#the longest chapter... and my favourite hehe

[umbry-fic]

With Love (2)

Summary:

Over a thousand miles of distance and letter after heartfelt letter, Colette learns to love.

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia

Characters: Colette Brunel, Lloyd Irving

Relationships: Colette Brunel & Lloyd Irving

Rating: T

Chapter: 2 of 3 (Prev | Next)

Word Count: 9928

Mirror Link: AO3

Original Post Date: 13/06/2024

Chapter Title: Then

Notes:

The bulk of the chapter is here! Featuring queerplatonic crushes, platonic crushes, not-so-platonic crushes, and a whole lot of letters. (Don't question how they're being delivered I did not think that much about it.)

~~~

Stem after thin stem, she wove together the freshly picked forget-me-nots lying in the basket before her. Brows furrowed and teeth worrying at her lip, she watched as the shape of the delicate flower crown began to form in her lap.

“Colette!”

She jumped, the almost-done flower crown fluttering to the gentle slope beneath her, her errant hands upsetting the entire basket until her feet were covered in soft blue.

Righting the basket, she began to pile flowers back in, Lloyd joining her as he apologised for startling her, even as she waved off his apologies.

“Done with whatever punishment Professor Raine concocted for you?” she asked. A few beads of sweat still clung to Lloyd’s forehead from whatever it was their teacher had made him do for falling asleep in class for the umpteenth time. Professor Raine could strike terror into the hearts of her students without even trying.

“That was the most boring two hours of my life,” he groaned, carefully placing the final stray flowers into the basket before dramatically flopping onto his back. Looking as if he didn’t have a single care in the world, he rested his head on his arms and gazed lazily at the fluffy white clouds that drifted across the perfect summer sky.

Giggling, she resumed her previous task, shifting closer to him. “Maybe you should try to listen more, then?”

He hummed softly, turning his head to look at her, something in his expression making her pause and turn her full attention to him. The sunlight fell through his hair, turning it almost golden brown - she wanted, more than anything, to run her hands through it and discover if it was as soft as it seemed. She kept her hands to herself, though, trying in vain to quash that strange current of warmth that swam through her veins whenever she was in his company.

“Janet mentioned something to me today. She said that since we already spend all of our time together, we might as well kiss and get it over with.”

“Do you want to?” she asked, careful to keep her voice steady even as her heart sped up. Perhaps this might answer the questions that had plagued her for the past few weeks, refusing to leave her alone. That thought brought with it both a sense of relief and a rush of fear, emotions that she quickly banished to the depths of her heart.

“I don’t mind.” The answer rolled from him easily, and she nodded, wondering if this would finally put an identity to the nameless emotion that awoke in her sometimes when she held his hand, their fingers interlaced, his palm warm against hers.

But when he gently pressed his lips against hers, she felt nothing. There were no sparks, not like the fairytales described. The prince was supposed to rescue the princess from her castle and free her from her imprisonment with a passionate kiss, a promise of a life to be spent together, filled end-to-end with nothing but wonder. It was a daydream that certainly wouldn't come true - nothing could save her from her pre-ordained fate, but it had been something small to cling to during moments when despair had threatened to overwhelm her. It had just been thoroughly dashed against the rocks, shattering into tiny shards that had no hope of being put back together into something salvageable.

The suspicions she had only allowed herself to admit in the dark of night where no one was there to overhear her were beginning to be confirmed - it didn’t seem like what she felt was what the scriptures described as love. It certainly wasn’t all-encompassing, and neither was there any accompanying desire that she had to resist.

But there wasn’t any point in getting lost in all of these questions, was there? It wasn’t like she would need to worry about any of this, not with the little time she had left to simply be Colette Brunel and not the Chosen.

“Hm,” Lloyd mumbled when he pulled away. “I don’t think we need to do that again.”

She blinked, resuming her weaving. “I agree.”

“Honestly, I don’t get the point,” he grumbled, waving his hand in the air. “What’s so special about all… that?” His voice held not a hint of uncertainty as he easily stated his disinterest in what was, to most people, one of the most vital parts of life.

It’s the fairytale ending, she wanted to say. But the words died in her throat, and she only shrugged, the truth she had never told anyone spilling out. “I don’t know either." Perhaps one day she would, but that day was not today. "But… I do think I want to get married.”

She never would get that fairytale ending - she would never wear a beautiful white dress, would never get married standing under an arch with her favourite flowers decorating it, would never get the chance to plan something so elaborate and see all the parts come together as her efforts came to fruition…

He was watching her again, with those warm russet eyes, his next words said with an unshakeable conviction, as if things truly were that straightforward. “If you want to, then you should.”

That encouraging warmth was enough to plant the seeds of courage within her, leading her to blurt out something she’d barely even let herself think, afraid to admit it to herself. “Well, I’d want to marry you.”

It was a strange thing to say to someone she’d just sworn off ever kissing again, but it was also, inexplicably, true. She still had no answers to any of the questions that swirled around in her head, asking herself what exactly she felt for him. But she would have liked to marry him, had it been possible, and in doing so entrust a part of herself to him, knowing he would protect that little piece of her with everything that he had.

He grinned, then, seeming to light up the space around them both with the power of the sun. “I’d get married to you too. Let’s make it a promise, then. I’ll marry you in the future, and you’ll get to have the wedding of your dreams.”

She didn’t answer, gently placing the completed flower crown on his head, letting the soft blue bloom among the brown. It was a promise that couldn’t be kept - there would only be a funeral wreath waiting for her at the end of her path. But it was a beautiful dream, one that she could perhaps indulge in on nights when she did not wish to fall asleep to the salt of tears.

Her fingers lingered, and she smiled to herself. It was as soft as she’d thought it’d be.

“I’m gonna go make one for Genis too,” she declared, standing and picking up the basket.

“Have fun!” he called after her, waving goodbye.

~~~

The first time she saw Sheena, really saw her, it felt like the world screeched to a halt, narrowing until all Colette could see was her.

Sheena had just broken her way through the wall that was separating her from their group, having painstakingly dragged herself through the mines to intercept them on the other side of the pass. Cards gripped in hand, Corinne balanced on her shoulder, she had fallen into a battle stance. There had been dirt smudged across her cheeks and a cut bleeding shallowly on her forehead, but her amber eyes shone clear, burning with determination.

Colette had been so distracted in that battle that Kratos had to drag her out of the path of direct danger twice before snapping at her to stay back if she was only going to get herself killed.

Oh, she’d thought in a daze by the campfire that night. Maybe this is…?

When she pleaded with the mysterious girl to accompany them to the ranch, part of it was for the reasons Lloyd had confidently stated. There was no point in fighting if they were not enemies, and she had no desire to hurt anyone - that was not the purpose of this journey she had set out on. But there was a tiny, selfish wish tucked behind those impassioned words. A hope that this girl who radiated determination could become her friend, ushering in a new, unexplored part of her life.

When Sheena joined their party for good, Colette finally got to know her. She was kind, loyal, and sometimes so terrified of something looming over her that she refused to share that her shoulders shook and she screwed her eyes shut, but she forced her way through it anyway because she was brave in a way Colette would never be. It was something she could not help but admire - Sheena truly did shine with a light that could not be put out, no matter how much the world tried to do so.

And she was gorgeous. Hair dark as midnight that she rarely let down, but allowed Colette to comb her fingers through on nights she’s too tired to deal with it herself. Amber eyes that were equal measures kind and playful, burning with a raging fire whenever she witnessed an injustice. Tanned skin that flushed whenever Colette so much as smiled at her.

She loved spending time with her, swapping childhood stories until the campfire ran cold, but the emotions beating in her heart were, once again, not the ones that had been described to her all her life, from the sweet words of fairytales to the severely inked pages of the scriptures. It was certainly different from what she felt around Lloyd - that was a steady, gentle flame, perfect for spending the night by, its warmth slowly spreading through one’s bones. This was more of a playful flame, jumping and leaping and never lacking in excitement, but it still didn’t seem sufficient for the never-ending, all-consuming wildfire that love was supposed to be, enough for one to give all of oneself away. She could only ever manage little slices of her heart - clasped in her and Sheena’s hands by the campfire, stored in the gentle strokes of Lloyd’s fingers through her hair as she let her head rest in his lap, seeping into the stew that she helped Genis stir, curled in the sheepish smile she gave Professor Raine when she had to ask for help with her homework, floating with the thanks she gave to Kratos on nights that stretched on without end. It would never be enough.

Despite what she’d said to Lloyd years ago, the disappointment still crashed over her each night as they got closer to the tower looming in the distance, bitter on her tongue as she sat awake, counting the stars that glimmered in the sky above. It had been the truth - she didn’t understand the weight everyone seemed to put on romance, but she had hoped to perhaps understand it more by the time she took her final steps up the stairway that led to the heavens, to experience something that all the other normal girls did.

But perhaps a Chosen like her, who would waste her time fretting over such trifling matters, didn’t deserve to enjoy an emotion so pure.

~~~

When her world failed to end in the Tower of Salvation, Colette’s life became incredibly hectic for a while - discovering truths that irrevocably altered her perception of herself and the world, guiltily hiding secrets behind fake smiles and trembling hands, racing against the clock to save a separated world that was rapidly hurtling towards destruction. Throughout the mad rush, there wasn’t much time to rest, and the unanswered questions that persistently hounded her were mercifully silent.

And then she and Lloyd were standing in front of a fragile sapling imbued with all the world’s hopes, swearing a vow to its guardian that they would protect it and do their part in cultivating a world where it could thrive.

Suddenly, gone were all the deadlines that had hung over her head like a guillotine, fading away into dust as if they had never been there in the first place, and she had all the time in the world to think. During the quiet moments of her journey with Lloyd around the rejoined world - staring out an inn’s window and enjoying the early morning breeze on her face, dozing off with her head resting on his shoulder and his cape carefully draped over her, walking uninterrupted through the shade of the forest with her fingers interlaced with his - she mulled over the same questions she had asked herself since the age of fourteen. It felt like she was stumbling blindly, her path to the answers that had eluded her shrouded in a thick fog that refused to part for her.

What was it that she truly felt for Lloyd? And what is it that he felt for her? She wasn’t blind - she caught the way he looked at her, different from everyone else. The way his gaze softened, the small smile that would never fail to appear when he took her hand, thumbs tenderly brushing over her knuckles. There was an easy warmth to their interactions - hands on the shoulder, fingers calmingly combing through strands of hair after a long day, falling asleep curled up together - it all came to them naturally, little touches here and there and everywhere.

It should have been a simple task, to open her mouth and ask him a question, knowing he would answer her kindly with the truth. But now that she had an entire unexplored life winding out in front of her, she found that fear had sewn her lips shut, the words like barbed thorns catching in her throat. He had said it himself, that he had no real interest in romance or anything of the sort, and neither did she garner the same appreciative glances she sometimes caught him throwing people they passed on the street. It wasn’t jealousy that held her back - it was a deep-rooted fear that she wouldn’t be enough. If she hadn’t been good enough so many times in the past, why wouldn’t it happen here as well? There was a thread tied around her heart that pulled her towards him, but she didn't wish to ensnare him with it, trapping him with the promise they had made.

Guilt accumulated in her soul all the while, for defying the rules that society had arbitrarily set for her. She had been raised all of her life with the message that she should be the shining exemplar of everything the Church preached, and even thinking of actively straying from those teachings was enough for panic to dig its insidious claws deep into her skin, forcing tears into her eyes as she shied away from the very thought. She knew she was being silly - it had all been based on a lie, and there was certainly no chance of Lloyd ever caring about any of these things. She had nothing to fear from him. But with each day spent by his side, she couldn’t bear the vulnerability of tearing out her beating heart and exposing it to him. The potent mix of guilt and fear kept her quiet, and two years passed by like sand falling through her fingers, the frigid knowledge of her unease settling in her chest like a weight. Even without a word, Lloyd probably already knew. He’d always known her the best - but he didn’t push, simply treated her the same, gently soothing her heart.

Sometimes, she wished dearly that she could possess the ability Lloyd had to believe whole-heartedly in one’s own ideals, remaining steadfast regardless of what others said or did to influence him, uncaring of what the rest of the world thought.

Sitting on the porch of the house she had grown up in, she took a deep breath, enjoying the unbroken silence of Iselia, still awaiting the rising of the sun before the villagers would rub the sleep from their eyes and push themselves from bed to go about their daily routines. She hadn’t realised how much she’d missed the sleepy bubble of her hometown - it had taken a week, the longest she’d spent here since she’d left on that fateful day after the arrival of the Oracle - for the feeling to strike her, square in the chest.

Just last night, Lloyd had said a hasty farewell to her to her and rushed off towards his father’s place. They had finally completed their mission to collect all the Exspheres, and yet another crossroads lay before them. The light in Lloyd’s eyes as they’d travelled had told her all she needed to know about the path he would decide to take. With each new sight, the infectious wonder infused into his every action had only grown, and she knew he would never run out of places to explore in this wide, wide world. He had always been a little stifled in this village, buried under the weight of studies he couldn’t understand and people who didn’t want to put in the effort to let him in. Out in the world, he could wander to his heart’s content, he could discover locations they had only ever heard about in exaggerated tales, he could offer help to anyone he came across who needed it. He belonged out there, a child of curiosity through and through - he’d found his answer, and she couldn’t be happier for him.

But where did she belong?

This wasn’t a decision he could make for her. He’d simply squeezed her hand before he’d left, and told her to think about it. There had been no judgement in his words, just a quiet understanding of the choice she would make.

Tapping her fingers against the floorboards, the clicking of her nails against wood accompanied her as she observed the village come alive with the sun, the familiar sounds she’d woken up to almost every day of her life bringing a smile to her face. Even with her eyes closed, she could see everything that was happening vividly against her eyelids. Villagers tending to the grapevines, checking that the fruits were growing plump and healthy. Children talking loudly amongst each other as they rushed towards the schoolhouse, not wanting to be late. Shopkeepers setting up, observing their wares and setting up signs.

No matter what, she would always, always love Iselia.

And so, she made her decision, realising that the answer had always been on the tip of her tongue.

There was no shock colouring Lloyd’s expression when she made the careful journey across the river to Dirk’s and told him that she was going to stay. Perhaps he’d been expecting it, for sometimes it really did feel like he knew her better than she knew herself. He didn’t question her or attempt to change her mind. Instead, he spent the night with her over cups of coffee, camped out on his rooftop for old time’s sake, naming the stars until she fell asleep with her head pillowed on his thigh.

She needed the time to be… just herself, on her own. To figure herself out - what she wanted, who she was, what she felt. And she had missed Iselia deeply. Her destiny was simply not that of a wanderer.

On the day he was to set out again, she met him at the gate, preparing to see him off.

“I’ll come visit,” he promised, pulling her into a tight embrace.

There was a little bit of sadness clinging to her words as she told him goodbye, but it wasn’t as bad as she’d thought it would be. Her heart clenched for a single painful moment, but it did not break. It wasn’t as if she’d never see him again. This wasn’t farewell, she had more faith in him than to think that way.

Leaning forward, he whispered into her ear, his breath tickling her skin. “Take as long as you need, Colette.”

Unspoken, hidden in the encouraging squeeze of his hand as he stepped back, was a vow to wait.

She pressed something into his open palm - a forget-me-not, that she’d spent the night before pressing between paper to ensure it turned out perfect. A small part of her to keep on him, a little piece of her heart for him to carry.

“I’ll write,” she promised in return, waving until her arm ached as she watched his back disappear down the dusty road she had once set off down herself, back before everything changed.

~~~

Dear Lloyd,

It feels a little strange to be writing a letter. The last one I wrote was the one I sent to my family before I approached the final seal. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that it’s been more than two years since then. So much has changed.

How are things going on your end? What town have you found yourself in now? Or are you spending most of your time on the road? Are there any interesting sights? What about people? I’m sorry for the torrent of questions, but I’d love to hear anything you have to share. I hope you’re having fun.

And have you met any new dogs? I’m sure there are many more adorable doggies out there in the world that we didn’t run into, just waiting to be found!

As for me, I’m settling back into Iselia and slowly getting used to life here again. The townsfolk were happy to see me, though they’re still keeping me at arms-length. It’s a lot like how they used to treat me in the past, leaving me on the outskirts. It stings, a little, that they’re avoiding me. It sort of makes me feel like nothing has changed at all. But I suppose they have no clue how to treat me, just like back then. Even father and grandmother seem a little lost now that I’m here for good again. No one expected me to return once I stepped foot outside the gate.

But enough of being a downer! I’m going to work on it! Most of the people here never really knew me past my title, so I’ll make sure they learn who I am from now on. Just Colette, their normal next-door neighbour. It’s a pipe dream, I know. They’ll never really be able to forget that I was once the Chosen. But nothing’s going to change unless I try.

Still, it’s wonderful to be back. It’s been nice to be able to stand in my garden again. Father took good care of it while I was gone, but there’s nothing more calming than tending to the plants. I find that it helps to clear my mind and keep me grounded. And watching the flowers bloom after hours of hard work brings me so much joy. I would like to thank you again for all the hours you spent helping me out with the garden.

I was thinking of helping out at the schoolhouse. A really nice teacher from Luin took over after Professor Raine left and she’s swamped. While there is no way I’m assisting with the actual teaching, I could help with the children. And maybe in the future, I could take some of the classes like arts and crafts. It would be something to do with my time now that it’s not all occupied by prayer readings.

Also, just a random thought, but I suppose we should stop calling her Professor Raine? That would be incredibly strange, however!

I think that’s all I wanted to write about. I’m not sure when this letter will reach you, but I hope it does.

You’re always welcome to visit, at any time.

With Love,

Colette

Colette

The words started out shaky, indentations showing where the nib of the pen pressed sharply against the paper. Eventually, the lines and curves calmed, and the sentences began to flow easily, each letter neatly drawn. Until the end, where a few of the words were scrawled over with markings so black that they were impossible to decipher. The letter was folded, unfolded, and folded again before it was finally mailed out by trembling hands.

~~~

Colette,

I don’t think I’ve written a letter since that one lesson where Professor Raine taught us how to do so. The details elude me, but I’m fairly certain that lesson ended with me in detention and Genis had something to do with it. And you’re right. We probably should stop calling her Professor Raine, no matter how strange it feels. Maybe we can do it slowly?

I received your letter in Palmacosta, and I’m still here while I write this reply. The last of the damage was repaired since the last time we were here. It’s impressive just how much they’ve managed to rebuild in just six months. I’ve been exploring the new parts of town, mapping out its nooks and crannies and browsing the new stalls. And guess what! I bumped into Chocolat and we spent a very pleasant afternoon catching up. She sends her regards, and says she hopes to visit Iselia some day soon.

Also, there’s a new dog! I’m fairly certain it’s not one we’ve encountered before. It doesn’t have the collars we made for all the other dogs we’ve met. I asked the townsfolk, and they said it wandered into town a few weeks ago and has been popping up in different places since then. I don’t have the best grasp of words, so I’ll send you a little drawing of it. I’m sure that’ll do a better job than any description I could attempt. As per tradition, you can tell me what to name them in your next letter.

About Iselia, I’m glad to hear you’re settling back in, and I hope you enjoy every day that is to come to the fullest. As for the villagers, there’s not much I can do from here but provide you with my encouragement. The way they’ve treated you has always rubbed me the wrong way, but I know this is your battle to fight. And I believe you can do it. You just need to show them what you’ve shown me. Beneath all that nonsense about your title, you’re just a normal person like anyone else, and once they understand that, I’m certain they’ll let you in.

Looking forward to receiving your next letter!

Love,

Lloyd

The paper was crinkled, and it carried the salty scent of the ocean, invoking the image of waves lapping lazily against sand. The words were nothing more than messy scratches, yet still able to be deciphered by their desired recipient, who knew that handwriting by heart. At the bottom of the paper was a sketch of a dog - an adorable little thing standing on cobblestones, the curious cock of its head captured perfectly. The letter is carefully folded and tucked away in a drawer, to be cherished.

~~~

Dear Lloyd,

Thank you for keeping the tradition alive! I think I’ll name the dog

“Colette.”

“Hm?” She looked up from her desk, letting her pen fall slack against the wood as she spotted her father hovering in the doorway. “Oh, Father! Sorry, I didn’t realise you were there. Come in.”

Her father walked in through the open door, seating himself on the edge of her bed. His smile now was a lot less stiff than it had been in the month and a half since she’d returned home - it was warmer, less tentative. She’d made sure to include herself in the activities her family conducted: weeding in the garden with father, baking pies with grandmother, visiting the orchard to pluck ripe apples. Insistently pushing and pushing until she’d knocked down their walls, and they stopped turning their heads to look at her like she would disappear in the next instance.

“I did knock on the door multiple times.”

Cheeks flushing with embarrassment, she ducked her head. “Sorry. I just got engrossed with writing letters.”

“To Lloyd?” The hard tone of his voice made her freeze, wondering what he was about to ask.

He was leaning forward now, hands steepled awkwardly together, hesitantly stringing his next words together. “It’s just… I thought you two were…”

“Oh.” The sigh rushed out of her, taking with it the weight of her nervousness. While her mission to integrate herself with the other villagers was still in its early stages, some of them had started involving her in casual conversations, bringing her into the fold in a way she’d never experienced in this village outside of her previously small circle of friends. It did, however, afford some of the bolder ones the opportunity to ask her the same question her father was currently stumbling over. Honestly, after the tenth time of being on the receiving end of it, she was starting to dread hearing even the beginning of it. It was exasperating to have to explain the same thing over and over again to people who didn’t seem to want to accept the truth she had to tell, repeatedly spinning the words and contorting their meaning to support their own perceptions. “No, Father, we didn’t suffer a messy break-up or anything of the sort. We were never in love. Not in that way.”

With the clarity of distance, it was much easier to prod at her own emotions without needing to panic over Lloyd's presence right next to her. While she’d been certain before that they’d never be in love - not in the way love had been described to her all of her life - it was easier to say with conviction now.

Whether or not she loved him in another way, she hadn’t yet agreed on.

“Oh.” Her father sounded relieved, if a little dumbstruck, as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. But he didn’t refute her like others had, which was a vast improvement. Even if he couldn’t understand right now, he didn’t question her, which was much appreciated. “That’s, uh… That’s good to hear. I’m sorry for asking.”

“It’s fine, father.” The tiny nugget of frustrated rage in her chest was hard to hold onto when she knew her father was coming from a place of care, afraid that she’d retreated here because of the pain of a broken heart in order to pick up the pieces. Still, it was good that she’d corrected his misconception before it could spiral out of control.

Her father had not yet straightened up, seemingly preparing himself for another difficult question. “I do have to ask, though. Are you… truly happy here?”

She thought for a moment, rolling her pen between her fingers. She did miss Lloyd, but not in the violent way she had when she’d first left Iselia, her heart aching like it would shatter into a million pieces as she’d cradled the memory of him close, sure she would never see him again. That had been an open, bleeding wound that she'd been convinced wouldn't ever heal, while this was a scabbed-over injury. More of a gentle tug - a desire to see him again, no matter when that would be, simmering in her heart. And while her happiness here was still a bud, not yet bloomed, she was certain she could cultivate it into a beautiful flower.

“Yes, father. I am happy here.”

“That’s… that’s good.” Her father finally stood, clapping her on the shoulder. “Also, your grandmother asked me to tell you that the priests want to see you next week.”

She didn’t manage to answer him before he left the room, the last words he’d left her with sinking into her mind. Before she’d realised it, her hands were clenched into fists that she gently pried apart, wincing at the pale crescent moons she’d left in her palms. In the past two years, she hadn’t so much as stepped into a Church, and she knew her father hadn’t been attending service either, because they were both home during the times that they should be faithfully praying, calmly having tea. It was the largest source of tension in their reunited family - Grandmother always frowned whenever she failed to convince the two of them to go, before reluctantly shuffling out the door.

Her complicated emotions regarding the religion that had been part of her life for as long as she could remember had yet to be unravelled, and she knew she couldn’t run away forever. As she put her pen back to paper, she considered if it was time to start pulling apart the layers and unearthing the core of the issue, confronting it head-on.

~~~

Dear Lloyd,

Thank you for telling me about the sakura grove! That sounds really beautiful, I’d love to visit it someday. Thank you as well for the sakura flowers. I’ll be sure to cherish them.

You know how I mentioned that the priests wanted to meet me a few letters ago? I put it off for a while, but I finally built up the courage to go yesterday.

The only way to describe the experience was strange. The place was both familiar and foreign. Almost nothing had changed even after two years, but the atmosphere felt different. I suppose I no longer feel the same pressure to be perfect once I step foot in there. The standards I was once held to no longer apply.

The priests didn’t exactly look pleased that I’d dawdled for so long, but honestly, they couldn’t have done anything even if I’d decided to never show up, so it didn’t bother me too much. Even if they'd tried to scold me like they had in the past, it wouldn’t have had much effect. I know now that there are much scarier things than the priests, and things that matter much more than their approval.

As for what they wanted, they were trying to invite me to take up some sort of role in the Church. Despite publicly renouncing my status as Chosen, they must think I still hold enough sway to act as a figurehead. Unfortunately, that’s the very opposite of what I want. If I do that, I’m never going to escape from the shadow of my title. I don’t want people to listen to me just because they think I hold the Goddess’ favour. I want to talk to people as an equal.

They weren’t happy that I turned them down, but there’s nothing they can say to change my mind. This is an issue I’m not budging on. Trying to tell me that the Goddess would have been disappointed that I’m turning my back on her is certainly not going to be effective when I know the Goddess doesn’t even really exist. And from what I know of Martel, she certainly wouldn’t have thought that way.

But I think I’ll attend the next service. Once the priests had left me alone, I found that I didn’t really mind wandering around the temple. Honestly, I’ve kinda missed its peaceful quiet.

What do you think?

Hoping to hear from you soon,

Colette

Placed next to the folded pile of letters is a notebook, its pages mostly empty. Nestled behind the front cover are sweet-smelling sakura blossoms, gently pasted onto white.

~~~

The temple was silent now. Moments before it had hummed with the energy of the service, heads bowed as people were united in prayer, their collective harmonious voice rising and falling to reach the high ceiling. The last of the stragglers - a child, waving goodbye to her as they were gently tugged along by their parents - had left through the large doors to continue with their day.

Leaving Colette sitting in one of the pews near the back, eyes closed as she soaked in the peaceful quiet. She’d drifted into the temple in the middle of the small crowd, neatly avoiding most curious gazes and ducking into a pew. She hadn’t attracted too much attention, thankfully, and the villagers who had noticed her had done nothing more than flash her a friendly smile. The priests had filed neatly out after the service had ended, their gazes sliding off her as disgruntled frowns overtook their faces.

She opened her eyes to watch dust motes dance through the air, tracing their paths as her thoughts wandered, her mind calm as it always was in this place. She’d spent so many hours of her childhood here, studying over heavy books of the faith’s text, a priest sharply watching her to ensure she didn’t skive off. Back then, this had seemed like such a cold place, her heart shrivelling every time a priest chided her for failing at something, glaring at her with heavy disappointment. She had jumped with joy every time she had left through the doors to find Lloyd on the other side, shuffling his feet in the dirt as he’d waited for her.

Now, however, with nothing being asked of her, she could simply enjoy the beauty of the temple without any pressure. While it no longer gave off the impression it was going to fall apart at any moment, the cracks in the wall having finally been repaired, it certainly couldn’t hold a candle to the Meltokian chapel, with its impressive collection of stained glass windows that painted the floor in a myriad of rainbow colours. The temple didn’t possess such grandiose beauty - but it was a place she knew like the back of her hand, comforting in its familiarity and affording an uninterrupted calm. There was a timelessness to it. It had stood for centuries and felt like it would continue to do so into eternity, providing a refuge to all who needed it.

She hadn’t realised how much she’d missed the warmth of service until she was in the middle of it. That sense of everyone’s hearts being united in prayer as the soft sunlight filtered down on them was one she’d sorely missed for the past two years, all her troubles melting away as she lost herself in the magic of it once more, almost as if she’d never left.

There had been many a sleepless night she'd spent thinking about the Goddess, not wanting to wake Lloyd up as he slept soundly next to her, their limbs entangled. While the Goddess Martel was never real, the woman had been - a living, breathing person who had once walked these very same lands. She’d been brave, and kind, bearing a love for this world that had burned so bright, refusing to flicker out even in her final moments. Those were qualities Colette could still believe in, could still work towards trying to embody in every waking moment. Even if she couldn’t faithfully follow everything she’d been taught to believe… Well, there was nothing more blasphemous than realising the Goddess wasn’t real, was there? In comparison, everything else seemed silly.

It was a quiet realisation that came to her suddenly on a normal day like any other, inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. But in that instant, it felt like everything had shifted. She stood shakily, thrown a little off-balance, and gently trailed one finger across the back of the pew in front of her.

“I think… I think the way I love is a little different from everyone else,” she whispered under her breath, her words being swallowed by the boundless silence as her heart thundered in her ears.

There was no judgement, no condemnation from above, nothing to tell her that she’d sinned in some way. The world didn’t end, the river of time continuing to flow unbothered after her confession. She smiled to herself, sweeping from the aisle and out of the temple, a weight having been lifted from her chest.

~~~

Colette,

That was incredibly brave of you, to accept the Church back into your life after all the grief it’s caused you. You’re a better person than I could ever be, I could never do that. But I’m glad to hear you’ve made peace with it, and that you sound happier.

Also, you’re moving into your own place? That’s exciting! I’m certain you’ll make it a wonderful place to live. A place that’s all you - kind and inviting. I can’t wait to see it one day.

By the way, I bumped into Raine in Triet - she was staying there for the week to wait for Genis. In the meantime, she was exploring the ruins again to try and find a rumoured secret room, so I accompanied her to help her out. We didn’t find anything, but she didn’t seem discouraged. I wonder if she’ll still be eagerly looking for new discoveries even a century from now. I can’t imagine her ever changing.

I told her about how you plan to move over the next two weeks and she said she’d love to help, so expect her and Genis sometime soon! (Or maybe this letter will arrive after them? That’ll certainly be amusing.)

Love,

Lloyd

~~~

Colette placed yet another heavy box on the small, round table sitting in the middle of the room before stretching to loosen the muscles in her back. Raine and Genis had helped her efficiently pack everything she needed into manageable boxes, but Colette had insisted on carrying them over herself and doing the unpacking on her own. There were some perks to angelic strength, after all, and she didn’t want the siblings to exert themselves unnecessarily. Until the house was in a presentable state, they were both banned from the place. Raine had decided to spend her time once more exploring the underdepths of the temple, and had dragged a disgruntled Genis along.

The house she’d managed to secure was one of the few new ones that had been built now that more people were flowing into Iselia. It was likely never going to become a large, bustling town like Palmacosta, tucked away into a corner of the continent behind a desert as it was, but it was slowly growing. Dirk had been busy for the past few months, and he’d happily handed over the place to her and given her quite the enthusiastic tour.

It was certainly a smaller place than what would now be solely her father and grandmother’s house, but that suited her just fine. The furniture was sturdy but cosy, and the garden was expansive - perfect for all the plants she could already imagine planting there, just waiting to set down their roots in the soil and thrive. The house was already shaping up to be lovely. She just needed to get everything out of the boxes and into their rightful places. There was a lot of work ahead of her, but she was looking forward to it.

Opening up the first one, her fingers ghosted over crinkled paper, and she pulled out a stack of letters. They showed lines where they had been folded and unfolded countless times, lovingly handled, the words read many times over on late nights with a cup of coffee in hand and the moon for company.

A smile playing on her lips, she placed them on the shelf before reaching into the box to see what was next. A small stack of books emerged, and she stared at the familiar titles printed in cursive on the colourful covers. She knew most of their contents by heart, considering the number of times she’d devoured the tales with Lloyd or Genis curiously reading over her shoulder, flipping yellowed page after yellowed page. They had once been an escape - a glimpse into another life that was nothing more than an empty possibility.

Pursing her lips, she placed the stack of fairytales next to the letters, gently brushing off the thin layer of dust they had begun to gather from the years she had left them ignored. Perhaps some night soon, she might gain the courage to revisit them - to read those happy endings and envision her own, untethered from what anyone might expect of her.

~~~

Dear Lloyd,

The move went well. Like you said, Raine and Genis showed up. Actually, they showed up only a few hours after your letter, so I guess you beat them! Just barely. I gave ample thanks to the horses on your behalf - they really loved the carrots I’ve been growing.

I’m still getting used to the fact that I have my own place now. Some days, I wake up confused as to why I’m not in my old bedroom. And some evenings, I find that my feet carry me from the schoolhouse to my childhood home. But I’m slowly but surely getting used to it, and every day I fall more in love with this place. It’s just so cosy!

And the new garden is truly lovely. There’s so much space! I decided not to transplant most of the plants I was already growing, since Father loves tending to them too. But I brought over one sprig of forget-me-nots and got to work introducing some new life to the soil. I won’t spoil what I’ve planted! When you see them, you get to guess what they are. If you were paying attention to any of the times I gave you a tour of my old garden, then I’m sure you’ll pass with flying colours.

To end this letter, I have to share what happened yesterday. It was Saturday, and I had been invited to tea by a few of the other girls in town. (The biscuits were delicious.) When I returned home, I found the place packed to the brim with eighteen young children. They were almost spilling out the door! The rascals decided to throw me a surprise housewarming party, and they even made me a gift together. The entire thing was really cute, but I do have an orange juice stain on the wall that I don’t think is ever coming off. Well, I suppose it contributes to the spirit!

Love,

Colette

The bottom of the paper ended in jagged edges. Crumped into a ball and thrown into the wastebasket was the missing segment with only a single sentence written on it.

I think I just need a little bit more time.

~~~

Colette,

The impromptu party the children threw for you sounds really cute. They even made you a gift! You’ve wormed your way into their little hearts, haven’t you? They adore you!

Recently, I visited Meltokio, and Zelos gave me a tour of the brand-new section of the royal garden. There’s a massive fountain with a beautiful sculpture of a swan with its wings outstretched, overlooking a hedge maze that turned me around multiple times until I admitted defeat. It reminded me of the garden in that fairytale about the boy and the swan - your favourite, that we used to read together all the time. I think you’d really love this place, so I hope one day we can visit it together.

Love,

Lloyd

There’s a simple drawing of a swan with a young boy crouched next to it, stroking its feathers with care - a scene taken directly from the story, vividly brought to life. A single book was taken from the shelf that night, and she fell asleep with it in her lap, a cheerful fire crackling in the fireplace.

~~~

“Oh, this is adorable,” Sheena exclaimed, gently picking up the colourful assortment of pipe cleaners that were twisted to form the approximate shape of the head of a dog, before setting it back down by the nondescript black book on the mantelpiece. “The children made this for you?”

“They did.” Colette nodded, her forget-me-not earrings shaking with the motion. They were a gift from Presea, each delicate petal carved out of wood, presented to her when she and Regal had visited last week. “Can’t believe they spent two weeks of art lessons making this and managed to keep it hidden from me.”

“Impressive sneaking skills,” Sheena commented, pulling out a chair at the table and sitting down next to her.

It was a strange sight - Sheena standing in her house, wearing a simple dress that flowed around her knees, instead of her usual outfit, her hair falling freely down her back. She’d felt more like a ghost than a concrete presence for the past two years, busy as she was with Mizuho’s move and unable to share its new location until the entire village had been secured. It had been a shock to open the door after a series of unhurried knocks to find her beaming on the doorstep.

They’d spent a wonderful morning catching up over slices of the cake Colette had baked yesterday, before she had suggested changing into matching sundresses. Mostly as a joke, for she’d been certain Sheena would never agree. To her absolute shock, Sheena had readily done so and was now striding around the place, gazing curiously at everything - the books stacked on the shelves, the vines crawling up the outside of the window, the various potted plants scattered around, happily soaking up sunlight.

Mercifully, she did not peek at the letters, keeping a safe distance from them. The suspicious orange stain on the wall had warranted nothing more than a raised eyebrow. She did huff a laugh at the collection of cups sitting in the kitchen, each one painted with something small to indicate its intended user. A tiny puppy, Noishe’s head with his tongue lolling out of his mouth, a fuzzy paw pad, and so on.

Colette couldn’t tear her gaze away from Sheena, who seemed to be practically glowing with happiness in a way she wouldn't have let herself be years ago when guilt had weighed her down. Up close, she was even more beautiful, a small smile spreading across her face as she laid her hand atop Colette's - no longer a scared girl but a woman who had grown into herself. “It was good seeing you again.”

All of a sudden, her palms were clammy, and she swallowed, knowing what she wanted to say but unable to will the words out of her throat. It was one thing to speak her truth to an empty temple. She had acknowledged that part of herself, but it was a different thing altogether to say it to someone whom she cared about, fear once more squeezing around her neck as she choked on the words. It felt like they had sprouted thorns, catching on the fragile flesh of her throat.

“You know,” Sheena said into the heavy silence Colette had left behind as she quietly panicked, her expression understanding as she squeezed her hand. “I had a crush on you when I first met you.”

“I - wait, sorry, what?” she sputtered, completely caught off guard. Those were not a sequence of words she had ever expected to hear, jolting her heart free from her chest and sending it into free fall.

Sheena wouldn’t meet her gaze now, pale red dusting her cheeks, but she forged on, once more showcasing that blazing courage of hers as she stumbled over words in an absolutely adorable manner. “You were really kind to me even though I’d tried to kill you multiple times. And you are really, really pretty.”

“So are you,” she replied automatically, and Sheena let out a little squeak, raising her hands before dropping them to her lap, giving up on covering her now beet-red face.

“I think I’ll always love you. Not in any special kind of way. I just will,” Sheena said softly, her smile sincere. Her words formed the blanket to catch her free-falling heart, safely cushioning its descent.

Before she knew it, she’d thrown her arms around the other girl, almost sending them both pitching to the floor as she ignored Sheena’s protests. “Thank you,” she whispered breathlessly, holding her beloved friend close, heart swelling with affection that she tried her best to push into her words. “I… Back then, I wanted to be your friend, more than anything in the world, and I don’t think those feelings will ever change. So thank you so much, for doing just that.”

Sheena patted her reassuringly on the back. “It’ll be fine, see?”

Had everyone been able to see the thread tying her and Lloyd together, enduring rain and shine, remaining strong over miles of distance and refusing to fray? It did seem less daunting for her to tell him now that she’d overcome this first hurdle, even if she’d still faltered at the start. She'd managed to get past the finish line with Sheena's encouragement.

“Now, would you like to dance?” Sheena pulled her to her feet, her grin turning cheeky as she did an experimental spin and pulled Colette along.

“Me? I don’t know how! I’d just step on your feet!”

“Don’t worry about that, this isn’t those formal dances Zelos has to suffer through all the time.” Sheena waved off her concerns. “It’s just a bit of fun!”

They spent the rest of the hour twirling around the room “dancing”, miraculously not breaking anything as the room turned into a flurry of flaring skirts. Their shrieks of laughter echoed through the air as they took turns tripping over the furniture and each other, any worries lost in the wild circles they made together.

~~~

Dear Lloyd,

I’m glad you managed to drive back those monsters. It’s worrying to hear that so many strong ones have been seen near the Pass. I know you’re capable of defeating them on your own, but do promise me you’ll be careful and seek help if you need it.

It’s difficult to believe it’s been almost a full year since I’ve returned to Iselia. It’s funny to think that I once thought reuniting the two worlds would be the most change I’d ever see in my life. In a way, it was true, but so much else has changed for me and is continuing to change, even now.

Zelos swung by yesterday afternoon with a bottle of wine, the most recent Meltokian gossip, and information about a gala he’d been practically strong-armed into organising. But I won’t write about it in this letter - there are far too many details. I think I’ll tell you about it in person.

I’m sorry for making you wait so long, but I think I’m finally ready to see you again. I think now, I finally have the courage to say what I’ve wanted to tell you for so long.

I’ll be waiting, until the day we meet again.

Love,

Colette

Her handwriting here was steady and unhurried, a stark contrast to the first letter she wrote. She sucked in a deep breath before sending it, determined to see things through.

~~~

There was a knock on the door, and Colette froze, something in her heart telling her that this was the moment she’d been anticipating with bated breath since she’d sent that last letter. She hadn’t been expecting a reply back - he’d always believed actions spoke louder than words. And so, day after day, she had waited, her faith never wavering.

On the other side of the door was the boy she’d grown up with, a bag casually slung over his shoulder and a well-worn cloak billowing in the wind. A boy who, somewhere along the way, had become a man, knowing well what he wanted to protect and capable of doing so with his own hands.

It was hard to believe that he was standing right there, close enough to touch, after almost a year apart. His tan had deepened a few freckles scattered along the bridge of his nose, his hair long enough to flop into his face even without the rain to weigh it down. But the way he carried himself and the warm smile on his lips was familiar - an image that had been carved deep into her heart long ago, from sweet afternoons spent with her head pillowed on his stomach as he read out loud her favourite tales. Someone who’d been hurt terribly by the world many times over, but who had forgiven time and time again, continuing to bravely reach out his hand and refusing to close off his heart.

“It really is lovely,” he said as she stepped aside silently, allowing him entrance. His gaze wandered around the house, landing on the many pieces of the life she’d built up for herself as their fingers brushed and slotted into place against each other, a motion so ingrained in her that it came as naturally as breathing, even after their time apart.

His hand pressed something into her palm - the same forget-me-not she had given to him when he had first set out. There was not a single blemish on the pale blue petals, the slice of her heart she’d entrusted to him returned in perfect condition.

Tears were pricking at the corners of her eyes, her chest flooding with the emotion she had finally decided to put a name to. Carefully slipping the forget-me-not into a pocket, she raised his hand, her thumb tracing over the new scars and callouses he had collected, warmth travelling down her arm from where they were touching. He said nothing, only waited patiently, giving her all of his attention with soft, encouraging brown.

“I love you,” she whispered, the truth spilling out of her, easier than she thought it would be. The words she’d uttered lingered in the silence, gaining a life of their own and beating their wings with a hidden strength, refusing to fade. They had been true for a long time - perhaps forever, since the day a young boy had comforted a girl crying all alone, not caring a bit who she was. A love that lived in every single one of her breaths, waiting to be revealed like the kind unwrapping of a gift with trembling hands.

Yes, she didn’t love him in the way that most expected of her. He was not her entire world. No, her love for him was quiet. It was cups of coffee passed over a campfire, it was the gentle comfort offered after a nightmare, it was words and drawings and flowers delivered in pieces of parchment imbued with all that they felt. What they had was a bond that could not be broken, no matter how strange it appeared to others. A slice of her heart belonged permanently with him, who knew her best, just as a little piece of her heart belonged to everyone she cherished. Each time he set off, she would give him that piece of her heart again, trusting him to one day return.

She loved him, even if she had never fallen in love with him.

“I love you too.” It’s an easy thing for him to admit, who had likely known it all along. Still, it meant everything to her to hear it from him, as he gently wiped away the tears that had started to roll down her cheeks, tenderly pressing a kiss to her temple, the imprint of his warmth lingering. A reassurance that this strange emotion that defied expectations was shared, that he too had entrusted her a piece of his heart.

He’d told her once under a night sky full of stars that she was deserving of happiness, and while she’d taken a long, convoluted path to reach the point where she could accept that, she had, at long last, arrived. She had taken her first steps onto a new path towards a happiness of her own making, each cobblestone paved by her own hands, building a life that followed her own rules and answered to no one else.

She couldn't wait to see where it would take her.

[chartreuseian]

Fanfic Tag Game!

Tagged by the one and only @sarcasticsciencefictionwriter ❤️

1. How many fics do you have on AO3?

Only 22!!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

492,234. Which is a lot of words per fic, yes.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Sanctuary. Though I used to write for others

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Mr & Mrs - 110

Love Don't Die - 46

With Interest - 30 (but I feel this is misleading in that it's been up the longest)

Sturdy (29)

And it's a tie for fifth! Both What Should Have Happened After The Clean Up and When Will Failed the Perception Test have 18.

It is hilarious to me that only one of these is G rated. On is M rated, but otherwise it's explicit all the way 😲

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes! I try to! The only time I don't is if I've already been chatting to the person about the thing. But otherwise yes. Come be my friend via the comments!!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I had one called 'Release' that was all about Helen dying and choosing to go which was pretty angsty. 'She Had Him at Hello' is also gonna have a more angsty ending because canon is angsty when it comes to Helen and Nikola...

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hehe. Most of them? I generally prefer happy endings because life is dark and depressing enough all on its own... I mean I did a whole series where the central premise was giving Helen and Nikola the happy ending the writers weren't willing to offer...

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Honestly, not since joining the Sanctuary fandom. The only really awful, vitrolic hate I recieved was in a different fandom (nothing quite like a gang of middle aged women telling you that you're awful to start off your writing journey!!)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Lol. Yes. Most kinds. I'm new to the kinkier stuff, but provided it is consensual, I'm game.

Most of my stuff is romantic-y though. I like to write the tender stuff, with the occasional rough and tumble threaded throughout.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Haven't done one yet! Though I'm not adverse to it - my brain just doesn't work that way.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I... I don't think so. Is that a thing people do?! Yikes...

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don't think so.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Nope. Again though, not adverse to the idea!

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Helen/Nikola. Hands down. Their dynamic is *chefs kiss*

16. What are your writing strengths?

Description, probably. And build up maybe? I'm pretty good at stretching out the anticipation...

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Fight sequences. I know in theory they're no different to sex scenes, but a lot of the smut I write is about the feeling rather than the action.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

I used to do a fair bit of it, but I've found ways around it now so that I don't have to struggle with grammar I'm absolutely going to get wrong. The only exceptions for me are when I want to use a single word (like when Helen meets one of Nikola's sisters and she says 'sestra') where translation is clear, or when a character is trying to hide something from another. But even then I'll normally not use more than a word or two.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Private Practice.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Well, my current favourite is 'Stupid' because it really was my first go at writing some proper kinky stuff and I'm pretty pleased with how chapter 2 turned out, even if I'm still a bit nervous about posting it because it's more intense than anything I've written before.

Tagging @tinknevertalks @theleotorrio @writerxwren (and anyone else who wants to play along!!)

[cescalr]

hello dearest! <3 for the ask game:

how does receiving or not receiving feedback/support impact you?

Name three of your favorite fanfic writers.

How would you describe your style? (Character/emotion/action-driven, etc)

How long is your longest fic?

What order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

Hey mate <3

1; So, as someone who is currently studying creative writing at university, the lack of community.... I guess, response fanfic tends to get these days (beyond a very appreciated Loved this!!!!!11!1!1 which of course <3 thank you random commenter person. but also. what about it did you love.) isn't as - er, frustrating as it could otherwise be, since I get feedback on my writing from professional academics on assignments and such. Basicaly - I actually really miss FFN calling it 'reviews' instead of comments, because that encouraged people to actually... tell me things. And not just spam letters. And i love the letter spamming! keysmashes are nice :) But i always remember the comments that talk about the fic more than the ones that just flatter me. Like, yes, flattery will get you quite far opposed to popular aphorisms, but er I'd also like to know if my sentence structure flows nicely. That would be useful. I like getting feedback as much as support, the lack of the former can be a bit awkward though because it means I don't know what I need to change to improve my work. As someone who wants to storytell just like, in general, outside of fanfic, that's kind of important! Support is great. Love support. Would also love feedback if people were willing to give it <3.

Oh!!!!!!!! Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay. So. I don't know if saying you and viv would be cheating or not (or count as nepotism? hey besties <3 <3 <3 hehe) sooooo you guys are honourable mentions <3 but okay, so - in absolutely no particular order, and nowhere near all the people i could rec;

Ꝥ. esama | Archive of Our Own !!! hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 281 works of impeccable quality and substantial wordcount, you'd be remiss in saying Esama was anything but prolific, especially given those cover roughly 66 fandoms, give or take Ao3's consideration of things like Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts as separate media franchises......... hmmm. Anyway. Really really great author. Go check out their works!! trust me. They'll have at least 1 thing you'll enjoy. My personal favourites are all assassins creed fics, but they have hp and mcu fics, too bestie so yk. Specifically i recommend Wizards IN SPACE - I mean, it is quite literally called Wizards. IN SPACE. what is not to love about that premise? The writing is A* tier, to boot. <3 esama is basically the reason I write fanfic. Give 'em a look-see; they're also here on tumblr, as @/esamastation :). Good to give a follow - they're much more consistent at posting when they make new fic/chapters on their tumblr than I've ever been on mine, lol.

Ƿ. For someone else who is also here on tumblr (and may or may not count as nepotism. I don't actually know the definition of nepotism. Hi tumblr mutual of mine, lol!) Is freddieslater | Archive of Our Own. I will read almost anything they write for fandoms I know, and have read things for fandoms I don't know one even small thing about just because they wrote it. RJ's style is just superb, and their ability to write fic you can completely understand even if you don't know the fandom is really grand. Good glee & TVD fic is hard to find, lemme tell ya that right now, and theirs is superb! Remus is also here on tumblr, under the same username :). Hence. You know. Being mutuals and all.

Ł. This is a curveball. Something to throw you off your game. I'm going to recommend an FFN author who only recently migrated to Ao3 that writes solely SI fics. Yeah. That's what I'm doing. Some of the first fics I remember fully reading all the way through were this guy's work, so I think it's only fair to give him a shout. Soleneus | FanFiction. I haven't read all his fics for reasons that should make themselves... very clear upon looking at his account, but the fics I have read, namely the Fallout and Mass Effect series plus the Worm fic (a franchise i actually know nothing about; some kind of grimdark superhero thing I think - prior knowledge was not stated as necessary, and I read way too much fic for things I've never seen. Bestie why am I telling you this like you don't already know that?) are genuinely really well done series and some of the best examples of how to get an SI/OC fic to work without being all mary sue and shit. [or marty stu, in this case, I suppose?]. I'm going to be frank and say not every rec for an author I give recs all their works - I'd avoid his HP stuff because his view on the series is diametrically opposed to mine, for example. But that doesn't mean that what is there isn't worth at least a gander. I'm of a mind that you should give fic a chance even if the summary or whatever sounds strange; this might come from the fact I first started reading fic on things like FFN and Twisting The Hellmouth, which didn't have filterable tags and people would just straight up lie in the four-characters-allowed-here section so more people would find their fic, so.... I've ended up reading a lot of stuff I wouldn't recommend. But you find things that come from a different perspective than your own to a franchise you love, and that can be interesting! My views on the worlds of ME and Fallout are vastly different from his, but his fics for them are far better than anything I could ever write for them. His worldbuilding is seriously solid stuff, and honestly his characters are pretty good. SIs get a bad rep, I think, because of things like the shitty reincarnated as harry potter or whatever and just be an asshole for 40 chapters trope, but it can be done properly, and Sol achieves that. I really enjoyed the Fallout and Mass Effect series when I read them, 'bout... half a decade ago lmao, but still - those would be the ones I'd say to take a look-see at.

3. Hm. I actually think it would be in that order; Characters drive the story for me. Their emotions and thoughts and things all drive the action - but, then, that's just standard story structure (according to my Novel module lecturer, anyway). My style specifically is.... interrogative? I like Putting People In Situations and Making Them Do Bad Things For Fun And Profit [Angsty Entertainment]. I can go chapters without dialogue, though I love writing it, because writing gives you the unique ability to see right into the character's thoughts, unlike in things like film where that's more difficult (or awkward - just look at the narrated version of Blade Runner, lmao). You can, I guess, wallow. My writing style is brooding alksdjf;alskdfj;alskdfj; god. I can't escape the vampire allegations /joke. Er. Hm. I like fun things :) Like making my blorbos suffer :) But they'll be happy in the end so it's okay :). Also - I write romance, sure, but I tend to use romance as a way to look into the characters involved. It's sort of more a tool than the main draw, which is why my steo never gets anywhere close to dating alsdkjf;alksdfj;asdf oh well.

4. My longest fic is For What It's Worth. This should not be a surprise, given it's a rewrite of HP5 -> 7. It is currently 91 ,527k, with the wip next (and fucking final, jeez) chapter has about 3, 517k words atm, but that's nowhere near how many it's going to have. Harry's not even left Privet Drive yet! It's still early summer!! Also, If you count the side stories, 100, 576k is the wordcount for the series - so that boosts the collective count to 104,093. So. This fic is long enough on it's own, but it's over 100k when the in-continuity and arguably-part-of-the-fic side stories are included. Oof. (Nowhere near all that long a fic in comparison to many of the things I read, though. Read a 2 mil word star wars fic once. Very good fic! I don't remember what it's called.)

5. I write in the order I write; sometimes I write chronologically, start of fic to end of fic. Sometimes I write a scene and then find where It goes much later on - that happened in Keeping This; the fic got piecemealed together over a course of. A While. And one of the scenes sort of... towards the middle? I wrote way before it showed up. You can see this in my Journey Across the Dimensions WIP ficlet collection fic (that i really should separate out and make an actual series, instead of one of those fuckawful fic collection fics. I am the problem). But most fics I just write in order. FWIW's first two chapters - 32k words before the edit, down to 29k - were done in a single session on one Sunday. Like, 10am to 4pm or something like that. I don't remember that was in 2018!!! I can't remember that far back!!!! I have the brain of a forgetful goldfish!!! A sieve a cat got it's claws on!!!

Thanks for the ask bestie <3 <3 <3

[blorbosexterminator]

Thanks @natures-marvel for the tag!

End of the Year Fic Review 2022

1. What is your AO3 account?

Nharidy

2. How many words did you write total in 2022?

189, 604. Apparently. I'm not sure if this counts the entire fics that were finished in 2022 or only the chapters that were published in that time span. But that's what ao3 says, so I'll take it at its word.

3. How many fics did you publish in 2022? How many multichapters vs oneshots?

Other than two fics that started before 2022 but were finished in that year, 5 fics. Two of those are multichapters and remain unfinished. Two are finished multichapters. And one is a oneshot.

4. What was your longest fic? Your shortest fic?

From the ones started and finished in 2022, Did I ever Leave the Lights On is the longest and Cul de Sac is the shortest.

5. What was your most popular fic? Your least popular fic?

Not counting Children of the Dust and Who in the Sunshine which started publishing long before 2022 (and with which comparison of the rest would be unfair haha), according to average and ratios of hits, kudos and comments, etc, Did I ever Leave the Lights On would be the most popular. Noli me tangere or The Invention of Andrés de Fonollosa would be the least popular.

6. What fic didn’t perform as well as you thought it would?

I honestly never have any expectations for fics. I have wants, obviously haha, there are ones I'm more excited for than others, but I never have any idea which fics would be liked or perform well and which wouldn't.

7. What fic performed way better than you thought it would?

Again, I don't have expectations. And I don't think anything that was published in 2022 specifically surprised me.

8. What was your favorite fic you wrote from 2022?

Hm, if we're counting only the ones I started and finished in 2022, that would be a tie between lights and the invention of Andrés de Fonollosa. I enjoyed writing both very much and they are the fics I'd sometimes return to read passages from or so.

If we're counting started but unfinished ones, I would also choose The Swan's Symphony. It's obviously still very early for me to really know how I feel about the fic, but since It's the one I'm still writing and I'm very hyperfixated on now, it should have a spot.

9. What was your favourite fic that somebody else wrote in 2022?

Hm, difficult to choose. Very. I'll pull a Kal here (and take the chance to form a mini rec list of the fics I enjoyed in 2022)

Those Violent Delights by Aphelius. It's a multichapters fic with three chapters published so far. It has one of the most interesting premises I've encountered in this fandom. Andrés is a criminal psychologist who gets personally entangled with a loose serial killer, Palermo. Both Andrés and Martín are very in character (and very insane). Strong Hannibal vibes. Beautiful depiction of obsession and insanity and larger than life characters (which is the right way to approach berlermo) with also a very honest love story. One of my top favorites.

Solo per te by Alley. After the bank heist, Martín returns to Buenos Aires. And Andrés appears. Like always, even through Google translation (one day I'll fulfill my promise and learn this language. Then I'll reread those in the original!) it's a very sublime and elegant piece of work that gives berlermo their due nuance. A very enjoyable and emotional read.

A Lamb for Our Love by Brownest_goldfish. It's still incompleted, but remains a great read. Berlermo's (established) relationship takes a dark turn after Andrés returns from a horrid kidnapping. Granted, I know more about what will happen in the second chapter (hehe) but the fic takes a very interesting, dark psychological dive into berlermo and everything their relationship represents to each of them. Check the tags before reading it.

A Lover in the Story by Brownest_goldfish. Terminally ill Andrés grows fascinated with a serial killer on the loose. A slasher fic set in a creepy small town. Impecable slasher vibes for those who love the genre, and incredible character work.

Remember what your old pal said by Rocinan. ToyStory au. Nothing else needs to be said on the matter. One of the funniest and most in character fics of the year.

Birdcage by Rocinan. Another of my favourite dark fics. An obsessed "boom boom ciao" victim of Martín's isn't satisfied with Andrés' existence in Martín's life, and decides to punish both of them for it. I.e, berlermo go through hell and back at the hands of some pathetic blond. A great read. Check all the tags before reading.

Dark Fantasies by NaturesMarvel. This could be considered cheating because it was written as a gift to me. But I'm being completely objective here! Berlermo being the dark assholes they are, and having their sweet moments still.

But in this twilight (our choices seal our fate) by Alfredo_Kesmann. Twilight AU. Nothing more need to be said. The world needs a berlermo twilight au and Alfredo Kesmann delievered. A hilarious and incredible read.

Something Borrowed, Something- by Anonymous. Another VERY interesting dark read. Andrés is abuducted by Gandia (this fandom really has a thing with getting Andrés' abuducted, as if the true victims are the people who have to live with him in their house), basically brainwashed into taking anything Gandia throws at him as he believes his blue eyes captor is his best friend and soul mate, Martín. Very well written unreliable narrator pov. Definitely give it a read by read the tags first.

Like the Painting of a Sorrow by Brownest_goldfish. A very poetic character study of Andrés that gracefully and concisely explores his relationship with himself, Martín, Rafael, Tatiana, beauty, and chaos.

Reflection by Alley. Berlermo are more of a background relationship here, actually. But hey are still depicted beautifully and accurately. And otherwise, this is a Mulan AU where Sergio decides to go to war in place of Andrés as he's too sick. So a very fun read! Also, Tokyo is Mushu in this version, Sergio's guardian little dragon. Literally nothing is better than this.

[runcriedthecrawlingif]

Just finished reading the demo and I loved it! It’s such an original story and I got to admit I couldn’t stop reading, the writing has a really nice flow 🦋

Plus, I love how every character seems to hide something (👀), and Reva has already become my favourite hehe

Can’t wait for the next chapters!

Thank you <333 It's an odd concept that's just been festering in my brain for the longest time and I had to get it out. I definitely like the mystery solving aspect of ifs and I want the player to be able to ask the right questions to figure out what's going on behind the scenes >:)

and Reva my dearest is such a fun character to write, she can be so unhinged

[vwritesaus]

this is from ages ago, lol sorry, but ahhh thank you so much for the tag, healy!! this is so cool hehe (finally gotten around to it!!)

before i delve into my own fics, i gotta say once again how much of a huge fan i am of all your fics, and from the ones you've listed, "a therapeutic chain of events" and "dreamscapes on the wall" are my absolute favourites. they're such great fanfictions, and i've reread them so many times. you're an incredible writer, one of my all time favs, and i endeavour to read, comment on, and kudos every single fic of yours ♡♡

now... i'm only gonna list my completed fics. i've got too many WIPs/fics that have multiple chapters that i love soooo much, but are nowhere near finished lol

SO:

when i fall, don't let me drown (haikyuu!!, bokuto/akaashi, 44.1k). this is my longest published fic to date, and probably my magnum opus for this ship. highkey proud of myself for managing to write this one given it was for a big bang event and that i decided to go down a canon-divergent path. very self-indulgent, and my love letter to these two darlings

breathe (the last hours, thomas/alastair, 4.4k). funnily enough, i didn't really love the end result of this fic when i first posted it. it was more of a 'phew alright, it's done, it's okay, the idea is written out as best as it could be, whatever, i'm over it now' situation rather than 'omg, this is the best thing i've ever written'. now that a bit of time has passed, i reread it recently and now i see it as a fic to be super happy about. missing scene fics are always so great to write, and given it's post-thomas and alastair's first time? yeah, i'm proud of this one

a (too few) hundred hearts (the last hours, thomas/alastair, 20.5k). look... this was literally my first (finished) tsc fic i wrote since i got into the series back in 2009/2010, and the one that's catapulted me into writing so many. while timeless got me into writing tsc again and helped me deal with the brainrot after finishing chain of iron, a(tf)hh is another self-indulgent fic where i was like 'oh, what if alastair and kit herondale met??' that i simply had to write. i had so much fun with it, 10/10 writing experience haha

in gold, blue, and pale pink (haikyuu!!, kuroo/kenma, 5.2k). this was for a secret santa event, i think??? or some kind of exchange, idk. but it was one i had so much joy writing. it's a holiday season story + childhood friends to lovers trope. very gooey and cosy with do i? don't i? sprinkled throughout. an absolute favourite of mine

whispers in a fox's ear (haikyuu!!, sakusa/atsumu, 34.1k). definitely one of my more experimental fics, and one i'm so glad i stuck to my guns to write. it was a bit of a rollercoaster time when i wrote it (end of uni blues, existential crises, etc.) and i feel like some of that bled into the story. has some of my favourite lines/paragraphs that i now look back on and think 'wow, did i really write this?!' also my first sakuatsu fic

i'm leaving this as an open tag! so come along and join in if you like :>

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💖

This is amazing!

A Therapeutic Chain of Events (Thomas/Alastair, 16,763 words). Highkey one of my favourite things I have ever written. It's essentially my love letter to the ship, and I'm extremely proud of it.

The Name We Give Our Mistakes (Matthew character study, 35,442 words). Definitely my longest fic, and I had such a great time with it. Matthew is my everything and I am glad I got to do his story justice with this.

A Ribbon of Dream (Thomas/Alastair, 19,768 words). I had such a great time writing this one, and I especially loved writing Thomas and Alastair as they grew old together. It's one of my favourites by a long shot.

The Moon in Her Chariot of Pearl (Matthew & Will/Tessa, 7457 words). Had an enormously good time with this one, and the story of Will and Tessa's 30th anniversary is one I've wanted to tell for a while. Plus, I always have so much fun with Matthew Fairchild: An Expert in Romantics fics.

Dreamscapes on the Wall (Thomas/Alastair, 9073 words). Such a feel-good fic. I had a great time writing it, and reading it makes me feel all warm inside.

Tagging @themimsyborogove @luciehercndale @vwritesaus @thevagabondexpress and @faithfromanewperspective. <3

[yoonpobs]

bad boy good thing x.

pairing: jeon jungkook x oc

genre: angst, smut, fluff, miscommunication (we hate her lol), pining

warnings: smut, jungkook is really an asshole, the angst hurts a lot tbh, unhealthy relationships (?)

words: 8, 711

summary: a series of drabbles where you're confused and jungkook's confusing

a/n:

so here is the mini monster chap !! i know I said this was going to be a drabble series but I clearly got carried away LOL

anyways, no spoilers for this chap but I can say it's one of my favs that I've written and I think we see oc getting the comfort that she deserves (and needs!)

and also !! this is my first time updating a series on tumblr and it feels *exciting* hehe, I hope you enjoy this chapter c:

let me know your thoughts in my asks!! i'd love to hear what you think so far :3

all the love and I hope you're having a great

day/night/evening/afternoon wherever you are ❤️

“Open up!”

The only person that would opt to yell to get your attention than ring on your doorbell like a normal person would be Yena. And it helped that you immediately recognised her voice from the first syllable she uttered. That and you were currently moping in your living room with lactose-free ice cream, courtesy of Jimin that dropped it off a day ago when he heard that you were ‘sick’. Even if you hadn’t seen him face-to-face, you remember him softly hoping you’d get better.

You don’t know why she’s at your door, but you’re already on your feet to get her when you hear her begin to mutter curses directed at you behind the thin wood of your entrance.

“I can hear you!” You call.

“Well bitch then open the damn door!” She snaps.

You roll your eyes, and so far with the number of times you’ve hung out with her, it’s safe to say that the two of you were comfortable. You never knew how fun having a girl best friend was until you met Yena, and sure it’s only been a little under two weeks since you’ve gotten to know her through various messages and FaceTimes, but you feel like she’s your friend soulmate.

And when you expressed that to her over a FaceTime call a few nights back, you remember her gagging all while you flush and attempt to take it back. You know her candidly calling you bitch rather than your name was her saying she felt the same.

You pull the door open as she stands there with her eyes narrowed into slits, eyeing you up and down before she scrunches her nose.

“There’s a thing called a shower that you should look into. You look like a rundown version of long-haired Noah Beck.” She grimaces when she eyes you up and down.

You scowl. “You did not just compare me to him.”

She clicks her tongue before she shoves you aside by shoving a plastic bag of the takeout food into your arms and steps into your apartment.

Yena ignores the glare you shoot at the back of her neck when she looks around your living room, scrunching her nose like she was here to inspect your room than pay you a visit.

“Did someone die in here or was that just your will to live?”

You scoff. “Wow. Drag me.”

She waves you off before plopping onto your couch while you sigh, immediately heading to the kitchen to prep the food she brought over.

“For a moment I thought you were dead.” She confesses casually.

When you return with bowls and plates, with the cutlery to match—you give her a dry look before you’re taking your seat on the floor; attempting to hide your half-eaten tub of ice cream, which Yena immediately spots.

“So your first instinct was to yell at my door in hopes that I wasn’t actually dead?” You ask dryly.

She picks up your ice cream and grimaces at it, silently judging you for the flavour before she gives you a shrug.

“Yeah. I was hoping that your spirit would confer.”

You snort. “And the food?”

“A peace offering.” She tells you like it’s obvious.

You sigh, you loved Yena—you really did. She was all over the place and random, but it was a refreshing difference that you needed in your life from the usual law and order you often opted for.

“Not that I don’t appreciate your concern,” You tell her, pulling out a container to see your favourite lemon chicken as you eye her suspiciously. “But what brings you here? I told you I was sick.”

Yena scoffs. “And sick you are, bitch. What kind of sick person devours ice cream? Sure, you look the part but your diet says otherwise. Don’t think I didn’t see the empty packet of snickers in the trash.”

You scowl.

“I recovered yesterday.” You lie, taking a bite out of the chicken.

Yena rolls her eyes and you know she doesn’t believe you. She leans into your couch while she watches you eat, “Namjoon texted me that you may need some company.” At that, you choke.

Her eyes widen as you hit at your chest to get the food to go down, eyes still wide at her revelation.

“Why would he do that?” You cry.

“Girl, I know you’re not trying to deflect—you’re literally about to choke and die.”

You glare at her. “I’m fine.” You cough for good measure, then you’re levelling another serious gaze at her.

“I’m fine.” You reiterate with an emphasis on your state even though you were anything but. “I don’t know why the hell he thinks I need company.” You mutter under your breath.

At this, Yena’s face softens as she leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees while you avoid her gaze; idly poking at your food.

“I don’t know either, and you don’t need to tell me anything.” She says softly. “That’s all I’m here for. To be your company, whether you need it or not.”

You don’t know how much Namjoon told her over a text message, but you don’t think it’s much. Purely because he didn’t seem like a snitch and he was too respectful to ever let other people into the business that wasn’t his own. Even at the thought, you want to groan because you essentially lured him into thinking it was okay for him to kiss you while you were … you don’t even know what the fuck was happening anymore.

“I—” You say weakly, and all Yena does is offer you a comforting smile.

For some reason, the fact that she’s here right in front of you after you spent the day crying and feeling like your heart has been repeatedly stomped over with the addition of your rumination—it feels nice to have someone with you, even if it’s just their presence.

But the way she doesn’t look at you and expects something out of your conversation makes you feel even more overwhelmed, and that’s probably why the dam breaks.

Yena’s eyes widen as she immediately darts out to wrap her arms around you when you end up in violent sobs. You don’t know why you’re crying but you are, and you’re tired of hiding things, your feelings and your intent just to pretend like things were okay.

“It’s okay.” She strokes your hair and it feels warm, like a mother comforting a crying baby and you realise that this is what friends should feel like.

“N-no it’s n-not!” You cry into her shirt and it’s messy, but she doesn’t seem like she minds. Especially when she supports your pliable frame.

“You wanna talk about it?” She asks softly, giving you a kind smile.

You sniffle, staring forward as you feel your eyes swell with the escalation of your tears.

“I don’t know.” You whisper.

She hums, “It’s okay not to know. You don’t need to know everything.”

“I’m just so tired, Yena.” You tell her in a hushed breath.

“Life is difficult.” She admits. “It’s natural to be tired.”

You’re thankful to hear that she doesn’t comfort you with blind optimism. She’s real and she acknowledges how shitty things may be, and frankly, you didn’t need another wannabe altruist telling you that things will get better. You knew that, everyone did. But when you’re at rock bottom and all you see is darkness, you’re not looking for better. You’re looking for a reason to continue.

“Can I say something?” She asks. The way she looks at you is soft and open, and non-judgemental. You feel safe.

You nod your head, teary eyes staring up at her.

“You’re not responsible for anyone’s feelings except your own.” She looks at you so seriously that you nearly feel your breath escape. “There are things that you can and cannot control—and the latter usually falls under the people around you.”

You suck in a breath, and you wonder how she’s so spot on without ever touching on the true context.

“Namjoon texted me but I didn’t come here because he asked me to. It’s because you deserve to have someone be around you when you’re clearly not okay.”

“I’m—”

“You’re not.” She blinks, and you almost pout at her firm tone. “And that’s okay. I don’t need to know what happened to justify how you feel. You could’ve stubbed your toe and feel like absolute shit and I have absolutely no right to judge you on how or when you feel emotions.”

You wonder where she’s been your entire life and why she was only in your life now.

“But the thing is,” She sighs. “You don’t always have to choose between something or the other. Sometimes you need to choose yourself.”

You stare up at her in awe because Yena was cool in general, her laidback and unbending personality was mainly what drew you to her because you’d argue you were the opposite. Even if Jungkook’s words stung, you could take it at face value and accept that it was true.

You were uptight and you were a bit of a prude, and for the longest time, you always resented that aspect of you. But you realised with Yena, she had traits that were resented in a woman as well. And you realise that you’d never be perceived the way you want unless you perceive yourself in a positive light first.

So when she speaks to you so sternly, yet with a tone of care as she picks apart her words so carefully—you realise what you have to do.

“I think I like Jungkook.”

Yena pauses for a brief second, but you don’t see any judgement in her face. Just confusion, a warranted emotion you don’t blame her for having.

“I figured as much.”

Your eyes widened, “How—?”

It’s almost like a repeat of the first night at the football game when you befriended each other, but she only shoots you a gentle smile.

“Call it a woman’s intuition.”

You blink, fiddling with your fingers before you stare up at her, continuing your drawls.

“And we kissed.”

At this, Yena cocks an eyebrow up, “Was this recent?”

You fiddle with your thumbs before you sigh and push yourself up.

“Thing is …” You mumble, “I’m not like that.”

You don’t answer her question because you can’t think of a proper enough response to tell her that yeah—you did kiss him, amongst other things that you foolishly allowed yourself to indulge in. You knew Yena wasn’t judgemental but you also knew that you couldn’t retrieve your words the moment they left your mouth. It was your own judgement that stopped you from saying the things you really wanted and it sucked, royally. Because you could tell that Yena wasn’t out here to crucify you for being … liberated. She just wanted to be there for you.

Yena scrunches her eyebrows in confusion as she allows your words to settle, pondering a response.

She settles for a huff, “Care to elaborate?”

“I don’t … do things like that.” You say softly. “I’m shy and quiet. I’m not active in the social sphere and I only have three friends that I can reach out to if I wanna hang out. But even then, I don’t … I don’t like partying, or drinking, or loud spaces. I’m awkward and horrible at social interaction let alone being able to navigate my romantic feelings. And … I felt so bad about it.”

Yena’s eyes soften, but you can’t look at her just yet. Not when this is the first time you’ve ever laid yourself vulnerable, emotionally that is, to someone that wasn’t just the confines of your thoughts.

“I always wondered what it’d like to be confident, to be liked on campus and not just be known as the smart girl.” You whisper. “My entire personality was built around my achievements and I didn’t know what else to do. What if … what if I peak here and fail after?” Your eyes are wide in despair, and you feel your lips quiver when you speak.

“You’ll never know.” Yena reminds you gently. “You won’t know who likes you or what people say about you—but you’re going to be hearing your own thoughts 24/7 and that’s what kicks you down or drives you further.”

You sigh, nodding your head.

“It’s just … Jungkook and I were close. We grew up together even if he’s younger than me. But we just got along well and he … he saw me. He used to comfort me whenever I’d tell him how pressuring it got and—I feel so stupid because he probably says that to everyone and I fell for it.” You chuckle with no emotion, staring at the stray thread poking outside of your couch pillow.

“Have you spoken to him about your feelings?” She asks softly.

Immediately, you scoff and the sour emotion peaks through again.

“He’s made it clear what he wants to hear from me.” You mutter.

Yena purses her lips before resting her hands gently on your shoulder.

“You’re not answering my question, ______.” She chides gently.

You nibble on your bottom lip and shake your head. That earns a sigh from her as she wraps her arms around you once again, resting her chin on your shoulder as you allow yourself to feel the comfort of her warmth.

“He kissed me first and we did things together.” Your lips quiver when you recall the memories, “A-And he’s with Jennie. I just …” You flutter your eyes shut, “I don’t want to say that I’m the other girl but I feel a lot like a second option and it sucks.”

Yena doesn’t ask, and she doesn’t need to. She doesn’t need to justify why you felt the way you did, so she holds you tighter.

“Babe.” She gently turns you to look at her with both hands resting on your shoulders. “Did you talk to him? Properly? Do you really know if he’s with her?”

“I think them kissing proves enough to me.” You snap, and you don’t know why you’re being so hostile, especially to Yena.

She purses her lips, “You kissed him and you aren’t together.”

You wince and she shoots you an apologetic look. She sighs before reaching out to squeeze your hand, all while you stare at the ground to level out your emotions.

“I’m not saying that you can’t feel the way you do. But I’m offering objectivity here. Men are … they’re blunt creatures and that’s the biggest difference between men and women.” You furrow your eyebrows as she takes a deep breath before she continues. “And the idea that we’re equal? No, we’re not. I’m not talking about our systemic positions in society but on an emotional level. Men take things surface value and work with it, they don’t stop to think about the layers of feelings that go into interpersonal relationships with friends, family or lovers. Women? We go big or we go home. All we see is the big picture and sometimes the little details get lost in translation. This isn’t me justifying Jungkook playing home with you or Jennie at the same time, but offering you a perspective that may be hard for you to see because you aren’t him.”

It was true, and you hated yourself for being aware but not putting action based on your own thoughts. Yena only reaffirmed the idea that you overthought every single interaction and maybe that was why you were the one that was hurting.

That, or you and Jungkook had horrible communication problems that neither of you was ready to face just yet. But how could you? When the two of you were on two different wavelengths and you were trying to be just enough for him while he was jumping off pedestals to see you.

It didn’t feel nice, and it sucked because he was the same person that comforted you and broke you all at once.

“I’m scared.” You whisper.

She smiles at you gently, patting your head gently as you peer up at her with tears between your lashes.

“And that’s okay.” She reassures you with a soft voice, “The only thing scarier than being scared is not feeling at all.”

Before you go to where your heart tells you to—your mind is the only thing that keeps you rooted in some form of rationale. That’s probably why you’re outside of Namjoon’s dorm. You don’t think you’ve ever paid his place a visit despite him telling you his address on multiple occasions, usually opting to hang out in public yet serene places where you were able to get a breather.

Your feet feel heavy and your fist is raised, but it barely moves. Especially when you’re just eyeing his door like a deer caught in headlights. You’ve rehearsed the apology on your tongue a million times, even if you don’t really know what you’re apologising for. But you feel like you must, particularly because you’ve senselessly let him see all of the feelings that you were trying to suppress in hopes of retaining the same ones he had for you.

You take a deep breath and deliver the first knock, the vibrations making your arm feel weak.

But you’re tired of always surrendering to bigger and more frightening things that you could understand. So you purse your lips and play the waiting game.

It seems like a long twenty minutes that you wait, but in reality, it’s only two when the door swings open. You brace yourself to see Namjoon, apology already sitting on your tongue.

You should’ve dropped a text, you knew that. But you decided against it because you haven’t spoken to Namjoon since what happened a few days ago. Neither of you speaking about the kiss or the way your eyes glistened when you saw Jungkook and Jennie together.

“____?” He asks confusedly.

You give him a meek smile, “Hi. Can I come in?”

He blinks at you, and you notice he still has his glasses that he usually forgoes during the times you’ve hung out—and you feel a little guilty for catching him at a bad time.

“Yeah.” He clears his throat. “Sure.”

Namjoon steps aside and you’re welcomed into the space of his living room. The first thing you notice is the interior, and how … Namjoon it was. It’s both cluttered and neat, the palette of his furniture matching the overall vibe he emanated. His furniture is mostly wood, light sandalwood that makes it feel all the homier.

And you tell him such, “You have a very homey place.”

Namjoon turns his head to look at you right before he plops himself back onto his couch where you see the bits and pieces of paper scrambled across the floor and the couch. Even then, he was able to look so welcoming even though you reckon he has a right to be hostile—for a reason you came here to apologise for.

“Thank you.” He flushes, patting a spot in front of him for you to take your seat.

When you settle, the atmosphere turns strained when you mull over your words so that you wouldn’t stumble over them. You practised, you did—about a hundred times before you came here and you thought you were ready to apologise and put things behind you but it’s proven difficult when all he does is look at you in earnest.

“Not that I—uh—mind,” He mumbles, “But is there a reason why you’re here?”

You blink at him as you ignore the quiver in your heart.

“I’m sorry.” You blurt.

“_____ why are you—”

“You didn’t deserve what happened the other day.” You interject, voice soft but unwavering when you force yourself to look at him as his eyes widen.

“I wasn’t the one that saw something I shouldn’t have.” He reminds you with a frown.

You swallow, “I kissed you. And you …” It wasn’t helping that he was looking at you so gently as he awaits your continuation. “You didn’t need to save me back then, Namjoon.” You end in a whisper.

Namjoon reaches out to grab your shoulder, touch gentle as he searches for your eyes.

“I didn’t save you …” He tells you tenderly.

“It’s not just that!” You exasperate while you throw your hands up in the air. “I-it’s everything … from the way you treat me and the way you look at me. You didn’t need to do any of that and you even—” You trail off, fluttering your eyes shut. “—what did you say to Jungkook right before we left?”

Namjoon’s eyes enlarge as his grip becomes tense against your shoulder. You can almost see the way his mind kicks into gear as he thinks of a response.

“That—I—does it matter?” He huffs.

Your eyes soften, “Namjoon.” You force yourself to look at him even if now he was the one that tries to avoid your gaze. “What did you say?”

Namjoon tightens his lips before he sighs deeply, head dropping forward before he looks at you.

“I told him to be honest.” He says softly.

You furrow your eyebrows, “To be honest …?”

“I know you have feelings for him.”

Your face blanches when Namjoon basically exposes you. It’s one thing for you to be self-aware of your complicated feelings towards the other boy. But when someone else points it out, especially when it’s Namjoon—the boy who’s been nothing but kind and patient with you while you’re too busy being caught up in your emotions—it’s like a slap across your face.

“I-I don’t—”

“You don’t need to lie to save my face, ______.” He chuckles dryly, eyes darting away as he tries to neutralise his expression. You wince at the spite he establishes, but you know deep down that Namjoon isn’t angry at you. No, he was far too understanding to be. Disappointed? Frustrated? Sure, but never angry,

The silence answers for you when you look away this time, eyebrows scrunched as you attempt to navigate the conversation. You came here to apologise, and to be honest.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper.

“Don’t.” He takes a deep breath as you flinch. “Don’t … apologise.” He sighs.

“I didn’t mean to lead you on, Namjoon.” You murmur apologetically.

He shoots you a half-hearted chuckle, “You didn’t do anything. Really.”

“But I did, Namjoon. I kissed you back.” You frown.

“That doesn’t imply anything. I kissed you, and you reciprocated. We all kiss someone and not mean anything by it.”

You flinch, and you’re familiar with that more than anyone else. The reminder only stings because it makes you realise that you were not much different from Jungkook, the same person you’ve claimed to have messed with you and fucked you over.

“I’m—”

“Please don’t apologise anymore.” He says. “I already feel like shit.”

You smile sadly at him, “How do you manage to be so nice even when other’s do you wrong?”

Namjoon sighs, then he grabs both your hands in his. “You didn’t wrong me, _____. It’s not your fault you don’t feel the same way I do.”

“How did you …” You trail off.

“How did I know you had feelings for Jungkook?” He chuckles. “The same way he knew I had feelings for you.”

You purse your lips, eyes dropping to your lap. “It’s not that simple, Namjoon …” You say softly.

Namjoon smiles at you gently, “Is it?” He gently nudges your knee with his so that you’d look at him. “Life is simple. It’s not easy. But it’s simple.”

You scoff even if a small smile teases your lips, “You really are a philosophy major, aren’t you?”

The two of you grin in tandem before he purses his lips, possible mulling over something before he faces you.

“The two of you are close so … why beat around the bush?”

Your eyes flutter shut, shaking your head. “Like I said, it’s really not that simple.”

He rolls his eyes at you, but it’s not to mock or taunt you. Namjoon simply sees a naive, yet an intelligent girl who doesn’t see what’s right in front of her.

“Remember what I said? I’m a simple guy.” He reminds you, lips in a grin. “Try me.”

You snort, but you’re still nervous. You still remember that he has feelings for you, so you’re hesitant. And he immediately recognises the guilt-ridden expression that you mar.

Namjoon shoots you a stern glare, “Don’t overthink it.”

You sigh.

“Jungkook and I …” You start, fiddling with your thumbs. “We grew up together.”

Namjoon rolls his eyes and shoots you another one of his bland stares. “I know the history. I just want to know why?”

You furrow your brows, “Why?”

“Why the two of you insist on being so emotionally constipated.”

You gape at his audacity, and you’re glad the atmosphere isn’t as tense because Namjoon simply snickers at your reaction.

“I am not—!”

He waves you off, “Really?” He adds dryly.

You purse your lips and relent, even if you didn’t want to agree with him—you knew that he was … right. To a certain extent.

“We kissed.” You blurt.

Namjoon raises an eyebrow, “That’s not surprising.”

You shoot him a dry look before he raises his hands in defence.

“He was my first kiss.”

At this, Namjoon’s widen.

“When you were in high school?” He pries.

You flush, embarrassed that you had to tell him otherwise.

“Two months ago.” You mutter.

Namjoon splutters, and you can’t help but glare at him when he quite literally chokes on his spit. You know you caught him off guard, but him rubbing salt in the wound that’s relatively fresh makes you scowl.

“Oh.” He clears his throat. Then he repeats, “Oh.”

You scoff, “Yeah. Oh.”

“Then … what happened?” You know he’s treading carefully with you when he asks you his question softly.

You purse your lips, and you recall every single moment you’ve shared with him. From giggles to hushed kisses, to intimate touches and sweat-stained sheets that have you gasping for air. You remember it all, and they meant … they meant the world to you, but just a speck in his memory.

“Things escalated and we … did stuff together.” You wince.

Namjoon nods in understanding, he gestures his hands around, “Like—”

“I’m a virgin.”

Namjoon blinks.

“And for the longest time, I felt embarrassed about it.”

“Oh.”

“I struggled to find my footing between being sexually liberated and being a woman because for the longest time I thought those two were mutually exclusive. For me, at least.” You say softly.

Namjoon only stares at you.

“And I always wanted validation from someone else to tell me that what I was doing was the right thing to do. Or the supposed thing to do. Never what I really wanted to do.”

“Not that I’m uncomfortable but … why are you letting me in on this?” Namjoon asks with a raised brow.

“Because I want to do something for myself for once.” You whisper.

“Okay …?”

“Why do you like me? Even if I’m … boring and not as sexy as other women?”

You sound pathetic, and the first person you find yourself comparing yourself to is Jennie—a beautiful, confident woman who looked so assured in herself.

“You’re not—”

You groan.

“Namjoon.”

“Okay.” He sighs. “If you’re asking me if I care that you’re a virgin, then no. I really don’t. Because frankly, that concept to me is false and problematic. Whether or not you’ve had sex or not isn’t any of my business.”

You duck your head.

“And I like you because you’re interesting. You’re funny and you’re assured in your own way. You don’t need to be a certain standard of pretty or sexy or whatever for me to like you. I like you because of the time we’ve spent together and that I’ve gotten to know you. The real you and not the person I admired from afar but the girl who throws in jokes out of nowhere but fits so well with the situation. The girl who’s willing to spend three extra hours of her time to help with content that wasn’t prescribed to her. I like you because I’d like to think I’ve grown to understand who you are.”

Namjoon says all of those things while staring at you straight in the face and you feel compelled to cry. Because no one has ever been so honest with you and you hate that your heart can’t reciprocate what should be an easy feeling that comes naturally.

“Fuck.”

His eyes widen.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He coos, a hand petting your hair gently as you sniffle.

“It’s not, Namjoon. Everything sucks because everything is so complicated. Why can’t I just have feelings for you instead?”

It’s selfish, and Namjoon winces. But you’re so overwhelmed that you miss it, and Namjoon is too nice to point his own feelings out.

“You don’t pick and choose your battles, _____.” He murmurs softly.

“That’s not what my mom told me.” You whimper.

He chuckles, “Yeah. Most people like to believe that because it makes them think that they have a choice over the bad things that happen in their lives. But in reality? They don’t. No one decides what happens to them. You pick and choose how you react to things. How you deal with situations and what you make out of those situations is what you can choose to do. You don’t like me, and that’s fine. You don’t have to just because I’m nice to you, _____. Being nice is the absolute bare minimum and something that everyone should feel and do.”

Your face crumbles, “Why are you so wise?”

Namjoon smiles, “I’m not. It’s called offering a different perspective. Just because I see things one way doesn’t make me any better than you who sees things in another. That’s why we meet different types of people throughout our lives. The good, the bad, the in-between. There’s always something people offer to us in the midst of chaos.”

You sigh.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon.”

He pats your head, “I said don’t apologise.”

“No, but I want to. You’ve been nothing but kind to me and you picked up a shitty situation to be in when Jungkook and Jennie were at the library. Even right after I kissed you. That was … a horrible thing to do. I shouldn’t have done that just because—just because I was confused … you don’t deserve that.”

He doesn’t look angry, and that’s even worst because you want him to react, to call you a bitch and say that you were a horrible person.

“I don’t.” He shrugs while you wince. “But a lot of the times we don’t deserve a lot of things that we get. And that’s okay. You did what you thought was justified then, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. But you’re hurting too, and you’re confused—that’s what drove you to do the things that you did, and even here. That’s why you’re apologising to me, right? Because you’re not as confused anymore?”

You shake your head.

“I am, I’m still so confused.” You whisper.

“Then let me offer you another perspective.”

You look up to him with big eyes as he smiles at you gently.

“You have feelings for Jungkook.” You immediately flinch, even if he didn’t hit you. But Namjoon continues. “You’re trying to keep the picture as simple as you can even if it hurts you in the process. But

“You don’t understand, Namjoon … we … did things … that I’m not proud off …”

“You don’t have to—”

“He was my first kiss. My first … sexual experience. Even if it was just … third base,” You cringe, but Namjoon isn’t judging you at all. “A-and that’s all I was to him. An experience.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Do I, Namjoon?” You say softly. “He said things to me that were so hurtful. And a stupid part of me forgives him but it still hurts every time I think about it and when I see him with Jennie.”

You whisper the words Jungkook’s said to you, and for the first time, you see Namjoon’s jaw harden. The most emotion that wasn’t rationale you’ve seen in Namjoon ever since you first arrived.

“I know it hurts.” He murmurs, holding you close. “And I really don’t want it to seem like I’m justifying his words … but would you want to hear me out?”

You purse your lips and nod nevertheless.

“Jungkook isn’t a bad person.” You blink, you never thought he was. “I know you don’t think he is but you want to. Because of the things he’s said to you because why would a good person say those kinds of things, right? But the world isn’t black and white like that. There’s a grey area where 99% of the population falls into because we operate on emotion and sometimes we say things that we may feel but not necessarily believe in.”

“Jungkook … he’s still young. And I know we’re in college and stuff but he’s still three years younger than I am and two years younger than you. He’s spoken to me about how hard it was to adjust to a high school life where you, Jimin and Tae weren’t a part of. And I don’t know about you but if the only friends I’ve ever known suddenly left because they had to … I wouldn’t know what to do either. He was at a point in his life where his environment played a huge part in the values and internalised beliefs he had.”

You look away as you reflect on his words, nibbling on your bottom lip.

“He mixed around with different groups of people, and I hate this saying but it’s still a common belief to many—especially people his age, almost out of high school. But the ‘boys will be boys’ mentality is more than just misogyny and sexism, but a culture where it feeds off complacency and peer pressure. Jungkook suddenly had to shift from three, good friends who were progressive and influential in an objectively good way to people he was obliged to like because they were his peers.”

You gape at him, purely because you knew that Namjoon was smart and wise but his introspection leaves you breathless and enlightened.

“But that doesn’t change the core of Jungkook,” Namjoon says. “He’s still Jungkook. He doesn’t know how to ask for things that he wants without feeling like he’s betraying his masculinity. And again, I’m not justifying his actions because he’s a grown man too. But he’s lost, and the only thing he knows to uphold this sense of masculinity is by being sexually liberated. Even if he conflates his own emotions with his endeavours.”

“I … I don’t even know what to say Namjoon.” You murmur, eyes looking up through your lashes.

“You don’t need to say anything. I just want you to be honest to yourself, not anyone else. But yourself.” He tells you, carding a gentle hand over your head.

You fiddle with your thumbs.

“What do you want?”

Despite you confiding two different people, you find yourself at a convenience store at 12AM, scarfing down ramen from a cup noodle because your mind was a funny place when it was muddled with a hundred different thoughts. You knew sleep wasn’t an option for you either, and you were hungry. But somehow you didn’t have anything back in your apartment that screamed ‘I’m in a crisis’ enough for you to eat.

Which is why you’re here, while the cashier keeps his eyeball to himself when he sees yet another college student who’s probably having their third mental breakdown of the day.

It is, but not for the right reasons, you think dryly.

You think you’re alone until the chime of the bell momentarily distracts you and you turn your head to acknowledge the next lone customer who may be going through their own set of issues, or had a fucked up sleeping schedule.

But you’re not expecting to make eye contact with Jennie, out of everyone or any stranger you could’ve come across.

She spots you, shoots you a weird look that has you nearly choking on a string of noodles before she moves on to what she came here to do and stops at the snack section, skimming through her options before she settles on a pack of shrimp chips. Your heart churns because they were Jungkook’s favourite. You don’t want to wonder why she picked them.

You turn to your noodles, scarf them down some more because you want to eat your thoughts away even if you’re half-considering to call Jungkook, tell him you wanted to talk. But you knew that if you spoke to him now when you were still sorting out your thoughts, you’d end up in a situation you won’t be ready to deal with.

So when you poke at your food and sigh to yourself, you almost miss the way the stool beside you scrapes against the floor as you cringe.

You turn to shoot a petty glare at the person, and you see Jennie; casually tearing open her chips and popping one into her mouth

You blink at her, and you’re left even more speechless when she juts her hand out as if to offer you a shrimp cracker. Like it was a weird symbol of a truce. Even if you weren’t really … enemies.

“Want some?”

You stare at her, and before you can think twice your lips are moving.

“The crackers or your company?” You say dryly.

Her eyes widen, and so does yours. You didn’t expect to say your exact thoughts and you don’t think she expected a quiet, timid girl like you to have said that—out loud at least. Like Yena said, everyone has a mean bone in them. Some longer and larger than others, but they were still there.

“Wow.” She huffs, but she doesn’t seem offended. “Rude, much?”

You wince and feel compelled to apologise. “Sorry.”

She waves you off and you feel odd to be sitting next to her. You always expected her to be more malicious, a lot more of a bitch. And you frown to yourself because you suppose it’s your own preconceived notions of her due to the association she has with Jungkook that had you thinking of her that way.

“What’s someone like you doing here on a weekday?” She asks off-handedly.

The term ‘someone like you’ doesn’t sit well with you, and you scowl.

“I’m eating. What does it look like?” You retort, and Jennie only raises an eyebrow at your response. Much like an angry kitten.

“Damn, I was just asking.” She mutters under her breath, “I’m hungry. Needed a snack.” She shakes the crackers in front of you, “You sure you don’t want one?”

You can’t believe her as you gape at her easy-going state when she thrusts the bag of crackers into your face yet again.

“No.” You furrow your brows, gently pushing it away as she shrugs her shoulders.

“It’s good.” She reasons, and you don’t know why she’s so adamant about having you take one.

The irrational part of you thinks she wants to poison you, to eliminate you for good so she won’t have to deal with your pathetic pining over a person that wasn’t even yours.

“I know.” You mutter. “I tried it before.”

Jennie nods her head slowly, observing the content of the packet on the back before she turns to face you, “Jungkook introduced this to me. Didn’t see the appeal but it’s addictive.”

You freeze, and your ramen soup is getting cold with the way you haven’t prodded at it for a while and in the air-conditioning in the convenience store. You feel your stomach drop, especially now that your initial suspicions were confirmed.

“That’s nice.” You grit. It really isn’t.

“Did he introduce it to you?” She asks with a tilt of her head.

Why you’re still talking to her, or why she was bothering to talk to you when she’s ignored you all this while—you aren’t sure. But you still answer her despite the spite that forms in your chest.

“I introduced it to him.” You inform.

She hums, unbothered. It only irritates you more.

“Is there a reason?” You huff. “Why you’re here?”

She raises an eyebrow, “I’m hungry?”

You scoff. “No.” You slam the table ever so slightly because even if you were annoyed and confused, you weren’t that brave and you didn’t want to cause a scene at a convenience store at midnight. “Why are you here. Talking to me.”

Jennie blinks at you, then stares at you for seconds too long that you flush under her unwavering stare before she ends up in a fit of giggles. You almost think she’s here to mock you, to call you out on your pathetic and humiliating pining for someone who doesn’t care about you the same way you do to him. But she pats you on the shoulder, and you want to think it’s condescending but it doesn’t seem that way at all.

“You’re an acquaintance. You looked like you needed the company.”

You frown, “I don’t.”

She rolls her eyes, munching on another chip.

“You do. Your posture looks depressing.”

“Excuse me?” You scowl.

“It’s true.” She shrugs. “You don’t seem the type to be here wallowing unless it’s really bad. You seem like you have your shit together.”

And because your mind is already muddled and confused, and filled with irrational thoughts. Her words set you off, and you seem to be underrating or overreacting more than usual. So you snap, you shove your cup aside that the soup nearly sloshes out and send her a glare so blazing that Jennie’s caught off guard.

“And you think you know me well enough to gauge whether or not I’m ‘like this’ or the type to have a perfect mental breakdown regimen because I’m smart?” You seethe. Jennie’s eyes widen. “I have mental breakdowns like every other student and I binge eat when I’m stressed and I fuck up from time to time. I curse, yes! I see your face. Oh does she not curse? Well, look at me, bitch. I can curse like a motherfucking sailor at sea when the fishes come because I’m human. I’m just like you. So fuck off with your ‘you seem like you have your shit together’ because I don’t and I’m so fucking annoyed with your stupid face whenever I see it because it only reminds me of Jungkook!”

The silence is defining, even the cashier stops counting his bills for the night because you don’t hear the rubbing of money together. You feel his stare on your back, and more pressingly, you feel Jennie’s shocked expression linger on your face, and now that you’ve come down from your rage. Your face heats up in embarrassment.

You don’t even recall what you said, except for the fact you’ve mentioned her and Jungkook in the same sentence. And your face pales.

“I …” She chokes.

You flush, before you’re turning away, snatching your belongings to leave and forget this convenience store and never return because you don’t think you can show your face here ever again.

But before you’re able to make a run for it, a hand grabs your elbow that stops you from moving any further.

“This is already as embarrassing—” You exasperate, trying to snatch your arm away.

“For a girl so smart, you’re really dumb, aren’t you?” She deadpans.

You gape, finding enough strength to retrieve your arm as you stare at her with a dumbfounded expression.

“Excuse me—?”

“Firstly, let’s unpack what you just said because there are a lot of things that need to be dissected here.” She says blankly.

You scowl, “Look I don’t—”

“One.” She blinks as if she was doing a presentation for a course and not talking to an alleged acquaintance. “I don’t think you should act a certain way just because you’re smart. You’re entitled to your own mechanisms and I’m not judging you for them. I was simply pointing out my own observations, and I’m sorry for being insensitive.”

You’re stunned to silence, because did Jennie just … apologise to you?

“Two.” She says. You listen silently. “I think you have things you need to talk to Jungkook about, and frankly—I would’ve stayed away if I knew that the two of you were a thing.”

“We’re not a thing!” You cry, face flushed.

She shoots you an unimpressed look, “Really. So that oddly targeted blow-up was because of your mental breakdown and not because you don’t have feelings for Jungkook?”

She’s the third person to call you out the same day, or within the first one in the next. And it’s even more embarrassing because it’s the girl you’ve compared yourself to countless times because of your own insecurities.

“Yes.” You snap childishly.

Jennie sighs, gesturing for you to sit on the stool. You want to defy her out of spite, but you’ve already gotten this far into the conversation and you feel like you’d miss out on something if you left now.

“Why are you mad at me?” She asks.

“I-I’m not mad—” You weakly protest.

“You are. There’s anger in you and if it’s not directed to Jungkook then it’s directed to me. Is it because I’m a woman?”

Your eyes widen, “What—?”

“Let me reword that,” She sighs. “Is it because I’m the woman with Jungkook?”

You flinch at her declaration, especially since she indirectly confessed to being with him, while you weren’t.

“I don’t …” You trail off in a whisper.

“I don’t blame you for being angry.” She says. “But I need you to understand that I would never have done anything with him if I knew that the two of you were together.”

“We’re not.” You blink, and her unimpressed look is still there that makes you speak a little louder. “We’re not together.”

She opens her mouth to say something, then shuts it. You see her furrow her eyebrows before she settles for a response that comes a few moments after.

“Okay, then if you’re not together then why the resentment?” She puts it so simply and now that you’re listening to her, you feel a lot stupider.

“I just …” You croak, fiddling with your fingers, “I don’t …”

She sighs, “Listen. We’re both women here. I know how it feels to be left in the dark when it comes to things like this but there’s no point in being angry at me when in reality it’s Jungkook you need to talk to. If you aren’t together then I don’t understand why you’re angry with me—or with him.”

You sit there in silence, nearly pouting like a scolded child.

“You’re his type.” You say softly.

Jennie pauses before she raises an eyebrow.

“And you believe that?”

You furrow your eyebrows, “I mean, of course?” You mumble, “You’re pretty, confident and sexy. Any guy would like you.”

For a moment, you think you’ve said too much. Looked to vulnerable. But Jennie doesn’t do the typical mean girl thing where she laughs in your face and threatens to expose you. Instead, her eyes soften, and her hand reaches out to hold yours.

“____.” She calls your name gently, and you look away, embarrassed. “You’re pretty. You’re confident. You are sexy.”

You flush, “No. I’m not.”

She scoffs, “_____, there isn’t a set definition of what a pretty woman is like. Nor is there a one-dimensional understanding of a confident woman. There are confident women who strut in their walk and commands all the attention in the room. But there are also quiet, assured women who are intelligent and confident in their capabilities. Both of them are so different, but the one thing that they have in common?” She prompts as your eyebrows furrow. “They’re both women who are worthy of love.”

You blink up at her when her tone goes softer.

“I don’t think I’m Jungkook’s type.” She tells you.

But for some reason you need to deny it, again.

“I think you are.” You mumble, “You’re … you. And you’re probably … experienced.” You cringe at what you say, and you’re mortified if you need to explain yourself to her. But Jennie immediately picks up on it, and you don’t notice how she tenses for a split second but recovers immediately.

“We’ve done things together, yes.” You feel your heart shatter, “But you don’t have to do anything with him for him to like you.”

You sigh, “Maybe. But that's the only way he’s ever wanted me.” You say so softly that Jennie almost doesn’t catch it.

Jennie’s face softens much more, turning into a much gentler expression as she nudges your chin to look at her. And when you do, you feel wounded. You feel so much less assured than you were when you were raging at her. You hated it, how she treated you so kindly when she should’ve been cursing at you like you did to her.

“Do you want to know something?” She asks.

You nibble on your lips before you nod your head.

“If someone doesn’t want you. It’s not because you’re lacking. It’s because they’re lacking the sense to perceive you in a way that recognises your inherent worth to be loved.”

Your breath hitches and Jennie continues.

“I’ve had instances where men didn’t want to sleep with me because I was too confident, too sexually liberated for them. As if who I slept with mattered because it wasn’t them. It was never going to be them.”

“I didn’t sleep with Jungkook.” You tell her, voice soft as if you needed to clarify.

“And you don’t need to. You don’t need to sleep with anyone for them to want you. If Jungkook only wants you for your body then he doesn’t deserve you.” She points out.

You feel your heart clench, and the realisation coming from Jennie only hurts even more.

“But he’s important to me …” You whisper.

“What’s important is not always what’s good for you.” She informs you with a gentle smile. “Your sexuality is yours. And if you want to sleep or be sexual with someone, you do it because you want to. Not because someone coerced you into doing it.”

Your eyes widened, “N-No. Jungkook didn’t force me. I consented. To all of it.” You murmur, “I wanted to do it. B-But I just felt so … lacking? In comparison and … since then all he’s came to me for was just … that.”

Jennie nibbles on her bottom lip, “Jungkook’s not a bad person.” She says softly. And she’s the second person that tells you that. So you know it’s a true reflection of his character.

“I know.”

She smiles, “We both do.” She nods, “But he’s misguided. He’s never had the ability to be with someone he really cares for and I think when that happened—he dealt with it the only way he knows how to.”

You furrow your brows, “But he’s with you.”

She shakes her head with a small chuckle, “No. Not emotionally, at least.” She informs. “And he doesn’t care about me. I know. He’s always kept me at arms-length away, and I’m fine with that because I don’t like him like that either.”

You blink, and your ears turn red. “H-How do you—?”

“How do I separate lust from affection?” She laughs. “It’s because I can. Not everyone can do that, and Jungkook is one of them.”

“But you just said that he didn’t care about you.”

“I’m not talking about me,” She smiles sadly.

Your eyebrows scrunch in confusion until you realise what she was implying. And you don’t want to assume anything, never. Because hope was the one feeling that was worse than fear and you didn’t want to subject yourself to that just yet.

“Oh.” You mumble.

She nods, squeezing your hand.

“I think he misses you.”

You purse your lips.

You missed him, too.

[ddarker-dreams]

helloo

i’ve been trying to get more into reading (other than fanfics that it hehe) and i can’t seem to focus...and i see we both like horror so...

i was wondering...do you have any books you recommend or what are you’re favourite books? (or fanfics too if you’d like)

hello anon!!! admittedly, i neglected published works for the longest time in favor of reading fanfiction exclusively 😭😭 it’s only this past year where i started branching out into books/short stories again! if there are any other anons out there that have horror/thriller book recommendations, feel free to chime in, and i’ll update the list here accordingly! 

as for what i have read and recommend... 

The Castle of Otranto by Horace Wallace (regularly regarded as the first gothic horror novel, so i wanted to read it to pay homage to where my favorite genre came from! it’s old english-y, so it takes extra brainpower to get through, but i think it’s a classic look into the start of the genre). 

Break the Bodies, Haunt the Bones by Micah Dean Hicks (i think this falls more in line with southern gothic horror! this was recommended to me by a friend, and i absolutely adored it, i finished it in two days because i couldn’t put it down. it’s bizarre in how normal the characters treat the supernatural occurrences. also lots of good commentary on social issues imo, especially industrialization and the treatment of the working class. i don’t think i’ve ever read anything quite like it). 

The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson (quite possibly my favorite from this list, shirley jackson’s writing style is. idk how to even describe it. i’d never found myself so drawn into a world before. her descriptions are lengthy without feeling superfluous, like every word has its special place. i got attached to the characters very fast too. there’s a lot of ways to interpret this work and i’m grateful to the contributions shirley jackson made to horror novels in her life, especially how they explore different elements of womanhood through her protagonists. big recommend). 

Tomie by Junji Ito (this might fall more in line with manga, but since it’s horror, i still decided to include it. tomie is my favorite work by junji ito, followed closely by uzumaki and a few choice short stories. the changing setting from chapter to chapter really caught my attention, i felt like he was able to explore even more possibilities with that rather than sticking to a set cast of characters. the theories behind tomie are some of my favorite too). 

The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allen Poe (a short story, so hopefully that still counts. of course the writing is excellent, but something i found intriguing is the content’s of the story in regards to real life crime that took place centuries later. i love a lot of poe’s work, especially since he inspired many more gothic/horror writers after time, and that’s my favorite genre). 

in terms of fanfic, i’d recommend...

Business Before Pleasure by @redbeanboi (Giorno/Reader, rated E) (well this is probably the fanfic that i bring up the most in this blog and i hope jun hasn’t tired of me tagging them to sing praises of their work gtjkemr. i feel like if you’re a fan of reader-inserts, even if you haven’t watched JJBA, this fanfic is still worth the read. it’s insane the amount of detail and finetuning that was put into every sentence of this story, i’ve reread it multiple times, and i’m amazed for each one. jun’s been an inspiration to continue improving my writing for over a year now. i cannot recommend this fanfic enough, which is why i’ll continue to mention it without ceasing). 

Consequence by @archonanqi (Yan Zhongli/Reader, rated E) (i think i’ve lost track of the amount of times ive reread this fanfic . i could ramble for days, but how she writes zhongli is one of my favorite characterizations of him ever. she absolutely nails his dialogue and way of thinking. it’s a most blessed story that i can’t recommend enough!!! especially if you like yandere, then you’re going to absolutely love this). 

Paradoxical by @cryoculus (Kaeya/Reader/Diluc, rated E) (this is the fanfic that made me fall in love with kaeya . i don’t think i’ve ever found a character written so charmingly... the worldbuilding is wonderful too, you get the sense that the reader has a place in the universe specially carved out for her. every update expands further upon what’s been building up, and i can’t wait to see where everything is going). 

[formlesscopycat]

Thanks much to @boysloveandtaxation for tagging me, this is so fun to do and I’m very happy you’ve given me a chance to talk about my fics. I’m delighted that someone got actually interested to know my thoughts on these stuff! I love writing but I haven’t written anything for almost a year now bc of mental health and irl stuff. Answering these questions feels so refreshing, I really hope to bounce back to writing real soon! <3 So here goes:

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Heh, it’s AoKise <33333 i’ve never been ruined by a ship as much as Aoki had; after 3 years in the almost inactive KnB fandom, I’m still crying over these dorks everyday. 

How many works do you have on AO3?

Ahh just a few. Only 17. 

What’s your total AO3 word count?

121,800 hehe. Woah. I’m amazed that I did write that much in 3 years.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Love at First Lie - AoKise college AU with side pairing IwaOi. Multi-chapter.

But Losers Never Weep - AoKise faling in love during the Teiko timeline up to their final year in high school. My longest One-shot.

Distance of the Falling Sun - AoKise angst with a happy ending in Teikou setting. It’s a gift fic for a dear friend of mine and is just as special to me as the friend I gifted it to.

I hear you through these walls - AoKise neighbors!AU. This is the first AU I’ve ever written as I am always inclined to write my ships in canon setting. As they say, there’s a first time for everything and so this happened! 

Where You Belong (I Know it’s With Me) - AoKiseKaga AU with meet-cute, love triangles and family shenanigans. It’s still ongoing and I still hold the plot dearly in my heart. I haven’t given up yet, someday, I’ll finish writing this.

Do you reply to comments, why or why not?

I do, always. I love getting comments and I wanted the commenter to know how happy I’ve been to receive kind words so I always try to message them back albeit I’m very slow in doing that.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Ooh. I haven’t written anything with an angsty ending, I want my ships to sail into happiness every single time. There’s one in my wips tho where there’s major character death, based off the movie If Only. But it’s too sad, I haven’t found the strength yet to write it all down.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I think that would be “But Losers Never Weep” where Kise gets all the happy ending he deserves and more.

Do you write crossovers?

Love at First Lie is my only crossover fic, between KnB and Haikyuu. I haven’t been very keen on writing crossovers because it takes a lot of work and in depth characterization I think. But I’m hoping to do one again in the near future. Characters from different fandoms meeting together is so fun in my head.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

There was one time, in FF.net, when I was 15, for my very first published fic. The commenter said that it was a shit ending because the OTP I had been writing about wasn’t end game. And I wouldn’t blame them tbh. I was a kid writing on a whim, the fic was so full plot holes and hideous grammar so yeah.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I have 2 smut fics in my wips ok? I haven’t posted nsfw fic ever because I feel very incapable... I think I haven’t reached that level yet where I get all very sensory and descriptive. But I’m welcoming the idea and have tried writing a bit of smut. Gimme more time and I’ll finish what I started.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Guess there wasn’t any fic of mine that was stolen, my writing’s not in the rob list-tier anyway.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Someone had left a comment and asked if they could translate one of my fics and I was flattered, I said yes, but I didn’t know if they ever got around to it.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nah. And I’m not sure if I ever want to... I’m very clingy with my ideas, tbvh, I’d rather work on a project alone. I guess it’s also because I’m a tunnel-visioned introvert by nature.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Oh. I think that would be “Starry Nights” series. I planned it as a three shot story but as time went by, the  ideas grew distant. Last year, someone messaged me on Instagram asking if I would ever write the next parts. I told them I’m not dismissing the possibility but it’ll take a while because I’ve been in a long-term block until now.

What are your writing strengths?

Characterizations and dialogues, I think. I find it easy to write dialogues. Based on the comments I receive, people say I’m good with characterization so I guess those are my assets.

What are your writing weaknesses?

English vocabulary and writing descriptions. Ah, you'll never know how much I drool over fics of writers with god-tier descriptions! This is why I don’t write smut because it requires very sensory writing and I’m not in that  level yet.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’m okay with it, I think. It could make or break a fic but if the writer has the talent, I think they’ll do just fine. As for me though, I’d do it sparingly.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Final Fantasy VIII. It was my first love and will always be. I was smitten by Ashbear’s fics in FFN and that spurred me to write my own.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

My top 3 would be:

But Losers Never Weep because it puts my dear son Kise on a pedestal.

Distance of the Falling Sun because it’s written based off a count down and I honestly thought I won’t be able to finish it.

Where You Belong because this is my baby! So many characters, so many subplots than the stuff I usually write. It’s very challenging but everytime I finish a chapter, my heart soars.

I’m tagging any of my writer friends who want to do this. If you ever see this tho, please indulge me!

[baekybaeky]

Fanfic Writer Tag!

Tagged by: @floraljae niniiiiiiii😘😡

1. What fandoms have you written for (but not currently)?

None!

2. What fandoms are you currently writing for?

only nct hehehehe

3. How long have you been writing for?

I started this june soo not that long!

4. On which platforms do you post your stories?

only on tumblr!

5. What's your favourite genre to write?

fluff with a mixture of angst.

6. Are you a pantser or a planner?

a bit of both? whenever i have an idea i always write it on something (notes, notebook, drafts) then it all starts there. I expand and continue the idea!

7. One shot or multi chapter?

oneshot! but multi chapter is okay too but i prefer oneshot more!

8. What is a perfect length chapter in your opinion ?

ummm either 1.5k-2.5k or 2k-3k.

9. What is your longest published story?

this! oneshot which is 0.5k words but theres something im working on that may or may not be longer🤪

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

My first fic which is a jaehyun timestamp!

11. Favourite request you have written and why?

this! haechan fic!

12. Are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

there is a lot of platonic relationship, established relationship and mutual pining.

13. Current number of wips?

i have 4!

14. Three things you have noticed in your writing?

1. I tend to finish requests quickly thats why it ends up a bit rushed(?)

2. My humor is broken

3. and i tend to focus on the reader than the requested idol because i think that i need to show the character that the reader portrays more to make it unique than my other fics.

15. A quote you like from a published story.

"im inlove with the impossibility of us."

16. A quote from an unpublished story.

"I'm praying to God that one day you'll be mine."

17. A space to say something to say to your readers.

uh...yeahhhhh although im new to writing you guys actually like my writing even if its a bit crappy in my eyes hehehehehe also i rlly like the cute messages u guys give me because it boosts my motivation to write hehehehe and im also close to hitting 100 so yeahh lets make it happen.... Iloveyou<3

Tagging: @shotarology @moonbeamsung @taemin-jaemin anyone who wants to do it! (sorry for the bother hehe)

[ryttu3k]

Fanfiction end of the year meme! Questions from here!

For reference, the Skylines series are the only fics I've completed and posted. Also got several WIPs (unposted), and the first draft of an original novel.

1. Favourite fic you wrote this year

I think we were cold and we were clear? I'm pretty pleased with how all of Skylines turned out, but Cold/Clear is my favourite, I think.

2. Least favourite fic you wrote this year

In terms of finished ones, the purest element (but it's so volatile) is prooobably the weakest? Including the WIPs, I'm just having trouble feeling the Pragueshipping one.

3. Favourite line/scene you wrote this year

Chapter 3 of Cold/Clear. It was hard as hell to write, but I think it works well. ...Also, the transcript of the meeting in chapter 6. Hehe.

4. Total number of words you wrote this year

77,467 for Skylines, 55,953 for Solstice, 15,405 for the clanswap one, 1,914 for the Prague one, aaand a whopping 1,087 worked on in 2021 for With your eyes turned skyward (the bulk was last year). Sorry, Pyre. A grand total of... 151,826! Just cracked the 150k mark hell yeah!!

5. Most popular fic this year

wear it now like a mantle (always there to remind you) has a grand total of 33 kudos and 5 bookmarks lmao

6. Least popular fic this year

Ooh, hard to judge. Lowest amount of kudos, 15, went to if i go (will you follow), but it also has two bookmarks. Element has 17 kudos, but no bookmarks.

7. Longest completed fic you wrote this year

Cold/Clear, at 29,880. Unless you count first drafts. Which I don't, so...

8. Shortest completed fic you wrote this year

Element is only 7,073.

9. Longest WIP of the year

Draft 1 of Solstice came in at a healthy 56k.

10. Shortest WIP of the year

The next Skylines is mostly plotted out in my head but has a solid 0 words, so probably that! If not, I'm only 1,914 words into the Pragueshipping one. It may or may not be shelved, not sure.

11. Fandom you enjoyed writing for the most this year

Literally the only one I wrote for was Vampire: the Masquerade, so.

12. Favourite character to write about this year

*holds up Sascha by the scruff of the neck*

13. Favourite writing song/artist/album of this year

...Yeah it's gotta be Florence + the Machine. The series title (and every skyline was like a kiss upon the lips) is from How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful, wear it now like a mantle (always there to remind you) is from Third Eye, we were cold and we were clear is Spectrum, and the purest element (but it's so volatile) is Strangeness and Charm.

14. A fic you didn't expect to write

Literally a novel-length series about how my problematic favourite needs a hug??? ...Actually, also, Solstice was meant to be a short fluffy romance novella, not... *waves hand* that.

15. Something you learned this year

I actually kind of enjoy pantsing! It's going to need so much editing, but I've quite liked seeing where Luca has taken me.

16. Fic(s) you completed this year

The five fics for Skylines, ofc.

17. Fics you'll continue next year

Definitely clanswap, I've got good momentum on it. Once that's done, definitely the next Skylines one I have planned. Big maybes for Prague and With your eyes turned skyward.

18. Current number of WIPs

Including Solstice (which technically has a finished first draft but needs so much work), four.

19. Any new fics to start next year

The new Skylines one. It's plotted out a bunch in my head already.

20. Number of comments you haven't read

None. I read (and flail) over all of them <3

21. Most memorable comment/review

This is... very hard to choose. I've got into discussions that were absolutely fascinating, I've got some really beautiful comments from fics I wrote and posted years ago, I've got long rambly paragraphs, I just. Love a lot.

...I did very much enjoy the one on the first chapter of if i go that just said "Oh fuck", though :D

22. Events you participated in this year

Solstice started as part of July Camp NaNoWriMo! (I also did Vamptober, but that was art, not writing.)

23. Fics you wanted to write but didn't

Hm, nothing super comes to mind. I didn't get started on the next Skylines one, but that's more because Solstice ended up being a substantially bigger project than I was expecting. That's okay!

24. Favourite fic you read this year

Oh dangit this question is mean. I'm gonna name a bunch (almost all VtM, the vampire brainrot is real) because there's a lot of good stuff out there - Diviner Bureaucrat (Malkavian LaCroix) and We Don't Have To Like Each Other To Survive (Nines and LaCroix get captured, end up bonding) by @iravaid, Wherefore Means Why (Mercurio gets Embraced by Anatole, Beckett and LaCroix get dragged into the whole mess) by @meteormemoirs, and the Birds of a Feather series (the adventures of a Malkavian fledgling and Malkavian Courier) by @lots-of-little-pink-clouds. Oneshot - The Vykosian Fiend-Bitch by @robotslenderman delights me. And for non-VtM, A World Alone (Subnautica, sequel to Survivors) by @trans-hoverfish emotionally kicked my ass.

25. A fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read

See above!

26. Number of favourites/bookmarks you made this year

Aaaand above!

27. Favourite fanfic author of the year And above :D

28. Longest fic you read this year

Oh jeez let's see. Diviner Bureaucrat and Wherefore Means Why are neck and neck, right now.

29. Shortest fic you read this year

Lots of little bits and pieces of oneshots.

30. Favourite fandom to read fic from this year

You know it's VtM <3

[sukisdeliveryservice]

writer ask game // from @januarystars @starlightjoong @neolee231 tyty loves!!

tagging @kwonsyoungs hi aria hehe

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

harry potter! back in like 2015? those were uhhh not good D:

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

seventeen atm!! but maybe i wanna write a soobin fic :O (coffeehouse ppl don't look here)

3. how long have you been writing?

i wrote a lot during 2015-2017!! there's a HUGE gap inbetween and i started writing again in may 2021 D:

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?

just tumblr!! i used to post on wattpad though lol

5. what is your favorite genre to write?

i would say fluff but for some reason i write a lot of comfort nowadays...maybe i'm just sad a lot

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

what is a pantser lol uhhh i don't really plan because i'm bad at writing and creating ideas in general so i guess pantser???

7. one shot or multi-chapter?

oneshots!! i get uninsipired really easily ;-; but for reading i usually like reading longer fics :D

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

depends on what it is!! sometimes i feel like you can hit the right spot in only a few words but sometimes i think its necessary to stretch things out for proper development :3

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?

my spidey!chan fic is about 9k! it's complete and you can find it here - back to you

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

to be honest i didn't really like anything i've worked on because i'm really unsatisifed with my writing :( i'd say my debut fic - flights and feelings was my favourite because it kicked me back into writing and i felt less pressure to make it good :)

11. favorite request you have written and why(if any)?

bittersweet day !! mingyu makes me cry :3 thank you anon for rq that :)

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

terrible writing. but uhhh i repeat a lot of words/phrases out of habit :( and it's almost always going to have a happy ending because i'm a weak crybaby

13. Current number of wips(works in progress)?

probably like 3 or 4? i mentioned i get uninspired easily :( i'm also super inconsistent pls i'm so sorry

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing.

repeated words, awkward pacing/flow, long unecessary sentences, excess words in general, uncreative for the most part...

15. a quote you like from a published story.

he has a few more days until the end of his tour. maybe he can leave a little bit early, a lot of people are going to be upset though; but it doesn’t matter, he wants you.

“just a little longer okay love? i’ll be home soon.”

- say you love me

16. a quote from an unpublished story.

Jeonghan doesn’t age, you know that. You used to pray every night that one day you would wake up and find a wrinkle on his forehead, a crinkle at the corner of his eye, a strand of gray hair above his ear; anything that would tell you that his time to rest had finally come.

17. space for you to say something to your readers

thank you for giving me a chance guys 😭 i don't really have any works i'm proud of atm but thank you for sharing all your reactions in the tags and every little intereaction MEANS THE WORLD TO ME !! it's kind of baffling that someone took the time to read something i wrote and i read every single comment you guys make 💕💕💕 ily and i send hugs and all my love 💕🤧

[raplinesmoon]

Content Tag Game ✨

tagged by @augustbutwinter and @lcksndkys (thank you for the tag fellow Day6 enthusiasts)

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

i've been in many fandoms, but never written for any of them. i usually just write poetry lol

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for? only bts! i have considered maybe branching out into got7 fic 👀

3. how long have you been writing? The Library of Our Love was my first finished piece, and it was published in March!

4. on which platforms do you post your stories? just Tumblr! i have an AO3 (@triviafics) but there's nothing on there rn.

5. what is your favourite genre to write? i like angst lol... don't ask why i think i just like to make myself and readers sad.

6. are you a pantser or a planner? every single thing i've written has been 100% fly by the seat of my pants style.

7. one shot or multi-chapter? both! i tend to like to read long oneshots and then drabble series, so they both have their benefits for the type of story that needs to be told.

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion? when the story for that chapter has been told.

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?

series: burn after reading (7.6k and counting)

one shot: october (8.3k)

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most? i have a soft spot for everything that i've written, mainly because of how much i treasure the way readers react to it. you guys are the best! personally though, TLOL was really cathartic for me to write because it was based on my first real heartbreak and it helped me come to peace with the situation.

11. favourite request you’ve have written and why (if any?) i haven't written requests yet (i don't like feeling pressured to come up with things on the spot), but Sophie (@sunshinekims) gave me an idea for a lil something that i think I'll write once I'm done with boards.

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories? i like to write stories about love that aren't love stories, angst with happy endings (there's always a silver lining, even if it's not what you may think), pining... masive amounts of pining.

13. current number of wips? literally, 0 bc i don't consider something a wip unless i have it down on paper. but 1284843929568 ideas live in my head constantly.

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing? 1) i like to focus on the member's development as much as the OC's 2) writing long stories is hard... i greatly admire anyone who can write above 10k words. 3) i write very spontaneously and jump around from story to story a lot.

15. a quote you like from a published story. i'm gonna pick one from each of my stories thus far.

the library of our love: maybe this library will no longer be an archive of your longings, but an incunabulum of a fresh start.

burn after reading: [we were] fools to think that love could have blossomed, could have thrived in these shades of grey. Love needs light to grow, to develop, it needs happy memories. It doesn’t need secrets, lies, and death.

scintilla: the cacophony of voices grows louder, building to a climax with the additions of cans of beer being slammed onto counters, and a hockey game coming from somewhere in the background, composing a grating, lilting rhapsody that draws you in like the song of a siren.

love is the true art: a vibrant rainbow of hues thrums underneath his skin. straight lines. curved ones. a flower here. a bold font there.

october: how both of you were two ships in the night, navigating the same murky waters yet never crossing paths. And now you’d become his anchor, and he was your lighthouse, guiding you to safety and security every hour of the day.

khwabon ke parindey: the two lifelong friends reflecting silently on all the memories they’d shared through the years, the empty chair at the end of the table representing the space left in their hearts during this joyous occasion.

16. a quote from an unpublished story

ok hehe since i literally have nothing down on paper at this moment, let me direct you to a story i want to write based on this moodboard i made just so i can put this one line in it:

“Sometimes I feel like strangling you, I hate you so much. But I don’t have the strength anymore.”

17. space for you to say something to your readers i'm so constantly touched by anyone who gives me and my little corner of this site the time of day. thank you, i appreciate you.

tagging: @jinpanman​ @btsarmy9593​ @joonscore @dinamitae @sunshinekims @imyourhobiii @bangtanhome @monvante + whoever wants to!!

[jeongjaebae]

fanfic writers tag game

tagged by @skrtbabe 💖

tagging: i was about to tag my fave writers on tumblr dot com but you know what, i'll save myself the embarrassment so anyone who wants to do this!

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

bts....... on my old blog, and nct on this one

edit: wow i totally forgot but also wrote for bigbang and exo lmaoo

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

the boyz (*´∇｀*)

3. how long have you been writing?

like since i was old enough to pick up a pencil lolol but if u mean fanfiction then since 2011 (tbt AFF days omg)

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?

mostly tumblr, sometimes ao3 depending on the fic

5. what is your favourite genre to write?

fluff and humour i guess? usually involving some kind of getting together and heart fluttering moments hehe

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

a bit of both but it really depends on the story! would say that anything 10k+ deserves a scene by scene kind of plan, and anything shorter is more of a visualization of scenes in my head

7. one shot or multi-chapter?

definitely one shots omg the last time i attempted multi chapter it's been incomplete and sitting on my ao3 since 2018

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

uhhh 5-8k maybe?

9. what is your longest published story?

the juyeon lipstick au sitting at 10k, but it will be the sunwoo soulmates au at 16k soon

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

the lipstick au!!! had so much fun writing the banter between mc and kyeobmuda in there, oh also the christmas fic with jaehyun was super fun!

11. favourite request you've have written and why

awkward back kisses with humour LOL. this was a request on my old blog but i revamped it and now it's the prompt that turned the lipstick au into what it is today

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

uhHhh a dose of second hand embarrassment and clownery 🤡 otherwise it'd be a cliché kiss scene near the end of the fic oops

13. current number of wips?

other than the sunwoo soulmates au i have likeeee 1-2 ish? 🙃

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing?

the amount of improvement there's been within the past few months!! anyways uhhh what are dialogue tags, too many long rambling sentences, and too many repetitive parallels

15. a quote you like from a published story

"hot people have hot friends" from if the lipstick matches, and this from maybe we'll just keep fallin

16. a quote from an unpublished story

"just let me know if you really want me to move on. i'll do it, y/n. i've been ready for a while now."

17. space for you to say something to your readers

as always, if u made it this far, ty for reading! 💓 also that notes don't correlate to quality so if any of you are afraid of starting your own writing journey because of that, hmu and i will love the heck out of all your works (´∀｀)♡

[fairyoftbz]

fanfic writer's tag game!

thank you so much bella for tagging me in this!! ❤ @youshineshine

tagging @skrtbabe @sainthwngs @meicob (only if you want to bubs!! no pressure hehe <33)

01. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

I wrote for 5 Seconds of Summer and some football (soccer) players but I was like 14-16 lool

02. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

The Boyz!

03. how long have you been writing?

oof it’s been a while, I must say I started around 2014-2015 because I was bored during my vacations in Italy. So I asked my mother to buy me a spiral-bound notebook to write in it.

04. on which platforms do you post your stories?

Tumblr!

05. what is your favourite genre to write?

Pure fluff, something comforting and reassuring. A safe place.

06. are you a pantser or a planner?

Planner because I tend to forget my plots very easily. (bro the amount of time I forgot about a plot idea just because I was lazy to write it down before sleeping)

07. one-shot or multiple-chapter?

One-shot! It’s pretty rare that I write multiple parts but sometimes I do.

08. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

imo 2.5k to 3k MAX. everything depends on the plot and the way the story is written.

09. what is your longest published story?

I have multiple stories actually omg. 2 for Juyeon (‘a rewritten faith’ and ‘a day at the beach’) 1 for Jacob (‘rêveur’) and 1 for Sunwoo (‘aquaphobia’)

10. what story did you enjoy working on the most?

‘A day at the beach’ because I miss the beach+ocean and I felt like I was with them and ‘antelophobia’ because it’s self-indulgent…

11. favourite request you’ve written and why?

‘serre-moi fort’ with changmin. Omg the domesticity and the softness of it has me dying honestly.

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

The reader is pretty insecure and shy dkjhfkgf but it’s just because I mostly write self-indulgent stories to make ME feel better lmao. Otherwise, I’d say friends/strangers-to-lovers and a fluffy ending.

13. current number of wips?

6 :D they’ve been written for ages but im just too scared to post them lololol

14. three things you’ve noticed about your writing?

If I don’t use ‘you’, I die.

I think my brain must think im Shakespeare but in reality I suck at writing.

I use the same vocab over and over bc it’s very limited

15. a quote you like from a published story?

From ‘antelophobia’ part I

Jacob’s eyes dawdled on your lingerie and curves before he gently pushed you down on the bed. You looked like a goddess to him and only the sight of you in undergarments drove him insane. Your face and personality really contrasted with the power of your body, the wonderful lust palace he’s been dying to reach. He attacked your shoulders and collarbones with kisses and hickeys like a starving man, his eagerness surprising you.

From ‘antelophobia’ part II

He left a trail of hickeys from your neck town on your chest with a huge smile on his face, creating an illusion that your scar was a branch, and the marks were blooming flowers appearing on your skin, petals flying up to your jaw.

16. a quote from an unpublished story?

“This only depends on if your Mommy wants to see me again,” Juyeon crouched down to her level and made sure to get her hair out of the way before zipping her light jacket up to the chin.

No bc I really imagine him being super gentle with children sdjhgfgkf

17. space for you to say something to your readers

Hello lovelies!! Thank you so so much for all the notes you give to me each time I post on here, I’m really happy to share my fics with y’all :DD I always try my best to write good content even if it’s hard sometimes… I hope you’ll still tag along until I run out of inspiration because I really enjoy being on this app. Thank you sm!! <33

[satoruvt]

fanfic writer tag game <3

helloooo <3 thank u for tagging me @hannie-dul-set this is so cute lol

ummmm! i think i will tag. @leejuyeeon and @seokmingiggles !! and as always anyone else who wants to <33

peum ~

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

omg lets see if i can do this in order. i think the first fandom i ever wrote fanfic for was creepypasta LMAOO and then... fairy tail? then 5 seconds of summer, then maybe it 2017?? voltron legendary defender, detroit become human, monster prom and mystic messenger kind of overlapped, the arcana !!! then my hero academia, haikyuu, a Little bit of demon slayer... i think thats it lol

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

seventeen is all for rn, but i’m thinking of also writing for mha again and adding jjk!!

3. how long have you been writing?

oh wow for like... probably around 6 years? maybe 6 and a half

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?

rn just tumblr, i used to post more actively on ao3 but i havent since i started writing for kpop

5. what is your favourite genre to write?

ahhh like !!! comfort fics!!! i think theres something really sweet in those unspoken feelings during moments you think you’ll never forget... the idea of being with someone and you’re just so sure they’re your favorite person, and then warmth that comes with that realization... wahh

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

oh it depends i think. for longer fics i like to plan them out, but i really wing it with like timestamps or shorter ones

7. one shot or multi-chapter?

ONE SHOTS. my god i fucking suck at multi-chapter shit LMAOO ive only done 1 series like that and it was so rough for me lol

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

hm how do i explain this... anything that makes sense? however long it takes for it to feel like the chapter/fic is summed up or completed. i used to worry about word counts a lot but now i rarely pay attention to them, both in reading and writing

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?

if we’re talking about multi-chaptered, then the color of you wins at 17k !! in terms of one shots, it’s for now; forever at 9k!

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

oh boy. i think... anything from the last like. 8 months? my svt stuff for sure!! i went a while without writing in between like january-late november 2020, and i was worried that my writing would suffer a lot... it took a sec for me to get back into the groove of things but i’m feeling happier than ever with the stuff i write now. i feel like ive matured about the way i approach my own writing and ideas, and how i do everything, and my fics make me really proud. ive started writing within different aus that i hadnt touched before, or talking about different feelings or ideas, etc... i really feel like ive grown with this most recent burst lol, and i love working on them! i get so hyped up when im in the middle of writing or even planning, im just so excited to share all of it hehe

11. favorite request you've have written and why (if any?)

ah its been so long since ive worked with requests that i cant remember anything LOL

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

yes. it is comfort and content. it is the feeling of love. it is holding hands on a walk in the middle of spring and smelling flowers. it is the sound of leaves when a gust of wind blows past. it is looking into ur lovers eyes and feeling nothing but pure fondness

13. current number of wips?

fuck like somewhere around 20 probably

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing?

i really like repetition (specifically in sentences if that makes sense??), LOTS of unspoken things (even if i picture a fic with an established relationship, i dont say it within the fic; and especially concerning romantic feelings, i love when things go unsaid and are FELT full force), i think a lot of detailed rambling... i really like to try and describe emotions and stuff in the most abstract and obscure ways lol i feel like it makes things a little more palpable and honest

15. a quote you like from a published story

im gonna do a few. Lol. firstly this long one from pretend people can unlearn:

“Are you…” Jeonghan starts, and when you look at him, his eyes are still on the city in front of you. “Are you ever afraid that we’ll fall out of love?”

It never occurred to you that this was love. It’s not like the love you’ve experienced in the past, not even close. But maybe… maybe that’s why you never leave, why you hold yourself back from certain arguments like it might fix everything. Maybe love is the reason why Jeonghan still seems to believe in you. Why he promises he’ll be the best thing for you despite always breaking that promise.

(Is it love, a voice in your head questions, or is it longing?)

It takes you a while to respond. “I don’t know,” you end up saying, because you really don’t. Jeonghan turns his head and looks at you, and you half expect him to start an argument in the middle of night, out on the street like this. It wouldn’t be the first time. “Would that… be okay?”

“I don’t know,” Jeonghan answers, just like you. His voice is soft. You want to reach for his hand just to hold it. “You’re still…”

He pauses, like he’s trying to find the right word. You let him take his time, for once, instead of accusing him of the worst. “I’m still?”

“Everything,” he tells you. He looks so sad and you reach out for him because it’s the only thing you can offer. You think the worst thing about your relationship with Jeonghan is that you will always believe him when he gets like this, just like you’ll believe him when he takes it back in the heat of a fight.

next is from like there isn’t something missing <3

But you’re crying into his chest because it’s not you, and it’s not him. Seungcheol wonders if it was always meant to be like this, if the two of you were always meant to part or if something… if something just went wrong, somewhere. A bump that did a bit more damage than either of you thought.

He tries not to think about it now. Tears fill his own eyes as he presses a kiss to your hair because he loved you. He truly did.

“I was so lucky to love you,” he murmurs, voice a cracked whisper. “I’m so happy I got the chance.”

When Seungcheol wakes up the next morning in an empty bed, he’s not surprised. But the Post-It note that’s dressed in your handwriting…

Well. It’s over.

and this last one from only for you, i will dance !!

“This will always be our own time,” he says. “We’ll meet here.”

You know. He says it every time. It never fails to make your heart soar.

“Our thirteenth month,” you say, just like every time. Chan smiles.

He kisses you so strong you feel yourself falling.

16. a quote from an unpublished story

ahh ok ill do a few here too!!! one is something ive begun writing, the other is one that i’ve just been working on planning out <3

Smoke blows past somebody else’s lips and partially obstructs Wonwoo’s view of you.

He hasn’t been to a party like this in a long time. It’s elegant, more of a gala than anything. He can’t remember who threw it or for what reason. It doesn’t really matter, he supposes, watching you make conversation with the partygoers. They all have old money to throw around, the symbolism stitched into their suit jackets and red-rimmed heels; remnants of it left on tables and in the contents of expensive cigars.

You play them like you are one of them, tell them the right things with a silver tongue. Wonwoo always watches, plays the part of an observer. It’s impressive, the way you float around the room like it’s nothing.

Wonwoo observes; Wonwoo knows things.

and the second one...

"you don't know me," you respond. your voice carries no bite, just a fact, and joshua knows this

"i want to," he says after a second. "if you'll let me."

and he's asking permission to be your friend, to be close to you, something so tender and strangely polite

it makes you feel almost sad

"don't expect too much," you say, a little teasing. joshua only smiles

17. space for you to say something to your readers

wahhh thank you all so much!!! when i first got into writing for kpop it was a lot different mostly because i think... i was writing stuff for different anime before, and i had built up a big following because of that and my works always did like, really exceptional in terms of notes and feedback and such, and getting into kpop... has been rough on that end 💀 but i appreciate your support thus far, even if it’s small... i’m still working towards a standard that i have for myself!!! so please be patient with me, thank you for the support !!

also please find it in yourself to leave lil comments or any sort of feedback... please..... PLEASE... any creator ever understands this struggle please always try to do this!!! for me and for any other creator you follow and enjoy content from <333