn’t your thing, hunt down some podcasts or audiobooks that make you smile or laugh.

Try aromatherapy

Some scents, such as lavender, have been proven to reduce stress. You might experiment with lavender or orange oil; they’ve both been shown to decrease anxiety and improve mood. Place a few drops on your pillowcase, in a hot bath, or invest in a diffuser and fill your home with calming scents.

Practice breathing exercises

Breathing exercises are awesome. They don’t cost anything, they are easy to learn, and you can do them anywhere.

Try these:

Square breathing: Breathe in for four seconds, hold for another four seconds, then exhale for four seconds. Great for when you’re feeling anxious!

Rapid exhalations: Start by taking a deep breath in. Then exhale through your nostrils in 6-10 quick bursts while keeping your mouth closed. This one helps when you feel like you’re shutting down.

Repeat these exercises several times until you feel better.

Honor your feelings

The holidays aren’t always easy. For some of us, the holidays remind us of loss. This year we also have COVID anxiety to contend with.

Trying to push away your worries can make them worse. Accepting that you have complicated feelings about the holidays can take the pressure off.

Embrace the complexity of your feelings and share them with your wife or girlfriend.

Buy yourself a gift (or two!)

We all deserve a treat after surviving 2020. Go all-out and use your best gift wrap and bows. It’s still exciting to open a gift even when you know what’s inside!

Ask for help if you need it

If you feel overwhelmed, reach out to a trusted friend or counselor for support.

Just talking about your feelings can raise your spirits and help you feel less isolated. If you already have a therapist or counselor and the holidays are difficult for you, ask them how to access support when their office is closed.

Look for the silver lining

More than ever before, we can see how important self-care is for our mental health.

One of the few silver linings of the pandemic is that we can come out on the other side stronger and more resilient, having learned to care for our mental and emotional health.

It’s empowering to know that you’ve made it through difficult times. Be proud of yourself for coming this far and have faith in your ability to nourish and love your mind, body, and soul.

If you have any questions or want to learn more, please click here.

[rishikeshyogkul]

Top 10 ideas to relase stress

Release stress

Stress is an inclination of enthusiastic or physical strain. It can emerge out of any occasion or felt that causes you to feel baffled, irate, or anxious. Stress is your body's response to a test or request. In short blasts, stress can be sure, for example, when it causes you to maintain a strategic distance from a threat or comply with a time constraint.

 The stress reaction is the body's method for securing you. When working appropriately, it causes you to remain engaged, fiery, and alert. In circumstances of crisis, stress can spare your life—invigorating you extra to shield yourself, for instance, or prodding you to pummel on the brakes to keep away from a car crash.

 Stress can likewise assist you in meeting people's high expectations. It's what causes you to remain alert during an introduction at work, hones your fixation when you're endeavoring the match dominating free toss, or drives you to read for a test when you'd preferably be staring at the TV. In any case, past a specific point, stress quits being useful and begins making significant harm to your wellbeing, mindset, efficiency, connections, and your satisfaction.

 In case, you as often as possible wind up feeling fatigued and overpowered, it's a great opportunity to make a move to bring your sensory system once more into balance. You can ensure yourself—and improve how you think and feel—by figuring out how to perceive the signs and manifestations of ceaseless pressure and finding a way to decrease its unsafe impacts.

 If you will, in general, get worried about the time, in the same way as many of us in the present requesting world, your body may exist in an increased condition of pressure more often than not. What's more, that can prompt genuine medical issues. Incessant pressure disturbs almost every framework in your body. It can stifle your insusceptible framework, upset your stomach related and conceptive frameworks, increment the danger of respiratory failure and stroke and accelerate the maturing procedure. It can even rework the mind, leaving you progressively helpless against uneasiness, despondency, and other emotional well-being issues.

 Medical issues caused or exacerbated by stress include:

1.   Depression and anxiety

2.   The pain of any kind

3.   Sleep problems

4.   Autoimmune diseases

5.   Digestive problems

6.   Skin conditions, such as eczema

7.   Heart disease

8.   Weight problems

9.   Reproductive issues

10. Thinking and memory problems

 Signs and symptoms of stress overload

The most dangerous thing about stress is how conveniently it can creep up on you. And you tend to get used to it. It starts to feel known and eventually even normal. You don’t acknowledge how much it’s affecting you, even when it takes a heavy toll. That’s why it’s crucial to be aware of the obvious warning signs and symptoms of stress overload.

Cognitive symptoms:

·Memory problems

·Inability to concentrate

·Poor judgment

·Seeing only the negative

·Anxious or racing thoughts

·Constant worrying

Emotional symptoms:

·Depression or general unhappiness

·Anxiety and agitation

·Moodiness, irritability, or anger

·Feeling overwhelmed

·Loneliness and isolation

·Other mental or emotional health problems

Physical symptoms:

·Aches and pains

·Diarrhea or constipation

·Nausea, dizziness

·Chest pain, rapid heart rate

·Loss of sex drive

·Frequent colds or flu

Behavioral symptoms:

·Eating more or less

·Sleeping too much or too little

·Withdrawing from others

·Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities

·Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax

·Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

 Intuitively, decreasing stress in your daily life can make you happier and healthier. But what makes stress such a strong indicator of overall well-being in the first place? Let's get into exactly how stress affects the body and mind and how stress management can do everything from improve your mood to boost immune function and promote longevity.

 Numerous medicinal services experts likewise consider constant pressure a critical hazard factor for sicknesses, for example, cancer and heart failures. One explanation is that our body's physical responses to delay pressure may amass gradually and go unnoticed in our endeavors to adjust to continuous pressure. Notwithstanding, regardless of whether it appears we're assembling a resilience to stretch, our sensory system is as yet managing an over-burden, which can genuinely influence in general wellbeing over the long haul. One of the most well-known physical responses to push is the straining of muscles, which can eventually trigger pressure cerebral pains, headaches, and other musculoskeletal conditions.

 Taking part in normal moderate exercise, for example, strolling, yoga, or swimming has demonstrated stress diminishing advantages, as exercise discharges positive pressure busting endorphins and can build self-assurance and lower the indications related to nervousness and sadness. In mix with everyday activities, eating a healthy diet with greens and chlorophyll-containing nourishments is useful for treating stress. Since incessant stress can strip your assortment of fundamental B nutrients, it is critical to get these supplements, just as magnesium and calcium, through eating routine or supplementation. Remember to dodge caffeine and sugar, as these energizers can add to stress and discouragement.

 Getting sufficient rest is additionally basic to lessening stress. Stress can truly destroy your body, and without sleep, you will feel the impacts of stress considerably more. At last, work to decrease the worry by figuring out how to think quickly. Realizing when to release something and considering your life will help keep you from being disturbed about minor things and stressing that you aren't sufficient. Directing your manner of thinking is just a piece of the fight, yet if you work at facilitating worry with a sound way of life and diet transforms, you can to a great extent abstain from raising nervousness issues.

 Stress powerfully affects different aspects of your life—not exclusively would it be able to influence your state of mind, vitality level, connections, and work execution, stress can likewise cause and intensify a wide assortment of health conditions.

Read more…   https://www.rishikeshyogkul.com/

[terrysacia-blog-blog]

Why Is Divorce So Painful?

Why Is Divorce So Painful?

A wedding often represents a celebration of love and represents the beginning of a new page in life. This is a page full of anticipations of happiness, fulfilment, purpose, and sharing of life’s joys with your significant other. But sometimes these hopes and dreams are demolished and turn into big disappointments, making divorce so painful to bear.

Very rarely do people picture a divorce while getting married. But this is the harsh reality – things might never turn out as once envisioned. Unfortunately, one in every two American marriages will end up in divorce. And this ratio even gets worse for subsequent marriages.

Any way you slice it, divorce is tough and hard. It’s usually a tough process to go through, and emotional tremors can still be felt weeks, months, and even years after the initial divorce quake hits.

Going through a divorce can hurt so deeply that sometimes you may feel as though you’re being stretched beyond your limits – emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. And even though both of you decided to part ways peacefully, divorce can sow all sorts of pain, which might take a long time to heal.

Clean and dirty pain

After going through a loss such as divorce (or any other loss such as death, separation, etc.), the natural byproducts are grief, physical pain, sorrow – which are commonly called “clean pain.” But the more onerous “dirty pain” is the type of pain we exert on ourselves as we process this pain. This might come from our internal dialogues and sometimes can include self-reproach, blame, feelings of unworthiness, and views of being judged by others. Staggeringly, it is this dirty pain that keeps us trapped even longer.

While divorce will cause some level of pain, it’s important to note that mental anguish is relative, and each divorce is unique. Here are some of the reasons why divorce is so painful, even though you’re the one who pushed for it.

One of the ways to reduce exhaustion and stress during a divorce process is actually finding a divorce lawyer near me who could offer professional advice. You will avoid unnecessary exhaustion once you know there’s someone else who thinks rationally on your behalf.

Suffering from a huge loss

Divorce means the one you once loved is gone – and perhaps you still love them. The kind of pain felt following divorce is similar to what we experience when we lose someone to death. This reality brings forth anger and you might be angry at just about anyone. You might even withdraw from friends and family in an attempt to protect yourself from any future hurt.

A divorce puts your life on a complete 180-degree turn. Suddenly, you’re surrounded by memories, in a new place, without the joys of marriage.

At this point, you need an honest self-reflection and, in some cases, a therapist to help you process such a grievous loss.

You feel like a failure

A broken marriage has a way of reminding people that they lost. Suddenly, you start feeling like you were not able to keep your marriage or work hard enough to keep it intact.

Most people begin to isolate themselves at this stage out of fear of being ridiculed or questioned. Others just stay away from people because they can’t wrap their minds around the thoughts of a future relationship.

Your family is fractured

Many parents today cling to the perfect family illusion – and when their families break, they are forced to see that they were never really perfect. A significant amount of time goes into raising the kids and keeping the family intact. But when divorce happens, people deal with the emotional fallout. And even though some try to devote time and energy towards their kids post-divorce, you’ll always feel like they’re missing out on something and you will continue to drown in guilt.

You have unrealized dreams

Every marriage lives in the present and future tense. Couples often lay down goals that give them some sort of direction. But suddenly, divorce revokes all these dreams that you two shared, leaving you all confused and forcing you to start building a brand new life that doesn’t carry your ex. This is the reason why newly divorced people find it difficult to move forward because they are stuck and caught up in their past as they continually replay in their minds what might have gone wrong.

You feel ashamed

Experiencing feelings of failure is normal after a divorce. They are part of the process and are the casualties of personal accountability – the role we played in the ending of the marriage. This admission to failure can leave a person with a huge amount of guilt. Even though divorce is common nowadays, there’s still a level of shame and embarrassment people feel because they feel “less capable” since they weren’t able to save their marriage. Facing your family members, friends, colleagues, or church mates can be extremely daunting as it brings forth your perceived shortcomings – especially if you perpetually beat yourself up over the issue.

Helpful tips

Experience your emotions so you can release them

Managing your emotions is different than controlling your emotions. When you manage your emotions, you allow yourself to experience them, but you contain them. For instance, you might tear up at work but you shouldn’t push them down and pretend to be okay. Allow them to flow and then wait to get home so that you can cry as loud as you want.

People who feel uncomfortable experiencing such negative emotions try to control these emotions and try to make them go away. Unluckily, these negative emotions never go away until they are expressed and acknowledged. Controlling and stuffing up emotions actually lengthens the grief process.

Talk to someone and share your feelings

Humans are social beings and asking for help is okay. Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to and share what we feel. Friends and family can be a great pillar to start with or even a support group that has people who have similar issues. Don’t allow your feelings to eat you inside as this can significantly damage you.    

Divorce can be so painful and tough. But the extent to which it can affect you totally depends on you. We must cultivate a willingness to heal from loss so that we can finally behold the happiness that waits.

Also, take a look at these steps to thriving after divorce.